Judging Boyfriendsand True Love (c) copyright 2004 by Chuck T. Falcon. All rights reserved.

At first a new romance makes life seem almost perfect, but eventually the romance fades and irritations, disagreements, and conflicts arise. The partners often become less considerate and more selfish than before. Unfortunately, many women think they have met Mr. Right, then later find out they were horribly wrong. Dont let this happen to you. Bad relationships often cause depression and a great deal of the stresses women face today. Many people continue love relationships that are unsatisfying, troublesome, emotionally abusive, or even violent. Unhappy people and those with an unhappy childhood or abusive past experiences are particularly likely to mistake a false love for true love. Many women stay in an unsatisfying relationship to combat loneliness or depression, overcome inferiority feelings, or feel more wanted or attractive. Staying in any unfulfilling relationship ties up much of your time and deepest emotions. You gradually become accustomed to unhappy situations, making you an easy target for people who will use or abuse you. Your time and emotional energy are better spent developing interests, activities, ways of meeting people, and a true love relationship. Never settle for less in a relationship. Hold out for what you really want. What Is Love? First, love is caring about your well-being, happiness, and growth. Love is not just a feeling. True love shows itself in actions. Love is protecting you from emotional or physical pain, helping and strengthening you, and improving your life, without asking to be repaid. Love is considerate, kind, sensitive to your feelings and needs, unselfish, patient, gentle, tender, respectful, and loyal. Love accepts imperfection in you without being irritable or prone to anger. A boyfriend who loves you takes interest in your activities, feelings, and ideas. He accepts you as you are and believes in you. He expresses affection and gives approval, praise, comfort, encouragement, and moral support. He performs acts of kindness, helpfulness, and service, even when he must sacrifice to do so. Forgiving you also shows love. Love finds the strength to continue loving, supporting, believing in, and helping you even when it becomes difficult to do so. True love proves itself in times of trouble, when difficulties and

hostilities mount, with patience and help. Nobody can act in perfectly loving ways all the time, but any good, satisfying close relationship includes these kinds of caring, considerate, and emotionally supportive behaviors most of the time seven days a week. Any relationship that doesnt seem on this level for most of the time every day needs serious work that shows improvement over time or needs eliminated. Judge your man by his actions, not by his words. Many men pretend great love just for sex and treat their women badly. Dont confuse great sex with love. Even selfish, immature, or physically or emotionally abusive men can be great in bed. More Advice for Judging Him How do you decide if a boyfriend is good for you or not? Use the list of questions in the box to find out. These questions are very important in judging your relationship. Answering more than a few of these questions negatively indicates serious problems and suggests you should probably end the romance and look for a new romantic partner. Communication is important in any relationship. Beware if you cant discuss certain issues without anger or upset feelings. This suggests you will never resolve the conflict. Questions to Judge Your Relationship

Is your boyfriend often indifferent to your activities, interests, ideas, feelings, or problems? Does he compromise in little things, such as where to go or what to do? Is he selfish? Have you often been very disappointed, hurt, or upset by him? Do you often feel manipulated? Can he admit to making mistakes and apologize? Can he forgive you? How does he treat you when: o He feels angry? o Things go wrong? o You have many problems? When you feel upset or depressed? Does he show patience in anger? Hit walls, throw or break objects, or hurt animals in anger? Does he become angry frequently or unnecessarily? Is his anger sometimes very intense? How does he treat other people when he feels angry? Has he threatened, intimidated, or hit you or anyone else? Can you spontaneously say what you feel, or do certain topics result in bad feelings or trouble? Is he open to your expressing your needs in the relationship, or occasionally unwilling to listen and discuss things? Can you discuss and resolve problems and sensitive issues? Do you both compromise or does he always dominate and you give in? Do you trust him? Is he honest and dependable?

Have there been many lies or deceptions by not telling the whole truth? Do you feel comfortable and relaxed when you are together? Can you enjoy yourself and have fun? Does he show good judgment that considers the future consequences of his actions on both of you? Does he have an alcohol or drug problem? Do you respect each others values and goals? Does he bring out the best in you or does he bring out negative things? o Does this contribute to your problems, such as depression or low selfesteem? Are you both proud to be seen together?

Happy people have personal commitments to the virtues: kindness, helpfulness, generosity, sensitivity to others, loyalty, patience, reliability, responsibility, honesty, work, persistence, good judgment, etc. If he is kind, thoughtful, helpful, and patient with you but not with strangers, things may get much worse after the romance fades, the stresses of life lead to frustrations, and conflicts develop. If he has no strong work ethic or no strong commitment to honesty or reliability, the relationship may become very troublesome in the future. Never meeting his friends and family suggests he is not proud to be seen with you or he doesnt want you to know much about his past or present. If he doesnt see you on a steady basis or he has been absent without explanation several times, he may be lying to you and using you only when no other relationship pleases him.How he behaves in conflicts with other people reveals more about how he will treat you in the years to come than does how he behaves in conflicts with you while dating or during romance. Another sign of trouble is breaking off the relationship one or more times during dating or either persons seriously considering breaking up. Research shows couples who have broken up or had doubts about the wisdom of getting married divorce more often than do couples who never broke up, nor had any serious doubts about the relationship.The questions about hitting walls, throwing or breaking objects, hurting animals, frequent or unnecessary anger, very intense anger, threats or intimidation, and hitting concern danger signals that he may eventually become violent towards you. If your boyfriend has ever emotionally brutalized you with chronic insults or criticism, threats, intimidation, temper tantrums, or sexual exploitation, or if he has ever hit or physically hurt you by pushing you, kicking you, or throwing an object at you, get rid of him and begin looking for a new romance. Unfortunately, anger and verbal or physical abuse generally become worse as a relationship continues, increasing in frequency and severity. If he has ever hit you, realize this may happen again and things may get much worse, no matter what he says. Men who commit violence against women are unlikely to stop their violence, even with counseling.End the relationship, too, if he has problems with alcoholism or drug abuse. These suggest severe problems later on. Wise people end relationships at the first violent or intimidating episode or threat, end relationships with regular yelling or insults, and refuse to become romantically involved with anyone who has an addiction. Clues to A Mans Ability to Love

