Love

By Datta Groover

What if there was equal potential for love between any two people? Whatever your thoughts on love are up to this point, consider an idea that contradicts the concepts of soul mates, twin flames, or that there exists the one, who will make all the difference in your life. Overriding all these concepts is the most important ingredient of any deeply loving relationship, which comes through choice; not accident, luck, or an arrow from Cupid. That ingredient is commitment. If this concept of equal potential for love were true, then the singular most important part in choosing the right partner in life is compatibility, which should be a relief to many people who have spent years searching for the right, magical combination of attributes and attractiveness in a partner. Compatibility, simply put, makes commitment easier. Similar values, likes, dislikes, wants, needs, how much one wants physical contact, amount and type of sex, beliefs, ways of interacting with others, romance, and so on, are all part of compatibility. Instant attraction is not compatibility. Love at first sight is not compatibility. Sexual polarity, while important, is not compatibility though it is a part of compatibility.

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Attraction

Physical attraction is wonderful. Sexual polarity and attraction is terrific. Mental and intellectual attraction are fantastic. These may all contribute to a healthy relationship, but none of them (or other attraction factors) will contribute as powerfully to a deep, long-lasting, and loving relationship as compatibility. Physical attraction and sexual polarity are the biggest misleaders in the realm of love and relationship. How fast can factors that make up physical attraction change? Very fast, depending upon the situation. Peoples appearance, habits, physical, and even mental attributes are subject to change, and most of what at first seemed new and fresh will inevitably no longer be. There will also be other newer, fresher, faces and bodies, as well as other things like wealth, fame, prestige that we may find ourselves attracted to. Sexual polarity is a big factor in attraction regardless of the age or newness of the relationship. However, it too can change, and frequently does. When it does, many people lose interest in their partner, especially if their level of commitment to the relationship is low. One of the biggest relationship misunderstandings of all time is based around how sex is related to love. Sex is not love, but offers opportunities to discover it, to enhance it, and to increase it. Contrary to popular belief, sex is by no means the only way of achieving deep, intimate love. Tragically, many people not only confuse sex for love, they make it the foundation their relationship is based upon. As a result, this makes the relationship inevitably unpredictable and subject to change, as factors within any sexual relationship will change over time. I believe true love exists on a spiritual or soul level, though there are many external things that can trigger, enhance, impede, or obscure it. Love is something we all need and want on a sacred, absolutely fundamental level, whether we are consciously aware of it or not. I liken what we consider love to be opening a window. The window may be small or large, and it may be opened all the way or just a bit. It may be more open at some times than others. It also may be more open going one direction than the other or even closed entirely in one direction.
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One-sided Love

If love is only possible when its a two-way street (I love you only if and as long as you love me), then its really more of a business transaction. Over time, we may have learned to play it safe by direct personal experience, or by watching others suffer. Only give when you know you can directly receive is the love motto of many, but in truth we have full opportunity to love as much as we want without expectation of return or reciprocation. True love by nature is unconditional we have simply learned, by observation or experience, to add our own conditions to it. Commitment is much harder to practice in a one-sided relationship, but thats exactly what parents frequently do. Regardless of their childrens degree of reciprocation, their commitment remains strong. Most of the time.

Growth and Development

A fundamental human need we all share is to develop and grow; to become something greater than we previously were. One of the things that may attract us to someone else is potential for growth. Our subconscious minds find people who may bring out our deepest issues, and attract us to them. We are programmed this way in our DNA. It sounds crazy, unless you believe that we are hard-wired to develop and evolve as humans. It is definitely a great reason to be attracted to someone, and will tend to be longer lasting than any other form of attraction.
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However, it can also get us into relationships where, if we looked at them objectively beforehand and knew everything there was to know, we wouldnt dream of getting involved with that person. Even considering those relationships in our past that didnt work out well one way or another, there probably were some important lessons to be had, and almost surely there was some degree of development, perhaps accompanied by some amount of pain. That said, we will develop and grow from any relationship we deeply commit to, so why not choose a partner with a higher level of compatibility, and therefore choose a relationship with a greater chance of stability and longevity?

Compatibility

I have had the opportunity to offer some couples counseling over the years, as well as coaching people interested in finding the right relationship. I always recommend people make 3 lists. One list consists of only deal breakers. This would include things you would absolutely not want or would have to have in a relationship.

