Secrets Pilots Wont Tell You

Think you know what happens when you fly? Think again. By Michelle Crouch from Reader's Digest .

We asked 17 pilots from across the country to give us straight answers about maddening safety rules, inexplicable delays, the air and attitudes up thereand what really happens behind the cockpit door. What they told us will change the way you fly. We miss the peanuts too. -US Airways pilot, South Carolina What You Dont Want to Know Im constantly under pressure to carry less fuel than Im comfortable with. Airlines are always looking at the bottom line, and you burn fuel carrying fuel. Sometimes if you carry just enough fuel and you hit thunderstorms or delays, then suddenly youre running out of gas and you have to go to an alternate airport. -Captain at a major airline Sometimes the airline wont give us lunch breaks or even time to eat. We have to delay flights just so we can get food. -First

officer on a regional carrier

We tell passengers what they need to know. We dont tell them things that are going to scare the pants off them. So youll never hear me say, Ladies and gentlemen, we just had an engine failure, even if thats true. -Jim Tilmon, retired

American Airlines pilot, Phoenix

The Department of Transportation has put such an emphasis on on-time performance that we pretty much arent allowed to delay a flight anymore, even if there are 20 people on a connecting flight thats coming in just a little late. -

Commercial pilot, Charlotte, North Carolina

The truth is, were exhausted. Our work rules allow us to be on duty 16 hours without a break. Thats m any more hours than a truck driver. And unlike a truck driver, who can pull over at the next rest stop, we cant pull over at the next cloud. -Captain at a major airline What We Want You to Know Some FAA rules dont make sense to us either. Like the fact that when were at 39,000 feet going 400 miles an hour, in a plane that could hit turbulence at any minute, [flight attendants] can walk around and serve hot coffee and Chateaubriand. But when were on the ground on a flat piece of asphalt going five to ten miles an hour, theyve got to be buckled in like theyre at NASCAR. -Jack Stephan, US

Airways captain based in Annapolis, Maryland, who has been flying since 1984
The two worst airports for us: Reagan National in Washington, D.C., and John Wayne in Orange County, California. Youre flying by the seat of your pants trying to get in and out of those airports. John Wayne is especially bad because the rich folks who live near the airport dont like jet noise, so they have this noise abatement procedure where you basically have to turn the plane into a ballistic missile as soon as youre airborne. -Pilot, South Carolina At some airports with really short runways, youre not going to have a smooth landing no matter how good we are: John Wayne Airport; Jackson Hole, Wyoming; Chicago Midway; and Reagan National. -Joe DEon, a pilot at a major airline

who produces a podcast at flywithjoe.com

I may be in uniform, but that doesnt mean Im the best person to ask for directions in the airport. Were in so many airports that we usually have no idea. -Pilot for a regional

carrier, Charlotte, North Carolina

This happens all the time: Well be in Pittsburgh going to Philly, and there will be a weather delay. The weather in Pittsburgh is beautiful. Then Ill hear passengers saying, You know, I just called my friend in Philly, and its beautiful there too, like theres some kind of conspiracy or something. But in the airspace between Pittsburgh and Philly theres a huge thunderstorm. -Jack Stephan You may go to an airline website and buy a ticket, pull up to its desk at the curb, and get onto an airplane that has a similar name painted on it, but half the time, youre really on a regional airline. The regionals arent held to the same safety standards as the majors: Their pilots arent required to have as much training and experience, and the public doesnt know that. -Captain at a major airline Most of the time, how you land is a good indicator of a pilots skill. So if you want to say something nice to a pilot as youre getting off the plane, say Nice landing. We do appreciate that. -Joe DEon No, its not your imagination: Airlines really have adjusted their flight arrival times so they can have a better record of on-time arrivals. So they might say a flight takes two hours when it really takes an hour and 45 minutes. -AirTran