Can you easily refuse sex when you so desire? o A virtuous person and those who can truly love, honor the word no. Does he have close nonsexual female friends? o Having these kinds of relationships is a good sign, whereas not having them suggests an inability to truly love. How does he feel about women from previous relationships? o This is an important indicator of things to come. How does he treat his parents and family members? o Men who hate parents or family members, especially their mothers, sisters, or female relatives, or who do not treat them with respect, warmth, kindness, and consideration are likely to make poor mates later on. Do his family, coworkers, friends, and neighbors complain about him or report problems? o Ask them about him. o If he doesnt get along well with several of these other people, he may be at fault. o If he denies having any family, close friends, or coworkers, find out from the police department if he has a criminal history or have a detective check him out more carefully. Dating and Asserting Your Need

Yelling in anger, avoiding issues, negative labels or insults (such as inconsiderate, mean, or lazy), and regular criticism are important issues. Avoiding issues may involve refusing to discuss them, ignoring, withdrawing, distancing, or giving the silent treatment. If your boyfriend ever does any of these things and wont work on it enough to show continuous improvement over time, get rid of him. Wise people understand that a person who avoids issues makes a poor partner, so they look elsewhere for someone more willing to work to improve their relationships. Go slow in romance and sex. Date a variety of people and dont slip quickly into sex and the dependency of strong emotional involvement. Date any new romantic prospect for months and months before becoming deeply involved, so you can begin to evaluate his selfishness, control of anger when upset, and kindness when disappointed. Trusting a man before he earns that trust is dangerous. Never marry someone without having known that person for at least one year. Without one years acquaintance, you really dont have enough time to judge how the marriage might go after the initial glow of romance fades. You need at least one year of shared experiences to judge compatibility and evaluate the important issues described here. Dont count on marriage, an engagement, or living together to improve things or settle a man down. Many men get worse after marriage or a commitment. Learn to quickly end new relationships that arent extremely respectful. Tactfully assert yourself anytime you feel the least bit uncomfortable about treatment you receive. Start with polite requests, then if necessary, repeatedly insist on negotiation and compromise.

Use I feel (an emotion) when (this happened) statements, but not I feel you ... or I feel (an emotion) when you ... statements, which often lead to critical, blaming comments. Define problems in very specific, observable actions (actions, words, tone of voice, and facial expression). Practice making your needs and desires known, putting forth your opinion, requests, demands, saying no, complaining about treatment you dont like, and refusing sex when you so desire. Dont worry about whether you will lose your boyfriend by practicing assertiveness. Losing a selfish boyfriend is much better than risking the nightmare of abuse later on! Never submit to pressure that seems the least bit unfriendly. End the relationship if you regularly find yourself stifling anger, smoothing things over, catering to him to avoid trouble, apologizing despite mistreatment, or receiving unfair blame or criticism. If you dont do these things, you make it easy for other people to use or abuse you. Be wary of very jealous men who think you will become unfaithful just because you talk to another man or dance with an old friend. Be wary of men who dont seem to like your having too many friends, who feel hatred or disgust for women from previous romances or women in their family, or who abuse alcohol or drugs, have spent time in jail, or experienced abuse as children. For your own safety, never fall in love with a troubled man, hoping to change him. If you have experienced abuse in the past, either as a child or in an adult love relationship, be very cautious in choosing love relationships. Realize that a stable and kind relationship may seem dull compared to a chaotic abusive relationship, with its roller coaster fights and reconciliations. Avoid being extra nice and trying to please when you are angry. Learn to assert yourself in the ways discussed above. Most abused women are unassertive and overly compliant, but many also tend to be overly suspicious. Learn to recognize when slights and disappointments are not deliberate attempts to hurt you

How to Show a Girl You Love Her Through Romantic GesturesThrough Your Behavior Edited by Oliver, BR, Teresa, Emmie and 13 others

If you love a girl, it's important to let her know. But if you're too shy or nervous to say those three little words out loud, don't worry. There are many ways you can show a girl how much you care, through your actions, words and behavior, until you work up the courage to finally say the words. Here are some great suggestions on how to show a girl that you love her.

Method 1 of 2: Through Romantic Gestures

1.

1 Send her flowers. It may seem clich, but nothing says "I love you" like a beautiful bunch of flowers. However, you should try and put a little effort into it - don't just pick up the first bunch

that's on sale at the supermarket. Go the extra mile by finding out from friends or family what type of flowers are her favorite and have them specially delivered to her home.

For added romance, you can attach a romantic note to the flowers. It can be something short and sweet like "beautiful flowers for a beautiful girl" or something a little lengthier, like a romantic quote from a poem or song.

If you're short on cash, don't worry. You don't need to buy the most expensive, imported flowers available. In fact, a single red rose or a freshly-picked bunch of wildflowers can be infinitely more romantic than a generic, pre-arranged bouquet.

2.

Cook her favorite dinner. You can show a girl you love her by investing a little time and effort into something that will make her happy, like cooking her favorite dinner. If you've been seeing her for a while, you should have a pretty good idea of what she likes. Just don't go for anything too complicated if you've never made it before. Make the meal extra romantic by setting the table nicely, lighting some candles and playing some mood music in the background.

You can choose to let her know what you're planning and tell her to dress nicely for dinner or you can take her completely by surprise - just make sure she'll be home on time and that she'll definitely come home alone!

Don't worry if you're not a master chef, it's really the thought that counts. However, if you're worried about the food being at least edible, you can try practicing your dish on family or friends first.

3.

3 Write her a love letter. Writing a love letter is a truly romantic way to show a girl you love her and is something she can cherish forever. This is an especially good option if you have difficulty verbalizing your feelings - all you need to do is whip out a pen and let your heart do the talking. You can give the letter to her in person or send it by mail for extra surprise factor.

