Gargantua and Pantagruel, Complete.

Francois Rabelais
Project Gutenberg's Gargantua and Pantagruel, Complete., by Francois Rabelais This eBook is or the use o anyone any!here at no cost and !ith almost no restrictions !hatsoe"er. #ou may copy it, gi"e it a!ay or re$use it under the terms o the Project Gutenberg %icense included !ith this eBook or online at !!!.gutenberg.net Title& Gargantua and Pantagruel, Complete. Fi"e Books ' The %i"es, (eroic )eeds *nd +ayings ' Gargantua *nd (is +on Pantagruel *uthor& Francois Rabelais Release )ate& *ugust ,, -../ 01Book 23-..4 %anguage& 1nglish Character set encoding& *+C55 666 +T*RT 'F T(5+ PR'71CT G8T19B1RG 1B'': G*RG*9T8* *9) P*9T*GR81%, 666

Produced by +ue *sscher and )a"id ;idger

<*+T1R FR*9C5+ R*B1%*5+ F5=1 B'':+ 'F T(1 %5=1+, (1R'5C )11)+ *9) +*#59G+ 'F G*RG*9T8* *9) (5+ +'9 P*9T*GR81%

Translated into 1nglish by +ir Thomas 8r>uhart o Cromarty and

Peter *ntony <otteu?

The te?t o the irst T!o Books o Rabelais has been reprinted rom the irst edition @3ABCD o 8r>uhart's translation. Footnotes initialled '<.' are dra!n rom the <aitland Club edition @3,C,DE other ootnotes are by the translator. 8r>uhart's translation o Book 555. appeared posthumously in 3AFC, !ith a ne! edition o Books 5. and 55., under <otteu?'s editorship. <otteu?'s rendering o Books 5=. and =. ollo!ed in 3G.,. 'ccasionally @as the ootnotes indicateD passages omitted by <otteu? ha"e been restored rom the 3GC, copy edited by 'Hell.

C'9T19T+. 5ntroduction T(1 F5R+T B'':. 7. )e la +alle, to the (onoured, 9oble Translator o Rabelais. Rablophila The *uthor's Prologue to the First Book Rabelais to the Reader Chapter 3.5.$$' the Genealogy and *nti>uity o Gargantua Chapter 3.55.$$The *ntidoted Fan reluches& or, a Galimatia o e?tra"agant Conceits ound in an ancient <onument Chapter 3.555.$$(o! Gargantua !as carried ele"en months in his mother's belly Chapter 3.5=.$$(o! Gargamelle, being great !ith Gargantua, did eat a huge deal o tripes Chapter 3.=.$$The )iscourse o the )rinkers Chapter 3.=5.$$(o! Gargantua !as born in a strange manner Chapter 3.=55.$$* ter !hat manner Gargantua had his name gi"en him, and ho! he tippled, bibbed, and curried the can Chapter 3.=555.$$(o! they apparelled Gargantua Chapter 3.5I.$$The colours and li"eries o Gargantua Chapter 3.I.$$' that !hich is signi ied by the colours !hite and blue Chapter 3.I5.$$' the youth ul age o Gargantua Chapter 3.I55.$$' Gargantua's !ooden horses

Chapter 3.I555.$$(o! Gargantua's !onder ul understanding became kno!n to his ather Grangousier, by the in"ention o a torchecul or !ipebreech Chapter 3.I5=.$$(o! Gargantua !as taught %atin by a +ophister Chapter 3.I=.$$(o! Gargantua !as put under other schoolmasters Chapter 3.I=5.$$(o! Gargantua !as sent to Paris, and o the huge great mare that he rode onE ho! she destroyed the o? lies o the Beauce Chapter 3.I=55.$$(o! Gargantua paid his !elcome to the Parisians, and ho! he took a!ay the great bells o 'ur %ady's Church Chapter 3.I=555.$$(o! 7anotus de Bragmardo !as sent to Gargantua to reco"er the great bells Chapter 3.I5I.$$The oration o <aster 7anotus de Bragmardo or reco"ery o the bells Chapter 3.II.$$(o! the +ophister carried a!ay his cloth, and ho! he had a suit in la! against the other masters Chapter 3.II5.$$The study o Gargantua, according to the discipline o his schoolmasters the +ophisters Chapter 3.II55.$$The games o Gargantua Chapter 3.II555.$$(o! Gargantua !as instructed by Ponocrates, and in such sort disciplinated, that he lost not one hour o the day Chapter 3.II5=.$$(o! Gargantua spent his time in rainy !eather Chapter 3.II=.$$(o! there !as great stri e and debate raised bet!i?t the cake$bakers o %erne, and those o Gargantua's country, !hereupon !ere !aged great !ars Chapter 3.II=5.$$(o! the inhabitants o %erne, by the commandment o Picrochole their king, assaulted the shepherds o Gargantua une?pectedly and on a sudden Chapter 3.II=55.$$(o! a monk o +e"ille sa"ed the close o the abbey rom being ransacked by the enemy Chapter 3.II=555.$$(o! Picrochole stormed and took by assault the rock Clermond, and o Grangousier's un!illingness and a"ersion rom the undertaking o !ar Chapter 3.II5I.$$The tenour o the letter !hich Grangousier !rote to his son Gargantua Chapter 3.III.$$(o! 8lric Gallet !as sent unto Picrochole Chapter 3.III5.$$The speech made by Gallet to Picrochole Chapter 3.III55.$$(o! Grangousier, to buy peace, caused the cakes to be restored

Chapter 3.III555.$$(o! some statesmen o Picrochole, by hairbrained counsel, put him in e?treme danger Chapter 3.III5=.$$(o! Gargantua le t the city o Paris to succour his country, and ho! Gymnast encountered !ith the enemy Chapter 3.III=.$$(o! Gymnast "ery souply and cunningly killed Captain Tripet and others o Picrochole's men Chapter 3.III=5.$$(o! Gargantua demolished the castle at the ord o =ede, and ho! they passed the ord Chapter 3.III=55.$$(o! Gargantua, in combing his head, made the great cannon$balls all out o his hair Chapter 3.III=555.$$(o! Gargantua did eat up si? pilgrims in a salad Chapter 3.III5I.$$(o! the <onk !as easted by Gargantua, and o the jo"ial discourse they had at supper Chapter 3.I%.$$;hy monks are the outcasts o the !orldE and !here ore some ha"e bigger noses than others Chapter 3.I%5.$$(o! the <onk made Gargantua sleep, and o his hours and bre"iaries Chapter 3.I%55.$$(o! the <onk encouraged his ello!$champions, and ho! he hanged upon a tree Chapter 3.I%555.$$(o! the scouts and ore$party o Picrochole !ere met !ith by Gargantua, and ho! the <onk sle! Captain )ra! orth, and then !as taken prisoner by his enemies Chapter 3.I%5=.$$(o! the <onk rid himsel o his keepers, and ho! Picrochole's orlorn hope !as de eated Chapter 3.I%=.$$(o! the <onk carried along !ith him the Pilgrims, and o the good !ords that Grangousier ga"e them Chapter 3.I%=5.$$(o! Grangousier did "ery kindly entertain Touch aucet his prisoner Chapter 3.I%=55.$$(o! Grangousier sent or his legions, and ho! Touch aucet sle! Rashcal , and !as a ter!ards e?ecuted by the command o Picrochole Chapter 3.I%=555.$$(o! Gargantua set upon Picrochole !ithin the rock Clermond, and utterly de eated the army o the said Picrochole Chapter 3.I%5I.$$(o! Picrochole in his light ell into great mis ortunes, and !hat Gargantua did a ter the battle Chapter 3.%.$$Gargantua's speech to the "an>uished Chapter 3.%5.$$(o! the "ictorious Gargantuists !ere recompensed a ter the battle

Chapter 3.%55.$$(o! Gargantua caused to be built or the <onk the *bbey o Theleme Chapter 3.%555.$$(o! the abbey o the Thelemites !as built and endo!ed Chapter 3.%5=.$$The inscription set upon the great gate o Theleme Chapter 3.%=.$$;hat manner o d!elling the Thelemites had Chapter 3.%=5.$$(o! the men and !omen o the religious order o Theleme !ere apparelled Chapter 3.%=55.$$(o! the Thelemites !ere go"erned, and o their manner o li"ing Chapter 3.%=555.$$* prophetical Riddle

T(1 +1C'9) B'':. For the Reader <r. (ugh +alel to Rabelais The *uthor's Prologue Chapter -.5.$$' the original and anti>uity o the great Pantagruel Chapter -.55.$$' the nati"ity o the most dread and redoubted Pantagruel Chapter -.555.$$' the grie !here!ith Gargantua !as mo"ed at the decease o his !i e Badebec Chapter -.5=.$$' the in ancy o Pantagruel Chapter -.=.$$' the acts o the noble Pantagruel in his youth ul age Chapter -.=5.$$(o! Pantagruel met !ith a %imousin, !ho too a ectedly did counter eit the French language Chapter -.=55.$$(o! Pantagruel came to Paris, and o the choice books o the %ibrary o +t. =ictor Chapter -.=555.$$(o! Pantagruel, being at Paris, recei"ed letters rom his ather Gargantua, and the copy o them Chapter -.5I.$$(o! Pantagruel ound Panurge, !hom he lo"ed all his li etime Chapter -.I.$$(o! Pantagruel judged so e>uitably o a contro"ersy, !hich !as !onder ully obscure and di icult, that, by reason o his just decree therein, he !as reputed to ha"e a most admirable judgment Chapter -.I5.$$(o! the %ords o :issbreech and +uck ist did plead be ore Pantagruel !ithout an attorney Chapter -.I55.$$(o! the %ord o +uck ist pleaded be ore Pantagruel

Chapter -.I555.$$(o! Pantagruel ga"e judgment upon the di erence o the t!o lords Chapter -.I5=.$$(o! Panurge related the manner ho! he escaped out o the hands o the Turks Chapter -.I=.$$(o! Panurge sho!ed a "ery ne! !ay to build the !alls o Paris Chapter -.I=5.$$' the >ualities and conditions o Panurge Chapter -.I=55.$$(o! Panurge gained the pardons, and married the old !omen, and o the suit in la! !hich he had at Paris Chapter -.I=555.$$(o! a great scholar o 1ngland !ould ha"e argued against Pantagruel, and !as o"ercome by Panurge Chapter -.I5I.$$(o! Panurge put to a nonplus the 1nglishman that argued by signs Chapter -.II.$$(o! Thaumast relateth the "irtues and kno!ledge o Panurge Chapter -.II5.$$(o! Panurge !as in lo"e !ith a lady o Paris Chapter -.II55.$$(o! Panurge ser"ed a Parisian lady a trick that pleased her not "ery !ell Chapter -.II555.$$(o! Pantagruel departed rom Paris, hearing ne!s that the )ipsodes had in"aded the land o the *maurotsE and the cause !here ore the leagues are so short in France Chapter -.II5=.$$* letter !hich a messenger brought to Pantagruel rom a lady o Paris, together !ith the e?position o a posy !ritten in a gold ring Chapter -.II=.$$(o! Panurge, Carpalin, 1usthenes, and 1pistemon, the gentlemen attendants o Pantagruel, "an>uished and discom ited si? hundred and threescore horsemen "ery cunningly Chapter -.II=5.$$(o! Pantagruel and his company !ere !eary in eating still salt meatsE and ho! Carpalin !ent a$hunting to ha"e some "enison Chapter -.II=55.$$(o! Pantagruel set up one trophy in memorial o their "alour, and Panurge another in remembrance o the hares. (o! Pantagruel like!ise !ith his arts begat little men, and !ith his isgs little !omenE and ho! Panurge broke a great sta o"er t!o glasses Chapter -.II=555.$$(o! Pantagruel got the "ictory "ery strangely o"er the )ipsodes and the Giants Chapter -.II5I.$$(o! Pantagruel discom ited the three hundred giants armed !ith ree$stone, and %oupgarou their captain Chapter -.III.$$(o! 1pistemon, !ho had his head cut o , !as inely healed by Panurge, and o the ne!s !hich he brought rom the de"ils, and o the damned people in hell

Chapter -.III5.$$(o! Pantagruel entered into the city o the *maurots, and ho! Panurge married :ing *narchus to an old lantern$carrying hag, and made him a crier o green sauce Chapter -.III55.$$(o! Pantagruel !ith his tongue co"ered a !hole army, and !hat the author sa! in his mouth Chapter -.III555.$$(o! Pantagruel became sick, and the manner ho! he !as reco"ered Chapter -.III5=.$$The conclusion o this present book, and the e?cuse o the author

T(1 T(5R) B'':. Francois Rabelais to the +oul o the )eceased Jueen o 9a"arre The *uthor's Prologue Chapter C.5.$$(o! Pantagruel transported a colony o 8topians into )ipsody Chapter C.55.$$(o! Panurge !as made %aird o +almigondin in )ipsody, and did !aste his re"enue be ore it came in Chapter C.555.$$(o! Panurge praiseth the debtors and borro!ers Chapter C.5=.$$Panurge continueth his discourse in the praise o borro!ers and lenders Chapter C.=.$$(o! Pantagruel altogether abhorreth the debtors and borro!ers Chapter C.=5.$$;hy ne! married men !ere pri"ileged rom going to the !ars Chapter C.=55.$$(o! Panurge had a lea in his ear, and orbore to !ear any longer his magni icent codpiece Chapter C.=555.$$;hy the codpiece is held to be the chie piece o armour amongst !arriors Chapter C.5I.$$(o! Panurge asketh counsel o Pantagruel !hether he should marry, yea, or no Chapter C.I.$$(o! Pantagruel representeth unto Panurge the di iculty o gi"ing ad"ice in the matter o marriageE and to that purpose mentioneth some!hat o the (omeric and =irgilian lotteries Chapter C.I5.$$(o! Pantagruel sho!eth the trial o one's ortune by the thro!ing o dice to be unla! ul Chapter C.I55.$$(o! Pantagruel doth e?plore by the =irgilian lottery !hat ortune Panurge shall ha"e in his marriage Chapter C.I555.$$(o! Pantagruel ad"iseth Panurge to try the uture good or bad luck o his marriage by dreams

Chapter C.I5=.$$Panurge's dream, !ith the interpretation thereo Chapter C.I=.$$Panurge's e?cuse and e?position o the monastic mystery concerning po!dered bee Chapter C.I=5.$$(o! Pantagruel ad"iseth Panurge to consult !ith the +ibyl o PanHoust Chapter C.I=55.$$(o! Panurge spoke to the +ibyl o PanHoust Chapter C.I=555.$$(o! Pantagruel and Panurge did di"ersely e?pound the "erses o the +ibyl o PanHoust Chapter C.I5I.$$(o! Pantagruel praiseth the counsel o dumb men Chapter C.II.$$(o! Goatsnose by signs maketh ans!er to Panurge Chapter C.II5.$$(o! Panurge consulteth !ith an old French poet, named Raminagrobis Chapter C.II55.$$(o! Panurge patrocinates and de endeth the 'rder o the Begging Friars Chapter C.II555.$$(o! Panurge maketh the motion o a return to Raminagrobis Chapter C.II5=.$$(o! Panurge consulteth !ith 1pistemon Chapter C.II=.$$(o! Panurge consulteth !ith (err Trippa Chapter C.II=5.$$(o! Panurge consulteth !ith Friar 7ohn o the Funnels Chapter C.II=55.$$(o! Friar 7ohn merrily and sportingly counselleth Panurge Chapter C.II=555.$$(o! Friar 7ohn com orteth Panurge in the doubt ul matter o cuckoldry Chapter C.II5I.$$(o! Pantagruel con"ocated together a theologian, physician, la!yer, and philosopher, or e?tricating Panurge out o the perple?ity !herein he !as Chapter C.III.$$(o! the theologue, (ippothadee, gi"eth counsel to Panurge in the matter and business o his nuptial enterprise Chapter C.III5.$$(o! the physician Rondibilis counselleth Panurge Chapter C.III55.$$(o! Rondibilis declareth cuckoldry to be naturally one o the appendances o marriage Chapter C.III555.$$Rondibilis the physician's cure o cuckoldry Chapter C.III5=.$$(o! !omen ordinarily ha"e the greatest longing a ter things prohibited Chapter C.III=.$$(o! the philosopher Trouillogan handleth the di iculty o marriage

Chapter C.III=5.$$* continuation o the ans!er o the 1phectic and Pyrrhonian philosopher Trouillogan Chapter C.III=55.$$(o! Pantagruel persuaded Panurge to take counsel o a ool Chapter C.III=555.$$(o! Triboulet is set orth and blaHed by Pantagruel and Panurge Chapter C.III5I.$$(o! Pantagruel !as present at the trial o 7udge Bridlegoose, !ho decided causes and contro"ersies in la! by the chance and ortune o the dice Chapter C.I%.$$(o! Bridlegoose gi"eth reasons !hy he looked upon those la!$ actions !hich he decided by the chance o the dice Chapter C.I%5.$$(o! Bridlegoose relateth the history o the reconcilers o parties at "ariance in matters o la! Chapter C.I%55.$$(o! suits at la! are bred at irst, and ho! they come a ter!ards to their per ect gro!th Chapter C.I%555.$$(o! Pantagruel e?cuseth Bridlegoose in the matter o sentencing actions at la! by the chance o the dice Chapter C.I%5=.$$(o! Pantagruel relateth a strange history o the perple?ity o human judgment Chapter C.I%=.$$(o! Panurge taketh ad"ice o Triboulet Chapter C.I%=5.$$(o! Pantagruel and Panurge di"ersely interpret the !ords o Triboulet Chapter C.I%=55.$$(o! Pantagruel and Panurge resol"ed to make a "isit to the 'racle o the (oly Bottle Chapter C.I%=555.$$(o! Gargantua sho!eth that the children ought not to marry !ithout the special kno!ledge and ad"ice o their athers and mothers Chapter C.I%5I.$$(o! Pantagruel did put himsel in a readiness to go to seaE and o the herb named Pantagruelion Chapter C.%.$$(o! the amous Pantagruelion ought to be prepared and !rought Chapter C.%5.$$;hy it is called Pantagruelion, and o the admirable "irtues thereo Chapter C.%55.$$(o! a certain kind o Pantagruelion is o that nature that the ire is not able to consume it

T(1 F'8RT( B'':. The Translator's Pre ace The *uthor's 1pistle )edicatory

The *uthor's Prologue Chapter /.5.$$(o! Pantagruel !ent to sea to "isit the oracle o Bacbuc, alias the (oly Bottle Chapter /.55.$$(o! Pantagruel bought many rarities in the island o <edamothy Chapter /.555.$$(o! Pantagruel recei"ed a letter rom his ather Gargantua, and o the strange !ay to ha"e speedy ne!s rom ar distant places Chapter /.5=.$$(o! Pantagruel !rit to his ather Gargantua, and sent him se"eral curiosities Chapter /.=.$$(o! Pantagruel met a ship !ith passengers returning rom %antern$land Chapter /.=5.$$(o!, the ray being o"er, Panurge cheapened one o )ingdong's sheep Chapter /.=55.$$;hich i you read you'll ind ho! Panurge bargained !ith )ingdong Chapter /.=555.$$(o! Panurge caused )ingdong and his sheep to be dro!ned in the sea Chapter /.5I.$$(o! Pantagruel arri"ed at the island o 1nnasin, and o the strange !ays o being akin in that country Chapter /.I.$$(o! Pantagruel !ent ashore at the island o Chely, !here he sa! :ing +t. Panigon Chapter /.I5.$$;hy monks lo"e to be in kitchens Chapter /.I55.$$(o! Pantagruel passed by the land o Petti ogging, and o the strange !ay o li"ing among the Catchpoles Chapter /.I555.$$(o!, like <aster Francis =illon, the %ord o Basche commended his ser"ants Chapter /.I5=.$$* urther account o catchpoles !ho !ere drubbed at Basche's house Chapter /.I=.$$(o! the ancient custom at nuptials is rene!ed by the catchpole Chapter /.I=5.$$(o! Friar 7ohn made trial o the nature o the catchpoles Chapter /.I=55.$$(o! Pantagruel came to the islands o Tohu and BohuE and o the strange death o ;ide$nostrils, the s!allo!er o !indmills Chapter /.I=555.$$(o! Pantagruel met !ith a great storm at sea Chapter /.I5I.$$;hat countenances Panurge and Friar 7ohn kept during the storm

Chapter /.II.$$(o! the pilots !ere orsaking their ships in the greatest stress o !eather Chapter /.II5.$$* continuation o the storm, !ith a short discourse on the subject o making testaments at sea Chapter /.II55.$$*n end o the storm Chapter /.II555.$$(o! Panurge played the good ello! !hen the storm !as o"er Chapter /.II5=.$$(o! Panurge !as said to ha"e been a raid !ithout reason during the storm Chapter /.II=.$$(o!, a ter the storm, Pantagruel !ent on shore in the islands o the <acreons Chapter /.II=5.$$(o! the good <acrobius ga"e us an account o the mansion and decease o the heroes Chapter /.II=55.$$Pantagruel's discourse o the decease o heroic soulsE and o the dread ul prodigies that happened be ore the death o the late %ord de %angey Chapter /.II=555.$$(o! Pantagruel related a "ery sad story o the death o the heroes Chapter /.II5I.$$(o! Pantagruel sailed by the +neaking 5sland, !here +hro"etide reigned Chapter /.III.$$(o! +hro"etide is anatomiHed and described by Ienomanes Chapter /.III5.$$+hro"etide's out!ard parts anatomiHed Chapter /.III55.$$* continuation o +hro"etide's countenance Chapter /.III555.$$(o! Pantagruel disco"ered a monstrous physeter, or !hirlpool, near the ;ild 5sland Chapter /.III5=.$$(o! the monstrous physeter !as slain by Pantagruel Chapter /.III=.$$(o! Pantagruel !ent on shore in the ;ild 5sland, the ancient abode o the Chitterlings Chapter /.III=5.$$(o! the !ild Chitterlings laid an ambuscado or Pantagruel Chapter /.III=55.$$(o! Pantagruel sent or Colonel <aul$chitterling and Colonel Cut$puddingE !ith a discourse !ell !orth your hearing about the names o places and persons Chapter /.III=555.$$(o! Chitterlings are not to be slighted by men Chapter /.III5I.$$(o! Friar 7ohn joined !ith the cooks to ight the Chitterlings Chapter /.I%.$$(o! Friar 7ohn itted up the so!E and o the "aliant cooks

that !ent into it Chapter /.I%5.$$(o! Pantagruel broke the Chitterlings at the knees Chapter /.I%55.$$(o! Pantagruel held a treaty !ith 9iphleseth, Jueen o the Chitterlings Chapter /.I%555.$$(o! Pantagruel !ent into the island o Ruach Chapter /.I%5=.$$(o! small rain lays a high !ind Chapter /.I%=.$$(o! Pantagruel !ent ashore in the island o Pope$Figland Chapter /.I%=5.$$(o! a junior de"il !as ooled by a husbandman o Pope$ Figland Chapter /.I%=55.$$(o! the de"il !as decei"ed by an old !oman o Pope$ Figland Chapter /.I%=555.$$(o! Pantagruel !ent ashore at the island o Papimany Chapter /.I%5I.$$(o! (omenas, Bishop o Papimany, sho!ed us the 8ranopet decretals Chapter /.%.$$(o! (omenas sho!ed us the archetype, or representation o a pope Chapter /.%5.$$Table$talk in praise o the decretals Chapter /.%55.$$* continuation o the miracles caused by the decretals Chapter /.%555.$$(o!, by the "irtue o the decretals, gold is subtilely dra!n out o France to Rome Chapter /.%5=.$$(o! (omenas ga"e Pantagruel some bon$Christian pears Chapter /.%=.$$(o! Pantagruel, being at sea, heard "arious un roHen !ords Chapter /.%=5.$$(o! among the roHen !ords Pantagruel ound some odd ones Chapter /.%=55.$$(o! Pantagruel !ent ashore at the d!elling o Gaster, the irst master o arts in the !orld Chapter /.%=555.$$(o!, at the court o the master o ingenuity, Pantagruel detested the 1ngastrimythes and the Gastrolaters Chapter /.%5I.$$' the ridiculous statue <anduceE and ho! and !hat the Gastrolaters sacri ice to their "entripotent god Chapter /.%I.$$;hat the Gastrolaters sacri iced to their god on interlarded ish$days Chapter /.%I5.$$(o! Gaster in"ented means to get and preser"e corn Chapter /.%I55.$$(o! Gaster in"ented an art to a"oid being hurt or touched by cannon$balls

Chapter /.%I555.$$(o! Pantagruel ell asleep near the island o Chaneph, and o the problems proposed to be sol"ed !hen he !aked Chapter /.%I5=.$$(o! Pantagruel ga"e no ans!er to the problems Chapter /.%I=.$$(o! Pantagruel passed the time !ith his ser"ants Chapter /.%I=5.$$(o!, by Pantagruel's order, the <uses !ere saluted near the isle o Ganabim Chapter /.%I=55.$$(o! Panurge berayed himsel or earE and o the huge cat Rodilardus, !hich he took or a puny de"il

T(1 F5FT( B'':. The *uthor's Prologue Chapter B.5.$$(o! Pantagruel arri"ed at the Ringing 5sland, and o the noise that !e heard Chapter B.55.$$(o! the Ringing 5sland had been inhabited by the +iticines, !ho !ere become birds Chapter B.555.$$(o! there is but one pope$ha!k in the Ringing 5sland Chapter B.5=.$$(o! the birds o the Ringing 5sland !ere all passengers Chapter B.=.$$' the dumb :night$ha!ks o the Ringing 5sland Chapter B.=5.$$(o! the birds are crammed in the Ringing 5sland Chapter B.=55.$$(o! Panurge related to <aster *edituus the able o the horse and the ass Chapter B.=555.$$(o! !ith much ado !e got a sight o the pope$ha!k Chapter B.5I.$$(o! !e arri"ed at the island o Tools Chapter B.I.$$(o! Pantagruel arri"ed at the island o +harping Chapter B.I5.$$(o! !e passed through the !icket inhabited by Gripe$men$all, *rchduke o the Furred %a!$cats Chapter B.I55.$$(o! Gripe$men$all propounded a riddle to us Chapter B.I555.$$(o! Panurge sol"ed Gripe$men$all's riddle Chapter B.I5=.$$(o! the Furred %a!$cats li"e on corruption Chapter B.I=.$$(o! Friar 7ohn talks o rooting out the Furred %a!$cats Chapter B.I=5.$$(o! Pantagruel came to the island o the *pede ers, or 5gnoramuses, !ith long cla!s and crooked pa!s, and o terrible ad"entures and monsters there

Chapter B.I=55.$$(o! !e !ent or!ards, and ho! Panurge had like to ha"e been killed Chapter B.I=555.$$(o! our ships !ere stranded, and !e !ere relie"ed by some people that !ere subject to Jueen ;hims @>ui tenoient de la JuinteD Chapter B.I5I.$$(o! !e arri"ed at the >ueendom o ;hims or 1ntelechy Chapter B.II.$$(o! the Juintessence cured the sick !ith a song Chapter B.II5.$$(o! the Jueen passed her time a ter dinner Chapter B.II55.$$(o! Jueen ;hims' o icers !ere employedE and ho! the said lady retained us among her abstractors Chapter B.II555.$$(o! the Jueen !as ser"ed at dinner, and o her !ay o eating Chapter B.II5=.$$(o! there !as a ball in the manner o a tournament, at !hich Jueen ;hims !as present Chapter B.II=.$$(o! the thirty$t!o persons at the ball ought Chapter B.II=5.$$(o! !e came to the island o 'des, !here the !ays go up and do!n Chapter B.II=55.$$(o! !e came to the island o +andalsE and o the order o +emi>ua"er Friars Chapter B.II=555.$$(o! Panurge asked a +emi>ua"er Friar many >uestions, and !as only ans!ered in monosyllables Chapter B.II5I.$$(o! 1pistemon disliked the institution o %ent Chapter B.III.$$(o! !e came to the land o +atin Chapter B.III5.$$(o! in the land o +atin !e sa! (earsay, !ho kept a school o "ouching Chapter B.III55.$$(o! !e came in sight o %antern$land Chapter B.III555.$$(o! !e landed at the port o the %ychnobii, and came to %antern$land Chapter B.III5=.$$(o! !e arri"ed at the 'racle o the Bottle Chapter B.III=.$$(o! !e !ent underground to come to the Temple o the (oly Bottle, and ho! Chinon is the oldest city in the !orld Chapter B.III=5.$$(o! !e !ent do!n the tetradic steps, and o Panurge's ear Chapter B.III=55.$$(o! the temple gates in a !onder ul manner opened o themsel"es Chapter B.III=555.$$' the temple's admirable pa"ement

Chapter B.III5I.$$(o! !e sa! Bacchus's army dra!n up in battalia in mosaic !ork Chapter B.I%.$$(o! the battle in !hich the good Bacchus o"erthre! the 5ndians !as represented in mosaic !ork Chapter B.I%5.$$(o! the temple !as illuminated !ith a !onder ul lamp Chapter B.I%55.$$(o! the Priestess Bacbuc sho!ed us a antastic ountain in the temple, and ho! the ountain$!ater had the taste o !ine, according to the imagination o those !ho drank o it Chapter B.I%555.$$(o! the Priestess Bacbuc e>uipped Panurge in order to ha"e the !ord o the Bottle Chapter B.I%5=.$$(o! Bacbuc, the high$priestess, brought Panurge be ore the (oly Bottle Chapter B.I%=.$$(o! Bacbuc e?plained the !ord o the Goddess$Bottle Chapter B.I%=5.$$(o! Panurge and the rest rhymed !ith poetic ury Chapter B.I%=55.$$(o! !e took our lea"e o Bacbuc, and le t the 'racle o the (oly Bottle

5ntroduction. (ad Rabelais ne"er !ritten his strange and mar"ellous romance, no one !ould e"er ha"e imagined the possibility o its production. 5t stands outside other things$$a mi?ture o mad mirth and gra"ity, o olly and reason, o childishness and grandeur, o the commonplace and the out$o $the$!ay, o popular "er"e and polished humanism, o mother$!it and learning, o baseness and nobility, o personalities and broad generaliHation, o the comic and the serious, o the impossible and the amiliar. Throughout the !hole there is such a orce o li e and thought, such a po!er o good sense, a kind o assurance so authoritati"e, that he takes rank !ith the greatestE and his peers are not many. #ou may like him or not, may attack him or sing his praises, but you cannot ignore him. (e is o those that die hard. Be as astidious as you !illE make up your mind to recogniHe only those !ho are, !ithout any manner o doubt, beyond and abo"e all othersE ho!e"er e! the names you keep, Rabelais' !ill al!ays remain. ;e may kno! his !ork, may kno! it !ell, and admire it more e"ery time !e read it. * ter being amused by it, a ter ha"ing enjoyed it, !e may return again to study it and to enter more ully into its meaning. #et there is no possibility o kno!ing his o!n li e in the same ashion. 5n spite o all the e orts, o ten success ul, that ha"e been made to thro! light on it, to bring or!ard a resh document, or some obscure mention in a orgotten book, to add some little act, to i? a date more precisely, it remains ne"ertheless ull o uncertainty and o gaps. Besides, it has been burdened and sullied by all kinds o !earisome stories and oolish anecdotes, so that really there is more to !eed out than to add. This injustice, at irst !il ul, had its rise in the si?teenth century, in

the urious attacks o a monk o Fonte"rault, Gabriel de Puy$(erbault, !ho seems to ha"e dra!n his conclusions concerning the author rom the book, and, more especially, in the regrettable satirical epitaph o Ronsard, pi>ued, it is said, that the Guises had gi"en him only a little pa"illon in the Forest o <eudon, !hereas the presbytery !as close to the chateau. From that time legend has astened on Rabelais, has completely tra"estied him, till, bit by bit, it has made o him a bu oon, a "eritable clo!n, a "agrant, a glutton, and a drunkard. The likeness o his person has undergone a similar metamorphosis. (e has been credited !ith a ull moon o a ace, the rubicund nose o an incorrigible toper, and thick coarse lips al!ays apart because al!ays laughing. The picture !ould ha"e surprised his riends no less than himsel . There ha"e been portraits painted o RabelaisE 5 ha"e seen many such. They are all o the se"enteenth century, and the greater number are concei"ed in this jo"ial and popular style. *s a matter o act there is only one portrait o him that counts, that has more than the merest chance o being authentic, the one in the Chronologie collee or coupee. 8nder this double name is kno!n and cited a large sheet di"ided by lines and cross lines into little s>uares, containing about a hundred heads o illustrious Frenchmen. This sheet !as stuck on pasteboard or hanging on the !all, and !as cut in little pieces, so that the portraits might be sold separately. The majority o the portraits are o kno!n persons and can there ore be "eri ied. 9o! it can be seen that these ha"e been selected !ith care, and taken rom the most authentic sourcesE rom statues, busts, medals, e"en stained glass, or the persons o most distinction, rom earlier engra"ings or the others. <oreo"er, those o !hich no other copies e?ist, and !hich are there ore the most "aluable, ha"e each an indi"iduality "ery distinct, in the eatures, the hair, the beard, as !ell as in the costume. 9ot one o them is like another. There has been no tampering !ith them, no orgery. 'n the contrary, there is in each a di erence, a "ery marked personality. %eonard Gaultier, !ho published this engra"ing to!ards the end o the si?teenth century, reproduced a great many portraits besides rom chalk dra!ings, in the style o his master, Thomas de %eu. 5t must ha"e been such dra!ings that !ere the originals o those portraits !hich he alone has issued, and !hich may there ore be as authentic and reliable as the others !hose correctness !e are in a position to "eri y. 9o! Rabelais has here nothing o the Roger Bontemps o lo! degree about him. (is eatures are strong, "igorously cut, and urro!ed !ith deep !rinklesE his beard is short and scantyE his cheeks are thin and already !orn$looking. 'n his head he !ears the s>uare cap o the doctors and the clerks, and his dominant e?pression, some!hat rigid and se"ere, is that o a physician and a scholar. *nd this is the only portrait to !hich !e need attach any importance. This is not the place or a detailed biography, nor or an e?hausti"e study. *t most this introduction !ill ser"e as a rame!ork on !hich to i? a e! certain dates, to hang some general obser"ations. The date o Rabelais' birth is "ery doubt ul. For long it !as placed as ar back as 3/,C& no! scholars are disposed to put it or!ard to about 3/FB. The reason, a good one, is that all those !hom he has mentioned as his riends, or in any real sense his contemporaries, !ere born at the "ery end o the i teenth century. *nd, indeed, it is in the re erences in his romance to names, persons, and places, that the most certain and "aluable e"idence is

to be ound o his intercourse, his patrons, his riendships, his sojournings, and his tra"els& his o!n !ork is the best and richest mine in !hich to search or the details o his li e. %ike )escartes and BalHac, he !as a nati"e o Touraine, and Tours and Chinon ha"e only done their duty in each o them erecting in recent years a statue to his honour, a t!o old homage re lecting credit both on the pro"ince and on the to!n. But the precise acts about his birth are ne"ertheless "ague. (uet speaks o the "illage o Benais, near Bourgeuil, o !hose "ineyards Rabelais makes mention. *s the little "ineyard o %a )e"iniere, near Chinon, and amiliar to all his readers, is supposed to ha"e belonged to his ather, Thomas Rabelais, some !ould ha"e him born there. 5t is better to hold to the earlier general opinion that Chinon !as his nati"e to!nE Chinon, !hose praises he sang !ith such heartiness and a ection. There he might !ell ha"e been born in the %amproie house, !hich belonged to his ather, !ho, to judge rom this circumstance, must ha"e been in easy circumstances, !ith the position o a !ell$to$do citiHen. *s %a %amproie in the se"enteenth century !as a hostelry, the ather o Rabelais has been set do!n as an innkeeper. <ore probably he !as an apothecary, !hich !ould it in !ith the medical pro ession adopted by his son in a ter years. Rabelais had brothers, all older than himsel . Perhaps because he !as the youngest, his ather destined him or the Church. The time he spent !hile a child !ith the Benedictine monks at +euille is uncertain. There he might ha"e made the ac>uaintance o the prototype o his Friar 7ohn, a brother o the name o Buinart, a ter!ards Prior o +ermaiHe. (e !as longer at the *bbey o the Cordeliers at %a Baumette, hal a mile rom *ngers, !here he became a no"ice. *s the brothers )u Bellay, !ho !ere later his <aecenases, !ere then studying at the 8ni"ersity o *ngers, !here it is certain he !as not a student, it is doubtless rom this youth ul period that his ac>uaintance and alliance !ith them should date. =oluntarily, or induced by his amily, Rabelais no! embraced the ecclesiastical pro ession, and entered the monastery o the Franciscan Cordeliers at Fontenay$le$Comte, in %o!er Poitou, !hich !as honoured by his long sojourn at the "ital period o his li e !hen his po!ers !ere ripening. There it !as he began to study and to think, and there also began his troubles. 5n spite o the !ide$spread ignorance among the monks o that age, the encyclopaedic mo"ement o the Renaissance !as attracting all the lo ty minds. Rabelais thre! himsel into it !ith enthusiasm, and %atin anti>uity !as not enough or him. Greek, a study discountenanced by the Church, !hich looked on it as dangerous and tending to reethought and heresy, took possession o him. To it he o!ed the !arm riendship o Pierre *my and o the celebrated Guillaume Bude. 5n act, the Greek letters o the latter are the best source o in ormation concerning this period o Rabelais' li e. 5t !as at Fontenay$le$Comte also that he became ac>uainted !ith the Brissons and the great jurist *ndre Tira>ueau, !hom he ne"er mentions but !ith admiration and deep a ection. Tira>ueau's treatise, )e legibus connubialibus, published or the irst time in 3B3C, has an important bearing on the li e o Rabelais. There !e learn that, dissatis ied !ith the incomplete translation o (erodotus by %aurent =alla, Rabelais had retranslated into %atin the irst book o the (istory. That translation un ortunately is lost, as so many other o his scattered !orks. 5t is probably in this direction that the haHard o ortune has most disco"eries and surprises in store or the lucky searcher. <oreo"er, as in this la!

treatise Tira>ueau attacked !omen in a merciless ashion, President *maury Bouchard published in 3B-- a book in their de ence, and Rabelais, !ho !as a riend o both the antagonists, took the side o Tira>ueau. 5t should be obser"ed also in passing, that there are se"eral pages o such audacious plain$speaking, that Rabelais, though he did not copy these in his <arriage o Panurge, has there been, in his o!n ashion, as out spoken as Tira>ueau. 5 such reedom o language could be permitted in a gra"e treatise o la!, similar liberties !ere certainly, in the same century, more natural in a book !hich !as meant to amuse. The great reproach al!ays brought against Rabelais is not the !ant o reser"e o his language merely, but his occasional studied coarseness, !hich is enough to spoil his !hole !ork, and !hich lo!ers its "alue. %a Bruyere, in the chapter )es ou"rages de l'esprit, not in the irst edition o the Caracteres, but in the i th, that is to say in 3AF., at the end o the great century, gi"es us on this subject his o!n opinion and that o his age& '<arot and Rabelais are ine?cusable in their habit o scattering ilth about their !ritings. Both o them had genius enough and !it enough to do !ithout any such e?pedient, e"en or the amusement o those persons !ho look more to the laugh to be got out o a book than to !hat is admirable in it. Rabelais especially is incomprehensible. (is book is an enigma,$$one may say ine?plicable. 5t is a ChimeraE it is like the ace o a lo"ely !oman !ith the eet and the tail o a reptile, or o some creature still more loathsome. 5t is a monstrous con usion o ine and rare morality !ith ilthy corruption. ;here it is bad, it goes beyond the !orstE it is the delight o the basest o men. ;here it is good, it reaches the e?>uisite, the "ery bestE it ministers to the most delicate tastes.' Putting aside the rather slight connection established bet!een t!o men o !hom one is o "ery little importance compared !ith the other, this is other!ise "ery admirably said, and the judgment is a "ery just one, e?cept !ith regard to one point$$the misunderstanding o the atmosphere in !hich the book !as created, and the ignoring o the e?amples o a similar tendency urnished by literature as !ell as by the popular taste. ;as it not the *ncients that began itK *ristophanes, Catullus, Petronius, <artial, le! in the ace o decency in their ideas as !ell as in the !ords they used, and they dragged a ter them in this direction not a e! o the %atin poets o the Renaissance, !ho belie"ed themsel"es bound to imitate them. 5s 5taly !ithout ault in this respectK (er story$tellers in prose lie open to easy accusation. (er Capitoli in "erse go to incredible lengthsE and the astonishing success o *retino must not be orgotten, nor the licence o the !hole 5talian comic theatre o the si?teenth century. The Calandra o Bibbiena, !ho !as a ter!ards a Cardinal, and the <andragola o <achia"elli, are e"idence enough, and these !ere played be ore Popes, !ho !ere not a !hit embarrassed. 1"en in 1ngland the drama !ent "ery ar or a time, and the comic authors o the reign o Charles 55., e"idently rom a reaction, and to shake o the e?cess and the !earisomeness o Puritan prudery and a ectation, !hich sent them to the opposite e?treme, are not e?actly noted or their reser"e. But !e need not go beyond France. +light indications, "ery easily "eri ied, are all that may be set do!n hereE a ormal and detailed proo !ould be altogether too dangerous. Thus, or instance, the old Fabliau?$$the Farces o the i teenth century, the story$tellers o the si?teenth$$re"eal one o the sides, one o the "eins, so to speak, o our literature. The art that addresses itsel to

the eye had like!ise its share o this coarseness. Think o the sculptures on the capitals and the modillions o churches, and the crude rankness o certain painted !indo!s o the i teenth century. Jueen *nne !as, !ithout any doubt, one o the most "irtuous !omen in the !orld. #et she used to go up the staircase o her chateau at Blois, and her eyes !ere not o ended at seeing at the oot o a bracket a not "ery decent car"ing o a monk and a nun. 9either did she tear out o her book o (ours the large miniature o the !inter month, in !hich, careless o her neighbours' eyes, the mistress o the house, sitting be ore her great ireplace, !arms hersel in a ashion !hich it is not ad"isable that dames o our age should imitate. The statue o Cybele by the Tribolo, e?ecuted or Francis 5., and placed, not against a !all, but in the middle o Jueen Claude's chamber at Fontainebleau, has behind it an attribute !hich !ould ha"e been more in place on a statue o Priapus, and !hich !as the symbol o generati"eness. The tone o the con"ersations !as ordinarily o a surprising coarseness, and the Precieuses, in spite o their absurdities, did a "ery good !ork in setting themsel"es in opposition to it. The !orthy Che"alier de %a$Tour$%andry, in his 5nstructions to his o!n daughters, !ithout a thought o harm, gi"es e?amples !hich are singular indeed, and in Ca?ton's translation these are not omitted. The *de"ineau? *moureu?, printed at Bruges by Colard <ansion, are astonishing indeed !hen one considers that they !ere the little society di"ersions o the )uchesses o Burgundy and o the great ladies o a court more lu?urious and more re ined than the French court, !hich re"elled in the Cent 9ou"elles o good :ing %ouis I5. Rabelais' pleasantry about the !oman olle a la messe is e?actly in the style o the *de"ineau?. * later !ork than any o his, the 9o"elle o Bandello, should be kept in mind$$ or the !riter !as Bishop o *gen, and his !ork !as translated into French$$as also the )ames Galantes o Brantome. Read the 7ournal o (eroard, that honest doctor, !ho day by day !rote do!n the details concerning the health o %ouis I555. rom his birth, and you !ill understand the tone o the con"ersation o (enry 5=. The jokes at a country !edding are tri les compared !ith this royal coarseness. %e <oyen de Par"enir is nothing but a tissue and a mass o ilth, and the too celebrated Cabinet +atyri>ue pro"es !hat, under %ouis I555., could be !ritten, printed, and read. The collection o songs ormed by Clairambault sho!s that the se"enteenth and eighteenth centuries !ere no purer than the si?teenth. +ome o the most ribald songs are actually the !ork o Princesses o the royal (ouse. 5t is, there ore, altogether unjust to make Rabelais the scapegoat, to charge him alone !ith the sins o e"erybody else. (e spoke as those o his time used to speakE !hen amusing them he used their language to make himsel understood, and to slip in his asides, !hich !ithout this sauce !ould ne"er ha"e been accepted, !ould ha"e ound neither eyes nor ears. %et us blame not him, there ore, but the manners o his time. Besides, his gaiety, ho!e"er coarse it may appear to us$$and ho! rare a thing is gaietyL$$has, a ter all, nothing un!holesome about itE and this is too o ten o"erlooked. ;here does he tempt one to stray rom dutyK ;here, e"en indirectly, does he gi"e pernicious ad"iceK ;hom has he led to e"il !aysK )oes he e"er inspire eelings that breed misconduct and "ice, or is he e"er the apologist o theseK <any poets and romance !riters, under co"er o a astidious style, !ithout one coarse e?pression, ha"e been really and acti"ely hurt ulE and o that it is impossible to accuse Rabelais. ;omen in particular >uickly re"olt rom him, and turn a!ay

repulsed at once by the archaic orm o the language and by the outspokenness o the !ords. But i he be read aloud to them, omitting the rougher parts and moderniHing the pronunciation, it !ill be seen that they too are impressed by his li"ely !it as by the lo tiness o his thought. 5t !ould be possible, too, to e?tract, or young persons, !ithout modi ication, admirable passages o incomparable orce. But those !ho ha"e brought out e?purgated editions o him, or !ho ha"e thought to impro"e him by trying to re!rite him in modern French, ha"e been ools or their pains, and their insulting attempts ha"e had, and al!ays !ill ha"e, the success they deser"e. (is dedications pro"e to !hat e?tent his !hole !ork !as accepted. 9ot to speak o his epistolary relations !ith Bude, !ith the Cardinal d'*rmagnac and !ith Pellissier, the ambassador o Francis 5. and Bishop o <aguelonne, or o his dedication to Tira>ueau o his %yons edition o the 1pistolae <edicinales o Gio"anni <anardi o Ferrara, o the one addressed to the President *maury Bouchard o the t!o legal te?ts !hich he belie"ed anti>ue, there is still the e"idence o his other and more important dedications. 5n 3BC- he dedicated his (ippocrates and his Galen to Geo roy d'1stissac, Bishop o <ailleHais, to !hom in 3BCB and 3BCA he addressed rom Rome the three ne!s letters, !hich alone ha"e been preser"edE and in 3BC/ he dedicated rom %yons his edition o the %atin book o <arliani on the topography o Rome to 7ean du Bellay @at that time Bishop o ParisD !ho !as raised to the Cardinalate in 3BCB. Beside these dedications !e must set the pri"ilege o Francis 5. o +eptember, 3B/B, and the ne! pri"ilege granted by (enry 55. on *ugust Ath, 3BB., Cardinal de Chatillon present, or the third book, !hich !as dedicated, in an eight$lined stanHa, to the +pirit o the Jueen o 9a"arre. These pri"ileges, rom the praises and eulogies they e?press in terms "ery personal and "ery e?ceptional, are as important in Rabelais' li e as !ere, in connection !ith other matters, the *postolic Pastorals in his a"our. ' course, in these the popes had not to introduce his books o di"ersions, !hich, ne"ertheless, !ould ha"e seemed in their eyes but "ery "enial sins. The +ciomachie o 3B/F, an account o the esti"ities arranged at Rome by Cardinal du Bellay in honour o the birth o the second son o (enry 55., !as addressed to Cardinal de Guise, and in 3BB- the ourth book !as dedicated, in a ne! prologue, to Cardinal de Chatillon, the brother o *dmiral de Coligny. These are no unkno!n or insigni icant personages, but the greatest lords and princes o the Church. They lo"ed and admired and protected Rabelais, and put no restrictions in his !ay. ;hy should !e be more astidious and se"ere than they !ereK Their high contemporary appreciation gi"es much ood or thought. There are e! translations o Rabelais in oreign tonguesE and certainly the task is no light one, and demands more than a amiliarity !ith ordinary French. 5t !ould ha"e been easier in 5taly than any!here else. 5talian, rom its le?ibility and its analogy to French, !ould ha"e lent itsel admirably to the purposeE the instrument !as ready, but the hand !as not orthcoming. 9either is there any +panish translation, a act !hich can be more easily understood. The 5n>uisition !ould ha"e been a ar more serious opponent than the Paris' +orbonne, and no one "entured on the e?periment. #et Rabelais orces comparison !ith Cer"antes, !hose precursor he !as in reality, though the t!o books and the t!o minds are "ery di erent. They ha"e only one point in common, their attack and ridicule o the romances o chi"alry and o the !ildly improbable ad"entures o knight$errants. But in )on Jui?ote there is not a single detail !hich !ould suggest that Cer"antes

kne! Rabelais' book or o!ed anything to it !hatsoe"er, e"en the starting$point o his subject. Perhaps it !as better he should not ha"e been in luenced by him, in ho!e"er slight a degreeE his originality is the more intact and the more genial. 'n the other hand, Rabelais has been se"eral times translated into German. 5n the present century Regis published at %eipsic, rom 3,C3 to 3,/3, !ith copious notes, a close and aith ul translation. The irst one cannot be so described, that o 7ohann Fischart, a nati"e o <ainH or +trasburg, !ho died in 3A3/. (e !as a Protestant contro"ersialist, and a satirist o antastic and abundant imagination. 5n 3BGB appeared his translation o Rabelais' irst book, and in 3BF. he published the comic catalogue o the library o +aint =ictor, borro!ed rom the second book. 5t is not a translation, but a recast in the boldest style, ull o alterations and o e?aggerations, both as regards the coarse e?pressions !hich he took upon himsel to de"elop and to add to, and in the attacks on the Roman Catholic Church. *ccording to 7ean Paul Richter, Fischart is much superior to Rabelais in style and in the ruit ulness o his ideas, and his e>ual in erudition and in the in"ention o ne! e?pressions a ter the manner o *ristophanes. (e is sure that his !ork !as success ul, because it !as o ten reprinted during his li etimeE but this enthusiasm o 7ean Paul !ould hardly carry con"iction in France. ;ho treads in another's ootprints must ollo! in the rear. 5nstead o a creator, he is but an imitator. Those !ho take the ideas o others to modi y them, and make o them creations o their o!n, like +hakespeare in 1ngland, <oliere and %a Fontaine in France, may be superior to those !ho ha"e ser"ed them !ith suggestionsE but then the ne! !orks must be altogether di erent, must e?ist by themsel"es. +hakespeare and the others, !hen they imitated, may be said al!ays to ha"e destroyed their models. These copyists, i !e call them so, created such !orks o genius that the only pity is they are so rare. This is not the case !ith Fischart, but it !ould be none the less curious !ere some one thoroughly amiliar !ith German to translate Fischart or us, or at least, by long e?tracts rom him, gi"e an idea o the "agaries o German taste !hen it thought it could do better than Rabelais. 5t is dangerous to tamper !ith so great a !ork, and he !ho does so runs a great risk o burning his ingers. 1ngland has been less daring, and her modesty and discretion ha"e brought her success. But, be ore speaking o 8r>uhart's translation, it is but right to mention the 1nglish$French )ictionary o Randle Cotgra"e, the irst edition o !hich dates rom 3A33. 5t is in e"ery !ay e?ceedingly "aluable, and superior to that o 9icot, because instead o keeping to the plane o classic and %atin French, it sho!ed an ac>uaintance !ith and mastery o the popular tongue as !ell as o the !ritten and learned language. *s a oreigner, Cotgra"e is a little behind in his in ormation. (e is not a!are o all the changes and no"elties o the passing ashion. The Pleiad +chool he e"idently kne! nothing o , but kept to the !riters o the i teenth and the irst hal o the si?teenth century. Thus !ords out o Rabelais, !hich he al!ays translates !ith admirable skill, are re>uent, and he attaches to them their author's name. +o Rabelais had already crossed the Channel, and !as read in his o!n tongue. +ome!hat later, during the ull s!ay o the Common!ealth$$and <aitre *lco ribas 9asier must ha"e been a surprising apparition in the midst o Puritan se"erity$$Captain 8r>uhart undertook to translate him and to naturaliHe him completely in 1ngland. Thomas 8r>uhart belonged to a "ery old amily o good standing in the 9orth

o +cotland. * ter studying in *berdeen he tra"elled in France, +pain, and 5taly, !here his s!ord !as as acti"e as that intelligent curiosity o his !hich is e"idenced by his amiliarity !ith three languages and the large library !hich he brought back, according to his o!n account, rom si?teen countries he had "isited. 'n his return to 1ngland he entered the ser"ice o Charles 5., !ho knighted him in 3A/3. 9e?t year, a ter the death o his ather, he !ent to +cotland to set his amily a airs in order, and to redeem his house in Cromarty. But, in spite o another sojourn in oreign lands, his e orts to ree himsel rom pecuniary embarrassments !ere una"ailing. *t the king's death his +cottish loyalty caused him to side !ith those !ho opposed the Parliament. Formally proscribed in 3A/F, taken prisoner at the de eat o ;orcester in 3AB3, stripped o all his belongings, he !as brought to %ondon, but !as released on parole at Crom!ell's recommendation. * ter recei"ing permission to spend i"e months in +cotland to try once more to settle his a airs, he came back to %ondon to escape rom his creditors. *nd there he must ha"e died, though the date o his death is unkno!n. 5t probably took place a ter 3ABC, the date o the publication o the t!o irst books, and a ter ha"ing !ritten the translation o the third, !hich !as not printed rom his manuscript till the end o the se"enteenth century. (is li e !as there ore not !ithout its troubles, and literary acti"ity must ha"e been almost his only consolation. (is !ritings re"eal him as the strangest character, antastic, and ull o a nai"e "anity, !hich, e"en at the time he !as translating the genealogy o Gargantua$$surely !ell calculated to cure any pondering on his o!n$$caused him to trace his unbroken descent rom *dam, and to state that his amily name !as deri"ed rom his ancestor 1sormon, Prince o *chaia, -3CF B.C., !ho !as surnamed 'urochartos, that is to say the Fortunate and the ;ell$belo"ed. * Gascon could not ha"e surpassed this. Gi ted as he !as, learned in many directions, an enthusiastic mathematician, master o se"eral languages, occasionally ull o !it and humour, and e"en good sense, yet he ga"e his books the strangest titles, and his ideas !ere no less !himsical. (is style is mystic, astidious, and too o ten o a !earisome length and obscurityE his "erses rhyme anyho!, or not at allE but "i"acity, orce and heat are ne"er lacking, and the <aitland Club did !ell in reprinting, in 3,C/, his "arious !orks, !hich are "ery rare. #et, in spite o their curious interest, he o!es his real distinction and the sur"i"al o his name to his translation o Rabelais. The irst t!o books appeared in 3ABC. The original edition, e?ceedingly scarce, !as care ully reprinted in 3,C,, only a hundred copies being issued, by an 1nglish bibliophile T@heodoreD <@artinD, !hose interesting pre ace 5 regret to sum up so cursorily. *t the end o the se"enteenth century, in 3AFC, a French re ugee, Peter *ntony <otteu?, !hose 1nglish "erses and !hose plays are not !ithout "alue, published in a little octa"o "olume a reprint, "ery incorrect as to the te?t, o the irst t!o books, to !hich he added the third, rom the manuscript ound amongst 8r>uhart's papers. The success !hich attended this "enture suggested to <otteu? the idea o completing the !ork, and a second edition, in t!o "olumes, appeared in 3G.,, !ith the translation o the ourth and i th books, and notes. 9ineteen years a ter his death, 7ohn 'Hell, translator on a large scale o French, 5talian, and +panish authors, re"ised <otteu?'s edition, !hich he published in i"e "olumes in 3GCG, adding %e )uchat's notesE and this

"ersion has o ten been reprinted since. The continuation by <otteu?, !ho !as also the translator o )on Jui?ote, has merits o its o!n. 5t is precise, elegant, and "ery aith ul. 8r>uhart's, !ithout taking liberties !ith Rabelais like Fischart, is not al!ays so closely literal and e?act. 9e"ertheless, it is much superior to <otteu?'s. 5 8r>uhart does not constantly adhere to the orm o the e?pression, i he makes a e! slight additions, not only has he an understanding o the original, but he eels it, and renders the sense !ith a orce and a "i"acity ull o !armth and brilliancy. (is o!n learning made the comprehension o the !ork easy to him, and his angliciHation o !ords abricated by Rabelais is particularly success ul. The necessity o keeping to his te?t pre"ented his indulgence in the con"olutions and di"agations dictated by his e?uberant ancy !hen !riting on his o!n account. (is style, al!ays ull o li e and "igour, is here balanced, lucid, and pictures>ue. 9e"er else!here did he !rite so !ell. *nd thus the translation reproduces the "ery accent o the original, besides possessing a "ery remarkable character o its o!n. +uch a literary tone and such literary >ualities are rarely ound in a translation. 8r>uhart's, "ery use ul or the interpretation o obscure passages, may, and indeed should be read as a !hole, both or Rabelais and or its o!n merits. (olland, too, possesses a translation o Rabelais. They kne! French in that country in the se"enteenth century better than they do to$day, and there Rabelais' !orks !ere reprinted !hen no editions !ere appearing in France. This )utch translation !as published at *msterdam in 3A,-, by 7. Tenhoorn. The name attached to it, Claudio Gallitalo @Claudius French$5talianD must certainly be a pseudonym. 'nly a )utch scholar could identi y the translator, and state the "alue to be assigned to his !ork. Rabelais' style has many di erent sources. Besides its orce and brilliancy, its gaiety, !it, and dignity, its abundant richness is no less remarkable. 5t !ould be impossible and useless to compile a glossary o =oltaire's !ords. 9o French !riter has used so e!, and all o them are o the simplest. There is not one o them that is not part o the common speech, or !hich demands a note or an e?planation. Rabelais' "ocabulary, on the other hand, is o an astonishing "ariety. ;here does it all come romK *s a act, he had at his command something like three languages, !hich he used in turn, or !hich he mi?ed according to the e ect he !ished to produce. First o all, o course, he had ready to his hand the !hole speech o his time, !hich had no secrets or him. Pro"incials ha"e been too eager to appropriate him, to make o him a local author, the pride o some "illage, in order that their district might ha"e the merit o being one o the causes, one o the actors o his genius. 1"ery neighbourhood !here he e"er li"ed has declared that his distinction !as due to his kno!ledge o its popular speech. But these dialect$patriots ha"e allen out among themsel"es. To !hich dialect !as he indebtedK ;as it that o Touraine, or Berri, or Poitou, or ParisK 5t is too o ten orgotten, in regard to French patois$$lea"ing out o count the languages o the +outh$$that the !ords or e?pressions that are no longer in use to$day are but a sur"i"al, a still li"ing trace o the tongue and the pronunciation o other days. Rabelais, more than any other !riter, took ad"antage o the happy chances and the richness o the popular speech, but he !rote in French, and nothing but French. That is !hy he remains so orcible, so lucid, and so li"ing, more li"ing e"en$$speaking only o his style out o charity to the others$$than

any o his contemporaries. 5t has been said that great French prose is solely the !ork o the se"enteenth century. There !ere ne"ertheless, be ore that, t!o men, certainly "ery di erent and e"en hostile, !ho !ere its initiators and its masters, Cal"in on the one hand, on the other Rabelais. Rabelais had a !onder ul kno!ledge o the prose and the "erse o the i teenth century& he !as amiliar !ith =illon, Pathelin, the JuinHe 7oies de <ariage, the Cent 9ou"elles, the chronicles and the romances, and e"en earlier !orks, too, such as the Roman de la Rose. Their !ords, their turns o e?pression came naturally to his pen, and added a pi>uancy and, as it !ere, a kind o gloss o anti>ue no"elty to his !ork. (e abricated !ords, too, on Greek and %atin models, !ith great ease, sometimes audaciously and !ith needless re>uency. These !ere or him so many means, so many elements o "ariety. +ometimes he did this in mockery, as in the humorous discourse o the %imousin scholar, or !hich he is not a little indebted to Geo roy Tory in the Champ leuryE sometimes, on the contrary, seriously, rom a habit ac>uired in dealing !ith classical tongues. *gain, another reason o the richness o his "ocabulary !as that he in"ented and orged !ords or himsel . Follo!ing the e?ample o *ristophanes, he coined an enormous number o interminable !ords, droll e?pressions, sudden and surprising constructions. ;hat had made Greece and the *thenians laugh !as !orth transporting to Paris. ;ith an instrument so rich, resources so endless, and the skill to use them, it is no !onder that he could gi"e "oice to anything, be as humorous as he could be serious, as comic as he could be gra"e, that he could e?press himsel and e"erybody else, rom the lo!est to the highest. (e had e"ery colour on his palette, and such skill !as in his ingers that he could depict e"ery "ariety o light and shade. ;e ha"e e"idence that Rabelais did not al!ays !rite in the same ashion. The Chroni>ue Gargantuaine is uni orm in style and >uite simple, but cannot !ith certainty be attributed to him. (is letters are bombastic and thinE his e! attempts at "erse are hea"y, lumbering, and obscure, altogether lacking in harmony, and >uite as bad as those o his riend, 7ean Bouchet. (e had no gi t o poetic orm, as indeed is e"ident e"en rom his prose. *nd his letters rom Rome to the Bishop o <ailleHais, interesting as they are in regard to the matter, are as dull, bare, lat, and dry in style as possible. ;ithout his signature no one !ould possibly ha"e thought o attributing them to him. (e is only a literary artist !hen he !ishes to be suchE and in his romance he changes the style completely e"ery other moment& it has no constant character or uni orm manner, and there ore unity is almost entirely !anting in his !ork, !hile his endea"ours a ter contrast are unceasing. There is throughout the !hole the e"idence o care ul and conscious elaboration. (ence, ho!e"er lucid and ree be the style o his romance, and though its le?ibility and ease seem at irst sight to ha"e cost no trouble at all, yet its merit lies precisely in the act that it succeeds in concealing the toil, in hiding the seams. (e could not ha"e reached this per ection at a irst attempt. (e must ha"e !orked long at the task, re"ised it again and again, corrected much, and added rather than cut a!ay. The aptness o orm and e?pression has been arri"ed at by deliberate means, and o!es nothing to chance. *part rom the toning do!n o certain bold passages, to so ten

their e ect, and appease the storm$$ or these !ere not literary alterations, but !ere imposed on him by prudence$$one can see ho! numerous are the "ariations in his te?t, ho! necessary it is to take account o them, and to collect them. * good edition, o course, !ould make no attempt at amalgamating these. That !ould gi"e a alse impression and end in con usionE but it should note them all, and sho! them all, not combined, but simply as "ariations. * ter %e )uchat, all the editions, in their care that nothing should be lost, made the mistake o collecting and placing side by side things !hich had no connection !ith each other, !hich had e"en been substituted or each other. The result !as a abricated te?t, ull o contradictions naturally. But since the edition issued by <. 7annet, the !ell$kno!n publisher o the Bibliothe>ue 1lHe"irienne, !ho !as the irst to get rid o this patch!ork, this mosaic, Rabelais' latest te?t has been gi"en, accompanied by all the earlier "ariations, to sho! the changes he made, as !ell as his suppressions and additions. 5t !ould also be possible to re"erse the method. 5t !ould be interesting to take his irst te?t as the basis, noting the later modi ications. This !ould be >uite as instructi"e and really !orth doing. Perhaps one might then see more clearly !ith !hat care he made his re"isions, a ter !hat ashion he corrected, and especially !hat !ere the additions he made. 9o more striking instance can be >uoted than the admirable chapter about the ship!reck. 5t !as not al!ays so long as Rabelais made it in the end& it !as much shorter at irst. *s a rule, !hen an author recasts some passage that he !ishes to re"ise, he does so by re!riting the !hole, or at least by interpolating passages at one stroke, so to speak. 9othing o the kind is seen here. Rabelais suppressed nothing, modi ied nothingE he did not change his plan at all. ;hat he did !as to make insertions, to slip in bet!een t!o clauses a ne! one. (e e?pressed his meaning in a lengthier !ay, and the ormer clause is ound in its integrity along !ith the additional one, o !hich it orms, as it !ere, the !arp. 5t !as by this method o touching up the smallest details, by making here and there such little noticeable additions, that he succeeded in heightening the e ect !ithout either change or loss. 5n the end it looks as i he had altered nothing, added nothing ne!, as i it had al!ays been so rom the irst, and had ne"er been meddled !ith. The comparison is most instructi"e, sho!ing us to !hat an e?tent Rabelais' admirable style !as due to conscious e ort, care, and elaboration, a act !hich is generally too much o"erlooked, and ho! instead o lea"ing any trace !hich !ould re"eal toil and study, it has on the contrary a mar"ellous cohesion, precision, and brilliancy. 5t !as modelled and remodelled, repaired, touched up, and yet it has all the appearance o ha"ing been created at a single stroke, or o ha"ing been run like molten !a? into its inal orm. +omething should be said here o the sources rom !hich Rabelais borro!ed. (e !as not the irst in France to satiriHe the romances o chi"alry. The romance in "erse by Baudouin de +ebourc, printed in recent years, !as a parody o the Chansons de Geste. 5n the <oniage Guillaume, and especially in the <oniage Rainouart, in !hich there is a kind o giant, and occasionally a comic giant, there are situations and scenes !hich remind us o Rabelais. The kind o Fabliau? in mono$rhyme >uatrains o the old *ubery anticipate his coarse and popular jests. But all that is beside the >uestionE Rabelais did not kno! these. 9othing is o direct interest sa"e

!hat !as kno!n to him, !hat ell under his eyes, !hat lay to his hand$$as the Facetiae o Poggio, and the last sermonnaires. 5n the course o one's reading one may o ten enough come across the origin o some o Rabelais' !itticismsE here and there !e may disco"er ho! he has de"eloped a situation. ;hile gathering his materials !here"er he could ind them, he !as ne"ertheless pro oundly original. 'n this point much research and in"estigation might be employed. But there is no need !hy these researches should be e?tended to the region o ancy. Gargantua has been pro"ed by some to be o Celtic origin. =ery o ten he is a solar myth, and the statement that Rabelais only collected popular traditions and ga"e ne! li e to ancient legends is said to be pro"ed by the large number o megalithic monuments to !hich is attached the name o Gargantua. 5t !as, o course, >uite right to make a list o these, to dra! up, as it !ere, a chart o them, but the conclusion is not justi ied. The name, instead o being earlier, is really later, and is a !itness, not to the origin, but to the success and rapid popularity o his no"el. 9o one has e"er yet produced a !ritten passage or any ancient testimony to pro"e the e?istence o the name be ore Rabelais. To place such a tradition on a sure basis, positi"e traces must be orthcomingE and they cannot be adduced e"en or the most celebrated o these monuments, since he mentions himsel the great menhir near Poitiers, !hich he christened by the name o Passelourdin. That there is something in the theory is possible. Perrault ound the subjects o his stories in the tales told by mothers and nurses. (e i?ed them inally by !riting them do!n. Floating about "aguely as they !ere, he seiHed them, !orked them up, ga"e them shape, and yet o scarcely any o them is there to be ound be ore his time a single trace. +o !e must resign oursel"es to kno! just as little o !hat Gargantua and Pantagruel !ere be ore the si?teenth century. 5n a book o a contemporary o Rabelais, the %egende de Pierre Fai eu by the *nge"in, Charles de Bourdigne, the irst edition o !hich dates rom 3B-A and the second 3BC3$$both so rare and so orgotten that the !ork is only kno!n since the eighteenth century by the reprint o Custelier$$in the introductory ballad !hich recommends this book to readers, occur these lines in the list o popular books !hich Fai eu !ould desire to replace& '%aisseH ester Caillette le olastre, %es >uatre ilH *ymon "estuH de bleu, Gargantua >ui a che"eu? de plastre.' (e has not 'che"eu? de plastre' in Rabelais. 5 the rhyme had not suggested the phrase$$and the e?igencies o the strict orm o the ballade and its orced repetitions o ten imposed an idea !hich had its !hole origin in the rhyme$$!e might here see a dramatic trace ound no!here else. The name o Pantagruel is mentioned too, incidentally, in a <ystery o the i teenth century. These are the only re erences to the names !hich up till no! ha"e been disco"ered, and they are, as one sees, o but little account. 'n the other hand, the in luence o *ristophanes and o %ucian, his intimate ac>uaintance !ith nearly all the !riters o anti>uity, Greek as !ell as %atin, !ith !hom Rabelais is more permeated e"en than <ontaigne, !ere a mine o inspiration. The proo o it is e"ery!here. Pliny especially !as his encyclopaedia, his constant companion. *ll he says o the Pantagruelian herb, though he amply de"eloped it or himsel , is taken rom Pliny's chapter on la?. *nd there is a great deal more o this kind

to be disco"ered, or Rabelais does not al!ays gi"e it as >uotation. 'n the other hand, !hen he !rites, '+uch an one says,' it !ould be di icult enough to ind !ho is meant, or the 'such an one' is a ictitious !riter. The method is amusing, but it is curious to account o it. The >uestion o the Chroni>ue Gargantuaine is still undecided. 5s it by Rabelais or by someone elseK Both theories are de ensible, and can be supported by good reasons. 5n the Chroni>ue e"erything is hea"y, occasionally meaningless, and nearly al!ays insipid. Can the same man ha"e !ritten the Chroni>ue and Gargantua, replaced a book really commonplace by a masterpiece, changed the acts and incidents, trans ormed a hea"y icy pleasantry into a !ork glo!ing !ith !it and li e, made it no longer a mass o laborious tri ling and cold$blooded e?aggerations but a satire on human li e o the highest geniusK +till there are points common to the t!o. Besides, Rabelais !rote other thingsE and it is only in his romance that he sho!s literary skill. The conception o it !ould ha"e entered his mind irst only in a bare and summary ashion. 5t !ould ha"e been taken up again, e?panded, de"eloped, metamorphosed. That is possible, and, or my part, 5 am o those !ho, like Brunet and 9odier, are inclined to think that the Chroni>ue, in spite o its in eriority, is really a irst attempt, condemned as soon as the idea !as concei"ed in another orm. *s its earlier date is incontestable, !e must conclude that i the Chroni>ue is not by him, his Gargantua and its continuation !ould not ha"e e?isted !ithout it. This !ould be a great obligation to stand under to some unkno!n author, and in that case it is astonishing that his enemies did not reproach him during his li etime !ith being merely an imitator and a plagiarist. +o there are reasons or and against his authorship o it, and it !ould be dangerous to make too bold an assertion. 'ne act !hich is absolutely certain and beyond all contro"ersy, is that Rabelais o!ed much to one o his contemporaries, an 5talian, to the (istoire <acaroni>ue o <erlin Coccaie. 5ts author, Theophilus Folengo, !ho !as also a monk, !as born in 3/F3, and died only a short time be ore Rabelais, in 3B//. But his burles>ue poem !as published in 3B3G. 5t !as in %atin "erse, !ritten in an elaborately abricated style. 5t is not dog %atin, but %atin ingeniously italianiHed, or rather 5talian, e"en <antuan, latiniHed. The contrast bet!een the modern orm o the !ord and its Roman garb produces the most amusing e ect. 5n the original it is sometimes di icult to read, or Folengo has no objection to using the most collo>uial !ords and phrases. The subject is >uite di erent. 5t is the ad"entures o Baldo, son o Guy de <ontauban, the "ery li"ely history o his youth, his trial, imprisonment and deli"erance, his journey in search o his ather, during !hich he "isits the Planets and (ell. The narration is constantly interrupted by incidental ad"entures. 'ccasionally they are !hat !ould be called to$day "ery naturalistic, and sometimes they are madly e?tra"agant. But Fracasso, Baldo's riend, is a giantE another riend, Cingar, !ho deli"ers him, is Panurge e?actly, and >uite as much gi"en to practical joking. The !omen in the senile amour o the old TognaHHo, the judges, and the poor sergeants, are no more gently dealt !ith by Folengo than by the monk o the 5les d'(yeres. 5 )indenaut's name does not occur, there are the sheep. The tempest is there, and the in"ocation to all the saints. Rabelais impro"es all he borro!s, but it is rom Folengo he starts. (e does not reproduce the !ords, but, like the 5talian, he re"els in drinking scenes, junkettings, gormandiHing, battles, scu les, !ounds and corpses,

magic, !itches, speeches, repeated enumerations, lengthiness, and a solemnly minute precision o impossible dates and numbers. The atmosphere, the tone, the methods are the same, and to kno! Rabelais !ell, you must kno! Folengo !ell too. )etailed proo o this !ould be too lengthy a matterE one !ould ha"e to >uote too many passages, but on this >uestion o sources nothing is more interesting than a perusal o the 'pus <acaronicorum. 5t !as translated into French only in 3A.A$$Paris, Gilley Robinot. This translation o course cannot reproduce all the many amusing orms o !ords, but it is use ul, ne"ertheless, in sho!ing more clearly the points o resemblance bet!een the t!o !orks,$$ho! ar in orm, ideas, details, and phrases Rabelais !as permeated by Folengo. The anonymous translator sa! this >uite !ell, and said so in his title, '(istoire macaroni>ue de <erlin Coccaie, prototype o Rabelais.' 5t is nothing but the truth, and Rabelais, !ho does not hide it rom himsel , on more than one occasion mentions the name o <erlin Coccaie. Besides, Rabelais !as ed on the 5talians o his time as on the Greeks and Romans. Panurge, !ho o!es much to Cingar, is also not ree rom obligations to the miscreant <argutte in the <organte <aggiore o Pulci. (ad Rabelais in his mind the tale rom the Florentine Chronicles, ho! in the +a"onarola riots, !hen the Piagnoni and the *rrabiati came to blo!s in the church o the )ominican con"ent o +an$<arco, Fra Pietro in the scu le broke the heads o the assailants !ith the bronHe cruci i? he had taken rom the altarK * !ell$handled cross could so readily be used as a !eapon, that probably it has ser"ed as such more than once, and other and e"en >uite modern instances might be >uoted. But other 5talian sources are absolutely certain. There are e! more !onder ul chapters in Rabelais than the one about the drinkers. 5t is not a dialogue& those short e?clamations e?ploding rom e"ery side, all re erring to the same thing, ne"er repeating themsel"es, and yet al!ays "arying the same theme. *t the end o the 9o"elle o Gentile +ermini o +iena, there is a chapter called 5l Giuoco della pugna, the Game o Battle. (ere are the irst lines o it& '*pre, apre, apre. Chi gioca, chi gioca $$uh, uhL$$* Porrione, a Porrione.$$=iela, "ielaE date a ognuno.$$*lle mantella, alle mantella.$$'ltre di corsaE non "i ermate.$$=oltate >uiE ecco costoroE ate "eli innanHi.$$=iela, "ielaE date costi.$$Chi la aK 5o$$1d io.$$)agliE ah, ah, buona u.$$'r cosiE alla mascella, al ianco. $$)agli bassoE di punta, di punta.$$*h, ah, buon gioco, buon gioco.' *nd thus it goes on !ith ire and animation or pages. Rabelais probably translated or directly imitated it. (e changed the sceneE there !as no giuooco della pugna in France. (e trans erred to a drinking$bout this clatter o e?clamations !hich go o by themsel"es, !hich cross each other and get no ans!er. (e made a !onder ul thing o it. But though he did not copy +ermini, yet +ermini's !ork pro"ided him !ith the orm o the subject, and !as the theme or Rabelais' mar"ellous "ariations. ;ho does not remember the antastic >uarrel o the cook !ith the poor de"il !ho had la"oured his dry bread !ith the smoke o the roast, and the judgment o +eyny 7ohn, truly !orthy o +olomonK 5t comes rom the Cento 9o"elle *ntiche, re!ritten rom tales older than Boccaccio, and moreo"er o an e?treme bre"ity and dryness. They are only the rame!ork, the notes, the skeleton o tales. The subject is o ten !onder ul, but nothing is made o it& it is le t unshaped. Rabelais !rote a "ersion o one, the ninth.

The scene takes place, not at Paris, but at *le?andria in 1gypt among the +aracens, and the cook is called Fabrac. But the surprise at the end, the sagacious judgment by !hich the sound o a piece o money !as made the price o the smoke, is the same. 9o! the irst dated edition o the Cento 9o"elle @!hich !ere re>uently reprintedD appeared at Bologna in 3B-B, and it is certain that Rabelais had read the tales. *nd there !ould be much else o the same kind to learn i !e kne! Rabelais' library. * still stranger act o this sort may be gi"en to sho! ho! nothing came amiss to him. (e must ha"e kno!n, and e"en copied the %atin Chronicle o the Counts o *njou. 5t is accepted, and rightly so, as an historical document, but that is no reason or thinking that the truth may not ha"e been manipulated and adorned. The Counts o *njou !ere not saints. They !ere proud, >uarrelsome, "iolent, rapacious, and e?tra"agant, as greedy as they !ere charitable to the Church, treacherous and cruel. #et their anonymous panegyrist has made them patterns o all the "irtues. 5n reality it is both a history and in some sort a romanceE especially is it a collection o e?amples !orthy o being ollo!ed, in the style o the Cyropaedia, our 7u"enal o the i teenth century, and a little like Fenelon's Telema>ue. 9o! in it there occurs the address o one o the counts to those !ho rebelled against him and !ho !ere at his mercy. Rabelais must ha"e kno!n it, or he has copied it, or rather, literally translated !hole lines o it in the !onder ul speech o Gargantua to the "an>uished. (is contemporaries, !ho appro"ed o his borro!ing rom anti>uity, could not detect this one, because the book !as not printed till much later. But Rabelais li"ed in <aine. 5n *njou, !hich o ten igures among the localities he names, he must ha"e met !ith and read the Chronicles o the Counts in manuscript, probably in some monastery library, !hether at Fontenay$le$Comte or else!here it matters little. There is not only a likeness in the ideas and tone, but in the !ords too, !hich cannot be a mere matter o chance. (e must ha"e kno!n the Chronicles o the Counts o *njou, and they inspired one o his inest pages. 'ne sees, there ore, ho! "aried !ere the sources !hence he dre!, and ho! many o them must probably al!ays escape us. ;hen, as has been done or <oliere, a critical bibliography o the !orks relating to Rabelais is dra!n up$$!hich, by the bye, !ill entail a "ery great amount o labour$$the easiest part !ill certainly be the bibliography o the old editions. That is the section that has been most satis actorily and most completely !orked out. <. Brunet said the last !ord on the subject in his Researches in 3,B-, and in the important article in the i th edition o his <anuel du %ibraire @i"., 3,AC, pp. 3.CG$3.G3D. The acts about the i th book cannot be summed up brie ly. 5t !as printed as a !hole at irst, !ithout the name o the place, in 3BA/, and ne?t year at %yons by 7ean <artin. 5t has gi"en, and e"en still gi"es rise to t!o contradictory opinions. 5s it Rabelais' or notK First o all, i he had le t it complete, !ould si?teen years ha"e gone by be ore it !as printedK Then, does it bear e"ident marks o his !orkmanshipK 5s the hand o the master "isible throughoutK *ntoine )u =erdier in the 3A.B edition o his Prosopographie !rites& '@Rabelais'D mis ortune has been that e"erybody has !ished to MpantagrueliHeLM and se"eral books ha"e appeared under his name, and ha"e been added to his !orks, !hich are not by him, as, or instance, l'5le +onnante, !ritten by a certain scholar o =alence and others.'

The scholar o =alence might be Guillaume des *utels, to !hom !ith more certainty can be ascribed the authorship o a dull imitation o Rabelais, the (istory o Fan reluche and Gaudichon, published in 3BG,, !hich, to say the least o it, is "ery much in erior to the i th book. %ouis Guyon, in his )i"erses %econs, is still more positi"e& '*s to the last book !hich has been included in his !orks, entitled l'5le +onnante, the object o !hich seems to be to ind ault !ith and laugh at the members and the authorities o the Catholic Church, 5 protest that he did not compose it, or it !as !ritten long a ter his death. 5 !as at Paris !hen it !as !ritten, and 5 kno! >uite !ell !ho !as its authorE he !as not a doctor.' That is "ery emphatic, and it is impossible to ignore it. #et e"eryone must recogniHe that there is a great deal o Rabelais in the i th book. (e must ha"e planned it and begun it. Remembering that in 3B/, he had published, not as an e?periment, but rather as a bait and as an announcement, the irst ele"en chapters o the ourth book, !e may conclude that the irst si?teen chapters o the i th book published by themsel"es nine years a ter his death, in 3BA-, represent the remainder o his de initely inished !ork. This is the more certain because these irst chapters, !hich contain the *pologue o the (orse and the *ss and the terrible Furred %a!$cats, are markedly better than !hat ollo!s them. They are not the only ones !here the master's hand may be traced, but they are the only ones !here no other hand could possibly ha"e inter ered. 5n the remainder the sentiment is distinctly Protestant. Rabelais !as much struck by the "ices o the clergy and did not spare them. ;hether !e are unable to orgi"e his criticisms because they !ere concei"ed in a spirit o raillery, or !hether, on the other hand, !e eel admiration or him on this point, yet Rabelais !as not in the least a sectary. 5 he strongly desired a moral re orm, indirectly pointing out the need o it in his mocking ashion, he !as not a"ourable to a political re orm. Those !ho !ould make o him a Protestant altogether orget that the Protestants o his time !ere not or him, but against him. (enri 1stienne, or instance, Ramus, Theodore de BeHe, and especially Cal"in, should kno! ho! he !as to be regarded. Rabelais belonged to !hat may be called the early re ormation, to that band o honest men in the beginning o the si?teenth century, precursors o the later one perhaps, but, like 1rasmus, bet!een the t!o e?tremes. (e !as neither %utheran nor Cal"inist, neither German nor Gene"ese, and it is >uite natural that his !ork !as not reprinted in +!itHerland, !hich !ould certainly ha"e happened had the Protestants looked on him as one o themsel"es. That Rabelais collected the materials or the i th book, had begun it, and got on some !ay, there can be no doubt& the e?cellence o a large number o passages pro"e it, but$$taken as a !hole$$the i th book has not the "alue, the "er"e, and the "ariety o the others. The style is >uite di erent, less rich, brie er, less elaborate, drier, in parts e"en !earisome. 5n the irst our books Rabelais seldom repeats himsel . The i th book contains rom the point o "ie! o the "ocabulary really the least no"elty. 'n the contrary, it is ull o !ords and e?pressions already met !ith, !hich is "ery natural in an imitation, in a copy, orced to keep to a similar tone, and to sho! by such reminders and likenesses that it is really by the same pen. * "ery striking point is the pro ound di erence in the use o anatomical terms. 5n the other books they are most re>uently used in a humorous sense, and nonsensically, !ith a >uite other meaning than their o!nE in the i th they are applied correctly. 5t

!as necessary to include such terms to keep up the practice, but the !riter has not thought o using them to add to the comic e ect& one cannot al!ays think o e"erything. Trouble has been taken, o course, to include enumerations, but there are much e!er abricated and antastic !ords. 5n short, the hand o the maker is ar rom sho!ing the same suppleness and strength. * eulogistic >uatrain is signed 9ature >uite, !hich, it is generally agreed, is an anagram o 7ean Tur>uet. )id the adapter o the i th book sign his !ork in this indirect ashionK (e might be o the Gene"ese amily to !hom %ouis Tur>uet and his son Theodore belonged, both !ell$kno!n, and both strong Protestants. The obscurity relating to this matter is ar rom being cleared up, and perhaps ne"er !ill be. 5t ell to my lot$$here, un ortunately, 5 am orced to speak o a personal matter$$to print or the irst time the manuscript o the i th book. *t irst it !as hoped it might be in Rabelais' o!n handE a ter!ards that it might be at least a copy o his un inished !ork. The task !as a di icult one, or the !riting, e?tremely lo!ing and rapid, is e?ecrable, and most di icult to decipher and to transcribe accurately. Besides, it o ten happens in the si?teenth and the end o the i teenth century, that manuscripts are much less correct than the printed "ersions, e"en !hen they ha"e not been copied by clumsy and ignorant hands. 5n this case, it is the !riting o a clerk e?ecuted as >uickly as possible. The arther it goes the more incorrect it becomes, as i the !riter !ere in haste to inish. ;hat is really the origin o itK 5t has less the appearance o notes or ragments prepared by Rabelais than o a irst attempt at re"ision. 5t is not an author's rough dra tE still less is it his manuscript. 5 5 had not printed this enigmatical te?t !ith scrupulous and pain ul idelity, 5 !ould do it no!. 5t !as necessary to do it so as to clear the !ay. But as the thing is done, and accessible to those !ho may be interested, and !ho !ish to critically e?amine it, there is no urther need o reprinting it. *ll the editions o Rabelais continue, and rightly, to reproduce the edition o 3BA/. 5t is not the real Rabelais, but ho!e"er open to criticism it may be, it !as under that orm that the i th book appeared in the si?teenth century, under that orm it !as accepted. Conse>uently it is con"enient and e"en necessary to ollo! and keep to the original edition. The irst si?teen chapters may, and really must be, the te?t o Rabelais, in the inal orm as le t by him, and ound a ter his deathE the rame!ork, and a number o the passages in the continuation, the best ones, o course, are his, but ha"e been patched up and tampered !ith. 9othing can ha"e been suppressed o !hat e?istedE it !as e"idently thought that e"erything should be admitted !ith the inal re"isionE but the tone !as changed, additions !ere made, and 'impro"ements.' *dapters are al!ays strangely "ain. 5n the se"enteenth century, the French printing$press, sa"e or an edition issued at Troyes in 3A3C, ga"e up publishing Rabelais, and the !ork passed to oreign countries. 7ean Fuet reprinted him at *nt!erp in 3A.-. * ter the *msterdam edition o 3ABF, !here or the irst time appears 'The *lphabet o the French *uthor,' comes the 1lHe"ire edition o 3AAC. The type, an imitation o !hat made the reputation o the little "olumes o the Gryphes o %yons, is charming, the printing is per ect, and the paper, !hich is French$$the de"elopment o paper$making in (olland and 1ngland did not take place till a ter the Re"ocation o the 1dict o 9antes$$is e?cellent. They are pretty "olumes to the eye, but, as in all the reprints

o the se"enteenth century, the te?t is ull o aults and most untrust!orthy. France, through a representati"e in a oreign land, ho!e"er, comes into line again in the beginning o the eighteenth century, and in a really serious ashion, thanks to the "ery considerable learning o a French re ugee, 7acob %e )uchat, !ho died in 3G/,. (e had a most thorough kno!ledge o the French prose$!riters o the si?teenth century, and he made them accessible by his editions o the JuinHe 7oies du <ariage, o (enri 1stienne, o *grippa d'*ubigne, o %'1toile, and o the +atyre <enippee. 5n 3G33 he published an edition o Rabelais at *msterdam, through (enry Bordesius, in i"e duodecimo "olumes. The reprint in >uarto !hich he issued in 3G/3, se"en years be ore his death, is, !ith its engra"ings by Bernard Picot, a ine library edition. %e )uchat's is the irst o the critical editions. 5t takes account o di erences in the te?ts, and begins to point out the "ariations. (is "ery numerous notes are remarkable, and are still !orthy o most serious consideration. (e !as the irst to o er use ul elucidations, and these ha"e been repeated a ter him, and !ith good reason !ill continue to be so. The *bbe de <assy's edition o 3GB-, also an *msterdam production, has made use o %e )uchat's but does not take its place. Finally, at the end o the century, CaHin printed Rabelais in his little "olume, in 3G,-, and Bartiers issued t!o editions @o no importanceD at Paris in 3G,- and 3GF,. Fortunately the nineteenth century has occupied itsel !ith the great '+atyri>ue' in a more competent and use ul ashion. 5n 3,-. %'*ulnaye published through )esoer his three little "olumes, printed in e?>uisite style, and !hich ha"e other merits besides. (is "olume o annotations, in !hich, that nothing might be lost o his o!n notes, he has included many things not directly relating to Rabelais, is ull o obser"ations and curious remarks !hich are "ery use ul additions to %e )uchat. 'ne ault to be ound !ith him is his urther complication o the spelling. This he did in accordance !ith a principle that the !ords should be re erred to their real etymology. %earned though he !as, Rabelais had little care to be so etymological, and it is not his theories but those o the modern scholar that ha"e been "entilated. +ome!hat later, rom 3,-C to 3,-A, 1smangart and 7ohanneau issued a "ariorum edition in nine "olumes, in !hich the te?t is o ten encumbered by notes !hich are really too numerous, and, abo"e all, too long. The !ork !as an enormous one, but the best part o it is %e )uchat's, and !hat is not his is too o ten absolutely hypothetical and beside the truth. %e )uchat had already gi"en too much importance to the alse historical e?planation. (ere it is constantly coming in, and it rests on no e"idence. 5n reality, there is no need o the key to Rabelais by !hich to disco"er the meaning o subtle allusions. (e is neither so complicated nor so ull o riddles. ;e kno! ho! he has scattered the names o contemporaries about his !ork, sometimes o riends, sometimes o enemies, and !ithout disguising them under any mask. (e is no more Panurge than %ouis I55. is Gargantua or Francis 5. Pantagruel. Rabelais says !hat he !ants, all he !ants, and in the !ay he !ants. There are no mysteries belo! the sur ace, and it is a !aste o time to look or knots in a bulrush. *ll the historical e?planations are purely imaginary, utterly !ithout proo , and should the more emphatically be looked on as baseless and dismissed. They are radically alse, and there ore both !orthless and harm ul. 5n 3,/. there appeared in the Bibliothe>ue Charpentier the Rabelais in a

single duodecimo "olume, begun by Charles %abiche, and, a ter his death, completed by <. Paul %acroi?, !hose share is the larger. The te?t is that o %'*ulnayeE the short ootnotes, !ith all their bre"ity, contain use ul e?planations o di icult !ords. *mongst the editions o Rabelais this is one o the most important, because it brought him many readers and admirers. 9o other has made him so !ell and so !idely kno!n as this portable "olume, !hich has been constantly reprinted. 9o other has been so !idely circulated, and the sale still goes on. 5t !as, and must still be looked on as a most ser"iceable edition. The edition published by )idot in 3,BG has an altogether special character. 5n the biographical notice <. Rathery or the irst time treated as they deser"e the oolish prejudices !hich ha"e made Rabelais misunderstood, and <. Burgaud des <arets set the te?t on a >uite ne! base. (a"ing pro"ed, !hat o course is "ery e"ident, that in the original editions the spelling, and the language too, !ere o the simplest and clearest, and !ere not bristling !ith the nonsensical and super luous consonants !hich ha"e gi"en rise to the idea that Rabelais is di icult to read, he took the trouble irst o all to note the spelling o each !ord. ;hene"er in a single instance he ound it in accordance !ith modern spelling, he made it the same throughout. The task !as a hard one, and Rabelais certainly gained in clearness, but o"er$Heal is o ten atal to a re orm. 5n respect to its precision and the "alue o its notes, !hich are short and "ery judicious, Burgaud des <arets' edition is "aluable, and is amongst those !hich should be kno!n and taken into account. +ince %e )uchat all the editions ha"e a common ault. They are not e?actly guilty o abricating, but they set up an arti icial te?t in the sense that, in order to lose as little as possible, they ha"e collected and united !hat originally !ere "ariations$$the re"isions, in short, o the original editions. Guided by the !ise counsels gi"en by Brunet in 3,B- in his Researches on the old editions o Rabelais, Pierre 7annet published the irst three books in 3,B,E then, !hen the publication o the Bibliothe>ue 1lHe"irienne !as discontinued, he took up the !ork again and inished the edition in Picard's blue library, in little "olumes, each book >uite distinct. 5t !as <. 7annet !ho in our days irst restored the pure and e?act te?t o Rabelais, not only !ithout retouching it, but !ithout making additions or insertions, or ju?taposition o things that !ere not ormerly ound together. For each o the books he has ollo!ed the last edition issued by Rabelais, and all the earlier di erences he gi"es as "ariations. 5t is astonishing that a thing so simple and so itting should not ha"e been done be ore, and the result is that this absolutely e?act idelity has restored a lucidity !hich !as not !anting in Rabelais's time, but !hich had since been obscured. *ll !ho ha"e come a ter 7annet ha"e ollo!ed in his path, and there is no reason or straying rom it.

FR*9C5+ R*B1%*5+. T(1 F5R+T B'':. To the (onoured, 9oble Translator o Rabelais.

Rabelais, !hose !it prodigiously !as made, *ll men, pro essions, actions to in"ade, ;ith so much urious "igour, as i it (ad li"ed o'er each o them, and each had >uit, #et !ith such happy sleight and careless skill, *s, like the serpent, doth !ith laughter kill, +o that although his noble lea"es appear *ntic and Gottish, and dull souls orbear To turn them o'er, lest they should only ind 9othing but sa"age monsters o a mind,$$ 9o shapen beauteous thoughtsE yet !hen the !ise +eriously strip him o his !ild disguise, <elt do!n his dross, re ine his massy ore, *nd polish that !hich seem'd rough$cast be ore, +earch his deep sense, un"eil his hidden mirth, *nd make that iery !hich be ore seem'd earth @Con>uering those things o highest conse>uence, ;hat's di icult o language or o senseD, (e !ill appear some noble table !rit 5n the old 1gyptian hieroglyphic !itE ;here, though you monsters and grotescoes see, #ou meet all mysteries o philosophy. For he !as !ise and so"ereignly bred To kno! !hat mankind is, ho! 't may be led& (e stoop'd unto them, like that !ise man, !ho Rid on a stick, !hen 's children !ould do so. For !e are easy sullen things, and must Be laugh'd aright, and cheated into trustE ;hilst a black piece o phlegm, that lays about )ull menaces, and terri ies the rout, *nd cajoles it, !ith all its pee"ish strength Piteously stretch'd and botch'd up into length, ;hilst the tired rabble sleepily obey +uch opiate talk, and snore a!ay the day, By all his noise as much their minds relie"es, *s cater!auling o !ild cats rights thie"es. But Rabelais !as another thing, a man <ade up o all that art and nature can Form rom a iery genius,$$he !as one ;hose soul so uni"ersally !as thro!n Through all the arts o li e, !ho understood 1ach stratagem by !hich !e stray rom goodE +o that he best might solid "irtue teach, *s some 'gainst sins o their o!n bosoms preach& (e rom !ise choice did the true means pre er, 5n the ool's coat acting th' philosopher. Thus hoary *esop's beasts did mildly tame Fierce man, and moraliHe him into shameE Thus bra"e romances, !hile they seem to lay Great trains o lust, platonic lo"e displayE Thus !ould old +parta, i a seldom chance +ho!'d a drunk sla"e, teach children temperanceE Thus did the later poets nobly bring The scene to height, making the ool the king. *nd, noble sir, you "igorously ha"e trod 5n this hard path, unkno!n, un$understood By its o!n countrymen, 'tis you appear

'ur ull enjoyment !hich !as our despair, +cattering his mists, cheering his cynic ro!ns @For radiant brightness no! dark Rabelais cro!nsD, %ea"ing your bra"e heroic cares, !hich must <ake better mankind and embalm your dust, +o undecei"ing us, that no! !e see *ll !it in Gascon and in Cromarty, Besides that Rabelais is con"ey'd to us, *nd that our +cotland is not barbarous. 7. )e la +alle.

Rablophila. The First )ecade. The Commendation. <usaL canas nostrorum in testimonium *morum, 1t Gargantueas perpetuato aces, 8t>ue homini tali resultet nobilis 1ccho& Juic>uid Fama canit, Pantagruelis erit. The *rgument. (ere 5 intend mysteriously to sing ;ith a pen pluck'd rom Fame's o!n !ing, ' Gargantua that learn'd breech$!iping king. )ecade the First. 5. (elp me, propitious starsE a mighty blaHe Benumbs meL 5 must sound the praise ' him hath turn'd this crabbed !ork in such heroic phrase. 55. ;hat !it !ould not court martyrdom to hold 8pon his head a laurel o gold, ;here or each rich conceit a Pumpion$pearl is told& 555. *nd such a one is this, art's masterpiece, * thing ne'er e>uall'd by old Greece& * thing ne'er match'd as yet, a real Golden Fleece. 5=. =ice is a soldier ights against mankindE ;hich you may look but ne"er ind& For 'tis an en"ious thing, !ith cunning interlined.

=. *nd thus he rails at drinking all be ore 'em, *nd or le!d !omen does be$!hore 'em, *nd brings their painted aces and black patches to th' >uorum. =5. To drink he !as a urious enemy Contented !ith a si?$penny$$ @!ith diamond hatband, sil"er spurs, si? horses.D pie$$ =55. *nd or tobacco's pate$rotunding smoke, <uch had he said, and much more spoke, But 't!as not then ound out, so the design !as broke. =555. <useL FancyL FaithL come no! arise aloud, *ssembled in a blue$"ein'd cloud, *nd this tall in ant in angelic arms no! shroud. 5I. To praise it urther 5 !ould no! begin ;ere 't no! a thorough are and inn, 5t harbours "ice, though 't be to catch it in a gin. I. There ore, my <use, dra! up thy lo!ing sail, *nd acclamate a gentle hail ;ith all thy art and metaphors, !hich must pre"ail. 7am prima 'ceani pars est praeterita nostri. 5mparibus restat danda secunda modis. Juam si praestiterit mentem )aemon malus addam, Cum sapiens totus prodierit Rabelais. <ale"olus.

@Reader, the 1rrata, !hich in this book are not a e!, are casually lostE and there ore the Translator, not ha"ing leisure to collect them again, cra"es thy pardon or such as thou may'st meet !ith.D

The *uthor's Prologue to the First Book. <ost noble and illustrious drinkers, and you thrice precious pocki ied blades @ or to you, and none else, do 5 dedicate my !ritingsD, *lcibiades, in that dialogue o Plato's, !hich is entitled The Ban>uet, !hilst he !as setting orth the praises o his schoolmaster +ocrates @!ithout all

>uestion the prince o philosophersD, amongst other discourses to that purpose, said that he resembled the +ilenes. +ilenes o old !ere little bo?es, like those !e no! may see in the shops o apothecaries, painted on the outside !ith !anton toyish igures, as harpies, satyrs, bridled geese, horned hares, saddled ducks, lying goats, thiller harts, and other such$like counter eited pictures at discretion, to e?cite people unto laughter, as +ilenus himsel , !ho !as the oster$ ather o good Bacchus, !as !ont to doE but !ithin those capricious caskets !ere care ully preser"ed and kept many rich je!els and ine drugs, such as balm, ambergris, amomon, musk, ci"et, !ith se"eral kinds o precious stones, and other things o great price. 7ust such another thing !as +ocrates. For to ha"e eyed his outside, and esteemed o him by his e?terior appearance, you !ould not ha"e gi"en the peel o an onion or him, so de ormed he !as in body, and ridiculous in his gesture. (e had a sharp pointed nose, !ith the look o a bull, and countenance o a ool& he !as in his carriage simple, boorish in his apparel, in ortune poor, unhappy in his !i"es, un it or all o ices in the common!ealth, al!ays laughing, tippling, and merrily carousing to e"eryone, !ith continual gibes and jeers, the better by those means to conceal his di"ine kno!ledge. 9o!, opening this bo? you !ould ha"e ound !ithin it a hea"enly and inestimable drug, a more than human understanding, an admirable "irtue, matchless learning, in"incible courage, unimitable sobriety, certain contentment o mind, per ect assurance, and an incredible misregard o all that or !hich men commonly do so much !atch, run, sail, ight, tra"el, toil and turmoil themsel"es. ;hereunto @in your opinionD doth this little lourish o a preamble tendK For so much as you, my good disciples, and some other jolly ools o ease and leisure, reading the pleasant titles o some books o our in"ention, as Gargantua, Pantagruel, ;hippot @Fessepinte.D, the )ignity o Codpieces, o Pease and Bacon !ith a Commentary, Nc., are too ready to judge that there is nothing in them but jests, mockeries, lasci"ious discourse, and recreati"e liesE because the outside @!hich is the titleD is usually, !ithout any arther in>uiry, entertained !ith sco ing and derision. But truly it is "ery unbeseeming to make so slight account o the !orks o men, seeing yoursel"es a"ouch that it is not the habit makes the monk, many being monasterially accoutred, !ho in!ardly are nothing less than monachal, and that there are o those that !ear +panish capes, !ho ha"e but little o the "alour o +paniards in them. There ore is it, that you must open the book, and seriously consider o the matter treated in it. Then shall you ind that it containeth things o ar higher "alue than the bo? did promiseE that is to say, that the subject thereo is not so oolish as by the title at the irst sight it !ould appear to be. *nd put the case, that in the literal sense you meet !ith purposes merry and solacious enough, and conse>uently "ery correspondent to their inscriptions, yet must not you stop there as at the melody o the charming syrens, but endea"our to interpret that in a sublimer sense !hich possibly you intended to ha"e spoken in the jollity o your heart. )id you e"er pick the lock o a cupboard to steal a bottle o !ine out o itK Tell me truly, and, i you did, call to mind the countenance !hich then you had. 'r, did you e"er see a dog !ith a marro!bone in his mouth,$$the beast o all other, says Plato, lib. -, de Republica, the most philosophicalK 5 you ha"e seen him, you might ha"e remarked !ith !hat de"otion and circumspectness he !ards and !atcheth it& !ith !hat care he keeps it& ho! er"ently he holds it& ho! prudently he gobbets it& !ith !hat a ection he breaks it& and !ith !hat diligence he sucks it. To !hat end all thisK ;hat mo"eth him to take all these painsK ;hat are the hopes o his labourK

;hat doth he e?pect to reap therebyK 9othing but a little marro!. True it is, that this little is more sa"oury and delicious than the great >uantities o other sorts o meat, because the marro! @as Galen testi ieth, B. acult. nat. N 33. de usu partiumD is a nourishment most per ectly elaboured by nature. 5n imitation o this dog, it becomes you to be !ise, to smell, eel and ha"e in estimation these air goodly books, stu ed !ith high conceptions, !hich, though seemingly easy in the pursuit, are in the cope and encounter some!hat di icult. *nd then, like him, you must, by a sedulous lecture, and re>uent meditation, break the bone, and suck out the marro!,$$that is, my allegorical sense, or the things 5 to mysel propose to be signi ied by these Pythagorical symbols, !ith assured hope, that in so doing you !ill at last attain to be both !ell$ad"ised and "aliant by the reading o them& or in the perusal o this treatise you shall ind another kind o taste, and a doctrine o a more pro ound and abstruse consideration, !hich !ill disclose unto you the most glorious sacraments and dread ul mysteries, as !ell in !hat concerneth your religion, as matters o the public state, and li e economical. )o you belie"e, upon your conscience, that (omer, !hilst he !as a$couching his 5liads and 'dysses, had any thought upon those allegories, !hich Plutarch, (eraclides Ponticus, 1ustathius, Cornutus s>ueeHed out o him, and !hich Politian ilched again rom themK 5 you trust it, !ith neither hand nor oot do you come near to my opinion, !hich judgeth them to ha"e been as little dreamed o by (omer, as the Gospel sacraments !ere by '"id in his <etamorphoses, though a certain gulligut riar @Frere %ubin cro>uelardon.D and true bacon$picker !ould ha"e undertaken to pro"e it, i perhaps he had met !ith as "ery ools as himsel , @and as the pro"erb saysD a lid !orthy o such a kettle. 5 you gi"e no credit thereto, !hy do not you the same in these jo"ial ne! chronicles o mineK *lbeit !hen 5 did dictate them, 5 thought upon no more than you, !ho possibly !ere drinking the !hilst as 5 !as. For in the composing o this lordly book, 5 ne"er lost nor besto!ed any more, nor any other time than !hat !as appointed to ser"e me or taking o my bodily re ection, that is, !hilst 5 !as eating and drinking. *nd indeed that is the ittest and most proper hour !herein to !rite these high matters and deep sciences& as (omer kne! "ery !ell, the paragon o all philologues, and 1nnius, the ather o the %atin poets, as (orace calls him, although a certain sneaking jobernol alleged that his "erses smelled more o the !ine than oil. +o saith a turlupin or a ne! start$up grub o my books, but a turd or him. The ragrant odour o the !ine, ' ho! much more dainty, pleasant, laughing @Riant, priant, riant.D, celestial and delicious it is, than that smell o oilL *nd 5 !ill glory as much !hen it is said o me, that 5 ha"e spent more on !ine than oil, as did )emosthenes, !hen it !as told him, that his e?pense on oil !as greater than on !ine. 5 truly hold it or an honour and praise to be called and reputed a Frolic Gualter and a Robin Good ello!E or under this name am 5 !elcome in all choice companies o Pantagruelists. 5t !as upbraided to )emosthenes by an en"ious surly kna"e, that his 'rations did smell like the sarpler or !rapper o a oul and ilthy oil$"essel. For this cause interpret you all my deeds and sayings in the per ectest senseE re"erence the cheese$like brain that eeds you !ith these air bille"eHees and tri ling jollities, and do !hat lies in you to keep me al!ays merry. Be rolic no!, my lads, cheer up your hearts, and joy ully

read the rest, !ith all the ease o your body and pro it o your reins. But hearken, joltheads, you "iedaHes, or dickens take ye, remember to drink a health to me or the like a"our again, and 5 !ill pledge you instantly, Tout ares$metys.

Rabelais to the Reader. Good riends, my Readers, !ho peruse this Book, Be not o ended, !hilst on it you look& )enude yoursel"es o all depra"ed a ection, For it contains no badness, nor in ection& 'Tis true that it brings orth to you no birth ' any "alue, but in point o mirthE Thinking there ore ho! sorro! might your mind Consume, 5 could no apter subject indE 'ne inch o joy surmounts o grie a spanE Because to laugh is proper to the man.

Chapter 3.5. ' the Genealogy and *nti>uity o Gargantua. 5 must re er you to the great chronicle o Pantagruel or the kno!ledge o that genealogy and anti>uity o race by !hich Gargantua is come unto us. 5n it you may understand more at large ho! the giants !ere born in this !orld, and ho! rom them by a direct line issued Gargantua, the ather o Pantagruel& and do not take it ill, i or this time 5 pass by it, although the subject be such, that the o tener it !ere remembered, the more it !ould please your !orship ul +enioriasE according to !hich you ha"e the authority o Plato in Philebo and GorgiasE and o Flaccus, !ho says that there are some kinds o purposes @such as these are !ithout doubtD, !hich, the re>uentlier they be repeated, still pro"e the more delectable. ;ould to God e"eryone had as certain kno!ledge o his genealogy since the time o the ark o 9oah until this age. 5 think many are at this day emperors, kings, dukes, princes, and popes on the earth, !hose e?traction is rom some porters and pardon$pedlarsE as, on the contrary, many are no! poor !andering beggars, !retched and miserable, !ho are descended o the blood and lineage o great kings and emperors, occasioned, as 5 concei"e it, by the transport and re"olution o kingdoms and empires, rom the *ssyrians to the <edes, rom the <edes to the Persians, rom the Persians to the <acedonians, rom the <acedonians to the Romans, rom the Romans to the Greeks, rom the Greeks to the French. *nd to gi"e you some hint concerning mysel , !ho speaks unto you, 5 cannot think but 5 am come o the race o some rich king or prince in ormer timesE or ne"er yet sa! you any man that had a greater desire to be a king, and to be rich, than 5 ha"e, and that only that 5 may make good cheer, do nothing, nor care or anything, and plenti ully enrich my riends, and all honest and learned men. But herein do 5 com ort mysel , that in the other !orld 5 shall be so, yea and greater too than at this present 5 dare !ish. *s or you, !ith the same or a better conceit consolate yoursel"es in your distresses, and drink resh i you can come by

it. To return to our !ethers, 5 say that by the so"ereign gi t o hea"en, the anti>uity and genealogy o Gargantua hath been reser"ed or our use more ull and per ect than any other e?cept that o the <essias, !hereo 5 mean not to speakE or it belongs not unto my purpose, and the de"ils, that is to say, the alse accusers and dissembled gospellers, !ill therein oppose me. This genealogy !as ound by 7ohn *ndre! in a meado!, !hich he had near the pole$arch, under the oli"e$tree, as you go to 9arsay& !here, as he !as making cast up some ditches, the diggers !ith their mattocks struck against a great braHen tomb, and unmeasurably long, or they could ne"er ind the end thereo , by reason that it entered too ar !ithin the sluices o =ienne. 'pening this tomb in a certain place thereo , sealed on the top !ith the mark o a goblet, about !hich !as !ritten in 1trurian letters (ic Bibitur, they ound nine lagons set in such order as they use to rank their kyles in Gascony, o !hich that !hich !as placed in the middle had under it a big, at, great, grey, pretty, small, mouldy, little pamphlet, smelling stronger, but no better than roses. 5n that book the said genealogy !as ound !ritten all at length, in a chancery hand, not in paper, not in parchment, nor in !a?, but in the bark o an elm$tree, yet so !orn !ith the long tract o time, that hardly could three letters together be there per ectly discerned. 5 @though un!orthyD !as sent or thither, and !ith much help o those spectacles, !hereby the art o reading dim !ritings, and letters that do not clearly appear to the sight, is practised, as *ristotle teacheth it, did translate the book as you may see in your PantagrueliHing, that is to say, in drinking sti ly to your o!n heart's desire, and reading the dread ul and horri ic acts o Pantagruel. *t the end o the book there !as a little treatise entitled the *ntidoted Fan reluches, or a Galimatia o e?tra"agant conceits. The rats and moths, or @that 5 may not lieD other !icked beasts, had nibbled o the beginning& the rest 5 ha"e hereto subjoined, or the re"erence 5 bear to anti>uity.

Chapter 3.55. The *ntidoted Fan reluches& or, a Galimatia o e?tra"agant Conceits ound in an ancient <onument. 9o sooner did the Cymbrians' o"ercomer Pass through the air to shun the de! o summer, But at his coming straight great tubs !ere ill'd, ;ith pure resh butter do!n in sho!ers distill'd& ;here!ith !hen !ater'd !as his grandam, (ey, *loud he cried, Fish it, sir, 5 pray y'E Because his beard is almost all beray'dE 'r, that he !ould hold to 'm a scale, he pray'd. To lick his slipper, some told !as much better, Than to gain pardons, and the merit greater. 5n th' interim a cra ty chu approaches, From the depth issued, !here they ish or roachesE ;ho said, Good sirs, some o them let us sa"e, The eel is here, and in this hollo! ca"e #ou'll ind, i that our looks on it demur,

* great !aste in the bottom o his ur. To read this chapter !hen he did begin, 9othing but a cal 's horns !ere ound thereinE 5 eel, >uoth he, the mitre !hich doth hold <y head so chill, it makes my brains take cold. Being !ith the per ume o a turnip !arm'd, To stay by chimney hearths himsel he arm'd, Pro"ided that a ne! thill$horse they made ' e"ery person o a hair$brain'd head. They talked o the bunghole o +aint :no!les, ' Gilbathar and thousand other holes, 5 they might be reduced t' a scarry stu , +uch as might not be subject to the cough& +ince e"'ry man unseemly did it ind, To see them gaping thus at e"'ry !ind& For, i perhaps they handsomely !ere closed, For pledges they to men might be e?posed. 5n this arrest by (ercules the ra"en ;as layed at her @hisD return rom %ybia ha"en. ;hy am not 5, said <inos, there in"itedK 8nless it be mysel , not one's omitted& *nd then it is their mind, 5 do no more ' rogs and oysters send them any store& 5n case they spare my li e and pro"e but ci"il, 5 gi"e their sale o dista s to the de"il. To >uell him comes J.B., !ho limping rets *t the sa e pass o tricksy crackarets& The boulter, the grand Cyclops' cousin, those )id massacre, !hilst each one !iped his nose& Fe! ingles in this allo! ground are bred, But on a tanner's mill are !inno!ed. Run thither all o you, th' alarms sound clear, #ou shall ha"e more than you had the last year. +hort !hile therea ter !as the bird o 7o"e Resol"ed to speak, though dismal it should pro"eE #et !as a raid, !hen he sa! them in ire, They should o'erthro! >uite lat do!n dead th' empire. (e rather choosed the ire rom hea"en to steal, To boats !here !ere red herrings put to saleE Than to be calm 'gainst those, !ho stri"e to bra"e us, *nd to the <assorets' ond !ords ensla"e us. *ll this at last concluded gallantly, 5n spite o *te and her hern$like thigh, ;ho, sitting, sa! Penthesilea ta'en, 5n her old age, or a cress$selling >uean. 1ach one cried out, Thou ilthy collier toad, )oth it become thee to be ound abroadK Thou hast the Roman standard ilch'd a!ay, ;hich they in rags o parchment did display. 7uno !as born, !ho, under the rainbo!,

;as a$bird$catching !ith her duck belo!& ;hen her !ith such a grie"ous trick they plied That she had almost been beth!acked by it. The bargain !as, that, o that throat ul, she +hould o Proserpina ha"e t!o eggs reeE *nd i that she therea ter should be ound, +he to a ha!thorn hill should be ast bound. +e"en months therea ter, lacking t!enty$t!o, (e, that o old did Carthage to!n undo, )id bra"ely midst them all himsel ad"ance, Re>uiring o them his inheritanceE *lthough they justly made up the di"ision, *ccording to the shoe$!elt$la!'s decision, By distributing store o bre!s and bee To these poor ello!s that did pen the brie . But th' year !ill come, sign o a Turkish bo!, Fi"e spindles yarn'd, and three pot$bottoms too, ;herein o a discourteous king the dock +hall pepper'd be under an hermit's rock. *hL that or one she hypocrite you must Permit so many acres to be lostL Cease, cease, this "iHard may become another, ;ithdra! yoursel"es unto the serpent's brother. 'Tis in times past, that he !ho is shall reign ;ith his good riends in peace no! and again. 9o rash nor heady prince shall then rule cra"e, 1ach good !ill its arbitrement shall ha"eE *nd the joy, promised o old as doom To the hea"en's guests, shall in its beacon come. Then shall the breeding mares, that benumb'd !ere, %ike royal pal reys ride triumphant there. *nd this continue shall rom time to time, Till <ars be etter'd or an unkno!n crimeE Then shall one come, !ho others !ill surpass, )elight ul, pleasing, matchless, ull o grace. Cheer up your hearts, approach to this repast, *ll trusty riends o mineE or he's deceased, ;ho !ould not or a !orld return again, +o highly shall time past be cried up then. (e !ho !as made o !a? shall lodge each member Close by the hinges o a block o timber. ;e then no more shall <aster, master, !hoot, The s!agger, !ho th' alarum bell holds outE Could one seiHe on the dagger !hich he bears, (eads !ould be ree rom tingling in the ears, To ba le the !hole storehouse o abuses. The thus are!ell *pollo and the <uses.

Chapter 3.555.

(o! Gargantua !as carried ele"en months in his mother's belly. Grangousier !as a good ello! in his time, and notable jesterE he lo"ed to drink neat, as much as any man that then !as in the !orld, and !ould !illingly eat salt meat. To this intent he !as ordinarily !ell urnished !ith gammons o bacon, both o ;estphalia, <ayence and Bayonne, !ith store o dried neat's tongues, plenty o links, chitterlings and puddings in their seasonE together !ith salt bee and mustard, a good deal o hard roes o po!dered mullet called botargos, great pro"ision o sausages, not o Bolonia @ or he eared the %ombard BocconeD, but o Bigorre, %ongaulnay, Brene, and Rouargue. 5n the "igour o his age he married Gargamelle, daughter to the :ing o the Parpaillons, a jolly pug, and !ell$mouthed !ench. These t!o did o tentimes do the t!o$backed beast together, joy ully rubbing and rotting their bacon 'gainst one another, in so ar, that at last she became great !ith child o a air son, and !ent !ith him unto the ele"enth monthE or so long, yea longer, may a !oman carry her great belly, especially !hen it is some masterpiece o nature, and a person predestinated to the per ormance, in his due time, o great e?ploits. *s (omer says, that the child, !hich 9eptune begot upon the nymph, !as born a !hole year a ter the conception, that is, in the t!el th month. For, as *ulus Gellius saith, lib. C, this long time !as suitable to the majesty o 9eptune, that in it the child might recei"e his per ect orm. For the like reason 7upiter made the night, !herein he lay !ith *lcmena, last orty$eight hours, a shorter time not being su icient or the orging o (ercules, !ho cleansed the !orld o the monsters and tyrants !here!ith it !as suppressed. <y masters, the ancient Pantagruelists, ha"e con irmed that !hich 5 say, and !ithal declared it to be not only possible, but also maintained the la! ul birth and legitimation o the in ant born o a !oman in the ele"enth month a ter the decease o her husband. (ypocrates, lib. de alimento. Plinius, lib. G, cap. B. Plautus, in his Cistelleria. <arcus =arro, in his satire inscribed The Testament, alleging to this purpose the authority o *ristotle. Censorinus, lib. de die natali. *rist. lib. G, cap. C N /, de natura animalium. Gellius, lib. C, cap. 3A. +er"ius, in his e?position upon this "erse o =irgil's eclogues, <atri longa decem, Nc., and a thousand other ools, !hose number hath been increased by the la!yers . de suis, et legit l. intestato. paragrapho. in. and in *uth. de restitut. et ea >uae parit in ?i mense. <oreo"er upon these grounds they ha"e oisted in their Robidilardic, or %apituroli"e la!. Gallus . de lib. et posth. l. sept. . de stat. hom., and some other la!s, !hich at this time 5 dare not name. By means !hereo the honest !ido!s may !ithout danger play at the close buttock game !ith might and main, and as hard as they can, or the space o the irst t!o months a ter the decease o their husbands. 5 pray you, my good lusty springal lads, i you ind any o these emales, that are !orth the pains o untying the codpiece$point, get up, ride upon them, and bring them to meE or, i they happen !ithin the third month to concei"e, the child should be heir to the deceased, i , be ore he died, he had no other children, and the mother shall pass or an honest !oman. ;hen she is kno!n to ha"e concei"ed, thrust or!ard boldly, spare her not, !hate"er betide you, seeing the paunch is ull. *s 7ulia, the daughter o the 1mperor 'cta"ian, ne"er prostituted hersel to her belly$bumpers, but !hen she ound hersel !ith child, a ter the manner o ships, that recei"e not their steersman till they ha"e their ballast and lading. *nd i any blame them or this their rataconniculation, and reiterated lechery upon their pregnancy and big$belliedness, seeing beasts, in the like e?igent o their ulness, !ill ne"er su er the male$masculant to encroach them, their

ans!er !ill be, that those are beasts, but they are !omen, "ery !ell skilled in the pretty "ales and small ees o the pleasant trade and mysteries o super etation& as Populia hereto ore ans!ered, according to the relation o <acrobius, lib. -. +aturnal. 5 the de"il !ill not ha"e them to bag, he must !ring hard the spigot, and stop the bung$hole.

Chapter 3.5=. (o! Gargamelle, being great !ith Gargantua, did eat a huge deal o tripes. The occasion and manner ho! Gargamelle !as brought to bed, and deli"ered o her child, !as thus& and, i you do not belie"e it, 5 !ish your bum$gut all out and make an escapade. (er bum$gut, indeed, or undament escaped her in an a ternoon, on the third day o February, !ith ha"ing eaten at dinner too many godebillios. Godebillios are the at tripes o coiros. Coiros are bee"es attened at the cratch in o?$stalls, or in the resh guimo meado!s. Guimo meado!s are those that or their ruit ulness may be mo!ed t!ice a year. ' those at bee"es they had killed three hundred si?ty$se"en thousand and ourteen, to be salted at +hro"etide, that in the entering o the spring they might ha"e plenty o po!dered bee , !here!ith to season their mouths at the beginning o their meals, and to taste their !ine the better. They had abundance o tripes, as you ha"e heard, and they !ere so delicious, that e"eryone licked his ingers. But the mischie !as this, that, or all men could do, there !as no possibility to keep them long in that relishE or in a "ery short !hile they !ould ha"e stunk, !hich had been an undecent thing. 5t !as there ore concluded, that they should be all o them gulched up, !ithout losing anything. To this e ect they in"ited all the burghers o +ainais, o +uille, o the Roche$Clermaud, o =augaudry, !ithout omitting the Coudray, <onpensier, the Gue de =ede, and other their neighbours, all sti drinkers, bra"e ello!s, and good players at the kyles. The good man Grangousier took great pleasure in their company, and commanded there should be no !ant nor pinching or anything. 9e"ertheless he bade his !i e eat sparingly, because she !as near her time, and that these tripes !ere no "ery commendable meat. They !ould ain, said he, be at the che!ing o ordure, that !ould eat the case !herein it !as. 9ot!ithstanding these admonitions, she did eat si?teen >uarters, t!o bushels, three pecks and a pipkin ull. ' the air ecality !here!ith she s!elled, by the ingrediency o such shitten stu L * ter dinner they all !ent out in a hurl to the gro"e o the !illo!s, !here, on the green grass, to the sound o the merry lutes and pleasant bagpipes, they danced so gallantly, that it !as a s!eet and hea"enly sport to see them so rolic.

Chapter 3.=. The )iscourse o the )rinkers. Then did they all upon the chat o "ictuals and some belly urniture to be snatched at in the "ery same place. ;hich purpose !as no sooner mentioned, but orth!ith began lagons to go, gammons to trot, goblets to ly, great

bo!ls to ting, glasses to ring. )ra!, reach, ill, mi?, gi"e it me !ithout !ater. +o, my riend, so, !hip me o this glass neatly, bring me hither some claret, a ull !eeping glass till it run o"er. * cessation and truce !ith thirst. (a, thou alse e"er, !ilt thou not be goneK By my iggins, godmother, 5 cannot as yet enter in the humour o being merry, nor drink so currently as 5 !ould. #ou ha"e catched a cold, gammerK #ea, orsooth, sir. By the belly o +anct Bu , let us talk o our drink& 5 ne"er drink but at my hours, like the Pope's mule. *nd 5 ne"er drink but in my bre"iary, like a air ather guardian. ;hich !as irst, thirst or drinkingK Thirst, or !ho in the time o innocence !ould ha"e drunk !ithout being athirstK 9ay, sir, it !as drinkingE or pri"atio praesupponit habitum. 5 am learned, you see& Foecundi calices >uem non ecere disertumK ;e poor innocents drink but too much !ithout thirst. 9ot 5 truly, !ho am a sinner, or 5 ne"er drink !ithout thirst, either present or uture. To pre"ent it, as you kno!, 5 drink or the thirst to come. 5 drink eternally. This is to me an eternity o drinking, and drinking o eternity. %et us sing, let us drink, and tune up our roundelays. ;here is my unnelK ;hat, it seems 5 do not drink but by an attorneyK )o you !et yoursel"es to dry, or do you dry to !et youK Pish, 5 understand not the rhetoric @theoric, 5 should sayD, but 5 help mysel some!hat by the practice. BasteL enoughL 5 sup, 5 !et, 5 humect, 5 moisten my gullet, 5 drink, and all or ear o dying. )rink al!ays and you shall ne"er die. 5 5 drink not, 5 am a$ground, dry, gra"elled and spent. 5 am stark dead !ithout drink, and my soul ready to ly into some marsh amongst rogsE the soul ne"er d!ells in a dry place, drouth kills it. ' you butlers, creators o ne! orms, make me o no drinker a drinker, a perennity and e"erlastingness o sprinkling and bede!ing me through these my parched and sine!y bo!els. (e drinks in "ain that eels not the pleasure o it. This entereth into my "eins,$$the pissing tools and urinal "essels shall ha"e nothing o it. 5 !ould !illingly !ash the tripes o the cal !hich 5 apparelled this morning. 5 ha"e pretty !ell no! ballasted my stomach and stu ed my paunch. 5 the papers o my bonds and bills could drink as !ell as 5 do, my creditors !ould not !ant or !ine !hen they come to see me, or !hen they are to make any ormal e?hibition o their rights to !hat o me they can demand. This hand o yours spoils your nose. ' ho! many other such !ill enter here be ore this go outL ;hat, drink so shallo!K 5t is enough to break both girds and petrel. This is called a cup o dissimulation, or lagonal hypocrisy. ;hat di erence is there bet!een a bottle and a lagon. Great di erenceE or the bottle is stopped and shut up !ith a stopple, but the lagon !ith a "ice @%a bouteille est ermee a bouchon, et le laccon a "is.D. Bra"ely and !ell played upon the !ordsL 'ur athers drank lustily, and emptied their cans. ;ell cacked, !ell sungL Come, let us drink& !ill you send nothing to the ri"erK (ere is one going to !ash the tripes. 5 drink no more than a sponge. 5 drink like a Templar knight. *nd 5, tan>uam sponsus. *nd 5, sicut terra sine a>ua. Gi"e me a synonymon or a gammon o bacon. 5t is the compulsory o drinkers& it is a pulley. By a pulley$rope !ine is let do!n into a cellar, and by a gammon into the stomach. (eyL no!, boys, hither, some drink, some drink. There is no trouble in it. Respice personam, pone pro duos, bus non est in usu. 5 5 could get up as !ell as 5 can s!allo! do!n, 5 had been long ere no! "ery high in the air. Thus became Tom Tosspot rich,$$thus !ent in the tailor's stitch. Thus did Bacchus con>uer th' 5nde$$thus Philosophy, <elinde. * little rain allays a great deal o !ind& long tippling breaks the thunder. But i there came

such li>uor rom my ballock, !ould you not !illingly therea ter suck the udder !hence it issuedK (ere, page, illL 5 prithee, orget me not !hen it comes to my turn, and 5 !ill enter the election 5 ha"e made o thee into the "ery register o my heart. +up, Guillot, and spare not, there is some!hat in the pot. 5 appeal rom thirst, and disclaim its jurisdiction. Page, sue out my appeal in orm. This remnant in the bottom o the glass must ollo! its leader. 5 !as !ont hereto ore to drink out all, but no! 5 lea"e nothing. %et us not make too much hasteE it is re>uisite !e carry all along !ith us. (eyday, here are tripes it or our sport, and, in earnest, e?cellent godebillios o the dun o? @you kno!D !ith the black streak. ', or God's sake, let us lash them soundly, yet thri tily. )rink, or 5 !ill,$$9o, no, drink, 5 beseech you @'u je "ous, je "ous prie.D. +parro!s !ill not eat unless you bob them on the tail, nor can 5 drink i 5 be not airly spoke to. The conca"ities o my body are like another (ell or their capacity. %agonaedatera @lagon lateris ca"itas& aides orcus& and eteros alter.D. There is not a corner, nor coney$burro! in all my body, !here this !ine doth not erret out my thirst. (o, this !ill bang it soundly. But this shall banish it utterly. %et us !ind our horns by the sound o lagons and bottles, and cry aloud, that !hoe"er hath lost his thirst come not hither to seek it. %ong clysters o drinking are to be "oided !ithout doors. The great God made the planets, and !e make the platters neat. 5 ha"e the !ord o the gospel in my mouth, +itio. The stone called asbestos is not more un>uenchable than the thirst o my paternity. *ppetite comes !ith eating, says *ngeston, but the thirst goes a!ay !ith drinking. 5 ha"e a remedy against thirst, >uite contrary to that !hich is good against the biting o a mad dog. :eep running a ter a dog, and he !ill ne"er bite youE drink al!ays be ore the thirst, and it !ill ne"er come upon you. There 5 catch you, 5 a!ake you. *rgus had a hundred eyes or his sight, a butler should ha"e @like BriareusD a hundred hands !here!ith to ill us !ine inde atigably. (ey no!, lads, let us moisten oursel"es, it !ill be time to dry herea ter. ;hite !ine here, !ine, boysL Pour out all in the name o %uci er, ill here, you, ill and ill @peascods on youD till it be ull. <y tongue peels. %ans trin>ueE to thee, countryman, 5 drink to thee, good ello!, comrade to thee, lusty, li"elyL (a, la, la, that !as drunk to some purpose, and bra"ely gulped o"er. ' lachryma Christi, it is o the best grapeL 5' aith, pure Greek, GreekL ' the ine !hite !ineL upon my conscience, it is a kind o ta etas !ine,$$hin, hin, it is o one ear, !ell !rought, and o good !ool. Courage, comrade, up thy heart, billyL ;e !ill not be beasted at this bout, or 5 ha"e got one trick. 1? hoc in hoc. There is no enchantment nor charm there, e"ery one o you hath seen it. <y 'prenticeship is out, 5 am a ree man at this trade. 5 am prester mast @Prestre mace, maistre passe.D, Prish, BrumL 5 should say, master past. ' the drinkers, those that are a$dry, ' poor thirsty soulsL Good page, my riend, ill me here some, and cro!n the !ine, 5 pray thee. %ike a cardinalL 9atura abhorret "acuum. ;ould you say that a ly could drink in thisK This is a ter the ashion o +!itHerland. Clear o , neat, supernaculumL Come, there ore, blades, to this di"ine li>uor and celestial juice, s!ill it o"er heartily, and spare notL 5t is a decoction o nectar and ambrosia.

Chapter 3.=5. (o! Gargantua !as born in a strange manner. ;hilst they !ere on this discourse and pleasant tattle o drinking,

Gargamelle began to be a little un!ell in her lo!er partsE !hereupon Grangousier arose rom o the grass, and ell to com ort her "ery honestly and kindly, suspecting that she !as in tra"ail, and told her that it !as best or her to sit do!n upon the grass under the !illo!s, because she !as like "ery shortly to see young eet, and that there ore it !as con"enient she should pluck up her spirits, and take a good heart o ne! at the resh arri"al o her babyE saying to her !ithal, that although the pain !as some!hat grie"ous to her, it !ould be but o short continuance, and that the succeeding joy !ould >uickly remo"e that sorro!, in such sort that she should not so much as remember it. 'n, !ith a sheep's courageL >uoth he. )espatch this boy, and !e !ill speedily all to !ork or the making o another. (aL said she, so !ell as you speak at your o!n ease, you that are menL ;ell, then, in the name o God, 5'll do my best, seeing that you !ill ha"e it so, but !ould to God that it !ere cut o rom youL ;hatK said Grangousier. (a, said she, you are a good man indeed, you understand it !ell enough. ;hat, my memberK said he. By the goat's blood, i it please you, that shall be done instantlyE cause bring hither a kni e. *las, said she, the %ord orbid, and pray 7esus to orgi"e meL 5 did not say it rom my heart, there ore let it alone, and do not do it neither more nor less any kind o harm or my speaking so to you. But 5 am like to ha"e !ork enough to do to$day and all or your member, yet God bless you and it. Courage, courage, said he, take you no care o the matter, let the our oremost o?en do the !ork. 5 !ill yet go drink one !hi more, and i in the mean time anything be all you that may re>uire my presence, 5 !ill be so near to you, that, at the irst !histling in your ist, 5 shall be !ith you orth!ith. * little !hile a ter she began to groan, lament and cry. Then suddenly came the mid!i"es rom all >uarters, !ho groping her belo!, ound some peloderies, !hich !as a certain ilthy stu , and o a taste truly bad enough. This they thought had been the child, but it !as her undament, that !as slipped out !ith the molli ication o her straight entrail, !hich you call the bum$gut, and that merely by eating o too many tripes, as !e ha"e sho!ed you be ore. ;hereupon an old ugly trot in the company, !ho had the repute o an e?pert she$physician, and !as come rom Brisepaille, near to +aint Genou, three score years be ore, made her so horrible a restricti"e and binding medicine, and !hereby all her larris, arse$pipes, and conduits !ere so oppilated, stopped, obstructed, and contracted, that you could hardly ha"e opened and enlarged them !ith your teeth, !hich is a terrible thing to think uponE seeing the )e"il at the mass at +aint <artin's !as puHHled !ith the like task, !hen !ith his teeth he had lengthened out the parchment !hereon he !rote the tittle$tattle o t!o young mangy !hores. By this incon"enient the cotyledons o her matri? !ere presently loosed, through !hich the child sprang up and leaped, and so, entering into the hollo! "ein, did climb by the diaphragm e"en abo"e her shoulders, !here the "ein di"ides itsel into t!o, and rom thence taking his !ay to!ards the le t side, issued orth at her le t ear. *s soon as he !as born, he cried not as other babes use to do, <ieH, mieH, mieH, mieH, but !ith a high, sturdy, and big "oice shouted about, +ome drink, some drink, some drink, as in"iting all the !orld to drink !ith him. The noise hereo !as so e?tremely great, that it !as heard in both the countries at once o Beauce and Bibarois. 5 doubt me, that you do not thoroughly belie"e the truth o this strange nati"ity. Though you belie"e it not, 5 care not much& but an honest man, and o good judgment, belie"eth still !hat is told him, and that !hich he inds !ritten. 5s this beyond our la! or our aith$$against reason or the holy +criptureK For my part, 5 ind nothing in the sacred Bible that is against it. But

tell me, i it had been the !ill o God, !ould you say that he could not do itK (a, or a"our sake, 5 beseech you, ne"er emberlucock or inpulrega iHe your spirits !ith these "ain thoughts and idle conceitsE or 5 tell you, it is not impossible !ith God, and, i he pleased, all !omen hence orth should bring orth their children at the ear. ;as not Bacchus engendered out o the "ery thigh o 7upiterK )id not Ro>uetaillade come out at his mother's heel, and Crocmoush rom the slipper o his nurseK ;as not <iner"a born o the brain, e"en through the ear o 7o"eK *donis, o the bark o a myrrh treeE and Castor and Pollu? o the doupe o that egg !hich !as laid and hatched by %edaK But you !ould !onder more, and !ith ar greater amaHement, i 5 should no! present you !ith that chapter o Plinius, !herein he treateth o strange births, and contrary to nature, and yet am not 5 so impudent a liar as he !as. Read the se"enth book o his 9atural (istory, chap.C, and trouble not my head any more about this.

Chapter 3.=55. * ter !hat manner Gargantua had his name gi"en him, and ho! he tippled, bibbed, and curried the can. The good man Grangousier, drinking and making merry !ith the rest, heard the horrible noise !hich his son had made as he entered into the light o this !orld, !hen he cried out, +ome drink, some drink, some drinkE !hereupon he said in French, Jue grand tu as et souple le gousierL that is to say, (o! great and nimble a throat thou hast. ;hich the company hearing, said that "erily the child ought to be called GargantuaE because it !as the irst !ord that a ter his birth his ather had spoke, in imitation, and at the e?ample o the ancient (ebre!sE !hereunto he condescended, and his mother !as "ery !ell pleased there!ith. 5n the mean!hile, to >uiet the child, they ga"e him to drink a tirelaregot, that is, till his throat !as like to crack !ith itE then !as he carried to the ont, and there baptiHed, according to the manner o good Christians. 5mmediately therea ter !ere appointed or him se"enteen thousand, nine hundred, and thirteen co!s o the to!ns o Pautille and Brehemond, to urnish him !ith milk in ordinary, or it !as impossible to ind a nurse su icient or him in all the country, considering the great >uantity o milk that !as re>uisite or his nourishmentE although there !ere not !anting some doctors o the opinion o +cotus, !ho a irmed that his o!n mother ga"e him suck, and that she could dra! out o her breasts one thousand, our hundred, t!o pipes, and nine pails o milk at e"ery time. ;hich indeed is not probable, and this point hath been ound duggishly scandalous and o ensi"e to tender ears, or that it sa"oured a little o heresy. Thus !as he handled or one year and ten monthsE a ter !hich time, by the ad"ice o physicians, they began to carry him, and then !as made or him a ine little cart dra!n !ith o?en, o the in"ention o 7an )enio, !herein they led him hither and thither !ith great joyE and he !as !orth the seeing, or he !as a ine boy, had a burly physiognomy, and almost ten chins. (e cried "ery little, but beshit himsel e"ery hour& or, to speak truly o him, he !as !onder ully phlegmatic in his posteriors, both by reason o his natural comple?ion and the accidental disposition !hich had be allen him by his too much >ua ing o the +eptembral juice. #et !ithout a cause did not he sup one dropE or i he happened to be "e?ed, angry, displeased, or sorry, i he did ret, i he did !eep, i he did cry, and

!hat grie"ous >uarter soe"er he kept, in bringing him some drink, he !ould be instantly paci ied, reseated in his o!n temper, in a good humour again, and as still and >uiet as e"er. 'ne o his go"ernesses told me @s!earing by her igD, ho! he !as so accustomed to this kind o !ay, that, at the sound o pints and lagons, he !ould on a sudden all into an ecstasy, as i he had then tasted o the joys o paradiseE so that they, upon consideration o this, his di"ine comple?ion, !ould e"ery morning, to cheer him up, play !ith a kni e upon the glasses, on the bottles !ith their stopples, and on the pottle$pots !ith their lids and co"ers, at the sound !hereo he became gay, did leap or joy, !ould loll and rock himsel in the cradle, then nod !ith his head, monochordiHing !ith his ingers, and barytoniHing !ith his tail.

Chapter 3.=555. (o! they apparelled Gargantua. Being o this age, his ather ordained to ha"e clothes made to him in his o!n li"ery, !hich !as !hite and blue. To !ork then !ent the tailors, and !ith great e?pedition !ere those clothes made, cut, and se!ed, according to the ashion that !as then in re>uest. 5 ind by the ancient records or pancarts, to be seen in the chamber o accounts, or court o the e?che>uer at <ontsoreau, that he !as accoutred in manner as ollo!eth. To make him e"ery shirt o his !ere taken up nine hundred ells o Chasteleraud linen, and t!o hundred or the gussets, in manner o cushions, !hich they put under his armpits. (is shirt !as not gathered nor plaited, or the plaiting o shirts !as not ound out till the seamstresses @!hen the point o their needle @Besongner du cul, 1nglished The eye o the needle.D !as brokenD began to !ork and occupy !ith the tail. There !ere taken up or his doublet, eight hundred and thirteen ells o !hite satin, and or his points i teen hundred and nine dogs' skins and a hal . Then !as it that men began to tie their breeches to their doublets, and not their doublets to their breeches& or it is against nature, as hath most amply been sho!ed by 'ckham upon the e?ponibles o <aster (aultechaussade. For his breeches !ere taken up ele"en hundred and i"e ells and a third o !hite broadcloth. They !ere cut in the orm o pillars, cham ered, channelled and pinked behind that they might not o"er$heat his reins& and !ere, !ithin the panes, pu ed out !ith the lining o as much blue damask as !as need ul& and remark, that he had "ery good leg$harness, proportionable to the rest o his stature. For his codpiece !ere used si?teen ells and a >uarter o the same cloth, and it !as ashioned on the top like unto a triumphant arch, most gallantly astened !ith t!o enamelled clasps, in each o !hich !as set a great emerald, as big as an orangeE or, as says 'rpheus, lib. de lapidibus, and Plinius, libro ultimo, it hath an erecti"e "irtue and com ortati"e o the natural member. The e?iture, outjecting or outstanding, o his codpiece !as o the length o a yard, jagged and pinked, and !ithal bagging, and strutting out !ith the blue damask lining, a ter the manner o his breeches. But had you seen the air embroidery o the small needle!ork purl, and the curiously interlaced knots, by the goldsmith's art set out and trimmed !ith rich diamonds, precious rubies, ine tur>uoises, costly emeralds, and Persian pearls, you !ould ha"e compared it to a air cornucopia, or horn o abundance, such as you see in anti>ues, or as Rhea

ga"e to the t!o nymphs, *malthea and 5da, the nurses o 7upiter. *nd, like to that horn o abundance, it !as still gallant, succulent, droppy, sappy, pithy, li"ely, al!ays lourishing, al!ays ructi ying, ull o juice, ull o lo!er, ull o ruit, and all manner o delight. 5 a"o! God, it !ould ha"e done one good to ha"e seen him, but 5 !ill tell you more o him in the book !hich 5 ha"e made o the dignity o codpieces. 'ne thing 5 !ill tell you, that as it !as both long and large, so !as it !ell urnished and "ictualled !ithin, nothing like unto the hypocritical codpieces o some ond !ooers and !ench$courtiers, !hich are stu ed only !ith !ind, to the great prejudice o the emale se?. For his shoes !ere taken up our hundred and si? ells o blue crimson$"el"et, and !ere "ery neatly cut by parallel lines, joined in uni orm cylinders. For the soling o them !ere made use o ele"en hundred hides o bro!n co!s, shapen like the tail o a keeling. For his coat !ere taken up eighteen hundred ells o blue "el"et, dyed in grain, embroidered in its borders !ith air gilli lo!ers, in the middle decked !ith sil"er purl, intermi?ed !ith plates o gold and store o pearls, hereby sho!ing that in his time he !ould pro"e an especial good ello! and singular !hipcan. (is girdle !as made o three hundred ells and a hal o silken serge, hal !hite and hal blue, i 5 mistake it not. (is s!ord !as not o =alentia, nor his dagger o +aragossa, or his ather could not endure these hidalgos borrachos maranisados como diablos& but he had a air s!ord made o !ood, and the dagger o boiled leather, as !ell painted and gilded as any man could !ish. (is purse !as made o the cod o an elephant, !hich !as gi"en him by (err Pracontal, proconsul o %ybia. For his go!n !ere employed nine thousand si? hundred ells, !anting t!o$thirds, o blue "el"et, as be ore, all so diagonally purled, that by true perspecti"e issued thence an unnamed colour, like that you see in the necks o turtle$do"es or turkey$cocks, !hich !onder ully rejoiced the eyes o the beholders. For his bonnet or cap !ere taken up three hundred, t!o ells and a >uarter o !hite "el"et, and the orm thereo !as !ide and round, o the bigness o his headE or his ather said that the caps o the <arrabaise ashion, made like the co"er o a pasty, !ould one time or other bring a mischie on those that !ore them. For his plume, he !ore a air great blue eather, plucked rom an onocrotal o the country o (ircania the !ild, "ery prettily hanging do!n o"er his right ear. For the je!el or brooch !hich in his cap he carried, he had in a cake o gold, !eighing three score and eight marks, a air piece enamelled, !herein !as portrayed a man's body !ith t!o heads, looking to!ards one another, our arms, our eet, t!o arses, such as Plato, in +ymposio, says !as the mystical beginning o man's natureE and about it !as !ritten in 5onic letters, *game ou Hetei ta eautes, or rather, *ner kai gune Hugada anthrotos idiaitata, that is, =ir et mulier junctim propriissime homo. To !ear about his neck, he had a golden chain, !eighing t!enty$ i"e thousand and si?ty$three marks o gold, the links thereo being made a ter the manner o great berries, amongst !hich !ere set in !ork green jaspers engra"en and cut dragon$like, all en"ironed !ith beams and sparks, as king 9icepsos o old !as !ont to !ear them& and it reached do!n to the "ery bust o the rising o his belly, !hereby he reaped great bene it all his li e long, as the Greek physicians kno! !ell enough. For

his glo"es !ere put in !ork si?teen otters' skins, and three o the loupgarous, or men$eating !ol"es, or the bordering o them& and o this stu !ere they made, by the appointment o the Cabalists o +anlouand. *s or the rings !hich his ather !ould ha"e him to !ear, to rene! the ancient mark o nobility, he had on the ore inger o his le t hand a carbuncle as big as an ostrich's egg, enchased "ery daintily in gold o the ineness o a Turkey seraph. 8pon the middle inger o the same hand he had a ring made o our metals together, o the strangest ashion that e"er !as seenE so that the steel did not crash against the gold, nor the sil"er crush the copper. *ll this !as made by Captain Chappuys, and *lco ribas his good agent. 'n the medical inger o his right hand he had a ring made spire$!ise, !herein !as set a per ect Balas ruby, a pointed diamond, and a Physon emerald, o an inestimable "alue. For (ans Car"el, the king o <elinda's je!eller, esteemed them at the rate o threescore nine millions, eight hundred ninety$ our thousand, and eighteen French cro!ns o Berry, and at so much did the Foucres o *ugsburg priHe them.

Chapter 3.5I. The colours and li"eries o Gargantua. Gargantua's colours !ere !hite and blue, as 5 ha"e sho!ed you be ore, by !hich his ather !ould gi"e us to understand that his son to him !as a hea"enly joyE or the !hite did signi y gladness, pleasure, delight, and rejoicing, and the blue, celestial things. 5 kno! !ell enough that, in reading this, you laugh at the old drinker, and hold this e?position o colours to be "ery e?tra"agant, and utterly disagreeable to reason, because !hite is said to signi y aith, and blue constancy. But !ithout mo"ing, "e?ing, heating, or putting you in a cha e @ or the !eather is dangerousD, ans!er me, i it please youE or no other compulsory !ay o arguing !ill 5 use to!ards you, or any elseE only no! and then 5 !ill mention a !ord or t!o o my bottle. ;hat is it that induceth you, !hat stirs you up to belie"e, or !ho told you that !hite signi ieth aith, and blue constancyK *n old paltry book, say you, sold by the ha!king pedlars and balladmongers, entitled The Blason o Colours. ;ho made itK ;hoe"er it !as, he !as !ise in that he did not set his name to it. But, besides, 5 kno! not !hat 5 should rather admire in him, his presumption or his sottishness. (is presumption and o"er!eening, or that he should !ithout reason, !ithout cause, or !ithout any appearance o truth, ha"e dared to prescribe, by his pri"ate authority, !hat things should be denotated and signi ied by the colour& !hich is the custom o tyrants, !ho !ill ha"e their !ill to bear s!ay in stead o e>uity, and not o the !ise and learned, !ho !ith the e"idence o reason satis y their readers. (is sottishness and !ant o spirit, in that he thought that, !ithout any other demonstration or su icient argument, the !orld !ould be pleased to make his blockish and ridiculous impositions the rule o their de"ices. 5n e ect, according to the pro"erb, To a shitten tail ails ne"er ordure, he hath ound, it seems, some simple ninny in those rude times o old, !hen the !earing o high round bonnets !as in ashion, !ho ga"e some trust to his !ritings, according to !hich they car"ed and engra"ed their apophthegms and mottoes, trapped and caparisoned their mules and sumpter$horses, apparelled their pages, >uartered their breeches, bordered their glo"es, ringed the curtains and "alances o their beds, painted their ensigns, composed songs, and, !hich is !orse, placed many deceit ul jugglings and un!orthy base tricks undisco"eredly amongst the "ery chastest matrons and most re"erend

sciences. 5n the like darkness and mist o ignorance are !rapped up these "ain$glorious courtiers and name$transposers, !ho, going about in their impresas to signi y esperance @that is, hopeD, ha"e portrayed a sphere$$and birds' pennes or pains$$l'ancholie @!hich is the lo!er colombineD or melancholy$$a !aning moon or crescent, to sho! the increasing or rising o one's ortune$$a bench rotten and broken, to signi y bankrupt$$non and a corslet or non dur habit @other!ise non durabit, it shall not lastD, un lit sans ciel, that is, a bed !ithout a tester, or un licencie, a graduated person, as bachelor in di"inity or utter barrister$at$la!E !hich are e>ui"ocals so absurd and !itless, so barbarous and clo!nish, that a o?'s tail should be astened to the neck$piece o , and a "iHard made o a co!sherd gi"en to e"eryone that hence orth should o er, a ter the restitution o learning, to make use o any such opperies in France. By the same reasons @i reasons 5 should call them, and not ra"ings rather, and idle tri lings about !ordsD, might 5 cause paint a pannier, to signi y that 5 am in pain$$a mustard$pot, that my heart tarries much or't$$one pissing up!ards or a bishop$$the bottom o a pair o breeches or a "essel ull o art$hings$$a codpiece or the o ice o the clerks o the sentences, decrees, or judgments, or rather, as the 1nglish bears it, or the tail o a cod ish$$and a dog's turd or the dainty turret !herein lies the lo"e o my s!eetheart. Far other!ise did hereto ore the sages o 1gypt, !hen they !rote by letters, !hich they called hieroglyphics, !hich none understood !ho !ere not skilled in the "irtue, property, and nature o the things represented by them. ' !hich 'rus *pollon hath in Greek composed t!o books, and Polyphilus, in his )ream o %o"e, set do!n more. 5n France you ha"e a taste o them in the de"ice or impresa o my %ord *dmiral, !hich !as carried be ore that time by 'cta"ian *ugustus. But my little ski alongst these unpleasant gul s and shoals !ill sail no urther, there ore must 5 return to the port rom !hence 5 came. #et do 5 hope one day to !rite more at large o these things, and to sho! both by philosophical arguments and authorities, recei"ed and appro"ed o by and rom all anti>uity, !hat, and ho! many colours there are in nature, and !hat may be signi ied by e"ery one o them, i God sa"e the mould o my cap, !hich is my best !ine$pot, as my grandam said.

Chapter 3.I. ' that !hich is signi ied by the colours !hite and blue. The !hite there ore signi ieth joy, solace, and gladness, and that not at random, but upon just and "ery good grounds& !hich you may percei"e to be true, i laying aside all prejudicate a ections, you !ill but gi"e ear to !hat presently 5 shall e?pound unto you. *ristotle saith that, supposing t!o things contrary in their kind, as good and e"il, "irtue and "ice, heat and cold, !hite and black, pleasure and pain, joy and grie ,$$and so o others,$$i you couple them in such manner that the contrary o one kind may agree in reason !ith the contrary o the other, it must ollo! by conse>uence that the other contrary must ans!er to the remanent opposite to that !here!ith it is con erred. *s, or e?ample, "irtue and "ice are contrary in one kind, so are good and e"il. 5 one o the contraries o the irst kind be consonant to one o those o the second, as "irtue and goodness, or it is clear that "irtue is good, so shall the other t!o contraries, !hich are e"il and "ice, ha"e the same

connection, or "ice is e"il. This logical rule being understood, take these t!o contraries, joy and sadnessE then these other t!o, !hite and black, or they are physically contrary. 5 so be, then, that black do signi y grie , by good reason then should !hite import joy. 9or is this signi ication instituted by human imposition, but by the uni"ersal consent o the !orld recei"ed, !hich philosophers call 7us Gentium, the %a! o 9ations, or an uncontrollable right o orce in all countries !hatsoe"er. For you kno! !ell enough that all people, and all languages and nations, e?cept the ancient +yracusans and certain *rgi"es, !ho had cross and th!arting souls, !hen they mean out!ardly to gi"e e"idence o their sorro!, go in blackE and all mourning is done !ith black. ;hich general consent is not !ithout some argument and reason in nature, the !hich e"ery man may by himsel "ery suddenly comprehend, !ithout the instruction o any$$and this !e call the la! o nature. By "irtue o the same natural instinct !e kno! that by !hite all the !orld hath understood joy, gladness, mirth, pleasure, and delight. 5n ormer times the Thracians and Cretans did mark their good, propitious, and ortunate days !ith !hite stones, and their sad, dismal, and un ortunate ones !ith black. 5s not the night mourn ul, sad, and melancholicK 5t is black and dark by the pri"ation o light. )oth not the light com ort all the !orldK *nd it is more !hite than anything else. ;hich to pro"e, 5 could direct you to the book o %aurentius =alla against BartolusE but an e"angelical testimony 5 hope !ill content you. <atth. 3G it is said that, at the trans iguration o our %ord, =estimenta ejus acta sunt alba sicut lu?, his apparel !as made !hite like the light. By !hich lightsome !hiteness he ga"e his three apostles to understand the idea and igure o the eternal joysE or by the light are all men com orted, according to the !ord o the old !oman, !ho, although she had ne"er a tooth in her head, !as !ont to say, Bona lu?. *nd Tobit, chap.B, a ter he had lost his sight, !hen Raphael saluted him, ans!ered, ;hat joy can 5 ha"e, that do not see the light o (ea"enK 5n that colour did the angels testi y the joy o the !hole !orld at the resurrection o our +a"iour, 7ohn -., and at his ascension, *cts 3. ;ith the like colour o "esture did +t. 7ohn the 1"angelist, *poc. /.G, see the aith ul clothed in the hea"enly and blessed 7erusalem. Read the ancient, both Greek and %atin histories, and you shall ind that the to!n o *lba @the irst pattern o RomeD !as ounded and so named by reason o a !hite so! that !as seen there. #ou shall like!ise ind in those stories, that !hen any man, a ter he had "an>uished his enemies, !as by decree o the senate to enter into Rome triumphantly, he usually rode in a chariot dra!n by !hite horses& !hich in the o"ation triumph !as also the customE or by no sign or colour !ould they so signi icantly e?press the joy o their coming as by the !hite. #ou shall there also ind, ho! Pericles, the general o the *thenians, !ould needs ha"e that part o his army unto !hose lot be ell the !hite beans, to spend the !hole day in mirth, pleasure, and ease, !hilst the rest !ere a$ ighting. * thousand other e?amples and places could 5 allege to this purpose, but that it is not here !here 5 should do it. By understanding hereo , you may resol"e one problem, !hich *le?ander *phrodiseus hath accounted unans!erable& !hy the lion, !ho !ith his only cry and roaring a rights all beasts, dreads and eareth only a !hite cockK For, as Proclus saith, %ibro de +acri icio et <agia, it is because the presence o the "irtue o the sun, !hich is the organ and promptuary o all terrestrial and sidereal light, doth more symboliHe and agree !ith a !hite

cock, as !ell in regard o that colour, as o his property and speci ical >uality, than !ith a lion. (e saith, urthermore, that de"ils ha"e been o ten seen in the shape o lions, !hich at the sight o a !hite cock ha"e presently "anished. This is the cause !hy Galli or Gallices @so are the Frenchmen called, because they are naturally !hite as milk, !hich the Greeks call Gala,D do !illingly !ear in their caps !hite eathers, or by nature they are o a candid disposition, merry, kind, gracious, and !ell$belo"ed, and or their cogniHance and arms ha"e the !hitest lo!er o any, the Flo!er de luce or %ily. 5 you demand ho!, by !hite, nature !ould ha"e us understand joy and gladness, 5 ans!er, that the analogy and uni ormity is thus. For, as the !hite doth out!ardly disperse and scatter the rays o the sight, !hereby the optic spirits are mani estly dissol"ed, according to the opinion o *ristotle in his problems and perspecti"e treatisesE as you may like!ise percei"e by e?perience, !hen you pass o"er mountains co"ered !ith sno!, ho! you !ill complain that you cannot see !ellE as Ienophon !rites to ha"e happened to his men, and as Galen "ery largely declareth, lib. 3., de usu partium& just so the heart !ith e?cessi"e joy is in!ardly dilated, and su ereth a mani est resolution o the "ital spirits, !hich may go so ar on that it may thereby be depri"ed o its nourishment, and by conse>uence o li e itsel , by this perichary or e?tremity o gladness, as Galen saith, lib. 3-, method, lib. B, de locis a ectis, and lib. -, de symptomatum causis. *nd as it hath come to pass in ormer times, !itness <arcus Tullius, lib. 3, Juaest. Tuscul., =errius, *ristotle, Titus %i"ius, in his relation o the battle o Cannae, Plinius, lib. G, cap. C- and C/, *. Gellius, lib. C, c. 3B, and many other !riters,$$to )iagoras the Rhodian, Chilon, +ophocles, )ionysius the tyrant o +icily, Philippides, Philemon, Polycrates, Philistion, <. 7u"enti, and others !ho died !ith joy. *nd as *"icen speaketh, in - canon et lib. de "irib. cordis, o the sa ron, that it doth so rejoice the heart that, i you take o it e?cessi"ely, it !ill by a super luous resolution and dilation depri"e it altogether o li e. (ere peruse *le?. *phrodiseus, lib. 3, Probl., cap. 3F, and that or a cause. But !hatK 5t seems 5 am entered urther into this point than 5 intended at the irst. (ere, there ore, !ill 5 strike sail, re erring the rest to that book o mine !hich handleth this matter to the ull. <ean!hile, in a !ord 5 !ill tell you, that blue doth certainly signi y hea"en and hea"enly things, by the same "ery tokens and symbols that !hite signi ieth joy and pleasure.

Chapter 3.I5. ' the youth ul age o Gargantua. Gargantua, rom three years up!ards unto i"e, !as brought up and instructed in all con"enient discipline by the commandment o his atherE and spent that time like the other little children o the country, that is, in drinking, eating, and sleeping& in eating, sleeping, and drinking& and in sleeping, drinking, and eating. +till he !allo!ed and rolled up and do!n himsel in the mire and dirt$$he blurred and sullied his nose !ith ilth$$he blotted and smutched his ace !ith any kind o scur"y stu $$he trod do!n his shoes in the heel$$at the lies he did o tentimes ya!n, and ran "ery heartily a ter the butter lies, the empire !hereo belonged to his ather. (e pissed in his shoes, shit in his shirt, and !iped his nose on his slee"e$$he did let his snot and sni"el all in his pottage, and

dabbled, paddled, and slobbered e"ery!here$$he !ould drink in his slipper, and ordinarily rub his belly against a pannier. (e sharpened his teeth !ith a top, !ashed his hands !ith his broth, and combed his head !ith a bo!l. (e !ould sit do!n bet!i?t t!o stools, and his arse to the ground $$!ould co"er himsel !ith a !et sack, and drink in eating o his soup. (e did eat his cake sometimes !ithout bread, !ould bite in laughing, and laugh in biting. ' tentimes did he spit in the basin, and art or atness, piss against the sun, and hide himsel in the !ater or ear o rain. (e !ould strike out o the cold iron, be o ten in the dumps, and rig and !riggle it. (e !ould lay the o?, say the ape's paternoster, return to his sheep, and turn the hogs to the hay. (e !ould beat the dogs be ore the lion, put the plough be ore the o?en, and cla! !here it did not itch. (e !ould pump one to dra! some!hat out o him, by griping all !ould hold ast nothing, and al!ays eat his !hite bread irst. (e shoed the geese, kept a sel $tickling to make himsel laugh, and !as "ery steadable in the kitchen& made a mock at the gods, !ould cause sing <agni icat at matins, and ound it "ery con"enient so to do. (e !ould eat cabbage, and shite beets,$$kne! lies in a dish o milk, and !ould make them lose their eet. (e !ould scrape paper, blur parchment, then run a!ay as hard as he could. (e !ould pull at the kid's leather, or "omit up his dinner, then reckon !ithout his host. (e !ould beat the bushes !ithout catching the birds, thought the moon !as made o green cheese, and that bladders are lanterns. 'ut o one sack he !ould take t!o moultures or ees or grindingE !ould act the ass's part to get some bran, and o his ist !ould make a mallet. (e took the cranes at the irst leap, and !ould ha"e the mail$coats to be made link a ter link. (e al!ays looked a gi"en horse in the mouth, leaped rom the cock to the ass, and put one ripe bet!een t!o green. By robbing Peter he paid Paul, he kept the moon rom the !ol"es, and hoped to catch larks i e"er the hea"ens should all. (e did make o necessity "irtue, o such bread such pottage, and cared as little or the peeled as or the sha"en. 1"ery morning he did cast up his gorge, and his ather's little dogs eat out o the dish !ith him, and he !ith them. (e !ould bite their ears, and they !ould scratch his nose$$he !ould blo! in their arses, and they !ould lick his chaps. But hearken, good ello!s, the spigot ill betake you, and !hirl round your brains, i you do not gi"e earL This little lecher !as al!ays groping his nurses and go"ernesses, upside do!n, arsi"ersy, topsytur"y, harri bourri>uet, !ith a #acco haick, hyck gioL handling them "ery rudely in jumbling and tumbling them to keep them goingE or he had already begun to e?ercise the tools, and put his codpiece in practice. ;hich codpiece, or braguette, his go"ernesses did e"ery day deck up and adorn !ith air nosegays, curious rubies, s!eet lo!ers, and ine silken tu ts, and "ery pleasantly !ould pass their time in taking you kno! !hat bet!een their ingers, and dandling it, till it did re"i"e and creep up to the bulk and sti ness o a suppository, or street magdaleon, !hich is a hard rolled$up sal"e spread upon leather. Then did they burst out in laughing, !hen they sa! it li t up its ears, as i the sport had liked them. 'ne o them !ould call it her little dille, her sta o lo"e, her >uillety, her aucetin, her dandilolly. *nother, her peen, her jolly kyle, her bableret, her membretoon, her >uickset imp& another again, her branch o coral, her emale adamant, her placket$racket, her Cyprian sceptre, her je!el or ladies. *nd some o the other !omen !ould gi"e it these names,$$my bunguetee, my stopple too, my bush$rusher, my gallant !imble, my pretty borer, my coney$burro!$ erret, my little piercer, my augretine, my dangling hangers, do!n right to it, sti and stout, in and to, my pusher, dresser, pouting stick, my honey pipe, my pretty pillicock, linky pinky, utilletie,

my lusty andouille, and crimson chitterling, my little couille bredouille, my pretty rogue, and so orth. 5t belongs to me, said one. 5t is mine, said the other. ;hat, >uoth a third, shall 5 ha"e no share in itK By my aith, 5 !ill cut it then. (a, to cut it, said the other, !ould hurt him. <adam, do you cut little children's thingsK ;ere his cut o , he !ould be then <onsieur sans >ueue, the curtailed master. *nd that he might play and sport himsel a ter the manner o the other little children o the country, they made him a air !eather !hirl$jack o the !ings o the !indmill o <yrebalais.

Chapter 3.I55. ' Gargantua's !ooden horses. * ter!ards, that he might be all his li etime a good rider, they made to him a air great horse o !ood, !hich he did make leap, cur"et, jerk out behind, and skip or!ard, all at a time& to pace, trot, rack, gallop, amble, to play the hobby, the hackney$gelding& go the gait o the camel, and o the !ild ass. (e made him also change his colour o hair, as the monks o Coultibo @according to the "ariety o their holidaysD use to do their clothes, rom bay bro!n, to sorrel, dapple$grey, mouse$dun, deer$colour, roan, co!$colour, gingioline, ske!ed colour, piebald, and the colour o the sa"age elk. (imsel o a huge big post made a hunting nag, and another or daily ser"ice o the beam o a "inepress& and o a great oak made up a mule, !ith a ootcloth, or his chamber. Besides this, he had ten or t!el"e spare horses, and se"en horses or postE and all these !ere lodged in his o!n chamber, close by his bedside. 'ne day the %ord o Breadinbag @Painensac.D came to "isit his ather in great bra"ery, and !ith a gallant train& and, at the same time, to see him came like!ise the )uke o Freemeal @Francrepas.D and the 1arl o ;etgullet @<ouille"ent.D. The house truly or so many guests at once !as some!hat narro!, but especially the stablesE !hereupon the ste!ard and harbinger o the said %ord Breadinbag, to kno! i there !ere any other empty stable in the house, came to Gargantua, a little young lad, and secretly asked him !here the stables o the great horses !ere, thinking that children !ould be ready to tell all. Then he led them up along the stairs o the castle, passing by the second hall unto a broad great gallery, by !hich they entered into a large to!er, and as they !ere going up at another pair o stairs, said the harbinger to the ste!ard, This child decei"es us, or the stables are ne"er on the top o the house. #ou may be mistaken, said the ste!ard, or 5 kno! some places at %yons, at the Basmette, at Chaisnon, and else!here, !hich ha"e their stables at the "ery tops o the houses& so it may be that behind the house there is a !ay to come to this ascent. But 5 !ill >uestion !ith him urther. Then said he to Gargantua, <y pretty little boy, !hither do you lead usK To the stable, said he, o my great horses. ;e are almost come to itE !e ha"e but these stairs to go up at. Then leading them alongst another great hall, he brought them into his chamber, and, opening the door, said unto them, This is the stable you ask orE this is my jennetE this is my geldingE this is my courser, and this is my hackney, and laid on them !ith a great le"er. 5 !ill besto! upon you, said he, this Friesland horseE 5 had him rom Frank ort, yet !ill 5 gi"e him youE or he is a pretty little nag, and !ill go "ery !ell, !ith a tessel o gosha!ks, hal a doHen o spaniels, and a brace o greyhounds& thus are you king o the

hares and partridges or all this !inter. By +t. 7ohn, said they, no! !e are paid, he hath gleeked us to some purpose, bobbed !e are no! or e"er. 5 deny it, said he,$$he !as not here abo"e three days. 7udge you no!, !hether they had most cause, either to hide their heads or shame, or to laugh at the jest. *s they !ere going do!n again thus amaHed, he asked them, ;ill you ha"e a !him!ham @*ubeliere.DK ;hat is that, said theyK 5t is, said he, i"e turds to make you a muHHle. To$day, said the ste!ard, though !e happen to be roasted, !e shall not be burnt, or !e are pretty !ell >uipped and larded, in my opinion. ' my jolly dapper boy, thou hast gi"en us a gudgeonE 5 hope to see thee Pope be ore 5 die. 5 think so, said he, mysel E and then shall you be a puppy, and this gentle popinjay a per ect papelard, that is, dissembler. ;ell, !ell, said the harbinger. But, said Gargantua, guess ho! many stitches there are in my mother's smock. +i?teen, >uoth the harbinger. #ou do not speak gospel, said Gargantua, or there is cent be ore, and cent behind, and you did not reckon them ill, considering the t!o under holes. ;henK said the harbinger. 1"en then, said Gargantua, !hen they made a sho"el o your nose to take up a >uarter o dirt, and o your throat a unnel, !here!ith to put it into another "essel, because the bottom o the old one !as out. Cocksbod, said the ste!ard, !e ha"e met !ith a prater. Fare!ell, master tattler, God keep you, so goodly are the !ords !hich you come out !ith, and so resh in your mouth, that it had need to be salted. Thus going do!n in great haste, under the arch o the stairs they let all the great le"er, !hich he had put upon their backsE !hereupon Gargantua said, ;hat a de"ilL you are, it seems, but bad horsemen, that su er your bilder to ail you !hen you need him most. 5 you !ere to go rom hence to Cahusac, !hether had you rather, ride on a gosling or lead a so! in a leashK 5 had rather drink, said the harbinger. ;ith this they entered into the lo!er hall, !here the company !as, and relating to them this ne! story, they made them laugh like a s!arm o lies.

Chapter 3.I555. (o! Gargantua's !onder ul understanding became kno!n to his ather Grangousier, by the in"ention o a torchecul or !ipebreech. *bout the end o the i th year, Grangousier returning rom the con>uest o the Canarians, !ent by the !ay to see his son Gargantua. There !as he illed !ith joy, as such a ather might be at the sight o such a child o his& and !hilst he kissed and embraced him, he asked many childish >uestions o him about di"ers matters, and drank "ery reely !ith him and !ith his go"ernesses, o !hom in great earnest he asked, amongst other things, !hether they had been care ul to keep him clean and s!eet. To this Gargantua ans!ered, that he had taken such a course or that himsel , that in all the country there !as not to be ound a cleanlier boy than he. (o! is thatK said Grangousier. 5 ha"e, ans!ered Gargantua, by a long and curious e?perience, ound out a means to !ipe my bum, the most lordly, the most e?cellent, and the most con"enient that e"er !as seen. ;hat is thatK said Grangousier, ho! is itK 5 !ill tell you by$and$by, said Gargantua. 'nce 5 did !ipe me !ith a gentle$!oman's "el"et mask, and ound it to be goodE or the so tness o the silk !as "ery "oluptuous and pleasant to my undament. *nother time !ith one o their hoods, and in like manner that !as com ortable. *t another time !ith a lady's neckerchie , and a ter that 5 !iped me !ith some ear$pieces o hers made o crimson satin, but there

!as such a number o golden spangles in them @turdy round things, a po? take themD that they etched a!ay all the skin o my tail !ith a "engeance. 9o! 5 !ish +t. *ntony's ire burn the bum$gut o the goldsmith that made them, and o her that !ore themL This hurt 5 cured by !iping mysel !ith a page's cap, garnished !ith a eather a ter the +!itHers' ashion. * ter!ards, in dunging behind a bush, 5 ound a <arch$cat, and !ith it 5 !iped my breech, but her cla!s !ere so sharp that they scratched and e?ulcerated all my perinee. ' this 5 reco"ered the ne?t morning therea ter, by !iping mysel !ith my mother's glo"es, o a most e?cellent per ume and scent o the *rabian Benin. * ter that 5 !iped me !ith sage, !ith ennel, !ith anet, !ith marjoram, !ith roses, !ith gourd$lea"es, !ith beets, !ith cole!ort, !ith lea"es o the "ine$tree, !ith mallo!s, !ool$blade, !hich is a tail$scarlet, !ith lettuce, and !ith spinach lea"es. *ll this did "ery great good to my leg. Then !ith mercury, !ith parsley, !ith nettles, !ith com rey, but that ga"e me the bloody lu? o %ombardy, !hich 5 healed by !iping me !ith my braguette. Then 5 !iped my tail in the sheets, in the co"erlet, in the curtains, !ith a cushion, !ith arras hangings, !ith a green carpet, !ith a table$cloth, !ith a napkin, !ith a handkerchie , !ith a combing$clothE in all !hich 5 ound more pleasure than do the mangy dogs !hen you rub them. #ea, but, said Grangousier, !hich torchecul did you ind to be the bestK 5 !as coming to it, said Gargantua, and by$and$by shall you hear the tu autem, and kno! the !hole mystery and knot o the matter. 5 !iped mysel !ith hay, !ith stra!, !ith thatch$rushes, !ith la?, !ith !ool, !ith paper, but, ;ho his oul tail !ith paper !ipes, +hall at his ballocks lea"e some chips. ;hat, said Grangousier, my little rogue, hast thou been at the pot, that thou dost rhyme alreadyK #es, yes, my lord the king, ans!ered Gargantua, 5 can rhyme gallantly, and rhyme till 5 become hoarse !ith rheum. (ark, !hat our pri"y says to the skiters& +hittard, +>uirtard, Crackard, Turdous, Thy bung (ath lung +ome dung 'n us& Filthard, Cackard, +tinkard, +t. *ntony's ire seiHe on thy toane @boneKD, 5 thy )irty )ounby Thou do not !ipe, ere thou be gone. ;ill you ha"e any more o itK #es, yes, ans!ered Grangousier. Then, said Gargantua, * Roundelay.

5n shitting yes'day 5 did kno! The sess 5 to my arse did o!e& The smell !as such came rom that slunk, That 5 !as !ith it all bestunk& ' had but then some bra"e +ignor Brought her to me 5 !aited or, 5n shittingL 5 !ould ha"e cle t her !atergap, *nd join'd it close to my lip lap, ;hilst she had !ith her ingers guarded <y oul nockandro!, all bemerded 5n shitting. 9o! say that 5 can do nothingL By the <erdi, they are not o my making, but 5 heard them o this good old grandam, that you see here, and e"er since ha"e retained them in the budget o my memory. %et us return to our purpose, said Grangousier. ;hat, said Gargantua, to skiteK 9o, said Grangousier, but to !ipe our tail. But, said Gargantua, !ill not you be content to pay a puncheon o Breton !ine, i 5 do not blank and gra"el you in this matter, and put you to a non$plusK #es, truly, said Grangousier. There is no need o !iping one's tail, said Gargantua, but !hen it is oulE oul it cannot be, unless one ha"e been a$skitingE skite then !e must be ore !e !ipe our tails. ' my pretty little !aggish boy, said Grangousier, !hat an e?cellent !it thou hastK 5 !ill make thee "ery shortly proceed doctor in the jo"ial >uirks o gay learning, and that, by G$$, or thou hast more !it than age. 9o!, 5 prithee, go on in this torcheculati"e, or !ipe$bummatory discourse, and by my beard 5 s!ear, or one puncheon, thou shalt ha"e threescore pipes, 5 mean o the good Breton !ine, not that !hich gro!s in Britain, but in the good country o =erron. * ter!ards 5 !iped my bum, said Gargantua, !ith a kerchie , !ith a pillo!, !ith a pantou le, !ith a pouch, !ith a pannier, but that !as a !icked and unpleasant torcheculE then !ith a hat. ' hats, note that some are shorn, and others shaggy, some "el"eted, others co"ered !ith ta eties, and others !ith satin. The best o all these is the shaggy hat, or it makes a "ery neat abstersion o the ecal matter. * ter!ards 5 !iped my tail !ith a hen, !ith a cock, !ith a pullet, !ith a cal 's skin, !ith a hare, !ith a pigeon, !ith a cormorant, !ith an attorney's bag, !ith a montero, !ith a coi , !ith a alconer's lure. But, to conclude, 5 say and maintain, that o all torcheculs, arse!isps, bum odders, tail$napkins, bunghole cleansers, and !ipe$breeches, there is none in the !orld comparable to the neck o a goose, that is !ell do!ned, i you hold her head bet!i?t your legs. *nd belie"e me therein upon mine honour, or you !ill thereby eel in your nockhole a most !onder ul pleasure, both in regard o the so tness o the said do!n and o the temporate heat o the goose, !hich is easily communicated to the bum$gut and the rest o the in!ards, in so ar as to come e"en to the regions o the heart and brains. *nd think not that the elicity o the heroes and demigods in the 1lysian ields consisteth either in their asphodel, ambrosia, or nectar, as our old !omen here used to sayE but in this, according to my judgment, that they !ipe their tails !ith the neck o a goose, holding her head bet!i?t their legs, and such is the opinion o <aster 7ohn o +cotland, alias +cotus.

Chapter 3.I5=. (o! Gargantua !as taught %atin by a +ophister. The good man Grangousier ha"ing heard this discourse, !as ra"ished !ith admiration, considering the high reach and mar"ellous understanding o his son Gargantua, and said to his go"ernesses, Philip, king o <acedon, kne! the great !it o his son *le?ander by his skil ul managing o a horseE or his horse Bucephalus !as so ierce and unruly that none durst ad"enture to ride him, a ter that he had gi"en to his riders such de"ilish alls, breaking the neck o this man, the other man's leg, braining one, and putting another out o his ja!bone. This by *le?ander being considered, one day in the hippodrome @!hich !as a place appointed or the breaking and managing o great horsesD, he percei"ed that the ury o the horse proceeded merely rom the ear he had o his o!n shado!, !hereupon getting on his back, he run him against the sun, so that the shado! ell behind, and by that means tamed the horse and brought him to his hand. ;hereby his ather, kno!ing the di"ine judgment that !as in him, caused him most care ully to be instructed by *ristotle, !ho at that time !as highly reno!ned abo"e all the philosophers o Greece. * ter the same manner 5 tell you, that by this only discourse, !hich no! 5 ha"e here had be ore you !ith my son Gargantua, 5 kno! that his understanding doth participate o some di"inity, and that, i he be !ell taught, and ha"e that education !hich is itting, he !ill attain to a supreme degree o !isdom. There ore !ill 5 commit him to some learned man, to ha"e him indoctrinated according to his capacity, and !ill spare no cost. Presently they appointed him a great sophister$doctor, called <aster Tubal (olo ernes, !ho taught him his *BC so !ell, that he could say it by heart back!ardsE and about this he !as i"e years and three months. Then read he to him )onat, %e Facet, Theodolet, and *lanus in parabolis. *bout this he !as thirteen years, si? months, and t!o !eeks. But you must remark that in the mean time he did learn to !rite in Gothic characters, and that he !rote all his books$$ or the art o printing !as not then in use$$and did ordinarily carry a great pen and inkhorn, !eighing about se"en thousand >uintals @that is, G..,... pound !eightD, the penner !hereo !as as big and as long as the great pillars o 1nay, and the horn !as hanging to it in great iron chains, it being o the !ideness o a tun o merchant !are. * ter that he read unto him the book de modis signi icandi, !ith the commentaries o (urtbise, o Fas>uin, o Tropdieu?, o Gualhaut, o 7ohn Cal , o Billonio, o Berlinguandus, and a rabble o othersE and herein he spent more than eighteen years and ele"en months, and !as so !ell "ersed in it that, to try masteries in school disputes !ith his condisciples, he !ould recite it by heart back!ards, and did sometimes pro"e on his inger$ends to his mother, >uod de modis signi icandi non erat scientia. Then did he read to him the compost or kno!ing the age o the moon, the seasons o the year, and tides o the sea, on !hich he spent si?teen years and t!o months, and that justly at the time that his said preceptor died o the French po?, !hich !as in the year one thousand our hundred and t!enty. * ter!ards he got an old coughing ello! to teach him, named <aster 7obelin Bride, or muHHled dolt, !ho read unto him (ugutio, (ebrard@'sD Grecism, the )octrinal, the Parts, the Juid est, the +upplementum, <armotretus, )e moribus in mensa ser"andis, +eneca de >uatuor "irtutibus cardinalibus, Passa"antus cum commento, and )ormi secure or the holidays, and some other o such like mealy stu , by reading !hereo he became as !ise as any !e e"er since baked in an o"en.

Chapter 3.I=. (o! Gargantua !as put under other schoolmasters. *t the last his ather percei"ed that indeed he studied hard, and that, although he spent all his time in it, he did ne"ertheless pro it nothing, but !hich is !orse, gre! thereby oolish, simple, doted, and blockish, !hereo making a hea"y regret to )on Philip o <arays, =iceroy or )epute :ing o Papeligosse, he ound that it !ere better or him to learn nothing at all, than to be taught such$like books, under such schoolmastersE because their kno!ledge !as nothing but brutishness, and their !isdom but blunt oppish toys, ser"ing only to bastardiHe good and noble spirits, and to corrupt all the lo!er o youth. That it is so, take, said he, any young boy o this time !ho hath only studied t!o years,$$i he ha"e not a better judgment, a better discourse, and that e?pressed in better terms than your son, !ith a completer carriage and ci"ility to all manner o persons, account me or e"er herea ter a "ery clounch and bacon$slicer o Brene. This pleased Grangousier "ery !ell, and he commanded that it should be done. *t night at supper, the said )es <arays brought in a young page o his, o =ille$gouges, called 1udemon, so neat, so trim, so handsome in his apparel, so spruce, !ith his hair in so good order, and so s!eet and comely in his beha"iour, that he had the resemblance o a little angel more than o a human creature. Then he said to Grangousier, )o you see this young boyK (e is not as yet ull t!el"e years old. %et us try, i it please you, !hat di erence there is bet!i?t the kno!ledge o the doting <ateologians o old time and the young lads that are no!. The trial pleased Grangousier, and he commanded the page to begin. Then 1udemon, asking lea"e o the "ice$king his master so to do, !ith his cap in his hand, a clear and open countenance, beauti ul and ruddy lips, his eyes steady, and his looks i?ed upon Gargantua !ith a youth ul modesty, standing up straight on his eet, began "ery grace ully to commend himE irst, or his "irtue and good mannersE secondly, or his kno!ledge, thirdly, or his nobilityE ourthly, or his bodily accomplishmentsE and, in the i th place, most s!eetly e?horted him to re"erence his ather !ith all due obser"ancy, !ho !as so care ul to ha"e him !ell brought up. 5n the end he prayed him, that he !ould "ouchsa e to admit o him amongst the least o his ser"antsE or other a"our at that time desired he none o hea"en, but that he might do him some grate ul and acceptable ser"ice. *ll this !as by him deli"ered !ith such proper gestures, such distinct pronunciation, so pleasant a deli"ery, in such e?>uisite ine terms, and so good %atin, that he seemed rather a Gracchus, a Cicero, an *emilius o the time past, than a youth o this age. But all the countenance that Gargantua kept !as, that he ell to crying like a co!, and cast do!n his ace, hiding it !ith his cap, nor could they possibly dra! one !ord rom him, no more than a art rom a dead ass. ;hereat his ather !as so grie"ously "e?ed that he !ould ha"e killed <aster 7obelin, but the said )es <arays !ithheld him rom it by air persuasions, so that at length he paci ied his !rath. Then Grangousier commanded he should be paid his !ages, that they should !hittle him up soundly, like a sophister, !ith good drink, and then gi"e him lea"e to go to all the de"ils in hell. *t least, said he, today shall it not cost his host much i by chance he should die as drunk as a +!itHer. <aster 7obelin being gone out o the house, Grangousier consulted !ith the =iceroy !hat schoolmaster they should choose or him, and it !as bet!i?t them resol"ed that Ponocrates, the tutor o

1udemon, should ha"e the charge, and that they should go altogether to Paris, to kno! !hat !as the study o the young men o France at that time.

Chapter 3.I=5. (o! Gargantua !as sent to Paris, and o the huge great mare that he rode onE ho! she destroyed the o? lies o the Beauce. 5n the same season Fayoles, the ourth :ing o 9umidia, sent out o the country o * rica to Grangousier the most hideously great mare that e"er !as seen, and o the strangest orm, or you kno! !ell enough ho! it is said that * rica al!ays is producti"e o some ne! thing. +he !as as big as si? elephants, and had her eet clo"en into ingers, like 7ulius Caesar's horse, !ith slouch$hanging ears, like the goats in %anguedoc, and a little horn on her buttock. +he !as o a burnt sorrel hue, !ith a little mi?ture o dapple$grey spots, but abo"e all she had a horrible tailE or it !as little more or less than e"ery !hit as great as the steeple$pillar o +t. <ark beside %anges& and s>uared as that is, !ith tu s and ennicroches or hair$plaits !rought !ithin one another, no other!ise than as the beards are upon the ears o corn. 5 you !onder at this, !onder rather at the tails o the +cythian rams, !hich !eighed abo"e thirty pounds eachE and o the +urian sheep, !ho need, i Tenaud say true, a little cart at their heels to bear up their tail, it is so long and hea"y. #ou emale lechers in the plain countries ha"e no such tails. *nd she !as brought by sea in three carricks and a brigantine unto the harbour o 'lone in Thalmondois. ;hen Grangousier sa! her, (ere is, said he, !hat is it to carry my son to Paris. +o no!, in the name o God, all !ill be !ell. (e !ill in times coming be a great scholar. 5 it !ere not, my masters, or the beasts, !e should li"e like clerks. The ne?t morning$$a ter they had drunk, you must understand$$they took their journeyE Gargantua, his pedagogue Ponocrates, and his train, and !ith them 1udemon, the young page. *nd because the !eather !as air and temperate, his ather caused to be made or him a pair o dun boots,$$Babin calls them buskins. Thus did they merrily pass their time in tra"elling on their high !ay, al!ays making good cheer, and !ere "ery pleasant till they came a little abo"e 'rleans, in !hich place there !as a orest o i"e$and$thirty leagues long, and se"enteen in breadth, or thereabouts. This orest !as most horribly ertile and copious in dor lies, hornets, and !asps, so that it !as a "ery purgatory or the poor mares, asses, and horses. But Gargantua's mare did a"enge hersel handsomely o all the outrages therein committed upon beasts o her kind, and that by a trick !hereo they had no suspicion. For as soon as e"er they !ere entered into the said orest, and that the !asps had gi"en the assault, she dre! out and unsheathed her tail, and there!ith skirmishing, did so s!eep them that she o"erthre! all the !ood alongst and ath!art, here and there, this !ay and that !ay, long!ise and side!ise, o"er and under, and elled e"ery!here the !ood !ith as much ease as a mo!er doth the grass, in such sort that ne"er since hath there been there neither !ood nor dor lies& or all the country !as thereby reduced to a plain champaign ield. ;hich Gargantua took great pleasure to behold, and said to his company no more but this& 7e trou"e beau ce @5 ind this prettyDE !hereupon that country hath been e"er since that time called Beauce. But all the break ast the mare got that day !as but a little ya!ning and gaping, in memory !hereo the gentlemen o Beauce do as yet to this day break their ast !ith gaping, !hich they ind to be "ery

good, and do spit the better or it. *t last they came to Paris, !here Gargantua re reshed himsel t!o or three days, making "ery merry !ith his olks, and in>uiring !hat men o learning there !ere then in the city, and !hat !ine they drunk there.

Chapter 3.I=55. (o! Gargantua paid his !elcome to the Parisians, and ho! he took a!ay the great bells o 'ur %ady's Church. +ome e! days a ter that they had re reshed themsel"es, he !ent to see the city, and !as beheld o e"erybody there !ith great admirationE or the people o Paris are so sottish, so badot, so oolish and ond by nature, that a juggler, a carrier o indulgences, a sumpter$horse, or mule !ith cymbals or tinkling bells, a blind iddler in the middle o a cross lane, shall dra! a greater con luence o people together than an e"angelical preacher. *nd they pressed so hard upon him that he !as constrained to rest himsel upon the to!ers o 'ur %ady's Church. *t !hich place, seeing so many about him, he said !ith a loud "oice, 5 belie"e that these buHHards !ill ha"e me to pay them here my !elcome hither, and my Pro iciat. 5t is but good reason. 5 !ill no! gi"e them their !ine, but it shall be only in sport. Then smiling, he untied his air braguette, and dra!ing out his mentul into the open air, he so bitterly all$to$bepissed them, that he dro!ned t!o hundred and si?ty thousand, our hundred and eighteen, besides the !omen and little children. +ome, ne"ertheless, o the company escaped this piss$ lood by mere speed o oot, !ho, !hen they !ere at the higher end o the uni"ersity, s!eating, coughing, spitting, and out o breath, they began to s!ear and curse, some in good hot earnest, and others in jest. Carimari, carimara& golynoly, golynolo. By my s!eet +anctess, !e are !ashed in sport, a sport truly to laugh atE$$in French, Par ris, or !hich that city hath been e"er since called ParisE !hose name ormerly !as %eucotia, as +trabo testi ieth, lib. >uarto, rom the Greek !ord leukotes, !hiteness,$$because o the !hite thighs o the ladies o that place. *nd orasmuch as, at this imposition o a ne! name, all the people that !ere there s!ore e"eryone by the +ancts o his parish, the Parisians, !hich are patched up o all nations and all pieces o countries, are by nature both good jurors and good jurists, and some!hat o"er!eeningE !hereupon 7oanninus de Barrauco, libro de copiositate re"erentiarum, thinks that they are called Parisians rom the Greek !ord parresia, !hich signi ies boldness and liberty in speech. This done, he considered the great bells, !hich !ere in the said to!ers, and made them sound "ery harmoniously. ;hich !hilst he !as doing, it came into his mind that they !ould ser"e "ery !ell or tingling tantans and ringing campanels to hang about his mare's neck !hen she should be sent back to his ather, as he intended to do, loaded !ith Brie cheese and resh herring. *nd indeed he orth!ith carried them to his lodging. 5n the mean!hile there came a master beggar o the riars o +t. *nthony to demand in his canting !ay the usual bene"olence o some hoggish stu , !ho, that he might be heard a ar o , and to make the bacon he !as in >uest o shake in the "ery chimneys, made account to ilch them a!ay pri"ily. 9e"ertheless, he le t them behind "ery honestly, not or that they !ere too hot, but that they !ere some!hat too hea"y or his carriage. This !as not he o Bourg, or he !as too good a riend o mine. *ll the city !as risen up in sedition, they being, as you kno!, upon any slight occasion, so ready to uproars and insurrections, that oreign nations !onder at the patience o the kings o France, !ho do not by good justice

restrain them rom such tumultuous courses, seeing the mani old incon"eniences !hich thence arise rom day to day. ;ould to God 5 kne! the shop !herein are orged these di"isions and actious combinations, that 5 might bring them to light in the con raternities o my parishL Belie"e or a truth, that the place !herein the people gathered together, !ere thus sulphured, hopurymated, moiled, and bepissed, !as called 9esle, !here then !as, but no! is no more, the oracle o %eucotia. There !as the case proposed, and the incon"enience sho!ed o the transporting o the bells. * ter they had !ell ergoted pro and con, they concluded in baralipton, that they should send the oldest and most su icient o the aculty unto Gargantua, to signi y unto him the great and horrible prejudice they sustain by the !ant o those bells. *nd not!ithstanding the good reasons gi"en in by some o the uni"ersity !hy this charge !as itter or an orator than a sophister, there !as chosen or this purpose our <aster 7anotus de Bragmardo.

Chapter 3.I=555. (o! 7anotus de Bragmardo !as sent to Gargantua to reco"er the great bells. <aster 7anotus, !ith his hair cut round like a dish a la Caesarine, in his most anti>ue accoutrement liripipionated !ith a graduate's hood, and ha"ing su iciently antidoted his stomach !ith o"en$marmalades, that is, bread and holy !ater o the cellar, transported himsel to the lodging o Gargantua, dri"ing be ore him three red$muHHled beadles, and dragging a ter him i"e or si? artless masters, all thoroughly bedaggled !ith the mire o the streets. *t their entry Ponocrates met them, !ho !as a raid, seeing them so disguised, and thought they had been some mas>uers out o their !its, !hich mo"ed him to in>uire o one o the said artless masters o the company !hat this mummery meant. 5t !as ans!ered him, that they desired to ha"e their bells restored to them. *s soon as Ponocrates heard that, he ran in all haste to carry the ne!s unto Gargantua, that he might be ready to ans!er them, and speedily resol"e !hat !as to be done. Gargantua being ad"ertised hereo , called apart his schoolmaster Ponocrates, Philotimus, ste!ard o his house, Gymnastes, his es>uire, and 1udemon, and "ery summarily con erred !ith them, both o !hat he should do and !hat ans!er he should gi"e. They !ere all o opinion that they should bring them unto the goblet$o ice, !hich is the buttery, and there make them drink like roysters and line their jackets soundly. *nd that this cougher might not be pu ed up !ith "ain$glory by thinking the bells !ere restored at his re>uest, they sent, !hilst he !as chopining and plying the pot, or the mayor o the city, the rector o the aculty, and the "icar o the church, unto !hom they resol"ed to deli"er the bells be ore the sophister had propounded his commission. * ter that, in their hearing, he should pronounce his gallant oration, !hich !as doneE and they being come, the sophister !as brought in ull hall, and began as ollo!eth, in coughing.

Chapter 3.I5I. The oration o <aster 7anotus de Bragmardo or reco"ery o the bells. (em, hem, gud$day, sirs, gud$day. 1t "obis, my masters. 5t !ere but reason that you should restore to us our bellsE or !e ha"e great need o

them. (em, hem, aih uhash. ;e ha"e o tentimes hereto ore re used good money or them o those o %ondon in Cahors, yea and those o Bourdeau? in Brie, !ho !ould ha"e bought them or the substanti ic >uality o the elementary comple?ion, !hich is introni icated in the terrestreity o their >uidditati"e nature, to e?traneiHe the blasting mists and !hirl!inds upon our "ines, indeed not ours, but these round about us. For i !e lose the piot and li>uor o the grape, !e lose all, both sense and la!. 5 you restore them unto us at my re>uest, 5 shall gain by it si? basket uls o sausages and a ine pair o breeches, !hich !ill do my legs a great deal o good, or else they !ill not keep their promise to me. (o by gob, )omine, a pair o breeches is good, et "ir sapiens non abhorrebit eam. (a, ha, a pair o breeches is not so easily gotE 5 ha"e e?perience o it mysel . Consider, )omine, 5 ha"e been these eighteen days in matagraboliHing this bra"e speech. Reddite >uae sunt Caesaris, Caesari, et >uae sunt )ei, )eo. 5bi jacet lepus. By my aith, )omine, i you !ill sup !ith me in cameris, by co? body, charitatis, nos aciemus bonum cherubin. 1go occiditunum porcum, et ego habet bonum "ino& but o good !ine !e cannot make bad %atin. ;ell, de parte )ei date nobis bellas nostras. (old, 5 gi"e you in the name o the aculty a +ermones de 8tino, that utinam you !ould gi"e us our bells. =ultis etiam pardonosK Per diem "os habebitis, et nihil payabitis. ', sir, )omine, bellagi"aminor nobisE "erily, est bonum "obis. They are use ul to e"erybody. 5 they it your mare !ell, so do they do our acultyE >uae comparata est jumentis insipientibus, et similis acta est eis, Psalmo nescio >uo. #et did 5 >uote it in my note$book, et est unum bonum *chilles, a good de ending argument. (em, hem, hem, haikhashL For 5 pro"e unto you, that you should gi"e me them. 1go sic argumentor. 'mnis bella bellabilis in bellerio bellando, bellans, bellati"o, bellare acit, bellabiliter bellantes. Parisius habet bellas. 1rgo gluc, (a, ha, ha. This is spoken to some purpose. 5t is in tertio primae, in )arii, or else!here. By my soul, 5 ha"e seen the time that 5 could play the de"il in arguing, but no! 5 am much ailed, and hence or!ard !ant nothing but a cup o good !ine, a good bed, my back to the ire, my belly to the table, and a good deep dish. (ei, )omine, 5 beseech you, in nomine Patris, Filii, et +piritus sancti, *men, to restore unto us our bells& and God keep you rom e"il, and our %ady rom health, >ui "i"it et regnat per omnia secula seculorum, *men. (em, hashchehha!ksash, >Hrchremhemhash. =erum enim "ero, >uando>uidem, dubio procul. 1depol, >uoniam, ita certe, medius idiusE a to!n !ithout bells is like a blind man !ithout a sta , an ass !ithout a crupper, and a co! !ithout cymbals. There ore be assured, until you ha"e restored them unto us, !e !ill ne"er lea"e crying a ter you, like a blind man that hath lost his sta , braying like an ass !ithout a crupper, and making a noise like a co! !ithout cymbals. * certain latinisator, d!elling near the hospital, said since, producing the authority o one Taponnus,$$5 lie, it !as one Pontanus the secular poet, $$!ho !ished those bells had been made o eathers, and the clapper o a o?tail, to the end they might ha"e begot a chronicle in the bo!els o his brain, !hen he !as about the composing o his carmini ormal lines. But nac petetin petetac, tic, torche lorgne, or rot kipipur kipipot put pantse mal , he !as declared an heretic. ;e make them as o !a?. *nd no more saith the deponent. =alete et plaudite. Calepinus recensui.

Chapter 3.II. (o! the +ophister carried a!ay his cloth, and ho! he had a suit in la!

against the other masters. The sophister had no sooner ended, but Ponocrates and 1udemon burst out in a laughing so heartily, that they had almost split !ith it, and gi"en up the ghost, in rendering their souls to God& e"en just as Crassus did, seeing a lubberly ass eat thistlesE and as Philemon, !ho, or seeing an ass eat those igs !hich !ere pro"ided or his o!n dinner, died !ith orce o laughing. Together !ith them <aster 7anotus ell a$laughing too as ast as he could, in !hich mood o laughing they continued so long, that their eyes did !ater by the "ehement concussion o the substance o the brain, by !hich these lachrymal humidities, being pressed out, glided through the optic ner"es, and so to the ull represented )emocritus (eraclitiHing and (eraclitus )emocritiHing. ;hen they had done laughing, Gargantua consulted !ith the prime o his retinue !hat should be done. There Ponocrates !as o opinion that they should make this air orator drink againE and seeing he had sho!ed them more pastime, and made them laugh more than a natural soul could ha"e done, that they should gi"e him ten baskets ull o sausages, mentioned in his pleasant speech, !ith a pair o hose, three hundred great billets o log!ood, i"e$and$t!enty hogsheads o !ine, a good large do!n$bed, and a deep capacious dish, !hich he said !ere necessary or his old age. *ll this !as done as they did appoint& only Gargantua, doubting that they could not >uickly ind out breeches it or his !earing, because he kne! not !hat ashion !ould best become the said orator, !hether the martingale ashion o breeches, !herein is a spunghole !ith a dra!bridge or the more easy caguing& or the ashion o the mariners, or the greater solace and com ort o his kidneys& or that o the +!itHers, !hich keeps !arm the bedondaine or belly$tabret& or round breeches !ith straight cannions, ha"ing in the seat a piece like a cod's tail, or ear o o"er$heating his reins&$$all !hich considered, he caused to be gi"en him se"en ells o !hite cloth or the linings. The !ood !as carried by the porters, the masters o arts carried the sausages and the dishes, and <aster 7anotus himsel !ould carry the cloth. 'ne o the said masters, called 7ousse Bandouille, sho!ed him that it !as not seemly nor decent or one o his condition to do so, and that there ore he should deli"er it to one o them. (a, said 7anotus, baudet, baudet, or blockhead, blockhead, thou dost not conclude in modo et igura. For lo, to this end ser"e the suppositions and par"a logicalia. Pannus, pro >uo supponitK Con use, said Bandouille, et distributi"e. 5 do not ask thee, said 7anotus, blockhead, >uomodo supponit, but pro >uoK 5t is, blockhead, pro tibiis meis, and there ore 5 !ill carry it, 1gomet, sicut suppositum portat appositum. +o did he carry it a!ay "ery close and co"ertly, as Patelin the bu oon did his cloth. The best !as, that !hen this cougher, in a ull act or assembly held at the <athurins, had !ith great con idence re>uired his breeches and sausages, and that they !ere latly denied him, because he had them o Gargantua, according to the in ormations thereupon made, he sho!ed them that this !as gratis, and out o his liberality, by !hich they !ere not in any sort >uit o their promises. 9ot!ithstanding this, it !as ans!ered him that he should be content !ith reason, !ithout e?pectation o any other bribe there. ReasonK said 7anotus. ;e use none o it here. 8nlucky traitors, you are not !orth the hanging. The earth beareth not more arrant "illains than you are. 5 kno! it !ell enoughE halt not be ore the lame. 5 ha"e practised !ickedness !ith you. By God's rattle, 5 !ill in orm the king o the enormous abuses that are orged here and carried underhand by you, and let me be a leper, i he do not burn you ali"e like sodomites, traitors, heretics and seducers, enemies to God and "irtue.

8pon these !ords they ramed articles against him& he on the other side !arned them to appear. 5n sum, the process !as retained by the court, and is there as yet. (ereupon the magisters made a "o! ne"er to decrott themsel"es in rubbing o the dirt o either their shoes or clothes& <aster 7anotus !ith his adherents "o!ed ne"er to blo! or snu their noses, until judgment !ere gi"en by a de initi"e sentence. By these "o!s do they continue unto this time both dirty and snottyE or the court hath not garbled, si ted, and ully looked into all the pieces as yet. The judgment or decree shall be gi"en out and pronounced at the ne?t Greek kalends, that is, ne"er. *s you kno! that they do more than nature, and contrary to their o!n articles. The articles o Paris maintain that to God alone belongs in inity, and nature produceth nothing that is immortalE or she putteth an end and period to all things by her engendered, according to the saying, 'mnia orta cadunt, Nc. But these thick mist$s!allo!ers make the suits in la! depending be ore them both in inite and immortal. 5n doing !hereo , they ha"e gi"en occasion to, and "eri ied the saying o Chilo the %acedaemonian, consecrated to the oracle at )elphos, that misery is the inseparable companion o la!$debatesE and that pleaders are miserableE or sooner shall they attain to the end o their li"es, than to the inal decision o their pretended rights.

Chapter 3.II5. The study o Gargantua, according to the discipline o his schoolmasters the +ophisters. The irst day being thus spent, and the bells put up again in their o!n place, the citiHens o Paris, in ackno!ledgment o this courtesy, o ered to maintain and eed his mare as long as he pleased, !hich Gargantua took in good part, and they sent her to graHe in the orest o Biere. 5 think she is not there no!. This done, he !ith all his heart submitted his study to the discretion o PonocratesE !ho or the beginning appointed that he should do as he !as accustomed, to the end he might understand by !hat means, in so long time, his old masters had made him so sottish and ignorant. (e disposed there ore o his time in such ashion, that ordinarily he did a!ake bet!i?t eight and nine o'clock, !hether it !as day or not, or so had his ancient go"ernors ordained, alleging that !hich )a"id saith, =anum est "obis ante lucem surgere. Then did he tumble and toss, !ag his legs, and !allo! in the bed some time, the better to stir up and rouse his "ital spirits, and apparelled himsel according to the season& but !illingly he !ould !ear a great long go!n o thick rieHe, urred !ith o?$skins. * ter!ards he combed his head !ith an *lmain comb, !hich is the our ingers and the thumb. For his preceptor said that to comb himsel other!ise, to !ash and make himsel neat, !as to lose time in this !orld. Then he dunged, pissed, spe!ed, belched, cracked, ya!ned, spitted, coughed, ye?ed, sneeHed and snotted himsel like an archdeacon, and, to suppress the de! and bad air, !ent to break ast, ha"ing some good ried tripes, air rashers on the coals, e?cellent gammons o bacon, store o ine minced meat, and a great deal o sippet bre!is, made up o the at o the bee $pot, laid upon bread, cheese, and chopped parsley stre!ed together. Ponocrates sho!ed him that he ought not to eat so soon a ter rising out o his bed, unless he had per ormed some e?ercise be orehand. Gargantua ans!ered, ;hatL ha"e not 5 su iciently !ell e?ercised mysel K 5

ha"e !allo!ed and rolled mysel si? or se"en turns in my bed be ore 5 rose. 5s not that enoughK Pope *le?ander did so, by the ad"ice o a 7e! his physician, and li"ed till his dying day in despite o his enemies. <y irst masters ha"e used me to it, saying that to break ast made a good memory, and there ore they drank irst. 5 am "ery !ell a ter it, and dine but the better. *nd <aster Tubal, !ho !as the irst licenciate at Paris, told me that it !as not enough to run apace, but to set orth betimes& so doth not the total !el are o our humanity depend upon perpetual drinking in a ribble rabble, like ducks, but on drinking early in the morningE unde "ersus, To rise betimes is no good hour, To drink betimes is better sure. * ter that he had thoroughly broke his ast, he !ent to church, and they carried to him, in a great basket, a huge impantou led or thick$co"ered bre"iary, !eighing, !hat in grease, clasps, parchment and co"er, little more or less than ele"en hundred and si? pounds. There he heard si?$and$t!enty or thirty masses. This !hile, to the same place came his orison$mutterer impaletocked, or lapped up about the chin like a tu ted !hoop, and his breath pretty !ell antidoted !ith store o the "ine$tree$syrup. ;ith him he mumbled all his kiriels and dunsical breborions, !hich he so curiously thumbed and ingered, that there ell not so much as one grain to the ground. *s he !ent rom the church, they brought him, upon a dray dra!n !ith o?en, a con used heap o paternosters and a"es o +t. Claude, e"ery one o them being o the bigness o a hat$blockE and thus !alking through the cloisters, galleries, or garden, he said more in turning them o"er than si?teen hermits !ould ha"e done. Then did he study some paltry hal $hour !ith his eyes i?ed upon his bookE but, as the comic saith, his mind !as in the kitchen. Pissing then a ull urinal, he sat do!n at tableE and because he !as naturally phlegmatic, he began his meal !ith some doHens o gammons, dried neat's tongues, hard roes o mullet, called botargos, andouilles or sausages, and such other orerunners o !ine. 5n the mean!hile, our o his olks did cast into his mouth one a ter another continually mustard by !hole sho"el uls. 5mmediately a ter that, he drank a horrible draught o !hite !ine or the ease o his kidneys. ;hen that !as done, he ate according to the season meat agreeable to his appetite, and then le t o eating !hen his belly began to strout, and !as like to crack or ulness. *s or his drinking, he had in that neither end nor rule. For he !as !ont to say, That the limits and bounds o drinking !ere, !hen the cork o the shoes o him that drinketh s!elleth up hal a oot high.

Chapter 3.II55. The games o Gargantua. Then blockishly mumbling !ith a set on countenance a piece o scur"y grace, he !ashed his hands in resh !ine, picked his teeth !ith the oot o a hog, and talked jo"ially !ith his attendants. Then the carpet being spread, they brought plenty o cards, many dice, !ith great store and abundance o che>uers and chessboards. There he played. *t lush. *t lo"e.

*t primero. *t the chess. *t the beast. *t Reynard the o?. *t the ri le. *t the s>uares. *t trump. *t the co!s. *t the prick and spare not. *t the lottery. *t the hundred. *t the chance or mumchance. *t the peeny. *t three dice or maniest bleaks. *t the un ortunate !oman. *t the tables. *t the ib. *t ni"ini"inack. *t the pass ten. *t the lurch. *t one$and$thirty. *t doublets or >ueen's game. *t post and pair, or e"en and *t the aily. se>uence. *t the French trictrac. *t three hundred. *t the long tables or erkeering. *t the unlucky man. *t eldo!n. *t the last couple in hell. *t tod's body. *t the hock. *t needs must. *t the surly. *t the dames or draughts. *t the lans>uenet. *t bob and mo!. *t the cuckoo. *t primus secundus. *t pu , or let him speak that *t mark$kni e. hath it. *t the keys. *t take nothing and thro! out. *t span$counter. *t the marriage. *t e"en or odd. *t the rolic or jackda!. *t cross or pile. *t the opinion. *t ball and huckle$bones. *t !ho doth the one, doth the *t i"ory balls. other. *t the billiards. *t the se>uences. *t bob and hit. *t the i"ory bundles. *t the o!l. *t the tarots. *t the charming o the hare. *t losing load him. *t pull yet a little. *t he's gulled and esto. *t trudgepig. *t the torture. *t the magatapies. *t the handru . *t the horn. *t the click. *t the lo!ered or +hro"etide o?. *t honours. *t the madge$o!let. *t pinch !ithout laughing. *t tilt at !eeky. *t prickle me tickle me. *t ninepins. *t the unshoeing o the ass. *t the cock >uintin. *t the cocksess. *t tip and hurl. *t hari hohi. *t the lat bo!ls. *t 5 set me do!n. *t the "eer and turn. *t earl beardy. *t rogue and ru ian. *t the old mode. *t bumbatch touch. *t dra! the spit. *t the mysterious trough. *t put out. *t the short bo!ls. *t gossip lend me your sack. *t the dapple$grey. *t the ramcod ball. *t cock and crank it. *t thrust out the harlot. *t break$pot. *t <arseilles igs. *t my desire. *t nicknamry. *t t!irly !hirlytrill. *t stick and hole. *t the rush bundles. *t boke or him, or laying the o?. *t the short sta . *t the branching it. *t the !hirling gig. *t trill madam, or grapple my lady. *t hide and seek, or are you all *t the cat selling. hidK

*t blo! the coal. *t the picket. *t the re$!edding. *t the blank. *t the >uick and dead judge. *t the pil erers. *t uno"en the iron. *t the ca"eson. *t the alse clo!n. *t prison bars. *t the lints, or at the nine stones.*t ha"e at the nuts. *t to the crutch hulch back. *t cherry$pit. *t the +anct is ound. *t rub and rice. *t hinch, pinch and laugh not. *t !hiptop. *t the leek. *t the casting top. *t bumdockdousse. *t the hobgoblins. *t the loose gig. *t the ' !onder ul. *t the hoop. *t the soily smutchy. *t the so!. *t ast and loose. *t belly to belly. *t scutchbreech. *t the dales or straths. *t the broom$besom. *t the t!igs. *t +t. Cosme, 5 come to adore *t the >uoits. thee. *t 5'm or that. *t the lusty bro!n boy. *t 5 take you napping. *t greedy glutton. *t air and so tly passeth %ent. *t the morris dance. *t the orked oak. *t eeby. *t truss. *t the !hole risk and gambol. *t the !ol 's tail. *t battabum, or riding o the *t bum to buss, or nose in breech. !ild mare. *t Geordie, gi"e me my lance. *t (ind the ploughman. *t s!aggy, !aggy or shoggyshou. *t the good ma!kin. *t stook and rook, shear and *t the dead beast. threa"e. *t climb the ladder, Billy. *t the birch. *t the dying hog. *t the muss. *t the salt doup. *t the dilly dilly darling. *t the pretty pigeon. *t o? moudy. *t barley break. *t purpose in purpose. *t the ba"ine. *t nine less. *t the bush leap. *t blind$man$bu . *t crossing. *t the allen bridges. *t bo$peep. *t bridled nick. *t the hardit arsepursy. *t the !hite at butts. *t the harro!er's nest. *t th!ack s!inge him. *t or!ard hey. *t apple, pear, plum. *t the ig. *t mumgi. *t gunshot crack. *t the toad. *t mustard peel. *t cricket. *t the gome. *t the pounding stick. *t the relapse. *t jack and the bo?. *t jog breech, or prick him *t the >ueens. or!ard. *t the trades. *t knockpate. *t heads and points. *t the Cornish c@hDough. *t the "ine$tree hug. *t the crane$dance. *t black be thy all. *t slash and cut. *t ho the dista . *t bobbing, or lirt on the *t 7oan Thomson. nose. *t the bolting cloth. *t the larks. *t the oat's seed. *t illipping. * ter he had thus !ell played, re"elled, past and spent his time, it !as

thought it to drink a little, and that !as ele"en glass uls the man, and, immediately a ter making good cheer again, he !ould stretch himsel upon a air bench, or a good large bed, and there sleep t!o or three hours together, !ithout thinking or speaking any hurt. * ter he !as a!akened he !ould shake his ears a little. 5n the mean time they brought him resh !ine. There he drank better than e"er. Ponocrates sho!ed him that it !as an ill diet to drink so a ter sleeping. 5t is, ans!ered Gargantua, the "ery li e o the patriarchs and holy athersE or naturally 5 sleep salt, and my sleep hath been to me in stead o so many gammons o bacon. Then began he to study a little, and out came the paternosters or rosary o beads, !hich the better and more ormally to despatch, he got upon an old mule, !hich had ser"ed nine kings, and so mumbling !ith his mouth, nodding and doddling his head, !ould go see a coney erreted or caught in a gin. *t his return he !ent into the kitchen to kno! !hat roast meat !as on the spit, and !hat other!ise !as to be dressed or supper. *nd supped "ery !ell, upon my conscience, and commonly did in"ite some o his neighbours that !ere good drinkers, !ith !hom carousing and drinking merrily, they told stories o all sorts rom the old to the ne!. *mongst others he had or domestics the %ords o Fou, o Gour"ille, o Griniot, and o <arigny. * ter supper !ere brought in upon the place the air !ooden gospels and the books o the our kings, that is to say, many pairs o tables and cards$$or the air lush, one, t!o, three$$or at all, to make short !orkE or else they !ent to see the !enches thereabouts, !ith little small ban>uets, intermi?ed !ith collations and rear$suppers. Then did he sleep, !ithout unbridling, until eight o'clock in the ne?t morning.

Chapter 3.II555. (o! Gargantua !as instructed by Ponocrates, and in such sort disciplinated, that he lost not one hour o the day. ;hen Ponocrates kne! Gargantua's "icious manner o li"ing, he resol"ed to bring him up in another kindE but or a !hile he bore !ith him, considering that nature cannot endure a sudden change, !ithout great "iolence. There ore, to begin his !ork the better, he re>uested a learned physician o that time, called <aster Theodorus, seriously to perpend, i it !ere possible, ho! to bring Gargantua into a better course. The said physician purged him canonically !ith *nticyrian hellebore, by !hich medicine he cleansed all the alteration and per"erse habitude o his brain. By this means also Ponocrates made him orget all that he had learned under his ancient preceptors, as Timotheus did to his disciples, !ho had been instructed under other musicians. To do this the better, they brought him into the company o learned men, !hich !ere there, in !hose imitation he had a great desire and a ection to study other!ise, and to impro"e his parts. * ter!ards he put himsel into such a road and !ay o studying, that he lost not any one hour in the day, but employed all his time in learning and honest kno!ledge. Gargantua a!aked, then, about our o'clock in the morning. ;hilst they !ere in rubbing o him, there !as read unto him some chapter o the holy +cripture aloud and clearly, !ith a pronunciation it or the matter, and hereunto !as appointed a young page born in Basche, named *nagnostes. *ccording to the purpose and argument o that lesson, he o tentimes ga"e himsel to !orship, adore, pray, and send up his supplications to that good God, !hose ;ord did sho! his majesty and mar"ellous judgment. Then !ent he unto the secret places to make e?cretion o his natural digestions. There his master repeated !hat had been read,

e?pounding unto him the most obscure and di icult points. 5n returning, they considered the ace o the sky, i it !as such as they had obser"ed it the night be ore, and into !hat signs the sun !as entering, as also the moon or that day. This done, he !as apparelled, combed, curled, trimmed, and per umed, during !hich time they repeated to him the lessons o the day be ore. (e himsel said them by heart, and upon them !ould ground some practical cases concerning the estate o man, !hich he !ould prosecute sometimes t!o or three hours, but ordinarily they ceased as soon as he !as ully clothed. Then or three good hours he had a lecture read unto him. This done they !ent orth, still con erring o the substance o the lecture, either unto a ield near the uni"ersity called the Brack, or unto the meado!s, !here they played at the ball, the long$tennis, and at the piletrigone @!hich is a play !herein !e thro! a triangular piece o iron at a ring, to pass itD, most gallantly e?ercising their bodies, as ormerly they had done their minds. *ll their play !as but in liberty, or they le t o !hen they pleased, and that !as commonly !hen they did s!eat o"er all their body, or !ere other!ise !eary. Then !ere they "ery !ell !iped and rubbed, shi ted their shirts, and, !alking soberly, !ent to see i dinner !as ready. ;hilst they stayed or that, they did clearly and elo>uently pronounce some sentences that they had retained o the lecture. 5n the meantime <aster *ppetite came, and then "ery orderly sat they do!n at table. *t the beginning o the meal there !as read some pleasant history o the !arlike actions o ormer times, until he had taken a glass o !ine. Then, i they thought good, they continued reading, or began to discourse merrily togetherE speaking irst o the "irtue, propriety, e icacy, and nature o all that !as ser"ed in at the tableE o bread, o !ine, o !ater, o salt, o leshes, ishes, ruits, herbs, roots, and o their dressing. By means !hereo he learned in a little time all the passages competent or this that !ere to be ound in Pliny, *thenaeus, )ioscorides, 7ulius Pollu?, Galen, Porphyry, 'ppian, Polybius, (eliodore, *ristotle, *elian, and others. ;hilst they talked o these things, many times, to be the more certain, they caused the "ery books to be brought to the table, and so !ell and per ectly did he in his memory retain the things abo"e said, that in that time there !as not a physician that kne! hal so much as he did. * ter!ards they con erred o the lessons read in the morning, and, ending their repast !ith some conser"e or marmalade o >uinces, he picked his teeth !ith mastic tooth$pickers, !ashed his hands and eyes !ith air resh !ater, and ga"e thanks unto God in some ine canti>ues, made in praise o the di"ine bounty and muni icence. This done, they brought in cards, not to play, but to learn a thousand pretty tricks and ne! in"entions, !hich !ere all grounded upon arithmetic. By this means he ell in lo"e !ith that numerical science, and e"ery day a ter dinner and supper he passed his time in it as pleasantly as he !as !ont to do at cards and diceE so that at last he understood so !ell both the theory and practical part thereo , that Tunstall the 1nglishman, !ho had !ritten "ery largely o that purpose, con essed that "erily in comparison o him he had no skill at all. *nd not only in that, but in the other mathematical sciences, as geometry, astronomy, music, Nc. For in !aiting on the concoction and attending the digestion o his ood, they made a thousand pretty instruments and geometrical igures, and did in some measure practise the astronomical canons. * ter this they recreated themsel"es !ith singing musically, in our or i"e parts, or upon a set theme or ground at random, as it best pleased them. 5n matter o musical instruments, he learned to play upon the lute, the "irginals, the harp, the *lmain lute !ith nine holes, the "iol, and the sackbut. This hour thus spent, and digestion inished, he did purge

his body o natural e?crements, then betook himsel to his principal study or three hours together, or more, as !ell to repeat his matutinal lectures as to proceed in the book !herein he !as, as also to !rite handsomely, to dra! and orm the anti>ue and Roman letters. This being done, they !ent out o their house, and !ith them a young gentleman o Touraine, named the 1s>uire Gymnast, !ho taught him the art o riding. Changing then his clothes, he rode a 9aples courser, a )utch roussin, a +panish jennet, a barded or trapped steed, then a light leet horse, unto !hom he ga"e a hundred carieres, made him go the high saults, bounding in the air, ree the ditch !ith a skip, leap o"er a stile or pale, turn short in a ring both to the right and le t hand. There he broke not his lanceE or it is the greatest oolery in the !orld to say, 5 ha"e broken ten lances at tilts or in ight. * carpenter can do e"en as much. But it is a glorious and praise$!orthy action !ith one lance to break and o"erthro! ten enemies. There ore, !ith a sharp, sti , strong, and !ell$steeled lance !ould he usually orce up a door, pierce a harness, beat do!n a tree, carry a!ay the ring, li t up a cuirassier saddle, !ith the mail$coat and gauntlet. *ll this he did in complete arms rom head to oot. *s or the prancing lourishes and smacking popisms or the better cherishing o the horse, commonly used in riding, none did them better than he. The ca"alleriHe o Ferrara !as but as an ape compared to him. (e !as singularly skil ul in leaping nimbly rom one horse to another !ithout putting oot to ground, and these horses !ere called desultories. (e could like!ise rom either side, !ith a lance in his hand, leap on horseback !ithout stirrups, and rule the horse at his pleasure !ithout a bridle, or such things are use ul in military engagements. *nother day he e?ercised the battle$a?e, !hich he so de?terously !ielded, both in the nimble, strong, and smooth management o that !eapon, and that in all the eats practicable by it, that he passed knight o arms in the ield, and at all essays. Then tossed he the pike, played !ith the t!o$handed s!ord, !ith the backs!ord, !ith the +panish tuck, the dagger, poniard, armed, unarmed, !ith a buckler, !ith a cloak, !ith a target. Then !ould he hunt the hart, the roebuck, the bear, the allo! deer, the !ild boar, the hare, the pheasant, the partridge, and the bustard. (e played at the balloon, and made it bound in the air, both !ith ist and oot. (e !restled, ran, jumped$$not at three steps and a leap, called the hops, nor at clochepied, called the hare's leap, nor yet at the *lmainsE or, said Gymnast, these jumps are or the !ars altogether unpro itable, and o no use$$but at one leap he !ould skip o"er a ditch, spring o"er a hedge, mount si? paces upon a !all, ramp and grapple a ter this ashion up against a !indo! o the ull height o a lance. (e did s!im in deep !aters on his belly, on his back, side!ays, !ith all his body, !ith his eet only, !ith one hand in the air, !herein he held a book, crossing thus the breadth o the ri"er o +eine !ithout !etting it, and dragged along his cloak !ith his teeth, as did 7ulius CaesarE then !ith the help o one hand he entered orcibly into a boat, rom !hence he cast himsel again headlong into the !ater, sounded the depths, hollo!ed the rocks, and plunged into the pits and gul s. Then turned he the boat about, go"erned it, led it s!i tly or slo!ly !ith the stream and against the stream, stopped it in his course, guided it !ith one hand, and !ith the other laid hard about him !ith a huge great oar, hoisted the sail, hied up along the mast by the shrouds, ran upon the edge o the decks, set the compass in order, tackled the bo!lines, and steered the helm. Coming out o the !ater, he ran uriously up against a hill, and !ith the same alacrity and s!i tness ran do!n again. (e climbed up at trees like a cat, and leaped rom the one to the other like a s>uirrel. (e did pull do!n the great boughs and branches like another <iloE then !ith

t!o sharp !ell$steeled daggers and t!o tried bodkins !ould he run up by the !all to the "ery top o a house like a ratE then suddenly came do!n rom the top to the bottom, !ith such an e"en composition o members that by the all he !ould catch no harm. (e did cast the dart, thro! the bar, put the stone, practise the ja"elin, the boar$spear or partisan, and the halbert. (e broke the strongest bo!s in dra!ing, bended against his breast the greatest crossbo!s o steel, took his aim by the eye !ith the hand$gun, and shot !ell, tra"ersed and planted the cannon, shot at butt$marks, at the papgay rom belo! up!ards, or to a height rom abo"e do!n!ards, or to a descentE then be ore him, side!ays, and behind him, like the Parthians. They tied a cable$rope to the top o a high to!er, by one end !hereo hanging near the ground he !rought himsel !ith his hands to the "ery topE then upon the same track came do!n so sturdily and irm that you could not on a plain meado! ha"e run !ith more assurance. They set up a great pole i?ed upon t!o trees. There !ould he hang by his hands, and !ith them alone, his eet touching at nothing, !ould go back and ore along the oresaid rope !ith so great s!i tness that hardly could one o"ertake him !ith runningE and then, to e?ercise his breast and lungs, he !ould shout like all the de"ils in hell. 5 heard him once call 1udemon rom +t. =ictor's gate to <ontmartre. +tentor had ne"er such a "oice at the siege o Troy. Then or the strengthening o his ner"es or sine!s they made him t!o great so!s o lead, each o them !eighing eight thousand and se"en hundred >uintals, !hich they called alteres. Those he took up rom the ground, in each hand one, then li ted them up o"er his head, and held them so !ithout stirring three >uarters o an hour and more, !hich !as an inimitable orce. (e ought at barriers !ith the stoutest and most "igorous championsE and !hen it came to the cope, he stood so sturdily on his eet that he abandoned himsel unto the strongest, in case they could remo"e him rom his place, as <ilo !as !ont to do o old. 5n !hose imitation, like!ise, he held a pomegranate in his hand, to gi"e it unto him that could take it rom him. The time being thus besto!ed, and himsel rubbed, cleansed, !iped, and re reshed !ith other clothes, he returned air and so tlyE and passing through certain meado!s, or other grassy places, beheld the trees and plants, comparing them !ith !hat is !ritten o them in the books o the ancients, such as Theophrast, )ioscorides, <arinus, Pliny, 9icander, <acer, and Galen, and carried home to the house great hand uls o them, !hereo a young page called RiHotomos had chargeE together !ith little mattocks, picka?es, grubbing$hooks, cabbies, pruning$kni"es, and other instruments re>uisite or herboriHing. Being come to their lodging, !hilst supper !as making ready, they repeated certain passages o that !hich hath been read, and sat do!n to table. (ere remark, that his dinner !as sober and thri ty, or he did then eat only to pre"ent the gna!ings o his stomach, but his supper !as copious and large, or he took then as much as !as it to maintain and nourish himE !hich, indeed, is the true diet prescribed by the art o good and sound physic, although a rabble o loggerheaded physicians, nuHHeled in the brabbling shop o sophisters, counsel the contrary. )uring that repast !as continued the lesson read at dinner as long as they thought goodE the rest !as spent in good discourse, learned and pro itable. * ter that they had gi"en thanks, he set himsel to sing "ocally, and play upon harmonious instruments, or other!ise passed his time at some pretty sports, made !ith cards or dice, or in practising the eats o legerdemain !ith cups and balls. There they stayed some nights in rolicking thus, and making themsel"es merry till it !as time to go to bedE and on other nights they !ould go make "isits unto learned men, or to such as had been tra"ellers in strange and remote countries. ;hen it !as ull night be ore they retired

themsel"es, they !ent unto the most open place o the house to see the ace o the sky, and there beheld the comets, i any !ere, as like!ise the igures, situations, aspects, oppositions, and conjunctions o both the i?ed stars and planets. Then !ith his master did he brie ly recapitulate, a ter the manner o the Pythagoreans, that !hich he had read, seen, learned, done, and understood in the !hole course o that day. Then prayed they unto God the Creator, in alling do!n be ore him, and strengthening their aith to!ards him, and glori ying him or his boundless bountyE and, gi"ing thanks unto him or the time that !as past, they recommended themsel"es to his di"ine clemency or the uture. ;hich being done, they !ent to bed, and betook themsel"es to their repose and rest.

