A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was addressed to GOD.

The postman, seeing that the letter was not sealed, and there being no pos tage on it, opened and read it. It was from a man who was down on his luck, and was asking God for help. The letter asked for $50 to get his family through the next week. The postman, being a Mason, took the letter to Lodge that evening, re ad it, and asked for donations for the unfortunate fellow. The Masons, wanting t o help, took up a collection, and received twenty five dollars from the brethren . The Secretary placed the cash in a Lodge envelope, and gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did. Another day passed, and the postman again found an unsealed letter in the mailbox addressed to GOD. Again he opened and read the letter, which thanked God for the money, but instructed him to send any future funds through the Knights of Columbus, as the Masons had kept half. A Doctor and Plumber are in the same Lodge. On Sunday Morning the Doctor wakes u p to find his toilet blocked. So he rings the Plumber. "But I do not work Sunday s! Can't it wait until tomorrow." The Doctor said. "I do not like working Sunday s either but if you were in trouble, and felt unwell, Brother I would come round to see you" "Ok" says the Plumber and goes round to the Doctor. Goes upstairs a nd looks at the toilet, take two asprins from his pocket and throws them down th e bowel. "There" he says "If it's no better tomorrow give me a ring and I will c all round." A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury on the football pitch he is passing. "What's going on ?" he askes a spectator watching from the side-lines. The other replies "It's a match between the Masons and the Knights of St Columba." "What's the score?" ask s the first man. "I don't know, it's a secret." On the subject of humour you have probably heard this one: whilst visiting a new ly iniciated brother at home one day, his wife took me to one side and said her husband had started behaving very strange since joining. I enquired in what way? He locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to himself with his li ttle blue book. As the evening proceeded I turned the talk to lodge, and asked h im how he was getting on. Oh fine was his reply. I asked him about his behavour and was there any thing wrong No was his reply. So why read the book there? Well he said "Its the only TYLED room in the house".... A tired old mason whose hair was grey, Came to the gates of Heaven one day, When asked, what on earth he had done the most, He said he had replied to the Visito rs Toast, St Peter said as he tolled the Bell, Come inside my Brother you've had enough of Hell. It seems a Jewish family had rented an apartment that sat directly under the Mas onic Temple, and atleast once a month they would always hear this stomping from above. One day Izzy told his wife he was going to drill a hole in the ceiling an d see what those Masons were up to. After doing so, one evening he heard some st omping coming from above, so he got his ladder, climbed up and decided to take a peek. After a few moments, he flew down the ladder and ran in and told his wife to pack all their belongs and "Let's get out of here and fast !!!" When she ask ed why, Izzy told her that he was just peeking in on the Masons above and saw th em kill a man and said they were going to blame it on the 'JEW-BELOW'. I heard this the other day: A Candidate for initiation was to be picked up and d riven to the Lodge, but before this could happen the car broke down. The Candida te said as no great distance was involved he would go on his bicycle. Just when he reached the top of the hill his chain broke. As the Lodge was at the bottom o f the other side and all he needed was a backpedal brake, so he repaired the cha in with a cord he had in his pocket and free-wheeled downhill to the Lodge. Late r that evening in reply to a toast in his honour, he said how proud he was to be a Freemason but could not understand, as he had told no one, how the WM knew th at he had come on his own free wheel and a cord.

The case with the silk stockings Bro John and Bro Mike are getting dressed and ready for a lodge meeting. When Jo hn takes his apron out of the case, Mike notices a pair of silk stockings unroll ing and hanging out of the case. Mike asks: *I say, John, what's this with the l adies stuff ?* John gives a quick look and whispers: *You remember the installat ion meeting last year ?* Mike acknowledges and John goes on: *Keep it a secret, but on the way home I stopped at the pub on where I met this lovely female. Appa rently she lost her stockings in my car, and my wife found them. I told her I wa s passed to a higher degree, and ever since she takes 'm out of the case washes them and puts them back in with my gloves !* Masonic Blooper WM Bro SW, the labours of the evening being ended, you have my command to close the L * SW Brn, in the name of ... (looks confused and mumbles ) Good God what's his name again ... There's a man, walking down the street at 1 in the morning and he's very drunk. A policeman stops him and asks: Where are you going in that condition? Man: II'm m on mmyy waayyy to a lectttuurre on FFreemmassonnrrry. Officer: Where can you p ossibly get a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of night? Man: Frromm mmyy wif ffe, wwhenn I gget homme! It seems that another Mason, Master of his Lodge, went to Heaven and met with St . Peter. He identified himself as a member of the Craft and St. Peter asked, "Wh at Lodge?" Proudly the Master replied, "Old Adage Lodge #1." St. Peter immediate ly took him to the Masonic Clock Room. The Master, in puzzelment, looked around the room which was filled with clocks. Each clock had a Lodge's name on a brass plate and, strangely enough, each clock was at a different time. He asked why an d St. Peter informed him that the hands only moved when someone in that Lodge ma de a mistake in the Ritual. The Master then asked where his Lodge's clock was as he couldn't see it. St. Peter replied, "Why, it's in the kitchen, of course." " The kitchen," said the Master? "Yes, you see, we needed a new fan." Pat & Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years. They had promised each other long ago that the first to go to the Grand Lodge above would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in Heaven and what they were like. By and by, it came to pass that Bill went first. One day shortly after, Pat was workin g in his garden when he heard a whispered voice, " Pssst Pat!" He looked around but saw nothing. A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly " Pat! Its me, Bill!" "Bill" Pat exclaimed, " are you in Heaven?" " Indeed I am " said Bill. Pa t paused for a while to get over the shock and then said " Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?" "There certainly are, Pat. There are Lodges all ove r and they are quite magnificent, equal or better to Great Queen Street. The mee tings are well attended, the ritual is word perfect, the festive board fantastic and the spirit of Masonic Fellowship is all pervasive." " My goodness, Bill," s aid Pat, " It certainly sounds very impressive but for all that you seem rather sad. Tell me old friend, what is the matter." " Well, Pat, you are right. I have some good news and some bad." " OK, Whats the good news?" " The good news is th at we are doing a 3rd this coming Wednesday" "Great" said Pat. " What's the bad news then?" " You're the Senior Deacon! " A small Lodge had had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candi date on a steamy evening in June and it's air conditioner had stopped working. A fter sweating their way through part of the work, the Master had asked the candi date what he most desired. The candidate replied "a beer". At this juncture the SW started and whispered "light" to the candidate. "OK", the candidate replied, "a lite beer".

Q: How many Masons does it take to unscrew a lightbulb? A: It's a secret! ..................................................................... Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the previous lightbulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain about the way they USED to screw in lightbulb s. ..................................................................... How many Masons does it take to change a lightbulb? After much research this tricky question can now be answered. It takes 20, as fo llows: 2 to complain that the light doesn't work. 1 to pass the problem to either another committee, Temple Board or Master of the Lodge. 3 to do a study on light in this Lodge. 2 to check out the types of lights the Knights of Columbus use. 3 to argue about it. 5 to plan a fund-raising dinner to raise money for the bulb. 2 to complain that "that's not the way we did it before." 1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb and install it. 1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed. A little before Lodge is about to open an old man totters up to the Tyler and sa ys, "I'm here to receive my 2nd degree." Well, they all look at this guy, who re ally is older than dirt, and they ask him to explain. "I was entered on July 4, 1922. Now I'm ready for my 2nd degree." So they go scurrying for the records, an d sure enough, there was his name, entered on July 4, 1922. "Where have you been all these years? What took you so long to be ready for your 2nd?" they ask. Rep ly: "Learning to subdue my passions!" A new initiate returns home to his wife who is naturally curious to know what w ent on. The conversation goes soemthing like this. She) Well how'd it go ? He) V ery well - most interesting She) What did go on ? He) I'm not really sure if I c an tell you about it. She) Well is ther anything you *can* tell me ? He) well it seems there are 3 classes of men in the Lodge -walkers, talkers and Holy men. S he) What do they do - if you can tell me ? He) The walkers walked me around the lodge. The Talkers talked to me and to the walkers as I was led around .... She) and the Holy men ? what of them ? He) They seem to be a special class of men all in dark blue and gold aprons and gauntlets. They just sit on the benches aro und the lodge with their heads in their hands chanting repeatedly - "Oh My God O h My God !" I was on my way to Lodge one evening when we drove into some very thick fog. We slowed right down, following the white lines that ran down the center of the roa d. All of a sudden we felt a heavy bump. I stopped the car and reversed back a couple of yards. There in the headlights l ay a hare, spreadeagled and flat! I was terribly upset. My companion reached ove r into the back seat, grabbed a plastic carrier bag and leapt out of the car. He went up to the hare, pressed his head close and then took a can out of the bag, shook it three times, pointed it at the hare and got back into the car. Within seconds the hare twitched, staggered to its feet and hobbled off four otr five steps, turned its head, looked back and raised its right paw! It carried o n doing this until it reached the edge of the beam from my headlights and disapp eared. I was amazed I can tell you. "Did you see that?" I asked my friend."What ever did you do to it?" "Its just un believeable - I know it was dead by the weight of the bump!" "Maybe, but I knew I'd got just the thing", replied my friend, "I remembered that in the carrier ba g there was a can of hair restorer with a permanent wave that I bought for the w ife today. I forgot to give it to her!" Sent by: Gerry Sargent MM. Bedford 282. UGLE.

WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH THE BODY? A story thet made the rounds a few years ago as "gospel truth" involved a Brothe r on a hunting trip in the wild of Maine. Day after day of his vacation was eate n up without a deer. On the last day , as he was about to give up in desperation , he heard a crashing in the woods: saw a glimpse of brown and fired. Silence! Rushing over to where he fired, he found that he had killed a bull moose, which is proctected from hunters to save it from extinction. as he stood there staring at the dead moose, a Game Warden stepped out into the clearing. Our brother fou nd his hands involuntarily raised in a certain position, "What shall we do with the body?" "Dress it out, you damn fool," said the Warden, " and make your escap e" DO-GOODERS! There is the incident of the Irish cop who stopped a carful of Shriners for spee ding. When he was that they were wearing fezes he said, "Oh! Your Shriners are y ou? Then I'll letyou off this time because they do a lot of good. BUT if you wer e Masons I'd run you all in. Sent by: Thurman D. Bevlin P.M. , Secretary of Turkey Creek Lodge No. 248 F. & A .M., Turkey Creek, Florid. While acting as I.G. I asked our candidate if he felt anything. Being a true Sco tsman he replied"a wee prick." Our J.D. realizing his mistake leaned over and wh ispered " I do." Later at festive board I rose to congratulate him but also stat ed I had a concern about his hearing. "When I greeted you at the door of the lod ge I asked you if you felt anything... not who you were with! Enjoy Sent by: Tom Anstruther Avon Glen Lodge#170 Grand Lodge of Alberta Edmonton, Alb erta, Canada O.K. heres two to start the pot boiling, the first is perhaps apt with the curre nt police scare. A young policeman is undergoing his initiation and has just taken his obligation , he is asked"What do you most desire?" and before the deacon can prompt him he declares that it is "To be a sergeant!" Another first degree. The initiate is placed before the JW for the explanaion of the tools and the del ivery of the ancient charge. The JW, trying to relax a nervous candidate told hi m to "Roll your trousers down", the candidate promptly did just that!! (Yes it did happen and since then candidates in our Temple are NOT given this in struction.). Sent by: Drew Grant Howdon Panns Lodge 5315 UGLE A Brother was driving home after a Lodge meeting, and a festive board which had consisted on many takings of wine. Sure enough a blue light followed the car, an d he pulled over to the side of the road. Thinking that the policeman might be a Freemason, he placed his driving licenec and insurance documents in his ritual book. When the police officer asked for his driving licence he made a great play of ta king it from his ritual book, but the policeman made no reaction whatsoever. The same with his insurance documents. He was then asked to blow into the breathalyser which proved positive. He gave t he sign of distress, which was ignored. The policeman started to write notes in his pocket book. At this point, the Brother was needing to go to the toilet, so asked the Police Officer if he could retire to the bushes in order to restore hi mself to his personal comforts. The officer replied "Certainly sir, and on your return, I shall read to you a ch arge....."