Take inspiration from the words of great writers such as Shakespeare, Lord Byron or Emily Dickinson if you have difficulty getting started, or look up some famous, romantic quotes that you can incorporate into your letter.

You could also write her a nice email or text message, but there's nothing like snail mail for a bit of old-fashioned romance. Alternatively, if you want to get even more creative you could try putting your feelings into a song or a poem. You could sing the song in person or record it and send it to her if you're feeling a little shy.

4.

4 Take her out. Take some initiative and plan out a whole romantic evening for the two of you. You could go the classic route of dinner and a movie, or you could try to personalize the experience by recreating your first date or taking her to the place where the two of you first met.

The time and effort required to plan out a really special for the two of you will speak for itself and she'll know how much you care.

Try to think about her interests rather than your own - for example, you shouldn't take her bowling if you know she'd really prefer to go ice skating. Try to come up with some creative ideas, based on her interests and hobbies. If she's outgoing, take her hiking or paint-balling. If she likes to have fun, take her to a theme park or arcade. If she's more into music or drama, get tickets to see a band or a play.

5.

Compliment her. This is an easy one. If you really love this girl it should be no problem to find 101 things you like about her and can compliment her on. You can compliment her on her appearance: whether it's something she prides herself on, like her long, shiny hair or amazing green eyes, or something that she feels self-conscious about, like her curves or crooked smile. You shouldn't just focus on her appearance though, you should also compliment her on her best personality traits or something she's done well on.

For example, you could tell her that you love her kind heart and the way she's always doing things for others, or compliment her on what a great job she did at a recent sports event or on a particular homework assignment.

Compliments should always be sincere. If you tell her something that's not true, she may be able to tell that the compliment is fake and the whole thing will backfire completely. Keep it genuine and heartfelt.

6.

6 Surprise her. Surprises are a great way to show a girl that you've been thinking about her and that you're willing to do anything just to make her smile. You don't need to plan a massive party or buy her a puppy or anything (though these ideas may work in certain circumstances!) A surprise can be as simple as showing up at her house with a tub of ice cream and her favorite DVD when she's had a bad day, or leaving a little note in her purse or under her pillow to find when she's least expecting it.

Some girls aren't too fond of surprises, so if you're unsure about something you're planning, try to sneakily suss out her feelings or slip her some subtle hints before you do anything too crazy.

This step only counts if it's a good surprise - it's not advisable to show up with a tattoo of her face on your forearm or the news that you're moving to another state. These type of surprises typically don't go down so well.

7.

7 Tell her you love her. Well, duh. If you really love this girl, the easiest, most straight-forward way to show her is just to tell her. You don't need to make a big song and dance about it, or trail a banner with the words "I love you" from an airplane, you simply need to take a moment when the two of you are sharing an intimate moment alone and say those three little words, seriously and sincerely.

If the exact words "I love you" are a little too scary or intense, try saying something to the same effect, such as "I think I'm falling for you" or something cheesy like "you've completely stolen my heart". She'll get the idea.

If it's your first time to say it, don't be too disheartened if she doesn't say it back right away. She may just need a little more time to process the information. Remember that "I love you" is not a question that demands an answer.

On the other hand, she might be completely over the moon that you've finally mustered up the courage to tell her how you feel and jump at the opportunity to return the words she's been longing to hear. You'll never know until you go for it!

EditMethod 2 of 2: Through Your Behavior

1.

Be kind. Show your girl that you love her by always being kind to her, no matter where you are or who you're with. It doesn't matter if you're the nicest guy in the world when the two of you are alone, if you're a jerk to her in front of your friends. You need to inhabit the Mr. Nice Guy persona 100% of the time.

Being kind to your girl includes listening to her, always respecting her opinion (even if you disagree), complimenting her, never making her feel bad about herself and doing nice things for her, without needing to be asked.

The whole "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen" philosophy is completely overrated, girls want to be with guys who treat them well, especially when it comes to committed relationships.

2.

2 Be honest. Honesty is so important when it comes to love. If you are dishonest, your girl won't be able to trust you, which doesn't bode well for your relationship. You should always tell the truth, whether it's about why you never called her last night, or admitting it was you who broke her favorite mug. She might be angry at the time, but she'll appreciate your honesty in the longrun.

You should also be honest in terms of your feelings towards her. If you're falling in love with her, but haven't said anything about it, muster your courage and tell her. Honesty is always the best policy when it comes to emotions.

Tackle any problems or worries you face together, don't bottle things up. That way, she'll know that you trust her. The two of you will be closer and your relationship will be stronger for it.

3.

3 Be thoughtful. Small, thoughtful words and actions are a great way to show a girl you love her. Being thoughtful shows a girl that you listen to her and that you are considerate of her thoughts and feelings. Being thoughtful may be something that comes naturally to you, otherwise you may need to put in a little extra effort to show you care. You can do this by finding out more about her likes and dislikes and by suppressing any selfish tendencies so you can try to put her needs first.

Some examples of ways you can be more thoughtful include: finding out how she likes her coffee (sugar, cream, etc.) and bringing her a cup in the morning or at lunch; letting her choose

what movie to go and see, even if it's something you're not particularly interested in; picking up on any comments she might have made about a book she wants to read or a CD she'd like to listen to and buying it for her. You should also make an effort to remember important dates or occasions, like her birthday or the anniversary of your first date, and mark it by giving her a cupcake or a cute card.

Being thoughtful also means being considerate of how your actions will affect her. Like if you're planning a night out with the guys and won't be able to contact her, you should let her know and tell her you'll call her in the morning. That way she won't be wondering where you are. Or if you have a lot of female friends, your should avoid flirting with them or being overly touchy-feely with them while she's around, as this might make her feel insecure.

4.

Be affectionate. Being affectionate is an obvious and great way to show a girl you love her. Being affectionate includes holding her hand, giving her lots of hugs andkisses, and calling her by a pet name like "honey", "sweetheart" or something more personal to the two of you. You don't have to reserve this affectionate behavior for when the two of you are alone, you can be affectionate in public or with friends by standing or sitting near her and putting your arm around her shoulders or waist. Show the world that you're proud to be with this girl and she'll know you love her.

