DEATH OF THE PARTY

A Mystery Play in Three Acts

by
William C. Seward
and
Barbara Stopp Vance

Performance Rights
It is an infringement of federal copyright law to copy or reproduce this script in any manner or to
perform this play without royalty payment. The author controls all rights. Call for additional
scripts and further licensing information. The author’s name must appear on all programs and
promotional material.

January 14, 1999

Copyright © 1993 by Bill Seward

 2

Cast of characters:

Frank Jacobs: Playboy, bank teller, scoundrel. Maybe 30's, slick.

"Snake" Jarman: Crook, lowlife. Acquaintance of Frank. 30's,40's.
Abraham Delvecchio: Bank president. Frank's boss. 50's or so.
Celeste D.: Boss' wife. Socialite. Could be Abe's
age or younger.
Margot Vincent: Well to do widow of Bank Exec. Any age.
Fletcher Davidson: Company accountant, rival for advancement. About
Frank's age.
Katherine Hill: Teller, rival, Frank's ex-lover, arrives
with Fletcher.
Louise Bancroft: Current girlfriend of Frank.
Florence Bennett: Housekeeper. 50+
Detective Brett Feeney: Amiable, by the book, likes to play bad cop. Any age. Old enough to
be jaded.
Detective Gwynn Jackson: Cynical, only female detective on force. 30-40
Sergeant Bell: Uniform policeman to assist detectives. Any age.
Countess Natasha Gravensky: Elderly foreign neighbor. Russian accent.
Kenny Barlow: Gay tuba player. Bartender. Neighbor. 20-30+
Gridley: Stage hand/ props, etc. Perhaps a little
slow.
Hostess: Emcee/narrator.
 3

SCENE: Audience area is decorated for costume party,

New Year's Eve, 1932/33, and represents the Ball Room of
the Excalibur Hotel, New York. This area is the Library
Friend's party. Mirrored ball in the ceiling. For the bank
party there is a defined area for the Bar/Punch bowl and
another representing the Ladies' Room. Main scene is Living
room of penthouse apartment. Open on party/ballroom
activity.

Act I

AT RISE: HOSTESS is addressing ballroom.

Clock is set at 10:30. (p.m.)

HOSTESS
Happy New Year! Welcome to the Friend's of the Library New Year's Eve party for 1932. We've
been through some rough times but good times are coming. I see some of you came as your favorite
villain or sleuth. The costume judging will be just before midnight. It is wonderful that you've been
able to join us here in New York City for New Year's Eve. There's no place like The Big Apple on
New Year's. Now, allow me to introduce Mr. Gridley. Stand up over there Gridley. With his
considerable help we'll have some entertainment later. For now, enjoy the buffet, courtesy of the
Friends of the Library.

(After a suitable amount of time for the buffet, the hostess

prepares to take the stage. There are sirens, flashing lights,
Det. BRETT FEENEY enters with Sgt. BELL.)

BRETT
Did you call the police, Lady?

HOSTESS
Why, no! What's wrong?
(General hubbub.)

BRETT
Now just calm down, everyone. Go on with your party. Someone else here must have called us.

DELVECCHIO
(Comes from side.)
I called you, Officer. It's just upstairs.
 4

BRETT
Everyone stay here.
(Gets DELVECCHIO)
You, come with me.
(BRETT, BELL, DEL. exit left to hallway.)

HOSTESS
Goodness gracious, I can't imagine what that is all about. It may be some time before we learn
anything from them. However, with the power of imagination, and the magic of Theatre, perhaps we
can see what has transpired up to now. Let us take a look back an hour or so. Take us there,
Gridley. GRIDLEY!
(GRIDLEY enters. Manually sets hands back on clock to 9:
00.)

SCENE 1
(Light on scene in police station, BRETT's desk, phone ringing. He answers.)

BRETT
Detective Feeney. No madam. Like I said before, if you will give us good hard evidence, we'll see
what we can do. If you will just give me your name . . . No, no, I need your name. Then stop calling
us. With no names and no evidence, our hands are tied. How do you know he killed her? What's
your sister's name? What's his name? . . . Darn, she hung up again.
(Taps the receiver switch)
Sarge? Give the crackpots to someone else for awhile.
(Hangs up, holds head in hands.)
New Year's Eve. I hate it!
(Lights off, lights on main stage.)

SCENE 2

(At open of scene SNAKE is at side table working on radio.

FRANK and FLORENCE are discussing party. Room is
tastefully decorated for New Year's Eve. There is one door
stage right for a bedroom, and one door stage left for access
to the hallway and the rest of the apartment. It is 1932,
prohibition. On stage are a couch, a coffee table, a radio, a
side table, telephone table, decorative books on shelf with a
large clock. FLORENCE and FRANK stage center going
over list. SNAKE is tinkering with radio. FLORENCE is a
housekeeper, motherly type, pragmatic, no-nonsense.
SNAKE is shifty-eyed criminal type, dark clothing, cloth cap.
FRANK is young executive type, well-dressed, visibly
thirtyish, well groomed. There is the sound of a tuba, playing
scales, offstage. All must talk loudly to be heard over it.
 5
FRANK
(Shouting into phone.)
I've told you to stop calling me. You've got the wrong person.
(Angrily slams down the receiver.)
Florence, please hold these calls. Better yet, hang up on them for me.

FLORENCE
Was that....?

FRANK
Yes, the same caller.

SNAKE
A secret admirer?

FRANK
Just a crank call. Several times a day. They talk through a handkerchief or something, but it sounds
like a woman.

FLORENCE
Is there anything else, Mr. Jacobs?

FRANK
I believe that's all, Florence. Unless you can do something about that noise.
(Looks upward.)

FLORENCE
I'll see what I can do. When will Mr. Jarman be finished?

FRANK
Any minute now, I believe. Is that right, Jarman?

SNAKE
Yeah, yeah, anytime now.

FLORENCE
I'll need to set that table soon if everyone's to start arriving at ten.

FRANK
Don't worry, Florence. You can have it as soon as we finish. You know we'll need that radio later.
 6

FLORENCE
If you say so Sir.
(Exits left)

FRANK
How about it, Snake?

SNAKE
Almost ready. Is she gone?

FRANK
Sure, go ahead.

SNAKE
(Pulls bomb assembly from bag, hooks it into radio.)
What time do you want it set for?
(Tuba noise stops abruptly)

FRANK
(Still shouting, then quieter)
TWELVE . . . twelve exactly. Are you sure you know how to handle that stuff?

SNAKE
One of the benefits of a liberal education. Relax, that's what you're paying me for.

FRANK
Yes, but nitro . . . That's dangerous stuff. If you drop it . . .

SNAKE
You want a clean sweep, don't you? This little bottle will take out the whole top of the building.

FRANK
Including the tuba fairy and that old biddy with the apricot poodle, I hope. How about the ballroom?

SNAKE
All set up. Four bombs in random places. The big one set for twelve, just like you said. That library
party is sure in for a surprise. They'll probably all start yelling "Quiet Please" when the action starts.

FRANK
Very funny. Now, get this last one done. Make sure it won't get too hot in that cabinet. Where's the
battery?
 7

SNAKE
I know what I'm doing. Don't need a battery. It runs off the wall plug. What time is it now?

FRANK
Nine. Where's your watch?

SNAKE
I don't have it. My old lady pawned it.

FRANK
(Removes his own from pocket.)
Timing is crucial. Here, use this one.

SNAKE
Nice.
(Looks at back.)
Hmmm, "To my darling Frank," and the initials J C.

FRANK
Never mind that. Just forget to return it later.

SNAKE
Oh, I won't.
(Finishes bomb, sets radio into place.)
Are you sure you want to go through with it? It's a lot of people to snuff at once.

FRANK
That's right, a major disaster. I'll be the only survivor. Everyone who stands in my way will be gone,
along with a few other loose ends. The cops will never sort out the bodies.
(Door buzzer)

FRANK
Go into the bedroom until I see who this is.
(SNAKE exits right to bedroom, FLORENCE comes to left door.)

FLORENCE
The Countess to see you.
(NATASHA bustles in.)

NATASHA
Oh, Mr. Jacobs, you must help! My beloved, my Fifi, she is missing! I cannot live without her. You
have seen her, yes? She's pure apricot, you know. Very rare, and wearing her lovely gold and green
collar.

FRANK
No, madam, I haven't seen her. If I had, you may be sure I would have sent her to the pound.
 8

FLORENCE
Mr. Jacobs!

NATASHA
You are cruel, too cruel. In my country, the men are more sensitive to the plight of a poor
defenseless . . .

FRANK
Defenseless! I've had it up to here with you and your useless, yapping bundle of fur, Countess. This
morning, I walked out my door and stepped in a pile of . . .
(Door buzzer, FLORENCE exits to answer it.)
What now?

FLORENCE
It's Mrs. Delvecchio, Sir.

FRANK
Show her in, Florence. And see the Countess out. Please.

NATASHA
(Exiting with FLORENCE)
You are wicked. . .

FRANK
(Interrupting. Wicked smile)
Happy New Year, Countess.

NATASHA
Cruel and wicked. If I were a man I would challenge you. I would . . .