Sent by: Colin R Goss PM & JW Lodge St.Helier No 4449 - Province of Jersey Some few years back, just after the introduction of Random Breath Testing, the P olice officers of a small country township had to show the community that the RB T was working. They decided to stake out the local Masonic Hall, then as the nig ht wore on, eventually a mason slowly came down the stairs and got into his car. The moment he started the engine the two officers approached him and asked him to "blow into the bag". He did of course but to the amazement of the officers pr oved negative. Fearing a faulty bag tried again, with the same results. Sure of a possible conviction they then escorted him to the Police station to do a blood test, with it also proving negative. Being upset with this they then asked him what had gone on and what he had done that evening, to which he answered, "The G rand Master was there, the Grand Secretary was there, the Grand Stewards were th ere and we all had a great time, as to my job I was the Grand Decoy". Sent by: Ron Atkinson Lodge Toongabbie No.921 UGL of NSW Australia. A mason who had just been installed as Master of his lodge and was duly attendin g all the functions he could was having a hard time with his wife who said... " All those masters-in-office have to do is click their fingers and you would be t here wouldn't you?.........I wish I was a master!" After due thought, he said... "So do I dear..... we swap them for a new one every year!!" Sent by : Wilf Rawlinson M.M. Hartington Lodge No. 1021 Province of West Lancashire United Grand Lodge of England The victim is being brought to the gallow. The hangman puts the noose around his neck. The victim says: "I really can't understand this! The policeman who cough t me was a Mason, the persecutor was a Mason, the judge was a Mason and you're b loody Junior Deacon in my Lodge!" The hangman replies: "Calm down Brother and st ep off with your left foot!" Sent by : Daniel Hoehr MM, Beethoven zur ewigen Harmonie Nr 742, GNML 3WK (within the United Grand Lodg es of Germany) In the days of the old west, probably in Dodge City, KS, a young fellow held up a bank, and in so doing shot and killed the teller. Several people in the bank a nd outside saw him well enough to indentify him as he rode out of town. A possee was formed and in short order had captured him and returned him to jail. He was duly tried and sentenced to hang for his crime. On the appointed day a scaffold had been erected outside the jail. The fellow was lead up the steps to the scaf fold, the judge read his sentence, and asked the fellow if he had anything to sa y. "I sure do, Judge, if it wasn't for the Masons I wouldn't be here." The judge inquired to what he referred. "Well, the sheriff who pursued me is a Mason, as were most of the possee. The jury was mostly Masons, and you, Judge, are a Mason . If it wasn't for the Masons I wouldn't be here." That being all he had to say, the Judge ordered the hangman to proceed. The hangman put a HOOD over his head, a ROPE around his neck, took him by the left arm and said,"Take one advancing s tep with your left foot." Sent by : Cecil M. (Hap) Howard, SS, Fulton Lodge #210, Fulton, KS, USA -- I found this text on a cup in a lodge in Ireland: "OLD MASONS NEVER DIE, BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO JOIN TO FIND OUT WHY" Sent by : LARS HOLSTAD St.Andrew Lodge St. Eystein Trondheim, NORWAY

Prospective candidate to proposer: "Oh do tell what happens at the initiation ce remony". Proposer: "Sorry I can't - its a secret" Prospective candidate: "Come on - I'll be joining in a few weeks. Surely you can tell me something" Proposer: "Well there are are WALKERS, TALKERS AND HOLY MEN" Prospective candidate: "What do you mean "WALKERS" Proposer: "Well they are the men who walk you around in the Lodge". Prospective Candidate: "What about the TALKERS". Proposer: "Well they are the people who talk. To you and to other people in the Lodge". Prospective Candidate: "I see - well who are these HOLY MEN"? Proposer: "Oh those - Well they are the ones who when they see the Walkers and t he Talkers say ... Ohhh My Goddd!!!!! A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the s entence was executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words. "Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!" "Why do you hate Masons?" asked the hangm an. "The man I killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the sheriff who hun ted me down was a Mason, the Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who found me guilty and said I shou ld be hanged were Masons, so I hate Masons!" "Well," replied the hangman, "I can understand why you would hate Masons, but we must get on with it, are you ready ?" "Yes" replied the convicted murder. "Step off with your left foot." Sent by : Larry Johnson Senior Warden, Springfield Lodge 217, Grand Lodge of Virginia A Mason was having trouble with his ritual, and was telling a fellow mason in a pub one day, and his friend said i know a bloke down the road who sells Parrots who know the ritual and promp you when you have any trouble. So the next day off he went to the shop, and the man said "yes i have three", he pulled a curtain a cross and there were 3 parrots, one with a mm apron on, one with a masters apron , and one with a grand lodge apron on. he said "how much is the one with the mas ters apron on", "#2000 and he knows all the ritual including the inner workings, and will always promp you when you get stuck","No", he said "to expensive", "wha t about the one with the MM apron on", "Well, that one is #1,000 and he knows al l the ritual, but not the inner workings, but will always promp you when you lea rning it", "no to much, what about the one with the grand lodge apron on", "you can have him for #10", "why so cheap, he must know all the ritual and the inner workings?" "Oh yes, he knows all the ritual, but when you make a mistake all he does is sit there and go, tut! tut! tut!! Sent by : JamesRThom@aol.com An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a C aribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life--at least for a while . A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no su pplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to four-star hotels, this guy h ad no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of t he corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," s he said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up nothing did." He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat ?" "Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom

from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree." "But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware--how d id you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual stratum of exposed alluvial rock. I found t hat if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. Bu t enough of that. Where do you live?" Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, th en," she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wha rf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could on ly stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "I t's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please would you like to have a drin k?" "No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut ju ice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a pina colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woma n announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bath room." No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-gr ound edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is am azing," he mused. "What next?" When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing n othing but strategically positioned vines and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began suggestively, sl ithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a very long time. You've been l onely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, somethin g you've been longing for all these months? You know. ..." She stared into his e yes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing: `You mean..." he replied, "I can c heck my e-mail and the Freemason-List from here? Sent by : (NAME) Peter R. Ellis (GRANDLODGE) Lodge Caledonia of Canberra #938, UGL of New South Wales (state), A ustralia (E-MAIL) peter.ellis@dao.defence.gov.au Two experienced Master Masons were enjoying a flight in a hot air balloon when s uddenly a thick cloud formed between them and the ground. Being without instrume nts, after half an hour they realised that they were well and truly lost. A short time later there came across a large hole in the cloud and espied a gent leman below walking his dog across a field. They had time to exchange pleasantri es and found that he too was a member of the Craft. The chaps in the balloon enq uired of him as to their location and received the reply, "About 200 feet up in a balloon." Just then the cloud closed the hole and they were alone again. One turned to the other and said, " I bet he's the Secretary of his Lodge!" "Why do you say that? ", the other asked. "Well what he has told us is absolutely true - but in our pr esent predicament is totally useless!" Have a nice day (substitute any officer you wish) Sent by : Adrian PM UGLE One evening after a brother had been a guest at an installation, he had partaken of too much wine, and his host was very worried, as he did not want him to driv e home in his present state which was some distance away, so insisted that he st ay the night at his house, and travel home the next morning, and after much pers uasion this is what he did. When he got home the next morning, his wife was furious with him because he had forgotten to phone, and she did not believe his story about staying with a broth

er because of the state he was in, but wondered if he had been with another wome n, however she pretended to believe him, by asking how the ceremony had gone, an d asked how many other brethren had been there and all the regular questions tha t wives do ask, and he told her that it had been an excellent Lodge meeting and that 65 brethren had turn up etc. However at the next Lodge meeting when the sec retary rose to read out correspondence, he read a letter from the wife asking if the brother where her husband had stayed the night after the last lodge meeting would please write to her and confirm his story that he had stayed the night at his house because he was unfit to drive home. The next day in the post she received 64 letters. Sent by : Gordon Moffat PM 6851 West Lancs. Sent by : (NAME) Edward Baral (GRANDLODGE) Lodge Harold Herman Unity, NSW Australia (E-MAIL) rok@tig.com.au A recently raised Master Mason applied for a job and knowing his prospective bos s to be a prominent Mason he made sure to wear his square and compass cuff links . When he arrived at the interview he approached his interviewer in the regular manner and proceeded to shake hands (yes with THAT handshake). After an hour or so (with the candidate dropping numerous Masonic references)the prospective boss asked if he were to be offered the job, what package would he expect. Our candidate, now feeling very confident said that he would like $200,0 00 and five weeks of annual leave. His interviewer replied, "We'll halve it and you begin." Sent by : (NAME) R. L. Blaney, P.M. (GRANDLODGE) Grand Lodge F&AM of Ohio (E-MAIL) wb8nhe@bright.net As is usual in my Lodge, the junior officers move up one station later in the ma sonic year, on evenings when no special work is schedualed. This gives them expe rience for the coming year. One young Senior Deacon got his tongue wrapped aroun d his eye teeth awkwardly during the closing of Lodge, the first time sitting as Junior Warden. Instead of saying *It is the order of the WM that this lodge of Master MASONS be now closed*, it came out as Master BAITERS. Later he told the M aster he was just practising for annual inspection Sent by : (NAME) David Blue (GRANDLODGE) AvonGlen #170 G.R.A (E-MAIL) dblue@v-wave.com The Master of the lodge and his two wardens went golfing one day. As they were a bout to tee off the first hole the course marshal came and asked if a young woma n could join their group. Being a chairitable group they all agreed. She turned out to be a scratch golfer but on the 18 th. hole she drove the green in two and was about to put for eagle. She then ask the three brothers if any one of them helped her make the put she would be eternally gratefull. Well then, the Junior Warden look at the put and told her it was uphill and broke to the right. Well t he Senior Warden being a more expert workman looked at it seccond, and said " Th at is partialy correct but five inchs from the hole it breaks back to the left. Well the Master of Lodge then took his turn. He looked at the put carefull y and

then went over to the ball, Picked it up and exclaimed " It's a gimme !!!" Sent by : (NAME) Richard Saxby Jr. (GRANDLODGE) Seneca River #160 Grand Lodge of New York (E-MAIL) sax_7@yahoo.com One day a Doctor was asked to give a Jewish fellow a physical. The fellow inform ed the Doctor that "I will only allow myself to be examined by someone with Kosh er hands". Realizing how much this meant to the fellow, the Doctor asked the sta ff if there were any Jewish Doctors on any of the floors of the hospital. He was told that there was a Jewish Doctor that worked on the 8th floor. The Doctor ca lled him and explained his situation and asked if he could come to the 2nd floor and perform the examination for him. The Jewish Doctor exclaimed " I have my ow n problems here to take care of, I have 5 Catholics who won't pee in a mason jar !" Sent by : (NAME) Rob Jones-Cook (GRANDLODGE) Park 63, British Columbia (E-MAIL) jonescook@home.com At the monthly Building Socirety meeting much discussion raged about the problem of mice in the Lodge building. Of course several sugestions on how to be rid of them were offered. Mouse traps. mouse poison. Buy a cat. Call an exterminator. The building manager took all this advice under consideration and it was agreed that at the next meeting he would make a report on his progress. Sure enough at the next meeting he was questioned . Did you use my idea of a cat? Did you use m ine of traps? Finally he said, "All the mice are gone." All wanted to know how h e had accomplished such a feat. "Well...I swore all the mice in as MM and have n ot seen them since!" Sent by : (NAME) Anonimous A salesman walked into the post office in a small town and started to talk to th e Post Master. In the course of their conversation the topic of Freemasonry came up. The man started to berate and criticize the Craft. He then asked the Post M aster if he wanted hear a very funny joke about Masons. The Post Master told him that he was a Mason, as was the man standing in line behind the salesman, as we re three of the mail carriers at the front desk. Now in the company of five Free masons did the man still want to tell the joke to which the salesman replied, "N ot if I have to explain it five times!" NAME = R Frith GRANDLODGE = UGLE E-MAIL = a.r.frith@btinternet.com For all the Ark Mariners Noah called God; yes god said Noah; I would like you build me and ark; like the last one said Noah; no said God, this one has to have twenty decks; Twenty decks said Noah!; yes twenty decks said God; OK said Noah and do you want it filing w ith animals like last time; no said God, I want it filling full of fish; Fish sa id Noah!; Fish said God, in particular Carp; Carp said Noah?; Carp said God; Ok said Noah, just one thing, why do want full of Carp; " I have always fanced a Mu lti-Story-Carp-Ark said God" There is this Guy out at sea in a small boat, rough weather and it overturns, as he's bobbing about a life boat appears, as they called out, he said its ok I am

