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Malignant Self Love

Narcissism Revisited
1st EDITION

6 Revised Impression

th

EXCERPTS

Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.


The Author is NOT a Mental Health Professional. The Author is certified in Counselling Techniques.

Editing and Design:

Lidija Rangelovska

A Narcissus Publications Imprint Prague & Skopje 2005

1 !"##$ Co%&right 'idi(a )angelo*s+a All rights reser*ed. This ,oo+- or an& %art thereof- .a& not ,e used or re%roduced in an& .anner /ithout /ritten %er.ission fro.: 'idi(a )angelo*s+a 0 /rite to: %al.a1unet.co...+ or to *a+sa.1.t.net..+ All rights for this ,oo+ are for sale. 'iterar& agents and %u,lishers- %lease contact 'idi(a )angelo*s+a. To get 2)EE u%dates of this ,oo+ 3O4N the Narcissis. 5tud& 'ist. To 3O4N- *isit our 6e, sites: htt%:77///.geocities.co.7*a+sa.7narclist.ht.l or htt%:77///.narcissistic!a,use.co.7narclist.ht.l or htt%:77grou%s.&ahoo.co.7grou%7narcissistica,use 8isit the Author9s 6e, site: htt%:77sa.*a+.tri%od.co. :u& other ,oo+s a,out %athological narcissis. and relationshi%s /ith a,usi*e narcissists here: htt%:77///.narcissistic!a,use.co.7the,oo+.ht.l

ISBN: 9989-929-06-8 Print ISBN: 80-238-3384-

Created ,&: 'idi(a )angelo*s+a- 5+o%(e )EP;:'4C O2 MACEDON4A

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%ore&ord Introd'(tion ) #*e +a,it'al Identit#*e Nar(issisti( Personalit- .isorder A Pri.er on Narcissis. :i,liogra%h& "vervie& Chapter I: Chapter II: Chapter III: Chapter IV: Chapter V: Chapter VI: The 5oul of a Narcissist 0 The 5tate of the Art :eing 5%ecial ;niqueness and 4nti.ac& The 6or+ings of a Narcissist 0 A Pheno.enolog& The Tortured 5elf <The 4nner 6orld of the Narcissist= The E.otional 4n*ol*e.ent Pre*enti*e Measures

%re/'entl- 0sked 1'estions Narcissism The Disorder FAQ # 1: FAQ # 2: FAQ # 3: FAQ # 4: FAQ # 5: FAQ # 6: FAQ # 7: FAQ # 8: An O*er*ie/ of the Narcissist Pathological Narcissis. 0 A D&sfunction or a :lessing> The Energ& of 5elf 5elf!'o*e and Narcissis. 5elf!Defeating and 5elf!Destructi*e :eha*iours 4deas of )eference ?randiose 2antasies ?randiosit& Hango*er and Narcissist :aiting

FAQ # 9: FAQ # 10: FAQ # 11: FAQ # 12: FAQ # 13: FAQ # 14: FAQ # 15: FAQ # 16: FAQ # 17: FAQ # 18: FAQ # 19: FAQ # 20: FAQ # 21: FAQ # 22: FAQ # 23: FAQ # 24: FAQ # 25: FAQ # 26: FAQ # 27: FAQ # 28: FAQ # 29: FAQ # 30: FAQ # 31: FAQ # 32: FAQ # 33: FAQ # 34: FAQ # 35: FAQ # 36: FAQ # 37: FAQ # 38: FAQ # 39: FAQ # 40: FAQ # 41:

De%ression and the Narcissist Narcissistic )age <Anger as a 5ource of Personalit& Disorder= ?ender and the Narcissist Ho.ose@ual Narcissist Addiction to 2a.e and Cele,rit& Cons%icuous E@istence The Narcissist9s )eaction to Deficient Narcissistic 5u%%l& The Delusional 6a& Out The Co.%ulsi*e Acts of the Narcissist Narcissistic )outines The ;nsta,le Narcissist Do Narcissists Ha*e E.otions> The 4na%%ro%riate Affect The C&nical Narcissist The Narcissist as a 5adist Other Peo%le9s Pain The Ps&cholog& of Torture Multi%le ?randiosit& 2alse Modest& 6ar%ed )ealit& and )etroacti*e E.otional Content Narcissistic 5ignal- 5ti.ulus and Hi,ernation Mini!C&cles The Narcissistic Pendulu. and the Pathological Narcissistic 5%ace The 4nani.ate as a 5ource of Narcissistic 5u%%l& <Narcissistic :randing and Narcissistic Contagion= The Dual )ole of the 2alse 5elf The 5tri%%ed Ego The 5%lit!off Ego The 5erious Narcissist Narcissists- Disagree.ents and Criticis. Transfor.ations of Aggression Narcissistic Hu.iliation The Midlife Narcissist To Age /ith ?race The Narcissist and 4ntros%ection

FAQ # 42: FAQ # 43: FAQ # 44: FAQ # 45: FAQ # 46: FAQ # 47: FAQ # 48: FAQ # 49: FAQ # 50: FAQ # 51: FAQ # 52: FAQ # 53: FAQ # 54: FAQ # 55: FAQ # 56:

FAQ # 57: FAQ # 58: FAQ # 59: FAQ # 60:

The 'osses of the Narcissist ?etting :etter Can a Narcissist Hel% Hi.self> )econditioning the Narcissist Treat.ent Modalities and Thera%ies Narcissistic Mirroring The De*elo%.ent of the Narcissist The Narcissist9s Mother The 4n*erted Narcissist Narcissists- 4n*erted Narcissists and 5chiAoids Narcissists and Che.ical 4.,alances M&ths a,out Narcissis. The 5elfish ?ene <The ?enetic ;nder%innings of Narcissis.= Narcissis. 0 The Ps&cho%athological Default Narcissis.- Other Mental Health Disorders- 5u,stance A,use- and )ec+less :eha*iours <Co!Mor,idit& and Dual Diagnosis= Eating Disorders and the Narcissist Can the Narcissist Ha*e a Meaningful 'ife> A Case 5tud& The Narcissist9s )eactions to This Te@t

Narcissism and Society FAQ # 61: FAQ # 62: FAQ # 63: FAQ # 64: FAQ # 65: FAQ # 66: FAQ # 67: FAQ # 68: FAQ # 69: FAQ # 70: FAQ # 71: FAQ # 72: A Drea. 4nter%reted Ho/ to )ecognise a Narcissist> 4nteracting /ith a Narcissist The 6ea%on of 'anguage E@%loitation ,& a Narcissist The Narcissist9s 8icti.s Narcissis. ,& Pro@& 2acilitating Narcissis. Narcissists in Positions of Authorit& 2or the 'o*e of ?od The Narcissist and 5ocial 4nstitutions Collecti*e Narcissis. <Narcissis.- Culture and 5ociet&=

FAQ # 73: FAQ # 74: FAQ # 75: FAQ # 76: FAQ # 77: FAQ # 78: FAQ # 79: FAQ # 80: FAQ # 81: FAQ # 82: FAQ # 83: FAQ # 84: FAQ # 85: FAQ # 86: 2AB C DE: FAQ # 88: FAQ # 89:

The Narcissist in Court The Narcissist in a 6or+%lace )es%onsi,ilit& and Other Matters The Accounta,le Narcissist Cri.e and Punish.ent: The Ne*er )e%enting Narcissist Narcissists- ?rou% :eha*iour and Terroris. 4s the Narcissist E*er 5orr&> A 'etter a,out Trust Trau.as as 5ocial 4nteractions The ?uilt of Others Narcissistic Confine.ent Narcissistic Allocation Narcissistic 4..unit& Narcissists- 'o*e and Healing 8indicti*e Narcissists Narcissists as Mass and 5erial Fillers Narcissists- Narcissistic 5u%%l& and 5ources of 5u%%l&

Narcissists and Family FAQ # 90: FAQ # 91: FAQ # 92: FAQ # 93: FAQ # 94: Ho/ to Co%e /ith a Narcissist> Narcissists and 6o.en The 5%ouse7Mate7Partner of the Narcissist 4n*esting in a Narcissist The Dou,le )eflection <Narcissistic Cou%les and Narcissistic T&%es= FAQ # 95: Narcissistic Parents FAQ # 96: Narcissists and Children FAQ # 97: The Narcissist and His 2a.il& FAQ # 98: Narcissists- 5e@ and 2idelit& FAQ # 99: The E@tra!Marital Narcissist FAQ # 100: Mourning the Narcissist FAQ # 101: 5ur*i*ing the Narcissist FAQ # 102: The Dead Parents 2'ide to !o3ing &it* 4o'r 0,'ser #*e 0't*or

"nline inde5 ?o here: htt%:77sa.*a+.tri%od.co.7siteinde@.ht.l

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Hello. )ecognise .e> No> 6ell- &ou see .e all the ti.e. Gou read .& ,oo+s- /atch .e on the ,ig screen- feast on .& art- cheer at .& ga.es- use .& in*entions- *ote .e into office- follo/ .e into ,attleta+e notes at .& lectures- laugh at .& (o+es- .ar*el at .& successesad.ire .& a%%earance- listen to .& stories- discuss .& %olitics- en(o& .& .usic- e@cuse .& faults- en*& .e .& ,lessings. No> 5till doesn9t ring a ,ell> 6ell- &ou ha*e seen .e. Of that 4 a. %ositi*e. 4n fact- if there is one thing 4 a. a,solutel& sure of- it is that. Gou ha*e seen .e. Perha%s our %aths crossed .ore %ri*atel&. Perha%s 4 a. the one /ho ca.e along and ,uilt &ou u% /hen &ou /ere do/n- e.%lo&ed &ou /hen &ou needed a (o,- sho/ed the /a& /hen &ou /ere lostoffered confidence /hen &ou /ere dou,ting- .ade &ou laugh /hen &ou /ere ,lue- s%ar+ed &our interest /hen &ou /ere ,ored- listened to &ou and understood- sa/ &ou for /hat &ou reall& are- felt &our %ain and found the ans/ers- .ade &ou /ant to ,e ali*e. Of course &ou recognise .e. 4 a. &our ins%iration- &our role .odel- &our sa*iour- &our leader- &our ,est friend- the one &ou as%ire to e.ulatethe one /hose fa*our .a+es &ou glo/. :ut 4 can also ,e &our /orst night.are. 2irst 4 ,uild &ou u% ,ecause that9s /hat &ou need. Gour s+ies are ,lue. Then- out of the ,lue- 4 start tearing &ou do/n. Gou let .e do it ,ecause that9s /hat &ou are used to. Gou are du.founded. :ut 4 /as /rong to ta+e %it& on &ou. Gou reall& A)E inco.%etent- disres%ectful- untrust/orth&- i..oralignorant- ine%t- egotistical- constrained- disgusting. Gou are a social

e.,arrass.ent- an una%%reciati*e %artner- an inadequate %arent- a disa%%oint.ent- a se@ual flo%- a financial lia,ilit&. 4 tell &ou this to &our face. 4 .ust. 4t is .& right- ,ecause it is. 4 ,eha*e- at ho.e and a/a&- in an& /a& 4 /ant to- /ith total disregard for con*entions- .ores- or the feelings of others. 4t is .& right,ecause it is. 4 lie to &our face- /ithout a t/itch or a t/itter- and there is a,solutel& nothing &ou can do a,out it. 4n fact- .& lies are not lies at all. The& are the truth- .& truth. And &ou ,elie*e the.- ,ecause &ou do- ,ecause the& do not sound or feel li+e lies- ,ecause to do other/ise /ould .a+e &ou question &our o/n sanit&- /hich &ou ha*e a tendenc& to do an&/a&- ,ecause fro. the *er& ,eginning of our relationshi% &ou %laced &our trust and ho%es in .e- deri*ed &our energ&- direction- sta,ilit&- and confidence fro. .e and fro. &our association /ith .e. 5o /hat9s the %ro,le. if the safe ha*en 4 %ro*ide co.es /ith a %rice> 5urel& 4 a. /orth it and then so.e. )un to our friends. ?o. 5ee /hat that /ill get &ou. )idicule. Peo%le ,elie*e /hat the& see and /hat the& see is the sa.e /onderful .e that &ou also sa/ and still do. 6hat the& also see is the *er& .i@ed u% %erson that &ou ha*e o,*iousl& ,eco.e. The .ore &ou %lead for understanding- the .ore con*inced the& are that the craA& one is &ou- the .ore isolated &ou feel- and the harder &ou tr& to .a+e things right again- not ,& changing .e ,ut ,& acce%ting .& criticis.s and ,& stri*ing to i.%ro*e &ourself. Could it ,e that &ou /ere /rong a,out .e in the ,eginning> 5o /rong as that> Ho/ do &ou thin+ our friends /ill react if &ou insist that the& are also /rong a,out .e> After all- the& +no/ that it reall& is &ou /ho ha*e th/arted .& %rogress- tainted .& re%utation- and thro/n .e off course. 4 disa%%oint &ou> OutrageousH Gou are the one /ho ha*e disa%%ointed .e. 'oo+ at all the frustrations &ou cause .e. 'uc+& for &ou- 4 ha*e an esca%e fro. all this- and fortunatel& .& re%utation %ro*ides enough insulation fro. the outside /orld so 4 can indulge in this esca%e /ith i.%unit&. 6hat esca%e> 6h&- those eru%tions of rage &ou dread and fear. Ah- it feels so good to rage. 4t is the e@%ression of and the confir.ation of .& %o/er o*er &ou- .& a,solute su%eriorit&. '&ing feels good too- for the sa.e reason- ,ut nothing co.%ares to the %leasure of e@%loding for no .aterial reason and *enting .&

anger /ith total a,andon- all the ti.e a s%ectator at .& o/n sho/ and at &our hel%lessness- %ain- fear- frustration- and de%endence. 4n fact .& raging is %recisel& /hat allo/s .e to sta& /ith &ou. ?o ahead. Tell our friends a,out it. 5ee if the& can i.agine /hat it9s li+elet alone ,elie*e it. The .ore outrageous the things &ou sa& a,out .e- the .ore con*inced the& are that it is &ou /ho ha*e ta+en a turn for the /orse. And don9t e@%ect .uch .ore fro. &our thera%ist either. Gou .a& tell hi. this or that- ,ut /hat he sees /hen 4 *isit hi. is so.ething quite different. 5o /hat9s the thera%ist to ,elie*e> After all- it /as &ou /ho ca.e for hel%. NoH That9s /hat this is all a,out. NoH That si.%le t/o!letter /ord that- regardless of ho/ ,ad 4 a.- &ou si.%l& cannot sa&. 6ho +no/s> Gou .ight e*en acquire so.e of .& ,eha*iour &ourself. :ut &ou +no/ /hat> This .a& co.e as a shoc+- ,ut 4 can also ,e .& o/n /orst night.are. 4 can and 4 a.. Gou see- at heart .& life is nothing .ore than illusion!clad confusion. 4 ha*e no idea /h& 4 do /hat 4 do- nor do 4 care to find out. 4n fact- the .ere notion of as+ing the question is so re%ulsi*e to .e that 4 e.%lo& all of .& resources to re%el it. 4 reconstruct facts- fa,ricate illusions- act the. out- and thus create .& o/n realit&. 4t is a %recarious state of e@istence indeed- so 4 a. careful to include enough de.onstra,le truth in .& illusions to ensure their credi,ilit&. And 4 a. fore*er testing that credi,ilit& on &ou and on the reactions of others. 2ortunatel& .& real attri,utes and acco.%lish.ents are in sufficient a,undance to fuel .& illusions see.ingl& fore*er. And .odern societ&- ,lessed7cursed .odern societ&- *alues .ost /hat 4 do ,est and thus ser*es as .& acco.%lice. E*en 4 get lost in .& o/n illusions- s/e%t a/a& ,& .& o/n .agic. 5o- not to /orr& if &ou still do not recognise .e. 4 don9t recognise .e either. 4n fact- 4 a. not reall& sure /ho 4 a.. That9s %ro,a,l& a question &ou ne*er as+ of &ourself. Get 4 /onder a,out it all the ti.e. Perha%s 4 a. not too different fro. e*er&one else- (ust ,etter. After all- that9s the feed,ac+ 4 get. M& ad.irers certainl& /ish the& /ere .e. The& (ust don9t ha*e the gifts 4 ha*e- nor the courage 4 ha*e to e@%ress the.. That9s /hat the uni*erse is telling .e.

Then again THE uni*erse or MG uni*erse> As long as the .agic of .& illusions /or+s on .e too- there reall& is no need for distinction. All 4 need is an a,undant fan clu, to sta& on to% of it all. 5o 4 a. constantl& ta+ing fan clu, in*entor&- testing the lo&alt& of %resent .e.,ers /ith challenges of a,use- /riting off defectors /ith total indifference- and scouting the landsca%e for ne/ recruits. Do &ou see .& dile..a> 4 use %eo%le /ho are de%endent on .e to +ee% .& illusions ali*e. 5o reall& it is 4 /ho a. de%endent on the.. E*en the rage- that orgas.ic release of %ain and anger- /or+s ,etter /ith an audience. On so.e le*el 4 a. a/are of .& illusions,ut to ad.it that /ould s%oil the .agic. And that 4 couldn9t ,ear. 5o 4 %roclai. that /hat 4 do is of no consequence and no different fro. /hat others do- and thus 4 create an illusion a,out .& creating illusions. 5o- no- 4 don9t recognise .e an& ,etter than &ou do. 4 /ouldn9t dare. 'i+e .& fans- 4 .ar*el at .& o/n ,eing. Then again- so.eti.es 4 /ish that 4 /ere not the %erson 4 a.. Gou find that confusing> Ho/ do &ou thin+ it .a+es .e feel> 4 need .& o/n .agic to sta& afloat. 5o.eti.es others li+e .e recruit .e into their .agic. :ut that9s o+. As long as /e feed off of each other- /ho9s the /orse for /ear> 4t onl& confir.s .& illusion a,out .& illusions: that 4 a. no different fro. .ost other %eo%le- (ust a ,it ,etter. :ut 4 AM different and /e ,oth +no/ it- although neither one of us dares to ad.it it. Therein lies the root of .& hostilit&. 4 tear &ou do/n ,ecause in realit& 4 a. en*ious of &ou :ECA;5E 4 a. different. At so.e haunting le*el 4 see .& .agic for /hat it is and realise that %eo%le around .e function (ust fine 64THO;T an& I.agicI. This terrifies .e. Panic stric+en- 4 tr& all .& old tric+s: dis%la&s of .& talents- unnecessar& dece%tions- self!ser*ing distortions- s+ilful seductions- ludicrous %ro(ections- frightening rages- /hate*er. Nor.all&- that /or+s. :ut if it fails- /atch out. 'i+e a solar!%o/ered ,atter& in dar+ness- .& fire goes out and 4 cease to e@ist. Destitution sets in. That is the +e& to understanding .e. Most %eo%le stri*e for goals and feel good /hen the& a%%roach the.. The& .o*e to/ard so.ething %ositi*e. 4 .o*e in the sa.e direction ,ut .& .o*e.ent is

a/a& fro. so.ething negati*e. That9s /h& 4 ne*er sto%- a. ne*er content- no .atter /hat 4 achie*e. That negati*e thing see.s to follo/ .e around li+e a shado/. 4 do/se .&self in light and it fades,ut that9s all it does. E@hausted- 4 ulti.atel& succu., to it- again and again. 6here did it co.e fro.- this negati*it&> Pro,a,l& fro. ,efore 4 learned to tal+. 6hen &ou /ere e@%loring &our /orld for the first ti.e- /ith the usual little toddler .isha%s- &our .other +e%t a careful e&e on &ou- inter*ened /hen she sa/ &ou heading for danger- and co.forted &ou /hen &ou .ade a .ista+e- e*en if &ou cried. 6ell- that9s not ho/ it /as for .e. M& .other9s e@%ectations of .e /ere .uch higher. Mista+es /ere .ista+es and cr&ing /as not the /a& to get her a%%ro*al. That required ,eing %erfect- so that9s e@actl& /hat 4 ,eca.e. Not the little a/+/ard toddler that 4 /as- ,ut .& .other9s .odel child. Not the ,ra*e and curious little %erson that 4 reall& /as- ,ut the fearful %ersonification of .& .other9s ideal. 6hat &ou /ere e@%eriencing through &our little .isha%s and .ista+es /ere s.all doses of sha.e. 6hat &ou /ere learning fro. &our quic+ reco*eries /as sha.e re%air. At first &our .other did .ost of the re%airing. Through re%etition- &ou graduall& learned ho/ to do it ,& &ourself. 5ha.e re%air ,rain circuitr& /as ,eing laid do/n that /ould carr& &ou for the rest of &our life. 4 had no such luc+. 4 si.%l& did not acquire that s+ill /hen nature had intended .& ,rain to acquire it. No one en(o&s sha.e. :ut .ost %eo%le can deal /ith it. Not .e. 4 fear it the /a& .ost %eo%le fear sna+es. Ho/ .an& others li+e .e are there> More than &ou .ight thin+and our nu.,ers are increasing. Ta+e t/ent& %eo%le off the street and &ou /ill find one /hose .ind tic+s so .uch li+e .ine that &ou could consider us clones. 4.%ossi,le- &ou sa&. 4t is si.%l& not %ossi,le for that .an& %eo%le 0 highl& acco.%lished- res%ected- and *isi,le %eo%le 0 to ,e out there re%lacing realit& /ith illusions- each in the sa.e /a& and for reasons the& +no/ not. 4t is si.%l& not %ossi,le for so .an& sha.e!%ho,ic ro,ots of ha*oc and chaos- as 4 descri,e .&self- to function dail& .idst other educated- intelligent- and e@%erienced indi*iduals- and %ass for nor.al. 4t is si.%l& not %ossi,le for such an a,erration of hu.an cognition and ,eha*iour to infiltrate

and infect the %o%ulation in such nu.,ers- *irtuall& undetected ,& the radar of .ental health %rofessionals. 4t is si.%l& not %ossi,le for so .uch *isi,le %ositi*e to contain so .uch concealed negati*e. 4t is si.%l& not %ossi,le. :ut it is. That is the enlighten.ent of INarcissis. )e*isitedI ,& 5a. 8a+nin. 5a. is hi.self one such clone. 6hat distinguishes hi. is his uncharacteristic courage to confront- and his uncann& understanding of- that /hich .a+es us tic+- hi.self included. Not onl& does 5a. dare as+ and then ans/er the question /e clones a*oid li+e the %lague- he does so /ith relentless- laser!li+e %recision. )ead his ,oo+. Ta+e &our seat at the dou,le!headed .icrosco%e and let 5a. guide &ou through the dissection. 'i+e a ,rain surgeon o%erating on hi.self- 5a. e@%lores and e@%oses the alien a.ong us- ho%ing ,e&ond ho%e for a resecta,le tu.our ,ut finding instead each and e*er& cell tea.ing /ith the sa.e resistant *irus. The o%eration is long and tedious- and at ti.es frightening and hard to ,elie*e. )ead on. The %arts e@%osed are as the& are- des%ite /hat .a& see. h&%er,olic or farfetched. Their *alidit& .ight not hit ho.e until later- /hen cou%led /ith .e.ories of %ast e*ents and e@%eriences. 4 a.- as 4 said- .& o/n /orst night.are. True- the /orld is re%lete /ith .& contri,utions- and 4 a. lots of fun to ,e around. And true.ost contri,utions li+e .ine are not the result of trou,led souls. :ut .an& .ore than &ou .ight /ant to ,elie*e are. And if ,& chance &ou get caught in .& /e,- 4 can .a+e &our life a li*ing hell. :ut re.e.,er this. 4 a. in that /e, too. The difference ,et/een &ou and .e is that &ou can get out. 7en +eil,r'nn8 9:.: Seattle8 6as*ington8 ;S0 ks,r'nn<aol:(o= )eturn

IN#R".;!#I"N

#*e +a,it o> Identit-

Warning and Disclaimer


The contents of th s !oo" are not #eant to s$!st t$te for profess ona% he%p an& co$nse%% n'( The rea&ers are & sco$ra'e& fro# $s n' t for & a'nost c or therape$t c en&s( The & a'nos s an& treat#ent of the )arc ss st c *ersona% t+ , sor&er can on%+ !e &one !+ profess ona%s spec f ca%%+ tra ne& an& -$a% f e& to &o so . /h ch the a$thor s not( The a$thor s )0T a #enta% hea%th profess ona%1 tho$'h he s cert f e& n 2enta% 3ea%th Co$nse%% n' Techn -$es(

4n a fa.ous e@%eri.ent- students /ere as+ed to ta+e a le.on ho.e and to get used to it. Three da&s later- the& /ere a,le to single out ItheirI le.on fro. a %ile of rather si.ilar ones. The& see.ed to ha*e ,onded. 4s this the true .eaning of lo*e- ,onding- cou%ling> Do /e si.%l& get used to other hu.an ,eings- %ets- or o,(ects> Ha,it for.ing in hu.ans is refle@i*e. 6e change oursel*es and our en*iron.ent in order to attain .a@i.u. co.fort and /ell ,eing. 4t is the effort that goes into these ada%ti*e %rocesses that for.s a ha,it. The ha,it is intended to %re*ent us fro. constant e@%eri.enting and ris+ ta+ing. The greater our /ell ,eing- the ,etter /e function and the longer /e sur*i*e. Actuall&- /hen /e get used to so.ething or to so.eone 0 /e get used to oursel*es. 4n the o,(ect of the ha,it /e see a %art of our

histor&- all the ti.e and effort /e had %ut into it. 4t is an enca%sulated *ersion of our acts- intentions- e.otions and reactions. 4t is a .irror reflecting that %art in us /hich for.ed the ha,it in the first %lace. Hence- the feeling of co.fort: /e reall& feel co.forta,le /ith our o/n sel*es through the agenc& of our ha,itual o,(ects. :ecause of this- /e tend to confuse ha,its /ith identit&. 6hen as+ed 6HO the& are- .ost %eo%le resort to co..unicating their ha,its. The& descri,e their /or+- their lo*ed ones- their %ets- their ho,,ies- or their .aterial %ossessions. Get- surel&- all of these do not constitute identit&H )e.o*ing the. does not change it. The& are ha,its and the& .a+e %eo%le co.forta,le and rela@ed. :ut the& are not %art of one9s identit& in the truest- dee%est sense. 5till- it is this si.%le .echanis. of dece%tion that ,inds %eo%le together. A .other feels that her offs%ring are %art of her identit& ,ecause she is so used to the. that her /ell ,eing de%ends on their e@istence and a*aila,ilit&. Thus- an& threat to her children is %ercei*ed ,& her as a threat to her o/n 5elf. Her reaction is- therefore- strong and enduring and can ,e recurrentl& elicited. The truth- of course- is that her children A)E a %art of her identit& in a su%erficial .anner. )e.o*ing the. /ill .a+e her a different %erson- ,ut onl& in the shallo/- %heno.enological sense of the /ord. Her dee%!set- true identit& /ill not change as a result. Children do die at ti.es and the .other does go on li*ing- essentiall& unchanged. :ut /hat is this +ernel of identit& that 4 a. referring to> This i..uta,le entit& /hich is /ho /e are and /hat /e are and /hichostensi,l&- is not influenced ,& the death of our lo*ed ones> 6hat can resist the ,rea+do/n of ha,its that die hard> 4t is our %ersonalit&. This elusi*e- loosel& interconnectedinteracting- %attern of reactions to our changing en*iron.ent. 'i+e the :rain- it is difficult to define or to ca%ture. 'i+e the 5oul- .an& ,elie*e that it does not e@ist- that it is a fictitious con*ention. Get- /e +no/ that /e do ha*e a %ersonalit&. 6e feel it- /e e@%erience it. 4t so.eti.es encourages us to do things 0 at other ti.es- it %re*ents us fro. doing the.. 4t can ,e su%%le or rigid,enign or .alignant- o%en or closed. 4ts %o/er lies in its looseness. 4t is a,le to co.,ine- reco.,ine and %er.ute in hundreds of

unforeseea,le /a&s. 4t .eta.or%hoses and the constanc& of these changes is /hat gi*es us a sense of identit&. Actuall&- /hen the %ersonalit& is rigid to the %oint of ,eing una,le to change in reaction to shifting circu.stances 0 /e sa& that it is disordered. One has a %ersonalit& disorder /hen one9s ha,its su,stitute for one9s identit&. 5uch a %erson identifies hi.self /ith his en*iron.ent- ta+ing ,eha*ioural- e.otional- and cogniti*e cues e@clusi*el& fro. it. His inner /orld is- so to s%ea+- *acated- his True 5elf .erel& an a%%arition. 5uch a %erson is inca%a,le of lo*ing and of li*ing. He is inca%a,le of lo*ing ,ecause to lo*e another one .ust first lo*e oneself. And- in the a,sence of a 5elf that is i.%ossi,le. And- in the long!ter.- he is inca%a,le of li*ing ,ecause life is a struggle to/ards .ulti%le goals- a stri*ing- a dri*e at so.ething. 4n other /ords: life is change. He /ho cannot change- cannot li*e. Sa= ?aknin )eturn

Malignant Self Love


Narcissism Revisited
The Narcissistic Personality Disorder

0 Pri=er on Nar(issis=

6*at is Nar(issis=@ A %attern of traits and ,eha*iours /hich signif& infatuation and o,session /ith one9s self to the e@clusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless %ursuit of one9s gratification- do.inance and a.,ition. J Most narcissists <$#!E$K- according to the D5M!48!T)= are .en. J The )arc ss st c *ersona% t+ , sor&er 4)*,5 is one of a Ifa.il&I of %ersonalit& disorders <+no/n as ICluster :I=. Other .e.,ers of Cluster : are :orderline PD- Antisocial PD and Histrionic PD. J NPD is often diagnosed /ith other .ental health disorders <Ico! .or,idit&I= 0 or /ith su,stance a,use and i.%ulsi*e and rec+less ,eha*iours <Idual diagnosisI=. J NPD is ne/ <1 D#= .ental health categor& in the Diagnostic and 5tatistics Manual <D5M=. J There is onl& scant research regarding narcissis.. :ut /hat there is has not de.onstrated an& ethnic- social- cultural- econo.icgenetic- or %rofessional %redilection to NPD. J 4t is esti.ated that #.E!1K of the general %o%ulation suffer fro. NPD. J Pathological narcissis. /as first descri,ed in detail ,& 2reud. Other .a(or contri,utors are: Flein- Horne&- Fohut- Fern,ergMillon- )oningsta.- ?underson- Hare. J The onset of narcissis. is in infanc&- childhood and earl& adolescence. 4t is co..onl& attri,uted to childhood a,use and trau.a inflicted ,& %arents- authorit& figures- or e*en %eers.