CELESTE
(Enters, brushing past FLORENCE, she is flustered. Still
fairly attractive, she is a hand wringer, clinging vine type.
Socialite.)
Frank, please tell me you're not going to that party.
(FLORENCE lingers in doorway, FRANK crosses to meet
CELESTE, she tries to embrace him, he backs off and takes
her hand.)

FRANK
Of course I'm not going. I don't have to. It's here, isn't it? What's wrong, Celeste? Florence, don't
you have something cooking?

FLORENCE
(Turning to go.)
Don't we all.
 9

CELESTE
It's Abe. I'm afraid he's found out . . . about . . . us.
(She tries to cling to him, he remains cool and impersonal.)

FRANK
Nonsense, Celeste, that's not possible. Did he say anything?

CELESTE
No, but he was furious. He got a call earlier this evening and stormed out of the house. I don't
know where he is. We were supposed to have dinner at the restaurant before the party. He hasn't
showed up.

FRANK
I'm sure nothing is wrong. It was probably business.

CELESTE
You can't have this party. What are you thinking? You're just asking for trouble.

FRANK
Celeste, he's my boss. The Old Man practically ordered everyone to be here. One of his famous
memos. Now, compose yourself. Everything will be fine. Trust me.
(He guides her to the door.)

CELESTE
I hope so, Frank, I hope so. I couldn't bear to lose you.

FRANK
Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. It'll be a bang-up party. I'll see the two of you later.
(He walks out with her. Saying things off to comfort her.)
(SNAKE enters from right as FLORENCE enters from left.)

FLORENCE
Are you through with your tinkering, Mr. Jarman?

SNAKE
Why, yes, Mrs. Bennett. I believe I am.
(SNAKE helps himself to the cigars.)

FLORENCE
(Defensive.)
Those are Mr. Jacobs' special stock.

SNAKE
Why, yes they are. I'll give it back when I'm done.

FRANK
 10
(Entering from hall.)
See, Florence, I told you it wouldn't take long.

FLORENCE
Yes, Sir. I'll get the things for the table then.
(Exits left. Muttering)
Some folks are too shiftless to collect their own thoughts!

FRANK
Is everything ready?

SNAKE
It'll do the trick.

FRANK
Now, do you remember the rest of it?
(Pulls hip flask from pocket, offers drink to SNAKE.)

SNAKE
Piece of cake.
(Drinks.)
I come by in my cop suit no later than eleven forty-five. Give the story about damage to your car,
you leave, and at twelve midnight, Happy New Year and BLAM-O!
(FLORENCE enters on noise, carrying party hats, is startled.
SNAKE hands flask to FRANK who leaves it on table.)

FLORENCE
My word!
(Drops party hats.)

FRANK
It's okay Florence.
(Florence begins retrieving hats, stacking them on table.)
Mr. Jarman was just telling me about a, uh, blowout he had today. Isn't that right Jarman?

SNAKE
Yes Sir, that's right. Quite an explosion it was too!
(Elbows FRANK in jest. FRANK looks at him warningly.)
 11

FRANK
And now, I'm sure you have other things to do.

SNAKE
That's right. I'll see you later, Boss.

FRANK
I'll count on it, Mr. Jarman. Don't be late.
(SNAKE exits to hall, FLORENCE right behind him. Phone rings.)
Florence, would you get that? Florence?
(Picks up phone.)
Hello. Oh, hi, Fletcher. Happy New Year. You're coming, aren't you?
(FLORENCE enters and works on table arrangement, etc. Eavesdrops.)
What are you talking about? It must be a mistake. I assure you it's all in order. No. No. You're the
chief accountant of course.
(Sees FLORENCE.)
Look, I can't discuss it now. We'll talk after the party. Yes, we can. I guarantee everything will be
settled tonight. See you later.
(Hangs up.)
Florence, where were you when the phone rang just now?

FLORENCE
Sorry, Sir, I was putting out the . . . garbage.

FRANK
Did our friend show up with the liquor?

FLORENCE
He brought it this morning, Sir.

FRANK
How is it?

FLORENCE
It's good. Tastes like bond.

FRANK
Good, good. Oh, by the way. How did you get the "oompah kid" to shut up? Ram that blasted
poodle down the horn?

FLORENCE
No, Sir. I hired him.
 12

FRANK
Hired him?

FLORENCE
We needed a bartender. Kenny told me the other day that he moonlights in a speakeasy.

FRANK
Hmmm. I guess he can do it, all right. I wish we could get someone who wasn't quite so limp-
wristed. Now, do we have everything else?

FLORENCE
I'll have to get the other glasses and china, and finish the hors d'oeuvres, but it's all on schedule.

FRANK
Thank you, Florence.

(Doorbell, FLORENCE exits st. left to answer.)

FRANK
Who is it this time? I need to get a revolving door.

(FLORENCE and SNAKE are heard in the hall, arguing, SNAKE enters first.)

SNAKE
. . .I have to speak to him again.
(To FRANK)
It's important!

FRANK
Florence, perhaps you'd better go pick up those other things now.
(She exits st. left)
(To SNAKE)
I thought you were gone.

SNAKE
I almost was. I nearly ran into a copper in the lobby. I thought I'd better lay low for a bit. I tried to
hide in the stairwell, but that old blue-haired bat was in there raving about her "Fifi" mutt.
(Picks up flask, prepares to drink.)

FRANK
Okay, okay, stay ten minutes, then you have to leave. I don't want anyone to see you. Wait in the
bedroom.
(Indicates st. right, takes flask from SNAKE, puts it on table.)

SNAKE
You've got it!
 13
(Exits)

MARGOT

(Enters st. left)

Did I hear voices?

FRANK

(Startled)
Margot, what are you doing here?

MARGOT
Florence let me in, she said she was leaving to pick up some things.

FRANK
You're very early.....

MARGOT
Oh, I can't stay. I just had to give you this. I don't want to start the New Year with any outstanding
debts.
(Hands over envelope, FRANK puts in inside pocket.)
I think this is rotten of you. Trading on other people's misfortune.

FRANK
You and I know that some people make their own misfortune. Or should I say fortune. It was your
dear departed husband's misfortune, now wasn't it.

MARGOT
Curtis fell off of the yacht, he fell. The coroner was quite content with that. I think you should be.

FRANK
Don't kid me, doll. Remember, I was there. I was your alibi.

MARGOT
Then be quiet about it. That's what I'm paying you for, right? You're bleeding me dry!

FRANK
Just my share. You got plenty. Hey, you're a big girl. You pay for what you do, and for what I
know.

MARGOT
I don't know what I ever saw in you.

FRANK
Maybe you saw something of yourself, hmmmm? Now, how about a kiss for old times' sake?
 14
MARGOT
I'd rather kiss a cobra.

FRANK
Now that's a match made in heaven.

(Doorbell sounds. FRANK starts toward door. MARGOT

exchanges flask for another.)

MARGOT
No one must see me here! Hide me!
(She exits quickly st. right)

FRANK
No, wait!
(Doorbell again)
All right, I'm coming!
(Exit, st. left)

KATHERINE
(Entering left.)
I just had to come by and take care of this. I didn't want any nasty surprises at the party.

FRANK
Now, Katherine, what kind of cad do you think I am?

KATHERINE
How many kinds are there? I'm quite sure you're several of them. I have to meet Fletcher, so take
this and keep your promise.
(Hands envelope, FRANK adds to inside pocket. She sees
him glance toward the bedroom.)
Now, no more of your tricks. We're through. This is the last payment.

FRANK
Maybe it is, and maybe it isn't.

KATHERINE
You promised. You said this was all! Don't you go back on your word, Frank Jacobs, or you'll be
sorry!

FRANK
Oh my! That sounds like a threat, Katherine. I did catch you with your hand in the till.

KATHERINE
It was a loan, you know that it was. I paid it back. I had to have it! You said you understood!

FRANK
 15
Just the same, if I was to tell Mr. Delvecchio. . . .

KATHERINE
You promised. I paid what you wanted. Now, it ends, right here!

FRANK
I'll think about it. Now, how about a goodbye kiss for the new Vice President of Lending?

KATHERINE
You have to be kidding! You? The new Vice President?

FRANK
With Reynolds gone the spot is open. I plan to get it.

KATHERINE
His funeral was yesterday. Aren't you rushing things?

FRANK
No.

KATHERINE
I have been with the bank for eleven years. If anyone moves up it should be me.

FRANK
You know lending officers are always men. Besides, there is that unauthorized loan. Delvecchio
could hear about it.

KATHERINE
Frank, you wouldn't. Not even you would stoop so low. You sorry..
(Doorbell)
I bet that's Fletcher! He can't see me here.
(Exits right, quickly)

FRANK
No wait! Oh, what's the use?
(Sound of door opening, closing offstage)
Who is it now?
 16

LOUISE
(Enters, left. Embraces and kisses FRANK.)
Hi darling! Don't be a grump. I thought I'd come early and help out. Is anyone else here yet?

FRANK
(Glancing at door right.)
Oh, uh, no, Louise.

LOUISE
What's wrong? You're not backing out on me are you? We're still going away together, aren't we?

FRANK
Sure, first thing tomorrow. Just the two of us.