Chapter 3.II5=. (o! Gargantua spent his time in rainy !eather. 5 it happened that the !eather !ere anything cloudy, oul, and rainy, all the orenoon !as employed, as be ore speci ied, according to custom, !ith this di erence only, that they had a good clear ire lighted to correct the distempers o the air. But a ter dinner, instead o their !onted e?ercitations, they did abide !ithin, and, by !ay o apotherapy @that is, a making the body health ul by e?erciseD, did recreate themsel"es in bottling up o hay, in clea"ing and sa!ing o !ood, and in threshing shea"es o corn at the barn. Then they studied the art o painting or car"ingE or brought into use the anti>ue play o tables, as %eonicus hath !ritten o it, and as our good riend %ascaris playeth at it. 5n playing they e?amined the passages o ancient authors !herein the said play is mentioned or any metaphor dra!n rom it. They !ent like!ise to see the dra!ing o metals, or the casting o great ordnanceE ho! the lapidaries did !orkE as also the goldsmiths and cutters o precious stones. 9or did they omit to "isit the alchemists, money$coiners, upholsterers, !ea"ers, "el"et$!orkers, !atchmakers, looking$glass ramers, printers, organists, and other such kind o arti icers, and, e"ery!here gi"ing them some!hat to drink, did learn and consider the industry and in"ention o the trades. They !ent also to hear the public lectures, the solemn commencements, the repetitions, the acclamations, the pleadings o the gentle la!yers, and sermons o e"angelical preachers. (e !ent through the halls and places appointed or encing, and there played against the masters themsel"es at all !eapons, and sho!ed them by e?perience that he kne! as much in it as, yea, more than, they. *nd, instead o herboriHing, they "isited the shops o druggists, herbalists, and apothecaries, and diligently considered the ruits, roots, lea"es, gums, seeds, the grease and ointments o some oreign parts, as also ho! they did adulterate them. (e !ent to see the jugglers, tumblers, mountebanks, and >uacksal"ers, and considered their cunning, their shi ts, their somersaults and smooth tongue, especially o those o Chauny in Picardy, !ho are naturally great praters, and bra"e gi"ers o ibs, in matter o green apes. *t their return they did eat more soberly at supper than at other times, and meats more desiccati"e and e?tenuatingE to the end that the intemperate moisture o the air, communicated to the body by a necessary con initi"e, might by this means be corrected, and that they might not recei"e any

prejudice or !ant o their ordinary bodily e?ercise. Thus !as Gargantua go"erned, and kept on in this course o education, rom day to day pro iting, as you may understand such a young man o his age may, o a pregnant judgment, !ith good discipline !ell continued. ;hich, although at the beginning it seemed di icult, became a little a ter so s!eet, so easy, and so delight ul, that it seemed rather the recreation o a king than the study o a scholar. 9e"ertheless Ponocrates, to di"ert him rom this "ehement intension o the spirits, thought it, once in a month, upon some air and clear day, to go out o the city betimes in the morning, either to!ards Gentilly, or Boulogne, or to <ontrouge, or Charanton bridge, or to =an"es, or +t. Clou, and there spend all the day long in making the greatest cheer that could be de"ised, sporting, making merry, drinking healths, playing, singing, dancing, tumbling in some air meado!, unnestling o sparro!s, taking o >uails, and ishing or rogs and crabs. But although that day !as passed !ithout books or lecture, yet !as it not spent !ithout pro itE or in the said meado!s they usually repeated certain pleasant "erses o =irgil's agriculture, o (esiod and o Politian's husbandry, !ould set a$broach some !itty %atin epigrams, then immediately turned them into roundelays and songs or dancing in the French language. 5n their easting they !ould sometimes separate the !ater rom the !ine that !as there!ith mi?ed, as Cato teacheth, )e re rustica, and Pliny !ith an i"y cup !ould !ash the !ine in a basin ul o !ater, then take it out again !ith a unnel as pure as e"er. They made the !ater go rom one glass to another, and contri"ed a thousand little automatory engines, that is to say, mo"ing o themsel"es.

Chapter 3.II=. (o! there !as great stri e and debate raised bet!i?t the cake$bakers o %erne, and those o Gargantua's country, !hereupon !ere !aged great !ars. *t that time, !hich !as the season o "intage, in the beginning o har"est, !hen the country shepherds !ere set to keep the "ines, and hinder the starlings rom eating up the grapes, as some cake$bakers o %erne happened to pass along in the broad high!ay, dri"ing into the city ten or t!el"e horses loaded !ith cakes, the said shepherds courteously entreated them to gi"e them some or their money, as the price then ruled in the market. For here it is to be remarked, that it is a celestial ood to eat or break ast hot resh cakes !ith grapes, especially the rail clusters, the great red grapes, the muscadine, the "erjuice grape, and the laskard, or those that are costi"e in their belly, because it !ill make them gush out, and s>uirt the length o a hunter's sta , like the "ery tap o a barrelE and o tentimes, thinking to let a s>uib, they did all$to$bes>uatter and conskite themsel"es, !hereupon they are commonly called the "intage thinkers. The bun$sellers or cake$makers !ere in nothing inclinable to their re>uestE but, !hich !as !orse, did injure them most outrageously, calling them prattling gabblers, lickorous gluttons, reckled bittors, mangy rascals, shite$a$bed scoundrels, drunken roysters, sly kna"es, dro!sy loiterers, slapsauce ello!s, slabberdegullion druggels, lubberly louts, coHening o?es, ru ian rogues, paltry customers, sycophant$"arlets, dra!latch hoydens, louting milksops, jeering companions, staring clo!ns, orlorn snakes, ninny lobcocks, scur"y sneaksbies, ondling ops, base loons, saucy co?combs, idle lusks, sco ing braggarts, noddy meacocks, blockish grutnols, doddipol$joltheads, jobbernol goosecaps, oolish loggerheads, lutch cal $lollies, grouthead gnat$snappers, lob$dotterels,

gaping changelings, codshead loobies, !oodcock slangams, ninny$hammer lycatchers, noddypeak simpletons, turdy gut, shitten shepherds, and other suchlike de amatory epithetsE saying urther, that it !as not or them to eat o these dainty cakes, but might "ery !ell content themsel"es !ith the coarse unranged bread, or to eat o the great bro!n household loa . To !hich pro"oking !ords, one amongst them, called Forgier, an honest ello! o his person and a notable springal, made ans!er "ery calmly thus& (o! long is it since you ha"e got horns, that you are become so proudK 5ndeed ormerly you !ere !ont to gi"e us some reely, and !ill you not no! let us ha"e any or our moneyK This is not the part o good neighbours, neither do !e ser"e you thus !hen you come hither to buy our good corn, !hereo you make your cakes and buns. Besides that, !e !ould ha"e gi"en you to the bargain some o our grapes, but, by his Hounds, you may chance to repent it, and possibly ha"e need o us at another time, !hen !e shall use you a ter the like manner, and there ore remember it. Then <ar>uet, a prime man in the con raternity o the cake$bakers, said unto him, #ea, sir, thou art pretty !ell crest$risen this morning, thou didst eat yesternight too much millet and bolymong. Come hither, sirrah, come hither, 5 !ill gi"e thee some cakes. ;hereupon Forgier, dreading no harm, in all simplicity !ent to!ards him, and dre! a si?pence out o his leather satchel, thinking that <ar>uet !ould ha"e sold him some o his cakes. But, instead o cakes, he ga"e him !ith his !hip such a rude lash o"erth!art the legs, that the marks o the !hipcord knots !ere apparent in them, then !ould ha"e led a!ayE but Forgier cried out as loud as he could, ', murder, murder, help, help, helpL and in the meantime thre! a great cudgel a ter him, !hich he carried under his arm, !here!ith he hit him in the coronal joint o his head, upon the crotaphic artery o the right side thereo , so orcibly, that <ar>uet ell do!n rom his mare more like a dead than li"ing man. <ean!hile the armers and country s!ains, that !ere !atching their !alnuts near to that place, came running !ith their great poles and long sta"es, and laid such load on these cake$bakers, as i they had been to thresh upon green rye. The other shepherds and shepherdesses, hearing the lamentable shout o Forgier, came !ith their slings and slackies ollo!ing them, and thro!ing great stones at them, as thick as i it had been hail. *t last they o"ertook them, and took rom them about our or i"e doHen o their cakes. 9e"ertheless they paid or them the ordinary price, and ga"e them o"er and abo"e one hundred eggs and three baskets ull o mulberries. Then did the cake$bakers help to get up to his mare <ar>uet, !ho !as most shre!dly !ounded, and orth!ith returned to %erne, changing the resolution they had to go to Pareille, threatening "ery sharp and boisterously the co!herds, shepherds, and armers o +e"ille and +inays. This done, the shepherds and shepherdesses made merry !ith these cakes and ine grapes, and sported themsel"es together at the sound o the pretty small pipe, sco ing and laughing at those "ainglorious cake$bakers, !ho had that day met !ith a mischie or !ant o crossing themsel"es !ith a good hand in the morning. 9or did they orget to apply to Forgier's leg some air great red medicinal grapes, and so handsomely dressed it and bound it up that he !as >uickly cured.

Chapter 3.II=5. (o! the inhabitants o %erne, by the commandment o Picrochole their king, assaulted the shepherds o Gargantua une?pectedly and on a sudden. The cake$bakers, being returned to %erne, !ent presently, be ore they did

either eat or drink, to the Capitol, and there be ore their king, called Picrochole, the third o that name, made their complaint, sho!ing their panniers broken, their caps all crumpled, their coats torn, their cakes taken a!ay, but, abo"e all, <ar>uet most enormously !ounded, saying that all that mischie !as done by the shepherds and herdsmen o Grangousier, near the broad high!ay beyond +e"ille. Picrochole incontinent gre! angry and uriousE and, !ithout asking any urther !hat, ho!, !hy, or !here ore, commanded the ban and arriere ban to be sounded throughout all his country, that all his "assals o !hat condition soe"er should, upon pain o the halter, come, in the best arms they could, unto the great place be ore the castle, at the hour o noon, and, the better to strengthen his design, he caused the drum to be beat about the to!n. (imsel , !hilst his dinner !as making ready, !ent to see his artillery mounted upon the carriage, to display his colours, and set up the great royal standard, and loaded !ains !ith store o ammunition both or the ield and the belly, arms and "ictuals. *t dinner he despatched his commissions, and by his e?press edict my %ord +hagrag !as appointed to command the "anguard, !herein !ere numbered si?teen thousand and ourteen ar>uebusiers or irelocks, together !ith thirty thousand and ele"en "olunteer ad"enturers. The great Tou>uedillon, master o the horse, had the charge o the ordnance, !herein !ere reckoned nine hundred and ourteen braHen pieces, in cannons, double cannons, basilisks, serpentines, cul"erins, bombards or murderers, alcons, bases or passe"olins, spirols, and other sorts o great guns. The rearguard !as committed to the )uke o +crapegood. 5n the main battle !as the king and the princes o his kingdom. Thus being hastily urnished, be ore they !ould set or!ard, they sent three hundred light horsemen, under the conduct o Captain +!ill!ind, to disco"er the country, clear the a"enues, and see !hether there !as any ambush laid or them. But, a ter they had made diligent search, they ound all the land round about in peace and >uiet, !ithout any meeting or con"ention at allE !hich Picrochole understanding, commanded that e"eryone should march speedily under his colours. Then immediately in all disorder, !ithout keeping either rank or ile, they took the ields one amongst another, !asting, spoiling, destroying, and making ha"oc o all !here"er they !ent, not sparing poor nor rich, pri"ileged or unpri"ileged places, church nor laity, dro"e a!ay o?en and co!s, bulls, cal"es, hei ers, !ethers, e!es, lambs, goats, kids, hens, capons, chickens, geese, ganders, goslings, hogs, s!ine, pigs, and such likeE beating do!n the !alnuts, plucking the grapes, tearing the hedges, shaking the ruit$trees, and committing such incomparable abuses, that the like abomination !as ne"er heard o . 9e"ertheless, they met !ith none to resist them, or e"eryone submitted to their mercy, beseeching them that they might be dealt !ith courteously in regard that they had al!ays carried themsel"es as became good and lo"ing neighbours, and that they had ne"er been guilty o any !rong or outrage done upon them, to be thus suddenly surprised, troubled, and dis>uieted, and that, i they !ould not desist, God !ould punish them "ery shortly. To !hich e?postulations and remonstrances no other ans!er !as made, but that they !ould teach them to eat cakes.

Chapter 3.II=55. (o! a monk o +e"ille sa"ed the close o the abbey rom being ransacked by the enemy. +o much they did, and so ar they !ent pillaging and stealing, that at last

they came to +e"ille, !here they robbed both men and !omen, and took all they could catch& nothing !as either too hot or too hea"y or them. *lthough the plague !as there in the most part o all the houses, they ne"ertheless entered e"ery!here, then plundered and carried a!ay all that !as !ithin, and yet or all this not one o them took any hurt, !hich is a most !onder ul case. For the curates, "icars, preachers, physicians, chirurgeons, and apothecaries, !ho !ent to "isit, to dress, to cure, to heal, to preach unto and admonish those that !ere sick, !ere all dead o the in ection, and these de"ilish robbers and murderers caught ne"er any harm at all. ;hence comes this to pass, my mastersK 5 beseech you think upon it. The to!n being thus pillaged, they !ent unto the abbey !ith a horrible noise and tumult, but they ound it shut and made ast against them. ;hereupon the body o the army marched or!ard to!ards a pass or ord called the Gue de =ede, e?cept se"en companies o oot and t!o hundred lancers, !ho, staying there, broke do!n the !alls o the close, to !aste, spoil, and make ha"oc o all the "ines and "intage !ithin that place. The monks @poor de"ilsD kne! not in that e?tremity to !hich o all their sancts they should "o! themsel"es. 9e"ertheless, at all ad"entures they rang the bells ad capitulum capitulantes. There it !as decreed that they should make a air procession, stu ed !ith good lectures, prayers, and litanies contra hostium insidias, and jolly responses pro pace. There !as then in the abbey a claustral monk, called Friar 7ohn o the unnels and gobbets, in French des entoumeures, young, gallant, risk, lusty, nimble, >uick, acti"e, bold, ad"enturous, resolute, tall, lean, !ide$mouthed, long$nosed, a air despatcher o morning prayers, unbridler o masses, and runner o"er o "igilsE and, to conclude summarily in a !ord, a right monk, i e"er there !as any, since the monking !orld monked a monkery& or the rest, a clerk e"en to the teeth in matter o bre"iary. This monk, hearing the noise that the enemy made !ithin the enclosure o the "ineyard, !ent out to see !hat they !ere doingE and percei"ing that they !ere cutting and gathering the grapes, !hereon !as grounded the oundation o all their ne?t year's !ine, returned unto the choir o the church !here the other monks !ere, all amaHed and astonished like so many bell$melters. ;hom !hen he heard sing, im, nim, pe, ne, ne, ne, ne, nene, tum, ne, num, num, ini, i mi, co, o, no, o, o, neno, ne, no, no, no, rum, nenum, num& 5t is !ell shit, !ell sung, said he. By the "irtue o God, !hy do not you sing, Panniers, are!ell, "intage is doneK The de"il snatch me, i they be not already !ithin the middle o our close, and cut so !ell both "ines and grapes, that, by Cod's body, there !ill not be ound or these our years to come so much as a gleaning in it. By the belly o +anct 7ames, !hat shall !e poor de"ils drink the !hileK %ord GodL da mihi potum. Then said the prior o the con"ent& ;hat should this drunken ello! do hereK let him be carried to prison or troubling the di"ine ser"ice. 9ay, said the monk, the !ine ser"ice, let us beha"e oursel"es so that it be not troubledE or you yoursel , my lord prior, lo"e to drink o the best, and so doth e"ery honest man. 9e"er yet did a man o !orth dislike good !ine, it is a monastical apophthegm. But these responses that you chant here, by G$$, are not in season. ;here ore is it, that our de"otions !ere instituted to be short in the time o har"est and "intage, and long in the ad"ent, and all the !interK The late riar, <assepelosse, o good memory, a true Healous man, or else 5 gi"e mysel to the de"il, o our religion, told me, and 5 remember it !ell, ho! the reason !as, that in this season !e might press and make the !ine, and in !inter !hi it up. (ark you, my masters, you that lo"e the !ine, Cop's body, ollo! meE or +anct *nthony burn me as reely as a aggot, i they get lea"e to taste one drop o the li>uor that !ill not no! come and ight or relie o the "ine.

(og's belly, the goods o the churchL (a, no, no. ;hat the de"il, +anct Thomas o 1ngland !as !ell content to die or themE i 5 died in the same cause, should not 5 be a sanct like!iseK #es. #et shall not 5 die there or all this, or it is 5 that must do it to others and send them a$packing. *s he spake this he thre! o his great monk's habit, and laid hold upon the sta o the cross, !hich !as made o the heart o a sorbapple$tree, it being o the length o a lance, round, o a ull grip, and a little po!dered !ith lilies called lo!er de luce, the !orkmanship !hereo !as almost all de aced and !orn out. Thus !ent he out in a air long$skirted jacket, putting his rock scar !ise ath!art his breast, and in this e>uipage, !ith his sta , sha t or truncheon o the cross, laid on so lustily, brisk, and iercely upon his enemies, !ho, !ithout any order, or ensign, or trumpet, or drum, !ere busied in gathering the grapes o the "ineyard. For the cornets, guidons, and ensign$bearers had laid do!n their standards, banners, and colours by the !all sides& the drummers had knocked out the heads o their drums on one end to ill them !ith grapes& the trumpeters !ere loaded !ith great bundles o bunches and huge knots o clusters& in sum, e"eryone o them !as out o array, and all in disorder. (e hurried, there ore, upon them so rudely, !ithout crying gare or be!are, that he o"erthre! them like hogs, tumbled them o"er like s!ine, striking ath!art and alongst, and by one means or other laid so about him, a ter the old ashion o encing, that to some he beat out their brains, to others he crushed their arms, battered their legs, and beth!acked their sides till their ribs cracked !ith it. To others again he unjointed the spondyles or knuckles o the neck, dis igured their chaps, gashed their aces, made their cheeks hang lapping on their chin, and so s!inged and balammed them that they ell do!n be ore him like hay be ore a mo!er. To some others he spoiled the rame o their kidneys, marred their backs, broke their thigh$bones, pashed in their noses, poached out their eyes, cle t their mandibles, tore their ja!s, dung in their teeth into their throat, shook asunder their omoplates or shoulder$blades, sphacelated their shins, morti ied their shanks, in lamed their ankles, hea"ed o o the hinges their ishies, their sciatica or hip$gout, dislocated the joints o their knees, s>uattered into pieces the boughts or pestles o their thighs, and so thumped, mauled and belaboured them e"ery!here, that ne"er !as corn so thick and three old threshed upon by ploughmen's lails as !ere the piti ully disjointed members o their mangled bodies under the merciless baton o the cross. 5 any o ered to hide himsel amongst the thickest o the "ines, he laid him s>uat as a lounder, bruised the ridge o his back, and dashed his reins like a dog. 5 any thought by light to escape, he made his head to ly in pieces by the lamboidal commissure, !hich is a seam in the hinder part o the skull. 5 anyone did scramble up into a tree, thinking there to be sa e, he rent up his perinee, and impaled him in at the undament. 5 any o his old ac>uaintance happened to cry out, (a, Friar 7ohn, my riend Friar 7ohn, >uarter, >uarter, 5 yield mysel to you, to you 5 render mysel L +o thou shalt, said he, and must, !hether thou !ouldst or no, and !ithal render and yield up thy soul to all the de"ils in hellE then suddenly ga"e them dronos, that is, so many knocks, thumps, raps, dints, th!acks, and bangs, as su iced to !arn Pluto o their coming and despatch them a$going. 5 any !as so rash and ull o temerity as to resist him to his ace, then !as it he did sho! the strength o his muscles, or !ithout more ado he did transpierce him, by running him in at the breast, through the mediastine and the heart. 'thers, again, he so >uashed and bebumped, that, !ith a sound bounce under the hollo! o their short ribs, he o"erturned their stomachs so that they died immediately. To

some, !ith a smart souse on the epigaster, he !ould make their midri s!ag, then, redoubling the blo!, ga"e them such a homepush on the na"el that he made their puddings to gush out. To others through their ballocks he pierced their bumgut, and le t not bo!el, tripe, nor entrail in their body that had not elt the impetuosity, ierceness, and ury o his "iolence. Belie"e, that it !as the most horrible spectacle that e"er one sa!. +ome cried unto +anct Barbe, others to +t. George. ' the holy %ady 9ytouch, said one, the good +anctessE ' our %ady o +uccours, said another, help, helpL 'thers cried, 'ur %ady o Cunaut, o %oretto, o Good Tidings, on the other side o the !ater +t. <ary '"er. +ome "o!ed a pilgrimage to +t. 7ames, and others to the holy handkerchie at Chamberry, !hich three months a ter that burnt so !ell in the ire that they could not get one thread o it sa"ed. 'thers sent up their "o!s to +t. Cadouin, others to +t. 7ohn d'*ngely, and to +t. 1utropius o Iaintes. 'thers again in"oked +t. <esmes o Chinon, +t. <artin o Candes, +t. Clouaud o +inays, the holy relics o %aureHay, !ith a thousand other jolly little sancts and santrels. +ome died !ithout speaking, others spoke !ithout dyingE some died in speaking, others spoke in dying. 'thers shouted as loud as they could Con ession, Con ession, Con iteor, <iserere, 5n manusL +o great !as the cry o the !ounded, that the prior o the abbey !ith all his monks came orth, !ho, !hen they sa! these poor !retches so slain amongst the "ines, and !ounded to death, con essed some o them. But !hilst the priests !ere busied in con essing them, the little monkies ran all to the place !here Friar 7ohn !as, and asked him !herein he !ould be pleased to re>uire their assistance. To !hich he ans!ered that they should cut the throats o those he had thro!n do!n upon the ground. They presently, lea"ing their outer habits and co!ls upon the rails, began to throttle and make an end o those !hom he had already crushed. Can you tell !ith !hat instruments they did itK ;ith air gullies, !hich are little hulchbacked demi$kni"es, the iron tool !hereo is t!o inches long, and the !ooden handle one inch thick, and three inches in length, !here!ith the little boys in our country cut ripe !alnuts in t!o !hile they are yet in the shell, and pick out the kernel, and they ound them "ery it or the e?pediting o that !easand$slitting e?ploit. 5n the meantime Friar 7ohn, !ith his ormidable baton o the cross, got to the breach !hich the enemies had made, and there stood to snatch up those that endea"oured to escape. +ome o the monkitos carried the standards, banners, ensigns, guidons, and colours into their cells and chambers to make garters o them. But !hen those that had been shri"en !ould ha"e gone out at the gap o the said breach, the sturdy monk >uashed and elled them do!n !ith blo!s, saying, These men ha"e had con ession and are penitent soulsE they ha"e got their absolution and gained the pardonsE they go into paradise as straight as a sickle, or as the !ay is to Faye @like Crooked$%ane at 1astcheapD. Thus by his pro!ess and "alour !ere discom ited all those o the army that entered into the close o the abbey, unto the number o thirteen thousand, si? hundred, t!enty and t!o, besides the !omen and little children, !hich is al!ays to be understood. 9e"er did <augis the (ermit bear himsel more "aliantly !ith his bourdon or pilgrim's sta against the +aracens, o !hom is !ritten in the *cts o the our sons o *ymon, than did this monk against his enemies !ith the sta o the cross.

Chapter 3.II=555. (o! Picrochole stormed and took by assault the rock Clermond, and o Grangousier's un!illingness and a"ersion rom the undertaking o !ar.

;hilst the monk did thus skirmish, as !e ha"e said, against those !hich !ere entered !ithin the close, Picrochole in great haste passed the ord o =ede$$a "ery especial pass$$!ith all his soldiers, and set upon the rock Clermond, !here there !as made him no resistance at allE and, because it !as already night, he resol"ed to >uarter himsel and his army in that to!n, and to re resh himsel o his pugnati"e choler. 5n the morning he stormed and took the bul!arks and castle, !hich a ter!ards he orti ied !ith rampiers, and urnished !ith all ammunition re>uisite, intending to make his retreat there, i he should happen to be other!ise !orstedE or it !as a strong place, both by art and nature, in regard o the stance and situation o it. But let us lea"e them there, and return to our good Gargantua, !ho is at Paris "ery assiduous and earnest at the study o good letters and athletical e?ercitations, and to the good old man Grangousier his ather, !ho a ter supper !armeth his ballocks by a good, clear, great ire, and, !aiting upon the broiling o some chestnuts, is "ery serious in dra!ing scratches on the hearth, !ith a stick burnt at the one end, !here!ith they did stir up the ire, telling to his !i e and the rest o the amily pleasant old stories and tales o ormer times. ;hilst he !as thus employed, one o the shepherds !hich did keep the "ines, named Pillot, came to!ards him, and to the ull related the enormous abuses !hich !ere committed, and the e?cessi"e spoil that !as made by Picrochole, :ing o %erne, upon his lands and territories, and ho! he had pillaged, !asted, and ransacked all the country, e?cept the enclosure at +e"ille, !hich Friar 7ohn des 1ntoumeures to his great honour had preser"edE and that at the same present time the said king !as in the rock Clermond, and there, !ith great industry and circumspection, !as strengthening himsel and his !hole army. (alas, halas, alasL said Grangousier, !hat is this, good peopleK )o 5 dream, or is it true that they tell meK Picrochole, my ancient riend o old time, o my o!n kindred and alliance, comes he to in"ade meK ;hat mo"es himK ;hat pro"okes himK ;hat sets him onK ;hat dri"es him to itK ;ho hath gi"en him this counselK (o, ho, ho, ho, ho, my God, my +a"iour, help me, inspire me, and ad"ise me !hat 5 shall doL 5 protest, 5 s!ear be ore thee, so be thou a"ourable to me, i e"er 5 did him or his subjects any damage or displeasure, or committed any the least robbery in his countryE but, on the contrary, 5 ha"e succoured and supplied him !ith men, money, riendship, and counsel, upon any occasion !herein 5 could be steadable or the impro"ement o his good. That he hath there ore at this nick o time so outraged and !ronged me, it cannot be but by the male"olent and !icked spirit. Good God, thou kno!est my courage, or nothing can be hidden rom thee. 5 perhaps he be gro!n mad, and that thou hast sent him hither to me or the better reco"ery and re$establishment o his brain, grant me po!er and !isdom to bring him to the yoke o thy holy !ill by good discipline. (o, ho, ho, ho, my good people, my riends and my aith ul ser"ants, must 5 hinder you rom helping meK *las, my old age re>uired hence$ or!ard nothing else but rest, and all the days o my li e 5 ha"e laboured or nothing so much as peaceE but no! 5 must, 5 see it !ell, load !ith arms my poor, !eary, and eeble shoulders, and take in my trembling hand the lance and horseman's mace, to succour and protect my honest subjects. Reason !ill ha"e it soE or by their labour am 5 entertained, and !ith their s!eat am 5 nourished, 5, my children and my amily. This not!ithstanding, 5 !ill not undertake !ar, until 5 ha"e irst tried all the !ays and means o peace& that 5 resol"e upon. Then assembled he his council, and proposed the matter as it !as indeed. ;hereupon it !as concluded that they should send some discreet man unto

Picrochole, to kno! !here ore he had thus suddenly broken the peace and in"aded those lands unto !hich he had no right nor title. Furthermore, that they should send or Gargantua, and those under his command, or the preser"ation o the country, and de ence thereo no! at need. *ll this pleased Grangousier "ery !ell, and he commanded that so it should be done. Presently there ore he sent the Bas>ue his lackey to etch Gargantua !ith all diligence, and !rote him as ollo!eth.

Chapter 3.II5I. The tenour o the letter !hich Grangousier !rote to his son Gargantua. The er"ency o thy studies did re>uire that 5 should not in a long time recall thee rom that philosophical rest thou no! enjoyest, i the con idence reposed in our riends and ancient con ederates had not at this present disappointed the assurance o my old age. But seeing such is my atal destiny, that 5 should be no! dis>uieted by those in !hom 5 trusted most, 5 am orced to call thee back to help the people and goods !hich by the right o nature belong unto thee. For e"en as arms are !eak abroad, i there be not counsel at home, so is that study "ain and counsel unpro itable !hich in a due and con"enient time is not by "irtue e?ecuted and put in e ect. <y deliberation is not to pro"oke, but to appease$$not to assault, but to de end$$not to con>uer, but to preser"e my aith ul subjects and hereditary dominions, into !hich Picrochole is entered in a hostile manner !ithout any ground or cause, and rom day to day pursueth his urious enterprise !ith that height o insolence that is intolerable to reeborn spirits. 5 ha"e endea"oured to moderate his tyrannical choler, o ering him all that !hich 5 thought might gi"e him satis actionE and o tentimes ha"e 5 sent lo"ingly unto him to understand !herein, by !hom, and ho! he ound himsel to be !ronged. But o him could 5 obtain no other ans!er but a mere de iance, and that in my lands he did pretend only to the right o a ci"il correspondency and good beha"iour, !hereby 5 kne! that the eternal God hath le t him to the disposure o his o!n ree !ill and sensual appetite$$!hich cannot choose but be !icked, i by di"ine grace it be not continually guided$$and to contain him !ithin his duty, and bring him to kno! himsel , hath sent him hither to me by a grie"ous token. There ore, my belo"ed son, as soon as thou canst, upon sight o these letters, repair hither !ith all diligence, to succour not me so much, !hich ne"ertheless by natural piety thou oughtest to do, as thine o!n people, !hich by reason thou mayest sa"e and preser"e. The e?ploit shall be done !ith as little e usion o blood as may be. *nd, i possible, by means ar more e?pedient, such as military policy, de"ices, and stratagems o !ar, !e shall sa"e all the souls, and send them home as merry as crickets unto their o!n houses. <y dearest son, the peace o 7esus Christ our Redeemer be !ith thee. +alute rom me Ponocrates, Gymnastes, and 1udemon. The t!entieth o +eptember. Thy Father Grangousier.

Chapter 3.III. (o! 8lric Gallet !as sent unto Picrochole. The letters being dictated, signed, and sealed, Grangousier ordained that

8lric Gallet, master o the re>uests, a "ery !ise and discreet man, o !hose prudence and sound judgment he had made trial in se"eral di icult and debate ul matters, @shouldD go unto Picrochole, to sho! !hat had been decreed amongst them. *t the same hour departed the good man Gallet, and ha"ing passed the ord, asked at the miller that d!elt there in !hat condition Picrochole !as& !ho ans!ered him that his soldiers had le t him neither cock nor hen, that they !ere retired and shut up into the rock Clermond, and that he !ould not ad"ise him to go any urther or ear o the scouts, because they !ere enormously urious. ;hich he easily belie"ed, and there ore lodged that night !ith the miller. The ne?t morning he !ent !ith a trumpeter to the gate o the castle, and re>uired the guards he might be admitted to speak !ith the king o some!hat that concerned him. These !ords being told unto the king, he !ould by no means consent that they should open the gateE but, getting upon the top o the bul!ark, said unto the ambassador, ;hat is the ne!s, !hat ha"e you to sayK Then the ambassador began to speak as ollo!eth.

Chapter 3.III5. The speech made by Gallet to Picrochole. There cannot arise amongst men a juster cause o grie than !hen they recei"e hurt and damage !here they may justly e?pect or a"our and good !illE and not !ithout cause, though !ithout reason, ha"e many, a ter they had allen into such a calamitous accident, esteemed this indignity less supportable than the loss o their o!n li"es, in such sort that, i they ha"e not been able by orce o arms nor any other means, by reach o !it or subtlety, to stop them in their course and restrain their ury, they ha"e allen into desperation, and utterly depri"ed themsel"es o this light. 5t is there ore no !onder i :ing Grangousier, my master, be ull o high displeasure and much dis>uieted in mind upon thy outrageous and hostile comingE but truly it !ould be a mar"el i he !ere not sensible o and mo"ed !ith the incomparable abuses and injuries perpetrated by thee and thine upon those o his country, to!ards !hom there hath been no e?ample o inhumanity omitted. ;hich in itsel is to him so grie"ous, or the cordial a ection !here!ith he hath al!ays cherished his subjects, that more it cannot be to any mortal manE yet in this, abo"e human apprehension, is it to him the more grie"ous that these !rongs and sad o ences ha"e been committed by thee and thine, !ho, time out o mind, rom all anti>uity, thou and thy predecessors ha"e been in a continual league and amity !ith him and all his ancestorsE !hich, e"en until this time, you ha"e as sacred together in"iolably preser"ed, kept, and entertained, so !ell, that not he and his only, but the "ery barbarous nations o the Poicte"ins, Bretons, <anceau?, and those that d!ell beyond the isles o the Canaries, and that o 5sabella, ha"e thought it as easy to pull do!n the irmament, and to set up the depths abo"e the clouds, as to make a breach in your allianceE and ha"e been so a raid o it in their enterprises that they ha"e ne"er dared to pro"oke, incense, or endamage the one or ear o the other. 9ay, !hich is more, this sacred league hath so illed the !orld, that there are e! nations at this day inhabiting throughout all the continent and isles o the ocean, !ho ha"e not ambitiously aspired to be recei"ed into it, upon your o!n co"enants and conditions, holding your joint con ederacy in as high esteem as their o!n territories and dominions, in such sort, that rom the memory o man there hath not been either prince or league so !ild and

proud that durst ha"e o ered to in"ade, 5 say not your countries, but not so much as those o your con ederates. *nd i , by rash and heady counsel, they ha"e attempted any ne! design against them, as soon as they heard the name and title o your alliance, they ha"e suddenly desisted rom their enterprises. ;hat rage and madness, there ore, doth no! incite thee, all old alliance in ringed, all amity trod under oot, and all right "iolated, thus in a hostile manner to in"ade his country, !ithout ha"ing been by him or his in anything prejudiced, !ronged, or pro"okedK ;here is aithK ;here is la!K ;here is reasonK ;here is humanityK ;here is the ear o GodK )ost thou think that these atrocious abuses are hidden rom the eternal spirit and the supreme God !ho is the just re!arder o all our undertakingsK 5 thou so think, thou decei"est thysel E or all things shall come to pass as in his incomprehensible judgment he hath appointed. 5s it thy atal destiny, or in luences o the stars, that !ould put an end to thy so long enjoyed ease and restK For that all things ha"e their end and period, so as that, !hen they are come to the superlati"e point o their greatest height, they are in a trice tumbled do!n again, as not being able to abide long in that state. This is the conclusion and end o those !ho cannot by reason and temperance moderate their ortunes and prosperities. But i it be predestinated that thy happiness and ease must no! come to an end, must it needs be by !ronging my king,$$him by !hom thou !ert establishedK 5 thy house must come to ruin, should it there ore in its all crush the heels o him that set it upK The matter is so unreasonable, and so dissonant rom common sense, that hardly can it be concei"ed by human understanding, and altogether incredible unto strangers, till by the certain and undoubted e ects thereo it be made apparent that nothing is either sacred or holy to those !ho, ha"ing emancipated themsel"es rom God and reason, do merely ollo! the per"erse a ections o their o!n depra"ed nature. 5 any !rong had been done by us to thy subjects and dominions$$i !e had a"oured thy ill$!illers$$i !e had not assisted thee in thy need$$i thy name and reputation had been !ounded by us$$or, to speak more truly, i the calumniating spirit, tempting to induce thee to e"il, had, by alse illusions and deceit ul antasies, put into thy conceit the impression o a thought that !e had done unto thee anything un!orthy o our ancient correspondence and riendship, thou oughtest irst to ha"e in>uired out the truth, and a ter!ards by a seasonable !arning to admonish us thereo E and !e should ha"e so satis ied thee, according to thine o!n heart's desire, that thou shouldst ha"e had occasion to be contented. But, ' eternal God, !hat is thy enterpriseK ;ouldst thou, like a per idious tyrant, thus spoil and lay !aste my master's kingdomK (ast thou ound him so silly and blockish, that he !ould not$$or so destitute o men and money, o counsel and skill in military discipline, that he cannot !ithstand thy unjust in"asionK <arch hence presently, and to$morro!, some time o the day, retreat unto thine o!n country, !ithout doing any kind o "iolence or disorderly act by the !ayE and pay !ithal a thousand besans o gold @!hich, in 1nglish money, amounteth to i"e thousand poundsD, or reparation o the damages thou hast done in this country. (al thou shalt pay to$morro!, and the other hal at the ides o <ay ne?t coming, lea"ing !ith us in the mean time, or hostages, the )ukes o Turnbank, %o!buttock, and +malltrash, together !ith the Prince o 5tches and =iscount o +natchbit @Tournemoule, Bas$de$ esses, <enuail, Gratelles, <orpiaille.D.

Chapter 3.III55. (o! Grangousier, to buy peace, caused the cakes to be restored.

;ith that the good man Gallet held his peace, but Picrochole to all his discourse ans!ered nothing but Come and etch them, come and etch them, $$they ha"e ballocks air and so t,$$they !ill knead and pro"ide some cakes or you. Then returned he to Grangousier, !hom he ound upon his knees bareheaded, crouching in a little corner o his cabinet, and humbly praying unto God that he !ould "ouchsa e to assuage the choler o Picrochole, and bring him to the rule o reason !ithout proceeding by orce. ;hen the good man came back, he asked him, (a, my riend, !hat ne!s do you bring meK There is neither hope nor remedy, said GalletE the man is >uite out o his !its, and orsaken o God. #ea, but, said Grangousier, my riend, !hat cause doth he pretend or his outragesK (e did not sho! me any cause at all, said Gallet, only that in a great anger he spoke some !ords o cakes. 5 cannot tell i they ha"e done any !rong to his cake$bakers. 5 !ill kno!, said Grangousier, the matter thoroughly, be ore 5 resol"e any more upon !hat is to be done. Then sent he to learn concerning that business, and ound by true in ormation that his men had taken "iolently some cakes rom Picrochole's people, and that <ar>uet's head !as broken !ith a slacky or short cudgelE that, ne"ertheless, all !as !ell paid, and that the said <ar>uet had irst hurt Forgier !ith a stroke o his !hip ath!art the legs. *nd it seemed good to his !hole council, that he should de end himsel !ith all his might. 9ot!ithstanding all this, said Grangousier, seeing the >uestion is but about a e! cakes, 5 !ill labour to content himE or 5 am "ery un!illing to !age !ar against him. (e in>uired then !hat >uantity o cakes they had taken a!ay, and understanding that it !as but some our or i"e doHen, he commanded i"e cartloads o them to be baked that same nightE and that there should be one ull o cakes made !ith ine butter, ine yolks o eggs, ine sa ron, and ine spice, to be besto!ed upon <ar>uet, unto !hom like!ise he directed to be gi"en se"en hundred thousand and three Philips @that is, at three shillings the piece, one hundred i"e thousand pounds and nine shillings o 1nglish moneyD, or reparation o his losses and hindrances, and or satis action o the chirurgeon that had dressed his !oundE and urthermore settled upon him and his or e"er in reehold the apple$orchard called %a Pomardiere. For the con"eyance and passing o all !hich !as sent Gallet, !ho by the !ay as they !ent made them gather near the !illo!$trees great store o boughs, canes, and reeds, !here!ith all the carriers !ere enjoined to garnish and deck their carts, and each o them to carry one in his hand, as himsel like!ise did, thereby to gi"e all men to understand that they demanded but peace, and that they came to buy it. Being come to the gate, they re>uired to speak !ith Picrochole rom Grangousier. Picrochole !ould not so much as let them in, nor go to speak !ith them, but sent them !ord that he !as busy, and that they should deli"er their mind to Captain Tou>uedillon, !ho !as then planting a piece o ordnance upon the !all. Then said the good man unto him, <y lord, to ease you o all this labour, and to take a!ay all e?cuses !hy you may not return unto our ormer alliance, !e do here presently restore unto you the cakes upon !hich the >uarrel arose. Fi"e doHen did our people take a!ay& they !ere !ell paid or& !e lo"e peace so !ell that !e restore unto you i"e cartloads, o !hich this cart shall be or <ar>uet, !ho doth most complain. Besides, to content him entirely, here are se"en hundred thousand and three Philips, !hich 5 deli"er to him, and, or the losses he may pretend to ha"e sustained, 5 resign or e"er the arm o the Pomardiere, to be possessed in ee$simple by him and his or e"er, !ithout the payment o any duty, or ackno!ledgement o homage, ealty, ine, or ser"ice !hatsoe"er, and here is the tenour o the deed. *nd, or God's

sake, let us li"e hence or!ard in peace, and !ithdra! yoursel"es merrily into your o!n country rom !ithin this place, unto !hich you ha"e no right at all, as yoursel"es must needs con ess, and let us be good riends as be ore. Tou>uedillon related all this to Picrochole, and more and more e?asperated his courage, saying to him, These clo!ns are a raid to some purpose. By G$$, Grangousier conskites himsel or ear, the poor drinker. (e is not skilled in !ar are, nor hath he any stomach or it. (e kno!s better ho! to empty the lagons,$$that is his art. 5 am o opinion that it is it !e send back the carts and the money, and, or the rest, that "ery speedily !e orti y oursel"es here, then prosecute our ortune. But !hatL )o they think to ha"e to do !ith a ninny!hoop, to eed you thus !ith cakesK #ou may see !hat it is. The good usage and great amiliarity !hich you ha"e had !ith them hereto ore hath made you contemptible in their eyes. *noint a "illain, he !ill prick you& prick a "illain, and he !ill anoint you @8ngentem pungit, pungentem rusticus ungit.D. +a, sa, sa, said Picrochole, by +t. 7ames you ha"e gi"en a true character o them. 'ne thing 5 !ill ad"ise you, said Tou>uedillon. ;e are here but badly "ictualled, and urnished !ith mouth$harness "ery slenderly. 5 Grangousier should come to besiege us, 5 !ould go presently, and pluck out o all your soldiers' heads and mine o!n all the teeth, e?cept three to each o us, and !ith them alone !e should make an end o our pro"ision but too soon. ;e shall ha"e, said Picrochole, but too much sustenance and eeding$stu . Came !e hither to eat or to ightK To ight, indeed, said Tou>uedillonE yet rom the paunch comes the dance, and !here amine rules orce is e?iled. %ea"e o your prating, said Picrochole, and orth!ith seiHe upon !hat they ha"e brought. Then took they money and cakes, o?en and carts, and sent them a!ay !ithout speaking one !ord, only that they !ould come no more so near, or a reason that they !ould gi"e them the morro! a ter. Thus, !ithout doing anything, returned they to Grangousier, and related the !hole matter unto him, subjoining that there !as no hope le t to dra! them to peace but by sharp and ierce !ars.

Chapter 3.III555. (o! some statesmen o Picrochole, by hairbrained counsel, put him in e?treme danger. The carts being unloaded, and the money and cakes secured, there came be ore Picrochole the )uke o +malltrash, the 1arl +!ashbuckler, and Captain )irt$tail @<enuail, +padassin, <erdaille.D, !ho said unto him, +ir, this day !e make you the happiest, the most !arlike and chi"alrous prince that e"er !as since the death o *le?ander o <acedonia. Be co"ered, be co"ered, said Picrochole. Gramercy, said they, !e do but our duty. The manner is thus. #ou shall lea"e some captain here to ha"e the charge o this garrison, !ith a party competent or keeping o the place, !hich, besides its natural strength, is made stronger by the rampiers and ortresses o your de"ising. #our army you are to di"ide into t!o parts, as you kno! "ery !ell ho! to do. 'ne part thereo shall all upon Grangousier and his orces. By it shall he be easily at the "ery irst shock routed, and then shall you get money by heaps, or the clo!n hath store o ready coin. Clo!n !e call him, because a noble and generous prince hath ne"er a penny, and that to hoard up treasure is but a clo!nish trick. The other part o the army, in the meantime, shall dra! to!ards 'nys, Iaintonge, *ngomois, and Gascony. Then march to Perigot, <edoc, and

1lanes, taking !here"er you come, !ithout resistance, to!ns, castles, and ortsE a ter!ards to Bayonne, +t. 7ohn de %uc, to Fontarabia, !here you shall seiHe upon all the ships, and coasting along Galicia and Portugal, shall pillage all the maritime places, e"en unto %isbon, !here you shall be supplied !ith all necessaries be itting a con>ueror. By copsody, +pain !ill yield, or they are but a race o loobies. Then are you to pass by the +traits o Gibraltar, !here you shall erect t!o pillars more stately than those o (ercules, to the perpetual memory o your name, and the narro! entrance there shall be called the Picrocholinal sea. (a"ing passed the Picrocholinal sea, behold, Barbarossa yields himsel your sla"e. 5 !ill, said Picrochole, gi"e him air >uarter and spare his li e. #ea, said they, so that he be content to be christened. *nd you shall con>uer the kingdoms o Tunis, o (ippo, *rgier, Bomine @BonaD, Corone, yea, all Barbary. Furthermore, you shall take into your hands <ajorca, <inorca, +ardinia, Corsica, !ith the other islands o the %igustic and Balearian seas. Going alongst on the le t hand, you shall rule all Gallia 9arbonensis, Pro"ence, the *llobrogians, Genoa, Florence, %ucca, and then God b'!'ye, Rome. @'ur poor <onsieur the Pope dies no! or ear.D By my aith, said Picrochole, 5 !ill not then kiss his pantou le. 5taly being thus taken, behold 9aples, Calabria, *pulia, and +icily, all ransacked, and <alta too. 5 !ish the pleasant :nights o the Rhodes hereto ore !ould but come to resist you, that !e might see their urine. 5 !ould, said Picrochole, "ery !illingly go to %oretto. 9o, no, said they, that shall be at our return. From thence !e !ill sail east!ards, and take Candia, Cyprus, Rhodes, and the Cyclade 5slands, and set upon @theD <orea. 5t is ours, by +t. Trenian. The %ord preser"e 7erusalemE or the great +oldan is not comparable to you in po!er. 5 !ill then, said he, cause +olomon's temple to be built. 9o, said they, not yet, ha"e a little patience, stay a!hile, be ne"er too sudden in your enterprises. Can you tell !hat 'cta"ian *ugustus saidK Festina lente. 5t is re>uisite that you irst ha"e the %esser *sia, Caria, %ycia, Pamphilia, Cilicia, %ydia, Phrygia, <ysia, Bithynia, CaraHia, +atalia, +amagaria, Castamena, %uga, +a"asta, e"en unto 1uphrates. +hall !e see, said Picrochole, Babylon and <ount +inaiK There is no need, said they, at this time. (a"e !e not hurried up and do!n, tra"elled and toiled enough, in ha"ing trans retted and passed o"er the (ircanian sea, marched alongst the t!o *rmenias and the three *rabiasK *y, by my aith, said he, !e ha"e played the ools, and are undone. (a, poor soulsL ;hat's the matterK said they. ;hat shall !e ha"e, said he, to drink in these desertsK For 7ulian *ugustus !ith his !hole army died there or thirst, as they say. ;e ha"e already, said they, gi"en order or that. 5n the +yriac sea you ha"e nine thousand and ourteen great ships laden !ith the best !ines in the !orld. They arri"ed at Port 7oppa. There they ound t!o$and$t!enty thousand camels and si?teen hundred elephants, !hich you shall ha"e taken at one hunting about +igelmes, !hen you entered into %ybiaE and, besides this, you had all the <ecca cara"an. )id not they urnish you su iciently !ith !ineK #es, but, said he, !e did not drink it resh. By the "irtue, said they, not o a ish, a "aliant man, a con>ueror, !ho pretends and aspires to the monarchy o the !orld, cannot al!ays ha"e his ease. God be thanked that you and your men are come sa e and sound unto the banks o the ri"er Tigris. But, said he, !hat doth that part o our army in the meantime !hich o"erthro!s that un!orthy s!illpot GrangousierK They are not idle, said they. ;e shall meet !ith them by$and$by. They shall ha"e !on you Brittany, 9ormandy, Flanders, (ainault, Brabant, *rtois, (olland, OealandE they ha"e passed the Rhine o"er the bellies o the +!itHers and lans>uenets, and a

party o these hath subdued %u?embourg, %orraine, Champagne, and +a"oy, e"en to %yons, in !hich place they ha"e met !ith your orces returning rom the na"al con>uests o the <editerranean seaE and ha"e rallied again in Bohemia, a ter they had plundered and sacked +ue"ia, ;ittemberg, Ba"aria, *ustria, <ora"ia, and +tyria. Then they set iercely together upon %ubeck, 9or!ay, +!edeland, Rie, )enmark, Gitland, Greenland, the +terlins, e"en unto the roHen sea. This done, they con>uered the 5sles o 'rkney and subdued +cotland, 1ngland, and 5reland. From thence sailing through the sandy sea and by the +armates, they ha"e "an>uished and o"ercome Prussia, Poland, %ithuania, Russia, ;allachia, Transyl"ania, (ungary, Bulgaria, Turkeyland, and are no! at Constantinople. Come, said Picrochole, let us go join !ith them >uickly, or 5 !ill be 1mperor o TrebiHond also. +hall !e not kill all these dogs, Turks and <ahometansK ;hat a de"il should !e do elseK said they. *nd you shall gi"e their goods and lands to such as shall ha"e ser"ed you honestly. Reason, said he, !ill ha"e it so, that is but just. 5 gi"e unto you the Caramania, +uria, and all the Palestine. (a, sir, said they, it is out o your goodnessE gramercy, !e thank you. God grant you may al!ays prosper. There !as there present at that time an old gentleman !ell e?perienced in the !ars, a stern soldier, and !ho had been in many great haHards, named 1chephron, !ho, hearing this discourse, said, 5 do greatly doubt that all this enterprise !ill be like the tale or interlude o the pitcher ull o milk !here!ith a shoemaker made himsel rich in conceitE but, !hen the pitcher !as broken, he had not !hereupon to dine. ;hat do you pretend by these large con>uestsK ;hat shall be the end o so many labours and crossesK Thus it shall be, said Picrochole, that !hen !e are returned !e shall sit do!n, rest, and be merry. But, said 1chephron, i by chance you should ne"er come back, or the "oyage is long and dangerous, !ere it not better or us to take our rest no!, than unnecessarily to e?pose oursel"es to so many dangersK ', said +!ashbuckler, by G$$, here is a good dotardE come, let us go hide oursel"es in the corner o a chimney, and there spend the !hole time o our li e amongst ladies, in threading o pearls, or spinning, like +ardanapalus. (e that nothing "entures hath neither horse nor mule, says +olomon. (e !ho ad"entureth too much, said 1chephron, loseth both horse and mule, ans!ered <alchon. 1nough, said Picrochole, go or!ard. 5 ear nothing but that these de"ilish legions o Grangousier, !hilst !e are in <esopotamia, !ill come on our backs and charge up our rear. ;hat course shall !e then takeK ;hat shall be our remedyK * "ery good one, said )irt$tailE a pretty little commission, !hich you must send unto the <usco"ites, shall bring you into the ield in an instant our hundred and i ty thousand choice men o !ar. 'h that you !ould but make me your lieutenant$general, 5 should or the lightest aults o any in lict great punishments. 5 ret, 5 charge, 5 strike, 5 take, 5 kill, 5 slay, 5 play the de"il. 'n, on, said Picrochole, make haste, my lads, and let him that lo"es me ollo! me.

Chapter 3.III5=. (o! Gargantua le t the city o Paris to succour his country, and ho! Gymnast encountered !ith the enemy. 5n this same "ery hour Gargantua, !ho !as gone out o Paris as soon as he had read his ather's letters, coming upon his great mare, had already passed the 9unnery$bridge, himsel , Ponocrates, Gymnast, and 1udemon, !ho all three, the better to enable them to go along !ith him, took post$horses. The rest o his train came a ter him by e"en journeys at a

slo!er pace, bringing !ith them all his books and philosophical instruments. *s soon as he had alighted at Parille, he !as in ormed by a armer o Gouguet ho! Picrochole had orti ied himsel !ithin the rock Clermond, and had sent Captain Tripet !ith a great army to set upon the !ood o =ede and =augaudry, and that they had already plundered the !hole country, not lea"ing cock nor hen, e"en as ar as to the !inepress o Billard. These strange and almost incredible ne!s o the enormous abuses thus committed o"er all the land, so a righted Gargantua that he kne! not !hat to say nor do. But Ponocrates counselled him to go unto the %ord o =auguyon, !ho at all times had been their riend and con ederate, and that by him they should be better ad"ised in their business. ;hich they did incontinently, and ound him "ery !illing and ully resol"ed to assist them, and there ore !as o opinion that they should send some one o his company to scout along and disco"er the country, to learn in !hat condition and posture the enemy !as, that they might take counsel, and proceed according to the present occasion. Gymnast o ered himsel to go. ;hereupon it !as concluded, that or his sa ety and the better e?pedition, he should ha"e !ith him someone that kne! the !ays, a"enues, turnings, !indings, and ri"ers thereabout. Then a!ay !ent he and Prelingot, the e>uerry or gentleman o =auguyon's horse, !ho scouted and espied as narro!ly as they could upon all >uarters !ithout any ear. 5n the meantime Gargantua took a little re reshment, ate some!hat himsel , the like did those !ho !ere !ith him, and caused to gi"e to his mare a picotine o oats, that is, three score and ourteen >uarters and three bushels. Gymnast and his comrade rode so long, that at last they met !ith the enemy's orces, all scattered and out o order, plundering, stealing, robbing, and pillaging all they could lay their hands on. *nd, as ar o as they could percei"e him, they ran thronging upon the back o one another in all haste to!ards him, to unload him o his money, and untruss his portmantles. Then cried he out unto them, <y masters, 5 am a poor de"il, 5 desire you to spare me. 5 ha"e yet one cro!n le t. Come, !e must drink it, or it is aurum potabile, and this horse here shall be sold to pay my !elcome. * ter!ards take me or one o your o!n, or ne"er yet !as there any man that kne! better ho! to take, lard, roast, and dress, yea, by G$$, to tear asunder and de"our a hen, than 5 that am here& and or my pro iciat 5 drink to all good ello!s. ;ith that he unscre!ed his borracho @!hich !as a great )utch leathern bottleD, and !ithout putting in his nose drank "ery honestly. The marou le rogues looked upon him, opening their throats a oot !ide, and putting out their tongues like greyhounds, in hopes to drink a ter himE but Captain Tripet, in the "ery nick o that their e?pectation, came running to him to see !ho it !as. To him Gymnast o ered his bottle, saying, (old, captain, drink boldly and spare notE 5 ha"e been thy taster, it is !ine o %a Faye <onjau. ;hatL said Tripet, this ello! gibes and louts usK ;ho art thouK said Tripet. 5 am, said Gymnast, a poor de"il @pau"re diableD. (a, said Tripet, seeing thou art a poor de"il, it is reason that thou shouldst be permitted to go !hithersoe"er thou !ilt, or all poor de"ils pass e"ery!here !ithout toll or ta?. But it is not the custom o poor de"ils to be so !ell mountedE there ore, sir de"il, come do!n, and let me ha"e your horse, and i he do not carry me !ell, you, master de"il, must do it& or 5 lo"e a li e that such a de"il as you should carry me a!ay.

Chapter 3.III=. (o! Gymnast "ery souply and cunningly killed Captain Tripet and others o Picrochole's men.

;hen they heard these !ords, some amongst them began to be a raid, and blessed themsel"es !ith both hands, thinking indeed that he had been a de"il disguised, insomuch that one o them, named Good 7ohn, captain o the trained bands o the country bumpkins, took his psalter out o his codpiece, and cried out aloud, (agios ho theos. 5 thou be o God, speakE i thou be o the other spirit, a"oid hence, and get thee going. #et he !ent not a!ay. ;hich !ords being heard by all the soldiers that !ere there, di"ers o them being a little in!ardly terri ied, departed rom the place. *ll this did Gymnast "ery !ell remark and consider, and there ore making as i he !ould ha"e alighted rom o his horse, as he !as poising himsel on the mounting side, he most nimbly, !ith his short s!ord by his thigh, shi ting his oot in the stirrup, per ormed the stirrup$leather eat, !hereby, a ter the inclining o his body do!n!ards, he orth!ith launched himsel alo t in the air, and placed both his eet together on the saddle, standing upright !ith his back turned to!ards the horse's head. 9o!, said he, my case goes back!ard. Then suddenly in the same "ery posture !herein he !as, he etched a gambol upon one oot, and, turning to the le t hand, ailed not to carry his body per ectly round, just into its ormer stance, !ithout missing one jot. (a, said Tripet, 5 !ill not do that at this time, and not !ithout cause. ;ell, said Gymnast, 5 ha"e ailed, 5 !ill undo this leap. Then !ith a mar"ellous strength and agility, turning to!ards the right hand, he etched another risking gambol as be ore, !hich done, he set his right$hand thumb upon the hind$bo! o the saddle, raised himsel up, and sprung in the air, poising and upholding his !hole body upon the muscle and ner"e o the said thumb, and so turned and !hirled himsel about three times. *t the ourth, re"ersing his body, and o"erturning it upside do!n, and oreside back, !ithout touching anything, he brought himsel bet!i?t the horse's t!o ears, springing !ith all his body into the air, upon the thumb o his le t hand, and in that posture, turning like a !indmill, did most acti"ely do that trick !hich is called the miller's pass. * ter this, clapping his right hand lat upon the middle o the saddle, he ga"e himsel such a jerking s!ing that he thereby seated himsel upon the crupper, a ter the manner o gentle!omen sitting on horseback. This done, he easily passed his right leg o"er the saddle, and placed himsel like one that rides in croup. But, said he, it !ere better or me to get into the saddleE then putting the thumbs o both hands upon the crupper be ore him, and thereupon leaning himsel , as upon the only supporters o his body, he incontinently turned heels o"er head in the air, and straight ound himsel bet!i?t the bo! o the saddle in a good settlement. Then !ith a somersault springing into the air again, he ell to stand !ith both his eet close together upon the saddle, and there made abo"e a hundred risks, turns, and demipommads, !ith his arms held out across, and in so doing cried out aloud, 5 rage, 5 rage, de"ils, 5 am stark mad, de"ils, 5 am mad, hold me, de"ils, hold me, hold, de"ils, hold, holdL ;hilst he !as thus "aulting, the rogues in great astonishment said to one another, By cock's death, he is a goblin or a de"il thus disguised. *b hoste maligno libera nos, )omine, and ran a!ay in a ull light, as i they had been routed, looking no! and then behind them, like a dog that carrieth a!ay a goose$!ing in his mouth. Then Gymnast, spying his ad"antage, alighted rom his horse, dre! his s!ord, and laid on great blo!s upon the thickset and highest crested among them, and o"erthre! them in great heaps, hurt, !ounded, and bruised, being resisted by nobody, they thinking he had been a star"ed de"il, as !ell in regard o his !onder ul eats in "aulting, !hich they had seen, as or the talk Tripet had !ith him, calling him poor de"il. 'nly Tripet !ould ha"e traitorously cle t his head !ith his horseman's s!ord, or lance$knight alchionE but he !as !ell armed, and elt

nothing o the blo! but the !eight o the stroke. ;hereupon, turning suddenly about, he ga"e Tripet a home$thrust, and upon the back o that, !hilst he !as about to !ard his head rom a slash, he ran him in at the breast !ith a hit, !hich at once cut his stomach, the i th gut called the colon, and the hal o his li"er, !here!ith he ell to the ground, and in alling gushed orth abo"e our pottles o pottage, and his soul mingled !ith the pottage. This done, Gymnast !ithdre! himsel , "ery !isely considering that a case o great ad"enture and haHard should not be pursued unto its utmost period, and that it becomes all ca"aliers modestly to use their good ortune, !ithout troubling or stretching it too ar. ;here ore, getting to horse, he ga"e him the spur, taking the right !ay unto =auguyon, and Prelinguand !ith him.

Chapter 3.III=5. (o! Gargantua demolished the castle at the ord o =ede, and ho! they passed the ord. *s soon as he came, he related the estate and condition !herein they had ound the enemy, and the stratagem !hich he alone had used against all their multitude, a irming that they !ere but rascally rogues, plunderers, thie"es, and robbers, ignorant o all military discipline, and that they might boldly set or!ard unto the ieldE it being an easy matter to ell and strike them do!n like beasts. Then Gargantua mounted his great mare, accompanied as !e ha"e said be ore, and inding in his !ay a high and great tree, !hich commonly !as called by the name o +t. <artin's tree, because hereto ore +t. <artin planted a pilgrim's sta there, !hich in tract o time gre! to that height and greatness, said, This is that !hich 5 lackedE this tree shall ser"e me both or a sta and lance. ;ith that he pulled it up easily, plucked o the boughs, and trimmed it at his pleasure. 5n the meantime his mare pissed to ease her belly, but it !as in such abundance that it did o"er lo! the country se"en leagues, and all the piss o that urinal lood ran glib a!ay to!ards the ord o =ede, !here!ith the !ater !as so s!ollen that all the orces the enemy had there !ere !ith great horror dro!ned, e?cept some !ho had taken the !ay on the le t hand to!ards the hills. Gargantua, being come to the place o the !ood o =ede, !as in ormed by 1udemon that there !as some remainder o the enemy !ithin the castle, !hich to kno!, Gargantua cried out as loud as he !as able, *re you there, or are you not thereK 5 you be there, be there no moreE and i you are not there, 5 ha"e no more to say. But a ru ian gunner, !hose charge !as to attend the portcullis o"er the gate, let ly a cannon$ball at him, and hit him !ith that shot most uriously on the right temple o his head, yet did him no more hurt than i he had but cast a prune or kernel o a !ine$grape at him. ;hat is thisK said GargantuaE do you thro! at us grape$kernels hereK The "intage shall cost you dearE thinking indeed that the bullet had been the kernel o a grape, or raisin$kernel. Those !ho !ere !ithin the castle, being till then busy at the pillage, !hen they heard this noise ran to the to!ers and ortresses, rom !hence they shot at him abo"e nine thousand and i"e$and$t!enty alconshot and ar>uebusades, aiming all at his head, and so thick did they shoot at him that he cried out, Ponocrates, my riend, these lies here are like to put out mine eyesE gi"e me a branch o those !illo!$trees to dri"e them a!ay,

thinking that the bullets and stones shot out o the great ordnance had been but dun lies. Ponocrates looked and sa! that there !ere no other lies but great shot !hich they had shot rom the castle. Then !as it that he rushed !ith his great tree against the castle, and !ith mighty blo!s o"erthre! both to!ers and ortresses, and laid all le"el !ith the ground, by !hich means all that !ere !ithin !ere slain and broken in pieces. Going rom thence, they came to the bridge at the mill, !here they ound all the ord co"ered !ith dead bodies, so thick that they had choked up the mill and stopped the current o its !ater, and these !ere those that !ere destroyed in the urinal deluge o the mare. There they !ere at a stand, consulting ho! they might pass !ithout hindrance by these dead carcasses. But Gymnast said, 5 the de"ils ha"e passed there, 5 !ill pass !ell enough. The de"ils ha"e passed there, said 1udemon, to carry a!ay the damned souls. By +t. TreignanL said Ponocrates, then by necessary conse>uence he shall pass there. #es, yes, said Gymnastes, or 5 shall stick in the !ay. Then setting spurs to his horse, he passed through reely, his horse not earing nor being anything a righted at the sight o the dead bodiesE or he had accustomed him, according to the doctrine o *elian, not to ear armour, nor the carcasses o dead menE and that not by killing men as )iomedes did the Thracians, or as 8lysses did in thro!ing the corpses o his enemies at his horse's eet, as (omer saith, but by putting a 7ack$a$lent amongst his hay, and making him go o"er it ordinarily !hen he ga"e him his oats. The other three ollo!ed him "ery close, e?cept 1udemon only, !hose horse's ore$right or ar ore oot sank up to the knee in the paunch o a great at chu !ho lay there upon his back dro!ned, and could not get it out. There !as he pestered, until Gargantua, !ith the end o his sta , thrust do!n the rest o the "illain's tripes into the !ater !hilst the horse pulled out his ootE and, !hich is a !onder ul thing in hippiatry, the said horse !as thoroughly cured o a ringbone !hich he had in that oot by this touch o the burst guts o that great looby.

Chapter 3.III=55. (o! Gargantua, in combing his head, made the great cannon$balls all out o his hair. Being come out o the ri"er o =ede, they came "ery shortly a ter to Grangousier's castle, !ho !aited or them !ith great longing. *t their coming they !ere entertained !ith many congees, and cherished !ith embraces. 9e"er !as seen a more joy ul company, or +upplementum +upplementi Chronicorum saith that Gargamelle died there !ith joyE or my part, truly 5 cannot tell, neither do 5 care "ery much or her, nor or anybody else. The truth !as, that Gargantua, in shi ting his clothes, and combing his head !ith a comb, !hich !as nine hundred oot long o the 7e!ish cane measure, and !hereo the teeth !ere great tusks o elephants, !hole and entire, he made all at e"ery rake abo"e se"en balls o bullets, at a doHen the ball, that stuck in his hair at the raHing o the castle o the !ood o =ede. ;hich his ather Grangousier seeing, thought they had been lice, and said unto him, ;hat, my dear son, hast thou brought us this ar some short$!inged ha!ks o the college o <ontagueK 5 did not mean that thou shouldst reside there. Then ans!ered Ponocrates, <y so"ereign lord, think not that 5 ha"e placed him in that lousy college !hich they call <ontagueE 5 had rather ha"e put him amongst the gra"e$diggers o +anct 5nnocent, so enormous is the cruelty and "illainy that 5 ha"e kno!n there& or the galley$sla"es are ar better used amongst the <oors and Tartars,

the murderers in the criminal dungeons, yea, the "ery dogs in your house, than are the poor !retched students in the a oresaid college. *nd i 5 !ere :ing o Paris, the de"il take me i 5 !ould not set it on ire, and burn both principal and regents, or su ering this inhumanity to be e?ercised be ore their eyes. Then, taking up one o these bullets, he said, These are cannon$shot, !hich your son Gargantua hath lately recei"ed by the treachery o your enemies, as he !as passing be ore the !ood o =ede. But they ha"e been so re!arded, that they are all destroyed in the ruin o the castle, as !ere the Philistines by the policy o +amson, and those !hom the to!er o +ilohim sle!, as it is !ritten in the thirteenth o %uke. <y opinion is, that !e pursue them !hilst the luck is on our sideE or occasion hath all her hair on her oreheadE !hen she is passed, you may not recall her,$$she hath no tu t !hereby you can lay hold on her, or she is bald in the hind$part o her head, and ne"er returneth again. Truly, said Grangousier, it shall not be at this timeE or 5 !ill make you a east this night, and bid you !elcome. This said, they made ready supper, and, o e?traordinary besides his daily are, !ere roasted si?teen o?en, three hei ers, t!o and thirty cal"es, three score and three at kids, our score and i teen !ethers, three hundred arro! pigs or sheats soused in s!eet !ine or must, ele"en score partridges, se"en hundred snipes and !oodcocks, our hundred %oudun and Corn!all capons, si? thousand pullets, and as many pigeons, si? hundred crammed hens, ourteen hundred le"erets, or young hares and rabbits, three hundred and three buHHards, and one thousand and se"en hundred cockerels. For "enison, they could not so suddenly come by it, only ele"en !ild boars, !hich the *bbot o Turpenay sent, and eighteen allo! deer !hich the %ord o Gramount besto!edE together !ith se"en score pheasants, !hich !ere sent by the %ord o 1ssarsE and some doHens o >ueests, coushats, ringdo"es, and !oodcul"ersE ri"er$ o!l, teals and a!teals, bitterns, courtes, plo"ers, rancolins, briganders, tyrasons, young lap!ings, tame ducks, sho"ellers, !oodlanders, herons, moorhens, criels, storks, canepetiers, oranges, lamans, !hich are phaenicopters, or crimson$!inged sea$ o!ls, terrigoles, turkeys, arbens, coots, solan$geese, curle!s, termagants, and !ater$!agtails, !ith a great deal o cream, curds, and resh cheese, and store o soup, pottages, and bre!is !ith great "ariety. ;ithout doubt there !as meat enough, and it !as handsomely dressed by +napsauce, (otchpot, and Bray"erjuice, Grangousier's cooks. 7enkin Trudgeapace and Cleanglass !ere "ery care ul to ill them drink.

Chapter 3.III=555. (o! Gargantua did eat up si? pilgrims in a salad. The story re>uireth that !e relate that !hich happened unto si? pilgrims !ho came rom +ebastian near to 9antes, and !ho or shelter that night, being a raid o the enemy, had hid themsel"es in the garden upon the chichling peas, among the cabbages and lettuces. Gargantua inding himsel some!hat dry, asked !hether they could get any lettuce to make him a saladE and hearing that there !ere the greatest and airest in the country, or they !ere as great as plum$trees or as !alnut$trees, he !ould go thither himsel , and brought thence in his hand !hat he thought good, and !ithal carried a!ay the si? pilgrims, !ho !ere in so great ear that they did not

dare to speak nor cough. ;ashing them, there ore, irst at the ountain, the pilgrims said one to another so tly, ;hat shall !e doK ;e are almost dro!ned here amongst these lettuce, shall !e speakK But i !e speak, he !ill kill us or spies. *nd, as they !ere thus deliberating !hat to do, Gargantua put them !ith the lettuce into a platter o the house, as large as the huge tun o the ;hite Friars o the Cistercian orderE !hich done, !ith oil, "inegar, and salt, he ate them up, to re resh himsel a little be ore supper, and had already s!allo!ed up i"e o the pilgrims, the si?th being in the platter, totally hid under a lettuce, e?cept his bourdon or sta that appeared, and nothing else. ;hich Grangousier seeing, said to Gargantua, 5 think that is the horn o a shell$snail, do not eat it. ;hy notK said Gargantua, they are good all this month& !hich he no sooner said, but, dra!ing up the sta , and there!ith taking up the pilgrim, he ate him "ery !ell, then drank a terrible draught o e?cellent !hite !ine. The pilgrims, thus de"oured, made shi t to sa"e themsel"es as !ell as they could, by !ithdra!ing their bodies out o the reach o the grinders o his teeth, but could not escape rom thinking they had been put in the lo!est dungeon o a prison. *nd !hen Gargantua !hi ed the great draught, they thought to ha"e been dro!ned in his mouth, and the lood o !ine had almost carried them a!ay into the gul o his stomach. 9e"ertheless, skipping !ith their bourdons, as +t. <ichael's palmers use to do, they sheltered themsel"es rom the danger o that inundation under the banks o his teeth. But one o them by chance, groping or sounding the country !ith his sta , to try !hether they !ere in sa ety or no, struck hard against the cle t o a hollo! tooth, and hit the mandibulary sine! or ner"e o the ja!, !hich put Gargantua to "ery great pain, so that he began to cry or the rage that he elt. To ease himsel there ore o his smarting ache, he called or his toothpicker, and rubbing to!ards a young !alnut$tree, !here they lay skulking, unnestled you my gentlemen pilgrims. For he caught one by the legs, another by the scrip, another by the pocket, another by the scar , another by the band o the breeches, and the poor ello! that had hurt him !ith the bourdon, him he hooked to him by the codpiece, !hich snatch ne"ertheless did him a great deal o good, or it pierced unto him a pocky botch he had in the groin, !hich grie"ously tormented him e"er since they !ere past *ncenis. The pilgrims, thus dislodged, ran a!ay ath!art the plain a pretty ast pace, and the pain ceased, e"en just at the time !hen by 1udemon he !as called to supper, or all !as ready. 5 !ill go then, said he, and piss a!ay my mis ortuneE !hich he did do in such a copious measure, that the urine taking a!ay the eet rom the pilgrims, they !ere carried along !ith the stream unto the bank o a tu t o trees. 8pon !hich, as soon as they had taken ooting, and that or their sel $preser"ation they had run a little out o the road, they on a sudden ell all si?, e?cept Fourniller, into a trap that had been made to take !ol"es by a train, out o !hich, ne"ertheless, they escaped by the industry o the said Fourniller, !ho broke all the snares and ropes. Being gone rom thence, they lay all the rest o that night in a lodge near unto Coudray, !here they !ere com orted in their miseries by the gracious !ords o one o their company, called +!eer$to$go, !ho sho!ed them that this ad"enture had been oretold by the prophet )a"id, Psalm. Juum e?surgerent homines in nos, orte "i"os deglutissent nosE !hen !e !ere eaten in the salad, !ith salt, oil, and "inegar. Juum irasceretur uror eorum in nos, orsitan a>ua absorbuisset nosE !hen he drank the great draught. Torrentem pertransi"it anima nostraE !hen the stream o his !ater carried us to the thicket. Forsitan pertransisset anima nostra a>uam intolerabilemE that is,

the !ater o his urine, the lood !hereo , cutting our !ay, took our eet rom us. Benedictus )ominus >ui non dedit nos in captionem dentibus eorum. *nima nostra sicut passer erepta est de la>ueo "enantiumE !hen !e ell in the trap. %a>ueus contritus est, by Fourniller, et nos liberati sumus. *djutorium nostrum, Nc.

Chapter 3.III5I. (o! the <onk !as easted by Gargantua, and o the jo"ial discourse they had at supper. ;hen Gargantua !as set do!n at table, a ter all o them had some!hat stayed their stomachs by a snatch or t!o o the irst bits eaten heartily, Grangousier began to relate the source and cause o the !ar raised bet!een him and PicrocholeE and came to tell ho! Friar 7ohn o the Funnels had triumphed at the de ence o the close o the abbey, and e?tolled him or his "alour abo"e Camillus, +cipio, Pompey, Caesar, and Themistocles. Then Gargantua desired that he might be presently sent or, to the end that !ith him they might consult o !hat !as to be done. ;hereupon, by a joint consent, his ste!ard !ent or him, and brought him along merrily, !ith his sta o the cross, upon Grangousier's mule. ;hen he !as come, a thousand huggings, a thousand embracements, a thousand good days !ere gi"en. (a, Friar 7ohn, my riend Friar 7ohn, my bra"e cousin Friar 7ohn rom the de"ilL %et me clip thee, my heart, about the neckE to me an arm ul. 5 must grip thee, my ballock, till thy back crack !ith it. Come, my cod, let me coll thee till 5 kill thee. *nd Friar 7ohn, the gladdest man in the !orld, ne"er !as man made !elcomer, ne"er !as any more courteously and graciously recei"ed than Friar 7ohn. Come, come, said Gargantua, a stool here close by me at this end. 5 am content, said the monk, seeing you !ill ha"e it so. +ome !ater, pageE ill, my boy, illE it is to re resh my li"er. Gi"e me some, child, to gargle my throat !ithal. )eposita cappa, said Gymnast, let us pull o this rock. (o, by G$$, gentlemen, said the monk, there is a chapter in +tatutis 'rdinis !hich opposeth my laying o it do!n. PishL said Gymnast, a ig or your chapterL This rock breaks both your shoulders, put it o . <y riend, said the monk, let me alone !ith itE or, by G$$, 5'll drink the better that it is on. 5t makes all my body jocund. 5 5 should lay it aside, the !aggish pages !ould cut to themsel"es garters out o it, as 5 !as once ser"ed at Coulaines. *nd, !hich is !orse, 5 shall lose my appetite. But i in this habit 5 sit do!n at table, 5 !ill drink, by G$$, both to thee and to thy horse, and so courage, rolic, God sa"e the companyL 5 ha"e already supped, yet !ill 5 eat ne"er a !hit the less or thatE or 5 ha"e a pa"ed stomach, as hollo! as a butt o mal"oisie or +t. Benedictus' boot @buttD, and al!ays open like a la!yer's pouch. ' all ishes but the tench take the !ing o a partridge or the thigh o a nun. )oth not he die like a good ello! that dies !ith a sti catsoK 'ur prior lo"es e?ceedingly the !hite o a capon. 5n that, said Gymnast, he doth not resemble the o?esE or o the capons, hens, and pullets !hich they carry a!ay they ne"er eat the !hite. ;hyK said the monk. Because, said Gymnast, they ha"e no cooks to dress themE and, i they be not competently made ready, they remain red and not !hiteE the redness o meats being a token that they ha"e not got enough o the ire, !hether by boiling, roasting, or other!ise, e?cept the shrimps, lobsters, crabs, and cray ishes, !hich are cardinaliHed !ith boiling. By God's east$gaHers, said the monk, the porter o our abbey then hath not his head !ell boiled, or his eyes are as red as a maHer made o an alder$tree. The

thigh o this le"eret is good or those that ha"e the gout. To the purpose o the truel,$$!hat is the reason that the thighs o a gentle!oman are al!ays resh and coolK This problem, said Gargantua, is neither in *ristotle, in *le?ander *phrodiseus, nor in Plutarch. There are three causes, said the monk, by !hich that place is naturally re reshed. Primo, because the !ater runs all along by it. +ecundo, because it is a shady place, obscure and dark, upon !hich the sun ne"er shines. *nd thirdly, because it is continually labbelled, blo!n upon, and aired by the north !inds o the hole arstick, the an o the smock, and lip lap o the codpiece. *nd lusty, my lads. +ome bousing li>uor, pageL +oL crack, crack, crack. ' ho! good is God, that gi"es us o this e?cellent juiceL 5 call him to !itness, i 5 had been in the time o 7esus Christ, 5 !ould ha"e kept him rom being taken by the 7e!s in the garden o 'li"et. *nd the de"il ail me, i 5 should ha"e ailed to cut o the hams o these gentlemen apostles !ho ran a!ay so basely a ter they had !ell supped, and le t their good master in the lurch. 5 hate that man !orse than poison that o ers to run a!ay !hen he should ight and lay stoutly about him. 'h that 5 !ere but :ing o France or ourscore or a hundred yearsL By G$$, 5 should !hip like curtail$dogs these runa!ays o Pa"ia. * plague take themE !hy did they not choose rather to die there than to lea"e their good prince in that pinch and necessityK 5s it not better and more honourable to perish in ighting "aliantly than to li"e in disgrace by a co!ardly running a!ayK ;e are like to eat no great store o goslings this yearE there ore, riend, reach me some o that roasted pig there. )ia"olo, is there no more mustK 9o more s!eet !ineK Germina"it radi? 7esse. 7e renie ma "ie, je meurs de soi E 5 renounce my li e, 5 rage or thirst. This !ine is none o the !orst. ;hat !ine drink you at ParisK 5 gi"e mysel to the de"il, i 5 did not once keep open house at Paris or all comers si? months together. )o you kno! Friar Claude o the high kilderkinsK 'h the good ello! that he isL But 5 do not kno! !hat ly hath stung him o late, he is become so hard a student. For my part, 5 study not at all. 5n our abbey !e ne"er study or ear o the mumps, !hich disease in horses is called the mourning in the chine. 'ur late abbot !as !ont to say that it is a monstrous thing to see a learned monk. By G$$, master, my riend, <agis magnos clericos non sunt magis magnos sapientes. #ou ne"er sa! so many hares as there are this year. 5 could not any!here come by a gosha!k nor tassel o alcon. <y %ord Belloniere promised me a lanner, but he !rote to me not long ago that he !as become pursy. The partridges !ill so multiply hence orth, that they !ill go near to eat up our ears. 5 take no delight in the stalking$horse, or 5 catch such cold that 5 am like to ounder mysel at that sport. 5 5 do not run, toil, tra"el, and trot about, 5 am not !ell at ease. True it is that in leaping o"er the hedges and bushes my rock lea"es al!ays some o its !ool behind it. 5 ha"e reco"ered a dainty greyhoundE 5 gi"e him to the de"il, i he su er a hare to escape him. * groom !as leading him to my %ord (untlittle, and 5 robbed him o him. )id 5 illK 9o, Friar 7ohn, said Gymnast, no, by all the de"ils that are, noL +o, said the monk, do 5 attest these same de"ils so long as they last, or rather, "irtue @o D G$$, !hat could that gouty limpard ha"e done !ith so ine a dogK By the body o G$$, he is better pleased !hen one presents him !ith a good yoke o o?en. (o! no!, said Ponocrates, you s!ear, Friar 7ohn. 5t is only, said the monk, but to grace and adorn my speech. They are colours o a Ciceronian rhetoric.

Chapter 3.I%. ;hy monks are the outcasts o the !orldE and !here ore some ha"e bigger noses than others. By the aith o a Christian, said 1udemon, 5 do !onder ully dote and enter in a great ecstasy !hen 5 consider the honesty and good ello!ship o this monk, or he makes us here all merry. (o! is it, then, that they e?clude the monks rom all good companies, calling them east$troublers, marrers o mirth, and disturbers o all ci"il con"ersation, as the bees dri"e a!ay the drones rom their hi"esK 5gna"um ucos pecus, said <aro, a praesepibus arcent. (ereunto, ans!ered Gargantua, there is nothing so true as that the rock and co!l dra! unto itsel the opprobries, injuries, and maledictions o the !orld, just as the !ind called Cecias attracts the clouds. The peremptory reason is, because they eat the ordure and e?crements o the !orld, that is to say, the sins o the people, and, like dung$che!ers and e?crementitious eaters, they are cast into the pri"ies and secessi"e places, that is, the con"ents and abbeys, separated rom political con"ersation, as the jakes and retreats o a house are. But i you concei"e ho! an ape in a amily is al!ays mocked and pro"okingly incensed, you shall easily apprehend ho! monks are shunned o all men, both young and old. The ape keeps not the house as a dog doth, he dra!s not in the plough as the o?, he yields neither milk nor !ool as the sheep, he carrieth no burden as a horse doth. That !hich he doth, is only to conskite, spoil, and de ile all, !hich is the cause !here ore he hath o all men mocks, rumperies, and bastinadoes. * ter the same manner a monk$$5 mean those lither, idle, laHy monks$$doth not labour and !ork, as do the peasant and arti icerE doth not !ard and de end the country, as doth the man o !arE cureth not the sick and diseased, as the physician dothE doth neither preach nor teach, as do the e"angelical doctors and schoolmastersE doth not import commodities and things necessary or the common!ealth, as the merchant doth. There ore is it that by and o all men they are hooted at, hated, and abhorred. #ea, but, said Grangousier, they pray to God or us. 9othing less, ans!ered Gargantua. True it is, that !ith a tingle tangle jangling o bells they trouble and dis>uiet all their neighbours about them. Right, said the monkE a mass, a matin, a "esper !ell rung, are hal said. They mumble out great store o legends and psalms, by them not at all understoodE they say many paternosters interlarded !ith *"e$<aries, !ithout thinking upon or apprehending the meaning o !hat it is they say, !hich truly 5 call mocking o God, and not prayers. But so help them God, as they pray or us, and not or being a raid to lose their "ictuals, their manchots, and good at pottage. *ll true Christians, o all estates and conditions, in all places and at all times, send up their prayers to God, and the <ediator prayeth and intercedeth or them, and God is gracious to them. 9o! such a one is our good Friar 7ohnE there ore e"ery man desireth to ha"e him in his company. (e is no bigot or hypocriteE he is not torn and di"ided bet!i?t reality and appearanceE no !retch o a rugged and pee"ish disposition, but honest, jo"ial, resolute, and a good ello!. (e tra"els, he labours, he de ends the oppressed, com orts the a licted, helps the needy, and keeps the close o the abbey. 9ay, said the monk, 5 do a great deal more than thatE or !hilst !e are in despatching our matins and anni"ersaries in the choir, 5 make !ithal some crossbo!$strings, polish glass bottles and bolts, 5 t!ist lines and !ea"e purse nets !herein to catch coneys. 5 am ne"er idle. But no!, hither come, some drink, some drink hereL Bring the ruit. These chestnuts are o the !ood o 1stro?, and !ith good ne! !ine are able

to make you a ine cracker and composer o bum$sonnets. #ou are not as yet, it seems, !ell moistened in this house !ith the s!eet !ine and must. By G$$, 5 drink to all men reely, and at all ords, like a proctor or promoter's horse. Friar 7ohn, said Gymnast, take a!ay the snot that hangs at your nose. (a, ha, said the monk, am not 5 in danger o dro!ning, seeing 5 am in !ater e"en to the noseK 9o, no, JuareK Juia, though some !ater come out rom thence, there ne"er goes in anyE or it is !ell antidoted !ith pot$proo armour and syrup o the "ine$lea . 'h, my riend, he that hath !inter$boots made o such leather may boldly ish or oysters, or they !ill ne"er take !ater. ;hat is the cause, said Gargantua, that Friar 7ohn hath such a air noseK Because, said Grangousier, that God !ould ha"e it so, !ho rameth us in such orm and or such end as is most agreeable !ith his di"ine !ill, e"en as a potter ashioneth his "essels. Because, said Ponocrates, he came !ith the irst to the air o noses, and there ore made choice o the airest and the greatest. Pish, said the monk, that is not the reason o it, but, according to the true monastical philosophy, it is because my nurse had so t teats, by "irtue !hereo , !hilst she ga"e me suck, my nose did sink in as in so much butter. The hard breasts o nurses make children short$nosed. But hey, gay, *d ormam nasi cognoscitur ad te le"a"i. 5 ne"er eat any con ections, page, !hilst 5 am at the bibbery. 5tem, bring me rather some toasts.

Chapter 3.I%5. (o! the <onk made Gargantua sleep, and o his hours and bre"iaries. +upper being ended, they consulted o the business in hand, and concluded that about midnight they should all una!ares upon the enemy, to kno! !hat manner o !atch and !ard they kept, and that in the mean!hile they should take a little rest the better to re resh themsel"es. But Gargantua could not sleep by any means, on !hich side soe"er he turned himsel . ;hereupon the monk said to him, 5 ne"er sleep soundly but !hen 5 am at sermon or prayers. %et us there ore begin, you and 5, the se"en penitential psalms, to try !hether you shall not >uickly all asleep. The conceit pleased Gargantua "ery !ell, and, beginning the irst o these psalms, as soon as they came to the !ords Beati >uorum they ell asleep, both the one and the other. But the monk, or his being ormerly accustomed to the hour o claustral matins, ailed not to a!ake a little be ore midnight, and, being up himsel , a!aked all the rest, in singing aloud, and !ith a ull clear "oice, the song& *!ake, ' Reinian, ho, a!akeL *!ake, ' Reinian, hoL Get up, you no more sleep must takeE Get up, or !e must go. ;hen they !ere all roused and up, he said, <y masters, it is a usual saying, that !e begin matins !ith coughing and supper !ith drinking. %et us no!, in doing clean contrarily, begin our matins !ith drinking, and at night be ore supper !e shall cough as hard as !e can. ;hat, said Gargantua, to drink so soon a ter sleepK This is not to li"e according to the diet and prescript rule o the physicians, or you ought irst to scour and cleanse your stomach o all its super luities and e?crements. 'h, !ell

physicked, said the monkE a hundred de"ils leap into my body, i there be not more old drunkards than old physiciansL 5 ha"e made this paction and co"enant !ith my appetite, that it al!ays lieth do!n and goes to bed !ith mysel , or to that 5 e"ery day gi"e "ery good orderE then the ne?t morning it also riseth !ith me and gets up !hen 5 am a!ake. <ind you your charges, gentlemen, or tend your cures as much as you !ill. 5 !ill get me to my dra!erE in terms o alconry, my tiring. ;hat dra!er or tiring do you meanK said Gargantua. <y bre"iary, said the monk, or just as the alconers, be ore they eed their ha!ks, do make them dra! at a hen's leg to purge their brains o phlegm and sharpen them to a good appetite, so, by taking this merry little bre"iary in the morning, 5 scour all my lungs and am presently ready to drink. * ter !hat manner, said Gargantua, do you say these air hours and prayers o yoursK * ter the manner o ;hip ield @Fessecamp, and corruptly Fecan.D, said the monk, by three psalms and three lessons, or nothing at all, he that !ill. 5 ne"er tie mysel to hours, prayers, and sacramentsE or they are made or the man and not the man or them. There ore is it that 5 make my prayers in ashion o stirrup$leathersE 5 shorten or lengthen them !hen 5 think good. Bre"is oratio penetrat caelos et longa potatio e"acuat scyphos. ;here is that !rittenK By my aith, said Ponocrates, 5 cannot tell, my pillicock, but thou art more !orth than gold. Therein, said the monk, 5 am like youE but, "enite, apotemus. Then made they ready store o carbonadoes, or rashers on the coals, and good at soups, or bre!is !ith sippetsE and the monk drank !hat he pleased. +ome kept him company, and the rest did orbear, or their stomachs !ere not as yet opened. * ter!ards e"ery man began to arm and be it himsel or the ield. *nd they armed the monk against his !illE or he desired no other armour or back and breast but his rock, nor any other !eapon in his hand but the sta o the cross. #et at their pleasure !as he completely armed cap$a$pie, and mounted upon one o the best horses in the kingdom, !ith a good slashing shable by his side, together !ith Gargantua, Ponocrates, Gymnast, 1udemon, and i"e$and$t!enty more o the most resolute and ad"enturous o Grangousier's house, all armed at proo !ith their lances in their hands, mounted like +t. George, and e"eryone o them ha"ing an ar>uebusier behind him.

Chapter 3.I%55. (o! the <onk encouraged his ello!$champions, and ho! he hanged upon a tree. Thus !ent out those "aliant champions on their ad"enture, in ull resolution to kno! !hat enterprise they should undertake, and !hat to take heed o and look !ell to in the day o the great and horrible battle. *nd the monk encouraged them, saying, <y children, do not ear nor doubt, 5 !ill conduct you sa ely. God and +anct Benedict be !ith usL 5 5 had strength ans!erable to my courage, by's death, 5 !ould plume them or you like ducks. 5 ear nothing but the great ordnanceE yet 5 kno! o a charm by !ay o prayer, !hich the subse?ton o our abbey taught me, that !ill preser"e a man rom the "iolence o guns and all manner o ire$!eapons and enginesE but it !ill do me no good, because 5 do not belie"e it. 9e"ertheless, 5 hope my sta o the cross shall this day play de"ilish pranks amongst them. By G$$, !hoe"er o our party shall o er to play the duck, and shrink !hen blo!s are a$dealing, 5 gi"e mysel to the de"il, i 5

do not make a monk o him in my stead, and hamper him !ithin my rock, !hich is a so"ereign cure against co!ardice. )id you ne"er hear o my %ord <eurles his greyhound, !hich !as not !orth a stra! in the ieldsK (e put a rock about his neck& by the body o G$$, there !as neither hare nor o? that could escape him, and, !hich is more, he lined all the bitches in the country, though be ore that he !as eeble$reined and e? rigidis et male iciatis. The monk uttering these !ords in choler, as he passed under a !alnut$tree, in his !ay to!ards the causey, he broached the "iHor o his helmet on the stump o a great branch o the said tree. 9e"ertheless, he set his spurs so iercely to the horse, !ho !as ull o mettle and >uick on the spur, that he bounded or!ards, and the monk going about to ungrapple his "iHor, let go his hold o the bridle, and so hanged by his hand upon the bough, !hilst his horse stole a!ay rom under him. By this means !as the monk le t hanging on the !alnut$tree, and crying or help, murder, murder, s!earing also that he !as betrayed. 1udemon percei"ed him irst, and calling Gargantua said, +ir, come and see *bsalom hanging. Gargantua, being come, considered the countenance o the monk, and in !hat posture he hangedE !here ore he said to 1udemon, #ou !ere mistaken in comparing him to *bsalomE or *bsalom hung by his hair, but this sha"eling monk hangeth by the ears. (elp me, said the monk, in the de"il's nameE is this a time or you to prateK #ou seem to me to be like the decretalist preachers, !ho say that !hosoe"er shall see his neighbour in the danger o death, ought, upon pain o trisulk e?communication, rather choose to admonish him to make his con ession to a priest, and put his conscience in the state o peace, than other!ise to help and relie"e him. *nd there ore !hen 5 shall see them allen into a ri"er, and ready to be dro!ned, 5 shall make them a air long sermon de contemptu mundi, et uga seculiE and !hen they are stark dead, shall then go to their aid and succour in ishing a ter them. Be >uiet, said Gymnast, and stir not, my minion. 5 am no! coming to unhang thee and to set thee at reedom, or thou art a pretty little gentle monachus. <onachus in claustro non "alet o"a duoE sed >uando est e?tra, bene "alet triginta. 5 ha"e seen abo"e i"e hundred hanged, but 5 ne"er sa! any ha"e a better countenance in his dangling and pendilatory s!agging. Truly, i 5 had so good a one, 5 !ould !illingly hang thus all my li etime. ;hat, said the monk, ha"e you almost done preachingK (elp me, in the name o God, seeing you !ill not in the name o the other spirit, or, by the habit !hich 5 !ear, you shall repent it, tempore et loco praelibatis. Then Gymnast alighted rom his horse, and, climbing up the !alnut$tree, li ted up the monk !ith one hand by the gussets o his armour under the armpits, and !ith the other undid his "iHor rom the stump o the broken branchE !hich done, he let him all to the ground and himsel a ter. *s soon as the monk !as do!n, he put o all his armour, and thre! a!ay one piece a ter another about the ield, and, taking to him again his sta o the cross, remounted up to his horse, !hich 1udemon had caught in his running a!ay. Then !ent they on merrily, riding along on the high!ay.

Chapter 3.I%555. (o! the scouts and ore$party o Picrochole !ere met !ith by Gargantua, and ho! the <onk sle! Captain )ra! orth @Tire"ant.D, and then !as taken

prisoner by his enemies. Picrochole, at the relation o those !ho had escaped out o the broil and de eat !herein Tripet !as untriped, gre! "ery angry that the de"ils should ha"e so run upon his men, and held all that night a counsel o !ar, at !hich Rashcal and Touch aucet @(asti"eau, Tou>uedillon.D, concluded his po!er to be such that he !as able to de eat all the de"ils o hell i they should come to jostle !ith his orces. This Picrochole did not ully belie"e, though he doubted not much o it. There ore sent he under the command and conduct o the Count )ra! orth, or disco"ering o the country, the number o si?teen hundred horsemen, all !ell mounted upon light horses or skirmish and thoroughly besprinkled !ith holy !aterE and e"eryone or their ield$mark or cogniHance had the sign o a star in his scar , to ser"e at all ad"entures in case they should happen to encounter !ith de"ils, that by the "irtue, as !ell o that Gregorian !ater as o the stars !hich they !ore, they might make them disappear and e"anish. 5n this e>uipage they made an e?cursion upon the country till they came near to the =auguyon, !hich is the "alley o Guyon, and to the spital, but could ne"er ind anybody to speak untoE !hereupon they returned a little back, and took occasion to pass abo"e the a oresaid hospital to try !hat intelligence they could come by in those parts. 5n !hich resolution riding on, and by chance in a pastoral lodge or shepherd's cottage near to Coudray hitting upon the i"e pilgrims, they carried them !ay$bound and manacled, as i they had been spies, or all the e?clamations, adjurations, and re>uests that they could make. Being come do!n rom thence to!ards +e"ille, they !ere heard by Gargantua, !ho said then unto those that !ere !ith him, Comrades and ello!$soldiers, !e ha"e here met !ith an encounter, and they are ten times in number more than !e. +hall !e charge them or noK ;hat a de"il, said the monk, shall !e do elseK )o you esteem men by their number rather than by their "alour and pro!essK ;ith this he cried out, Charge, de"ils, chargeL ;hich !hen the enemies heard, they thought certainly that they had been "ery de"ils, and there ore e"en then began all o them to run a!ay as hard as they could dri"e, )ra! orth only e?cepted, !ho immediately settled his lance on its rest, and there!ith hit the monk !ith all his orce on the "ery middle o his breast, but, coming against his horri ic rock, the point o the iron being !ith the blo! either broke o or blunted, it !as in matter o e?ecution as i you had struck against an an"il !ith a little !a?$candle. Then did the monk !ith his sta o the cross gi"e him such a sturdy thump and !hirret bet!i?t his neck and shoulders, upon the acromion bone, that he made him lose both sense and motion and all do!n stone dead at his horse's eetE and, seeing the sign o the star !hich he !ore scar !ise, he said unto Gargantua, These men are but priests, !hich is but the beginning o a monkE by +t. 7ohn, 5 am a per ect monk, 5 !ill kill them to you like lies. Then ran he a ter them at a s!i t and ull gallop till he o"ertook the rear, and elled them do!n like tree$lea"es, striking ath!art and alongst and e"ery !ay. Gymnast presently asked Gargantua i they should pursue them. To !hom Gargantua ans!ered, By no meansE or, according to right military discipline, you must ne"er dri"e your enemy unto despair, or that such a strait doth multiply his orce and increase his courage, !hich !as be ore broken and cast do!nE neither is there any better help or outrage o relie or men that are amaHed, out o heart, toiled, and spent, than to hope or no a"our at all. (o! many "ictories ha"e been taken out o the hands o the "ictors by the "an>uished, !hen they !ould not rest satis ied !ith reason, but attempt to put all to the s!ord, and totally to destroy

their enemies, !ithout lea"ing so much as one to carry home ne!s o the de eat o his ello!s. 'pen, there ore, unto your enemies all the gates and !ays, and make to them a bridge o sil"er rather than ail, that you may be rid o them. #ea, but, said Gymnast, they ha"e the monk. (a"e they the monkK said Gargantua. 8pon mine honour, then, it !ill pro"e to their cost. But to pre"ent all dangers, let us not yet retreat, but halt here >uietly as in an ambushE or 5 think 5 do already understand the policy and judgment o our enemies. They are truly more directed by chance and mere ortune than by good ad"ice and counsel. 5n the mean!hile, !hilst these made a stop under the !alnut$trees, the monk pursued on the chase, charging all he o"ertook, and gi"ing >uarter to none, until he met !ith a trooper !ho carried behind him one o the poor pilgrims, and there !ould ha"e ri led him. The pilgrim, in hope o relie at the sight o the monk, cried out, (a, my lord prior, my good riend, my lord prior, sa"e me, 5 beseech you, sa"e meL ;hich !ords being heard by those that rode in the "an, they instantly aced about, and seeing there !as nobody but the monk that made this great ha"oc and slaughter among them, they loaded him !ith blo!s as thick as they use to do an ass !ith !ood. But o all this he elt nothing, especially !hen they struck upon his rock, his skin !as so hard. Then they committed him to t!o o the marshal's men to keep, and, looking about, sa! nobody coming against them, !hereupon they thought that Gargantua and his party !ere led. Then !as it that they rode as hard as they could to!ards the !alnut$trees to meet !ith them, and le t the monk there all alone, !ith his t!o oresaid men to guard him. Gargantua heard the noise and neighing o the horses, and said to his men, Comrades, 5 hear the track and beating o the enemy's horse$ eet, and !ithal percei"e that some o them come in a troop and ull body against us. %et us rally and close here, then set or!ard in order, and by this means !e shall be able to recei"e their charge to their loss and our honour.

Chapter 3.I%5=. (o! the <onk rid himsel o his keepers, and ho! Picrochole's orlorn hope !as de eated. The monk, seeing them break o thus !ithout order, conjectured that they !ere to set upon Gargantua and those that !ere !ith him, and !as !onder ully grie"ed that he could not succour them. Then considered he the countenance o the t!o keepers in !hose custody he !as, !ho !ould ha"e !illingly run a ter the troops to get some booty and plunder, and !ere al!ays looking to!ards the "alley unto !hich they !ere going. Farther, he syllogiHed, saying, These men are but badly skilled in matters o !ar, or they ha"e not re>uired my parole, neither ha"e they taken my s!ord rom me. +uddenly herea ter he dre! his brackmard or horseman's s!ord, !here!ith he ga"e the keeper !hich held him on the right side such a sound slash that he cut clean through the jugulary "eins and the sphagitid or transparent arteries o the neck, !ith the ore$part o the throat called the gargareon, e"en unto the t!o adenes, !hich are throat kernelsE and, redoubling the blo!, he opened the spinal marro! bet!i?t the second and third "ertebrae. There ell do!n that keeper stark dead to the ground. Then the monk, reining his horse to the le t, ran upon the other, !ho, seeing his ello! dead, and the monk to ha"e the ad"antage o him, cried !ith a loud "oice, (a, my lord prior, >uarterE 5 yield, my lord prior, >uarterE >uarter, my good riend, my lord prior. *nd the monk cried like!ise, <y lord posterior, my riend, my lord posterior, you shall ha"e

it upon your posteriorums. (a, said the keeper, my lord prior, my minion, my gentle lord prior, 5 pray God make you an abbot. By the habit, said the monk, !hich 5 !ear, 5 !ill here make you a cardinal. ;hatL do you use to pay ransoms to religious menK #ou shall there ore ha"e by$and$by a red hat o my gi"ing. *nd the ello! cried, (a, my lord prior, my lord prior, my lord abbot that shall be, my lord cardinal, my lord allL (a, ha, hes, no, my lord prior, my good little lord the prior, 5 yield, render and deli"er mysel up to you. *nd 5 deli"er thee, said the monk, to all the de"ils in hell. Then at one stroke he cut o his head, cutting his scalp upon the temple$bones, and li ting up in the upper part o the skull the t!o triangulary bones called sincipital, or the t!o bones bregmatis, together !ith the sagittal commissure or dartlike seam !hich distinguisheth the right side o the head rom the le t, as also a great part o the coronal or orehead bone, by !hich terrible blo! like!ise he cut the t!o meninges or ilms !hich en!rap the brain, and made a deep !ound in the brain's t!o posterior "entricles, and the cranium or skull abode hanging upon his shoulders by the skin o the pericranium behind, in orm o a doctor's bonnet, black !ithout and red !ithin. Thus ell he do!n also to the ground stark dead. *nd presently the monk ga"e his horse the spur, and kept the !ay that the enemy held, !ho had met !ith Gargantua and his companions in the broad high!ay, and !ere so diminished o their number or the enormous slaughter that Gargantua had made !ith his great tree amongst them, as also Gymnast, Ponocrates, 1udemon, and the rest, that they began to retreat disorderly and in great haste, as men altogether a righted and troubled in both sense and understanding, and as i they had seen the "ery proper species and orm o death be ore their eyesE or rather, as !hen you see an ass !ith a briHHe or gadbee under his tail, or ly that stings him, run hither and thither !ithout keeping any path or !ay, thro!ing do!n his load to the ground, breaking his bridle and reins, and taking no breath nor rest, and no man can tell !hat ails him, or they see not anything touch him. +o led these people destitute o !it, !ithout kno!ing any cause o lying, only pursued by a panic terror !hich in their minds they had concei"ed. The monk, percei"ing that their !hole intent !as to betake themsel"es to their heels, alighted rom his horse and got upon a big large rock !hich !as in the !ay, and !ith his great brackmard s!ord laid such load upon those runa!ays, and !ith main strength etching a compass !ith his arm !ithout eigning or sparing, sle! and o"erthre! so many that his s!ord broke in t!o pieces. Then thought he !ithin himsel that he had slain and killed su iciently, and that the rest should escape to carry ne!s. There ore he took up a battle$a?e o those that lay there dead, and got upon the rock again, passing his time to see the enemy thus lying and to tumble himsel amongst the dead bodies, only that he su ered none to carry pike, s!ord, lance, nor gun !ith him, and those !ho carried the pilgrims bound he made to alight, and ga"e their horses unto the said pilgrims, keeping them there !ith him under the hedge, and also Touch aucet, !ho !as then his prisoner.

Chapter 3.I%=. (o! the <onk carried along !ith him the Pilgrims, and o the good !ords that Grangousier ga"e them. This skirmish being ended, Gargantua retreated !ith his men, e?cepting the monk, and about the da!ning o the day they came unto Grangousier, !ho in

his bed !as praying unto God or their sa ety and "ictory. *nd seeing them all sa e and sound, he embraced them lo"ingly, and asked !hat !as become o the monk. Gargantua ans!ered him that !ithout doubt the enemies had the monk. Then ha"e they mischie and ill luck, said GrangousierE !hich !as "ery true. There ore is it a common pro"erb to this day, to gi"e a man the monk, or, as in French, lui bailler le moine, !hen they !ould e?press the doing unto one a mischie . Then commanded he a good break ast to be pro"ided or their re reshment. ;hen all !as ready, they called Gargantua, but he !as so aggrie"ed that the monk !as not to be heard o that he !ould neither eat nor drink. 5n the mean!hile the monk comes, and rom the gate o the outer court cries out aloud, Fresh !ine, resh !ine, Gymnast my riendL Gymnast !ent out and sa! that it !as Friar 7ohn, !ho brought along !ith him i"e pilgrims and Touch aucet prisonersE !hereupon Gargantua like!ise !ent orth to meet him, and all o them made him the best !elcome that possibly they could, and brought him be ore Grangousier, !ho asked him o all his ad"entures. The monk told him all, both ho! he !as taken, ho! he rid himsel o his keepers, o the slaughter he had made by the !ay, and ho! he had rescued the pilgrims and brought along !ith him Captain Touch aucet. Then did they altogether all to ban>ueting most merrily. 5n the meantime Grangousier asked the pilgrims !hat countrymen they !ere, !hence they came, and !hither they !ent. +!eer$to$go in the name o the rest ans!ered, <y so"ereign lord, 5 am o +aint Genou in Berry, this man is o Pal"au, this other is o 'nHay, this o *rgy, this o +t. 9aHarand, and this man o =illebrenin. ;e come rom +aint +ebastian near 9antes, and are no! returning, as !e best may, by easy journeys. #ea, but, said Grangousier, !hat !ent you to do at +aint +ebastianK ;e !ent, said +!eer$to$go, to o er up unto that sanct our "o!s against the plague. *h, poor menL said Grangousier, do you think that the plague comes rom +aint +ebastianK #es, truly, ans!ered +!eer$to$go, our preachers tell us so indeed. But is it so, said Grangousier, do the alse prophets teach you such abusesK )o they thus blaspheme the sancts and holy men o God, as to make them like unto the de"ils, !ho do nothing but hurt unto mankind,$$as (omer !riteth, that the plague !as sent into the camp o the Greeks by *pollo, and as the poets eign a great rabble o =ejo"es and mischie"ous gods. +o did a certain ca ard or dissembling religionary preach at +inay, that +aint *nthony sent the ire into men's legs, that +aint 1utropius made men hydropic, +aint Clidas, ools, and that +aint Genou made them goutish. But 5 punished him so e?emplarily, though he called me heretic or it, that since that time no such hypocritical rogue durst set his oot !ithin my territories. *nd truly 5 !onder that your king should su er them in their sermons to publish such scandalous doctrine in his dominionsE or they deser"e to be chastised !ith greater se"erity than those !ho, by magical art, or any other de"ice, ha"e brought the pestilence into a country. The pest killeth but the bodies, but such abominable imposters empoison our "ery souls. *s he spake these !ords, in came the monk "ery resolute, and asked them, ;hence are you, you poor !retchesK ' +aint Genou, said they. *nd ho!, said the monk, does the *bbot Gulligut, the good drinker,$$and the monks, !hat cheer make theyK By G$$ body, they'll ha"e a ling at your !i"es, and breast them to some purpose, !hilst you are upon your roaming rant and gadding pilgrimage. (in, hen, said +!eer$to$go, 5 am not a raid o mine, or he that shall see her by day !ill ne"er break his neck to come to her in the night$time. #ea, marry, said the monk, no! you ha"e hit it. %et her be as ugly as e"er !as Proserpina, she !ill once, by the %ord G$$, be o"erturned, and get her skin$coat shaken, i there d!ell any monks near to herE or a good carpenter !ill make use o any kind o timber. %et me be peppered !ith the po?, i you ind not all your !i"es !ith child at your returnE or the "ery shado! o the steeple o an abbey is ruit ul. 5t is,

said Gargantua, like the !ater o 9ilus in 1gypt, i you belie"e +trabo and Pliny, %ib. G, cap. C. ;hat "irtue !ill there be then, said the monk, in their bullets o concupiscence, their habits and their bodiesK Then, said Grangousier, go your !ays, poor men, in the name o God the Creator, to !hom 5 pray to guide you perpetually, and hence or!ard be not so ready to undertake these idle and unpro itable journeys. %ook to your amilies, labour e"ery man in his "ocation, instruct your children, and li"e as the good apostle +t. Paul directeth youE in doing !hereo , God, his angels and sancts, !ill guard and protect you, and no e"il or plague at any time shall be all you. Then Gargantua led them into the hall to take their re ectionE but the pilgrims did nothing but sigh, and said to Gargantua, ' ho! happy is that land !hich hath such a man or their lordL ;e ha"e been more edi ied and instructed by the talk !hich he had !ith us, than by all the sermons that e"er !ere preached in our to!n. This is, said Gargantua, that !hich Plato saith, %ib. B de Republ., that those common!ealths are happy, !hose rulers philosophate, and !hose philosophers rule. Then caused he their !allets to be illed !ith "ictuals and their bottles !ith !ine, and ga"e unto each o them a horse to ease them upon the !ay, together !ith some pence to li"e by.

Chapter 3.I%=5. (o! Grangousier did "ery kindly entertain Touch aucet his prisoner. Touch aucet !as presented unto Grangousier, and by him e?amined upon the enterprise and attempt o Picrochole, !hat it !as he could pretend to, or aim at, by the rustling stir and tumultuary coil o this his sudden in"asion. ;hereunto he ans!ered, that his end and purpose !as to con>uer all the country, i he could, or the injury done to his cake$bakers. 5t is too great an undertaking, said GrangousierE and, as the pro"erb is, (e that grips too much, holds ast but little. The time is not no! as ormerly, to con>uer the kingdoms o our neighbour princes, and to build up our o!n greatness upon the loss o our nearest Christian Brother. This imitation o the ancient (erculeses, *le?anders, (annibals, +cipios, Caesars, and other such heroes, is >uite contrary to the pro ession o the gospel o Christ, by !hich !e are commanded to preser"e, keep, rule, and go"ern e"ery man his o!n country and lands, and not in a hostile manner to in"ade othersE and that !hich hereto ore the Barbars and +aracens called pro!ess and "alour, !e do no! call robbing, thie"ery, and !ickedness. 5t !ould ha"e been more commendable in him to ha"e contained himsel !ithin the bounds o his o!n territories, royally go"erning them, than to insult and domineer in mine, pillaging and plundering e"ery!here like a most unmerci ul enemyE or, by ruling his o!n !ith discretion, he might ha"e increased his greatness, but by robbing me he cannot escape destruction. Go your !ays in the name o God, prosecute good enterprises, sho! your king !hat is amiss, and ne"er counsel him !ith regard unto your o!n particular pro it, or the public loss !ill s!allo! up the pri"ate bene it. *s or your ransom, 5 do reely remit it to you, and !ill that your arms and horse be restored to youE so should good neighbours do, and ancient riends, seeing this our di erence is not properly !ar. *s Plato, %ib. B de Repub., !ould not ha"e it called !ar, but sedition, !hen the Greeks took up arms against one another, and that there ore, !hen such combustions should arise amongst them, his ad"ice !as to beha"e themsel"es in the managing o them !ith all discretion and modesty. *lthough you call it !ar, it is but

super icialE it entereth not into the closet and inmost cabinet o our hearts. For neither o us hath been !ronged in his honour, nor is there any >uestion bet!i?t us in the main, but only ho! to redress, by the bye, some petty aults committed by our men,$$5 mean, both yours and ours, !hich, although you kne!, you ought to let passE or these >uarrelsome persons deser"e rather to be contemned than mentioned, especially seeing 5 o ered them satis action according to the !rong. God shall be the just judge o our "ariances, !hom 5 beseech by death rather to take me out o this li e, and to permit my goods to perish and be destroyed be ore mine eyes, than that by me or mine he should in any sort be !ronged. These !ords uttered, he called the monk, and be ore them all thus spoke unto him, Friar 7ohn, my good riend, it is you that took prisoner the Captain Touch aucet here presentK +ir, said the monk, seeing himsel is here, and that he is o the years o discretion, 5 had rather you should kno! it by his con ession than by any !ords o mine. Then said Touch aucet, <y so"ereign lord it is he indeed that took me, and 5 do there ore most reely yield mysel his prisoner. (a"e you put him to any ransomK said Grangousier to the monk. 9o, said the monk, o that 5 take no care. (o! much !ould you ha"e or ha"ing taken himK 9othing, nothing, said the monkE 5 am not s!ayed by that, nor do 5 regard it. Then Grangousier commanded that, in presence o Touch aucet, should be deli"ered to the monk or taking him the sum o three score and t!o thousand saluts @in 1nglish money, i teen thousand and i"e hundred poundsD, !hich !as done, !hilst they made a collation or little ban>uet to the said Touch aucet, o !hom Grangousier asked i he !ould stay !ith him, or i he lo"ed rather to return to his king. Touch aucet ans!ered that he !as content to take !hate"er course he !ould ad"ise him to. Then, said Grangousier, return unto your king, and God be !ith you. Then he ga"e him an e?cellent s!ord o a =ienne blade, !ith a golden scabbard !rought !ith "ine$branch$like lourishes, o air goldsmith's !ork, and a collar or neck$chain o gold, !eighing se"en hundred and t!o thousand marks @at eight ounces eachD, garnished !ith precious stones o the inest sort, esteemed at a hundred and si?ty thousand ducats, and ten thousand cro!ns more, as an honourable donati"e, by !ay o present. * ter this talk Touch aucet got to his horse, and Gargantua or his sa ety allo!ed him the guard o thirty men$at$arms and si? score archers to attend him, under the conduct o Gymnast, to bring him e"en unto the gate o the rock Clermond, i there !ere need. *s soon as he !as gone, the monk restored unto Grangousier the three score and t!o thousand saluts !hich he had recei"ed, saying, +ir, it is not as yet the time or you to gi"e such gi tsE stay till this !ar be at an end, or none can tell !hat accidents may occur, and !ar begun !ithout good pro"ision o money be orehand or going through !ith it, is but as a breathing o strength, and blast that !ill >uickly pass a!ay. Coin is the sine!s o !ar. ;ell then, said Grangousier, at the end 5 !ill content you by some honest recompense, as also all those !ho shall do me good ser"ice.

Chapter 3.I%=55. (o! Grangousier sent or his legions, and ho! Touch aucet sle! Rashcal , and !as a ter!ards e?ecuted by the command o Picrochole. *bout this same time those o Besse, o the 'ld <arket, o +t. 7ames'

Bourg, o the )raggage, o Parille, o the Ri"ers, o the rocks +t. Pol, o the =aubreton, o Pautille, o the Brehemont, o Clainbridge, o Cra"ant, o Grammont, o the to!n at the Badgerholes, o (uymes, o +egre, o (usse, o +t. %o"ant, o PanHoust, o the Coldrau?, o =erron, o Coulaines, o Chose, o =arenes, o Bourgueil, o the Bouchard 5sland, o the Croullay, o 9arsay, o Cande, o <ontsoreau, and other bordering places, sent ambassadors unto Grangousier, to tell him that they !ere ad"ised o the great !rongs !hich Picrochole had done him, and, in regard o their ancient con ederacy, o ered him !hat assistance they could a ord, both in men, money, "ictuals, and ammunition, and other necessaries or !ar. The money !hich by the joint agreement o them all !as sent unto him, amounted to si? score and ourteen millions, t!o cro!ns and a hal o pure gold. The orces !here!ith they did assist him did consist in i teen thousand cuirassiers, t!o$and$thirty thousand light horsemen, our score and nine thousand dragoons, and a hundred$and$ orty thousand "olunteer ad"enturers. These had !ith them ele"en thousand and t!o hundred cannons, double cannons, long pieces o artillery called basilisks, and smaller siHed ones kno!n by the name o spirols, besides the mortar$pieces and grenadoes. ' pioneers they had se"en$and$ orty thousand, all "ictualled and paid or si? months and our days o ad"ance. ;hich o er Gargantua did not altogether re use, nor !holly accept o E but, gi"ing them hearty thanks, said that he !ould compose and order the !ar by such a de"ice, that there should not be ound great need to put so many honest men to trouble in the managing o itE and there ore !as content at that time to gi"e order only or bringing along the legions !hich he maintained in his ordinary garrison to!ns o the )e"iniere, o Cha"igny, o Gra"ot, and o the Juin>uenais, amounting to the number o t!o thousand cuirassiers, three score and si? thousand oot$soldiers, si?$and$t!enty thousand dragoons, attended by t!o hundred pieces o great ordnance, t!o$and$t!enty thousand pioneers, and si? thousand light horsemen, all dra!n up in troops, so !ell be itted and accommodated !ith their commissaries, sutlers, arriers, harness$makers, and other such like necessary members in a military camp, so ully instructed in the art o !ar are, so per ectly kno!ing and ollo!ing their colours, so ready to hear and obey their captains, so nimble to run, so strong at their charging, so prudent in their ad"entures, and e"ery day so !ell disciplined, that they seemed rather to be a concert o organ$pipes, or mutual concord o the !heels o a clock, than an in antry and ca"alry, or army o soldiers. Touch aucet immediately a ter his return presented himsel be ore Picrochole, and related unto him at large all that he had done and seen, and at last endea"oured to persuade him !ith strong and orcible arguments to capitulate and make an agreement !ith Grangousier, !hom he ound to be the honestest man in the !orldE saying urther, that it !as neither right nor reason thus to trouble his neighbours, o !hom they had ne"er recei"ed anything but good. *nd in regard o the main point, that they should ne"er be able to go through stitch !ith that !ar, but to their great damage and mischie E or the orces o Picrochole !ere not so considerable but that Grangousier could easily o"erthro! them. (e had not !ell done speaking !hen Rashcal said out aloud, 8nhappy is that prince !hich is by such men ser"ed, !ho are so easily corrupted, as 5 kno! Touch aucet is. For 5 see his courage so changed that he had !illingly joined !ith our enemies to ight against us and betray us, i they !ould ha"e recei"ed himE but as "irtue is o all, both riends and oes, praised and esteemed, so is !ickedness soon kno!n and suspected, and although it happen the enemies to make use thereo or their pro it, yet ha"e they al!ays the !icked and the traitors in abomination.

Touch aucet being at these !ords "ery impatient, dre! out his s!ord, and there!ith ran Rashcal through the body, a little under the nipple o his le t side, !hereo he died presently, and pulling back his s!ord out o his body said boldly, +o let him perish that shall a aith ul ser"ant blame. Picrochole incontinently gre! urious, and seeing Touch aucet's ne! s!ord and his scabbard so richly diapered !ith lourishes o most e?cellent !orkmanship, said, )id they gi"e thee this !eapon so eloniously there!ith to kill be ore my ace my so good riend Rashcal K Then immediately commanded he his guard to he! him in pieces, !hich !as instantly done, and that so cruelly that the chamber !as all dyed !ith blood. * ter!ards he appointed the corpse o Rashcal to be honourably buried, and that o Touch aucet to be cast o"er the !alls into the ditch. The ne!s o these e?cessi"e "iolences !ere >uickly spread through all the armyE !hereupon many began to murmur against Picrochole, in so ar that Pinchpenny said to him, <y so"ereign lord, 5 kno! not !hat the issue o this enterprise !ill be. 5 see your men much dejected, and not !ell resol"ed in their minds, by considering that !e are here "ery ill pro"ided o "ictual, and that our number is already much diminished by three or our sallies. Furthermore, great supplies and recruits come daily in to your enemiesE but !e so moulder a!ay that, i !e be once besieged, 5 do not see ho! !e can escape a total destruction. Tush, pish, said Picrochole, you are like the <elun eels, you cry be ore they come to you. %et them come, let them come, i they dare.

Chapter 3.I%=555. (o! Gargantua set upon Picrochole !ithin the rock Clermond, and utterly de eated the army o the said Picrochole. Gargantua had the charge o the !hole army, and his ather Grangousier stayed in his castle, !ho, encouraging them !ith good !ords, promised great re!ards unto those that should do any notable ser"ice. (a"ing thus set or!ard, as soon as they had gained the pass at the ord o =ede, !ith boats and bridges speedily made they passed o"er in a trice. Then considering the situation o the to!n, !hich !as on a high and ad"antageous place, Gargantua thought it to call his council, and pass that night in deliberation upon !hat !as to be done. But Gymnast said unto him, <y so"ereign lord, such is the nature and comple?ion o the French, that they are !orth nothing but at the irst push. Then are they more ierce than de"ils. But i they linger a little and be !earied !ith delays, they'll pro"e more aint and remiss than !omen. <y opinion is, there ore, that no! presently, a ter your men ha"e taken breath and some small re ection, you gi"e order or a resolute assault, and that !e storm them instantly. (is ad"ice !as ound "ery good, and or e ectuating thereo he brought orth his army into the plain ield, and placed the reser"es on the skirt or rising o a little hill. The monk took along !ith him si? companies o oot and t!o hundred horsemen !ell armed, and !ith great diligence crossed the marsh, and "aliantly got upon the top o the green hillock e"en unto the high!ay !hich leads to %oudun. ;hilst the assault !as thus begun, Picrochole's men could not tell !ell !hat !as best, to issue out and recei"e the assailants, or keep !ithin the to!n and not to stir. (imsel in the mean time, !ithout deliberation, sallied orth in a rage !ith the ca"alry o his guard, !ho !ere orth!ith recei"ed and royally entertained

!ith great cannon$shot that ell upon them like hail rom the high grounds on !hich the artillery !as planted. ;hereupon the Gargantuists betook themsel"es unto the "alleys, to gi"e the ordnance lea"e to play and range !ith the larger scope. Those o the to!n de ended themsel"es as !ell as they could, but their shot passed o"er us !ithout doing us any hurt at all. +ome o Picrochole's men that had escaped our artillery set most iercely upon our soldiers, but pre"ailed littleE or they !ere all let in bet!i?t the iles, and there knocked do!n to the ground, !hich their ello!$soldiers seeing, they !ould ha"e retreated, but the monk ha"ing seiHed upon the pass by the !hich they !ere to return, they ran a!ay and led in all the disorder and con usion that could be imagined. +ome !ould ha"e pursued a ter them and ollo!ed the chase, but the monk !ithheld them, apprehending that in their pursuit the pursuers might lose their ranks, and so gi"e occasion to the besieged to sally out o the to!n upon them. Then staying there some space and none coming against him, he sent the )uke Phrontist to ad"ise Gargantua to ad"ance to!ards the hill upon the le t hand, to hinder Picrochole's retreat at that gateE !hich Gargantua did !ith all e?pedition, and sent thither our brigades under the conduct o +ebast, !hich had no sooner reached the top o the hill, but they met Picrochole in the teeth, and those that !ere !ith him scattered. Then charged they upon them stoutly, yet !ere they much endamaged by those that !ere upon the !alls, !ho galled them !ith all manner o shot, both rom the great ordnance, small guns, and bo!s. ;hich Gargantua percei"ing, he !ent !ith a strong party to their relie , and !ith his artillery began to thunder so terribly upon that canton o the !all, and so long, that all the strength !ithin the to!n, to maintain and ill up the breach, !as dra!n thither. The monk seeing that >uarter !hich he kept besieged "oid o men and competent guards, and in a manner altogether naked and abandoned, did most magnanimously on a sudden lead up his men to!ards the ort, and ne"er le t it till he had got up upon it, kno!ing that such as come to the reser"e in a con lict bring !ith them al!ays more ear and terror than those that deal about them !ith they hands in the ight. 9e"ertheless, he ga"e no alarm till all his soldiers had got !ithin the !all, e?cept the t!o hundred horsemen, !hom he le t !ithout to secure his entry. Then did he gi"e a most horrible shout, so did all these !ho !ere !ith him, and immediately therea ter, !ithout resistance, putting to the edge o the s!ord the guard that !as at that gate, they opened it to the horsemen, !ith !hom most uriously they altogether ran to!ards the east gate, !here all the hurlyburly !as, and coming close upon them in the rear o"erthre! all their orces. The besieged, seeing that the Gargantuists had !on the to!n upon them, and that they !ere like to be secure in no corner o it, submitted themsel"es unto the mercy o the monk, and asked or >uarter, !hich the monk "ery nobly granted to them, yet made them lay do!n their armsE then, shutting them up !ithin churches, ga"e order to seiHe upon all the sta"es o the crosses, and placed men at the doors to keep them rom coming orth. Then opening that east gate, he issued out to succour and assist Gargantua. But Picrochole, thinking it had been some relie coming to him rom the to!n, ad"entured more or!ardly than be ore, and !as upon the gi"ing o a most desperate home$charge, !hen Gargantua cried out, (a, Friar 7ohn, my riend Friar 7ohn, you are come in a good hour. ;hich une?pected accident so

a righted Picrochole and his men, that, gi"ing all or lost, they betook themsel"es to their heels, and led on all hands. Gargantua chased them till they came near to =augaudry, killing and slaying all the !ay, and then sounded the retreat.

Chapter 3.I%5I. (o! Picrochole in his light ell into great mis ortunes, and !hat Gargantua did a ter the battle. Picrochole thus in despair led to!ards the Bouchard 5sland, and in the !ay to Ri"iere his horse stumbled and ell do!n, !hereat he on a sudden !as so incensed, that he !ith his s!ord !ithout more ado killed him in his cholerE then, not inding any that !ould remount him, he !as about to ha"e taken an ass at the mill that !as therebyE but the miller's men did so baste his bones and so soundly beth!ack him that they made him both black and blue !ith strokesE then stripping him o all his clothes, ga"e him a scur"y old can"as jacket !here!ith to co"er his nakedness. Thus !ent along this poor choleric !retch, !ho, passing the !ater at Port$(uaul?, and relating his misad"enturous disasters, !as oretold by an old %ourpidon hag that his kingdom should be restored to him at the coming o the Cocklicranes, !hich she called Co>uecigrues. ;hat is become o him since !e cannot certainly tell, yet !as 5 told that he is no! a porter at %yons, as testy and pettish in humour as e"er he !as be ore, and !ould be al!ays !ith great lamentation in>uiring at all strangers o the coming o the Cocklicranes, e?pecting assuredly, according to the old !oman's prophecy, that at their coming he shall be re$established in his kingdom. The irst thing Gargantua did a ter his return into the to!n !as to call the muster$roll o his men, !hich !hen he had done, he ound that there !ere "ery e! either killed or !ounded, only some e! oot o Captain Tolmere's company, and Ponocrates, !ho !as shot !ith a musket$ball through the doublet. Then he caused them all at and in their se"eral posts and di"isions to take a little re reshment, !hich !as "ery plenteously pro"ided or them in the best drink and "ictuals that could be had or money, and ga"e order to the treasurers and commissaries o the army to pay or and de ray that repast, and that there should be no outrage at all nor abuse committed in the to!n, seeing it !as his o!n. *nd urthermore commanded, that immediately a ter the soldiers had done !ith eating and drinking or that time su iciently and to their o!n hearts' desire, a gathering should be beaten or bringing them altogether, to be dra!n up on the piaHHa be ore the castle, there to recei"e si? months' pay completely. *ll !hich !as done. * ter this, by his direction, !ere brought be ore him in the said place all those that remained o Picrochole's party, unto !hom, in the presence o the princes, nobles, and o icers o his court and army, he spoke as ollo!eth.

Chapter 3.%. Gargantua's speech to the "an>uished. 'ur ore athers and ancestors o all times ha"e been o this nature and disposition, that, upon the !inning o a battle, they ha"e chosen rather, or a sign and memorial o their triumphs and "ictories, to erect trophies and monuments in the hearts o the "an>uished by clemency than by

architecture in the lands !hich they had con>uered. For they did hold in greater estimation the li"ely remembrance o men purchased by liberality than the dumb inscription o arches, pillars, and pyramids, subject to the injury o storms and tempests, and to the en"y o e"eryone. #ou may "ery !ell remember o the courtesy !hich by them !as used to!ards the Bretons in the battle o +t. *ubin o Cormier and at the demolishing o Partenay. #ou ha"e heard, and hearing admire, their gentle comportment to!ards those at the barriers @the barbariansD o +paniola, !ho had plundered, !asted, and ransacked the maritime borders o 'lone and Thalmondois. *ll this hemisphere o the !orld !as illed !ith the praises and congratulations !hich yoursel"es and your athers made, !hen *lpharbal, :ing o Canarre, not satis ied !ith his o!n ortunes, did most uriously in"ade the land o 'ny?, and !ith cruel piracies molest all the *rmoric 5slands and con ine regions o Britany. #et !as he in a set na"al ight justly taken and "an>uished by my ather, !hom God preser"e and protect. But !hatK ;hereas other kings and emperors, yea, those !ho entitle themsel"es Catholics, !ould ha"e dealt roughly !ith him, kept him a close prisoner, and put him to an e?treme high ransom, he entreated him "ery courteously, lodged him kindly !ith himsel in his o!n palace, and out o his incredible mildness and gentle disposition sent him back !ith a sa e conduct, laden !ith gi ts, laden !ith a"ours, laden !ith all o ices o riendship. ;hat ell out upon itK Being returned into his country, he called a parliament, !here all the princes and states o his kingdom being assembled, he sho!ed them the humanity !hich he had ound in us, and there ore !ished them to take such course by !ay o compensation therein as that the !hole !orld might be edi ied by the e?ample, as !ell o their honest graciousness to us as o our gracious honesty to!ards them. The result hereo !as, that it !as "oted and decreed by an unanimous consent, that they should o er up entirely their lands, dominions, and kingdoms, to be disposed o by us according to our pleasure. *lpharbal in his o!n person presently returned !ith nine thousand and thirty$eight great ships o burden, bringing !ith him the treasures, not only o his house and royal lineage, but almost o all the country besides. For he embarking himsel , to set sail !ith a !est$north$east !ind, e"eryone in heaps did cast into the ship gold, sil"er, rings, je!els, spices, drugs, and aromatical per umes, parrots, pelicans, monkeys, ci"et$cats, black$spotted !easels, porcupines, Nc. (e !as accounted no good mother's son that did not cast in all the rare and precious things he had. Being sa ely arri"ed, he came to my said ather, and !ould ha"e kissed his eet. That action !as ound too submissi"ely lo!, and there ore !as not permitted, but in e?change he !as most cordially embraced. (e o ered his presentsE they !ere not recei"ed, because they !ere too e?cessi"e& he yielded himsel "oluntarily a ser"ant and "assal, and !as content his !hole posterity should be liable to the same bondageE this !as not accepted o , because it seemed not e>uitable& he surrendered, by "irtue o the decree o his great parliamentary council, his !hole countries and kingdoms to him, o ering the deed and con"eyance, signed, sealed, and rati ied by all those that !ere concerned in itE this !as altogether re used, and the parchments cast into the ire. 5n end, this ree good!ill and simple meaning o the Canarians !rought such tenderness in my ather's heart that he could not abstain rom shedding tears, and !ept most pro uselyE then, by choice !ords "ery congruously adapted, stro"e in !hat he could to diminish the estimation o the good o ices !hich he had done them, saying, that any courtesy he had con erred upon them !as not !orth a rush, and !hat a"our soe"er he had sho!ed them he !as bound to do it. But so much the more did

*lpharbal augment the repute thereo . ;hat !as the issueK ;hereas or his ransom, in the greatest e?tremity o rigour and most tyrannical dealing, could not ha"e been e?acted abo"e t!enty times a hundred thousand cro!ns, and his eldest sons detained as hostages till that sum had been paid, they made themsel"es perpetual tributaries, and obliged to gi"e us e"ery year t!o millions o gold at our$and$t!enty carats ine. The irst year !e recei"ed the !hole sum o t!o millionsE the second year o their o!n accord they paid reely to us three$and$t!enty hundred thousand cro!nsE the third year, si?$and$t!enty hundred thousandE the ourth year, three millions, and do so increase it al!ays out o their o!n good!ill that !e shall be constrained to orbid them to bring us any more. This is the nature o gratitude and true thank ulness. For time, !hich gna!s and diminisheth all things else, augments and increaseth bene itsE because a noble action o liberality, done to a man o reason, doth gro! continually by his generous thinking o it and remembering it. Being un!illing there ore any !ay to degenerate rom the hereditary mildness and clemency o my parents, 5 do no! orgi"e you, deli"er you rom all ines and imprisonments, ully release you, set you at liberty, and e"ery !ay make you as rank and ree as e"er you !ere be ore. <oreo"er, at your going out o the gate, you shall ha"e e"ery one o you three months' pay to bring you home into your houses and amilies, and shall ha"e a sa e con"oy o si? hundred cuirassiers and eight thousand oot under the conduct o *le?ander, es>uire o my body, that the clubmen o the country may not do you any injury. God be !ith youL 5 am sorry rom my heart that Picrochole is not hereE or 5 !ould ha"e gi"en him to understand that this !ar !as undertaken against my !ill and !ithout any hope to increase either my goods or reno!n. But seeing he is lost, and that no man can tell !here nor ho! he !ent a!ay, it is my !ill that his kingdom remain entire to his sonE !ho, because he is too young, he not being yet ull i"e years old, shall be brought up and instructed by the ancient princes and learned men o the kingdom. *nd because a realm thus desolate may easily come to ruin, i the co"etousness and a"arice o those !ho by their places are obliged to administer justice in it be not curbed and restrained, 5 ordain and !ill ha"e it so, that Ponocrates be o"erseer and superintendent abo"e all his go"ernors, !ith !hate"er po!er and authority is re>uisite thereto, and that he be continually !ith the child until he ind him able and capable to rule and go"ern by himsel . 9o! 5 must tell you, that you are to understand ho! a too eeble and dissolute acility in pardoning e"ildoers gi"eth them occasion to commit !ickedness a ter!ards more readily, upon this pernicious con idence o recei"ing a"our. 5 consider that <oses, the meekest man that !as in his time upon the earth, did se"erely punish the mutinous and seditious people o 5srael. 5 consider like!ise that 7ulius Caesar, !ho !as so gracious an emperor that Cicero said o him that his ortune had nothing more e?cellent than that he could, and his "irtue nothing better than that he !ould al!ays sa"e and pardon e"ery man$$he, not!ithstanding all this, did in certain places most rigorously punish the authors o rebellion. * ter the e?ample o these good men, it is my !ill and pleasure that you deli"er o"er unto me be ore you depart hence, irst, that ine ello! <ar>uet, !ho !as the prime cause, origin, and ground!ork o this !ar by his "ain presumption and o"er!eeningE secondly, his ello! cake$bakers, !ho !ere neglecti"e in checking and reprehending his idle hairbrained humour in the instant timeE and lastly, all the councillors, captains, o icers, and domestics o Picrochole, !ho had been incendiaries or omenters o the !ar by pro"oking, praising, or counselling him to come out o his limits thus to trouble us.

Chapter 3.%5. (o! the "ictorious Gargantuists !ere recompensed a ter the battle. ;hen Gargantua had inished his speech, the seditious men !hom he re>uired !ere deli"ered up unto him, e?cept +!ashbuckler, )irt$tail, and +malltrash, !ho ran a!ay si? hours be ore the battle$$one o them as ar as to %ainiel$neck at one course, another to the "alley o =ire, and the third e"en unto %ogroine, !ithout looking back or taking breath by the !ay$$and t!o o the cake$bakers !ho !ere slain in the ight. Gargantua did them no other hurt but that he appointed them to pull at the presses o his printing$house !hich he had ne!ly set up. Then those !ho died there he caused to be honourably buried in Black$soile "alley and Burn$hag ield, and ga"e order that the !ounded should be dressed and had care o in his great hospital or nosocome. * ter this, considering the great prejudice done to the to!n and its inhabitants, he reimbursed their charges and repaired all the losses that by their con ession upon oath could appear they had sustainedE and, or their better de ence and security in times coming against all sudden uproars and in"asions, commanded a strong citadel to be built there !ith a competent garrison to maintain it. *t his departure he did "ery graciously thank all the soldiers o the brigades that had been at this o"erthro!, and sent them back to their !inter$>uarters in their se"eral stations and garrisonsE the decumane legion only e?cepted, !hom in the ield on that day he sa! do some great e?ploit, and their captains also, !hom he brought along !ith himsel unto Grangousier. *t the sight and coming o them, the good man !as so joy ul, that it is not possible ully to describe it. (e made them a east the most magni icent, plenti ul, and delicious that e"er !as seen since the time o the king *hasuerus. *t the taking up o the table he distributed amongst them his !hole cupboard o plate, !hich !eighed eight hundred thousand and ourteen beHants @1ach beHant is !orth i"e pounds 1nglish money.D o gold, in great anti>ue "essels, huge pots, large basins, big tasses, cups, goblets, candlesticks, com it$bo?es, and other such plate, all o pure massy gold, besides the precious stones, enamelling, and !orkmanship, !hich by all men's estimation !as more !orth than the matter o the gold. Then unto e"ery one o them out o his co ers caused he to be gi"en the sum o t!el"e hundred thousand cro!ns ready money. *nd, urther, he ga"e to each o them or e"er and in perpetuity, unless he should happen to decease !ithout heirs, such castles and neighbouring lands o his as !ere most commodious or them. To Ponocrates he ga"e the rock ClermondE to Gymnast, the CoudrayE to 1udemon, <ontpensierE Ri"au, to Tolmere, to 5thibolle, <ontsoreauE to *camas, CandeE =arenes, to ChironacteE Gra"ot, to +ebastE Juin>uenais, to *le?anderE %egre, to +ophrone, and so o his other places.

Chapter 3.%55. (o! Gargantua caused to be built or the <onk the *bbey o Theleme. There !as le t only the monk to pro"ide or, !hom Gargantua !ould ha"e made *bbot o +e"ille, but he re used it. (e !ould ha"e gi"en him the *bbey o Bourgueil, or o +anct Florent, !hich !as better, or both, i it pleased

himE but the monk ga"e him a "ery peremptory ans!er, that he !ould ne"er take upon him the charge nor go"ernment o monks. For ho! shall 5 be able, said he, to rule o"er others, that ha"e not ull po!er and command o mysel K 5 you think 5 ha"e done you, or may herea ter do any acceptable ser"ice, gi"e me lea"e to ound an abbey a ter my o!n mind and ancy. The motion pleased Gargantua "ery !ell, !ho thereupon o ered him all the country o Theleme by the ri"er o %oire till !ithin t!o leagues o the great orest o Port$(uaul?. The monk then re>uested Gargantua to institute his religious order contrary to all others. First, then, said Gargantua, you must not build a !all about your con"ent, or all other abbeys are strongly !alled and mured about. +ee, said the monk, and not !ithout cause @seeing !all and mur signi y but one and the same thingDE !here there is mur be ore and mur behind, there is store o murmur, en"y, and mutual conspiracy. <oreo"er, seeing there are certain con"ents in the !orld !hereo the custom is, i any !oman come in, 5 mean chaste and honest !omen, they immediately s!eep the ground !hich they ha"e trod uponE there ore !as it ordained, that i any man or !oman entered into religious orders should by chance come !ithin this ne! abbey, all the rooms should be thoroughly !ashed and cleansed through !hich they had passed. *nd because in all other monasteries and nunneries all is compassed, limited, and regulated by hours, it !as decreed that in this ne! structure there should be neither clock nor dial, but that according to the opportunities and incident occasions all their hours should be disposed o E or, said Gargantua, the greatest loss o time that 5 kno! is to count the hours. ;hat good comes o itK 9or can there be any greater dotage in the !orld than or one to guide and direct his courses by the sound o a bell, and not by his o!n judgment and discretion. 5tem, Because at that time they put no !omen into nunneries but such as !ere either purblind, blinkards, lame, crooked, ill$ a"oured, misshapen, ools, senseless, spoiled, or corruptE nor encloistered any men but those that !ere either sickly, subject to de lu?ions, ill$bred louts, simple sots, or pee"ish trouble$houses. But to the purpose, said the monk. * !oman that is neither air nor good, to !hat use ser"es sheK To make a nun o , said Gargantua. #ea, said the monk, and to make shirts and smocks. There ore !as it ordained that into this religious order should be admitted no !omen that !ere not air, !ell$ eatured, and o a s!eet dispositionE nor men that !ere not comely, personable, and !ell conditioned. 5tem, Because in the con"ents o !omen men come not but underhand, pri"ily, and by stealth, it !as there ore enacted that in this house there shall be no !omen in case there be not men, nor men in case there be not !omen. 5tem, Because both men and !omen that are recei"ed into religious orders a ter the e?piring o their no"iciate or probation year !ere constrained and orced perpetually to stay there all the days o their li e, it !as there ore ordered that all !hate"er, men or !omen, admitted !ithin this abbey, should ha"e ull lea"e to depart !ith peace and contentment !hensoe"er it should seem good to them so to do. 5tem, or that the religious men and !omen did ordinarily make three "o!s, to !it, those o chastity, po"erty, and obedience, it !as there ore constituted and appointed that in this con"ent they might be honourably married, that they might be rich, and li"e at liberty. 5n regard o the legitimate time o the persons to be initiated, and years under and abo"e !hich they !ere not capable o reception, the !omen !ere to be admitted rom ten till i teen, and the men rom t!el"e till eighteen.

Chapter 3.%555. (o! the abbey o the Thelemites !as built and endo!ed. For the abric and urniture o the abbey Gargantua caused to be deli"ered out in ready money se"en$and$t!enty hundred thousand, eight hundred and one$and$thirty o those golden rams o Berry !hich ha"e a sheep stamped on the one side and a lo!ered cross on the otherE and or e"ery year, until the !hole !ork !ere completed, he allotted threescore nine thousand cro!ns o the sun, and as many o the se"en stars, to be charged all upon the receipt o the custom. For the oundation and maintenance thereo or e"er, he settled a perpetual ee$ arm$rent o three$and$t!enty hundred, three score and nine thousand, i"e hundred and ourteen rose nobles, e?empted rom all homage, ealty, ser"ice, or burden !hatsoe"er, and payable e"ery year at the gate o the abbeyE and o this by letters patent passed a "ery good grant. The architecture !as in a igure he?agonal, and in such a ashion that in e"ery one o the si? corners there !as built a great round to!er o threescore oot in diameter, and !ere all o a like orm and bigness. 8pon the north side ran along the ri"er o %oire, on the bank !hereo !as situated the to!er called *rctic. Going to!ards the east, there !as another called Calaer,$$the ne?t ollo!ing *natole,$$the ne?t <esembrine,$$the ne?t (esperia, and the last Criere. 1"ery to!er !as distant rom other the space o three hundred and t!el"e paces. The !hole edi ice !as e"ery!here si? storeys high, reckoning the cellars underground or one. The second !as arched a ter the ashion o a basket$handleE the rest !ere ceiled !ith pure !ainscot, lourished !ith Flanders ret!ork, in the orm o the oot o a lamp, and co"ered abo"e !ith ine slates, !ith an endorsement o lead, carrying the anti>ue igures o little puppets and animals o all sorts, notably !ell suited to one another, and gilt, together !ith the gutters, !hich, jutting !ithout the !alls rom bet!i?t the crossbars in a diagonal igure, painted !ith gold and aHure, reached to the "ery ground, !here they ended into great conduit$pipes, !hich carried all a!ay unto the ri"er rom under the house. This same building !as a hundred times more sumptuous and magni icent than e"er !as Bonni"et, Chambourg, or ChantillyE or there !ere in it nine thousand, three hundred and t!o$and$thirty chambers, e"ery one !hereo had a !ithdra!ing$room, a handsome closet, a !ardrobe, an oratory, and neat passage, leading into a great and spacious hall. Bet!een e"ery to!er in the midst o the said body o building there !as a pair o !inding, such as !e no! call lantern stairs, !hereo the steps !ere part o porphyry, !hich is a dark red marble spotted !ith !hite, part o 9umidian stone, !hich is a kind o yello!ishly$streaked marble upon "arious colours, and part o serpentine marble, !ith light spots on a dark green ground, each o those steps being t!o$and$t!enty oot in length and three ingers thick, and the just number o t!el"e bet!i?t e"ery rest, or, as !e no! term it, landing$place. 5n e"ery resting$place !ere t!o air anti>ue arches !here the light came in& and by those they !ent into a cabinet, made e"en !ith and o the breadth o the said !inding, and the reascending abo"e the roo s o the house ended conically in a pa"ilion. By that "ise or !inding they entered on e"ery side into a great hall, and rom the halls into the chambers. From the *rctic to!er unto the Criere !ere the air great libraries in Greek, %atin, (ebre!, French, 5talian, and +panish, respecti"ely distributed in their se"eral cantons, according to the

di"ersity o these languages. 5n the midst there !as a !onder ul scalier or !inding$stair, the entry !hereo !as !ithout the house, in a "ault or arch si? athom broad. 5t !as made in such symmetry and largeness that si? men$at$arms !ith their lances in their rests might together in a breast ride all up to the "ery top o all the palace. From the to!er *natole to the <esembrine !ere air spacious galleries, all coloured o"er and painted !ith the ancient pro!esses, histories, and descriptions o the !orld. 5n the midst thereo there !as like!ise such another ascent and gate as !e said there !as on the ri"er$side. 8pon that gate !as !ritten in great anti>ue letters that !hich ollo!eth.

Chapter 3.%5=. The inscription set upon the great gate o Theleme. (ere enter not "ile bigots, hypocrites, 1?ternally de"oted apes, base snites, Pu ed$up, !ry$necked beasts, !orse than the (uns, 'r 'strogoths, orerunners o baboons& Cursed snakes, dissembled "arlets, seeming sancts, +lipshod ca ards, beggars pretending !ants, Fat chu cats, smell$ east knockers, doltish gulls, 'ut$strouting cluster$ ists, contentious bulls, Fomenters o di"isions and debates, 1lse!here, not here, make sale o your deceits. #our ilthy trumperies +tu ed !ith pernicious lies @9ot !orth a bubbleD, ;ould do but trouble 'ur earthly paradise, #our ilthy trumperies. (ere enter not attorneys, barristers, 9or bridle$champing la!$practitioners& Clerks, commissaries, scribes, nor pharisees, ;il ul disturbers o the people's ease& 7udges, destroyers, !ith an unjust breath, ' honest men, like dogs, e"en unto death. #our salary is at the gibbet$ oot& Go drink thereL or !e do not here ly out 'n those e?cessi"e courses, !hich may dra! * !aiting on your courts by suits in la!. %a!suits, debates, and !rangling (ence are e?iled, and jangling. (ere !e are "ery Frolic and merry, *nd ree rom all entangling, %a!suits, debates, and !rangling. (ere enter not base pinching usurers, Pel $lickers, e"erlasting gatherers, Gold$graspers, coin$gripers, gulpers o mists, 9iggish de ormed sots, !ho, though your chests

=ast sums o money should to you a ord, ;ould ne'ertheless add more unto that hoard, *nd yet not be content,$$you clunch ist dastards, 5nsatiable iends, and Pluto's bastards, Greedy de"ourers, chichy sneakbill rogues, (ell$masti s gna! your bones, you ra"enous dogs. #ou beastly$looking ello!s, Reason doth plainly tell us That !e should not To you allot Room here, but at the gallo!s, #ou beastly$looking ello!s. (ere enter not ond makers o demurs 5n lo"e ad"entures, pee"ish, jealous curs, +ad pensi"e dotards, raisers o garboils, (ags, goblins, ghosts, irebrands o household broils, 9or drunkards, liars, co!ards, cheaters, clo!ns, Thie"es, cannibals, aces o'ercast !ith ro!ns, 9or laHy slugs, en"ious, co"etous, 9or blockish, cruel, nor too credulous,$$ (ere mangy, pocky olks shall ha"e no place, 9o ugly lusks, nor persons o disgrace. Grace, honour, praise, delight, (ere sojourn day and night. +ound bodies lined ;ith a good mind, )o here pursue !ith might Grace, honour, praise, delight. (ere enter you, and !elcome rom our hearts, *ll noble sparks, endo!ed !ith gallant parts. This is the glorious place, !hich bra"ely shall * ord !here!ith to entertain you all. ;ere you a thousand, here you shall not !ant For anythingE or !hat you'll ask !e'll grant. +tay here, you li"ely, jo"ial, handsome, brisk, Gay, !itty, rolic, cheer ul, merry, risk, +pruce, jocund, courteous, urtherers o trades, *nd, in a !ord, all !orthy gentle blades. Blades o heroic breasts +hall taste here o the easts, Both pri"ily *nd ci"illy ' the celestial guests, Blades o heroic breasts. (ere enter you, pure, honest, aith ul, true 1?pounders o the +criptures old and ne!. ;hose glosses do not blind our reason, but <ake it to see the clearer, and !ho shut 5ts passages rom hatred, a"arice, Pride, actions, co"enants, and all sort o "ice. Come, settle here a charitable aith,

;hich neighbourly a ection nourisheth. *nd !hose light chaseth all corrupters hence, ' the blest !ord, rom the a oresaid sense. The holy sacred ;ord, <ay it al!ays a ord T' us all in common, Both man and !oman, * spiritual shield and s!ord, The holy sacred ;ord. (ere enter you all ladies o high birth, )elicious, stately, charming, ull o mirth, 5ngenious, lo"ely, miniard, proper, air, <agnetic, grace ul, splendid, pleasant, rare, 'bliging, sprightly, "irtuous, young, solacious, :ind, neat, >uick, eat, bright, compt, ripe, choice, dear, precious. *lluring, courtly, comely, ine, complete, ;ise, personable, ra"ishing, and s!eet, Come joys enjoy. The %ord celestial (ath gi"en enough !here!ith to please us all. Gold gi"e us, God orgi"e us, *nd rom all !oes relie"e usE That !e the treasure <ay reap o pleasure, *nd shun !hate'er is grie"ous, Gold gi"e us, God orgi"e us.

Chapter 3.%=. ;hat manner o d!elling the Thelemites had. 5n the middle o the lo!er court there !as a stately ountain o air alabaster. 8pon the top thereo stood the three Graces, !ith their cornucopias, or horns o abundance, and did jet out the !ater at their breasts, mouth, ears, eyes, and other open passages o the body. The inside o the buildings in this lo!er court stood upon great pillars o chalcedony stone and porphyry marble made arch!ays a ter a goodly anti>ue ashion. ;ithin those !ere spacious galleries, long and large, adorned !ith curious pictures, the horns o bucks and unicorns& !ith rhinoceroses, !ater$horses called hippopotames, the teeth and tusks o elephants, and other things !ell !orth the beholding. The lodging o the ladies, or so !e may call those gallant !omen, took up all rom the to!er *rctic unto the gate <esembrine. The men possessed the rest. Be ore the said lodging o the ladies, that they might ha"e their recreation, bet!een the t!o irst to!ers, on the outside, !ere placed the tiltyard, the barriers or lists or tournaments, the hippodrome or riding$court, the theatre or public playhouse, and natatory or place to s!im in, !ith most admirable baths in three stages, situated abo"e one another, !ell urnished !ith all necessary accommodation, and store o myrtle$!ater. By the ri"er$side !as the air garden o pleasure, and in the midst o that the glorious labyrinth. Bet!een the t!o other to!ers !ere the courts or the tennis and the balloon. To!ards the to!er Criere stood the orchard ull o all ruit$trees, set and ranged in a >uincuncial order. *t the end o that !as

the great park, abounding !ith all sort o "enison. Bet!i?t the third couple o to!ers !ere the butts and marks or shooting !ith a snap!ork gun, an ordinary bo! or common archery, or !ith a crossbo!. The o ice$houses !ere !ithout the to!er (esperia, o one storey high. The stables !ere beyond the o ices, and be ore them stood the alconry, managed by ostrich$keepers and alconers "ery e?pert in the art, and it !as yearly supplied and urnished by the Candians, =enetians, +armates, no! called <usco"iters, !ith all sorts o most e?cellent ha!ks, eagles, ger alcons, gosha!ks, sacres, lanners, alcons, sparro!ha!ks, marlins, and other kinds o them, so gentle and per ectly !ell manned, that, lying o themsel"es sometimes rom the castle or their o!n disport, they !ould not ail to catch !hate"er they encountered. The "enery, !here the beagles and hounds !ere kept, !as a little arther o , dra!ing to!ards the park. *ll the halls, chambers, and closets or cabinets !ere richly hung !ith tapestry and hangings o di"ers sorts, according to the "ariety o the seasons o the year. *ll the pa"ements and loors !ere co"ered !ith green cloth. The beds !ere all embroidered. 5n e"ery back$chamber or !ithdra!ing$room there !as a looking$glass o pure crystal set in a rame o ine gold, garnished all about !ith pearls, and !as o such greatness that it !ould represent to the ull the !hole lineaments and proportion o the person that stood be ore it. *t the going out o the halls !hich belong to the ladies' lodgings !ere the per umers and trimmers through !hose hands the gallants passed !hen they !ere to "isit the ladies. Those s!eet arti icers did e"ery morning urnish the ladies' chambers !ith the spirit o roses, orange$ lo!er$!ater, and angelicaE and to each o them ga"e a little precious casket "apouring orth the most odori erous e?halations o the choicest aromatical scents.

Chapter 3.%=5. (o! the men and !omen o the religious order o Theleme !ere apparelled. The ladies at the oundation o this order !ere apparelled a ter their o!n pleasure and likingE but, since that o their o!n accord and ree !ill they ha"e re ormed themsel"es, their accoutrement is in manner as ollo!eth. They !ore stockings o scarlet crimson, or ingrained purple dye, !hich reached just three inches abo"e the knee, ha"ing a list beauti ied !ith e?>uisite embroideries and rare incisions o the cutter's art. Their garters !ere o the colour o their bracelets, and circled the knee a little both o"er and under. Their shoes, pumps, and slippers !ere either o red, "iolet, or crimson$"el"et, pinked and jagged like lobster !addles. 9e?t to their smock they put on the pretty kirtle or "as>uin o pure silk camlet& abo"e that !ent the ta ety or tabby arthingale, o !hite, red, ta!ny, grey, or o any other colour. *bo"e this ta ety petticoat they had another o cloth o tissue or brocade, embroidered !ith ine gold and interlaced !ith needle!ork, or as they thought good, and according to the temperature and disposition o the !eather had their upper coats o satin, damask, or "el"et, and those either orange, ta!ny, green, ash$coloured, blue, yello!, bright red, crimson, or !hite, and so orthE or had them o cloth o gold, cloth o sil"er, or some other choice stu , enriched !ith purl, or embroidered according to the dignity o the esti"al days and times !herein they !ore them.

Their go!ns, being still correspondent to the season, !ere either o cloth o gold riHHled !ith a sil"er$raised !orkE o red satin, co"ered !ith gold purlE o tabby, or ta ety, !hite, blue, black, ta!ny, Nc., o silk serge, silk camlet, "el"et, cloth o sil"er, sil"er tissue, cloth o gold, gold !ire, igured "el"et, or igured satin tinselled and o"ercast !ith golden threads, in di"ers "ariously pur led draughts. 5n the summer some days instead o go!ns they !ore light handsome mantles, made either o the stu o the a oresaid attire, or like <oresco rugs, o "iolet "el"et riHHled, !ith a raised !ork o gold upon sil"er purl, or !ith a knotted cord$!ork o gold embroidery, e"ery!here garnished !ith little 5ndian pearls. They al!ays carried a air panache, or plume o eathers, o the colour o their mu , bra"ely adorned and tricked out !ith glistering spangles o gold. 5n the !inter time they had their ta ety go!ns o all colours, as abo"e$named, and those lined !ith the rich urrings o hind$!ol"es, or speckled lyn?es, black$spotted !easels, martlet skins o Calabria, sables, and other costly urs o an inestimable "alue. Their beads, rings, bracelets, collars, carcanets, and neck$chains !ere all o precious stones, such as carbuncles, rubies, baleus, diamonds, sapphires, emeralds, tur>uoises, garnets, agates, beryls, and e?cellent margarites. Their head$dressing also "aried !ith the season o the year, according to !hich they decked themsel"es. 5n !inter it !as o the French ashionE in the spring, o the +panishE in summer, o the ashion o Tuscany, e?cept only upon the holy days and +undays, at !hich times they !ere accoutred in the French mode, because they accounted it more honourable and better be itting the garb o a matronal pudicity. The men !ere apparelled a ter their ashion. Their stockings !ere o tamine or o cloth serge, o !hite, black, scarlet, or some other ingrained colour. Their breeches !ere o "el"et, o the same colour !ith their stockings, or "ery near, embroidered and cut according to their ancy. Their doublet !as o cloth o gold, o cloth o sil"er, o "el"et, satin, damask, ta eties, Nc., o the same colours, cut, embroidered, and suitably trimmed up in per ection. The points !ere o silk o the same coloursE the tags !ere o gold !ell enamelled. Their coats and jerkins !ere o cloth o gold, cloth o sil"er, gold, tissue or "el"et embroidered, as they thought it. Their go!ns !ere e"ery !hit as costly as those o the ladies. Their girdles !ere o silks, o the colour o their doublets. 1"ery one had a gallant s!ord by his side, the hilt and handle !hereo !ere gilt, and the scabbard o "el"et, o the colour o his breeches, !ith a chape o gold, and pure goldsmith's !ork. The dagger !as o the same. Their caps or bonnets !ere o black "el"et, adorned !ith je!els and buttons o gold. 8pon that they !ore a !hite plume, most prettily and minion$like parted by so many ro!s o gold spangles, at the end !hereo hung dangling in a more sparkling resplendency air rubies, emeralds, diamonds, Nc., but there !as such a sympathy bet!i?t the gallants and the ladies, that e"ery day they !ere apparelled in the same li"ery. *nd that they might not miss, there !ere certain gentlemen appointed to tell the youths e"ery morning !hat "estments the ladies !ould on that day !ear& or all !as done according to the pleasure o the ladies. 5n these so handsome clothes, and habiliments so rich, think not that either one or other o either se? did !aste any time at allE or the masters o the !ardrobes had all their raiments and apparel so ready or e"ery morning, and the chamber$ladies so !ell skilled, that in a trice they !ould be dressed and completely in their clothes rom head to oot. *nd to ha"e those accoutrements !ith the more con"eniency, there !as about the !ood o Theleme a ro! o houses o the e?tent o hal a league, "ery neat and cleanly, !herein d!elt the goldsmiths, lapidaries,

je!ellers, embroiderers, tailors, gold$dra!ers, "el"et$!ea"ers, tapestry$makers and upholsterers, !ho !rought there e"ery one in his o!n trade, and all or the a oresaid jolly riars and nuns o the ne! stamp. They !ere urnished !ith matter and stu rom the hands o the %ord 9ausiclete, !ho e"ery year brought them se"en ships rom the Perlas and Cannibal 5slands, laden !ith ingots o gold, !ith ra! silk, !ith pearls and precious stones. *nd i any margarites, called unions, began to gro! old and lose some!hat o their natural !hiteness and lustre, those !ith their art they did rene! by tendering them to eat to some pretty cocks, as they use to gi"e casting unto ha!ks.

Chapter 3.%=55. (o! the Thelemites !ere go"erned, and o their manner o li"ing. *ll their li e !as spent not in la!s, statutes, or rules, but according to their o!n ree !ill and pleasure. They rose out o their beds !hen they thought goodE they did eat, drink, labour, sleep, !hen they had a mind to it and !ere disposed or it. 9one did a!ake them, none did o er to constrain them to eat, drink, nor to do any other thingE or so had Gargantua established it. 5n all their rule and strictest tie o their order there !as but this one clause to be obser"ed, )o ;hat Thou ;iltE because men that are ree, !ell$born, !ell$bred, and con"ersant in honest companies, ha"e naturally an instinct and spur that prompteth them unto "irtuous actions, and !ithdra!s them rom "ice, !hich is called honour. Those same men, !hen by base subjection and constraint they are brought under and kept do!n, turn aside rom that noble disposition by !hich they ormerly !ere inclined to "irtue, to shake o and break that bond o ser"itude !herein they are so tyrannously ensla"edE or it is agreeable !ith the nature o man to long a ter things orbidden and to desire !hat is denied us. By this liberty they entered into a "ery laudable emulation to do all o them !hat they sa! did please one. 5 any o the gallants or ladies should say, %et us drink, they !ould all drink. 5 any one o them said, %et us play, they all played. 5 one said, %et us go a$!alking into the ields they !ent all. 5 it !ere to go a$ha!king or a$hunting, the ladies mounted upon dainty !ell$paced nags, seated in a stately pal rey saddle, carried on their lo"ely ists, miniardly beglo"ed e"ery one o them, either a sparro!ha!k or a laneret or a marlin, and the young gallants carried the other kinds o ha!ks. +o nobly !ere they taught, that there !as neither he nor she amongst them but could read, !rite, sing, play upon se"eral musical instruments, speak i"e or si? se"eral languages, and compose in them all "ery >uaintly, both in "erse and prose. 9e"er !ere seen so "aliant knights, so noble and !orthy, so de?terous and skil ul both on oot and a$horse$back, more brisk and li"ely, more nimble and >uick, or better handling all manner o !eapons than !ere there. 9e"er !ere seen ladies so proper and handsome, so miniard and dainty, less ro!ard, or more ready !ith their hand and !ith their needle in e"ery honest and ree action belonging to that se?, than !ere there. For this reason, !hen the time came that any man o the said abbey, either at the re>uest o his parents, or or some other cause, had a mind to go out o it, he carried along !ith

him one o the ladies, namely, her !hom he had be ore that chosen or his mistress, and @theyD !ere married together. *nd i they had ormerly in Theleme li"ed in good de"otion and amity, they did continue therein and increase it to a greater height in their state o matrimonyE and did entertain that mutual lo"e till the "ery last day o their li e, in no less "igour and er"ency than at the "ery day o their !edding. (ere must not 5 orget to set do!n unto you a riddle !hich !as ound under the ground as they !ere laying the oundation o the abbey, engra"en in a copper plate, and it !as thus as ollo!eth.

Chapter 3.%=555. * prophetical Riddle. Poor mortals, !ho !ait or a happy day, Cheer up your hearts, and hear !hat 5 shall say& 5 it be la! ul irmly to belie"e That the celestial bodies can us gi"e ;isdom to judge o things that are not yetE 'r i rom hea"en such !isdom !e may get *s may !ith con idence make us discourse ' years to come, their destiny and courseE 5 to my hearers gi"e to understand That this ne?t !inter, though it be at hand, #ea and be ore, there shall appear a race ' men !ho, loth to sit still in one place, +hall boldly go be ore all people's eyes, +uborning men o di"ers >ualities To dra! them unto co"enants and sides, 5n such a manner that, !hate'er betides, They'll mo"e you, i you gi"e them ear, no doubt, ;ith both your riends and kindred to all out. They'll make a "assal to gain$stand his lord, *nd children their o!n parentsE in a !ord, *ll re"erence shall then be banished, 9o true respect to other shall be had. They'll say that e"ery man should ha"e his turn, Both in his going orth and his returnE *nd hereupon there shall arise such !oes, +uch jarrings, and con used to's and ro's, That ne"er !ere in history such coils +et do!n as yet, such tumults and garboils. Then shall you many gallant men see by =alour stirr'd up, and youth ul er"ency, ;ho, trusting too much in their hope ul time, %i"e but a !hile, and perish in their prime. 9either shall any, !ho this course shall run, %ea"e o the race !hich he hath once begun, Till they the hea"ens !ith noise by their contention (a"e ill'd, and !ith their steps the earth's dimension. Then those shall ha"e no less authority, That ha"e no aith, than those that !ill not lieE For all shall be go"erned by a rude, Base, ignorant, and oolish multitudeE The "eriest lout o all shall be their judge,

' horrible and dangerous delugeL )eluge 5 call it, and that or good reason, For this shall be omitted in no seasonE 9or shall the earth o this oul stir be ree, Till suddenly you in great store shall see The !aters issue out, !ith !hose streams the <ost moderate o all shall moistened be, *nd justly tooE because they did not spare The locks o beasts that innocentest are, But did their sine!s and their bo!els take, 9ot to the gods a sacri ice to make, But usually to ser"e themsel"es or sport& *nd no! consider, 5 do you e?hort, 5n such commotions so continual, ;hat rest can take the globe terrestrialK <ost happy then are they, that can it hold, *nd use it care ully as precious gold, By keeping it in gaol, !hence it shall ha"e 9o help but him !ho being to it ga"e. *nd to increase his mourn ul accident, The sun, be ore it set in th' occident, +hall cease to dart upon it any light, <ore than in an eclipse, or in the night,$$ +o that at once its a"our shall be gone, *nd liberty !ith it be le t alone. *nd yet, be ore it come to ruin thus, 5ts >uaking shall be as impetuous *s *etna's !as !hen Titan's sons lay under, *nd yield, !hen lost, a ear ul sound like thunder. 5narime did not more >uickly mo"e, ;hen Typheus did the "ast huge hills remo"e, *nd or despite into the sea them thre!. Thus shall it then be lost by !ays not e!, *nd changed suddenly, !hen those that ha"e it To other men that a ter come shall lea"e it. Then shall it be high time to cease rom this +o long, so great, so tedious e?erciseE For the great !aters told you no! by me, ;ill make each think !here his retreat shall beE *nd yet, be ore that they be clean disperst, #ou may behold in th' air, !here nought !as erst, The burning heat o a great lame to rise, %ick up the !ater, and the enterprise. 5t resteth a ter those things to declare, That those shall sit content !ho chosen are, ;ith all good things, and !ith celestial man @ne,D *nd richly recompensed e"ery man& The others at the last all stripp'd shall be, That a ter this great !ork all men may see, (o! each shall ha"e his due. This is their lotE ' he is !orthy praise that shrinketh notL 9o sooner !as this enigmatical monument read o"er, but Gargantua, etching a "ery deep sigh, said unto those that stood by, 5t is not no! only, 5 percei"e, that people called to the aith o the gospel, and con"inced !ith the certainty o e"angelical truths, are persecuted. But happy is that man that shall not be scandaliHed, but shall al!ays continue to the end in

aiming at that mark !hich God by his dear +on hath set be ore us, !ithout being distracted or di"erted by his carnal a ections and depra"ed nature. The monk then said, ;hat do you think in your conscience is meant and signi ied by this riddleK ;hatK said Gargantua,$$the progress and carrying on o the di"ine truth. By +t. Goderan, said the monk, that is not my e?position. 5t is the style o the prophet <erlin. <ake upon it as many gra"e allegories and glosses as you !ill, and dote upon it you and the rest o the !orld as long as you pleaseE or my part, 5 can concei"e no other meaning in it but a description o a set at tennis in dark and obscure terms. The suborners o men are the makers o matches, !hich are commonly riends. * ter the t!o chases are made, he that !as in the upper end o the tennis$court goeth out, and the other cometh in. They belie"e the irst that saith the ball !as o"er or under the line. The !aters are the heats that the players take till they s!eat again. The cords o the rackets are made o the guts o sheep or goats. The globe terrestrial is the tennis$ball. * ter playing, !hen the game is done, they re resh themsel"es be ore a clear ire, and change their shirtsE and "ery !illingly they make all good cheer, but most merrily those that ha"e gained. *nd so, are!ellL 1nd book 3 T(1 +1C'9) B'':.

For the Reader. The Reader here may be pleased to take notice that the copy o "erses by the title o 'Rablophila', premised to the irst book o this translation, being but a kind o mock poem, in imitation o some!hat lately published @as to any indi erent obser"er !ill easily appear, by the alse >uantities in the %atin, the abusi"e strain o the 1nglish, and e?tra"agant subscription to bothD, and as such, by a riend o the translator's, at the desire o some rolic gentlemen o his ac>uaintance, more or a trial o skill than prejudicacy to any, composed in his jollity to please their ancies, !as only ordained to be pre i?ed to a doHen o books, and no more, thereby to sa"e the labour o transcribing so many as !ere re>uisite or satis ying the curiosity o a company o just that numberE and that, there ore, the charging o the !hole impression !ith it is merely to be imputed to the negligence o the pressmen, !ho, recei"ing it about the latter end o the night, !ere so eager be ore the ne?t morning to a ord complete books, that, as they began, they !ent on, !ithout animad"erting !hat !as recommended to their discretion. This is hoped !ill su ice to assure the ingenuous Reader that in no treatise o the translator's, !hether original or translatitious, shall !illingly be o ered the meanest rub to the reputation o any !orthy gentleman, and that, ho!e"er pro"idence dispose o him, no mis ortune shall be able to induce his mind to any complacency in the disparagement o another. *gain. The Pentateuch o Rabelais mentioned in the title$page o the irst book o this translation being !ritten originally in the French tongue @as it

comprehendeth some o its brus>uest dialectsD, !ith so much ingeniosity and !it, that more impressions ha"e been sold thereo in that language than o any other book that hath been set orth at any time !ithin these i teen hundred yearsE so di icult ne"ertheless to be turned into any other speech that many prime spirits in most o the nations o 1urope, since the year 3BGC, !hich !as ourscore years ago, a ter ha"ing attempted it, !ere constrained !ith no small regret to gi"e it o"er as a thing impossible to be done, is no! in its translation thus ar ad"anced, and the remainder aith ully undertaken !ith the same hand to be rendered into 1nglish by a person o >uality, !ho @though his lands be se>uestered, his house garrisoned, his other goods sold, and himsel detained a prisoner o !ar at %ondon, or his ha"ing been at ;orcester ightD hath, at the most earnest entreaty o some o his especial riends !ell ac>uainted !ith his inclination to the per ormance o conducible singularities, promised, besides his "ersion o these t!o already published, "ery speedily to o er up unto this 5sle o Britain the "irginity o the translation o the other three most admirable books o the a oresaid authorE pro"ided that by the plurality o judicious and understanding men it be not declared he hath already proceeded too ar, or that the continuation o the rigour !hereby he is dispossessed o all his both real and personal estate, by pressing too hard upon him, be not an impediment thereto, and to other more eminent undertakings o his, as hath been o tentimes "ery ully mentioned by the said translator in se"eral original treatises o his o!n penning, lately by him so numerously dispersed that there is scarce any, !ho being skil ul in the 1nglish idiom, or curious o any ne! ingenious in"ention, hath not either read them or heard o them.

<r. (ugh +alel to Rabelais. 5 pro it mi?ed !ith pleasure may su ice T' e?tol an author's !orth abo"e the skies, Thou certainly or both must praised be& 5 kno! itE or thy judgment hath in the Conte?ture o this book set do!n such high Contentments, mingled !ith utility, That @as 5 thinkD 5 see )emocritus %aughing at men as things ridiculous. 5nsist in thy designE or, though !e pro"e 8ngrate on earth, thy merit is abo"e.

The *uthor's Prologue. <ost illustrious and thrice "alorous champions, gentlemen and others, !ho !illingly apply your minds to the entertainment o pretty conceits and honest harmless knacks o !itE you ha"e not long ago seen, read, and understood the great and inestimable Chronicle o the huge and mighty giant Gargantua, and, like upright aith ullists, ha"e irmly belie"ed all to be true that is contained in them, and ha"e "ery o ten passed your time !ith them amongst honourable ladies and gentle!omen, telling them air long stories, !hen you !ere out o all other talk, or !hich you are !orthy o great praise and sempiternal memory. *nd 5 do heartily !ish that e"ery man !ould lay aside his o!n business, meddle no more !ith his pro ession nor trade, and thro! all a airs concerning himsel behind his back, to attend

this !holly, !ithout distracting or troubling his mind !ith anything else, until he ha"e learned them !ithout bookE that i by chance the art o printing should cease, or in case that in time to come all books should perish, e"ery man might truly teach them unto his children, and deli"er them o"er to his successors and sur"i"ors rom hand to hand as a religious cabalE or there is in it more pro it than a rabble o great pocky loggerheads are able to discern, !ho surely understand ar less in these little merriments than the ool Raclet did in the 5nstitutions o 7ustinian. 5 ha"e kno!n great and mighty lords, and o those not a e!, !ho, going a$deer$hunting, or a$ha!king a ter !ild ducks, !hen the chase had not encountered !ith the blinks that !ere cast in her !ay to retard her course, or that the ha!k did but plain and smoothly ly !ithout mo"ing her !ings, percei"ing the prey by orce o light to ha"e gained bounds o her, ha"e been much cha ed and "e?ed, as you understand !ell enoughE but the com ort unto !hich they had re uge, and that they might not take cold, !as to relate the inestimable deeds o the said Gargantua. There are others in the !orld$$these are no lim lam stories, nor tales o a tub$$!ho, being much troubled !ith the toothache, a ter they had spent their goods upon physicians !ithout recei"ing at all any ease o their pain, ha"e ound no more ready remedy than to put the said Chronicles bet!i?t t!o pieces o linen cloth made some!hat hot, and so apply them to the place that smarteth, sinapiHing them !ith a little po!der o projection, other!ise called doribus. But !hat shall 5 say o those poor men that are plagued !ith the po? and the goutK ' ho! o ten ha"e !e seen them, e"en immediately a ter they !ere anointed and thoroughly greased, till their aces did glister like the keyhole o a po!dering tub, their teeth dance like the jacks o a pair o little organs or "irginals !hen they are played upon, and that they oamed rom their "ery throats like a boar !hich the mongrel masti $hounds ha"e dri"en in and o"erthro!n amongst the toils,$$!hat did they thenK *ll their consolation !as to ha"e some page o the said jolly book read unto them. *nd !e ha"e seen those !ho ha"e gi"en themsel"es to a hundred puncheons o old de"ils, in case that they did not eel a mani est ease and assuagement o pain at the hearing o the said book read, e"en !hen they !ere kept in a purgatory o tormentE no more nor less than !omen in tra"ail use to ind their sorro! abated !hen the li e o +t. <argaret is read unto them. 5s this nothingK Find me a book in any language, in any aculty or science !hatsoe"er, that hath such "irtues, properties, and prerogati"es, and 5 !ill be content to pay you a >uart o tripes. 9o, my masters, noE it is peerless, incomparable, and not to be matchedE and this am 5 resol"ed or e"er to maintain e"en unto the ire e?clusi"e. *nd those that !ill pertinaciously hold the contrary opinion, let them be accounted abusers, predestinators, impostors, and seducers o the people. 5t is "ery true that there are ound in some gallant and stately books, !orthy o high estimation, certain occult and hid propertiesE in the number o !hich are reckoned ;hippot, 'rlando Furioso, Robert the )e"il, Fierabras, ;illiam !ithout Fear, (uon o Bordeau?, <onte"ille, and <atabrune& but they are not comparable to that !hich !e speak o , and the !orld hath !ell kno!n by in allible e?perience the great emolument and utility !hich it hath recei"ed by this Gargantuine Chronicle, or the printers ha"e sold more o them in t!o months' time than there !ill be bought o Bibles in nine years. 5 there ore, your humble sla"e, being "ery !illing to increase your solace and recreation yet a little more, do o er you or a present another book

o the same stamp, only that it is a little more reasonable and !orthy o credit than the other !as. For think not, unless you !il ully !ill err against your kno!ledge, that 5 speak o it as the 7e!s do o the %a!. 5 !as not born under such a planet, neither did it e"er be all me to lie, or a irm a thing or true that !as not. 5 speak o it like a lusty rolic onocrotary @'nocratal is a bird not much unlike a s!an, !hich sings like an ass's braying.D, 5 should say crotenotary @Crotenotaire or notaire crotte, cro>uenotaire or notaire cro>ue are but allusions in derision o protonotaire, !hich signi ieth a pregnotary.D o the martyriHed lo"ers, and cro>uenotary o lo"e. Juod "idimus, testamur. 5t is o the horrible and dread ul eats and pro!esses o Pantagruel, !hose menial ser"ant 5 ha"e been e"er since 5 !as a page, till this hour that by his lea"e 5 am permitted to "isit my co!$country, and to kno! i any o my kindred there be ali"e. *nd there ore, to make an end o this Prologue, e"en as 5 gi"e mysel to a hundred panniers ul o air de"ils, body and soul, tripes and guts, in case that 5 lie so much as one single !ord in this !hole historyE a ter the like manner, +t. *nthony's ire burn you, <ahoom's disease !hirl you, the s>uinance !ith a stitch in your side and the !ol in your stomach truss you, the bloody lu? seiHe upon you, the cursed sharp in lammations o !ild$ ire, as slender and thin as co!'s hair strengthened !ith >uicksil"er, enter into your undament, and, like those o +odom and Gomorrah, may you all into sulphur, ire, and bottomless pits, in case you do not irmly belie"e all that 5 shall relate unto you in this present Chronicle.

T(1 +1C'9) B'':. Chapter -.5. ' the original and anti>uity o the great Pantagruel. 5t !ill not be an idle nor unpro itable thing, seeing !e are at leisure, to put you in mind o the ountain and original source !hence is deri"ed unto us the good Pantagruel. For 5 see that all good historiographers ha"e thus handled their chronicles, not only the *rabians, Barbarians, and %atins, but also the gentle Greeks, !ho !ere eternal drinkers. #ou must there ore remark that at the beginning o the !orld$$5 speak o a long timeE it is abo"e orty >uarantains, or orty times orty nights, according to the supputation o the ancient )ruids$$a little a ter that *bel !as killed by his brother Cain, the earth, imbrued !ith the blood o the just, !as one year so e?ceeding ertile in all those ruits !hich it usually produceth to us, and especially in medlars, that e"er since throughout all ages it hath been called the year o the great medlarsE or three o them did ill a bushel. 5n it the kalends !ere ound by the Grecian almanacks. There !as that year nothing o the month o <arch in the time o %ent, and the middle o *ugust !as in <ay. 5n the month o 'ctober, as 5 take it, or at least +eptember, that 5 may not err, or 5 !ill care ully take heed o that, !as the !eek so amous in the annals, !hich they call the !eek o the three ThursdaysE or it had three o them by means o their irregular leap$years, called Bisse?tiles, occasioned by the sun's ha"ing tripped and stumbled a

little to!ards the le t hand, like a debtor a raid o sergeants, coming right upon him to arrest him& and the moon "aried rom her course abo"e i"e athom, and there !as mani estly seen the motion o trepidation in the irmament o the i?ed stars, called *planes, so that the middle Pleiade, lea"ing her ello!s, declined to!ards the e>uinoctial, and the star named +pica le t the constellation o the =irgin to !ithdra! hersel to!ards the Balance, kno!n by the name o %ibra, !hich are cases "ery terrible, and matters so hard and di icult that astrologians cannot set their teeth in themE and indeed their teeth had been pretty long i they could ha"e reached thither. (o!e"er, account you it or a truth that e"erybody then did most heartily eat o these medlars, or they !ere air to the eye and in taste delicious. But e"en as 9oah, that holy man, to !hom !e are so much beholding, bound, and obliged, or that he planted to us the "ine, rom !hence !e ha"e that nectarian, delicious, precious, hea"enly, joy ul, and dei ic li>uor !hich they call the piot or tiplage, !as decei"ed in the drinking o it, or he !as ignorant o the great "irtue and po!er thereo E so like!ise the men and !omen o that time did delight much in the eating o that air great ruit, but di"ers and "ery di erent accidents did ensue thereuponE or there ell upon them all in their bodies a most terrible s!elling, but not upon all in the same place, or some !ere s!ollen in the belly, and their belly strouted out big like a great tun, o !hom it is !ritten, =entrem omnipotentem, !ho !ere all "ery honest men, and merry blades. *nd o this race came +t. Fatgulch and +hro"e Tuesday @Pansart, <ardigras.D. 'thers did s!ell at the shoulders, !ho in that place !ere so crump and knobby that they !ere there ore called <onti ers, !hich is as much to say as (ill$carriers, o !hom you see some yet in the !orld, o di"ers se?es and degrees. ' this race came *esop, some o !hose e?cellent !ords and deeds you ha"e in !riting. +ome other pu s did s!ell in length by the member !hich they call the labourer o nature, in such sort that it gre! mar"ellous long, at, great, lusty, stirring, and crest$risen, in the anti>ue ashion, so that they made use o it as o a girdle, !inding it i"e or si? times about their !aist& but i it happened the oresaid member to be in good case, spooming !ith a ull sail bunt air be ore the !ind, then to ha"e seen those strouting champions, you !ould ha"e taken them or men that had their lances settled on their rest to run at the ring or tilting !hintam @>uintainD. ' these, belie"e me, the race is utterly lost and >uite e?tinct, as the !omen sayE or they do lament continually that there are none e?tant no! o those great, Nc. #ou kno! the rest o the song. 'thers did gro! in matter o ballocks so enormously that three o them !ould !ell ill a sack able to contain i"e >uarters o !heat. From them are descended the ballocks o %orraine, !hich ne"er d!ell in codpieces, but all do!n to the bottom o the breeches. 'thers gre! in the legs, and to see them you !ould ha"e said they had been cranes, or the reddish$long$billed$storklike$scrank$legged sea$ o!ls called lamans, or else men !alking upon stilts or scatches. The little grammar$school boys, kno!n by the name o Grimos, called those leg$gro!n slangams 7ambus, in allusion to the French !ord jambe, !hich signi ieth a leg. 5n others, their nose did gro! so, that it seemed to be the beak o a limbeck, in e"ery part thereo most "ariously diapered !ith the t!inkling sparkles o crimson blisters budding orth, and purpled !ith pimples all enamelled !ith thickset !heals o a sanguine colour, bordered !ith gulesE and such ha"e you seen the Canon or Prebend PanHoult, and ;ooden oot, the physician o *ngiers. ' !hich race there !ere e! that looked the ptisane, but all o them !ere per ect lo"ers o the pure +eptembral juice. 9aso and '"id had their e?traction rom thence, and all those o !hom it is !ritten, 9e

reminiscaris. 'thers gre! in ears, !hich they had so big that out o one !ould ha"e been stu enough got to make a doublet, a pair o breeches, and a jacket, !hilst !ith the other they might ha"e co"ered themsel"es as !ith a +panish cloak& and they say that in Bourbonnois this race remaineth yet. 'thers gre! in length o body, and o those came the Giants, and o them Pantagruel. *nd the irst !as Chalbroth, ;ho begat +arabroth, ;ho begat Faribroth, ;ho begat (urtali, that !as a bra"e eater o pottage, and reigned in the time o the loodE ;ho begat 9embroth, ;ho begat *tlas, that !ith his shoulders kept the sky rom allingE ;ho begat Goliah, ;ho begat 1ri?, that in"ented the hocus pocus plays o legerdemainE ;ho begat Titius, ;ho begat 1ryon, ;ho begat Polyphemus, ;ho begat Cacus, ;ho begat 1tion, the irst man that e"er had the po?, or not drinking resh in summer, as Bartachin !itnessethE ;ho begat 1nceladus, ;ho begat Ceus, ;ho begat Tiphaeus, ;ho begat *laeus, ;ho begat 'thus, ;ho begat *egeon, ;ho begat Briareus, that had a hundred handsE ;ho begat Porphyrio, ;ho begat *damastor, ;ho begat *nteus, ;ho begat *gatho, ;ho begat Porus, against !hom ought *le?ander the GreatE ;ho begat *ranthas, ;ho begat Gabbara, that !as the irst in"entor o the drinking o healthsE ;ho begat Goliah o +econdille, ;ho begat ' ot, that !as terribly !ell nosed or drinking at the barrel$headE ;ho begat *rtachaeus, ;ho begat 'romedon, ;ho begat Gemmagog, the irst in"entor o Poulan shoes, !hich are open on the oot and tied o"er the instep !ith a lachetE ;ho begat +isyphus, ;ho begat the Titans, o !hom (ercules !as bornE ;ho begat 1nay, the most skil ul man that e"er !as in matter o taking the little !orms @called cironsD out o the handsE ;ho begat Fierabras, that !as "an>uished by 'li"er, peer o France and Roland's comradeE ;ho begat <organ, the irst in the !orld that played at dice !ith spectaclesE ;ho begat Fracassus, o !hom <erlin Coccaius hath !ritten, and o him !as born Ferragus, ;ho begat (apmouche, the irst that e"er in"ented the drying o neat's tongues in the chimneyE or, be ore that, people salted them as they do no! gammons o baconE

;ho begat Boli"ora?, ;ho begat %ongis, ;ho begat Gayo o, !hose ballocks !ere o poplar, and his pr... o the ser"ice or sorb$apple$treeE ;ho begat <asche ain, ;ho begat Brusle er, ;ho begat *ngoule"ent, ;ho begat Galehaut, the in"entor o lagonsE ;ho begat <irelangaut, ;ho begat Galla re, ;ho begat Falourdin, ;ho begat Roboast, ;ho begat +ortibrant o Conimbres, ;ho begat Brushant o <ommiere, ;ho begat Bruyer that !as o"ercome by 'gier the )ane, peer o FranceE ;ho begat <abrun, ;ho begat Foutasnon, ;ho begat (a>uelebac, ;ho begat =itdegrain, ;ho begat Grangousier, ;ho begat Gargantua, ;ho begat the noble Pantagruel, my master. 5 kno! that, reading this passage, you !ill make a doubt !ithin yoursel"es, and that grounded upon "ery good reason, !hich is this$$ho! it is possible that this relation can be true, seeing at the time o the lood all the !orld !as destroyed, e?cept 9oah and se"en persons more !ith him in the ark, into !hose number (urtali is not admitted. )oubtless the demand is !ell made and "ery apparent, but the ans!er shall satis y you, or my !it is not rightly caulked. *nd because 5 !as not at that time to tell you anything o my o!n ancy, 5 !ill bring unto you the authority o the <assorets, good honest ello!s, true ballockeering blades and e?act (ebraical bagpipers, !ho a irm that "erily the said (urtali !as not !ithin the ark o 9oah, neither could he get in, or he !as too big, but he sat astride upon it, !ith one leg on the one side and another on the other, as little children use to do upon their !ooden horsesE or as the great bull o Berne, !hich !as killed at <arinian, did ride or his hackney the great murdering piece called the canon$pe"ier, a pretty beast o a air and pleasant amble !ithout all >uestion. 5n that posture, he, a ter God, sa"ed the said ark rom danger, or !ith his legs he ga"e it the brangle that !as need ul, and !ith his oot turned it !hither he pleased, as a ship ans!ereth her rudder. Those that !ere !ithin sent him up "ictuals in abundance by a chimney, as people "ery thank ully ackno!ledging the good that he did them. *nd sometimes they did talk together as 5caromenippus did to 7upiter, according to the report o %ucian. (a"e you understood all this !ellK )rink then one good draught !ithout !ater, or i you belie"e it not,$$no truly do 5 not, >uoth she.

Chapter -.55. ' the nati"ity o the most dread and redoubted Pantagruel. Gargantua at the age o our hundred ourscore orty and our years begat

his son Pantagruel, upon his !i e named Badebec, daughter to the king o the *maurots in 8topia, !ho died in childbirthE or he !as so !onder ully great and lumpish that he could not possibly come orth into the light o the !orld !ithout thus su ocating his mother. But that !e may ully understand the cause and reason o the name o Pantagruel !hich at his baptism !as gi"en him, you are to remark that in that year there !as so great drought o"er all the country o * rica that there passed thirty and si? months, three !eeks, our days, thirteen hours and a little more !ithout rain, but !ith a heat so "ehement that the !hole earth !as parched and !ithered by it. 9either !as it more scorched and dried up !ith heat in the days o 1lijah than it !as at that timeE or there !as not a tree to be seen that had either lea or bloom upon it. The grass !as !ithout "erdure or greenness, the ri"ers !ere drained, the ountains dried up, the poor ishes, abandoned and orsaken by their proper element, !andering and crying upon the ground most horribly. The birds did all do!n rom the air or !ant o moisture and de! !here!ith to re resh them. The !ol"es, o?es, harts, !ild boars, allo! deer, hares, coneys, !easels, brocks, badgers, and other such beasts, !ere ound dead in the ields !ith their mouths open. 5n respect o men, there !as the pity, you should ha"e seen them lay out their tongues like hares that ha"e been run si? hours. <any did thro! themsel"es into the !ells. 'thers entered !ithin a co!'s belly to be in the shadeE those (omer calls *libants. *ll the country !as idle, and could do no "irtue. 5t !as a most lamentable case to ha"e seen the labour o mortals in de ending themsel"es rom the "ehemency o this horri ic droughtE or they had !ork enough to do to sa"e the holy !ater in the churches rom being !astedE but there !as such order taken by the counsel o my lords the cardinals and o our holy Father, that none did dare to take abo"e one lick. #et !hen anyone came into the church, you should ha"e seen abo"e t!enty poor thirsty ello!s hang upon him that !as the distributor o the !ater, and that !ith a !ide open throat, gaping or some little drop, like the rich glutton in %uke, that might all by, lest anything should be lost. ' ho! happy !as he in that year !ho had a cool cellar under ground, !ell plenished !ith resh !ineL The philosopher reports, in mo"ing the >uestion, ;here ore it is that the sea$!ater is salt, that at the time !hen Phoebus ga"e the go"ernment o his resplendent chariot to his son Phaeton, the said Phaeton, unskil ul in the art, and not kno!ing ho! to keep the ecliptic line bet!i?t the t!o tropics o the latitude o the sun's course, strayed out o his !ay, and came so near the earth that he dried up all the countries that !ere under it, burning a great part o the hea"ens !hich the philosophers call =ia lactea, and the hu snu s +t. 7ames's !ayE although the most coped, lo ty, and high$crested poets a irm that to be the place !here 7uno's milk ell !hen she ga"e suck to (ercules. The earth at that time !as so e?cessi"ely heated that it ell into an enormous s!eat, yea, such a one as made it s!eat out the sea, !hich is there ore salt, because all s!eat is saltE and this you cannot but con ess to be true i you !ill taste o your o!n, or o those that ha"e the po?, !hen they are put into s!eating, it is all one to me. 7ust such another case ell out this same year& or on a certain Friday, !hen the !hole people !ere bent upon their de"otions, and had made goodly processions, !ith store o litanies, and air preachings, and beseechings o God *lmighty to look do!n !ith his eye o mercy upon their miserable and disconsolate condition, there !as e"en then "isibly seen issue out o the ground great drops o !ater, such as all rom a pu $bagged man in a top s!eat, and the poor hoidens began to rejoice as i it had been a thing "ery

pro itable unto themE or some said that there !as not one drop o moisture in the air !hence they might ha"e any rain, and that the earth did supply the de ault o that. 'ther learned men said that it !as a sho!er o the antipodes, as +eneca saith in his ourth book Juaestionum naturalium, speaking o the source and spring o 9ilus. But they !ere decei"ed, or, the procession being ended, !hen e"eryone !ent about to gather o this de!, and to drink o it !ith ull bo!ls, they ound that it !as nothing but pickle and the "ery brine o salt, more brackish in taste than the saltest !ater o the sea. *nd because in that "ery day Pantagruel !as born, his ather ga"e him that nameE or Panta in Greek is as much to say as all, and Gruel in the (agarene language doth signi y thirsty, in erring hereby that at his birth the !hole !orld !as a$dry and thirsty, as like!ise oreseeing that he !ould be some day supreme lord and so"ereign o the thirsty 1thrappels, !hich !as sho!n to him at that "ery same hour by a more e"ident sign. For !hen his mother Badebec !as in the bringing o him orth, and that the mid!i"es did !ait to recei"e him, there came irst out o her belly three score and eight tregeneers, that is, salt$sellers, e"ery one o them leading in a halter a mule hea"y laden !ith saltE a ter !hom issued orth nine dromedaries, !ith great loads o gammons o bacon and dried neat's tongues on their backs. Then ollo!ed se"en camels loaded !ith links and chitterlings, hogs' puddings, and sausages. * ter them came out i"e great !ains, ull o leeks, garlic, onions, and chibots, dra!n !ith i"e$and$thirty strong cart$horses, !hich !as si? or e"ery one, besides the thiller. *t the sight hereo the said mid!i"es !ere much amaHed, yet some o them said, %o, here is good pro"ision, and indeed !e need itE or !e drink but laHily, as i our tongues !alked on crutches, and not lustily like %ansman )utches. Truly this is a good signE there is nothing here but !hat is it or usE these are the spurs o !ine, that set it a$going. *s they !ere tattling thus together a ter their o!n manner o chat, beholdL out comes Pantagruel all hairy like a bear, !hereupon one o them, inspired !ith a prophetical spirit, said, This !ill be a terrible ello!E he is born !ith all his hairE he is undoubtedly to do !onder ul things, and i he li"e he shall ha"e age.

Chapter -.555. ' the grie !here!ith Gargantua !as mo"ed at the decease o his !i e Badebec. ;hen Pantagruel !as born, there !as none more astonished and perple?ed than !as his ather GargantuaE or o the one side seeing his !i e Badebec dead, and on the other side his son Pantagruel born, so air and so great, he kne! not !hat to say nor !hat to do. *nd the doubt that troubled his brain !as to kno! !hether he should cry or the death o his !i e or laugh or the joy o his son. (e !as hinc inde choked !ith sophistical arguments, or he ramed them "ery !ell in modo et igura, but he could not resol"e them, remaining pestered and entangled by this means, like a mouse caught in a trap or kite snared in a gin. +hall 5 !eepK said he. #es, or !hyK <y so good !i e is dead, !ho !as the most this, the most that, that e"er !as in the !orld. 9e"er shall 5 see her, ne"er shall 5 reco"er such anotherE it is unto me an inestimable lossL ' my good God, !hat had 5 done that thou shouldest thus punish meK ;hy didst thou not take me a!ay be ore her, seeing or me to li"e !ithout her is but to languishK *h, Badebec, Badebec, my minion, my dear heart, my sugar, my s!eeting, my honey, my little c$$ @yet it had in circum erence ull si? acres, three rods, i"e

poles, our yards, t!o oot, one inch and a hal o good !oodland measureD, my tender peggy, my codpiece darling, my bob and hit, my slipshoe$lo"ey, ne"er shall 5 see theeL *h, poor Pantagruel, thou hast lost thy good mother, thy s!eet nurse, thy !ell$belo"ed ladyL ' alse death, ho! injurious and despite ul hast thou been to meL (o! malicious and outrageous ha"e 5 ound thee in taking her rom me, my !ell$belo"ed !i e, to !hom immortality did o right belongL ;ith these !ords he did cry like a co!, but on a sudden ell a$laughing like a cal , !hen Pantagruel came into his mind. (a, my little son, said he, my childilolly, edli ondy, dandlichucky, my ballocky, my pretty rogueL ' ho! jolly thou art, and ho! much am 5 bound to my gracious God, that hath been pleased to besto! on me a son so air, so sprite ul, so li"ely, so smiling, so pleasant, and so gentleL (o, ho, ho, ho, ho! glad 5 amL %et us drink, ho, and put a!ay melancholyL Bring o the best, rinse the glasses, lay the cloth, dri"e out these dogs, blo! this ire, light candles, shut that door there, cut this bread in sippets or bre!is, send a!ay these poor olks in gi"ing them !hat they ask, hold my go!n. 5 !ill strip mysel into my doublet @en cuerpoD, to make the gossips merry, and keep them company. *s he spake this, he heard the litanies and the mementos o the priests that carried his !i e to be buried, upon !hich he le t the good purpose he !as in, and !as suddenly ra"ished another !ay, saying, %ord GodL must 5 again contrist mysel K This grie"es me. 5 am no longer young, 5 gro! old, the !eather is dangerousE 5 may perhaps take an ague, then shall 5 be oiled, i not >uite undone. By the aith o a gentleman, it !ere better to cry less, and drink more. <y !i e is dead, !ell, by G$$L @da jurandiD 5 shall not raise her again by my crying& she is !ell, she is in paradise at least, i she be no higher& she prayeth to God or us, she is happy, she is abo"e the sense o our miseries, nor can our calamities reach her. ;hat though she be dead, must not !e also dieK The same debt !hich she hath paid hangs o"er our headsE nature !ill re>uire it o us, and !e must all o us some day taste o the same sauce. %et her pass then, and the %ord preser"e the sur"i"orsE or 5 must no! cast about ho! to get another !i e. But 5 !ill tell you !hat you shall do, said he to the mid!i"es, in France called !ise !omen @!here be they, good olksK 5 cannot see themD& Go you to my !i e's interment, and 5 !ill the !hile rock my sonE or 5 ind mysel some!hat altered and distempered, and should other!ise be in danger o alling sickE but drink one good draught irst, you !ill be the better or it. *nd belie"e me, upon mine honour, they at his re>uest !ent to her burial and uneral obse>uies. 5n the mean!hile, poor Gargantua staying at home, and !illing to ha"e some!hat in remembrance o her to be engra"en upon her tomb, made this epitaph in the manner as ollo!eth. )ead is the noble Badebec, ;ho had a ace like a rebeckE * +panish body, and a belly ' +!itHerlandE she died, 5 tell ye, 5n childbirth. Pray to God, that her (e pardon !herein she did err. (ere lies her body, !hich did li"e Free rom all "ice, as 5 belie"e, *nd did decease at my bedside, The year and day in !hich she died.

Chapter -.5=. ' the in ancy o Pantagruel. 5 ind by the ancient historiographers and poets that di"ers ha"e been born in this !orld a ter "ery strange manners, !hich !ould be too long to repeatE read there ore the se"enth chapter o Pliny, i you ha"e so much leisure. #et ha"e you ne"er heard o any so !onder ul as that o PantagruelE or it is a "ery di icult matter to belie"e, ho! in the little time he !as in his mother's belly he gre! both in body and strength. That !hich (ercules did !as nothing, !hen in his cradle he sle! t!o serpents, or those serpents !ere but little and !eak, but Pantagruel, being yet in the cradle, did ar more admirable things, and more to be amaHed at. 5 pass by here the relation o ho! at e"ery one o his meals he supped up the milk o our thousand and si? hundred co!s, and ho!, to make him a skillet to boil his milk in, there !ere set a$!ork all the braHiers o +omure in *njou, o =illedieu in 9ormandy, and o Bramont in %orraine. *nd they ser"ed in this !hitepot$meat to him in a huge great bell, !hich is yet to be seen in the city o Bourges in Berry, near the palace, but his teeth !ere already so !ell gro!n, and so strengthened !ith "igour, that o the said bell he bit o a great morsel, as "ery plainly doth appear till this hour. 'ne day in the morning, !hen they !ould ha"e made him suck one o his co!s $$ or he ne"er had any other nurse, as the history tells us$$he got one o his arms loose rom the s!addling bands !here!ith he !as kept ast in the cradle, laid hold on the said co! under the le t oreham, and grasping her to him ate up her udder and hal o her paunch, !ith the li"er and the kidneys, and had de"oured all up i she had not cried out most horribly, as i the !ol"es had held her by the legs, at !hich noise company came in and took a!ay the said co! rom Pantagruel. #et could they not so !ell do it but that the >uarter !hereby he caught her !as le t in his hand, o !hich >uarter he gulped up the lesh in a trice, e"en !ith as much ease as you !ould eat a sausage, and that so greedily !ith desire o more, that, !hen they !ould ha"e taken a!ay the bone rom him, he s!allo!ed it do!n !hole, as a cormorant !ould do a little ishE and a ter!ards began umblingly to say, Good, good, good$$ or he could not yet speak plain$$gi"ing them to understand thereby that he had ound it "ery good, and that he did lack but so much more. ;hich !hen they sa! that attended him, they bound him !ith great cable$ropes, like those that are made at Tain or the carriage o salt to %yons, or such as those are !hereby the great French ship rides at anchor in the road o 9e!ha"en in 9ormandy. But, on a certain time, a great bear, !hich his ather had bred, got loose, came to!ards him, began to lick his ace, or his nurses had not thoroughly !iped his chaps, at !hich une?pected approach being on a sudden o ended, he as lightly rid himsel o those great cables as +amson did o the ha!ser ropes !here!ith the Philistines had tied him, and, by your lea"e, takes me up my lord the bear, and tears him to you in pieces like a pullet, !hich ser"ed him or a gorge ul or good !arm bit or that meal. ;hereupon Gargantua, earing lest the child should hurt himsel , caused our great chains o iron to be made to bind him, and so many strong !ooden arches unto his cradle, most irmly stocked and morticed in huge rames. ' those chains you ha"e one at Rochelle, !hich they dra! up at night bet!i?t the t!o great to!ers o the ha"en. *nother is at %yons,$$a third at *ngiers,$$and the ourth !as carried a!ay by the de"ils to bind %uci er,

!ho broke his chains in those days by reason o a colic that did e?traordinarily torment him, taken !ith eating a sergeant's soul ried or his break ast. *nd there ore you may belie"e that !hich 9icholas de %yra saith upon that place o the Psalter !here it is !ritten, 1t 'g Regem Basan, that the said 'g, being yet little, !as so strong and robustious, that they !ere ain to bind him !ith chains o iron in his cradle. Thus continued Pantagruel or a !hile "ery calm and >uiet, or he !as not able so easily to break those chains, especially ha"ing no room in the cradle to gi"e a s!ing !ith his arms. But see !hat happened once upon a great holiday that his ather Gargantua made a sumptuous ban>uet to all the princes o his court. 5 am apt to belie"e that the menial o icers o the house !ere so embusied in !aiting each on his proper ser"ice at the east, that nobody took care o poor Pantagruel, !ho !as le t a reculorum, behindhand, all alone, and as orsaken. ;hat did heK (ark !hat he did, good people. (e stro"e and essayed to break the chains o the cradle !ith his arms, but could not, or they !ere too strong or him. Then did he keep !ith his eet such a stamping stir, and so long, that at last he beat out the lo!er end o his cradle, !hich not!ithstanding !as made o a great post i"e oot in s>uareE and as soon as he had gotten out his eet, he slid do!n as !ell as he could till he had got his soles to the ground, and then !ith a mighty orce he rose up, carrying his cradle upon his back, bound to him like a tortoise that cra!ls up against a !allE and to ha"e seen him, you !ould ha"e thought it had been a great carrick o i"e hundred tons upon one end. 5n this manner he entered into the great hall !here they !ere ban>ueting, and that "ery boldly, !hich did much a right the companyE yet, because his arms !ere tied in, he could not reach anything to eat, but !ith great pain stooped no! and then a little to take !ith the !hole lat o his tongue some lick, good bit, or morsel. ;hich !hen his ather sa!, he kne! !ell enough that they had le t him !ithout gi"ing him anything to eat, and there ore commanded that he should be loosed rom the said chains, by the counsel o the princes and lords there present. Besides that also the physicians o Gargantua said that, i they did thus keep him in the cradle, he !ould be all his li etime subject to the stone. ;hen he !as unchained, they made him to sit do!n, !here, a ter he had ed "ery !ell, he took his cradle and broke it into more than i"e hundred thousand pieces !ith one blo! o his ist that he struck in the midst o it, s!earing that he !ould ne"er come into it again.

Chapter -.=. ' the acts o the noble Pantagruel in his youth ul age. Thus gre! Pantagruel rom day to day, and to e"eryone's eye !a?ed more and more in all his dimensions, !hich made his ather to rejoice by a natural a ection. There ore caused he to be made or him, !hilst he !as yet little, a pretty crossbo! !here!ith to shoot at small birds, !hich no! they call the great crossbo! at Chantelle. Then he sent him to the school to learn, and to spend his youth in "irtue. 5n the prosecution o !hich design he came irst to Poictiers, !here, as he studied and pro ited "ery much, he sa! that the scholars !ere o tentimes at leisure and kne! not ho! to besto! their time, !hich mo"ed him to take such compassion on them, that one day he took rom a long ledge o rocks, called there Passelourdin, a huge great stone, o about t!el"e athom s>uare and ourteen hand uls thick, and !ith great ease set it upon our pillars in the midst o a ield, to no other end but that the said scholars, !hen they had nothing

else to do, might pass their time in getting up on that stone, and east it !ith store o gammons, pasties, and lagons, and car"e their names upon it !ith a kni e, in token o !hich deed till this hour the stone is called the li ted stone. *nd in remembrance hereo there is none entered into the register and matricular book o the said uni"ersity, or accounted capable o taking any degree therein, till he ha"e irst drunk in the caballine ountain o Croustelles, passed at Passelourdin, and got up upon the li ted stone. * ter!ards, reading the delectable chronicles o his ancestors, he ound that Geo rey o %usignan, called Geo rey !ith the great tooth, grand ather to the cousin$in$la! o the eldest sister o the aunt o the son$in$la! o the uncle o the good daughter o his stepmother, !as interred at <ailleHaisE there ore one day he took campos @!hich is a little "acation rom study to play a !hileD, that he might gi"e him a "isit as unto an honest man. *nd going rom Poictiers !ith some o his companions, they passed by the Guge @%egugeD, "isiting the noble *bbot *rdillonE then by %usignan, by +ansay, by Celles, by Coolonges, by Fontenay$le$Comte, saluting the learned Tira>ueau, and rom thence arri"ed at <ailleHais, !here he !ent to see the sepulchre o the said Geo rey !ith the great toothE !hich made him some!hat a raid, looking upon the picture, !hose li"ely draughts did set him orth in the representation o a man in an e?treme ury, dra!ing his great <alchus alchion hal !ay out o his scabbard. ;hen the reason hereo !as demanded, the canons o the said place told him that there !as no other cause o it but that Pictoribus at>ue Poetis, Nc., that is to say, that painters and poets ha"e liberty to paint and de"ise !hat they list a ter their o!n ancy. But he !as not satis ied !ith their ans!er, and said, (e is not thus painted !ithout a cause, and 5 suspect that at his death there !as some !rong done him, !hereo he re>uireth his kindred to take re"enge. 5 !ill in>uire urther into it, and then do !hat shall be reasonable. Then he returned not to Poictiers, but !ould take a "ie! o the other uni"ersities o France. There ore, going to Rochelle, he took shipping and arri"ed at Bordeau?, !here he ound no great e?ercise, only no! and then he !ould see some mariners and lightermen a$!restling on the >uay or strand by the ri"er$side. From thence he came to Toulouse, !here he learned to dance "ery !ell, and to play !ith the t!o$handed s!ord, as the ashion o the scholars o the said uni"ersity is to bestir themsel"es in games !hereo they may ha"e their hands ullE but he stayed not long there !hen he sa! that they did cause burn their regents ali"e like red herring, saying, 9o! God orbid that 5 should die this deathL or 5 am by nature su iciently dry already, !ithout heating mysel any urther. (e !ent then to <ontpellier, !here he met !ith the good !i"es o <ire"au?, and good jo"ial company !ithal, and thought to ha"e set himsel to the study o physicE but he considered that that calling !as too troublesome and melancholic, and that physicians did smell o glisters like old de"ils. There ore he resol"ed he !ould study the la!sE but seeing that there !ere but three scald$ and one bald$pated legist in that place, he departed rom thence, and in his !ay made the bridge o Guard and the amphitheatre o 9imes in less than three hours, !hich, ne"ertheless, seems to be a more di"ine than human !ork. * ter that he came to *"ignon, !here he !as not abo"e three days be ore he ell in lo"eE or the !omen there take great delight in playing at the close$buttock game, because it is papal ground. ;hich his tutor and pedagogue 1pistemon percei"ing, he dre! him out o that place, and brought him to =alence in the )auphiny, !here he sa! no great matter o recreation, only that the lubbers o the to!n did beat the

scholars, !hich so incensed him !ith anger, that !hen, upon a certain "ery air +unday, the people being at their public dancing in the streets, and one o the scholars o ering to put himsel into the ring to partake o that sport, the oresaid lubberly ello!s !ould not permit him the admittance into their society, he, taking the scholar's part, so belaboured them !ith blo!s, and laid such load upon them, that he dro"e them all be ore him, e"en to the brink o the ri"er Rhone, and !ould ha"e there dro!ned them, but that they did s>uat to the ground, and there lay close a ull hal $league under the ri"er. The hole is to be seen there yet. * ter that he departed rom thence, and in three strides and one leap came to *ngiers, !here he ound himsel "ery !ell, and !ould ha"e continued there some space, but that the plague dro"e them a!ay. +o rom thence he came to Bourges, !here he studied a good long time, and pro ited "ery much in the aculty o the la!s, and !ould sometimes say that the books o the ci"il la! !ere like unto a !onder ully precious, royal, and triumphant robe o cloth o gold edged !ith dirtE or in the !orld are no goodlier books to be seen, more ornate, nor more elo>uent than the te?ts o the Pandects, but the bordering o them, that is to say, the gloss o *ccursius, is so scur"y, "ile, base, and unsa"oury, that it is nothing but ilthiness and "illainy. Going rom Bourges, he came to 'rleans, !here he ound store o s!aggering scholars that made him great entertainment at his coming, and !ith !hom he learned to play at tennis so !ell that he !as a master at that game. For the students o the said place make a prime e?ercise o itE and sometimes they carried him unto Cupid's houses o commerce @in that city termed islands, because o their being most ordinarily en"ironed !ith other houses, and not contiguous to anyD, there to recreate his person at the sport o poussa"ant, !hich the !enches o %ondon call the erkers in and in. *s or breaking his head !ith o"er$much study, he had an especial care not to do it in any case, or ear o spoiling his eyes. ;hich he the rather obser"ed, or that it !as told him by one o his teachers, there called regents, that the pain o the eyes !as the most hurt ul thing o any to the sight. For this cause, !hen he one day !as made a licentiate, or graduate in la!, one o the scholars o his ac>uaintance, !ho o learning had not much more than his burden, though instead o that he could dance "ery !ell and play at tennis, made the blaHon and de"ice o the licentiates in the said uni"ersity, saying, +o you ha"e in your hand a racket, * tennis$ball in your cod$placket, * Pandect la! in your cap's tippet, *nd that you ha"e the skill to trip it 5n a lo! dance, you !ill b' allo!ed The grant o the licentiate's hood.

Chapter -.=5. (o! Pantagruel met !ith a %imousin, !ho too a ectedly did counter eit the French language. 8pon a certain day, 5 kno! not !hen, Pantagruel !alking a ter supper !ith some o his ello!$students !ithout that gate o the city through !hich !e enter on the road to Paris, encountered !ith a young spruce$like scholar

that !as coming upon the same "ery !ay, and, a ter they had saluted one another, asked him thus, <y riend, rom !hence comest thou no!K The scholar ans!ered him, From the alme, inclyte, and celebrate academy, !hich is "ocitated %utetia. ;hat is the meaning o thisK said Pantagruel to one o his men. 5t is, ans!ered he, rom Paris. Thou comest rom Paris then, said PantagruelE and ho! do you spend your time there, you my masters the students o ParisK The scholar ans!ered, ;e trans retate the +e>uan at the dilucul and crepusculE !e deambulate by the compites and >uadri"es o the urbE !e despumate the %atial "erbocinationE and, like "erisimilary amorabons, !e captat the bene"olence o the omnijugal, omni orm and omnigenal eminine se?. 8pon certain diecules !e in"isat the lupanares, and in a "enerian ecstasy inculcate our "eretres into the penitissime recesses o the pudends o these amicabilissim meretricules. Then do !e cauponisate in the meritory taberns o the Pineapple, the Castle, the <agdalene, and the <ule, goodly "er"ecine spatules per oraminated !ith petrocile. *nd i by ortune there be rarity or penury o pecune in our marsupies, and that they be e?hausted o erruginean metal, or the shot !e dimit our codices and oppignerat our "estments, !hilst !e prestolate the coming o the tabellaries rom the Penates and patriotic %ares. To !hich Pantagruel ans!ered, ;hat de"ilish language is thisK By the %ord, 5 think thou art some kind o heretick. <y lord, no, said the scholarE or libentissimally, as soon as it illucesceth any minutule slice o the day, 5 demigrate into one o these so !ell architected minsters, and there, irrorating mysel !ith air lustral !ater, 5 mumble o little parcels o some missic precation o our sacri iculs, and, submurmurating my horary precules, 5 ele"ate and absterge my anime rom its nocturnal in>uinations. 5 re"ere the 'lympicols. 5 latrially "enere the supernal *stripotent. 5 dilige and redame my pro?ims. 5 obser"e the decalogical precepts, and, according to the acultatule o my "ires, 5 do not discede rom them one late unguicule. 9e"ertheless, it is "eri orm, that because <ammona doth not supergurgitate anything in my loculs, that 5 am some!hat rare and lent to supererogate the elemosynes to those egents that hostially >ueritate their stipe. Prut, tut, said Pantagruel, !hat doth this ool mean to sayK 5 think he is upon the orging o some diabolical tongue, and that enchanter$like he !ould charm us. To !hom one o his men said, ;ithout doubt, sir, this ello! !ould counter eit the language o the Parisians, but he doth only lay the %atin, imagining by so doing that he doth highly PindariHe it in most elo>uent terms, and strongly conceiteth himsel to be there ore a great orator in the French, because he disdaineth the common manner o speaking. To !hich Pantagruel said, 5s it trueK The scholar ans!ered, <y !orship ul lord, my genie is not apt nate to that !hich this lagitious nebulon saith, to e?coriate the cut@icDule o our "ernacular Gallic, but "ice$"ersally 5 gna"e opere, and by "eles and rames enite to locupletate it !ith the %atinicome redundance. By G$$, said Pantagruel, 5 !ill teach you to speak. But irst come hither, and tell me !hence thou art. To this the scholar ans!ered, The prime"al origin o my a"es and ata"es !as indigenary o the %emo"ic regions, !here re>uiesceth the corpor o the hagiotat +t. <artial. 5 understand thee "ery !ell, said Pantagruel. ;hen all comes to all, thou art a %imousin, and thou !ilt here by thy a ected speech counter eit the Parisians. ;ell no!, come hither, 5 must sho! thee a ne! trick, and handsomely gi"e thee the comb eat. ;ith this he took him by the throat, saying to him, Thou layest the %atinE by +t. 7ohn, 5 !ill make thee lay the o?, or 5 !ill no! lay thee ali"e. Then began the poor %imousin to cry, (a!, g!id maasterL ha!, %aord, my halp, and +t. <arsha!L ha!, 5'm !orried. (a!, my thropple, the bean o my cragg is bruckL (a!,

or gauad's seck la!t my lean, ma!sterE !a!, !a!, !a!. 9o!, said Pantagruel, thou speakest naturally, and so let him go, or the poor %imousin had totally be!rayed and thoroughly conshit his breeches, !hich !ere not deep and large enough, but round straight cannioned gregs, ha"ing in the seat a piece like a keeling's tail, and there ore in French called, de chausses a >ueue de merlus. Then, said Pantagruel, +t. *lipantin, !hat ci"etK FieL to the de"il !ith this turnip$eater, as he stinksL and so let him go. But this hug o Pantagruel's !as such a terror to him all the days o his li e, and took such deep impression in his ancy, that "ery o ten, distracted !ith sudden a rightments, he !ould startle and say that Pantagruel held him by the neck. Besides that, it procured him a continual drought and desire to drink, so that a ter some e! years he died o the death Roland, in plain 1nglish called thirst, a !ork o di"ine "engeance, sho!ing us that !hich saith the philosopher and *ulus Gellius, that it becometh us to speak according to the common languageE and that !e should, as said 'cta"ian *ugustus, stri"e to shun all strange and unkno!n terms !ith as much heed ulness and circumspection as pilots o ships use to a"oid the rocks and banks in the sea.

