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Malignant Self Love

Narcissism Revisited

5th Revised Impression


Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.

The Author is NOT a Mental Health Professional. The Author is certified in Counselling Techniques.

Editing and Design:

Lidija Rangelovska

A Narcissus Publications Imprint Prague & Skopje 2003

1 ! "##1! "##$ Co%&right 'idi(a )angelo*s+a All rights reser*ed. This ,oo+! or an& %art thereof! -a& not ,e used or re%roduced in an& -anner .ithout .ritten %er-ission fro-: 'idi(a )angelo*s+a / .rite to: or to * All rights for this ,oo+ are for sale. 'iterar& agents and %u,lishers! %lease contact 'idi(a )angelo*s+a. To get 1)EE u%dates of this ,oo+ 2O3N the Narcissis- 4tud& 'ist. To 2O3N! *isit our 5e, sites:* or htt%:66....narcissistic7a, or htt%:66grou%s.&,use 8isit the Author9s 5e, site: htt%:66sa-* other ,oo+s a,out %athological narcissis- and relationshi%s .ith a,usi*e narcissists here: htt%:66....narcissistic7a,,

ISBN: 9989-929-06-8 Print ISBN: 80-238-3384Created ,&: 'idi(a )angelo*s+a! 4+o%(e )EP;:'3C O1 MACEDON3A


%ore&ord Introd'(tion ) #*e +a,it'al Identit#*e Nar(issisti( Personalit- .isorder A Pri-er on Narcissis:i,liogra%h& "vervie& Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter Chapter I: II: III: IV: V: The 4oul of a Narcissist / The 4tate of the Art :eing 4%ecial ;niqueness and 3nti-ac& The 5or+ings of a Narcissist / A Pheno-enolog& The Tortured 4elf <The 3nner 5orld of the Narcissist= The E-otional 3n*ol*e-ent Pre*enti*e Measures

Chapter VI:

%re/'entl- 0sked 1'estions Narcissism The Disorder FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ # 1: # 2: # 3: # 4: # 5: # 6: # 7: # 8: # 9: # 10: An O*er*ie. of the Narcissist Pathological Narcissis- / A D&sfunction or a :lessing> The Energ& of 4elf 4elf7'o*e and Narcissis4elf7Defeating and 4elf7Destructi*e :eha*iours 3deas of )eference ?randiose 1antasies ?randiosit& Hango*er and Narcissist :aiting De%ression and the Narcissist Narcissistic )age <Anger as a 4ource of Personalit& Disorder= ?ender and the Narcissist Ho-ose@ual Narcissist Addiction to 1a-e and Cele,rit&

FAQ # 11: FAQ # 12: FAQ # 13:

FAQ # 14: FAQ # 15: FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ # 16: # 17: # 18: # 19: # 20: # 21: # 22: # 23: # 24: # 25: # 26: # 27: # 28: # 29:

FAQ # 30: FAQ # 31: FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ # 32: # 33: # 34: # 35: # 36: # 37: # 38: # 39: # 40: # 41: # 42: # 43: # 44: # 45: # 46: # 47: # 48: # 49: # 50: # 51: # 52:

Cons%icuous E@istence The Narcissist9s )eaction to Deficient Narcissistic 4u%%l& The Delusional 5a& Out The Co-%ulsi*e Acts of the Narcissist Narcissistic )outines The ;nsta,le Narcissist Do Narcissists Ha*e E-otions> The 3na%%ro%riate Affect The C&nical Narcissist The Narcissist as a 4adist Other Peo%le9s Pain The Ps&cholog& of Torture Multi%le ?randiosit& 1alse Modest& 5ar%ed )ealit& and )etroacti*e E-otional Content Narcissistic 4ignal! 4ti-ulus and Hi,ernation Mini7 C&cles The Narcissistic Pendulu- and the Pathological Narcissistic 4%ace The 3nani-ate as a 4ource of Narcissistic 4u%%l& <Narcissistic :randing and Narcissistic Contagion= The Dual )ole of the 1alse 4elf The 4tri%%ed Ego The 4%lit7off Ego The 4erious Narcissist Narcissists! Disagree-ents and CriticisTransfor-ations of Aggression Narcissistic Hu-iliation The Midlife Narcissist To Age .ith ?race The Narcissist and 3ntros%ection The 'osses of the Narcissist ?etting :etter Can a Narcissist Hel% Hi-self> )econditioning the Narcissist Treat-ent Modalities and Thera%ies Narcissistic Mirroring The De*elo%-ent of the Narcissist The Narcissist9s Mother The 3n*erted Narcissist Narcissists! 3n*erted Narcissists and 4chiAoids Narcissists and Che-ical 3-,alances

FAQ # 53: FAQ # 54: FAQ # 55: FAQ # 56:


# 57: # 58: # 59: # 60:

M&ths a,out NarcissisThe 4elfish ?ene <The ?enetic ;nder%innings of Narcissis-= Narcissis- / The Ps&cho%athological Default Narcissis-! Other Mental Health Disorders! 4u,stance A,use! and )ec+less :eha*iours <Co7Mor,idit& and Dual Diagnosis= Eating Disorders and the Narcissist Can the Narcissist Ha*e a Meaningful 'ife> A Case 4tud& The Narcissist9s )eactions to This Te@t A Drea- 3nter%reted Ho. to )ecognise a Narcissist> 3nteracting .ith a Narcissist The 5ea%on of 'anguage E@%loitation ,& a Narcissist The Narcissist9s 8icti-s Narcissis- ,& Pro@& 1acilitating NarcissisNarcissists in Positions of Authorit& 1or the 'o*e of ?od The Narcissist and 4ocial 3nstitutions Collecti*e Narcissis- <Narcissis-! Culture and 4ociet&= The Narcissist in Court The Narcissist in a 5or+%lace )es%onsi,ilit& and Other Matters The Accounta,le Narcissist Cri-e and Punish-ent: The Ne*er )e%enting Narcissist Narcissists! ?rou% :eha*iour and Terroris3s the Narcissist E*er 4orr&> A 'etter a,out Trust Trau-as as 4ocial 3nteractions The ?uilt of Others Narcissistic Confine-ent Narcissistic Allocation Narcissistic 3--unit& Narcissists! 'o*e and Healing 8indicti*e Narcissists Narcissists as Mass and 4erial Fillers Narcissists! Narcissistic 4u%%l& and 4ources of 4u%%l&

Narcissism and Society FAQ # 61: FAQ # 62: FAQ # 63: FAQ # 64: FAQ # 65: FAQ # 66: FAQ # 67: FAQ # 68: FAQ # 69: FAQ # 70: FAQ # 71: FAQ # 72: FAQ # 73: FAQ # 74: FAQ # 75: FAQ # 76: FAQ # 77: FAQ # 78: FAQ # 79: FAQ # 80: FAQ # 81: FAQ # 82: FAQ # 83: FAQ # 84: FAQ # 85: FAQ # 86: 1AB C DE: FAQ # 88: FAQ # 89:

Narcissists and Family FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ FAQ Ho. to Co%e .ith a Narcissist> Narcissists and 5o-en The 4%ouse6Mate6Partner of the Narcissist 3n*esting in a Narcissist The Dou,le )eflection <Narcissistic Cou%les and Narcissistic T&%es= FAQ # 95: Narcissistic Parents FAQ # 96: Narcissists and Children FAQ # 97: The Narcissist and His 1a-il& FAQ # 98: Narcissists! 4e@ and 1idelit& FAQ # 99: The E@tra7Marital Narcissist FAQ # 100: Mourning the Narcissist FAQ # 101: 4ur*i*ing the Narcissist FAQ # 102: The Dead Parents 2'ide to !o3ing &it* 4o'r 0,'ser #*e 0't*or # 90: # 91: # 92: # 93: # 94:

"nline inde5 ?o here: htt%:66sa-*


Hello. )ecognise -e> No> 5ell! &ou see -e all the ti-e. Gou read -& ,oo+s! .atch -e on the ,ig screen! feast on -& art! cheer at -& ga-es! use -& in*entions! *ote -e into office! follo. -e into ,attle! ta+e notes at -& lectures! laugh at -& (o+es! -ar*el at -& successes! ad-ire -& a%%earance! listen to -& stories! discuss -& %olitics! en(o& -& -usic! e@cuse -& faults! en*& -e -& ,lessings. No> 4till doesn9t ring a ,ell> 5ell! &ou ha*e seen -e. Of that 3 a%ositi*e. 3n fact! if there is one thing 3 a- a,solutel& sure of! it is that. Gou ha*e seen -e. Perha%s our %aths crossed -ore %ri*atel&. Perha%s 3 a- the one .ho ca-e along and ,uilt &ou u% .hen &ou .ere do.n! e-%lo&ed &ou .hen &ou .ere out of a (o,! sho.ed the .a& .hen &ou .ere lost! offered confidence .hen &ou .ere dou,ting! -ade &ou laugh .hen &ou .ere ,lue! s%ar+ed &our interest .hen &ou .ere ,ored! listened to &ou and understood! sa. &ou for .hat &ou reall& are! felt &our %ain and found the ans.ers! -ade &ou .ant to ,e ali*e. Of course &ou recognise -e. 3 a- &our ins%iration! &our role -odel! &our sa*iour! &our leader! &our ,est friend! the one &ou as%ire to e-ulate! the one .hose fa*our -a+es &ou glo.. :ut 3 can also ,e &our .orst night-are. 1irst 3 ,uild &ou u% ,ecause that9s .hat &ou need. Gour s+ies are ,lue. Then! out of the ,lue! 3 start tearing &ou do.n. Gou let -e do it ,ecause that9s .hat &ou are used to and &ou are du-founded. 3 .as .rong to ta+e %it& on &ou. Gou reall& are inco-%etent! disres%ectful! untrust.orth&! i--oral! ignorant! ine%t! egotistical! constrained! disgusting. Gou are a social e-,arrass-ent! an una%%reciati*e %artner! an inadequate %arent! a disa%%oint-ent! a se@ual flo%! a financial lia,ilit&. 3 tell &ou this to &our face. 3 -ust. 3t is -& right! ,ecause it is. 3 ,eha*e! at ho-e and a.a&! an& .a& 3 .ant to! .ith total disregard for con*entions! -ores! or the feelings of others. 3t is -& right! ,ecause it is.

3 lie to &our face! .ithout a t.itch or a t.itter! and there is a,solutel& nothing &ou can do a,out it. 3n fact! -& lies are not lies at all. The& are the truth! -& truth. And &ou ,elie*e the-! ,ecause &ou do! ,ecause the& do not sound or feel li+e lies! ,ecause to do other.ise .ould -a+e &ou question &our o.n sanit&! .hich &ou ha*e a tendenc& to do an&.a&! ,ecause fro- the *er& ,eginning of our relationshi% &ou %laced &our trust and ho%es in -e! deri*ed &our energ& fro- -e! ga*e -e o*er &ou. )un to our friends. ?o. 4ee .hat that .ill get &ou. )idicule. 3 ato the- .hat 3 originall& .as to &ou. The& ,elie*e .hat the& see and that9s .hat the& see! and the& also see the *er& -i@ed u% %erson that &ou o,*iousl& ha*e ,eco-e. The -ore &ou %lead for understanding! the -ore con*inced the& .ill ,e that &ou are craA&! the -ore isolated &ou .ill feel! and the harder &ou .ill tr& to -a+e things right again! ,& acce%ting -& criticis-s and ,& stri*ing to i-%ro*e &ourself. Could it ,e that &ou .ere .rong a,out -e in the ,eginning> 4o .rong as that> Not an eas& %ill to s.allo.! is it> Ho. do &ou thin+ our friends .ill react if &ou tr& to cra- it do.n their throats> After all! it reall& is &ou .ho ha*e th.arted -& %rogress! tainted -& re%utation! thro.n -e off course. There is an esca%e fro- the frustrations &ou cause -e and! fortunatel&! -& re%utation %ro*ides enough insulation frothe outside .orld so 3 can indulge in this esca%e .ith i-%unit&. 5hat esca%e> Those eru%tions of anger &ou dread and fear! -& rages. Ah! it feels so good to rage. 3t is the e@%ression of and the confir-ation of -& o*er &ou. '&ing feels good too! for the sa-e reason! ,ut nothing co-%ares to the %leasure of e@%loding for no -aterial reason and *enting -& anger li+e a lunatic! all the ti-e a s%ectator at -& o.n sho. and seeing &our hel%lessness! %ain! fear! frustration! and de%endence. ?o ahead. Tell our friends a,out it. 4ee if the& can i-agine it! let alone ,elie*e it. The -ore outrageous &our account of .hat ha%%ened! the -ore con*inced the& .ill ,e that the craA& one is &ou. And don9t e@%ect -uch -ore fro- &our thera%ist either. 4urel& it is easier to li*e -& lie and see .here that ta+es &ou. Gou -ight e*en acquire so-e of the ,eha*iour &ou find so o,(ectiona,le in -e. :ut &ou +no. .hat> This -a& co-e as a sur%rise! ,ut 3 can also ,e -& o.n .orst night-are. 3 can and 3 a-. Gou see! at heart -& life is nothing -ore than illusion7clad confusion. 3 ha*e no idea .h& 3 do .hat 3 do! nor do 3 care to find out. 3n fact! the -ere notion of as+ing the question is so re%ulsi*e to -e that 3 e-%lo& all of -& resources to re%el it.

3 reconstruct facts! fa,ricate illusions! act the- out! and thus create -& o.n realit&. 3t is a %recarious state of e@istence indeed! so 3 a- careful to include enough de-onstra,le truth in -& illusions to ensure their credi,ilit&. And 3 a- fore*er testing that credi,ilit& against the reactions of others. 1ortunatel& -& real attri,utes and acco-%lish-ents are in sufficient a,undance to fuel -& illusions see-ingl& fore*er. And -odern societ&! ,lessed6cursed -odern societ&! *alues -ost .hat 3 do ,est and thus ser*es as -& acco-%lice. E*en 3 get lost in -& o.n illusions! s.e%t a.a& ,& their -agic. 4o! not to .orr& if &ou still do not recognise -e. 3 don9t recognise -e either. 3n fact! 3 regard -&self as li+e e*er&one else! onl& %erha%s a little ,etter. Put another .a&! 3 end u% thin+ing that e*er&one else is li+e -e! onl& not quite as good. After all! that9s .hat the uni*erse is telling -e. Ah! there9s the ru,. THE uni*erse or MG uni*erse> As long as the -agic of -& illusions .or+s on -e too! the distinction is i--aterial. Hence -& need for a fan clu,. And 3 a- constantl& ta+ing fan clu, in*entor&! testing the lo&alt& of %resent -e-,ers .ith challenges of a,use! .riting off defectors .ith total indifference! and scouting the landsca%e for ne. recruits. Do &ou see -& dile--a> 3 use %eo%le .ho are de%endent on -e to +ee% -& illusions ali*e. 3n actualit& it is 3 .ho a- de%endent on the-. E*en the rage! that orgas-ic release of %ain and anger! doesn9t .or+ .ithout an audience. On so-e le*el 3 a- a.are of -& illusions! ,ut to ad-it that .ould s%oil the -agic. And that 3 couldn9t ,ear. 4o 3 %roclai- that .hat 3 do is of no consequence and no different fro- .hat others do! and thus 3 create an illusion a,out -& creating illusions. 4o! no! 3 don9t recognise -e an& ,etter than &ou do. 3 .ouldn9t dare. 3 need the -agic. 1or the sa-e reason 3 also fail to recognise others .ho ,eha*e as 3 do. 3n fact! the& so-eti-es recruit -e into their fan clu,s. As long as .e feed off of each other! .ho9s the .orse for .ear> 3t onl& confir-s -& illusion a,out -& illusions: that 3 a- no different fro- -ost other %eo%le! (ust a ,it ,etter. :ut 3 AM different and .e ,oth +no. it. Therein lies the root of -& hostilit&. 3 tear &ou do.n ,ecause in realit& 3 a- en*ious of &ou :ECA;4E 3 a- different. At that haunting le*el .here 3 see -& illusions for .hat the& are! the illusion that &ou too create illusions colla%ses! lea*ing -e in a state of des%air! confusion! %anic! isolation! and en*&. Gou! and others! accuse -e of all sorts of horri,le things.

3 a- totall& ,affled! clueless. 3 ha*e done nothing .rong. The in(ustice is too -uch. 3t onl& -a+es the confusion .orse. Or is this too -erel& another illusion> Ho. -an& others li+e -e are there> More than &ou -ight thin+! and our nu-,ers are increasing. Ta+e t.ent& %eo%le off the street and &ou .ill find one .hose -ind tic+s so -uch li+e -ine that &ou could consider us clones. 3-%ossi,le! &ou sa&. 3t is si-%l& not %ossi,le for that -an& %eo%le / highl& acco-%lished! res%ected! and *isi,le %eo%le / to ,e out there re%lacing realit& .ith illusions! each in the sa-e .a& and for reasons the& +no. not .h&. 3t is si-%l& not %ossi,le for so -an& ro,ots of ha*oc and chaos! as 3 descri,e the-! to function dail& -idst other educated! intelligent! and e@%erienced indi*iduals! and %ass for nor-al. 3t is si-%l& not %ossi,le for such an a,erration of hu-an cognition and ,eha*iour to infiltrate and infect the %o%ulation in such nu-,ers! *irtuall& undetected ,& the radar of -ental health %rofessionals. 3t is si-%l& not %ossi,le for so -uch *isi,le %ositi*e to contain so -uch concealed negati*e. 3t is si-%l& not %ossi,le. :ut it is. That is the enlighten-ent of Narcissis- )e*isited ,& 4a- 8a+nin. 4a- is hi-self one such clone. 5hat distinguishes hiis his uncharacteristic courage to confront! and his uncann& understanding of! that .hich -a+es us tic+! hi-self included. Not onl& does 4a- dare as+ and then the question .e clones a*oid li+e the %lague! he does so .ith relentless! laser7li+e %recision. )ead his ,oo+. Ta+e &our seat at the dou,le7headed -icrosco%e and let 4a- guide &ou through the dissection. 'i+e a ,rain surgeon o%erating on hi-self! 4a- e@%lores and e@%oses the alien a-ong us! ho%ing ,e&ond ho%e for a res%ecta,le tu-our ,ut finding instead each and e*er& cell tea-ing .ith the sa-e resistant *irus. The o%eration is long and tedious! and at ti-es frightening and hard to ,elie*e. )ead on. The %arts e@%osed are as the& are! des%ite .hat -a& see- h&%er,olic or far7fetched. Their *alidit& -ight not hit ho-e until later! .hen cou%led .ith -e-ories of %ast e*ents and e@%eriences.

3 a-! as 3 said! -& o.n .orst night-are. True! the .orld is re%lete .ith -& contri,utions! and 3 a- lots of fun to ,e around. And true! -ost contri,utions li+e -ine are not the result of trou,led souls. :ut -an& -ore than &ou -ight .ant to ,elie*e are. And if ,& chance &ou get caught in -& 5e,! 3 can -a+e &our life a li*ing hell. :ut re-e-,er this. 3 a- in that 5e, too. The difference ,et.een &ou and -e is that &ou can get out. 7en +eil,r'nn8 9:.: Seattle8 6as*ington8 ;S0 )eturn


#*e +a,it'al Identit-

Warning and Disclaimer

The contents of th s !oo" are not #eant to s$!st t$te for profess ona% he%p an& co$nse%% n'( The rea&ers are & sco$ra'e& fro# $s n' t for & a'nost c or therape$t c en&s( The & a'nos s an& treat#ent of the )arc ss st c *ersona% t+ , sor&er can on%+ !e &one !+ profess ona%s spec f ca%%+ tra ne& an& -$a% f e& to &o so . /h ch the a$thor s not( The a$thor s )0T a #enta% hea%th profess ona%1 tho$'h he s cert f e& n 2enta% 3ea%th Co$nse%% n' Techn -$es(

3n a fa-ous e@%eri-ent! students .ere as+ed to ta+e a le-on ho-e and to gro. used to it. Three da&s later! the& .ere a,le to single out HtheirH le-on fro- a %ile of rather si-ilar ones. The& see-ed to ha*e ,onded. 3s this the true -eaning of lo*e! ,onding! cou%ling> Do .e si-%l& get used to other hu-an ,eings! %ets! or o,(ects> Ha,it for-ing in hu-ans is refle@i*e. 5e change oursel*es and our en*iron-ent in order to attain -a@i-u- co-fort and .ell7 ,eing. 3t is the effort that goes into these ada%ti*e %rocesses that for-s a ha,it. Ha,its are intended to %re*ent us fro- constant e@%eri-entation and ris+ ta+ing. The greater our .ell7,eing! the ,etter .e function and the longer .e sur*i*e. Actuall&! .hen .e get used to so-ething or to so-eone / .e reall& get used to oursel*es. 3n our ha,its .e see our histor&! all the ti-e and effort in*ested. Ha,its are enca%sulated *ersions of our acts! intentions! e-otions and reactions. The& are -irrors reflecting ,ac+ that %art in us that for-ed the ha,it.

Hence! the feeling of co-fort: .e reall& feel co-forta,le .ith our o.n sel*es .hen .e feel co-forta,le .ith our ha,its. :ecause of this! .e tend to confuse ha,its .ith identit&. 5hen as+ed 5HO the& are! -ost %eo%le resort to descri,ing their ha,its. The& relate to us their .or+! their lo*ed ones! their %ets! their ho,,ies! or their -aterial %ossessions. Get! all of these do not constitute an identit&. Their re-o*al does not change one9s identit&. The& are ha,its and the& -a+e the res%ondent co-forta,le and rela@ed. :ut the& are not %art of his identit& in the truest! dee%est sense. 4till! it is this si-%le -echanis- of dece%tion that ,inds %eo%le together. A -other feels that her offs%ring are %art of her identit& ,ecause she is so used to the- that her .ell7,eing de%ends on their e@istence and a*aila,ilit&. Thus! an& threat to her children is inter%reted ,& a -other as a threat to her %erson. Her reaction is! therefore! strong and enduring and can ,e recurrentl& elicited. The truth! of course! is that children A)E a %art of their -other9s identit& in a su%erficial -anner. )e-o*ing the- .ould -a+e her a different %erson! ,ut onl& in the shallo.! %heno-enological sense of the .ord. Her dee%7set! true identit& is unli+el& to change as a result. :ut .hat is this +ernel of identit& that 3 a- referring to> This i--uta,le entit& .hich is the definition of .ho .e are and .hat .e are and .hich! ostensi,l&! is not influenced ,& the death of our lo*ed ones> 5hat is so strong as to resist the ,rea+ing of ha,its that die7hard> 3t is our %ersonalit&. This elusi*e! loosel& interconnected! interacting! %attern of reactions to our changing en*iron-ent. 'i+e the -ind! it is difficult to define or to ca%ture. 'i+e the soul! -an& ,elie*e that it does not e@ist! that it is a fictitious con*ention. Get! .e +no. that .e do ha*e a %ersonalit&. 5e feel it! .e e@%erience it. 3t so-eti-es encourages us to do things / or %re*ents us fro- doing the-. 3t can ,e su%%le or rigid! ,enign or -alignant! o%en or closed. 3ts lies in its looseness. 3t is a,le to co-,ine! reco-,ine and %er-utate in hundreds of unforeseea,le .a&s. 3t -eta-or%hoses and the constanc& of its rate and +ind of change is .hat gi*es us a sense of identit&. Actuall&! .hen the %ersonalit& is rigid to the %oint of ,eing una,le to change in reaction to changing circu-stances / .e sa& that it is disordered. A %ersonalit& disorder is the ulti-ate -isidentification.

The indi*idual -ista+es his ha,its for his identit&. He identifies hi-self .ith his en*iron-ent! ta+ing ,eha*ioural! e-otional! and cogniti*e cues e@clusi*el& fro- it. His inner .orld is! so to s%ea+! *acated! inha,ited! as it .ere! ,& the a%%arition of his True 4elf. 4uch a %erson is inca%a,le of lo*ing and of li*ing. The %ersonalit& disordered sees no distinction ,et.een his self and his ha,its. He 34 his ha,its and! therefore! ,& definition! can onl& rarel& and .ith an incredi,le a-ount of e@ertion! change the-. And! in the long7ter-! he is inca%a,le of li*ing ,ecause life is a struggle TO5A)D4! a stri*ing! a dri*e AT so-ething. 3n other .ords: life is change. He .ho cannot change is not reall& ali*e. HMalignant 4elf7'o*e / Narcissis- )e*isitedH .as .ritten under e@tre-e conditions of duress. 3t .as co-%osed in (ail as 3 .as tr&ing to understand .hat had hit -e. M& nine &ears old -arriage dissol*ed! -& finances .ere in a shoc+ing condition! -& fa-il& estranged! -& re%utation ruined! -& %ersonal freedo- se*erel& curtailed. 4lo.l&! the realisation that it .as all -& fault! that 3 .as sic+ and needed hel% %enetrated the decades old defences that 3 erected around -e. This ,oo+ is the docu-entation of a road of self7disco*er&. 3t .as a %ainful %rocess! .hich led to 3 a- no different / and no healthier / toda& than 3 .as .hen 3 .rote this ,oo+. M& disorder is here to sta&! the %rognosis is %oor and alar-ing. The narcissist is an actor in a -onodra-a! &et forced to re-ain ,ehind the scenes. The scenes ta+e centre stage! instead. The narcissist does not cater at all to his o.n needs. Contrar& to his re%utation! the narcissist does not Hlo*eH hi-self in an& true sense of this loaded .ord. He feeds off other %eo%le! .ho hurl ,ac+ at hi- an i-age that he %ro(ects to the-. This is their sole function in his .orld: to reflect! to ad-ire! to a%%laud! to detest / in a .ord! to assure hithat he e@ists. Other.ise! the& ha*e no right to ta@ his ti-e! energ&! or e-otions / so he feels. To ,orro. 1reud9s trilateral -odel! the narcissist9s Ego is .ea+! disorganised and lac+s clear ,oundaries. Man& of the Ego functions are %ro(ected. The 4u%erego is sadistic and %unishing. The 3d is unrestrained. Pri-ar& O,(ects in the narcissist9s childhood .ere ,adl& idealised and internalised. His o,(ect relations are distraught and destro&ed.

The first cha%ters offer a detailed! first hand account of .hat it is li+e to ha*e a Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder <NPD=. 3t offers ne. insights and an organised -ethodological fra-e.or+ using a ne. %s&chod&na-ic language. 3t is intended for %rofessionals. The first %art of the ,oo+ is -ore accessi,le. 3t co-%rises 1requentl& As+ed Buestions <1ABs= regarding narcissis- and %ersonalit& disorders. The %osting of HMalignant 4elf7'o*e / Narcissis- )e*isitedH on the 5e, has elicited a flood of e@cited! sad and heart rending res%onses! -ostl& fro- *icti-s of narcissists ,ut also fro- %eo%le suffering fro- the Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder. This is a true %icture of the resulting corres%ondence .ith the-. This ,oo+ is hea*& reading. 3t is not intended to %lease or to entertain. NPD is a %ernicious! *ile and tortuous disease! .hich affects not onl& the narcissist. 3t infects and fore*er changes %eo%le .ho are in dail& contact .ith the narcissist. 3n other .ords: it is contagious. 3t is -& contention that narcissis- is the -ental e%ide-ic of the t.entieth centur&! a %lague to ,e fought ,& all -eans. This ,oo+ is -& contri,ution to -ini-ising the da-ages of this disorder. Sa< =aknin )eturn

Malignant Self Love

Narcissism Revisited
The Narcissistic Personality Disorder

0 Pri<er on Nar(issis<

Nar(issis< >n: sing:? A %attern of traits and ,eha*iours .hich signif& infatuation and o,session .ith one9s self to the e@clusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless %ursuit of one9s gratification! do-inance and a-,ition. Narcissis- is na-ed after the ancient ?ree+ -&th of Narcissus! a handso-e ?ree+ &outh .ho re(ected the des%erate ad*ances of the n&-%h Echo. 3n %unish-ent of his cruelt&! he .as doo-ed to fall in lo*e .ith his o.n reflection in a %ool of .ater. ;na,le to consu--ate his autoerotic lo*e! he %ined a.a& and changed into the that ,ears his na-e to this *er& da&. 6*at is NP. >Nar(issisti( Personalit- .isorder?@ The A-erican Ps&chiatric Association! ,ased in 5ashington D.C.! ;4A! %u,lishes the Diagnostic and 4tatistical Manual of Mental Disorders! fourth edition! Te@t )e*ision <D4M7387T)=! "###. The Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder <NPD= has ,een recognised as a se%arate -ental health disorder in the third edition of the Diagnostic and 4tatistical Manual <D4M= in 1 D#. 3ts diagnostic criteria and their inter%retation ha*e undergone a -a(or re*ision in the D4M73337) <1 DE= and .ere su,stantiall& re*a-%ed in the D4M7387T) in "###. The Euro%ean 3CD71# ,asicall& contains identical language. I)ead the D4M7387T) diagnostic criteria for the Narcissistic Personalit& DisorderJ The international equi*alent of the D4M is the 3CD71#! Classification of Mental and :eha*ioural Disorders! %u,lished ,& the 5orld Health Organisation in ?ene*a <1 "=. I)ead the 3CD71# diagnostic criteria for the Narcissistic Personalit& DisorderJ

The D4M defines NPD as 4an a%%5per6as 6e pattern of 'ran& os t+ 7 n fantas+ or !eha6 o$r81 nee& for a&# rat on or a&$%at on an& %ac" of e#path+1 $s$a%%+ !e' nn n' !+ ear%+ a&$%thoo& an& present n 6ar o$s conte9ts(4 The 3CD regards NPD as 4a persona% t+ & sor&er that f ts none of the spec f c r$!r cs4. 3t relegates it to the categor& HOther 4%ecific Personalit& DisordersH together .ith the eccentric! HhaltloseH! i--ature! %assi*e7aggressi*e! and %s&choneurotic %ersonalit& disorders and t&%es. The D4M s%ecifies nine diagnostic criteria. 1or NPD to ,e diagnosed! fi*e <or -ore= of these criteria -ust ,e -et: I3n the te@t ,elo.! 3 ha*e %ro%osed -odifications to the language of these criteria to incor%orate current +no.ledge a,out this disorder. M& a-end-ents do not constitute a %art of the te@t of the D4M7387T)! nor is the A-erican Ps&chiatric Association <APA= associated .ith the- in an& .a&.J K 1eels grandiose and self7i-%ortant <e.g.! e@aggerates acco-%lish-ents! talents! s+ills! contacts! and %ersonalit& traits to the %oint of l&ing! de-ands to ,e recognised as su%erior .ithout co--ensurate achie*e-ents=L K 3s o,sessed .ith fantasies of unli-ited success! fa-e! fearso-e or o-ni%otence! unequalled ,rilliance <the cere,ral narcissist=! ,odil& ,eaut& or se@ual %erfor-ance <the so-atic narcissist=! or ideal! e*erlasting! all7conquering lo*e or %assionL K 1ir-l& con*inced that he or she is unique and! ,eing s%ecial! can onl& ,e understood ,&! should onl& ,e treated ,&! or associate .ith! other s%ecial or unique! or high7status %eo%le <or institutions=L K )equires e@cessi*e ad-iration! adulation! attention and affir-ation / or! failing that! .ishes to ,e feared and to ,e notorious <Narcissistic 4u%%l&=L K 1eels entitled. De-ands auto-atic and full co-%liance .ith his or her unreasona,le e@%ectations for s%ecial and fa*oura,le %riorit& treat-entL K 3s Hinter%ersonall& e@%loitati*eH! i.e.! uses others to achie*e his or her o.n endsL K De*oid of e-%ath&. 3s una,le or un.illing to identif& .ith! ac+no.ledge! or acce%t the feelings! needs! %references! %riorities! and choices of othersL K Constantl& en*ious of others and see+s to hurt or destro& the o,(ects of his or her frustration. 4uffers fro- %ersecutor&

<%aranoid= delusions as he or she ,elie*es that the& feel the sa-e a,out hi- or her and are li+el& to act si-ilarl&L K :eha*es arrogantl& and haught&. 1eels su%erior! o-ni%otent! o-niscient! in*inci,le! i--une! Ha,o*e the la.H! and o-ni%resent <-agical thin+ing=. )ages .hen frustrated! contradicted! or confronted ,& %eo%le he or she considers inferior to hi- or her and un.orth&. 9ore .ata 0,o't Pat*ologi(al Nar(issists K Most narcissists <EMN! according to the D4M7387T)= are -en. K NPD <Othe Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder= is one of a Hfa-il&H of %ersonalit& disorders <+no.n as HCluster :H=. Other -e-,ers of Cluster : are :orderline PD! Antisocial PD and Histrionic PD. K NPD is often diagnosed .ith other -ental health disorders <Hco7-or,idit&H= / or .ith su,stance a,use and i-%ulsi*e and rec+less ,eha*iours <Hdual diagnosisH=. K NPD is ne. <1 D#= -ental health categor& in the Diagnostic and 4tatistical Manual <D4M=. K There is onl& scant research regarding narcissis-. :ut .hat there is has not de-onstrated an& ethnic! social! cultural! econo-ic! genetic! or %rofessional %redilection to NPD. K 3t is esti-ated that #.E71N of the general %o%ulation suffer fro- NPD. K Pathological narcissis- .as first descri,ed in detail ,& 1reud. Other -a(or contri,utors are: Flein! Horne&! Fohut! Fern,erg! Millon! )oningsta-! ?underson! Hare. K The onset of narcissis- is in infanc&! childhood and earl& adolescence. 3t is co--onl& attri,uted to childhood a,use and trau-a inflicted ,& %arents! authorit& figures! or e*en %eers. K There is a .hole range of narcissistic reactions / fro- the -ild! reacti*e and transient to the %er-anent %ersonalit& disorder. K Narcissistic 4u%%l& is outside attention / usuall& %ositi*e <adulation! affir-ation! fa-e! cele,rit&= / used ,& the narcissist to regulate his or her la,ile sense of self7.orth. K Narcissists are either Hcere,ralH <deri*e their Narcissistic 4u%%l& fro- their intelligence or acade-ic achie*e-ents= / or Hso-aticH <deri*e their Narcissistic 4u%%l& fro- their %h&sique! e@ercise! %h&sical or se@ual %ro.ess and HconquestsH=. K Narcissists are either HclassicH / see definition ,elo. / or the& are Hco-%ensator&H! or Hin*ertedH / see definitions in 1AB M#: The 3n*erted Narcissist.

