Dale Andersen

27702 Crown Valley Parkway

#117, D-4
Ladera Ranch, CA 92694
(562) 508-5820
andersen.dale@gmail.com

MERRY CHRISTMAS, BITCH!

By

Dale Andersen
©2005

Cast of Characters

Sondra Sweet……………Female,in her early 40’s

Duane Champagne……Male, in his 60’s
Laura Love…………………Female, in her late 40’s
 2

MERRY CHRISTMAS, BITCH!

(At Rise: A theatre stage. A microphone on

a stand)

SONDRA SWEET:
(Strides to microphone. Big smile. A
stopwatch in her hand. She counts silently,
1, 2, 3. Presses stopwatch)
Hi everyone! Gosh, you all look great. What a great,
great audience. Hey, it’s almost Christmas, isn’t it?
Everybody got their Christmas list written? Ready to hit
the malls? Yeah? Yeah? Well, guess what? I’m not.
Fact is, holiday shopping torques me off bigtime. Not
worth the aggravation. This year I decided to quit. I’m
gonna sit this puppy out. I’m gonna get me a case of
Southern Comfort and drink myself under the table. When I
come back up for air, I want the Twelve Days of Christmas
to be over and out. Hey, it’s not the gifts I got a
problem with. It’s the people. They’re all so self-
absorbed, so touchy, so sensitive. Anything sets them
off. My advice is, don’t buy ‘em anything. Anything you
buy ‘em, they’re gonna hate it anyway. They’re gonna ask
you for the receipt so they can take it back. Picky
bastards. Time was you could give them anything and it was
fine. People were pleased as punch just to be on anyone’s
Christmas list at all. It was an honor. A mark of
distinction. Back then giving was emphasized. It was a
less material age. You could giftwrap, say, a dried cow
turd and put it under the tree and you would get a thank
you. Guaranteed. Months later, they’d still be talking
about it. “Did I forget to thank you for the lovely
Christmas turd? It was so thoughtful of you. William and
I found so many uses for it. And we told all our friends.”
Those days will never come back. But you know, say what
you will about Christmas, there’s always the Christmas
tree. And, girls, did you know, a Christmas tree is better
than a man? It’s true. I hear you saying, how can that
be? Well, let me count the ways. First, a Christmas tree
is always erect. Second, a Christmas tree looks good –
even with the lights on. It stays up for twelve days and
twelve nights. And, it has cute balls. Thank you so very
much. You’re a beautiful audience. Thank you.
 3

SONDRA SWEET(Cont):
(Presses stopwatch button)
Hmmm, not bad. Needs more work on the timing. Timing is
everything. Hey! What do a priest and a Christmas tree
have in common? Give up? Ornamental balls! Yesssss!
(Enter LAURA LOVE and DUANE CHAMPAGNE in the
aisle amongst the audience. DUANE wears a
top hat and an old fashioned nightshirt)
Yes? Who’s there? Come out and show yourself! For your
information, I am armed. To the teeth. So beware!

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
Hello. Hello up there.

LAURA LOVE:
Excuse us. Are we interrupting?

SONDRA SWEET:
I wish.

LAURA LOVE:
We’re supposed to meet a Miss Sondra Sweet?

SONDRA SWEET:
Well, you’re in luck today. I’m a Miss Sondra Sweet. I’m
the only Miss Sondra Sweet in this neck of the woods. I
own this dump.

LAURA LOVE:
Oh no. Don’t say dump.

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
Lovely little theater. So intimate. So……so je ne sais
quoi.

LAURA LOVE:
We do like the props you have.

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
Indeed we do.
 4

SONDRA SWEET:
Yeah? Well, thank you. I got this prop guru named
Wendell. He comes in once a week to help set up the stage.
He’s got lots of props. Whole mess of props. Works for
beer and pussy.
(Audible gasp from LAURA & DUANE)
Ha ha. That’s a joke. Hey, you got a name, Sweetie?

LAURA LOVE:
(Deftly recovering)
Oh, forgive me. I’m Laura Love? Director? With the
Presbyterian Repertory?

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
We’re rehearsing Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. For the
children of the parish.

LAURA LOVE:
Michael called you to reserve the stage?

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
We’d like to do two hours rehearsal today if.

SONDRA SWEET:
(Overlaps. To LAURA, indicating DUANE)
So what’s his story?

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
(Indicating his costume)
Oh, my goodness, forgive us again. I’m Duane Champagne. I
play Scrooge.

SONDRA SWEET:
Scrooge, huh?

LAURA LOVE:
We’re so lucky to have Duane.

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
Oh now now. Stop it, Laura. Please.

LAURA LOVE:
He’s very experienced. He's been Scrooge before.
 5

SONDRA SWEET:
Been Scrooge before. No kidding? Hey, Duane! How many
times you been Scrooge? Hey Duane! You like a kiss after
you been Scrooge? Heyyyy, just kidding, Duane, OK? You
know, I do comedy. I do standup.