Chapter -.=55. (o! Pantagruel came to Paris, and o the choice books o the %ibrary o +t. =ictor. * ter that Pantagruel had studied "ery !ell at 'rleans, he resol"ed to see the great 8ni"ersity at ParisE but, be ore his departure, he !as in ormed that there !as a huge big bell at +t. *nian in the said to!n o 'rleans, under the ground, !hich had been there abo"e t!o hundred and ourteen years, or it !as so great that they could not by any de"ice get it so much as abo"e the ground, although they used all the means that are ound in =itru"ius de *rchitectura, *lbertus de Re *edi icatoria, 1uclid, Theon, *rchimedes, and (ero de 5ngeniisE or all that !as to no purpose. ;here ore, condescending heartily to the humble re>uest o the citiHens and inhabitants o the said to!n, he determined to remo"e it to the to!er that !as erected or it. ;ith that he came to the place !here it !as, and li ted it out o the ground !ith his little inger as easily as you !ould ha"e done a ha!k's bell or bell!ether's tingle$tangleE but, be ore he !ould carry it to the oresaid to!er or steeple appointed or it, he !ould needs make some music !ith it about the to!n, and ring it alongst all the streets as he carried it in his hand, !here!ith all the people !ere "ery glad. But there happened one great incon"eniency, or !ith carrying it so, and ringing it about the streets, all the good 'rleans !ine turned instantly, !a?ed lat and !as spoiled, !hich nobody there did percei"e till the night ollo!ingE or e"ery man ound himsel so altered and a$dry !ith drinking these lat !ines, that they did nothing but spit, and that as !hite as <alta cotton, saying, ;e ha"e o the Pantagruel, and our "ery throats are salted. This done, he came to Paris !ith his retinue. *nd at his entry e"eryone came out to see him$$as you kno! !ell enough that the people o Paris is sottish by nature, by B lat and B sharp$$and beheld him !ith great astonishment, mi?ed !ith no less ear that he !ould carry a!ay the palace into some other country, a remotis, and ar rom them, as his ather ormerly had done the great peal o bells at 'ur %ady's Church to tie about his mare's neck. 9o! a ter he had stayed there a pretty space, and studied "ery !ell in all the se"en liberal arts, he said it !as a good to!n to li"e in, but not to dieE or that the gra"e$digging rogues o +t. 5nnocent used

in rosty nights to !arm their bums !ith dead men's bones. 5n his abode there he ound the library o +t. =ictor a "ery stately and magni ic one, especially in some books !hich !ere there, o !hich ollo!eth the Repertory and Catalogue, 1t primo, The or Godsake o +al"ation. The Codpiece o the %a!. The +lipshoe o the )ecretals. The Pomegranate o =ice. The Cle!$bottom o Theology. The )uster or Fo?tail$ lap o Preachers, composed by Turlupin. The Churning Ballock o the =aliant. The (enbane o the Bishops. <armotretus de baboonis et apis, cum Commento )orbellis. )ecretum 8ni"ersitatis Parisiensis super gorgiasitate muliercularum ad placitum. The *pparition o +ancte Geltrude to a 9un o Poissy, being in tra"ail at the bringing orth o a child. *rs honeste artandi in societate, per <arcum Cor"inum @'rtuinumD. The <ustard$pot o Penance. The Gamashes, alias the Boots o Patience. Formicarium artium. )e brodiorum usu, et honestate >uartandi, per +yl"estrem Prioratem 7acobinum. The Cosened or Gulled in Court. The Frail o the +cri"eners. The <arriage$packet. The CruiHy or Crucible o Contemplation. The Flim lams o the %a!. The Prickle o ;ine. The +pur o Cheese. Rubo atorium @)ecrotatoriumD scholarium. Tartaretus de modo cacandi. The Bra"ades o Rome. Bricot de )i erentiis Bro!sarum. The Tailpiece$Cushion, or Close$breech o )iscipline. The Cobbled +hoe o (umility. The Tri"et o good Thoughts. The :ettle o <agnanimity. The Ca"illing 1ntanglements o Con essors. The +natch are o the Curates. Re"erendi patris ratris %ubini, pro"incialis Ba"ardiae, de gulpendis lardslicionibus libri tres. Pas>uilli )octoris <armorei, de capreolis cum artichoketa comedendis, tempore Papali ab 1cclesia interdicto. The 5n"ention o the (oly Cross, personated by si? !ily Priests. The +pectacles o Pilgrims bound or Rome. <ajoris de modo aciendi puddinos. The Bagpipe o the Prelates. Beda de optimitate triparum. The Complaint o the Barristers upon the Re ormation o Com its. The Furred Cat o the +olicitors and *ttorneys. ' Peas and Bacon, cum Commento. The +mall =ales or )rinking <oney o the 5ndulgences. Praeclarissimi juris utrius>ue )octoris <aistre Pilloti, Nc., +crap$ arthingi de botchandis glossae *ccursianae Tri lis repetitio enucidi$luculidissima.

+tratagemata Francharchiaeri de Baniolet. Carlbumpkinus de Re <ilitari cum Figuris Te"oti. )e usu et utilitate layandi e>uos et e>uas, authore <agistro nostro de Juebecu. The +auciness o Country$+te!ards. <.9. Rostocostojambedanesse de mustarda post prandium ser"ienda, libri >uatuordecim, apostillati per <. =aurillonis. The Co"illage or ;ench$tribute o Promoters. @7abolenus de Cosmographia Purgatorii.D Juaestio subtilissima, utrum Chimaera in "acuo bonbinans possit comedere secundas intentionesE et uit debatuta per decem hebdomadas in Consilio Constantiensi. The Bridle$champer o the *d"ocates. +mutchudlamenta +coti. The Rasping and (ard$scraping o the Cardinals. )e calcaribus remo"endis, )ecades undecim, per <. *lbericum de Rosata. 1jusdem de castramentandis criminibus libri tres. The 1ntrance o *nthony de %e"e into the Territories o BraHil. @<ar orii, bacalarii cubantis RomaeD de peelandis aut unskinnandis blurrandis>ue Cardinalium mulis. The said *uthor's *pology against those !ho allege that the Pope's mule doth eat but at set times. Prognosticatio >uae incipit, +il"ii Tri>uebille, balata per <.9., the deep$dreaming gull +ion. Boudarini 1piscopi de emulgentiarum pro ectibus *eneades no"em, cum pri"ilegio Papali ad triennium et postea non. The +hitabranna o the <aids. The Bald *rse or Peeled Breech o the ;ido!s. The Co!l or Capouch o the <onks. The <umbling )e"otion o the Celestine Friars. The Passage$toll o Beggarliness. The Teeth$chatter or Gum$didder o %ubberly %usks. The Paring$sho"el o the Theologues. The )rench$horn o the <asters o *rts. The +cullions o 'lcam, the uninitiated Clerk. <agistri 9. %ickdishetis, de garbellisi tationibus horarum canonicarum, libri >uadriginta. *rsi"ersitatorium con ratriarum, incerto authore. The Gulsgoatony or Rasher o Cormorants and Ra"enous Feeders. The Rammishness o the +paniards supergi"uregondigaded by Friar 5nigo. The <uttering o Piti ul ;retches. )astardismus rerum 5talicarum, authore <agistro Burnegad. R. %ullius de Batis olagiis Principum. Calibistratorium ca ardiae, authore <. 7acobo (ocstraten hereticometra. Codtickler de <agistro nostrandorum <agistro nostratorum>ue beu"etis, libri octo galantissimi. The Crackarades o Balists or stone$thro!ing 1ngines, Contrepate Clerks, +cri"eners, Brie $!riters, Rapporters, and Papal Bull$despatchers lately compiled by Regis. * perpetual *lmanack or those that ha"e the gout and the po?. <anera s!eepandi ornacellos per <ag. 1ccium. The +hable or +cimetar o <erchants. The Pleasures o the <onachal %i e. The (otchpot o (ypocrites. The (istory o the (obgoblins. The Ragamu inism o the pensionary maimed +oldiers. The Gulling Fibs and Counter eit sho!s o Commissaries.

The %itter o Treasurers. The 7uglingatorium o +ophisters. *ntipericatametanaparbeugedamphicribrationes Toordicantium. The Peri!inkle o Ballad$makers. The Push$ or!ard o the *lchemists. The 9iddy$noddy o the +atchel$loaded +eekers, by Friar Bind astatis. The +hackles o Religion. The Racket o +!ag$!aggers. The %eaning$stock o old *ge. The <uHHle o 9obility. The *pe's Paternoster. The Crickets and (a!k's$bells o )e"otion. The Pot o the 1mber$!eeks. The <ortar o the Politic %i e. The Flap o the (ermits. The Riding$hood or <onterg o the Penitentiaries. The Trictrac o the :nocking Friars. Blockheadodus, de "ita et honestate bragadochiorum. %yrippii +orbonici <oralisationes, per <. %upoldum. The Carrier$horse$bells o Tra"ellers. The Bibbings o the tippling Bishops. )olloporediones )octorum Coloniensium ad"ersus Reuclin. The Cymbals o %adies. The )unger's <artingale. ;hirling riskorum Chasemarkerorum per Fratrem Crack!oodloguetis. The Clouted Patches o a +tout (eart. The <ummery o the Racket$keeping Robin$good ello!s. Gerson, de au eribilitate Papae ab 1cclesia. The Catalogue o the 9ominated and Graduated Persons. 7o. )ytebrodii, terribilitate e?communicationis libellus acephalos. 5ngeniositas in"ocandi diabolos et diabolas, per <. Guingolphum. The (otchpotch or Gallimau ry o the perpetually begging Friars. The <orris$dance o the (eretics. The ;hinings o Cajetan. <uddisnout )octoris Cherubici, de origine Rough ootedarum, et ;ryneckedorum ritibus, libri septem. +i?ty$nine at Bre"iaries. The 9ightmare o the i"e 'rders o Beggars. The +kinnery o the ne! +tart$ups e?tracted out o the allo!$butt, incorni istibulated and plodded upon in the angelic sum. The Ra"er and idle Talker in cases o Conscience. The Fat Belly o the Presidents. The Ba ling Flouter o the *bbots. +utoris ad"ersus eum >ui "oca"erat eum +labsauceatorem, et >uod +labsauceatores non sunt damnati ab 1cclesia. Cacatorium medicorum. The Chimney$s!eeper o *strology. Campi clysteriorum per paragraph C. The Bums>uibcracker o *pothecaries. The :issbreech o Chirurgery. 7ustinianus de ;hiteleperotis tollendis. *ntidotarium animae. <erlinus Coccaius, de patria diabolorum. The Practice o 5ni>uity, by Cleuraunes +adden. The <irror o Baseness, by Radnecu ;aldenses. The 1ngrained Rogue, by )!arsencas 1ldenu. The <erciless Cormorant, by (o?inidno the 7e!.

' !hich library some books are already printed, and the rest are no! at the press in this noble city o Tubingen.

Chapter -.=555. (o! Pantagruel, being at Paris, recei"ed letters rom his ather Gargantua, and the copy o them. Pantagruel studied "ery hard, as you may !ell concei"e, and pro ited accordinglyE or he had an e?cellent understanding and notable !it, together !ith a capacity in memory e>ual to the measure o t!el"e oil budgets or butts o oli"es. *nd, as he !as there abiding one day, he recei"ed a letter rom his ather in manner as ollo!eth. <ost dear +on,$$*mongst the gi ts, graces, and prerogati"es, !ith !hich the so"ereign plasmator God *lmighty hath endo!ed and adorned human nature at the beginning, that seems to me most singular and e?cellent by !hich !e may in a mortal state attain to a kind o immortality, and in the course o this transitory li e perpetuate our name and seed, !hich is done by a progeny issued rom us in the la! ul bonds o matrimony. ;hereby that in some measure is restored unto us !hich !as taken rom us by the sin o our irst parents, to !hom it !as said that, because they had not obeyed the commandment o God their Creator, they should die, and by death should be brought to nought that so stately rame and plasmature !herein the man at irst had been created. But by this means o seminal propagation there @M;hich continuethM in the old copy.D continueth in the children !hat !as lost in the parents, and in the grandchildren that !hich perished in their athers, and so successi"ely until the day o the last judgment, !hen 7esus Christ shall ha"e rendered up to God the Father his kingdom in a peaceable condition, out o all danger and contamination o sinE or then shall cease all generations and corruptions, and the elements lea"e o their continual transmutations, seeing the so much desired peace shall be attained unto and enjoyed, and that all things shall be brought to their end and period. *nd, there ore, not !ithout just and reasonable cause do 5 gi"e thanks to God my +a"iour and Preser"er, or that he hath enabled me to see my bald old age re lourish in thy youthE or !hen, at his good pleasure, !ho rules and go"erns all things, my soul shall lea"e this mortal habitation, 5 shall not account mysel !holly to die, but to pass rom one place unto another, considering that, in and by that, 5 continue in my "isible image li"ing in the !orld, "isiting and con"ersing !ith people o honour, and other my good riends, as 5 !as !ont to do. ;hich con"ersation o mine, although it !as not !ithout sin, because !e are all o us trespassers, and there ore ought continually to beseech his di"ine majesty to blot our transgressions out o his memory, yet !as it, by the help and grace o God, !ithout all manner o reproach be ore men. ;here ore, i those >ualities o the mind but shine in thee !here!ith 5 am endo!ed, as in thee remaineth the per ect image o my body, thou !ilt be esteemed by all men to be the per ect guardian and treasure o the immortality o our name. But, i other!ise, 5 shall truly take but small pleasure to see it, considering that the lesser part o me, !hich is the body, !ould abide in thee, and the best, to !it, that !hich is the soul,

and by !hich our name continues blessed amongst men, !ould be degenerate and abastardiHed. This 5 do not speak out o any distrust that 5 ha"e o thy "irtue, !hich 5 ha"e hereto ore already tried, but to encourage thee yet more earnestly to proceed rom good to better. *nd that !hich 5 no! !rite unto thee is not so much that thou shouldst li"e in this "irtuous course, as that thou shouldst rejoice in so li"ing and ha"ing li"ed, and cheer up thysel !ith the like resolution in time to comeE to the prosecution and accomplishment o !hich enterprise and generous undertaking thou mayst easily remember ho! that 5 ha"e spared nothing, but ha"e so helped thee, as i 5 had had no other treasure in this !orld but to see thee once in my li e completely !ell$bred and accomplished, as !ell in "irtue, honesty, and "alour, as in all liberal kno!ledge and ci"ility, and so to lea"e thee a ter my death as a mirror representing the person o me thy ather, and i not so e?cellent, and such in deed as 5 do !ish thee, yet such in my desire. But although my deceased ather o happy memory, Grangousier, had bent his best endea"ours to make me pro it in all per ection and political kno!ledge, and that my labour and study !as ully correspondent to, yea, !ent beyond his desire, ne"ertheless, as thou mayest !ell understand, the time then !as not so proper and it or learning as it is at present, neither had 5 plenty o such good masters as thou hast had. For that time !as darksome, obscured !ith clouds o ignorance, and sa"ouring a little o the in elicity and calamity o the Goths, !ho had, !here"er they set ooting, destroyed all good literature, !hich in my age hath by the di"ine goodness been restored unto its ormer light and dignity, and that !ith such amendment and increase o the kno!ledge, that no! hardly should 5 be admitted unto the irst orm o the little grammar$schoolboys$$5 say, 5, !ho in my youth ul days !as, and that justly, reputed the most learned o that age. ;hich 5 do not speak in "ain boasting, although 5 might la! ully do it in !riting unto thee$$in "eri ication !hereo thou hast the authority o <arcus Tullius in his book o old age, and the sentence o Plutarch in the book entitled (o! a man may praise himsel !ithout en"y$$but to gi"e thee an emulous encouragement to stri"e yet urther. 9o! is it that the minds o men are >uali ied !ith all manner o discipline, and the old sciences re"i"ed !hich or many ages !ere e?tinct. 9o! it is that the learned languages are to their pristine purity restored, "iH., Greek, !ithout !hich a man may be ashamed to account himsel a scholar, (ebre!, *rabic, Chaldaean, and %atin. Printing like!ise is no! in use, so elegant and so correct that better cannot be imagined, although it !as ound out but in my time by di"ine inspiration, as by a diabolical suggestion on the other side !as the in"ention o ordnance. *ll the !orld is ull o kno!ing men, o most learned schoolmasters, and "ast librariesE and it appears to me as a truth, that neither in Plato's time, nor Cicero's, nor Papinian's, there !as e"er such con"eniency or studying as !e see at this day there is. 9or must any ad"enture hence or!ard to come in public, or present himsel in company, that hath not been pretty !ell polished in the shop o <iner"a. 5 see robbers, hangmen, reebooters, tapsters, ostlers, and such like, o the "ery rubbish o the people, more learned no! than the doctors and preachers !ere in my time. ;hat shall 5 sayK The "ery !omen and children ha"e aspired to this praise and celestial manner o good learning. #et so it is that, in the age 5 am no! o , 5 ha"e been constrained to learn the Greek tongue$$!hich 5 contemned not like Cato, but had not the leisure in my younger years to attend the study o it$$and take much delight in the reading o Plutarch's

<orals, the pleasant )ialogues o Plato, the <onuments o Pausanias, and the *nti>uities o *thenaeus, in !aiting on the hour !herein God my Creator shall call me and command me to depart rom this earth and transitory pilgrimage. ;here ore, my son, 5 admonish thee to employ thy youth to pro it as !ell as thou canst, both in thy studies and in "irtue. Thou art at Paris, !here the laudable e?amples o many bra"e men may stir up thy mind to gallant actions, and hast like!ise or thy tutor and pedagogue the learned 1pistemon, !ho by his li"ely and "ocal documents may instruct thee in the arts and sciences. 5 intend, and !ill ha"e it so, that thou learn the languages per ectlyE irst o all the Greek, as Juintilian !ill ha"e itE secondly, the %atinE and then the (ebre!, or the (oly +cripture sakeE and then the Chaldee and *rabic like!ise, and that thou rame thy style in Greek in imitation o Plato, and or the %atin a ter Cicero. %et there be no history !hich thou shalt not ha"e ready in thy memoryE unto the prosecuting o !hich design, books o cosmography !ill be "ery conducible and help thee much. ' the liberal arts o geometry, arithmetic, and music, 5 ga"e thee some taste !hen thou !ert yet little, and not abo"e i"e or si? years old. Proceed urther in them, and learn the remainder i thou canst. *s or astronomy, study all the rules thereo . %et pass, ne"ertheless, the di"ining and judicial astrology, and the art o %ullius, as being nothing else but plain abuses and "anities. *s or the ci"il la!, o that 5 !ould ha"e thee to kno! the te?ts by heart, and then to con er them !ith philosophy. 9o!, in matter o the kno!ledge o the !orks o nature, 5 !ould ha"e thee to study that e?actly, and that so there be no sea, ri"er, nor ountain, o !hich thou dost not kno! the ishesE all the o!ls o the airE all the se"eral kinds o shrubs and trees, !hether in orests or orchardsE all the sorts o herbs and lo!ers that gro! upon the groundE all the "arious metals that are hid !ithin the bo!els o the earthE together !ith all the di"ersity o precious stones that are to be seen in the orient and south parts o the !orld. %et nothing o all these be hidden rom thee. Then ail not most care ully to peruse the books o the Greek, *rabian, and %atin physicians, not despising the Talmudists and CabalistsE and by re>uent anatomies get thee the per ect kno!ledge o the other !orld, called the microcosm, !hich is man. *nd at some hours o the day apply thy mind to the study o the (oly +cripturesE irst in Greek, the 9e! Testament, !ith the 1pistles o the *postlesE and then the 'ld Testament in (ebre!. 5n brie , let me see thee an abyss and bottomless pit o kno!ledgeE or rom hence or!ard, as thou gro!est great and becomest a man, thou must part rom this tran>uillity and rest o study, thou must learn chi"alry, !ar are, and the e?ercises o the ield, the better thereby to de end my house and our riends, and to succour and protect them at all their needs against the in"asion and assaults o e"ildoers. Furthermore, 5 !ill that "ery shortly thou try ho! much thou hast pro ited, !hich thou canst not better do than by maintaining publicly theses and conclusions in all arts against all persons !hatsoe"er, and by haunting the company o learned men, both at Paris and other!here. But because, as the !ise man +olomon saith, ;isdom entereth not into a malicious mind, and that kno!ledge !ithout conscience is but the ruin o the soul, it beho"eth thee to ser"e, to lo"e, to ear God, and on him to cast all thy thoughts and all thy hope, and by aith ormed in charity to clea"e unto him, so that thou mayst ne"er be separated rom him by thy sins. +uspect the abuses o the !orld. +et not thy heart upon "anity, or this li e is transitory, but the ;ord o the %ord endureth or e"er. Be ser"iceable to all thy neighbours,

and lo"e them as thysel . Re"erence thy preceptors& shun the con"ersation o those !hom thou desirest not to resemble, and recei"e not in "ain the graces !hich God hath besto!ed upon thee. *nd, !hen thou shalt see that thou hast attained to all the kno!ledge that is to be ac>uired in that part, return unto me, that 5 may see thee and gi"e thee my blessing be ore 5 die. <y son, the peace and grace o our %ord be !ith thee. *men. Thy ather Gargantua. From 8topia the 3Gth day o the month o <arch. These letters being recei"ed and read, Pantagruel plucked up his heart, took a resh courage to him, and !as in lamed !ith a desire to pro it in his studies more than e"er, so that i you had seen him, ho! he took pains, and ho! he ad"anced in learning, you !ould ha"e said that the "i"acity o his spirit amidst the books !as like a great ire amongst dry !ood, so acti"e it !as, "igorous and inde atigable.

Chapter -.5I. (o! Pantagruel ound Panurge, !hom he lo"ed all his li etime. 'ne day, as Pantagruel !as taking a !alk !ithout the city, to!ards +t. *nthony's abbey, discoursing and philosophating !ith his o!n ser"ants and some other scholars, @heD met !ith a young man o "ery comely stature and surpassing handsome in all the lineaments o his body, but in se"eral parts thereo most piti ully !oundedE in such bad e>uipage in matter o his apparel, !hich !as but tatters and rags, and e"ery !ay so ar out o order that he seemed to ha"e been a$ ighting !ith masti $dogs, rom !hose ury he had made an escapeE or to say better, he looked, in the condition !herein he then !as, like an apple$gatherer o the country o Perche. *s ar o as Pantagruel sa! him, he said to those that stood by, )o you see that man there, !ho is a$coming hither upon the road rom Charenton bridgeK By my aith, he is only poor in ortuneE or 5 may assure you that by his physiognomy it appeareth that nature hath e?tracted him rom some rich and noble race, and that too much curiosity hath thro!n him upon ad"entures !hich possibly ha"e reduced him to this indigence, !ant, and penury. 9o! as he !as just amongst them, Pantagruel said unto him, %et me entreat you, riend, that you may be pleased to stop here a little and ans!er me to that !hich 5 shall ask you, and 5 am con ident you !ill not think your time ill besto!edE or 5 ha"e an e?treme desire, according to my ability, to gi"e you some supply in this distress !herein 5 see you areE because 5 do "ery much commiserate your case, !hich truly mo"es me to great pity. There ore, my riend, tell me !ho you areE !hence you comeE !hither you goE !hat you desireE and !hat your name is. The companion ans!ered him in the German @The irst edition reads M)utch.MD tongue, thus& '7unker, Gott geb euch gluck und heil. Fur!ahr, lieber 7unker, ich lasH euch !issen, das da ihr mich "on ragt, ist ein arm und erbarmlich )ing, und !er "iel dar"on Hu sagen, !elches euch "erdrussig Hu horen, und mir Hu erHelen !er, !ie!ol die Poeten und 'ratorn "orHeiten haben gesagt in ihren +pruchen und +entenHen, dasH die gedechtniss des 1lends und *rmuth "orlangst erlitten ist eine grosse %ust.' <y riend, said Pantagruel, 5 ha"e no skill in that gibberish o yoursE there ore, i you !ould ha"e us

to understand you, speak to us in some other language. Then did the droll ans!er him thus& '*lbarildim got ano dechmin brin alabo dordio albroth ringuam albaras. 9in portHadikin almucatin milko prin alelmin en thoth dalheben ensouimE kuthim al dum alkatim nim broth dechoth porth min michais im endoth, pruch dalmaisoulum hol moth dan rihim lupaldas in "oldemoth. 9in hur dia"osth mnarbotim dalgousch pal rapin duch im scoth pruch galeth dal chinon, min oulchrich al conin brutathen doth dal prin.' )o you understand none o thisK said Pantagruel to the company. 5 belie"e, said 1pistemon, that this is the language o the *ntipodes, and such a hard one that the de"il himsel kno!s not !hat to make o it. Then said Pantagruel, Gossip, 5 kno! not i the !alls do comprehend the meaning o your !ords, but none o us here doth so much as understand one syllable o them. Then said my blade again& '+ignor mio, "oi "edete per essempio, che la cornamusa non suona mai, s'ella non ha il "entre pieno. Cosi io parimente non "i saprei contare le mie ortune, se prima il tribulato "entre non ha la solita re ettione. *l >uale e ad"iso che le mani et li denti habbiano perso il loro ordine naturale et del tutto annichilati.' To !hich 1pistemon ans!ered, *s much o the one as o the other, and nothing o either. Then said Panurge& '%ord, i you be so "irtuous o intelligence as you be naturally relie"ed to the body, you should ha"e pity o me. For nature hath made us e>ual, but ortune hath some e?alted and others depri"edE ne"ertheless is "irtue o ten depri"ed and the "irtuous men despisedE or be ore the last end none is good.' @The ollo!ing is the passage as it stands in the irst edition. 8r>uhart seems to ha"e rendered Rabelais' indi erent 1nglish into !orse +cotch, and this, !ith probably the use o contractions in his <+., or 'the oddness' o hand!riting !hich he o!ns to in his %ogopandecteision @p./3F, <ait. Club. 1dit.D, has led to a chaotic jumble, !hich it is nearly impossible to reduce to order.$$5nstead o any attempt to do so, it is here gi"en "erbatim& '%ard gestholb besua "irtuisbe intelligence& ass yi body scalbisbe natural reloth cholb suld osme pety ha"eE or natur hass "isse e>ualy maide bot ortune sum e?aiti hesse andoyis depre"it& non yeless i"iss mou "irtiuss depre"it, and "irtuiss men decre"iss or anen ye ladeniss non >uid.' (ere is a morsel or critical ingenuity to i? its teeth in.$$<.D #et less, said Pantagruel. Then said my jolly Panurge& '7ona andie guaussa goussy etan beharda er remedio beharde "ersela ysser landa. *nbat es otoy y es nausu ey nessassust gourray proposian ordine den. 9on yssena bayta acheria egabe gen herassy badia sadassu noura assia. *ran honda"an gualde cydassu naydassuna. 1stou oussyc eg "inan soury hien er darstura eguy harm. Genicoa plasar "adu.' *re you there, said 1udemon, GenicoaK To this said Carpalim, +t. Trinian's rammer unstitch your bum, or 5 had almost understood it. Then ans!ered Panurge& 'Prust rest rinst sorgdmand strochdi drhds pag brlelang Gra"ot Cha"igny Pomardiere rusth pkaldracg )e"iniere pres 9ays. Couille kalmuch monach drupp del meupplist rinc> drlnd dodelb up drent loch minc stH rin> jald de "ins ders cordelis bur jocst stHampenards.' )o you speak Christian, said 1pistemon, or the bu oon language, other!ise called PatelinoisK 9ay, it is the puHlatory tongue, said another, !hich some call %anternois. Then said Panurge& '(eere, ik en spreeke anders geen taele dan kersten taele& my dunkt

noghtans, al en seg ik u niet een !ordt, mynen noot "erklaert genoegh !at ik begeere& gee t my uyt bermhertigheit yets !aar "an ik ge"oet magh Hyn.' To !hich ans!ered Pantagruel, *s much o that. Then said Panurge& '+ennor, de tanto hablar yo soy cansado, por>ue yo suplico a "uestra re"erentia >ue mire a los preceptos e"angelicos, para >ue ellos mo"an "uestra re"erentia a lo >ue es de conscientiaE y si ellos non bastaren, para mouer "uestra re"erentia a piedad, yo suplico >ue mire a la piedad natural, la >ual yo creo >ue le mo"era como es de raHon& y con esso non digo mas.' Truly, my riend, @said Pantagruel,D 5 doubt not but you can speak di"ers languagesE but tell us that !hich you !ould ha"e us to do or you in some tongue !hich you concei"e !e may understand. Then said the companion& '<in (erre, endog ieg med ingen tunge talede, ligesom baern, oc uskellige creatuure& <ine klaedebon oc mit legoms magerhed uduiser alligeuel klarlig huad ting mig best beho gioris, som er sandelig mad oc dricke& (uor or orbarme dig o uer mig, oc be al at giue mig noguet, a huilcket ieg kand slyre min giaeendis mage, ligeruiis som mand Cerbero en suppe orsetter& +aa skalt du le ue laenge oc lycksalig.' 5 think really, said 1usthenes, that the Goths spoke thus o old, and that, i it pleased God, !e !ould all o us speak so !ith our tails. Then again said Panurge& '*don, scalom lecha& im ischar harob hal hebdeca bimeherah thithen li kikar lehem& chanchat ub laah al *donai cho nen ral.' To !hich ans!ered 1pistemon, *t this time ha"e 5 understood him "ery !ellE or it is the (ebre! tongue most rhetorically pronounced. Then again said the gallant& ')espota tinyn panagathe, diati sy mi ouk artodotisK horas gar limo analiscomenon eme athlion, ke en to meta?y me ouk eleis oudamos, Hetis de par emou ha ou chre. :e homos philologi pantes homologousi tote logous te ke remata peritta hyparchin, hopote pragma a to pasi delon esti. 1ntha gar anankei monon logi isin, hina pragmata @hon peri amphisbetoumenD, me prosphoros epiphenete.' ;hatK +aid Carpalim, Pantagruel's ootman, 5t is Greek, 5 ha"e understood him. *nd ho!K hast thou d!elt any !hile in GreeceK Then said the droll again& '*gonou dont oussys "ous desdagneH algorou& nou den arou Hamist "ous mariston ulbrou, ous>ues "oubrol tant bredagueH moupreton dengoulhoust, dagueH dagueH non cropys ost pardonno list nougrou. *gou paston tol nalprissys hourtou los echatonous, prou dhou>uys brol pany gou den bascrou noudous caguons goul ren goul oustaroppassou.' @5n this and the preceding speeches o Panurge, the Paris =ariorum 1dition o 3,-C has been ollo!ed in correcting 8r>uhart's te?t, !hich is ull o inaccuracies.$$<.D <ethinks 5 understand him, said PantagruelE or either it is the language o my country o 8topia, or sounds "ery like it. *nd, as he !as about to ha"e begun some purpose, the companion said& '7am toties "os per sacra, per>ue deos deas>ue omnes obtestatus sum, ut si >uae "os pietas permo"et, egestatem meam solaremini, nec hilum pro icio clamans et ejulans. +inite, >uaeso, sinite, "iri impii, >uo me ata "ocant abireE nec ultra "anis "estris interpellationibus obtundatis, memores "eteris illius adagii, >uo "enter amelicus auriculis carere dicitur.' ;ell, my riend, said Pantagruel, but cannot you speak FrenchK That 5 can do, sir, "ery !ell, said the companion, God be thanked. 5t is my natural language and mother tongue, or 5 !as born and bred in my younger years in the garden o France, to !it, Touraine. Then, said Pantagruel, tell us

!hat is your name, and rom !hence you are comeE or, by my aith, 5 ha"e already stamped in my mind such a deep impression o lo"e to!ards you, that, i you !ill condescend unto my !ill, you shall not depart out o my company, and you and 5 shall make up another couple o riends such as *eneas and *chates !ere. +ir, said the companion, my true and proper Christian name is Panurge, and no! 5 come out o Turkey, to !hich country 5 !as carried a!ay prisoner at that time !hen they !ent to <etelin !ith a mischie . *nd !illingly !ould 5 relate unto you my ortunes, !hich are more !onder ul than those o 8lysses !ereE but, seeing that it pleaseth you to retain me !ith you, 5 most heartily accept o the o er, protesting ne"er to lea"e you should you go to all the de"ils in hell. ;e shall ha"e there ore more leisure at another time, and a itter opportunity !herein to report themE or at this present 5 am in a "ery urgent necessity to eedE my teeth are sharp, my belly empty, my throat dry, and my stomach ierce and burning, all is ready. 5 you !ill but set me to !ork, it !ill be as good as a balsamum or sore eyes to see me gulch and ra"en it. For God's sake, gi"e order or it. Then Pantagruel commanded that they should carry him home and pro"ide him good store o "ictualsE !hich being done, he ate "ery !ell that e"ening, and, capon$like, !ent early to bedE then slept until dinner$time the ne?t day, so that he made but three steps and one leap rom the bed to the board.

Chapter -.I. (o! Pantagruel judged so e>uitably o a contro"ersy, !hich !as !onder ully obscure and di icult, that, by reason o his just decree therein, he !as reputed to ha"e a most admirable judgment. Pantagruel, "ery !ell remembering his ather's letter and admonitions, !ould one day make trial o his kno!ledge. Thereupon, in all the carre ours, that is, throughout all the our >uarters, streets, and corners o the city, he set up conclusions to the number o nine thousand se"en hundred si?ty and our, in all manner o learning, touching in them the hardest doubts that are in any science. *nd irst o all, in the Fodder +treet he held dispute against all the regents or ello!s o colleges, artists or masters o arts, and orators, and did so gallantly that he o"erthre! them and set them all upon their tails. (e !ent a ter!ards to the +orbonne, !here he maintained argument against all the theologians or di"ines, or the space o si? !eeks, rom our o'clock in the morning until si? in the e"ening, e?cept an inter"al o t!o hours to re resh themsel"es and take their repast. *nd at this !ere present the greatest part o the lords o the court, the masters o re>uests, presidents, counsellors, those o the accompts, secretaries, ad"ocates, and othersE as also the sheri s o the said to!n, !ith the physicians and pro essors o the canon la!. *mongst !hich, it is to be remarked, that the greatest part !ere stubborn jades, and in their opinions obstinateE but he took such course !ith them that, or all their ergoes and allacies, he put their backs to the !all, gra"elled them in the deepest >uestions, and made it "isibly appear to the !orld that, compared to him, they !ere but monkeys and a knot o mu led cal"es. ;hereupon e"erybody began to keep a bustling noise and talk o his so mar"ellous kno!ledge, through all degrees o persons o both se?es, e"en to the "ery laundresses, brokers, roast$meat sellers, penkni e makers, and others, !ho, !hen he passed along in the street, !ould say, This is heL in !hich he took delight, as )emosthenes, the prince o Greek orators, did, !hen an old crouching !i e, pointing at him !ith her ingers, said, That is

the man. 9o! at this same "ery time there !as a process or suit in la! depending in court bet!een t!o great lords, o !hich one !as called my %ord :issbreech, plainti o one side, and the other my %ord +uck ist, de endant o the otherE !hose contro"ersy !as so high and di icult in la! that the court o parliament could make nothing o it. *nd there ore, by the commandment o the king, there !ere assembled our o the greatest and most learned o all the parliaments o France, together !ith the great council, and all the principal regents o the uni"ersities, not only o France, but o 1ngland also and 5taly, such as 7ason, Philippus )ecius, Petrus de Petronibus, and a rabble o other old Rabbinists. ;ho being thus met together, a ter they had thereupon consulted or the space o si?$and$ orty !eeks, inding that they could not asten their teeth in it, nor !ith such clearness understand the case as that they might in any manner o !ay be able to right it, or take up the di erence bet!i?t the t!o a oresaid parties, it did so grie"ously "e? them that they most "illainously conshit themsel"es or shame. 5n this great e?tremity one amongst them, named )u )ouhet, the learnedest o all, and more e?pert and prudent than any o the rest, !hilst one day they !ere thus at their !its' end, all$to$be$dunced and philogroboliHed in their brains, said unto them, ;e ha"e been here, my masters, a good long space, !ithout doing anything else than tri le a!ay both our time and money, and can ne"ertheless ind neither brim nor bottom in this matter, or the more !e study about it the less !e understand therein, !hich is a great shame and disgrace to us, and a hea"y burden to our consciencesE yea, such that in my opinion !e shall not rid oursel"es o it !ithout dishonour, unless !e take some other courseE or !e do nothing but dote in our consultations. +ee, there ore, !hat 5 ha"e thought upon. #ou ha"e heard much talking o that !orthy personage named <aster Pantagruel, !ho hath been ound to be learned abo"e the capacity o this present age, by the proo s he ga"e in those great disputations !hich he held publicly against all men. <y opinion is, that !e send or him to con er !ith him about this businessE or ne"er any man !ill encompass the bringing o it to an end i he do it not. (ereunto all the counsellors and doctors !illingly agreed, and according to that their result ha"ing instantly sent or him, they entreated him to be pleased to can"ass the process and si t it thoroughly, that, a ter a deep search and narro! e?amination o all the points thereo , he might orth!ith make the report unto them such as he shall think good in true and legal kno!ledge. To this e ect they deli"ered into his hands the bags !herein !ere the !rits and pancarts concerning that suit, !hich or bulk and !eight !ere almost enough to lade our great couillard or stoned asses. But Pantagruel said unto them, *re the t!o lords bet!een !hom this debate and process is yet li"ingK 5t !as ans!ered him, #es. To !hat a de"il, then, said he, ser"e so many paltry heaps and bundles o papers and copies !hich you gi"e meK 5s it not better to hear their contro"ersy rom their o!n mouths !hilst they are ace to ace be ore us, than to read these "ile opperies, !hich are nothing but trumperies, deceits, diabolical coHenages o Cepola, pernicious slights and sub"ersions o e>uityK For 5 am sure that you, and all those through !hose hands this process has passed, ha"e by your de"ices added !hat you could to it pro et contra in such sort that, although their di erence perhaps !as clear and easy enough to determine at irst, you ha"e obscured it and made it more intricate by the ri"olous, sottish, unreasonable, and oolish reasons and opinions o *ccursius,

Baldus, Bartolus, de Castro, de 5mola, (ippolytus, Panormo, Bertachin, *le?ander, Curtius, and those other old masti s, !ho ne"er understood the least la! o the Pandects, they being but mere blockheads and great tithe cal"es, ignorant o all that !hich !as need ul or the understanding o the la!sE or, as it is most certain, they had not the kno!ledge either o the Greek or %atin tongue, but only o the Gothic and barbarian. The la!s, ne"ertheless, !ere irst taken rom the Greeks, according to the testimony o 8lpian, %. poster. de origine juris, !hich !e like!ise may percei"e by that all the la!s are ull o Greek !ords and sentences. *nd then !e ind that they are reduced into a %atin style the most elegant and ornate that !hole language is able to a ord, !ithout e?cepting that o any that e"er !rote therein, nay, not o +allust, =arro, Cicero, +eneca, Titus %i"ius, nor Juintilian. (o! then could these old dotards be able to understand aright the te?t o the la!s !ho ne"er in their time had looked upon a good %atin book, as doth e"idently enough appear by the rudeness o their style, !hich is itter or a chimney$s!eeper, or or a cook or a scullion, than or a jurisconsult and doctor in the la!sK Furthermore, seeing the la!s are e?cerpted out o the middle o moral and natural philosophy, ho! should these ools ha"e understood it, that ha"e, by G$$, studied less in philosophy than my muleK 5n respect o human learning and the kno!ledge o anti>uities and history they !ere truly laden !ith those aculties as a toad is !ith eathers. *nd yet o all this the la!s are so ull that !ithout it they cannot be understood, as 5 intend more ully to sho! unto you in a peculiar treatise !hich on that purpose 5 am about to publish. There ore, i you !ill that 5 take any meddling in this process, irst cause all these papers to be burntE secondly, make the t!o gentlemen come personally be ore me, and a ter!ards, !hen 5 shall ha"e heard them, 5 !ill tell you my opinion reely !ithout any eignedness or dissimulation !hatsoe"er. +ome amongst them did contradict this motion, as you kno! that in all companies there are more ools than !ise men, and that the greater part al!ays surmounts the better, as saith Titus %i"ius in speaking o the Carthaginians. But the oresaid )u )ouhet held the contrary opinion, maintaining that Pantagruel had said !ell, and !hat !as right, in a irming that these records, bills o in>uest, replies, rejoinders, e?ceptions, depositions, and other such diableries o truth$entangling !rits, !ere but engines !here!ith to o"erthro! justice and unnecessarily to prolong such suits as did depend be ore themE and that, there ore, the de"il !ould carry them all a!ay to hell i they did not take another course and proceeded not in times coming according to the prescripts o e"angelical and philosophical e>uity. 5n ine, all the papers !ere burnt, and the t!o gentlemen summoned and personally con"ented. *t !hose appearance be ore the court Pantagruel said unto them, *re you they that ha"e this great di erence bet!i?t youK #es, my lord, said they. ;hich o you, said Pantagruel, is the plainti K 5t is 5, said my %ord :issbreech. Go to, then, my riend, said he, and relate your matter unto me rom point to point, according to the real truth, or else, by cock's body, i 5 ind you to lie so much as in one !ord, 5 !ill make you shorter by the head, and take it rom o your shoulders to sho! others by your e?ample that in justice and judgment men ought to speak nothing but the truth. There ore take heed you do not add nor impair anything in the narration o your case. Begin.

Chapter -.I5. (o! the %ords o :issbreech and +uck ist did plead be ore Pantagruel !ithout an attorney. Then began :issbreech in manner as ollo!eth. <y lord, it is true that a good !oman o my house carried eggs to the market to sell. Be co"ered, :issbreech, said Pantagruel. Thanks to you, my lord, said the %ord :issbreechE but to the purpose. There passed bet!i?t the t!o tropics the sum o threepence to!ards the Henith and a hal penny, orasmuch as the Riphaean mountains had been that year oppressed !ith a great sterility o counter eit gudgeons and sho!s !ithout substance, by means o the babbling tattle and ond ibs seditiously raised bet!een the gibblegabblers and *ccursian gibberish$mongers or the rebellion o the +!itHers, !ho had assembled themsel"es to the ull number o the bumbees and myrmidons to go a$handsel$getting on the irst day o the ne! year, at that "ery time !hen they gi"e bre!is to the o?en and deli"er the key o the coals to the country$girls or ser"ing in o the oats to the dogs. *ll the night long they did nothing else, keeping their hands still upon the pot, but despatch, both on oot and horseback, leaden$sealed !rits or letters, to !it, papal commissions commonly called bulls, to stop the boatsE or the tailors and seamsters !ould ha"e made o the stolen shreds and clippings a goodly sagbut to co"er the ace o the ocean, !hich then !as great !ith child o a pot ul o cabbage, according to the opinion o the hay$bundle$makers. But the physicians said that by the urine they could discern no mani est sign o the bustard's pace, nor ho! to eat double$tongued mattocks !ith mustard, unless the lords and gentlemen o the court should be pleased to gi"e by B.mol e?press command to the po? not to run about any longer in gleaning up o coppersmiths and tinkersE or the jobbernolls had already a pretty good beginning in their dance o the British jig called the estrindore, to a per ect diapason, !ith one oot in the ire, and their head in the middle, as goodman Ragot !as !ont to say. (a, my masters, God moderates all things, and disposeth o them at his pleasure, so that against unlucky ortune a carter broke his risking !hip, !hich !as all the !ind$instrument he had. This !as done at his return rom the little paltry to!n, e"en then !hen <aster *ntitus o Cressplots !as licentiated, and had passed his degrees in all dullery and blockishness, according to this sentence o the canonists, Beati )unces, >uoniam ipsi stumbla"erunt. But that !hich makes %ent to be so high, by +t. Fiacre o Bry, is or nothing else but that the Pentecost ne"er comes but to my costE yet, on a ore there, hoL a little rain stills a great !ind, and !e must think so, seeing that the sergeant hath propounded the matter so ar abo"e my reach, that the clerks and secondaries could not !ith the bene it thereo lick their ingers, eathered !ith ganders, so orbicularly as they !ere !ont in other things to do. *nd !e do mani estly see that e"eryone ackno!ledgeth himsel to be in the error !here!ith another hath been charged, reser"ing only those cases !hereby !e are obliged to take an ocular inspection in a perspecti"e glass o these things to!ards the place in the chimney !here hangeth the sign o the !ine o orty girths, !hich ha"e been al!ays accounted "ery necessary or the number o t!enty pannels and pack$saddles o the bankrupt protectionaries o i"e years' respite. (o!soe"er, at least, he that !ould not let ly the o!l be ore the cheesecakes ought in la! to ha"e disco"ered his reason !hy not, or the memory is o ten lost !ith a !ay!ard shoeing. ;ell, God keep Theobald <itain rom all dangerL Then said Pantagruel, (old thereL (o, my riend, so t and air, speak at leisure and soberly !ithout putting yoursel in

choler. 5 understand the case,$$go on. 9o! then, my lord, said :issbreech, the oresaid good !oman saying her gaudeH and audi nos, could not co"er hersel !ith a treacherous backblo!, ascending by the !ounds and passions o the pri"ileges o the uni"ersities, unless by the "irtue o a !arming$pan she had angelically omented e"ery part o her body in co"ering them !ith a hedge o garden$bedsE then gi"ing in a s!i t una"oidable thirst @thrustD "ery near to the place !here they sell the old rags !hereo the painters o Flanders make great use !hen they are about neatly to clap on shoes on grasshoppers, locusts, cigals, and such like ly$ o!ls, so strange to us that 5 am !onder ully astonished !hy the !orld doth not lay, seeing it is so good to hatch. (ere the %ord o +uck ist !ould ha"e interrupted him and spoken some!hat, !hereupon Pantagruel said unto him, +tL by +t. *nthony's belly, doth it become thee to speak !ithout commandK 5 s!eat here !ith the e?tremity o labour and e?ceeding toil 5 take to understand the proceeding o your mutual di erence, and yet thou comest to trouble and dis>uiet me. Peace, in the de"il's name, peace. Thou shalt be permitted to speak thy belly ul !hen this man hath done, and no sooner. Go on, said he to :issbreechE speak calmly, and do not o"erheat yoursel !ith too much haste. 5 percei"ing, then, said :issbreech, that the Pragmatical +anction did make no mention o it, and that the holy Pope to e"eryone ga"e liberty to art at his o!n ease, i that the blankets had no streaks !herein the liars !ere to be crossed !ith a ru ian$like cre!, and, the rainbo! being ne!ly sharpened at <ilan to bring orth larks, ga"e his ull consent that the good !oman should tread do!n the heel o the hip$gut pangs, by "irtue o a solemn protestation put in by the little testiculated or codsted ishes, !hich, to tell the truth, !ere at that time "ery necessary or understanding the synta? and construction o old boots. There ore 7ohn Cal , her cousin ger"ais once remo"ed !ith a log rom the !oodstack, "ery seriously ad"ised her not to put hersel into the haHard o >uags!agging in the lee, to be scoured !ith a buck o linen clothes till irst she had kindled the paper. This counsel she laid hold on, because he desired her to take nothing and thro! out, or 9on de ponte "adit, >ui cum sapientia cadit. <atters thus standing, seeing the masters o the chamber o accompts or members o that committee did not ully agree amongst themsel"es in casting up the number o the *lmany !histles, !hereo !ere ramed those spectacles or princes !hich ha"e been lately printed at *nt!erp, 5 must needs think that it makes a bad return o the !rit, and that the ad"erse party is not to be belie"ed, in sacer "erbo dotis. For that, ha"ing a great desire to obey the pleasure o the king, 5 armed mysel rom toe to top !ith belly urniture, o the soles o good "enison$pasties, to go see ho! my grape$gatherers and "intagers had pinked and cut ull o small holes their high$coped caps, to lecher it the better, and play at in and in. *nd indeed the time !as "ery dangerous in coming rom the air, in so ar that many trained bo!men !ere cast at the muster and >uite rejected, although the chimney$tops !ere high enough, according to the proportion o the !indgalls in the legs o horses, or o the malanders, !hich in the esteem o e?pert arriers is no better disease, or else the story o Ronypati am or %amibaudichon, interpreted by some to be the tale o a tub or o a roasted horse, sa"ours o apocrypha, and is not an authentic history. *nd by this means there !as that year great abundance, throughout all the country o *rtois, o ta!ny buHHing beetles, to the no small pro it o the gentlemen$great$stick$ aggot$carriers, !hen they did eat !ithout disdaining the cocklicranes, till their belly !as like to crack !ith it again. *s or my o!n part, such is my Christian charity to!ards my

neighbours, that 5 could !ish rom my heart e"eryone had as good a "oiceE it !ould make us play the better at the tennis and the balloon. *nd truly, my lord, to e?press the real truth !ithout dissimulation, 5 cannot but say that those petty subtle de"ices !hich are ound out in the etymologiHing o pattens !ould descend more easily into the ri"er o +eine, to ser"e or e"er at the millers' bridge upon the said !ater, as it !as hereto ore decreed by the king o the Canarians, according to the sentence or judgment gi"en thereupon, !hich is to be seen in the registry and records !ithin the clerk's o ice o this house. *nd, there ore, my lord, 5 do most humbly re>uire, that by your lordship there may be said and declared upon the case !hat is reasonable, !ith costs, damages, and interests. Then said Pantagruel, <y riend, is this all you ha"e to sayK :issbreech ans!ered, #es, my lord, or 5 ha"e told all the tu autem, and ha"e not "aried at all upon mine honour in so much as one single !ord. #ou then, said Pantagruel, my %ord o +uck ist, say !hat you !ill, and be brie , !ithout omitting, ne"ertheless, anything that may ser"e to the purpose.

Chapter -.I55. (o! the %ord o +uck ist pleaded be ore Pantagruel. Then began the %ord +uck ist in manner as ollo!eth. <y lord, and you my masters, i the ini>uity o men !ere as easily seen in categorical judgment as !e can discern lies in a milkpot, the !orld's our o?en had not been so eaten up !ith rats, nor had so many ears upon the earth been nibbled a!ay so scur"ily. For although all that my ad"ersary hath spoken be o a "ery so t and do!ny truth, in so much as concerns the letter and history o the actum, yet ne"ertheless the cra ty slights, cunning subtleties, sly coHenages, and little troubling entanglements are hid under the rosepot, the common cloak and co"er o all raudulent deceits. +hould 5 endure that, !hen 5 am eating my pottage e>ual !ith the best, and that !ithout either thinking or speaking any manner o ill, they rudely come to "e?, trouble, and perple? my brains !ith that anti>ue pro"erb !hich saith, ;ho in his pottage$eating drinks !ill not, ;hen he is dead and buried, see one jot. *nd, good lady, ho! many great captains ha"e !e seen in the day o battle, !hen in open ield the sacrament !as distributed in luncheons o the sancti ied bread o the con raternity, the more honestly to nod their heads, play on the lute, and crack !ith their tails, to make pretty little plat orm leaps in keeping le"el by the groundK But no! the !orld is unshackled rom the corners o the packs o %eicester. 'ne lies out le!dly and becomes debauchedE another, like!ise, i"e, our, and t!o, and that at such random that, i the court take not some course therein, it !ill make as bad a season in matter o gleaning this year as e"er it made, or it !ill make goblets. 5 any poor creature go to the sto"es to illuminate his muHHle !ith a co!sherd or to buy !inter$boots, and that the sergeants passing by, or those o the !atch, happen to recei"e the decoction o a clyster or the ecal matter o a close$stool upon their rustling$!rangling$clutter$keeping masterships, should any because o that

make bold to clip the shillings and testers and ry the !ooden dishesK +ometimes, !hen !e think one thing, God does anotherE and !hen the sun is !holly set all beasts are in the shade. %et me ne"er be belie"ed again, i 5 do not gallantly pro"e it by se"eral people !ho ha"e seen the light o the day. 5n the year thirty and si?, buying a )utch curtail, !hich !as a middle$siHed horse, both high and short, o a !ool good enough and dyed in grain, as the goldsmiths assured me, although the notary put an Nc. in it, 5 told really that 5 !as not a clerk o so much learning as to snatch at the moon !ith my teethE but, as or the butter$ irkin !here =ulcanian deeds and e"idences !ere sealed, the rumour !as, and the report thereo !ent current, that salt$bee !ill make one ind the !ay to the !ine !ithout a candle, though it !ere hid in the bottom o a collier's sack, and that !ith his dra!ers on he !ere mounted on a barbed horse urnished !ith a ronstal, and such arms, thighs, and leg$pieces as are re>uisite or the !ell rying and broiling o a s!aggering sauciness. (ere is a sheep's head, and it is !ell they make a pro"erb o this, that it is good to see black co!s in burnt !ood !hen one attains to the enjoyment o his lo"e. 5 had a consultation upon this point !ith my masters the clerks, !ho or resolution concluded in risesomorum that there is nothing like to mo!ing in the summer, and s!eeping clean a!ay in !ater, !ell garnished !ith paper, ink, pens, and penkni"es, o %yons upon the ri"er o Rhone, dolopym dolopo , tarabin tarabas, tut, prut, pishE or, incontinently a ter that armour begins to smell o garlic, the rust !ill go near to eat the li"er, not o him that !ears it, and then do they nothing else but !ithstand others' courses, and !ryneckedly set up their bristles 'gainst one another, in lightly passing o"er their a ternoon's sleep, and this is that !hich maketh salt so dear. <y lords, belie"e not !hen the said good !oman had !ith birdlime caught the sho"eler o!l, the better be ore a sergeant's !itness to deli"er the younger son's portion to him, that the sheep's pluck or hog's haslet did dodge and shrink back in the usurers' purses, or that there could be anything better to preser"e one rom the cannibals than to take a rope o onions, knit !ith three hundred turnips, and a little o a cal 's chaldern o the best allay that the alchemists ha"e pro"ided, @andD that they daub and do o"er !ith clay, as also calcinate and burn to dust these pantou les, mu in mu out, mou lin mou lard, !ith the ine sauce o the juice o the rabble rout, !hilst they hide themsel"es in some petty mould!arphole, sa"ing al!ays the little slices o bacon. 9o!, i the dice !ill not a"our you !ith any other thro! but ambes$ace and the chance o three at the great end, mark !ell the ace, then take me your dame, settle her in a corner o the bed, and !hisk me her up drilletrille, there, there, toureloura la laE !hich !hen you ha"e done, take a hearty draught o the best, despicando greno"illibus, in despite o the rogs, !hose air coarse bebuskined stockings shall be set apart or the little green geese or me!ed goslings, !hich, attened in a coop, take delight to sport themsel"es at the !agtail game, !aiting or the beating o the metal and heating o the !a? by the sla"ering dri"ellers o consolation. =ery true it is, that the our o?en !hich are in debate, and !hereo mention !as made, !ere some!hat short in memory. 9e"ertheless, to understand the game aright, they eared neither the cormorant nor mallard o +a"oy, !hich put the good people o my country in great hope that their children some time should become "ery skil ul in algorism. There ore is it, that by a la! rubric and special sentence thereo , that !e cannot ail to take the !ol i !e make our hedges higher than the !indmill, !hereo some!hat !as spoken by the plainti . But the great de"il did en"y it, and by that means put the (igh )utches ar behind, !ho played the de"ils in

s!illing do!n and tippling at the good li>uor, trink, mein herr, trink, trink, by t!o o my table$men in the corner$point 5 ha"e gained the lurch. For it is not probable, nor is there any appearance o truth in this saying, that at Paris upon a little bridge the hen is proportionable, and !ere they as copped and high$crested as marsh !hoops, i "eritably they did not sacri ice the printer's pumpet$balls at <oreb, !ith a ne! edge set upon them by te?t letters or those o a s!i t$!riting hand, it is all one to me, so that the headband o the book breed not moths or !orms in it. *nd put the case that, at the coupling together o the buckhounds, the little puppies shall ha"e !a?ed proud be ore the notary could ha"e gi"en an account o the ser"ing o his !rit by the cabalistic art, it !ill necessarily ollo!, under correction o the better judgment o the court, that si? acres o meado! ground o the greatest breadth !ill make three butts o ine ink, !ithout paying ready moneyE considering that, at the uneral o :ing Charles, !e might ha"e had the athom in open market or one and t!o, that is, deuce ace. This 5 may a irm !ith a sa e conscience, upon my oath o !ool. *nd 5 see ordinarily in all good bagpipes, that, !hen they go to the counter eiting o the chirping o small birds, by s!inging a broom three times about a chimney, and putting his name upon record, they do nothing but bend a crossbo! back!ards, and !ind a horn, i perhaps it be too hot, and that, by making it ast to a rope he !as to dra!, immediately a ter the sight o the letters, the co!s !ere restored to him. +uch another sentence a ter the homeliest manner !as pronounced in the se"enteenth year, because o the bad go"ernment o %ouHe ougarouse, !hereunto it may please the court to ha"e regard. 5 desire to be rightly understoodE or truly, 5 say not but that in all e>uity, and !ith an upright conscience, those may "ery !ell be dispossessed !ho drink holy !ater as one !ould do a !ea"er's shuttle, !hereo suppositories are made to those that !ill not resign, but on the terms o ell and tell and gi"ing o one thing or another. Tunc, my lords, >uid juris pro minoribusK For the common custom o the +alic la! is such, that the irst incendiary or irebrand o sedition that lays the co! and !ipes his nose in a ull concert o music !ithout blo!ing in the cobbler's stitches, should in the time o the nightmare sublimate the penury o his member by moss gathered !hen people are like to ounder themsel"es at the mess at midnight, to gi"e the estrapade to these !hite !ines o *njou that do the ear o the leg in li ting it by horsemen called the gambetta, and that neck to neck a ter the ashion o Brittany, concluding as be ore !ith costs, damages, and interests. * ter that the %ord o +uck ist had ended, Pantagruel said to the %ord o :issbreech, <y riend, ha"e you a mind to make any reply to !hat is saidK 9o, my lord, ans!ered :issbreechE or 5 ha"e spoke all 5 intended, and nothing but the truth. There ore, put an end or God's sake to our di erence, or !e are here at great charge.

Chapter -.I555. (o! Pantagruel ga"e judgment upon the di erence o the t!o lords. Then Pantagruel, rising up, assembled all the presidents, counsellors, and doctors that !ere there, and said unto them, Come no!, my masters, you ha"e heard "i"ae "ocis oraculo, the contro"ersy that is in >uestionE !hat do you think o itK They ans!ered him, ;e ha"e indeed heard it, but ha"e not

understood the de"il so much as one circumstance o the caseE and there ore !e beseech you, una "oce, and in courtesy re>uest you that you !ould gi"e sentence as you think good, and, e? nunc prout e? tunc, !e are satis ied !ith it, and do rati y it !ith our ull consents. ;ell, my masters, said Pantagruel, seeing you are so pleased, 5 !ill do itE but 5 do not truly ind the case so di icult as you make it. #our paragraph Caton, the la! Frater, the la! Gallus, the la! Juin>ue pedum, the la! =inum, the la! +i )ominus, the la! <ater, the la! <ulier bona, to the la! +i >uis, the la! Pomponius, the la! Fundi, the la! 1mptor, the la! Praetor, the la! =enditor, and a great many others, are ar more intricate in my opinion. * ter he had spoke this, he !alked a turn or t!o about the hall, plodding "ery pro oundly, as one may thinkE or he did groan like an ass !hilst they girth him too hard, !ith the "ery intensi"eness o considering ho! he !as bound in conscience to do right to both parties, !ithout "arying or accepting o persons. Then he returned, sat do!n, and began to pronounce sentence as ollo!eth. (a"ing seen, heard, calculated, and !ell considered o the di erence bet!een the %ords o :issbreech and +uck ist, the court saith unto them, that in regard o the sudden >uaking, shi"ering, and hoariness o the lickermouse, bra"ely declining rom the esti"al solstice, to attempt by pri"ate means the surprisal o toyish tri les in those !ho are a little un!ell or ha"ing taken a draught too much, through the le!d demeanour and "e?ation o the beetles that inhabit the diarodal @diarhomalD climate o an hypocritical ape on horseback, bending a crossbo! back!ards, the plainti truly had just cause to cal et, or !ith oakum to stop the chinks o the galleon !hich the good !oman ble! up !ith !ind, ha"ing one oot shod and the other bare, reimbursing and restoring to him, lo! and sti in his conscience, as many bladder$nuts and !ild pistaches as there is o hair in eighteen co!s, !ith as much or the embroiderer, and so much or that. (e is like!ise declared innocent o the case pri"ileged rom the knapdardies, into the danger !hereo it !as thought he had incurredE because he could not jocundly and !ith ulness o reedom untruss and dung, by the decision o a pair o glo"es per umed !ith the scent o bum$gunshot at the !alnut$tree taper, as is usual in his country o <irebalais. +lacking, there ore, the topsail, and letting go the bo!line !ith the braHen bullets, !here!ith the mariners did by !ay o protestation bake in pastemeat great store o pulse inter>uilted !ith the dormouse, !hose ha!k's$bells !ere made !ith a puntinaria, a ter the manner o (ungary or Flanders lace, and !hich his brother$in$la! carried in a pannier, lying near to three che"rons or bordered gules, !hilst he !as clean out o heart, drooping and crest allen by the too narro! si ting, can"assing, and curious e?amining o the matter in the angularly doghole o nasty scoundrels, rom !hence !e shoot at the "ermi ormal popinjay !ith the lap made o a o?tail. But in that he chargeth the de endant that he !as a botcher, cheese$eater, and trimmer o man's lesh embalmed, !hich in the arsi"ersy s!ag all tumble !as not ound true, as by the de endant !as "ery !ell discussed. The court, there ore, doth condemn and amerce him in three porringers o curds, !ell cemented and closed together, shining like pearls, and codpieced a ter the ashion o the country, to be paid unto the said de endant about the middle o *ugust in <ay. But, on the other part, the de endant shall be bound to urnish him !ith hay and stubble or stopping the caltrops o his throat, troubled and impulrega iHed, !ith gabardines garbled shu lingly, and riends as be ore, !ithout costs and or cause.

;hich sentence being pronounced, the t!o parties departed both contented !ith the decree, !hich !as a thing almost incredible. For it ne"er came to pass since the great rain, nor shall the like occur in thirteen jubilees herea ter, that t!o parties contradictorily contending in judgment be e>ually satis ied and !ell pleased !ith the de initi"e sentence. *s or the counsellors and other doctors in the la! that !ere there present, they !ere all so ra"ished !ith admiration at the more than human !isdom o Pantagruel, !hich they did most clearly percei"e to be in him by his so accurate decision o this so di icult and thorny cause, that their spirits !ith the e?tremity o the rapture being ele"ated abo"e the pitch o actuating the organs o the body, they ell into a trance and sudden ecstasy, !herein they stayed or the space o three long hours, and had been so as yet in that condition had not some good people etched store o "inegar and rose$!ater to bring them again unto their ormer sense and understanding, or the !hich God be praised e"ery!here. *nd so be it.

Chapter -.I5=. (o! Panurge related the manner ho! he escaped out o the hands o the Turks. The great !it and judgment o Pantagruel !as immediately a ter this made kno!n unto all the !orld by setting orth his praises in print, and putting upon record this late !onder ul proo he hath gi"en thereo amongst the rolls o the cro!n and registers o the palace, in such sort that e"erybody began to say that +olomon, !ho by a probable guess only, !ithout any urther certainty, caused the child to be deli"ered to its o!n mother, sho!ed ne"er in his time such a masterpiece o !isdom as the good Pantagruel hath done. (appy are !e, there ore, that ha"e him in our country. *nd indeed they !ould ha"e made him thereupon master o the re>uests and president in the courtE but he re used all, "ery graciously thanking them or their o er. For, said he, there is too much sla"ery in these o ices, and "ery hardly can they be sa"ed that do e?ercise them, considering the great corruption that is amongst men. ;hich makes me belie"e, i the empty seats o angels be not illed !ith other kind o people than those, !e shall not ha"e the inal judgment these se"en thousand, si?ty and se"en jubilees yet to come, and so Cusanus !ill be decei"ed in his conjecture. Remember that 5 ha"e told you o it, and gi"en you air ad"ertisement in time and place con"enient. But i you ha"e any hogsheads o good !ine, 5 !illingly !ill accept o a present o that. ;hich they "ery heartily did do, in sending him o the best that !as in the city, and he drank reasonably !ell, but poor Panurge bibbed and boused o it most "illainously, or he !as as dry as a red$herring, as lean as a rake, and, like a poor, lank, slender cat, !alked gingerly as i he had trod upon eggs. +o that by someone being admonished, in the midst o his draught o a large deep bo!l ull o e?cellent claret !ith these !ords$$Fair and so tly, gossip, you suck up as i you !ere mad $$5 gi"e thee to the de"il, said heE thou hast not ound here thy little tippling sippers o Paris, that drink no more than the little bird called a spink or cha inch, and ne"er take in their beak ul o li>uor till they be bobbed on the tails a ter the manner o the sparro!s. ' companionL i 5 could mount up as !ell as 5 can get do!n, 5 had been long ere this abo"e the sphere o the moon !ith 1mpedocles. But 5 cannot tell !hat a de"il this means. This !ine is so good and delicious, that the more 5 drink

thereo the more 5 am athirst. 5 belie"e that the shado! o my master Pantagruel engendereth the altered and thirsty men, as the moon doth the catarrhs and de lu?ions. *t !hich !ord the company began to laugh, !hich Pantagruel percei"ing, said, Panurge, !hat is that !hich mo"es you to laugh soK +ir, said he, 5 !as telling them that these de"ilish Turks are "ery unhappy in that they ne"er drink one drop o !ine, and that though there !ere no other harm in all <ahomet's *lcoran, yet or this one base point o abstinence rom !ine !hich therein is commanded, 5 !ould not submit mysel unto their la!. But no! tell me, said Pantagruel, ho! you escaped out o their hands. By G$$, sir, said Panurge, 5 !ill not lie to you in one !ord. The rascally Turks had broached me upon a spit all larded like a rabbit, or 5 !as so dry and meagre that other!ise o my lesh they !ould ha"e made but "ery bad meat, and in this manner began to roast me ali"e. *s they !ere thus roasting me, 5 recommended mysel unto the di"ine grace, ha"ing in my mind the good +t. %a!rence, and al!ays hoped in God that he !ould deli"er me out o this torment. ;hich came to pass, and that "ery strangely. For as 5 did commit mysel !ith all my heart unto God, crying, %ord God, help meL %ord God, sa"e meL %ord God, take me out o this pain and hellish torture, !herein these traitorous dogs detain me or my sincerity in the maintenance o thy la!L The roaster or turnspit ell asleep by the di"ine !ill, or else by the "irtue o some good <ercury, !ho cunningly brought *rgus into a sleep or all his hundred eyes. ;hen 5 sa! that he did no longer turn me in roasting, 5 looked upon him, and percei"ed that he !as ast asleep. Then took 5 up in my teeth a irebrand by the end !here it !as not burnt, and cast it into the lap o my roaster, and another did 5 thro! as !ell as 5 could under a ield$couch that !as placed near to the chimney, !herein !as the stra!$bed o my master turnspit. Presently the ire took hold in the stra!, and rom the stra! to the bed, and rom the bed to the lo t, !hich !as planked and ceiled !ith ir, a ter the ashion o the oot o a lamp. But the best !as, that the ire !hich 5 had cast into the lap o my paltry roaster burnt all his groin, and !as beginning to cease @seiHeD upon his cullions, !hen he became sensible o the danger, or his smelling !as not so bad but that he elt it sooner than he could ha"e seen daylight. Then suddenly getting up, and in a great amaHement running to the !indo!, he cried out to the streets as high as he could, )al baroth, dal baroth, dal baroth, !hich is as much to say as Fire, ire, ire. 5ncontinently turning about, he came straight to!ards me to thro! me >uite into the ire, and to that e ect had already cut the ropes !here!ith my hands !ere tied, and !as undoing the cords rom o my eet, !hen the master o the house hearing him cry Fire, and smelling the smoke rom the "ery street !here he !as !alking !ith some other Basha!s and <ustaphas, ran !ith all the speed he had to sa"e !hat he could, and to carry a!ay his je!els. #et such !as his rage, be ore he could !ell resol"e ho! to go about it, that he caught the broach !hereon 5 !as spitted and there!ith killed my roaster stark dead, o !hich !ound he died there or !ant o go"ernment or other!iseE or he ran him in !ith the spit a little abo"e the na"el, to!ards the right lank, till he pierced the third lappet o his li"er, and the blo! slanting up!ards rom the midri or diaphragm, through !hich it had made penetration, the spit passed ath!art the pericardium or capsule o his heart, and came out abo"e at his shoulders, bet!i?t the spondyls or turning joints o the chine o the back and the le t homoplat, !hich !e call the shoulder$blade. True it is, or 5 !ill not lie, that, in dra!ing the spit out o my body 5 ell to the ground near unto the andirons, and so by the all took some hurt, !hich indeed had been greater, but that the lardons, or little slices

o bacon !here!ith 5 !as stuck, kept o the blo!. <y Basha! then seeing the case to be desperate, his house burnt !ithout remission, and all his goods lost, ga"e himsel o"er unto all the de"ils in hell, calling upon some o them by their names, Grilgoth, *staroth, Rappalus, and Gribouillis, nine se"eral times. ;hich !hen 5 sa!, 5 had abo"e si?pence' !orth o ear, dreading that the de"ils !ould come e"en then to carry a!ay this ool, and, seeing me so near him, !ould perhaps snatch me up to. 5 am already, thought 5, hal roasted, and my lardons !ill be the cause o my mischie E or these de"ils are "ery li>uorous o lardons, according to the authority !hich you ha"e o the philosopher 7amblicus, and <urmault, in the *pology o Bossutis, adulterated pro magistros nostros. But or my better security 5 made the sign o the cross, crying, (ageos, athanatos, ho theos, and none came. *t !hich my rogue Basha! being "ery much aggrie"ed !ould, in transpiercing his heart !ith my spit, ha"e killed himsel , and to that purpose had set it against his breast, but it could not enter, because it !as not sharp enough. ;hereupon 5 percei"ing that he !as not like to !ork upon his body the e ect !hich he intended, although he did not spare all the orce he had to thrust it or!ard, came up to him and said, <aster Bugrino, thou dost here but tri le a!ay thy time, or rashly lose it, or thou !ilt ne"er kill thysel thus as thou doest. ;ell, thou mayst hurt or bruise some!hat !ithin thee, so as to make thee languish all thy li etime most piti ully amongst the hands o the chirurgeonsE but i thou !ilt be counselled by me, 5 !ill kill thee clear outright, so that thou shalt not so much as eel it, and trust me, or 5 ha"e killed a great many others, !ho ha"e ound themsel"es "ery !ell a ter it. (a, my riend, said he, 5 prithee do so, and or thy pains 5 !ill gi"e thee my codpiece @budgetDE take, here it is, there are si? hundred seraphs in it, and some ine diamonds and most e?cellent rubies. *nd !here are theyK said 1pistemon. By +t. 7ohn, said Panurge, they are a good !ay hence, i they al!ays keep going. But !here is the last year's sno!K This !as the greatest care that =illon the Parisian poet took. <ake an end, said Pantagruel, that !e may kno! ho! thou didst dress thy Basha!. By the aith o an honest man, said Panurge, 5 do not lie in one !ord. 5 s!addled him in a scur"y s!athel$binding !hich 5 ound lying there hal burnt, and !ith my cords tied him roister$like both hand and oot, in such sort that he !as not able to !inceE then passed my spit through his throat, and hanged him thereon, astening the end thereo at t!o great hooks or crampirons, upon !hich they did hang their halberdsE and then, kindling a air ire under him, did lame you up my <ilourt, as they use to do dry herrings in a chimney. ;ith this, taking his budget and a little ja"elin that !as upon the oresaid hooks, 5 ran a!ay a air gallop$rake, and God he kno!s ho! 5 did smell my shoulder o mutton. ;hen 5 !as come do!n into the street, 5 ound e"erybody come to put out the ire !ith store o !ater, and seeing me so hal $roasted, they did naturally pity my case, and thre! all their !ater upon me, !hich, by a most joy ul re reshing o me, did me "ery much good. Then did they present me !ith some "ictuals, but 5 could not eat much, because they ga"e me nothing to drink but !ater a ter their ashion. 'ther hurt they did me none, only one little "illainous Turkey knobbreasted rogue came thie teously to snatch a!ay some o my lardons, but 5 ga"e him such a sturdy thump and sound rap on the ingers !ith all the !eight o my ja"elin, that he came no more the second time. +hortly a ter this there came to!ards me a pretty young Corinthian !ench, !ho brought me a bo? ul o conser"es, o round <irabolan plums, called emblicks, and looked upon my poor robin !ith an eye o great compassion, as it !as lea$bitten and pinked !ith the sparkles o the ire rom !hence it came, or it reached no arther in length, belie"e me, than

my knees. But note that this roasting cured me entirely o a sciatica, !hereunto 5 had been subject abo"e se"en years be ore, upon that side !hich my roaster by alling asleep su ered to be burnt. 9o!, !hilst they !ere thus busy about me, the ire triumphed, ne"er ask ho!K For it took hold on abo"e t!o thousand houses, !hich one o them espying cried out, saying, By <ahoom's belly, all the city is on ire, and !e do ne"ertheless stand gaHing here, !ithout o ering to make any relie . 8pon this e"eryone ran to sa"e his o!nE or my part, 5 took my !ay to!ards the gate. ;hen 5 !as got upon the knap o a little hillock not ar o , 5 turned me about as did %ot's !i e, and, looking back, sa! all the city burning in a air ire, !hereat 5 !as so glad that 5 had almost beshit mysel or joy. But God punished me !ell or it. (o!K said Pantagruel. Thus, said PanurgeE or !hen !ith pleasure 5 beheld this jolly ire, jesting !ith mysel , and saying$$(aL poor lies, haL poor mice, you !ill ha"e a bad !inter o it this yearE the ire is in your reeks, it is in your bed$stra!$$out come more than si?, yea, more than thirteen hundred and ele"en dogs, great and small, altogether out o the to!n, lying a!ay rom the ire. *t the irst approach they ran all upon me, being carried on by the scent o my lecherous hal $roasted lesh, and had e"en then de"oured me in a trice, i my good angel had not !ell inspired me !ith the instruction o a remedy "ery so"ereign against the toothache. *nd !here ore, said Pantagruel, !ert thou a raid o the toothache or pain o the teethK ;ert thou not cured o thy rheumsK By Palm +unday, said Panurge, is there any greater pain o the teeth than !hen the dogs ha"e you by the legsK But on a sudden, as my good angel directed me, 5 thought upon my lardons, and thre! them into the midst o the ield amongst them. Then did the dogs run, and ight !ith one another at air teeth !hich should ha"e the lardons. By this means they le t me, and 5 le t them also bustling !ith and hairing one another. Thus did 5 escape rolic and li"ely, gramercy roastmeat and cookery.

Chapter -.I=. (o! Panurge sho!ed a "ery ne! !ay to build the !alls o Paris. Pantagruel one day, to re resh himsel o his study, !ent a$!alking to!ards +t. <arcel's suburbs, to see the e?tra"agancy o the Gobeline building, and to taste o their spiced bread. Panurge !as !ith him, ha"ing al!ays a lagon under his go!n and a good slice o a gammon o baconE or !ithout this he ne"er !ent, saying that it !as as a yeoman o the guard to him, to preser"e his body rom harm. 'ther s!ord carried he noneE and, !hen Pantagruel !ould ha"e gi"en him one, he ans!ered that he needed none, or that it !ould but heat his milt. #ea but, said 1pistemon, i thou shouldst be set upon, ho! !ouldst thou de end thysel K ;ith great buskinades or brodkin blo!s, ans!ered he, pro"ided thrusts !ere orbidden. *t their return, Panurge considered the !alls o the city o Paris, and in derision said to Pantagruel, +ee !hat air !alls here areL ' ho! strong they are, and !ell itted to keep geese in a me! or coop to atten themL By my beard, they are competently scur"y or such a city as this isE or a co! !ith one art !ould go near to o"erthro! abo"e si? athoms o them. ' my riend, said Pantagruel, dost thou kno! !hat *gesilaus said !hen he !as asked !hy the great city o %acedaemon !as not enclosed !ith !allsK %o here, said he, the !alls o the cityL in sho!ing them the inhabitants and citiHens thereo , so strong, so !ell armed, and so e?pert in military

disciplineE signi ying thereby that there is no !all but o bones, and that to!ns and cities cannot ha"e a surer !all nor better orti ication than the pro!ess and "irtue o the citiHens and inhabitants. +o is this city so strong, by the great number o !arlike people that are in it, that they care not or making any other !alls. Besides, !hosoe"er !ould go about to !all it, as +trasbourg, 'rleans, or Ferrara, !ould ind it almost impossible, the cost and charges !ould be so e?cessi"e. #ea but, said Panurge, it is good, ne"ertheless, to ha"e an outside o stone !hen !e are in"aded by our enemies, !ere it but to ask, ;ho is belo! thereK *s or the enormous e?pense !hich you say !ould be need ul or undertaking the great !ork o !alling this city about, i the gentlemen o the to!n !ill be pleased to gi"e me a good rough cup o !ine, 5 !ill sho! them a pretty, strange, and ne! !ay, ho! they may build them good cheap. (o!K said Pantagruel. )o not speak o it then, ans!ered Panurge, and 5 !ill tell it you. 5 see that the sine >uo nons, kallibistris, or contrapunctums o the !omen o this country are better cheap than stones. ' them should the !alls be built, ranging them in good symmetry by the rules o architecture, and placing the largest in the irst ranks, then sloping do!n!ards ridge$!ise, like the back o an ass. The middle$siHed ones must be ranked ne?t, and last o all the least and smallest. This done, there must be a ine little interlacing o them, like points o diamonds, as is to be seen in the great to!er o Bourges, !ith a like number o the nudinnudos, nilnisistandos, and sti bracmards, that d!ell in amongst the claustral codpieces. ;hat de"il !ere able to o"erthro! such !allsK There is no metal like it to resist blo!s, in so ar that, i cul"erin$shot should come to graHe upon it, you !ould incontinently see distil rom thence the blessed ruit o the great po? as small as rain. Be!are, in the name o the de"ils, and hold o . Furthermore, no thunderbolt or lightning !ould all upon it. For !hyK They are all either blest or consecrated. 5 see but one incon"eniency in it. (o, ho, ha, ha, haL said Pantagruel, and !hat is thatK 5t is, that the lies !ould be so li>uorish o them that you !ould !onder, and !ould >uickly gather there together, and there lea"e their ordure and e?cretions, and so all the !ork !ould be spoiled. But see ho! that might be remedied& they must be !iped and made rid o the lies !ith air o?tails, or great good "iedaHes, !hich are ass$piHHles, o Pro"ence. *nd to this purpose 5 !ill tell you, as !e go to supper, a bra"e e?ample set do!n by Frater %ubinus, %ibro de compotationibus mendicantium. 5n the time that the beasts did speak, !hich is not yet three days since, a poor lion, !alking through the orest o Bieure, and saying his o!n little pri"ate de"otions, passed under a tree !here there !as a roguish collier gotten up to cut do!n !ood, !ho, seeing the lion, cast his hatchet at him and !ounded him enormously in one o his legsE !hereupon the lion halting, he so long toiled and turmoiled himsel in roaming up and do!n the orest to ind help, that at last he met !ith a carpenter, !ho !illingly looked upon his !ound, cleansed it as !ell as he could, and illed it !ith moss, telling him that he must !ipe his !ound !ell that the lies might not do their e?crements in it, !hilst he should go search or some yarro! or mille oil, commonly called the carpenter's herb. The lion, being thus healed, !alked along in the orest at !hat time a sempiternous crone and old hag !as picking up and gathering some sticks in the said orest, !ho, seeing the lion coming to!ards her, or ear ell do!n back!ards, in such sort that the !ind ble! up her go!n, coats, and smock, e"en as ar as abo"e her shouldersE !hich the lion percei"ing, or pity ran to see !hether she had taken any hurt by the all, and thereupon considering her ho! do you call it, said, ' poor !oman, !ho hath thus !ounded theeK ;hich !ords !hen he had spoken, he espied a o?, !hom he called to come to him saying,

Gossip Reynard, hau, hither, hither, and or causeL ;hen the o? !as come, he said unto him, <y gossip and riend, they ha"e hurt this good !oman here bet!een the legs most "illainously, and there is a mani est solution o continuity. +ee ho! great a !ound it is, e"en rom the tail up to the na"el, in measure our, nay ull i"e hand uls and a hal . This is the blo! o a hatchet, 5 doubt meE it is an old !ound, and there ore, that the lies may not get into it, !ipe it lustily !ell and hard, 5 prithee, both !ithin and !ithoutE thou hast a good tail, and long. ;ipe, my riend, !ipe, 5 beseech thee, and in the mean!hile 5 !ill go get some moss to put into itE or thus ought !e to succour and help one another. ;ipe it hard, thus, my riendE !ipe it !ell, or this !ound must be o ten !iped, other!ise the party cannot be at ease. Go to, !ipe !ell, my little gossip, !ipeE God hath urnished thee !ith a tailE thou hast a long one, and o a bigness proportionableE !ipe hard, and be not !eary. * good !iper, !ho, in !iping continually, !ipeth !ith his !ipard, by !asps shall ne"er be !ounded. ;ipe, my pretty minionE !ipe, my little bullyE 5 !ill not stay long. Then !ent he to get store o mossE and !hen he !as a little !ay o , he cried out in speaking to the o? thus, ;ipe !ell still, gossip, !ipe, and let it ne"er grie"e thee to !ipe !ell, my little gossipE 5 !ill put thee into ser"ice to be !iper to )on Pedro de CastileE !ipe, only !ipe, and no more. The poor o? !iped as hard as he could, here and there, !ithin and !ithoutE but the alse old trot did so iHHle and ist that she stunk like a hundred de"ils, !hich put the poor o? to a great deal o ill ease, or he kne! not to !hat side to turn himsel to escape the unsa"oury per ume o this old !oman's postern blasts. *nd !hilst to that e ect he !as shi ting hither and thither, !ithout kno!ing ho! to shun the annoyance o those un!holesome gusts, he sa! that behind there !as yet another hole, not so great as that !hich he did !ipe, out o !hich came this ilthy and in ectious air. The lion at last returned, bringing !ith him o moss more than eighteen packs !ould hold, and began to put into the !ound !ith a sta !hich he had pro"ided or that purpose, and had already put in ull si?teen packs and a hal , at !hich he !as amaHed. ;hat a de"ilL said he, this !ound is "ery deepE it !ould hold abo"e t!o cartloads o moss. The o?, percei"ing this, said unto the lion, ' gossip lion, my riend, 5 pray thee do not put in all thy moss thereE keep some!hat, or there is yet here another little hole, that stinks like i"e hundred de"ilsE 5 am almost choked !ith the smell thereo , it is so pesti erous and empoisoning. Thus must these !alls be kept rom the lies, and !ages allo!ed to some or !iping o them. Then said Pantagruel, (o! dost thou kno! that the pri"y parts o !omen are at such a cheap rateK For in this city there are many "irtuous, honest, and chaste !omen besides the maids. 1t ubi prenusK said Panurge. 5 !ill gi"e you my opinion o it, and that upon certain and assured kno!ledge. 5 do not brag that 5 ha"e bumbasted our hundred and se"enteen since 5 came into this city, though it be but nine days agoE but this "ery morning 5 met !ith a good ello!, !ho, in a !allet such as *esop's !as, carried t!o little girls o t!o or three years old at the most, one be ore and the other behind. (e demanded alms o me, but 5 made him ans!er that 5 had more cods than pence. * ter!ards 5 asked him, Good man, these t!o girls, are they maidsK Brother, said he, 5 ha"e carried them thus these t!o years, and in regard o her that is be ore, !hom 5 see continually, in my opinion she is a "irgin, ne"ertheless 5 !ill not put my inger in the ire or itE as or her that is behind, doubtless 5 can say nothing. 5ndeed, said Pantagruel, thou art a gentle companionE 5 !ill ha"e thee to be apparelled in my li"ery. *nd there ore caused him to be clothed most

gallantly according to the ashion that then !as, only that Panurge !ould ha"e the codpiece o his breeches three oot long, and in shape s>uare, not roundE !hich !as done, and !as !ell !orth the seeing. ' tentimes !as he !ont to say, that the !orld had not yet kno!n the emolument and utility that is in !earing great codpiecesE but time !ould one day teach it them, as all things ha"e been in"ented in time. God keep rom hurt, said he, the good ello! !hose long codpiece or braguet hath sa"ed his li eL God keep rom hurt him !hose long braguet hath been !orth to him in one day one hundred threescore thousand and nine cro!nsL God keep rom hurt him !ho by his long braguet hath sa"ed a !hole city rom dying by amineL *nd, by G$, 5 !ill make a book o the commodity o long braguets !hen 5 shall ha"e more leisure. *nd indeed he composed a air great book !ith igures, but it is not printed as yet that 5 kno! o .

Chapter -.I=5. ' the >ualities and conditions o Panurge. Panurge !as o a middle stature, not too high nor too lo!, and had some!hat an a>uiline nose, made like the handle o a raHor. (e !as at that time i"e and thirty years old or thereabouts, ine to gild like a leaden dagger$$ or he !as a notable cheater and coney$catcher$$he !as a "ery gallant and proper man o his person, only that he !as a little lecherous, and naturally subject to a kind o disease !hich at that time they called lack o money$$it is an incomparable grie , yet, not!ithstanding, he had three score and three tricks to come by it at his need, o !hich the most honourable and most ordinary !as in manner o thie"ing, secret purloining and ilching, or he !as a !icked le!d rogue, a coHener, drinker, roister, ro"er, and a "ery dissolute and debauched ello!, i there !ere any in ParisE other!ise, and in all matters else, the best and most "irtuous man in the !orldE and he !as still contri"ing some plot, and de"ising mischie against the sergeants and the !atch. *t one time he assembled three or our especial good hacksters and roaring boys, made them in the e"ening drink like Templars, a ter!ards led them till they came under +t. Gene"ie"e, or about the college o 9a"arre, and, at the hour that the !atch !as coming up that !ay$$!hich he kne! by putting his s!ord upon the pa"ement, and his ear by it, and, !hen he heard his s!ord shake, it !as an in allible sign that the !atch !as near at that instant$$then he and his companions took a tumbrel or dung$cart, and ga"e it the brangle, hurling it !ith all their orce do!n the hill, and so o"erthre! all the poor !atchmen like pigs, and then ran a!ay upon the other sideE or in less than t!o days he kne! all the streets, lanes, and turnings in Paris as !ell as his )eus det. *t another time he made in some air place, !here the said !atch !as to pass, a train o gunpo!der, and, at the "ery instant that they !ent along, set ire to it, and then made himsel sport to see !hat good grace they had in running a!ay, thinking that +t. *nthony's ire had caught them by the legs. *s or the poor masters o arts, he did persecute them abo"e all others. ;hen he encountered !ith any o them upon the street, he !ould not ne"er ail to put some trick or other upon them, sometimes putting the bit o a ried turd in their graduate hoods, at other times pinning on little o?tails or hares'$ears behind them, or some such other roguish prank. 'ne day that they !ere appointed all to meet in the Fodder +treet @+orbonneD,

he made a Borbonesa tart, or ilthy and slo"enly compound, made o store o garlic, o assa oetida, o castoreum, o dogs' turds "ery !arm, !hich he steeped, tempered, and li>ue ied in the corrupt matter o pocky boils and pesti erous botchesE and, "ery early in the morning there!ith anointed all the pa"ement, in such sort that the de"il could not ha"e endured it, !hich made all these good people there to lay up their gorges, and "omit !hat !as upon their stomachs be ore all the !orld, as i they had layed the o?E and ten or t!el"e o them died o the plague, ourteen became lepers, eighteen gre! lousy, and about se"en and t!enty had the po?, but he did not care a button or it. (e commonly carried a !hip under his go!n, !here!ith he !hipped !ithout remission the pages !hom he ound carrying !ine to their masters, to make them mend their pace. 5n his coat he had abo"e si? and t!enty little obs and pockets al!ays ullE one !ith some lead$!ater, and a little kni e as sharp as a glo"er's needle, !here!ith he used to cut pursesE another !ith some kind o bitter stu , !hich he thre! into the eyes o those he metE another !ith clotburrs, penned !ith little geese' or capon's eathers, !hich he cast upon the go!ns and caps o honest people, and o ten made them air horns, !hich they !ore about all the city, sometimes all their li e. =ery o ten, also, upon the !omen's French hoods !ould he stick in the hind part some!hat made in the shape o a man's member. 5n another, he had a great many little horns ull o leas and lice, !hich he borro!ed rom the beggars o +t. 5nnocent, and cast them !ith small canes or >uills to !rite !ith into the necks o the daintiest gentle!omen that he could ind, yea, e"en in the church, or he ne"er seated himsel abo"e in the choir, but al!ays sat in the body o the church amongst the !omen, both at mass, at "espers, and at sermon. 5n another, he used to ha"e good store o hooks and buckles, !here!ith he !ould couple men and !omen together that sat in company close to one another, but especially those that !ore go!ns o crimson ta eties, that, !hen they !ere about to go a!ay, they might rend all their go!ns. 5n another, he had a s>uib urnished !ith tinder, matches, stones to strike ire, and all other tackling necessary or it. 5n another, t!o or three burning glasses, !here!ith he made both men and !omen sometimes mad, and in the church put them >uite out o countenanceE or he said that there !as but an antistrophe, or little more di erence than o a literal in"ersion, bet!een a !oman olle a la messe and molle a la esse, that is, oolish at the mass and o a pliant buttock. 5n another, he had a good deal o needles and thread, !here!ith he did a thousand little de"ilish pranks. 'ne time, at the entry o the palace unto the great hall, !here a certain grey riar or cordelier !as to say mass to the counsellors, he did help to apparel him and put on his "estments, but in the accoutring o him he se!ed on his alb, surplice, or stole, to his go!n and shirt, and then !ithdre! himsel !hen the said lords o the court or counsellors came to hear the said massE but !hen it came to the 5te, missa est, that the poor rater !ould ha"e laid by his stole or surplice, as the ashion then !as, he plucked o !ithal both his rock and shirt, !hich !ere !ell se!ed together, and thereby stripping himsel up to the "ery shoulders sho!ed his bel "edere to all the !orld, together !ith his )on Cypriano, !hich !as no small one, as you may imagine. *nd the riar still kept haling, but so much the more did he disco"er himsel and lay open his back parts, till one o the lords o the court said, (o! no!L !hat's the matterK ;ill this air ather make us here an o ering o his tail to kiss itK 9ay, +t. *nthony's ire kiss it or usL From thence orth it !as ordained that the poor athers should ne"er disrobe themsel"es any more be ore the !orld, but in their "estry$room, or se?try, as they call itE especially in the presence o !omen, lest it should tempt them to the

sin o longing and disordinate desire. The people then asked !hy it !as the riars had so long and large genitoriesK The said Panurge resol"ed the problem "ery neatly, saying, That !hich makes asses to ha"e such great ears is that their dams did put no biggins on their heads, as *lliaco mentioneth in his +uppositions. By the like reason, that !hich makes the genitories or generation$tools o those so air raters so long is, or that they !ear no bottomed breeches, and there ore their jolly member, ha"ing no impediment, hangeth dangling at liberty as ar as it can reach, !ith a !iggle$!aggle do!n to their knees, as !omen carry their paternoster beads. and the cause !here ore they ha"e it so correspondently great is, that in this constant !ig$!agging the humours o the body descend into the said member. For, according to the %egists, agitation and continual motion is cause o attraction. 5tem, he had another pocket ull o itching po!der, called stone$alum, !hereo he !ould cast some into the backs o those !omen !hom he judged to be most beauti ul and stately, !hich did so ticklishly gall them, that some !ould strip themsel"es in the open "ie! o the !orld, and others dance like a cock upon hot embers, or a drumstick on a tabor. 'thers, again, ran about the streets, and he !ould run a ter them. To such as !ere in the stripping "ein he !ould "ery ci"illy come to o er his attendance, and co"er them !ith his cloak, like a courteous and "ery gracious man. 5tem, in another he had a little leather bottle ull o old oil, !here!ith, !hen he sa! any man or !oman in a rich ne! handsome suit, he !ould grease, smutch, and spoil all the best parts o it under colour and pretence o touching them, saying, This is good clothE this is good satinE good ta etiesL <adam, God gi"e you all that your noble heart desirethL #ou ha"e a ne! suit, pretty sirE$$and you a ne! go!n, s!eet mistressE$$God gi"e you joy o it, and maintain you in all prosperityL *nd !ith this !ould lay his hand upon their shoulder, at !hich touch such a "illainous spot !as le t behind, so enormously engra"en to perpetuity in the "ery soul, body, and reputation, that the de"il himsel could ne"er ha"e taken it a!ay. Then, upon his departing, he !ould say, <adam, take heed you do not all, or there is a ilthy great hole be ore you, !hereinto i you put your oot, you !ill >uite spoil yoursel . *nother he had all ull o euphorbium, "ery inely pul"eriHed. 5n that po!der did he lay a air handkerchie curiously !rought, !hich he had stolen rom a pretty seamstress o the palace, in taking a!ay a louse rom o her bosom !hich he had put there himsel , and, !hen he came into the company o some good ladies, he !ould tri le them into a discourse o some ine !orkmanship o bone$lace, then immediately put his hand into their bosom, asking them, *nd this !ork, is it o Flanders, or o (ainaultK and then dre! out his handkerchie , and said, (old, hold, look !hat !ork here is, it is o Foutignan or o Fontarabia, and shaking it hard at their nose, made them sneeHe or our hours !ithout ceasing. 5n the mean!hile he !ould art like a horse, and the !omen !ould laugh and say, (o! no!, do you art, PanurgeK 9o, no, madam, said he, 5 do but tune my tail to the plain song o the music !hich you make !ith your nose. 5n another he had a picklock, a pelican, a crampiron, a crook, and some other iron tools, !here!ith there !as no door nor co er !hich he !ould not pick open. (e had another ull o little cups, !here!ith he played "ery arti icially, or he had his ingers made to his hand, like those o <iner"a or *rachne, and had hereto ore cried treacle. *nd !hen he changed a teston, cardecu, or any other piece o money, the changer had been more subtle than a o? i Panurge had not at e"ery time made i"e or si? sols @that is, some si? or

se"en pence,D "anish a!ay in"isibly, openly, and mani estly, !ithout making any hurt or lesion, !hereo the changer should ha"e elt nothing but the !ind.

Chapter -.I=55. (o! Panurge gained the pardons, and married the old !omen, and o the suit in la! !hich he had at Paris. 'ne day 5 ound Panurge "ery much out o countenance, melancholic, and silentE !hich made me suspect that he had no moneyE !hereupon 5 said unto him, Panurge, you are sick, as 5 do "ery !ell percei"e by your physiognomy, and 5 kno! the disease. #ou ha"e a lu? in your purseE but take no care. 5 ha"e yet se"enpence hal penny that ne"er sa! ather nor mother, !hich shall not be !anting, no more than the po?, in your necessity. ;hereunto he ans!ered me, ;ell, !ellE or money one day 5 shall ha"e but too much, or 5 ha"e a philosopher's stone !hich attracts money out o men's purses as the adamant doth iron. But !ill you go !ith me to gain the pardonsK said he. By my aith, said 5, 5 am no great pardon$taker in this !orld$$i 5 shall be any such in the other, 5 cannot tellE yet let us go, in God's nameE it is but one arthing more or lessE But, said he, lend me then a arthing upon interest. 9o, no, said 5E 5 !ill gi"e it you reely, and rom my heart. Grates "obis dominos, said he. +o !e !ent along, beginning at +t. Ger"ase, and 5 got the pardons at the irst bo? only, or in those matters "ery little contenteth me. Then did 5 say my small su rages and the prayers o +t. BrigidE but he gained them all at the bo?es, and al!ays ga"e money to e"eryone o the pardoners. From thence !e !ent to 'ur %ady's Church, to +t. 7ohn's, to +t. *nthony's, and so to the other churches, !here there !as a ban>uet @bankD o pardons. For my part, 5 gained no more o them, but he at all the bo?es kissed the relics, and ga"e at e"eryone. To be brie , !hen !e !ere returned, he brought me to drink at the castle$ta"ern, and there sho!ed me ten or t!el"e o his little bags ull o money, at !hich 5 blessed mysel , and made the sign o the cross, saying, ;here ha"e you reco"ered so much money in so little timeK 8nto !hich he ans!ered me that he had taken it out o the basins o the pardons. For in gi"ing them the irst arthing, said he, 5 put it in !ith such sleight o hand and so de?terously that it appeared to be a threepenceE thus !ith one hand 5 took threepence, ninepence, or si?pence at the least, and !ith the other as much, and so through all the churches !here !e ha"e been. #ea but, said 5, you damn yoursel like a snake, and are !ithal a thie and sacrilegious person. True, said he, in your opinion, but 5 am not o that mindE or the pardoners do gi"e me it, !hen they say unto me in presenting the relics to kiss, Centuplum accipies, that is, that or one penny 5 should take a hundredE or accipies is spoken according to the manner o the (ebre!s, !ho use the uture tense instead o the imperati"e, as you ha"e in the la!, )iliges )ominum, that is, )ilige. 1"en so, !hen the pardon$bearer says to me, Centuplum accipies, his meaning is, Centuplum accipeE and so doth Rabbi :imy and Rabbi *ben 1Hra e?pound it, and all the <assorets, et ibi Bartholus. <oreo"er, Pope +i?tus ga"e me i teen hundred rancs o yearly pension, !hich in 1nglish money is a hundred and i ty pounds, upon his ecclesiastical re"enues and treasure, or ha"ing cured him o a cankerous botch, !hich did so torment him that he thought to ha"e been a cripple by it all his li e. Thus 5 do pay mysel at my o!n hand, or other!ise 5 get nothing upon the said ecclesiastical

treasure. (o, my riendL said he, i thou didst kno! !hat ad"antage 5 made, and ho! !ell 5 eathered my nest, by the Pope's bull o the crusade, thou !ouldst !onder e?ceedingly. 5t !as !orth to me abo"e si? thousand lorins, in 1nglish coin si? hundred pounds. *nd !hat a de"il is become o themK said 5E or o that money thou hast not one hal penny. They returned rom !hence they came, said heE they did no more but change their master. But 5 employed at least three thousand o them, that is, three hundred pounds 1nglish, in marrying$$not young "irgins, or they ind but too many husbands$$but great old sempiternous trots !hich had not so much as one tooth in their headsE and that out o the consideration 5 had that these good old !omen had "ery !ell spent the time o their youth in playing at the close$buttock game to all comers, ser"ing the oremost irst, till no man !ould ha"e any more dealing !ith them. *nd, by G$$, 5 !ill ha"e their skin$coat shaken once yet be ore they die. By this means, to one 5 ga"e a hundred lorins, to another si? score, to another three hundred, according to that they !ere in amous, detestable, and abominable. For, by ho! much the more horrible and e?ecrable they !ere, so much the more must 5 needs ha"e gi"en them, other!ise the de"il !ould not ha"e jummed them. Presently 5 !ent to some great and at !ood$porter, or such like, and did mysel make the match. But, be ore 5 did sho! him the old hags, 5 made a air muster to him o the cro!ns, saying, Good ello!, see !hat 5 !ill gi"e thee i thou !ilt but condescend to du le, din redaille, or lecher it one good time. Then began the poor rogues to gape like old mules, and 5 caused to be pro"ided or them a ban>uet, !ith drink o the best, and store o spiceries, to put the old !omen in rut and heat o lust. To be short, they occupied all, like good soulsE only, to those that !ere horribly ugly and ill$ a"oured, 5 caused their head to be put !ithin a bag, to hide their ace. Besides all this, 5 ha"e lost a great deal in suits o la!. *nd !hat la!suits couldst thou ha"eK said 5E thou hast neither house nor lands. <y riend, said he, the gentle!omen o this city had ound out, by the instigation o the de"il o hell, a manner o high$mounted bands and neckerchie s or !omen, !hich did so closely co"er their bosoms that men could no more put their hands under. For they had put the slit behind, and those neckcloths !ere !holly shut be ore, !hereat the poor sad contemplati"e lo"ers !ere much discontented. 8pon a air Tuesday 5 presented a petition to the court, making mysel a party against the said gentle!omen, and sho!ing the great interest that 5 pretended therein, protesting that by the same reason 5 !ould cause the codpiece o my breeches to be se!ed behind, i the court !ould not take order or it. 5n sum, the gentle!omen put in their de ences, sho!ing the grounds they !ent upon, and constituted their attorney or the prosecuting o the cause. But 5 pursued them so "igorously, that by a sentence o the court it !as decreed those high neckcloths should be no longer !orn i they !ere not a little cle t and open be oreE but it cost me a good sum o money. 5 had another "ery ilthy and beastly process against the dung$ armer called <aster Fi i and his deputies, that they should no more read pri"ily the pipe, puncheon, nor >uart o sentences, but in air ull day, and that in the Fodder schools, in ace o the *rrian @*rtitianD sophisters, !here 5 !as ordained to pay the charges, by reason o some clause mistaken in the relation o the sergeant. *nother time 5 ramed a complaint to the court against the mules o the presidents, counsellors, and others, tending to this purpose, that, !hen in the lo!er court o the palace they le t them to champ on their bridles, some bibs !ere made or them @by the counsellors' !i"esD, that !ith their dri"elling they might not spoil the pa"ementE to

the end that the pages o the palace !hat play upon it !ith their dice, or at the game o co?body, at their o!n ease, !ithout spoiling their breeches at the knees. *nd or this 5 had a air decree, but it cost me dear. 9o! reckon up !hat e?pense 5 !as at in little ban>uets !hich rom day to day 5 made to the pages o the palace. *nd to !hat endK said 5. <y riend, said he, thou hast no pastime at all in this !orld. 5 ha"e more than the king, and i thou !ilt join thysel !ith me, !e !ill do the de"il together. 9o, no, said 5E by +t. *dauras, that !ill 5 not, or thou !ilt be hanged one time or another. *nd thou, said he, !ilt be interred some time or other. 9o! !hich is most honourable, the air or the earthK (o, grosse pecoreL ;hilst the pages are at their ban>ueting, 5 keep their mules, and to someone 5 cut the stirrup$leather o the mounting side till it hang but by a thin strap or thread, that !hen the great pu guts o the counsellor or some other hath taken his s!ing to get up, he may all lat on his side like a pork, and so urnish the spectators !ith more than a hundred rancs' !orth o laughter. But 5 laugh yet urther to think ho! at his home$coming the master$page is to be !hipped like green rye, !hich makes me not to repent !hat 5 ha"e besto!ed in easting them. 5n brie , he had, as 5 said be ore, three score and three !ays to ac>uire money, but he had t!o hundred and ourteen to spend it, besides his drinking.

Chapter -.I=555. (o! a great scholar o 1ngland !ould ha"e argued against Pantagruel, and !as o"ercome by Panurge. 5n that same time a certain learned man named Thaumast, hearing the ame and reno!n o Pantagruel's incomparable kno!ledge, came out o his o!n country o 1ngland !ith an intent only to see him, to try thereby and pro"e !hether his kno!ledge in e ect !as so great as it !as reported to be. 5n this resolution being arri"ed at Paris, he !ent orth!ith unto the house o the said Pantagruel, !ho !as lodged in the palace o +t. )enis, and !as then !alking in the garden thereo !ith Panurge, philosophiHing a ter the ashion o the Peripatetics. *t his irst entrance he startled, and !as almost out o his !its or ear, seeing him so great and so tall. Then did he salute him courteously as the manner is, and said unto him, =ery true it is, saith Plato the prince o philosophers, that i the image and kno!ledge o !isdom !ere corporeal and "isible to the eyes o mortals, it !ould stir up all the !orld to admire her. ;hich !e may the rather belie"e that the "ery bare report thereo , scattered in the air, i it happen to be recei"ed into the ears o men, !ho, or being studious and lo"ers o "irtuous things are called philosophers, doth not su er them to sleep nor rest in >uiet, but so pricketh them up and sets them on ire to run unto the place !here the person is, in !hom the said kno!ledge is said to ha"e built her temple and uttered her oracles. *s it !as mani estly sho!n unto us in the Jueen o +heba, !ho came rom the utmost borders o the 1ast and Persian +ea, to see the order o +olomon's house and to hear his !isdomE in *nacharsis, !ho came out o +cythia, e"en unto *thens, to see +olonE in Pythagoras, !ho tra"elled ar to "isit the memphitical "aticinatorsE in Plato, !ho !ent a great !ay o to see the magicians o 1gypt, and *rchitus o TarentumE in *pollonius Tyaneus, !ho !ent as ar as unto <ount Caucasus, passed along the +cythians, the <assagetes, the 5ndians, and sailed o"er the great ri"er Phison, e"en to the Brachmans to see (iarchusE as like!ise unto Babylon, Chaldea, <edia, *ssyria, Parthia, +yria, Phoenicia, *rabia, Palestina, and

*le?andria, e"en unto *ethiopia, to see the Gymnosophists. The like e?ample ha"e !e o Titus %i"ius, !hom to see and hear di"ers studious persons came to Rome rom the con ines o France and +pain. 5 dare not reckon mysel in the number o those so e?cellent persons, but !ell !ould be called studious, and a lo"er, not only o learning, but o learned men also. *nd indeed, ha"ing heard the report o your so inestimable kno!ledge, 5 ha"e le t my country, my riends, my kindred, and my house, and am come thus ar, "aluing at nothing the length o the !ay, the tediousness o the sea, nor strangeness o the land, and that only to see you and to con er !ith you about some passages in philosophy, o geomancy, and o the cabalistic art, !hereo 5 am doubt ul and cannot satis y my mindE !hich i you can resol"e, 5 yield mysel unto you or a sla"e hence or!ard, together !ith all my posterity, or other gi t ha"e 5 none that 5 can esteem a recompense su icient or so great a a"our. 5 !ill reduce them into !riting, and to$morro! publish them to all the learned men in the city, that !e may dispute publicly be ore them. But see in !hat manner 5 mean that !e shall dispute. 5 !ill not argue pro et contra, as do the sottish sophisters o this to!n and other places. %ike!ise 5 !ill not dispute a ter the manner o the *cademics by declamationE nor yet by numbers, as Pythagoras !as !ont to do, and as Picus de la <irandula did o late at Rome. But 5 !ill dispute by signs only !ithout speaking, or the matters are so abstruse, hard, and arduous, that !ords proceeding rom the mouth o man !ill ne"er be su icient or un olding o them to my liking. <ay it, there ore, please your magni icence to be thereE it shall be at the great hall o 9a"arre at se"en o'clock in the morning. ;hen he had spoken these !ords, Pantagruel "ery honourably said unto him& +ir, o the graces that God hath besto!ed upon me, 5 !ould not deny to communicate unto any man to my po!er. For !hate"er comes rom him is good, and his pleasure is that it should be increased !hen !e come amongst men !orthy and it to recei"e this celestial manna o honest literature. 5n !hich number, because that in this time, as 5 do already "ery plainly percei"e, thou holdest the irst rank, 5 gi"e thee notice that at all hours thou shalt ind me ready to condescend to e"ery one o thy re>uests according to my poor abilityE although 5 ought rather to learn o thee than thou o me. But, as thou hast protested, !e !ill con er o these doubts together, and !ill seek out the resolution, e"en unto the bottom o that undrainable !ell !here (eraclitus says the truth lies hidden. *nd 5 do highly commend the manner o arguing !hich thou hast proposed, to !it, by signs !ithout speakingE or by this means thou and 5 shall understand one another !ell enough, and yet shall be ree rom this clapping o hands !hich these blockish sophisters make !hen any o the arguers hath gotten the better o the argument. 9o! to$morro! 5 !ill not ail to meet thee at the place and hour that thou hast appointed, but let me entreat thee that there be not any stri e or uproar bet!een us, and that !e seek not the honour and applause o men, but the truth only. To !hich Thaumast ans!ered& The %ord God maintain you in his a"our and grace, and, instead o my thank ulness to you, pour do!n his blessings upon you, or that your highness and magni icent greatness hath not disdained to descend to the grant o the re>uest o my poor baseness. +o are!ell till to$morro!L Fare!ell, said Pantagruel. Gentlemen, you that read this present discourse, think not that e"er men !ere more ele"ated and transported in their thoughts than all this night !ere both Thaumast and PantagruelE or the said Thaumast said to the keeper o the house o Cluny, !here he !as lodged, that in all his li e he had ne"er kno!n himsel so dry as he !as that night. 5 think, said he, that

Pantagruel held me by the throat. Gi"e order, 5 pray you, that !e may ha"e some drink, and see that some resh !ater be brought to us, to gargle my palate. 'n the other side, Pantagruel stretched his !its as high as he could, entering into "ery deep and serious meditations, and did nothing all that night but dote upon and turn o"er the book o Beda, )e numeris et signisE Plotin's book, )e inenarrabilibusE the book o Proclus, )e magiaE the book o *rtemidorus peri 'neirokritikonE o *na?agoras, peri OemeionE )inarius, peri *phatonE the books o PhilistonE (ippona?, peri *nekphoneton, and a rabble o others, so long, that Panurge said unto him& <y lord, lea"e all these thoughts and go to bedE or 5 percei"e your spirits to be so troubled by a too intensi"e bending o them, that you may easily all into some >uotidian e"er !ith this so e?cessi"e thinking and plodding. But, ha"ing irst drunk i"e and t!enty or thirty good draughts, retire yoursel and sleep your ill, or in the morning 5 !ill argue against and ans!er my master the 1nglishman, and i 5 dri"e him not ad metam non lo>ui, then call me kna"e. #ea but, said he, my riend Panurge, he is mar"ellously learnedE ho! !ilt thou be able to ans!er himK =ery !ell, ans!ered PanurgeE 5 pray you talk no more o it, but let me alone. 5s any man so learned as the de"ils areK 9o, indeed, said Pantagruel, !ithout God's especial grace. #et or all that, said Panurge, 5 ha"e argued against them, gra"elled and blanked them in disputation, and laid them so s>uat upon their tails that 5 ha"e made them look like monkeys. There ore be assured that to$morro! 5 !ill make this "ain$glorious 1nglishman to skite "inegar be ore all the !orld. +o Panurge spent the night !ith tippling amongst the pages, and played a!ay all the points o his breeches at primus secundus and at peck point, in French called %a =ergette. #et, !hen the condescended on time !as come, he ailed not to conduct his master Pantagruel to the appointed place, unto !hich, belie"e me, there !as neither great nor small in Paris but came, thinking !ith themsel"es that this de"ilish Pantagruel, !ho had o"erthro!n and "an>uished in dispute all these doting resh$!ater sophisters, !ould no! get ull payment and be tickled to some purpose. For this 1nglishman is a terrible bustler and horrible coil$keeper. ;e !ill see !ho !ill be con>ueror, or he ne"er met !ith his match be ore. Thus all being assembled, Thaumast stayed or them, and then, !hen Pantagruel and Panurge came into the hall, all the schoolboys, pro essors o arts, senior sophisters, and bachelors began to clap their hands, as their scur"y custom is. But Pantagruel cried out !ith a loud "oice, as i it had been the sound o a double cannon, saying, Peace, !ith a de"il to you, peaceL By G$$, you rogues, i you trouble me here, 5 !ill cut o the heads o e"eryone o you. *t !hich !ords they remained all daunted and astonished like so many ducks, and durst not do so much as cough, although they had s!allo!ed i teen pounds o eathers. ;ithal they gre! so dry !ith this only "oice, that they laid out their tongues a ull hal oot beyond their mouths, as i Pantagruel had salted all their throats. Then began Panurge to speak, saying to the 1nglishman, +ir, are you come hither to dispute contentiously in those propositions you ha"e set do!n, or, other!ise, but to learn and kno! the truthK To !hich ans!ered Thaumast, +ir, no other thing brought me hither but the great desire 5 had to learn and to kno! that o !hich 5 ha"e doubted all my li e long, and ha"e neither ound book nor man able to content me in the resolution o those doubts !hich 5 ha"e proposed. *nd, as or disputing contentiously, 5 !ill not do it, or it is too base a thing, and there ore lea"e it to those sottish sophisters !ho in their disputes do not search or the truth, but or contradiction only and debate. Then said Panurge, 5 5, !ho am but a mean

and inconsiderable disciple o my master my lord Pantagruel, content and satis y you in all and e"erything, it !ere a thing belo! my said master !here!ith to trouble him. There ore is it itter that he be chairman, and sit as a judge and moderator o our discourse and purpose, and gi"e you satis action in many things !herein perhaps 5 shall be !anting to your e?pectation. Truly, said Thaumast, it is "ery !ell saidE begin then. 9o! you must note that Panurge had set at the end o his long codpiece a pretty tu t o red silk, as also o !hite, green, and blue, and !ithin it had put a air orange.

Chapter -.I5I. (o! Panurge put to a nonplus the 1nglishman that argued by signs. 1"erybody then taking heed, and hearkening !ith great silence, the 1nglishman li t up on high into the air his t!o hands se"erally, clunching in all the tops o his ingers together, a ter the manner !hich, a la Chinonnese, they call the hen's arse, and struck the one hand on the other by the nails our se"eral times. Then he, opening them, struck the one !ith the lat o the other till it yielded a clashing noise, and that only once. *gain, in joining them as be ore, he struck t!ice, and a ter!ards our times in opening them. Then did he lay them joined, and e?tended the one to!ards the other, as i he had been de"outly to send up his prayers unto God. Panurge suddenly li ted up in the air his right hand, and put the thumb thereo into the nostril o the same side, holding his our ingers straight out, and closed orderly in a parallel line to the point o his nose, shutting the le t eye !holly, and making the other !ink !ith a pro ound depression o the eyebro!s and eyelids. Then li ted he up his le t hand, !ith hard !ringing and stretching orth his our ingers and ele"ating his thumb, !hich he held in a line directly correspondent to the situation o his right hand, !ith the distance o a cubit and a hal bet!een them. This done, in the same orm he abased to!ards the ground about the one and the other hand. %astly, he held them in the midst, as aiming right at the 1nglishman's nose. *nd i <ercury,$$said the 1nglishman. There Panurge interrupted him, and said, #ou ha"e spoken, <ask. Then made the 1nglishman this sign. (is le t hand all open he li ted up into the air, then instantly shut into his ist the our ingers thereo , and his thumb e?tended at length he placed upon the gristle o his nose. Presently a ter, he li ted up his right hand all open, and all open abased and bent it do!n!ards, putting the thumb thereo in the "ery place !here the little inger o the le t hand did close in the ist, and the our right$hand ingers he so tly mo"ed in the air. Then contrarily he did !ith the right hand !hat he had done !ith the le t, and !ith the le t !hat he had done !ith the right. Panurge, being not a !hit amaHed at this, dre! out into the air his trismegist codpiece !ith the le t hand, and !ith his right dre! orth a truncheon o a !hite o?$rib, and t!o pieces o !ood o a like orm, one o black ebony and the other o incarnation brasil, and put them bet!i?t the ingers o that hand in good symmetryE then, knocking them together, made such a noise as the lepers o Brittany use to do !ith their clappering clickets, yet better resounding and ar more harmonious, and !ith his tongue contracted in his mouth did "ery merrily !arble it, al!ays looking

i?edly upon the 1nglishman. The di"ines, physicians, and chirurgeons that !ere there thought that by this sign he !ould ha"e in erred that the 1nglishman !as a leper. The counsellors, la!yers, and decretalists concei"ed that by doing this he !ould ha"e concluded some kind o mortal elicity to consist in leprosy, as the %ord maintained hereto ore. The 1nglishman or all this !as nothing daunted, but holding up his t!o hands in the air, kept them in such orm that he closed the three master$ ingers in his ist, and passing his thumbs through his indical or oremost and middle ingers, his auriculary or little ingers remained e?tended and stretched out, and so presented he them to Panurge. Then joined he them so that the right thumb touched the le t, and the le t little inger touched the right. (ereat Panurge, !ithout speaking one !ord, li t up his hands and made this sign. (e put the nail o the ore inger o his le t hand to the nail o the thumb o the same, making in the middle o the distance as it !ere a buckle, and o his right hand shut up all the ingers into his ist, e?cept the ore inger, !hich he o ten thrust in and out through the said t!o others o the le t hand. Then stretched he out the ore inger and middle inger or medical o his right hand, holding them asunder as much as he could, and thrusting them to!ards Thaumast. Then did he put the thumb o his le t hand upon the corner o his le t eye, stretching out all his hand like the !ing o a bird or the in o a ish, and mo"ing it "ery daintily this !ay and that !ay, he did as much !ith his right hand upon the corner o his right eye. Thaumast began then to !a? some!hat pale, and to tremble, and made him this sign. ;ith the middle inger o his right hand he struck against the muscle o the palm or pulp !hich is under the thumb. Then put he the ore inger o the right hand in the like buckle o the le t, but he put it under, and not o"er, as Panurge did. Then Panurge knocked one hand against another, and blo!ed in his palm, and put again the ore inger o his right hand into the o"erture or mouth o the le t, pulling it o ten in and out. Then held he out his chin, most intenti"ely looking upon Thaumast. The people there, !hich understood nothing in the other signs, kne! "ery !ell that therein he demanded, !ithout speaking a !ord to Thaumast, ;hat do you mean by thatK 5n e ect, Thaumast then began to s!eat great drops, and seemed to all the spectators a man strangely ra"ished in high contemplation. Then he bethought himsel , and put all the nails o his le t hand against those o his right, opening his ingers as i they had been semicircles, and !ith this sign li t up his hands as high as he could. ;hereupon Panurge presently put the thumb o his right hand under his ja!s, and the little inger thereo in the mouth o the le t hand, and in this posture made his teeth to sound "ery melodiously, the upper against the lo!er. ;ith this Thaumast, !ith great toil and "e?ation o spirit, rose up, but in rising let a great baker's art, or the bran came a ter, and pissing !ithal "ery strong "inegar, stunk like all the de"ils in hell. The company began to stop their nosesE or he had conskited himsel !ith mere anguish and perple?ity. Then li ted he up his right hand, clunching it in such sort that he brought the ends o all his ingers to meet together, and his le t hand he laid lat upon his breast. ;hereat Panurge dre! out his long codpiece !ith his tu , and stretched it orth a cubit and a hal , holding it in the air !ith his right hand, and !ith his le t took out his orange, and, casting it up into the air se"en times, at the eighth he hid it in the ist o his right hand, holding it steadily up on high, and then began to shake his air codpiece, sho!ing it to Thaumast.

* ter that, Thaumast began to pu up his t!o cheeks like a player on a bagpipe, and ble! as i he had been to pu up a pig's bladder. ;hereupon Panurge put one inger o his le t hand in his nockandro!, by some called +t. Patrick's hole, and !ith his mouth sucked in the air, in such a manner as !hen one eats oysters in the shell, or !hen !e sup up our broth. This done, he opened his mouth some!hat, and struck his right hand lat upon it, making there!ith a great and a deep sound, as i it came rom the super icies o the midri through the trachiartery or pipe o the lungs, and this he did or si?teen timesE but Thaumast did al!ays keep blo!ing like a goose. Then Panurge put the ore inger o his right hand into his mouth, pressing it "ery hard to the muscles thereo E then he dre! it out, and !ithal made a great noise, as !hen little boys shoot pellets out o the pot$cannons made o the hollo! sticks o the branch o an alder$tree, and he did it nine times. Then Thaumast cried out, (a, my masters, a great secretL ;ith this he put in his hand up to the elbo!, then dre! out a dagger that he had, holding it by the point do!n!ards. ;hereat Panurge took his long codpiece, and shook it as hard as he could against his thighsE then put his t!o hands ent!ined in manner o a comb upon his head, laying out his tongue as ar as he !as able, and turning his eyes in his head like a goat that is ready to die. (a, 5 understand, said Thaumast, but !hatK making such a sign that he put the ha t o his dagger against his breast, and upon the point thereo the lat o his hand, turning in a little the ends o his ingers. ;hereat Panurge held do!n his head on the le t side, and put his middle inger into his right ear, holding up his thumb bolt upright. Then he crossed his t!o arms upon his breast and coughed i"e times, and at the i th time he struck his right oot against the ground. Then he li t up his le t arm, and closing all his ingers into his ist, held his thumb against his orehead, striking !ith his right hand si? times against his breast. But Thaumast, as not content there!ith, put the thumb o his le t hand upon the top o his nose, shutting the rest o his said hand, !hereupon Panurge set his t!o master$ ingers upon each side o his mouth, dra!ing it as much as he !as able, and !idening it so that he sho!ed all his teeth, and !ith his t!o thumbs plucked do!n his t!o eyelids "ery lo!, making there!ith a "ery ill$ a"oured countenance, as it seemed to the company.

Chapter -.II. (o! Thaumast relateth the "irtues and kno!ledge o Panurge. Then Panurge rose up, and, putting o his cap, did "ery kindly thank the said Panurge, and !ith a loud "oice said unto all the people that !ere there& <y lords, gentlemen, and others, at this time may 5 to some good purpose speak that e"angelical !ord, 1t ecce plus >uam +alomon hicL #ou ha"e here in your presence an incomparable treasure, that is, my lord Pantagruel, !hose great reno!n hath brought me hither, out o the "ery heart o 1ngland, to con er !ith him about the insoluble problems, both in magic, alchemy, the cabal, geomancy, astrology, and philosophy, !hich 5 had in my mind. But at present 5 am angry e"en !ith ame itsel , !hich 5 think !as en"ious to him, or that it did not declare the thousandth part o the !orth that indeed is in him. #ou ha"e seen ho! his disciple only hath satis ied me, and hath told me more than 5 asked o him. Besides, he hath opened unto me, and resol"ed other inestimable doubts, !herein 5 can assure

you he hath to me disco"ered the "ery true !ell, ountain, and abyss o the encyclopaedia o learningE yea, in such a sort that 5 did not think 5 should e"er ha"e ound a man that could ha"e made his skill appear in so much as the irst elements o that concerning !hich !e disputed by signs, !ithout speaking either !ord or hal !ord. But, in ine, 5 !ill reduce into !riting that !hich !e ha"e said and concluded, that the !orld may not take them to be ooleries, and !ill therea ter cause them to be printed, that e"eryone may learn as 5 ha"e done. 7udge, then, !hat the master had been able to say, seeing the disciple hath done so "aliantlyE or, 9on est discipulus super magistrum. (o!soe"er, God be praisedL and 5 do "ery humbly thank you or the honour that you ha"e done us at this act. God re!ard you or it eternallyL The like thanks ga"e Pantagruel to all the company, and, going rom thence, he carried Thaumast to dinner !ith him, and belie"e that they drank as much as their skins could hold, or, as the phrase is, !ith unbuttoned bellies @ or in that age they made ast their bellies !ith buttons, as !e do no! the collars o our doublets or jerkinsD, e"en till they neither kne! !here they !ere nor !hence they came. Blessed %ady, ho! they did carouse it, and pluck, as !e say, at the kid's leatherL *nd lagons to trot, and they to toot, )ra!E gi"e, page, some !ine hereE reach hitherE ill !ith a de"il, soL There !as not one but did drink i"e and t!enty or thirty pipes. Can you tell ho!K 1"en sicut terra sine a>uaE or the !eather !as hot, and, besides that, they !ere "ery dry. 5n matter o the e?position o the propositions set do!n by Thaumast, and the signi ication o the signs !hich they used in their disputation, 5 !ould ha"e set them do!n or you according to their o!n relation, but 5 ha"e been told that Thaumast made a great book o it, imprinted at %ondon, !herein he hath set do!n all, !ithout omitting anything, and there ore at this time 5 do pass by it.

Chapter -.II5. (o! Panurge !as in lo"e !ith a lady o Paris. Panurge began to be in great reputation in the city o Paris by means o this disputation !herein he pre"ailed against the 1nglishman, and rom thence orth made his codpiece to be "ery use ul to him. To !hich e ect he had it pinked !ith pretty little embroideries a ter the Romanesca ashion. *nd the !orld did praise him publicly, in so ar that there !as a song made o him, !hich little children did use to sing !hen they !ere to etch mustard. (e !as !ithal made !elcome in all companies o ladies and gentle!omen, so that at last he became presumptuous, and !ent about to bring to his lure one o the greatest ladies in the city. *nd, indeed, lea"ing a rabble o long prologues and protestations, !hich ordinarily these dolent contemplati"e lent$lo"ers make !ho ne"er meddle !ith the lesh, one day he said unto her, <adam, it !ould be a "ery great bene it to the common!ealth, delight ul to you, honourable to your progeny, and necessary or me, that 5 co"er you or the propagating o my race, and belie"e it, or e?perience !ill teach it you. The lady at this !ord thrust him back abo"e a hundred leagues, saying, #ou mischie"ous ool, is it or you to talk thus unto meK ;hom do you think you ha"e in handK Begone, ne"er to come in my sight againE or, i one thing !ere not, 5 !ould ha"e your legs and arms cut o . ;ell, said he, that !ere all one to me, to !ant both legs and arms, pro"ided you and 5 had but one merry bout together at the brangle$buttock gameE or here!ithin is$$in sho!ing her his long codpiece$$<aster 7ohn Thursday, !ho !ill play you such an antic that you

shall eel the s!eetness thereo e"en to the "ery marro! o your bones. (e is a gallant, and doth so !ell kno! ho! to ind out all the corners, creeks, and ingrained inmates in your carnal trap, that a ter him there needs no broom, he'll s!eep so !ell be ore, and lea"e nothing to his ollo!ers to !ork upon. ;hereunto the lady ans!ered, Go, "illain, go. 5 you speak to me one such !ord more, 5 !ill cry out and make you to be knocked do!n !ith blo!s. (a, said he, you are not so bad as you say$$no, or else 5 am decei"ed in your physiognomy. For sooner shall the earth mount up unto the hea"ens, and the highest hea"ens descend unto the hells, and all the course o nature be >uite per"erted, than that in so great beauty and neatness as in you is there should be one drop o gall or malice. They say, indeed, that hardly shall a man e"er see a air !oman that is not also stubborn. #et that is spoke only o those "ulgar beautiesE but yours is so e?cellent, so singular, and so hea"enly, that 5 belie"e nature hath gi"en it you as a paragon and masterpiece o her art, to make us kno! !hat she can do !hen she !ill employ all her skill and all her po!er. There is nothing in you but honey, but sugar, but a s!eet and celestial manna. To you it !as to !hom Paris ought to ha"e adjudged the golden apple, not to =enus, no, nor to 7uno, nor to <iner"a, or ne"er !as there so much magni icence in 7uno, so much !isdom in <iner"a, nor so much comeliness in =enus as there is in you. ' hea"enly gods and goddessesL (o! happy shall that man be to !hom you !ill grant the a"our to embrace her, to kiss her, and to rub his bacon !ith hersL By G$$, that shall be 5, 5 kno! it !ellE or she lo"es me already her belly ul, 5 am sure o it, and so !as 5 predestinated to it by the airies. *nd there ore, that !e lose no time, put on, thrust out your gammonsL$$and !ould ha"e embraced her, but she made as i she !ould put out her head at the !indo! to call her neighbours or help. Then Panurge on a sudden ran out, and in his running a!ay said, <adam, stay here till 5 come againE 5 !ill go call them mysel E do not you take so much pains. Thus !ent he a!ay, not much caring or the repulse he had got, nor made he any !hit the !orse cheer or it. The ne?t day he came to the church at the time she !ent to mass. *t the door he ga"e her some o the holy !ater, bo!ing himsel "ery lo! be ore her. * ter!ards he kneeled do!n by her "ery amiliarly and said unto her, <adam, kno! that 5 am so amorous o you that 5 can neither piss nor dung or lo"e. 5 do not kno!, lady, !hat you mean, but i 5 should take any hurt by it, ho! much you !ould be to blameL Go, said she, goL 5 do not careE let me alone to say my prayers. *y but, said he, e>ui"ocate upon this& a beau mont le "iconte, or, to air mount the prick$cunts. 5 cannot, said she. 5t is, said he, a beau con le "it monte, or to a air c. . .the pr. . .mounts. *nd upon this, pray to God to gi"e you that !hich your noble heart desireth, and 5 pray you gi"e me these paternosters. Take them, said she, and trouble me no longer. This done, she !ould ha"e taken o her paternosters, !hich !ere made o a kind o yello! stone called cestrin, and adorned !ith great spots o gold, but Panurge nimbly dre! out one o his kni"es, !here!ith he cut them o "ery handsomely, and !hilst he !as going a!ay to carry them to the brokers, he said to her, ;ill you ha"e my kni eK 9o, no, said she. But, said he, to the purpose. 5 am at your commandment, body and goods, tripes and bo!els. 5n the meantime the lady !as not "ery !ell content !ith the !ant o her paternosters, or they !ere one o her implements to keep her countenance by in the churchE then thought !ith hersel , This bold louting roister is some giddy, antastical, light$headed ool o a strange country. 5 shall ne"er reco"er my paternosters again. ;hat !ill my husband sayK (e !ill no doubt be angry !ith me. But 5 !ill tell him that a thie hath cut them o rom my hands in the church, !hich he !ill easily belie"e, seeing the end

o the ribbon le t at my girdle. * ter dinner Panurge !ent to see her, carrying in his slee"e a great purse ull o palace$cro!ns, called counters, and began to say unto her, ;hich o us t!o lo"eth other best, you me, or 5 youK ;hereunto she ans!ered, *s or me, 5 do not hate youE or, as God commands, 5 lo"e all the !orld. But to the purpose, said heE are not you in lo"e !ith meK 5 ha"e, said she, told you so many times already that you should talk so no more to me, and i you speak o it again 5 !ill teach you that 5 am not one to be talked unto dishonestly. Get you hence packing, and deli"er me my paternosters, that my husband may not ask me or them. (o! no!, madam, said he, your paternostersK 9ay, by mine oath, 5 !ill not do so, but 5 !ill gi"e you others. (ad you rather ha"e them o gold !ell enamelled in great round knobs, or a ter the manner o lo"e$knots, or, other!ise, all massi"e, like great ingots, or i you had rather ha"e them o ebony, o jacinth, or o grained gold, !ith the marks o ine tur>uoises, or o air topaHes, marked !ith ine sapphires, or o baleu rubies, !ith great marks o diamonds o eight and t!enty s>uaresK 9o, no, all this is too little. 5 kno! a air bracelet o ine emeralds, marked !ith spotted ambergris, and at the buckle a Persian pearl as big as an orange. 5t !ill not cost abo"e i"e and t!enty thousand ducats. 5 !ill make you a present o it, or 5 ha"e ready coin enough,$$and !ithal he made a noise !ith his counters, as i they had been French cro!ns. ;ill you ha"e a piece o "el"et, either o the "iolet colour or o crimson dyed in grain, or a piece o broached or crimson satinK ;ill you ha"e chains, gold, tablets, ringsK #ou need no more but say, #esE so ar as i ty thousand ducats may reach, it is but as nothing to me. By the "irtue o !hich !ords he made the !ater come in her mouthE but she said unto him, 9o, 5 thank you, 5 !ill ha"e nothing o you. By G$$, said he, but 5 !ill ha"e some!hat o youE yet shall it be that !hich shall cost you nothing, neither shall you ha"e a jot the less !hen you ha"e gi"en it. (oldL $$sho!ing his long codpiece$$this is <aster 7ohn Good ello!, that asks or lodgingL$$and !ith that !ould ha"e embraced herE but she began to cry out, yet not "ery loud. Then Panurge put o his counter eit garb, changed his alse "isage, and said unto her, #ou !ill not then other!ise let me do a littleK * turd or youL #ou do not deser"e so much good, nor so much honourE but, by G$$, 5 !ill make the dogs ride youE$$and !ith this he ran a!ay as ast as he could, or ear o blo!s, !hereo he !as naturally ear ul.

Chapter -.II55. (o! Panurge ser"ed a Parisian lady a trick that pleased her not "ery !ell. 9o! you must note that the ne?t day !as the great esti"al o Corpus Christi, called the +acre, !herein all !omen put on their best apparel, and on that day the said lady !as clothed in a rich go!n o crimson satin, under !hich she !ore a "ery costly !hite "el"et petticoat. The day o the e"e, called the "igil, Panurge searched so long o one side and another that he ound a hot or salt bitch, !hich, !hen he had tied her !ith his girdle, he led to his chamber and ed her "ery !ell all that day and night. 5n the morning therea ter he killed her, and took that part o her !hich the Greek geomancers kno!, and cut it into se"eral small pieces

as small as he could. Then, carrying it a!ay as close as might be, he !ent to the place !here the lady !as to come along to ollo! the procession, as the custom is upon the said holy dayE and !hen she came in Panurge sprinkled some holy !ater on her, saluting her "ery courteously. Then, a little !hile a ter she had said her petty de"otions, he sat do!n close by her upon the same bench, and ga"e her this roundelay in !riting, in manner as ollo!eth. * Roundelay. For this one time, that 5 to you my lo"e )isco"ered, you did too cruel pro"e, To send me packing, hopeless, and so soon, ;ho ne"er any !rong to you had done, 5n any kind o action, !ord, or thought& +o that, i my suit liked you not, you ought T' ha"e spoke more ci"illy, and to this sense, <y riend, be pleased to depart rom hence, For this one time. ;hat hurt do 5, to !ish you to remark, ;ith a"our and compassion, ho! a spark ' your great beauty hath in lamed my heart ;ith deep a ection, and that, or my part, 5 only ask that you !ith me !ould dance The brangle gay in eats o dalliance, For this one timeK *nd, as she !as opening this paper to see !hat it !as, Panurge "ery promptly and lightly scattered the drug that he had upon her in di"ers places, but especially in the plaits o her slee"es and o her go!n. Then said he unto her, <adam, the poor lo"ers are not al!ays at ease. *s or me, 5 hope that those hea"y nights, those pains and troubles, !hich 5 su er or lo"e o you, shall be a deduction to me o so much pain in purgatoryE yet, at the least, pray to God to gi"e me patience in my misery. Panurge had no sooner spoke this but all the dogs that !ere in the church came running to this lady !ith the smell o the drugs that he had stre!ed upon her, both small and great, big and little, all came, laying out their member, smelling to her, and pissing e"ery!here upon her$$it !as the greatest "illainy in the !orld. Panurge made the ashion o dri"ing them a!ayE then took his lea"e o her and !ithdre! himsel into some chapel or oratory o the said church to see the sportE or these "illainous dogs did compiss all her habiliments, and le t none o her attire unbesprinkled !ith their stalingE insomuch that a tall greyhound pissed upon her head, others in her slee"es, others on her crupper$piece, and the little ones pissed upon her patainesE so that all the !omen that !ere round about her had much ado to sa"e her. ;hereat Panurge "ery heartily laughing, he said to one o the lords o the city, 5 belie"e that same lady is hot, or else that some greyhound hath co"ered her lately. *nd !hen he sa! that all the dogs !ere locking about her, yarring at the retardment o their access to her, and e"ery !ay keeping such a coil !ith her as they are !ont to do about a proud or salt bitch, he orth!ith departed rom thence, and !ent to call Pantagruel, not orgetting in his !ay alongst the streets through !hich he !ent, !here he ound any dogs to gi"e them a bang !ith his oot, saying, ;ill you not go !ith your ello!s to the !eddingK *!ay, hence, a"ant, a"ant, !ith a de"il a"antL *nd being come home, he said to Pantagruel, <aster, 5 pray you come and see all the dogs o the country, ho! they are

assembled about a lady, the airest in the city, and !ould du le and line her. ;hereunto Pantagruel !illingly condescended, and sa! the mystery, !hich he ound "ery pretty and strange. But the best !as at the procession, in !hich !ere seen abo"e si? hundred thousand and ourteen dogs about her, !hich did "ery much trouble and molest her, and !hithersoe"er she passed, those dogs that came a resh, tracing her ootsteps, ollo!ed her at the heels, and pissed in the !ay !here her go!n had touched. *ll the !orld stood gaHing at this spectacle, considering the countenance o those dogs, !ho, leaping up, got about her neck and spoiled all her gorgeous accoutrements, or the !hich she could ind no remedy but to retire unto her house, !hich !as a palace. Thither she !ent, and the dogs a ter herE she ran to hide hersel , but the chambermaids could not abstain rom laughing. ;hen she !as entered into the house and had shut the door upon hersel , all the dogs came running o hal a league round, and did so !ell bepiss the gate o her house that there they made a stream !ith their urine !herein a duck might ha"e "ery !ell s!immed, and it is the same current that no! runs at +t. =ictor, in !hich Gobelin dyeth scarlet, or the speci ical "irtue o these piss$dogs, as our master )oribus did hereto ore preach publicly. +o may God help you, a mill !ould ha"e ground corn !ith it. #et not so much as those o Basacle at Toulouse.

Chapter -.II555. (o! Pantagruel departed rom Paris, hearing ne!s that the )ipsodes had in"aded the land o the *maurotsE and the cause !here ore the leagues are so short in France. * little !hile a ter Pantagruel heard ne!s that his ather Gargantua had been translated into the land o the airies by <orgue, as hereto ore !ere 'gier and *rthurE as also, @5n the original edition it stands 'together, and that.'$$<.D that the report o his translation being spread abroad, the )ipsodes had issued out beyond their borders, !ith inroads had !asted a great part o 8topia, and at that "ery time had besieged the great city o the *maurots. ;hereupon departing rom Paris !ithout bidding any man are!ell, or the business re>uired diligence, he came to Rouen. 9o! Pantagruel in his journey seeing that the leagues o that little territory about Paris called France !ere "ery short in regard o those o other countries, demanded the cause and reason o it rom Panurge, !ho told him a story !hich <arotus o the %ac, monachus, set do!n in the *cts o the :ings o Canarre, saying that in old times countries !ere not distinguished into leagues, miles, urlongs, nor parasangs, until that :ing Pharamond di"ided them, !hich !as done in manner as ollo!eth. The said king chose at Paris a hundred air, gallant, lusty, brisk young men, all resolute and bold ad"enturers in Cupid's duels, together !ith a hundred comely, pretty, handsome, lo"ely and !ell$comple?ioned !enches o Picardy, all !hich he caused to be !ell entertained and highly ed or the space o eight days. Then ha"ing called or them, he deli"ered to e"ery one o the young men his !ench, !ith store o money to de ray their charges, and this injunction besides, to go unto di"ers places here and there. *nd !heresoe"er they should biscot and thrum their !enches, that, they setting a stone there, it should be accounted or a league. Thus !ent a!ay those bra"e ello!s and sprightly blades most merrily, and because they !ere resh and had been at rest, they "ery o ten jummed and an reluched almost at e"ery ield's end, and this is the cause !hy the leagues about Paris are so short. But !hen

they had gone a great !ay, and !ere no! as !eary as poor de"ils, all the oil in their lamps being almost spent, they did not chink and du le so o ten, but contented themsel"es @5 mean or the men's partD !ith one scur"y paltry bout in a day, and this is that !hich makes the leagues in Brittany, )elanes, Germany, and other more remote countries so long. 'ther men gi"e other reasons or it, but this seems to me o all other the best. To !hich Pantagruel !illingly adhered. Parting rom Rouen, they arri"ed at (on leur, !here they took shipping, Pantagruel, Panurge, 1pistemon, 1usthenes, and Carpalin. 5n !hich place, !aiting or a a"ourable !ind, and caulking their ship, he recei"ed rom a lady o Paris, !hich 5 @heD had ormerly kept and entertained a good long time, a letter directed on the outside thus, $$To the best belo"ed o the air !omen, and least loyal o the "aliant men $$P.9.T.G.R.%.

Chapter -.II5=. * letter !hich a messenger brought to Pantagruel rom a lady o Paris, together !ith the e?position o a posy !ritten in a gold ring. ;hen Pantagruel had read the superscription he !as much amaHed, and there ore demanded o the said messenger the name o her that had sent it. Then opened he the letter, and ound nothing !ritten in it, nor other!ise enclosed, but only a gold ring, !ith a s>uare table diamond. ;ondering at this, he called Panurge to him, and sho!ed him the case. ;hereupon Panurge told him that the lea o paper !as !ritten upon, but !ith such cunning and arti ice that no man could see the !riting at the irst sight. There ore, to ind it out, he set it by the ire to see i it !as made !ith sal ammoniac soaked in !ater. Then put he it into the !ater, to see i the letter !as !ritten !ith the juice o tithymalle. * ter that he held it up against the candle, to see i it !as !ritten !ith the juice o !hite onions. Then he rubbed one part o it !ith oil o nuts, to see i it !ere not !ritten !ith the lee o a ig$tree, and another part o it !ith the milk o a !oman gi"ing suck to her eldest daughter, to see i it !as !ritten !ith the blood o red toads or green earth$ rogs. * ter!ards he rubbed one corner !ith the ashes o a s!allo!'s nest, to see i it !ere not !ritten !ith the de! that is ound !ithin the herb alcakengy, called the !inter$cherry. (e rubbed, a ter that, one end !ith ear$!a?, to see i it !ere not !ritten !ith the gall o a ra"en. Then did he dip it into "inegar, to try i it !as not !ritten !ith the juice o the garden spurge. * ter that he greased it !ith the at o a bat or littermouse, to see i it !as not !ritten !ith the sperm o a !hale, !hich some call ambergris. Then put it "ery airly into a basin ul o resh !ater, and orth!ith took it out, to see !hether it !ere !ritten !ith stone$alum. But a ter all e?periments, !hen he percei"ed that he could ind out nothing, he called the messenger and asked him, Good ello!, the lady that sent thee hither, did she not gi"e thee a sta to bring !ith theeK thinking that it had been according to the conceit !hereo *ulus Gellius maketh mention. *nd the messenger ans!ered him, 9o, sir. Then Panurge !ould ha"e caused his head to be sha"en, to see !hether the lady had !ritten upon his bald pate, !ith the hard lye !hereo soap is made, that !hich she meantE but, percei"ing that his hair !as "ery long, he orbore, considering that it could not ha"e gro!n to so great a

length in so short a time. Then he said to Pantagruel, <aster, by the "irtue o G$$, 5 cannot tell !hat to do nor say in it. For, to kno! !hether there be anything !ritten upon this or no, 5 ha"e made use o a good part o that !hich <aster Francisco di 9ianto, the Tuscan, sets do!n, !ho hath !ritten the manner o reading letters that do not appearE that !hich Ooroastes published, Peri grammaton acritonE and Calphurnius Bassus, )e literis illegibilibus. But 5 can see nothing, nor do 5 belie"e that there is anything else in it than the ring. %et us, there ore, look upon it. ;hich !hen they had done, they ound this in (ebre! !ritten !ithin, %amach saba@chDthaniE !hereupon they called 1pistemon, and asked him !hat that meant. To !hich he ans!ered that they !ere (ebre! !ords, signi ying, ;here ore hast thou orsaken meK 8pon that Panurge suddenly replied, 5 kno! the mystery. )o you see this diamondK 5t is a alse one. This, then, is the e?position o that !hich the lady means, )iamant au?, that is, alse lo"er, !hy hast thou orsaken meK ;hich interpretation Pantagruel presently understood, and !ithal remembering that at his departure he had not bid the lady are!ell, he !as "ery sorry, and !ould ain ha"e returned to Paris to make his peace !ith her. But 1pistemon put him in mind o *eneas's departure rom )ido, and the saying o (eraclitus o Tarentum, That the ship being at anchor, !hen need re>uireth !e must cut the cable rather than lose time about untying o it,$$and that he should lay aside all other thoughts to succour the city o his nati"ity, !hich !as then in danger. *nd, indeed, !ithin an hour a ter that the !ind arose at the north$north$!est, !here!ith they hoist sail, and put out, e"en into the main sea, so that !ithin e! days, passing by Porto +ancto and by the <adeiras, they !ent ashore in the Canary 5slands. Parting rom thence, they passed by Capobianco, by +enege, by Capo"erde, by Gambre, by +agres, by <elli, by the Cap di Buona +peranHa, and set ashore again in the kingdom o <elinda. Parting rom thence, they sailed a!ay !ith a tramontane or northerly !ind, passing by <eden, by 8ti, by 8den, by Gelasim, by the 5sles o the Fairies, and alongst the kingdom o *chorie, till at last they arri"ed at the port o 8topia, distant rom the city o the *maurots three leagues and some!hat more. ;hen they !ere ashore, and pretty !ell re reshed, Pantagruel said, Gentlemen, the city is not ar rom henceE there ore, !ere it not amiss, be ore !e set or!ard, to ad"ise !ell !hat is to be done, that !e be not like the *thenians, !ho ne"er took counsel until a ter the actK *re you resol"ed to li"e and die !ith meK #es, sir, said they all, and be as con ident o us as o your o!n ingers. ;ell, said he, there is but one thing that keeps my mind in great doubt and suspense, !hich is this, that 5 kno! not in !hat order nor o !hat number the enemy is that layeth siege to the cityE or, i 5 !ere certain o that, 5 should go or!ard and set on !ith the better assurance. %et us there ore consult together, and bethink oursel"es by !hat means !e may come to this intelligence. ;hereunto they all said, %et us go thither and see, and stay you here or usE or this "ery day, !ithout urther respite, do !e make account to bring you a certain report thereo . <ysel , said Panurge, !ill undertake to enter into their camp, !ithin the "ery midst o their guards, unespied by their !atch, and merrily east and lecher it at their cost, !ithout being kno!n o any, to see the artillery and the tents o all the captains, and thrust mysel in !ith a gra"e and magni ic carriage amongst all their troops and companies, !ithout being disco"ered. The de"il !ould not be able to peck me out !ith all his circum"entions, or 5 am o the race o Oopyrus.

*nd 5, said 1pistemon, kno! all the plots and strategems o the "aliant captains and !arlike champions o ormer ages, together !ith all the tricks and subtleties o the art o !ar. 5 !ill go, and, though 5 be detected and re"ealed, 5 !ill escape by making them belie"e o you !hate"er 5 please, or 5 am o the race o +inon. 5, said 1usthenes, !ill enter and set upon them in their trenches, in spite o their sentries and all their guardsE or 5 !ill tread upon their bellies and break their legs and arms, yea, though they !ere e"ery !hit as strong as the de"il himsel , or 5 am o the race o (ercules. *nd 5, said Carpalin, !ill get in there i the birds can enter, or 5 am so nimble o body, and light !ithal, that 5 shall ha"e leaped o"er their trenches, and ran clean through all their camp, be ore that they percei"e meE neither do 5 ear shot, nor arro!, nor horse, ho! s!i t soe"er, !ere he the Pegasus o Perseus or Pacolet, being assured that 5 shall be able to make a sa e and sound escape be ore them all !ithout any hurt. 5 !ill undertake to !alk upon the ears o corn or grass in the meado!s, !ithout making either o them do so much as bo! under me, or 5 am o the race o Camilla the *maHon.

Chapter -.II=. (o! Panurge, Carpalin, 1usthenes, and 1pistemon, the gentlemen attendants o Pantagruel, "an>uished and discom ited si? hundred and threescore horsemen "ery cunningly. *s he !as speaking this, they percei"ed si? hundred and threescore light horsemen, gallantly mounted, !ho made an outroad thither to see !hat ship it !as that !as ne!ly arri"ed in the harbour, and came in a ull gallop to take them i they had been able. Then said Pantagruel, <y lads, retire yoursel"es unto the shipE here are some o our enemies coming apace, but 5 !ill kill them here be ore you like beasts, although they !ere ten times so manyE in the meantime, !ithdra! yoursel"es, and take your sport at it. Then ans!ered Panurge, 9o, sirE there is no reason that you should do so, but, on the contrary, retire you unto the ship, both you and the rest, or 5 alone !ill here discom it themE but !e must not lingerE come, set or!ard. ;hereunto the others said, 5t is !ell ad"ised, sirE !ithdra! yoursel , and !e !ill help Panurge here, so shall you kno! !hat !e are able to do. Then said Pantagruel, ;ell, 5 am contentE but, i that you be too !eak, 5 !ill not ail to come to your assistance. ;ith this Panurge took t!o great cables o the ship and tied them to the kemstock or capstan !hich !as on the deck to!ards the hatches, and astened them in the ground, making a long circuit, the one urther o , the other !ithin that. Then said he to 1pistemon, Go aboard the ship, and, !hen 5 gi"e you a call, turn about the capstan upon the orlop diligently, dra!ing unto you the t!o cable$ropesE and said to 1usthenes and to Carpalin, <y bullies, stay you here, and o er yoursel"es reely to your enemies. )o as they bid you, and make as i you !ould yield unto them, but take heed you come not !ithin the compass o the ropes$$be sure to keep yoursel"es ree o them. *nd presently he !ent aboard the ship, and took a bundle o stra! and a barrel o gunpo!der, stre!ed it round about the compass o the cords, and stood by !ith a brand o ire or match lighted in his hand. Presently came the horsemen !ith great ury, and the oremost ran almost home to the ship,

and, by reason o the slipperiness o the bank, they ell, they and their horses, to the number o our and ortyE !hich the rest seeing, came on, thinking that resistance had been made them at their arri"al. But Panurge said unto them, <y masters, 5 belie"e that you ha"e hurt yoursel"esE 5 pray you pardon us, or it is not our ault, but the slipperiness o the sea$!ater that is al!ays lo!ingE !e submit oursel"es to your good pleasure. +o said like!ise his t!o other ello!s, and 1pistemon that !as upon the deck. 5n the meantime Panurge !ithdre! himsel , and seeing that they !ere all !ithin the compass o the cables, and that his t!o companions !ere retired, making room or all those horses !hich came in a cro!d, thronging upon the neck o one another to see the ship and such as !ere in it, cried out on a sudden to 1pistemon, )ra!, dra!L Then began 1pistemon to !ind about the capstan, by doing !hereo the t!o cables so entangled and empestered the legs o the horses, that they !ere all o them thro!n do!n to the ground easily, together !ith their riders. But they, seeing that, dre! their s!ords, and !ould ha"e cut themE !hereupon Panurge set ire to the train, and there burnt them up all like damned souls, both men and horses, not one escaping sa"e one alone, !ho being mounted on a leet Turkey courser, by mere speed in light got himsel out o the circle o the ropes. But !hen Carpalin percei"ed him, he ran a ter him !ith such nimbleness and celerity that he o"ertook him in less than a hundred pacesE then, leaping close behind him upon the crupper o his horse, clasped him in his arms, and brought him back to the ship. This e?ploit being ended, Pantagruel !as "ery jo"ial, and !ondrously commended the industry o these gentlemen, !hom he called his ello!$soldiers, and made them re resh themsel"es and eed !ell and merrily upon the seashore, and drink heartily !ith their bellies upon the ground, and their prisoner !ith them, !hom they admitted to that amiliarityE only that the poor de"il !as some!hat a raid that Pantagruel !ould ha"e eaten him up !hole, !hich, considering the !ideness o his mouth and capacity o his throat !as no great matter or him to ha"e doneE or he could ha"e done it as easily as you !ould eat a small com it, he sho!ing no more in his throat than !ould a grain o millet$seed in the mouth o an ass.

Chapter -.II=5. (o! Pantagruel and his company !ere !eary in eating still salt meatsE and ho! Carpalin !ent a$hunting to ha"e some "enison. Thus as they talked and chatted together, Carpalin said, *nd, by the belly o +t. Juenet, shall !e ne"er eat any "enisonK This salt meat makes me horribly dry. 5 !ill go etch you a >uarter o one o those horses !hich !e ha"e burntE it is !ell roasted already. *s he !as rising up to go about it, he percei"ed under the side o a !ood a air great roebuck, !hich !as come out o his ort, as 5 concei"e, at the sight o Panurge's ire. (im did he pursue and run a ter !ith as much "igour and s!i tness as i it had been a bolt out o a crossbo!, and caught him in a momentE and !hilst he !as in his course he !ith his hands took in the air our great bustards, se"en bitterns, si? and t!enty grey partridges, t!o and thirty red$legged ones, si?teen pheasants, nine !oodcocks, nineteen herons, t!o and thirty cushats and ringdo"esE and !ith his eet killed ten or t!el"e hares and rabbits, !hich !ere then at relie and pretty big !ithal, eighteen rails in a knot together, !ith i teen young !ild$boars, t!o little bea"ers, and three great o?es. +o, striking the kid !ith his alchion ath!art the

head, he killed him, and, bearing him on his back, he in his return took up his hares, rails, and young !ild$boars, and, as ar o as he could be heard, cried out and said, Panurge, my riend, "inegar, "inegarL Then the good Pantagruel, thinking he had ainted, commanded them to pro"ide him some "inegarE but Panurge kne! !ell that there !as some good prey in hands, and orth!ith sho!ed unto noble Pantagruel ho! he !as bearing upon his back a air roebuck, and all his girdle bordered !ith hares. Then immediately did 1pistemon make, in the name o the nine <uses, nine anti>ue !ooden spits. 1usthenes did help to lay, and Panurge placed t!o great cuirassier saddles in such sort that they ser"ed or andirons, and making their prisoner to be their cook, they roasted their "enison by the ire !herein the horsemen !ere burntE and making great cheer !ith a good deal o "inegar, the de"il a one o them did orbear rom his "ictuals$$it !as a triumphant and incomparable spectacle to see ho! they ra"ened and de"oured. Then said Pantagruel, ;ould to God e"ery one o you had t!o pairs o little anthem or sacring bells hanging at your chin, and that 5 had at mine the great clocks o Rennes, o Poictiers, o Tours, and o Cambray, to see !hat a peal they !ould ring !ith the !agging o our chaps. But, said Panurge, it !ere better !e thought a little upon our business, and by !hat means !e might get the upper hand o our enemies. That is !ell remembered, said Pantagruel. There ore spoke he thus to the prisoner, <y riend, tell us here the truth, and do not lie to us at all, i thou !ouldst not be layed ali"e, or it is 5 that eat the little children. Relate unto us at ull the order, the number, and the strength o the army. To !hich the prisoner ans!ered, +ir, kno! or a truth that in the army there are three hundred giants, all armed !ith armour o proo , and !onder ul great. 9e"ertheless, not ully so great as you, e?cept one that is their head, named %oupgarou, !ho is armed rom head to oot !ith cyclopical an"ils. Furthermore, one hundred three score and three thousand oot, all armed !ith the skins o hobgoblins, strong and "aliant menE ele"en thousand our hundred men$at$arms or cuirassiersE three thousand si? hundred double cannons, and ar>uebusiers !ithout numberE our score and ourteen thousand pioneersE one hundred and i ty thousand !hores, air like goddesses$$@That is or me, said PanurgeD$$!hereo some are *maHons, some %ionnoises, others Parisiennes, Taurangelles, *nge"ines, Poicte"ines, 9ormandes, and (igh )utch$$there are o them o all countries and all languages. #ea but, said Pantagruel, is the king thereK #es, sir, said the prisonerE he is there in person, and !e call him *narchus, king o the )ipsodes, !hich is as much to say as thirsty people, or you ne"er sa! men more thirsty, nor more !illing to drink, and his tent is guarded by the giants. 5t is enough, said Pantagruel. Come, bra"e boys, are you resol"ed to go !ith meK To !hich Panurge ans!ered, God con ound him that lea"es youL 5 ha"e already bethought mysel ho! 5 !ill kill them all like pigs, and so the de"il one leg o them shall escape. But 5 am some!hat troubled about one thing. *nd !hat is thatK said Pantagruel. 5t is, said Panurge, ho! 5 shall be able to set or!ard to the justling and bragmardiHing o all the !hores that be there this a ternoon, in such sort that there escape not one unbumped by me, breasted and jummed a ter the ordinary ashion o man and !omen in the =enetian con lict. (a, ha, ha, ha, said Pantagruel. *nd Carpalin said& The de"il take these sink$holes, i , by G$$, 5 do not bumbaste some one o them. Then said 1usthenes& ;hatL shall not 5 ha"e any, !hose paces, since !e came rom Rouen, !ere ne"er so !ell !inded up as that my needle could mount to ten or ele"en o'clock, till no! that 5 ha"e it hard, sti , and strong, like a hundred de"ilsK Truly, said Panurge, thou shalt ha"e o the attest, and o those that are most plump and in the

best case. (o! no!L said 1pistemonE e"eryone shall ride, and 5 must lead the assK The de"il take him that !ill do so. ;e !ill make use o the right o !ar, Jui potest capere, capiat. 9o, no, said Panurge, but tie thine ass to a crook, and ride as the !orld doth. *nd the good Pantagruel laughed at all this, and said unto them, #ou reckon !ithout your host. 5 am much a raid that, be ore it be night, 5 shall see you in such taking that you !ill ha"e no great stomach to ride, but more like to be rode upon !ith sound blo!s o pike and lance. Baste, said 1pistemon, enough o thatL 5 !ill not ail to bring them to you, either to roast or boil, to ry or put in paste. They are not so many in number as !ere in the army o Ier?es, or he had thirty hundred thousand ighting$men, i you !ill belie"e (erodotus and Trogus Pompeius, and yet Themistocles !ith a e! men o"erthre! them all. For God's sake, take you no care or that. Cobsminny, cobsminny, said PanurgeE my codpiece alone shall su ice to o"erthro! all the menE and my +t. +!eephole, that d!ells !ithin it, shall lay all the !omen s>uat upon their backs. 8p then, my lads, said Pantagruel, and let us march along.

Chapter -.II=55. (o! Pantagruel set up one trophy in memorial o their "alour, and Panurge another in remembrance o the hares. (o! Pantagruel like!ise !ith his arts begat little men, and !ith his isgs little !omenE and ho! Panurge broke a great sta o"er t!o glasses. Be ore !e depart hence, said Pantagruel, in remembrance o the e?ploit that you ha"e no! per ormed 5 !ill in this place erect a air trophy. Then e"ery man amongst them, !ith great joy and ine little country songs, set up a huge big post, !hereunto they hanged a great cuirassier saddle, the ronstal o a barbed horse, bridle$bosses, pulley$pieces or the knees, stirrup$leathers, spurs, stirrups, a coat o mail, a corslet tempered !ith steel, a battle$a?e, a strong, short, and sharp horseman's s!ord, a gauntlet, a horseman's mace, gushet$armour or the armpits, leg$harness, and a gorget, !ith all other urniture need ul or the decorement o a triumphant arch, in sign o a trophy. *nd then Pantagruel, or an eternal memorial, !rote this "ictorial ditton, as ollo!eth&$$ (ere !as the pro!ess made apparent o Four bra"e and "aliant champions o proo , ;ho, !ithout any arms but !it, at once, %ike Fabius, or the t!o +cipions, Burnt in a ire si? hundred and threescore Crablice, strong rogues ne'er "an>uished be ore. By this each king may learn, rook, pa!n, and knight, That sleight is much more pre"alent than might. For "ictory, *s all men see, (angs on the ditty ' that committee ;here the great God (ath his abode. 9or doth he it to strong and great men gi"e,

But to his elect, as !e must belie"eE There ore shall he obtain !ealth and esteem, ;ho thorough aith doth put his trust in him. ;hilst Pantagruel !as !riting these oresaid "erses, Panurge hal"ed and i?ed upon a great stake the horns o a roebuck, together !ith the skin and the right ore oot thereo , the ears o three le"erets, the chine o a coney, the ja!s o a hare, the !ings o t!o bustards, the eet o our >ueest$do"es, a bottle or borracho ull o "inegar, a horn !herein to put salt, a !ooden spit, a larding stick, a scur"y kettle ull o holes, a dripping$pan to make sauce in, an earthen salt$cellar, and a goblet o Beau"ais. Then, in imitation o Pantagruel's "erses and trophy, !rote that !hich ollo!eth&$$ (ere !as it that our jo"ial blades sat do!n To a pro ound carousing, and to cro!n Their ban>uet !ith those !ines !hich please best great Bacchus, the monarch o their drinking state. Then !ere the reins and urch o a young hare, ;ith salt and "inegar, displayed there, ' !hich to snatch a bit or t!o at once They all ell on like hungry scorpions. For th' 5n"entories ' )e ensories +ay that in heat ;e must drink neat *ll out, and o The choicest stu . But it is bad to eat o young hare's lesh, 8nless !ith "inegar !e it re resh. Recei"e this tenet, then, !ithout control, That "inegar o that meat is the soul. Then said Pantagruel, Come, my lads, let us begoneL !e ha"e stayed here too long about our "ictualsE or "ery seldom doth it all out that the greatest eaters do the most martial e?ploits. There is no shado! like that o lying colours, no smoke like that o horses, no clattering like that o armour. *t this 1pistemon began to smile, and said, There is no shado! like that o the kitchen, no smoke like that o pasties, and no clattering like that o goblets. 8nto !hich ans!ered Panurge, There is no shado! like that o curtains, no smoke like that o !omen's breasts, and no clattering like that o ballocks. Then orth!ith rising up he ga"e a art, a leap, and a !histle, and most joy ully cried out aloud, 1"er li"e PantagruelL ;hen Pantagruel sa! that, he !ould ha"e done as muchE but !ith the art that he let the earth trembled nine leagues about, !here!ith and !ith the corrupted air he begot abo"e three and i ty thousand little men, ill$ a"oured d!ar s, and !ith one isg that he let he made as many little !omen, crouching do!n, as you shall see in di"ers places, !hich ne"er gro! but like co!'s tails, do!n!ards, or, like the %imosin radishes, round. (o! no!L said Panurge, are your arts so ertile and ruit ulK By G$$, here be bra"e arted men and isgued !omenE let them be married togetherE they !ill beget ine hornets and dor lies. +o did Pantagruel, and called them pigmies. Those he sent to li"e in an island thereby, !here since that time they are increased mightily. But the cranes make !ar !ith them continually, against !hich they do most courageously de end themsel"esE or

these little ends o men and dandiprats @!hom in +cotland they call !hiphandles and knots o a tar$barrelD are commonly "ery testy and cholericE the physical reason !hereo is, because their heart is near their spleen. *t this same time Panurge took t!o drinking glasses that !ere there, both o one bigness, and illed them !ith !ater up to the brim, and set one o them upon one stool and the other upon another, placing them about one oot rom one another. Then he took the sta o a ja"elin, about i"e oot and a hal long, and put it upon the t!o glasses, so that the t!o ends o the sta did come just to the brims o the glasses. This done, he took a great stake or billet o !ood, and said to Pantagruel and to the rest, <y masters, behold ho! easily !e shall ha"e the "ictory o"er our enemiesE or just as 5 shall break this sta here upon these glasses, !ithout either breaking or craHing o them, nay, !hich is more, !ithout spilling one drop o the !ater that is !ithin them, e"en so shall !e break the heads o our )ipsodes !ithout recei"ing any o us any !ound or loss in our person or goods. But, that you may not think there is any !itchcra t in this, holdL said he to 1usthenes, strike upon the midst as hard as thou canst !ith this log. 1usthenes did so, and the sta broke in t!o pieces, and not one drop o the !ater ell out o the glasses. Then said he, 5 kno! a great many such other tricksE let us no! there ore march boldly and !ith assurance.

Chapter -.II=555. (o! Pantagruel got the "ictory "ery strangely o"er the )ipsodes and the Giants. * ter all this talk, Pantagruel took the prisoner to him and sent him a!ay, saying, Go thou unto thy king in his camp, and tell him tidings o !hat thou hast seen, and let him resol"e to east me to$morro! about noonE or, as soon as my galleys shall come, !hich !ill be to$morro! at urthest, 5 !ill pro"e unto him by eighteen hundred thousand ighting$men and se"en thousand giants, all o them greater than 5 am, that he hath done oolishly and against reason thus to in"ade my country. ;herein Pantagruel eigned that he had an army at sea. But the prisoner ans!ered that he !ould yield himsel to be his sla"e, and that he !as content ne"er to return to his o!n people, but rather !ith Pantagruel to ight against them, and or God's sake besought him that he might be permitted so to do. ;hereunto Pantagruel !ould not gi"e consent, but commanded him to depart thence speedily and begone as he had told him, and to that e ect ga"e him a bo? ul o euphorbium, together !ith some grains o the black chameleon thistle, steeped into a>ua "itae, and made up into the condiment o a !et sucket, commanding him to carry it to his king, and to say unto him, that i he !ere able to eat one ounce o that !ithout drinking a ter it, he might then be able to resist him !ithout any ear or apprehension o danger. The prisoner then besought him !ith joined hands that in the hour o the battle he !ould ha"e compassion upon him. ;hereat Pantagruel said unto him, * ter that thou hast deli"ered all unto the king, put thy !hole con idence in God, and he !ill not orsake theeE because, although or my part 5 be mighty, as thou mayst see, and ha"e an in inite number o men in arms, 5 do ne"ertheless trust neither in my orce nor in mine industry, but all my con idence is in God my protector, !ho doth ne"er orsake those that

in him do put their trust and con idence. This done, the prisoner re>uested him that he !ould a ord him some reasonable composition or his ransom. To !hich Pantagruel ans!ered, that his end !as not to rob nor ransom men, but to enrich them and reduce them to total liberty. Go thy !ay, said he, in the peace o the li"ing God, and ne"er ollo! e"il company, lest some mischie be all thee. The prisoner being gone, Pantagruel said to his men, Gentlemen, 5 ha"e made this prisoner belie"e that !e ha"e an army at seaE as also that !e !ill not assault them till to$morro! at noon, to the end that they, doubting o the great arri"al o our men, may spend this night in pro"iding and strengthening themsel"es, but in the meantime my intention is that !e charge them about the hour o the irst sleep. %et us lea"e Pantagruel here !ith his apostles, and speak o :ing *narchus and his army. ;hen the prisoner !as come he !ent unto the king and told him ho! there !as a great giant come, called Pantagruel, !ho had o"erthro!n and made to be cruelly roasted all the si? hundred and nine and i ty horsemen, and he alone escaped to bring the ne!s. Besides that, he !as charged by the said giant to tell him that the ne?t day, about noon, he must make a dinner ready or him, or at that hour he !as resol"ed to set upon him. Then did he gi"e him that bo? !herein !ere those con itures. But as soon as he had s!allo!ed do!n one spoon ul o them, he !as taken !ith such a heat in the throat, together !ith an ulceration in the lap o the top o the !indpipe, that his tongue peeled !ith it in such sort that, or all they could do unto him, he ound no ease at all but by drinking only !ithout cessationE or as soon as e"er he took the goblet rom his head, his tongue !as on a ire, and there ore they did nothing but still pour in !ine into his throat !ith a unnel. ;hich !hen his captains, basha!s, and guard o his body did see, they tasted o the same drugs to try !hether they !ere so thirst$procuring and alterati"e or no. But it so be ell them as it had done their king, and they plied the lagon so !ell that the noise ran throughout all the camp, ho! the prisoner !as returnedE that the ne?t day they !ere to ha"e an assaultE that the king and his captains did already prepare themsel"es or it, together !ith his guards, and that !ith carousing lustily and >ua ing as hard as they could. 1"ery man, there ore, in the army began to tipple, ply the pot, s!ill and guHHle it as ast as they could. 5n sum, they drunk so much, and so long, that they ell asleep like pigs, all out o order throughout the !hole camp. %et us no! return to the good Pantagruel, and relate ho! he carried himsel in this business. )eparting rom the place o the trophies, he took the mast o their ship in his hand like a pilgrim's sta , and put !ithin the top o it t!o hundred and se"en and thirty puncheons o !hite !ine o *njou, the rest !as o Rouen, and tied up to his girdle the bark all ull o salt, as easily as the lans>uenets carry their little panniers, and so set on!ard on his !ay !ith his ello!$soldiers. ;hen he !as come near to the enemy's camp, Panurge said unto him, +ir, i you !ould do !ell, let do!n this !hite !ine o *njou rom the scuttle o the mast o the ship, that !e may all drink thereo , like Bretons. (ereunto Pantagruel "ery !illingly consented, and they drank so neat that there !as not so much as one poor drop le t o t!o hundred and se"en and thirty puncheons, e?cept one boracho or leathern bottle o Tours !hich Panurge illed or himsel , or he called that his "ademecum, and some scur"y lees o !ine in the bottom, !hich ser"ed him instead o "inegar. * ter they had !hittled and curried the can pretty handsomely, Panurge ga"e Pantagruel to eat some de"ilish drugs compounded o lithotripton, !hich is

a stone$dissol"ing ingredient, nephrocatarticon, that purgeth the reins, the marmalade o >uinces, called codiniac, a con ection o cantharides, !hich are green lies breeding on the tops o oli"e$trees, and other kinds o diuretic or piss$procuring simples. This done, Pantagruel said to Carpalin, Go into the city, scrambling like a cat against the !all, as you can !ell do, and tell them that no! presently they come out and charge their enemies as rudely as they can, and ha"ing said so, come do!n, taking a lighted torch !ith you, !here!ith you shall set on ire all the tents and pa"ilions in the campE then cry as loud as you are able !ith your great "oice, and then come a!ay rom thence. #ea but, said Carpalin, !ere it not good to cloy all their ordnanceK 9o, no, said Pantagruel, only blo! up all their po!der. Carpalin, obeying him, departed suddenly and did as he !as appointed by Pantagruel, and all the combatants came orth that !ere in the city, and !hen he had set ire in the tents and pa"ilions, he passed so lightly through them, and so highly and pro oundly did they snort and sleep, that they ne"er percei"ed him. (e came to the place !here their artillery !as, and set their munition on ire. But here !as the danger. The ire !as so sudden that poor Carpalin had almost been burnt. *nd had it not been or his !onder ul agility he had been ried like a roasting pig. But he departed a!ay so speedily that a bolt or arro! out o a crossbo! could not ha"e had a s!i ter motion. ;hen he !as clear o their trenches, he shouted aloud, and cried out so dread ully, and !ith such amaHement to the hearers, that it seemed all the de"ils o hell had been let loose. *t !hich noise the enemies a!aked, but can you tell ho!K 1"en no less astonished than are monks at the ringing o the irst peal to matins, !hich in %usonnois is called rub$ballock. 5n the meantime Pantagruel began to so! the salt that he had in his bark, and because they slept !ith an open gaping mouth, he illed all their throats !ith it, so that those poor !retches !ere by it made to cough like o?es. (a, Pantagruel, ho! thou addest greater heat to the irebrand that is in usL +uddenly Pantagruel had !ill to piss, by means o the drugs !hich Panurge had gi"en him, and pissed amidst the camp so !ell and so copiously that he dro!ned them all, and there !as a particular deluge ten leagues round about, o such considerable depth that the history saith, i his ather's great mare had been there, and pissed like!ise, it !ould undoubtedly ha"e been a more enormous deluge than that o )eucalionE or she did ne"er piss but she made a ri"er greater than is either the Rhone or the )anube. ;hich those that !ere come out o the city seeing, said, They are all cruelly slainE see ho! the blood runs along. But they !ere decei"ed in thinking Pantagruel's urine had been the blood o their enemies, or they could not see but by the light o the ire o the pa"ilions and some small light o the moon. The enemies, a ter that they !ere a!aked, seeing on one side the ire in the camp, and on the other the inundation o the urinal deluge, could not tell !hat to say nor !hat to think. +ome said that it !as the end o the !orld and the inal judgment, !hich ought to be by ire. 'thers again thought that the sea$gods, 9eptune, Proteus, Triton, and the rest o them, did persecute them, or that indeed they ound it to be like sea$!ater and salt. ' !ho !ere able no! condignly to relate ho! Pantagruel did demean himsel against the three hundred giantsL ' my <use, my Calliope, my Thalia, inspire me at this time, restore unto me my spiritsE or this is the logical bridge o assesL (ere is the pit all, here is the di iculty, to ha"e ability enough to e?press the horrible battle that !as ought. *h,

!ould to God that 5 had no! a bottle o the best !ine that e"er those drank !ho shall read this so "eridical historyL

Chapter -.II5I. (o! Pantagruel discom ited the three hundred giants armed !ith ree$stone, and %oupgarou their captain. The giants, seeing all their camp dro!ned, carried a!ay their king *narchus upon their backs as !ell as they could out o the ort, as *eneas did to his ather *nchises, in the time o the con lagration o Troy. ;hen Panurge percei"ed them, he said to Pantagruel, +ir, yonder are the giants coming orth against youE lay on them !ith your mast gallantly, like an old encerE or no! is the time that you must sho! yoursel a bra"e man and an honest. *nd or our part !e !ill not ail you. 5 mysel !ill kill to you a good many boldly enoughE or !hy, )a"id killed Goliath "ery easilyE and then this great lecher, 1usthenes, !ho is stronger than our o?en, !ill not spare himsel . Be o good courage, there ore, and "aliantE charge amongst them !ith point and edge, and by all manner o means. ;ell, said Pantagruel, o courage 5 ha"e more than or i ty rancs, but let us be !ise, or (ercules irst ne"er undertook against t!o. That is !ell cacked, !ell scummered, said PanurgeE do you compare yoursel !ith (erculesK #ou ha"e, by G$$, more strength in your teeth, and more scent in your bum, than e"er (ercules had in all his body and soul. +o much is a man !orth as he esteems himsel . ;hilst they spake those !ords, beholdL %oupgarou !as come !ith all his giants, !ho, seeing Pantagruel in a manner alone, !as carried a!ay !ith temerity and presumption, or hopes that he had to kill the good man. ;hereupon he said to his companions the giants, #ou !enchers o the lo! country, by <ahoomL i any o you undertake to ight against these men here, 5 !ill put you cruelly to death. 5t is my !ill that you let me ight single. 5n the meantime you shall ha"e good sport to look upon us. Then all the other giants retired !ith their king to the place !here the lagons stood, and Panurge and his comrades !ith them, !ho counter eited those that ha"e had the po?, or he !reathed about his mouth, shrunk up his ingers, and !ith a harsh and hoarse "oice said unto them, 5 orsake $od, ello!$soldiers, i 5 !ould ha"e it to be belie"ed that !e make any !ar at all. Gi"e us some!hat to eat !ith you !hilest our masters ight against one another. To this the king and giants jointly condescended, and accordingly made them to ban>uet !ith them. 5n the meantime Panurge told them the ollies o Turpin, the e?amples o +t. 9icholas, and the tale o a tub. %oupgarou then set or!ard to!ards Pantagruel, !ith a mace all o steel, and that o the best sort, !eighing nine thousand se"en hundred >uintals and t!o >uarterons, at the end !hereo !ere thirteen pointed diamonds, the least !hereo !as as big as the greatest bell o 'ur %ady's Church at Paris$$there might !ant perhaps the thickness o a nail, or at most, that 5 may not lie, o the back o those kni"es !hich they call cutlugs or earcutters, but or a little o or on, more or less, it is no matter$$and it !as enchanted in such sort that it could ne"er break, but, contrarily, all that it did touch did break immediately. Thus, then, as he approached !ith great ierceness and pride o heart, Pantagruel, casting up his eyes to hea"en, recommended himsel to God !ith all his soul, making such a "o! as ollo!eth. ' thou %ord God, !ho hast al!ays been my protector and my sa"iourL thou

seest the distress !herein 5 am at this time. 9othing brings me hither but a natural Heal, !hich thou hast permitted unto mortals, to keep and de end themsel"es, their !i"es and children, country and amily, in case thy o!n proper cause !ere not in >uestion, !hich is the aithE or in such a business thou !ilt ha"e no coadjutors, only a catholic con ession and ser"ice o thy !ord, and hast orbidden us all arming and de ence. For thou art the *lmighty, !ho in thine o!n cause, and !here thine o!n business is taken to heart, canst de end it ar beyond all that !e can concei"e, thou !ho hast thousand thousands o hundreds o millions o legions o angels, the least o !hich is able to kill all mortal men, and turn about the hea"ens and earth at his pleasure, as hereto ore it "ery plainly appeared in the army o +ennacherib. 5 it may please thee, there ore, at this time to assist me, as my !hole trust and con idence is in thee alone, 5 "o! unto thee, that in all countries !hatsoe"er !herein 5 shall ha"e any po!er or authority, !hether in this o 8topia or else!here, 5 !ill cause thy holy gospel to be purely, simply, and entirely preached, so that the abuses o a rabble o hypocrites and alse prophets, !ho by human constitutions and depra"ed in"entions ha"e empoisoned all the !orld, shall be >uite e?terminated rom about me. This "o! !as no sooner made, but there !as heard a "oice rom hea"en saying, (oc ac et "incesE that is to say, )o this, and thou shalt o"ercome. Then Pantagruel, seeing that %oupgarou !ith his mouth !ide open !as dra!ing near to him, !ent against him boldly, and cried out as loud as he !as able, Thou diest, "illain, thou diestL purposing by his horrible cry to make him a raid, according to the discipline o the %acedaemonians. ;ithal, he immediately cast at him out o his bark, !hich he !ore at his girdle, eighteen cags and our bushels o salt, !here!ith he illed both his mouth, throat, nose, and eyes. *t this %oupgarou !as so highly incensed that, most iercely setting upon him, he thought e"en then !ith a blo! o his mace to ha"e beat out his brains. But Pantagruel !as "ery nimble, and had al!ays a >uick oot and a >uick eye, and there ore !ith his le t oot did he step back one pace, yet not so nimbly but that the blo!, alling upon the bark, broke it in our thousand our score and si? pieces, and thre! all the rest o the salt about the ground. Pantagruel, seeing that, most gallantly displayed the "igour o his arms, and, according to the art o the a?e, ga"e him !ith the great end o his mast a homethrust a little abo"e the breastE then, bringing along the blo! to the le t side, !ith a slash struck him bet!een the neck and shoulders. * ter that, ad"ancing his right oot, he ga"e him a push upon the couillons !ith the upper end o his said mast, !here!ith breaking the scuttle on the top thereo , he spilt three or our puncheons o !ine that !ere le t therein. 8pon that %oupgarou thought that he had pierced his bladder, and that the !ine that came orth had been his urine. Pantagruel, being not content !ith this, !ould ha"e doubled it by a side$blo!E but %oupgarou, li ting up his mace, ad"anced one step upon him, and !ith all his orce !ould ha"e dashed it upon Pantagruel, !herein, to speak the truth, he so spright ully carried himsel , that, i God had not succoured the good Pantagruel, he had been clo"en rom the top o his head to the bottom o his milt. But the blo! glanced to the right side by the brisk nimbleness o Pantagruel, and his mace sank into the ground abo"e threescore and thirteen oot, through a huge rock, out o !hich the ire did issue greater than nine thousand and si? tons. Pantagruel, seeing him busy about plucking out his mace, !hich stuck in the ground bet!een the rocks, ran upon him, and !ould ha"e clean cut o his head, i by mischance his mast had not touched a little against the stock o %oupgarou's mace, !hich !as

enchanted, as !e ha"e said be ore. By this means his mast broke o about three hand uls abo"e his hand, !hereat he stood amaHed like a bell$ ounder, and cried out, *h, Panurge, !here art thouK Panurge, seeing that, said to the king and the giants, By G$$, they !ill hurt one another i they be not parted. But the giants !ere as merry as i they had been at a !edding. Then Carpalin !ould ha"e risen rom thence to help his masterE but one o the giants said unto him, By Gol arin, the nephe! o <ahoom, i thou stir hence 5 !ill put thee in the bottom o my breeches instead o a suppository, !hich cannot choose but do me good. For in my belly 5 am "ery costi"e, and cannot !ell cagar !ithout gnashing my teeth and making many ilthy aces. Then Pantagruel, thus destitute o a sta , took up the end o his mast, striking ath!art and alongst upon the giant, but he did him no more hurt than you !ould do !ith a illip upon a smith's an"il. 5n the @meanD time %oupgarou !as dra!ing his mace out o the ground, and, ha"ing already plucked it out, !as ready there!ith to ha"e struck Pantagruel, !ho, being "ery >uick in turning, a"oided all his blo!s in taking only the de ensi"e part in hand, until on a sudden he sa! that %oupgarou did threaten him !ith these !ords, saying, 9o!, "illain, !ill not 5 ail to chop thee as small as minced meat, and keep thee hence orth rom e"er making any more poor men athirstL For then, !ithout any more ado, Pantagruel struck him such a blo! !ith his oot against the belly that he made him all back!ards, his heels o"er his head, and dragged him thus along at lay$buttock abo"e a light$shot. Then %oupgarou cried out, bleeding at the throat, <ahoom, <ahoom, <ahoomL at !hich noise all the giants arose to succour him. But Panurge said unto them, Gentlemen, do not go, i !ill belie"e me, or our master is mad, and strikes ath!art and alongst, he cares not !hereE he !ill do you a mischie . But the giants made no account o it, seeing that Pantagruel had ne"er a sta . *nd !hen Pantagruel sa! those giants approach "ery near unto him, he took %oupgarou by the t!o eet, and li t up his body like a pike in the air, !here!ith, it being harnessed !ith an"ils, he laid such hea"y load amongst those giants armed !ith ree$stone, that, striking them do!n as a mason doth little knobs o stones, there !as not one o them that stood be ore him !hom he thre! not lat to the ground. *nd by the breaking o this stony armour there !as made such a horrible rumble as put me in mind o the all o the butter$to!er o +t. +tephen's at Bourges !hen it melted be ore the sun. Panurge, !ith Carpalin and 1usthenes, did cut in the mean time the throats o those that !ere struck do!n, in such sort that there escaped not one. Pantagruel to any man's sight !as like a mo!er, !ho !ith his scythe, !hich !as %oupgarou, cut do!n the meado! grass, to !it, the giantsE but !ith this encing o Pantagruel's %oupgarou lost his head, !hich happened !hen Pantagruel struck do!n one !hose name !as Ri landouille, or Pudding$plunderer, !ho !as armed cap$a$pie !ith Grison stones, one chip !hereo splintering abroad cut o 1pistemon's neck clean and air. For other!ise the most part o them !ere but lightly armed !ith a kind o sandy brittle stone, and the rest !ith slates. *t last, !hen he sa! that they !ere all dead, he thre! the body o %oupgarou as hard as he could against the city, !here alling like a rog upon his belly in the great PiaHHa thereo , he !ith the said all killed a singed he$cat, a !et she$cat, a arting duck, and a bridled goose.

Chapter -.III. (o! 1pistemon, !ho had his head cut o , !as inely healed by Panurge, and

o the ne!s !hich he brought rom the de"ils, and o the damned people in hell. This gigantal "ictory being ended, Pantagruel !ithdre! himsel to the place o the lagons, and called or Panurge and the rest, !ho came unto him sa e and sound, e?cept 1usthenes, !hom one o the giants had scratched a little in the ace !hilst he !as about the cutting o his throat, and 1pistemon, !ho appeared not at all. ;hereat Pantagruel !as so aggrie"ed that he !ould ha"e killed himsel . But Panurge said unto him, 9ay, sir, stay a !hile, and !e !ill search or him amongst the dead, and ind out the truth o all. Thus as they !ent seeking a ter him, they ound him stark dead, !ith his head bet!een his arms all bloody. Then 1usthenes cried out, *h, cruel deathL hast thou taken rom me the per ectest amongst menK *t !hich !ords Pantagruel rose up !ith the greatest grie that e"er any man did see, and said to Panurge, (a, my riendL the prophecy o your t!o glasses and the ja"elin sta !as a great deal too deceit ul. But Panurge ans!ered, <y dear bullies all, !eep not one drop more, or, he being yet all hot, 5 !ill make him as sound as e"er he !as. 5n saying this, he took the head and held it !arm oregainst his codpiece, that the !ind might not enter into it. 1usthenes and Carpalin carried the body to the place !here they had ban>ueted, not out o any hope that e"er he !ould reco"er, but that Pantagruel might see it. 9e"ertheless Panurge ga"e him "ery good com ort, saying, 5 5 do not heal him, 5 !ill be content to lose my head, !hich is a ool's !ager. %ea"e o , there ore, crying, and help me. Then cleansed he his neck "ery !ell !ith pure !hite !ine, and, a ter that, took his head, and into it synapised some po!der o diamerdis, !hich he al!ays carried about him in one o his bags. * ter!ards he anointed it !ith 5 kno! not !hat ointment, and set it on "ery just, "ein against "ein, sine! against sine!, and spondyle against spondyle, that he might not be !ry$necked$$ or such people he mortally hated. This done, he ga"e it round about some i teen or si?teen stitches !ith a needle that it might not all o againE then, on all sides and e"ery!here, he put a little ointment on it, !hich he called resuscitati"e. +uddenly 1pistemon began to breathe, then opened his eyes, ya!ned, sneeHed, and a ter!ards let a great household art. ;hereupon Panurge said, 9o!, certainly, he is healed,$$and there ore ga"e him to drink a large ull glass o strong !hite !ine, !ith a sugared toast. 5n this ashion !as 1pistemon inely healed, only that he !as some!hat hoarse or abo"e three !eeks together, and had a dry cough o !hich he could not be rid but by the orce o continual drinking. *nd no! he began to speak, and said that he had seen the de"il, had spoken !ith %uci er amiliarly, and had been "ery merry in hell and in the 1lysian ields, a irming "ery seriously be ore them all that the de"ils !ere boon companions and merry ello!s. But, in respect o the damned, he said he !as "ery sorry that Panurge had so soon called him back into this !orld againE or, said he, 5 took !onder ul delight to see them. (o! soK said Pantagruel. Because they do not use them there, said 1pistemon, so badly as you think they do. Their estate and condition o li"ing is but only changed a ter a "ery strange mannerE or 5 sa! *le?ander the Great there amending and patching on clouts upon old breeches and stockings, !hereby he got but a "ery poor li"ing. Ier?es !as a crier o mustard. Romulus, a salter and patcher o pattens. 9uma, a nailsmith. Tar>uin, a porter.

Piso, a clo!nish s!ain. +ylla, a erryman. Cyrus, a co!herd. Themistocles, a glass$maker. 1paminondas, a maker o mirrors or looking$glasses. Brutus and Cassius, sur"eyors or measurers o land. )emosthenes, a "ine$dresser. Cicero, a ire$kindler. Fabius, a threader o beads. *rta?er?es, a rope$maker. *eneas, a miller. *chilles !as a scaldpated maker o hay$bundles. *gamemnon, a lick$bo?. 8lysses, a hay$mo!er. 9estor, a door$keeper or orester. )arius, a gold$ inder or jakes$ armer. *ncus <artius, a ship$trimmer. Camillus, a oot$post. <arcellus, a sheller o beans. )rusus, a taker o money at the doors o playhouses. +cipio * ricanus, a crier o lee in a !ooden slipper. *sdrubal, a lantern$maker. (annibal, a kettlemaker and seller o eggshells. Priamus, a seller o old clouts. %ancelot o the %ake !as a layer o dead horses. *ll the :nights o the Round Table !ere poor day$labourers, employed to ro! o"er the ri"ers o Cocytus, Phlegeton, +ty?, *cheron, and %ethe, !hen my lords the de"ils had a mind to recreate themsel"es upon the !ater, as in the like occasion are hired the boatmen at %yons, the gondoliers o =enice, and oars at %ondon. But !ith this di erence, that these poor knights ha"e only or their are a bob or lirt on the nose, and in the e"ening a morsel o coarse mouldy bread. Trajan !as a isher o rogs. *ntoninus, a lackey. Commodus, a jet$maker. Pertina?, a peeler o !alnuts. %ucullus, a maker o rattles and ha!ks'$bells. 7ustinian, a pedlar. (ector, a snap$sauce scullion. Paris !as a poor beggar. Cambyses, a mule$dri"er. 9ero, a base blind iddler, or player on that instrument !hich is called a !indbroach. Fierabras !as his ser"ing$man, !ho did him a thousand mischie"ous tricks, and !ould make him eat o the bro!n bread and drink o the turned !ine !hen himsel did both eat and drink o the best. 7ulius Caesar and Pompey !ere boat$!rights and tighters o ships. =alentine and 'rson did ser"e in the sto"es o hell, and !ere s!eat$rubbers in hot houses. Giglan and Go"ian @Gau"inD !ere poor s!ineherds. Geo rey !ith the great tooth !as a tinder$maker and seller o matches.

God rey de Bouillon, a hood$maker. 7ason !as a bracelet$maker. )on Pietro de Castille, a carrier o indulgences. <organ, a beer$bre!er. (uon o Bordeau?, a hooper o barrels. Pyrrhus, a kitchen$scullion. *ntiochus, a chimney$s!eeper. 'cta"ian, a scraper o parchment. 9er"a, a mariner. Pope 7ulius !as a crier o pudding$pies, but he le t o !earing there his great buggerly beard. 7ohn o Paris !as a greaser o boots. *rthur o Britain, an ungreaser o caps. Perce$Forest, a carrier o aggots. Pope Boni ace the 1ighth, a scummer o pots. Pope 9icholas the Third, a maker o paper. Pope *le?ander, a ratcatcher. Pope +i?tus, an anointer o those that ha"e the po?. ;hat, said Pantagruel, ha"e they the po? there tooK +urely, said 1pistemon, 5 ne"er sa! so many& there are there, 5 think, abo"e a hundred millionsE or belie"e, that those !ho ha"e not had the po? in this !orld must ha"e it in the other. Cotsbody, said Panurge, then 5 am reeE or 5 ha"e been as ar as the hole o Gibraltar, reached unto the outmost bounds o (ercules, and gathered o the ripest. 'gier the )ane !as a urbisher o armour. The :ing Tigranes, a mender o thatched houses. Galien Restored, a taker o mold!arps. The our sons o *ymon !ere all toothdra!ers. Pope Cali?tus !as a barber o a !oman's sine >ua non. Pope 8rban, a bacon$picker. <elusina !as a kitchen drudge$!ench. <atabrune, a laundress. Cleopatra, a crier o onions. (elen, a broker or chambermaids. +emiramis, the beggars' lice$killer. )ido did sell mushrooms. Penthesilea sold cresses. %ucretia !as an alehouse$keeper. (ortensia, a spinstress. %i"ia, a grater o "erdigris. * ter this manner, those that had been great lords and ladies here, got but a poor scur"y !retched li"ing there belo!. *nd, on the contrary, the philosophers and others, !ho in this !orld had been altogether indigent and !anting, !ere great lords there in their turn. 5 sa! )iogenes there strut it out most pompously, and in great magni icence, !ith a rich purple go!n on him, and a golden sceptre in his right hand. *nd, !hich is more, he !ould no! and then make *le?ander the Great mad, so enormously !ould he abuse him !hen he had not !ell patched his breechesE or he used to pay his skin !ith sound bastinadoes. 5 sa! 1pictetus there, most gallantly

apparelled a ter the French ashion, sitting under a pleasant arbour, !ith store o handsome gentle!omen, rolicking, drinking, dancing, and making good cheer, !ith abundance o cro!ns o the sun. *bo"e the lattice !ere !ritten these "erses or his de"ice& To leap and dance, to sport and play, *nd drink good !ine both !hite and bro!n, 'r nothing else do all the day But tell bags ull o many a cro!n. ;hen he sa! me, he in"ited me to drink !ith him "ery courteously, and 5 being !illing to be entreated, !e tippled and chopined together most theologically. 5n the meantime came Cyrus to beg one arthing o him or the honour o <ercury, there!ith to buy a e! onions or his supper. 9o, no, said 1pictetus, 5 do not use in my almsgi"ing to besto! arthings. (old, thou "arlet, there's a cro!n or theeE be an honest man. Cyrus !as e?ceeding glad to ha"e met !ith such a bootyE but the other poor rogues, the kings that are there belo!, as *le?ander, )arius, and others, stole it a!ay rom him by night. 5 sa! Pathelin, the treasurer o Rhadamanthus, !ho, in cheapening the pudding$pies that Pope 7ulius cried, asked him ho! much a doHen. Three blanks, said the Pope. 9ay, said Pathelin, three blo!s !ith a cudgel. %ay them do!n here, you rascal, and go etch more. The poor Pope !ent a!ay !eeping, !ho, !hen he came to his master, the pie$maker, told him that they had taken a!ay his pudding$pies. ;hereupon his master ga"e him such a sound lash !ith an eel$skin, that his o!n !ould ha"e been !orth nothing to make bag$pipe$bags o . 5 sa! <aster 7ohn %e <aire there personate the Pope in such ashion that he made all the poor kings and popes o this !orld kiss his eet, and, taking great state upon him, ga"e them his benediction, saying, Get the pardons, rogues, get the pardonsE they are good cheap. 5 absol"e you o bread and pottage, and dispense !ith you to be ne"er good or anything. Then, calling Caillet and Triboulet to him, he spoke these !ords, <y lords the cardinals, despatch their bulls, to !it, to each o them a blo! !ith a cudgel upon the reins. ;hich accordingly !as orth!ith per ormed. 5 heard <aster Francis =illon ask Ier?es, (o! much the mess o mustardK * arthing, said Ier?es. To !hich the said =illon ans!ered, The po? take thee or a "illainL *s much o s>uare$eared !heat is not !orth hal that price, and no! thou o erest to enhance the price o "ictuals. ;ith this he pissed in his pot, as the mustard$makers o Paris used to do. 5 sa! the trained bo!man o the bathing tub, kno!n by the name o the Francarcher de Baignolet, !ho, being one o the trustees o the 5n>uisition, !hen he sa! Perce$Forest making !ater against a !all in !hich !as painted the ire o +t. *nthony, declared him heretic, and !ould ha"e caused him to be burnt ali"e had it not been or <organt, !ho, or his pro iciat and other small ees, ga"e him nine tuns o beer. ;ell, said Pantagruel, reser"e all these air stories or another time, only tell us ho! the usurers are there handled. 5 sa! them, said 1pistemon, all "ery busily employed in seeking o rusty pins and old nails in the kennels o the streets, as you see poor !retched rogues do in this !orld. But the >uintal, or hundred!eight, o this old iron!are is there "alued but at the price o a cantle o bread, and yet they ha"e but a "ery bad despatch and riddance in the sale o it. Thus the poor misers are sometimes three !hole !eeks !ithout eating one morsel or crumb o bread, and yet !ork both day and night, looking or the air to come. 9e"ertheless, o all this labour, toil, and misery, they reckon nothing, so cursedly acti"e they are in the prosecution o that their base calling, in

hopes, at the end o the year, to earn some scur"y penny by it. Come, said Pantagruel, let us no! make oursel"es merry one bout, and drink, my lads, 5 beseech you, or it is "ery good drinking all this month. Then did they uncase their lagons by heaps and doHens, and !ith their leaguer$pro"ision made e?cellent good cheer. But the poor :ing *narchus could not all this !hile settle himsel to!ards any it o mirthE !hereupon Panurge said, ' !hat trade shall !e make my lord the king here, that he may be skil ul in the art !hen he goes thither to sojourn amongst all the de"ils o hellK 5ndeed, said Pantagruel, that !as !ell ad"ised o thee. )o !ith him !hat thou !ilt, 5 gi"e him to thee. Gramercy, said Panurge, the present is not to be re used, and 5 lo"e it rom you.

Chapter -.III5. (o! Pantagruel entered into the city o the *maurots, and ho! Panurge married :ing *narchus to an old lantern$carrying hag, and made him a crier o green sauce. * ter this !onder ul "ictory, Pantagruel sent Carpalin unto the city o the *maurots to declare and signi y unto them ho! the :ing *narchus !as taken prisoner and all the enemies o the city o"erthro!n. ;hich ne!s !hen they heard all the inhabitants o the city came orth to meet him in good order, and !ith a great triumphant pomp, conducting him !ith a hea"enly joy into the city, !here innumerable bon ires !ere set on through all the parts thereo , and air round tables, !hich !ere urnished !ith store o good "ictuals, set out in the middle o the streets. This !as a rene!ing o the golden age in the time o +aturn, so good !as the cheer !hich then they made. But Pantagruel, ha"ing assembled the !hole senate and common councilmen o the to!n, said, <y masters, !e must no! strike the iron !hilst it is hot. 5t is there ore my !ill that, be ore !e rolic it any longer, !e ad"ise ho! to assault and take the !hole kingdom o the )ipsodes. To !hich e ect let those that !ill go !ith me pro"ide themsel"es against to$morro! a ter drinking, or then !ill 5 begin to march. 9ot that 5 need any more men than 5 ha"e to help me to con>uer it, or 5 could make it as sure that !ay as i 5 had it alreadyE but 5 see this city is so ull o inhabitants that they scarce can turn in the streets. 5 !ill, there ore, carry them as a colony into )ipsody, and !ill gi"e them all that country, !hich is air, !ealthy, ruit ul, and pleasant, abo"e all other countries in the !orld, as many o you can tell !ho ha"e been there hereto ore. 1"eryone o you, there ore, that !ill go along, let him pro"ide himsel as 5 ha"e said. This counsel and resolution being published in the city, the ne?t morning there assembled in the piaHHa be ore the palace to the number o eighteen hundred i ty$si? thousand and ele"en, besides !omen and little children. Thus began they to march straight into )ipsody, in such good order as did the people o 5srael !hen they departed out o 1gypt to pass o"er the Red +ea. But be ore !e proceed any urther in this purpose, 5 !ill tell you ho! Panurge handled his prisoner the :ing *narchusE or, ha"ing remembered that !hich 1pistemon had related, ho! the kings and rich men in this !orld !ere used in the 1lysian ields, and ho! they got their li"ing there by base and ignoble trades, he, there ore, one day apparelled his king in a pretty

little can"as doublet, all jagged and pinked like the tippet o a light horseman's cap, together !ith a pair o large mariner's breeches, and stockings !ithout shoes,$$For, said he, they !ould but spoil his sight, $$and a little peach$coloured bonnet !ith a great capon's eather in it$$5 lie, or 5 think he had t!o$$and a "ery handsome girdle o a sky$colour and green @in French called pers et "ertD, saying that such a li"ery did become him !ell, or that he had al!ays been per"erse, and in this plight bringing him be ore Pantagruel, said unto him, )o you kno! this roisterK 9o, indeed, said Pantagruel. 5t is, said Panurge, my lord the king o the three batches, or threadbare so"ereign. 5 intend to make him an honest man. These de"ilish kings !hich !e ha"e here are but as so many cal"esE they kno! nothing and are good or nothing but to do a thousand mischie s to their poor subjects, and to trouble all the !orld !ith !ar or their unjust and detestable pleasure. 5 !ill put him to a trade, and make him a crier o green sauce. Go to, begin and cry, )o you lack any green sauceK and the poor de"il cried. That is too lo!, said PanurgeE then took him by the ear, saying, +ing higher in Ge, sol, re, ut. +o, so poor de"il, thou hast a good throatE thou !ert ne"er so happy as to be no longer king. *nd Pantagruel made himsel merry !ith all thisE or 5 dare boldly say that he !as the best little ga er that !as to be seen bet!een this and the end o a sta . Thus !as *narchus made a good crier o green sauce. T!o days therea ter Panurge married him !ith an old lantern$carrying hag, and he himsel made the !edding !ith ine sheep's heads, bra"e haslets !ith mustard, gallant salligots !ith garlic, o !hich he sent i"e horseloads unto Pantagruel, !hich he ate up all, he ound them so appetiHing. *nd or their drink they had a kind o small !ell$!atered !ine, and some sorbapple$cider. *nd, to make them dance, he hired a blind man that made music to them !ith a !ind$broach. * ter dinner he led them to the palace and sho!ed them to Pantagruel, and said, pointing to the married !oman, #ou need not ear that she !ill crack. ;hyK said Pantagruel. Because, said Panurge, she is !ell slit and broke up already. ;hat do you mean by thatK said Pantagruel. )o not you see, said Panurge, that the chestnuts !hich are roasted in the ire, i they be !hole they crack as i they !ere mad, and, to keep them rom cracking, they make an incision in them and slit themK +o this ne! bride is in her lo!er parts !ell slit be ore, and there ore !ill not crack behind. Pantagruel ga"e them a little lodge near the lo!er street and a mortar o stone !herein to bray and pound their sauce, and in this manner did they do their little business, he being as pretty a crier o green sauce as e"er !as seen in the country o 8topia. But 5 ha"e been told since that his !i e doth beat him like plaister, and the poor sot dare not de end himsel , he is so simple.

Chapter -.III55. (o! Pantagruel !ith his tongue co"ered a !hole army, and !hat the author sa! in his mouth. Thus, as Pantagruel !ith all his army had entered into the country o the )ipsodes, e"eryone !as glad o it, and incontinently rendered themsel"es unto him, bringing him out o their o!n good !ills the keys o all the cities !here he !ent, the *lmirods only e?cepted, !ho, being resol"ed to hold out against him, made ans!er to his heralds that they !ould not yield

but upon "ery honourable and good conditions. ;hatL said Pantagruel, do they ask any better terms than the hand at the pot and the glass in their istK Come, let us go sack them, and put them all to the s!ord. Then did they put themsel"es in good order, as being ully determined to gi"e an assault, but by the !ay, passing through a large ield, they !ere o"ertaken !ith a great sho!er o rain, !hereat they began to shi"er and tremble, to cro!d, press, and thrust close to one another. ;hen Pantagruel sa! that, he made their captains tell them that it !as nothing, and that he sa! !ell abo"e the clouds that it !ould be nothing but a little de!E but, ho!soe"er, that they should put themsel"es in order, and he !ould co"er them. Then did they put themsel"es in a close order, and stood as near to @eachD other as they could, and Pantagruel dre! out his tongue only hal $!ay and co"ered them all, as a hen doth her chickens. 5n the meantime, 5, !ho relate to you these so "eritable stories, hid mysel under a burdock$lea , !hich !as not much less in largeness than the arch o the bridge o <ontrible, but !hen 5 sa! them thus co"ered, 5 !ent to!ards them to shelter mysel like!iseE !hich 5 could not do, or that they !ere so, as the saying is, *t the yard's end there is no cloth le t. Then, as !ell as 5 could, 5 got upon it, and !ent along ull t!o leagues upon his tongue, and so long marched that at last 5 came into his mouth. But, ' gods and goddessesL !hat did 5 see thereK 7upiter con ound me !ith his trisulc lightning i 5 lieL 5 !alked there as they do in +ophia @atD Constantinople, and sa! there great rocks, like the mountains in )enmark$$5 belie"e that those !ere his teeth. 5 sa! also air meado!s, large orests, great and strong cities not a jot less than %yons or Poictiers. The irst man 5 met !ith there !as a good honest ello! planting cole!orts, !hereat being "ery much amaHed, 5 asked him, <y riend, !hat dost thou make hereK 5 plant cole!orts, said he. But ho!, and !here!ithK said 5. (a, sir, said he, e"eryone cannot ha"e his ballocks as hea"y as a mortar, neither can !e be all rich. Thus do 5 get my poor li"ing, and carry them to the market to sell in the city !hich is here behind. 7esusL said 5, is there here a ne! !orldK +ure, said he, it is ne"er a jot ne!, but it is commonly reported that, !ithout this, there is an earth, !hereo the inhabitants enjoy the light o a sun and a moon, and that it is ull o and replenished !ith "ery good commoditiesE but yet this is more ancient than that. #ea but, said 5, my riend, !hat is the name o that city !hither thou carriest thy cole!orts to sellK 5t is called *spharage, said he, and all the ind!ellers are Christians, "ery honest men, and !ill make you good cheer. To be brie , 5 resol"ed to go thither. 9o!, in my !ay, 5 met !ith a ello! that !as lying in !ait to catch pigeons, o !hom 5 asked, <y riend, rom !hence come these pigeonsK +ir, said he, they come rom the other !orld. Then 5 thought that, !hen Pantagruel ya!ned, the pigeons !ent into his mouth in !hole locks, thinking that it had been a pigeon$house. Then 5 !ent into the city, !hich 5 ound air, "ery strong, and seated in a good airE but at my entry the guard demanded o me my pass or ticket. ;hereat 5 !as much astonished, and asked them, <y masters, is there any danger o the plague hereK ' %ordL said they, they die hard by here so ast that the cart runs about the streets. Good GodL said 5, and !hereK ;hereunto they ans!ered that it !as in %aryn? and Pharyn?, !hich are t!o great cities such as Rouen and 9antes, rich and o great trading. *nd the cause o the plague !as by a stinking and in ectious e?halation !hich lately "apoured out o the abysms, !hereo there ha"e died abo"e t!o and t!enty hundred and threescore thousand and si?teen persons !ithin this se"ennight. Then 5 considered, calculated, and ound that it !as a rank

and unsa"oury breathing !hich came out o Pantagruel's stomach !hen he did eat so much garlic, as !e ha"e a oresaid. Parting rom thence, 5 passed amongst the rocks, !hich !ere his teeth, and ne"er le t !alking till 5 got up on one o themE and there 5 ound the pleasantest places in the !orld, great large tennis$courts, air galleries, s!eet meado!s, store o "ines, and an in inite number o ban>ueting summer outhouses in the ields, a ter the 5talian ashion, ull o pleasure and delight, !here 5 stayed ull our months, and ne"er made better cheer in my li e as then. * ter that 5 !ent do!n by the hinder teeth to come to the chaps. But in the !ay 5 !as robbed by thie"es in a great orest that is in the territory to!ards the ears. Then, a ter a little urther tra"elling, 5 ell upon a pretty petty "illage$$truly 5 ha"e orgot the name o it$$!here 5 !as yet merrier than e"er, and got some certain money to li"e by. Can you tell ho!K By sleeping. For there they hire men by the day to sleep, and they get by it si?pence a day, but they that can snort hard get at least ninepence. (o! 5 had been robbed in the "alley 5 in ormed the senators, !ho told me that, in "ery truth, the people o that side !ere bad li"ers and naturally thie"ish, !hereby 5 percei"ed !ell that, as !e ha"e !ith us the countries Cisalpine and Transalpine, that is, behither and beyond the mountains, so ha"e they there the countries Cidentine and Tradentine, that is, behither and beyond the teeth. But it is ar better li"ing on this side, and the air is purer. Then 5 began to think that it is "ery true !hich is commonly said, that the one hal o the !orld kno!eth not ho! the other hal li"ethE seeing none be ore mysel had e"er !ritten o that country, !herein are abo"e i"e$and$t!enty kingdoms inhabited, besides deserts, and a great arm o the sea. Concerning !hich purpose 5 ha"e composed a great book, entitled, The (istory o the Throttias, because they d!ell in the throat o my master Pantagruel. *t last 5 !as !illing to return, and, passing by his beard, 5 cast mysel upon his shoulders, and rom thence slid do!n to the ground, and ell be ore him. *s soon as 5 !as percei"ed by him, he asked me, ;hence comest thou, *lco ribasK 5 ans!ered him, 'ut o your mouth, my lord. *nd ho! long hast thou been thereK said he. +ince the time, said 5, that you !ent against the *lmirods. That is about si? months ago, said he. *nd !here!ith didst thou li"eK ;hat didst thou drinkK 5 ans!ered, <y lord, o the same that you did, and o the daintiest morsels that passed through your throat 5 took toll. #ea but, said he, !here didst thou shiteK 5n your throat, my lord, said 5. (a, haL thou art a merry ello!, said he. ;e ha"e !ith the help o God con>uered all the land o the )ipsodesE 5 !ill gi"e thee the Chastelleine, or %airdship o +almigondin. Gramercy, my lord, said 5, you grati y me beyond all that 5 ha"e deser"ed o you.

Chapter -.III555. (o! Pantagruel became sick, and the manner ho! he !as reco"ered. * !hile a ter this the good Pantagruel ell sick, and had such an obstruction in his stomach that he could neither eat nor drinkE and, because mischie seldom comes alone, a hot piss seiHed on him, !hich tormented him more than you !ould belie"e. (is physicians ne"ertheless helped him "ery !ell, and !ith store o leniti"es and diuretic drugs made him piss a!ay his pain. (is urine !as so hot that since that time it is not yet cold, and you ha"e o it in di"ers places o France, according to

the course that it took, and they are called the hot baths, as$$ *t Coderets. *t %imous. *t )ast. *t Baller"ie @BallerucD. *t 9eric. *t Bourbonansie, and else!here in 5taly. *t <ongros. *t *ppone. *t +ancto Petro de Padua. *t +t. (elen. *t Casa 9uo"a. *t +t. Bartholome!, in the county o Boulogne. *t the Porrette, and a thousand other places. *nd 5 !onder much at a rabble o oolish philosophers and physicians, !ho spend their time in disputing !hence the heat o the said !aters cometh, !hether it be by reason o bora?, or sulphur, or alum, or saltpetre, that is !ithin the mine. For they do nothing but dote, and better !ere it or them to rub their arse against a thistle than to !aste a!ay their time thus in disputing o that !hereo they kno! not the originalE or the resolution is easy, neither need !e to in>uire any urther than that the said baths came by a hot piss o the good Pantagruel. 9o! to tell you a ter !hat manner he !as cured o his principal disease. 5 let pass ho! or a minorati"e or gentle potion he took our hundred pound !eight o colophoniac scammony, si? score and eighteen cartloads o cassia, an ele"en thousand and nine hundred pound !eight o rhubarb, besides other con use jumblings o sundry drugs. #ou must understand that by the ad"ice o the physicians it !as ordained that !hat did o end his stomach should be taken a!ayE and there ore they made se"enteen great balls o copper, each !hereo !as bigger than that !hich is to be seen on the top o +t. Peter's needle at Rome, and in such sort that they did open in the midst and shut !ith a spring. 5nto one o them entered one o his men carrying a lantern and a torch lighted, and so Pantagruel s!allo!ed him do!n like a little pill. 5nto se"en others !ent se"en country$ ello!s, ha"ing e"ery one o them a sho"el on his neck. 5nto nine others entered nine !ood$carriers, ha"ing each o them a basket hung at his neck, and so !ere they s!allo!ed do!n like pills. ;hen they !ere in his stomach, e"ery one undid his spring, and came out o their cabins. The irst !hereo !as he that carried the lantern, and so they ell more than hal a league into a most horrible gul , more stinking and in ectious than e"er !as <ephitis, or the marshes o the Camerina, or the abominably unsa"oury lake o +orbona, !hereo +trabo maketh mention. *nd had it not been that they had "ery !ell antidoted their stomach, heart, and !ine$pot, !hich is called the noddle, they had been altogether su ocated and choked !ith these detestable "apours. ' !hat a per umeL ' !hat an e"aporation !here!ith to be!ray the masks or mu lers o young mangy >ueans. * ter that, !ith groping and smelling they came near to the aecal matter and the corrupted humours. Finally, they ound a montjoy or heap o ordure and ilth. Then ell the pioneers to !ork to dig it up, and the rest !ith their sho"els illed the basketsE and !hen all !as cleansed e"ery one retired himsel into his ball. This done, Pantagruel en orcing himsel to "omit, "ery easily brought them out, and they made no more sho! in his mouth than a art in yours. But, !hen they came merrily out o their pills, 5 thought upon the Grecians

coming out o the Trojan horse. By this means !as he healed and brought unto his ormer state and con"alescenceE and o these braHen pills, or rather copper balls, you ha"e one at 'rleans, upon the steeple o the (oly Cross Church.

Chapter -.III5=. The conclusion o this present book, and the e?cuse o the author. 9o!, my masters, you ha"e heard a beginning o the horri ic history o my lord and master Pantagruel. (ere !ill 5 make an end o the irst book. <y head aches a little, and 5 percei"e that the registers o my brain are some!hat jumbled and disordered !ith this +eptembral juice. #ou shall ha"e the rest o the history at Frank ort mart ne?t coming, and there shall you see ho! Panurge !as married and made a cuckold !ithin a month a ter his !eddingE ho! Pantagruel ound out the philosopher's stone, the manner ho! he ound it, and the !ay ho! to use itE ho! he passed o"er the Caspian mountains, and ho! he sailed through the *tlantic sea, de eated the Cannibals, and con>uered the isles o PearlsE ho! he married the daughter o the :ing o 5ndia, called PresthanE ho! he ought against the de"il and burnt up i"e chambers o hell, ransacked the great black chamber, thre! Proserpina into the ire, broke i"e teeth to %uci er, and the horn that !as in his arseE ho! he "isited the regions o the moon to kno! !hether indeed the moon !ere not entire and !hole, or i the !omen had three >uarters o it in their heads, and a thousand other little merriments all "eritable. These are bra"e things truly. Good night, gentlemen. Perdonate mi, and think not so much upon my aults that you orget your o!n. 5 you say to me, <aster, it !ould seem that you !ere not "ery !ise in !riting to us these lim lam stories and pleasant ooleriesE 5 ans!er you, that you are not much !iser to spend your time in reading them. 9e"ertheless, i you read them to make yoursel"es merry, as in manner o pastime 5 !rote them, you and 5 both are ar more !orthy o pardon than a great rabble o s>uint$minded ello!s, dissembling and counter eit saints, demure lookers, hypocrites, pretended Healots, tough riars, buskin$monks, and other such sects o men, !ho disguise themsel"es like mas>uers to decei"e the !orld. For, !hilst they gi"e the common people to understand that they are busied about nothing but contemplation and de"otion in astings and maceration o their sensuality$$and that only to sustain and aliment the small railty o their humanity$$it is so ar other!ise that, on the contrary, God kno!s !hat cheer they makeE 1t Curios simulant, sed Bacchanalia "i"unt. #ou may read it in great letters in the colouring o their red snouts, and gulching bellies as big as a tun, unless it be !hen they per ume themsel"es !ith sulphur. *s or their study, it is !holly taken up in reading o Pantagruelian books, not so much to pass the time merrily as to hurt someone or other mischie"ously, to !it, in articling, sole$articling, !ry$necki ying, buttock$stirring, ballocking, and diabliculating, that is, calumniating. ;herein they are like unto the poor rogues o a "illage that are busy in stirring up and scraping in the ordure and ilth o little children, in the season o cherries and guinds, and that only to ind the kernels, that they may sell them to the druggists to make thereo pomander oil. Fly rom these men, abhor and hate them as much as 5 do, and upon my aith you !ill ind yoursel"es the better or it. *nd i you desire to be good Pantagruelists, that is to say, to li"e in peace,

joy, health, making yoursel"es al!ays merry, ne"er trust those men that al!ays peep out at one hole. 1nd o Book 55.

B'': 555. T(1 T(5R) B'': Francois Rabelais to the +oul o the )eceased Jueen o 9a"arre. *bstracted soul, ra"ished !ith ecstasies, Gone back, and no! amiliar in the skies, Thy ormer host, thy body, lea"ing >uite, ;hich to obey thee al!ays took delight,$$ 'bse>uious, ready,$$no! rom motion ree, +enseless, and as it !ere in apathy, ;ouldst thou not issue orth or a short space, From that di"ine, eternal, hea"enly place, To see the third part, in this earthy cell, ' the bra"e acts o good PantagruelK

The *uthor's Prologue. Good people, most illustrious drinkers, and you, thrice precious gouty gentlemen, did you e"er see )iogenes, and cynic philosopherK 5 you ha"e seen him, you then had your eyes in your head, or 5 am "ery much out o my understanding and logical sense. 5t is a gallant thing to see the clearness o @!ine, gold,D the sun. 5'll be judged by the blind born so reno!ned in the sacred +criptures, !ho, ha"ing at his choice to ask !hate"er he !ould rom him !ho is *lmighty, and !hose !ord in an instant is e ectually per ormed, asked nothing else but that he might see. 5tem, you are not young, !hich is a competent >uality or you to philosophate more than physically in !ine, not in "ain, and hence or!ards to be o the Bacchic CouncilE to the end that, opining there, you may gi"e your opinion aith ully o the substance, colour, e?cellent odour, eminency, propriety, aculty, "irtue, and e ectual dignity o the said blessed and desired li>uor. 5 you ha"e not seen him, as 5 am easily induced to belie"e that you ha"e not, at least you ha"e heard some talk o him. For through the air, and the !hole e?tent o this hemisphere o the hea"ens, hath his report and ame, e"en until this present time, remained "ery memorable and reno!ned. Then all o you are deri"ed rom the Phrygian blood, i 5 be not decei"ed. 5 you ha"e not so many cro!ns as <idas had, yet ha"e you something, 5 kno! not !hat, o him, !hich the Persians o old esteemed more o in all their otacusts, and !hich !as more desired by the 1mperor *ntonine, and ga"e occasion therea ter to the Basilico at Rohan to be surnamed Goodly 1ars.

