008

By: Herb Duncan

BOND: Dazed and confused. Ugh..Where am I?
PROFESSOR MAYBE: Good Morning, sunshine.
BOND: Who are you?
PROFESSOR MAYBE: My name is Professor Maybe. This is my hamster, his name is
Sir Alfred. Say hello to the nice man, Sir Alfred. He says hello. Im so glad you
could join us, Mr. Bond. Youre just in time to see me set off my plan for world
domination!
BOND: What do you have in mind?
PROFESSOR MAYBE: Let me give you the briefing. Takes out slide projector. This is
planet Earth. This is a large missile aimed at the planet Earth. This is the planet Earth
with a big hole in it. Evil laugh. Oh! This is me and Sir Alfred at Disney Land!
BOND: What do you want with me, professor?
PROFESSOR MAYBE: Well, for starters, I want to kill you.
BOND: Why?
PROFESSOR MAYBE: Because youre James Bond. Its every villains dream to kill
James Bond.
BOND: But, Im not really James Bond. Let me explain.
PROFESSOR MAYBE: Well, if youre not James Bond, then who are you?
BOND: Well, actually, its a pretty funny story.
INTRO
BOND: Well, I guess Ill start when I saw this ad in the newspaper.
STEVEN: OK, everyone, first of all, welcome. As we said in our ad, this audition is
being held on account of the fact that 007, the worlds number one secret agent is no
longer with us.

PERSON IN ROOM: Yeah, what exactly happened to him?

Q: Ill answer that Steven. Mr. Bond was eaten alive by a band of evil carnivorous
salamanders somewhere off the coast of Nigeria.
STEVEN: Although Mr. Bond will always hold a special place in our hearts, theres a
whole lot of word savin to do out there folks, and thats why were here.And I know
that James would have wanted that his name live on, embodied in the body of some
other hot blooded, young, ruffian. Looks at person in the audience, points, smiles. OK,
so without further adieu were going to get this puppy howlin then alright? Great.
Applicant number one, youre up!
APPLICANT NUMBER 1: The names Bond. James Bond.
Q: Im sorry, could you repeat that?
APPLICANT NUMBER 1: The names Bond. James Bond. Jamesssss...
Q: Im sorry, sir, but in order to be a secret agent, you have to lose your lisp.
APPLICANT NUMBER 1: What lisp?
Q: Next! OK. So why do you think youre qualified for the position of secret agent?
APPLICANT NUMBER 2: Well, I like to work with children.
Q: Very nice. Um, do you by chance have any special skills, Mr. Anderson?
APPLICANT NUMBER 2: Im handy with the pick axe. Haha.
Q: Im sure you are, yes. Looks over at Steven. Pick axe! You tell him! No, you tell him!
Well get back to you, thanks. OK. Moving on, whos next?
APPLICANT NUMBER 3: Yes, Im going to be performing a little routine I put
together inspired by the Broadway musical of the early 1980's. Gets himself focused.
Musical can be any that you desire. Starts to sing and then is cut off
STEVEN: OK Hold it. Im sorry, but can somebody please explain to me why this
gentleman is dressed like a cat?
Q: Im sorry, sir, thats not what were looking for.

APPLICANT NUMBER 3: Sung. I really need this job. Oh, God, I need this job.
STEVEN: Security!
APPLICANT NUMBER 3: Ive got to-hey! Hissing noises.
STEVEN: Um, I hate to interrupt, sir, but Im afraid were just about out of time.
Headquarters is getting impatient.
Q: Oh, alright, Ill just pick the next person who comes in the room to be James Bond.
BOND: Excuse me, did someone drop some whiskers?
It was then that I learned that James Bond was dead. They told me they needed a
replacement Bond, someone to fill in for him, so I agreed. I began my training the next
day.
Q: OK, Im going to ask you your name, and youre going to respond how?
BOND: The names Bond, James (Turns page in script)

Bond.
Q: Good. Good. Good. Uh, now, lets try it without the script. What is your name?
BOND: The names Bond. James Bond. My friends call me Jimmy. Joke?
Q: No no no...
BOND: I was taught to be a master swordsman.
SENSEI: The blade is like a woman. You must make love to her. Find its erogenous
zones. Licks sword.

BOND: That looks painful.

SENSEI: You have no idea!
BOND: I was polished and styled.
STYLIST: Hi, my name is (Hand gesture or just a sound, like Mmmhmm), and Im
gonna be your fashion consultant. Mmm, boyfriend, you gonna need a full-body makeover.
BOND: And, six hours later
STYLIST: There, that is so much better.
BOND: Well, thank you very much, Mr. Uh....name you decided upon.
STYLIST: And, let me tell you something, Mr. Secret Agent Man, if I ever catch you
wearing a black belt with brown shoes again I will personally make sure that you do not
live to see tomorrow, do you understand me?
BOND: And finally they said I was ready for my first mission. My assignment was to
find you, Professor Maybe, here at the Camel Club Casino in Jamaica. I arrived the next
day and began making the rounds.
BARTENDER: Can I get you something to drink, Mr. Bond?
BOND: Yeah, um, Ill have a Shirley Temple...Virgin.
PROFESSOR MAYBE: Oh Sir Alfred, thats a little girly drink!
BOND: Hey! And, then I ran into one of your henchmen.
HENCHMAN: Come on! Daddy needs a new pair of shoes. Woo!!!
BOND: Nice roll, mind if I join you? I used to be pretty handy with the dice back in my
day. (Shakes dice) Yhatzee.
HENCHMAN: This is craps man!
BOND: I know.
BARTENDER: Heres your drink, Mr. Bond, one Shirley Temple.

BOND: Thank you very much. Takes sip. Mmmm. Takes another sip and a
hallucination follows.
And I guess thats how I ended up here. Im not a secret agent. Im just a regular guy.
My names Carl, I work at Taco Grande!.
PROFESSOR MAYBE: Those are good tacos.
BOND: Thanks. So, are you gonna let me go now?
PROFESSOR MAYBE: No, I think Ill kill you anyway, just for funzies!
BOND: All right, if thats what the worlds come to, then kill me. I dont want to live in
a world with people like you anyway. Why dont grow up, and get a real job.
PROFESSOR MAYBE: Like working at Taco Grande!?
BOND: Hey, screw you. I dont know about you, but I just want to go home, live a
normal life, have a family in the suburbs; a beautiful wife.
PROFESSOR MAYBE: Do you think that I could have a beautiful wife?
BOND: Uhhh, no. But maybe you could find some nice..ogre lady.
PROFESSOR MAYBE: Maybe youre right. OK, Mr. Bond, Im given up my life of
crime. You are free to go. Say good bye to the nice man, Sir Alfred. He says good
bye.
BOND: When I returned home the next day, I resigned from the secret agent business. I
never saw Professor Maybe or Sir Alfred again. But every now and then, when I see a
hamster in a pet store window, or hear a bad German accent, I think about them, and I
say a little prayer.