LOUISE
Oh, it will be so wonderful to get away from here. Ever since Josie died I've wanted just to go
somewhere quiet and think.

FRANK
Poor kid. It's been just awful for you, losing your sister like that. You were very close, I know.

LOUISE
Well, we were sisters after all.

FRANK
And you never found out who the mystery man was she was seeing?

LOUISE
Not yet. When I do. . . . well, he has a lot to answer for! You said you would ask around. Have
you heard anything?

FRANK
No, no I haven't. I'm afraid it's hopeless.

LOUISE
There's an answer somewhere. Come on, it's New Year's Eve. Let's change the subject to brighter
things. I want to think about something happy.
(Models her costume.)
How do you like it?

FRANK
You look beautiful, as always. I'm sure you'll be the life of the party.
 17

LOUISE
Smoothy. How is the party coming along?

FRANK
Just fine. Florence just about has the room fixed up.

LOUISE
And where is dear old Florence?

FRANK
Dear Florence has gone to pick up some crystal and things downstairs.

LOUISE
(Flirtatiously takes his arm and leads him toward door right, picks up flask on way.)
Well, then, if we're alone, maybe we can start our own party a little early.

FRANK
(Turning her about face abruptly. Takes flask.)
We'll have to make time later. Right now I need your help. I just discovered we needed some, some
. . . party hats. That's it, yes. Run down to the corner and pick up some.

LOUISE
(Pouting)
Oh, pooh, Frank. That's no fun.

FRANK
(Ushering her out.)
We'll have fun later. Folks will be arriving soon. Get the big hats. At least twelve of them.
(They EXIT st. left, LOUISE protesting.)

KATHERINE
(Enters st. right as FRANK re-enters st. left. KATHERINE wonders out loud.)
She looks awfully familiar to me.
(To FRANK)
How long do you plan to string that one along before you hurt her?

FRANK
Oh, not much longer.
(Nervously glancing at door right as he replaces flask on table.)
How were things in there?

KATHERINE
Come on. You know I've seen it before. You see one snake den, you've seen them all. You know,
I'm really upset that you would go back on your word.

FRANK
 18
I guess you just can't trust anyone anymore. Besides, I didn't say I was going back on it.

KATHERINE
You'd better not. You won't get another dime from me, and that's a promise. I have to go now,
Fletcher's probably waiting for me.

FRANK
You know the way, I'll see you later.
(KATHERINE exits left. FRANK looks at door right a moment then opens it.)
Margot?

MARGOT
(Enters right)
I've never seen a man with so many shoes. You really should clean out that closet.

FRANK
A banker must look his best, especially now-a-days.

MARGOT
I would think shedding your skin would take care of it. Speaking of which, are you really going to
disguise yourself as a human tonight? No one will buy it!

FRANK
Tacky, tacky!

MARGOT
If we're through here, I must go. We are through here?

FRANK
For now. As per our agreement. Are you still working on Mr. Delvecchio?

MARGOT
You'll pardon me for not telling you. Abe is bringing his wife to the party, I really must practice my
innocent look.

FRANK
And no one does it better. You know the way out.
(She exits left.)

SNAKE
(Sticks his head in door, right, as soon as she exits.)
Is it safe?

FRANK
I think so. Where did you hide?

SNAKE
 19
Under the bed. Man, all those dames. And lookers too. How do you do it?

FRANK
A gift, I suppose. Isn't it time for you to leave?

SNAKE
(Coolly helping himself to another cigar. Picks up flask.)
How soon until someone catches on about that Campbell kid?

FRANK
After tonight, no one will care.
(Takes flask away from SNAKE. Puts in hiding place. Bookshelf?)
Now clear out while you can. I don't want to see you again until eleven forty-five.

SNAKE
No problem, but you really want to blow up the dames too? What a waste.

FRANK
Just keep to your end of it.
(SNAKE exits left, whistling "Buddy Can You Spare a
Dime," FRANK waits until outer door closes looks at clock)
Quarter till. I told them all to be here promptly at ten. I should have booked Grand Central Station.
(Looks around, goes to radio, resets timer.)
Let's see, eleven forty-five, no, wait, eleven forty-seven. Just to be sure. That should do it.
(Starts to drink from flask. Sound offstage of door opening, closing.)
Now who is it?
(FRANK opens door left, speaks into hall.)
What took you so . . . oh, it's you. You're early.
(He steps through door, out of audience' sight. Another voice
is heard, indistinct.)
You're joking! Give me that!
(Struggling sounds, two shots are heard. A b„•y falls to floor.
Part of it is seen on floor in doorway, then dragged off.
Lights down. GRIDLEY appears and sets clock up to ten
thirteen.)

SCENE 3
(Light shift to powder room/mirror. MARGOT,
KATHERINE, LOUISE are present, powdering noses, etc.
LOUISE is angry. CELESTE walks into area as LOUISE is
speaking. We are joining the discussion in progress.)

LOUISE
You're wrong. I know Frank loves me. Everyone doesn't have to have the same bad luck you've had
with love.

MARGOT
 20
You don't know how wrong you are, dearie. He's playing you for a fool.

LOUISE
Just look at this. I can prove it. He gave me his mother's jade pendant! It's been in their family for
years.

KATHERINE
(Pulls out own pendant.)
Dear Mother Jacobs must have a jade farm. I have one also.

MARGOT
(Shocked. Hands to throat.)
Oh my heavens. So do I!

(CELESTE draws away from group in consternation. Exits

in shock with hand to her neck.)

KATHERINE
You know, I heard that the Campbell kid wore one too, but they didn't find it on her body.

LOUISE
Do you honestly mean to tell me that Frank . . .?

MARGOT
Yes, Frank.

LOUISE
I can't believe it. He said it'd been in the family for years, and he wanted it to be . . . to be . . . erggh!
I'd like to give him a piece of my mind.

KATHERINE
Are you sure you can spare it, dear?

LOUISE
Well, at least Frank knew I had a mind. He probably never got past your. . .

MARGOT
Yes, I'm sure Frank appreciated her assets!
 21

KATHERINE
The very idea!

LOUISE
Oh, surely you mean her daddy's bank account. But Frank loves me. He told me so. We were. . .

ALL THREE:
(In unison.)
Dancing in the moonlight.

(LOUISE covers her mouth with her hands in shock.)

KATHERINE
No wonder he didn't come to his own party. He said to be here at ten sharp. It's quarter after and no
Frank.

LOUISE
I'm sure he'll be here. I told you, I saw him this evening. He sent me out for party hats.

KATHERINE
Party hats! This time of night? You're lucky you found them.

LOUISE
I didn't! Everything was closed.

MARGOT
(Derisively.)
Party hats! You poor little fool!

LOUISE
(As lights fade.)
Perhaps not as foolish as you think.

(Lights cross fade to apartment.)

SCENE 4
(Clock shows 10:15. KENNY is serving drinks to
FLETCHER and DELVECCHIO. All seem subdued, party is
dead. KENNY is openly wearing pendant identical to ladies
in previous scene.)

KENNY
Gee, seems like a fun group. You folks party like this often?

FLETCHER
 22
Not often. There hasn't been much reason to, you know.

DELVECCHIO
Well, we've got Mr. Roosevelt coming into office soon. Maybe this "New Deal" of his will turn
things around.
(To KENNY)
What do you think?

KENNY
Sorry, Sir. I try never to discuss politics while working, especially at the bar. Political arguments are
so gauche.

FLETCHER
Good policy, I'm sure. So, where is Frank? This was supposed to be his party.

KENNY
I haven't seen him. There was no one here when I showed up. Mrs. Bennett had asked me to tend
bar. It was all set up when I arrived. I didn't see anyone until all of you came in.

DELVECCHIO
How about this Mrs. Bennett? Where is she?

KENNY
Oh, I'm sure she'll turn up. She left everything prepared. Probably ran an errand or something. One
of the neighbors lost her dog tonight. Maybe she's helping her look.

FLETCHER
Which neighbor?

KENNY
The Countess. She was supposed to make an appearance here tonight, I believe.

DELVECCHIO
A Countess? Here?

KENNY
(Confidentially.)
Well, I don't know for sure. We call her that. Actually, she seems to think she's Grand Duchess
Anastasia. She's going by the name Countess Natasha Gravensky. We humor her.

FLETCHER
Oh, yes. Frank's mentioned her. She travels a lot doesn't she?

KENNY
Yes Sir. And she takes Fifi the Intolerable with her.
(Mimics NATASHA.)
"Fifi is a pure Apricot Poodle. The very rarest kind, you know!"
 23

FLETCHER
Frank isn't too fond of the dog. It bites. He says that Fifi will be solely responsible for the return of
spats.
(To KENNY.)
So, do you know Frank, ah . . . well?

KENNY
Who knows anyone that well? No, I'm afraid dear Frank is too much the ladies' man.

DELVECCHIO
(As CELESTE approaches, stricken.)
Are you all right, dear?
(Sound of dog, yapping offstage.)

NATASHA
(Voice offstage.)
Fifi, Fifi, come here.

KENNY
Speaking of the little devil, sounds like the Countess has found her.
(Scream offstage. All rush to door.)