K The classic narcissist is self7confident! the co-%ensator& narcissist co*ers u% in his or her haught& ,eha*iour for a dee%7 seated deficit in self7estee-! and the in*erted t&%e is a code%endent .ho caters to the e-otional needs of a classic narcissist. K NPD is treated ,& tal+ thera%& <%s&chod&na-ic or cogniti*e7 ,eha*ioural=. The %rognosis for an adult narcissist is %oor! though his or her ada%tation to life and to others can i-%ro*e .ith treat-ent. Medication is a%%lied to side effects and ,eha*iours <such as -ood or affect disorders and o,session7 co-%ulsion= / usuall& .ith so-e success. )eturn


1. Alford! C. 1red. Narcissis-: 4ocrates! the 1ran+furt 4chool and Ps&choanal&tic Theor&. Ne. Ha*en and 'ondon! Gale ;ni*ersit& Press! 1 DD ". De*ereu@! ?eorge. :asic Pro,le-s of Ethno7Ps&chiatr&. ;ni*ersit& of Chicago Press! 1 D# $. 1air,airn! 5. ). D. An O,(ect )elations Theor& of the Personalit&. Ne. Gor+! :asic :oo+s! 1 MP P. 1reud 4. Three Essa&s on the Theor& of 4e@ualit& <1 #M=. 4tandard Edition of the Co-%lete Ps&chological 5or+s of 4ig-und 1reud. 8ol. E. 'ondon! Hogarth Press! 1 QP M. 1reud! 4. On Narcissis-. 4tandard Ed. 8ol. 1P! %%. E$71#E Q. ?old-an! Ho.ard H. <Ed.=. )e*ie. of ?eneral Ps&chiatr&. Pth Ed. 'ondon! Prentice Hall 3nternational! 1 M E. ?olo-,! Elan. Tra%%ed in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their 4truggle for 4elf. Buill! 1 M D. ?reen,erg! 2a& ). and Mitchell! 4te%hen A. O,(ect )elations in Ps&choanal&tic Theor&. Ca-,ridge! Mass.! Har*ard ;ni*ersit& Press! 1 D$ . ?run,erger! :ela. Narcissis-: Ps&choanal&tic Essa&s. Ne. Gor+! 3nternational ;ni*ersities Press! 1 E 1#. ?untri%! Harr&. Personalit& 4tructure and Hu-an 3nteraction. Ne. Gor+! 3nternational ;ni*ersities Press! 1 Q1 11. Horo.itA M. 2. 4liding Meanings: A Defence against Threat in Narcissistic Personalities. 3nternational 2ournal of Ps&choanal&tic Ps&chothera%&! 1 EML P:1QE 1". Horo*itA M. 2. 4tress )es%onse 4&ndro-es: PT4D! ?rief and Ad(ust-ent Disorders. $rd Ed. Ne. Gor+! NG ;ni*ersit& Press! 1 D 1$. 2aco,son! Edith. The 4elf and the O,(ect 5orld. Ne. Gor+! 3nternational ;ni*ersities Press! 1 QP 1P. 2ung! C.?. Collected 5or+s. ?. Adler! M. 1ordha- and H. )ead <Eds.=. "1 *olu-es. Princeton ;ni*ersit& Press! 1 Q#71 D$

1M. Fern,erg O. :orderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissis-. Ne. Gor+! 2ason Aronson! 1 EM 1Q. Flein! Melanie. The 5ritings of Melanie Flein. )oger Mone&7 F&rle <Ed.=. P 8ols. Ne. Gor+! 1ree Press! 1 QP7EM 1E. Fohut H. The Chicago 3nstitute 'ectures 1 E"71 EQ. Marian and Paul Tol%in <Eds.=. Anal&tic Press! 1 D 1D. Fohut M. The Anal&sis of the 4elf. Ne. Gor+! 3nternational ;ni*ersities Press! 1 E1 1 . 'asch! Christo%her. The Culture of Narcissis-. Ne. Gor+! 5arner :oo+s! 1 E "#. 'e*ine! 2. D.! and 5eiss! )ona H. The D&na-ics and Treat-ent of Alcoholis-. 2ason Aronson! 1 P "1. 'o.en! Ale@ander. Narcissis-: Denial of the True 4elf. Touchstone :oo+s! 1 E "". Millon! Theodore <and )oger D. Da*is! contri,utor=. Disorders of Personalit&: D4M738 and :e&ond. "nd ed. Ne. Gor+! 2ohn 5ile& and 4ons! 1 M "$. Millon! Theodore. Personalit& Disorders in Modern 'ife. Ne. Gor+! 2ohn 5ile& and 4ons! "### "P. )iso! Don )ichard. Personalit& T&%es: ;sing the Enneagra- for 4elf7Disco*er&. :oston: Houghton Mifflin 1 DE "M. )oningsta-! Elsa 1. <Ed.=. Disorders of Narcissis-: Diagnostic! Clinical! and E-%irical 3-%lications. A-erican Ps&chiatric Press! 1 D "Q. )othstein! Arnold. The Narcissistic Pursuit of )eflection. "nd re*ised Ed. Ne. Gor+! 3nternational ;ni*ersities Press! 1 DP "E. 4ch.artA! 'ester. Narcissistic Personalit& Disorders / A Clinical Discussion. 2ournal of A-erican Ps&choanal&tic Association / "" <1 EP=: " "7$#M "D. 4alant74ch.artA! Nathan. Narcissisand Character Transfor-ation. 3nner Cit& :oo+s! 1 DM / %%. #7 1 " . 4tern! Daniel. The 3nter%ersonal 5orld of the 3nfant: A 8ie. fro- Ps&choanal&sis and De*elo%-ental Ps&cholog&. Ne. Gor+! :asic :oo+s! 1 DM $#. 8a+nin! 4a-. Malignant 4elf7'o*e / Narcissis- )e*isited. 4+o%(e and Prague! Narcissus Pu,lications! "##$ $1. R.eig! Paul. The Heres& of 4elf7'o*e: A 4tud& of 4u,*ersi*e 3ndi*idualis-. Ne. Gor+! :asic :oo+s! 1 QD )eturn

Malignant Self Love

Narcissism Revisited

#*is se(tion (ontains 3roAessional ter<s: %or treat<ent oA s3e(iAi( iss'es go to t*e %re/'entl- 0sked 1'estions:


#*e So'l oA a Nar(issist #*e State oA t*e 0rt

5e all lo*e oursel*es. That see-s to ,e such an instincti*el& true state-ent that .e do not ,other to e@a-ine it -ore thoroughl&. 3n our dail& li*es / in lo*e! in ,usiness! in other areas of life / .e act on this %re-ise. Get! u%on closer ins%ection! it loo+s sha+ier. 4o-e %eo%le e@%licitl& state that the& do not lo*e the-sel*es at all. Others confine their lac+ of self7lo*e to certain traits! to their %ersonal histor&! or to so-e of their ,eha*iour %atterns. Get others feel content .ith .ho the& are and .ith .hat the& are doing. :ut one grou% of %eo%le see-s distinct in its -ental constitution / narcissists. According to the legend of Narcissus! this ?ree+ ,o& fell in lo*e .ith his o.n reflection in a %ond. 3n a .a&! this a-%l& su-s u% the nature of his na-esa+es: narcissists. The -&thological Narcissus re(ected the ad*ances of the n&-%h Echo and .as %unished ,& Ne-esis. Consigned to %ine a.a& as he fell in lo*e .ith his o.n reflection / e@actl& as Echo had %ined a.a& for hi-. Ho. a%t. Narcissists are %unished ,& echoes and reflections of their %ro,le-atic %ersonalities u% to this *er& da&. The& are said to ,e in lo*e .ith the-sel*es. :ut this is a fallac&. Narcissus is not in lo*e .ith H3M4E'1. He is in lo*e .ith his )E1'ECT3ON. There is a -a(or difference ,et.een one9s True 4elf and reflected7self. 'o*ing &our True 4elf is health&! ada%ti*e and functional. 'o*ing a reflection has t.o -a(or dra.,ac+s: 1. One de%ends on the e@istence and a*aila,ilit& of a reflection to %roduce the e-otion of self7lo*e.

". The a,sence of a Hco-%assH! an Ho,(ecti*e and realistic &ardstic+H! ,& .hich to (udge the authenticit& of the reflection. 3n other .ords! it is i-%ossi,le to tell .hether the reflection is true to realit& / and! if so! to .hat e@tent. The %o%ular -isconce%tion is that narcissists lo*e the-sel*es. 3n realit&! the& direct their lo*e to other %eo%le9s i-%ressions of the-. He .ho lo*es onl& i-%ressions is inca%a,le of lo*ing hu-ans! hi-self included. :ut the narcissist does %ossess the in7,red desire to lo*e and to ,e lo*ed. 3f he cannot lo*e hi-self / he -ust lo*e his reflection. :ut to lo*e his reflection / it -ust ,e lo*ea,le. Thus! dri*en ,& the insatia,le urge to lo*e <.hich .e all %ossess=! the narcissist is %reoccu%ied .ith %ro(ecting a lo*ea,le i-age! co-%ati,le .ith his self7i-age <the .a& he HseesH hi-self=. The narcissist -aintains this %ro(ected i-age and in*ests resources and energ& in it! so-eti-es de%leting hi- to the %oint of rendering hi- *ulnera,le to e@ternal threats. :ut the -ost i-%ortant characteristic of such an i-age is its lo*a,ilit&. To a narcissist! lo*e is interchangea,le .ith other e-otions! such as a.e! res%ect! ad-iration! or e*en -ere attention <collecti*el& +no.n as Narcissistic 4u%%l&=. Thus! to hi-! a %ro(ected i-age! .hich %ro*o+es these reactions in others / is ,oth Hlo*ea,le and lo*edH. 3t also feels li+e self7lo*e. The -ore successful this %ro(ected i-age <or series of successi*e i-ages= is in generating Narcissistic 4u%%l& / the -ore the narcissist ,eco-es di*orced fro- his True 4elf and -arried to the i-age. 3 a- not sa&ing that the narcissist does not ha*e a central nucleus of a HselfH. All 3 a- sa&ing is that he %refers his i-age / .ith .hich he identifies unreser*edl& / to his True 4elf. The True 4elf ,eco-es serf to the 3-age. The narcissist! therefore! is not selfish ,ecause his self is %aral&sed and su,ordinate. The narcissist is not tuned e@clusi*el& to his needs. On the contrar&: he ignores the- ,ecause -an& of the- conflict .ith his o-ni%otent and o-niscient i-age. He does not %ut hi-self first / he %uts his self last. He caters to the needs and .ishes of e*er&one around hi- / ,ecause he cra*es their lo*e and ad-iration. 3t is through their reactions that he acquires a sense of distinct self. 3n -an& .a&s he annuls hi-self / onl& to re7in*ent hi-self through the loo+ of others. He is the %erson -ost insensiti*e to his true needs.

The narcissist drains hi-self of -ental energ& in this %rocess. This is .h& he has no energ& left to dedicate to others. This fact as .ell as his ina,ilit& to lo*e hu-an ,eings in their -an& di-ensions and facets / transfor- hi- into a -ental recluse. His soul is fortified and in the solace of this fortification he guards its territor& (ealousl& and fiercel&. He %rotects .hat he %ercei*es to constitute his inde%endence. 5h& should %eo%le indulge the narcissist> And .hat is the He*olutionar&H! sur*i*al *alue of %referring one +ind of lo*e <directed at an i-age= to another <directed at one9s self=> These questions tor-ent the narcissist. His con*oluted -ind co-es u% .ith the -ost ela,orate contra%tions in lieu of ans.ers. 5h& should %eo%le indulge the narcissist! di*ert ti-e and energ&! gi*e hi- attention! lo*e and adulation> The narcissist9s is si-%le: ,ecause he is entitled to it. He feels that he deser*es .hate*er he succeeds to e@tract fro- others and -uch -ore. Actuall&! he feels ,etra&ed! discri-inated against and under%ri*ileged ,ecause he ,elie*es that he is not ,eing treated fairl&! that he should get -ore than he does. There is a discre%anc& ,et.een his infinite certaint& that his is a s%ecial status .orth& of recurrent %raise and adoration! re%lete .ith s%ecial ,enefits and %rerogati*es / and the actual state of his affairs. To the narcissist! this status of uniqueness is ,esto.ed u%on hi- not ,& *irtue of his achie*e-ents! ,ut -erel& ,ecause he e@ists. His -ere e@istence is sufficientl& unique to .arrant the +ind of treat-ent that he e@%ects to get fro- the .orld. Herein lies a %arado@! .hich haunts the narcissist: he deri*es his sense of uniqueness fro- the *er& fact that he e@ists and he deri*es his sense of e@istence fro- his ,elief that he is unique. Clinical data sho. that there is rarel& an& realistic ,asis for these grandiose notions of greatness and uniqueness. 4o-e narcissists are high achie*ers .ith %ro*en trac+ records. 4o-e of the- are %illars of their co--unities. Mostl&! the& are d&na-ic and successful. 4till! the& are ridiculousl& %o-%ous and inflated %ersonalities! ,ordering on the farcical and %ro*o+ing resent-ent. The narcissist is forced to use other %eo%le in order to feel that he e@ists. 3t is trough their e&es and through their ,eha*iour that he o,tains %roof of his uniqueness and grandeur. He is a ha,itual H%eo%le7(un+ieH. 5ith ti-e! he co-es to regard those around hias -ere instru-ents of gratification! as t.o7di-ensional cartoon figures .ith negligi,le lines in the scri%t of his -agnificent life.

He ,eco-es unscru%ulous! ne*er ,othered ,& the constant use he -a+es of his -ilieu! indifferent to the consequences of his actions! the da-age and the %ain that he inflicts on others and e*en the social conde-nation and sanctions that he often has to endure. 5hen a %erson %ersists in a d&sfunctional! -alada%ti*e or %lain useless ,eha*iour des%ite gra*e re%ercussions to hi-self and to his surroundings / .e sa& that his acts are co-%ulsi*e. The narcissist is co-%ulsi*e in his %ursuit of Narcissistic 4u%%l&. This lin+age ,et.een narcissis- and o,sessi*e7co-%ulsi*e disorders sheds light on the -echanis-s of the narcissistic %s&che. The narcissist does not suffer fro- a fault& sense of causation. He is not o,li*ious to the li+el& outco-es of his actions and to the %rice he -a& ha*e to %a&. :ut he doesn9t care. A %ersonalit& .hose *er& e@istence is a deri*ati*e of its reflection in other %eo%le9s -inds / is %erilousl& de%endent on these %eo%le9s %erce%tions. The& are the source of its Narcissistic 4u%%l& <N4=. Criticis- and disa%%ro*al are inter%reted as a .ithholding of this su%%l& and as a direct threat to the *er& -ental e@istence of the narcissist. The narcissist li*es in a .orld of all or nothing! of a constant Hto ,e or not ,eH. E*er& discussion that he holds! e*er& glance of e*er& %asser7,& reaffir-s his e@istence or casts it in dou,t. This is .h& the reactions of the narcissist see- so dis%ro%ortionate: he reacts to .hat he %ercei*es to i-%eril the *er& cohesion of his self. Thus! e*er& -inor disagree-ent .ith a 4ource of Narcissistic 4u%%l& / another %erson / is inter%reted as a threat to the narcissist9s *er& self7definition. This is such a crucial -atter! that the narcissist cannot ta+e chances. He .ould rather ,e -ista+en / then re-ain .ithout Narcissistic 4u%%l&. He .ould rather discern disa%%ro*al and un(ustified criticis- .here there is none / then face the consequences of ,eing caught off7guard. The narcissist has to condition his hu-an en*iron-ent to refrain fro- e@%ressing criticis- and disa%%ro*al of hi- or of his actions and decisions. He has to teach %eo%le around hi- that these %ro*o+e hi- into frightful fits of te-%er and rage attac+s and turn hi- into a constantl& cantan+erous and irasci,le %erson. His e@aggerated reactions constitute a %unish-ent for their inconsiderateness and their ignorance of his true %s&chological state. The narcissist ,la-es others for his ,eha*iour! accuses the- of %ro*o+ing hi- into his te-%er tantru-s and ,elie*es fir-l& that

Hthe&H should ,e %unished for their H-is,eha*iourH. A%ologies / unless acco-%anied ,& *er,al or other hu-iliation / are not enough. The fuel of the narcissist9s rage is s%ent -ainl& on *itriolic *er,al send7offs directed at the <often i-aginar&= %er%etrator of the <oft i-aginar&= offence. The narcissist / .ittingl& or not / utilises %eo%le to ,uttress his self7i-age and sense of self7.orth. As long and in as -uch as the& are instru-ental in achie*ing these goals / he holds the- in high regard! the& are *alua,le to hi-. He sees the- onl& through this lens. This is a result of his ina,ilit& to lo*e hu-ans: he lac+s e-%ath&! he thin+s utilit&! and he reduces others to -ere instru-ents. 3f the& cease to HfunctionH! if / no -atter ho. inad*ertentl& / the& cause hi- to dou,t this illusor&! half7,a+ed! self7estee- / the& ,eco-e the su,(ect of a reign of terror. The narcissist then %roceeds to hurt these Hinsu,ordinatesH. He ,elittles and hu-iliates the-. He dis%la&s aggression and *iolence in -&riad for-s. His ,eha*iour -eta-or%hesises! +aleidosco%icall&! froo*er7*aluation of the useful other / to a se*ere de*aluation of sa-e. The narcissist a,hors! al-ost %h&siologicall&! %eo%le (udged ,& hi- to ,e HuselessH. These ra%id alterations ,et.een a,solute o*er*aluation <idealisation= to co-%lete de*aluation of others -a+e long7terinter%ersonal relationshi%s .ith the narcissist all ,ut i-%ossi,le. The -ore %athological for- of narcissis- / the Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder <NPD= / .as defined in successi*e *ersions of the A-erican D4M <Diagnostic and 4tatistical Manual %u,lished ,& the A-erican Ps&chiatric Association= and the international 3CD <Classification of Mental and :eha*ioural Disorders! %u,lished ,& the 5orld Health Organisation=. 3t is useful to scrutinise these geological la&ers of clinical o,ser*ations and their inter%retation. 3n 1 EE the D4M7333 criteria included: K An inflated *aluation of oneself <e@aggeration of talents and achie*e-ents! de-onstration of %resu-%tuous self7 confidence=L K 3nter%ersonal e@%loitation <uses others to satisf& his needs and desires! e@%ects %referential treat-ent .ithout underta+ing -utual co--it-ents=L K Possesses e@%ansi*e i-agination <e@ternalises i--ature and non7regi-ented fantasies! H%re*aricates to redee- self7 illusionsH=L

K Dis%la&s su%ercilious i-%ertur,a,ilit& <e@ce%t .hen the narcissistic confidence is sha+en=! nonchalant! uni-%ressed and cold7,loodedL K Defecti*e social conscience <re,els against the con*entions of co--on social e@istence! does not *alue %ersonal integrit& and the rights of other %eo%le=. Co-%are the 1 EE *ersion .ith the one ado%ted 1# &ears later <in the D4M73337)= and e@%anded u%on in 1 P <in the D4M738= and in "### <the D4M7387T)=. Gou can find the criteria on: htt%:66,eha* The narcissist is %ortra&ed as a -onster! a ruthless and e@%loitati*e %erson. Get! inside! the narcissist suffers fro- a chronic lac+ of confidence and is funda-entall& dissatisfied. On the outside! his is a *icissitudinal nature. This is far froreflecting the ,arren landsca%e of -iser& and fears that constitutes his soul. His tu-ultuous ,eha*iour co*ers u% for a su,-issi*e! de%ressed interior. Ho. can such contrasts coe@ist> 1reud <1 1M= offered a trilateral -odel of the hu-an %s&che! co-%osed of the 3d! the Ego and the 4u%erego. According to 1reud! narcissists are do-inated ,& their Ego to such an e@tent that the 3d and 4u%erego are neutralised. Earl& in his career! 1reud ,elie*ed narcissis- to ,e a nor-al de*elo%-ental %hase ,et.een autoeroticis- and o,(ect7lo*e. 'ater on! he concluded that the de*elo%-ent c&cle can ,e th.arted ,& the *er& efforts .e all -a+e in our infanc& to de*elo% the ca%acit& to lo*e an o,(ect <another %erson=. 4o-e of us! thus 1reud! fail to gro. ,e&ond the %hase of self7 lo*e in the de*elo%-ent of the li,ido. Others refer to the-sel*es and %refer the-sel*es as o,(ects of lo*e. This choice / to concentrate on the self / is the result of an unconscious decision to gi*e u% an unre.arding effort to lo*e others and to trust the-. The child learns that the onl& %erson he can trust to al.a&s and relia,l& ,e a*aila,le! the onl& %erson he can lo*e .ithout ,eing a,andoned or hurt / is hi-self. 3n the earl& childhood of the narcissist! -eaningful others .ere inconsistent in their acce%tance of hi- and %aid attention to hi- onl& .hen the& .ished to satisf& their needs. The& tended to ignore hi- .hen these needs .ere no longer %ressing or e@istent. 4o! the child learned to a*oid dee%er relationshi%s in order to esca%e this %ainful a%%roach7a*oidance %endulu-. Protecting hi-self fro- hurt and fro- a,andon-ent! he insulates hi-self fro- %eo%le around hi-. He digs in / rather than s%ring out.

As children! all of us go through this %hase of dis,elief. 5e all %ut %eo%le around us <the afore-entioned o,(ects= to a test. This is the H%ri-ar& narcissistic stageH. A %ositi*e relationshi% .ith one9s %arents or caregi*ers <Pri-ar& O,(ects= secures the s-ooth transition to Ho,(ect lo*eH. The child forgoes his narcissis-. ?i*ing u% one9s narcissis- is tough. Narcissis- is alluring! soothing! .ar- and de%enda,le. 3t is al.a&s %resent and o-ni%resent. 3t is custo- tailored to the needs of the indi*idual. To lo*e oneself is to ha*e the %erfect lo*er. ?ood reasons and strong forces / H%arental lo*eH are required to -oti*ate the child to gi*e it u%. The child %rogresses in order to ,e a,le to lo*e his %arents. 3f the& are narcissists! the& su,(ect hi- to the idealisation <o*er7 *aluation= and de*aluation c&cle. The& do not relia,l& satisf& the child9s needs. 3n other .ords! the& frustrate hi-. He graduall& realises that he is no -ore than a to&! an instru-ent! a -eans to an end / his %arents9 gratification. This shoc+ing re*elation defor-s the ,udding Ego. The child for-s a strong de%endence <as o%%osed to attach-ent= on his %arents. This de%endence is reall& a reflection of fear! the -irror i-age of aggression. 3n 1reud7s%ea+ <%s&choanal&sis= .e sa& that the child is li+el& to de*elo% accentuated oral fi@ations and regressions. 3n %lain ter-s! .e are li+el& to see a lost! %ho,ic! hel%less! raging child. :ut a child is still a child and his relationshi% .ith his %arents is of ulti-ate i-%ortance to hi-. He! therefore! resists his reactions and tries to defuse his li,idinal and aggressi*e sensations and e-otions. This .a&! he ho%es to reha,ilitate the da-aged relationshi% <.hich ne*er reall& e@isted=. Hence the %ri-ordial confa,ulation! the -other of all future narcissistic fantasies. 3n his e-,attled -ind! he transfor-s the 4u%erego into an idealised! sadistic %arent7child. His Ego ,eco-es the co-%le-enting %art in this i-aginar& %la& of in*ented roles: a hated! de*alued child7%arent. The fa-il& is the -ains%ring of su%%ort of e*er& +ind. 3t -o,ilises %s&chological resources and alle*iates e-otional ,urdens. 3t allo.s for the sharing of tas+s! %ro*ides -aterial su%%lies cou%led .ith cogniti*e training. 3t is the %ri-e socialisation agent and encourages the a,sor%tion of infor-ation! -ost of it useful and ada%ti*e. This di*ision of la,our ,et.een %arents and children is *ital ,oth to de*elo%-ent and to %ro%er ada%tation. The child -ust feel! as he does in a functional fa-il&! that he can share his e@%eriences

.ithout ,eing defensi*e and that the feed,ac+ that he is getting is o%en and un,iased. The onl& H,iasH acce%ta,le <often ,ecause it is consistent .ith constant outside feed,ac+= is the fa-il&9s set of ,eliefs! *alues and goals that are finall& internalised ,& the child ,& .a& of i-itation and unconscious identification. 4o! the fa-il& is the first and the -ost i-%ortant source of identit& and e-otional su%%ort. 3t is a greenhouse .here a child feels lo*ed! acce%ted and secure / the %rerequisites for the de*elo%-ent of %ersonal resources. On the -aterial le*el! the fa-il& should %ro*ide the ,asic necessities <and! %refera,l&! ,e&ond=! %h&sical care and %rotection and refuge and shelter during crises. The role of the -other <the Pri-ar& O,(ect= has ,een often discussed and dissected. The father9s %art is -ostl& neglected! e*en in %rofessional literature. Ho.e*er! recent research de-onstrates his i-%ortance to the orderl& and health& de*elo%-ent of the child. The father %artici%ates in the da&7to7da& care! is an intellectual catal&st! .ho encourages the child to de*elo% his interests and to satisf& his curiosit& through the -ani%ulation of *arious instru-ents and ga-es. He is a source of authorit& and disci%line! a ,oundar& setter! enforcing and encouraging %ositi*e ,eha*iours and eli-inating negati*e ones. He also %ro*ides e-otional su%%ort and econo-ic securit&! thus sta,ilising the fa-il& unit. 1inall&! he is the %ri-e source of -asculine orientation and identification to the -ale child / and gi*es .ar-th and lo*e as a -ale to his daughter! .ithout e@ceeding the sociall& %er-issi,le li-its. 5e can safel& sa& that the narcissist9s fa-il& is as se*erel& disordered as he is. Pathological narcissis- is largel& a reflection of this d&sfunction. This en*iron-ent ,reeds self7dece%tion. The narcissist9s internal dialogue is H3 do ha*e a relationshi% .ith -& %arents. 3t is -& fault / the fault of -& e-otions! sensations! aggressions and %assions / that this relationshi% is not .or+ing. 3t is! therefore! -& res%onsi,ilit& to -a+e a-ends. 3 .ill construct a narrati*e in .hich 3 a- ,oth lo*ed and %unished. 3n this scri%t! 3 .ill allocate roles to -&self and to -& %arents. This .a&! e*er&thing .ill ,e fine and .e .ill all ,e ha%%&.H Thus starts the c&cle of o*er7*aluation <idealisation= and de*aluation. The dual roles of sadist and %unished -asochist <4u%erego and Ego=! %arent and child! %er-eate all the of the narcissist9s interactions .ith other %eo%le. The narcissist e@%eriences a re*ersal of roles as his relationshi%s %rogress. At the ,eginning of a relationshi% he is the child in need

of attention! a%%ro*al and ad-iration. He ,eco-es de%endent. Then! at the first sign of disa%%ro*al <real or i-aginar&=! he is transfor-ed into an a*o.ed sadist! %unishing and inflicting %ain. 3t is co--onl& agreed that a loss <real or %ercei*ed= at a critical (unction in the %s&chological de*elo%-ent of the child / forces hito refer to hi-self for nurturing and for gratification. The child ceases to trust others and his a,ilit& to de*elo% o,(ect lo*e or to idealise is ha-%ered. He is constantl& shado.ed ,& the feeling that onl& he can satisf& his e-otional needs. He e@%loits %eo%le! so-eti-es unintentionall&! ,ut al.a&s ruthlessl& and -ercilessl&. He uses the- to o,tain confir-ation of the accurac& of his grandiose self7%ortrait. The narcissist is usuall& a,o*e treat-ent. He +no.s ,est. He feels su%erior to his thera%ist in %articular and to the science of %s&cholog& in general. He see+s treat-ent onl& a -a(or life crisis! .hich directl& threatens his %ro(ected and %ercei*ed i-age. The narcissist9s H%rideH has to ,e se*erel& in(ured to -oti*ate hi- to ad-it his need for hel%. E*en then! the thera%& sessions rese-,le a ,attlefield. The narcissist is aloof and distanced! de-onstrates his su%eriorit& in a -&riad of .a&s! resents .hat he %ercei*es to ,e an intrusion on his inner-ost sanctu-. He is offended ,& an& hint regarding defects or d&sfunctions in his %ersonalit& or in his ,eha*iour. A narcissist is a narcissist is a narcissist / e*en .hen he as+s for hel% .ith his .orld and .orld*ie. shattered. 033endi5 ) ",je(t Relations #*eories and Nar(issis< Otto Fern,erg <1 EM! 1 DP! 1 DE= disagrees .ith 1reud. He regards the di*ision ,et.een an Ho,(ect li,idoH <energ& directed at o,(ects! -eaningful others! %eo%le in the i--ediate *icinit& of the infant= and a Hnarcissistic li,idoH <energ& directed at the self as the -ost i--ediate and satisf&ing o,(ect=! .hich %recedes it / as s%urious. 5hether a HchildH de*elo%s nor-al or %athological narcissisde%ends on the relations ,et.een the re%resentations of the self <roughl&! the i-age of the self that the child for-s in his -ind= and the re%resentations of o,(ects <roughl&! the i-ages of other %eo%le that the child for-s in his -ind! ,ased on all the e-otional and o,(ecti*e infor-ation a*aila,le to hi-=. 3t is also de%endent on the relationshi% ,et.een the re%resentations of the self and real! e@ternal! Ho,(ecti*eH o,(ects. Add to this instinctual conflicts related ,oth to the li,ido and to aggression <these *er& strong e-otions gi*e rise to strong conflicts in the child= and a

co-%rehensi*e e@%lanation concerning the for-ation of %athological narcissis- e-erges. Fern,erg9s conce%t of 4elf is closel& related to 1reud9s conce%t of Ego. The self is de%endent u%on the unconscious! .hich e@erts a constant influence on all -ental functions. Pathological narcissis-! therefore! reflects a li,idinal in*est-ent in a %athologicall& structured self and not in a nor-al! integrati*e structure of the self. The narcissist suffers ,ecause his self is de*alued or fi@ated on aggression. All o,(ect relations of such a self are distorted: it detaches fro- real o,(ects <,ecause the& hurt hi- often=! dissociates! re%resses! or %ro(ects. Narcissis- is not -erel& a fi@ation on an earl& de*elo%-ental stage. 3t is not confined to the failure to de*elo% intra7%s&chic structures. 3t is an acti*e! li,idinal in*est-ent in a defor-ed structure of the self. 1ranA Fohut regarded narcissis- as the final %roduct of the failing efforts of %arents to co%e .ith the needs of the child to idealise and to ,e grandiose <for instance! to ,e o-ni%otent=. 3dealisation is an i-%ortant de*elo%-ental %ath leading to narcissis-. The child -erges the idealised as%ects of the i-ages of the %arents <3-ago in Fohut9s ter-inolog&= .ith those .ide seg-ents of the i-age of the %arent .hich are cathected <infused= .ith o,(ect li,ido <in .hich the child in*ests the energ& that he reser*es for o,(ects=. This e@erts an enor-ous and all7i-%ortant influence on the re7 internalisation %rocesses <the %rocesses in .hich the child re7 introduces the o,(ects and their i-ages into his -ind= in each of the successi*e %hases. Through these %rocesses! t.o %er-anent nuclei of the %ersonalit& are constructed: a. The ,asic! neutralising te@ture of the %s&che! and ,. The ideal 4u%erego :oth of the- are characterised ,& an in*ested instinctual narcissistic cathe@is <in*ested energ& of self7lo*e .hich is instinctual=. At first! the child idealises his %arents. As he gro.s! he ,egins to notice their shortco-ings and *ices. He .ithdra.s %art of the idealising li,ido fro- the i-ages of the %arents! .hich is conduci*e to the natural de*elo%-ent of the 4u%erego. The narcissistic %art of the child9s %s&che re-ains *ulnera,le throughout its de*elo%-ent. This is largel& true until the HchildH re7internalises the ideal %arent i-age. Also! the *er& construction of the -ental a%%aratus can ,e ta-%ered .ith ,& trau-atic deficiencies and ,& o,(ect losses right

through the Oedi%al %eriod <and e*en in latenc& and in adolescence=. The sa-e effect can ,e attri,uted to trau-atic disa%%oint-ent ,& o,(ects. Distur,ances leading to the for-ation of NPD can ,e thus grou%ed into: 1. 8er& earl& distur,ances in the relationshi% .ith an ideal o,(ect. These lead to a structural .ea+ness of the %ersonalit&! .hich de*elo%s a deficient and6or d&sfunctional sti-uli7filtering -echanis-. The a,ilit& of the indi*idual to -aintain a ,asic narcissistic ho-eostasis of the %ersonalit& is da-aged. 4uch a %erson suffers fro- diffusi*e narcissistic *ulnera,ilit&. ". A distur,ance occurring later in life / ,ut still %re7Oedi%all& / affects the %re7Oedi%al for-ation of the ,asic fa,ric of the control! channelling and neutralising of dri*es and urges. The nature of the distur,ance has to ,e a trau-atic encounter .ith the ideal o,(ect <such as a -a(or disa%%oint-ent=. The s&-%to-atic -anifestation of this structural defect is the %ro%ensit& to re / se@ualise dri*e deri*ati*es and internal and e@ternal conflicts either in the for- of fantasies or in the for- of de*iant acts. $. A distur,ance for-ed in the Oedi%al or e*en in the earl& latent %hases / inhi,its the co-%letion of the 4u%erego idealisation. This is es%eciall& true of a disa%%oint-ent related to an ideal o,(ect of the late %re7Oedi%al and the Oedi%al stages! .here the %artl& idealised e@ternal %arallel of the ne.l& internalised o,(ect is trau-aticall& destro&ed. 4uch a %erson %ossesses a set of *alues and standards / ,ut he fore*er loo+s for ideal e@ternal figures fro- .ho- he as%ires to deri*e the affir-ation and the leadershi% that his insufficientl& idealised 4u%erego cannot su%%l&. )eturn

