3 Why do you see the splinter in your brother's eye but not notice the log in your own

eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, `Let me take the splinter out of your eye,' when you have the log in your own eye?
<< Matthew 7:2Matthew 7:3-5Matthew 7:6 >>
This is what I remember father Stevan did a homily. Judging Others.1* a Stop judging,* that you may not be judged.b2For as you judge, so will you be judged, and the measure with which you measure will be measured out to you.c3Why do you notice the splinter in your brothers eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own eye?4How can you say to your brother, Let me remove that splinter from your eye, while the wooden beam is in your eye?5You hypocrite,* remove the wooden beam from your eye first; then you will see clearly to remove the splinter from your brothers eye

We've spent so much time judging what other people created that we've created very, very little of our own. Chuck Palahniuk, Choke
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As long as we continue to live as if we are what we do, what we have, and what other people think about us, we will remain filled with judgments, opinions, evaluations, and condemnations. We will remain addicted to putting people and things in their "right" place. If someone isn't what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own. Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist How would your life be different ifYou stopped making negative judgmental assumptions about people you encounter? Let today be the dayYou look for the good in everyone you meet and respect their journey. Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free If a man cannot understand the beauty of life, it is probably because life never understood the beauty in him. Criss Jami Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest. ~Sri Chinmoy Oh yeah, this has been a big one for me. Huge. Ive had a long, tedious journey toward recognizing that many of my thoughts were based in judgments of others. I didnt realize it for years. I used to think I had strong opinions, was decisive, and able to evaluate others. I got people. I understood where they were coming from, their motivations, and why they said what they said and did what they did. I was a highly skilled definer, and an even better dismisser. Once Id figured you out, my opinions were set in stone. I didnt leave much room for changing those opinions either. Once Id decided, that was it. You were what you were, according to me.

With the benefit of time and hindsight, Ive come to realize that since I was actively embracing a life of personal growth (or working on my stuff, as I like to call it), I somehow felt that gave me free rein to comment on what others were doing. Ive also realized this is a common behavior in those of us on the personal growth path. When we are seeking change for ourselves, we sometimes feel we can comment on (or seek change for) the lives of othersabout how they should behave, about what is acceptable for them, and so on. I had some inexplicable sense of entitlement that validated my judgmental parts in behaving this way. This criticizing behavior was, for the most part, restricted to my thoughts. Outwardly, I was generally a pretty nice galhelpful, polite, and funny; and I had plenty of friends who liked spending time with me. Internally though, my thoughts could be pretty acidic. The judgmental parts of me were constantly criticizing, sizing up, dismissing, and diminishing those around me. I slowly started to become more knowledgeable about the internal criticizers as my awareness grew and my judgments diminished in response to some other issues I was tackling. While that was a huge relief, I started to realize just how much mental space and energy I was giving those internal judges. I was shocked to recognize just how bossy and mean they could be. I also began to wonder how much criticism these internal judges had of me. And man, was I amazed when I started paying attention. I realized I had a pretty constant stream of internal dialogue that was just as critical of me as it was of the outside world. That was a revelation! This really clarified, in a new way, the idea that the outer world is a reflection of the inner world. Generally, our judgment of others is an extension of self-judgment; and the self-judgment is so ingrained, so normal, we dont even recognize it. This was an intense experience of pulling back the curtain. It also signified the beginning of a great leap forward, in terms of transforming the critical internal dialogue, which, in turn (and in time), transformed and far diminished the judgment of others. Here are some tools I used to transform the judgments that you may find helpful:

1. When you catch yourself having a defining thought about someone, step back and ask, What do I really know about this person? Often, the answer is a version of not very much. This behavior acts as a pattern interrupt, and forces you to stop and consider where the judgment is coming from. 2. When you hear yourself criticizing someone to others, stop and take a moment to come up with one thing you like about that person. Then praise them, out loud, for that quality. This is another version of a pattern interrupt, and is also a reminder that they too are human, and like us all, have both attractive and not-so-attractive qualities. 3. When you find yourself in one of those incessant loop thought patterns of judgment about someone elses behaviors, ask the hard question: Do I myself exhibit this same behavior or attitude that I judge in this person? Almost always, the answer is yes (not that one always comes to that yes easily). You probably already know that the stuff that irritates us the most about others tends to be attributes we dont necessarily realize we ourselves have. This was the single most difficult tool I used. It was also probably the most effective. I am pleased to report that I have massively reduced the judgmental behaviors, toward others and myself. I still consider that its an ongoing journey, which helps me in recognizing any rogue criticisms pretty quickly. Most importantly, I have a completely different perspective on other people than I used to. Keeping this in mind has been helpful; if youre struggling with judgment of others, perhaps you will find it useful as well: For us to judge another, wed have to know everything about that persontheir complete personality, their personal history, their belief systems, their culture, their religion, their family background, and all their past experiences, for starters. Lets pretend, for a moment, that we could possibly know all of this about another person. At that point, since we would see that person in their totalityand we would see that all the decisions that person makes, and all the experiences they are creating, are theirs to make and create as they see fit, to support their lovely, complex, ever-changing growth processthered be nothing to judge. So since we cant possibly know all those things about another, lets just skip right up to the nothing to judge part, okay?

Its a deal. e the same remark and you dont have that judgment about yourself, it probably wont bother you at all. I once visited a new friends house and everyone in the family was shorter than me. Since Im the shortest person in my family, I never felt too tall. When my friends mother met me at the door and said with a slightly disappointed tone, Oh, you are so tall, it didnt affect me. I was aware that she had some discomfort with my height, but I didnt take it personally. However, had she been tall and said, Oh, you are so short, it probably would have pushed my buttons, since I do feel somewhat short. This point is valid for almost any interaction imaginable: Reactions always have to do with our own self-judgments and feelings of inadequacy or strength, not the other person. Most judgments of others stem from one of three basic causes:

1. You wouldnt tolerate the same behavior or characteristic in yourself.

For instance, you might be shy and encounter a very gregarious person. Your judgment might go something like this: What a show-off. They are so loud and obnoxious. Because you would be embarrassed to act this way, you resent somebody else doing it. This type of judgment might reveal that you are not fully expressing yourself, hence you feel resentful or put off by others doing so, even if they do it clumsily. Becoming aware of the truth of this reaction and working on expressing yourself more fully and authentically would result in a valuable gift of freer self-expression.

2. You display the same behavior and arent aware of it so you project your disowned behavior onto others and dislike it out there.
Everyone has encountered the second cause at some point. Someone is complaining about a friend or acquaintance and you think to yourself, Thats funny, they do the same thing they are finding wrong!

Taking an honest look within to see if you share some of the characteristics you dislike in others. You may be surprise to learn that you do, and it is likely to offer insight into gaining greater selfacceptance and compassion for others.

3. You are envious and resent the feelings that come up so you find something wrong with those who have what you want and end up judging them.
Someone who has attained recognition may remind you of your own lack of success in this area. You may resent their higher degree of accomplishment and then find something wrong with them in order to avoid your own feelings of inadequacy. Since inspiration is a much more effective motivator than competition, youd be more likely to experience success if you got inspired by other peoples victories instead of wasting time finding fault with them. Most judgments of others are ego strategies to avoid uncomfortable feelings. However, if you lack the awareness of where they come from, they can lead to even more discomfort down the line. Becoming aware of the nature of your judgments doesnt mean that you no longer have preferences. You may still notice that certain types of behavior seem unappealing. But with right understanding and a little work, discernment rather than judgment kicks in and causes you to feel compassion for others, even if youre not enthusiastic about their behavior. At the very least, youll feel neutral. Discernment is awareness and understanding without an emotional response. Exercising discernment feels very different from getting your buttons pushed. Judgments that cause emotional reactions are clues to help you find personal insight. When you explore beliefs and assumptions instead of judging people, you open a door to expanded self-awareness and self-acceptance. Rather than unconsciously delighting in the ego gratification of judging others, you let your reactions and judgments help you achieve greater self-understandingand accordingly, greater happiness and success. When you use your judgment of others as a mirror to show you the workings of your own mind, every persons reflection can become a valuable gift, making each person you encounter a teacher and a blessing.

Photo by mark sebastian