Dealing with Difficult, Argumentative People And Yourself

By Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D. MFT

You try to get a word in edgewise. Everything that comes out of your mouth is met with an
argument. Whatever you say is met with negativity and denial. You ask your kids to do something and
they always seem to be defiant and uncooperative. They even call you names. People make obscene, put
down gestures to you and say nasty rotten things to you ... things that you just don't want to hear and
see.
That rush of rage come up. It's like a knee jerk reflex. You want to physically hit that person or
persons. You want to say nasty retaliatory remarks. You want to pay back and avenge yourself for
being treated badly. You are on the verge of losing your judgment and temper. You must get back at the
perpetrator. You 've reacted. You 've stuck your two cents in when you should have acted more prudently.
You get scared. You 're afraid of the terrible things that might happen now that you've gone too far with
your vengeful anger.

Welcome to the Club!

You are like so many other people. You react to insult, injury and provocation and question
whether there is something uniquely wrong with you. Well, relax! You're normal, although perhaps a
bit unwise. There are people and things out there just waiting to jerk your string, push your buttons
and provoke your rage. It's an unfair, cruel world and you are subject to having to deal with
argumentative, defiant people. They are the "crazy makers". They will subject you to stressful
responses that could be regretted after the smoke and fire clear.

You may be quick to anger and retaliate. You may wish and pray that you could always remain
calm and turn the other cheek in provocative situations. Perhaps you admire and envy those people
who seem to never get frazzled about anything. They always seem to be so gentle and incapable of
"hurting a fly". Well, obviously you are not such a saint and you do get riled when someone gives you
a hard time.
Let Me Give You Some Consolation ...

You are a good person. It does not have to take years of psychotherapy to get you to handle
provocative, defiant, argumentative people. You do not necessarily have to explore your unresolved
childhood traumas. Too bad if your parents were defiant, argumentative and fought with each other.
Tough luck if you were made to do and listen to things that you didn't want to as a youngster. So maybe
you were a little bit defiant as a kid. You argued with your parents and siblings and your teachers
thought that you horsed around too much. So what if you were suspended three times from school for
mischievous behavior and your neighbors thought that you would grow up to be a criminal. Do you
think that these things made you vulnerable to being seduced by provocative, defiant and
argumentative people?
Well, maybe ... SO WHAT! There's nothing terrible about this situation and you are not a bad
person. The trick is to learn how to control those rising, hot, angry reactions ... to change your feelings
early so that you do not go out of control and make the situation worse. It is best to de- escalate the
tension rather than heat it up by doing something that you will be sorry for later.
 Steps to Staying Calm

The first step to defusing that upsurge of angry energy is to realize that it is possible to be
provoked into an argumentative situation at any given moment. Defiant, argumentative people do not
really want to hear, listen or receive what you have to say. They are poised and ready to spring into
defiance and disagreeableness. They are set to discount any, if not all, of your perceptions, thoughts
or feelings. They are rejectors and life with them is usually punctuated with unpleasantness, fights and
yes, even violence. These are the people that you just want to punch and throw through a wall. Real
closeness and intimacy with them is virtually next to impossible.
The second step, if possible, is to avoid deep intimate relationships with such people. They will
only cause you grief. Their attacks on your character will bring out sides of yourself that you will not
like. It is best to form close relationships only with those people who do not trigger your intense,
negative reactions. There are so many wonderful, agreeable, positive people in this world with whom
you can get along. So why struggle! You have a right to receive as much happiness, joy and pleasure
as you can stand. Remember, entering into relationships with provocative people will only make you
unhappy and could injure your self-esteem. Put downs are not a positive experience, so avoid
vexatious people. Learn how to control your angry/anxious reactions when in the company of such
individuals. Your first response to such negative interactions may be to raise your voice. If this
happens, it is an indication that you have a need that is not being met.
The third step to defusing angry energy is to realize that most provocative situations involve a
competition for need satisfaction. You may feel that someone is being insensitive to your needs. The
truth is, the other person also has needs to be satisfied you are both in competition. For example, there
is a group of kids being very noisy in the next room. You are watching television and they are
interfering with your need for relaxation and entertainment. However, in reality, they are only trying
to satisfy their need for playful fun and are not being deliberately provocative. They only want to
satisfy their needs, the same as you. Your anger rises, but you immediately let it go and remain calm.
You choose to postpone satisfying your needs for the moment. On the other hand, you could have
satisfied your needs first by gently telling the children to keep the noise down. Either way of handling
the situation prevents your getting upset and allows the kids to keep playing without disturbing you.
Everybody wins and you have kept your cool.
When I was a young boy I saw two neighborhood fathers fist fighting over their kids and a rubber
ball. A simple dispute escalated into full scale warfare between grown men. The fight started with their
children but soon involved the whole neighborhood. In my opinion the quarrel should have stayed with
the kids. Parents should stay out of such disputes and only enter to remove their children if the action
gets too hot and heavy. That way, you protect your child and you do not get involved with your rage
and violence. The choice of not fighting fits into your philosophy of not being able to successful get
what you want in this manner.

The fourth step is avoid becoming triangled into someone else's quarrel and this method of
choosing not to get angry keeps that from occuring. It is always better to send the antagonists back to
each other in order to work things out. That way you do not make their problem, your problem. Rule of
thumb: if two or more people are acting provocatively it is better to separate them by pulling yourself or
your child out of the fracas. If you don't, you will be in danger of being provoked. That situation will
not get your needs met. Your goal is to get your needs met without being provoked into rage.

Negative and Irrational Beliefs

The question arises: what if I am one of those people who provokes confusion and anger in other
people? Yes, I said confusion. If other people do not know what you need or want, how can they respond
to you without confusion and anger? People with low self-esteem have irrational beliefs about
themselves. If you are one of these people, you will frustrate others, because they cannot understand you
or read your mind. It would be better to express your needs or wants in a non-competitive way. You
could say, "Right now I need/want something and I don't know what it is, so bear with me
while I try to explain what I want. I also don't wish to compete with other people here". Then
explain as clearly and directly as possible what it is that you want, no matter how difficult it may feel
to you.
You may harbor a low self-opinion inherited from your past. You may unconsciously believe that
you are unlovable, unacceptable to yourself and others, ugly, stupid, boring and wonder how could
anyone like someone as lowly as you are. These are loser beliefs and they have to be challenged,
confronted and disputed out of existence. If your self-esteem is low, you will treat these lowly,
evaluative beliefs as if they were facts rather than just an opinion of yourself. These beliefs are non-
utilitarian and interfere with your pursuit of happiness and high self-love.
First, believe that these negative beliefs that you create have far too much power over you and
understand that they can be changed with vigorous hard work and effort. They will not disappear
overnight, but you may be pleasantly surprised how fast you can get rid of them.
Second, remember that these negative self-evaluations have been firmly fixed in your pre-
conscious by years of repetition. Their effect has been very strong in determining your behavior and
self-esteem. Fortunately, you can use the same repetition method to dislodge such self-effacing
beliefs.

For more information, feel free to contact:

Paul J. Hannig, Ph.D., MFT, 10170-4 Larwin Ave., Chatsworth, CA 91311, (818) 882-7404.
Email: phannigphd@att.net URL: www.nvo.com/psych_help