Malignant Self Love

Narcissism Revisited
Frequently Asked Questions


Pat*ologi(al Nar(issis< 0 .-sA'n(tion or a Blessing@

Co##ents on recent research !+ :o+ ;a$#e ster( 3s %athological narcissis- a ,lessing or a -alediction> The is: it de%ends. Health& narcissis- is a -ature! ,alanced lo*e of oneself cou%led .ith a sta,le sense of self7.orth and self7estee-. Health& narcissis- i-%lies +no.ledge of one9s ,oundaries and a %ro%ortionate and realistic a%%raisal of one9s achie*e-ents and traits. Pathological narcissis- is .rongl& descri,ed as too -uch health& narcissis- <or too -uch self7 estee-=. These are t.o a,solutel& unrelated %heno-ena .hich! regretta,l&! ca-e to ,ear the sa-e title. Confusing %athological narcissis- .ith self7estee- ,etra&s a funda-ental ignorance of ,oth. Pathological narcissis- in*ol*es an i-%aired! d&sfunctional! i--ature <True= 4elf cou%led .ith a co-%ensator& fiction <the 1alse 4elf=. The sic+ narcissist9s sense of self7.orth and self7 estee- deri*e entirel& fro- audience feed,ac+. The narcissist has no self7estee- or self7.orth of his o.n <no such Ego functions=. 3n the a,sence of o,ser*ers! the narcissist shri*els to non7e@istence and feels dead. Hence the narcissist9s %re&ing ha,its in his constant %ursuit of Narcissistic 4u%%l&. Pathological narcissis- is an addicti*e ,eha*iour. 4till! d&sfunctions are reactions to a,nor-al en*iron-ents and situations <e.g.! a,use! trau-a! s-othering! etc.=. Parado@icall&! his d&sfunction allo.s the narcissist to function. 3t co-%ensates for lac+s and deficiencies ,& e@aggerating tendencies and traits. 3t is li+e the tactile sense of a ,lind %erson. 3n short: %athological narcissis- is a result of o*er7sensiti*it&! the re%ression of o*er.hel-ing -e-ories and e@%eriences! and the

su%%ression of inordinatel& strong negati*e feelings <e.g.! hurt! en*&! anger! or hu-iliation=. That the narcissist functions at all / is ,ecause of his %atholog& and than+s to it. The alternati*e is co-%lete deco-%ensation and integration. 3n ti-e! the narcissist learns ho. to le*erage his %atholog&! ho. to use it to his ad*antage! ho. to de%lo& it in order to -a@i-ise ,enefits and utilities / in other .ords! ho. to transfor- his curse into a ,lessing. Narcissists are o,sessed ,& delusions of fantastic grandeur and su%eriorit&. As a result the& are *er& co-%etiti*e. The& are strongl& co-%elled / .here others are -erel& -oti*ated. The& are dri*en! relentless! tireless! and ruthless. The& often -a+e it to the to%. :ut e*en .hen the& do not / the& stri*e and fight and learn and cli-, and create and thin+ and de*ise and design and cons%ire. 1aced .ith a challenge / the& are li+el& to do ,etter than non7narcissists. Get! .e often find that narcissists a,andon their efforts in -id7 strea-! gi*e u%! *anish! lose interest! de*alue for-er %ursuits! or slu-%. 5h& is that> A challenge! or e*en a guaranteed e*entual triu-%h / are -eaningless in the a,sence of onloo+ers. The narcissist needs an audience to a%%laud! affir-! recoil! a%%ro*e! ad-ire! adore! fear! or e*en detest hi-. He cra*es the attention and de%ends on the Narcissistic 4u%%l& onl& others can %ro*ide. The narcissist deri*es sustenance onl& fro- the outside / his e-otional innards are hollo. and -ori,und. The narcissist9s enhanced %erfor-ance is %redicated on the e@istence of a challenge <real or i-aginar&= and of an audience. :au-eister usefull& re7affir-ed this lin+age! +no.n to theoreticians since 1reud.
F rst p$!% she& on the <$ te 101 )arc ss st c *ersona% t+ , sor&ers Top c(



#*e Nar(issistBs Rea(tion to .eAi(ient Nar(issisti( S'33l-

Question: Ho. does the narcissist react .hen not in recei%t of sufficient Narcissistic 4u%%l&> ns!er: 8er& -uch as a drug addict .ould react to the a,sence of his %articular drug. The narcissist constantl& consu-es <reall&! %re&s u%on= adoration! ad-iration! a%%ro*al! a%%lause! attention and other for-s of Narcissistic 4u%%l&. 5hen lac+ing or deficient! a Narcissistic Deficienc& D&s%horia sets in. The narcissist loo+s de%ressed! his -o*e-ents slo. do.n! his slee% %atterns are distur,ed <he either slee%s too -uch or ,eco-es inso-niac=! his eating %atterns change <he gorges on food or is una,le e*en to loo+ at it=. He is ,e constantl& d&s%horic <sad=! anhedonic <finds no interest in the .orld! no %leasure in an&thing or in an& of his for-er %ursuits and interests=. He is su,(ected to *iolent -ood s.ings <-ainl& rage attac+s= and all his <*isi,le and %ainful= efforts at self7control fail. He -a& co-%ulsi*el& and rituall& resort to an alternati*e addiction / alcohol! drugs! reading. This constitutes a futile effort of the narcissist ,oth to esca%e his %redica-ent / and to su,li-ate his aggressi*e urges. His .hole ,eha*iour see-s constrained! artificial! full of effort and toil. The narcissist graduall& turns -ore and -ore -echanical! detached! unreal. His thoughts constantl& .ander or ,eco-e o,sessi*e and re%etiti*e! his s%eech -a& falter! he a%%ears to ,e far a.a&! in a .orld of his narcissistic fantasies! .here Narcissistic 4u%%l& is a%lent&. He .ithdra.s fro- this %ainful .orld .hich +no.s not ho. to a%%reciate his greatness! s%ecial s+ills and talents! %otential! or achie*e-ents. The narcissist thus ceases to ,esto. hi-self u%on a cruel uni*erse! %unishing it for its shortco-ings! its ina,ilit& to realise ho. unique the narcissist is. A schiAoid -ode sets in: the narcissist isolates hi-self! a her-it in the +ingdo- of his hurt. He

-ini-ises his social interactions and uses H-essengersH to co--unicate .ith the outside. De*oid of energ&! the narcissist can no longer %retend or succu-, to social con*entions. His for-er co-%liance gi*es .a& to o%en <a re,ellion of sorts=. His for-er s-iles are transfor-ed to fro.ns! courtes& ,eco-es rudeness! e-%hasised etiquette used as a .ea%on! an outlet of aggression! an act of *iolence. The narcissist! ,linded ,& %ain! see+s to restore his ,alance! to ta+e another si% of the narcissistic nectar. 3n his quest! the narcissist turns to and u%on those nearest to hi-. His real attitude e-erges: for hi-! the& are ,ut tools! one7di-ensional instru-ents on the %ath to gratification! 4ources of 4u%%l& or %i-%s of such su%%l&! catering to his narcissistic lusts. He regards the- as shallo.! no longer functioning o,(ects. 3n his .rath! he tries to -end the- ,& forcing the- to %erfor- again! to function. This is cou%led .ith horrendous and torrential self7flagellation! a deser*edl& self7inflicted %unish-ent! or so the narcissist feels. 3n e@tre-e cases of de%ri*ation! the narcissist -a& entertain suicidal thoughts! this is ho. dee%l& he loathes his self and his condition. Through all this! the narcissist is ,eset ,& a %er*ading sense of nostalgia. 3t is a -alignant *ariet&! har+ing ,ac+ to a %ast! .hich ne*er e@isted e@ce%t in the th.arted grandiosit& of the narcissist. The longer the lac+ of Narcissistic 4u%%l&! the -ore this %ast is glorified! re7.ritten! -issed and -ourned. This ser*es to enhance all the other negati*e feelings. Put together! it alread& a-ounts to .hat -ight ,e clinicall& descri,ed as de%ression. The narcissist then glides into the shores of %aranoia. 1ro- his -ental closet! he dra.s a -odel of a %rosecuting .orld! incor%orating in it those around hi- and e*ents in his recent life. This gi*es -eaning to .hat is erroneousl& %ercei*ed ,& the narcissist as a sudden shift fro- o*er su%%l& to under or to no su%%l& <such o*er and under *aluations are t&%ical of hi-=. The a%%arent di-inishing of the Narcissistic 4u%%l& is ,est e@%lained ,& a theor& of cons%irac&. The narcissist then / in %ain! in des%air! in fear / e-,ar+s u%on an org& of self7destruction intended to generate Halternati*e 4u%%l& 4ourcesH <attention= at an& cost. The narcissist is %oised to co--it the ulti-ate narcissistic act: self7destruction in the ser*ice of self7 aggrandise-ent. 5hen de%ri*ed of Narcissistic 4u%%l& / %ri-ar& AND secondar& / the narcissist feels annulled. 3t feels -uch li+e ,eing hollo.ed out! -entall& dise-,o.elled or .atching oneself die. 3t is e*a%oration! disintegration into -olecules of terrified anguish! hel%lessl& and ine@ora,l&.

5ithout Narcissistic 4u%%l& / the narcissist cru-,les! li+e the Ao-,ies or the *a-%ires one sees in horror -o*ies. 3t is terrif&ing and the narcissist .ill do an&thing to a*oid it. Thin+ a,out the narcissist as a drug addict. His s&-%to-s are identical: delusions! %h&siological effects! irrita,ilit&! e-otional la,ilit&. Narcissists often e@%erience ,rief! deco-%ensator& %s&chotic e%isodes .hen their %s&che is disasse-,led / either deli,eratel& in thera%& or a life7crisis acco-%anied ,& a -a(or narcissistic in(ur&. These %s&chotic e%isodes -a& ,e closel& allied to another feature of narcissis-: -agical thin+ing. Narcissists are li+e children in this sense. Man&! for instance! full& ,elie*e in t.o things: that .hate*er ha%%ens / the& .ill %re*ail and that good things .ill al.a&s ha%%en to the-. 3t is -ore than a ,elief! reall&. Narcissists (ust FNO5 it! the sa-e .a& one +no.s gra*it& / directl&! i--ediatel& and surel&. The narcissist ,elie*es that! no -atter .hat he does! he .ill al.a&s ,e forgi*en! al.a&s %re*ail and triu-%h! al.a&s co-e on to%. The narcissist is! therefore! fearless in a -anner %ercei*ed ,& others to ,e ,oth ad-ira,le and insane. He attri,utes to hi-self di*ine and cos-ic i--unit& / he cloa+s -&self in it! it renders hiin*isi,le to his ene-ies and to the %o.ers of He*ilH. 3t is a childish %hantas-agoria / ,ut to the narcissist it is *er& real. The narcissist +no.s .ith religious certaint& that good things .ill ha%%en to hi-. 5ith equal certitude! the -ore self7a.are of the- +no. that the& .ill squander their good fortune ti-e and again in a ,ede*illed effort to defeat the-sel*es. 4o! no -atter .hat serendi%it&! .hat luc+& circu-stance! .hat ,lessing the narcissist recei*es / he al.a&s stri*es .ith ,lind fur& to deflect the-! to defor- and to ruin. )eturn


#*e .el'sional 6a- "'t

Question: 5hen -& hus,and goes through a ,ad s%ot! he shuts hi-self in his den all da& long! doesn9t tal+ to an&one! (ust surfs the 5e,. 3s this t&%ical> 4hould 3 ,e .orried> ns!er: The stud& of narcissis- is a centur& old and the t.o scholarl& de,ates central to its conce%tion are still undecided. 3s there such a thing as HEA'THG adult narcissis- <Fohut= / or are all the -anifestations of narcissis- in adulthood %athological <1reud! Fern,erg=> Moreo*er! is %athological narcissis- the outco-e of *er,al! se@ual! %h&sical! or %s&chological a,use <the o*er.hel-ing *ie.= / or! on the contrar&! the sad result of s%oiling the child and idolising it <Millon! the late 1reud=> The second de,ate is easier to resol*e if one agrees to ado%t a -ore co-%rehensi*e definition of Ha,useH. O*er.eening! s-othering! s%oiling! o*er*aluing! and idolising the child / are all for-s of %arental a,use. This is ,ecause! as Horne& %ointed out! the child is dehu-anised and instru-entalised. His %arents lo*e hi- not for .hat he reall& is / ,ut for .hat the& .ish and i-agine hi- to ,e: the fulfil-ent of their drea-s and frustrated .ishes. The child ,eco-es the *essel of his %arents9 discontented li*es! a tool! the -agic ,rush .ith .hich the& can transfor- their failures into successes! their hu-iliation into *ictor&! their frustrations into ha%%iness. The child is taught to ignore realit& and to occu%& the %arental fantastic s%ace. 4uch an unfortunate child feels o-ni%otent and o-niscient! %erfect and ,rilliant! .orth& of adoration and entitled to s%ecial treat-ent. The faculties that are honed ,& constantl& ,rushing against ,ruising realit& / e-%ath&! co-%assion! a realistic assess-ent of one9s a,ilities and li-itations! realistic e@%ectations of oneself and of others! %ersonal ,oundaries! tea- .or+! social

s+ills! %erse*erance and goal7orientation! not to -ention the a,ilit& to %ost%one gratification and to .or+ hard to achie*e it / are all lac+ing or -issing altogether. The child turned adult sees no reason to in*est in his s+ills and education! con*inced that his inherent genius should suffice. He feels entitled for -erel& ,eing! rather than for actuall& doing <rather as the no,ilit& in da&s gone ,& felt entitled not ,& *irtue of its -erit ,ut as the ine*ita,le! foreordained outco-e of its ,irth right=. 3n other .ords! he is not -eritocratic / ,ut aristocratic. 3n short: a narcissist is ,orn. :ut such a -ental structure is ,rittle! susce%ti,le to criticisand disagree-ent! *ulnera,le to the incessant encounter .ith a harsh and intolerant .orld. Dee% inside! narcissists of ,oth +inds <those .rought ,& HclassicH a,use and those &ielded ,& ,eing idolised= / feel inadequate! %hone&! fa+e! inferior! and deser*ing of %unish-ent. This is Millon9s -ista+e. He -a+es a distinction ,et.een se*eral t&%es of narcissists. He .rongl& assu-es that the HclassicH narcissist is the outco-e of o*er*aluation! idolisation! and s%oiling and! thus! is %ossessed of su%re-e! unchallenged! self7 confidence! and is de*oid of all self7dou,t. According to Millon! it is the Hco-%ensator&H narcissist that falls %re& to nagging self7 dou,ts! feelings of inferiorit&! and a -asochistic desire for self7 %unish-ent. Get! the distinction is ,oth .rong and unnecessar&. There is onl& ONE t&%e of narcissist / though there are T5O de*elo%-ental %aths to it. And A'' narcissists are ,esieged ,& dee%l& ingrained <though at ti-es not conscious= feelings of inadequac&! fears of failure! -asochistic desires to ,e %enalised! a fluctuating sense of self7.orth <regulated ,& Narcissistic 4u%%l&=! and an o*er.hel-ing sensation of fa+eness. The ?randiosit& ?a% <,et.een a fantasticall& grandiose / and unli-ited / self7i-age and actual / li-ited / acco-%lish-ents and achie*e-ents= is grating. 3ts recurrence threatens the %recariousl& ,alanced house of cards that is the narcissistic %ersonalit&. The narcissist finds! to his chagrin! that %eo%le out there are -uch less ad-iring! acco--odating and acce%ting than his %arents. As he gro.s old! the narcissist often ,eco-es the target of constant derision and -oc+er&! a sorr& sight indeed. His clai-s for su%eriorit& a%%ear less %lausi,le and su,stantial the -ore and the longer he -a+es the-. The narcissist then resorts to self7delusion. ;na,le to co-%letel& ignore contrarian o%inion and data / he trans-utes the-. ;na,le to face the dis-al failure that he is! the narcissist %artiall& .ithdra.s fro- realit&. To soothe and sal*e the %ain of disillusion-ent! he ad-inisters to his aching soul a -i@ture of lies!

distortions! half7truths and outlandish inter%retations of e*ents around hi-. These solutions can ,e classified thus: #*e .el'sional Narrative Sol'tions The narcissist constructs a narrati*e in .hich he figures as the hero / ,rilliant! %erfect! irresisti,l& handso-e! destined for great things! entitled! %o.erful! .ealth&! the centre of attention! etc. The ,igger the strain on this delusional charade / the greater the ga% ,et.een fantas& and realit& / the -ore the delusion coalesces and solidifies. 1inall&! if it is sufficientl& %rotracted! it re%laces realit& and the narcissist9s realit& test deteriorates. He .ithdra.s his ,ridges and -a& ,eco-e 4chiAot&%al! catatonic! or schiAoid. #*e Realit- Reno'n(ing Sol'tions The narcissist renounces realit&. To his -ind! those .ho %usillani-ousl& fail to recognise his un,ound talents! innate su%eriorit&! o*erarching ,rilliance! ,ene*olent nature! entitle-ent! cos-icall& i-%ortant -ission! %erfection! etc. / do not deser*e consideration. The narcissist9s natural affinit& .ith the cri-inal / his lac+ of e-%ath& and co-%assion! his deficient social s+ills! his disregard for social la.s and -orals / no. eru%ts and ,losso-s. He ,eco-es a full fledged antisocial <socio%ath or %s&cho%ath=. He ignores the .ishes and needs of others! he ,rea+s the la.! he *iolates all rights / natural and legal! he hold %eo%le in conte-%t and disdain! he derides societ& and its codes! he %unishes the ignorant ingrates / that! to his -ind! dro*e hi- to this state / ,& acting cri-inall& and ,& (eo%ardising their safet&! li*es! or %ro%ert&. #*e Paranoid S(*iCoid Sol'tion The narcissist de*elo%s %ersecutor& delusions. He %ercei*es slights and insults .here none .ere intended. He ,eco-es su,(ect to ideas of reference <%eo%le are gossi%ing a,out hi-! -oc+ing hi-! %r&ing into his affairs! crac+ing his e7-ail! etc.=. He is con*inced that he is the centre of -align and -al7intentioned attention. Peo%le are cons%iring to hu-iliate hi-! %unish hi-! a,scond .ith his %ro%ert&! delude hi-! i-%o*erish hi-! confine hi- %h&sicall& or intellectuall&! censor hi-! i-%ose on his ti-e! force hi- to action <or to inaction=! frighten hi-! coerce hi-! surround and ,esiege hi-! change his -ind! %art .ith his *alues! e*en -urder hi-! and so on.

4o-e narcissists .ithdra. co-%letel& fro- a .orld %o%ulated .ith such -inacious and o-inous o,(ects <reall& %ro(ections of internal o,(ects and %rocesses=. The& a*oid all social contact! e@ce%t the -ost necessar&. The& refrain fro- -eeting %eo%le! falling in lo*e! ha*ing se@! tal+ing to others! or e*en corres%onding .ith the-. 3n short: the& ,eco-e schiAoids / not out of social sh&ness! ,ut out of .hat the& feel to ,e their choice. HThe .orld does not deser*e -eH / goes the inner refrain / Hand 3 shall .aste none of -& ti-e and resources on itH. #*e Paranoid 0ggressive >$53losive? Sol'tion Other narcissists .ho de*elo% %ersecutor& delusions! resort to an aggressi*e stance! a -ore *iolent resolution of their internal conflict. The& ,eco-e *er,all&! %s&chologicall&! situationall& <and! *er& rarel&! %h&sicall&= a,usi*e. The& insult! castigate! chastise! ,erate! de-ean! and deride their nearest and dearest <often .ell .ishers and lo*ed ones=. The& e@%lode in un%ro*o+ed dis%la&s of indignation! righteousness! conde-nation! and ,la-e. Theirs is an e@egetic :edla-. The& inter%ret e*er&thing / e*en the -ost innocuous! inad*ertent! and innocent / as designed to %ro*o+e and hu-iliate the-. The& so. fear! re*ulsion! hate! and -alignant en*&. The& flail against the .ind-ills of realit& / a %athetic! forlorn! sight. :ut often the& cause real and lasting da-age / fortunatel&! -ainl& to the-sel*es. 2randiosit- and Inti<a(- ) #*e Roots oA Paranoia Paranoid ideation / the narcissist9s dee%7rooted con*iction that he is ,eing %ersecuted ,& his inferiors! detractors! or %o.erful ill7 .ishers / ser*es t.o %s&chod&na-ic %ur%oses. 3t u%holds the narcissist9s grandiosit& and it fends off inti-ac&. 2randiosit- $n*an(ing Paranoia :eing the target of relentless! u,iquitous! and un(ust %ersecution %ro*es to the %aranoid narcissist ho. i-%ortant and feared he is. :eing hounded ,& the -ight& and the %ri*ileged *alidates his %i*otal role in the sche-e of things. Onl& *ital! .eight&! crucial! essential %rinci%als are thus ,ullied and inti-idated! follo.ed and harassed! stal+ed and intruded u%on / goes his unconscious inner dialog. The narcissist consistentl& ,aits authorit& figures into %unishing hi- and thus into u%holding his delusional self7i-age as .orth& of their attention. This %ro*ocati*e ,eha*iour is called Pro(ecti*e 3dentification. The %aranoid delusions of the narcissist are al.a&s grandiose! Hcos-icH! or HhistoricalH. His %ursuers are

influential and for-ida,le. The& are after his unique %ossessions! out to e@%loit his e@%ertise and s%ecial traits! or to force hi- to a,stain and refrain fro- certain actions. The narcissist feels that he is at the centre of intrigues and cons%iracies of colossal -agnitudes. Alternati*el&! the narcissist feels *icti-ised ,& -ediocre ,ureaucrats and intellectual*es .ho consistentl& fail to a%%reciate his outstanding / reall&! un%aralleled / talents! s+ills! and acco-%lish-ents. :eing haunted ,& his challenged inferiors su,stantiates the narcissist9s co-%arati*e su%eriorit&. Dri*en ,& %athological en*&! these %&g-ies collude to defraud hi-! ,adger hi-! den& hi- his due! denigrate! isolate! and ignore hi-. The narcissist %ro(ects onto this second class of lesser %ersecutors his o.n deleterious e-otions and transfor-ed aggression: hatred! rage! and seething (ealous&. The narcissist9s %aranoid strea+ is li+eliest to eru%t .hen he lac+s Narcissistic 4u%%l&. The regulation of his la,ile sense of self7 .orth is de%endent u%on e@ternal sti-uli / adoration! adulation! affir-ation! a%%lause! notoriet&! fa-e! infa-&! and! in general! attention of an& +ind. 5hen such attention is deficient! the narcissist co-%ensates ,& confa,ulating. He constructs ungrounded narrati*es in .hich he is the %rotagonist and uses the- to force his hu-an en*iron-ent into co-%licit&. Put si-%l&! he %ro*o+es %eo%le to %a& attention to hi- ,& -is,eha*ing or ,eha*ing oddl&. Inti<a(- Retarding Paranoia Paranoia is use ,& the narcissist to .ard off or re*erse inti-ac&. The narcissist is threatened ,& inti-ac& ,ecause it reduces hi- to ordinariness ,& e@%osing his .ea+nesses and shortco-ings and ,& causing hi- to act Hnor-all&H. The narcissist also dreads the encounter .ith his dee% ,uried e-otions / hurt! en*&! anger! aggression / li+el& to ,e foisted on hi- in an inti-ate relationshi%. The %aranoid narrati*e legiti-ises inti-ac& re%elling ,eha*iours such as +ee%ing one9s distance! secrec&! aloofness! reclusion! aggression! intrusion on %ri*ac&! l&ing! desultoriness! itineranc&! un%redicta,ilit&! and idios&ncratic or eccentric reactions. ?raduall&! the narcissist succeeds to alienate and .ear do.n all his friends! colleagues! .ell7.ishers! and -ates. E*en his closest! nearest! and dearest! his fa-il& / feel e-otionall& detached and H,urnt outH.

The %aranoid narcissist ends life as an odd,all recluse / derided! feared! and loathed in equal -easures. His %aranoia / e@acer,ated ,& re%eated re(ections and ageing / %er*ades his entire life and di-inishes his creati*it&! ada%ta,ilit&! and functioning. The narcissist %ersonalit&! ,uffeted ,& %aranoia! turns ossified and ,rittle. 1inall&! ato-ised and useless! it succu-,s and gi*es .a& to a great *oid. The narcissist is consu-ed.
F rst p$!% she& on the <$ te 101 )arc ss st c *ersona% t+ , sor&ers Top c(



#*e ;nsta,le Nar(issist

Question: 3s the narcissist characterised ,& insta,ilities in all the i-%ortant as%ects of his life at the sa-e ti-e> ns!er: A narcissist is a %erson .ho deri*es his Ego <and Ego functions= fro- the reactions of his hu-an en*iron-ent to a %ro(ected! in*ented i-age called the 1alse 4elf. 4ince no a,solute control o*er such feed,ac+ of Narcissistic 4u%%l& is %ossi,le / it is ,ound to ,e *olatile / the narcissist9s *ie. of hi-self and of his surroundings is corres%ondingl& and equall& *olatile. As H%u,lic o%inionH fluctuates! so do his self7confidence! self7estee-! generall&! so does his self. E*en his con*ictions are su,(ect to a ne*er7ending *oting %rocess ,& others. The narcissistic %ersonalit& is su,(ect to insta,ilities in each and e*er& one of its di-ensions. 3t is the ulti-ate h&,rid: rigidl& a-or%hous! de*outl& fle@i,le! reliant for its sustenance on the o%inion of %eo%le! .ho- the narcissist under*alues. A large %art of this insta,ilit& is su,su-ed under the E-otional 3n*ol*e-ent Pre*ention Measures <E3PM= that 3 descri,e in the O*er*ie.. 3nsta,ilit& is so u,iquitous! so all7%er*asi*e! and so %re*alent and do-inant / that it -ight .ell ,e descri,ed as the ON'G sta,le feature of the narcissist9s %ersonalit&. The narcissist does e*er&thing .ith one goal in -ind: to attract Narcissistic 4u%%l& <attention=. An e@a-%le of this +ind of ,eha*iour: The narcissist -a& stud& a gi*en su,(ect diligentl& and in great de%th in order to i-%ress %eo%le later .ith this ne.l& acquired erudition. :ut! ha*ing ser*ed its %ur%ose! the narcissist lets the +no.ledge thus acquired e*a%orate. The narcissist -aintains a sort of a Hshort7ter-H cell or .arehouse .here he stores .hate*er -a& co-e hand& in the %ursuit of Narcissistic 4u%%l&. :ut he is al-ost ne*er reall& interested in .hat he does! studies! and

e@%eriences. 1ro- the outside! this -ight ,e %ercei*ed as insta,ilit&. :ut thin+ a,out it this .a&: the narcissist is constantl& %re%aring for life9s He@a-sH and feels that he is on a %er-anent trial. To forget -aterial studied onl& in %re%aration for an e@a-ination or for a court a%%earance is nor-al. 4hort -e-or& storage is a %erfectl& co--on ,eha*iour. 5hat sets the narcissist a%art fro- others is the fact that for hi- this is a CON4TANT state of affairs and that it affects A'' his functions! not onl& those directl& related to learning! or to e-otions! or to e@%erience! or to an& single di-ension of his life. Thus! the narcissist learns! re-e-,ers and forgets not in line .ith his real interests or ho,,ies! he lo*es and hates not the real su,(ects of his e-otions ,ut one di-ensional! utilitarian! cartoons constructed ,& hi-. He (udges! %raises and conde-ns / all fro- the narro.est %ossi,le %oint of *ie.: that of the %otential a-ount of Narcissistic 4u%%l&. He as+s not .hat he can do .ith the .orld and in it / ,ut .hat can the .orld do for hi- as far as Narcissistic 4u%%l& goes. He falls in and out of lo*e .ith %eo%le! .or+%laces! residences! *ocations! ho,,ies! interests / ,ecause the& see- to ,e a,le to %ro*ide -ore or less Narcissistic 4u%%l& and onl& ,ecause of that. 4till! narcissists ,elong to t.o ,road categories: the Hco-%ensator& sta,ilit&H and the Henhancing insta,ilit&H t&%es. "# Com$ensatory Sta%ility &'Classic'( Narcissists These narcissists isolate one or -ore <,ut ne*er -ost= as%ects of their li*es and H-a+e these as%ect6s sta,leH. The& do not reall& in*est the-sel*es in it. The sta,ilit& is -aintained ,& artificial -eans: -one&! cele,rit&!! fear. A t&%ical e@a-%le is a narcissist .ho changes nu-erous .or+%laces! a fe. careers! a -&riad of ho,,ies! *alue s&ste-s or faiths. At the sa-e ti-e! he -aintains <%reser*es= a relationshi% .ith a single .o-an <and e*en re-ains faithful to her=. 4he is his Hisland of sta,ilit&H. To fulfil this role! she (ust needs to ,e there %h&sicall&. The narcissist is de%endent u%on HhisH .o-an to -aintain the sta,ilit& lac+ing in all other areas of his life <Oto co-%ensate for his insta,ilit&=. Get! e-otional closeness is ,ound to threaten the narcissist. Thus! he is li+el& to distance hi-self fro- her and to re-ain detached and indifferent to -ost of her needs. Des%ite this cruel e-otional treat-ent! the narcissist considers her to ,e a %oint of e@it! a for- of sustenance! a fountain of This -is-atch ,et.een .hat he .ishes to recei*e and .hat he is a,le to gi*e! the narcissist %refers to den&! re%ress and ,ur& dee% in his unconscious. This is .h& he is al.a&s shoc+ed and

de*astated to learn of his .ife9s estrange-ent! infidelit&! or di*orce intentions. Possessed of no e-otional de%th! ,eing co-%letel& one trac+ -inded / he cannot fatho- the needs of others. 3n other .ords! he cannot e-%athise. Another / e*en -ore co--on / case is the Hcareer narcissistH. This narcissist -arries! di*orces and re-arries .ith diAA&ing s%eed. E*er&thing in his life is in constant flu@: friends! e-otions! (udge-ents! *alues! ,eliefs! %lace of residence! affiliations! ho,,ies. E*er&thing! that is! e@ce%t his .or+. His career is the island of co-%ensating sta,ilit& in his *olatile e@istence. This +ind of narcissist doggedl& %ursues it .ith un-itigated a-,ition and de*otion. He %erse*eres in one .or+%lace or one (o,! %atientl&! %ersistentl& and ,lindl& cli-,ing u% the ladder or treading the career %ath. 3n his %ursuit of (o, fulfil-ent and achie*e-ents! the narcissist is ruthless and unscru%ulous / and! *er& often! -ost successful. ""# Enhancing "nsta%ility &')orderline'( Narcissist The other +ind of narcissist enhances insta,ilit& in one as%ect or di-ension of his life / ,& introducing insta,ilit& in others. Thus! if such a narcissist resigns <or! -ore li+el&! is -ade redundant= / he also relocates to another cit& or countr&. 3f he di*orces! he is also li+el& to resign his (o,. This added insta,ilit& gi*es these narcissists the feeling that all the di-ensions of their life are changing si-ultaneousl&! that the& are ,eing Hunshac+ledH! that a transfor-ation is in %rogress. This! of course! is an illusion. Those .ho +no. the narcissist! no longer trust his frequent Hcon*ersionsH! HdecisionsH! HcrisesH! Htransfor-ationsH! Hde*elo%-entsH and H%eriodsH. The& see through his %retensions and declarations into the core of his insta,ilit&. The& +no. that he is not to ,e relied u%on. The& +no. that .ith narcissists! te-%orariness is the onl& %er-anence. Narcissists hate routine. 5hen a narcissist finds hi-self doing the sa-e things o*er and o*er again! he gets de%ressed. He o*erslee%s! o*er7eats! o*er7drin+s and! in general! engages in addicti*e! i-%ulsi*e! rec+less! and co-%ulsi*e ,eha*iours. This is his .a& of re7introducing ris+ and e@cite-ent into .hat he <e-otionall&= %ercei*es to ,e a ,arren life. The %ro,le- is that e*en the -ost e@citing and *aried e@istence ,eco-es routine after a .hile. 'i*ing in the sa-e countr& or a%art-ent! -eeting the sa-e %eo%le! doing essentiall& the sa-e things <e*en .ith changing content= / all Hqualif&H as stultif&ing rote.