SCENE 5

(Lights off on apt. on for BRETT's desk. He is on phone again.)

BRETT
What's that? A dead body at the Excalibur. I'll go myself.
(Hangs up phone, grabs hat and coat. Exits, calling.)
Bell, Bell, we've got another New Year's Eve gift.
(Light cross fade to HOSTESS.)

SCENE 6

HOSTESS
Well, well, well, that certainly clears up a few things. While Gridley is getting us back to the present
you may wish to think about what you've seen and talk to the suspects. Are there any general
questions? Well, then, I'll leave you to your own devices. We'll be back shortly with more food for
thought.

End Act I
(During the intermission two of the "audience" bombs will be
found and door prizes awarded.)
 24
Act II

AT RISE: Same scene, some time later. As lights come up,

clock shows ten-thirty. Body is gone. On stage are
DELVECCHIO, KENNY, CELESTE, MARGOT,
FLETCHER, KATHERINE, LOUISE, Det. BRETT.
BRETT is in midst of questioning them. DELVECCHIO is a
rather pompous man, chief executive type. All guests are in
costumes for party.

BRETT
So, you all rode up in the elevator together?

DELVECCHIO
(Tiredly, having answered the same question many times.)
Yes, detective. The party was to begin at ten. All of us were prompt.

BELL
(Opening door, left)
They're in here "detective."

GWYNN
(Entering left)
Thank you, sergeant. Sorry I'm late.
(BELL is still standing fidgeting in door.)

BRETT
Is there something else, Sergeant?

BELL
(To GWYNN)
Very sorry to hear about your sister, Detective.

GWYNN
Thank you, Sergeant.

BRETT
Didn't expect them to send you, "Detective" Jackson. Are you sure you're up to it?

GWYNN
I'm okay, Feeney. I can't take time off forever. Live . . . and death goes on. Now, Sergeant Bell
filled me in. I understand these folks found the body?

BRETT
I was just asking them about it. Mr. Delvecchio here just told me that they all came up the elevator
together. Go ahead Sir.
 25

DELVECCHIO
We arrived at ten sharp. The apartment door was open. We were invited to a party, so we came on
in.
(Indicates KENNY)
This gentleman was already here.

BRETT
(To KENNY)
And you are?

KENNY
Kenny Barlow. I'm a neighbor.

BRETT
We'll get back to you in a minute.
(To DELVECCHIO)
Go on.

DELVECCHIO
Well, as I said, we had been here about fifteen minutes when we heard the Countess screaming. She
was standing in the door of the janitor's closet. Frank was face down on the floor as you saw him.

BRETT

(To GWYNN)
The coroner and the lab boys just got through a few minutes ago. It wasn't pretty.

GWYNN
The coroner?

BRETT
The body.
 26

FLORENCE
(Offstage left, agitated.)
I tell you I'm supposed to be here. Mr. Jacobs is giving a party, and I'm already behind schedule!
(Enters left, BELL in tow, she is carrying tray or box of glasses, etc.)
What's going on here?

BRETT
Who are you?
(He motions BELL to exit.)

FLORENCE
I'm Florence, Florence Bennett, Frank's, I mean Mr. Jacob's housekeeper.

BRETT
Aren't you a little late?

FLORENCE
I just stepped downstairs to 214 to borrow some crystal and things for the party. Where is Mister
Jacobs?

BRETT
But the party was supposed to begin at ten, you're late.

FLORENCE
Oh, I was detained by Mrs. Simpson. She'd forgotten to get the things out for me. There was
nothing I could do but help her get them out and clean them. Where is Mister Jacobs?

GWYNN
(On getting nod from BRETT.)
I'm afraid your Mr. Jacobs has been killed. These folks found him, in a janitor's closet, shot.

FLORENCE
Oh, no! I can't believe it. Are you sure? He . . . I . . . he can't be!
(She breaks down, GWYNN leads her to a chair.)

GWYNN
There, there, I know it's a shock. Try to be brave. We need you to tell us some things.

FLORENCE
I'll try. It's just so sudden. He was so young. I wasn't gone all that long!

GWYNN
What time did you leave him here?

FLORENCE
It was maybe nine thirty. I thought it would only take a few minutes to pick up the things.
 27

BRETT
Was Jacobs alone?

FLORENCE
A Mr. Jarman had just arrived. And I let Miss Vincent in as I left.

BRETT
Are those people here now?

FLORENCE
Miss Vincent is right there. I don't see Mr. Jarman, though.

BRETT
Do you have a first name for this Mr. Jarman?

FLORENCE
Not exactly, but I overheard Mr. Jacobs call him something reptilian, Lizard or Frog or something
like that.

BELL
Can you describe him?

FLORENCE
Mr. Jacobs?

BRETT
Mr. Jarman.

FLORENCE
(Thoughtfully)
About 40, dark hair, short, fairly slim.

GWYNN
(Calling out)
Sergeant!

BELL
(Opening door left)
Yes,... detective.

GWYNN
Call in and see if we have anything on a Jarman, first name unknown.

BELL
Yes, ma'am,. . . . I mean, Sir.
(Exits left again)
 28

BRETT
I'm going to have you all go to another room. I want to question each of you separately. I must ask
you not to discuss this matter among yourselves until I can interview you. Mrs. Bennett, would you
escort these folks into the bedroom?

FLORENCE
I think some of them know the way.
(FLORENCE gets flask from hiding place. Suspects file out,
leaving BRETT and GWYNN)

GWYNN
You want to finish filling me in? I understand he was shot?

BRETT
Two shots. Stomach and head. Both left nasty exit wounds. My guess is a thirty-eight. The face
was badly messed up. He was probably shot in the entry hall there. You might have seen the stains
on the floor.

GWYNN
Who identified him?

BRETT
Most of them in there. And he had his wallet. A little money there, not much of value in the room
here, but nothing seems to be missing, "they" say, except his watch. You ready to question them?

GWYNN
How do you want to handle it this time?

BRETT
I'll be the mean one.

GWYNN
I hate being the nice cop.

BRETT
Seniority, my dear. This is your first case since you made detective. You certainly didn't get here by
being mean.

GWYNN
Are you making some point, Feeney?

BRETT
Why no, "detective." Besides, think of it as therapy. Work out your aggressions and so forth.

BELL
(Opening door)
 29
The precinct will call us back Sir.

BRETT
We've moved the group into the bedroom, after we question them, we'll want you to take them into
the kitchen. Let them have coffee if they want it.

BELL
What about the booze, Sir?

GWYNN
Booze?

BRETT
It's a party, isn't it? Leave a bottle out, it may prove interesting.

BELL
Whatever you say, detective.

BRETT
Oh, and you might round up a couple of cups for Detective Jackson and myself.

BELL
(Hesitates for a second, glancing at GWYNN)
Oh, you mean . . . I'm supposed to get it. Right away.
(Starts to exit left, turns back.)
That was, uh, coffee you wanted, wasn't it?

GWYNN
Of course, Sergeant.

BELL
Yes, . . . Sir.
(Exits left)

BRETT
Which one do you want to start with? The housekeeper?
 30

GWYNN
I'd like to hear what she knows about those folks. We might get more out of them if we leave her till
later, though.

BRETT
Sort of let that group stew in it's own juice, you mean.

GWYNN
That's it. Bell said the foreign lady was first on the scene?

BRETT
Natasha Gravensky.

(GWYNN opens door, right, NATASHA's voice is heard complaining.)

NATASHA
. . . and I must find her collar. I just know darling Fifi is having a nervous breakdown. She's very
high-strung. A perfect apricot shade, you know, very rare. She bit that rude policeman on the ankle.
He made me lock her in my apartment. Her analyst says. . . .

GWYNN
(Closing door and sitting.)
How about talking to her later also?

BRETT
Good idea. A few more minutes of that and they all may confess. The girlfriend?

GWYNN
The girlfriend.

BRETT
(Opens door right)
Miss Bancroft, would you join us, please?
(She enters, distressed, crying)
Please have a seat. Let's see. You are Miss Louise Bancroft, correct?

LOUISE
Yes. I really don't feel like talking about this.

GWYNN
I know this is hard for you. We have to move on this while we can.

LOUISE
O. . okay. I want to help.

BRETT
 31
You were a friend of the deceased?

LOUISE
Well . . . yes, we were seeing each other.

GWYNN
Was it serious between you?

LOUISE
Oh, yes. I hope you realize I don't just go out with anyone!

BRETT
Oh, we're sure! Now, why did you kill Frank Jacobs?
LOUISE
Excuse me?

BRETT
Come on, Toots. Nice cushy bachelor pad like this. The guy probably plays the field, right? My bet
is he was about to dump you, so you snuffed him.

LOUISE
Why no . . . I

GWYNN
Feeney, Feeney, give the girl a break. Can't you see she cared for the guy?

LOUISE
No, it's okay. Yes, I loved him. He would not have dumped me.

BRETT
Good looking guy like that. Good job. Be hard for you if he did, right? You skirts can't make it
without your meal ticket, can you?

GWYNN
That's enough, Feeney.

BRETT
Okay, okay. Present company excepted.

GWYNN
Don't mind him, Louise. To Detective Feeney, everyone's a suspect.
 32

LOUISE
I just want you to find Frank's killer.

