Monday 18/8/03 Melbourne (9.

30am) → Charlton (ptrl & hmbrgr @ Lous; 4 the 1st time Maria woznt
here bcoz she woz vsting her kids in Melbourne) → Underbool (2 stubbies) → Mittyack (20 mnute
powr nap by the silos; found a crockery t cup rimmd with a flowr dsign 4 H) → Danyo reserve (c ‘June
28/29’ p20) wher me & H campd on the last night of the previous trip. Nothing has changed here,
honey, in the ntervning 7 weeks. I suppose its bn 2 cold 4 the grass 2 grow & the ground is dry. Im
buggrd bcoz I ddnt sleep last night. I woz teeming with ideas whch now I cant b bothrd writing down.
@ 2.30am I had heard noises & got up 2 find Ben had arrived 2 use the washing machine he said but
more likely 2 leave their house mpty 4 Joe 2 do his casanova bit wth 1 of his new grlfriends after he
knocks off work @ the pub in the middle of the night. Then @ 6am Kate rang from Sydney wher she
had just arrived by bus 2 get my mums fone number. Ystrday I woz eating kugelis (made by Bronia,
Odrone etc; 4 the recipe c ‘3/6/03 –12/6/03’ p7) washed down with lambrusco (pourd by Ruta) @ litho
house in Errol st Nth Melb & now Im drnking a glass of Fruit Ballad Lavender & Apple dessert wine in
a p@ch of scrub in the middle of nowher. Im a wreck. Its getting dark. I can hear a very persistent
cuckoo calling. 7.38pm. Cold. Tuesday 19/8/03. 8.40am. I was awake 4 much of the night again. Its
as if a switch was thrown on sunday & now Im agitated. I worry about the kids. If I didnt discipline
myself Id be worrying about them all the time. Or maybe its a cyclical thing. When I did finally fall
asleep I was soon woken because it got so cold. Whenever I touched against the side of the van it
was penetrating through the sleeping bag. I was cupping the point of me shoulder with me free hand
(What were you doing with your non-free hand? Helenz 30/8/03.) 2 stop it chilling. There is a
thick layer of frost on the front of the window (facing away from the morning sun) still. My agitations
translate themselves in2 issues about writing bcause I know th@ success in saying what I want 2
dispels them. Ive decided 2 cut back on the fone text style though. Excessive tinkering with individual
words is slowing me down too much & makes the typing difficult 4 H. It constipated the xpression. The
xperiment was fun & worthwhile if only 2 find th@ the 4m wasnt natural 2 me. u find out by doing it. @
a meeting of the concrete/visual poets Tony Figallo once talked about breaking away from “linear”
writing & Id like 2 but its got me in its grip. As if Im meant 2 b there. What Id like 2 do is make the
sentences less sequential or if connected then by some other less rigid method (eg by association or
sound) so I could jump about from topic 2 topic more freely & the whole flow in a more amorphous
continuous way, like water over rocks. It would make it more like I am. (A few days ago when Lance
Morton sold me a pair of sandals 4 $125 th@ he normally sells 4 $175 he said “Yester-day is
history/tomorrow is a mystery/today is a gift/& that’s why its called the present”. One of his customers
is Ray Parkin who lives in the locality & was a friend of Weary Dunlop. On the Burma railway they
used 2 exchange their sketches & writing so if only 1 survived the others work would also b saved.
Recently his manuscript on captain cooks explorations in the Endeavour was discovered & published
by John Clarke. Hes writing a book on the meaning of life. Hes 93. When Lance asked him what his
secret is he said “ I live today like Im going to die tomorrow” (so he should @ th@ age)). Making
phlosophical statements about (a very large hare lolloped by) direct experience (knowledge) is
problematic & the temptation is 2 overreach (3/9/03. I have poked fun @ Neitzsche (c ‘June 28/29’
p14) 4 saying I am god I am god (Vaslav Nijinsky also said it) after he went mad but I do it with the
observation th@ when a whole society acts in a godlike manner its members, secured by righteous-
ness, fail 2 c the funny side). We forget th@ our perceptions r interpreted by the words we assign 2
them & r given meaning only when others join us in accepting our language. A couple of days ago I
read a book by Chris Hedges (© First Anchor Books Edition, June 2003. ISBN 1400034639) called
‘War Is A Force That Gives Us Meaning’. He has reported on the majority of recent conflicts & writes
with passion how war intoxicates & distorts our perspectives (& how politicians use th@.) I think it
does it because in war we join with others which is the basis of the 4mation of all meaning. (Elias
Canetti writes well about it in ‘Crowds and Power’). The experiences of an isolated individual mean
nothing b4 they r shared. Since the last trip Ive also read ‘Neitzsche and the Vicious Circle’ by Pierre
Klossowski (© ISBN 1226443876 (paperback) (printed on acid-free paper)). Nietzsche thought his
experience @ Sils Maria of what he termed “the eternal return” would change the course of history.
But the language he used 2 give expression 2 it was incoherent so it was never shared. Even George

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Luis Borges couldnt understand what he was trying 2 say. Pierre Klossowskis explanations r equally
incoherent. The requirement th@ if it is 2 have meaning language has 2 b accepted & understood is
salutary. I cannot think of a better example 2 illustrate the classical greek notion of hubris than the
story of the last day in the life of jesus of nazareth who in the morning claimed he would b seated @
the right hand of power & in the evening wailed “oh god, oh god, (28/8/03. for how would he know it
was god?) why have you forsaken me?” (a rufous whstler (cant give u the latin name coz I forgot the
bird book) is chirruping in the calitris pine next 2 me) … Danyo reserve via Pinnaroo (the fruit inspect-
ion booth wasnt manned) → Loxton (where the wild gazanias along the roadsides r in full bloom; got
petrol & fruit) → Waikerie (the ferry across the Murray had a patriotic flag up) → Morgan (stubbies) →
usual spot 20ks short of Burra (just spilt some Coopers stout on the journal). Im dispensing with
detailed track notes as Im on a route Ive described many times. Its 4.50 & a fine day with a very chilly
wind. My readers (my mum reads it) know that 2day is Bill Clintons birthday. He might b reminiscing
on Monicas thong. Its also my birthday. Mum sent a present, a book ‘Berlin : The Downfall, 1945’ by
Antony Beevor, Penguin 2003. We were in germany then & she took a train trip 2 prussia 2 reunite
with my father just as everyone else was fleeing west. Ive read about 1/3 of it but left it in Melbourne.
Im 62 & I cant sleep on my back because of apnea & now its beginning 2 affect me when I sleep on
me left side. Sometimes I sleep with me mouth open & dribble. I dribble & drivel elsewhere too. Algis
Karazija was telling me @ litho house he has a Peter Pan syndrome. He feels like a 25 year old. He
thinks hes about 2 score a job as the organizer of the Vilnius jazz festival. I feel old & its as if Ive used
up my credits. Ive got a temporary crown which I hope wont fall out during the trip. (“Uneasy lies
the head that wears the crown”. helenz 30/8/03). Ive got 2 b back in Melbourne on the 1st
tuesday of next month 4 the replacement (3/9/03. but Walker botched the mould & has done another
one 4 free). I told Bronia (who has the reputation of making the best kugelis in Melbourne (but not as
big a reputation as the litho consul in Sydney, whose name is Sliteris. But Ive eaten kugelis x Sliteris
& I reckon Bronias is better. In fact Ive eaten kugelis (all meals $6) the last 3 sun-days Ive been @
litho house)), whos husband Arunas (who died from cancer (as my father did) & whose father knew
my father from their airforce days in their youth in litho) is the only namesake I knew in the community
th@ he told me when he put in the original crown they have an average life of 7 years & I think thats
about how long ago he put it in. There r people in Melbourne of litho back-ground who go 2 litho 2 get
their teeth fixed @ ½ the price, pay their airfare & have a holiday with the money they save. Identity is
an issue 4 me @ the moment as Im in the process of getting an ozzie passport so I can use it 2 get a
litho passport (2/9/03. all fixed & paid up this morning & I should have litho citizenship & the passport
by end of year & Collingwoods in the finals 2) so I can use it 2 get litho passports 4 me kids (2/9/03.