The narcissist feels entitled to -ore. He feels it is his right / due to his intellectual su%eriorit& / to lead a thrilling! re.arding! +aleidosco%ic life. He feels entitled to force life itself! or! at least! %eo%le around hi-! to &ield to his .ishes and needs! su%re-e a-ong the- the need for sti-ulating *ariet&. This re(ection of ha,it is %art of a larger %attern of aggressi*e entitle-ent. The narcissist feels that the *er& e@istence of a su,li-e intellect <such as hi-self= .arrants concessions and allo.ances ,& others. 4tanding in line is a .aste of ti-e ,etter s%ent %ursuing +no.ledge! in*enting and creating. The narcissist should a*ail hi-self of the ,est -edical treat-ent %roffered ,& the -ost %ro-inent -edical authorities / lest the asset that he is lost to Man+ind. He should not ,e ,othered .ith tri*ial %ursuits / these lo.l& functions are ,est assigned to the less gifted. The de*il is in %a&ing %recious attention to detail. Entitle-ent is so-eti-es (ustified in a Picasso or an Einstein. :ut fe. narcissists are either. Their achie*e-ents are grotesquel& inco--ensurate .ith their o*er.hel-ing sense of entitle-ent and .ith their grandiose self7i-age. Of course! the feeling of su%eriorit& often ser*es to -as+ a cancerous co-%le@ of inferiorit&. Moreo*er! the narcissist infects others .ith his %ro(ected grandiosit& and their feed,ac+ constitutes the edifice u%on .hich he constructs his self7estee-. He regulates his sense of self .orth ,& rigidl& insisting that he is a,o*e the -adding cro.d .hile deri*ing his Narcissistic 4u%%l& fro- this *er& source. :ut there is a second angle to this a,horrence of the %redicta,le. Narcissists e-%lo& a host of E-otional 3n*ol*e-ent Pre*ention Measures <E3PM=. Des%ising routine and a*oiding it is one of these -echanis-s. Their function is to %re*ent the narcissist fro- getting e-otionall& in*ol*ed and! su,sequentl&! hurt. Their a%%lication results in an Ha%%roach7a*oidance re%etition co-%le@H. The narcissist! fearing and loathing inti-ac&! sta,ilit& and securit& / &et cra*ing the- / a%%roaches and then a*oids significant others or i-%ortant tas+s in a ra%id succession of a%%arentl& inconsistent and disconnected ,eha*iours. #*e #&o Loves oA t*e Nar(issist Narcissists Hlo*eH their s%ouses or other significant others / as long as the& continue to relia,l& %ro*ide the- .ith Narcissistic 4u%%l& <in one .ord! .ith attention=. 3ne*ita,l&! the& regard others as -ere HsourcesH! o,(ects! or functions. 'ac+ing e-%ath& and e-otional -aturit&! the narcissist9s lo*e is %athological. :ut the

%recise locus of the %atholog& de%ends on the narcissist9s sta,ilit& or insta,ilit& in different %arts of his life. 5e are! therefore! faced .ith t.o %athological for-s of narcissistic Hlo*eH. One t&%e of narcissist Hlo*esH others as one .ould attach to o,(ects. He Hlo*esH his s%ouse! for instance! si-%l& ,ecause she e@ists and is a*aila,le to %ro*ide hi- .ith Narcissistic 4u%%l&. He Hlo*esH his children ,ecause the& are %art of his self7i-age as a successful hus,and and father. He Hlo*esH his HfriendsH ,ecause / and onl& as long as / he can e@%loit the-. 4uch a narcissist reacts .ith alar- and rage to an& sign of inde%endence and autono-& in his HchargesH. He tries to HfreeAeH e*er&one around hi- in their HallocatedH %ositions and Hassigned rolesH. His .orld is rigid and i--o*a,le! %redicta,le and static! full& under his control. He %unishes for HtransgressionsH against this ordained order. He thus stifles life as a d&na-ic %rocess of co-%ro-ising and / rendering it instead a -ere theatre! a ta,leau *i*ant. The other t&%e of narcissist a,hors -onoton& and constanc&! equating the-! in his -ind! .ith death. He see+s u%hea*al! dra-a! and change / ,ut onl& .hen the& confor- to his %lans! designs! and *ie.s of the .orld and of hi-self. Thus! he does not encourage in his nearest and dearest. :& -ono%olising their li*es! he! li+e the other +ind of narcissist! also reduces theto -ere o,(ects! %ro%s in the e@citing dra-a of his life. This narcissist li+e.ise rages at an& sign of re,ellion and disagree-ent. :ut! as o%%osed to the first su,7s%ecies! he see+s to ani-ate others .ith his de-ented energ&! grandiose %lans! and -egalo-aniacal self7%erce%tion. An adrenaline (un+ie! his .orld is a .hirl.ind of co-ings and goings! reunions and se%arations! lo*es and hates! *ocations ado%ted and discarded! sche-es erected and dis-antled! ene-ies turned friends and *ice *ersa. His ;ni*erse is equall& a theatre! ,ut a -ore ferocious and chaotic one. 5here is lo*e in all this> 5here is the co--it-ent to the lo*ed one9s .elfare! the disci%line! the e@tension of oneself to incor%orate the ,elo*ed! the -utual> to ,e seen. The narcissist9s Hlo*eH is hate and fear disguised / fear of losing control and hatred of the *er& %eo%le his %recariousl& ,alanced %ersonalit& so de%ends on. The narcissist is egotisticall& co--itted onl& to his o.n .ell7,eing. To hi-! the o,(ects of his Hlo*eH are interchangea,le and inferior. He idealises his nearest and dearest not ,ecause he is s-itten ,& e-otion / ,ut ,ecause he needs to ca%ti*ate the- and to con*ince

hi-self that the& are .orth& 4ources of 4u%%l&! des%ite their fla.s and -ediocrit&. Once he dee-s the- useless! he discards and de*alues the- si-ilarl& cold7,loodedl&. A %redator! al.a&s on the loo+out! he de,ases the coin of Hlo*eH as he corru%ts e*er&thing else in hi-self and around hi-. )eturn


"t*er Peo3leBs Pain

Question: Do the& actuall& en(o& the taunting! the sadistic ,eha*iour! and the %unish-ent that al.a&s follo.s> ns!er: Most narcissists en(o& an irrational and ,rief ,urst of relief after ha*ing suffered e-otionall& <Hnarcissistic in(ur&H= or after ha*ing sustained a loss. 3t is a sense of freedo-! .hich co-es .ith ,eing unshac+led. Ha*ing lost e*er&thing! the narcissist often feels that he has found hi-self! that he has ,een re7,orn! that he has ,een charged .ith natal energ&! a,le to ta+e on ne. challenges and to e@%lore ne. territories. This elation is so addicti*e! that the narcissist often see+s %ain! hu-iliation! %unish-ent! scorn! and conte-%t / as long as the& are %u,lic and in*ol*e the attention of %eers and su%eriors. :eing %unished accords .ith the tor-enting inner *oices of the narcissist .hich +ee% telling hi- that he is ,ad! corru%t! and .orth& of %enalt&. This is the -asochistic strea+ in the narcissist. :ut the narcissist is also a sadist / al,eit an unusual one. The narcissist inflicts %ain and a,use on others. He de*alues 4ources of 4u%%l&! callousl& and off7handedl& a,andons the-! and discards %eo%le! %laces! %artnershi%s! and friendshi%s unhesitatingl&. 4o-e narcissists / though ,& no -eans the -a(orit& / actuall& EN2OG a,using! taunting! tor-enting! and frea+ishl& controlling others <HgaslightingH=. :ut -ost of the- do these things a,sent-indedl&! auto-aticall&! and! often! e*en .ithout good reason. 5hat is unusual a,out the narcissist9s sadistic ,eha*iours / %re-editated acts of tor-enting others .hile en(o&ing their anguished reactions / is that the& are goal orientated. HPureH sadists ha*e no goal in -ind e@ce%t the %ursuit of %leasure / %ain as an art for- <re-e-,er the Marquis de 4ade>=. The narcissist! on the other hand! haunts and hunts his *icti-s for a reason / he

.ants the- to reflect his inner state. 3t is all %art of a -echaniscalled Pro(ecti*e 3dentification. 5hen the narcissist is angr&! unha%%&! disa%%ointed! in(ured! or hurt / he feels una,le to e@%ress his e-otions sincerel& and o%enl& since to do so .ould ,e to ad-it his frailt&! his neediness! and his .ea+nesses. He de%lores his o.n hu-anit& / his e-otions! his *ulnera,ilit&! his susce%ti,ilit&! his gulli,ilit&! his inadequacies! and his failures. 4o! he -a+es use of other %eo%le to e@%ress his %ain and his frustration! his %ent u% anger and his aggression. He achie*es this ,& -entall& torturing other %eo%le to the %oint of -adness! ,& dri*ing the- to *iolence! ,& reducing the- to scar tissue in search of outlet! closure! and! so-eti-es! re*enge. He forces %eo%le to lose their o.n character traits / and ado%t his o.n instead. 3n reaction to his constant and .ell7targeted a,use! the& ,eco-e a,usi*e! *engeful! ruthless! lac+ing e-%ath&! o,sessed! and aggressi*e. The& -irror hi- faithfull& and thus relie*e hi- of the need to e@%ress hi-self directl&. Ha*ing constructed this .rithing hall of hu-an -irrors! the narcissist .ithdra.s. The goal achie*ed! he lets go. As o%%osed to the sadist! he is no in it! indefinitel&! for the %leasure of it. He a,uses and trau-atises! hu-iliates and a,andons! discards and ignores! insults and %ro*o+es / onl& for the %ur%ose of %urging his inner de-ons. :& %ossessing others! he %urifies hi-self! catharticall&! and e@orcises his de-ented self. This acco-%lished! he acts al-ost .ith re-orse. An e%isode of e@tre-e a,use is follo.ed ,& an act of great care and ,& -ellifluous a%ologies. The narcissistic %endulu- s.ings ,et.een the e@tre-es of torturing others and e-%athicall& soothing the resulting %ain. This incongruous ,eha*iour! these HsuddenH shifts ,et.een sadis- and altruis-! a,use and Hlo*eH! ignoring and caring! a,andoning and clinging! *iciousness and re-orse! the harsh and the tender / are! %erha%s! the -ost difficult to co-%rehend and to acce%t. These s.ings %roduce in %eo%le around the narcissist e-otional insecurit&! an eroded sense of self7 .orth! fear! stress! and an@iet& < on eggshellsH=. ?raduall&! e-otional %aral&sis ensues and the& co-e to occu%& the sa-e e-otional .asteland inha,ited ,& the narcissist! his %risoners and hostages in -ore .a&s than one / and e*en .hen he is long out of their life.
F rst p$!% she& on the <$ te 101 )arc ss st c *ersona% t+ , sor&ers Top c(



#o 0ge &it* 2ra(e

4The per#anent te#ptat on of % fe s to conf$se &rea#s / th rea% t+( Then per#anent &efeat of % fe co#es /hen &rea#s are s$rren&ere& to rea% t+(4
Da<es 9i(*ener8 0't*or

The narcissist ages .ithout -erc& and .ithout grace. His .ithered ,od& and his o*er.rought -ind ,etra& hi- all at once. He stares .ith incredulit& and rage at cruel -irrors. He refuses to acce%t his falli,ilit&. He re,els against his decre%itude and -ediocrit&. Accusto-ed to ,eing a.e7ins%iring and the reci%ient of adulation / the narcissist cannot countenance his social isolation and the %athetic figure that he cuts. As a child %rodig&! a se@ s&-,ol! a stud! a %u,lic intellectual! an actor! an idol / the narcissist .as at the centre of attention! the e&e of his %ersonal t.ister! a ,lac+ hole .hich suc+ed %eo%le9s energ& and resources dr& and s%at out .ith indifference their -utilated carcasses. No longer. 5ith old age co-es disillusion-ent. Old char-s .ear thin. Ha*ing ,een e@%osed for .hat he is / a deceitful! treacherous! -alignant egotist / the narcissist9s old tric+s no. fail hi-. Peo%le are on their guard! their gulli,ilit& reduced. The narcissist / ,eing the rigid! %recariousl& ,alanced structure that he is / can9t change. He re*erts to old for-s! re7ado%ts hoar& ha,its! succu-,s to erst.hile te-%tations. He is -ade a -oc+er& ,& his accentuated denial of realit&! ,& his o,durate refusal to gro. u%! an eternal! -alfor-ed child in the sagging ,od& of a deca&ing -an. 3t is the fa,le of the grassho%%er and the ant re*isited. The narcissist / the grassho%%er / ha*ing relied on su%ercilious stratage-s throughout his life / is singularl& ill7ada%ted to life9s rigors and tri,ulations. He feels entitled / ,ut fails to elicit Narcissistic 4u%%l&. 5rin+led ti-e -a+es child %rodigies lose their -agic! lo*ers e@haust their %otenc&! %hilanderers .aste their

allure! and geniuses -iss their touch. The longer the narcissist li*es / the -ore a*erage he ,eco-es. The .ider the gulf ,et.een his %retensions and his acco-%lish-ents / the -ore he is the o,(ect of derision and conte-%t. Get! fe. narcissists sa*e for rain& da&s. 1e. ,other to stud& a trade! or get a degree! %ursue a career! -aintain a ,usiness! +ee% their (o,s! or raise functioning fa-ilies! nurture their friendshi%s! or ,roaden their horiAons. Narcissists are %erenniall& ill7%re%ared. Those .ho succeed in their *ocation! end u% ,itterl& alone ha*ing squandered the lo*e of s%ouse! off7s%ring! and -ates. The -ore gregarious and fa-il&7orientated / often flun+ at .or+! lea% froone (o, to another! relocate erraticall&! fore*er itinerant and %eri%atetic. The contrast ,et.een his &outh and %ri-e and his dila%idated %resent constitutes a %er-anent narcissistic in(ur&. The narcissist retreats dee%er into hi-self to find solace. He .ithdra.s into the %enu-,ral uni*erse of his grandiose fantasies. There / al-ost %s&chotic / he sal*es his .ounds and co-forts hi-self .ith tro%hies of his %ast. A rare -inorit& of narcissists acce%t their fate .ith fatalis- or good hu-our. These %recious fe. are healed -&steriousl& ,& the dee%est offence to their -egalo-ania / old age. The& lose their narcissis- and confront the outer .orld .ith the %oise and co-%osure that the& lac+ed .hen the& .ere ca%ti*es of their o.n! distorted! narrati*e. 4uch changed narcissists de*elo% ne.! -ore realistic! e@%ectations and ho%es / co--ensurate .ith their talents! s+ills! acco-%lish-ents and education. 3ronicall&! it is in*aria,l& too late. The& are a*oided and ignored! rendered trans%arent ,& their chec+ered %ast. The& are %assed o*er for %ro-otion! ne*er in*ited to %rofessional or social gatherings! cold7shouldered ,& the -edia. The& are snu,,ed and disregarded. The& are ne*er the reci%ients of %er+s! ,enefits! or a.ards. The& are ,la-ed .hen not ,la-e.orth& and rarel& %raised .hen deser*ing. The& are ,eing constantl& and consistentl& %unished for .ho the& .ere. 3t is %oetic (ustice in -ore than one .a&. The& are ,eing treated narcissisticall& ,& their erst.hile *icti-s. The& finall& are tasting their o.n -edicine! the ,itter har*est of their .rath and arrogance.
F rst p$!% she& on the <$ te 101 )arc ss st c *ersona% t+ , sor&ers Top c(



#*e Inverted Nar(issist

= th contr !$t ons !+ the #e#!ers of the )arc ss s# > st

#+$ !LINI!0L PI!#;R$ 0N. .$=$L"P9$N#0L R""#S ) "P$NIN2 R$90R7S

#er<inologCode$endents Peo%le .ho de%end on other %eo%le for their e-otional gratification and the %erfor-ance of Ego or dail& functions. The& are need&! de-anding! su,-issi*e. The& fear a,andon-ent! cling and dis%la& i--ature ,eha*iours in their effort to -aintain the Hrelationshi%H .ith their co-%anion or -ate u%on .ho- the& de%end. No -atter .hat a,use is inflicted u%on the- / the& re-ain in the relationshi%. I4ee also the definition of the De%endent Personalit& Disorder in the D4M7387T)J "n*erted Narcissist Pre*iousl& called Hco*ert narcissistH! this is a code%endent .ho de%ends e@clusi*el& on narcissists <narcissist7code%endent=. 3f &ou li*e .ith a narcissist! ha*e a relationshi% .ith one! are -arried to one! .or+ .ith a narcissist! etc. / it does NOT -ean that &ou are an in*erted narcissist. To Hqualif&H as an in*erted narcissist / &ou -ust C)A8E to ,e in a relationshi% .ith a narcissist! regardless of an& a,use inflicted on &ou ,& hi-6her. Gou -ust ACT38E'G see+ relationshi%s .ith narcissists / and ON'G .ith narcissists / no -atter .hat &our <,itter and trau-atic= %ast e@%erience has ,een. Gou -ust feel EMPTG and ;NHAPPG in relationshi%s .ith ANG OTHE) +ind of %erson. Onl& THEN / AND if &ou satisf& the other diagnostic criteria

of a De%endent Personalit& Disorder / can &ou ,e safel& la,elled an Hin*erted narcissistH. Introd'(tion The D4M7387T) uses criteria to define the NPD. 3t is sufficient to %ossess M of the- to Hqualif&H as a narcissist. Thus! theoreticall&! it is %ossi,le to ,e NPD 53THO;T ,eing grandiose. Man& researchers <Ale@ander 'o.en! 2effre& 4atino*er! Theodore Millon and others= suggested a Hta@ono-&H of %athological narcissis-. The& di*ided narcissists to su,7grou%s <*er& -uch as 3 did .ith -& so-atic *ersus cere,ral narcissist dichoto-&=. 'o.en! for instance! tal+s a,out the H%hallicH narcissist *ersus others. 4atino*er and Millon -a+e a *er& i-%ortant distinction ,et.een narcissists .ho .ere raised ,& a,usi*e %arents / and those .ho .ere raised ,& doting and s-othering or do-ineering -others. ?lenn O. ?a,,ard in HPs&chod&na-ic Ps&chiatr& in Clinical PracticeH IThe D4M7387T) Edition. Co--ents on Cluster : Personalit& Disorders / Narcissistic. A-erican Ps&chiatric Press! 3nc.! "###J .e find this: 4?These cr ter a @the ,<25IV5T:AsB &ent f+ a certa n " n& of narc ss st c pat ent . spec f ca%%+1 the arro'ant1 !oastf$%1 Ano s+A n& 6 &$a% /ho &e#an&s to !e n the spot% 'ht( 3o/e6er1 the+ fa % to character se the sh+1 -$ et%+ 'ran& ose1 narc ss st c n& 6 &$a% /hose e9tre#e sens t 6 t+ to s% 'hts %ea&s to an ass &$o$s a6o &ance of the spot% 'ht(4 The D4M73337) alluded to at least T5O TGPE4 of narcissists! ,ut the D4M7387T) co--ittee chose to delete this: 4? nc%$&e& cr ter on1 Areacts to cr t c s# / th fee% n's of ra'e1 sha#e1 or h$# % at on 7e6en not f e9presse&8A &$e to %ac" of Aspec f c t+A(4 Other theoreticians! clinicians and researchers si-ilarl& suggested a di*ision ,et.een Hthe o,li*ious narcissistH <a.+.a. o*ert= and Hthe h&%er*igilant narcissistH <a.+.a. co*ert=. #*e !o<3ensator- vers's t*e !lassi( Nar(issist Another interesting distinction! suggested ,& Da*e Fell& in his e@cellent PTGPE4 5e, site Ihtt%:66....%t& is ,et.een the Co-%ensator& T&%e NPD and the Classic NPD <D4M7387T) t&%e=. Here are the Com$ensatory NPD criteria according to Da*e Fell&: 4*ersona% t+ T+pes proposes Co#pensator+ )arc ss st c *ersona% t+ , sor&er as a per6as 6e pattern of $nsta!%e1 co6ert narc ss st c !eha6 o$rs that &er 6e fro# an $n&er%+ n' sense of nsec$r t+ an& /ea"ness rather than fro# 'en$ ne fee% n's of

se%f5conf &ence an& h 'h se%f5estee#1 !e' nn n' !+ ear%+ a&$%thoo& an& present n a 6ar et+ of conte9ts1 as n& cate& !+ s 9 7or #ore8 of the cr ter a !e%o/( The !as c tra t of the Co#pensator+ )arc ss st c *ersona% t+ T+pe s a pattern of o6ert%+ narc ss st c !eha6 o$rs 7that8 &er 6e fro# an $n&er%+ n' sense of nsec$r t+ an& /ea"ness1 rather than fro# 'en$ ne fee% n's of se%f5conf &ence an& h 'h se%f5estee#(4 The Com$ensatory Narcissistic Personality Ty$e: K 4ee+s to create an illusion of su%eriorit& and to ,uild u% an i-age of high self7.orth <Millon=L K 4tri*es for recognition and %restige to co-%ensate for the lac+ of a feeling of self7.orthL K Ma& 4ac-$ re a &eprecator+ att t$&e n /h ch the ach e6e#ents of others are r & c$%e& an& &e'ra&e&4 <Millon=L K Has %ersistent as%irations for glor& and status <Millon=L K Has a tendenc& to e@aggerate and ,oast <Millon=L K 3s sensiti*e to ho. others react to hi-! .atches and listens carefull& for critical (udge-ent! and feels slighted ,& disa%%ro*al <Millon=L K 4Is prone to fee% sha#e& an& h$# % ate& an& espec a%%+ 7an9 o$s8 an& 6$%nera!%e to the C$&'e#ents of others4 <Millon=L K Co*ers u% a sense of inadequac& and deficienc& .ith %seudo7 arrogance and %seudo7grandiosit& <Millon=L K Has a tendenc& to %eriodic h&%ochondria <1or-an=L K Alternates ,et.een feelings of e-%tiness and deadness and states of e@cite-ent and e@cess energ& <1or-an=L K Entertains fantasies of greatness! constantl& stri*ing for %erfection! genius! or stardo- <1or-an=L K Has a histor& of searching for an idealised %artner and has an intense need for affir-ation and confir-ation in relationshi%s <1or-an=L K 1requentl& entertains a .ishful! e@aggerated and unrealistic conce%t of hi-self! .hich he can9t %ossi,l& -easure u% to <)eich=L K Produces <too quic+l&= .or+ not u% to the le*el of his a,ilities ,ecause of an o*er.hel-ingl& strong need for the i--ediate gratification of success <)eich=L K 3s touch&! quic+ to ta+e offence at the slightest %ro*ocation! continuall& antici%ating attac+ and danger! reacting .ith anger and fantasies of re*enge .hen he feels hi-self frustrated in his need for constant ad-iration <)eich=L

K 3s self7conscious! due to a de%endence on a%%ro*al fro- others <)eich=L K 4uffers regularl& fro- re%etiti*e oscillations of self7estee<)eich=L K 4ee+s to undo feelings of inadequac& ,& forcing e*er&one9s attention and ad-iration u%on hi-self <)eich=L K Ma& react .ith self7conte-%t and de%ression to the lac+ of fulfil-ent of his grandiose e@%ectations <)iso=. 4ources: 1or-an! Ma@. Narcissistic Disorders and the Oedi%al 1i@ations. 3n 1eldstein! 2.2. <Ed.=! The Annual of Ps&choanal&sis. 8olu-e 38. Ne. Gor+: 3nternational ;ni*ersities <1 EQ= %%. QM7 ". Millon! Theodore! and )oger D. Da*is. Disorders of Personalit&: D4M738 and :e&ond. "nd Ed. Ne. Gor+: 5ile&! <1 Q= %%. P1171". )eich! Annie! <1 DQ=. Pathological 1or-s of 4elf7Estee)egulation. 3n Morrison! A. P.! <Ed.=! Essential Pa%ers on Narcissis-. %%. PP7Q#. )e%rint fro- 1 Q#. Ps&choanal&tic 4tud& of the Child. 8olu-e 1M! %%. "#M7$". )iso! Don )ichard. Personalit& T&%es: ;sing the Enneagra- for 4elf7Disco*er&. :oston: Houghton Mifflin <1 DE= %%. 1#"7$. S$eculati*e Diagnostic Criteria +or Com$ensatory Narcissistic Personality Disorder A %er*asi*e %attern of self7inflation! %seudo7confidence! e@hi,itionis-! and stri*ings for %restige! that co-%ensates for feelings of inadequac& and lo. self7estee-! as indicated ,& the K Pseudo7confidence co-%ensating for an underl&ing condition of insecurit& and feelings of hel%lessnessL K Pretentiousness! self7inflationL K E@hi,itionis- in the %ursuit of attention! recognition! and glor&L K 4tri*ings for %restige to enhance self7estee-L K Deceitfulness and -ani%ulati*eness in the ser*ice of -aintaining feelings of su%eriorit&L K 3dealisation in relationshi%sL K 1rag-entation of the self: feelings of e-%tiness and deadnessL K A %roud! hu,ristic dis%ositionL K H&%ochondriasisL K 4u,stance a,useL K 4elf7destructi*eness. Co-%ensator& Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder corres%onds to Ernest 2ones9 narcissistic H?od Co-%le@H! Annie )eich9s

HCo-%ensator& Narcissis-H! HeinA Fohut9s HNarcissistic Personalit& DisorderH! and Theodore Millon9s HCo-%ensator& NarcissistH. Millon! Theodore! and )oger D. Da*is. Disorders of Personalit&: D4M738 and :e&ond. "nd ed. Ne. Gor+: 5ile&! 1 Q. P1171". Co-%are this to the classic t&%e: Narcissistic Personality Ty$e The ,asic trait of the Narcissistic Personalit& T&%e is a %attern of grandiosit&! need for ad-iration! and lac+ of e-%ath&. The Narcissistic Personalit& T&%e: K )eacts to criticis- .ith feelings of rage! sha-e! or hu-iliationL K 3s inter%ersonall& e@%loiti*e: ta+es ad*antage of others to achie*e his o.n endsL K Has a grandiose sense of self7i-%ortanceL K :elie*es that his %ro,le-s are unique and can ,e understood onl& ,& other s%ecial %eo%leL K 3s %reoccu%ied .ith fantasies of unli-ited success!! ,rilliance! ,eaut&! or ideal lo*eL K Has a sense of entitle-ent: an unreasona,le e@%ectation of es%eciall& fa*oura,le treat-entL K )equires -uch attention and ad-iration of othersL K 'ac+s e-%ath&: fails to recognise and e@%erience ho. others feelL K 3s %reoccu%ied .ith feelings of en*&. This is -ainl& the D4M73337) *ie.. Pa& attention to the not so su,tle changes in the D4M7387T). IMore a,out %athological narcissison: htt%:66sa-* #*e Inverted Nar(issist 3t is clear that there is! indeed! an hitherto neglected t&%e of narcissist. 3t is the Hself7effacingH or Hintro*ertedH narcissist. 5e call it the 3n*erted Narcissist <hereinafter: 3N=. Others call it Hnarcissist7code%endentH or HN7-agnetH. This is a narcissist .ho! in -an& res%ects! is the -irror i-age of the HclassicalH narcissist. No one is sure .h&. The %s&chod&na-ics of such a narcissist are not clear! nor are its de*elo%-ental roots. Perha%s it is the %roduct of an o*er.eening Pri-ar& O,(ect or caregi*er. Perha%s e@cessi*e a,use leads to the re%ression of e*en the narcissistic and other defence -echanis-s. Perha%s the %arents su%%ress e*er& -anifestation of grandiosit& <*er& co--on in earl& childhood= and of narcissis- / so that the narcissistic

defence -echanis- is Hin*ertedH and internalised in this unusual for-. These narcissists are self7effacing! sensiti*e! e-otionall& fragile! so-eti-es sociall& %ho,ic. The& deri*e all their self7estee- and sense of self7.orth fro- the outside <others=! are %athologicall& en*ious <a transfor-ation of aggression=! are li+el& to inter-ittentl& engage in aggressi*e6*iolent ,eha*iours! are -ore e-otionall& la,ile than the classic narcissist! etc. 5e can! therefore tal+ a,out three H,asicH t&%es of narcissists: 1. The offspr n' of ne'%ect n' parents / The& resort to narcissis- as the %redo-inant o,(ect relation <.ith the-sel*es as the e@clusi*e o,(ect=. ". The offspr n' of &ot n' or &o# neer n' parents 7often narc ss sts the#se%6es8 / The& internalised their %arents9 *oices in the for- of a sadistic! ideal! i--ature 4u%erego and s%end their li*es tr&ing to ,e %erfect! o-ni%otent! o-niscient and to ,e (udged Ha successH ,& these %arent7i-ages and their later re%resentations <authorit& figures=. $. The offspr n' of a!$s 6e parents / The& internalise the a,using! de-eaning and conte-%tuous *oices and s%end their li*es in an effort to elicit Hcounter7*oicesH fro- their hu-an en*iron-ent and thus to e@tract a -odicu- of self7esteeand sense of self7.orth. All three t&%es e@hi,it recursi*e! recurrent and 4is&%hean failures. 4hielded ,& their defence -echanis-s! the& constantl& gauge realit& .rongl&! their actions and reactions ,eco-e -ore and -ore rigid and ossified and the da-age inflicted ,& the- on the-sel*es and on others e*er greater. The narcissistic %arent see-s to e-%lo& a -&riad of %ri-iti*e defences in his dealings .ith his children. 4%litting / idealising the child and de*aluing hi- in c&cles! .hich reflect the internal d&na-ics of the %arent rather than an&thing the child does. Pro(ecti*e 3dentification / forcing the child into ,eha*iours and traits! .hich reflect the %arents9 fears regarding hi-self or herself! his or her self7i-age and his or her self7.orth. This is a %articularl& %o.erful and %ernicious -echanis-. 3f the narcissist %arent fears his o.n deficiencies <HdefectsH=! *ulnera,ilit&! %ercei*ed .ea+nesses! susce%ti,ilit&! gulli,ilit&! or e-otions / he is li+el& to force the child to HfeelH these re(ected and <to hi-= re%ulsi*e e-otions! to ,eha*e in .a&s strongl& a,horred ,& the %arent! to e@hi,it character traits the %arent strongl& re(ects in hi-self.