BRETT
I think we have the killer right here.

GWYNN
Feeney means that it's very likely the killer is one of you folks who are here. We have men checking
the area for witnesses, other suspects and the like. We need to question those who were here.

LOUISE
I understand.

BRETT
What time did you get here?

LOUISE
I came early to help Frank. It must have been . . . twenty till ten.

GWYNN
Then you must have heard the shots.

LOUISE
Well, no. . . . Frank sent me out to get some things for the party.

BRETT
What things?

LOUISE
Party hats.

BRETT
You went out for party hats at nearly ten o'clock on New Year's Eve?

LOUISE
Well, there's a store on the corner. . . . it was closed though. I looked around for another, but no
luck. I got back in time to come up with the others.

GWYNN
Others. . . The same people who are here now?

LOUISE
All except for Florence, Mr. Barlow, and that Gravensky woman.

BRETT
Miss Bancroft, do you notice anything unusual about the table?
 33

LOUISE
The table? Why no . . .
(intake of breath.)
. . . party hats!

BRETT
Curiouser and curiouser, wouldn't you say Miss Bancroft?

LOUISE
Listen, I'm telling you the truth!

BRETT
Now I'll tell one!

GWYNN
Let's get back on track, Feeney.
(to LOUISE.)
Where do you work?

LOUISE
First Fidelity Bank. Just like Frank and the others.

BRETT
Been working there long?

LOUISE
One month. I'm a receptionist in accounting.

BRETT
Only one month and already playing footsie with the fair-haired boy. You work fast.

LOUISE
I resent that, detective. We had a good thing together. Frank was fun to be with. We were close,
you know?

BRETT
Yes, I'm sure you were. Where did you come from before you came to First Federal?

LOUISE
I . . . I grew up in Idaho.
 34

GWYNN
What brought you to New York?

LOUISE
I came . . . there was . . . a death in the family.

BRETT
And you just decided to stay?

LOUISE
There were . . . things to be done.

GWYNN
Come on, Brett, ease up.

BRETT
Okay, okay. So who didn't Jacobs get along with?

LOUISE
You have to understand, with so many banks closing recently, well, things are really competitive at
First Fidelity. I don't think anyone ever came to blows.

GWYNN
Just one big happy family?

LOUISE
Well, with all these extra bank holidays, and the other problems, morale is a problem right now. This
party was supposed to help with that.

BRETT
Was Mr. Jacobs concerned with the morale of his bank?

LOUISE
He was very concerned. Many of his co-workers came to him for advice and help. Several times, I
saw friends repaying small loans he had made them.

BRETT
Quite a prince, your Frank.

GWYNN
Don't be snide, Feeney. Any friends in particular, Miss Bancroft?

LOUISE
Well, a lot of the people in there. It was kind of funny, though.

BRETT
 35
What was funny?

LOUISE
Well, I saw Margot Vincent apparently paying back a loan. I never would have thought she needed
the money. She's pretty well off. Her husband died last year and left her a bundle. At least that's
what I heard.

GWYNN
And you saw her give money to Jacobs?

LOUISE
(Nods.)
Frank said she was just repaying a loan. No, wait. I think he actually said she was paying a debt.

GWYNN
But you don't know what this debt was?

LOUISE
No. He never said.

BRETT
When you saw Jacobs earlier, did you see anyone else here?

LOUISE
No, Frank was alone. He did seem pre-occupied but I thought it was the party.

BRETT
What do you know about these?
(shows three payment envelopes)

LOUISE
I don't recognize them.

GWYNN
Where did you get those?

BRETT
Jacobs's coat pocket. Still don't recognize them?

LOUISE
No, I don't.
(BRETT hands envelopes to GWYNN to inspect.)

GWYNN
Do you have anything else to add to what you've told us?

LOUISE
 36
No.

BRETT
Sergeant!

BELL
(At door left)
Yes, Sir.

BRETT
See Miss Bancroft to the kitchen.
(To LOUISE)
We may want to speak to you again in a few minutes.

BELL
(To LOUISE as they exit)
Do you know how the coffee pot works?
(They exit left)

BRETT
What do you think?

GWYNN
Jacobs had something going. A good bit of money here, and perfumed envelopes.
 37

BRETT
Okay, okay. What about Miss Bancroft for the killer?

GWYNN
Possible. I don't know. She looks familiar to me. I can't put my finger on it. There's just something
about her that doesn't fit. We only have her word that she left the building when Jacobs sent her out
for party favors.

BRETT
Shall we talk to the president now?

GWYNN
Hoover?

BRETT
The bank president.

GWYNN
Okay.
(Opens door right, NATASHA's voice heard.)

NATASHA
..and the Tsar was dead, so the cook smuggled us out of the city in a potato wagon. I thought I
would never get the smell out of my.....

GWYNN
(Talking over NATASHA)
Mr. Del..vecchio is it?

DELVECCHIO
(Entering, right)
Abraham Delvecchio.
(The door closes with NATASHA still talking.)

BRETT
You're the president of......

DELVECCHIO
First Fidelity Bank.

BRETT
You are the employer of Frank Jacobs?

DELVECCHIO
Yes. Frankly, Detective Finney. . . .
 38
BRETT
Feeney.

DELVECCHIO
Frankly, I'm surprised that you detained us here. Shouldn't you be out catching the killer?

BRETT
We're doing our best, Sir. We really must question those who found the body, though.

DELVECCHIO
Hmmph. Did I tell you that Chief Willoughby is an old friend?

BRETT
Yes, Sir, and believe me, the chief himself would want me to ask you these questions.

DELVECCHIO
Well, if you have to. . . . Let's get it over with.

GWYNN
Tell us about Frank Jacobs.

DELVECCHIO
There's not much to tell. He was one of my chief tellers, fairly bright, and competent in what he
does.

BRETT
Did he have a future in banking?

DELVECCHIO
I don't know if I have a future these days. Maybe when Mr. Roosevelt takes office . . . anyway,
Frank was quite ambitious, but lacked any real drive or substance, if you know what I mean.

GWYNN
What about enemies?

DELVECCHIO
I do encourage competition among my employees; it keeps them sharp. I certainly don't encourage
violence, but I never noticed Frank making any really big waves either. On the other hand.......
(troubled pause)

BRETT
Go on.
 39

DELVECCHIO
Well, he did consider himself something of a ladies' man. It did cause talk on occasion.

GWYNN
Did you have personal knowledge of any of his indiscretions?

DELVECCHIO
Well, no, not really. Just the sort of things you hear, you know? I mean . . . nothing.

BRETT
Was there anything at the bank, some unusual dealings, that may have led to Jacobs's death?

DELVECCHIO
(Indignant)
I'll have you know, Detective Finster, we are only concerned with ethical business dealings at First
Fidelity Bank. Our customers expect the very highest level of integrity and service. We are a bastion
of fiduciary and financial responsibility in these troubled times. No taint of pecuniary misconduct has
ever been sustained against our establishment.

BRETT
Is that a no?

GWYNN
I think so. Mr. Delvecchio, whose idea was this party tonight?

DELVECCHIO
I'm not sure who brought up the original idea, it seemed a good one for morale purposes.

BRETT
Why weren't you having it at your place?

DELVECCHIO
Now that was Frank's idea. He felt his apartment would be less imposing.

BRETT
I don't know, this is an awfully nice apartment for a teller.

DELVECCHIO
I never really noticed. Maybe he had some family money.

GWYNN
You arrived with the others?
 40

DELVECCHIO
We all walked in at about the same time. We rode up in the elevator together.

GWYNN
What time was that?

DELVECCHIO
The elevator arrived at precisely ten o'clock.

BRETT
Where were you previously?

DELVECCHIO
My wife and I dined at Santorini's restaurant just up the street. We got there at . . . eight thirty.

GWYNN
And you arrived here at the apartment at ten?

DELVECCHIO
Frank insisted on punctuality. Quite a reasonable request.

BRETT
So your wife can vouch for your whereabouts, and you for hers?

DELVECCHIO
I resent your tone, Finckle. My wife and I are not suspects for you to bully. I've given you amply of
our time, now please let us return home.

BRETT
As soon as we ask your wife a few questions.

DELVECCHIO
My wife has nothing to do with this. She was with me.

GWYNN
Then you have nothing to worry about. Please allow us to do our job. You can wait in the kitchen
until we finish. The sergeant will see to your needs. Sergeant!

DELVECCHIO
(As BELL opens door left)
The Chief AND the Mayor will hear about this! I've given my cooperation......
(voice trails away as he exits left)
 41

GWYNN
What happened to mean cop?

BRETT
Give me a break. I got all the grief I need. Go ahead and call the wife.
(Gwynn opens door, right. Sound of NATASHA speaking again.)

NATASHA
As I was telling the prince, apricot is the very rarest color, but they're very high strung. I must be
allowed to go home and see about her. She has had a terrible shock! . . .

GWYNN
(Speaking over the above.)
Mrs. Delvecchio?

CELESTE
(Entering with hesitation)
Yes, detective?

GWYNN
We'd like your statement now, if we may.

CELESTE
I'm afraid I don't know anything. My husband brought me to the party. I hardly knew Mr. Jacobs.