just a 4mality 4 them now – about $150 each) so when litholand joins the EU next year they can
travel 2 litho (dont need a visa from oz) with an ozzie passport & then use the litho 1 2 travel or work
in europe without the hassle of having 2 get visas or work permits. I think I would be negligent if I
didnt do it as during the last war having the papers whch allowed u 2 travel was often the difference
between life and death & difficult times can come again (they will). I put in this info on my ID 4 the
benefit of me kids should they read my pieces which I give them. I have called myself JOHN
ARUNAS ZIZYS since I was 18 except on my drivers licence where my surname is still spelt ZIZIS
which is how my father often spelt it. On my fathers litho passport issued in 1930 his name is entered
as Vitoldas Simeonas ZIZYS but he has signed his name under the ID foto as ZIZIS. My mothers
marriage certificate says she married a ZIZIS & that his father, my grandfather, was 1 too. My fathers
naturalization certificate, issued in 1954 in Northcote, has his name as Simonas ZIZIS & in the
associated documentation he entered my name as ARUNAS ZIZIS. I had 2 fill out a form called Form
119 (witnessed by Dr. John Alfred Wall who has known me 4 30 years) & provide heaps of docos 2 a
helpful girl on the ground floor of the immigration building on the corner of Spring & Lonsdale st 2
convince her that JOHN ARUNAS ZIZYS is the same as ARUNAS ZIZIS & Ive been here 53 years &
had 5 kids called ZIZYS. I gave her a statutory declaration (witnessed by John Wall) stating that in
litho the ‘i’ & the ‘y’ r almost the same sound, the ‘y’ being simply a stressed or pro-longed ‘i’. A couple
of weeks ago I received by registered mail a magnificent certificate of Evidence of Australian
Citizenship, no. 01555501030, where it says my name is ARUNAS ZIZIS born on the 19th August
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1941. It states further th@ “I, the Minister of Citizenship and Multicultural Affairs, hereby declare that
the abovenamed is an Australian citizen and that citizenship was acquired on 1st January 1954”
(Dated 24th July, 2003) (Was it signed by Phillip Ruddock? I don’t want to be associated with
anyone who has been officially recognised by Phil the Grim Reaper. As it is I seem to be
married to some bloke called John Zizys who may not exist. Does that make me a
bigamist, a widow, a fraud or a spinster of this parish? helenz 30/8/03). I had 2 get this
doco 2 use in my oz passport application because my litho birth certificate where it calls me ARUNAS
JONAS only gives my family name in plural as son of ZIZIAI. Anyway when I took my passport
application 2 the 13th floor of the same building with my newly acquired certificate the gentleman
behind the counter said I had answered question 4 incor-rectly. This is the question which asks u 2
give your current name 2 which I had written JOHN ARUNAS ZIZYS. He said there woz no evidence
of me being a JOHN (though later he accepted $155 from my bankcard in th@ name) & he also
changed the ‘y’ in2 an ’i’ as I looked on in astonishment. It became evident 2 me th@ from his
perspective I existed only as a bureaucratic entity & th@ 44 years of calling myself JOHN ARUNAS
ZIZYS meant nothing 2 him. In the end we got over the problem by me signing a form saying that my
name had been changed by accepted usage (he said I was lucky I got it done b4 september 1st as
from then its going 2 b a more complicated procedure 2 deter terror-ists getting passports in false
names) & he promised that the passport (which will have arrived by my return 2 Melbourne) will be in
my name as I & everyone else knows it : JOHN ARUNAS ZIZYS. 2 complicate matters (I say this 4
my kids) ozzies have always known me as JOHN & ozzies of litho background have always known
me as ARUNAS. My father was always called SIMON by ozzies & VYTAUTAS (Montaigne says
VYTOLD) by lithos. He was born in tsarist days. Under the tsars (from the latin ‘caesar’ (as is also the
german ‘kaiser’)) litholand was administered on their bhalf by the polish administration but by the time
my dad was born the russians were promoting a lithuanian speaking educated class 2 counter polish
influence. I am doing this for the benefit of me kids (You’ve said that already, probably twice –
methinks you are protesting too much. helenz 30/8/03) who when they get litho citizenship
will be able 2 vote in their elections (they set up a voting booth @ litho house in Errol st for the last
ones) though they dont even know where the country is. I have a further piece of info about my
origins told me by my father. Its the only thing I remember as I was too busy being a teenager 2 pay
attention 2 him when he talked about his past just as he was (he told me) too busy 2 listen much 2 his
father (who was an eccentric who spent the latter part of his life travelling by horse drawn cart making
unwelcome visits 2 his relatives being interested & well informed on the history of family members of
whom there werent very many. He lived from the proceeds of selling rush brooms that he made
himself & also received a small pension from the government 4 having been a book smuggler
(knygnesys) in the days under the tsars when books in litho were banned. He was a teller of yarns &
not particularly welcome on unexpected returns 2 his home village where he did things like nail up a
door & cut out a new 1 while everyone was away in the fields. When he came 2 Panemune in Kaunas
4 my mother & fathers wedding the family woke 2 the sound of a tree being sawn down that had been
planted @ my mums birth. He said he was cutting it down 2 mark her new beginning (there is still a
tree there th@ was planted when I was born). Late in life after the 2nd war, he was declared ‘an
enemy of the people’ by the soviet authorities & his 12 hectare property confiscated). My father said
th@ his father said th@ the family name is of relatively recent origin having been started by a
traveller who settled. The traveller was known as an ‘ungaras’ (in litho) which indicates he may have
come from hungary. By my fathers day ½ the people in his village were of the same family name &
some in a couple of neighbouring villages. They were loosely divided into 2 branches, the ‘talls’ & the
‘shorts’ but there was no discernable difference in their heights. The original ‘ungaras’ may have been
a gypsy or a tinker or anyone else who travels. When I told the story some years ago 2 a litho
intellectual (oxymoron), a recent immig-rant, he ridiculed it saying it couldnt be true as ‘ungaras’ is
obviously derived from the english ‘hung-arian’ whereas the litho word for hungarian is ‘vengras’. Last
week it occurred 2 me 2 wonder where the english word comes from so I looked up the Oxford
dictionary & I find that the medieval latin 4 hungary is hungaria & th@ throughout europe the magyars
were known as ungari, ungri, ugri, ungarn etc. It is obvious 2 me that the constant letters r ‘u’, ‘n’, ‘g’,
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& ‘r’ & that the litho word ‘vengras’ is also the same word with the ‘u’ having evolved into a ‘v’. My
dads story has gained credibility as it is likely that his ‘ungaras’ is an older version of what in modern
times became ‘vengras’ in litho. My mothers family name is KABAILA & is said 2 b of tartar origin
(tartars r asians in litholand but in sweden tortor refers 2 gypsies). There is a story that it was adopted
from the female side of the family as a security measure 2 safeguard them from government reprisals
after the 1905 peasant uprising in russia. The past slips away! Good luck kids. Oh yes, a couple more
items. I think me & my kids r the only ones of that surname in australia & there r none of us in the
fone book as my home number is silent. The greek shoemaker in Ivanhoe once insisted my surname
was greek even though I assured him I knew who I was. Greeks can be like that. Fact is its no more
greek than the Bocadillo bar in Brunswick st is spanish. 6.00pm. Wednesday 20/8/03. 8.20am. Last
night I was wearing my woolly socks, t-shirt, flanno, a polyester cap over the no. 2 haircut I had on
sunday, & an xtra blanket over the sleeping bag. Iv got the fingerless gloves on now which makes
writing awkward. When I was snug in bed I remembered I had left out the most important thing in the
story of the family name – no one who doesnt speak litho pronounces it correctly. In the original the z
is written with a little v over it 2 indicate it is pronounced differently 2 a normal z as in zero. U say a
regular z with the tip of your tongue @ the back of your teeth (Max, the final part of whos sons bar
mitzvah I was @ on sunday 1/8/03 calls me zeezee; Brian, Zorca (a czech poet) & Johnny were also
there). The zs in my name r pronounced like the g in the name of the french writer Andre Gide or the
french name Gigi. When the sound (made with the tip of the tongue curled up 2 touch the roof of your
mouth) occurs in a russian name the english usually indicate it in translation with an h after the z as
eg in Marshal Zhukov or Doctor Zhiv-ago. I am making these xplanations 4 the benefit of posterity
should I ever have any grandkids (the composer Johann Sebastian Bach had 18 kids & his line died
out in a couple of generations ie there is no one who can claim 2 b a legitimate descendant. What r
the odds against th@ ?) who want 2 pronounce it in the original as none of my kids do or even know
what it is. 2 say it right say Gigi with the 2nd syllable accented (ie stressed, prolonged) & add s. If your
only language is english you cant do it with comfort or not at all. Thats what we discovered when we
arrived here in the 1st major post-war migration in 1949. No amount of coaching could get a
linguistically challenged ozzie anywhere near it. (This from a man who pronounces ‘thongs’ as
‘tongs’ – helenz 30/8/03). So we changed the pronuciation 2 the very ugly sounding Zeeshus
which I give in response 2 the most frequently asked questions which I have had 2 face in life which r
“how do you pronounce that?” & “is th@ how you say it?” My nicknames @ 1 school were zigzag &
zed @ another. If I were 2 change me name by deed poll Id change 2 the single letter z … Camping