5 you ha"e not heard o him, 5 !ill presently tell you a story to make your !ine relish. )rink then,$$so, to the purpose. (earken no! !hilst 5 gi"e you notice, to the end that you may not, like in idels, be by your simplicity abused, that in his time he !as a rare philosopher and the cheer ullest o a thousand. 5 he had some imper ection, so ha"e you, so ha"e !eE or there is nothing, but God, that is per ect. #et so it !as, that by *le?ander the Great, although he had *ristotle or his instructor and domestic, !as he held in such estimation, that he !ished, i he had not been *le?ander, to ha"e been )iogenes the +inopian. ;hen Philip, :ing o <acedon, enterprised the siege and ruin o Corinth, the Corinthians ha"ing recei"ed certain intelligence by their spies that he !ith a numerous army in battle$rank !as coming against them, !ere all o them, not !ithout cause, most terribly a raidE and there ore !ere not neglecti"e o their duty in doing their best endea"ours to put themsel"es in a it posture to resist his hostile approach and de end their o!n city. +ome rom the ields brought into the orti ied places their mo"ables, bestial, corn, !ine, ruit, "ictuals, and other necessary pro"ision. 'thers did orti y and rampire their !alls, set up little ortresses, bastions, s>uared ra"elins, digged trenches, cleansed countermines, enced themsel"es !ith gabions, contri"ed plat orms, emptied casemates, barricaded the alse brays, erected the ca"aliers, repaired the counterscarps, plastered the curtains, lengthened ra"elins, stopped parapets, morticed barbacans, assured the portcullises, astened the herses, sarasines>ues, and cataracts, placed their sentries, and doubled their patrol. 1"eryone did !atch and !ard, and not one !as e?empted rom carrying the basket. +ome polished corslets, "arnished backs and breasts, cleaned the headpieces, mail$coats, brigandines, salads, helmets, morions, jacks, gushets, gorgets, hoguines, brassars, and cuissars, corslets, haubergeons, shields, bucklers, targets, grea"es, gauntlets, and spurs. 'thers made ready bo!s, slings, crossbo!s, pellets, catapults, migrains or ire$balls, irebrands, balists, scorpions, and other such !arlike engines e?pugnatory and destructi"e to the (ellepolides. They sharpened and prepared spears, sta"es, pikes, bro!n bills, halberds, long hooks, lances, Hagayes, >uartersta"es, eelspears, partisans, troutsta"es, clubs, battle$a?es, maces, darts, dartlets, glai"es, ja"elins, ja"elots, and truncheons. They set edges upon scimitars, cutlasses, badelairs, backs!ords, tucks, rapiers, bayonets, arro!$heads, dags, daggers, mandousians, poniards, !hinyards, kni"es, skeans, shables, chipping kni"es, and raillons. 1"ery man e?ercised his !eapon, e"ery man scoured o the rust rom his natural hangerE nor !as there a !oman amongst them, though ne"er so reser"ed or old, !ho made not her harness to be !ell urbishedE as you kno! the Corinthian !omen o old !ere reputed "ery courageous combatants. )iogenes seeing them all so !arm at !ork, and himsel not employed by the magistrates in any business !hatsoe"er, he did "ery seriously, or many days together, !ithout speaking one !ord, consider and contemplate the countenance o his ello!$citiHens. Then on a sudden, as i he had been roused up and inspired by a martial spirit, he girded his cloak scar !ise about his le t arm, tucked up his slee"es to the elbo!, trussed himsel like a clo!n gathering apples, and, gi"ing to one o his old ac>uaintance his !allet, books, and opistographs, a!ay !ent he out o to!n to!ards a little hill or promontory o Corinth

called @theD CranieE and there on the strand, a pretty le"el place, did he roll his jolly tub, !hich ser"ed him or a house to shelter him rom the injuries o the !eather& there, 5 say, in a great "ehemency o spirit, did he turn it, "eer it, !heel it, !hirl it, risk it, jumble it, shu le it, huddle it, tumble it, hurry it, jolt it, justle it, o"erthro! it, e"ert it, in"ert it, sub"ert it, o"erturn it, beat it, th!ack it, bump it, batter it, knock it, thrust it, push it, jerk it, shock it, shake it, toss it, thro! it, o"erthro! it, upside do!n, topsy$tur"y, arsitur"y, tread it, trample it, stamp it, tap it, ting it, ring it, tingle it, to!l it, sound it, resound it, stop it, shut it, unbung it, close it, unstopple it. *nd then again in a mighty bustle he bandied it, slubbered it, hacked it, !hittled it, !ayed it, darted it, hurled it, staggered it, reeled it, s!inged it, brangled it, tottered it, li ted it, hea"ed it, trans ormed it, trans igured it, transposed it, transplaced it, reared it, raised it, hoised it, !ashed it, dighted it, cleansed it, rinsed it, nailed it, settled it, astened it, shackled it, ettered it, le"elled it, blocked it, tugged it, te!ed it, carried it, bedashed it, be!rayed it, parched it, mounted it, broached it, nicked it, notched it, bespattered it, decked it, adorned it, trimmed it, garnished it, gauged it, urnished it, bored it, pierced it, trapped it, rumbled it, slid it do!n the hill, and precipitated it rom the "ery height o the CranieE then rom the oot to the top @like another +isyphus !ith his stoneD bore it up again, and e"ery !ay so banged it and belaboured it that it !as ten thousand to one he had not struck the bottom o it out. ;hich !hen one o his riends had seen, and asked him !hy he did so toil his body, perple? his spirit, and torment his tub, the philosopher's ans!er !as that, not being employed in any other charge by the Republic, he thought it e?pedient to thunder and storm it so tempestuously upon his tub, that amongst a people so er"ently busy and earnest at !ork he alone might not seem a loitering slug and laHy ello!. To the same purpose may 5 say o mysel , Though 5 be rid rom ear, 5 am not "oid o care. For, percei"ing no account to be made o me to!ards the discharge o a trust o any great concernment, and considering that through all the parts o this most noble kingdom o France, both on this and on the other side o the mountains, e"eryone is most diligently e?ercised and busied, some in the orti ying o their o!n nati"e country or its de ence, others in the repulsing o their enemies by an o ensi"e !arE and all this !ith a policy so e?cellent and such admirable order, so mani estly pro itable or the uture, !hereby France shall ha"e its rontiers most magni ically enlarged, and the French assured o a long and !ell$grounded peace, that "ery little !ithholds me rom the opinion o good (eraclitus, !hich a irmeth !ar to be the ather o all good thingsE and there ore do 5 belie"e that !ar is in %atin called bellum, not by antiphrasis, as some patchers o old rusty %atin !ould ha"e us to think, because in !ar there is little beauty to be seen, but absolutely and simplyE or that in !ar appeareth all that is good and grace ul, and that by the !ars is purged out all manner o !ickedness and de ormity. For proo !hereo the !ise and paci ic +olomon could no better represent the unspeakable per ection o the di"ine !isdom, than by comparing it to the due disposure and ranking o an army in battle array, !ell pro"ided and ordered. There ore, by reason o my !eakness and inability, being reputed by my

compatriots un it or the o ensi"e part o !ar areE and on the other side, being no !ay employed in matter o the de ensi"e, although it had been but to carry burthens, ill ditches, or break clods, either !hereo had been to me indi erent, 5 held it not a little disgrace ul to be only an idle spectator o so many "alorous, elo>uent, and !arlike persons, !ho in the "ie! and sight o all 1urope act this notable interlude or tragi$comedy, and not make some e ort to!ards the per ormance o this, nothing at all remains or me to be done @'*nd not e?ert mysel , and contribute thereto this nothing, my all, !hich remained or me to do.'$$'Hell.D. 5n my opinion, little honour is due to such as are mere lookers$on, liberal o their eyes, and o their cro!ns, and hide their sil"erE scratching their head !ith one inger like grumbling puppies, gaping at the lies like tithe cal"esE clapping do!n their ears like *rcadian asses at the melody o musicians, !ho !ith their "ery countenances in the depth o silence e?press their consent to the prosopopoeia. (a"ing made this choice and election, it seemed to me that my e?ercise therein !ould be neither unpro itable nor troublesome to any, !hilst 5 should thus set a$going my )iogenical tub, !hich is all that is le t me sa e rom the ship!reck o my ormer mis ortunes. *t this dingle dangle !agging o my tub, !hat !ould you ha"e me to doK By the =irgin that tucks up her slee"e, 5 kno! not as yet. +tay a little, till 5 suck up a draught o this bottleE it is my true and only (eliconE it is my Caballine ountainE it is my sole enthusiasm. )rinking thus, 5 meditate, discourse, resol"e, and conclude. * ter that the epilogue is made, 5 laugh, 5 !rite, 5 compose, and drink again. 1nnius drinking !rote, and !riting drank. *eschylus, i Plutarch in his +ymposiacs merit any aith, drank composing, and drinking composed. (omer ne"er !rote asting, and Cato ne"er !rote till a ter he had drunk. These passages 5 ha"e brought be ore you to the end you may not say that 5 li"ed !ithout the e?ample o men !ell praised and better priHed. 5t is good and resh enough, e"en as i you !ould say it is entering upon the second degree. God, the good God +abaoth, that is to say, the God o armies, be praised or it eternallyL 5 you a ter the same manner !ould take one great draught, or t!o little ones, !hilst you ha"e your go!n about you, 5 truly ind no kind o incon"eniency in it, pro"ided you send up to God or all some small scantling o thanks. +ince then my luck or destiny is such as you ha"e heard$$ or it is not or e"erybody to go to Corinth$$5 am ully resol"ed to be so little idle and unpro itable, that 5 !ill set mysel to ser"e the one and the other sort o people. *mongst the diggers, pioneers, and rampire$builders, 5 !ill do as did 9eptune and *pollo at Troy under %aomedon, or as did Renault o <ontauban in his latter days& 5 !ill ser"e the masons, 5'll set on the pot to boil or the bricklayersE and, !hilst the minced meat is making ready at the sound o my small pipe, 5'll measure the muHHle o the musing dotards. Thus did *mphion !ith the melody o his harp ound, build, and inish the great and reno!ned city o Thebes. For the use o the !arriors 5 am about to broach o ne! my barrel to gi"e them a taste @!hich by t!o ormer "olumes o mine, i by the deceit ulness and alsehood o printers they had not been jumbled, marred, and spoiled, you !ould ha"e "ery !ell relishedD, and dra! unto them, o the gro!th o our o!n trippery pastimes, a gallant third part o a gallon, and conse>uently a jolly cheer ul >uart o Pantagruelic sentences, !hich you may la! ully call, i you please, )iogenical& and shall ha"e me, seeing 5 cannot be their ello!$soldier, or their aith ul butler, re reshing and

cheering, according to my little po!er, their return rom the alarms o the enemyE as also or an inde atigable e?toller o their martial e?ploits and glorious achie"ements. 5 shall not ail therein, par lapathium acutum de dieuE i <ars ail not in %ent, !hich the cunning lecher, 5 !arrant you, !ill be loth to do. 5 remember ne"ertheless to ha"e read, that Ptolemy, the son o %agus, one day, amongst the many spoils and booties !hich by his "ictories he had ac>uired, presenting to the 1gyptians, in the open "ie! o the people, a Bactrian camel all black, and a party$coloured sla"e, in such sort as that the one hal o his body !as black and the other !hite, not in partition o breadth by the diaphragma, as !as that !oman consecrated to the 5ndian =enus !hom the Tyanean philosopher did see bet!een the ri"er (ydaspes and <ount Caucasus, but in a perpendicular dimension o altitudeE !hich !ere things ne"er be ore that seen in 1gypt. (e e?pected by the sho! o these no"elties to !in the lo"e o the people. But !hat happened thereuponK *t the production o the camel they !ere all a righted, and o ended at the sight o the party$coloured man$$some sco ed at him as a detestable monster brought orth by the error o natureE in a !ord, o the hope !hich he had to please these 1gyptians, and by such means to increase the a ection !hich they naturally bore him, he !as altogether rustrate and disappointedE understanding ully by their deportments that they took more pleasure and delight in things that !ere proper, handsome, and per ect, than in misshapen, monstrous, and ridiculous creatures. +ince !hich time he had both the sla"e and the camel in such dislike, that "ery shortly therea ter, either through negligence, or or !ant o ordinary sustenance, they did e?change their li e !ith death. This e?ample putteth me in a suspense bet!een hope and ear, misdoubting that, or the contentment !hich 5 aim at, 5 !ill but reap !hat shall be most distaste ul to me& my cake !ill be dough, and or my =enus 5 shall ha"e but some de ormed puppy& instead o ser"ing them, 5 shall but "e? them, and o end them !hom 5 purpose to e?hilarateE resembling in this dubious ad"enture 1uclion's cook, so reno!ned by Plautus in his Pot, and by *usonius in his Griphon, and by di"ers othersE !hich cook, or ha"ing by his scraping disco"ered a treasure, had his hide !ell curried. Put the case 5 get no anger by it, though ormerly such things ell out, and the like may occur again. #et, by (erculesL it !ill not. +o 5 percei"e in them all one and the same speci ical orm, and the like indi"idual properties, !hich our ancestors called PantagruelismE by "irtue !hereo they !ill bear !ith anything that lo!eth rom a good, ree, and loyal heart. 5 ha"e seen them ordinarily take good!ill in part o payment, and remain satis ied there!ith !hen one !as not able to do better. (a"ing despatched this point, 5 return to my barrel. 8p, my lads, to this !ine, spare it notL )rink, boys, and tro!l it o at ull bo!lsL 5 you do not think it good, let it alone. 5 am not like those o icious and importunate sots, !ho by orce, outrage, and "iolence, constrain an easy good$natured ello! to !hi le, >ua , carouse, and !hat is !orse. *ll honest tipplers, all honest gouty men, all such as are a$dry, coming to this little barrel o mine, need not drink thereo i it please them notE but i they ha"e a mind to it, and that the !ine pro"e agreeable to the tastes o their !orship ul !orships, let them drink, rankly, reely, and boldly, !ithout paying anything, and !elcome. This is my decree, my statute and ordinance. *nd let none ear there shall be any !ant o !ine, as at the marriage o

Cana in GalileeE or ho! much soe"er you shall dra! orth at the aucet, so much shall 5 tun in at the bung. Thus shall the barrel remain ine?haustibleE it hath a li"ely spring and perpetual current. +uch !as the be"erage contained !ithin the cup o Tantalus, !hich !as igurati"ely represented amongst the Brachman sages. +uch !as in 5beria the mountain o salt so highly !ritten o by Cato. +uch !as the branch o gold consecrated to the subterranean goddess, !hich =irgil treats o so sublimely. 5t is a true cornucopia o merriment and raillery. 5 at any time it seem to you to be emptied to the "ery lees, yet shall it not or all that be dra!n !holly dry. Good hope remains there at the bottom, as in Pandora's bottleE and not despair, as in the puncheon o the )anaids. Remark !ell !hat 5 ha"e said, and !hat manner o people they be !hom 5 do in"iteE or, to the end that none be decei"ed, 5, in imitation o %ucilius, !ho did protest that he !rote only to his o!n Tarentines and Consentines, ha"e not pierced this "essel or any else but you honest men, !ho are drinkers o the irst edition, and gouty blades o the highest degree. The great dorophages, bribe$mongers, ha"e on their hands occupation enough, and enough on the hooks or their "enison. There may they ollo! their preyE here is no garbage or them. #ou petti oggers, garblers, and masters o chicanery, speak not to me, 5 beseech you, in the name o , and or the re"erence you bear to the our hips that engendered you and to the >uickening peg !hich at that time conjoined them. *s or hypocrites, much lessE although they !ere all o them unsound in body, pocki ied, scur"y, urnished !ith un>uenchable thirst and insatiable eating. @*nd !here oreKD Because indeed they are not o good but o e"il, and o that e"il rom !hich !e daily pray to God to deli"er us. *nd albeit !e see them sometimes counter eit de"otion, yet ne"er did old ape make pretty moppet. (ence, masti sE dogs in a doublet, get you behindE aloo , "illains, out o my sunshineE curs, to the de"ilL )o you jog hither, !agging your tails, to pant at my !ine, and bepiss my barrelK %ook, here is the cudgel !hich )iogenes, in his last !ill, ordained to be set by him a ter his death, or beating a!ay, crushing the reins, and breaking the backs o these bustuary hobgoblins and Cerberian hellhounds. Pack you hence, there ore, you hypocrites, to your sheep$dogsE get you gone, you dissemblers, to the de"ilL (ayL ;hat, are you there yetK 5 renounce my part o Papimanie, i 5 snatch you, Grr, Grrr, Grrrrrr. *"aunt, a"auntL ;ill you not be goneK <ay you ne"er shit till you be soundly lashed !ith stirrup leather, ne"er piss but by the strapado, nor be other!ise !armed than by the bastinado.

T(1 T(5R) B'':. Chapter C.5. (o! Pantagruel transported a colony o 8topians into )ipsody. Pantagruel, ha"ing !holly subdued the land o )ipsody, transported thereunto a colony o 8topians, to the number o F,,GA,B/C,-3. men, besides the !omen and little children, arti icers o all trades, and pro essors o all sciences, to people, culti"ate, and impro"e that country, !hich other!ise !as ill inhabited, and in the greatest part thereo but a mere desert and !ildernessE and did transport them @notD so much or the

e?cessi"e multitude o men and !omen, !hich !ere in 8topia multiplied, or number, like grasshoppers upon the ace o the land. #ou understand !ell enough, nor is it need ul urther to e?plain it to you, that the 8topian men had so rank and ruit ul genitories, and that the 8topian !omen carried matri?es so ample, so gluttonous, so tenaciously retenti"e, and so architectonically cellulated, that at the end o e"ery ninth month se"en children at the least, !hat male !hat emale, !ere brought orth by e"ery married !oman, in imitation o the people o 5srael in 1gypt, i *nthony @9icholasD de %yra be to be trusted. 9or yet !as this transplantation made so much or the ertility o the soil, the !holesomeness o the air, or commodity o the country o )ipsody, as to retain that rebellious people !ithin the bounds o their duty and obedience, by this ne! transport o his ancient and most aith ul subjects, !ho, rom all time out o mind, ne"er kne!, ackno!ledged, o!ned, or ser"ed any other so"ereign lord but himE and !ho like!ise, rom the "ery instant o their birth, as soon as they !ere entered into this !orld, had, !ith the milk o their mothers and nurses, sucked in the s!eetness, humanity, and mildness o his go"ernment, to !hich they !ere all o them so nourished and habituated, that there !as nothing surer than that they !ould sooner abandon their li"es than s!er"e rom this singular and primiti"e obedience naturally due to their prince, !hithersoe"er they should be dispersed or remo"ed. *nd not only should they, and their children successi"ely descending rom their blood, be such, but also !ould keep and maintain in this same ealty and obse>uious obser"ance all the nations lately anne?ed to his empireE !hich so truly came to pass that therein he !as not disappointed o his intent. For i the 8topians !ere be ore their transplantation thither duti ul and aith ul subjects, the )ipsodes, a ter some e! days con"ersing !ith them, !ere e"ery !hit as, i not more, loyal than theyE and that by "irtue o 5 kno! not !hat natural er"ency incident to all human creatures at the beginning o any labour !herein they take delight& solemnly attesting the hea"ens and supreme intelligences o their being only sorry that no sooner unto their kno!ledge had arri"ed the great reno!n o the good Pantagruel. Remark there ore here, honest drinkers, that the manner o preser"ing and retaining countries ne!ly con>uered in obedience is not, as hath been the erroneous opinion o some tyrannical spirits to their o!n detriment and dishonour, to pillage, plunder, orce, spoil, trouble, oppress, "e?, dis>uiet, ruin and destroy the people, ruling, go"erning and keeping them in a!e !ith rods o ironE and, in a !ord, eating and de"ouring them, a ter the ashion that (omer calls an unjust and !icked king, )emoboron, that is to say, a de"ourer o his people. 5 !ill not bring you to this purpose the testimony o ancient !riters. 5t shall su ice to put you in mind o !hat your athers ha"e seen thereo , and yoursel"es too, i you be not "ery babes. 9e!born, they must be gi"en suck to, rocked in a cradle, and dandled. Trees ne!ly planted must be supported, underpropped, strengthened and de ended against all tempests, mischie s, injuries, and calamities. *nd one lately sa"ed rom a long and dangerous sickness, and ne! upon his reco"ery, must be orborn, spared, and cherished, in such sort that they may harbour in their o!n breasts this opinion, that there is not in the !orld a king or a prince !ho does not desire e!er enemies and more riends. Thus 'siris, the great king o the 1gyptians, con>uered almost the !hole earth, not so much by orce o arms as by easing the people o their troubles, teaching them ho! to li"e !ell, and honestly gi"ing them good la!s, and using them !ith all possible

a ability, courtesy, gentleness, and liberality. There ore !as he by all men deser"edly entitled the Great :ing 1uergetes, that is to say, Bene actor, !hich style he obtained by "irtue o the command o 7upiter to @oneD Pamyla. *nd in e ect, (esiod, in his (ierarchy, placed the good demons @call them angels i you !ill, or geniuses,D as intercessors and mediators bet!i?t the gods and men, they being o a degree in erior to the gods, but superior to men. *nd or that through their hands the riches and bene its !e get rom hea"en are dealt to us, and that they are continually doing us good and still protecting us rom e"il, he saith that they e?ercise the o ices o kingsE because to do al!ays good, and ne"er ill, is an act most singularly royal. 7ust such another !as the emperor o the uni"erse, *le?ander the <acedonian. * ter this manner !as (ercules so"ereign possessor o the !hole continent, relie"ing men rom monstrous oppressions, e?actions, and tyranniesE go"erning them !ith discretion, maintaining them in e>uity and justice, instructing them !ith seasonable policies and !holesome la!s, con"enient or and suitable to the soil, climate, and disposition o the country, supplying !hat !as !anting, abating !hat !as super luous, and pardoning all that !as past, !ith a sempiternal orget ulness o all preceding o ences, as !as the amnesty o the *thenians, !hen by the pro!ess, "alour, and industry o Thrasybulus the tyrants !ere e?terminatedE a ter!ards at Rome by Cicero e?posed, and rene!ed under the 1mperor *urelian. These are the philtres, allurements, iynges, in"eiglements, baits, and enticements o lo"e, by the means !hereo that may be peaceably re"i"ed !hich !as pain ully ac>uired. 9or can a con>ueror reign more happily, !hether he be a monarch, emperor, king, prince, or philosopher, than by making his justice to second his "alour. (is "alour sho!s itsel in "ictory and con>uestE his justice !ill appear in the good!ill and a ection o the people, !hen he maketh la!s, publisheth ordinances, establisheth religion, and doth !hat is right to e"eryone, as the noble poet =irgil !rites o 'cta"ian *ugustus& =ictor>ue "olentes Per populos dat jura. There ore is it that (omer in his 5liads calleth a good prince and great king :osmetora laon, that is, the ornament o the people. +uch !as the consideration o 9uma Pompilius, the second king o the Romans, a just politician and !ise philosopher, !hen he ordained that to god Terminus, on the day o his esti"al called Terminales, nothing should be sacri iced that had diedE teaching us thereby that the bounds, limits, and rontiers o kingdoms should be guarded, and preser"ed in peace, amity, and meekness, !ithout polluting our hands !ith blood and robbery. ;ho doth other!ise, shall not only lose !hat he hath gained, but also be loaded !ith this scandal and reproach, that he is an unjust and !icked purchaser, and his ac>uests perish !ith himE 7u?ta illud, male parta, male dilabuntur. *nd although during his !hole li etime he should ha"e peaceable possession thereo , yet i !hat hath been so ac>uired moulder a!ay in the hands o his heirs, the same opprobry, scandal, and imputation !ill be charged upon the de unct, and his memory remain accursed or his unjust and un!arrantable con>uestE 7u?ta illud, de male >uaesitis "i? gaudet tertius haeres. Remark, like!ise, gentlemen, you gouty eo ees, in this main point !orthy

o your obser"ation, ho! by these means Pantagruel o one angel made t!o, !hich !as a contingency opposite to the counsel o Charlemagne, !ho made t!o de"ils o one !hen he transplanted the +a?ons into Flanders and the Flemings into +a?ony. For, not being able to keep in such subjection the +a?ons, !hose dominion he had joined to the empire, but that e"er and anon they !ould break orth into open rebellion i he should casually be dra!n into +pain or other remote kingdoms, he caused them to be brought unto his o!n country o Flanders, the inhabitants !hereo did naturally obey him, and transported the (ainaults and Flemings, his ancient lo"ing subjects, into +a?ony, not mistrusting their loyalty no! that they !ere transplanted into a strange land. But it happened that the +a?ons persisted in their rebellion and primiti"e obstinacy, and the Flemings d!elling in +a?ony did imbibe the stubborn manners and conditions o the +a?ons.

Chapter C.55. (o! Panurge !as made %aird o +almigondin in )ipsody, and did !aste his re"enue be ore it came in. ;hilst Pantagruel !as gi"ing order or the go"ernment o all )ipsody, he assigned to Panurge the lairdship o +almigondin, !hich !as yearly !orth A,G,F,3.A,G,F reals o certain rent, besides the uncertain re"enue o the locusts and peri!inkles, amounting, one year !ith another, to the "alue o /CB,GA,, or -,/CB,GAF French cro!ns o Berry. +ometimes it did amount to 3,-C.,BB/,C-3 seraphs, !hen it !as a good year, and that locusts and peri!inkles !ere in re>uestE but that !as not e"ery year. 9o! his !orship, the ne! laird, husbanded this his estate so pro"idently !ell and prudently, that in less than ourteen days he !asted and dilapidated all the certain and uncertain re"enue o his lairdship or three !hole years. #et did not he properly dilapidate it, as you might say, in ounding o monasteries, building o churches, erecting o colleges, and setting up o hospitals, or casting his bacon$ litches to the dogsE but spent it in a thousand little ban>uets and jolly collations, keeping open house or all comers and goersE yea, to all good ello!s, young girls, and pretty !enchesE elling timber, burning great logs or the sale o the ashes, borro!ing money be orehand, buying dear, selling cheap, and eating his corn, as it !ere, !hilst it !as but grass. Pantagruel, being ad"ertised o this his la"ishness, !as in good sooth no !ay o ended at the matter, angry nor sorryE or 5 once told you, and again tell it you, that he !as the best, little, great goodman that e"er girded a s!ord to his side. (e took all things in good part, and interpreted e"ery action to the best sense. (e ne"er "e?ed nor dis>uieted himsel !ith the least pretence o dislike to anything, because he kne! that he must ha"e most grossly abandoned the di"ine mansion o reason i he had permitted his mind to be ne"er so little grie"ed, a licted, or altered at any occasion !hatsoe"er. For all the goods that the hea"en co"ereth, and that the earth containeth, in all their dimensions o height, depth, breadth, and length, are not o so much !orth as that !e should or them disturb or disorder our a ections, trouble or perple? our senses or spirits. (e dre! only Panurge aside, and then, making to him a s!eet remonstrance and mild admonition, "ery gently represented be ore him in strong arguments, that, i he should continue in such an unthri ty course o

li"ing, and not become a better mesnagier, it !ould pro"e altogether impossible or him, or at least hugely di icult, at any time to make him rich. RichL ans!ered PanurgeE ha"e you i?ed your thoughts thereK (a"e you undertaken the task to enrich me in this !orldK +et your mind to li"e merrily, in the name o God and good olksE let no other cark nor care be harboured !ithin the sacrosancti ied domicile o your celestial brain. <ay the calmness and tran>uillity thereo be ne"er incommodated !ith, or o"ershado!ed by any ro!ning clouds o sullen imaginations and displeasing annoyanceL For i you li"e joy ul, merry, jocund, and glad, 5 cannot be but rich enough. 1"erybody cries up thri t, thri t, and good husbandry. But many speak o Robin (ood that ne"er shot in his bo!, and talk o that "irtue o mesnagery !ho kno! not !hat belongs to it. 5t is by me that they must be ad"ised. From me, there ore, take this ad"ertisement and in ormation, that !hat is imputed to me or a "ice hath been done in imitation o the uni"ersity and parliament o Paris, places in !hich is to be ound the true spring and source o the li"ely idea o Pantheology and all manner o justice. %et him be counted a heretic that doubteth thereo , and doth not irmly belie"e it. #et they in one day eat up their bishop, or the re"enue o the bishopric$$is it not all oneK$$ or a !hole year, yea, sometimes or t!o. This is done on the day he makes his entry, and is installed. 9or is there any place or an e?cuseE or he cannot a"oid it, unless he !ould be hooted at and stoned or his parsimony. 5t hath been also esteemed an act lo!ing rom the habit o the our cardinal "irtues. ' prudence in borro!ing money be orehandE or none kno!s !hat may all out. ;ho is able to tell i the !orld shall last yet three yearsK But although it should continue longer, is there any man so oolish as to ha"e the con idence to promise himsel three yearsK ;hat ool so con ident to say, That he shall li"e one other dayK ' commutati"e justice, in buying dear, 5 say, upon trust, and selling goods cheap, that is, or ready money. ;hat says Cato in his Book o (usbandry to this purposeK The ather o a amily, says he, must be a perpetual sellerE by !hich means it is impossible but that at last he shall become rich, i he ha"e o "endible !are enough still ready or sale. ' distributi"e justice it doth partake, in gi"ing entertainment to good $$remark, good$$and gentle ello!s, !hom ortune had ship!recked, like 8lysses, upon the rock o a hungry stomach !ithout pro"ision o sustenanceE and like!ise to the good$$remark, the good$$and young !enches. For, according to the sentence o (ippocrates, #outh is impatient o hunger, chie ly i it be "igorous, li"ely, rolic, brisk, stirring, and bouncing. ;hich !anton lasses !illingly and heartily de"ote themsel"es to the pleasure o honest menE and are in so ar both Platonic and Ciceronian, that they do ackno!ledge their being born into this !orld not to be or themsel"es alone, but that in their proper persons their ac>uaintance may claim one share, and their riends another. The "irtue o ortitude appears therein by the cutting do!n and o"erthro!ing o the great trees, like a second <ilo making ha"oc o the dark orest, !hich did ser"e only to urnish dens, ca"es, and shelter to !ol"es, !ild boars, and o?es, and a ord receptacles, !ithdra!ing corners, and re uges to robbers, thie"es, and murderers, lurking holes and skulking places or cutthroat assassinators, secret obscure shops or coiners o alse money, and sa e retreats or heretics, laying them e"en and le"el

!ith the plain champaign ields and pleasant heathy ground, at the sound o the hautboys and bagpipes playing reeks !ith the high and stately timber, and preparing seats and benches or the e"e o the dread ul day o judgment. 5 ga"e thereby proo o my temperance in eating my corn !hilst it !as but grass, like a hermit eeding upon salads and roots, that, so a ranchising mysel rom the yoke o sensual appetites to the utter disclaiming o their so"ereignty, 5 might the better reser"e some!hat in store or the relie o the lame, blind, crippled, maimed, needy, poor, and !anting !retches. 5n taking this course 5 sa"e the e?pense o the !eed$grubbers, !ho gain money,$$o the reapers in har"est$time, !ho drink lustily, and !ithout !ater,$$o gleaners, !ho !ill e?pect their cakes and bannocks,$$o threshers, !ho lea"e no garlic, scallions, leeks, nor onions in our gardens, by the authority o Thestilis in =irgil,$$and o the millers, !ho are generally thie"es,$$and o the bakers, !ho are little better. 5s this small sa"ing or rugalityK Besides the mischie and damage o the ield$mice, the decay o barns, and the destruction usually made by !easels and other "ermin. ' corn in the blade you may make good green sauce o a light concoction and easy digestion, !hich recreates the brain and e?hilarates the animal spirits, rejoiceth the sight, openeth the appetite, delighteth the taste, com orteth the heart, tickleth the tongue, cheereth the countenance, striking a resh and li"ely colour, strengthening the muscles, tempers the blood, disburdens the midri , re resheth the li"er, disobstructs the spleen, easeth the kidneys, suppleth the reins, >uickens the joints o the back, cleanseth the urine$conduits, dilates the spermatic "essels, shortens the cremasters, purgeth the bladder, pu eth up the genitories, correcteth the prepuce, hardens the nut, and recti ies the member. 5t !ill make you ha"e a current belly to trot, art, dung, piss, sneeHe, cough, spit, belch, spe!, ya!n, snu , blo!, breathe, snort, s!eat, and set taut your Robin, !ith a thousand other rare ad"antages. 5 understand you "ery !ell, says PantagruelE you !ould thereby in er that those o a mean spirit and shallo! capacity ha"e not the skill to spend much in a short time. #ou are not the irst in !hose conceit that heresy hath entered. 9ero maintained it, and abo"e all mortals admired most his uncle Caius Caligula, or ha"ing in a e! days, by a most !onder ully pregnant in"ention, totally spent all the goods and patrimony !hich Tiberius had le t him. But, instead o obser"ing the sumptuous supper$curbing la!s o the Romans $$to !it, the 'rchia, the Fannia, the )idia, the %icinia, the Cornelia, the %epidiana, the *ntia, and o the Corinthians$$by the !hich they !ere inhibited, under pain o great punishment, not to spend more in one year than their annual re"enue did amount to, you ha"e o ered up the oblation o Proter"ia, !hich !as !ith the Romans such a sacri ice as the paschal lamb !as amongst the 7e!s, !herein all that !as eatable !as to be eaten, and the remainder to be thro!n into the ire, !ithout reser"ing anything or the ne?t day. 5 may "ery justly say o you, as Cato did o *lbidius, !ho a ter that he had by a most e?tra"agant e?pense !asted all the means and possessions he had to one only house, he airly set it on ire, that he might the better say, Consummatum est. 1"en just as since his time +t. Thomas *>uinas did, !hen he had eaten up the !hole lamprey, although there !as no necessity in it.

Chapter C.555. (o! Panurge praiseth the debtors and borro!ers. But, >uoth Pantagruel, !hen !ill you be out o debtK *t the ne?t ensuing term o the Greek kalends, ans!ered Panurge, !hen all the !orld shall be content, and that it be your ate to become your o!n heir. The %ord orbid that 5 should be out o debt, as i , indeed, 5 could not be trusted. ;ho lea"es not some lea"en o"er night, !ill hardly ha"e paste the ne?t morning. Be still indebted to somebody or other, that there may be somebody al!ays to pray or you, that the gi"er o all good things may grant unto you a blessed, long, and prosperous li eE earing, i ortune should deal crossly !ith you, that it might be his chance to come short o being paid by you, he !ill al!ays speak good o you in e"ery company, e"er and anon purchase ne! creditors unto youE to the end, that through their means you may make a shi t by borro!ing rom Peter to pay Paul, and !ith other olk's earth ill up his ditch. ;hen o old, in the region o the Gauls, by the institution o the )ruids, the ser"ants, sla"es, and bondmen !ere burnt >uick at the unerals and obse>uies o their lords and masters, had not they ear enough, think you, that their lords and masters should dieK For, per orce, they !ere to die !ith them or company. )id not they incessantly send up their supplications to their great god <ercury, as like!ise unto )is, the ather o !ealth, to lengthen out their days, and to preser"e them long in healthK ;ere not they "ery care ul to entertain them !ell, punctually to look unto them, and to attend them aith ully and circumspectlyK For by those means !ere they to li"e together at least until the hour o death. Belie"e me, your creditors !ith a more er"ent de"otion !ill beseech *lmighty God to prolong your li e, they being o nothing more a raid than that you should dieE or that they are more concerned or the slee"e than the arm, and lo"e sil"er better than their o!n li"es. *s it e"idently appeareth by the usurers o %anderousse, !ho not long since hanged themsel"es because the price o the corn and !ines !as allen by the return o a gracious season. To this Pantagruel ans!ering nothing, Panurge !ent on in his discourse, saying, Truly and in good sooth, sir, !hen 5 ponder my destiny aright, and think !ell upon it, you put me shre!dly to my plunges, and ha"e me at a bay in t!itting me !ith the reproach o my debts and creditors. *nd yet did 5, in this only respect and consideration o being a debtor, esteem mysel !orship ul, re"erend, and ormidable. For against the opinion o most philosophers, that o nothing ariseth nothing, yet, !ithout ha"ing bottomed on so much as that !hich is called the First <atter, did 5 out o nothing become such @aD maker and creator, that 5 ha"e created$$!hatK$$a gay number o air and jolly creditors. 9ay, creditors, 5 !ill maintain it, e"en to the "ery ire itsel e?clusi"ely, are air and goodly creatures. ;ho lendeth nothing is an ugly and !icked creature, and an accursed imp o the in ernal 'ld 9ick. *nd there is made$$!hatK )ebts. * thing most precious and dainty, o great use and anti>uity. )ebts, 5 say, surmounting the number o syllables !hich may result rom the combinations o all the consonants, !ith each o the "o!els hereto ore projected, reckoned, and calculated by the noble Ienocrates. To judge o the per ection o debtors by the numerosity o their creditors is the readiest !ay or entering into the mysteries o practical arithmetic. #ou can hardly imagine ho! glad 5 am, !hen e"ery morning 5 percei"e mysel en"ironed and surrounded !ith brigades o creditors$$humble, a!ning, and ull o their re"erences. *nd !hilst 5 remark that, as 5 look more

a"ourably upon and gi"e a cheer uller countenance to one than to another, the ello! thereupon buildeth a conceit that he shall be the irst despatched and the oremost in the date o payment, and he "alueth my smiles at the rate o ready money, it seemeth unto me that 5 then act and personate the god o the passion o +aumure, accompanied !ith his angels and cherubims. These are my latterers, my soothers, my cla!backs, my smoothers, my parasites, my saluters, my gi"ers o good$morro!s, and perpetual oratorsE !hich makes me "erily think that the supremest height o heroic "irtue described by (esiod consisteth in being a debtor, !herein 5 held the irst degree in my commencement. ;hich dignity, though all human creatures seem to aim at and aspire thereto, e! ne"ertheless, because o the di iculties in the !ay and encumbrances o hard passages, are able to reach it, as is easily percei"able by the ardent desire and "ehement longing harboured in the breast o e"eryone to be still creating more debts and ne! creditors. #et doth it not lie in the po!er o e"eryone to be a debtor. To ac>uire creditors is not at the disposure o each man's arbitrament. #ou ne"ertheless !ould depri"e me o this sublime elicity. #ou ask me !hen 5 !ill be out o debt. ;ell, to go yet urther on, and possibly !orse in your conceit, may +aint Bablin, the good saint, snatch me, i 5 ha"e not all my li etime held debt to be as a union or conjunction o the hea"ens !ith the earth, and the !hole cement !hereby the race o mankind is kept togetherE yea, o such "irtue and e icacy that, 5 say, the !hole progeny o *dam !ould "ery suddenly perish !ithout it. There ore, perhaps, 5 do not think amiss, !hen 5 repute it to be the great soul o the uni"erse, !hich, according to the opinion o the *cademics, "i"i ieth all manner o things. 5n con irmation !hereo , that you may the better belie"e it to be so, represent unto yoursel , !ithout any prejudicacy o spirit, in a clear and serene ancy, the idea and orm o some other !orld than thisE take, i you please, and lay hold on the thirtieth o those !hich the philosopher <etrodorus did enumerate, !herein it is to be supposed there is no debtor or creditor, that is to say, a !orld !ithout debts. There amongst the planets !ill be no regular course, all !ill be in disorder. 7upiter, reckoning himsel to be nothing indebted unto +aturn, !ill go near to detrude him out o his sphere, and !ith the (omeric chain !ill be like to hang up the intelligences, gods, hea"ens, demons, heroes, de"ils, earth and sea, together !ith the other elements. +aturn, no doubt, combining !ith <ars !ill reduce that so disturbed !orld into a chaos o con usion. <ercury then !ould be no more subjected to the other planetsE he !ould scorn to be any longer their Camillus, as he !as o old termed in the 1trurian tongue. For it is to be imagined that he is no !ay a debtor to them. =enus !ill be no more "enerable, because she shall ha"e lent nothing. The moon !ill remain bloody and obscure. For to !hat end should the sun impart unto her any o his lightK (e o!ed her nothing. 9or yet !ill the sun shine upon the earth, nor the stars send do!n any good in luence, because the terrestrial globe hath desisted rom sending up their !onted nourishment by "apours and e?halations, !here!ith (eraclitus said, the +toics pro"ed, Cicero maintained, they !ere cherished and alimented. There !ould like!ise be in such a !orld no manner o symboliHation, alteration, nor transmutation amongst the elementsE or the one !ill not esteem itsel

obliged to the other, as ha"ing borro!ed nothing at all rom it. 1arth then !ill not become !ater, !ater !ill not be changed into air, o air !ill be made no ire, and ire !ill a ord no heat unto the earthE the earth !ill produce nothing but monsters, Titans, giantsE no rain !ill descend upon it, nor light shine thereonE no !ind !ill blo! there, nor !ill there be in it any summer or har"est. %uci er !ill break loose, and issuing orth o the depth o hell, accompanied !ith his uries, iends, and horned de"ils, !ill go about to unnestle and dri"e out o hea"en all the gods, as !ell o the greater as o the lesser nations. +uch a !orld !ithout lending !ill be no better than a dog$kennel, a place o contention and !rangling, more unruly and irregular than that o the rector o ParisE a de"il o an hurlyburly, and more disordered con usion than that o the plagues o )ouay. <en !ill not then salute one anotherE it !ill be but lost labour to e?pect aid or succour rom any, or to cry ire, !ater, murder, or none !ill put to their helping hand. ;hyK (e lent no money, there is nothing due to him. 9obody is concerned in his burning, in his ship!reck, in his ruin, or in his deathE and that because he hitherto had lent nothing, and !ould ne"er therea ter ha"e lent anything. 5n short, Faith, (ope, and Charity !ould be >uite banished rom such a !orld$$ or men are born to relie"e and assist one anotherE and in their stead should succeed and be introduced )e iance, )isdain, and Rancour, !ith the most e?ecrable troop o all e"ils, all imprecations, and all miseries. ;hereupon you !ill think, and that not amiss, that Pandora had there spilt her unlucky bottle. <en unto men !ill be !ol"es, hobthrushers, and goblins @as !ere %ycaon, Bellerophon, 9ebuchodonosorD, plunderers, high!ay robbers, cutthroats, rapparees, murderers, poisoners, assassinators, le!d, !icked, male"olent, pernicious haters, set against e"erybody, like to 5shmael, <etabus, or Timon the *thenian, !ho or that cause !as named <isanthropos, in such sort that it !ould pro"e much more easy in nature to ha"e ish entertained in the air and bullocks ed in the bottom o the ocean, than to support or tolerate a rascally rabble o people that !ill not lend. These ello!s, 5 "o!, do 5 hate !ith a per ect hatredE and i , con orm to the pattern o this grie"ous, pee"ish, and per"erse !orld !hich lendeth nothing, you igure and liken the little !orld, !hich is man, you !ill ind in him a terrible justling coil and clutter. The head !ill not lend the sight o his eyes to guide the eet and handsE the legs !ill re use to bear up the bodyE the hands !ill lea"e o !orking any more or the rest o the membersE the heart !ill be !eary o its continual motion or the beating o the pulse, and !ill no longer lend his assistanceE the lungs !ill !ithdra! the use o their bello!sE the li"er !ill desist rom con"oying any more blood through the "eins or the good o the !holeE the bladder !ill not be indebted to the kidneys, so that the urine thereby !ill be totally stopped. The brains, in the interim, considering this unnatural course, !ill all into a ra"ing dotage, and !ithhold all eeling rom the sine!s and motion rom the muscles. Brie ly, in such a !orld !ithout order and array, o!ing nothing, lending nothing, and borro!ing nothing, you !ould see a more dangerous conspiration than that !hich *esop e?posed in his *pologue. +uch a !orld !ill perish undoubtedlyE and not only perish, but perish "ery >uickly. ;ere it *esculapius himsel , his body !ould immediately rot, and the cha ing soul, ull o indignation, take its light to all the de"ils o hell a ter my money.

Chapter C.5=. Panurge continueth his discourse in the praise o borro!ers and lenders.

'n the contrary, be pleased to represent unto your ancy another !orld, !herein e"eryone lendeth and e"eryone o!eth, all are debtors and all creditors. ' ho! great !ill that harmony be, !hich shall thereby result rom the regular motions o the hea"ensL <ethinks 5 hear it e"ery !hit as !ell as e"er Plato did. ;hat sympathy !ill there be amongst the elementsL ' ho! delectable then unto nature !ill be our o!n !orks and productionsL ;hilst Ceres appeareth laden !ith corn, Bacchus !ith !ines, Flora !ith lo!ers, Pomona !ith ruits, and 7uno air in a clear air, !holesome and pleasant. 5 lose mysel in this high contemplation. Then !ill among the race o mankind peace, lo"e, bene"olence, idelity, tran>uillity, rest, ban>uets, eastings, joy, gladness, gold, sil"er, single money, chains, rings, !ith other !are and cha er o that nature be ound to trot rom hand to hand. 9o suits at la!, no !ars, no stri e, debate, nor !ranglingE none !ill be there a usurer, none !ill be there a pinch$penny, a scrape$good !retch, or churlish hard$hearted re user. Good GodL ;ill not this be the golden age in the reign o +aturnK the true idea o the 'lympic regions, !herein all @otherD "irtues cease, charity alone ruleth, go"erneth, domineereth, and triumphethK *ll !ill be air and goodly people there, all just and "irtuous. ' happy !orldL ' people o that !orld most happyL #ea, thrice and our times blessed is that peopleL 5 think in "ery deed that 5 am amongst them, and s!ear to you, by my good orsooth, that i this glorious a oresaid !orld had a pope, abounding !ith cardinals, that so he might ha"e the association o a sacred college, in the space o "ery e! years you should be sure to see the saints much thicker in the roll, more numerous, !onder$!orking and miri ic, more ser"ices, more "o!s, more sta"es and !a?$candles than are all those in the nine bishoprics o Britany, +t. #"es only e?cepted. Consider, sir, 5 pray you, ho! the noble Patelin, ha"ing a mind to dei y and e?tol e"en to the third hea"ens the ather o ;illiam 7osseaulme, said no more but this, *nd he did lend his goods to those !ho !ere desirous o them. ' the ine sayingL 9o! let our microcosm be ancied con orm to this model in all its membersE lending, borro!ing, and o!ing, that is to say, according to its o!n nature. For nature hath not to any other end created man, but to o!e, borro!, and lendE no greater is the harmony amongst the hea"enly spheres than that !hich shall be ound in its !ell$ordered policy. The intention o the ounder o this microcosm is, to ha"e a soul therein to be entertained, !hich is lodged there, as a guest !ith its host, @thatD it may li"e there or a !hile. %i e consisteth in blood, blood is the seat o the soulE there ore the chie est !ork o the microcosm is, to be making blood continually. *t this orge are e?ercised all the members o the bodyE none is e?empted rom labour, each operates apart, and doth its proper o ice. *nd such is their heirarchy, that perpetually the one borro!s rom the other, the one lends the other, and the one is the other's debtor. The stu and matter con"enient, !hich nature gi"eth to be turned into blood, is bread and !ine. *ll kind o nourishing "ictuals is understood to be comprehended in these t!o, and rom hence in the Gothish tongue is called companage. To ind out this meat and drink, to prepare and boil it, the hands are put to !ork, the eet do !alk and bear up the !hole bulk o the corporal massE the eyes guide and conduct allE the appetite in the ori ice o the stomach, by means o @aD little sourish black humour, called melancholy, !hich is transmitted

thereto rom the milt, gi"eth !arning to shut in the ood. The tongue doth make the irst essay, and tastes itE the teeth do che! it, and the stomach doth recei"e, digest, and chyli y it. The mesaraic "eins suck out o it !hat is good and it, lea"ing behind the e?crements, !hich are, through special conduits or that purpose, "oided by an e?pulsi"e aculty. Therea ter it is carried to the li"er, !here it being changed again, it by the "irtue o that ne! transmutation becomes blood. ;hat joy, conjecture you, !ill then be ound amongst those o icers !hen they see this ri"ulet o gold, !hich is their sole restorati"eK 9o greater is the joy o alchemists, !hen a ter long tra"ail, toil, and e?pense they see in their urnaces the transmutation. Then is it that e"ery member doth prepare itsel , and stri"e ane! to puri y and to re ine this treasure. The kidneys through the emulgent "eins dra! that a>uosity rom thence !hich you call urine, and there send it a!ay through the ureters to be slipped do!n!ardsE !here, in a lo!er receptacle, and proper or it, to !it, the bladder, it is kept, and stayeth there until an opportunity to "oid it out in his due time. The spleen dra!eth rom the blood its terrestrial part, "iH., the grounds, lees, or thick substance settled in the bottom thereo , !hich you term melancholy. The bottle o the gall subtracts rom thence all the super luous cholerE !hence it is brought to another shop or !ork$house to be yet better puri ied and ined, that is, the heart, !hich by its agitation o diastolic and systolic motions so neatly subtiliHeth and in lames it, that in the right side "entricle it is brought to per ection, and through the "eins is sent to all the members. 1ach parcel o the body dra!s it then unto itsel , and a ter its o!n ashion is cherished and alimented by it. Feet, hands, thighs, arms, eyes, ears, back, breast, yea, allE and then it is, that !ho be ore !ere lenders, no! become debtors. The heart doth in its le t side "entricle so thinni y the blood, that it thereby obtains the name o spiritualE !hich being sent through the arteries to all the members o the body, ser"eth to !arm and !inno! the other blood !hich runneth through the "eins. The lights ne"er cease !ith its lappets and bello!s to cool and re resh it, in ackno!ledgment o !hich good the heart, through the arterial "ein, imparts unto it the choicest o its blood. *t last it is made so ine and subtle !ithin the rete mirabile, that therea ter those animal spirits are ramed and composed o it, by means !hereo the imagination, discourse, judgment, resolution, deliberation, ratiocination, and memory ha"e their rise, actings, and operations. Cops body, 5 sink, 5 dro!n, 5 perish, 5 !ander astray, and >uite ly out o mysel !hen 5 enter into the consideration o the pro ound abyss o this !orld, thus lending, thus o!ing. Belie"e me, it is a di"ine thing to lend,$$to o!e, an heroic "irtue. #et is not this all. This little !orld thus lending, o!ing, and borro!ing, is so good and charitable, that no sooner is the abo"e$speci ied alimentation inished, but that it orth!ith projecteth, and hath already orecast, ho! it shall lend to those !ho are not as yet born, and by that loan endea"our !hat it may to eterniHe itsel , and multiply in images like the pattern, that is, children. To this end e"ery member doth o the choicest and most precious o its nourishment pare and cut o a portion, then instantly despatcheth it do!n!ards to that place !here nature hath prepared or it "ery it "essels and receptacles, through !hich descending to the genitories by long ambages, circuits, and le?uosities, it recei"eth a competent orm, and rooms apt enough both in man and !oman or the uture conser"ation and perpetuating o human kind. *ll this is done by loans and debts o the one unto the otherE and hence ha"e !e this !ord, the debt o marriage. 9ature doth reckon pain to the re user, !ith a most grie"ous "e?ation to his members and an outrageous

ury amidst his senses. But, on the other part, to the lender a set re!ard, accompanied !ith pleasure, joy, solace, mirth, and merry glee.

Chapter C.=. (o! Pantagruel altogether abhorreth the debtors and borro!ers. 5 understand you "ery !ell, >uoth Pantagruel, and take you to be "ery good at topics, and thoroughly a ectioned to your o!n cause. But preach it up, and patrocinate it, prattle on it, and de end it as much as you !ill, e"en rom hence to the ne?t ;hitsuntide, i you please so to do, yet in the end you !ill be astonished to ind ho! you shall ha"e gained no ground at all upon me, nor persuaded me by your air speeches and smooth talk to enter ne"er so little into the thraldom o debt. #ou shall o!e to none, saith the holy *postle, anything sa"e lo"e, riendship, and a mutual bene"olence. #ou ser"e me here, 5 con ess, !ith ine graphides and diatyposes, descriptions and igures, !hich truly please me "ery !ell. But let me tell you, i you !ill represent unto your ancy an impudent blustering bully and an importunate borro!er, entering a resh and ne!ly into a to!n already ad"ertised o his manners, you shall ind that at his ingress the citiHens !ill be more hideously a righted and amaHed, and in a greater terror and ear, dread, and trembling, than i the pest itsel should step into it in the "ery same garb and accoutrement !herein the Tyanean philosopher ound it !ithin the city o 1phesus. *nd 5 am ully con irmed in the opinion, that the Persians erred not !hen they said that the second "ice !as to lie, the irst being that o o!ing money. For, in "ery truth, debts and lying are ordinarily joined together. 5 !ill ne"ertheless not rom hence in er that none must o!e anything or lend anything. For !ho so rich can be that sometimes may not o!e, or !ho can be so poor that sometimes may not lendK %et the occasion, not!ithstanding, in that case, as Plato "ery !isely sayeth and ordaineth in his la!s, be such that none be permitted to dra! any !ater out o his neighbour's !ell until irst they by continual digging and del"ing into their o!n proper ground shall ha"e hit upon a kind o potter's earth, !hich is called ceramite, and there had ound no source or drop o !aterE or that sort o earth, by reason o its substance, !hich is at, strong, irm, and close, so retaineth its humidity, that it doth not easily e"aporate it by any out!ard e?cursion or e"aporation. 5n good sooth, it is a great shame to choose rather to be still borro!ing in all places rom e"eryone, than to !ork and !in. Then only in my judgment should one lend, !hen the diligent, toiling, and industrious person is no longer able by his labour to make any purchase unto himsel , or other!ise, !hen by mischance he hath suddenly allen into an une?pected loss o his goods. (o!soe"er, let us lea"e this discourse, and rom hence or!ards do not hang upon creditors, nor tie yoursel to them. 5 make account or the time past to rid you reely o them, and rom their bondage to deli"er you. The least 5 should in this point, >uoth Panurge, is to thank you, though it be the most 5 can do. *nd i gratitude and thanksgi"ing be to be estimated and priHed by the a ection o the bene actor, that is to be done in initely and sempiternallyE or the lo"e !hich you bear me o your o!n accord and ree grace, !ithout any merit o mine, goeth ar beyond the

reach o any price or "alue. 5t transcends all !eight, all number, all measureE it is endless and e"erlastingE there ore, should 5 o er to commensurate and adjust it, either to the siHe and proportion o your o!n noble and gracious deeds, or yet to the contentment and delight o the obliged recei"ers, 5 !ould come o but "ery aintly and laggingly. #ou ha"e "erily done me a great deal o good, and multiplied your a"ours on me more re>uently than !as itting to one o my condition. #ou ha"e been more bounti ul to!ards me than 5 ha"e deser"ed, and your courtesies ha"e by ar surpassed the e?tent o my merits, 5 must needs con ess it. But it is not, as you suppose, in the proposed matter. For there it is not !here 5 itch, it is not there !here it retteth, hurts, or "e?eth meE or, hence orth being >uit and out o debt, !hat countenance !ill 5 be able to keepK #ou may imagine that it !ill become me "ery ill or the irst month, because 5 ha"e ne"er hitherto been brought up or accustomed to it. 5 am "ery much a raid o it. Furthermore, there shall not one herea ter, nati"e o the country o +almigondy, but he shall le"el the shot to!ards my nose. *ll the back$cracking ello!s o the !orld, in discharging o their postern petarades, use commonly to say, =oila pour les >uittes, that is, For the >uit. <y li e !ill be o "ery short continuance, 5 do oresee it. 5 recommend to you the making o my epitaphE or 5 percei"e 5 !ill die con ected in the "ery stench o arts. 5 , at any time to come, by !ay o restorati"e to such good !omen as shall happen to be troubled !ith the grie"ous pain o the !ind$colic, the ordinary medicaments pro"e nothing e ectual, the mummy o all my be arted body !ill straight be as a present remedy appointed by the physiciansE !hereo they, taking any small modicum, it !ill incontinently or their ease a ord them a rattle o bumshot, like a sal o muskets. There ore !ould 5 beseech you to lea"e me some e! centuries o debtsE as :ing %ouis the 1le"enth, e?empting rom suits in la! the Re"erend <iles d'5lliers, Bishop o Chartres, !as by the said bishop most earnestly solicited to lea"e him some e! or the e?ercise o his mind. 5 had rather gi"e them all my re"enue o the peri!inkles, together !ith the other incomes o the locusts, albeit 5 should not thereby ha"e any parcel abated rom o the principal sums !hich 5 o!e. %et us !ai"e this matter, >uoth Pantagruel, 5 ha"e told it you o"er again.

Chapter C.=5. ;hy ne! married men !ere pri"ileged rom going to the !ars. But, in the interim, asked Panurge, by !hat la! !as it constituted, ordained, and established, that such as should plant a ne! "ineyard, those that should build a ne! house, and the ne! married men, should be e?empted and discharged rom the duty o !ar are or the irst yearK By the la!, ans!ered Pantagruel, o <oses. ;hy, replied Panurge, the lately marriedK *s or the "ine$planters, 5 am no! too old to re lect on themE my condition, at this present, induceth me to remain satis ied !ith the care o "intage, inishing and turning the grapes into !ine. 9or are these pretty ne! builders o dead stones !ritten or pricked do!n in my Book o %i e. 5t is all !ith li"e stones that 5 set up and erect the abrics o my architecture, to !it, men. 5t !as, according to my opinion, >uoth Pantagruel, to the end, irst, that the resh married olks should or the irst year reap a ull and complete ruition o their pleasures in their mutual e?ercise o the act o lo"e, in such sort, that in !aiting more at

leisure on the production o posterity and propagating o their progeny, they might the better increase their race and make pro"ision o ne! heirs. That i , in the years therea ter, the men should, upon their undergoing o some military ad"enture, happen to be killed, their names and coats$o $arms might continue !ith their children in the same amilies. *nd ne?t, that, the !i"es thereby coming to kno! !hether they !ere barren or ruit ul$$ or one year's trial, in regard o the maturity o age !herein o old they married, !as held su icient or the disco"ery$$they might pitch the more suitably, in case o their irst husband's decease, upon a second match. The ertile !omen to be !edded to those !ho desire to multiply their issueE and the sterile ones to such other mates, as, misregarding the storing o their o!n lineage, choose them only or their "irtues, learning, genteel beha"iour, domestic consolation, management o the house, and matrimonial con"eniences and com orts, and such like. The preachers o =arennes, saith Panurge, detest and abhor the second marriages, as altogether oolish and dishonest. Foolish and dishonestK >uoth Pantagruel. * plague take such preachersL #ea but, >uoth Panurge, the like mischie also be all the Friar Charmer, !ho, in a ull auditory making a sermon at Pereilly, and therein abominating the reiteration o marriage and the entering again in the bonds o a nuptial tie, did s!ear and heartily gi"e himsel to the s!i test de"il in hell, i he had not rather choose, and !ould much more !illingly undertake the unmaidening or depucelating o a hundred "irgins, than the simple drudgery o one !ido!. Truly 5 ind your reason in that point right good and strongly grounded. But !hat !ould you think, i the cause !hy this e?emption or immunity !as granted had no other oundation but that, during the !hole space o the said irst year, they so lustily bobbed it !ith their emale consorts, as both reason and e>uity re>uire they should do, that they had drained and e"acuated their spermatic "esselsE and !ere become thereby altogether eeble, !eak, emasculated, drooping, and laggingly pithlessE yea, in such sort that they in the day o battle, like ducks !hich plunge o"er head and ears, !ould sooner hide themsel"es behind the baggage, than, in the company o "aliant ighters and daring military combatants, appear !here stern Bellona deals her blo!s and mo"es a bustling noise o th!acks and thumpsK 9or is it to be thought that, under the standard o <ars, they !ill so much as once strike a air stroke, because their most considerable knocks ha"e been already jerked and !hirrited !ithin the curtains o his s!eetheart =enus. 5n con irmation !hereo , amongst other relics and monuments o anti>uity, !e no! as yet o ten see, that in all great houses, a ter the e?piring o some e! days, these young married blades are readily sent a!ay to "isit their uncles, that in the absence o their !i"es reposing themsel"es a little they may reco"er their decayed strength by the recruit o a resh supply, the more "igorous to return again and ace about to rene! the duelling shock and con lict o an amorous dalliance, albeit or the greater part they ha"e neither uncle nor aunt to go to. 7ust so did the :ing Crackart, a ter the battle o the Cornets, not cashier us @speaking properlyD, 5 mean me and the Juail$caller, but or our re reshment remanded us to our housesE and he is as yet seeking a ter his o!n. <y grand ather's godmother !as !ont to say to me !hen 5 !as a boy,$$ Patenostres et oraisons

+ont pour ceu?$la, >ui les retiennent. 8ng i re en enaisons 1st plus ort >ue deu? >ui en "iennent. 9ot orisons nor patenotres +hall e"er disorder my brain. 'ne cadet, to the ield as he lutters, 5s !orth t!o, !hen they end the campaign. That !hich prompteth me to that opinion is, that the "ine$planters did seldom eat o the grapes, or drink o the !ine o their labour, till the irst year !as !holly elapsed. )uring all !hich time also the builders did hardly inhabit their ne!$structured d!elling$places, or ear o dying su ocated through !ant o respirationE as Galen hath most learnedly remarked, in the second book o the )i iculty o Breathing. 8nder a"our, sir, 5 ha"e not asked this >uestion !ithout cause causing and reason truly "ery ratiocinant. Be not o ended, 5 pray you.

Chapter C.=55. (o! Panurge had a lea in his ear, and orbore to !ear any longer his magni icent codpiece. Panurge, the day therea ter, caused pierce his right ear a ter the 7e!ish ashion, and thereto clasped a little gold ring, o a erny$like kind o !orkmanship, in the beaHil or collet !hereo !as set and enchased a leaE and, to the end you may be rid o all doubts, you are to kno! that the lea !as black. ', !hat a bra"e thing it is, in e"ery case and circumstance o a matter, to be thoroughly !ell in ormedL The sum o the e?pense hereo , being cast up, brought in, and laid do!n upon his council$board carpet, !as ound to amount to no more >uarterly than the charge o the nuptials o a (ircanian tigressE e"en, as you !ould say, A..,... mara"edis. *t these "ast costs and e?cessi"e disbursements, as soon as he percei"ed himsel to be out o debt, he retted muchE and a ter!ards, as tyrants and la!yers use to do, he nourished and ed her !ith the s!eat and blood o his subjects and clients. (e then took our French ells o a coarse bro!n russet cloth, and therein apparelling himsel , as !ith a long, plain$seamed, and single$stitched go!n, le t o the !earing o his breeches, and tied a pair o spectacles to his cap. 5n this e>uipage did he present himsel be ore PantagruelE to !hom this disguise appeared the more strange, that he did not, as be ore, see that goodly, air, and stately codpiece, !hich !as the sole anchor o hope !herein he !as !onted to rely, and last re uge he had midst all the !a"es and boisterous billo!s !hich a stormy cloud in a cross ortune !ould raise up against him. (onest Pantagruel, not understanding the mystery, asked him, by !ay o interrogatory, !hat he did intend to personate in that ne!$ angled prosopopoeia. 5 ha"e, ans!ered Panurge, a lea in mine ear, and ha"e a mind to marry. 5n a good time, >uoth Pantagruel, you ha"e told me joy ul tidings. #et !ould not 5 hold a red$hot iron in my hand or all the gladness o them. But it is not the ashion o lo"ers to be accoutred in such dangling "estments, so as to ha"e their shirts lagging do!n o"er their knees, !ithout breeches, and !ith a long robe o a dark bro!n mingled hue, !hich is a colour ne"er used in Talarian garments amongst any persons o honour, >uality, or "irtue. 5 some heretical persons and schismatical

sectaries ha"e at any time ormerly been so arrayed and clothed @though many ha"e imputed such a kind o dress to cosenage, cheat, imposture, and an a ectation o tyranny upon credulous minds o the rude multitudeD, 5 !ill ne"ertheless not blame them or it, nor in that point judge rashly or sinistrously o them. 1"eryone o"er lo!ingly aboundeth in his o!n sense and ancyE yea, in things o a oreign consideration, altogether e?trinsical and indi erent, !hich in and o themsel"es are neither commendable nor bad, because they proceed not rom the interior o the thoughts and heart, !hich is the shop o all good and e"ilE o goodness, i it be upright, and that its a ections be regulated by the pure and clean spirit o righteousnessE and, on the other side, o !ickedness, i its inclinations, straying beyond the bounds o e>uity, be corrupted and depra"ed by the malice and suggestions o the de"il. 5t is only the no"elty and ne!$ angledness thereo !hich 5 dislike, together !ith the contempt o common custom and the ashion !hich is in use. The colour, ans!ered Panurge, is con"enient, or it is con orm to that o my council$board carpetE there ore !ill 5 hence orth hold me !ith it, and more narro!ly and circumspectly than e"er hitherto 5 ha"e done look to my a airs and business. +eeing 5 am once out o debt, you ne"er yet sa! man more unpleasing than 5 !ill be, i God help me not. %o, here be my spectacles. To see me a ar o , you !ould readily say that it !ere Friar @7ohnD Burgess. 5 belie"e certainly that in the ne?t ensuing year 5 shall once more preach the Crusade. Bounce, buckram. )o you see this russetK )oubt not but there lurketh under it some hid property and occult "irtue kno!n to "ery e! in the !orld. 5 did not take it on be ore this morning, and, ne"ertheless, am already in a rage o lust, mad a ter a !i e, and "ehemently hot upon untying the codpiece$pointE 5 itch, 5 tingle, 5 !riggle, and long e?ceedingly to be married, that, !ithout the danger o cudgel$blo!s, 5 may labour my emale copes$mate !ith the hard push o a bull$horned de"il. ' the pro"ident and thri ty husband that 5 then !ill beL * ter my death, !ith all honour and respect due to my rugality, !ill they burn the sacred bulk o my body, o purpose to preser"e the ashes thereo , in memory o the choicest pattern that e"er !as o a per ectly !ary and complete householder. Cops body, this is not the carpet !hereon my treasurer shall be allo!ed to play alse in his accounts !ith me, by setting do!n an I or a =, or an % or an +. For in that case should 5 make a hail o isticu s to ly into his ace. %ook upon me, sir, both be ore and behind,$$it is made a ter the manner o a toga, !hich !as the ancient ashion o the Romans in time o peace. 5 took the mode, shape, and orm thereo in Trajan's Column at Rome, as also in the Triumphant *rch o +eptimus +e"erus. 5 am tired o the !ars, !eary o !earing bu $coats, cassocks, and ho>uetons. <y shoulders are piti ully !orn and bruised !ith the carrying o harness. %et armour cease, and the long robe bear s!ayL *t least it must be so or the !hole space o the succeeding year, i 5 be marriedE as yesterday, by the <osaic la!, you e"idenced. 5n !hat concerneth the breeches, my great$aunt %aurence did long ago tell me, that the breeches !ere only ordained or the use o the codpiece, and to no other endE !hich 5, upon a no less orcible conse>uence, gi"e credit to e"ery !hit, as !ell as to the saying o the ine ello! Galen, !ho in his ninth book, ' the 8se and 1mployment o our <embers, allegeth that the head !as made or the eyes. For nature might ha"e placed our heads in our knees or elbo!s, but ha"ing be orehand determined that the eyes should ser"e to disco"er things rom a ar, she or the better enabling them to e?ecute their designed o ice, i?ed them in the head, as on the top o a long pole, in the most eminent part o all the body$$no other!ise than !e see the phares, or high to!ers erected in the mouths o ha"ens, that

na"igators may the urther o percei"e !ith ease the lights o the nightly ires and lanterns. *nd because 5 !ould gladly, or some short !hile, a year at least, take a little rest and breathing time rom the toilsome labour o the military pro ession, that is to say, be married, 5 ha"e desisted rom !earing any more a codpiece, and conse>uently ha"e laid aside my breeches. For the codpiece is the principal and most especial piece o armour that a !arrior doth carryE and there ore do 5 maintain e"en to the ire @e?clusi"ely, understand you meD, that no Turks can properly be said to be armed men, in regard that codpieces are by their la! orbidden to be !orn.

Chapter C.=555. ;hy the codpiece is held to be the chie piece o armour amongst !arriors. ;ill you maintain, >uoth Pantagruel, that the codpiece is the chie piece o a military harnessK 5t is a ne! kind o doctrine, "ery parado?icalE or !e say, *t spurs begins the arming o a man. +ir, 5 maintain it, ans!ered Panurge, and not !rong ully do 5 maintain it. Behold ho! nature, ha"ing a er"ent desire, a ter its production o plants, trees, shrubs, herbs, sponges, and plant$animals, to eterniHe and continue them unto all succession o ages @in their se"eral kinds or sorts, at least, although the indi"iduals perishD unruinable, and in an e"erlasting being, hath most curiously armed and enced their buds, sprouts, shoots, and seeds, !herein the abo"e$mentioned perpetuity consisteth, by strengthening, co"ering, guarding, and orti ying them !ith an admirable industry, !ith husks, cases, scur s and s!ads, hulls, cods, stones, ilms, cartels, shells, ears, rinds, barks, skins, ridges, and prickles, !hich ser"e them instead o strong, air, and natural codpieces. *s is mani estly apparent in pease, beans, asels, pomegranates, peaches, cottons, gourds, pumpions, melons, corn, lemons, almonds, !alnuts, ilberts, and chestnutsE as like!ise in all plants, slips, or sets !hatsoe"er, !herein it is plainly and e"idently seen, that the sperm and semence is more closely "eiled, o"ershado!ed, corroborated, and thoroughly harnessed, than any other part, portion, or parcel o the !hole. 9ature, ne"ertheless, did not a ter that manner pro"ide or the sempiterniHing o @theD human raceE but, on the contrary, created man naked, tender, and rail, !ithout either o ensi"e or de ensi"e armsE and that in the estate o innocence, in the irst age o all, !hich !as the golden seasonE not as a plant, but li"ing creature, born or peace, not !ar, and brought orth into the !orld !ith an un>uestionable right and title to the plenary ruition and enjoyment o all ruits and "egetables, as also to a certain calm and gentle rule and dominion o"er all kinds o beasts, o!ls, ishes, reptiles, and insects. #et a ter!ards it happening in the time o the iron age, under the reign o 7upiter, !hen, to the multiplication o mischie"ous actions, !ickedness and malice began to take root and ooting !ithin the then per"erted hearts o men, that the earth began to bring orth nettles, thistles, thorns, briars, and such other stubborn and rebellious "egetables to the nature o man. 9or scarce !as there any animal !hich by a atal disposition did not then re"olt rom him, and tacitly conspire and co"enant !ith one another to ser"e him no longer, nor, in case o their ability to resist, to do him any manner o obedience, but rather, to the uttermost o their po!er, to annoy him !ith all the hurt and harm they could. The man, then, that he might maintain his primiti"e

right and prerogati"e, and continue his s!ay and dominion o"er all, both "egetable and sensiti"e creatures, and kno!ing o a truth that he could not be !ell accommodated as he ought !ithout the ser"itude and subjection o se"eral animals, bethought himsel that o necessity he must needs put on arms, and make pro"ision o harness against !ars and "iolence. By the holy +aint Babingoose, cried out Pantagruel, you are become, since the last rain, a great li relo re,$$philosopher, 5 should say. Take notice, sir, >uoth Panurge, !hen )ame 9ature had prompted him to his o!n arming, !hat part o the body it !as, !here, by her inspiration, he clapped on the irst harness. 5t !as orsooth by the double pluck o my little dog the ballock and good +enor )on Priapos +tabo$stando$$!hich done, he !as content, and sought no more. This is certi ied by the testimony o the great (ebre! captain @andD philosopher <oses, !ho a irmeth that he enced that member !ith a bra"e and gallant codpiece, most e?>uisitely ramed, and by right curious de"ices o a notably pregnant in"ention made up and composed o ig$tree lea"es, !hich by reason o their solid sti ness, incisory notches, curled riHHling, sleeked smoothness, large ampleness, together !ith their colour, smell, "irtue, and aculty, !ere e?ceeding proper and it or the co"ering and arming o the satchels o generation$$the hideously big %orraine cullions being rom thence only e?cepted, !hich, s!aggering do!n to the lo!ermost bottom o the breeches, cannot abide, or being >uite out o all order and method, the stately ashion o the high and lo ty codpieceE as is mani est by the noble =alentine =iardiere, !hom 5 ound at 9ancy, on the irst day o <ay$$the more launtingly to gallantriHe it a ter!ards$$rubbing his ballocks, spread out upon a table a ter the manner o a +panish cloak. ;here ore it is, that none should hence orth say, !ho !ould not speak improperly, !hen any country bumpkin hieth to the !ars, (a"e a care, my roister, o the !ine$pot, that is, the skull, but, (a"e a care, my roister, o the milk$pot, that is, the testicles. By the !hole rabble o the horned iends o hell, the head being cut o , that single person only thereby dieth. But, i the ballocks be marred, the !hole race o human kind !ould orth!ith perish, and be lost or e"er. This !as the moti"e !hich incited the goodly !riter Galen, %ib. 3. )e +permate, to a"er !ith boldness that it !ere better, that is to say, a less e"il, to ha"e no heart at all than to be >uite destitute o genitoriesE or there is laid up, conser"ed, and put in store, as in a secessi"e repository and sacred !arehouse, the semence and original source o the !hole o spring o mankind. There ore !ould 5 be apt to belie"e, or less than a hundred rancs, that those are the "ery same stones by means !hereo )eucalion and Pyrrha restored the human race, in peopling !ith men and !omen the !orld, !hich a little be ore that had been dro!ned in the o"er lo!ing !a"es o a poetical deluge. This stirred up the "aliant 7ustinian, %. /. )e Cagotis tollendis, to collocate his +ummum Bonum, in Braguibus, et Braguetis. For this and other causes, the %ord (umphrey de <er"ille, ollo!ing o his king to a certain !arlike e?pedition, !hilst he !as in trying upon his o!n person a ne! suit o armour, or o his old rusty harness he could make no more use, by reason that some e! years since the skin o his belly !as a great !ay remo"ed rom his kidneys, his lady thereupon, in the pro ound musing o a contemplati"e spirit, "ery maturely considering that he had but small care o the sta o lo"e and packet o marriage, seeing he did no other!ise arm that part o the body than !ith links o mail, ad"ised him to shield, ence, and gabionate it !ith a big tilting helmet !hich she had lying in her closet, to her other!ise utterly unpro itable. 'n this lady !ere penned these subse>uent "erses, !hich are e?tant in the third book o the +hitbrana o Paltry

;enches. ;hen #oland sa! her spouse e>uipp'd or ight, *nd, sa"e the codpiece, all in armour dight, <y dear, she cried, !hy, pray, o all the rest 5s that e?posed, you kno! 5 lo"e the bestK ;as she to blame or an ill$managed ear,$$ 'r rather pious, conscionable careK ;ise lady, sheL 5n hurlyburly ight, Can any tell !here random blo!s may lightK %ea"e o then, sir, rom being astonished, and !onder no more at this ne! manner o decking and trimming up o mysel as you no! see me.

Chapter C.5I. (o! Panurge asketh counsel o Pantagruel !hether he should marry, yea, or no. To this Pantagruel replying nothing, Panurge prosecuted the discourse he had already broached, and there!ithal etching, as rom the bottom o his heart, a "ery deep sigh, said, <y lord and master, you ha"e heard the design 5 am upon, !hich is to marry, i by some disastrous mischance all the holes in the !orld be not shut up, stopped, closed, and bushed. 5 humbly beseech you, or the a ection !hich o a long time you ha"e borne me, to gi"e me your best ad"ice therein. Then, ans!ered Pantagruel, seeing you ha"e so decreed, taken deliberation thereon, and that the matter is ully determined, !hat need is there o any urther talk thereo , but orth!ith to put it into e?ecution !hat you ha"e resol"edK #ea but, >uoth Panurge, 5 !ould be loth to act anything therein !ithout your counsel had thereto. 5t is my judgment also, >uoth Pantagruel, and 5 ad"ise you to it. 9e"ertheless, >uoth Panurge, i 5 understood aright that it !ere much better or me to remain a bachelor as 5 am, than to run headlong upon ne! hairbrained undertakings o conjugal ad"enture, 5 !ould rather choose not to marry. Juoth Pantagruel, Then do not marry. #ea but, >uoth Panurge, !ould you ha"e me so solitarily dri"e out the !hole course o my li e, !ithout the com ort o a matrimonial consortK #ou kno! it is !ritten, =ae soliL and a single person is ne"er seen to reap the joy and solace that is ound !ith married olks. Then marry, in the name o God, >uoth Pantagruel. But i , >uoth Panurge, my !i e should make me a cuckold$$as it is not unkno!n unto you, ho! this hath been a "ery plenti ul year in the production o that kind o cattle$$5 !ould ly out, and gro! impatient beyond all measure and mean. 5 lo"e cuckolds !ith my heart, or they seem unto me to be o a right honest con"ersation, and 5 truly do "ery !illingly re>uent their companyE but should 5 die or it, 5 !ould not be one o their number. That is a point or me o a too sore prickling point. Then do not marry, >uoth Pantagruel, or !ithout all contro"ersy this sentence o +eneca is in allibly true, ;hat thou to others shalt ha"e done, others !ill do the like to thee. )o you, >uoth Panurge, a"er that !ithout all e?ceptionK #es, truly, >uoth Pantagruel, !ithout all e?ception. (o, ho, says Panurge, by the !rath o a little de"il, his meaning is, either in this !orld or in the other !hich is to come. #et seeing 5 can no more !ant a !i e than a blind man his sta $$@ orD the unnel must be in agitation, !ithout !hich manner o occupation 5 cannot li"e$$!ere it not a great deal better or me to apply and associate mysel to some one honest, lo"ely, and

"irtuous !oman, than as 5 do, by a ne! change o emales e"ery day, run a haHard o being bastinadoed, or, !hich is !orse, o the great po?, i not o both together. For ne"er$$be it spoken by their husbands' lea"e and a"our$$had 5 enjoyment yet o an honest !oman. <arry then, in God's name, >uoth Pantagruel. But i , >uoth Panurge, it !ere the !ill o God, and that my destiny did unluckily lead me to marry an honest !oman !ho should beat me, 5 !ould be stored !ith more than t!o third parts o the patience o 7ob, i 5 !ere not stark mad by it, and >uite distracted !ith such rugged dealings. For it hath been told me that those e?ceeding honest !omen ha"e ordinarily "ery !icked head$piecesE there ore is it that their amily lacketh not or good "inegar. #et in that case should it go !orse !ith me, i 5 did not then in such sort bang her back and breast, so thumpingly beth!ack her gillets, to !it, her arms, legs, head, lights, li"er, and milt, !ith her other entrails, and mangle, jag, and slash her coats so a ter the cross$billet ashion that the greatest de"il o hell should !ait at the gate or the reception o her damnel soul. 5 could make a shi t or this year to !ai"e such molestation and dis>uiet, and be content to lay aside that trouble, and not to be engaged in it. )o not marry then, ans!ered Pantagruel. #ea but, >uoth Panurge, considering the condition !herein 5 no! am, out o debt and unmarriedE mark !hat 5 say, ree rom all debt, in an ill hour, or, !ere 5 deeply on the score, my creditors !ould be but too care ul o my paternity, but being >uit, and not married, nobody !ill be so regard ul o me, or carry to!ards me a lo"e like that !hich is said to be in a conjugal a ection. *nd i by some mishap 5 should all sick, 5 !ould be looked to "ery !ay!ardly. The !ise man saith, ;here there is no !oman$$5 mean the mother o a amily and !i e in the union o a la! ul !edlock$$the craHy and diseased are in danger o being ill used and o ha"ing much brabbling and stri e about themE as by clear e?perience hath been made apparent in the persons o popes, legates, cardinals, bishops, abbots, priors, priests, and monksE but there, assure yoursel , you shall not ind me. <arry then, in the name o God, ans!ered Pantagruel. But i , >uoth Panurge, being ill at ease, and possibly through that distemper made unable to discharge the matrimonial duty that is incumbent to an acti"e husband, my !i e, impatient o that drooping sickness and aint$ its o a pining languishment, should abandon and prostitute hersel to the embraces o another man, and not only then not help and assist me in my e?tremity and need, but !ithal lout at and make sport o that my grie"ous distress and calamityE or perad"enture, !hich is !orse, embeHHle my goods and steal rom me, as 5 ha"e seen it o tentimes be all unto the lot o many other men, it !ere enough to undo me utterly, to ill brim ul the cup o my mis ortune, and make me play the mad$pate reeks o Bedlam. )o not marry then, >uoth Pantagruel. #ea but, said Panurge, 5 shall ne"er by any other means come to ha"e la! ul sons and daughters, in !hom 5 may harbour some hope o perpetuating my name and arms, and to !hom also 5 may lea"e and be>ueath my inheritances and purchased goods @o !hich latter sort you need not doubt but that in some one or other o these mornings 5 !ill make a air and goodly sho!D, that so 5 may cheer up and make merry !hen other!ise 5 should be plunged into a pee"ish sullen mood o pensi"e sullenness, as 5 do percei"e daily by the gentle and lo"ing carriage o your kind and gracious ather to!ards youE as all honest olks use to do at their o!n homes and pri"ate d!elling$houses. For being ree rom debt, and yet not married, i casually 5 should ret and be angry, although the cause o my grie and displeasure !ere ne"er so just, 5 am a raid, instead o consolation, that 5 should meet !ith nothing else but sco s, rumps, gibes, and mocks at my disastrous ortune. <arry then, in the name o God, >uoth Pantagruel.

Chapter C.I. (o! Pantagruel representeth unto Panurge the di iculty o gi"ing ad"ice in the matter o marriageE and to that purpose mentioneth some!hat o the (omeric and =irgilian lotteries. #our counsel, >uoth Panurge, under your correction and a"our, seemeth unto me not unlike to the song o Gammer #ea$by$nay. 5t is ull o sarcasms, mockeries, bitter taunts, nipping bobs, derisi"e >uips, biting jerks, and contradictory iterations, the one part destroying the other. 5 kno! not, >uoth Pantagruel, !hich o all my ans!ers to lay hold onE or your proposals are so ull o i s and buts, that 5 can ground nothing on them, nor pitch upon any solid and positi"e determination satis actory to !hat is demanded by them. *re not you assured !ithin yoursel o !hat you ha"e a mind toK The chie and main point o the !hole matter lieth there. *ll the rest is merely casual, and totally dependeth upon the atal disposition o the hea"ens. ;e see some so happy in the ortune o this nuptial encounter, that their amily shineth as it !ere !ith the radiant e ulgency o an idea, model, or representation o the joys o paradiseE and percei"e others, again, to be so unluckily matched in the conjugal yoke, that those "ery basest o de"ils !hich tempt the hermits that inhabit the deserts o Thebais and <ontserrat are not more miserable than they. 5t is there ore e?pedient, seeing you are resol"ed or once to take a trial o the state o marriage, that, !ith shut eyes, bo!ing your head, and kissing the ground, you put the business to a "enture, and gi"e it a air haHard, in recommending the success o the residue to the disposure o *lmighty God. 5t lieth not in my po!er to gi"e you any other manner o assurance, or other!ise to certi y you o !hat shall ensue on this your undertaking. 9e"ertheless, i it please you, this you may do. Bring hither =irgil's poems, that a ter ha"ing opened the book, and !ith our ingers se"ered the lea"es thereo three se"eral times, !e may, according to the number agreed upon bet!i?t oursel"es, e?plore the uture hap o your intended marriage. For re>uently by a (omeric lottery ha"e many hit upon their destiniesE as is testi ied in the person o +ocrates, !ho, !hilst he !as in prison, hearing the recitation o this "erse o (omer, said o *chilles in the 9inth o the 5liads$$ 1mati ke tritato Phthien eribolon ikoimen, ;e, the third day, to ertile Pthia came$$ thereby oresa! that on the third subse>uent day he !as to die. ' the truth !hereo he assured *eschinesE as Plato, in Critone, Cicero, in Primo, de )i"inatione, )iogenes %aertius, and others, ha"e to the ull recorded in their !orks. The like is also !itnessed by 'pilius <acrinus, to !hom, being desirous to kno! i he should be the Roman emperor, be ell, by chance o lot, this sentence in the 1ighth o the 5liads$$ ' geron, e mala de se neoi teirousi machetai, Oe de bin lelutai, chalepon de se geras opaHei. )otard, ne! !arriors urge thee to be gone. Thy li e decays, and old age !eighs thee do!n.

5n act, he, being then some!hat ancient, had hardly enjoyed the so"ereignty o the empire or the space o ourteen months, !hen by (eliogabalus, then both young and strong, he !as dispossessed thereo , thrust out o all, and killed. Brutus doth also bear !itness o another e?periment o this nature, !ho !illing, through this e?ploratory !ay by lot, to learn !hat the e"ent and issue should be o the Pharsalian battle !herein he perished, he casually encountered on this "erse, said o Patroclus in the +i?teenth o the 5liads$$ *lla me moir oloe, kai %etous ektanen uios. Fate, and %atona's son ha"e shot me dead. *nd accordingly *pollo !as the ield$!ord in the dread ul day o that ight. )i"ers notable things o old ha"e like!ise been oretold and kno!n by casting o =irgilian lotsE yea, in matters o no less importance than the obtaining o the Roman empire, as it happened to *le?ander +e"erus, !ho, trying his ortune at the said kind o lottery, did hit upon this "erse !ritten in the +i?th o the *eneids$$ Tu regere imperio populos, Romane, memento. :no!, Roman, that thy business is to reign. (e, !ithin "ery e! years therea ter, !as e ectually and in good earnest created and installed Roman emperor. * semblable story thereto is related o *drian, !ho, being hugely perple?ed !ithin himsel out o a longing humour to kno! in !hat account he !as !ith the 1mperor Trajan, and ho! large the measure o that a ection !as !hich he did bear unto him, had recourse, a ter the manner abo"e speci ied, to the <aronian lottery, !hich by haphaHard tendered him these lines out o the +i?th o the *eneids$$ Juis procul ille autem, ramis insignis oli"ae +acra erensK 9osco crines incana>ue menta Regis Romani. But !ho is he, conspicuous rom a ar, ;ith oli"e boughs, that doth his o erings bearK By the !hite hair and beard 5 kno! him plain, The Roman king. +hortly therea ter !as he adopted by Trajan, and succeeded to him in the empire. <oreo"er, to the lot o the praise!orthy 1mperor Claudius be ell this line o =irgil, !ritten in the +i?th o his *eneids$$ Tertia dum %atio regnantem "iderit aestas. ;hilst the third summer sa! him reign, a king 5n %atium. *nd in e ect he did not reign abo"e t!o years. To the said Claudian also, in>uiring concerning his brother Juintilius, !hom he proposed as a colleague !ith himsel in the empire, happened the response ollo!ing in the +i?th o the *eneids$$ 'stendent terris hunc tantum ata.

;hom Fate let us see, *nd !ould no longer su er him to be. *nd it so ell outE or he !as killed on the se"enteenth day a ter he had attained unto the management o the imperial charge. The "ery same lot, also, !ith the like misluck, did betide the 1mperor Gordian the younger. To Claudius *lbinus, being "ery solicitous to understand some!hat o his uture ad"entures, did occur this saying, !hich is !ritten in the +i?th o the *eneids$$ (ic rem Romanam magno turbante tumultu +istet 1>ues, Nc. The Romans, boiling !ith tumultuous rage, This !arrior shall the dangerous storm assuage& ;ith "ictories he the Carthaginian mauls, *nd !ith strong hand shall crush the rebel Gauls. %ike!ise, !hen the 1mperor ). Claudius, *urelian's predecessor, did !ith great eagerness research a ter the ate to come o his posterity, his hap !as to alight on this "erse in the First o the *eneids$$ (ic ego nec metas rerum, nec tempora pono. 9o bounds are to be set, no limits here. ;hich !as ul illed by the goodly genealogical ro! o his race. ;hen <r. Peter *my did in like manner e?plore and make trial i he should escape the ambush o the hobgoblins !ho lay in !ait all$to$bemaul him, he ell upon this "erse in the Third o the *eneids$$ (euL uge crudeles terras, uge littus a"arumL 'h, lee the bloody land, the !icked shoreL ;hich counsel he obeying, sa e and sound orth!ith a"oided all these ambuscades. ;ere it not to shun proli?ity, 5 could enumerate a thousand such like ad"entures, !hich, con orm to the dictate and "erdict o the "erse, ha"e by that manner o lot$casting encounter be allen to the curious researchers o them. )o not you ne"ertheless imagine, lest you should be deluded, that 5 !ould upon this kind o ortune$ linging proo in er an uncontrollable and not to be gainsaid in allibility o truth.

Chapter C.I5. (o! Pantagruel sho!eth the trial o one's ortune by the thro!ing o dice to be unla! ul. 5t !ould be sooner done, >uoth Panurge, and more e?peditely, i !e should try the matter at the chance o three air dice. Juoth Pantagruel, That sort o lottery is deceit ul, abusi"e, illicitous, and e?ceedingly scandalous. 9e"er trust in it. The accursed book o the Recreation o

)ice !as a great !hile ago e?cogitated in *chaia, near Bourre, by that ancient enemy o mankind, the in ernal calumniator, !ho, be ore the statue or massi"e image o the Bourraic (ercules, did o old, and doth in se"eral places o the !orld as yet, make many simple souls to err and all into his snares. #ou kno! ho! my ather Gargantua hath orbidden it o"er all his kingdoms and dominionsE ho! he hath caused burn the moulds and draughts thereo , and altogether suppressed, abolished, dri"en orth, and cast it out o the land, as a most dangerous plague and in ection to any !ell$polished state or common!ealth. ;hat 5 ha"e told you o dice, 5 say the same o the play at cockall. 5t is a lottery o the like guile and deceit ulnessE and there ore do not or con"incing o me allege in opposition to this my opinion, or bring in the e?ample o the ortunate cast o Tiberius, !ithin the ountain o *ponus, at the oracle o Gerion. These are the baited hooks by !hich the de"il attracts and dra!eth unto him the oolish souls o silly people into eternal perdition. 9e"ertheless, to satis y your humour in some measure, 5 am content you thro! three dice upon this table, that, according to the number o the blots !hich shall happen to be cast up, !e may hit upon a "erse o that page !hich in the setting open o the book you shall ha"e pitched upon. (a"e you any dice in your pocketK * !hole bag ul, ans!ered Panurge. That is pro"ision against the de"il, as is e?pounded by <erlin Coccaius, %ib. -. )e Patria )iabolorum. The de"il !ould be sure to take me napping, and "ery much at una!ares, i he should ind me !ithout dice. ;ith this, the three dice being taken out, produced, and thro!n, they ell so pat upon the lo!er points that the cast !as i"e, si?, and i"e. These are, >uoth Panurge, si?teen in all. %et us take the si?teenth line o the page. The number pleaseth me "ery !ellE 5 hope !e shall ha"e a prosperous and happy chance. <ay 5 be thro!n amidst all the de"ils o hell, e"en as a great bo!l cast ath!art at a set o ninepins, or cannon$ball shot among a battalion o oot, in case so many times 5 do not boult my uture !i e the irst night o our marriageL ' that, orsooth, 5 make no doubt at all, >uoth Pantagruel. #ou needed not to ha"e rapped orth such a horrid imprecation, the sooner to procure credit or the per ormance o so small a business, seeing possibly the irst bout !ill be amiss, and that you kno! is usually at tennis called i teen. *t the ne?t justling turn you may readily amend that ault, and so complete your reckoning o si?teen. 5s it so, >uoth Panurge, that you understand the matterK *nd must my !ords be thus interpretedK 9ay, belie"e me ne"er yet !as any solecism committed by that "aliant champion !ho o ten hath or me in Belly$dale stood sentry at the hypogastrian cranny. )id you e"er hitherto ind me in the con raternity o the aultyK 9e"er, 5 tro!E ne"er, nor e"er shall, or e"er and a day. 5 do the eat like a goodly riar or ather con essor, !ithout de ault. *nd therein am 5 !illing to be judged by the players. (e had no sooner spoke these !ords than the !orks o =irgil !ere brought in. But be ore the book !as laid open, Panurge said to Pantagruel, <y heart, like the urch o a hart in a rut, doth beat !ithin my breast. Be pleased to eel and grope my pulse a little on this artery o my le t arm. *t its re>uent rise and all you !ould say that they s!inge and belabour me a ter the manner o a probationer, posed and put to a peremptory trial in the e?amination o his su iciency or the discharge o the learned duty o a graduate in some eminent degree in the college o the +orbonists. But !ould you not hold it e?pedient, be ore !e proceed any urther, that !e should in"ocate (ercules and the Tenetian goddesses !ho in the chamber o lots are said to rule, sit in judgment, and bear a presidential s!ayK

9either him nor them, ans!ered PantagruelE only open up the lea"es o the book !ith your ingers, and set your nails a!ork.

Chapter C.I55. (o! Pantagruel doth e?plore by the =irgilian lottery !hat ortune Panurge shall ha"e in his marriage. Then at the opening o the book in the si?teenth ro! o the lines o the disclosed page did Panurge encounter upon this ollo!ing "erse& 9ec )eus hunc mensa, )ea nec dignata cubili est. The god him rom his table banished, 9or !ould the goddess ha"e him in her bed. This response, >uoth Pantagruel, maketh not "ery much or your bene it or ad"antageE or it plainly signi ies and denoteth that your !i e shall be a strumpet, and yoursel by conse>uence a cuckold. The goddess, !hom you shall not ind propitious nor a"ourable unto you, is <iner"a, a most redoubtable and dread ul "irgin, a po!er ul and ulminating goddess, an enemy to cuckolds and e eminate youngsters, to cuckold$makers and adulterers. The god is 7upiter, a terrible and thunder$striking god rom hea"en. *nd !ithal it is to be remarked, that, con orm to the doctrine o the ancient 1trurians, the manubes, or so did they call the darting hurls or slinging casts o the =ulcanian thunderbolts, did only appertain to her and to 7upiter her ather capital. This !as "eri ied in the con lagration o the ships o *ja? 'ileus, nor doth this ulminating po!er belong to any other o the 'lympic gods. <en, there ore, stand not in such ear o them. <oreo"er, 5 !ill tell you, and you may take it as e?tracted out o the pro oundest mysteries o mythology, that, !hen the giants had enterprised the !aging o a !ar against the po!er o the celestial orbs, the gods at irst did laugh at those attempts, and scorned such despicable enemies, !ho !ere, in their conceit, not strong enough to cope in eats o !ar are !ith their pagesE but !hen they sa! by the gigantine labour the high hill Pelion set on lo ty 'ssa, and that the mount 'lympus !as made shake to be erected on the top o both, then !as it that 7upiter held a parliament, or general con"ention, !herein it !as unanimously resol"ed upon and condescended to by all the gods, that they should !orthily and "aliantly stand to their de ence. *nd because they had o ten seen battles lost by the cumbersome lets and disturbing encumbrances o !omen con usedly huddled in amongst armies, it !as at that time decreed and enacted that they should e?pel and dri"e out o hea"en into 1gypt and the con ines o 9ile that !hole cre! o goddesses, disguised in the shapes o !easels, polecats, bats, shre!$mice, errets, ulmarts, and other such like odd trans ormationsE only <iner"a !as reser"ed to participate !ith 7upiter in the horri ic ulminating po!er, as being the goddess both o !ar and learning, o arts and arms, o counsel and despatch$$a goddess armed rom her birth, a goddess dreaded in hea"en, in the air, by sea and land. By the belly o +aint Bu , >uoth Panurge, should 5 be =ulcan, !hom the poet blaHonsK 9ay, 5 am neither a cripple, coiner o alse money, nor smith, as he !as. <y !i e possibly !ill be as comely and handsome as e"er !as his =enus, but not a !hore like her, nor 5 a cuckold like him. The crook$legged slo"enly sla"e made himsel to be declared a cuckold by a de inite sentence and judgment, in the open "ie! o all the gods. For this cause ought you to interpret the a ore$mentioned

"erse >uite contrary to !hat you ha"e said. This lot importeth that my !i e !ill be honest, "irtuous, chaste, loyal, and aith ulE not armed, surly, !ay!ard, cross, giddy, humorous, heady, hairbrained, or e?tracted out o the brains, as !as the goddess PallasE nor shall this air jolly 7upiter be my co$ri"al. (e shall ne"er dip his bread in my broth, though !e should sit together at one table. Consider his e?ploits and gallant actions. (e !as the mani est ru ian, !encher, !horemonger, and most in amous cuckold$maker that e"er breathed. (e did al!ays lecher it like a boar, and no !onder, or he !as ostered by a so! in the 5sle o Candia, i *gathocles the Babylonian be not a liar, and more rammishly lasci"ious than a buckE !hence it is that he is said by others to ha"e been suckled and ed !ith the milk o the *malthaean goat. By the "irtue o *cheron, he justled, bulled, and lastauriated in one day the third part o the !orld, beasts and people, loods and mountainsE that !as 1uropa. For this grand subagitatory achie"ement the *mmonians caused dra!, delineate, and paint him in the igure and shape o a ram ramming, and horned ram. But 5 kno! !ell enough ho! to shield and preser"e mysel rom that horned champion. (e !ill not, trust me, ha"e to deal in my person !ith a sottish, dunsical *mphitryon, nor !ith a silly !itless *rgus, or all his hundred spectacles, nor yet !ith the co!ardly meacock *crisius, the simple goose$cap %ycus o Thebes, the doting blockhead *genor, the phlegmatic pea$goose *esop, rough$ ooted %ycaon, the luskish misshapen Corytus o Tuscany, nor !ith the large$backed and strong$reined *tlas. %et him alter, change, trans orm, and metamorphose himsel into a hundred "arious shapes and igures, into a s!an, a bull, a satyr, a sho!er o gold, or into a cuckoo, as he did !hen he unmaidened his sister 7unoE into an eagle, ram, or do"e, as !hen he !as enamoured o the "irgin Phthia, !ho then d!elt in the *egean territoryE into ire, a serpent, yea, e"en into a leaE into 1picurean and )emocratical atoms, or, more <agistronostralistically, into those sly intentions o the mind, !hich in the schools are called second notions,$$5'll catch him in the nick, and take him napping. *nd !ould you kno! !hat 5 !ould do unto himK 1"en that !hich to his ather Coelum +aturn did$$+eneca oretold it o me, and %actantius hath con irmed it$$!hat the goddess Rhea did to *this. 5 !ould make him t!o stone lighter, rid him o his Cyprian cymbals, and cut so close and neatly by the breech, that there shall not remain thereo so much as one$$, so cleanly !ould 5 sha"e him, and disable him or e"er rom being Pope, or Testiculos non habet. (old there, said PantagruelE ho, so t and air, my ladL 1nough o that,$$cast up, turn o"er the lea"es, and try your ortune or the second time. Then did he all upon this ensuing "erse& <embra >uatit, gelidus>ue coit ormidine sanguis. (is joints and members >uake, he becomes pale, *nd sudden ear doth his cold blood congeal. This importeth, >uoth Pantagruel, that she !ill soundly bang your back and belly. Clean and >uite contrary, ans!ered PanurgeE it is o me that he prognosticates, in saying that 5 !ill beat her like a tiger i she "e? me. +ir <artin ;agsta !ill per orm that o ice, and in de ault o a cudgel, the de"il gulp him, i 5 should not eat her up >uick, as Candaul the %ydian king did his !i e, !hom he ra"ened and de"oured. #ou are "ery stout, says Pantagruel, and courageousE (ercules himsel durst hardly ad"enture to scu le !ith you in this your raging ury. 9or is it strangeE or the 7an is !orth t!o, and t!o in ight against (ercules are

too too strong. *m 5 a 7anK >uoth Panurge. 9o, no, ans!ered Pantagruel. <y mind !as only running upon the lurch and tricktrack. Therea ter did he hit, at the third opening o the book, upon this "erse& Foemineo praedae, et spoliorum ardebat amore. * ter the spoil and pillage, as in ire, (e burnt !ith a strong eminine desire. This portendeth, >uoth Pantagruel, that she !ill steal your goods, and rob you. (ence this, according to these three dra!n lots, !ill be your uture destiny, 5 clearly see it,$$you !ill be a cuckold, you !ill be beaten, and you !ill be robbed. 9ay, it is >uite other!ise, >uoth PanurgeE or it is certain that this "erse presageth that she !ill lo"e me !ith a per ect liking. 9or did the satyr$!riting poet lie in proo hereo , !hen he a irmed that a !oman, burning !ith e?treme a ection, takes sometimes pleasure to steal rom her s!eetheart. *nd !hat, 5 pray youK * glo"e, a point, or some such tri ling toy o no importance, to make him keep a gentle kind o stirring in the research and >uest thereo . 5n like manner, these small scolding debates and petty brabbling contentions, !hich re>uently !e see spring up and or a certain space boil "ery hot bet!i?t a couple o high$spirited lo"ers, are nothing else but recreati"e di"ersions or their re reshment, spurs to and incenti"es o a more er"ent amity than e"er. *s, or e?ample, !e do sometimes see cutlers !ith hammers maul their inest !hetstones, there!ith to sharpen their iron tools the better. *nd there ore do 5 think that these three lots make much or my ad"antageE !hich, i not, 5 rom their sentence totally appeal. There is no appellation, >uoth Pantagruel, rom the decrees o ate or destiny, o lot or chanceE as is recorded by our ancient la!yers, !itness Baldus, %ib. ult. Cap. de %eg. The reason hereo is, Fortune doth not ackno!ledge a superior, to !hom an appeal may be made rom her or any o her substitutes. *nd in this case the pupil cannot be restored to his right in ull, as openly by the said author is alleged in %. *it Praetor, paragr. ult. . de minor.

Chapter C.I555. (o! Pantagruel ad"iseth Panurge to try the uture good or bad luck o his marriage by dreams. 9o!, seeing !e cannot agree together in the manner o e?pounding or interpreting the sense o the =irgilian lots, let us bend our course another !ay, and try a ne! sort o di"ination. ' !hat kindK asked Panurge. ' a good ancient and authentic ashion, ans!ered PantagruelE it is by dreams. For in dreaming, such circumstances and conditions being thereto adhibited, as are clearly enough described by (ippocrates, in %ib. Peri ton enupnion, by Plato, Plotin, 5amblicus, +inesius, *ristotle, Ienophon, Galen, Plutarch, *rtemidorus, )aldianus, (erophilus, J. Calaber, Theocritus, Pliny, *thenaeus, and others, the soul doth o tentimes oresee !hat is to come. (o! true this is, you may concei"e by a "ery "ulgar and amiliar e?ampleE as !hen you see that at such a time as suckling babes, !ell nourished, ed, and ostered !ith good milk, sleep soundly and pro oundly, the nurses in the interim get lea"e to sport themsel"es, and are licentiated to recreate their ancies at !hat range to them shall seem most itting and e?pedient, their presence, sedulity, and attendance on

the cradle being, during all that space, held unnecessary. 1"en just so, !hen our body is at rest, that the concoction is e"ery!here accomplished, and that, till it a!ake, it lacks or nothing, our soul delighteth to disport itsel and is !ell pleased in that rolic to take a re"ie! o its nati"e country, !hich is the hea"ens, !here it recei"eth a most notable participation o its irst beginning !ith an imbuement rom its di"ine source, and in contemplation o that in inite and intellectual sphere, !hereo the centre is e"ery!here, and the circum erence in no place o the uni"ersal !orld, to !it, God, according to the doctrine o (ermes Trismegistus, to !hom no ne! thing happeneth, !hom nothing that is past escapeth, and unto !hom all things are alike present, remarketh not only !hat is preterit and gone in the in erior course and agitation o sublunary matters, but !ithal taketh notice !hat is to comeE then bringing a relation o those uture e"ents unto the body o the out!ard senses and e?terior organs, it is di"ulged abroad unto the hearing o others. ;hereupon the o!ner o that soul deser"eth to be termed a "aticinator, or prophet. 9e"ertheless, the truth is, that the soul is seldom able to report those things in such sincerity as it hath seen them, by reason o the imper ection and railty o the corporeal senses, !hich obstruct the e ectuating o that o iceE e"en as the moon doth not communicate unto this earth o ours that light !hich she recei"eth rom the sun !ith so much splendour, heat, "igour, purity, and li"eliness as it !as gi"en her. (ence it is re>uisite or the better reading, e?plaining, and un olding o these somniatory "aticinations and predictions o that nature, that a de?terous, learned, skil ul, !ise, industrious, e?pert, rational, and peremptory e?pounder or interpreter be pitched upon, such a one as by the Greeks is called onirocrit, or oniropolist. For this cause (eraclitus !as !ont to say that nothing is by dreams re"ealed to us, that nothing is by dreams concealed rom us, and that only !e thereby ha"e a mystical signi ication and secret e"idence o things to come, either or our o!n prosperous or unlucky ortune, or or the a"ourable or disastrous success o another. The sacred +criptures testi y no less, and pro ane histories assure us o it, in both !hich are e?posed to our "ie! a thousand se"eral kinds o strange ad"entures, !hich ha"e be allen pat according to the nature o the dream, and that as !ell to the party dreamer as to others. The *tlantic people, and those that inhabit the @isDland o Thasos, one o the Cyclades, are o this grand commodity depri"edE or in their countries none yet e"er dreamed. ' this sort @!ereD Cleon o )aulia, Thrasymedes, and in our days the learned Frenchman =illano"anus, neither o all !hich kne! !hat dreaming !as. Fail not there ore to$morro!, !hen the jolly and air *urora !ith her rosy ingers dra!eth aside the curtains o the night to dri"e a!ay the sable shades o darkness, to bend your spirits !holly to the task o sleeping sound, and thereto apply yoursel . 5n the mean!hile you must denude your mind o e"ery human passion or a ection, such as are lo"e and hatred, ear and hope, or as o old the great "aticinator, most amous and reno!ned prophet Proteus, !as not able in his disguise or trans ormation into ire, !ater, a tiger, a dragon, and other such like uncouth shapes and "isors, to presage anything that !as to come till he !as restored to his o!n irst natural and kindly ormE just so doth manE or, at his reception o the art o di"ination and aculty o prognosticating uture things, that part in him !hich is the most di"ine, to !it, the 9ous, or <ens, must be calm, peaceable, untroubled, >uiet, still, hushed, and not embusied or distracted !ith oreign, soul$disturbing perturbations. 5 am content, >uoth Panurge. But, 5 pray you, sir, must 5 this e"ening, ere 5 go to bed, eat much or littleK 5 do not ask this !ithout cause. For i 5 sup not !ell, large,

round, and amply, my sleeping is not !orth a orked turnip. *ll the night long 5 then but doHe and ra"e, and in my slumbering its talk idle nonsense, my thoughts being in a dull bro!n study, and as deep in their dumps as is my belly hollo!. 9ot to sup, ans!ered Pantagruel, !ere best or you, considering the state o your comple?ion and healthy constitution o your body. * certain "ery ancient prophet, named *mphiaraus, !ished such as had a mind by dreams to be imbued !ith any oracle, or our$and$t!enty hours to taste no "ictuals, and to abstain rom !ine three days together. #et shall not you be put to such a sharp, hard, rigorous, and e?treme sparing diet. 5 am truly right apt to belie"e that a man !hose stomach is replete !ith "arious cheer, and in a manner sur eited !ith drinking, is hardly able to concei"e aright o spiritual thingsE yet am not 5 o the opinion o those !ho, a ter long and pertinacious astings, think by such means to enter more pro oundly into the speculation o celestial mysteries. #ou may "ery !ell remember ho! my ather Gargantua @!hom here or honour sake 5 nameD hath o ten told us that the !ritings o abstinent, abstemious, and long$ asting hermits !ere e"ery !hit as saltless, dry, jejune, and insipid as !ere their bodies !hen they did compose them. 5t is a most di icult thing or the spirits to be in a good plight, serene and li"ely, !hen there is nothing in the body but a kind o "oidness and inanityE seeing the philosophers !ith the physicians jointly a irm that the spirits !hich are styled animal spring rom, and ha"e their constant practice in and through the arterial blood, re ined and puri ied to the li e !ithin the admirable net !hich, !onder ully ramed, lieth under the "entricles and tunnels o the brain. (e ga"e us also the e?ample o the philosopher !ho, !hen he thought most seriously to ha"e !ithdra!n himsel unto a solitary pri"acy, ar rom the rustling clutterments o the tumultuous and con used !orld, the better to impro"e his theory, to contri"e, comment, and ratiocinate, !as, not!ithstanding his uttermost endea"ours to ree himsel rom all unto!ard noises, surrounded and en"ironed about so !ith the barking o curs, ba!ling o masti s, bleating o sheep, prating o parrots, tattling o jackda!s, grunting o s!ine, girning o boars, yelping o o?es, me!ing o cats, cheeping o mice, s>ueaking o !easels, croaking o rogs, cro!ing o cocks, cackling o hens, calling o partridges, chanting o s!ans, chattering o jays, peeping o chickens, singing o larks, creaking o geese, chirping o s!allo!s, clucking o moor o!ls, cucking o cuckoos, bumbling o bees, rammage o ha!ks, chirming o linnets, croaking o ra"ens, screeching o o!ls, !hicking o pigs, gushing o hogs, curring o pigeons, grumbling o cushat$do"es, ho!ling o panthers, curkling o >uails, chirping o sparro!s, crackling o cro!s, nuHHing o camels, !heening o !helps, buHHing o dromedaries, mumbling o rabbits, cricking o errets, humming o !asps, mioling o tigers, bruHHing o bears, sussing o kitlings, clamouring o scar s, !himpering o ulmarts, booing o bu aloes, !arbling o nightingales, >ua"ering o ma"ises, drintling o turkeys, coniating o storks, rantling o peacocks, clattering o magpies, murmuring o stock$do"es, crouting o cormorants, cigling o locusts, charming o beagles, guarring o puppies, snarling o messens, rantling o rats, guerieting o apes, snuttering o monkeys, pioling o pelicans, >uacking o ducks, yelling o !ol"es, roaring o lions, neighing o horses, crying o elephants, hissing o serpents, and !ailing o turtles, that he !as much more troubled than i he had been in the middle o the cro!d at the air o Fontenay or 9iort. 7ust so is it !ith those !ho are tormented !ith the grie"ous pangs o hunger. The stomach begins to gna!, and bark, as it !ere, the eyes to look dim, and the "eins, by greedily sucking some re ection to themsel"es rom the proper substance o all the members o a leshy

consistence, "iolently pull do!n and dra! back that "agrant, roaming spirit, careless and neglecting o his nurse and natural host, !hich is the bodyE as !hen a ha!k upon the ist, !illing to take her light by a soaring alo t in the open spacious air, is on a sudden dra!n back by a leash tied to her eet. To this purpose also did he allege unto us the authority o (omer, the ather o all philosophy, !ho said that the Grecians did not put an end to their mourn ul mood or the death o Patroclus, the most intimate riend o *chilles, till hunger in a rage declared hersel , and their bellies protested to urnish no more tears unto their grie . For rom bodies emptied and macerated by long asting there could not be such supply o moisture and brackish drops as might be proper on that occasion. <ediocrity at all times is commendableE nor in this case are you to abandon it. #ou may take a little supper, but thereat must you not eat o a hare, nor o any other lesh. #ou are like!ise to abstain rom beans, rom the preak, by some called the polyp, as also rom cole!orts, cabbage, and all other such like !indy "ictuals, !hich may endanger the troubling o your brains and the dimming or casting a kind o mist o"er your animal spirits. For, as a looking$glass cannot e?hibit the semblance or representation o the object set be ore it, and e?posed to ha"e its image to the li e e?pressed, i that the polished sleekedness thereo be darkened by gross breathings, dampish "apours, and oggy, thick, in ectious e?halations, e"en so the ancy cannot !ell recei"e the impression o the likeness o those things !hich di"ination doth a ord by dreams, i any !ay the body be annoyed or troubled !ith the umish steam o meat !hich it had taken in a !hile be oreE because bet!i?t these t!o there still hath been a mutual sympathy and ello!$ eeling o an indissolubly knit a ection. #ou shall eat good 1usebian and Bergamot pears, one apple o the short$shank pippin kind, a parcel o the little plums o Tours, and some e! cherries o the gro!th o my orchard. 9or shall you need to ear that thereupon !ill ensue doubt ul dreams, allacious, uncertain, and not to be trusted to, as by some peripatetic philosophers hath been relatedE or that, say they, men do more copiously in the season o har"est eed on ruitages than at any other time. The same is mystically taught us by the ancient prophets and poets, !ho allege that all "ain and deceit ul dreams lie hid and in co"ert under the lea"es !hich are spread on the ground$$by reason that the lea"es all rom the trees in the autumnal >uarter. For the natural er"our !hich, abounding in ripe, resh, recent ruits, cometh by the >uickness o its ebullition to be !ith ease e"aporated into the animal parts o the dreaming person$$the e?periment is ob"ious in most$$is a pretty !hile be ore it be e?pired, dissol"ed, and e"anished. *s or your drink, you are to ha"e it o the air, pure !ater o my ountain. The condition, >uoth Panurge, is "ery hard. 9e"ertheless, cost !hat price it !ill, or !hatsoe"er come o it, 5 heartily condescend theretoE protesting that 5 shall to$morro! break my ast betimes a ter my somniatory e?ercitations. Furthermore, 5 recommend mysel to (omer's t!o gates, to <orpheus, to 5selon, to Phantasus, and unto Phobetor. 5 they in this my great need succour me and grant me that assistance !hich is itting, 5 !ill in honour o them all erect a jolly, genteel altar, composed o the so test do!n. 5 5 !ere no! in %aconia, in the temple o 7uno, bet!i?t 'etile and Thalamis, she suddenly !ould disentangle my perple?ity, resol"e me o my doubts, and cheer me up !ith air and jo"ial dreams in a deep sleep. Then did he say thus unto Pantagruel& +ir, !ere it not e?pedient or my

purpose to put a branch or t!o o curious laurel bet!i?t the >uilt and bolster o my bed, under the pillo! on !hich my head must leanK There is no need at all o that, >uoth PantagruelE or, besides that it is a thing "ery superstitious, the cheat thereo hath been at large disco"ered unto us in the !ritings o +erapion, *scalonites, *ntiphon, Philochorus, *rtemon, and Fulgentius Planciades. 5 could say as much to you o the le t shoulder o a crocodile, as also o a chameleon, !ithout prejudice be it spoken to the credit !hich is due to the opinion o old )emocritusE and like!ise o the stone o the Bactrians, called 1umetrides, and o the *mmonian hornE or so by the *ethiopians is termed a certain precious stone, coloured like gold, and in the ashion, shape, orm, and proportion o a ram's horn, as the horn o 7upiter *mmon is reported to ha"e been& they o"er and abo"e assuredly a irming that the dreams o those !ho carry it about them are no less "eritable and in allible than the truth o the di"ine oracles. 9or is this much unlike to !hat (omer and =irgil !rote o these t!o gates o sleep, to !hich you ha"e been pleased to recommend the management o !hat you ha"e in hand. The one is o i"ory, !hich letteth in con used, doubt ul, and uncertain dreamsE or through i"ory, ho! small and slender soe"er it be, !e can see nothing, the density, opacity, and close compactedness o its material parts hindering the penetration o the "isual rays and the reception o the specieses o such things as are "isible. The other is o horn, at !hich an entry is made to sure and certain dreams, e"en as through horn, by reason o the diaphanous splendour and bright transparency thereo , the species o all objects o the sight distinctly pass, and so !ithout con usion appear, that they are clearly seen. #our meaning is, and you !ould thereby in er, >uoth Friar 7ohn, that the dreams o all horned cuckolds, o !hich number Panurge, by the help o God and his uture !i e, is !ithout contro"ersy to be one, are al!ays true and in allible.

Chapter C.I5=. Panurge's dream, !ith the interpretation thereo . *t se"en o'clock o the ne?t ollo!ing morning Panurge did not ail to present himsel be ore Pantagruel, in !hose chamber !ere at that time 1pistemon, Friar 7ohn o the Funnels, Ponocrates, 1udemon, Carpalin, and others, to !hom, at the entry o Panurge, Pantagruel said, %oL here cometh our dreamer. That !ord, >uoth 1pistemon, in ancient times cost "ery much, and !as dearly sold to the children o 7acob. Then said Panurge, 5 ha"e been plunged into my dumps so deeply, as i 5 had been lodged !ith Ga er 9oddy$cap. )reamed indeed 5 ha"e, and that right lustilyE but 5 could take along !ith me no more thereo that 5 did goodly understand sa"e only that 5 in my "ision had a pretty, air, young, gallant, handsome !oman, !ho no less lo"ingly and kindly treated and entertained me, hugged, cherished, cockered, dandled, and made much o me, as i 5 had been another neat dilly$darling minion, like *donis. 9e"er !as man more glad than 5 !as thenE my joy at that time !as incomparable. +he lattered me, tickled me, stroked me, groped me, riHHled me, curled me, kissed me, embraced me, laid her hands about my neck, and no! and then made jestingly pretty little horns abo"e my orehead. 5 told her in the like disport, as 5 did play the ool !ith her, that she should rather place and i? them in a little belo! mine eyes, that 5 might see the better !hat 5 should stick at !ith themE or, being so situated, <omus then !ould ind no ault there!ith, as he did once !ith the position o the horns o bulls. The !anton, toying girl,

not!ithstanding any remonstrance o mine to the contrary, did al!ays dri"e and thrust them urther inE yet thereby, !hich to me seemed !onder ul, she did not do me any hurt at all. * little a ter, though 5 kno! not ho!, 5 thought 5 !as trans ormed into a tabor, and she into a chough. <y sleeping there being interrupted, 5 a!aked in a start, angry, displeased, perple?ed, cha ing, and "ery !roth. There ha"e you a large platter ul o dreams, make thereupon good cheer, and, i you please, spare not to interpret them according to the understanding !hich you may ha"e in them. Come, Carpalin, let us to break ast. To my sense and meaning, >uoth Pantagruel, i 5 ha"e skill or kno!ledge in the art o di"ination by dreams, your !i e !ill not really, and to the out!ard appearance o the !orld, plant or set horns, and stick them ast in your orehead, a ter a "isible manner, as satyrs use to !ear and carry themE but she !ill be so ar rom preser"ing hersel loyal in the discharge and obser"ance o a conjugal duty, that, on the contrary, she !ill "iolate her plighted aith, break her marriage$oath, in ringe all matrimonial ties, prostitute her body to the dalliance o other men, and so make you a cuckold. This point is clearly and mani estly e?plained and e?pounded by *rtemidorus just as 5 ha"e related it. 9or !ill there be any metamorphosis or transmutation made o you into a drum or tabor, but you !ill surely be as soundly beaten as e"er !as tabor at a merry !edding. 9or yet !ill she be changed into a chough, but !ill steal rom you, chie ly in the night, as is the nature o that thie"ish bird. (ereby may you percei"e your dreams to be in e"ery jot con orm and agreeable to the =irgilian lots. * cuckold you !ill be, beaten and robbed. Then cried out Father 7ohn !ith a loud "oice, (e tells the truthE upon my conscience, thou !ilt be a cuckold$$an honest one, 5 !arrant thee. ' the bra"e horns that !ill be borne by theeL (a, ha, haL 'ur good <aster de Cornibus. God sa"e thee, and shield theeL ;ilt thou be pleased to preach but t!o !ords o a sermon to us, and 5 !ill go through the parish church to gather up alms or the poor. #ou are, >uoth Panurge, "ery ar mistaken in your interpretationE or the matter is >uite contrary to your sense thereo . <y dream presageth that 5 shall by marriage be stored !ith plenty o all manner o goods$$the horni ying o me sho!ing that 5 !ill possess a cornucopia, that *malthaean horn !hich is called the horn o abundance, !hereo the ruition did still portend the !ealth o the enjoyer. #ou possibly !ill say that they are rather like to be satyr's hornsE or you o these did make some mention. *men, *men, Fiat, iatur, ad di erentiam papae. Thus shall 5 ha"e my touch$her$home still ready. <y sta o lo"e, sempiternally in a good case, !ill, satyr$like, be ne"er toiled out$$a thing !hich all men !ish or, and send up their prayers to that purpose, but such a thing as ne"ertheless is granted but to a e!. (ence doth it ollo! by a conse>uence as clear as the sunbeams that 5 !ill ne"er be in the danger o being made a cuckold, or the de ect hereo is Causa sine >ua nonE yea, the sole cause, as many think, o making husbands cuckolds. ;hat makes poor scoundrel rogues to beg, 5 pray youK 5s it not because they ha"e not enough at home !here!ith to ill their bellies and their pokesK ;hat is it makes the !ol"es to lea"e the !oodsK 5s it not the !ant o lesh meatK ;hat maketh !omen !horesK #ou understand me !ell enough. *nd herein may 5 "ery !ell submit my opinion to the judgment o learned la!yers, presidents, counsellors, ad"ocates, procurers, attorneys, and other glossers and commentators on the "enerable rubric, )e rigidis et male iciatis. #ou are, in truth, sir, as it seems to me @e?cuse my boldness i 5 ha"e transgressedD, in a most palpable and absurd error to attribute my horns to cuckoldry. )iana !ears them on her head a ter the manner o a crescent.

5s she a cuc>uean or thatK (o! the de"il can she be cuckolded !ho ne"er yet !as marriedK +peak some!hat more correctly, 5 beseech you, lest she, being o ended, urnish you !ith a pair o horns shapen by the pattern o those !hich she made or *ctaeon. The goodly Bacchus also carries horns, $$Pan, 7upiter *mmon, !ith a great many others. *re they all cuckoldsK 5 7o"e be a cuckold, 7uno is a !hore. This ollo!s by the igure metalepsis& as to call a child, in the presence o his ather and mother, a bastard, or !hore's son, is tacitly and underboard no less than i he had said openly the ather is a cuckold and his !i e a punk. %et our discourse come nearer to the purpose. The horns that my !i e did make me are horns o abundance, planted and gra ted in my head or the increase and shooting up o all good things. This !ill 5 a irm or truth, upon my !ord, and pa!n my aith and credit both upon it. *s or the rest, 5 !ill be no less joy ul, rolic, glad, cheer ul, merry, jolly, and gamesome, than a !ell$bended tabor in the hands o a good drummer at a nuptial east, still making a noise, still rolling, still buHHing and cracking. Belie"e me, sir, in that consisteth none o my least good ortunes. *nd my !i e !ill be jocund, eat, compt, neat, >uaint, dainty, trim, tricked up, brisk, smirk, and smug, e"en as a pretty little Cornish chough. ;ho !ill not belie"e this, let hell or the gallo!s be the burden o his Christmas carol. 5 remark, >uoth Pantagruel, the last point or particle !hich you did speak o , and, ha"ing seriously con erred it !ith the irst, ind that at the beginning you !ere delighted !ith the s!eetness o your dreamE but in the end and inal closure o it you startingly a!aked, and on a sudden !ere orth!ith "e?ed in choler and annoyed. #ea, >uoth Panurge, the reason o that !as because 5 had asted too long. Flatter not yoursel , >uoth PantagruelE all !ill go to ruin. :no! or a certain truth, that e"ery sleep that endeth !ith a starting, and lea"es the person irksome, grie"ed, and retting, doth either signi y a present e"il, or other!ise presageth and portendeth a uture imminent mishap. To signi y an e"il, that is to say, to sho! some sickness hardly curable, a kind o pestilentious or malignant boil, botch, or sore, lying and lurking hid, occult, and latent !ithin the "ery centre o the body, !hich many times doth by the means o sleep, !hose nature is to rein orce and strengthen the aculty and "irtue o concoction, being according to the theorems o physic to declare itsel , and mo"es to!ard the out!ard super icies. *t this sad stirring is the sleeper's rest and ease disturbed and broken, !hereo the irst eeling and stinging smart admonisheth that he must patiently endure great pain and trouble, and thereunto pro"ide some remedyE as !hen !e say pro"erbially, to incense hornets, to mo"e a stinking puddle, and to a!ake a sleeping lion, instead o these more usual e?pressions, and o a more amiliar and plain meaning, to pro"oke angry persons, to make a thing the !orse by meddling !ith it, and to irritate a testy choleric man !hen he is at >uiet. 'n the other part, to presage or oretell an e"il, especially in !hat concerneth the e?ploits o the soul in matter o somnial di"inations, is as much to say as that it gi"eth us to understand that some dismal ortune or mischance is destinated and prepared or us, !hich shortly !ill not ail to come to pass. * clear and e"ident e?ample hereo is to be ound in the dream and dread ul a!aking o (ecuba, as like!ise in that o 1urydice, the !i e o 'rpheus, neither o !hich !as @noD sooner inished, saith 1nnius, but that incontinently therea ter they a!aked in a start, and !ere a righted horribly. Thereupon these accidents ensued& (ecuba had her husband Priamus, together !ith her children, slain be ore her eyes, and sa! then the destruction o her countryE and 1urydice died speedily therea ter in a most miserable manner. *eneas, dreaming that he spoke to (ector a little a ter his decease, did on a sudden in a great start a!ake, and !as

a raid. 9o! hereupon did ollo! this e"ent& Troy that same night !as spoiled, sacked, and burnt. *t another time the same *eneas dreaming that he sa! his amiliar geniuses and penates, in a ghastly right and astonishment a!aked, o !hich terror and amaHement the issue !as, that the "ery ne?t day subse>uent, by a most horrible tempest on the sea, he !as like to ha"e perished and been cast a!ay. <oreo"er, Turnus being prompted, instigated, and stirred up by the antastic "ision o an in ernal ury to enter into a bloody !ar against *eneas, a!aked in a start much troubled and dis>uieted in spiritE in se>uel !hereo , a ter many notable and amous routs, de eats, and discom itures in open ield, he came at last to be killed in a single combat by the said *eneas. * thousand other instances 5 could a ord, i it !ere need ul, o this matter. ;hilst 5 relate these stories o *eneas, remark the saying o Fabius Pictor, !ho aith ully a"erred that nothing had at any time be allen unto, !as done, or enterprised by him, !hereo he preallably had not notice, and be orehand oreseen it to the ull, by sure predictions altogether ounded on the oracles o somnial di"ination. To this there is no !ant o pregnant reasons, no more than o e?amples. For i repose and rest in sleeping be a special gi t and a"our o the gods, as is maintained by the philosophers, and by the poet attested in these lines, Then sleep, that hea"enly gi t, came to re resh ' human labourers the !earied leshE such a gi t or bene it can ne"er inish or terminate in !rath and indignation !ithout portending some unlucky ate and most disastrous ortune to ensue. 'ther!ise it !ere a molestation, and not an easeE a scourge, and not a gi tE at least, @notD proceeding rom the gods abo"e, but rom the in ernal de"ils our enemies, according to the common "ulgar saying. +uppose the lord, ather, or master o a amily, sitting at a "ery sumptuous dinner, urnished !ith all manner o good cheer, and ha"ing at his entry to the table his appetite sharp set upon his "ictuals, !hereo there !as great plenty, should be seen rise in a start, and on a sudden ling out o his chair, abandoning his meat, righted, appalled, and in a horrid terror, !ho should not kno! the cause hereo !ould !onder, and be astonished e?ceedingly. But !hatK he heard his male ser"ants cry, Fire, ire, ire, ireL his ser"ing$maids and !omen yell, +top thie , stop thie L and all his children shout as loud as e"er they could, <urder, ' murder, murderL Then !as it not high time or him to lea"e his ban>ueting, or application o a remedy in haste, and to gi"e speedy order or succouring o his distressed householdK Truly 5 remember that the Cabalists and <assorets, interpreters o the sacred +criptures, in treating ho! !ith "erity one might judge o e"angelical apparitions @because o tentimes the angel o +atan is disguised and trans igured into an angel o lightD, said that the di erence o these t!o mainly did consist in this& the a"ourable and com orting angel useth in his appearing unto man at irst to terri y and hugely a right him, but in the end he bringeth consolation, lea"eth the person !ho hath seen him joy ul, !ell$pleased, ully content, and satis iedE on the other side, the angel o perdition, that !icked, de"ilish, and malignant spirit, at his appearance unto any person in the beginning cheereth up the heart o his beholder, but at last orsakes him, and lea"es him troubled, angry, and perple?ed.

Chapter C.I=. Panurge's e?cuse and e?position o the monastic mystery concerning po!dered bee . The %ord sa"e those !ho see, and do not hearL >uoth Panurge. 5 see you !ell enough, but kno! not !hat it is that you ha"e said. The hunger$star"ed belly !anteth ears. For lack o "ictuals, be ore God, 5 roar, bray, yell, and ume as in a urious madness. 5 ha"e per ormed too hard a task to$day, an e?traordinary !ork indeed. (e shall be cra tier, and do ar greater !onders than e"er did <r. <ush, !ho shall be able any more this year to bring me on the stage o preparation or a dreaming "erdict. FieL not to sup at all, that is the de"il. Po? take that ashionL Come, Friar 7ohn, let us go break our astE or, i 5 hit on such a round re ection in the morning as !ill ser"e thoroughly to ill the mill$hopper and hogs$hide o my stomach, and urnish it !ith meat and drink su icient, then at a pinch, as in the case o some e?treme necessity !hich presseth, 5 could make a shi t that day to orbear dining. But not to supL * plague rot that base custom, !hich is an error o ensi"e to 9atureL That lady made the day or e?ercise, to tra"el, !ork, !ait on and labour in each his negotiation and employmentE and that !e may !ith the more er"ency and ardour prosecute our business, she sets be ore us a clear burning candle, to !it, the sun's resplendencyE and at night, !hen she begins to take the light rom us, she thereby tacitly implies no less than i she !ould ha"e spoken thus unto us& <y lads and lasses, all o you are good and honest olks, you ha"e !rought !ell to$day, toiled and turmoiled enough,$$the night approacheth,$$there ore cast o these moiling cares o yours, desist rom all your s!inking pain ul labours, and set your minds ho! to re resh your bodies in the rene!ing o their "igour !ith good bread, choice !ine, and store o !holesome meatsE then may you take some sport and recreation, and a ter that lie do!n and rest yoursel"es, that you may strongly, nimbly, lustily, and !ith the more alacrity to$morro! attend on your a airs as ormerly. Falconers, in like manner, !hen they ha"e ed their ha!ks, !ill not su er them to ly on a ull gorge, but let them on a perch abide a little, that they may rouse, bait, to!er, and soar the better. That good pope !ho !as the irst institutor o asting understood this !ell enoughE or he ordained that our ast should reach but to the hour o noonE all the remainder o that day !as at our disposure, reely to eat and eed at any time thereo . 5n ancient times there !ere but e! that dined, as you !ould say, some church men, monks and canonsE or they ha"e little other occupation. 1ach day is a esti"al unto them, !ho diligently heed the claustral pro"erb, )e missa ad mensam. They do not use to linger and de er their sitting do!n and placing o themsel"es at table, only so long as they ha"e a mind in !aiting or the coming o the abbotE so they ell to !ithout ceremony, terms, or conditionsE and e"erybody supped, unless it !ere some "ain, conceited, dreaming dotard. (ence !as a supper called coena, !hich sho!eth that it is common to all sorts o people. Thou kno!est it !ell, Friar 7ohn. Come, let us go, my dear riend, in the name o all the de"ils o the in ernal regions, let us go. The gna!ings o my stomach in this rage o hunger are so tearing, that they make it bark like a masti . %et us thro! some bread and bee into his throat to paci y him, as once the sibyl did to Cerberus. Thou likest best monastical bre!is, the prime, the lo!er o the pot. 5 am or the solid, principal "erb that comes a ter $$the good bro!n loa , al!ays accompanied !ith a round slice o the nine$lecture$po!dered labourer. 5 kno! thy meaning, ans!ered Friar 7ohnE

this metaphor is e?tracted out o the claustral kettle. The labourer is the o? that hath !rought and done the labourE a ter the ashion o nine lectures, that is to say, most e?>uisitely !ell and thoroughly boiled. These holy religious athers, by a certain cabalistic institution o the ancients, not !ritten, but care ully by tradition con"eyed rom hand to hand, rising betimes to go to morning prayers, !ere !ont to lourish that their matutinal de"otion !ith some certain notable preambles be ore their entry into the church, "iH., they dunged in the dungeries, pissed in the pisseries, spit in the spitteries, melodiously coughed in the cougheries, and doted in their dotaries, that to the di"ine ser"ice they might not bring anything that !as unclean or oul. These things thus done, they "ery Healously made their repair to the (oly Chapel, or so !as in their canting language termed the con"ent kitchen, !here they !ith no small earnestness had care that the bee $pot should be put on the crook or the break ast o the religious brothers o our %ord and +a"iourE and the ire they !ould kindle under the pot themsel"es. 9o!, the matins consisting o nine lessons, @itD it !as so incumbent on them, that must ha"e risen the rather or the more e?pedite despatching o them all. The sooner that they rose, the sharper !as their appetite and the barkings o their stomachs, and the gna!ings increased in the like proportion, and conse>uently made these godly men thrice more a$hungered and athirst than !hen their matins !ere hemmed o"er only !ith three lessons. The more betimes they rose, by the said cabal, the sooner !as the bee $pot put onE the longer that the bee !as on the ire, the better it !as boiledE the more it boiled, it !as the tendererE the tenderer that it !as, the less it troubled the teeth, delighted more the palate, less charged the stomach, and nourished our good religious men the more substantiallyE !hich is the only end and prime intention o the irst ounders, as appears by this, that they eat not to li"e, but li"e to eat, and in this !orld ha"e nothing but their li e. %et us go, Panurge. 9o! ha"e 5 understood thee, >uoth Panurge, my plushcod riar, my caballine and claustral ballock. 5 reely >uit the costs, interest, and charges, seeing you ha"e so egregiously commented upon the most especial chapter o the culinary and monastic cabal. Come along, my Carpalin, and you, Friar 7ohn, my leather$dresser. Good morro! to you all, my good lordsE 5 ha"e dreamed too much to ha"e so little. %et us go. Panurge had no sooner done speaking than 1pistemon !ith a loud "oice said these !ords& 5t is a "ery ordinary and common thing amongst men to concei"e, oresee, kno!, and presage the mis ortune, bad luck, or disaster o anotherE but to ha"e the understanding, pro"idence, kno!ledge, and prediction o a man's o!n mishap is "ery scarce and rare to be ound any!here. This is e?ceeding judiciously and prudently deciphered by *esop in his *pologues, !ho there a irmeth that e"ery man in the !orld carrieth about his neck a !allet, in the ore$bag !hereo !ere contained the aults and mischances o others al!ays e?posed to his "ie! and kno!ledgeE and in the other scrip thereo , !hich hangs behind, are kept the bearer's proper transgressions and inauspicious ad"entures, at no time seen by him, nor thought upon, unless he be a person that hath a a"ourable aspect rom the hea"ens.

Chapter C.I=5. (o! Pantagruel ad"iseth Panurge to consult !ith the +ibyl o PanHoust. * little !hile therea ter Pantagruel sent or Panurge and said unto him, The a ection !hich 5 bear you being no! in"eterate and settled in my mind

by a long continuance o time, prompteth me to the serious consideration o your !el are and pro itE in order !hereto, remark !hat 5 ha"e thought thereon. 5t hath been told me that at PanHoust, near Crouly, d!elleth a "ery amous sibyl, !ho is endo!ed !ith the skill o oretelling all things to come. Take 1pistemon in your company, repair to!ards her, and hear !hat she !ill say unto you. +he is possibly, >uoth 1pistemon, some Canidia, +agana, or Pythonissa, either !hereo !ith us is "ulgarly called a !itch, $$5 being the more easily induced to gi"e credit to the truth o this character o her, that the place o her abode is "ilely stained !ith the abominable repute o abounding more !ith sorcerers and !itches than e"er did the plains o Thessaly. 5 should not, to my thinking, go thither !illingly, or that it seems to me a thing un!arrantable, and altogether orbidden in the la! o <oses. ;e are not 7e!s, >uoth Pantagruel, nor is it a matter judiciously con essed by her, nor authentically pro"ed by others that she is a !itch. %et us or the present suspend our judgment, and de er till a ter your return rom thence the si ting and garbling o those niceties. )o !e kno! but that she may be an ele"enth sibyl or a second CassandraK But although she !ere neither, and she did not merit the name or title o any o these reno!ned prophetesses, !hat haHard, in the name o God, do you run by o ering to talk and con er !ith her o the instant perple?ity and perturbation o your thoughtsK +eeing especially, and !hich is most o all, she is, in the estimation o those that are ac>uainted !ith her, held to kno! more, and to be o a deeper reach o understanding, than is either customary to the country !herein she li"eth or to the se? !hereo she is. ;hat hindrance, hurt, or harm doth the laudable desire o kno!ledge bring to any man, !ere it rom a sot, a pot, a ool, a stool, a !inter mitten, a truckle or a pulley, the lid o a goldsmith's crucible, an oil$bottle, or old slipperK #ou may remember to ha"e read, or heard at least, that *le?ander the Great, immediately a ter his ha"ing obtained a glorious "ictory o"er the :ing )arius in *rbela, re used, in the presence o the splendid and illustrious courtiers that !ere about him, to gi"e audience to a poor certain despicable$like ello!, !ho through the solicitations and mediation o some o his royal attendants !as admitted humbly to beg that grace and a"our o him. But sore did he repent, although in "ain, a thousand and ten thousand times therea ter, the surly state !hich he then took upon him to the denial o so just a suit, the grant !hereo !ould ha"e been !orth unto him the "alue o a brace o potent cities. (e !as indeed "ictorious in Persia, but !ithal so ar distant rom <acedonia, his hereditary kingdom, that the joy o the one did not e?pel the e?treme grie !hich through occasion o the other he had in!ardly concei"edE or, not being able !ith all his po!er to ind or in"ent a con"enient mean and e?pedient ho! to get or come by the certainty o any ne!s rom thence, both by reason o the huge remoteness o the places rom one to another, as also because o the impediti"e interposition o many great ri"ers, the interjacent obstacle o di"ers !ild deserts, and obstructi"e interjection o sundry almost inaccessible mountains,$$!hilst he !as in this sad >uandary and solicitous pensi"eness, !hich, you may suppose, could not be o a small "e?ation to him, considering that it !as a matter o no great di iculty to run o"er his !hole nati"e soil, possess his country, seiHe on his kingdom, install a ne! king in the throne, and plant thereon oreign colonies, long be ore he could come to ha"e any ad"ertisement o it& or ob"iating the jeopardy o so dread ul incon"eniency, and putting a it remedy thereto, a certain +idonian merchant o a lo! stature but high ancy, "ery poor in sho!, and to the out!ard appearance o little or no account, ha"ing presented himsel be ore him, !ent about to a irm and declare that he had e?cogitated and hit upon a ready mean and !ay by the !hich those o his territories at home should

come to the certain notice o his 5ndian "ictories, and himsel be per ectly in ormed o the state and condition o 1gypt and <acedonia !ithin less than i"e days. ;hereupon the said *le?ander, plunged into a sullen animad"ertency o mind, through his rash opinion o the improbability o per orming a so strange and impossible$like undertaking, dismissed the merchant !ithout gi"ing ear to !hat he had to say, and "ili ied him. ;hat could it ha"e cost him to hearken unto !hat the honest man had in"ented and contri"ed or his goodK ;hat detriment, annoyance, damage, or loss could he ha"e undergone to listen to the disco"ery o that secret !hich the good ello! !ould ha"e most !illingly re"ealed unto himK 9ature, 5 am persuaded, did not !ithout a cause rame our ears open, putting thereto no gate at all, nor shutting them up !ith any manner o enclosures, as she hath done unto the tongue, the eyes, and other such out$jetting parts o the body. The cause, as 5 imagine, is to the end that e"ery day and e"ery night, and that continually, !e may be ready to hear, and by a perpetual hearing apt to learn. For, o all the senses, it is the ittest or the reception o the kno!ledge o arts, sciences, and disciplinesE and it may be that man !as an angel, that is to say, a messenger sent rom God, as Raphael !as to Tobit. Too suddenly did he contemn, despise, and misregard himE but too long therea ter, by an untimely and too late repentance, did he do penance or it. #ou say "ery !ell, ans!ered 1pistemon, yet shall you ne"er or all that induce me to belie"e that it can tend any !ay to the ad"antage or commodity o a man to take ad"ice and counsel o a !oman, namely, o such a !oman, and the !oman o such a country. Truly 5 ha"e ound, >uoth Panurge, a great deal o good in the counsel o !omen, chie ly in that o the old !i"es amongst themE or e"ery time 5 consult !ith them 5 readily get a stool or t!o e?traordinary, to the great solace o my bumgut passage. They are as sleuthhounds in the in allibility o their scent, and in their sayings no less sententious than the rubrics o the la!. There ore in my conceit it is not an improper kind o speech to call them sage or !ise !omen. 5n con irmation o !hich opinion o mine, the customary style o my language allo!eth them the denomination o presage !omen. The epithet o sage is due unto them because they are surpassing de?terous in the kno!ledge o most things. *nd 5 gi"e them the title o presage, or that they di"inely oresee and certainly oretell uture contingencies and e"ents o things to come. +ometimes 5 call them not maunettes, but monettes, rom their !holesome monitions. ;hether it be so, ask Pythagoras, +ocrates, 1mpedocles, and our master 'rtuinus. 5 urthermore praise and commend abo"e the skies the ancient memorable institution o the pristine Germans, !ho ordained the responses and documents o old !omen to be highly e?tolled, most cordially re"erenced, and priHed at a rate in nothing in erior to the !eight, test, and standard o the sanctuary. *nd as they !ere respect ully prudent in recei"ing o these sound ad"ices, so by honouring and ollo!ing them did they pro"e no less ortunate in the happy success o all their endea"ours. ;itness the old !i e *urinia, and the good mother =elled, in the days o =espasian. #ou need not any !ay doubt but that eminine old age is al!ays ructi ying in >ualities sublime$$5 !ould ha"e said sibylline. %et us go, by the help, let us go, by the "irtue o God, let us go. Fare!ell, Friar 7ohn, 5 recommend the care o my codpiece to you. ;ell, >uoth 1pistemon, 5 !ill ollo! you, !ith this protestation ne"ertheless, that i 5 happen to get a sure in ormation, or other!ise ind that she doth use any kind o charm or enchantment in her responses, it may not be imputed to me or a blame to lea"e you at the gate o her house, !ithout accompanying you any urther in.

Chapter C.I=55. (o! Panurge spoke to the +ibyl o PanHoust. Their "oyage !as three days journeying. 'n the third !hereo !as sho!n unto them the house o the "aticinatress standing on the knap or top o a hill, under a large and spacious !alnut$tree. ;ithout great di iculty they entered into that stra!$thatched cottage, scur"ily built, naughtily mo"abled, and all besmoked. 5t matters not, >uoth 1pistemonE (eraclitus, the grand +cotist and tenebrous darksome philosopher, !as nothing astonished at his introit into such a coarse and paltry habitationE or he did usually sho! orth unto his sectators and disciples that the gods made as cheer ully their residence in these mean homely mansions as in sumptuous magni ic palaces, replenished !ith all manner o delight, pomp, and pleasure. 5 !ithal do really belie"e that the d!elling$place o the so amous and reno!ned (ecate !as just such another petty cell as this is, !hen she made a east therein to the "aliant TheseusE and that o no other better structure !as the cot or cabin o (yreus, or 'enopion, !herein 7upiter, 9eptune, and <ercury !ere not ashamed, all three together, to harbour and sojourn a !hole night, and there to take a ull and hearty repastE or the payment o the shot they thank ully pissed 'rion. They inding the ancient !oman at a corner o her o!n chimney, 1pistemon said, +he is indeed a true sibyl, and the li"ely portrait o one represented by the Grei kaminoi o (omer. The old hag !as in a piti ul bad plight and condition in matter o the out!ard state and comple?ion o her body, the ragged and tattered e>uipage o her person in the point o accoutrement, and beggarly poor pro"ision o are or her diet and entertainmentE or she !as ill apparelled, !orse nourished, toothless, blear$eyed, crook$shouldered, snotty, her nose still dropping, and hersel still drooping, aint, and pithlessE !hilst in this !oe ully !retched case she !as making ready or her dinner porridge o !rinkled green cole!orts, !ith a bit skin o yello! bacon, mi?ed !ith a t!ice$be ore$cooked sort o !aterish, unsa"oury broth, e?tracted out o bare and hollo! bones. 1pistemon said, By the cross o a groat, !e are to blame, nor shall !e get rom her any response at all, or !e ha"e not brought along !ith us the branch o gold. 5 ha"e, >uoth Panurge, pro"ided pretty !ell or that, or here 5 ha"e it !ithin my bag, in the substance o a gold ring, accompanied !ith some air pieces o small money. 9o sooner !ere these !ords spoken, !hen Panurge coming up to!ards her, a ter the ceremonial per ormance o a pro ound and humble salutation, presented her !ith si? neat's tongues dried in the smoke, a great butter$pot ull o resh cheese, a borachio urnished !ith good be"erage, and a ram's cod stored !ith single pence, ne!ly coined. *t last he, !ith a lo! courtesy, put on her medical inger a pretty handsome golden ring, !hereinto !as right arti icially enchased a precious toadstone o Beausse. This done, in e! !ords and "ery succinctly, did he set open and e?pose unto her the moti"e reason o his coming, most ci"illy and courteously entreating her that she might be pleased to "ouchsa e to gi"e him an ample and plenary intelligence concerning the uture good luck o his intended marriage. The old trot or a !hile remained silent, pensi"e, and grinning like a dogE then, a ter she had set her !ithered breech upon the bottom o a bushel, she took into her hands three old spindles, !hich !hen she had turned and !hirled bet!i?t her ingers "ery di"ersely and a ter se"eral ashions, she pried more narro!ly into, by the trial o their points, the sharpest !hereo she retained in her hand, and thre! the other t!o under a stone

trough. * ter this she took a pair o yarn !indles, !hich she nine times unintermittedly "eered and risked aboutE then at the ninth re"olution or turn, !ithout touching them any more, maturely perpending the manner o their motion, she "ery demurely !aited on their repose and cessation rom any urther stirring. 5n se>uel !hereo she pulled o one o her !ooden pattens, put her apron o"er her head, as a priest uses to do his amice !hen he is going to sing mass, and !ith a kind o anti>ue, gaudy, party$coloured string knit it under her neck. Being thus co"ered and mu led, she !hi ed o a lusty good draught out o the borachio, took three se"eral pence orth o the ramcod ob, put them into so many !alnut$shells, !hich she set do!n upon the bottom o a eather$pot, and then, a ter she had gi"en them three !hisks o a broom besom ath!art the chimney, casting into the ire hal a ba"in o long heather, together !ith a branch o dry laurel, she obser"ed !ith a "ery hush and coy silence in !hat orm they did burn, and sa! that, although they !ere in a lame, they made no kind o noise or crackling din. (ereupon she ga"e a most hideous and horribly dread ul shout, muttering bet!i?t her teeth some e! barbarous !ords o a strange termination. This so terri ied Panurge that he orth!ith said to 1pistemon, The de"il mince me into a gallimau ry i 5 do not tremble or earL 5 do not think but that 5 am no! enchantedE or she uttereth not her "oice in the terms o any Christian language. ' look, 5 pray you, ho! she seemeth unto me to be by three ull spans higher than she !as !hen she began to hood hersel !ith her apron. ;hat meaneth this restless !agging o her slouchy chapsK ;hat can be the signi ication o the une"en shrugging o her hulchy shouldersK To !hat end doth she >ua"er !ith her lips, like a monkey in the dismembering o a lobsterK <y ears through horror glo!E ahL ho! they tingleL 5 think 5 hear the shrieking o ProserpinaE the de"ils are breaking loose to be all here. ' the oul, ugly, and de ormed beastsL %et us run a!ayL By the hook o God, 5 am like to die or earL 5 do not lo"e the de"ilsE they "e? me, and are unpleasant ello!s. 9o! let us ly, and betake us to our heels. Fare!ell, gammerE thanks and gramercy or your goodsL 5 !ill not marryE no, belie"e me, 5 !ill not. 5 airly >uit my interest therein, and totally abandon and renounce it rom this time or!ard, e"en as much as at present. ;ith this, as he endea"oured to make an escape out o the room, the old crone did anticipate his light and make him stop. The !ay ho! she pre"ented him !as this& !hilst in her hand she held the spindle, she lung out to a back$yard close by her lodge, !here, a ter she had peeled o the barks o an old sycamore three se"eral times, she "ery summarily, upon eight lea"es !hich dropped rom thence, !rote !ith the spindle$point some curt and brie ly$couched "erses, !hich she thre! into the air, then said unto them, +earch a ter them i you !illE ind them i you canE the atal destinies o your marriage are !ritten in them. 9o sooner had she done thus speaking than she did !ithdra! hersel unto her lurking$hole, !here on the upper seat o the porch she tucked up her go!n, her coats, and smock, as high as her armpits, and ga"e them a ull inspection o the nockandroeE !hich being percei"ed by Panurge, he said to 1pistemon, God's bodikins, 5 see the sibyl's holeL +he suddenly then bolted the gate behind her, and !as ne"er since seen any more. They jointly ran in haste a ter the allen and dispersed lea"es, and gathered them at last, though not !ithout great labour and toil, or the !ind had scattered them amongst the thorn$bushes o the "alley. ;hen they had ranged them each a ter other in their due places, they ound out their sentence, as it is metri ied in this octastich&

Thy ame upheld @Properly, as corrected by 'Hell& Thy ame !ill be shell'd By her, 5 tro!.D, 1"en so, so& *nd she !ith child ' thee& 9o. Thy good end +uck she shall, *nd lay thee, riend, But not all.

Chapter C.I=555. (o! Pantagruel and Panurge did di"ersely e?pound the "erses o the +ibyl o PanHoust. The lea"es being thus collected and orderly disposed, 1pistemon and Panurge returned to Pantagruel's court, partly !ell pleased and other part discontentedE glad or their being come back, and "e?ed or the trouble they had sustained by the !ay, !hich they ound to be craggy, rugged, stony, rough, and ill$adjusted. They made an ample and ull relation o their "oyage unto Pantagruel, as like!ise o the estate and condition o the sibyl. Then, ha"ing presented to him the lea"es o the sycamore, they sho! him the short and t!attle "erses that !ere !ritten in them. Pantagruel, ha"ing read and considered the !hole sum and substance o the matter, etched rom his heart a deep and hea"y sighE then said to Panurge, #ou are no!, orsooth, in a good taking, and ha"e brought your hogs to a ine market. The prophecy o the sibyl doth e?plain and lay out be ore us the same "ery predictions !hich ha"e been denoted, oretold, and presaged to us by the decree o the =irgilian lots and the "erdict o your o!n proper dreams, to !it, that you shall be "ery much disgraced, shamed, and discredited by your !i eE or that she !ill make you a cuckold in prostituting hersel to others, being big !ith child by another than you, $$!ill steal rom you a great deal o your goods, and !ill beat you, scratch and bruise you, e"en to plucking the skin in a part rom o you,$$!ill lea"e the print o her blo!s in some member o your body. #ou understand as much, ans!ered Panurge, in the "eritable interpretation and e?pounding o recent prophecies as a so! in the matter o spicery. Be not o ended, sir, 5 beseech you, that 5 speak thus boldlyE or 5 ind mysel a little in choler, and that not !ithout cause, seeing it is the contrary that is true. Take heed, and gi"e attenti"e ear unto my !ords. The old !i e said that, as the bean is not seen till irst it be unhusked, and that its s!ad or hull be shelled and peeled rom o it, so is it that my "irtue and transcendent !orth !ill ne"er come by the mouth o ame to be blaHed abroad proportionable to the height, e?tent, and measure o the e?cellency thereo , until preallably 5 get a !i e and make the ull hal o a married couple. (o! many times ha"e 5 heard you say that the unction o a magistrate, or o ice o dignity, disco"ereth the merits, parts, and endo!ments o the person so ad"anced and promoted, and !hat is in him. That is to say, !e are then best able to judge aright o the deser"ings o a man !hen he is called to the management o a airsE or !hen be ore he li"ed in a pri"ate condition, !e could ha"e no more certain kno!ledge o him than o a bean !ithin his husk. *nd thus stands the irst article e?plainedE other!ise, could you imagine that the good ame, repute, and

estimation o an honest man should depend upon the tail o a !horeK 9o! to the meaning o the second articleL <y !i e !ill be !ith child, $$here lies the prime elicity o marriage,$$but not o me. Copsody, that 5 do belie"e indeedL 5t !ill be o a pretty little in ant. ' ho! heartily 5 shall lo"e itL 5 do already dote upon itE or it !ill be my dainty eedle$ darling, my genteel dilly$minion. From thence orth no "e?ation, care, or grie shall take such deep impression in my heart, ho! hugely great or "ehement soe"er it other!ise appear, but that it shall e"anish orth!ith at the sight o that my uture babe, and at the hearing o the chat and prating o its childish gibberish. *nd blessed be the old !i e. By my truly, 5 ha"e a mind to settle some good re"enue or pension upon her out o the readiest increase o the lands o my +almigondinoisE not an inconstant and uncertain rent$seek, like that o !itless, giddy$headed bachelors, but sure and i?ed, o the nature o the !ell$paid incomes o regenting doctors. 5 this interpretation doth not please you, think you my !i e !ill bear me in her lanks, concei"e !ith me, and be o me deli"ered, as !omen use in childbed to bring orth their young onesE so as that it may be said, Panurge is a second Bacchus, he hath been t!ice bornE he is re$born, as !as (ippolytus,$$as !as Proteus, one time o Thetis, and secondly, o the mother o the philosopher *pollonius,$$as !ere the t!o Palici, near the lood +imaethos in +icily. (is !i e !as big o child !ith him. 5n him is rene!ed and begun again the palintocy o the <egarians and the palingenesy o )emocritus. Fie upon such errorsL To hear stu o that nature rends mine ears. The !ords o the third article are& +he !ill suck me at my best end. ;hy notK That pleaseth me right !ell. #ou kno! the thingE 5 need not tell you that it is my intercrural pudding !ith one end. 5 s!ear and promise that, in !hat 5 can, 5 !ill preser"e it sappy, ull o juice, and as !ell "ictualled or her use as may be. +he shall not suck me, 5 belie"e, in "ain, nor be destitute o her allo!anceE there shall her justum both in peck and lippy be urnished to the ull eternally. #ou e?pound this passage allegorically, and interpret it to the t and larceny. 5 lo"e the e?position, and the allegory pleaseth meE but not according to the sense !hereto you stretch it. 5t may be that the sincerity o the a ection !hich you bear me mo"eth you to harbour in your breast those re ractory thoughts concerning me, !ith a suspicion o my ad"ersity to come. ;e ha"e this saying rom the learned, That a mar"ellously ear ul thing is lo"e, and that true lo"e is ne"er !ithout ear. But, sir, according to my judgment, you do understand both o and by yoursel that here stealth signi ieth nothing else, no more than in a thousand other places o Greek and %atin, old and modern !ritings, but the s!eet ruits o amorous dalliance, !hich =enus liketh best !hen reaped in secret, and culled by er"ent lo"ers ilchingly. ;hy so, 5 prithee tellK Because, !hen the eat o the loose$coat skirmish happeneth to be done underhand and pri"ily, bet!een t!o !ell$disposed, ath!art the steps o a pair o stairs lurkingly, and in co"ert behind a suit o hangings, or close hid and trussed upon an unbound aggot, it is more pleasing to the Cyprian goddess, and to me also $$5 speak this !ithout prejudice to any better or more sound opinion$$than to per orm that culbusting art a ter the Cynic manner, in the "ie! o the clear sunshine, or in a rich tent, under a precious stately canopy, !ithin a glorious and sublime pa"ilion, or yet on a so t couch bet!i?t rich curtains o cloth o gold, !ithout a rightment, at long intermediate respites, enjoying o pleasures and delights a belly ull, at all great ease, !ith a huge ly$ lap an o crimson satin and a bunch o eathers o some 1ast$5ndian ostrich ser"ing to gi"e chase unto the lies all round

aboutE !hilst, in the interim, the emale picks her teeth !ith a sti stra! picked e"en then rom out o the bottom o the bed she lies on. 5 you be not content !ith this my e?position, are you o the mind that my !i e !ill suck and sup me up as people use to gulp and s!allo! oysters out o the shellK or as the Cilician !omen, according to the testimony o )ioscorides, !ere !ont to do the grain o alkermesK *ssuredly that is an error. ;ho seiHeth on it, doth neither gulch up nor s!ill do!n, but takes a!ay !hat hath been packed up, catcheth, snatcheth, and plies the play o hey$pass, repass. The ourth article doth imply that my !i e !ill lay me, but not all. ' the ine !ordL #ou interpret this to beating strokes and blo!s. +peak !isely. ;ill you eat a puddingK +ir, 5 beseech you to raise up your spirits abo"e the lo!$siHed pitch o earthly thoughts unto that height o sublime contemplation !hich reacheth to the apprehension o the mysteries and !onders o )ame 9ature. *nd here be pleased to condemn yoursel , by a renouncing o those errors !hich you ha"e committed "ery grossly and some!hat per"ersely in e?pounding the prophetic sayings o the holy sibyl. #et put the case @albeit 5 yield not to itD that, by the instigation o the de"il, my !i e should go about to !rong me, make me a cuckold do!n!ards to the "ery breech, disgrace me other!ise, steal my goods rom me, yea, and lay "iolently her hands upon meE$$she ne"ertheless should ail o her attempts and not attain to the proposed end o her unreasonable undertakings. The reason !hich induceth me hereto is grounded totally on this last point, !hich is e?tracted rom the pro oundest pri"acies o a monastic pantheology, as good Friar *rthur ;agtail told me once upon a <onday morning, as !e !ere @i 5 ha"e not orgotD eating a bushel o trotter$piesE and 5 remember !ell it rained hard. God gi"e him the good morro!L The !omen at the beginning o the !orld, or a little a ter, conspired to lay the men >uick, because they ound the spirit o mankind inclined to domineer it, and bear rule o"er them upon the ace o the !hole earthE and, in pursuit o this their resolution, promised, con irmed, s!ore, and co"enanted amongst them all, by the pure aith they o!e to the nocturnal +anct Rogero. But ' the "ain enterprises o !omenL ' the great ragility o that se? eminineL They did begin to lay the man, or peel him @as says CatullusD, at that member !hich o all the body they lo"ed best, to !it, the ner"ous and ca"ernous cane, and that abo"e i"e thousand years agoE yet ha"e they not o that small part alone layed any more till this hour but the head. 5n mere despite !hereo the 7e!s snip o that parcel o the skin in circumcision, choosing ar rather to be called clipyards, rascals, than to be layed by !omen, as are other nations. <y !i e, according to this emale co"enant, !ill lay it to me, i it be not so already. 5 heartily grant my consent thereto, but !ill not gi"e her lea"e to lay it all. 9ay, truly !ill 5 not, my noble king. #ea but, >uoth 1pistemon, you say nothing o her most dread ul cries and e?clamations !hen she and !e both sa! the laurel$bough burn !ithout yielding any noise or crackling. #ou kno! it is a "ery dismal omen, an inauspicious sign, unlucky indice, and token ormidable, bad, disastrous, and most unhappy, as is certi ied by Propertius, Tibullus, the >uick philosopher Porphyrius, 1ustathius on the 5liads o (omer, and by many others. =erily, "erily, >uoth Panurge, bra"e are the allegations !hich you bring me, and testimonies o t!o$ ooted cal"es. These men !ere ools, as they !ere poetsE and dotards, as they !ere philosophersE ull o olly, as they !ere o philosophy.

Chapter C.I5I. (o! Pantagruel praiseth the counsel o dumb men. Pantagruel, !hen this discourse !as ended, held or a pretty !hile his peace, seeming to be e?ceeding sad and pensi"e, then said to Panurge, The malignant spirit misleads, beguileth, and seduceth you. 5 ha"e read that in times past the surest and most "eritable oracles !ere not those !hich either !ere deli"ered in !riting or uttered by !ord o mouth in speaking. For many times, in their interpretation, right !itty, learned, and ingenious men ha"e been decei"ed through amphibologies, e>ui"o>ues, and obscurity o !ords, no less than by the bre"ity o their sentences. For !hich cause *pollo, the god o "aticination, !as surnamed %o?ias. Those !hich !ere represented then by signs and out!ard gestures !ere accounted the truest and the most in allible. +uch !as the opinion o (eraclitus. *nd 7upiter did himsel in this manner gi"e orth in *mmon re>uently predictions. 9or !as he single in this practiceE or *pollo did the like amongst the *ssyrians. (is prophesying thus unto those people mo"ed them to paint him !ith a large long beard, and clothes beseeming an old settled person o a most posed, staid, and gra"e beha"iourE not naked, young, and beardless, as he !as portrayed most usually amongst the Grecians. %et us make trial o this kind o atidicencyE and go you take ad"ice o some dumb person !ithout any speaking. 5 am content, >uoth Panurge. But, says Pantagruel, it !ere re>uisite that the dumb you consult !ith be such as ha"e been dea rom the hour o their nati"ity, and conse>uently dumbE or none can be so li"ely, natural, and kindly dumb as he !ho ne"er heard. (o! is it, >uoth Panurge, that you concei"e this matterK 5 you apprehend it so, that ne"er any spoke !ho had not be ore heard the speech o others, 5 !ill rom that antecedent bring you to in er "ery logically a most absurd and parado?ical conclusion. But let it passE 5 !ill not insist on it. #ou do not then belie"e !hat (erodotus !rote o t!o children, !ho, at the special command and appointment o Psammeticus, :ing o 1gypt, ha"ing been kept in a petty country cottage, !here they !ere nourished and entertained in a perpetual silence, did at last, a ter a certain long space o time, pronounce this !ord Bec, !hich in the Phrygian language signi ieth bread. 9othing less, >uoth Pantagruel, do 5 belie"e than that it is a mere abusing o our understandings to gi"e credit to the !ords o those !ho say that there is any such thing as a natural language. *ll speeches ha"e had their primary origin rom the arbitrary institutions, accords, and agreements o nations in their respecti"e condescendments to !hat should be noted and betokened by them. *n articulate "oice, according to the dialecticians, hath naturally no signi ication at allE or that the sense and meaning thereo did totally depend upon the good !ill and pleasure o the irst de"iser and imposer o it. 5 do not tell you this !ithout a causeE or Bartholus, %ib. B. de =erb. 'blig., "ery seriously reporteth that e"en in his time there !as in 1ugubia one named +ir 9ello de Gabrielis, !ho, although he by a sad mischance became altogether dea , understood ne"ertheless e"eryone that talked in the 5talian dialect ho!soe"er he e?pressed himsel E and that only by looking on his e?ternal gestures, and casting an attenti"e eye upon the di"ers motions o his lips and chaps. 5 ha"e read, 5 remember also, in a "ery literate and elo>uent author, that Tyridates, :ing o *rmenia, in the days o 9ero, made a "oyage to Rome, !here he !as recei"ed !ith great honour and solemnity, and !ith all manner o pomp and magni icence. #ea, to the end there might be a sempiternal amity and correspondence preser"ed bet!i?t him and the Roman senate, there

!as no remarkable thing in the !hole city !hich !as not sho!n unto him. *t his departure the emperor besto!ed upon him many ample donati"es o an inestimable "alueE and besides, the more entirely to testi y his a ection to!ards him, heartily entreated him to be pleased to make choice o any !hatsoe"er thing in Rome !as most agreeable to his ancy, !ith a promise juramentally con irmed that he should not be re used o his demand. Thereupon, a ter a suitable return o thanks or a so gracious o er, he re>uired a certain 7ack$pudding !hom he had seen to act his part most egregiously upon the stage, and !hose meaning, albeit he kne! not !hat it !as he had spoken, he understood per ectly enough by the signs and gesticulations !hich he had made. *nd or this suit o his, in that he asked nothing else, he ga"e this reason, that in the se"eral !ide and spacious dominions !hich !ere reduced under the s!ay and authority o his so"ereign go"ernment, there !ere sundry countries and nations much di ering rom one another in language, !ith !hom, !hether he !as to speak unto them or gi"e any ans!er to their re>uests, he !as al!ays necessitated to make use o di"ers sorts o truchman and interpreters. 9o! !ith this man alone, su icient or supplying all their places, !ill that great incon"eniency herea ter be totally remo"edE seeing he is such a ine gesticulator, and in the practice o chirology an artist so complete, e?pert, and de?terous, that !ith his "ery ingers he doth speak. (o!soe"er, you are to pitch upon such a dumb one as is dea by nature and rom his birthE to the end that his gestures and signs may be the more "i"ely and truly prophetic, and not counter eit by the intermi?ture o some adulterate lustre and a ectation. #et !hether this dumb person shall be o the male or emale se? is in your option, lieth at your discretion, and altogether dependeth on your o!n election. 5 !ould more !illingly, >uoth Panurge, consult !ith and be ad"ised by a dumb !oman, !ere it not that 5 am a raid o t!o things. The irst is, that the greater part o !omen, !hate"er be that they see, do al!ays represent unto their ancies, think, and imagine, that it hath some relation to the sugared entering o the goodly ithyphallos, and gra ing in the cle t o the o"erturned tree the >uickset imp o the pin o copulation. ;hate"er signs, sho!s, or gestures !e shall make, or !hate"er our beha"iour, carriage, or demeanour shall happen to be in their "ie! and presence, they !ill interpret the !hole in re erence to the act o androgynation and the culbutiHing e?ercise, by !hich means !e shall be abusi"ely disappointed o our designs, in regard that she !ill take all our signs or nothing else but tokens and representations o our desire to entice her unto the lists o a Cyprian combat or catsenconny skirmish. )o you remember !hat happened at Rome t!o hundred and threescore years a ter the oundation thereo K * young Roman gentleman encountering by chance, at the oot o <ount Celion, !ith a beauti ul %atin lady named =erona, !ho rom her "ery cradle up!ards had al!ays been both dea and dumb, "ery ci"illy asked her, not !ithout a chironomatic 5talianiHing o his demand, !ith "arious jectigation o his ingers and other gesticulations as yet customary amongst the speakers o that country, !hat senators in her descent rom the top o the hill she had met !ith going up thither. For you are to concei"e that he, kno!ing no more o her dea ness than dumbness, !as ignorant o both. +he in the meantime, !ho neither heard nor understood so much as one !ord o !hat he had said, straight imagined, by all that she could apprehend in the lo"ely gesture o his manual signs, that !hat he then re>uired o her !as !hat hersel had a great mind to, e"en that !hich a young man doth naturally desire o a !oman. Then !as it that by signs, !hich in all occurrences o "enereal lo"e are incomparably more attracti"e, "alid, and e icacious than !ords, she beckoned to him to come along !ith her to her houseE !hich !hen

he had done, she dre! him aside to a pri"y room, and then made a most li"ely alluring sign unto him to sho! that the game did please her. ;hereupon, !ithout any more ad"ertisement, or so much as the uttering o one !ord on either side, they ell to and bringuardiHed it lustily. The other cause o my being a"erse rom consulting !ith dumb !omen is, that to our signs they !ould make no ans!er at all, but suddenly all back!ards in a di"arication posture, to intimate thereby unto us the reality o their consent to the supposed motion o our tacit demands. 'r i they should chance to make any countersigns responsory to our propositions, they !ould pro"e so oolish, impertinent, and ridiculous, that by them oursel"es should easily judge their thoughts to ha"e no e?cursion beyond the du ling academy. #ou kno! "ery !ell ho! at Brignoles, !hen the religious nun, +ister Fatbum, !as made big !ith child by the young +ti ly$stand$to't, her pregnancy came to be kno!n, and she cited by the abbess, and, in a ull con"ention o the con"ent, accused o incest. (er e?cuse !as that she did not consent thereto, but that it !as done by the "iolence and impetuous orce o the Friar +ti ly$stand$to't. (ereto the abbess "ery austerely replying, Thou naughty !icked girl, !hy didst thou not cry, * rape, a rapeL then should all o us ha"e run to thy succour. (er ans!er !as that the rape !as committed in the dortour, !here she durst not cry because it !as a place o sempiternal silence. But, >uoth the abbess, thou roguish !ench, !hy didst not thou then make some sign to those that !ere in the ne?t chamber beside theeK To this she ans!ered that !ith her buttocks she made a sign unto them as "igorously as she could, yet ne"er one o them did so much as o er to come to her help and assistance. But, >uoth the abbess, thou scur"y baggage, !hy didst thou not tell it me immediately a ter the perpetration o the act, that so !e might orderly, regularly, and canonically ha"e accused himK 5 !ould ha"e done so, had the case been mine, or the clearer mani estation o mine innocency. 5 truly, madam, !ould ha"e done the like !ith all my heart and soul, >uoth +ister Fatbum, but that earing 5 should remain in sin, and in the haHard o eternal damnation, i pre"ented by a sudden death, 5 did con ess mysel to the ather riar be ore he !ent out o the room, !ho, or my penance, enjoined me not to tell it, or re"eal the matter unto any. 5t !ere a most enormous and horrid o ence, detestable be ore God and the angels, to re"eal a con ession. +uch an abominable !ickedness !ould ha"e possibly brought do!n ire rom hea"en, !here!ith to ha"e burnt the !hole nunnery, and sent us all headlong to the bottomless pit, to bear company !ith :orah, )athan, and *biram. #ou !ill not, >uoth Pantagruel, !ith all your jesting, make me laugh. 5 kno! that all the monks, riars, and nuns had rather "iolate and in ringe the highest o the commandments o God than break the least o their pro"incial statutes. Take you there ore Goatsnose, a man "ery it or your present purposeE or he is, and hath been, both dumb and dea rom the "ery remotest in ancy o his childhood.

Chapter C.II. (o! Goatsnose by signs maketh ans!er to Panurge. Goatsnose being sent or, came the day therea ter to Pantagruel's courtE at his arri"al to !hich Panurge ga"e him a at cal , the hal o a hog, t!o puncheons o !ine, one load o corn, and thirty rancs o small moneyE

then, ha"ing brought him be ore Pantagruel, in presence o the gentlemen o the bed$chamber he made this sign unto him. (e ya!ned a long time, and in ya!ning made !ithout his mouth !ith the thumb o his right hand the igure o the Greek letter Tau by re>uent reiterations. * ter!ards he li ted up his eyes to hea"en!ards, then turned them in his head like a she$goat in the pain ul it o an absolute birth, in doing !hereo he did cough and sigh e?ceeding hea"ily. This done, a ter that he had made demonstration o the !ant o his codpiece, he rom under his shirt took his placket$racket in a ull grip, making it there!ithal clack "ery melodiously bet!i?t his thighsE then, no sooner had he !ith his body stooped a little or!ards, and bo!ed his le t knee, but that immediately thereupon holding both his arms on his breast, in a loose aint$like posture, the one o"er the other, he paused a!hile. Goatsnose looked !istly upon him, and ha"ing heed ully enough "ie!ed him all o"er, he li ted up into the air his le t hand, the !hole ingers !hereo he retained ist!ise close together, e?cept the thumb and the ore inger, !hose nails he so tly joined and coupled to one another. 5 understand, >uoth Pantagruel, !hat he meaneth by that sign. 5t denotes marriage, and !ithal the number thirty, according to the pro ession o the Pythagoreans. #ou !ill be married. Thanks to you, >uoth Panurge, in turning himsel to!ards Goatsnose, my little se!er, pretty master's mate, dainty bailie, curious sergeant$marshal, and jolly catchpole$leader. Then did he li t higher up than be ore his said le t hand, stretching out all the i"e ingers thereo , and se"ering them as !ide rom one another as he possibly could get done. (ere, says Pantagruel, doth he more amply and ully insinuate unto us, by the token !hich he sho!eth orth o the >uinary number, that you shall be married. #ea, that you shall not only be a ianced, betrothed, !edded, and married, but that you shall urthermore cohabit and li"e jollily and merrily !ith your !i eE or Pythagoras called i"e the nuptial number, !hich, together !ith marriage, signi ieth the consummation o matrimony, because it is composed o a ternary, the irst o the odd, and binary, the irst o the e"en numbers, as o a male and emale knit and united together. 5n "ery deed it !as the ashion o old in the city o Rome at marriage esti"als to light i"e !a? tapersE nor !as it permitted to kindle any more at the magni ic nuptials o the most potent and !ealthy, nor yet any e!er at the penurious !eddings o the poorest and most abject o the !orld. <oreo"er, in times past, the heathen or paynims implored the assistance o i"e deities, or o one help ul, at least, in i"e se"eral good o ices to those that !ere to be married. ' this sort !ere the nuptial 7o"e, 7uno, president o the east, the air =enus, Pitho, the goddess o elo>uence and persuasion, and )iana, !hose aid and succour !as re>uired to the labour o child$bearing. Then shouted Panurge, ' the gentle Goatsnose, 5 !ill gi"e him a arm near Cinais, and a !indmill hard by <irebalaisL (ereupon the dumb ello! sneeHeth !ith an impetuous "ehemency and huge concussion o the spirits o the !hole body, !ithdra!ing himsel in so doing !ith a jerking turn to!ards the le t hand. By the body o a o? ne! slain, >uoth Pantagruel, !hat is thatK This maketh nothing or your ad"antageE or he betokeneth thereby that your marriage !ill be inauspicious and un ortunate. This sneeHing, according to the doctrine o Terpsion, is the +ocratic demon. 5 done to!ards the right side, it imports and portendeth that boldly and !ith all assurance one may go !hither he !ill and do !hat he listeth, according to !hat deliberation he shall be pleased to ha"e thereupon takenE his entries in the beginning, progress in his proceedings, and success in the e"ents and issues !ill be all lucky, good, and happy. The >uite contrary thereto is thereby implied and presaged i it be done to!ards the le t. #ou, >uoth Panurge, do take al!ays the matter at the !orst, and continually, like another )a"us, casteth in ne! disturbances and obstructionsE nor e"er yet did 5 kno! this

old paltry Terpsion !orthy o citation but in points only o cosenage and imposture. 9e"ertheless, >uoth Pantagruel, Cicero hath !ritten 5 kno! not !hat to the same purpose in his +econd Book o )i"ination. Panurge then, turning himsel to!ards Goatsnose, made this sign unto him. (e in"erted his eyelids up!ards, !renched his ja!s rom the right to the le t side, and dre! orth his tongue hal out o his mouth. This done, he posited his le t hand !holly open, the mid$ inger !holly e?cepted, !hich !as perpendicularly placed upon the palm thereo , and set it just in the room !here his codpiece had been. Then did he keep his right hand altogether shut up in a ist, sa"e only the thumb, !hich he straight turned back!ards directly under the right armpit, and settled it a ter!ards on that most eminent part o the buttocks !hich the *rabs call the *l$:atim. +uddenly therea ter he made this interchange& he held his right hand a ter the manner o the le t, and posited it on the place !herein his codpiece sometime !as, and retaining his le t hand in the orm and ashion o the right, he placed it upon his *l$:atim. This altering o hands did he reiterate nine se"eral timesE at the last !hereo he reseated his eyelids into their o!n irst natural position. Then doing the like also !ith his ja!s and tongue, he did cast a s>uinting look upon Goatsnose, diddering and shi"ering his chaps, as apes use to do no!adays, and rabbits, !hilst, almost star"ed !ith hunger, they are eating oats in the shea . Then !as it that Goatsnose, li ting up into the air his right hand !holly open and displayed, put the thumb thereo , e"en close unto its irst articulation, bet!een the t!o third joints o the middle and ring ingers, pressing about the said thumb thereo "ery hard !ith them both, and, !hilst the remanent joints !ere contracted and shrunk in to!ards the !rist, he stretched orth !ith as much straightness as he could the ore and little ingers. That hand thus ramed and disposed o he laid and posited upon Panurge's na"el, mo"ing !ithal continually the a oresaid thumb, and bearing up, supporting, or under$propping that hand upon the abo"e$speci ied ore and little ingers, as upon t!o legs. Therea ter did he make in this posture his hand by little and little, and by degrees and pauses, successi"ely to mount rom ath!art the belly to the stomach, rom !hence he made it to ascend to the breast, e"en up!ards to Panurge's neck, still gaining ground, till, ha"ing reached his chin, he had put !ithin the conca"e o his mouth his a ore$mentioned thumbE then iercely brandishing the !hole hand, !hich he made to rub and grate against his nose, he hea"ed it urther up, and made the ashion as i !ith the thumb thereo he !ould ha"e put out his eyes. ;ith this Panurge gre! a little angry, and !ent about to !ithdra! and rid himsel rom this ruggedly unto!ard dumb de"il. But Goatsnose in the meantime, prosecuting the intended purpose o his prognosticatory response, touched "ery rudely, !ith the abo"e$mentioned shaking thumb, no! his eyes, then his orehead, and a ter that the borders and corners o his cap. *t last Panurge cried out, saying, Be ore God, master ool, i you do not let me alone, or that you !ill presume to "e? me any more, you shall recei"e rom the best hand 5 ha"e a mask !here!ith to co"er your rascally scroundrel ace, you paltry shitten "arlet. Then said Friar 7ohn, (e is dea , and doth not understand !hat thou sayest unto him. Bulliballock, make sign to him o a hail o isticu s upon the muHHle. ;hat the de"il, >uoth Panurge, means this busy restless ello!K ;hat is it that this polypragmonetic ardelion to all the iends o hell doth aim atK (e hath almost thrust out mine eyes, as i he had been to poach them in a skillet !ith butter and eggs. By God, da jurandi, 5 !ill east you !ith lirts and raps on the snout, interlarded !ith a double ro! o bobs and

inger$ illipingsL Then did he lea"e him in gi"ing him by !ay o sal"o a "olley o arts or his are!ell. Goatsnose, percei"ing Panurge thus to slip a!ay rom him, got be ore him, and, by mere strength en orcing him to stand, made this sign unto him. (e let all his right arm to!ard his knee on the same side as lo! as he could, and, raising all the ingers o that hand into a close ist, passed his de?ter thumb bet!i?t the oremost and mid ingers thereto belonging. Then scrubbing and s!ingeing a little !ith his le t hand alongst and upon the uppermost in the "ery bough o the elbo! o the said de?ter arm, the !hole cubit thereo , by leisure, air and so tly, at these thumpatory !arnings, did raise and ele"ate itsel e"en to the elbo!, and abo"e itE on a sudden did he then let it all do!n as lo! as be ore, and a ter that, at certain inter"als and such spaces o time, raising and abasing it, he made a sho! thereo to Panurge. This so incensed Panurge that he orth!ith li ted his hand to ha"e stricken him the dumb roister and gi"en him a sound !hirret on the ear, but that the respect and re"erence !hich he carried to the presence o Pantagruel restrained his choler and kept his ury !ithin bounds and limits. Then said Pantagruel, 5 the bare signs no! "e? and trouble you, ho! much more grie"ously !ill you be perple?ed and dis>uieted !ith the real things !hich by them are represented and signi iedL *ll truths agree and are consonant !ith one another. This dumb ello! prophesieth and oretelleth that you !ill be married, cuckolded, beaten, and robbed. *s or the marriage, >uoth Panurge, 5 yield thereto, and ackno!ledge the "erity o that point o his predictionE as or the rest, 5 utterly abjure and deny it& and belie"e, sir, 5 beseech you, i it may please you so to do, that in the matter o !i"es and horses ne"er any man !as predestinated to a better ortune than 5.

Chapter C.II5. (o! Panurge consulteth !ith an old French poet, named Raminagrobis. 5 ne"er thought, said Pantagruel, to ha"e encountered !ith any man so headstrong in his apprehensions, or in his opinions so !il ul, as 5 ha"e ound you to be and see you are. 9e"ertheless, the better to clear and e?tricate your doubts, let us try all courses, and lea"e no stone unturned nor !ind unsailed by. Take good heed to !hat 5 am to say unto you. The s!ans, !hich are o!ls consecrated to *pollo, ne"er chant but in the hour o their approaching death, especially in the <eander lood, !hich is a ri"er that runneth along some o the territories o Phrygia. This 5 say, because *elianus and *le?ander <yndius !rite that they had seen se"eral s!ans in other places die, but ne"er heard any o them sing or chant be ore their death. (o!e"er, it passeth or current that the imminent death o a s!an is presaged by his oregoing song, and that no s!an dieth until preallably he ha"e sung. * ter the same manner, poets, !ho are under the protection o *pollo, !hen they are dra!ing near their latter end do ordinarily become prophets, and by the inspiration o that god sing s!eetly in "aticinating things !hich are to come. 5t hath been like!ise told me re>uently, that old decrepit men upon the brinks o Charon's banks do usher their decease !ith a disclosure all at ease, to those that are desirous o such in ormations, o the determinate and assured truth o uture accidents and contingencies. 5 remember also that *ristophanes, in a certain comedy o his, calleth the old olks +ibyls, 1ith o geron Oibullia. For as !hen, being upon a pier by

the shore, !e see a ar o mariners, sea aring men, and other tra"ellers alongst the curled !a"es o aHure Thetis !ithin their ships, !e then consider them in silence only, and seldom proceed any urther than to !ish them a happy and prosperous arri"alE but !hen they do approach near to the ha"en, and come to !et their keels !ithin their harbour, then both !ith !ords and gestures !e salute them, and heartily congratulate their access sa e to the port !herein !e are oursel"es. 7ust so the angels, heroes, and good demons, according to the doctrine o the Platonics, !hen they see mortals dra!ing near unto the harbour o the gra"e, as the most sure and calmest port o any, ull o repose, ease, rest, tran>uillity, ree rom the troubles and solicitudes o this tumultuous and tempestuous !orldE then is it that they !ith alacrity hail and salute them, cherish and com ort them, and, speaking to them lo"ingly, begin e"en then to bless them !ith illuminations, and to communicate unto them the abstrusest mysteries o di"ination. 5 !ill not o er here to con ound your memory by >uoting anti>ue e?amples o 5saac, o 7acob, o Patroclus to!ards (ector, o (ector to!ards *chilles, o Polymnestor to!ards *gamemnon, o (ecuba, o the Rhodian reno!ned by Posidonius, o Calanus the 5ndian to!ards *le?ander the Great, o 'rodes to!ards <eHentius, and o many others. 5t shall su ice or the present that 5 commemorate unto you the learned and "aliant knight and ca"alier ;illiam o Bellay, late %ord o %angey, !ho died on the (ill o Tarara, the 3.th o 7anuary, in the climacteric year o his age, and o our supputation 3B/C, according to the Roman account. The last three or our hours o his li e he did employ in the serious utterance o a "ery pithy discourse, !hilst !ith a clear judgment and spirit "oid o all trouble he did oretell se"eral important things, !hereo a great deal is come to pass, and the rest !e !ait or. (o!beit, his prophecies did at that time seem unto us some!hat strange, absurd, and unlikely, because there did not then appear any sign o e icacy enough to engage our aith to the belie o !hat he did prognosticate. ;e ha"e here, near to the to!n o =illomere, a man that is both old and a poet, to !it, Raminagrobis, !ho to his second !i e espoused my %ady Broadso!, on !hom he begot the air Basoche. 5t hath been told me he is a$dying, and so near unto his latter end that he is almost upon the "ery last moment, point, and article thereo . Repair thither as ast as you can, and be ready to gi"e an attenti"e ear to !hat he shall chant unto you. 5t may be that you shall obtain rom him !hat you desire, and that *pollo !ill be pleased by his means to clear your scruples. 5 am content, >uoth Panurge. %et us go thither, 1pistemon, and that both instantly and in all haste, lest other!ise his death pre"ent our coming. ;ilt thou come along !ith us, Friar 7ohnK #es, that 5 !ill, >uoth Friar 7ohn, right heartily to do thee a courtesy, my billy$ballocksE or 5 lo"e thee !ith the best o my milt and li"er. Thereupon, incontinently, !ithout any urther lingering, to the !ay they all three !ent, and >uickly therea ter$$ or they made good speed$$arri"ing at the poetical habitation, they ound the jolly old man, albeit in the agony o his departure rom this !orld, looking cheer ully, !ith an open countenance, splendid aspect, and beha"iour ull o alacrity. * ter that Panurge had "ery ci"illy saluted him, he in a ree gi t did present him !ith a gold ring, !hich he e"en then put upon the medical inger o his le t hand, in the collet or beHel !hereo !as enchased an 'riental sapphire, "ery air and large. Then, in imitation o +ocrates, did he make an oblation unto him o a air !hite cock, !hich !as no sooner set upon the tester o his bed, than that, !ith a high raised head and crest, lustily shaking his eather$coat, he cro!ed stentoriphonically loud. This done, Panurge "ery courteously re>uired o him that he !ould "ouchsa e to a"our him !ith the grant and report o his sense and judgment touching the uture

destiny o his intended marriage. For ans!er hereto, !hen the honest old man had orth!ith commanded pen, paper, and ink to be brought unto him, and that he !as at the same call con"eniently ser"ed !ith all the three, he !rote these ollo!ing "erses& Take, or not take her, ' , or on& (andy$dandy is your lot. ;hen her name you !rite, you blot. 'Tis undone, !hen all is done, 1nded e'er it !as begun& (ardly gallop, i you trot, +et not or!ard !hen you run, 9or be single, though alone, Take, or not take her. Be ore you eat, begin to astE For !hat shall be !as ne"er past. +ay, unsay, gainsay, sa"e your breath& Then !ish at once her li e and death. Take, or not take her. These lines he ga"e out o his o!n hands unto them, saying unto them, Go, my lads, in peaceL the great God o the highest hea"ens be your guardian and preser"erL and do not o er any more to trouble or dis>uiet me !ith this or any other business !hatsoe"er. 5 ha"e this same "ery day, !hich is the last both o <ay and o me, !ith a greal deal o labour, toil, and di iculty, chased out o my house a rabble o ilthy, unclean, and plaguily pestilentious rake$hells, black beasts, dusk, dun, !hite, ash$coloured, speckled, and a oul "ermin o other hues, !hose obtrusi"e importunity !ould not permit me to die at my o!n easeE or by raudulent and deceit ul pricklings, ra"enous, harpy$like graspings, !aspish stingings, and such$like un!elcome approaches, orged in the shop o 5 kno! not !hat kind o insatiabilities, they !ent about to !ithdra! and call me out o those s!eet thoughts !herein 5 !as already beginning to repose mysel and ac>uiesce in the contemplation and "ision, yea, almost in the "ery touch and taste o the happiness and elicity !hich the good God hath prepared or his aith ul saints and elect in the other li e and state o immortality. Turn out o their courses and esche! them, step orth o their !ays and do not resemble themE mean!hile, let me be no more troubled by you, but lea"e me no! in silence, 5 beseech you.

Chapter C.II55. (o! Panurge patrocinates and de endeth the 'rder o the Begging Friars. Panurge, at his issuing orth o Raminagrobis's chamber, said, as i he had been horribly a righted, By the "irtue o God, 5 belie"e that he is an hereticE the de"il take me, i 5 do notL he doth so "illainously rail at the <endicant Friars and 7acobins, !ho are the t!o hemispheres o the Christian !orldE by !hose gyronomonic circumbil"aginations, as by t!o celi"agous ilopendulums, all the autonomatic metagrobolism o the Romish Church, !hen tottering and emblustricated !ith the gibble$gabble gibberish o this odious error and heresy, is homocentrically poised. But !hat harm, in the de"il's name, ha"e these poor de"ils the Capuchins and <inims done

unto himK *re not these beggarly de"ils su iciently !retched alreadyK ;ho can imagine that these poor snakes, the "ery e?tracts o ichthyophagy, are not thoroughly enough besmoked and besmeared !ith misery, distress, and calamityK )ost thou think, Friar 7ohn, by thy aith, that he is in the state o sal"ationK (e goeth, be ore God, as surely damned to thirty thousand baskets ul o de"ils as a pruning$bill to the lopping o a "ine$branch. To re"ile !ith opprobrious speeches the good and courageous props and pillars o the Church,$$is that to be called a poetical uryK 5 cannot rest satis ied !ith himE he sinneth grossly, and blasphemeth against the true religion. 5 am "ery much o ended at his scandaliHing !ords and contumelious oblo>uy. 5 do not care a stra!, >uoth Friar 7ohn, or !hat he hath saidE or although e"erybody should t!it and jerk them, it !ere but a just retaliation, seeing all persons are ser"ed by them !ith the like sauce& there ore do 5 pretend no interest therein. %et us see, ne"ertheless, !hat he hath !ritten. Panurge "ery attenti"ely read the paper !hich the old man had pennedE then said to his t!o ello!$tra"ellers, The poor drinker doteth. (o!soe"er, 5 e?cuse him, or that 5 belie"e he is no! dra!ing near to the end and inal closure o his li e. %et us go make his epitaph. By the ans!er !hich he hath gi"en us, 5 am not, 5 protest, one jot !iser than 5 !as. (earken here, 1pistemon, my little bully, dost not thou hold him to be "ery resolute in his responsory "erdictsK (e is a !itty, >uick, and subtle sophister. 5 !ill lay an e"en !ager that he is a miscreant apostate. By the belly o a stalled o?, ho! care ul he is not to be mistaken in his !ords. (e ans!ered but by disjuncti"es, there ore can it not be true !hich he saithE or the "erity o such$like propositions is inherent only in one o its t!o members. ' the coHening prattler that he isL 5 !onder i +antiago o Bressure be one o these cogging shirks. +uch !as o old, >uoth 1pistemon, the custom o the grand "aticinator and prophet Tiresias, !ho used al!ays, by !ay o a pre ace, to say openly and plainly at the beginning o his di"inations and predictions that !hat he !as to tell !ould either come to pass or not. *nd such is truly the style o all prudently presaging prognosticators. (e !as ne"ertheless, >uoth Panurge, so un ortunately misad"enturous in the lot o his o!n destiny, that 7uno thrust out both his eyes. #es, ans!ered 1pistemon, and that merely out o a spite and spleen or ha"ing pronounced his a!ard more "eritable than she, upon the >uestion !hich !as merrily proposed by 7upiter. But, >uoth Panurge, !hat archde"il is it that hath possessed this <aster Raminagrobis, that so unreasonably, and !ithout any occasion, he should ha"e so snappishly and bitterly in"eighed against these poor honest athers, 7acobins, <inors, and <inimsK 5t "e?eth me grie"ously, 5 assure youE nor am 5 able to conceal my indignation. (e hath transgressed most enormouslyE his soul goeth in allibly to thirty thousand panniers ul o de"ils. 5 understand you not, >uoth 1pistemon, and it disliketh me "ery much that you should so absurdly and per"ersely interpret that o the Friar <endicants !hich by the harmless poet !as spoken o black beasts, dun, and other sorts o other coloured animals. (e is not in my opinion guilty o such a sophistical and antastic allegory as by that phrase o his to ha"e meant the Begging Brothers. (e in do!nright terms speaketh absolutely and properly o leas, punies, hand !orms, lies, gnats, and other such$like scur"y "ermin, !hereo some are black, some dun, some ash$coloured, some ta!ny, and some bro!n and dusky, all noisome, molesting, tyrannous, cumbersome, and unpleasant creatures, not only to sick and diseased olks, but to those also !ho are o a sound, "igorous, and health ul temperament and constitution. 5t is not unlikely that he may ha"e the ascarids, and the lumbrics, and !orms !ithin the entrails o his body. Possibly doth he

su er, as it is re>uent and usual amongst the 1gyptians, together !ith all those !ho inhabit the 1rythraean con ines, and d!ell along the shores and coasts o the Red +ea, some sour prickings and smart stingings in his arms and legs o those little speckled dragons !hich the *rabians call meden. #ou are to blame or o ering to e?pound his !ords other!ise, and !rong the ingenuous poet, and outrageously abuse and miscall the said raters, by an imputation o baseness undeser"edly laid to their charge. ;e still should, in such like discourses o atilo>uent soothsayers, interpret all things to the best. ;ill you teach me, >uoth Panurge, ho! to discern lies among milk, or sho! your ather the !ay ho! to beget childrenK (e is, by the "irtue o God, an arrant heretic, a resolute, ormal hereticE 5 say, a rooted, combustible heretic, one as it to burn as the little !ooden clock at Rochelle. (is soul goeth to thirty thousand carts ul o de"ils. ;ould you kno! !hitherK Cocks$body, my riend, straight under Proserpina's close$stool, to the "ery middle o the sel $same in ernal pan !ithin !hich she, by an e?crementitious e"acuation, "oideth the aecal stu o her stinking clysters, and that just upon the le t side o the great cauldron o three athom height, hard by the cla!s and talons o %uci er, in the "ery darkest o the passage !hich leadeth to!ards the black chamber o )emogorgon. ' the "illainL

Chapter C.II555. (o! Panurge maketh the motion o a return to Raminagrobis. %et us return, >uoth Panurge, not ceasing, to the uttermost o our abilities, to ply him !ith !holesome admonitions or the urtherance o his sal"ation. %et us go back, or God's sakeE let us go, in the name o God. 5t !ill be a "ery meritorious !ork, and o great charity in us to deal so in the matter, and pro"ide so !ell or him that, albeit he come to lose both body and li e, he may at least escape the risk and danger o the eternal damnation o his soul. ;e !ill by our holy persuasions bring him to a sense and eeling o his escapes, induce him to ackno!ledge his aults, mo"e him to a cordial repentance o his errors, and stir up in him such a sincere contrition o heart or his o ences, as !ill prompt him !ith all earnestness to cry mercy, and to beg pardon at the hands o the good athers, as !ell o the absent as o such as are present. ;hereupon !e !ill take instrument ormally and authentically e?tended, to the end he be not, a ter his decease, declared an heretic, and condemned, as !ere the hobgoblins o the pro"ost's !i e o 'rleans, to the undergoing o such punishments, pains, and tortures as are due to and in licted on those that inhabit the horrid cells o the in ernal regionsE and !ithal incline, instigate, and persuade him to be>ueath and lea"e in legacy @by !ay o an amends and satis action or the outrage and injury done to those good religious athers throughout all the con"ents, cloisters, and monasteries o this pro"inceD, many bribes, a great deal o mass$singing, store o obits, and that sempiternally, on the anni"ersary day o his decease, e"ery one o them all be urnished !ith a >uintuple allo!ance, and that the great borachio replenished !ith the best li>uor trudge apace along the tables, as !ell o the young duckling monkitoes, lay brothers, and lo!ermost degree o the abbey lubbards, as o the learned priests and re"erend clerks,$$the "ery meanest o the no"ices and mitiants unto the order being e>ually admitted to the bene it o those unerary and obse>uial esti"als !ith the aged rectors and pro essed athers. This is the surest ordinary means !hereby rom God he may obtain orgi"eness. (o, ho, 5 am >uite mistakenE 5

digress rom the purpose, and ly out o my discourse, as i my spirits !ere a$!ool$gathering. The de"il take me, i 5 go thitherL =irtue GodL The chamber is already ull o de"ils. ' !hat a s!inging, th!acking noise is no! amongst themL ' the terrible coil that they keepL (earken, do you not hear the rustling, thumping bustle o their strokes and blo!s, as they scu le !ith one another, like true de"ils indeed, !ho shall gulp up the Raminagrobis soul, and be the irst bringer o it, !hilst it is hot, to <onsieur %uci erK Be!are, and get you henceL or my part, 5 !ill not go thither. The de"il roast me i 5 goL ;ho kno!s but that these hungry mad de"ils may in the haste o their rage and ury o their impatience take a >ui or a >uo, and instead o Raminagrobis snatch up poor Panurge rank and reeK Though ormerly, !hen 5 !as deep in debt, they al!ays ailed. Get you henceL 5 !ill not go thither. Be ore God, the "ery bare apprehension thereo is like to kill me. To be in a place !here there are greedy, amished, and hunger$star"ed de"ilsE amongst actious de"ils$$amidst trading and tra icking de"ils$$' the %ord preser"e meL Get you henceL 5 dare pa!n my credit on it, that no 7acobin, Cordelier, Carmelite, Capuchin, Theatin, or <inim !ill besto! any personal presence at his interment. The !iser they, because he hath ordained nothing or them in his latter !ill and testament. The de"il take me, i 5 go thither. 5 he be damned, to his o!n loss and hindrance be it. ;hat the deuce mo"ed him to be so snappish and depra"edly bent against the good athers o the true religionK ;hy did he cast them o , reject them, and dri"e them >uite out o his chamber, e"en in that "ery nick o time !hen he stood in greatest need o the aid, su rage, and assistance o their de"out prayers and holy admonitionsK ;hy did not he by testament lea"e them, at least, some jolly lumps and cantles o substantial meat, a parcel o cheek$pu ing "ictuals, and a little belly$timber and pro"ision or the guts o these poor olks, !ho ha"e nothing but their li e in this !orldK %et him go thither !ho !ill, the de"il take me i 5 goE or, i 5 should, the de"il !ould not ail to snatch me up. Cancro. (o, the po?L Get you hence, Friar 7ohnL *rt thou content that thirty thousand !ainload o de"ils should get a!ay !ith thee at this same "ery instantK 5 thou be, at my re>uest do these three things. First, gi"e me thy purseE or besides that thy money is marked !ith crosses, and the cross is an enemy to charms, the same may be all to thee !hich not long ago happened to 7ohn )odin, collector o the e?cise o Coudray, at the ord o =ede, !hen the soldiers broke the planks. This moneyed ello!, meeting at the "ery brink o the bank o the ord !ith Friar *dam Crankcod, a Franciscan obser"antin o <irebeau, promised him a ne! rock, pro"ided that in the transporting o him o"er the !ater he !ould bear him upon his neck and shoulders, a ter the manner o carrying dead goatsE or he !as a lusty, strong$limbed, sturdy rogue. The condition being agreed upon, Friar Crankcod trusseth himsel up to his "ery ballocks, and layeth upon his back, like a air little +aint Christopher, the load o the said supplicant )odin, and so carried him gaily and !ith a good !ill, as *eneas bore his ather *nchises through the con lagration o Troy, singing in the mean!hile a pretty *"e <aris +tella. ;hen they !ere in the "ery deepest place o all the ord, a little abo"e the master$!heel o the !ater$mill, he asked i he had any coin about him. #es, >uoth )odin, a !hole bag ulE and that he needed not to mistrust his ability in the per ormance o the promise !hich he had made unto him concerning a ne! rock. (o!L >uoth Friar Crankcod, thou kno!est !ell enough that by the e?press rules, canons, and injunctions o our order !e are orbidden to carry on us any kind o money. Thou art truly unhappy, or ha"ing made me in this point to commit a heinous trespass. ;hy didst thou not lea"e thy purse !ith the millerK ;ithout ail thou shalt presently recei"e thy re!ard or itE and i e"er herea ter 5 may but lay hold upon thee !ithin

the limits o our chancel at <irebeau, thou shalt ha"e the <iserere e"en to the =itulos. ;ith this, suddenly discharging himsel o his burden, he thro!s me do!n your )odin headlong. Take e?ample by this )odin, my dear riend Friar 7ohn, to the end that the de"ils may the better carry thee a!ay at thine o!n ease. Gi"e me thy purse. Carry no manner o cross upon thee. Therein lieth an e"ident and mani estly apparent danger. For i you ha"e any sil"er coined !ith a cross upon it, they !ill cast thee do!n headlong upon some rocks, as the eagles use to do !ith the tortoises or the breaking o their shells, as the bald pate o the poet *eschylus can su iciently bear !itness. +uch a all !ould hurt thee "ery sore, my s!eet bully, and 5 !ould be sorry or it. 'r other!ise they !ill let thee all and tumble do!n into the high s!ollen !a"es o some capacious sea, 5 kno! not !hereE but, 5 !arrant thee, ar enough hence, as 5carus ell, !hich rom thy name !ould a ter!ards get the denomination o the Funnelian +ea. +econdly, be out o debt. For the de"ils carry a great liking to those that are out o debt. 5 ha"e sore elt the e?perience thereo in mine o!n particularE or no! the lecherous "arlets are al!ays !ooing me, courting me, and making much o me, !hich they ne"er did !hen 5 !as all to pieces. The soul o one in debt is insipid, dry, and heretical altogether. Thirdly, !ith the co!l and )omino de Grobis, return to RaminagrobisE and in case, being thus >uali ied, thirty thousand boats ul o de"ils orth!ith come not to carry thee >uite a!ay, 5 shall be content to be at the charge o paying or the pint and aggot. 9o!, i or the more security thou !ouldst some associate to bear thee company, let not me be the comrade thou searchest orE think not to get a ello!$tra"eller o me,$$nay, do not. 5 ad"ise thee or the best. Get you henceE 5 !ill not go thither. The de"il take me i 5 go. 9ot!ithstanding all the right that you are in, >uoth Friar 7ohn, 5 !ould not care so much as might possibly be e?pected 5 should, i 5 once had but my s!ord in my hand. Thou hast "erily hit the nail on the head, >uoth Panurge, and speakest like a learned doctor, subtle and !ell$skilled in the art o de"ilry. *t the time !hen 5 !as a student in the 8ni"ersity o Toulouse @ToletteD, that same re"erend ather in the de"il, Picatri?, rector o the diabological aculty, !as !ont to tell us that the de"ils did naturally ear the bright glancing o s!ords as much as the splendour and light o the sun. 5n con irmation o the "erity !hereo he related this story, that (ercules, at his descent into hell to all the de"ils o those regions, did not by hal so much terri y them !ith his club and lion's skin as a ter!ards *eneas did !ith his clear shining armour upon him, and his s!ord in his hand !ell$ urbished and unrusted, by the aid, counsel, and assistance o the +ybilla Cumana. That !as perhaps the reason !hy the senior 7ohn 7acomo di Tri"ulcio, !hilst he !as a$dying at Chartres, called or his cutlass, and died !ith a dra!n s!ord in his hand, laying about him alongst and ath!art around the bed and e"ery!here !ithin his reach, like a stout, doughty, "alorous and knight$like ca"alierE by !hich resolute manner o ence he scared a!ay and put to light all the de"ils that !ere then lying in !ait or his soul at the passage o his death. ;hen the <assorets and Cabalists are asked !hy it is that none o all the de"ils do at any time enter into the terrestrial paradiseK their ans!er hath been, is, and !ill be still, that there is a cherubin standing at the gate thereo !ith a lame$like glistering s!ord in his hand. *lthough, to speak in the true diabological sense or phrase o Toledo, 5 must needs con ess and ackno!ledge that "eritably the de"ils cannot be killed or die by the stroke o a s!ord, 5 do ne"ertheless a"o! and maintain, according to the doctrine o the said diabology, that they may su er a solution o continuity @as i !ith thy shable thou shouldst cut ath!art the lame o a

burning ire, or the gross opacous e?halations o a thick and obscure smokeD, and cry out like "ery de"ils at their sense and eeling o this dissolution, !hich in real deed 5 must a"er and a irm is de"ilishly pain ul, smarting, and dolorous. ;hen thou seest the impetuous shock o t!o armies, and "ehement "iolence o the push in their horrid encounter !ith one another, dost thou think, Ballockasso, that so horrible a noise as is heard there proceedeth rom the "oice and shouts o men, the dashing and jolting o harness, the clattering and clashing o armies, the hacking and slashing o battle$a?es, the justling and crashing o pikes, the bustling and breaking o lances, the clamour and shrieks o the !ounded, the sound and din o drums, the clangour and shrillness o trumpets, the neighing and rushing in o horses, !ith the ear ul claps and thundering o all sorts o guns, rom the double cannon to the pocket pistol inclusi"elyK 5 cannot goodly deny but that in these "arious things !hich 5 ha"e rehearsed there may be some!hat occasionati"e o the huge yell and tintamarre o the t!o engaged bodies. But the most ear ul and tumultuous coil and stir, the terriblest and most boisterous garboil and hurry, the chie est rustling black santus o all, and most principal hurlyburly springeth rom the grie"ously plangorous ho!ling and lo!ing o de"ils, !ho pell$mell, in a hand$o"er$head con usion, !aiting or the poor souls o the maimed and hurt soldiery, recei"e una!ares some strokes !ith s!ords, and so by those means su er a solution o and di"ision in the continuity o their aerial and in"isible substancesE as i some lackey, snatching at the lard$slices stuck in a piece o roast meat on the spit, should get rom <r. Greasy ist a good rap on the knuckles !ith a cudgel. They cry out and shout like de"ils, e"en as <ars did !hen he !as hurt by )iomedes at the siege o Troy, !ho, as (omer testi ieth o him, did then raise his "oice more horri ically loud and sonori erously high than ten thousand men together !ould ha"e been able to do. ;hat maketh all this or our present purposeK 5 ha"e been speaking here o !ell$ urbished armour and bright shining s!ords. But so is it not, Friar 7ohn, !ith thy !eaponE or by a long discontinuance o !ork, cessation rom labour, desisting rom making it o iciate, and putting it into that practice !herein it had been ormerly accustomed, and, in a !ord, or !ant o occupation, it is, upon my aith, become more rusty than the key$hole o an old po!dering$tub. There ore it is e?pedient that you do one o these t!o things& either urbish your !eapon bra"ely, and as it ought to be, or other!ise ha"e a care that, in the rusty case it is in, you do not presume to return to the house o Raminagrobis. For my part, 5 "o! 5 !ill not go thither. The de"il take me i 5 go.

Chapter C.II5=. (o! Panurge consulteth !ith 1pistemon. (a"ing le t the to!n o =illomere, as they !ere upon their return to!ards Pantagruel, Panurge, in addressing his discourse to 1pistemon, spoke thus& <y most ancient riend and gossip, thou seest the perple?ity o my thoughts, and kno!est many remedies or the remo"al thereo E art thou not able to help and succour meK 1pistemon, thereupon taking the speech in hand, represented unto Panurge ho! the open "oice and common ame o the !hole country did run upon no other discourse but the derision and mockery o his ne! disguiseE !here ore his counsel unto him !as that he !ould in the irst place be pleased to make use o a little hellebore or the

purging o his brain o that peccant humour !hich, through that e?tra"agant and antastic mummery o his, had urnished the people !ith a too just occasion o louting and gibing, jeering and sco ing him, and that ne?t he !ould resume his ordinary ashion o accoutrement, and go apparelled as he !as !ont to do. 5 am, >uoth Panurge, my dear gossip 1pistemon, o a mind and resolution to marry, but am a raid o being a cuckold and to be un ortunate in my !edlock. For this cause ha"e 5 made a "o! to young +t. Francis$$!ho at Plessis$les$Tours is much re"erenced o all !omen, earnestly cried unto by them, and !ith great de"otion, or he !as the irst ounder o the con raternity o good men, !hom they naturally co"et, a ect, and long or$$to !ear spectacles in my cap, and to carry no codpiece in my breeches, until the present in>uietude and perturbation o my spirits be ully settled. Truly, >uoth 1pistemon, that is a pretty jolly "o! o thirteen to a doHen. 5t is a shame to you, and 5 !onder much at it, that you do not return unto yoursel , and recall your senses rom this their !ild s!er"ing and straying abroad to that rest and stillness !hich becomes a "irtuous man. This !himsical conceit o yours brings me to the remembrance o a solemn promise made by the shag$haired *rgi"es, !ho, ha"ing in their contro"ersy against the %acedaemonians or the territory o Thyrea, lost the battle !hich they hoped should ha"e decided it or their ad"antage, "o!ed to carry ne"er any hair on their heads till preallably they had reco"ered the loss o both their honour and lands. *s like!ise to the memory o the "o! o a pleasant +paniard called <ichael )oris, !ho "o!ed to carry in his hat a piece o the shin o his leg till he should be re"enged o him !ho had struck it o . #et do not 5 kno! !hich o these t!o deser"eth most to !ear a green and yello! hood !ith a hare's ears tied to it, either the a oresaid "ainglorious champion, or that 1nguerrant, !ho ha"ing orgot the art and manner o !riting histories set do!n by the +amosatian philosopher, maketh a most tediously long narrati"e and relation thereo . For, at the irst reading o such a pro use discourse, one !ould think it had been broached or the introducing o a story o great importance and moment concerning the !aging o some ormidable !ar, or the notable change and mutation o potent states and kingdomsE but, in conclusion, the !orld laugheth at the capricious champion, at the 1nglishman !ho had a ronted him, as also at their scribbler 1nguerrant, more dri"elling at the mouth than a mustard pot. The jest and scorn thereo is not unlike to that o the mountain o (orace, !hich by the poet !as made to cry out and lament most enormously as a !oman in the pangs and labour o child$birth, at !hich deplorable and e?orbitant cries and lamentations the !hole neighbourhood being assembled in e?pectation to see some mar"ellous monstrous production, could at last percei"e no other but the paltry, ridiculous mouse. #our mousing, >uoth Panurge, !ill not make me lea"e my musing !hy olks should be so rumpishly disposed, seeing 5 am certainly persuaded that some lout !ho merit to be louted atE yet, as my "o! imports, so !ill 5 do. 5t is no! a long time since, by 7upiter Philos @* mistake o the translator's.$$<.D, !e did s!ear aith and amity to one another. Gi"e me your ad"ice, billy, and tell me your opinion reely, +hould 5 marry or noK Truly, >uoth 1pistemon, the case is haHardous, and the danger so eminently apparent that 5 ind mysel too !eak and insu icient to gi"e you a punctual and peremptory resolution thereinE and i e"er it !as true that judgment is di icult in matters o the medicinal art, !hat !as said by (ippocrates o %ango, it is certainly so in this case. True it is that in my brain there are some rolling ancies, by means !hereo some!hat may be pitched upon o a seeming e icacy to the disentangling your mind o those

dubious apprehensions !here!ith it is perple?edE but they do not thoroughly satis y me. +ome o the Platonic sect a irm that !hosoe"er is able to see his proper genius may kno! his o!n destiny. 5 understand not their doctrine, nor do 5 think that you adhere to themE there is a palpable abuse. 5 ha"e seen the e?perience o it in a "ery curious gentleman o the country o 1stangourre. This is one o the points. There is yet another not much better. 5 there !ere any authority no! in the oracles o 7upiter *mmonE o *pollo in %ebadia, )elphos, )elos, Cyrra, Patara, Tegyres, Preneste, %ycia, Colophon, or in the Castalian FountainE near *ntiochia in +yria, bet!een the BranchidiansE o Bacchus in )odonaE o <ercury in Phares, near PatrasE o *pis in 1gyptE o +erapis in CanopeE o Faunus in <enalia, and *lbunea near Ti"oliE o Tiresias in 'rchomenusE o <opsus in CiliciaE o 'rpheus in %esbos, and o Trophonius in %eucadiaE 5 !ould in that case ad"ise you, and possibly not, to go thither or their judgment concerning the design and enterprise you ha"e in hand. But you kno! that they are all o them become as dumb as so many ishes since the ad"ent o that +a"iour :ing !hose coming to this !orld hath made all oracles and prophecies to ceaseE as the approach o the sun's radiant beams e?pelleth goblins, bugbears, hobthrushes, broams, screech$o!l$mates, night$!alking spirits, and tenebrions. These no! are goneE but although they !ere as yet in continuance and in the same po!er, rule, and re>uest that ormerly they !ere, yet !ould not 5 counsel you to be too credulous in putting any trust in their responses. Too many olks ha"e been decei"ed thereby. 5t stands urthermore upon record ho! *grippina did charge the air %ollia !ith the crime o ha"ing interrogated the oracle o *pollo Clarius, to understand i she should be at any time married to the 1mperor ClaudiusE or !hich cause she !as irst banished, and therea ter put to a shame ul and ignominious death. But, saith Panurge, let us do better. The 'gygian 5slands are not ar distant rom the ha"en o +ammalo. %et us, a ter that !e shall ha"e spoken to our king, make a "oyage thither. 5n one o these our isles, to !it, that !hich hath its primest aspect to!ards the sun setting, it is reported, and 5 ha"e read in good anti>ue and authentic authors, that there reside many soothsayers, ortune$tellers, "aticinators, prophets, and di"iners o things to comeE that +aturn inhabiteth that place, bound !ith air chains o gold and !ithin the conca"ity o a golden rock, being nourished !ith di"ine ambrosia and nectar, !hich are daily in great store and abundance transmitted to him rom the hea"ens, by 5 do not !ell kno! !hat kind o o!ls,$$it may be that they are the same ra"ens !hich in the deserts are said to ha"e ed +t. Paul, the irst hermit,$$he "ery clearly oretelleth unto e"eryone !ho is desirous to be certi ied o the condition o his lot !hat his destiny !ill be, and !hat uture chance the Fates ha"e ordained or himE or the Parcae, or ;eird +isters, do not t!ist, spin, or dra! out a thread, nor yet doth 7upiter perpend, project, or deliberate anything !hich the good old celestial ather kno!eth not to the ull, e"en !hilst he is asleep. This !ill be a "ery summary abbre"iation o our labour, i !e but hearken unto him a little upon the serious debate and can"assing o this my perple?ity. That is, ans!ered 1pistemon, a gullery too e"ident, a plain abuse and ib too abulous. 5 !ill not go, not 5E 5 !ill not go.

Chapter C.II=. (o! Panurge consulteth !ith (err Trippa.

9e"ertheless, >uoth 1pistemon, continuing his discourse, 5 !ill tell you !hat you may do, i you belie"e me, be ore !e return to our king. (ard by here, in the Bro!n$!heat @BouchartD 5sland, d!elleth (err Trippa. #ou kno! ho! by the arts o astrology, geomancy, chiromancy, metopomancy, and others o a like stu and nature, he oretelleth all things to comeE let us talk a little, and con er !ith him about your business. ' that, ans!ered Panurge, 5 kno! nothingE but o this much concerning him 5 am assured, that one day, and that not long since, !hilst he !as prating to the great king o celestial, sublime, and transcendent things, the lac>ueys and ootboys o the court, upon the upper steps o stairs bet!een t!o doors, jumbled, one a ter another, as o ten as they listed, his !i e, !ho is passable air, and a pretty snug hussy. Thus he !ho seemed "ery clearly to see all hea"enly and terrestrial things !ithout spectacles, !ho discoursed boldly o ad"entures past, !ith great con idence opened up present cases and accidents, and stoutly pro essed the presaging o all uture e"ents and contingencies, !as not able, !ith all the skill and cunning that he had, to percei"e the bumbasting o his !i e, !hom he reputed to be "ery chaste, and hath not till this hour got notice o anything to the contrary. #et let us go to him, seeing you !ill ha"e it soE or surely !e can ne"er learn too much. They on the "ery ne?t ensuing day came to (err Trippa's lodging. Panurge, by !ay o donati"e, presented him !ith a long go!n lined all through !ith !ol $skins, !ith a short s!ord mounted !ith a gilded hilt and co"ered !ith a "el"et scabbard, and !ith i ty good single angelsE then in a amiliar and riendly !ay did he ask o him his opinion touching the a air. *t the "ery irst (err Trippa, looking on him "ery !istly in the ace, said unto him& Thou hast the metoposcopy and physiognomy o a cuckold,$$5 say, o a notorious and in amous cuckold. ;ith this, casting an eye upon Panurge's right hand in all the parts thereo , he said, This rugged draught !hich 5 see here, just under the mount o 7o"e, !as ne"er yet but in the hand o a cuckold. * ter!ards, he !ith a !hite lead pen s!i tly and hastily dre! a certain number o di"erse kinds o points, !hich by rules o geomancy he coupled and joined togetherE then said& Truth itsel is not truer than that it is certain thou !ilt be a cuckold a little a ter thy marriage. That being done, he asked o Panurge the horoscope o his nati"ity, !hich !as no sooner by Panurge tendered unto him, than that, erecting a igure, he "ery promptly and speedily ormed and ashioned a complete abric o the houses o hea"en in all their parts, !hereo !hen he had considered the situation and the aspects in their triplicities, he etched a deep sigh, and said& 5 ha"e clearly enough already disco"ered unto you the ate o your cuckoldry, !hich is una"oidable, you cannot escape it. *nd here ha"e 5 got o ne! a urther assurance thereo , so that 5 may no! hardily pronounce and a irm, !ithout any scruple or hesitation at all, that thou !ilt be a cuckoldE that urthermore, thou !ilt be beaten by thine o!n !i e, and that she !ill purloin, ilch and steal o thy goods rom theeE or 5 ind the se"enth house, in all its aspects, o a malignant in luence, and e"ery one o the planets threatening thee !ith disgrace, according as they stand seated to!ards one another, in relation to the horned signs o *ries, Taurus, and Capricorn. 5n the ourth house 5 ind 7upiter in a decadence, as also in a tetragonal aspect to +aturn, associated !ith <ercury. Thou !ilt be soundly peppered, my good, honest ello!, 5 !arrant thee. 5 !ill beK ans!ered Panurge. * plague rot thee, thou old ool and doting sot, ho! graceless and unpleasant thou artL ;hen all cuckolds shall be at a general rendeH"ous, thou shouldst be their standard$bearer. But !hence comes this ciron$!orm bet!i?t these t!o ingersK This Panurge said, putting the ore inger o his le t hand bet!i?t the ore and mid inger o the right, !hich he thrust out to!ards (err Trippa, holding them open a ter the manner o t!o horns, and shutting

into his ist his thumb !ith the other ingers. Then, in turning to 1pistemon, he said& %o here the true 'lus o <artial, !ho addicted and de"oted himsel !holly to the obser"ing the miseries, crosses, and calamities o others, !hilst his o!n !i e, in the interim, did keep an open ba!dy$house. This "arlet is poorer than e"er !as 5rus, and yet he is proud, "aunting, arrogant, sel $conceited, o"er!eening, and more insupportable than se"enteen de"ilsE in one !ord, PtochalaHon, !hich term o old !as applied to the like beggarly strutting co?combs. Come, let us lea"e this madpash bedlam, this hairbrained op, and gi"e him lea"e to ra"e and dose his belly ul !ith his pri"ate and intimately ac>uainted de"ils, !ho, i they !ere not the "ery !orst o all in ernal iends, !ould ne"er ha"e deigned to ser"e such a kna"ish barking cur as this is. (e hath not learnt the irst precept o philosophy, !hich is, :no! thysel E or !hilst he braggeth and boasteth that he can discern the least mote in the eye o another, he is not able to see the huge block that puts out the sight o both his eyes. This is such another Polypragmon as is by Plutarch described. (e is o the nature o the %amian !itches, !ho in oreign places, in the houses o strangers, in public, and amongst the common people, had a sharper and more piercing inspection into their a airs than any lyn?, but at home in their o!n proper d!elling$mansions !ere blinder than mold!arps, and sa! nothing at all. For their custom !as, at their return rom abroad, !hen they !ere by themsel"es in pri"ate, to take their eyes out o their head, rom !hence they !ere as easily remo"able as a pair o spectacles rom their nose, and to lay them up into a !ooden slipper !hich or that purpose did hang behind the door o their lodging. Panurge had no sooner done speaking, !hen (err Trippa took into his hand a tamarisk branch. 5n this, >uoth 1pistemon, he doth "ery !ell, right, and like an artist, or 9icander calleth it the di"inatory tree. (a"e you a mind, >uoth (err Trippa, to ha"e the truth o the matter yet more ully and amply disclosed unto you by pyromancy, by aeromancy, !hereo *ristophanes in his Clouds maketh great estimation, by hydromancy, by lecanomancy, o old in prime re>uest amongst the *ssyrians, and thoroughly tried by (ermolaus Barbarus. Come hither, and 5 !ill sho! thee in this platter ul o air ountain$!ater thy uture !i e lechering and sercroupieriHing it !ith t!o s!aggering ru ians, one a ter another. #ea, but ha"e a special care, >uoth Panurge, !hen thou comest to put thy nose !ithin mine arse, that thou orget not to pull o thy spectacles. (err Trippa, going on in his discourse, said, By catoptromancy, like!ise held in such account by the 1mperor )idius 7ulianus, that by means thereo he e"er and anon oresa! all that !hich at any time did happen or be all unto him. Thou shalt not need to put on thy spectacles, or in a mirror thou !ilt see her as clearly and mani estly nebrundiated and billibodring it, as i 5 should sho! it in the ountain o the temple o <iner"a near Patras. By coscinomancy, most religiously obser"ed o old amidst the ceremonies o the ancient Romans. %et us ha"e a sie"e and shears, and thou shalt see de"ils. By alphitomancy, cried up by Theocritus in his Pharmaceutria. By alentomancy, mi?ing the lour o !heat !ith oatmeal. By astragalomancy, !hereo 5 ha"e the plots and models all at hand ready or the purpose. By tyromancy, !hereo !e make some proo in a great Brehemont cheese !hich 5 here keep by me. By giromancy, i thou shouldst turn round circles, thou mightest assure thysel rom me that they !ould all al!ays on the !rong side. By sternomancy, !hich maketh nothing or thy ad"antage, or thou hast an ill$proportioned stomach. By libanomancy, or the !hich !e shall need but a little rankincense. By gastromancy, !hich kind o "entral atilo>uency !as or a long time together used in Ferrara by %ady Giacoma Rodogina, the 1ngastrimythian prophetess. By cephalomancy, o ten practised amongst the

(igh Germans in their boiling o an ass's head upon burning coals. By ceromancy, !here, by the means o !a? dissol"ed into !ater, thou shalt see the igure, portrait, and li"ely representation o thy uture !i e, and o her redin redaliatory belly$thumping blades. By capnomancy. ' the gallantest and most e?cellent o all secretsL By a?ionomancyE !e !ant only a hatchet and a jet$stone to be laid together upon a >uick ire o hot embers. ' ho! bra"ely (omer !as "ersed in the practice hereo to!ards Penelope's suitorsL By onymancyE or that !e ha"e oil and !a?. By tephromancy. Thou !ilt see the ashes thus alo t dispersed e?hibiting thy !i e in a ine posture. By botanomancyE or the nonce 5 ha"e some e! lea"es in reser"e. By sicomancyE ' di"ine art in ig$tree lea"esL By icthiomancy, in ancient times so celebrated, and put in use by Tiresias and Polydamas, !ith the like certainty o e"ent as !as tried o old at the )ina$ditch !ithin that gro"e consecrated to *pollo !hich is in the territory o the %ycians. By choiromancyE let us ha"e a great many hogs, and thou shalt ha"e the bladder o one o them. By cheromancy, as the bean is ound in the cake at the 1piphany "igil. By anthropomancy, practised by the Roman 1mperor (eliogabalus. 5t is some!hat irksome, but thou !ilt endure it !ell enough, seeing thou art destinated to be a cuckold. By a sibylline stichomancy. By onomatomancy. (o! do they call theeK Cha!$turd, >uoth Panurge. 'r yet by alectryomancy. 5 5 should here !ith a compass dra! a round, and in looking upon thee, and considering thy lot, di"ide the circum erence thereo into our$and$t!enty e>ual parts, then orm a se"eral letter o the alphabet upon e"ery one o themE and, lastly, posit a barleycorn or t!o upon each o these so disposed letters, 5 durst promise upon my aith and honesty that, i a young "irgin cock be permitted to range alongst and ath!art them, he should only eat the grains !hich are set and placed upon these letters, *. C.8.C.:.'.%.). T.(.'.8. +.(.*.%.T. B.1. *nd that as atidically as, under the 1mperor =alens, most perple?edly desirous to kno! the name o him !ho should be his successor to the empire, the cock "acticinating and alectryomantic ate up the pickles that !ere posited on the letters T.(.1.'.). 'r, or the more certainty, !ill you ha"e a trial o your ortune by the art o aruspiciny, by augury, or by e?tispicinyK By turdispiciny, >uoth Panurge. 'r yet by the mystery o necromancyK 5 !ill, i you please, suddenly set up again and re"i"e someone lately deceased, as *pollonius o Tyane did to *chilles, and the Pythoness in the presence o +aulE !hich body, so raised up and re>uickened, !ill tell us the sum o all you shall re>uire o him& no more nor less than, at the in"ocation o 1rictho, a certain de unct person oretold to Pompey the !hole progress and issue o the atal battle ought in the Pharsalian ields. 'r, i you be a raid o the dead, as commonly all cuckolds are, 5 !ill make use o the aculty o sciomancy. Go, get thee gone, >uoth Panurge, thou rantic ass, to the de"il, and be buggered, ilthy Bardachio that thou art, by some *lbanian, or a steeple$cro!ned hat. ;hy the de"il didst not thou counsel me as !ell to hold an emerald or the stone o a hyaena under my tongue, or to urnish and pro"ide mysel !ith tongues o !hoops, and hearts o green rogs, or to eat o the li"er and milt o some dragon, to the end that by those means 5 might, at the chanting and chirping o s!ans and other o!ls, understand the substance o my uture lot and destiny, as did o old the *rabians in the country o <esopotamiaK Fi teen brace o de"ils seiHe upon the body and soul o this horned renegado, miscreant cuckold, the enchanter, !itch, and sorcerer o *ntichrist to all the de"ils o hellL %et us return to!ards our king. 5 am sure he !ill not be !ell pleased !ith us i he once come to get notice that !e ha"e been in the kennel o this mu led de"il. 5 repent my being come hither. 5 !ould !illingly dispense !ith a hundred nobles and

ourteen yeomans, on condition that he !ho not long since did blo! in the bottom o my breeches should instantly !ith his s>uirting spittle inluminate his moustaches. ' %ord God no!L ho! the "illain hath besmoked me !ith "e?ation and anger, !ith charms and !itchcra t, and !ith a terrible coil and stir o in ernal and Tartarian de"ilsL The de"il take himL +ay *men, and let us go drink. 5 shall not ha"e any appetite or my "ictuals, ho! good cheer soe"er 5 make, these t!o days to come,$$hardly these our.