J There is a /hole range of narcissistic reactions 0 fro. the .ildreacti*e and transient to the %er.anent %ersonalit& disorder. J Narcissistic 5u%%l& is outside attention 0 usuall& %ositi*e <adulation- affir.ation- fa.e- cele,rit&= 0 used ,& the narcissist to regulate his la,ile sense of self!/orth. J Narcissists are either Icere,ralI <deri*e their Narcissistic 5u%%l& fro. their intelligence or acade.ic achie*e.ents= or Iso.aticI <deri*e their Narcissistic 5u%%l& fro. their %h&sique- e@ercise%h&sical or se@ual %ro/ess and ro.antic or %h&sical IconquestsI=. J Narcissists are either IclassicI Lsee definition ,elo/M or the& are Ico.%ensator&I- or Iin*ertedI Lsee definitions here: IThe 4n*erted NarcissistIM. J The classic narcissist is self!confident- the co.%ensator& narcissist co*ers u% in his haught& ,eha*iour for a dee%!seated deficit in self!estee.- and the in*erted t&%e is a co!de%endent /ho caters to the e.otional needs of a classic narcissist. J NPD is treated in tal+ thera%& <%s&chod&na.ic or cogniti*e! ,eha*ioural=. The %rognosis for an adult narcissist is %oor- though his ada%tation to life and to others can i.%ro*e /ith treat.ent. Medication is a%%lied to side!effects and ,eha*iours <such as .ood or affect disorders and o,session!co.%ulsion= 0 usuall& /ith so.e success. The 4CD!1#- the 4nternational Classification of Mental and :eha*ioural Disorders- %u,lished ,& the 6orld Health Organisation in ?ene*a L1 "M regards Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder <NPD= as 6a persona% t+ & sor&er that f ts none of the spec f c r$!r cs6. 4t relegates it to the categor& IOther 5%ecific Personalit& DisordersI together /ith the eccentric- IhaltloseI- i..ature- %assi*e!aggressi*e- and %s&choneurotic %ersonalit& disorders and t&%es. The A.erican Ps&chiatric Association- ,ased in 6ashington D.C.;5A- %u,lishes the Diagnostic and 5tatistical Manual of Mental Disorders- fourth edition- Te@t )e*ision <D5M!48!T)= L"###M /here it %ro*ides the diagnostic criteria for the Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder. The D5M defines NPD as 6an a%%7per8as 8e pattern of 'ran& os t+ 4 n fantas+ or !eha8 o$r51 nee& for a&# rat on or a&$%at on an& %ac" of

e#path+1 $s$a%%+ !e' nn n' !+ ear%+ a&$%thoo& an& present n 8ar o$s conte9ts(6 The D5M s%ecifies nine diagnostic criteria. 2or NPD to ,e diagnosed- fi*e <or .ore= of these criteria .ust ,e .et. L4n the te@t ,elo/- 4 ha*e %ro%osed .odifications to the language of these criteria to incor%orate current +no/ledge a,out this disorder. M& .odifications a%%ear in ta% cs.M LM& a.end.ents do not constitute a %art of the te@t of the D5M! 48!T)- nor is the A.erican Ps&chiatric Association <APA= associated /ith the. in an& /a&.M LClic+ here to do/nload a ,i,liogra%h& of the studies and research regarding the Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder <NPD= on /hich 4 ,ased .& %ro%osed re*isions.M Pro3osed 0=ended !riteria >or t*e Nar(issisti( Personalit- .isorder J 2eels grandiose and self!i.%ortant <e.g.- e@aggerates acco.%lish.ents- talents- s" %%s- contacts- an& persona% t+ tra ts to the po nt of %+ n'- &e#an&s to ,e recognised as su%erior /ithout co..ensurate achie*e.ents=N J 4s o!sesse& /ith fantasies of unli.ited success- fa#e- fearso#e %o/er or o#n potence- $ne-$a%%e& ,rilliance <the cere!ra% narc ss st=- !o& %+ ,eaut& or se9$a% perfor#ance <the so#at c narc ss st=- or ideal- e8er%ast n'- a%%7con-$er n' lo*e or pass onN J 2ir.l& con*inced that he or she is unique and- ,eing s%ecial- can onl& ,e understood ,&- sho$%& on%+ !e treate& !+- or associate /ith- other s%ecial or unique- or high!status %eo%le <or institutions=N J )equires e@cessi*e ad.iration- a&$%at on- attent on an& aff r#at on 0 or1 fa % n' that1 / shes to !e feare& an& to !e notor o$s <)arc ss st c :$pp%+=N J 2eels entitled. ,e#an&s a$to#at c an& f$%% co#p% ance /ith his or her unreasona,le e@%ectations for s%ecial and fa8o$ra!%e pr or t+ treat.entN J 4s Iinter%ersonall& e@%loitati*eI- i.e.- $ses others to achie*e his or her o/n endsN

J ,e8o & of e.%ath&. 4s $na!%e or un/illing to identif& /ithac"no/%e&'e- or accept the feelings- needs- preferences- pr or t esan& cho ces of othersN J Constantl& en*ious of others an& see"s to h$rt or &estro+ the o!;ects of h s or her fr$strat on. :$ffers fro# persec$tor+ 4parano &5 &e%$s ons as he or she ,elie*es that the& feel the sa.e a,out hi. or her an& are % "e%+ to act s # %ar%+N J :eha*es arrogantl& and haughtil&. Fee%s s$per or1 o#n potent1 o#n sc ent1 n8 nc !%e1 ##$ne1 6a!o8e the %a/61 an& o#n present 4#a' ca% th n" n'5( <a'es /hen fr$strate&1 contra& cte&1 or confronte& ,& %eo%le he or she considers inferior to hi. or her and un/orth&. )eturn

Bi,liogra3*-

1. Alford- C. 2red. Narcissis.: 5ocrates- the 2ran+furt 5chool and Ps&choanal&tic Theor&. Ne/ Ha*en and 'ondon- Gale ;ni*ersit& Press- 1 DD ". De*ereu@- ?eorge. :asic Pro,le.s of Ethno!Ps&chiatr&. ;ni*ersit& of Chicago Press- 1 D# O. 2air,airn- 6. ). D. An O,(ect )elations Theor& of the Personalit&. Ne/ Gor+- :asic :oo+s- 1 $P P. 2reud 5. Three Essa&s on the Theor& of 5e@ualit& L1 #$M. 5tandard Edition of the Co.%lete Ps&chological 6or+s of 5ig.und 2reud. 8ol. E. 'ondon- Hogarth Press- 1 QP $. 2reud- 5. On Narcissis.. 5tandard Ed. 8ol. 1P- %%. EO!1#E Q. ?old.an- Ho/ard H. <Ed.=. )e*ie/ of ?eneral Ps&chiatr&. Pth Ed. 'ondon- Prentice Hall 4nternational- 1 $ E. ?olo.,- Elan. Tra%%ed in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their 5truggle for 5elf. Buill- 1 $ D. ?reen,erg- 3a& ). and Mitchell- 5te%hen A. O,(ect )elations in Ps&choanal&tic Theor&. Ca.,ridge- Mass.- Har*ard ;ni*ersit& Press1 DO . ?run,erger- :ela. Narcissis.: Ps&choanal&tic Essa&s. Ne/ Gor+4nternational ;ni*ersities Press- 1 E 1#. ?untri%- Harr&. Personalit& 5tructure and Hu.an 4nteraction. Ne/ Gor+- 4nternational ;ni*ersities Press- 1 Q1 11. Horo/itA M. 3. 5liding Meanings: A Defence against Threat in Narcissistic Personalities. 4nternational 3ournal of Ps&choanal&tic Ps&chothera%&- 1 E$N P:1QE

1". Horo*itA M. 3. 5tress )es%onse 5&ndro.es: PT5D- ?rief and Ad(ust.ent Disorders. Ord Ed. Ne/ Gor+- NG ;ni*ersit& Press- 1 D 1O. 3aco,son- Edith. The 5elf and the O,(ect 6orld. Ne/ Gor+4nternational ;ni*ersities Press- 1 QP 1P. 3ung- C.?. Collected 6or+s. ?. Adler- M. 2ordha. and H. )ead <Eds.=. "1 *olu.es. Princeton ;ni*ersit& Press- 1 Q#!1 DO 1$. Fern,erg O. :orderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissis.. Ne/ Gor+- 3ason Aronson- 1 E$ 1Q. Flein- Melanie. The 6ritings of Melanie Flein. )oger Mone&!F&rle <Ed.=. P 8ols. Ne/ Gor+- 2ree Press- 1 QP!E$ 1E. Fohut H. The Chicago 4nstitute 'ectures 1 E"!1 EQ. Marian and Paul Tol%in <Eds.=. Anal&tic Press- 1 D 1D. Fohut M. The Anal&sis of the 5elf. Ne/ Gor+- 4nternational ;ni*ersities Press- 1 E1 1 . 'asch- Christo%her. The Culture of Narcissis.. Ne/ Gor+- 6arner :oo+s- 1 E "#. 'e*ine- 3. D.- and 6eiss- )ona H. The D&na.ics and Treat.ent of Alcoholis.. 3ason Aronson- 1 P "1. 'o/en- Ale@ander. Narcissis.: Denial of the True 5elf. Touchstone :oo+s- 1 E "". Millon- Theodore <and )oger D. Da*is- contri,utor=. Disorders of Personalit&: D5M!48 and :e&ond. "nd ed. Ne/ Gor+- 3ohn 6ile& and 5ons- 1 $ "O. Millon- Theodore. Personalit& Disorders in Modern 'ife. Ne/ Gor+3ohn 6ile& and 5ons- "### "P. )iso- Don )ichard. Personalit& T&%es: ;sing the Enneagra. for 5elf!Disco*er&. :oston: Houghton Mifflin 1 DE "$. )oningsta.- Elsa 2. <Ed.=. Disorders of Narcissis.: DiagnosticClinical- and E.%irical 4.%lications. A.erican Ps&chiatric Press1 D "Q. )othstein- Arnold. The Narcissistic Pursuit of )eflection. "nd re*ised Ed. Ne/ Gor+- 4nternational ;ni*ersities Press- 1 DP "E. 5ch/artA- 'ester. Narcissistic Personalit& Disorders 0 A Clinical Discussion. 3ournal of A.erican Ps&choanal&tic Association 0 "" L1 EPM: " "!O#$

"D. 5alant!5ch/artANathan. Narcissis. and Character Transfor.ation. 4nner Cit& :oo+s- 1 D$ 0 %%. #! 1 " . 5tern- Daniel. The 4nter%ersonal 6orld of the 4nfant: A 8ie/ fro. Ps&choanal&sis and De*elo%.ental Ps&cholog&. Ne/ Gor+- :asic :oo+s- 1 D$ O#. 8a+nin- 5a.. Malignant 5elf 'o*e 0 Narcissis. )e*isited. 5+o%(e and Prague- Narcissus Pu,lications- "##O O1. R/eig- Paul. The Heres& of 5elf 'o*e: A 5tud& of 5u,*ersi*e 4ndi*idualis.. Ne/ Gor+- :asic :oo+s- 1 QD )eturn

Malignant Self Love


Narcissism Revisited
Overview

#*is se(tion (ontains 3ro>essional ter=s: %or treat=ent o> s3e(i>i( iss'es go to t*e %re/'entl- 0sked 1'estions:

CHAPTE) 4

#*e So'l o> a Nar(issist #*e State o> t*e 0rt

6e all lo*e oursel*es. That see.s to ,e such an instincti*el& true state.ent that /e do not ,other to e@a.ine it .ore thoroughl&. 4n our dail& affairs 0 in lo*e- in ,usiness- in other areas of life 0 /e act on this %re.ise. Get- u%on closer ins%ection- it loo+s sha+ier. 5o.e %eo%le e@%licitl& state that the& do not lo*e the.sel*es at all <the& are ego!d&stonic=. Others confine their lac+ of self!lo*e to certain of their traits- to their %ersonal histor&- or to so.e of their ,eha*iour %atterns. Get others feel content /ith /ho the& are and /ith /hat the& are doing <ego!s&ntonic=. :ut one grou% of %eo%le see.s distinct in its .ental constitution 0 narcissists. According to the legend of Narcissus- this ?ree+ ,o& fell in lo*e /ith his o/n reflection in a %ond. 4n a /a&- this a.%l& su.s u% the nature of his na.esa+es: narcissists. The .&thological Narcissus re(ected the ad*ances of the n&.%h Echo and /as %unished ,& Ne.esis. Consigned to %ine a/a& as he fell in lo*e /ith his o/n reflection 0 e@actl& as Echo had %ined a/a& for hi.. Ho/ a%t. Narcissists are %unished ,& echoes and reflections of their %ro,le.atic %ersonalities u% to this *er& da&. Narcissists are said to ,e in lo*e /ith the.sel*es.

:ut this is a fallac&. Narcissus is not in lo*e /ith H4M5E'2. He is in lo*e /ith his )E2'ECT4ON. There is a .a(or difference ,et/een one9s True 5elf and reflected! self. 'o*ing &our True 5elf is health&- ada%ti*e- and functional. 'o*ing a reflection has t/o .a(or dra/,ac+s: 1. One de%ends on the e@istence and a*aila,ilit& of the reflection to %roduce the e.otion of self!lo*e. ". The a,sence of a Ico.%assI- an Io,(ecti*e and realistic &ardstic+I- ,& /hich to (udge the authenticit& of the reflection. 4n other /ords- it is i.%ossi,le to tell /hether the reflection is true to realit& 0 and- if so- to /hat e@tent. The %o%ular .isconce%tion is that narcissists lo*e the.sel*es. 4n realit&- the& direct their lo*e to other %eo%le9s i.%ressions of the.. He /ho lo*es onl& i.%ressions is inca%a,le of lo*ing %eo%le- hi.self included. :ut the narcissist does %ossess the in!,red desire to lo*e and to ,e lo*ed. 4f he cannot lo*e hi.self 0 he .ust lo*e his reflection. :ut to lo*e his reflection 0 it .ust ,e lo*ea,le. Thus- dri*en ,& the insatia,le urge to lo*e </hich /e all %ossess=- the narcissist is %reoccu%ied /ith %ro(ecting a lo*ea,le i.age- al,eit co.%ati,le /ith his self!i.age <the /a& he IseesI hi.self=. The narcissist .aintains this %ro(ected i.age and in*ests resources and energ& in it- so.eti.es de%leting hi. to the %oint of rendering hi. *ulnera,le to e@ternal threats. :ut the .ost i.%ortant characteristic of the narcissist9s %ro(ected i.age is its lo*a,ilit&. To a narcissist- lo*e is interchangea,le /ith other e.otions- such as a/e- res%ect- ad.iration- attention- or e*en ,eing feared <collecti*el& +no/n as Narcissistic 5u%%l&=. Thus- to hi.- a %ro(ected i.age- /hich %ro*o+es these reactions in others- is ,oth Ilo*ea,le and lo*edI. 4t also feels li+e self!lo*e. The .ore successful this %ro(ected i.age <or series of successi*e i.ages= is in generating Narcissistic 5u%%l& <N5= 0 the .ore the narcissist ,eco.es di*orced fro. his True 5elf and .arried to the i.age.

4 a. not sa&ing that the narcissist does not ha*e a central nucleus of a IselfI. All 4 a. sa&ing is that he %refers his i.age 0 /ith /hich he identifies unreser*edl& 0 to his True 5elf. The True 5elf ,eco.es serf to the 4.age. The narcissist- therefore- is not selfish 0 ,ecause his True 5elf is %aral&sed and su,ordinate. The narcissist is not attuned e@clusi*el& to his needs. On the contrar&: he ignores the. ,ecause .an& of the. conflict /ith his ostensi,le o.ni%otence and o.niscience. He does not %ut hi.self first 0 he %uts his self last. He caters to the needs and /ishes of e*er&one around hi. 0 ,ecause he cra*es their lo*e and ad.iration. 4t is through their reactions that he acquires a sense of distinct self. 4n .an& /a&s he annuls hi.self 0 onl& to re!in*ent hi.self through the loo+ of others. He is the %erson .ost insensiti*e to his true needs. The narcissist drains hi.self of .ental energ& in this %rocess. This is /h& he has none left to dedicate to others. This fact- as /ell as his ina,ilit& to lo*e hu.an ,eings in their .an& di.ensions and facetsulti.atel& transfor. hi. into a recluse. His soul is fortified and in the solace of this fortification he guards its territor& (ealousl& and fiercel&. He %rotects /hat he %ercei*es to constitute his inde%endence. 6h& should %eo%le indulge the narcissist> And /hat is the Ie*olutionar&I- sur*i*al *alue of %referring one +ind of lo*e <directed at an i.age= to another <directed at one9s self=> These questions tor.ent the narcissist. His con*oluted .ind co.es u% /ith the .ost ela,orate contra%tions in lieu of ans/ers. 6h& should %eo%le indulge the narcissist- di*ert ti.e and energ&gi*e hi. attention- lo*e and adulation> The narcissist9s ans/er is si.%le: ,ecause he is entitled to it. He feels that he deser*es /hate*er he succeeds to e@tract fro. others and .uch .ore. Actuall&- he feels ,etra&ed- discri.inated against and under%ri*ileged ,ecause he ,elie*es that he is not ,eing treated fairl&- that he should get .ore than he does. There is a discre%anc& ,et/een his infinite certaint& that his is a s%ecial status /hich renders hi. /orth& of recurrent %raise and adoration- re%lete /ith s%ecial ,enefits and %rerogati*es 0 and the actual state of his affairs. To the narcissist- this status of uniqueness is

,esto/ed u%on hi. not ,& *irtue of his achie*e.ents- ,ut .erel& ,ecause he e@ists. The narcissist9s dee.s his .ere e@istence as sufficientl& unique to /arrant the +ind of treat.ent that he e@%ects to get fro. the /orld. Herein lies a %arado@- /hich haunts the narcissist: he deri*es his sense of uniqueness fro. the *er& fact that he e@ists and he deri*es his sense of e@istence fro. his ,elief that he is unique. Clinical data sho/ that there is rarel& an& realistic ,asis for these grandiose notions of greatness and uniqueness. 5o.e narcissists are high achie*ers /ith %ro*en trac+ records. 5o.e of the. are %illars of their co..unities. Mostl&- the& are d&na.ic and successful. 5till- the& are ridiculousl& %o.%ous and inflated %ersonalities- ,ordering on the farcical and %ro*o+ing resent.ent. The narcissist is forced to use other %eo%le in order to feel that he e@ists. 4t is trough their e&es and through their ,eha*iour that he o,tains %roof of his uniqueness and grandeur. He is a ha,itual I%eo%le!(un+ieI. 6ith ti.e- he co.es to regard those around hi. as .ere instru.ents of gratification- as t/o!di.ensional cartoon figures /ith negligi,le lines in the scri%t of his .agnificent life. He ,eco.es unscru%ulous- ne*er ,othered ,& the constant e@%loitation of his .ilieu- indifferent to the consequences of his actions- the da.age and the %ain that he inflicts on others and e*en the social conde.nation and sanctions that he often has to endure. 6hen a %erson %ersists in a d&sfunctional- .alada%ti*e or %lain useless ,eha*iour des%ite gra*e re%ercussions to hi.self and to others- /e sa& that his acts are co.%ulsi*e. The narcissist is co.%ulsi*e in his %ursuit of Narcissistic 5u%%l&. This lin+age ,et/een narcissis. and o,sessi*e!co.%ulsi*e disorders sheds light on the .echanis.s of the narcissistic %s&che. The narcissist does not suffer fro. a fault& sense of causation. He is not o,li*ious to the li+el& outco.es of his actions and to the %rice he .a& ha*e to %a&. :ut he doesn9t care. A %ersonalit& /hose *er& e@istence is a deri*ati*e of its reflection in other %eo%le9s .inds is %erilousl& de%endent on these %eo%le9s %erce%tions. The& are the 5ource of Narcissistic 5u%%l& <N55=.

Criticis. and disa%%ro*al are inter%reted as a sadistic /ithholding of said su%%l& and as a direct threat to the narcissist9s .ental house of cards. The narcissist li*es in a /orld of all or nothing- of a constant Ito ,e or not ,eI. E*er& discussion that he holds- e*er& glance of e*er& %asser!,& reaffir.s his e@istence or casts it in dou,t. This is /h& the reactions of the narcissist see. so dis%ro%ortionate: he reacts to /hat he %ercei*es to ,e a danger to the *er& cohesion of his self. Thuse*er& .inor disagree.ent /ith a 5ource of Narcissistic 5u%%l& 0 another %erson 0 is inter%reted as a threat to the narcissist9s *er& self! /orth. This is such a crucial .atter- that the narcissist cannot ta+e chances. He /ould rather ,e .ista+en then re.ain /ithout Narcissistic 5u%%l&. He /ould rather discern disa%%ro*al and un(ustified criticis. /here there are none then face the consequences of ,eing caught off! guard. The narcissist has to condition his hu.an en*iron.ent to refrain fro. e@%ressing criticis. and disa%%ro*al of hi. or of his actions and decisions. He has to teach %eo%le around hi. that these %ro*o+e hi. into frightful fits of te.%er and rage attac+s and turn hi. into a constantl& cantan+erous and irasci,le %erson. His e@aggerated reactions constitute a %unish.ent for their inconsiderateness and their ignorance of his true %s&chological state. The narcissist ,la.es others for his ,eha*iour- accuses the. of %ro*o+ing hi. into his te.%er tantru.s and ,elie*es fir.l& that Ithe&I should ,e %unished for their I.is,eha*iourI. A%ologies 0 unless acco.%anied ,& *er,al or other hu.iliation 0 are not enough. The fuel of the narcissist9s rage is s%ent .ainl& on *itriolic *er,al send!offs directed at the <often i.aginar&= %er%etrator of the <oft innocuous= offence. The narcissist 0 /ittingl& or not 0 utilises %eo%le to ,uttress his self! i.age and to regulate his sense of self!/orth. As long and in as .uch as the& are instru.ental in achie*ing these goals- he holds the. in high regard- the& are *alua,le to hi.. He sees the. onl& through this lens. This is a result of his ina,ilit& to lo*e others: he lac+s e.%ath&he thin+s utilit&- and- thus- he reduces others to .ere instru.ents.

4f the& cease to IfunctionI- if- no .atter ho/ inad*ertentl&- the& cause hi. to dou,t his illusor&- half!,a+ed- self!estee. 0 the& are su,(ected to a reign of terror. The narcissist then %roceeds to hurt these Iinsu,ordinatesI. He ,elittles and hu.iliates the.. He dis%la&s aggression and *iolence in .&riad for.s. His ,eha*iour .eta.or%hoses- +aleidosco%icall&- fro. o*er!*aluing <idealising= the useful %erson 0 to a se*ere de*aluation of sa.e. The narcissist a,hors- al.ost %h&siologicall&- %eo%le (udged ,& hi. to ,e IuselessI. These ra%id alterations ,et/een a,solute o*er*aluation <idealisation= to co.%lete de*aluation .a+e long!ter. inter%ersonal relationshi%s /ith the narcissist all ,ut i.%ossi,le. The .ore %athological for. of narcissis. 0 the Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder <NPD= 0 /as defined in successi*e *ersions of the A.erican D5M <Diagnostic and 5tatistical Manual %u,lished ,& the A.erican Ps&chiatric Association= and the international 4CD <Classification of Mental and :eha*ioural Disorders- %u,lished ,& the 6orld Health Organisation=. 4t is useful to scrutinise these geological la&ers of clinical o,ser*ations and their inter%retation. 4n 1 EE the D5M!444 criteria included: J An inflated *aluation of oneself <e@aggeration of talents and achie*e.ents- de.onstration of %resu.%tuous self!confidence=N J 4nter%ersonal e@%loitation <uses others to satisf& his needs and desires- e@%ects %referential treat.ent /ithout underta+ing .utual co..it.ents=N J Possesses e@%ansi*e i.agination <e@ternalises i..ature and non! regi.ented fantasies- I%re*aricates to redee. self!illusionsI=N J Dis%la&s su%ercilious i.%ertur,a,ilit& <e@ce%t /hen the narcissistic confidence is sha+en=- nonchalant- uni.%ressed and cold!,loodedN J Defecti*e social conscience <re,els against the con*entions of co..on social e@istence- does not *alue %ersonal integrit& and the rights of other %eo%le=. Co.%are the 1 EE *ersion /ith the one ado%ted 1# &ears later <in the D5M!444!)= and e@%anded u%on in 1 P <in the D5M!48= and in "### <the D5M!48!T)= 0 clic+ here to read the latest diagnostic criteria.

The narcissist is %ortra&ed as a .onster- a ruthless and e@%loitati*e %erson. Get- inside- the narcissist suffers fro. a chronic lac+ of confidence and is funda.entall& dissatisfied. This a%%lies to all narcissists. The distinction ,et/een Ico.%ensator&I and IclassicI narcissists is s%urious. All narcissists are /al+ing scar tissue- the outco.es of *arious for.s of a,use. On the outside- the narcissist .a& a%%ear to ,e la,ile and unsta,le. :ut- this does not ca%ture the ,arren landsca%e of .iser& and fears that is his soul. His ,raAen and rec+less ,eha*iour co*ers u% for a de%ressi*e- an@ious interior. Ho/ can such contrasts coe@ist> 2reud <1 1$= offered a trilateral .odel of the hu.an %s&checo.%osed of the 4d- the Ego- and the 5u%erego. According to 2reud- narcissists are do.inated ,& their Ego to such an e@tent that the 4d and 5u%erego are neutralised. Earl& in his career2reud ,elie*ed narcissis. to ,e a nor.al de*elo%.ental %hase ,et/een autoeroticis. and o,(ect!lo*e. 'ater on- he concluded that linear de*elo%.ent can ,e th/arted ,& the *er& efforts /e all .a+e in our infanc& to e*ol*e the ca%acit& to lo*e an o,(ect <another %erson=. 5o.e of us- thus 2reud- fail to gro/ ,e&ond the %hase of self!lo*e in the de*elo%.ent of our li,ido. Others refer to the.sel*es and %refer the.sel*es as o,(ects of lo*e. This choice 0 to concentrate on the self 0 is the result of an unconscious decision to gi*e u% a consistentl& frustrating and unre/arding effort to lo*e others and to trust the.. The frustrated and a,used child learns that the onl& Io,(ectI he can trust and that is al/a&s and relia,l& a*aila,le- the onl& %erson he can lo*e /ithout ,eing a,andoned or hurt 0 is hi.self. 5o- is %athological narcissis. the outco.e of *er,al- se@ual%h&sical- or %s&chological a,use <the o*er/hel.ing *ie/= 0 or- on the contrar&- the sad result of s%oiling the child and idolising it <Millonthe late 2reud=> This de,ate is easier to resol*e if one agrees to ado%t a .ore co.%rehensi*e definition of Ia,useI. O*er/eening- s.othering-

s%oiling- o*er*aluing- and idolising the child 0 are also for.s of %arental a,use. This is ,ecause- as Horne& %ointed out- the s.othered and s%oiled child is dehu.anised and instru.entalised. His %arents lo*e hi. not for /hat he reall& is 0 ,ut for /hat the& /ish and i.agine hi. to ,e: the fulfil.ent of their drea.s and frustrated /ishes. The child ,eco.es the *essel of his %arents9 discontented li*es- a tool- the .agic air,rush /ith /hich the& see+ to transfor. their failures into successes- their hu.iliation into *ictor&- their frustrations into ha%%iness. The child is taught to gi*e u% on realit& and ado%t the %arental fantasies. 5uch an unfortunate child feels o.ni%otent and o.niscient%erfect and ,rilliant- /orth& of adoration and entitled to s%ecial treat.ent. The faculties that are honed ,& constantl& ,rushing against ,ruising realit& 0 e.%ath&- co.%assion- a realistic assess.ent of one9s a,ilities and li.itations- realistic e@%ectations of oneself and of others- %ersonal ,oundaries- tea. /or+- social s+ills- %erse*erance and goal!orientation- not to .ention the a,ilit& to %ost%one gratification and to /or+ hard to achie*e it 0 are all lac+ing or .issing altogether. This +ind of child turned adult sees no reason to in*est resources in his s+ills and education- con*inced that his inherent genius should suffice. He feels entitled for .erel& ,eing- rather than for actuall& doing <rather as the no,ilit& in da&s gone ,& felt entitled not ,& *irtue of its .erits ,ut as the ine*ita,le- foreordained outco.e of its ,irth right=. The narcissist is not .eritocratic 0 ,ut aristocratic. 5uch a .ental structure is ,rittle- susce%ti,le to criticis. and disagree.ent- *ulnera,le to the incessant encounter /ith a harsh and intolerant /orld. Dee% inside- narcissists of ,oth +inds <those /rought ,& IclassicI a,use and those &ielded ,& ,eing idolised= 0 feel inadequate- %hone&- fa+e- inferior- and deser*ing of %unish.ent. This is Millon9s .ista+e. He .a+es a distinction ,et/een se*eral t&%es of narcissists. He /rongl& assu.es that the IclassicI narcissist is the outco.e of %arental o*er*aluation- idolisation- and s%oiling andthus- is %ossessed of su%re.e- unchallenged- self!confidence- and is de*oid of all self!dou,t.

According to Millon- it is the Ico.%ensator&I narcissist that falls %re& to nagging self!dou,ts- feelings of inferiorit&- and a .asochistic desire for self!%unish.ent. Get- this distinction is ,oth /rong and unnecessar&. Ps&chod&na.icall&- there is onl& one t&%e of %athological narcissis. 0 though there are t/o de*elo%.ental %aths to it. And all narcissists are ,esieged ,& dee%l& ingrained <though at ti.es not conscious= feelings of inadequac&- fears of failure- .asochistic desires to ,e %enalised- a fluctuating sense of self!/orth <regulated ,& N5=- and an o*er/hel.ing sensation of fa+eness. 4n the earl& childhoods of all narcissists- .eaningful others are inconsistent in their acce%tance. The& %a& attention to the narcissist onl& /hen the& /ish to satisf& their needs. The& tend to ignore hi. 0 or acti*el& a,use hi. 0 /hen these needs are no longer %ressing or e@istent. The narcissist9s %ast of a,use teaches hi. to a*oid dee%er relationshi%s in order to esca%e this %ainful a%%roach!a*oidance %endulu.. Protecting hi.self fro. hurt and fro. a,andon.ent- he insulates hi.self fro. %eo%le around hi.. He digs in 0 rather than s%ring out. As children go through this %hase of dis,elief. 6e all %ut %eo%le around us <the afore.entioned o,(ects= to recurrent tests. This is the I%ri.ar& narcissistic stageI. A %ositi*e relationshi% /ith one9s %arents or caregi*ers <Pri.ar& O,(ects= secures the s.ooth transition to Io,(ect lo*eI. The child forgoes his narcissis.. ?i*ing u% one9s narcissis. is tough. Narcissis. is alluring- soothing/ar. and de%enda,le. 4t is al/a&s %resent and o.ni%resent. 4t is custo. tailored to the needs of the indi*idual. To lo*e oneself is to ha*e the %erfect lo*er. ?ood reasons and strong forces 0 collecti*el& +no/n as I%arental lo*eI 0 are required to .oti*ate the child to gi*e its narcissis. u%. The child %rogresses ,e&ond its %ri.ar& narcissis. in order to ,e a,le to lo*e his %arents. 4f the& are narcissists- the& su,(ect hi. to idealisation <o*er!*aluation= and de*aluation c&cles. The& do not relia,l& satisf& the child9s needs. 4n other /ords- the& frustrate hi..

He graduall& realises that he is no .ore than a to&- an instru.ent- a .eans to an end 0 his %arents9 gratification. This shoc+ing re*elation defor.s the ,udding Ego. The child for.s a strong de%endence <as o%%osed to attach.ent= on his %arents. This de%endence is reall& the outco.e of fear- the .irror i.age of aggression. 4n 2reud!s%ea+ <%s&choanal&sis= /e sa& that the child is li+el& to de*elo% accentuated oral fi@ations and regressions. 4n %lain ter.s- /e are li+el& to see a lost- %ho,ic- hel%less- raging child. :ut a child is still a child and his relationshi% /ith his %arents is of ulti.ate i.%ortance to hi.. He- therefore- resists his natural reactions to his a,usi*e caregi*ersand tries to defuse his li,idinal and aggressi*e sensations and e.otions. This /a&- he ho%es to reha,ilitate the da.aged relationshi% /ith his %arents </hich ne*er reall& e@isted=. Hence the %ri.ordial confa,ulation- the .other of all future narcissistic fantasies. 4n his e.,attled .ind- the child transfor.s the 5u%erego into an idealisedsadistic %arent!child. His Ego- in turn- ,eco.es a hated- de*alued child!%arent. The fa.il& is the .ains%ring of su%%ort of e*er& +ind. 4t .o,ilises %s&chological resources and alle*iates e.otional ,urdens. 4t allo/s for the sharing of tas+s- %ro*ides .aterial su%%lies cou%led /ith cogniti*e training. 4t is the %ri.e socialisation agent and encourages the a,sor%tion of infor.ation- .ost of it useful and ada%ti*e. This di*ision of la,our ,et/een %arents and children is *ital ,oth to %ersonal gro/th and to %ro%er ada%tation. The child .ust feel- as he does in a functional fa.il&- that he can share his e@%eriences /ithout ,eing defensi*e and that the feed,ac+ that he is getting is o%en and un,iased. The onl& I,iasI acce%ta,le <often ,ecause it is consonant /ith feed,ac+ fro. the outside= is the fa.il&9s set of ,eliefs- *alues and goals that are finall& internalised ,& the child ,& /a& of i.itation and unconscious identification. 5o- the fa.il& is the first and the .ost i.%ortant source of identit& and e.otional su%%ort. 4t is a greenhouse- /here the child feels lo*ed- cared for- acce%ted- and secure 0 the %rerequisites for the de*elo%.ent of %ersonal resources. On the .aterial le*el- the fa.il&

should %ro*ide the ,asic necessities <and- %refera,l&- ,e&ond=%h&sical care and %rotection- and refuge and shelter during crises. The role of the .other <the Pri.ar& O,(ect= has ,een often discussed. The father9s %art is .ostl& neglected- e*en in %rofessional literature. Ho/e*er- recent research de.onstrates his i.%ortance to the orderl& and health& de*elo%.ent of the child. The father %artici%ates in the da&!to!da& care- is an intellectual catal&st- /ho encourages the child to de*elo% his interests and to satisf& his curiosit& through the .ani%ulation of *arious instru.ents and ga.es. He is a source of authorit& and disci%line- a ,oundar& setter- enforcing and encouraging %ositi*e ,eha*iours and eli.inating negati*e ones. The father also %ro*ides e.otional su%%ort and econo.ic securit&thus sta,ilising the fa.il& unit. 2inall&- he is the %ri.e source of .asculine orientation and identification to the .ale child 0 and gi*es /ar.th and lo*e as a .ale to his daughter- /ithout e@ceeding the sociall& %er.issi,le li.its. 6e can safel& sa& that the narcissist9s fa.il& is as se*erel& disordered as he is. Pathological narcissis. is largel& a reflection of this d&sfunction. 5uch an en*iron.ent ,reeds self!dece%tion. The narcissist9s internal dialogue is I4 do ha*e a relationshi% /ith .& %arents. 4t is .& fault 0 the fault of .& e.otions- sensationsaggressions and %assions 0 that this relationshi% is not /or+ing. 4t istherefore- .& res%onsi,ilit& to .a+e a.ends. 4 /ill construct a narrati*e in /hich 4 a. ,oth lo*ed and %unished. 4n this scri%t- 4 /ill allocate roles to .&self and to .& %arents. This /a&- e*er&thing /ill ,e fine and /e /ill all ,e ha%%&.I Thus starts the c&cle of o*er!*aluation <idealisation= and de*aluation. The dual roles of sadist and %unished .asochist <5u%erego and Ego=- %arent and child- %er.eate all the narcissist9s interactions /ith other %eo%le. The narcissist e@%eriences a re*ersal of roles as his relationshi%s %rogress. At the ,eginning of a relationshi% he is the child in need of attention- a%%ro*al and ad.iration. He ,eco.es de%endent. Then- at the first sign of disa%%ro*al <real or i.aginar&=- he is transfor.ed into an a*o/ed sadist- %unishing and inflicting %ain.

4t is co..onl& agreed that a loss <real or %ercei*ed= at a critical (unction in the %s&chological de*elo%.ent of the child forces hi. to refer to hi.self for nurturing and for gratification. The child ceases to trust others and his a,ilit& to de*elo% o,(ect lo*e- or to idealise is ha.%ered. He is constantl& haunted ,& the feeling that onl& he can satisf& his e.otional needs. He e@%loits %eo%le- so.eti.es unintentionall&- ,ut al/a&s ruthlessl& and .ercilessl&. He uses the. to o,tain confir.ation of the accurac& of his grandiose self!%ortrait. The narcissist is usuall& a,o*e treat.ent. He +no/s ,est. He feels su%erior to his thera%ist in %articular and to the science of %s&cholog& in general. He see+s treat.ent onl& follo/ing a .a(or life crisis- /hich directl& threatens his %ro(ected and %ercei*ed i.age. E*en then he onl& /ishes to restore the %re*ious ,alance. Thera%& sessions /ith the narcissist rese.,le a ,attlefield. He is aloof and distanced- de.onstrates his su%eriorit& in a .&riad /a&sresents /hat he %ercei*es to ,e an intrusion on his inner.ost sanctu.. He is offended ,& an& hint regarding defects or d&sfunctions in his %ersonalit& or in his ,eha*iour. A narcissist is a narcissist is a narcissist 0 e*en /hen he as+s for hel% /ith his /orld and /orld*ie/ shattered. 033endi5: ",je(t Relations #*eories and Nar(issis= Otto Fern,erg <1 E$- 1 DP- 1 DE= disagrees /ith 2reud. He regards the di*ision ,et/een an Io,(ect li,idoI <energ& directed at o,(ects.eaningful others- %eo%le in the i..ediate *icinit& of the infant= and a Inarcissistic li,idoI <energ& directed at the self as the .ost i..ediate and satisf&ing o,(ect=- /hich %recedes it 0 as s%urious. 6hether a child de*elo%s nor.al or %athological narcissis. de%ends on the relations ,et/een the re%resentations of the self <roughl&- the i.age of the self that the child for.s in his .ind= and the re%resentations of o,(ects <roughl&- the i.ages of other %eo%le that the child for.s in his .ind- ,ased on all the e.otional and o,(ecti*e infor.ation a*aila,le to hi.=. 4t is also de%endent on the relationshi% ,et/een the re%resentations of the self and reale@ternal- Io,(ecti*eI o,(ects.