BRETT
Just tell us what happened, in your own words.

CELESTE
What did Abe tell you?

BRETT
He gave us his statement, now we'd like yours.

GWYNN
Take your time.

CELESTE
Well, we arrived downstairs together, some of the others were already in the lobby, waiting to come
up.

GWYNN
Who was there?

CELESTE
Oh, the same ones you saw when you got here, except for the Russian lady. You know, I think she
 42
really believes she's Grand Duchess Anastasia.

BRETT
How well did you know these people?

CELESTE
Oh, not at all well. I don't really know any of them. They all work for my husband. Oh, that girl
Louise came in just as the elevator came down. She said something about having gone to a store.
Of course, all the stores are closed now for New Year's, but that's what she said.

BRETT
Has Mr. Delvecchio mentioned anything to you about trouble at the bank? Anything at all?

CELESTE
I'm sure I don't have to tell you how tense the entire banking community has been the last couple of
years. So far as I know, First Fidelity is quite solvent. Of course, Abe has been working late several
nights a week, and he hasn't been able to take me to lunch in quite a while. I think it's just awful
when . . .

GWYNN
Did you know Frank Jacobs well?

CELESTE
Oh,... of . . . course not, I told you, I hardly know any of them. I told Abe we should have had the
party at home. He said Frank had it all in hand and that it would be better all around. I had heard
that Frank was a good employee and had a promising future.

BRETT
(Holding up envelopes)
Do you recognize any of these?

CELESTE
Of course not. Such garish colors. Only a trollop would use such stationery.

BRETT
Do you have anything else to add?

CELESTE
No. I think this whole thing is dreadful and I would like for Abe to take me home now.

GWYNN
We'll let you go as soon as we can. Perhaps, for now a cup of tea would make you feel better.
Sergeant!

BELL
(Opens door left)
Yes, Ma'am,.. Sir?
 43

GWYNN
Escort Mrs. Delvecchio into the kitchen and see that she gets some tea.
(To CELESTE)
Sergeant Bell will take care of you.

BELL
(As he approaches CELESTE, BELL trips slightly over radio cord.)
Sorry, didn't see that. Say, what's this?
(Picks up newspaper clipping and hands it to BRETT)
Come along, Madam.
(BRETT glances at clipping and places it on clipboard or folder.)

CELESTE
(Exiting left)
Thank you, young man. Bell, that's not an Irish name is it?

GWYNN
That was fun. When are you going to start "mean cop" again?

BRETT
I can't very well bully them if they really do know the Chief, can I?

GWYNN
Probably not. Who's next?

BRETT
I hate to suggest it, but we'd better see the Gravensky woman. The rest of them will have us up on
charges for brutality if we leave her in there any longer.

GWYNN
Okay, if you say so.
(She opens door, right, to more of NATASHA's speaking.)

NATASHA
I tell you, you just can't know how difficult it is being the only surviving relative of the . . .

GWYNN
(Cutting her off.)
Mrs. Gravensky! We would like to see you now.

NATASHA
(Still off.)
Pardon me while I speak to these people.
(Entering, right)
I really must protest this. I must get back to my darling Fifi. She is devastated. She was so close to
that dear man. And for her to find him, like that!
 44

BRETT
Mrs. Gravensky, please tell us how you found Mr. Jacobs.

NATASHA
It was Fifi, I told you. She was a bad girl. She got away this afternoon, and I have been searching
for her. I heard her barking and making the most distressing noises. I came around the corner of the
hallway and there she was, outside the janitor's closet. Inside was poor Mr. Jacobs.

GWYNN
Did you see anyone else in the hall?

NATASHA
As soon as Fifi saw me she ran to the elevator door. Barking all the way. It was just closing. It
almost nipped off her poor nose.

BRETT
Maybe the police department could use a dog like that.

GWYNN
Do you think we're ready for an apricot poodle?

NATASHA
It's the very rarest color, you know. They're very high strung. Poor Fifi was so upset. And her
collar was missing.

GWYNN/BRETT
Her collar?

NATASHA
Her lovely collar that the Queen of Austria gave her. She was inconsolable.

BRETT
The Queen?

NATASHA
No, poor Fifi.
 45

BRETT
Was it valuable, this collar?

NATASHA
Well, yes, it was valuable. I mean, in a sentimental way, of course. And it did look very pretty, gems
all over it. But only paste of course.

GWYNN
Getting back to the murder. Did you see anything else you can tell us about?

BRETT
Anyone else in the hallway? Did you hear the shots?

NATASHA
I'm so sorry. There was nothing. I had just been calling Fifi in the stairwell. I heard nothing until
Fifi barked.

BRETT
Did you know Mr. Jacobs well?

NATASHA
We spoke sometimes. He was fond of my Fifi.

BRETT
Do you know anything of his social life?

NATASHA
I travel so much, you see? Why I've just returned from Paris. There are so many of my countrymen
gathered there.

GWYNN
Frank Jacobs' social life?

NATASHA
Oh, well, visitors night and day, especially at night. Young ladies, you know? I believe Mr. Jacobs
was what you call a playboy. Lately that Miss Bancroft has thrown herself at him. My late mother
would not have approved. Nor would she have approved of Mr. Jacobs visits to "that man" upstairs.
That Barlow person seems to have several male visitors . . . if you get my meaning.
(BRETT and GWYNN exchange look, raised eyebrows.)

GWYNN
Frank Jacobs visited him often?
 46

NATASHA
Well, he said it was to make him stop that infernal racket on the tuba - but, perhaps it was just an
excuse to . . .

BRETT
Mrs. Gravensky, please, just the facts. Now, why were you at his suite earlier this evening?

NATASHA
This evening I had stopped in to thank him for inviting me to his party. Of course, when this Mrs.
Delvecchio called on him . . .

GWYNN
Really? Are you sure it was Mrs. Delvecchio?

NATASHA
Of course. She brushed right past me. She was very rude. Poor breeding, I suppose.

BRETT
Did you hear what they said to one another?

NATASHA
A woman of my station certainly does not eavesdrop on others. Besides, I was searching for my Fifi.

BRETT
Do you recall hearing any arguments lately? Raised voices?

NATASHA
Just high spirits, maybe. I have spoken to the doorman about some of the characters that have been
coming up lately. Not the best sort, I'm afraid.

BRETT
We'll have Sergeant Bell speak to the doorman before we leave.

GWYNN
Please allow Sergeant Bell to accompany you to the kitchen. Perhaps a cup of tea with the others?
Sergeant!

NATASHA
I really must be allowed to tend to my Fifi. She is distraught.
(Bell enters)
 47

BRETT
It will just be a little longer, madam. I must insist.
Another customer for you Sergeant Bell. See if Officer Mulrooney has finished with the doorman's
statement. Tell him I'd like to have him question a Mrs. Simpson in 214.

BELL
Yes, Sir. Come along, ma'am.
(They exit left, NATASHA still talking)

NATASHA
(To BRETT)
You will let me know if dear Fifi's collar is found, won't you?
(To BELL)
Do you know, you look a lot like King George. In his Royal Navy uniform, I mean. . . .

BRETT
What about bringing in the rest all together? Except for the housekeeper. We can bring her and the
Barlow character in last. Otherwise we'll be here forever. It is New Year's Eve.

GWYNN
Suits me.
(Opens door right)
Let's have the rest of you in here, except for Mrs. Bennett and Mr. Barlow.
(MARGOT, FLETCHER, KATHERINE file in and find seats.)

FLORENCE
(Off)
How long do you expect us to stay in here?

GWYNN
(Still at door)
Not much longer. We always save the best for last.

GWYNN
(Pauses by each woman momentarily then crosses to BRETT)
Let me see the envelopes, Feeney.

BRETT
Here they are.
(Hands them over.)
 48

GWYNN
(Crosses back to MARGOT)
I believe this is yours.
(Hands her one envelope)
And this is yours.
(Hands other one to KATHERINE, MARGOT takes hers
and looks at it, stunned, KATHERINE drops hers on the
floor. One is left in GWYNN's hand)
Go ahead, pick it up.

BRETT
Are you sure about that?

GWYNN
There's no mistake. Perfumed women, perfumed envelopes.

BRETT
(To MARGOT)
What were you paying Jacobs for?

MARGOT
It was . . . just a loan. I was repaying him.

BRETT
How much of a loan?

MARGOT
Ten thousand in all.

BRETT
(Whistles.)
Ten thousand is "just a loan?" That's a pretty big loan in my book.

MARGOT
Well, to a policeman, I suppose it is. We considered it just a friendly loan.

BRETT
(To KATHERINE.)
And what kind of loan were you paying off?

KATHERINE
Oh, what's the use. You'll find out sooner or later anyway. Frank was a leech. He liked to ferret out
little secrets on people and make them pay. This was supposed to have been my last payment.

GWYNN
What did he have on you?
 49

KATHERINE
A . . . an indiscretion. It doesn't matter, does it?

BRETT
It may.
(To MARGOT)
Do you still stick to your story?

MARGOT
All right, Frank Jacobs was a filthy blackmailer.

GWYNN
He blackmailed both of you?

MARGOT
There were others. A lot of people from the office, a few city officials. Nobody big.