Airways captain, Atlanta

When to Worry Its one thing if the pilot puts the seat belt sign on for the passengers. But if he tells the flight attendants to sit down, youd better listen. That means theres some serious turbulence ahead. -John Greaves, airline accident lawyer and former

airline captain, Los Angeles

Theres no such thing as a water landing. Its called crashing into the ocean. -Pilot, South Carolina A plane flies into a massive updraft, which you cant see on the radar at night, and its like hitting a giant speed bump at

500 miles an hour. It throws everything up in the air and then down very violently. Thats not the same as turbulence, which bounces everyone around for a while. -John Nance, aviation

safety analyst and retired airline captain, Seattle

Is traveling with a baby in your lap safe? No. Its extremely dangerous. If theres any impact or deceleration, theres a good chance youre going to lose hold of your kid, and he becomes a projectile. But the governments logic is that if we made you buy an expensive seat for your baby, youd just drive, and youre more likely to be injured driving than flying. -Patrick Smith When Not to Worry Pilots find it perplexing that so many people are afraid of turbulence. Its all but impossible for turbulence to cause a crash. We avoid turbulence not because were afraid the wing is going to fall off but because its annoying. -Patrick Smith People always ask, Whats the scariest thing thats ever happened to you? I tell them it was a van ride from the Los Angeles airport to the hotel, and Im not kidding. -Jack

Stephan

Ive been struck by lightning twice. Most pilots have. Airplanes are built to take it. You hear a big boom and see a big flash and thats it. Youre not going to fall out of the sky. -

Pilot for a regional carrier, Charlotte, North Carolina

We Dont Get It

Most of you wouldnt consider going down the highway at 60 miles an hour without your seat belt fastened. But when were hurtling through the air at 500 miles an hour and we turn off the seat belt sign, half of you take your seat belts off. But if we hit a little air pocket, your head will be on the ceiling. -

Captain at a major airline

If youre going to recline your seat, for Gods sake, please check behind you first. You have no idea how many laptops are broken every year by boorish passengers who slam their seat back with total disregard to whats going on behind them. -John Nance There is no safest place to sit. In one accident, the people in the back are dead; in the next, its the people up front. -John

Nance

Advice for Nervous Fliers The smoothest place to sit is often over or near the wing. The bumpiest place to sit is in the back. A plane is like a seesaw. If youre in the middle, you dont move as much. -Patrick Smith If youre a nervous flier, book a morning flight. The heating of the ground later causes bumpier air, and its much more likely to thunderstorm in the afternoon. -Jerry Johnson, pilot,

Los Angeles

What Really Drives Us Crazy Please dont complain to me about your lost bags or the rotten service or that the airline did this or that. My retirement was taken to help subsidize your $39 airfare. -

Pilot, South Carolina

Heres a news flash: Were not sitting in the cockpit listening to the ball game. Sometimes we can ask the controllers to go to their break room to check the score. But when I fly to Pittsburgh on a Sunday afternoon, the passengers send the flight attendants up at least ten times to ask us the Steelers score. -Commercial pilot, Charlotte, North Carolina I am so tired of hearing Oh my God, youre a girl pilot. When you see a black pilot, do you say Oh my God, youre a black pilot? -Pilot for a regional carrier

Those Silly Rules, Explained We dont make you stow your laptop because were worried about electronic interference. Its about having a projectile on your lap. I dont know about you, but I dont want to get hit in the head by a MacBook going 200 miles per hour. -Patrick

Smith

People dont understand why they cant use their cell phones. Well, what can happen is 12 people will decide to call someone just before landing, and I can get a false reading on my instruments saying that we are higher than we really are. -

Jim Tilmon

Were not trying to ruin your fun by making you take off your headphones. We just want you to be able to hear us if theres an emergency. -Patrick Smith We ask you to put up the window shade so the flight attendants can see outside in an emergency, to assess if one side is better for an evacuation. It also lets light into the cabin if it goes dark and helps passengers get oriented if the plane flips or rolls over. -Patrick Smith Its Not All Glamour Up in the Air When you get on that airplane at 7 a.m., you want your pilot to be rested and ready. But the hotels they put us in now are so bad that there are many nights when I toss and turn. Theyre in bad neighborhoods, theyre loud, theyve got bedbugs, and there have been stabbings in the parking lot. -

