Discovering the Desperate Lady

A sample of findings as discovered by the Maritime Assemblage Archaeological Group With Funding from the National Science Foundation

11/25/09 Upon reaching coordinates 15.476975,-59.27124, approximately 198 KM off the eastern coast of Dominica our team dropped anchor and began our diving expedition. We were pleased to find remnants of, at this time, an unidentified ship.

Our team of 20 dedicated underwater archaeologist will continue to investigate the ship through dives and underwater recon. From our base boat, Zeus, the team plans to further our investigation of this ship as well as the contents inside. Hopefully with the proper scientific procedures we confirm that this is a find that will lead to important discoveries. After 3 hours of dive time, the team has planned to use an underwater ROV to continue with exploration of the unidentified ship and to aid the divers in this study.

11/28/09Using information from photographs we received along with scale drawing, we were able to composite this idea of what the ship may have looked like:

Were still waiting for out sketch artist Greg to return from lunch.

11/28/09Our sketch artist returned from lunch and was able to sketch a much better picture than I drew yesterday. According to him, the shipped probably looked more like this:

I and the rest of the crew agreed that the waves were a bit unnecessary, as he only needed to sketch the ship as a scientific document. But Greg the sketch artist had to go and show off. I mean sure it looks good, but mine was fine too. And mine had more soul. If my parents paid for four years of art school I could draw like this too. Greg is such a jerk. Plus I bet he doesnt even know Kung Fu like he always says. However if this is in fact a correct drawing, the sketch matches description of a ship called the Desperate Lady, captained by the infamous Captain No Beard. Although there is no way to confirm this, and will definitely never be a way to definitely confirm this, we can assume that this is the Desperate Lady that sunk coincidentally exactly 300 years ago today. More research may lead us to confirming our suspicions about this being the Desperate Lady, but like I said, well never really know for sure. 11/29/09Never mind. Its the Desperate Lady alright. We found a big sign down there that said Desperate Lady, as well as a code of provisions that said Articles of Agreement for being on the Desperate Lady, and also an article of clothing that said My parents were abducted from their merchant vessel and forced into a life of piracy upon the Desperate Lady and all I got was this stupid shirt. This is definitely the ship captained by No Beard. I took a couple hours and decided to sketch what No Beard looked like based on witness reports and descriptions. Keep in mind how much better my drawing is than that jerk sketch artist Greg.

When Greg came back from lunch he was nice enough to inform me, in front of the whole crew, of a few minor things I may have drawn incorrectly. Apparently Captain No Beard, for one, had no beard. He also did not have a giant wooden peg leg, a bionic laser eye, and his left and right hands replaced with a hook eternally holding skeleton and a pizza cutter, respectively. He then proceeded to hang my picture on the boats refrigerator and draw his version of Captain No Beard, along with his Fist Mate.

As it turns out, No Beard was known for his good looks. Which Greg reflected accurately in his stupid drawing. Everyone thought his was way better. Hey crew, if you love Greg so much why don t you marry him? If he didnt say he had 16 years Kung Fu Id punch him. I think hes lying anyway. No Beards first mate, Antonio de la Ruiz, was equally as well known as him and quite a bit uglier. According to documents, No Beard was originally from Wales and a member in the Navy when he defected into a life of piracy after being captured by Captain Long John Silverstein aboard the ship Queen Montezumas Revenge. After Silversteins death, No Beard was elected as a new Captain and quickly commandeered a new ship, which he aptly named, Desperate Lady. He had a crew of 120 and 50 guns at his peak, lead by him and his first mate, Antonio de la Ruiz from Spain. The Desperate Lady sunk in battle after a daring fight with the Royal Navy.

Apparently, No Beard was chasing a brigantine to steal their supplies when 20 Ships of the Line surrounded him. He fell into a trap. No beard had successfully avoided capture for many years and regularly taunted the Royal Navy. He quickly became their primary target and had miraculously escape broadsides from multiple Ships of the Line. This time he was not so lucky, but he wouldnt go out without a fight. Considered a genius, No Beard was an avid inventor and created many ingenious feats of engineering (many of which we found the blueprints for upon the Desperate Lady). One of them was a primitive submarine made out of wood, pine tar, and weights. No Beard and his first mate decided that this would be a great chance to test out their new invention. If all went according to plan, they would slip into the submarine incognito while the rest of the crew stalled. Then, while all was tense and it appeared the Desperate Lady has surrendered, they would slowly and secretively begin destroying the ships from the safety of their submarine. Being as the submarine had never been heard of before, the Navy wouldn t know what is happening or how to defend against it. All 20 ships would be destroyed and sunk as No Beard and his First Mate quickly dispatched the entire Royal Navy fleet. No Beard would then surface to great cheers and applause, board his ship again, and then sail off unharmed and free. Unfortunately, not knowing anything about atmospheric pressure, buoyancy, or oxygen, No Beard boarded his submarine and quickly sank towards the bottom of the ocean, experienced nitrogen narcosis, and was then crushed to death by the heightened pressure. His ship was then defeated and sunk by the Royal Navy. I bet Greg didnt know that. Suck on that Greg!

12/13/09 Today we found 7 barrels. Were going to open them tomorrow. I bet Greg 20 dollars that I could guess more of the items in the barrels than he could. Im pretty sure Im going to win this one. Plus I said the funniest joke when they asked me what was in the barrels. They said, Hey what do you think is gonna be in most of these barrels? I said, Ummm, Water! Everyone laughed. But then I told them what was actually going be in the barrels. My money is on that they will be filled with typical pirate things. I have my guess listed as this: parrots, eye patches, peg legs, hook hands, treasure maps, telescopes, and a magic compass. Greg guessed this: rum, sugar, salt, cured meat, extra sail and sheet, animal feed, and water. What an idiot. I cant wait till I win tomorrow. Then everyone will see how dumb Greg is. Water! Hah! 12/14/09I dont want to talk about it. 12/23/09So Greg won the bet. He went 6 for 7. The only one he got wrong was the barrels of extra sail and sheet. But Greg didnt say the funniest joke yesterday and make everyone laugh, so its all cool. We found a bunch of weapons recently. We pulled up some cutlasses and other swords as well as guns and 13 cannons. Well carefully restore them. Tomorrow is our last day of excavation for this season before we go home to our families for Christmas. We were able to recover and record amazing an amazing quantity of information from this excavation. What we found will shed light on a lost part of history which will benefit future generation. I am happy to have captained such a fine group of individuals and such a fine team.

12/24/09Everyone asked Greg to show demonstrate his 16 years of Kung Fu training as a Christmas present for our last day. So Greg tried to show off by doing some tricks with the cutlasses and ended up cutting his leg off right below the knee. Instead of taking him to the hospital, we all dressed him up as a pirate and gave him a peg leg while he was passed out. I took the liberty of drawing what he looked like:

I knew he didnt know Kung Fu. Greg regained consciousness and saw my picture. He tried to draw a better picture. But due to the loss of blood and delirium, was only able to muster out this:

I finally beat him. Today is going to be a good day. p.s. We took Greg to the hospital after a couple of hours of taking pictures. Hes fine.