Add to these instinctual conflicts related to ,oth the li,ido and to aggression <these *er& strong e.otions gi*e rise to strong conflicts in the child= and a co.%rehensi*e e@%lanation concerning the for.ation of %athological narcissis. e.erges. Fern,erg9s conce%t of 5elf is closel& related to 2reud9s conce%t of Ego. The self is de%endent u%on the unconscious- /hich e@erts a constant influence on all .ental functions. Pathological narcissis.therefore- reflects a li,idinal in*est.ent in a %athologicall& structured self and not in a nor.al- integrati*e structure of the self. The narcissist suffers ,ecause his self is de*alued or fi@ated on aggression. All o,(ect relations of such a self are distorted: it detaches fro. real o,(ects <,ecause the& hurt hi. often=- dissociatesre%resses- or %ro(ects. Narcissis. is not .erel& a fi@ation on an earl& de*elo%.ental stage. 4t is not confined to the failure to de*elo% intra!%s&chic structures. 4t is an acti*e- li,idinal in*est.ent in a defor.ed structure of the self. 2ranA Fohut regarded narcissis. as the final %roduct of the failing efforts of %arents to co%e /ith the needs of the child to idealise and to ,e grandiose <for instance- to ,e o.ni%otent=. 4dealisation is an i.%ortant de*elo%.ental %ath leading to narcissis.. The child .erges the idealised as%ects of the i.ages of his %arents <4.agos- in Fohut9s ter.inolog&= /ith those /ide seg.ents of the i.age of the %arent /hich are cathected <infused= /ith o,(ect li,ido <in /hich the child in*ests the energ& that he reser*es for o,(ects=. This e@erts an enor.ous and all!i.%ortant influence on the %rocesses of re!internalisation <the %rocesses in /hich the child re! introduces the o,(ects and their i.ages into his .ind= in each of the successi*e %hases. Through these %rocesses- t/o %er.anent nuclei of the %ersonalit& are constructed: a. The ,asic- neutralising te@ture of the %s&che- and ,. The ideal 5u%erego :oth of the. are characterised ,& an in*ested instinctual narcissistic cathe@is <in*ested energ& of self!lo*e /hich is instinctual=. At first- the child idealises his %arents. As he gro/s- he ,egins to notice their shortco.ings and *ices. He /ithdra/s %art of the

idealising li,ido fro. the i.ages of the %arents- /hich is conduci*e to the natural de*elo%.ent of the 5u%erego. The narcissistic %art of the child9s %s&che re.ains *ulnera,le throughout its de*elo%.ent. This is largel& true until the IchildI re!internalises the ideal %arent i.age. Also- the *er& construction of the .ental a%%aratus can ,e ta.%ered /ith ,& trau.atic deficiencies and ,& o,(ect losses right through the Oedi%al %eriod <and e*en in latenc& and in adolescence=. The sa.e effect can ,e attri,uted to trau.atic disa%%oint.ent ,& o,(ects. Distur,ances leading to the for.ation of NPD can ,e thus grou%ed into: 1. Ver+ ear%+ & st$r!ances n the re%at onsh p / th an &ea% o!;ect. These lead to a structural /ea+ness of the %ersonalit&- /hich de*elo%s a deficient and7or d&sfunctional sti.uli!filtering .echanis.. The a,ilit& of the indi*idual to .aintain a ,asic narcissistic ho.eostasis of the %ersonalit& is da.aged. 5uch a %erson suffers fro. diffusi*e narcissistic *ulnera,ilit&. ". A & st$r!ance occ$rr n' %ater n % fe . !$t st %% pre70e& pa%%+ 0 affects the %re!Oedi%al for.ation of the ,asic .echanis.s for controlling- channelling- and neutralising dri*es and urges. The nature of the distur,ance has to ,e a trau.atic encounter /ith the ideal o,(ect <such as a .a(or disa%%oint.ent=. The s&.%to.atic .anifestation of this structural defect is the %ro%ensit& to re!se@ualise dri*e deri*ati*es and internal and e@ternal conflicts- either in the for. of fantasies or in the for. of de*iant acts. O. A & st$r!ance for#e& n the 0e& pa% or e8en n the ear%+ %atent phases 0 inhi,its the co.%letion of the 5u%erego idealisation. This is es%eciall& true of a disa%%oint.ent related to an ideal o,(ect of the late %re!Oedi%al and the Oedi%al stages- /here the %artl& idealised e@ternal %arallel of the ne/l& internalised o,(ect is trau.aticall& destro&ed. 5uch a %erson %ossesses a set of *alues and standards- ,ut he is al/a&s on the loo+out for ideal e@ternal figures fro. /ho. he

as%ires to deri*e the affir.ation and the leadershi% that he cannot get fro. his insufficientl& idealised 5u%erego. )eturn

Malignant Self Love


Narcissism Revisited
Frequently Asked Questions

2)EB;ENT'G A5FED B;E5T4ON C "

Pat*ologi(al Nar(issis= 0 .-s>'n(tion or a Blessing@

Co##ents on recent research !+ <o+ =a$#e ster(

4s %athological narcissis. a ,lessing or a .alediction> The ans/er is: it de%ends. Health& narcissis. is a .ature- ,alanced lo*e of oneself cou%led /ith a sta,le sense of self!/orth and self! estee.. Health& narcissis. i.%lies +no/ledge of one9s ,oundaries and a %ro%ortionate and realistic a%%raisal of one9s achie*e.ents and traits. Pathological narcissis. is /rongl& descri,ed as too .uch health& narcissis. <or too .uch self!estee.=. These are t/o a,solutel& unrelated %heno.ena /hich- regretta,l&- ca.e to ,ear the sa.e title. Confusing %athological narcissis. /ith self!estee. ,etra&s a funda.ental ignorance of ,oth. Pathological narcissis. in*ol*es an i.%aired- d&sfunctionali..ature <True= 5elf cou%led /ith a co.%ensator& fiction <the 2alse 5elf=. The sic+ narcissist9s sense of self!/orth and self!estee. deri*e entirel& fro. audience feed,ac+. The narcissist has no self!estee. or self!/orth of his o/n <no such ego functions=. 4n the a,sence of o,ser*ers- the narcissist shri*els to non!e@istence and feels dead. Hence the narcissist9s %re&ing ha,its in his constant %ursuit of Narcissistic 5u%%l&. Pathological narcissis. is an addicti*e ,eha*iour. 5till- d&sfunctions are reactions to a,nor.al en*iron.ents and situations <e.g.- a,use- trau.a- s.othering- etc.=.

Parado@icall&- his d&sfunction allo/s the narcissist to function. 4t co.%ensates for lac+s and deficiencies ,& e@aggerating tendencies and traits. 4t is li+e the tactile sense of a ,lind %erson. 4n short: %athological narcissis. is a result of o*er!sensiti*it&- the re%ression of o*er/hel.ing .e.ories and e@%eriences- and the su%%ression of inordinatel& strong negati*e feelings <e.g.- hurt- en*&- anger- or hu.iliation=. That the narcissist functions at all 0 is ,ecause of his %atholog& and than+s to it. The alternati*e is co.%lete deco.%ensation and integration. 4n ti.e- the narcissist learns ho/ to le*erage his %atholog&- ho/ to use it to his ad*antage- ho/ to de%lo& it in order to .a@i.ise ,enefits and utilities 0 in other /ords- ho/ to transfor. his curse into a ,lessing. Narcissists are o,sessed ,& delusions of fantastic grandeur and su%eriorit&. As a result the& are *er& co.%etiti*e. The& are strongl& co.%elled 0 /here others are .erel& .oti*ated. The& are dri*enrelentless- tireless- and ruthless. The& often .a+e it to the to%. :ut e*en /hen the& do not 0 the& stri*e and fight and learn and cli., and create and thin+ and de*ise and design and cons%ire. 2aced /ith a challenge 0 the& are li+el& to do ,etter than non!narcissists. Get- /e often find that narcissists a,andon their efforts in .id! strea.- gi*e u%- *anish- lose interest- de*alue for.er %ursuits- or slu.%. 6h& is that> A challenge- or e*en a guaranteed e*entual triu.%h 0 are .eaningless in the a,sence of onloo+ers. The narcissist needs an audience to a%%laud- affir.- recoil- a%%ro*e- ad.ire- adore- fear- or e*en detest hi.. He cra*es the attention and de%ends on the Narcissistic 5u%%l& onl& others can %ro*ide. The narcissist deri*es sustenance onl& fro. the outside 0 his e.otional innards are hollo/ and .ori,und. The narcissist9s enhanced %erfor.ance is %redicated on the e@istence of a challenge <real or i.aginar&= and of an audience. :au.eister usefull& re!affir.ed this lin+age- +no/n to theoreticians since 2reud.

F rst p$!% she& on the :$ te 101 )arc ss st c *ersona% t+ , sor&ers Top c(

)eturn

2)EB;ENT'G A5FED B;E5T4ON C 1$

#*e Nar(issistAs Rea(tion to .e>i(ient Nar(issisti( S'33l-

Question: Ho/ does the narcissist react /hen he fails to o,tain enough Narcissistic 5u%%l&> ns!er: 8er& .uch as a drug addict /ould react to the a,sence of his %articular drug. The narcissist constantl& consu.es <reall&- %re&s u%on= adorationad.iration- a%%ro*al- a%%lause- attention and other for.s of Narcissistic 5u%%l&. 6hen lac+ing or deficient- a Narcissistic Deficienc& D&s%horia sets in. The narcissist then a%%ears to ,e de%ressed- his .o*e.ents slo/ do/n- his slee% %atterns are disordered <he either slee%s too .uch or ,eco.es inso.niac=- his eating %atterns change <he gorges on food or is a*oids it altogether=. He is ,e constantl& d&s%horic <sad= and anhedonic <finds no %leasure in an&thing- including his for.er %ursuits- ho,,ies- and interests=. He is su,(ected to *iolent .ood s/ings <.ainl& rage attac+s= and all his <*isi,le and %ainful= efforts at self!control fail. He .a& co.%ulsi*el& and rituall& resort to an alternati*e addiction 0 alcohol- drugs- rec+less dri*ing- sho%aholis.. This gradual disintegration is the narcissist9s futile effort ,oth to esca%e his %redica.ent 0 and to su,li.ate his aggressi*e urges. His /hole ,eha*iour see.s constrained- artificial- and effortful. The narcissist graduall& turns .ore and .ore .echanical- detached- and IunrealI. His thoughts constantl& /ander or ,eco.e o,sessi*e and

re%etiti*e- his s%eech .a& falter- he a%%ears to ,e far a/a&- in a /orld of his narcissistic fantasies- /here Narcissistic 5u%%l& is a%lent&. He /ithdra/s fro. his %ainful e@istence- /here others fail to a%%reciate his greatness- s%ecial s+ills and talents- %otential- or achie*e.ents. The narcissist thus ceases to ,esto/ hi.self u%on a cruel uni*erse- %unishing it for its shortco.ings- its ina,ilit& to realise ho/ unique he is. The narcissist goes into a schiAoid .ode: he isolates hi.self- a her.it in the +ingdo. of his hurt. He .ini.ises his social interactions and uses I.essengersI to co..unicate /ith the outside. De*oid of energ&- the narcissist can no longer %retend to succu., to social con*entions. His for.er co.%liance gi*es /a& to o%en /ithdra/al <a re,ellion of sorts=. 5.iles are transfor.ed to fro/ns- courtes& ,eco.es rudeness- e.%hasised etiquette used as a /ea%on- an outlet of aggression- an act of *iolence. The narcissist- ,linded ,& %ain- see+s to restore his ,alance- to ta+e another si% of the narcissistic nectar. 4n this quest- the narcissist turns ,oth to and u%on those nearest to hi.. His real attitude e.erges: for hi.- his nearest and dearest are nothing are ,ut tools- one! di.ensional instru.ents of gratification- 5ources of 5u%%l& or %i.%s of such su%%l&- catering to his narcissistic lusts. Ha*ing failed to %rocure for hi. his IdrugI <Narcissistic 5u%%l&=the narcissist regards friends- colleagues- and e*en fa.il& .e.,ers as d&sfunctional- frustrating o,(ects. 4n his /rath- he tries to .end the. ,& forcing the. to %erfor. again- to function. This is cou%led /ith .erciless self!flagellation- a deser*edl& self! inflicted %unish.ent- the narcissist feels. 4n e@tre.e cases of de%ri*ation- the narcissist entertains suicidal thoughts- this is ho/ dee%l& he loathes his self and his de%endence. Throughout- the narcissist is ,eset ,& a %er*ading sense of .alignant nostalgia- har+ing ,ac+ to a %ast- /hich ne*er e@isted e@ce%t in the th/arted fantastic grandiosit& of the narcissist. The longer the lac+ of Narcissistic 5u%%l&- the .ore the narcissist glorifiesre!/rites- .isses and .ourns this %ast. This nostalgia ser*es to enhance other negati*e feelings- a.ounting to clinical de%ression. The narcissist %roceeds to de*elo% %aranoia. He

concocts a %rosecuting /orld- incor%orating in it his life9s e*ents and his social .ilieu. This gi*es .eaning to /hat is erroneousl& %ercei*ed ,& the narcissist to ,e a sudden shift <fro. o*er!su%%l& to no su%%l&=. These theories of cons%irac& account for the decrease in Narcissistic 5u%%l&. The narcissist then 0 frightened- in %ain- and in des%air 0 e.,ar+s u%on an org& of self!destruction intended to generate Ialternati*e 5u%%l& 5ourcesI <attention= at an& cost. The narcissist is %oised to co..it the ulti.ate narcissistic act: self! destruction in the ser*ice of self!aggrandise.ent. 6hen de%ri*ed of Narcissistic 5u%%l& 0 ,oth Pri.ar& AND 5econdar& 0 the narcissist feels annulled- hollo/ed out- or .entall& dise.,o/elled. This is an o*er%o/ering sense of e*a%orationdisintegration into .olecules of terrified anguish- hel%lessl& and ine@ora,l&. 6ithout Narcissistic 5u%%l& 0 the narcissist cru.,les- li+e the Ao.,ies or the *a.%ires one sees in horror .o*ies. 4t is terrif&ing and the narcissist /ill do an&thing to a*oid it. Thin+ a,out the narcissist as a drug addict. His /ithdra/al s&.%to.s are identical: delusions%h&siological effects- irrita,ilit&- and e.otional la,ilit&. 4n the a,sence of regular Narcissistic 5u%%l&- narcissists often e@%erience ,rief- deco.%ensator& %s&chotic e%isodes. This also ha%%ens /hile in thera%& or follo/ing a life!crisis acco.%anied ,& a .a(or narcissistic in(ur&. These %s&chotic e%isodes .a& ,e closel& allied to another feature of narcissis.: .agical thin+ing. Narcissists are li+e children in this sense. Man&- for instance- full& ,elie*e in t/o things: that /hate*er ha%%ens 0 the& /ill %re*ail and that good things /ill al/a&s ha%%en to the.. 4t is .ore than .ere ,elief- reall&. Narcissists (ust FNO6 it- the sa.e /a& one I+no/sI a,out gra*it& 0 directl&- i..ediatel& and assuredl&. The narcissist ,elie*es that- no .atter /hat he does- he /ill al/a&s ,e forgi*en- al/a&s %re*ail and triu.%h- al/a&s co.e on to%. The narcissist is- therefore- fearless in a .anner %ercei*ed ,& others to ,e ,oth ad.ira,le and insane. He attri,utes to hi.self di*ine and cos.ic i..unit& 0 he cloa+s hi.self in it- it renders hi. in*isi,le to his

ene.ies and to the %o/ers of Ie*ilI. 4t is a childish %hantas.agoria 0 ,ut to the narcissist it is *er& real. The narcissist +no/s /ith religious certaint& that good things /ill al/a&s ha%%en to hi.. 6ith equal certitude- the .ore self!a/are narcissist +no/s that he /ill squander this good fortune ti.e and again 0 a %ainful e@%erience ,est a*oided. 5o- no .atter /hat serendi%it& or fortuit&- /hat luc+& circu.stance- /hat ,lessing the narcissist recei*es 0 he al/a&s stri*es /ith ,lind fur& to deflect the.to defor. and to ruin his chances. )eturn

2)EB;ENT'G A5FED B;E5T4ON C 1Q

#*e .el'sional 6a- "'t

Question: 6hen .& hus,and goes through a ,ad s%ot- he shuts hi.self in his den all da& long- doesn9t tal+ to an&one- (ust surfs the 6e,. 4s this t&%ical> 5hould 4 ,e /orried> ns!er: The stud& of narcissis. is a centur& old and the t/o scholarl& de,ates central to its conce%tion are still undecided. 4s there such a thing as HEA'THG adult narcissis. <Fohut= 0 or are all the .anifestations of narcissis. in adulthood %athological <2reudFern,erg=> Moreo*er- is %athological narcissis. the outco.e of *er,al- se@ual- %h&sical- or %s&chological a,use <the o*er/hel.ing *ie/= 0 or- on the contrar&- the sad result of s%oiling the child and idolising it <Millon- the late 2reud=> The second de,ate is easier to resol*e if one agrees to ado%t a .ore co.%rehensi*e definition of Ia,useI. O*er/eening- s.otherings%oiling- o*er*aluing- and idolising the child 0 are all for.s of %arental a,use. This is ,ecause- as Horne& %ointed out- the child is dehu.anised and instru.entalised. His %arents lo*e hi. not for /hat he reall& is 0 ,ut for /hat the& /ish and i.agine hi. to ,e: the fulfil.ent of their drea.s and frustrated /ishes. The child ,eco.es the *essel of his %arents9 discontented li*es- a tool- the .agic ,rush /ith /hich the& can transfor. their failures into successes- their hu.iliation into *ictor&- their frustrations into ha%%iness. The child is taught to ignore realit& and to occu%& the %arental fantastic s%ace. 5uch an

unfortunate child feels o.ni%otent and o.niscient- %erfect and ,rilliant- /orth& of adoration and entitled to s%ecial treat.ent. The faculties that are honed ,& constantl& ,rushing against ,ruising realit& 0 e.%ath&- co.%assion- a realistic assess.ent of one9s a,ilities and li.itations- realistic e@%ectations of oneself and of others- %ersonal ,oundaries- tea. /or+- social s+ills- %erse*erance and goal! orientation- not to .ention the a,ilit& to %ost%one gratification and to /or+ hard to achie*e it 0 are all lac+ing or .issing altogether. The child turned adult sees no reason to in*est in his s+ills and educationcon*inced that his inherent genius should suffice. He feels entitled for .erel& ,eing- rather than for actuall& doing <rather as the no,ilit& in da&s gone ,& felt entitled not ,& *irtue of its .erit ,ut as the ine*ita,le- foreordained outco.e of its ,irth right=. 4n other /ordshe is not .eritocratic 0 ,ut aristocratic. 4n short: a narcissist is ,orn. :ut such a .ental structure is ,rittle- susce%ti,le to criticis. and disagree.ent- *ulnera,le to the incessant encounter /ith a harsh and intolerant /orld. Dee% inside- narcissists of ,oth +inds <those /rought ,& IclassicI a,use and those &ielded ,& ,eing idolised= 0 feel inadequate- %hone&- fa+e- inferior- and deser*ing of %unish.ent. This is Millon9s .ista+e. He .a+es a distinction ,et/een se*eral t&%es of narcissists. He /rongl& assu.es that the IclassicI narcissist is the outco.e of o*er*aluation- idolisation- and s%oiling and- thus- is %ossessed of su%re.e- unchallenged- self!confidence- and is de*oid of all self!dou,t. According to Millon- it is the Ico.%ensator&I narcissist that falls %re& to nagging self!dou,ts- feelings of inferiorit&- and a .asochistic desire for self!%unish.ent. Get- the distinction is ,oth /rong and unnecessar&. There is onl& ONE t&%e of narcissist 0 though there are T6O de*elo%.ental %aths to it. And A'' narcissists are ,esieged ,& dee%l& ingrained <though at ti.es not conscious= feelings of inadequac&- fears of failure- .asochistic desires to ,e %enalised- a fluctuating sense of self!/orth <regulated ,& Narcissistic 5u%%l&=- and an o*er/hel.ing sensation of fa+eness. The ?randiosit& ?a% <,et/een a fantasticall& grandiose 0 and unli.ited 0 self!i.age and actual 0 li.ited 0 acco.%lish.ents and achie*e.ents= is grating. 4ts recurrence threatens the %recariousl& ,alanced house of cards that is the narcissistic %ersonalit&. The

narcissist finds- to his chagrin- that %eo%le out there are .uch less ad.iring- acco..odating and acce%ting than his %arents. As he gro/s old- the narcissist often ,eco.es the target of constant derision and .oc+er&- a sorr& sight indeed. His clai.s for su%eriorit& a%%ear less %lausi,le and su,stantial the .ore and the longer he .a+es the.. Pathological narcissis. 0 originall& a defence .echanis. intended to shield the narcissist fro. an in(urious /orld 0 ,eco.es the .ain source of hurt- a generator of in(uries- counter%roducti*e and dangerous. O*er/hel.ed ,& negati*e or a,sent Narcissistic 5u%%l&the narcissist is forced to let go of it. The narcissist then resorts to self!delusion. ;na,le to co.%letel& ignore contrarian o%inion and data 0 he trans.utes the.. ;na,le to face the dis.al failure that he is- the narcissist %artiall& /ithdra/s fro. realit&. To soothe and sal*e the %ain of disillusion.ent- he ad.inisters to his aching soul a .i@ture of lies- distortions- half!truths and outlandish inter%retations of e*ents around hi.. These solutions can ,e classified thus: The Delusional Narrati"e Solution The narcissist constructs a narrati*e in /hich he figures as the hero 0 ,rilliant- %erfect- irresisti,l& handso.e- destined for great thingsentitled- %o/erful- /ealth&- the centre of attention- etc. The ,igger the strain on this delusional charade 0 the greater the ga% ,et/een fantas& and realit& 0 the .ore the delusion coalesces and solidifies. 2inall&- if it is sufficientl& %rotracted- it re%laces realit& and the narcissist9s realit& test deteriorates. He /ithdra/s his ,ridges and .a& ,eco.e schiAot&%al- catatonic- or schiAoid. The ntisocial Solution The narcissist renounces realit&. To his .ind- those /ho %usillani.ousl& fail to recognise his un,ound talents- innate su%eriorit&- o*erarching ,rilliance- ,ene*olent nature- entitle.entcos.icall& i.%ortant .ission- %erfection- etc. 0 do not deser*e consideration. The narcissist9s natural affinit& /ith the cri.inal 0 his lac+ of e.%ath& and co.%assion- his deficient social s+ills- his disregard for social la/s and .orals 0 no/ eru%t and ,losso.. He

,eco.es a full fledged antisocial <socio%ath or %s&cho%ath=. He ignores the /ishes and needs of others- he ,rea+s the la/- he *iolates all rights 0 natural and legal- he holds %eo%le in conte.%t and disdain- he derides societ& and its codes- he %unishes the ignorant ingrates 0 that- to his .ind- dro*e hi. to this state 0 ,& acting cri.inall& and ,& (eo%ardising their safet&- li*es- or %ro%ert&. The Paranoid Schi#oid Solution The narcissist de*elo%s %ersecutor& delusions. He %ercei*es slights and insults /here none /ere intended. He ,eco.es su,(ect to ideas of reference <%eo%le are gossi%ing a,out hi.- .oc+ing hi.- %r&ing into his affairs- crac+ing his e!.ail- etc.=. He is con*inced that he is the centre of .align and .al!intentioned attention. Peo%le are cons%iring to hu.iliate hi.- %unish hi.- a,scond /ith his %ro%ert&delude hi.- i.%o*erish hi.- confine hi. %h&sicall& or intellectuall&censor hi.- i.%ose on his ti.e- force hi. to action <or to inaction=frighten hi.- coerce hi.- surround and ,esiege hi.- change his .ind%art /ith his *alues- *icti.ise or e*en .urder hi.- and so on. 5o.e narcissists /ithdra/ co.%letel& fro. a /orld %o%ulated /ith such .inacious and o.inous o,(ects <reall& %ro(ections of internal o,(ects and %rocesses=. The& a*oid all social contact- e@ce%t the .ost necessar&. The& refrain fro. .eeting %eo%le- falling in lo*e- ha*ing se@- tal+ing to others- or e*en corres%onding /ith the.. 4n short: the& ,eco.e schiAoids 0 not out of social sh&ness- ,ut out of /hat the& feel to ,e their choice. IThis e*il- ho%eless /orld does not deser*e .eI 0 goes the inner refrain 0 Iand 4 shall /aste none of .& ti.e and resources on it.I The Paranoid ggressi"e $E%&losi"e' Solution Other narcissists /ho de*elo% %ersecutor& delusions- resort to an aggressi*e stance- a .ore *iolent resolution of their internal conflict. The& ,eco.e *er,all&- %s&chologicall&- situationall& <and- *er& rarel&%h&sicall&= a,usi*e. The& insult- castigate- chastise- ,erate- de.eanand deride their nearest and dearest <often /ell /ishers and lo*ed ones=. The& e@%lode in un%ro*o+ed dis%la&s of indignationrighteousness- conde.nation- and ,la.e. Theirs is an e@egetic :edla.. The& inter%ret e*er&thing 0 e*en the .ost innocuous-

inad*ertent- and innocent co..ent 0 as designed to %ro*o+e and hu.iliate the.. The& so/ fear- re*ulsion- hate- and .alignant en*&. The& flail against the /ind.ills of realit& 0 a %athetic- forlorn- sight. :ut often the& cause real and lasting da.age 0 fortunatel&- .ainl& to the.sel*es. The (asochistic "oidant Solution The narcissist is angered ,& the lac+ of Narcissistic 5u%%l&. He directs so.e of this fur& in/ards- %unishing hi.self for his IfailureI. This .asochistic ,eha*iour has the added I,enefitI of forcing the narcissist9s closest to assu.e the roles of dis.a&ed s%ectators or of %ersecutors and thus- either /a&- to %a& hi. the attention that he cra*es. 5elf!ad.inistered %unish.ent often .anifests as self!handica%%ing .asochis. 0 a narcissistic co%!out. :& under.ining his /or+- his relationshi%s- and his efforts- the increasingl& fragile narcissist a*oids additional criticis. and censure <negati*e su%%l&=. 5elf!inflicted failure is the narcissist9s doing and thus %ro*es that he is the .aster of his o/n fate. Masochistic narcissists +ee% finding the.sel*es in self!defeating circu.stances /hich render success i.%ossi,le 0 and 6an o!;ect 8e assess#ent of the r perfor#ance #pro!a!%e6 LMillon- "###M. The& act carelessl&- /ithdra/ in .id!effort- are constantl& fatigued- ,ored- or disaffected and thus %assi*e!aggressi*el& sa,otage their li*es. Their suffering is defiant and ,& Ideciding to a,ortI the& reassert their o.ni%otence. The narcissist9s %ronounced and %u,lic .iser& and self!%it& are co.%ensator& and 6re nforce 4h s5 se%f7estee# a'a nst o8er/he%# n' con8 ct ons of /orth%essness6 LMillon- "###M. His tri,ulations and anguish render hi.- in his e&es- unique- saintl&- *irtuous- righteousresilient- and significant. The& are- in other /ords- self!generated Narcissistic 5u%%l&. Thus- %arado@icall&- the /orst his anguish and unha%%iness- the .ore relie*ed and elated such a narcissist feelsH

LAdditional reading: Millon- Theodore and Da*is- )oger 0 Personalit& Disorders in Modern 'ife- "nd Edition 0 Ne/ Gor+- 3ohn 6ile& and 5ons- "###M 2randiosit- and Inti=a(- ) #*e Roots o> Paranoia Paranoid ideation 0 the narcissist9s dee%!rooted con*iction that he is ,eing %ersecuted ,& his inferiors- detractors- or %o/erful ill!/ishers 0 ser*es t/o %s&chod&na.ic %ur%oses. 4t u%holds the narcissist9s grandiosit& and it fends off inti.ac&. )randiosity Enhancing Paranoia :eing the target of relentless- u,iquitous- and un(ust %ersecution %ro*es to the %aranoid narcissist ho/ i.%ortant and feared he is. :eing hounded ,& the .ight& and the %ri*ileged *alidates his %i*otal role in the sche.e of things. Onl& *ital- /eight&- crucial- essential %rinci%als are thus ,ullied and inti.idated- follo/ed and harassedstal+ed and intruded u%on 0 goes his unconscious inner dialog. The narcissist consistentl& ,aits authorit& figures into %unishing hi. and thus into u%holding his delusional self!i.age as /orth& of their attention. This %ro*ocati*e ,eha*iour is called Pro(ecti*e 4dentification. The %aranoid delusions of the narcissist are al/a&s grandioseIcos.icI- or IhistoricalI. His %ursuers are influential and for.ida,le. The& are after his unique %ossessions- out to e@%loit his e@%ertise and s%ecial traits- or to force hi. to a,stain and refrain fro. certain actions. The narcissist feels that he is at the centre of intrigues and cons%iracies of colossal .agnitudes. Alternati*el&- the narcissist feels *icti.ised ,& .ediocre ,ureaucrats and intellectual d/ar*es /ho consistentl& fail to a%%reciate his outstanding 0 reall&- un%aralleled 0 talents- s+ills- and acco.%lish.ents. :eing haunted ,& his challenged inferiors su,stantiates the narcissist9s co.%arati*e su%eriorit&. Dri*en ,& %athological en*&- these %&g.ies collude to defraud hi.- ,adger hi.den& hi. his due- denigrate- isolate- and ignore hi.. The narcissist %ro(ects onto this second class of lesser %ersecutors his o/n deleterious e.otions and transfor.ed aggression: hatredrage- and seething (ealous&.

The narcissist9s %aranoid strea+ is li+eliest to eru%t /hen he lac+s Narcissistic 5u%%l&. The regulation of his la,ile sense of self!/orth is de%endent u%on e@ternal sti.uli 0 adoration- adulation- affir.ationa%%lause- notoriet&- fa.e- infa.&- and- in general- attention of an& +ind. 6hen such attention is deficient- the narcissist co.%ensates ,& confa,ulating. He constructs ungrounded narrati*es in /hich he is the %rotagonist and uses the. to force his hu.an en*iron.ent into co.%licit&. Put si.%l&- he %ro*o+es %eo%le to %a& attention to hi. ,& .is,eha*ing or ,eha*ing oddl&. *ntimacy Retarding Paranoia Paranoia is use ,& the narcissist to /ard off or re*erse inti.ac&. The narcissist is threatened ,& inti.ac& ,ecause it reduces hi. to ordinariness ,& e@%osing his /ea+nesses and shortco.ings and ,& causing hi. to act Inor.all&I. The narcissist also dreads the encounter /ith his dee% ,uried e.otions 0 hurt- en*&- angeraggression 0 li+el& to ,e foisted on hi. in an inti.ate relationshi%. The %aranoid narrati*e legiti.ises inti.ac& re%elling ,eha*iours such as +ee%ing one9s distance- secrec&- aloofness- reclusionaggression- intrusion on %ri*ac&- l&ing- desultoriness- itineranc&un%redicta,ilit&- and idios&ncratic or eccentric reactions. ?raduall&the narcissist succeeds to alienate and /ear do/n all his friendscolleagues- /ell!/ishers- and .ates. E*en his closest- nearest- and dearest- his fa.il& 0 feel e.otionall& detached and I,urnt outI. The %aranoid narcissist ends life as an odd,all recluse 0 deridedfeared- and loathed in equal .easures. His %aranoia 0 e@acer,ated ,& re%eated re(ections and ageing 0 %er*ades his entire life and di.inishes his creati*it&- ada%ta,ilit&- and functioning. The narcissist %ersonalit&- ,uffeted ,& %aranoia- turns ossified and ,rittle. 2inall&ato.ised and useless- it succu.,s and gi*es /a& to a great *oid. The narcissist is consu.ed.
F rst p$!% she& on the :$ te 101 )arc ss st c *ersona% t+ , sor&ers Top c(

)eturn

2)EB;ENT'G A5FED B;E5T4ON C 1

#*e ;nsta,le Nar(issist

Question: 4s the narcissist characterised ,& si.ultaneous insta,ilities in all the i.%ortant as%ects of his life> ns!er: The narcissist is a %erson /ho deri*es his Ego <and ego functions= fro. other %eo%le9s reactions to an i.age he in*ents and %ro(ects- called the 2alse 5elf <Narcissistic 5u%%l&=. 5ince no a,solute control o*er the quantit& and qualit& of Narcissistic 5u%%l& is %ossi,le 0 it is ,ound to fluctuate 0 the narcissist9s *ie/ of hi.self and of his /orld is corres%ondingl& and equall& *olatile. As I%u,lic o%inionI e,,s and flo/s- so do the narcissist9s self!confidence- self!estee.sense of self!/orth- or- in other /ords- so does his 5elf. E*en the narcissist9s con*ictions are su,(ect to a ne*er!ending %rocess of *etting ,& others. The narcissistic %ersonalit& is unsta,le in each and e*er& one of its di.ensions. 4t is the ulti.ate h&,rid: rigidl& a.or%hous- de*outl& fle@i,le- reliant for its sustenance on the o%inion of %eo%le- /ho. the narcissist under*alues. A large %art of this insta,ilit& is su,su.ed under the E.otional 4n*ol*e.ent Pre*ention Measures <E4PM= that 4 descri,e in the Essa&. The narcissist9s la,ilit& is so u,iquitous and so do.inant 0 that it .ight /ell ,e descri,ed as the ON'G sta,le feature of his %ersonalit&. The narcissist does e*er&thing /ith one goal in .ind: to attract Narcissistic 5u%%l& <attention=. An e@a.%le of this +ind of ,eha*iour:

The narcissist .a& stud& a gi*en su,(ect diligentl& and in great de%th in order to i.%ress %eo%le later /ith this ne/l& acquired erudition. :ut- ha*ing ser*ed its %ur%ose- the narcissist lets the +no/ledge thus acquired e*a%orate. The narcissist .aintains a sort of a Ishort!ter.I cell or /arehouse /here he stores /hate*er .a& co.e hand& in the %ursuit of Narcissistic 5u%%l&. :ut he is al.ost ne*er reall& interested in /hat he does- studies- and e@%eriences. 2ro. the outside- this .ight ,e %ercei*ed as insta,ilit&. :ut thin+ a,out it this /a&: the narcissist is constantl& %re%aring for life9s Ie@a.sI and feels that he is on a %er.anent trial. 4t is co..on to forget .aterial studied onl& in %re%aration for an e@a. or for a court a%%earance. 5hort!ter. .e.or& is %erfectl& nor.al. 6hat sets the narcissist a%art is the fact that- /ith hi.- this short!ter.is. is a CON5TANT state of affairs and affects A'' his functions- not onl& those directl& related to learning- or to e.otions- or to e@%erience- or to an& single di.ension of his life. Thus- the narcissist learns- re.e.,ers and forgets not in line /ith his real interests or ho,,ies- he lo*es and hates not the real su,(ects of his e.otions ,ut one di.ensional- utilitarian- cartoons constructed ,& hi.. He (udges- %raises and conde.ns 0 all fro. the narro/est %ossi,le %oint of *ie/: the %otential to e@tract Narcissistic 5u%%l&. He as+s not /hat he can do /ith the /orld and in it 0 ,ut /hat can the /orld do for hi. as far as Narcissistic 5u%%l& goes. He falls in and out of lo*e /ith %eo%le- /or+%laces- residences- *ocations- ho,,iesinterests 0 ,ecause the& see. to ,e a,le to %ro*ide .ore or less Narcissistic 5u%%l& and for no other reason. 5till- narcissists ,elong to t/o ,road categories: the Ico.%ensator& sta,ilit&I and the Ienhancing insta,ilit&I t&%es. Com&ensatory Sta+ility $,Classic,' Narcissists These narcissists isolate one or .ore <,ut ne*er .ost= as%ects of their li*es and I.a+e these as%ect7s sta,leI. The& do not reall& in*est the.sel*es in it. This sta,ilit& is .aintained ,& artificial .eans: .one&- cele,rit&- %o/er- fear. A t&%ical e@a.%le is a narcissist /ho changes nu.erous /or+%laces- a fe/ careers- a .&riad of ho,,ies-