a Royal Ark Mariner God will look after me, and refused thier help, after a sho rt while a helicopter is overhead lowering a rope and again the guy says its ok I am a Royal Ark Mariner God will look after me,the guy refuses their help. Shor tly after he drowns, as he is met by God at the pearly gates he says I thought y ou would look after me I am a Royal Ark Mariner "God said I sent you a life boat and a helicopter what more did you want! NAME = Siddharth Dhawan GRANDLODGE = Lodge Ashoka No: 93, Grand Lodge of India E-MAIL = sid79@india.com The Worshipful Master of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it. In accorda nce with custom, the Genie offered to grant him a wish. "OK," said the WM, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate to fly. So my wish is for you to build a bridge so I can drive to Hawaii." "I can't do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie. "Don't you know that's impossible? No Genie could do that. It's too far, the water is too deep, it's just totally beyo nd anybody's power. You will have to make another wish." "OK," said the Master. "I wish that at our next Stated Meeting all the old PMs w ould just get along and not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not put down the current officers ... just sit on the sidelines and behave!" "Hmmmmm," said the Genie. "Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??" Have you heard the story about that fellow who wants to go hunting? He needed a dog and consulted a Brother. That brother, who sold dogs, gave him on, called JW. "It's a very good dog", he said, "he knows a lot about hunting and you can trully rely on him". Our fellow took that dog. One week later he returned. "It's not too bad, but he doesn't seem to be very experienced. Haven't you got another dog?" "Sure I have", said the Brother. "This one for example is called SW and he's a b it more experienced. Try him and if you don't like him, feel free to come back." Indeed, our fellow returned the dog two weeks later. "He's quite good actually, but he's not what I'm looking for. Still I need a dog which is more experienced. " "Well", said the Brother, "I can offer you a really experienced dog. He's called PM and you'll have good time with him." So our fellow took the animal. Just one day later he returned. "What's wrong with him?", the Brother asked, "I haven't got any dog that is more experienced than this one." "Well", our fellow said, "he might be experienced, but all he's doing is sitting there and barking!" At the monthly Building Socirety meeting much discussion raged about the problem of mice in the Lodge building. Of course several sugestions on how to be rid of them were offered. Mouse traps. mouse poison. Buy a cat. Call an exterminator. The building manager took all this advice under consideration and it was agreed that at the next meeting he would make a report on his progress. Sure enough at the next meeting he was questioned . Did you use my idea of a cat? Did you use m ine of traps? Finally he said, "All the mice are gone." All wanted to know how h e had accomplished such a feat. "Well...I swore all the mice in as MM and have n ot seen them since!" NAME = Felix Gordillo GRANDLODGE = Universal #178- Tampa, Florida E-MAIL = fgordill@tampabay.rr.com There is this lodge located in the backwoods of a small southern town where the bretheren are faithful masons but lack knowledge of receiving brothers from othe r jurisdictions. During one of the meetings, the JD informs the WM that there wa s an alarm at the door where upon the WM replied "Attend the alarm and report yo

ur findings ". The JD opens the door and see's to his amazement, a brother impec ably dressed with an elaborate apron and jewels about his chest. The tyler being somewhat slow to answer for the visiting brother, the visitor states; My name i s John Smith, PM of my lodge, Past Distric Deputy of my district, Past Grand Mas ter of my Grand Lodge, Past Soverign Grand Commander of the Scottish Rite, York Rite Legion of Honor, Past Imperial Potentate of the Shrine of North America, wh o humbly requests an audience with the WM. The JD upon hearing these words from the visiting brother and the elaborate apron and jewels upon his chest, immediat ely closes the door, returns to his post and informs the WM: "Worshipful Master, The Grand Architect of the Universe is at the door"!!! NAME = Dai McClymont GRANDLODGE = Alberton Lodge, no. 1651 SC E-MAIL = DMcclymont@gautengleg.gov.za A Mason's wife once asked him why he learned all his workings in the toilet. His reply: "That's the only properly tiled room in the house." NAME = Lawson Purdie GRANDLODGE = Rutherglen No 116, GL of Scotland E-MAIL = lawsonpurdie@hotmail.com A rather nervous master in my province closing his lodge "Have all the pages of the evening been weighed?" (Must have been heavy ritual work that night). NAME = William C. (Boots) Bell PM. GRANDLODGE = Youngstown Lodge#615 - G. L. of Ohio E-MAIL = Tubalcain615@aol.com A burglar broke into an old pastmasters house one night. He shined his flashligh taround looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his pants !! , clicked his flashlight out and froze. Whe n he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began sear ching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a be ll he heard, "Jesus is watching you." He freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source o f the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to res t on a parrot... "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 160lb Rottweiler Jesus." NAME = Allan Taylor GRANDLODGE = Hamilton Kilwinning No.7, Scotland E-MAIL = allan.taylor@ukonline.co.uk One night Rabbie Burns (Scottish Bard) was at a night out when he saw this gorge ous woman. Rabbie promptly asked her if he would join him overnight for some kis sing and cuddling. The woman said "yes, but only if you make me a mason". Rabbie said "yes", and the woman followed him home. "Will you make me a mason" she ask s Rabbie. "Yes" he replied, but you will need to take your clothes off. The woma

n tore her clothes off and the had a passionate night together. Waking in the mo rning the lady asks "Rabbie, have you made me a mason yet". He replied "No, but may this be a prick of torture to your flesh in the meantime" NAME = Michael Morton GRANDLODGE = Converse Lodge - Malden MA E-MAIL = harperwitch@yahoo.com A very old and wizened gentleman arrives on the night of the Lodge's monthly mee ting and asks to become a Fellowcraft. When advised that he would have to become an Entered Apprentice first, , the old man nods "I was entered as an apprentice in this Lodge 86 years ago." He gives the date and the records are examined. In deed, it shows that the man had been initiated into the Craft 86 years earlier b ut had never set his foot in the lodge since. When asked why he had not been the re in 86 years, the old man smiled and said "I've been learning to subdue my pas sions!" NAME = Ernesto P. Rivera GRANDLODGE = Lincoln Lodge #34, Grand Lodge of the Ph E-MAIL = riverae@dg.anvy.mil A candidate was received with a sharp instrument and after the explanation why, the SD has having a hard time taking the candidate by the left arm. The candidat e strongly maintains his composure, fist closed. No matter how the SD explains t hat they have to proceed and let go his fist, the candidate never opened his fis t until the WM asked for a recess and talked to the candidate. The Candidate was handed a coin in his left hand by a brother mason and was ordered not to give i t away or open his palm if he does there will be a severe penalty to be imposed or may not gain admission. NAME = keith rowell GRANDLODGE = reddish lodge3615 UGLE E-MAIL = k.rowell@ntlworld.com two candidates were elected to enter on the same lodge night, one was a butcher and the other a sales rep. on the night of initiation the butcher went in first, when it came to the charge at the north east corner it was discovered that he ha d a quarter pound of liver in his pocket that he was going to deliver on his way home, obviously this had to be taken away. the JD took this to the tyler and sa id this is the butchers liver ,and to this day we havnt seen the sales rep NAME = W.B. Alex Harper GRANDLODGE = Unity Lodge 710 Grand Lodge of Canada Two non Masons were passing a lodge after have quite a few drinks. What do you think goes on in there? asks one. I don't know but I am going in to find out, said the other. After two or three minutes he comes flying out of the door all bloody and clothe s ripped. What happened to you? asks the first. Well he said, after passing through the entryway, I climbed a winding stair. Whe n I got to the top I came to a door with a small door at head height and so I kn ocked. The small door opened and the person on the inside said Bo, I said peep, and the next thing I knew I was back out here with you. name: Andrew Alexander lodge: Lodge of Commerce grandlodge: United Grand Lodge of Victoria

A poor old Junior Deacon had been having a very bad night of ritual during a Fir st Degree. His candidate, though, was a very enthusiastic young man. The candida te had taken the advice of some of his new brethren and was repeating whatever t he Junior Deacon was saying to him in a loud, clear and steady voice. It came to the end of the Ceremony of Initiation and the WM announced,"Brother... you are now at liberty to retire." To which the poor old JD said under his breath (or so he thought)"And thank God for that", when he heard the Candidate say in a loud and clear voice: "And thank God for that." name: Allan Barr P.M. lodge: St. John Slamannan No. grandlodge: Scotland A freemason found himself a contestant on the popular tv show "mastermind". after the presenter had exchanged the usual greetings and enquired his name and occupation the brother declared his "chosen specialist subject" to be "the histo ry of Scottish Freemasonry since the foundation of Grand Lodge" the first questi on was, in what year was the Grand Lodge of Scotland founded? to which the broth er answered "pass". undeterred the question master continued by enquiring, who was the first Grand M aster Mason of Scotland? as in the former instance the brother's answer was "pas s". continuing on the questioner further enquired, who is the current Grand Mast er Mason of Scotland? and for a third time the answer was "pass". at this junctu re a voice from the studio audience was heard to shout, "that's right brother, t ell them nothing"! name: Charles Kettles lodge: Mad River # 77 grandlodge: GL of VT As the Grand Master and I were walking down the street while we were visiting Cin cinnati, OH. We happen to pass a pet shop. It has a sign in the window that caug ht our eye. It said, See our Masonic Birds. Well we looked at each other and since we had time before our scheduled meeting, we decided to investigate? We went in and proceeded to the aviary to view the birds. While we were inspecti ng them the owner came over and offered to help us. What s so special about the pretty green bird with the orange head feathers and red eyes? , I asked. Oh, he recites the Working tools of the First Degree. , was the reply. How much is that bird I queried. That one goes for $500 said the owner. What about that blue bird with the red trim feathers and yellow beak?, I asked. That bird knows the Middle Chamber and sells for $750. , said the owner. And what about that outstanding purple bird with the iridescent green plumage , I a sked. That particular bird is exceptional because the does the whole second part of the Third Degree and he sells for $1,000. Oh, I see. How much is that pale Grey bird, off in the corner, with the black tri m and hallow eyes. I inquired. Well that bird goes for $2,000. , said the owner. Wow , I said, What does he do? Nothing. , replied the owner. Nothing? , I repeated. Well, then why are you charging so much for him? I wanted to k now. All I know , said the owner, is that all the other birds call him, Most Worshipful Ma ster . name: W.Bro Vic Gillam lodge: Duke of Richmond Lodge No 3143