The child! in a .a&! ,eco-es the Htrash ,inH of the %arents9 inhi,itions! fears! self7loathing! self7conte-%t! %ercei*ed lac+ of self7.orth! sense of inadequac&! re(ected traits! re%ressed e-otions! failures and e-otional reticence. Cou%led .ith the %arent9s treat-ent of the child as the %arent9s e@tension! it ser*es to totall& inhi,it the %s&chological and e-otional -aturation of the child. The child ,eco-es a reflection of the %arent / a *essel through .hich the %arent e@%eriences and realises hi-self for ,etter <ho%es! as%irations! a-,ition! life goals= and for .orse <.ea+nesses! Hundesira,leH e-otions! Hnegati*eH traits=. A host of other! si-%ler! defence -echanis-s e-%lo&ed ,& the %arent are li+el& to o,scure the %redo-inant use of Pro(ecti*e 3dentification: %ro(ection! dis%lace-ent! intellectualisation! de%ersonalisation. )elationshi%s ,et.een such %arents and their %rogen& easil& deteriorate to se@ual or other -odes of a,use ,ecause there are no functioning ,oundaries ,et.een the-. 3t see-s that the child9s reaction to a narcissistic %arent can ,e either acco--odation and assi-ilation or re(ection. ccommodation and ssimilation The child acco--odates! idealises and internalises the Pri-ar& O,(ect successfull&. This -eans that the child9s Hinternal *oiceH is narcissistic and that the child tries to co-%l& .ith its directi*es and .ith its e@%licit and %ercei*ed .ishes. The child ,eco-es a -asterful %ro*ider of Narcissistic 4u%%l&! a %erfect -atch to the %arent9s %ersonalit&! an ideal source! an acco--odating! understanding and caring caterer to all the needs! .hi-s! -ood s.ings and c&cles of the narcissist! an endurer of de*aluation and idealisation .ith equani-it&! a su%er, ada%ter to the narcissist9s .orld *ie.! in short: the ulti-ate e@tension. This is .hat .e call an Hin*erted narcissistH. 5e -ust not neglect the a,usi*e as%ect of such a relationshi%. The narcissistic %arent al.a&s alternates ,et.een idealisation of his %rogen& and its de*aluation. The child is li+el& to internalise the de*aluing! a,usi*e! de-eaning! ,erating! di-inishing! -ini-ising! u%,raiding! chastising *oices. The %arent <or caregi*er= goes on to sur*i*e inside the adult <as %art of a sadistic and ideal 4u%erego and an unrealistic Ego 3deal! to resort to %s&choanal&tic %arlance=. These are the *oices that inhi,it the de*elo%-ent of reacti*e narcissis-! the child9s defence -echanis-. The child turned adult -aintains these traits. He +ee%s loo+ing for narcissists in order to feel .hole! ali*e and .anted. He .ishes

to ,e treated ,& a narcissist narcissisticall& <.hat others .ould call a,use is! to hi- or her! fa-iliar and constitutes Narcissistic 4u%%l&=. To hi-! the narcissist is a 4ource of 4u%%l& <%ri-ar& or secondar&= and the narcissistic ,eha*iours constitute Narcissistic 4u%%l&. He feels dissatisfied! e-%t& and unlo*ed if not lo*ed ,& a narcissist. The roles of Pri-ar& 4ource of Narcissistic 4u%%l& <P4N4= and 4econdar& 4ource of Narcissistic 4u%%l& <44N4= are re*ersed. To the in*erted narcissist! a s%ouse is a 4ource of P)3MA)G 4u%%l&. The other reaction to the narcissistic %arent is: Re,ection The child -a& react to the narcissis- of the Pri-ar& O,(ect .ith a %eculiar t&%e of re(ection. He de*elo%s his o.n narcissistic %ersonalit&! re%lete .ith grandiosit& and lac+ of e-%ath& / :;T his %ersonalit& is antithetical to the %ersonalit& of the narcissistic %arent. 3f the %arent .ere a so-atic narcissist / he is li+el& to ,e a cere,ral one! if his father %rided hi-self ,eing *irtuous / he is sinful! if his -other ,ragged a,out her frugalit&! he is ,ound to flaunt his .ealth. 0n 0tte<3ted .S9-St-le List oA !riteria 5e ca-e u% .ith a D4M7387T) Hst&leH in*entor& for an in*erted narcissist! using the narcissists9 characteristics as a te-%late! ,ecause the& are! in -an& .a&s t.o sides of the sa-e coin! or Hthe -ould and the -ouldedH hence H-irror narcissistH or Hin*erted narcissistH. The narcissist tries to -erge .ith an idealised ,ut ,adl& internalised o,(ect. He does so ,& HdigestingH the -eaningful others in his life and transfor-ing the- into e@tensions of his self. He e-%lo&s *arious techniques to achie*e this. To the HdigestedH this is the cru@ of the e@%erience called Hli*ing .ith a narcissistH. The Hin*erted narcissistH <3N=! on the other hand! does not atte-%t! e@ce%t in fantas& or in dangerous! -asochistic se@ual %ractice! to -erge .ith an idealised e@ternal o,(ect. This is ,ecause he so successfull& internalised the narcissistic Pri-ar& O,(ect to the e@clusion of all else. The 3N feels ill at ease in a relationshi% .ith a non7narcissist ,ecause it is unconsciousl& %ercei*ed ,& hi- to ,e H,etra&alH! HcheatingH! an a,rogation of the e@clusi*it& clause he had .ith the narcissistic Pri-ar& O,(ect. This is the ,ig difference ,et.een narcissists and their in*erted *ersion. The for-er )E2ECTED the Pri-ar& O,(ect in %articular

<and o,(ect relations in general= in fa*our of a hand& su,stitute: the-sel*es. The 3N acce%ted the <narcissist= Pri-ar& O,(ect and internalised it / to the e@clusion of all others <unless the& are %ercei*ed ,& hito ,e faithful renditions! re%licas of the narcissistic Pri-ar& O,(ect=. Criterion -NE The I) possesses a r ' & sense of %ac" of se%f5/orth( The narcissist has a ,adl& regulated sense of self7.orth. Ho.e*er this is not conscious. He goes through c&cles of self7de*aluation <and e@%eriences the- as d&s%horias=. The 3N9s sense of self7.orth does NOT fluctuate. 3t is rather sta,le / ,ut it is *er& lo.. 5hereas the narcissist de*alues others / the 3N de*alues hi-self as an offering! a sacrifice to the narcissist. The 3N %re7e-%ts the narcissist ,& de*aluing hi-self! ,& acti*el& de*aluing his o.n achie*e-ents! or talents. The 3N is e@ceedingl& distressed .hen singled out ,ecause of actual achie*e-ents or de-onstration of su%erior s+ills. The in*erted narcissist is co-%elled to filter all of his narcissistic needs through the %ri-ar& narcissist in their li*es. No inde%endence is %er-itted. The 3N feels a-%lified ,& the narcissist9s co--entar& <,ecause nothing can ,e acco-%lished ,& the in*ert .ithout the a%%ro*al of a %ri-ar& narcissist in their li*es=. Criterion TW*re5occ$p e& / th fantas es of $n% # te& !r %% ance an& !ea$t+ or of an &ea% of %o6e( s$ccess1 po/er1

This is the sa-e as the D4M7387T) criterion for Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder ,ut! .ith the 3N! it -anifests a,solutel& differentl&! i.e. the cogniti*e dissonance is shar%er here ,ecause the 3N is so a,solutel& and co-%letel& con*inced of their .orthlessness that these fantasies of grandeur are e@tre-el& %ainful HdissonancesH. 5ith the narcissist! the dissonance e@ists on t.o le*els: :et.een the ;NCON4C3O;4 feeling of lac+ of sta,le self7.orth and the grandiose fantasies AND ,et.een the grandiose fantasies and realit& <the ?randiosit& ?a%=. 3n co-%arison! the in*erted narcissist can onl& *acillate ,et.een lac+ of self7.orth and realit&. No grandiosit& is %er-itted! e@ce%t in dangerous! for,idden fantas&. This sho.s that the in*ert is %s&chologicall& inca%a,le of full& realising their inherent

%otentials .ithout a %ri-ar& narcissist to filter the %raise! adulation or acco-%lish-ents through. The& M;4T ha*e so-eone to .ho- %raise can ,e redirected. The dissonance ,et.een the 3N9s certaint& of self7.orthlessness and genuine %raise that cannot ,e deflected is li+el& to e-otionall& derail the in*erted narcissist e*er& ti-e. Criterion T.REE ;e% e6es that he s a!so%$te%+ $n5$n -$e an& $n5spec a% 7 (e(1 /orth%ess an& not /orth+ of #er'er / th the fantas se& &ea%8 an& that no one at a%% co$%& $n&erstan& h # !eca$se he s nnate%+ $n/orth+ of !e n' $n&erstoo&( The I) !eco#es 6er+ a' tate& the #ore one tr es to $n&erstan& h # !eca$se that a%so offen&s a'a nst h s r 'hteo$s sense of !e n' proper%+ e9c%$&e& fro# the h$#an race( A sense of .orthlessness is t&%ical of -an& other PDs <AND the feeling that no one could e*er understand the-=. The narcissist hi-self endures %rolonged %eriods of self7de*aluation! self7 de%recation and self7efface-ent. This is %art of the Narcissistic C&cle. 3n this sense! the in*erted narcissist is a PA)T3A' narcissist in that he is %er-anentl& fi@ated in a %art of the narcissist .heel! ne*er to e@%erience its co-%le-entar& half: the narcissistic grandiosit& and sense of entitle-ent. The Hrighteous sense of ,eing %ro%erl& e@cludedH co-es fro- the sadistic 4u%erego in concert .ith the Ho*er,earing! e@ternall& reinforced! conscienceH. Criterion F-/R ,e#an&s anon+# t+ 7 n the sense of see" n' to re#a n e9c%$&e& at a%% costs8 an& s ntense%+ rr tate& an& $nco#forta!%e / th an+ attent on !e n' pa & to h # . s # %ar to the <ch Do & *,( Criterion F"0E Fee%s that he s $n&eser6 n' an& not ent t%e&( 1eels that he is inferior to others! lac+ing! insu,stantial! un.orth&! unli+ea,le! unlo*a,le! so-eone to scorn and dis-iss! or to ignore. Criterion S"X Is e9t n'$ sh n'%+ se%f%ess1 sacr f c a%1 e6en $nct$o$s n h s nterpersona% re%at onsh ps an& / %% a6o & the ass stance of others at a%% costs( Can on%+ nteract / th others /hen he can !e seen to !e ' 6 n'1 s$pport 6e1 an& e9pen& n' an $n$s$a% effort to ass st(

4o-e narcissists ,eha*e the sa-e .a& ,ut onl& as a -eans to o,tain Narcissistic 4u%%l& <%raise! adulation! affir-ation! attention=. This -ust not ,e confused .ith the ,eha*iour of the 3N. Criterion SE0EN >ac"s e#path+( Is ntense%+ att$ne& to othersA nee&s1 !$t on%+ n so far as t re%ates to h s o/n nee& to perfor# the re-$ re& se%f5 sacr f ce1 /h ch n t$rn s necessar+ n or&er for the I) to o!ta n h s )arc ss st c <$pp%+ fro# the pr #ar+ narc ss st( :& contrast! narcissists are ne*er e-%athic. The& are inter-ittentl& attuned to others onl& in order to o%ti-ise the e@traction of Narcissistic 4u%%l& fro- the-. Criterion E"1.T En6 es others( Cannot conce 6e of !e n' en6 e& an& !eco#es e9tre#e%+ a' tate& an& $nco#forta!%e f e6en !ro$'ht nto a s t$at on /here co#par son # 'ht occ$r . %oathes co#pet t on an& / %% a6o & co#pet t on at a%% costs1 f there s an+ chance of act$a%%+ / nn n' the co#pet t on1 or !e n' s n'%e& o$t( Criterion N"NE , sp%a+s e9tre#e sh+ness1 %ac" of an+ rea% re%at ona% connect ons1 s p$!% c%+ se%f5effac n' n the e9tre#e1 s nterna%%+ h 'h%+ #ora% st c an& cr t ca% of othersF s a perfect on st an& en'a'es n %en'th+ r t$a% st c !eha6 o$rs1 /h ch can ne6er !e perfect%+ perfor#e& 7o!sess 6e5co#p$%s 6e1 tho$'h not necessar %+ to the f$%% e9tent e9h ! te& n 0C,8( )ot ons of !e n' n& 6 &$a% st c are anathe#a( #*e Rea(tive Patterns oA t*e Inverted Nar(issist >IN? The in*erted narcissist does not suffer fro- a H-ilderH for- of narcissis-. 'i+e the HclassicH narcissists! it has degrees and shades. :ut it is -uch -ore rare and the D4M7387T) *ariet& is the -ore %re*alent. The in*erted narcissist is lia,le to react .ith rage .hene*er threatened! orS S5hen en*ious of other %eo%le9s achie*e-ents! their a,ilit& to feel .holeness! ha%%iness! re.ards and successes! .hen his sense of self7.orthlessness is enhanced ,& a ,eha*iour! a co--ent! an e*ent! .hen his lac+ of self7.orth and *oided self7estee- is TH)EATENED. Thus! this t&%e of narcissist -ight sur%risingl& react *iolentl& or rage7full& to ?OOD things: a +ind re-ar+! a -ission

acco-%lished! a re.ard! a co-%li-ent! a %ro%osition! a se@ual ad*ance=. S5hen thin+ing a,out the %ast! .hen e-otions and -e-ories are e*o+ed <usuall& negati*e ones= ,& certain -usic! a gi*en s-ell! or sight. S5hen his %athological en*& leads to an all7%er*asi*e sense of in(ustice and ,eing discri-inated against or treated un(ustl& ,& a s%iteful .orld. S5hen he encounters stu%idit&! a*arice! dishonest&! ,igotr& / it is these qualities in hi- that the narcissist reall& fears and re(ects so *ehe-entl& in others. S5hen he ,elie*es that he failed <and he al.a&s entertains this ,elief=! that he is i-%erfect and useless and .orthless! a good for nothing half7,a+ed creature. S5hen he realises to .hat e@tent his inner de-ons %ossess hi-! constrain his life! tor-ent hi-! defor- hi- and the ho%elessness of it all. Then e*en the in*erted narcissist rages. He ,eco-es *er,all& and e-otionall& a,usi*e. He uncannil& %ierces the soft s%ots of his target! and -ercilessl& dri*es ho-e the %oisoned dagger of des%air and self7loathing until it infects his ad*ersar&. The cal- after such a stor- is e*en eerier! a thundering silence. The narcissist regrets his ,eha*iour ,ut rarel& ad-its his feelings! though he -ight a%ologise %rofusel&. He si-%l& nurtures his feelings as &et another .ea%on of self7 destruction and self7defeat. 3t is fro- this *er& su%%ressed self7 conte-%t! fro- this *er& re%ressed and intro*erted (udge-ent! fro- this -issing e-otional atone-ent that the narcissistic rage s%rings forth. Thus the *icious c&cle is esta,lished. One i-%ortant difference ,et.een in*erted narcissists and non7 narcissists is that the for-er are less li+el& to react .ith PT4D <Post Trau-atic 4tress Disorder= a relationshi% .ith a narcissist. The& see- to ,e HdesensitisedH to narcissists ,& their earl& u%,ringing. 5hereas the reactions of nor-al %eo%le to narcissistic ,eha*iour %atterns <and es%eciall& to the s%litting and Pro(ecti*e 3dentification defence -echanis-s and to the idealisation de*aluation c&cles= is shoc+! %rofound hurt and disorientation / in*erted narcissists sho. none of the a,o*e. #*e LiAe oA t*e Inverted Nar(issist >IN? The 3N is! usuall&! e@ceedingl& and %ainfull& sh& as a child. Des%ite this social %ho,ia! his grandiosit& <a,sor,ed fro- the %arent= -ight direct hi- to see+ Hli-elightH %rofessions and occu%ations!

.hich in*ol*e e@%osure! co-%etition! Hstage frightH and social friction. The setting can *ar& fro- the li-ited <fa-il&= to the e@%ansi*e <national -edia= / ,ut! .hate*er it is! the result is constant conflict and feelings of disco-fort! e*en terror and e@tre-e e@cite-ent and thrill <Hadrenaline rushH=. This is ,ecause the 3N9s grandiosit& is Hi-%ortedH and not full& integrated. 3t is! therefore! not su%%orti*e of his HgrandioseH %ursuits <as is the case .ith the narcissist=. On the contrar&! the 3N feels a.+.ard! %itted on the edge of a %reci%ice! contri*ed! false and -isleading! not to sa& deceitful. The in*erted narcissist gro.s u% in a su%%ressi*e en*iron-ent. 3t could ,e an orthodo@! h&%er7religious! or traditionalist culture! a -ono*alent! H,lac+ and .hiteH! doctrinarian and indoctrinating societ& / or a fa-il& .hich -anifests all the a,o*e in a -icrocosall its o.n. The in*erted narcissist is cast in a negati*e <e-ergent= role .ithin his fa-il&. His Hnegati*it&H is attri,uted to his gender! the order of his ,irth! religious! social! or cultural dictates and co--and-ents! his Hcharacter fla.sH! his relation to a s%ecific %erson or e*ent! his acts or inaction and so on. 3n the .ords of one such 3N: H3n the religious culture 3 gre. u% in. 5o-en are 4O su%%ressed! their roles are so carefull& restricted. The& are the re%resentation! in the flesh! of all that is sinful! degrading! of all that is .rong .ith the .orld. These are the negati*e gender6cultural i-ages that .ere force fed to us the negati*e 9otherness9 of .o-en! as defined ,& -en! .as fed to -e. 3 .as so sh&! .ithdra.n! una,le to reall& relate to %eo%le at all fro- as earl& as 3 can re-e-,er.H The 3N is su,(ected and e@%osed either to an o*er,earing! o*er*alued %arent! or to an aloof! detached! e-otionall& una*aila,le one / or to ,oth / at an earl& stage of his life. H3 gre. u% in the shado. of -& father .ho adored -e! %ut -e on a %edestal! told -e 3 could do or ,e an&thing 3 .anted ,ecause 3 .as incredi,l& ,right! :;T! he ate -e ali*e! 3 .as his %ro%ert& and an e@tension of hi-. 3 also gre. u% .ith the -ounting hatred of -& narcissist ,rother .ho got none of this attention fro- our father and got no attention fro- our -other either. M& function .as to -a+e -& father loo+ .onderful in the e&es of all outsiders! the .onderful %arent .ith a genius 5under+ind as his last child! and the onl& child of the si@ that he .as %h&sicall& %resent to raise fro- the get go. The o*er*aluation co-,ined .ith ,eing a,(ectl& ignored or raged at ,& hi- .hen 3 ste%%ed out of line e*en the tiniest ,it! .as enough to .ar% -& %ersonalit&.H

The in*ert cannot! or is %re*ented fro- de*elo%ing full7,lo.n secondar& narcissis-. The in*ert is so hea*il& %reoccu%ied in his or her %re7school &ears in satisf&ing the narcissistic %arent! that the traits of grandiosit& and self7lo*e! need for adoration and Narcissistic 4u%%l& fro- ANG *ia,le source re-ain dor-ant or re%ressed. The in*ert si-%l& H+no.sH that onl& the narcissistic %arent can %ro*ide the requisite a-ount of Narcissistic 4u%%l&. The narcissistic %arent is so controlling that an& atte-%t to garner %raise or adulation fro- an& other source <.ithout the a%%ro*al of the %arent= is se*erel& %unished ,& s.ift de*aluation and e*en the occasional s%an+ing or a,use <%h&sical! e-otional! or se@ual=. This is a *ital %art of the conditioning that gi*es rise to in*erted narcissis-. 5here the narcissist e@hi,its grandiosit&! the in*ert is intensel& unco-forta,le .ith %ersonal %raise! and .ishes to al.a&s di*ert %raise a.a& fro- hi-self onto his narcissist. This is .h& the 3N can onl& trul& 1EE' an&thing .hen he is in relationshi% .ith another narcissist. The 3N is conditioned and %rogra--ed fro- the *er& ,eginning to ,e the %erfect co-%anion to the narcissist. To feed their Ego! to ,e %urel& their e@tension! to see+ onl& %raise and adulation if it ,rings greater %raise and adulation to the narcissist. #*e Inverted Nar(issistBs S'rvival 2'ide K 'isten attenti*el& to e*er&thing the narcissist sa&s and agree .ith it all. Don9t ,elie*e a .ord of it ,ut let it slide as if e*er&thing is (ust fine! ,usiness as usual. K Offer so-ething a,solutel& unique to the narcissist .hich the& cannot o,tain an&.here else. Also ,e %re%ared to line u% future 4ources of Pri-ar& N4 for &our narcissist ,ecause &ou .ill not ,e 3T for *er& long! if at all. 3f &ou ta+e o*er the %rocuring function for the narcissist! the& ,eco-e that -uch -ore de%endent on &ou .hich -a+es it a ,it tougher for the- to %ull their haught& stuff / an ine*ita,ilit&! in an& case. K :e endlessl& %atient and go .a& out of &our .a& to ,e acco--odating! thus +ee%ing the Narcissistic 4u%%l& li,erall&! and +ee%ing the %eace <relati*el& s%ea+ing=. K ?et tre-endous %ersonal satisfaction out of endlessl& gi*ing. This one -a& not ,e attracti*e to &ou! ,ut it is a ta+e it or lea*e it %ro%osition.

K :e a,solutel& e-otionall& and financiall& inde%endent of the narcissist. Ta+e .hat &ou need: the e@cite-ent and engulf-ent <i.e.! N4= and refuse to get u%set or hurt .hen the narcissist does or sa&s so-ething du-,. Gelling ,ac+ .or+s reall& .ell ,ut should ,e reser*ed for s%ecial occasions .hen &ou fear &our narcissist -a& ,e on the *erge of lea*ing &ouL the silent treat-ent is ,etter as an ordinar& res%onse! ,ut it -ust ,e de*oid of e-otional content! -ore .ith the air of ,oredo- and H39ll tal+ to &ou later! .hen 3 a- good and read&! and .hen &ou are ,eha*ing in a -ore reasona,le fashion.H K 3f &our narcissist is cere,ral and NOT interested in ha*ing -uch se@ / then gi*e &ourself a-%le %er-ission to ha*e se@ .ith other %eo%le. Gour cere,ral narcissist .ill not ,e indifferent to infidelit& so discretion and secrec& is of %ara-ount i-%ortance. K 3f &our narcissist is so-atic and &ou don9t -ind! (oin in on endlessl& interesting grou% se@ encounters ,ut -a+e sure that &ou choose %ro%erl& for &our narcissist. The& are heedless and *er& undiscri-inating in res%ect of se@ual %artners and that can get *er& %ro,le-atic <4TDs and ,lac+-ail co-e to -ind=. K 3f &ou are a Hfi@erH .hich -ost in*erted narcissists are! then focus on fi@ing situations! %refera,l& ,efore the& ,eco-e HsituationsH. Don9t for one -o-ent delude &ourself that &ou can 13T the narcissist / it si-%l& .ill not ha%%en. Not ,ecause the& are ,eing stu,,orn / the& (ust si-%l& can9t ,e fi@ed. K 3f there is an& fi@ing that can ,e done! it is to hel% &our narcissist ,eco-e a.are of their condition! and this is 8E)G 3MPO)TANT! .ith no negati*e i-%lications or accusations in the %rocess at all. 3t is li+e li*ing .ith a %h&sicall& handica%%ed %erson and ,eing a,le to discuss! cal-l&! une-otionall&! .hat the li-itations and ,enefits of the handica% are and ho. the t.o of &ou can .or+ .ith these factors! rather than tr&ing to change the-. K 13NA''G! and -ost i-%ortant of all for the in*erted narcissist: FNO5 GO;)4E'1. 5hat are &ou getting fro- the relationshi%> Are &ou actuall& a -asochist> 5h& is this relationshi% attracti*e and interesting> Define for &ourself .hat good and ,eneficial things &ou ,elie*e &ou are recei*ing in this relationshi%. Define the things that &ou find har-ful TO GO;. De*elo% strategies to -ini-ise the har- to &ourself.

Don9t e@%ect that &ou .ill cogniti*el& ,e a,le to reason .ith the narcissist to change .ho the& are. Gou -a& ha*e so-e li-ited success in getting &our narcissist to tone do.n on the reall& har-ful ,eha*iours THAT A11ECT GO;! .hich e-anate fro- the unchangea,le 5HAT the narcissist is. This can onl& ,e acco-%lished in a *er& trusting! fran+ and o%en relationshi%. 5e fir-l& ,elie*e that it is onl& the in*erted narcissist .ho can ha*e a reasona,l& good! long lasting relationshi% .ith the narcissist. Gou -ust ,e %re%ared to gi*e &our narcissist a 'OT of s%ace and lee.a&. Gou don9t reall& e@ist for the- as a full& realised %erson / no one does. The& are not full& realised %eo%le so the& cannot %ossi,l& ha*e the s+ills! no -atter ho. s-art or se@&! to ,e a co-%lete %erson in the sense that -ost adults are co-%lete. So<ati( vers's !ere,ral Inverted Nar(issists >IN? The in*erted narcissist is reall& an erst.hile narcissist internalised ,& the 3N. 3ne*ita,l&! .e are li+el& to find a-ong the in*erted the sa-e %ro%ensities! %redilections! %references and inclinations as .e do a-ong %ro%er narcissists. The cere,ral 3N is an 3N .hose source of *icarious Pri-ar& Narcissistic 4u%%l& lies / through the -ediu- and -ediation of a narcissist / in the e@ercise of his intellectual faculties. A so-atic 3N .ould tend to -a+e use of his ,od&! se@! sha%e or health in tr&ing to secure N4 for HhisH narcissist. The in*erted narcissist feeds on the %ri-ar& narcissist and this is his Narcissistic 4u%%l&. 4o these t.o t&%ologies can! in essence ,eco-e a self7su%%orting! s&-,iotic s&ste-. 3n realit& though! ,oth the narcissist and the in*erted narcissist need to ,e quite .ell a.are of the d&na-ics of this relationshi% in order to -a+e this .or+ as a successful long7ter- arrange-ent. 3t -ight .ell ,e that this s&-,iosis .ould onl& .or+ ,et.een a cere,ral narcissist and a cere,ral in*ert. The so-atic narcissist9s ca%ricious se@ual dalliances .ould ,e far too threatening to the equani-it& of the cere,ral in*ert for there to ,e -uch chance of this succeeding! e*en for a short ti-e. 3t .ould see- that onl& o%%osing t&%es of narcissists can get along .hen t.o classic narcissists are in*ol*ed in a cou%le. 3t follo.s! s&llogisticall&! that onl& identical t&%es of narcissist and in*erted narcissist can sur*i*e in a cou%le. 3n other .ords: the ,est! -ost enduring cou%les of narcissist and his in*erted

narcissist -ate .ould in*ol*e a so-atic narcissist and a so-atic 3N / or a cere,ral narcissist and a cere,ral 3N. !o3ing &it* Nar(issists and Non-Nar(issists The in*erted narcissist is a %erson .ho gre. u% enthralled ,& the narcissistic %arent. This %arent engulfed and su,su-ed the child9s ,eing to such an o*er7,earing e@tent that the child9s %ersonalit& .as irre*oca,l& sha%ed ,& this engulf-ent! da-aged ,e&ond ho%e of re%air. The child .as not e*en a,le to de*elo% defence -echanis-s such as narcissis-. The end result is an in*erted narcissistic %ersonalit&. The traits of this %ersonalit& are %ri-aril& e*ident in relationshi% conte@ts. The child .as conditioned ,& the narcissistic %arent to onl& ,e entitled to feel .hole! useful! %roducti*e! co-%lete .hen the child aug-ented or -irrored to the %arent their o.n sought after narcissistic i-age. As a result the child is sha%ed ,& this engulf-ent and cannot feel co-%lete in an& significant adult relationshi% unless the& are .ith a narcissist. The "n*erted Narcissist in Relationshi$ !ith the Narcissist The in*erted narcissist is dra.n to significant relationshi%s .ith other narcissists in his adulthood. These relationshi%s are usuall& s%ousal %ri-ar& relationshi%s ,ut can also ,e friendshi%s .ith narcissists outside of the %ri-ar& lo*e relationshi%. 3n a %ri-ar& relationshi%! the in*erted narcissist atte-%ts to re7 create the %arent7child relationshi%. The in*ert thri*es on -irroring to the narcissist his o.n grandiosit& and in so doing the in*ert o,tains his O5N Narcissistic 4u%%l& <the de%endence of the narcissist u%on the in*ert for their 4econdar& Narcissistic 4u%%l&=. The in*ert -ust ha*e this for- of relationshi% .ith a narcissist in order to feel co-%lete and .hole. The in*ert .ill go as far as he needs to ensure that the narcissist is ha%%&! cared for! %ro%erl& adored! as he feels is the narcissist9s right. The in*ert glorifies his narcissist! %laces hi- on a %edestal! endures an& and all narcissistic de*aluation .ith cal- equani-it&! i-%er*ious to the o*ert slights of the narcissist. Narcissistic rage is handled deftl& ,& the in*erted narcissist. The in*ert is e@ceedingl& ade%t at -anaging e*er& as%ect of his life! tightl& controlling all situations! so as to -ini-ise the %otential for the ine*ita,le narcissistic rages of his narcissist. The in*ert .ishes to ,e su,su-ed ,& the narcissist. The in*ert onl& feels trul& lo*ed and ali*e in this +ind of relationshi%. The

in*ert is loth to a,andon his relationshi%s .ith narcissists. The relationshi% onl& ends .hen the narcissist .ithdra.s co-%letel& fro- the s&-,iosis. Once the narcissist has deter-ined that the in*ert is of no further use! and .ithholds all Narcissistic 4u%%l& fro- the in*ert! onl& then does the in*ert reluctantl& -o*e on to another relationshi%. The in*ert is -ost li+el& to equate se@ual inti-ac& .ith engulf-ent. This can ,e easil& -isread to -ean that the in*ert is hi-self or herself a so-atic narcissist! ,ut it .ould ,e incorrect. The in*ert can endure &ears of -ini-al se@ual contact .ith their narcissist and still ,e a,le to -aintain the self7delusion of inti-ac& and engulf-ent. The in*ert finds a -&riad of other .a&s to H-ergeH .ith the narcissist! ,eco-ing inti-atel&! though onl& in su%%ort roles! in*ol*ed .ith the narcissist9s ,usiness! career! or an& other acti*it& .here the in*ert can feel that the& are needed ,& the narcissist and indis%ensa,le. The in*ert is an e@%ert at doling out Narcissistic 4u%%l& and e*en goes as far as %rocuring Pri-ar& Narcissistic 4u%%l& for their narcissist <e*en .here this -eans finding another lo*er for the narcissist! or %artici%ating in grou% se@ .ith the narcissist=. ;suall& though! the in*ert see-s -ost attracted to the cere,ral narcissist and finds hi- easier to -anage than the so-atic narcissist. The cere,ral narcissist is disinterested in se@ and this -a+es life considera,l& easier for the in*ert! i.e.! the in*ert is less li+el& to HloseH their cere,ral narcissist to another %ri-ar& %artner. A so-atic narcissist -a& ,e %rone to changing %artners .ith greater frequenc& or .ish to ha*e no %artner! %referring to ha*e -ulti%le! casual se@ual relationshi%s of no a%%arent de%th .hich ne*er last *er& long. The in*ert regards relationshi%s .ith narcissists as the ON'G true and legiti-ate for- of %ri-ar& relationshi%. The in*ert is ca%a,le of ha*ing %ri-ar& relationshi%s .ith non7narcissists. :ut .ithout engulf-ent! the in*ert feels unneeded! un.anted and e-otionall& unin*ol*ed. Relationshi$s %et!een the "n*erted Narcissist and Non2Narcissists The in*erted narcissist can -aintain relationshi%s outside of the s&-,iotic %ri-ar& relationshi% .ith a narcissist. :ut the in*ert does not HfeelH lo*ed ,ecause the non7narcissist is not HengulfingH the-. Thus! the in*ert tends to de*alue their non7narcissistic %ri-ar& %artner as less than .orth& of the in*erts9 lo*e and attention. The in*ert -a& ,e a,le to sustain a relationshi% .ith a non7 narcissist ,& finding other narcissistic s&-,iotic relationshi%s

outside of this %ri-ar& relationshi%. The in*ert -a& ha*e a narcissistic friend! to .ho- he %a&s e@traordinar& attention! ignoring the real needs of the non7narcissistic %artner. Consequentl&! the onl& se-i7sta,le %ri-ar& relationshi% ,et.een the in*ert and the non7narcissist occurs .here the non7 narcissist is *er& eas& going! e-otionall& secure and not needing -uch fro- the in*ert at all ,& .a& of ti-e! energ& or co--it-ent to acti*ities requiring the in*ol*e-ent of ,oth %arties. 3n a relationshi% .ith this +ind of narcissist! the in*ert -a& ,eco-e a .or+aholic or *er& in*ol*ed in outside acti*ities that e@clude the non7narcissist s%ouse. 3t a%%ears that the in*erted narcissist in a relationshi% .ith a non7narcissist is ,eha*iourall& indistinguisha,le fro- a true narcissist. The onl& i-%ortant e@ce%tion is that the in*ert does not rage at his non7narcissist %artner / he instead .ithdra.s fro- the relationshi% e*en further. This %assi*e7aggressi*e reaction has ,een noted! though! .ith narcissists as .ell.
IN=$R#$. 0N. "#+$R 0#4PI!0L E P0R#I0L >N"S? N0R!ISSIS#S