spot (where the vegetation down the centre of the access track is growing fast & was brushing hard
against the bottom of the van. Might not b able 2 get in next time) → Burra (where I checked the
message bank on the mobile on which H had left a happy birthday song; bought a litre of metho 4 the
trangia) → Hallet (the camels r still in the paddock next 2 the highway) → Jamestown (where a shop
front on the main st displays the words in 2 ft high signwriting on the inside of the window : COME,
HOLY GHOST, COME) → Wirrabara (read the paper while drinking a jug of plunger coffee (3 cups) &
eating a steak & kidney pie) → Port Ger-mein (where its gloomy, cold & windy; the outlook is 4 more
of it & rain 4 days ahead which may 4ce me 2 change my plans). I owe Lance Morton an xplanation
as I had told him when I bought the sandals (12/8/03) th@ Id probably b spending my birthday @ the
spot he had recommended in the Strathbogie ranges off the Merton-Ancona rd about 15ks north east
of Merton. Apparently its a pearl-er & the minor track u use 2 get there is not shown in my VicRoads
Country Directory but Lance had provided me with a fotocopy of the area from a more detailed map &
even attached a couple of fotos he had scanned on his computer which he had taken of it. Th@ was
on top of having given the $50 cut on the shoes. What happened, mate, was th@ when I saw the
weather map I changed me plans thinking Id get north of the weather & now Im worse off than if Id
remained in Vic. I feel guilty coz I noticed th@ Lance had spotted I was wearing a new pair of shoes
which I had bought from his competition. These r Naot brand shoes with a cork insole which I find
particularly comfy & the only other shop I know th@ stocks them is a small shop in Acland st in St
Kilda. Lance is often away from his Ivanhoe shop (he has another 1 in Kew) & I was in St Kilda
anyway when I needed the replace-ment pair so I rode past the Sheherazade café (used as a title for
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a book currently on the shelves by a writer with the same initials as me (Arnold Zable)) which was
boarded up as the front plate glass was smashed (28/7/03) 2 the shoe shop nearby which was in a
state of disorder sorting out a new delivery of stock. The 3rd pair of shoes I tried felt pretty good &
when Id given them a thorough test & had decided 2 buy them the lady in the shop said well what do
you think & I said these r good & she said Ill give u a reduction on them. I knew they were being sold
4 $200/pair 4 a couple of years now & I said how much & she said u can have them 4 $150. I wasnt
going 2 argue with a 25% reduction & took them. Then as she was putting them back in the box she
said where do u originate from & I said I was born in lithuania & she said so was she. Th@ xplained
why she had given me the cut it seemed except it was happening in the wrong order : 1st I indicate Ill
take the shoes, then she gives me a re-duction, then she tells me why. (& I have since mused th@
mayb everything is in reverse : we started out as nothing, a single dot which xploded, & now we r
being scattered ever more widely. & mayb evolution isnt a growing but a process of entropy, a winding
down, always approaching towards a final cold stillness in a static universe. & mayb awareness, the
holding 2gether of different, discordant pieces (sensations), is an attempt 2 retain a long lost & ever
diminishing cohesion) (Are you re-lated to Woody Allen, by any chance? helenz 30/8/03) As I
said matters of identity have been an issue 4 me recently bcoz of my decision 2 get the litho
passports 4 the kids & over the weeks since the trip with H Ive been in one of those domains
(moods?) where things tend 2 get con-nected (George Luis Borges describes the phenomenon
excellently in his story ‘The Zahir’ & a few weeks ago I read a humdinger of a story by Paul Auster in
Granta (the Magazine of New Writing) no. 71 titled ‘It Don’t Mean A Thing’ about ‘coincidences’ of the
kind I often write about. & Id like 2 say 2 Paul that if u really mean it (which I dont think is the case) u r
being just as assertive & presumptuous as those who say it means something. I hold a 3rd position 2
the polarized opinions above & say I dont know what it means (though I have my suspicions) & I cant
xplain it & Im inclined 2 accept the not knowing) so it didnt surprise me when she said she was born
in a small town near Vilnius whose name Ive forgotten. She said she was born when Vilnius was still
part of poland so she has 2 b @ least a year older than me. As it happens a few days earlier (23/7/03)
I had visited Frank Lovece 2 drink his dads delicious home made wine (“must be from shiraz grapes”)
& eat his home made savoury snags & 2 pick up 82 pages of writing titled ‘Conversations with Lev
Shestov’ by Benjamin Fondane th@ Marcus, a friend of Frank, had pulled off the internet
http://www.angelfire com/nb
/shestov/fon/fondane-full.html 07/7/03 & I also picked up a couple of cassettes of music th@ Alec
Drummond had given Frank 2 pass on 2 me. Most of the music consisted of songs sung in yiddish by
a contemporary group in New York & a group called the Vilna choir that was singing in the 60s in
israel. 3 of the songs were different versions of the same beautiful song about Vilnius (Alec says
Vilna, the lady in the shop says Vilno) called Vilne Vilne. Because I had been very moved (21/8/03.
Bcoz its all gone. Ive read an account of the last day of an xecution squad which moved west as the
russian front approached. With the front only hours away the 300 or so men of the unit changed in2
civilian clothes & scattered, most going west some returning east crossing the soviet lines back in2
lithuania. Of those th@ went back some 25 or so were later identified & sentenced 2 various terms in
siberia by the new soviet authority.) (You are unhealthily obsessed by all that stuff - it wasn’t
your fault or responsibility and you should let it go. I dont know a lot, but I do know
there is absolutely no such thing as inherited guilt or genetic blame or some sort of
ethnic culpability – helenz 30/8/03) by the songs over the previous days I heard her story with a
sense of the particular familiarity th@ I get when I xperience the ‘small world’ domain. She told me
how her family had been so dislocated by large events during the war th@ she knew hardly anything
about her relatives. She had ended up in Gdansk (where Solidarity was born) & from there came 2
australia in the 60s because she knew she had a relative in Melbourne. Only after she got here she
discovered from her Melbourne relative th@ she had @ least 2 relatives in poland of whom 1 was a
radio announcer. She told me the family names of relatives about which she knew little & would have
liked 2 find out whether they were jewish or polish but I didnt know except th@ they didnt sound
polish. When her face quivered as if she was going 2 cry I distracted her bcoz I feel inadequate in

5
those situations by suggesting she access the family tree program on the computers @ the
Immigration Museum in Flinders st which u can do 4 free. But she didnt know how 2 use a computer
& she hadnt heard of the museum. She said everything is gone (her family had been rich) & things go
in circles & u keep coming 2 a dead end. On th@ note I left suggesting she get someone 2 check out
the names @ the museum as H had found even our name there despite its rarity (of an immigrant in2
New York). Thats the story of my new shoes, Lance, & what contributes 2 my feelings of guilt is that I
knew when I told u of the reduction I was being strateg-ic bcoz how could u not give me a good cut
having just heard of the 1 she gave. I did it on automatic (that proves youre related to Woody
Allen – helenz 30/8/03) & I know very well th@ u insist on me taking a reduction anyway. (Its been
raining the whole time Ive been writing & everything in northern SA thats off the bitumen is turning in2
mud.) … 6.35. Its still raining. Rang home. Dan an-swered as H was visiting Vi. Hes got his interview
@ the US consulate tomorrow. Hoping 2 get some work during fashion week. Ben was over last night
avoiding a Joe & Tony party. Hes fine Dan reck-ons. I am hoping I dont have 2 get out of the van 4 a
crap 2night. Bit concerned about the wind : hope the pop-top can handle it. Will continue the story
2morrow. Thursday 21/8/03. Slept well. The sound of showers on the roof & the buffeting of the van
by the wind contributed. This morning the sun is out but the wind is cold. The tide is 3/4s in. The radio
says farmers & graziers r keenly anticipating the next band of rain which the bureau says should drop
about an inch (& up 2 60 mls in the ranges) of rain in northern parts some of which (as me & H noted
on our last trip c ‘June 28/29’ p9-10) need it badly. Drove 2 the toilet block in the town 2 wash me
hands & face & brush me teeth. A sign has been put up in the foreshore car park across the road
saying NO OVERNIGHT CAMPING DAY USE ONLY (CAMPGROUND 200 M → ). Modernity is
catching up with Port Germein. I return 2 the minor doings of insignificant people in the inner suburbs
of Melbourne & the information I provide is of no use even 2 enthusiasts of trivial pursuit. The reason
Frank L was so excited about the Banjamin Fon-dane interviews with Shestov & wanted me 2 read
them was because Fondane had made important contributions in many areas of exploratory art but
especially in avant-garde film & poetry & had been of heroic stature 4 Frank & his circle in their youth
whereas Lev Shestov was an author I had recently been infatuated with (Frank had given me a
present of a Shestov book hed found in a 2nd hand book shop). But I had never heard of Fondane &
Frank hadnt known that Fondane had any connection with Shestov. So here we r, me & Frank, pretty
good mates, discover th@ 2 authors we have independ-ently admired were themselves good friends
& more. 4 it turns out th@ Fondane was a disciple, his only disciple, of the much older Shestov & had
bcome a phlosopher of minor note in order 2 please his master who 4 awhile was developing a
reputation with some in europe (eg Malraux) as the next mystic following in the tradition set by
Nietzsche & Dostoievski. I repeat my observation th@ as a philosopher Shestov is incoherent (5/9/03.