LAURA LOVE:
Really now? I’ve never met a real life comed.

SONDRA SWEET:
(Overlaps)
But I’m so busy what with running the theater and then
there’s all my other commitments and oblig.

LAURA LOVE:
(Overlaps)
Oh yes, busy busy.

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
(Overlaps)
We know what that’s like.

LAURA LOVE:
(Overlaps)
With us it’s choir practice.

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
(Overlaps)
Prayer groups.

LAURA LOVE:
(Overlaps)
So much activity and not enough time in the day. It’s all
such a blur.

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
(Overlaps)
Time marches on. Tick tock tick tock.

SONDRA SWEET:
(Overlaps)
Yeah, I get so many requests. I finally put my foot down.
These days I only do intimate venues for discriminating
audiences.

LAURA LOVE:
Yes, we.
 6

SONDRA SWEET:
(Overlaps)
Many call, but few are chosen.

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
Ah ha.

SONDRA SWEET:
That’s from the Bible, I think.

LAURA LOVE:
Oh yes.

SONDRA SWEET:
I don’t read it. A close friend gave me that line.

LAURA LOVE:
(Overlaps)
Verse.

SONDRA SWEET:
What?

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
We don’t say lines in the Bible.

LAURA LOVE:
We say verses.

SONDRA SWEET:
No shit.
(Audible gasp from LAURA & DUANE)
Personally, I think it’s a lot of hooey.

LAURA LOVE:
Hooey? Did she say hooey?

SONDRA SWEET:
Yeah. You know, hooey. Bullshit.

(Long painful pause)

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
(Barely able to remain civil)
Well. I think we had best get started.
 7

LAURA LOVE:
Yes, we better.

SONDRA SWEET:
Ready to start, are you? OK. You can use half the stage.

LAURA LOVE:
Half?

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
But we need the whole.

SONDRA SWEET:
(Overlaps)
Didn’t Michael explain? I said I had other things going
on. I was very up front. The reason I’m doing this at all
is as a personal favor to Michael. And hey, because it’s
Christmas.

LAURA LOVE:
I guess we’re missing something.

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
Who else needs to use the stage right now?

SONDRA SWEET:
Excuse me! I’m rehearsing my Christmas bit. Right now.
I’m using stage right.

LAURA LOVE:
You can’t hold off?

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
Hold off for a couple of hours?

SONDRA SWEET:
Negative. Timing is everything in comedy. I hone my bits
until they are letter perfect. I’ll have you know my
Christmas bits are legendary. By the way, do you have the
fifty dollars?

LAURA LOVE & DUANE CHAMPAGNE:

Fifty dollars?
 8

SONDRA SWEET:
Yeah. I charge twenty five per. I told Michael. Twenty
five per is industry standard. On the low end, actually.
And I said cash. Cash on the barrel. Up front.

LAURA LOVE:
(Stage whisper. SONDRA cocks an ear)
We can’t rehearse at the church.

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
(Stage whisper to Laura)
No. They’ve four funerals and a wedding today.

LAURA LOVE:
This is ridiculous.

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
Well.

LAURA LOVE:
Well?

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
Well, I have a twenty.

LAURA LOVE:
I have only three ones, but that was for lunch.

SONDRA SWEET:
Give it here. You can owe me the other twenty eight. OK.
Good. Stage left is all yours. For two hours. And don’t
touch the microphone. Now I gotta go do something. Be
back in a sec.

(SONDRA SWEET exits)

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
Thia is insane.

LAURA LOVE:
I’m sorry.

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
Not your fault. Horrid woman. All she talks about is sex
and money.
 9

LAURA LOVE:
Let’s try making the best of it.

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
You’re right. Let’s just block her out.

LAURA LOVE:
Half the stage.

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
Can you believe it?

LAURA LOVE:
She’s not even using it. She left. I’ll bet she drinks.

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
No doubt she does. And this. This is so undignified!
(SONDRA SWEET re-enters with bottle in paper
sack from which she takes sips)
Oh, hello there, Miss Sweet.

SONDRA SWEET:
Hey, don’t mind me. Just go on doing what you’re doing.

(DUANE & LAURA exchange a meaningful glance)

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
Right, Laura. Let’s get on with it.

LAURA LOVE:
All right. Page 24. We start with the scene in the
Cratchit house. The Cratchit family is celebrating
Christmas. The Ghost of Christmas Present has brought you
here to show you the true meaning of Christmas.

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
I got it. I’m ready.

LAURA LOVE:
I’ll read Bob Cratchit, Tiny Tim and the Ghost. You read
the Scrooge lines.

LAURA LOVE:
Bob: “A Merry Christmas to us all, my dears. God bless
us!” Tiny Tim: “God bless us every one!”
 10

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
"Spirit, tell me if Tiny Tim will live."