Inverted Nar(issists #alk a,o't #*e<selves Com$etition and &Pathological( En*y 4I ha6e a &+na# c that co#es $p / th e6er+ s n'%e person I 'et c%ose to1 /here I fee% e9tre#e%+ co#pet t 6e to/ar& an& en6 o$s of the other person( ;$t I &onAt ACT co#pet t 6e1 !eca$se at the 6er+ o$tset1 I see #+se%f as the %oser n the co#pet t on( I /o$%& ne6er &rea# of tr+ n' to !eat the other person1 !eca$se I "no/ &eep n #+ heart that the+ /o$%& / n an& I /o$%& !e $tter%+ h$# % ate&( There are fe/er th n's on earth that fee% /orse to #e than %os n' a contest an& ha6 n' the other person '%oat o6er #e1 espec a%%+ f the+ "no/ ho/ #$ch I care& a!o$t not %os n'( Th s s one th n' that I act$a%%+ fee% 6 o%ent a!o$t( I '$ess I ten& to proCect the 'ran& os t+ part of the )*, pac"a'e onto the other person rather than on a Fa%se E'o of #+ o/n( <o #ost of the t #e IA# st$c" n a state of &eep resent#ent an& en6+ to/ar& her( To #e1 sheAs a%/a+s far #ore nte%% 'ent1 % "a!%e1 pop$%ar1 ta%ente&1 se%f5conf &ent1 e#ot ona%%+ &e6e%ope&1 #ora%%+ 'oo&1 an& attract 6e than I a#( An& I rea%%+ hate her for that1 an& fee% h$# % ate& !+ t( <o tAs ncre& !%+ har& for #e to fee% happ+ for th s person /hen she has a s$ccess1 !eca$se IA# o6erco#e / th h$# % at on a!o$t #+se%f( Th s has r$ ne& #an+ a c%ose re%at onsh p( I ten& to 'et th s /a+ a!o$t one person at a t #e1 $s$a%%+ the person /ho s p%a+ n' the ro%e of A#+ !etter ha%fA1 !est

fr en&s or %o6ersGpartners( <o tAs not % "e IA# $na!%e to !e happ+ for an+one1 e6er1 or that I en6+ e6er+ person I #eet( I &onAt 'et o!sesse& / th ho/ r ch or !ea$t f$% #o6 e stars are or an+th n' % "e that( It on%+ 'ets proCecte& onto th s partner5person1 the person IA# &epen& n' on the #ost n ter#s of s$pp% es 7attent on1 reass$rance1 sec$r t+1 !$ %& n' $p #+ se%f5estee#1 etc(8? ?The rea%%+ &estr$ct 6e th n' that happens s1 I see her 'ran& ose tra ts as ' 6 n' her the po/er to ha6e an+th n' an& an+one she /ants( <o I fee% a !as c nsec$r t+1 !eca$se /h+ sho$%& she sta+ / th a %oser % "e #e1 /hen sheAs o!6 o$s%+ so o$t of #+ %ea'$eH <o rea%%+1 /hat IA# en6 o$s of s the po/er that a%% that ta%ent1 soc a% a! % t+1 !ea$t+1 etc(1 ' 6es her to ha6e C30ICE< . the cho ce to sta+ or %ea6e #e( =hereas I a# $tter%+ &epen&ent on her( ItAs th s e#ot ona% ne-$a% t+ that I f n& so h$# % at n'(4 4I a'ree / th the n6erte& narc ss st &es 'nat on . so#et #es IA6e ca%%e& #+se%f a Ac%oset narc ss stA( That s1 IA6e nterna% se& the 6a%$e s+ste# of 'ran& os t+1 !$t ha6e not app% e& the 'ran& ose &ent t+ to #+se%f( I !e% e6e I <30I>, ;E those 'ran& ose th n's1 !$t at the sa#e t #e1 I "no/ IA# not an& IA# # sera!%e a!o$t t( <o peop%e &onAt th n" of #e as ha6 n' an nf%ate& E'o . an& n&ee& I &onAt . !$t scratch the s$rface1 an& +o$A%% f n& a%% these nf%ate& e9pectat ons( I #ean to sa+ that perhaps the parents s$ppresse& e6er+ #an festat on of 'ran& os t+ 76er+ co##on n ear%+ ch %&hoo&8 an& of narc ss s# . so that the &efence #echan s# that narc ss s# s /as A n6erte&A an& nterna% se& n th s $n$s$a% for#(4 42a+!e there arenAt t/o & screte states 7)*, 6s( Are'$%arA %o/ se%f5estee#8 . #a+!e tAs #ore of a cont n$$#( An& #a+!e tAs C$st the &e'ree an& &epth of the pro!%e# that & st n'$ shes one fro# the other( 2+ therap st &escr !es )*, as Athe na! % t+ to %o6e onese%fA( As she &ef nes t1 the Anarc ss st c /o$n&A s a &eep /o$n& n' of the sense of se%f1 the #a'e of onese%f( That &oesnAt #ean that other & sor&ers . or for that #atter1 other % fe stressors . canAt a%so ca$se %o/ se%f5estee#( ;$t I th n" )*, I< %o/ se%f5estee#? ThatAs /hat the & sor&er s rea%%+ a!o$t . an #a'e of +o$rse%f that s profo$n&%+ ne'at 6e1 an& the na! % t+ to atta n a nor#a% an& hea%th+ se%f5 #a'e?4 4Jes1 IA# a s$r6 6or of ch %& a!$se( ;$t re#e#!er that not a%% a!$se s a% "e( There are & fferent " n&s of a!$se1 an& & fferent effects( 2+ KKKAs st+%e of a!$se ha& to &o / th tr+ n' to ann h %ate #e as a separate person( It a%so ha& to &o / th the

nee& to p$t a%% h s ne'at 6e se%f5 #a'e onto #e . to see n #e /hat he hate& n h #se%f( <o I 'ot to p%a+ the ro%e of the %oser that he secret%+ feare& he /as( I /as f% ppe& !ac" an& forth n those ro%es . so#et #es IA& !e a <o$rce of )< for h #1 an& other t #es I /as the receptac%e of a%% h s pa n an& ra'e( <o#et #es #+ s$ccesses /ere $se& to ref%ect !ac" on h #1 to sho/ off to the rest of the fa# %+( 0ther t #es1 #+ s$ccesses /ere threaten n' to #+ father1 /ho s$&&en%+ feare& that I /as s$per or to h # an& ha& to !e s-$e%che&( I e9per ence e#ot ons that #ost peop%e I "no/ &onAt fee%( 0r #a+!e the+ &o fee% the#1 !$t to far %ess e9tre#e ntens t+( For e9a#p%e1 the en6+ an& co#par sonGco#pet t on I fee% to/ar& others( I '$ess #ost of $s ha6e e9per ence& r 6a%r+1 Cea%o$s+1 !e n' co#pare& to others( 2ost of $s ha6e fe%t en6+ at anotherAs s$ccess( Jet #ost peop%e I "no/ see# a!%e to o6erco#e those fee% n's to so#e e9tent1 to !e a!%e to f$nct on nor#a%%+( In a co#pet t on1 for e9a#p%e1 the+ #a+ !e &r 6en to &o the r !est so the+ can / n( For #e1 the fear of %os n' an& !e n' h$# % ate& s so ntense that I a6o & co#pet t on co#p%ete%+( I a# terr f e& of sho/ n' peop%e that I care a!o$t &o n' /e%%1 !eca$se tAs so sha# n' for #e f I %ose( <o I $n&erach e6e an& preten& I &onAt care( 2ost peop%e I "no/ #a+ en6+ another personAs 'oo& %$c" or s$ccess1 !$t t &oesnAt pre6ent the# fro# a%so !e n' happ+ for the# an& s$pport n' the#( ;$t for #e1 /hen IA# n a co#pet t 6e &+na# c / th so#eone1 I canAt hear a!o$t an+ of the r s$ccesses1 or co#p% #ents the+A6e rece 6e&1 etc( I &onAt e6en % "e to see the person &o n' 'oo& th n's1 % "e !r n' n' Than"s' 6 n' %efto6ers to the s c" o%& '$+ ne9t &oor1 !eca$se those th n's #a"e #e fee% nfer or for not th n" n' of &o n' that #+se%f 7an& not ha6 n' an+one n #+ % fe that IA& &o that for8( ItAs C$st so ncre& !%+ pa nf$% for #e to see e6 &ence of the other personAs 'oo& -$a% t es1 !eca$se t ##e& ate%+ !r n's $p #+ fee% n' of nfer or t+( I canAt e6en stan& to &ate so#eone1 /ho %oo"s rea%%+ 'oo&1 !eca$se IA# Cea%o$s of the r 'oo& %oo"sL <o th s &eep an& o!sess 6e en6+ has &estro+e& #+ Co+ n other peop%e( A%% the th n's a!o$t other peop%e that I %o6e an& ta"e p%eas$re n s a &o$!%e5e&'e& s/or& !eca$se I a%so hate the# for t1 for ha6 n' those 'oo& -$a% t es 7/h %e1 pres$#a!%+1 I &onAt8( I &onAt "no/ . &o +o$ th n" th s s 'ar&en5 6ar et+ %o/ se%f5estee#H I "no/ p%ent+ of peop%e /ho s$ffer fro# %ac" of conf &ence1 fro# t # & t+1 soc a% a/"/ar&ness1 hatre& of the r !o&+1 fee% n' $n%o6a!%e1 etc( ;$t the+ &onAt ha6e th s " n& of host %e1 corros 6e resent#ent of another person for !e n' a%% the /on&erf$% th n's that the+ canAt !e1 or arenAt a%%o/e& to !e1

etc( An& one th n' I hate s /hen peop%e are C$&'e#enta% of #e a!o$t ho/ I fee%1 as tho$'h I can he%p t( ItAs % "e1 AJo$ sho$%&nAt !e so se%f sh1 +o$ sho$%& fee% happ+ for her that sheAs s$ccessf$%A1 etc( The+ &onAt $n&erstan& that I /o$%& %o6e to fee% those th n's1 !$t I canAt( I canAt stop the ncre& !%e pa n that e9p%o&es n #e /hen these fee% n's 'et tr ''ere&1 an& I often canAt e6en 3I,E the fee% n's( ItAs C$st so o6er/he%# n'( I fee% so &a#a'e& so#et #es( ThereAs #ore1 !$t thatAs the cr$9 of t for #e1 an+/a+(4 1etting Com$liments 4I %o6e 'ett n' co#p% #ents an& re/ar&s1 an& &o not react ne'at 6e%+ to the#( In so#e #oo&s1 /hen #+ se%f5hate has 'otten tr ''ere&1 I can so#et #es 'et to p%aces /here IA# nconso%a!%e1 !eca$se I 'et st$c" n ! tterness an& se%f5p t+1 an& so I &o$!t the s ncer t+ or the re% a! % t+ of the 'oo& th n' that so#eone s sa+ n' to #e 7to tr+ to cheer #e $p or /hate6er8( ;$t1 f IA# n a reasona!%e #oo& an& so#eone offers #e so#eth n' 'oo&1 IA# a%% too happ+ to accept tL I &onAt ha6e a sta"e n sta+ n' # sera!%e(4 The Partiality o+ the Condition 4I &o a'ree that tAs 7at+p ca% or n6erte& narc ss s#8 not 2I>,E:( ;$t ho/ I see t s that tAs *A:TIA>( The part thatAs there s C$st as &estr$ct 6e as t s n the t+p ca% narc ss st( ;$t there are parts # ss n' fro# that tota%1 f$%%5!%o/n & sor&er . an& I see that as hea%th+1 act$a%%+( I see t as parts of #+se%f that =E:E)AT nfecte& !+ the patho%o'+1 that are st %% ntact( In #+ case1 I & & not &e6e%op the o6er/een n' E'o part of the & sor&er( <o n a sense1 /hat +o$ ha6e / th #e s the na"e& patho%o'+1 / th no co6er n': no s$a6eness1 no char#1 no char s#a1 no conf &ence1 no pers$as 6eness1 !$t a%so no e9c$ses1 no % es1 no C$st f cat ons for #+ fee% n's( M$st the $'%+ se%f5hate1 for a%% to see( An& the se%f5hate part s C$st as !a& as t s / th a f$%%5!%o/n narc ss st1 so a'a n1 tAs not # %&er( ;$t !eca$se I &onAt ha6e the &en a% part of the & sor&er1 I ha6e a %ot #ore ns 'ht1 a %ot #ore #ot 6at on to &o so#eth n' a!o$t #+ pro!%e#s 7 (e(1 I Ase%f5referA to therap+81 an& therefore1 I th n"1 a %ot #ore hope of 'ett n' !etter than peop%e /hose &efence n6o%6es tota%%+ &en+ n' the+ e6en ha6e a pro!%e#(4 4=hen #+ f$%%5!%o/n KKKAs patho%o' ca% en6+ /o$%& 'et tr ''ere&1 he /o$%& respon& !+ p$tt n' &o/n the person he /as en6 o$s of . or !+ p$tt n' &o/n the acco#p% sh#ent tse%f1 or /hate6er 'oo& st$ff the other person ha&( 3eA& tr 6 a% se t1 or o$tr 'ht contra& ct t1 or f n& so#e /a+ to con6 nce the other

person 7often #e8 that the th n' the+Are fee% n' 'oo& a!o$t snAt rea%1 or snAt /orth/h %e1 or s so#eho/ !a&1 etc( 3e co$%& &o th s !eca$se the nf%ate& E'o &efence /as f$%%+ for#e& an& operat n' / th h #( =hen 2J patho%o' ca% en6+ 'ets tr ''ere&1 I / %% !e !%$nt%+ honest a!o$t t( IA%% sa+ so#eth n' se%f5p t+ n'1 s$ch as: AJo$ a%/a+s 'et the 'oo& st$ff1 an& I 'et noth n'AF AJo$Are so #$ch !etter than IAF A*eop%e % "e +o$ !etter . +o$ ha6e 'oo& soc a% s" %%s an& IA# a Cer"AF an& so on( 0r I # 'ht e6en 'et host %e an& sarcast c: A=e%%1 t #$st !e n ce to ha6e so #an+ peop%e /orsh pp n' +o$1 snAt tHA I &onAt tr+ to con6 nce #+se%f that the other personAs s$ccess snAt rea% or /orth/h %e1 etc( Instea&1 IA# tota%%+ f%oo&e& / th the pa n of fee% n' $tter%+ nfer or an& /orth%ess . an& thereAs no /a+ for #e to con6 nce #+se%f or an+one e%se other/ se( IA# not sa+ n' that the th n's I sa+ are p%easant to hear . an& t s st %% #an p$%at 6e of #e to sa+ the#1 !eca$se the other personAs attent on s &ra/n a/a+ fro# the r Co+ an& onto #+ pa n an& host % t+( An& nstea& of &o$!t n' the r s$ccessAs /orth or rea% t+1 the+ fee% '$ %t+ a!o$t t1 or a!o$t ta%" n' a!o$t t1 !eca$se t h$rts #e so #$ch( <o fro# the other personAs po nt of 6 e/1 #a+!e tAs not an+ eas er to % 6e / th a part a% narc ss st than / th a f$%%5!%o/n1 n that the r Co+s an& s$ccesses %ea& to pa n n !oth cases( ItAs certa n%+ not eas er for #e1 !e n' f%oo&e& / th ra'e an& pa n nstea& of !e n' a!%e to h &e !eh n& a &e%$s on of 'ran&e$r( ;$t fro# #+ therap stAs po nt of 6 e/1 IA# #$ch !etter off !eca$se I "no/ IA# $nhapp+ . tAs n #+ face a%% the t #e( <o IA# #ot 6ate& to /or" on t an& chan'e t( An& t #e has !orne her /or&s o$t( 06er the past se6era% +ears that IA6e /or"e& on th s ss$e1 I ha6e chan'e& a 'reat &ea% n ho/ I &ea% / th t( )o/ /hen the en6+ 'ets tr ''ere&1 I &onAt fee% so ent/ ne& / th the other person . I reco'n se that tAs #+ 0=) pa n 'ett n' tr ''ere&1 not so#eth n' the+ are &o n' to #e( An& so I can ac"no/%e&'e the pa n n a #ore respons !%e /a+1 ta" n' o/nersh p of t !+ sa+ n'1 AThe Cea%o$s+ fee% n's are 'ett n' tr ''ere& a'a n1 an& IA# fee% n' /orth%ess an& nfer or( Can +o$ reass$re #e that IA# notHA ThatAs a %ot !etter than #a" n' so#e sn &e1 host %e1 or se%f5p t+ n' co##ent that p$ts the other person on the &efens 6e or #a"es the# fee% '$ %t+? I &o prefer the ter# Apart a%A !eca$se thatAs /hat t fee%s % "e to #e( ItAs % "e a !$ %& n' thatAs part a%%+ !$ %t . the ho$se of narc ss s#( For #e1 the str$ct$re s there1 !$t not the o$ts &e1 so +o$ can see ns &e the s"e%eton to a%% the C$n" thatAs ns &e( ItAs the sa#e C$n" thatAs ns &e a f$%%5!%o/n narc ss st1 !$t the r !$ %& n' s co#p%ete&1 so

+o$ canAt see ns &e( The r !$ %& n' s a fortress1 an& tAs a%#ost #poss !%e to !r n' t &o/n( 2+ &efences arenAt as stron' ? /h ch #a"es #+ % fe #ore & ff c$%t n so#e /a+s !eca$se I :EA>>J fee% #+ pa n( ;$t t a%so #eans that the ho$se can !e !ro$'ht &o/n #ore eas %+1 an& the C$n" ns &e c%eane& o$t?4 Thin3ing a%out the Past and the World 4I &onAt $s$a%%+ 'et ra'ef$% a!o$t the past( I fee% sort of e#ot ona%%+ c$t5off fro# the past1 act$a%%+( I re#e#!er e6ents 6er+ c%ear%+1 !$t $s$a%%+ canAt re#e#!er the fee% n's( =hen I &o re#e#!er the fee% n's1 #+ react on s $s$a%%+ one of sa&ness1 an& so#et #es of re% ef that I can 'et !ac" n to$ch / th #+ past( ;$t not ra'e( A%% #+ ra'e see#s to 'et & sp%ace& on the c$rrent peop%e n #+ % fe(4 4?=hen I see so#eone !e n' rea%%+ soc a%%+ a/"/ar& an& 'ee"+1 pass 6e5a''ress 6e1 n& rect an& 6 ct #5% "e1 t &oes tr ''er an'er n #e !eca$se I &ent f+ / th that person an& I &onAt /ant to( I tr+ to p$t #+ ne'at 6e fee% n's onto the#1 to see that person as the Cer"1 not #e . thatAs /hat a narc ss st &oes1 after a%%( ;$t for #e t &oesnAt co#p%ete%+ /or" !eca$se I "no/1 consc o$s%+1 /hat IA# tr+ n' to &o( An& $%t #ate%+1 IA# not " && n' an+one1 %east of a%% #+se%f(4 Sel+2Pity and De$ression 42ore se%f5p t+ an& &epress on here . not so #$ch ra'e( 0ne of the th n's that tr ''ers #+ ra'e #ore than an+th n' e%se s the na! % t+ to contro% another person1 the na! % t+ to &o# nate the# an& force #+ rea% t+ on the#( I fee% #potent1 h$# % ate&1 force& !ac" on #+ e#pt+ se%f( *art of /hat IA# fee% n' here s en6+: that person /ho canAt !e contro%%e& c%ear%+ has a se%f an& I &onAt1 an& I C$st hate the# for t( ;$t tAs a%so a po/er str$''%e . I /ant to 'et )arc ss st c <$pp%+ !+ !e n' n contro% an& on top an& ha6 n' the other person s$!# ss 6e an& co#p% ant?4 Regretting4 dmitting 5ista3es 4I re'ret #+ !eha6 o$r horr !%+1 an& I ,0 a&# t #+ fee% n's( I a# a%so a!%e1 n the after#ath1 to ha6e e#path+ for the fee% n's of the person IA6e h$rt1 an& IA# horr !%+ sa& a!o$t t1 an& asha#e& of #+se%f( ItAs as tho$'h IA& !een possesse& !+ a &e#on1 acte& o$t a%% th s a!$s 6e horr !%e st$ff1 an& then1 after the &epart$re of the &e#on1 IA# !ac" n #+ r 'ht # n& an& tAs % "e1 A=hat ha6e I ,0)EHHHA I &onAt #ean IA# not respons !%e for /hat I & & 7 (e(1 a &e#on #a&e #e &o t8( ;$t /hen IA# tr ''ere&1 I ha6e no e#path+

. I can on%+ see #+ proCect on onto that person1 as a h$'e threat to #e1 so#eone /ho #$st !e &e#o% she&( ;$t /hen #+ hea& c%ears1 I see that personAs pa n1 h$rt1 fear . an& I fee% terr !%e( I /ant to #a"e t $p to the#( An& that fee% n' s tota%%+ s ncere . tAs not an act( IA# 'en$ ne%+ sorr+ for the pa n IA6e ca$se& the other person(4 Rage 4I /o$%&nAt sa+ that #+ ra'e co#es fro# represse& se%f5conte#pt 7# ne s not represse& . IA# tota%%+ a/are of t8( An& tAs not # ss n' atone#ent e ther1 s nce I &o atone( The ra'e co#es fro# fee% n' h$# % ate&1 fro# fee% n' that the other person has so#eho/ sa& st ca%%+ an& '%eef$%%+ #a&e #e fee% nfer or1 that the+Are 'ett n' off on !e n' s$per or1 that the+Are #oc" n' #e an& r & c$% n' #e1 that the+ ha6e scorn an& conte#pt for #e an& f n& t a%% 6er+ a#$s n'( That . /hether rea% or #a' ne& 7$s$a%%+ #a' ne&8 . s /hat ca$ses #+ ra'e(4 Pursuing Relationshi$s !ith Narcissists 4There are so#e 6er+ fe/ of $s /ho act$a%%+ see" o$t re%at onsh ps / th narc ss sts( =e &o th s / th the f$%% "no/%e&'e that /e are not /ante&1 &esp se& e6en( =e pers st an& p$rs$e no #atter the conse-$ences1 no #atter the cost( I a# an A n6erte& narc ss stA( It s !eca$se as a ch %& I /as A #pr nte&Gf 9ate&A / th a part c$%ar pattern n6o%6 n' re%at onsh ps( I /as en'$%fe& so co#p%ete%+ !+ #+ fatherAs persona% t+ an& represse& so se6ere%+ !+ 6ar o$s other factors n #+ ch %&hoo& that I s #p%+ & &nAt &e6e%op a reco'n sa!%e persona% t+( I e9 ste& p$re%+ as an e9tens on of #+ father( I /as h s 'en $s =$n&er" n&( 3e 'nore& #+ #other an& po$re& a%% h s ener'+ an& effort nto #e( I & & not &e6e%op f$%%5!%o/n secon&ar+ narc ss s#? I &e6e%ope& nto the perfect Aother ha%fA of the narc ss sts #o$%& n' #e( I !eca#e the perfect1 ea'er co&epen&ent( An& th s s an #pr nt1 a pattern n #+ ps+che1 a /a+ of 7not8 re%at n' to the /or%& of re%at onsh ps !+ on%+ !e n' a!%e to tr$%+ re%ate to one person 7#+ father8 an& then one " n& of person . the narc ss st( 3e s #+ perfect %o6er1 #+ perfect #ate1 a f t that s so s% c" an& s#ooth1 so co#forta!%e an& effort%ess1 so f %%e& / th #ean n' an& act$a% fee% n's . thatAs the other th n'( I cannot fee% on #+ o/n( I a# nco#p%ete( I can on%+ fee% /hen I a# en'$%fe& !+ another 7f rst t /as #+ father8 an& no/ . /e%% no/ t has to !e a narc ss st( )ot C$st an+ narc ss st e ther( 3e #$st !e e9cee& n'%+

s#art1 'oo& %oo" n'1 ha6e a&e-$ate repro&$ct 6e e-$ p#ent an& so#e "no/%e&'e on ho/ to $se t an& thatAs a!o$t t( =hen I a# en'$%fe& !+ so#eone % "e th s I fee% co#p%ete&1 I can act$a%%+ FEE>( I a# /ho%e a'a n( I f$nct on as a s !+%1 an orac%e1 an e9tens on of the narc ss st( 3 s f ercest protector1 h s p$r6e+orGproc$rer of )<1 the secretar+1 or'an ser1 #ana'er1 etc( I th n" +o$ 'et the p ct$re an& th s ' 6es #e I)TE)<E *>EA<I:E( <o the ans/er to +o$r -$est on: A=h+ /o$%& an+one /ant to !e / th so#eone /ho &oesnAt /ant the# !ac"HA The short ans/er s1 A;eca$se there s no one e%se re#ote%+ /orth %oo" n' at(A4 5a3ing mends 4I #ost%+ apo%o' se1 an& I ' 6e the person space to ta%" a!o$t /hat h$rt the# so that 718 the+ 'et to e9press the r an'er or h$rt to #e1 an& 728 I can $n&erstan& !etter an& "no/ !etter ho/ not to h$rt the# 7 f I can a6o & t8 the ne9t t #e thereAs a conf% ct( <o#et #es the h$rt I ca$se s $n ntent ona% . #a+!e IA6e !een nsens t 6e or for'etf$% or so#eth n'1 n /h ch case I fee% #ore certa n that I can a6o & repeat n' the h$rtf$% !eha6 o$r1 s nce I & &nAt /ant to h$rt the# n the f rst p%ace( If the h$rt I ca$se& has to &o / th #+ 'ett n' #+ tr ''er p$%%e& an& 'o n' nto a ra'e1 then that h$rt /as -$ te &e% !erate1 a%tho$'h at the t #e I /as $na!%e to e9per ence the other person as 6$%nera!%e or capa!%e of !e n' h$rt !+ #e( An& I &o rea% se that f that tr ''er s p$%%e& a'a n1 t # 'ht happen a'a n( ;$t I a%so hope that thereA%% !e a >ITT>E TI)J / n&o/ /here the #e#or+ of the con6ersat on / %% co#e !ac" to #e /h %e IA# n #+ ra'e1 an& IA%% re#e#!er that the person rea%%+ I< 6$%nera!%e( I hope that !+ hear n' o6er an& o6er that the person act$a%%+ &oes fee% h$rt !+ /hat I sa+ /h %e n ra'es1 that I # 'ht re#e#!er that /hen I a# tr ''ere& an& ra' n'( <o1 #ost%+ I apo%o' se an& tr+ to co##$n cate / th the other person( I &onAt 6er!a%%+ se%f5f%a'e%%ate1 !eca$se thatAs #an p$%at 6e( )ot to sa+ I ne6er &o that . n fact IA6e ha& a &+na# c / th peop%e /here I 6er!a%%+ p$t #+se%f &o/n an& tr+ to en'a'e the other person nto ar'$ n' #e o$t of t( ;$t f IA# n the # &&%e of apo%o' s n' to the other person for h$rt n' the#1 then I fee% % "e th s s the r #o#ent1 an& I &onAt /ant to t$rn the foc$s to/ar& 'ett n' the# to tr+ to #a"e #e fee% !etter( I / %% ta%" a!o$t #+se%f1 !$t on%+ n an atte#pt to co##$n cate1 so that /e can $n&erstan& each other !etter( I # 'ht sa+1 AI 'ot tr ''ere& a!o$t s$ch5an&5s$ch1 an& +o$ see#e& so n6$%nera!%e that t enra'e& #eA1 etc( . an& the other person # 'ht react / th1 A;$t I /as fee% n' 6$%nera!%e1 I C$st co$%&nAt

sho/ tA1 etc( . an& /eA%% 'o !ac" an& forth % "e that( <o tAs not % "e I &onAt th n" #+ fee% n's co$nt1 an& I &o /ant the other person to I),E:<TA), #+ fee% n's1 !$t I &onAt /ant to p$t the other person n the ro%e of ta" n' care of #+ fee% n's n that #o#ent1 !eca$se the+ ha6e C$st !een h$rt !+ #e an& IA# tr+ n' to #a"e t $p to the#1 not s-$eeDe #ore st$ff 0IT of the#?4 4<o /hen IA6e !een a rea% Cer" to so#eone1 I /ant the# to fee% % "e tAs 0N to !e p sse& off at #e1 an& I /ant the# to "no/ that I a# ntereste& n an& foc$se& on ho/ the+ fee%1 not C$st on ho/ I fee%( As for ' fts . I $se& to &o that1 !$t e6ent$a%%+ I ca#e to fee% that that /as #an p$%at 6e1 too1 that t #$&&%e& th n's !eca$se then the other person /o$%& fee% % "e the+ co$%&nAt !e an'r+ an+#ore1 s nce after a%%1 IA6e C$st !ro$'ht the# th s n ce ' ft( I a%so fee% that n 'enera%1 ' ft5' 6 n' s a s/eet an& ten&er th n' to &o1 an& I &onAt /ant to s$%%+ that ten&erness !+ assoc at n' t / th the h$rt that co#es fro# a!$s 6e !eha6 o$r(4 Why Narcissists6 4I a# ;II>T th s /a+( I #a+ ha6e o6erstate& t !+ sa+ n' that I ha6e Ano cho ceA !eca$se1 n fact I &o( The cho ce s . % 6e n an e#ot ona%%+ &ea&ene& #onochro#e /or%& /here I can reasona!%+ nteract / th nor#a% peop%e 0: I can choose to !e / th a narc ss st n /h ch case #+ /or%& s Techn co%or1 e#ot ona%%+ sat sf+ n'1 a% 6e an& /on&ro$s 7a%so can !e t$r!$%ent an& a rea% ro%%er coaster r &e for the $nprepare&1 not to #ent on ncre& !%+ &a#a' n' for peop%e /ho are not n6erte& narc ss sts an& /ho fa%% nto re%at onsh ps / th narc ss sts8( As I ha6e /a%"e& on !oth s &es of the street1 an& !eca$se I ha6e &e6e%ope& cop n' #echan s#s that protect #e rea%%+ -$ te /e%%1 I can reasona!%+ safe%+ en'a'e n a pr #ar+1 nt #ate re%at onsh p / th a narc ss st / tho$t 'ett n' h$rt !+ t( The rea% =3J of t a%% s that I %earne&1 as a +o$n' ch %&1 that !e n' Aeaten a% 6eA !+ a narc ss st parent1 to the po nt /here +o$r e9 stence s !$t an e9tens on of h s o/n1 /as ho/ a%% re%at onsh ps o$'ht to /or"( It s a ps+cho%o' ca% #pr nt . #+ A%o6e #apA1 t s /hat fee%s r 'ht to #e ntr ns ca%%+( A pattern of % 6 n' . I &onAt "no/ ho/ e%se to &escr !e t so +o$ an& others / %% $n&erstan& ho/ 6er+ nat$ra% an& nor#a% th s s for #e( It s not the tort$ro$s e9 stence that #ost of the s$r6 6ors of narc ss s# are reco$nt n' on th s % st( 2+ e9per ences / th narc ss sts1 to #e1 A:E )0:2A> for #e( Co#forta!%e % "e an o%& pa r of s% ppers that f t perfect%+( I &onAt

e9pect #an+ peop%e to atte#pt to &o th s1 to A#a"e the#se%6es ntoA th s " n& of person( I &onAt th n" an+one co$%&1 f the+ tr e&( It s #+ nee& to !e en'$%fe& an& #er'e& that &r 6es #e to these re%at onsh ps an& /hen I 'et those nee&s #et I fee% #ore nor#a%1 !etter a!o$t #+se%f( I a# the o$ter e9tens on of the narc ss st( In #an+ /a+s I a# a 6an'$ar&1 a p$!% c t/o5/a+ /arn n' s+ste#1 f erce%+ &efen& n' #+ narc ss st fro# har#1 an& f erce%+ %o+a% to h #1 cater n' to h s e6er+ nee& n or&er to protect h s fra' %e e9 stence( These are the &+na# cs of #+ part c$%ar 6ers on of en'$%f#ent( I &onAt nee& an+one to ta"e care of #e( I nee& on%+ to !e nee&e& n th s 6er+ part c$%ar /a+1 !+ a narc ss st /ho ne6 ta!%+ possesses the a! % t+ to en'$%f n a /a+ that nor#a%1 f$%%+ rea% se& a&$%ts cannot( It s so#e/hat para&o9 ca% . I fee% freer an& #ore n&epen&ent / th a narc ss st than / tho$t one( I ach e6e #ore n #+ % fe /hen I a# n th s for# of re%at onsh p( I tr+ har&er1 /or" har&er1 a# #ore creat 6e1 th n" !etter of #+se%f1 e9ce% n #ost e6er+ aspect of #+ % fe(4 4?I 'o ahea& an& cater to h # an& preten& that h s /or&s &onAt h$rt1 an& %ater1 I en'a'e n an nterna% f 'ht / th #+se%f for !e n' so &a#ne& s$!# ss 6e( ItAs a constant !att%e an& I canAt see# to &ec &e /h ch 6o ce n #+ hea& I sho$%& % sten to? I fee% % "e a foo%1 +et1 I /o$%& rather !e a foo% / th h # than a %one%+1 /e%%5 ro$n&e& /o#an / tho$t h #( IA6e often sa & that the on%+ /a+ that /e can sta+ to'ether s !eca$se /e fee& off of each other( I ' 6e h # e6er+th n' he nee&s an& he ta"es t( <ee n' h # happ+ an& p%ease& s /hat ' 6es #e p%eas$re( I fee% 6er+ s$ccessf$% then(4 Partial NPD 4I &o th n" tAs $nco##on for ' r%s to &e6e%op these patterns1 as the+ are $s$a%%+ tra ne& to !e se%f5effac n'( I certa n%+ /asL 3o/e6er1 I ha6e a %ot of the 6er+ sa#e $n&er%+ n' patterns that f$%%5!%o/n1 o!no9 o$s%+ e'ot st ca% )*As ha6e1 !$t I a# not e'ot st ca% !eca$se I & &nAt &e6e%op the pattern of nf%ate& E'o an& 'ran& os t+( A%% the rest of t s there1 tho$'h: fra' %e E'o1 %ac" of a centre or se%f1 s$per5sens t 6e to cr t c s# an& reCect ons1 patho%o' ca%1 o!sess 6e en6+1 co#par sons an& co#pet t 6e att t$&es to/ar& others1 a !e% ef that e6er+one n the /or%& s e ther s$per or or nfer or to #e1 an& so on( <o#et #es I " n& of / sh I ha& &e6e%ope& the nf%ate& E'o of a co#p%ete )*1 !eca$se then I /o$%& at %east !e a!%e to h &e fro# a%% the pa n I fee%( ;$t at the sa#e t #e1 IA# '%a& I & &nAt1 !eca$se

those peop%e ha6e a #$ch %o/er chance of reco6er+ . ho/ can the+ reco6er f the+ &onAt ac"no/%e&'e an+th n' s /ron'H =hereas tAs prett+ c%ear to #e I ha6e pro!%e#s1 an& IA6e spent #+ % fe /or" n' on the# an& tr+ n' to chan'e #+se%f an& hea%(4 Narcissist2Non Narcissist nd Narcissist2"n*erted Narcissist Cou$les 4Can a ) an& a non5) e6er #a nta n a %on' %ast n' #arr a'eH It /o$%& see# that a non5) /o$%& ha6e too #$ch se%f5estee# to %en& h #se%f to a % fet #e of cater n' an& pan&er n' to an )As $nen& n' nee& for $nearne& a&orat on an& '%or+( I1 as a non5)? 'ot t re& of these peop%e an& the r $nre# tt n' atte#pts to &ra n #+ ps+che / th n a re%at 6e%+ short per o& of t #e an& a!an&one& the# as soon as I rea% se& /hat I /as &ea% n' / th to preser6e #+ o/n san t+(4 4It &epen&s on the non5narc ss st1 rea%%+( )arc ss s# s a :IOI,1 s+ste# c pattern of responses( It s so a%%5per6as 6e an& a%%5 enco#pass n' that t s a *E:<0)A>ITJ & sor&er( If the non5 narc ss st s co&epen&ent1 for nstance1 then the narc ss st s a perfect #atch for h # an& the $n on / %% %ast?4 4Jo$ ha6e to p #p for the narc ss st1 nte%%ect$a%%+1 an& se9$a%%+( If +o$r narc ss st s so#at c1 +o$ are #$ch !etter off % n n' $p the se9 partners than %ea6 n' t to h #( Inte%%ect$a% p #p n' s #ore 6ar e&( Jo$ can th n" of /on&erf$% th n's an& then s$!t%+ str n' o$t the &ea1 n the #ost &e% cate of pac"a'es an& /atch the narc ss st co' tate the r /a+ to Athe rA !r %% ant & sco6er+ /h %st +o$ !as" n the '%o/ of the r perfect on an& s$ccess? The po nt of th s ent re e9erc se s to ass$re J0I: s$pp%+1 /h ch s the narc ss st h #se%f1 not to p$n sh +o$rse%f !+ ' 6 n' a/a+ a 'reat &ea or a!ase +o$rse%f !eca$se1 of co$rse1 J0I are not /orth+ of ha6 n' s$ch a 'reat &ea on +o$r o/n . !$t /ho "no/s1 t #a+ see# that /a+ to the n6erte& narc ss st( It rea%%+ &epen&s on ho/ se%f5a/are the n6erte& s(4 4The on%+ reCect on +o$ nee& to fear s the poss ! % t+ of %os n' the narc ss st an& f one s &o n' e6er+th n' e%se r 'ht1 th s s 6er+ $n% "e%+ to happenL <o !+ Ae#ot ona%%+ n&epen&entA I a# ta%" n' a!o$t !e n' se%f5ass$re&1 &o n' +o$r o/n th n'1 ha6 n' a % fe1 fee% n' stron' an& 'oo& a!o$t +o$rse%f1 'ett n' e#ot ona% s$stenance fro# other peop%e( I #ean1 %etAs face t1 a &r$' s a &r$' s a ha! t( 3a! ts C$st are1 an& /hat the+ A:E )0T are the !e a%% an& en& a%% of %o6e1 co## t#ent an& serene s+##etr ca%1 !a%ance& e#ot ona% perfect on that s the &ea% of the

ro#ant c se& A%o6e5for5a5% fet #eA a%%5A#er can re%at onsh p &rea#(4 47I a#8 terr !%+ t$rne& on !+ narc ss sts( The #ost e9c t n' #o#ents of #+ % fe n e6er+ 6en$e ha6e !een / th narc ss sts( It s as f % 6 n' an& %o6 n' / th nor#a% peop%e s a 're+ th n' !+ co#par son1 not f$e%%e& !+ s$ff c ent a&rena% ne( I fee% % "e a C$n" e1 no/1 that I no %on'er per# t #+se%f the ' &&+ p%eas$re of the :I<3 I $se& to "no/ /hen I /as &eep%+ an& hope%ess%+ n6o%6e& / th an )( I a# % "e a %ot$s5eater( An& I a%/a+s fe%t '$ %t+ a!o$t th s an& a%so sorr+ that I e6er s$cc$#!e& that f rst t #e to #+ f rst narc ss st %o6er(4 4I a# e9act%+ th s /a+ an& I fee% e9act%+ as +o$ &o1 that the /or%& s a sep a #ot on p ct$re !$t /hen I a# nt #ate%+ n6o%6e& / th a narc ss st1 t !rea"s o$t nto three5& #ens ona% Techn co%or an& I can see an& fee% n /a+s that are not a6a %a!%e to #e other/ se( In #+ case I &e6e%ope& th s 7 n6erte& narc ss s#8 as a res$%t of !e n' the fa6o$r te of #+ father /ho so co#p%ete%+ a!sor!e& #e nto h s persona% t+ that I /as not a!%e to &e6e%op a sense of separat on( <o I a# st$c" n th s persona% t+ #atr 9 of nee& n' to !e en'$%fe&1 a&ore& !+ an& co#p%ete%+ ta"en o6er !+ a narc ss st n #+ % fe( In t$rn1 I /orsh p1 &efen&1 re'$%ate an& proc$re )arc ss st c <$pp%+ for #+ narc ss st( It s % "e the #o$%& an& the #o$%&e&(4 4In #+ case1 I rea% se that /h %e I canAt stop %o6 n' #+ c$rrent narc ss st1 t snAt necessar+ for #e to a6o & as %on' as I can $n&erstan&( In #+ /a+ of %oo" n' at t1 he s &eser6 n' of %o6e1 an& s nce I can ' 6e h # %o6e / tho$t t h$rt n' #e1 then as %on' as he nee&s t1 he sha%% ha6e t(4 42+ persona% theor+ s that &o'#at c re% ' o$s c$%t$re s a retar& n' nf%$ence on the 'ro/th an& #at$rat on of those hea6 %+ n6o%6e& . #ore an& #ore a$tono#+ 7an& hence persona% respons ! % t+8 see#s to !e !% the%+ sacr f ce& to the 'ro$p # n&Gsp r t( It s as tho$'h the ch$rch #e#!ers !eco#e one persona% t+ an& that persona% t+ s narc ss st c an& the n& 6 &$a% C$st fo%&s $n&er the /e 'ht of that " n& of 'ro$p press$re . part c$%ar%+ f +o$ are a ch %&(4 4If I & sp%a+e& !eha6 o$r that #a&e #+ KKK %oo" 'oo& to others1 I /as ns p &%+ o6er6a%$e&( =hen I &are& !e so#eth n' other than /ho she /ante& #e to !e1 the sarcast c cr t c s# an& tota% &e6a%$at on /as $n!e% e6a!%e( <o1 I %earne& to !e a%% th n's to a%% peop%e( I 'et a hea6en%+ h 'h fro# s$rren&er n' #+ po/er to a narc ss st1 to cater n' to the#1 n ha6 n' the# o6er6a%$e an& nee& #e1 an& t s the on%+ t #e that I tr$%+ fee% a% 6e?4