*alue s&ste.s or faiths. At the sa.e ti.e- he .aintains <%reser*es= a relationshi% /ith a single /o.an <and e*en re.ains faithful to her=. 5he is his Iisland of sta,ilit&I. To fulfil this role- she (ust needs to ,e there for hi. %h&sicall&. The narcissist is de%endent u%on IhisI /o.an to .aintain the sta,ilit& lac+ing in all other areas of his life <to co.%ensate for his insta,ilit&=. Get- e.otional closeness is ,ound to threaten the narcissist. Thus- he is li+el& to distance hi.self fro. her and to re.ain detached and indifferent to .ost of her needs. Des%ite this cruel e.otional treat.ent- the narcissist considers her to ,e a %oint of e@it- a for. of sustenance- a fountain of e.%o/er.ent. This .is.atch ,et/een /hat he /ishes to recei*e and /hat he is a,le to gi*e- the narcissist %refers to den&- re%ress and ,ur& dee% in his unconscious. This is /h& he is al/a&s shoc+ed and de*astated to learn of his /ife9s estrange.ent- infidelit&- or intentions to di*orce hi.. Possessed of no e.otional de%th- ,eing co.%letel& one trac+ .inded 0 he cannot fatho. the needs of others. 4n other /ords- he cannot e.%athise. Another 0 e*en .ore co..on 0 case is the Icareer narcissistI. This narcissist .arries- di*orces and re.arries /ith diAA&ing s%eed. E*er&thing in his life is in constant flu@: friends- e.otions(udge.ents- *alues- ,eliefs- %lace of residence- affiliations- ho,,ies. E*er&thing- that is- e@ce%t his /or+. His career is the island of co.%ensating sta,ilit& in his other/ise .ercurial e@istence. This +ind of narcissist is dogged ,& un.itigated a.,ition and de*otion. He %erse*eres in one /or+%lace or one (o,%atientl&- %ersistentl& and ,lindl& cli.,ing u% the cor%orate ladder and treading the career %ath. 4n his %ursuit of (o, fulfil.ent and achie*e.ents- the narcissist is ruthless and unscru%ulous 0 and- *er& often- successful. Enhancing *nsta+ility $,-orderline,' Narcissist The other +ind of narcissist enhances insta,ilit& in one as%ect or di.ension of his life 0 ,& introducing insta,ilit& in others. Thus- if such a narcissist resigns <or- .ore li+el&- is .ade redundant= 0 he also

relocates to another cit& or countr&. 4f he di*orces- he is also li+el& to resign his (o,. This added insta,ilit& gi*es this t&%e of narcissist the feeling that all the di.ensions of his life are changing si.ultaneousl&- that he is ,eing Iunshac+ledI- that a transfor.ation is in %rogress. This- of course- is an illusion. Those /ho +no/ the narcissist- no longer trust his frequent Icon*ersionsI- IdecisionsI- IcrisesI- Itransfor.ationsIIde*elo%.entsI and I%eriodsI. The& see through his %retensions%rotestations- and sole.n declarations into the core of his insta,ilit&. The& +no/ that he is not to ,e relied u%on. The& +no/ that /ith narcissists- te.%orariness is the onl& %er.anence. Narcissists hate routine. 6hen a narcissist finds hi.self doing the sa.e things o*er and o*er again- he gets de%ressed. He o*erslee%so*er!eats- o*er!drin+s and- in general- engages in addicti*e- i.%ulsi*erec+less- and co.%ulsi*e ,eha*iours. This is his /a& of re!introducing ris+ and e@cite.ent into /hat he <e.otionall&= %ercei*es to ,e a ,arren life. The %ro,le. is that e*en the .ost e@citing and *aried e@istence ,eco.es routine after a /hile. 'i*ing in the sa.e countr& or a%art.ent- .eeting the sa.e %eo%le- doing essentiall& the sa.e things <e*en /ith changing content= 0 all Iqualif&I- in the e&es of the narcissist- as stultif&ing rote. The narcissist feels entitled. He feels it is his right 0 due to his intellectual or %h&sical su%eriorit& 0 to lead a thrilling- re/arding+aleidosco%ic life. He /ants to force life itself- or at least %eo%le around hi.- to &ield to his /ishes and needs- su%re.e a.ong the. the need for sti.ulating *ariet&. This re(ection of ha,it is %art of a larger %attern of aggressi*e entitle.ent. The narcissist feels that the *er& e@istence of a su,li.e intellect <such as his= /arrants concessions and allo/ances ,& others. Thus- standing in line is a /aste of ti.e ,etter s%ent %ursuing +no/ledge- in*enting and creating. The narcissist should a*ail hi.self of the ,est .edical treat.ent %roffered ,& the .ost %ro.inent .edical authorities 0 lest the %recious asset that is the narcissist is lost to Man+ind. He should not ,e ,othered /ith tri*ial %ursuits 0

these lo/l& functions are ,est assigned to the less gifted. The de*il is in %a&ing %recious attention to detail. Entitle.ent is so.eti.es (ustified in a Picasso or an Einstein. :ut fe/ narcissists are either. Their achie*e.ents are grotesquel& inco..ensurate /ith their o*er/hel.ing sense of entitle.ent and /ith their grandiose self!i.age. Of course- this o*er%o/ering sense of su%eriorit& often ser*es to .as+ and co.%ensate for a cancerous co.%le@ of inferiorit&. Moreo*er- the narcissist infects others /ith his %ro(ected grandiosit& and their feed,ac+ constitutes the edifice u%on /hich he constructs his self!estee.. He regulates his sense of self!/orth ,& rigidl& insisting that he is a,o*e the .adding cro/d /hile deri*ing his Narcissistic 5u%%l& fro. the *er& %eo%le he holds in dee% conte.%t. :ut there is a second angle to this a,horrence of the %redicta,le. Narcissists e.%lo& a host of E.otional 4n*ol*e.ent Pre*ention Measures <E4PM9s=. Des%ising routine and a*oiding it is one of these .echanis.s. Their function is to %re*ent the narcissist fro. getting e.otionall& in*ol*ed and- su,sequentl&- hurt. Their a%%lication results in an A%%roach!A*oidance )e%etition Co.%le@. The narcissist- fearing and loathing inti.ac&- sta,ilit& and securit& 0 &et cra*ing the. 0 a%%roaches and then a*oids significant others or i.%ortant tas+s in a ra%id succession of a%%arentl& inconsistent and disconnected c&cles. #*e #&o Loves o> t*e Nar(issist Narcissists Ilo*eI their s%ouses or other significant others 0 as long as the& continue to relia,l& %ro*ide the. /ith Narcissistic 5u%%l& <in one /ord- /ith attention=. 4ne*ita,l&- the& regard others as .ere IsourcesI- o,(ects- or functions. 'ac+ing e.%ath& and e.otional .aturit&- the narcissist9s lo*e is %athological. :ut the %recise locus of the %atholog& de%ends on the narcissist9s sta,ilit& or insta,ilit& in different %arts of his life. 6e are- therefore- faced /ith t/o %athological for.s of narcissistic Ilo*eI. One t&%e of narcissist Ilo*esI others as one /ould attach to o,(ects. He Ilo*esI his s%ouse- for instance- si.%l& ,ecause she e@ists

and is a*aila,le to %ro*ide hi. /ith Narcissistic 5u%%l&. He Ilo*esI his children ,ecause the& are %art of his self!i.age as a successful hus,and and father. He Ilo*esI his IfriendsI ,ecause 0 and onl& as long as 0 he can e@%loit the.. 5uch a narcissist reacts /ith alar. and rage to an& sign of inde%endence and autono.& in his IchargesI. He tries to IfreeAeI e*er&one around hi. in their IallocatedI %ositions and Iassigned rolesI. His /orld is rigid and i..o*a,le- %redicta,le and static- full& under his control. He %unishes for ItransgressionsI against this ordained order. He thus stifles life as a d&na.ic %rocess of co.%ro.ising and gro/ing 0 rendering it instead a .ere theatre- a ta,leau *i*ant. The other t&%e of narcissist a,hors .onoton& and constanc&equating the.- in his .ind- /ith death. He see+s u%hea*al- dra.aand change 0 ,ut onl& /hen the& confor. to his %lans- designs- and *ie/s of the /orld and of hi.self. Thus- he does not encourage gro/th in his nearest and dearest. :& .ono%olising their li*es- he- li+e the other +ind of narcissist- also reduces the. to .ere o,(ects- %ro%s in the e@citing dra.a of his life. This narcissist li+e/ise rages at an& sign of re,ellion and disagree.ent. :ut- as o%%osed to the first su,!s%ecies- he see+s to ani.ate others /ith his de.ented energ&- grandiose %lans- and .egalo.aniacal self!%erce%tion. An adrenaline (un+ie- his /orld is a /hirl/ind of co.ings and goings- reunions and se%arations- lo*es and hates- *ocations ado%ted and discarded- sche.es erected and dis.antled- ene.ies turned friends and *ice *ersa. His ;ni*erse is equall& a theatre- ,ut a .ore ferocious and chaotic one. 6here is lo*e in all this> 6here is the co..it.ent to the lo*ed one9s /elfare- the disci%line- the e@tension of oneself to incor%orate the ,elo*ed- the .utual gro/th> No/here to ,e seen. The narcissist9s Ilo*eI is hate and fear disguised 0 fear of losing control and hatred of the *er& %eo%le his %recariousl& ,alanced %ersonalit& so de%ends on. The narcissist is egotisticall& co..itted onl& to his o/n /ell!,eing. To hi.- the o,(ects of his Ilo*eI are interchangea,le and inferior.

He idealises his nearest and dearest not ,ecause he is s.itten ,& e.otion 0 ,ut ,ecause he needs to ca%ti*ate the. and to con*ince hi.self that the& are /orth& 5ources of 5u%%l&- des%ite their fla/s and .ediocrit&. Once he dee.s the. useless- he discards and de*alues the. si.ilarl& cold!,loodedl&. A %redator- al/a&s on the loo+out- he de,ases the coin of Ilo*eI as he corru%ts e*er&thing else in hi.self and around hi.. )eturn

2)EB;ENT'G A5FED B;E5T4ON C "P

"t*er Peo3leAs Pain

Question: Do the& actuall& en(o& the taunting- the sadistic ,eha*iourand the %unish.ent that al/a&s follo/s> ns!er: Most narcissists en(o& an irrational and ,rief ,urst of relief after ha*ing suffered e.otionall& <Inarcissistic in(ur&I= or after ha*ing sustained a loss. 4t is a sense of freedo.- /hich co.es /ith ,eing unshac+led. Ha*ing lost e*er&thing- the narcissist often feels that he has found hi.self- that he has ,een re!,orn- that he has ,een charged /ith natal energ&- a,le to ta+e on ne/ challenges and to e@%lore ne/ territories. This elation is so addicti*e- that the narcissist often see+s %ain- hu.iliation- %unish.ent- scorn- and conte.%t 0 as long as the& are %u,lic and in*ol*e the attention of %eers and su%eriors. :eing %unished accords /ith the tor.enting inner *oices of the narcissist /hich +ee% telling hi. that he is ,ad- corru%t- and /orth& of %enalt&. This is the .asochistic strea+ in the narcissist. :ut the narcissist is also a sadist 0 al,eit an unusual one. The narcissist inflicts %ain and a,use on others. He de*alues 5ources of 5u%%l&- callousl& and off!handedl& a,andons the.- and discards %eo%le- %laces- %artnershi%s- and friendshi%s unhesitatingl&. 5o.e narcissists 0 though ,& no .eans the .a(orit& 0 actuall& EN3OG a,using- taunting- tor.enting- and frea+ishl& controlling others <IgaslightingI=. :ut .ost of the. do these things a,sent.indedl&auto.aticall&- and- often- e*en /ithout good reason. 6hat is unusual a,out the narcissist9s sadistic ,eha*iours 0 %re.editated acts of tor.enting others /hile en(o&ing their

anguished reactions 0 is that the& are goal orientated. IPureI sadists ha*e no goal in .ind e@ce%t the %ursuit of %leasure 0 %ain as an art for. <re.e.,er the Marquis de 5ade>=. The narcissist- on the other hand- haunts and hunts his *icti.s for a reason 0 he /ants the. to reflect his inner state. 4t is all %art of a .echanis. called Pro(ecti*e 4dentification. 6hen the narcissist is angr&- unha%%&- disa%%ointed- in(ured- or hurt 0 he feels una,le to e@%ress his e.otions sincerel& and o%enl& since to do so /ould ,e to ad.it his frailt&- his neediness- and his /ea+nesses. He de%lores his o/n hu.anit& 0 his e.otions- his *ulnera,ilit&- his susce%ti,ilit&- his gulli,ilit&- his inadequacies- and his failures. 5o- he .a+es use of other %eo%le to e@%ress his %ain and his frustration- his %ent u% anger and his aggression. He achie*es this ,& .entall& torturing other %eo%le to the %oint of .adness- ,& dri*ing the. to *iolence- ,& reducing the. to scar tissue in search of outletclosure- and- so.eti.es- re*enge. He forces %eo%le to lose their o/n character traits 0 and ado%t his o/n instead. 4n reaction to his constant and /ell!targeted a,use- the& ,eco.e a,usi*e- *engefulruthless- lac+ing e.%ath&- o,sessed- and aggressi*e. The& .irror hi. faithfull& and thus relie*e hi. of the need to e@%ress hi.self directl&. Ha*ing constructed this /rithing hall of hu.an .irrors- the narcissist /ithdra/s. The goal achie*ed- he lets go. As o%%osed to the sadist- he is no in it- indefinitel&- for the %leasure of it. He a,uses and trau.atises- hu.iliates and a,andons- discards and ignores- insults and %ro*o+es 0 onl& for the %ur%ose of %urging his inner de.ons. :& %ossessing others- he %urifies hi.self- catharticall&- and e@orcises his de.ented self. This acco.%lished- he acts al.ost /ith re.orse. An e%isode of e@tre.e a,use is follo/ed ,& an act of great care and ,& .ellifluous a%ologies. The Narcissistic Pendulu. s/ings ,et/een the e@tre.es of torturing others and e.%athicall& soothing the resulting %ain. This incongruous ,eha*iour- these IsuddenI shifts ,et/een sadis. and altruis.- a,use and Ilo*eI- ignoring and caring- a,andoning and clinging- *iciousness and re.orse- the harsh and the tender 0 are%erha%s- the .ost difficult to co.%rehend and to acce%t. These s/ings %roduce in %eo%le around the narcissist e.otional insecurit&-

an eroded sense of self!/orth- fear- stress- and an@iet& <I/al+ing on eggshellsI=. ?raduall&- e.otional %aral&sis ensues and the& co.e to occu%& the sa.e e.otional /asteland inha,ited ,& the narcissist- his %risoners and hostages in .ore /a&s than one 0 and e*en /hen he is long out of their life.
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2)EB;ENT'G A5FED B;E5T4ON C P#

#o 0ge &it* 2ra(e

6The per#anent te#ptat on of % fe s to conf$se &rea#s / th rea% t+( Then per#anent &efeat of % fe co#es /hen &rea#s are s$rren&ere& to rea% t+(6
Ba=es 9i(*ener8 0't*or

The narcissist ages /ithout .erc& and /ithout grace. His /ithered ,od& and his o*er/rought .ind ,etra& hi. all at once. He stares /ith incredulit& and rage at cruel .irrors. He refuses to acce%t his gro/ing falli,ilit&. He re,els against his decre%itude and .ediocrit&. Accusto.ed to ,eing a/e!ins%iring and the reci%ient of adulation 0 the narcissist cannot countenance his social isolation and the %athetic figure that he cuts. As a child %rodig&- a se@ s&.,ol- a stud- a %u,lic intellectual- an actor- an idol 0 the narcissist /as at the centre of attention- the e&e of his %ersonal t/ister- a ,lac+ hole /hich suc+ed %eo%le9s energ& and resources dr& and s%at out /ith indifference their .utilated carcasses. No longer. 6ith old age co.es disillusion.ent. Old char.s /ear thin. Ha*ing ,een e@%osed for /hat he is 0 a deceitful- treacherous.alignant egotist 0 the narcissist9s old tric+s no/ fail hi.. Peo%le are on their guard- their gulli,ilit& reduced. The narcissist 0 ,eing the rigid- %recariousl& ,alanced structure that he is 0 can9t change. He re*erts to old for.s- re!ado%ts hoar& ha,its- succu.,s to erst/hile te.%tations. He is .ade a .oc+er& ,& his accentuated denial of

realit&- ,& his o,durate refusal to gro/ u%- an eternal- .alfor.ed child in the sagging ,od& of a deca&ing .an. 4t is the fa,le of the grassho%%er and the ant re*isited. The narcissist 0 the grassho%%er 0 ha*ing relied on su%ercilious stratage.s throughout his life 0 is singularl& ill!ada%ted to life9s rigors and tri,ulations. He feels entitled 0 ,ut fails to elicit Narcissistic 5u%%l&. 6rin+led ti.e .a+es child %rodigies lose their .agic- lo*ers e@haust their %otenc&- %hilanderers /aste their allure- and geniuses .iss their touch. The longer the narcissist li*es 0 the .ore a*erage he ,eco.es. The /ider the gulf ,et/een his %retensions and his acco.%lish.ents 0 the .ore he is the o,(ect of derision and conte.%t. Get- fe/ narcissists sa*e for rain& da&s. 2e/ ,other to stud& a tradeor get a degree- %ursue a career- .aintain a ,usiness- +ee% their (o,sor raise functioning fa.ilies- nurture their friendshi%s- or ,roaden their horiAons. Narcissists are %erenniall& ill!%re%ared. Those /ho succeed in their *ocation- end u% ,itterl& alone ha*ing squandered the lo*e of s%ouse- off!s%ring- and .ates. The .ore gregarious and fa.il&!orientated 0 often flun+ at /or+- lea% fro. one (o, to anotherrelocate erraticall&- fore*er itinerant and %eri%atetic. The contrast ,et/een his &outh and %ri.e and his dila%idated %resent constitutes a %er.anent narcissistic in(ur&. The narcissist retreats dee%er into hi.self to find solace. He /ithdra/s into the %enu.,ral uni*erse of his grandiose fantasies. There 0 al.ost %s&chotic 0 he sal*es his /ounds and co.forts hi.self /ith tro%hies of his %ast. A rare .inorit& of narcissists acce%t their fate /ith fatalis. or good hu.our. These %recious fe/ are healed .&steriousl& ,& the dee%est offence to their .egalo.ania 0 old age. The& lose their narcissis. and confront the outer /orld /ith the %oise and co.%osure that the& lac+ed /hen the& /ere ca%ti*es of their o/ndistorted- narrati*e. 5uch changed narcissists de*elo% ne/- .ore realistic- e@%ectations and ho%es 0 co..ensurate /ith their talents- s+ills- acco.%lish.ents and education. 4ronicall&- it is in*aria,l& too late. The& are a*oided and ignored- rendered trans%arent ,& their chec+ered %ast. The& are %assed o*er for %ro.otion- ne*er in*ited to %rofessional or social

gatherings- cold!shouldered ,& the .edia. The& are snu,,ed and disregarded. The& are ne*er the reci%ients of %er+s- ,enefits- or a/ards. The& are ,la.ed /hen not ,la.e/orth& and rarel& %raised /hen deser*ing. The& are ,eing constantl& and consistentl& %unished for /ho the& /ere. 4t is %oetic (ustice in .ore than one /a&. The& are ,eing treated narcissisticall& ,& their erst/hile *icti.s. The& finall& are tasting their o/n .edicine- the ,itter har*est of their /rath and arrogance.
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2)EB;ENT'G A5FED B;E5T4ON C $#

#*e Inverted Nar(issist

> th contr !$t ons !+ the #e#!ers of the )arc ss s# ? st

#+$ !LINI!0L PI!#;R$ 0N. .$?$L"P9$N#0L R""#S ) "P$NIN2 R$90R7S

#er=inologCo.De&endents Peo%le /ho de%end on other %eo%le for their e.otional gratification and the %erfor.ance of ego or dail& functions. The& are need&de.anding- su,.issi*e. The& fear a,andon.ent- cling and dis%la& i..ature ,eha*iours in their effort to .aintain the Irelationshi%I /ith their co.%anion or .ate u%on /ho. the& de%end. No .atter /hat a,use is inflicted u%on the. 0 the& re.ain in the relationshi%. L5ee also the definition of the De%endent Personalit& Disorder in the Diagnostic and 5tatistical Manual 0 D5M!48!T)- "###M *n"erted Narcissist Also called Ico*ert narcissistI- this is a co!de%endent /ho de%ends e@clusi*el& on narcissists <narcissist!co!de%endent=. 4f &ou are li*ing /ith a narcissist- ha*e a relationshi% /ith one- if &ou are .arried to one- if &ou are /or+ing /ith a narcissist- etc. 0 it does NOT .ean that &ou are an in*erted narcissist. To Iqualif&I as an in*erted narcissist- &ou .ust C)A8E to ,e in a relationshi% /ith a narcissist- regardless of an& a,use inflicted on &ou ,& hi.7her. Gou .ust ACT48E'G see+ relationshi%s /ith narcissists and

ON'G /ith narcissists- no .atter /hat &our <,itter and trau.atic= %ast e@%erience has ,een. Gou .ust feel EMPTG and ;NHAPPG in relationshi%s /ith ANG OTHE) +ind of %erson. Onl& then- and if &ou satisf& the other diagnostic criteria of a De%endent Personalit& Disorder- can &ou ,e safel& la,elled an Iin*erted narcissistI. Introd'(tion The D5M!48!T) uses criteria to define the Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder <NPD=. 4t is sufficient to sho/ signs of $ of the. to ,e diagnosed as a narcissist. Thus- theoreticall&- it is %ossi,le to ha*e NPD /ithout ,eing grandiose. Man& researchers <Ale@ander 'o/en- 3effre& 5atino*er- Theodore Millon and others= suggested a Ita@ono.&I of %athological narcissis.. The& di*ided narcissists to su,!grou%s <*er& .uch as 4 did /ith .& so.atic *ersus cere,ral narcissist dichoto.&=. 'o/en- for instance- tal+s a,out the I%hallicI narcissist *ersus others. 5atino*er and Millon .a+e a *er& i.%ortant distinction ,et/een narcissists /ho /ere raised ,& Iclassicall&I a,usi*e %arents 0 and those /ho /ere raised ,& doting and s.othering or do.ineering .others. ?lenn O. ?a,,ard in IPs&chod&na.ic Ps&chiatr& in Clinical PracticeI LThe D5M!48!T) Edition. Co..ents on Cluster : Personalit& Disorders 0 Narcissistic. A.erican Ps&chiatric Press- 4nc.- "###M /e find this: 6@These cr ter a 4the ,:27IV7T<As5 &ent f+ a certa n " n& of narc ss st c pat ent . spec f ca%%+1 the arro'ant1 !oastf$%1 Ano s+A n& 8 &$a% /ho &e#an&s to !e n the spot% 'ht( 3o/e8er1 the+ fa % to character se the sh+1 -$ et%+ 'ran& ose1 narc ss st c n& 8 &$a% /hose e9tre#e sens t 8 t+ to s% 'hts %ea&s to an ass &$o$s a8o &ance of the spot% 'ht(6 The D5M!444!) alluded to at least t/o t&%es of narcissists- ,ut the D5M!48!T) co..ittee chose to delete this: 6@ nc%$&e& cr ter on1 Areacts to cr t c s# / th fee% n's of ra'e1 sha#e1 or h$# % at on 4e8en not f e9presse&5A &$e to %ac" of Aspec f c t+A(6 Other theoreticians- clinicians and researchers si.ilarl& suggested a di*ision ,et/een Ithe o,li*ious narcissistI <a.+.a. o*ert= and Ithe h&%er*igilant narcissistI <a.+.a. co*ert=.

#*e !o=3ensator- vers's t*e !lassi( Nar(issist Another interesting distinction- suggested ,& Da*e Fell& in his e@cellent PTGPE5 6e, site <htt%:77///.%t&%es.co.= is ,et/een the Co.%ensator& T&%e NPD and the Classic NPD <descri,ed in the D5M! 48!T)=. Here are the Co#pensator+ )*, cr ter a according to Da*e Fell&: 6*ersona% t+ T+pes proposes Co#pensator+ )arc ss st c *ersona% t+ , sor&er as a per8as 8e pattern of $nsta!%e1 co8ert narc ss st c !eha8 o$rs that &er 8e fro# an $n&er%+ n' sense of nsec$r t+ an& /ea"ness rather than fro# 'en$ ne fee% n's of se%f7conf &ence an& h 'h se%f7estee#1 !e' nn n' !+ ear%+ a&$%thoo& an& present n a 8ar et+ of conte9ts1 as n& cate& !+ s 9 4or #ore5 of the cr ter a !e%o/( The !as c tra t of the Co#pensator+ )arc ss st c *ersona% t+ T+pe s a pattern of o8ert%+ narc ss st c !eha8 o$rs 4that5 &er 8e fro# an $n&er%+ n' sense of nsec$r t+ an& /ea"ness1 rather than fro# 'en$ ne fee% n's of se%f7conf &ence an& h 'h se%f7estee#(6 ,The Com&ensatory Narcissistic Personality Ty&e: B :ee"s to create an %%$s on of s$per or t+ an& to !$ %& $p an #a'e of h 'h se%f7/orth 42 %%on5C B :tr 8es for reco'n t on an& prest 'e to co#pensate for the %ac" of a fee% n' of se%f7/orthC B 2a+ Aac-$ re a &eprecator+ att t$&e n /h ch the ach e8e#ents of others are r & c$%e& an& &e'ra&e&A 42 %%on5C B 3as pers stent asp rat ons for '%or+ an& stat$s 42 %%on5C B 3as a ten&enc+ to e9a''erate an& !oast 42 %%on5C B Is sens t 8e to ho/ others react to h #1 /atches an& % stens caref$%%+ for cr t ca% ;$&'e#ent1 an& fee%s s% 'hte& !+ & sappro8a% 42 %%on5C B AIs prone to fee% sha#e& an& h$# % ate& an& espec a%%+ 4an9 o$s5 an& 8$%nera!%e to the ;$&'e#ents of othersA 42 %%on5C B Co8ers $p a sense of na&e-$ac+ an& &ef c enc+ / th pse$&o7 arro'ance an& pse$&o7'ran& os t+ 42 %%on5C B 3as a ten&enc+ to per o& c h+pochon&r a 4For#an5C B A%ternates !et/een fee% n's of e#pt ness an& &ea&ness an& states of e9c te#ent an& e9cess ener'+ 4For#an5C

B Dnterta ns fantas es of 'reatness1 constant%+ str 8 n' for perfect on1 'en $s1 or star&o# 4For#an5C B 3as a h stor+ of search n' for an &ea% se& partner an& has an ntense nee& for aff r#at on an& conf r#at on n re%at onsh ps 4For#an5C B Fre-$ent%+ enterta ns a / shf$%1 e9a''erate& an& $nrea% st c concept of h #se%f1 /h ch he canAt poss !%+ #eas$re $p to 4<e ch5C B *ro&$ces 4too -$ c"%+5 /or" not $p to the %e8e% of h s a! % t es !eca$se of an o8er/he%# n'%+ stron' nee& for the ##e& ate 'rat f cat on of s$ccess 4<e ch5C B Is to$ch+1 -$ c" to ta"e offence at the s% 'htest pro8ocat on1 cont n$a%%+ ant c pat n' attac" an& &an'er1 react n' / th an'er an& fantas es of re8en'e /hen he fee%s h #se%f fr$strate& n h s nee& for constant a&# rat on 4<e ch5C B Is se%f7consc o$s1 &$e to a &epen&ence on appro8a% fro# others 4<e ch5C B :$ffers re'$%ar%+ fro# repet t 8e osc %%at ons of se%f7estee# 4<e ch5C B :ee"s to $n&o fee% n's of na&e-$ac+ !+ forc n' e8er+oneAs attent on an& a&# rat on $pon h #se%f 4<e ch5C B 2a+ react / th se%f7conte#pt an& &epress on to the %ac" of f$%f %#ent of h s 'ran& ose e9pectat ons 4< so5( :o$rces: For#an1 2a9( )arc ss st c , sor&ers an& the 0e& pa% F 9at ons( In Fe%&ste n1 E(E( 4D&(51 The Ann$a% of *s+choana%+s s( Vo%$#e IV( )e/ For": Internat ona% Gn 8ers t es H1976I pp( 65792( 2 %%on1 Theo&ore1 an& <o'er ,( ,a8 s( , sor&ers of *ersona% t+: ,:27 IV an& =e+on&( 2n& D&( )e/ For": > %e+1 H1996I pp( 411712( <e ch1 Ann e1 H1986I( *atho%o' ca% For#s of :e%f7Dstee# <e'$%at on( In 2orr son1 A( *(1 4D&(51 Dssent a% *apers on )arc ss s#( pp( 44760( <epr nt fro# 1960( *s+choana%+t c :t$&+ of the Ch %&( Vo%$#e 151 pp( 205732( < so1 ,on < char&( *ersona% t+ T+pes: Gs n' the Dnnea'ra# for :e%f7 , sco8er+( =oston: 3o$'hton 2 ff% n H1987I pp( 10273(6 ,S&eculati"e Diagnostic Criteria /or Com&ensatory Narcissistic Personality Disorder

A per8as 8e pattern of se%f7 nf%at on1 pse$&o7conf &ence1 e9h ! t on s#1 an& str 8 n's for prest 'e1 that co#pensates for fee% n's of na&e-$ac+ an& %o/ se%f7estee#1 as n& cate& !+ the fo%%o/ n': B *se$&o7conf &ence co#pensat n' for an $n&er%+ n' con& t on of nsec$r t+ an& fee% n's of he%p%essnessC B *retent o$sness1 se%f7 nf%at onC B D9h ! t on s# n the p$rs$ t of attent on1 reco'n t on1 an& '%or+C B :tr 8 n's for prest 'e to enhance se%f7estee#C B ,ece tf$%ness an& #an p$%at 8eness n the ser8 ce of #a nta n n' fee% n's of s$per or t+C B I&ea% sat on n re%at onsh psC B Fra'#entat on of the se%f: fee% n's of e#pt ness an& &ea&nessC B A pro$&1 h$!r st c & spos t onC B 3+pochon&r as sC B :$!stance a!$seC B :e%f7&estr$ct 8eness( Co#pensator+ )arc ss st c *ersona% t+ , sor&er correspon&s to Drnest EonesA narc ss st c AJo& Co#p%e9A1 Ann e <e chAs ACo#pensator+ )arc ss s#A1 3e nK Loh$tAs A)arc ss st c *ersona% t+ , sor&erA1 an& Theo&ore 2 %%onAs ACo#pensator+ )arc ss stA( 2 %%on1 Theo&ore1 an& <o'er ,( ,a8 s( , sor&ers of *ersona% t+: ,:27 IV an& =e+on&( 2n& e&( )e/ For": > %e+1 1996( 411712(6 Co.%are this to the classic t&%e: Narcissistic Personality Ty&e The ,asic trait of the Narcissistic Personalit& T&%e is a %attern of grandiosit&- need for ad.iration- and lac+ of e.%ath&. J )eacts to criticis. /ith feelings of rage- sha.e- or hu.iliationN J 4s inter%ersonall& e@%loiti*e: ta+es ad*antage of others to achie*e his o/n endsN J Has a grandiose sense of self!i.%ortanceN J :elie*es that his %ro,le.s are unique and can ,e understood onl& ,& other s%ecial %eo%leN J 4s %reoccu%ied /ith fantasies of unli.ited success- %o/er,rilliance- ,eaut&- or ideal lo*eN

J Has a sense of entitle.ent: an unreasona,le e@%ectation of es%eciall& fa*oura,le treat.entN J )equires .uch attention and ad.iration of othersN J 'ac+s e.%ath&: fails to recognise and e@%erience ho/ others feelN J 4s %reoccu%ied /ith feelings of en*&. This is .ainl& the D5M!444!) *ie/. Pa& attention to the not so su,tle changes in the D5M!48!T) Lhtt%:77,eha*enet.co.7ca%sules7disorders7narcissistic%d.ht.M. LMore a,out %athological narcissis. here.M #*e Inverted Nar(issist 4t is clear that there is- indeed- an hitherto neglected t&%e of narcissist. 4t is the Iself!effacingI or Iintro*ertedI narcissist. 6e call it the Iin*erted narcissistI <hereinafter: 4N=. Others call it Inarcissist!co! de%endentI or IN!.agnetI </hich erroneousl& i.%lies %assi*it& and *icti.hood=. This is a narcissist /ho- in .an& res%ects- is the .irror i.age of the IclassicalI narcissist. The %s&chod&na.ics of the in*erted narcissist are not clear- nor are its de*elo%.ental roots. Perha%s it is the %roduct of an o*er/eening Pri.ar& O,(ect or caregi*er. Perha%s e@cessi*e a,use leads to the re%ression of e*en the narcissistic and other defence .echanis.s. Perha%s the %arents su%%ress e*er& .anifestation of grandiosit& <*er& co..on in earl& childhood= and of narcissis. 0 so that the narcissistic defence .echanis. is Iin*ertedI and internalised in this unusual for.. These narcissists are self!effacing- sensiti*e- e.otionall& fragileso.eti.es sociall& %ho,ic. The& deri*e all their self!estee. and sense of self!/orth fro. the outside <others=- are %athologicall& en*ious <a transfor.ation of aggression=- are li+el& to inter.ittentl& engage in aggressi*e7*iolent ,eha*iours- are .ore e.otionall& la,ile than the classic narcissist- etc. There are- therefore- three I,asicI t&%es of narcissists: 1. The offspr n' of ne'%ect n' parents 0 The& default to narcissis. as the %redo.inant o,(ect relation </ith the.sel*es as the e@clusi*e lo*e o,(ect=N

". The offspr n' of &ot n' or &o# neer n' parents 4often narc ss sts the#se%8es5 0 The& internalise their %arents9 *oices in the for. of a sadistic- ideal- i..ature 5u%erego and s%end their li*es tr&ing to ,e %erfect- o.ni%otent- o.niscient and to ,e (udged Ia successI ,& these %arent!i.ages and their later re%resentations and su,stitutes <authorit& figures=N O. The offspr n' of a!$s 8e parents 0 The& internalise the a,usingde.eaning and conte.%tuous *oices and s%end their li*es in an effort to elicit Icounter!*oicesI fro. other %eo%le and thus to regulate their la,ile self!estee. and sense of self!/orth. All three t&%es e@%erience recurrent and 5is&%hean failures. 5hielded ,& their defence .echanis.s- the& constantl& gauge realit& /rongl&- their actions and reactions ,eco.e .ore and .ore rigid and the da.age inflicted ,& the. on the.sel*es and on others is e*er greater. The narcissistic %arent see.s to e.%lo& a .&riad %ri.iti*e defences in his dealings /ith his children: 1. :p% tt n' 0 4dealising the child and de*aluing hi. in c&cles- /hich reflect the internal d&na.ics of the %arent rather than an&thing the child does. ". *ro;ect 8e I&ent f cat on 0 2orcing the child to ,eha*e in a /a& /hich *indicates the %arent9s fears regarding hi.self or herselfhis or her self!i.age and his or her self!/orth. This is a %articularl& %o/erful and %ernicious .echanis.. 4f the narcissist %arent fears his o/n deficiencies <IdefectsI=- *ulnera,ilit&%ercei*ed /ea+nesses- susce%ti,ilit&- gulli,ilit&- or e.otions 0 he is li+el& to force the child to IfeelI these re(ected and <to hi.= re%ulsi*e e.otions- to ,eha*e in /a&s strongl& a,horred ,& the %arent- to e@hi,it character traits the %arent strongl& re(ects in hi.self. O. *ro;ect on 0 The child- in a /a&- ,eco.es the Itrash ,inI of the %arents9 inhi,itions- fears- self!loathing- self!conte.%t- %ercei*ed lac+ of self!/orth- sense of inadequac&- re(ected traits- re%ressed e.otions- failures and e.otional reticence. Cou%led /ith the %arent9s treat.ent of the child as the %arent9s e@tension- these %s&chological defences totall& inhi,it the