Chapter C.II=5. (o! Panurge consulteth !ith Friar 7ohn o the Funnels. Panurge !as indeed "ery much troubled in mind and dis>uieted at the !ords o (err Trippa, and there ore, as he passed by the little "illage o (uymes, a ter he had made his address to Friar 7ohn, in pecking at, rubbing, and scratching his o!n le t ear, he said unto him, :eep me a little jo"ial and merry, my dear and s!eet bully, or 5 ind my brains altogether metagraboliHed and con ounded, and my spirits in a most dunsical puHHle at the bitter talk o this de"ilish, hellish, damned ool. (earken, my dainty cod. <ello! C. =arnished C. Resolute C. %ead$coloured C. Reno!ned C. Cabbage$like C. :nurled C. <atted C. Courteous C. +uborned C. Geniti"e C. Fertile C. )esired C. Gigantal C. ;hiHHing C. +tu ed C. '"al C. 9eat C. +peckled C. Claustral C. Common C. Finely metalled C. =irile C. Brisk C. *rabian$like C. +tayed C. Juick C. Trussed$up Grey$ <assi"e C. Bearlike C. hound$like C. <anual C. Partitional C. <ounted C. *bsolute C. Patronymic C. +leeked C. ;ell$set C. Cockney C. )iapered C. Gemel C. *uromercuriated C. +potted C. Turkish C. Robust C. <aster C. Burning C. *ppetiHing C. +eeded C. Th!acking C. +uccourable C. %usty C. 8rgent C. Redoubtable C. 7upped C. (andsome C. * able C. <ilked C. Prompt C. <emorable C. Cal eted C. Fortunate C. Palpable C. Raised C. Bo?!ood C. Barbable C. 'dd C. %atten C. Tragical C. +teeled C. 8nbridled C. Transpontine C. +tale C. (ooked C. )igesti"e C. 'range$ta!ny C. Researched C. *cti"e C. 1mbroidered C. 1ncompassed C. =ital C. GlaHed C. +trouting out C. <agistral C. 5nterlarded C. 7olly C. <onachal C. Burgher$like C. %i"ely C. +ubtle C. 1mpo!dered C. Gerundi"e C. (ammering C. 1boniHed C. Franked C. Clashing C. Brasiliated C. Polished C. Tingling C. 'rganiHed C. Po!dered Bee C. 8sual C.

Passable C. Positi"e C. 1?>uisite C. Trunki ied C. +pared C. Trim C. Furious C. Bold C. +ucculent C. Packed C. %asci"ious C. Factious C. (ooded C. Gluttonous C. Clammy C. Fat C. Boulting C. 9e!$"amped C. (igh$priHed C. +norting C. 5mpro"ed C. Re>uisite C. Pil ering C. <alling C. %aycod C. +haking C. +ounding C. (and$ illing C. Bobbing C. Battled C. 5nsuperable C. Chi"eted C. Burly C. *greeable C. Fumbling C. +editious C. Formidable C. Topsytur"ying C. ;ardian C. Pro itable C. Raging C. Protecti"e C. 9otable C. Piled up C. T!inkling C. <usculous C. Filled up C. *ble C. +ubsidiary C. <anly C. *lgoristical C. +atiric C. 5dle C. 'dori erous C. Repercussi"e C. <embrous C. Pranked C. Con"ulsi"e C. +trong C. 7ocund C. Restorati"e C. T!in C. Routing C. <asculinating C. Belabouring C. Purloining C. 5ncarnati"e C. Gentle C. Frolic C. +igillati"e C. +tirring C. ;agging C. +allying C. Con ident C. Ru ling C. Plump C. 9imble C. 7umbling C. Thundering C. Roundheaded C. Rumbling C. %echering C. Figging C. Thumping C. Fulminating C. (elp ul C. Bumping C. +parkling C. +pruce C. Cringeling C. Ramming C. Plucking C. Berumpling C. %usty C. Ramage C. 7ogging C. (ousehold C. Fine C. 9obbing C. Pretty C. Fierce C. TouHing C. *strolabian C. Bra!ny C. Tumbling C. *lgebraical C. Compt C. Fambling C. =enust C. Repaired C. '"erturning C. *romatiHing C. +o t C. +hooting C. Tricksy C. ;ild C. Culeting C. Paillard C. Rene!ed C. 7agged C. Gaillard C. Juaint C. Pinked C. Broaching C. +tarting C. *rsi"ersing C. *ddle C. Fleshy C. Polished C. +yndicated C. *u?iliary C. +lashed C. (amed C. +tu ed C. Clashing C. %eisurely C. ;ell$ ed C. ;agging C. Cut C. Flourished C. +criplike C. +mooth C. Fallo! C. 1ncremastered C. )epending C. +udden C. Bouncing C. 5ndependent C. Grasp ul C. %e"elling C. %ingering C. +!illpo! C. Fly$ lap C. Rapping C. Crushing C. Perinae$tegminal C. Re"erend C. Creaking C. +>uat$couching C. 9odding C. )ilting C. +hort$hung C. )isseminating C. Ready C. The hypogastrian C. * ecting C. =igorous C. ;itness$bearing C. * ected C. +kulking C. Testigerous C.

Grappled C.

+uperlati"e C.

5nstrumental C.

<y harcabuHing cod and buttock$stirring ballock, Friar 7ohn, my riend, 5 do carry a singular respect unto thee, and honour thee !ith all my heart. Thy counsel 5 hold or a choice and delicate morselE there ore ha"e 5 reser"ed it or the last bit. Gi"e me thy ad"ice reely, 5 beseech thee, +hould 5 marry or noK Friar 7ohn "ery merrily, and !ith a sprightly cheer ulness, made this ans!er to him& <arry, in the de"il's name. ;hy notK ;hat the de"il else shouldst thou do but marryK Take thee a !i e, and urbish her harness to some tune. +!inge her skin$coat as i thou !ert beating on stock$ ishE and let the repercussion o thy clapper rom her resounding metal make a noise as i a double peal o chiming$bells !ere hung at the cremasters o thy ballocks. *s 5 say marry, so do 5 understand that thou shouldst all to !ork as speedily as may beE yea, my meaning is that thou oughtest to be so >uick and or!ard therein, as on this same "ery day, be ore sunset, to cause proclaim thy banns o matrimony, and make pro"ision o bedsteads. By the blood o a hog's$pudding, till !hen !ouldst thou delay the acting o a husband's partK )ost thou not kno!, and is it not daily told unto thee, that the end o the !orld approachethK ;e are nearer it by three poles and hal a athom than !e !ere t!o days ago. The *ntichrist is already bornE at least it is so reported by many. The truth is, that hitherto the e ects o his !rath ha"e not reached urther than to the scratching o his nurse and go"ernesses. (is nails are not sharp enough as yet, nor ha"e his cla!s attained to their ull gro!th,$$he is little. CrescatE 9os >ui "i"imus, multiplicemur. 5t is !ritten so, and it is holy stu , 5 !arrant youE the truth !hereo is like to last as long as a sack o corn may be had or a penny, and a puncheon o pure !ine or threepence. ;ouldst thou be content to be ound !ith thy genitories ull in the day o judgmentK )um "enerit judicariK Thou hast, >uoth Panurge, a right, clear, and neat spirit, Friar 7ohn, my metropolitan codE thou speakst in "ery deed pertinently and to purpose. That belike !as the reason !hich mo"ed %eander o *bydos in *sia, !hilst he !as s!imming through the (ellespontic sea to make a "isit to his s!eetheart (ero o +estus in 1urope, to pray unto 9eptune and all the other marine gods, thus& 9o!, !hilst 5 go, ha"e pity on me, *nd at my back returning dro!n me. (e !as loth, it seems, to die !ith his cods o"ergorged. (e !as to be commendedE there ore do 5 promise, that rom hence orth no male actor shall by justice be e?ecuted !ithin my jurisdiction o +almigondinois, !ho shall not, or a day or t!o at least be ore, be permitted to culbut and oraminate onocrotal!ise, that there remain not in all his "essels to !rite a Greek #. +uch a precious thing should not be oolishly cast a!ay. (e !ill perhaps there!ith beget a male, and so depart the more contentedly out o this li e, that he shall ha"e le t behind him one or one.

Chapter C.II=55. (o! Friar 7ohn merrily and sportingly counselleth Panurge.

By +aint Rigomet, >uoth Friar 7ohn, 5 do ad"ise thee to nothing, my dear riend Panurge, !hich 5 !ould not do mysel !ere 5 in thy place. 'nly ha"e a special care, and take good heed thou solder !ell together the joints o the double$backed and t!o$bellied beast, and orti y thy ner"es so strongly, that there be no discontinuance in the knocks o the "enerean th!acking, else thou art lost, poor soul. For i there pass long inter"als bet!i?t the priapiHing eats, and that thou make an intermission o too large a time, that !ill be all thee !hich betides the nurses i they desist rom gi"ing suck to children$$they lose their milkE and i continually thou do not hold thy aspersory tool in e?ercise, and keep thy mentul going, thy lacticinian nectar !ill be gone, and it !ill ser"e thee only as a pipe to piss out at, and thy cods or a !allet o lesser "alue than a beggar's scrip. This is a certain truth 5 tell thee, riend, and doubt not o itE or mysel ha"e seen the sad e?periment thereo in many, !ho cannot no! do !hat they !ould, because be ore they did not !hat they might ha"e done& 1? desuetudine amittuntur pri"ilegia. 9on$usage o tentimes destroys one's right, say the learned doctors o the la!E there ore, my billy, entertain as !ell as possibly thou canst that hypogastrian lo!er sort o troglodytic people, that their chie pleasure may be placed in the case o sempiternal labouring. Gi"e order that hence orth they li"e not, like idle gentlemen, idly upon their rents and re"enues, but that they may !ork or their li"elihood by breaking ground !ithin the Paphian trenches. 9ay truly, ans!ered Panurge, Friar 7ohn, my le t ballock, 5 !ill belie"e thee, or thou dealest plain !ith me, and allest do!nright s>uare upon the business, !ithout going about the bush !ith ri"olous circumstances and unnecessary reser"ations. Thou !ith the splendour o a piercing !it hast dissipated all the lo!ering clouds o an?ious apprehensions and suspicions !hich did intimidate and terri y meE there ore the hea"ens be pleased to grant to thee at all she$con licts a sti $standing ortune. ;ell then, as thou hast said, so !ill 5 doE 5 !ill, in good aith, marry,$$in that point there shall be no ailing, 5 promise thee,$$and shall ha"e al!ays by me pretty girls clothed !ith the name o my !i e's !aiting$maids, that, lying under thy !ings, thou mayest be night$protector o their sisterhood. %et this ser"e or the irst part o the sermon. (earken, >uoth Friar 7ohn, to the oracle o the bells o =arenes. ;hat say theyK 5 hear and understand them, >uoth PanurgeE their sound is, by my thirst, more uprightly atidical than that o 7o"e's great kettles in )odona. (earkenL Take thee a !i e, take thee a !i e, and marry, marry, marryE or i thou marry, thou shalt ind good therein, herein, here in a !i e thou shalt ind goodE so marry, marry. 5 !ill assure thee that 5 shall be marriedE all the elements in"ite and prompt me to it. %et this !ord be to thee a braHen !all, by di idence not to be broken through. *s or the second part o this our doctrine,$$thou seemest in some measure to mistrust the readiness o my paternity in the practising o my placket$racket !ithin the *phrodisian tennis$court at all times itting, as i the sti god o gardens !ere not a"ourable to me. 5 pray thee, a"our me so much as to belie"e that 5 still ha"e him at a beck, attending al!ays my commandments, docile, obedient, "igorous, and acti"e in all things and e"ery!here, and ne"er stubborn or re ractory to my !ill or pleasure. 5 need no more but to let go the reins, and slacken the leash, !hich is the belly$point, and !hen the game is sho!n unto him, say, (ey, 7ack, to thy bootyL he !ill not ail e"en then to lesh himsel upon his prey, and tuHHle it to some purpose. (ereby you may percei"e, although my uture !i e !ere as unsatiable and gluttonous in her "oluptuousness and the delights o "enery as e"er !as the 1mpress <essalina, or yet the <archioness @o 'incesterD in 1ngland, and 5 desire thee to gi"e credit to it, that 5 lack not or !hat is re>uisite to

o"erlay the stomach o her lust, but ha"e !here!ith aboundingly to please her. 5 am not ignorant that +olomon said, !ho indeed o that matter speaketh clerklike and learnedly,$$as also ho! *ristotle a ter him declared or a truth that, or the greater part, the lechery o a !oman is ra"enous and unsatis iable. 9e"ertheless, let such as are my riends !ho read those passages recei"e rom me or a most real "erity, that 5 or such a 7ill ha"e a it 7ackE and that, i !omen's things cannot be satiated, 5 ha"e an instrument inde atigable,$$an implement as copious in the gi"ing as can in cra"ing be their "ade mecums. )o not here produce ancient e?amples o the paragons o paillardice, and o er to match !ith my testiculatory ability the Priapaean pro!ess o the abulous ornicators, (ercules, Proculus Caesar, and <ahomet, !ho in his *lkoran doth "aunt that in his cods he had the "igour o three score bully ru iansE but let no Healous Christian trust the rogue,$$the ilthy ribald rascal is a liar. 9or shalt thou need to urge authorities, or bring orth the instance o the 5ndian prince o !hom Theophrastus, Plinius, and *thenaeus testi y, that !ith the help o a certain herb he !as able, and had gi"en re>uent e?periments thereo , to toss his sine!y piece o generation in the act o carnal concupiscence abo"e three score and ten times in the space o our$and$t!enty hours. ' that 5 belie"e nothing, the number is supposititious, and too prodigally oisted in. Gi"e no aith unto it, 5 beseech thee, but prithee trust me in this, and thy credulity therein shall not be !ronged, or it is true, and probatum est, that my pioneer o nature$$the sacred ithyphallian champion $$is o all sti $intruding blades the primest. Come hither, my ballocket, and hearken. )idst thou e"er see the monk o Castre's co!lK ;hen in any house it !as laid do!n, !hether openly in the "ie! o all or co"ertly out o the sight o any, such !as the ine able "irtue thereo or e?citating and stirring up the people o both se?es unto lechery, that the !hole inhabitants and ind!ellers, not only o that, but like!ise o all the circumjacent places thereto, !ithin three leagues around it, did suddenly enter into rut, both beasts and olks, men and !omen, e"en to the dogs and hogs, rats and cats. 5 s!ear to thee that many times hereto ore 5 ha"e percei"ed and ound in my codpiece a certain kind o energy or e icacious "irtue much more irregular and o a greater anomaly than !hat 5 ha"e related. 5 !ill not speak to thee either o house or cottage, nor o church or market, but only tell thee, that once at the representation o the Passion, !hich !as acted at +aint <a?ents, 5 had no sooner entered !ithin the pit o the theatre, but that orth!ith, by the "irtue and occult property o it, on a sudden all that !ere there, both players and spectators, did all into such an e?orbitant temptation o lust, that there !as not angel, man, de"il, nor de"iless upon the place !ho !ould not then ha"e bricollitched it !ith all their heart and soul. The prompter orsook his copy, he !ho played <ichael's part came do!n to rights, the de"ils issued out o hell and carried along !ith them most o the pretty little girls that !ere thereE yea, %uci er got out o his ettersE in a !ord, seeing the huge disorder, 5 disparked mysel orth o that enclosed place, in imitation o Cato the Censor, !ho percei"ing, by reason o his presence, the Floralian esti"als out o order, !ithdre! himsel .

Chapter C.II=555. (o! Friar 7ohn com orteth Panurge in the doubt ul matter o cuckoldry.

5 understand thee !ell enough, said Friar 7ohnE but time makes all things plain. The most durable marble or porphyry is subject to old age and decay. Though or the present thou possibly be not !eary o the e?ercise, yet is it like 5 !ill hear thee con ess a e! years hence that thy cods hang dangling do!n!ards or !ant o a better truss. 5 see thee !a?ing a little hoar$headed already. Thy beard, by the distinction o grey, !hite, ta!ny, and black, hath to my thinking the resemblance o a map o the terrestrial globe or geographical chart. %ook attenti"ely upon and take inspection o !hat 5 shall sho! unto thee. Behold there *sia. (ere are Tigris and 1uphrates. %o there * ric. (ere is the mountain o the <oon, $$yonder thou mayst percei"e the enny march o 9ilus. 'n this side lieth 1urope. )ost thou not see the *bbey o ThelemeK This little tu t, !hich is altogether !hite, is the (yperborean (ills. By the thirst o my thropple, riend, !hen sno! is on the mountains, 5 say the head and the chin, there is not then any considerable heat to be e?pected in the "alleys and lo! countries o the codpiece. By the kibes o thy heels, >uoth Panurge, thou dost not understand the topics. ;hen sno! is on the tops o the hills, lightning, thunder, tempest, !hirl!inds, storms, hurricanes, and all the de"ils o hell rage in the "alleys. ;ouldst thou see the e?perience thereo , go to the territory o the +!itHers and earnestly perpend !ith thysel there the situation o the lake o ;underberlich, about our leagues distant rom Berne, on the +yon$side o the land. Thou t!ittest me !ith my grey hairs, yet considerest not ho! 5 am o the nature o leeks, !hich !ith a !hite head carry a green, resh, straight, and "igorous tail. The truth is, ne"ertheless @!hy should 5 deny itD, that 5 no! and then discern in mysel some indicati"e signs o old age. Tell this, 5 prithee, to nobody, but let it be kept "ery close and secret bet!i?t us t!oE or 5 ind the !ine much s!eeter no!, more sa"oury to my taste, and unto my palate o a better relish than ormerly 5 !as !ont to doE and !ithal, besides mine accustomed manner, 5 ha"e a more dread ul apprehension than 5 e"er hereto ore ha"e had o lighting on bad !ine. 9ote and obser"e that this doth argue and portend 5 kno! not !hat o the !est and occident o my time, and signi ieth that the south and meridian o mine age is past. But !hat then, my gentle companionK That doth but betoken that 5 !ill herea ter drink so much the more. That is not, the de"il hale it, the thing that 5 earE nor is it there !here my shoe pinches. The thing that 5 doubt most, and ha"e greatest reason to dread and suspect is, that through some long absence o our :ing Pantagruel @to !hom 5 must needs bear company should he go to all the de"ils o BarathrumD, my uture !i e shall make me a cuckold. This is, in truth, the long and short on't. For 5 am by all those !hom 5 ha"e spoke to menaced and threatened !ith a horned ortune, and all o them a irm it is the lot to !hich rom hea"en 5 am predestinated. 1"eryone, ans!ered Friar 7ohn, that !ould be a cuckold is not one. 5 it be thy ate to be herea ter o the number o that horned cattle, then may 5 conclude !ith an 1rgo, thy !i e !ill be beauti ul, and 1rgo, thou !ilt be kindly used by her. %ike!ise !ith this 1rgo, thou shalt be blessed !ith the ruition o many riends and !ell$!illers. *nd inally !ith this other 1rgo, thou shalt be sa"ed and ha"e a place in Paradise. These are monachal topics and ma?ims o the cloister. Thou mayst take more liberty to sin. Thou shalt be more at ease than e"er. There !ill be ne"er the less le t or thee, nothing diminished, but thy goods shall increase notably. *nd i so be it !as preordinated or thee, !ouldst thou be so impious as not to ac>uiesce in thy destinyK +peak, thou jaded cod. Faded C. <ouldy C. <usty C. %outing C. *ppellant C. )iscouraged C. +!agging C. +ur eited C. ;ithered C.

Paltry C. Pee"ish C. Broken$reined C. +enseless C. Translated C. )e ecti"e C. Foundered C. Forlorn C. Crest allen C. )istempered C. 8nsa"oury C. Felled C. Be!rayed C. ;orm$eaten C. Fleeted C. 5n"eigled C. '"ertoiled C. Cloyed C. )angling C. <iserable C. +>ueeHed C. +tupid C. +teeped C. Resty C. +eedless C. :neaded$!ith$cold$ Pounded C. +oaked C. !ater C. %oose C. Coldish C. (acked C. Fruitless C. Pickled C. Flaggy C. Ri"en C. Churned C. +crubby C. Pursy C. Filliped C. )rained C. Fusty C. +ingle ied C. (aled C. 7adish C. Begrimed C. %olling C. Fistulous C. ;rinkled C. )renched C. %anguishing C. Fainted C. Burst C. <ale iciated C. 1?tenuated C. +tirred up C. (ectic C. Grim C. <itred C. ;orn out C. ;asted C. Peddlingly urnished 5ll$ a"oured C. 5n lamed C. C. )unci ied C. 8nhinged C. Rusty C. <acerated C. +cur y C. 1?hausted C. Paralytic C. +traddling C. Perple?ed C. )egraded C. Putre ied C. 8nhel"ed C. Benumbed C. <aimed C. FiHHled C. Bat$like C. '"erlechered C. %eprous C. Fart$shotten C. )ruggely C. Bruised C. +unburnt C. <iti ied C. +padonic C. Paci ied C. Goat$ridden C. Boughty C. Blunted C. ;eakened C. <ealy C. Rankling tasted C. *ss$ridden C. ;rangling C. Rooted out C. Pu $pasted C. Gangrened C. Costi"e C. +t. *nthoni ied C. Crust$risen C. (ailed on C. 8ntriped C. Ragged C. Cu ed C. Blasted C. Juelled C. Bu eted C. Cut o C. Braggadocio C. ;hirreted C. Be"eraged C. Beggarly C. Robbed C. +cari ied C. Trepanned C. 9eglected C. )ashed C. Bedusked C. %ame C. +lashed C. 1masculated C. Con used C. 1n eebled C. Corked C. 8nsa"oury C. ;hore$hunting C. Transparent C. '"erthro!n C. )eteriorated C. =ile C. Boulted C. Chill C. *ntedated C. Trod under C. +crupulous C. Chopped C. )esolate C. CraHed C. Pinked C. )eclining C. Tasteless C. Cup$glassi ied C. +tinking C. +orro! ul C. (arsh C. Crooked C. <urdered C. Beaten C. Brabbling C. <atachin$like C. Barred C. Rotten C. Besotted C. *bandoned C. *n?ious C. Customerless C. Con ounded C. Clouted C. <inced C. %outish C. Tired C. 1?ulcerated C. Borne do!n C. Proud C. Patched C. +parred C. Fractured C.

+tupi ied C. *bashed C. <elancholy C. *nnihilated C. 8nseasonable C. Co?combly C. +pent C. 'ppressed C. Base C. Foiled C. Grated C. Bleaked C. *nguished C. Falling a!ay C. )etested C. )is igured C. +mallcut C. )iaphanous C. )isabled C. )isordered C. 8n!orthy C. Forceless C. %atticed C. Checked C. Censured C. Ruined C. <angled C. Cut C. 1?asperated C. Turned o"er C. Ri led C. Rejected C. (arried C. 8ndone C. Belammed C. Fla!ed C. Corrected C. Fabricitant C. Fro!ard C. +lit C. Perused C. 8gly C. +kittish C. 1masculated C. )ra!n C. +pongy C. Roughly handled C. Ri"en C. Botched C. 1?amined C. )istaste ul C. )ejected C. Cracked C. (anging C. 7agged C. ;ay!ard C. Broken C. Pining C. (aggled C. %imber C. )e ormed C. Gleaning C. 1 eminate C. <ischie"ed C. 5ll$ a"oured C. :indled C. Cobbled C. Pulled C. 1"acuated C. 1mbased C. )rooping C. Grie"ed C. Ransacked C. Faint C. Carking C. )espised C. Parched C. )isorderly C. <angy C. Paltry C. 1mpty C. *based C. Cankered C. )is>uieted C. +upine C. =oid C. Besysted C. <ended C. =e?ed C. Con ounded C. )ismayed C. Bestunk C. (ooked C. )i"orous C. ;inno!ed C. 8nlucky C. ;earied C. )ecayed C. +terile C. +ad C. )isastrous C. Beshitten C. Cross C. 8nhandsome C. *ppeased C. =ain$glorious C. +tummed C. Caiti C. Poor C. Barren C. ;oe ul C. Bro!n C. ;retched C. 8nseemly C. +hrunken C. Feeble C. (ea"y C. *bhorred C. Cast do!n C. ;eak C. Troubled C. +topped C. Prostrated C. +corn ul C. :ept under C. 8ncomely C. )ishonest C. +tubborn C. 9aughty C. Repro"ed C. Ground C. %aid lat C. Cocketed C. Retchless C. +u ocated C. Filthy C. ;eather$beaten C. (eld do!n C. +hred C. Flayed C. Barked C. Cha!ned C. Bald C. (airless C. +hort$!inded C. Tossed C. Flamping C. Branchless C. Flapping C. (ooded C. Chapped C. Cle t C. ;ormy C. Failing C. <eagre C. Besysted @5n his an?iety to s!ell his catalogue as much as possible, +ir Thomas 8r>uhart has set do!n this !ord t!ice.D C. )e icient C. )umpi ied C. Faulty C. %ean C. +uppressed C. Bemealed C. Consumed C. (agged C. <orti ied C.

8sed C. 7a!ped C. +cur"y C. PuHHled C. (a"ocked C. Bescabbed C. *llayed C. *stonished C. Torn C. +poiled C. )ulled C. +ubdued C. Clagged C. +lo! C. +neaking C. Palsy$stricken C. Plucked up C. Bare C. *maHed C. Constipated C. +!art C. Bedunsed C. Blo!n C. +mutched C. 1?tirpated C. Blocki ied C. Raised up C. Banged C. Pommelled C. Chopped C. +tripped C. *ll$to$bemauled C. Flirted C. (oary C. Fallen a!ay C. Blained C. Blotted C. +tale C. Rensy C. +unk in C. Corrupted C. Fro!ning C. Ghastly C. Be lo!ered C. %imping C. 8npointed C. *mated C. Ra"elled C. Beblistered C. Blackish C. Rammish C. ;iHened C. 8nderlaid C. Gaunt C. Beggar$plated C. %oathing C. Beskimmered C. )ou C. 5ll$ illed C. +craggy C. Clarty C. Bobbed C. %ank C. %umpish C. <ated C. +!ashering C. *bject C. Ta!ny C. <oiling C. +ide C. ;healed C. +!inking C. Choked up C. Besmeared C. (arried C. Back!ard C. (ollo! C. Tugged C. Proli? C. Pantless C. To!ed C. +potted C. GuiHened C. <isused C. Crumpled C. )emiss C. *damitical C. Frumpled C. Re ractory C. Ballockatso to the de"il, my dear riend Panurge, seeing it is so decreed by the gods, !ouldst thou in"ert the course o the planets, and make them retrogradeK ;ouldst thou disorder all the celestial spheres, blame the intelligences, blunt the spindles, joint the !her"es, slander the spinning >uills, reproach the bobbins, re"ile the cle!$bottoms, and inally ra"el and unt!ist all the threads o both the !arp and the !a t o the !eird +ister$ParcaeK ;hat a po? to thy bones dost thou mean, stony codK Thou !ouldst i thou couldst, a great deal !orse than the giants o old intended to ha"e done. Come hither, billicullion. ;hether !ouldst thou be jealous !ithout cause, or be a cuckold and kno! nothing o itK 9either the one nor the other, >uoth Panurge, !ould 5 choose to be. But i 5 get an inkling o the matter, 5 !ill pro"ide !ell enough, or there shall not be one stick o !ood !ithin i"e hundred leagues about me !hereo to make a cudgel. 5n good aith, Friar 7ohn, 5 speak no! seriously unto thee, 5 think it !ill be my best not to marry. (earken to !hat the bells do tell me, no! that !e are nearer to themL )o not marry, marry not, not, not, not, notE marry, marry not, not, not, not, not. 5 thou marry, thou !ilt miscarry, carry, carryE thou'lt repent it, resent it, sent itL 5 thou marry, thou a cuckold, a cou$cou$cuckoo, cou$cou$cuckold thou shalt be. By the !orthy !rath o God, 5 begin to be angry. This campanilian oracle retteth me to the guts,$$a <arch hare !as ne"er in such a cha e as 5 am. ' ho! 5 am "e?edL #ou monks and riars o the co!l$pated and hood$polled raternity, ha"e you no remedy nor sal"e against this malady o gra ing horns in headsK (ath nature so abandoned humankind, and o her help le t us so destitute, that married men cannot kno! ho! to sail through the seas o this mortal li e and be sa e rom the !hirlpools, >uicksands, rocks, and

banks that lie alongst the coast o Corn!all. 5 !ill, said Friar 7ohn, sho! thee a !ay and teach thee an e?pedient by means !hereo thy !i e shall ne"er make thee a cuckold !ithout thy kno!ledge and thine o!n consent. )o me the a"our, 5 pray thee, >uoth Panurge, my pretty, so t, do!ny codE no! tell it, billy, tell it, 5 beseech thee. Take, >uoth Friar 7ohn, (ans Car"el's ring upon thy inger, !ho !as the :ing o <elinda's chie je!eller. Besides that this (ans Car"el had the reputation o being "ery skil ul and e?pert in the lapidary's pro ession, he !as a studious, learned, and ingenious man, a scienti ic person, ull o kno!ledge, a great philosopher, o a sound judgment, o a prime !it, good sense, clear spirited, an honest creature, courteous, charitable, a gi"er o alms, and o a jo"ial humour, a boon companion, and a merry blade, i e"er there !as any in the !orld. (e !as some!hat gorbellied, had a little shake in his head, and !as in e ect un!ieldy o his body. 5n his old age he took to !i e the Baili o Concordat's daughter, young, air, jolly, gallant, spruce, risk, brisk, neat, eat, smirk, smug, compt, >uaint, gay, ine, tricksy, trim, decent, proper, grace ul, handsome, beauti ul, comely, and kind$$a little too much$$to her neighbours and ac>uaintance. (ereupon it ell out, a ter the e?piring o a scantling o !eeks, that <aster Car"el became as jealous as a tiger, and entered into a "ery pro ound suspicion that his ne!$married gi?y did keep a$buttock$stirring !ith others. To pre"ent !hich incon"eniency he did tell her many tragical stories o the total ruin o se"eral kingdoms by adulteryE did read unto her the legend o chaste !i"esE then made some lectures to her in the praise o the choice "irtue o pudicity, and did present her !ith a book in commendation o conjugal idelityE !herein the !ickedness o all licentious !omen !as odiously detestedE and !ithal he ga"e her a chain enriched !ith pure oriental sapphires. 9ot!ithstanding all this, he ound her al!ays more and more inclined to the reception o her neighbour copes$mates, that day by day his jealousy increased. 5n se>uel !hereo , one night as he !as lying by her, !hilst in his sleep the rambling ancies o the lecherous deportments o his !i e did take up the cellules o his brain, he dreamt that he encountered !ith the de"il, to !hom he had disco"ered to the ull the buHHing o his head and suspicion that his !i e did tread her shoe a!ry. The de"il, he thought, in this perple?ity did or his com ort gi"e him a ring, and there!ithal did kindly put it on his middle inger, saying, (ans Car"el, 5 gi"e thee this ring,$$!hilst thou carriest it upon that inger, thy !i e shall ne"er carnally be kno!n by any other than thysel !ithout thy special kno!ledge and consent. Gramercy, >uoth (ans Car"el, my lord de"il, 5 renounce <ahomet i e"er it shall come o my inger. The de"il "anished, as is his customE and then (ans Car"el, ull o joy a!aking, ound that his middle inger !as as ar as it could reach !ithin the !hat$do$by$call$it o his !i e. 5 did orget to tell thee ho! his !i e, as soon as she had elt the inger there, said, in recoiling her buttocks, ' , yes, nay, tut, pish, tush, ay, lord, that is not the thing !hich should be put up in that place. ;ith this (ans Car"el thought that some pil ering ello! !as about to take the ring rom him. 5s not this an in allible and so"ereign antidoteK There ore, i thou !ilt belie"e me, in imitation o this e?ample ne"er ail to ha"e continually the ring o thy !i e's commodity upon thy inger. ;hen that !as said, their discourse and their !ay ended.

Chapter C.II5I. (o! Pantagruel con"ocated together a theologian, physician, la!yer, and philosopher, or e?tricating Panurge out o the perple?ity !herein he !as. 9o sooner !ere they come into the royal palace, but they to the ull made report unto Pantagruel o the success o their e?pedition, and sho!ed him the response o Raminagrobis. ;hen Pantagruel had read it o"er and o"er again, the o tener he perused it being the better pleased there!ith, he said, in addressing his speech to Panurge, 5 ha"e not as yet seen any ans!er ramed to your demand !hich a ordeth me more contentment. For in this his succinct copy o "erses, he summarily and brie ly, yet ully enough e?presseth ho! he !ould ha"e us to understand that e"eryone in the project and enterprise o marriage ought to be his o!n car"er, sole arbitrator o his proper thoughts, and rom himsel alone take counsel in the main and peremptory closure o !hat his determination should be, in either his assent to or dissent rom it. +uch al!ays hath been my opinion to you, and !hen at irst you spoke thereo to me 5 truly told you this same "ery thingE but tacitly you scorned my ad"ice, and !ould not harbour it !ithin your mind. 5 kno! or certain, and there ore may 5 !ith the greater con idence utter my conception o it, that philauty, or sel $lo"e, is that !hich blinds your judgment and decei"eth you. %et us do other!ise, and that is this& ;hate"er !e are, or ha"e, consisteth in three things$$the soul, the body, and the goods. 9o!, or the preser"ation o these three, there are three sorts o learned men ordained, each respecti"ely to ha"e care o that one !hich is recommended to his charge. Theologues are appointed or the soul, physicians or the !el are o the body, and la!yers or the sa ety o our goods. (ence it is that it is my resolution to ha"e on +unday ne?t !ith me at dinner a di"ine, a physician, and a la!yer, that !ith those three assembled thus together !e may in e"ery point and particle con er at large o your perple?ity. By +aint Picot, ans!ered Panurge, !e ne"er shall do any good that !ay, 5 see it already. *nd you see yoursel ho! the !orld is "ilely abused, as !hen !ith a o?tail one claps another's breech to cajole him. ;e gi"e our souls to keep to the theologues, !ho or the greater part are heretics. 'ur bodies !e commit to the physicians, !ho ne"er themsel"es take any physic. *nd then !e entrust our goods to the la!yers, !ho ne"er go to la! against one another. #ou speak like a courtier, >uoth Pantagruel. But the irst point o your assertion is to be deniedE or !e daily see ho! good theologues make it their chie business, their !hole and sole employment, by their deeds, their !ords, and !ritings, to e?tirpate errors and heresies out o the hearts o men, and in their stead pro oundly plant the true and li"ely aith. The second point you spoke o 5 commendE or, !hereas the pro essors o the art o medicine gi"e so good order to the prophylactic, or conser"ati"e part o their aculty, in !hat concerneth their proper healths, that they stand in no need o making use o the other branch, !hich is the curati"e or therapeutic, by medicaments. *s or the third, 5 grant it to be true, or learned ad"ocates and counsellors at la! are so much taken up !ith the a airs o others in their consultations, pleadings, and such$like patrocinations o those !ho are their clients, that they ha"e no leisure to attend any contro"ersies o their o!n. There ore, on the ne?t ensuing +unday, let the di"ine be our godly Father (ippothadee, the physician our honest <aster Rondibilis, and our legist our riend Bridlegoose. 9or !ill it be @to my thinkingD amiss, that !e enter into the Pythagoric ield, and choose or an assistant to the three a ore$named doctors our ancient aith ul ac>uaintance, the philosopher TrouilloganE

especially seeing a per ect philosopher, such as is Trouillogan, is able positi"ely to resol"e all !hatsoe"er doubts you can propose. Carpalin, ha"e you a care to ha"e them here all our on +unday ne?t at dinner, !ithout ail. 5 belie"e, >uoth 1pistemon, that throughout the !hole country, in all the corners thereo , you could not ha"e pitched upon such other our. ;hich 5 speak not so much in regard o the most e?cellent >uali ications and accomplishments !here!ith all o them are endo!ed or the respecti"e discharge and management o each his o!n "ocation and calling @!herein !ithout all doubt or contro"ersy they are the paragons o the land, and surpass all othersD, as or that Rondibilis is married no!, !ho be ore !as not,$$(ippothadee !as not be ore, nor is yet,$$Bridlegoose !as married once, but is not no!,$$and Trouillogan is married no!, !ho !edded !as to another !i e be ore. +ir, i it may stand !ith your good liking, 5 !ill ease Carpalin o some parcel o his labour, and in"ite Bridlegoose mysel , !ith !hom 5 o a long time ha"e had a "ery intimate amiliarity, and unto !hom 5 am to speak on the behal o a pretty hope ul youth !ho no! studieth at Toulouse, under the most learned "irtuous doctor Boissonet. )o !hat you deem most e?pedient, >uoth Pantagruel, and tell me i my recommendation can in anything be steadable or the promo"al o the good o that youth, or other!ise ser"e or bettering o the dignity and o ice o the !orthy Boissonet, !hom 5 do so lo"e and respect or one o the ablest and most su icient in his !ay that any!here are e?tant. +ir, 5 !ill use therein my best endea"ours, and heartily bestir mysel about it.

Chapter C.III. (o! the theologue, (ippothadee, gi"eth counsel to Panurge in the matter and business o his nuptial enterprise. The dinner on the subse>uent +unday !as no sooner made ready than that the a ore$named in"ited guests ga"e thereto their appearance, all o them, Bridlegoose only e?cepted, !ho !as the deputy$go"ernor o Fonsbeton. *t the ushering in o the second ser"ice Panurge, making a lo! re"erence, spake thus& Gentlemen, the >uestion 5 am to propound unto you shall be uttered in "ery e! !ords$$+hould 5 marry or noK 5 my doubt herein be not resol"ed by you, 5 shall hold it altogether insol"able, as are the 5nsolubilia de *liacoE or all o you are elected, chosen, and culled out rom amongst others, e"eryone in his o!n condition and >uality, like so many picked peas on a carpet. The Father (ippothadee, in obedience to the bidding o Pantagruel, and !ith much courtesy to the company, ans!ered e?ceeding modestly a ter this manner& <y riend, you are pleased to ask counsel o usE but irst you must consult !ith yoursel . )o you ind any trouble or dis>uiet in your body by the importunate stings and pricklings o the leshK That 5 do, >uoth Panurge, in a hugely strong and almost irresistible measure. Be not o ended, 5 beseech you, good ather, at the reedom o my e?pression. 9o truly, riend, not 5, >uoth (ippothadee, there is no reason !hy 5 should be displeased there!ith. But in this carnal stri e and debate o yours ha"e you obtained rom God the gi t and special grace o continencyK 5n good aith, not, >uoth Panurge. <y counsel to you in that case, my riend, is that you marry, >uoth (ippothadeeE or you should rather choose to marry once than to burn still in ires o concupiscence. Then Panurge, !ith a

jo"ial heart and a loud "oice, cried out, That is spoke gallantly, !ithout circumbili"aginating about and about, and ne"er hitting it in its centred point. Gramercy, my good atherL 5n truth 5 am resol"ed no! to marry, and !ithout ail 5 shall do it >uickly. 5 in"ite you to my !edding. By the body o a hen, !e shall make good cheer, and be as merry as crickets. #ou shall !ear the bridegroom's colours, and, i !e eat a goose, my !i e shall not roast it or me. 5 !ill entreat you to lead up the irst dance o the bridesmaids, i it may please you to do me so much a"our and honour. There resteth yet a small di iculty, a little scruple, yea, e"en less than nothing, !hereo 5 humbly cra"e your resolution. +hall 5 be a cuckold, ather, yea or noK By no means, ans!ered (ippothadee, !ill you be cuckolded, i it please God. ' the %ord help us no!, >uoth PanurgeE !hither are !e dri"en to, good olksK To the conditionals, !hich, according to the rules and precepts o the dialectic aculty, admit o all contradictions and impossibilities. 5 my Transalpine mule had !ings, my Transalpine mule !ould ly, i it please God, 5 shall not be a cuckoldE but 5 shall be a cuckold, i it please him. Good God, i this !ere a condition !hich 5 kne! ho! to pre"ent, my hopes should be as high as e"er, nor !ould 5 despair. But you here send me to God's pri"y council, to the closet o his little pleasures. #ou, my French countrymen, !hich is the !ay you take to go thitherK <y honest ather, 5 belie"e it !ill be your best not to come to my !edding. The clutter and dingle$dangle noise o marriage guests !ill but disturb you, and break the serious ancies o your brain. #ou lo"e repose, !ith solitude and silenceE 5 really belie"e you !ill not come. *nd then you dance but indi erently, and !ould be out o countenance at the irst entry. 5 !ill send you some good things to your chamber, together !ith the bride's a"our, and there you may drink our health, i it may stand !ith your good liking. <y riend, >uoth (ippothadee, take my !ords in the sense !herein 5 meant them, and do not misinterpret me. ;hen 5 tell you,$$5 it please God,$$do 5 to you any !rong thereinK 5s it an ill e?pressionK 5s it a blaspheming clause or reser"e any !ay scandalous unto the !orldK )o not !e thereby honour the %ord God *lmighty, Creator, Protector, and Conser"er o all thingsK 5s not that a mean !hereby !e do ackno!ledge him to be the sole gi"er o all !hatsoe"er is goodK )o not !e in that mani est our aith that !e belie"e all things to depend upon his in inite and incomprehensible bounty, and that !ithout him nothing can be produced, nor a ter its production be o any "alue, orce, or po!er, !ithout the concurring aid and a"our o his assisting graceK 5s it not a canonical and authentic e?ception, !orthy to be premised to all our undertakingsK 5s it not e?pedient that !hat !e propose unto oursel"es be still re erred to !hat shall be disposed o by the sacred !ill o God, unto !hich all things must ac>uiesce in the hea"ens as !ell as on the earthK 5s not that "erily a sancti ying o his holy nameK <y riend, you shall not be a cuckold, i it please God, nor shall !e need to despair o the kno!ledge o his good !ill and pleasure herein, as i it !ere such an abstruse and mysteriously hidden secret that or the clear understanding thereo it !ere necessary to consult !ith those o his celestial pri"y council, or e?pressly make a "oyage unto the empyrean chamber !here order is gi"en or the e ectuating o his most holy pleasures. The great God hath done us this good, that he hath declared and re"ealed them to us openly and plainly, and described them in the (oly Bible. There !ill you ind that you shall ne"er be a cuckold, that is to say, your !i e shall ne"er be a strumpet, i you make choice o one o a commendable e?traction, descended o honest parents, and instructed in all piety and "irtue$$such a one as hath not at any time haunted or re>uented the company or con"ersation o those that are o

corrupt and depra"ed manners, one lo"ing and earing God, !ho taketh a singular delight in dra!ing near to him by aith and the cordial obser"ing o his sacred commandments$$and inally, one !ho, standing in a!e o the )i"ine <ajesty o the <ost (igh, !ill be loth to o end him and lose the a"ourable kindness o his grace through any de ect o aith or transgression against the ordinances o his holy la!, !herein adultery is most rigorously orbidden and a close adherence to her husband alone most strictly and se"erely enjoinedE yea, in such sort that she is to cherish, ser"e, and lo"e him abo"e anything, ne?t to God, that meriteth to be belo"ed. 5n the interim, or the better schooling o her in these instructions, and that the !holesome doctrine o a matrimonial duty may take the deeper root in her mind, you must needs carry yoursel so on your part, and your beha"iour is to be such, that you are to go be ore her in a good e?ample, by entertaining her un eignedly !ith a conjugal amity, by continually appro"ing yoursel in all your !ords and actions a aith ul and discreet husbandE and by li"ing, not only at home and pri"ately !ith your o!n household and amily, but in the ace also o all men and open "ie! o the !orld, de"outly, "irtuously, and chastely, as you !ould ha"e her on her side to deport and to demean hersel to!ards you, as becomes a godly, loyal, and respect ul !i e, !ho maketh conscience to keep in"iolable the tie o a matrimonial oath. For as that looking$glass is not the best !hich is most decked !ith gold and precious stones, but that !hich representeth to the eye the li"eliest shapes o objects set be ore it, e"en so that !i e should not be most esteemed !ho richest is and o the noblest race, but she !ho, earing God, con orms hersel nearest unto the humour o her husband. Consider ho! the moon doth not borro! her light rom 7upiter, <ars, <ercury, or any other o the planets, nor yet rom any o those splendid stars !hich are set in the spangled irmament, but rom her husband only, the bright sun, !hich she recei"eth rom him more or less, according to the manner o his aspect and "ariously besto!ed eradiations. 7ust so should you be a pattern to your !i e in "irtue, goodly Heal, and true de"otion, that by your radiance in darting on her the aspect o an e?emplary goodness, she, in your imitation, may outshine the luminaries o all other !omen. To this e ect you daily must implore God's grace to the protection o you both. #ou !ould ha"e me then, >uoth Panurge, t!isting the !hiskers o his beard on either side !ith the thumb and ore inger o his le t hand, to espouse and take to !i e the prudent rugal !oman described by +olomon. ;ithout all doubt she is dead, and truly to my best remembrance 5 ne"er sa! herE the %ord orgi"e meL 9e"ertheless, 5 thank you, ather. 1at this slice o marchpane, it !ill help your digestionE then shall you be presented !ith a cup o claret hippocras, !hich is right health ul and stomachal. %et us proceed.

Chapter C.III5. (o! the physician Rondibilis counselleth Panurge. Panurge, continuing his discourse, said, The irst !ord !hich !as spoken by him !ho gelded the lubberly, >ua ing monks o +aussiniac, a ter that he had unstoned Friar Cauldaureil, !as this, To the rest. 5n like manner, 5 say, To the rest. There ore 5 beseech you, my good <aster Rondibilis, should 5 marry or notK By the raking pace o my mule, >uoth Rondibilis, 5 kno! not !hat ans!er to make to this problem o yours.

#ou say that you eel in you the pricking stings o sensuality, by !hich you are stirred up to "enery. 5 ind in our aculty o medicine, and !e ha"e ounded our opinion therein upon the deliberate resolution and inal decision o the ancient Platonics, that carnal concupiscence is cooled and >uelled i"e se"eral !ays. First, By the means o !ine. 5 shall easily belie"e that, >uoth Friar 7ohn, or !hen 5 am !ell !hittled !ith the juice o the grape 5 care or nothing else, so 5 may sleep. ;hen 5 say, >uoth Rondibilis, that !ine abateth lust, my meaning is, !ine immoderately takenE or by intemperancy proceeding rom the e?cessi"e drinking o strong li>uor there is brought upon the body o such a s!ill$do!n booHer a chillness in the blood, a slackening in the sine!s, a dissipation o the generati"e seed, a numbness and hebetation o the senses, !ith a per"ersi"e !ryness and con"ulsion o the muscles$$all !hich are great lets and impediments to the act o generation. (ence it is that Bacchus, the god o bibbers, tipplers, and drunkards, is most commonly painted beardless and clad in a !oman's habit, as a person altogether e eminate, or like a libbed eunuch. ;ine, ne"ertheless, taken moderately, !orketh >uite contrary e ects, as is implied by the old pro"erb, !hich saith that =enus takes cold !hen not accompanied !ith Ceres and Bacchus. This opinion is o great anti>uity, as appeareth by the testimony o )iodorus the +icilian, and con irmed by Pausanias, and uni"ersally held amongst the %ampsacians, that )on Priapus !as the son o Bacchus and =enus. +econdly, The er"ency o lust is abated by certain drugs, plants, herbs, and roots, !hich make the taker cold, male iciated, un it or, and unable to per orm the act o generationE as hath been o ten e?perimented in the !ater$lily, heraclea, agnus castus, !illo!$t!igs, hemp$stalks, !oodbine, honeysuckle, tamarisk, chaste tree, mandrake, bennet, keckbugloss, the skin o a hippopotam, and many other such, !hich, by con"enient doses proportioned to the peccant humour and constitution o the patient, being duly and seasonably recei"ed !ithin the body$$!hat by their elementary "irtues on the one side and peculiar properties on the other$$do either benumb, morti y, and beclumpse !ith cold the proli ic semence, or scatter and disperse the spirits !hich ought to ha"e gone along !ith and conducted the sperm to the places destined and appointed or its reception, or lastly, shut up, stop, and obstruct the !ays, passages, and conduits through !hich the seed should ha"e been e?pelled, e"acuated, and ejected. ;e ha"e ne"ertheless o those ingredients !hich, being o a contrary operation, heat the blood, bend the ner"es, unite the spirits, >uicken the senses, strengthen the muscles, and thereby rouse up, pro"oke, e?cite, and enable a man to the "igorous accomplishment o the eat o amorous dalliance. 5 ha"e no need o those, >uoth Panurge, God be thanked, and you, my good master. (o!soe"er, 5 pray you, take no e?ception or o ence at these my !ordsE or !hat 5 ha"e said !as not out o any ill!ill 5 did bear to you, the %ord he kno!s. Thirdly, The ardour o lechery is "ery much subdued and mated by re>uent labour and continual toiling. For by pain ul e?ercises and laborious !orking so great a dissolution is brought upon the !hole body, that the blood, !hich runneth alongst the channels o the "eins thereo or the nourishment and alimentation o each o its members, hath neither time, leisure, nor po!er to a ord the seminal resudation, or super luity o the third concoction, !hich nature most care ully reser"es or the conser"ation o the indi"idual, !hose preser"ation she more heed ully regardeth than the propagating o the species and the multiplication o humankind. ;hence it

is that )iana is said to be chaste, because she is ne"er idle, but al!ays busied about her hunting. For the same reason !as a camp or leaguer o old called castrum, as i they !ould ha"e said castumE because the soldiers, !restlers, runners, thro!ers o the bar, and other such$like athletic champions as are usually seen in a military circum"allation, do incessantly tra"ail and turmoil, and are in a perpetual stir and agitation. To this purpose (ippocrates also !riteth in his book, )e *ere, *>ua et %ocis, that in his time there !ere people in +cythia as impotent as eunuchs in the discharge o a "enerean e?ploit, because that !ithout any cessation, pause, or respite they !ere ne"er rom o horseback, or other!ise assiduously employed in some troublesome and molesting drudgery. 'n the other part, in opposition and repugnancy hereto, the philosophers say that idleness is the mother o lu?ury. ;hen it !as asked '"id, ;hy *egisthus became an adultererK he made no other ans!er but this, Because he !as idle. ;ho !ere able to rid the !orld o loitering and laHiness might easily rustrate and disappoint Cupid o all his designs, aims, engines, and de"ices, and so disable and appal him that his bo!, >ui"er, and darts should rom thence orth be a mere needless load and burden to him, or that it could not then lie in his po!er to strike or !ound any o either se? !ith all the arms he had. (e is not, 5 belie"e, so e?pert an archer as that he can hit the cranes lying in the air, or yet the young stags skipping through the thickets, as the Parthians kne! !ell ho! to doE that is to say, people moiling, stirring and hurrying up and do!n, restless, and !ithout repose. (e must ha"e those hushed, still, >uiet, lying at a stay, lither, and ull o ease, !hom he is able, though his mother help him, to touch, much less to pierce !ith all his arro!s. 5n con irmation hereo , Theophrastus, being asked on a time !hat kind o beast or thing he judged a toyish, !anton lo"e to beK he made ans!er, that it !as a passion o idle and sluggish spirits. From !hich pretty description o tickling lo"e$tricks that o )iogenes's hatching !as not "ery discrepant, !hen he de ined lechery the occupation o olks destitute o all other occupation. For this cause the +yconian engra"er Canachus, being desirous to gi"e us to understand that sloth, dro!siness, negligence, and laHiness !ere the prime guardians and go"ernesses o ribaldry, made the statue o =enus, not standing, as other stone$cutters had used to do, but sitting. Fourthly, The tickling pricks o incontinency are blunted by an eager studyE or rom thence proceedeth an incredible resolution o the spirits, that o tentimes there do not remain so many behind as may su ice to push and thrust or!ards the generati"e resudation to the places thereto appropriated, and there!ithal in late the ca"ernous ner"e !hose o ice is to ejaculate the moisture or the propagation o human progeny. %est you should think it is not so, be pleased but to contemplate a little the orm, ashion, and carriage o a man e?ceeding earnestly set upon some learned meditation, and deeply plunged therein, and you shall see ho! all the arteries o his brains are stretched orth and bent like the string o a crossbo!, the more promptly, de?terously, and copiously to suppeditate, urnish, and supply him !ith store o spirits su icient to replenish and ill up the "entricles, seats, tunnels, mansions, receptacles, and cellules o the common sense,$$o the imagination, apprehension, and ancy,$$o the ratiocination, arguing, and resolution,$$as like!ise o the memory, recordation, and remembranceE and !ith great alacrity, nimbleness, and agility to run, pass, and course rom the one to the other, through those pipes, !indings, and conduits !hich to skil ul anatomists are percei"able at the end o the !onder ul net !here all the arteries close in a terminating pointE !hich arteries, taking their rise and origin rom the

le t capsule o the heart, bring through se"eral circuits, ambages, and an ractuosities, the "ital, to subtiliHe and re ine them to the ethereal purity o animal spirits. 9ay, in such a studiously musing person you may espy so e?tra"agant raptures o one as it !ere out o himsel , that all his natural aculties or that time !ill seem to be suspended rom each their proper charge and o ice, and his e?terior senses to be at a stand. 5n a !ord, you cannot other!ise choose than think that he is by an e?traordinary ecstasy >uite transported out o !hat he !as, or should beE and that +ocrates did not speak improperly !hen he said that philosophy !as nothing else but a meditation upon death. This possibly is the reason !hy )emocritus depri"ed himsel o the sense o seeing, priHing at a much lo!er rate the loss o his sight than the diminution o his contemplations, !hich he re>uently had ound disturbed by the "agrant, lying$out strayings o his unsettled and ro"ing eyes. There ore is it that Pallas, the goddess o !isdom, tutoress and guardianess o such as are diligently studious and pain ully industrious, is, and hath been still accounted a "irgin. The <uses upon the same consideration are esteemed perpetual maidsE and the Graces, or the like reason, ha"e been held to continue in a sempiternal pudicity. 5 remember to ha"e read that Cupid, on a time being asked o his mother =enus !hy he did not assault and set upon the <uses, his ans!er !as that he ound them so air, so s!eet, so ine, so neat, so !ise, so learned, so modest, so discreet, so courteous, so "irtuous, and so continually busied and employed,$$one in the speculation o the stars,$$another in the supputation o numbers,$$the third in the dimension o geometrical >uantities,$$the ourth in the composition o heroic poems,$$the i th in the jo"ial interludes o a comic strain,$$the si?th in the stately gra"ity o a tragic "ein,$$the se"enth in the melodious disposition o musical airs,$$the eighth in the completest manner o !riting histories and books on all sorts o subjects,$$and the ninth in the mysteries, secrets, and curiosities o all sciences, aculties, disciplines, and arts !hatsoe"er, !hether liberal or mechanic,$$that approaching near unto them he unbended his bo!, shut his >ui"er, and e?tinguished his torch, through mere shame and ear that by mischance he might do them some hurt or prejudice. ;hich done, he therea ter put o the illet !here!ith his eyes !ere bound to look them in the ace, and to hear their melody and poetic odes. There took he the greatest pleasure in the !orld, that many times he !as transported !ith their beauty and pretty beha"iour, and charmed asleep by the harmonyE so ar !as he rom assaulting them or interrupting their studies. 8nder this article may be comprised !hat (ippocrates !rote in the a ore$cited treatise concerning the +cythiansE as also that in a book o his entitled ' Breeding and Production, !here he hath a irmed all such men to be un it or generation as ha"e their parotid arteries cut$$!hose situation is beside the ears$$ or the reason gi"en already !hen 5 !as speaking o the resolution o the spirits and o that spiritual blood !hereo the arteries are the sole and proper receptacles, and that like!ise he doth maintain a large portion o the parastatic li>uor to issue and descend rom the brains and backbone. Fi thly, By the too re>uent reiteration o the act o "enery. There did 5 !ait or you, >uoth Panurge, and shall !illingly apply it to mysel , !hilst anyone that pleaseth may, or me, make use o any o the our preceding. That is the "ery same thing, >uoth Friar 7ohn, !hich Father +cyllino, Prior o +aint =ictor at <arseilles, calleth by the name o maceration and taming o the lesh. 5 am o the same opinion,$$and so !as the hermit o +aint Radegonde, a little abo"e ChinonE or, >uoth he, the hermits o Thebaide

can no more aptly or e?pediently macerate and bring do!n the pride o their bodies, daunt and morti y their lecherous sensuality, or depress and o"ercome the stubbornness and rebellion o the lesh, than by du ling and an reluching it i"e$and$t!enty or thirty times a day. 5 see Panurge, >uoth Rondibilis, neatly eatured and proportioned in all the members o his body, o a good temperament in his humours, !ell$comple?ioned in his spirits, o a competent age, in an opportune time, and o a reasonably or!ard mind to be married. Truly, i he encounter !ith a !i e o the like nature, temperament, and constitution, he may beget upon her children !orthy o some transpontine monarchyE and the sooner he marry it !ill be the better or him, and the more conducible or his pro it i he !ould see and ha"e his children in his o!n time !ell pro"ided or. +ir, my !orthy master, >uoth Panurge, 5 !ill do it, do not you doubt thereo , and that >uickly enough, 5 !arrant you. 9e"ertheless, !hilst you !ere busied in the uttering o your learned discourse, this lea !hich 5 ha"e in mine ear hath tickled me more than e"er. 5 retain you in the number o my esti"al guests, and promise you that !e shall not !ant or mirth and good cheer enough, yea, o"er and abo"e the ordinary rate. *nd, i it may please you, desire your !i e to come along !ith you, together !ith her she$ riends and neighbours$$that is to be understood$$and there shall be air play.

Chapter C.III55. (o! Rondibilis declareth cuckoldry to be naturally one o the appendances o marriage. There remaineth as yet, >uoth Panurge, going on in his discourse, one small scruple to be cleared. #ou ha"e seen hereto ore, 5 doubt not, in the Roman standards, +.P.J.R., +i, Peu, Jue, Rien. +hall not 5 be a cuckoldK By the ha"en o sa ety, cried out Rondibilis, !hat is this you ask o meK 5 you shall be a cuckoldK <y noble riend, 5 am married, and you are like to be so "ery speedilyE there ore be pleased, rom my e?periment in the matter, to !rite in your brain !ith a steel pen this subse>uent ditton, There is no married man !ho doth not run the haHard o being made a cuckold. Cuckoldry naturally attendeth marriage. The shado! doth not more naturally ollo! the body, than cuckoldry ensueth a ter marriage to place air horns upon the husbands' heads. *nd !hen you shall happen to hear any man pronounce these three !ords, (e is marriedE i you then say he is, hath been, shall be, or may be a cuckold, you !ill not be accounted an unskil ul artist in raming o true conse>uences. Tripes and bo!els o all the de"ils, cries Panurge, !hat do you tell meK <y dear riend, ans!ered Rondibilis, as (ippocrates on a time !as in the "ery nick o setting or!ards rom %ango to Polystilo to "isit the philosopher )emocritus, he !rote a amiliar letter to his riend )ionysius, !herein he desired him that he !ould, during the inter"al o his absence, carry his !i e to the house o her ather and mother, !ho !ere an honourable couple and o good reputeE because 5 !ould not ha"e her at my home, said he, to make abode in solitude. #et, not!ithstanding this her residence beside her parents, do not ail, >uoth he, !ith a most heed ul care and circumspection to pry into her !ays, and to espy !hat places she shall go to !ith her mother, and !ho those be that shall repair unto her. 9ot, >uoth he, that 5 do mistrust her "irtue, or that 5 seem to ha"e any di idence o her pudicity and chaste beha"iour,$$ or o that 5 ha"e re>uently had good and real proo s,$$but 5 must reely tell you, +he is a

!oman. There lies the suspicion. <y !orthy riend, the nature o !omen is set orth be ore our eyes and represented to us by the moon, in di"ers other things as !ell as in this, that they s>uat, skulk, constrain their o!n inclinations, and, !ith all the cunning they can, dissemble and play the hypocrite in the sight and presence o their husbandsE !ho come no sooner to be out o the !ay, but that orth!ith they take their ad"antage, pass the time merrily, desist rom all labour, rolic it, gad abroad, lay aside their counter eit garb, and openly declare and mani est the interior o their dispositions, e"en as the moon, !hen she is in conjunction !ith the sun, is neither seen in the hea"ens nor on the earth, but in her opposition, !hen remotest rom him, shineth in her greatest ulness, and !holly appeareth in her brightest splendour !hilst it is night. Thus !omen are but !omen. ;hen 5 say !omankind, 5 speak o a se? so rail, so "ariable, so changeable, so ickle, inconstant, and imper ect, that in my opinion 9ature, under a"our, ne"ertheless, o the prime honour and re"erence !hich is due unto her, did in a manner mistake the road !hich she had traced ormerly, and stray e?ceedingly rom that e?cellence o pro"idential judgment by the !hich she had created and ormed all other things, !hen she built, ramed, and made up the !oman. *nd ha"ing thought upon it a hundred and i"e times, 5 kno! not !hat else to determine therein, sa"e only that in the de"ising, hammering, orging, and composing o the !oman she hath had a much tenderer regard, and by a great deal more respect ul heed to the delight ul consortship and sociable delectation o the man, than to the per ection and accomplishment o the indi"idual !omanishness or muliebrity. The di"ine philosopher Plato !as doubt ul in !hat rank o li"ing creatures to place and collocate them, !hether amongst the rational animals, by ele"ating them to an upper seat in the speci ical classis o humanity, or !ith the irrational, by degrading them to a lo!er bench on the opposite side, o a brutal kind, and mere bestiality. For nature hath posited in a pri"y, secret, and intestine place o their bodies, a sort o member, by some not impertinently termed an animal, !hich is not to be ound in men. Therein sometimes are engendered certain humours so saltish, brackish, clammy, sharp, nipping, tearing, prickling, and most eagerly tickling, that by their stinging acrimony, rending nitrosity, igging itch, !riggling mordicancy, and smarting salsitude @ or the said member is altogether sine!y and o a most >uick and li"ely eelingD, their !hole body is shaken and ebrangled, their senses totally ra"ished and transported, the operations o their judgment and understanding utterly con ounded, and all disordinate passions and perturbations o the mind thoroughly and absolutely allo!ed, admitted, and appro"ed o E yea, in such sort that i nature had not been so a"ourable unto them as to ha"e sprinkled their orehead !ith a little tincture o bash ulness and modesty, you should see them in a so rantic mood run mad a ter lechery, and hie apace up and do!n !ith haste and lust, in >uest o and to i? some chamber$standard in their Paphian ground, that ne"er did the Proetides, <imallonides, nor %yaean Thyades deport themsel"es in the time o their bacchanalian esti"als more shamelessly, or !ith a so a ronted and braHen$ aced impudencyE because this terrible animal is knit unto, and hath an union !ith all the chie and most principal parts o the body, as to anatomists is e"ident. %et it not here be thought strange that 5 should call it an animal, seeing therein 5 do no other!ise than ollo! and adhere to the doctrine o the academic and peripatetic philosophers. For i a proper motion be a certain mark and in allible token o the li e and animation o the mo"er, as *ristotle !riteth, and that any such thing as mo"eth o itsel ought to be held

animated and o a li"ing nature, then assuredly Plato !ith "ery good reason did gi"e it the denomination o an animal, or that he percei"ed and obser"ed in it the proper and sel $stirring motions o su ocation, precipitation, corrugation, and o indignation so e?tremely "iolent, that o tentimes by them is taken and remo"ed rom the !oman all other sense and mo"ing !hatsoe"er, as i she !ere in a s!ounding lipothymy, benumbing syncope, epileptic, apoplectic palsy, and true resemblance o a pale$ aced death. Furthermore, in the said member there is a mani est discerning aculty o scents and odours "ery perceptible to !omen, !ho eel it ly rom !hat is rank and unsa"oury, and ollo! ragrant and aromatic smells. 5t is not unkno!n to me ho! Cl. Galen stri"eth !ith might and main to pro"e that these are not proper and particular notions proceeding intrinsically rom the thing itsel , but accidentally and by chance. 9or hath it escaped my notice ho! others o that sect ha"e laboured hardly, yea, to the utmost o their abilities, to demonstrate that it is not a sensiti"e discerning or perception in it o the di erence o !a ts and smells, but merely a "arious manner o "irtue and e icacy passing orth and lo!ing rom the di"ersity o odori erous substances applied near unto it. 9e"ertheless, i you !ill studiously e?amine and seriously ponder and !eigh in Critolaus's balance the strength o their reasons and arguments, you shall ind that they, not only in this, but in se"eral other matters also o the like nature, ha"e spoken at random, and rather out o an ambitious en"y to check and reprehend their betters than or any design to make in>uiry into the solid truth. 5 !ill not launch my little ski any urther into the !ide ocean o this dispute, only !ill 5 tell you that the praise and commendation is not mean and slender !hich is due to those honest and good !omen !ho, li"ing chastely and !ithout blame, ha"e had the po!er and "irtue to curb, range, and subdue that unbridled, heady, and !ild animal to an obedient, submissi"e, and obse>uious yielding unto reason. There ore here !ill 5 make an end o my discourse thereon, !hen 5 shall ha"e told you that the said animal being once satiated$$i it be possible that it can be contented or satis ied$$by that aliment !hich nature hath pro"ided or it out o the epididymal storehouse o man, all its ormer and irregular and disordered motions are at an end, laid, and assuaged, all its "ehement and unruly longings lulled, paci ied, and >uieted, and all the urious and raging lusts, appetites, and desires thereo appeased, calmed, and e?tinguished. For this cause let it seem nothing strange unto you i !e be in a perpetual danger o being cuckolds, that is to say, such o us as ha"e not !here!ithal ully to satis y the appetite and e?pectation o that "oracious animal. 'dds ishL >uoth Panurge, ha"e you no pre"enti"e cure in all your medicinal art or hindering one's head to be horny$gra ed at home !hilst his eet are plodding abroadK #es, that 5 ha"e, my gallant riend, ans!ered Rondibilis, and that !hich is a so"ereign remedy, !hereo 5 re>uently make use mysel E and, that you may the better relish, it is set do!n and !ritten in the book o a most amous author, !hose reno!n is o a standing o t!o thousand years. (earken and take good heed. #ou are, >uoth Panurge, by cockshobby, a right honest man, and 5 lo"e you !ith all my heart. 1at a little o this >uince$pieE it is "ery proper and con"enient or the shutting up o the ori ice o the "entricle o the stomach, because o a kind o astringent stypticity !hich is in that sort o ruit, and is help ul to the irst concoction. But !hatK 5 think 5 speak %atin be ore clerks. +tay till 5 gi"e you some!hat to drink out o this 9estorian goblet. ;ill you ha"e another draught o !hite hippocrasK

Be not a raid o the s>uinHy, no. There is neither s>uinant, ginger, nor grains in itE only a little choice cinnamon, and some o the best re ined sugar, !ith the delicious !hite !ine o the gro!th o that "ine !hich !as set in the slips o the great sorbapple abo"e the !alnut$tree.

Chapter C.III555. Rondibilis the physician's cure o cuckoldry. *t that time, >uoth Rondibilis, !hen 7upiter took a "ie! o the state o his 'lympic house and amily, and that he had made the calendar o all the gods and goddesses, appointing unto the esti"al o e"ery one o them its proper day and season, establishing certain i?ed places and stations or the pronouncing o oracles and relie o tra"elling pilgrims, and ordaining "ictims, immolations, and sacri ices suitable and correspondent to the dignity and nature o the !orshipped and adored deity$$)id not he do, asked Panurge, therein as Tintouille, the Bishop o *u?erre, is said once to ha"e doneK This noble prelate lo"ed entirely the pure li>uor o the grape, as e"ery honest and judicious man dothE there ore !as it that he had an especial care and regard to the bud o the "ine$tree as to the great$grand ather o Bacchus. But so it is, that or sundry years together he sa! a most piti ul ha"oc, desolation, and destruction made amongst the sprouts, shootings, buds, blossoms, and scions o the "ines by hoary rost, dank ogs, hot mists, unseasonable colds, chill blasts, thick hail, and other calamitous chances o oul !eather, happening, as he thought, by the dismal inauspiciousness o the holy days o +t. George, +t. <ary, +t. Paul, +t. 1utrope, (oly Rood, the *scension, and other esti"als, in that time !hen the sun passeth under the sign o TaurusE and thereupon harboured in his mind this opinion, that the a ore$named saints !ere +aint (ail$ lingers, +aint Frost$senders, +aint Fog$mongers, and +aint +poilers o the =ine$buds. For !hich cause he !ent about to ha"e transmitted their easts rom the spring to the !inter, to be celebrated bet!een Christmas and 1piphany, so the mother o the three kings called it, allo!ing them !ith all honour and re"erence the liberty then to reeHe, hail, and rain as much as they !ouldE or that he kne! that at such a time rost !as rather pro itable than hurt ul to the "ine$buds, and in their steads to ha"e placed the esti"als o +t. Christopher, +t. 7ohn the Baptist, +t. <agdalene, +t. *nne, +t. )omingo, and +t. %a!renceE yea, and to ha"e gone so ar as to collocate and transpose the middle o *ugust in and to the beginning o <ay, because during the !hole space o their solemnity there !as so little danger o hoary rosts and cold mists, that no arti icers are then held in greater re>uest than the a orders o re rigerating in"entions, makers o junkets, it disposers o cooling shades, composers o green arbours, and re reshers o !ine. 7upiter, said Rondibilis, orgot the poor de"il Cuckoldry, !ho !as then in the court at Paris "ery eagerly soliciting a peddling suit at la! or one o his "assals and tenants. ;ithin some e! days therea ter, 5 ha"e orgot ho! many, !hen he got ull notice o the trick !hich in his absence !as done unto him, he instantly desisted rom prosecuting legal processes in the behal o others, ull o solicitude to pursue a ter his o!n business, lest he should be oreclosed, and thereupon he appeared personally at the tribunal o the great 7upiter, displayed be ore him the importance o his preceding merits, together !ith the acceptable ser"ices !hich in obedience to his commandments he had ormerly per ormedE and there ore in all

humility begged o him that he !ould be pleased not to lea"e him alone amongst all the sacred potentates, destitute and "oid o honour, re"erence, sacri ices, and esti"al ceremonies. To this petition 7upiter's ans!er !as e?cusatory, that all the places and o ices o his house !ere besto!ed. 9e"ertheless, so importuned !as he by the continual supplications o <onsieur Cuckoldry, that he, in ine, placed him in the rank, list, roll, rubric, and catalogue, and appointed honours, sacri ices, and esti"al rites to be obser"ed on earth in great de"otion, and tendered to him !ith solemnity. The east, because there !as no "oid, empty, nor "acant place in all the calendar, !as to be celebrated jointly !ith, and on the same day that had been consecrated to the goddess 7ealousy. (is po!er and dominion should be o"er married olks, especially such as had handsome !i"es. (is sacri ices !ere to be suspicion, di idence, mistrust, a lo!ering pouting sullenness, !atchings, !ardings, researchings, plyings, e?plorations, together !ith the !aylayings, ambushes, narro! obser"ations, and malicious doggings o the husband's scouts and espials o the most pri"y actions o their !i"es. (ere!ithal e"ery married man !as e?pressly and rigorously commanded to re"erence, honour, and !orship him, to celebrate and solemniHe his esti"al !ith t!ice more respect than that o any other saint or deity, and to immolate unto him !ith all sincerity and alacrity o heart the abo"e$mentioned sacri ices and oblations, under pain o se"ere censures, threatenings, and comminations o these subse>uent ines, mulcts, amerciaments, penalties, and punishments to be in licted on the delin>uents& that <onsieur Cuckoldry should ne"er be a"ourable nor propitious to themE that he should ne"er help, aid, supply, succour, nor grant them any sub"entitious urtherance, au?iliary su rage, or adminiculary assistanceE that he should ne"er hold them in any reckoning, account, or estimationE that he should ne"er deign to enter !ithin their houses, neither at the doors, !indo!s, nor any other place thereo E that he should ne"er haunt nor re>uent their companies or con"ersations, ho! re>uently soe"er they should in"ocate him and call upon his nameE and that not only he should lea"e and abandon them to rot alone !ith their !i"es in a sempiternal solitariness, !ithout the bene it o the di"ersion o any copes$mate or corri"al at all, but should !ithal shun and esche! them, ly rom them, and eternally orsake and reject them as impious heretics and sacrilegious persons, according to the accustomed manner o other gods to!ards such as are too slack in o ering up the duties and re"erences !hich ought to be per ormed respecti"ely to their di"inities$$as is e"idently apparent in Bacchus to!ards negligent "ine$dressersE in Ceres, against idle ploughmen and tillers o the groundE in Pomona, to un!orthy ruiterers and costard$mongersE in 9eptune, to!ards dissolute mariners and sea aring men, in =ulcan, to!ards loitering smiths and orgemenE and so throughout the rest. 9o!, on the contrary, this in allible promise !as added, that unto all those !ho should make a holy day o the abo"e$recited esti"al, and cease rom all manner o !orldly !ork and negotiation, lay aside all their o!n most important occasions, and to be so retchless, heedless, and careless o !hat might concern the management o their proper a airs as to mind nothing else but a suspicious espying and prying into the secret deportments o their !i"es, and ho! to coop, shut up, hold at under, and deal cruelly and austerely !ith them by all the harshness and hardships that an implacable and e"ery !ay ine?orable jealousy can de"ise and suggest, con orm to the sacred ordinances o the a ore$mentioned sacri ices and oblations, he should be continually a"ourable to them, should lo"e them, sociably con"erse !ith them, should be day and night in their houses, and ne"er lea"e them destitute o his presence. 9o! 5 ha"e said, and you ha"e heard my cure.

(a, ha, haL >uoth Carpalin, laughingE this is a remedy yet more apt and proper than (ans Car"el's ring. The de"il take me i 5 do not belie"e itL The humour, inclination, and nature o !omen is like the thunder, !hose orce in its bolt or other!ise burneth, bruiseth, and breaketh only hard, massi"e, and resisting objects, !ithout staying or stopping at so t, empty, and yielding matters. For it pasheth into pieces the steel s!ord !ithout doing any hurt to the "el"et scabbard !hich ensheatheth it. 5t chrusheth also and consumeth the bones !ithout !ounding or endamaging the lesh !here!ith they are "eiled and co"ered. 7ust so it is that !omen or the greater part ne"er bend the contention, subtlety, and contradictory disposition o their spirits unless it be to do !hat is prohibited and orbidden. =erily, >uoth (ippothadee, some o our doctors a"er or a truth that the irst !oman o the !orld, !hom the (ebre!s call 1"e, had hardly been induced or allured into the temptation o eating o the ruit o the Tree o %i e i it had not been orbidden her so to do. *nd that you may gi"e the more credit to the "alidity o this opinion, consider ho! the cautelous and !ily tempter did commemorate unto her, or an antecedent to his enthymeme, the prohibition !hich !as made to taste it, as being desirous to in er rom thence, 5t is orbidden theeE there ore thou shouldst eat o it, else thou canst not be a !oman.

Chapter C.III5=. (o! !omen ordinarily ha"e the greatest longing a ter things prohibited. ;hen 5 !as, >uoth Carpalin, a !horemaster at 'rleans, the !hole art o rhetoric, in all its tropes and igures, !as not able to a ord unto me a colour or lourish o greater orce and "alue, nor could 5 by any other orm or manner o elocution pitch upon a more persuasi"e argument or bringing young beauti ul married ladies into the snares o adultery, through alluring and enticing them to taste !ith me o amorous delights, than !ith a li"ely spright ulness to tell them in do!nright terms, and to remonstrate to them !ith a great sho! o detestation o a crime so horrid, ho! their husbands !ere jealous. This !as none o my in"ention. 5t is !ritten, and !e ha"e la!s, e?amples, reasons, and daily e?periences con irmati"e o the same. 5 this belie once enter into their noddles, their husbands !ill in allibly be cuckoldsE yea, by God, !ill they, !ithout s!earing, although they should do like +emiramis, Pasiphae, 1gesta, the !omen o the 5sle <andeH in 1gypt, and other such$like >ueanish lirting harlots mentioned in the !ritings o (erodotus, +trabo, and such$like puppies. Truly, >uoth Ponocrates, 5 ha"e heard it related, and it hath been told me or a "erity, that Pope 7ohn II55., passing on a day through the *bbey o Toucherome, !as in all humility re>uired and besought by the abbess and other discreet mothers o the said con"ent to grant them an indulgence by means !hereo they might con ess themsel"es to one another, alleging that religious !omen !ere subject to some petty secret slips and imper ections !hich !ould be a oul and burning shame or them to disco"er and to re"eal to men, ho! sacerdotal soe"er their unctions !ereE but that they !ould reelier, more amiliarly, and !ith greater cheer ulness, open to each other their o ences, aults, and escapes under the seal o con ession. There is not anything, ans!ered the pope, itting or you to impetrate o

me !hich 5 !ould not most !illingly condescend untoE but 5 ind one incon"enience. #ou kno! con ession should be kept secret, and !omen are not able to do so. 1?ceeding !ell, >uoth they, most holy ather, and much more closely than the best o men. The said pope on the "ery same day ga"e them in keeping a pretty bo?, !herein he purposely caused a little linnet to be put, !illing them "ery gently and courteously to lock it up in some sure and hidden place, and promising them, by the aith o a pope, that he should yield to their re>uest i they !ould keep secret !hat !as enclosed !ithin that deposited bo?, enjoining them !ithal not to presume one !ay nor other, directly or indirectly, to go about the opening thereo , under pain o the highest ecclesiastical censure, eternal e?communication. The prohibition !as no sooner made but that they did all o them boil !ith a most ardent desire to kno! and see !hat kind o thing it !as that !as !ithin it. They thought long already that the pope !as not gone, to the end they might jointly, !ith the more leisure and ease, apply themsel"es to the bo?$opening curiosity. The holy ather, a ter he had gi"en them his benediction, retired and !ithdre! himsel to the ponti ical lodgings o his o!n palace. But he !as hardly gone three steps rom !ithout the gates o their cloister !hen the good ladies throngingly, and as in a huddled cro!d, pressing hard on the backs o one another, ran thrusting and sho"ing !ho should be irst at the setting open o the orbidden bo? and descrying o the >uod latitat !ithin. 'n the "ery ne?t day therea ter the pope made them another "isit, o a ull design, purpose, and intention, as they imagined, to despatch the grant o their sought and !ished$ or indulgence. But be ore he !ould enter into any chat or communing !ith them, he commanded the casket to be brought unto him. 5t !as done so accordinglyE but, by your lea"e, the bird !as no more there. Then !as it that the pope did represent to their maternities ho! hard a matter and di icult it !as or them to keep secrets re"ealed to them in con ession unmani ested to the ears o others, seeing or the space o our$and$t!enty hours they !ere not able to lay up in secret a bo? !hich he had highly recommended to their discretion, charge, and custody. ;elcome, in good aith, my dear master, !elcomeL 5t did me good to hear you talk, the %ord be praised or allL 5 do not remember to ha"e seen you be ore no!, since the last time that you acted at <ontpellier !ith our ancient riends, *nthony +aporra, Guy Bourguyer, Balthasar 9oyer, Tolet, 7ohn Juentin, Francis Robinet, 7ohn Perdrier, and Francis Rabelais, the moral comedy o him !ho had espoused and married a dumb !i e. 5 !as there, >uoth 1pistemon. The good honest man her husband !as "ery earnestly urgent to ha"e the illet o her tongue untied, and !ould needs ha"e her speak by any means. *t his desire some pains !ere taken on her, and partly by the industry o the physician, other part by the e?pertness o the surgeon, the encyliglotte !hich she had under her tongue being cut, she spoke and spoke againE yea, !ithin a e! hours she spoke so loud, so much, so iercely, and so long, that her poor husband returned to the same physician or a recipe to make her hold her peace. There are, >uoth the physician, many proper remedies in our art to make dumb !omen speak, but there are none that e"er 5 could learn therein to make them silent. The only cure !hich 5 ha"e ound out is their husband's dea ness. The !retch became !ithin e! !eeks therea ter, by "irtue o some drugs, charms, or enchantments !hich the physician had prescribed unto him, so dea that he could not ha"e heard the thundering o nineteen hundred cannons at a sal"o. (is !i e percei"ing

that indeed he !as as dea as a door$nail, and that her scolding !as but in "ain, sith that he heard her not, she gre! stark mad. +ome time a ter the doctor asked or his ee o the husband, !ho ans!ered that truly he !as dea , and so !as not able to understand !hat the tenour o his demand might be. ;hereupon the leech bedusted him !ith a little, 5 kno! not !hat, sort o po!der, !hich rendered him a ool immediately, so great !as the stulti icating "irtue o that strange kind o pul"eriHed dose. Then did this ool o a husband and his mad !i e join together, and, alling on the doctor and the surgeon, did so scratch, beth!ack, and bang them that they !ere le t hal dead upon the place, so urious !ere the blo!s !hich they recei"ed. 5 ne"er in my li etime laughed so much as at the acting o that bu oonery. %et us come to !here !e le t o , >uoth Panurge. #our !ords, being translated rom the clapper$dudgeons to plain 1nglish, do signi y that it is not "ery ine?pedient that 5 marry, and that 5 should not care or being a cuckold. #ou ha"e there hit the nail on the head. 5 belie"e, master doctor, that on the day o my marriage you !ill be so much taken up !ith your patients, or other!ise so seriously employed, that !e shall not enjoy your company. +ir, 5 !ill heartily e?cuse your absence. +tercus et urina medici sunt prandia prima. 1? aliis paleas, e? istis collige grana. #ou are mistaken, >uoth Rondibilis, in the second "erse o our distich, or it ought to run thus$$ 9obis sunt signa, "obis sunt prandia digna. 5 my !i e at any time pro"e to be un!ell and ill at ease, 5 !ill look upon the !ater !hich she shall ha"e made in an urinal glass, >uoth Rondibilis, grope her pulse, and see the disposition o her hypogaster, together !ith her umbilicary parts$$according to the prescript rule o (ippocrates, -. *ph. CB$$be ore 5 proceed any urther in the cure o her distemper. 9o, no, >uoth Panurge, that !ill be but to little purpose. +uch a eat is or the practice o us that are la!yers, !ho ha"e the rubric, )e "entre inspiciendo. )o not there ore trouble yoursel about it, master doctorE 5 !ill pro"ide or her a plaster o !arm guts. )o not neglect your more urgent occasions other!here or coming to my !edding. 5 !ill send you some supply o "ictuals to your o!n house, !ithout putting you to the trouble o coming abroad, and you shall al!ays be my special riend. ;ith this, approaching some!hat nearer to him, he clapped into his hand, !ithout the speaking o so much as one !ord, our rose nobles. Rondibilis did shut his ist upon them right kindlyE yet, as i it had displeased him to make acceptance o such golden presents, he in a start, as i he had been !roth, said, (e he, he, he, heL there !as no need o anythingE 5 thank you ne"ertheless. From !icked olks 5 ne"er get enough, and 5 rom honest people re use nothing. 5 shall be al!ays, sir, at your command. Pro"ided that 5 pay you !ell, >uoth Panurge. That, >uoth Rondibilis, is understood.

Chapter C.III=. (o! the philosopher Trouillogan handleth the di iculty o marriage.

*s this discourse !as ended, Pantagruel said to the philosopher Trouillogan, 'ur loyal, honest, true, and trusty riend, the lamp rom hand to hand is come to you. 5t alleth to your turn to gi"e an ans!er& +hould Panurge, pray you, marry, yea or noK (e should do both, >uoth Trouillogan. ;hat say youK asked Panurge. That !hich you ha"e heard, ans!ered Trouillogan. ;hat ha"e 5 heardK replied Panurge. That !hich 5 ha"e said, replied Trouillogan. (a, ha, haL are !e come to that passK >uoth Panurge. %et it go ne"ertheless, 5 do not "alue it at a rush, seeing !e can make no better o the game. But ho!soe"er tell me, +hould 5 marry or noK 9either the one nor the other, ans!ered Trouillogan. The de"il take me, >uoth Panurge, i these odd ans!ers do not make me dote, and may he snatch me presently a!ay i 5 do understand you. +tay a!hile until 5 asten these spectacles o mine on this le t ear, that 5 may hear you better. ;ith this Pantagruel percei"ed at the door o the great hall, !hich !as that day their dining$room, Gargantua's little dog, !hose name !as :yneE or so !as Toby's dog called, as is recorded. Then did he say to these !ho !ere there present, 'ur king is not ar o ,$$let us all rise. That !ord !as scarcely sooner uttered, than that Gargantua !ith his royal presence graced that ban>ueting and stately hall. 1ach o the guests arose to do their king that re"erence and duty !hich became them. * ter that Gargantua had most a ably saluted all the gentlemen there present, he said, Good riends, 5 beg this a"our o you, and therein you !ill "ery much oblige me, that you lea"e not the places !here you sate nor >uit the discourse you !ere upon. %et a chair be brought hither unto this end o the table, and reach me a cup ul o the strongest and best !ine you ha"e, that 5 may drink to all the company. #ou are, in aith, all !elcome, gentlemen. 9o! let me kno! !hat talk you !ere about. To this Pantagruel ans!ered that at the beginning o the second ser"ice Panurge had proposed a problematic theme, to !it, !hether he should marry, or not marryK that Father (ippothadee and )octor Rondibilis had already despatched their resolutions thereuponE and that, just as his majesty !as coming in, the aith ul Trouillogan in the deli"ery o his opinion hath thus ar proceeded, that !hen Panurge asked !hether he ought to marry, yea or noK at irst he made this ans!er, Both together. ;hen this same >uestion !as again propounded, his second ans!er !as, 9either the one nor the other. Panurge e?claimeth that those ans!ers are ull o repugnancies and contradictions, protesting that he understands them not, nor !hat it is that can be meant by them. 5 5 be not mistaken, >uoth Gargantua, 5 understand it "ery !ell. The ans!er is not unlike to that !hich !as once made by a philosopher in ancient times, !ho being interrogated i he had a !oman !hom they named him to his !i eK 5 ha"e her, >uoth he, but she hath not me,$$possessing her, by her 5 am not possessed. +uch another ans!er, >uoth Pantagruel, !as once made by a certain bouncing !ench o +parta, !ho being asked i at any time she had had to do !ith a manK 9o, >uoth she, but sometimes men ha"e had to do !ith me. ;ell then, >uoth Rondibilis, let it be a neuter in physic, as !hen !e say a body is neuter, !hen it is neither sick nor health ul, and a mean in philosophyE that, by an abnegation o both e?tremes, and this by the participation o the one and o the other. 1"en as !hen luke!arm !ater is said to be both hot and coldE or rather, as !hen time makes the partition, and e>ually di"ides bet!i?t the t!o, a !hile in the one, another !hile as long in the other opposite e?tremity. The holy *postle, >uoth (ippothadee, seemeth, as 5 concei"e, to ha"e more clearly e?plained this point !hen he said, Those that are married, let them be as i they !ere not marriedE and those that ha"e !i"es, let them be as i they had no !i"es at all. 5 thus interpret, >uoth Pantagruel, the ha"ing and not ha"ing o a !i e. To ha"e a !i e is to ha"e the use o her

in such a !ay as nature hath ordained, !hich is or the aid, society, and solace o man, and propagating o his race. To ha"e no !i e is not to be u?orious, play the co!ard, and be laHy about her, and not or her sake to distain the lustre o that a ection !hich man o!es to God, or yet or her to lea"e those o ices and duties !hich he o!es unto his country, unto his riends and kindred, or or her to abandon and orsake his precious studies, and other businesses o account, to !ait still on her !ill, her beck, and her buttocks. 5 !e be pleased in this sense to take ha"ing and not ha"ing o a !i e, !e shall indeed ind no repugnancy nor contradiction in the terms at all.

Chapter C.III=5. * continuation o the ans!er o the 1phectic and Pyrrhonian philosopher Trouillogan. #ou speak !isely, >uoth Panurge, i the moon !ere green cheese. +uch a tale once pissed my goose. 5 do not think but that 5 am let do!n into that dark pit in the lo!ermost bottom !hereo the truth !as hid, according to the saying o (eraclitus. 5 see no !hit at all, 5 hear nothing, understand as little, my senses are altogether dulled and bluntedE truly 5 do "ery shre!dly suspect that 5 am enchanted. 5 !ill no! alter the ormer style o my discourse, and talk to him in another strain. 'ur trusty riend, stir not, nor imburse anyE but let us "ary the chance, and speak !ithout disjuncti"es. 5 see already that these loose and ill$joined members o an enunciation do "e?, trouble, and perple? you. 9o! go on, in the name o GodL +hould 5 marryK Trouillogan. There is some likelihood therein. Panurge. But i 5 do not marryK Trouil. 5 see in that no incon"enience. Pan. #ou do notK Trouil. 9one, truly, i my eyes decei"e me not. Pan. #ea, but 5 ind more than i"e hundred. Trouil. Reckon them. Pan. This is an impropriety o speech, 5 con essE or 5 do no more thereby but take a certain or an uncertain number, and posit the determinate term or !hat is indeterminate. ;hen 5 say, there ore, i"e hundred, my meaning is many. Trouil. 5 hear you. Pan. 5s it possible or me to li"e !ithout a !i e, in the name o all the subterranean de"ilsK Trouil. *!ay !ith these ilthy beasts.

Pan. %et it be, then, in the name o GodE or my +almigondinish people use to say, To lie alone, !ithout a !i e, is certainly a brutish li e. *nd such a li e also !as it asse"ered to be by )ido in her lamentations. Trouil. *t your command. Pan. By the pody cody, 5 ha"e ished airE !here are !e no!K But !ill you tell meK +hall 5 marryK Trouil. Perhaps. Pan. +hall 5 thri"e or speed !ell !ithalK Trouil. *ccording to the encounter. Pan. But i in my ad"enture 5 encounter aright, as 5 hope 5 !ill, shall 5 be ortunateK Trouil. 1nough. Pan. %et us turn the clean contrary !ay, and brush our ormer !ords against the !ool& !hat i 5 encounter illK Trouil. Then blame not me. Pan. But, o courtesy, be pleased to gi"e me some ad"ice. 5 heartily beseech you, !hat must 5 doK Trouil. 1"en !hat thou !ilt. Pan. ;ishy, !ashyE trolly, trolly. Trouil. )o not in"ocate the name o anything, 5 pray you. Pan. 5n the name o God, let it be soL <y actions shall be regulated by the rule and s>uare o your counsel. ;hat is it that you ad"ise and counsel me to doK Trouil. 9othing. Pan. +hall 5 marryK Trouil. 5 ha"e no hand in it. Pan. Then shall 5 not marryK Trouil. 5 cannot help it. Pan. 5 5 ne"er marry, 5 shall ne"er be a cuckold. Trouil. 5 thought so. Pan. But put the case that 5 be married. Trouil. ;here shall !e put itK Pan. *dmit it be so, then, and take my meaning in that sense.

Trouil. 5 am other!ise employed. Pan. By the death o a hog, and mother o a toad, ' %ordL i 5 durst haHard upon a little ling at the s!earing game, though pri"ily and under thumb, it !ould lighten the burden o my heart and ease my lights and reins e?ceedingly. * little patience ne"ertheless is re>uisite. ;ell then, i 5 marry, 5 shall be a cuckold. Trouil. 'ne !ould say so. Pan. #et i my !i e pro"e a "irtuous, !ise, discreet, and chaste !oman, 5 shall ne"er be cuckolded. Trouil. 5 think you speak congruously. Pan. (earken. Trouil. *s much as you !ill. Pan. ;ill she be discreet and chasteK This is the only point 5 !ould be resol"ed in. Trouil. 5 >uestion it. Pan. #ou ne"er sa! herK Trouil. 9ot that 5 kno! o . Pan. ;hy do you then doubt o that !hich you kno! notK Trouil. For a cause. Pan. *nd i you should kno! her. Trouil. #et more. Pan. Page, my pretty little darling, take here my cap,$$5 gi"e it thee. (a"e a care you do not break the spectacles that are in it. Go do!n to the lo!er court. +!ear there hal an hour or me, and 5 shall in compensation o that a"our s!ear herea ter or thee as much as thou !ilt. But !ho shall cuckold meK Trouil. +omebody. Pan. By the belly o the !ooden horse at Troy, <aster +omebody, 5 shall bang, belam thee, and cla! thee !ell or thy labour. Trouil. #ou say so. Pan. 9ay, nay, that 9ick in the dark cellar, !ho hath no !hite in his eye, carry me >uite a!ay !ith him i , in that case, !hensoe"er 5 go abroad rom the palace o my domestic residence, 5 do not, !ith as much circumspection as they use to ring mares in our country to keep them rom being sallied by stoned horses, clap a Bergamasco lock upon my !i e. Trouil. Talk better.

Pan. 5t is bien chien, chie chante, !ell cacked and cackled, shitten, and sung in matter o talk. %et us resol"e on some!hat. Trouil. 5 do not gainsay it. Pan. (a"e a little patience. +eeing 5 cannot on this side dra! any blood o you, 5 !ill try i !ith the lancet o my judgment 5 be able to bleed you in another "ein. *re you married, or are you notK Trouil. 9either the one nor the other, and both together. Pan. ' the good God help usL By the death o a bu le$o?, 5 s!eat !ith the toil and tra"ail that 5 am put to, and ind my digestion broke o , disturbed, and interrupted, or all my phrenes, metaphrenes, and diaphragms, back, belly, midri , muscles, "eins, and sine!s are held in a suspense and or a !hile discharged rom their proper o ices to stretch orth their se"eral po!ers and abilities or incorni istibulating and laying up into the hamper o my understanding your "arious sayings and ans!ers. Trouil. 5 shall be no hinderer thereo . Pan. Tush, or shameL 'ur aith ul riend, speakE are you marriedK Trouil. 5 think so. Pan. #ou !ere also married be ore you had this !i eK Trouil. 5t is possible. Pan. (ad you good luck in your irst marriageK Trouil. 5t is not impossible. Pan. (o! thri"e you !ith this second !i e o yoursK Trouil. 1"en as it pleaseth my atal destiny. Pan. But !hat, in good earnestK Tell me$$do you prosper !ell !ith herK Trouil. 5t is likely. Pan. Come on, in the name o God. 5 "o!, by the burden o +aint Christopher, that 5 had rather undertake the etching o a art orth o the belly o a dead ass than to dra! out o you a positi"e and determinate resolution. #et shall 5 be sure at this time to ha"e a snatch at you, and get my cla!s o"er you. 'ur trusty riend, let us shame the de"il o hell, and con ess the "erity. ;ere you e"er a cuckoldK 5 say, you !ho are here, and not that other you !ho playeth belo! in the tennis$courtK Trouil. 9o, i it !as not predestinated. Pan. By the lesh, blood, and body, 5 s!ear, res!ear, ors!ear, abjure, and renounce, he e"ades and a"oids, shi ts, and escapes me, and >uite slips and !inds himsel out o my grips and clutches.

*t these !ords Gargantua arose and said, Praised be the good God in all things, but especially or bringing the !orld into that height o re inedness beyond !hat it !as !hen 5 irst came to be ac>uainted there!ith, that no! the learnedst and most prudent philosophers are not ashamed to be seen entering in at the porches and rontispieces o the schools o the Pyrrhonian, *porrhetic, +ceptic, and 1phectic sects. Blessed be the holy name o GodL =eritably, it is like hence orth to be ound an enterprise o much more easy undertaking to catch lions by the neck, horses by the main, o?en by the horns, bulls by the muHHle, !ol"es by the tail, goats by the beard, and lying birds by the eet, than to entrap such philosophers in their !ords. Fare!ell, my !orthy, dear, and honest riends. ;hen he had done thus speaking, he !ithdre! himsel rom the company. Pantagruel and others !ith him !ould ha"e ollo!ed and accompanied him, but he !ould not permit them so to do. 9o sooner !as Gargantua departed out o the ban>ueting$hall than that Pantagruel said to the in"ited guests& Plato's Timaeus, at the beginning al!ays o a solemn esti"al con"ention, !as !ont to count those that !ere called thereto. ;e, on the contrary, shall at the closure and end o this treatment reckon up our number. 'ne, t!o, threeE !here is the ourthK 5 miss my riend Bridlegoose. ;as not he sent orK 1pistemon ans!ered that he had been at his house to bid and in"ite him, but could not meet !ith himE or that a messenger rom the parliament o <irlingois, in <irlingues, !as come to him !ith a !rit o summons to cite and !arn him personally to appear be ore the re"erend senators o the high court there, to "indicate and justi y himsel at the bar o the crime o pre"arication laid to his charge, and to be peremptorily instanced against him in a certain decree, judgment, or sentence lately a!arded, gi"en, and pronounced by himE and that, there ore, he had taken horse and departed in great haste rom his o!n house, to the end that !ithout peril or danger o alling into a de ault or contumacy he might be the better able to keep the pre i?ed and appointed time. 5 !ill, >uoth Pantagruel, understand ho! that matter goeth. 5t is no! abo"e orty years that he hath been constantly the judge o Fonsbeton, during !hich space o time he hath gi"en our thousand de initi"e sentences, o t!o thousand three hundred and nine !hereo , although appeal !as made by the parties !hom he had judicially condemned rom his in erior judicatory to the supreme court o the parliament o <irlingois, in <irlingues, they !ere all o them ne"ertheless con irmed, rati ied, and appro"ed o by an order, decree, and inal sentence o the said so"ereign court, to the casting o the appellants, and utter o"erthro! o the suits !herein they had been oiled at la!, or e"er and a day. That no! in his old age he should be personally summoned, !ho in all the oregoing time o his li e hath demeaned himsel so unblamably in the discharge o the o ice and "ocation he had been called unto, it cannot assuredly be that such a change hath happened !ithout some notorious mis ortune and disaster. 5 am resol"ed to help and assist him in e>uity and justice to the uttermost e?tent o my po!er and ability. 5 kno! the malice, despite, and !ickedness o the !orld to be so much more no!adays e?asperated, increased, and aggra"ated by !hat it !as not long since, that the best cause that is, ho! just and e>uitable soe"er it be, standeth in great need to be succoured, aided, and supported. There ore presently, rom this "ery instant orth, do 5 purpose, till 5 see the e"ent and closure thereo , most heed ully to attend and !ait upon it, or ear o some underhand tricky surprisal, ca"illing petti oggery, or allacious >uirks in la!, to his detriment, hurt, or disad"antage.

Then dinner being done, and the tables dra!n and remo"ed, !hen Pantagruel had "ery cordially and a ectionately thanked his in"ited guests or the a"our !hich he had enjoyed o their company, he presented them !ith se"eral rich and costly gi ts, such as je!els, rings set !ith precious stones, gold and sil"er "essels, !ith a great deal o other sort o plate besides, and lastly, taking o them all his lea"e, retired himsel into an inner chamber.

Chapter C.III=55. (o! Pantagruel persuaded Panurge to take counsel o a ool. ;hen Pantagruel had !ithdra!n himsel , he, by a little sloping !indo! in one o the galleries, percei"ed Panurge in a lobby not ar rom thence, !alking alone, !ith the gesture, carriage, and garb o a ond dotard, ra"ing, !agging, and shaking his hands, dandling, lolling, and nodding !ith his head, like a co! bello!ing or her cal E and, ha"ing then called him nearer, spoke unto him thus& #ou are at this present, as 5 think, not unlike to a mouse entangled in a snare, !ho the more that she goeth about to rid and un!ind hersel out o the gin !herein she is caught, by endea"ouring to clear and deli"er her eet rom the pitch !hereto they stick, the oulier she is be!rayed !ith it, and the more strongly pestered therein. 1"en so is it !ith you. For the more that you labour, stri"e, and en orce yoursel to disencumber and e?tricate your thoughts out o the implicating in"olutions and etterings o the grie"ous and lamentable gins and springs o anguish and perple?ity, the greater di iculty there is in the relie"ing o you, and you remain aster bound than e"er. 9or do 5 kno! or the remo"al o this incon"eniency any remedy but one. Take heed, 5 ha"e o ten heard it said in a "ulgar pro"erb, The !ise may be instructed by a ool. +eeing the ans!ers and responses o sage and judicious men ha"e in no manner o !ay satis ied you, take ad"ice o some ool, and possibly by so doing you may come to get that counsel !hich !ill be agreeable to your o!n heart's desire and contentment. #ou kno! ho! by the ad"ice and counsel and prediction o ools, many kings, princes, states, and common!ealths ha"e been preser"ed, se"eral battles gained, and di"ers doubts o a most perple?ed intricacy resol"ed. 5 am not so di ident o your memory as to hold it need ul to re resh it !ith a >uotation o e?amples, nor do 5 so ar under"alue your judgment but that 5 think it !ill ac>uiesce in the reason o this my subse>uent discourse. *s he !ho narro!ly takes heed to !hat concerns the de?terous management o his pri"ate a airs, domestic businesses, and those adoes !hich are con ined !ithin the strait$laced compass o one amily, !ho is attenti"e, "igilant, and acti"e in the economic rule o his o!n house, !hose rugal spirit ne"er strays rom home, !ho loseth no occasion !hereby he may purchase to himsel more riches, and build up ne! heaps o treasure on his ormer !ealth, and !ho kno!s !arily ho! to pre"ent the incon"eniences o po"erty, is called a !orldly !ise man, though perhaps in the second judgment o the intelligences !hich are abo"e he be esteemed a ool,$$so, on the contrary, is he most like, e"en in the thoughts o all celestial spirits, to be not only sage, but to presage e"ents to come by di"ine inspiration, !ho laying >uite aside those cares !hich are conducible to his body or his ortunes, and, as it !ere, departing rom himsel , rids all his senses o terrene a ections, and clears his ancies o those plodding studies !hich harbour

in the minds o thri"ing men. *ll !hich neglects o sublunary things are "ulgarily imputed olly. * ter this manner, the son o Picus, :ing o the %atins, the great soothsayer Faunus, !as called Fatuus by the !itless rabble o the common people. The like !e daily see practised amongst the comic players, !hose dramatic roles, in distribution o the personages, appoint the acting o the ool to him !ho is the !isest o the troop. 5n approbation also o this ashion the mathematicians allo! the "ery same horoscope to princes and to sots. ;hereo a right pregnant instance by them is gi"en in the nati"ities o *eneas and ChoroebusE the latter o !hich t!o is by 1uphorion said to ha"e been a ool, and yet had !ith the ormer the same aspects and hea"enly genethliac in luences. 5 shall not, 5 suppose, s!er"e much rom the purpose in hand, i 5 relate unto you !hat 7ohn *ndre! said upon the return o a papal !rit, !hich !as directed to the mayor and burgesses o Rochelle, and a ter him by Panorme, upon the same ponti ical canonE Barbatias on the Pandects, and recently by 7ason in his Councils, concerning +eyny 7ohn, the noted ool o Paris, and Caillet's ore great$grand ather. The case is this. *t Paris, in the roastmeat cookery o the Petit Chastelet, be ore the cookshop o one o the roastmeat sellers o that lane, a certain hungry porter !as eating his bread, a ter he had by parcels kept it a !hile abo"e the reek and steam o a at goose on the spit, turning at a great ire, and ound it, so besmoked !ith the "apour, to be sa"ouryE !hich the cook obser"ing, took no notice, till a ter ha"ing ra"ined his penny loa , !hereo no morsel had been unsmoki ied, he !as about decamping and going a!ay. But, by your lea"e, as the ello! thought to ha"e departed thence shot$ ree, the master$cook laid hold upon him by the gorget, and demanded payment or the smoke o his roast meat. The porter ans!ered, that he had sustained no loss at allE that by !hat he had done there !as no diminution made o the leshE that he had taken nothing o his, and that there ore he !as not indebted to him in anything. *s or the smoke in >uestion, that, although he had not been there, it !ould ho!soe"er ha"e been e"aporatedE besides, that be ore that time it had ne"er been seen nor heard that roastmeat smoke !as sold upon the streets o Paris. The cook hereto replied, that he !as not obliged nor any !ay bound to eed and nourish or nought a porter !hom he had ne"er seen be ore !ith the smoke o his roast meat, and thereupon s!ore that i he !ould not orth!ith content and satis y him !ith present payment or the repast !hich he had thereby got, that he !ould take his crooked sta"es rom o his backE !hich, instead o ha"ing loads therea ter laid upon them, should ser"e or uel to his kitchen ires. ;hilst he !as going about so to do, and to ha"e pulled them to him by one o the bottom rungs !hich he had caught in his hand, the sturdy porter got out o his grip, dre! orth the knotty cudgel, and stood to his o!n de ence. The altercation !a?ed hot in !ords, !hich mo"ed the gaping hoidens o the sottish Parisians to run rom all parts thereabouts, to see !hat the issue !ould be o that babbling stri e and contention. 5n the interim o this dispute, to "ery good purpose +eyny 7ohn, the ool and citiHen o Paris, happened to be there, !hom the cook percei"ing, said to the porter, ;ilt thou re er and submit unto the noble +eyny 7ohn the decision o the di erence and contro"ersy !hich is bet!i?t usK #es, by the blood o a goose, ans!ered the porter, 5 am content. +eyny 7ohn the ool, inding that the cook and porter had compromised the determination o their "ariance and debate to the discretion o his a!ard and arbitrament, a ter that the reasons on either side !hereupon !as grounded the mutual ierceness o their bra!ling jar had been to the ull displayed and laid open be ore him, commanded the porter to dra! out o the ob o his belt a

piece o money, i he had it. ;hereupon the porter immediately !ithout delay, in re"erence to the authority o such a judicious umpire, put the tenth part o a sil"er Philip into his hand. This little Philip +eyny 7ohn tookE then set it on his le t shoulder, to try by eeling i it !as o a su icient !eight. * ter that, laying it on the palm o his hand, he made it ring and tingle, to understand by the ear i it !as o a good alloy in the metal !hereo it !as composed. Therea ter he put it to the ball or apple o his le t eye, to e?plore by the sight i it !as !ell stamped and markedE all !hich being done, in a pro ound silence o the !hole doltish people !ho !ere there spectators o this pageantry, to the great hope o the cook's and despair o the porter's pre"alency in the suit that !as in agitation, he inally caused the porter to make it sound se"eral times upon the stall o the cook's shop. Then !ith a presidential majesty holding his bauble sceptre$like in his hand, mu ling his head !ith a hood o marten skins, each side !hereo had the resemblance o an ape's ace spruci ied up !ith ears o pasted paper, and ha"ing about his neck a bucked ru , raised, urro!ed, and ridged !ith pointing sticks o the shape and ashion o small organ pipes, he irst !ith all the orce o his lungs coughed t!o or three times, and then !ith an audible "oice pronounced this ollo!ing sentence& The court declareth that the porter !ho ate his bread at the smoke o the roast, hath ci"illy paid the cook !ith the sound o his money. *nd the said court ordaineth that e"eryone return to his o!n home, and attend his proper business, !ithout cost and charges, and or a cause. This "erdict, a!ard, and arbitrament o the Parisian ool did appear so e>uitable, yea, so admirable to the a oresaid doctors, that they "ery much doubted i the matter had been brought be ore the sessions or justice o the said place, or that the judges o the Rota at Rome had been umpires therein, or yet that the *reopagites themsel"es had been the deciders thereo , i by any one part, or all o them together, it had been so judicially sententiated and a!arded. There ore ad"ise, i you !ill be counselled by a ool.

Chapter C.III=555. (o! Triboulet is set orth and blaHed by Pantagruel and Panurge. By my soul, >uoth Panurge, that o"erture pleaseth me e?ceedingly !ell. 5 !ill there ore lay hold thereon, and embrace it. *t the "ery motioning thereo my "ery right entrail seemeth to be !idened and enlarged, !hich !as but just no! hard$bound, contracted, and costi"e. But as !e ha"e hitherto made choice o the purest and most re ined cream o !isdom and sapience or our counsel, so !ould 5 no! ha"e to preside and bear the prime s!ay in our consultation as "ery a ool in the supreme degree. Triboulet, >uoth Pantagruel, is completely oolish, as 5 concei"e. #es, truly, ans!ered Panurge, he is properly and totally a ool, a Pantagruel. Panurge. Fatal . 7o"ial . 9atural . <ercurial . Celestial . %unatic . 1rratic . )ucal . 1ccentric . Common . *ethereal and 7unonian . %ordly . *rctic . Palatine . (eroic . Principal .

Genial . Pretorian . 5nconstant . 1lected . 1arthly . Courtly . +alacious and sporting . Primipilary . 7ocund and !anton . Triumphant . Pimpled . =ulgar . Freckled . )omestic . Bell$tinging . 1?emplary . %aughing and lecherous . Rare outlandish . 9imming and ilching . +atrapal . 8npressed . Ci"il . First broached . Popular . *ugustal . Familiar . Caesarine . 9otable . 5mperial . Fa"ouriHed . Royal . %atiniHed . Patriarchal . 'rdinary . 'riginal . Transcendent . %oyal . Rising . 1piscopal . Papal . )octoral . Consistorian . <onachal . Concla"ist . Fiscal . Bullist . 1?tra"agant . +ynodal . ;rithed . )oting and ra"ing . Canonical . +ingular and surpassing . +uch another . +pecial and e?celling . Graduated . <etaphysical . Commensal . +catical . Primolicentiated . Predicamental and categoric . Train$bearing . Predicable and enunciatory . +upererogating . )ecumane and superlati"e . Collateral . )uti ul and o icious . (aunch and side . 'ptical and perspecti"e . 9estling, ninny, and youngling . *lgoristic . Flitting, giddy, and unsteady . *lgebraical . Brancher, no"ice, and cockney . Cabalistical and <assoretical . (aggard, cross, and ro!ard . Talmudical . Gentle, mild, and tractable . *lgamaliHed . <ail$coated . Compendious . Pil ering and purloining . *bbre"iated . Tail$gro!n . (yperbolical . Grey peckled . *natomastical . Pleonasmical . *llegorical . Capital . Tropological . (air$brained . <icher pincrust . Cordial . (eteroclit . 5ntimate . +ummist . (epatic . *bridging . Cupshotten and s!illing . <orrish . +plenetic . %eaden$sealed . ;indy . <andatory . %egitimate . Compassionate . *Hymathal . Titulary . *lmicantariHed . Crouching, sho!king, ducking . Proportioned . Grim, stern, harsh, and !ay!ard . Chinni ied . ;ell$hung and timbered .

+!ollen and pu ed up . 5ll$cla!ed, pounced, and pa!ed . '"ercockri edlid and li ied . ;ell$stoned . Corallory . Crabbed and unpleasing . 1astern . ;inded and untainted . +ublime . :itchen haunting . Crimson . %o ty and stately . 5ngrained . +pitrack . City . *rchitra"e . Basely accoutred . Pedestal . <ast$headed . Tetragonal . <odal . Reno!ned . +econd notial . Rheumatic . Cheer ul and bu?om . Flaunting and braggadocio . +olemn . 1gregious . *nnual . (umourous and capricious . Festi"al . Rude, gross, and absurd . Recreati"e . %arge$measured . Boorish and counter eit . Babble . Pleasant . )o!n$right . Pri"ileged . Broad$listed . Rustical . )uncical$bearing . Proper and peculiar . +tale and o"er$!orn . 1"er ready . +aucy and s!aggering . )iapasonal . Full$bulked . Resolute . Gallant and "ainglorious . (ieroglyphical . Gorgeous and gaudy . *uthentic . Continual and intermitting . ;orthy . Rebasing and roundling . Precious . Prototypal and precedenting . Fanatic . Prating . Fantastical . Catechetic . +ymphatic . Cacodo?ical . Panic . <eridional . %imbecked and distilled . 9octurnal . Comportable . 'ccidental . ;retched and heartless . Tri ling . Fooded . *strological and igure$ linging . Thick and three old . Genethliac and horoscopal . )amasked . :na"ish . Fearney . 5diot . 8nlea"ened . Blockish . Baritonant . Beetle$headed . Pink and spot$po!dered . Grotes>ue . <usket$proo . 5mpertinent . Pedantic . Juarrelsome . +trouting . 8nmannerly . ;ood . Captious and sophistical . Greedy . +oritic . +enseless . Catholoproton . Godderlich . (oti and )ioti . 'bstinate . *lphos and Catati . Contradictory . Pedagogical . )a t . )runken . Pee"ish . Prodigal .

Rash . Plodding . Pantagruel. 5 there !as any reason !hy at Rome the Juirinal holiday o old !as called the Feast o Fools, 5 kno! not !hy !e may not or the like cause institute in France the Tribouletic Festi"als, to be celebrated and solemniHed o"er all the land. Panurge. 5 all ools carried cruppers. Pantagruel. 5 he !ere the god Fatuus o !hom !e ha"e already made mention, the husband o the goddess Fatua, his ather !ould be Good )ay, and his grandmother Good 1"en. Panurge. 5 all ools paced, albeit he be some!hat !ry$legged, he !ould o"erlay at least a athom at e"ery rake. %et us go to!ard him !ithout any urther lingering or delayE !e shall ha"e, no doubt, some ine resolution o him. 5 am ready to go, and long or the issue o our progress impatiently. 5 must needs, >uoth Pantagruel, according to my ormer resolution therein, be present at Bridlegoose's trial. 9e"ertheless, !hilst 5 shall be upon my journey to!ards <irelingues, !hich is on the other side o the ri"er o %oire, 5 !ill despatch Carpalin to bring along !ith him rom Blois the ool Triboulet. Then !as Carpalin instantly sent a!ay, and Pantagruel, at the same time attended by his domestics, Panurge, 1pistemon, Ponocrates, Friar 7ohn, Gymnast, RyHotomus, and others, marched or!ard on the high road to <irelingues.

Chapter C.III5I. (o! Pantagruel !as present at the trial o 7udge Bridlegoose, !ho decided causes and contro"ersies in la! by the chance and ortune o the dice. 'n the day ollo!ing, precisely at the hour appointed, Pantagruel came to <irelingues. *t his arri"al the presidents, senators, and counsellors prayed him to do them the honour to enter in !ith them, to hear the decision o all the causes, arguments, and reasons !hich Bridlegoose in his o!n de ence !ould produce, !hy he had pronounced a certain sentence against the subsidy$assessor, Toucheronde, !hich did not seem "ery e>uitable to that centum"iral court. Pantagruel "ery !illingly condescended to their desire, and accordingly entering in, ound Bridlegoose sitting !ithin the middle o the enclosure o the said court o justiceE !ho immediately upon the coming o Pantagruel, accompanied !ith the senatorian members o that !orship ul judicatory, arose, !ent to the bar, had his indictment read, and or all his reasons, de ences, and e?cuses, ans!ered nothing else but that he !as become old, and that his sight o late !as "ery much ailed, and become dimmer than it !as !ont to beE instancing there!ithal many miseries and calamities !hich old age bringeth along !ith it, and are concomitant to !rinkled eldersE !hich not. per *rchid. d. l???"i. c. tanta. By reason o !hich in irmity he !as not able so distinctly and clearly to discern the points and blots o the dice as ormerly he had been accustomed to doE !hence it might "ery !ell ha"e happened, said he, as old dim$sighted 5saac took 7acob or 1sau, that 5 a ter the same manner, at the decision o causes and contro"ersies in la!, should ha"e been mistaken in taking a >uatre or a cin>ue, or a trey or a deuce. This 5 beseech your !orships, >uoth he, to take into your serious consideration, and to ha"e the more

a"ourable opinion o my uprightness, not!ithstanding the pre"arication !hereo 5 am accused in the matter o Toucheronde's sentence, that at the time o that decree's pronouncing 5 only had made use o my small diceE and your !orships, said he, kno! "ery !ell ho! by the most authentic rules o the la! it is pro"ided that the imper ections o nature should ne"er be imputed unto any or crimes and transgressionsE as appeareth, . de re milit. l. >ui cum uno. . de reg. 7ur. l. ere. . de aedil. edict. per totum. . de term. mod. l. )i"us *drianus, resol"ed by %ud. Rom. in l. si "ero. . +ol. <atr. *nd !ho !ould o er to do other!ise, should not thereby accuse the man, but nature, and the all$seeing pro"idence o God, as is e"ident in l. <a?imum =itium, c. de lib. praeter. ;hat kind o dice, >uoth Trin>uamelle, grand$president o the said court, do you mean, my riend BridlegooseK The dice, >uoth Bridlegoose, o sentences at la!, decrees, and peremptory judgments, *lea 7udiciorum, !hereo is !ritten, Per )oct. -A. >u. -. cap. sort. l. nec emptio . de contrahend. empt. l. >uod debetur. . de pecul. et ibi Bartol., and !hich your !orships do, as !ell as 5, use, in this glorious so"ereign court o yours. +o do all other righteous judges in their decision o processes and inal determination o legal di erences, obser"ing that !hich hath been said thereo by ). (enri. Ferrandat, et not. gl. in c. in. de sortil. et l. sed cum ambo. . de jud. 8bi )octo. <ark, that chance and ortune are good, honest, pro itable, and necessary or ending o and putting a inal closure to dissensions and debates in suits at la!. The same hath more clearly been declared by Bald. Bartol. et *le?. c. communia de leg. l. +i duo. But ho! is it that you do these thingsK asked Trin>uamelle. 5 "ery brie ly, >uoth Bridlegoose, shall ans!er you, according to the doctrine and instructions o %eg. ampliorem para. in re utatoriis. c. de appel.E !hich is con orm to !hat is said in Gloss l. 3. . >uod met. causa. Gaudent bre"itate moderni. <y practice is therein the same !ith that o your other !orships, and as the custom o the judicatory re>uires, unto !hich our la! commandeth us to ha"e regard, and by the rule thereo still to direct and regulate our actions and proceduresE ut not. e?tra. de consuet. in c. e? literis et ibi innoc. For ha"ing !ell and e?actly seen, sur"eyed, o"erlooked, re"ie!ed, recogniHed, read, and read o"er again, turned and tossed o"er, seriously perused and e?amined the bills o complaint, accusations, impeachments, indictments, !arnings, citations, summonings, comparitions, appearances, mandates, commissions, delegations, instructions, in ormations, in>uests, preparatories, productions, e"idences, proo s, allegations, depositions, cross speeches, contradictions, supplications, re>uests, petitions, in>uiries, instruments o the deposition o !itnesses, rejoinders, replies, con irmations o ormer assertions, duplies, triplies, ans!ers to rejoinders, !ritings, deeds, reproaches, disabling o e?ceptions taken, grie"ances, sal"ation bills, re$e?amination o !itnesses, con ronting o them together, declarations, denunciations, libels, certi icates, royal missi"es, letters o appeal, letters o attorney, instruments o compulsion, delineatories, anticipatories, e"ocations, messages, dimissions, issues, e?ceptions, dilatory pleas, demurs, compositions, injunctions, relie s, reports, returns, con essions, ackno!ledgments, e?ploits, e?ecutions, and other such$like con ects and spiceries, both at the one and the other side, as a good judge ought to do, con orm to !hat hath been noted thereupon. +pec. de ordination. Paragr. C. et Tit. de ' i. omn. jud. paragr. in. et de rescriptis praesentat. parag. 3.$$5 posit on the end o a table in my closet all the pokes and bags o the de endant, and then allo! unto him the irst haHard o the dice, according to the usual manner o your other !orships. *nd it is mentioned, l. a"orabiliores. . de reg. jur. et in

cap. cum sunt eod. tit. lib. A, !hich saith, Juum sunt partium jura obscura, reo potius a"endum est >uam actori. That being done, 5 therea ter lay do!n upon the other end o the same table the bags and satchels o the plainti , as your other !orships are accustomed to do, "isum "isu, just o"er against one anotherE or 'pposita ju?ta se posita clarius elucescunt& ut not. in lib. 3. parag. =ideamus. . de his >ui sunt sui "el alieni juris, et in l. munerum. para. mi?ta . de mun. et hon. Then do 5 like!ise and semblably thro! the dice or him, and orth!ith li"re him his chance. But, >uoth Trin>uamelle, my riend, ho! come you to kno!, understand, and resol"e the obscurity o these "arious and seeming contrary passages in la!, !hich are laid claim to by the suitors and pleading partiesK 1"en just, >uoth Bridlegoose, a ter the ashion o your other !orshipsE to !it, !hen there are many bags on the one side and on the other, 5 then use my little small dice, a ter the customary manner o your other !orships, in obedience to the la!, +emper in stipulationibus . de reg. jur. *nd the la! "er@sDi ied "ersi ieth that, 1od. tit. +emper in obscuris >uod minimum est se>uimurE canoniHed in c. in obscuris. eod. tit. lib. A. 5 ha"e other large great dice, air and goodly ones, !hich 5 employ in the ashion that your other !orships use to do, !hen the matter is more plain, clear, and li>uid, that is to say, !hen there are e!er bags. But !hen you ha"e done all these ine things, >uoth Trin>uamelle, ho! do you, my riend, a!ard your decrees, and pronounce judgmentK 1"en as your other !orships, ans!ered BridlegooseE or 5 gi"e out sentence in his a"our unto !hom hath be allen the best chance by dice, judiciary, tribunian, pretorial, !hat comes irst. +o our la!s command, . >ui pot. in pign. l. creditor, c. de consul. 3. 1t de regul. jur. in A. Jui prior est tempore potior est jure.

Chapter C.I%. (o! Bridlegoose gi"eth reasons !hy he looked upon those la!$actions !hich he decided by the chance o the dice. #ea but, >uoth Trin>uamelle, my riend, seeing it is by the lot, chance, and thro! o the dice that you a!ard your judgments and sentences, !hy do not you li"re up these air thro!s and chances the "ery same day and hour, !ithout any urther procrastination or delay, that the contro"erting party$pleaders appear be ore youK To !hat use can those !ritings ser"e you, those papers and other procedures contained in the bags and pokes o the la!$suitorsK To the "ery same use, >uoth Bridlegoose, that they ser"e your other !orships. They are behoo"e ul unto me, and ser"e my turn in three things "ery e?>uisite, re>uisite, and authentical. First, or ormality sake, the omission !hereo , that it maketh all, !hate"er is done, to be o no orce nor "alue, is e?cellently !ell pro"ed, by +pec. 3. tit. de instr. edit. et tit. de rescript. praesent. Besides that, it is not unkno!n to you, !ho ha"e had many more e?periments thereo than 5, ho! o tentimes, in judicial proceedings, the ormalities utterly destroy the materialities and substances o the causes and matters agitatedE or Forma mutata, mutatur substantia. . ad e?hib. l. 7ulianus. . ad leg. Fal. l. si is >ui >uadraginta. 1t e?tra de decim. c. ad audientiam, et de celebrat. miss. c. in >uadam. +econdly, they are use ul and steadable to me, e"en as unto your other !orships, in lieu o some other honest and health ul e?ercise. The late <aster 'thoman =adet @=adereD, a prime physician, as you !ould say, Cod. de

Comit. et *rchi. lib. 3-, hath re>uently told me that the lack and de ault o bodily e?ercise is the chie , i not the sole and only cause o the little health and short li"es o all o icers o justice, such as your !orships and 5 am. ;hich obser"ation !as singularly !ell be ore him noted and remarked by Bartholus in lib. 3. c. de sent. >uae pro eo >uod. There ore it is that the practice o such$like e?ercitations is appointed to be laid hold on by your other !orships, and conse>uently not to be denied unto me, !ho am o the same pro essionE Juia accessorium naturam se>uitur principalis. de reg. jur. l. A. et l. cum principalis. et l. nihil dolo. . eod. tit. . de ide$juss. l. ide$juss. et e?tra de o icio deleg. cap. 3. %et certain honest and recreati"e sports and plays o corporeal e?ercises be allo!ed and appro"ed o E and so ar, @ . de allus. et aleat. l. solent. et authent.D ut omnes obed. in princ. coll. G. et . de praescript. "erb. l. si gratuitam et l. 3. cod. de spect. l. 33. +uch also is the opinion o ). Thom, in secunda, secundae J. 5. 3A,. Juoted in "ery good purpose by ). *lbert de Rosa, !ho uit magnus practicus, and a solemn doctor, as Barbatias attesteth in principiis consil. ;here ore the reason is e"idently and clearly deduced and set do!n be ore us in gloss. in prooemio. . par. ne autem tertii. 5nterpone tuis interdum gaudia curis. 5n "ery deed, once, in the year a thousand our hundred ourscore and ninth, ha"ing a business concerning the portion and inheritance o a younger brother depending in the court and chamber o the our high treasurers o France, !hereinto as soon as e"er 5 got lea"e to enter by a pecuniary permission o the usher thereo ,$$as your other !orships kno! "ery !ell, that Pecuniae obediunt omnia, and there says Baldus, in l. singularia. . si cert. pet. et +alic. in l. receptitia. Cod. de constit. pecuni. et Card. in Clem. 3. de baptism.$$5 ound them all recreating and di"erting themsel"es at the play called muss, either be ore or a ter dinnerE to me, truly, it is a thing altogether indi erent !hether o the t!o it !as, pro"ided that hic not., that the game o the muss is honest, health ul, ancient, and la! ul, a <uscho in"entore, de >uo cod. de petit. haered. l. si post mortem. et <uscarii. +uch as play and sport it at the muss are e?cusable in and by la!, lib. 3. c. de e?cus. arti ic. lib. 3.. *nd at the "ery same time !as <aster Tielman Pic>uet one o the players o that game o muss. There is nothing that 5 do better remember, or he laughed heartily !hen his ello!$members o the a oresaid judicial chamber spoiled their caps in s!ingeing o his shoulders. (e, ne"ertheless, did e"en then say unto them, that the banging and lapping o him, to the !aste and ha"oc o their caps, should not, at their return rom the palace to their o!n houses, e?cuse them rom their !i"es, Per. c. e?tra. de praesumpt. et ibi gloss. 9o!, resolutorie lo>uendo, 5 should say, according to the style and phrase o your other !orships, that there is no e?ercise, sport, game, play, nor recreation in all this palatine, palatial, or parliamentary !orld, more aromatiHing and ragrant than to empty and "oid bags and purses, turn o"er papers and !ritings, >uote margins and backs o scrolls and rolls, ill panniers, and take inspection o causes, 1?. Bart. et 7oan. de Pra. in l. alsa. de condit. et demonst. . Thirdly, 5 consider, as your o!n !orships use to do, that time ripeneth and bringeth all things to maturity, that by time e"erything cometh to be made mani est and patent, and that time is the ather o truth and "irtue. Gloss. in l. 3. cod. de ser"it. authent. de restit. et ea >uae pa. et spec. tit. de re>uisit. cons. There ore is it that, a ter the manner and ashion o your other !orships, 5 de er, protract, delay, prolong, intermit,

surcease, pause, linger, suspend, prorogate, dri"e out, !ire$dra!, and shi t o the time o gi"ing a de initi"e sentence, to the end that the suit or process, being !ell anned and !inno!ed, tossed and can"assed to and ro, narro!ly, precisely, and nearly garbled, si ted, searched, and e?amined, and on all hands e?actly argued, disputed, and debated, may, by succession o time, come at last to its ull ripeness and maturity. By means !hereo , !hen the atal haHard o the dice ensueth thereupon, the parties cast or condemned by the said aleatory chance !ill !ith much greater patience, and more mildly and gently, endure and bear up the disastrous load o their mis ortune, than i they had been sentenced at their irst arri"al unto the court, as not. gl. . de e?cus. tut. l. tria. onera. Portatur le"iter >uod portat >uis>ue libenter. 'n the other part, to pass a decree or sentence !hen the action is ra!, crude, green, unripe, unprepared, as at the beginning, a danger !ould ensue o a no less incon"eniency than that !hich the physicians ha"e been !ont to say be alleth to him in !hom an imposthume is pierced be ore it be ripe, or unto any other !hose body is purged o a strong predominating humour be ore its digestion. For as it is !ritten, in authent. haec constit. in 5nnoc. de constit. princip., so is the same repeated in gloss. in c. caeterum. e?tra. de juram. calumn. Juod medicamenta morbis e?hibent, hoc jura negotiis. 9ature urthermore admonisheth and teacheth us to gather and reap, eat and eed on ruits !hen they are ripe, and not be ore. 5nstit. de rer. di". paragr. is ad >uem et . de action. empt. l. 7ulianus. To marry like!ise our daughters !hen they are ripe, and no sooner, . de donation. inter "ir. et u?or. l. cum hic status. paragr. si >uis sponsam. et -G >u. 3. c. sicut dicit. gl. 7am matura thoro plenis adole"erat annis =irginitas. *nd, in a !ord, she instructeth us to do nothing o any considerable importance, but in a ull maturity and ripeness, -C. >. para ult. et -C. de c. ultimo.

Chapter C.I%5. (o! Bridlegoose relateth the history o the reconcilers o parties at "ariance in matters o la!. 5 remember to the same purpose, >uoth Bridlegoose, in continuing his discourse, that in the time !hen at Poictiers 5 !as a student o la! under Brocadium 7uris, there !as at +emer"e one Peter )andin, a "ery honest man, care ul labourer o the ground, ine singer in a church$desk, o good repute and credit, and older than the most aged o all your !orshipsE !ho !as !ont to say that he had seen the great and goodly good man, the Council o %ateran, !ith his !ide and broad$brimmed red hat. *s also, that he had beheld and looked upon the air and beauti ul Pragmatical +anction his !i e, !ith her huge rosary or patenotrian chaplet o jet$beads hanging at a large sky$coloured ribbon. This honest man compounded, atoned, and agreed more di erences, contro"ersies, and "ariances at la! than had been determined, "oided, and inished during his time in the !hole palace o Poictiers, in the auditory o <ontmorillon, and in the to!n$house o the

old Partenay. This amicable disposition o his rendered him "enerable and o great estimation, s!ay, po!er, and authority throughout all the neighbouring places o Chau"igny, 9ouaille, %eguge, =i"onne, <eHeau?, 1stables, and other bordering and circumjacent to!ns, "illages, and hamlets. *ll their debates !ere paci ied by himE he put an end to their brabbling suits at la! and !rangling di erences. By his ad"ice and counsels !ere accords and reconcilements no less irmly made than i the "erdict o a so"ereign judge had been interposed therein, although, in "ery deed, he !as no judge at all, but a right honest man, as you may !ell concei"e,$$arg. in l. sed si unius. . de jure$jur. et de "erbis obligatoriis l.continuus. There !as not a hog killed !ithin three parishes o him !hereo he had not some part o the haslet and puddings. (e !as almost e"ery day in"ited either to a marriage ban>uet, christening east, an uprising or !omen$churching treatment, a birthday's anni"ersary solemnity, a merry rolic gossiping, or other!ise to some delicious entertainment in a ta"ern, to make some accord and agreement bet!een persons at odds and in debate !ith one another. Remark !hat 5 sayE or he ne"er yet settled and compounded a di erence bet!i?t any t!o at "ariance, but he straight made the parties agreed and paci ied to drink together as a sure and in allible token and symbol o a per ect and completely !ell$cemented reconciliation, sign o a sound and sincere amity and proper mark o a ne! joy and gladness to ollo! thereupon,$$8t not. per @)oct.D . de peric. et com. rei "end. l. 3. (e had a son, !hose name !as Tenot )andin, a lusty, young, sturdy, risking roister, so help me GodL !ho like!ise, in imitation o his peace$making ather, !ould ha"e undertaken and meddled !ith the making up o "ariances and deciding o contro"ersies bet!i?t disagreeing and contentious party$pleadersE as you kno!, +aepe solet similis esse patri. 1t se>uitur le"iter ilia matris iter. 8t ait gloss. A, >uaest. 3. c. +i >uis. gloss. de cons. dist. B. c. -. in. et est. not. per )oct. cod. de impub. et aliis substit. l. ult. et l. legitime. . de stat. hom. gloss. in l. >uod si nolit. . de aedil. edict. l. >uis>uis c. ad leg. 7ul. <ajest. 1?cipio ilios a <oniali susceptos e? <onacho. per glos. in c. impudicas. -G. >uaestione. 3. *nd such !as his con idence to ha"e no !orse success than his ather, he assumed unto himsel the title o %a!$stri e$settler. (e !as like!ise in these paci icatory negotiations so acti"e and "igilant$$ or, =igilantibus jura sub"eniunt. e? l. pupillus. . >uae in raud. cred. et ibid. l. non enim. et instit. in prooem.$$that !hen he had smelt, heard, and ully understood$$ut .si >uando paup. ec. l. *gaso. gloss. in "erb. ol ecit, id est, nasum ad culum posuit$$and ound that there !as any!here in the country a debatable matter at la!, he !ould incontinently thrust in his ad"ice, and so or!ardly intrude his opinion in the business, that he made no bones o making o er, and taking upon him to decide it, ho! di icult soe"er it might happen to be, to the ull contentment and satis action o both parties. 5t is !ritten, Jui non laborat non manducatE and the said gl. . de damn. in ect. l. >uam"is, and Currere plus >ue le pas "etulam compellit egestas. gloss. . de lib. agnosc. l. si >uis. pro >ua acit. l. si plures. c. de cond. incert. But so hugely great !as his mis ortune in this his undertaking, that he ne"er composed any di erence, ho! little soe"er you may imagine it might ha"e been, but that, instead o reconciling the parties at odds, he did incense, irritate, and e?asperate them to a higher point o dissension and enmity than e"er they !ere at be ore. #our !orships kno!, 5 doubt not, that,

+ermo datur cunctis, animi sapientia paucis. Gl. . de alien. jud. mut. caus. a. lib.-. This administered unto the ta"ern$keepers, !ine$dra!ers, and "intners o +emer"e an occasion to say, that under him they had not in the space o a !hole year so much reconciliation$!ine, or so !ere they pleased to call the good !ine o %eguge, as under his ather they had done in one hal $hour's time. 5t happened a little !hile therea ter that he made a most hea"y regret thereo to his ather, attributing the causes o his bad success in paci icatory enterprises to the per"ersity, stubbornness, ro!ard, cross, and back!ard inclinations o the people o his timeE roundly, boldly, and irre"erently upbraiding, that i but a score o years be ore the !orld had been so !ay!ard, obstinate, per"icacious, implacable, and out o all s>uare, rame, and order as it !as then, his ather had ne"er attained to and ac>uired the honour and title o +tri e$appeaser so irre ragably, in"iolably, and irre"ocably as he had done. 5n doing !hereo Tenot did heinously transgress against the la! !hich prohibiteth children to reproach the actions o their parentsE per gl. et Bart. l. C. paragr. si >uis. . de cond. ob caus. et authent. de nupt. par. sed >uod sancitum. col. /. To this the honest old ather ans!ered thus& <y son )andin, !hen )on 'portet taketh place, this is the course !hich !e must trace, gl. c. de appell. l. eos etiam. For the road that you !ent upon !as not the !ay to the uller's mill, nor in any part thereo !as the orm to be ound !herein the hare did sit. Thou hast not the skill and de?terity o settling and composing di erences. ;hyK Because thou takest them at the beginning, in the "ery in ancy and bud as it !ere, !hen they are green, ra!, and indigestible. #et 5 kno! handsomely and eatly ho! to compose and settle them all. ;hyK Because 5 take them at their decadence, in their !eaning, and !hen they are pretty !ell digested. +o saith Gloss& )ulcior est ructus post multa pericula ductus. %. non moriturus. c. de contrahend. et committ. stip. )idst thou e"er hear the "ulgar pro"erb, (appy is the physician !hose coming is desired at the declension o a diseaseK For the sickness being come to a crisis is then upon the decreasing hand, and dra!ing to!ards an end, although the physician should not repair thither or the cure thereo E !hereby, though nature !holly do the !ork, he bears a!ay the palm and praise thereo . <y pleaders, a ter the same manner, be ore 5 did interpose my judgment in the reconciling o them, !ere !a?ing aint in their contestations. Their altercation heat !as much abated, and, in declining rom their ormer stri e, they o themsel"es inclined to a irm accommodation o their di erencesE because there !anted uel to that ire o burning rancour and despite ul !rangling !hereo the lo!er sort o la!yers !ere the kindlers. That is to say, their purses !ere emptied o coin, they had not a !in in their ob, nor penny in their bag, !here!ith to solicit and present their actions. )e iciente pecu, de icit omne, nia. There !anted then nothing but some brother to supply the place o a paranymph, bra!l$broker, pro?enete, or mediator, !ho, acting his part de?terously, should be the irst broacher o the motion o an agreement, or sa"ing both the one and the other party rom that hurt ul and pernicious shame !hereo he could not ha"e a"oided the imputation !hen it should ha"e been said that he !as the irst !ho yielded and spoke o a reconcilement, and that there ore, his cause not being good, and being

sensible !here his shoe did pinch him, he !as !illing to break the ice, and make the greater haste to prepare the !ay or a condescendment to an amicable and riendly treaty. Then !as it that 5 came in pudding time, )andin, my son, nor is the at o bacon more relishing to boiled peas than !as my "erdict then agreeable to them. This !as my luck, my pro it, and good ortune. 5 tell thee, my jolly son )andin, that by this rule and method 5 could settle a irm peace, or at least clap up a cessation o arms and truce or many years to come, bet!i?t the Great :ing and the =enetian +tate, the 1mperor and the Cantons o +!itHerland, the 1nglish and the +cots, and bet!i?t the Pope and the Ferrarians. +hall 5 go yet urtherK #ea, as 5 !ould ha"e God to help me, bet!i?t the Turk and the +ophy, the Tartars and the <usco"iters. Remark !ell !hat 5 am to say unto thee. 5 !ould take them at that "ery instant nick o time !hen both those o the one and the other side should be !eary and tired o making !ar, !hen they had "oided and emptied their o!n cashes and co ers o all treasure and coin, drained and e?hausted the purses and bags o their subjects, sold and mortgaged their domains and proper inheritances, and totally !asted, spent, and consumed the munition, urniture, pro"ision, and "ictuals that !ere necessary or the continuance o a military e?pedition. There 5 am sure, by God, or by his <other, that, !ould they, !ould they not, in spite o all their teeths, they should be orced to ha"e a little respite and breathing time to moderate the ury and cruel rage o their ambitious aims. This is the doctrine in Gl. CG. d. c. si >uando. 'dero, si poteroE si non, in"itus amabo.

Chapter C.I%55. (o! suits at la! are bred at irst, and ho! they come a ter!ards to their per ect gro!th. For this cause, >uoth Bridlegoose, going on in his discourse, 5 temporiHe and apply mysel to the times, as your other !orships use to do, !aiting patiently or the maturity o the process, ull gro!th and per ection thereo in all its members, to !it, the !ritings and the bags. *rg. in l. si major. c. commun. di"id. et de cons. di. 3. c. solemnitates, et ibi gl. * suit in la! at its production, birth, and irst beginning, seemeth to me, as unto your other !orships, shapeless, !ithout orm or ashion, incomplete, ugly and imper ect, e"en as a bear at his irst coming into the !orld hath neither hands, skin, hair, nor head, but is merely an in orm, rude, and ill$ a"oured piece and lump o lesh, and !ould remain still so, i his dam, out o the abundance o her a ection to her hope ul cub, did not !ith much licking put his members into that igure and shape !hich nature had pro"ided or those o an arctic and ursinal kindE ut not. )oct. . ad l. *>uil. l. C. in in. 7ust so do 5 see, as your other !orships do, processes and suits in la!, at their irst bringing orth, to be numberless, !ithout shape, de ormed, and dis igured, or that then they consist only o one or t!o !ritings, or copies o instruments, through !hich de ect they appear unto me, as to your other !orships, oul, loathsome, ilthy, and misshapen beasts. But !hen there are heaps o these legi ormal papers packed, piled, laid up together, impoked, insatchelled, and put up in bags, then is it that !ith a good reason !e may term that suit, to !hich, as pieces, parcels, parts, portions, and members thereo , they do pertain and belong, !ell$ ormed and ashioned, big$limbed, strong$set, and in all and each o its dimensions most completely membered.

Because orma dat esse. rei. l. si is >ui. . ad leg. Falcid. in c. cum dilecta. de rescript. Barbat. consil. 3-. lib. -, and be ore him, Baldus, in c. ult. e?tra. de consuet. et l. 7ulianus ad e?hib. . et l. >uaesitum. . de leg. C. The manner is such as is set do!n in gl. p. >uaest. 3. c. Paulus. )ebile principium melior ortuna se>uetur. %ike your other !orships, also the sergeants, catchpoles, pursui"ants, messengers, summoners, apparitors, ushers, door$keepers, petti oggers, attorneys, proctors, commissioners, justices o the peace, judge delegates, arbitrators, o"erseers, se>uestrators, ad"ocates, in>uisitors, jurors, searchers, e?aminers, notaries, tabellions, scribes, scri"eners, clerks, pregnotaries, secondaries, and e?pedanean judges, de >uibus tit. est. l. C. c., by sucking "ery much, and that e?ceeding orcibly, and licking at the purses o the pleading parties, they, to the suits already begot and engendered, orm, ashion, and rame head, eet, cla!s, talons, beaks, bills, teeth, hands, "eins, sine!s, arteries, muscles, humours, and so orth, through all the similary and dissimilary parts o the !holeE !hich parts, particles, pendicles, and appurtenances are the la! pokes and bags, gl. de cons. d. /. c. accepisti. Jualis "estis erit, talia corda gerit. (ic notandum est, that in this respect the pleaders, litigants, and la!$suitors are happier than the o icers, ministers, and administrators o justice. For beatius est dare >uam accipere. . commun. l. C. e?tra. de celebr. <iss. c. cum <arthae. et -/. >uaest. 3. cap. 'd. gl. * ectum dantis pensat censura tonantis. Thus becometh the action or process by their care and industry to be o a complete and goodly bulk, !ell shaped, ramed, ormed, and ashioned according to the canonical gloss. *ccipe, sume, cape, sunt "erba placentia Papae. ;hich speech hath been more clearly e?plained by *lbert de Ros, in "erbo Roma. Roma manus rodit, >uas rodere non "alet, odit. )antes custodit, non dantes spernit, et odit. The reason !hereo is thought to be this& *d praesens o"a cras pullis sunt meliora. ut est gl. in l. >uum hi. . de transact. 9or is this allE or the incon"enience o the contrary is set do!n in gloss. c. de allu. l. in. Juum labor in damno est, crescit mortalis egestas. 5n con irmation !hereo !e ind that the true etymology and e?position o the !ord process is purchase, "iH. o good store o money to the la!yers, and o many pokes$$id est, prou$sacks$$to the pleaders, upon !hich subject !e ha"e most celestial >uips, gibes, and girds. %igitando jura crescuntE litigando jus ac>uiritur. 5tem gl. in cap. illud e?trem. de praesumpt. et c. de prob. l. instrum. l.

non epistolis. l. non nudis. 1t si non prosunt singula, multa ju"ant. #ea but, asked Trin>uamelle, ho! do you proceed, my riend, in criminal causes, the culpable and guilty party being taken and seiHed upon lagrante crimineK 1"en as your other !orships use to do, ans!ered Bridlegoose. First, 5 permit the plainti to depart rom the court, enjoining him not to presume to return thither till he preallably should ha"e taken a good sound and pro ound sleep, !hich is to ser"e or the prime entry and introduction to the legal carrying on o the business. 5n the ne?t place, a ormal report is to be made to me o his ha"ing slept. Thirdly, 5 issue orth a !arrant to con"ene him be ore me. Fourthly, he is to produce a su icient and authentic attestation o his ha"ing thoroughly and entirely slept, con orm to the Gloss. CG. Juest. G. c. +i >uis cum. Juando>ue bonus dormitat (omerus. Being thus ar ad"anced in the ormality o the process, 5 ind that this consopiating act engendereth another act, !hence ariseth the articulating o a member. That again produceth a third act, ashionati"e o another memberE !hich third bringing orth a ourth, procreati"e o another act. 9e! members in a no e!er number are shapen and ramed, one still breeding and begetting another$$as, link a ter link, the coat o mail at length is made$$till thus, piece a ter piece, by little and little, by in ormation upon in ormation, the process be completely !ell ormed and per ect in all his members. Finally, ha"ing proceeded this length, 5 ha"e recourse to my dice, nor is it to be thought that this interruption, respite, or interpellation is by me occasioned !ithout "ery good reason inducing me thereunto, and a notable e?perience o a most con"incing and irre ragable orce. 5 remember, on a time, that in the camp at +tockholm there !as a certain Gascon named Gratianauld, nati"e o the to!n o +aint +e"er, !ho ha"ing lost all his money at play, and consecuti"ely being "ery angry thereat$$as you kno!, Pecunia est alter sanguis, ut ait *nto. de Burtio, in c. accedens. -. e?tra ut lit. non contest. et Bald. in l. si tuis. c. de opt. leg. per tot.in l. ad"ocati. c. de ad"oc. di". jud. Pecunia est "ita hominis et optimus ide$jussor in necessitatibus$$did, at his coming orth o the gaming$house, in the presence o the !hole company that !as there, !ith a "ery loud "oice speak in his o!n language these ollo!ing !ords& Pao cap de bious hillots, >ue mau? de pipes bous tresbire& ares >ue de pergudes sont les mires bingt, et >uouatre bagnelles, ta pla donnerien pics, trucs, et patacts, +ey degun de bous aul?, >ui boille tru>uar ambe iou a bels embis. Finding that none !ould make him any ans!er, he passed rom thence to that part o the leaguer !here the hu $snu , honder sponder, s!ashbuckling (igh Germans !ere, to !hom he rene!ed these "ery terms, pro"oking them to ight !ith himE but all the return he had rom them to his stout challenge !as only, )er Gasconner thut sich ausH mit ein iedem Hu schlagen, aber er ist geneigter Hu stehlen, darum, liebe ra!en, habt sorg Hu euerm hausHrath. Finding also that none o that band o Teutonic soldiers o ered himsel to the combat, he passed to that >uarter o the leaguer !here the French reebooting ad"enturers !ere encamped, and reiterating unto them !hat he had be ore repeated to the )utch !arriors, challenged them like!ise to ight !ith him, and there!ithal made some pretty little Gasconado risking gambols to oblige them the more cheer ully and gallantly to cope !ith him in the lists o a duelliHing engagementE but

no ans!er at all !as made unto him. ;hereupon the Gascon, despairing o meeting !ith any antagonists, departed rom thence, and laying himsel do!n not ar rom the pa"ilions o the grand Christian ca"alier Crissie, ell ast asleep. ;hen he had thoroughly slept an hour or t!o, another ad"enturous and all$haHarding blade o the orlorn hope o the la"ishingly !asting gamesters, ha"ing also lost all his moneys, sallied orth !ith s!ord in his hand, o a irm resolution to ight !ith the a oresaid Gascon, seeing he had lost as !ell as he. Ploratur lachrymis amissa pecunia "eris, saith the Gl. de poenitent. distinct. C. c. sunt plures. To this e ect ha"ing made in>uiry and search or him throughout the !hole camp, and in se>uel thereo ound him asleep, he said unto him, 8p, ho, good ello!, in the name o all the de"ils o hell, rise up, rise up, get upL 5 ha"e lost my money as !ell as thou hast doneE let us there ore go ight lustily together, grapple and scu le it to some purpose. Thou mayest look and see that my tuck is no longer than thy rapier. The Gascon, altogether astonished at his une?pected pro"ocation, !ithout altering his ormer dialect spoke thus& Cap de +aint *rnault, >uau seys to you, >ui me rebeilleHK Jue mau de taberne te gire. (o +aint +iobe, cap de Gascoigne, ta pla dormy jou, >uand a>uoest ta>uain me bingut estee. The "enturous roister in"iteth him again to the duel, but the Gascon, !ithout condescending to his desire, said only this& (e pao"ret jou tes>uinerie ares, >ue son pla reposat. =ayne un pau>ue te pausar com jou, peusse tru>ueren. Thus, in orgetting his loss, he orgot the eagerness !hich he had to ight. 5n conclusion, a ter that the other had like!ise slept a little, they, instead o ighting, and possibly killing one another, !ent jointly to a sutler's tent, !here they drank together "ery amicably, each upon the pa!n o his s!ord. Thus by a little sleep !as paci ied the ardent ury o t!o !arlike champions. There, gossip, comes the golden !ord o 7ohn *ndr. in cap. ult. de sent. et re. judic. l. se?to. +edendo, et dormiendo it anima prudens. Chapter C.I%555. (o! Pantagruel e?cuseth Bridlegoose in the matter o sentencing actions at la! by the chance o the dice. ;ith this Bridlegoose held his peace. ;hereupon Trin>uamelle bid him !ithdra! rom the court$$!hich accordingly !as done$$and then directed his discourse to Pantagruel a ter this manner& 5t is itting, most illustrious prince, not only by reason o the deep obligations !herein this present parliament, together !ith the !hole mar>uisate o <irelingues, stand bound to your royal highness or the innumerable bene its !hich, as e ects o mere grace, they ha"e recei"ed rom your incomparable bounty, but or that e?cellent !it also, prime judgment, and admirable learning !here!ith *lmighty God, the gi"er o all good things, hath most richly >uali ied and endo!ed you, !e tender and present unto you the decision o this ne!, strange, and parado?ical case o BridlegooseE !ho, in your presence, to your both hearing and seeing, hath plainly con essed his inal judging and determinating o suits o la! by the mere chance and ortune o the dice. There ore do !e beseech you that you may be pleased to gi"e sentence therein as unto you shall seem most just and e>uitable. To this Pantagruel ans!ered& Gentlemen, it is not unkno!n to you ho! my condition is some!hat remote rom the pro ession o deciding la! contro"ersiesE yet, seeing you

are pleased to do me the honour to put that task upon me, instead o undergoing the o ice o a judge 5 !ill become your humble supplicant. 5 obser"e, gentlemen, in this Bridlegoose se"eral things !hich induce me to represent be ore you that it is my opinion he should be pardoned. 5n the irst place, his old ageE secondly, his simplicityE to both !hich >ualities our statute and common la!s, ci"il and municipal together, allo! many e?cuses or any slips or escapes !hich, through the in"incible imper ection o either, ha"e been inconsiderately stumbled upon by a person so >uali ied. Thirdly, gentlemen, 5 must needs display be ore you another case, !hich in e>uity and justice maketh much or the ad"antage o Bridlegoose, to !it, that this one, sole, and single ault o his ought to be >uite orgotten, abolished, and s!allo!ed up by that immense and "ast ocean o just dooms and sentences !hich hereto ore he hath gi"en and pronouncedE his demeanours, or these orty years and up!ards that he hath been a judge, ha"ing been so e"enly balanced in the scales o uprightness, that en"y itsel till no! could not ha"e been so impudent as to accuse and t!it him !ith any act !orthy o a check or reprehensionE as, i a drop o the sea !ere thro!n into the %oire, none could percei"e or say that by this single drop the !hole ri"er should be salt and brackish. Truly, it seemeth unto me, that in the !hole series o Bridlegoose's juridical decrees there hath been 5 kno! not !hat o e?traordinary sa"ouring o the unspeakable benignity o God, that all those his preceding sentences, a!ards, and judgments, ha"e been con irmed and appro"ed o by yoursel"es in this your o!n "enerable and so"ereign court. For it is usual, as you kno! !ell, !ith him !hose !ays are inscrutable, to mani est his o!n ine able glory in blunting the perspicacy o the eyes o the !ise, in !eakening the strength o potent oppressors, in depressing the pride o rich e?tortioners, and in erecting, com orting, protecting, supporting, upholding, and shoring up the poor, eeble, humble, silly, and oolish ones o the earth. But, !ai"ing all these matters, 5 shall only beseech you, not by the obligations !hich you pretend to o!e to my amily, or !hich 5 thank you, but or that constant and un eigned lo"e and a ection !hich you ha"e al!ays ound in me, both on this and on the other side o %oire, or the maintenance and establishment o your places, o ices, and dignities, that or this one time you !ould pardon and orgi"e him upon these t!o conditions. First, that he satis y, or put a su icient surety or the satis action o the party !ronged by the injustice o the sentence in >uestion. For the ul ilment o this article 5 !ill pro"ide su iciently. *nd, secondly, that or his subsidiary aid in the !eighty charge o administrating justice you !ould be pleased to appoint and assign unto him some pretty little "irtuous counsellor, younger, learneder, and !iser than he, by the s>uare and rule o !hose ad"ice he may regulate, guide, temper, and moderate in times coming all his judiciary proceduresE or other!ise, i you intend totally to depose him rom his o ice, and to depri"e him altogether o the state and dignity o a judge, 5 shall cordially entreat you to make a present and ree gi t o him to me, !ho shall ind in my kingdoms charges and employments enough !here!ith to embusy him, or the bettering o his o!n ortunes and urtherance o my ser"ice. 5n the meantime, 5 implore the Creator, +a"iour, and +ancti ier o all good things, in his grace, mercy, and kindness, to preser"e you all no! and e"ermore, !orld !ithout end. These !ords thus spoken, Pantagruel, "ailing his cap and making a leg !ith such a majestic garb as became a person o his paramount degree and eminency, are!elled Trin>uamelle, the president and master$speaker o that <irelinguesian parliament, took his lea"e o the !hole court, and !ent out

o the chamberE at the door !hereo inding Panurge, 1pistemon, Friar 7ohn, and others, he orth!ith, attended by them, !alked to the outer gate, !here all o them immediately took horse to return to!ards Gargantua. Pantagruel by the !ay related to them rom point to point the manner o Bridlegoose's sententiating di erences at la!. Friar 7ohn said that he had seen Peter )andin, and !as ac>uainted !ith him at that time !hen he sojourned in the monastery o Fontaine le Comte, under the noble *bbot *rdillon. Gymnast like!ise a irmed that he !as in the tent o the grand Christian ca"alier )e Crissie, !hen the Gascon, a ter his sleep, made ans!er to the ad"enturer. Panurge !as some!hat incredulous in the matter o belie"ing that it !as morally possible Bridlegoose should ha"e been or such a long space o time so continually ortunate in that aleatory !ay o deciding la! debates. 1pistemon said to Pantagruel, +uch another story, not much unlike to that in all the circumstances thereo , is "ulgarly reported o the pro"ost o <ontlehery. 5n good sooth, such a perpetuity o good luck is to be !ondered at. To ha"e hit right t!ice or thrice in a judgment so gi"en by haphaHard might ha"e allen out !ell enough, especially in contro"ersies that !ere ambiguous, intricate, abstruse, perple?ed, and obscure.

Chapter C.I%5=. (o! Pantagruel relateth a strange history o the perple?ity o human judgment. +eeing you talk, >uoth Pantagruel, o dark, di icult, hard, and knotty debates, 5 !ill tell you o one contro"erted be ore Cneius )olabella, proconsul in *sia. The case !as this. * !i e in +myrna had o her irst husband a child named *bece. (e dying, she, a ter the e?piring o a year and day, married again, and to her second husband bore a boy called 1 ege. * pretty long time therea ter it happened, as you kno! the a ection o step athers and stepdams is "ery rare to!ards the children o the irst athers and mothers deceased, that this husband, !ith the help o his son 1 ege, secretly, !ittingly, !illingly, and treacherously murdered *bece. The !oman came no sooner to get in ormation o the act, but, that it might not go unpunished, she caused kill them both, to re"enge the death o her irst son. +he !as apprehended and carried be ore Cneius )olabella, in !hose presence she, !ithout dissembling anything, con essed all that !as laid to her chargeE yet alleged that she had both right and reason on her side or the killing o them. Thus !as the state o the >uestion. (e ound the business so dubious and intricate, that he kne! not !hat to determine therein, nor !hich o the parties to incline to. 'n the one hand, it !as an e?ecrable crime to cut o at once both her second husband and her son. 'n the other hand, the cause o the murder seemed to be so natural, as to be grounded upon the la! o nations and the rational instinct o all the people o the !orld, seeing they t!o together had eloniously and murderously destroyed her irst sonE not that they had been in any manner o !ay !ronged, outraged, or injured by him, but out o an a"aricious intent to possess his inheritance. 5n this doubt ul >uandary and uncertainty !hat to pitch upon, he sent to the *reopagites then sitting at *thens to learn and obtain their ad"ice and judgment. That judicious senate, "ery sagely perpending the reasons o his perple?ity, sent him !ord to summon her personally to compear be ore him a precise hundred years therea ter, to ans!er to some interrogatories touching certain points !hich !ere not contained in the

"erbal de ence. ;hich resolution o theirs did import that it !as in their opinion a so di icult and ine?tricable matter that they kne! not !hat to say or judge therein. ;ho had decided that plea by the chance and ortune o the dice, could not ha"e erred nor a!arded amiss on !hich side soe"er he had passed his casting and condemnatory sentence. 5 against the !oman, she deser"ed punishment or usurping so"ereign authority by taking that "engeance at her o!n hand, the in licting !hereo !as only competent to the supreme po!er to administer justice in criminal cases. 5 or her, the just resentment o a so atrocious injury done unto her, in murdering her innocent son, did ully e?cuse and "indicate her o any trespass or o ence about that particular committed by her. But this continuation o Bridlegoose or so many years still hitting the nail on the head, ne"er missing the mark, and al!ays judging aright, by the mere thro!ing o the dice and chance thereo , is that !hich most astonisheth and amaHeth me. To ans!er, >uoth Pantagruel @1pistemon, says the 1nglish edition o 3AF/, ollo!ing the reading o the modern French editions. %e )uchat has pointed out the mistake.$$<.D, categorically to that !hich you !onder at, 5 must ingeniously con ess and a"o! that 5 cannotE yet, conjecturally to guess at the reason o it, 5 !ould re er the cause o that mar"ellously long$continued happy success in the judiciary results o his de initi"e sentences to the a"ourable aspect o the hea"ens and benignity o the intelligencesE !ho, out o their lo"e to goodness, a ter ha"ing contemplated the pure simplicity and sincere un eignedness o 7udge Bridlegoose in the ackno!ledgment o his inabilities, did regulate that or him by chance !hich by the pro oundest act o his maturest deliberation he !as not able to reach unto. That, like!ise, !hich possibly made him to di ide in his o!n skill and capacity, not!ithstanding his being an e?pert and understanding la!yer, or anything that 5 kno! to the contrary, !as the kno!ledge and e?perience !hich he had o the antinomies, contrarieties, antilogies, contradictions, tra"ersings, and th!artings o la!s, customs, edicts, statutes, orders, and ordinances, in !hich dangerous opposition, e>uity and justice being structured and ounded on either o the opposite terms, and a gap being thereby opened or the ushering in o injustice and ini>uity through the "arious interpretations o sel $ended la!yers, being assuredly persuaded that the in ernal calumniator, !ho re>uently trans ormeth himsel into the likeness o a messenger or angel o light, maketh use o these cross glosses and e?positions in the mouths and pens o his ministers and ser"ants, the per"erse ad"ocates, bribing judges, la!$monging attorneys, pre"aricating counsellors, and other such$like la!$!resting members o a court o justice, to turn by those means black to !hite, green to grey, and !hat is straight to a crooked ply. For the more e?pedient doing !hereo , these diabolical ministers make both the pleading parties belie"e that their cause is just and righteousE or it is !ell kno!n that there is no cause, ho! bad soe"er, !hich doth not ind an ad"ocate to patrocinate and de end it,$$else !ould there be no process in the !orld, no suits at la!, nor pleadings at the bar. (e did in these e?tremities, as 5 concei"e, most humbly recommend the direction o his judicial proceedings to the upright judge o judges, God *lmightyE did submit himsel to the conduct and guideship o the blessed +pirit in the haHard and perple?ity o the de initi"e sentence, and, by this aleatory lot, did as it !ere implore and e?plore the di"ine decree o his good!ill and pleasure, instead o that !hich !e call the inal judgment o a court. To this e ect, to the better attaining to his purpose, !hich !as to judge righteously, he did, in my opinion, thro! and turn the dice, to the end that by the pro"idence a oresaid the best chance might all to him !hose action !as uprightest, and backed !ith greatest reason. 5n doing !hereo

he did not stray rom the sense o Talmudists, !ho say that there is so little harm in that manner o searching the truth, that in the an?iety and perple?edness o human !its God o tentimes mani esteth the secret pleasure o his di"ine !ill. Furthermore, 5 !ill neither think nor say, nor can 5 belie"e, that the unstraightness is so irregular, or the corruption so e"ident, o those o the parliament o <irelingois in <irelingues, be ore !hom Bridlegoose !as arraigned or pre"arication, that they !ill maintain it to be a !orse practice to ha"e the decision o a suit at la! re erred to the chance and haHard o a thro! o the dice, hab nab, or luck as it !ill, than to ha"e it remitted to and passed by the determination o those !hose hands are ull o blood and hearts o !ry a ections. Besides that, their principal direction in all la! matters comes to their hands rom one Tribonian, a !icked, miscreant, barbarous, aithless and per idious kna"e, so pernicious, unjust, a"aricious, and per"erse in his !ays, that it !as his ordinary custom to sell la!s, edicts, declarations, constitutions, and ordinances, as at an outroop or putsale, to him !ho o ered most or them. Thus did he shape measures or the pleaders, and cut their morsels to them by and out o these little parcels, ragments, bits, scantlings, and shreds o the la! no! in use, altogether concealing, suppressing, disannulling, and abolishing the remainder, !hich did make or the total la!E earing that, i the !hole la! !ere made mani est and laid open to the kno!ledge o such as are interested in it, and the learned books o the ancient doctors o the la! upon the e?position o the T!el"e Tables and Praetorian 1dicts, his "illainous pranks, naughtiness, and "ile impiety should come to the public notice o the !orld. There ore !ere it better, in my conceit, that is to say, less incon"enient, that parties at "ariance in any juridical case should in the dark march upon caltrops than submit the determination o !hat is their right to such unhallo!ed sentences and horrible decreesE as Cato in his time !ished and ad"ised that e"ery judiciary court should be pa"ed !ith caltrops.

Chapter C.I%=. (o! Panurge taketh ad"ice o Triboulet. 'n the si?th day therea ter Pantagruel !as returned home at the "ery same hour that Triboulet !as by !ater come rom Blois. Panurge, at his arri"al, ga"e him a hog's bladder pu ed up !ith !ind, and resounding because o the hard peas that !ere !ithin it. <oreo"er he did present him !ith a gilt !ooden s!ord, a hollo! budget made o a tortoise shell, an osier$!attled !icker$bottle ull o Breton !ine, and i"e$and$t!enty apples o the orchard o Blandureau. 5 he be such a ool, >uoth Carpalin, as to be !on !ith apples, there is no more !it in his pate than in the head o an ordinary cabbage. Triboulet girded the s!ord and scrip to his side, took the bladder in his hand, ate some e! o the apples, and drunk up all the !ine. Panurge "ery !istly and heed ully looking upon him said, 5 ne"er yet sa! a ool, and 5 ha"e seen ten thousand rancs !orth o that kind o cattle, !ho did not lo"e to drink heartily, and by good long draughts. ;hen Triboulet had done !ith his drinking, Panurge laid out be ore him and e?posed the sum o the business !herein he !as to re>uire his ad"ice, in elo>uent and choicely$sorted terms, adorned !ith lourishes o rhetoric. But, be ore he had altogether

done, Triboulet !ith his ist ga"e him a bouncing !hirret bet!een the shoulders, rendered back into his hand again the empty bottle, illipped and lirted him in the nose !ith the hog's bladder, and lastly, or a inal resolution, shaking and !agging his head strongly and disorderly, he ans!ered nothing else but this, By God, God, mad ool, be!are the monk, BuHansay hornpipeL These !ords thus inished, he slipped himsel out o the company, !ent aside, and, rattling the bladder, took a huge delight in the melody o the rickling crackling noise o the peas. * ter !hich time it lay not in the po!er o them all to dra! out o his chaps the articulate sound o one syllable, insomuch that, !hen Panurge !ent about to interrogate him urther, Triboulet dre! his !ooden s!ord, and !ould ha"e stuck him there!ith. 5 ha"e ished air no!, >uoth Panurge, and brought my pigs to a ine market. (a"e 5 not got a bra"e determination o all my doubts, and a response in all things agreeable to the oracle that ga"e itK (e is a great ool, that is not to be denied, yet is he a greater ool !ho brought him hither to me,$$That bolt, >uoth Carpalin, le"els point$blank at me,$$but o the three 5 am the greatest ool, !ho did impart the secret o my thoughts to such an idiot ass and nati"e ninny. ;ithout putting oursel"es to any stir or trouble in the least, >uoth Pantagruel, let us maturely and seriously consider and perpend the gestures and speech !hich he hath made and uttered. 5n them, "eritably, >uoth he, ha"e 5 remarked and obser"ed some e?cellent and notable mysteriesE yea, o such important !orth and !eight, that 5 shall ne"er hence orth be astonished, nor think strange, !hy the Turks !ith a great deal o !orship and re"erence honour and respect natural ools e>ually !ith their primest doctors, mu tis, di"ines, and prophets. )id not you take heed, >uoth he, a little be ore he opened his mouth to speak, !hat a shogging, shaking, and !agging his head did keepK By the appro"ed doctrine o the ancient philosophers, the customary ceremonies o the most e?pert magicians, and the recei"ed opinions o the learnedest la!yers, such a brangling agitation and mo"ing should by us all be judged to proceed rom, and be >uickened and suscitated by the coming and inspiration o the prophetiHing and atidical spirit, !hich, entering briskly and on a sudden into a shallo! receptacle o a debile substance @ or, as you kno!, and as the pro"erb sho!s it, a little head containeth not much brainsD, !as the cause o that commotion. This is con orm to !hat is a"ouched by the most skil ul physicians, !hen they a irm that shakings and tremblings all upon the members o a human body, partly because o the hea"iness and "iolent impetuosity o the burden and load that is carried, and, other part, by reason o the !eakness and imbecility that is in the "irtue o the bearing organ. * mani est e?ample !hereo appeareth in those !ho, asting, are not able to carry to their head a great goblet ull o !ine !ithout a trembling and a shaking in the hand that holds it. This o old !as accounted a pre iguration and mystical pointing out o the Pythian di"ineress, !ho used al!ays, be ore the uttering o a response rom the oracle, to shake a branch o her domestic laurel. %ampridius also testi ieth that the 1mperor (eliogabalus, to ac>uire unto himsel the reputation o a soothsayer, did, on se"eral holy days o prime solemnnity, in the presence o the anatic rabble, make the head o his idol by some slight !ithin the body thereo publicly to shake. Plautus, in his *sinaria, declareth like!ise, that +aurias, !hithersoe"er he !alked, like one >uite distracted o his !its kept such a urious lolling and mad$like shaking o his head, that he commonly a righted those !ho casually met !ith him in his !ay. The said author in another place, sho!ing a reason !hy Charmides shook and brangled his head, asse"ered that he !as transported and in an ecstasy. Catullus a ter the same manner maketh mention, in his Berecynthia and *tys, o the place !herein the

<enades, Bacchical !omen, she$priests o the %yaean god, and demented prophetesses, carrying i"y boughs in their hands, did shake their heads. *s in the like case, amongst the Galli, the gelded priests o Cybele !ere !ont to do in the celebrating o their esti"als. ;hence, too, according to the sense o the ancient theologues, she hersel has her denomination, or kubistan signi ieth to turn round, !hirl about, shake the head, and play the part o one that is !ry$necked. +emblably Titus %i"ius !riteth that, in the solemniHation time o the Bacchanalian holidays at Rome, both men and !omen seemed to prophetiHe and "aticinate, because o an a ected kind o !agging o the head, shrugging o the shoulders, and jectigation o the !hole body, !hich they used then most punctually. For the common "oice o the philosophers, together !ith the opinion o the people, asserteth or an irre ragable truth that "aticination is seldom by the hea"ens besto!ed on any !ithout the concomitancy o a little renHy and a head$shaking, not only !hen the said presaging "irtue is in used, but !hen the person also there!ith inspired declareth and mani esteth it unto others. The learned la!yer 7ulian, being asked on a time i that sla"e might be truly esteemed to be health ul and in a good plight !ho had not only con"ersed !ith some urious, maniac, and enraged people, but in their company had also prophesied, yet !ithout a noddle$shaking concussion, ans!ered that, seeing there !as no head$!agging at the time o his predictions, he might be held or sound and compotent enough. 5s it not daily seen ho! schoolmasters, teachers, tutors, and instructors o children shake the heads o their disciples, as one !ould do a pot in holding it by the lugs, that by this erection, "ellication, stretching, and pulling their ears, !hich, according to the doctrine o the sage 1gyptians, is a member consecrated to the memory, they may stir them up to recollect their scattered thoughts, bring home those ancies o theirs !hich perhaps ha"e been e?tra"agantly roaming abroad upon strange and uncouth objects, and totally range their judgments, !hich possibly by disordinate a ections ha"e been made !ild, to the rule and pattern o a !ise, discreet, "irtuous, and philosophical discipline. *ll !hich =irgil ackno!ledgeth to be true, in the branglement o *pollo Cynthius.

Chapter C.I%=5. (o! Pantagruel and Panurge di"ersely interpret the !ords o Triboulet. (e says you are a ool. *nd !hat kind o oolK * mad ool, !ho in your old age !ould ensla"e yoursel to the bondage o matrimony, and shut your pleasures up !ithin a !edlock !hose key some ru ian carries in his codpiece. (e says urthermore, Be!are o the monk. 8pon mine honour, it gi"es me in my mind that you !ill be cuckolded by a monk. 9ay, 5 !ill engage mine honour, !hich is the most precious pa!n 5 could ha"e in my possession although 5 !ere sole and peaceable dominator o"er all 1urope, *sia, and * rica, that, i you marry, you !ill surely be one o the horned brotherhood o =ulcan. (ereby may you percei"e ho! much 5 do attribute to the !ise oolery o our morosoph Triboulet. The other oracles and responses did in the general prognosticate you a cuckold, !ithout descending so near to the point o a particular determination as to pitch upon !hat "ocation amongst the se"eral sorts o men he should pro ess !ho is to be the copesmate o your !i e and horni ier o your proper sel . Thus noble Triboulet tells it us plainly, rom !hose !ords !e may gather !ith all ease imaginable that your cuckoldry is to be in amous, and so much

the more scandalous that your conjugal bed !ill be incestuously contaminated !ith the ilthiness o a monkery lecher. <oreo"er, he says that you !ill be the hornpipe o BuHansay, that is to say, !ell$horned, horni ied, and cornuted. *nd, as Triboulet's uncle asked rom %ouis the T!el th, or a younger brother o his o!n !ho li"ed at Blois, the hornpipes o BuHansay, or the organ pipes, through the mistake o one !ord or another, e"en so, !hilst you think to marry a !ise, humble, calm, discreet, and honest !i e, you shall unhappily stumble upon one !itless, proud, loud, obstreperous, ba!ling, clamorous, and more unpleasant than any BuHansay hornpipe. Consider !ithal ho! he lirted you on the nose !ith the bladder, and ga"e you a sound thumping blo! !ith his ist upon the ridge o the back. This denotates and presageth that you shall be banged, beaten, and illipped by her, and that also she !ill steal o your goods rom you, as you stole the hog's bladder rom the little boys o =aubreton. Flat contrary, >uoth PanurgeE$$not that 5 !ould impudently e?empt mysel rom being a "assal in the territory o olly. 5 hold o that jurisdiction, and am subject thereto, 5 con ess it. *nd !hy should 5 notK For the !hole !orld is oolish. 5n the old %orraine language, ou or tou, all and ool, !ere the same thing. Besides, it is a"ouched by +olomon that in inite is the number o ools. From an in inity nothing can be deducted or abated, nor yet, by the testimony o *ristotle, can anything thereto be added or subjoined. There ore !ere 5 a mad ool i , being a ool, 5 should not hold mysel a ool. * ter the same manner o speaking, !e may a"er the number o the mad and enraged olks to be in inite. *"icenna maketh no bones to assert that the se"eral kinds o madness are in inite. Though this much o Triboulet's !ords tend little to my ad"antage, ho!beit the prejudice !hich 5 sustain thereby be common !ith me to all other men, yet the rest o his talk and gesture maketh altogether or me. (e said to my !i e, Be !ary o the monkeyE that is as much as i she should be cheery, and take as much delight in a monkey as e"er did the %esbia o Catullus in her sparro!E !ho !ill or his recreation pass his time no less joy ully at the e?ercise o snatching lies than hereto ore did the merciless ly$catcher )omitian. ;ithal he meant, by another part o his discourse, that she should be o a jo"ial country$like humour, as gay and pleasing as a harmonious hornpipe o +aulieau or BuHansay. The "eridical Triboulet did therein hint at !hat 5 liked !ell, as per ectly kno!ing the inclinations and propensions o my mind, my natural disposition, and the bias o my interior passions and a ections. For you may be assured that my humour is much better satis ied and contented !ith the pretty, rolic, rural, dishe"elled shepherdesses, !hose bums through their coarse can"as smocks smell o the clo"er grass o the ield, than !ith those great ladies in magni ic courts, !ith their landan top$knots and sultanas, their pol"il, pastillos, and cosmetics. The homely sound, like!ise, o a rustical hornpipe is more agreeable to my ears than the curious !arbling and musical >ua"ering o lutes, theorbos, "iols, rebecs, and "iolins. (e ga"e me a lusty rapping th!ack on my back,$$!hat thenK %et it pass, in the name and or the lo"e o God, as an abatement o and deduction rom so much o my uture pains in purgatory. (e did it not out o any e"il intent. (e thought, belike, to ha"e hit some o the pages. (e is an honest ool, and an innocent changeling. 5t is a sin to harbour in the heart any bad conceit o him. *s or mysel , 5 heartily pardon him. (e lirted me on the nose. 5n that there is no harmE or it importeth nothing else but that bet!i?t my !i e and me there !ill occur some toyish !anton tricks !hich usually happen to all ne!$married olks.

Chapter C.I%=55. (o! Pantagruel and Panurge resol"ed to make a "isit to the oracle o the holy bottle. There is as yet another point, >uoth Panurge, !hich you ha"e not at all considered on, although it be the chie and principal head o the matter. (e put the bottle in my hand and restored it me again. (o! interpret you that passageK ;hat is the meaning o thatK (e possibly, >uoth Pantagruel, signi ieth thereby that your !i e !ill be such a drunkard as shall daily take in her li>uor kindly, and ply the pots and bottles apace. Juite other!ise, >uoth PanurgeE or the bottle !as empty. 5 s!ear to you, by the prickling brambly thorn o +t. Fiacre in Brie, that our uni>ue morosoph, !hom 5 ormerly termed the lunatic Triboulet, re erreth me, or attaining to the inal resolution o my scruple, to the response$gi"ing bottle. There ore do 5 rene! a resh the irst "o! !hich 5 made, and here in your presence protest and make oath, by +ty? and *cheron, to carry still spectacles in my cap, and ne"er to !ear a codpiece in my breeches, until upon the enterprise in hand o my nuptial undertaking 5 shall ha"e obtained an ans!er rom the holy bottle. 5 am ac>uainted !ith a prudent, understanding, and discreet gentleman, and besides a "ery good riend o mine, !ho kno!eth the land, country, and place !here its temple and oracle is built and posited. (e !ill guide and conduct us thither sure and sa ely. %et us go thither, 5 beseech you. )eny me not, and say not nayE reject not the suit 5 make unto you, 5 entreat you. 5 !ill be to you an *chates, a )amis, and heartily accompany you all along in the !hole "oyage, both in your going orth and coming back. 5 ha"e o a long time kno!n you to be a great lo"er o peregrination, desirous still to learn ne! things, and still to see !hat you had ne"er seen be ore. =ery !illingly, >uoth Pantagruel, 5 condescend to your re>uest. But be ore !e enter in upon our progress to!ards the accomplishment o so ar a journey, replenished and raught !ith eminent perils, ull o innumerable haHards, and e"ery !ay stored !ith e"ident and mani est dangers,$$;hat dangersK >uoth Panurge, interrupting him. )angers ly back, run rom, and shun me !hithersoe"er 5 go, se"en leagues around, as in the presence o the so"ereign a subordinate magistracy is eclipsedE or as clouds and darkness >uite e"anish at the bright coming o a radiant sunE or as all sores and sicknesses did suddenly depart at the approach o the body o +t. <artin a Juande. 9e"ertheless, >uoth Pantagruel, be ore !e ad"enture to set or!ards on the road o our projected and intended "oyage, some e! points are to be discussed, e?pedited, and despatched. First, let us send back Triboulet to Blois. ;hich !as instantly done, a ter that Pantagruel had gi"en him a rieHe coat. +econdly, our design must be backed !ith the ad"ice and counsel o the king my ather. *nd, lastly, it is most need ul and e?pedient or us that !e search or and ind out some sibyl to ser"e us or a guide, truchman, and interpreter. To this Panurge made ans!er, that his riend Ienomanes !ould abundantly su ice or the plenary discharge and per ormance o the sibyl's o iceE and that, urthermore, in passing through the %anternatory re"elling country, they should take along !ith them a learned and pro itable %anternesse, !hich !ould be no less use ul to them in their "oyage than !as the sibyl to *eneas in his descent to the 1lysian ields. Carpalin, in the interim, as he !as upon the conducting a!ay o Triboulet, in his passing by hearkened a little to the discourse they !ere uponE then spoke out, saying, (o, Panurge, master reeman, take my %ord )ebitis at Calais alongst !ith you, or he is goud$ allot, a good

ello!. (e !ill not orget those !ho ha"e been debitorsE these are %anternes. Thus shall you not lack or both allot and lanterne. 5 may sa ely !ith the little skill 5 ha"e, >uoth Pantagruel, prognosticate that by the !ay !e shall engender no melancholy. 5 clearly percei"e it already. The only thing that "e?eth me is, that 5 cannot speak the %anternatory language. 5 shall, ans!ered Panurge, speak or you all. 5 understand it e"ery !hit as !ell as 5 do mine o!n maternal tongueE 5 ha"e been no less used to it than to the "ulgar French. BrisHmarg dalgotbrick nubstHne Hos. 5s>uebsH prus>& albok crin>s Hacbac. <iHbe dilbarskH morp nipp stancH bos, +trombtH, Panurge, !almap >uost grusHbac. 9o! guess, riend 1pistemon, !hat this is. They are, >uoth 1pistemon, names o errant de"ils, passant de"ils, and rampant de"ils. These !ords o thine, dear riend o mine, are true, >uoth PanurgeE yet are they terms used in the language o the court o the %anternish people. By the !ay, as !e go upon our journey, 5 !ill make to thee a pretty little dictionary, !hich, not!ithstanding, shall not last you much longer than a pair o ne! shoes. Thou shalt ha"e learned it sooner than thou canst percei"e the da!ning o the ne?t subse>uent morning. ;hat 5 ha"e said in the oregoing tetrastich is thus translated out o the %anternish tongue into our "ulgar dialect& *ll miseries attended me, !hilst 5 * lo"er !as, and had no good thereby. ' better luck the married people tellE Panurge is one o those, and kno!s it !ell. There is little more, then, >uoth Pantagruel, to be done, but that !e understand !hat the !ill o the king my ather !ill be therein, and purchase his consent.

Chapter C.I%=555. (o! Gargantua sho!eth that the children ought not to marry !ithout the special kno!ledge and ad"ice o their athers and mothers. 9o sooner had Pantagruel entered in at the door o the great hall o the castle, than that he encountered ull butt !ith the good honest Gargantua coming orth rom the council board, unto !hom he made a succinct and summary narrati"e o !hat had passed and occurred, !orthy o his obser"ation, in his tra"els abroad, since their last inter"ie!E then, ac>uainting him !ith the design he had in hand, besought him that it might stand !ith his good!ill and pleasure to grant him lea"e to prosecute and go through$stitch !ith the enterprise !hich he had undertaken. The good man Gargantua, ha"ing in one hand t!o great bundles o petitions endorsed and ans!ered, and in the other some remembrancing notes and bills, to put him in mind o such other re>uests o supplicants, !hich, albeit presented, had ne"ertheless been neither read nor heard, he ga"e both to 8lric Gallet, his ancient and aith ul <aster o Re>uestsE then dre! aside Pantagruel, and, !ith a countenance more serene and jo"ial than customary, spoke to him thus& 5 praise God, and ha"e great reason so to do, my most dear son, that he hath been pleased to entertain in you a constant inclination to "irtuous

actions. 5 am !ell content that the "oyage !hich you ha"e motioned to me be by you accomplished, but !ithal 5 could !ish you !ould ha"e a mind and desire to marry, or that 5 see you are o competent years. Panurge in the mean!hile !as in a readiness o preparing and pro"iding or remedies, sal"es, and cures against all such lets, obstacles, and impediments as he could in the height o his ancy concei"e might by Gargantua be cast in the !ay o their itinerary design. 5s it your pleasure, most dear ather, that you speakK ans!ered Pantagruel. For my part, 5 ha"e not yet thought upon it. 5n all this a air 5 !holly submit and rest in your good liking and paternal authority. For 5 shall rather pray unto God that he !ould thro! me do!n stark dead at your eet, in your pleasure, than that against your pleasure 5 should be ound married ali"e. 5 ne"er yet heard that by any la!, !hether sacred or pro ane, yea, amongst the rudest and most barbarous nations in the !orld, it !as allo!ed and appro"ed o that children may be su ered and tolerated to marry at their o!n good!ill and pleasure, !ithout the kno!ledge, ad"ice, or consent asked and had thereto o their athers, mothers, and nearest kindred. *ll legislators, e"ery!here upon the ace o the !hole earth, ha"e taken a!ay and remo"ed this licentious liberty rom children, and totally reser"ed it to the discretion o the parents. <y dearly belo"ed son, >uoth Gargantua, 5 belie"e you, and rom my heart thank God or ha"ing endo!ed you !ith the grace o ha"ing both a per ect notice o and entire liking to laudable and praise!orthy thingsE and that through the !indo!s o your e?terior senses he hath "ouchsa ed to transmit unto the interior aculties o your mind nothing but !hat is good and "irtuous. For in my time there hath been ound on the continent a certain country, !herein are 5 kno! not !hat kind o Pastophorian mole$catching priests, !ho, albeit a"erse rom engaging their proper persons into a matrimonial duty, like the ponti ical lamens o Cybele in Phrygia, as i they !ere capons, and not cocks ull o lasci"iousness, salacity, and !antonness, !ho yet ha"e, ne"ertheless, in the matter o conjugal a airs, taken upon them to prescribe la!s and ordinances to married olks. 5 cannot goodly determine !hat 5 should most abhor, detest, loathe, and abominate,$$!hether the tyrannical presumption o those dreaded sacerdotal mole$catchers, !ho, not being !illing to contain and coop up themsel"es !ithin the grates and trellises o their o!n mysterious temples, do deal in, meddle !ith, obtrude upon, and thrust their sickles into har"ests o secular businesses >uite contrary and diametrically opposite to the >uality, state, and condition o their callings, pro essions, and "ocationsE or the superstitious stupidity and senseless scrupulousness o married olks, !ho ha"e yielded obedience, and submitted their bodies, ortunes, and estates to the discretion and authority o such odious, per"erse, barbarous, and unreasonable la!s. 9or do they see that !hich is clearer than the light and splendour o the morning star,$$ho! all these nuptial and connubial sanctions, statutes, and ordinances ha"e been decreed, made, and instituted or the sole bene it, pro it, and ad"antage o the laminal mysts and mysterious lamens, and nothing at all or the good, utility, or emolument o the silly hood!inked married people. ;hich administereth unto others a su icient cause or rendering these churchmen suspicious o ini>uity, and o an unjust and raudulent manner o dealing, no more to be conni"ed at nor countenanced, a ter that it be !ell !eighed in the scales o reason, than i !ith a reciprocal temerity the laics, by !ay o compensation, !ould impose la!s to be ollo!ed and obser"ed by those mysts and lamens, ho! they should beha"e themsel"es in the making and per ormance o their rites and ceremonies, and a ter !hat manner they ought to proceed in the o ering up and immolating o their "arious oblations, "ictims, and sacri icesE seeing that, besides the decimation and

tithe$haling o their goods, they cut o and take parings, shreddings, and clippings o the gain proceeding rom the labour o their hands and s!eat o their bro!s, there!ith to entertain themsel"es the better. 8pon !hich consideration, in my opinion, their injunctions and commands !ould not pro"e so pernicious and impertinent as those o the ecclesiastic po!er unto !hich they had tendered their blind obedience. For, as you ha"e "ery !ell said, there is no place in the !orld !here, legally, a licence is granted to the children to marry !ithout the ad"ice and consent o their parents and kindred. 9e"ertheless, by those !icked la!s and mole$catching customs, !hereat there is a little hinted in !hat 5 ha"e already spoken to you, there is no scur"y, measly, leprous, or pocky ru ian, pander, kna"e, rogue, skellum, robber, or thie , pilloried, !hipped, and burn$marked in his o!n country or his crimes and elonies, !ho may not "iolently snatch a!ay and ra"ish !hat maid soe"er he had a mind to pitch upon, ho! noble, ho! air, ho! rich, honest, and chaste soe"er she be, and that out o the house o her o!n ather, in his o!n presence, rom the bosom o her mother, and in the sight and despite o her riends and kindred looking on a so !oe ul spectacle, pro"ided that the rascal "illain be so cunning as to associate unto himsel some mystical lamen, !ho, according to the co"enant made bet!i?t them t!o, shall be in hope some day to participate o the prey. Could the Goths, the +cyths, or <assagets do a !orse or more cruel act to any o the inhabitants o a hostile city, !hen, a ter the loss o many o their most considerable commanders, the e?pense o a great deal o money, and a long siege, they shall ha"e stormed and taken it by a "iolent and impetuous assaultK <ay not these athers and mothers, think you, be sorro! ul and hea"y$hearted !hen they see an unkno!n ello!, a "agabond stranger, a barbarous lout, a rude cur, rotten, leshless, putri ied, scraggy, boily, botchy, poor, a orlorn caiti and miserable sneak, by an open rapt snatch a!ay be ore their o!n eyes their so air, delicate, neat, !ell$beha"ioured, richly$pro"ided$ or and health ul daughters, on !hose breeding and education they had spared no cost nor charges, by bringing them up in an honest discipline to all the honourable and "irtuous employments becoming one o their se? descended o a noble parentage, hoping by those commendable and industrious means in an opportune and con"enient time to besto! them on the !orthy sons o their !ell$deser"ing neighbours and ancient riends, !ho had nourished, entertained, taught, instructed, and schooled their children !ith the same care and solicitude, to make them matches it to attain to the elicity o a so happy marriage, that rom them might issue an o spring and progeny no less heirs to the laudable endo!ments and e?>uisite >uali ications o their parents, !hom they e"ery !ay resemble, than to their personal and real estates, mo"ables, and inheritancesK (o! dole ul, trist, and plangorous !ould such a sight and pageantry pro"e unto themK #ou shall not need to think that the collachrymation o the Romans and their con ederates at the decease o Germanicus )rusus !as comparable to this lamentation o theirsK 9either !ould 5 ha"e you to belie"e that the discom ort and an?iety o the %acedaemonians, !hen the Greek (elen, by the per idiousness o the adulterous Trojan, Paris, !as pri"ily stolen a!ay out o their country, !as greater or more piti ul than this ruth ul and deplorable collugency o theirsK #ou may "ery !ell imagine that Ceres at the ra"ishment o her daughter Proserpina !as not more attristed, sad, nor mourn ul than they. Trust me, and your o!n reason, that the loss o 'siris !as not so regrettable to 5sis, nor did =enus so deplore the death o *donis, nor yet did (ercules so be!ail the straying o (ylas, nor !as the rapt o Poly?ena more throbbingly resented and condoled by Priamus and (ecuba, than this

a oresaid accident !ould be sympathetically bemoaned, grie"ous, ruth ul, and an?ious to the !oe ully desolate and disconsolate parents. 9ot!ithstanding all this, the greater part o so "ilely abused parents are so timorous and a raid o de"ils and hobgoblins, and so deeply plunged in superstition, that they dare not gainsay nor contradict, much less oppose and resist those unnatural and impious actions, !hen the mole$catcher hath been present at the perpetrating o the act, and a party contractor and co"enanter in that detestable bargain. ;hat do they do thenK They !retchedly stay at their o!n miserable homes, destitute o their !ell$belo"ed daughters, the athers cursing the days and the hours !herein they !ere married, and the mothers ho!ling and crying that it !as not their ortune to ha"e brought orth aborti"e issues !hen they happened to be deli"ered o such un ortunate girls, and in this piti ul plight spend at best the remainder o their time !ith tears and !eeping or those their children, o and rom !hom they e?pected, @and, !ith good reason, should ha"e obtained and reaped,D in these latter days o theirs, joy and com ort. 'ther parents there ha"e been, so impatient o that a ront and indignity put upon them and their amilies, that, transported !ith the e?tremity o passion, in a mad and rantic mood, through the "ehemency o a grie"ous ury and raging sorro!, ha"e dro!ned, hanged, killed, and other!ise put "iolent hands on themsel"es. 'thers, again, o that parental relation ha"e, upon the reception o the like injury, been o a more magnanimous and heroic spirit, !ho, in imitation and at the e?ample o the children o 7acob re"enging upon the +ichemites the rapt o their sister )inah, ha"ing ound the rascally ru ian in the association o his mystical mole$catcher closely and in hugger$mugger con erring, parleying, and coming !ith their daughters, or the suborning, corrupting, depra"ing, per"erting, and enticing these innocent une?perienced maids unto ilthy le!dnesses, ha"e, !ithout any urther ad"isement on the matter, cut them instantly into pieces, and thereupon orth!ith thro!n out upon the ields their so dismembered bodies, to ser"e or ood unto the !ol"es and ra"ens. 8pon the chi"alrous, bold, and courageous achie"ement o a so "aliant, stout, and manlike act, the other mole$catching symmysts ha"e been so highly incensed, and ha"e so cha ed, retted, and umed thereat, that, bills o complaint and accusations ha"ing been in a most odious and detestable manner put in be ore the competent judges, the arm o secular authority hath !ith much importunity and impetuosity been by them implored and re>uired, they proudly contending that the ser"ants o God !ould become contemptible i e?emplary punishment !ere not speedily taken upon the persons o the perpetrators o such an enormous, horrid, sacrilegious, crying, heinous, and e?ecrable crime. #et neither by natural e>uity, by the la! o nations, nor by any imperial la! !hatsoe"er, hath there been ound so much as one rubric, paragraph, point, or tittle, by the !hich any kind o chastisement or correction hath been adjudged due to be in licted upon any or their delin>uency in that kind. Reason opposeth, and nature is repugnant. For there is no "irtuous man in the !orld !ho both naturally and !ith good reason !ill not be more hugely troubled in mind, hearing o the ne!s o the rapt, disgrace, ignominy, and dishonour o his daughter, than o her death. 9o! any man, inding in hot blood one !ho !ith a orethought elony hath murdered his daughter, may, !ithout tying himsel to the ormalities and circumstances o a legal proceeding, kill him on a sudden and out o hand !ithout incurring any haHard o being attainted and apprehended by the o icers o justice or so doing. ;hat !onder is it thenK 'r ho! little strange should it appear to any rational man, i a lechering rogue, together !ith

his mole$catching abettor, be entrapped in the lagrant act o suborning his daughter, and stealing her out o his house, though hersel consent thereto, that the ather in such a case o stain and in amy by them brought upon his amily, should put them both to a shame ul death, and cast their carcasses upon dunghills to be de"oured and eaten up by dogs and s!ine, or other!ise ling them a little urther o to the direption, tearing, and rending asunder o their joints and members by the !ild beasts o the ield @as un!orthy to recei"e the gentle, the desired, the last kind embraces o the great *lma <ater, the earth, commonly called burialD. )early belo"ed son, ha"e an especial care that a ter my decease none o these la!s be recei"ed in any o your kingdomsE or !hilst 5 breathe, by the grace and assistance o God, 5 shall gi"e good order. +eeing, there ore, you ha"e totally re erred unto my discretion the disposure o you in marriage, 5 am ully o an opinion that 5 shall pro"ide su iciently !ell or you in that point. <ake ready and prepare yoursel or Panurge's "oyage. Take along !ith you 1pistemon, Friar 7ohn, and such others as you !ill choose. )o !ith my treasures !hat unto yoursel shall seem most e?pedient. 9one o your actions, 5 promise you, can in any manner o !ay displease me. Take out o my arsenal Thalasse !hatsoe"er e>uipage, urniture, or pro"ision you please, together !ith such pilots, mariners, and truchmen as you ha"e a mind to, and !ith the irst air and a"ourable !ind set sail and make out to sea in the name o God our +a"iour. 5n the mean!hile, during your absence, 5 shall not be neglecti"e o pro"iding a !i e or you, nor o those preparations !hich are re>uisite to be made or the more sumptuous solemniHing o your nuptials !ith a most splendid east, i e"er there !as any in the !orld, since the days o *hasuerus.

Chapter C.I%5I. (o! Pantagruel did put himsel in a readiness to go to seaE and o the herb named Pantagruelion. ;ithin "ery e! days a ter that Pantagruel had taken his lea"e o the good Gargantua, !ho de"outly prayed or his son's happy "oyage, he arri"ed at the seaport, near to +ammalo, accompanied !ith Panurge, 1pistemon, Friar 7ohn o the Funnels, *bbot o Theleme, and others o the royal house, especially !ith Ienomanes the great tra"eller and th!arter o dangerous !ays, !ho !as come at the bidding and appointment o Panurge, o !hose castle!ick o +almigondin he did hold some petty inheritance by the tenure o a mesne ee. Pantagruel, being come thither, prepared and made ready or launching a leet o ships, to the number o those !hich *ja? o +alamine had o old e>uipped in con"oy o the Grecian soldiery against the Trojan state. (e like!ise picked out or his use so many mariners, pilots, sailors, interpreters, arti icers, o icers, and soldiers, as he thought itting, and there!ithal made pro"ision o so much "ictuals o all sorts, artillery, munition o di"ers kinds, clothes, moneys, and other such luggage, stu , baggage, cha er, and urniture, as he deemed need ul or carrying on the design o a so tedious, long, and perilous "oyage. *mongst other things, it !as obser"ed ho! he caused some o his "essels to be raught and loaded !ith a great >uantity o an herb o his called Pantagruelion, not only o the green and ra! sort o it, but o the con ected also, and o that !hich !as notably !ell be itted or present use a ter the ashion o conser"es. The herb Pantagruelion hath a little root some!hat hard and rough, roundish, terminating in an obtuse and "ery blunt

point, and ha"ing some o its "eins, strings, or ilaments coloured !ith some spots o !hite, ne"er i?eth itsel into the ground abo"e the pro oundness almost o a cubit, or oot and a hal . From the root thereo proceedeth the only stalk, orbicular, cane$like, green !ithout, !hitish !ithin, and hollo! like the stem o smyrnium, olus atrum, beans, and gentian, ull o long threads, straight, easy to be broken, jagged, snipped, nicked, and notched a little a ter the manner o pillars and columns, slightly urro!ed, cham ered, guttered, and channelled, and ull o ibres, or hairs like strings, in !hich consisteth the chie "alue and dignity o the herb, especially in that part thereo !hich is termed mesa, as he !ould say the mean, and in that other, !hich hath got the denomination o milasea. 5ts height is commonly o i"e or si? oot. #et sometimes it is o such a tall gro!th as doth surpass the length o a lance, but that is only !hen it meeteth !ith a s!eet, easy, !arm, !et, and !ell$soaked soil$$as is the ground o the territory o 'lone, and that o Rasea, near to Preneste in +abinia$$and that it !ant not or rain enough about the season o the ishers' holidays and the esti"al solstice. There are many trees !hose height is by it "ery ar e?ceeded, and you might call it dendromalache by the authority o Theophrastus. The plant e"ery year perisheth,$$the tree neither in the trunk, root, bark, or boughs being durable. From the stalk o this Pantagruelian plant there issue orth se"eral large and great branches, !hose lea"es ha"e thrice as much length as breadth, al!ays green, roughish, and rugged like the orcanet, or +panish bugloss, hardish, slit round about like unto a sickle, or as the sa?i ragum, betony, and inally ending as it !ere in the points o a <acedonian spear, or o such a lancet as surgeons commonly make use o in their phlebotomiHing tiltings. The igure and shape o the lea"es thereo is not much di erent rom that o those o the ash$tree, or o agrimonyE the herb itsel being so like the 1upatorian plant that many skil ul herbalists ha"e called it the )omestic 1upator, and the 1upator the ;ild Pantagruelion. These lea"es are in e>ual and parallel distances spread around the stalk by the number in e"ery rank either o i"e or se"en, nature ha"ing so highly a"oured and cherished this plant that she hath richly adorned it !ith these t!o odd, di"ine, and mysterious numbers. The smell thereo is some!hat strong, and not "ery pleasing to nice, tender, and delicate noses. The seed enclosed therein mounteth up to the "ery top o its stalk, and a little abo"e it. This is a numerous herbE or there is no less abundance o it than o any other !hatsoe"er. +ome o these plants are spherical, some rhomboid, and some o an oblong shape, and all o those either black, bright$coloured, or ta!ny, rude to the touch, and mantled !ith a >uickly$blasted$a!ay coat, yet such a one as is o a delicious taste and sa"our to all shrill and s!eetly$singing birds, such as linnets, gold inches, larks, canary birds, yello!$hammers, and others o that airy chirping choirE but it !ould >uite e?tinguish the natural heat and procreati"e "irtue o the semence o any man !ho !ould eat much and o ten o it. *nd although that o old amongst the Greeks there !as certain kinds o ritters and pancakes, buns and tarts, made thereo , !hich commonly or a li>uorish daintiness !ere presented on the table a ter supper to delight the palate and make the !ine relish the betterE yet is it o a di icult concoction, and o ensi"e to the stomach. For it engendereth bad and un!holesome blood, and !ith its e?orbitant heat !oundeth them !ith grie"ous, hurt ul, smart, and noisome "apours. *nd, as in di"ers plants and trees there are t!o se?es, male and emale, !hich is perceptible in laurels, palms, cypresses, oaks, holms, the da odil, mandrake, ern, the agaric, mushroom, birth!ort, turpentine,

pennyroyal, peony, rose o the mount, and many other such like, e"en so in this herb there is a male !hich beareth no lo!er at all, yet it is "ery copious o and abundant in seed. There is like!ise in it a emale, !hich hath great store and plenty o !hitish lo!ers, ser"iceable to little or no purpose, nor doth it carry in it seed o any !orth at all, at least comparable to that o the male. 5t hath also a larger lea , and much so ter than that o the male, nor doth it altogether gro! to so great a height. This Pantagruelion is to be so!n at the irst coming o the s!allo!s, and is to be plucked out o the ground !hen the grasshoppers begin to be a little hoarse.

Chapter C.%. (o! the amous Pantagruelion ought to be prepared and !rought. The herb Pantagruelion, in +eptember, under the autumnal e>uino?, is dressed and prepared se"eral !ays, according to the "arious ancies o the people and di"ersity o the climates !herein it gro!eth. The irst instruction !hich Pantagruel ga"e concerning it !as to di"est and despoil the stalk and stem thereo o all its lo!ers and seeds, to macerate and morti y it in pond, pool, or lake !ater, !hich is to be made run a little or i"e days together @Properly$$'lake !ater, !hich is to be made stagnant, not current, or i"e days together.'$$<.D i the season be dry and the !ater hot, or or ull nine or t!el"e days i the !eather be cloudish and the !ater cold. Then must it be parched be ore the sun till it be drained o its moisture. * ter this it is in the shado!, !here the sun shines not, to be peeled and its rind pulled o . Then are the ibres and strings thereo to be parted, !herein, as !e ha"e already said, consisteth its prime "irtue, price, and e icacy, and se"ered rom the !oody part thereo , !hich is unpro itable, and ser"eth hardly to any other use than to make a clear and glistering blaHe, to kindle the ire, and or the play, pastime, and disport o little children, to blo! up hogs' bladders and make them rattle. <any times some use is made thereo by tippling s!eet$lipped bibbers, !ho out o it rame >uills and pipes, through !hich they !ith their li>uor$attracti"e breath suck up the ne! dainty !ine rom the bung o the barrel. +ome modern Pantagruelists, to shun and a"oid that manual labour !hich such a separating and partitional !ork !ould o necessity re>uire, employ certain cataractic instruments, composed and ormed a ter the same manner that the ro!ard, pettish, and angry 7uno did hold the ingers o both her hands inter!o"enly clenched together !hen she !ould ha"e hindered the childbirth deli"ery o *lcmena at the nati"ity o (erculesE and ath!art those cataracts they break and bruise to "ery trash the !oody parcels, thereby to preser"e the better the ibres, !hich are the precious and e?cellent parts. 5n and !ith this sole operation do these ac>uiesce and are contented, !ho, contrary to the recei"ed opinion o the !hole earth, and in a manner parado?ical to all philosophers, gain their li"elihoods back!ards, and by recoiling. But those that lo"e to hold it at a higher rate, and priHe it according to its "alue, or their o!n greater pro it do the "ery same !hich is told us o the recreation o the three atal sister Parcae, or o the nocturnal e?ercise o the noble Circe, or yet o the e?cuse !hich Penelope made to her ond !ooing youngsters and e eminate courtiers during the long absence o her husband 8lysses. By these means is this herb put into a !ay to display its inestimable

"irtues, !hereo 5 !ill disco"er a partE or to relate all is a thing impossible to do. 5 ha"e already interpreted and e?posed be ore you the denomination thereo . 5 ind that plants ha"e their names gi"en and besto!ed upon them a ter se"eral !ays. +ome got the name o him !ho irst ound them out, kne! them, so!ed them, impro"ed them by culture, >uali ied them to tractability, and appropriated them to the uses and subser"iences they !ere it or, as the <ercuriale rom <ercuryE Panacea rom Panace, the daughter o *esculapiusE *rmois rom *rtemis, !ho is )ianaE 1upatoria rom the king 1upatorE Telephion rom TelephusE 1uphorbium rom 1uphorbus, :ing 7uba's physicianE Clymenos rom ClymenusE *lcibiadium rom *lcibiadesE Gentiane rom Gentius, :ing o +cla"onia, and so orth, through a great many other herbs or plants. Truly, in ancient times this prerogati"e o imposing the in"entor's name upon an herb ound out by him !as held in a so great account and estimation, that, as a contro"ersy arose bet!i?t 9eptune and Pallas rom !hich o them t!o that land should recei"e its denomination !hich had been e>ually ound out by them both together$$though therea ter it !as called and had the appellation o *thens, rom *thene, !hich is <iner"a$$just so !ould %ynceus, :ing o +cythia, ha"e treacherously slain the young Triptolemus, !hom Ceres had sent to sho! unto mankind the in"ention o corn, !hich until then had been utterly unkno!n, to the end that, a ter the murder o the messenger, !hose death he made account to ha"e kept secret, he might, by imposing, !ith the less suspicion o alse dealing, his o!n name upon the said ound out seed, ac>uire unto himsel an immortal honour and glory or ha"ing been the in"entor o a grain so pro itable and necessary to and or the use o human li e. For the !ickedness o !hich treasonable attempt he !as by Ceres trans ormed into that !ild beast !hich by some is called a lyn? and by others an ounce. +uch also !as the ambition o others upon the like occasion, as appeareth by that "ery sharp !ars and o a long continuance ha"e been made o old bet!i?t some residentiary kings in Cappadocia upon this only debate, o !hose name a certain herb should ha"e the appellationE by reason o !hich di erence, so troublesome and e?pensi"e to them all, it !as by them called Polemonion, and by us or the same cause termed <ake$bate. 'ther herbs and plants there are !hich retain the names o the countries rom !hence they !ere transported, as the <edian apples rom <edia, !here they irst gre!E Punic apples rom Punicia, that is to say, CarthageE %igusticum, !hich !e call lo"age, rom %iguria, the coast o GenoaE Rhubarb rom a lood in Barbary, as *mmianus attesteth, called RuE +antonica rom a region o that nameE Fenugreek rom GreeceE Gastanes rom a country so calledE Persicaria rom PersiaE +abine rom a territory o that appellationE +taechas rom the +taechad 5slandsE +pica Celtica rom the land o the Celtic Gauls, and so throughout a great many other, !hich !ere tedious to enumerate. +ome others, again, ha"e obtained their denominations by !ay o antiphrasis, or contrarietyE as *bsinth, because it is contrary to Psinthos, or it is bitter to the taste in drinkingE (olosteon, as i it !ere all bones, !hilst, on the contrary, there is no railer, tenderer, nor brittler herb in the !hole production o nature than it. There are some other sorts o herbs !hich ha"e got their names rom their "irtues and operations, as *ristolochia, because it helpeth !omen in childbirthE %ichen, or that it cureth the disease o that nameE <allo!, because it molli iethE Callithricum, because it maketh the hair o a bright colourE *lyssum, 1phemerum, Bechium, 9asturtium, *neban @(enbaneD, and so orth through many more.

'ther some there are !hich ha"e obtained their names rom the admirable >ualities that are ound to be in them, as (eliotropium, !hich is the marigold, because it ollo!eth the sun, so that at the sun rising it displayeth and spreads itsel out, at his ascending it mounteth, at his declining it !aneth, and !hen he is set it is close shutE *dianton, because, although it gro! near unto !atery places, and albeit you should let it lie in !ater a long time, it !ill ne"ertheless retain no moisture nor humidityE (ierachia, 1ringium, and so throughout a great many more. There are also a great many herbs and plants !hich ha"e retained the "ery same names o the men and !omen !ho ha"e been metamorphosed and trans ormed in them, as rom )aphne the laurel is called also )aphneE <yrrh rom <yrrha, the daughter o CinarusE Pythis rom PythisE Cinara, !hich is the artichoke, rom one o that nameE 9arcissus, !ith +a ron, +mila?, and di"ers others. <any herbs like!ise ha"e got their names o those things !hich they seem to ha"e some resemblance toE as (ippuris, because it hath the likeness o a horse's tailE *lopecuris, because it representeth in similitude the tail o a o?E Psyllion, rom a lea !hich it resemblethE )elphinium, or that it is like a dolphin ishE Bugloss is so called because it is an herb like an o?'s tongueE 5ris, so called because in its lo!ers it hath some resemblance o the rainbo!E <yosota, because it is like the ear o a mouseE Coronopus, or that it is o the likeness o a cro!'s oot. * great many other such there are, !hich here to recite !ere needless. Furthermore, as there are herbs and plants !hich ha"e had their names rom those o men, so by a reciprocal denomination ha"e the surnames o many amilies taken their origin rom them, as the Fabii, a abis, beansE the Pisons, a pisis, peasE the %entuli rom lentilsE the CiceronsE a ciceribus, "el ciceris, a sort o pulse called chickpease, and so orth. 5n some plants and herbs the resemblance or likeness hath been taken rom a higher mark or object, as !hen !e say =enus' na"el, =enus' hair, =enus' tub, 7upiter's beard, 7upiter's eye, <ars' blood, the (ermodactyl or <ercury's ingers, !hich are all o them names o herbs, as there are a great many more o the like appellation. 'thers, again, ha"e recei"ed their denomination rom their orms, such as the Tre oil, because it is three$lea"edE Pentaphylon, or ha"ing i"e lea"esE +erpolet, because it creepeth along the groundE (el?ine, Petast, <yrobalon, !hich the *rabians called Been, as i you !ould say an acorn, or it hath a kind o resemblance thereto, and !ithal is "ery oily.

Chapter C.%5. ;hy it is called Pantagruelion, and o the admirable "irtues thereo . By such$like means o attaining to a denomination$$the abulous !ays being only rom thence e?cepted, or the %ord orbid that !e should make use o any ables in this a so "eritable history$$is this herb called Pantagruelion, or Pantagruel !as the in"entor thereo . 5 do not say o the plant itsel , but o a certain use !hich it ser"es or, e?ceeding odious and hate ul to thie"es and robbers, unto !hom it is more contrarious and hurt ul than the strangle$!eed and choke itch is to the la?, the cats$tail to the brakes, the shea"e$grass to the mo!ers o hay, the itches to the chickney$pease, the darnel to barley, the hatchet$ itch to the lentil pulse, the antramium to the beans, tares to !heat, i"y to !alls, the !ater$lily to lecherous monks, the birchen rod to the scholars o the

college o 9a"arre in Paris, cole!ort to the "ine$tree, garlic to the loadstone, onions to the sight, ern$seed to !omen !ith child, !illo!$grain to "icious nuns, the ye!$tree shade to those that sleep under it, !ol sbane to !ol"es and libbards, the smell o ig$tree to mad bulls, hemlock to goslings, purslane to the teeth, or oil to trees. For !e ha"e seen many o those rogues, by "irtue and right application o this herb, inish their li"es short and long, a ter the manner o Phyllis, Jueen o Thracia, o Bonosus, 1mperor o Rome, o *mata, :ing %atinus's !i e, o 5phis, *utolycus, %ycambe, *rachne, Phaedra, %eda, *chius, :ing o %ydia, and many thousands more, !ho !ere chie ly angry and "e?ed at this disaster therein, that, !ithout being other!ise sick or e"il$disposed in their bodies, by a touch only o the Pantagruelion they came on a sudden to ha"e the passage obstructed, and their pipes, through !hich !ere !ont to bolt so many jolly sayings and to enter so many luscious morsels, stopped, more cle"erly than e"er could ha"e done the s>uinancy. 'thers ha"e been heard most !oe ully to lament, at the "ery instant !hen *tropos !as about to cut the thread o their li e, that Pantagruel held them by the gorge. But, !ell$a$day, it !as not PantagruelE he ne"er !as an e?ecutioner. 5t !as the Pantagruelion, manu actured and ashioned into an halterE and ser"ing in the place and o ice o a cra"at. 5n that, "erily, they soleciHed and spoke improperly, unless you !ould e?cuse them by a trope, !hich allo!eth us to posit the in"entor in the place o the thing in"ented, as !hen Ceres is taken or bread, and Bacchus put instead o !ine. 5 s!ear to you here, by the good and rolic !ords !hich are to issue out o that !ine$bottle !hich is a$cooling belo! in the copper "essel ull o ountain !ater, that the noble Pantagruel ne"er snatched any man by the throat, unless it !as such a one as !as altogether careless and neglecti"e o those ob"iating remedies !hich !ere pre"enti"e o the thirst to come. 5t is also termed Pantagruelion by a similitude. For Pantagruel, at the "ery irst minute o his birth, !as no less tall than this herb is long !hereo 5 speak unto you, his measure ha"ing been then taken the more easy that he !as born in the season o the great drought, !hen they !ere busiest in the gathering o the said herb, to !it, at that time !hen 5carus's dog, !ith his iery ba!ling and barking at the sun, maketh the !hole !orld Troglodytic, and en orceth people e"ery!here to hide themsel"es in dens and subterranean ca"es. 5t is like!ise called Pantagruelion because o the notable and singular >ualities, "irtues, and properties thereo . For as Pantagruel hath been the idea, pattern, prototype, and e?emplary o all jo"ial per ection and accomplishment$$in the truth !hereo 5 belie"e there is none o you gentlemen drinkers that putteth any >uestion$$so in this Pantagruelion ha"e 5 ound so much e icacy and energy, so much completeness and e?cellency, so much e?>uisiteness and rarity, and so many admirable e ects and operations o a transcendent nature, that i the !orth and "irtue thereo had been kno!n !hen those trees, by the relation o the prophet, made election o a !ooden king to rule and go"ern o"er them, it !ithout all doubt !ould ha"e carried a!ay rom all the rest the plurality o "otes and su rages. +hall 5 yet say moreK 5 '?ylus, the son o 'rius, had begotten this plant upon his sister (amadryas, he had taken more delight in the "alue and per ection o it alone than in all his eight children, so highly reno!ned by our ablest mythologians that they ha"e sedulously recommended their names to the ne"er$ ailing tuition o an eternal remembrance. The eldest child !as a daughter, !hose name !as =ineE the ne?t born !as a boy, and his name !as Fig$treeE the third !as called ;alnut$treeE the ourth 'akE the

i th +orbapple$treeE the si?th *shE the se"enth Poplar, and the last had the name o 1lm, !ho !as the greatest surgeon in his time. 5 shall orbear to tell you ho! the juice or sap thereo , being poured and distilled !ithin the ears, killeth e"ery kind o "ermin that by any manner o putre action cometh to be bred and engendered there, and destroyeth also any !hatsoe"er other animal that shall ha"e entered in thereat. 5 , like!ise, you put a little o the said juice !ithin a pail or bucket ull o !ater, you shall see the !ater instantly turn and gro! thick there!ith as i it !ere milk$curds, !hereo the "irtue is so great that the !ater thus curded is a present remedy or horses subject to the colic, and such as strike at their o!n lanks. The root thereo !ell boiled molli ieth the joints, so teneth the hardness o shrunk$in sine!s, is e"ery !ay com ortable to the ner"es, and good against all cramps and con"ulsions, as like!ise all cold and knotty gouts. 5 you !ould speedily heal a burning, !hether occasioned by !ater or ire, apply thereto a little ra! Pantagruelion, that is to say, take it so as it cometh out o the ground, !ithout besto!ing any other preparation or composition upon itE but ha"e a special care to change it or some resher in lieu thereo as soon as you shall ind it !a?ing dry upon the sore. ;ithout this herb kitchens !ould be detested, the tables o dining$rooms abhorred, although there !ere great plenty and "ariety o most dainty and sumptuous dishes o meat set do!n upon them, and the choicest beds also, ho! richly soe"er adorned !ith gold, sil"er, amber, i"ory, porphyry, and the mi?ture o most precious metals, !ould !ithout it yield no delight or pleasure to the reposers in them. ;ithout it millers could neither carry !heat, nor any other kind o corn to the mill, nor !ould they be able to bring back rom thence lour, or any other sort o meal !hatsoe"er. ;ithout it, ho! could the papers and !rits o la!yers' clients be brought to the barK +eldom is the mortar, lime, or plaster brought to the !orkhouse !ithout it. ;ithout it, ho! should the !ater be got out o a dra!$!ellK 5n !hat case !ould tabellions, notaries, copists, makers o counterpanes, !riters, clerks, secretaries, scri"eners, and such$like persons be !ithout itK ;ere it not or it, !hat !ould become o the toll$rates and rent$rollsK ;ould not the noble art o printing perish !ithout itK ;hereo could the chassis or paper$!indo!s be madeK (o! should the bells be rungK The altars o 5sis are adorned there!ith, the Pastophorian priests are there!ith clad and accoutred, and !hole human nature co"ered and !rapped therein at its irst position and production in and into this !orld. *ll the lani ic trees o +eres, the bumbast and cotton bushes in the territories near the Persian +ea and Gul o Bengala, the *rabian s!ans, together !ith the plants o <alta, do not all the them clothe, attire, and apparel so many persons as this one herb alone. +oldiers are no!adays much better sheltered under it than they !ere in ormer times, !hen they lay in tents co"ered !ith skins. 5t o"ershado!s the theatres and amphitheatres rom the heat o a scorching sun. 5t begirdeth and encompasseth orests, chases, parks, copses, and gro"es, or the pleasure o hunters. 5t descendeth into the salt and resh o both sea and ri"er$!aters or the pro it o ishers. By it are boots o all siHes, buskins, gamashes, brodkins, gambadoes, shoes, pumps, slippers, and e"ery cobbled !are !rought and made steadable or the use o man. By it the butt and ro"er$bo!s are strung, the crossbo!s bended, and the slings made i?ed. *nd, as i it !ere an herb e"ery !hit as holy as the "er"ain, and re"erenced by ghosts, spirits, hobgoblins, iends, and phantoms, the bodies o deceased men are ne"er buried !ithout it. 5 !ill proceed yet urther. By the means o this ine herb the in"isible

substances are "isibly stopped, arrested, taken, detained, and prisoner$like committed to their recepti"e gaols. (ea"y and ponderous !eights are by it hea"ed, li ted up, turned, "eered, dra!n, carried, and e"ery !ay mo"ed >uickly, nimbly, and easily, to the great pro it and emolument o humankind. ;hen 5 perpend !ith mysel these and such$like mar"ellous e ects o this !onder ul herb, it seemeth strange unto me ho! the in"ention o so use ul a practice did escape through so many by$past ages the kno!ledge o the ancient philosophers, considering the inestimable utility !hich rom thence proceeded, and the immense labour !hich !ithout it they did undergo in their pristine elucubrations. By "irtue thereo , through the retention o some aerial gusts, are the huge rambarges, mighty galleons, the large loats, the Chiliander, the <yriander ships launched rom their stations and set a$going at the pleasure and arbitrament o their rulers, conders, and steersmen. By the help thereo those remote nations !hom nature seemed so un!illing to ha"e disco"ered to us, and so desirous to ha"e kept them still in abscondito and hidden rom us, that the !ays through !hich their countries !ere to be reached unto !ere not only totally unkno!n, but judged also to be altogether impermeable and inaccessible, are no! arri"ed to us, and !e to them. Those "oyages outreached lights o birds and ar surpassed the scope o eathered o!ls, ho! s!i t soe"er they had been on the !ing, and not!ithstanding that ad"antage !hich they ha"e o us in s!imming through the air. Taproban hath seen the heaths o %apland, and both the 7a"as and Riphaean mountainsE !ide distant Phebol shall see Theleme, and the 5slanders drink o the lood 1uphrates. By it the chill$mouthed Boreas hath sur"eyed the parched mansions o the torrid *uster, and 1urus "isited the regions !hich Oephyrus hath under his commandE yea, in such sort ha"e inter"ie!s been made by the assistance o this sacred herb, that, maugre longitudes and latitudes, and all the "ariations o the Hones, the Periaecian people, and *ntoecian, *mphiscian, (eteroscian, and Periscian had o t rendered and recei"ed mutual "isits to and rom other, upon all the climates. These strange e?ploits bred such astonishment to the celestial intelligences, to all the marine and terrestrial gods, that they !ere on a sudden all a raid. From !hich amaHement, !hen they sa! ho!, by means o this blest Pantagruelion, the *rctic people looked upon the *ntarctic, scoured the *tlantic 'cean, passed the tropics, pushed through the torrid Hone, measured all the Hodiac, sported under the e>uinoctial, ha"ing both poles le"el !ith their horiHon, they judged it high time to call a council or their o!n sa ety and preser"ation. The 'lympic gods, being all and each o them a righted at the sight o such achie"ements, said& Pantagruel hath shapen !ork enough or us, and put us more to a plunge and nearer our !its' end by this sole herb o his than did o old the *loidae by o"erturning mountains. (e "ery speedily is to be married, and shall ha"e many children by his !i e. 5t lies not in our po!er to oppose this destinyE or it hath passed through the hands and spindles o the Fatal +isters, necessity's ine?orable daughters. ;ho kno!s but by his sons may be ound out an herb o such another "irtue and prodigious energy, as that by the aid thereo , in using it aright according to their ather's skill, they may contri"e a !ay or humankind to pierce into the high aerian clouds, get up unto the springhead o the hail, take an inspection o the sno!y sources, and shut and open as they please the sluices rom !hence proceed the loodgates o the rainE then, prosecuting their aethereal "oyage, they may step in unto the lightning !orkhouse and shop, !here all the thunderbolts are orged, !here, seiHing on the magaHine o hea"en and storehouse o our !arlike ire$munition, they may discharge a

bouncing peal or t!o o thundering ordnance or joy o their arri"al to these ne! supernal places, and, charging those tonitrual guns a resh, turn the !hole orce o that artillery against oursel"es !herein !e most con ided. Then is it like they !ill set or!ard to in"ade the territories o the <oon, !hence, passing through both <ercury and =enus, the +un !ill ser"e them or a torch, to sho! the !ay rom <ars to 7upiter and +aturn. ;e shall not then be able to resist the impetuosity o their intrusion, nor put a stoppage to their entering in at all, !hate"er regions, domiciles, or mansions o the spangled irmament they shall ha"e any mind to see, to stay in, to tra"el through or their recreation. *ll the celestial signs together, !ith the constellations o the i?ed stars, !ill jointly be at their de"otion then. +ome !ill take up their lodging at the Ram, some at the Bull, and others at the T!insE some at the Crab, some at the %ion 5nn, and others at the sign o the =irginE some at the Balance, others at the +corpion, and others !ill be >uartered at the *rcherE some !ill be harboured at the Goat, some at the ;ater$pourer's sign, some at the FishesE some !ill lie at the Cro!n, some at the (arp, some at the Golden 1agle and the )olphinE some at the Flying (orse, some at the +hip, some at the great, some at the little BearE and so throughout the glistening hostelries o the !hole t!inkling asteristic !elkin. There !ill be sojourners come rom the earth, !ho, longing a ter the taste o the s!eet cream, o their o!n skimming o , rom the best milk o all the dairy o the Gala?y, !ill set themsel"es at table do!n !ith us, drink o our nectar and ambrosia, and take to their o!n beds at night or !i"es and concubines our airest goddesses, the only means !hereby they can be dei ied. * junto hereupon being con"ocated, the better to consult upon the manner o ob"iating a so dread ul danger, 7o"e, sitting in his presidential throne, asked the "otes o all the other gods, !hich, a ter a pro ound deliberation amongst themsel"es on all contingencies, they reely ga"e at last, and then resol"ed unanimously to !ithstand the shocks o all !hatsoe"er sublunary assaults.

