My Own Theory of Devolution (Jessica Zafra) Youve heard of the theory of evolution; if you havent, there is a serious gap

in your education. There was a major fuss when Darwin came out with it in the last century. In this century, even evolution remained controversial in a little town in America, a teacher was put on trial for mentioning it to his students. Apparently, their mommies and daddies were not pleased to hear that they were distantly related to the apes. Mercifully, the apes were unable to express their opinion. But lets not go into that. In fact, lets talk about the exact opposite of evolution; that is, devolution. If evolving means moving up to a higher life form, devolving means deteriorating to a lower life form. See, I have this theory about alcohol. The more you drink, the lower you go down the evolutionary ladder. When you start swigging the vodka for the poison of your choice, youre recognizably human. A few shots later, the change begins. Your vision blurs. The room appears to be shining. Slowly, at first, then you feel like youre inside a blender with some oranges and ice. Your face feels lopsided, and you ask your drinking companions if one side of your face is larger than the other. And when you have to go to the bathroom, walking upright makes you nauseous. You sort of slouch over with your arms down to your knees and do an ape like shuffle... and thats when youve gone APE. Monkey. Simian. Youve just rejoined our distant relative. But you dont stop drinking no no no. What, and be a spoilsport? You go on swilling the drink of depressed Russians, the stuff they imbibe because it takes a long to line up for Cakes. Soon, you cant even stay on your feet anymore. Your legs turn into vestigial appendages (meaning theyre there. But you cant use them). And if you have to travel to another part of the room, you crawl over. You slither on your hands and stomach. You even make a crashing noise that resembles hissing. Bingo. Youre in the REPTILE stage. If youre the talkative, hyper verbal sort, you will find that imbibing alcohol not only loosens your tongue, but charges it electrically. First there is a noticeable rise in the volume of your voice. Soon, youve got a built in megaphone. Not only do you insult your friends in a voice that carries all the way to the next block, but you also reveal your darkest secrets to people you just met two hours ago. You stop talking, and you start speechifying. You get pompous. Eventually you stop making sense. A sure sign that youve developed to the POLITICIAN level, a stage closely related to reptiles, particularly crocodiles (buwaya). It is here that you are at your most obnoxious. Fortunately, the politician stage passes, although the duration varies from person to person. Some verbose types can go on for hours, in which case it is necessary to force feed them some bucks through food old honest blackmail. You keep on drinking, and the alcohol content of your blood continues to rise. Your brains are getting

pickled. If you should insist upon driving yourself home, you will make things really easy for the mortuary people. They wouldnt have to embalm you anymore, they can just stick you in a jar and put you under bright lights for your grieving relatives. You cant even crawl anymore, so in your warped state of mind, you attempt to swim on the floor. This is either the Sammy the Sperm phase in which you regress to the time you were racing several thousand other sperm cells to reach that egg, or the FISH phase, fish being lower down the food chain. Soon your body refuses to take any more pickling, and goes to sleep on you. You pass out on whatever surface you happen to be on. Hopefully, you land on a surface that is not conducive to pneumonia. (This is why you must make sure friends are present when you drink. If you get smashed, you can be reasonably sure they wont leave you on the street to get run over by a truck). When youve lost consciousness, youve gone as far down the evolutionary ladder as you can. Youre not even a living organism anymore, youre a ROCK. The next morning the process of evolution starts up again. You wake up, and you ask, How did I get here? Where am I? Whats your name? Your mouth tastes like toxic waste, battery acid, or something you forgot to put in the refrigerator that developed green spots. Your head is being bludgeoned at regular intervals with an invisible bag of shot. You mouth vile things Youre a politician. You crawl toward the bathroom youre a reptile. You stand on your legs to reach the sink youre a monkey. You throw up, and between heaves, you swear never to touch the Vodka from Hell again. Youre making resolutions you know you wont keep. Congratulations. Youre human again.