%s&chological gro/th and e.otional .aturation of the child. The child ,eco.es a reflection of the %arent- a conduit through /hich the %arent e@%eriences and realises hi.self for ,etter <ho%es- as%irationsa.,ition- life goals= and for /orse </ea+nesses- Iundesira,leI e.otions- Inegati*eI traits=. )elationshi%s ,et/een such %arents and their %rogen& easil& deteriorate to se@ual or other .odes of a,use ,ecause there are no functioning ,oundaries ,et/een the.. 4t see.s that the child9s reaction to a narcissistic %arent can ,e either acco..odation and assi.ilation or re(ection. ccommodation and ssimilation The child acco..odates- idealises and internalises <intro(ects= the narcissistic and a,usi*e Pri.ar& O,(ect successfull&. This .eans that the child9s Iinternal *oiceI is also narcissistic and a,usi*e. The child tries to co.%l& /ith its directi*es and /ith its e@%licit and %ercei*ed /ishes. The child ,eco.es a .asterful %ro*ider of Narcissistic 5u%%l&- a %erfect .atch to the %arent9s %ersonalit&- an ideal source- an acco..odating- understanding and caring caterer to all the needs/hi.s- .ood s/ings and c&cles of the narcissist. The child learns to endure de*aluation and idealisation /ith equani.it& and ada%t to the narcissist9s /orld *ie/. The child- in short- ,eco.es the ulti.ate e@tension. This is /hat /e call an in*erted narcissist. 6e .ust not neglect the a,usi*e as%ect of such a relationshi%. The narcissistic %arent al/a&s alternates ,et/een idealisation and de*aluation of his offs%ring. The child is li+el& to internalise the de*aluing- a,usi*e- critical- de.eaning- ,erating- di.inishing.ini.ising- u%,raiding- chastising *oices. The %arent <or caregi*er= goes on to sur*i*e inside the child! turned!adult <as %art of a sadistic and ideal 5u%erego and an unrealistic Ego 4deal=. These *oices are so %o/erful that the& inhi,it e*en the de*elo%.ent of reacti*e narcissis.- the child9s t&%ical defence .echanis.. The child!turned!adult +ee%s loo+ing for narcissists in order to feel /hole- ali*e and /anted. He cra*es to ,e treated ,& a narcissist

narcissisticall&. 6hat others call a,use is- to hi. or her- fa.iliar territor& and constitutes Narcissistic 5u%%l&. To the in*erted narcissistthe classic narcissist is a 5ource of 5u%%l& <Pri.ar& or 5econdar&= and his narcissistic ,eha*iours constitute Narcissistic 5u%%l&. The 4N feels dissatisfied- e.%t& and un/anted /hen not Ilo*edI ,& a narcissist. The roles of Pri.ar& 5ource of Narcissistic 5u%%l& <P5N5= and 5econdar& 5ource of Narcissistic 5u%%l& <55N5= are re*ersed. To the in*erted narcissist- her narcissistic s%ouse is a 5ource of P)4MA)G Narcissistic 5u%%l&. The child can also re(ect the narcissistic %arent rather than acco..odate her or hi.. Re0ection The child .a& react to the narcissis. of the Pri.ar& O,(ect /ith a %eculiar t&%e of re(ection. He de*elo%s his o/n narcissistic %ersonalit&- re%lete /ith grandiosit& and lac+ of e.%ath& 0 ,ut his %ersonalit& is antithetical to that of the narcissistic %arent. 4f the %arent /ere a so.atic narcissist- the child is li+el& to gro/ u% to ,e a cere,ral one. 4f his father %rided hi.self ,eing *irtuous- the son turns out sinful. 4f his narcissistic .other ,ragged a,out her frugalit&- he is ,ound to %rofligatel& flaunt his /ealth. 0n 0tte=3ted .S9-St-le List o> !riteria 4t is %ossi,le to co.%ose a D5M!48!T)!li+e set of criteria for the in*erted narcissist- using the classic narcissist9s as a te.%late. The t/o are- in .an& /a&s- t/o sides of the sa.e coin- or Ithe .ould and the .ouldedI 0 hence the neologis.s I.irror narcissistI or Iin*erted narcissistI. The narcissist tries to .erge /ith an idealised ,ut ,adl& internalised o,(ect. He does so ,& IdigestingI the .eaningful others in his life and transfor.ing the. into e@tensions of his self. He uses *arious techniques to achie*e this. To the IdigestedI- this is the cru@ of the harro/ing e@%erience called Ilife /ith a narcissistI. The in*erted narcissist <4N=- on the other hand- does not atte.%te@ce%t in fantas& or in dangerous- .asochistic se@ual %ractice- to .erge /ith an idealised e@ternal o,(ect. This is ,ecause he so successfull& internalised the narcissistic Pri.ar& O,(ect to the

e@clusion of all else. The 4N feels ill at ease in his relationshi%s /ith non!narcissists ,ecause it is unconsciousl& %ercei*ed ,& hi. to constitute I,etra&alI- IcheatingI- an a,rogation of the e@clusi*it& clause he has /ith the narcissistic Pri.ar& O,(ect. This is the ,ig difference ,et/een narcissists and their in*erted *ersion. Classic narcissists of all stri%es re(ect the Pri.ar& O,(ect in %articular <and o,(ect relations in general= in fa*our of a hand& su,stitute: the.sel*es. 4n*erted narcissists acce%t the <narcissist= Pri.ar& O,(ect and internalise it 0 to the e@clusion of all others <unless the& are %ercei*ed to ,e faithful renditions- re%licas of the narcissistic Pri.ar& O,(ect=. Criterion 1NE *ossesses a r ' & sense of %ac" of se%f7/orth( The classic narcissist has a ,adl& regulated sense of self!/orth. Ho/e*er this is not conscious. He goes through c&cles of self! de*aluation <and e@%eriences the. as d&s%horias=. The 4N9s sense of self!/orth does not fluctuate. 4t is rather sta,le 0 ,ut it is *er& lo/. 6hereas the narcissist de*alues others 0 the 4N de*alues hi.self as an offering- a sacrifice to the narcissist. The 4N %re!e.%ts the narcissist ,& de*aluing hi.self- ,& acti*el& ,erating his o/n achie*e.ents- or talents. The 4N is e@ceedingl& distressed /hen singled out ,ecause of actual acco.%lish.ents or a de.onstration of su%erior s+ills. The in*erted narcissist is co.%elled to filter all of her narcissistic needs through the %ri.ar& narcissist in her life. 4nde%endence or %ersonal autono.& are not %er.itted. The 4N feels a.%lified ,& the narcissist9s running co..entar& <,ecause nothing can ,e acco.%lished ,& the 4N /ithout the a%%ro*al of a %ri.ar& narcissist in their li*es=. Criterion TW1 *re7occ$p e& / th fantas es of $n% # te& s$ccess1 po/er1 !r %% ance an& !ea$t+ or of an &ea% of %o8e(

This is the sa.e as the D5M!48!T) criterion for Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder ,ut- /ith the 4N- it .anifests a,solutel& differentl&- i.e. the cogniti*e dissonance is shar%er here ,ecause the 4N is so a,solutel& and co.%letel& con*inced of their /orthlessness that these fantasies of grandeur are e@tre.el& %ainful IdissonancesI. 6ith the narcissist- the dissonance e@ists on t/o le*els: 1. :et/een the unconscious feeling of lac+ of sta,le self!/orth and the grandiose fantasies". AND ,et/een the grandiose fantasies and realit& <the ?randiosit& ?a%=. 4n co.%arison- the in*erted narcissist can onl& *acillate ,et/een lac+ of self!/orth and realit&. No grandiosit& is %er.itted- e@ce%t in dangerous- for,idden fantas&. This sho/s that the 4N is %s&chologicall& inca%a,le of full& realising her inherent %otentials /ithout a %ri.ar& narcissist to filter the %raise- adulation or acco.%lish.ents through. 5he .ust ha*e so.eone to /ho. %raise can ,e redirected. The dissonance ,et/een the 4N9s certaint& of self!/orthlessness and genuine %raise that cannot ,e deflected is li+el& to e.otionall& derail the in*erted narcissist e*er& ti.e. Criterion T2REE =e% e8es that she s a!so%$te%+ $n7$n -$e an& $n7spec a% 4 (e(1 /orth%ess an& not /orth+ of #er'er / th the fantas se& &ea%5 an& that no one at a%% co$%& $n&erstan& her !eca$se she s nnate%+ $n/orth+ of !e n' $n&erstoo&( The I) !eco#es 8er+ a' tate& the #ore one tr es to $n&erstan& her !eca$se that a%so offen&s a'a nst her r 'hteo$s sense of !e n' proper%+ e9c%$&e& fro# the h$#an race( A sense of /orthlessness is t&%ical of .an& other PDs <as /ell as the feeling that no one could e*er understand the.=. The narcissist hi.self endures %rolonged %eriods of self!de*aluation- self! de%recation and self!efface.ent. This is %art of the Narcissistic C&cle. 4n this sense- the in*erted narcissist is a %artial narcissist. 5he is %er.anentl& fi@ated in a %art of the Narcissistic C&cle- ne*er to e@%erience its co.%le.entar& half: the narcissistic grandiosit& and sense of entitle.ent.

The Irighteous sense of ,eing %ro%erl& e@cludedI co.es fro. the sadistic 5u%erego in concert /ith the Io*er,earing- e@ternall& reinforced- conscienceI. Criterion F13R ,e#an&s anon+# t+ 4 n the sense of see" n' to re#a n e9c%$&e& at a%% costs5 an& s ntense%+ rr tate& an& $nco#forta!%e / th an+ attent on !e n' pa & to her . s # %ar to the :ch Ko & *,( Criterion F*4E Fee%s that she s $n&eser8 n' an& not ent t%e&( 2eels that she is inferior to others- lac+ing- insu,stantial- un/orth&unli+a,le- una%%ealing- unlo*a,le- so.eone to scorn and dis.iss- or to ignore. Criterion S*X Is e9t n'$ sh n'%+ se%f%ess1 sacr f c a%1 e8en $nct$o$s n her nterpersona% re%at onsh ps an& a8o &s the ass stance of others at a%% costs( Can on%+ nteract / th others /hen she can !e seen to !e ' 8 n'1 s$pport 8e1 an& e9pen& n' an $n$s$a% effort to ass st( 5o.e narcissists ,eha*e the sa.e /a& ,ut onl& as a .eans to o,tain Narcissistic 5u%%l& <%raise- adulation- affir.ation- attention=. This .ust not ,e confused /ith the ,eha*iour of the 4N. Criterion SE4EN ?ac"s e#path+( Is ntense%+ att$ne& to othersA nee&s1 !$t on%+ n so far as t re%ates to her o/n nee& to perfor# the re-$ re& se%f7sacr f ce1 /h ch n t$rn s necessar+ n or&er for the I) to o!ta n her )arc ss st c :$pp%+ fro# the pr #ar+ narc ss st( :& contrast- narcissists are ne*er e.%athic. The& are inter.ittentl& attuned to others onl& in order to o%ti.ise the e@traction of Narcissistic 5u%%l& fro. the.. Criterion E*)2T Dn8 es others( Cannot conce 8e of !e n' en8 e& an& !eco#es e9tre#e%+ a' tate& an& $nco#forta!%e f e8en !ro$'ht nto a s t$at on /here co#par son # 'ht occ$r( ?oathes co#pet t on an& a8o &s co#pet t on

at a%% costs1 f there s an+ chance of act$a%%+ / nn n' the co#pet t on1 or !e n' s n'%e& o$t( Criterion N*NE , sp%a+s e9tre#e sh+ness1 %ac" of an+ rea% re%at ona% connect ons1 s p$!% c%+ se%f7effac n' n the e9tre#e1 s nterna%%+ h 'h%+ #ora% st c an& cr t ca% of othersC s a perfect on st an& en'a'es n %en'th+ r t$a% st c !eha8 o$rs1 /h ch can ne8er !e perfect%+ perfor#e& 4o!sess 8e7 co#p$%s 8e1 tho$'h not necessar %+ to the f$%% e9tent e9h ! te& n 0!sess 8e Co#p$%s 8e *ersona% t+ , sor&er5( )ot ons of !e n' n& 8 &$a% st c are anathe#a( #*e Rea(tive Patterns o> t*e Inverted Nar(issist The in*erted narcissist does not suffer fro. a I.ilderI for. of narcissis.. 'i+e the IclassicI narcissists- it has degrees and shades. :ut it is .uch .ore rare and the D5M!48!T) *ariet& is the .ore %re*alent. The in*erted narcissist is lia,le to react /ith rage /hene*er threatened- orS S6hen en*ious of other %eo%le9s achie*e.ents- their a,ilit& to feel /holeness- ha%%iness- re/ards and successes- /hen her sense of self! /orthlessness is di.inished ,& a ,eha*iour- a co..ent- an e*ent/hen her lac+ of self!/orth and *oided self!estee. is threatened. Thus- this t&%e of narcissist .ight sur%risingl& react *iolentl& or /rathfull& to ?OOD things: a +ind re.ar+- a .ission acco.%lished- a re/ard- a co.%li.ent- a %ro%osition- or a se@ual ad*ance. S6hen thin+ing a,out the %ast- /hen e.otions and .e.ories are e*o+ed <usuall& negati*e ones= ,& certain .usic- a gi*en s.ell- or sight. S6hen her %athological en*& leads to an all!%er*asi*e sense of in(ustice and ,eing discri.inated against or de%ri*ed ,& a s%iteful /orld. S6hen she co.es across stu%idit&- a*arice- dishonest&- ,igotr& 0 it is these qualities in herself that all t&%es of narcissists reall& fear and re(ect so *ehe.entl& in others. S6hen she ,elie*es that she failed <and she al/a&s entertains this ,elief=- that she is i.%erfect and useless and /orthless- a good for nothing half!,a+ed creature.

S6hen she realises to /hat e@tent her inner de.ons %ossess herconstrain her life- tor.ent her- defor. her and the ho%elessness of it all. 6hen the in*erted narcissist rages- she ,eco.es *er,all& and e.otionall& a,usi*e. 5he uncannil& s%ots and attac+s the *ulnera,ilities of her target- and .ercilessl& dri*es ho.e the %oisoned dagger of des%air and self!loathing until it infects her ad*ersar&. The cal. after such a stor. is e*en eerier- a thundering silence. The in*erted narcissist regrets her ,eha*iour and ad.its her feelings /hile a%ologising %rofusel&. The in*erted narcissist nurtures her negati*e e.otions as &et another /ea%on of self!destruction and self!defeat. 4t is fro. this re%ressed self!conte.%t and sadistic self!(udge.ent that the narcissistic rage s%rings forth. One i.%ortant difference ,et/een in*erted narcissists and non! narcissists is that the for.er are less li+el& to react /ith PT5D <Post Trau.atic 5tress Disorder= follo/ing the ,rea+!u% of their relationshi%s /ith a their narcissists. The& see. to ,e IdesensitisedI to narcissists ,& their earl& u%,ringing. 6hereas the reactions of nor.al %eo%le to narcissistic ,eha*iour %atterns <and es%eciall& to the s%litting and Pro(ecti*e 4dentification defence .echanis.s and to the idealisation de*aluation c&cles= is shoc+- %rofound hurt and disorientation 0 in*erted narcissists sho/ none of the a,o*e. #*e Li>e o> t*e Inverted Nar(issist The 4N is- usuall&- e@ceedingl& and %ainfull& sh& as a child. Des%ite this social %ho,ia- his grandiosit& <a,sor,ed fro. the %arent= .ight direct hi. to see+ Ili.elightI %rofessions and occu%ations- /hich in*ol*e e@%osure- co.%etition- Istage frightI and social friction. The setting can *ar& fro. the li.ited <fa.il&= to the e@%ansi*e <national .edia= 0 ,ut- /hate*er it is- the result is constant conflict and feelings of disco.fort- e*en terror and e@tre.e e@cite.ent and thrill <Iadrenaline rushI=. This is ,ecause the 4N9s grandiosit& is Ii.%ortedI and not full& integrated. 4t is- therefore- not su%%orti*e of

his IgrandioseI %ursuits <as is the case /ith the narcissist=. On the contrar&- the 4N feels a/+/ard- %itted on the edge of a %reci%icecontri*ed- false and .isleading- not to sa& deceitful. The in*erted narcissist gro/s u% in a stifling en*iron.ent- /hether it is an orthodo@- h&%er!religious- collecti*ist- or traditionalist culturea .ono*alent- I,lac+ and /hiteI- doctrinarian and indoctrinating societ& 0 or a fa.il& /hich .anifests all the a,o*e in a .icrocos. all its o/n. The in*erted narcissist is cast in a negati*e <e.ergent= role /ithin his fa.il&. His Inegati*it&I is attri,uted to her gender- the order of her ,irth- religious- social- or cultural dictates and co..and.entsher Icharacter fla/sI- her relation to a s%ecific %erson or e*ent- her acts or inaction and so on. 4n the /ords of one such 4N: 6In the re% ' o$s c$%t$re I 're/ $p n1 /o#en are :0 s$ppresse&1 the r ro%es are so caref$%%+ restr cte&( The+ are the representat on1 n the f%esh1 of a%% that s s nf$%1 &e'ra& n'1 of a%% that s /ron' / th the /or%&( These are the ne'at 8e 'en&erMc$%t$ra% #a'es that /ere force fe& to $s the ne'at 8e AothernessA of /o#en1 as &ef ne& !+ #en1 /as fe& to #e( I /as so sh+1 / th&ra/n1 $na!%e to rea%%+ re%ate to peop%e at a%% fro# as ear%+ as I can re#e#!er(6 The 4N is su,(ected and e@%osed either to an o*er,earingo*er*alued %arent- or to an aloof- detached- e.otionall& una*aila,le one 0 or to ,oth 0 at an earl& stage of his life. 6I 're/ $p n the sha&o/ of #+ father /ho a&ore& #e1 p$t #e on a pe&esta%1 to%& #e I co$%& &o or !e an+th n' I /ante& !eca$se I /as ncre& !%+ !r 'ht1 =GT1 he ate #e a% 8e1 I /as h s propert+ an& an e9tens on of h #( I a%so 're/ $p / th the #o$nt n' hatre& of #+ narc ss st !rother /ho 'ot none of th s attent on fro# o$r father an& 'ot no attent on fro# o$r #other e ther( 2+ f$nct on /as to #a"e #+ father %oo" /on&erf$% n the e+es of a%% o$ts &ers1 the /on&erf$% parent / th a 'en $s >$n&er" n& as h s %ast ch %&1 an& the on%+ ch %& of the s 9 that he /as ph+s ca%%+ present to ra se fro# the 'et 'o(

The o8er8a%$at on co#! ne& / th !e n' a!;ect%+ 'nore& or ra'e& at !+ h # /hen I steppe& o$t of % ne e8en the t n est ! t1 /as eno$'h to /arp #+ persona% t+(6 The 4N is %re*ented fro. de*elo%ing full!,lo/n secondar& narcissis.. The 4N is so hea*il& %reoccu%ied in his or her %re!school &ears /ith satisf&ing the narcissistic %arent- that the traits of grandiosit& and self!lo*e- e*en the need for Narcissistic 5u%%l&re.ain dor.ant or re%ressed. The 4N si.%l& I+no/sI that onl& the narcissistic %arent can %ro*ide the requisite a.ount of Narcissistic 5u%%l&. The narcissistic %arent is so controlling that an& atte.%t to garner %raise or adulation fro. an& other source </ithout the a%%ro*al of the %arent= is se*erel& %unished ,& s/ift de*aluation and e*en the occasional s%an+ing or a,use <%h&sical- e.otional- or se@ual=. This is a *ital %art of the conditioning that gi*es rise to in*erted narcissis.. 6here the narcissist e@hi,its grandiosit&- the 4N is intensel& unco.forta,le /ith %ersonal %raise- and /ishes to al/a&s di*ert %raise a/a& fro. hi.self onto his narcissist. This is /h& the 4N can onl& trul& feel an&thing /hen she is in a relationshi% /ith another narcissist. The 4N is conditioned and %rogra..ed fro. the *er& ,eginning to ,e the %erfect co.%anion to the narcissist. To feed his Ego- to ,e %urel& his e@tension- to see+ onl& %raise and adulation if it ,rings greater %raise and adulation to her narcissist. #*e Inverted Nar(issistAs S'rvival 2'ide J 'isten attenti*el& to e*er&thing the narcissist sa&s and agree /ith it all. Don9t ,elie*e a /ord of it ,ut let it slide as if e*er&thing is (ust fine- ,usiness as usual. J Offer so.ething a,solutel& unique to the narcissist /hich the& cannot o,tain an&/here else. Also ,e %re%ared to line u% future 5ources of Pri.ar& N5 for &our narcissist ,ecause &ou /ill not ,e 4T for *er& long- if at all. 4f &ou ta+e o*er the %rocuring function for the narcissist- the& ,eco.e that .uch .ore de%endent on &ou /hich .a+es it a ,it tougher for the. to %ull their haught& stuff 0 an ine*ita,ilit&- in an& case.

J :e endlessl& %atient and go /a& out of &our /a& to ,e acco..odating- thus +ee%ing the Narcissistic 5u%%l& flo/ing li,erall&- and +ee%ing the %eace <relati*el& s%ea+ing=. J ?et tre.endous %ersonal satisfaction out of endlessl& gi*ing. This one .a& not ,e attracti*e to &ou- ,ut it is a ta+e it or lea*e it %ro%osition. J :e a,solutel& e.otionall& and financiall& inde%endent of the narcissist. Ta+e /hat &ou need: the e@cite.ent and engulf.ent <i.e.- N5= and refuse to get u%set or hurt /hen the narcissist does or sa&s so.ething du.,. Gelling ,ac+ /or+s reall& /ell ,ut should ,e reser*ed for s%ecial occasions /hen &ou fear &our narcissist .a& ,e on the *erge of lea*ing &ouN the silent treat.ent is ,etter as an ordinar& res%onse- ,ut it .ust ,e de*oid of e.otional content- .ore /ith the air of ,oredo. and I49ll tal+ to &ou later/hen 4 a. good and read&- and /hen &ou are ,eha*ing in a .ore reasona,le fashion.I J 4f &our narcissist is cere,ral and not interested in ha*ing .uch se@- gi*e &ourself a.%le %er.ission to ha*e se@ /ith other %eo%le. Gour cere,ral narcissist is not indifferent to infidelit& so discretion and secrec& is of %ara.ount i.%ortance. J 4f &our narcissist is so.atic and &ou don9t .ind- (oin in on grou% se@ encounters ,ut .a+e sure that &ou choose %ro%erl& for &our narcissist. The& are heedless and *er& undiscri.inating in res%ect of se@ual %artners and that can get *er& %ro,le.atic <se@uall& Trans.itted Diseases ,lac+.ail co.e to .ind=. J 4f &ou are a Ifi@erI /hich .ost in*erted narcissists are- focus on fi@ing situations- %refera,l& ,efore the& ,eco.e IsituationsI. Don9t for one .o.ent delude &ourself that &ou can actuall& fi@ the narcissist 0 it si.%l& /ill not ha%%en. Not ,ecause the& are ,eing stu,,orn 0 the& (ust si.%l& can9t ,e fi@ed. J 4f there is an& fi@ing that can ,e done- it is to hel% &our narcissist ,eco.e a/are of their condition- and <this is *er& i.%ortant= /ith no negati*e i.%lications or accusations in the %rocess at all. 4t is li+e li*ing /ith a %h&sicall& handica%%ed %erson and ,eing a,le to discuss- cal.l&- une.otionall&- /hat the li.itations and ,enefits

of the handica% are and ho/ the t/o of &ou can /or+ /ith these factors- rather than tr&ing to change the.. J 2inall&- and .ost i.%ortant of all for the in*erted narcissist: get to +no/ &ourself. 6hat are &ou getting fro. the relationshi%> Are &ou actuall& a .asochist> 6h& is this relationshi% attracti*e and interesting> Define for &ourself /hat good and ,eneficial things &ou ,elie*e &ou are recei*ing in this relationshi%. Define the things that &ou find har.ful to &ou. De*elo% strategies to .ini.ise the har. to &ourself. Don9t e@%ect that &ou /ill cogniti*el& ,e a,le to reason /ith the narcissist to change /ho the& are. Gou .a& ha*e so.e li.ited success in getting &our narcissist to tone do/n on the reall& har.ful ,eha*iours that affect &ou- /hich e.anate fro. the unchangea,le essence of the narcissist. This can onl& ,e acco.%lished in a *er& trusting- fran+ and o%en relationshi%. The in*erted narcissist can ha*e a reasona,l& good- long lasting relationshi% /ith the narcissist. Gou .ust ,e %re%ared to gi*e &our narcissist a lot of s%ace and lee/a&. Gou don9t reall& e@ist for the. as a full& realised %erson 0 no one does. The& are not full& realised %eo%le so the& cannot %ossi,l& ha*e the s+ills- no .atter ho/ s.art or se@&- to ,e a co.%lete %erson in the sense that .ost adults are co.%lete. So=ati( vers's !ere,ral Inverted Nar(issists The in*erted narcissist is reall& an erst/hile narcissist internalised ,& the 4N. 4ne*ita,l&- /e are li+el& to find a.ong the in*erted the sa.e %ro%ensities- %redilections- %references and inclinations that /e do a.ong %ro%er narcissists. The cere,ral 4N is an 4N /hose source of *icarious Pri.ar& Narcissistic 5u%%l& lies 0 through the .ediu. and .ediation of a narcissist 0 in the e@ercise of his intellectual faculties. A so.atic 4N /ould tend to .a+e use of his ,od&- se@- sha%e or health in tr&ing to secure N5 for IherI narcissist.

The in*erted narcissist feeds on the %ri.ar& narcissist and this is his Narcissistic 5u%%l&. 5o these t/o t&%ologies can essentiall& ,eco.e a self!su%%orting- s&.,iotic s&ste.. 4n realit& though- ,oth the narcissist and the in*erted narcissist need to ,e quite /ell a/are of the d&na.ics of this relationshi% in order to .a+e it /or+ as a successful long!ter. arrange.ent. 4t .ight /ell ,e that this s&.,iosis /ould onl& /or+ ,et/een a cere,ral narcissist and a cere,ral in*ert. The so.atic narcissist9s incessant se@ual dalliances /ould ,e far too threatening to the equani.it& of the cere,ral in*ert for there to ,e .uch chance of this succeedinge*en for a short ti.e. 4t /ould see. that onl& o%%osing t&%es of narcissist can get along /hen t/o classic narcissists are in*ol*ed in a cou%le. 4t follo/ss&llogisticall&- that onl& identical t&%es of narcissist and in*erted narcissist can sur*i*e in a cou%le. 4n other /ords: the ,est- .ost enduring cou%les of narcissist and his in*erted narcissist .ate /ould in*ol*e a so.atic narcissist and a so.atic 4N 0 or a cere,ral narcissist and a cere,ral 4N. !o3ing &it* Nar(issists and Non-Nar(issists The in*erted narcissist is a %erson /ho gre/ u% enthralled ,& the narcissistic %arent. This %arent engulfed and su,su.ed the child9s ,eing to such an e@tent that the child9s %ersonalit& /as irre*oca,l& sha%ed ,& this i..ersion- da.aged ,e&ond ho%e of re%air. The child /as not e*en a,le to de*elo% defence .echanis.s such as narcissis.. The end result is an in*erted narcissistic %ersonalit&. The traits of this %ersonalit& are %ri.aril& e*ident in the conte@t of ro.antic relationshi%s. The child /as conditioned ,& the narcissistic %arent to onl& ,e entitled to feel /hole- useful- ha%%&- and %roducti*e /hen the child aug.ented or .irrored to the %arent the %arent9s 2alse 5elf. As a result the child is sha%ed ,& this engulf.ent and cannot feel co.%lete in an& significant adult relationshi% unless the& are /ith a narcissist. #*e Inverted Nar(issist in Relations*i3 &it* t*e Nar(issist

The in*erted narcissist is dra/n to significant relationshi%s /ith other narcissists in her adulthood. These relationshi%s are usuall& s%ousal %ri.ar& relationshi%s ,ut can also ,e friendshi%s /ith narcissists outside of the %ri.ar& lo*e relationshi%. 4n a %ri.ar& relationshi%- the in*erted narcissist atte.%ts to re! create the %arent!child relationshi%. The 4N thri*es on .irroring to the narcissist his o/n grandiosit& and in so doing the 4N o,tains her o/n Narcissistic 5u%%l& </hich is the de%endence of the narcissist u%on the 4N for their 5econdar& Narcissistic 5u%%l&=. The 4N .ust ha*e this for. of relationshi% /ith a narcissist in order to feel /hole. The 4N goes as far as needed to ensure that the narcissist is ha%%&- cared for- %ro%erl& adored- as she feels is the narcissist9s right. The 4N glorifies and lionises her narcissist- %laces hi. on a %edestal- endures an& and all narcissistic de*aluation /ith cal. equani.it&- i.%er*ious to the o*ert slights of the narcissist. Narcissistic rage is handled deftl& ,& the in*erted narcissist. The 4N is e@ceedingl& ade%t at .anaging e*er& as%ect of her life- tightl& controlling all situations- so as to .ini.ise the %otential for the ine*ita,le narcissistic rages of his narcissist. The 4N /ishes to ,e su,su.ed ,& the narcissist. The 4N onl& feels trul& lo*ed and ali*e in this +ind of relationshi%. The 4N is loath to a,andon her relationshi%s /ith narcissists. The relationshi% onl& ends /hen the narcissist /ithdra/s co.%letel& fro. the s&.,iosis. Once the narcissist has deter.ined that the 4N is of no further use- and /ithholds all Narcissistic 5u%%l& fro. the 4N- onl& then does the 4N reluctantl& .o*e on to another relationshi%. The 4N is .ost li+el& to equate se@ual inti.ac& /ith engulf.ent. This can ,e easil& .isread to .ean that the 4N is hi.self or herself a so.atic narcissist- ,ut it /ould ,e incorrect. The 4N can endure &ears of .ini.al se@ual contact /ith their narcissist and still ,e a,le to .aintain the self!delusion of inti.ac& and engulf.ent. The 4N finds a .&riad of other /a&s to I.ergeI /ith the narcissist- ,eco.ing inti.atel&- though onl& in su%%ort roles- in*ol*ed /ith the narcissist9s ,usiness- career- or an& other acti*it& /here the 4N can feel that the& are needed ,& the narcissist and indis%ensa,le.