You should try to be the one to initiate contact sometimes. Grab her hand when you're walking down the street or surprise her with a bear hug from behind. Little things like this can really make a girl feel special.

Just be conscious of doing things that she might feel uncomfortable with. She may not appreciate you being all over her around her friends and family as this can make her feel awkward. Be considerate of her feelings and make sure you know where the boundaries are.

5.

5 Be chivalrous. Prove that chivalry is not dead by acting like a gentleman towards your girl (and any other women in your life). Try opening doors for her, letting her order first at a restaurant, offering her your jacket if she's cold and waiting to make sure she gets inside okay when you drop her home. In general, you should try to make her feel both safe and respected, without being in any way condescending. Let her know that you'll always have her back and that you'll stand up for her when she needs you.

Be aware that being a gentleman does not mean that you should do everything for her all the time or assume that she can't manage on her own, as she may find this disrespectful. Tell her that you love how independent she is, but that you like doing things for her from time to time.

Being chivalrous is less about treating her like a damsel in distress and more about giving her the respect she deserves.

6.

6 Be supportive. Try to be as encouraging and supportive as possible towards the girl you love. This means that you should encourage her goals and dreams, and not dismiss them or laugh them off as being silly or unrealistic. You should help her out whenever you can, or just be there for her when she needs you. She'll appreciate it more than you know.

You can be supportive of her in a multitude of ways, whether it's by going to see the play she has a supporting role in, by listening to her practice the presentation she has to give at work or school, or just by giving her a shoulder to cry on when she needs to vent.

7.

7 Be there for her. You can really show a girl you love her by being there for her whenever she needs you most. Whether she's had a fight with her best friend, didn't get the exam results she was hoping for, or is grieving for a lost loved one, your job is to be there for her and let her know that you love her no matter what. It's fine to be with her during the good times, but the true test of your love is whether you can stick it out during the bad times. Be there for her when she really needs you and she'll have no doubt about your feelings for her.

You can be there for someone in a number of ways. You can simply give them a shoulder to cry on, boost their confidence by reminding them what a great person they are, or just take their mind of things by doing something fun with them. Try to read the situation to figure out what she needs the most.

You can also show a girl you love her by letting her be there for you when you need it. Don't shut her out or leave her in the dark when you're going through a rough patch, let her in and share your feelings with her. She'll know that you trust her and depend on her and you'll both realize that you're stronger together.

Can one woman love two men? Is it possible for a woman to love two men? When and why does it happen? Read on for answers By: MINNU Bhonsle, RAJAN Bhonsle | July 26, 2009 | Topics: Couple Issues| Filed under: Articles

Vanita had fallen head over heels in love with a participant from her course. She was married [against her parents' wishes] to a hard-working, middle-class boy from her medical college. Actually, she wanted to study literature, but ended up becoming a doctor to fulfill her parents wishes. After marriage, she had settled down to keep house for her husband and had two children. At the time it provided a refreshing change from the stress of fulfilling her parents ambitions. Slowly, her husband got busy as his medical practice flourished. Vanita claimed that he didnt even have time for romance. She complained that in the little time that he did spend with her, he discussed medical cases or future plans for the family. He was a gentle man, but she did not feel cherished in the relationship. She met us saying, I love two men, and I dont want to choose. I am in a moral dilemma. My husband has been a gentle, caring person who works hard for the family. I value that and respect him immensely, but my lover makes me feel cherished as a woman. My body burns with passion for him. What went wrong? Marriage is a package deal, and one needs to accept what comes in it. No partner can be perfect and many marriages fall prey to the utopia syndrome of unrealistic expectations of a fairy-tale life. Reading too many romantic novels could make one lose touch with reality. And many marriages have suffered because of such unrealistic expectations based on fiction. Not being able to appreciate what you have in reality is the fallout of comparisons with perfect fairy tales. Your partner is a gift from God, and you need to appreciate and accept this gift just like you would accept and appreciate Gods gift in nature. When you see a spectacular sunset, you dont say, a little more orange around the sun please, and a little pink on the clouds. How about a little deep purple on the waves? You enjoy the sunset just the way it is. People are just as much gifts of nature as sunsets. So why cant they be enjoyed as they are?

Another case in point Raised in an orthodox family, Surabhi was not allowed the freedom every teenager craves. So, she escaped the parental prison by marrying her best friends brother. After marriage, she was given every freedom and she revelled in it. Her husband went to great lengths to keep her happy. The rebel child in her found instant gratification in the husband who was like a pampering parent. Now, she sought a more adult relationship, which she found with one of her husbands friends. This man was always upfront and assertive with her and did not give in to each of her whims and fancies. She was immensely attracted by this quality, and found herself at a crossroads when he proposed marriage. On one hand, she felt grateful to her husband to let her experience life in all its colours and loved her lifestyle with him. On the other hand, she felt like a woman with her boyfriend and respected him for not indulging her whims. Once again, there is a woman who loved two men for different reasons. But is it really love? What is love really? Love has various levels, from merely seeking satisfaction for oneself to meeting the needs of others. Human love moves along a continuum, from the pole of self-centredness to the pole of other-centredness. There are many words for love in the Greek language: storge refers to love between a parent and child, eros refers to passionate and sexual love, philia refers to real affection between close friends, and agape refers to unconquerable benevolence and invincible goodwillthe highest and purest form of love. Often a woman who finds herself drawn to two men, is one whose certain desires are being satisfied by one man and certain others by another. She wants both of them for what they bring to her life. For her, giving up one man means giving up some of those desires, which she is not prepared to do. More often than not, this problem arises when we look at a relationship, based purely on our own gratification [I-centric], and not as a mutually shared partnership [we-centric], where the relationship, the we, the us is valued and where healthy negotiations take place. A we-centric person takes the effort to communicate to the partner that certain basic valid relationship needs are not being fulfilled. Through such healthy and open communication,