if u say the impossible is possible, or wine can b blood, or death is eternal life u violate the way words
have gained the meanings with which we have negotiated our world (in early christendom a bishop of
Rome had 2 warn the faithful against the fashion 4 martyr-dom as it was getting out of hand as
christians were queuing up 2 get an early entry into the next life; it may b suicide bombers r similarly
confused) but should u agree 2 misuse them only in specially designated (eg religious) restricted
circumstances (subsets of usage; mythos/logos distinction) then u take away the significance of
accepting the contradictions bcoz it is easy 2 use words meaninglessly. Some choose 2 abdicate
responsibility 4 comparing their experiences with those of their neighbours in the quest 4 meaning by
delegating the task 2 a priestly caste or other groups who r only too willing 2 promote the misuses so
as 2 encourage the transfer of authority involved) & his best writing is literary criticism. Th@ a person
of such wide ranging talents as Fondane already successful in a variety of careers including as a
literary critic himself should choose the humble role of disciple 2 an ageing Shestov has further
enhanced Fondanes reputation in Franks eyes. I have a different reaction. Fondane was in
attendance @ Shestovs death but didnt reach old age himself. When he was in Auschwitz he was
given an opportunity 2 get out through the intervention of his important literary connections but was
not prepared 2 take advantage of the offer unless it included his sister who was also there. She was
not allowed 2 leave so he remained with her 2 his death. If he had been a roman catholic people
would have prayed 2 him 4 intercession 2 cure their illnesses, spontaneous remis-sions would have
6
been reported as miracles (but I must say it is as obvious 2 me th@ whereas those who believe in
miracles will find evidence of them even if they dont happen those who disbelieve will never find
evidence of them though they happen b4 their very noses), submissions would have been made 2
church bodies & the pope might have considered nominating him 4 canonization. Fondanes final
choice has raised him far above Shestov in my estimation & his discipleship had made me won-der
what it was about Lev Shestov th@ I have overlooked. When I arrived @ Franks I had brought with
me an invitation 2 the opening of an exhibition of concrete/visual poetry (July 31-August 3 @ the
Gabriel Gallery @ the Footscray Community Arts Centre) by a group called AXLE I sometimes refer 2
in my pieces as ‘the poets’ or ‘the tuesday poets’. Here is a bit of info about them from part of a blurb
inside the brochure written by Peter Murphy : “AXLE began in 1994. On seeing the work of various
concrete/visual poets in the tribute which πo organized to celebrate the life and work of Jas. H. Duke,
Tony Figallo was keen that these and other such poets should meet on a regular basis to see each
others work and discuss matters of common interest. He sent out invitations which led to the first get-
together of AXLE members at Fruscolino Café in East Richmond. Since then we have been meeting
on the first Tuesday of the month. Over several years, AXLE, a ‘monthly newsletter for concrete,
visual, action and sound poetries’ published a range of work by members and other concrete/visual
poets, both local and international. It also included articles and reflections on concrete/visual poetry,
notes about discussions at meetings and details about mail art exhibitions and publications.” I sug-
gested th@ Frank , who lives in Footscray, take a look @ the exhibition since there were works there
by people he knew & it was close by but he didnt even bother 2 glance inside the invite & said hed
lost interest in concrete/visual poetry long ago. He showed me some work hed done as a youth & it
was good. I dont think AXLE has a contribution 2 make 2 him. Basically were a group of old duffers.
Our purpose is 2 provide each other with a bit of talk & company (& it mightnt last as Tony spat the
dummy last meeting & reckons he might leave). Frank had a bit of a complaint about Tony whom I
didnt know he knew as Tony had used a foto as a cover of Frank & friends doing a ‘sound poetry’
performance without bothering 2 mention who was in it while laying claim 2 the foto (Tony is in2 ©).
These r minor doings in small worlds but what interests me is how they r all connected because as
Frank was talking about the foto I was holding the invite in my hand with the blurb inside (which he
hadnt seen) about the Jas H. Duke tribute 9 years ago @ which it was taken. But I only realized th@
a couple of weeks later when I caught up with Kate 2 mark her birthday 4 a meal of kugelis @ litho
house (on 10/8/03) b4 heading off 2 the bar mitzvah of Maxs son Bruce (31/8/03. this is what I would
have said “now th@ youre 13 & have bcome an adult & old enough 2 pick & choose what 2 imitate
about your parents let me tell u that I have known your dad 4 a long time & though he works in a
place where there is a big tradition of whingeing I have never heard him whinge even once. Also I
have never heard your old man say a single bad word about any1. In fact Brian here told me just a
little while ago th@ a guy we all knew, Arthur Rushby, once said th@ if u tried 2 teach Max 2 b mean
2 some1 he wouldnt know how. I know there have been hard things in your dads life but in the work-
place he is always making people around him cheerier & jollying them along. U couldnt do yourself a
bigger favour when u start work now th@ youre grown up than imitate his example”). The kugelis was
cooked by Mykolas & Lelija Kozlovskis & it was terrific, just as tasty as Bronias last sunday. Later I
told Mykolas it seemed 2 me though I dont understand yiddish th@ 1 of the songs I was listening 2 by
the Vilna choir of israel was about spuds & kugelis but I wasnt sure so I said Id bring the cassettes
Alec had given me the following sunday (17/8/03) 4 him 2 have a listen 2.I had been trying 2 find out
& had even asked Theo Black when I met him in the vic market (3/8/03) 4 only the 2nd time in 30
years. As we were shaking hands Theo didnt recognize me until I introduced meself. I gave him my 2
previous pieces & told him th@ I had mentioned his former wife Rita (Gawenda → Rubens → Black)
in a story I wrote @ the start of last year titled ‘The Hat’ (c p4). He said she died 5 years ago from
cancer. It was a shock. I mention it because a couple of people (Bill Sinclair; Cathy Smith (formerly
Ward)) who get my stuff were probably taught HSC literature by her @ Merrilands HS. Theo told me a
meaning 4 kugelis but he got it wrong as it turned out. Alec told me later that it means potato cake (ie
the kugelis Ive been eating on sundays) & the song is about eating spuds every day. Spuds r even
bigger in east europe than in ireland. No doubt Mykolas will confirm Alecs version next I c him when
7
there is an even money chance Ill b eating kugelis again (& loving it) (2 b continued) …(done a 70k
round trip 2 Wirrabara 2 read the papers with the help of a jug from which I got 4 cups of extremely
strong plunger coffee & I also had a steak & pepper pie; dont know if I mentioned last time th@ the
town roads r in the process of being asphalted & whether Ive mentioned th@ there is a primary
school here; Im back on the shore north of the town @ the spot where beach meets mangrove) ….
During the lunch with Kate I gave her the invite 2 the AXLE exhibition suggesting she might enjoy a
visit 2 a free event. I must stress th@ me & Kate do not mix in the same circles (being father & dau-
ghter) except th@ we both know Frank & Marissa independently & have never met unexpectedly @ a
social gathering. Kate glanced @ the list of names of exhibitors on the inside page of the brochure &
remarked that 1 of them, Danny Moynihan, had been a teachers of hers @ art school @ RMIT. He
was good too, she said, sticking 2 practical method instead of the airy fairy conceptual stuff many of
her teachers were in2. Danny gets my stuff! Then it transpired she had been @ the Jas H. Duke
tribute 9 years ago. She remembered πo asking her where I had disappeared 2 as I hadnt been on
the scene 4 years. She reminded me of a story about how I had thrown πo down a set of stairs @ the
end of a poetry reading. I was very flattered the story had changed in her memory as the way I had
been told it was he who had thrown me down the stairs bcoz I was drunk & disorderly. I only remem-
ber the start of the reading as I must have had an alcoholic black out by the end of the night (those
were the days; “now the days of youth have fled / and grey hairs are on my head” – Blake, I think).