The 4N is an e@%ert at doling out Narcissistic 5u%%l& and e*en goes as far as %rocuring Pri.ar& Narcissistic 5u%%l& for their narcissist <e*en /here this .eans finding another lo*er for the narcissist- or %artici%ating in grou% se@ /ith the narcissist=. ;suall& though- the 4N see.s .ost attracted to the cere,ral narcissist and finds hi. easier to .anage than the so.atic narcissist. The cere,ral narcissist is disinterested in se@ and this .a+es life considera,l& easier for the 4N- i.e.- the 4N is less li+el& to IloseI their cere,ral narcissist to another %ri.ar& %artner. A so.atic narcissist .a& ,e %rone to changing %artners /ith greater frequenc& or /ish to ha*e no %artner- %referring to ha*e .ulti%le- casual se@ual relationshi%s of no a%%arent de%th /hich ne*er last *er& long. The 4N regards relationshi%s /ith narcissists as the onl& true and legiti.ate for. of %ri.ar& relationshi%. The 4N is ca%a,le of ha*ing %ri.ar& relationshi%s /ith non!narcissists. :ut /ithout the engulf.ent and the dra.a- the 4N feels unneeded- un/anted and e.otionall& unin*ol*ed. Relations*i3s ,et&een t*e Inverted Nar(issist and Non-Nar(issists The in*erted narcissist can .aintain relationshi%s outside of the s&.,iotic %ri.ar& relationshi% /ith a narcissist. :ut the 4N does not IfeelI lo*ed ,ecause she finds the non!narcissist not IengulfingI or not Ie@citingI. Thus- the 4N tends to de*alue her non!narcissistic %ri.ar& %artner as less /orth& of the 4N9s lo*e and attention. The 4N .a& ,e a,le to sustain a relationshi% /ith a non!narcissist ,& finding other narcissistic s&.,iotic relationshi%s outside of this %ri.ar& relationshi%. The 4N .a&- for instance- ha*e a narcissistic friend or lo*er- to /ho. he %a&s e@traordinar& attention- ignoring the real needs of the non!narcissistic %artner. Consequentl&- the onl& se.i!sta,le %ri.ar& relationshi% ,et/een the 4N and the non!narcissist occurs /here the non!narcissist is *er& eas& going- e.otionall& secure and not needing .uch fro. the 4N at all ,& /a& of ti.e- energ& or co..it.ent to acti*ities requiring the in*ol*e.ent of ,oth %arties. 4n a relationshi% /ith this +ind of non!

narcissist- the 4N .a& ,eco.e a /or+aholic or *er& in*ol*ed in outside acti*ities that e@clude the non!narcissist s%ouse. 4t a%%ears that the in*erted narcissist in a relationshi% /ith a non! narcissist is ,eha*iourall& indistinguisha,le fro. a true narcissist. The onl& i.%ortant e@ce%tion is that the 4N does not rage at his non! narcissist %artner 0 she instead /ithdra/s fro. the relationshi% e*en further. This %assi*e!aggressi*e reaction has ,een noted- though- /ith narcissists as /ell.
IN?$R#$. 0N. "#+$R 0#4PI!0L C P0R#I0L DN"SE N0R!ISSIS#S

Inverted Nar(issists #alk a,o't #*e=selves Com&etition and $Pathological' En"y 6I ha8e a &+na# c that co#es $p / th e8er+ s n'%e person I 'et c%ose to1 /here I fee% e9tre#e%+ co#pet t 8e to/ar& an& en8 o$s of the other person( =$t I &onAt ACT co#pet t 8e1 !eca$se at the 8er+ o$tset1 I see #+se%f as the %oser n the co#pet t on( I /o$%& ne8er &rea# of tr+ n' to !eat the other person1 !eca$se I "no/ &eep n #+ heart that the+ /o$%& / n an& I /o$%& !e $tter%+ h$# % ate&( There are fe/er th n's on earth that fee% /orse to #e than %os n' a contest an& ha8 n' the other person '%oat o8er #e1 espec a%%+ f the+ "no/ ho/ #$ch I care& a!o$t not %os n'( Th s s one th n' that I act$a%%+ fee% 8 o%ent a!o$t( I '$ess I ten& to pro;ect the 'ran& os t+ part of the )*, pac"a'e onto the other person rather than on a Fa%se D'o of #+ o/n( :o #ost of the t #e IA# st$c" n a state of &eep resent#ent an& en8+ to/ar& her( To #e1 sheAs a%/a+s far #ore nte%% 'ent1 % "a!%e1 pop$%ar1 ta%ente&1 se%f7conf &ent1 e#ot ona%%+ &e8e%ope&1 #ora%%+ 'oo&1 an& attract 8e than I a#( An& I rea%%+ hate her for that1 an& fee% h$# % ate& !+ t( :o tAs ncre& !%+ har& for #e to fee% happ+ for th s person /hen she has a s$ccess1 !eca$se IA# o8erco#e / th h$# % at on a!o$t #+se%f( Th s has r$ ne& #an+ a c%ose re%at onsh p( I ten& to 'et th s /a+ a!o$t one person at a t #e1 $s$a%%+ the person /ho s p%a+ n' the ro%e of A#+ !etter ha%fA1 !est fr en&s or %o8ersMpartners( :o tAs not % "e IA# $na!%e to !e happ+ for an+one1 e8er1 or that I en8+ e8er+ person I #eet( I &onAt 'et o!sesse& / th ho/ r ch or !ea$t f$% #o8 e stars are or an+th n' % "e that( It on%+ 'ets pro;ecte& onto th s partner7person1 the person IA# &epen& n' on

the #ost n ter#s of s$pp% es 4attent on1 reass$rance1 sec$r t+1 !$ %& n' $p #+ se%f7estee#1 etc(5@ @The rea%%+ &estr$ct 8e th n' that happens s1 I see her 'ran& ose tra ts as ' 8 n' her the po/er to ha8e an+th n' an& an+one she /ants( :o I fee% a !as c nsec$r t+1 !eca$se /h+ sho$%& she sta+ / th a %oser % "e #e1 /hen sheAs o!8 o$s%+ so o$t of #+ %ea'$eN :o rea%%+1 /hat IA# en8 o$s of s the po/er that a%% that ta%ent1 soc a% a! % t+1 !ea$t+1 etc(1 ' 8es her to ha8e C30ICD: . the cho ce to sta+ or %ea8e #e( >hereas I a# $tter%+ &epen&ent on her( ItAs th s e#ot ona% ne-$a% t+ that I f n& so h$# % at n'(6 6I a'ree / th the n8erte& narc ss st &es 'nat on . so#et #es IA8e ca%%e& #+se%f a Ac%oset narc ss stA( That s1 IA8e nterna% se& the 8a%$e s+ste# of 'ran& os t+1 !$t ha8e not app% e& the 'ran& ose &ent t+ to #+se%f( I !e% e8e I :30G?, =D those 'ran& ose th n's1 !$t at the sa#e t #e1 I "no/ IA# not an& IA# # sera!%e a!o$t t( :o peop%e &onAt th n" of #e as ha8 n' an nf%ate& D'o . an& n&ee& I &onAt . !$t scratch the s$rface1 an& +o$A%% f n& a%% these nf%ate& e9pectat ons( I #ean to sa+ that perhaps the parents s$ppresse& e8er+ #an festat on of 'ran& os t+ 48er+ co##on n ear%+ ch %&hoo&5 an& of narc ss s# . so that the &efence #echan s# that narc ss s# s /as A n8erte&A an& nterna% se& n th s $n$s$a% for#(6 62a+!e there arenAt t/o & screte states 4)*, 8s( Are'$%arA %o/ se%f7 estee#5 . #a+!e tAs #ore of a cont n$$#( An& #a+!e tAs ;$st the &e'ree an& &epth of the pro!%e# that & st n'$ shes one fro# the other( 2+ therap st &escr !es )*, as Athe na! % t+ to %o8e onese%fA( As she &ef nes t1 the Anarc ss st c /o$n&A s a &eep /o$n& n' of the sense of se%f1 the #a'e of onese%f( That &oesnAt #ean that other & sor&ers . or for that #atter1 other % fe stressors . canAt a%so ca$se %o/ se%f7estee#( =$t I th n" )*, I: %o/ se%f7estee#@ ThatAs /hat the & sor&er s rea%%+ a!o$t . an #a'e of +o$rse%f that s profo$n&%+ ne'at 8e1 an& the na! % t+ to atta n a nor#a% an& hea%th+ se%f7 #a'e@6 6Fes1 IA# a s$r8 8or of ch %& a!$se( =$t re#e#!er that not a%% a!$se s a% "e( There are & fferent " n&s of a!$se1 an& & fferent effects( 2+

OOOAs st+%e of a!$se ha& to &o / th tr+ n' to ann h %ate #e as a separate person( It a%so ha& to &o / th the nee& to p$t a%% h s ne'at 8e se%f7 #a'e onto #e . to see n #e /hat he hate& n h #se%f( :o I 'ot to p%a+ the ro%e of the %oser that he secret%+ feare& he /as( I /as f% ppe& !ac" an& forth n those ro%es . so#et #es IA& !e a :o$rce of ): for h #1 an& other t #es I /as the receptac%e of a%% h s pa n an& ra'e( :o#et #es #+ s$ccesses /ere $se& to ref%ect !ac" on h #1 to sho/ off to the rest of the fa# %+( 0ther t #es1 #+ s$ccesses /ere threaten n' to #+ father1 /ho s$&&en%+ feare& that I /as s$per or to h # an& ha& to !e s-$e%che&( I e9per ence e#ot ons that #ost peop%e I "no/ &onAt fee%( 0r #a+!e the+ &o fee% the#1 !$t to far %ess e9tre#e ntens t+( For e9a#p%e1 the en8+ an& co#par sonMco#pet t on I fee% to/ar& others( I '$ess #ost of $s ha8e e9per ence& r 8a%r+1 ;ea%o$s+1 !e n' co#pare& to others( 2ost of $s ha8e fe%t en8+ at anotherAs s$ccess( Fet #ost peop%e I "no/ see# a!%e to o8erco#e those fee% n's to so#e e9tent1 to !e a!%e to f$nct on nor#a%%+( In a co#pet t on1 for e9a#p%e1 the+ #a+ !e &r 8en to &o the r !est so the+ can / n( For #e1 the fear of %os n' an& !e n' h$# % ate& s so ntense that I a8o & co#pet t on co#p%ete%+( I a# terr f e& of sho/ n' peop%e that I care a!o$t &o n' /e%%1 !eca$se tAs so sha# n' for #e f I %ose( :o I $n&erach e8e an& preten& I &onAt care( 2ost peop%e I "no/ #a+ en8+ another personAs 'oo& %$c" or s$ccess1 !$t t &oesnAt pre8ent the# fro# a%so !e n' happ+ for the# an& s$pport n' the#( =$t for #e1 /hen IA# n a co#pet t 8e &+na# c / th so#eone1 I canAt hear a!o$t an+ of the r s$ccesses1 or co#p% #ents the+A8e rece 8e&1 etc( I &onAt e8en % "e to see the person &o n' 'oo& th n's1 % "e !r n' n' Than"s' 8 n' %efto8ers to the s c" o%& '$+ ne9t &oor1 !eca$se those th n's #a"e #e fee% nfer or for not th n" n' of &o n' that #+se%f 4an& not ha8 n' an+one n #+ % fe that IA& &o that for5( ItAs ;$st so ncre& !%+ pa nf$% for #e to see e8 &ence of the other personAs 'oo& -$a% t es1 !eca$se t ##e& ate%+ !r n's $p #+ fee% n' of nfer or t+( I canAt e8en stan& to &ate so#eone1 /ho %oo"s rea%%+ 'oo&1 !eca$se IA# ;ea%o$s of the r 'oo& %oo"sP :o th s &eep an& o!sess 8e en8+ has &estro+e& #+ ;o+ n other peop%e( A%% the th n's a!o$t other peop%e that I %o8e an& ta"e p%eas$re n s a &o$!%e7e&'e& s/or& !eca$se I a%so

hate the# for t1 for ha8 n' those 'oo& -$a% t es 4/h %e1 pres$#a!%+1 I &onAt5( I &onAt "no/ . &o +o$ th n" th s s 'ar&en78ar et+ %o/ se%f7estee#N I "no/ p%ent+ of peop%e /ho s$ffer fro# %ac" of conf &ence1 fro# t # & t+1 soc a% a/"/ar&ness1 hatre& of the r !o&+1 fee% n' $n%o8a!%e1 etc( =$t the+ &onAt ha8e th s " n& of host %e1 corros 8e resent#ent of another person for !e n' a%% the /on&erf$% th n's that the+ canAt !e1 or arenAt a%%o/e& to !e1 etc( An& one th n' I hate s /hen peop%e are ;$&'e#enta% of #e a!o$t ho/ I fee%1 as tho$'h I can he%p t( ItAs % "e1 AFo$ sho$%&nAt !e so se%f sh1 +o$ sho$%& fee% happ+ for her that sheAs s$ccessf$%A1 etc( The+ &onAt $n&erstan& that I /o$%& %o8e to fee% those th n's1 !$t I canAt( I canAt stop the ncre& !%e pa n that e9p%o&es n #e /hen these fee% n's 'et tr ''ere&1 an& I often canAt e8en 3I,D the fee% n's( ItAs ;$st so o8er/he%# n'( I fee% so &a#a'e& so#et #es( ThereAs #ore1 !$t thatAs the cr$9 of t for #e1 an+/a+(6 )etting Com&liments 6I %o8e 'ett n' co#p% #ents an& re/ar&s1 an& &o not react ne'at 8e%+ to the#( In so#e #oo&s1 /hen #+ se%f7hate has 'otten tr ''ere&1 I can so#et #es 'et to p%aces /here IA# nconso%a!%e1 !eca$se I 'et st$c" n ! tterness an& se%f7p t+1 an& so I &o$!t the s ncer t+ or the re% a! % t+ of the 'oo& th n' that so#eone s sa+ n' to #e 4to tr+ to cheer #e $p or /hate8er5( =$t1 f IA# n a reasona!%e #oo& an& so#eone offers #e so#eth n' 'oo&1 IA# a%% too happ+ to accept tP I &onAt ha8e a sta"e n sta+ n' # sera!%e(6 The Partiality o/ the Condition 6I &o a'ree that tAs 4at+p ca% or n8erte& narc ss s#5 not 2I?,D<( =$t ho/ I see t s that tAs *A<TIA?( The part thatAs there s ;$st as &estr$ct 8e as t s n the t+p ca% narc ss st( =$t there are parts # ss n' fro# that tota%1 f$%%7!%o/n & sor&er . an& I see that as hea%th+1 act$a%%+( I see t as parts of #+se%f that >D<D)AT nfecte& !+ the patho%o'+1 that are st %% ntact( In #+ case1 I & & not &e8e%op the o8er/een n' D'o part of the & sor&er( :o n a sense1 /hat +o$ ha8e / th #e s the na"e& patho%o'+1 / th no co8er n': no s$a8eness1 no char#1 no char s#a1 no conf &ence1 no pers$as 8eness1 !$t a%so no e9c$ses1 no % es1 no ;$st f cat ons for #+

fee% n's( E$st the $'%+ se%f7hate1 for a%% to see( An& the se%f7hate part s ;$st as !a& as t s / th a f$%%7!%o/n narc ss st1 so a'a n1 tAs not # %&er( =$t !eca$se I &onAt ha8e the &en a% part of the & sor&er1 I ha8e a %ot #ore ns 'ht1 a %ot #ore #ot 8at on to &o so#eth n' a!o$t #+ pro!%e#s 4 (e(1 I Ase%f7referA to therap+51 an& therefore1 I th n"1 a %ot #ore hope of 'ett n' !etter than peop%e /hose &efence n8o%8es tota%%+ &en+ n' the+ e8en ha8e a pro!%e#(6 6>hen #+ f$%%7!%o/n OOOAs patho%o' ca% en8+ /o$%& 'et tr ''ere&1 he /o$%& respon& !+ p$tt n' &o/n the person he /as en8 o$s of . or !+ p$tt n' &o/n the acco#p% sh#ent tse%f1 or /hate8er 'oo& st$ff the other person ha&( 3eA& tr 8 a% se t1 or o$tr 'ht contra& ct t1 or f n& so#e /a+ to con8 nce the other person 4often #e5 that the th n' the+Are fee% n' 'oo& a!o$t snAt rea%1 or snAt /orth/h %e1 or s so#eho/ !a&1 etc( 3e co$%& &o th s !eca$se the nf%ate& e'o &efence /as f$%%+ for#e& an& operat n' / th h #( >hen 2F patho%o' ca% en8+ 'ets tr ''ere&1 I / %% !e !%$nt%+ honest a!o$t t( IA%% sa+ so#eth n' se%f7p t+ n'1 s$ch as: AFo$ a%/a+s 'et the 'oo& st$ff1 an& I 'et noth n'AC AFo$Are so #$ch !etter than IAC A*eop%e % "e +o$ !etter . +o$ ha8e 'oo& soc a% s" %%s an& IA# a ;er"AC an& so on( 0r I # 'ht e8en 'et host %e an& sarcast c: A>e%%1 t #$st !e n ce to ha8e so #an+ peop%e /orsh pp n' +o$1 snAt tNA I &onAt tr+ to con8 nce #+se%f that the other personAs s$ccess snAt rea% or /orth/h %e1 etc( Instea&1 IA# tota%%+ f%oo&e& / th the pa n of fee% n' $tter%+ nfer or an& /orth%ess . an& thereAs no /a+ for #e to con8 nce #+se%f or an+one e%se other/ se( IA# not sa+ n' that the th n's I sa+ are p%easant to hear . an& t s st %% #an p$%at 8e of #e to sa+ the#1 !eca$se the other personAs attent on s &ra/n a/a+ fro# the r ;o+ an& onto #+ pa n an& host % t+( An& nstea& of &o$!t n' the r s$ccessAs /orth or rea% t+1 the+ fee% '$ %t+ a!o$t t1 or a!o$t ta%" n' a!o$t t1 !eca$se t h$rts #e so #$ch( :o fro# the other personAs po nt of 8 e/1 #a+!e tAs not an+ eas er to % 8e / th a part a% narc ss st than / th a f$%%7!%o/n1 n that the r ;o+s an& s$ccesses %ea& to pa n n !oth cases( ItAs certa n%+ not eas er for #e1 !e n' f%oo&e& / th ra'e an& pa n nstea& of !e n' a!%e to h &e !eh n& a &e%$s on of 'ran&e$r( =$t fro# #+ therap stAs po nt of 8 e/1 IA# #$ch !etter off !eca$se I "no/ IA# $nhapp+ . tAs n #+ face

a%% the t #e( :o IA# #ot 8ate& to /or" on t an& chan'e t( An& t #e has !orne her /or&s o$t( 08er the past se8era% +ears that IA8e /or"e& on th s ss$e1 I ha8e chan'e& a 'reat &ea% n ho/ I &ea% / th t( )o/ /hen the en8+ 'ets tr ''ere&1 I &onAt fee% so ent/ ne& / th the other person . I reco'n se that tAs #+ 0>) pa n 'ett n' tr ''ere&1 not so#eth n' the+ are &o n' to #e( An& so I can ac"no/%e&'e the pa n n a #ore respons !%e /a+1 ta" n' o/nersh p of t !+ sa+ n'1 AThe ;ea%o$s+ fee% n's are 'ett n' tr ''ere& a'a n1 an& IA# fee% n' /orth%ess an& nfer or( Can +o$ reass$re #e that IA# notNA ThatAs a %ot !etter than #a" n' so#e sn &e1 host %e1 or se%f7p t+ n' co##ent that p$ts the other person on the &efens 8e or #a"es the# fee% '$ %t+@ I &o prefer the ter# Apart a%A !eca$se thatAs /hat t fee%s % "e to #e( ItAs % "e a !$ %& n' thatAs part a%%+ !$ %t . the ho$se of narc ss s#( For #e1 the str$ct$re s there1 !$t not the o$ts &e1 so +o$ can see ns &e the s"e%eton to a%% the ;$n" thatAs ns &e( ItAs the sa#e ;$n" thatAs ns &e a f$%%7!%o/n narc ss st1 !$t the r !$ %& n' s co#p%ete&1 so +o$ canAt see ns &e( The r !$ %& n' s a fortress1 an& tAs a%#ost #poss !%e to !r n' t &o/n( 2+ &efences arenAt as stron' @ /h ch #a"es #+ % fe #ore & ff c$%t n so#e /a+s !eca$se I <DA??F fee% #+ pa n( =$t t a%so #eans that the ho$se can !e !ro$'ht &o/n #ore eas %+1 an& the ;$n" ns &e c%eane& o$t@6 Thin5ing a+out the Past and the World 6I &onAt $s$a%%+ 'et ra'ef$% a!o$t the past( I fee% sort of e#ot ona%%+ c$t7off fro# the past1 act$a%%+( I re#e#!er e8ents 8er+ c%ear%+1 !$t $s$a%%+ canAt re#e#!er the fee% n's( >hen I &o re#e#!er the fee% n's1 #+ react on s $s$a%%+ one of sa&ness1 an& so#et #es of re% ef that I can 'et !ac" n to$ch / th #+ past( =$t not ra'e( A%% #+ ra'e see#s to 'et & sp%ace& on the c$rrent peop%e n #+ % fe(6 6@>hen I see so#eone !e n' rea%%+ soc a%%+ a/"/ar& an& 'ee"+1 pass 8e7a''ress 8e1 n& rect an& 8 ct #7% "e1 t &oes tr ''er an'er n #e !eca$se I &ent f+ / th that person an& I &onAt /ant to( I tr+ to p$t #+ ne'at 8e fee% n's onto the#1 to see that person as the ;er"1 not #e . thatAs /hat a narc ss st &oes1 after a%%( =$t for #e t &oesnAt co#p%ete%+ /or" !eca$se I "no/1 consc o$s%+1 /hat IA# tr+ n' to &o( An& $%t #ate%+1 IA# not " && n' an+one1 %east of a%% #+se%f(6

Sel/.Pity and De&ression 62ore se%f7p t+ an& &epress on here . not so #$ch ra'e( 0ne of the th n's that tr ''ers #+ ra'e #ore than an+th n' e%se s the na! % t+ to contro% another person1 the na! % t+ to &o# nate the# an& force #+ rea% t+ on the#( I fee% #potent1 h$# % ate&1 force& !ac" on #+ e#pt+ se%f( *art of /hat IA# fee% n' here s en8+: that person /ho canAt !e contro%%e& c%ear%+ has a se%f an& I &onAt1 an& I ;$st hate the# for t( =$t tAs a%so a po/er str$''%e . I /ant to 'et )arc ss st c :$pp%+ !+ !e n' n contro% an& on top an& ha8 n' the other person s$!# ss 8e an& co#p% ant@6 Regretting6 dmitting (ista5es 6I re'ret #+ !eha8 o$r horr !%+1 an& I ,0 a&# t #+ fee% n's( I a# a%so a!%e1 n the after#ath1 to ha8e e#path+ for the fee% n's of the person IA8e h$rt1 an& IA# horr !%+ sa& a!o$t t1 an& asha#e& of #+se%f( ItAs as tho$'h IA& !een possesse& !+ a &e#on1 acte& o$t a%% th s a!$s 8e horr !%e st$ff1 an& then1 after the &epart$re of the &e#on1 IA# !ac" n #+ r 'ht # n& an& tAs % "e1 A>hat ha8e I ,0)DNNNA I &onAt #ean IA# not respons !%e for /hat I & & 4 (e(1 a &e#on #a&e #e &o t5( =$t /hen IA# tr ''ere&1 I ha8e no e#path+ . I can on%+ see #+ pro;ect on onto that person1 as a h$'e threat to #e1 so#eone /ho #$st !e &e#o% she&( =$t /hen #+ hea& c%ears1 I see that personAs pa n1 h$rt1 fear . an& I fee% terr !%e( I /ant to #a"e t $p to the#( An& that fee% n' s tota%%+ s ncere . tAs not an act( IA# 'en$ ne%+ sorr+ for the pa n IA8e ca$se& the other person(6 Rage 6I /o$%&nAt sa+ that #+ ra'e co#es fro# represse& se%f7conte#pt 4# ne s not represse& . IA# tota%%+ a/are of t5( An& tAs not # ss n' atone#ent e ther1 s nce I &o atone( The ra'e co#es fro# fee% n' h$# % ate&1 fro# fee% n' that the other person has so#eho/ sa& st ca%%+ an& '%eef$%%+ #a&e #e fee% nfer or1 that the+Are 'ett n' off on !e n' s$per or1 that the+Are #oc" n' #e an& r & c$% n' #e1 that the+ ha8e scorn an& conte#pt for #e an& f n& t a%% 8er+ a#$s n'( That . /hether rea% or #a' ne& 4$s$a%%+ #a' ne&5 . s /hat ca$ses #+ ra'e(6

Pursuing Relationshi&s !ith Narcissists 6There are so#e 8er+ fe/ of $s /ho act$a%%+ see" o$t re%at onsh ps / th narc ss sts( >e &o th s / th the f$%% "no/%e&'e that /e are not /ante&1 &esp se& e8en( >e pers st an& p$rs$e no #atter the conse-$ences1 no #atter the cost( I a# an A n8erte& narc ss stA( It s !eca$se as a ch %& I /as A #pr nte&Mf 9ate&A / th a part c$%ar pattern n8o%8 n' re%at onsh ps( I /as en'$%fe& so co#p%ete%+ !+ #+ fatherAs persona% t+ an& represse& so se8ere%+ !+ 8ar o$s other factors n #+ ch %&hoo& that I s #p%+ & &nAt &e8e%op a reco'n sa!%e persona% t+( I e9 ste& p$re%+ as an e9tens on of #+ father( I /as h s 'en $s >$n&er" n&( 3e 'nore& #+ #other an& po$re& a%% h s ener'+ an& effort nto #e( I & & not &e8e%op f$%%7!%o/n secon&ar+ narc ss s#@ I &e8e%ope& nto the perfect Aother ha%fA of the narc ss sts #o$%& n' #e( I !eca#e the perfect1 ea'er co7&epen&ent( An& th s s an #pr nt1 a pattern n #+ ps+che1 a /a+ of 4not5 re%at n' to the /or%& of re%at onsh ps !+ on%+ !e n' a!%e to tr$%+ re%ate to one person 4#+ father5 an& then one " n& of person . the narc ss st( 3e s #+ perfect %o8er1 #+ perfect #ate1 a f t that s so s% c" an& s#ooth1 so co#forta!%e an& effort%ess1 so f %%e& / th #ean n' an& act$a% fee% n's . thatAs the other th n'( I cannot fee% on #+ o/n( I a# nco#p%ete( I can on%+ fee% /hen I a# en'$%fe& !+ another 4f rst t /as #+ father5 an& no/ . /e%% no/ t has to !e a narc ss st( )ot ;$st an+ narc ss st e ther( 3e #$st !e e9cee& n'%+ s#art1 'oo& %oo" n'1 ha8e a&e-$ate repro&$ct 8e e-$ p#ent an& so#e "no/%e&'e on ho/ to $se t an& thatAs a!o$t t( >hen I a# en'$%fe& !+ so#eone % "e th s I fee% co#p%ete&1 I can act$a%%+ FDD?( I a# /ho%e a'a n( I f$nct on as a s !+%1 an orac%e1 an e9tens on of the narc ss st( 3 s f ercest protector1 h s p$r8e+orMproc$rer of ):1 the secretar+1 or'an ser1 #ana'er1 etc( I th n" +o$ 'et the p ct$re an& th s ' 8es #e I)TD):D *?DA:G<D( :o the ans/er to +o$r -$est on: A>h+ /o$%& an+one /ant to !e / th so#eone /ho &oesnAt /ant the# !ac"NA The short ans/er s1 A=eca$se there s no one e%se re#ote%+ /orth %oo" n' at(A6 (a5ing mends

6I #ost%+ apo%o' se1 an& I ' 8e the person space to ta%" a!o$t /hat h$rt the# so that 415 the+ 'et to e9press the r an'er or h$rt to #e1 an& 425 I can $n&erstan& !etter an& "no/ !etter ho/ not to h$rt the# 4 f I can a8o & t5 the ne9t t #e thereAs a conf% ct( :o#et #es the h$rt I ca$se s $n ntent ona% . #a+!e IA8e !een nsens t 8e or for'etf$% or so#eth n'1 n /h ch case I fee% #ore certa n that I can a8o & repeat n' the h$rtf$% !eha8 o$r1 s nce I & &nAt /ant to h$rt the# n the f rst p%ace( If the h$rt I ca$se& has to &o / th #+ 'ett n' #+ tr ''er p$%%e& an& 'o n' nto a ra'e1 then that h$rt /as -$ te &e% !erate1 a%tho$'h at the t #e I /as $na!%e to e9per ence the other person as 8$%nera!%e or capa!%e of !e n' h$rt !+ #e( An& I &o rea% se that f that tr ''er s p$%%e& a'a n1 t # 'ht happen a'a n( =$t I a%so hope that thereA%% !e a ?ITT?D TI)F / n&o/ /here the #e#or+ of the con8ersat on / %% co#e !ac" to #e /h %e IA# n #+ ra'e1 an& IA%% re#e#!er that the person rea%%+ I: 8$%nera!%e( I hope that !+ hear n' o8er an& o8er that the person act$a%%+ &oes fee% h$rt !+ /hat I sa+ /h %e n ra'es1 that I # 'ht re#e#!er that /hen I a# tr ''ere& an& ra' n'( :o1 #ost%+ I apo%o' se an& tr+ to co##$n cate / th the other person( I &onAt 8er!a%%+ se%f7 f%a'e%%ate1 !eca$se thatAs #an p$%at 8e( )ot to sa+ I ne8er &o that . n fact IA8e ha& a &+na# c / th peop%e /here I 8er!a%%+ p$t #+se%f &o/n an& tr+ to en'a'e the other person nto ar'$ n' #e o$t of t( =$t f IA# n the # &&%e of apo%o' s n' to the other person for h$rt n' the#1 then I fee% % "e th s s the r #o#ent1 an& I &onAt /ant to t$rn the foc$s to/ar& 'ett n' the# to tr+ to #a"e #e fee% !etter( I / %% ta%" a!o$t #+se%f1 !$t on%+ n an atte#pt to co##$n cate1 so that /e can $n&erstan& each other !etter( I # 'ht sa+1 AI 'ot tr ''ere& a!o$t s$ch7an&7s$ch1 an& +o$ see#e& so n8$%nera!%e that t enra'e& #eA1 etc( . an& the other person # 'ht react / th1 A=$t I /as fee% n' 8$%nera!%e1 I ;$st co$%&nAt sho/ tA1 etc( . an& /eA%% 'o !ac" an& forth % "e that( :o tAs not % "e I &onAt th n" #+ fee% n's co$nt1 an& I &o /ant the other person to G),D<:TA), #+ fee% n's1 !$t I &onAt /ant to p$t the other person n the ro%e of ta" n' care of #+ fee% n's n that #o#ent1 !eca$se the+ ha8e ;$st !een h$rt !+ #e an& IA# tr+ n' to #a"e t $p to the#1 not s-$eeKe #ore st$ff 0GT of the#@6 6:o /hen IA8e !een a rea% ;er" to so#eone1 I /ant the# to fee% % "e tAs 0L to !e p sse& off at #e1 an& I /ant the# to "no/ that I a#

ntereste& n an& foc$se& on ho/ the+ fee%1 not ;$st on ho/ I fee%( As for ' fts . I $se& to &o that1 !$t e8ent$a%%+ I ca#e to fee% that that /as #an p$%at 8e1 too1 that t #$&&%e& th n's !eca$se then the other person /o$%& fee% % "e the+ co$%&nAt !e an'r+ an+#ore1 s nce after a%%1 IA8e ;$st !ro$'ht the# th s n ce ' ft( I a%so fee% that n 'enera%1 ' ft7 ' 8 n' s a s/eet an& ten&er th n' to &o1 an& I &onAt /ant to s$%%+ that ten&erness !+ assoc at n' t / th the h$rt that co#es fro# a!$s 8e !eha8 o$r(6 Why Narcissists7 6I a# =GI?T th s /a+( I #a+ ha8e o8erstate& t !+ sa+ n' that I ha8e Ano cho ceA !eca$se1 n fact I &o( The cho ce s . % 8e n an e#ot ona%%+ &ea&ene& #onochro#e /or%& /here I can reasona!%+ nteract / th nor#a% peop%e 0< I can choose to !e / th a narc ss st n /h ch case #+ /or%& s Techn co%or1 e#ot ona%%+ sat sf+ n'1 a% 8e an& /on&ro$s 4a%so can !e t$r!$%ent an& a rea% ro%%er coaster r &e for the $nprepare&1 not to #ent on ncre& !%+ &a#a' n' for peop%e /ho are not n8erte& narc ss sts an& /ho fa%% nto re%at onsh ps / th narc ss sts5( As I ha8e /a%"e& on !oth s &es of the street1 an& !eca$se I ha8e &e8e%ope& cop n' #echan s#s that protect #e rea%%+ -$ te /e%%1 I can reasona!%+ safe%+ en'a'e n a pr #ar+1 nt #ate re%at onsh p / th a narc ss st / tho$t 'ett n' h$rt !+ t( The rea% >3F of t a%% s that I %earne&1 as a +o$n' ch %&1 that !e n' Aeaten a% 8eA !+ a narc ss st parent1 to the po nt /here +o$r e9 stence s !$t an e9tens on of h s o/n1 /as ho/ a%% re%at onsh ps o$'ht to /or"( It s a ps+cho%o' ca% #pr nt . #+ A%o8e #apA1 t s /hat fee%s r 'ht to #e ntr ns ca%%+( A pattern of % 8 n' . I &onAt "no/ ho/ e%se to &escr !e t so +o$ an& others / %% $n&erstan& ho/ 8er+ nat$ra% an& nor#a% th s s for #e( It s not the tort$ro$s e9 stence that #ost of the s$r8 8ors of narc ss s# are reco$nt n' on th s % st( 2+ e9per ences / th narc ss sts1 to #e1 A<D )0<2A? for #e( Co#forta!%e % "e an o%& pa r of s% ppers that f t perfect%+( I &onAt e9pect #an+ peop%e to atte#pt to &o th s1 to A#a"e the#se%8es ntoA th s " n& of person( I &onAt th n" an+one co$%&1 f the+ tr e&( It s #+ nee& to !e en'$%fe& an& #er'e& that &r 8es #e to these re%at onsh ps an& /hen I 'et those nee&s #et I fee% #ore nor#a%1

!etter a!o$t #+se%f( I a# the o$ter e9tens on of the narc ss st( In #an+ /a+s I a# a 8an'$ar&1 a p$!% c t/o7/a+ /arn n' s+ste#1 f erce%+ &efen& n' #+ narc ss st fro# har#1 an& f erce%+ %o+a% to h #1 cater n' to h s e8er+ nee& n or&er to protect h s fra' %e e9 stence( These are the &+na# cs of #+ part c$%ar 8ers on of en'$%f#ent( I &onAt nee& an+one to ta"e care of #e( I nee& on%+ to !e nee&e& n th s 8er+ part c$%ar /a+1 !+ a narc ss st /ho ne8 ta!%+ possesses the a! % t+ to en'$%f n a /a+ that nor#a%1 f$%%+ rea% se& a&$%ts cannot( It s so#e/hat para&o9 ca% . I fee% freer an& #ore n&epen&ent / th a narc ss st than / tho$t one( I ach e8e #ore n #+ % fe /hen I a# n th s for# of re%at onsh p( I tr+ har&er1 /or" har&er1 a# #ore creat 8e1 th n" !etter of #+se%f1 e9ce% n #ost e8er+ aspect of #+ % fe(6 6@I 'o ahea& an& cater to h # an& preten& that h s /or&s &onAt h$rt1 an& %ater1 I en'a'e n an nterna% f 'ht / th #+se%f for !e n' so &a#ne& s$!# ss 8e( ItAs a constant !att%e an& I canAt see# to &ec &e /h ch 8o ce n #+ hea& I sho$%& % sten to@ I fee% % "e a foo%1 +et1 I /o$%& rather !e a foo% / th h # than a %one%+1 /e%%7ro$n&e& /o#an / tho$t h #( IA8e often sa & that the on%+ /a+ that /e can sta+ to'ether s !eca$se /e fee& off of each other( I ' 8e h # e8er+th n' he nee&s an& he ta"es t( :ee n' h # happ+ an& p%ease& s /hat ' 8es #e p%eas$re( I fee% 8er+ s$ccessf$% then(6 Partial NPD 6I &o th n" tAs $nco##on for ' r%s to &e8e%op these patterns1 as the+ are $s$a%%+ tra ne& to !e se%f7effac n'( I certa n%+ /asP 3o/e8er1 I ha8e a %ot of the 8er+ sa#e $n&er%+ n' patterns that f$%%7!%o/n1 o!no9 o$s%+ e'ot st ca% )*As ha8e1 !$t I a# not e'ot st ca% !eca$se I & &nAt &e8e%op the pattern of nf%ate& D'o an& 'ran& os t+( A%% the rest of t s there1 tho$'h: fra' %e D'o1 %ac" of a centre or se%f1 s$per7sens t 8e to cr t c s# an& re;ect ons1 patho%o' ca%1 o!sess 8e en8+1 co#par sons an& co#pet t 8e att t$&es to/ar& others1 a !e% ef that e8er+one n the /or%& s e ther s$per or or nfer or to #e1 an& so on( :o#et #es I " n& of / sh I ha& &e8e%ope& the nf%ate& D'o of a co#p%ete )*1 !eca$se then I /o$%& at %east !e a!%e to h &e fro# a%% the pa n I fee%( =$t at the sa#e t #e1 IA# '%a& I & &nAt1 !eca$se those peop%e ha8e a #$ch %o/er chance of reco8er+ . ho/ can the+ reco8er f

the+ &onAt ac"no/%e&'e an+th n' s /ron'N >hereas tAs prett+ c%ear to #e I ha8e pro!%e#s1 an& IA8e spent #+ % fe /or" n' on the# an& tr+ n' to chan'e #+se%f an& hea%(6 Narcissist.Non Narcissist nd Narcissist.*n"erted Narcissist Cou&les 6Can a ) an& a non7) e8er #a nta n a %on' %ast n' #arr a'eN It /o$%& see# that a non7) /o$%& ha8e too #$ch se%f7estee# to %en& h #se%f to a % fet #e of cater n' an& pan&er n' to an )As $nen& n' nee& for $nearne& a&orat on an& '%or+( I1 as a non7)@ 'ot t re& of these peop%e an& the r $nre# tt n' atte#pts to &ra n #+ ps+che / th n a re%at 8e%+ short per o& of t #e an& a!an&one& the# as soon as I rea% se& /hat I /as &ea% n' / th to preser8e #+ o/n san t+(6 6It &epen&s on the non7narc ss st1 rea%%+( )arc ss s# s a <IJI,1 s+ste# c pattern of responses( It s so a%%7per8as 8e an& a%%7 enco#pass n' that t s a *D<:0)A?ITF & sor&er( If the non7narc ss st s co7&epen&ent1 for nstance1 then the narc ss st s a perfect #atch for h # an& the $n on / %% %ast@6 6Fo$ ha8e to p #p for the narc ss st1 nte%%ect$a%%+1 an& se9$a%%+( If +o$r narc ss st s so#at c1 +o$ are #$ch !etter off % n n' $p the se9 partners than %ea8 n' t to h #( Inte%%ect$a% p #p n' s #ore 8ar e&( Fo$ can th n" of /on&erf$% th n's an& then s$!t%+ str n' o$t the &ea1 n the #ost &e% cate of pac"a'es an& /atch the narc ss st co' tate the r /a+ to Athe rA !r %% ant & sco8er+ /h %st +o$ !as" n the '%o/ of the r perfect on an& s$ccess@ The po nt of th s ent re e9erc se s to ass$re F0G< s$pp%+1 /h ch s the narc ss st h #se%f1 not to p$n sh +o$rse%f !+ ' 8 n' a/a+ a 'reat &ea or a!ase +o$rse%f !eca$se1 of co$rse1 F0G are not /orth+ of ha8 n' s$ch a 'reat &ea on +o$r o/n . !$t /ho "no/s1 t #a+ see# that /a+ to the n8erte& narc ss st( It rea%%+ &epen&s on ho/ se%f7a/are the n8erte& s(6 6The on%+ re;ect on +o$ nee& to fear s the poss ! % t+ of %os n' the narc ss st an& f one s &o n' e8er+th n' e%se r 'ht1 th s s 8er+ $n% "e%+ to happenP :o !+ Ae#ot ona%%+ n&epen&entA I a# ta%" n' a!o$t !e n' se%f7ass$re&1 &o n' +o$r o/n th n'1 ha8 n' a % fe1 fee% n' stron' an& 'oo& a!o$t +o$rse%f1 'ett n' e#ot ona% s$stenance fro# other peop%e( I #ean1 %etAs face t1 a &r$' s a &r$' s a ha! t( 3a! ts ;$st are1 an&