GWYNN
What did he have on you?

MARGOT
I'd rather not say.

BRETT
You may have to. Mrs. Bennett said you were here when she left. And this Jarman character.

MARGOT
I didn't see anyone except Frank, I just gave him his envelope. Someone else came while I was here.

GWYNN
What did you do?

MARGOT
I hid in the bedroom. I heard them talking, but I couldn't tell who it was.

KATHERINE
I guess it was me. I brought him my payment also. He threatened to make a scene at the party. I
had to hide too.

BRETT
Where?

KATHERINE
The bedroom.

BRETT
 50
(BRETT and GWYNN exchange looks.)
And you didn't see each other?

MARGOT
No.

GWYNN
So, who was the new arrival?

KATHERINE
It sounded like Louise. Frank's new "girlfriend." He got rid of her, and I left.

MARGOT
So did I.

BRETT
So the three of you, and this "Jarman" were the last to see Jacobs alive.
(Turns to FLETCHER)
Where were you when all of this was happening?

FLETCHER
I was waiting in the coffee shop downstairs for Katherine. She was my date,. . . . I thought. She
came in just before Margot did, and we waited for the Delvecchios.

GWYNN
So none of you can really alibi each other.

BRETT
Jacobs was in pretty deep, it seems.

FLETCHER
There's more, I'm afraid.

BRETT
What's that?

FLETCHER
Well, I was supposed to talk to Frank at the party. There were some discrepancies in the books. He
said he could explain. I was going to give him the chance to do it tonight or else I'd tell Mr.
Delvecchio.

BRETT
Maybe you found out about the blackmail and decided he didn't deserve the chance.

FLETCHER
That's not true, I. . . .
 51
BELL
(Opening door left, still off)
Come in here.
(Entering, to Detectives.)
Look what I found in the hallway, Detective.
(Shoves SNAKE into room, SNAKE is in police uniform)

GWYNN
Well, well. Going to a costume party, Snake?

SNAKE
Yes, yes I am. That's it.
(Throughout the following, SNAKE glances nervously at the bomb/radio.)

BRETT
Do you know this person, Jackson?

GWYNN
Yes indeed. We go way back. If I'm not mistaken, we have several outstanding warrants for Mr.
Harold Etheridge Jarman, alias "Snake," alias "Boomer."

BRETT
This must be the elusive Mr. Jarman, then. Mrs. Bennett said "reptilian." Have a seat there Mr.
Jarman.
(SNAKE sits near the radio, nervously.)
 52

BELL
(Handing GWYNN some papers.)
Here are the interviews of the doorman and the Simpson woman.

GWYNN
Very good, Sergeant.
(To SNAKE)
Now, Snake, do you want to tell us why you're here?

SNAKE
I'm supposed to see Mr. Jacobs.

BRETT
Jacobs is indisposed. I suppose we'll have to do.

SNAKE
(Tries to leave)
I'll come back later.

BELL
Sit down, the detectives aren't through with you.
(SNAKE remains standing, nervous.)

GWYNN
Yes, stay awhile Snake. What's your hurry?

SNAKE
The party, I need to get to the party.

BRETT
Why, we're having our own party right here. Sergeant, check on our other guests.
(BELL exits left)
Sit down Jarman.
(Indicates chair near radio, SNAKE sits nervously and remains jumpy.)

FLORENCE
(Entering abruptly door right with KENNY, KENNY is holding flask.)
I'm not waiting any longer. Oh, Mr. Jarman, there you are. You're a policeman?

BRETT
Mr. Jarman appears to be a man of many faces, Mrs. Bennett. Was he a friend of Mr. Jacobs'?
(SNAKE checks his watch, listens for ticking.)
 53

FLORENCE
He was an acquaintance.
(Agitated)
Whatever are you doing with Frank's watch? That watch was precious to Mr. Jacobs.

GWYNN
(Takes watch from SNAKE's hand. Eyes him suspiciously)
Where did you get it, Jarman?

SNAKE
He loaned it to me. I was bringing it back. What time is it?

BRETT
Quarter to twelve. What's the problem?

FLETCHER
Maybe he's about to turn into a pumpkin.

SNAKE
Let me out of here!
(Opens door left, BELL stops him, they struggle. Curtain)

End Act 2

(Two more "audience" bombs found and prizes awarded

during intermission. Announcement of question period and
impending final solutions.)

Act III

AT RISE: SNAKE is sitting in chair, nervous, watching the

radio with fascination, BELL's hand is on his shoulder. All
suspects are present. BRETT is examining radio, holding up
end of electric cord to show SNAKE.

TIME: 10+ minutes later.

BRETT
What time did you say you set this for?

SNAKE
(Resigned sigh)
Twelve midnight.

BRETT
Right now it says eleven forty-five. What do you think of that?
 54

SNAKE
Impossible. That's when I was supposed to arrive and . . .
(Looks around in shock.)

GWYNN
Quite a party Jacobs was planning. Burn all his bridges at once, including one named Snake Jarman.

SNAKE
That can't be true. He said . . . and . . .

BRETT
He double-crossed you.

SNAKE
So I see. That dirty rotten . . .

BRETT
Maybe you'd like to come clean with us now.

SNAKE
(Sullen)
I don't know nothing about nothing, copper.

BRETT
Right. Now I'll tell one. Just like you knew nothing about this bomb.

GWYNN
What kind of business did you have with Mr. Jacobs?

BRETT
(In SNAKE's face.)
Let me have him. A few minutes in the back room and he'll spill his guts.

SNAKE
What is it, your turn at mean cop?
(BRETT jerks back.)

GWYNN
(To BRETT)
I told you I did it better.
(To SNAKE)
Go on, you were saying about Jacobs . . .

SNAKE
Like you said, just business . . . and social.
 55
GWYNN
Business?

BRETT
Social?

SNAKE
You know. Buy, sell, do some favors back and forth.

BRETT
What sort of favors? What did he buy?

SNAKE
Oh, odd things sometimes. I remember one time I brought him a gross of fake jade pendants.
(Shock from pendant owners.)

GWYNN
Why did Jacobs need the bombs?

BRETT
Talk. It'll go easier with you.

GWYNN
We know you knew about it. You had to. You had the know how.

SNAKE
Okay, okay. It was like you said before. He wanted to cover his tracks. People were getting on to
him. He said he was going to start over somewhere else. He thought no one would ever miss his
body in all the mess he left behind.

GWYNN
I understand our associates downstairs have uncovered Frank's surprises for that party.

SNAKE
How many?

BELL
Four.

SNAKE
There's one more. A large one.

BRETT
What time is it set for?

SNAKE
Same as this was, twelve midnight.
 56

GWYNN
Since it hasn't gone off yet, Jacobs must not have tampered with it.
(Looks at clock.)
Where is it?

(SNAKE motions officers to huddle with him. He whispers

to them. BELL exits left abruptly.)

DELVECCHIO
I must protest this. You are risking all our lives needlessly by forcing us to remain here on your
whim.

BRETT
Oh, we have plenty of time. I'm sure that Officer Bell can handle it, with Mr. Jarman's invaluable
help. Perhaps, though, a speedy solution to the murder of Frank Jacobs would allow us all to leave
this place in a timely manner. On the off chance that Officer Bell were to fail, that is.

GWYNN
Well, let's get a move on. Who wants to confess first. Speak up, we don't have much time.

BRETT
Wait a minute, I'm mean cop.

GWYNN
Sorry. I couldn't help it.

FLORENCE
Well, I think Mr. Jarman did it. He had Frank's watch!

GWYNN
It's Frank now, is it? You may be right. However, if only Snake and Jacobs knew that Snake was to
return, why would he risk coming back if he knew Jacobs was dead? It's just as likely to be you, at
least until your Mrs. Simpson verifies your story.

BRETT
How about you, Mr. Delvecchio? You're eager to get this over with. Didn't you have reason to
dispense with Frank Jacobs' services . . . permanently?
 57

DELVECCHIO
You're raving, Detective Finch. Frank Jacobs was a valuable employee.

BRETT
I'm sure. But did you know that your wife had visited Mr. Jacobs this evening?

DELVECCHIO
That's preposterous. Who told you that?

GWYNN
She was seen here. Were you also aware that Jacobs was tampering with your books?

DELVECCHIO
How can you know these things?

GWYNN
Your accountant, Fletcher, told us of the discrepancies. He was planning to confront Jacobs here
tonight before coming to you.

BRETT
Maybe you already knew.

GWYNN
I think you did. Here, this was yours, I believe.
(Hands him the last envelope.)
Looks like Frank had something on everyone.

DELVECCHIO
No, that's not right. What makes you think this is mine? You can't prove it!

BRETT
How do you know it's his?

GWYNN
Bay Rum!

KENNY
So Delvecchio and his wife had motives.

GWYNN
(To CELESTE.)
Do both of you still insist you were together in the restaurant?
 58

CELESTE
Yes.

DELVECCHIO
Naturally. You can't prove any of this.

BRETT
And of course neither of you will testify against the other, and our time here is fast running out.
Were all of you being blackmailed by Jacobs?