LAURA LOVE:
Ghost: “I see a vacant seat in the chimney-corner. And a
crutch without an owner. If these shadows remain unaltered
by the future, the child will die.”

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
"No, no. Oh, no, kind Spirit! Say he will be spared."

LAURA LOVE:
Ghost: “If these shadows remain unaltered by the future,
none other will find him here. What then? If he be like
to die, he had better do it quick.” As the Ghost speaks
those words, you are visibly overcome with grief and
penitence. Then we go to blackout.

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
Blackout? Why a blackout?

LAURA LOVE:
It's a good place for one. The first time you express
compassion. It’s a pregnant moment.

SONDRA SWEET:
(Aside to audience)
Scrooge. Pregnant. Picture that.

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
But. But I wouldn’t put a blackout there. I would have a
very tight light on me pondering and reflecting.

LAURA LOVE:
I'll think about it. Let’s do another scene, shall we?

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
(Visibly unhappy that his request was
rejected)
Whatever.

LAURA LOVE:
Page 67, please.

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
Fine. Page 67.
 11

LAURA LOVE:
You wake up. The third ghost has come and gone. You feel
wonderful. Filled with Christmas joy. Your only fear is
that you may have missed Christmas. You throw open the
window. You see a small boy in the street below. Ok. Go!

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
"I don’t know what day of the month it is! I don’t know
how long I’ve been among the Spirits. I don’t know
anything. Hello there, young man! What’s today?"

LAURA LOVE:
"What did you say, sir?"

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
"What’s today, my fine young fellow?"

LAURA LOVE:
"Today! Why, Christmas Day, sir. It’s Christmas!"

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
"It’s Christmas Day! I haven’t missed it. The Spirits
have done it all in one night. They can do anything they
like. Of course they can. Of course they can. Here, my
fine young fellow! Here is a shilling for you! Merry
Christmas to you! Merry Christmas to everybody!"

LAURA LOVE:
Duane. You need to punch those words. Remember. You’re
on a total Christmas high. You’ve gone through a major
personality transformation. Suddenly, you love all
mankind. You want to explode with love. Give me an
explosion.

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
I thought I was perfect. This is the way I’ve done it for
years.

SONDRA SWEET:
I thought he sucked.

LAURA LOVE:
Please, Ms Sweet. Duane. I need more love. More
Christmas cheer. Punch the words.

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
I do not suck.
 12

LAURA LOVE:
I didn’t say you su…………didn’t say you were bad, Duane. I
just.

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
She said I sucked. Nobody says that to me. Nobody.

LAURA LOVE:
Ms Sweet. You are interfering with my work.

SONDRA SWEET:
Excuse me. I thought I was giving honest feedback.

LAURA LOVE:
Duane does not suck.

SONDRA SWEET:
I was just putting into words what you were thinking.
Plain as day on your face.

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
You? You too? You think I suck? Is that what you think?

LAURA LOVE:
Duane! Stop it. Stop it right now!

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
So! Backstabber! Mata Hari! The truth finally comes out!

LAURA LOVE:
Duane! You get back to your place.

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
I am Scrooge! Duane Champagne is Scrooge! And Duane does
not suck!

LAURA LOVE:
Duane! You’re acting like a small child!

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
Don’t psychoanalyze me, you………you………!

LAURA LOVE:
Oh, my god! You’re such an ass!
 13

DUANE CHAMPAGNE:
(Slams top hat to floor)
That’s it. Duane quits! Duane is leaving!

SONDRA SWEET:
Well, he sure punched those words.

(DUANE exits)

LAURA LOVE:
Duane! Wait! You are a horrible, horrible woman! I hope
you choke on your turkey. I hope Santa gives you a big
lump of coal.

(LAURA exits)

SONDRA SWEET:
Yeah, Merry Christmas, bitch.
(SONDRA picks up top hat. Carries it in her
hand. Goes to microphone)
Hey, girls. Christmas is just around the corner. I got a
great gift idea for that man in your life. Buying gifts
for a man is so easy. Remember this. You can’t go wrong
with a cordless drill. Doesn’t matter if he already has
one. One guy I know has seventeen. A man can never have
too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
(She puts hat on)
And………you know………what with all the gift-giving and parties,
isn’t it true we sometimes forget about the true meaning of
Christmas. Peace on earth? Giving to the less fortunate?
Birth of Jesus?
(Removes hat. Gives it a strange look)
Naaaahhhhh. Speaking of Jesus. Three wise men arrive to
visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men
was kinda tall, bumped his head going through the low
doorway. "Jesus Christ!" he shouted. Joseph said, "Write
that down, Mary. It sure beats Clyde!" Thank you. Thank
you very much. You’re all beautiful. I love you.

THE END