/hat the+ A<D )0T are the !e a%% an& en& a%% of %o8e1 co## t#ent an& serene s+##etr ca%1 !a%ance& e#ot ona% perfect on that s the &ea% of the ro#ant c se& A%o8e7for7a7% fet #eA a%%7A#er can re%at onsh p &rea#(6 64I a#5 terr !%+ t$rne& on !+ narc ss sts( The #ost e9c t n' #o#ents of #+ % fe n e8er+ 8en$e ha8e !een / th narc ss sts( It s as f % 8 n' an& %o8 n' / th nor#a% peop%e s a 're+ th n' !+ co#par son1 not f$e%%e& !+ s$ff c ent a&rena% ne( I fee% % "e a ;$n" e1 no/1 that I no %on'er per# t #+se%f the ' &&+ p%eas$re of the <G:3 I $se& to "no/ /hen I /as &eep%+ an& hope%ess%+ n8o%8e& / th an )( I a# % "e a %ot$s7eater( An& I a%/a+s fe%t '$ %t+ a!o$t th s an& a%so sorr+ that I e8er s$cc$#!e& that f rst t #e to #+ f rst narc ss st %o8er(6 6I a# e9act%+ th s /a+ an& I fee% e9act%+ as +o$ &o1 that the /or%& s a sep a #ot on p ct$re !$t /hen I a# nt #ate%+ n8o%8e& / th a narc ss st1 t !rea"s o$t nto three7& #ens ona% Techn co%or an& I can see an& fee% n /a+s that are not a8a %a!%e to #e other/ se( In #+ case I &e8e%ope& th s 4 n8erte& narc ss s#5 as a res$%t of !e n' the fa8o$r te of #+ father /ho so co#p%ete%+ a!sor!e& #e nto h s persona% t+ that I /as not a!%e to &e8e%op a sense of separat on( :o I a# st$c" n th s persona% t+ #atr 9 of nee& n' to !e en'$%fe&1 a&ore& !+ an& co#p%ete%+ ta"en o8er !+ a narc ss st n #+ % fe( In t$rn1 I /orsh p1 &efen&1 re'$%ate an& proc$re )arc ss st c :$pp%+ for #+ narc ss st( It s % "e the #o$%& an& the #o$%&e&(6 6In #+ case1 I rea% se that /h %e I canAt stop %o8 n' #+ c$rrent narc ss st1 t snAt necessar+ for #e to a8o & as %on' as I can $n&erstan&( In #+ /a+ of %oo" n' at t1 he s &eser8 n' of %o8e1 an& s nce I can ' 8e h # %o8e / tho$t t h$rt n' #e1 then as %on' as he nee&s t1 he sha%% ha8e t(6 62+ persona% theor+ s that &o'#at c re% ' o$s c$%t$re s a retar& n' nf%$ence on the 'ro/th an& #at$rat on of those hea8 %+ n8o%8e& . #ore an& #ore a$tono#+ 4an& hence persona% respons ! % t+5 see#s to !e !% the%+ sacr f ce& to the 'ro$p # n&Msp r t( It s as tho$'h the ch$rch #e#!ers !eco#e one persona% t+ an& that persona% t+ s narc ss st c an& the n& 8 &$a% ;$st fo%&s $n&er the /e 'ht of that " n& of 'ro$p press$re . part c$%ar%+ f +o$ are a ch %&(6

6If I & sp%a+e& !eha8 o$r that #a&e #+ OOO %oo" 'oo& to others1 I /as ns p &%+ o8er8a%$e&( >hen I &are& !e so#eth n' other than /ho she /ante& #e to !e1 the sarcast c cr t c s# an& tota% &e8a%$at on /as $n!e% e8a!%e( :o1 I %earne& to !e a%% th n's to a%% peop%e( I 'et a hea8en%+ h 'h fro# s$rren&er n' #+ po/er to a narc ss st1 to cater n' to the#1 n ha8 n' the# o8er8a%$e an& nee& #e1 an& t s the on%+ t #e that I tr$%+ fee% a% 8e@6 6>e ha8e 8er+ % tt%e cho ce n a%% of th s( >e are as 8acant an& /arpe& as the narc ss st( OOO s /ont to sa+1 AI &onAt 3AVD a persona% t+ & sor&er1 I A2 a persona% t+ & sor&er(A It &ef nes /ho /e are an& ho/ /e / %% respon&( Fo$ / %% a%/a+s an& 0)?F ha8e rea% fee% n's /hen +o$ are / th a narc ss st( It s +o$r %o8e #ap1 t s the pro'ra## n' / th n +o$r ps+che( ,oes t nee& to contro% +o$r !eha8 o$rN )ot necessar %+( Lno/ n' /hat +o$ are can at %east ' 8e +o$ the opport$n t+ to forecast the effect of an act on !efore +o$ ta"e t( :o1 %o8e%ess !%ac" an& /h te #a+ !e the 8er+ hea%th est th n' for +o$ for the foreseea!%e f$t$re( I ten& to th n" of these ep so&es / th narc ss sts as !e n' c+c% c( Fo$ / %% % "e%+ nee& to c$t %oose for a /h %e /hen +o$r ch %& s o%&er( ,0 )0T fee% asha#e& p%easeP :ho$%& a ph+s ca%%+ han& cappe& person fee% asha#e& of the r han& capN )o an& ne ther sho$%& /e( The tro$!%e / th $s s that /e are foo%e& nto th n" n' that these re%at onsh ps are A'$ %t+ p%eas$resA( The+ fee% so 8er+ 'oo& for a t #e !$t the+ are #ore a" n to a&& ct on sat sfact on rather than !e n' the Ar 'ht #atchA or an Aappropr ate re%at onsh pA( I a# st %% 8er+ conf% cte& #+se%f a!o$t th s( I /rote a fe/ #onths a'o that t /as % "e ha8 n' a ca'e& 8er+ &an'ero$s an #a% ns &e of #e( >hen I 'et near narc ss sts1 the an #a% s#e%%s ts o/n " n& an& t /ants o$t( I 8er+ caref$%%+ A# cro7 #ana'eA #+ % fe( Th s #eans that I &a %+ &o fa r%+ re'$%ar rea% t+ chec"s an& "eep a 8er+ t 'ht re 'n on #+ se%f an& #+ !eha8 o$rs( I a# a%so o!sess 8e7co#p$%s 8e(6 6I fee% as tho$'h IA# constant%+ on an e#ot ona% ro%%er coaster( I #a+ /a"e $p n a 'oo& #oo&1 !$t f #+ ) partner &oes or sa+s so#eth n'1 /h ch s h$rtf$% to #e1 #+ #oo& chan'es ##e& ate%+( I no/ fee% sa&1 e#pt+1 afra &( A%% I /ant to &o at th s po nt s an+th n' that / %% #a"e h # sa+ so#eth n' )ICD to #e(

0nce he &oes1 IA# !ac" on top of the /or%&( Th s pattern of #oo& chan'es1 or /hate8er +o$ #a+ ca%% the#1 can ta"e p%ace se8era% t #es a &a+( Dach an& e8er+ &a+( IA8e 'otten to the po nt /here IA# not s$re that I can tr$st #+se%f to fee% an+ one /a+1 !eca$se I "no/ that I ha8e no contro% o8er #+se%f( 3e has the contro%( ItAs scar+1 +et IA8e sort of co#e to &epen& on h # &eter# n n' ho/ I a# 'o n' to fee%(6 6>hen I /as f rst n8o%8e& / th #+ cere!ra% narc ss st I /as % "e th s !$t after a/h %e I ;$st %earne& to !eco#e #ore e#ot ona%%+ & stant 4the $ps an& &o/ns /ere ;$st too #$ch5 an& f n& e#ot ona% 'rat f cat on / th other peop%e1 #ost%+ ' r% fr en&s an& one of t/o #a%e fr en&s( I #a"e a po nt of sa+ n' @ that the n8ert #$st !e or !eco#e e#ot ona%%+ an& f nanc a%%+ n&epen&ent 4 f +o$ &onAt &o th s he / %% eat +o$ $p an& /hen he has f n she& / th +o$ an& +o$ are noth n' !$t a h$s"1 +o$ / %% !e e9pe%%e& fro# h s % fe n one ! ' 8o# t5( It s rea%%+ #portant for +o$ to start to ta"e respons ! % t+ for +o$r o/n e#ot ona% /e%%ness / tho$t re'ar& to ho/ he treats +o$( <e#e#!er that the narc ss st has the e#ot ona% #at$r t+ of a t/o7+ear o%&P ,onAt e9pect #$ch n the /a+ of e#ot ona% &epth or s$pport n +o$r re%at onsh p . he s #p%+ s not capa!%e of an+th n' that soph st cate&(6 )eturn

2)EB;ENT'G A5FED B;E5T4ON C $P

#*e Sel>is* 2ene


#*e 2eneti( ;nder3innings o> Nar(issis=

Question: 4s %athological narcissis. the outco.e of inherited traits 0 or the sad result of a,usi*e and trau.atising u%,ringing> Or- .a&,e it is the confluence of ,oth> 4t is a co..on occurrence- after all- thatin the sa.e fa.il&- /ith the sa.e set of %arents and an identical e.otional en*iron.ent 0 so.e si,lings gro/ to ,e .alignant narcissists- /hile others are %erfectl& Inor.alI. 5urel&- this indicates a %redis%osition of so.e %eo%le to de*elo%ing narcissis.- a %art of one9s genetic heritage. ns!er: This *igorous de,ate .a& ,e the offshoot of o,fuscating se.antics. 6hen /e are ,orn- /e are not .uch .ore than the su. of our genes and their .anifestations. Our ,rain 0 a %h&sical o,(ect 0 is the residence of .ental health and its disorders. Mental illness cannot ,e e@%lained /ithout resorting to the ,od& and- es%eciall&- to the ,rain. And our ,rain cannot ,e conte.%lated /ithout considering our genes. Thus- an& e@%lanation of our .ental life that lea*es out our hereditar& .a+eu% and our neuro%h&siolog& is lac+ing. 5uch lac+ing theories are nothing ,ut literar& narrati*es. Ps&choanal&sis- for instance- is often accused of ,eing di*orced fro. cor%oreal realit&.

Our genetic ,aggage .a+es us rese.,le a %ersonal co.%uter. 6e are an all!%ur%ose- uni*ersal- .achine. 5u,(ect to the right %rogra..ing <conditioning- socialisation- education- u%,ringing= 0 /e can turn out to ,e an&thing and e*er&thing. A co.%uter can i.itate an& other +ind of discrete .achine- gi*en the right soft/are. 4t can %la& .usic- screen .o*ies- calculate- %rint- %aint. Co.%are this to a tele*ision set 0 it is constructed and e@%ected to do one- and onl& one- thing. 4t has a single %ur%ose and a unitar& function. 6ehu.ans- are .ore li+e co.%uters than li+e tele*ision sets. True- single genes rarel& account for an& ,eha*iour or trait. An arra& of coordinated genes is required to e@%lain e*en the .inutest hu.an %heno.enon. IDisco*eriesI of a Iga.,ling geneI here and an Iaggression geneI there are derided ,& the .ore serious and less %u,licit&!%rone scholars. Get- it /ould see. that e*en co.%le@ ,eha*iours such as ris+ ta+ing- rec+less dri*ing- and co.%ulsi*e sho%%ing ha*e genetic under%innings. 6hat a,out the Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder> 4t /ould see. reasona,le to assu.e 0 though- at this stage- there is not a shred of %roof 0 that the narcissist is ,orn /ith a %ro%ensit& to de*elo% narcissistic defences. These are triggered ,& a,use or trau.a during the for.ati*e &ears in infanc& or during earl& adolescence Lsee 2AB: Narcissist9s MotherM. :& Ia,useI 4 a. referring to a s%ectru. of ,eha*iours /hich o,(ectifies the child and treats it as an e@tension of the caregi*er <%arent= or an instru.ent. Dotting and s.othering are as .uch a,use as ,eating and star*ing. And a,use can ,e dished out ,& %eers as /ell as ,& adult role .odels. 5till- 4 /ould ha*e to attri,ute the de*elo%.ent of NPD .ostl& to nurture. The Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder is an e@tre.el& co.%le@ ,atter& of %heno.ena: ,eha*iour %atterns- cognitions- e.otionsconditioning- and so on. NPD is a PE)5ONA'4TG disordered and e*en the .ost ardent %ro%onents of the school of genetics do not attri,ute the de*elo%.ent of the /hole %ersonalit& to genes. 2ro. IThe 4nterru%ted 5elfI: 6A0r'an cA an& A#enta%A & sor&ers 4a &$! o$s & st nct on at !est5 ha8e #an+ character st cs n co##on 4confa!$%at on1 ant soc a%

!eha8 o$r1 e#ot ona% a!sence or f%atness1 n& fference1 ps+chot c ep so&es an& so on5(6 2ro. IOn Dis!easeI: 62oreo8er1 the & st nct on !et/een the ps+ch c an& the ph+s ca% s hot%+ & sp$te&1 ph %osoph ca%%+( The ps+choph+s ca% pro!%e# s as ntracta!%e to&a+ as t e8er /as 4 f not #ore so5( It s !e+on& &o$!t that the ph+s ca% affects the #enta% an& the other /a+ aro$n&( Th s s /hat & sc p% nes % "e ps+ch atr+ are a%% a!o$t( The a! % t+ to contro% Aa$tono#o$sA !o& %+ f$nct ons 4s$ch as heart!eat5 an& #enta% react ons to patho'ens of the !ra n are proof of the art f c a%ness of th s & st nct on( It s a res$%t of the re&$ct on st 8 e/ of nat$re as & 8 s !%e an& s$##a!%e( The s$# of the parts1 a%as1 s not a%/a+s the /ho%e an& there s no s$ch th n' as an nf n te set of the r$%es of nat$re1 on%+ an as+#ptot c appro9 #at on of t( The & st nct on !et/een the pat ent an& the o$ts &e /or%& s s$perf%$o$s an& /ron'( The pat ent A), h s en8 ron#ent are 0)D an& the sa#e( , sease s a pert$r!at on n the operat on an& #ana'e#ent of the co#p%e9 ecos+ste# "no/n as pat ent7/or%&( 3$#ans a!sor! the r en8 ron#ent an& fee& t n e-$a% #eas$res( Th s on7'o n' nteract on I: the pat ent( >e cannot e9 st / tho$t the nta"e of /ater1 a r1 8 s$a% st #$% an& foo&( 0$r en8 ron#ent s &ef ne& !+ o$r act ons an& o$tp$t1 ph+s ca% an& #enta%( Th$s1 one #$st -$est on the c%ass ca% & fferent at on !et/een A nterna%A an& Ae9terna%A( :o#e %%nesses are cons &ere& Aen&o'en cA 4'enerate& fro# the ns &e5( )at$ra%1 A nterna%A1 ca$ses . a heart &efect1 a ! oche# ca% #!a%ance1 a 'enet c #$tat on1 a #eta!o% c process 'one a/r+ . ca$se & sease( A' n' an& &efor# t es a%so !e%on' n th s cate'or+( In contrast1 pro!%e#s of n$rt$rance an& en8 ron#ent . ear%+ ch %&hoo& a!$se1 for nstance1 or #a%n$tr t on . are Ae9terna%A an& so are the Ac%ass ca%A patho'ens 4'er#s an& 8 r$ses5 an& acc &ents( =$t th s1 a'a n1 s a co$nter7pro&$ct 8e approach( D9o'en c an& Dn&o'en c patho'enes s s nsepara!%e( 2enta% states ncrease or &ecrease the s$scept ! % t+ to e9terna%%+ n&$ce& & sease( Ta%" therap+ or a!$se 4e9terna% e8ents5 a%ter the ! oche# ca% !a%ance of the !ra n(

The ns &e constant%+ nteracts / th the o$ts &e an& s so ntert/ ne& / th t that a%% & st nct ons !et/een the# are art f c a% an& # s%ea& n'( The !est e9a#p%e s1 of co$rse1 #e& cat on: t s an e9terna% a'ent1 t nf%$ences nterna% processes an& t has a 8er+ stron' #enta% corre%ate 4 ts eff cac+ s nf%$ence& !+ #enta% factors as n the p%ace!o effect5( The 8er+ nat$re of &+sf$nct on an& s c"ness s h 'h%+ c$%t$re7 &epen&ent( :oc eta% para#eters & ctate r 'ht an& /ron' n hea%th 4espec a%%+ #enta% hea%th5( It s a%% a #atter of stat st cs( Certa n & seases are accepte& n certa n parts of the /or%& as a fact of % fe or e8en a s 'n of & st nct on 4e('(1 the parano & sch Kophren c as chosen !+ the 'o&s5( If there s no & s7ease there s no & sease( That the ph+s ca% or #enta% state of a person CA) !e & fferent . &oes not #p%+ that t 2G:T !e & fferent or e8en that t s &es ra!%e that t sho$%& !e & fferent( In an o8er7pop$%ate& /or%&1 ster % t+ # 'ht !e the &es ra!%e th n' . or e8en the occas ona% ep &e# c( There s no s$ch th n' as A=:0?GTD &+sf$nct on( The !o&+ an& the # n& A?>AF: f$nct on( The+ a&apt the#se%8es to the r en8 ron#ent an& f the %atter chan'es . the+ chan'e( *ersona% t+ & sor&ers are the !est poss !%e responses to a!$se( Cancer #a+ !e the !est poss !%e response to carc no'ens( A' n' an& &eath are &ef n te%+ the !est poss !%e response to o8er7pop$%at on( *erhaps the po nt of 8 e/ of the s n'%e pat ent s nco##ens$rate / th the po nt of 8 e/ of h s spec es . !$t th s sho$%& not ser8e to o!sc$re the ss$es an& &era % rat ona% &e!ate( As a res$%t1 t s %o' ca% to ntro&$ce the not on of Apos t 8e a!errat onA( Certa n h+per7 or h+po7 f$nct on n' can + e%& pos t 8e res$%ts an& pro8e to !e a&apt 8e( The & fference !et/een pos t 8e an& ne'at 8e a!errat ons can ne8er !e Ao!;ect 8eA( )at$re s #ora%%+7 ne$tra% an& e#!o& es no A8a%$esA or ApreferencesA( It s #p%+ e9 sts( >D1 h$#ans1 ntro&$ce o$r 8a%$e s+ste#s1 pre;$& ces an& pr or t es nto o$r act 8 t es1 sc ence nc%$&e&( It s !etter to !e hea%th+1 /e sa+1 !eca$se /e fee% !etter /hen /e are hea%th+( C rc$%ar t+ as &e . th s s the on%+ cr ter on that /e can reasona!%+ e#p%o+( If the pat ent fee%s 'oo& . t s not a & sease1 e8en f /e a%% th n" t s( If the pat ent fee%s !a&1 e'o7 &+ston c1 $na!%e to f$nct on . t s a & sease1 e8en /hen /e a%% th n" t

snAt( )ee&%ess to sa+ that I a# referr n' to that #+th ca% creat$re1 the f$%%+ nfor#e& pat ent( If so#eone s s c" an& "no/s no !etter 4has ne8er !een hea%th+5 . then h s &ec s on sho$%& !e respecte& on%+ after he s ' 8en the chance to e9per ence hea%th( A%% the atte#pts to ntro&$ce Ao!;ect 8eA +ar&st c"s of hea%th are p%a'$e& an& ph %osoph ca%%+ conta# nate& !+ the nsert on of 8a%$es1 preferences an& pr or t es nto the for#$%a . or !+ s$!;ect n' the for#$%a to the# a%to'ether( 0ne s$ch atte#pt s to &ef ne hea%th as Aan ncrease n or&er or eff c enc+ of processesA as contraste& / th %%ness /h ch s Aa &ecrease n or&er 4 ncrease of entrop+5 an& n the eff c enc+ of processesA( >h %e !e n' fact$a%%+ & sp$ta!%e1 th s &+a& a%so s$ffers fro# a ser es of #p% c t 8a%$e7;$&'e#ents( For nstance1 /h+ sho$%& /e prefer % fe o8er &eathN 0r&er to entrop+N Dff c enc+ to neff c enc+N6
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2)EB;ENT'G A5FED B;E5T4ON C QP

#*e 6ea3on o> Lang'age

Question: M& /ife /as diagnosed as a narcissist. 5he t/ists e*er&thing and turns it against .e. 5he distorts e*er&thing 4 e*er said- ignores the conte@t- and e*en in*ent her o/n endings. 4t is i.%ossi,le to ha*e a .eaningful con*ersation /ith her ,ecause she /on9t co..it to an&thing she sa&s. ns!er: 4n the narcissist9s surrealistic /orld- e*en language is %athologised. 4t .utates into a /ea%on of self!defence- a *er,al fortification- a .ediu. /ithout a .essage- re%lacing /ords /ith du%licitous and a.,iguous *oca,les. Narcissists <and- often- ,& contagion- their unfortunate *icti.s= don9t tal+- or co..unicate. The& fend off. The& hide and e*ade and a*oid and disguise. 4n their %lanet of ca%ricious and ar,itrar& un%redicta,ilit&- of shifting se.iotic and se.antic dunes 0 the& %erfect the a,ilit& to sa& nothing in length&- Castro!li+e s%eeches. The ensuing con*oluted sentences are ara,esques of .eaninglessness- acro,atics of e*asion- lac+ of co..it.ent ele*ated to an ideolog&. The narcissist %refers to /ait and see /hat /aiting ,rings. 4t is the %ost%one.ent of the ine*ita,le that leads to the ine*ita,ilit& of %ost%one.ent as a strateg& of sur*i*al. 4t is often i.%ossi,le to reall& understand a narcissist. The e*asi*e s&nta@ fast deteriorates into e*er .ore la,&rinthine structures. The gra..ar tortured to %roduce the *er,al Do%%ler shifts essential to

disguise the source of the infor.ation- its distance fro. realit&- the s%eed of its degeneration into rigid IofficialI *ersions. :uried under the lush flora and fauna of idio.s /ithout an endthe language eru%ts- li+e so.e e@otic rash- an autoi..une reaction to its infection and conta.ination. 'i+e *ile /eeds it s%read throughout- strangling /ith a,sent .inded %ersistence the a,ilit& to understand- to feel- to agree- to disagree and to de,ate- to %resent argu.ents- to co.%are notes- to learn and to teach. Narcissists- therefore- ne*er tal+ to others 0 rather- the& tal+ at others- or lecture the.. The& e@change su,te@ts- ca.ouflage! /ra%%ed ,& ela,orate- florid- te@ts. The& read ,et/een the liness%a/ning a .ultitude of %ri*ate languages- %re(udices- su%erstitionscons%irac& theories- ru.ours- %ho,ias and h&sterias. Theirs is a soli%sistic /orld 0 /here co..unication is %er.itted onl& /ith oneself and the ai. of language is to thro/ others off the scent or to o,tain Narcissistic 5u%%l&. This has %rofound i.%lications. Co..unication through unequi*ocal- una.,iguous- infor.ation!rich s&.,ol s&ste.s is such an integral and crucial %art of our /orld 0 that its a,sence is not %ostulated e*en in the re.otest gala@ies /hich grace the s+ies of science fiction. 4n this sense- narcissists are nothing short of aliens. 4t is not that the& e.%lo& a different language- a code to ,e deci%hered ,& a ne/ 2reud. 4t is also not the outco.e of u%,ringing or socio! cultural ,ac+ground. 4t is the fact that language is %ut ,& narcissists to a different use 0 not to co..unicate ,ut to o,scure- not to share ,ut to a,stain- not to learn ,ut to defend and resist- not to teach ,ut to %reser*e e*er less tena,le .ono%olies- to disagree /ithout incurring /rath- to criticise /ithout co..it.ent- to agree /ithout a%%earing to do so. Thus- an Iagree.entI /ith a narcissist is a *ague e@%ression of intent at a gi*en .o.ent 0 rather than the clear listing of long!ter.- iron! cast and .utual co..it.ents. The rules that go*ern the narcissist9s uni*erse are loo%holed inco.%rehensi,les- o%en to an e@egesis so /ide and so self! contradictor& that it renders the. .eaningless. The narcissist often hangs hi.self ,& his o/n *er,ose ?ordic +nots- ha*ing stu.,led

through a .inefield of logical fallacies and endured self!inflicted inconsistencies. ;nfinished sentences ho*er in the air- li+e *a%our a,o*e a se.antic s/a.%. 4n the case of the in*erted narcissist- /ho /as su%%ressed and a,used ,& o*er,earing caregi*ers- there is the strong urge not to offend. 4nti.ac& and inter!de%endence are great. Parental or %eer %ressures are irresisti,le and result in confor.it& and self! de%recation. Aggressi*e tendencies- strongl& re%ressed in the social %ressure coo+er- tee. under the *eneer of forced ci*ilit& and *iolent %oliteness. Constructi*e a.,iguit&- a non!co..ittal Ie*er&one is good and rightI- an ata*istic *ariant of .oral relati*is. and tolerance ,red of fear and of conte.%t 0 are all at the ser*ice of this eternal *igilance against aggressi*e dri*es- at the dis%osal of a ne*er ending %eace+ee%ing .ission. 6ith the classic narcissist- language is used cruell& and ruthlessl& to ensnare one9s ene.ies- to sa/ confusion and %anic- to .o*e others to e.ulate the narcissist <Pro(ecti*e 4dentification=- to lea*e the listeners in dou,t- in hesitation- in %aral&sis- to gain control- or to %unish. 'anguage is ensla*ed and forced to lie. The language is a%%ro%riated and e@%ro%riated. 4t is considered to ,e a /ea%on- an asset- a %iece of lethal %ro%ert&- a traitorous .istress to ,e gang ra%ed into su,.ission. 6ith cere,ral narcissists- language is a lo*er. The infatuation /ith its *er& sound leads to a %&rotechnic t&%e of s%eech /hich sacrifices its .eaning to its .usic. 4ts s%ea+ers %a& .ore attention to the co.%osition than to the content. The& are s/e%t ,& it- into@icated ,& its %erfection- ine,riated ,& the s%iralling co.%le@it& of its for.s. Here- language is an infla..ator& %rocess. 4t attac+s the *er& tissues of the narcissist9s relationshi%s /ith artistic fierceness. 4t in*ades the health& cells of reason and logic- of cool headed argu.entation and le*el headed de,ate. 'anguage is a leading indicator of the %s&chological and institutional health of social units- such as the fa.il&- or the /or+%lace. 5ocial ca%ital can often ,e .easured in cogniti*e <hence*er,al!lingual= ter.s. To .onitor the le*el of co.%rehensi,ilit& and lucidit& of te@ts is to stud& the degree of sanit& of fa.il& .e.,ers-

co!/or+ers- friends- s%ouses- .ates- and colleagues. There can e@ist no hale societ& /ithout una.,iguous s%eech- /ithout clear co..unications- /ithout the traffic of idio.s and content that is an inse%ara,le %art of e*er& social contract. Our language deter.ines ho/ /e %ercei*e our /orld. 4t 45 our .ind and our consciousness. The narcissist- in this res%ect- is a great social .enace.
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2)EB;ENT'G A5FED B;E5T4ON C E"

!olle(tive Nar(issis=
Nar(issis=8 !'lt're and So(iet-

Question: 4 ,elie*e that <ethnic grou% deleted= are all narcissists. Can it ,e that a grou% of %eo%le are all narcissists or a. 4 &our a*erage ,igot and racist> ns!er: 4n their ,oo+ IPersonalit& Disorders in Modern 'ifeITheodore Millon and )oger Da*is state- as a .atter of fact- that %athological narcissis. /as the %reser*e of 6the ro+a% an& the /ea%th+6 and that it 6see#s to ha8e 'a ne& pro# nence on%+ n the %ate t/ent eth cent$r+6. Narcissis.- according to the.- .a& ,e associated /ith 6h 'her %e8e%s of 2as%o/As h erarch+ of nee&s@ In& 8 &$a%s n %ess a&8anta'e& nat ons @ are too !$s+ tr+ n' 4to s$r8 8e5 @ to !e arro'ant an& 'ran& ose6. The& 0 li+e 'asch ,efore the. 0 attri,ute %athological narcissis. to 6a soc et+ that stresses n& 8 &$a% s# an& se%f7'rat f cat on at the e9pense of co##$n t+1 na#e%+ the Gn te& :tates6. The& assert that the disorder is .ore %re*alent a.ong certain %rofessions /ith Istar %o/erI or res%ect. 6In an n& 8 &$a% st c c$%t$re1 the narc ss st s AJo&As ' ft to the /or%&A( In a co%%ect 8 st soc et+1 the narc ss st s AJo&As ' ft to the co%%ect 8eA(6

Millon quotes 6arren and Ca%oni9s IThe )ole of Culture in the De*elo%.ent of Narcissistic Personalit& Disorders in A.erica- 3a%an and Den.ar+I: 6In& 8 &$a% st c narc ss st c str$ct$res of se%f7re'ar& 4 n n& 8 &$a% st c soc et es5 @ are rather se%f7conta ne& an& n&epen&ent@ 4In co%%ect 8 st c$%t$res5 narc ss st c conf '$rat ons of the /e7se%f @ &enote se%f7estee# &er 8e& fro# stron' &ent f cat on / th the rep$tat on an& hono$r of the fa# %+1 'ro$ps1 an& others n h erarch ca% re%at onsh ps(6 Ha*ing li*ed in the last "# &ears in 1" countries on P continents 0 fro. the i.%o*erished to the affluent- /ith indi*idualistic and collecti*ist societies 0 4 +no/ that Millon and Da*is are /rong. Theirs is- indeed- the quintessential A.erican %oint of *ie/ /hich lac+s an inti.ate +no/ledge of other %arts of the /orld. Millon e*en /rongl& clai.s that the D5M9s international equi*alent- the 4CD- does not include the Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder <it does=. Pathological narcissis. is a u,iquitous %heno.enon ,ecause e*er& hu.an ,eing 0 regardless of the nature of his societ& and culture 0 de*elo%s health& narcissis. earl& in life. Health& narcissis. is rendered %athological ,& a,use 0 and a,use- alas- is a uni*ersal hu.an ,eha*iour. :& Ia,useI /e .ean an& refusal to ac+no/ledge the e.erging ,oundaries of the indi*idual 0 s.othering- doting- and e@cessi*e e@%ectations 0 are as a,usi*e as ,eating and incest. There are .alignant narcissists a.ong su,sistence far.ers in Africano.ads in the 5inai desert- da& la,ourers in East Euro%e- and intellectuals and socialites in Manhattan. Malignant narcissis. is all! %er*asi*e and inde%endent of culture and societ&. 4t is true- though- that the 6AG %athological narcissis. .anifests and is e@%erienced is de%endent on the %articulars of societies and cultures. 4n so.e cultures- it is encouraged- in others su%%ressed. 4n so.e societies it is channelled against .inorities 0 in others it is tainted /ith %aranoia. 4n collecti*ist societies- it .a& ,e %ro(ected onto the collecti*e- in indi*idualistic societies- it is an indi*idual9s trait. Get- can fa.ilies- organisations- ethnic grou%s- churches- and e*en /hole nations ,e safel& descri,ed as InarcissisticI or I%athologicall& self!a,sor,edI> 6ouldn9t such generalisations ,e a trifle racist and .ore than a trifle /rong> The ans/er is: it de%ends.