mutual understanding and negotiations take place. The we-centric person also knows the delicate art of when and what to negotiate and when and what to simply let go and ignore. In giving we receive A meaningful life can result only from the experience of love in our life, and this implies a commitment and dedication to another. Love does not ask the question, What am I getting out of this? as the criterion of fulfilment. Love takes time, demands a history of giving and receiving, laughing and crying, living and dying; it never promises instant gratification, only ultimate fulfilment. Love means believing in someone, in something, it supposes a willingness to struggle, to work, to suffer and to join in the rejoicing. There has not been even one recorded case of deep and lasting fulfilment by a person whose basic mind-set and only question was, what am I getting out of this? Satisfaction and fulfilment are the by-products of committed and dedicated love. They belong only to those who can reach beyond themselves, and to whom giving is more important than receiving. Sometimes we are tempted to confuse good times with a good life. A successful pursuit of endless good times is something that can never really exist, and can only result in the inevitable sadness and disappointment of unfulfilled expectations. You obviously dont want love, if you dont want to:

Break the fixation with self and give up your self-centeredness Learn how to care about and be sincerely dedicated to the satisfaction of another Become a sensitive listener, who hears what is said and also what is isnt Postpone personal gratification to meet the needs of another Get in touch with your deepest feelings and most hidden thoughts Share your most vulnerable self as an act of love Get honest feedback from someone who really knows you through your own self-disclosure Work at the delicate art of communication and shared decision-making.

Man goes through life, selfishly blind to anything and anyone other than himself. Poor me, I want, I need, I feel, my life form the sub-stratum of his life. If we step out of our self-consumed world, we can understand for the first time, the true meaning of love. In the words of St Francis of Assisi, It is in giving that we receive. We are transformed by love. What we receive in giving is so much more than we can ever give. It leaves us feeling grateful to those who allow us to love them, eternally grateful for the opportunity to experience the gift of love. Ask yourself, Have you ever lived for someone more than you live for yourself? If not, today is your chance.

12 Real Signs of True Love in a Relationship

True love is the true definition of a perfect romance. But its not easy to find. Do you see these 12 signs of true love in your own relationship? By Elizabeth Arthur

True love isnt felt in a heartbeat or in a second glance. True love takes time to take shape. And contrary to popular belief, love at first sight isnt really love at all. In fact, love at first sight is nothing but an infatuation. Its a strong surge of romantic and sexual emotions that overwhelm you. Before you wonder what true love is all about and what the signs of true love really are, you need to understand that its very important to take things slow in a relationship if you want to ensure its success. [Read: 10 reasons why saying 'I love you' too soon sucks]

When you first start dating someone or fall for someone at first sight, what you experience isnt love. As much as you feel like youre head over heels in love, you really arent. Youre just experiencing the first stage of love, a small part in the stages of love known as the infatuation stage. [Read: The 9 stages of love all couples go through] What is true love then? True love, ironically, cant be defined. Its the kind of love many of us chase after, but few truly find or realize it until its too late. So what is true love really? True love is the kind of love and affection you have for someone that isnt bound by the laws of human behavior. Human behavior is simple to understand. When someone hurts you, you get angry with them. When someone gets lucky or gets a better job, you get jealous of them. And when someone shatters your ego or humiliates you, you want your revenge. This is human behavior, because these traits are engrained within us. But when you experience true love with someone, your primal instincts and behavior change only towards this person. True love transcends typical human behavior. It makes you a better human being towards a special someone. [Read: A true story of unconditional love] When does one experience true love? True love takes time to bloom. What you experience in the first year or so of a relationship is infatuation and sexual attraction. As the bursts of infatuation start to fade with the first few arguments and the first few misunderstandings, thats when love starts to enter the picture. And this is where most couples start to drift away emotionally, or even end up breaking up because of incompatibilities. If youre in a relationship where both of you truly understand each other and feel compatible with each other, and most importantly, love each other, chances are, youre experiencing true love already. [Read: 50 questions to test your compatibility in the relationship] Experiencing true love in your life

Is true love a once in a lifetime experience? Not really. You can experience them many times over, and with many people at the same time. You can experience true love with your spouse or your lover, your children and any other person youre attached to in your life. But true love too, can fade with time. For most of us, our first love is the first time we would have experienced the purest form of true love. We arent afraid to let this special someone into our heart and we arent afraid to experience heartbreak because we still dont know what heartbreak feels like. Were fearless in love and we love passionately with all our heart. [Read: How to know if you're in love in the infatuation stage] But when the first romance dies, the true love we had for our first partner too eventually fades, even if it takes years and several new relationships to overcome. And as we enter more relationships, most of us split into two groups. One that believes in true romantic love and the other group that convinces itself that true love doesnt exist. The kind of relationships youve had in your lifetime can play a big part in your understanding of, and expectations from, true love. And if youre wondering whether true love and romantic love are the same, it really isnt, even though we almost always associate true love with romantic love. True love is love in its purest form, while romantic love needs sexual attraction to stay alive. [Read: 25 rules you need to know to have a perfect relationship] True love cant be forced True love has to be experienced naturally and wholeheartedly. You cant fake true love no matter how hard you try. If a couple fails to pass the test of compatibility in their infatuation stage, its pretty hard for both of them to ever experience true love. On the other hand, if both partners can understand each other and relate to each other, theyll start to love each others company and start to become inseparable. And eventually, this bond will turn into a pure and selfless love that we call true love. [Read: How to stay in love forever and keep love alive in your romance] The 12 signs of true love in a perfect romance True love may be hard to define, but the signs to read true love can be clearly seen in every perfect loving relationship. If youre in a relationship and want to know if youre experiencing the purest form of love, use these 12 signs of true love to find out for yourself. #1 Give and take in love. You give to the relationship wholeheartedly, without any desire or expectations of getting something back in return from your partner to justify your actions.