CELESTE
Be reasonable Detective. Surely you don't suspect one of us.
(Indicates everyone but KENNY, FLORENCE and SNAKE.)
Perhaps you should question this Kenny creature. He obviously is an outsider.

BRETT
And what motive would you suggest he "obviously" has?

CELESTE
Start with HIS jade pendant. I don't think he got it at "bank night" at the cinema. And, I doubt it
was a gift from a lady, since he seems not to like them very much!

GWYNN
Just what are you inferring, Mrs. Delvecchio, that he's not much of a ladies' man?

CELESTE
(With a laugh.)
Oh, definitely. He seems to be much more of a "man's man".

BRETT
Well, Mr. Barlow, you have been rather quiet. Just how well did you know the deceased?

CELESTE
And just how did you get that pendant?

KENNY
Mr. Jacobs was just a casual acquaintance. He was a neighbor and nothing more.

MARGOT
Now I'll tell one.

BRETT
Was he blackmailing you too? Or was it just a lover's quarrel?

KENNY
It's not what it appears, Detective.
 59

BRETT
Just what was it?

KENNY
I'd rather not discuss it here, this isn't the place.

FLORENCE
Oh my, what a gentleman. Not one to kiss and tell, eh. Well, you certainly spent a lot of time
lurking about in the hallways. When you weren't blowing on that bloody great tuba, perhaps you
were hoping to get a chance to . . .

BRETT
That will be quite enough, Mrs. Bennett.

NATASHA
Oh dear! I came to America for a better life and look at all the sordid ugliness I find. Detective, this
is just all too gauche. I really think I should be allowed to return to my apartment to comfort my
poor Fifi . . .

KENNY
I think not, "Countess". Perhaps the detective would be interested in this.
(Pulls out dog collar, police go for guns.)

NATASHA
Fifi's collar. Where did you get it?

KENNY
I took it off her myself. Rather a valuable burden for a small dog to carry.

GWYNN
Excuse me . . . just what is going on here?
(Takes collar.)

NATASHA
You should arrest this man. Obviously he kidnapped my darling Fifi. She was missing all afternoon.

BRETT
We're not interested in dognapping. We're here to solve a murder!

KENNY
And I'm here to solve a multi-million dollar jewel smuggling operation.
(Assorted gasps and "what's".)

KENNY
If I may.
(Reaches towards jacket.)
 60

BRETT
Hold on there.

KENNY
I'm merely reaching for I.D., and a letter. I work for Interpol. This letter is my commission. I have
been watching this woman for months. She is a jewelry smuggler. Her real name is Mabel Schwarz,
from Bayonne, New Jersey. Look at the stones in the collar.

GWYNN
(Looking at stones in collar.)
Jumping Jehosaphat! These look like the real thing!

NATASHA
You are mistaken. Paste, I tell you they are paste!

GWYNN
(Scraping collar against drinking glass.)
No, Countess. Paste diamonds don't cut glass. So, Mr. Barlow, or whatever your name is, you're
saying this has all been a cover? You weren't "seeing" Mr. Jacobs?

KENNY
Heavens no! I used the excuse of not "caring for women" to keep the Countess away from me.
When I first moved in she went on and on with her outrageous lies and her precious Fifi. Once I
knew I couldn't get any valuable information from her, I invented the ploy so I could have breathing
room and still keep her under observation. She must have seen some of the other operatives
reporting to my room. That didn't hurt my cover either. Anyway, I just figured out the dodge with
the collar today and I pinched it to be sure.

CELESTE
Then how do you explain the pendant?

KENNY
Actually it was a gift from a young girl. I used to talk to her in the elevator as she was coming up to
see Jacobs. She was a teller at your bank. She had been engaged to Jacobs and he dumped her. I
ran into her just after he told her. Poor kid, she was really broken up over it. I had admired the
pendant, it was supposed to be too valuable to throw away, so she gave it to me. Why are you so
interested?

CELESTE
Oh, I . . . oh nothing. It's just rather unusual. I've never seen one quite like it.

GWYNN
Getting back to the Countess. Are you saying that Jacobs might have found out about her
smuggling, tried to blackmail her, and she killed him?

KENNY
 61
I don't think so. She usually just packs up and leaves when someone suspects. It's happened before.
That's how I got onto her in Marseilles.

FLORENCE
You mean she's not Anastasia?

KENNY
Not even close. She's obviously too old, for one thing.

BRETT
So who's left? Mr. Davidson? Miss Hill?

GWYNN
It just came to me. I knew Margot Vincent seemed familiar. Remember Miss Bancroft mentioned
her husband's death? Wasn't there something about a boating accident?

MARGOT
(Huffy)
Yes, there was an accident! My husband was killed.
(Over play grief here, sniff, cloud up.)

FLORENCE
He "slipped", didn't he, Miss? I seem to remember Mr. Jacobs reading the article out loud. It seems
he found it rather amusing at the time. I can't imagine why.

MARGOT
The inquest found it to be an accidental death. Nobody proved anything to the contrary.

KATHERINE
Accidental death pays off nicely, doesn't it dear?

FLETCHER
Well, there certainly was nothing accidental about Frank's death. That is what we're discussing, isn't
it Katherine?

KATHERINE
Well Mr. Perfect, since we're discussing Frank's not-so-accidental death, I guess you're rather lucky,
aren't you? There's one less obstacle between you and that vice presidency? Now that Reynolds and
Frank have both met with misfortune, I bet you hear opportunity just a knocking on your door.

FLETCHER
Why should I kill the man? I had something on Frank, and he was already planning to kill us all.
And Katherine surely wouldn't . . .

DELVECCHIO
Please, all of you! I am appalled at all of you! we are civilized human beings. Let's remember that
and try to act accordingly.
 62

MARGOT
I agree with Abrah. . . I mean Mr. Delvecchio.

KATHERINE
We were sure you would, darling.

MARGOT
Oh please! You self-righteous little . . .

BRETT
ENOUGH ladies! This is all very amusing and educational but it is getting us nowhere. There seems
to be enough petty jealousy and hatred here for a multitude of murders.

GWYNN
But maybe it was a crime of love.

BRETT
Oh yes, someone just loved a couple of thirty-eight caliber holes straight through him. What are you
talking about?

GWYNN
Who's the one person here who professes to love Frank Jacobs.
(Everyone looks at LOUISE. There is a pause, LOUISE
looks uncomfortable but doesn't say a word.)
Remember I said she looked familiar but I couldn't quite place her?

BRETT
Yeah.

KATHERINE
It's odd, but I thought the same thing.

GWYNN
C'mon Brett, remember the case, Campbell?

FLORENCE
The soup kids?

BRETT
No, I . . . wait. The kid that washed up in East River. They figured she jumped from Brooklyn
Bridge.
(Everyone still studying LOUISE, thinking.)

FLETCHER
The secretary in accounting. The one who . . .
 63
LOUISE
The one who jumped. That's right.

GWYNN
She was your sister.

BRETT
Barlow's girl in the elevator was the girl who jumped. And the girl who jumped was your sister.

LOUISE
She didn't jump. She was pushed, or maybe thrown. Either way, Frank was responsible.

KATHERINE
But you loved Frank!

LOUISE
I hated him. I hated everything he stood for. Josie Campbell was MY sister. Frank ruined her. She
died over him. He wasn't worth the dirt it took to bury her in Potter's Field.

FLORENCE
But how could you? You and he.....

LOUISE
Were an item? My skin crawled every time he came near me. I was trying to get evidence against
him. Prove what he did to my sister, and all you others.

BRETT
Your voice! You made the phone calls.

LOUISE
Tonight I saw all of them, bringing their blood money. Making their sacrifices to Frank Jacobs'
greed. I knew there was only one way to stop it.

GWYNN
You didn't leave after all.
 64

BRETT
That's right. The doorman never saw you leave.

LOUISE
I told him I was going after the stupid hats. I hid in the janitor's closet down the hall. I saw the
others leave his apartment, one at a time, like clowns out of a clown car. I came back, opened the
door, and shot him in his own hallway.

GWYNN
Like hog killing time on the farm.

LOUISE
Being raised on a farm has its advantages. It was just like any other dirty job. But it was one I had
to do!

BRETT
Because you hated him so much?

GWYNN
No, because she loved her sister that much.

LOUISE
You know what's really funny? tonight Frank told me I'd be the life of the party. What a joke.

BRETT
You should have come to the police. Now we've got a really dirty mess to straighten out. All in all,
though, some folks can start the new year off a little easier in mind.

SNAKE
This is all very touching, but we don't have much time left.

BRETT
Don't worry, Snake. We've got it all under control.

SNAKE
Now why doesn't that make me feel all relieved?

BRETT
I'm still saving that back room for you. For now, we'd better get back to the ballroom. We've got
some unfinished business. That last bomb.
(Stepping down to audience.)
It's almost midnight, ladies and gentleman. You're perfectly safe. We might as well finish out the old
year. All together now, let's count it down. 10..9..8..7..6..
(Ball lowers from ceiling. Counting continues as Gwynn interrupts. Loudly)

GWYNN
 65
What about the other bomb?

BRETT
Oh that.
(Stops the ball's descent.)
It's right here. It can't go off until it hits the floor. Happy New Year!

End of play