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To give some examples from my personal deal breaker list, I choose to not be in relationship with someone who is a chronic liar, sexually unfaithful, smokes, is a heavy drinker or a thief, who disrespects others, is a recreational drug user, who has no interest in spirituality, is consistently way out of integrity (especially if they dont care that they are out of integrity), who has a low level of compassion for others, who is not willing to talk things out when there is a problem and thats just a partial list. These examples may or may not be on your deal breaker list, depending upon how important they are to you. These things just happen to be important to me. Your lists are yours to create, and you alone get to decide what you want or dont want in an intimate partnership. Your parents, friends, co-workers, siblings or others no matter how well-meaning should not be allowed to create, modify, or even influence your personal lists. Whats right or wrong for them may not be so for you. However, getting objective input can be valuable (especially when we may be influenced by intense attraction), though its important to remember that the final decision should always be ours, and ours alone. The second list consists of things wed really like to see in another person, or in the relationship. Unlike the deal-breaker list, where just one of those things would be unacceptable, as well as including the things you must have in a relationship, this second list consists of things that are highly desirable, or things you really dont want in a relationship. They dont all have to be in the relationship (or in the potential partner), but the more that are there, the better. At least some of them should be there. What goes on what list is up to you. For example, being in relationship with someone who wants to have children may be on this list, it may be on the deal-breaker list (either as a positive or a negative), or it may be on the third list (coming up in the next paragraph). I have seen many situations where it was not on any list, and as a result, well into the relationship when both people were quite committed, one partner found out their partner wanted kids when they didnt. Or vice-versa. Ive seen where one person wasnt really excited about having kids, though it wasnt a deal-breaker, and other times where it was a definite deal-breaker. It depends on the individuals and what they want. The important thing is for us to make our needs and wants clear up front not only to our partners, but to ourselves. Sometimes we cant know how well feel about something down the road, but its important to at least be honest and clear with where we currently stand, up front. The third list is similar to the second list but consists of things that would be nice to have in the relationship. There is no right and wrong to these, but its important for you to know what are on your lists, hopefully before you enter into relationship. To summarize these lists: 1) Deal breakers (what you cant live without, or you cant live with) 2) Highly desirable things youd love to have or things you would really not want 3) Things that would be nice to have, or nice to not have Almost as important as having clearly defined lists is finding out whats on the other persons list. You may get that by asking, and you may have to figure it out (especially if they havent figured it out). Many people dont think about what they want, but once in relationship, they realize that they have to change the other person to get their needs met. That will not be
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comfortable for either party, as you may already know from previous observation or experience. A lot of people internally downplay the importance of certain things they either want or dont want from a potential relationship, figuring those things are no big deal, but later turn into big deals. The good news is that even if someone doesnt have a formal, written list, they probably can be talked out. Sometimes they cant be talked out because the other person is unwilling to go there. You then have at least a couple of options: 1) You can enter the relationship blindly and hope for the best. 2) You can thank them sincerely for their time and walk away. 3) Im sure there are more options Im not thinking of. Ill leave this one to you. Care must be taken not to ask leading questions, for example how are you with people who are really into video games? which suggests that you might be into video games and are encouraging them to be okay with it. A better question could be What works and doesnt work for you in a relationship or with a partner? For greatest accuracy, it is a question best asked more than once, with plenty of encouragement to the other person to give it to you straight. I recommend not even considering trying to change someone. Its true that sometimes we can. However, it is frequently impossible, usually difficult (in more ways than one), and is nearly always a big cause of stress. Most importantly, it can damage the very relationship we are theoretically trying to improve. I cant tell you how many times Ive seen someone interested in a relationship that would include one or more of their deal-breakers. However, because there were so many of the things from lists 2 and 3, they thought they could magically influence the person to give up the deal-breaker. You might be rolling your eyes right now, knowing the slim chance of that ever happening. For example, smoking is a deal-breaker for some people. For a person with that on their deal-breaker list to enter into a relationship with someone who is perfect, but who still smokes (but they said they are trying to quit!) is not wise. Ive seen many cases when intense attraction will over-rule someones deal-breaker list, to the detriment of all concerned. Both men and women can fall into that trap. The tragedy is that after they finally become free from the relationship, they swear to never make that mistake again. They really mean it, with all sincerity. Then they do the exact same thing all over again. The truth is that we may be attracted to someone for many different reasons. There could be any combination of physical, sexual, intellectual, mental, or many other types of attraction. The person may remind you strongly of one of your parents, and there is the success attraction phenomena of people who are attracted to those who are successful. The unspoken assumption is many times that the success in the person who is attractive will somehow translate to a successful relationship, but that is not necessarily the case. Some of these reasons for attraction may appear nobler than others, but absolutely none of them guarantee the person you are attracted to (even if extremely so) will be able to be in a satisfactory or even favorable relationship with you. In other words, attraction can be very misleading, unless we take a deeper look at why we are attracted. Contrary to popular conception, feeling strong attraction for someone does not mean you can have a positive relationship with them that is beneficial to you both. Thousands of people around the world

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make that mistake every day and you dont have to be one of them. If youve done it before (as most of us have) you dont have to do it again. So does that mean attraction means nothing? Well, no. If there is too little attraction, even if theres a huge degree of compatibility, there may not be enough motivation for the commitment required for a successful relationship. The good news is much of the time, there are things we can do to increase attraction within our relationships. The main point to remember is that no amount of attraction , is enough to overcome the lack of compatibility needed for a successful relationship.