#2 Pure happiness. Just watching this special person smile or laugh out loud fills you with intense happiness, even if youre suffering or having a hard day. #3 Pain and anger. You get terribly hurt when your lover upsets you, but their actions never anger you. You may get annoyed or frustrated now and then momentarily, but you just cant stay mad at them for long because staying mad or giving them the silent treatment hurts you more. [Read: The effective way to give someone the silent treatment in a relationship] #4 Sacrifices. You make sacrifices for their happiness or wellbeing, even if they may never realize it. #5 The right effort. You go to great lengths and make an effort to improve the relationship, and play a conscious part in trying to please your partner and make them feel loved and special. #6 You cant ever hurt them. When youre truly in love with someone, you cant even imagine hurting them, emotionally or physically. Payback is a strong human instinct, but true love makes you completely selfless. [Read: 15 subtle and yet shocking signs of a controlling partner] #7 You keep your promises. When you make a promise to them, you stick to your word even if this person will never find out if you broke their promise. When you experience true love, your moral conscience becomes very strong when it comes to this one special person. #8 We. In a perfect relationship, its good to have your own space to grow as individuals. But at the same time, if you truly love your partner, youd see them as a part of your life. When you think of your future, you cant help but see them by your side. [Read: How to give space in a relationship and come closer] #9 You share their burden. And you do that even if you dont really have to. You cant bear to see this special someone suffering. If theyre dealing with some issue, youre always willing to offer them a helping hand even when you have your own difficulties to look into. #10 Pride and jealousy. You beam with pride when they achieve something, even if its the same thing you failed at. You may get jealous of a friend who outdid you, but when you love someone, jealousy never enters the picture. #11 Suffering. Youd be willing to suffer, just to see them happy. #12 Their perspective. Everything you do, you keep your lover in mind and think from their perspective, be it about planning a surprise party or hanging out with your own friends after work. You dont ever want to hurt your lover, so you always think from their point of view before making any decision that involves them in any way. Are you experiencing true love?

If youre in a relationship and arent experiencing these true love signs, dont fret. Perhaps, your relationship hasnt reached the state of emotional maturity that surpasses physical attraction or the stage of infatuation. Take your time and test the waters. You cant fall in love with someone by forcing yourself into the relationship. If its not working out, try to understand each other better. And if nothing you do can bring happiness back into love, perhaps both of you would be better off dating other people. [Read: 25 things to talk about to create a truly happy relationship] But at the same time, if both of you are already happy in the relationship, dont try to change anything about it. Sometimes, selfless and unconditional love takes time to materialize. Remember, you cant push yourself into the next stage in love unless both of you are ready for it. As long as your lover and you are happy and understand each other, youre already experiencing the perfect kind of love! [Read: 10 types of love you'll experience in your lifetime] Use these 12 signs of true love to understand what true selfless love really means. And even if youre not there yet, dont worry about it. Its only a matter of time before a happy romance goes the true love way!

As a young person grows into adulthood, he or she becomes aware of a powerful new force in the body. This powerful new force is the sex drive. The appetite for sex is something God created within us. It is not dirty or evil. The sex drive was Gods ideanot ours. He created those hormones within us that make the opposite sex appealing to us. Sex as God intended it to be is beautiful. Everything that God creates is good. Think of a person driving a car. The driver reaches a place in the road where he must choose to either turn left or right. To his left he sees a large sign that says, One Way, Do Not Enter. The driver makes his decision and turns left, in direct opposition to what the sign told him to do. He is now going the wrong way down the street, breaking the law and risking injury to himself and others.

This is similar to the choices we must make regarding our sex drive. The sex drive is not sinful, but God tells us that we must control this desire. He has stated many times in the Bible that we are to keep ourselves pure and to save our body for the person we will some day marry. Like the driver of the car going the wrong way down the street, disobeying what God has told us to do is sin and causes injury to ourselves and others. We sin when we choose to satisfy the sex drive in a wrong way. God created all living creatures with the ability to reproduce themselves. Animals have a powerful sex drive which brings the male and female together for sex. However, in the case of animals, the sex drive is seasonal. The female will accept the male only during the time when she is in heat. The rest of the time she has no interest in sex. Apparently, in the case of animals, God intended the sex drive to be only for the purpose of reproduction. With human beings it is different. God gave us the sex drive both as a means of reproduction and as the means by which a husband and wife can express to the fullest their love for each other. Actually there are several ways God could have made us. He could have made us with only a seasonal sex drive such as the animals have, but this would have given only limited enjoyment of sex. He could have made us with a constant sex drive, but this would have made life unbearable. God had something better for us than either of these ways. He made us with a potential sex desire which can be activated by stimulation. This means that a husband and wife can live together without being controlled by their sexual appetites. But they can, at the proper time, stimulate each others sexual desires. Within marriage, the powerful sexual desires which are aroused when a husband and wife stimulate each other can be satisfied legitimately in sexual intercourse. That is the way God intended it to be. But these same powerful desires and passions can be aroused outside of marriage. In this case, however, there is no legitimate outlet for these aroused desires. To stop short of sexual intercourse leads to frustration, and to go on leads to fornicationone of the most damaging sins that young people can possibly be involved in. This is why the Bible warns against stimulating the powerful sex desires outside of marriage.

We can compare the sex drive to a steam boiler. When a fire is built under a steam boiler, the water inside is converted into steam. This steam is under tremendous pressure, but a proper outlet is provided. It is used to drive a turbine which produces electricity. However, if a fire is built under the boiler and there is no safe outlet for the steam, the boiler will explode. Sex is the wonderful gift of God, but do not build the fires of sexual passion unless you have a proper outlet for the tremendous physical and emotional pressures that are built up. The only safe and proper outlet which the Bible recognizes is marriage. Outside of marriage, it is wrong to arouse and stimulate sexual desires. All our senses play a part in sexual stimulation but there is a difference in the way guys and girls react. Girls are stimulated primarily by touch, but guys are stimulated by what they see as well as by touch. A girl in a tight sweater or a revealing blouse can excite a guy sexually. Some girls know this. They know just how to dress, how to walk, how to sit, and to move so as to stimulate guys. This is wrong because it causes the guys to think sinful thoughts. A girl may try to excuse herself by saying, If they didnt have evil minds, they wouldnt think those thoughts. The Bible says it is a sin to cause someone else to sin. Looking at lustful pictures, reading pornographic magazines, listening to music with a beat and words designed to produce lust, and going to a movie filled with lustful scenesall of these are things which build the fires of sexual lust and passion. The Bible warns against doing this. Gods Word says, Do not make ways for the flesh [your sinful fleshly desires], to fulfill its lusts (Romans 13:14). In understanding the sex drive, young people should know that they can deny the sex drive without suffering any harmful effects whatsoever. The sex drive is different from the hunger drive in that you cannot survive very long without eating, but you can deny the sex drive indefinitely without any ill effects. Without a doubt, sex is important, but sex is never an