Hu.an collecti*es 0 states- fir.s- households- institutions- %olitical %arties- cliques- ,ands 0 acquire a life and a character all their o/n. The longer the association or affiliation of the .e.,ers- the .ore cohesi*e and confor.ist the inner d&na.ics of the grou%- the .ore %ersecutor& or nu.erous its ene.ies- the .ore intensi*e the %h&sical and e.otional e@%eriences of the indi*iduals it is co.%rised of- the stronger the ,onds of locale- language- and histor& 0 the .ore rigorous .ight an assertion of a co..on %atholog& ,e. 5uch an all!%er*asi*e and e@tensi*e %atholog& .anifests itself in the ,eha*iour of each and e*er& .e.,er. 4t is a defining 0 though often i.%licit or underl&ing 0 .ental structure. 4t has e@%lanator& and %redicti*e %o/ers. 4t is recurrent and in*aria,le 0 a %attern of conduct .elded /ith distorted cognition and stunted e.otions. And it is often *ehe.entl& denied. A %ossi,le D5M!li+e list of criteria for narcissistic organisations or grou%s: An all!%er*asi*e %attern of grandiosit& <in fantas& or ,eha*iour=need for ad.iration or adulation and lac+ of e.%ath&- usuall& ,eginning at the grou%9s earl& histor& and %resent in *arious conte@ts. Persecution and a,use are often the causes 0 or at least the antecedents 0 of the %atholog&. 2i*e <or .ore= of the follo/ing criteria .ust ,e .et: J The grou% as a /hole- or .e.,ers of the grou% 0 acting as such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation /ith the grou% 0 feel grandiose and self!i.%ortant <e.g.- the& e@aggerate the grou%9s achie*e.ents and talents to the %oint of l&ing- de.and to ,e recognised as su%erior 0 si.%l& for ,elonging to the grou% and /ithout co..ensurate achie*e.ent=. J The grou% as a /hole- or .e.,ers of the grou% 0 acting as such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation /ith the grou% 0 are o,sessed /ith grou% fantasies of unli.ited success- fa.efearso.e %o/er or o.ni%otence- unequalled ,rilliance- ,odil& ,eaut& or %erfor.ance- or ideal- e*erlasting- all!conquering ideals or %olitical theories. J The grou% as a /hole- or .e.,ers of the grou% 0 acting as such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation /ith the grou% 0

are fir.l& con*inced that the grou% is unique and- ,eing s%ecialcan onl& ,e understood ,&- should onl& ,e treated ,&- or associate /ith- other s%ecial or unique- or high!status grou%s <or institutions=. J The grou% as a /hole- or .e.,ers of the grou% 0 acting as such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation /ith the grou% 0 require e@cessi*e ad.iration- adulation- attention and affir.ation 0 or- failing that- /ish to ,e feared and to ,e notorious <Narcissistic 5u%%l&=. J The grou% as a /hole- or .e.,ers of the grou% 0 acting as such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation /ith the grou% 0 feel entitled. The& e@%ect unreasona,le or s%ecial and fa*oura,le %riorit& treat.ent. The& de.and auto.atic and full co.%liance /ith e@%ectations. The& rarel& acce%t res%onsi,ilit& for their actions <Iallo%lastic defencesI=. This often leads to anti!social ,eha*iour- co*er!u%s- and cri.inal acti*ities on a .ass scale. J The grou% as a /hole- or .e.,ers of the grou% 0 acting as such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation /ith the grou% 0 are Iinter%ersonall& e@%loitati*eI- i.e.- use others to achie*e their o/n ends. This often leads to anti!social ,eha*iour- co*er!u%sand cri.inal acti*ities on a .ass scale. J The grou% as a /hole- or .e.,ers of the grou% 0 acting as such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation /ith the grou% 0 are de*oid of e.%ath&. The& are una,le or un/illing to identif& /ith or ac+no/ledge the feelings and needs of other grou%s. This often leads to anti!social ,eha*iour- co*er!u%s- and cri.inal acti*ities on a .ass scale. J The grou% as a /hole- or .e.,ers of the grou% 0 acting as such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation /ith the grou% 0 are constantl& en*ious of others or ,elie*es that the& feel the sa.e a,out the.. This often leads to anti!social ,eha*iour- co*er! u%s- and cri.inal acti*ities on a .ass scale. J The grou% as a /hole- or .e.,ers of the grou% 0 acting as such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation /ith the grou% 0 are arrogant and s%ort haught& ,eha*iours or attitudes cou%led /ith rage /hen frustrated- contradicted- %unished- li.ited- or

confronted. This often leads to anti!social ,eha*iour- co*er!u%sand cri.inal acti*ities on a .ass scale. )eturn

2)EB;ENT'G A5FED B;E5T4ON C "

#*e S3o'seC9ateCPartner o> t*e Nar(issist

Question: 6hat +ind of a s%ouse7.ate7%artner is li+el& to ,e attracted to a narcissist> ns!er: #*e ?i(ti=s On the face of it- there is no <e.otional= %artner or .ate- /ho t&%icall& I,indsI /ith a narcissist. The& co.e in all sha%es and siAes. The initial %hases of attraction- infatuation and falling in lo*e are %rett& nor.al. The narcissist %uts on his ,est face 0 the other %art& is ,linded ,& ,udding lo*e. A natural selection %rocess occurs onl& .uch later- as the relationshi% de*elo%s and is %ut to the test. 'i*ing /ith a narcissist can ,e e@hilarating- is al/a&s onerous- often harro/ing. 5ur*i*ing a relationshi% /ith a narcissist indicatestherefore- the %ara.eters of the %ersonalit& of the sur*i*or. 5he <or.ore rarel&- he= is .oulded ,& the relationshi% into The T&%ical Narcissistic Mate7Partner75%ouse. 2irst and fore.ost- the narcissist9s %artner .ust ha*e a deficient or a distorted gras% of her self and of realit&. Other/ise- she <or he= is ,ound to a,andon the narcissist9s shi% earl& on. The cogniti*e distortion is li+el& to consist of ,elittling and de.eaning herself 0 /hile aggrandising and adoring the narcissist. The %artner is- thus- %lacing herself in the %osition of the eternal *icti.: undeser*ing- %unisha,le- a sca%egoat. 5o.eti.es- it is *er&

i.%ortant to the %artner to a%%ear .oral- sacrificial and *icti.ised. At other ti.es- she is not e*en a/are of this %redica.ent. The narcissist is %ercei*ed ,& the %artner to ,e a %erson in the %osition to de.and these sacrifices fro. her ,ecause he is su%erior in .an& /a&s <intellectuall&- e.otionall&- .orall&- %rofessionall&- or financiall&=. The status of %rofessional *icti. sits /ell /ith the %artner9s tendenc& to %unish herself- na.el&: /ith her .asochistic strea+. The tor.ented life /ith the narcissist is (ust /hat she deser*es. 4n this res%ect- the %artner is the .irror i.age of the narcissist. :& .aintaining a s&.,iotic relationshi% /ith hi.- ,& ,eing totall& de%endent u%on her source of .asochistic su%%l& </hich the narcissist .ost relia,l& constitutes and .ost a.%l& %ro*ides= 0 the %artner enhances certain traits and encourages certain ,eha*iours/hich are at the *er& core of narcissis.. The narcissist is ne*er /hole /ithout an adoring- su,.issi*ea*aila,le- self!denigrating %artner. His *er& sense of su%eriorit&indeed his 2alse 5elf- de%ends on it. His sadistic 5u%erego s/itches its attentions fro. the narcissist <in /ho. it often %ro*o+es suicidal ideation= to the %artner- thus finall& o,taining an alternati*e source of sadistic satisfaction. 4t is through self!denial that the %artner sur*i*es. 5he denies her /ishes- ho%es- drea.s- as%irations- se@ual- %s&chological and .aterial needs- choices- %references- *alues- and .uch else ,esides. 5he %ercei*es her needs as threatening ,ecause the& .ight engender the /rath of the narcissist9s ?od!li+e su%re.e figure. The narcissist is rendered in her e&es e*en .ore su%erior through and ,ecause of this self!denial. 5elf!denial underta+en to facilitate and ease the life of a Igreat .anI is .ore %alata,le. The IgreaterI the .an <the narcissist=- the easier it is for the %artner to ignore her o/n self- to d/indle- to degenerate- to turn into an a%%endi@ of the narcissist and- finall&- to ,eco.e nothing ,ut an e@tension- to .erge /ith the narcissist to the %oint of o,li*ion and of .erel& di. .e.ories of herself. The t/o colla,orate in this .aca,re dance. The narcissist is for.ed ,& his %artner inas.uch as he for.s her. 5u,.ission ,reeds

su%eriorit& and .asochis. ,reeds sadis.. The relationshi%s are characterised ,& e.ergentis.: roles are allocated al.ost fro. the start and an& de*iation .eets /ith an aggressi*e- e*en *iolent reaction. The %redo.inant state of the %artner9s .ind is utter confusion. E*en the .ost ,asic relationshi%s 0 /ith hus,and- children- or %arents 0 re.ain ,afflingl& o,scured ,& the giant shado/ cast ,& the intensi*e interaction /ith the narcissist. A sus%ension of (udge.ent is %art and %arcel of a sus%ension of indi*idualit&- /hich is ,oth a %rerequisite to and the result of li*ing /ith a narcissist. The %artner no longer +no/s /hat is true and right and /hat is /rong and for,idden. The narcissist recreates for the %artner the sort of e.otional a.,ience that led to his o/n for.ation in the first %lace: ca%riciousness- fic+leness- ar,itrariness- e.otional <and %h&sical or se@ual= a,andon.ent. The /orld ,eco.es hostile- and o.inous and the %artner has onl& one thing left to cling to: the narcissist. And cling she does. 4f there is an&thing /hich can safel& ,e said a,out those /ho e.otionall& tea. u% /ith narcissists- it is that the& are o*ertl& and o*erl& de%endent. The %artner doesn9t +no/ /hat to do 0 and this is onl& too natural in the .a&he. that is the relationshi% /ith the narcissist. :ut the t&%ical %artner also does not +no/ /hat she /ants and- to a large e@tent- /ho she is and /hat she /ants to ,eco.e. These unans/ered questions ha.%er the %artner9s a,ilit& to gauge realit&. Her %ri.ordial sin is that she fell in lo*e /ith an i.age- not /ith a real %erson. 4t is the *oiding of the i.age that is .ourned /hen the relationshi% ends. The ,rea+!u% of a relationshi% /ith a narcissist is- therefore- *er& e.otionall& charged. 4t is the cul.ination of a long chain of hu.iliations and of su,(ugation. 4t is the re,ellion of the functioning and health& %arts of the %artner9s %ersonalit& against the t&rann& of the narcissist. The %artner is li+el& to ha*e totall& .isread and .isinter%reted the /hole interaction <4 hesitate to call it a relationshi%=. This lac+ of

%ro%er interface /ith realit& .ight ,e <erroneousl&= la,elled I%athologicalI. 6h& is it that the %artner see+s to %rolong her %ain> 6hat is the source and %ur%ose of this .asochistic strea+> ;%on the ,rea+!u% of the relationshi%- the %artner <,ut not the narcissist- /ho usuall& refuses to %ro*ide closure= engage in a tortuous and dra/n out %ost .orte.. :ut the question /ho did /hat to /ho. <and e*en /h&= is irrele*ant. 6hat is rele*ant is to sto% .ourning oneself- start s.iling again and lo*e in a less su,ser*ient- ho%eless- and %ain!inflicting .anner. #*e 0,'se A,use is an integral- inse%ara,le %art of the Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder. The narcissist idealises and then DE8A';E5 and discards the o,(ect of his initial idealisation. This a,ru%t- heartless de*aluation 45 a,use. A'' narcissists idealise and then de*alue. This is THE core narcissistic ,eha*iour. The narcissist e@%loits- lies- insults- de.eans- ignores <the Isilent treat.entI=- .ani%ulates- controls. All these are for.s of a,use. There are a .illion /a&s to a,use. To lo*e too .uch is to a,use. 4t is tanta.ount to treating so.eone as one9s e@tension- an o,(ect- or an instru.ent of gratification. To ,e o*er!%rotecti*e- not to res%ect %ri*ac&- to ,e ,rutall& honest- /ith a .or,id sense of hu.our- or consistentl& tactless 0 is to a,use. To e@%ect too .uch- to denigrateto ignore 0 are all .odes of a,use. There is %h&sical a,use- *er,al a,use- %s&chological a,use- se@ual a,use. The list is long. Narcissists are .asters of a,using surre%titiousl& <Ia.,ient a,useI=. The& are Istealth a,usersI. Gou ha*e to actuall& li*e /ith one in order to /itness the a,use. There are three i.%ortant categories of a,use: 1. 08ert A!$se 0 The o%en and e@%licit a,use of another %erson. Threatening- coercing- ,attering- l&ing- ,erating- de.eaningchastising- insulting- hu.iliating- e@%loiting- ignoring <Isilent treat.entI=- de*aluing- uncere.oniousl& discarding- *er,al

a,use- %h&sical a,use and se@ual a,use are all for.s of o*ert a,use. ". Co8ert or Contro%% n' A!$se 0 Narcissis. is al.ost entirel& a,out control. 4t is a %ri.iti*e and i..ature reaction to the circu.stances of a life in /hich the narcissist <usuall& in his childhood= /as rendered hel%less. 4t is a,out re!asserting one9s identit&re!esta,lishing %redicta,ilit&.astering the en*iron.ent 0 hu.an and %h&sical. O. The ,ul+ of narcissistic ,eha*iours can ,e traced to this %anic+& reaction to the %otential for loss of control. Narcissists are h&%ochondriacs <and difficult %atients= ,ecause the& are afraid to lose control o*er their ,od&- its loo+s and its %ro%er functioning. The& are o,sessi*e!co.%ulsi*e in their efforts to su,due their %h&sical ha,itat and render it foreseea,le. The& stal+ %eo%le and harass the. as a .eans of I,eing in touchI 0 another for. of narcissistic control. :ut /h& the %anic> The narcissist is a soli%sist. To hi.- nothing e@ists e@ce%t hi.self. Meaningful others are his e@tensions- assi.ilated ,& hi.- the& are internal o,(ects 0 not e@ternal ones. Thus- losing control of a significant other 0 is equi*alent to losing the use of a li.,- or of one9s ,rain. 4t is terrif&ing. 4nde%endent or diso,edient %eo%le e*o+e in the narcissist the realisation that so.ething is /rong /ith his /orld*ie/- that he is not the centre of the /orld or its cause and that he cannot control /hatto hi.- are internal re%resentations. To the narcissist- losing control .eans going insane. :ecause other %eo%le are .ere ele.ents in the narcissist9s .ind 0 ,eing una,le to .ani%ulate the. literall& .eans losing it <his .ind=. 4.agine- if &ou suddenl& /ere to find out that &ou cannot .ani%ulate &our .e.ories or control &our thoughtsS Night.arishH Moreo*er- it is often onl& through .ani%ulation and e@tortion that the narcissist can secure his Narcissistic 5u%%l& <N5=. Controlling his 5ources of Narcissistic 5u%%l& is a <.ental= life or death question for the narcissist. The narcissist is a drug addict <his drug ,eing the N5= and he /ould go to an& length to o,tain the ne@t dose.

4n his frantic efforts to .aintain control or re!assert it- the narcissist resorts to a .&riad of fiendishl& in*enti*e stratage.s and .echanis.s. Here is a %artial list: 3n&redicta+ility The narcissist acts un%redicta,l&- ca%riciousl&- inconsistentl& and irrationall&. This ser*es to de.olish in others their carefull& crafted /orld*ie/. The& ,eco.e de%endent u%on the ne@t t/ist and turn of the narcissist- his ine@%lica,le /hi.s- his out,ursts- denial- or s.iles. 4n other /ords: the narcissist .a+es sure that HE is the onl& sta,le entit& in the li*es of others 0 ,& shattering the rest of their /orld through his see.ingl& insane ,eha*iour. He guarantees his %resence in their li*es 0 ,& desta,ilising the.. 4n the a,sence of a self- there are no li+es or disli+es- %references%redicta,le ,eha*iour or characteristics. 4t is not %ossi,le to +no/ the narcissist. There is no one there. The narcissist /as conditioned 0 fro. an earl& age of a,use and trau.a 0 to e@%ect the une@%ected. His /as a /orld in /hich <so.eti.es sadistic= ca%ricious careta+ers and %eers often ,eha*ed ar,itraril&. He /as trained to den& his True 5elf and nurture a 2alse one. Ha*ing in*ented hi.self- the narcissist sees no %ro,le. in re! in*enting that /hich he designed in the first %lace. The narcissist is his o/n creator. Hence his grandiosit&. Moreo*er- the narcissist is a .an for all seasons- fore*er ada%ta,leconstantl& i.itating and e.ulating- a hu.an s%onge- a %erfect .irrora cha.eleon- a non!entit& that is- at the sa.e ti.e- all entities co.,ined. The narcissist is ,est descri,ed ,& Heidegger9s %hrase: I:eing and NothingnessI. 4nto this reflecti*e *acuu.- this suc+ing ,lac+ hole- the narcissist attracts the 5ources of his Narcissistic 5u%%l&. To an o,ser*er- the narcissist a%%ears to ,e fractured or discontinuous. Pathological narcissis. has ,een co.%ared to the Dissociati*e 4dentit& Disorder <for.erl& the Multi%le Personalit& Disorder=. :&

definition- the narcissist has at least t/o sel*es- the True and 2alse ones. His %ersonalit& is *er& %ri.iti*e and disorganised. 'i*ing /ith a narcissist is a nauseating e@%erience not onl& ,ecause of /hat he is 0 ,ut ,ecause of /hat he is NOT. He is not a full& for.ed hu.an 0 ,ut a diAA&ingl& +aleidosco%ic galler& of e%he.eral i.ages- /hich .elt into each other sea.lessl&. 4t is incredi,l& disorienting. 4t is also e@ceedingl& %ro,le.atic. Pro.ises .ade ,& the narcissist are easil& diso/ned ,& hi.. His %lans are transient. His e.otional ties 0 a si.ulacru.. Most narcissists ha*e one island of sta,ilit& in their life <s%ouse- fa.il&- their career- a ho,,&- their religion- countr&- or idol= 0 %ounded ,& the tur,ulent currents of a dishe*elled e@istence. The narcissist does not +ee% agree.ents- does not adhere to la/s or social nor.s- and regards consistenc& and %redicta,ilit& as de.eaning traits. Thus- to in*est in a narcissist is a %ur%oseless- futile and .eaningless acti*it&. To the narcissist- e*er& da& is a ne/ ,eginning- a hunt- a ne/ c&cle of idealisation or de*aluation- a ne/l& in*ented self. There is no accu.ulation of credits or good/ill ,ecause the narcissist has no %ast and no future. He occu%ies an eternal and ti.eless %resent. He is a fossil caught in the froAen ashes of a *olcanic childhood. 6hat to do> )efuse to acce%t such ,eha*iour. De.and reasona,l& %redicta,le and rational actions and reactions. 4nsist on res%ect for &our ,oundaries- %redilections- %references- and %riorities. Dis&ro&ortional Reactions One of the fa*ourite tools of .ani%ulation in the narcissist9s arsenal is the dis%ro%ortionalit& of his reactions. He reacts /ith su%re.e rage to the slightest slight. He %unishes se*erel& for /hat he %ercei*es to ,e an offence against hi.- no .atter ho/ .inor. He thro/s a te.%er tantru. o*er an& discord or disagree.ent- ho/e*er gentl& and consideratel& e@%ressed. Or he .a& act attenti*e- char.ing and seducti*e <e*en o*er!se@ed- if need ,e=. This e*er!shifting e.otional landsca%e <Iaffecti*e dunesI= cou%led /ith an inordinatel& harsh and ar,itraril& a%%lied I%enal codeI are ,oth %ro.ulgated ,& the

narcissist. Neediness and de%endence on the source of all (ustice .eted 0 on the narcissist 0 are thus guaranteed. 6hat to do> De.and a (ust and %ro%ortional treat.ent. )e(ect or ignore un(ust and ca%ricious ,eha*iour. 4f &ou are u% to the ine*ita,le confrontation- react in +ind. 'et hi. taste so.e of his o/n .edicine. Dehumanisation and 1+0ecti/ication Peo%le ha*e a need to ,elie*e in the e.%athic s+ills and ,asic good! heartedness of others. :& dehu.anising and o,(ectif&ing %eo%le 0 the narcissist attac+s the *er& foundations of the social treat&. This is the IalienI as%ect of narcissists 0 the& .a& ,e e@cellent i.itations of full& for.ed adults ,ut the& are e.otionall& non!e@istent- or- at ,esti..ature. This is so horrid- so re%ulsi*e- so %hantas.agoric 0 that %eo%le recoil in terror. 4t is then- /ith their defences a,solutel& do/n- that the& are the .ost susce%ti,le and *ulnera,le to the narcissist9s control. Ph&sical- %s&chological- *er,al and se@ual a,use are all for.s of dehu.anisation and o,(ectification. 6hat to do> Ne*er sho/ &our a,user that &ou are afraid of hi.. Do not negotiate /ith ,ullies. The& are insatia,le. Do not succu., to ,lac+.ail. 4f things get rough 0 disengage- in*ol*e la/ enforce.ent officersfriends and colleagues- or threaten hi. <legall&=. Do not +ee% &our a,use a secret. 5ecrec& is the a,user9s /ea%on. Ne*er gi*e hi. a second chance. )eact /ith &our full arsenal to the first transgression. +use o/ *n/ormation 2ro. the first .o.ents of an encounter /ith another %erson- the narcissist is on the %ro/l. He collects infor.ation /ith the intention of a%%l&ing it later to e@tract Narcissistic 5u%%l&. The .ore he +no/s a,out his %otential 5ource of 5u%%l& 0 the ,etter a,le he is to coerce.ani%ulate- char.- e@tort or con*ert it Ito the causeI. The narcissist does not hesitate to a,use the infor.ation he gleaned- regardless of

its inti.ate nature or the circu.stances in /hich he o,tained it. This is a %o/erful tool in his ar.our&. 6hat to do> :e guarded. Don9t ,e too forthco.ing in a first or casual .eeting. ?ather intelligence. :e &ourself. Don9t .isre%resent &our /ishes- ,oundaries%references- %riorities- and red lines. Do not ,eha*e inconsistentl&. Do not go ,ac+ on &our /ord. :e fir. and resolute. *m&ossi+le Situations The narcissist engineers i.%ossi,le- dangerous- un%redicta,leun%recedented- or highl& s%ecific situations in /hich he is sorel& and indis%ensa,l& needed. The narcissist- his +no/ledge- his s+ills or his traits ,eco.e the onl& ones a%%lica,le- or the .ost useful to co%ing /ith these artificial %redica.ents. 4t is a for. of control ,& %ro@&. 6hat to do> 5ta& a/a& fro. such quag.ires. 5crutinise e*er& offer and suggestion- no .atter ho/ innocuous. Pre%are ,ac+!u% %lans. Fee% others infor.ed of &our /herea,outs and a%%raised of &our situation. :e *igilant and dou,ting. Do not ,e gulli,le and suggesti,le. :etter safe than sorr&. Control +y Pro%y 4f all else fails- the narcissist recruits friends- colleagues- .ates- fa.il& .e.,ers- the authorities- institutions- neigh,ours- or the .edia 0 in short- third %arties 0 to do his ,idding. He uses the. to ca(olecoerce- threaten- stal+- offer- retreat- te.%t- con*ince- harassco..unicate and other/ise .ani%ulate his target. He controls these una/are instru.ents e@actl& as he %lans to control his ulti.ate %re&. He e.%lo&s the sa.e .echanis.s and de*ices. And he du.%s his %ro%s uncere.oniousl& /hen the (o, is done. Another for. of control ,& %ro@& is to engineer situations in /hich a,use is inflicted u%on another %erson. 5uch carefull& crafted scenarios in*ol*e e.,arrass.ent and hu.iliation as /ell as social

sanctions <conde.nation- o%%ro,riu.- or e*en %h&sical %unish.ent=. 5ociet&- or a social grou% ,eco.e the instru.ents of the narcissist. 6hat to do> Often the a,user9s %ro@ies are una/are of their role. E@%ose hi.. 4nfor. the.. De.onstrate to the. ho/ the& are ,eing a,used.isused- and %lain used ,& the a,user. Tra% &our a,user. Treat hi. as he treats &ou. 4n*ol*e others. :ring it into the o%en. Nothing li+e sunshine to disinfest a,use. m+ient +use The fostering- %ro%agation and enhance.ent of an at.os%here of fear- inti.idation- insta,ilit&- un%redicta,ilit& and irritation. There are no acts of tracea,le or %ro*a,le e@%licit a,use- nor an& .ani%ulati*e settings of control. Get- the ir+so.e feeling re.ains- a disagreea,le fore,oding- a %re.onition- a ,ad o.en. This is so.eti.es called IgaslightingI. 4n the long!ter.- such an en*iron.ent erodes one9s sense of self! /orth and self!estee.. 5elf!confidence is sha+en ,adl&. Often- the *icti.s go a %aranoid or schiAoid and thus are e@%osed e*en .ore to criticis. and (udge.ent. The roles are thus re*ersed: the *icti. is considered .entall& disordered and the narcissist 0 the suffering soul or the *icti.. 6hat to do> )unH ?et a/a&H A.,ient a,use often de*elo%s into o*ert and *iolent a,use. Gou don9t o/e an&one an e@%lanation 0 ,ut &ou o/e &ourself a life. :ail out of the relationshi%. #*e 9alignant "3ti=is= o> t*e 0,'sed 4 often co.e across sad e@a.%les of the %o/ers of self!delusion that the narcissist %ro*o+es in his *icti.s. 4t is /hat 4 call I.alignant o%ti.is.I. Peo%le refuse to ,elie*e that so.e questions are unsol*a,le- so.e diseases incura,le- so.e disasters ine*ita,le. The& see a sign of ho%e in e*er& fluctuation. The& read .eaning and %atterns into e*er& rando. occurrence- utterance- or sli%. The& are decei*ed ,& their o/n %ressing need to ,elie*e in the ulti.ate *ictor&

of good o*er e*il- health o*er sic+ness- order o*er disorder. 'ife a%%ears other/ise so .eaningless- so un(ust and so ar,itrar&S 5o- the& i.%ose u%on it a design- %rogress- ai.s- and %aths. This is .agical thin+ing. I4f onl& he tried hard enoughI- I4f he onl& reall& /anted to healII4f onl& /e found the right thera%&I- I4f onl& his defences /ere do/nI- IThere M;5T ,e so.ething good and /orth& under the hideous facadeI- INO ONE can ,e that e*il and destructi*eI- IHe .ust ha*e .eant it differentl&I- I?od- or a higher ,eing- or the s%iritor the soul is the solution and the ans/er to our %ra&ersI- IHe is not res%onsi,le for /hat he is 0 his narcissis. is the %roduct of a difficult childhood- of a,use- and of his .onstrous %arents.I The Poll&anna defences of the a,used are ai.ed against the e.erging and horri,le understanding that hu.ans are .ere s%ec+s of dust in a totall& indifferent uni*erse- the %la&things of e*il and sadistic forces- of /hich the narcissist is one 0 and that finall& their %ain .eans nothing to an&one ,ut the.sel*es. Nothing /hatsoe*er. 4t has all ,een in *ain. The narcissist holds such thin+ing in ,arel& undisguised conte.%t. To hi.- it is a sign of /ea+ness- the scent of %re&- a ga%ing *ulnera,ilit&. He uses and a,uses this hu.an need for order- goodand .eaning 0 as he uses and a,uses all other hu.an needs. ?ulli,ilit&- selecti*e ,lindness- .alignant o%ti.is. 0 these are the /ea%ons of the ,east. And the a,used are hard at /or+ to %ro*ide it /ith its arsenal. )eturn

#+$ 0;#+"R

S*='el DSa=E ?aknin


!'rri('l'= ?itae

:orn in 1 Q1 in Bir&at!Ga.- 4srael. 5er*ed in the 4sraeli Defence 2orce <1 E !1 D"= in training and education units. $d'(ation ?raduated a fe/ se.esters in the Technion 0 4srael 4nstitute of Technolog&- Haifa. Ph.D. in Philoso%h& <.a(or: Philoso%h& of Ph&sics= 0 Pacific 6estern ;ni*ersit&- California- ;5A. M& doctoral thesis and other ,oo+s are a*aila,le through the 'i,rar& of Congress. ?raduate of nu.erous courses in 2inance Theor& and 4nternational Trading. Certified E!Co..erce Conce%ts Anal&st ,& :rain,ench. Certified in Ps&chological Counselling Techniques ,& :rain,ench. Certified 2inancial Anal&st ,& :rain,ench. 2ull %roficienc& in He,re/ and in English. B'siness $53erien(e
89:; to 89:<

2ounder and co!o/ner of a chain of co.%uterised infor.ation +ios+s in Tel!A*i*- 4srael.

89:= to 89:>

5enior %ositions /ith the Nessi. D. ?aon ?rou% of Co.%anies in ?ene*a- Paris and Ne/!Gor+ <NO?A and AP)O24M 5A=: 0 Chief Anal&st of Edi,le Co..odities in the ?rou%9s Headquarters in 5/itAerland 0 Manager of the )esearch and Anal&sis Di*ision 0 Manager of the Data Processing Di*ision 0 Pro(ect Manager of the Nigerian Co.%uterised Census 0 8ice President in charge of )ND and Ad*anced Technologies 0 8ice President in charge of 5o*ereign De,t 2inancing
89:> to 89:?

)e%resented Canadian 8enture Ca%ital 2unds in 4srael.


89:? to 89:@

?eneral Manager of 4PE 'td. in 'ondon. The fir. financed international .ulti!lateral countertrade and leasing transactions.
89:: to 899;

Co!founder and Director of IMi+,ats!TesuahI- a %ortfolio .anage.ent fir. ,ased in Tel!A*i*. Acti*ities included large!scale %ortfolio .anage.ent- under/ritingfore@ trading and general financial ad*isor& ser*ices.
899; to Present

2reelance consultant to .an& of 4srael9s :lue!Chi% fir.s- .ainl& on issues related to the ca%ital .ar+ets in 4srael- Canada- the ;F and the ;5A. Consultant to foreign )ND *entures and to go*ern.ents on .acro! econo.ic .atters. President of the 4srael cha%ter of the Professors 6orld Peace Acade.& <P6PA= and <,riefl&= 4srael re%resentati*e of the I6ashington Ti.esI.
899< to 899A

Co!o/ner and Director of .an& ,usiness enter%rises: 0 The O.ega and Energ& Air!Conditioning Concern 0 A8P 2inancial Consultants

0 Handi.an 'egal 5er*ices 0 Total annual turno*er of the grou%: 1# .illion ;5D. Co!o/ner- Director and 2inance Manager of CO5T4 'td. 0 4srael9s largest co.%uterised infor.ation *endor and de*elo%er. )aised funds through a series of %ri*ate %lace.ents locall& in the ;5A- Canada and 'ondon.
899< to 899?

Pu,lisher and Editor of a Ca%ital Mar+ets Ne/sletter distri,uted ,& su,scri%tion onl& to doAens of su,scri,ers countr&/ide. 4n a legal %recedent in 1 $ 0 studied in ,usiness schools and la/ faculties across 4srael 0 /as tried for his role in an atte.%ted ta+eo*er of 4srael9s Agriculture :an+. 6as interned in the 5tate 5chool of Prison 6ardens. Managed the Central 5chool 'i,rar&- /rote- %u,lished and lectured on *arious occasions. Managed the 4nternet and 4nternational Ne/s De%art.ent of an 4sraeli .ass .edia grou%- IHa!Ti+shoret and Na.erI. Assistant in the 'a/ 2acult& in Tel!A*i* ;ni*ersit& <to Prof. 5.?. 5hoha.=.
899? to 8999

2inancial consultant to leading ,usinesses in Macedonia- )ussia and the CAech )e%u,lic. Colla,orated /ith the Agenc& of Transfor.ation of :usiness /ith 5ocial Ca%ital. Econo.ic co..entator in INo*a Ma+edoni(aI- IDne*ni+IIMa+edoni(a DenesI- I4A*estiaI- IArgu.enti i 2a+tiI- IThe Middle East Ti.esI- IThe Ne/ PresenceI- ICentral Euro%e )e*ie/I- and other %eriodicals- and in the econo.ic %rogra.s on *arious channels of Macedonian Tele*ision. Chief 'ecturer in courses organised ,& the Agenc& of Transfor.ation,& the Macedonian 5toc+ E@change- and ,& the Ministr& of Trade.
8999 to =;;=

Econo.ic Ad*isor to the ?o*ern.ent of the )e%u,lic of Macedonia and to the Ministr& of 2inance.
=;;8 to =;;<

5enior :usiness Corres%ondent for ;nited Press 4nternational <;P4=.

6e, and Bo'rnalisti( 0(tivities Author of e@tensi*e 6e, sites in: 0 Ps&cholog& <IMalignant 5elf 'o*eI= 0 An O%en Director& Cool 5ite0 Philoso%h& <IPhiloso%hical MusingsI=0 Econo.ics and ?eo%olitics <I6orld in Conflict and TransitionI=. O/ner of the Narcissistic A,use Announce.ent and 5tud& 'ist and the Narcissis. )e*isited .ailing list <.ore than P ## .e.,ers=. O/ner of the Econo.ies in Conflict and Transition 5tud& 'ist and the 'in+ and 2actoid 5tud& 'ist. Editor of .ental health disorders and Central and Eastern Euro%e categories in *arious 6e, directories <O%en Director&- 5earch Euro%eMentalhel%.net=. Editor of the Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder- the 8er,al and E.otional A,use- and the 5%ousal <Do.estic= A,use and 8iolence to%ics on 5uite 1#1 and :ellaonline. Colu.nist and co..entator in IThe Ne/ PresenceI- ;nited Press 4nternational <;P4=- 4nternetContent- e:oo+6e,- Po%Matters- and ICentral Euro%e )e*ie/I. P',li(ations and 0&ards IManaging 4n*est.ent Portfolios in 5tates of ;ncertaint&I- 'i.on Pu,lishers- Tel!A*i*- 1 DD IThe ?a.,ling 4ndustr&I- 'i.on Pu,lishers- Tel!A*i*- 1 # I)equesting M& 'o*ed One 0 5hort 5toriesI- Gedioth Aharonot- Tel! A*i*- 1 E IThe 5uffering of :eing Faf+aI <electronic ,oo+ of He,re/ and English 5hort 2iction=- Prague and 5+o%(e- 1 D!"##P IThe Macedonian Econo.& at a Crossroads 0 On the 6a& to a Healthier Econo.&I <dialogues /ith Ni+ola ?rue*s+i=- 5+o%(e- 1 D IThe E@%orters9 Poc+et,oo+I- Ministr& of Trade- )e%u,lic of Macedonia- 5+o%(e- 1 IMalignant 5elf 'o*e 0 Narcissis. )e*isitedI- Narcissus Pu,licationsPrague and 5+o%(e- 1 !"##$ The Narcissis. 5eries <e!,oo+s regarding relationshi%s /ith a,usi*e narcissists=- 5+o%(e- 1 !"##$

IAfter the )ain 0 Ho/ the 6est 'ost the EastI- Narcissus Pu,lications in association /ith Central Euro%e )e*ie/7CEENM4- Prague and 5+o%(e- "### 6inner of nu.erous a/ards- a.ong the. 4srael9s Council of Culture and Art PriAe for Maiden Prose <1 E=- The )otar& Clu, A/ard for 5ocial 5tudies <1 EQ=- and the :ilateral )elations 5tudies A/ard of the A.erican E.,ass& in 4srael <1 ED=. Hundreds of %rofessional articles in all fields of finances and the econo.&- and nu.erous articles dealing /ith geo%olitical and %olitical econo.ic issues %u,lished in ,oth %rint and 6e, %eriodicals in .an& countries. Man& a%%earances in the electronic .edia on su,(ects in %hiloso%h& and the sciences- and concerning econo.ic .atters. 6rite to 9e: %al.a1unet.co...+ narcissistica,use!o/ner1&ahoogrou%s.co. 9- 6e, Sites: EconomyBPolitics: htt%:77ceeand,al+an.tri%od.co.7 Psychology: htt%:77///.narcissistic!a,use.co.7 Philoso&hy: htt%:77%hiloso%hos.tri%od.co.7 Poetry: htt%:77sa.*a+.tri%od.co.7contents.ht.l Fiction: htt%:77sa.*a+.tri%od.co.7si%uri..ht.l

Malignant Self Love


Narcissism Revisited

#*e Book 6)arc ss sts % 8e n a state of constant ra'e1 represse& a''ress on1 en8+ an& hatre&( The+ f r#%+ !e% e8e that e8er+one s % "e the#( As a res$%t1 the+ are parano &1 a''ress 8e1 ha$'ht+ an& errat c( )arc ss sts are fore8er n p$rs$ t of )arc ss st c :$pp%+( The+ "no/ no past or f$t$re1 are not constra ne& !+ an+ !eha8 o$ra% cons stenc+1 Ar$%esA of con&$ct or #ora% cons &erat ons( Fo$ s 'na% to a narc ss st that +o$ are a / %% n' so$rce . an& he s !o$n& to e9tract h s s$pp%+ fro# +o$( Th s s a ref%e9( 3e /o$%& ha8e reacte& a!so%$te%+ the sa#e to an+ other so$rce( If /hat s nee&e& to o!ta n s$pp%+ fro# +o$ s nt #at ons of nt #ac+ . he / %% s$pp%+ the# % !era%%+(6 This ,oo+ is co.%rised of t/o %arts. The first %art is an e@%osition of the *arious %s&chod&na.ic theories regarding %athological narcissis. and a %ro%osed ne/ *oca,ular&. The second %art contains 1#" 2requentl& As+ed Buestions related to the *arious as%ects of %athological narcissis.relationshi%s /ith a,usi*e narcissists- and the Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder <NPD=.

#*e 0't*or 5a. 8a+nin /as ,orn in 4srael in 1 Q1. A financial consultant and colu.nist- he li*ed <and %u,lished= in 1" countries.

He is a %u,lished and a/arded author of short fiction and reference and an editor of .ental health categories in *arious 6e, directories. This is his t/elfth ,oo+.