Chapter C.%55. (o! a certain kind o Pantagruelion is o that nature that the ire is not able to consume it. 5 ha"e already related to you great and admirable thingsE but, i you might be induced to ad"enture upon the haHard o belie"ing some other di"inity o this sacred Pantagruelion, 5 "ery !illingly !ould tell it you. Belie"e it, i you !ill, or other!ise, belie"e it not, 5 care not !hich o them you do, they are both alike to me. 5t shall be su icient or my purpose to ha"e told you the truth, and the truth 5 !ill tell you. But to enter in thereat, because it is o a knaggy, di icult, and rugged access, this is the >uestion !hich 5 ask o you. 5 5 had put !ithin this bottle t!o pints, the one o !ine and the other o !ater, thoroughly and e?actly mingled together, ho! !ould you unmi? themK * ter !hat manner !ould you go about to se"er them, and separate the one li>uor rom the other, in such sort that you render me the !ater apart, ree rom the !ine, and the !ine also pure, !ithout the intermi?ture o one drop o !ater, and both o them in the same measure, >uantity, and taste that 5 had embottled themK 'r, to state the >uestion other!ise. 5 your carmen and mariners, entrusted or the pro"ision o your houses !ith the bringing o a certain considerable number o tuns, puncheons, pipes, barrels, and hogsheads o Gra"es !ine, or o the !ine o 'rleans, Beaune, and <ire"eau?, should drink out the hal ,

and a ter!ards !ith !ater ill up the other empty hal"es o the "essels as ull as be ore, as the %imosins use to do in their carriages by !ains and carts o the !ines o *rgenton and +angaultierE a ter that, ho! !ould you part the !ater rom the !ine, and puri y them both in such a caseK 5 understand you !ell enough. #our meaning is, that 5 must do it !ith an i"y unnel. That is !ritten, it is true, and the "erity thereo e?plored by a thousand e?perimentsE you ha"e learned to do this eat be ore, 5 see it. But those that ha"e ne"er kno!n it, nor at any time ha"e seen the like, !ould hardly belie"e that it !ere possible. %et us ne"ertheless proceed. But put the case, !e !ere no! li"ing in the age o +ylla, <arius, Caesar, and other such Roman emperors, or that !e !ere in the time o our ancient )ruids, !hose custom !as to burn and calcine the dead bodies o their parents and lords, and that you had a mind to drink the ashes or cinders o your !i"es or athers in the in used li>uor o some good !hite$!ine, as *rtemisia drunk the dust and ashes o her husband <ausolusE or other!ise, that you did determine to ha"e them reser"ed in some ine urn or reli>uary potE ho! !ould you sa"e the ashes apart, and separate them rom those other cinders and ashes into !hich the uel o the uneral and bustuary ire hath been con"ertedK *ns!er, i you can. By my iggins, 5 belie"e it !ill trouble you so to do. ;ell, 5 !ill despatch, and tell you that, i you take o this celestial Pantagruelion so much as is need ul to co"er the body o the de unct, and a ter that you shall ha"e en!rapped and bound therein as hard and closely as you can the corpse o the said deceased persons, and se!ed up the olding$sheet !ith thread o the same stu , thro! it into the ire, ho! great or ardent soe"er it be it matters not a stra!, the ire through this Pantagruelion !ill burn the body and reduce to ashes the bones thereo , and the Pantagruelion shall be not only not consumed nor burnt, but also shall neither lose one atom o the ashes enclosed !ithin it, nor recei"e one atom o the huge bustuary heap o ashes resulting rom the blaHing con lagration o things combustible laid round about it, but shall at last, !hen taken out o the ire, be airer, !hiter, and much cleaner than !hen you did put it in at irst. There ore it is called *sbeston, !hich is as much to say as incombustible. Great plenty is to be ound thereo in Carpasia, as like!ise in the climate )ia +ienes, at "ery easy rates. ' ho! rare and admirable a thing it is, that the ire !hich de"oureth, consumeth, and destroyeth all such things else, should cleanse, purge, and !hiten this sole Pantagruelion Carpasian *sbestonL 5 you mistrust the "erity o this relation, and demand or urther con irmation o my assertion a "isible sign, as the 7e!s and such incredulous in idels use to do, take a resh egg, and orbicularly, or rather o"ally, en old it !ithin this di"ine Pantagruelion. ;hen it is so !rapped up, put it in the hot embers o a ire, ho! great or ardent soe"er it be, and ha"ing le t it there as long as you !ill, you shall at last, at your taking it out o the ire, ind the egg roasted hard, and as it !ere burnt, !ithout any alteration, change, mutation, or so much as a cale action o the sacred Pantagruelion. For less than a million o pounds sterling, modi ied, taken do!n, and amoderated to the t!el th part o one ourpence hal penny arthing, you are able to put it to a trial and make proo thereo . )o not think to o"ermatch me here, by paragoning !ith it in the !ay o a more eminent comparison the +alamander. That is a ibE or, albeit a little ordinary ire, such as is used in dining$rooms and chambers, gladden, cheer up, e?hilarate, and >uicken it, yet may 5 !arrantably enough assure that in the laming ire o a urnace it !ill, like any other

animated creature, be >uickly su ocated, choked, consumed, and destroyed. ;e ha"e seen the e?periment thereo , and Galen many ages ago hath clearly demonstrated and con irmed it, %ib. C, )e temperamentis, and )ioscorides maintaineth the same doctrine, %ib. -. )o not here instance in competition !ith this sacred herb the eather alum or the !ooden to!er o Pyraeus, !hich %ucius +ylla !as ne"er able to get burntE or that *rchelaus, go"ernor o the to!n or <ithridates, :ing o Pontus, had plastered it all o"er on the outside !ith the said alum. 9or !ould 5 ha"e you to compare there!ith the herb !hich *le?ander Cornelius called 1onem, and said that it had some resemblance !ith that oak !hich bears the mistletoe, and that it could neither be consumed nor recei"e any manner o prejudice by ire nor by !ater, no more than the mistletoe, o !hich !as built, said he, the so reno!ned ship *rgos. +earch !here you please or those that !ill belie"e it. 5 in that point desire to be e?cused. 9either !ould 5 !ish you to parallel there!ith$$although 5 cannot deny but that it is o a "ery mar"ellous nature$$that sort o tree !hich gro!eth alongst the mountains o Brianson and *mbrun, !hich produceth out o his root the good agaric. From its body it yieldeth unto us a so e?cellent rosin, that Galen hath been bold to e>ual it to the turpentine. 8pon the delicate lea"es thereo it retaineth or our use that s!eet hea"enly honey !hich is called the manna, and, although it be o a gummy, oily, at, and greasy substance, it is, not!ithstanding, unconsumable by any ire. 5t is in Greek and %atin called %ari?. The *lpinese name is <elHe. The *ntenorides and =enetians term it %aregeE !hich ga"e occasion to that castle in Piedmont to recei"e the denomination o %arignum, by putting 7ulius Caesar to a stand at his return rom amongst the Gauls. 7ulius Caesar commanded all the yeomen, boors, hinds, and other inhabitants in, near unto, and about the *lps and Piedmont, to bring all manner o "ictuals and pro"ision or an army to those places !hich on the military road he had appointed to recei"e them or the use o his marching soldiery. To !hich ordinance all o them !ere obedient, sa"e only those as !ere !ithin the garrison o %arignum, !ho, trusting in the natural strength o the place, !ould not pay their contribution. The emperor, purposing to chastise them or their re usal, caused his !hole army to march straight to!ards that castle, be ore the gate !hereo !as erected a to!er built o huge big spars and ra ters o the larch$tree, ast bound together !ith pins and pegs o the same !ood, and interchangeably laid on one another, a ter the ashion o a pile or stack o timber, set up in the abric thereo to such an apt and con"enient height that rom the parapet abo"e the portcullis they thought !ith stones and le"ers to beat o and dri"e a!ay such as should approach thereto. ;hen Caesar had understood that the chie de ence o those !ithin the castle did consist in stones and clubs, and that it !as not an easy matter to sling, hurl, dart, thro!, or cast them so ar as to hinder the approaches, he orth!ith commanded his men to thro! great store o ba"ins, aggots, and ascines round about the castle, and !hen they had made the heap o a competent height, to put them all in a air ireE !hich !as thereupon incontinently done. The ire put amidst the aggots !as so great and so high that it co"ered the !hole castle, that they might !ell imagine the to!er !ould thereby be altogether burnt to dust, and demolished. 9e"ertheless, contrary to all their hopes and e?pectations, !hen the lame ceased, and that the aggots !ere >uite burnt and consumed, the to!er appeared as !hole, sound, and entire as e"er. Caesar, a ter a serious consideration had thereo , commanded a compass to be taken !ithout the distance o a stone cast rom the castle round about it there, !ith ditches

and entrenchments to orm a blockadeE !hich !hen the %arignans understood, they rendered themsel"es upon terms. *nd then by a relation rom them it !as that Caesar learned the admirable nature and "irtue o this !ood, !hich o itsel produceth neither ire, lame, nor coal, and !ould, there ore, in regard o that rare >uality o incombustibility, ha"e been admitted into this rank and degree o a true Pantagruelional plantE and that so much the rather, or that Pantagruel directed that all the gates, doors, angiports, !indo!s, gutters, retticed and embo!ed ceilings, cans, @cantsKD and other !hatsoe"er !ooden urniture in the abbey o Theleme, should be all materiated o this kind o timber. (e like!ise caused to co"er there!ith the sterns, stems, cook$rooms or laps, hatches, decks, courses, bends, and !alls o his carricks, ships, galleons, galleys, brigantines, oists, rigates, crears, bar>ues, loats, pinks, pinnaces, hoys, ketches, capers, and other "essels o his Thalassian arsenalE !ere it not that the !ood or timber o the larch$tree, being put !ithin a large and ample urnace ull o huge "ehemently laming ire proceeding rom the uel o other sorts and kinds o !ood, cometh at last to be corrupted, consumed, dissipated, and destroyed, as are stones in a lime$kiln. But this Pantagruelion *sbeston is rather by the ire rene!ed and cleansed than by the lames thereo consumed or changed. There ore, *rabians, 5ndians, +abaeans, +ing not, in hymns and 5o Paeans, #our incense, myrrh, or ebony. Come here, a nobler plant to see, *nd carry home, at any rate, +ome seed, that you may propagate. 5 in your soil it takes, to hea"en * thousand thousand thanks be gi"enE *nd say !ith France, it goodly goes, ;here the Pantagruelion gro!s. 19) 'F B'': 555 B'': 5=. T(1 F'8RT( B'': The Translator's Pre ace. Reader,$$5 don't kno! !hat kind o a pre ace 5 must !rite to ind thee courteous, an epithet too o ten besto!ed !ithout a cause. The author o this !ork has been as sparing o !hat !e call good nature, as most readers are no!adays. +o 5 am a raid his translator and commentator is not to e?pect much more than has been sho!ed them. ;hat's !orse, there are but t!o sorts o taking pre aces, as there are but t!o kinds o prologues to playsE or <r. Bays !as doubtless in the right !hen he said that i thunder and lightning could not right an audience into complaisance, the sight o the poet !ith a rope about his neck might !ork them into pity. +ome, indeed, ha"e bullied many o you into applause, and railed at your aults that you might think them !ithout anyE and others, more sa ely, ha"e spoken kindly o you, that you might think, or at least speak, as a"ourably o them, and be lattered into patience. 9o!, 5 ancy, there's nothing less di icult to attempt than the irst methodE or, in this blessed age, 'tis

as easy to ind a bully !ithout courage, as a !hore !ithout beauty, or a !riter !ithout !itE though those >uali ications are so necessary in their respecti"e pro essions. The mischie is, that you seldom allo! any to rail besides yoursel"es, and cannot bear a pride !hich shocks your o!n. *s or !heedling you into a liking o a !ork, 5 must con ess it seems the sa est !ayE but though lattery pleases you !ell !hen it is particular, you hate it, as little concerning you, !hen it is general. Then !e knights o the >uill are a sti $necked generation, !ho as seldom care to seem to doubt the !orth o our !ritings, and their being liked, as !e lo"e to latter more than one at a timeE and had rather dra! our pens, and stand up or the beauty o our !orks @as some arrant ools use to do or that o their mistressesD to the last drop o our ink. *nd truly this submission, !hich sometimes !heedles you into pity, as seldom decoys you into lo"e, as the a!k!ard cringing o an anti>uated op, as moneyless as he is ugly, a ects an e?perienced air one. 9o! !e as little "alue your pity as a lo"er his mistress's, !ell satis ied that it is only a less unci"il !ay o dismissing us. But !hat i neither o these t!o !ays !ill !ork upon you, o !hich dole ul truth some o our play!rights stand so many li"ing monumentsK ;hy, then, truly 5 think on no other !ay at present but blending the t!o into oneE and, rom this marriage o hu ing and cringing, there !ill result a ne! kind o careless medley, !hich, perhaps, !ill !ork upon both sorts o readers, those !ho are to be hectored, and those !hom !e must creep to. *t least, it is like to please by its no"eltyE and it !ill not be the irst monster that has pleased you !hen regular nature could not do it. 5 uncommon !orth, li"ely !it, and deep learning, !o"e into !holesome satire, a bold, good, and "ast design admirably pursued, truth set out in its true light, and a method ho! to arri"e to its oracle, can recommend a !ork, 5 am sure this has enough to please any reasonable man. The three books published some time since, !hich are in a manner an entire !ork, !ere kindly recei"edE yet, in the French, they come ar short o these t!o, !hich are also entire piecesE or the satire is all general here, much more ob"ious, and conse>uently more entertaining. 1"en my long e?planatory pre ace !as not thought improper. Though 5 !as so ar rom being allo!ed time to make it methodical, that at irst only a e! pages !ere intendedE yet as ast as they !ere printed 5 !rote on, till it pro"ed at last like one o those to!ns built little at irst, then enlarged, !here you see promiscuously an odd "ariety o all sorts o irregular buildings. 5 hope the remarks 5 gi"e no! !ill not please lessE or, as 5 ha"e translated the !ork !hich they e?plain, 5 had more time to make them, though as little to !rite them. 5t !ould be needless to gi"e here a large account o my per ormanceE or, a ter all, you readers care no more or this or that apology, or pretence o <r. Translator, i the "ersion does not please you, than !e do or a blundering cook's e?cuse a ter he has spoiled a good dish in the dressing. 9or can the irst pretend to much praise, besides that o gi"ing his author's sense in its ull e?tent, and copying his style, i it is to be copiedE since he has no share in the in"ention or disposition o !hat he translates. #et there !as no small di iculty in doing Rabelais justice in that double respectE the obsolete !ords and turns o phrase, and dark subjects, o ten as darkly treated, make the sense hard to be understood e"en by a Frenchman, and it cannot be easy to gi"e it the ree easy air o an originalE or e"en !hat seems most common talk in one language, is !hat is o ten the most di icult to be made so in anotherE and (orace's thoughts o comedy may be !ell applied to this& Creditur, e? medio >uia res arcessit, habere +udoris minimumE sed habet commoedia tantum

Plus oneris, >uanto "eniae minus. Far be it rom me, or all this, to "alue mysel upon hitting the !ords o cant in !hich my drolling author is so lu?uriantE or though such !ords ha"e stood me in good stead, 5 scarce can orbear thinking mysel unhappy in ha"ing insensibly hoarded up so much gibberish and Billingsgate trash in my memoryE nor could 5 orbear asking o mysel , as an 5talian cardinal said on another account, )'onde hai tu pigliato tante coglionerieK ;here the de"il didst thou rake up all these ripperiesK 5t !as not less di icult to come up to the author's sublime e?pressions. 9or !ould 5 ha"e attempted such a task, but that 5 !as ambitious o gi"ing a "ie! o the most "aluable !ork o the greatest genius o his age, to the <ecaenas and best genius o this. For 5 am not o"er ond o so ungrate ul a task as translating, and !ould rejoice to see less "ersions and more originalsE so the latter !ere not as bad as many o the irst are, through !ant o encouragement. +ome indeed ha"e deser"edly gained esteem by translatingE yet not many condescend to translate, but such as cannot in"entE though to do the irst !ell re>uires o ten as much genius as to do the latter. 5 !ish, reader, thou mayest be as !illing to do my author justice, as 5 ha"e stro"e to do him right. #et, i thou art a brother o the >uill, it is ten to one thou art too much in lo"e !ith thy o!n dear productions to admire those o one o thy trade. (o!e"er, 5 kno! three or our !ho ha"e not such a mighty opinion o themsel"esE but 5'll not name them, lest 5 should be obliged to place mysel among them. 5 thou art one o those !ho, though they ne"er !rite, criticise e"eryone that doesE a"auntL$$Thou art a pro essed enemy o mankind and o thysel , !ho !ilt ne"er be pleased nor let anybody be so, and kno!est no better !ay to ame than by stri"ing to lessen that o othersE though !ouldst thou !rite thou mightst be soon kno!n, e"en by the butter!omen, and ly through the !orld in bandbo?es. 5 thou art o the dissembling tribe, it is thy o ice to rail at those books !hich thou huggest in a corner. 5 thou art one o those ea"esdroppers, !ho !ould ha"e their moroseness be counted gra"ity, thou !ilt condemn a mirth !hich thou art past relishingE and 5 kno! no other !ay to >uit the score than by !riting @as like enough 5 mayD something as dull, or duller than thysel , i possible. 5 thou art one o those critics in dressing, those e?tempores o ortune, !ho, ha"ing lost a relation and got an estate, in an instant set up or !it and e"ery e?tra"agance, thou'lt either praise or discommend this book, according to the dictates o some less oolish than thysel , perhaps o one o those !ho, being lodged at the sign o the bo? and dice, !ill kno! better things than to recommend to thee a !ork !hich bids thee be!are o his tricks. This book might teach thee to lea"e thy olliesE but some !ill say it does not signi y much to some ools !hether they are so or notE or !hen !as there a ool that thought himsel oneK 5 thou art one o those !ho !ould put themsel"es upon us or learned men in Greek and (ebre!, yet are mere blockheads in 1nglish, and patch together old pieces o the ancients to get themsel"es clothes out o them, thou art too se"erely mauled in this !ork to like it. ;ho then !illK some !ill cry. 9ay, besides these, many societies that make a great igure in the !orld are re lected on in this bookE !hich caused Rabelais to study to be dark, and e"en bedaub it !ith many loose e?pressions, that he might not be thought to ha"e any other design than to drollE in a manner be!raying his book that his enemies might not bite it. Truly, though no! the riddle is e?pounded, 5 !ould ad"ise those !ho read it not to re lect on the author, lest he be thought to ha"e been be orehand !ith them, and they be

ranked among those !ho ha"e nothing to sho! or their honesty but their money, nothing or their religion but their dissembling, or a at bene ice, nothing or their !it but their dressing, or their nobility but their title, or their gentility but their s!ord, or their courage but their hu ing, or their pre erment but their assurance, or their learning but their degrees, or or their gra"ity but their !rinkles or dulness. They had better laugh at one another here, as it is the custom o the !orld. %aughing is o all pro essionsE the miser may hoard, the spendthri t s>uander, the politician plot, the la!yer !rangle, and the gamester cheatE still their main design is to be able to laugh at one anotherE and here they may do it at a cheap and easy rate. * ter all, should this !ork ail to please the greater number o readers, 5 am sure it cannot miss being liked by those !ho are or !itty mirth and a chirping bottleE though not by those solid sots !ho seem to ha"e drudged all their youth long only that they might enjoy the s!eet blessing o getting drunk e"ery night in their old age. But those men o sense and honour !ho lo"e truth and the good o mankind in general abo"e all other things !ill undoubtedly countenance this !ork. 5 !ill not gra"ely insist upon its use ulness, ha"ing said enough o it in the pre ace @<otteu?' Pre ace to "ol. 5 o Rabelais, ed. 3AF/.D to the irst part. 5 !ill only add, that as (omer in his 'dyssey makes his hero !ander ten years through most parts o the then kno!n !orld, so Rabelais, in a three months' "oyage, makes Pantagruel take a "ie! o almost all sorts o people and pro essionsE !ith this di erence, ho!e"er, bet!een the ancient mythologist and the modern, that !hile the 'dyssey has been compared to a setting sun in respect to the 5liads, Rabelais' last !ork, !hich is this =oyage to the 'racle o the Bottle @by !hich he means truthD is justly thought his masterpiece, being !rote !ith more spirit, salt, and lame, than the irst part o his !orks. *t near se"enty years o age, his genius, ar rom being drained, seemed to ha"e ac>uired resh "igour and ne! graces the more it e?erted itsel E like those ri"ers !hich gro! more deep, large, majestic, and use ul by their course. Those !ho accuse the French o being as sparing o their !it as la"ish o their !ords !ill ind an 1nglishman in our author. 5 must con ess indeed that my countrymen and other southern nations temper the one !ith the other in a manner as they do their !ine !ith !ater, o ten just dashing the latter !ith a little o the irst. 9o! here men lo"e to drink their !ine pureE nay, sometimes it !ill not satis y unless in its "ery >uintessence, as in brandiesE though an e?cess o this betrays !ant o sobriety, as much as an e?cess o !it betrays a !ant o judgment. But 5 must conclude, lest 5 be justly ta?ed !ith !anting both. 5 !ill only add, that as e"ery language has its peculiar graces, seldom or ne"er to be ac>uired by a oreigner, 5 cannot think 5 ha"e gi"en my author those o the 1nglish in e"ery placeE but as none compelled me to !rite, 5 ear to ask a pardon !hich yet the generous temper o this nation makes me hope to obtain. *lbinus, a Roman, !ho had !ritten in Greek, desired in his pre ace to be orgi"en his aults o languageE but Cato asked him in derision !hether any had orced him to !rite in a tongue o !hich he !as not an absolute master. %ucullus !rote a history in the same tongue, and said he had scattered some alse Greek in it to let the !orld kno! it !as the !ork o a Roman. 5 !ill not say as much o my !ritings, in !hich 5 study to be as little incorrect as the hurry o business and shortness o time !ill permitE but 5 may better say, as Tully did o the history o his consulship, !hich he also had !ritten in Greek, that !hat errors may be ound in the diction are crept in against my intent. 5ndeed, %i"ius *ndronicus and Terence, the one a Greek, the other a Carthaginian, !rote success ully in %atin, and the latter is perhaps the most per ect model o the purity and urbanity o that tongueE but 5 ought not to hope or the success o those great men. #et am 5 ambitious o

being as subser"ient to the use ul di"ersion o the ingenious o this nation as 5 can, !hich 5 ha"e endea"oured in this !ork, !ith hopes to attempt some greater tasks i e"er 5 am happy enough to ha"e more leisure. 5n the meantime it !ill not displease me, i it is kno!n that this is gi"en by one !ho, though born and educated in France, has the lo"e and "eneration o a loyal subject or this nation, one !ho, by a atality, !hich !ith many more made him say, 9os patriam ugimus et dulcia lin>uimus ar"a, is obliged to make the language o these happy regions as natural to him as he can, and thank ully say !ith the rest, under this Protestant go"ernment, )eus nobis haec otia ecit.

The *uthor's 1pistle )edicatory. To the most 5llustrious Prince and most Re"erend %ord 'det, Cardinal de Chastillon. #ou kno!, most illustrious prince, ho! o ten 5 ha"e been, and am daily pressed and re>uired by great numbers o eminent persons, to proceed in the Pantagruelian ablesE they tell me that many languishing, sick, and disconsolate persons, perusing them, ha"e decei"ed their grie , passed their time merrily, and been inspired !ith ne! joy and com ort. 5 commonly ans!er that 5 aimed not at glory and applause !hen 5 di"erted mysel !ith !riting, but only designed to gi"e by my pen, to the absent !ho labour under a liction, that little help !hich at all times 5 !illingly stri"e to gi"e to the present that stand in need o my art and ser"ice. +ometimes 5 at large relate to them ho! (ippocrates in se"eral places, and particularly in lib. A. 1pidem., describing the institution o the physician his disciple, and also +oranus o 1phesus, 'ribasius, Galen, (ali *bbas, and other authors, ha"e descended to particulars, in the prescription o his motions, deportment, looks, countenance, grace ulness, ci"ility, cleanliness o ace, clothes, beard, hair, hands, mouth, e"en his "ery nailsE as i he !ere to play the part o a lo"er in some comedy, or enter the lists to ight some enemy. *nd indeed the practice o physic is properly enough compared by (ippocrates to a ight, and also to a arce acted bet!een three persons, the patient, the physician, and the disease. ;hich passage has sometimes put me in mind o 7ulia's saying to *ugustus her ather. 'ne day she came be ore him in a "ery gorgeous, loose, lasci"ious dress, !hich "ery much displeased him, though he did not much disco"er his discontent. The ne?t day she put on another, and in a modest garb, such as the chaste Roman ladies !ore, came into his presence. The kind ather could not then orbear e?pressing the pleasure !hich he took to see her so much altered, and said to her& 'hL ho! much more this garb becomes and is commendable in the daughter o *ugustus. But she, ha"ing her e?cuse ready, ans!ered& This day, sir, 5 dressed mysel to please my ather's eyeE yesterday, to grati y that o my husband. Thus disguised in looks and garb, nay e"en, as ormerly !as the ashion, !ith a rich and pleasant go!n !ith our slee"es, !hich !as called philonium according to Petrus *le?andrinus in A. 1pidem., a physician might ans!er to such as might ind the metamorphosis indecent& Thus ha"e 5 accoutred mysel , not that 5 am proud o appearing in such a dress, but or the sake o my patient, !hom alone 5 !holly design to please, and no !ise o end or

dissatis y. There is also a passage in our ather (ippocrates, in the book 5 ha"e named, !hich causes some to s!eat, dispute, and labourE not indeed to kno! !hether the physician's ro!ning, discontented, and morose Catonian look render the patient sad, and his joy ul, serene, and pleasing countenance rejoice himE or e?perience teaches us that this is most certainE but !hether such sensations o grie or pleasure are produced by the apprehension o the patient obser"ing his motions and >ualities in his physician, and dra!ing rom thence conjectures o the end and catastrophe o his diseaseE as, by his pleasing look, joy ul and desirable e"ents, and by his sorro! ul and unpleasing air, sad and dismal conse>uencesE or !hether those sensations be produced by a trans usion o the serene or gloomy, aerial or terrestrial, joy ul or melancholic spirits o the physician into the person o the patient, as is the opinion o Plato, *"erroes, and others. *bo"e all things, the orecited authors ha"e gi"en particular directions to physicians about the !ords, discourse, and con"erse !hich they ought to ha"e !ith their patientsE e"eryone aiming at one point, that is, to rejoice them !ithout o ending God, and in no !ise !hatsoe"er to "e? or displease them. ;hich causes (erophilus much to blame the physician Calliana?, !ho, being asked by a patient o his, +hall 5 dieK impudently made him this ans!er& Patroclus died, !hom all allo! By much a better man than you. *nother, !ho had a mind to kno! the state o his distemper, asking him, a ter our merry Patelin's !ay& ;ell, doctor, does not my !ater tell you 5 shall dieK (e oolishly ans!ered, 9oE i %atona, the mother o those lo"ely t!ins, Phoebus and )iana, begot thee. Galen, lib. /, Comment. A. 1pidem., blames much also Juintus his tutor, !ho, a certain nobleman o Rome, his patient, saying to him, #ou ha"e been at break ast, my master, your breath smells o !ineE ans!ered arrogantly, #ours smells o e"erE !hich is the better smell o the t!o, !ine or a putrid e"erK But the calumny o certain cannibals, misanthropes, perpetual ea"esdroppers, has been so oul and e?cessi"e against me, that it had con>uered my patience, and 5 had resol"ed not to !rite one jot more. For the least o their detractions !ere that my books are all stu ed !ith "arious heresies, o !hich, ne"ertheless, they could not sho! one single instanceE much, indeed, o comical and acetious ooleries, neither o ending God nor the king @and truly 5 o!n they are the only subject and only theme o these booksD, but o heresy not a !ord, unless they interpreted !rong, and against all use o reason and common language, !hat 5 had rather su er a thousand deaths, i it !ere possible, than ha"e thoughtE as !ho should make bread to be stone, a ish to be a serpent, and an egg to be a scorpion. This, my lord, emboldened me once to tell you, as 5 !as complaining o it in your presence, that i 5 did not esteem mysel a better Christian than they sho! themsel"es to!ards me, and i my li e, !ritings, !ords, nay thoughts, betrayed to me one single spark o heresy, or 5 should in a detestable manner all into the snares o the spirit o detraction, )iabolos, !ho, by their means, raises such crimes against meE 5 !ould then, like the phoeni?, gather dry !ood, kindle a ire, and burn mysel in the midst o it. #ou !ere then pleased to say to me that :ing Francis, o eternal memory, had been made sensible o those alse accusationsE and that ha"ing caused my books @mine, 5 say, because se"eral, alse and in amous, ha"e been !ickedly laid to meD to be care ully and distinctly read to him by the most learned and aith ul anagnost in this kingdom, he had not ound any passage

suspiciousE and that he abhorred a certain en"ious, ignorant, hypocritical in ormer, !ho grounded a mortal heresy on an n put instead o an m by the carelessness o the printers. *s much !as done by his son, our most gracious, "irtuous, and blessed so"ereign, (enry, !hom (ea"en long preser"eL so that he granted you his royal pri"ilege and particular protection or me against my slandering ad"ersaries. #ou kindly condescended since to con irm me these happy ne!s at ParisE and also lately, !hen you "isited my %ord Cardinal du Bellay, !ho, or the bene it o his health, a ter a lingering distemper, !as retired to +t. <aur, that place @or rather paradiseD o salubrity, serenity, con"eniency, and all desirable country pleasures. Thus, my lord, under so glorious a patronage, 5 am emboldened once more to dra! my pen, undaunted no! and secureE !ith hopes that you !ill still pro"e to me, against the po!er o detraction, a second Gallic (ercules in learning, prudence, and elo>uenceE an *le?icacos in "irtue, po!er, and authorityE you, o !hom 5 may truly say !hat the !ise monarch +olomon saith o <oses, that great prophet and captain o 5srael, 1cclesiast. /B& * man earing and lo"ing God, !ho ound a"our in the sight o all lesh, !ell$belo"ed both o God and manE !hose memorial is blessed. God made him like to the glorious saints, and magni ied him so, that his enemies stood in ear o himE and or him made !ondersE made him glorious in the sight o kings, ga"e him a commandment or his people, and by him sho!ed his lightE he sancti ied him in his aith ulness and meekness, and chose him out o all men. By him he made us to hear his "oice, and caused by him the la! o li e and kno!ledge to be gi"en. *ccordingly, i 5 shall be so happy as to hear anyone commend those merry composures, they shall be adjured by me to be obliged and pay their thanks to you alone, as also to o er their prayers to (ea"en or the continuance and increase o your greatnessE and to attribute no more to me than my humble and ready obedience to your commandsE or by your most honourable encouragement you at once ha"e inspired me !ith spirit and !ith in"entionE and !ithout you my heart had ailed me, and the ountain$head o my animal spirits had been dry. <ay the %ord keep you in his blessed mercyL <y %ord, #our most humble, and most de"oted +er"ant, Francis Rabelais, Physician. Paris, this -,th o 7anuary, <)%55.

The *uthor's Prologue. Good people, God sa"e and keep youL ;here are youK 5 can't see you& stay$$5'll saddle my nose !ith spectacles$$oh, ohL 't!ill be air anon& 5 see you. ;ell, you ha"e had a good "intage, they say& this is no bad ne!s

to Frank, you may s!ear. #ou ha"e got an in allible cure against thirst& rarely per ormed o you, my riendsL #ou, your !i"es, children, riends, and amilies are in as good case as hearts can !ishE it is !ell, it is as 5 !ould ha"e it& God be praised or it, and i such be his !ill, may you long be so. For my part, 5 am thereabouts, thanks to his blessed goodnessE and by the means o a little Pantagruelism @!hich you kno! is a certain jollity o mind, pickled in the scorn o ortuneD, you see me no! hale and cheery, as sound as a bell, and ready to drink, i you !ill. ;ould you kno! !hy 5'm thus, good peopleK 5 !ill e"en gi"e you a positi"e ans!er $$+uch is the %ord's !ill, !hich 5 obey and re"ereE it being said in his !ord, in great derision to the physician neglect ul o his o!n health, Physician, heal thysel . Galen had some kno!ledge o the Bible, and had con"ersed !ith the Christians o his time, as appears lib. 33. )e 8su PartiumE lib. -. )e )i erentiis Pulsuum, cap. C, and ibid. lib. C. cap. -. and lib. )e Rerum * ectibus @i it be Galen'sD. #et 't!as not or any such "eneration o holy !rit that he took care o his o!n health. 9o, it !as or ear o being t!itted !ith the saying so !ell kno!n among physicians& 5atros allon autos elkesi bruon. (e boasts o healing poor and rich, #et is himsel all o"er itch. This made him boldly say, that he did not desire to be esteemed a physician, i rom his t!enty$eighth year to his old age he had not li"ed in per ect health, e?cept some ephemerous e"ers, o !hich he soon rid himsel E yet he !as not naturally o the soundest temper, his stomach being e"idently bad. 5ndeed, as he saith, lib. B, )e +anitate tuenda, that physician !ill hardly be thought "ery care ul o the health o others !ho neglects his o!n. *sclepiades boasted yet more than thisE or he said that he had articled !ith ortune not to be reputed a physician i he could be said to ha"e been sick since he began to practise physic to his latter age, !hich he reached, lusty in all his members and "ictorious o"er ortuneE till at last the old gentleman unluckily tumbled do!n rom the top o a certain ill$propped and rotten staircase, and so there !as an end o him. 5 by some disaster health is led rom your !orships to the right or to the le t, abo"e or belo!, be ore or behind, !ithin or !ithout, ar or near, on this side or the other side, !heresoe"er it be, may you presently, !ith the help o the %ord, meet !ith it. (a"ing ound it, may you immediately claim it, seiHe it, and secure it. The la! allo!s itE the king !ould ha"e it soE nay, you ha"e my ad"ice or it. 9either more nor less than the la!$makers o old did ully empo!er a master to claim and seiHe his runa!ay ser"ant !here"er he might be ound. 'dds$bodikins, is it not !ritten and !arranted by the ancient customs o this noble, so rich, so lourishing realm o France, that the dead seiHes the >uickK +ee !hat has been declared "ery lately in that point by that learned, !ise, courteous, humane and just ci"ilian, *ndre! Tira>ueau, one o the judges in the most honourable court o Parliament at Paris. (ealth is our li e, as *riphron the +icyonian !isely has itE !ithout health li e is not li e, it is not li"ing li e& abios bios, bios abiotos. ;ithout health li e is only a languishment and an image o death. There ore, you that !ant your health, that is to say, that are dead, seiHe the >uickE secure li e to yoursel"es, that is to say, health.

5 ha"e this hope in the %ord, that he !ill hear our supplications, considering !ith !hat aith and Heal !e pray, and that he !ill grant this our !ish because it is moderate and mean. <ediocrity !as held by the ancient sages to be golden, that is to say, precious, praised by all men, and pleasing in all places. Read the sacred Bible, you !ill ind the prayers o those !ho asked moderately !ere ne"er unans!ered. For e?ample, little dapper Oaccheus, !hose body and relics the monks o +t. Garlick, near 'rleans, boast o ha"ing, and nickname him +t. +yl"anusE he only !ished to see our blessed +a"iour near 7erusalem. 5t !as but a small re>uest, and no more than anybody then might pretend to. But alasL he !as but lo!$builtE and one o so diminuti"e a siHe, among the cro!d, could not so much as get a glimpse o him. ;ell then he struts, stands on tiptoes, bustles, and bestirs his stumps, sho"es and makes !ay, and !ith much ado clambers up a sycamore. 8pon this, the %ord, !ho kne! his sincere a ection, presented himsel to his sight, and !as not only seen by him, but heard alsoE nay, !hat is more, he came to his house and blessed his amily. 'ne o the sons o the prophets in 5srael elling !ould near the ri"er 7ordan, his hatchet orsook the hel"e and ell to the bottom o the ri"erE so he prayed to ha"e it again @'t!as but a small re>uest, mark ye meD, and ha"ing a strong aith, he did not thro! the hatchet a ter the hel"e, as some spirits o contradiction say by !ay o scandalous blunder, but the hel"e a ter the hatchet, as you all properly ha"e it. Presently t!o great miracles !ere seen& up springs the hatchet rom the bottom o the !ater, and i?es itsel to its old ac>uaintance the hel"e. 9o! had he !ished to coach it to hea"en in a iery chariot like 1lias, to multiply in seed like *braham, be as rich as 7ob, strong as +amson, and beauti ul as *bsalom, !ould he ha"e obtained it, d'ye thinkK 5' troth, my riends, 5 >uestion it "ery much. 9o! 5 talk o moderate !ishes in point o hatchet @but harkee me, be sure you don't orget !hen !e ought to drinkD, 5 !ill tell you !hat is !ritten among the apologues o !ise *esop the Frenchman. 5 mean the Phrygian and Trojan, as <a?. Planudes makes himE rom !hich people, according to the most aith ul chroniclers, the noble French are descended. *elian !rites that he !as o Thrace and *gathias, a ter (erodotus, that he !as o +amosE 'tis all one to Frank. 5n his time li"ed a poor honest country ello! o Gra"ot, Tom ;ellhung by name, a !ood$clea"er by trade, !ho in that lo! drudgery made shi t so to pick up a sorry li"elihood. 5t happened that he lost his hatchet. 9o! tell me !ho e"er had more cause to be "e?ed than poor TomK *las, his !hole estate and li e depended on his hatchetE by his hatchet he earned many a air penny o the best !oodmongers or log$merchants among !hom he !ent a$jobbingE or !ant o his hatchet he !as like to star"eE and had death but met !ith him si? days a ter !ithout a hatchet, the grim iend !ould ha"e mo!ed him do!n in the t!inkling o a bedsta . 5n this sad case he began to be in a hea"y taking, and called upon 7upiter !ith the most elo>uent prayers$$ or you kno! necessity !as the mother o elo>uence. ;ith the !hites o his eyes turned up to!ards hea"en, do!n on his marro!$bones, his arms reared high, his ingers stretched !ide, and his head bare, the poor !retch !ithout ceasing !as roaring out, by !ay o litany, at e"ery repetition o his supplications, <y hatchet, %ord 7upiter, my hatchetL my hatchetL only my hatchet, ' 7upiter, or money to buy another, and nothing elseL alas, my poor hatchetL

7upiter happened then to be holding a grand council about certain urgent a airs, and old gammer Cybele !as just gi"ing her opinion, or, i you !ould rather ha"e it so, it !as young Phoebus the beauE but, in short, Tom's outcries and lamentations !ere so loud that they !ere heard !ith no small amaHement at the council$board, by the !hole consistory o the gods. ;hat a de"il ha"e !e belo!, >uoth 7upiter, that ho!ls so horridlyK By the mud o +ty?, ha"e not !e had all along, and ha"e not !e here still enough to do, to set to rights a !orld o damned puHHling businesses o conse>uenceK ;e made an end o the ray bet!een Presthan, :ing o Persia, and +oliman the Turkish emperor, !e ha"e stopped up the passages bet!een the Tartars and the <usco"itesE ans!ered the Ieri 's petitionE done the same to that o Golgots RaysE the state o Parma's despatchedE so is that o <aidenburg, that o <irandola, and that o * rica, that to!n on the <editerranean !hich !e call *phrodisiumE Tripoli by carelessness has got a ne! masterE her hour !as come. (ere are the Gascons cursing and damning, demanding the restitution o their bells. 5n yonder corner are the +a?ons, 1asterlings, 'strogoths, and Germans, nations ormerly in"incible, but no! aberkeids, bridled, curbed, and brought under a paltry diminuti"e crippled ello!E they ask us re"enge, relie , restitution o their ormer good sense and ancient liberty. But !hat shall !e do !ith this same Ramus and this Galland, !ith a po? to them, !ho, surrounded !ith a s!arm o their scullions, blackguard ragamu ins, siHars, "ouchers, and stipulators, set together by the ears the !hole uni"ersity o ParisK 5 am in a sad >uandary about it, and or the heart's blood o me cannot tell yet !ith !hom o the t!o to side. Both seem to me notable ello!s, and as true cods as e"er pissed. The one has rose$nobles, 5 say ine and !eighty onesE the other !ould gladly ha"e some too. The one kno!s somethingE the other's no dunce. The one lo"es the better sort o menE the other's belo"ed by 'em. The one is an old cunning o?E the other !ith tongue and pen, tooth and nail, alls oul on the ancient orators and philosophers, and barks at them like a cur. ;hat thinkest thou o it, say, thou ba!dy PriapusK 5 ha"e ound thy counsel just be ore no!, et habet tua mentula mentem. :ing 7upiter, ans!ered Priapus, standing up and taking o his co!l, his snout uncased and reared up, iery and sti ly propped, since you compare the one to a yelping snarling cur and the other to sly Reynard the o?, my ad"ice is, !ith submission, that !ithout retting or puHHling your brains any urther about 'em, !ithout any more ado, e"en ser"e 'em both as, in the days o yore, you did the dog and the o?. (o!K asked 7upiterE !henK !ho !ere theyK !here !as itK #ou ha"e a rare memory, or aught 5 seeL returned Priapus. This right !orship ul ather Bacchus, !hom !e ha"e here nodding !ith his crimson phiH, to be re"enged on the Thebans had got a airy o?, !ho, !hate"er mischie he did, !as ne"er to be caught or !ronged by any beast that !ore a head. The noble =ulcan here present had ramed a dog o <onesian brass, and !ith long pu ing and blo!ing put the spirit o li e into himE he ga"e it to you, you ga"e it your <iss 1uropa, <iss 1uropa ga"e it <inos, <inos ga"e it Procris, Procris ga"e it Cephalus. (e !as also o the airy kindE so that, like the la!yers o our age, he !as too hard or all other sorts o

creaturesE nothing could scape the dog. 9o! !ho should happen to meet but these t!oK ;hat do you think they didK )og by his destiny !as to take o?, and o? by his ate !as not to be taken. The case !as brought be ore your council& you protested that you !ould not act against the atesE and the ates !ere contradictory. 5n short, the end and result o the matter !as, that to reconcile t!o contradictions !as an impossibility in nature. The "ery pang put you into a s!eatE some drops o !hich happening to light on the earth, produced !hat the mortals call cauli lo!ers. *ll our noble consistory, or !ant o a categorical resolution, !ere seiHed !ith such a horrid thirst, that abo"e se"enty$eight hogsheads o nectar !ere s!illed do!n at that sitting. *t last you took my ad"ice, and transmogri ied them into stonesE and immediately got rid o your perple?ity, and a truce !ith thirst !as proclaimed through this "ast 'lympus. This !as the year o labby cods, near Teumessus, bet!een Thebes and Chalcis. * ter this manner, it is my opinion that you should petri y this dog and this o?. The metamorphosis !ill not be incongruousE or they both bear the name o Peter. *nd because, according to the %imosin pro"erb, to make an o"en's mouth there must be three stones, you may associate them !ith <aster Peter du Coignet, !hom you ormerly petri ied or the same cause. Then those three dead pieces shall be put in an e>uilateral trigone some!here in the great temple at Paris$$in the middle o the porch, i you !ill$$there to per orm the o ice o e?tinguishers, and !ith their noses put out the lighted candles, torches, tapers, and lambeau?E since, !hile they li"ed, they still lighted, ballock$like, the ire o action, di"ision, ballock sects, and !rangling among those idle bearded boys, the students. *nd this !ill be an e"erlasting monument to sho! that those puny sel $conceited pedants, ballock$ ramers, !ere rather contemned than condemned by you. )i?i, 5 ha"e said my say. #ou deal too kindly by them, said 7upiter, or aught 5 see, <onsieur Priapus. #ou do not use to be so kind to e"erybody, let me tell youE or as they seek to eterniHe their names, it !ould be much better or them to be thus changed into hard stones than to return to earth and putre action. But no! to other matters. #onder behind us, to!ards the Tuscan sea and the neighbourhood o <ount *pennine, do you see !hat tragedies are stirred up by certain topping ecclesiastical bulliesK This hot it !ill last its time, like the %imosins' o"ens, and then !ill be cooled, but not so ast. ;e shall ha"e sport enough !ith itE but 5 oresee one incon"eniencyE or methinks !e ha"e but little store o thunder ammunition since the time that you, my ello! gods, or your pastime la"ished them a!ay to bombard ne! *ntioch, by my particular permissionE as since, a ter your e?ample, the stout champions !ho had undertaken to hold the ortress o )indenarois against all comers airly !asted their po!der !ith shooting at sparro!s, and then, not ha"ing !here!ith to de end themsel"es in time o need, "aliantly surrendered to the enemy, !ho !ere already packing up their a!ls, ull o madness and despair, and thought on nothing but a shame ul retreat. Take care this be remedied, son =ulcanE rouse up your dro!sy Cyclopes, *steropes, Brontes, *rges, Polyphemus, +teropes, Pyracmon, and so orth, set them at !ork, and make them drink as they ought. 9e"er spare li>uor to such as are at hot !ork. 9o! let us despatch this ba!ling ello! belo!. #ou, <ercury, go see !ho it is, and kno! !hat he !ants. <ercury looked out at hea"en's trapdoor, through !hich, as 5 am

told, they hear !hat is said here belo!. By the !ay, one might !ell enough mistake it or the scuttle o a shipE though 5caromenippus said it !as like the mouth o a !ell. The light$heeled deity sa! that it !as honest Tom, !ho asked or his lost hatchetE and accordingly he made his report to the synod. <arry, said 7upiter, !e are inely helped up, as i !e had no! nothing else to do here but to restore lost hatchets. ;ell, he must ha"e it then or all this, or so 'tis !ritten in the Book o Fate @do you hearKD, as !ell as i it !as !orth the !hole duchy o <ilan. The truth is, the ello!'s hatchet is as much to him as a kingdom to a king. Come, come, let no more !ords be scattered about itE let him ha"e his hatchet again. 9o!, let us make an end o the di erence bet!i?t the %e"ites and mole$catchers o %anderousse. ;hereabouts !ere !eK Priapus !as standing in the chimney$corner, and ha"ing heard !hat <ercury had reported, said in a most courteous and jo"ial manner& :ing 7upiter, !hile by your order and particular a"our 5 !as garden$keeper$general on earth, 5 obser"ed that this !ord hatchet is e>ui"ocal to many thingsE or it signi ies a certain instrument by the means o !hich men ell and clea"e timber. 5t also signi ies @at least 5 am sure it did ormerlyD a emale soundly and re>uently thumpthumpriggleticklet!iddletobyed. Thus 5 percei"ed that e"ery cock o the game used to call his do?y his hatchetE or !ith that same tool @this he said lugging out and e?hibiting his nine$inch knockerD they so strongly and resolutely sho"e and dri"e in their hel"es, that the emales remain ree rom a ear epidemical amongst their se?, "iH., that rom the bottom o the male's belly the instrument should dangle at his heel or !ant o such eminine props. *nd 5 remember, or 5 ha"e a member, and a memory too, ay, and a ine memory, large enough to ill a butter$ irkinE 5 remember, 5 say, that one day o tubilustre @horn$ airD at the esti"als o goodman =ulcan in <ay, 5 heard 7os>uin )es PreH, 'lkegan, (obrecht, *gricola, Brumel, Camelin, =igoris, )e la Fage, Bruyer, Prioris, +eguin, )e la Rue, <idy, <oulu, <outon, Gascogne, %oyset, Compere, Penet, Fe"in, Rousee, Richard Fort, Rousseau, Consilion, Constantio Festi, 7ac>uet Bercan, melodiously singing the ollo!ing catch on a pleasant green& %ong 7ohn to bed !ent to his bride, *nd laid a mallet by his side& ;hat means this mallet, 7ohnK saith she. ;hyL 'tis to !edge thee home, >uoth he. *lasL cried she, the man's a ool& ;hat need you use a !ooden toolK ;hen lusty 7ohn does to me come, (e ne"er sho"es but !ith his bum. 9ine 'lympiads, and an intercalary year a ter @5 ha"e a rare member, 5 !ould say memoryE but 5 o ten make blunders in the symboliHation and colligance o those t!o !ordsD, 5 heard *drian =illart, Gombert, 7ane>uin, *rcadet, Claudin, Certon, <anchicourt, *u?erre, =illiers, +andrin, +ohier, (esdin, <orales, Passereau, <aille, <aillart, 7acotin, (eurteur, =erdelot, Carpentras, %'(eritier, Cadeac, )oublet, =ermont, Bouteiller, %upi, Pagnier, <illet, )u <oulin, *laire, <araut, <orpain, Gendre, and other merry lo"ers o music, in a pri"ate garden, under some ine shady trees, round about a bul!ark o lagons, gammons, pasties, !ith se"eral coated >uails, and laced mutton, !aggishly singing& +ince tools !ithout their ha ts are useless lumber, *nd hatchets !ithout hel"es are o that numberE That one may go in t'other, and may match it,

5'll be the hel"e, and thou shalt be the hatchet. 9o! !ould 5 kno! !hat kind o hatchet this ba!ling Tom !antsK This thre! all the "enerable gods and goddesses into a it o laughter, like any microcosm o liesE and e"en set limping =ulcan a$hopping and jumping smoothly three or our times or the sake o his dear. Come, come, said 7upiter to <ercury, run do!n immediately, and cast at the poor ello!'s eet three hatchets& his o!n, another o gold, and a third o massy sil"er, all o one siHeE then ha"ing le t it to his !ill to take his choice, i he take his o!n, and be satis ied !ith it, gi"e him the other t!oE i he take another, chop his head o !ith his o!nE and hence orth ser"e me all those losers o hatchets a ter that manner. (a"ing said this, 7upiter, !ith an a!k!ard turn o his head, like a jackanapes s!allo!ing o pills, made so dread ul a phiH that all the "ast 'lympus >uaked again. (ea"en's oot messenger, thanks to his lo!$cro!ned narro!$brimmed hat, his plume o eathers, heel$pieces, and running stick !ith pigeon !ings, lings himsel out at hea"en's !icket, through the idle deserts o the air, and in a trice nimbly alights upon the earth, and thro!s at riend Tom's eet the three hatchets, saying unto him& Thou hast ba!led long enough to be a$dryE thy prayers and re>uest are granted by 7upiter& see !hich o these three is thy hatchet, and take it a!ay !ith thee. ;ellhung li ts up the golden hatchet, peeps upon it, and inds it "ery hea"yE then staring on <ercury, cries, CodsHouks, this is none o mineE 5 !on't ha't& the same he did !ith the sil"er one, and said, 'Tis not this neither, you may e'en take them again. *t last he takes up his o!n hatchet, e?amines the end o the hel"e, and inds his mark thereE then, ra"ished !ith joy, like a o? that meets some straggling poultry, and sneering rom the tip o the nose, he cried, By the mass, this is my hatchet, master godE i you !ill lea"e it me, 5 !ill sacri ice to you a "ery good and huge pot o milk brim ul, co"ered !ith ine stra!berries, ne?t ides o <ay. (onest ello!, said <ercury, 5 lea"e it theeE take itE and because thou hast !ished and chosen moderately in point o hatchet, by 7upiter's command 5 gi"e thee these t!o othersE thou hast no! !here!ith to make thysel rich& be honest. (onest Tom ga"e <ercury a !hole cartload o thanks, and re"ered the most great 7upiter. (is old hatchet he astens close to his leathern girdle, and girds it abo"e his breech like <artin o CambrayE the t!o others, being more hea"y, he lays on his shoulder. Thus he plods on, trudging o"er the ields, keeping a good countenance amongst his neighbours and ello!$parishioners, !ith one merry saying or other a ter Patelin's !ay. The ne?t day, ha"ing put on a clean !hite jacket, he takes on his back the t!o precious hatchets and comes to Chinon, the amous city, noble city, ancient city, yea, the irst city in the !orld, according to the judgment and assertion o the most learned <assorets. *t Chinon he turned his sil"er hatchet into ine testons, cro!n$pieces, and other !hite cashE his golden hatchet into ine angels, curious ducats, substantial ridders, spankers, and rose$noblesE then !ith them purchases a good number o arms, barns, houses, out$houses, thatched houses, stables, meado!s, orchards, ields, "ineyards, !oods, arable lands, pastures, ponds, mills, gardens, nurseries, o?en, co!s, sheep, goats, s!ine, hogs, asses, horses, hens, cocks, capons, chickens, geese, ganders, ducks, drakes, and a !orld o all other necessaries, and in a short time became the richest man in the country, nay, e"en richer than that limping scrape$good <aule"rier. (is brother bumpkins, and the other yeomen and country$puts thereabouts, percei"ing his good ortune, !ere not a little amaHed, insomuch that their ormer pity o poor Tom !as soon changed into an en"y o his so great and une?pected riseE and as they could not or their souls de"ise ho! this came

about, they made it their business to pry up and do!n, and lay their heads together, to in>uire, seek, and in orm themsel"es by !hat means, in !hat place, on !hat day, !hat hour, ho!, !hy, and !here ore, he had come by this great treasure. *t last, hearing it !as by losing his hatchet, (a, haL said they, !as there no more to do but to lose a hatchet to make us richK <um or thatE 'tis as easy as pissing a bed, and !ill cost but little. *re then at this time the re"olutions o the hea"ens, the constellations o the irmament, and aspects o the planets such, that !hosoe"er shall lose a hatchet shall immediately gro! richK (a, ha, haL by 7o"e, you shall e'en be lost, an't please you, my dear hatchet. ;ith this they all airly lost their hatchets out o hand. The de"il o one that had a hatchet le tE he !as not his mother's son that did not lose his hatchet. 9o more !as !ood elled or clea"ed in that country through !ant o hatchets. 9ay, the *esopian apologue e"en saith that certain petty country gents o the lo!er class, !ho had sold ;ellhung their little mill and little ield to ha"e !here!ithal to make a igure at the ne?t muster, ha"ing been told that his treasure !as come to him by that only means, sold the only badge o their gentility, their s!ords, to purchase hatchets to go lose them, as the silly clodpates did, in hopes to gain store o chink by that loss. #ou !ould ha"e truly s!orn they had been a parcel o your petty spiritual usurers, Rome$bound, selling their all, and borro!ing o others, to buy store o mandates, a penny!orth o a ne!$made pope. 9o! they cried out and brayed, and prayed and ba!led, and lamented, and in"oked 7upiter& <y hatchetL my hatchetL 7upiter, my hatchetL on this side, <y hatchetL on that side, <y hatchetL (o, ho, ho, ho, 7upiter, my hatchetL The air round about rung again !ith the cries and ho!lings o these rascally losers o hatchets. <ercury !as nimble in bringing them hatchetsE to each o ering that !hich he had lost, as also another o gold, and a third o sil"er. 1"ery he still !as or that o gold, gi"ing thanks in abundance to the great gi"er, 7upiterE but in the "ery nick o time that they bo!ed and stooped to take it rom the ground, !hip, in a trice, <ercury lopped o their heads, as 7upiter had commandedE and o heads thus cut o the number !as just e>ual to that o the lost hatchets. #ou see ho! it is no!E you see ho! it goes !ith those !ho in the simplicity o their hearts !ish and desire !ith moderation. Take !arning by this, all you greedy, resh$!ater sharks, !ho scorn to !ish or anything under ten thousand poundsE and do not or the uture run on impudently, as 5 ha"e sometimes heard you !ishing, ;ould to God 5 had no! one hundred se"enty$eight millions o goldL 'hL ho! 5 should tickle it o . The deuce on you, !hat more might a king, an emperor, or a pope !ish orK For that reason, indeed, you see that a ter you ha"e made such hope ul !ishes, all the good that comes to you o it is the itch or the scab, and not a cross in your breeches to scare the de"il that tempts you to make these !ishes& no more than those t!o mumpers, !ishers a ter the custom o ParisE one o !hom only !ished to ha"e in good old gold as much as hath been spent, bought, and sold in Paris, since its irst oundations !ere laid, to this hourE all o it "alued at the price, sale, and rate o the dearest year in all that space o time. )o you think the ello! !as bash ulK (ad he eaten sour plums unpeeledK ;ere his teeth on edge, 5 pray youK The other !ished 'ur %ady's

Church brim ul o steel needles, rom the loor to the top o the roo , and to ha"e as many ducats as might be crammed into as many bags as might be se!ed !ith each and e"eryone o those needles, till they !ere all either broke at the point or eye. This is to !ish !ith a "engeanceL ;hat think you o itK ;hat did they get by't, in your opinionK ;hy at night both my gentlemen had kibed heels, a tetter in the chin, a churchyard cough in the lungs, a catarrh in the throat, a s!ingeing boil at the rump, and the de"il o one musty crust o a bro!n george the poor dogs had to scour their grinders !ith. ;ish there ore or mediocrity, and it shall be gi"en unto you, and o"er and abo"e yetE that is to say, pro"ided you bestir yoursel man ully, and do your best in the meantime. *y, but say you, God might as soon ha"e gi"en me se"enty$eight thousand as the thirteenth part o one hal E or he is omnipotent, and a million o gold is no more to him than one arthing. 'h, hoL pray tell me !ho taught you to talk at this rate o the po!er and predestination o God, poor silly peopleK Peace, tush, st, st, stL all do!n be ore his sacred ace and o!n the nothingness o your nothing. 8pon this, ' ye that labour under the a liction o the gout, 5 ground my hopesE irmly belie"ing, that i so it pleases the di"ine goodness, you shall obtain healthE since you !ish and ask or nothing else, at least or the present. ;ell, stay yet a little longer !ith hal an ounce o patience. The Genoese do not use, like you, to be satis ied !ith !ishing health alone, !hen a ter they ha"e all the li"elong morning been in a bro!n study, talked, pondered, ruminated, and resol"ed in the counting$houses o !hom and ho! they may s>ueeHe the ready, and !ho by their cra t must be hooked in, !heedled, bubbled, sharped, o"erreached, and chousedE they go to the e?change, and greet one another !ith a +anita e guadagno, <esserL health and gain to you, sirL (ealth alone !ill not go do!n !ith the greedy curmudgeonsE they o"er and abo"e must !ish or gain, !ith a po? to 'emE ay, and or the ine cro!ns, or scudi di GuadaigneE !hence, hea"en be praisedL it happens many a time that the silly !ishers and !oulders are baulked, and get neither. 9o!, my lads, as you hope or good health, cough once aloud !ith lungs o leatherE take me o three s!ingeing bumpersE prick up your earsE and you shall hear me tell !onders o the noble and good Pantagruel.

T(1 F'8RT( B'':. Chapter /.5. (o! Pantagruel !ent to sea to "isit the oracle o Bacbuc, alias the (oly Bottle. 5n the month o 7une, on =esta's holiday, the "ery numerical day on !hich Brutus, con>uering +pain, taught its strutting dons to truckle under him, and that niggardly miser Crassus !as routed and knocked on the head by the

Parthians, Pantagruel took his lea"e o the good Gargantua, his royal ather. The old gentleman, according to the laudable custom o the primiti"e Christians, de"outly prayed or the happy "oyage o his son and his !hole company, and then they took shipping at the port o Thalassa. Pantagruel had !ith him Panurge, Friar 7ohn des 1ntomeures, alias o the Funnels, 1pistemon, Gymnast, 1usthenes, RhiHotome, Carpalin, cum multis aliis, his ancient ser"ants and domesticsE also Ienomanes, the great tra"eller, !ho had crossed so many dangerous roads, dikes, ponds, seas, and so orth, and !as come some time be ore, ha"ing been sent or by Panurge. For certain good causes and considerations him thereunto mo"ing, he had le t !ith Gargantua, and marked out, in his great and uni"ersal hydrographical chart, the course !hich they !ere to steer to "isit the 'racle o the (oly Bottle Bacbuc. The number o ships !ere such as 5 described in the third book, con"oyed by a like number o triremes, men o !ar, galleons, and eluccas, !ell$rigged, caulked, and stored !ith a good >uantity o Pantagruelion. *ll the o icers, droggermen, pilots, captains, mates, boats!ains, midshipmen, >uartermasters, and sailors, met in the Thalamege, Pantagruel's principal lag$ship, !hich had in her stern or her ensign a huge large bottle, hal sil"er !ell polished, the other hal gold enamelled !ith carnationE !hereby it !as easy to guess that !hite and red !ere the colours o the noble tra"ellers, and that they !ent or the !ord o the Bottle. 'n the stern o the second !as a lantern like those o the ancients, industriously made !ith diaphanous stone, implying that they !ere to pass by %anternland. The third ship had or her de"ice a ine deep china e!er. The ourth, a double$handed jar o gold, much like an ancient urn. The i th, a amous can made o sperm o emerald. The si?th, a monk's mumping bottle made o the our metals together. The se"enth, an ebony unnel, all embossed and !rought !ith gold a ter the Tauchic manner. The eighth, an i"y goblet, "ery precious, inlaid !ith gold. The ninth, a cup o ine 'briH gold. The tenth, a tumbler o aromatic agoloch @you call it lignum aloesD edged !ith Cyprian gold, a ter the *Hemine make. The ele"enth, a golden "ine$tub o mosaic !ork. The t!el th, a runlet o unpolished gold, co"ered !ith a small "ine o large 5ndian pearl o Topiarian !ork. 5nsomuch that there !as not a man, ho!e"er in the dumps, musty, sour$looked, or melancholic he !ere, not e"en e?cepting that blubbering !hiner (eraclitus, had he been there, but seeing this noble con"oy o ships and their de"ices, must ha"e been seiHed !ith present gladness o heart, and, smiling at the conceit, ha"e said that the tra"ellers !ere all honest topers, true pitcher$men, and ha"e judged by a most sure prognostication that their "oyage, both out!ard and home!ard$bound, !ould be per ormed in mirth and per ect health. 5n the Thalamege, !here !as the general meeting, Pantagruel made a short but s!eet e?hortation, !holly backed !ith authorities rom +cripture upon na"igationE !hich being ended, !ith an audible "oice prayers !ere said in the presence and hearing o all the burghers o Thalassa, !ho had locked to the mole to see them take shipping. * ter the prayers !as melodiously sung a psalm o the holy :ing )a"id, !hich begins, ;hen 5srael !ent out o 1gyptE and that being ended, tables !ere placed upon deck, and a east speedily ser"ed up. The Thalassians, !ho had also borne a chorus in the psalm, caused store o belly$timber to be brought out o their houses. *ll drank to themE they drank to allE !hich !as the cause that none o the !hole company ga"e up !hat they had eaten, nor !ere sea$sick, !ith a pain

at the head and stomachE !hich incon"eniency they could not so easily ha"e pre"ented by drinking, or some time be ore, salt !ater, either alone or mi?ed !ith !ineE using >uinces, citron peel, juice o pomegranates, sourish s!eetmeats, asting a long time, co"ering their stomachs !ith paper, or ollo!ing such other idle remedies as oolish physicians prescribe to those that go to sea. (a"ing o ten rene!ed their tipplings, each mother's son retired on board his o!n ship, and set sail all so ast !ith a merry gale at south$eastE to !hich point o the compass the chie pilot, 7ames Brayer by name, had shaped his course, and i?ed all things accordingly. For seeing that the 'racle o the (oly Bottle lay near Cathay, in the 8pper 5ndia, his ad"ice, and that o Ienomanes also, !as not to steer the course !hich the Portuguese use, !hile sailing through the torrid Hone, and Cape Bona +peranHa, at the south point o * rica, beyond the e>uinoctial line, and losing sight o the northern pole, their guide, they make a prodigious long "oyageE but rather to keep as near the parallel o the said 5ndia as possible, and to tack to the !est!ard o the said pole, so that !inding under the north, they might ind themsel"es in the latitude o the port o 'lone, !ithout coming nearer it or ear o being shut up in the roHen seaE !hereas, ollo!ing this canonical turn, by the said parallel, they must ha"e that on the right to the east!ard, !hich at their departure !as on their le t. This pro"ed a much shorter cutE or !ithout ship!reck, danger, or loss o men, !ith uninterrupted good !eather, e?cept one day near the island o the <acreons, they per ormed in less than our months the "oyage o 8pper 5ndia, !hich the Portuguese, !ith a thousand incon"eniences and innumerable dangers, can hardly complete in three years. *nd it is my opinion, !ith submission to better judgments, that this course !as perhaps steered by those 5ndians !ho sailed to Germany, and !ere honourably recei"ed by the :ing o the +!edes, !hile Juintus <etellus Celer !as proconsul o the GaulsE as Cornelius 9epos, Pomponius <ela, and Pliny a ter them tell us.

Chapter /.55. (o! Pantagruel bought many rarities in the island o <edamothy. That day and the t!o ollo!ing they neither disco"ered land nor anything ne!E or they had ormerly sailed that !ay& but on the ourth they made an island called <edamothy, o a ine and delight ul prospect, by reason o the "ast number o lighthouses and high marble to!ers in its circuit, !hich is not less than that o Canada @sicD. Pantagruel, in>uiring !ho go"erned there, heard that it !as :ing Philophanes, absent at that time upon account o the marriage o his brother Philotheamon !ith the in anta o the kingdom o 1ngys. (earing this, he !ent ashore in the harbour, and !hile e"ery ship's cre! !atered, passed his time in "ie!ing di"ers pictures, pieces o tapestry, animals, ishes, birds, and other e?otic and oreign merchandises, !hich !ere along the !alks o the mole and in the markets o the port. For it !as the third day o the great and amous air o the place, to !hich the chie merchants o * rica and *sia resorted. 'ut o these Friar 7ohn bought him t!o rare picturesE in one o !hich the ace o a man that brings in an appeal !as dra!n to the li eE and in the other a ser"ant that !ants a

master, !ith e"ery need ul particular, action, countenance, look, gait, eature, and deportment, being an original by <aster Charles Charmois, principal painter to :ing <egistusE and he paid or them in the court ashion, !ith conge and grimace. Panurge bought a large picture, copied and done rom the needle$!ork ormerly !rought by Philomela, sho!ing to her sister Progne ho! her brother$in$la! Tereus had by orce handselled her copyhold, and then cut out her tongue that she might not @as !omen !illD tell tales. 5 "o! and s!ear by the handle o my paper lantern that it !as a gallant, a miri ic, nay, a most admirable piece. 9or do you think, 5 pray you, that in it !as the picture o a man playing the beast !ith t!o backs !ith a emaleE this had been too silly and gross& no, noE it !as another$guise thing, and much plainer. #ou may, i you please, see it at Theleme, on the le t hand as you go into the high gallery. 1pistemon bought another, !herein !ere painted to the li e the ideas o Plato and the atoms o 1picurus. RhiHotome purchased another, !herein 1cho !as dra!n to the li e. Pantagruel caused to be bought, by Gymnast, the li e and deeds o *chilles, in se"enty$eight pieces o tapestry, our athom long, and three athom broad, all o Phrygian silk, embossed !ith gold and sil"erE the !ork beginning at the nuptials o Peleus and Thetis, continuing to the birth o *chillesE his youth, described by +tatius PapiniusE his !arlike achie"ements, celebrated by (omerE his death and obse>uies, !ritten by '"id and Juintus CalaberE and ending at the appearance o his ghost, and Poly?ena's sacri ice, rehearsed by 1uripides. (e also caused to be bought three ine young unicornsE one o them a male o a chestnut colour, and t!o grey dappled emalesE also a tarand, !hom he bought o a +cythian o the Gelones' country. * tarand is an animal as big as a bullock, ha"ing a head like a stag, or a little bigger, t!o stately horns !ith large branches, clo"en eet, hair long like that o a urred <usco"ite, 5 mean a bear, and a skin almost as hard as steel armour. The +cythian said that there are but e! tarands to be ound in +cythia, because it "arieth its colour according to the di"ersity o the places !here it graHes and abides, and represents the colour o the grass, plants, trees, shrubs, lo!ers, meado!s, rocks, and generally o all things near !hich it comes. 5t hath this common !ith the sea$pulp, or polypus, !ith the thoes, !ith the !ol"es o 5ndia, and !ith the chameleon, !hich is a kind o a liHard so !onder ul that )emocritus hath !ritten a !hole book o its igure and anatomy, as also o its "irtue and propriety in magic. This 5 can a irm, that 5 ha"e seen it change its colour, not only at the approach o things that ha"e a colour, but by its o!n "oluntary impulse, according to its ear or other a ectionsE as, or e?ample, upon a green carpet 5 ha"e certainly seen it become greenE but ha"ing remained there some time, it turned yello!, blue, tanned, and purple in course, in the same manner as you see a turkey$cock's comb change colour according to its passions. But !hat !e ind most surprising in this tarand is, that not only its ace and skin, but also its hair could take !hate"er colour !as about it. 9ear Panurge, !ith his kersey coat, its hair used to turn greyE near Pantagruel, !ith his scarlet mantle, its hair and skin gre! redE near the pilot, dressed a ter the ashion o the 5siacs o *nubis in 1gypt, its hair seemed all !hite, !hich t!o last colours the chameleons cannot borro!. ;hen the creature !as ree rom any ear or a ection, the colour o its hair !as just such as you see that o the asses o <eung.

Chapter /.555. (o! Pantagruel recei"ed a letter rom his ather Gargantua, and o the strange !ay to ha"e speedy ne!s rom ar distant places. ;hile Pantagruel !as taken up !ith the purchase o those oreign animals, the noise o ten guns and cul"erins, together !ith a loud and joy ul cheer o all the leet, !as heard rom the mole. Pantagruel looked to!ards the ha"en, and percei"ed that this !as occasioned by the arri"al o one o his ather Gargantua's celoces, or ad"ice$boats, named the ChelidoniaE because on the stern o it !as car"ed in Corinthian brass a sea$s!allo!, !hich is a ish as large as a dare$ ish o %oire, all lesh, !ithout scale, !ith cartilaginous !ings @like a bat'sD "ery long and broad, by the means o !hich 5 ha"e seen them ly about three athom abo"e !ater, about a bo!$shot. *t <arseilles 'tis called lendole. *nd indeed that ship !as as light as a s!allo!, so that it rather seemed to ly on the sea than to sail. <alicorne, Gargantua's es>uire car"er, !as come in her, being sent e?pressly by his master to ha"e an account o his son's health and circumstances, and to bring him credentials. ;hen <alicorne had saluted Pantagruel, be ore the prince opened the letters, the irst thing he said to him !as, (a"e you here the GoHal, the hea"enly messengerK #es, sir, said heE here it is s!addled up in this basket. 5t !as a grey pigeon, taken out o Gargantua's do"e$house, !hose young ones !ere just hatched !hen the ad"ice$boat !as going o . 5 any ill ortune had be allen Pantagruel, he !ould ha"e astened some black ribbon to his eetE but because all things had succeeded happily hitherto, ha"ing caused it to be undressed, he tied to its eet a !hite ribbon, and !ithout any urther delay let it loose. The pigeon presently le! a!ay, cutting the air !ith an incredible speed, as you kno! that there is no light like a pigeon's, especially !hen it hath eggs or young ones, through the e?treme care !hich nature hath i?ed in it to relie"e and be !ith its youngE insomuch that in less than t!o hours it compassed in the air the long tract !hich the ad"ice$boat, !ith all her diligence, !ith oars and sails, and a air !ind, could not go through in less than three days and three nightsE and !as seen as it !ent into the do"e$house in its nest. ;hereupon Gargantua, hearing that it had the !hite ribbon on, !as joy ul and secure o his son's !el are. This !as the custom o the noble Gargantua and Pantagruel !hen they !ould ha"e speedy ne!s o something o great concernE as the e"ent o some battle, either by sea or landE the surrendering or holding out o some strong placeE the determination o some di erence o momentE the sa e or unhappy deli"ery o some >ueen or great ladyE the death or reco"ery o their sick riends or allies, and so orth. They used to take the goHal, and had it carried rom one to another by the post, to the places !hence they desired to ha"e ne!s. The goHal, bearing either a black or !hite ribbon, according to the occurrences and accidents, used to remo"e their doubts at its return, making in the space o one hour more !ay through the air than thirty postboys could ha"e done in one natural day. <ay not this be said to redeem and gain time !ith a "engeance, think youK For the like ser"ice, there ore, you may belie"e as a most true thing that in the do"e$houses o their arms there !ere to be ound all the year long store o pigeons hatching eggs or rearing their young. ;hich may be easily done in a"iaries and "oleries by the help o saltpetre and the sacred herb "er"ain. The goHal being let ly, Pantagruel perused his ather Gargantua's letter,

the contents o !hich !ere as ollo!eth& <y dearest +on,$$The a ection that naturally a ather bears a belo"ed son is so much increased in me by re lecting on the particular gi ts !hich by the di"ine goodness ha"e been heaped on thee, that since thy departure it hath o ten banished all other thoughts out o my mind, lea"ing my heart !holly possessed !ith ear lest some mis ortune has attended thy "oyageE or thou kno!est that ear !as e"er the attendant o true and sincere lo"e. 9o! because, as (esiod saith, * good beginning o anything is the hal o itE or, ;ell begun's hal done, according to the old sayingE to ree my mind rom this an?iety 5 ha"e e?pressly despatched <alicorne, that he may gi"e me a true account o thy health at the beginning o thy "oyage. For i it be good, and such as 5 !ish it, 5 shall easily oresee the rest. 5 ha"e met !ith some di"erting books, !hich the bearer !ill deli"er theeE thou mayest read them !hen thou !antest to unbend and ease thy mind rom thy better studies. (e !ill also gi"e thee at large the ne!s at court. The peace o the %ord be !ith thee. Remember me to Panurge, Friar 7ohn, 1pistemon, Ienomanes, Gymnast, and thy other principal domestics. )ated at our paternal seat, this 3Cth day o 7une. Thy ather and riend, Gargantua.

Chapter /.5=. (o! Pantagruel !rit to his ather Gargantua, and sent him se"eral curiosities. Pantagruel, ha"ing perused the letter, had a long con erence !ith the es>uire <alicorneE insomuch that Panurge, at last interrupting them, asked him, Pray, sir, !hen do you design to drinkK ;hen shall !e drinkK ;hen shall the !orship ul es>uire drinkK ;hat a de"ilL ha"e you not talked long enough to drinkK 5t is a good motion, ans!ered Pantagruel& go, get us something ready at the ne?t innE 5 think 'tis the Centaur. 5n the meantime he !rit to Gargantua as ollo!eth, to be sent by the a oresaid es>uire& <ost gracious Father,$$*s our senses and animal aculties are more discomposed at the ne!s o e"ents une?pected, though desired @e"en to an immediate dissolution o the soul rom the bodyD, than i those accidents had been oreseen, so the coming o <alicorne hath much surprised and disordered me. For 5 had no hopes to see any o your ser"ants, or to hear rom you, be ore 5 had inished our "oyageE and contented mysel !ith the dear remembrance o your august majesty, deeply impressed in the hindmost "entricle o my brain, o ten representing you to my mind. But since you ha"e made me happy beyond e?pectation by the perusal o your gracious letter, and the aith 5 ha"e in your es>uire hath re"i"ed my spirits by the ne!s o your !el are, 5 am as it !ere compelled to do !hat ormerly 5 did reely, that is, irst to praise the blessed Redeemer, !ho by his di"ine goodness preser"es you in this long enjoyment o per ect healthE then to return you eternal thanks or the er"ent a ection !hich you ha"e or me your most humble son and unpro itable ser"ant. Formerly a Roman, named Furnius, said to *ugustus, !ho had recei"ed his ather into a"our, and pardoned him a ter he had sided !ith *ntony, that

by that action the emperor had reduced him to this e?tremity, that or !ant o po!er to be grate ul, both !hile he li"ed and a ter it, he should be obliged to be ta?ed !ith ingratitude. +o 5 may say, that the e?cess o your atherly a ection dri"es me into such a strait, that 5 shall be orced to li"e and die ungrate ulE unless that crime be redressed by the sentence o the +toics, !ho say that there are three parts in a bene it, the one o the gi"er, the other o the recei"er, the third o the remuneratorE and that the recei"er re!ards the gi"er !hen he reely recei"es the bene it and al!ays remembers itE as, on the contrary, that man is most ungrate ul !ho despises and orgets a bene it. There ore, being o"er!helmed !ith in inite a"ours, all proceeding rom your e?treme goodness, and on the other side !holly incapable o making the smallest return, 5 hope at least to ree mysel rom the imputation o ingratitude, since they can ne"er be blotted out o my mindE and my tongue shall ne"er cease to o!n that to thank you as 5 ought transcends my capacity. *s or us, 5 ha"e this assurance in the %ord's mercy and help, that the end o our "oyage !ill be ans!erable to its beginning, and so it !ill be entirely per ormed in health and mirth. 5 !ill not ail to set do!n in a journal a ull account o our na"igation, that at our return you may ha"e an e?act relation o the !hole. 5 ha"e ound here a +cythian tarand, an animal strange and !onder ul or the "ariations o colour on its skin and hair, according to the distinction o neighbouring thingsE it is as tractable and easily kept as a lamb. Be pleased to accept o it. 5 also send you three young unicorns, !hich are the tamest o creatures. 5 ha"e con erred !ith the es>uire, and taught him ho! they must be ed. These cannot graHe on the ground by reason o the long horn on their orehead, but are orced to bro!se on ruit trees, or on proper racks, or to be ed by hand, !ith herbs, shea"es, apples, pears, barley, rye, and other ruits and roots, being placed be ore them. 5 am amaHed that ancient !riters should report them to be so !ild, urious, and dangerous, and ne"er seen ali"eE ar rom it, you !ill ind that they are the mildest things in the !orld, pro"ided they are not maliciously o ended. %ike!ise 5 send you the li e and deeds o *chilles in curious tapestryE assuring you !hate"er rarities o animals, plants, birds, or precious stones, and others, 5 shall be able to ind and purchase in our tra"els, shall be brought to you, God !illing, !hom 5 beseech, by his blessed grace, to preser"e you. From <edamothy, this 3Bth o 7une. Panurge, Friar 7ohn, 1pistemon, Oenomanes, Gymnast, 1usthenes, RhiHotome, and Carpalin, ha"ing most humbly kissed your hand, return your salute a thousand times. #our most duti ul son and ser"ant, Pantagruel. ;hile Pantagruel !as !riting this letter, <alicorne !as made !elcome by all !ith a thousand goodly good$morro!s and ho!$d'ye'sE they clung about him so that 5 cannot tell you ho! much they made o him, ho! many humble ser"ices, ho! many rom my lo"e and to my lo"e !ere sent !ith him. Pantagruel, ha"ing !rit his letters, sat do!n at table !ith him, and a ter!ards presented him !ith a large chain o gold, !eighing eight hundred cro!ns, bet!een !hose septenary links some large diamonds, rubies, emeralds,

tur>uoise stones, and unions !ere alternately set in. To each o his bark's cre! he ordered to be gi"en i"e hundred cro!ns. To Gargantua, his ather, he sent the tarand co"ered !ith a cloth o satin, brocaded !ith gold, and the tapestry containing the li e and deeds o *chilles, !ith the three unicorns in rieHed cloth o gold trappingsE and so they le t <edamothy$$<alicorne to return to Gargantua, Pantagruel to proceed in his "oyage, during !hich 1pistemon read to him the books !hich the es>uire had brought, and because he ound them jo"ial and pleasant, 5 shall gi"e you an account o them, i you earnestly desire it.

Chapter /.=. (o! Pantagruel met a ship !ith passengers returning rom %anternland. 'n the i th day !e began already to !ind by little and little about the poleE going still arther rom the e>uinoctial line, !e disco"ered a merchant$man to the !ind!ard o us. The joy or this !as not small on both sidesE !e in hopes to hear ne!s rom sea, and those in the merchant$man rom land. +o !e bore upon 'em, and coming up !ith them !e hailed themE and inding them to be Frenchmen o Iaintonge, backed our sails and lay by to talk to them. Pantagruel heard that they came rom %anternlandE !hich added to his joy, and that o the !hole leet. ;e in>uired about the state o that country, and the !ay o li"ing o the %anternsE and !ere told that about the latter end o the ollo!ing 7uly !as the time pre i?ed or the meeting o the general chapter o the %anternsE and that i !e arri"ed there at that time, as !e might easily, !e should see a handsome, honourable, and jolly company o %anternsE and that great preparations !ere making, as i they intended to lanterniHe there to the purpose. ;e !ere told also that i !e touched at the great kingdom o Gebarim, !e should be honourably recei"ed and treated by the so"ereign o that country, :ing 'habe, !ho, as !ell as all his subjects, speaks Touraine French. ;hile !e !ere listening to these ne!s, Panurge ell out !ith one )ingdong, a dro"er or sheep$merchant o Taillebourg. The occasion o the ray !as thus& This same )ingdong, seeing Panurge !ithout a codpiece, !ith his spectacles astened to his cap, said to one o his comrades, Prithee, look, is there not a ine medal o a cuckoldK Panurge, by reason o his spectacles, as you may !ell think, heard more plainly by hal !ith his ears than usuallyE !hich caused him @hearing thisD to say to the saucy dealer in mutton, in a kind o a pet& (o! the de"il should 5 be one o the horni ied raternity, since 5 am not yet a brother o the marriage$noose, as thou artE as 5 guess by thy ill$ a"oured phiHK #ea, "erily, >uoth the graHier, 5 am married, and !ould not be other!ise or all the pairs o spectacles in 1uropeE nay, not or all the magni ying gimcracks in * ricaE or 5 ha"e got me the cle"erest, prettiest, handsomest, properest, neatest, tightest, honestest, and soberest piece o !oman's lesh or my !i e that is in all the !hole country o IaintongeE 5'll say that or her, and a art or all the rest. 5 bring her home a ine ele"en$inch$long branch o red coral or her Christmas$bo?. ;hat hast thou to do !ith itK !hat's that to theeK !ho art thouK !hence comest thou,

' dark lantern o *ntichristK *ns!er, i thou art o God. 5 ask thee, by the !ay o >uestion, said Panurge to him "ery seriously, i !ith the consent and countenance o all the elements, 5 had gingumbobbed, codpieced, and thumpthumpriggledtickledt!iddled thy so cle"er, so pretty, so handsome, so proper, so neat, so tight, so honest, and so sober emale importance, insomuch that the sti deity that has no orecast, Priapus @!ho d!ells here at liberty, all subjection o astened codpieces, or bolts, bars, and locks, abdicatedD, remained sticking in her natural Christmas$bo? in such a lamentable manner that it !ere ne"er to come out, but eternally should stick there unless thou didst pull it out !ith thy teethE !hat !ouldst thou doK ;ouldst thou e"erlastingly lea"e it there, or !ouldst thou pluck it out !ith thy grindersK *ns!er me, ' thou ram o <ahomet, since thou art one o the de"il's gang. 5 !ould, replied the sheepmonger, take thee such a !oundy cut on this spectacle$bearing lug o thine !ith my trusty bilbo as !ould smite thee dead as a herring. Thus, ha"ing taken pepper in the nose, he !as lugging out his s!ord, but, alasL$$cursed co!s ha"e short horns,$$it stuck in the scabbardE as you kno! that at sea cold iron !ill easily take rust by reason o the e?cessi"e and nitrous moisture. Panurge, so smitten !ith terror that his heart sunk do!n to his midri , scoured o to Pantagruel or helpE but Friar 7ohn laid hand on his lashing scimitar that !as ne! ground, and !ould certainly ha"e despatched )ingdong to rights, had not the skipper and some o his passengers beseeched Pantagruel not to su er such an outrage to be committed on board his ship. +o the matter !as made up, and Panurge and his antagonist shaked ists, and drank in course to one another in token o a per ect reconciliation.

Chapter /.=5. (o!, the ray being o"er, Panurge cheapened one o )ingdong's sheep. This >uarrel being hushed, Panurge tipped the !ink upon 1pistemon and Friar 7ohn, and taking them aside, +tand at some distance out o the !ay, said he, and take your share o the ollo!ing scene o mirth. #ou shall ha"e rare sport anon, i my cake be not dough, and my plot do but take. Then addressing himsel to the dro"er, he took o to him a bumper o good lantern !ine. The other pledged him briskly and courteously. This done, Panurge earnestly entreated him to sell him one o his sheep. But the other ans!ered him, 5s it come to that, riend and neighbourK ;ould you put tricks upon tra"ellersK *las, ho! inely you lo"e to play upon poor olkL 9ay, you seem a rare chapman, that's the truth on't. 'h, !hat a mighty sheep$merchant you areL 5n good aith, you look liker one o the di"ing trade than a buyer o sheep. *dHookers, !hat a blessing it !ould be to ha"e one's purse !ell lined !ith chink near your !orship at a tripe$house !hen it begins to tha!L (umph, humph, did not !e kno! you !ell, you might ser"e one a slippery trickL Pray do but see, good people, !hat a mighty conjuror the ello! !ould be reckoned. Patience, said PanurgeE but !ai"ing that, be so kind as to sell me one o your sheep. Come, ho! muchK ;hat do you mean, master o mineK ans!ered the other. They are long$!ool sheepE rom these did 7ason take his golden leece. The gold o the house o Burgundy !as dra!n rom them. O!oons, man, they are oriental sheep, topping sheep, atted sheep, sheep o >uality. Be it so, said PanurgeE but sell me one o them, 5 beseech youE and that or a cause, paying you ready money upon the nail, in good and la! ul occidental current cash. ;ilt say ho! muchK Friend, neighbour, ans!ered the seller o

mutton, hark ye me a little, on the ear. Panurge. 'n !hich side you pleaseE 5 hear you. )ingdong. #ou are going to %anternland, they say. Panurge. #ea, "erily. )ingdong. To see ashionsK Panurge. 1"en so. )ingdong. *nd be merryK Panurge. *nd be merry. )ingdong. #our name is, as 5 take it, Robin <uttonK Panurge. *s you please or that, s!eet sir. )ingdong. 9ay, !ithout o ence. Panurge. +o 5 !ould ha"e it. )ingdong. #ou are, as 5 take it, the king's jesterE aren't youK Panurge. *y, ay, anything. )ingdong. Gi"e me your hand$$humph, humph, you go to see ashions, you are the king's jester, your name is Robin <uttonL )o you see this same ramK (is name, too, is Robin. (ere, Robin, Robin, RobinL Baea, baea, baea. (ath he not a rare "oiceK Panurge. *y, marry has he, a "ery ine and harmonious "oice. )ingdong. ;ell, this bargain shall be made bet!een you and me, riend and neighbourE !e !ill get a pair o scales, then you Robin <utton shall be put into one o them, and Tup Robin into the other. 9o! 5 !ill hold you a peck o Busch oysters that in !eight, "alue, and price he shall outdo you, and you shall be ound light in the "ery numerical manner as !hen you shall be hanged and suspended. Patience, said PanurgeE but you !ould do much or me and your !hole posterity i you !ould cha er !ith me or him, or some other o his in eriors. 5 beg it o youE good your !orship, be so kind. (ark ye, riend o mine, ans!ered the otherE !ith the leece o these your ine Rouen cloth is to be madeE your %eominster super ine !ool is mine arse to itE mere lock in comparison. ' their skins the best cordo"an !ill be made, !hich shall be sold or Turkey and <ontelimart, or or +panish leather at least. ' the guts shall be made iddle and harp strings that !ill sell as dear as i they came rom <unican or *>uileia. ;hat do you think on't, hahK 5 you please, sell me one o them, said Panurge, and 5 !ill be yours or e"er. %ook, here's ready cash. ;hat's the priceK This he said e?hibiting his purse stu ed !ith ne! (enricuses.

Chapter /.=55. ;hich i you read you'll ind ho! Panurge bargained !ith )ingdong. 9eighbour, my riend, ans!ered )ingdong, they are meat or none but kings and princesE their lesh is so delicate, so sa"oury, and so dainty that one !ould s!ear it melted in the mouth. 5 bring them out o a country !here the "ery hogs, God be !ith us, li"e on nothing but myrobolans. The so!s in the styes !hen they lie$in @sa"ing the honour o this good companyD are ed only !ith orange$ lo!ers. But, said Panurge, dri"e a bargain !ith me or one o them, and 5 !ill pay you or't like a king, upon the honest !ord o a true TrojanE come, come, !hat do you askK 9ot so ast, Robin, ans!ered the traderE these sheep are lineally descended rom the "ery amily o the ram that !a ted Phry?us and (elle o"er the sea since called the (ellespont. * po? on't, said Panurge, you are clericus "el addiscensL 5ta is a cabbage, and "ere a leek, ans!ered the merchant. But, rr, rrr, rrrr, rrrrr, hoh Robin, rr, rrrrrrr, you don't understand that gibberish, do youK 9o! 5 think on't, o"er all the ields !here they piss, corn gro!s as ast as i the %ord had pissed thereE they need neither be tilled nor dunged. Besides, man, your chemists e?tract the best saltpetre in the !orld out o their urine. 9ay, !ith their "ery dung @!ith re"erence be it spokenD the doctors in our country make pills that cure se"enty$eight kinds o diseases, the least o !hich is the e"il o +t. 1utropius o Iaintes, rom !hich, good %ord, deli"er usL 9o! !hat do you think on't, neighbour, my riendK The truth is, they cost me money, that they do. Cost !hat they !ill, cried Panurge, trade !ith me or one o them, paying you !ell. 'ur riend, >uoth the >uacklike sheepman, do but mind the !onders o nature that are ound in those animals, e"en in a member !hich one !ould think !ere o no use. Take me but these horns, and bray them a little !ith an iron pestle, or !ith an andiron, !hich you please, it is all one to meE then bury them !here"er you !ill, pro"ided it be !here the sun may shine, and !ater them re>uentlyE in a e! months 5'll engage you !ill ha"e the best asparagus in the !orld, not e"en e?cepting those o Ra"enna. 9o!, come and tell me !hether the horns o your other knights o the bull's eather ha"e such a "irtue and !onder ul proprietyK Patience, said Panurge. 5 don't kno! !hether you be a scholar or no, pursued )ingdongE 5 ha"e seen a !orld o scholars, 5 say great scholars, that !ere cuckolds, 5'll assure you. But hark you me, i you !ere a scholar, you should kno! that in the most in erior members o those animals, !hich are the eet, there is a bone, !hich is the heel, the astragalus, i you !ill ha"e it so, !here!ith, and !ith that o no other creature breathing, e?cept the 5ndian ass and the dorcades o %ibya, they used in old times to play at the royal game o dice, !hereat *ugustus the emperor !on abo"e i ty thousand cro!ns one e"ening. 9o! such cuckolds as you !ill be hanged ere you get hal so much at it. Patience, said PanurgeE but let us despatch. *nd !hen, my riend and neighbour, continued the canting sheepseller, shall 5 ha"e duly praised the in!ard members, the shoulders, the legs, the knuckles, the neck, the breast, the li"er, the spleen, the tripes, the kidneys, the bladder, !here!ith they make ootballsE the ribs, !hich ser"e in Pigmyland to make little crossbo!s to pelt the cranes !ith cherry$stonesE the head, !hich !ith a little brimstone ser"es to make a miraculous decoction to loosen and ease the belly o costi"e dogsK * turd on't, said the skipper to his preaching passenger, !hat a iddle$ addle ha"e !e hereK There is too long a lecture by hal & sell him i thou !iltE i thou !on't, don't let the man lose more time. 5 hate a gibble$gabble and a rimble$ramble talk. 5 am or a man o bre"ity.

5 !ill, or your sake, replied the holder$ orthE but then he shall gi"e me three li"res, French money, or each pick and choose. 5t is a !oundy price, cried PanurgeE in our country 5 could ha"e i"e, nay si?, or the moneyE see that you do not o"erreach me, master. #ou are not the irst man !hom 5 ha"e kno!n to ha"e allen, e"en sometimes to the endangering, i not breaking, o his o!n neck, or endea"ouring to rise all at once. * murrain seiHe thee or a blockheaded booby, cried the angry seller o sheepE by the !orthy "o! o 'ur %ady o Charrou?, the !orst in this lock is our times better than those !hich the Cora?ians in Tuditania, a country o +pain, used to sell or a gold talent eachE and ho! much dost thou think, thou (ibernian ool, that a talent o gold !as !orthK +!eet sir, you all into a passion, 5 see, returned PanurgeE !ell, hold, here is your money. Panurge, ha"ing paid his money, chose him out o all the lock a ine topping ramE and as he !as hauling it along, crying out and bleating, all the rest, hearing and bleating in concert, stared to see !hither their brother$ram should be carried. 5n the mean!hile the dro"er !as saying to his shepherds& *hL ho! !ell the kna"e could choose him out a ramE the !horeson has skill in cattle. 'n my honest !ord, 5 reser"ed that "ery piece o lesh or the %ord o Cancale, !ell kno!ing his dispositionE or the good man is naturally o"erjoyed !hen he holds a good$siHed handsome shoulder o mutton, instead o a le t$handed racket, in one hand, !ith a good sharp car"er in the other. God !ot, ho! he belabours himsel then.

Chapter /.=555. (o! Panurge caused )ingdong and his sheep to be dro!ned in the sea. 'n a sudden, you !ould !onder ho! the thing !as so soon done$$ or my part 5 cannot tell you, or 5 had not leisure to mind it$$our riend Panurge, !ithout any urther tittle$tattle, thro!s you his ram o"erboard into the middle o the sea, bleating and making a sad noise. 8pon this all the other sheep in the ship, crying and bleating in the same tone, made all the haste they could to leap nimbly into the sea, one a ter anotherE and great !as the throng !ho should leap in irst a ter their leader. 5t !as impossible to hinder themE or you kno! that it is the nature o sheep al!ays to ollo! the irst !heresoe"er it goesE !hich makes *ristotle, lib. F. )e. (ist. *nimal., mark them or the most silly and oolish animals in the !orld. )ingdong, at his !its' end, and stark staring mad, as a man !ho sa! his sheep destroy and dro!n themsel"es be ore his ace, stro"e to hinder and keep them back !ith might and mainE but all in "ain& they all one a ter t'other risked and jumped into the sea, and !ere lost. *t last he laid hold on a huge sturdy one by the leece, upon the deck o the ship, hoping to keep it back, and so sa"e that and the restE but the ram !as so strong that it pro"ed too hard or him, and carried its master into the herring pond in spite o his teeth$$!here it is supposed he drank some!hat more than his ill, so that he !as dro!ned$$in the same manner as one$eyed Polyphemus' sheep carried out o the den 8lysses and his companions. The like happened to the shepherds and all their gang, some laying hold on their belo"ed tup, this by the horns, t'other by the legs, a third by the rump, and others by the leeceE till in ine they !ere all o them orced to sea, and dro!ned like so many rats. Panurge, on the gunnel o the ship, !ith an oar in his hand, not to help them you may s!ear, but to keep them rom s!imming to the ship and sa"ing themsel"es rom dro!ning, preached and canted to them all the !hile like any little Friar @'li"erD <aillard, or another Friar 7ohn BurgessE laying be ore them rhetorical commonplaces

concerning the miseries o this li e and the blessings and elicity o the ne?tE assuring them that the dead !ere much happier than the li"ing in this "ale o misery, and promised to erect a stately cenotaph and honorary tomb to e"ery one o them on the highest summit o <ount Cenis at his return rom %anternlandE !ishing them, ne"ertheless, in case they !ere not yet disposed to shake hands !ith this li e, and did not like their salt li>uor, they might ha"e the good luck to meet !ith some kind !hale !hich might set them ashore sa e and sound on some blessed land o Gotham, a ter a amous e?ample. The ship being cleared o )ingdong and his tups& 5s there e"er another sheepish soul le t lurking on boardK cried Panurge. ;here are those o Toby %amb and Robin Ram that sleep !hile the rest are a$ eedingK Faith, 5 can't tell mysel . This !as an old coaster's trick. ;hat think'st o it, Friar 7ohn, hahK Rarely per ormed, ans!ered Friar 7ohnE only methinks that as ormerly in !ar, on the day o battle, a double pay !as commonly promised the soldiers or that dayE or i they o"ercame, there !as enough to pay themE and i they lost, it !ould ha"e been shame ul or them to demand it, as the co!ardly oresters did a ter the battle o CeriHolesE like!ise, my riend, you ought not to ha"e paid your man, and the money had been sa"ed. * art or the money, said PanurgeE ha"e 5 not had abo"e i ty thousand pounds' !orth o sportK Come no!, let's be goneE the !ind is air. (ark you me, my riend 7ohnE ne"er did man do me a good turn, but 5 returned, or at least ackno!ledged itE no, 5 scorn to be ungrate ulE 5 ne"er !as, nor e"er !ill be. 9e"er did man do me an ill one !ithout rueing the day that he did it, either in this !orld or the ne?t. 5 am not yet so much a ool neither. Thou damn'st thysel like any old de"il, >uoth Friar 7ohnE it is !ritten, <ihi "indictam, Nc. <atter o bre"iary, mark ye me @<otteu? adds unnecessarily @by !ay o e?planationD, 'that's holy stu .'D.

Chapter /.5I. (o! Pantagruel arri"ed at the island o 1nnasin, and o the strange !ays o being akin in that country. ;e had still the !ind at south$south$!est, and had been a !hole day !ithout making land. 'n the third day, at the lies' uprising @!hich, you kno!, is some t!o or three hours a ter the sun'sD, !e got sight o a triangular island, "ery much like +icily or its orm and situation. 5t !as called the 5sland o *lliances. The people there are much like your carrot$pated Poite"ins, sa"e only that all o them, men, !omen, and children, ha"e their noses shaped like an ace o clubs. For that reason the ancient name o the country !as 1nnasin. They !ere all akin, as the mayor o the place told usE at least they boasted so. #ou people o the other !orld esteem it a !onder ul thing that, out o the amily o the Fabii at Rome, on a certain day, !hich !as the 3Cth o February, at a certain gate, !hich !as the Porta Carmentalis, since named +celerata, ormerly situated at the oot o the Capitol, bet!een the Tarpeian rock and the Tiber, marched out against the =eientes o 1truria three hundred and si? men bearing arms, all related to each other, !ith i"e thousand other soldiers, e"ery one o them their "assals, !ho !ere all slain near the ri"er Cremera, that comes out o the lake o Beccano. 9o!

rom this same country o 1nnasin, in case o need, abo"e three hundred thousand, all relations and o one amily, might march out. Their degrees o consanguinity and alliance are "ery strangeE or being thus akin and allied to one another, !e ound that none !as either ather or mother, brother or sister, uncle or aunt, nephe! or niece, son$in$la! or daughter$in$la!, god ather or godmother, to the otherE unless, truly, a tall lat$nosed old ello!, !ho, as 5 percei"ed, called a little shitten$arsed girl o three or our years old, ather, and the child called him daughter. Their distinction o degrees o kindred !as thus& a man used to call a !oman, my lean bitE the !oman called him, my porpoise. Those, said Friar 7ohn, must needs stink damnably o ish !hen they ha"e rubbed their bacon one !ith the other. 'ne, smiling on a young bu?om baggage, said, Good morro!, dear currycomb. +he, to return him his ci"ility, said, The like to you, my steed. (aL haL haL said Panurge, that is pretty !ell, in aithE or indeed it stands her in good stead to currycomb this steed. *nother greeted his buttock !ith a Fare!ell, my case. +he replied, *dieu, trial. By +t. ;ini red's placket, cried Gymnast, this case has been o ten tried. *nother asked a she$ riend o his, (o! is it, hatchetK +he ans!ered him, *t your ser"ice, dear hel"e. 'dds belly, saith Carpalin, this hel"e and this hatchet are !ell matched. *s !e !ent on, 5 sa! one !ho, calling his she$relation, styled her my crumb, and she called him, my crust. Juoth one to a brisk, plump, juicy emale, 5 am glad to see you, dear tap. +o am 5 to ind you so merry, s!eet spiggot, replied she. 'ne called a !ench, his sho"elE she called him, her peal& one named his, my slipperE and she, my oot& another, my bootE she, my shasoon. 5n the same degree o kindred, one called his, my butterE she called him, my eggsE and they !ere akin just like a dish o buttered eggs. 5 heard one call his, my tripe, and she him, my aggot. 9o! 5 could not, or the heart's blood o me, pick out or disco"er !hat parentage, alliance, a inity, or consanguinity !as bet!een them, !ith re erence to our customE only they told us that she !as aggot's tripe. @Tripe de agot means the smallest sticks in a aggot.D *nother, complimenting his con"enient, said, #ours, my shellE she replied, 5 !as yours be ore, s!eet oyster. 5 reckon, said Carpalin, she hath gutted his oyster. *nother long$shanked ugly rogue, mounted on a pair o high$heeled !ooden slippers, meeting a strapping, usty, s>uabbed do!dy, says he to her, (o! is't my topK +he !as short upon him, and arrogantly replied, 9e"er the better or you, my !hip. By +t. *ntony's hog, said Ienomanes, 5 belie"e soE or ho! can this !hip be su icient to lash this topK * college pro essor, !ell pro"ided !ith cod, and po!dered and prinked up, ha"ing a !hile discoursed !ith a great lady, taking his lea"e !ith these !ords, Thank you, s!eetmeatE she cried, There needs no thanks, sour$sauce. +aith Pantagruel, This is not altogether incongruous, or s!eet meat must ha"e sour sauce. * !ooden loggerhead said to a young !ench, 5t is long since 5 sa! you, bagE *ll the better, cried she, pipe. +et them together, said Panurge, then blo! in their arses, it !ill be a bagpipe. ;e sa!, a ter that, a diminuti"e humpbacked gallant, pretty near us, taking lea"e o a she$relation o his, thus& Fare thee !ell, riend holeE she reparteed, +a"e thee, riend peg. Juoth Friar 7ohn, ;hat could they say more, !ere he all peg and she all holeK But no! !ould 5 gi"e something to kno! i e"ery cranny o the hole can be stopped up !ith that same peg. * ba!dy bachelor, talking !ith an old trout, !as saying, Remember, rusty

gun. 5 !ill not ail, said she, scourer. )o you reckon these t!o to be akinK said Pantagruel to the mayor. 5 rather take them to be oes. 5n our country a !oman !ould take this as a mortal a ront. Good people o t'other !orld, replied the mayor, you ha"e e! such and so near relations as this gun and scourer are to one anotherE or they both come out o one shop. ;hat, !as the shop their motherK >uoth Panurge. ;hat mother, said the mayor, does the man meanK That must be some o your !orld's a inityE !e ha"e here neither ather nor mother. #our little paltry ello!s that li"e on t'other side the !ater, poor rogues, booted !ith !isps o hay, may indeed ha"e suchE but !e scorn it. The good Pantagruel stood gaHing and listeningE but at those !ords he had like to ha"e lost all patience. @(ere <otteu? adds an aside$$'os kai nun o 1rmeneutes. P.<.'D. (a"ing "ery e?actly "ie!ed the situation o the island and the !ay o li"ing o the 1nassed nation, !e !ent to take a cup o the creature at a ta"ern, !here there happened to be a !edding a ter the manner o the country. Bating that shocking custom, there !as special good cheer. ;hile !e !ere there, a pleasant match !as struck up bet!i?t a emale called Pear @a tight thing, as !e thought, but by some, !ho kne! better things, said to be >uaggy and labbyD, and a young so t male, called Cheese, some!hat sandy. @<any such matches ha"e been, and they !ere ormerly much commended.D 5n our country !e say, 5l ne ut on>ues tel mariage, >u'est de la poire et du romageE there is no match like that made bet!een the pear and the cheeseE and in many other places good store o such bargains ha"e been dri"en. Besides, !hen the !omen are at their last prayers, it is to this day a noted saying, that a ter cheese comes nothing. 5n another room 5 sa! them marrying an old greasy boot to a young pliable buskin. Pantagruel !as told that young buskin took old boot to ha"e and to hold because she !as o special leather, in good case, and !a?ed, seared, li>uored, and greased to the purpose, e"en though it had been or the isherman that !ent to bed !ith his boots on. 5n another room belo!, 5 sa! a young brogue taking a young slipper or better or !orseE !hich, they told us, !as neither or the sake o her piety, parts, or person, but or the ourth comprehensi"e p, portionE the spankers, spur$royals, rose$nobles, and other coriander seed !ith !hich she !as >uilted all o"er.

Chapter /.I. (o! Pantagruel !ent ashore at the island o Chely, !here he sa! :ing +t. Panigon. ;e sailed right be ore the !ind, !hich !e had at !est, lea"ing those odd alliancers !ith their ace$o $clubs snouts, and ha"ing taken height by the sun, stood in or Chely, a large, ruit ul, !ealthy, and !ell$peopled island. :ing +t. Panigon, irst o the name, reigned there, and, attended by the princes his sons and the nobles o his court, came as ar as the port to recei"e Pantagruel, and conducted him to his palaceE near the gate o !hich the >ueen, attended by the princesses her daughters and the court ladies, recei"ed us. Panigon directed her and all her retinue to salute Pantagruel and his men !ith a kissE or such !as the ci"il custom o the countryE and they !ere all airly bussed accordingly, e?cept Friar 7ohn, !ho stepped aside and sneaked o among the king's o icers. Panigon used all the entreaties imaginable to persuade Pantagruel to tarry there that

day and the ne?tE but he !ould needs be gone, and e?cused himsel upon the opportunity o !ind and !eather, !hich, being o tener desired than enjoyed, ought not to be neglected !hen it comes. Panigon, ha"ing heard these reasons, let us go, but irst made us take o some i"e$and$t!enty or thirty bumpers each. Pantagruel, returning to the port, missed Friar 7ohn, and asked !hy he !as not !ith the rest o the company. Panurge could not tell ho! to e?cuse him, and !ould ha"e gone back to the palace to call him, !hen Friar 7ohn o"ertook them, and merrily cried, %ong li"e the noble PanigonL *s 5 lo"e my belly, he minds good eating, and keeps a noble house and a dainty kitchen. 5 ha"e been there, boys. 1"erything goes about by doHens. 5 !as in good hopes to ha"e stu ed my puddings there like a monk. ;hatL al!ays in a kitchen, riendK said Pantagruel. By the belly o +t. Cramcapon, >uoth the riar, 5 understand the customs and ceremonies !hich are used there much better than all the ormal stu , anti>ue postures, and nonsensical iddle$ addle that must be used !ith those !omen, magni magna, shittencumshita, cringes, grimaces, scrapes, bo!s, and congeesE double honours this !ay, triple salutes that !ay, the embrace, the grasp, the s>ueeHe, the hug, the leer, the smack, baso las manos de "ostra merce, de "ostra maesta. #ou are most tarabin, tarabas, +trontE that's do!nright )utch. ;hy all this adoK 5 don't say but a man might be or a bit by the bye and a!ay, to be doing as !ell as his neighboursE but this little nasty cringing and courtesying made me as mad as any <arch de"il. #ou talk o kissing ladiesE by the !orthy and sacred rock 5 !ear, 5 seldom "enture upon it, lest 5 be ser"ed as !as the %ord o Guyercharois. ;hat !as itK said PantagruelE 5 kno! him. (e is one o the best riends 5 ha"e. (e !as in"ited to a sumptuous east, said Friar 7ohn, by a relation and neighbour o his, together !ith all the gentlemen and ladies in the neighbourhood. 9o! some o the latter e?pecting his coming, dressed the pages in !omen's clothes, and ini ied them like any babiesE then ordered them to meet my lord at his coming near the dra!bridge. +o the complimenting monsieur came, and there kissed the petticoated lads !ith great ormality. *t last the ladies, !ho minded passages in the gallery, burst out !ith laughing, and made signs to the pages to take o their dressE !hich the good lord ha"ing obser"ed, the de"il a bit he durst make up to the true ladies to kiss them, but said, that since they had disguised the pages, by his great grand ather's helmet, these !ere certainly the "ery ootmen and grooms still more cunningly disguised. 'dds ish, da jurandi, !hy do not !e rather remo"e our humanities into some good !arm kitchen o God, that noble laboratory, and there admire the turning o the spits, the harmonious rattling o the jacks and enders, criticise on the position o the lard, the temperature o the pottages, the preparation or the dessert, and the order o the !ine ser"iceK Beati immaculati in "ia. <atter o bre"iary, my masters.

Chapter /.I5. ;hy monks lo"e to be in kitchens. This, said 1pistemon, is spoke like a true monkE 5 mean like a right monking monk, not a bemonked monastical monkling. Truly you put me in mind o some passages that happened at Florence, some t!enty years ago, in a company o studious tra"ellers, ond o "isiting the learned, and seeing

the anti>uities o 5taly, among !hom 5 !as. *s !e "ie!ed the situation and beauty o Florence, the structure o the dome, the magni icence o the churches and palaces, !e stro"e to outdo one another in gi"ing them their dueE !hen a certain monk o *miens, Bernard %ardon by name, >uite angry, scandaliHed, and out o all patience, told us, 5 don't kno! !hat the de"il you can ind in this same to!n, that is so much cried upE or my part 5 ha"e looked and pored and stared as !ell as the best o youE 5 think my eyesight is as clear as another body's, and !hat can one see a ter allK There are ine houses, indeed and that's all. But the cage does not eed the birds. God and <onsieur +t. Bernard, our good patron, be !ith usL in all this same to!n 5 ha"e not seen one poor lane o roasting cooksE and yet 5 ha"e not a little looked about and sought or so necessary a part o a common!ealth& ay, and 5 dare assure you that 5 ha"e pried up and do!n !ith the e?actness o an in ormerE as ready to number, both to the right and le t, ho! many, and on !hat side, !e might ind most roasting cooks, as a spy !ould be to reckon the bastions o a to!n. 9o! at *miens, in our, nay, i"e times less ground than !e ha"e trod in our contemplations, 5 could ha"e sho!n you abo"e ourteen streets o roasting cooks, most ancient, sa"oury, and aromatic. 5 cannot imagine !hat kind o pleasure you can ha"e taken in gaHing on the lions and * ricans @so methinks you call their tigersD near the bel ry, or in ogling the porcupines and estridges in the %ord Philip +troHHi's palace. Faith and truth 5 had rather see a good at goose at the spit. This porphyry, those marbles are ineE 5 say nothing to the contraryE but our cheesecakes at *miens are ar better in my mind. These ancient statues are !ell madeE 5 am !illing to belie"e itE but, by +t. Ferreol o *bbe"ille, !e ha"e young !enches in our country !hich please me better a thousand times. ;hat is the reason, asked Friar 7ohn, that monks are al!ays to be ound in kitchens, and kings, emperors, and popes are ne"er thereK 5s there not, said RhiHotome, some latent "irtue and speci ic propriety hid in the kettles and pans, !hich, as the loadstone attracts iron, dra!s the monks there, and cannot attract emperors, popes, or kingsK 'r is it a natural induction and inclination, i?ed in the rocks and co!ls, !hich o itsel leads and orceth those good religious men into kitchens, !hether they !ill or noK (e !ould speak o orms ollo!ing matter, as *"erroes calls them, ans!ered 1pistemon. Right, said Friar 7ohn. 5 !ill not o er to sol"e this problem, said PantagruelE or it is some!hat ticklish, and you can hardly handle it !ithout coming o scur"ilyE but 5 !ill tell you !hat 5 ha"e heard. *ntigonus, :ing o <acedon, one day coming into one o the tents, !here his cooks used to dress his meat, and inding there poet *ntagoras rying a conger, and holding the pan himsel , merrily asked him, Pray, <r. Poet, !as (omer rying congers !hen he !rote the deeds o *gamemnonK *ntagoras readily ans!ered& But do you think, sir, that !hen *gamemnon did them he made it his business to kno! i any in his camp !ere rying congersK The king thought it an indecency that a poet should be thus a$ rying in a kitchenE and the poet let the king kno! that it !as a more indecent thing or a king to be ound in such a place. 5'll clap another story upon the neck o this, >uoth Panurge, and !ill tell you !hat Breton =illandry ans!ered one day to the )uke o Guise. They !ere saying that at a certain battle o :ing Francis against Charles the Fi th, Breton, armed cap$a$pie to the teeth, and mounted like +t. George, yet sneaked o , and played least in sight during the engagement.

Blood and oons, ans!ered Breton, 5 !as there, and can pro"e it easilyE nay, e"en !here you, my lord, dared not ha"e been. The duke began to resent this as too rash and saucyE but Breton easily appeased him, and set them all a$laughing. 1gad, my lord, >uoth he, 5 kept out o harm's !ayE 5 !as all the !hile !ith your page 7ack, skulking in a certain place !here you had not dared hide your head as 5 did. Thus discoursing, they got to their ships, and le t the island o Chely.

Chapter /.I55. (o! Pantagruel passed by the land o Petti ogging, and o the strange !ay o li"ing among the Catchpoles. +teering our course or!ards the ne?t day, !e passed through Petti ogging, a country all blurred and blotted, so that 5 could hardly tell !hat to make on't. There !e sa! some petti oggers and catchpoles, rogues that !ill hang their ather or a groat. They neither in"ited us to eat or drinkE but, !ith a multiplied train o scrapes and cringes, said they !ere all at our ser"ice or the %egem pone. 'ne o our droggermen related to Pantagruel their strange !ay o li"ing, diametrically opposed to that o our modern RomansE or at Rome a !orld o olks get an honest li"elihood by poisoning, drubbing, lambasting, stabbing, and murtheringE but the catchpoles earn theirs by being thrashedE so that i they !ere long !ithout a tight lambasting, the poor dogs !ith their !i"es and children !ould be star"ed. This is just, >uoth Panurge, like those !ho, as Galen tells us, cannot erect the ca"ernous ner"e to!ards the e>uinoctial circle unless they are soundly logged. By +t. Patrick's slipper, !hoe"er should jerk me so, !ould soon, instead o setting me right, thro! me o the saddle, in the de"il's name. The !ay is this, said the interpreter. ;hen a monk, le"ite, close$ isted usurer, or la!yer o!es a grudge to some neighbouring gentleman, he sends to him one o those catchpoles or apparitors, !ho nabs, or at least cites him, ser"es a !rit or !arrant upon him, thumps, abuses, and a ronts him impudently by natural instinct, and according to his pious instructionsE insomuch, that i the gentleman hath but any guts in his brains, and is not more stupid than a gyrin rog, he !ill ind himsel obliged either to apply a aggot$stick or his s!ord to the rascal's jobberno!l, gi"e him the gentle lash, or make him cut a caper out at the !indo!, by !ay o correction. This done, Catchpole is rich or our months at least, as i bastinadoes !ere his real har"estE or the monk, le"ite, usurer, or la!yer !ill re!ard him roundlyE and my gentleman must pay him such s!ingeing damages that his acres must bleed or it, and he be in danger o miserably rotting !ithin a stone doublet, as i he had struck the king. Juoth Panurge, 5 kno! an e?cellent remedy against this used by the %ord o Basche. ;hat is itK said Pantagruel. The %ord o Basche, said Panurge, !as a bra"e, honest, noble$spirited gentleman, !ho, at his return rom the long !ar in !hich the )uke o Ferrara, !ith the help o the French, bra"ely de ended himsel against the ury o Pope 7ulius the +econd, !as e"ery day cited, !arned, and prosecuted at the suit and or the sport and ancy o the at prior o +t. %ouant. 'ne morning, as he !as at break ast !ith some o his domestics @ or he

lo"ed to be sometimes among themD he sent or one %oire, his baker, and his spouse, and or one 'udart, the "icar o his parish, !ho !as also his butler, as the custom !as then in FranceE then said to them be ore his gentlemen and other ser"ants& #ou all see ho! 5 am daily plagued !ith these rascally catchpoles. Truly, i you do not lend me your helping hand, 5 am inally resol"ed to lea"e the country, and go ight or the sultan, or the de"il, rather than be thus eternally teased. There ore, to be rid o their damned "isits, herea ter, !hen any o them come here, be ready, you baker and your !i e, to make your personal appearance in my great hall, in your !edding clothes, as i you !ere going to be a ianced. (ere, take these ducats, !hich 5 gi"e you to keep you in a itting garb. *s or you, +ir 'udart, be sure you make your personal appearance there in your ine surplice and stole, not orgetting your holy !ater, as i you !ere to !ed them. Be you there also, Trudon, said he to his drummer, !ith your pipe and tabor. The orm o matrimony must be read, and the bride kissedE then all o you, as the !itnesses used to do in this country, shall gi"e one another the remembrance o the !edding, !hich you kno! is to be a blo! !ith your ist, bidding the party struck remember the nuptials by that token. This !ill but make you ha"e the better stomach to your supperE but !hen you come to the catchpole's turn, thrash him thrice and three old, as you !ould a shea o green cornE do not spare himE maul him, drub him, lambast him, s!inge him o , 5 pray you. (ere, take these steel gauntlets, co"ered !ith kid. (ead, back, belly, and sides, gi"e him blo!s innumerableE he that gi"es him most shall be my best riend. Fear not to be called to an account about itE 5 !ill stand by youE or the blo!s must seem to be gi"en in jest, as it is customary among us at all !eddings. *y, but ho! shall !e kno! the catchpoleK said the man o God. *ll sorts o people daily resort to this castle. 5 ha"e taken care o that, replied the lord. ;hen some ello!, either on oot, or on a scur"y jade, !ith a large broad sil"er ring on his thumb, comes to the door, he is certainly a catchpoleE the porter ha"ing ci"illy let him in, shall ring the bellE then be all ready, and come into the hall, to act the tragi$comedy !hose plot 5 ha"e no! laid or you. That numerical day, as chance !ould ha"e it, came an old at ruddy catchpole. (a"ing knocked at the gate, and then pissed, as most men !ill do, the porter soon ound him out, by his large greasy spatterdashes, his jaded hollo!$ lanked mare, his bag ul o !rits and in ormations dangling at his girdle, but, abo"e all, by the large sil"er hoop on his le t thumb. The porter !as ci"il to him, admitted him in kindly, and rung the bell briskly. *s soon as the baker and his !i e heard it, they clapped on their best clothes, and made their personal appearance in the hall, keeping their gra"ities like a ne!$made judge. The dominie put on his surplice and stole, and as he came out o his o ice, met the catchpole, had him in there, and made him suck his ace a good !hile, !hile the gauntlets !ere dra!ing on all handsE and then told him, #ou are come just in pudding$timeE my lord is in his right cue. ;e shall east like kings anonE here is to be s!ingeing doingsE !e ha"e a !edding in the houseE here, drink and cheer upE pull a!ay. ;hile these t!o !ere at it hand$to$ ist, Basche, seeing all his people in the hall in their proper e>uipage, sends or the "icar. 'udart comes !ith the holy$!ater pot, ollo!ed by the catchpole, !ho, as he came into the hall, did not orget to make good store o a!k!ard cringes, and then ser"ed Basche !ith a !rit. Basche ga"e him grimace or grimace, slipped an angel

into his mutton$ ist, and prayed him to assist at the contract and ceremonyE !hich he did. ;hen it !as ended, thumps and isticu s began to ly about among the assistantsE but !hen it came to the catchpole's turn, they all laid on him so unmerci ully !ith their gauntlets that they at last settled him, all stunned and battered, bruised and morti ied, !ith one o his eyes black and blue, eight ribs bruised, his brisket sunk in, his omoplates in our >uarters, his under ja!bone in three piecesE and all this in jest, and no harm done. God !ot ho! the le"ite belaboured him, hiding !ithin the long slee"e o his canonical shirt his huge steel gauntlet lined !ith ermineE or he !as a strong$built ball, and an old dog at isticu s. The catchpole, all o a bloody tiger$like stripe, !ith much ado cra!led home to %'5sle Bouchart, !ell pleased and edi ied, ho!e"er, !ith Basche's kind receptionE and, !ith the help o the good surgeons o the place, li"ed as long as you !ould ha"e him. From that time to this, not a !ord o the businessE the memory o it !as lost !ith the sound o the bells that rung !ith joy at his uneral.

Chapter /.I555. (o!, like <aster Francis =illon, the %ord o Basche commended his ser"ants. The catchpole being packed o on blind +orrel$$so he called his one$eyed mare$$Basche sent or his lady, her !omen, and all his ser"ants, into the arbour o his gardenE had !ine brought, attended !ith good store o pasties, hams, ruit, and other table$ammunition, or a nunchionE drank !ith them joy ully, and then told them this story& <aster Francis =illon in his old age retired to +t. <a?ent in Poitou, under the patronage o a good honest abbot o the place. There to make sport or the mob, he undertook to get the Passion acted, a ter the !ay, and in the dialect o the country. The parts being distributed, the play ha"ing been rehearsed, and the stage prepared, he told the mayor and aldermen that the mystery might be ready a ter 9iort air, and that there only !anted properties and necessaries, but chie ly clothes it or the partsE so the mayor and his brethren took care to get them. =illon, to dress an old clo!nish ather greybeard, !ho !as to represent God the ather, begged o Friar +tephen Tickletoby, sacristan to the Franciscan riars o the place, to lend him a cope and a stole. Tickletoby re used him, alleging that by their pro"incial statutes it !as rigorously orbidden to gi"e or lend anything to players. =illon replied that the statute reached no arther than arces, drolls, antics, loose and dissolute games, and that he asked no more than !hat he had seen allo!ed at Brussels and other places. Tickletoby not!ithstanding peremptorily bid him pro"ide himsel else!here i he !ould, and not to hope or anything out o his monastical !ardrobe. =illon ga"e an account o this to the players, as o a most abominable actionE adding, that God !ould shortly re"enge himsel , and make an e?ample o Tickletoby. The +aturday ollo!ing he had notice gi"en him that Tickletoby, upon the illy o the con"ent$$so they call a young mare that !as ne"er leaped yet $$!as gone a$mumping to +t. %igarius, and !ould be back about t!o in the a ternoon. :no!ing this, he made a ca"alcade o his de"ils o the Passion through the to!n. They !ere all rigged !ith !ol"es', cal"es', and rams' skins, laced and trimmed !ith sheep's heads, bull's eathers, and large

kitchen tenterhooks, girt !ith broad leathern girdles, !hereat hanged dangling huge co!$bells and horse$bells, !hich made a horrid din. +ome held in their cla!s black sticks ull o s>uibs and crackersE others had long lighted pieces o !ood, upon !hich, at the corner o e"ery street, they lung !hole hand uls o rosin$dust, that made a terrible ire and smoke. (a"ing thus led them about, to the great di"ersion o the mob and the dread ul ear o little children, he inally carried them to an entertainment at a summer$house !ithout the gate that leads to +t. %igarius. *s they came near to the place, he espied Tickletoby a ar o , coming home rom mumping, and told them in macaronic "erse& (ic est de patria, natus, de gente belistra, Jui solet anti>ua bribas portare bisacco. @<otteu? reads& '(ic est mumpator natus de gente Cuco!li, Jui solet anti>uo +crappas portare bisacco.'D * plague on his riarship, said the de"ils thenE the lousy beggar !ould not lend a poor cope to the atherly atherE let us right him. ;ell said, cried =illonE but let us hide oursel"es till he comes by, and then charge him home briskly !ith your s>uibs and burning sticks. Tickletoby being come to the place, they all rushed on a sudden into the road to meet him, and in a right ul manner thre! ire rom all sides upon him and his illy oal, ringing and tingling their bells, and ho!ling like so many real de"ils, (ho, hho, hho, hho, brrou, rrou, rrourrs, rrrourrs, hoo, hou, hou hho, hho, hhoi. Friar +tephen, don't !e play the de"ils rarelyK The illy !as soon scared out o her se"en senses, and began to start, to unk it, to s>uirt it, to trot it, to art it, to bound it, to gallop it, to kick it, to spurn it, to calcitrate it, to !ince it, to risk it, to leap it, to cur"et it, !ith double jerks, and bum$motionsE insomuch that she thre! do!n Tickletoby, though he held ast by the tree o the pack$saddle !ith might and main. 9o! his straps and stirrups !ere o cordE and on the right side his sandals !ere so entangled and t!isted that he could not or the heart's blood o him get out his oot. Thus he !as dragged about by the illy through the road, scratching his bare breech all the !ayE she still multiplying her kicks against him, and straying or ear o"er hedge and ditch, insomuch that she trepanned his thick skull so that his cockle brains !ere dashed out near the 'sanna or high$cross. Then his arms ell to pieces, one this !ay and the other that !ayE and e"en so !ere his legs ser"ed at the same time. Then she made a bloody ha"oc !ith his puddingsE and being got to the con"ent, brought back only his right oot and t!isted sandal, lea"ing them to guess !hat !as become o the rest. =illon, seeing that things had succeeded as he intended, said to his de"ils, #ou !ill act rarely, gentlemen de"ils, you !ill act rarelyE 5 dare engage you'll top your parts. 5 de y the de"ils o +aumur, )ouay, <ontmorillon, %angeH, +t. 1spain, *ngersE nay, by gad, e"en those o Poictiers, or all their bragging and "apouring, to match you. Thus, riends, said Basche, 5 oresee that herea ter you !ill act rarely this tragical arce, since the "ery irst time you ha"e so skil ully hampered, beth!acked, belammed, and bebumped the catchpole. From this day 5 double your !ages. *s or you, my dear, said he to his lady, make your grati ications as you pleaseE you are my treasurer, you kno!. For my part, irst and oremost, 5 drink to you all. Come on, bo? it aboutE it is good

and cool. 5n the second place, you, <r. +te!ard, take this sil"er basinE 5 gi"e it you reely. Then you, my gentlemen o the horse, take these t!o sil"er$gilt cups, and let not the pages be horse!hipped these three months. <y dear, let them ha"e my best !hite plumes o eathers, !ith the gold buckles to them. +ir 'udart, this sil"er lagon alls to your shareE this other 5 gi"e to the cooks. To the "alets de chambre 5 gi"e this sil"er basketE to the grooms, this sil"er$gilt boatE to the porter, these t!o platesE to the hostlers, these ten porringers. Trudon, take you these sil"er spoons and this sugar$bo?. #ou, ootman, take this large salt. +er"e me !ell, and 5 !ill remember you. For, on the !ord o a gentleman, 5 had rather bear in !ar one hundred blo!s on my helmet in the ser"ice o my country than be once cited by these kna"ish catchpoles merely to humour this same gorbellied prior.

Chapter /.I5=. * urther account o catchpoles !ho !ere drubbed at Basche's house. Four days a ter another young, long$shanked, ra!$boned catchpole coming to ser"e Basche !ith a !rit at the at prior's re>uest, !as no sooner at the gate but the porter smelt him out and rung the bellE at !hose second pull all the amily understood the mystery. %oire !as kneading his doughE his !i e !as si ting mealE 'udart !as toping in his o iceE the gentlemen !ere playing at tennisE the %ord Basche at in$and$out !ith my ladyE the !aiting$men and gentle$!omen at push$pinE the o icers at lanterloo, and the pages at hot$cockles, gi"ing one another smart bangs. They !ere all immediately in ormed that a catchpole !as housed. 8pon this 'udart put on his sacerdotal, and %oire and his !i e their nuptial badgesE Trudon piped it, and then tabored it like madE all made haste to get ready, not orgetting the gauntlets. Basche !ent into the out!ard yardE there the catchpole meeting him ell on his marro!$bones, begged o him not to take it ill i he ser"ed him !ith a !rit at the suit o the at priorE and in a pathetic speech let him kno! that he !as a public person, a ser"ant to the monking tribe, apparitor to the abbatial mitre, ready to do as much or him, nay, or the least o his ser"ants, !hensoe"er he !ould employ and use him. 9ay, truly, said the lord, you shall not ser"e your !rit till you ha"e tasted some o my good Juin>uenays !ine, and been a !itness to a !edding !hich !e are to ha"e this "ery minute. %et him drink and re resh himsel , added he, turning to!ards the le"itical butler, and then bring him into the hall. * ter !hich, Catchpole, !ell stu ed and moistened, came !ith 'udart to the place !here all the actors in the arce stood ready to begin. The sight o their game set them a$laughing, and the messenger o mischie grinned also or company's sake. Then the mysterious !ords !ere muttered to and by the couple, their hands joined, the bride bussed, and all besprinkled !ith holy !ater. ;hile they !ere bringing !ine and kicksha!s, thumps began to trot about by doHens. The catchpole ga"e the le"ite se"eral blo!s. 'udart, !ho had his gauntlet hid under his canonical shirt, dra!s it on like a mitten, and then, !ith his clenched ist, souse he ell on the catchpole and mauled him like a de"ilE the junior gauntlets dropped on him like!ise like so many battering rams. Remember the !edding by this, by that, by these blo!s, said they. 5n short, they stroked him so to the purpose that he pissed blood out at mouth, nose, ears, and eyes, and !as

bruised, th!acked, battered, bebumped, and crippled at the back, neck, breast, arms, and so orth. 9e"er did the bachelors at *"ignon in carni"al time play more melodiously at raphe than !as then played on the catchpole's microcosm. *t last do!n he ell. They thre! a great deal o !ine on his snout, tied round the slee"e o his doublet a ine yello! and green a"our, and got him upon his snotty beast, and God kno!s ho! he got to %'5sle BouchartE !here 5 cannot truly tell you !hether he !as dressed and looked a ter or no, both by his spouse and the able doctors o the countryE or the thing ne"er came to my ears. The ne?t day they had a third part to the same tune, because it did not appear by the lean catchpole's bag that he had ser"ed his !rit. +o the at prior sent a ne! catchpole, at the head o a brace o bums or his garde du corps, to summon my lord. The porter ringing the bell, the !hole amily !as o"erjoyed, kno!ing that it !as another rogue. Basche !as at dinner !ith his lady and the gentlemenE so he sent or the catchpole, made him sit by him, and the bums by the !omen, and made them eat till their bellies cracked !ith their breeches unbuttoned. The ruit being ser"ed, the catchpole arose rom table, and be ore the bums cited Basche. Basche kindly asked him or a copy o the !arrant, !hich the other had got readyE he then takes !itness and a copy o the summons. To the catchpole and his bums he ordered our ducats or ci"ility money. 5n the meantime all !ere !ithdra!n or the arce. +o Trudon ga"e the alarm !ith his tabor. Basche desired the catchpole to stay and see one o his ser"ants married, and !itness the contract o marriage, paying him his ee. The catchpole slapdash !as ready, took out his inkhorn, got paper immediately, and his bums by him. Then %oire came into the hall at one door, and his !i e !ith the gentle!omen at another, in nuptial accoutrements. 'udart, in ponti icalibus, takes them both by their hands, asketh them their !ill, gi"eth them the matrimonial blessing, and !as "ery liberal o holy !ater. The contract !ritten, signed, and registered, on one side !as brought !ine and com itsE on the other, !hite and orange$ta!ny$coloured a"ours !ere distributedE on another, gauntlets pri"ately handed about.

Chapter /.I=. (o! the ancient custom at nuptials is rene!ed by the catchpole. The catchpole, ha"ing made shi t to get do!n a s!ingeing sneaker o Breton !ine, said to Basche, Pray, sir, !hat do you meanK #ou do not gi"e one another the memento o the !edding. By +t. 7oseph's !ooden shoe, all good customs are orgot. ;e ind the orm, but the hare is scamperedE and the nest, but the birds are lo!n. There are no true riends no!adays. #ou see ho!, in se"eral churches, the ancient laudable custom o tippling on account o the blessed saints ' ', at Christmas, is come to nothing. The !orld is in its dotage, and doomsday is certainly coming all so ast. 9o! come onE the !edding, the !edding, the !eddingE remember it by this. This he said, striking Basche and his ladyE then her !omen and the le"ite. Then the tabor beat a point o !ar, and the gauntlets began to do their dutyE insomuch that the catchpole had his cro!n cracked in no less than nine places. 'ne o the bums had his right arm put out o joint, and the other his upper ja!$bone or mandibule dislocated so that it hid hal his chin,

!ith a denudation o the u"ula, and sad loss o the molar, masticatory, and canine teeth. Then the tabor beat a retreatE the gauntlets !ere care ully hid in a trice, and s!eetmeats a resh distributed to rene! the mirth o the company. +o they all drank to one another, and especially to the catchpole and his bums. But 'udart cursed and damned the !edding to the pit o hell, complaining that one o the bums had utterly disincorni istibulated his nether shoulder$blade. 9e"ertheless, he scorned to be thought a lincher, and made shi t to tope to him on the s>uare. The ja!less bum shrugged up his shoulders, joined his hands, and by signs begged his pardonE or speak he could not. The sham bridegroom made his moan, that the crippled bum had struck him such a horrid thump !ith his shoulder$o $mutton ist on the nether elbo! that he !as gro!n >uite esperru>uanchuHelubelouHerireliced do!n to his "ery heel, to the no small loss o mistress bride. But !hat harm had poor 5 doneK cried Trudon, hiding his le t eye !ith his kerchie , and sho!ing his tabor cracked on one sideE they !ere not satis ied !ith thus poaching, black and bluing, and morrambouHe"eHengouHe>uo>uemorgasacba>ue"eHinema reliding my poor eyes, but they ha"e also broke my harmless drum. )rums indeed are commonly beaten at !eddings, and it is it they shouldE but drummers are !ell entertained and ne"er beaten. 9o! let BeelHebub e'en take the drum, to make his de"ilship a nightcap. Brother, said the lame catchpole, ne"er ret thysel E 5 !ill make thee a present o a ine, large, old patent, !hich 5 ha"e here in my bag, to patch up thy drum, and or <adame +t. *nn's sake 5 pray thee orgi"e us. By 'ur %ady o Ri"iere, the blessed dame, 5 meant no more harm than the child unborn. 'ne o the e>uerries, !ho, hopping and halting like a mumping cripple, mimicked the good limping %ord de la Roche Posay, directed his discourse to the bum !ith the pouting ja!, and told him& ;hat, <r. <anhound, !as it not enough thus to ha"e morcrocastebeHaste"erestegrigeligoscopapopondrillated us all in our upper members !ith your botched mittens, but you must also apply such morderegripippiatabiro reluchamburelureca>uelurintimpaniments on our shinbones !ith the hard tops and e?tremities o your cobbled shoes. )o you call this children's playK By the mass, 'tis no jest. The bum, !ringing his hands, seemed to beg his pardon, muttering !ith his tongue, <on, mon, mon, "relon, "on, "on, like a dumb man. The bride crying laughed, and laughing cried, because the catchpole !as not satis ied !ith drubbing her !ithout choice or distinction o members, but had also rudely roused and toused her, pulled o her topping, and not ha"ing the ear o her husband be ore his eyes, treacherously trepignemanpenillori riHonou rester umbled tumbled and s>ueeHed her lo!er parts. The de"il go !ith it, said BascheE there !as much need indeed that this same <aster :ing @this !as the catchpole's nameD should thus break my !i e's backE ho!e"er, 5 orgi"e him no!E these are little nuptial caresses. But this 5 plainly percei"e, that he cited me like an angel, and drubbed me like a de"il. (e had something in him o Friar Thump!ell. Come, or all this, 5 must drink to him, and to you like!ise, his trusty es>uires. But, said his lady, !hy hath he been so "ery liberal o his manual kindness to me, !ithout the least pro"ocationK 5 assure you, 5 by no means like itE but this 5 dare say or him, that he hath the hardest knuckles that e"er 5 elt on my shoulders. The ste!ard held his le t arm in a scar , as i it had been rent and torn in t!ain. 5 think it !as the de"il, said he, that mo"ed me to assist at these nuptialsE shame on ill luckE 5 must needs be meddling !ith a po?, and no! see !hat 5 ha"e got by the bargain, both my arms are !retchedly engoule"eHinemassed and bruised.

)o you call this a !eddingK By +t. Bridget's tooth, 5 had rather be at that o a Tom T$$d$man. This is, o' my !ord, e"en just such another east as !as that o the %apithae, described by the philosopher o +amosata. 'ne o the bums had lost his tongue. The other t!o, tho' they had more need to complain, made their e?cuse as !ell as they could, protesting that they had no ill design in this dumb oundingE begging that, or goodness sake, they !ould orgi"e themE and so, tho' they could hardly budge a oot, or !ag along, a!ay they cra!led. *bout a mile rom Basche's seat, the catchpole ound himsel some!hat out o sorts. The bums got to %'5sle Bouchart, publicly saying that since they !ere born they had ne"er seen an honester gentleman than the %ord o Basche, or ci"iller people than his, and that they had ne"er been at the like !edding @!hich 5 "erily belie"eDE but that it !as their o!n aults i they had been tickled o , and tossed about rom post to pillar, since themsel"es had began the beating. +o they li"ed 5 cannot e?actly tell you ho! many days a ter this. But rom that time to this it !as held or a certain truth that Basche's money !as more pestilential, mortal, and pernicious to the catchpoles and bums than !ere ormerly the aurum Tholosanum and the +ejan horse to those that possessed them. 1"er since this he li"ed >uietly, and Basche's !edding gre! into a common pro"erb.

Chapter /.I=5. (o! Friar 7ohn made trial o the nature o the catchpoles. This story !ould seem pleasant enough, said Pantagruel, !ere !e not to ha"e al!ays the ear o God be ore our eyes. 5t had been better, said 1pistemon, i those gauntlets had allen upon the at prior. +ince he took a pleasure in spending his money partly to "e? Basche, partly to see those catchpoles banged, good lusty thumps !ould ha"e done !ell on his sha"ed cro!n, considering the horrid concussions no!adays among those puny judges. ;hat harm had done those poor de"ils the catchpolesK This puts me in mind, said Pantagruel, o an ancient Roman named %. 9eratius. (e !as o noble blood, and or some time !as richE but had this tyrannical inclination, that !hene"er he !ent out o doors he caused his ser"ants to ill their pockets !ith gold and sil"er, and meeting in the street your spruce gallants and better sort o beau?, !ithout the least pro"ocation, or his ancy, he used to strike them hard on the ace !ith his istE and immediately a ter that, to appease them and hinder them rom complaining to the magistrates, he !ould gi"e them as much money as satis ied them according to the la! o the t!el"e tables. Thus he used to spend his re"enue, beating people or the price o his money. By +t. Bennet's sacred boot, >uoth Friar 7ohn, 5 !ill kno! the truth o it presently. This said, he !ent on shore, put his hand in his ob, and took out t!enty ducatsE then said !ith a loud "oice, in the hearing o a shoal o the nation o catchpoles, ;ho !ill earn t!enty ducats or being beaten like the de"ilK 5o, 5o, 5o, said they allE you !ill cripple us or e"er, sir, that is most certainE but the money is tempting. ;ith this they !ere all thronging !ho should be irst to be thus preciously beaten. Friar 7ohn singled him out o the !hole knot o these rogues in grain, a red$snouted catchpole, !ho upon his right thumb !ore a thick broad sil"er hoop, !herein !as set a good large toadstone. (e had no sooner picked him out rom the rest, but 5 percei"ed that they all muttered and grumbledE and 5 heard a young thin$ja!ed catchpole, a notable scholar, a pretty ello! at his pen,

and, according to public report, much cried up or his honesty at )octors' Commons, making his complaint and muttering because this same crimson phiH carried a!ay all the practice, and that i there !ere but a score and a hal o bastinadoes to be got, he !ould certainly run a!ay !ith eight and t!enty o them. But all this !as looked upon to be nothing but mere en"y. Friar 7ohn so unmerci ully thrashed, thumped, and belaboured Red$snout, back and belly, sides, legs, and arms, head, eet, and so orth, !ith the home and re>uently repeated application o one o the best members o a aggot, that 5 took him to be a dead manE then he ga"e him the t!enty ducats, !hich made the dog get on his legs, pleased like a little king or t!o. The rest !ere saying to Friar 7ohn, +ir, sir, brother de"il, i it please you to do us the a"our to beat some o us or less money, !e are all at your de"ilship's command, bags, papers, pens, and all. Red$snout cried out against them, saying, !ith a loud "oice, Body o me, you little prigs, !ill you o er to take the bread out o my mouthK !ill you take my bargain o"er my headK !ould you dra! and in"eigle rom me my clients and customersK Take notice, 5 summon you be ore the o icial this day se"ennightE 5 !ill la! and cla! you like any old de"il o =au"erd, that 5 !ill$$Then turning himsel to!ards Friar 7ohn, !ith a smiling and joy ul look, he said to him, Re"erend ather in the de"il, i you ha"e ound me a good hide, and ha"e a mind to di"ert yoursel once more by beating your humble ser"ant, 5 !ill bate you hal in hal this time rather than lose your customE do not spare me, 5 beseech youE 5 am all, and more than all, yours, good <r. )e"ilE head, lungs, tripes, guts, and garbageE and that at a penny!orth, 5'll assure you. Friar 7ohn ne"er heeded his pro ers, but e"en le t them. The other catchpoles !ere making addresses to Panurge, 1pistemon, Gymnast, and others, entreating them charitably to besto! upon their carcasses a small beating, or other!ise they !ere in danger o keeping a long astE but none o them had a stomach to it. +ome time a ter, seeking resh !ater or the ship's company, !e met a couple o old emale catchpoles o the place, miserably ho!ling and !eeping in concert. Pantagruel had kept on board, and already had caused a retreat to be sounded. Thinking that they might be related to the catchpole that !as bastinadoed, !e asked them the occasion o their grie . They replied that they had too much cause to !eepE or that "ery hour, rom an e?alted triple tree, t!o o the honestest gentlemen in Catchpole$land had been made to cut a caper on nothing. Cut a caper on nothing, said GymnastE my pages use to cut capers on the groundE to cut a caper on nothing should be hanging and choking, or 5 am out. *y, ay, said Friar 7ohnE you speak o it like +t. 7ohn de la Palisse. ;e asked them !hy they treated these !orthy persons !ith such a choking hempen salad. They told us they had only borro!ed, alias stolen, the tools o the mass and hid them under the handle o the parish. This is a "ery allegorical !ay o speaking, said 1pistemon.

Chapter /.I=55. (o! Pantagruel came to the islands o Tohu and BohuE and o the strange death o ;ide$nostrils, the s!allo!er o !indmills. That day Pantagruel came to the t!o islands o Tohu and Bohu, !here the de"il a bit !e could ind anything to ry !ith. For one ;ide$nostrils, a huge giant, had s!allo!ed e"ery indi"idual pan, skillet, kettle,

rying$pan, dripping$pan, and brass and iron pot in the land, or !ant o !indmills, !hich !ere his daily ood. ;hence it happened that some!hat be ore day, about the hour o his digestion, the greedy churl !as taken "ery ill !ith a kind o a sur eit, or crudity o stomach, occasioned, as the physicians said, by the !eakness o the concocting aculty o his stomach, naturally disposed to digest !hole !indmills at a gust, yet unable to consume per ectly the pans and skilletsE though it had indeed pretty !ell digested the kettles and pots, as they said they kne! by the hypostases and eneoremes o our tubs o second$hand drink !hich he had e"acuated at t!o di erent times that morning. They made use o di"ers remedies, according to art, to gi"e him easeE but all !ould not doE the distemper pre"ailed o"er the remediesE insomuch that the amous ;ide$nostrils died that morning o so strange a death that 5 think you ought no longer to !onder at that o the poet *eschylus. 5t had been oretold him by the soothsayers that he !ould die on a certain day by the ruin o something that should all on him. The atal day being come in its turn, he remo"ed himsel out o to!n, ar rom all houses, trees, @rocks,D or any other things that can all and endanger by their ruinE and strayed in a large ield, trusting himsel to the open skyE there "ery secure, as he thought, unless indeed the sky should happen to all, !hich he held to be impossible. #et they say that the larks are much a raid o itE or i it should all, they must all be taken. The Celts that once li"ed near the Rhine$$they are our noble "aliant French$$in ancient times !ere also a raid o the sky's allingE or being asked by *le?ander the Great !hat they eared most in this !orld, hoping !ell they !ould say that they eared none but him, considering his great achie"ements, they made ans!er that they eared nothing but the sky's allingE ho!e"er, not re using to enter into a con ederacy !ith so bra"e a king, i you belie"e +trabo, lib. G, and *rrian, lib. 5. Plutarch also, in his book o the ace that appears on the body o the moon, speaks o one Phenaces, !ho "ery much eared the moon should all on the earth, and pitied those that li"e under that planet, as the *ethiopians and Taprobanians, i so hea"y a mass e"er happened to all on them, and !ould ha"e eared the like o hea"en and earth had they not been duly propped up and borne by the *tlantic pillars, as the ancients belie"ed, according to *ristotle's testimony, lib. B, <etaphys. 9ot!ithstanding all this, poor *eschylus !as killed by the all o the shell o a tortoise, !hich alling rom bet!i?t the cla!s o an eagle high in the air, just on his head, dashed out his brains. 9either ought you to !onder at the death o another poet, 5 mean old jolly *nacreon, !ho !as choked !ith a grape$stone. 9or at that o Fabius the Roman praetor, !ho !as choked !ith a single goat's hair as he !as supping up a porringer o milk. 9or at the death o that bash ul ool, !ho by holding in his !ind, and or !ant o letting out a bum$gunshot, died suddenly in the presence o the 1mperor Claudius. 9or at that o the 5talian buried on the =ia Flaminia at Rome, !ho in his epitaph complains that the bite o a she$puss on his little inger !as the cause o his death. 9or o that o J. %ecanius Bassus, !ho died suddenly o so small a prick !ith a needle on his le t thumb that it could hardly be discerned. 9or o Juenelault, a 9orman physician, !ho died suddenly at <ontpellier, merely or ha"ing side!ays took a !orm out o his hand !ith a penkni e. 9or o Philomenes, !hose ser"ant ha"ing got him some ne! igs or the irst course o his dinner, !hilst he !ent to etch !ine, a straggling !ell$hung ass got into the house, and seeing the igs on the table, !ithout urther

in"itation soberly ell to. Philomenes coming into the room and nicely obser"ing !ith !hat gra"ity the ass ate its dinner, said to the man, !ho !as come back, +ince thou hast set igs here or this re"erend guest o ours to eat, methinks it is but reason thou also gi"e him some o this !ine to drink. (e had no sooner said this, but he !as so e?cessi"ely pleased, and ell into so e?orbitant a it o laughter, that the use o his spleen took that o his breath utterly a!ay, and he immediately died. 9or o +purius +au eius, !ho died supping up a so t$boiled egg as he came out o a bath. 9or o him !ho, as Boccaccio tells us, died suddenly by picking his grinders !ith a sage$stalk. 9or o Phillipot Placut, !ho being brisk and hale, ell dead as he !as paying an old debtE !hich causes, perhaps, many not to pay theirs, or ear o the like accident. 9or o the painter Oeu?is, !ho killed himsel !ith laughing at the sight o the anti>ue jobberno!l o an old hag dra!n by him. 9or, in short, o a thousand more o !hich authors !rite, as =arrius, Pliny, =alerius, 7. Baptista Fulgosus, and Bacabery the elder. 5n short, Ga er ;ide$nostrils choked himsel !ith eating a huge lump o resh butter at the mouth o a hot o"en by the ad"ice o physicians. They like!ise told us there that the :ing o Cullan in Bohu had routed the grandees o :ing <ecloth, and made sad !ork !ith the ortresses o Belima. * ter this, !e sailed by the islands o 9argues and OarguesE also by the islands o Teleniabin and Geleniabin, "ery ine and ruit ul in ingredients or clystersE and then by the islands o 1nig and 1"ig, on !hose account ormerly the %andgra"e o (esse !as s!inged o !ith a "engeance.

Chapter /.I=555. (o! Pantagruel met !ith a great storm at sea. The ne?t day !e espied nine sail that came spooning be ore the !indE they !ere ull o )ominicans, 7esuits, Capuchins, (ermits, *ustins, Bernardins, 1gnatins, Celestins, Theatins, *madeans, Cordeliers, Carmelites, <inims, and the de"il and all o other holy monks and riars, !ho !ere going to the Council o Chesil, to si t and garble some ne! articles o aith against the ne! heretics. Panurge !as o"erjoyed to see them, being most certain o good luck or that day and a long train o others. +o ha"ing courteously saluted the blessed athers, and recommended the sal"ation o his precious soul to their de"out prayers and pri"ate ejaculations, he caused se"enty$eight doHen o ;estphalia hams, units o pots o ca"iare, tens o Bolonia sausages, hundreds o botargoes, and thousands o ine angels, or the souls o the dead, to be thro!n on board their ships. Pantagruel seemed metagraboliHed, doHing, out o sorts, and as melancholic as a cat. Friar 7ohn, !ho soon percei"ed it, !as in>uiring o him !hence should come this unusual sadnessE !hen the master, !hose !atch it !as, obser"ing the luttering o the ancient abo"e the poop, and seeing that it began to o"ercast, judged that !e should ha"e !indE there ore he bid the boats!ain call all hands upon deck, o icers, sailors, oremast$men, s!abbers, and cabin$boys, and e"en the passengersE made them irst settle their topsails, take in their spritsailE then he cried, 5n !ith your topsails, lo!er the oresail, tallo! under parrels, braid up close all them sails, strike your topmasts to the cap, make all sure !ith your sheeps$ eet, lash your guns ast. *ll this !as nimbly done. 5mmediately it blo!ed a stormE the sea began to roar and s!ell mountain$highE the rut o the sea !as great, the

!a"es breaking upon our ship's >uarterE the north$!est !ind blustered and o"erblo!edE boisterous gusts, dread ul clashing, and deadly scuds o !ind !histled through our yards and made our shrouds rattle again. The thunder grumbled so horridly that you !ould ha"e thought hea"en had been tumbling about our earsE at the same time it lightened, rained, hailedE the sky lost its transparent hue, gre! dusky, thick, and gloomy, so that !e had no other light than that o the lashes o lightning and rending o the clouds. The hurricanes, la!s, and sudden !hirl!inds began to make a lame about us by the lightnings, iery "apours, and other aerial ejaculations. 'h, ho! our looks !ere ull o amaHement and trouble, !hile the saucy !inds did rudely li t up abo"e us the mountainous !a"es o the mainL Belie"e me, it seemed to us a li"ely image o the chaos, !here ire, air, sea, land, and all the elements !ere in a re ractory con usion. Poor Panurge ha"ing !ith the ull contents o the inside o his doublet plenti ully ed the ish, greedy enough o such odious are, sat on the deck all in a heap, !ith his nose and arse together, most sadly cast do!n, moping and hal deadE in"oked and called to his assistance all the blessed he$ and she$saints he could muster upE s!ore and "o!ed to con ess in time and place con"enient, and then ba!led out right ully, +te!ard, maitre d'hotel, see hoL my riend, my ather, my uncle, prithee let us ha"e a piece o po!dered bee or porkE !e shall drink but too much anon, or aught 5 see. 1at little and drink the more !ill herea ter be my motto, 5 ear. ;ould to our dear %ord, and to our blessed, !orthy, and sacred %ady, 5 !ere no!, 5 say, this "ery minute o an hour, !ell on shore, on terra irma, hale and easy. ' t!ice and thrice happy those that plant cabbagesL ' destinies, !hy did you not spin me or a cabbage$planterK ' ho! e! are there to !hom 7upiter hath been so a"ourable as to predestinate them to plant cabbagesL They ha"e al!ays one oot on the ground, and the other not ar rom it. )ispute !ho !ill o elicity and summum bonum, or my part !hosoe"er plants cabbages is no!, by my decree, proclaimed most happyE or as good a reason as the philosopher Pyrrho, being in the same danger, and seeing a hog near the shore eating some scattered oats, declared it happy in t!o respectsE irst, because it had plenty o oats, and besides that, !as on shore. (a, or a di"ine and princely habitation, commend me to the co!s' loor. <urderL This !a"e !ill s!eep us a!ay, blessed +a"iourL ' my riendsL a little "inegar. 5 s!eat again !ith mere agony. *lasL the miHen$sail's split, the gallery's !ashed a!ay, the masts are sprung, the maintop$masthead di"es into the seaE the keel is up to the sunE our shrouds are almost all broke, and blo!n a!ay. *lasL alasL !here is our main courseK *l is "erlooren, by GodtL our topmast is run adri t. *lasL !ho shall ha"e this !reckK Friend, lend me here behind you one o these !hales. #our lantern is allen, my lads. *lasL do not let go the main$tack nor the bo!line. 5 hear the block crackE is it brokeK For the %ord's sake, let us ha"e the hull, and let all the rigging be damned. Be, be, be, bous, bous, bous. %ook to the needle o your compass, 5 beseech you, good +ir *strophil, and tell us, i you can, !hence comes this storm. <y heart's sunk do!n belo! my midri . By my troth, 5 am in a sad right, bou, bou, bou, bous, bous, 5 am lost or e"er. 5 conskite mysel or mere madness and ear. Bou, bou, bou, bou, 'tto to to to to ti. Bou, bou, bou, ou, ou, ou, bou, bou, bous. 5 sink, 5'm dro!ned, 5'm gone, good people, 5'm dro!ned.

Chapter /.I5I. ;hat countenances Panurge and Friar 7ohn kept during the storm.

Pantagruel, ha"ing irst implored the help o the great and *lmighty )eli"erer, and prayed publicly !ith er"ent de"otion, by the pilot's ad"ice held tightly the mast o the ship. Friar 7ohn had stripped himsel to his !aistcoat, to help the seamen. 1pistemon, Ponocrates, and the rest did as much. Panurge alone sat on his breech upon deck, !eeping and ho!ling. Friar 7ohn espied him going on the >uarter$deck, and said to him, 'dHoonsL Panurge the cal , Panurge the !hiner, Panurge the brayer, !ould it not become thee much better to lend us here a helping hand than to lie lo!ing like a co!, as thou dost, sitting on thy stones like a bald$breeched baboonK Be, be, be, bous, bous, bous, returned PanurgeE Friar 7ohn, my riend, my good ather, 5 am dro!ning, my dear riendL 5 dro!nL 5 am a dead man, my dear ather in GodE 5 am a dead man, my riendE your cutting hanger cannot sa"e me rom thisE alasL alasL !e are abo"e ela. *bo"e the pitch, out o tune, and o the hinges. Be, be, be, bou, bous. *lasL !e are no! abo"e g sol re ut. 5 sink, 5 sink, ha, my ather, my uncle, my all. The !ater is got into my shoes by the collarE bous, bous, bous, paish, hu, hu, hu, he, he, he, ha, ha, 5 dro!n. *lasL alasL (u, hu, hu, hu, hu, hu, hu, be, be, bous, bous, bobous, bobous, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, alasL alasL 9o! 5 am like your tumblers, my eet stand higher than my head. ;ould to hea"en 5 !ere no! !ith those good holy athers bound or the council !hom !e met this morning, so godly, so at, so merry, so plump and comely. (olos, bolos, holas, holas, alasL This de"ilish !a"e @mea culpa )eusD, 5 mean this !a"e o God, !ill sink our "essel. *lasL Friar 7ohn, my ather, my riend, con ession. (ere 5 am do!n on my kneesE con iteorE your holy blessing. Come hither and be damned, thou piti ul de"il, and help us, said Friar 7ohn @!ho ell a$s!earing and cursing like a tinkerD, in the name o thirty legions o black de"ils, comeE !ill you comeK )o not let us s!ear at this time, said PanurgeE holy ather, my riend, do not s!ear, 5 beseech youE to$morro! as much as you please. (olos, holos, alasL our ship leaks. 5 dro!n, alas, alasL 5 !ill gi"e eighteen hundred thousand cro!ns to anyone that !ill set me on shore, all berayed and bedaubed as 5 am no!. 5 e"er there !as a man in my country in the like pickle. Con iteor, alasL a !ord or t!o o testament or codicil at least. * thousand de"ils seiHe the cuckoldy co!$hearted mongrel, cried Friar 7ohn. 'ds$belly, art thou talking here o making thy !ill no! !e are in danger, and it beho"eth us to bestir our stumps lustily, or ne"erK ;ilt thou come, ho de"ilK <idshipman, my riendE ' the rare lieutenantE here Gymnast, here on the poop. ;e are, by the mass, all beshit no!E our light is out. This is hastening to the de"il as ast as it can. *las, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, alas, alas, alas, alasL said PanurgeE !as it here !e !ere born to perishK 'hL hoL good people, 5 dro!n, 5 die. Consummatum est. 5 am sped$$<agna, gna, gna, said Friar 7ohn. Fie upon him, ho! ugly the shitten ho!ler looks. Boy, younker, see hoyh. <ind the pumps or the de"il choke thee. (ast thou hurt thysel K Ooons, here asten it to one o these blocks. 'n this side, in the de"il's name, hay$$so, my boy. *h, Friar 7ohn, said Panurge, good ghostly ather, dear riend, don't let us s!ear, you sin. 'h, ho, oh, ho, be be be bous, bous, bhous, 5 sink, 5 die, my riends. 5 die in charity !ith all the !orld. Fare!ell, in manus. Bohus bohous, bhouso!aus!aus. +t. <ichael o *ureL +t. 9icholasL no!, no! or ne"er, 5 here make you a solemn "o!, and to our +a"iour, that i you stand by me this time, 5 mean i you set me ashore out o this danger, 5 !ill build you a ine large little chapel or t!o, bet!een Juande and <ontsoreau, !here neither co! nor cal shall eed. 'h ho, oh ho. *bo"e eighteen pail uls or t!o o it are got do!n my gulletE bous, bhous, bhous, bhous, ho! damned bitter and salt it isL By the "irtue, said Friar 7ohn, o the blood, the lesh, the belly, the head, i 5 hear thee again ho!ling, thou

cuckoldy cur, 5'll maul thee !orse than any sea$!ol . 'ds$ ish, !hy don't !e take him up by the lugs and thro! him o"erboard to the bottom o the seaK (ear, sailorE ho, honest ello!. Thus, thus, my riend, hold ast abo"e. 5n truth, here is a sad lightning and thunderingE 5 think that all the de"ils are got looseE it is holiday !ith themE or else <adame Proserpine is in child's labour& all the de"ils dance a morrice.

Chapter /.II. (o! the pilots !ere orsaking their ships in the greatest stress o !eather. 'h, said Panurge, you sin, Friar 7ohn, my ormer cronyL ormer, 5 say, or at this time 5 am no more, you are no more. 5t goes against my heart to tell it youE or 5 belie"e this s!earing doth your spleen a great deal o goodE as it is a great ease to a !ood$clea"er to cry hem at e"ery blo!, and as one !ho plays at ninepins is !onder ully helped i , !hen he hath not thro!n his bo!l right, and is like to make a bad cast, some ingenious stander$by leans and scre!s his body hal !ay about on that side !hich the bo!l should ha"e took to hit the pins. 9e"ertheless, you o end, my s!eet riend. But !hat do you think o eating some kind o cabirotadoesK ;ouldn't this secure us rom this stormK 5 ha"e read that the ministers o the gods Cabiri, so much celebrated by 'rpheus, *pollonius, Pherecydes, +trabo, Pausanias, and (erodotus !ere al!ays secure in time o storm. (e dotes, he ra"es, the poor de"ilL * thousand, a million, nay, a hundred million o de"ils seiHe the horni ied doddipole. %end's a hand here, hoh, tiger, !ouldst thouK (ere, on the starboard side. 'ds$me, thou bu alo's head stu ed !ith relics, !hat ape's paternoster art thou muttering and chattering here bet!een thy teethK That de"il o a sea$cal is the cause o all this storm, and is the only man !ho doth not lend a helping hand. By G$$, i 5 come near thee, 5'll etch thee out by the head and ears !ith a "engeance, and chastise thee like any tempestati"e de"il. (ere, mate, my lad, hold ast, till 5 ha"e made a double knot. ' bra"e boyL ;ould to hea"en thou !ert abbot o TalemouHe, and that he that is !ere guardian o Croullay. (old, brother Ponocrates, you !ill hurt yoursel , man. 1pistemon, prithee stand o out o the hatch!ay. <ethinks 5 sa! the thunder all there but just no!. Con the ship, so ho$$<ind your steerage. ;ell said, thus, thus, steady, keep her thus, get the longboat clear $$steady. 'ds$ ish, the beak$head is sta"ed to pieces. Grumble, de"ils, art, belch, shite, a t$$d o' the !a"e. 5 this be !eather, the de"il's a ram. 9ay, by G$$, a little more !ould ha"e !ashed me clear a!ay into the current. 5 think all the legions o de"ils hold here their pro"incial chapter, or are polling, can"assing, and !rangling or the election o a ne! rector. +tarboardE !ell said. Take heedE ha"e a care o your noddle, lad, in the de"il's name. +o ho, starboard, starboard. Be, be, be, bous, bous, bous, cried PanurgeE bous, bous, be, be, be, bous, bous, 5 am lost. 5 see neither hea"en nor earthE o the our elements !e ha"e here only ire and !ater le t. Bou, bou, bou, bous, bous, bous. ;ould it !ere the pleasure o the !orthy di"ine bounty that 5 !ere at this present hour in the close at +euille, or at 5nnocent's the pastry$cook o"er against the painted !ine$"ault at Chinon, though 5 !ere to strip to my doublet, and bake the petti$pasties mysel . (onest man, could not you thro! me ashoreK you can do a !orld o good

things, they say. 5 gi"e you all +almigondinois, and my large shore ull o !helks, cockles, and peri!inkles, i , by your industry, 5 e"er set oot on irm ground. *las, alasL 5 dro!n. (arkee, my riends, since !e cannot get sa e into port, let us come to an anchor in some road, no matter !hither. )rop all your anchorsE let us be out o danger, 5 beseech you. (ere, honest tar, get you into the chains, and hea"e the lead, an't please you. %et us kno! ho! many athom !ater !e are in. +ound, riend, in the %ord (arry's name. %et us kno! !hether a man might here drink easily !ithout stooping. 5 am apt to belie"e one might. (elm a$lee, hoh, cried the pilot. (elm a$leeE a hand or t!o at the helmE about ships !ith herE helm a$lee, helm a$lee. +tand o rom the leech o the sail. (ohL belay, here make ast belo!E hoh, helm a$lee, lash sure the helm a$lee, and let her dri"e. 5s it come to thatK said PantagruelE our good +a"iour then help us. %et her lie under the sea, cried 7ames Brahier, our chie mateE let her dri"e. To prayers, to prayersE let all think on their souls, and all to prayersE nor hope to escape but by a miracle. %et us, said Panurge, make some good pious kind o "o!E alas, alas, alasL bou, bou, be, be, be, bous, bous, bous, oho, oho, oho, oho, let us make a pilgrimE come, come, let e"ery man club his penny to!ards it, come on. (ere, here, on this side, said Friar 7ohn, in the de"il's name. %et her dri"e, or the %ord's sake unhang the rudderE hoh, let her dri"e, let her dri"e, and let us drink, 5 say, o the best and most cheeringE d'ye hear, ste!ardK produce, e?hibitE or, d'ye see this, and all the rest !ill as !ell go to the de"il out o hand. * po? on that !ind$broker *eolus, !ith his luster$blusters. +irrah, page, bring me here my dra!er @ or so he called his bre"iaryDE stay a little hereE haul, riend, thus. 'dHoons, here is a deal o hail and thunder to no purpose. (old ast abo"e, 5 pray you. ;hen ha"e !e *ll$saints dayK 5 belie"e it is the unholy holiday o all the de"il's cre!. *lasL said Panurge, Friar 7ohn damns himsel here as black as buttermilk or the nonce. 'h, !hat a good riend 5 lose in him. *las, alasL this is another gats$bout than last year's. ;e are alling out o +cylla into Charybdis. 'hoL 5 dro!n. Con iteorE one poor !ord or t!o by !ay o testament, Friar 7ohn, my ghostly atherE good <r. *bstractor, my crony, my *chates, Ienomanes, my all. *lasL 5 dro!nE t!o !ords o testament here upon this ladder.

Chapter /.II5. * continuation o the storm, !ith a short discourse on the subject o making testaments at sea. To make one's last !ill, said 1pistemon, at this time that !e ought to bestir oursel"es and help our seamen, on the penalty o being dro!ned, seems to me as idle and ridiculous a maggot as that o some o Caesar's men, !ho, at their coming into the Gauls, !ere mightily busied in making !ills and codicilsE bemoaned their ortune and the absence o their spouses and riends at Rome, !hen it !as absolutely necessary or them to run to their arms and use their utmost strength against *rio"istus their enemy. This also is to be as silly as that jolt$headed loblolly o a carter, !ho, ha"ing laid his !aggon ast in a slough, do!n on his marro!$bones !as calling on the strong$backed deity, (ercules, might and main, to help him at a dead li t, but all the !hile orgot to goad on his o?en and lay his shoulder to the !heels, as it beho"ed himE as i a %ord ha"e mercy upon us alone !ould ha"e got his cart out o the mire.

;hat !ill it signi y to make your !ill no!K or either !e shall come o or dro!n or it. 5 !e 'scape, it !ill not signi y a stra! to usE or testaments are o no "alue or authority but by the death o the testators. 5 !e are dro!ned, !ill it not be dro!ned tooK Prithee, !ho !ill transmit it to the e?ecutorsK +ome kind !a"e !ill thro! it ashore, like 8lysses, replied PanurgeE and some king's daughter, going to etch a !alk in the resco, on the e"ening !ill ind it, and take care to ha"e it pro"ed and ul illedE nay, and ha"e some stately cenotaph erected to my memory, as )ido had to that o her goodman +ichaeusE *eneas to )eiphobus, upon the Trojan shore, near RhoeteE *ndromache to (ector, in the city o ButhrotE *ristotle to (ermias and 1ubulusE the *thenians to the poet 1uripidesE the Romans to )rusus in Germany, and to *le?ander +e"erus, their emperor, in the GaulsE *rgentier to CallaischreE Ienocrates to %ysidicesE Timares to his son TeleutagorasE 1upolis and *ristodice to their son TheotimusE 'nestus to TimoclesE Callimachus to +opolis, the son o )ioclidesE Catullus to his brotherE +tatius to his atherE Germain o Brie to (er"e, the Breton tarpaulin. *rt thou mad, said Friar 7ohn, to run on at this rateK (elp, here, in the name o i"e hundred thousand millions o cartloads o de"ils, helpL may a shanker gna! thy moustachios, and the three ro!s o pock$royals and cauli lo!ers co"er thy bum and turd$barrel instead o breeches and codpiece. Codsooks, our ship is almost o"erset. 'ds$death, ho! shall !e clear herK it is !ell i she do not ounder. ;hat a de"ilish sea there runsL +he'll neither try nor hullE the sea !ill o"ertake her, so !e shall ne"er 'scapeE the de"il 'scape me. Then Pantagruel !as heard to make a sad e?clamation, saying, !ith a loud "oice, %ord sa"e us, !e perishE yet not as !e !ould ha"e it, but thy holy !ill be done. The %ord and the blessed =irgin be !ith us, said Panurge. (olos, alas, 5 dro!nE be be be bous, be bous, bousE in manus. Good hea"ens, send me some dolphin to carry me sa e on shore, like a pretty little *rion. 5 shall make shi t to sound the harp, i it be not unstrung. %et nineteen legions o black de"ils seiHe me, said Friar 7ohn. @The %ord be !ith usL !hispered Panurge, bet!een his chattering teeth.D 5 5 come do!n to thee, 5'll sho! thee to some purpose that the badge o thy humanity dangles at a cal 's breech, thou ragged, horned, cuckoldy booby$$mgna, mgnan, mgnan$$come hither and help us, thou great !eeping cal , or may thirty millions o de"ils leap on thee. ;ilt thou come, sea$cal K FieE ho! ugly the ho!ling !help looks. ;hat, al!ays the same dittyK Come on no!, my bonny dra!er. This he said, opening his bre"iary. Come or!ard, thou and 5 must be some!hat serious or a !hileE let me peruse thee sti ly. Beatus "ir >ui non abiit. Psha!, 5 kno! all this by heartE let us see the legend o <ons. +t. 9icholas. (orrida tempestas montem turba"it acutum. Tempest !as a mighty logger o lads at <ountagu College. 5 pedants be damned or !hipping poor little innocent !retches their scholars, he is, upon my honour, by this time i?ed !ithin 5?ion's !heel, lashing the crop$eared, bobtailed cur that gi"es it motion. 5 they are sa"ed or ha"ing !hipped innocent lads, he ought to be abo"e the$$

Chapter /.II55. *n end o the storm. +hore, shoreL cried Pantagruel. %and to, my riends, 5 see landL Pluck up

a good spirit, boys, 'tis !ithin a kenning. +oL !e are not ar rom a port.$$5 see the sky clearing up to the north!ards.$$%ook to the south$eastL Courage, my hearts, said the pilotE no! she'll bear the hullock o a sailE the sea is much smootherE some hands alo t to the maintop. Put the helm a$!eather. +teadyL steadyL (aul your a ter$miHen bo!lines. (aul, haul, haulL Thus, thus, and no near. <ind your steerageE bring your main$tack aboard. Clear your sheetsE clear your bo!linesE port, port. (elm a$lee. 9o! to the sheet on the starboard side, thou son o a !hore. Thou art mightily pleased, honest ello!, >uoth Friar 7ohn, !ith hearing make mention o thy mother. %u , lu , cried the >uartermaster that conned the ship, keep her ull, lu the helm. %u . 5t is, ans!ered the steersman. :eep her thus. Get the bonnets i?ed. +teady, steady. That is !ell said, said Friar 7ohn no!, this is something like a tansy. Come, come, come, children, be nimble. Good. %u , lu , thus. (elm a$!eather. That's !ell said and thought on. <ethinks the storm is almost o"er. 5t !as high time, aithE ho!e"er, the %ord be thanked. 'ur de"ils begin to scamper. 'ut !ith all your sails. (oist your sails. (oist. That is spoke like a man, hoist, hoist. (ere, a God's name, honest PonocratesE thou art a lusty ornicatorE the !horeson !ill get none but boys. 1usthenes, thou art a notable ello!. Run up to the ore$topsail. Thus, thus. ;ell said, i' aithE thus, thus. 5 dare not ear anything all this !hile, or it is holiday. =ea, "ea, "eaL huHHaL This shout o the seaman is not amiss, and pleases me, or it is holiday. :eep her ull thus. Good. Cheer up, my merry mates all, cried out 1pistemonE 5 see already Castor on the right. Be, be, bous, bous, bous, said PanurgeE 5 am much a raid it is the bitch (elen. 5t is truly <i?archagenas, returned 1pistemon, i thou likest better that denomination, !hich the *rgi"es gi"e him. (o, hoL 5 see land tooE let her bear in !ith the harbourE 5 see a good many people on the beachE 5 see a light on an obeliscolychny. +horten your sails, said the pilotE etch the sounding lineE !e must double that point o land, and mind the sands. ;e are clear o them, said the sailors. +oon a ter, *!ay she goes, >uoth the pilot, and so doth the rest o our leetE help came in good season. By +t. 7ohn, said Panurge, this is spoke some!hat like. ' the s!eet !ordL there is the soul o music in it. <gna, mgna, mgna, said Friar 7ohnE i e"er thou taste a drop o it, let the de"il's dam taste me, thou ballocky de"il. (ere, honest soul, here's a ull sneaker o the "ery best. Bring the lagonsE dost hear, Gymnast& and that same large pasty jambic, gammonic, as you !ill ha"e it. Take heed you pilot her in right. Cheer up, cried out PantagruelE cheer up, my boysE let us be oursel"es again. )o you see yonder, close by our ship, t!o barks, three sloops, i"e ships, eight pinks, our ya!ls, and si? rigates making to!ards us, sent by the good people o the neighbouring island to our relie K But !ho is this 8calegon belo!, that cries and makes such a sad moanK ;ere it not that 5 hold the mast irmly !ith both my hands, and keep it straighter than t!o hundred tacklings$$5 !ould$$5t is, said Friar 7ohn, that poor de"il Panurge, !ho is troubled !ith a cal 's agueE he >uakes or ear !hen his belly's ull. 5 , said Pantagruel, he hath been a raid during this dread ul hurricane and dangerous storm, pro"ided @!ai"ing thatD he hath done his part like a man, 5 do not "alue him a jot the less or it. For as to ear in all encounters is the mark o a hea"y and co!ardly heart, as *gamemnon did, !ho or that reason is ignominiously ta?ed by *chilles !ith ha"ing dog's eyes and a stag's heartE so, not to ear !hen the case is e"idently dread ul is a sign o !ant or smallness o judgment. 9o!, i

anything ought to be eared in this li e, ne?t to o ending God, 5 !ill not say it is death. 5 !ill not meddle !ith the disputes o +ocrates and the academics, that death o itsel is neither bad nor to be eared, but 5 !ill a irm that this kind o ship!reck is to be eared, or nothing is. For, as (omer saith, it is a grie"ous, dread ul, and unnatural thing to perish at sea. *nd indeed *eneas, in the storm that took his leet near +icily, !as grie"ed that he had not died by the hand o the bra"e )iomedes, and said that those !ere three, nay our times happy, !ho perished in the con lagration at Troy. 9o man here hath lost his li e, the %ord our +a"iour be eternally praised or itL but in truth here is a ship sadly out o order. ;ell, !e must take care to ha"e the damage repaired. Take heed !e do not run aground and bulge her.

Chapter /.II555. (o! Panurge played the good ello! !hen the storm !as o"er. ;hat cheer, ho, ore and a tK >uoth Panurge. 'h hoL all is !ell, the storm is o"er. 5 beseech ye, be so kind as to let me be the irst that is sent on shoreE or 5 !ould by all means a little untruss a point. +hall 5 help you stillK (ere, let me see, 5 !ill coil this ropeE 5 ha"e plenty o courage, and o ear as little as may be. Gi"e it me yonder, honest tar. 9o, no, 5 ha"e not a bit o ear. 5ndeed, that same decumane !a"e that took us ore and a t some!hat altered my pulse. )o!n !ith your sailsE !ell said. (o! no!, Friar 7ohnK you do nothing. 5s it time or us to drink no!K ;ho can tell but +t. <artin's running ootman BelHebuth may still be hatching us some urther mischie K +hall 5 come and help you againK Pork and peas choke me, i 5 do heartily repent, though too late, not ha"ing ollo!ed the doctrine o the good philosopher !ho tells us that to !alk by the sea and to na"igate by the shore are "ery sa e and pleasant thingsE just as 'tis to go on oot !hen !e hold our horse by the bridle. (aL haL haL by G$$, all goes !ell. +hall 5 help you here tooK %et me see, 5 !ill do this as it should be, or the de"il's in't. 1pistemon, !ho had the inside o one o his hands all layed and bloody, ha"ing held a tackling !ith might and main, hearing !hat Pantagruel had said, told him& #ou may belie"e, my lord, 5 had my share o ear as !ell as PanurgeE yet 5 spared no pains in lending my helping hand. 5 considered that, since by atal and una"oidable necessity !e must all die, it is the blessed !ill o God that !e die this or that hour, and this or that kind o death. 9e"ertheless, !e ought to implore, in"oke, pray, beseech, and supplicate himE but !e must not stop thereE it beho"eth us also to use our endea"ours on our side, and, as the holy !rit saith, to co$operate !ith him. #ou kno! !hat C. Flaminius, the consul, said !hen by (annibal's policy he !as penned up near the lake o Peruse, alias Thrasymene. Friends, said he to his soldiers, you must not hope to get out o this place barely by "o!s or prayers to the godsE no, 'tis by ortitude and strength !e must escape and cut oursel"es a !ay !ith the edge o our s!ords through the midst o our enemies. +allust like!ise makes <. Portius Cato say this& The help o the gods is not obtained by idle "o!s and !omanish complaintsE 'tis by "igilance, labour, and repeated endea"ours that all things succeed according to our

!ishes and designs. 5 a man in time o need and danger is negligent, heartless, and laHy, in "ain he implores the godsE they are then justly angry and incensed against him. The de"il take me, said Friar 7ohn,$$5'll go his hal"es, >uoth Panurge,$$i the close o +e"ille had not been all gathered, "intaged, gleaned, and destroyed, i 5 had only sung contra hostium insidias @matter o bre"iaryD like all the rest o the monking de"ils, and had not bestirred mysel to sa"e the "ineyard as 5 did, despatching the truant picaroons o %erne !ith the sta o the cross. %et her sink or s!im a God's name, said Panurge, all's one to Friar 7ohnE he doth nothingE his name is Friar 7ohn )o$littleE or all he sees me here a$s!eating and pu ing to help !ith all my might this honest tar, irst o the name.$$(ark you me, dear soul, a !ord !ith youE but pray be not angry. (o! thick do you judge the planks o our ship to beK +ome t!o good inches and up!ards, returned the pilotE don't ear. 'ds$kilderkins, said Panurge, it seems then !e are !ithin t!o ingers' breadth o damnation. 5s this one o the nine com orts o matrimonyK *h, dear soul, you do !ell to measure the danger by the yard o ear. For my part, 5 ha"e none on'tE my name is ;illiam )readnought. *s or heart, 5 ha"e more than enough on't. 5 mean none o your sheep's heartE but o !ol 's heart$$the courage o a bra"o. By the pa"ilion o <ars, 5 ear nothing but danger.

Chapter /.II5=. (o! Panurge !as said to ha"e been a raid !ithout reason during the storm. Good morro!, gentlemen, said PanurgeE good morro! to you allE you are in "ery good health, thanks to hea"en and yoursel"esE you are all heartily !elcome, and in good time. %et us go on shore.$$(ere, co?s!ain, get the ladder o"er the gunnelE man the sidesE man the pinnace, and get her by the ship's side. +hall 5 lend you a hand hereK 5 am stark mad or !ant o business, and !ould !ork like any t!o yokes o o?en. Truly this is a ine place, and these look like a "ery good people. Children, do you !ant me still in anythingK do not spare the s!eat o my body, or God's sake. *dam$$that is, man$$!as made to labour and !ork, as the birds !ere made to ly. 'ur %ord's !ill is that !e get our bread !ith the s!eat o our bro!s, not idling and doing nothing, like this tatterdemalion o a monk here, this Friar 7ack, !ho is ain to drink to hearten himsel up, and dies or ear. $$Rare !eather.$$5 no! ind the ans!er o *nacharsis, the noble philosopher, "ery proper. Being asked !hat ship he reckoned the sa est, he replied& That !hich is in the harbour. (e made a yet better repartee, said Pantagruel, !hen somebody in>uiring !hich is greater, the number o the li"ing or that o the dead, he asked them amongst !hich o the t!o they reckoned those that are at sea, ingeniously implying that they are continually in danger o death, dying ali"e, and li"ing die. Portius Cato also said that there !ere but three things o !hich he !ould repent& i e"er he had trusted his !i e !ith his secret, i he had idled a!ay a day, and i he had e"er gone by sea to a place !hich he could "isit by land. By this digni ied rock o mine, said Friar 7ohn to Panurge, riend, thou hast been a raid during the storm !ithout cause or reasonE or thou !ert not born to be dro!ned, but rather to be hanged and e?alted in the air, or to be roasted in the midst o a jolly bon ire. <y lord, !ould you ha"e a good cloak or the rainE lea"e me o your !ol and badger$skin mantleE let Panurge but be layed, and co"er yoursel !ith his hide. But do not come

near the ire, nor near your blacksmith's orges, a God's nameE or in a moment you !ill see it in ashes. #et be as long as you please in the rain, sno!, hail, nay, by the de"il's maker, thro! yoursel or di"e do!n to the "ery bottom o the !ater, 5'll engage you'll not be !et at all. (a"e some !inter boots made o it, they'll ne"er take in a drop o !aterE make bladders o it to lay under boys to teach them to s!im, instead o corks, and they !ill learn !ithout the least danger. (is skin, then, said Pantagruel, should be like the herb called true maiden's hair, !hich ne"er takes !et nor moistness, but still keeps dry, though you lay it at the bottom o the !ater as long as you pleaseE and or that reason is called *diantos. Friend Panurge, said Friar 7ohn, 5 pray thee ne"er be a raid o !aterE thy li e or mine thou art threatened !ith a contrary element. *y, ay, replied Panurge, but the de"il's cooks dote sometimes, and are apt to make horrid blunders as !ell as othersE o ten putting to boil in !ater !hat !as designed to be roasted on the ireE like the head$cooks o our kitchen, !ho o ten lard partridges, >ueests, and stock$do"es !ith intent to roast them, one !ould thinkE but it happens sometimes that they e'en turn the partridges into the pot to be boiled !ith cabbages, the >ueests !ith leek pottage, and the stock$do"es !ith turnips. But hark you me, good riends, 5 protest be ore this noble company, that as or the chapel !hich 5 "o!ed to <ons. +t. 9icholas bet!een Juande and <ontsoreau, 5 honestly mean that it shall be a chapel o rose$!ater, !hich shall be !here neither co! nor cal shall be edE or bet!een you and 5, 5 intend to thro! it to the bottom o the !ater. (ere is a rare rogue or you, said 1usthenesE here is a pure rogue, a rogue in grain, a rogue enough, a rogue and a hal . (e is resol"ed to make good the %ombardic pro"erb, Passato el pericolo, gabbato el santo. The de"il !as sick, the de"il a monk !ould beE The de"il !as !ell, the de"il a monk !as he.

Chapter /.II=. (o!, a ter the storm, Pantagruel !ent on shore in the islands o the <acreons. 5mmediately a ter !e !ent ashore at the port o an island !hich they called the island o the <acreons. The good people o the place recei"ed us "ery honourably. *n old <acrobius @so they called their eldest eldermanD desired Pantagruel to come to the to!n$house to re resh himsel and eat something, but he !ould not budge a oot rom the mole till all his men !ere landed. * ter he had seen them, he ga"e order that they should all change clothes, and that some o all the stores in the leet should be brought on shore, that e"ery ship's cre! might li"e !ellE !hich !as accordingly done, and God !ot ho! !ell they all toped and caroused. The people o the place brought them pro"isions in abundance. The Pantagruelists returned them moreE as the truth is, theirs !ere some!hat damaged by the late storm. ;hen they had !ell stu ed the insides o their doublets, Pantagruel desired e"eryone to lend their help to repair the damageE !hich they readily did. 5t !as easy enough to re it thereE or all the inhabitants o the island !ere carpenters and all such handicra ts as are seen in the arsenal at =enice. 9one but the largest island !as inhabited, ha"ing three ports and ten parishesE the rest being o"errun !ith

!ood and desert, much like the orest o *rden. ;e entreated the old <acrobius to sho! us !hat !as !orth seeing in the islandE !hich he didE and in the desert and dark orest !e disco"ered se"eral old ruined temples, obelisks, pyramids, monuments, and ancient tombs, !ith di"ers inscriptions and epitaphsE some o them in hieroglyphic charactersE others in the 5onic dialectE some in the *rabic, *garenian, +la"onian, and other tonguesE o !hich 1pistemon took an e?act account. 5n the interim, Panurge said to Friar 7ohn, 5s this the island o the <acreonsK <acreon signi ies in Greek an old man, or one much stricken in years. ;hat is that to meK said Friar 7ohnE ho! can 5 help itK 5 !as not in the country !hen they christened it. 9o! 5 think on't, >uoth Panurge, 5 belie"e the name o mackerel @<otteu? adds, bet!een brackets,$$'that's a Ba!d in French.'D !as deri"ed rom itE or procuring is the pro"ince o the old, as buttock$riggling is that o the young. There ore 5 do not kno! but this may be the ba!dy or <ackerel 5sland, the original and prototype o the island o that name at Paris. %et's go and dredge or cock$oysters. 'ld <acrobius asked, in the 5onic tongue, (o!, and by !hat industry and labour, Pantagruel got to their port that day, there ha"ing been such blustering !eather and such a dread ul storm at sea. Pantagruel told him that the *lmighty Preser"er o mankind had regarded the simplicity and sincere a ection o his ser"ants, !ho did not tra"el or gain or sordid pro it, the sole design o their "oyage being a studious desire to kno!, see, and "isit the 'racle o Bacbuc, and take the !ord o the Bottle upon some di iculties o ered by one o the companyE ne"ertheless this had not been !ithout great a liction and e"ident danger o ship!reck. * ter that, he asked him !hat he judged to be the cause o that terrible tempest, and i the adjacent seas !ere thus re>uently subject to stormsE as in the ocean are the RatH o +ammaieu, <aumusson, and in the <editerranean sea the Gul o +ataly, <ontargentan, Piombino, Capo <elio in %aconia, the +traits o Gibraltar, Faro di <essina, and others.

Chapter /.II=5. (o! the good <acrobius ga"e us an account o the mansion and decease o the heroes. The good <acrobius then ans!ered, Friendly strangers, this island is one o the +poradesE not o your +porades that lie in the Carpathian sea, but one o the +porades o the oceanE in ormer times rich, re>uented, !ealthy, populous, ull o tra ic, and in the dominions o the rulers o Britain, but no!, by course o time, and in these latter ages o the !orld, poor and desolate, as you see. 5n this dark orest, abo"e se"enty$eight thousand Persian leagues in compass, is the d!elling$place o the demons and heroes that are gro!n old, and !e belie"e that some one o them died yesterdayE since the comet !hich !e sa! or three days be ore together, shines no moreE and no! it is likely that at his death there arose this horrible stormE or !hile they are ali"e all happiness attends both this and the adjacent islands, and a settled calm and serenity. *t the death o e"ery one o them, !e commonly hear in the orest loud and mourn ul groans, and the !hole land is in ested !ith pestilence, earth>uakes, inundations, and other calamitiesE the air !ith ogs and obscurity, and the sea !ith storms and hurricanes. ;hat you tell us seems to me likely enough, said Pantagruel. For as a torch or candle, as long as it hath li e enough and is lighted, shines round about, disperses its light, delights those that are near it, yields them its ser"ice and clearness, and ne"er causes any

pain or displeasureE but as soon as 'tis e?tinguished, its smoke and e"aporation in ects the air, o ends the bystanders, and is noisome to allE so, as long as those noble and reno!ned souls inhabit their bodies, peace, pro it, pleasure, and honour ne"er lea"e the places !here they abideE but as soon as they lea"e them, both the continent and adjacent islands are annoyed !ith great commotionsE in the air ogs, darkness, thunder, hailE tremblings, pulsations, agitations o the earthE storms and hurricanes at seaE together !ith sad complaints amongst the people, broaching o religions, changes in go"ernments, and ruins o common!ealths. ;e had a sad instance o this lately, said 1pistemon, at the death o that "aliant and learned knight, ;illiam du BellayE during !hose li e France enjoyed so much happiness, that all the rest o the !orld looked upon it !ith en"y, sought riendship !ith it, and stood in a!e o its po!erE but soon a ter his decease it hath or a considerable time been the scorn o the rest o the !orld. Thus, said Pantagruel, *nchises being dead at )repani in +icily, *eneas !as dread ully tossed and endangered by a stormE and perhaps or the same reason (erod, that tyrant and cruel :ing o 7udaea, inding himsel near the pangs o a horrid kind o death$$ or he died o a phthiriasis, de"oured by "ermin and liceE as be ore him died %. +ylla, Pherecydes the +yrian, the preceptor o Pythagoras, the Greek poet *lcmaeon, and others$$and oreseeing that the 7e!s !ould make bon ires at his death, caused all the nobles and magistrates to be summoned to his seraglio out o all the cities, to!ns, and castles o 7udaea, raudulently pretending that he had some things o moment to impart to them. They made their personal appearanceE !hereupon he caused them all to be shut up in the hippodrome o the seraglioE then said to his sister +alome and *le?ander her husband& 5 am certain that the 7e!s !ill rejoice at my deathE but i you !ill obser"e and per orm !hat 5 tell you, my uneral shall be honourable, and there !ill be a general mourning. *s soon as you see me dead, let my guards, to !hom 5 ha"e already gi"en strict commission to that purpose, kill all the noblemen and magistrates that are secured in the hippodrome. By these means all 7e!ry shall, in spite o themsel"es, be obliged to mourn and lament, and oreigners !ill imagine it to be or my death, as i some heroic soul had le t her body. * desperate tyrant !ished as much !hen he said, ;hen 5 die, let earth and ire be mi?ed togetherE !hich !as as good as to say, let the !hole !orld perish. ;hich saying the tyrant 9ero altered, saying, ;hile 5 li"e, as +uetonius a irms it. This detestable saying, o !hich Cicero, lib. )e Finib., and +eneca, lib. -, )e Clementia, make mention, is ascribed to the 1mperor Tiberius by )ion 9icaeus and +uidas.

Chapter /.II=55. Pantagruel's discourse o the decease o heroic soulsE and o the dread ul prodigies that happened be ore the death o the late %ord de %angey. 5 !ould not, continued Pantagruel, ha"e missed the storm that hath thus disordered us, !ere 5 also to ha"e missed the relation o these things told us by this good <acrobius. 9either am 5 un!illing to belie"e !hat he said o a comet that appears in the sky some days be ore such a decease. For some o those souls are so noble, so precious, and so heroic that hea"en gi"es us notice o their departing some days be ore it happens. *nd as a

prudent physician, seeing by some symptoms that his patient dra!s to!ards his end, some days be ore gi"es notice o it to his !i e, children, kindred, and riends, that, in that little time he hath yet to li"e, they may admonish him to settle all things in his amily, to tutor and instruct his children as much as he can, recommend his relict to his riends in her !ido!hood, and declare !hat he kno!s to be necessary about a pro"ision or the orphansE that he may not be surprised by death !ithout making his !ill, and may take care o his soul and amilyE in the same manner the hea"ens, as it !ere joy ul or the approaching reception o those blessed souls, seem to make bon ires by those comets and blaHing meteors, !hich they at the same time kindly design should prognosticate to us here that in a e! days one o those "enerable souls is to lea"e her body and this terrestrial globe. 9ot altogether unlike this !as !hat !as ormerly done at *thens by the judges o the *reopagus. For !hen they ga"e their "erdict to cast or clear the culprits that !ere tried be ore them, they used certain notes according to the substance o the sentencesE by Theta signi ying condemnation to deathE by T, absolutionE by *, ampliation or a demur, !hen the case !as not su iciently e?amined. Thus ha"ing publicly set up those letters, they eased the relations and riends o the prisoners, and such others as desired to kno! their doom, o their doubts. %ike!ise by these comets, as in ethereal characters, the hea"ens silently say to us, <ake haste, mortals, i you !ould kno! or learn o the blessed souls anything concerning the public good or your pri"ate interestE or their catastrophe is near, !hich being past, you !ill "ainly !ish or them a ter!ards. The good$natured hea"ens still do moreE and that mankind may be declared un!orthy o the enjoyment o those reno!ned souls, they right and astonish us !ith prodigies, monsters, and other oreboding signs that th!art the order o nature. ' this !e had an instance se"eral days be ore the decease o the heroic soul o the learned and "aliant Che"alier de %angey, o !hom you ha"e already spoken. 5 remember it, said 1pistemonE and my heart still trembles !ithin me !hen 5 think on the many dread ul prodigies that !e sa! i"e or si? days be ore he died. For the %ords )'*ssier, Chemant, one$eyed <ailly, +t. *yl, =illeneu ue$la$Guyart, <aster Gabriel, physician o +a"illan, Rabelais, Cohuau, <assuau, <ajorici, Bullou, Cercu, alias Bourgmaistre, Francis Proust, Ferron, Charles Girard, Francis Bourre, and many other riends and ser"ants to the deceased, all dismayed, gaHed on each other !ithout uttering one !ordE yet not !ithout oreseeing that France !ould in a short time be depri"ed o a knight so accomplished and necessary or its glory and protection, and that hea"en claimed him again as its due. By the tu ted tip o my co!l, cried Friar 7ohn, 5 am e'en resol"ed to become a scholar be ore 5 die. 5 ha"e a pretty good headpiece o my o!n, you must o!n. 9o! pray gi"e me lea"e to ask you a ci"il >uestion. Can these same heroes or demigods you talk o dieK <ay 5 ne"er be damned i 5 !as not so much a lobcock as to belie"e they had been immortal, like so many ine angels. (ea"en orgi"e meL but this most re"erend ather, <acroby, tells us they die at last. 9ot all, returned Pantagruel. The +toics held them all to be mortal, e?cept one, !ho alone is immortal, impassible, in"isible. Pindar plainly saith that there is no more thread, that is to say, no more li e, spun rom the dista and la? o the hard$hearted Fates or the goddesses (amadryades than there is or those trees that are preser"ed by them, !hich are good, sturdy, do!nright oaksE !hence they deri"ed their original, according to the opinion o Callimachus and Pausanias in Phoci. ;ith !hom concurs <artianus Capella. *s or the

demigods, auns, satyrs, syl"ans, hobgoblins, aegipanes, nymphs, heroes, and demons, se"eral men ha"e, rom the total sum, !hich is the result o the di"ers ages calculated by (esiod, reckoned their li e to be FG-. yearsE that sum consisting o our special numbers orderly arising rom one, the same added together and multiplied by our e"ery !ay amounts to ortyE these orties, being reduced into triangles by i"e times, make up the total o the a oresaid number. +ee Plutarch, in his book about the Cessation o 'racles. This, said Friar 7ohn, is not matter o bre"iaryE 5 may belie"e as little or as much o it as you and 5 please. 5 belie"e, said Pantagruel, that all intellectual souls are e?empted rom *tropos's scissors. They are all immortal, !hether they be o angels, or demons, or humanE yet 5 !ill tell you a story concerning this that is "ery strange, but is !ritten and a irmed by se"eral learned historians.

Chapter /.II=555. (o! Pantagruel related a "ery sad story o the death o the heroes. 1pitherses, the ather o *emilian the rhetorician, sailing rom Greece to 5taly in a ship reighted !ith di"ers goods and passengers, at night the !ind ailed 'em near the 1chinades, some islands that lie bet!een the <orea and Tunis, and the "essel !as dri"en near Pa?os. ;hen they !ere got thither, some o the passengers being asleep, others a!ake, the rest eating and drinking, a "oice !as heard that called aloud, ThamousL !hich cry surprised them all. This same Thamous !as their pilot, an 1gyptian by birth, but kno!n by name only to some e! tra"ellers. The "oice !as heard a second time calling Thamous, in a right ul toneE and none making ans!er, but trembling and remaining silent, the "oice !as heard a third time, more dread ul than be ore. This caused Thamous to ans!er& (ere am 5E !hat dost thou call me orK ;hat !ilt thou ha"e me doK Then the "oice, louder than be ore, bid him publish !hen he should come to Palodes, that the great god Pan !as dead. 1pitherses related that all the mariners and passengers, ha"ing heard this, !ere e?tremely amaHed and rightedE and that, consulting among themsel"es !hether they had best conceal or di"ulge !hat the "oice had enjoined, Thamous said his ad"ice !as that i they happened to ha"e a air !ind they should proceed !ithout mentioning a !ord on't, but i they chanced to be becalmed he !ould publish !hat he had heard. 9o! !hen they !ere near Palodes they had no !ind, neither !ere they in any current. Thamous then getting up on the top o the ship's orecastle, and casting his eyes on the shore, said that he had been commanded to proclaim that the great god Pan !as dead. The !ords !ere hardly out o his mouth, !hen deep groans, great lamentations, and dole ul shrieks, not o one person, but o many together, !ere heard rom the land. The ne!s o this$$many being present then$$!as soon spread at RomeE insomuch that Tiberius, !ho !as then emperor, sent or this Thamous, and ha"ing heard him ga"e credit to his !ords. *nd in>uiring o the learned in his court and at Rome !ho !as that Pan, he ound by their relation that he !as the son o <ercury and Penelope, as (erodotus and Cicero in his third book o the 9ature o the Gods had !ritten be ore.

For my part, 5 understand it o that great +a"iour o the aith ul !ho !as shame ully put to death at 7erusalem by the en"y and !ickedness o the doctors, priests, and monks o the <osaic la!. *nd methinks my interpretation is not improperE or he may la! ully be said in the Greek tongue to be Pan, since he is our all. For all that !e are, all that !e li"e, all that !e ha"e, all that !e hope, is him, by him, rom him, and in him. (e is the good Pan, the great shepherd, !ho, as the lo"ing shepherd Corydon a irms, hath not only a tender lo"e and a ection or his sheep, but also or their shepherds. *t his death, complaints, sighs, ears, and lamentations !ere spread through the !hole abric o the uni"erse, !hether hea"ens, land, sea, or hell. The time also concurs !ith this interpretation o mineE or this most good, most mighty Pan, our only +a"iour, died near 7erusalem during the reign o Tiberius Caesar. Pantagruel, ha"ing ended this discourse, remained silent and ull o contemplation. * little !hile a ter !e sa! the tears lo! out o his eyes as big as ostrich's eggs. God take me presently i 5 tell you one single syllable o a lie in the matter.

Chapter /.II5I. (o! Pantagruel sailed by the +neaking 5sland, !here +hro"etide reigned. The jo"ial leet being re itted and repaired, ne! stores taken in, the <acreons o"er and abo"e satis ied and pleased !ith the money spent there by Pantagruel, our men in better humour than they used to be, i possible, !e merrily put to sea the ne?t day, near sunset, !ith a delicious resh gale. Ienomanes sho!ed us a ar o the +neaking 5sland, !here reigned +hro"etide, o !hom Pantagruel had heard much talk ormerlyE or that reason he !ould gladly ha"e seen him in person, had not Ienomanes ad"ised him to the contraryE irst, because this !ould ha"e been much out o our !ay, and then or the lean cheer !hich he told us !as to be ound at that prince's court, and indeed all o"er the island. #ou can see nothing there or your money, said he, but a huge greedy$guts, a tall !oundy s!allo!er o hot !ardens and musselsE a long$shanked mole$catcherE an o"ergro!n bottler o hayE a mossy$chinned demi$giant, !ith a double sha"en cro!n, o lantern breedE a "ery great loitering noddy$peaked youngster, banner$bearer to the ish$eating tribe, dictator o mustard$land, logger o little children, calciner o ashes, ather and oster$ ather to physicians, s!arming !ith pardons, indulgences, and stationsE a "ery honest manE a good catholic, and as brim ul o de"otion as e"er he can hold. (e !eeps the three$ ourth parts o the day, and ne"er assists at any !eddingsE but, gi"e the de"il his due, he is the most industrious larding$stick and ske!er$maker in orty kingdoms. *bout si? years ago, as 5 passed by +neaking$land, 5 brought home a large ske!er rom thence, and made a present o it to the butchers o Juande, !ho set a great "alue upon them, and that or a cause. +ome time or other, i e"er !e li"e to come back to our o!n country, 5 !ill sho! you t!o o them

astened on the great church porch. (is usual ood is pickled coats o mail, salt helmets and head$pieces, and salt salletsE !hich sometimes makes him piss pins and needles. *s or his clothing, 'tis comical enough o' conscience, both or make and colourE or he !ears grey and cold, nothing be ore, and nought behind, !ith the slee"es o the same. #ou !ill do me a kindness, said Pantagruel, i , as you ha"e described his clothes, ood, actions, and pastimes, you !ill also gi"e me an account o his shape and disposition in all his parts. Prithee do, dear cod, said Friar 7ohn, or 5 ha"e ound him in my bre"iary, and then ollo! the mo"able holy days. ;ith all my heart, ans!ered IenomanesE !e may chance to hear more o him as !e touch at the ;ild 5sland, the dominions o the s>uab Chitterlings, his enemies, against !hom he is eternally at oddsE and !ere it not or the help o the noble Carni"al, their protector and good neighbour, this meagre$looked loHelly +hro"etide !ould long be ore this ha"e made sad !ork among them, and rooted them out o their habitation. *re these same Chitterlings, said Friar 7ohn, male or emale, angels or mortals, !omen or maidsK They are, replied Ienomanes, emales in se?, mortal in kind, some o them maids, others not. The de"il ha"e me, said Friar 7ohn, i 5 ben't or them. ;hat a shame ul disorder in nature, is it not, to make !ar against !omenK %et's go back and hack the "illain to pieces. ;hatL meddle !ith +hro"etideK cried Panurge, in the name o BeelHebub, 5 am not yet so !eary o my li e. 9o, 5'm not yet so mad as that comes to. Juid jurisK +uppose !e should ind oursel"es pent up bet!een the Chitterlings and +hro"etideK bet!een the an"il and the hammersK +hankers and buboesL stand o L godHooks, let us make the best o our !ay. 5 bid you good night, s!eet <r. +hro"etideE 5 recommend to you the Chitterlings, and pray don't orget the puddings.

Chapter /.III. (o! +hro"etide is anatomiHed and described by Ienomanes. *s or the in!ard parts o +hro"etide, said IenomanesE his brain is @at least, it !as in my timeD in bigness, colours, substance, and strength, much like the le t cod o a he hand$!orm. The "entricles o his said brain, The stomach, like a belt. like an auger. The pylorus, like a pitch ork. The !orm$like e?crescence, like The !indpipe, like an oyster$ a Christmas$bo?. kni e. The membranes, like a monk's The throat, like a pincushion co!l. stu ed !ith oakum. The unnel, like a mason's chisel. The lungs, like a prebend's The orni?, like a casket. ur$go!n. The glandula pinealis, like a bag$ The heart, like a cope. pipe. The mediastine, like an earthen The rete mirabile, like a gutter. cup. The dug$like processus, like a The pleura, like a cro!'s bill. patch. The arteries, like a !atch$coat. The tympanums, like a !hirli$ The midri , like a montero$cap. gig. The li"er, like a double$tongued The rocky bones, like a goose$ mattock. !ing. The "eins, like a sash$!indo!. The nape o the neck, like a paper The spleen, like a catcall.

lantern. The guts, like a trammel. The ner"es, like a pipkin. The gall, like a cooper's adHe. The u"ula, like a sackbut. The entrails, like a gauntlet. The palate, like a mitten. The mesentery, like an abbot's The spittle, like a shuttle. mitre. The almonds, like a telescope. The hungry gut, like a button. The bridge o his nose, like a The blind gut, like a breastplate. !heelbarro!. The colon, like a bridle. The head o the laryn?, like a The arse$gut, like a monk's "intage$basket. leathern bottle. The kidneys, like a tro!el. The ligaments, like a tinker's The loins, like a padlock. budget. The ureters, like a pothook. The bones, like three$cornered The emulgent "eins, like t!o cheesecakes. gilli lo!ers. The marro!, like a !allet. The spermatic "essels, like a The cartilages, like a ield$ cully$mully$pu . tortoise, alias a mole. The parastata, like an inkpot. The glandules in the mouth, like The bladder, like a stone$bo!. a pruning$kni e. The neck, like a mill$clapper. The animal spirits, like s!ingeing The mirach, or lo!er parts o the isticu s. belly, like a high$cro!ned hat. The blood$ ermenting, like a The siphach, or its inner rind, multiplication o lirts on the like a !ooden cu . nose. The muscles, like a pair o bello!s. The urine, like a igpecker. The tendons, like a ha!king$ The sperm, like a hundred glo"e. ten$penny nails. *nd his nurse told me, that being married to <id$lent, he only begot a good number o local ad"erbs and certain double asts. (is memory he had like a scar . (is undertakings, like the ballast (is common sense, like a buHHing o a galleon. o bees. (is understanding, like a torn (is imagination, like the chime bre"iary. o a set o bells. (is notions, like snails cra!ling (is thoughts, like a light o star$ out o stra!berries. lings. (is !ill, like three ilberts in a (is conscience, like the unnest$ porringer. ling o a parcel o young (is desire, like si? trusses o hay. herons. (is judgment, like a shoeing$ (is deliberations, like a set o horn. organs. (is discretion, like the truckle o (is repentance, like the carriage a pulley. o a double cannon. (is reason, like a cricket.

Chapter /.III5. +hro"etide's out!ard parts anatomiHed. +hro"etide, continued Ienomanes, is some!hat better proportioned in his out!ard parts, e?cepting the se"en ribs !hich he had o"er and abo"e the common shape o men. (is toes !ere like a "irginal on The peritoneum, or caul !herein

an organ. his bo!els !ere !rapped, like (is nails, like a gimlet. a billiard$table. (is eet, like a guitar. (is back, like an o"ergro!n rack$ (is heels, like a club. bent crossbo!. The soles o his eet, like a cru$ The "ertebrae, or joints o his cible. backbone, like a bagpipe. (is legs, like a ha!k's lure. (is ribs, like a spinning$!heel. (is knees, like a joint$stool. (is brisket, like a canopy. (is thighs, like a steel cap. (is shoulder$blades, like a mortar. (is hips, like a !imble. (is breast, like a game at nine$ (is belly as big as a tun, buttoned pins. a ter the old ashion, !ith a (is paps, like a hornpipe. girdle riding o"er the middle (is armpits, like a che>uer. o his bosom. (is shoulders, like a hand$barro!. (is na"el, like a cymbal. (is arms, like a riding$hood. (is groin, like a minced pie. (is ingers, like a brotherhood's (is member, like a slipper. andirons. (is purse, like an oil cruet. The ibulae, or lesser bones o his (is genitals, like a joiner's planer. legs, like a pair o stilts. Their erecting muscles, like a (is shin$bones, like sickles. racket. (is elbo!s, like a mouse$trap. The perineum, like a lageolet. (is hands, like a curry$comb. (is arse$hole, like a crystal look$ (is neck, like a talboy. ing$glass. (is throat, like a elt to distil hip$ (is bum, like a harro!. pocras. The knob in his throat, like a (is loins, like a butter$pot. barrel, !here hanged t!o (is ja!s, like a caudle cup. braHen !ens, "ery ine and (is teeth, like a hunter's sta . harmonious, in the shape o an ' such colt's teeth as his, hourglass. you !ill ind one at Colonges (is beard, like a lantern. les Royau? in Poitou, and (is chin, like a mushroom. t!o at %a Brosse in Iaintonge, (is ears, like a pair o glo"es. on the cellar door. (is nose, like a buskin. (is tongue, like a je!'s$harp. (is nostrils, like a orehead cloth. (is mouth, like a horse$cloth. (is eyebro!s, like a dripping$pan. (is ace embroidered like a mule's 'n his le t bro! !as a mark o pack$saddle. the shape and bigness o an (is head contri"ed like a still. urinal. (is skull, like a pouch. (is eyelids, like a iddle. The suturae, or seams o his skull, (is eyes, like a comb$bo?. like the annulus piscatoris, or (is optic ner"es, like a tinder$ the isher's signet. bo?. (is skin, like a gabardine. (is orehead, like a alse cup. (is epidermis, or out!ard skin, (is temples, like the cock o a like a bolting$cloth. cistern. (is hair, like a scrubbing$brush. (is cheeks, like a pair o !ooden (is ur, such as abo"e said. shoes.

Chapter /.III55. * continuation o +hro"etide's countenance. 'Tis a !onder ul thing, continued Ienomanes, to hear and see the state o +hro"etide.

5 he chanced to spit, it !as !hole ;hen he trembled, it !as large baskets ul o gold inches. "enison pasties. 5 he blo!ed his nose, it !as ;hen he did s!eat, it !as old pickled grigs. ling !ith butter sauce. ;hen he !ept, it !as ducks !ith ;hen he belched, it !as bushels onion sauce. o oysters. ;hen he sneeHed, it !as !hole ;hen he muttered, it !as la!yers' tub uls o mustard. re"els. ;hen he coughed, it !as bo?es ;hen he hopped about, it !as o marmalade. letters o licence and protec$ ;hen he sobbed, it !as !ater$ tions. cresses. ;hen he stepped back, it !as ;hen he ya!ned, it !as pot uls sea cockle$shells. o pickled peas. ;hen he slabbered, it !as com$ ;hen he sighed, it !as dried mon o"ens. neats' tongues. ;hen he !as hoarse, it !as an ;hen he !histled, it !as a !hole entry o morrice$dancers. scuttle ul o green apes. ;hen he broke !ind, it !as dun ;hen he snored, it !as a !hole co!s' leather spatterdashes. pan ul o ried beans. ;hen he unked, it !as !ashed$ ;hen he ro!ned, it !as soused leather boots. hogs' eet. ;hen he scratched himsel , it ;hen he spoke, it !as coarse !as ne! proclamations. bro!n russet clothE so little ;hen he sung, it !as peas in it !as like crimson silk, !ith cods. !hich Parisatis desired that ;hen he e"acuated, it !as mush$ the !ords o such as spoke to rooms and morilles. her son Cyrus, :ing o Persia, ;hen he pu ed, it !as cabbages should be inter!o"en. !ith oil, alias caules amb'oli . ;hen he blo!ed, it !as indulg$ ;hen he talked, it !as the last ence money$bo?es. year's sno!. ;hen he !inked, it !as buttered ;hen he dreamt, it !as o a buns. cock and a bull. ;hen he grumbled, it !as <arch ;hen he ga"e nothing, so much cats. or the bearer. ;hen he nodded, it !as iron$ 5 he thought to himsel , it !as bound !aggons. !himsies and maggots. ;hen he made mouths, it !as 5 he doHed, it !as leases o lands. broken sta"es. ;hat is yet more strange, he used to !ork doing nothing, and did nothing though he !orkedE caroused sleeping, and slept carousing, !ith his eyes open, like the hares in our country, or ear o being taken napping by the Chitterlings, his in"eterate enemiesE biting he laughed, and laughing bitE eat nothing asting, and asted eating nothingE mumbled upon suspicion, drank by imagination, s!am on the tops o high steeples, dried his clothes in ponds and ri"ers, ished in the air, and there used to catch decumane lobstersE hunted at the bottom o the herring$pond, and caught there ibe?es, stamboucs, chamois, and other !ild goatsE used to put out the eyes o all the cro!s !hich he took sneakinglyE eared nothing but his o!n shado! and the cries o at kidsE used to gad abroad some days, like a truant schoolboyE played !ith the ropes o bells on esti"al days o saintsE made a mallet o his ist, and !rit on hairy parchment prognostications and almanacks !ith his huge pin$case. 5s that the gentlemanK said Friar 7ohn. (e is my manE this is the "ery

ello! 5 looked or. 5 !ill send him a challenge immediately. This is, said Pantagruel, a strange and monstrous sort o man, i 5 may call him a man. #ou put me in mind o the orm and looks o *modunt and )issonance. (o! !ere they madeK said Friar 7ohn. <ay 5 be peeled like a ra! onion i e"er 5 heard a !ord o them. 5'll tell you !hat 5 read o them in some ancient apologues, replied Pantagruel. Physis$$that is to say, 9ature$$at her irst burthen begat Beauty and (armony !ithout carnal copulation, being o hersel "ery ruit ul and proli ic. *ntiphysis, !ho e"er !as the counter part o 9ature, immediately, out o a malicious spite against her or her beauti ul and honourable productions, in opposition begot *modunt and )issonance by copulation !ith Tellumon. Their heads !ere round like a ootball, and not gently latted on both sides, like the common shape o men. Their ears stood pricked up like those o assesE their eyes, as hard as those o crabs, and !ithout bro!s, stared out o their heads, i?ed on bones like those o our heelsE their eet !ere round like tennis$ballsE their arms and hands turned back!ards to!ards their shouldersE and they !alked on their heads, continually turning round like a ball, topsy$tur"y, heels o"er head. #et$$as you kno! that apes esteem their young the handsomest in the !orld $$*ntiphysis e?tolled her o spring, and stro"e to pro"e that their shape !as handsomer and neater than that o the children o Physis, saying that thus to ha"e spherical heads and eet, and !alk in a circular manner, !heeling round, had something in it o the per ection o the di"ine po!er, !hich makes all beings eternally turn in that ashionE and that to ha"e our eet uppermost, and the head belo! them, !as to imitate the Creator o the uni"erseE the hair being like the roots, and the legs like the branches o manE or trees are better planted by their roots than they could be by their branches. By this demonstration she implied that her children !ere much more to be praised or being like a standing tree, than those o Physis, that made a igure o a tree upside do!n. *s or the arms and hands, she pretended to pro"e that they !ere more justly turned to!ards the shoulders, because that part o the body ought not to be !ithout de ence, !hile the orepart is duly enced !ith teeth, !hich a man cannot only use to che!, but also to de end himsel against those things that o end him. Thus, by the testimony and astipulation o the brute beasts, she dre! all the !itless herd and mob o ools into her opinion, and !as admired by all brainless and nonsensical people. +ince that, she begot the hypocritical tribes o ea"esdropping dissemblers, superstitious pope$mongers, and priest$ridden bigots, the rantic Pistolets, @the demoniacal Cal"ins, impostors o Gene"a,D the scrapers o bene ices, apparitors !ith the de"il in them, and other grinders and s>ueeHers o li"ings, herb$stinking hermits, gulligutted dunces o the co!l, church "ermin, alse Healots, de"ourers o the substance o men, and many more other de ormed and ill$ a"oured monsters, made in spite o nature.

Chapter /.III555. (o! Pantagruel disco"ered a monstrous physeter, or !hirlpool, near the ;ild 5sland. *bout sunset, coming near the ;ild 5sland, Pantagruel spied a ar o a huge

monstrous physeter @a sort o !hale, !hich some call a !hirlpoolD, that came right upon us, neighing, snorting, raised abo"e the !a"es higher than our main$tops, and spouting !ater all the !ay into the air be ore itsel , like a large ri"er alling rom a mountain. Pantagruel sho!ed it to the pilot and to Ienomanes. By the pilot's ad"ice the trumpets o the Thalamege !ere sounded to !arn all the leet to stand close and look to themsel"es. This alarm being gi"en, all the ships, galleons, rigates, brigantines, according to their na"al discipline, placed themsel"es in the order and igure o an # @upsilonD, the letter o Pythagoras, as cranes do in their light, and like an acute angle, in !hose cone and basis the Thalamege placed hersel ready to ight smartly. Friar 7ohn !ith the grenadiers got on the orecastle. Poor Panurge began to cry and ho!l !orse than e"er. Babille$babou, said he, shrugging up his shoulders, >ui"ering all o"er !ith ear, there !ill be the de"il upon dun. This is a !orse business than that t'other day. %et us ly, let us lyE old 9ick take me i it is not %e"iathan, described by the noble prophet <oses in the li e o patient 7ob. 5t !ill s!allo! us all, ships and men, shag, rag, and bobtail, like a dose o pills. *lasL it !ill make no more o us, and !e shall hold no more room in its hellish ja!s, than a sugarplum in an ass's throat. %ook, look, 'tis upon usE let us !heel o , !hip it a!ay, and get ashore. 5 belie"e 'tis the "ery indi"idual sea$monster that !as ormerly designed to de"our *ndromedaE !e are all undone. 'hL or some "aliant Perseus here no! to kill the dog. 5'll do its business presently, said PantagruelE ear nothing. 'ds$belly, said Panurge, remo"e the cause o my ear then. ;hen the de"il !ould you ha"e a man be a raid but !hen there is so much causeK 5 your destiny be such as Friar 7ohn !as saying a !hile ago, replied Pantagruel, you ought to be a raid o Pyroeis, 1ous, *ethon, and Phlegon, the sun's coach$horses, that breathe ire at the nostrilsE and not o physeters, that spout nothing but !ater at the snout and mouth. Their !ater !ill not endanger your li eE and that element !ill rather sa"e and preser"e than hurt or endanger you. *y, ay, trust to that, and hang me, >uoth PanurgeE yours is a "ery pretty ancy. 'ds$ ishL did 5 not gi"e you a su icient account o the elements' transmutation, and the blunders that are made o roast or boiled, and boiled or roastK *lasL here 'tisE 5'll go hide mysel belo!. ;e are dead men, e"ery mother's son o us. 5 see upon our main$top that merciless hag *tropos, !ith her scissors ne! ground, ready to cut our threads all at one snip. 'hL ho! dread ul and abominable thou artE thou hast dro!ned a good many beside us, !ho ne"er made their brags o it. )id it but spout good, brisk, dainty, delicious !hite !ine, instead o this damned bitter salt !ater, one might better bear !ith it, and there !ould be some cause to be patientE like that 1nglish lord, !ho being doomed to die, and had lea"e to choose !hat kind o death he !ould, chose to be dro!ned in a butt o malmsey. (ere it is. 'h, ohL de"ilL +athanasL %e"iathanL 5 cannot abide to look upon thee, thou art so abominably ugly. Go to the bar, go take the petti oggers.

Chapter /.III5=. (o! the monstrous physeter !as slain by Pantagruel.