4=e ha6e 6er+ % tt%e cho ce n a%% of th s( =e are as 6acant an& /arpe& as the narc ss st( KKK s /ont to sa+1 AI &onAt 3AVE a persona% t+ & sor&er1 I A2 a persona% t+ & sor&er(A It &ef nes /ho /e are an& ho/ /e / %% respon&( Jo$ / %% a%/a+s an& 0)>J ha6e rea% fee% n's /hen +o$ are / th a narc ss st( It s +o$r %o6e #ap1 t s the pro'ra## n' / th n +o$r ps+che( ,oes t nee& to contro% +o$r !eha6 o$rH )ot necessar %+( Nno/ n' /hat +o$ are can at %east ' 6e +o$ the opport$n t+ to forecast the effect of an act on !efore +o$ ta"e t( <o1 %o6e%ess !%ac" an& /h te #a+ !e the 6er+ hea%th est th n' for +o$ for the foreseea!%e f$t$re( I ten& to th n" of these ep so&es / th narc ss sts as !e n' c+c% c( Jo$ / %% % "e%+ nee& to c$t %oose for a /h %e /hen +o$r ch %& s o%&er( ,0 )0T fee% asha#e& p%easeL <ho$%& a ph+s ca%%+ han& cappe& person fee% asha#e& of the r han& capH )o an& ne ther sho$%& /e( The tro$!%e / th $s s that /e are foo%e& nto th n" n' that these re%at onsh ps are A'$ %t+ p%eas$resA( The+ fee% so 6er+ 'oo& for a t #e !$t the+ are #ore a" n to a&& ct on sat sfact on rather than !e n' the Ar 'ht #atchA or an Aappropr ate re%at onsh pA( I a# st %% 6er+ conf% cte& #+se%f a!o$t th s( I /rote a fe/ #onths a'o that t /as % "e ha6 n' a ca'e& 6er+ &an'ero$s an #a% ns &e of #e( =hen I 'et near narc ss sts1 the an #a% s#e%%s ts o/n " n& an& t /ants o$t( I 6er+ caref$%%+ A# cro5#ana'eA #+ % fe( Th s #eans that I &a %+ &o fa r%+ re'$%ar rea% t+ chec"s an& "eep a 6er+ t 'ht re 'n on #+ se%f an& #+ !eha6 o$rs( I a# a%so o!sess 6e5 co#p$%s 6e(4 4I fee% as tho$'h IA# constant%+ on an e#ot ona% ro%%er coaster( I #a+ /a"e $p n a 'oo& #oo&1 !$t f #+ ) partner &oes or sa+s so#eth n'1 /h ch s h$rtf$% to #e1 #+ #oo& chan'es ##e& ate%+( I no/ fee% sa&1 e#pt+1 afra &( A%% I /ant to &o at th s po nt s an+th n' that / %% #a"e h # sa+ so#eth n' )ICE to #e( 0nce he &oes1 IA# !ac" on top of the /or%&( Th s pattern of #oo& chan'es1 or /hate6er +o$ #a+ ca%% the#1 can ta"e p%ace se6era% t #es a &a+( Each an& e6er+ &a+( IA6e 'otten to the po nt /here IA# not s$re that I can tr$st #+se%f to fee% an+ one /a+1 !eca$se I "no/ that I ha6e no contro% o6er #+se%f( 3e has the contro%( ItAs scar+1 +et IA6e sort of co#e to &epen& on h # &eter# n n' ho/ I a# 'o n' to fee%(4 4=hen I /as f rst n6o%6e& / th #+ cere!ra% narc ss st I /as % "e th s !$t after a/h %e I C$st %earne& to !eco#e #ore e#ot ona%%+ & stant 7the $ps an& &o/ns /ere C$st too #$ch8 an& f n& e#ot ona% 'rat f cat on / th other peop%e1 #ost%+ ' r% fr en&s an& one of t/o #a%e fr en&s( I #a"e a po nt of sa+ n' ? that the

n6ert #$st !e or !eco#e e#ot ona%%+ an& f nanc a%%+ n&epen&ent 7 f +o$ &onAt &o th s he / %% eat +o$ $p an& /hen he has f n she& / th +o$ an& +o$ are noth n' !$t a h$s"1 +o$ / %% !e e9pe%%e& fro# h s % fe n one ! ' 6o# t8( It s rea%%+ #portant for +o$ to start to ta"e respons ! % t+ for +o$r o/n e#ot ona% /e%%ness / tho$t re'ar& to ho/ he treats +o$( :e#e#!er that the narc ss st has the e#ot ona% #at$r t+ of a t/o5+ear o%&L ,onAt e9pect #$ch n the /a+ of e#ot ona% &epth or s$pport n +o$r re%at onsh p . he s #p%+ s not capa!%e of an+th n' that soph st cate&(4 )eturn


#*e SelAis* 2ene

#*e 2eneti( ;nder3innings oA Nar(issis<

Question: 3s %athological narcissis- the outco-e of inherited traits / or the sad result of a,usi*e and trau-atising u%,ringing> Or! -a&,e it is the confluence of ,oth> 3t is a co--on occurrence! after all! that! in the sa-e fa-il&! .ith the sa-e set of %arents and an identical e-otional en*iron-ent / so-e si,lings gro. to ,e -alignant narcissists! .hile others are %erfectl& Hnor-alH. 4urel&! this indicates a %redis%osition of so-e %eo%le to de*elo%ing narcissis-! a %art of one9s genetic heritage. ns!er: This *igorous de,ate -a& ,e the offshoot of o,fuscating se-antics. 5hen .e are ,orn! .e are not -uch -ore than the su- of our genes and their -anifestations. Our ,rain / a %h&sical o,(ect / is the residence of -ental health and its disorders. Mental illness cannot ,e e@%lained .ithout resorting to the ,od& and! es%eciall&! to the ,rain. And our ,rain cannot ,e conte-%lated .ithout considering our genes. Thus! an& e@%lanation of our -ental life that lea*es out our hereditar& -a+eu% and our neuro%h&siolog& is lac+ing. 4uch lac+ing theories are nothing ,ut literar& narrati*es. Ps&choanal&sis! for instance! is often accused of ,eing di*orced fro- cor%oreal realit&. Our genetic ,aggage -a+es us rese-,le a %ersonal co-%uter. 5e are an all7%ur%ose! uni*ersal! -achine. 4u,(ect to the right %rogra--ing <conditioning! socialisation! education! u%,ringing= / .e can turn out to ,e an&thing and e*er&thing. A co-%uter can i-itate an& other +ind of discrete -achine! gi*en the right soft.are. 3t can %la& -usic! screen -o*ies! calculate! %rint! %aint. Co-%are this to a tele*ision set / it is constructed and e@%ected to

do one! and onl& one! thing. 3t has a single %ur%ose and a unitar& function. 5e! hu-ans! are -ore li+e co-%uters than li+e tele*ision sets. True! single genes rarel& account for an& ,eha*iour or trait. An arra& of coordinated genes is required to e@%lain e*en the -inutest hu-an %heno-enon. HDisco*eriesH of a Hga-,ling geneH here and an Haggression geneH there are derided ,& the -ore serious and less %u,licit&7%rone scholars. Get! it .ould see- that e*en co-%le@ ,eha*iours such as ris+ ta+ing! rec+less dri*ing! and co-%ulsi*e sho%%ing ha*e genetic under%innings. 5hat a,out the Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder> 3t .ould see- reasona,le to assu-e / though! at this stage! there is not a shred of %roof / that the narcissist is ,orn .ith a %ro%ensit& to de*elo% narcissistic defences. These are triggered ,& a,use or trau-a during the for-ati*e &ears in infanc& or during earl& adolescence Isee 1AB P J. :& Ha,useH 3 a- referring to a s%ectru- of ,eha*iours .hich o,(ectifies the child and treats it as an e@tension of the caregi*er <%arent= or an instru-ent. Dotting and s-othering are as -uch a,use as ,eating and star*ing. And a,use can ,e dished out ,& %eers as .ell as ,& adult role -odels. 4till! 3 .ould ha*e to attri,ute the de*elo%-ent of NPD -ostl& to nurture. The Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder is an e@tre-el& co-%le@ ,atter& of %heno-ena: ,eha*iour %atterns! cognitions! e-otions! conditioning! and so on. NPD is a PE)4ONA'3TG disordered and e*en the -ost ardent %ro%onents of the school of genetics do not attri,ute the de*elo%-ent of the .hole %ersonalit& to genes. 1ro- HThe 3nterru%ted 4elfH: 4A0r'an cA an& A#enta%A & sor&ers 7a &$! o$s & st nct on at !est8 ha6e #an+ character st cs n co##on 7confa!$%at on1 ant soc a% !eha6 o$r1 e#ot ona% a!sence or f%atness1 n& fference1 ps+chot c ep so&es an& so on8(4 1ro- HOn Dis7easeH: 42oreo6er1 the & st nct on !et/een the ps+ch c an& the ph+s ca% s hot%+ & sp$te&1 ph %osoph ca%%+( The ps+choph+s ca% pro!%e# s as ntracta!%e to&a+ as t e6er /as 7 f not #ore so8( It s !e+on& &o$!t that the ph+s ca% affects the #enta% an& the other /a+ aro$n&( Th s s /hat & sc p% nes % "e ps+ch atr+ are a%% a!o$t( The a! % t+ to contro% Aa$tono#o$sA !o& %+ f$nct ons 7s$ch as heart!eat8 an& #enta% react ons to patho'ens of the !ra n are proof of the art f c a%ness of th s & st nct on( It s a res$%t of the re&$ct on st 6 e/ of nat$re as & 6 s !%e an& s$##a!%e( The s$# of the parts1 a%as1 s not a%/a+s the /ho%e

an& there s no s$ch th n' as an nf n te set of the r$%es of nat$re1 on%+ an as+#ptot c appro9 #at on of t( The & st nct on !et/een the pat ent an& the o$ts &e /or%& s s$perf%$o$s an& /ron'( The pat ent A), h s en6 ron#ent are 0)E an& the sa#e( , sease s a pert$r!at on n the operat on an& #ana'e#ent of the co#p%e9 ecos+ste# "no/n as pat ent5/or%&( 3$#ans a!sor! the r en6 ron#ent an& fee& t n e-$a% #eas$res( Th s on5'o n' nteract on I< the pat ent( =e cannot e9 st / tho$t the nta"e of /ater1 a r1 6 s$a% st #$% an& foo&( 0$r en6 ron#ent s &ef ne& !+ o$r act ons an& o$tp$t1 ph+s ca% an& #enta%( Th$s1 one #$st -$est on the c%ass ca% & fferent at on !et/een A nterna%A an& Ae9terna%A( <o#e %%nesses are cons &ere& Aen&o'en cA 7P'enerate& fro# the ns &e8( )at$ra%1 A nterna%A1 ca$ses . a heart &efect1 a ! oche# ca% #!a%ance1 a 'enet c #$tat on1 a #eta!o% c process 'one a/r+ . ca$se & sease( A' n' an& &efor# t es a%so !e%on' n th s cate'or+( In contrast1 pro!%e#s of n$rt$rance an& en6 ron#ent . ear%+ ch %&hoo& a!$se1 for nstance1 or #a%n$tr t on . are Ae9terna%A an& so are the Ac%ass ca%A patho'ens 7'er#s an& 6 r$ses8 an& acc &ents( ;$t th s1 a'a n1 s a co$nter5pro&$ct 6e approach( E9o'en c an& En&o'en c patho'enes s s nsepara!%e( 2enta% states ncrease or &ecrease the s$scept ! % t+ to e9terna%%+ n&$ce& & sease( Ta%" therap+ or a!$se 7e9terna% e6ents8 a%ter the ! oche# ca% !a%ance of the !ra n( The ns &e constant%+ nteracts / th the o$ts &e an& s so ntert/ ne& / th t that a%% & st nct ons !et/een the# are art f c a% an& # s%ea& n'( The !est e9a#p%e s1 of co$rse1 #e& cat on: t s an e9terna% a'ent1 t nf%$ences nterna% processes an& t has a 6er+ stron' #enta% corre%ate 7P ts eff cac+ s nf%$ence& !+ #enta% factors as n the p%ace!o effect8( The 6er+ nat$re of &+sf$nct on an& s c"ness s h 'h%+ c$%t$re5 &epen&ent( <oc eta% para#eters & ctate r 'ht an& /ron' n hea%th 7espec a%%+ #enta% hea%th8( It s a%% a #atter of stat st cs( Certa n & seases are accepte& n certa n parts of the /or%& as a fact of % fe or e6en a s 'n of & st nct on 7e('(1 the parano & sch Dophren c as chosen !+ the 'o&s8( If there s no & s5ease there s no & sease( That the ph+s ca% or #enta% state of a person CA) !e & fferent . &oes not #p%+ that t 2I<T !e & fferent or e6en that t s &es ra!%e that t sho$%& !e & fferent( In an o6er5pop$%ate& /or%&1 ster % t+ # 'ht !e the &es ra!%e th n' . or e6en the occas ona% ep &e# c( There s no s$ch th n' as A;<0>ITE &+sf$nct on( The

!o&+ an& the # n& A>=AJ< f$nct on( The+ a&apt the#se%6es to the r en6 ron#ent an& f the %atter chan'es . the+ chan'e( *ersona% t+ & sor&ers are the !est poss !%e responses to a!$se( Cancer #a+ !e the !est poss !%e response to carc no'ens( A' n' an& &eath are &ef n te%+ the !est poss !%e response to o6er5 pop$%at on( *erhaps the po nt of 6 e/ of the s n'%e pat ent s nco##ens$rate / th the po nt of 6 e/ of h s spec es . !$t th s sho$%& not ser6e to o!sc$re the ss$es an& &era % rat ona% &e!ate( As a res$%t1 t s %o' ca% to ntro&$ce the not on of Apos t 6e a!errat onA( Certa n h+per5 or h+po5 f$nct on n' can + e%& pos t 6e res$%ts an& pro6e to !e a&apt 6e( The & fference !et/een pos t 6e an& ne'at 6e a!errat ons can ne6er !e Ao!Cect 6eA( )at$re s #ora%%+5ne$tra% an& e#!o& es no A6a%$esA or ApreferencesA( It s #p%+ e9 sts( =E1 h$#ans1 ntro&$ce o$r 6a%$e s+ste#s1 preC$& ces an& pr or t es nto o$r act 6 t es1 sc ence nc%$&e&( It s !etter to !e hea%th+1 /e sa+1 !eca$se /e fee% !etter /hen /e are hea%th+( C rc$%ar t+ as &e . th s s the on%+ cr ter on that /e can reasona!%+ e#p%o+( If the pat ent fee%s 'oo& . t s not a & sease1 e6en f /e a%% th n" t s( If the pat ent fee%s !a&1 e'o5&+ston c1 $na!%e to f$nct on . t s a & sease1 e6en /hen /e a%% th n" t snAt( )ee&%ess to sa+ that I a# referr n' to that #+th ca% creat$re1 the f$%%+ nfor#e& pat ent( If so#eone s s c" an& "no/s no !etter 7has ne6er !een hea%th+8 . then h s &ec s on sho$%& !e respecte& on%+ after he s ' 6en the chance to e9per ence hea%th( A%% the atte#pts to ntro&$ce Ao!Cect 6eA +ar&st c"s of hea%th are p%a'$e& an& ph %osoph ca%%+ conta# nate& !+ the nsert on of 6a%$es1 preferences an& pr or t es nto the for#$%a . or !+ s$!Cect n' the for#$%a to the# a%to'ether( 0ne s$ch atte#pt s to &ef ne hea%th as Aan ncrease n or&er or eff c enc+ of processesA as contraste& / th %%ness /h ch s Aa &ecrease n or&er 7P ncrease of entrop+8 an& n the eff c enc+ of processesA( =h %e !e n' fact$a%%+ & sp$ta!%e1 th s &+a& a%so s$ffers fro# a ser es of #p% c t 6a%$e5C$&'e#ents( For nstance1 /h+ sho$%& /e prefer % fe o6er &eathH 0r&er to entrop+H Eff c enc+ to neff c enc+H4
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#*e 6ea3on oA Lang'age

Question: M& .ife .as diagnosed as a narcissist. 4he t.ists e*er&thing and turns it against -e. 4he distorts e*er&thing 3 e*er said! ignores the conte@t! and e*en in*ent her o.n endings. 3t is i-%ossi,le to ha*e a -eaningful con*ersation .ith her ,ecause she .on9t co--it to an&thing she sa&s. ns!er: 3n the narcissist9s surrealistic .orld! e*en language is %athologised. 3t -utates into a .ea%on of self7defence! a *er,al fortification! a -ediu- .ithout a -essage! re%lacing .ords .ith du%licitous and a-,iguous *oca,les. Narcissists <and! often! ,& contagion! their unfortunate *icti-s= don9t tal+! or co--unicate. The& fend off. The& hide and e*ade and a*oid and disguise. 3n their %lanet of ca%ricious and ar,itrar& un%redicta,ilit&! of shifting se-iotic and se-antic dunes / the& %erfect the a,ilit& to sa& nothing in length&! Castro7li+e s%eeches. The ensuing con*oluted sentences are ara,esques of -eaninglessness! acro,atics of e*asion! lac+ of co--it-ent ele*ated to an ideolog&. The narcissist %refers to .ait and see and see .hat .aiting ,rings. 3t is the %ost%one-ent of the ine*ita,le that leads to the ine*ita,ilit& of %ost%one-ent as a strateg& of sur*i*al. 3t is often i-%ossi,le to reall& understand a narcissist. The e*asi*e s&nta@ fast deteriorates into e*er -ore la,&rinthine structures. The gra--ar tortured to %roduce the *er,al Do%%ler shifts essential to disguise the source of the infor-ation! its distance fro- realit&! the s%eed of its degeneration into rigid HofficialH *ersions. :uried under the lush flora and fauna of idio-s .ithout an end! the language eru%ts! li+e so-e e@otic rash! an autoi--une reaction to its infection and conta-ination. 'i+e *ile .eeds it

s%read throughout! strangling .ith a,sent -inded %ersistence the a,ilit& to understand! to feel! to agree! to disagree and to de,ate! to %resent argu-ents! to co-%are notes! to learn and to teach. Narcissists! therefore! ne*er tal+ to others / rather! the& tal+ at others! or lecture the-. The& e@change su,te@ts! ca-ouflage7 .ra%%ed ,& ela,orate! florid! te@ts. The& read ,et.een the lines! s%a.ning a -ultitude of %ri*ate languages! %re(udices! su%erstitions! cons%irac& theories! ru-ours! %ho,ias and h&sterias. Theirs is a soli%sistic .orld / .here co--unication is %er-itted onl& .ith oneself and the ai- of language is to thro. others off the scent or to o,tain Narcissistic 4u%%l&. This has %rofound i-%lications. Co--unication through unequi*ocal! una-,iguous! infor-ation7rich s&-,ol s&ste-s is such an integral and crucial %art of our .orld / that its a,sence is not %ostulated e*en in the re-otest gala@ies .hich grace the s+ies of science fiction. 3n this sense! narcissists are nothing short of aliens. 3t is not that the& e-%lo& a different language! a code to ,e deci%hered ,& a ne. 1reud. 3t is also not the outco-e of u%,ringing or socio7cultural ,ac+ground. 3t is the fact that language is %ut ,& narcissists to a different use / not to co--unicate ,ut to o,scure! not to share ,ut to a,stain! not to learn ,ut to defend and resist! not to teach ,ut to %reser*e e*er less tena,le -ono%olies! to disagree .ithout incurring .rath! to criticise .ithout co--it-ent! to agree .ithout a%%earing to do so. Thus! an Hagree-entH .ith a narcissist is a *ague e@%ression of intent at a gi*en -o-ent / rather than the clear listing of long7 ter-! iron7cast and -utual co--it-ents. The rules that go*ern the narcissist9s uni*erse are loo%holed inco-%rehensi,les! o%en to an e@egesis so .ide and so self7 contradictor& that it renders the- -eaningless. The narcissist often hangs hi-self ,& his o.n *er,ose ?ordic +nots! ha*ing stu-,led through a -inefield of logical fallacies and endured self7inflicted inconsistencies. ;nfinished sentences ho*er in the air! li+e *a%our a,o*e a se-antic s.a-%. 3n the case of the in*erted narcissist! .ho .as su%%ressed and a,used ,& o*er,earing caregi*ers! there is the strong urge not to offend. 3nti-ac& and inter7de%endence are great. Parental or %eer %ressures are irresisti,le and result in confor-it& and self7 de%recation. Aggressi*e tendencies! strongl& re%ressed in the social %ressure coo+er! tee- under the *eneer of forced ci*ilit& and *iolent %oliteness. Constructi*e a-,iguit&! a non7co--ittal He*er&one is good and rightH! an ata*istic *ariant of -oral relati*is- and tolerance ,red of fear and of conte-%t / are all at

the ser*ice of this eternal *igilance against aggressi*e dri*es! at the dis%osal of a ne*er ending %eace+ee%ing -ission. 5ith the classic narcissist! language is used cruell& and ruthlessl& to ensnare one9s ene-ies! to sa. confusion and %anic! to -o*e others to e-ulate the narcissist <Pro(ecti*e 3dentification=! to lea*e the listeners in dou,t! in hesitation! in %aral&sis! to gain control! or to %unish. 'anguage is ensla*ed and forced to lie. The language is a%%ro%riated and e@%ro%riated. 3t is considered to ,e a .ea%on! an asset! a %iece of lethal %ro%ert&! a traitorous -istress to ,e gang ra%ed into su,-ission. 5ith cere,ral narcissists! language is a lo*er. The infatuation .ith its *er& sound leads to a %&rotechnic t&%e of s%eech .hich sacrifices its -eaning to its -usic. 3ts s%ea+ers %a& -ore attention to the co-%osition than to the content. The& are s.e%t ,& it! into@icated ,& its %erfection! ine,riated ,& the s%iralling co-%le@it& of its for-s. Here! language is an infla--ator& %rocess. 3t attac+s the *er& tissues of the narcissist9s relationshi%s .ith artistic fierceness. 3t in*ades the health& cells of reason and logic! of cool headed argu-entation and le*el headed de,ate. 'anguage is a leading indicator of the %s&chological and institutional health of social units! such as the fa-il&! or the .or+%lace. 4ocial ca%ital can often ,e -easured in cogniti*e <hence! *er,al7lingual= ter-s. To -onitor the le*el of co-%rehensi,ilit& and lucidit& of te@ts is to stud& the degree of sanit& of fa-il& -e-,ers! co7.or+ers! friends! s%ouses! -ates! and colleagues. There can e@ist no hale societ& .ithout una-,iguous s%eech! .ithout clear co--unications! .ithout the traffic of idio-s and content that is an inse%ara,le %art of e*er& social contract. Our language deter-ines ho. .e %ercei*e our .orld. 3t 34 our -ind and our consciousness. The narcissist! in this res%ect! is a great social -enace.
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!olle(tive Nar(issis<
Nar(issis<8 !'lt're and So(iet-

Question: 3 ,elie*e that <ethnic grou% deleted= are all narcissists. Can it ,e that a grou% of %eo%le are all narcissists or a- 3 &our a*erage ,igot and racist> ns!er: 3n their ,oo+ HPersonalit& Disorders in Modern 'ifeH! Theodore Millon and )oger Da*is state! as a -atter of fact! that %athological narcissis- .as the %reser*e of Hthe ro&al and the .ealth&H and that it Hsee-s to ha*e gained %ro-inence onl& in the late t.entieth centur&H. Narcissis-! according to the-! -a& ,e associated .ith Hhigher le*els of Maslo.9s hierarch& of needs S 3ndi*iduals in less ad*antaged nations S are too ,us& tr&ing <to sur*i*e= S to ,e arrogant and grandioseH. The& / li+e 'asch ,efore the- / attri,ute %athological narcissisto Ha societ& that stresses indi*idualis- and self7gratification at the e@%ense of co--unit&! na-el& the ;nited 4tatesH. The& assert that the disorder is -ore %re*alent a-ong certain %rofessions .ith Hstar %o.erH or res%ect. H3n an indi*idualistic culture! the narcissist is 9?od9s gift to the .orld9. 3n a collecti*ist societ&! the narcissist is 9?od9s gift to the collecti*e9.H Millon quotes 5arren and Ca%oni9s HThe )ole of Culture in the De*elo%-ent of Narcissistic Personalit& Disorders in A-erica! 2a%an and Den-ar+H: 4In& 6 &$a% st c narc ss st c str$ct$res of se%f5re'ar& 7 n n& 6 &$a% st c soc et es8 ? are rather se%f5conta ne& an& n&epen&ent ? 7In co%%ect 6 st c$%t$res8 narc ss st c conf '$rat ons of the /e5se%f ? &enote se%f5estee# &er 6e& fro# stron' &ent f cat on / th the rep$tat on an& hono$r of the fa# %+1 'ro$ps1 an& others n h erarch ca% re%at onsh ps(4

Ha*ing li*ed in the last "# &ears 1" countries in P continents / fro- the i-%o*erished to the affluent! .ith indi*idualistic and collecti*ist societies / 3 +no. that Millon and Da*is are .rong. Theirs is! indeed! the quintessential A-erican %oint of *ie. .hich lac+s an inti-ate +no.ledge of other %arts of the .orld. Millon e*en .rongl& clai-s that the D4M9s international equi*alent! the 3CD! does not include the Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder <it does=. Pathological narcissis- is a u,iquitous %heno-enon ,ecause e*er& hu-an ,eing / regardless of the nature of his societ& and culture / de*elo%s health& narcissis- earl& in life. Health& narcissis- is rendered %athological ,& a,use / and a,use! alas! is a uni*ersal hu-an ,eha*iour. :& Ha,useH .e -ean an& refusal to ac+no.ledge the e-erging ,oundaries of the indi*idual / s-othering! doting! and e@cessi*e e@%ectations / are as a,usi*e as ,eating and incest. There are -alignant narcissists a-ong su,sistence far-ers in Africa! no-ads in the 4inai desert! da& la,ourers in East Euro%e! and intellectuals and socialites in Manhattan. Malignant narcissisis all7%er*asi*e and inde%endent of culture and societ&. 3t is true! though! that the 5AG %athological narcissis-anifests and is e@%erienced is de%endent on the %articulars of societies and cultures. 3n so-e cultures! it is encouraged! in others su%%ressed. 3n so-e societies it is channelled against -inorities / in others it is tainted .ith %aranoia. 3n collecti*ist societies! it -a& ,e %ro(ected onto the collecti*e! in indi*idualistic societies! it is an indi*idual9s trait. Get! can fa-ilies! organisations! ethnic grou%s! churches! and e*en .hole nations ,e safel& descri,ed as HnarcissisticH or H%athologicall& self7a,sor,edH> 5ouldn9t such generalisations ,e a trifle racist and -ore than a trifle .rong> The is: it de%ends. Hu-an collecti*es / states! fir-s! households! institutions! %olitical %arties! cliques! ,ands / acquire a life and a character all their o.n. The longer the association or affiliation of the -e-,ers! the -ore cohesi*e and confor-ist the inner d&na-ics of the grou%! the -ore %ersecutor& or nu-erous its ene-ies! the -ore intensi*e the %h&sical and e-otional e@%eriences of the indi*iduals it is co-%rised of! the stronger the ,onds of locale! language! and histor& / the -ore rigorous -ight an assertion of a co--on %atholog& ,e. 4uch an all7%er*asi*e and e@tensi*e %atholog& -anifests itself in the ,eha*iour of each and e*er& -e-,er. 3t is a defining / though

often i-%licit or underl&ing / -ental structure. 3t has e@%lanator& and %redicti*e %o.ers. 3t is recurrent and in*aria,le / a %attern of conduct -elded .ith distorted cognition and stunted e-otions. And it is often *ehe-entl& denied. A %ossi,le D4M7li+e list of criteria for narcissistic organisations or grou%s: An all7%er*asi*e %attern of grandiosit& <in fantas& or ,eha*iour=! need for ad-iration or adulation and lac+ of e-%ath&! usuall& ,eginning at the grou%9s earl& histor& and %resent in *arious conte@ts. Persecution and a,use are often the causes / or at least the antecedents / of the %atholog&. 1i*e <or -ore= of the criteria -ust ,e -et: K The grou% as a .hole! or -e-,ers of the grou% / acting as such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation .ith the grou% / feel grandiose and self7i-%ortant <e.g.! the& e@aggerate the grou%9s achie*e-ents and talents to the %oint of l&ing! de-and to ,e recognised as su%erior / si-%l& for ,elonging to the grou% and .ithout co--ensurate achie*e-ent=. K The grou% as a .hole! or -e-,ers of the grou% / acting as such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation .ith the grou% / are o,sessed .ith grou% fantasies of unli-ited success! fa-e! fearso-e or o-ni%otence! unequalled ,rilliance! ,odil& ,eaut& or %erfor-ance! or ideal! e*erlasting! all7 conquering ideals or %olitical theories. K The grou% as a .hole! or -e-,ers of the grou% / acting as such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation .ith the grou% / are fir-l& con*inced that the grou% is unique and! ,eing s%ecial! can onl& ,e understood ,&! should onl& ,e treated ,&! or associate .ith! other s%ecial or unique! or high7 status grou%s <or institutions=. K The grou% as a .hole! or -e-,ers of the grou% / acting as such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation .ith the grou% / require e@cessi*e ad-iration! adulation! attention and affir-ation / or! failing that! .ish to ,e feared and to ,e notorious <Narcissistic 4u%%l&=. K The grou% as a .hole! or -e-,ers of the grou% / acting as such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation .ith the grou% / feel entitled. The& e@%ect unreasona,le or s%ecial and fa*oura,le %riorit& treat-ent. The& de-and auto-atic and full co-%liance .ith e@%ectations. The& rarel& acce%t res%onsi,ilit& for their actions <Hallo%lastic defencesH=. This

often leads to anti7social ,eha*iour! co*er7u%s! and cri-inal acti*ities on a -ass scale. K The grou% as a .hole! or -e-,ers of the grou% / acting as such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation .ith the grou% / are Hinter%ersonall& e@%loitati*eH! i.e.! use others to achie*e their o.n ends. This often leads to anti7social ,eha*iour! co*er7u%s! and cri-inal acti*ities on a -ass scale. K The grou% as a .hole! or -e-,ers of the grou% / acting as such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation .ith the grou% / are de*oid of e-%ath&. The& are una,le or un.illing to identif& .ith or ac+no.ledge the feelings and needs of other grou%s. This often leads to anti7social ,eha*iour! co*er7u%s! and cri-inal acti*ities on a -ass scale. K The grou% as a .hole! or -e-,ers of the grou% / acting as such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation .ith the grou% / are constantl& en*ious of others or ,elie*es that the& feel the sa-e a,out the-. This often leads to anti7social ,eha*iour! co*er7u%s! and cri-inal acti*ities on a -ass scale. K The grou% as a .hole! or -e-,ers of the grou% / acting as such and ,& *irtue of their association and affiliation .ith the grou% / are arrogant and s%ort haught& ,eha*iours or attitudes cou%led .ith rage .hen frustrated! contradicted! %unished! li-ited! or confronted. This often leads to anti7social ,eha*iour! co*er7u%s! and cri-inal acti*ities on a -ass scale. )eturn