grandlodge: Grand Lodge of England A pot-holer decided one day to investigate some above ground caves. He came acro ss a very narrow cave and went down it. When he reached the end he found a skele ton which had a sword in its hand. Turning a corner he passed through a doorway into a large cavern. He found this cavern contained a great many skeletons. Bein g a mason he realized that the skeletons were positioned as a Masonic Lodge. Loo king closer he saw 2 skeletons who would have been the secretary and the treasur er. One of them has a piece of paper in his hand, He removed the paper and read "If someone does'n promp the Worshipful Master soon we'll be here all night. name: John Goody lodge: Godolphin Lodge 7790 grandlodge: UGLE A young E.A. came running into the W.M.'s robing room , shouting, W.M., there is a case of Syphilis in the Lodge . The W.M. replied, thank goodness for that, I was getting sick of Beaujolais! name: John Goody lodge: Godolphin Lodge 7790 grandlodge: UGLE A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh! The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, f uming. She says to the Freemason next to her: The driver just insulted me! The man says: ou go right up there and tell him off go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you. name: Rt.Wor.Bro.Andrew W.Coid. lodge: Harp and Crown M.L.No.60 grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Ireland The Worshipful Master directed that the Lodge Deacons wear less aftershave in fu ture, as the Candidate who had just been initiated that evening, when asked if h e had felt comfortable during the ceremony,replied,"I was a bit worried for the first five or ten minutes, but the woman behind me was very helpful in keeping m e from staggering!" name: Rt.Wor.Bro.Andrew W.Coid. lodge: Harp and Crown M.L.No.60 grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Ireland A Mason was stopping overnight in the home of a Masonic colleague,a farmer. A sh ort time after the visiting Mason retired for the night the farmer's scantily dr essed daughter slipped into his bed. The Mason shoved her out of his bed saying, "I am a Mason. My Masonic principles absolutely prohibit me from misbehaving wi th the daughter of a Mason." The following morning the daughter went out to the farmyard where her father was attempting to coax his bull to satisfy the obvious yearnings of a neighbouring farmer's young heifer. The bull refused to cooperat e, wandered away and lay down in the hay. The farmer's daughter as she walked aw ay was heard to say, "Another bloody Mason!!!" name: Peter Taylor lodge: Albert , 448 grandlodge: Scotland

A ragged tramp stopped a Mason on his way home from the lodge and asked him for money for food. I ll do better than that! said the Mason. Come into the pub, and I ll b uy you a drink! Thank you! said the beggar. But I ve never drunk and I never will! Well

let me buy you some cigarettes then! said the Mason. No, thanks! said the tramp, I ve never smoked and I never will! Okay , said the Mason. Come back to the lodge with me and I ll see you get a meal! No, thanks , said the man. I ve never entered a masonic lod ge and I never will! Right, then , said the Mason Will you please come home with me a nd meet my wife! Why? asked the tramp. Well , said the Mason. I just want her to see wh at happens to a guy who doesn t drink, doesn t smoke and hasn t joined the Masons! name: Stewart Brass lodge: Harris Lodge No. 216 grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Canada in the Province of Ontario There was a time when a lodge had to make use of a banquet room in the local hot el due to their own lodge hall having burned down. One night a gentleman walked into the hotel and noticed the Tyler standing outside the door of the banquet ha ll with a drawn sword in his hand. He asked the desk clerk "What is that man doi ng with that sword?" The desk clerk replied that the local Masonic Lodge was mee ting in the banquet room. The gentleman then said "Oh the Masons. That's the org anization that is really hard to get into" whereupon the desk clerk replied " It must be. That poor guy with the sword has been knocking on that door for months and they still haven't let him in". name: Edd Alexander lodge: Mannford #515 grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Oklahoma The difference between a Masonic ritualist and a middle eastern terrorist? You c an negotiate with the terrorist! name: JP Bernard lodge: Thistle Lodge No.96 grandlodge: The Grand Lodge of Quebec "TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB" WHEN WE CONVENED LODGE, A MERE FEW WEEKS AGO, IT WAS REPORTED A LIGHT BULB, HAD LOST ALL IT'S GLOW. THIS CREATED A STIR, IT MEANT THE EVIL WORD, WOULD NEED TO BE SPOKEN, WHICH WAS SELDOM HEARD. "WE WOULD NEED A "CHANGE" TO MAKE IT LIGHT AGAIN, IF WE WEREN'T CAREFUL, WE WOULD COMMIT A SIN. BE IT AS IT MAY, A COMMITTEE WAS FORMED, TO STUDY OUR PLIGHT, AND KEEP A LID ON THE STROM. IT WAS ARGUED BY SOME, WE'VE NEVER DONE IT THIS WAY, WHY, IT'S PREPOSTEROUS, WE HEARD SOME SAY.

CHANGE IS NOT NEEDED, WHY, ONE COULD MAKE A SLIP, WHILE STANDING SO LOFTY, FALL AND BREAK A HIP. THE COMMITTEE DRUG ON, SEARCHING FOR THINGS, WHILE AVOIDING REALITY, THE INEVITABLE "CHANGE". THE RITUALISTS SCREAMED OUT, YOU'RE BREAKING OUR HEARTS, WE WON'T ACCEPT "CHANGE", SO THE LODGE WENT DARK. MY BRETHREN, IT MAY SEEM, I MAKE FUN WITH MY RHYME, IT'S MORE SERIOUS THAN THAT, IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME. WHEN THE LAUGHTER WILL STOP, WITH BROTHERHOOD NO MORE, CAUSE THE LODGE WILL GO DARK, WE KEPT "CHANGE" FROM THE DOOR. THE WORLD HAS NOT CHANGED, NOT ONE LITTLE BIT, IT'S TECHNOLOGY AND PEOPLE, THAT LIVE TOGETHER ON IT. EMBRACE THE FUTURE, AS WELL AS THE PAST, IT'S A MATTER OF SURVIVAL, WE MUST MAKE IT LAST. Ben Steen copyright May 15, 2005 ======================================== and: Question: How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: After much research on this tricky question, it can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows: - 2 to complain that the light does not work; - 1 to pass the problem on to the Board of General Purposes; - 3 to do a study on light in the lodge; - 2 to check the type of lights the Lion's Club uses; - 3 to argue about the liability involved in using volunteer labour to change i t; - 5 to plan a fund raising dinner to pay for the change; - 2 to complain that "that's not the way we used to change bulbs"; - 1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb, and install it; and - 1 to order the brass plate and have it inscribed. name: David William Jones lodge: St Idloes No 1852 grandlodge: UGLE A Freemason parks his brand new Porsche in front of the Lodge to show it off to

his Brothers. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the ke rb and takes off the door before speeding off. More than a little distraught, the Mason grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later, the police arrive. He starts screaming hysterically: "My Porsche, my beautiful red Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it takes at the panel beaters, it'll simply never be the same again!" After the Brother finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in di sgust: "I can't believe how materialistic you bl**dy Masons are. You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life." "How can you say such a thing at a time like this?", snaps the Brother. The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the lorry hit you?" The Brother looks down in absolute horror "BL**DY HELL!!!!!! he screams........ Where's my Rolex ????..." name: jnchowdhary lodge: sanchi no. 247 grandlodge: india A candidate was being initiated and when kneeled on his entering the lodge blind folded after the prayer the wm asked "in all cases of danger and difficulty in w hom do you put your trust" he replied before the junior deacon could prompt him "in my wife". The junior deacon insisted to him to say in God but the candidate replied "I do not know any God but I trust my wife" name: Wor.Bro. R. Raymond lodge: Baden Powell 505 grandlodge: UGL of Qld Australia The Order The brethren of the lodge decided that, for a social outing with some physical a ctivity, they would spend a day walking in the mountains. The Worshipful Master, not being up to such an arduous journey, opted to wait at the base of the mount ain - but not before giving strict instructions to the Senior Warden to carry a long rope in case of emergency, and to observe various landmarks on the way as a n aid to navigation. Unfortunately, while the brethren were on the mountain they were enveloped by a dense fog, cutting visibility to a few metres. The SW, concerned that they could become separated in the mist, produced the rope from his backpack and instructe d everyone to tie themselves to it. Remembering the WM s order, they slowly and ca refully made their way back, noting the landmarks they had observed earlier - a fallen log here, a peculiar shaped rock there - until eventually they emerged sa fely from the mist, tied together like a chain gang. The WM was overjoyed to gre et them. I was very worried when the mist covered the mountain , he said. How did yo u find your way back without anyone getting lost? Isn t it obvious? replied the SW. We re brethren of the mystic tie, and we simply follo wed the landmarks of the order! name: Wor.Bro. R. Raymond lodge: Baden Powell 505 grandlodge: UGL of Qld Australia Masonic Limericks Upon googling the internet with clicks, I found Masonic limericks were nix. Why is that so? I really don t know; So I wrote some myself - just for kicks.

There once was a Freemason called Mitchell Who had trouble remembering his ritual. The Master said, Son, The learning s not done Until it becomes habitual. A visiting Brother from Texas Stood To Order in Lodge right next to us. He gave us a fright As he stepped-off with his right; He just happened to be ambidextrous. There was a Freemason from Clydes Who wore a newspaper apron. He confides, The apron caught fire And burned his entire Front page, sports section and classifieds. The Brethren from Lodge at The Grange, A light bulb they had to exchange; It no longer would glow, But the Master said, No, In Freemasonry nothing can change. A one-legged Mason from Myrtle Once had a race with a turtle; But the turtle won fair Because the man on the square Went round the fourth part of a circle. There was a young Mason from York Who felt like a bit of a dork, In his black penguin suit And white apron to boot, Till he went to Grand Lodge for a gawk. Three ruffians thought it was simple To steal the builder s secrets, until He prevaricated - said Nay, I ll not betray. So they served Hiram Abiff in the temple. There was a Lodge Chaplain named Bell, Who read words from the VSL. Sometimes he d mutter, Sometimes he d stutter, And sometimes he d even yell. Two came for the first Tracing Board, One by free will and accord; But the other old bloke, This is no joke, Came by Model T Ford. There was a young man named Jason Who wanted to become a Freemason; But when a Brother of note Said, You ll ride the goat , Jason from the Mason did hasten.

The Master asked the Candidate from Fyfe, In times of difficulty and strife, Tell us, you must, In whom do you trust? The Candidate replied, In the wife. There once was a PM from Mayne Who did nothing in Lodge but complain. That wasn t the way It was done in his day. He really was a terrible pain. Testing a Lodge visitor at Doncaster, Once caused an embarassing disaster. When asked for the Word He said, Don t be absurd, You should know that I m the Grand Master! The Stewards at a Lodge in Turin Served the Festive Board, with a grin. But the size of each plate Was so overweight, The Junior Warden said, Halve it, and begin. name: Fraser Card lodge: King Hiram # 78 grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Ontario, Canada It was the night Fraser was going to be initiated, his good wife of many years s aid, "I'll be up when ya get home, so you can tell me all about it then." Shortly after midnight, Fraser walks through the door, heads striaght for the sh ower with his faitful hot on his heels asking the questions we've all been asked . Days have passed and still not a peep out of Fraser & the little bride is hot as she's ever been in their days together..... "we've never had a secret from day one from each other..ya can't tell me now, this Lodge thing is going to divide u s ? " Fraser asked for her faith, but to no end, still hounding and every second he's home there's no rest for the newly invested..... After weeks of the looks & the bitter talk, Fraser gives in. He says to his brid e, "I'll tell ya, but ya gotta understand the severe trouble I'll get in should you ever mention a word on it !" "Nar a word to the girls then.... not a single letter of it to your sister...ya hear me..... !" "Go lock the door, pull the dra pes..... and sit close as I'll only tell ya on it but once, and never a word aga in.... understand then ? " The bride swears to it all..... Fraser starts in a low whisper about the evenings goings on.... "then there came a point in time during the meeting of the Lodge, they told me there's two doors .... enter the first, and remove all your clothes... turn out the light, and ope n the second door..... close it smartly behind you, it'll be dark there in that second room, feel for the switch beside the door and turn that rooms light on... . "So...." says the bride "did ya then. . . . ? " "I did" says Fraser... "and ther e on a cot was the most beautiful lady with the most gracefull long red hair I'v e ever laid my eyes on.... laying there all naked she was..... and she was invit ing me to take part with her..... " With this the little wife jumps up and screams "ya din't take her did ya !!!! " Fraser's retort .... "I had no choice, if I didn't do my duty...they'd sent me s traight to the Odd Fellows Lodge eh ! " Ah that marriage to this day, is as strong now, as it was 25 years ago...