Then she said Frank L & friends had been @ the tribute doing their sound poetry stuff – th@s when I
realized the foto he had been talking about must have been taken @ the event. Ill check with Tony
next time I see him if hes changed his mind about boycotting ‘the poets’! Oh yes, b4 I 4get, Fondane
says that Shestov said th@ ”Heine was right to say that Kant was more of a fearsome revolutionary
than Robespierre. Robespierre only cut off people’s heads, Kant beheaded God Himself.” …. Rang
home but missed H again. Shes not home till late 2night becoz of a school play. Dans interview went
well. Hes getting his US passport & a working visa valid 4 3 years next week & heading off after fash-
ion week. Im about 2 do the mandatory stroll 2 the end of the pier (1k + 1k), get a couple of stubbies,
& spend the night @ my usual spot by the beach. 5.35pm Friday 22/8/03. 8.20am (Melbourne time,
7.50 SA time) Very still. During the night I heard cocks crowing. Sky clear. Im sitting bhind the van on
the clothes box. The tail gate is raised as Ive just had breakfast. A large enamel cup of coffee is with-
in reach on the back tail bar. Im 8 metres (just stepped it out) from the high tide mark but the waters
edge is a few hundred yards away. My field of view includes the Flinders Ranges stretching south, the
Port Germein pier, & 2 the right the Port Pirie smelter with its tall chimney. I am being warmed by the
mornign sun; the rain band isnt due till 2morrow. A book I finished a day or 2 b4 I left is Anne
Applebaums ‘Gulag’ which cost me 80 bucks in hard cover a few weeks ago & now can b got in soft
cover 4 $60. I think I read these things 2 make myself depressed (See my point on p5 – helenz
31/8/03) (Ive also read Robert Conquests ‘The Red Terror’ (?) & Solzenitzins ‘Gulag Archipelago’
when they 1st came out a long time ago & numerous tomes on Hitler & the 3rd Reich & on Mao & the
cultural revolution.) Here is some material from ‘Gulag’ : “Later, the criteria for arrest became more
precise, or, at least, as precise as any Soviet criteria for arrest ever became. One document of May
1941, concerning the expulsion of “socially foreign” elements from the Baltic states, occupied Rom-
ania, and occupied Poland, demanded, among other things, the arrest of “active members of counter-
revolutionary organizations” – meaning political parties; former members of police or the prison ser-
vice; important capitalist and bourgeoisie; former officers of the national armies; family members of
the above (that includes me); anyone repatriated from Germany; refugees from “former Poland”; as
well as thieves and prostitutes” (p422) & “Another set of instructions, issued by the commissar of
newly Sovietized Lithuania in November 1940, said deportees should include, along with the categ-
ories above, “those frequently travelling abroad, involved in overseas correspondence or coming into
contact with representatives of foreign states (my dad had been 2 england 2 buy aeroplanes 4 the
airforce & my mum had been educated @ the Sorbonne in Paris (c her book ‘Elena’s Journey’ by
Elena Jonaitis, Text Publishing, 1997.. ISMB 1875847502)); Esperantists; philatelists; those working
with the Red Cross; refugees; smugglers; those expelled from the Communist Party; priests and act-

8
ive members of religious congregations; the nobility, landowners, wealthy merchants, bankers, indust-
rialists, hotel and restaurant owners. “ (I am interested in these things becoz they happened in my
own lifetime & human nature hasnt changed 4 the better (the reverse in the west) & particularly Im
interested in the mechanisms which underlie paranoia @ a societal level bcoz it isnt going 2 take
much 2 make us turn against each other & (believe me) it will happen.) More from ‘The Gulag’ : the
Volga germans (there since the days of Catherine the Great) were deported on the grounds th@ the
soviet authorities had “trustworthy information” (does this sound like our own information which
cannot b revealed in order 2 protect intelligence sources?) & 390000 Chechens (the entire popul-
ation) were also deported by Stalin. The NKVD used american made Studebakers recently purchased
through the Lend-Lease program & shipped over the border from Iran. There are many descriptions
of how the Chechens were taken off the Studebakers & placed into sealed trains : they were not only
deprived of water, like “ordinary “ prisoners, but also of food (c “Gulag” p429). Up to 78000 of them
died on the transport trains alone. Their exile, although actually carried out in 1944, was announced
in the newspaper Izvestia years later as having taken place in June 1946. The deportations of entire
other minority nations (eg Karachai, Balkars, Kalmyks, Ingush, Meshketians, Turks, Kurds, Khem-
shils, Greeks, Bulgarians, Armenians) were never made public in Stalins lifetime. (I have been inter-
ested in the fates of those who were murdered but whose stories have not been told eg the gypsies
under Hitler. In the case of the 5000 or so child victims of Hitlers eugenics program the hospital
administrations & their staffs of doctors & nurses responsible remained intact in2 the post war period
but their codes of silence (joined by guilt) were never broken.) (31/8/03. Its also worth remembering
here th@ professor Spanner, assistant professor Volman & their associates @ the Danzig Anatomical
Medical Institute were never prosecuted 4 making soap & leather products from the corpses of citiz-
ens of the USSR, poland & other countries killed in german concentration camps)… Port Germein →
Hawker (where I read the paper @ the rail station café; had 2 messages on the mobile, 1 from H & 1
from Kate who is staying @ my mums & will visit Egle & Elyte & signed off “your darling daughter”
which is nice; finally got through 2 H @ school & she assured me everyone is OK; there was a mob of
oldies in caravans in town & they were ridiculously dressed in adventure gear shop clothing; bought 2
stubbies for the road – have I ever driven north from Hawker without a stubby in a holder between me
legs?) → Blinman (remember those great cartoons in the room bhind the bar? Well I asked the bar-
man who the artist was & he pointed 2 the only other person in the bar. He pretended 2 b a local but
when I sprung him with the question “which art school did u go 2?” he admitted it was in Adelaide.
People r always trying 2 pretend they r locals but they only fool very green tourists. His name is
George Aldridge & he is a relo of Percy Grainger. He said he too is an eccentric. He told me the name
of the station where he lives on a homestead hes bought but I didnt listen properly as I was drunk).
→ the spot 25ks east of Blinman we were @ b4 we left the Flinders on the last trip (c ‘June 28/29
‘p15) (someones been here in the meantime : theres a new firering; the wind is sighing in the
casuarinas & I heard the desert bellbird again; the sun is dipping below the horizon; Im sobering up
but have overeaten & feel like a drum; going 4 a walk 2 get the gut 2 settle; its great). Saturday
23/8/03. 9.20am. A large mean thundercloud is passing over & the van is being pattered with rain
though it is bathed in sunlight. Last night I paid a severe price 4 having lowered my inhibitions with
alcohol & consumed 2 large doughy buns b4 bedtime. I had the worst bout of gastric burning & reflux
in a long time. I kept having 2 sit up (head in hands) & take swigs of water 2 wash the acid off the
oesophagus walls back in2 the stomach where it belongs. Couldnt get rid of the hicupping which
made it worse. I never learn – must drink & eat less (& earlier) & walk more (but not 2day by the look
of it). 4got 2 mention yesterday th@ I nearly collected an emu between Wilpena & Blinman (where
the grass is lush & green though short & there r pools of water in depressions). I was watching a flock
of a dozen or so as I was driving pst & just as I raised the stubby 2 me lips (“like angels crying on
your tongue” – John Elliot) the remaining 1 which I hadnt noticed on the other side of the road darted
across. Sheep do it too. Also after leaving the pub I talked 2 two overnight backpackers who were a k
out of town trying 2 hitch a lift 2 Wilpena. They had walked the Heysen trail from the pound 2 the
Parachilna gorge & got a lift 2 Blinman. They sounded german or scandinavian. The guy looked a bit
younger than me but the woman looked about 80. I was intrigued. Maybe they were mother & son.
9
Last night I had what seemed like a long, recurrent dream but which probably happened in an instant.
I dreamt I was being accused of having tampered with the extraordinarily elaborate mechanical stage
controls of a large theatre. The controls consisted of ancient levers, ratchets, stairways, secret rooms
& compartments (some known only 2 me) etc. stretching over several floors behind & above the
stage. I think the exploration & knowledge of these controls has been a recurrent dream of mine over
many years but it may b I only dreamt Ive been having the dream. It was a dream about dreaming &
after u have 1 of these u can no longer tell which is the case unless youve recorded the earlier dream
in a journal which I havent (or dont remember I have). A woman I knew believed she dreamt the
events of her days the previous night & she would say it. It must have been and intensified déjà vu
mayb caused by a mirroring (or echoing) of brain circuitry. The test would have been 4 her 2 write
down the coming days events in advance. I never asked her what was going 2 happen next. I cant
say how but I suspect my dream was triggered by cogitations during the day on a metaphor 4 how we
exist in language (an elaboration of the brain, nervous system, & the sensed environment (esp of
other people) & though increasingly attenuated nonetheless no less a matter of this, the only world
we can know, than the core structures which it complexifies). It seems we r like computer codes
where later languages r superimposed as elaborations on the bases laid down by earlier ones which
themselves r elaborations of still earlier (in time too ) & simpler ones. & it seemed 2 me th@ ageing is
the destruction of the most recent structures (layers) so the earlier ones r revealed whose progressive
disabling exposed still more primitive 4mations 4 xamination. I look 4ward 2 the process (1/9/03.

except I suppose that its the critical faculties which r the 1st 2 go so u start talking in cliches saying
stuff like “youre only as old as u feel” becoz u cant remember feeling different but u still remember
who u r as the identity structure is 1 of the basic 1s & among the last 2 go ie confusing the capacity 2
remember who u r with how u were) as I lose interest in minor worlds. & let me tell u friends, what u
will bcome @ the moment of your death: a brilliant shaft of white light & a single vibrating giant note
as of a huge organ the same as u were @ the moment of your birth. One after the other languages r
deprogrammed exposing more skeletal forms till we reach the primary machine code. Then there is
only a gate – OPEN/SHUT or a switch – ON/OFF …From 11.30 – 3.30 did a walk. Ive got 1:50000
topo sheets of the entire area which I bought years ago when the hills 1st caught my eye. The 1
covering this spot is Wirrealpa but I didnt have 2 use it as the features here r so definite & recog-
10
nizable. Its all beautful & perfect 4 walking. Its been a cold windy day with dark threatening clouds
which have never done more than produce a few spits. Ive abandoned my idea of taking the road 2
Nantawarrina & from there out 2 Chambers Gorge as I cant do better than stay here as there r no end
of winding creekbeds & complicated hilly features 2 xplore. Saw a lot of goats in the main creek bed
(Wirrealpa creek). Found a long disused mining area where the shafts were so deep I couldnt see
bottom. There must have been a bit of a town judging from the remains of foundations & the size of
the area worked. I dont know what mineral was being mined but I found some stones with one side
covered with a beautiful brilliant mottled green mineral of a smooth shiny surface of the texture of
porcelain several millimetres in thickness. This mineralization is on rock th@ has been weathered (or
dirtied) 2 the reddish brown of the surrounding countryside but when I broke a piece open it was pure
white as if of compressed powder. Ive brought a few pieces 2 take home with the cup 4 H. Its her
birthday on the 1st of Oct. Sunday 24/8/03. Last night I listened 2 the footy lying on the bunk looking
up @ the stars through the window. Collingwood won (vs Sydney). I saw a satellite (counted 7 in an
evening once). The wind picked up throughout the night & is now (8.30am) gale force & cold from the
south west. Low cloud is scudding overhead but I dont think it will rain. This day last week I was
eating kugelis @ litho house @ a table with Andrius Kaspariunas (who is the same age, height &
weight, & appearance even down 2 his no 2 haircut as me) & his mother (1/9/03. who asked if u can
take someones ashes back 2 litho & I was able 2 tell her th@ my sister Rasa had taken a casket
containing the ashes of our stepfather & had raised eyebrows by replying, when she was asked by
customs what she had in the box, that it was her father).There werent many in the room & most were
old. Me & Andrius were young by comparison. Sometimes the place gives the impression of a nursing
home dining room. (Have you ever been in a nursing home dining room? How many of the
oldies present had to be spoon fed with vitamized goo? How many were in nappies?