emergency. Many people go through their entire lives without sexual intercourse and still have full, happy lives. Sometimes a fellow will become so aroused by caressing and other forms of stimulation that he will tell his girl, Weve gone this far; youve just got to let me! This sounds as though some terrible thing will happen to him if she does not give in, but this is not true. If he does not have sexual intercourse, he will not suffer any ill effects whatsoever. But it is certainly not wise to let things go that far. A special word to the guys: A young man has strong sexual desires as he grows into manhood. His body is producing sperm by the hundreds of thousands. These sperm are stored in his body. If he is unmarried and living a life of purity, there will be times when his storehouse is overfilled. God has so designed the human body that, when this happens, the surplus is discharged during sleep. This is known as a nocturnal emission or a wet dream. This is perfectly normal for a young man and nothing to be ashamed of. It should be, in fact, a matter of thanksgiving to the Lord for the relief it gives. a tragic example from the life of King David The Lord Jesus had some strong words to say concerning the matter of lust. Jesus said,Whoever looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart (Matthew 5:28). David was a great man of God. He wrote many of the Psalms. He was the greatest king that the nation of Israel ever had. But David allowed lust to overcome him and he committed two of the worst sins that a person can commitadultery and murder. The Bible tells us exactly how this happened. One night David was walking on the roof of his palace and he saw below a beautiful woman bathing. Sometimes you cannot help the first look, but David looked again and again until the fires of passion were raging in his heart. He sent for Bathsheba and committed adultery with her.

Some time later, Bathsheba sent word to David informing him that she was pregnant. Since Bathshebas husband had been away on military duty for some time, David realized that his sin of adultery would soon be exposed. In order to cover up his sin and enable him to marry Bathsheba, David arranged to have Bathshebas husband killed. Then he proceeded to marry Bathsheba. He seemed to have been successful in covering up his sins of adultery and murder, but the Bible says that the thing David had done displeased the Lord. God sent the prophet Nathan to confront David with his sins of adultery and murder. David truly repented of his sins and confessed them to God. David said, Have mercy on me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness: according to the multitude of Your tender mercies, blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin (Psalms 51:1,2).

David was truly broken hearted over his sins. God forgave David and restored him to fellowship with Himself. But David still had to reap the consequences of his sins. The Bible says, Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatever a man sows, that shall he also reap (Galatians 6:7). Because of Davids sins, God sent word to him through the prophet Nathan that the sword would never depart from his house. This meant that David would have much sorrow and tragedy in his family. This came to pass, just as God had said. The son born to Bathsheba died. Amnon, one of Davids sons, raped his half-sister, Tamar. Another son murdered Amnon. Another of Davids sons, Absalom, led a rebellion against his father and was killed in battle. These were some of the terrible consequences of Davids sin. From this account of Davids great sin, we can learn two important lessons: Although we may be forgiven of our sins, we must reap the consequences of our actions. Some sins have terrible, lifetime consequences. You may say, That wont happen to me. But it can! David was a spiritual giant, but even he was not strong enough to overcome his lust once he had allowed his passions to be stimulated. Neither will you be able to overcome your lust if you allow your passions to be aroused. No one can seek and submit to sexual stimulation continually and not sin. The Bible says,He that sows to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption [rottenness] (Galatians 6:8). To protect the wonderful gift of sex, God has given certain rules or commandments. Let us consider some of them.

Rule #1: Avoid fornication Fornication is voluntary sexual intercourse between an unmarried man and an unmarried woman. This sin has disastrous consequences. The Bible says, the body is not for fornication, but for the Lord Flee fornication. He that commits fornication sins against his own body (1 Corinthians 6:13,18). Rule #2: Do not cause others to sin The Bible says that it is a sin for a man to lust after a woman in his heart. It is likewise a sin on the part of a woman to deliberately dress and act in a way so as to cause a man to lust. Some girls dress and act in such ways as to cause young men to lust after them. They say, That is their problem, but one day girls who do this will have to answer to God for causing others to sin. Rule #3: Do not let others cause you to sin

Jesus said, Whoever commits sin is the slave of sin (John 8:34). Some who have gone into sexual immorality take pleasure in dragging others down to their level. They talk about being free to do what they want to do, while all the time they are in bondage to their sins. The Bible says, While they promise others liberty, they themselves are the slaves of sin... (2 Peter 2:19). Rule #4: Avoid abnormal sexual desire Any deviation from the normal man-woman sexual relationship is a misuse and abuse of the sexual nature which God implanted in us. In His Word, God says, If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination [sin]... (Leviticus 20:13). The Bible says that God destroyed the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah because of their