Enjoy our days boys . . . take long walks and share your smile with a stranger t hen... life is good. name: Jeffrey A. Kaplan, PM lodge: University Heights #738, F. & A.M. grandlodge: Ohio Back at the turn of the last century, there used to be a small Lodge in a small town somewhere just north or Farmington, Maine. Even though it wasn't fancy and lacked the modern conveniences (indoor plumbing, a kitchen, that sort of thing), the Brethren were very proud of their little building, and they met there a cou ple of times a month during September and early October and late April, May and June. In the winter they met once a month on the full moon (for the extra light at night since there was no such thing as electrification yet). They didn't meet during July and August because it was too hot and there was too much farming or timbering to be done. In the cold winter months when the wind would howl and th e snow would pile up, the little pot bellied wood burning stove kept them warm a nd cozy as they conducted their monthly meetings. Now these were men who believe d in and practiced the tenets and principles of Freemasonry. Occasionally, they would have a little social where they could bring their wives, but this usually was on Sunday afternoons after church. Beyond that, no women were allowed in the building! Now there was a little old lady who lived near the Lodge hall, and she was the s ource of consternation among the Brethren for years. Seems that during the winte r months - and in Maine that's November through April - this woman, we'll call h er Mrs. Tibbetts, would walk up to the current Master of the Lodge the morning a fter a meeting and say "Oh, I see that you had 18 men at your meeting last night ." Sometimes the number was higher, and sometimes the number was lower, but Mrs. Tibbetts was always right. This went on for years, and drove the Brethren crazy . Every morning after a meeting the Master would dread Mrs. Tibbetts' approach b ecause he knew what was coming..."Oh, I see you had (the correct number) men at your meeting last night." And darn it, she was right, but how did she know? Did she have a way of sneaking in the Lodge and spying on us? Finally, as Mrs. Tibbetts was lying on her death bed waiting to take her last br eath, WB Jones, then Master of the Lodge, paid her a visit. Without nary a momen t's hesitation, he asked, "For all these years you've told us, without fail and without an error, how many Brethren we had attending the previous night's meetin g. How did you do it? Where was your spy hole? I've got to know." Well, Mrs. Tib bets looked up at the perplexed and frustrated man and smiled. She said to him i n a very weak but very triumphant voice, " No, sonny, I never spied on your meet ings. But it was easy enough to tell how many of you men were there. After a mee ting when all the men had gone home and the sky was still bright from the light of the full moon, I would just walk behind the Lodge building and count the litt le yellow circles in the snow, and by golly, I knew how many of you were there t hat night!" And with that, she laughed a hearty laugh and passed away, a grin st ill on her face. name: Jeffrey A. Kaplan, PM lodge: University Heights #738, F. & A.M. grandlodge: Ohio This one was told by P.C.S., PGM and Past Grand Secretary of the Grand Lodge of Maine. He always made himself the object of the story... MWB P.C.S. used to have speaking engagements all around the state. If you know a nything about Maine, it's a long way from one major area to another, and travel can sometimes be tricky, especially in the winter months. One particularly cold winter's evening, MWB P.C.S. had to leave his home near Po rtland for a speaking engagement in Bangor, normally a little over a couple of h

ours away. Now MWB P.C.S. was not known for his maintaining the posted speed lim it. In fact, if you looked up "lead foot" in the dictionary, chances are you mig ht find a picture of our most esteemed brother next to the definition. But on this particular evening, MWB P.C.S. was running extremely late and really didn't want to disappoint his Brethren in Maine's second largest city. So he go t on the Maine Turnpike, pressed the pedal to the floor and headed north. He was making great time until he passed Freeport. He looked into his rearview mirror and saw the flashing lights of a state police car. MWB P.C.S. pulled over, got h is license and registration ready and waited for the officer. The state trooper tapped on the window and MWB P.C.S. rolled it down. "License and registration, p lease," the trooper said. MWB P.C.S. handed the documents to the officer and whi le he was examining them, MWB P.C.S. asked the trooper if he was a Traveling Man . "Indeed I am," was the reply. "Sir, I am P.C.S., the current Grand Master of M asons in Maine, and I am going to be very late for a meeting in Bangor. Can you help me out?" our Most Worshipful Brother asked. "Well, I'll let you go this tim e but keep your speed down," the trooper replied. "And it was a pleasure to meet you, MWB P.C.S.." Once again, MWB P.C.S. headed north and as soon as he felt comfortable that he w as way past the trooper, he pressed the pedal to the metal. He whizzed past Augu sta and was now about an hour or so away. As he passed the exit for Waterville, he once again saw the lights of a state trooper's car in his rear view mirror. A gain, MWB P.C.S. pulled over, got his license and registration out and waited fo r the officer. Tap, tap, tap on the window. "License and registration, please." "Are you a Traveling Man?" "Yes, I am." Well, after a brief exchange, MWB P.C.S. was let off with just a warning. And again, as soon as he was sure it was OK, M WB P.C.S. let his foot do the talking, so to speak. "I'm making great time," he thought. "Only a half hour away." The exit for Bangor was now only a couple of miles away. "I'm going to be almost on time!" MWB P.C.S. thought. Suddenly there were the lights of another police vehicle visible in his mirror. "Here we go again," he thought. Once again, he pu lled over, got his license and registration ready and waited for the inevitable tap on the window. "License and registration, please," the trooper stated. "Are you a Traveling Man?" MWB P.C.S. asked. "Yes, I am" was the reply. Once again, M WB P.C.S. identified himself, and pleaded his case. But this time the officer be gan writing a ticket. "Officer, Why are you writing that? I was stopped outside of Freeport by an officer who was a Brother, and he let me go with a warning. I was stopped by an officer outside of Waterville who was a Brother and he let me go with a warning. Why are issuing me a ticket?" The officer looked at MWB P.C.S. very calmly and with just the hint of a grin on his face and replied. "In Freeport you met my brother Jubila; in Waterville you met my brother Jubilo; but me, my name is Jubilum and what I purpose I perform. " And with that, the officer finished writing, tore the ticket from his book, ga ve it to our Grand Master and wished him a safe journey name: Gary Woodbridge lodge: Bolingbroke 2417 grandlodge: U.G.L.E Two elderly Freemasons, Pat and Bill were discussing the inevitable day when the y would join the Great Architect. "I wonder", said Pat, "if there are Lodges up there". "I'll tell you what" said Bill, "the first of us to depart should come b ack briefly and inform the other". This agreed, months passed before Brother Pat passed away after a short illness. Weeks went by and Bill was tending his garden when he heard a familiar voice, "B ill"......."Bill", "Is that you Pat"? asked Bill, "Yes" replied Pat. "Well, are there lodges up there", questioned Bill.

"Oh yes" said Pat. "They're fantastic. Every meeting is fully attended, the fest ive board is awesome, our workings are always word perfect, but there is a sad p oint" "Whats that" enquired Pat. "Well next Wednesday we're conducting a Second Degree" "Why is that so sad" asked Bill. "Well" said Pat. "You're the Senior Deacon" name: Flotus lodge: Philadelphia grandlodge: Montevideo, Uruguay At a very small country lodge, the Tyler was, by chance, a newly inititated appr entice. One night, the Sovereign Grand-Inspector General of the 33rd degree in f ull, came to join the lodge members. Awed by the regalia and apron of the Sovere ign, the Tyler came into the Temple and said, Worshipful Master, at the Temple do or, waiting to be granted entrance, is the Great Architect of the Universe

name: Flotus lodge: Philadelphia grandlodge: Montevideo, Uruguay At a very small country lodge, the Tyler was, by chance, a newly inititated appr entice. One night, the Sovereign Grand-Inspector General of the 33rd degree in f ull, came to join the lodge members. Awed by the regalia and apron of the Sovere ign, the Tyler came into the Temple and said, Worshipful Master, at the Temple do or, waiting to be granted entrance, is the Great Architect of the Universe name: Wor.Bro. R. Raymond lodge: Baden Powell 505 grandlodge: UGL. of Qld Australia Masonic Riddles Welcome to my collection of Masonic Riddles. The majority are original and have never been published before. Enjoy. Ballot Q. What is it called if a Lodge ballot returns two black balls? A. Electile dysfunction. Boaz Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he was married? A. Ruthless. Brewery Q. What time was it when the Lodge visited the brewery? A. High time. Bright Freemasons Q. What s the first thing most Freemasons do in the morning of a lodge meeting? A. Wake up. Crocodile Q. Why did the crocodile refuse to eat Freemasons? A. Because they would lodge in its throat. Cross the Road Q. Why did the Freemason cross the road?

A. He was following the landmarks of the Order. Drawbridge Q. What did the Freemason say when he tripped and fell off the drawbridge? A. So moat it be. Festive Board Q. What did the Junior Warden say when the Steward was about to serve double hel pings at the Festive Board. A. Halve it and begin. Finders Keepers Q. Where do you find Freemasons? A. It depends where you lost them. Freemason or Not? Q. When is a Freemason not a Freemason? A. When advancing to the East in the Second Degree, he turns into a winding stai rcase. Freeway Q. How are freeways and Freemasonry alike? A. They both provide a pathway to where you want to go. Grand Lodge Above No.1 Q. Why can t Brethren working in Antarctica pass to the Grand Lodge Above? A. Because they re not dead. Grand Lodge Above No.2 Q. Why couldn t the absent-minded Brother enter the Grand Lodge Above? A. Because he forgot to bring his regalia. Hiram and the Sheriff Q. What do Hiram Abiff and Gary Cooper have in common? A. They both faced murderous ruffians at high noon. Hiram et al Q. What do Hiram Abiff, George Washington and a tombstone cutter have in common? A. They re all monumental masons. King Solomon s Temple Q. Where was King Solomon s Temple located? A. On the side of his head. Lodges and Pubs Q. What do Masonic Lodges and pubs have in common? A. The longer you stay the more enlightened you become. Masonic Apron Q. Why do Freemasons wear aprons? A. Just in case they have to do the washing up. Masonic Beavers Q. What s the first thing a colony of Masonic beavers would do? A. Build a grand lodge. Masonic Colours No.1 Q. What s black, white, blue and green? A. A seasick Freemason.

Masonic Colours No.2 Q. What s black, white, blue, green and red? A. A sunburnt, seasick Freemason. Masonic Colours No.3 Q. What s black, white, blue, green, red and yellow? A. A sunburnt, seasick Freemason in a bowl of custard. Masonic Dad Q. What did the Freemason say when his kids covered him with sand at the beach? A. Don t put a sprig of acacia on top! Masonic Elephant Q. What do you get if you cross a Freemason with an elephant? A. An overweight Brother who never forgets his ritual charges. Masonic Knock-Knock Knock, knock. Who s there? Candy. Candy who? Candy date for Freemasonry. Masonic Light Bulb No.1 Q. How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb? A. No one knows. It s a secret. Masonic Light Bulb No.2 Q. How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb? A. CHANGE? Masonic Policeman Q. What did the police officer say to the Brother caught speeding home from Lodg e? A. I shall now direct your attention to a charge. Masonic Terrorists Q. Why is Freemasonry a suspected terrorist organisation? A. Because the Square and Compasses are weapons of maths instruction. Masonic Thermometer Q. Why did the Cowan break open the thermometer? A. To discover the secrets of the degrees. Non-Masonic Light Bulb Q. How many Cowans does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. They are in eternal darkness. Password Q. Why do you need a password to enter a Masonic Lodge? A. Because they don t sell tickets. Past Masters and Politicians Q. What s the difference between Past Masters and politicians? A. Politicians want to change things. Rhinoceros Q. What s the difference between a Freemason and a rhinoceros? A. Well, if you can t tell them apart you wouldn t make a very good Tyler.