Perhaps you mean a hostel or retirement home – helenz 1/9/03) . @ a nearby table were
Andrius & Joseph (who said Dan should ring him 4 free advice regarding his financial affairs @ FRM
– he has several other models on his books) Vaitiekunas & their mother ponia Vida Vaitiekuniene (or I
think thats who it was (1/9/03. but it was her twin sister from New York) she had changed so much
since I last saw her only a few weeks earlier) who is dying of cancer. Her wish has been 2 hang on till
her birthday which I think might b 2day (1/9/03. but it was on the 26th & she had died on the 23rd
having said her goodbyes) 4 a family reunion. A son & family have arrived from lithuania & a married
daughter from the US. Andrius V says she has been too tired & in too much discomfort 2 take
satisfaction in their company. Another child, Rasa, whom she had been looking after as an adult died
of cancer last year. Ponia Vaitiekuniene is a long term friend of my mother & I remember regular visits
2 their place when I was young. Its as if now she no longer has 2 look after her daughter she is able 2
die herself. When she looked over in my direction on a couple of occasions I could see she was
already far away. Last year I had said 2 Andrius V th@ the death of his sister @ least removed the
worry of her welfare so his mother could die in peace. He had said it was not an issue as he would
have always looked after her. I remarked 2 Andrius K @ my table th@ u dont often hear of brothers &
sisters accepting responsibility 4 each other like th@ nowadays. “Nor 4 parents” he replied. Ive heard
H say as much. I dont think I care. Bronia made an announcement th@ there was plenty of kugelis
left over 4 anyone who wanted 2 buy some 2 take home. They had probably made far too much. A
couple of years ago ponia Vaitiekuniene had said 2 me th@ when her generation were gone this
house & the ‘community’ would b finished. I disagreed with her then but now I think she is right. My
kids (who dont go there anyway) r not privy 2 the kinds of memories of huge events (1/9/03. her
father had died @ 36 leaving her widowed mother, ponia Konstancija Brazeniene, to bring up 4
children. Though of small stature ponia (mrs) Brazeniene was of except-ional character taking in &
hiding 2 children from the Kaunas ghetto 4 the duration of the german occupation. In the last weeks
of the ghetto with the eastern front approaching when it was obliterated & the remaining 2 ½ ooo
inmates transported 2 Stutthoff concentration camp (outside Danzig) she also hid 2 women saving
them from the transport. 4 these actions she was honoured posthumously by israel in 1985 as a
‘righteous gentile’. 1 of the children had been taken out of the ghetto by her son (ponia Vaitiekunienes
brother) who had entered the ghetto in a german uniform risking his life 2 walk out with the child. This
11
son was imprisoned by the russians on their arrival in a prisoner of war fort-ress in Gardinas from
which he was released in recognition of his mothers efforts (giving shelter to jews had been
punishable by death) but by then his health was broken by the conditions of impris-onment & he died
soon after. Nor did her heroism save her from being herself deported 2 siberia in 1948 from where
she didnt return till she was released in 1956 due 2 ill health) (2/9/03. a few of my readers will b
interested 2 know th@ ponia Vaitiekunienes cousin, Ugne Karvelis, was the partner of the Paris
based writer Julio Cortozar) she takes with her 2 her grave. I remember a phalanx of NKVD on
motorbikes arriving @ a camp (after 1 of the Yalta conferences when the allies had agreed 2
repatriate ex soviet citizens & the brits had rounded up cossack units & their families & tricked them
onto trains 2 b returned “back 2 the USSR” where they were immediately arrested & sent 2 siberia or
shot; many committed suicide on the way) 2 persuade the balts & poles 2 return 2 their places of
origin where the new soviet authorities were waiting 2 welcome them so they could participate in the
rebuilding of the glorious socialist republics. I remember th@ fear hung in the air like mist. The NKVD
on motorbikes visited most of the DP camps but hardly anyone took up their offer & those who did
were never heard of again. My kids have not experienced fear which is palpable. Litho house & the
‘community’ may continue but only as a gesture, an anachronism, a kind of oddity, a posturing. I wish
it well however (1/9/03. its origins r tribal solidarity & its value is that its a ‘village’ in a large anon-
ymous city). I said hullo 2 Odrone (Thelma calls her Audrey) & enquired about Danius. She said he
had returned from europe during the week. I was going 2 Ivanhoe on the bike so I called in @ the
studio. He has spent the last months touring european capitals in a van with 4 others (from australia)
as a rock band with himself as lead singer per4ming songs of his own lyrics (which take off, mirror,
comment on art jargon) in galleries & art precincts 2 art audiences. He gave me a beautifully pro-
duced CD titled ‘Histrionics’ which he had manufactured on the cheap in the czech republic. A
Jackson Pollock stage suit he made by dribbling white house paint over the pants & jacket till they
were covered with squiggley lines was hanging by the stove. He said hed come back bcoz his work
visa had xpired & it was getting bad 4 his health… Left 4 a walk @ 10.15 & was back @ 3.45. Walked
south along the creek Im camped @ 2 where it joins Eregunda Creek then upstream because I could
see from the map it went through a gorge. In normal years there would b many deep & clear pools in
the depressions in the creek bed & along the walls but most of them were dry. These western slopes
of the Flinders have missed out on the rain (the area between Quorn & past Hawker is also still par-
ched). The gorge is typical of the ones Ive seen, they r all impressive. Introduced plants r causing
problems though. The entire area is infested with onion weed & in the gorge prickly pear is covering
large sections of the steep slopes. Another cactus not familiar 2 me with ‘branches’ like lumpy saus-
ages & just as prickly which grows 2 about 5 foot is common on some of the low earthy banks. Saw a
couple of peppercorn trees but I like them. After coming out 2 where the gorge widens on the western
side I turned around & came back 2 the eastern exit & northwards along a track th@ was in places
only discernable becoz there were recent trail bike tyre marks on it 2 the Blinman/Wirrealpa road &
across in a loop through a jumble of small hills 2 the van. After a meal I was overcome by weariness
& lay down 4 a doze – thats how unfit I am. Just noticed there r fresh tyre marks on the track Im next
2. Someones gone by while I was on the walk. It could b the station people or someone might b
camped 2 the north. Im driving a couple of ks up it 2morrow 2 where we were when we left in panic in
the dark bcoz of the rain. 2morrow I want 2 walk along the track th@ goes past the hut & the spring
but further than we did. The 2ks there & 2ks back saves me an hour of walking time.. Monday
25/8/03. It occurred 2 me when I was reading ‘Gulag’ (Anne Applebaum. © Doubleday 2003. ISBN
0767900561) th@ the guards on the trains heading east with their human cargo in a journey which

12
could take months were probably just ordinary boys. What we know of them is they were poorly paid,
usually sons of peasants, from distant provinces (it was a policy of the soviets 2 assign soldiers 2
tours of duty as far away from their home provinces as possible) & their living conditions were some-
times only marginally better than those of the prisoners they were guarding. From accounts of prison-
ers we know the journey east was the most dangerous time of all & many lives could have been
saved had guards bothered 2 make an xtra stop 4 water or ensured a scheduled stop wasnt ignored.
