My Mother, My Secretary!

Written by Dr. Celeste Fabrie A Summary of the Characteristics and Effects of the Mother Secretary and the Child Boss Relationship

So much information is written about secretaries and their bosses but has anyone thought about what makes a certain boss enjoy a motherly secretary and why he cannot survive without his mother at his side or vise-versa? Well, over the years I have moved through numerous board rooms and executive offices and have met several bosses and their secretaries. But one thing that struck me was the motherly relationships certain bosses enjoy with their secretaries. It dawned on me that there co-existed a type of mutual dependency from both sides: The female secretary needed someone to mother and the male boss needed the reassurance of this mother in his work life. In fact, these types of relationships that I witnessed often resulted in a very healthy or unhealthy working symbiosis. In other words: The one could not do without the other.

I started researching this phenomenon with my own clients and their secretaries and came up with some astonishing results. Namely: Characteristics of the Secretary: Aged between 45-58 Fairly attractive Few pounds overweight Looked similar to the bosses own biological mother Neatly dressed Well spoken Unmarried, divorced or widowed Children have left the nest Childless but has animals at home Intelligent and well educated Loves her home Enjoys cooking and baking (often for her boss) Good hostess Spends much time reading, gardening or with interesting hobbies Has a small circle of close friends Occasionally travels Member of the local club Needs confirmation of her self-worth Feeds on the attention of her boss Good conversationalist and listener Often acts as a psychologist or consultant for her boss

Characteristics of the Boss: Only child or a middle child Is divorced, widowed or married Few pounds overweight (sometimes due to the Secretaries good cooking) Breast feeding mentality Little sporting activity or too much Has children or no children Separation anxiety from the real mother Fantasizes about a mother he never had Needs to compensate for the beloved mother he has lost

Insecure decision maker Needs continuous reassurance of his self-worth/esteem Requires confirmation of his work: e.g. Is he doing everything right! Receives little support or acknowledgement from his own wife Often criticized at home by wife (if he has one) or kids Can only thrive in his private and business life with this type of motherly secretary Seeks continuous lifestyle balance Total dependency on his secretary to arrange his life: from birthdays to every appointment Has little control over his own calendar. Reaction is often: Ask my secretary His secretary even controls who he should date, or marry (if he is single)

Unfortunately both the Secretary and the Boss influence a negative feedback loop. The one cannot survive without the other. For example, many of these types of bosses who have been given a transfer to another city or even country have taken their old secretaries with them. On one occasion a certain Mr. X lost his secretary due to a long illness. She had been on his side for over 25 years. He rapidly lost all interest in his work and private life. We did all that we could to help him find a replacement. Eventually, he decided on his own to leave the company and take early retirement. Finally, I am not saying that all these types of bosses end up that way but many do have it tough trying to let go of the umbilical cord. They try to compensate for this loss by frantically searching for a similar replacement in order to bring back that feeling of love and closeness which they need to exist. But, unfortunately, many have never learnt to get weaned off the breast. After all, nothing is nicer than the closeness of a mothers love and warmth. This type of relationship only becomes pathologically critical when the Secretary makes her Boss totally dependent on her in every aspect of his daily life. Often the withdrawal syndromes manifest themselves over time with headaches, loss of appetite, depression or even tablet dependency. She knows his strengths and weaknesses and cunningly manipulates the situation to achieve her goals, namely complete control over her Child. One could call it the Munchhausen Syndrome, a fabricated or induced dependency or illness. The question is: How do you perceive your professional working relationship with your secretary or with your boss? Are you the Mother or are you the Child ;-)