Rough Stuff Q. How did the ruffians try to steal the Master Mason s secrets? A. They served Hiram Abiff in the temple. The AGSW and the Funeral Q. What does an Assistant Grand Superintendent of Workings have in common with a body at a funeral? A. The show wouldn t be the same without them, but nobody expects them to say very much. The Fellowcraft and the Tiger No.1 Q. What would you get if you mixed a Fellowcraft and a tiger? A. A tiger. The Fellowcraft and the Tiger No.2 Q. What happened to the Fellowcraft? A. He s gone into the middle chamber. The Grip Q. Why do Masons have a secret handshake? A. So they don t mistake each other for penguins. The Illuminator Q. Who is the most enlightening person in the Lodge? A. The Director of Ceremonies, because DC power is electrifying. The King is Dead Q. What did the Israelites say when their first King (before David and Solomon) died? A. That s Saul folks. The King s Limo Q. What kind of car did King Solomon s father drive? A. According to Scripture, the roar of David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. The Staircase Q. Why did the Worshipful Master fall down the stairs? A. Because the Entered Apprentice had taken the first step. Tongue in Cheek Q. What did the recalcitrant EA say before he was slain? A. Se sells seasells by the seasore. To Order Q. Why do Freemasons Stand to Order? A. Because if they sat down the waiter might not notice them. Tyler Tiler Q. What is the difference between a tyler and a tiler? A. One tyles lodges and the other lodges tiles. VSL Q. What is the Volume of the Sacred Law? A. Ten thousand cubic centimetres. Who am I? Q. Five hundred begins it, five hundred ends it, Five in the middle is seen; First of all letters, first of all figures,

Take up their stations between. Join all together, and then you will bring Before you the name of an eminent king. Who am I? (Clue: Roman numerals) A. DAVID Whodunit? Q. What's the worst thing about being a Fellowcraft? A. You're always one of the usual suspects. Women Freemasons Q. Why aren t women allowed into Freemasonry? A. Imagine telling your wife that you had a Worshipful Mistress in the Lodge! name: Roy Fairhurst lodge: Lodge of Faith 344 grandlodge: UGL England A first degree was in progress and the ritual was not very good, concequentley a series of prompts were coming from the Past Masters and the Provincial Officers (as they do). The DC was slowly loosing his cool and finally snapped, jumped up and shouted "How many DC's are there in this Lodge" The Senior Warden who had b een snoozing immediatly jumped up and said "Three besides the outer gaurd or tyl er" name: Robert Kelly lodge: Rolla Lodge No. 213 grandlodge: Missouri The temple board consisting of several old and frugal Master Masons were meeting to discuss the replacement of the lodge hall. After months of meetings, they fi nally declared that they had worked out the way to build a new lodge hall withou t spending any more money than needed. They stipulated three conditions that wou ld be a cost savings. No. 1 - They would build the new lodge hall on the site of the current lodge hall. No. 2 - They would use as much of the materials from th e original lodge hall in construction of the new lodge hall and No. 3 - They wou ld continue to use the old lodge hall until the new one was built. name: John Upton lodge: Deepdene No. 356 grandlodge: Victoria, Australia The story is told of a very nervous Inner Guard who, when being told by the Tyle r that the visitor was VWorBro Charles Carpenter, Grand Chaplain, announced to t he WM, "VWorBro Charles Chaplain, Grand Carpenter"!!! name: Michael Bonner lodge: Harmony #370 grandlodge: GL of Canada in the Province of Ontario Did you hear about the dairy farmer who became a Mason? He kept giving everyone the secret milkshake. name: Brian Mc Dowell lodge: Creswick Havilah Lodge.Melbourne Australia grandlodge: Freemasons Victoria King Arthur was attending a Lodge meeting with his Knights at another Castle wit hin his realm and on this particular night Queen Guinevere insisted he be home b

efore midnight or else she would raise the drawbridge and he would have to spend the evening with one of the serfs. The meeting finished late and King Arthur was hurtling towards Camelot and the t ime was fast aproaching midnight when he was in sight of the drawbridge which wa s slowly rising. Unable to make such a huge leap with his trusty steed he uttered the words as he dived into the watery mess, "Ah! So mote,(moat) it be" name: Wilhelm Hernandez lodge: Transportation Lodge 103 grandlodge: Canada There are two Masons who promised themselves if one of them would die will visit the second to tell about the after life. One night the dead one visited the oth er and says : Brother I am visiting you as promised and I have two news, the 1st one is, there is a Lodge in here and the second one, you have been promoted to Jr Deacon next week. name: Rohit J. Varma lodge: St. John's Lodge 434 grandlodge: UGLE Masonic Mentor: "If I stopped a man from beating up a donkey, then what virtue w ould I be showing?" Cheeky Newly Obligated Bro.: "Brotherly Love?" name: Sean Brimlow lodge: Wynnstay 3876 grandlodge: England and Wales A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address! A Welsh couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy wi nter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedul es. So, the husband left Wales and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he deci ded to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter i n her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in England , a widow had just returned home from her husban d's funeral. He was a Worshipful brother who was called to the Grand Lodge above following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and frien ds. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: October 16, 2007 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you ar e allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been che cked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine w as. P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

name: Mark Cottington lodge: Mid Sussex 7642 grandlodge: Sussex WM was making a rather laborious speech which had gone on for about 30 minutes, all of a sudden an empty bottle came out of the dining area aimed towards him, i t missed the WM but struck the IPM square on the forehead, as he slid off his ch air under the table he was heard to say "someone hit me again I can still hear h im" name: James Watkins lodge: BartlettLodge 697, Bartlett, TN 38134 grandlodge: Grand alodge of Tennessee, Nashville, TN Jed Murphy, who had been working hard all day on his farm, suddenly remembered t hat he was scheduled to be initiated at a small rural lodge. Being already quite late in the day, he had no time to go home and change clothes. Rushing as fast as he could, he arrived at the lodge where another candidate was sitting on a be nch outside the building waiting to receive his EA degree (the lodge building wa s very small requiring candidates to wait seated on the bench until the brethren were ready for them.) Jed knew the other fellow as a used car salesman. After a few minutes, two men came out and Jed was chosen to go first, leaving th e car salesman to wait his turn. When Jed was alone in the preparation room (which incidentally was on the second floor directly over the bench outside), after being instructed how to prepare h imself, he suddenly remembered that earlier in the day he had been castrating ho gs on his farm and had forgotten about the testicles in his pocket that he had p lanned to feed his dogs. Frantically, he raised the small window of the preparation room, tossing the hog balls out. Later, when they came out to get the next candidate, he was gone! Nobody ever sa w him again! name: Mark Ashford lodge: Veritas 9108 grandlodge: UGLE The festive board is coming to an end and the Brethren are preparing to make the ir way home. Sudddenly, a car bursts out of the car park and weaves unsteadily up the road, a nd is persued by the waiting patrol car. The officer asks the usual questions an d soon ascertains that the river is stone cold sober. Attempting to be friendly, ha askes the driver what position he holds in the Lodge. "Ah!", replies the dri ver, "I'm the Junior Decoy..." name: Mark Ashford lodge: Veritas 9108 grandlodge: UGLE A patrol car stops a vehicle one night at 0230 for a routine check. "Where are y ou going, Sir?" asks the Officer. "To a lecture on Freemasonry" replies the driv er. "And exactly who gives lectures on Freemasonry at two thirty in the morning? " asks the cop disbelievingly. "My wife" replies the driver. name: Br. Carlos L. Jackson lodge: Braden Lodge #168 grandlodge: Minnesota Grand Lodge of A.F & A.M According to history King Solomon had over 700 wifes & over 300 concubines, So w hy was it so important to build the Temple? Answer to get away from the wives &

concubines!!! name: Br. Carlos L. Jackson lodge: Braden Lodge #168 grandlodge: Minnesota Grand Lodge of A.F & A.M What does OES really stand for? Answer: Over Eatting Sisters name: James Watkins lodge: Bartlett Lodge 697 Bartlett, TN grandlodge: Grand Lodge of Tennessee A member of the Knights of Columbus, having a lay-over between trains, decided t o pass the time at a K of C lodge where he saw a number of gentlemen entering. W hen the password was requested, he replied with the Knights of Columbus password . "HORSE MANURE" was the reply. He left thoroughly confused. Noticing a man wear ing a K.C. lapel pin, he asked, "what's going on down there? "Oh the Masons are using our hall for their meeting tonight, their lodge is being re-carpeted. Say, you didn't give them our password did you? Well, unfortunately, I did, but I go t theirs! name: Jim Hilton lodge: Loyal No. 5040 grandlodge: England My friend and I, are on the way to the lodge this evening by metrolink sat next to a man and the smell was terible. I said to my friend: "we need to say somethi ng!" My friend said: "What can we say we will offend him". After a few minutes I turned to him and said BO and he replied AZ. It just goes to show you never kno w who you are sat next to. name: John Upton lodge: Pialba Lodge No. 192 grandlodge: United Grand Lodge of Queensland A brother went for a job interview, knowing that the interviewer was a Mason. He explained that he was absolutely the best qualified for the job and secretly ho ped that his Lodge connections would get him the position. The interviewer said that his qualifications were excellent. "What about the salary?" asked the broth er. "Halve it and you begin!" said the interviewer. name: John Upton lodge: Pialba Lodge No. 192 grandlodge: United Grand Lodge of Queensland A new candidate was riding his pushbike to the Temple for his Initiation but was running late. About half way there his chain broke and noticing his dilemma, a truck driver suggested that if he were to hold the short length of rope tied to the back of the truck, he could get towed to Lodge and get there on time. When e ventually asked in the Ceremony how he came to Freemasonry, he replied "By my ow n free wheel and a cord!"

The Structure of the Lodge

The Right Worshipful Master

Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, Is more powerful than an Intercity Expre ss Is faster than a speeding bullet, Walks on water. Gives policy to God The Worshipful Senior Warden Leaps short buildings with a single bound, Is more powerful than a goods train. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet Walks on the water if the sea is calm. Talks with God The Worshipful Junior Warden Leaps short buildings with a running start and a favourable wind. Is almost as powerful as a goods train Is faster than a speeding airgun pellet. Walks on water of a swimming pool. Talks with God if special dispensation is given. The Senior Deacon Barely clears a garden hut Loses a tug-of-war with a train Can fire a speeding bullet Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God The Junior Deacon Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings. Is run over by trains Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury Doggie paddles, Talks with the animals The Inner Guard Runs into buildings Recognizes trains two out of three times. Is not issued ammunition Can stay afloat with a life vest. Talks to walls The Steward Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings Says "Look at the choo choo's" Wets himself with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles, Mumbles to himself The Secretary Lifts buildings and walks under them Kicks trains off the tracks Catches speeding bullets in his mouth and eats them Freezes water with a single glance. He is God ! Adware Any software application that displays advertising banners while the program is running. Adware often includes code that tracks a user s personal information and passes it on to third parties without the user s authorization or knowledge. And if you gather eno ugh of it, adware slows down your computer significantly. Over time, performance can be so degraded that you may have trouble working productively. See also Spyware and Malware. Anti-Virus Software Software designed to detect and potentially eliminate viruses before they have h ad a

chance to wreak havoc within the system. Anti-virus software can also repair or quarantine files that have already been infected by virus activity. See also Vir us and Electronic Infections. Application Software that performs automated functions for a user, such as word processing, spreadsheets, graphics, presentations and databases as opposed to operating system (OS) software. Attachment A file that has been added to an email often an image or document. It could be something useful to you or something harmful to your computer. See also Virus. Authentication Confirming the correctness of the claimed identity of an individual user, machin e, software component or any other entity. Authorization The approval, permission or empowerment for someone or something to do something . Backdoor Hidden software or hardware mechanism used to circumvent security controls. Backup File copies that are saved as protection against loss, damage or unavailability of the primary data. Saving methods include high-capacity tape, separate disk sub-syste ms or on the Internet. Off-site backup storage is ideal, sufficiently far away to reduce the risk of environmental damage such as flood, which might destroy both the primary and the backup if kept nearby. Badware See Malware, Adware and Spyware. Cyber Security GlossaryF C C S M A L L B I Z C Y B E R P L A N N I N G G U I D E CSG-2 Bandwidth The capacity of a communication channel to pass data such as text, images, video or sound through the channel in a given amount of time. Usually expressed in bits p er second. Blacklisting Software A form of filtering that blocks only websites specified as harmful. Parents and employers sometimes use such software to prevent children and employees from visiting cert ain websites. You can add and remove sites from the not permitted list. This method of filtering allows for more full use of the Internet, but is less efficient at pre venting access to any harmful material that is not on the list. See also Whitelisting Software. Blended Threat A computer network attack that seeks to maximize the severity of damage and spee d of contagion by combining methods for example, using characteristics of both viruses and worms. See also Electronic Infection. Blog