Entire families died of thirst. But I am not inclined 2 blame the guards. As far as they were concerned
they were escorting train loads of lice, weeds, enemies of the people, wreckers & saboteurs, counter-
revolutionaries, spies & other parasites. It seems 2 me they may have been the best of boys, the kind
parents wish all their kids were like, obedient, & who accept what they r told without question or @
least not requiring too much persuasion. It is precisely the good, law abiding type of personality which
is going 2 b most susceptible 2 the exercise of authority by the state. The state 4 its part (whether
under Hitler, Stalin or Mao) ensures the population practices @ disconnecting the meaning of words
from the evidence of the senses (knowledge) of individuals. People r made 2 shout & sing (2 provide
an illusion of bodily connection 2 meaning) absurd slogans which neither they nor those who invent
them believe in. In this way they r made 2 practice @ violating the organic processes of how meaning
is 4med so it bcomes the xclusive property of the state (which however is composed of individuals
who r its beneficiaries) which assigns itself the job of social engineering. In the camps in the gulag
where underfed zeks were dropping from exhaustion the achievements of stakhanovite miners were
posted up on noticeboards & blared through loudspeakers. Their ouputs were not double or triple
what everyone, guard & zek alike, knew was humanly possible with pick & shovel but 5 times or 10
times the quota. 4 it was the purpose of the state not 2 b believed but 2 train its subjects 2 ignore the
evidence of their senses so they did what they were directed without question. & it worked 4 awhile
because we r naturally obedient & want 2 believe & do what we r told. Government (or any complex
social organization) would be impossible otherwise …. Got going @ 9.45 – back @ 3.45. Now I have
the map I can tell u the spot where we were rained out is 2½ ks along the track & and Ive driven
another 1½ ks further 2 where it crosses the main creek. I bottomed the front bullbar nosing down in2
a couple of the minor creeks but not seriously & I reckon I could cross the big creek if I wanted 2 but
Im happy staying here 2night 2 b close 2 a great walk Ive got lined up 4 2morrow. Its a beaut spot 2 &
only 10 minutes walk from the hut & spring. I think it took me about another 45 minutes 2 get 2 the
spot on the track where we turned around. The track which shows no signs of having been used 4 a
very long time is shown on my Wirrealpa map sheet which is based on info surveyed in 1985 as
coming out on the road which goes from the Blinman/Wirrealpa road 2 Narrina. Often u cant even c it
so it feels almost like walking cross country but with the advantage of knowing exactly where u r on
the map. There r mule droppings everywhere & hoofprints which r surprisingly small & I wish I could
catch sight of the animal but I didnt. There is a bore called Donkey Bore where the windmill was spin-
ning away but it isnt connected 2 the pump & the water troughs & tank r derelict. I notice there is a
fence along the western foothills which keeps the stock on the plains from wandering in2 the hills
which I think have been left 2 their original inhabitants with the addition of the mules but minus the
aborigines. I investigated several minor tracks which go 2 what used 2 b small mines. These were
probably 1 man operations mining localized patches of mineralized rock. Climbed a hill which wasnt
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very high (575 metres) but gave a tremendous 360º view of the entire area I was interested in inclu-
ding the long ridge along the top of which I intend 2 return after walking 2 the other end of it by creek
& track 2morrow. U can imagine, honey, how surprised I was on the way back 2day 2 spot fresh
footprints going the other way on the track. The only explanation I could think of was th@ whoever left
the tyre marks on this track (which go on across the creek & then turn east) stopped during the day
yesterday & went on a substantial walk. Wouldnt have been anyone from the station as theyd have
gone on a trailbike. They dont go walking where there is no need 4 it or 4 the scenery. Anyway while I
was thinking about the bootprints I came 2 a stony track which wasnt marked on my topo sheet so
took it 2 investigate as I had time 2 spare & after walking 4 a k or so came across a large pile of
DONKEY DROPPINGS in the middle of the track which I recognized I had passed going the other
way. Yes, u guessed right honey, I was heading back in the direction I had come from on the same
track without recognizing it. Once I turned around I was recognizing it though & the footprints, of
course, had been my own. Ive done it b4 & it always happens when Im immersed in thought. This
time I had been thinking how 2 reconcile a difference of opinion between Turing (1912-54) & Wittgen-
stein. Turing had @tended 1 of Wittgensteins courses & asked a question Wittgenstein dismissed as
indicative of a failure 2 underst& him but Im going 2 reconcile their differences even though I cant
remember what they were. Anyway this is how it happened. I took a sidetrack off a minor sidetrack off
the minor main track & then returned 2 continue on along the first minor sidetrack (all the time deep in
thought about an imaginary difference of opinion between Turing & Wittgenstein) & then when I retur-
ned from it I had forgotten Id already been on the other minor side track & assumed when I passed
where it joined the minor track I was on I had returned 2 the minor main track & the minor track going
off 2 my left was a new minor track not shown on the topo sheet. Something like th@. Tuesday
26/8/03. Id better put in the last of my observations on events in Melbourne otherwise Ill still b writing
about them on the way home. Tuesday 3 weeks ago (5/8/03) was 1 of those swervy days where the
city gets 2 feel like a village. Is it a particular mood (disturbed, agitated) which jolts u in2 noticing
connections which r always there or r u living differently? It was the day Tony F. threw the wobbly @

the ‘poets’ @ Café Fruscolino in Richmond. Afterwards I rode on 2 the Bocadillo in Brunswick st
where I usually arrive @ 9pm 4 a snack & a couple of sangrias b4 going on 2 a bit of music @ The
Make It Up Club. Tom Fryer was walking past the window & popped in 4 a chat. Events, as large as
any 2 affect our lives, have been raining down on him in quick succession. His mother, who has been
sole carer of his father who is incapacitated by a stroke, has been diagnosed with terminal cancer.
Tom had just come from the hospital. He is an only child. On top of everything else hes faced with
difficult moral decisions about the extent of his responsibility 4 the care of his father & the task of
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negotiating the bureaucracies of the nursing home industry. I told him the best rule I knew 4 negot-
iating moral issues is 2 treat others the way u want 2 b treated yourself (5/9/03. not becoz others
always want the same things u want, though the likelihood of it being so increases as the issues r
more basic, but bcoz if we r 2 b joined in the 1 body it isnt so much a matter of perceiving the world in
the same way as of the decisions (agreements, contracts) we make about rules 2 live by despite our
differences). If u neglect others b prepared 2 b neglected yourself. I think Im prepared 4 it but Im
probably an obsessed person expecting 2 retain the company of my obsessions 2 the end. I would
not want my kids 2 assume a carers role 4 me @ the expense of their own lives. Thats not why I had
them though in 3rd world countries it might be the general expectation. However I dont think it would
be excessive 2 expect 1 of them 2 do the necessary legwork 2 locate a decent nursing home (That’s
an oxymoron – helenz 2/9/03.) & then 2 keep th@ bureaucracy under observation & on notice
which is more than most do. An occassional visit might also be in order. My preference is 2 take
responsibility 4 my own exit & 4 the medical establishment 2 b responsible 4 easing pain should I
request it. I think I would like 2 die on my cot in the van parked under a river red gum by a desert
creek bed. I dont believe I have even a minor fear of death & if my hand were 2 b held it would b by H
4 whose future Id b worrying more than 4 my own. The problem is if I was incapacitated by stroke or
some such I wouldnt b able 2 drive out here. Ive drifted off the point. Returning 2 the Bocadillo I sug-
gested 2 Tom if he found it necessary 2 consult a doctor I recommend Dr Doig @ Ivanhoe clinic
becoz he has plenty of experience in nursing homes, is the doctor responsible 4 Hs mother Vi so Ive
had an opportunity 2 assess him in the role, has a very caring manner according 2 her, is a good
talker & fully explains what he does; & I could have added I suspect him of being a rounded person-
ality. Also he gets my writing I told Tom. Tom noted he had a guitar student called Doig & I thought
given my aptitude 4 coincidence its just as likely 2 b Doigs son (I knew he had a couple of kids). The
name was Chris & his age was 15. A week later @ the next music night Tom confirmed his student
was indeed the son of the doctor. When Tom left the Bocadillo Victoria (who also gets my pieces)
came over & said the jazz singer who is there a couple of times a month on fridays had asked her the
previous week if she knew who the couple were, meaning me & H, who regularly sit @ the window as
she thought we were the parents of a girl she went 2 school with called Kate Zizys. The singers (&
pianists) name is Catrina Seiffert. Kate doesnt remember her but H still sees her mother (who had
been a mover & shaker in parent organizations @ the primary school) around Ivanhoe. Well say hullo
next time we see her. Victoria said “small world”. People say it 2 me, I confirm it …Left @ 10, was
back @ 4. Wont go in2 the detailed geography of the walk which was mostly along creek bed & ridge.