Sex and Commitment

Sex can be a gateway to intimacy and love, and though it is often confused with love, it is not. Pleasing or fulfilling anothers senses, wants, goals, or desires, along with sexual involvement, can all be gateways to love. Sex tends to be the most significant among these, mainly due to the substantially powerful biological and psychological connections we have to it. Any of these gateways can represent windows that open and close leading to the I dont love you any more syndrome. When we provide or receive growth opportunities (frequently disguised as challenges), they are huge opportunities for developing love, love that tends to be longer-term and deeper than love resulting from lessor stimuli. On the surface, there appear to be many different types of love, which in reality differ only by externals. Since sex can be a gateway to love, when that sex changes or diminishes, the love may appear to diminish or even disappear. Therefore, building any relationship based on sex is not only risky, it is a very incomplete way to experience love. I believe the most important love factor of all is commitment. The more committed we are to a relationship, the greater possibility of seeing someone as they truly are (and them seeing us), as well as having the deep level of love I believe we all want.

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When we repeatedly avoid growth opportunities (or our partner avoids them) we may start to be attracted elsewhere. Even then, commitment can keep us present in the relationship until we eventually face the growth our souls want to have happen. If its true that that equal potential for love exists between all living beings, experiencing deep love, as well as success in any relationship, is a matter of choosing to commit more than anything else especially providing there is sufficient compatibility for both partners to keep the commitment active. That is one of the reasons why love within some families can seem so pure and powerful because the commitment is stronger, and frequently unquestioned even when the compatibility is not as high. That is also a strong argument for marriage, which I see as a formalization of commitment to another person. When full commitment is present, there is more opportunity for us to see another person as their highest and best self, shining through any layers of ego, self-deception and illusion. When we do this, it opens the possibility of being in a magnificent relationship. Sometimes seeing the other person in that light of greater commitment is simply a matter of looking harder, deeper, closer or perhaps more gently. Think about famous artists or artistic performers, and how they can be loved by the public. The best ones bare their souls, express themselves fully, and authentically connect with their audiences. People develop genuine love for them. When artists pass away, people may authentically grieve for them, and the enduring work of that artist can keep the window of love open for years, decades, or centuries. We are attracted to people who will elicit growth within us. The more potential growth, the greater the attraction. When we obtain that growth, we may become more committed, or less committed to the relationship oftentimes in direct relation to the pain involved with the growth. Of course, those growth opportunities can be pain-free, but usually they are not. If we become more committed to the relationship as a result of the growth, then the love and attraction - usually deepens, and may deepen indefinitely as long as growth is taking place.

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The Greatest Loss

What happens when we lose people; when they die or otherwise leave us? If it happens suddenly, it can be a huge shock. It becomes harder to see the person without direct interactions, and we rely on memories of what the view through the window looked like. Thats one of the reasons having photos or other keepsakes of our loved ones after they depart can be good: they help us remember not just their external physical appearance, but who they were/are on a soul level. When someone leaves a relationship, especially when its unexpected, it can seem like death. Just ask anyone whos been through a difficult divorce, or had someone run away from an important relationship.