Short for Web log, a blog is usually defined as an online diary or journal. It is usually updated frequently and offered in a dated log format with the most recent entry at the top of the page. It often contains links to other websites along with commentary abo ut those sites or specific subjects, such as politics, news, pop culture or computers. Broadband General term used to refer to high-speed network connections such as cable modem and Digital Subscriber Line (DSL). These types of always on Internet connections are actually more susceptible to some security threats than computers that access th e Web via dial-up service. Browser A client software program that can retrieve and display information from servers on the World Wide Web. Often known as a Web browser or Internet browser, Examples include Microsoft s Internet Explorer, Google s Chrome, Apple s Safari, and Mozilla s Firefox. Brute Force Attack An exhaustive password-cracking procedure that tries all possibilities, one by o ne. See also Dictionary Attack and Hybrid Attack. Clear Desk Policy A policy that directs all personnel to clear their desks at the end of each work ing day, and file everything appropriately. Desks should be cleared of all documents and pape rs, including the contents of the in and out trays not simply for cleanliness, but also t o ensure that sensitive papers and documents are not exposed to unauthorized perso ns outside of working hours. F C C S M A L L B I Z C Y B E R P L A N N I N G G U I D E CSG-3 Clear Screen Policy A policy that directs all computer users to ensure that the contents of the scre en are protected from prying eyes and opportunistic breaches of confidentially. Typical ly, the easiest means of compliance is to use a screen saver that engages either on requ est or after a specified short period of time. See also Shoulder Surfing. Cookie A small file that is downloaded by some websites to store a packet of informatio n on your browser. Companies and organizations use cookies to remember your login or registration identification, site preferences, pages viewed and online shopping-c art so that the next time you visit a site, your stored information can automatically b e pulled up for you. A cookie is obviously convenient but also presents potential security i ssues. You can configure your browser to alert you whenever a cookie is being sent. You can refuse to accept all cookies or erase all cookies saved on your browser. Credit Card A card indicating the holder has been granted a line of credit. Often sought aft er by

criminals looking for an easy way to purchase things without having to pay for t hem. For this reason and others, a credit card preferable to a debit card for online shop ping since it provides a buffer between buyer and seller, affording more protections to the bu yer in case there is a problem with the order or the card number is compromised. See al so Debit Card. Cyberbullying Sending or posting harmful, cruel, rude or threatening messages, or slanderous information, text or images using the Internet or other digital communication de vices. Debit Card A card linked directly to the holder s bank account, withdrawing money from the account. Not as safe as credit cards for online shopping since if problems arise , the buyer s money has already been spent and is harder to get back. See also Credit Ca rd. Denial of Service Attack The prevention of authorized access to a system resource or the delaying of syst em operations and functions. Often this involves a cyber criminal generating a larg e volume of data requests. See also Flooding. Dictionary Attack A password-cracking attack that tries all of the phrases or words in a dictionar y. See also Brute Force Attack and Hybrid Attack. F C C S M A L L B I Z C Y B E R P L A N N I N G G U I D E CSG-4 Digital Certificate The electronic equivalent of an ID card that establishes your credentials when d oing business or other transactions on the Web. It contains your name, a serial numbe r, expiration dates, a copy of the certificate holder s public key (used for encrypti ng messages and digital signatures) and the digital signature of the certificate-is suing authority so that a recipient can verify that the certificate is real. Domain Hijacking An attack in which an attacker takes over a domain by first blocking access to t he domain s DNS server and then putting his own server up in its place. Domain Name System (DNS) The DNS is the way that Internet domain names are located. A website s domain name is easier to remember than its IP (Internet Protocol) address. Dumpster Diving Recovering files, letters, memos, photographs, IDs, passwords, checks, account statements, credit card offers and more from garbage cans and recycling bins. Th is information can then be used to commit identity theft. Electronic Infections Often called viruses, these malicious programs and codes harm your computer and compromise your privacy. In addition to the traditional viruses, other common ty pes include worms and Trojan horses. They sometimes work in tandem to do maximum damage. See also Blended Threat.

Encryption A data security technique used to protect information from unauthorized inspecti on or alteration. Information is encoded so that it appears as a meaningless string of letters and symbols during delivery or transmission. Upon receipt, the information is decode d using an encryption key. End User License Agreement (EULA) A contract between you and your software s vendor or developer. Many times, the EU LA is presented as a dialog box that appears the first time you open the software a nd forces you to check I accept before you can proceed. Before accepting, though, read throu gh it and make sure you understand and are comfortable with the terms of the agreement . If the software s EULA is hard to understand or you can t find it, beware! Evil Twins A fake wireless Internet hot spot that looks like a legitimate service. When vic tims connect to the wireless network, a hacker can launch a spying attack on their tr ansactions on the Internet, or just ask for credit card information in the standard pay-for -access deal. See also Man-in-the-Middle Attacks. F C C S M A L L B I Z C Y B E R P L A N N I N G G U I D E CSG-5 File-Sharing Programs Sometimes called peer-to-peer (P2P) programs, these allow many different users t o access the same file at the same time. These programs are often used to illegall y upload and download music and other software. Examples include Napster, Grokster, Kazaa , iMesh, Ares and Limewire. Firewall A hardware or software link in a network that inspects all data packets coming a nd going from a computer, permitting only those that are authorized to reach the other si de. Flooding An attack that attempts to cause a failure in the security of a computer by prov iding more input, such as a large volume of data requests, than it can properly process. Se e also Denial of Service Attack. Grooming Using the Internet to manipulate and gain trust of a minor as a first step towar ds the future sexual abuse, production or exposure of that minor. Sometimes involves developing the child s sexual awareness and may take days, weeks, months or in som e cases years to manipulate the minor. Hacker An individual who attempts to break into a computer without authorization. HTTPS When used in the first part of a URL (e.g., http://), this term specifies the us e of hypertext transfer protocol (HTTP) enhanced by a security mechanism such as Secure Socket

Layer (SSL). Always look for the HTTPS on the checkout or order form page when shoppin g online or when logging into a site and providing your username and password. Hybrid Attack Builds on other password-cracking attacks by adding numerals and symbols to dict ionary words. See also Dictionary Attack and Brute Force Attack. Instant Messaging (IM) A service that allows people to send and get messages almost instantly. To send messages using instant messaging you need to download an instant messaging program and kn ow the instant messaging address of another person who uses the same IM program. Se e also Spim. IP (Internet Protocol) Address A computer s inter-network address, written as a series of four 8-bit numbers sepa rated by periods, such as 123.45.678.990. Every website has an IP Address, although fi nding a website is considerably easier to do when using its domain name instead. See als o Domain Name System (DNS). F C C S M A L L B I Z C Y B E R P L A N N I N G G U I D E CSG-6 Internet Service Provider (ISP) A company that provides internet access to customers. Keystroke Logger A specific type of electronic infection that records victims keystrokes and sends them to an attacker. This can be done with either hardware or software. See also Trojan Horse. Malware A generic term for a number of different types of malicious code. See also Adwar e and Spyware. Man-In-the-Middle Attack Posing as an online bank or merchant, a cyber criminal allows a victim to sign i n over a Secure Sockets Layer (SSL) connection. The attacker then logs onto the real serv er using the client s information and steals credit card numbers. Monitoring Software Software products that allow parents to monitor or track the websites or email m essages that a child visits or reads. See also Blacklisting Software and Whitelisting So ftware. Network Two or more computer systems that are grouped together to share information, sof tware and hardware. Operating System (OS) Programs that manage all the basic functions and programs on a computer, such as allocating system resources, providing access and security controls, maintaining file systems and managing communications between end users and hardware devices. Examples include Microsoft s Windows, Apple s Macintosh and Red Hat s Linux. Password

A secret sequence of characters that is used as a means of authentication to con firm your identity in a computer program or online. Password Cracking Password cracking is the process of attempting to guess passwords, given the pas sword file information. See also Brute Force Attacks, Dictionary Attacks and Hybrid Attacks. Password Sniffing Passive wiretapping, usually on a local area network, to gain knowledge of passw ords. F C C S M A L L B I Z C Y B E R P L A N N I N G G U I D E CSG-7 Patch A patch is a small security update released by a software manufacturer to fix bu gs in existing programs. Your computer s software programs and/or operating system may b e configured to check automatically for patches, or you may need to periodically v isit the manufacturers websites to see if there have been any updates. Peer-to-Peer (P2P) Programs See File-Sharing Programs. Phishing Soliciting private information from customers or members of a business, bank or other organization in an attempt to fool them into divulging confidential personal and financial information. People are lured into sharing user names, passwords, account inform ation or credit card numbers, usually by an official-looking message in an email or a pop -up advertisement that urges them to act immediately, usually by clicking on a link provided. See also Vishing. Pharming Redirecting visitors from a real website to a bogus one. A user enters what is b elieved to be a valid Web address and is unknowingly redirected to an illegitimate site tha t steals the user's personal information. On the spoofed site, criminals may mimic real transactions and harvest private information unknowingly shared by users. With t his, the attacker can then access the real website and conduct transactions using the cre dentials of a valid user. Router A hardware device that connects two or more networks and routes incoming data pa ckets to the appropriate network. Many Internet Service Providers (ISPs) provide these devices to their customers, and they often contain firewall protections. Script A file containing active content -- for example, commands or instructions to be executed by the computer. Shoulder Surfing Looking over a person s shoulder to get confidential information. It is an effecti ve way to get information in crowded places because it s relatively easy to stand next to so meone

and watch as they fill out a form, enter a PIN number at an ATM machine or type a password. Can also be done long-distance with the aid of binoculars or other vis ionenhancing devices. To combat it, experts recommend that you shield paperwork or your keypad from view by using your body or cupping your hand. Also, be sure you pass wordprotect your computer screen when you must leave it unattended, and clear yo ur desk at the end of the day. See also Clear Desk Policy and Clear Screen Policy. F C C S M A L L B I Z C Y B E R P L A N N I N G G U I D E CSG-8 Skimming A high-tech method by which thieves capture your personal or account information from your credit card, driver s license or even passport using an electronic device cal led a skimmer. Such devices can be purchased online for under $50. Your card is swiped through the skimmer and the information contained in the magnetic strip on the c ard is then read into and stored on the device or an attached computer. Skimming is predominantly a tactic used to perpetuate credit card fraud, but is also gaining in popularity amongst identity thieves. Social Engineering A euphemism for non-technical or low-technology means such as lies, impersonation, tricks, bribes, blackmail and threats used to attack information systems. Sometime s telemarketers or unethical employees employ such tactics. Social Networking Websites Sites specifically focused on the building and verifying of social networks for whatever purpose. Many social networking services are also blog hosting services. There a re more than 300 known social networking websites, including Facebook, MySpace, Friendst er, Xanga and Blogspot. Such sites enable users to create online profiles and post p ictures and share personal data such as their contact information, hobbies, activities a nd interests. The sites facilitate connecting with other users with similar interests, activit ies and locations. Sites vary in who may view a user s profile some have settings which may be changed so that profiles can be viewed only by friends. See also Blogs. Spam Unwanted, unsolicited email from someone you don t know. Often sent in an attempt to sell you something or get you to reveal personal information. Spim Unwanted, unsolicited instant messages from someone you don t know. Often sent in an attempt to sell you something or get you to reveal personal information. Spoofing Masquerading so that a trusted IP address is used instead of the true IP address . A technique used by hackers as a means of gaining access to a computer system. Spyware Software that uses your Internet connection to send personally identifiable info rmation