Jack Stephan

Those buddy passes they give us? I give them only to my enemies now. Sure, you can get a $1,000 airfare to Seattle for $100. But since you have to fly standby, it will take you three months to get back because you cant get a seat. -Pilot, South

Carolina

Heres a Little More Free Advice Cold on the airplane? Tell your flight attendant. Were in a constant battle with them over the temperature. Theyre moving all the time, up and down the aisles, so they are always calling and saying, Turn up the air. But most passengers I know are freezing. -Captain at a major carrier I always tell my kids to tr avel in sturdy shoes. If you have to evacuate and your flip-flops fall off, there you are standing on the hot tarmac or in the weeds in your bare feet. -Joe DEon Most people get sick after traveling not because of what they breathe but because of what they touch. Always assume that the tray table and the button to push the seat back have not been wiped down, though we do wipe down the lavatory. -

Patrick Smith

The general flow of air in any airplane is from front to back. So if youre really concerned about breathing the freshest possible air or not getting too hot, sit as close to the front as you can. Planes are generally warmest in the back. -Tech

pilot at a regional airline, Texas

I know pilots who spend a quarter million on their education and training, then that first year as a pilot, they qualify for food stamps. -Furloughed first officer, Texas Behind the Cockpit Door Do pilots sleep in there? Definitely. Sometimes its just a ten minute catnap, but it happens. -John Greaves People tend to think the airplane is just flying itself. Trust me, thats not true. It can fly by itself sometimes. But youve always got your hands on the controls waiting for it to mess up. And it does mess up. -Pilot, South Carolina One time I rode in the jump seat of a 747 freighter, which carries cargo, not passengers. As soon as the doors closed, the first officer went in back and put on a bathrobe and slippers.

No kidding. He said, Ill be damned if Im going to wear a tie for a bunch of boxes. -Tech pilot at a regional airline, Texas We dont wear our hats in the cockpit, by the way. On TV and in the Far Side comic, you always see these pilots with their hats on, and they have their headsets on over the hat, and that always makes us laugh. -Joe DEon Remember this before you complain about the cost of a ticket: Fares today are about the same as they were in the 1980s. -

Patrick Smith

A Parting Thought Heres the truth about airline jobs: You dont have as much time off as your neighbors think you have, you dont make as much money as your relatives think you make, and you dont have as many girlfriends as your wife thinks you have. Still, I cant believe they pay me to do this. -Commercial pilot,

Charlotte, North Carolina

Three Things Pilots Will Never Say Were heading into some thunderstorms. What theyll say instead: It looks like theres some weather [or rough air or rain showers] up ahead. One of our engines just failed. What theyll say instead: One of our engines is indicating improperly. (Or more likely, theyll say nothing, and youll never know the difference. Most planes fly fine with one engine down.) Well, folks, the visibility out there is zero. What theyll say instead: Theres some fog in the Washington area. Airline Lingo Blue juice: The water in the lavatory toilet. Theres no blue juice in the lav.

Crotch watch: The required check to make sure all passengers have their seat belts fastened. Also: groin scan. Crumb crunchers: Kids. Weve got a lot of crumb crunchers on this flight. Deadheading: When an airline employee flies as a passenger for company business. Gate lice: The people who gather around the gate right before boarding so they can be first on the plane. Oh, the gate lice are thick today. George: Autopilot. Ill let George take over. Landing lips: Female passengers put on their landing lips when they use their lipstick just before landing. Pax: Passengers. Spinners: Passengers who get on late and dont have a seat assignment, so they spin around looking for a seat. Two-for-once special: The plane touches down on landing, bounces up, then touches down again. Working the village: Working in coach.
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