#*e S3o'seE9ateEPartner oA t*e Nar(issist

Question: 5hat +ind of a s%ouse6-ate6%artner is li+el& to ,e attracted to a narcissist> ns!er: #*e =i(ti<s On the face of it! there is no <e-otional= %artner or -ate! .ho t&%icall& H,indsH .ith a narcissist. The& co-e in all sha%es and siAes. The initial %hases of attraction! infatuation and falling in lo*e are %rett& nor-al. The narcissist %uts on his ,est face / the other %art& is ,linded ,& ,udding lo*e. A natural selection %rocess occurs onl& -uch later! as the relationshi% de*elo%s and is %ut to the test. 'i*ing .ith a narcissist can ,e e@hilarating! is al.a&s onerous! often 4ur*i*ing a relationshi% .ith a narcissist indicates! therefore! the %ara-eters of the %ersonalit& of the sur*i*or. 4he <or! -ore rarel&! he= is -oulded ,& the relationshi% into The T&%ical Narcissistic Mate6Partner64%ouse. 1irst and fore-ost! the narcissist9s %artner -ust ha*e a deficient or a distorted gras% of her self and of realit&. Other.ise! she <or he= is ,ound to a,andon the narcissist9s shi% earl& on. The cogniti*e distortion is li+el& to consist of ,elittling and de-eaning herself / .hile aggrandising and adoring the narcissist. The %artner is! thus! %lacing hi-self in the %osition of the eternal *icti-: undeser*ing! %unisha,le! a sca%egoat. 4o-eti-es! it is *er& i-%ortant to the %artner to a%%ear -oral! sacrificial and *icti-ised. At other ti-es! she is not e*en a.are of this %redica-ent. The narcissist is %ercei*ed ,& the %artner to ,e a %erson in the %osition to de-and these sacrifices fro- her

%artner! ,eing su%erior in -an& .a&s <intellectuall&! e-otionall&! -orall&! financiall&=. The status of %rofessional *icti- sits .ell .ith the %artner9s tendenc& to %unish herself! na-el&: .ith her -asochistic strea+. The tor-ented life .ith the narcissist is! as far as the %artner is a.are! a (ust %uniti*e -easure. 3n this res%ect! the %artner is the -irror i-age of the narcissist. :& -aintaining a s&-,iotic relationshi% .ith hi-! ,& ,eing totall& de%endent u%on the source of -asochistic su%%l& <.hich the narcissist -ost relia,l& constitutes and -ost a-%l& %ro*ides= / the %artner enhances certain traits and encourages certain ,eha*iours! .hich are at the *er& core of narcissis-. The narcissist is ne*er .hole .ithout an adoring! su,-issi*e! a*aila,le! self7denigrating %artner. His *er& sense of su%eriorit&! indeed his 1alse 4elf! de%ends on it. His sadistic 4u%erego s.itches its attentions fro- the narcissist <in .ho- it often %ro*o+es suicidal ideation= to the %artner! thus finall& o,taining an alternati*e source of sadistic satisfaction. 3t is through self7denial that the %artner sur*i*es. 4he denies her .ishes! ho%es! drea-s! as%irations! se@ual! %s&chological and -aterial needs! and -uch else ,esides. 4he %ercei*es her needs as threatening ,ecause the& -ight engender the .rath of the narcissist9s ?od7li+e su%re-e figure. The narcissist is rendered in her e&es e*en -ore su%erior through and ,ecause of this self7 denial. 4elf7denial underta+en to facilitate and ease the life of a Hgreat -anH is -ore %alata,le. The HgreaterH the -an <Othe narcissist=! the easier it is for the %artner to ignore her o.n self! to d.indle! to degenerate! to turn into an a%%endi@ of the narcissist and! finall&! to ,eco-e nothing ,ut an e@tension! to -erge .ith the narcissist to the %oint of o,li*ion and of di-e-ories of one9s self. The t.o colla,orate in this -aca,re dance. The narcissist is for-ed ,& his %artner inas-uch as he for-s her. 4u,-ission ,reeds su%eriorit& and -asochis- ,reeds sadis-. The relationshi%s are characterised ,& ra-%ant e-ergentis-: roles are allocated al-ost fro- the start and an& de*iation -eets .ith an aggressi*e! e*en *iolent reaction. The %redo-inant state of the %artner9s -ind is utter confusion. E*en the -ost ,asic relationshi%s / .ith hus,and! children! or %arents / re-ain ,afflingl& o,scured ,& the giant shado. cast ,& the intensi*e interaction .ith the narcissist. A sus%ension of (udge-ent is %art and %arcel of a sus%ension of indi*idualit&! .hich is ,oth a %rerequisite to and the result of li*ing .ith a

narcissist. The %artner no longer +no.s .hat is true and right and .hat is .rong and for,idden. The narcissist recreates for the %artner the sort of e-otional a-,ience that led to his o.n for-ation in the first %lace: ca%riciousness! fic+leness! ar,itrariness! e-otional <and %h&sical or se@ual= a,andon-ent. The .orld ,eco-es uncertain and frightening and the %artner has onl& one thing to cling to: the narcissist. And cling she does. 3f there is an&thing .hich can safel& ,e said a,out those .ho e-otionall& tea- u% .ith narcissists! it is that the& are o*ertl& and o*erl& de%endent. The %artner doesn9t +no. .hat to do / and this is onl& too natural in the -a&he- that is the relationshi% .ith the narcissist. :ut the t&%ical %artner also does not +no. .hat she .ants and! to a large e@tent! .ho she is and .hat she .ants to ,eco-e. These unans.ered questions ha-%er the %artner9s a,ilit& to gauge realit&! e*aluate and a%%raise it for .hat it is. Her %ri-ordial sin is that she fell in lo*e .ith an i-age! not .ith a real %erson. 3t is the *oiding of the i-age that is -ourned .hen the relationshi% ends. The ,rea+7u% of a relationshi% .ith a narcissist is! therefore! *er& e-otionall& charged. 3t is the cul-ination of a long chain of hu-iliations and of su,(ugation. 3t is the re,ellion of the functioning and health& %arts of the %artner9s %ersonalit& against the t&rann& of the narcissist. The %artner is lia,le to ha*e totall& -isread and -isinter%reted the .hole interaction <3 hesitate to call it a relationshi%=. This lac+ of %ro%er interface .ith realit& -ight ,e <erroneousl&= la,elled H%athologicalH. 5h& is it that the %artner see+s to %rolong her %ain> 5hat is the source and %ur%ose of this -asochistic strea+> ;%on the ,rea+7u% of the relationshi%! the %artner <and the narcissist= engage in a tortuous and dra.n out %ost -orte-. :ut the question .ho reall& did .hat to .ho- <and e*en .h&= is irrele*ant. 5hat is rele*ant is to sto% -ourning oneself <this is .hat the %arties are reall& -ourning=! start s-iling again and lo*e in a less su,ser*ient! ho%eless! and %ain7inflicting -anner. #*e 0,'se A,use is an integral! inse%ara,le %art of the Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder. The narcissist idealises and then DE8A';E4 and discards the o,(ect of his initial idealisation. This a,ru%t! heartless de*aluation

34 a,use. A'' narcissists idealise and then de*alue. This is THE core of narcissistic ,eha*iour. The narcissist e@%loits! lies! insults! de-eans! ignores <the Hsilent treat-entH=! -ani%ulates! controls. All these are for-s of a,use. There are -an& .a&s to a,use. To lo*e too -uch is to a,use. 3t is tanta-ount to treating so-eone as an e@tension! an o,(ect! or an instru-ent of gratification. To ,e o*er7%rotecti*e! not to res%ect %ri*ac&! to ,e ,rutall& honest! .ith a sadistic sense of hu-our! or consistentl& tactless / is to a,use. To e@%ect too -uch! to denigrate! to ignore / are all -odes of a,use. There is %h&sical a,use! *er,al a,use! %s&chological a,use! se@ual a,use. The list is long. Most narcissists a,use surre%titiousl&. The& are Hstealth a,usersH. Gou ha*e to actuall& li*e .ith one in order to .itness the a,use. There are three i-%ortant categories of a,use: 1( 06ert A!$se / The o%en and e@%licit a,use of another %erson. Threatening! coercing! ,eating! l&ing! ,erating! de-eaning! chastising! insulting! hu-iliating! e@%loiting! ignoring <Hsilent treat-entH=! de*aluing! uncere-oniousl& discarding! *er,al a,use! %h&sical a,use and se@ual a,use are all for-s of o*ert a,use. 2( Co6ert or Contro%% n' A!$se / Narcissis- is al-ost entirel& a,out control. 3t is often a %ri-iti*e and i--ature reaction to life circu-stances in .hich the narcissist <usuall& in his childhood= .as rendered hel%less. 3t is a,out re7e@erting one9s identit&! re7esta,lishing %redicta,ilit&! -astering the en*iron-ent / hu-an and %h&sical. $. The ,ul+ of narcissistic ,eha*iours can ,e traced to this %anic+& reaction to the re-ote %otential for loss of control. Narcissists are h&%ochondriacs <and difficult %atients= ,ecause the& are afraid to lose control o*er their ,od&! its loo+s and its %ro%er functioning. The& are o,sessi*e7 co-%ulsi*e in an effort to su,due their %h&sical ha,itat and render it foreseea,le. The& stal+ %eo%le and harass the- as a -eans of H,eing in touchH / another for- of control. :ut .h& the %anic> The narcissist is a soli%sist. To the a,user! nothing e@ists outside hi-self. Meaningful others are e@tensions! internal! assi-ilated! o,(ects / not e@ternal ones. Thus! losing control o*er a significant other / is equi*alent to losing control of a li-,! or of one9s ,rain. 3t is terrif&ing. 3nde%endent or diso,edient %eo%le e*o+e in the narcissist the realisation that so-ething is .rong .ith his .orld*ie.! that he is

not the centre of the .orld or its cause and that he cannot control .hat! to hi-! are internal re%resentations. To the narcissist! losing control -eans going insane. :ecause other %eo%le are -ere ele-ents in the narcissist9s -ind / ,eing una,le to -ani%ulate the- literall& -eans losing it <his -ind=. 3-agine! if &ou suddenl& .ere to find out that &ou cannot -ani%ulate &our -e-ories or control &our thoughtsS Night-arishU Moreo*er! it is often onl& through -ani%ulation and e@tortion that the narcissist can secure his Narcissistic 4u%%l&. Controlling his 4ources of Narcissistic 4u%%l& is a <-ental= life or death question for the narcissist. The narcissist is a drug addict <his drug ,eing the N4= and he .ould go to an& length to o,tain the ne@t dose. 3n his frantic efforts to -aintain control or re7assert it! the narcissist resorts to a -&riad of fiendishl& in*enti*e stratage-s and -echanis-s. Here is a %artial list: /n$redicta%ility and /ncertainty The narcissist acts un%redicta,l&! ca%riciousl&! inconsistentl& and irrationall&. This ser*es to render others de%endent u%on the ne@t and turn of the a,user! his ne@t ine@%lica,le .hi-! u%on his ne@t out,urst! denial! or s-ile. The narcissist -a+es sure that HE is the onl& relia,le ele-ent in the li*es of his nearest and dearest / ,& shattering the rest of their .orld through his see-ingl& insane ,eha*iour. He %er%etuates his sta,le %resence in their li*es / ,& desta,ilising their o.n. 3n the a,sence of a self! there are no li+es or disli+es! %references! %redicta,le ,eha*iour or characteristics. 3t is not %ossi,le to +no. the narcissist. There is no one there. The narcissist .as conditioned / fro- an earl& age of a,use and trau-a / to e@%ect the une@%ected. His .as a .orld in .hich <so-eti-es sadistic= ca%ricious careta+ers and %eers often ,eha*ed ar,itraril&. He .as trained to den& his True 4elf and nurture a 1alse one. Ha*ing in*ented hi-self! the narcissist sees no %ro,le- in re7 in*enting that .hich he designed in the first %lace. The narcissist is his o.n creator. Hence his grandiosit&. Moreo*er! the narcissist is a -an for all seasons! fore*er ada%ta,le! constantl& i-itating and e-ulating! a hu-an s%onge! a %erfect -irror! a cha-eleon! a non7entit& that is! at the sa-e ti-e! all entities co-,ined. The narcissist is ,est descri,ed ,& Heidegger9s %hrase: H:eing and NothingnessH. 3nto this reflecti*e

*acuu-! this suc+ing ,lac+ hole! the narcissist attracts the 4ources of his Narcissistic 4u%%l&. To an o,ser*er! the narcissist a%%ears to ,e fractured or discontinuous. Pathological narcissis- has ,een co-%ared to the Dissociati*e 3dentit& Disorder <for-erl& the Multi%le Personalit& Disorder=. :& definition! the narcissist has at least t.o sel*es! the True and 1alse ones. His %ersonalit& is *er& %ri-iti*e and disorganised. 'i*ing .ith a narcissist is a nauseating e@%erience not onl& ,ecause of .hat he is / ,ut ,ecause of .hat he is NOT. He is not a full& for-ed hu-an / ,ut a diAA&ingl& +aleidosco%ic galler& of e%he-eral i-ages! .hich -elt into each other sea-lessl&. 3t is incredi,l& disorienting. 3t is also e@ceedingl& %ro,le-atic. Pro-ises -ade ,& the narcissist are easil& diso.ned ,& hi-. His %lans are transient. His e-otional ties / a si-ulacru-. Most narcissists ha*e one island of sta,ilit& in their life <s%ouse! fa-il&! their career! a ho,,&! their religion! countr&! or idol= / %ounded ,& the tur,ulent currents of a dishe*elled e@istence. The narcissist does not +ee% agree-ents! does not adhere to la.s! regards consistenc& and %redicta,ilit& as de-eaning traits. Thus! to in*est in a narcissist is a %ur%oseless! futile and -eaningless acti*it&. To the narcissist! e*er& da& is a ne. ,eginning! a hunt! a ne. c&cle of idealisation or de*aluation! a ne.l& in*ented self. There is no accu-ulation of credits or good.ill ,ecause the narcissist has no %ast and no future. He occu%ies an eternal and ti-eless %resent. He is a fossil caught in the froAen ashes of a *olcanic childhood. 5hat to do> )efuse to acce%t such ,eha*iour. De-and reasona,l& %redicta,le and rational actions and reactions. 3nsist on res%ect for &our ,oundaries! %redilections! %references! and %riorities. Dis$ro$ortional Reactions One of the fa*ourite tools of -ani%ulation in the narcissist9s arsenal is the dis%ro%ortionalit& of his reactions. He reacts .ith su%re-e rage to the slightest slight. Or! he .ould %unish se*erel& for .hat he %ercei*es to ,e an offence against hi-! no -atter ho. -inor. Or! he .ould thro. a te-%er tantru- o*er an& discord or disagree-ent! ho.e*er gentl& and consideratel& e@%ressed. Or! he .ould act inordinatel& attenti*e! char-ing and te-%ting <e*en o*er7se@ed! if need ,e=.

This e*er7shifting code of conduct and the unusuall& harsh and ar,itraril& a%%lied %enalties are %re-editated. The *icti-s are +e%t in the dar+. Neediness and de%endence on the source of H(usticeH -eted and (udge-ent %assed / on the narcissist / are thus guaranteed. 5hat to do> De-and a (ust and %ro%ortional treat-ent. )e(ect or ignore un(ust and ca%ricious ,eha*iour. 3f &ou are u% to the ine*ita,le confrontation! react in +ind. 'et hi- taste so-e of his o.n -edicine. Dehumanisation and -%,ecti+ication & %use( Peo%le ha*e a need to ,elie*e in the e-%athic s+ills and ,asic good7heartedness of others. :& dehu-anising and o,(ectif&ing %eo%le / the narcissist attac+s the *er& foundations of hu-an interaction. This is the HalienH as%ect of narcissists / the& -a& ,e e@cellent i-itations of full& for-ed adults ,ut the& are e-otionall& a,sent and i--ature. A,use is so horrid! so re%ulsi*e! so %hantas-agoric / that %eo%le recoil in terror. 3t is then! .ith their defences a,solutel& do.n! that the& are the -ost susce%ti,le and *ulnera,le to the narcissist9s control. Ph&sical! %s&chological! *er,al and se@ual a,use are all for-s of dehu-anisation and o,(ectification. 5hat to do> Ne*er sho. &our a,user that &ou are afraid of hi-. Do not negotiate .ith ,ullies. The& are insatia,le. Do not succu-, to ,lac+-ail. 3f things get rough7 disengage! in*ol*e la. enforce-ent officers! friends and colleagues! or threaten hi- <legall&=. Do not +ee% &our a,use a secret. 4ecrec& is the a,user9s .ea%on. Ne*er gi*e hi- a second chance. )eact .ith &our full arsenal to the first transgression. %use o+ "n+ormation 1ro- the first -o-ents of an encounter .ith another %erson! the narcissist is on the %ro.l. He collects infor-ation. The -ore he +no.s a,out his %otential *icti- / the ,etter a,le he is to coerce! -ani%ulate! char-! e@tort or con*ert it Hto the causeH. The narcissist does not hesitate to -isuse the infor-ation he gleaned! regardless of its inti-ate nature or the circu-stances in .hich he o,tained it. This is a %o.erful tool in his ar-our&. 5hat to do>

:e guarded. Don9t ,e too forthco-ing in a first or casual -eeting. ?ather intelligence. :e &ourself. Don9t -isre%resent &our .ishes! ,oundaries! %references! %riorities! and red lines. Do not ,eha*e inconsistentl&. Do not go ,ac+ on &our .ord. :e fir- and resolute. "m$ossi%le Situations The narcissist engineers i-%ossi,le! dangerous! un%redicta,le! un%recedented! or highl& s%ecific situations in .hich he is sorel& needed. The narcissist -a+es sure that his +no.ledge! his s+ills! his connections! or his traits are the onl& ones a%%lica,le and the -ost useful in the situations that he! hi-self! .rought. The narcissist generates his o.n indis%ensa,ilit&. 5hat to do> 4ta& a.a& fro- such quag-ires. 4crutinise e*er& offer and suggestion! no -atter ho. innocuous. Pre%are ,ac+u% %lans. Fee% others infor-ed of &our .herea,outs and a%%raised of &our situation. :e *igilant and dou,ting. Do not ,e gulli,le and suggesti,le. :etter safe than sorr&. Control %y Pro7y 3f all else fails! the narcissist recruits friends! colleagues! -ates! fa-il& -e-,ers! the authorities! institutions! neigh,ours! the -edia! teachers / in short! third %arties / to do his ,idding. He uses the- to ca(ole! coerce! threaten! stal+! offer! retreat! te-%t! con*ince! harass! co--unicate and other.ise -ani%ulate his target. He controls these una.are instru-ents e@actl& as he %lans to control his ulti-ate %re&. He e-%lo&s the sa-e -echanis-s and de*ices. And he du-%s his %ro%s uncere-oniousl& .hen the (o, is done. Another for- of control ,& %ro@& is to engineer situations in .hich a,use is inflicted u%on another %erson. 4uch carefull& crafted scenarios of e-,arrass-ent and hu-iliation %ro*o+e social sanctions <conde-nation! o%%ro,riu-! or e*en %h&sical %unish-ent= against the *icti-. 4ociet&! or a social grou% ,eco-e the instru-ents of the narcissist. 5hat to do> Often the a,user9s %ro@ies are una.are of their role. E@%ose hi-. 3nfor- the-. De-onstrate to the- ho. the& are ,eing a,used! -isused! and %lain used ,& the a,user.

Tra% &our a,user. Treat hi- as he treats &ou. 3n*ol*e others. :ring it into the o%en. Nothing li+e sunshine to disinfest a,use. m%ient %use The fostering! %ro%agation and enhance-ent of an at-os%here of fear! inti-idation! insta,ilit&! un%redicta,ilit& and irritation. There are no acts of tracea,le e@%licit a,use! nor an& -ani%ulati*e settings of control. Get! the ir+so-e feeling re-ains! a disagreea,le fore,oding! a %re-onition! a ,ad o-en. This is so-eti-es called HgaslightingH. 3n the long7ter-! such an en*iron-ent erodes the *icti-9s sense of self7.orth and self7estee-. 4elf7confidence is sha+en ,adl&. Often! the *icti- ado%ts a %aranoid or schiAoid stance and thus renders hi-self or herself e@%osed e*en -ore to criticis- and (udge-ent. The roles are thus re*ersed: the *icti- is considered -entall& deranged and the a,user / the suffering soul. 5hat to do> )unU ?et a.a&U A-,ient a,use often de*elo%s to o*ert and *iolent a,use. Gou don9t o.e an&one an e@%lanation / ,ut &ou o.e &ourself a life. :ail out. #*e 9alignant "3ti<is< oA t*e 0,'sed 3 often co-e across sad e@a-%les of the %o.ers of self7delusion that the narcissist %ro*o+es in his *icti-s. 3t is .hat 3 call H-alignant o%ti-is-H. Peo%le refuse to ,elie*e that so-e questions are unsol*a,le! so-e diseases incura,le! so-e disasters ine*ita,le. The& see a sign of ho%e in e*er& fluctuation. The& read -eaning and %atterns into e*er& rando- occurrence! utterance! or sli%. The& are decei*ed ,& their o.n %ressing need to ,elie*e in the ulti-ate *ictor& of good o*er e*il! health o*er sic+ness! order o*er disorder. 'ife a%%ears other.ise so -eaningless! so un(ust and so ar,itrar&S 4o! the& i-%ose u%on it a design! %rogress! ai-s! and %aths. This is -agical thin+ing. H3f onl& he tried hard enoughH! H3f he onl& reall& .anted to healH! H3f onl& .e found the right thera%&H! H3f onl& his defences .ere do.nH! HThere M;4T ,e so-ething good and .orth& under the hideous facadeH! HNO ONE can ,e that e*il and destructi*eH! HHe -ust ha*e -eant it differentl&H! H?od! or a higher ,eing! or the s%irit! or the soul is the solution and the to our %ra&ersH. The Poll&anna defences of the a,used against the e-erging and horri,le understanding that hu-ans are s%ec+s of dust in a totall&

indifferent uni*erse! the %la&things of e*il and sadistic forces! of .hich the narcissist is one. And that finall& their %ain -eans nothing to an&one ,ut the-sel*es. Nothing .hatsoe*er. 3t has all ,een in *ain. The narcissist holds such thin+ing in ,arel& undisguised conte-%t. To hi-! it is a sign of .ea+ness! the scent of %re&! a ga%ing *ulnera,ilit&. He uses and a,uses this hu-an need for order! good! and -eaning / as he uses and a,uses all other hu-an needs. ?ulli,ilit&! selecti*e ,lindness! -alignant o%ti-is- / these are the .ea%ons of the ,east. And the a,used are hard at .or+ to %ro*ide it .ith its arsenal. )eturn

#+$ 0;#+"R

S*<'el >Sa<? =aknin

!'rri('l'< =itae

:orn in 1 Q1 in Bir&at7Ga-! 3srael. 4er*ed in the 3sraeli Defence 1orce <1 E 71 D"= in training and education units. $d'(ation ?raduated a fe. se-esters in the Technion / 3srael 3nstitute of Technolog&! Haifa. Ph.D. in Philoso%h& <-a(or: Philoso%h& of Ph&sics= / Pacific 5estern ;ni*ersit&! California! ;4A. M& doctoral thesis and other ,oo+s are a*aila,le through the 'i,rar& of Congress. ?raduate of nu-erous courses in 1inance Theor& and 3nternational Trading. Certified E7Co--erce Conce%ts Anal&st. Certified in Ps&chological Counselling Techniques ,& :rain,ench. 1ull %roficienc& in He,re. and in English. B'siness $53erien(e
89:; to 89:<

1ounder and co7o.ner of a chain of co-%uterised infor-ation +ios+s in Tel7A*i*! 3srael.

89:= to 89:>

4enior %ositions .ith the Nessi- D. ?aon ?rou% of Co-%anies in ?ene*a! Paris and Ne.7Gor+ <NO?A and AP)O13M 4A=: / Chief Anal&st of Edi,le Co--odities in the ?rou%9s Headquarters in 4.itAerland / Manager of the )esearch and Anal&sis Di*ision

/ Manager of the Data Processing Di*ision / Pro(ect Manager of the Nigerian Co-%uterised Census / 8ice President in charge of )ND and Ad*anced Technologies / 8ice President in charge of 4o*ereign De,t 1inancing
89:> to 89:?

)e%resented Canadian 8enture Ca%ital 1unds in 3srael.

89:? to 89:@

?eneral Manager of 3PE 'td. in 'ondon. The fir- financed international -ulti7lateral countertrade and leasing transactions.
89:: to 899;

Co7founder and Director of HMi+,ats7TesuahH! a %ortfolio -anage-ent fir- ,ased in Tel7A*i*. Acti*ities included large7scale %ortfolio -anage-ent! under.riting! fore@ trading and general financial ad*isor& ser*ices.
899; to Present

1reelance consultant to -an& of 3srael9s :lue7Chi% fir-s! -ainl& on issues related to the ca%ital -ar+ets in 3srael! Canada! the ;F and the ;4A. Consultant to foreign )ND *entures and to ?o*ern-ents on -acro7 econo-ic -atters. President of the 3srael cha%ter of the Professors 5orld Peace Acade-& <P5PA= and <,riefl&= 3srael re%resentati*e of the H5ashington Ti-esH.
899< to 899A

Co7o.ner and Director of -an& ,usiness enter%rises: / The O-ega and Energ& Air7Conditioning Concern / A8P 1inancial Consultants / Handi-an 'egal 4er*ices / Total annual turno*er of the grou%: 1# -illion ;4D. Co7o.ner! Director and 1inance Manager of CO4T3 'td. / 3srael9s largest co-%uterised infor-ation *endor and de*elo%er. )aised funds through a series of %ri*ate %lace-ents locall&! in the ;4A! Canada and 'ondon.
899< to 899?

Pu,lisher and Editor of a Ca%ital Mar+ets Ne.sletter distri,uted ,& su,scri%tion onl& to doAens of su,scri,ers countr&.ide. 3n a legal %recedent in 1 M / studied in ,usiness schools and la. faculties across 3srael / .as tried for his role in an atte-%ted ta+e7 o*er of 3srael9s Agriculture :an+. 5as interned in the 4tate 4chool of Prison 5ardens.

Managed the Central 4chool 'i,rar&! .rote! %u,lished and lectured on *arious occasions. Managed the 3nternet and 3nternational Ne.s De%art-ent of an 3sraeli -ass -edia grou%! HHa7Ti+shoret and Na-erH. Assistant in the 'a. 1acult& in Tel7A*i* ;ni*ersit& <to Prof. 4.?. 4hoha-=.
899? to 8999

1inancial consultant to leading ,usinesses in Macedonia! )ussia and the CAech )e%u,lic. Colla,orated .ith the Agenc& of Transfor-ation of :usiness .ith 4ocial Ca%ital. Econo-ic co--entator in HNo*a Ma+edoni(aH! HDne*ni+H! HMa+edoni(a DenesH! H3A*estiaH! HArgu-enti i 1a+tiH! HThe Middle East Ti-esH! HThe Ne. PresenceH! HCentral Euro%e )e*ie.H! and other %eriodicals! and in the econo-ic %rogra-s on *arious channels of Macedonian Tele*ision. Chief 'ecturer in courses organised ,& the Agenc& of Transfor-ation! ,& the Macedonian 4toc+ E@change and ,& the Ministr& of Trade.
8999 to =;;=

Econo-ic Ad*isor to the ?o*ern-ent of the )e%u,lic of Macedonia and to the Ministr& of 1inance.
=;;8 to =;;<

4enior :usiness Corres%ondent for ;nited Press 3nternational <;P3=. 6e, and Do'rnalisti( 0(tivities: Author of e@tensi*e 5e, sites in: 7 Ps&cholog& <HMalignant 4elf7'o*eH= / An O%en Director& Cool 4ite! 7 Philoso%h& <HPhiloso%hical MusingsH=! 7 Econo-ics and ?eo%olitics <H5orld in Conflict and TransitionH=. O.ner of the Narcissistic A,use Announce-ent and 4tud& 'ist and the Narcissis- )e*isited -ailing list <-ore than $ ## -e-,ers=. O.ner of the Econo-ies in Conflict and Transition 4tud& 'ist. Editor of -ental health disorders and Central and Eastern Euro%e categories in *arious 5e, directories <O%en Director&! 4earch Euro%e! Editor of the Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder! the 8er,al and E-otional A,use! and the 4%ousal <Do-estic= A,use and 8iolence to%ics on 4uite 1#1 and :ellaonline. Colu-nist and co--entator in HThe Ne. PresenceH! ;nited Press 3nternational <;P3=! 3nternetContent! e:oo+5e,! Po%Matters! and HCentral Euro%e )e*ie.H.

P',li(ations and 0&ards HManaging 3n*est-ent Portfolios in 4tates of ;ncertaint&H! 'i-on Pu,lishers! Tel A*i*! 1 DD HThe ?a-,ling 3ndustr&H! 'i-on Pu,lishers! Tel A*i*! 1 # H)equesting -& 'o*ed One / 4hort 4toriesH! Gedioth Aharonot! Tel A*i*! 1 E HThe 4uffering of :eing Faf+aH <electronic ,oo+ of He,re. 4hort 1iction=! 1 D HThe Macedonian Econo-& at a Crossroads / On the 5a& to a Healthier Econo-&H! <Dialogues .ith Ni+ola ?rue*s+i=! 4+o%(e! 1 D HThe E@%orters9 Poc+et,oo+H! Ministr& of Trade! )e%u,lic of Macedonia! 4+o%(e! 1 HMalignant 4elf7'o*e / Narcissis)e*isitedH! Narcissus Pu,lications! Prague and 4+o%(e! 1 ! "##1! "##$ The Narcissis- 4eries / e7,oo+s regarding relationshi%s .ith a,usi*e narcissists! 4+o%(e! 1 7"##" HAfter the )ain / Ho. the 5est 'ost the EastH! Narcissus Pu,lications in association .ith Central Euro%e )e*ie. 6 CEENM3! Prague and 4+o%(e! "### 5inner of nu-erous a.ards! a-ong the- the 3sraeli Education Ministr& PriAe <'iterature= / 1 E! The )otar& Clu, A.ard for 4ocial 4tudies / 1 EQ! and the :ilateral )elations 4tudies A.ard of the A-erican E-,ass& in 3srael / 1 ED. Hundreds of %rofessional articles in all fields of finances and the econo-&! and nu-erous articles dealing .ith geo%olitical and %olitical econo-ic issues %u,lished in ,oth %rint and 5e, %eriodicals in -an& countries. Man& a%%earances in the electronic -edia on su,(ects in %hiloso%h& and the sciences and concerning econo-ic -atters. 6rite to 9e: narcissistica,use7o.ner0&ahoogrou%s.co9- 6e, Sites: Economy B Politics: htt%:66ceeand, Psychology: htt%:66....narcissistic7a,

Philoso$hy: Poetry: htt%:66sa-*

Malignant Self Love

Narcissism Revisited
#*e Book 4)arc ss sts % 6e n a state of constant ra'e1 represse& a''ress on1 en6+ an& hatre&( The+ f r#%+ !e% e6e that e6er+one s % "e the#( As a res$%t1 the+ are parano &1 a''ress 6e1 ha$'ht+ an& errat c( )arc ss sts are fore6er n p$rs$ t of )arc ss st c <$pp%+( The+ "no/ no past or f$t$re1 are not constra ne& !+ an+ !eha6 o$ra% cons stenc+1 Ar$%esA of con&$ct or #ora% cons &erat ons( Jo$ s 'na% to a narc ss st that +o$ are a / %% n' so$rce . an& he s !o$n& to e9tract h s s$pp%+ fro# +o$( Th s s a ref%e9( 3e /o$%& ha6e reacte& a!so%$te%+ the sa#e to an+ other so$rce( If /hat s nee&e& to o!ta n s$pp%+ fro# +o$ s nt #at ons of nt #ac+ . he / %% s$pp%+ the# % !era%%+(4 This ,oo+ is co-%rised of t.o %arts. The first %art is an e@%osition of the *arious %s&chod&na-ic theories regarding %athological narcissis- and a %ro%osed ne. *oca,ular&. The second %art contains 1#" 1requentl& As+ed Buestions related to the *arious as%ects of %athological narcissis-! relationshi%s .ith a,usi*e narcissists! and the Narcissistic Personalit& Disorder <NPD=.

#*e 0't*or 4a- 8a+nin .as ,orn in 3srael in 1 Q1. A financial consultant and colu-nist! he li*ed <and %u,lished= in 11 countries. He is a %u,lished and a.arded author of short fiction and reference and an editor of -ental health categories in *arious 5e, directories. This is his t.elfth ,oo+.