about you to a collecting device on the Internet. It is often packaged with soft ware that you download voluntarily, so that even if you remove the downloaded program late r, the spyware may remain. See also Adware and Malware. SSL (Secure Socket Layer) An encryption system that protects the privacy of data exchanged by a website an d the individual user. Used by websites whose URLs begin with https instead of http. F C C S M A L L B I Z C Y B E R P L A N N I N G G U I D E CSG-9 Trojan Horse A computer program that appears to be beneficial or innocuous, but also has a hi dden and potentially malicious function that evades security mechanisms. A keystroke logge r, which records victims keystrokes and sends them to an attacker, or remote-control led zombie computers are examples of the damage that can be done by Trojan horses. See also Electronic Infection. URL Abbreviation for Uniform (or Universal) Resource Locator. A way of specifying the location of publicly available information on the Internet. Also known as a Web address. URL Obfuscation Taking advantage of human error, some scammers use phishing emails to guide recipients to fraudulent sites with names very similar to established sites. The y use a slight misspelling or other subtle difference in the URL, such as monneybank.com instead of moneybank.com to redirect users to share their personal information unknowingly. Virus A hidden, self-replicating section of computer software, usually malicious logic , that propagates by infecting i.e., inserting a copy of itself into and becoming part of -another program. A virus cannot run by itself; it requires that its host program be run to make the virus active. Often sent through email attachments. Also see Electronic Infection and Blended Threat. Vishing Soliciting private information from customers or members of a business, bank or other organization in an attempt to fool them into divulging confidential personal and financial information. People are lured into sharing user names, passwords, account inform ation or credit card numbers, usually by an official-looking message in an email or a pop -up advertisement that urges them to act immediately but in a vishing scam, they are u rged to call the phone number provided rather than clicking on a link. See also Phish ing. Vulnerability A flaw that allows someone to operate a computer system with authorization level s in excess of that which the system owner specifically granted. Whitelisting Software

A form of filtering that only allows connections to a pre-approved list of sites that are considered useful and appropriate for children. Parents sometimes use such softw are to prevent children from visiting all but certain websites. You can add and remove sites from the permitted list. This method is extremely safe, but allows for only extrem ely limited use of the Internet. F C C S M A L L B I Z C Y B E R P L A N N I N G G U I D E CSG-10 Worm Originally an acronym for Write once, read many times, a type of electronic infect ion that can run independently, can propagate a complete working version of itself o nto other hosts on a network, and may consume computer resources destructively. Once this malicious software is on a computer, it scans the network for another machine wi th a specific security vulnerability. When it finds one, it exploits the weakness to copy itself to the new machine, and then the worm starts replicating from there, as well. Se e also Electronic Infection and Blended Threat. Zombie Computer A remote-access Trojan horse installs hidden code that allows your computer to b e controlled remotely. Digital thieves then use robot networks of thousands of zom bie computers to carry out attacks on other people and cover up their tracks. Author ities have a harder time tracing criminals when they go through zombie computers. Sources: National Institute of Standards and Technology: http://csrc.nist.gov/publications/nistir/ir7298-rev1/nistir-7298-revision1.pdf

4SECTION 4 Glossary of Internet Security Terms Adware A form of spyware. Displays the pop-up ads you ve seen on your computer. Advert isers use it to generate online revenue and exposure. Adware installs components that gath er personal information without informing you that it s doing so. Broadband High-speed Internet connection typically offered by cable and phone comp anies. Without adequate Internet security, Broadband users are constantly at risk of online sec urity threats because their computers are always connected to the Internet. Cookies Bits of information secretly stored on your computer allowing others to mo nitor your Internet activities. This spyware is often used to gather information on your Web-surfing habits to help companies create better marketing strategies. However, many send information to online cri minals who would use it to harm you. Firewall Software that sets up a defense barrier around your computer so that hack ers and online criminals cannot access the information on your computer. Hackers Individuals with computer and Internet skill levels sufficient enough to b

reak security settings on personal computers and servers over the Internet. Some hackers do it for recr eation, others for malicious intent. Identity Theft Occurs when a criminal obtains and uses another individual s personal information (social security numbers, financial account information, etc.) to use his or her identity for illegal purposes. They then conduct fraudulent activities in the victim s name. ISP Internet Service Provider. An organization that offers Internet access to cust omers. Phishing A hoax where Internet criminals send out false emails in the name of a le gitimate organization in order to trick victims into sending personal information back to be used in i dentity theft crimes. Spam Unsolicited promotional email. Spyware Dangerous software that collects information about your computer activitie s. It sends that information to others without your knowledge or permission. Once on your compute r, spyware installs itself and starts working. It s difficult to detect, and often impossible for aver age users to remove. Types of spyware include tracking cookies, adware, Trojan Horses, and system monitors. System Monitors Spyware that observes and captures keystrokes of virtually everyth ing you do on your computer including passwords, social security numbers, credit card numbers, e mails and chat room dialogs. It also monitors the Web sites you ve visited, and programs you ve run . They usually run unnoticed, storing the information on your computer in a secret file to be retri eved later. Trojan Horses Spyware that is often disguised as harmless or even desirable programs, but is actually designed to cause loss or theft of computer data and to destroy computer systems. They usually arrive as email attachments or bundled with other software. Some give attackers unrestricted access to your computer anytime you re online, allowing file transfers, adding or deleting of files and programs, and taking control of your mouse and keyboard. Virus A software program written to disrupt computer systems and to destroy data viruses are the most well known Internet security threat. Worms Similar to viruses but much more dangerous. They spread rapidly by accessing your email address book and automatically forwarding themselves to every address it contains. Current anti-virus software can t find worms once they ve been loaded onto your system. Web filtering A software tool that allows computer users to determine which Web content they will allow onto your computer through their browser. 9 Internet

Appendix C? Glossary Selected terms used in the Guide to Malware Incident Prevention and Handling are defined below.

Antivirus Software: A program that monitors a computer or network to identify a ll major types of malware and prevent or contain malware incidents. Backdoor: A malicious program that listens for commands on a certain Transmissi on Control Protocol (TCP) or User Datagram Protocol (UDP) port. Blended Attack: An instance of malware that uses multiple infection or transmis sion methods. Boot Sector Virus: A virus that infects the master boot record (MBR) of a hard drive or the boot sector of removable media, such as floppy diskettes. Compiled Viruses: A virus that has had its source code converted by a compiler program into a format that can be directly executed by an operating system. Cookie: A small data file that holds information regarding the use of a particu lar Web site. Deny by Default: A configuration for a firewall or router that denies all incom ing and outgoing traffic that is not expressly permitted, such as unnecessary se rvices that could be used to spread malware. Disinfecting: Removing malware from within a file. Egress Filtering: Blocking outgoing packets that should not exit a network. False Negative: An instance in which a security tool intended to detect a parti cular threat fails to do so. False Positive: An instance in which a security tool incorrectly classifies ben ign content as malicious. File Infector Virus: A virus that attaches itself to executable programs, such as word processors, spreadsheet applications, and computer games. Host-Based Intrusion Prevention System: A program that monitors the characteris tics of a single host and the events occurring within the host to identify and s top suspicious activity. Indication: A sign that a malware incident may have occurred or may be occurrin g. Ingress Filtering: Blocking incoming packets that should not enter a network. Interpreted Virus: A virus that is composed of source code that can be executed only by a particular application or service. Keystroke Logger: A device that monitors and records keyboard usage. Macro Virus: A virus that attaches itself to application documents, such as wor d processing files and spreadsheets, and uses the application?s macro programmin g language to execute and propagate. Malicious Code: See ?Malware?. C- 1 GUIDE TO MALWARE INCIDENT PREVENTION AND HANDLING Malware: A program that is inserted into a system, usually covertly, with the i ntent of compromising the confidentiality, integrity, or availability of the vic tim?s data, applications, or operating system or of otherwise annoying or disrup ting the victim. Mass Mailing Worm: A worm that spreads by identifying e-mail addresses, often b y searching an infected system, and then sending copies of itself to those addre sses, either using the system?s e-mail client or a self-contained mailer built i nto the worm itself. Memory Resident: A virus that stays in the memory of infected systems for an ex tended period of time. Mobile Code: Software that is transmitted from a remote system to be executed o n a local system, typically without the user?s explicit instruction. Multipartite Virus: A virus that uses multiple infection methods, typically inf ecting both files and boot sectors. Network Service Worm: A worm that spreads by taking advantage of a vulnerabilit y in a network service associated with an operating system or an application. Network-Based Intrusion Prevention System: A program that performs packet sniff ing and analyzes network traffic to identify and stop suspicious activity. Obfuscation Technique: A way of constructing a virus to make it more difficult to detect. On-Access Scanning: Configuring a security tool to perform real-time scans of ea ch file for malware as the file is downloaded, opened, or executed. On-Demand Scanning: Allowing users to launch security tool scans for malware on

a computer as desired. Payload: The portion of a virus that contains the code for the virus?s objectiv e, which may range from the relatively benign (e.g., annoying people, stating pe rsonal opinions) to the highly malicious (e.g., forwarding personal information to others, wiping out systems). Persistent Cookie: A cookie stored on a computer indefinitely so that a Web sit e can identify the user during subsequent visits. Phishing: Tricking individuals into disclosing sensitive personal information t hrough deceptive computer-based means. Precursor: A sign that a malware attack may occur in the future. Proxy: A program that receives a request from a client, and then sends a reques t on the client?s behalf to the desired destination. Quarantining: Storing files containing malware in isolation for future disinfec tion or examination. Remote Administration Tool: A program installed on a system that allows remote attackers to gain access to the system as needed. Rootkit: A collection of files that is installed on a system to alter the stand ard functionality of the system in a malicious and stealthy way. C- 2 GUIDE TO MALWARE INCIDENT PREVENTION AND HANDLING Session Cookie: A temporary cookie that is valid only for a single Web site ses sion. Signature: A set of characteristics of known malware instances that can be used to identify known malware and some new variants of known malware. Spyware: Malware intended to violate a user?s privacy. Spyware Detection and Removal Utility: A program that monitors a computer to id entify spyware and prevent or contain spyware incidents. Tracking Cookie: A cookie placed on a user?s computer to track the user?s activ ity on different Web sites, creating a detailed profile of the user?s behavior. Trigger: A condition that causes a virus payload to be executed, usually occurr ing through user interaction (e.g., opening a file, running a program, clicking on an e-mail file attachment). Trojan Horse: A non-replicating program that appears to be benign but actually has a hidden malicious purpose. Virus: A form of malware that is designed to self-replicate?make copies of itse lf?and distribute the copies to other files, programs, or computers. Web Browser Plug-In: A mechanism for displaying or executing certain types of c ontent through a Web browser. Web Bug: A tiny graphic on a Web site that is referenced within the Hypertext M arkup Language (HTML) content of a Web page or e-mail to collect information abo ut the user viewing the HTML content. Worm: A self-replicating program that is completely self-contained and self-pro pagating. Zombie: A program that is installed on a system to cause it to attack other sys tems. C-