The physeter, coming bet!een the ships and the galleons, thre! !ater by !hole tuns upon them, as i it had been the cataracts o the 9ile in 1thiopia. 'n the other side, arro!s, darts, glea"es, ja"elins, spears, harping$irons, and partiHans, le! upon it like hail. Friar 7ohn did not spare himsel in it. Panurge !as hal dead or ear. The artillery roared and thundered like mad, and seemed to gall it in good earnest, but did but little goodE or the great iron and brass cannon$shot entering its skin seemed to melt like tiles in the sun. Pantagruel then, considering the !eight and e?igency o the matter, stretched out his arms and sho!ed !hat he could do. #ou tell us, and it is recorded, that Commudus, the Roman emperor, could shoot !ith a bo! so de?terously that at a good distance he !ould let ly an arro! through a child's ingers and ne"er touch them. #ou also tell us o an 5ndian archer, !ho li"ed !hen *le?ander the Great con>uered 5ndia, and !as so skil ul in dra!ing the bo!, that at a considerable distance he !ould shoot his arro!s through a ring, though they !ere three cubits long, and their iron so large and !eighty that !ith them he used to pierce steel cutlasses, thick shields, steel breastplates, and generally !hat he did hit, ho! irm, resisting, hard, and strong soe"er it !ere. #ou also tell us !onders o the industry o the ancient Franks, !ho !ere pre erred to all others in point o archeryE and !hen they hunted either black or dun beasts, used to rub the head o their arro!s !ith hellebore, because the lesh o the "enison struck !ith such an arro! !as more tender, dainty, !holesome, and delicious$$paring o , ne"ertheless, the part that !as touched round about. #ou also talk o the Parthians, !ho used to shoot back!ards more de?terously than other nations or!ardsE and also celebrate the skill o the +cythians in that art, !ho sent once to )arius, :ing o Persia, an ambassador that made him a present o a bird, a rog, a mouse, and i"e arro!s, !ithout speaking one !ordE and being asked !hat those presents meant, and i he had commission to say anything, ans!ered that he had notE !hich puHHled and gra"elled )arius "ery much, till Gobrias, one o the se"en captains that had killed the magi, e?plained it, saying to )arius& By these gi ts and o erings the +cythians silently tell you that e?cept the Persians like birds ly up to hea"en, or like mice hide themsel"es near the centre o the earth, or like rogs di"e to the "ery bottom o ponds and lakes, they shall be destroyed by the po!er and arro!s o the +cythians. The noble Pantagruel !as, !ithout comparison, more admirable yet in the art o shooting and dartingE or !ith his dread ul piles and darts, nearly resembling the huge beams that support the bridges o 9antes, +aumur, Bergerac, and at Paris the millers' and the changers' bridges, in length, siHe, !eight, and iron$!ork, he at a mile's distance !ould open an oyster and ne"er touch the edgesE he !ould snu a candle !ithout putting it outE !ould shoot a magpie in the eyeE take o a boot's under$sole, or a riding$hood's lining, !ithout soiling them a bitE turn o"er e"ery lea o Friar 7ohn's bre"iary, one a ter another, and not tear one. ;ith such darts, o !hich there !as good store in the ship, at the irst blo! he ran the physeter in at the orehead so uriously that he pierced both its ja!s and tongueE so that rom that time to this it no more opened its guttural trapdoor, nor dre! and spouted !ater. *t the second blo! he put out its right eye, and at the third its le tE and !e had all the pleasure to see the physeter bearing those three horns in its orehead, some!hat leaning or!ards in an e>uilateral triangle. <ean!hile it turned about to and ro, staggering and straying like one

stunned, blinded, and taking his lea"e o the !orld. Pantagruel, not satis ied !ith this, let ly another dart, !hich took the monster under the tail like!ise slopingE then !ith three other on the chine, in a perpendicular line, di"ided its lank rom the tail to the snout at an e>ual distance. Then he larded it !ith i ty on one side, and a ter that, to make e"en !ork, he darted as many on its other sideE so that the body o the physeter seemed like the hulk o a galleon !ith three masts, joined by a competent dimension o its beams, as i they had been the ribs and chain$!ales o the keelE !hich !as a pleasant sight. The physeter then gi"ing up the ghost, turned itsel upon its back, as all dead ishes doE and being thus o"erturned, !ith the beams and darts upside do!n in the sea, it seemed a scolopendra or centipede, as that serpent is described by the ancient sage 9icander.

Chapter /.III=. (o! Pantagruel !ent on shore in the ;ild 5sland, the ancient abode o the Chitterlings. The boat's cre! o the ship %antern to!ed the physeter ashore on the neighbouring shore, !hich happened to be the ;ild 5sland, to make an anatomical dissection o its body and sa"e the at o its kidneys, !hich, they said, !as "ery use ul and necessary or the cure o a certain distemper, !hich they called !ant o money. *s or Pantagruel, he took no manner o notice o the monsterE or he had seen many such, nay, bigger, in the Gallic ocean. #et he condescended to land in the ;ild 5sland, to dry and re resh some o his men @!hom the physeter had !etted and bedaubedD, at a small desert seaport to!ards the south, seated near a ine pleasant gro"e, out o !hich lo!ed a delicious brook o resh, clear, and purling !ater. (ere they pitched their tents and set up their kitchensE nor did they spare uel. 1"eryone ha"ing shi ted as they thought it, Friar 7ohn rang the bell, and the cloth !as immediately laid, and supper brought in. Pantagruel eating cheer ully !ith his men, much about the second course percei"ed certain little sly Chitterlings clambering up a high tree near the pantry, as still as so many mice. ;hich made him ask Ienomanes !hat kind o creatures these !ere, taking them or s>uirrels, !easels, martins, or ermines. They are Chitterlings, replied Ienomanes. This is the ;ild 5sland o !hich 5 spoke to you this morningE there hath been an irreconcilable !ar this long time bet!een them and +hro"etide, their malicious and ancient enemy. 5 belie"e that the noise o the guns !hich !e ired at the physeter hath alarmed them, and made them ear their enemy !as come !ith his orces to surprise them, or lay the island !aste, as he hath o ten attempted to doE though he still came o but bluely, by reason o the care and "igilance o the Chitterlings, !ho @as )ido said to *eneas's companions that !ould ha"e landed at Carthage !ithout her lea"e or kno!ledgeD !ere orced to !atch and stand upon their guard, considering the malice o their enemy and the neighbourhood o his territories. Pray, dear riend, said Pantagruel, i you ind that by some honest means !e may bring this !ar to an end, and reconcile them together, gi"e me notice o itE 5 !ill use my endea"ours in it !ith all my heart, and spare nothing on my side to moderate and accommodate the points in dispute bet!een both parties.

That's impossible at this time, ans!ered Ienomanes. *bout our years ago, passing incognito by this country, 5 endea"oured to make a peace, or at least a long truce among themE and 5 had certainly brought them to be good riends and neighbours i both one and the other parties !ould ha"e yielded to one single article. +hro"etide !ould not include in the treaty o peace the !ild puddings nor the highland sausages, their ancient gossips and con ederates. The Chitterlings demanded that the ort o Cac>ues might be under their go"ernment, as is the Castle o +ullouoir, and that a parcel o 5 don't kno! !hat stinking "illains, murderers, robbers, that held it then, should be e?pelled. But they could not agree in this, and the terms that !ere o ered seemed too hard to either party. +o the treaty broke o , and nothing !as done. 9e"ertheless, they became less se"ere, and gentler enemies than they !ere be oreE but since the denunciation o the national Council o Chesil, !hereby they !ere roughly handled, hampered, and citedE !hereby also +hro"etide !as declared ilthy, beshitten, and berayed, in case he made any league or agreement !ith themE they are gro!n !onder ully in"eterate, incensed, and obstinate against one another, and there is no !ay to remedy it. #ou might sooner reconcile cats and rats, or hounds and hares together.

Chapter /.III=5. (o! the !ild Chitterlings laid an ambuscado or Pantagruel. ;hile Ienomanes !as saying this, Friar 7ohn spied t!enty or thirty young slender$shaped Chitterlings posting as ast as they could to!ards their to!n, citadel, castle, and ort o Chimney, and said to Pantagruel, 5 smell a ratE there !ill be here the de"il upon t!o sticks, or 5 am much out. These !orship ul Chitterlings may chance to mistake you or +hro"etide, though you are not a bit like him. %et us once in our li"es lea"e our junketing or a !hile, and put oursel"es in a posture to gi"e 'em a belly ul o ighting, i they !ould be at that sport. There can be no alse %atin in this, said IenomanesE Chitterlings are still Chitterlings, al!ays double$hearted and treacherous. Pantagruel then arose rom table to "isit and scour the thicket, and returned presentlyE ha"ing disco"ered, on the le t, an ambuscade o s>uab ChitterlingsE and on the right, about hal a league rom thence, a large body o huge giant$like armed Chitterlings ranged in battalia along a little hill, and marching uriously to!ards us at the sound o bagpipes, sheep's paunches, and bladders, the merry i es and drums, trumpets, and clarions, hoping to catch us as <oss caught his mare. By the conjecture o se"enty$eight standards !hich !e told, !e guessed their number to be t!o and orty thousand, at a modest computation. Their order, proud gait, and resolute looks made us judge that they !ere none o your ra!, paltry links, but old !arlike Chitterlings and +ausages. From the oremost ranks to the colours they !ere all armed cap$a$pie !ith small arms, as !e reckoned them at a distance, yet "ery sharp and case$hardened. Their right and le t !ings !ere lined !ith a great number o orest puddings, hea"y pattipans, and horse sausages, all o them tall and proper islanders, banditti, and !ild. Pantagruel !as "ery much daunted, and not !ithout causeE though 1pistemon

told him that it might be the use and custom o the Chitterlingonians to !elcome and recei"e thus in arms their oreign riends, as the noble kings o France are recei"ed and saluted at their irst coming into the chie cities o the kingdom a ter their ad"ancement to the cro!n. Perhaps, said he, it may be the usual guard o the >ueen o the place, !ho, ha"ing notice gi"en her by the junior Chitterlings o the orlorn hope !hom you sa! on the tree, o the arri"al o your ine and pompous leet, hath judged that it !as !ithout doubt some rich and potent prince, and is come to "isit you in person. Pantagruel, little trusting to this, called a council, to ha"e their ad"ice at large in this doubt ul case. (e brie ly sho!ed them ho! this !ay o reception !ith arms had o ten, under colour o compliment and riendship, been atal. Thus, said he, the 1mperor *ntonius Caracalla at one time destroyed the citiHens o *le?andria, and at another time cut o the attendants o *rtabanus, :ing o Persia, under colour o marrying his daughter, !hich, by the !ay, did not pass unpunished, or a !hile a ter this cost him his li e. Thus 7acob's children destroyed the +ichemites, to re"enge the rape o their sister )inah. By such another hypocritical trick Gallienus, the Roman emperor, put to death the military men in Constantinople. Thus, under colour o riendship, *ntonius enticed *rta"asdes, :ing o *rmeniaE then, ha"ing caused him to be bound in hea"y chains and shackled, at last put him to death. ;e ind a thousand such instances in historyE and :ing Charles =5. is justly commended or his prudence to this day, in that, coming back "ictorious o"er the Ghenters and other Flemings to his good city o Paris, and !hen he came to Bourget, a league rom thence, hearing that the citiHens !ith their mallets$$!hence they got the name o <aillotins$$!ere marched out o to!n in battalia, t!enty thousand strong, he !ould not go into the to!n till they had laid do!n their arms and retired to their respecti"e homesE though they protested to him that they had taken arms !ith no other design than to recei"e him !ith the greater demonstration o honour and respect.

Chapter /.III=55. (o! Pantagruel sent or Colonel <aul$chitterling and Colonel Cut$puddingE !ith a discourse !ell !orth your hearing about the names o places and persons. The resolution o the council !as that, let things be ho! they !ould, it beho"ed the Pantagruelists to stand upon their guard. There ore Carpalin and Gymnast !ere ordered by Pantagruel to go or the soldiers that !ere on board the Cup galley, under the command o Colonel <aul$chitterling, and those on board the =ine$tub rigate, under the command o Colonel Cut$pudding the younger. 5 !ill ease Gymnast o that trouble, said Panurge, !ho !anted to be upon the runE you may ha"e occasion or him here. By this !orthy rock o mine, >uoth Friar 7ohn, thou hast a mind to slip thy neck out o the collar and absent thysel rom the ight, thou !hite$li"ered son o a dunghillL 8pon my "irginity thou !ilt ne"er come back. ;ell, there can be no great loss in theeE or thou !ouldst do nothing here but ho!l, bray, !eep, and dishearten the good soldiers. 5 !ill

certainly come back, said Panurge, Friar 7ohn, my ghostly ather, and speedily tooE do but take care that these plaguy Chitterlings do not board our ships. *ll the !hile you !ill be a$ ighting 5 !ill pray heartily or your "ictory, a ter the e?ample o the "aliant captain and guide o the people o 5srael, <oses. (a"ing said this, he !heeled o . Then said 1pistemon to Pantagruel& The denomination o these t!o colonels o yours, <aul$chitterling and Cut$pudding, promiseth us assurance, success, and "ictory, i those Chitterlings should chance to set upon us. #ou take it rightly, said Pantagruel, and it pleaseth me to see you oresee and prognosticate our "ictory by the names o our colonels. This !ay o oretelling by names is not ne!E it !as in old times celebrated and religiously obser"ed by the Pythagoreans. +e"eral great princes and emperors ha"e ormerly made good use o it. 'cta"ianus *ugustus, second emperor o the Romans, meeting on a day a country ello! named 1utychus $$that is, ortunate$$dri"ing an ass named 9icon$$that is, in Greek, =ictorian$$mo"ed by the signi ication o the ass's and ass$dri"er's names, remained assured o all prosperity and "ictory. The 1mperor =espasian being once all alone at prayers in the temple o +erapis, at the sight and une?pected coming o a certain ser"ant o his named Basilides$$that is, royal$$!hom he had le t sick a great !ay behind, took hopes and assurance o obtaining the empire o the Romans. Regilian !as chosen emperor by the soldiers or no other reason but the signi ication o his name. +ee the Cratylus o the di"ine Plato. @By my thirst, 5 !ill read it, said RhiHotomeE 5 hear you so o ten >uote it.D +ee ho! the Pythagoreans, by reason o the names and numbers, conclude that Patroclus !as to all by the hand o (ectorE (ector by *chillesE *chilles by ParisE Paris by Philoctetes. 5 am >uite lost in my understanding !hen 5 re lect upon the admirable in"ention o Pythagoras, !ho by the number, either e"en or odd, o the syllables o e"ery name, !ould tell you o !hat side a man !as lame, hulch$backed, blind, gouty, troubled !ith the palsy, pleurisy, or any other distemper incident to humankindE allotting e"en numbers to the le t @<otteu? reads$$'e"en numbers to the Right, and odd ones to the %e t.'D, and odd ones to the right side o the body. 5ndeed, said 1pistemon, 5 sa! this !ay o syllabiHing tried at Iaintes at a general procession, in the presence o that good, "irtuous, learned and just president, Brian =allee, %ord o )ouhait. ;hen there !ent by a man or !oman that !as either lame, blind o one eye, or humpbacked, he had an account brought him o his or her nameE and i the syllables o the name !ere o an odd number, immediately, !ithout seeing the persons, he declared them to be de ormed, blind, lame, or crooked o the right sideE and o the le t, i they !ere e"en in numberE and such indeed !e e"er ound them. By this syllabical in"ention, said Pantagruel, the learned ha"e a irmed that *chilles kneeling !as !ounded by the arro! o Paris in the right heel, or his name is o odd syllables @here !e ought to obser"e that the ancients used to kneel the right ootDE and that =enus !as also !ounded be ore Troy in the le t hand, or her name in Greek is *phrodite, o our syllablesE =ulcan lamed o his le t oot or the same reasonE Philip, :ing o <acedon, and (annibal, blind o the right eyeE not to speak o sciaticas, broken bellies, and hemicranias, !hich may be distinguished by this Pythagorean reason. But returning to names& do but consider ho! *le?ander the Great, son o

:ing Philip, o !hom !e spoke just no!, compassed his undertaking merely by the interpretation o a name. (e had besieged the strong city o Tyre, and or se"eral !eeks battered it !ith all his po!erE but all in "ain. (is engines and attempts !ere still ba led by the Tyrians, !hich made him inally resol"e to raise the siege, to his great grie E oreseeing the great stain !hich such a shame ul retreat !ould be to his reputation. 5n this an?iety and agitation o mind he ell asleep and dreamed that a satyr !as come into his tent, capering, skipping, and tripping it up and do!n, !ith his goatish hoo s, and that he stro"e to lay hold on him. But the satyr still slipped rom him, till at last, ha"ing penned him up into a corner, he took him. ;ith this he a!oke, and telling his dream to the philosophers and sages o his court, they let him kno! that it !as a promise o "ictory rom the gods, and that he should soon be master o TyreE the !ord satyros di"ided in t!o being sa Tyros, and signi ying Tyre is thineE and in truth, at the ne?t onset, he took the to!n by storm, and by a complete "ictory reduced that stubborn people to subjection. 'n the other hand, see ho!, by the signi ication o one !ord, Pompey ell into despair. Being o"ercome by Caesar at the battle o Pharsalia, he had no other !ay le t to escape but by lightE !hich attempting by sea, he arri"ed near the island o Cyprus, and percei"ed on the shore near the city o Paphos a beauti ul and stately palaceE no! asking the pilot !hat !as the name o it, he told him that it !as called kakobasilea, that is, e"il kingE !hich struck such a dread and terror in him that he ell into despair, as being assured o losing shortly his li eE insomuch that his complaints, sighs, and groans !ere heard by the mariners and other passengers. *nd indeed, a !hile a ter, a certain strange peasant, called *chillas, cut o his head. To all these e?amples might be added !hat happened to %. Paulus 1milius !hen the senate elected him imperator, that is, chie o the army !hich they sent against Perses, :ing o <acedon. That e"ening returning home to prepare or his e?pedition, and kissing a little daughter o his called Trasia, she seemed some!hat sad to him. ;hat is the matter, said he, my chickenK ;hy is my Trasia thus sad and melancholyK )addy, replied the child, Persa is dead. This !as the name o a little bitch !hich she lo"ed mightily. (earing this, Paulus took assurance o a "ictory o"er Perses. 5 time !ould permit us to discourse o the sacred (ebre! !rit, !e might ind a hundred noted passages e"idently sho!ing ho! religiously they obser"ed proper names and their signi ications. (e had hardly ended this discourse, !hen the t!o colonels arri"ed !ith their soldiers, all !ell armed and resolute. Pantagruel made them a short speech, entreating them to beha"e themsel"es bra"ely in case they !ere attackedE or he could not yet belie"e that the Chitterlings !ere so treacherousE but he bade them by no means to gi"e the irst o ence, gi"ing them Carni"al or the !atch!ord.

Chapter /.III=555. (o! Chitterlings are not to be slighted by men. #ou shake your empty noddles no!, jolly topers, and do not belie"e !hat 5 tell you here, any more than i it !ere some tale o a tub. ;ell, !ell, 5

cannot help it. Belie"e it i you !illE i you !on't, let it alone. For my part, 5 "ery !ell kno! !hat 5 say. 5t !as in the ;ild 5sland, in our "oyage to the (oly Bottle. 5 tell you the time and placeE !hat !ould you ha"e moreK 5 !ould ha"e you call to mind the strength o the ancient giants that undertook to lay the high mountain Pelion on the top o 'ssa, and set among those the shady 'lympus, to dash out the gods' brains, unnestle them, and scour their hea"enly lodgings. Theirs !as no small strength, you may !ell think, and yet they !ere nothing but Chitterlings rom the !aist do!n!ards, or at least serpents, not to tell a lie or the matter. The serpent that tempted 1"e, too, !as o the Chitterling kind, and yet it is recorded o him that he !as more subtle than any beast o the ield. 1"en so are Chitterlings. 9ay, to this "ery hour they hold in some uni"ersities that this same tempter !as the Chitterling called 5thyphallus, into !hich !as trans ormed ba!dy Priapus, arch$seducer o emales in paradise, that is, a garden, in Greek. Pray no! tell me !ho can tell but that the +!iss, no! so bold and !arlike, !ere ormerly ChitterlingsK For my part, 5 !ould not take my oath to the contrary. The (imantopodes, a nation "ery amous in 1thiopia, according to Pliny's description, are Chitterlings, and nothing else. 5 all this !ill not satis y your !orships, or remo"e your incredulity, 5 !ould ha"e you orth!ith @5 mean drinking irst, that nothing be done rashlyD "isit %usignan, Parthenay, =ouant, <er"ant, and PonHauges in Poitou. There you !ill ind a cloud o !itnesses, not o your a ida"it$men o the right stamp, but credible time out o mind, that !ill take their corporal oath, on Rigome's knuckle$bone, that <elusina their ounder or oundress, !hich you please, !as !oman rom the head to the prick$purse, and thence do!n!ards !as a serpentine Chitterling, or i you'll ha"e it other!ise, a ChitterlingdiHed serpent. +he ne"ertheless had a genteel and noble gait, imitated to this "ery day by your hop$merchants o Brittany, in their paspie and country dances. ;hat do you think !as the cause o 1richthonius's being the irst in"entor o coaches, litters, and chariotsK 9othing but because =ulcan had begot him !ith ChitterlingdiHed legs, !hich to hide he chose to ride in a litter, rather than on horsebackE or Chitterlings !ere not yet in esteem at that time. The +cythian nymph, 'ra, !as like!ise hal !oman and hal Chitterling, and yet seemed so beauti ul to 7upiter that nothing could ser"e him but he must gi"e her a touch o his godship's kindnessE and accordingly he had a bra"e boy by her, called Cola?esE and there ore 5 !ould ha"e you lea"e o shaking your empty noddles at this, as i it !ere a story, and irmly belie"e that nothing is truer than the gospel.

Chapter /.III5I. (o! Friar 7ohn joined !ith the cooks to ight the Chitterlings. Friar 7ohn seeing these urious Chitterlings thus boldly march up, said to Pantagruel, (ere !ill be a rare battle o hobby$horses, a pretty kind o puppet$sho! ight, or aught 5 see. 'hL !hat mighty honour and !onder ul glory !ill attend our "ictoryL 5 !ould ha"e you only be a bare spectator

o this ight, and or anything else lea"e me and my men to deal !ith them. ;hat menK said Pantagruel. <atter o bre"iary, replied Friar 7ohn. (o! came Potiphar, !ho !as head$cook o Pharaoh's kitchens, he that bought 7oseph, and !hom the said 7oseph might ha"e made a cuckold i he had not been a 7osephE ho! came he, 5 say, to be made general o all the horse in the kingdom o 1gyptK ;hy !as 9abuHardan, :ing 9ebuchadneHHar's head$cook, chosen to the e?clusion o all other captains to besiege and destroy 7erusalemK 5 hear you, replied Pantagruel. By +t. Christopher's !hiskers, said Friar 7ohn, 5 dare lay a !ager that it !as because they had ormerly engaged Chitterlings, or men as little "aluedE !hom to rout, con>uer, and destroy, cooks are !ithout comparison more it than cuirassiers and gendarmes armed at all points, or all the horse and oot in the !orld. #ou put me in mind, said Pantagruel, o !hat is !ritten amongst the acetious and merry sayings o Cicero. )uring the more than ci"il !ars bet!een Caesar and Pompey, though he !as much courted by the irst, he naturally leaned more to the side o the latter. 9o! one day hearing that the Pompeians in a certain rencontre had lost a great many men, he took a ancy to "isit their camp. There he percei"ed little strength, less courage, but much disorder. From that time, oreseeing that things !ould go ill !ith them, as it since happened, he began to banter no! one and then another, and be "ery ree o his cutting jestsE so some o Pompey's captains, playing the good ello!s to sho! their assurance, told him, )o you see ho! many eagles !e ha"e yetK @They !ere then the de"ice o the Romans in !ar.D They might be o use to you, replied Cicero, i you had to do !ith magpies. Thus, seeing !e are to ight Chitterlings, pursued Pantagruel, you in er thence that it is a culinary !ar, and ha"e a mind to join !ith the cooks. ;ell, do as you please, 5'll stay here in the meantime, and !ait or the e"ent o the rumpus. Friar 7ohn !ent that "ery moment among the sutlers, into the cooks' tents, and told them in a pleasing manner& 5 must see you cro!ned !ith honour and triumph this day, my ladsE to your arms are reser"ed such achie"ements as ne"er yet !ere per ormed !ithin the memory o man. 'ds$belly, do they make nothing o the "aliant cooksK %et us go ight yonder ornicating ChitterlingsL 5'll be your captain. But irst let's drink, boys. Come onL let us be o good cheer. 9oble captain, returned the kitchen tribe, this !as spoken like yoursel E bra"ely o ered. (uHHaL !e are all at your e?cellency's command, and !e li"e and die by you. %i"e, li"e, said Friar 7ohn, a God's nameE but die by no means. That is the Chitterlings' lotE they shall ha"e their belly ul o it. Come on then, let us put oursel"es in orderE 9abuHardan's the !ord.

Chapter /.I%. (o! Friar 7ohn itted up the so!E and o the "aliant cooks that !ent into it. Then, by Friar 7ohn's order, the engineers and their !orkmen itted up the great so! that !as in the ship %eathern Bottle. 5t !as a !onder ul machine, so contri"ed that, by means o large engines that !ere round about it in ro!s, it thro!'d orked iron bars and our$s>uared steel boltsE and in its hold t!o hundred men at least could easily ight, and be sheltered.

5t !as made a ter the model o the so! o Riole, by the means o !hich Bergerac !as retaken rom the 1nglish in the reign o Charles the +i?th. (ere are the names o the noble and "aliant cooks !ho !ent into the so!, as the Greeks did into the Trojan horse& +our$sauce. Crisp$pig. Carbonado. +!eet$meat. Greasy$slouch. +op$in$pan. Greedy$gut. Fat$gut. Pick$ o!l. %i>uorice$chops. Bray$mortar. <ustard$pot. +oused$pork. %ick$sauce. (og's$haslet. +lap$sauce. (og's$ oot. Chopped$phiH. Cock$broth. (odge$podge. Gallimau ry. +lipslop. *ll these noble cooks in their coat$o $arms did bear, in a ield gules, a larding$pin "ert, charged !ith a che"ron argent. %ard, hog's$lard. Pinch$lard. +natch$lard. 9ibble$lard. Top$lard. Gna!$lard. Filch$lard. Pick$lard. +crape$lard. Fat$lard. +a"e$lard. Che!$lard. Gaillard @by syncopeD born near Rambouillet. The said culinary doctor's name !as Gaillardlard, in the same manner as you use to say idolatrous or idololatrous. +ti $lard. ;atch$lard. +!eet$lard. 1at$lard. +nap$lard. Catch$lard. Cut$lard. ;aste$lard. <ince$lard. 'gle$lard. )ainty$lard. ;eigh$lard. Fresh$lard. Gulch$lard. Rusty$lard. 1ye$lard.

9ames unkno!n among the <arranes and 7e!s. Ballocky. Thirsty. Porridge$pot. Pick$sallat. :itchen$stu . %ick$dish. Broil$rasher. =erjuice. +alt$gullet. Coney$skin. +a"e$dripping. +nail$dresser. )ainty$chops. ;atercress. +oup$monger. Pie$!right. +crape$turnip. Bre!is$belly. Pudding$pan. Tri"et. Chine$picker. Toss$pot. <onsieur Ragout. +uck$gra"y. <ustard$sauce. Crack$pipkin. <acaroon. Claret$sauce. +crape$pot. +ke!er$maker. +!ill$broth. +mell$smock. (e !as a ter!ards taken rom the kitchen and remo"ed to chamber$practice, or the ser"ice o the noble Cardinal (unt$"enison. Rot$roast. (og's gullet. Fo?$tail. )ish$clout. +irloin. Fly$ lap. +a"e$suet. +pit$mutton. 'ld GriHHle. Fire$ umbler. Fritter$ rier. Ru $belly. Pillicock. Flesh$smith. +a ron$sauce. %ong$tool. Cram$gut. +trutting$tom.

Prick$pride. TuHHy$mussy. Prick$madam. 7acket$liner. Pricket. GuHHle$drink.

+lashed$snout. +mutty$ ace.

<ondam, that irst in"ented madam's sauce, and or that disco"ery !as thus called in the +cotch$French dialect. %oblolly. +lo"en. Trencher$man. +labber$chops. +!allo!$pitcher. Goodman Goosecap. +cum$pot. ;a er$monger. <unch$turnip. Gully$guts. +nap$gobbet. Pudding$bag. Rinse$pot. +cur"y$phiH. Pig$sticker. )rink$spiller. Robert. (e in"ented Robert's sauce, so good and necessary or roasted coneys, ducks, resh pork, poached eggs, salt ish, and a thousand other such dishes. Cold$eel. Frying$pan. Big$snout. Thornback. <an o dough. %ick$ inger. Gurnard. +auce$doctor. Tit$bit. Grumbling$gut. ;aste$butter. +auce$bo?. *lms$scrip. +hitbreech. *ll$ ours. Taste$all. Thick$bra!n. ;him!ham. +crap$merchant. Tom T$$d. Baste$roast. Belly$timberman. <ouldy$crust. Gaping$hoyden. (ashee. (asty. Cal 's$pluck. Frig$palate. Red$herring. %eather$breeches. Po!dering$tub. Cheesecake. *ll these noble cooks !ent into the so!, merry, cheery, hale, brisk, old dogs at mischie , and ready to ight stoutly. Friar 7ohn e"er and anon !a"ing his huge scimitar, brought up the rear, and double$locked the doors on the inside.

Chapter /.I%5. (o! Pantagruel broke the Chitterlings at the knees. The Chitterlings ad"anced so near that Pantagruel percei"ed that they stretched their arms and already began to charge their lances, !hich caused him to send Gymnast to kno! !hat they meant, and !hy they thus, !ithout the least pro"ocation, came to all upon their old trusty riends, !ho had neither said nor done the least ill thing to them. Gymnast being ad"anced near their ront, bo!ed "ery lo!, and said to them as loud as e"er he could& ;e are riends, !e are riendsE all, all o us your riends, yours, and at your commandE !e are or Carni"al, your old con ederate. +ome ha"e since told me that he mistook, and said ca"ernal instead o carni"al. ;hate"er it !as, the !ord !as no sooner out o his mouth but a huge little s>uab +ausage, starting out o the ront o their main body, !ould ha"e griped him by the collar. By the helmet o <ars, said Gymnast, 5 !ill s!allo! theeE but thou shalt only come in in chips and slicesE or, big as thou art, thou couldst ne"er come in !hole. This spoke, he lugs out his trusty s!ord, :iss$mine$arse @so he called itD !ith both his ists, and cut

the +ausage in t!ain. Bless me, ho! at the oul thie !asL it puts me in mind o the huge bull o Berne, that !as slain at <arignan !hen the drunken +!iss !ere so mauled there. Belie"e me, it had little less than our inches' lard on its paunch. The +ausage's job being done, a cro!d o others le! upon Gymnast, and had most scur"ily dragged him do!n !hen Pantagruel !ith his men came up to his relie . Then began the martial ray, higgledy$piggledy. <aul$chitterling did maul chitterlingsE Cut$pudding did cut puddingsE Pantagruel did break the Chitterlings at the kneesE Friar 7ohn played at least in sight !ithin his so!, "ie!ing and obser"ing all thingsE !hen the Pattipans that lay in ambuscade most uriously sallied out upon Pantagruel. Friar 7ohn, !ho lay snug all this !hile, by that time percei"ing the rout and hurlyburly, set open the doors o his so! and sallied out !ith his merry Greeks, some o them armed !ith iron spits, others !ith andirons, racks, ire$sho"els, rying$pans, kettles, grid$irons, o"en orks, tongs, dripping pans, brooms, iron pots, mortars, pestles, all in battle array, like so many housebreakers, hallooing and roaring out all together most right ully, 9abuHardan, 9abuHardan, 9abuHardan. Thus shouting and hooting they ought like dragons, and charged through the Pattipans and +ausages. The Chitterlings percei"ing this resh rein orcement, and that the others !ould be too hard or 'em, betook themsel"es to their heels, scampering o !ith ull speed, as i the de"il had come or them. Friar 7ohn, !ith an iron cro!, knocked them do!n as ast as hopsE his men, too, !ere not sparing on their side. 'h, !hat a !oe ul sight it !asL the ield !as all o"er stre!ed !ith heaps o dead or !ounded ChitterlingsE and history relates that had not hea"en had a hand in it, the Chitterling tribe had been totally routed out o the !orld by the culinary champions. But there happened a !onder ul thing, you may belie"e as little or as much o it as you please. From the north le! to!ards us a huge, at, thick, griHHly s!ine, !ith long and large !ings, like those o a !indmillE its plumes red crimson, like those o a phenicoptere @!hich in %anguedoc they call lamanDE its eyes !ere red, and laming like a carbuncleE its ears green, like a Prasin emeraldE its teeth like a topaHE its tail long and black, like jetE its eet !hite, diaphanous and transparent like a diamond, some!hat broad, and o the splay kind, like those o geese, and as Jueen )ick's used to be at Toulouse in the days o yore. *bout its neck it !ore a gold collar, round !hich !ere some 5onian characters, !hereo 5 could pick out but t!o !ords, 8+ *T(19*9, hog$teaching <iner"a. The sky !as clear be oreE but at that monster's appearance it changed so mightily or the !orse that !e !ere all amaHed at it. *s soon as the Chitterlings percei"ed the lying hog, do!n they all thre! their !eapons and ell on their knees, li ting up their hands joined together, !ithout speaking one !ord, in a posture o adoration. Friar 7ohn and his party kept on mincing, elling, braining, mangling, and spitting the Chitterlings like madE but Pantagruel sounded a retreat, and all hostility ceased. The monster ha"ing se"eral times ho"ered back!ards and or!ards bet!een the t!o armies, !ith a tail$shot "oided abo"e t!enty$se"en butts o mustard on the groundE then le! a!ay through the air, crying all the !hile, Carni"al, Carni"al, Carni"al.

Chapter /.I%55. (o! Pantagruel held a treaty !ith 9iphleseth, Jueen o the Chitterlings. The monster being out o sight, and the t!o armies remaining silent, Pantagruel demanded a parley !ith the lady 9iphleseth, Jueen o the Chitterlings, !ho !as in her chariot by the standardsE and it !as easily granted. The >ueen alighted, courteously recei"ed Pantagruel, and !as glad to see him. Pantagruel complained to her o this breach o peaceE but she ci"illy made her e?cuse, telling him that a alse in ormation had caused all this mischie E her spies ha"ing brought her !ord that +hro"etide, their mortal oe, !as landed, and spent his time in e?amining the urine o physeters. +he there ore entreated him to pardon them their o ence, telling him that sir$re"erence !as sooner ound in Chitterlings than gallE and o ering, or hersel and all her successors, to hold o him and his the !hole island and countryE to obey him in all his commands, be riends to his riends, and oes to his oesE and also to send e"ery year, as an ackno!ledgment o their homage, a tribute o se"enty$eight thousand royal Chitterlings, to ser"e him at his irst course at table si? months in the yearE !hich !as punctually per ormed. For the ne?t day she sent the a oresaid >uantity o royal Chitterlings to the good Gargantua, under the conduct o young 9iphleseth, in anta o the island. The good Gargantua made a present o them to the great :ing o Paris. But by change o air, and or !ant o mustard @the natural balsam and restorer o ChitterlingsD, most o them died. By the great king's particular grant they !ere buried in heaps in a part o Paris to this day called %a Rue pa"ee d'*ndouilles, the street pa"ed !ith Chitterlings. *t the re>uest o the ladies at his court young 9iphleseth !as preser"ed, honourably used, and since that married to heart's contentE and !as the mother o many children, or !hich hea"en be praised. Pantagruel ci"illy thanked the >ueen, orga"e all o ences, re used the o er she had made o her country, and ga"e her a pretty little kni e. * ter that he asked se"eral nice >uestions concerning the apparition o that lying hog. +he ans!ered that it !as the idea o Carni"al, their tutelary god in time o !ar, irst ounder and original o all the Chitterling raceE or !hich reason he resembled a hog, or Chitterlings dre! their e?traction rom hogs. Pantagruel asking to !hat purpose and curati"e indication he had "oided so much mustard on the earth, the >ueen replied that mustard !as their sanc$greal and celestial balsam, o !hich, laying but a little in the !ounds o the allen Chitterlings, in a "ery short time the !ounded !ere healed and the dead restored to li e. Pantagruel held no urther discourse !ith the >ueen, but retired a$shipboard. The like did all the boon companions, !ith their implements o destruction and their huge so!.

Chapter /.I%555. (o! Pantagruel !ent into the island o Ruach.

T!o days a ter !e arri"ed at the island o RuachE and 5 s!ear to you, by the celestial hen and chickens, that 5 ound the !ay o li"ing o the people so strange and !onder ul that 5 can't, or the heart's blood o me, hal tell it you. They li"e on nothing but !ind, eat nothing but !ind, and drink nothing but !ind. They ha"e no other houses but !eathercocks. They so! no other seeds but the three sorts o !ind lo!ers, rue, and herbs that may make one break !ind to the purposeE these scour them o care ully. The common sort o people to eed themsel"es make use o eather, paper, or linen ans, according to their abilities. *s or the rich, they li"e by the means o !indmills. ;hen they !ould ha"e some noble treat, the tables are spread under one or t!o !indmills. There they east as merry as beggars, and during the meal their !hole talk is commonly o the goodness, e?cellency, salubrity, and rarity o !indsE as you, jolly topers, in your cups philosophiHe and argue upon !ines. The one praises the south$east, the other the south$!estE this the !est and by south, and this the east and by northE another the !est, and another the eastE and so o the rest. *s or lo"ers and amorous sparks, no gale or them like a smock$gale. For the sick they use bello!s as !e use clysters among us. 'hL said to me a little diminuti"e s!ollen bubble, that 5 had no! but a bladder ul o that same %anguedoc !ind !hich they call Cierce. The amous physician, +curron, passing one day by this country, !as telling us that it is so strong that it !ill make nothing o o"erturning a loaded !aggon. 'hL !hat good !ould it not do my 'edipodic leg. The biggest are not the bestE but, said Panurge, rather !ould 5 had here a large butt o that same good %anguedoc !ine that gro!s at <ire"au?, Canteperdri?, and Frontignan. 5 sa! a good likely sort o a man there, much resembling =entrose, tearing and uming in a grie"ous ret !ith a tall burly groom and a pimping little page o his, laying them on, like the de"il, !ith a buskin. 9ot kno!ing the cause o his anger, at irst 5 thought that all this !as by the doctor's ad"ice, as being a thing "ery healthy to the master to be in a passion and to his man to be banged or it. But at last 5 heard him ta?ing his man !ith stealing rom him, like a rogue as he !as, the better hal o a large leathern bag o an e?cellent southerly !ind, !hich he had care ully laid up, like a hidden reser"e, against the cold !eather. They neither e?onerate, dung, piss, nor spit in that islandE but, to make amends, they belch, iHHle, unk, and gi"e tail$shots in abundance. They are troubled !ith all manner o distempersE and, indeed, all distempers are engendered and proceed rom "entosities, as (ippocrates demonstrates, lib. )e Flatibus. But the most epidemical among them is the !ind$cholic. The remedies !hich they use are large clysters, !hereby they "oid store o !indiness. They all die o dropsies and tympanies, the men arting and the !omen iHHlingE so that their soul takes her lea"e at the back$door. +ome time a ter, !alking in the island, !e met three hairbrained airy ello!s, !ho seemed mightily pu ed up, and !ent to take their pastime and "ie! the plo"ers, !ho li"e on the same diet as themsel"es, and abound in the island. 5 obser"ed that, as your true topers !hen they tra"el carry lasks, leathern bottles, and small runlets along !ith them, so each o them had at his girdle a pretty little pair o bello!s. 5 they happened to !ant !ind, by the help o those pretty bello!s they immediately dre! some, resh and cool, by attraction and reciprocal e?pulsionE or, as you !ell kno!, !ind essentially de ined is nothing but luctuating and agitated

air. * !hile a ter, !e !ere commanded, in the king's name, not to recei"e or three hours any man or !oman o the country on board our shipsE some ha"ing stolen rom him a rousing art, o the "ery indi"idual !ind !hich old goodman *eolus the snorer ga"e 8lysses to conduct his ship !hene"er it should happen to be becalmed. ;hich art the king kept religiously, like another sanc$greal, and per ormed a !orld o !onder ul cures !ith it in many dangerous diseases, letting loose and distributing to the patient only as much o it as might rame a "irginal artE !hich is, i you must kno!, !hat our sanctimonials, alias nuns, in their dialect call ringing back!ards.

Chapter /.I%5=. (o! small rain lays a high !ind. Pantagruel commended their go"ernment and !ay o li"ing, and said to their hypenemian mayor& 5 you appro"e 1picurus's opinion, placing the summum bonum in pleasure @5 mean pleasure that's easy and ree rom toilD, 5 esteem you happyE or your ood being !ind, costs you little or nothing, since you need but blo!. True, sir, returned the mayorE but, alasL nothing is per ect here belo!E or too o ten !hen !e are at table, eeding on some good blessed !ind o God as on celestial manna, merry as so many riars, do!n drops on a sudden some small rain, !hich lays our !ind, and so robs us o it. Thus many a meal's lost or !ant o meat. 7ust so, >uoth Panurge, 7enin Toss$pot o Juin>uenais, e"acuating some !ine o his o!n burning on his !i e's posteriors, laid the ill$ umed !ind that blo!ed out o their centre as out o some magisterial *eolipile. (ere is a kind o a !him on that subject !hich 5 made ormerly& 'ne e"ening !hen Toss$pot had been at his butts, *nd 7oan his at spouse crammed !ith turnips her guts, Together they pigged, nor did drink so besot him But he did !hat !as done !hen his daddy begot him. 9o! !hen to recruit he'd ain ha"e been snoring, 7oan's back$door !as ilthily pu ing and roaringE +o or spite he bepissed her, and >uickly did ind That a "ery small rain lays a "ery high !ind. ;e are also plagued yearly !ith a "ery great calamity, cried the mayorE or a giant called ;ide$nostrils, !ho li"es in the island o Tohu, comes hither e"ery spring to purge, by the ad"ice o his physicians, and s!allo!s us, like so many pills, a great number o !indmills, and o bello!s also, at !hich his mouth !aters e?ceedingly. 9o! this is a sad morti ication to us here, !ho are ain to ast o"er three or our !hole %ents e"ery year or this, besides certain petty %ents, ember !eeks, and other orison and star"ing tides. *nd ha"e you no remedy or thisK asked Pantagruel. By the ad"ice o our <eHarims, replied the mayor, about the time that he uses to gi"e us a "isit, !e garrison our !indmills !ith good store o cocks and hens. The irst time that the greedy thie s!allo!ed them, they had like to ha"e done his business at onceE or they cro!ed and cackled in his ma!, and luttered up and do!n ath!art and along

in his stomach, !hich thre! the glutton into a lipothymy cardiac passion and dread ul and dangerous con"ulsions, as i some serpent, creeping in at his mouth, had been risking in his stomach. (ere is a comparati"e as altogether incongruous and impertinent, cried Friar 7ohn, interrupting themE or 5 ha"e ormerly heard that i a serpent chance to get into a man's stomach it !ill not do him the least hurt, but !ill immediately get out i you do but hang the patient by the heels and lay a pan ul o !arm milk near his mouth. #ou !ere told this, said Pantagruel, and so !ere those !ho ga"e you this accountE but none e"er sa! or read o such a cure. 'n the contrary, (ippocrates, in his i th book o 1pidem, !rites that such a case happening in his time the patient presently died o a spasm and con"ulsion. Besides the cocks and hens, said the mayor, continuing his story, all the o?es in the country !hipped into ;ide$nostril's mouth, posting a ter the poultryE !hich made such a stir !ith Reynard at their heels, that he grie"ously ell into its each minute o an hour. *t last, by the ad"ice o a Baden enchanter, at the time o the paro?ysm he used to lay a o? by !ay o antidote and counter$poison. +ince that he took better ad"ice, and eases himsel !ith taking a clyster made !ith a decoction o !heat and barley corns, and o li"ers o goslingsE to the irst o !hich the poultry run, and the o?es to the latter. Besides, he s!allo!s some o your badgers or o?$dogs by the !ay o pills and boluses. This is our mis ortune. Cease to ear, good people, cried PantagruelE this huge ;ide$nostrils, this same s!allo!er o !indmills, is no more, 5 !ill assure youE he died, being sti led and choked !ith a lump o resh butter at the mouth o a hot o"en, by the ad"ice o his physicians.

Chapter /.I%=. (o! Pantagruel !ent ashore in the island o Pope$Figland. The ne?t morning !e arri"ed at the island o Pope$ igsE ormerly a rich and ree people, called the Gaillardets, but no!, alasL miserably poor, and under the yoke o the Papimen. The occasion o it !as this& 'n a certain yearly high holiday, the burgomaster, syndics, and topping rabbies o the Gaillardets chanced to go into the neighbouring island Papimany to see the esti"al and pass a!ay the time. 9o! one o them ha"ing espied the pope's picture @!ith the sight o !hich, according to a laudable custom, the people !ere blessed on high$o ering holidaysD, made mouths at it, and cried, * ig or itL as a sign o mani est contempt and derision. To be re"enged o this a ront, the Papimen, some days a ter, !ithout gi"ing the others the least !arning, took arms, and surprised, destroyed, and ruined the !hole island o the GaillardetsE putting the men to the s!ord, and sparing none but the !omen and children, and those too only on condition to do !hat the inhabitants o <ilan !ere condemned to by the 1mperor Frederick Barbarossa. These had rebelled against him in his absence, and ignominiously turned the empress out o the city, mounting her a$horseback on a mule called Thacor,

!ith her breech oremost to!ards the old jaded mule's head, and her ace turned to!ards the crupper. 9o! Frederick being returned, mastered them, and caused so care ul a search to be made that he ound out and got the amous mule Thacor. Then the hangman by his order clapped a ig into the mule's jimcrack, in the presence o the ensla"ed cits that !ere brought into the middle o the great market$place, and proclaimed in the emperor's name, !ith trumpets, that !hosoe"er o them !ould sa"e his o!n li e should publicly pull the ig out !ith his teeth, and a ter that put it in again in the "ery indi"idual cranny !hence he had dra!'d it !ithout using his hands, and that !hoe"er re used to do this should presently s!ing or it and die in his shoes. +ome sturdy ools, standing upon their punctilio, chose honourably to be hanged rather than submit to so shame ul and abominable a disgraceE and others, less nice in point o ceremony, took heart o grace, and e"en resol"ed to ha"e at the ig, and a ig or't, rather than make a !orse igure !ith a hempen collar, and die in the air at so short !arning. *ccordingly, !hen they had neatly picked out the ig !ith their teeth rom old Thacor's snatch$blatch, they plainly sho!ed it the headsman, saying, 1cco lo ico, Behold the igL By the same ignominy the rest o these poor distressed Gaillardets sa"ed their bacon, becoming tributaries and sla"es, and the name o Pope$ igs !as gi"en them, because they said, * ig or the pope's image. +ince this, the poor !retches ne"er prospered, but e"ery year the de"il !as at their doors, and they !ere plagued !ith hail, storms, amine, and all manner o !oes, as an e"erlasting punishment or the sin o their ancestors and relations. Percei"ing the misery and calamity o that generation, !e did not care to go urther up into the country, contenting oursel"es !ith going into a little chapel near the ha"en to take some holy !ater. 5t !as dilapidated and ruined, !anting also a co"er$$like +aint Peter at Rome. ;hen !e !ere in, as !e dipped our ingers in the sancti ied cistern, !e spied in the middle o that holy pickle a ello! mu led up !ith stoles, all under !ater, like a di"ing duck, e?cept the tip o his snout to dra! his breath. *bout him stood three priests, true sha"elings, clean shorn and polled, !ho !ere muttering strange !ords to the de"ils out o a conjuring book. Pantagruel !as not a little amaHed at this, and in>uiring !hat kind o sport these !ere at, !as told that or three years last past the plague had so dread ully raged in the island that the better hal o it had been utterly depopulated, and the lands lay allo! and unoccupied. 9o!, the mortality being o"er, this same ello! !ho had crept into the holy tub, ha"ing a large piece o ground, chanced to be so!ing it !ith !hite !inter !heat at the "ery minute o an hour that a kind o a silly sucking de"il, !ho could not yet !rite or read, or hail and thunder, unless it !ere on parsley or cole!orts, and got lea"e o his master %uci er to go into this island o Pope$ igs, !here the de"ils !ere "ery amiliar !ith the men and !omen, and o ten !ent to take their pastime. This same de"il being got thither, directed his discourse to the husbandman, and asked him !hat he !as doing. The poor man told him that he !as so!ing the ground !ith corn to help him to subsist the ne?t year. *y, but the ground is none o thine, <r. Plough$jobber, cried the de"il, but mineE or since the time that you mocked the pope all this land has been proscribed, adjudged, and abandoned to us. (o!e"er, to so! corn is not my pro"inceE there ore 5 !ill gi"e thee lea"e to so! the ield, that is to say, pro"ided !e share the pro it. 5 !ill, replied the armer. 5 mean, said the de"il, that o !hat the land shall bear, t!o lots shall be made, one o !hat shall gro! abo"e ground, the other o !hat shall be co"ered

!ith earth. The right o choosing belongs to meE or 5 am a de"il o noble and ancient raceE thou art a base clo!n. 5 there ore choose !hat shall lie under ground, take thou !hat shall be abo"e. ;hen dost thou reckon to reap, hahK *bout the middle o 7uly, >uoth the armer. ;ell, said the de"il, 5'll not ail thee thenE in the meantime, sla"e as thou oughtest. ;ork, clo!n, !ork. 5 am going to tempt to the pleasing sin o !horing the nuns o )ry art, the sham saints o the co!l, and the gluttonish cre!. 5 am more than sure o these. They need but meet, and the job is doneE true ire and tinder, touch and takeE do!n alls nun, and up gets riar.

Chapter /.I%=5. (o! a junior de"il !as ooled by a husbandman o Pope$Figland. 5n the middle o 7uly the de"il came to the place a oresaid !ith all his cre! at his heels, a !hole choir o the younger ry o hellE and ha"ing met the armer, said to him, ;ell, clodpate, ho! hast thou done since 5 !entK Thou and 5 must share the concern. *y, master de"il, >uoth the clo!nE it is but reason !e should. Then he and his men began to cut and reap the cornE and, on the other side, the de"il's imps ell to !ork, grubbing up and pulling out the stubble by the root. The countryman had his corn thrashed, !inno!ed it, put in into sacks, and !ent !ith it to market. The same did the de"il's ser"ants, and sat them do!n there by the man to sell their stra!. The countryman sold o his corn at a good rate, and !ith the money illed an old kind o a demi$buskin !hich !as astened to his girdle. But the de"il a sou the de"ils tookE ar rom taking handsel, they !ere louted and jeered by the country louts. <arket being o"er, >uoth the de"il to the armer, ;ell, clo!n, thou hast choused me once, it is thy aultE chouse me t!ice, 't!ill be mine. 9ay, good sir de"il, replied the armerE ho! can 5 be said to ha"e choused you, since it !as your !orship that chose irstK The truth is, that by this trick you thought to cheat me, hoping that nothing !ould spring out o the earth or my share, and that you should ind !hole underground the corn !hich 5 had so!ed, and !ith it tempt the poor and needy, the close hypocrite, or the co"etous griperE thus making them all into your snares. But troth, you must e'en go to school yetE you are no conjurer, or aught 5 seeE or the corn that !as so!'d is dead and rotten, its corruption ha"ing caused the generation o that !hich you sa! me sell. +o you chose the !orst, and there ore are cursed in the gospel. ;ell, talk no more o it, >uoth the de"ilE !hat canst thou so! our ield !ith or ne?t yearK 5 a man !ould make the best o it, ans!ered the ploughman, 't!ere it he so! it !ith radish. 9o!, cried the de"il, thou talkest like an honest ello!, bumpkin. ;ell, so! me good store o radish, 5'll see and keep them sa e rom storms, and !ill not hail a bit on them. But hark ye me, this time 5 bespeak or my share !hat shall be abo"e groundE !hat's under shall be thine. )rudge on, looby, drudge on. 5 am going to tempt hereticsE their souls are dainty "ictuals !hen broiled in rashers and !ell po!dered. <y %ord %uci er has the griping in the gutsE they'll make a dainty !arm dish or his honour's ma!. ;hen the season o radishes !as come, our de"il ailed not to meet in the ield, !ith a train o rascally underlings, all !aiting de"ils, and inding there the armer and his men, he began to cut and gather the lea"es o the

radishes. * ter him the armer !ith his spade dug up the radishes, and clapped them up into pouches. This done, the de"il, the armer, and their gangs, hied them to market, and there the armer presently made good money o his radishesE but the poor de"il took nothingE nay, !hat !as !orse, he !as made a common laughing$stock by the gaping hoidens. 5 see thou hast played me a scur"y trick, thou "illainous ello!, cried the angry de"ilE at last 5 am ully resol"ed e"en to make an end o the business bet!i?t thee and mysel about the ground, and these shall be the terms& !e !ill clappercla! each other, and !hoe"er o us t!o shall irst cry (old, shall >uit his share o the ield, !hich shall !holly belong to the con>ueror. 5 i? the time or this trial o skill on this day se"en$nightE assure thysel that 5'll cla! thee o like a de"il. 5 !as going to tempt your ornicators, baili s, perple?ers o causes, scri"eners, orgers o deeds, t!o$handed counsellors, pre"aricating solicitors, and other such "erminE but they !ere so ci"il as to send me !ord by an interpreter that they are all mine already. Besides, our master %uci er is so cloyed !ith their souls that he o ten sends them back to the smutty scullions and slo"enly de"ils o his kitchen, and they scarce go do!n !ith them, unless no! and then, !hen they are high$seasoned. +ome say there is no break ast like a student's, no dinner like a la!yer's, no a ternoon's nunchion like a "ine$dresser's, no supper like a tradesman's, no second supper like a ser"ing$!ench's, and none o these meals e>ual to a rocki ied hobgoblin's. *ll this is true enough. *ccordingly, at my %ord %uci er's irst course, hobgoblins, alias imps in co!ls, are a standing dish. (e !illingly used to break ast on studentsE but, alasL 5 do not kno! by !hat ill luck they ha"e o late years joined the (oly Bible to their studiesE so the de"il a one !e can get do!n among usE and 5 "erily belie"e that unless the hypocrites o the tribe o %e"i help us in it, taking rom the enlightened book$mongers their +t. Paul, either by threats, re"ilings, orce, "iolence, ire, and aggot, !e shall not be able to hook in any more o them to nibble at belo!. (e dines commonly on counsellors, mischie $mongers, multipliers o la!suits, such as !rest and per"ert right and la! and grind and leece the poorE he ne"er ears to !ant any o these. But !ho can endure to be !edded to a dishK (e said t'other day, at a ull chapter, that he had a great mind to eat the soul o one o the raternity o the co!l that had orgot to speak or himsel in his sermon, and he promised double pay and a large pension to anyone that should bring him such a titbit piping hot. ;e all !ent a$hunting a ter such a rarity, but came home !ithout the preyE or they all admonish the good !omen to remember their con"ent. *s or a ternoon nunchions, he has le t them o since he !as so !oe ully griped !ith the colicE his osterers, sutlers, charcoal$men, and boiling cooks ha"ing been sadly mauled and peppered o in the northern countries. (is high de"ilship sups "ery !ell on tradesmen, usurers, apothecaries, cheats, coiners, and adulterers o !ares. 9o! and then, !hen he is on the merry pin, his second supper is o ser"ing$!enches !ho, a ter they ha"e by stealth soaked their aces !ith their master's good li>uor, ill up the "essel !ith it at second hand, or !ith other stinking !ater. ;ell, drudge on, boor, drudge onE 5 am going to tempt the students o Trebisonde to lea"e ather and mother, orego or e"er the established and common rule o li"ing, disclaim and ree themsel"es rom obeying their la! ul so"ereign's edicts, li"e in absolute liberty, proudly despise e"eryone, laugh at all mankind, and taking the ine jo"ial little cap o

poetic licence, become so many pretty hobgoblins.

Chapter /.I%=55. (o! the de"il !as decei"ed by an old !oman o Pope$Figland. The country lob trudged home "ery much concerned and thought ul, you may s!earE insomuch that his good !oman, seeing him thus look moping, !eened that something had been stolen rom him at marketE but !hen she had heard the cause o his a liction and seen his budget !ell lined !ith coin, she bade him be o good cheer, assuring him that he !ould be ne"er the !orse or the scratching bout in >uestionE !ishing him only to lea"e her to manage that business, and not trouble his head about itE or she had already contri"ed ho! to bring him o cle"erly. %et the !orst come to the !orst, said the husbandman, it !ill be but a scratchE or 5'll yield at the irst stroke, and >uit the ield. Juit a art, replied the !i eE he shall ha"e none o the ield. Rely upon me, and be >uietE let me alone to deal !ith him. #ou say he is a pimping little de"il, that is enoughE 5 !ill soon make him gi"e up the ield, 5 !ill !arrant you. 5ndeed, had he been a great de"il, it had been some!hat. The day that !e landed in the island happened to be that !hich the de"il had i?ed or the combat. 9o! the countryman ha"ing, like a good Catholic, "ery airly con essed himsel , and recei"ed betimes in the morning, by the ad"ice o the "icar had hid himsel , all but the snout, in the holy$!ater pot, in the posture in !hich !e ound himE and just as they !ere telling us this story, ne!s came that the old !oman had ooled the de"il and gained the ield. #ou may not be sorry, perhaps, to hear ho! this happened. The de"il, you must kno!, came to the poor man's door, and rapping there, cried, +o hoL ho, the houseL ho, clodpateL !here art thouK Come out !ith a "engeanceE come out !ith a !annionE come out and be damnedE no! or cla!ing. Then briskly and resolutely entering the house, and not inding the countryman there, he spied his !i e lying on the ground, piteously !eeping and ho!ling. ;hat is the matterK asked the de"il. ;here is heK !hat does heK 'hL that 5 kne! !here he is, replied threescore and i"eE the !icked rogue, the butcherly dog, the murdererL (e has spoiled meE 5 am undoneE 5 die o !hat he has done me. (o!, cried the de"il, !hat is itK 5'll tickle him o or you by$and$by. *lasL cried the old dissembler, he told me, the butcher, the tyrant, the tearer o de"ils told me that he had made a match to scratch !ith you this day, and to try his cla!s he did but just touch me !ith his little inger here bet!i?t the legs, and has spoiled me or e"er. 'hL 5 am a dead !omanE 5 shall ne"er be mysel againE do but seeL 9ay, and besides, he talked o going to the smith's to ha"e his pounces sharpened and pointed. *lasL you are undone, <r. )e"ilE good sir, scamper >uickly, 5 am sure he !on't stayE sa"e yoursel , 5 beseech you. ;hile she said this she unco"ered hersel up to the chin, a ter the manner in !hich the Persian !omen met their children !ho led rom the ight, and plainly sho!ed her !hat do ye call them. The rightened de"il, seeing the enormous solution o the continuity in all its dimensions, blessed himsel , and cried out, <ahon, )emiourgon, <egaera, *lecto, PersephoneL 'sli e, catch me here !hen he comesL 5 am goneL 'sdeath, !hat a gashL 5 resign him the ield. (a"ing heard the catastrophe o the story, !e retired a$shipboard, not

being !illing to stay there any longer. Pantagruel ga"e to the poor's bo? o the abric o the church eighteen thousand good royals, in commiseration o the po"erty o the people and the calamity o the place.

Chapter /.I%=555. (o! Pantagruel !ent ashore at the island o Papimany. (a"ing le t the desolate island o the Pope$ igs, !e sailed or the space o a day "ery airly and merrily, and made the blessed island o Papimany. *s soon as !e had dropt anchor in the road, be ore !e had !ell moored our ship !ith ground$tackle, our persons in di erent garbs ro!ed to!ards us in a ski . 'ne o them !as dressed like a monk in his rock, draggle$tailed, and bootedE the other like a alconer, !ith a lure, and a long$!inged ha!k on his istE the third like a solicitor, !ith a large bag, ull o in ormations, subpoenas, bre"iates, bills, !rits, cases, and other implements o petti oggingE the ourth looked like one o your "ine$barbers about 'cleans, !ith a jaunty pair o can"as trousers, a dosser, and a pruning kni e at his girdle. *s soon as the boat had clapped them on board, they all !ith one "oice asked, (a"e you seen him, good passengers, ha"e you seen himK ;hoK asked Pantagruel. #ou kno! !ho, ans!ered they. ;ho is itK asked Friar 7ohn. '+blood and 'ounds, 5'll thrash him thick and three old. This he said thinking that they in>uired a ter some robber, murderer, or church$breaker. 'h, !onder ulL cried the ourE do not you oreign people kno! the oneK +irs, replied 1pistemon, !e do not understand those termsE but i you !ill be pleased to let us kno! !ho you mean, !e !ill tell you the truth o the matter !ithout any more ado. ;e mean, said they, he that is. )id you e"er see himK (e that is, returned Pantagruel, according to our theological doctrine, is God, !ho said to <oses, 5 am that 5 am. ;e ne"er sa! him, nor can he be beheld by mortal eyes. ;e mean nothing less than that supreme God !ho rules in hea"en, replied theyE !e mean the god on earth. )id you e"er see himK 8pon my honour, replied Carpalin, they mean the pope. *y, ay, ans!ered PanurgeE yea, "erily, gentlemen, 5 ha"e seen three o them, !hose sight has not much bettered me. (o!L cried they, our sacred decretals in orm us that there ne"er is more than one li"ing. 5 mean successi"ely, one a ter the other, returned PanurgeE other!ise 5 ne"er sa! more than one at a time. ' thrice and our times happy peopleL cried theyE you are !elcome, and more than double !elcomeL They then kneeled do!n be ore us and !ould ha"e kissed our eet, but !e !ould not su er it, telling them that should the pope come thither in his o!n person, 'tis all they could do to him. 9o, certainly, ans!ered they, or !e ha"e already resol"ed upon the matter. ;e !ould kiss his bare arse !ithout boggling at it, and eke his t!o poundersE or he has a pair o them, the holy ather, that he hasE !e ind it so by our ine decretals, other!ise he could not be pope. +o that, according to our subtle decretaline philosophy, this is a necessary conse>uence& he is popeE there ore he has genitories, and should genitories no more be ound in the !orld, the !orld could no more ha"e a pope. ;hile they !ere talking thus, Pantagruel in>uired o one o the co?s!ain's cre! !ho those persons !ere. (e ans!ered that they !ere the our estates o the island, and added that !e should be made as !elcome as princes,

since !e had seen the pope. Panurge ha"ing been ac>uainted !ith this by Pantagruel, said to him in his ear, 5 s!ear and "o!, sir, 'tis e"en soE he that has patience may compass anything. +eeing the pope had done us no goodE no!, in the de"il's name, 't!ill do us a great deal. ;e then !ent ashore, and the !hole country, men, !omen, and children, came to meet us as in a solemn procession. 'ur our estates cried out to them !ith a loud "oice, They ha"e seen himL they ha"e seen himL they ha"e seen himL That proclamation being made, all the mob kneeled be ore us, li ting up their hands to!ards hea"en, and crying, ' happy menL ' most happyL and this acclamation lasted abo"e a >uarter o an hour. Then came the Busby @LD o the place, !ith all his pedagogues, ushers, and schoolboys, !hom he magisterially logged, as they used to !hip children in our country ormerly !hen some criminal !as hanged, that they might remember it. This displeased Pantagruel, !ho said to them, Gentlemen, i you do not lea"e o !hipping these poor children, 5 am gone. The people !ere amaHed, hearing his stentorian "oiceE and 5 sa! a little hump !ith long ingers say to the hypodidascal, ;hat, in the name o !onderL do all those that see the pope gro! as tall as yon huge ello! that threatens usK *hL ho! 5 shall think time long till 5 ha"e seen him too, that 5 may gro! and look as big. 5n short, the acclamations !ere so great that (omenas @so they called their bishopD hastened thither on an unbridled mule !ith green trappings, attended by his apposts @as they saidD and his supposts, or o icers bearing crosses, banners, standards, canopies, torches, holy$!ater pots, Nc. (e too !anted to kiss our eet @as the good Christian =al inier did to Pope ClementD, saying that one o their hypothetes, that's one o the sca"engers, scourers, and commentators o their holy decretals, had !ritten that, in the same manner as the <essiah, so long and so much e?pected by the 7e!s, at last appeared among themE so, on some happy day o God, the pope !ould come into that islandE and that, !hile they !aited or that blessed time, i any !ho had seen him at Rome or else!here chanced to come among them, they should be sure to make much o them, east them plenti ully, and treat them !ith a great deal o re"erence. (o!e"er, !e ci"illy desired to be e?cused.

Chapter /.I%5I. (o! (omenas, Bishop o Papimany, sho!ed us the 8ranopet decretals. (omenas then said to us& 'Tis enjoined us by our holy decretals to "isit churches irst and ta"erns a ter. There ore, not to decline that ine institution, let us go to churchE !e !ill a ter!ards go and east oursel"es. <an o God, >uoth Friar 7ohn, do you go be ore, !e'll ollo! you. #ou spoke in the matter properly, and like a good ChristianE 'tis long since !e sa! any such. For my part, this rejoices my mind "ery much, and 5 "erily belie"e that 5 shall ha"e the better stomach a ter it. ;ell, 'tis a happy thing to meet !ith good menL Being come near the gate o the church, !e spied a huge thick book, gilt, and co"ered all o"er !ith precious stones, as rubies, emeralds, @diamonds,D and pearls, more, or at least as "aluable as those !hich *ugustus consecrated to 7upiter Capitolinus. This book hanged in the air, being astened !ith t!o thick chains o gold to the Hoophore o the porch. ;e looked on it and admired it. *s or Pantagruel, he handled it and dandled it and turned it as he pleased, or he could reach it !ithout strainingE and he protested that !hene"er he touched it, he !as seiHed !ith a pleasant tickling at his

ingers' end, ne! li e and acti"ity in his arms, and a "iolent temptation in his mind to beat one or t!o sergeants, or such o icers, pro"ided they !ere not o the sha"eling kind. (omenas then said to us, The la! !as ormerly gi"en to the 7e!s by <oses, !ritten by God himsel . *t )elphos, be ore the portal o *pollo's temple, this sentence, G9'T(5 +1*8T'9, !as ound !ritten !ith a di"ine hand. *nd some time a ter it, 15 !as also seen, and as di"inely !ritten and transmitted rom hea"en. Cybele's image !as brought out o hea"en, into a ield called Pessinunt, in PhrygiaE so !as that o )iana to Tauris, i you !ill belie"e 1uripidesE the ori lamme, or holy standard, !as transmitted out o hea"en to the noble and most Christian kings o France, to ight against the unbelie"ers. 5n the reign o 9uma Pompilius, second :ing o the Romans, the amous copper buckler called *ncile !as seen to descend rom hea"en. *t *cropolis, near *thens, <iner"a's statue ormerly ell rom the empyreal hea"en. 5n like manner the sacred decretals !hich you see !ere !ritten !ith the hand o an angel o the cherubim kind. #ou outlandish people !ill hardly belie"e this, 5 ear. %ittle enough, o conscience, said Panurge. *nd then, continued (omenas, they !ere miraculously transmitted to us here rom the "ery hea"en o hea"ensE in the same manner as the ri"er 9ile is called )iipetes by (omer, the ather o all philosophy$$the holy decretals al!ays e?cepted. 9o!, because you ha"e seen the pope, their e"angelist and e"erlasting protector, !e !ill gi"e you lea"e to see and kiss them on the inside, i you think meet. But then you must ast three days be ore, and canonically con essE nicely and strictly mustering up and in"entoriHing your sins, great and small, so thick that one single circumstance o them may not escape youE as our holy decretals, !hich you see, direct. This !ill take up some time. <an o God, ans!ered Panurge, !e ha"e seen and descried decrees, and eke decretals enough o' conscienceE some on paper, other on parchment, ine and gay like any painted paper lantern, some on "ellum, some in manuscript, and others in printE so you need not take hal these pains to sho! us these. ;e'll take the good!ill or the deed, and thank you as much as i !e had. *y, marry, said (omenas, but you ne"er sa! these that are angelically !ritten. Those in your country are only transcripts rom oursE as !e ind it !ritten by one o our old decretaline scholiasts. For me, do not spare meE 5 do not "alue the labour, so 5 may ser"e you. )o but tell me !hether you !ill be con essed and ast only three short little days o GodK *s or shri"ing, ans!ered Panurge, there can be no great harm in'tE but this same asting, master o mine, !ill hardly do!n !ith us at this time, or !e ha"e so "ery much o"er asted oursel"es at sea that the spiders ha"e spun their cob!ebs o"er our grinders. )o but look on this good Friar 7ohn des 1ntomeures @(omenas then courteously demi$clipped him about the neckD, some moss is gro!ing in his throat or !ant o bestirring and e?ercising his chaps. (e speaks the truth, "ouched Friar 7ohnE 5 ha"e so much asted that 5'm almost gro!n hump$shouldered. Come, then, let's go into the church, said (omenasE and pray orgi"e us i or the present !e do not sing you a ine high mass. The hour o midday is past, and a ter it our sacred decretals orbid us to sing mass, 5 mean your high and la! ul mass. But 5'll say a lo! and dry one or you. 5 had rather ha"e one moistened !ith some good *njou !ine, cried PanurgeE all to, all to your lo! mass, and despatch. 'ds$bodikins, >uoth Friar 7ohn, it rets me to the guts that 5 must ha"e an empty stomach at this time o dayE or, had 5 eaten a good break ast and ed like a monk, i he should chance to sing us the Re>uiem aeternam dona eis, )omine, 5 had then brought thither bread and !ine or the traits passes @those that are gone be oreD. ;ell, patienceE pull a!ay, and sa"e tideE short and s!eet, 5 pray you, and this or a cause.

Chapter /.%. (o! (omenas sho!ed us the archetype, or representation o a pope. <ass being mumbled o"er, (omenas took a huge bundle o keys out o a trunk near the head altar, and put thirty$t!o o them into so many keyholesE put back so many springsE then !ith ourteen more mastered so many padlocks, and at last opened an iron !indo! strongly barred abo"e the said altar. This being done, in token o great mystery he co"ered himsel !ith !et sackcloth, and dra!ing a curtain o crimson satin, sho!ed us an image daubed o"er, coarsely enough, to my thinkingE then he touched it !ith a pretty long stick, and made us all kiss the part o the stick that had touched the image. * ter this he said unto us, ;hat think you o this imageK 5t is the likeness o a pope, ans!ered PantagruelE 5 kno! it by the triple cro!n, his urred amice, his rochet, and his slipper. #ou are in the right, said (omenasE it is the idea o that same good god on earth !hose coming !e de"outly a!ait, and !hom !e hope one day to see in this country. ' happy, !ished$ or, and much$e?pected dayL and happy, most happy you, !hose propitious stars ha"e so a"oured you as to let you see the li"ing and real ace o this good god on earthL by the single sight o !hose picture !e obtain ull remission o all the sins !hich !e remember that !e ha"e committed, as also a third part and eighteen >uarantaines o the sins !hich !e ha"e orgotE and indeed !e only see it on high annual holidays. This caused Pantagruel to say that it !as a !ork like those !hich )aedalus used to make, since, though it !ere de ormed and ill dra!n, ne"ertheless some di"ine energy, in point o pardons, lay hid and concealed in it. Thus, said Friar 7ohn, at +euille, the rascally beggars being one e"ening on a solemn holiday at supper in the spital, one bragged o ha"ing got si? blancs, or t!opence hal pennyE another eight liards, or t!openceE a third, se"en caroluses, or si?penceE but an old mumper made his "aunts o ha"ing got three testons, or i"e shillings. *h, but, cried his comrades, thou hast a leg o GodE as i , continued Friar 7ohn, some di"ine "irtue could lie hid in a stinking ulcerated rotten shank. Pray, said Pantagruel, !hen you are or telling us some such nauseous tale, be so kind as not to orget to pro"ide a basin, Friar 7ohnE 5'll assure you, 5 had much ado to orbear bringing up my break ast. FieL 5 !onder a man o your coat is not ashamed to use thus the sacred name o God in speaking o things so ilthy and abominableL ie, 5 say. 5 among your monking tribes such an abuse o !ords is allo!ed, 5 beseech you lea"e it there, and do not let it come out o the cloisters. Physicians, said 1pistemon, thus attribute a kind o di"inity to some diseases. 9ero also e?tolled mushrooms, and, in a Greek pro"erb, termed them di"ine ood, because !ith them he had poisoned Claudius his predecessor. But methinks, gentlemen, this same picture is not o"er$like our late popes. For 5 ha"e seen them, not !ith their pallium, amice, or rochet on, but !ith helmets on their heads, more like the top o a Persian turbanE and !hile the Christian common!ealth !as in peace, they alone !ere most uriously and cruelly making !ar. This must ha"e been then, returned (omenas, against the rebellious, heretical ProtestantsE reprobates !ho are disobedient to the holiness o this good god on earth. 'Tis not only la! ul or him to do so, but it is enjoined him by the sacred decretalsE and i any dare transgress one single iota against their commands, !hether they be emperors, kings, dukes, princes, or common!ealths, he is immediately to pursue them !ith ire and s!ord, strip

them o all their goods, take their kingdoms rom them, proscribe them, anathematiHe them, and destroy not only their bodies, those o their children, relations, and others, but damn also their souls to the "ery bottom o the most hot and burning cauldron in hell. (ere, in the de"il's name, said Panurge, the people are no hereticsE such as !as our Raminagrobis, and as they are in Germany and 1ngland. #ou are Christians o the best edition, all picked and culled, or aught 5 see. *y, marry are !e, returned (omenas, and or that reason !e shall all be sa"ed. 9o! let us go and bless oursel"es !ith holy !ater, and then to dinner.

Chapter /.%5. Table$talk in praise o the decretals. 9o!, topers, pray obser"e that !hile (omenas !as saying his dry mass, three collectors, or licensed beggars o the church, each o them !ith a large basin, !ent round among the people, !ith a loud "oice& Pray remember the blessed men !ho ha"e seen his ace. *s !e came out o the temple they brought their basins brim ul o Papimany chink to (omenas, !ho told us that it !as plenti ully to east !ithE and that, o this contribution and "oluntary ta?, one part should be laid out in good drinking, another in good eating, and the remainder in both, according to an admirable e?position hidden in a corner o their holy decretalsE !hich !as per ormed to a T, and that at a noted ta"ern not much unlike that o ;ill's at *miens. Belie"e me, !e tickled it o there !ith copious cramming and numerous s!illing. 5 made t!o notable obser"ations at that dinner& the one, that there !as not one dish ser"ed up, !hether o cabrittas, capons, hogs @o !hich latter there is great plenty in PapimanyD, pigeons, coneys, le"erets, turkeys, or others, !ithout abundance o magistral stu E the other, that e"ery course, and the ruit also, !ere ser"ed up by unmarried emales o the place, tight lasses, 5'll assure you, !aggish, air, good$conditioned, and comely, spruce, and it or business. They !ere all clad in ine long !hite albs, !ith t!o girtsE their hair inter!o"en !ith narro! tape and purple ribbon, stuck !ith roses, gilly lo!ers, marjoram, da ado!ndillies, thyme, and other s!eet lo!ers. *t e"ery cadence they in"ited us to drink and bang it about, dropping us neat and genteel courtesiesE nor !as the sight o them un!elcome to all the companyE and as or Friar 7ohn, he leered on them side!ays, like a cur that steals a capon. ;hen the irst course !as taken o , the emales melodiously sung us an epode in the praise o the sacrosanct decretalsE and then the second course being ser"ed up, (omenas, joy ul and cheery, said to one o the she$butlers, %ight here, Clerica. 5mmediately one o the girls brought him a tall$boy brim ul o e?tra"agant !ine. (e took ast hold o it, and etching a deep sigh, said to Pantagruel, <y lord, and you, my good riends, here's t'ye, !ith all my heartE you are all "ery !elcome. ;hen he had tipped that o , and gi"en the tall$boy to the pretty creature, he li ted up his "oice and said, ' most holy decretals, ho! good is good !ine ound through your meansL This is the best jest !e ha"e had yet, obser"ed Panurge. But it !ould still be a better, said Pantagruel, i they could turn bad !ine into good. ' seraphic +e?tumL continued (omenas, ho! necessary are you not to the

sal"ation o poor mortalsL ' cherubic ClementinaeL ho! per ectly the per ect institution o a true Christian is contained and described in youL ' angelical 1?tra"agantesL ho! many poor souls that !ander up and do!n in mortal bodies through this "ale o misery !ould perish !ere it not or youL ;hen, ahL !hen shall this special gi t o grace be besto!ed on mankind, as to lay aside all other studies and concerns, to use you, to peruse you, to understand you, to kno! you by heart, to practise you, to incorporate you, to turn you into blood, and incentre you into the deepest "entricles o their brains, the inmost marro! o their bones, and most intricate labyrinth o their arteriesK Then, ahL then, and no sooner than then, nor other!ise than thus, shall the !orld be happyL ;hile the old man !as thus running on, 1pistemon rose and so tly said to Panurge& For !ant o a close$stool, 5 must e"en lea"e you or a moment or t!oE this stu has unbunged the ori ice o my mustard$barrelE but 5'll not tarry long. Then, ahL then, continued (omenas, no hail, rost, ice, sno!, o"er lo!ing, or "is majorE then plenty o all earthly goods here belo!. Then uninterrupted and eternal peace through the uni"erse, an end o all !ars, plunderings, drudgeries, robbing, assassinates, unless it be to destroy these cursed rebels the heretics. 'hL then, rejoicing, cheer ulness, jollity, solace, sports, and delicious pleasures, o"er the ace o the earth. 'hL !hat great learning, inestimable erudition, and god$like precepts are knit, linked, ri"etted, and mortised in the di"ine chapters o these eternal decretalsL 'hL ho! !onder ully, i you read but one demi$canon, short paragraph, or single obser"ation o these sacrosanct decretals, ho! !onder ully, 5 say, do you not percei"e to kindle in your hearts a urnace o di"ine lo"e, charity to!ards your neighbour @pro"ided he be no hereticD, bold contempt o all casual and sublunary things, irm content in all your a ections, and ecstatic ele"ation o soul e"en to the third hea"en.

Chapter /.%55. * continuation o the miracles caused by the decretals. ;isely, brother Timothy, >uoth Panurge, did am, did amE he says ble!E but, or my part, 5 belie"e as little o it as 5 can. For one day by chance 5 happened to read a chapter o them at Poictiers, at the most decretalipotent +cotch doctor's, and old 9ick turn me into bum odder, i this did not make me so hide$bound and costi"e, that or our or i"e days 5 hardly scumbered one poor butt o sir$re"erenceE and that, too, !as ull as dry and hard, 5 protest, as Catullus tells us !ere those o his neighbour Furius& 9ec toto decies cacas in anno, *t>ue id durius est aba, et lapillis& Juod tu si manibus teras, rices>ue, 9on un>uam digitum in>uinare posses. 'h, hoL cried (omenasE by'r lady, it may be you !ere then in the state o mortal sin, my riend. ;ell turned, cried PanurgeE this !as a ne! strain, egad. 'ne day, said Friar 7ohn, at +euille, 5 had applied to my posteriors, by

!ay o hind$to!el, a lea o an old Clementinae !hich our rent$gatherer, 7ohn Guimard, had thro!n out into the green o our cloister. 9o! the de"il broil me like a black pudding, i 5 !asn't so abominably plagued !ith chaps, cha!ns, and piles at the undament, that the ori ice o my poor nockandroe !as in a most !oe ul pickle or 5 don't kno! ho! long. By'r our lady, cried (omenas, it !as a plain punishment o God or the sin that you had committed in beraying that sacred book, !hich you ought rather to ha"e kissed and adoredE 5 say !ith an adoration o latria, or o hyperdulia at least. The Panormitan ne"er told a lie in the matter. +aith Ponocrates& *t <ontpelier, 7ohn Chouart ha"ing bought o the monks o +t. 'lary a delicate set o decretals, !ritten on ine large parchment o %amballe, to beat gold bet!een the lea"es, not so much as a piece that !as beaten in them came to good, but all !ere dilacerated and spoiled. <ark thisL cried (omenasE 't!as a di"ine punishment and "engeance. *t <ans, said 1udemon, Francis Cornu, apothecary, had turned an old set o 1?tra"agantes into !aste paper. <ay 5 ne"er stir, i !hate"er !as lapped up in them !as not immediately corrupted, rotten, and spoiledE incense, pepper, clo"es, cinnamon, sa ron, !a?, cassia, rhubarb, tamarinds, all drugs and spices, !ere lost !ithout e?ception. <ark, mark, >uoth (omenas, an e ect o di"ine justiceL This comes o putting the sacred +criptures to such pro ane uses. *t Paris, said Carpalin, +nip Groignet the tailor had turned an old Clementinae into patterns and measures, and all the clothes that !ere cut on them !ere utterly spoiled and lostE go!ns, hoods, cloaks, cassocks, jerkins, jackets, !aistcoats, capes, doublets, petticoats, corps de robes, arthingales, and so orth. +nip, thinking to cut a hood, !ould cut you out a codpieceE instead o a cassock he !ould make you a high$cro!ned hatE or a !aistcoat he'd shape you out a rochetE on the pattern o a doublet he'd make you a thing like a rying$pan. Then his journeymen ha"ing stitched it up did jag it and pink it at the bottom, and so it looked like a pan to ry chestnuts. 5nstead o a cape he made a buskinE or a arthingale he shaped a montero capE and thinking to make a cloak, he'd cut out a pair o your big out$strouting +!iss breeches, !ith panes like the outside o a tabor. 5nsomuch that +nip !as condemned to make good the stu s to all his customersE and to this day poor Cabbage's hair gro!s through his hood and his arse through his pocket$holes. <ark, an e ect o hea"enly !rath and "engeanceL cried (omenas. *t Cahusac, said Gymnast, a match being made by the lords o 1stissac and =iscount %ausun to shoot at a mark, Perotou had taken to pieces a set o decretals and set one o the lea"es or the !hite to shoot at. 9o! 5 sell, nay, 5 gi"e and be>ueath or e"er and aye, the mould o my doublet to i teen hundred hampers ull o black de"ils, i e"er any archer in the country @though they are singular marksmen in GuienneD could hit the !hite. 9ot the least bit o the holy scribble !as contaminated or touchedE nay, and +ansornin the elder, !ho held stakes, s!ore to us, igues dioures, hard igs @his greatest oathD, that he had openly, "isibly, and mani estly seen the bolt o Car>uelin mo"ing right to the round circle in the middle o the !hiteE and that just on the point, !hen it !as going to hit and enter, it had gone aside abo"e se"en oot and our inches !ide o it to!ards the bakehouse. <iracleL cried (omenas, miracleL miracleL Clerica, come !ench, light, light here. (ere's to you all, gentlemenE 5 "o! you seem to me "ery sound

Christians. ;hile he said this, the maidens began to snicker at his elbo!, grinning, giggling, and t!ittering among themsel"es. Friar 7ohn began to pa!, neigh, and !hinny at the snout's end, as one ready to leap, or at least to play the ass, and get up and ride tanti"y to the de"il like a beggar on horseback. <ethinks, said Pantagruel, a man might ha"e been more out o danger near the !hite o !hich Gymnast spoke than !as ormerly )iogenes near another. (o! is thatK asked (omenasE !hat !as itK ;as he one o our decretalistsK Rarely allen in again, egad, said 1pistemon, returning rom stoolE 5 see he !ill hook his decretals in, though by the head and shoulders. )iogenes, said Pantagruel, one day or pastime !ent to see some archers that shot at butts, one o !hom !as so unskil ul, that !hen it !as his turn to shoot all the bystanders !ent aside, lest he should mistake them or the mark. )iogenes had seen him shoot e?tremely !ide o itE so !hen the other !as taking aim a second time, and the people remo"ed at a great distance to the right and le t o the !hite, he placed himsel close by the mark, holding that place to be the sa est, and that so bad an archer !ould certainly rather hit any other. 'ne o the %ord d'1stissac's pages at last ound out the charm, pursued Gymnast, and by his ad"ice Perotou put in another !hite made up o some papers o Pouillac's la!suit, and then e"eryone shot cle"erly. *t %anderousse, said RhiHotome, at 7ohn )eli 's !edding !ere "ery great doings, as 't!as then the custom o the country. * ter supper se"eral arces, interludes, and comical scenes !ere actedE they had also se"eral morris$dancers !ith bells and tabors, and di"ers sorts o masks and mummers !ere let in. <y school ello!s and 5, to grace the esti"al to the best o our po!er @ or ine !hite and purple li"eries had been gi"en to all o us in the morningD, contri"ed a merry mask !ith store o cockle$shells, shells o snails, peri!inkles, and such other. Then or !ant o cuckoo$pint, or priest$pintle, lousebur, clote, and paper, !e made oursel"es alse aces !ith the lea"es o an old +e?tum that had been thro!n by and lay there or anyone that !ould take it up, cutting out holes or the eyes, nose, and mouth. 9o!, did you e"er hear the like since you !ere bornK ;hen !e had played our little boyish antic tricks, and came to take o our sham aces, !e appeared more hideous and ugly than the little de"ils that acted the Passion at )ouayE or our aces !ere utterly spoiled at the places !hich had been touched by those lea"es. 'ne had there the small$po?E another, God's token, or the plague$spotE a third, the crinckumsE a ourth, the measlesE a i th, botches, pushes, and carbunclesE in short, he came o the least hurt !ho only lost his teeth by the bargain. <iracleL ba!led out (omenas, miracleL (old, holdL cried RhiHotomeE it is not yet time to clap. <y sister :ate and my sister Ren had put the crepines o their hoods, their ru les, snu ekins, and neck$ru s ne! !ashed, starched, and ironed, into that "ery book o decretalsE or, you must kno!, it !as co"ered !ith thick boards and had strong clasps. 9o!, by the "irtue o God$$(old, interrupted (omenas, !hat god do you meanK There is but one, ans!ered RhiHotome. 5n hea"en, 5 grant, replied (omenasE but !e ha"e another here on earth, do you seeK *y, marry ha"e !e, said RhiHotomeE but on my soul 5 protest 5 had >uite orgot it. ;ell then, by the "irtue o god the pope, their pinners, neck$ru s, bib, coi s, and other linen turned as black as a charcoal$man's sack. <iracleL cried (omenas. (ere, Clerica, light me hereE and prithee, girl,

obser"e these rare stories. (o! comes it to pass then, asked Friar 7ohn, that people say, 1"er since decrees had tails, *nd gendarmes lugged hea"y mails, +ince each monk !ould ha"e a horse, *ll !ent here rom bad to !orse. 5 understand you, ans!ered (omenasE this is one o the >uirks and little satires o the ne!$ angled heretics.

Chapter /.%555. (o! by the "irtue o the decretals, gold is subtilely dra!n out o France to Rome. 5 !ould, said 1pistemon, it had cost me a pint o the best tripe that e"er can enter into gut, so !e had but compared !ith the original the dread ul chapters, 1?ecrabilis, )e multa, +i pluresE )e annatis per totumE 9isi essentE Cum ad monasteriumE Juod delectioE <andatumE and certain others, that dra! e"ery year out o France to Rome our hundred thousand ducats and more. )o you make nothing o thisK asked (omenas. Though, methinks, a ter all, it is but little, i !e consider that France, the most Christian, is the only nurse the see o Rome has. (o!e"er, ind me in the !hole !orld a book, !hether o philosophy, physic, la!, mathematics, or other humane learning, nay, e"en, by my God, o the (oly +cripture itsel , !ill dra! as much money thenceK 9one, none, psha, tush, blurt, pishE none can. #ou may look till your eyes drop out o your head, nay, till doomsday in the a ternoon, be ore you can ind another o that energyE 5'll pass my !ord or that. #et these de"ilish heretics re use to learn and kno! it. Burn 'em, tear 'em, nip 'em !ith hot pincers, dro!n 'em, hang 'em, spit 'em at the bunghole, pelt 'em, paut 'em, bruise 'em, beat 'em, cripple 'em, dismember 'em, cut 'em, gut 'em, bo!el 'em, paunch 'em, thrash 'em, slash 'em, gash 'em, chop 'em, slice 'em, slit 'em, car"e 'em, sa! 'em, beth!ack 'em, pare 'em, hack 'em, he! 'em, mince 'em, lay 'em, boil 'em, broil 'em, roast 'em, toast 'em, bake 'em, ry 'em, cruci y 'em, crush 'em, s>ueeHe 'em, grind 'em, batter 'em, burst 'em, >uarter 'em, unlimb 'em, behump 'em, bethump 'em, belam 'em, belabour 'em, pepper 'em, spitchcock 'em, and carbonade 'em on gridirons, these !icked hereticsL decretali uges, decretalicides, !orse than homicides, !orse than patricides, decretalictones o the de"il o hell. *s or you other good people, 5 must earnestly pray and beseech you to belie"e no other thing, to think on, say, undertake, or do no other thing, than !hat's contained in our sacred decretals and their corollaries, this ine +e?tum, these ine Clementinae, these ine 1?tra"agantes. ' dei ic booksL +o shall you enjoy glory, honour, e?altation, !ealth, dignities, and pre erments in this !orldE be re"ered and dreaded by all, pre erred, elected, and chosen abo"e all men. For there is not under the cope o hea"en a condition o men out o !hich

you'll ind persons itter to do and handle all things than those !ho by di"ine prescience, eternal predestination, ha"e applied themsel"es to the study o the holy decretals. ;ould you choose a !orthy emperor, a good captain, a it general in time o !ar, one that can !ell oresee all incon"eniences, a"oid all dangers, briskly and bra"ely bring his men on to a breach or attack, still be on sure grounds, al!ays o"ercome !ithout loss o his men, and kno! ho! to make a good use o his "ictoryK Take me a decretist. 9o, no, 5 mean a decretalist. (o, the oul blunder, !hispered 1pistemon. ;ould you, in time o peace, ind a man capable o !isely go"erning the state o a common!ealth, o a kingdom, o an empire, o a monarchyE su icient to maintain the clergy, nobility, senate, and commons in !ealth, riendship, unity, obedience, "irtue, and honestyK Take a decretalist. ;ould you ind a man !ho, by his e?emplary li e, elo>uence, and pious admonitions, may in a short time, !ithout e usion o human blood, con>uer the (oly %and, and bring o"er to the holy Church the misbelie"ing Turks, 7e!s, Tartars, <usco"ites, <amelukes, and +arrabonitesK Take me a decretalist. ;hat makes, in many countries, the people rebellious and depra"ed, pages saucy and mischie"ous, students sottish and duncicalK 9othing but that their go"ernors and tutors !ere not decretalists. But !hat, on your conscience, !as it, do you think, that established, con irmed, and authoriHed those ine religious orders !ith !hom you see the Christian !orld e"ery!here adorned, graced, and illustrated, as the irmament is !ith its glorious starsK The holy decretals. ;hat !as it that ounded, underpropped, and i?ed, and no! maintains, nourishes, and eeds the de"out monks and riars in con"ents, monasteries, and abbeysE so that did they not daily and mightily pray !ithout ceasing, the !orld !ould be in e"ident danger o returning to its primiti"e chaosK The sacred decretals. ;hat makes and daily increases the amous and celebrated patrimony o +t. Peter in plenty o all temporal, corporeal, and spiritual blessingsK The holy decretals. ;hat made the holy apostolic see and pope o Rome, in all times, and at this present, so dread ul in the uni"erse, that all kings, emperors, potentates, and lords, !illing, nilling, must depend upon him, hold o him, be cro!ned, con irmed, and authoriHed by him, come thither to strike sail, buckle, and all do!n be ore his holy slipper, !hose picture you ha"e seenK The mighty decretals o God. 5 !ill disco"er you a great secret. The uni"ersities o your !orld ha"e commonly a book, either open or shut, in their arms and de"icesE !hat book do you think it isK Truly, 5 do not kno!, ans!ered PantagruelE 5 ne"er read it. 5t is the decretals, said (omenas, !ithout !hich the pri"ileges o all uni"ersities !ould soon be lost. #ou must o!n that 5 ha"e taught you thisE ha, ha, ha, ha, haL (ere (omenas began to belch, to art, to unk, to laugh, to sla"er, and to s!eatE and then he ga"e his huge greasy our$cornered cap to one o the

lasses, !ho clapped it on her pretty head !ith a great deal o joy, a ter she had lo"ingly bussed it, as a sure token that she should be irst married. =i"at, cried 1pistemon, i at, bibat, pipat. ' apocalyptic secretL continued (omenasE light, light, ClericaE light here !ith double lanterns. 9o! or the ruit, "irgins. 5 !as saying, then, that gi"ing yoursel"es thus !holly to the study o the holy decretals, you !ill gain !ealth and honour in this !orld. 5 add, that in the ne?t you !ill in allibly be sa"ed in the blessed kingdom o hea"en, !hose keys are gi"en to our good god and decretaliarch. ' my good god, !hom 5 adore and ne"er sa!, by thy special grace open unto us, at the point o death at least, this most sacred treasure o our holy <other Church, !hose protector, preser"er, butler, chie $larder, administrator, and disposer thou artE and take care, 5 beseech thee, ' lord, that the precious !orks o supererogation, the goodly pardons, do not ail us in time o needE so that the de"ils may not ind an opportunity to gripe our precious souls, and the dread ul ja!s o hell may not s!allo! us. 5 !e must pass through purgatory thy !ill be done. 5t is in thy po!er to dra! us out o it !hen thou pleasest. (ere (omenas began to shed huge hot briny tears, to beat his breast, and kiss his thumbs in the shape o a cross.

Chapter /.%5=. (o! (omenas ga"e Pantagruel some bon$Christian pears. 1pistemon, Friar 7ohn, and Panurge, seeing this dole ul catastrophe, began, under the co"er o their napkins, to cry <eeo!, meeo!, meeo!E eigning to !ipe their eyes all the !hile as i they had !ept. The !enches !ere doubly diligent, and brought brimmers o Clementine !ine to e"ery one, besides store o s!eetmeatsE and thus the easting !as re"i"ed. Be ore !e arose rom table, (omenas ga"e us a great >uantity o air large pears, saying, (ere, my good riends, these are singular good pears. #ou !ill ind none such any!here else, 5 dare !arrant. 1"ery soil bears not e"erything, you kno!. 5ndia alone boasts black ebonyE the best incense is produced in +abaeaE the sphragitid earth at %emnosE so this island is the only place !here such ine pears gro!. #ou may, i you please, make seminaries !ith their pippins in your country. 5 like their taste e?tremely, said Pantagruel. 5 they !ere sliced, and put into a pan on the ire !ith !ine and sugar, 5 ancy they !ould be "ery !holesome meat or the sick, as !ell as or the healthy. Pray !hat do you call 'emK 9o other!ise than you ha"e heard, replied (omenas. ;e are a plain do!nright sort o people, as God !ould ha"e it, and call igs, igsE plums, plumsE and pears, pears. Truly, said Pantagruel, i 5 li"e to go home$$!hich 5 hope !ill be speedily, God !illing$$5'll set o and gra some in my garden in Touraine, by the banks o the %oire, and !ill call them bon$Christian or good$Christian pears, or 5 ne"er sa! better Christians than are these good Papimans. 5 !ould like him t!o to one better yet, said Friar 7ohn, !ould he but gi"e us t!o or three cartloads o yon bu?om lasses. ;hy, !hat !ould you do !ith themK cried (omenas. Juoth Friar 7ohn, 9o harm, only bleed the kind$hearted souls straight bet!een the t!o great toes !ith certain cle"er lancets o the right stampE by !hich operation good Christian children !ould be inoculated upon them, and the

breed be multiplied in our country, in !hich there are not many o"er$good, the more's the pity. 9ay, "erily, replied (omenas, !e cannot do thisE or you !ould make them tread their shoes a!ry, crack their pipkins, and spoil their shapes. #ou lo"e mutton, 5 seeE you !ill run at sheep. 5 kno! you by that same nose and hair o yours, though 5 ne"er sa! your ace be ore. *lasL alasL ho! kind you areL *nd !ould you indeed damn your precious soulK 'ur decretals orbid this. *h, 5 !ish you had them at your inger's$end. Patience, said Friar 7ohnE but, si tu non "is dare, praesta, >uaesumus. <atter o bre"iary. *s or that, 5 de y all the !orld, and 5 ear no man that !ears a head and a hood, though he !ere a crystalline, 5 mean a decretaline doctor. )inner being o"er, !e took our lea"e o the right re"erend (omenas, and o all the good people, humbly gi"ing thanksE and, to make them amends or their kind entertainment, promised them that, at our coming to Rome, !e !ould make our applications so e ectually to the pope that he !ould speedily be sure to come to "isit them in person. * ter this !e !ent o'board. Pantagruel, by an act o generosity, and as an ackno!ledgment o the sight o the pope's picture, ga"e (omenas nine pieces o double rieHed cloth o gold to be set be ore the grates o the !indo!. (e also caused the church bo? or its repairs and abric to be >uite illed !ith double cro!ns o goldE and ordered nine hundred and ourteen angels to be deli"ered to each o the lasses !ho had !aited at table, to buy them husbands !hen they could get them.

Chapter /.%=. (o! Pantagruel, being at sea, heard "arious un roHen !ords. ;hen !e !ere at sea, junketting, tippling, discoursing, and telling stories, Pantagruel rose and stood up to look outE then asked us, )o you hear nothing, gentlemenK <ethinks 5 hear some people talking in the air, yet 5 can see nobody. (arkL *ccording to his command !e listened, and !ith ull ears sucked in the air as some o you suck oysters, to ind i !e could hear some sound scattered through the skyE and to lose none o it, like the 1mperor *ntoninus some o us laid their hands hollo! ne?t to their earsE but all this !ould not do, nor could !e hear any "oice. #et Pantagruel continued to assure us he heard "arious "oices in the air, some o men, and some o !omen. *t last !e began to ancy that !e also heard something, or at least that our ears tingledE and the more !e listened, the plainer !e discerned the "oices, so as to distinguish articulate sounds. This mightily rightened us, and not !ithout causeE since !e could see nothing, yet heard such "arious sounds and "oices o men, !omen, children, horses, Nc., insomuch that Panurge cried out, Cods$belly, there is no ooling !ith the de"ilE !e are all beshit, let's ly. There is some ambuscado hereabouts. Friar 7ohn, art thou here my lo"eK 5 pray thee, stay by me, old boy. (ast thou got thy s!indging toolK +ee that it do not stick in thy scabbardE thou ne"er scourest it hal as it should be. ;e are undone. (arkL They are guns, gad judge me. %et's ly, 5 do not say !ith hands and eet, as Brutus

said at the battle o PharsaliaE 5 say, !ith sails and oars. %et's !hip it a!ay. 5 ne"er ind mysel to ha"e a bit o courage at seaE in cellars and else!here 5 ha"e more than enough. %et's ly and sa"e our bacon. 5 do not say this or any ear that 5 ha"eE or 5 dread nothing but danger, that 5 don'tE 5 al!ays say it that shouldn't. The ree archer o Baignolet said as much. %et us haHard nothing, there ore, 5 say, lest !e come o bluely. Tack about, helm a$lee, thou son o a bachelor. ;ould 5 !ere no! !ell in Juin>uenais, though 5 !ere ne"er to marry. (aste a!ay, let's make all the sail !e can. They'll be too hard or usE !e are not able to cope !ith themE they are ten to our one, 5'll !arrant you. 9ay, and they are on their dunghill, !hile !e do not kno! the country. They !ill be the death o us. ;e'll lose no honour by lying. )emosthenes saith that the man that runs a!ay may ight another day. *t least let us retreat to the lee!ard. (elm a$leeE bring the main$tack aboard, haul the bo!lines, hoist the top$gallants. ;e are all dead menE get o , in the de"il's name, get o . Pantagruel, hearing the sad outcry !hich Panurge made, said, ;ho talks o lyingK %et's irst see !ho they areE perhaps they may be riends. 5 can disco"er nobody yet, though 5 can see a hundred miles round me. But let's consider a little. 5 ha"e read that a philosopher named Petron !as o opinion that there !ere se"eral !orlds that touched each other in an e>uilateral triangleE in !hose centre, he said, !as the d!elling o truthE and that the !ords, ideas, copies, and images o all things past and to come resided thereE round !hich !as the ageE and that !ith success o time part o them used to all on mankind like rheums and milde!s, just as the de! ell on Gideon's leece, till the age !as ul illed. 5 also remember, continued he, that *ristotle a irms (omer's !ords to be lying, mo"ing, and conse>uently animated. Besides, *ntiphanes said that Plato's philosophy !as like !ords !hich, being spoken in some country during a hard !inter, are immediately congealed, roHen up, and not heardE or !hat Plato taught young lads could hardly be understood by them !hen they !ere gro!n old. 9o!, continued he, !e should philosophiHe and search !hether this be not the place !here those !ords are tha!ed. #ou !ould !onder "ery much should this be the head and lyre o 'rpheus. ;hen the Thracian !omen had torn him to pieces they thre! his head and lyre into the ri"er (ebrus, do!n !hich they loated to the 1u?ine sea as ar as the island o %esbosE the head continually uttering a dole ul song, as it !ere lamenting the death o 'rpheus, and the lyre, !ith the !ind's impulse mo"ing its strings and harmoniously accompanying the "oice. %et's see i !e cannot disco"er them hereabouts.

Chapter /.%=5. (o! among the roHen !ords Pantagruel ound some odd ones. The skipper made ans!er& Be not a raid, my lordE !e are on the con ines o the FroHen +ea, on !hich, about the beginning o last !inter, happened a great and bloody ight bet!een the *rimaspians and the 9ephelibates. Then the !ords and cries o men and !omen, the hacking, slashing, and he!ing o battle$a?es, the shocking, knocking, and jolting o armours and harnesses, the neighing o horses, and all other martial din and noise, roHe in the airE and no!, the rigour o the !inter being o"er, by the succeeding

serenity and !armth o the !eather they melt and are heard. By jingo, >uoth Panurge, the man talks some!hat like. 5 belie"e him. But couldn't !e see some o 'emK 5 think 5 ha"e read that, on the edge o the mountain on !hich <oses recei"ed the 7udaic la!, the people sa! the "oices sensibly. (ere, here, said Pantagruel, here are some that are not yet tha!ed. (e then thre! us on the deck !hole hand uls o roHen !ords, !hich seemed to us like your rough sugar$plums, o many colours, like those used in heraldryE some !ords gules @this means also jests and merry sayingsD, some "ert, some aHure, some black, some or @this means also air !ordsDE and !hen !e had some!hat !armed them bet!een our hands, they melted like sno!, and !e really heard them, but could not understand them, or it !as a barbarous gibberish. 'ne o them only, that !as pretty big, ha"ing been !armed bet!een Friar 7ohn's hands, ga"e a sound much like that o chestnuts !hen they are thro!n into the ire !ithout being irst cut, !hich made us all start. This !as the report o a ield$piece in its time, cried Friar 7ohn. Panurge prayed Pantagruel to gi"e him some moreE but Pantagruel told him that to gi"e !ords !as the part o a lo"er. +ell me some then, 5 pray you, cried Panurge. That's the part o a la!yer, returned Pantagruel. 5 !ould sooner sell you silence, though at a dearer rateE as )emosthenes ormerly sold it by the means o his argentangina, or sil"er s>uinsy. (o!e"er, he thre! three or our hand uls o them on the deckE among !hich 5 percei"ed some "ery sharp !ords, and some bloody !ords, !hich the pilot said used sometimes to go back and recoil to the place !hence they came, but it !as !ith a slit !easand. ;e also sa! some terrible !ords, and some others not "ery pleasant to the eye. ;hen they had been all melted together, !e heard a strange noise, hin, hin, hin, hin, his, tick, tock, taack, bredelinbrededack, rr, rr, rr, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, track, track, trr, trr, trr, trrr, trrrrrr, on, on, on, on, on, on, ououououon, gog, magog, and 5 do not kno! !hat other barbarous !ords, !hich the pilot said !ere the noise made by the charging s>uadrons, the shock and neighing o horses. Then !e heard some large ones go o like drums and i es, and others like clarions and trumpets. Belie"e me, !e had "ery good sport !ith them. 5 !ould ain ha"e sa"ed some merry odd !ords, and ha"e preser"ed them in oil, as ice and sno! are kept, and bet!een clean stra!. But Pantagruel !ould not let me, saying that 'tis a olly to hoard up !hat !e are ne"er like to !ant or ha"e al!ays at hand, odd, >uaint, merry, and at !ords o gules ne"er being scarce among all good and jo"ial Pantagruelists. Panurge some!hat "e?ed Friar 7ohn, and put him in the poutsE or he took him at his !ord !hile he dreamed o nothing less. This caused the riar to threaten him !ith such a piece o re"enge as !as put upon G. 7ousseaume, !ho ha"ing taken the merry Patelin at his !ord !hen he had o"erbid himsel in some cloth, !as a ter!ards airly taken by the horns like a bullock by his jo"ial chapman, !hom he took at his !ord like a man. Panurge, !ell kno!ing that threatened olks li"e long, bobbed and made mouths at him in token o derision, then cried, ;ould 5 had here the !ord o the (oly Bottle, !ithout being thus obliged to go urther in pilgrimage to her.

Chapter /.%=55. (o! Pantagruel !ent ashore at the d!elling o Gaster, the irst master o arts in the !orld. That day Pantagruel !ent ashore in an island !hich, or situation and go"ernor, may be said not to ha"e its ello!. ;hen you just come into it, you ind it rugged, craggy, and barren, unpleasant to the eye, pain ul to the eet, and almost as inaccessible as the mountain o )auphine, !hich is some!hat like a toadstool, and !as ne"er climbed as any can remember by any but )oyac, !ho had the charge o :ing Charles the 1ighth's train o artillery. This same )oyac !ith strange tools and engines gained that mountain's top, and there he ound an old ram. 5t puHHled many a !ise head to guess ho! it got thither. +ome said that some eagle or great horncoot, ha"ing carried it thither !hile it !as yet a lambkin, it had got a!ay and sa"ed itsel among the bushes. *s or us, ha"ing !ith much toil and s!eat o"ercome the di icult !ays at the entrance, !e ound the top o the mountain so ertile, health ul, and pleasant, that 5 thought 5 !as then in the true garden o 1den, or earthly paradise, about !hose situation our good theologues are in such a >uandary and keep such a pother. *s or Pantagruel, he said that here !as the seat o *rete$$that is as much as to say, "irtue$$described by (esiod. This, ho!e"er, !ith submission to better judgments. The ruler o this place !as one <aster Gaster, the irst master o arts in this !orld. For, i you belie"e that ire is the great master o arts, as Tully !rites, you "ery much !rong him and yoursel E alasL Tully ne"er belie"ed this. 'n the other side, i you ancy <ercury to be the irst in"entor o arts, as our ancient )ruids belie"ed o old, you are mightily beside the mark. The satirist's sentence, that a irms <aster Gaster to be the master o all arts, is true. ;ith him peace ully resided old goody Penia, alias Po"erty, the mother o the ninety$nine <uses, on !hom Porus, the lord o Plenty, ormerly begot %o"e, that noble child, the mediator o hea"en and earth, as Plato a irms in +ymposio. ;e !ere all obliged to pay our homage and s!ear allegiance to that mighty so"ereignE or he is imperious, se"ere, blunt, hard, uneasy, in le?ibleE you cannot make him belie"e, represent to him, or persuade him anything. (e does not hearE and as the 1gyptians said that (arpocrates, the god o silence, named +igalion in Greek, !as astome, that is, !ithout a mouth, so Gaster !as created !ithout ears, e"en like the image o 7upiter in Candia. (e only speaks by signs, but those signs are more readily obeyed by e"eryone than the statutes o senates or commands o monarchs. 9either !ill he admit the least let or delay in his summons. #ou say that !hen a lion roars all the beasts at a considerable distance round about, as ar as his roar can be heard, are seiHed !ith a shi"ering. This is !ritten, it is true, 5 ha"e seen it. 5 assure you that at <aster Gaster's command the "ery hea"ens tremble, and all the earth shakes. (is command is called, )o this or die. 9eeds must !hen the de"il dri"esE there's no gainsaying o it. The pilot !as telling us ho!, on a certain time, a ter the manner o the members that mutinied against the belly, as *esop describes it, the !hole

kingdom o the +omates !ent o into a direct action against Gaster, resol"ing to thro! o his yokeE but they soon ound their mistake, and most humbly submitted, or other!ise they had all been amished. ;hat company soe"er he is in, none dispute !ith him or precedence or superiorityE he still goes irst, though kings, emperors, or e"en the pope, !ere there. +o he held the irst place at the council o BasleE though some !ill tell you that the council !as tumultuous by the contention and ambition o many or priority. 1"eryone is busied and labours to ser"e him, and indeed, to make amends or this, he does this good to mankind, as to in"ent or them all arts, machines, trades, engines, and cra tsE he e"en instructs brutes in arts !hich are against their nature, making poets o ra"ens, jackda!s, chattering jays, parrots, and starlings, and poetesses o magpies, teaching them to utter human language, speak, and singE and all or the gut. (e reclaims and tames eagles, ger alcons, alcons gentle, sakers, lanners, gosha!ks, sparro!ha!ks, merlins, haggards, passengers, !ild rapacious birdsE so that, setting them ree in the air !hene"er he thinks it, as high and as long as he pleases, he keeps them suspended, straying, lying, ho"ering, and courting him abo"e the clouds. Then on a sudden he makes them stoop, and come do!n amain rom hea"en ne?t to the groundE and all or the gut. 1lephants, lions, rhinoceroses, bears, horses, mares, and dogs, he teaches to dance, prance, "ault, ight, s!im, hide themsel"es, etch and carry !hat he pleasesE and all or the gut. +alt and resh$!ater ish, !hales, and the monsters o the main, he brings them up rom the bottom o the deepE !ol"es he orces out o the !oods, bears out o the rocks, o?es out o their holes, and serpents out o the ground, and all or the gut. 5n short, he is so unruly, that in his rage he de"ours all men and beastsE as !as seen among the =ascons, !hen J. <etellus besieged them in the +ertorian !ars, among the +aguntines besieged by (annibalE among the 7e!s besieged by the Romans, and si? hundred moreE and all or the gut. ;hen his regent Penia takes a progress, !here"er she mo"es all senates are shut up, all statutes repealed, all orders and proclamations "ainE she kno!s, obeys, and has no la!. *ll shun her, in e"ery place choosing rather to e?pose themsel"es to ship!reck at sea, and "enture through ire, rocks, ca"es, and precipices, than be seiHed by that most dread ul tormentor.

Chapter /.%=555. (o!, at the court o the master o ingenuity, Pantagruel detested the 1ngastrimythes and the Gastrolaters. *t the court o that great master o ingenuity, Pantagruel obser"ed t!o sorts o troublesome and too o icious apparitors, !hom he "ery much detested. The irst !ere called 1ngastrimythesE the others, Gastrolaters. The irst pretended to be descended o the ancient race o 1urycles, and or this brought the authority o *ristophanes in his comedy called the ;aspsE !hence o old they !ere called 1uryclians, as Plato !rites, and

Plutarch in his book o the Cessation o 'racles. 5n the holy decrees, -A, >u. C, they are styled =entrilo>uiE and the same name is gi"en them in 5onian by (ippocrates, in his i th book o 1pid., as men !ho speak rom the belly. +ophocles calls them +ternomantes. These !ere soothsayers, enchanters, cheats, !ho gulled the mob, and seemed not to speak and gi"e ans!ers rom the mouth, but rom the belly. +uch a one, about the year o our %ord 3B3C, !as 7acoba Rodogina, an 5talian !oman o mean e?tractE rom !hose belly !e, as !ell as an in inite number o others at Ferrara and else!here, ha"e o ten heard the "oice o the e"il spirit speak, lo!, eeble, and small, indeed, but yet "ery distinct, articulate, and intelligible, !hen she !as sent or out o curiosity by the lords and princes o the Cisalpine Gaul. To remo"e all manner o doubt, and be assured that this !as not a trick, they used to ha"e her stripped stark naked, and caused her mouth and nose to be stopped. This e"il spirit !ould be called Curled$pate, or Cincinnatulo, seeming pleased !hen any called him by that name, at !hich he !as al!ays ready to ans!er. 5 any spoke to him o things past or present, he ga"e pertinent ans!ers, sometimes to the amaHement o the hearersE but i o things to come, then the de"il !as gra"elled, and used to lie as ast as a dog can trot. 9ay, sometimes he seemed to o!n his ignorance, instead o an ans!er letting out a rousing art, or muttering some !ords !ith barbarous and uncouth in le?ions, and not to be understood. *s or the Gastrolaters, they stuck close to one another in knots and gangs. +ome o them merry, !anton, and so t as so many milk$sopsE others louring, grim, dogged, demure, and crabbedE all idle, mortal oes to business, spending hal their time in sleeping and the rest in doing nothing, a rent$charge and dead unnecessary !eight on the earth, as (esiod saithE a raid, as !e judged, o o ending or lessening their paunch. 'thers !ere masked, disguised, and so oddly dressed that it !ould ha"e done you good to ha"e seen them. There's a saying, and se"eral ancient sages !rite, that the skill o nature appears !onder ul in the pleasure !hich she seems to ha"e taken in the con iguration o sea$shells, so great is their "ariety in igures, colours, streaks, and inimitable shapes. 5 protest the "ariety !e percei"ed in the dresses o the gastrolatrous co>uillons !as not less. They all o!ned Gaster or their supreme god, adored him as a god, o ered him sacri ices as to their omnipotent deity, o!ned no other god, ser"ed, lo"ed, and honoured him abo"e all things. #ou !ould ha"e thought that the holy apostle spoke o those !hen he said @Phil. chap. CD, <any !alk, o !hom 5 ha"e told you o ten, and no! tell you e"en !eeping, that they are enemies o the cross o Christ& !hose end is destruction, !hose God is their belly. Pantagruel compared them to the Cyclops Polyphemus, !hom 1uripides brings in speaking thus& 5 only sacri ice to mysel $$not to the gods$$and to this belly o mine, the greatest o all the gods.

Chapter /.%5I. ' the ridiculous statue <anduceE and ho! and !hat the Gastrolaters sacri ice to their "entripotent god.

;hile !e ed our eyes !ith the sight o the phiHHes and actions o these lounging gulligutted Gastrolaters, !e on a sudden heard the sound o a musical instrument called a bellE at !hich all o them placed themsel"es in rank and ile as or some mighty battle, e"eryone according to his o ice, degree, and seniority. 5n this order they mo"ed to!ards <aster Gaster, a ter a plump, young, lusty, gorbellied ello!, !ho on a long sta airly gilt carried a !ooden statue, grossly car"ed, and as scur"ily daubed o"er !ith paintE such a one as Plautus, 7u"enal, and Pomp. Festus describe it. *t %yons during the Carni"al it is called <aschecroute or Gna!crustE they call'd this <anduce. 5t !as a monstrous, ridiculous, hideous igure, it to right little childrenE its eyes !ere bigger than its belly, and its head larger than all the rest o its bodyE !ell mouth$clo"en ho!e"er, ha"ing a goodly pair o !ide, broad ja!s, lined !ith t!o ro!s o teeth, upper tier and under tier, !hich, by the magic o a small t!ine hid in the hollo! part o the golden sta , !ere made to clash, clatter, and rattle dread ully one against anotherE as they do at <etH !ith +t. Clement's dragon. Coming near the Gastrolaters 5 sa! they !ere ollo!ed by a great number o at !aiters and tenders, laden !ith baskets, dossers, hampers, dishes, !allets, pots, and kettles. Then, under the conduct o <anduce, and singing 5 do not kno! !hat dithyrambics, crepalocomes, and epenons, opening their baskets and pots, they o ered their god& ;hite hippocras, Fricassees, nine Cold loins o "eal, !ith dry toasts. sorts. !ith spice. ;hite bread. <onastical bre!is. OinHiberine. Bro!n bread. Gra"y soup. Beatille pies. Carbonadoes, si? (otch$pots. Bre!is. sorts. +o t bread. <arro!$bones, toast, Bra!n. (ousehold bread. and cabbage. +!eetbreads. Capirotadoes. (ashes. 1ternal drink intermi?ed. Brisk delicate !hite !ine led the "anE claret and champagne ollo!ed, cool, nay, as cold as the "ery ice, 5 say, illed and o ered in large sil"er cups. Then they o ered& Chitterlings, gar$ Chines and peas. (ams. nished !ith mus$ (og's haslets. Bra!n heads. tard. +cotch collops. Po!dered "enison, +ausages. Puddings. !ith turnips. 9eats' tongues. Cer"elats. Pickled oli"es. (ung bee . Bologna sausages. *ll this associated !ith sempiternal li>uor. Then they housed !ithin his muHHle& %egs o mutton, !ith Ribs o pork, !ith Caponets. shallots. onion sauce. Ca"iare and toast. 'lias. Roast capons, basted Fa!ns, deer. %umber pies, !ith !ith their o!n (ares, le"erets. hot sauce. dripping. Plo"ers. Partridges and young Flamingoes. (erons, and young partridges. Cygnets. herons. )!ar $herons. * rein orcement o 'li"es.

Teals. "inegar intermi?ed. Thrushes. )uckers. =enison pasties. #oung sea$ra"ens. Bitterns. %ark pies. Geese, goslings. +ho"ellers. )ormice pies. Jueests. Curle!s. Cabretto pasties. ;idgeons. ;ood$hens. Roebuck pasties. <a"ises. Coots, !ith leeks. Pigeon pies. Grouses. Fat kids. :id pasties. Turtles. +houlders o mutton, Capon pies. )oe$coneys. !ith capers. Bacon pies. (edgehogs. +irloins o bee . +oused hog's eet. +nites. Breasts o "eal. Fried pasty$crust. Then large pu s. Pheasants and phea$ Forced capons. Thistle$ inches. sant poots. Parmesan cheese. ;hore's arts. Peacocks. Red and pale hip$ Fritters. +torks. pocras. Cakes, si?teen sorts. ;oodcocks. Gold$peaches. Crisp !a ers. +nipes. *rtichokes. Juince tarts. 'rtolans. )ry and !et s!eet$ Curds and cream. Turkey cocks, hen meats, se"enty$ ;hipped cream. turkeys, and turkey eight sorts. Preser"ed mirabo$ poots. Boiled hens, and at lans. +tock$do"es, and capons marinated. 7ellies. !ood$cul"ers. Pullets, !ith eggs. ;elsh barrapyclids. Pigs, !ith !ine sauce. Chickens. <acaroons. Blackbirds, ousels, and Rabbits, and sucking Tarts, t!enty sorts. rails. rabbits. %emon cream, rasp$ <oorhens. Juails, and young berry cream, Nc. Bustards, and bustard >uails. Com its, one hundred poots. Pigeons, s>uabs, and colours. Fig$peckers. s>ueakers. Cream !a ers. #oung Guinea hens. Field ares. Cream cheese. =inegar brought up the rear to !ash the mouth, and or ear o the s>uinsyE also toasts to scour the grinders.

Chapter /.%I. ;hat the Gastrolaters sacri iced to their god on interlarded ish$days. Pantagruel did not like this pack o rascally scoundrels !ith their mani old kitchen sacri ices, and !ould ha"e been gone had not 1pistemon pre"ailed !ith him to stay and see the end o the arce. (e then asked the skipper !hat the idle lobcocks used to sacri ice to their gorbellied god on interlarded ish$days. For his irst course, said the skipper, they ga"e him& Ca"iare. tops, bishop's$cods, Red herrings. Botargoes. celery, chi"es, ram$ Pilchards. Fresh butter. pions, je!'s$ears @a *ncho"ies. Pease soup. sort o mushrooms Fry o tunny. +pinach. that sprout out o Cauli lo!ers. Fresh herrings, ull old eldersD, spara$ Beans. roed. gus, !ood$bind, +alt salmon. +alads, a hundred and a !orld o Pickled grigs.

"arieties, o cres$ ses, sodden hop$

others.

'ysters in the shell.

Then he must drink, or the de"il !ould gripe him at the throatE this, there ore, they take care to pre"ent, and nothing is !anting. ;hich being done, they gi"e him lampreys !ith hippocras sauce& Gurnards. Thornbacks. Fried oysters. +almon trouts. +lee"es. Cockles. Barbels, great and +turgeons. Pra!ns. small. +heath$ ish. +melts. Roaches. <ackerels. Rock$ ish. Cockerels. <aids. Gracious lords. <inno!s. Plaice. +!ord$ ish. +kate$ ish. +harplings. +oles. %amprels. Tunnies. <ussels. 7egs. +il"er eels. %obsters. Pickerels. Che"ins. Great pra!ns. Golden carps. Cray ish. )ace. Burbates. Pallours. Bleaks. +almons. +hrimps. Tenches. +almon$peels. Congers. 'mbres. )olphins. Porpoises. Fresh cods. Barn trouts. Bases. )ried mel!els. <iller's$thumbs. +hads. )are ish. Precks. <urenes, a sort o Fausens, and grigs. Bret$ ish. lampreys. 1el$pouts. Flounders. Graylings. Tortoises. +ea$nettles. +mys. +erpents, i.e. !ood$ <ullets. Turbots. eels. Gudgeons. Trout, not abo"e a )ories. )abs and sandings. oot long. <oor$game. (addocks. +almons. Perches. Carps. <eagers. %oaches. Pikes. +ea$breams. Crab$ ish. Bottitoes. (alibuts. +nails and !helks. Rochets. )og's tongue, or kind Frogs. +ea$bears. ool. 5 , !hen he had crammed all this do!n his guttural trapdoor, he did not immediately make the ish s!im again in his paunch, death !ould pack him o in a trice. +pecial care is taken to antidote his godship !ith "ine$tree syrup. Then is sacri iced to him haberdines, poor$jack, minglemangled, mismashed, Nc. 1ggs ried, beaten, sliced, roasted in Green$ ish. buttered, poached, the embers, tossed +ea$batts. hardened, boiled, in the chimney, Nc. Cod's sounds. broiled, ste!ed, +tock$ ish. +ea$pikes. ;hich to concoct and digest the more easily, "inegar is multiplied. For the latter part o their sacri ices they o er& Rice milk, and hasty +te!ed prunes, and Raisins. pudding. baked bullace. )ates. Buttered !heat, and Pistachios, or istic Chestnut and !al$ lummery. nuts. nuts.

;ater$gruel, and Figs. Filberts. milk$porridge. *lmond butter. Parsnips. Frumenty and bonny +kirret root. *rtichokes. clamber. ;hite$pot. Perpetuity o soaking !ith the !hole. 5t !as none o their ault, 5 !ill assure you, i this same god o theirs !as not publicly, preciously, and plenti ully ser"ed in the sacri ices, better yet than (eliogabalus's idolE nay, more than Bel and the )ragon in Babylon, under :ing BelshaHHar. #et Gaster had the manners to o!n that he !as no god, but a poor, "ile, !retched creature. *nd as :ing *ntigonus, irst o the name, !hen one (ermodotus @as poets !ill latter, especially princesD in some o his ustian dubbed him a god, and made the sun adopt him or his son, said to him& <y lasanophore @or, in plain 1nglish, my groom o the close$stoolD can gi"e thee the lieE so <aster Gaster "ery ci"illy used to send back his bigoted !orshippers to his close$stool, to see, smell, taste, philosophiHe, and e?amine !hat kind o di"inity they could pick out o his sir$re"erence.

Chapter /.%I5. (o! Gaster in"ented means to get and preser"e corn. Those gastrolatrous hobgoblins being !ithdra!n, Pantagruel care ully minded the amous master o arts, Gaster. #ou kno! that, by the institution o nature, bread has been assigned him or pro"ision and oodE and that, as an addition to this blessing, he should ne"er !ant the means to get bread. *ccordingly, rom the beginning he in"ented the smith's art, and husbandry to manure the ground, that it might yield him cornE he in"ented arms and the art o !ar to de end cornE physic and astronomy, !ith other parts o mathematics !hich might be use ul to keep corn a great number o years in sa ety rom the injuries o the air, beasts, robbers, and purloinersE he in"ented !ater, !ind, and handmills, and a thousand other engines to grind corn and to turn it into mealE lea"en to make the dough erment, and the use o salt to gi"e it a sa"ourE or he kne! that nothing bred more diseases than hea"y, unlea"ened, unsa"oury bread. (e ound a !ay to get ire to bake itE hour$glasses, dials, and clocks to mark the time o its bakingE and as some countries !anted corn, he contri"ed means to con"ey some out o one country into another. (e had the !it to pimp or asses and mares, animals o di erent species, that they might copulate or the generation o a third, !hich !e call mules, more strong and it or hard ser"ice than the other t!o. (e in"ented carts and !aggons to dra! him along !ith greater easeE and as seas and ri"ers hindered his progress, he de"ised boats, galleys, and ships @to the astonishment o the elementsD to !a t him o"er to barbarous, unkno!n, and ar distant nations, thence to bring, or thither to carry corn. Besides, seeing that !hen he had tilled the ground, some years the corn perished in it or !ant o rain in due season, in others rotted or !as dro!ned by its e?cess, sometimes spoiled by hail, eat by !orms in the ear, or beaten do!n by storms, and so his stock !as destroyed on the groundE !e !ere told that e"er since the days o yore he has ound out a !ay to

conjure the rain do!n rom hea"en only !ith cutting certain grass, common enough in the ield, yet kno!n to "ery e!, some o !hich !as then sho!n us. 5 took it to be the same as the plant, one o !hose boughs being dipped by 7o"e's priest in the *grian ountain on the %ycian mountain in *rcadia, in time o drought raised "apours !hich gathered into clouds, and then dissol"ed into rain that kindly moistened the !hole country. 'ur master o arts !as also said to ha"e ound a !ay to keep the rain up in the air, and make it to all into the seaE also to annihilate the hail, suppress the !inds, and remo"e storms as the <ethanensians o TroeHene used to do. *nd as in the ields thie"es and plunderers sometimes stole and took by orce the corn and bread !hich others had toiled to get, he in"ented the art o building to!ns, orts, and castles, to hoard and secure that sta o li e. 'n the other hand, inding none in the ields, and hearing that it !as hoarded up and secured in to!ns, orts, and castles, and !atched !ith more care than e"er !ere the golden pippins o the (esperides, he turned engineer, and ound !ays to beat, storm, and demolish orts and castles !ith machines and !arlike thunderbolts, battering$rams, ballists, and catapults, !hose shapes !ere sho!n to us, not o"er$!ell understood by our engineers, architects, and other disciples o =itru"iusE as <aster Philibert de l''rme, :ing <egistus's principal architect, has o!ned to us. *nd seeing that sometimes all these tools o destruction !ere ba led by the cunning subtlety or the subtle cunning @!hich you pleaseD o orti iers, he lately in"ented cannons, ield$pieces, cul"erins, bombards, basiliskos, murdering instruments that dart iron, leaden, and braHen balls, some o them out!eighing huge an"ils. This by the means o a most dread ul po!der, !hose hellish compound and e ect has e"en amaHed nature, and made her o!n hersel outdone by art, the '?ydracian thunders, hails, and storms by !hich the people o that name immediately destroyed their enemies in the ield being but mere potguns to these. For one o our great guns !hen used is more dread ul, more terrible, more diabolical, and maims, tears, breaks, slays, mo!s do!n, and s!eeps a!ay more men, and causes a greater consternation and destruction than a hundred thunderbolts.

Chapter /.%I55. (o! Gaster in"ented an art to a"oid being hurt or touched by cannon$balls. Gaster ha"ing secured himsel !ith his corn !ithin strongholds, has sometimes been attacked by enemiesE his ortresses, by that thrice three old cursed instrument, le"elled and destroyedE his dearly belo"ed corn and bread snatched out o his mouth and sacked by a titanic orceE there ore he then sought means to preser"e his !alls, bastions, rampiers, and sconces rom cannon$shot, and to hinder the bullets rom hitting him, stopping them in their light, or at least rom doing him or the besieged !alls any damage. (e sho!ed us a trial o this !hich has been since used by Fronton, and is no! common among the pastimes and harmless recreations o the Thelemites. 5 !ill tell you ho! he !ent to !ork, and pray or the uture be a little more ready to belie"e !hat Plutarch a irms to ha"e tried. +uppose a herd o goats !ere all scampering as i the de"il dro"e them, do but put a bit o eringo into the mouth o the hindmost nanny, and they !ill all stop stock still in the time you can tell three.

Thus Gaster, ha"ing caused a brass alcon to be charged !ith a su icient >uantity o gunpo!der !ell purged rom its sulphur, and curiously made up !ith ine camphor, he then had a suitable ball put into the piece, !ith t!enty$ our little pellets like hail$shot, some round, some pearl ashionE then taking his aim and le"elling it at a page o his, as i he !ould ha"e hit him on the breast. *bout si?ty strides o the piece, hal !ay bet!een it and the page in a right line, he hanged on a gibbet by a rope a "ery large siderite or iron$like stone, other!ise called herculean, ormerly ound on 5da in Phrygia by one <agnes, as 9icander !rites, and commonly called loadstoneE then he ga"e ire to the prime on the piece's touch$hole, !hich in an instant consuming the po!der, the ball and hail$shot !ere !ith incredible "iolence and s!i tness hurried out o the gun at its muHHle, that the air might penetrate to its chamber, !here other!ise !ould ha"e been a "acuum, !hich nature abhors so much, that this uni"ersal machine, hea"en, air, land, and sea, !ould sooner return to the primiti"e chaos than admit the least "oid any!here. 9o! the ball and small shot, !hich threatened the page !ith no less than >uick destruction, lost their impetuosity and remained suspended and ho"ering round the stoneE nor did any o them, not!ithstanding the ury !ith !hich they rushed, reach the page. <aster Gaster could do more than all this yet, i you !ill belie"e meE or he in"ented a !ay ho! to cause bullets to ly back!ards, and recoil on those that sent them !ith as great a orce, and in the "ery numerical parallel or !hich the guns !ere planted. *nd indeed, !hy should he ha"e thought this di icultK seeing the herb ethiopis opens all locks !hatsoe"er, and an echinus or remora, a silly !eakly ish, in spite o all the !inds that blo! rom the thirty$t!o points o the compass, !ill in the midst o a hurricane make you the biggest irst$rate remain stock still, as i she !ere becalmed or the blustering tribe had blo!n their last. 9ay, and !ith the lesh o that ish, preser"ed !ith salt, you may ish gold out o the deepest !ell that !as e"er sounded !ith a plummetE or it !ill certainly dra! up the precious metal, since )emocritus a irmed it. Theophrastus belie"ed and e?perienced that there !as an herb at !hose single touch an iron !edge, though ne"er so ar dri"en into a huge log o the hardest !ood that is, !ould presently come outE and it is this same herb your hick!ays, alias !oodpeckers, use, !hen !ith some mighty a?e anyone stops up the hole o their nests, !hich they industriously dig and make in the trunk o some sturdy tree. +ince stags and hinds, !hen deeply !ounded !ith darts, arro!s, and bolts, i they do but meet the herb called dittany, !hich is common in Candia, and eat a little o it, presently the sha ts come out and all is !ell againE e"en as kind =enus cured her belo"ed byblo! *eneas !hen he !as !ounded on the right thigh !ith an arro! by 7uturna, Turnus's sister. +ince the "ery !ind o laurels, ig$trees, or sea$cal"es makes the thunder sheer o insomuch that it ne"er strikes them. +ince at the sight o a ram, mad elephants reco"er their ormer senses. +ince mad bulls coming near !ild ig$trees, called capri ici, gro! tame, and !ill not budge a oot, as i they had the cramp. +ince the "enomous rage o "ipers is assuaged i you but touch them !ith a beechen bough. +ince also 1uphorion !rites that in the isle o +amos, be ore 7uno's temple !as built there, he has seen some beasts called neades, !hose "oice made the neighbouring places gape and sink into a chasm and abyss. 5n short, since elders gro! o a more pleasing sound, and itter to make lutes, in such places !here the cro!ing o cocks is not heard, as the ancient sages ha"e !rit and Theophrastus relatesE as i the cro!ing o a cock dulled, lattened, and per"erted the !ood o the elder, as it is said to astonish and stupi y !ith ear that strong and resolute animal, a lion. 5 kno! that

some ha"e understood this o !ild elder, that gro!s so ar rom to!ns or "illages that the cro!ing o cocks cannot reach near itE and doubtless that sort ought to be pre erred to the stenching common elder that gro!s about decayed and ruined placesE but others ha"e understood this in a higher sense, not literal, but allegorical, according to the method o the Pythagoreans, as !hen it !as said that <ercury's statue could not be made o e"ery sort o !oodE to !hich sentence they ga"e this sense, that God is not to be !orshipped in a "ulgar orm, but in a chosen and religious manner. 5n the same manner, by this elder !hich gro!s ar rom places !here cocks are heard, the ancients meant that the !ise and studious ought not to gi"e their minds to tri"ial or "ulgar music, but to that !hich is celestial, di"ine, angelical, more abstracted, and brought rom remoter parts, that is, rom a region !here the cro!ing o cocks is not heardE or, to denote a solitary and un re>uented place, !e say cocks are ne"er heard to cro! there.

Chapter /.%I555. (o! Pantagruel ell asleep near the island o Chaneph, and o the problems proposed to be sol"ed !hen he !aked. The ne?t day, merrily pursuing our "oyage, !e came in sight o the island o Chaneph, !here Pantagruel's ship could not arri"e, the !ind chopping about, and then ailing us so that !e !ere becalmed, and could hardly get ahead, tacking about rom starboard to larboard, and larboard to starboard, though to our sails !e added drabblers. ;ith this accident !e !ere all out o sorts, moping, drooping, metagraboliHed, as dull as dun in the mire, in C sol a ut lat, out o tune, o the hinges, and 5$don't$kno!$ho!ish, !ithout caring to speak one single syllable to each other. Pantagruel !as taking a nap, slumbering and nodding on the >uarter$deck by the cuddy, !ith an (eliodorus in his handE or still it !as his custom to sleep better by book than by heart. 1pistemon !as conjuring, !ith his astrolabe, to kno! !hat latitude !e !ere in. Friar 7ohn !as got into the cook$room, e?amining, by the ascendant o the spits and the horoscope o ragouts and ricassees, !hat time o day it might then be. Panurge @s!eet babyLD held a stalk o Pantagruelions, alias hemp, ne?t his tongue, and !ith it made pretty bubbles and bladders. Gymnast !as making tooth$pickers !ith lentisk. Ponocrates, doHing, doHed, and dreaming, dreamedE tickled himsel to make himsel laugh, and !ith one inger scratched his noddle !here it did not itch. Carpalin, !ith a nutshell and a trencher o "erne @that's a card in GasconyD, !as making a pretty little merry !indmill, cutting the card long!ays into our slips, and astening them !ith a pin to the con"e? o

the nut, and its conca"e to the tarred side o the gunnel o the ship. 1usthenes, bestriding one o the guns, !as playing on it !ith his ingers as i it had been a trump$marine. RhiHotome, !ith the so t coat o a ield tortoise, alias ycleped a mole, !as making himsel a "el"et purse. Ienomanes !as patching up an old !eather$beaten lantern !ith a ha!k's jesses. 'ur pilot @good manLD !as pulling maggots out o the seamen's noses. *t last Friar 7ohn, returning rom the orecastle, percei"ed that Pantagruel !as a!ake. Then breaking this obstinate silence, he briskly and cheer ully asked him ho! a man should kill time, and raise good !eather, during a calm at sea. Panurge, !hose belly thought his throat cut, backed the motion presently, and asked or a pill to purge melancholy. 1pistemon also came on, and asked ho! a man might be ready to bepiss himsel !ith laughing !hen he has no heart to be merry. Gymnast, arising, demanded a remedy or a dimness o eyes. Ponocrates, a ter he had a !hile rubbed his noddle and shaken his ears, asked ho! one might a"oid dog$sleep. (oldL cried Pantagruel, the Peripatetics ha"e !isely made a rule that all problems, >uestions, and doubts !hich are o ered to be sol"ed ought to be certain, clear, and intelligible. ;hat do you mean by dog$sleepK 5 mean, ans!ered Ponocrates, to sleep asting in the sun at noonday, as the dogs do. RhiHotome, !ho lay stooping on the pump, raised his dro!sy head, and laHily ya!ning, by natural sympathy set almost e"eryone in the ship a$ya!ning tooE then he asked or a remedy against oscitations and gapings. Ienomanes, hal puHHled, and tired out !ith ne!$"amping his anti>uated lantern, asked ho! the hold o the stomach might be so !ell ballasted and reighted rom the keel to the main hatch, !ith stores !ell sto!ed, that our human "essels might not heel or be !alt, but !ell trimmed and sti . Carpalin, t!irling his diminuti"e !indmill, asked ho! many motions are to be elt in nature be ore a gentleman may be said to be hungry. 1usthenes, hearing them talk, came rom bet!een decks, and rom the capstan called out to kno! !hy a man that is asting, bit by a serpent also asting, is in greater danger o death than !hen man and serpent ha"e eat their break astsE$$!hy a man's asting$spittle is poisonous to serpents and "enomous creatures. 'ne single solution may ser"e or all your problems, gentlemen, ans!ered PantagruelE and one single medicine or all such symptoms and accidents. <y ans!er shall be short, not to tire you !ith a long needless train o pedantic cant. The belly has no ears, nor is it to be illed !ith air !ordsE you shall be ans!ered to content by signs and gestures. *s ormerly at Rome, Tar>uin the Proud, its last king, sent an ans!er by signs to his

son +e?tus, !ho !as among the Gabii at Gabii. @+aying this, he pulled the string o a little bell, and Friar 7ohn hurried a!ay to the cook$room.D The son ha"ing sent his ather a messenger to kno! ho! he might bring the Gabii under a close subjection, the king, mistrusting the messenger, made him no ans!er, and only took him into his pri"y garden, and in his presence !ith his s!ord lopped o the heads o the tall poppies that !ere there. The e?press returned !ithout any other despatch, yet ha"ing related to the prince !hat he had seen his ather do, he easily understood that by those signs he ad"ised him to cut o the heads o the chie men in the to!n, the better to keep under the rest o the people.

Chapter /.%I5=. (o! Pantagruel ga"e no ans!er to the problems. Pantagruel then asked !hat sort o people d!elt in that damned island. They are, ans!ered Ienomanes, all hypocrites, holy mountebanks, tumblers o beads, mumblers o a"e$marias, spiritual comedians, sham saints, hermits, all o them poor rogues !ho, like the hermit o %ormont bet!een Blaye and Bordeau?, li"e !holly on alms gi"en them by passengers. Catch me there i you can, cried PanurgeE may the de"il's head$cook conjure my bumgut into a pair o bello!s i e"er you ind me among themL (ermits, sham saints, li"ing orms o morti ication, holy mountebanks, a"auntL in the name o your ather +atan, get out o my sightL ;hen the de"il's a hog, you shall eat bacon. 5 shall not orget yet a!hile our at Concilipetes o Chesil. ' that BeelHebub and *staroth had counselled them to hang themsel"es out o the !ay, and they had done'tL !e had not then su ered so much by de"ilish storms as !e did or ha"ing seen 'em. (ark ye me, dear rogue, Ienomanes, my riend, 5 prithee are these hermits, hypocrites, and ea"esdroppers maids or marriedK 5s there anything o the eminine gender among themK Could a body hypocritically take there a small hypocritical touchK ;ill they lie back!ards, and let out their ore$roomsK There's a ine >uestion to be asked, cried Pantagruel. #es, yes, ans!ered IenomanesE you may ind there many goodly hypocritesses, jolly spiritual actresses, kind hermitesses, !omen that ha"e a plaguy deal o religionE then there's the copies o 'em, little hypocritillons, sham sanctitos, and hermitillons. FohL a!ay !ith them, cried Friar 7ohnE a young saint, an old de"ilL @<ark this, an old saying, and as true a one as, a young !hore, an old saint.D ;ere there not such, continued Ienomanes, the isle o Chaneph, or !ant o a multiplication o progeny, had long ere this been desert and desolate. Pantagruel sent them by Gymnast in the pinnace se"enty$eight thousand ine pretty little gold hal $cro!ns, o those that are marked !ith a lantern. * ter this he asked, ;hat's o'clockK Past nine, ans!ered 1pistemon. 5t is then the best time to go to dinner, said PantagruelE or the sacred line so celebrated by *ristophanes in his play called Concionatrices is at hand, ne"er ailing !hen the shado! is decempedal. Formerly, among the Persians, dinner$time !as at a set hour only or kingsE as or all others, their appetite and their belly !as their clockE !hen that chimed, they thought it time to go to dinner. +o !e ind in Plautus a certain parasite making a hea"y do, and sadly railing at the in"entors o hour$glasses and dials as being unnecessary things, there being no clock more regular than the belly.

)iogenes being asked at !hat times a man ought to eat, ans!ered, The rich !hen he is hungry, the poor !hen he has anything to eat. Physicians more properly say that the canonical hours are, To rise at i"e, to dine at nine, To sup at i"e, to sleep at nine. The amous king Petosiris's magic !as di erent,$$(ere the o icers or the gut came in, and got ready the tables and cupboardsE laid the cloth, !hose sight and pleasant smell !ere "ery com ortableE and brought plates, napkins, salts, tankards, lagons, tall$boys, e!ers, tumblers, cups, goblets, basins, and cisterns. Friar 7ohn, at the head o the ste!ards, se!ers, yeomen o the pantry, and o the mouth, tasters, car"ers, cupbearers, and cupboard$keepers, brought our stately pasties, so huge that they put me in mind o the our bastions at Turin. 'ds$ ish, ho! man ully did they storm themL ;hat ha"oc did they make !ith the long train o dishes that came a ter themL (o! bra"ely did they stand to their pan$puddings, and paid o their dustL (o! merrily did they soak their nosesL The ruit !as not yet brought in, !hen a resh gale at !est and by north began to ill the main$course, miHen$sail, ore$sail, tops, and top$gallantsE or !hich blessing they all sung di"ers hymns o thanks and praise. ;hen the ruit !as on the table, Pantagruel asked, 9o! tell me, gentlemen, are your doubts ully resol"ed or noK 5 gape and ya!n no more, ans!ered RhiHotome. 5 sleep no longer like a dog, said Ponocrates. 5 ha"e cleared my eyesight, said Gymnast. 5 ha"e broke my ast, said 1usthenesE so that or this !hole day 5 shall be secure rom the danger o my spittle. *sps. Black !ag leg$ lies. )omeses. *mphisbenes. +panish lies. )ryinades. *nerudutes. Catoblepes. )ragons. *bedissimons. (orned snakes. 1lopes. *lhartra H. Caterpillars. 1nhydrides. *mmobates. Crocodiles. Fal"ises. *pimaos. Toads. Galeotes. *lhatrabans. 9ightmares. (armenes. *ractes. <ad dogs. (andons. *sterions. Colotes. 5cles. *lcharates. Cychriodes. 7arraries. *rges. Ca eHates. 5licines. +piders. Cauhares. Pharaoh's mice. +tarry liHards. +nakes. :esudures. *ttelabes. Cuhersks, t!o$ +ea$hares. *scalabotes. tongued adders. Chalcidic ne!ts. (aemorrhoids. *mphibious ser$ Footed serpents. Basilisks. pents. <anticores. Fitches. Cenchres. <olures. +ucking !ater$ Cockatrices. <ouse$serpents. snakes. )ipsades. +hre!$mice. <iliares. +alamanders. +tink ish. <egalaunes. +lo!!orms. +tuphes. +pitting$asps. +tellions. +abrins. Porphyri. +corpenes. Blood$sucking lies.

Pareades. +corpions. Phalanges. (orn!orms. Penphredons. +cala"otins. Pinetree$!orms. +olo uidars. Ruteles. )ea $asps. ;orms. (orseleeches. Rhagions. +alt$haters. Rhaganes. Rot$serpents.

(orn retters. +colopendres. Tarantulas. Blind !orms. Tetragnathias. Teristales. =ipers, Nc.

Chapter /.%I=. (o! Pantagruel passed the time !ith his ser"ants. 5n !hat hierarchy o such "enomous creatures do you place Panurge's uture spouseK asked Friar 7ohn. *rt thou speaking ill o !omen, cried Panurge, thou mangy scoundrel, thou sorry, noddy$peaked sha"eling monkK By the cenomanic paunch and gi?y, said 1pistemon, 1uripides has !ritten, and makes *ndromache say it, that by industry, and the help o the gods, men had ound remedies against all poisonous creaturesE but none !as yet ound against a bad !i e. This launting 1uripides, cried Panurge, !as gabbling against !omen e"ery oot, and there ore !as de"oured by dogs, as a judgment rom abo"eE as *ristophanes obser"es. %et's go on. %et him speak that is ne?t. 5 can leak no! like any stone$horse, said then 1pistemon. 5 am, said Ienomanes, ull as an egg and round as a hoopE my ship's hold can hold no more, and !ill no! make shi t to bear a steady sail. +aid Carpalin, * truce !ith thirst, a truce !ith hungerE they are strong, but !ine and meat are stronger. 5'm no more in the dumps cried PanurgeE my heart's a pound lighter. 5'm in the right cue no!, as brisk as a body$louse, and as merry as a beggar. For my part, 5 kno! !hat 5 do !hen 5 drinkE and it is a true thing @though 'tis in your 1uripidesD that is said by that jolly toper +ilenus o blessed memory, that$$ The man's emphatically mad, ;ho drinks the best, yet can be sad. ;e must not ail to return our humble and hearty thanks to the Being !ho, !ith this good bread, this cool delicious !ine, these good meats and rare dainties, remo"es rom our bodies and minds these pains and perturbations, and at the same time ills us !ith pleasure and !ith ood. But methinks, sir, you did not gi"e an ans!er to Friar 7ohn's >uestionE !hich, as 5 take it, !as ho! to raise good !eather. +ince you ask no more than this easy >uestion, ans!ered Pantagruel, 5'll stri"e to gi"e you satis actionE and some other time !e'll talk o the rest o the problems, i you !ill. ;ell then, Friar 7ohn asked ho! good !eather might be raised. (a"e !e not raised itK %ook up and see our ull topsails. (ark ho! the !ind !histles through the shrouds, !hat a sti gale it blo!s. 'bser"e the rattling o the tacklings, and see the sheets that asten the mainsail behindE the orce o the !ind puts them upon the stretch. ;hile !e passed our time merrily, the dull !eather also passed a!ayE and !hile !e raised the glasses to our mouths, !e also raised the !ind by a secret sympathy in nature.

Thus *tlas and (ercules clubbed to raise and underprop the alling sky, i you'll belie"e the !ise mythologists, but they raised it some hal an inch too high, *tlas to entertain his guest (ercules more pleasantly, and (ercules to make himsel amends or the thirst !hich some time be ore had tormented him in the deserts o * rica. #our good ather, said Friar 7ohn, interrupting him, takes care to ree many people rom such an incon"eniencyE or 5 ha"e been told by many "enerable doctors that his chie $butler, Turelupin, sa"es abo"e eighteen hundred pipes o !ine yearly to make ser"ants, and all comers and goers, drink be ore they are a$dry. *s the camels and dromedaries o a cara"an, continued Pantagruel, use to drink or the thirst that's past, or the present, and or that to come, so did (erculesE and being thus e?cessi"ely raised, this ga"e ne! motion to the sky, !hich is that o titubation and trepidation, about !hich our crackbrained astrologers make such a pother. This, said Panurge, makes the saying good& ;hile jolly companions carouse it together, * ig or the storm, it gi"es !ay to good !eather. 9ay, continued Pantagruel, some !ill tell you that !e ha"e not only shortened the time o the calm, but also much disburthened the shipE not like *esop's basket, by easing it o the pro"ision, but by breaking our astsE and that a man is more terrestrial and hea"y !hen asting than !hen he has eaten and drank, e"en as they pretend that he !eighs more dead than li"ing. (o!e"er it is, you !ill grant they are in the right !ho take their morning's draught and break ast be ore a long journeyE then say that the horses !ill per orm the better, and that a spur in the head is !orth t!o in the lankE or, in the same horse dialect$$ That a cup in the pate 5s a mile in the gate. )on't you kno! that ormerly the *mycleans !orshipped the noble Bacchus abo"e all other gods, and ga"e him the name o Psila, !hich in the )oric dialect signi ies !ingsE or, as the birds raise themsel"es by a to!ering light !ith their !ings abo"e the clouds, so, !ith the help o soaring Bacchus, the po!er ul juice o the grape, our spirits are e?alted to a pitch abo"e themsel"es, our bodies are more sprightly, and their earthly parts become so t and pliant.

Chapter /.%I=5. (o!, by Pantagruel's order, the <uses !ere saluted near the isle o Ganabim. This air !ind and as ine talk brought us in sight o a high land, !hich Pantagruel disco"ering a ar o , sho!ed it Ienomanes, and asked him, )o you see yonder to the lee!ard a high rock !ith t!o tops, much like <ount Parnassus in PhocisK 5 do plainly, ans!ered IenomanesE 'tis the isle o Ganabim. (a"e you a mind to go ashore thereK 9o, returned Pantagruel. #ou do !ell, indeed, said IenomanesE or there is nothing !orth seeing in the place. The people are all thie"esE yet there is the inest ountain in the !orld, and a "ery large orest to!ards the right top o the mountain. #our leet may take in !ood and !ater there.

(e that spoke last, spoke !ell, >uoth PanurgeE let us not by any means be so mad as to go among a parcel o thie"es and sharpers. #ou may take my !ord or't, this place is just such another as, to my kno!ledge, ormerly !ere the islands o +ark and (erm, bet!een the smaller and the greater BritainE such as !as the Poneropolis o Philip in ThraceE islands o thie"es, banditti, picaroons, robbers, ru ians, and murderers, !orse than ra!$head and bloody$bones, and ull as honest as the senior ello!s o the college o ini>uity, the "ery outcasts o the county gaol's common$side. *s you lo"e yoursel , do not go among 'em. 5 you go you'll come o but bluely, i you come o at all. 5 you !ill not belie"e me, at least belie"e !hat the good and !ise Ienomanes tells youE or may 5 ne"er stir i they are not !orse than the "ery cannibalsE they !ould certainly eat us ali"e. )o not go among 'em, 5 pray youE it !ere sa er to take a journey to hell. (arkL by Cod's body, 5 hear 'em ringing the alarm$bell most dread ully, as the Gascons about Bordeau? used ormerly to do against the commissaries and o icers or the ta? on salt, or my ears tingle. %et's sheer o . Belie"e me, sir, said Friar 7ohn, let's rather landE !e !ill rid the !orld o that "ermin, and inn there or nothing. 'ld 9ick go !ith thee or me, >uoth Panurge. This rash hairbrained de"il o a riar ears nothing, but "entures and runs on like a mad de"il as he is, and cares not a rush !hat becomes o othersE as i e"eryone !as a monk, like his riarship. * po? on grinning honour, say 5. Go to, returned the riar, thou mangy noddy$peakL thou orlorn druggle$headed sneaksbyL and may a million o black de"ils anatomiHe thy cockle brain. The hen$hearted rascal is so co!ardly that he berays himsel or ear e"ery day. 5 thou art so a raid, dunghill, do not goE stay here and be hangedE or go and hide thy loggerhead under <adam Proserpine's petticoat. Panurge hearing this, his breech began to make buttonsE so he slunk in in an instant, and !ent to hide his head do!n in the bread$room among the musty biscuits and the orts and scraps o broken bread. Pantagruel in the meantime said to the rest& 5 eel a pressing retraction in my soul, !hich like a "oice admonishes me not to land there. ;hene"er 5 ha"e elt such a motion !ithin me 5 ha"e ound mysel happy in a"oiding !hat it directed me to shun, or in undertaking !hat it prompted me to doE and 5 ne"er had occasion to repent ollo!ing its dictates. *s much, said 1pistemon, is related o the daemon o +ocrates, so celebrated among the *cademics. ;ell then, sir, said Friar 7ohn, !hile the ship's cre! !ater ha"e you a mind to ha"e good sportK Panurge is got do!n some!here in the hold, !here he is crept into some corner, and lurks like a mouse in a cranny. %et 'em gi"e the !ord or the gunner to ire yon gun o"er the round$house on the poopE this !ill ser"e to salute the <uses o this *nti$parnassusE besides, the po!der does but decay in it. #ou are in the right, said PantagruelE here, gi"e the !ord or the gunner. The gunner immediately came, and !as ordered by Pantagruel to ire that gun, and then charge it !ith resh po!der, !hich !as soon done. The gunners o the other ships, rigates, galleons, and galleys o the leet, hearing us ire, ga"e e"ery one a gun to the islandE !hich made such a horrid noise that you !ould ha"e s!orn hea"en had been tumbling about our ears.

Chapter /.%I=55. (o! Panurge berayed himsel or earE and o the huge cat Rodilardus, !hich he took or a puny de"il. Panurge, like a !ild, addle$pated, giddy$goat, sallies out o the bread$room in his shirt, !ith nothing else about him but one o his stockings, hal on, hal o , about his heel, like a rough$ ooted pigeonE his hair and beard all bepo!dered !ith crumbs o bread in !hich he had been o"er head and ears, and a huge and mighty puss partly !rapped up in his other stocking. 5n this e>uipage, his chaps mo"ing like a monkey's !ho's a$louse$hunting, his eyes staring like a dead pig's, his teeth chattering, and his bum >ui"ering, the poor dog led to Friar 7ohn, !ho !as then sitting by the chain$!ales o the starboard side o the ship, and prayed him heartily to take pity on him and keep him in the sa eguard o his trusty bilboE s!earing, by his share o Papimany, that he had seen all hell broke loose. ;oe is me, my 7acky, cried he, my dear 7ohnny, my old crony, my brother, my ghostly atherL all the de"ils keep holiday, all the de"ils keep their east to$day, man. Pork and peas choke me i e"er thou sa!est such preparations in thy li e or an in ernal east. )ost thou see the smoke o hell's kitchensK @This he said, sho!ing him the smoke o the gunpo!der abo"e the ships.D Thou ne"er sa!est so many damned souls since thou !ast bornE and so air, so be!itching they seem, that one !ould s!ear they are +tygian ambrosia. 5 thought at irst, God orgi"e meL that they had been 1nglish soulsE and 5 don't kno! but that this morning the isle o (orses, near +cotland, !as sacked, !ith all the 1nglish !ho had surprised it, by the lords o Termes and 1ssay. Friar 7ohn, at the approach o Panurge, !as entertained !ith a kind o smell that !as not like that o gunpo!der, nor altogether so s!eet as muskE !hich made him turn Panurge about, and then he sa! that his shirt !as dismally bepa!ed and berayed !ith resh sir$re"erence. The retenti"e aculty o the ner"e !hich restrains the muscle called sphincter @'tis the arse$hole, an it please youD !as rela?ated by the "iolence o the ear !hich he had been in during his antastic "isions. *dd to this the thundering noise o the shooting, !hich seems more dread ul bet!een decks than abo"e. 9or ought you to !onder at such a mishapE or one o the symptoms and accidents o ear is, that it o ten opens the !icket o the cupboard !herein second$hand meat is kept or a time. %et's illustrate this noble theme !ith some e?amples. <esser Pantol e de la Cassina o +iena, riding post rom Rome, came to Chambery, and alighting at honest =inet's took one o the pitch orks in the stableE then turning to the innkeeper, said to him, )a Roma in >ua io non son andato del corpo. )i gratia piglia in mano >uesta orcha, et a mi paura. @5 ha"e not had a stool since 5 le t Rome. 5 pray thee take this pitch ork and right me.D =inet took it, and made se"eral o ers as i he !ould in good earnest ha"e hit the signor, but all in "ainE so the +ienese said to him, +i tu non ai altramente, tu non ai nullaE pero s orHati di adoperarli piu guagliardamente. @5 thou dost not go another !ay to !ork, thou hadst as good do nothingE there ore try to bestir thysel more briskly.D ;ith this, =inet lent him such a s!inging stoater !ith the pitch ork souse bet!een the neck and the collar o his jerkin, that do!n

ell signor on the ground arsy"ersy, !ith his spindle shanks !ide straggling o"er his poll. Then mine host sputtering, !ith a ull$mouthed laugh, said to his guest, By BeelHebub's bumgut, much good may it do you, +ignore 5taliano. Take notice this is datum Camberiaci, gi"en at Chambery. 'T!as !ell the +ienese had untrussed his points and let do!n his dra!ersE or this physic !orked !ith him as soon as he took it, and as copious !as the e"acuation as that o nine bu aloes and ourteen missi icating arch$lubbers. ;hich operation being o"er, the mannerly +ienese courteously ga"e mine host a !hole bushel o thanks, saying to him, 5o ti ringratio, bel messereE cosi acendo tu m' ai esparmiata la speHa d'un ser"itiale. @5 thank thee, good landlordE by this thou hast e'en sa"ed me the e?pense o a clyster.D 5'll gi"e you another e?ample o 1d!ard =., :ing o 1ngland. <aster Francis =illon, being banished France, led to him, and got so ar into his a"our as to be pri"y to all his household a airs. 'ne day the king, being on his close$stool, sho!ed =illon the arms o France, and said to him, )ost thou see !hat respect 5 ha"e or thy French kingsK 5 ha"e none o their arms any!here but in this backside, near my close$stool. 'ds$li e, said the bu oon, ho! !ise, prudent, and care ul o your health your highness isL (o! care ully your learned doctor, Thomas %inacre, looks a ter youL (e sa! that no! you gro! old you are inclined to be some!hat costi"e, and e"ery day !ere ain to ha"e an apothecary, 5 mean a suppository or clyster, thrust into your royal nockandroeE so he has, much to the purpose, induced you to place here the arms o FranceE or the "ery sight o them puts you into such a dread ul right that you immediately let ly as much as !ould come rom eighteen s>uattering bonasi o Paeonia. *nd i they !ere painted in other parts o your house, by jingo, you !ould presently conskite yoursel !here"er you sa! them. 9ay, had you but here a picture o the great ori lamme o France, ods$bodikins, your tripes and bo!els !ould be in no small danger o dropping out at the ori ice o your posteriors. But henh, henh, at>ue iterum henh. * silly cockney am 5 not, *s e"er did rom Paris comeK *nd !ith a rope and sliding knot <y neck shall kno! !hat !eighs my bum. * cockney o short reach, 5 say, shallo! o judgment and judging shallo!ly, to !onder that you should cause your points to be untrussed in your chamber be ore you come into this closet. By'r lady, at irst 5 thought your close$stool had stood behind the hangings o your bedE other!ise it seemed "ery odd to me you should untruss so ar rom the place o e"acuation. But no! 5 ind 5 !as a gull, a !ittol, a !oodcock, a mere ninny, a dolt$head, a noddy, a changeling, a cal $lolly, a doddipoll. #ou do !isely, by the mass, you do !iselyE or had you not been ready to clap your hind ace on the mustard$pot as soon as you came !ithin sight o these arms$$mark ye me, cop's body$$the bottom o your breeches had supplied the o ice o a close$stool. Friar 7ohn, stopping the handle o his ace !ith his le t hand, did, !ith the ore inger o the right, point out Panurge's shirt to Pantagruel, !ho, seeing him in this pickle, scared, appalled, shi"ering, ra"ing, staring, berayed, and torn !ith the cla!s o the amous cat Rodilardus, could not choose but laugh, and said to him, Prithee !hat !ouldst thou do !ith this catK ;ith this catK >uoth PanurgeE the de"il scratch me i 5 did not think it had been a young so t$chinned de"il, !hich, !ith this same stocking

instead o mitten, 5 had snatched up in the great hutch o hell as thie"ishly as any siHar o <ontague college could ha"e done. The de"il take TybertL 5 eel it has all bepinked my poor hide, and dra!n on it to the li e 5 don't kno! ho! many lobsters' !hiskers. ;ith this he thre! his boar$cat do!n. Go, go, said Pantagruel, be bathed and cleaned, calm your ears, put on a clean shi t, and then your clothes. ;hatL do you think 5 am a raidK cried Panurge. 9ot 5, 5 protest. By the testicles o (ercules, 5 am more hearty, bold, and stout, though 5 say it that should not, than i 5 had s!allo!ed as many lies as are put into plumcakes and other paste at Paris rom <idsummer to Christmas. But !hat's thisK (ahL oh, hoL ho! the de"il came 5 by thisK )o you call this !hat the cat le t in the malt, ilth, dirt, dung, dejection, aecal matter, e?crement, stercoration, sir$re"erence, ordure, second$hand meats, umets, stronts, scybal, or spyratheK 'Tis (ibernian sa ron, 5 protest. (ah, hah, hahL 'tis 5rish sa ron, by +haint Pautrick, and so much or this time. +elah. %et's drink.

T(1 F5FT( B'': The *uthor's Prologue. 5nde atigable topers, and you, thrice precious martyrs o the smock, gi"e me lea"e to put a serious >uestion to your !orships !hile you are idly striking your codpieces, and 5 mysel not much better employed. Pray, !hy is it that people say that men are not such sots no!adays as they !ere in the days o yoreK +ot is an old !ord that signi ies a dunce, dullard, jolthead, gull, !ittol, or noddy, one !ithout guts in his brains, !hose cocklo t is un urnished, and, in short, a ool. 9o! !ould 5 kno! !hether you !ould ha"e us understand by this same saying, as indeed you logically may, that ormerly men !ere ools and in this generation are gro!n !iseK (o! many and !hat dispositions made them oolsK (o! many and !hat dispositions !ere !anting to make 'em !iseK ;hy !ere they oolsK (o! should they be !iseK Pray, ho! came you to kno! that men !ere ormerly oolsK (o! did you ind that they are no! !iseK ;ho the de"il made 'em oolsK ;ho a God's name made 'em !iseK ;ho d'ye think are most, those that lo"ed mankind oolish, or those that lo"e it !iseK (o! long has it been !iseK (o! long other!iseK ;hence proceeded the oregoing ollyK ;hence the ollo!ing !isdomK ;hy did the old olly end no!, and no laterK ;hy did the modern !isdom begin no!, and no soonerK ;hat !ere !e the !orse or the ormer ollyK ;hat the better or the succeeding !isdomK (o! should the ancient olly be come to nothingK (o! should this same ne! !isdom be started up and establishedK 9o! ans!er me, an't please you. 5 dare not adjure you in stronger terms, re"erend sirs, lest 5 make your pious atherly !orships in the least uneasy. Come, pluck up a good heartE speak the truth and shame the de"il. Be cheery, my ladsE and i you are or me, take me o three or i"e bumpers o the best, !hile 5 make a halt at the irst part o the sermonE then ans!er my >uestion. 5 you are not or me, a"auntL a"oid, +atanL For 5 s!ear by my great$grandmother's placket @and that's a horrid oathD, that i you don't help me to sol"e that puHHling problem, 5 !ill, nay, 5 already do repent ha"ing proposed itE or still 5 must remain nettled and

gra"elled, and a de"il a bit 5 kno! ho! to get o . ;ell, !hat say youK 5' aith, 5 begin to smell you out. #ou are not yet disposed to gi"e me an ans!erE nor 5 neither, by these !hiskers. #et to gi"e some light into the business, 5'll e'en tell you !hat had been anciently oretold in the matter by a "enerable doctor, !ho, being mo"ed by the spirit in a prophetic "ein, !rote a book ycleped the Prelatical Bagpipe. ;hat d'ye think the old ornicator saithK (earken, you old noddies, hearken no! or ne"er. The jubilee's year, !hen all like ools !ere shorn, 5s about thirty supernumerary. ' !ant o "enerationL ools they seemed, But, perse"ering, !ith long bre"es, at last 9o more they shall be gaping greedy ools. For they shall shell the shrub's delicious ruit, ;hose lo!er they in the spring so much had eared. 9o! you ha"e it, !hat do you make on'tK The seer is ancient, the style laconic, the sentences dark like those o +cotus, though they treat o matters dark enough in themsel"es. The best commentators on that good ather take the jubilee a ter the thirtieth to be the years that are included in this present age till 3BB. @there being but one jubilee e"ery i ty yearsD. <en shall no longer be thought ools ne?t green peas season. The ools, !hose number, as +olomon certi ies, is in inite, shall go to pot like a parcel o mad bedlamites as they areE and all manner o olly shall ha"e an end, that being also numberless, according to *"icenna, maniae in initae sunt species. (a"ing been dri"en back and hidden to!ards the centre during the rigour o the !inter, 'tis no! to be seen on the sur ace, and buds out like the trees. This is as plain as a nose in a man's aceE you kno! it by e?perienceE you see it. *nd it !as ormerly ound out by that great good man (ippocrates, *phorism =erae etenim maniae, Nc. This !orld there ore !isi ying itsel , shall no longer dread the lo!er and blossoms o e"ery coming spring, that is, as you may piously belie"e, bumper in hand and tears in eyes, in the !oe ul time o %ent, !hich used to keep them company. ;hole cartloads o books that seemed lorid, lourishing, and lo!ery, gay, and gaudy as so many butter lies, but in the main !ere tiresome, dull, sopori erous, irksome, mischie"ous, crabbed, knotty, puHHling, and dark as those o !hining (eraclitus, as unintelligible as the numbers o Pythagoras, that king o the bean, according to (oraceE those books, 5 say, ha"e seen their best days and shall soon come to nothing, being deli"ered to the e?ecuting !orms and merciless petty chandlersE such !as their destiny, and to this they !ere predestinated. 5n their stead beans in cod are started upE that is, these merry and ructi ying Pantagruelian books, so much sought no!adays in e?pectation o the ollo!ing jubilee's periodE to the study o !hich !ritings all people ha"e gi"en their minds, and accordingly ha"e gained the name o !ise. 9o! 5 think 5 ha"e airly sol"ed and resol"ed your problemE then re orm, and be the better or it. (em once or t!ice like hearts o oakE stand to your pan$puddings, and take me o your bumpers, nine go$do!ns, and huHHaL since !e are like to ha"e a good "intage, and misers hang themsel"es. 'hL they !ill cost me an estate in hempen collars i air !eather hold. For 5 hereby promise to urnish them !ith t!ice as much as !ill do their business on ree cost, as o ten as they !ill take the pains to dance at a rope's end

pro"idently to sa"e charges, to the no small disappointment o the inisher o the la!. 9o!, my riends, that you may put in or a share o this ne! !isdom, and shake o the anti>uated olly this "ery moment, scratch me out o your scrolls and >uite discard the symbol o the old philosopher !ith the golden thigh, by !hich he has orbidden you to eat beansE or you may take it or a truth granted among all pro essors in the science o good eating, that he enjoined you not to taste o them only !ith the same kind intent that a certain resh$!ater physician had !hen he did orbid to *mer, late %ord o Camelotiere, kinsman to the la!yer o that name, the !ing o the partridge, the rump o the chicken, and the neck o the pigeon, saying, *la mala, rumpum dubium, collum bonum, pelle remota. For the duncical dog$leech !as so sel ish as to reser"e them or his o!n dainty chops, and allo!ed his poor patients little more than the bare bones to pick, lest they should o"erload their s>ueamish stomachs. To the heathen philosopher succeeded a pack o Capuchins, monks !ho orbid us the use o beans, that is, Pantagruelian books. They seem to ollo! the e?ample o Philo?enus and Gnatho, one o !hom !as a +icilian o ulsome memory, the ancient master$builders o their monastic cram$gut "oluptuousness, !ho, !hen some dainty bit !as ser"ed up at a east, ilthily used to spit on it, that none but their nasty sel"es might ha"e the stomach to eat o it, though their li>uorish chops !atered ne"er so much a ter it. +o those hideous, snotty, phthisicky, ea"es$dropping, musty, mo"ing orms o morti ication, both in public and pri"ate, curse those dainty books, and like toads spit their "enom upon them. 9o!, though !e ha"e in our mother$tongue se"eral e?cellent !orks in "erse and prose, and, hea"en be praisedL but little le t o the trash and trumpery stu o those duncical mumblers o a"e$maries and the barbarous oregoing Gothic age, 5 ha"e made bold to choose to chirrup and !arble my plain ditty, or, as they say, to !histle like a goose among the s!ans, rather than be thought dea among so many pretty poets and elo>uent orators. *nd thus 5 am prouder o acting the clo!n, or any other under$part, among the many ingenious actors in that noble play, than o herding among those mutes, !ho, like so many shado!s and ciphers, only ser"e to ill up the house and make up a number, gaping and ya!ning at the lies, and pricking up their lugs, like so many *rcadian asses, at the striking up o the musicE thus silently gi"ing to understand that their opships are tickled in the right place. (a"ing taken this resolution, 5 thought it !ould not be amiss to mo"e my )iogenical tub, that you might not accuse me o li"ing !ithout e?ample. 5 see a s!arm o our modern poets and orators, your Colinets, <arots, )rouets, +aint Gelais, +alels, <asuels, and many more, !ho, ha"ing commenced masters in *pollo's academy on <ount Parnassus, and drunk brimmers at the Caballin ountain among the nine merry <uses, ha"e raised our "ulgar tongue, and made it a noble and e"erlasting structure. Their !orks are all Parian marble, alabaster, porphyry, and royal cementE they treat o nothing but heroic deeds, mighty things, gra"e and di icult matters, and this in a crimson, alamode, rhetorical style. Their !ritings are all di"ine nectar, rich, racy, sparkling, delicate, and luscious !ine. 9or does our se? !holly engross this honourE ladies ha"e had their share o the gloryE one o them, o the royal blood o France, !hom it !ere a

pro anation but to name here, surprises the age at once by the transcendent and in"enti"e genius in her !ritings and the admirable graces o her style. 5mitate those great e?amples i you canE or my part 5 cannot. 1"eryone, you kno!, cannot go to Corinth. ;hen +olomon built the temple, all could not gi"e gold by hand uls. +ince then 'tis not in my po!er to impro"e our architecture as much as they, 5 am e'en resol"ed to do like Renault o <ontauban& 5'll !ait on the masons, set on the pot or the masons, cook or the stone$cuttersE and since it !as not my good luck to be cut out or one o them, 5 !ill li"e and die the admirer o their di"ine !ritings. *s or you, little en"ious prigs, snarling bastards, puny critics, you'll soon ha"e railed your lastE go hang yoursel"es, and choose you out some !ell$spread oak, under !hose shade you may s!ing in state, to the admiration o the gaping mobE you shall ne"er !ant rope enough. ;hile 5 here solemnly protest be ore my (elicon, in the presence o my nine mistresses the <uses, that i 5 li"e yet the age o a dog, eked out !ith that o three cro!s, sound !ind and limbs, like the old (ebre! captain <oses, Ienophilus the musician, and )emona? the philosopher, by arguments no !ays impertinent, and reasons not to be disputed, 5 !ill pro"e, in the teeth o a parcel o brokers and retailers o ancient rhapsodies and such mouldy trash, that our "ulgar tongue is not so mean, silly, inept, poor, barren, and contemptible as they pretend. 9or ought 5 to be a raid o 5 kno! not !hat botchers o old threadbare stu , a hundred and a hundred times clouted up and pieced togetherE !retched bunglers that can do nothing but ne!$"amp old rusty sa!sE beggarly sca"engers that rake e"en the muddiest canals o anti>uity or scraps and bits o %atin as insigni icant as they are o ten uncertain. Beseeching our grandees o ;itland that, as !hen ormerly *pollo had distributed all the treasures o his poetical e?che>uer to his a"ourites, little hulchbacked *esop got or himsel the o ice o apologue$mongerE in the same manner, since 5 do not aspire higher, they !ould not deny me that o puny rhyparographer, or ri ra ollo!er o the sect o Pyreicus. 5 dare s!ear they !ill grant me thisE or they are all so kind, so good$natured, and so generous, that they'll ne'er boggle at so small a re>uest. There ore, both dry and hungry souls, pot and trenchermen, ully enjoying those books, perusing, >uoting them in their merry con"enticles, and obser"ing the great mysteries o !hich they treat, shall gain a singular pro it and ameE as in the like case !as done by *le?ander the Great !ith the books o prime philosophy composed by *ristotle. ' rareL belly on bellyL !hat s!illers, !hat t!isters !ill there beL Then be sure all you that take care not to die o the pip, be sure, 5 say, you take my ad"ice, and stock yoursel"es !ith good store o such books as soon as you meet !ith them at the booksellersE and do not only shell those beans, but e'en s!allo! them do!n like an opiate cordial, and let them be in youE 5 say, let them be !ithin youE then you shall ind, my belo"ed, !hat good they do to all cle"er shellers o beans. (ere is a good handsome basket ul o them, !hich 5 here lay be ore your !orshipsE they !ere gathered in the "ery indi"idual garden !hence the ormer came. +o 5 beseech you, re"erend sirs, !ith as much respect as !as e"er paid by dedicating author, to accept o the gi t, in hopes o some!hat better against ne?t "isit the s!allo!s gi"e us.

T(1 F5FT( B'':. Chapter B.5. (o! Pantagruel arri"ed at the Ringing 5sland, and o the noise that !e heard. Pursuing our "oyage, !e sailed three days !ithout disco"ering anythingE on the ourth !e made land. 'ur pilot told us that it !as the Ringing 5sland, and indeed !e heard a kind o a con used and o ten repeated noise, that seemed to us at a great distance not unlike the sound o great, middle$siHed, and little bells rung all at once, as 'tis customary at Paris, Tours, Gergeau, 9antes, and else!here on high holidaysE and the nearer !e came to the land the louder !e heard that jangling. +ome o us doubted that it !as the )odonian kettle, or the portico called (eptaphone in 'lympia, or the eternal humming o the colossus raised on <emnon's tomb in Thebes o 1gypt, or the horrid din that used ormerly to be heard about a tomb at %ipara, one o the *eolian islands. But this did not s>uare !ith chorography. 5 do not kno!, said Pantagruel, but that some s!arms o bees hereabouts may be taking a ramble in the air, and so the neighbourhood make this dingle$dangle !ith pans, kettles, and basins, the corybantine cymbals o Cybele, grandmother o the gods, to call them back. %et's hearken. ;hen !e !ere nearer, among the e"erlasting ringing o these inde atigable bells !e heard the singing, as !e thought, o some men. For this reason, be ore !e o ered to land on the Ringing 5sland, Pantagruel !as o opinion that !e should go in the pinnace to a small rock, near !hich !e disco"ered an hermitage and a little garden. There !e ound a diminuti"e old hermit, !hose name !as Braguibus, born at Glenay. (e ga"e us a ull account o all the jangling, and regaled us a ter a strange sort o ashion$$ our li"elong days did he make us ast, assuring us that !e should not be admitted into the Ringing 5sland other!ise, because it !as then one o the our asting, or ember !eeks. *s 5 lo"e my belly, >uoth Panurge, 5 by no means understand this riddle. <ethinks this should rather be one o the our !indy !eeksE or !hile !e ast !e are only pu ed up !ith !ind. Pray no!, good ather hermit, ha"e not you here some other pastime besides astingK <ethinks it is some!hat o the leanestE !e might !ell enough be !ithout so many palace holidays and those asting times o yours. 5n my )onatus, >uoth Friar 7ohn, 5 could ind yet but three times or tenses, the preterit, the present, and the utureE doubtless here the ourth ought to be a !ork o supererogation. That time or tense, said 1pistemon, is aorist, deri"ed rom the preter$imper ect tense o the Greeks, admitted in !ar @KD and odd cases. Patience per orce is a remedy or a mad dog. +aith the hermit& 5t is, as 5 told you, atal to go against thisE !hosoe"er does it is a rank heretic, and !ants nothing but ire and aggot, that's certain. To deal plainly !ith you, my dear pater, cried Panurge, being at sea, 5 much more ear being !et than being !arm, and being dro!ned than being burned.

;ell, ho!e"er, let us ast, a God's nameE yet 5 ha"e asted so long that it has >uite undermined my lesh, and 5 ear that at last the bastions o this bodily ort o mine !ill all to ruin. Besides, 5 am much more a raid o "e?ing you in this same trade o astingE or the de"il a bit 5 understand anything in it, and it becomes me "ery scur"ily, as se"eral people ha"e told me, and 5 am apt to belie"e them. For my part, 5 ha"e no great stomach to astingE or alasL it is as easy as pissing a bed, and a trade o !hich anybody may set upE there needs no tools. 5 am much more inclined not to ast or the utureE or to do so there is some stock re>uired, and some tools are set a$!ork. 9o matter, since you are so stead ast, and !ould ha"e us ast, let us ast as ast as !e can, and then break ast in the name o amine. 9o! !e are come to these esurial idle days. 5 "o! 5 had >uite put them out o my head long ago. 5 !e must ast, said Pantagruel, 5 see no other remedy but to get rid o it as soon as !e can, as !e !ould out o a bad !ay. 5'll in that space o time some!hat look o"er my papers, and e?amine !hether the marine study be as good as ours at land. For Plato, to describe a silly, ra!, ignorant ello!, compares him to those that are bred on shipboard, as !e !ould do one bred up in a barrel, !ho ne"er sa! anything but through the bung$hole. To tell you the short and the long o the matter, our asting !as most hideous and terribleE or the irst day !e asted on isticu s, the second at cudgels, the third at sharps, and the ourth at blood and !ounds& such !as the order o the airies.

Chapter B.55. (o! the Ringing 5sland had been inhabited by the +iticines, !ho !ere become birds. (a"ing asted as a oresaid, the hermit ga"e us a letter or one !hom he called *lbian Camar, <aster *edituus o the Ringing 5slandE but Panurge greeting him called him <aster *ntitus. (e !as a little >ueer old ello!, bald$pated, !ith a snout !hereat you might easily ha"e lighted a card$match, and a phiH as red as a cardinal's cap. (e made us all "ery !elcome, upon the hermit's recommendation, hearing that !e had asted, as 5 ha"e told you. ;hen !e had !ell stu ed our puddings, he ga"e us an account o !hat !as remarkable in the island, a irming that it had been at irst inhabited by the +iticinesE but that, according to the course o nature$$as all things, you kno!, are subject to change$$they !ere become birds. There 5 had a ull account o all that *tteius Capito, Paulus, <arcellus, *. Gellius, *thenaeus, +uidas, *mmonius, and others had !rit o the +iticines and +icinnistsE and then !e thought !e might as easily belie"e the transmutations o 9ectymene, Progne, 5tys, *lcyone, *ntigone, Tereus, and other birds. 9or did !e think it more reasonable to doubt o the transmogri ication o the <acrobian children into s!ans, or that o the men o Pallene in Thrace into birds, as soon as they had bathed themsel"es in the Tritonic lake. * ter this the de"il a !ord could !e get out o him but o birds and cages. The cages !ere spacious, costly, magni icent, and o an admirable architecture. The birds !ere large, ine, and neat accordingly, looking as

like the men in my country as one pea does like anotherE or they ate and drank like men, muted like men, endued or digested like men, arted like men, but stunk like de"ilsE slept, billed, and trod their emales like men, but some!hat o tener& in short, had you seen and e?amined them rom top to toe, you !ould ha"e laid your head to a turnip that they had been mere men. (o!e"er, they !ere nothing less, as <aster *edituus told usE assuring us, at the same time, that they !ere neither secular nor laicE and the truth is, the di"ersity o their eathers and plumes did not a little puHHle us. +ome o them !ere all o"er as !hite as s!ans, others as black as cro!s, many as grey as o!ls, others black and !hite like magpies, some all red like red$birds, and others purple and !hite like some pigeons. (e called the males clerg$ha!ks, monk$ha!ks, priest$ha!ks, abbot$ha!ks, bish$ha!ks, cardin$ha!ks, and one pope$ha!k, !ho is a species by himsel . (e called the emales clerg$kites, nun$kites, priest$kites, abbess$kites, bish$kites, cardin$kites, and pope$kites. (o!e"er, said he, as hornets and drones !ill get among the bees, and there do nothing but buHH, eat, and spoil e"erythingE so, or these last three hundred years, a "ast s!arm o bigottelloes locked, 5 do not kno! ho!, among these goodly birds e"ery i th ull moon, and ha"e bemuted, berayed, and conskited the !hole island. They are so hard$ a"oured and monstrous that none can abide them. For their !ry necks make a igure like a crooked billetE their pa!s are hairy, like those o rough$ ooted pigeonsE their cla!s and pounces, belly and breech, like those o the +tymphalid harpies. 9or is it possible to root them out, or i you get rid o one, straight our$and$t!enty ne! ones ly thither. There had been need o another monster$hunter such as !as (erculesE or Friar 7ohn had like to ha"e run distracted about it, so much he !as nettled and puHHled in the matter. *s or the good Pantagruel, he !as e"en ser"ed as !as <esser Priapus, contemplating the sacri ices o Ceres, or !ant o skin.

Chapter B.555. (o! there is but one pope$ha!k in the Ringing 5sland. ;e then asked <aster *edituus !hy there !as but one pope$ha!k among such "enerable birds multiplied in all their species. (e ans!ered that such !as the irst institution and atal destiny o the stars that the clerg$ha!ks begot the priest$ha!ks and monk$ha!ks !ithout carnal copulation, as some bees are born o a young bullE the priest$ha!ks begat the bish$ha!ks, the bish$ha!ks the stately cardin$ha!ks, and the stately cardin$ha!ks, i they li"e long enough, at last come to be pope$ha!k. ' this last kind there ne"er is more than one at a time, as in a beehi"e there is but one king, and in the !orld is but one sun. ;hen the pope$ha!k dies, another arises in his stead out o the !hole brood o cardin$ha!ks, that is, as you must understand it all along, !ithout carnal copulation. +o that there is in that species an indi"idual unity, !ith a perpetuity o succession, neither more or less than in the *rabian phoeni?.

'Tis true that, about t!o thousand se"en hundred and si?ty moons ago, t!o pope$ha!ks !ere seen upon the ace o the earthE but then you ne"er sa! in your li"es such a !oe ul rout and hurly$burly as !as all o"er this island. For all these same birds did so peck, clappercla!, and maul one another all that time, that there !as the de"il and all to do, and the island !as in a air !ay o being le t !ithout inhabitants. +ome stood up or this pope$ha!k, some or t'other. +ome, struck !ith a dumbness, !ere as mute as so many ishesE the de"il a note !as to be got out o themE part o the merry bells here !ere as silent as i they had lost their tongues, 5 mean their clappers. )uring these troublesome times they called to their assistance the emperors, kings, dukes, earls, barons, and common!ealths o the !orld that li"e on t'other side the !aterE nor !as this schism and sedition at an end till one o them died, and the plurality !as reduced to a unity. ;e then asked !hat mo"ed those birds to be thus continually chanting and singing. (e ans!ered that it !as the bells that hung on the top o their cages. Then he said to us, ;ill you ha"e me make these monk$ha!ks !hom you see bardocuculated !ith a bag such as you use to still brandy, sing like any !oodlarksK Pray do, said !e. (e then ga"e hal $a$doHen pulls to a little rope, !hich caused a diminuti"e bell to gi"e so many ting$tangsE and presently a parcel o monk$ha!ks ran to him as i the de"il had dro"e 'em, and ell a$singing like mad. Pray, master, cried Panurge, i 5 also rang this bell could 5 make those other birds yonder, !ith red$herring$coloured eathers, singK *y, marry !ould you, returned *edituus. ;ith this Panurge hanged himsel @by the hands, 5 meanD at the bell$rope's end, and no sooner made it speak but those smoked birds hied them thither and began to li t up their "oices and make a sort o unto!ardly hoarse noise, !hich 5 grudge to call singing. *edituus indeed told us that they ed on nothing but ish, like the herns and cormorants o the !orld, and that they !ere a i th kind o cucullati ne!ly stamped. (e added that he had been told by Robert =albringue, !ho lately passed that !ay in his return rom * rica, that a si?th kind !as to ly hither out o hand, !hich he called capus$ha!ks, more grum, "inegar$ aced, brain$sick, ro!ard, and loathsome than any kind !hatsoe"er in the !hole island. * rica, said Pantagruel, still uses to produce some ne! and monstrous thing.

Chapter B.5=. (o! the birds o the Ringing 5sland !ere all passengers. +ince you ha"e told us, said Pantagruel, ho! the pope$ha!k is begot by the cardin$ha!ks, the cardin$ha!ks by the bish$ha!ks, and the bish$ha!ks by the priest$ha!ks, and the priest$ha!ks by the clerg$ha!ks, 5 !ould gladly kno! !hence you ha"e these same clerg$ha!ks. They are all o them passengers, or tra"elling birds, returned *edituus, and come hither rom t'other !orldE part out o a "ast country called ;ant$o'$bread, the rest out o another to!ard the !est, !hich they style Too$many$o $'em. From these t!o countries lock hither, e"ery year, !hole legions o these clerg$ha!ks, lea"ing their athers, mothers, riends, and relations.

This happens !hen there are too many children, !hether male or emale, in some good amily o the latter countryE insomuch that the house !ould come to nothing i the paternal estate !ere shared among them all @as reason re>uires, nature directs, and God commandsD. For this cause parents use to rid themsel"es o that incon"eniency by packing o the younger ry, and orcing them to seek their ortune in this isle Bossart @Crooked 5slandD. 5 suppose he means %'5sle Bouchart, near Chinon, cried Panurge. 9o, replied t'other, 5 mean Bossart @CrookedD, or there is not one in ten among them but is either crooked, crippled, blinking, limping, ill$ a"oured, de ormed, or an unpro itable load to the earth. 'T!as >uite other!ise among the heathens, said Pantagruel, !hen they used to recei"e a maiden among the number o "estalsE or %eo *ntistius a irms that it !as absolutely orbidden to admit a "irgin into that order i she had any "ice in her soul or de ect in her body, though it !ere but the smallest spot on any part o it. 5 can hardly belie"e, continued *edituus, that their dams on t'other side the !ater go nine months !ith themE or they cannot endure them nine years, nay, scarce se"en sometimes, in the house, but by putting only a shirt o"er the other clothes o the young urchins, and lopping o 5 don't !ell kno! ho! many hairs rom their cro!ns, mumbling certain apostrophiHed and e?piatory !ords, they "isibly, openly, and plainly, by a Pythagorical metempsychosis, !ithout the least hurt, transmogri y them into such birds as you no! seeE much a ter the ashion o the 1gyptian heathens, !ho used to constitute their isiacs by sha"ing them and making them put on certain linostoles, or surplices. (o!e"er, 5 don't kno!, my good riends, but that these she$things, !hether clerg$kites, monk$kites, and abbess$kites, instead o singing pleasant "erses and charisteres, such as used to be sung to 'romasis by Ooroaster's institution, may be bello!ing out such catarates and scythropys @cursed lamentable and !retched imprecationsD as !ere usually o ered to the *rimanian demonE being thus in de"otion or their kind riends and relations that trans ormed them into birds, !hether !hen they !ere maids, or thornbacks, in their prime, or at their last prayers. But the greatest numbers o our birds came out o ;ant$o'$bread, !hich, though a barren country, !here the days are o a most tedious lingering length, o"erstocks this !hole island !ith the lo!er class o birds. For hither ly the asapheis that inhabit that land, either !hen they are in danger o passing their time scur"ily or !ant o belly$timber, being unable, or, !hat's more likely, un!illing to take heart o grace and ollo! some honest la! ul calling, or too proud$hearted and laHy to go to ser"ice in some sober amily. The same is done by your rantic inamoradoes, !ho, !hen crossed in their !ild desires, gro! stark staring mad, and choose this li e suggested to them by their despair, too co!ardly to make them s!ing, like their brother 5phis o dole ul memory. There is another sort, that is, your gaol$birds, !ho, ha"ing done some rogue's trick or other heinous "illainy, and being sought up and do!n to be trussed up and made to ride the t!o or three$legged mare that groans or them, !arily scour o and come here to sa"e their baconE because all these sorts o birds are here pro"ided or, and gro! in an instant as at as hogs, though they came as lean as rakesE or ha"ing the bene it o the clergy, they are as sa e as thie"es in a mill !ithin this sanctuary. But, asked Pantagruel, do these birds ne"er return to the !orld !here they !ere hatchedK +ome do, ans!ered *edituusE ormerly "ery e!, "ery seldom, "ery late, and "ery un!illinglyE ho!e"er, since some certain eclipses, by

the "irtue o the celestial constellations, a great cro!d o them led back to the !orld. 9or do !e ret or "e? oursel"es a jot about itE or those that stay !isely sing, The e!er the better cheerE and all those that ly a!ay, irst cast o their eathers here among these nettles and briars. *ccordingly !e ound some thro!n by thereE and as !e looked up and do!n, !e chanced to light on !hat some people !ill hardly thank us or ha"ing disco"eredE and thereby hangs a tale.

Chapter B.=. ' the dumb :night$ha!ks o the Ringing 5sland. These !ords !ere scarce out o his mouth !hen some i"e$and$t!enty or thirty birds le! to!ards usE they !ere o a hue and eather like !hich !e had not seen anything in the !hole island. Their plumes !ere as changeable as the skin o the chameleon, and the lo!er o tripolion, or teucrion. They had all under the le t !ing a mark like t!o diameters di"iding a circle into e>ual parts, or, i you had rather ha"e it so, like a perpendicular line alling on a right line. The marks !hich each o them bore !ere much o the same shape, but o di erent coloursE or some !ere !hite, others green, some red, others purple, and some blue. ;ho are thoseK asked PanurgeE and ho! do you call themK They are mongrels, >uoth *edituus. ;e call them knight$ha!ks, and they ha"e a great number o rich commanderies @ at li"ingsD in your !orld. Good your !orship, said 5, make them gi"e us a song, an't please you, that !e may kno! ho! they sing. They scorn your !ords, cried *edituusE they are none o your singing$birdsE but, to make amends, they eed as much as the best t!o o them all. Pray !here are their hensK !here are their emalesK said 5. They ha"e none, ans!ered *edituus. (o! comes it to pass then, asked Panurge, that they are thus bescabbed, bescur ed, all embroidered o'er the phiH !ith carbuncles, pushes, and pock$royals, some o !hich undermine the handles o their acesK This same ashionable and illustrious disease, >uoth *edituus, is common among that kind o birds, because they are pretty apt to be tossed on the salt deep. (e then ac>uainted us !ith the occasion o their coming. This ne?t to us, said he, looks so !ist ully upon you to see !hether he may not ind among your company a stately gaudy kind o huge dread ul birds o prey, !hich yet are so unto!ard that they ne'er could be brought to the lure nor to perch on the glo"e. They tell us that there are such in your !orld, and that some o them ha"e goodly garters belo! the knee !ith an inscription about them !hich condemns him @>ui mal y penseD !ho shall think ill o it to be berayed and conskited. 'thers are said to !ear the de"il in a string be ore their paunchesE and others a ram's skin. *ll that's true enough, good <aster *edituus, >uoth PanurgeE but !e ha"e not the honour to be ac>uainted !ith their knightships. Come on, cried *edituus in a merry mood, !e ha"e had chat enough o' conscienceL let's e'en go drink. *nd eat, >uoth Panurge. 1at, replied *edituus, and drink bra"ely, old boyE t!ist like plough$jobbers and s!ill like tinkers. Pull a!ay and sa"e tide, or nothing is so dear and precious as timeE there ore !e !ill be sure to put it to a good use.

(e !ould ain ha"e carried us irst to bathe in the bagnios o the cardin$ha!ks, !hich are goodly delicious places, and ha"e us licked o"er !ith precious ointments by the alyptes, alias rubbers, as soon as !e should come out o the bath. But Pantagruel told him that he could drink but too much !ithout that. (e then led us into a spacious delicate re ectory, or ratery$room, and told us& Braguibus the hermit made you ast our days togetherE no!, contrari!ise, 5'll make you eat and drink o the best our days through stitch be ore you budge rom this place. But hark ye me, cried Panurge, may not !e take a nap in the mean timeK *y, ay, ans!ered *edituusE that is as you shall think goodE or he that sleeps, drinks. Good %ordL ho! !e li"edL !hat good bubL !hat dainty cheerL ' !hat a honest cod !as this same *edituusL

Chapter B.=5. (o! the birds are crammed in the Ringing 5sland. Pantagruel looked 5 don't kno! ho!ish, and seemed not "ery !ell pleased !ith the our days' junketting !hich *edituus enjoined us. *edituus, !ho soon ound it out, said to him, #ou kno!, sir, that se"en days be ore !inter, and se"en days a ter, there is no storm at seaE or then the elements are still out o respect or the halcyons, or king$ ishers, birds sacred to Thetis, !hich then lay their eggs and hatch their young near the shore. 9o! here the sea makes itsel amends or this long calmE and !hene"er any oreigners come hither it gro!s boisterous and stormy or our days together. ;e can gi"e no other reason or it but that it is a piece o its ci"ility, that those !ho come among us may stay !hether they !ill or no, and be copiously easted all the !hile !ith the incomes o the ringing. There ore pray don't think your time lostE or, !illing, nilling, you'll be orced to stay, unless you are resol"ed to encounter 7uno, 9eptune, )oris, *eolus, and his luster$busters, and, in short, all the pack o ill$natured le t$handed godlings and "ejo"es. )o but resol"e to be cheery, and all$to briskly. * ter !e had pretty !ell stayed our stomachs !ith some tight snatches, Friar 7ohn said to *edituus, For aught 5 see, you ha"e none but a parcel o birds and cages in this island o yours, and the de"il a bit o one o them all that sets his hand to the plough, or tills the land !hose at he de"oursE their !hole business is to be rolic, to chirp it, to !histle it, to !arble it, tossing it, and roar it merrily night and day. Pray then, i 5 may be so bold, !hence comes this plenty and o"er lo!ing o all dainty bits and good things !hich !e see among youK From all the other !orld, returned *edituus, i you e?cept some part o the northern regions, !ho o late years ha"e stirred up the jakes. <umL they may chance ere long to rue the day they did soE their co!s shall ha"e porridge, and their dogs oatsE there !ill be !ork made among them, that there !ill. Come, a ig or't, let's drink. But pray !hat countrymen are youK Touraine is our country, ans!ered Panurge. Cod so, cried *edituus, you !ere not then hatched o an ill bird, 5 !ill say that or you, since the blessed Touraine is your motherE or rom thence there comes hither e"ery year such a "ast store o good things, that !e !ere told by some olks o the place that happened to touch at this island, that your )uke o Touraine's income !ill not a ord him to eat his belly ul o beans and bacon @a good dish spoiled bet!een <oses and PythagorasD because his predecessors ha"e been more than liberal

to these most holy birds o ours, that !e might here munch it, t!ist it, cram it, gorge it, cra! it, riot it, junket it, and tickle it o , stu ing our puddings !ith dainty pheasants, partridges, pullets !ith eggs, at capons o %oudunois, and all sorts o "enison and !ild o!l. Come, bo? it aboutE tope on, my riends. Pray do you see yon jolly birds that are perched together, ho! at, ho! plump, and in good case they look, !ith the income that Touraine yields usL *nd in aith they sing rarely or their good ounders, that is the truth on't. #ou ne"er sa! any *rcadian birds mumble more airly than they do o"er a dish !hen they see these t!o gilt batons, or !hen 5 ring or them those great bells that you see abo"e their cages. )rink on, sirs, !hip it a!ay. =erily, riends, 'tis "ery ine drinking to$day, and so 'tis e"ery day o' the !eekE then drink on, toss it about, here's to you !ith all my soul. #ou are most heartily !elcomeE ne"er spare it, 5 pray youE ear not !e should e"er !ant good bub and belly$timberE or, look here, though the sky !ere o brass, and the earth o iron, !e should not !ant !here!ithal to stu the gut, though they !ere to continue so se"en or eight years longer than the amine in 1gypt. %et us then, !ith brotherly lo"e and charity, re resh oursel"es here !ith the creature. ;oons, man, cried Panurge, !hat a rare time you ha"e on't in this !orldL Psha, returned *edituus, this is nothing to !hat !e shall ha"e in t'otherE the 1lysian ields !ill be the least that can all to our lot. Come, in the meantime let us drink hereE come, here's to thee, old uddlecap. #our irst +iticines, said 5, !ere superlati"ely !ise in de"ising thus a means or you to compass !hate"er all men naturally co"et so much, and so e!, or, to speak more properly, none can enjoy together$$5 mean, a paradise in this li e, and another in the ne?t. +ure you !ere born !rapt in your mother's smicketsL ' happy creaturesL ' more than menL ;ould 5 had the luck to are like youL @<otteu? inserts Chapter I=5. a ter Chapter =5.D

Chapter B.=55. (o! Panurge related to <aster *edituus the able o the horse and the ass. ;hen !e had crammed and crammed again, *edituus took us into a chamber that !as !ell urnished, hung !ith tapestry, and inely gilt. Thither he caused to be brought store o mirobolans, cashou, green ginger preser"ed, !ith plenty o hippocras, and delicious !ine. ;ith those antidotes, that !ere like a s!eet %ethe, he in"ited us to orget the hardships o our "oyageE and at the same time he sent plenty o pro"isions on board our ship that rid in the harbour. * ter this, !e e'en jogged to bed or that nightE but the de"il a bit poor pilgarlic could sleep one !ink$$the e"erlasting jingle$jangle o the bells kept me a!ake !hether 5 !ould or no. *bout midnight *edituus came to !ake us that !e might drink. (e himsel sho!ed us the !ay, saying& #ou men o t'other !orld say that ignorance is the mother o all e"il, and so ar you are rightE yet or all that you do not take the least care to get rid o it, but still plod on, and li"e in it, !ith it, and by itE or !hich a plaguy deal o mischie lights on you e"ery day, and you are right enough ser"ed$$you are perpetually ailing some!hat, making a moan, and ne"er right. 5t is !hat 5 !as ruminating upon just no!. *nd, indeed, ignorance keeps you here astened in bed, just as

that bully$rock <ars !as detained by =ulcan's artE or all the !hile you do not mind that you ought to spare some o your rest, and be as la"ish as you can o the goods o this amous island. Come, come, you should ha"e eaten three break asts alreadyE and take this rom me or a certain truth, that i you !ould consume the mouth$ammunition o this island, you must rise betimesE eat them, they multiplyE spare them, they diminish. For e?ample, mo! a ield in due season, and the grass !ill gro! thicker and betterE don't mo! it, and in a short time 't!ill be loored !ith moss. %et's drink, and drink again, my riendsE come, let's all carouse it. The leanest o our birds are no! singing to us allE !e'll drink to them, i you please. %et's take o one, t!o, three, nine bumpers. 9on Helus, sed caritas. ;hen day, peeping in the east, made the sky turn rom black to red like a boiling lobster, he !aked us again to take a dish o monastical bre!is. From that time !e made but one meal, that only lasted the !hole dayE so that 5 cannot !ell tell ho! 5 may call it, !hether dinner, supper, nunchion, or a ter$supperE only, to get a stomach, !e took a turn or t!o in the island, to see and hear the blessed singing$birds. *t night Panurge said to *edituus& Gi"e me lea"e, s!eet sir, to tell you a merry story o something that happened some three and t!enty moons ago in the country o Chastelleraud. 'ne day in *pril, a certain gentleman's groom, Roger by name, !as !alking his master's horses in some allo! ground. There 't!as his good ortune to ind a pretty shepherdess eeding her bleating sheep and harmless lambkins on the bro! o a neighbouring mountain, in the shade o an adjacent gro"eE near her, some risking kids tripped it o"er a green carpet o nature's o!n spreading, and, to complete the landscape, there stood an ass. Roger, !ho !as a !ag, had a dish o chat !ith her, and a ter some i s, ands, and buts, hems and heighs on her side, got her in the mind to get up behind him, to go and see his stable, and there take a bit by the bye in a ci"il !ay. ;hile they !ere holding a parley, the horse, directing his discourse to the ass @ or all brute beasts spoke that year in di"ers placesD, !hispered these !ords in his ear& Poor ass, ho! 5 pity theeL thou sla"est like any hack, 5 read it on thy crupper. Thou dost !ell, ho!e"er, since God has created thee to ser"e mankindE thou art a "ery honest ass, but not to be better rubbed do!n, currycombed, trapped, and ed than thou art, seems to me indeed to be too hard a lot. *lasL thou art all rough$coated, in ill plight, jaded, oundered, crest allen, and drooping, like a mooting duck, and eedest here on nothing but coarse grass, or briars and thistles. There ore do but pace it along !ith me, and thou shalt see ho! !e noble steeds, made by nature or !ar, are treated. Come, thou'lt lose nothing by comingE 5'll get thee a taste o my are. 5' troth, sir, 5 can but lo"e you and thank you, returned the assE 5'll !ait on you, good <r. +teed. <ethinks, ga er ass, you might as !ell ha"e said +ir Grandpa! +teed. 'L cry mercy, good +ir Grandpa!, returned the assE !e country clo!ns are some!hat gross, and apt to knock !ords out o joint. (o!e"er, an't please you, 5 !ill come a ter your !orship at some distance, lest or taking this run my side should chance to be irked and curried !ith a "engeance, as it is but too o ten, the more is my sorro!. The shepherdess being got behind Roger, the ass ollo!ed, ully resol"ed to bait like a prince !ith Roger's steedE but !hen they got to the stable, the groom, !ho spied the gra"e animal, ordered one o his underlings to !elcome

him !ith a pitch ork and currycomb him !ith a cudgel. The ass, !ho heard this, recommended himsel mentally to the god 9eptune, and !as packing o , thinking and syllogiHing !ithin himsel thus& (ad not 5 been an ass, 5 had not come here among great lords, !hen 5 must needs be sensible that 5 !as only made or the use o the small "ulgar. *esop had gi"en me a air !arning o this in one o his ables. ;ell, 5 must e'en scamper or take !hat ollo!s. ;ith this he ell a$trotting, and !incing, and yerking, and calcitrating, alias kicking, and arting, and unking, and cur"etting, and bounding, and springing, and galloping ull dri"e, as i the de"il had come or him in propria persona. The shepherdess, !ho sa! her ass scour o , told Roger that it !as her cattle, and desired he might be kindly used, or else she !ould not stir her oot o"er the threshold. Friend Roger no sooner kne! this but he ordered him to be etched in, and that my master's horses should rather chop stra! or a !eek together than my mistress's beast should !ant his belly ul o corn. The most di icult point !as to get him backE or in "ain the youngsters complimented and coa?ed him to come. 5 dare not, said the assE 5 am bash ul. *nd the more they stro"e by air means to bring him !ith them, the more the stubborn thing !as unto!ard, and le! out at the heelsE insomuch that they might ha"e been there to this hour, had not his mistress ad"ised them to toss oats in a sie"e or in a blanket, and call himE !hich !as done, and made him !heel about and say, 'ats, !ith a !itnessL oats shall go to pot. *d"eniatE oats !ill do, there's e"idence in the caseE but none o the rubbing do!n, none o the irking. Thus melodiously singing @ or, as you kno!, that *rcadian bird's note is "ery harmoniousD he came to the young gentleman o the horse, alias black garb, !ho brought him to the stable. ;hen he !as there, they placed him ne?t to the great horse his riend, rubbed him do!n, currycombed him, laid clean stra! under him up to the chin, and there he lay at rack and manger, the irst stu ed !ith s!eet hay, the latter !ith oatsE !hich !hen the horse's "alet$dear$chambre si ted, he clapped do!n his lugs, to tell them by signs that he could eat it but too !ell !ithout si ting, and that he did not deser"e so great an honour. ;hen they had !ell ed, >uoth the horse to the assE ;ell, poor ass, ho! is it !ith thee no!K (o! dost thou like this areK Thou !ert so nice at irst, a body had much ado to get thee hither. By the ig, ans!ered the ass, !hich, one o our ancestors eating, Philemon died laughing, this is all sheer ambrosia, good +ir Grandpa!E but !hat !ould you ha"e an ass sayK <ethinks all this is yet but hal cheer. )on't your !orships here no! and then use to take a leapK ;hat leaping dost thou meanK asked the horseE the de"il leap theeL dost thou take me or an assK 5n troth, +ir Grandpa!, >uoth the ass, 5 am some!hat o a blockhead, you kno!, and cannot, or the heart's blood o me, learn so ast the court !ay o speaking o you gentlemen horsesE 5 mean, don't you stallioniHe it sometimes here among your mettled illiesK Tush, !hispered the horse, speak lo!erE or, by Bucephalus, i the grooms but hear thee they !ill maul and belam thee thrice and three old, so that thou !ilt ha"e but little stomach to a leaping bout. Cod so, man, !e dare not so much as gro! sti at the tip o the lo!ermost snout, though it !ere but to leak or so, or ear o being jerked and paid out o our lechery. *s or anything else, !e are as happy as our master, and perhaps more. By this packsaddle, my old ac>uaintance,

>uoth the ass, 5 ha"e done !ith youE a art or thy litter and hay, and a art or thy oatsE gi"e me the thistles o our ields, since there !e leap !hen !e list. 1at less, and leap more, 5 sayE it is meat, drink, and cloth to us. *hL riend Grandpa!, it !ould do thy heart good to see us at a air, !hen !e hold our pro"incial chapterL 'hL ho! !e leap it, !hile our mistresses are selling their goslings and other poultryL ;ith this they parted. )i?iE 5 ha"e done. Panurge then held his peace. Pantagruel !ould ha"e had him to ha"e gone on to the end o the chapterE but *edituus said, * !ord to the !ise is enoughE 5 can pick out the meaning o that able, and kno! !ho is that ass, and !ho the horseE but you are a bash ul youth, 5 percei"e. ;ell, kno! that there's nothing or you hereE scatter no !ords. #et, returned Panurge, 5 sa! but e"en no! a pretty kind o a cooing abbess$kite as !hite as a do"e, and her 5 had rather ride than lead. <ay 5 ne"er stir i she is not a dainty bit, and "ery !ell !orth a sin or t!o. (ea"en orgi"e meL 5 meant no more harm in it than youE may the harm 5 meant in it be all me presently.

Chapter B.=555. (o! !ith much ado !e got a sight o the pope$ha!k. 'ur junketting and ban>ueting held on at the same rate the third day as the t!o ormer. Pantagruel then earnestly desired to see the pope$ha!kE but *edituus told him it !as not such an easy matter to get a sight o him. (o!, asked Pantagruel, has he Plato's helmet on his cro!n, Gyges's ring on his pounces, or a chameleon on his breast, to make him in"isible !hen he pleasesK 9o, sir, returned *edituusE but he is naturally o pretty di icult access. (o!e"er, 5'll see and take care that you may see him, i possible. ;ith this he le t us piddlingE then !ithin a >uarter o an hour came back, and told us the pope$ha!k is no! to be seen. +o he led us, !ithout the least noise, directly to the cage !herein he sat drooping, !ith his eathers staring about him, attended by a brace o little cardin$ha!ks and si? lusty usty bish$ha!ks. Panurge stared at him like a dead pig, e?amining e?actly his igure, siHe, and motions. Then !ith a loud "oice he said, * curse light on the hatcher o the ill birdE o' my !ord, this is a ilthy !hoop$hooper. Tush, speak so tly, said *edituusE by G$$, he has a pair o ears, as ormerly <ichael de <atiscones remarked. ;hat thenK returned PanurgeE so hath a !hoopcat. +o, said *edituusE i he but hear you speak such another blasphemous !ord, you had as good be damned. )o you see that basin yonder in his cageK 'ut o it shall sally thunderbolts and lightnings, storms, bulls, and the de"il and all, that !ill sink you do!n to Peg Trantum's, an hundred athom under ground. 5t !ere better to drink and be merry, >uoth Friar 7ohn. Panurge !as still eeding his eyes !ith the sight o the pope$ha!k and his attendants, !hen some!here under his cage he percei"ed a madge$ho!let. ;ith this he cried out, By the de"il's maker, master, there's roguery in the caseE they put tricks upon tra"ellers here more than any!here else, and !ould make us belie"e that a t$$d's a sugarloa . ;hat damned coHening, gulling, and coney$catching ha"e !e hereL )o you see this madge$ho!letK By <iner"a, !e are all beshit. 'dsoons, said *edituus, speak so tly, 5 tell you. 5t is no madge$ho!let, no she$thing on my honest !ordE but a

male, and a noble bird. <ay !e not hear the pope$ha!k singK asked Pantagruel. 5 dare not promise that, returned *edituusE or he only sings and eats at his o!n hours. +o don't 5, >uoth PanurgeE poor pilgarlic is ain to make e"erybody's time his o!nE i they ha"e time, 5 ind time. Come, then, let us go drink, i you !ill. 9o! this is something like a tansy, said *edituusE you begin to talk some!hat likeE still speak in that ashion, and 5'll secure you rom being thought a heretic. Come on, 5 am o your mind. *s !e !ent back to ha"e t'other uddling bout, !e spied an old green$headed bish$ha!k, !ho sat moping !ith his mate and three jolly bittern attendants, all snoring under an arbour. 9ear the old cu stood a bu?om abbess$kite that sung like any linnetE and !e !ere so mightily tickled !ith her singing that 5 "o! and s!ear !e could ha"e !ished all our members but one turned into ears, to ha"e had more o the melody. Juoth Panurge, This pretty cherubim o cherubims is here breaking her head !ith chanting to this huge, at, ugly ace, !ho lies grunting all the !hile like a hog as he is. 5 !ill make him change his note presently, in the de"il's name. ;ith this he rang a bell that hung o"er the bish$ha!k's headE but though he rang and rang again, the de"il a bit bish$ha!k !ould hearE the louder the sound, the louder his snoring. There !as no making him sing. By G$$, >uoth Panurge, you old buHHard, i you !on't sing by air means, you shall by oul. (a"ing said this, he took up one o +t. +tephen's loa"es, alias a stone, and !as going to hit him !ith it about the middle. But *edituus cried to him, (old, hold, honest riendL strike, !ound, poison, kill, and murder all the kings and princes in the !orld, by treachery or ho! thou !ilt, and as soon as thou !ouldst unnestle the angels rom their cocklo t. Pope$ha!k !ill pardon thee all this. But ne"er be so mad as to meddle !ith these sacred birds, as much as thou lo"est the pro it, !el are, and li e not only o thysel , and thy riends and relations ali"e or dead, but also o those that may be born herea ter to the thousandth generationE or so long thou !ouldst entail misery upon them. )o but look upon that basin. CatsoL let us rather drink, then, >uoth Panurge. (e that spoke last, spoke !ell, <r. *ntitus, >uoth Friar 7ohnE !hile !e are looking on these de"ilish birds !e do nothing but blasphemeE and !hile !e are taking a cup !e do nothing but praise God. Come on, then, let's go drinkE ho! !ell that !ord soundsL The third day @a ter !e had drank, as you must understandD *edituus dismissed us. ;e made him a present o a pretty little Perguois kni e, !hich he took more kindly than *rta?er?es did the cup o cold !ater that !as gi"en him by a clo!n. (e most courteously thanked us, and sent all sorts o pro"isions aboard our ships, !ished us a prosperous "oyage and success in our undertakings, and made us promise and s!ear by 7upiter o stone to come back by his territories. Finally he said to us, Friends, pray note that there are many more stones in the !orld than menE take care you don't orget it.

Chapter B.5I. (o! !e arri"ed at the island o Tools. (a"ing !ell ballasted the holds o our human "essels, !e !eighed anchor, hoised up sail, sto!ed the boats, set the land, and stood or the o ing

!ith a air loom gale, and or more haste unpareled the miHen$yard, and launched it and the sail o"er the lee$>uarter, and itted gy"es to keep it steady, and boomed it outE so in three days !e made the island o Tools, that is altogether uninhabited. ;e sa! there a great number o trees !hich bore mattocks, picka?es, cro!s, !eeding$hooks, scythes, sickles, spades, tro!els, hatchets, hedging$bills, sa!s, adHes, bills, a?es, shears, pincers, bolts, piercers, augers, and !imbles. 'thers bore dags, daggers, poniards, bayonets, s>uare$bladed tucks, stilettoes, poniardoes, skeans, penkni"es, puncheons, bodkins, s!ords, rapiers, back$s!ords, cutlasses, scimitars, hangers, alchions, glai"es, raillons, !hittles, and !hinyards. ;hoe"er !ould ha"e any o these needed but to shake the tree, and immediately they dropped do!n as thick as hops, like so many ripe plumsE nay, !hat's more, they ell on a kind o grass called scabbard, and sheathed themsel"es in it cle"erly. But !hen they came do!n, there !as need o taking care lest they happened to touch the head, eet, or other parts o the body. For they ell !ith the point do!n!ards, and in they stuck, or slit the continuum o some member, or lopped it o like a t!igE either o !hich generally !as enough to ha"e killed a man, though he !ere a hundred years old, and !orth as many thousand spankers, spur$royals, and rose$nobles. 8nder some other trees, !hose names 5 cannot justly tell you, 5 sa! some certain sorts o !eeds that gre! and sprouted like pikes, lances, ja"elins, ja"elots, darts, dartlets, halberds, boar$spears, eel$spears, partiHans, tridents, prongs, trout$sta"es, spears, hal $pikes, and hunting$sta"es. *s they sprouted up and chanced to touch the tree, straight they met !ith their heads, points, and blades, each suitable to its kind, made ready or them by the trees o"er them, as soon as e"ery indi"idual !ood !as gro!n up, it or its steelE e"en like the children's coats, that are made or them as soon as they can !ear them and you !ean them o their s!addling clothes. 9or do you mutter, 5 pray you, at !hat Plato, *na?agoras, and )emocritus ha"e said. 'ds$ ishL they !ere none o your lo!er$ orm gimcracks, !ere theyK Those trees seemed to us terrestrial animals, in no !ise so di erent rom brute beasts as not to ha"e skin, at, lesh, "eins, arteries, ligaments, ner"es, cartilages, kernels, bones, marro!, humours, matrices, brains, and articulationsE or they certainly ha"e some, since Theophrastus !ill ha"e it so. But in this point they di ered rom other animals, that their heads, that is, the part o their trunks ne?t to the root, are do!n!ardsE their hair, that is, their roots, in the earthE and their eet, that is, their branches, upside do!nE as i a man should stand on his head !ith outstretched legs. *nd as you, battered sinners, on !hom =enus has besto!ed something to remember her, eel the approach o rains, !inds, cold, and e"ery change o !eather, at your ischiatic legs and your omoplates, by means o the perpetual almanack !hich she has i?ed thereE so these trees ha"e notice gi"en them, by certain sensations !hich they ha"e at their roots, stocks, gums, paps, or marro!, o the gro!th o the sta"es under them, and accordingly they prepare suitable points and blades or them be orehand. #et as all things, e?cept God, are sometimes subject to error, nature itsel not ree rom it !hen it produceth monstrous things, like!ise 5 obser"ed something amiss in these trees. For a hal $pike that gre! up high enough to reach the branches o one o these instrumenti erous trees, happened no sooner to touch them but, instead o being joined to an

iron head, it impaled a stubbed broom at the undament. ;ell, no matter, 't!ill ser"e to s!eep the chimney. Thus a partiHan met !ith a pair o garden shears. Come, all's good or somethingE 't!ill ser"e to nip o little t!igs and destroy caterpillars. The sta o a halberd got the blade o a scythe, !hich made it look like a hermaphrodite. (appy$be$lucky, 'tis all a caseE 't!ill ser"e or some mo!er. 'h, 'tis a great blessing to put our trust in the %ordL *s !e !ent back to our ships 5 spied behind 5 don't kno! !hat bush, 5 don't kno! !hat olks, doing 5 don't kno! !hat business, in 5 don't kno! !hat posture, scouring 5 don't kno! !hat tools, in 5 don't kno! !hat manner, and 5 don't kno! !hat place.

Chapter B.I. (o! Pantagruel arri"ed at the island o +harping. ;e le t the island o Tools to pursue our "oyage, and the ne?t day stood in or the island o +harping, the true image o Fontainebleau, or the land is so "ery lean that the bones, that is, the rocks, shoot through its skin. Besides, 'tis sandy, barren, unhealthy, and unpleasant. 'ur pilot sho!ed us there t!o little s>uare rocks !hich had eight e>ual points in the shape o a cube. They !ere so !hite that 5 might ha"e mistaken them or alabaster or sno!, had he not assured us they !ere made o bone. (e told us that t!enty chance de"ils "ery much eared in our country d!elt there in si? di erent storeys, and that the biggest t!ins or braces o them !ere called si?es, and the smallest ambs$aceE the rest cin>ues, >uatres, treys, and deuces. ;hen they !ere conjured up, other!ise coupled, they !ere called either sice cin>ue, sice >uatre, sice trey, sice deuce, and sice aceE or cin>ue >uatre, cin>ue trey, and so orth. 5 made there a shre!d obser"ation. ;ould you kno! !hat 'tis, gamestersK 'Tis that there are "ery e! o you in the !orld but !hat call upon and in"oke the de"ils. For the dice are no sooner thro!n on the board, and the greedy gaHing sparks ha"e hardly said, T!o si?es, FrankE but +i? de"ils damn itL cry as many o them. 5 ambs$aceE then, * brace o de"ils broil meL !ill they say. Juatre$deuce, TomE The deuce take itL cries another. *nd so on to the end o the chapter. 9ay, they don't orget sometimes to call the black clo"en$ ooted gentlemen by their Christian names and surnamesE and !hat is stranger yet, they use them as their greatest cronies, and make them so o ten the e?ecutors o their !ills, not only gi"ing themsel"es, but e"erybody and e"erything, to the de"il, that there's no doubt but he takes care to seiHe, soon or late, !hat's so Healously be>ueathed him. 5ndeed, 'tis true %uci er does not al!ays immediately appear by his la! ul attorneysE but, alasL 'tis not or !ant o good!illE he is really to be e?cused or his delayE or !hat the de"il !ould you ha"e a de"il doK (e and his black guards are then at some other places, according to the priority o the persons that call on themE there ore, pray let none be so "enturesome as to think that the de"ils are dea and blind. (e then told us that more !recks had happened about those s>uare rocks, and a greater loss o body and goods, than about all the +yrtes, +cyllas and Charybdes, +irens, +trophades, and gul s in the uni"erse. 5 had not much ado to belie"e it, remembering that ormerly, among the !ise 1gyptians, 9eptune !as described in hieroglyphics or the irst cube, *pollo by an ace, )iana by a deuce, <iner"a by se"en, and so orth.

(e also told us that there !as a phial o sanc$greal, a most di"ine thing, and kno!n to a e!. Panurge did so s!eeten up the syndics o the place that they blessed us !ith the sight o 'tE but it !as !ith three times more pother and ado, !ith more ormalities and antic tricks, than they sho! the pandects o 7ustinian at Florence, or the holy =eronica at Rome. 5 ne"er sa! such a sight o lambeau?, torches, and hagios, sancti ied tapers, rush$lights, and arthing candles in my !hole li e. * ter all, that !hich !as sho!n us !as only the ill$ aced countenance o a roasted coney. *ll that !e sa! there !orth speaking o !as a good ace set upon an ill game, and the shells o the t!o eggs ormerly laid up and hatched by %eda, out o !hich came Castor and Pollu?, air (elen's brothers. These same syndics sold us a piece o 'em or a song, 5 mean, or a morsel o bread. Be ore !e !ent !e bought a parcel o hats and caps o the manu acture o the place, !hich, 5 ear, !ill turn to no "ery good accountE nor are those !ho shall take 'em o our hands more likely to commend their !earing.