widespread practice of homosexuality. Gods Word says that this is a warning to all that live ungodly. (See 2 Peter 2:6.) Rule #5: Do not tease Teasing is arousing sexual desires in another person which you cannot legitimately fulfill. We are not to light the fires of passion in another person. This is sin in Gods sight. Rule #6: Keep yourself pure This means that you are to avoid all sexual immorality. There is no greater gift you can give to your future husband or wife when you marry than the gift of purity. This applies to the fellows as well as the girls. Rule #7: Do Not give or take that which one day may rightfully belong to another. One thing that is so wrong about fornication is that those who engage in it are giving or taking that which one day may rightfully belong to someone else. The guy who gives up his purity is taking from his future wife that which rightfully belongs to her. The girl who gives up her purity is taking from her future husband that which rightfully belongs to him. Their partners are likewise guilty. God will judge those who do this. The Bible says, That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter: because the Lord is the avenger of all such (1 Thessalonians 4:6). Rule #8: Avoid things which stir up lust The Bible warns against the dangers of stimulating the sex drive outside of marriage. The Bible says, Flee also youthful lusts (2 Timothy 2:22). The way to flee youthful lusts is to turn totally away from anything that leads to lust. Lust may look harmless, but it is a deadly enemy. Suppose a fellow has a date tonight. Before going out he reads a magazine which is designed to produce lust. He looks at pictures which stimulate his sexual desire. He listens to music which has both words and beat which produce lust. He picks up his girl to go to a movie. Guess what movie they attendone full of lust, designed to stir up sexual passions. Is he fleeing youthful lusts? No, he is promoting them. After the movie they park in a secluded place. Both have already been aroused by what they have seen and heard. They engage in petting and before long they are having sex. Should they be surprised when this happens? No, they should not. It is the logical outcome of all that went before. The Bible says, Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? (Proverbs 6:27,28).

Just as you cannot walk on fiery coals and not be burned, so you cannot continually seek and submit to sexual stimulation without sinning. Sex is the gift of a loving God. It invigorates a marriage and adds zest to life. It is such an exhilarating experience that it enables a husband and wife to be truly one. The Bible says,...they two shall become one flesh (Ephesians 5:31). This oneness is more than simply physical oneness. It is a union of two peoplebody, soul, and spirit. The very maximum enjoyment of sex is attained when both husband and wife are Christians and thus one in the Lord. When this is the case, they experience a oneness that is beyond anything else in this world. God has put His blessing on sex within marriage. In His Word, God says, Let your fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of your youthbe ravished always with her love (Proverbs 5:18,19). You can see from these verses that God is certainly in favor of romance in marriage. God loves to see a joyful marriage and a happy home. If you are married for forty years, God wants you and your mate to have forty love-filled years. Looking at the chart below, it seems likely that your dating time will be short compared to your married time. It is definitely to your best interests to wait for the right person, the right time, and the right circumstances.

This applies to the wonderful gift of sex. You can choose momentary pleasure and reap the bitter harvest of your wrongdoing, or you can wait for the right person and the right time and enjoy it to the fullest over the longest period of time. Sex is not a game or a playtoy, but a gift from God to be enjoyed within the security and commitment of marriage. To sum up what we are saying: Do not sacrifice the long-term benefits of sex for short-term thrills.

It is not easy to be patientwe want thrills now. It is not easy to guard your affections. It is not easy to deny your sexual appetite. It is not easy to keep from envying those who seem to be enjoying the thrills of sex outside of marriage. But Gods way is best. What young people call going all the way is cheap sex. Precious love is quite another thing. It is experienced when two people are totally committed to each other and have the security of marriage. As the writer of these lessons, may I share a personal word with you? My wife and I have enjoyed 65 love-filled years together, and we are looking forward to more. God gave us six children, and we have had many happy days.

We have also had tragedyour oldest son was killed in an accident when he was seven years old. We were very much in love when we married, but our love has grown deeper and stronger through the years. My wife has that special beauty that a woman has when she is in love with a man and knows that she is loved and cherished by that man whom she loves. Many times my wife and I have thanked God that we kept ourselves for each other and did not play around with sex before marriage. We are still sweetheartswe still like to hold hands! It is fantastic being so in love with each other all these years. You say, Thats beautiful! Yes, it is. Thats the way God intended marriage to be. That is the way He wants your marriage to be! One of my sweet little teenagers came mincing into my study and blurted out, Pastor, Ive got to talk to you. Ive got a problem. Whats the matter? I said. Its my dates, she replied. Whats wrong with your dates? I asked. I dont know, but they always end wrong. Im discovering something that the Christian guys in our church are a lot faster than the kids I used to date before I was a Christian. I thought, Unfortunately, many times thats true. Now, she continued, what am I going to do? I want to serve the Lord. I want to be a Christian. I want to be a good witness, I want to be clean. What am I going to do? I dont want to be an old maid. I dont want to be laid on the shelf. I said to her, Kid, youve got no danger of ever being an old maid, believe me. But, nevertheless, go on from there. Well, what am I going to do? she asked. Let me ask you something. The guy you are going with, is he a Christian? You know him, she replied. He is a professing Christian. And youre a Christian, right? Right. Have you ever thought about praying over your dates? I asked.

Praying over a date? she said. Yes, whats so strange about that? Everyone would think I was flaky if I prayed over a date. Over a youth meeting, yes. Over choir practice, yes. Over Sunday School, yes. But a date? Who prays over dates? Well, from what you have just been telling me, I think maybe its about time that you started. Now if he wont take the lead, how about you? Ask Gods blessing on your date. Well, she said, that will sure change the program. Well, that is what you wanted, isnt it? Its worth a try, isnt it? The Lord said, In everything by prayerso whats wrong with that? It was certainly something that had never entered her mind, but she seemed satisfied to give it a try. She came back a couple of weeks later. She had a grin on her face. How did it go? I asked. Great! Bea-u-tiful!

What happened? I inquired. He picked me up at the house, we got in the car, he was ready to turn the key in the ignition, and I said, Wait a minute. He said, What? I said, What are we going to do tonight? He said, I dont know. I said, Then I think maybe Id better tell you what I want to do right now. He said, Whats that?

I said, I want to have a word of prayer over our date. If I had hit him in the face with a lemon pie, he couldnt have been more surprised. He sat there and said, You what? You want to do WHAT? I said, Were Christians, arent we? Yeah. We love the Lord? Yeah. We dont want to do anything wrong, do we? "'No. Then why cant we pray about it? How about you praying about our date? Not me, he said. Its your idea. You pray about it. So, she continued, I just asked the Lord to keep His hand on us, and that we would be a good witness and a good testimony, and have a good time. Pastor, I want to tell you the dates have never been better. Things are going beautifully. And I sense a certain respect and admiration that I never knew before.