Your Cheatin' Heart

Hank Williams sang long ago: Your cheatin' heart will pine some day, and crave the love you threw away . . . Many people have thrown away a more stable, deep, or long-lasting love for a new love, or hope of love. That hope may be based on any combination of the types of attraction mentioned
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previously, or just on the idea that they will get something they dont have. They may see the new potential relationship as more of a trade-up than as throwing something away, kind of like trading in an older car for a newer, more exciting model. They probably found a way to justify it in their mind so that it makes really good sense. Their friends, family, or co-workers may have rolled their eyes and shaken their heads knowing what they were throwing away, or maybe they thought it was a good idea. Sometimes people have affairs that are secret not discovered for years, maybe even after they have long since departed from this world. The partner who was cheated on will usually feel, well, cheated. But suppose we have an unlimited capacity for love. If thats true (and I believe it is), then we can love more than one person at a time especially considering that love is not sex (or vice-versa). That raises some significant questions: Is this cheating really cheating? Are people who have been cheated on really betrayed, or is that feeling just a jealous reaction? If we can potentially love person A as much as person B, and if we all have unlimited capacity for love (as many people say), then why cant we can love person A and person B (and maybe even person C) at the same time? Sounds really good on paper, and I believe part of it is absolutely true. We do have the spiritual capacity for unlimited love, however, we dont have the ability to expand our physical, mental, intellectual, and energetic selves unlimitedly. We can go deeper with one person we are fully committed to, than we can with 3 we are not as committed to. It is simply not possible to commit to many people as deeply as we can to one. Theoretically, yes, but in practice its another story. Even a deep friendship where profound love exists between two people that may even span most of their lifetimes will not be the same as a committed intimate partnership. Not that its less valuable, or less important. Love can potentially be as great in the friendship, or even greater than in the intimate partnership. The difference is there is simply not as much potential for growth in the friendship most of the time. Friends will usually not have the same kind of commitment and the (frequently unintended) capacity to challenge each other as exists within an intimate partnership. This is a generality, and there are numerous exceptions to the rule. So to get back to the idea of is it cheating or not?, the simple answer is yes. On the most basic level, if exclusivity is agreed upon (as is the case with most marriages and other intimate partnerships), then if that agreement is broken, it is cheating. On an energetic level, the person who is doing the cheating is depriving both themselves and their partner the opportunity to go as deep within their relationship as they could. I dont believe that just because a partner in an intimate relationship loves, say, a close friend or family member, that love will takes away from the intimate partnership, but it can, depending upon how the relationships are managed. I believe sexual fidelity is important because infidelity will almost surely take away from a primary intimate relationship. Did I just hear you say Duh!? As mentioned earlier, sex is a doorway to greater intimacy, and though we can be intimate and loving with multiple people, in practice it means we arent going to go as deep in our primary relationship. When there is trust that the other person in a relationship is committed, then the tendency is to let ones guards down more completely and allow themselves to be seen and to love on a deeper level. I believe this principle also applies to open marriages and multiPage 10

partner arrangements that everyone involved agrees to. On paper and in practice (think sex with a variety of regular partners), those arrangements may seem great or even liberating. However, in those situations, while the basic agreement is not being violated, the energetic agreement to be as deeply intimate as possible is being violated. Have you ever seen a case of someone in an intimate partnership jealous because their partner has a best friend (or group of friends) who seems to be getting more love than they are? In truth, the non-partners may be getting more love from others than from their partner, and while that doesnt directly take away from or reduce the love between partners, it can negatively affect the partnership due to commitment, time, and priorities begin aligned differently. Ultimately, it is a question of where we arrange those priorities. I have seen spouses jealous of the love their own children receive from their partner. Jealousy generally has the opposite effect for which it is intended: it will jeopardize the very love it is supposedly protecting. Jealousy may be based in logic or reason, but love doesnt exactly follow logic or reason. If love really is based on spirituality, and our capacity for love is unlimited, then if person A loves person B, and person B also loves their best friend C, if person A encourages and supports the love between B and C, then A is more likely to get more love from B. On the other hand, it is possible that someone in an intimate partnership may be investing so heavily in love outside the relationship (perhaps through friendships), that they arent able to give their intimate partnership the attention it needs to thrive, or even survive. Our primary relationships need to receive a certain level of priority in order to be as successful, beneficial, and satisfying as they can be. That priority will only exist with commitment. In my observation, people tend to leave relationships way too easily. Even when someone wants to leave a relationship because they dont feel they are growing in that relationship, many times they never give the other person a chance. Yes, it is difficult, if not impossible to change someone, but sometimes if a relationship is really not working for person A, then they need to say to person B why its not and give them a chance. The easier route for many people is to just leave and look for greener pastures, only to find the exact same issues come up with another person.

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What Next?

We are meant to grow, and to help others grow and develop. Nothing will give us as much satisfaction and fulfillment when we commit ourselves to that. Love is not only a huge motivator for that development; it can be the vehicle as well. Love is not only something we all want and need (whether we know it or not) it is perhaps the most potent force in the world. As Dr. Martin Luther King said Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend. When we have love in our lives, the world around us seems brighter, happier, and better. If I had to put it all into one paragraph, Id say: commitment and compatibility are key ingredients in love. Sexual attraction is only one (important) aspect of compatibility. Attraction is not as all-important as many people think, though it can be a great catalyst for commitment and excitement in your relationship. Have your three compatibility lists clear when entering into a relationship, and never lose sight of them. The best relationships are ones where growth occurs and where the partners are not trying to change each other. You can go deeper with one intimate, committed partner than you can with multiple partners, and love is the most powerful force in the world. Why not take a closer look at your unlimited capacity for love, and see what more you can do with it? Practice with the grocery store clerk, the next jerk who cuts you off in traffic, your intimate partner (past or present), your friend, someone who will probably never return your love (or maybe even know about it), and see what magic it can do. In every one of these cases, you will grow, they will grow, and the world around us will grow; every time, with every act of love. I used to think All You Need is Love was just a catchy phrase in a song. Now I believe its not too far from the truth. May you find ways to bring more love into your life every day, and may that love make the challenges you encounter in this world that much easier to bear.

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Lots of love to you,

~Datta Groover Zandvoort, North Holland, The Netherlands June, 2013

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