Chapter B.I5. (o! !e passed through the !icket inhabited by Gripe$men$all, *rchduke o the Furred %a!$cats. From thence Condemnation !as passed by us. 'Tis another damned barren island, !hereat none or the !orld cared to touch. Then !e !ent through the !icketE but Pantagruel had no mind to bear us company, and 't!as !ell he did not, or !e !ere nabbed there, and clapped into lob's$pound by order o Gripe$men$all, *rchduke o the Furred %a!$cats, because one o our company !ould ha' put upon a sergeant some hats o the +harping 5sland. The Furred %a!$cats are most terrible and dread ul monsters, they de"our little children, and trample o"er marble stones. Pray tell me, noble topers, do they not deser"e to ha"e their snouts slitK The hair o their hides doesn't lie out!ard, but in!ards, and e"ery mother's son o 'em or his de"ice !ears a gaping pouch, but not all in the same mannerE or some !ear it tied to their neck scar !ise, others upon the breech, some on the paunch, others on the side, and all or a cause, !ith reason and mystery. They ha"e cla!s so "ery strong, long, and sharp that nothing can get rom 'em that is once ast bet!een their clutches. +ometimes they co"er their heads !ith mortar$like caps, at other times !ith morti ied caparisons. *s !e entered their den, said a common mumper, to !hom !e had gi"en hal a teston, ;orship ul culprits, God send you a good deli"eranceL 1?amine !ell, said he, the countenance o these stout props and pillars o this catch$coin la! and ini>uityE and pray obser"e, that i you still li"e but si? olympiads, and the age o t!o dogs more, you'll see these Furred %a!$cats lords o all 1urope, and in peace ul possession o all the estates and dominions belonging to itE unless, by di"ine pro"idence, !hat's got o"er the de"il's back is spent under his belly, or the goods !hich they unjustly get perish !ith their prodigal heirs. Take this rom an honest beggar. *mong 'em reigns the si?th essenceE by the means o !hich they gripe all, de"our all, conskite all, burn all, dra! all, hang all, >uarter all, behead all, murder all, imprison all, !aste all, and ruin all, !ithout the least notice o right or !rongE or among them "ice is called "irtueE !ickedness, pietyE treason, loyaltyE robbery, justice. Plunder is their motto, and

!hen acted by them is appro"ed by all men, e?cept the hereticsE and all this they do because they dareE their authority is so"ereign and irre ragable. For a sign o the truth o !hat 5 tell you, you'll ind that there the mangers are abo"e the racks. Remember herea ter that a ool told you thisE and i e"er plague, amine, !ar, ire, earth>uakes, inundations, or other judgments be all the !orld, do not attribute 'em to the aspects and conjunctions o the male"olent planetsE to the abuses o the court o Romania, or the tyranny o secular kings and princesE to the impostures o the alse Healots o the co!l, heretical bigots, alse prophets, and broachers o sectsE to the "illainy o griping usurers, clippers, and coinersE or to the ignorance, impudence, and imprudence o physicians, surgeons, and apothecariesE nor to the le!dness o adulteresses and destroyers o by$blo!sE but charge them all, !holly and solely, to the ine?pressible, incredible, and inestimable !ickedness and ruin !hich is continually hatched, bre!ed, and practised in the den or shop o those Furred %a!$cats. #et 'tis no more kno!n in the !orld than the cabala o the 7e!s, the more's the pityE and there ore 'tis not detested, chastised, and punished as 'tis it it should be. But should all their "illainy be once displayed in its true colours and e?posed to the people, there ne"er !as, is, nor !ill be any spokesman so s!eet$mouthed, !hose ine colloguing tongue could sa"e 'emE nor any la! so rigorous and draconic that could punish 'em as they deser"eE nor yet any magistrate so po!er ul as to hinder their being burnt ali"e in their coneyburro!s !ithout mercy. 1"en their o!n urred kittlings, riends, and relations !ould abominate 'em. For this reason, as (annibal !as solemnly s!orn by his ather *milcar to pursue the Romans !ith the utmost hatred as long as e"er he li"ed, so my late ather has enjoined me to remain here !ithout, till God *lmighty's thunder reduce them there !ithin to ashes, like other presumptuous Titans, pro ane !retches, and opposers o GodE since mankind is so inured to their oppressions that they either do not remember, oresee, or ha"e a sense o the !oes and miseries !hich they ha"e causedE or, i they ha"e, either !ill not, dare not, or cannot root 'em out. (o!, said Panurge, say you soK Catch me there and hang meL )amme, let's march o L This noble beggar has scared me !orse than thunder in autumn @<otteu? gi"es 'than the thunder !ould do them.'D. 8pon this !e !ere iling o E but, alasL !e ound oursel"es trapped$$the door !as double$locked and barricadoed. +ome messengers o ill ne!s told us it !as ull as easy to get in there as into hell, and no less hard to get out. *y, there indeed lay the di iculty, or there is no getting loose !ithout a pass and discharge in due course rom the bench. This or no other reason than because olks go easier out o a church than out o a sponging$house, and because they could not ha"e our company !hen they !ould. The !orst on't !as !hen !e got through the !icketE or !e !ere carried, to get out our pass or discharge, be ore a more dread ul monster than e"er !as read o in the legends o knight$errantry. They called him Gripe$men$all. 5 can't tell !hat to compare it to better than to a Chimaera, a +phin?, a CerberusE or to the image o 'siris, as the 1gyptians represented him, !ith three heads, one o a roaring lion, t'other o a a!ning cur, and the last o a ho!ling, pro!ling !ol , t!isted about !ith a dragon biting his tail, surrounded !ith iery rays. (is hands !ere ull o gore, his talons like those o the harpies, his snout like a ha!k's bill, his angs or tusks like those o an o"ergro!n brindled !ild boarE his eyes !ere laming like the ja!s o hell, all co"ered !ith mortars interlaced !ith pestles, and nothing o his arms !as to be seen but his clutches. (is hutch, and that o the !arren$cats his collaterals, !as a long, spick$and$span ne! rack, a$top o !hich @as the

mumper told usD some large stately mangers !ere i?ed in the re"erse. '"er the chie seat !as the picture o an old !oman holding the case or scabbard o a sickle in her right hand, a pair o scales in her le t, !ith spectacles on her noseE the cups or scales o the balance !ere a pair o "el"et pouches, the one ull o bullion, !hich o"erpoised t'other, empty and long, hoisted higher than the middle o the beam. 5'm o opinion it !as the true e igies o 7ustice Gripe$men$allE ar di erent rom the institution o the ancient Thebans, !ho set up the statues o their dicasts !ithout hands, in marble, sil"er, or gold, according to their merit, e"en a ter their death. ;hen !e made our personal appearance be ore him, a sort o 5 don't kno! !hat men, all clothed !ith 5 don't kno! !hat bags and pouches, !ith long scrolls in their clutches, made us sit do!n upon a cricket @such as criminals sit on !hen tried in FranceD. Juoth Panurge to 'em, Good my lords, 5'm "ery !ell as 5 amE 5'd as lie stand, an't please you. Besides, this same stool is some!hat o the lo!est or a man that has ne! breeches and a short doublet. +it you do!n, said Gripe$men$all again, and look that you don't make the court bid you t!ice. 9o!, continued he, the earth shall immediately open its ja!s and s!allo! you up to >uick damnation i you don't ans!er as you should.

Chapter B.I55. (o! Gripe$men$all propounded a riddle to us. ;hen !e !ere sat, Gripe$men$all, in the middle o his urred cats, called to us in a hoarse dread ul "oice, ;ell, come on, gi"e me presently$$an ans!er. ;ell, come on, muttered Panurge bet!een his teeth, gi"e, gi"e me presently$$a com orting dram. (earken to the court, continued Gripe$men$all. *n 1nigma. * young tight thing, as air as may be, ;ithout a dad concei"ed a baby, *nd brought him orth !ithout the pother 5n labour made by teeming mother. #et the cursed brat eared not to gripe her, But gna!ed, or haste, her sides like "iper. Then the black upstart boldly sallies, *nd !alks and lies o'er hills and "alleys. <any antastic sons o !isdom, *maHed, oresa! their o!n in his doomE *nd thought like an old Grecian noddy, * human spirit mo"ed his body. Gi"e, gi"e me out o hand$$an ans!er to this riddle, >uoth Gripe$men$all. Gi"e, gi"e me$$lea"e to tell you, good, good my lord, ans!ered Panurge, that i 5 had but a sphin? at home, as =erres one o your precursors had, 5 might then sol"e your enigma presently. But "erily, good my lord, 5 !as not thereE and, as 5 hope to be sa"ed, am as innocent in the matter as the child unborn. Foh, gi"e me$$a better ans!er, cried Gripe$men$allE or, by gold, this shall not ser"e your turn. 5'll not be paid in such coinE i you ha"e nothing better to o er, 5'll let your rascalship kno! that it had been better or you to ha"e allen into %uci er's o!n clutches than into

ours. )ost thou see 'em here, sirrahK hahK and dost thou prate here o thy being innocent, as i thou couldst be deli"ered rom our racks and tortures or being soK Gi"e me$$PatienceL thou !idgeon. 'ur la!s are like cob!ebsE your silly little lies are stopped, caught, and destroyed therein, but your stronger ones break them, and orce and carry them !hich !ay they please. %ike!ise, don't think !e are so mad as to set up our nets to snap up your great robbers and tyrants. 9o, they are some!hat too hard or us, there's no meddling !ith themE or they !ould make no more o us than !e make o the little ones. But you paltry, silly, innocent !retches must make us amendsE and, by gold, !e !ill innocentiHe your opship !ith a !annion, you ne"er !ere so innocentiHed in your daysE the de"il shall sing mass among ye. Friar 7ohn, hearing him run on at that mad rate, had no longer the po!er to remain silent, but cried to him, (eigh$dayL Prithee, <r. )e"il in a coi , !ouldst thou ha"e a man tell thee more than he kno!sK (asn't the ello! told you he does not kno! a !ord o the businessK (is name is T!y ord. * plague rot youL !on't truth ser"e your turnsK ;hy, ho! no!, <r. Prate$apace, cried Gripe$men$all, taking him short, marry come up, !ho made you so saucy as to open your lips be ore you !ere spoken toK Gi"e me $$PatienceL By goldL this is the irst time since 5 ha"e reigned that anyone has had the impudence to speak be ore he !as bidden. (o! came this mad ello! to break looseK @=illain, thou liest, said Friar 7ohn, !ithout stirring his lips.D +irrah, sirrah, continued Gripe$men$all, 5 doubt thou !ilt ha"e business enough on thy hands !hen it comes to thy turn to ans!er. @)amme, thou liest, said Friar 7ohn, silently.D )ost thou think, continued my lord, thou art in the !ilderness o your oolish uni"ersity, !rangling and ba!ling among the idle, !andering searchers and hunters a ter truthK By gold, !e ha"e here other ish to ryE !e go another gate's$!ay to !ork, that !e do. By gold, people here must gi"e categorical ans!ers to !hat they don't kno!. By gold, they must con ess they ha"e done those things !hich they ha"e not nor ought to ha"e done. By gold, they must protest that they kno! !hat they ne"er kne! in their li"esE and, a ter all, patience per orce must be their only remedy, as !ell as a mad dog's. (ere silly geese are plucked, yet cackle not. +irrah, gi"e me$$an account !hether you had a letter o attorney, or !hether you !ere eed or no, that you o ered to ba!l in another man's causeK 5 see you had no authority to speak, and 5 may chance to ha"e you !ed to something you !on't like. 'h, you de"ils, cried Friar 7ohn, proto$de"ils, panto$de"ils, you !ould !ed a monk, !ould youK (o huL ho huL * hereticL a hereticL 5'll gi"e thee out or a rank heretic.

Chapter B.I555. (o! Panurge sol"ed Gripe$men$all's riddle. Gripe$men$all, as i he had not heard !hat Friar 7ohn said, directed his discourse to Panurge, saying to him, ;ell, !hat ha"e you to say or yoursel , <r. Rogue$enough, hahK Gi"e, gi"e me out o hand$$an ans!er. +ayK >uoth PanurgeE !hy, !hat !ould you ha"e me sayK 5 say that !e are damnably beshit, since you gi"e no heed at all to the e>uity o the plea, and the de"il sings among you. %et this ans!er ser"e or all, 5 beseech you, and let us go out about our businessE 5 am no longer able to hold out, as gad shall judge me. Go to, go to, cried Gripe$men$allE !hen did you e"er hear that or these

three hundred years last past anybody e"er got out o this !eel !ithout lea"ing something o his behind himK 9o, no, get out o the trap i you can !ithout losing leather, li e, or at least some hair, and you !ill ha"e done more than e"er !as done yet. For !hy, this !ould bring the !isdom o the court into >uestion, as i !e had took you up or nothing, and dealt !rong ully by you. ;ell, by hook or by crook, !e must ha"e something out o you. %ook ye, it is a olly to make a rout or a art and adoE one !ord is as good as t!enty. 5 ha"e no more to say to thee, but that, as thou likest thy ormer entertainment, thou !ilt tell me more o the ne?tE or it !ill go ten times !orse !ith thee unless, by gold, you gi"e me$$a solution to the riddle 5 propounded. Gi"e, gi"e$$it, !ithout any more ado. By gold, >uoth Panurge, 'tis a black mite or !ee"il !hich is born o a !hite bean, and sallies out at the hole !hich he makes gna!ing itE the mite being turned into a kind o ly, sometimes !alks and sometimes lies o"er hills and dales. 9o! Pythagoras, the philosopher, and his sect, besides many others, !ondering at its birth in such a place @!hich makes some argue or e>ui"ocal generationD, thought that by a metempsychosis the body o that insect !as the lodging o a human soul. 9o!, !ere you men here, a ter your !elcomed death, according to his opinion, your souls !ould most certainly enter into the body o mites or !ee"ilsE or in your present state o li e you are good or nothing in the !orld but to gna!, bite, eat, and de"our all things, so in the ne?t you'll e'en gna! and de"our your mother's "ery sides, as the "ipers do. 9o!, by gold, 5 think 5 ha"e airly sol"ed and resol"ed your riddle. <ay my bauble be turned into a nutcracker, >uoth Friar 7ohn, i 5 could not almost ind in my heart to !ish that !hat comes out at my bunghole !ere beans, that these e"il !ee"ils might eed as they deser"e. Panurge then, !ithout any more ado, thre! a large leathern purse stu ed !ith gold cro!ns @ecus au soleilD among them. The Furred %a!$cats no sooner heard the jingling o the chink but they all began to bestir their cla!s, like a parcel o iddlers running a di"isionE and then ell to't, s>uimble, s>uamble, catch that catch can. They all said aloud, These are the ees, these are the glo"esE no!, this is some!hat like a tansy. 'hL 't!as a pretty trial, a s!eet trial, a dainty trial. '' my !ord, they did not star"e the cause. These are none o your sni"elling orma pauperis'sE no, they are noble clients, gentlemen e"ery inch o them. By gold, it is gold, >uoth Panurge, good old gold, 5'll assure you. +aith Gripe$men$all, The court, upon a ull hearing @o the gold, >uoth PanurgeD, and !eighty reasons gi"en, inds the prisoners not guilty, and accordingly orders them to be discharged out o custody, paying their ees. 9o!, gentlemen, proceed, go or!ards, said he to usE !e ha"e not so much o the de"il in us as !e ha"e o his hueE though !e are stout, !e are merci ul. *s !e came out at the !icket, !e !ere conducted to the port by a detachment o certain highland gri ins, scribere cum dashoes, !ho ad"ised us be ore !e came to our ships not to o er to lea"e the place until !e had made the usual presents, irst to the %ady Gripe$men$all, then to all the Furred %a!$pussesE other!ise !e must return to the place rom !hence !e came. ;ell, !ell, said Friar 7ohn, !e'll umble in our obs, e?amine e"ery one o us his concern, and e'en gi"e the !omen their dueE !e'll ne'er boggle or stick out on that accountE as !e tickled the men in the palm, !e'll tickle

the !omen in the right place. Pray, gentlemen, added they, don't orget to lea"e some!hat behind you or us poor de"ils to drink your healths. ' la!dL ne"er ear, ans!ered Friar 7ohn, 5 don't remember that 5 e"er !ent any!here yet !here the poor de"ils are not remembered and encouraged.

Chapter B.I5=. (o! the Furred %a!$cats li"e on corruption. Friar 7ohn had hardly said those !ords ere he percei"ed se"enty$eight galleys and rigates just arri"ing at the port. +o he hied him thither to learn some ne!sE and as he asked !hat goods they had o' board, he soon ound that their !hole cargo !as "enison, hares, capons, turkeys, pigs, s!ine, bacon, kids, cal"es, hens, ducks, teals, geese, and other poultry and !ild o!l. (e also spied among these some pieces o "el"et, satin, and damask. This made him ask the ne!$comers !hither and to !hom they !ere going to carry those dainty goods. They ans!ered that they !ere or Gripe$men$all and the Furred %a!$cats. Pray, asked he, !hat is the true name o all these things in your country languageK Corruption, they replied. 5 they li"e on corruption, said the riar, they !ill perish !ith their generation. <ay the de"il be damned, 5 ha"e it no!& their athers de"oured the good gentlemen !ho, according to their state o li e, used to go much a$hunting and ha!king, to be the better inured to toil in time o !arE or hunting is an image o a martial li e, and Ienophon !as much in the right o it !hen he a irmed that hunting had yielded a great number o e?cellent !arriors, as !ell as the Trojan horse. For my part, 5 am no scholarE 5 ha"e it but by hearsay, yet 5 belie"e it. 9o! the souls o those bra"e ello!s, according to Gripe$men$all's riddle, a ter their decease enter into !ild boars, stags, roebucks, herns, and such other creatures !hich they lo"ed, and in >uest o !hich they !ent !hile they !ere menE and these Furred %a!$cats, ha"ing irst destroyed and de"oured their castles, lands, demesnes, possessions, rents, and re"enues, are still seeking to ha"e their blood and soul in another li e. ;hat an honest ello! !as that same mumper !ho had ore!arned us o all these things, and bid us take notice o the mangers abo"e the racksL But, said Panurge to the ne!$comers, ho! do you come by all this "enisonK <ethinks the great king has issued out a proclamation strictly inhibiting the destroying o stags, does, !ild boars, roebucks, or other royal game, on pain o death. *ll this is true enough, ans!ered one or the rest, but the great king is so good and gracious, you must kno!, and these Furred %a!$cats so curst and cruel, so mad, and thirsting a ter Christian blood, that !e ha"e less cause to ear in trespassing against that mighty so"ereign's commands than reason to hope to li"e i !e do not continually stop the mouths o these Furred %a!$cats !ith such bribes and corruption. Besides, added he, to$morro! Gripe$men$all marries a urred la!$puss o his to a high and mighty double$ urred la!$tybert. Formerly !e used to call them chop$hayE but alasL they are not such neat creatures no! as to eat any, or che! the cud. ;e call them chop$hares, chop$partridges, chop$!oodcocks, chop$pheasants, chop$pullets, chop$"enison, chop$coneys, chop$pigs, or they scorn to eed on coarser meat. * t$$d or their chops,

cried Friar 7ohn, ne?t year !e'll ha"e 'em called chop$dung, chop$stront, chop$ ilth. ;ould you take my ad"iceK added he to the company. ;hat is itK ans!ered !e. %et's do t!o things, returned he. First, let us secure all this "enison and !ild o!l$$5 mean, paying !ell or themE or my part, 5 am but too much tired already !ith our salt meat, it heats my lanks so horribly. 5n the ne?t place, let's go back to the !icket, and destroy all these de"ilish Furred %a!$cats. For my part, >uoth Panurge, 5 kno! better thingsE catch me there, and hang me. 9o, 5 am some!hat more inclined to be ear ul than boldE 5 lo"e to sleep in a !hole skin.

Chapter B.I=. (o! Friar 7ohn talks o rooting out the Furred %a!$cats. =irtue o the rock, >uoth Friar 7ohn, !hat kind o "oyage are !e makingK * shitten one, o' my !ordE the de"il o anything !e do but iHHling, arting, unking, s>uattering, doHing, ra"ing, and doing nothing. 'ds$belly, 'tisn't in my nature to lie idleE 5 mortally hate it. 8nless 5 am doing some heroic eat e"ery oot, 5 can't sleep one !ink o' nights. )amn it, did you then take me along !ith you or your chaplain, to sing mass and shri"e youK By <aundy Thursday, the irst o ye all that comes to me on such an account shall be ittedE or the only penance 5'll enjoin shall be, that he immediately thro! himsel headlong o"erboard into the sea like a base co!hearted son o ten athers. This in deduction o the pains o purgatory. ;hat made (ercules such a amous ello!, d'ye thinkK 9othing but that !hile he tra"elled he still made it his business to rid the !orld o tyrannies, errors, dangers, and drudgeriesE he still put to death all robbers, all monsters, all "enomous serpents and hurt ul creatures. ;hy then do !e not ollo! his e?ample, doing as he did in the countries through !hich !e passK (e destroyed the +tymphalides, the %ernaean hydra, Cacus, *ntheus, the Centaurs, and !hat notE 5 am no clericus, those that are such tell me so. 5n imitation o that noble by$blo!, let's destroy and root out these !icked Furred %a!$cats, that are a kind o ra"enous de"ilsE thus !e shall remo"e all manner o tyranny out o the land. <a!met's tutor s!allo! me body and soul, tripes and guts, i 5 !ould stay to ask your help or ad"ice in the matter !ere 5 but as strong as he !as. Come, he that !ould be thought a gentleman, let him storm a to!nE !ell, then, shall !e goK 5 dare s!ear !e'll do their business or them !ith a !et ingerE they'll bear it, ne"er earE since they could s!allo! do!n more oul language that came rom us than ten so!s and their babies could s!ill hog!ash. )amn 'em, they don't "alue all the ill !ords or dishonour in the !orld at a rush, so they but get the coin into their purses, though they !ere to ha"e it in a shitten clout. Come, !e may chance to kill 'em all, as (ercules !ould ha"e done had they li"ed in his time. ;e only !ant to be set to !ork by another 1urystheus, and nothing else or the present, unless it be !hat 5 heartily !ish them, that 7upiter may gi"e 'em a short "isit, only some t!o or three hours long, and !alk among their lordships in the same e>uipage that attended him !hen he came last to his <iss +emele, jolly Bacchus's mother.

'Tis a "ery great mercy, >uoth Panurge, that you ha"e got out o their clutches. For my part, 5 ha"e no stomach to go there againE 5'm hardly come to mysel yet, so scared and appalled 5 !as. <y hair still stands up an end !hen 5 think on'tE and most damnably troubled 5 !as there, or three "ery !eighty reasons. First, because 5 !as troubled. +econdly, because 5 !as troubled. Thirdly and lastly, because 5 !as troubled. (earken to me a little on thy right side, Friar 7ohn, my le t cod, since thou'lt not hear at the other. ;hene"er the maggot bites thee to take a trip do!n to hell and "isit the tribunal o <inos, *eacus, Rhadamanthus, @and )is,D do but tell me, and 5'll be sure to bear thee company, and ne"er lea"e thee as long as my name's Panurge, but !ill !ade o"er *cheron, +ty?, and Cocytus, drink !hole bumpers o %ethe's !ater$$though 5 mortally hate that element $$and e"en pay thy passage to that ba!ling, cross$grained erryman, Charon. But as or the damned !icket, i thou art so !eary o thy li e as to go thither again, thou mayst e'en look or somebody else to bear thee company, or 5'll not mo"e one step that !ayE e'en rest satis ied !ith this positi"e ans!er. By my good !ill 5'll not stir a oot to go thither as long as 5 li"e, any more than Calpe !ill come o"er to *byla @(ere <otteu? adds the ollo!ing note& 'Calpe is a mountain in +pain that aces another, called *byla, in <auritania, both said to ha"e been se"ered by (ercules.'D. ;as 8lysses so mad as to go back into the Cyclop's ca"e to etch his s!ordK 9o, marry !as he not. 9o! 5 ha"e le t nothing behind me at the !icket through orget ulnessE !hy then should 5 think o going thitherK ;ell, >uoth Friar 7ohn, as good sit still as rise up and allE !hat cannot be cured must be endured. But, prithee, let's hear one another speak. Come, !ert thou not a !ise doctor to ling a!ay a !hole purse o gold on those mangy scoundrelsK (aL * s>uinsy choke theeL !e !ere too rich, !ere !eK (ad it not been enough to ha"e thro!n the hell$hounds a e! cropped pieces o !hite cashK (o! could 5 help itK returned Panurge. )id you not see ho! Gripe$men$all held his gaping "el"et pouch, and e"ery moment roared and bello!ed, By gold, gi"e me out o handE by gold, gi"e, gi"e, gi"e me presentlyK 9o!, thought 5 to mysel , !e shall ne"er come o scot$ ree. 5'll e'en stop their mouths !ith gold, that the !icket may be opened, and !e may get outE the sooner the better. *nd 5 judged that lousy sil"er !ould not do the businessE or, d'ye see, "el"et pouches do not use to gape or little paltry clipt sil"er and small cashE no, they are made or gold, my riend 7ohnE that they are, my dainty cod. *hL !hen thou hast been larded, basted, and roasted, as 5 !as, thou !ilt hardly talk at this rate, 5 doubt. But no! !hat is to be doneK ;e are enjoined by them to go or!ards. The scabby slabberdegullions still !aited or us at the port, e?pecting to be greased in the ist as !ell as their masters. 9o! !hen they percei"ed that !e !ere ready to put to sea, they came to Friar 7ohn and begged that !e !ould not orget to grati y the apparitors be ore !e !ent o , according to the assessment or the ees at our discharge. (ell and damnationL cried Friar 7ohnE are ye here still, ye bloodhounds, ye citing, scribbling imps o +atanK Rot you, am 5 not "e?ed enough already, but you must ha"e the impudence to come and plague me, ye scur"y ly$catchers youK By cob's$body, 5'll grati y your ru ianships as you deser"eE 5'll apparitoriHe you presently !ith a !annion, that 5 !ill. ;ith this, he lugged out his slashing cutlass, and in a mighty heat came out o the ship to cut the coHening "arlets into steaks, but they scampered a!ay and got out o sight in a trice.

(o!e"er, there !as some!hat more to do, or some o our sailors, ha"ing got lea"e o Pantagruel to go ashore !hile !e !ere had be ore Gripe$men$all, had been at a ta"ern near the ha"en to make much o themsel"es, and roar it, as seamen !ill do !hen they come into some port. 9o! 5 don't kno! !hether they had paid their reckoning to the ull or no, but, ho!e"er it !as, an old at hostess, meeting Friar 7ohn on the >uay, !as making a !oe ul complaint be ore a sergeant, son$in$la! to one o the urred la!$cats, and a brace o bums, his assistants. The riar, !ho did not much care to be tired !ith their impertinent prating, said to them, (arkee me, ye lubberly gnat$snappersL do ye presume to say that our seamen are not honest menK 5'll maintain they are, ye dotterels, and !ill pro"e it to your braHen aces, by justice$$5 mean, this trusty piece o cold iron by my side. ;ith this he lugged it out and lourished !ith it. The orlorn lobcocks soon sho!ed him their backs, betaking themsel"es to their heelsE but the old usty landlady kept her ground, s!earing like any butter$!hore that the tarpaulins !ere "ery honest cods, but that they only orgot to pay or the bed on !hich they had lain a ter dinner, and she asked i"epence, French money, or the said bed. <ay 5 ne"er sup, said the riar, i it be not dog$cheapE they are sorry guests and unkind customers, that they areE they do not kno! !hen they ha"e a penny!orth, and !ill not al!ays meet !ith such bargains. Come, 5 mysel !ill pay you the money, but 5 !ould !illingly see it irst. The hostess immediately took him home !ith her, and sho!ed him the bed, and ha"ing praised it or all its good >uali ications, said that she thought as times !ent she !as not out o the !ay in asking i"epence or it. Friar 7ohn then ga"e her the i"epenceE and she no sooner turned her back but he presently began to rip up the ticking o the eather$bed and bolster, and thre! all the eathers out at the !indo!. 5n the meantime the old hag came do!n and roared out or help, crying out murder to set all the neighbourhood in an uproar. #et she also ell to gathering the eathers that le! up and do!n in the air, being scattered by the !ind. Friar 7ohn let her ba!l on, and, !ithout any urther ado, marched o !ith the blanket, >uilt, and both the sheets, !hich he brought aboard undisco"ered, or the air !as darkened !ith the eathers, as it uses sometimes to be !ith sno!. (e ga"e them a!ay to the sailorsE then said to Pantagruel that beds !ere much cheaper at that place than in Chinnonois, though !e ha"e there the amous geese o PautileE or the old beldam had asked him but i"epence or a bed !hich in Chinnonois had been !orth about t!el"e rancs. @*s soon as Friar 7ohn and the rest o the company !ere embarked, Pantagruel set sail. But there arose a south$east !ind, !hich ble! so "ehemently they lost their !ay, and in a manner going back to the country o the Furred %a!$cats, they entered into a huge gul , !here the sea ran so high and terrible that the shipboy on the top o the mast cried out he again sa! the habitation o Gripe$men$allE upon !hich Panurge, rightened almost out o his !its, roared out, )ear master, in spite o the !ind and !a"es, change your course, and turn the ship's head about. ' my riend, let us come no more into that cursed country !here 5 le t my purse. +o the !ind carried them near an island, !here ho!e"er they did not dare at irst to land, but entered about a mile o . @<otteu? omitted this passage altogether in the edition o 3AF/. 5t !as restored by 'Hell in the edition o 3GC,.DD

Chapter B.I=5.

(o! Pantagruel came to the island o the *pede ers, or 5gnoramuses, !ith long cla!s and crooked pa!s, and o terrible ad"entures and monsters there. *s soon as !e had cast anchor and had moored the ship, the pinnace !as put o"er the ship's side and manned by the co?s!ain's cre!. ;hen the good Pantagruel had prayed publicly, and gi"en thanks to the %ord that had deli"ered him rom so great a danger, he stepped into it !ith his !hole company to go on shore, !hich !as no !ays di icult to do, or, as the sea !as calm and the !inds laid, they soon got to the cli s. ;hen they !ere set on shore, 1pistemon, !ho !as admiring the situation o the place and the strange shape o the rocks, disco"ered some o the nati"es. The irst he met had on a short purple go!n, a doublet cut in panes, like a +panish leather jerkin, hal slee"es o satin, and the upper part o them leather, a coi like a black pot tipped !ith tin. (e !as a good likely sort o a body, and his name, as !e heard a ter!ards, !as )ouble$ ee. 1pistemon asked him ho! they called those strange craggy rocks and deep "alleys. (e told them it !as a colony brought out o *ttorneyland, and called Process, and that i !e orded the ri"er some!hat urther beyond the rocks !e should come into the island o the *pede ers. By the memory o the decretals, said Friar 7ohn, tell us, 5 pray you, !hat you honest men here li"e onK Could not a man take a chirping bottle !ith you to taste your !ineK 5 can see nothing among you but parchment, ink$horns, and pens. ;e li"e on nothing else, returned )ouble$ eeE and all !ho li"e in this place must come through my hands. (o!, >uoth Panurge, are you a sha"er, thenK )o you leece 'emK *y, ay, their purse, ans!ered )ouble$ eeE nothing else. By the oot o Pharaoh, cried Panurge, the de"il a sou !ill you get o me. (o!e"er, s!eet sir, be so kind as to sho! an honest man the !ay to those *pede ers, or ignorant people, or 5 come rom the land o the learned, !here 5 did not learn o"er much. +till talking on, they got to the island o the *pede ers, or they !ere soon got o"er the ord. Pantagruel !as not a little taken up !ith admiring the structure and habitation o the people o the place. For they li"e in a s!ingeing !ine$press, i ty steps up to it. #ou must kno! there are some o all sorts, little, great, pri"ate, middle$siHed, and so orth. #ou go through a large peristyle, alias a long entry set about !ith pillars, in !hich you see, in a kind o landscape, the ruins o almost the !hole !orld, besides so many great robbers' gibbets, so many gallo!s and racks, that 'tis enough to right you out o your se"en senses. )ouble$ ee percei"ing that Pantagruel !as taken up !ith contemplating those things, %et us go urther, sir, said he to himE all this is nothing yet. 9othing, >uotha, cried Friar 7ohnE by the soul o my o"erheated codpiece, riend Panurge and 5 here shake and >ui"er or mere hunger. 5 had rather be drinking than staring at these ruins. Pray come along, sir, said )ouble$ ee. (e then led us into a little !ine$press that lay back!ards in a blind corner, and !as called Pithies in the language o the country. #ou need not ask !hether <aster 7ohn and Panurge made much o their s!eet sel"es thereE it is enough that 5 tell you there !as no !ant o Bolognia sausages, turkey poots, capons, bustards, malmsey, and all other sorts o good belly$timber, "ery !ell dressed. * pimping son o ten athers, !ho, or !ant o a better, did the o ice o a butler, seeing that Friar 7ohn had cast a sheep's eye at a choice bottle that stood near a cupboard by itsel , at some distance rom the rest o the bottellic magaHine, like a jack$in$an$o ice said to Pantagruel, +ir, 5 percei"e that one o your men here is making lo"e to this bottle. (e ogles it, and !ould ain caress itE but 5 beg that none o er to meddle !ith itE

or it is reser"ed or their !orships. (o!, cried Panurge, there are some grandees here then, 5 see. 5t is "intage time !ith you, 5 percei"e. Then )ouble$ ee led us up to a pri"ate staircase, and sho!ed us into a room, !hence, !ithout being seen, out at a loophole !e could see their !orships in the great !ine$press, !here none could be admitted !ithout their lea"e. Their !orships, as he called them, !ere about a score o usty crack$ropes and gallo!$clappers, or rather more, all posted be ore a bar, and staring at each other like so many dead pigs. Their pa!s !ere as long as a crane's oot, and their cla!s our$and$t!enty inches long at leastE or you must kno! they are enjoined ne"er to pare o the least chip o them, so that they gro! as crooked as a ;elsh hook or a hedging$bill. ;e sa! a s!ingeing bunch o grapes that are gathered and s>ueeHed in that country, brought in by them. *s soon as it !as laid do!n, they clapped it into the press, and there !as not a bit o it out o !hich each o them did not s>ueeHe some oil o goldE insomuch that the poor grape !as tried !ith a !itness, and brought o so drained and picked, and so dry, that there !as not the least moisture, juice, or substance le t in itE or they had pressed out its "ery >uintessence. )ouble$ ee told us they had not o ten such huge bunchesE but, let the !orst come to the !orst, they !ere sure ne"er to be !ithout others in their press. But hark you me, master o mine, asked Panurge, ha"e they not some o di erent gro!thK *y, marry ha"e they, >uoth )ouble$ ee. )o you see here this little bunch, to !hich they are going to gi"e t'other !renchK 5t is o tithe$gro!th, you must kno!E they crushed, !rung, s>ueeHed and strained out the "ery heart's blood o it but the other dayE but it did not bleed reelyE the oil came hard, and smelt o the priest's chestE so that they ound there !as not much good to be got out o it. ;hy then, said Pantagruel, do they put it again into the pressK 'nly, ans!ered )ouble$ ee, or ear there should still lurk some juice among the husks and hullings in the mother o the grape. The de"il be damnedL cried Friar 7ohnE do you call these same olks illiterate lobcocks and duncical doddipollsK <ay 5 be broiled like a red herring i 5 do not think they are !ise enough to skin a lint and dra! oil out o a brick !all. +o they are, said )ouble$ eeE or they sometimes put castles, parks, and orests into the press, and out o them all e?tract aurum potabile. #ou mean portabile, 5 suppose, cried 1pistemon, such as may be borne. 5 mean as 5 said, replied )ouble$ ee, potabile, such as may be drunkE or it makes them drink many a good bottle more than other!ise they should. But 5 cannot better satis y you as to the gro!th o the "ine$tree sirup that is here s>ueeHed out o grapes, than in desiring you to look yonder in that back$yard, !here you !ill see abo"e a thousand di erent gro!ths that lie !aiting to be s>ueeHed e"ery moment. (ere are some o the public and some o the pri"ate gro!thE some o the builders' orti ications, loans, gi ts, and gratuities, escheats, or eitures, ines, and reco"eries, penal statutes, cro!n lands, and demesne, pri"y purse, post$o ices, o erings, lordships o manors, and a !orld o other gro!ths, or !hich !e !ant names. Pray, >uoth 1pistemon, tell me o !hat gro!th is that great one, !ith all those little grapelings about it. 'h, ohL returned )ouble$ ee, that plump one is o the treasury, the "ery best gro!th in the !hole country. ;hene"er anyone o that gro!th is s>ueeHed, there is not one o their !orships but gets juice enough o it to soak his nose si? months together. ;hen their !orships !ere up, Pantagruel desired )ouble$ ee to take us into that great !ine$press, !hich he readily did. *s soon as !e !ere in,

1pistemon, !ho understood all sorts o tongues, began to sho! us many de"ices on the press, !hich !as large and ine, and made o the !ood o the cross$$at least )ouble$ ee told us so. 'n each part o it !ere names o e"erything in the language o the country. The spindle o the press !as called receiptE the trough, cost and damagesE the hole or the "ice$pin, stateE the side$boards, money paid into the o iceE the great beam, respite o homageE the branches, radieturE the side$beams, recupereturE the ats, ignoramusE the t!o$handled basket, the rollsE the treading$place, ac>uittanceE the dossers, "alidationE the panniers, authentic decreesE the pailes, potentialsE the unnels, >uietus est. By the Jueen o the Chitterlings, >uoth Panurge, all the hieroglyphics o 1gypt are mine a$$ to this jargon. ;hyL here are a parcel o !ords ull as analogous as chalk and cheese, or a cat and a cart$!heelL But !hy, prithee, dear )ouble$ ee, do they call these !orship ul dons o yours ignorant ello!sK 'nly, said )ouble$ ee, because they neither are, nor ought to be, clerks, and all must be ignorant as to !hat they transact hereE nor is there to be any other reason gi"en, but, The court hath said itE The court !ill ha"e it soE The court has decreed it. Cop's body, >uoth Pantagruel, they might ull as !ell ha"e called 'em necessityE or necessity has no la!. From thence, as he !as leading us to see a thousand little puny presses, !e spied another paltry bar, about !hich sat our are i"e ignorant !aspish churls, o so testy, uming a temper, @like an ass !ith s>uibs and crackers tied to its tail,D and so ready to take pepper in the nose or yea and nay, that a dog !ould not ha"e li"ed !ith 'em. They !ere hard at it !ith the lees and dregs o the grapes, !hich they gripped o"er and o"er again, might and main, !ith their clenched ists. They !ere called contractors in the language o the country. These are the ugliest, misshapen, grim$looking scrubs, said Friar 7ohn, that e"er !ere beheld, !ith or !ithout spectacles. Then !e passed by an in inite number o little pimping !ine$presses all ull o "intage$mongers, !ho !ere picking, e?amining, and raking the grapes !ith some instruments called bills$o $charge. Finally !e came into a hall do!nstairs, !here !e sa! an o"ergro!n cursed mangy cur !ith a pair o heads, a !ol 's belly, and cla!s like the de"il o hell. The son o a bitch !as ed !ith costs, or he li"ed on a multiplicity o ine amonds and amerciaments by order o their !orships, to each o !hom the monster !as !orth more than the best arm in the land. 5n their tongue o ignorance they called him T!o old. (is dam lay by him, and her hair and shape !as like her !help's, only she had our heads, t!o male and t!o emale, and her name !as Four old. +he !as certainly the most cursed and dangerous creature o the place, e?cept her grandam, !hich !e sa!, and had been kept locked up in a dungeon time out o mind, and her name !as Re using$o $ ees. Friar 7ohn, !ho had al!ays t!enty yards o gut ready empty to s!allo! a gallimau ry o la!yers, began to be some!hat out o humour, and desired Pantagruel to remember he had not dined, and bring )ouble$ ee along !ith him. +o a!ay !e !ent, and as !e marched out at the back$gate !hom should !e meet but an old piece o mortality in chains. (e !as hal ignorant and hal learned, like an hermaphrodite o +atan. The ello! !as all caparisoned !ith spectacles as a tortoise is !ith shells, and li"ed on nothing but a sort o ood !hich, in their gibberish, !as called appeals. Pantagruel asked )ouble$ ee o !hat breed !as that prothonotary, and !hat name they ga"e him. )ouble$ ee told us that time out o mind he had been

kept there in chains, to the great grie o their !orships, !ho star"ed him, and his name !as Re"ie!. By the pope's sancti ied t!o$pounders, cried Friar 7ohn, 5 do not much !onder at the meagre cheer !hich this old chu inds among their !orships. )o but look a little on the !eather$beaten scratch$toby, riend PanurgeE by the sacred tip o my co!l, 5'll lay i"e pounds to a haHel$nut the oul thie has the "ery looks o Gripe$me$no!. These same ello!s here, ignorant as they be, are as sharp and kno!ing as other olk. But !ere it my case, 5 !ould send him packing !ith a s>uib in his breech like a rogue as he is. By my oriental barnacles, >uoth Panurge, honest riar, thou art in the rightE or i !e but e?amine that treacherous Re"ie!'s ill$ a"oured phiH, !e ind that the ilthy snudge is yet more mischie"ous and ignorant than these ignorant !retches here, since they @honest duncesD grapple and glean !ith as little harm and pother as they can, !ithout any long iddle$cum$ arts or tantaliHing in the caseE nor do they dally and demur in your suit, but in t!o or three !ords, !hip$stitch, in a trice, they inish the "intage o the close, bating you all these damned tedious interlocutories, e?aminations, and appointments !hich ret to the heart's blood your urred la!$cats.

Chapter B.I=55. (o! !e !ent or!ards, and ho! Panurge had like to ha"e been killed. ;e put to sea that "ery moment, steering our course or!ards, and ga"e Pantagruel a ull account o our ad"entures, !hich so deeply struck him !ith compassion that he !rote some elegies on that subject to di"ert himsel during the "oyage. ;hen !e !ere sa e in the port !e took some re reshment, and took in resh !ater and !ood. The people o the place, !ho had the countenance o jolly ello!s and boon companions, !ere all o them or!ard olks, bloated and pu ed up !ith at. *nd !e sa! some !ho slashed and pinked their skins to open a passage to the at, that it might s!ell out at the slits and gashes !hich they madeE neither more nor less than the shit$breech ello!s in our country bepink and cut open their breeches that the ta ety on the inside may stand out and be pu ed up. They said that !hat they did !as not out o pride or ostentation, but because other!ise their skins !ould not hold them !ithout much pain. (a"ing thus slashed their skin, they used to gro! much bigger, like the young trees on !hose barks the gardeners make incisions that they may gro! the better. 9ear the ha"en there !as a ta"ern, !hich or!ards seemed "ery ine and stately. ;e repaired thither, and ound it illed !ith people o the or!ard nation, o all ages, se?es, and conditionsE so that !e thought some notable east or other !as getting ready, but !e !ere told that all that throng !ere in"ited to the bursting o mine host, !hich caused all his riends and relations to hasten thither. ;e did not understand that jargon, and there ore thought in that country by that bursting they meant some merry meeting or other, as !e do in ours by betrothing, !edding, groaning, christening, churching @o !omenD, shearing @o sheepD, reaping @o corn, or har"est$homeD, and many other junketting bouts that end in $ing. But !e soon heard that there !as no such matter in hand. The master o the house, you must kno!, had been a good ello! in his time,

lo"ed heartily to !ind up his bottom, to bang the pitcher, and lick his dish. (e used to be a "ery air s!allo!er o gra"y soup, a notable accountant in matter o hours, and his !hole li e !as one continual dinner, like mine host at Rouillac @in PerigordD. But no!, ha"ing arted out much at or ten years together, according to the custom o the country, he !as dra!ing to!ards his bursting hourE or neither the inner thin kell !here!ith the entrails are co"ered, nor his skin that had been jagged and mangled so many years, !ere able to hold and enclose his guts any longer, or hinder them rom orcing their !ay out. Pray, >uoth Panurge, is there no remedy, no help or the poor man, good peopleK ;hy don't you s!addle him round !ith good tight girths, or secure his natural tub !ith a strong sorb$apple$tree hoopK 9ay, !hy don't you iron$bind him, i needs beK This !ould keep the man rom lying out and bursting. The !ord !as not yet out o his mouth !hen !e heard something gi"e a loud report, as i a huge sturdy oak had been split in t!o. Then some o the neighbours told us that the bursting !as o"er, and that the clap or crack !hich !e heard !as the last art, and so there !as an end o mine host. This made me call to mind a saying o the "enerable abbot o Castilliers, the "ery same !ho ne"er cared to hump his chambermaids but !hen he !as in ponti icalibus. That pious person, being much dunned, teased, and importuned by his relations to resign his abbey in his old age, said and pro essed that he !ould not strip till he !as ready to go to bed, and that the last art !hich his re"erend paternity !as to utter should be the art o an abbot.

Chapter B.I=555. (o! our ships !ere stranded, and !e !ere relie"ed by some people that !ere subject to Jueen ;hims @>ui tenoient de la JuinteD. ;e !eighed and set sail !ith a merry !esterly gale. ;hen about se"en leagues o @t!enty$t!o milesD some gusts or scuds o !ind suddenly arose, and the !ind "eering and shi ting rom point to point, !as, as they say, like an old !oman's breech, at no certaintyE so !e irst got our starboard tacks aboard, and hauled o our lee$sheets. Then the gusts increased, and by its blo!ed all at once rom se"eral >uarters, yet !e neither settled nor braided up close our sails, but only let ly the sheets, not to go against the master o the ship's directionE and thus ha"ing let go amain, lest !e should spend our topsails, or the ship's >uick$side should lie in the !ater and she be o"erset, !e lay by and run adri tE that is, in a landloper's phrase, !e temporiHed it. For he assured us that, as these gusts and !hirl!inds !ould not do us much good, so they could not do us much harm, considering their easiness and pleasant stri e, as also the clearness o the sky and calmness o the current. +o that !e !ere to obser"e the philosopher's rule, bear and orbearE that is, trim, or go according to the time. (o!e"er, these !hirl!inds and gusts lasted so long that !e persuaded the master to let us go and lie at trie !ith our main courseE that is, to haul the tack aboard, the sheet close a t, the bo!line set up, and the helm tied close aboardE so, a ter a stormy gale o !ind, !e broke through the !hirl!ind. But it !as like alling into +cylla to a"oid Charybdis @out o the rying$pan into the ireD. For !e had not sailed a league ere our ships !ere stranded upon some sands such as are the lats o +t. <ai?ent.

*ll our company seemed mightily disturbed e?cept Friar 7ohn, !ho !as not a jot daunted, and !ith s!eet sugar$plum !ords com orted no! one and then another, gi"ing them hopes o speedy assistance rom abo"e, and telling them that he had seen Castor at the main$yardarm. 'hL that 5 !ere but no! ashore, cried Panurge, that is all 5 !ish or mysel at present, and that you !ho like the sea so !ell had each man o you t!o hundred thousand cro!ns. 5 !ould airly let you set up shop on these sands, and !ould get a at cal dressed and a hundred o aggots @i.e. bottles o !ineD cooled or you against you come ashore. 5 reely consent ne"er to mount a !i e, so you but set me ashore and mount me on a horse, that 5 may go home. 9o matter or a ser"ant, 5 !ill be contented to ser"e mysel E 5 am ne"er better treated than !hen 5 am !ithout a man. Faith, old Plautus !as in the right on't !hen he said the more ser"ants the more crossesE or such they are, e"en supposing they could !ant !hat they all ha"e but too much o , a tongue, that most busy, dangerous, and pernicious member o ser"ants. *ccordingly, 't!as or their sakes alone that the racks and tortures or con ession !ere in"ented, though some oreign ci"ilians in our time ha"e dra!n alogical and unreasonable conse>uences rom it. That "ery moment !e spied a sail that made to!ards us. ;hen it !as close by us, !e soon kne! !hat !as the lading o the ship and !ho !as aboard o her. +he !as ull reighted !ith drums. 5 !as ac>uainted !ith many o the passengers that came in her, !ho !ere most o 'em o good amiliesE among the rest (arry Cotiral, an old toast, !ho had got a s!inging ass's touch$tripe @penisD astened to his !aist, as the good !omen's beads are to their girdle. 5n his le t hand he held an old o"ergro!n greasy oul cap, such as your scald$pated ello!s !ear, and in the right a huge cabbage$stump. *s soon as he sa! me he !as o"erjoyed, and ba!led out to me, ;hat cheer, hoK (o! dost like me no!K Behold the true *lgamana @this he said sho!ing me the ass's tickle$giHHardD. This doctor's cap is my true eli?irE and this @continued he, shaking the cabbage$stump in his istD is lunaria major, you old noddy. 5 ha"e 'em, old boy, 5 ha"e 'emE !e'll make 'em !hen thou'rt come back. But pray, ather, said 5, !hence come youK ;hither are you boundK ;hat's your ladingK (a"e you smelt the salt deepK To these our >uestions he ans!ered, From Jueen ;himsE or TouraineE alchemyE to the "ery bottom. ;hom ha"e you got o' boardK said 5. +aid he, *strologers, ortune$tellers, alchemists, rhymers, poets, painters, projectors, mathematicians, !atchmakers, sing$songs, musicianers, and the de"il and all o others that are subject to Jueen ;hims @<otteu? gi"es the ollo!ing ootnote&$$'%a Juinte, This means a antastic (umour, <aggots, or a oolish Giddiness o BrainsE and also, a i th, or the Proportion o Fi"e in music, Nc.'D. They ha"e "ery air legible patents to sho! or't, as anybody may see. Panurge had no sooner heard this but he !as upon the high$rope, and began to rail at them like mad. ;hat o' de"il d'ye mean, cried he, to sit idly here like a pack o loitering sneaksbies, and see us stranded, !hile you may help us, and to! us o into the currentK * plague o' your !himsL you can make all things !hatsoe"er, they say, so much as good !eather and little childrenE yet !on't make haste to asten some ha!sers and cables, and get us o . 5 !as just coming to set you a loat, >uoth (arry CotiralE by Trismegistus, 5'll clear you in a trice. ;ith this he caused G,BC-,,3. huge drums to be unheaded on one side, and set that open side so that it aced the end o the streamers and pendantsE and ha"ing astened them to good tacklings and our ship's head to the stern o theirs, !ith cables astened to the bits

aba t the manger in the ship's loo , they to!ed us o ground at one pull so easily and pleasantly that you'd ha"e !ondered at it had you been there. For the dub$a$dub rattling o the drums, !ith the so t noise o the gra"el !hich murmuring disputed us our !ay, and the merry cheers and huHHas o the sailors, made an harmony almost as good as that o the hea"enly bodies !hen they roll and are !hirled round their spheres, !hich rattling o the celestial !heels Plato said he heard some nights in his sleep. ;e scorned to be behindhand !ith 'em in ci"ility, and grate ully ga"e 'em store o our sausages and chitterlings, !ith !hich !e illed their drumsE and !e !ere just a$hoisting t!o$and$si?ty hogsheads o !ine out o the hold, !hen t!o huge !hirlpools !ith great ury made to!ards their ship, spouting more !ater than is in the ri"er =ienne @=igenneD rom Chinon to +aumurE to make short, all their drums, all their sails, their concerns, and themsel"es !ere soused, and their "ery hose !ere !atered by the collar. Panurge !as so o"erjoyed, seeing this, and laughed so heartily, that he !as orced to hold his sides, and it set him into a it o the colic or t!o hours and more. 5 had a mind, >uoth he, to make the dogs drink, and those honest !hirlpools, egad, ha"e sa"ed me that labour and that cost. There's sauce or themE ariston men udor. ;ater is good, saith a poetE let 'em PindariHe upon't. They ne"er cared or resh !ater but to !ash their hands or their glasses. This good salt !ater !ill stand 'em in good stead or !ant o sal ammoniac and nitre in Geber's kitchen. ;e could not hold any urther discourse !ith 'emE or the ormer !hirl!ind hindered our ship rom eeling the helm. The pilot ad"ised us hence or!ards to let her run adri t and ollo! the stream, not busying oursel"es !ith anything, but making much o our carcasses. For our only !ay to arri"e sa e at the >ueendom o ;hims !as to trust to the !hirl!ind and be led by the current.

Chapter B.I5I. (o! !e arri"ed at the >ueendom o ;hims or 1ntelechy. ;e did as he directed us or about t!el"e hours, and on the third day the sky seemed to us some!hat clearer, and !e happily arri"ed at the port o <ateotechny, not ar distant rom Jueen ;hims, alias the Juintessence. ;e met ull butt on the >uay a great number o guards and other military men that garrisoned the arsenal, and !e !ere some!hat righted at irst because they made us all lay do!n our arms, and in a haughty manner asked us !hence !e came. Cousin, >uoth Panurge to him that asked the >uestion, !e are o Touraine, and come rom France, being ambitious o paying our respects to the %ady Juintessence and "isit this amous realm o 1ntelechy. ;hat do you sayK cried theyE do you call it 1ntelechy or 1ndelechyK Truly, truly, s!eet cousins, >uoth Panurge, !e are a silly sort o grout$headed lobcocks, an't please youE be so kind as to orgi"e us i !e chance to knock !ords out o joint. *s or anything else, !e are do!nright honest ello!s and true hearts.

;e ha"e not asked you this >uestion !ithout a cause, said theyE or a great number o others !ho ha"e passed this !ay rom your country o Touraine seemed as mere jolt$headed doddipolls as e"er !ere scored o'er the co?comb, yet spoke as correct as other olks. But there has been here rom other countries a pack o 5 kno! not !hat o"er!eening sel $conceited prigs, as moody as so many mules and as stout as any +cotch lairds, and nothing !ould ser"e these, orsooth, but they must !il ully !rangle and stand out against us at their comingE and much they got by it a ter all. Troth, !e e'en itted them and cla!ed 'em o !ith a "engeance, or all they looked so big and so grum. Pray tell me, does your time lie so hea"y upon you in your !orld that you do not kno! ho! to besto! it better than in thus impudently talking, disputing, and !riting o our so"ereign ladyK There !as much need that your Tully, the consul, should go and lea"e the care o his common!ealth to busy himsel idly about herE and a ter him your )iogenes %aertius, the biographer, and your Theodorus GaHa, the philosopher, and your *rgiropilus, the emperor, and your Bessario, the cardinal, and your Politian, the pedant, and your Budaeus, the judge, and your %ascaris, the ambassador, and the de"il and all o those you call lo"ers o !isdomE !hose number, it seems, !as not thought great enough already, but lately your +caliger, Bigot, Chambrier, Francis Fleury, and 5 cannot tell ho! many such other junior sneaking ly$blo!s must take upon 'em to increase it. * s>uinsy gripe the cod's$headed changelings at the s!allo! and eke at the co"er$!easelE !e shall make 'em$$But the deuce take 'emL @They latter the de"il here, and smoothi y his name, >uoth Panurge, bet!een his teeth.D #ou don't come here, continued the captain, to uphold 'em in their ollyE you ha"e no commission rom 'em to this e ectE !ell then, !e !ill talk no more on't. *ristotle, that irst o men and peerless pattern o all philosophy, !as our so"ereign lady's god ather, and !isely and properly ga"e her the name o 1ntelechy. (er true name then is 1ntelechy, and may he be in tail beshit, and entail a shit$a$bed aculty and nothing else on his amily, !ho dares call her by any other nameE or !hoe"er he is, he does her !rong, and is a "ery impudent person. #ou are heartily !elcome, gentlemen. ;ith this they colled and clipped us about the neck, !hich !as no small com ort to us, 5'll assure you. Panurge then !hispered me, Fello!$tra"eller, >uoth he, hast thou not been some!hat a raid this boutK * little, said 5. To tell you the truth o it, >uoth he, ne"er !ere the 1phraimites in a greater ear and >uandary !hen the Gileadites killed and dro!ned them or saying sibboleth instead o shibbolethE and among riends, let me tell you that perhaps there is not a man in the !hole country o Beauce but might easily ha"e stopped my bunghole !ith a cartload o hay. The captain a ter!ards took us to the >ueen's palace, leading us silently !ith great ormality. Pantagruel !ould ha"e said something to him, but the other, not being able to come up to his height, !ished or a ladder or a "ery long pair o stiltsE then said, Patience, i it !ere our so"ereign lady's !ill, !e !ould be as tall as youE !ell, !e shall !hen she pleases. 5n the irst galleries !e sa! great numbers o sick persons, di erently placed according to their maladies. The leprous !ere apartE those that !ere poisoned on one sideE those that had got the plague on anotherE those

that had the po? in the irst rank, and the rest accordingly.

Chapter B.II. (o! the Juintessence cured the sick !ith a song. The captain sho!ed us the >ueen, attended !ith her ladies and gentlemen, in the second gallery. +he looked young, though she !as at least eighteen hundred years old, and !as handsome, slender, and as ine as a >ueen, that is, as hands could make her. (e then said to us& 5t is not yet a it time to speak to the >ueenE be you but mind ul o her doings in the mean!hile. #ou ha"e kings in your !orld that antastically pretend to cure some certain diseases, as, or e?ample, scro ula or !ens, s!elled throats, nicknamed the king's e"il, and >uartan agues, only !ith a touchE no! our >ueen cures all manner o diseases !ithout so much as touching the sick, but barely !ith a song, according to the nature o the distemper. (e then sho!ed us a set o organs, and said that !hen it !as touched by her those miraculous cures !ere per ormed. The organ !as indeed the strangest that e"er eyes beheldE or the pipes !ere o cassia istula in the codE the top and cornice o guiacumE the bello!s o rhubarbE the pedas o turbith, and the cla"ier or keys o scammony. ;hile !e !ere e?amining this !onder ul ne! make o an organ, the leprous !ere brought in by her abstractors, spodiHators, masticators, pregustics, tabachins, chachanins, neemanins, rabrebans, nercins, roHuins, nebidins, tearins, segamions, perarons, chasinins, sarins, soteins, aboth, enilins, archasdarpenins, mebins, chabourins, and other o icers, or !hom 5 !ant namesE so she played 'em 5 don't kno! !hat sort o a tune or song, and they !ere all immediately cured. Then those !ho !ere poisoned !ere had in, and she had no sooner gi"en them a song but they began to ind a use or their legs, and up they got. Then came on the dea , the blind, and the dumb, and they too !ere restored to their lost aculties and senses !ith the same remedyE !hich did so strangely amaHe us @and not !ithout reason, 5 thinkD that do!n !e ell on our aces, remaining prostrate, like men ra"ished in ecstasy, and !ere not able to utter one !ord through the e?cess o our admiration, till she came, and ha"ing touched Pantagruel !ith a ine ragrant nosegay o !hite roses !hich she held in her hand, thus made us reco"er our senses and get up. Then she made us the ollo!ing speech in byssin !ords, such as Parisatis desired should be spoken to her son Cyrus, or at least o crimson alamode& The probity that scintilliHes in the super ices o your persons in orms my ratiocinating aculty, in a most stupendous manner, o the radiant "irtues latent !ithin the precious caskets and "entricles o your minds. For, contemplating the melli luous sua"ity o your thrice discreet re"erences, it is impossible not to be persuaded !ith acility that neither your a ections nor your intellects are "itiated !ith any de ect or pri"ation o liberal and e?alted sciences. Far rom it, all must judge that in you are lodged a cornucopia and encyclopaedia, an unmeasurable pro undity o kno!ledge in the most peregrine and sublime disciplines, so re>uently the admiration, and so rarely the concomitants o the imperite "ulgar. This gently compels me, !ho in preceding times inde atigably kept my pri"ate a ections absolutely subjugated, to condescend to make my application to

you in the tri"ial phrase o the plebeian !orld, and assure you that you are !ell, more than most heartily !elcome. 5 ha"e no hand at making o speeches, >uoth Panurge to me pri"atelyE prithee, man, make ans!er to her or us, i thou canst. This !ould not !ork !ith me, ho!e"erE neither did Pantagruel return a !ord. +o that Jueen ;hims, or Jueen Juintessence @!hich you pleaseD, percei"ing that !e stood as mute as ishes, said& #our taciturnity speaks you not only disciples o Pythagoras, rom !hom the "enerable anti>uity o my progenitors in successi"e propagation !as emaned and deri"es its original, but also disco"ers, that through the re"olution o many retrograde moons, you ha"e in 1gypt pressed the e?tremities o your ingers !ith the hard tenants o your mouths, and scalptiHed your heads !ith re>uent applications o your unguicules. 5n the school o Pythagoras, taciturnity !as the symbol o abstracted and superlati"e kno!ledge, and the silence o the 1gyptians !as agnited as an e?pressi"e manner o di"ine adorationE this caused the ponti s o (ierapolis to sacri ice to the great deity in silence, impercussi"ely, !ithout any "oci erous or obstreperous sound. <y design is not to enter into a pri"ation o gratitude to!ards you, but by a "i"acious ormality, though matter !ere to abstract itsel rom me, e?centricate to you my cogitations. (a"ing spoken this, she only said to her o icers, Tabachins, a panaceaE and straight they desired us not to take it amiss i the >ueen did not in"ite us to dine !ith herE or she ne"er ate anything at dinner but some categories, jecabots, emnins, dimions, abstractions, harborins, chelemins, second intentions, carradoths, antitheses, metempsychoses, transcendent prolepsies, and such other light ood. Then they took us into a little closet lined through !ith alarums, !here !e !ere treated God kno!s ho!. 5t is said that 7upiter !rites !hate"er is transacted in the !orld on the dipthera or skin o the *malthaean goat that suckled him in Crete, !hich pelt ser"ed him instead o a shield against the Titans, !hence he !as nicknamed *egiochos. 9o!, as 5 hate to drink !ater, brother topers, 5 protest it !ould be impossible to make eighteen goatskins hold the description o all the good meat they brought be ore us, though it !ere !ritten in characters as small as those in !hich !ere penned (omer's 5liads, !hich Tully tells us he sa! enclosed in a nutshell. For my part, had 5 one hundred mouths, as many tongues, a "oice o iron, a heart o oak, and lungs o leather, together !ith the melli luous abundance o Plato, yet 5 ne"er could gi"e you a ull account o a third part o a second o the !hole. Pantagruel !as telling me that he belie"ed the >ueen had gi"en the symbolic !ord used among her subjects to denote so"ereign good cheer, !hen she said to her tabachins, * panaceaE just as %ucullus used to say, 5n *pollo, !hen he designed to gi"e his riends a singular treatE though sometimes they took him at una!ares, as, among the rest, Cicero and (ortensius sometimes used to do.

Chapter B.II5. (o! the Jueen passed her time a ter dinner.

;hen !e had dined, a chachanin led us into the >ueen's hall, and there !e sa! ho!, a ter dinner, !ith the ladies and the princes o her court, she used to si t, searce, bolt, range, and pass a!ay time !ith a ine large !hite and blue silk sie"e. ;e also percei"ed ho! they re"i"ed ancient sports, di"erting themsel"es together at$$ 3. -. C. /. B. Corda?. A. Phrygia. 33. <onogas. 1mmelia. G. Thracia. 3-. Terminalia. +icinnia. ,. Calabrisme. 3C. Floralia. 7ambics. F. <olossia. 3/. Pyrrhice. Persica. 3.. Cernophorum. 3B. @9icatism.D *nd a thousand other dances.

@<otteu? has the ollo!ing ootnote&$$'3. * sort o country$dance. -. * still tragic dance. C. )ancing and singing used at unerals. /. Cutting sarcasms and lampoons. B. The Persian dance. A. Tunes, !hose measure inspired men !ith a kind o di"ine ury. G. The Thracian mo"ement. ,. +mutty "erses. F. * measure to !hich the <olossi o 1pirus danced a certain morrice. 3.. * dance !ith bo!ls or pots in their hands. 33. * song !here one sings alone. 3-. +ports at the holidays o the god o bounds. 3C. )ancing naked at Flora's holidays. 3/. The Trojan dance in armour.'D * ter!ards she ga"e orders that they should sho! us the apartments and curiosities in her palace. *ccordingly !e sa! there such ne!, strange, and !onder ul things, that 5 am still ra"ished in admiration e"ery time 5 think o 't. (o!e"er, nothing surprised us more than !hat !as done by the gentlemen o her household, abstractors, paraHons, nebidins, spodiHators, and others, !ho reely and !ithout the least dissembling told us that the >ueen their mistress did all impossible things, and cured men o incurable diseasesE and they, her o icers, used to do the rest. 5 sa! there a young paraHon cure many o the ne! consumption, 5 mean the po?, though they !ere ne"er so peppered. (ad it been the rankest Roan ague @*nglice, the Co"ent$garden goutD, 't!as all one to himE touching only their denti orm "ertebrae thrice !ith a piece o a !ooden shoe, he made them as !holesome as so many sucking$pigs. *nother did thoroughly cure olks o dropsies, tympanies, ascites, and hyposarcides, striking them on the belly nine times !ith a Tenedian hatchet, !ithout any solution o the continuum. *nother cured all manner o e"ers and agues on the spot, only !ith hanging a o?$tail on the le t side o the patient's girdle. 'ne remo"ed the toothache only !ith !ashing thrice the root o the aching tooth !ith elder$"inegar, and letting it dry hal $an$hour in the sun. *nother the gout, !hether hot or cold, natural or accidental, by barely making the gouty person shut his mouth and open his eyes. 5 sa! another ease nine gentlemen o +t. Francis's distemper @'* consumption in the pocket, or !ant o moneyE those o +t. Francis's order must carry none about 'em.'$$<otteu?.D in a "ery short space o time, ha"ing clapped a rope about their necks, at the end o !hich hung a bo? !ith ten thousand gold cro!ns in't.

'ne !ith a !onder ul engine thre! the houses out at the !indo!s, by !hich means they !ere purged o all pestilential air. *nother cured all the three kinds o hectics, the tabid, atrophes, and emaciated, !ithout bathing, Tabian milk, dropa?, alias depilatory, or other such medicaments, only turning the consumpti"e or three months into monksE and he assured me that i they did not gro! at and plump in a monastic !ay o li"ing, they ne"er !ould be attened in this !orld, either by nature or by art. 5 sa! another surrounded !ith a cro!d o t!o sorts o !omen. +ome !ere young, >uaint, cle"er, neat, pretty, juicy, tight, brisk, bu?om, proper, kind$hearted, and as right as my leg, to any man's thinking. The rest !ere old, !eather$beaten, o"er$ridden, toothless, blear$eyed, tough, !rinkled, shri"elled, ta!ny, mouldy, phthisicky, decrepit hags, beldams, and !alking carcasses. ;e !ere told that his o ice !as to cast ane! those she$pieces o anti>uity, and make them such as the pretty creatures !hom !e sa!, !ho had been made young again that day, reco"ering at once the beauty, shape, siHe, and disposition !hich they enjoyed at si?teenE e?cept their heels, that !ere no! much shorter than in their ormer youth. This made them yet more apt to all back!ards !hene"er any man happened to touch 'em, than they had been be ore. *s or their counterparts, the old mother$scratch$tobies, they most de"outly !aited or the blessed hour !hen the batch that !as in the o"en !as to be dra!n, that they might ha"e their turns, and in a mighty haste they !ere pulling and hauling the man like mad, telling him that 'tis the most grie"ous and intolerable thing in nature or the tail to be on ire and the head to scare a!ay those !ho should >uench it. The o icer had his hands ull, ne"er !anting patientsE neither did his place bring him in little, you may s!ear. Pantagruel asked him !hether he could also make old men young again. (e said he could not. But the !ay to make them ne! men !as to get 'em to cohabit !ith a ne!$cast emaleE or this they caught that i th kind o crinckams, !hich some call pellade, in Greek, ophiasis, that makes them cast o their old hair and skin, just as the serpents do, and thus their youth is rene!ed like the *rabian phoeni?'s. This is the true ountain o youth, or there the old and decrepit become young, acti"e, and lusty. 7ust so, as 1uripides tells us, 5olaus !as transmogri iedE and thus Phaon, or !hom kind$hearted +appho run !ild, gre! young again, or =enus's useE so Tithon by *urora's meansE so *eson by <edea, and 7ason also, !ho, i you'll belie"e Pherecides and +imonides, !as ne!$"amped and dyed by that !itchE and so !ere the nurses o jolly Bacchus, and their husbands, as *eschylus relates.

Chapter B.II55. (o! Jueen ;hims' o icers !ere employedE and ho! the said lady retained us among her abstractors. 5 then sa! a great number o the >ueen's o icers, !ho made blackamoors !hite as ast as hops, just rubbing their bellies !ith the bottom o a pannier.

'thers, !ith three couples o o?es in one yoke, ploughed a sandy shore, and did not lose their seed. 'thers !ashed burnt tiles, and made them lose their colour. 'thers e?tracted !ater out o pumice$stones, braying them a good !hile in a mortar, and changed their substance. 'thers sheared asses, and thus got long leece !ool. 'thers gathered barberries and igs o o thistles. 'thers stroked he$goats by the dugs, and sa"ed their milk in a sie"eE and much they got by it. @'thers !ashed asses' heads !ithout losing their soap.D 'thers taught co!s to dance, and did not lose their iddling. 'thers pitched nets to catch the !ind, and took cock$lobsters in them. 5 sa! a spodiHator, !ho "ery arti icially got arts out o a dead ass, and sold 'em or i"epence an ell. *nother did putre y beetles. ' the dainty oodL Poor Panurge airly cast up his accounts, and ga"e up his hal penny @i.e. "omitedD, seeing an archasdarpenin !ho laid a huge plenty o chamber lye to putre y in horsedung, mishmashed !ith abundance o Christian sir$re"erence. Pugh, ie upon him, nasty dogL (o!e"er, he told us that !ith this sacred distillation he !atered kings and princes, and made their s!eet li"es a athom or t!o the longer. 'thers built churches to jump o"er the steeples. 'thers set carts be ore the horses, and began to lay eels at the tailE neither did the eels cry be ore they !ere hurt, like those o <elun. 'thers out o nothing made great things, and made great things return to nothing. 'thers cut ire into steaks !ith a kni e, and dre! !ater !ith a ish$net. 'thers made chalk o cheese, and honey o a dog's t$$d. ;e sa! a knot o others, about a baker's doHen in number, tippling under an arbour. They toped out o jolly bottomless cups our sorts o cool, sparkling, pure, delicious, "ine$tree sirup, !hich !ent do!n like mother's milkE and healths and bumpers le! about like lightning. ;e !ere told that these true philosophers !ere airly multiplying the stars by drinking till the se"en !ere ourteen, as bra!ny (ercules did !ith *tlas. 'thers made a "irtue o necessity, and the best o a bad market, !hich seemed to me a "ery good piece o !ork. 'thers made alchemy @i.e. sir$re"erenceD !ith their teeth, and clapping

their hind retort to the recipient, made scur"y aces, and then s>ueeHed. 'thers, in a large grass plot, e?actly measured ho! ar the leas could go at a hop, a step, and jumpE and told us that this !as e?ceedingly use ul or the ruling o kingdoms, the conduct o armies, and the administration o common!ealthsE and that +ocrates, !ho irst got philosophy out o hea"en, and rom idling and tri ling made it pro itable and o moment, used to spend hal his philosophiHing time in measuring the leaps o leas, as *ristophanes the >uintessential a irms. 5 sa! t!o gibroins by themsel"es keeping !atch on the top o a to!er, and !e !ere told they guarded the moon rom the !ol"es. 5n a blind corner 5 met our more "ery hot at it, and ready to go to loggerheads. 5 asked !hat !as the cause o the stir and ado, the mighty coil and pother they made. *nd 5 heard that or our li"elong days those o"er!ise roisters had been at it ding$dong, disputing on three high, more than metaphysical propositions, promising themsel"es mountains o gold by sol"ing them. The irst !as concerning a he$ass's shado!E the second, o the smoke o a lanternE and the third o goat's hair, !hether it !ere !ool or no. ;e heard that they did not think it a bit strange that t!o contradictions in mode, orm, igure, and time should be trueE though 5 !ill !arrant the sophists o Paris had rather be unchristened than o!n so much. ;hile !e !ere admiring all those men's !onder ul doings, the e"ening star already t!inkling, the >ueen @God bless herLD appeared, attended !ith her court, and again amaHed and daHHled us. +he percei"ed it, and said to us& ;hat occasions the aberrations o human cogitations through the perple?ing labyrinths and abysses o admiration, is not the source o the e ects, !hich sagacious mortals "isibly e?perience to be the conse>uential result o natural causes. 'Tis the no"elty o the e?periment !hich makes impressions on their concepti"e, cogitati"e acultiesE that do not pre"ise the acility o the operation ade>uately, !ith a subact and sedate intellection, associated !ith diligent and congruous study. Conse>uently let all manner o perturbation abdicate the "entricles o your brains, i anyone has in"aded them !hile they !ere contemplating !hat is transacted by my domestic ministers. Be spectators and auditors o e"ery particular phenomenon and e"ery indi"idual proposition !ithin the e?tent o my mansionE satiate yoursel"es !ith all that can all here under the consideration o your "isual or auscultating po!ers, and thus emancipate yoursel"es rom the ser"itude o crassous ignorance. *nd that you may be induced to apprehend ho! sincerely 5 desire this in consideration o the studious cupidity that so demonstrati"ely emicates at your e?ternal organs, rom this present particle o time 5 retain you as my abstractors. Geber, my principal Tabachin, shall register and initiate you at your departing. ;e humbly thanked her >ueenship !ithout saying a !ord, accepting o the noble o ice she con erred on us.

Chapter B.II555. (o! the Jueen !as ser"ed at dinner, and o her !ay o eating.

Jueen ;hims a ter this said to her gentlemen& The ori ice o the "entricle, that ordinary embassador or the alimentation o all members, !hether superior or in erior, importunes us to restore, by the apposition o idoneous sustenance, !hat !as dissipated by the internal calidity's action on the radical humidity. There ore spodiHators, gesinins, memains, and paraHons, be not culpable o dilatory protractions in the apposition o e"ery re$roborating species, but rather let them pullulate and superabound on the tables. *s or you, nobilissim praegustators, and my gentilissim masticators, your re>uently e?perimented industry, internected !ith perdiligent sedulity and sedulous perdiligence, continually adju"ates you to per iciate all things in so e?peditious a manner that there is no necessity o e?citing in you a cupidity to consummate them. There ore 5 can only suggest to you still to operate as you are assue acted inde atigably to operate. (a"ing made this ine speech, she retired or a !hile !ith part o her !omen, and !e !ere told that 't!as to bathe, as the ancients did more commonly than !e use no!adays to !ash our hands be ore !e eat. The tables !ere soon placed, the cloth spread, and then the >ueen sat do!n. +he ate nothing but celestial ambrosia, and drank nothing but di"ine nectar. *s or the lords and ladies that !ere there, they, as !ell as !e, ared on as rare, costly, and dainty dishes as e"er *picius !ot or dreamed o in his li e. ;hen !e !ere as round as hoops, and as ull as eggs, !ith stu ing the gut, an olla podrida @'+ome call it an 'lio. Rabelais Pot$pourry.'$$<otteu?.D !as set be ore us to orce hunger to come to terms !ith us, in case it had not granted us a truceE and such a huge "ast thing it !as that the plate !hich Pythius *lthius ga"e :ing )arius !ould hardly ha"e co"ered it. The olla consisted o se"eral sorts o pottages, salads, ricassees, saugrenees, cabirotadoes, roast and boiled meat, carbonadoes, s!ingeing pieces o po!dered bee , good old hams, dainty somates, cakes, tarts, a !orld o curds a ter the <oorish !ay, resh cheese, jellies, and ruit o all sorts. *ll this seemed to me good and daintyE ho!e"er, the sight o it made me sighE or alasL 5 could not taste a bit on't, so ull 5 had illed my puddings be ore, and a belly ul is a belly ul you kno!. #et 5 must tell you !hat 5 sa! that seemed to me odd enough o' conscienceE 't!as some pasties in pasteE and !hat should those pasties in paste be, d'ye think, but pasties in potsK *t the bottom 5 percei"ed store o dice, cards, tarots @'Great cards on !hich many di erent things are igured.' $$<otteu?.D, luettes @'Pieces o i"ory to play !ithal.'$$<otteu?.D, chessmen, and che>uers, besides ull bo!ls o gold cro!ns, or those !ho had a mind to ha"e a game or t!o and try their chance. 8nder this 5 sa! a jolly company o mules in stately trappings, !ith "el"et ootcloths, and a troop o ambling nags, some or men and some or !omenE besides 5 don't kno! ho! many litters all lined !ith "el"et, and some coaches o Ferrara makeE all this or those !ho had a mind to take the air. This did not seem strange to meE but i anything did 't!as certainly the >ueen's !ay o eating, and truly 't!as "ery ne!, and "ery oddE or she che!ed nothing, the good ladyE not but that she had good sound teeth, and her meat re>uired to be masticated, but such !as her highness's custom. ;hen her praegustators had tasted the meat, her masticators took it and che!ed it most noblyE or their dainty chops and gullets !ere lined through !ith crimson satin, !ith little !elts and gold purls, and their teeth !ere o delicate !hite i"ory. Thus, !hen they had che!ed the meat ready or her highness's ma!, they poured it do!n her throat through a unnel o ine

gold, and so on to her cra!. For that reason they told us she ne"er "isited a close$stool but by pro?y.

Chapter B.II5=. (o! there !as a ball in the manner o a tournament, at !hich Jueen ;hims !as present. * ter supper there !as a ball in the orm o a tilt or a tournament, not only !orth seeing, but also ne"er to be orgotten. First, the loor o the hall !as co"ered !ith a large piece o "el"eted !hite and yello! che>uered tapestry, each che>uer e?actly s>uare, and three ull spans in breadth. Then thirty$t!o young persons came into the hallE si?teen o them arrayed in cloth o gold, and o these eight !ere young nymphs such as the ancients described )iana's attendantsE the other eight !ere a king, a >ueen, t!o !ardens o the castle, t!o knights, and t!o archers. Those o the other band !ere clad in cloth o sil"er. They posted themsel"es on the tapestry in the ollo!ing manner& the kings on the last line on the ourth s>uareE so that the golden king !as on a !hite s>uare, and the sil"ered king on a yello! s>uare, and each >ueen by her kingE the golden >ueen on a yello! s>uare, and the sil"ered >ueen on a !hite one& and on each side stood the archers to guide their kings and >ueensE by the archers the knights, and the !ardens by them. 5n the ne?t ro! be ore 'em stood the eight nymphsE and bet!een the t!o bands o nymphs our ro!s o s>uares stood empty. 1ach band had its musicians, eight on each side, dressed in its li"eryE the one !ith orange$coloured damask, the other !ith !hiteE and all played on di erent instruments most melodiously and harmoniously, still "arying in time and measure as the igure o the dance re>uired. This seemed to me an admirable thing, considering the numerous di"ersity o steps, back$steps, bounds, rebounds, jerks, paces, leaps, skips, turns, coupes, hops, leadings, risings, meetings, lights, ambuscadoes, mo"es, and remo"es. 5 !as also at a loss !hen 5 stro"e to comprehend ho! the dancers could so suddenly kno! !hat e"ery di erent note meantE or they no sooner heard this or that sound but they placed themsel"es in the place !hich !as denoted by the music, though their motions !ere all di erent. For the nymphs that stood in the irst ile, as i they designed to begin the ight, marched straight or!ards to their enemies rom s>uare to s>uare, unless it !ere the irst step, at !hich they !ere ree to mo"e o"er t!o steps at once. They alone ne"er all back @!hich is not "ery natural to other nymphsD, and i any o them is so lucky as to ad"ance to the opposite king's ro!, she is immediately cro!ned >ueen o her king, and a ter that mo"es !ith the same state and in the same manner as the >ueenE but till that happens they ne"er strike their enemies but or!ards, and obli>uely in a diagonal line. (o!e"er, they make it not their chie business to take their oesE or, i they did, they !ould lea"e their >ueen e?posed to the ad"erse parties, !ho then might take her. The kings mo"e and take their enemies on all sides s>uare$!ays, and only step rom a !hite s>uare into a yello! one, and "ice "ersa, e?cept at their irst step the rank should !ant other o icers than the !ardensE or then

they can set 'em in their place, and retire by him. The >ueens take a greater liberty than any o the restE or they mo"e back!ards and or!ards all manner o !ays, in a straight line as ar as they please, pro"ided the place be not illed !ith one o her o!n party, and diagonally also, keeping to the colour on !hich she stands. The archers mo"e back!ards or or!ards, ar and near, ne"er changing the colour on !hich they stand. The knights mo"e and take in a lineal manner, stepping o"er one s>uare, though a riend or oe stand upon it, posting themsel"es on the second s>uare to the right or le t, rom one colour to another, !hich is "ery un!elcome to the ad"erse party, and ought to be care ully obser"ed, or they take at una!ares. The !ardens mo"e and take to the right or le t, be ore or behind them, like the kings, and can ad"ance as ar as they ind places emptyE !hich liberty the kings take not. The la! !hich both sides obser"e is, at the end o the ight, to besiege and enclose the king o either party, so that he may not be able to mo"eE and being reduced to that e?tremity, the battle is o"er, and he loses the day. 9o!, to a"oid this, there is none o either se? o each party but is !illing to sacri ice his or her li e, and they begin to take one another on all sides in time, as soon as the music strikes up. ;hen anyone takes a prisoner, he makes his honours, and striking him gently in the hand, puts him out o the ield and combat, and encamps !here he stood. 5 one o the kings chance to stand !here he might be taken, it is not la! ul or any o his ad"ersaries that had disco"ered him to lay hold on himE ar rom it, they are strictly enjoined humbly to pay him their respects, and gi"e him notice, saying, God preser"e you, sirL that his o icers may relie"e and co"er him, or he may remo"e, i unhappily he could not be relie"ed. (o!e"er, he is not to be taken, but greeted !ith a Good$morro!, the others bending the kneeE and thus the tournament uses to end.

Chapter B.II=. (o! the thirty$t!o persons at the ball ought. The t!o companies ha"ing taken their stations, the music struck up, and !ith a martial sound, !hich had something o horrid in it, like a point o !ar, roused and alarmed both parties, !ho no! began to shi"er, and then soon !ere !armed !ith !arlike rageE and ha"ing got in readiness to ight desperately, impatient o delay stood !aiting or the charge. Then the music o the sil"ered band ceased playing, and the instruments o the golden side alone !ere heard, !hich denoted that the golden party attacked. *ccordingly, a ne! mo"ement !as played or the onset, and !e sa! the nymph !ho stood be ore the >ueen turn to the le t to!ards her king, as it !ere to ask lea"e to ightE and thus saluting her company at the same time, she mo"ed t!o s>uares or!ards, and saluted the ad"erse party.

9o! the music o the golden brigade ceased playing, and their antagonists began again. 5 ought to ha"e told you that the nymph !ho began by saluting her company, had by that ormality also gi"en them to understand that they !ere to all on. +he !as saluted by them in the same manner, !ith a ull turn to the le t, e?cept the >ueen, !ho !ent aside to!ards her king to the rightE and the same manner o salutation !as obser"ed on both sides during the !hole ball. The sil"ered nymph that stood be ore her >ueen like!ise mo"ed as soon as the music o her party sounded a chargeE her salutations, and those o her side, !ere to the right, and her >ueen's to the le t. +he mo"ed in the second s>uare or!ards, and saluted her antagonists, acing the irst golden nymphE so that there !as not any distance bet!een them, and you !ould ha"e thought they t!o had been going to ightE but they only strike side!ays. Their comrades, !hether sil"ered or golden, ollo!ed 'em in an intercalary igure, and seemed to skirmish a !hile, till the golden nymph !ho had irst entered the lists, striking a sil"ered nymph in the hand on the right, put her out o the ield, and set hersel in her place. But soon the music playing a ne! measure, she !as struck by a sil"ered archer, !ho a ter that !as obliged himsel to retire. * sil"ered knight then sallied out, and the golden >ueen posted hersel be ore her king. Then the sil"ered king, dreading the golden >ueen's ury, remo"ed to the right, to the place !here his !arden stood, !hich seemed to him strong and !ell guarded. The t!o knights on the le t, !hether golden or sil"ered, marched up, and on either side took up many nymphs !ho could not retreatE principally the golden knight, !ho made this his !hole businessE but the sil"ered knight had greater designs, dissembling all along, and e"en sometimes not taking a nymph !hen he could ha"e done it, still mo"ing on till he !as come up to the main body o the enemies in such a manner that he saluted their king !ith a God sa"e you, sirL The !hole golden brigade >uaked or ear and anger, those !ords gi"ing notice o their king's dangerE not but that they could soon relie"e him, but because their king being thus saluted they !ere to lose their !arden on the right !ing !ithout any hopes o a reco"ery. Then the golden king retired to the le t, and the sil"ered knight took the golden !arden, !hich !as a mighty loss to that party. (o!e"er, they resol"ed to be re"enged, and surrounded the knight that he might not escape. (e tried to get o , beha"ing himsel !ith a great deal o gallantry, and his riends did !hat they could to sa"e himE but at last he ell into the golden >ueen's hands, and !as carried o . (er orces, not yet satis ied, ha"ing lost one o her best men, !ith more ury than conduct mo"ed about, and did much mischie among their enemies. The sil"ered party !arily dissembled, !atching their opportunity to be e"en !ith them, and presented one o their nymphs to the golden >ueen, ha"ing laid an ambuscadoE so that the nymph being taken, a golden archer had like to ha"e seiHed the sil"ered >ueen. Then the golden knight undertakes to take the sil"ered king and >ueen, and says, Good$morro!L Then the sil"ered archer salutes them, and !as taken by a golden nymph, and she hersel by a sil"ered one.

The ight !as obstinate and sharp. The !ardens le t their posts, and ad"anced to relie"e their riends. The battle !as doubt ul, and "ictory ho"ered o"er both armies. 9o! the sil"ered host charge and break through their enemy's ranks as ar as the golden king's tent, and no! they are beaten back. The golden >ueen distinguishes hersel rom the rest by her mighty achie"ements still more than by her garb and dignityE or at once she takes an archer, and, going side!ays, seiHes a sil"ered !arden. ;hich thing the sil"ered >ueen percei"ing, she came or!ards, and, rushing on !ith e>ual bra"ery, takes the last golden !arden and some nymphs. The t!o >ueens ought a long !hile hand to handE no! stri"ing to take each other by surprise, then to sa"e themsel"es, and sometimes to guard their kings. Finally, the golden >ueen took the sil"ered >ueenE but presently a ter she hersel !as taken by the sil"ered archer. Then the sil"ered king had only three nymphs, an archer, and a !arden le t, and the golden only three nymphs and the right knight, !hich made them ight more slo!ly and !arily than be ore. The t!o kings seemed to mourn or the loss o their lo"ing >ueens, and only studied and endea"oured to get ne! ones out o all their nymphs to be raised to that dignity, and thus be married to them. This made them e?cite those bra"e nymphs to stri"e to reach the arthest rank, !here stood the king o the contrary party, promising them certainly to ha"e them cro!ned i they could do this. The golden nymphs !ere be orehand !ith the others, and out o their number !as created a >ueen, !ho !as dressed in royal robes, and had a cro!n set on her head. #ou need not doubt the sil"ered nymphs made also !hat haste they could to be >ueens. 'ne o them !as !ithin a step o the coronation place, but there the golden knight lay ready to intercept her, so that she could go no urther. The ne! golden >ueen, resol"ed to sho! hersel "aliant and !orthy o her ad"ancement to the cro!n, achie"ed great eats o arms. But in the meantime the sil"ered knight takes the golden !arden !ho guarded the campE and thus there !as a ne! sil"ered >ueen, !ho, like the other, stro"e to e?cel in heroic deeds at the beginning o her reign. Thus the ight gre! hotter than be ore. * thousand stratagems, charges, rallyings, retreats, and attacks !ere tried on both sidesE till at last the sil"ered >ueen, ha"ing by stealth ad"anced as ar as the golden king's tent, cried, God sa"e you, sirL 9o! none but his ne! >ueen could relie"e himE so she bra"ely came and e?posed hersel to the utmost e?tremity to deli"er him out o it. Then the sil"ered !arden !ith his >ueen reduced the golden king to such a stress that, to sa"e himsel , he !as orced to lose his >ueenE but the golden king took him at last. (o!e"er, the rest o the golden party !ere soon takenE and that king being le t alone, the sil"ered party made him a lo! bo!, crying, Good morro!, sirL !hich denoted that the sil"ered king had got the day. This being heard, the music o both parties loudly proclaimed the "ictory. *nd thus the irst battle ended to the unspeakable joy o all the spectators. * ter this the t!o brigades took their ormer stations, and began to tilt a second time, much as they had done be ore, only the music played some!hat aster than at the irst battle, and the motions !ere altogether di erent. 5 sa! the golden >ueen sally out one o the irst, !ith an archer and a knight, as it !ere angry at the ormer de eat, and she had like to ha"e allen upon the sil"ered king in his tent among his o icersE but ha"ing been baulked in her attempt, she skirmished briskly, and o"erthre! so many

sil"ered nymphs and o icers that it !as a most amaHing sight. #ou !ould ha"e s!orn she had been another PenthesileaE or she beha"ed hersel !ith as much bra"ery as that *maHonian >ueen did at Troy. But this ha"oc did not last longE or the sil"ered party, e?asperated by their loss, resol"ed to perish or stop her progressE and ha"ing posted an archer in ambuscado on a distant angle, together !ith a knight$errant, her highness ell into their hands and !as carried out o the ield. The rest !ere soon routed a ter the taking o their >ueen, !ho, !ithout doubt, rom that time resol"ed to be more !ary and keep near her king, !ithout "enturing so ar amidst her enemies unless !ith more orce to de end her. Thus the sil"ered brigade once more got the "ictory. This did not dishearten or deject the golden partyE ar rom it. They soon appeared again in the ield to ace their enemiesE and being posted as be ore, both the armies seemed more resolute and cheer ul than e"er. 9o! the martial concert began, and the music !as abo"e a hemiole the >uicker, according to the !arlike Phrygian mode, such as !as in"ented by <arsyas. Then our combatants began to !heel about, and charge !ith such a s!i tness that in an instant they made our mo"es, besides the usual salutations. +o that they !ere continually in action, lying, ho"ering, jumping, "aulting, cur"etting, !ith petauristical turns and motions, and o ten intermingled. +eeing them then turn about on one oot a ter they had made their honours, !e compared them to your tops or gigs, such as boys use to !hip about, making them turn round so s!i tly that they sleep, as they call it, and motion cannot be percei"ed, but resembles rest, its contraryE so that i you make a point or mark on some part o one o those gigs, 't!ill be percei"ed not as a point, but a continual line, in a most di"ine manner, as Cusanus has !isely obser"ed. ;hile they !ere thus !armly engaged, !e heard continually the claps and episemapsies !hich those o the t!o bands reiterated at the taking o their enemiesE and this, joined to the "ariety o their motions and music, !ould ha"e orced smiles out o the most se"ere Cato, the ne"er$laughing Crassus, the *thenian man$hater, TimonE nay, e"en !hining (eraclitus, though he abhorred laughing, the action that is most peculiar to man. For !ho could ha"e orborneK seeing those young !arriors, !ith their nymphs and >ueens, so briskly and grace ully ad"ance, retire, jump, leap, skip, spring, ly, "ault, caper, mo"e to the right, to the le t, e"ery !ay still in time, so s!i tly, and yet so de?terously, that they ne"er touched one another but methodically. *s the number o the combatants lessened, the pleasure o the spectators increasedE or the stratagems and motions o the remaining orces !ere more singular. 5 shall only add that this pleasing entertainment charmed us to such a degree that our minds !ere ra"ished !ith admiration and delight, and the martial harmony mo"ed our souls so po!er ully that !e easily belie"ed !hat is said o 5smenias's ha"ing e?cited *le?ander to rise rom table and run to his arms, !ith such a !arlike melody. *t last the golden king remained master o the ieldE and !hile !e !ere minding those dances, Jueen ;hims "anished, so that !e sa! her no more rom that day to this. Then Geber's michelots conducted us, and !e !ere set do!n among her abstractors, as her >ueenship had commanded. * ter that !e returned to the port o <ateotechny, and thence straight aboard our shipsE or the !ind !as

air, and had !e not hoisted out o hand, !e could hardly ha"e got o in three >uarters o a moon in the !ane.

Chapter B.II=5. (o! !e came to the island o 'des, !here the !ays go up and do!n. ;e sailed be ore the !ind, bet!een a pair o courses, and in t!o days made the island o 'des, at !hich place !e sa! a "ery strange thing. The !ays there are animalsE so true is *ristotle's saying, that all sel $mo"ing things are animals. 9o! the !ays !alk there. 1rgo, they are then animals. +ome o them are strange unkno!n !ays, like those o the planetsE others are high!ays, cross!ays, and by!ays. 5 percei"ed that the tra"ellers and inhabitants o that country asked, ;hither does this !ay goK ;hither does that !ay goK +ome ans!ered, Bet!een <idy and Fe"rolles, to the parish church, to the city, to the ri"er, and so orth. Being thus in their right !ay, they used to reach their journey's end !ithout any urther trouble, just like those !ho go by !ater rom %yons to *"ignon or *rles. 9o!, as you kno! that nothing is per ect here belo!, !e heard there !as a sort o people !hom they called high!aymen, !aybeaters, and makers o inroads in roadsE and that the poor !ays !ere sadly a raid o them, and shunned them as you do robbers. For these used to !aylay them, as people lay trains or !ol"es, and set gins or !oodcocks. 5 sa! one !ho !as taken up !ith a lord chie justice's !arrant or ha"ing unjustly, and in spite o Pallas, taken the school!ay, !hich is the longest. *nother boasted that he had airly taken his shortest, and that doing so he irst compassed his design. Thus, Carpalin, meeting once 1pistemon looking upon a !all !ith his iddle$diddle, or li"e urinal, in his hand, to make a little maid's !ater, cried that he did not !onder no! ho! the other came to be still the irst at Pantagruel's le"ee, since he held his shortest and least used. 5 ound Bourges high!ay among these. 5t !ent !ith the deliberation o an abbot, but !as made to scamper at the approach o some !aggoners, !ho threatened to ha"e it trampled under their horses' eet, and make their !aggons run o"er it, as Tullia's chariot did o"er her ather's body. 5 also espied there the old !ay bet!een Peronne and +t. Juentin, !hich seemed to me a "ery good, honest, plain !ay, as smooth as a carpet, and as good as e"er !as trod upon by shoe o leather. *mong the rocks 5 kne! again the good old !ay to %a Ferrare, mounted on a huge bear. This at a distance !ould ha"e put me in mind o +t. 7erome's picture, had but the bear been a lionE or the poor !ay !as all morti ied, and !ore a long hoary beard uncombed and entangled, !hich looked like the picture o !inter, or at least like a !hite$ rosted bush. 'n that !ay !ere store o beads or rosaries, coarsely made o !ild pine$treeE and it seemed kneeling, not standing, nor lying latE but its sides and middle !ere beaten !ith huge stones, insomuch that it pro"ed to us at once an object o ear and pity. ;hile !e !ere e?amining it, a runner, bachelor o the place, took us aside, and sho!ing us a !hite smooth !ay, some!hat illed !ith stra!, said, (ence orth, gentlemen, do not reject the opinion o Thales the <ilesian,

!ho said that !ater is the beginning o all things, nor that o (omer, !ho tells us that all things deri"e their original rom the oceanE or this same !ay !hich you see here had its beginning rom !ater, and is to return !hence she came be ore t!o months come to an endE no! carts are dri"en here !here boats used to be ro!ed. Truly, said Pantagruel, you tell us no ne!sE !e see i"e hundred such changes, and more, e"ery year, in our !orld. Then re lecting on the di erent manner o going o those mo"ing !ays, he told us he belie"ed that Philolaus and *ristarchus had philosophiHed in this island, and that +eleucus @<otteu? reads$$'that some, indeed, !ere o opinion.'D, indeed, !as o opinion the earth turns round about its poles, and not the hea"ens, !hate"er !e may think to the contraryE as, !hen !e are on the ri"er %oire, !e think the trees and the shore mo"es, though this is only an e ect o our boat's motion. *s !e !ent back to our ships, !e sa! three !aylayers, !ho, ha"ing been taken in ambuscado, !ere going to be broken on the !heelE and a huge ornicator !as burned !ith a lingering ire or beating a !ay and breaking one o its sidesE !e !ere told it !as the !ay o the banks o the 9ile in 1gypt.

Chapter B.II=55. (o! !e came to the island o +andalsE and o the order o +emi>ua"er Friars. Thence !e !ent to the island o +andals, !hose inhabitants li"e on nothing but ling$broth. (o!e"er, !e !ere "ery kindly recei"ed and entertained by Benius the Third, king o the island, !ho, a ter he had made us drink, took us !ith him to sho! us a spick$and$span ne! monastery !hich he had contri"ed or the +emi>ua"er FriarsE so he called the religious men !hom he had there. For he said that on t'other side the !ater li"ed riars !ho styled themsel"es her s!eet ladyship's most humble ser"ants. 5tem, the goodly Friar$minors, !ho are semibre"es o bullsE the smoked$herring tribe o <inim FriarsE then the Crotchet Friars. +o that these diminuti"es could be no more than +emi>ua"ers. By the statutes, bulls, and patents o Jueen ;hims, they !ere all dressed like so many house$burners, e?cept that, as in *njou your bricklayers use to >uilt their knees !hen they tile houses, so these holy riars had usually >uilted bellies, and thick >uilted paunches !ere among them in much repute. Their codpieces !ere cut slipper$ ashion, and e"ery monk among them !ore t!o$$one se!ed be ore and another behind $$reporting that some certain dread ul mysteries !ere duly represented by this duplicity o codpieces. They !ore shoes as round as basins, in imitation o those !ho inhabit the sandy sea. Their chins !ere close$sha"ed, and their eet iron$shodE and to sho! they did not "alue ortune, Benius made them sha"e and poll the hind part o their polls as bare as a bird's arse, rom the cro!n to the shoulder$bladesE but they had lea"e to let their hair gro! be ore, rom the t!o triangular bones in the upper part o the skull. Thus did they not "alue ortune a button, and cared no more or the goods o this !orld than you or 5 do or hanging. *nd to sho! ho! much they de ied that blind jilt, all o them !ore, not in their hands like her, but

at their !aist, instead o beads, sharp raHors, !hich they used to ne!$grind t!ice a day and set thrice a night. 1ach o them had a round ball on their eet, because Fortune is said to ha"e one under hers. The lap o their co!ls hanged or!ard, and not back!ards, like those o others. Thus none could see their noses, and they laughed !ithout ear both at ortune and the ortunateE neither more nor less than our ladies laugh at bare aced trulls !hen they ha"e those mu lers on !hich they call masks, and !hich !ere ormerly much more properly called charity, because they co"er a multitude o sins. The hind part o their aces !ere al!ays unco"ered, as are our aces, !hich made them either go !ith their belly or the arse oremost, !hich they pleased. ;hen their hind ace !ent or!ards, you !ould ha"e s!orn this had been their natural gait, as !ell on account o their round shoes as o the double codpiece, and their ace behind, !hich !as as bare as the back o my hand, and coarsely daubed o"er !ith t!o eyes and a mouth, such as you see on some 5ndian nuts. 9o!, i they o ered to !addle along !ith their bellies or!ards, you !ould ha"e thought they !ere then playing at blindman's bu . <ay 5 ne"er be hanged i 't!as not a comical sight. Their !ay o li"ing !as thus& about o!l$light they charitably began to boot and spur one another. This being done, the least thing they did !as to sleep and snoreE and thus sleeping, they had barnacles on the handles o their aces, or spectacles at most. #ou may s!ear !e did not a little !onder at this odd ancyE but they satis ied us presently, telling us that the day o judgment is to take mankind nappingE there ore, to sho! they did not re use to make their personal appearance as ortune's darlings use to do, they !ere al!ays thus booted and spurred, ready to mount !hene"er the trumpet should sound. *t noon, as soon as the clock struck, they used to a!ake. #ou must kno! that their clock$bell, church$bells, and re ectory$bells !ere all made according to the pontial de"ice, that is, >uilted !ith the inest do!n, and their clappers o o?$tails. (a"ing then made shi t to get up at noon, they pulled o their boots, and those that !anted to speak !ith a maid, alias piss, pissedE those that !anted to scumber, scumberedE and those that !anted to sneeHe, sneeHed. But all, !hether they !ould or no @poor gentlemenLD, !ere obliged largely and plenti ully to ya!nE and this !as their irst break ast @' rigorous statuteLD. <ethought 't!as "ery comical to obser"e their transactionsE or, ha"ing laid their boots and spurs on a rack, they !ent into the cloisters. There they curiously !ashed their hands and mouthsE then sat them do!n on a long bench, and picked their teeth till the pro"ost ga"e the signal, !histling through his ingersE then e"ery he stretched out his ja!s as much as he could, and they gaped and ya!ned or about hal $an$hour, sometimes more, sometimes less, according as the prior judged the break ast to be suitable to the day. * ter that they !ent in procession, t!o banners being carried be ore them, in one o !hich !as the picture o =irtue, and that o Fortune in the other. The last !ent be ore, carried by a semi$>ua"ering riar, at !hose heels !as another, !ith the shado! or image o =irtue in one hand and an

holy$!ater sprinkle in the other$$5 mean o that holy mercurial !ater !hich '"id describes in his Fasti. *nd as the preceding +emi>ua"er rang a handbell, this shaked the sprinkle !ith his ist. ;ith that says Pantagruel, This order contradicts the rule !hich Tully and the academics prescribed, that =irtue ought to go be ore, and Fortune ollo!. But they told us they did as they ought, seeing their design !as to breech, lash, and beth!ack Fortune. )uring the processions they trilled and >ua"ered most melodiously bet!i?t their teeth 5 do not kno! !hat antiphones, or chantings, by turns. For my part, 't!as all (ebre!$Greek to me, the de"il a !ord 5 could pick out on'tE at last, pricking up my ears, and intensely listening, 5 percei"ed they only sang !ith the tip o theirs. 'h, !hat a rare harmony it !asL (o! !ell 't!as tuned to the sound o their bellsL #ou'll ne"er ind these to jar, that you !on't. Pantagruel made a notable obser"ation upon the processionsE or says he, (a"e you seen and obser"ed the policy o these +emi>ua"ersK To make an end o their procession they !ent out at one o their church doors and came in at the otherE they took a deal o care not to come in at the place !hereat they !ent out. 'n my honour, these are a subtle sort o people, >uoth PanurgeE they ha"e as much !it as three olks, t!o ools and a madmanE they are as !ise as the cal that ran nine miles to suck a bull, and !hen he came there 't!as a steer. This subtlety and !isdom o theirs, cried Friar 7ohn, is borro!ed rom the occult philosophy. <ay 5 be gutted like an oyster i 5 can tell !hat to make on't. Then the more 'tis to be eared, said PantagruelE or subtlety suspected, subtlety oreseen, subtlety ound out, loses the essence and "ery name o subtlety, and only gains that o blockishness. They are not such ools as you take them to beE they ha"e more tricks than are good, 5 doubt. * ter the procession they !ent sluggingly into the ratery$room, by the !ay o !alk and health ul e?ercise, and there kneeled under the tables, leaning their breasts on lanterns. ;hile they !ere in that posture, in came a huge +andal, !ith a pitch ork in his hand, !ho used to baste, rib$roast, s!addle, and s!inge them !ell$ a"ouredly, as they said, and in truth treated them a ter a ashion. They began their meal as you end yours, !ith cheese, and ended it !ith mustard and lettuce, as <artial tells us the ancients did. * ter!ards a platter ul o mustard !as brought be ore e"ery one o them, and thus they made good the pro"erb, * ter meat comes mustard. Their diet !as this& '' +undays they stu ed their puddings !ith puddings, chitterlings, links, Bologna sausages, orced$meats, li"erings, hogs' haslets, young >uails, and teals. #ou must also al!ays add cheese or the irst course, and mustard or the last. '' <ondays they !ere crammed !ith peas and pork, cum commento, and interlineary glosses. '' Tuesdays they used to t!ist store o holy$bread, cakes, buns, pu s, lenten loa"es, jumbles, and biscuits. '' ;ednesdays my gentlemen had ine sheep's heads, cal"es' heads, and brocks' heads, o !hich there's no !ant in that country. '' Thursdays they guHHled do!n se"en sorts o porridge, not orgetting mustard.

'' Fridays they munched nothing but ser"ices or sorb$applesE neither !ere these ull ripe, as 5 guessed by their comple?ion. '' +aturdays they gna!ed bonesE not that they !ere poor or needy, or e"ery mother's son o them had a "ery good at belly$bene ice. *s or their drink, 't!as an anti ortunalE thus they called 5 don't kno! !hat sort o a li>uor o the place. ;hen they !anted to eat or drink, they turned do!n the back$points or laps o their co!ls or!ards belo! their chins, and that ser"ed 'em instead o gorgets or slabbering$bibs. ;hen they had !ell dined, they prayed rarely all in >ua"ers and shakesE and the rest o the day, e?pecting the day o judgment, they !ere taken up !ith acts o charity, and particularly$$ '' +undays, rubbers at cu s. '' <ondays, lending each other lirts and illips on the nose. '' Tuesdays, clappercla!ing one another. '' ;ednesdays, sniting and ly$ lapping. '' Thursdays, !orming and pumping. '' Fridays, tickling. '' +aturdays, jerking and irking one another. +uch !as their diet !hen they resided in the con"ent, and i the prior o the monk$house sent any o them abroad, then they !ere strictly enjoined neither to touch nor eat any manner o ish as long as they !ere on sea or ri"ers, and to abstain rom all manner o lesh !hene"er they !ere at land, that e"eryone might be con"inced that, !hile they enjoyed the object, they denied themsel"es the po!er, and e"en the desire, and !ere no more mo"ed !ith it than the <arpesian rock. *ll this !as done !ith proper antiphones, still sung and chanted by ear, as !e ha"e already obser"ed. ;hen the sun !ent to bed, they airly booted and spurred each other as be ore, and ha"ing clapped on their barnacles e'en jogged to bed too. *t midnight the +andal came to them, and up they got, and ha"ing !ell !hetted and set their raHors, and been a$processioning, they clapped the tables o"er themsel"es, and like !ire$dra!ers under their !ork ell to it as a oresaid. Friar 7ohn des 1ntoumeures, ha"ing shre!dly obser"ed these jolly +emi>ua"er Friars, and had a ull account o their statutes, lost all patience, and cried out aloud& Bounce tail, and God ha' mercy gutsE i e"ery ool should !ear a bauble, uel !ould be dear. * plague rot it, !e must kno! ho! many arts go to an ounce. ;ould Priapus !ere here, as he used to be at the nocturnal esti"als in Crete, that 5 might see him play back!ards, and !riggle and shake to the purpose. *y, ay, this is the !orld, and t'other

is the countryE may 5 ne"er piss i this be not an antichthonian land, and our "ery antipodes. 5n Germany they pull do!n monasteries and un rocki y the monksE here they go >uite kam, and act clean contrary to others, setting ne! ones up, against the hair.

Chapter B.II=555. (o! Panurge asked a +emi>ua"er Friar many >uestions, and !as only ans!ered in monosyllables. Panurge, !ho had since been !holly taken up !ith staring at these royal +emi>ua"ers, at last pulled one o them by the slee"e, !ho !as as lean as a rake, and asked him,$$ (earkee me, Friar Jua"er, +emi>ua"er, )emisemi>ua"ering >ua"er, !here is the punkK The Friar, pointing do!n!ards, ans!ered, There. Pan. Pray, ha"e you manyK Fri. Fe!. Pan. (o! many scores ha"e youK Fri. 'ne. Pan. (o! many !ould you ha"eK Fri. Fi"e. Pan. ;here do you hide 'emK Fri. (ere. Pan. 5 suppose they are not all o one ageE but, pray, ho! is their shapeK Fri. +traight. Pan. Their comple?ionK Fri. Clear. Pan. Their hairK Fri. Fair. Pan. Their eyesK Fri. Black. Pan. Their eaturesK Fri. Good. Pan. Their bro!sK Fri. +mall. Pan. Their gracesK Fri. Ripe. Pan. Their looksK Fri. Free. Pan. Their eetK Fri. Flat. Pan. Their heelsK Fri. +hort. Pan. Their lo!er partsK Fri. Rare. Pan. *nd their armsK Fri. %ong. Pan. ;hat do they !ear on their handsK Fri. Glo"es. Pan. ;hat sort o rings on their ingersK Fri. Gold.

Pan. ;hat rigging do you keep 'em inK Fri. Cloth. Pan. ;hat sort o cloth is itK Fri. 9e!. Pan. ;hat colourK Fri. +ky. Pan. ;hat kind o cloth is itK Fri. Fine. Pan. ;hat caps do they !earK Fri. Blue. Pan. ;hat's the colour o their stockingsK Fri. Red. Pan. ;hat !ear they on their eetK Fri. Pumps. Pan. (o! do they use to beK Fri. Foul. Pan. (o! do they use to !alkK Fri. Fast. Pan. 9o! let us talk o the kitchen, 5 mean that o the harlots, and !ithout going hand o"er head let's a little e?amine things by particulars. ;hat is in their kitchensK Fri. Fire. Pan. ;hat uel eeds itK Fri. ;ood. Pan. ;hat sort o !ood is'tK Fri. )ry. Pan. *nd o !hat kind o treesK Fri. #e!s. Pan. ;hat are the aggots and brushes o K Fri. (olm. Pan. ;hat !ood d'ye burn in your chambersK Fri. Pine. Pan. *nd o !hat other treesK Fri. %ime. Pan. (earkee meE as or the buttocks, 5'll go your hal"es. Pray, ho! do you eed 'emK Fri. ;ell. Pan. First, !hat do they eatK Fri. Bread. Pan. ' !hat comple?ionK Fri. ;hite. Pan. *nd !hat elseK Fri. <eat. Pan. (o! do they lo"e it dressedK Fri. Roast. Pan. ;hat sort o porridgeK Fri. 9one. Pan. *re they or pies and tartsK Fri. <uch. Pan. Then 5'm their man. ;ill ish go do!n !ith themK Fri. ;ell. Pan. *nd !hat elseK Fri. 1ggs. Pan. (o! do they like 'emK Fri. Boiled. Pan. (o! must they be doneK Fri. (ard.

Pan. 5s this all they ha"eK Fri. 9o. Pan. ;hat ha"e they besides, thenK Fri. Bee . Pan. *nd !hat elseK Fri. Pork. Pan. *nd !hat moreK Fri. Geese. Pan. ;hat thenK Fri. )ucks. Pan. *nd !hat besidesK Fri. Cocks. Pan. ;hat do they season their meat !ithK Fri. +alt. Pan. ;hat sauce are they most dainty orK Fri. <ust. Pan. ;hat's their last courseK Fri. Rice. Pan. *nd !hat elseK Fri. <ilk. Pan. ;hat besidesK Fri. Peas. Pan. ;hat sortK Fri. Green. Pan. ;hat do they boil !ith 'emK Fri. Pork. Pan. ;hat ruit do they eatK Fri. Good. Pan. (o!K Fri. Ra!. Pan. ;hat do they end !ithK Fri. 9uts. Pan. (o! do they drinkK Fri. 9eat. Pan. ;hat li>uorK Fri. ;ine. Pan. ;hat sortK Fri. ;hite. Pan. 5n !interK Fri. +trong. Pan. 5n the spring. Fri. Brisk. Pan. 5n summerK Fri. Cool. Pan. 5n autumnK Fri. 9e!. Buttock o a monkL cried Friar 7ohnE ho! plump these plaguy trulls, these arch +emi>ua"ering strumpets, must beL That damned cattle are so high ed that they must needs be high$mettled, and ready to !ince and gi"e t!o ups or one go$do!n !hen anyone o ers to ride them belo! the crupper. Prithee, Friar 7ohn, >uoth Panurge, hold thy prating tongueE stay till 5 ha"e done. Till !hat time do the do?ies sit upK Fri. 9ight.

Pan. ;hen do they get upK Fri. %ate. Pan. <ay 5 ride on a horse that !as oaled o an acorn, i this be not as honest a cod as e"er the ground !ent upon, and as gra"e as an old gate$post into the bargain. ;ould to the blessed +t. +emi>ua"er, and the blessed !orthy "irgin +t. +emi>ua"era, he !ere lord chie president @justiceD o ParisL 'ds$bodikins, ho! he'd despatchL ;ith !hat e?pedition !ould he bring disputes to an upshotL ;hat an abbre"iator and cla!er o o la!suits, reconciler o di erences, e?aminer and umbler o bags, peruser o bills, scribbler o rough dra ts, and engrosser o deeds !ould he not makeL ;ell, riar, spare your breath to cool your porridge. Come, let's no! talk !ith deliberation, airly and so tly, as la!yers go to hea"en. %et's kno! ho! you "ictual the "enereal camp. (o! is the snatchblatchK Fri. Rough. Pan. (o! is the gate!ayK Fri. Free. Pan. *nd ho! is it !ithinK Fri. )eep. Pan. 5 mean, !hat !eather is it thereK Fri. (ot. Pan. ;hat shado!s the brooksK Fri. Gro"es. Pan. ' !hat's the colour o the t!igsK Fri. Red. Pan. *nd that o the oldK Fri. Grey. Pan. (o! are you !hen you shakeK Fri. Brisk. Pan. (o! is their motionK Fri. Juick. Pan. ;ould you ha"e them "ault or !riggle moreK Fri. %ess. Pan. ;hat kind o tools are yoursK Fri. Big. Pan. *nd in their hel"esK Fri. Round. Pan. ' !hat colour is the tipK Fri. Red. Pan. ;hen they'"e e"en used, ho! are theyK Fri. +hrunk. Pan. (o! much !eighs each bag o toolsK Fri. Pounds. Pan. (o! hang your pouchesK Fri. Tight. Pan. (o! are they !hen you'"e doneK Fri. %ank. Pan. 9o!, by the oath you ha"e taken, tell me, !hen you ha"e a mind to cohabit, ho! you thro! 'emK Fri. )o!n. Pan. *nd !hat do they say thenK Fri. Fie. Pan. (o!e"er, like maids, they say nay, and take itE and speak the less, but think the more, minding the !ork in handE do they notK Fri. True. Pan. )o they get you bairnsK Fri. 9one.

Pan. (o! do you pig togetherK Fri. Bare. Pan. Remember you're upon your oath, and tell me justly and bona ide ho! many times a day you monk itK Fri. +i?. Pan. (o! many bouts a$nightsK Fri. Ten. Catso, >uoth Friar 7ohn, the poor ornicating brother is bash ul, and sticks at si?teen, as i that !ere his stint. Right, >uoth Panurge, but couldst thou keep pace !ith him, Friar 7ohn, my dainty codK <ay the de"il's dam suck my teat i he does not look as i he had got a blo! o"er the nose !ith a 9aples co!l$sta . Pan. Pray, Friar +hake!ell, does your !hole raternity >ua"er and shake at that rateK Fri. *ll. Pan. ;ho o them is the best cock o' the gameK Fri. 5. Pan. )o you ne"er commit dry$bobs or lashes in the panK Fri. 9one. Pan. 5 blush like any black dog, and could be as testy as an old cook !hen 5 think on all thisE it passes my understanding. But, pray, !hen you ha"e been pumped dry one day, !hat ha"e you got the ne?tK Fri. <ore. Pan. By Priapus, they ha"e the 5ndian herb o !hich Theophrastus spoke, or 5'm much out. But, hearkee me, thou man o bre"ity, should some impediment, honestly or other!ise, impair your talents and cause your bene"olence to lessen, ho! !ould it are !ith you, thenK Fri. 5ll. Pan. ;hat !ould the !enches doK Fri. Rail. Pan. ;hat i you skipped, and let 'em ast a !hole dayK Fri. ;orse. Pan. ;hat do you gi"e 'em thenK Fri. Th!acks. Pan. ;hat do they say to thisK Fri. Ba!l. Pan. *nd !hat elseK Fri. Curse. Pan. (o! do you correct 'emK Fri. (ard. Pan. ;hat do you get out o 'em thenK Fri. Blood. Pan. (o!'s their comple?ion thenK Fri. 'dd. Pan. ;hat do they mend it !ithK Fri. Paint. Pan. Then !hat do they doK Fri. Fa!n. Pan. By the oath you ha"e taken, tell me truly !hat time o the year do you do it least inK Fri. 9o! @*ugust.D. Pan. ;hat season do you do it best inK Fri. <arch. Pan. (o! is your per ormance the rest o the yearK Fri. Brisk. Then >uoth Panurge, sneering, ' all, and o all, commend me to BallE this

is the riar o the !orld or my money. #ou'"e heard ho! short, concise, and compendious he is in his ans!ers. 9othing is to be got out o him but monosyllables. By jingo, 5 belie"e he !ould make three bites o a cherry. )amn him, cried Friar 7ohn, that's as true as 5 am his uncle. The dog yelps at another gate's rate !hen he is among his bitchesE there he is polysyllable enough, my li e or yours. #ou talk o making three bites o a cherryL God send ools more !it and us more moneyL <ay 5 be doomed to ast a !hole day i 5 don't "erily belie"e he !ould not make abo"e t!o bites o a shoulder o mutton and one s!oop o a !hole pottle o !ine. Ooons, do but see ho! do!n o' the mouth the cur looksL (e's nothing but skin and bonesE he has pissed his tallo!. Truly, truly, >uoth 1pistemon, this rascally monastical "ermin all o"er the !orld mind nothing but their gut, and are as ra"enous as any kites, and then, orsooth, they tell us they'"e nothing but ood and raiment in this !orld. '+death, !hat more ha"e kings and princesK

Chapter B.II5I. (o! 1pistemon disliked the institution o %ent. Pray did you obser"e, continued 1pistemon, ho! this damned ill$ a"oured +emi>ua"er mentioned <arch as the best month or cater!aulingK True, said PantagruelE yet %ent and <arch al!ays go together, and the irst !as instituted to macerate and bring do!n our pampered lesh, to !eaken and subdue its lusts, to curb and assuage the "enereal rage. By this, said 1pistemon, you may guess !hat kind o a pope it !as !ho irst enjoined it to be kept, since this ilthy !ooden$shoed +emi>ua"er o!ns that his spoon is ne"er o tener nor deeper in the porringer o lechery than in %ent. *dd to this the e"ident reasons gi"en by all good and learned physicians, a irming that throughout the !hole year no ood is eaten that can prompt mankind to lasci"ious acts more than at that time. *s, or e?ample, beans, peas, phasels, or long$peason, ciches, onions, nuts, oysters, herrings, salt$meats, garum @a kind o ancho"yD, and salads !holly made up o "enereous herbs and ruits, as$$ Rocket, Parsley, (op$buds, 9ose$smart, Rampions, Figs, Taragon, Poppy, Rice, Cresses, Celery, Raisins, and others. 5t !ould not a little surprise you, said Pantagruel, should a man tell you that the good pope !ho irst ordered the keeping o %ent, percei"ing that at that time o' year the natural heat @ rom the centre o the body, !hither it !as retired during the !inter's coldD di uses itsel , as the sap does in trees, through the circum erence o the members, did there ore in a manner prescribe that sort o diet to or!ard the propagation o mankind. ;hat makes me think so, is that by the registers o christenings at Touars it appears that more children are born in 'ctober and 9o"ember than in the other ten months o the year, and reckoning back!ards 't!ill be easily ound that they !ere all made, concei"ed, and begotten in %ent.

5 listen to you !ith both my ears, >uoth Friar 7ohn, and that !ith no small pleasure, 5'll assure you. But 5 must tell you that the "icar o 7ambert ascribed this copious proli ication o the !omen, not to that sort o ood that !e chie ly eat in %ent, but to the little licensed stooping mumpers, your little booted %ent$preachers, your little draggle$tailed ather con essors, !ho during all that time o their reign damn all husbands that run astray three athom and a hal belo! the "ery lo!est pit o hell. +o the silly cod's$headed brothers o the noose dare not then stumble any more at the truckle$bed, to the no small discom ort o their maids, and are e"en orced, poor souls, to take up !ith their o!n bodily !i"es. )i?iE 5 ha"e done. #ou may descant on the institution o %ent as much as you please, cried 1pistemonE so many men so many mindsE but certainly all the physicians !ill be against its being suppressed, though 5 think that time is at hand. 5 kno! they !ill, and ha"e heard 'em say !ere it not or %ent their art !ould soon all into contempt, and they'd get nothing, or hardly anybody !ould be sick. *ll distempers are so!ed in lentE 'tis the true seminary and nati"e bed o all diseasesE nor does it only !eaken and putre y bodies, but it also makes souls mad and uneasy. For then the de"ils do their best, and dri"e a subtle trade, and the tribe o canting dissemblers come out o their holes. 'Tis then term$time !ith your cucullated pieces o ormality that ha"e one ace to God and another to the de"ilE and a !retched clutter they make !ith their sessions, stations, pardons, syntereses, con essions, !hippings, anathematiHations, and much prayer !ith as little de"otion. (o!e"er, 5'll not o er to in er rom this that the *rimaspians are better than !e are in that pointE yet 5 speak to the purpose. ;ell, >uoth Panurge to the +emi>ua"er riar, !ho happened to be by, dear bumbasting, shaking, trilling, >ua"ering cod, !hat thinkest thou o this ello!K 5s he a rank hereticK Fri. <uch. Pan. 'ught he not to be singedK Fri. ;ell. Pan. *s soon as may beK Fri. Right. Pan. +hould not he be scalded irstK Fri. 9o. Pan. (o! then, should he be roastedK Fri. Juick. Pan. Till at last he beK Fri. )ead. Pan. ;hat has he made youK Fri. <ad. Pan. ;hat d'ye take him to beK Fri. )amned. Pan. ;hat place is he to go toK Fri. (ell. Pan. But, irst, ho! !ould you ha"e 'em ser"ed hereK Fri. Burnt. Pan. +ome ha"e been ser"ed soK Fri. +tore. Pan. That !ere hereticsK Fri. %ess. Pan. *nd the number o those that are to be !armed thus herea ter isK

Fri. Great. Pan. (o! many o 'em do you intend to sa"eK Fri. 9one. Pan. +o you'd ha"e them burnedK Fri. *ll. 5 !onder, said 1pistemon to Panurge, !hat pleasure you can ind in talking thus !ith this lousy tatterdemalion o a monk. 5 "o!, did 5 not kno! you !ell, 5 might be ready to think you had no more !it in your head than he has in both his shoulders. Come, come, scatter no !ords, returned PanurgeE e"eryone as they like, as the !oman said !hen she kissed her co!. 5 !ish 5 might carry him to GargantuaE !hen 5'm married he might be my !i e's ool. *nd make you one, cried 1pistemon. ;ell said, >uoth Friar 7ohn. 9o!, poor Panurge, take that along !ith thee, thou'rt e'en ittedE 'tis a plain case thou'lt ne"er escape !earing the bull's eatherE thy !i e !ill be as common as the high!ay, that's certain.

Chapter B.III. (o! !e came to the land o +atin. (a"ing pleased oursel"es !ith obser"ing that ne! order o +emi>ua"er Friars, !e set sail, and in three days our skipper made the inest and most delight ul island that e"er !as seen. (e called it the island o FrieHe, or all the !ays !ere o rieHe. 5n that island is the land o +atin, so celebrated by our court pages. 5ts trees and herbage ne"er lose their lea"es or lo!ers, and are all damask and lo!ered "el"et. *s or the beasts and birds, they are all o tapestry !ork. There !e sa! many beasts, birds on trees, o the same colour, bigness, and shape o those in our countryE !ith this di erence, ho!e"er, that these did eat nothing, and ne"er sung or bit like oursE and !e also sa! there many sorts o creatures !hich !e ne"er had seen be ore. *mong the rest, se"eral elephants in "arious posturesE t!el"e o !hich !ere the si? males and si? emales that !ere brought to Rome by their go"ernor in the time o Germanicus, Tiberius's nephe!. +ome o them !ere learned elephants, some musicians, others philosophers, dancers, and sho!ers o tricksE and all sat do!n at table in good order, silently eating and drinking like so many athers in a ratery$room. ;ith their snouts or proboscises, some t!o cubits long, they dra! up !ater or their o!n drinking, and take hold o palm lea"es, plums, and all manner o edibles, using them o ensi"ely or de ensi"ely as !e do our istsE !ith them tossing men high into the air in ight, and making them burst !ith laughing !hen they come to the ground. They ha"e joints @in their legsD, !hate"er some men, !ho doubtless ne"er sa! any but painted, may ha"e !ritten to the contrary. Bet!een their teeth they ha"e t!o huge hornsE thus 7uba called 'em, and Pausanias tells us they are not teeth, but hornsE ho!e"er, Philostratus !ill ha"e 'em to be teeth, and not horns. 'Tis all one to me, pro"ided you !ill be pleased to o!n them to be true i"ory. These are some three or our cubits long, and are i?ed in the upper ja!bone, and conse>uently not in the lo!ermost. 5 you hearken to those !ho !ill tell you to the contrary, you !ill ind yoursel

damnably mistaken, or that's a lie !ith a latchetE though 't!ere *elian, that long$bo! man, that told you so, ne"er belie"e him, or he lies as ast as a dog can trot. 'T!as in this "ery island that Pliny, his brother tell$truth, had seen some elephants dance on the rope !ith bells, and !hip o"er the tables, presto, begone, !hile people !ere at easts, !ithout so much as touching the toping topers or the topers toping. 5 sa! a rhinoceros there, just such a one as (arry Clerberg had ormerly sho!ed me. <ethought it !as not much unlike a certain boar !hich 5 had ormerly seen at %imoges, e?cept the sharp horn on its snout, that !as about a cubit longE by the means o !hich that animal dares encounter !ith an elephant, that is sometimes killed !ith its point thrust into its belly, !hich is its most tender and de enceless part. 5 sa! there t!o and thirty unicorns. They are a curst sort o creatures, much resembling a ine horse, unless it be that their heads are like a stag's, their eet like an elephant's, their tails like a !ild boar's, and out o each o their oreheads sprouts out a sharp black horn, some si? or se"en eet longE commonly it dangles do!n like a turkey$cock's comb. ;hen a unicorn has a mind to ight, or put it to any other use, !hat does it do but make it stand, and then 'tis as straight as an arro!. 5 sa! one o them, !hich !as attended !ith a throng o other !ild beasts, puri y a ountain !ith its horn. ;ith that Panurge told me that his prancer, alias his nimble$!imble, !as like the unicorn, not altogether in length indeed, but in "irtue and proprietyE or as the unicorn puri ied pools and ountains rom ilth and "enom, so that other animals came and drank securely there a ter!ards, in the like manner others might !ater their nags, and dabble a ter him !ithout ear o shankers, carnosities, gonorrhoeas, buboes, crinkams, and such other plagues caught by those !ho "enture to >uench their amorous thirst in a common puddleE or !ith his ner"ous horn he remo"ed all the in ection that might be lurking in some blind cranny o the mephitic s!eet$scented hole. ;ell, >uoth Friar 7ohn, !hen you are sped, that is, !hen you are married, !e !ill make a trial o this on thy spouse, merely or charity sake, since you are pleased to gi"e us so bene icial an instruction. *y, ay, returned Panurge, and then immediately 5'll gi"e you a pretty gentle aggregati"e pill o God, made up o t!o and t!enty kind stabs !ith a dagger, a ter the Caesarian !ay. Catso, cried Friar 7ohn, 5 had rather take o a bumper o good cool !ine. 5 sa! there the golden leece ormerly con>uered by 7ason, and can assure you, on the !ord o an honest man, that those !ho ha"e said it !as not a leece but a golden pippin, because melon signi ies both an apple and a sheep, !ere utterly mistaken. 5 sa! also a chameleon, such as *ristotle describes it, and like that !hich had been ormerly sho!n me by Charles <aris, a amous physician o the noble city o %yons on the RhoneE and the said chameleon li"ed on air just as the other did. 5 sa! three hydras, like those 5 had ormerly seen. They are a kind o serpent, !ith se"en di erent heads. 5 sa! also ourteen phoeni?es. 5 had read in many authors that there !as

but one in the !hole !orld in e"ery centuryE but, i 5 may presume to speak my mind, 5 declare that those !ho said this had ne"er seen any, unless it !ere in the land o TapestryE though 't!ere "ouched by Claudian or %actantius Firmianus. 5 sa! the skin o *puleius's golden ass. 5 sa! three hundred and nine pelicans. 5tem, si? thousand and si?teen +eleucid birds marching in battalia, and picking up straggling grasshoppers in corn ields. 5tem, some cynamologi, argatiles, caprimulgi, thynnunculs, onocrotals, or bitterns, !ith their !ide s!allo!s, stymphalides, harpies, panthers, dorcasses, or bucks, cemades, cynocephalises, satyrs, cartasans, tarands, uri, monopses, or bonasi, neades, steras, marmosets, or monkeys, bugles, musimons, byturoses, ophyri, screech$o!ls, goblins, airies, and gri ins. 5 sa! <id$%ent o' horseback, !ith <id$*ugust and <id$<arch holding its stirrups. 5 sa! some mankind !ol"es, centaurs, tigers, leopards, hyenas, camelopardals, and ori?es, or huge !ild goats !ith sharp horns. 5 sa! a remora, a little ish called echineis by the Greeks, and near it a tall ship that did not get ahead an inch, though she !as in the o ing !ith top and top$gallants spread be ore the !ind. 5 am some!hat inclined to belie"e that 't!as the "ery numerical ship in !hich Periander the tyrant happened to be !hen it !as stopped by such a little ish in spite o !ind and tide. 5t !as in this land o +atin, and in no other, that <utianus had seen one o them. Friar 7ohn told us that in the days o yore t!o sorts o ishes used to abound in our courts o judicature, and rotted the bodies and tormented the souls o those !ho !ere at la!, !hether noble or o mean descent, high or lo!, rich or poor& the irst !ere your *pril ish or mackerel @pimps, panders, and ba!dsDE the others your bene icial remoras, that is, the eternity o la!suits, the needless lets that keep 'em undecided. 5 sa! some sphynges, some raphes, some ounces, and some cepphi, !hose ore$ eet are like hands and their hind$ eet like man's. *lso some crocutas and some eali as big as sea$horses, !ith elephants' tails, boars' ja!s and tusks, and horns as pliant as an ass's ears. The crocutas, most leet animals, as big as our asses o <irebalais, ha"e necks, tails, and breasts like a lion's, legs like a stag's, ha"e mouths up to the ears, and but t!o teeth, one abo"e and one belo!E they speak !ith human "oices, but !hen they do they say nothing. +ome people say that none e'er sa! an eyrie, or nest o sakersE i you'll belie"e me, 5 sa! no less than ele"en, and 5'm sure 5 reckoned right. 5 sa! some le t$handed halberds, !hich !ere the irst that 5 had e"er seen. 5 sa! some manticores, a most strange sort o creatures, !hich ha"e the body o a lion, red hair, a ace and ears like a man's, three ro!s o teeth

!hich close together as i you joined your hands !ith your ingers bet!een each otherE they ha"e a sting in their tails like a scorpion's, and a "ery melodious "oice. 5 sa! some catablepases, a sort o serpents, !hose bodies are small, but their heads large, !ithout any proportion, so that they'"e much ado to li t them upE and their eyes are so in ectious that !hoe"er sees 'em dies upon the spot, as i he had seen a basilisk. 5 sa! some beasts !ith t!o backs, and those seemed to me the merriest creatures in the !orld. They !ere most nimble at !riggling the buttocks, and more diligent in tail$!agging than any !ater$!agtails, perpetually jogging and shaking their double rumps. 5 sa! there some milched cra! ish, creatures that 5 ne"er had heard o be ore in my li e. These mo"ed in "ery good order, and 't!ould ha"e done your heart good to ha"e seen 'em.

Chapter B.III5. (o! in the land o +atin !e sa! (earsay, !ho kept a school o "ouching. ;e !ent a little higher up into the country o Tapestry, and sa! the <editerranean +ea open to the right and le t do!n to the "ery bottomE just as the Red +ea "ery airly le t its bed at the *rabian Gul to make a lane or the 7e!s !hen they le t 1gypt. There 5 ound Triton !inding his sil"er shell instead o a horn, and also Glaucus, Proteus, 9ereus, and a thousand other godlings and sea monsters. 5 also sa! an in inite number o ish o all kinds, dancing, lying, "aulting, ighting, eating, breathing, billing, sho"ing, milting, spa!ning, hunting, ishing, skirmishing, lying in ambuscado, making truces, cheapening, bargaining, s!earing, and sporting. 5n a blind corner !e sa! *ristotle holding a lantern in the posture in !hich the hermit uses to be dra!n near +t. Christopher, !atching, prying, thinking, and setting e"erything do!n. Behind him stood a pack o other philosophers, like so many bums by a head$baili , as *ppian, (eliodorus, *thenaeus, Porphyrius, Pancrates, *rcadian, 9umenius, Possidonius, '"idius, 'ppianus, 'lympius, +eleucus, %eonides, *gathocles, Theophrastus, )amostratus, <utianus, 9ymphodorus, *elian, and i"e hundred other such plodding dons, !ho !ere ull o business, yet had little to doE like Chrysippus or *ristarchus o +oli, !ho or eight$and$ i ty years together did nothing in the !orld but e?amine the state and concerns o bees. 5 spied Peter Gilles among these, !ith a urinal in his hand, narro!ly !atching the !ater o those goodly ishes. ;hen !e had long beheld e"erything in this land o +atin, Pantagruel said, 5 ha"e su iciently ed my eyes, but my belly is empty all this !hile, and chimes to let me kno! 'tis time to go to dinner. %et's take care o the body lest the soul abdicate itE and to this e ect let's taste some o

these anacampserotes @'*n herb, the touching o !hich is said to reconcile lo"ers.'$$<otteu?.D that hang o"er our heads. Psha, cried one, they are mere trash, stark naught, o' my !ordE they're good or nothing. 5 then !ent to pluck some mirobolans o o a piece o tapestry !hereon they hung, but the de"il a bit 5 could che! or s!allo! 'emE and had you had them bet!i?t your teeth you !ould ha"e s!orn they had been thro!n silkE there !as no manner o sa"our in 'em. 'ne might be apt to think (eliogabalus had taken a hint rom thence, to east those !hom he had caused to ast a long time, promising them a sumptuous, plenti ul, and imperial east a ter itE or all the treat used to amount to no more than se"eral sorts o meat in !a?, marble, earthen!are, painted and igured tablecloths. ;hile !e !ere looking up and do!n to ind some more substantial ood, !e heard a loud "arious noise, like that o paper$mills @or !omen bucking o linenDE so !ith all speed !e !ent to the place !hence the noise came, !here !e ound a diminuti"e, monstrous, misshapen old ello!, called (earsay. (is mouth !as slit up to his ears, and in it !ere se"en tongues, each o them cle t into se"en parts. (o!e"er, he chattered, tattled, and prated !ith all the se"en at once, o di erent matters, and in di"ers languages. (e had as many ears all o"er his head and the rest o his body as *rgus ormerly had eyes, and !as as blind as a beetle, and had the palsy in his legs. *bout him stood an innumerable number o men and !omen, gaping, listening, and hearing "ery intensely. *mong 'em 5 obser"ed some !ho strutted like cro!s in a gutter, and principally a "ery handsome bodied man in the ace, !ho held then a map o the !orld, and !ith little aphorisms compendiously e?plained e"erything to 'emE so that those men o happy memories gre! learned in a trice, and !ould most luently talk !ith you o a !orld o prodigious things, the hundredth part o !hich !ould take up a man's !hole li e to be ully kno!n. *mong the rest they descanted !ith great proli?ity on the pyramids and hieroglyphics o 1gypt, o the 9ile, o Babylon, o the Troglodytes, the (ymantopodes, or crump$ ooted nation, the Blemiae, people that !ear their heads in the middle o their breasts, the Pigmies, the Cannibals, the (yperborei and their mountains, the 1gypanes !ith their goat's eet, and the de"il and all o othersE e"ery indi"idual !ord o it by hearsay. 5 am much mistaken i 5 did not see among them (erodotus, Pliny, +olinus, Berosus, Philostratus, Pomponius <ela, +trabo, and God kno!s ho! many other anti>uaries. Then *lbert, the great 7acobin riar, Peter Tesmoin, alias ;itness, Pope Pius the +econd, =olaterranus, Paulus 7o"ius the "aliant, 7emmy Cartier, Chaton the *rmenian, <arco Polo the =enetian, %udo"ico Romano, Pedro *liares, and orty cartloads o other modern historians, lurking behind a piece o tapestry, !here they !ere at it ding$dong, pri"ately scribbling the %ord kno!s !hat, and making rare !ork o itE and all by hearsay. Behind another piece o tapestry @on !hich 9aboth and +usanna's accusers !ere airly representedD, 5 sa! close by (earsay, good store o men o the country o Perce and <aine, notable students, and young enough.

5 asked !hat sort o study they applied themsel"es toE and !as told that rom their youth they learned to be e"idences, a ida"it$men, and "ouchers, and !ere instructed in the art o s!earingE in !hich they soon became such pro icients, that !hen they le t that country, and !ent back into their o!n, they set up or themsel"es and "ery honestly li"ed by their trade o e"idencing, positi"ely gi"ing their testimony o all things !hatsoe"er to those !ho eed them most roundly to do a job o journey$!ork or themE and all this by hearsay. #ou may think !hat you !ill o itE but 5 can assure you they ga"e some o us corners o their cakes, and !e merrily helped to empty their hogsheads. Then, in a riendly manner, they ad"ised us to be as sparing o truth as possibly !e could i e"er !e had a mind to get court pre erment.

Chapter B.III55. (o! !e came in sight o %antern$land. (a"ing been but scur"ily entertained in the land o +atin, !e !ent o' board, and ha"ing set sail, in our days came near the coast o %antern$land. ;e then sa! certain little ho"ering ires on the sea. For my part, 5 did not take them to be lanterns, but rather thought they !ere ishes !hich lolled their laming tongues on the sur ace o the sea, or lampyrides, !hich some call cicindelas, or glo!!orms, shining there as ripe barley does o' nights in my country. But the skipper satis ied us that they !ere the lanterns o the !atch, or, more properly, lighthouses, set up in many places round the precinct o the place to disco"er the land, and or the sa e piloting in o some outlandish lanterns, !hich, like good Franciscan and 7acobin riars, !ere coming to make their personal appearance at the pro"incial chapter. (o!e"er, some o us !ere some!hat suspicious that these ires !ere the orerunners o some storm, but the skipper assured us again they !ere not.

Chapter B.III555. (o! !e landed at the port o the %ychnobii, and came to %antern$land. +oon a ter !e arri"ed at the port o %antern$land, !here Pantagruel disco"ered on a high to!er the lantern o Rochelle, that stood us in good stead, or it cast a great light. ;e also sa! the lantern o Pharos, that o 9auplion, and that o *cropolis at *thens, sacred to Pallas. 9ear the port there's a little hamlet inhabited by the %ychnobii, that li"e by lanterns, as the gulligutted riars in our country li"e by nunsE they are studious people, and as honest men as e"er shit in a trumpet. )emosthenes had ormerly lanterniHed there. ;e !ere conducted rom that place to the palace by three obeliscolichnys

@'* kind o beacons.'$$<otteu?.D, military guards o the port, !ith high$cro!ned hats, !hom !e ac>uainted !ith the cause o our "oyage, and our design, !hich !as to desire the >ueen o the country to grant us a lantern to light and conduct us during our "oyage to the 'racle o the (oly Bottle. They promised to assist us in this, and added that !e could ne"er ha"e come in a better time, or then the lanterns held their pro"incial chapter. ;hen !e came to the royal palace !e had audience o her highness the Jueen o %antern$land, being introduced by t!o lanterns o honour, that o *ristophanes and that o Cleanthes @<otteu? adds here$$'<istresses o the ceremonies.'D. Panurge in a e! !ords ac>uainted her !ith the causes o our "oyage, and she recei"ed us !ith great demonstrations o riendship, desiring us to come to her at supper$time that !e might more easily make choice o one to be our guideE !hich pleased us e?tremely. ;e did not ail to obser"e intensely e"erything !e could see, as the garbs, motions, and deportment o the >ueen's subjects, principally the manner a ter !hich she !as ser"ed. The bright >ueen !as dressed in "irgin crystal o Tutia !rought damask!ise, and beset !ith large diamonds. The lanterns o the royal blood !ere clad partly !ith bastard$diamonds, partly !ith diaphanous stonesE the rest !ith horn, paper, and oiled cloth. The cresset$lights took place according to the anti>uity and lustre o their amilies. *n earthen dark$lantern, shaped like a pot, not!ithstanding this took place o some o the irst >ualityE at !hich 5 !ondered much, till 5 !as told it !as that o 1pictetus, or !hich three thousand drachmas had been ormerly re used. <artial's polymi? lantern @<otteu? gi"es a ootnote&$$'* lamp !ith many !icks, or a branch'd candlestick !ith many springs coming out o it, that supply all the branches !ith oil.'D made a "ery good igure there. 5 took particular notice o its dress, and more yet o the lychnosimity ormerly consecrated by Canopa, the daughter o Tisias. 5 sa! the lantern pensile ormerly taken out o the temple o *pollo Palatinus at Thebes, and a ter!ards by *le?ander the Great @carried to the to!n o CymosD. @The !ords in brackets ha"e been omitted by <otteu?.D 5 sa! another that distinguished itsel rom the rest by a bushy tu t o crimson silk on its head. 5 !as told 't!as that o Bartolus, the lantern o the ci"ilians. T!o others !ere "ery remarkable or glister$pouches that dangled at their !aist. ;e !ere told that one !as the greater light and the other the lesser light o the apothecaries. ;hen 't!as supper$time, the >ueen's highness irst sat do!n, and then the lady lanterns, according to their rank and dignity. For the irst course they !ere all ser"ed !ith large Christmas candles, e?cept the >ueen, !ho !as ser"ed !ith a hugeous, thick, sti , laming taper o !hite !a?, some!hat red to!ards the tipE and the royal amily, as also the pro"incial lantern o <irebalais, !ho !ere ser"ed !ith nutlightsE and the pro"incial

o %o!er Poitou, !ith an armed candle. * ter that, God !ot, !hat a glorious light they ga"e !ith their !icksL 5 do not say all, or you must e?cept a parcel o junior lanterns, under the go"ernment o a high and mighty one. These did not cast a light like the rest, but seemed to me dimmer than any long$snu arthing candle !hose tallo! has been hal melted a!ay in a hothouse. * ter supper !e !ithdre! to take some rest, and the ne?t day the >ueen made us choose one o the most illustrious lanterns to guide usE a ter !hich !e took our lea"e.

Chapter B.III5=. (o! !e arri"ed at the 'racle o the Bottle. 'ur glorious lantern lighting and directing us to heart's content, !e at last arri"ed at the desired island !here !as the 'racle o the Bottle. *s soon as riend Panurge landed, he nimbly cut a caper !ith one leg or joy, and cried to Pantagruel, 9o! !e are !here !e ha"e !ished oursel"es long ago. This is the place !e'"e been seeking !ith such toil and labour. (e then made a compliment to our lantern, !ho desired us to be o good cheer, and not be daunted or dismayed !hate"er !e might chance to see. To come to the Temple o the (oly Bottle !e !ere to go through a large "ineyard, in !hich !ere all sorts o "ines, as the Falernian, <al"oisian, the <uscadine, those o Taige, Beaune, <ire"au?, 'rleans, Picardent, *rbois, Coussi, *njou, Gra"e, Corsica, =ierron, 9erac, and others. This "ineyard !as ormerly planted by the good Bacchus, !ith so great a blessing that it yields lea"es, lo!ers, and ruit all the year round, like the orange trees at +uraine. 'ur magni icent lantern ordered e"ery one o us to eat three grapes, to put some "ine$lea"es in his shoes, and take a "ine$branch in his le t hand. *t the end o the close !e !ent under an arch built a ter the manner o those o the ancients. The trophies o a toper !ere curiously car"ed on it. First, on one side !as to be seen a long train o lagons, leathern bottles, lasks, cans, glass bottles, barrels, nipperkins, pint pots, >uart pots, pottles, gallons, and old$ ashioned semaises @s!ingeing !ooden pots, such as those out o !hich the Germans ill their glassesDE these hung on a shady arbour. 'n another side !as store o garlic, onions, shallots, hams, botargos, ca"iare, biscuits, neat's tongues, old cheese, and such like com its, "ery arti icially inter!o"en, and packed together !ith "ine$stocks. 'n another !ere a hundred sorts o drinking glasses, cups, cisterns, e!ers, alse cups, tumblers, bo!ls, maHers, mugs, jugs, goblets, talboys, and such other Bacchic artillery. 'n the rontispiece o the triumphal arch, under the Hoophore, !as the ollo!ing couplet&

#ou !ho presume to mo"e this !ay, Get a good lantern, lest you stray. ;e took special care o that, cried Pantagruel !hen he had read themE or there is not a better or a more di"ine lantern than ours in all %antern$land. This arch ended at a ine large round alley co"ered o"er !ith the interlaid branches o "ines, loaded and adorned !ith clusters o i"e hundred di erent colours, and o as many "arious shapes, not natural, but due to the skill o agricultureE some !ere golden, others bluish, ta!ny, aHure, !hite, black, green, purple, streaked !ith many colours, long, round, triangular, cod$like, hairy, great$headed, and grassy. That pleasant alley ended at three old i"y$trees, "erdant, and all loaden !ith rings. 'ur enlightened lantern directed us to make oursel"es hats !ith some o their lea"es, and co"er our heads !holly !ith them, !hich !as immediately done. 7upiter's priestess, said Pantagruel, in ormer days !ould not like us ha"e !alked under this arbour. There !as a mystical reason, ans!ered our most perspicuous lantern, that !ould ha"e hindered herE or had she gone under it, the !ine, or the grapes o !hich 'tis made, that's the same thing, had been o"er her head, and then she !ould ha"e seemed o"ertopped and mastered by !ine. ;hich implies that priests, and all persons !ho de"ote themsel"es to the contemplation o di"ine things, ought to keep their minds sedate and calm, and a"oid !hate"er might disturb and discompose their tran>uillity, !hich nothing is more apt to do than drunkenness. #ou also, continued our lantern, could not come into the (oly Bottle's presence, a ter you ha"e gone through this arch, did not that noble priestess Bacbuc irst see your shoes ull o "ine$lea"esE !hich action is diametrically opposite to the other, and signi ies that you despise !ine, and ha"ing mastered it, as it !ere, tread it under oot. 5 am no scholar, >uoth Friar 7ohn, or !hich 5'm heartily sorry, yet 5 ind by my bre"iary that in the Re"elation a !oman !as seen !ith the moon under her eet, !hich !as a most !onder ul sight. 9o!, as Bigot e?plained it to me, this !as to signi y that she !as not o the nature o other !omenE or they ha"e all the moon at their heads, and conse>uently their brains are al!ays troubled !ith a lunacy. This makes me !illing to belie"e !hat you said, dear <adam %antern.

Chapter B.III=. (o! !e !ent underground to come to the Temple o the (oly Bottle, and ho! Chinon is the oldest city in the !orld. ;e !ent underground through a plastered "ault, on !hich !as coarsely painted a dance o !omen and satyrs !aiting on old +ilenus, !ho !as grinning o' horseback on his ass. This made me say to Pantagruel, that this entry put me in mind o the painted cellar in the oldest city in the !orld, !here such paintings are to be seen, and in as cool a place. ;hich is the oldest city in the !orldK asked Pantagruel. 'Tis Chinon, sir, or Cainon in Touraine, said 5. 5 kno!, returned Pantagruel, !here Chinon

lies, and the painted cellar also, ha"ing mysel drunk there many a glass o cool !ineE neither do 5 doubt but that Chinon is an ancient to!n $$!itness its blaHon. 5 o!n 'tis said t!ice or thrice& Chinon, %ittle to!n, Great reno!n, 'n old stone %ong has stoodE There's the =ienne, i you look do!nE 5 you look up, there's the !ood. But ho!, continued he, can you make it out that 'tis the oldest city in the !orldK ;here did you ind this !rittenK 5 ha"e ound it in the sacred !rit, said 5, that Cain !as the irst that built a to!nE !e may then reasonably conjecture that rom his name he ga"e it that o Cainon. Thus, a ter his e?ample, most other ounders o to!ns ha"e gi"en them their names& *thena, that's <iner"a in Greek, to *thensE *le?ander to *le?andriaE Constantine to ConstantinopleE Pompey to Pompeiopolis in CiliciaE *drian to *drianopleE Canaan, to the CanaanitesE +aba, to the +abaeansE *ssur, to the *ssyriansE and so Ptolemais, Caesarea, Tiberias, and (erodium in 7udaea got their names. ;hile !e !ere thus talking, there came to us the great lask !hom our lantern called the philosopher, her holiness the Bottle's go"ernor. (e !as attended !ith a troop o the temple$guards, all French bottles in !icker armourE and seeing us !ith our ja"elins !rapped !ith i"y, !ith our illustrious lantern, !hom he kne!, he desired us to come in !ith all manner o sa ety, and ordered !e should be immediately conducted to the Princess Bacbuc, the Bottle's lady o honour, and priestess o all the mysteriesE !hich !as done.

Chapter B.III=5. (o! !e !ent do!n the tetradic steps, and o Panurge's ear. ;e !ent do!n one marble step under ground, !here there !as a resting, or, as our !orkmen call it, a landing$placeE then, turning to the le t, !e !ent do!n t!o other steps, !here there !as another resting$placeE a ter that !e came to three other steps, turning about, and met a thirdE and the like at our steps !hich !e met a ter!ards. There >uoth Panurge, 5s it hereK (o! many steps ha"e you toldK asked our magni icent lantern. 'ne, t!o, three, our, ans!ered Pantagruel. (o! much is thatK asked she. Ten, returned he. <ultiply that, said she, according to the same Pythagorical tetrad. That is, ten, t!enty, thirty, orty, cried Pantagruel. (o! much is the !holeK said she. 'ne hundred, ans!ered Pantagruel. *dd, continued she, the irst cube$$that's eight. *t the end o that atal number you'll ind the temple gateE and pray obser"e, this is the true psychogony o Plato, so celebrated by the *cademics, yet so little understoodE one moiety o !hich consists o the unity o the t!o irst numbers ull o t!o s>uare and t!o cubic numbers. ;e then !ent do!n those numerical stairs, all under ground, and 5 can assure you, in the irst place, that our legs stood us in good steadE or had it not been or 'em, !e had rolled just like so many hogsheads into a "ault. +econdly, our radiant lantern ga"e us just so much light as is in +t. Patrick's hole in 5reland, or Trophonius's pit in BoeotiaE !hich caused

Panurge to say to her, a ter !e had got do!n some se"enty$eight steps& )ear madam, !ith a sorro! ul, aching heart, 5 most humbly beseech your lanternship to lead us back. <ay 5 be led to hell i 5 be not hal dead !ith earE my heart is sunk do!n into my hoseE 5 am a raid 5 shall make buttered eggs in my breeches. 5 reely consent ne"er to marry. #ou ha"e gi"en yoursel too much trouble on my account. The %ord shall re!ard you in his great re!arderE neither !ill 5 be ungrate ul !hen 5 come out o this ca"e o Troglodytes. %et's go back, 5 pray you. 5'm "ery much a raid this is Taenarus, the lo! !ay to hell, and methinks 5 already hear Cerberus bark. (arkL 5 hear the cur, or my ears tingle. 5 ha"e no manner o kindness or the dog, or there ne"er is a greater toothache than !hen dogs bite us by the shins. *nd i this be only Trophonius's pit, the lemures, hobthrushes, and goblins !ill certainly s!allo! us ali"e, just as they de"oured ormerly one o )emetrius's halberdiers or !ant o bridles. *rt thou here, Friar 7ohnK Prithee, dear, dear cod, stay by meE 5'm almost dead !ith ear. (ast thou got thy bilboK *lasL poor pilgarlic's de enceless. 5'm a naked man, thou kno!estE let's go back. Ooons, ear nothing, cried Friar 7ohnE 5'm by thee, and ha"e thee ast by the collarE eighteen de"ils shan't get thee out o my clutches, though 5 !ere unarmed. 9e"er did a man yet !ant !eapons !ho had a good arm !ith as stout a heart. (ea"en !ould sooner send do!n a sho!er o themE e"en as in Pro"ence, in the ields o %a Crau, near <ariannes, there rained stones @they are there to this dayD to help (ercules, !ho other!ise !anted !here!ithal to ight 9eptune's t!o bastards. But !hither are !e boundK *re !e a$going to the little children's limboK By Pluto, they'll bepa! and conskite us all. 'r are !e going to hell or ordersK By cob's body, 5'll hamper, beth!ack, and belabour all the de"ils, no! 5 ha"e some "ine$lea"es in my shoes. Thou shalt see me lay about me like mad, old boy. ;hich !ayK !here the de"il are theyK 5 ear nothing but their damned hornsE but cuckoldy Panurge's bull$ eather !ill altogether secure me rom 'em. %oL in a prophetic spirit 5 already see him, like another *ctaeon, horned, horny, horni ied. Prithee, >uoth Panurge, take heed thysel , dear rater, lest, till monks ha"e lea"e to marry, thou !eddest something thou dostn't like, as some cat$o'$nine$tails or the >uartan agueE i thou dost, may 5 ne"er come sa e and sound out o this hypogeum, this subterranean ca"e, i 5 don't tup and ram that disease merely or the sake o making thee a cornuted, corni erous propertyE other!ise 5 ancy the >uartan ague is but an indi erent bed ello!. 5 remember Gripe$men$all threatened to !ed thee to some such thingE or !hich thou calledest him heretic. (ere our splendid lantern interrupted them, letting us kno! this !as the place !here !e !ere to ha"e a taste o the creature, and be silentE bidding us not despair o ha"ing the !ord o the Bottle be ore !e !ent back, since !e had lined our shoes !ith "ine$lea"es. Come on then, cried Panurge, let's charge through and through all the de"ils o hellE !e can but perish, and that's soon done. (o!e"er, 5 thought to ha"e reser"ed my li e or some mighty battle. <o"e, mo"e, mo"e or!ardsE 5 am as stout as (ercules, my breeches are ull o courageE my heart trembles a little, 5 o!n, but that's only an e ect o the coldness and dampness o this "aultE 'tis neither ear nor ague. Come on, mo"e on, piss, pish, push on. <y name's ;illiam )readnought.

Chapter B.III=55.

(o! the temple gates in a !onder ul manner opened o themsel"es. * ter !e !ere got do!n the steps, !e came to a portal o ine jasper, o )oric order, on !hose ront !e read this sentence in the inest gold, 19 '59' *%1T(15*$$that is, 5n !ine truth. The gates !ere o Corinthian$like brass, massy, !rought !ith little "ine$branches, inely embossed and engra"en, and !ere e>ually joined and closed together in their mortise !ithout padlock, key$chain, or tie !hatsoe"er. ;here they joined, there hanged an 5ndian loadstone as big as an 1gyptian bean, set in gold, ha"ing t!o points, he?agonal, in a right lineE and on each side, to!ards the !all, hung a hand ul o scordium @garlic germanderD. There our noble lantern desired us not to take it amiss that she !ent no arther !ith us, lea"ing us !holly to the conduct o the priestess BacbucE or she hersel !as not allo!ed to go in, or certain causes rather to be concealed than re"ealed to mortals. (o!e"er, she ad"ised us to be resolute and secure, and to trust to her or the return. +he then pulled the loadstone that hung at the olding o the gates, and thre! it into a sil"er bo? i?ed or that purposeE !hich done, rom the threshold o each gate she dre! a t!ine o crimson silk about nine eet long, by !hich the scordium hung, and ha"ing astened it to t!o gold buckles that hung at the sides, she !ithdre!. 5mmediately the gates le! open !ithout being touchedE not !ith a creaking or loud harsh noise like that made by hea"y braHen gates, but !ith a so t pleasing murmur that resounded through the arches o the temple. Pantagruel soon kne! the cause o it, ha"ing disco"ered a small cylinder or roller that joined the gates o"er the threshold, and, turning like them to!ards the !all on a hard !ell$polished ophites stone, !ith rubbing and rolling caused that harmonious murmur. 5 !ondered ho! the gates thus opened o themsel"es to the right and le t, and a ter !e !ere all got in, 5 cast my eye bet!een the gates and the !all to endea"our to kno! ho! this happenedE or one !ould ha"e thought our kind lantern had put bet!een the gates the herb aethiopis, !hich they say opens some things that are shut. But 5 percei"ed that the parts o the gates that joined on the inside !ere co"ered !ith steel, and just !here the said gates touched !hen they !ere opened 5 sa! t!o s>uare 5ndian loadstones o a bluish hue, !ell polished, and hal a span broad, mortised in the temple !all. 9o!, by the hidden and admirable po!er o the loadstones, the steel plates !ere put into motion, and conse>uently the gates !ere slo!ly dra!nE ho!e"er, not al!ays, but !hen the said loadstone on the outside !as remo"ed, a ter !hich the steel !as reed rom its po!er, the t!o bunches o scordium being at the same time put at some distance, because it deadens the magnes and robs it o its attracti"e "irtue. 'n the loadstone that !as placed on the right side the ollo!ing iambic "erse !as curiously engra"en in ancient Roman characters& )ucunt "olentem ata, nolentem trahunt. Fate leads the !illing, and th' un!illing dra!s. The ollo!ing sentence !as neatly cut in the loadstone that !as on the le t&

*%% T(59G+ T19) T' T(15R 19).

Chapter B.III=555. ' the Temple's admirable pa"ement. ;hen 5 had read those inscriptions, 5 admired the beauty o the temple, and particularly the disposition o its pa"ement, !ith !hich no !ork that is no!, or has been under the cope o hea"en, can justly be comparedE not that o the Temple o Fortune at Praeneste in +ylla's time, or the pa"ement o the Greeks, called asarotum, laid by +osistratus at Pergamus. For this here !as !holly in compartments o precious stones, all in their natural colours& one o red jasper, most charmingly spottedE another o ophitesE a third o porphyryE a ourth o lycophthalmy, a stone o our di erent colours, po!dered !ith sparks o gold as small as atomsE a i th o agate, streaked here and there !ith small milk$coloured !a"esE a si?th o costly chalcedony or ony?$stoneE and another o green jasper, !ith certain red and yello!ish "eins. *nd all these !ere disposed in a diagonal line. *t the portico some small stones !ere inlaid and e"enly joined on the loor, all in their nati"e colours, to embellish the design o the iguresE and they !ere ordered in such a manner that you !ould ha"e thought some "ine$lea"es and branches had been carelessly stre!ed on the pa"ementE or in some places they !ere thick, and thin in others. That inlaying !as "ery !onder ul e"ery!here. (ere !ere seen, as it !ere in the shade, some snails cra!ling on the grapesE there, little liHards running on the branches. 'n this side !ere grapes that seemed yet greenishE on another, some clusters that seemed ull ripe, so like the true that they could as easily ha"e decei"ed starlings and other birds as those !hich Oeu?is dre!. 9ay, !e oursel"es !ere decei"edE or !here the artist seemed to ha"e stre!ed the "ine$branches thickest, !e could not orbear !alking !ith great strides lest !e should entangle our eet, just as people go o"er an une>ual stony place. 5 then cast my eyes on the roo and !alls o the temple, that !ere all pargetted !ith porphyry and mosaic !ork, !hich rom the le t side at the coming in most admirably represented the battle in !hich the good Bacchus o"erthre! the 5ndiansE as ollo!eth.

Chapter B.III5I. (o! !e sa! Bacchus's army dra!n up in battalia in mosaic !ork. *t the beginning, di"ers to!ns, hamlets, castles, ortresses, and orests !ere seen in lamesE and se"eral mad and loose !omen, !ho uriously ripped up and tore li"e cal"es, sheep, and lambs limb rom limb, and de"oured their lesh. There !e learned ho! Bacchus, at his coming into 5ndia, destroyed all things !ith ire and s!ord. 9ot!ithstanding this, he !as so despised by the 5ndians that they did not think it !orth their !hile to stop his progress, ha"ing been certainly

in ormed by their spies that his camp !as destitute o !arriors, and that he had only !ith him a cre! o drunken emales, a lo!$built, old, e eminate, sottish ello!, continually addled, and as drunk as a !heelbarro!, !ith a pack o young clo!nish doddipolls, stark naked, al!ays skipping and risking up and do!n, !ith tails and horns like those o young kids. For this reason the 5ndians had resol"ed to let them go through their country !ithout the least opposition, esteeming a "ictory o"er such enemies more dishonourable than glorious. 5n the meantime Bacchus marched on, burning e"erythingE or, as you kno!, ire and thunder are his paternal arms, 7upiter ha"ing saluted his mother +emele !ith his thunder, so that his maternal house !as ruined by ire. Bacchus also caused a great deal o blood to be spiltE !hich, !hen he is roused and angered, principally in !ar, is as natural to him as to make some in time o peace. Thus the plains o the island o +amos are called Panema, !hich signi ies bloody, because Bacchus there o"ertook the *maHons, !ho led rom the country o 1phesus, and there let 'em blood, so that they all died o phlebotomy. This may gi"e you a better insight into the meaning o an ancient pro"erb than *ristotle has done in his problems, "iH., ;hy 't!as ormerly said, 9either eat nor so! any mint in time o !ar. The reason is, that blo!s are gi"en then !ithout any distinction o parts or persons, and i a man that's !ounded has that day handled or eaten any mint, 'tis impossible, or at least "ery hard, to stanch his blood. * ter this, Bacchus !as seen marching in battalia, riding in a stately chariot dra!n by si? young leopards. (e looked as young as a child, to sho! that all good topers ne"er gro! old. (e !as as red as a cherry, or a cherub, !hich you please, and had no more hair on his chin than there's in the inside o my hand. (is orehead !as graced !ith pointed horns, abo"e !hich he !ore a ine cro!n or garland o "ine$lea"es and grapes, and a mitre o crimson "el"et, ha"ing also gilt buskins on. (e had not one man !ith him that looked like a manE his guards and all his orces consisted !holly o Bassarides, 1"antes, 1uhyades, 1donides, Trietherides, 'gygiae, <imallonides, <aenades, Thyades, and Bacchae, rantic, ra"ing, raging, urious, mad !omen, begirt !ith li"e snakes and serpents instead o girdles, dishe"elled, their hair lo!ing about their shoulders, !ith garlands o "ine$branches instead o orehead$cloths, clad !ith stag's or goat's skins, and armed !ith torches, ja"elins, spears, and halberds !hose ends !ere like pineapples. Besides, they had certain small light bucklers that ga"e a loud sound i you touched 'em ne"er so little, and these ser"ed them instead o drums. They !ere just se"enty$nine thousand t!o hundred and t!enty$se"en. +ilenus, !ho led the "an, !as one on !hom Bacchus relied "ery much, ha"ing ormerly had many proo s o his "alour and conduct. (e !as a diminuti"e, stooping, palsied, plump, gorbellied old ello!, !ith a s!ingeing pair o sti $standing lugs o his o!n, a sharp Roman nose, large rough eyebro!s, mounted on a !ell$hung ass. 5n his ist he held a sta to lean upon, and also bra"ely to ight !hene"er he had occasion to alightE and he !as dressed in a !oman's yello! go!n. (is ollo!ers !ere all young, !ild, clo!nish people, as horni ied as so many kids and as ell as so many tigers, naked, and perpetually singing and dancing country$dances. They

!ere called tityri and satyrs, and !ere in all eighty$ i"e thousand one hundred and thirty$three. Pan, !ho brought up the rear, !as a monstrous sort o a thingE or his lo!er parts !ere like a goat's, his thighs hairy, and his horns bolt uprightE a crimson iery phiH, and a beard that !as none o the shortest. (e !as a bold, stout, daring, desperate ello!, "ery apt to take pepper in the nose or yea and nay. 5n his le t hand he held a pipe, and a crooked stick in his right. (is orces consisted also !holly o satyrs, aegipanes, agripanes, syl"ans, auns, lemures, lares, el"es, and hobgoblins, and their number !as se"enty$eight thousand one hundred and ourteen. The signal or !ord common to all the army !as 1"ohe.

Chapter B.I%. (o! the battle in !hich the good Bacchus o"erthre! the 5ndians !as represented in mosaic !ork. 5n the ne?t place !e sa! the representation o the good Bacchus's engagement !ith the 5ndians. +ilenus, !ho led the "an, !as s!eating, pu ing, and blo!ing, belabouring his ass most grie"ously. The ass dread ully opened its !ide ja!s, dro"e a!ay the lies that plagued it, !inced, lounced, !ent back, and bestirred itsel in a most terrible manner, as i some damned gad$bee had stung it at the breech. The satyrs, captains, sergeants, and corporals o companies, sounding the orgies !ith cornets, in a urious manner !ent round the army, skipping, capering, bounding, jerking, arting, lying out at heels, kicking and prancing like mad, encouraging their companions to ight bra"elyE and all the delineated army cried out 1"oheL First, the <aenades charged the 5ndians !ith dread ul shouts, and a horrid din o their braHen drums and bucklersE the air rung again all around, as the mosaic !ork !ell e?pressed it. *nd pray or the uture don't so much admire *pelles, *ristides the Theban, and others !ho dre! claps o thunder, lightnings, !inds, !ords, manners, and spirits. ;e then sa! the 5ndian army, !ho had at last taken the ield to pre"ent the de"astation o the rest o their country. 5n the ront !ere the elephants, !ith castles !ell garrisoned on their backs. But the army and themsel"es !ere put into disorderE the dread ul cries o the Bacchae ha"ing illed them !ith consternation, and those huge animals turned tail and trampled on the men o their party. There you might ha"e seen ga er +ilenus on his ass, putting on as hard as he could, striking ath!art and alongst, and laying about him lustily !ith his sta a ter the old ashion o encing. (is ass !as prancing and making a ter the elephants, gaping and martially braying, as it !ere to sound a charge, as he did !hen ormerly in the Bacchanalian easts he !aked the nymph %ottis, !hen Priapus, ull o priapism, had a mind to priapiHe !hile the pretty creature !as taking a nap. There you might ha"e seen Pan risk it !ith his goatish shanks about the

<aenades, and !ith his rustic pipe e?cite them to beha"e themsel"es like <aenades. * little urther you might ha"e blessed your eyes !ith the sight o a young satyr !ho led se"enteen kings his prisonersE and a Bacchis, !ho !ith her snakes hauled along no less than t!o and orty captainsE a little aun, !ho carried a !hole doHen o standards taken rom the enemyE and goodman Bacchus on his chariot, riding to and ro earless o danger, making much o his dear carcass, and cheer ully toping to all his merry riends. Finally, !e sa! the representation o his triumph, !hich !as thus& irst, his chariot !as !holly lined !ith i"y gathered on the mountain <erosE this or its scarcity, !hich you kno! raises the price o e"erything, and principally o those lea"es in 5ndia. 5n this *le?ander the Great ollo!ed his e?ample at his 5ndian triumph. The chariot !as dra!n by elephants joined together, !herein he !as imitated by Pompey the Great at Rome in his * rican triumph. The good Bacchus !as seen drinking out o a mighty urn, !hich action <arius aped a ter his "ictory o"er the Cimbri near *i? in Pro"ence. *ll his army !ere cro!ned !ith i"yE their ja"elins, bucklers, and drums !ere also !holly co"ered !ith itE there !as not so much as +ilenus's ass but !as betrapped !ith it. The 5ndian kings !ere astened !ith chains o gold close by the !heels o the chariot. *ll the company marched in pomp !ith unspeakable joy, loaded !ith an in inite number o trophies, pageants, and spoils, playing and singing merry epiniciums, songs o triumph, and also rural lays and dithyrambs. *t the arthest end !as a prospect o the land o 1gyptE the 9ile !ith its crocodiles, marmosets, ibides, monkeys, trochiloses, or !rens, ichneumons, or Pharoah's mice, hippopotami, or sea$horses, and other creatures, its guests and neighbours. Bacchus !as mo"ing to!ards that country under the conduct o a couple o horned beasts, on one o !hich !as !ritten in gold, *pis, and 'siris on the otherE because no o? or co! had been seen in 1gypt till Bacchus came thither.

Chapter B.I%5. (o! the temple !as illuminated !ith a !onder ul lamp. Be ore 5 proceed to the description o the Bottle, 5'll gi"e you that o an admirable lamp that dispensed so large a light o"er all the temple that, though it lay underground, !e could distinguish e"ery object as clearly as abo"e it at noonday. 5n the middle o the roo !as i?ed a ring o massi"e gold, as thick as my clenched ist. Three chains some!hat less, most curiously !rought, hung about t!o eet and a hal belo! it, and in a triangle supported a round plate o ine gold !hose diameter or breadth did not e?ceed t!o cubits and hal a span. There !ere our holes in it, in each o !hich an empty ball !as astened, hollo! !ithin, and open o' top, like a little lampE its circum erence about t!o hands' breadth. 1ach ball !as o precious stoneE one an amethyst, another an * rican carbuncle, the third an opal, and the ourth an anthracites. They !ere ull o burning !ater i"e times distilled in a serpentine limbec, and inconsumptible, like the oil ormerly

put into Pallas' golden lamp at *cropolis o *thens by Callimachus. 5n each o them !as a laming !ick, partly o asbestine la?, as o old in the temple o 7upiter *mmon, such as those !hich Cleombrotus, a most studious philosopher, sa!, and partly o Carpasian la? @'Hell's correction. <otteu? reads, '!hich Cleombrotus, a most studious philosopher, and Pandelinus o Carpasium had, !hich !ere,' Nc.D, !hich !ere rather rene!ed than consumed by the ire. *bout t!o oot and a hal belo! that gold plate, the three chains !ere astened to three handles that !ere i?ed to a large round lamp o most pure crystal, !hose diameter !as a cubit and a hal , and opened about t!o hands' breadths o' topE by !hich open place a "essel o the same crystal, shaped some!hat like the lo!er part o a gourd$like limbec, or an urinal, !as put at the bottom o the great lamp, !ith such a >uantity o the a ore$mentioned burning !ater, that the lame o the asbestine !ick reached the centre o the great lamp. This made all its spherical body seem to burn and be in a lame, because the ire !as just at the centre and middle point, so that it !as not more easy to i? the eye on it than on the disc o the sun, the matter being !onder ully bright and shining, and the !ork most transparent and daHHling by the re lection o the "arious colours o the precious stones !hereo the our small lamps abo"e the main lamp !ere made, and their lustre !as still "ariously glittering all o"er the temple. Then this !andering light being darted on the polished marble and agate !ith !hich all the inside o the temple !as pargetted, our eyes !ere entertained !ith a sight o all the admirable colours !hich the rainbo! can boast !hen the sun darts his iery rays on some dropping clouds. The design o the lamp !as admirable in itsel , but, in my opinion, !hat added much to the beauty o the !hole, !as that round the body o the crystal lamp there !as car"ed in cataglyphic !ork a li"ely and pleasant battle o naked boys, mounted on little hobby$horses, !ith little !hirligig lances and shields that seemed made o "ine$branches !ith grapes on themE their postures generally !ere "ery di erent, and their childish stri e and motions !ere so ingeniously e?pressed that art e>ualled nature in e"ery proportion and action. 9either did this seem engra"ed, but rather he!ed out and embossed in relie , or at least like grotes>ue, !hich, by the artist's skill, has the appearance o the roundness o the object it represents. This !as partly the e ect o the "arious and most charming light, !hich, lo!ing out o the lamp, illed the car"ed places !ith its glorious rays.

Chapter B.I%55 @'This and the ne?t chapter make really but one, tho' <r. <otteu? has made t!o o themE the irst o !hich contains but eight lines, according to him, and ends at the !ords antastic ountain.'$$'Hell.D. (o! the Priestess Bacbuc sho!ed us a antastic ountain in the temple, and ho! the ountain$!ater had the taste o !ine, according to the imagination o those !ho drank o it. ;hile !e !ere admiring this incomparable lamp and the stupendous structure o the temple, the "enerable priestess Bacbuc and her attendants came to us !ith jolly smiling looks, and seeing us duly accoutred, !ithout the least di iculty took us into the middle o the temple, !here, just under the a oresaid lamp, !as the ine antastic ountain. +he then ordered some cups, goblets, and talboys o gold, sil"er, and crystal to be brought, and

kindly in"ited us to drink o the li>uor that sprung there, !hich !e readily didE or, to say the truth, this antastic ountain !as "ery in"iting, and its materials and !orkmanship more precious, rare, and admirable than anything Plato e"er dreamt o in limbo. 5ts basis or ground!ork !as o most pure and limpid alabaster, and its height some!hat more than three spans, being a regular heptagon on the outside, !ith its stylobates or ootsteps, arulets, cymasults or blunt tops, and )oric undulations about it. 5t !as e?actly round !ithin. 'n the middle point o each angle brink stood a pillar orbiculated in orm o i"ory or alabaster solid rings. These !ere se"en in number, according to the number o the angles @This sentence, restored by 'Hell, is omitted by <otteu?.D. 1ach pillar's length rom the basis to the architra"es !as near se"en hands, taking an e?act dimension o its diameter through the centre o its circum erence and in!ard roundnessE and it !as so disposed that, casting our eyes behind one o them, !hate"er its cube might be, to "ie! its opposite, !e ound that the pyramidal cone o our "isual line ended at the said centre, and there, by the t!o opposites, ormed an e>uilateral triangle !hose t!o lines di"ided the pillar into t!o e>ual parts. That !hich !e had a mind to measure, going rom one side to another, t!o pillars o"er, at the irst third part o the distance bet!een them, !as met by their lo!ermost and undamental line, !hich, in a consult line dra!n as ar as the uni"ersal centre, e>ually di"ided, ga"e, in a just partition, the distance o the se"en opposite pillars in a right line, beginning at the obtuse angle on the brink, as you kno! that an angle is al!ays ound placed bet!een t!o others in all angular igures odd in number. This tacitly ga"e us to understand that se"en semidiameters are in geometrical proportion, compass, and distance some!hat less than the circum erence o a circle, rom the igure o !hich they are e?tractedE that is to say, three !hole parts, !ith an eighth and a hal , a little more, or a se"enth and a hal , a little less, according to the instructions gi"en us o old by 1uclid, *ristotle, *rchimedes, and others. The irst pillar, 5 mean that !hich aced the temple gate, !as o aHure, sky$coloured sapphire. The second, o hyacinth, a precious stone e?actly o the colour o the lo!er into !hich *ja?'s choleric blood !as trans ormedE the Greek letters * 5 being seen on it in many places. The third, an anachite diamond, as bright and glittering as lightning. The ourth, a masculine ruby balas @peach$colouredD amethystiHing, its lame and lustre ending in "iolet or purple like an amethyst. The i th, an emerald, abo"e i"e hundred and i ty times more precious than that o +erapis in the labyrinth o the 1gyptians, and more "erdant and shining than those that !ere i?ed, instead o eyes, in the marble lion's head near :ing (ermias's tomb. The si?th, o agate, more admirable and "arious in the distinctions o its "eins, clouds, and colours than that !hich Pyrrhus, :ing o 1pirus, so mightily esteemed.

The se"enth, o syenites, transparent, o the colour o a beryl and the clear hue o (ymetian honeyE and !ithin it the moon !as seen, such as !e see it in the sky, silent, ull, ne!, and in the !ane. These stones !ere assigned to the se"en hea"enly planets by the ancient ChaldaeansE and that the meanest capacities might be in ormed o this, just at the central perpendicular line, on the chapter o the irst pillar, !hich !as o sapphire, stood the image o +aturn in elutian @<otteu? reads '1liacim.'D lead, !ith his scythe in his hand, and at his eet a crane o gold, "ery art ully enamelled, according to the nati"e hue o the saturnine bird. 'n the second, !hich !as o hyacinth, to!ards the le t, 7upiter !as seen in jo"etian brass, and on his breast an eagle o gold enamelled to the li e. 'n the third !as Phoebus o the purest gold, and a !hite cock in his right hand. 'n the ourth !as <ars in Corinthian brass, and a lion at his eet. 'n the i th !as =enus in copper, the metal o !hich *ristonides made *thamas's statue, that e?pressed in a blushing !hiteness his con usion at the sight o his son %earchus, !ho died at his eet o a all. 'n the si?th !as <ercury in hydrargyre. 5 !ould ha"e said >uicksil"er, had it not been i?ed, malleable, and unmo"able. That nimble deity had a stork at his eet. 'n the se"enth !as the <oon in sil"er, !ith a greyhound at her eet. The siHe o these statues !as some!hat more than a third part o the pillars on !hich they stood, and they !ere so admirably !rought according to mathematical proportion that Polycletus's canon could hardly ha"e stood in competition !ith them. The bases o the pillars, the chapters, the architra"es, Hoophores, and cornices !ere Phrygian !ork o massi"e gold, purer and iner than any that is ound in the ri"ers %eede near <ontpellier, Ganges in 5ndia, Po in 5taly, (ebrus in Thrace, Tagus in +pain, and Pactolus in %ydia. The small arches bet!een the pillars !ere o the same precious stone o !hich the pillars ne?t to them !ere. Thus, that arch !as o sapphire !hich ended at the hyacinth pillar, and that !as o hyacinth !hich !ent to!ards the diamond, and so on. *bo"e the arches and chapters o the pillars, on the in!ard ront, a cupola !as raised to co"er the ountain. 5t !as surrounded by the planetary statues, heptagonal at the bottom, and spherical o' top, and o crystal so pure, transparent, !ell$polished, !hole and uni orm in all its parts, !ithout "eins, clouds, la!s, or streaks, that Ienocrates ne"er sa! such a one in his li e. ;ithin it !ere seen the t!el"e signs o the Hodiac, the t!el"e months o the year, !ith their properties, the t!o e>uino?es, the ecliptic line, !ith some o the most remarkable i?ed stars about the antartic pole and else!here, so curiously engra"en that 5 ancied them to be the !orkmanship

o :ing 9ecepsus, or Petosiris, the ancient mathematician. 'n the top o the cupola, just o"er the centre o the ountain, !ere three noble long pearls, all o one siHe, pear ashion, per ectly imitating a tear, and so joined together as to represent a lo!er$de$luce or lily, each o the lo!ers seeming abo"e a hand's breadth. * carbuncle jetted out o its caly? or cup as big as an ostrich's egg, cut se"en s>uare @that number so belo"ed o natureD, and so prodigiously glorious that the sight o it had like to ha"e made us blind, or the iery sun or the pointed lightning are not more daHHling and unsu erably bright. 9o!, !ere some judicious appraisers to judge o the "alue o this incomparable ountain, and the lamp o !hich !e ha"e spoke, they !ould undoubtedly a irm it e?ceeds that o all the treasures and curiosities in 1urope, *sia, and * rica put together. For that carbuncle alone !ould ha"e darkened the pantarbe o 5archus @<otteu? reads '7oachas.'D the 5ndian magician, !ith as much ease as the sun outshines and dims the stars !ith his meridian rays. 9or let Cleopatra, that 1gyptian >ueen, boast o her pair o pendants, those t!o pearls, one o !hich she caused to be dissol"ed in "inegar, in the presence o *ntony the Trium"ir, her gallant. 'r let Pompeia Plautina be proud o her dress co"ered all o"er !ith emeralds and pearls curiously intermi?ed, she !ho attracted the eyes o all Rome, and !as said to be the pit and magaHine o the con>uering robbers o the uni"erse. The ountain had three tubes or channels o right pearl, seated in three e>uilateral angles already mentioned, e?tended on the margin, and those channels proceeded in a snail$like line, !inding e>ually on both sides. ;e looked on them a !hile, and had cast our eyes on another side, !hen Bacbuc directed us to !atch the !ater. ;e then heard a most harmonious sound, yet some!hat stopped by starts, ar distant, and subterranean, by !hich means it !as still more pleasing than i it had been ree, uninterrupted, and near us, so that our minds !ere as agreeably entertained through our ears !ith that charming melody as they !ere through the !indo!s o our eyes !ith those delight ul objects. Bacbuc then said, #our philosophers !ill not allo! that motion is begot by the po!er o iguresE look here, and see the contrary. By that single snail$like motion, e>ually di"ided as you see, and a i"e old in oliature, mo"able at e"ery in!ard meeting, such as is the "ena ca"a !here it enters into the right "entricle o the heartE just so is the lo!ing o this ountain, and by it a harmony ascends as high as your !orld's ocean. +he then ordered her attendants to make us drinkE and, to tell you the truth o the matter as near as possible, !e are not, hea"en be praisedL o the nature o a dro"e o cal $lollies, !ho @as your sparro!s can't eed unless you bob them on the tailD must be rib$roasted !ith tough crabtree and irked into a stomach, or at least into an humour to eat or drink. 9o, !e kno! better things, and scorn to scorn any man's ci"ility !ho ci"illy in"ites us to a drinking bout. Bacbuc asked us then ho! !e liked our ti . ;e ans!ered that it seemed to us good harmless sober *dam's li>uor, it to keep a man in the right !ay, and, in a !ord, mere elementE more cool and clear than *rgyrontes in *etolia, Peneus in Thessaly, *?ius in <ygdonia, or

Cydnus in Cilicia, a tempting sight o !hose cool sil"er stream caused *le?ander to pre er the short$li"ed pleasure o bathing himsel in it to the incon"eniences !hich he could not but oresee !ould attend so ill$termed an action. This, said Bacbuc, comes o not considering !ith oursel"es, or understanding the motions o the musculous tongue, !hen the drink glides on it in its !ay to the stomach. Tell me, noble strangers, are your throats lined, pa"ed, or enamelled, as ormerly !as that o Pithyllus, nicknamed Theutes, that you can ha"e missed the taste, relish, and la"our o this di"ine li>uorK (ere, said she, turning to!ards her gentle!omen, bring my scrubbing$brushes, you kno! !hich, to scrape, rake, and clear their palates. They brought immediately some stately, s!ingeing, jolly hams, ine substantial neat's tongues, good hung$bee , pure and delicate botargos, "enison, sausages, and such other gullet$s!eepers. *nd, to comply !ith her in"itation, !e crammed and t!isted till !e o!ned oursel"es thoroughly cured o thirst, !hich be ore did damnably plague us. ;e are told, continued she, that ormerly a learned and "aliant (ebre! chie , leading his people through the deserts, !here they !ere in danger o being amished, obtained o God some manna, !hose taste !as to them, by imagination, such as that o meat !as to them be ore in realityE thus, drinking o this miraculous li>uor, you'll ind it taste like any !ine that you shall ancy you drink. Come, then, ancy and drink. ;e did so, and Panurge had no sooner !hipped o his brimmer but he cried, By 9oah's open shop, 'tis "in de Beaune, better than e"er !as yet tipped o"er tongue, or may ninety$si? de"ils s!allo! me. 'hL that to keep its taste the longer, !e gentlemen topers had but necks some three cubits long or so, as Philo?enus desired to ha"e, or, at least, like a crane's, as <elanthius !ished his. 'n the aith o true lanterners, >uoth Friar 7ohn, 'tis gallant, sparkling Greek !ine. 9o!, or God's sake, s!eetheart, do but teach me ho! the de"il you make it. 5t seems to me <ire"au? !ine, said PantagruelE or be ore 5 drank 5 supposed it to be such. 9othing can be misliked in it, but that 'tis coldE colder, 5 say, than the "ery iceE colder than the 9onacrian and )ercean @<otteu? reads ')eraen.'D !ater, or the Conthoporian @<otteu?, 'Conthopian.'D spring at Corinth, that roHe up the stomach and nutriti"e parts o those that drank o it. )rink once, t!ice, or thrice more, said Bacbuc, still changing your imagination, and you shall ind its taste and la"our to be e?actly that on !hich you shall ha"e pitched. Then ne"er presume to say that anything is impossible to God. ;e ne"er o ered to say such a thing, said 5E ar rom it, !e maintain he is omnipotent.

Chapter B.I%555. (o! the Priestess Bacbuc e>uipped Panurge in order to ha"e the !ord o the Bottle. ;hen !e had thus chatted and tippled, Bacbuc asked, ;ho o you here !ould ha"e the !ord o the BottleK 5, your most humble little unnel, an't

please you, >uoth Panurge. Friend, saith she, 5 ha"e but one thing to tell you, !hich is, that !hen you come to the 'racle, you take care to hearken and hear the !ord only !ith one ear. This, cried Friar 7ohn, is !ine o one ear, as Frenchmen call it. +he then !rapped him up in a gaberdine, bound his noddle !ith a goodly clean biggin, clapped o"er it a elt such as those through !hich hippocras is distilled, at the bottom o !hich, instead o a co!l, she put three obelisks, made him dra! on a pair o old$ ashioned codpieces instead o mittens, girded him about !ith three bagpipes bound together, bathed his jobberno!l thrice in the ountainE then thre! a hand ul o meal on his phiH, i?ed three cock's eathers on the right side o the hippocratical elt, made him take a jaunt nine times round the ountain, caused him to take three little leaps and to bump his a$$ se"en times against the ground, repeating 5 don't kno! !hat kind o conjurations all the !hile in the Tuscan tongue, and e"er and anon reading in a ritual or book o ceremonies, carried a ter her by one o her mystagogues. For my part, may 5 ne"er stir i 5 don't really belie"e that neither 9uma Pompilius, the second :ing o the Romans, nor the Cerites o Tuscia, and the old (ebre! captain e"er instituted so many ceremonies as 5 then sa! per ormedE nor !ere e"er hal so many religious orms used by the soothsayers o <emphis in 1gypt to *pis, or by the 1uboeans, at Rhamnus @<otteu? gi"es 'or by the 1mbrians, or at Rhamnus.'D, to Rhamnusia, or to 7upiter *mmon, or to Feronia. ;hen she had thus accoutred my gentleman, she took him out o our company, and led him out o the temple, through a golden gate on the right, into a round chapel made o transparent speculary stones, by !hose solid clearness the sun's light shined there through the precipice o the rock !ithout any !indo!s or other entrance, and so easily and ully dispersed itsel through the greater temple that the light seemed rather to spring out o it than to lo! into it. The !orkmanship !as not less rare than that o the sacred temple at Ra"enna, or that in the island o Chemnis in 1gypt. 9or must 5 orget to tell you that the !ork o that round chapel !as contri"ed !ith such a symmetry that its diameter !as just the height o the "ault. 5n the middle o it !as an heptagonal ountain o ine alabaster most art ully !rought, ull o !ater, !hich !as so clear that it might ha"e passed or element in its purity and singleness. The sacred Bottle !as in it to the middle, clad in pure ine crystal o an o"al shape, e?cept its muHHle, !hich !as some!hat !ider than !as consistent !ith that igure.

Chapter B.I%5=. (o! Bacbuc, the high$priestess, brought Panurge be ore the (oly Bottle. There the noble priestess Bacbuc made Panurge stoop and kiss the brink o the ountainE then bade him rise and dance three ithymbi @')ances in the honour o Bacchus.'$$<otteu?.D. ;hich done, she ordered him to sit do!n bet!een t!o stools placed there or that purpose, his arse upon the ground. Then she opened her ceremonial book, and, !hispering in his le t ear, made him sing an epileny, inserted here in the igure o the bottle.

Bottle, !hose <ysterious )eep )o's ten thousand +ecrets keep, ;ith attenti"e 1ar 5 !aitE 1ase my <ind, and speak my Fate. +oul o 7oyL %ike Bacchus, !e <ore than 5ndia gain by thee. Truths unborn thy 7uice re"eals, ;hich Futurity conceals. *ntidote to Frauds and %ies, ;ine, that mounts us to the +kies, <ay thy Father 9oah's Brood %ike him dro!n, but in thy Flood. +peak, so may the %i>uid <ine ' Rubies, or o )iamonds shine. Bottle, !hose <ysterious )eep )o's ten thousand +ecrets keep, ;ith attenti"e 1ar 5 !aitE 1ase my <ind, and speak my Fate. ;hen Panurge had sung, Bacbuc thre! 5 don't kno! !hat into the ountain, and straight its !ater began to boil in good earnest, just or the !orld as doth the great monastical pot at Bourgueil !hen 'tis high holiday there. Friend Panurge !as listening !ith one ear, and Bacbuc kneeled by him, !hen such a kind o humming !as heard out o the Bottle as is made by a s!arm o bees bred in the lesh o a young bull killed and dressed according to *ristaeus's art, or such as is made !hen a bolt lies out o a crossbo!, or !hen a sho!er alls on a sudden in summer. 5mmediately a ter this !as heard the !ord Trinc. By cob's body, cried Panurge, 'tis broken, or cracked at least, not to tell a lie or the matterE or e"en so do crystal bottles speak in our country !hen they burst near the ire. Bacbuc arose, and gently taking Panurge under the arms, said, Friend, o er your thanks to indulgent hea"en, as reason re>uires. #ou ha"e soon had the !ord o the Goddess$BottleE and the kindest, most a"ourable, and certain !ord o ans!er that 5 e"er yet heard her gi"e since 5 o iciated here at her most sacred oracle. Rise, let us go to the chapter, in !hose gloss that ine !ord is e?plained. ;ith all my heart, >uoth PanurgeE by jingo, 5 am just as !ise as 5 !as last year. %ight, !here's the bookK Turn it o"er, !here's the chapterK %et's see this merry gloss.

Chapter B.I%=. (o! Bacbuc e?plained the !ord o the Goddess$Bottle. Bacbuc ha"ing thro!n 5 don't kno! !hat into the ountain, straight the !ater ceased to boilE and then she took Panurge into the greater temple, in the central place, !here there !as the enli"ening ountain. There she took out a hugeous sil"er book, in the shape o a hal $tierce, or hogshead, o sentences, and, ha"ing illed it at the ountain, said to him, The philosophers, preachers, and doctors o your !orld eed you up !ith ine !ords and cant at the earsE no!, here !e really incorporate our precepts at the mouth. There ore 5'll not say to you, read this chapter, see this glossE no, 5 say to you, taste me this ine chapter, s!allo! me

this rare gloss. Formerly an ancient prophet o the 7e!ish nation ate a book and became a clerk e"en to the "ery teethL 9o! !ill 5 ha"e you drink one, that you may be a clerk to your "ery li"er. (ere, open your mandibules. Panurge gaping as !ide as his ja!s !ould stretch, Bacbuc took the sil"er book$$at least !e took it or a real book, or it looked just or the !orld like a bre"iary$$but in truth it !as a bre"iary, a lask o right Falernian !ine as it came rom the grape, !hich she made him s!allo! e"ery drop. By Bacchus, >uoth Panurge, this !as a notable chapter, a most authentic gloss, o' my !ord. 5s this all that the trismegistian Bottle's !ord meansK 5' troth, 5 like it e?tremelyE it !ent do!n like mother's milk. 9othing more, returned BacbucE or Trinc is a panomphean !ord, that is, a !ord understood, used and celebrated by all nations, and signi ies drink. +ome say in your !orld that sack is a !ord used in all tongues, and justly admitted in the same sense among all nationsE or, as *esop's able hath it, all men are born !ith a sack at the neck, naturally needy and begging o each otherE neither can the most po!er ul king be !ithout the help o other men, or can anyone that's poor subsist !ithout the rich, though he be ne"er so proud and insolentE as, or e?ample, (ippias the philosopher, !ho boasted he could do e"erything. <uch less can anyone make shi t !ithout drink than !ithout a sack. There ore here !e hold not that laughing, but that drinking is the distinguishing character o man. 5 don't say drinking, taking that !ord singly and absolutely in the strictest senseE no, beasts then might put in or a shareE 5 mean drinking cool delicious !ine. For you must kno!, my belo"ed, that by !ine !e become di"ineE neither can there be a surer argument or a less deceit ul di"ination. #our @'=arro.'$$<otteu?D academics assert the same !hen they make the etymology o !ine, !hich the Greeks call '59'+, to be rom "is, strength, "irtue, and po!erE or 'tis in its po!er to ill the soul !ith all truth, learning, and philosophy. 5 you obser"e !hat is !ritten in 5onic letters on the temple gate, you may ha"e understood that truth is in !ine. The Goddess$Bottle there ore directs you to that di"ine li>uorE be yoursel the e?pounder o your undertaking. 5t is impossible, said Pantagruel to Panurge, to speak more to the purpose than does this true priestessE you may remember 5 told you as much !hen you irst spoke to me about it. Trinc then& !hat says your heart, ele"ated by Bacchic enthusiasmK ;ith this >uoth Panurge& Trinc, trincE by Bacchus, let us tope, *nd tope againE or, no! 5 hope To see some bra!ny, juicy rump ;ell tickled !ith my carnal stump. 1re long, my riends, 5 shall be !edded, +ure as my trap$stick has a red$headE *nd my s!eet !i e shall hold the combat %ong as my ba!s can on her bum beat. ' !hat a battle o a$$ ighting ;ill there be, !hich 5 much delight inL

;hat pleasing pains then shall 5 take To keep mysel and spouse a!akeL *ll heart and juice, 5'll up and ride, *nd make a duchess o my bride. +ing 5o paeanL loudly sing To (ymen, !ho all joys !ill bring. ;ell, Friar 7ohn, 5'll take my oath, This oracle is ull o trothE 5ntelligible truth it bears, <ore certain than the sie"e and shears.

Chapter B.I%=5. (o! Panurge and the rest rhymed !ith poetic ury. ;hat a po? ails the ello!K >uoth Friar 7ohn. +tark staring mad, or be!itched, o' my !ordL )o but hear the chiming dotterel gabble in rhyme. ;hat o' de"il has he s!allo!edK (is eyes roll in his loggerhead just or the !orld like a dying goat's. ;ill the addle$pated !ight ha"e the grace to sheer o K ;ill he rid us o his damned company, to go shite out his nasty rhyming balderdash in some bog$houseK ;ill nobody be so kind as to cram some dog's$bur do!n the poor cur's gulletK or !ill he, monk$like, run his ist up to the elbo! into his throat to his "ery ma!, to scour and clear his lanksK ;ill he take a hair o the same dogK Pantagruel chid Friar 7ohn, and said& Bold monk, orbearL this, 5'll assure ye, Proceeds all rom poetic uryE ;armed by the god, inspired !ith !ine, (is human soul is made di"ine. For !ithout jest, (is hallo!ed breast, ;ith !ine possessed, Could ha"e no rest Till he'd e?pressed +ome thoughts at least ' his great guest. Then straight he lies *bo"e the skies, *nd morti ies, ;ith prophecies, 'ur miseries. *nd since di"inely he's inspired, *dore the soul by !ine ac>uired, *nd let the tosspot be admired. (o!, >uoth the riar, the it rhyming is upon you tooK 5s't come to thatK Then !e are all peppered, or the de"il pepper me. ;hat !ould 5 not gi"e to ha"e Gargantua see us !hile !e are in this maggotty crambo$"einL 9o! may 5 be cursed !ith li"ing on that damned empty ood, i 5 can tell !hether 5 shall scape the catching distemper. The de"il a bit do 5 understand !hich !ay to go about itE ho!e"er, the spirit o ustian possesses us all, 5 ind. ;ell, by +t. 7ohn, 5'll poetiHe, since e"erybody doesE 5 ind it coming. +tay, and pray pardon me i 5 don't rhyme in crimsonE 'tis my

irst essay. Thou, !ho canst !ater turn to !ine, Trans orm my bum, by po!er di"ine, 5nto a lantern, that may light <y neighbour in the darkest night. Panurge then proceeds in his rapture, and says& From Pythian Tripos ne'er !ere heard <ore truths, nor more to be re"ered. 5 think rom )elphos to this spring +ome !iHard brought that conjuring thing. (ad honest Plutarch here been toping, (e then so long had ne'er been groping To ind, according to his !ishes, ;hy oracles are mute as ishes *t )elphos. 9o! the reason's clearE 9o more at )elphos they're, but here. (ere is the tripos, out o !hich 5s spoke the doom o poor and rich. For *thenaeus does relate This Bottle is the ;omb o FateE Proli ic o mysterious !ine, *nd big !ith prescience di"ine, 5t brings the truth !ith pleasure orthE Besides you ha't a penny!orth. +o, Friar 7ohn, 5 must e?hort you To !ait a !ord that may import you, *nd to in>uire, !hile here !e tarry, 5 it shall be your luck to marry. Friar 7ohn ans!ers him in a rage, and says& (o!, marryL By +t. Bennet's boot, *nd his gambadoes, 5'll ne"er do't. 9o man that kno!s me e'er shall judge 5 mean to make mysel a drudgeE 'r that pilgarlic e'er !ill dote 8pon a paltry petticoat. 5'll ne'er my liberty betray *ll or a little leap rog playE *nd e"er a ter !ear a clog %ike monkey or like masti $dog. 9o, 5'd not ha"e, upon my li e, Great *le?ander or my !i e, 9or Pompey, nor his dad$in$la!, ;ho did each other clappercla!. 9ot the best he that !ears a head +hall !in me to his truckle$bed. Panurge, pulling o his gaberdine and mystical accoutrements, replied& ;here ore thou shalt, thou ilthy beast, Be damned t!el"e athoms deep at leastE ;hile 5 shall reign in Paradise, ;hence on thy loggerhead 5'll piss.

9o! !hen that dread ul hour is come, That thou in hell recei"'st thy doom, 1'en there, 5 kno!, thou'lt play some trick, *nd Proserpine shan't scape a prick ' the long pin !ithin thy breeches. But !hen thou'rt using these capriches, *nd cater!auling in her ca"ern, +end Pluto to the arthest ta"ern For the best !ine that's to be had, %est he should see, and run horn$mad. +he's kind, and e"er did admire * !ell$ ed monk or !ell$hung riar. Go to, >uoth Friar 7ohn, thou old noddy, thou doddipolled ninny, go to the de"il thou'rt prating o . 5'"e done !ith rhymingE the rheum gripes me at the gullet. %et's talk o paying and goingE come.

Chapter B.I%=55. (o! !e took our lea"e o Bacbuc, and le t the 'racle o the (oly Bottle. )o not trouble yoursel about anything here, said the priestess to the riarE i you be but satis ied, !e are. (ere belo!, in these circumcentral regions, !e place the so"ereign good, not in taking and recei"ing, but in besto!ing and gi"ingE so that !e esteem oursel"es happy, not i !e take and recei"e much o others, as perhaps the sects o teachers do in your !orld, but rather i !e impart and gi"e much. *ll 5 ha"e to beg o you is that you lea"e us here your names in !riting, in this ritual. +he then opened a ine large book, and as !e ga"e our names one o her mystagogues !ith a gold pin dre! some lines on it, as i she had been !ritingE but !e could not see any characters. This done, she illed three glasses !ith antastic !ater, and gi"ing them into our hands, said, 9o!, my riends, you may depart, and may that intellectual sphere !hose centre is e"ery!here and circum erence no!here, !hom !e call G'), keep you in his almighty protection. ;hen you come into your !orld, do not ail to a irm and !itness that the greatest treasures and most admirable things are hidden underground, and not !ithout reason. Ceres !as !orshipped because she taught mankind the art o husbandry, and by the use o corn, !hich she in"ented, abolished that beastly !ay o eeding on acornsE and she grie"ously lamented her daughter's banishment into our subterranean regions, certainly oreseeing that Proserpine !ould meet !ith more e?cellent things, more desirable enjoyments, belo!, than she her mother could be blessed !ith abo"e. ;hat do you think is become o the art o orcing the thunder and celestial ire do!n, !hich the !ise Prometheus had ormerly in"entedK 'Tis most certain you ha"e lost itE 'tis no more on your hemisphereE but here belo! !e ha"e it. *nd !ithout a cause you sometimes !onder to see !hole to!ns burned and destroyed by lightning and ethereal ire, and are at a loss about kno!ing rom !hom, by !hom, and to !hat end those dread ul mischie s !ere sent. 9o!, they are amiliar and use ul to usE and your philosophers !ho complain that the ancients ha"e le t them nothing to !rite o or to in"ent, are "ery much mistaken. Those phenomena !hich you see in the sky,

!hate"er the sur ace o the earth a ords you, and the sea, and e"ery ri"er contain, is not to be compared !ith !hat is hid !ithin the bo!els o the earth. For this reason the subterranean ruler has justly gained in almost e"ery language the epithet o rich. 9o! !hen your sages shall !holly apply their minds to a diligent and studious search a ter truth, humbly begging the assistance o the so"ereign God, !hom ormerly the 1gyptians in their language called The (idden and the Concealed, and in"oking him by that name, beseech him to re"eal and make himsel kno!n to them, that *lmighty Being !ill, out o his in inite goodness, not only make his creatures, but e"en himsel kno!n to them. Thus !ill they be guided by good lanterns. For all the ancient philosophers and sages ha"e held t!o things necessary sa ely and pleasantly to arri"e at the kno!ledge o God and true !isdomE irst, God's gracious guidance, then man's assistance. +o, among the philosophers, Ooroaster took *rimaspes or the companion o his tra"elsE *esculapius, <ercuryE 'rpheus, <usaeusE Pythagoras, *glaophemusE and, among princes and !arriors, (ercules in his most di icult achie"ements had his singular riend TheseusE 8lysses, )iomedesE *eneas, *chates. #ou ollo!ed their e?amples, and came under the conduct o an illustrious lantern. 9o!, in God's name depart, and may he go along !ith youL T(1 19) 'F T(1 F5FT( B'': 'F T(1 (1R'5C )11)+ *9) +*#59G+ 'F T(1 9'B%1 P*9T*GR81%.

1nd o the Project Gutenberg 1Book o Gargantua and Pantagruel, Complete. by Francois Rabelais 666 19) 'F T(5+ PR'71CT G8T19B1RG 1B'': G*RG*9T8* *9) P*9T*GR81%, 666 66666 This ile should be named 3-...t?t or 3-...Hip 66666 This and all associated iles o "arious ormats !ill be ound in& http&PP!!!.gutenberg.netP3P-P.P3-..P Produced by +ue *sscher and )a"id ;idger 8pdated editions !ill replace the pre"ious one$$the old editions !ill be renamed. Creating the !orks rom public domain print editions means that no one o!ns a 8nited +tates copyright in these !orks, so the Foundation @and youLD can copy and distribute it in the 8nited +tates !ithout permission and !ithout paying copyright royalties. +pecial rules, set orth in the General Terms o 8se part o this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg$tm electronic !orks to protect the PR'71CT G8T19B1RG$tm concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used i you charge or the eBooks, unless you recei"e speci ic permission. 5 you

do not charge anything or copies o this eBook, complying !ith the rules is "ery easy. #ou may use this eBook or nearly any purpose such as creation o deri"ati"e !orks, reports, per ormances and research. They may be modi ied and printed and gi"en a!ay$$you may do practically *9#T(59G !ith public domain eBooks. Redistribution is subject to the trademark license, especially commercial redistribution.

666 +T*RT& F8%% %5C19+1 666 T(1 F8%% PR'71CT G8T19B1RG %5C19+1 P%1*+1 R1*) T(5+ B1F'R1 #'8 )5+TR5B8T1 'R 8+1 T(5+ ;'R: To protect the Project Gutenberg$tm mission o promoting the ree distribution o electronic !orks, by using or distributing this !ork @or any other !ork associated in any !ay !ith the phrase MProject GutenbergMD, you agree to comply !ith all the terms o the Full Project Gutenberg$tm %icense @a"ailable !ith this ile or online at http&PPgutenberg.netPlicenseD. +ection 3. General Terms o 8se and Redistributing Project Gutenberg$tm electronic !orks 3.*. By reading or using any part o this Project Gutenberg$tm electronic !ork, you indicate that you ha"e read, understand, agree to and accept all the terms o this license and intellectual property @trademarkPcopyrightD agreement. 5 you do not agree to abide by all the terms o this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy all copies o Project Gutenberg$tm electronic !orks in your possession. 5 you paid a ee or obtaining a copy o or access to a Project Gutenberg$tm electronic !ork and you do not agree to be bound by the terms o this agreement, you may obtain a re und rom the person or entity to !hom you paid the ee as set orth in paragraph 3.1.,. 3.B. MProject GutenbergM is a registered trademark. 5t may only be used on or associated in any !ay !ith an electronic !ork by people !ho agree to be bound by the terms o this agreement. There are a e! things that you can do !ith most Project Gutenberg$tm electronic !orks e"en !ithout complying !ith the ull terms o this agreement. +ee paragraph 3.C belo!. There are a lot o things you can do !ith Project Gutenberg$tm electronic !orks i you ollo! the terms o this agreement and help preser"e ree uture access to Project Gutenberg$tm electronic !orks. +ee paragraph 3.1 belo!. 3.C. The Project Gutenberg %iterary *rchi"e Foundation @Mthe FoundationM or PG%*FD, o!ns a compilation copyright in the collection o Project Gutenberg$tm electronic !orks. 9early all the indi"idual !orks in the collection are in the public domain in the 8nited +tates. 5 an indi"idual !ork is in the public domain in the 8nited +tates and you are located in the 8nited +tates, !e do not claim a right to pre"ent you rom copying, distributing, per orming, displaying or creating deri"ati"e !orks based on the !ork as long as all re erences to Project Gutenberg are remo"ed. ' course, !e hope that you !ill support the Project Gutenberg$tm mission o promoting ree access to electronic !orks by

reely sharing Project Gutenberg$tm !orks in compliance !ith the terms o this agreement or keeping the Project Gutenberg$tm name associated !ith the !ork. #ou can easily comply !ith the terms o this agreement by keeping this !ork in the same ormat !ith its attached ull Project Gutenberg$tm %icense !hen you share it !ithout charge !ith others. 3.). The copyright la!s o the place !here you are located also go"ern !hat you can do !ith this !ork. Copyright la!s in most countries are in a constant state o change. 5 you are outside the 8nited +tates, check the la!s o your country in addition to the terms o this agreement be ore do!nloading, copying, displaying, per orming, distributing or creating deri"ati"e !orks based on this !ork or any other Project Gutenberg$tm !ork. The Foundation makes no representations concerning the copyright status o any !ork in any country outside the 8nited +tates. 3.1. 8nless you ha"e remo"ed all re erences to Project Gutenberg& 3.1.3. The ollo!ing sentence, !ith acti"e links to, or other immediate access to, the ull Project Gutenberg$tm %icense must appear prominently !hene"er any copy o a Project Gutenberg$tm !ork @any !ork on !hich the phrase MProject GutenbergM appears, or !ith !hich the phrase MProject GutenbergM is associatedD is accessed, displayed, per ormed, "ie!ed, copied or distributed& This eBook is or the use o anyone any!here at no cost and !ith almost no restrictions !hatsoe"er. #ou may copy it, gi"e it a!ay or re$use it under the terms o the Project Gutenberg %icense included !ith this eBook or online at !!!.gutenberg.net 3.1.-. 5 an indi"idual Project Gutenberg$tm electronic !ork is deri"ed rom the public domain @does not contain a notice indicating that it is posted !ith permission o the copyright holderD, the !ork can be copied and distributed to anyone in the 8nited +tates !ithout paying any ees or charges. 5 you are redistributing or pro"iding access to a !ork !ith the phrase MProject GutenbergM associated !ith or appearing on the !ork, you must comply either !ith the re>uirements o paragraphs 3.1.3 through 3.1.G or obtain permission or the use o the !ork and the Project Gutenberg$tm trademark as set orth in paragraphs 3.1., or 3.1.F. 3.1.C. 5 an indi"idual Project Gutenberg$tm electronic !ork is posted !ith the permission o the copyright holder, your use and distribution must comply !ith both paragraphs 3.1.3 through 3.1.G and any additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. *dditional terms !ill be linked to the Project Gutenberg$tm %icense or all !orks posted !ith the permission o the copyright holder ound at the beginning o this !ork. 3.1./. )o not unlink or detach or remo"e the ull Project Gutenberg$tm %icense terms rom this !ork, or any iles containing a part o this !ork or any other !ork associated !ith Project Gutenberg$tm. 3.1.B. )o not copy, display, per orm, distribute or redistribute this electronic !ork, or any part o this electronic !ork, !ithout prominently displaying the sentence set orth in paragraph 3.1.3 !ith acti"e links or immediate access to the ull terms o the Project Gutenberg$tm %icense.

3.1.A. #ou may con"ert to and distribute this !ork in any binary, compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary orm, including any !ord processing or hyperte?t orm. (o!e"er, i you pro"ide access to or distribute copies o a Project Gutenberg$tm !ork in a ormat other than MPlain =anilla *+C55M or other ormat used in the o icial "ersion posted on the o icial Project Gutenberg$tm !eb site @!!!.gutenberg.netD, you must, at no additional cost, ee or e?pense to the user, pro"ide a copy, a means o e?porting a copy, or a means o obtaining a copy upon re>uest, o the !ork in its original MPlain =anilla *+C55M or other orm. *ny alternate ormat must include the ull Project Gutenberg$tm %icense as speci ied in paragraph 3.1.3. 3.1.G. )o not charge a ee or access to, "ie!ing, displaying, per orming, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg$tm !orks unless you comply !ith paragraph 3.1., or 3.1.F. 3.1.,. #ou may charge a reasonable ee or copies o or pro"iding access to or distributing Project Gutenberg$tm electronic !orks pro"ided that $ #ou pay a royalty ee o -.Q o the gross pro its you deri"e rom the use o Project Gutenberg$tm !orks calculated using the method you already use to calculate your applicable ta?es. The ee is o!ed to the o!ner o the Project Gutenberg$tm trademark, but he has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project Gutenberg %iterary *rchi"e Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid !ithin A. days ollo!ing each date on !hich you prepare @or are legally re>uired to prepareD your periodic ta? returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project Gutenberg %iterary *rchi"e Foundation at the address speci ied in +ection /, M5n ormation about donations to the Project Gutenberg %iterary *rchi"e Foundation.M $ #ou pro"ide a ull re und o any money paid by a user !ho noti ies you in !riting @or by e$mailD !ithin C. days o receipt that sPhe does not agree to the terms o the ull Project Gutenberg$tm %icense. #ou must re>uire such a user to return or destroy all copies o the !orks possessed in a physical medium and discontinue all use o and all access to other copies o Project Gutenberg$tm !orks. $ #ou pro"ide, in accordance !ith paragraph 3.F.C, a ull re und o any money paid or a !ork or a replacement copy, i a de ect in the electronic !ork is disco"ered and reported to you !ithin F. days o receipt o the !ork. $ #ou comply !ith all other terms o this agreement or ree distribution o Project Gutenberg$tm !orks. 3.1.F. 5 you !ish to charge a ee or distribute a Project Gutenberg$tm electronic !ork or group o !orks on di erent terms than are set orth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in !riting rom both the Project Gutenberg %iterary *rchi"e Foundation and <ichael (art, the o!ner o the Project Gutenberg$tm trademark. Contact the Foundation as set orth in +ection C belo!.

3.F. 3.F.3. Project Gutenberg "olunteers and employees e?pend considerable e ort to identi y, do copyright research on, transcribe and proo read public domain !orks in creating the Project Gutenberg$tm collection. )espite these e orts, Project Gutenberg$tm electronic !orks, and the medium on !hich they may be stored, may contain M)e ects,M such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual property in ringement, a de ecti"e or damaged disk or other medium, a computer "irus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by your e>uipment. 3.F.-. %5<5T1) ;*RR*9T#, )5+C%*5<1R 'F )*<*G1+ $ 1?cept or the MRight o Replacement or Re undM described in paragraph 3.F.C, the Project Gutenberg %iterary *rchi"e Foundation, the o!ner o the Project Gutenberg$tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project Gutenberg$tm electronic !ork under this agreement, disclaim all liability to you or damages, costs and e?penses, including legal ees. #'8 *GR11 T(*T #'8 (*=1 9' R1<1)51+ F'R 91G%5G19C1, +TR5CT %5*B5%5T#, BR1*C( 'F ;*RR*9T# 'R BR1*C( 'F C'9TR*CT 1IC1PT T('+1 PR'=5)1) 59 P*R*GR*P( FC. #'8 *GR11 T(*T T(1 F'89)*T5'9, T(1 TR*)1<*R: ';91R, *9) *9# )5+TR5B8T'R 89)1R T(5+ *GR11<19T ;5%% 9'T B1 %5*B%1 T' #'8 F'R *CT8*%, )5R1CT, 59)5R1CT, C'9+1J819T5*%, P895T5=1 'R 59C5)19T*% )*<*G1+ 1=19 5F #'8 G5=1 9'T5C1 'F T(1 P'++5B5%5T# 'F +8C( )*<*G1. 3.F.C. %5<5T1) R5G(T 'F R1P%*C1<19T 'R R1F89) $ 5 you disco"er a de ect in this electronic !ork !ithin F. days o recei"ing it, you can recei"e a re und o the money @i anyD you paid or it by sending a !ritten e?planation to the person you recei"ed the !ork rom. 5 you recei"ed the !ork on a physical medium, you must return the medium !ith your !ritten e?planation. The person or entity that pro"ided you !ith the de ecti"e !ork may elect to pro"ide a replacement copy in lieu o a re und. 5 you recei"ed the !ork electronically, the person or entity pro"iding it to you may choose to gi"e you a second opportunity to recei"e the !ork electronically in lieu o a re und. 5 the second copy is also de ecti"e, you may demand a re und in !riting !ithout urther opportunities to i? the problem. 3.F./. 1?cept or the limited right o replacement or re und set orth in paragraph 3.F.C, this !ork is pro"ided to you '*+$5+' ;5T( 9' 'T(1R ;*RR*9T51+ 'F *9# :59), 1IPR1++ 'R 5<P%51), 59C%8)59G B8T 9'T %5<5T1) T' ;*RR*9T51+ 'F <1RC(*9T5B5%5T# 'R F5T91++ F'R *9# P8RP'+1. 3.F.B. +ome states do not allo! disclaimers o certain implied !arranties or the e?clusion or limitation o certain types o damages. 5 any disclaimer or limitation set orth in this agreement "iolates the la! o the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be interpreted to make the ma?imum disclaimer or limitation permitted by the applicable state la!. The in"alidity or unen orceability o any pro"ision o this agreement shall not "oid the remaining pro"isions. 3.F.A. 59)1<95T# $ #ou agree to indemni y and hold the Foundation, the trademark o!ner, any agent or employee o the Foundation, anyone

pro"iding copies o Project Gutenberg$tm electronic !orks in accordance !ith this agreement, and any "olunteers associated !ith the production, promotion and distribution o Project Gutenberg$tm electronic !orks, harmless rom all liability, costs and e?penses, including legal ees, that arise directly or indirectly rom any o the ollo!ing !hich you do or cause to occur& @aD distribution o this or any Project Gutenberg$tm !ork, @bD alteration, modi ication, or additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg$tm !ork, and @cD any )e ect you cause. +ection -. 5n ormation about the <ission o Project Gutenberg$tm Project Gutenberg$tm is synonymous !ith the ree distribution o electronic !orks in ormats readable by the !idest "ariety o computers including obsolete, old, middle$aged and ne! computers. 5t e?ists because o the e orts o hundreds o "olunteers and donations rom people in all !alks o li e. =olunteers and inancial support to pro"ide "olunteers !ith the assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg$tm's goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg$tm collection !ill remain reely a"ailable or generations to come. 5n -..3, the Project Gutenberg %iterary *rchi"e Foundation !as created to pro"ide a secure and permanent uture or Project Gutenberg$tm and uture generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg %iterary *rchi"e Foundation and ho! your e orts and donations can help, see +ections C and / and the Foundation !eb page at http&PP!!!.pgla .org. +ection C. 5n ormation about the Project Gutenberg %iterary *rchi"e Foundation The Project Gutenberg %iterary *rchi"e Foundation is a non pro it B.3@cD@CD educational corporation organiHed under the la!s o the state o <ississippi and granted ta? e?empt status by the 5nternal Re"enue +er"ice. The Foundation's 159 or ederal ta? identi ication number is A/$A--3B/3. 5ts B.3@cD@CD letter is posted at http&PPpgla .orgP undraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg %iterary *rchi"e Foundation are ta? deductible to the ull e?tent permitted by 8.+. ederal la!s and your state's la!s. The Foundation's principal o ice is located at /BBG <elan )r. +. Fairbanks, *:, FFG3-., but its "olunteers and employees are scattered throughout numerous locations. 5ts business o ice is located at ,.F 9orth 3B.. ;est, +alt %ake City, 8T ,/33A, @,.3D BFA$3,,G, email businessRpgla .org. 1mail contact links and up to date contact in ormation can be ound at the Foundation's !eb site and o icial page at http&PPpgla .org For additional contact in ormation& )r. Gregory B. 9e!by Chie 1?ecuti"e and )irector gbne!byRpgla .org +ection /. 5n ormation about )onations to the Project Gutenberg %iterary *rchi"e Foundation

Project Gutenberg$tm depends upon and cannot sur"i"e !ithout !ide spread public support and donations to carry out its mission o increasing the number o public domain and licensed !orks that can be reely distributed in machine readable orm accessible by the !idest array o e>uipment including outdated e>uipment. <any small donations @S3 to SB,...D are particularly important to maintaining ta? e?empt status !ith the 5R+. The Foundation is committed to complying !ith the la!s regulating charities and charitable donations in all B. states o the 8nited +tates. Compliance re>uirements are not uni orm and it takes a considerable e ort, much paper!ork and many ees to meet and keep up !ith these re>uirements. ;e do not solicit donations in locations !here !e ha"e not recei"ed !ritten con irmation o compliance. To +19) )'9*T5'9+ or determine the status o compliance or any particular state "isit http&PPpgla .org ;hile !e cannot and do not solicit contributions rom states !here !e ha"e not met the solicitation re>uirements, !e kno! o no prohibition against accepting unsolicited donations rom donors in such states !ho approach us !ith o ers to donate. 5nternational donations are grate ully accepted, but !e cannot make any statements concerning ta? treatment o donations recei"ed rom outside the 8nited +tates. 8.+. la!s alone s!amp our small sta . Please check the Project Gutenberg ;eb pages or current donation methods and addresses. )onations are accepted in a number o other !ays including including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To donate, please "isit& http&PPpgla .orgPdonate +ection B. General 5n ormation *bout Project Gutenberg$tm electronic !orks. Pro essor <ichael +. (art is the originator o the Project Gutenberg$tm concept o a library o electronic !orks that could be reely shared !ith anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project Gutenberg$tm eBooks !ith only a loose net!ork o "olunteer support. Project Gutenberg$tm eBooks are o ten created rom se"eral printed editions, all o !hich are con irmed as Public )omain in the 8.+. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, !e do not necessarily keep eBooks in compliance !ith any particular paper edition. <ost people start at our ;eb site !hich has the main PG search acility& http&PP!!!.gutenberg.net This ;eb site includes in ormation about Project Gutenberg$tm, including ho! to make donations to the Project Gutenberg %iterary *rchi"e Foundation, ho! to help produce our ne! eBooks, and ho! to subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.