Found several pools of clear water so was able 2 wash my hands & face. 1 was deep enough 4 a full
dip had I wanted but it was cold & I thought I might b short of time. From the ridge u see Mt Patawerta
which looks very different from the east than the south from which aspect Hans Heysen (Walter
Struve who has read his letters tells me he was a nazi sympathiser) has done a number of paintings
of it. It wasnt as comfortable walking along the top as a ridge can b as these hills r made from layers
of rock like concentric plates lifted so the protruding edges constitute the ridge. U keep having 2 criss
cross the exposed edges & the ground is covered with loose rubble. The place is stocked after all as I
saw a flock of about 50 sheep but there r far more goats which Ive been seeing in large flocks each
day both in creekbeds & in the hills.The highlight was I did finally see a group of mules/donkeys. I
saw them on the other side far away down in a valley as soon as I reached the ridge. I got a good
look through the binoculars. There were 5 adults & 2 foals. 2morrow I turn around & retrace my path
back 2 Melbourne over 3 days so as 2 b there by Friday 4 our usual weekend tryst. Time 4 a mug of
coffee. Wednesday 27/8/03. Im back @ me spot out of Burra. Im drinking an enamel cup of Country
Cup (gourmet flavour) Asian Prawn Laksa (98% FAT free) soup becoz Im too scared 2 drink beer
after the experience the other night. Last night was freezing but I was ready 4 it becoz it was already
getting cold in the evening. I love it when the temperature drops a long way. Slept like a rugged up
baby till just b4 dawn. Left about 8.30 & didnt stop till Hawker where I got petrol, read the paper, &
rang H. Shes fine but Dan has been crook with a pain in his side. X rays show nothing. Kates had a
ball in Sydney & is returning 2morrow & she may b COMING TO LIVE WITH US IN IVANHOE. Incid-
entally there is an exhibition of Flinders Ranges painters on in the town. Tourists love art. Signs on
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the way in say UNAUTHORIZED CAMPING NOT PERMITTED. U gotta b careful with these – theyre
easy 2 miss. They have similar ones outside Port Fairy in Vic where me & H were fined $100 4 sleep-
ing in the van by the Moyne river. There is a new sealed road starting 10ks out of town 2 Orroroo
which is the shortest way 2 Burra but I did a detour through Quorn so as 2 go through Wirrabara. A bit
out of Quorn stopped 2 fotograph a large rainwater tank lying on its side with an ad painted on the
base facing the road 4 the Quorn Cricket club Reunion which will feature a match between the HAS
BEENS & THE NEVER WASES. Had my regulation pie & coffee @ Wirrabara. Theyve caught on with
the tourists : the steak & kidney pie cost $5.50 & $3.00 for the coffee. Theres been plenty of rain since
I was here a week ago. Hawker had an inch after I drove through on the way north 4 a total of 2
inches over the last 4tnight. The streams @ the foothills of the ranges btween Wilmington & Wirra-
bara r running. I can tell theyve had good rain around Burra too but not much here on the edge of the
plain. Its green but & there is a flock of a doz emus wandering about in the distance the other side of
the fence. When I rang H on the mobile @ Hawker she ddnt recognize me voice – thats how good a
few walks have been 4 me. Should any1 wish 2 follow in my footsteps here is an item x item invent-
ory, in the order in which I take them out, of what I carry in my day pack. Im interested 2 check meself
: 1. In the small pocket on the top there is a pair of reading glasses (in a hard case) on a string so
they can hang around the neck. I have 2 have them otherwise I can barely read the compass & cant
read the topo sheet at all. A guy was lost 4 five days in the Vic alps once bcoz he smashed his glas-
ses when he fell over. 2. In 1 side pocket (the 1 with a still smaller zip pocket on it 4 change) is the
wallet which I never leave in the van bcoz I am terrified of losing it. I also put the van keys in there. 3.
In the badly designed front outside pocket with the curved zip I carry the 7 x 20, 7.1º Nikon binoc-
ulars, in a cloth bag as Ive lost the proper case. 4. There r 6 items in the other side pocket : a) a pair
of sunglasses in a soft carrier as lately I cant tolerate the glare on a salt lake or even on the very
white sand of some beaches eg @ Jervis Bay in NSW b) compass with string 2 hang round the neck
c) a container of 250mg Naprosyn tablets which I havent used 4 years & which were bought on
26/6/96 & on which Ive written in biro EXP 99 d) a little round container of sunscreen wax 2 smear on
me lips otherwise a day in full sun triggers cold sores on the lower one. It says store below 30º c.
(when the van is left closed it can b much hotter than that) & the expiry date is 8/2003 e) in a very
grubby plastic HANDY STORAGE PACK which is kept shut by a rubber band as the hinged edge is
broken r a pair of ear plugs which I always use 4 protection against getting pseudomonas fungal
infections (same 1 women get). I paid a couple 000 $s 2 get the exostosis drilled out of 1 of me ears
but I reckon I might have wasted me money coz since Ive been keeping the water out (including in
the bath) I havent had an infection in either ear (the other also has exostosis) f) a very smooth stone
which is perfect 2 hold. Captain Queeg rolls the ball bearings while I caress, throw up and down &
from hand 2 hand a shiny stone as smooth as soap. Cant remember where I got it. 5. The main
compartment : a) a plastic bag th@ has held Walnut & Mango Natural Muesli (high dietary fibre) but
Ive been using 4 the last few days 2 carry a spoon & a 200gr tin of John West Mackerel Fillets in
Tomato Sauce or Kippers in Brine or vice versa & theyve been delicious. The tins r rip top. b) Wirre-
alpa 1:50000 topographic map c) a plastic bag inside which r 3 toilet rolls with only a little paper left
on them (two have rubber bands around them, 1 is squashed flat); 6 band aids & a very rusty tin
dispenser with a bit of Leukoplast in it – 4 foot repairs; 3 rubber bands; a razor edged, folding, snub
nosed knife made by SEKI-CITY of Japan 2 cut a vein (when Seneca was ordered 2 commit suicide
@ short notice by the emperor Nero (whose tutor he had been ) his doctors cut his wrist veins but
becoz of his age (pushing 80 I think ) the blood flow was too meagre 2 b effective so he went 2 his
bedroom (his young wife also cut her wrists) & cut the veins in his thighs) in case I bust a knee or
something in a spot where I cant b found. I usually walk off track & I dont want 2 risk a slow painful
death from thirst or cold. Some time ago I enquired @ a chemist if I could get some local anaesthetic
(4 my 1st aid kit I said) but all I got was a funny look & an evasive answer. d) a very crumpled folded
black floppy hat with a starched rim & salt encrusted. It has the word AUSTRALIA & a kangaroo logo
printed 6 times around the band e) a green cotton long sleeve shirt, originally of good quality, extrem-
ely grubby on the inside of the collar, 4 protection from the sun. The brand is FLETCHER JONES & I
got it when it was uniform issue 4 library attendants @ the STATE LIBRARY OF VICTORIA when I
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worked there years ago. f) a small zip up plastic pencil case 2 put shells in2 or little things I want 2
collect but I dont remember ever having used it….Thats all that was in there & it shows how slack Ive
bcome. I should carry a larger plastic bag 2 keep stuff dry in rain as the pack isnt waterproof. I used 2
carry waterproof matches & a small note book & pencil 2 write myself reminders about times & locat-
ions. U will have noticed I didnt have a water container or rain shell. I agree with the authorities they r
essential items u should never go on a walk without but I dont feel the need 4 a drink on an easy days
walk in cool weather & I neglect 2 take a rain shell if I think it wont rain. In hot weather I usually take 3
pieces of fruit & rely on finding water if necessary. Just remembered : on sunday the 31st they r servi-
ng naliesnikai (meat wraps)(4/9/03. made x Dana Linikas) @ litho house 4 lunch & theyre delicious.
Ill b back 4 th@. Sleep well. Thursday 28/8/03. Camping spot (where I definitely wont b able 2 get in
again this year because of the growth in the vegetation down the centre strip of the track) → Waik-
erie (ferry across the Murray & petrol) → Loxton (also a Murray town where I checked the mobile on
which Dan had left a message 2 say he was better but if he was still crook in a weeks time he would
see Doig (who has closed shop 4 a while 2 c one of his kids compete in a ski event) on friday ; read
the paper over $3 of strong latte) → Pinnaroo (topped up with petrol @ the BP service station where
the dispenser in the toilet sells SUPER RIBBED & TEXTURED CONDOMS & CONDOMS IN ASS-
ORTED COLOURS) → Murrayville (2 stubbies of Coopers Sparkling; they had 1½ inches of rain last
weekend) → Danyo reserve (2.30pm). I have come a full circle as its here I wrote the 1st entry 4 the
piece Im putting out so mayb its appropriate 4 me 2 come back 2 Nietzsches notion of the ‘eternal
return’ on which I commented then. (I can hear the rufous whistler again) Despite his (& Pierre Klos-
sowskis) best efforts & his mastery of language (he had been a prof of philology) he was unable 2
make his experience @ Sils Maria coherent (pass it on; integrate in2 the social fabric). Perhaps its
just as well 4 it may b when it is translated in2 words (agreed meaning) the primary experience of
knowing (ie the discomfort, agitation, amazement, mystery) is laid aside or destroyed. Putting things
in2 words (labelling, giving a context, explanation) is always reductionist (& a viewing backwards), an
attempt 2 explain complexity by simplicity (many by few; set in terms of subsets). His failure 2 incorp-
orate (in2 language) his insight shows how xeptional it was. It seems he understood the limitations of
language & so the question has 2 b asked why he persisted in the effort (I am interested becoz I keep
asking why I am writing). His answer, self flattering I suggest, would have been th@ he was giving
xpression 2 an overabundance, an xess, an xuberance (throwing pearls b4 swine?) (when I get out of
control I talk about dialectic, an intersection of discourses etc) but I think it is more likely th@ no
matter how secure we feel in our separate identities we know we r incomplete until we r joined with
others. It is likely the Sils Maria insight was incapable of being shared becoz it connected parts of the
brain (which mediates (or is a node in) all experience, emotion, ideas, insight, intuition but u cannot
say its where they happen) rarely joined. It may b the kind of connections involved were the same
which would later lead 2 his insanity & subsequent silence. Klossowski suggests he had a premon-
ition (likewise it seems jesus of nazareth knew (he is reportd 2 have predicted) his ministry was 2 end
in his early execution) of it & the Sils Maria revelation was its justification. Should Nietzsches insight
have been contingent on his final condition the insanity is no measure of its validity since experience
is its own judge (christs death can b seen equally as a suicide (he could have avoided it by accepting
the offer on the cliff top) which some might call a negation or as being justified (even necessitated) by
his ministry). Unlike Nietzsche I dont feel driven 2 explain epiphanies. In these trip notes I have been
describing the small detail of minor worlds & hope my acceptance of what I cannot underst& protects
me from the anger of the gods.

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