CABIN PRESSURE TRANSCRIPTS

SEASON 1 EPISODE 1: Abu Dhabi

[bing bong] Douglas: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, First Officer Douglas Richardson here. Just to let you know, we are making our final approach now into what I am fairly sure is Fitton Airfield. Unless its a farm. Or just possibly the A45. Its not the sea, because thats blue. I should perhaps explain that Captain Crieff and I have a sportsman-like little bet on today about who can fly the best after drinking a liter of vodka through a straw. The Captain went first. You may have noticed the takeoff run was a little bumpy, particularly over the golf course. Now its me to land just as soon as I decide which of these two runways to aim for. And Im happy to tell you that I feel lucky! So on behalf of all your crew today, may I just say GERONIMO!! [credits] Martin: Blessed. Douglas: Ah yes, of course. May. Martin: Mm-hmm, yep. Cant. Arthur: Here we are, gents: coffee with nothing in it, tea with everything in it. Great cabin address, Douglas. I love cargo flights. Douglas: Thank you, Arthur. Martin: Ooh! Eno. Douglas: Ooweeno? Martin: Ooh, Eno. Douglas: Ah yes! Sewell. Arthur: Ooh, what are we playing? Martin: Brians of Britain. Arthur: There must be loads of them! Umm uhhh Douglas: Well, not to worry, as they come to you Arthur: Oh! Who was that guy um, oh, gray hair, did that game show, Can I have a P please, Bob? Um, what was his name? Douglas: Your hope being that it was Brian? Arthur: Yeah! Brian uh, Brian Martin: Bob Holness, it was Bob Holness. Arthur: Thats it! Oh. Well, does he count anyway? Douglas: Does Bob Holness count in our list of people called Brian? What the hell, yes he does. Well done. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tower: Golf tango india, expect twenty minute delay due runway inspection. Enter the hold at Arden, maintain seven thousand feet. Martin: Golf tango india, roger, hold at Arden, maintain seven thousand feet. Can you confirm delay only twenty minutes? Tower: *sigh* Probably. It all depends, really. Martin: Thank you, tower. Hugely informative, as ever. Out. Sorry chaps, looks like wed better divert to Bristol. Arthur: Bristol? Why? Martin: Fittons got a runway closure, wed have to hold for twenty minutes. Arthur: But Bristol, thats miles away. Martin: Yes, luckily enough, though, were in an aeroplane, specially designed to be good at going miles away quite quickly. Arthur: Yeah, but my cars at Fitton. Martin: Oh, well, then, let us by all means circle round it until we drop out of the sky. Douglas: Do you know, Martin, all these years and Ive never been to Bristol. Martin: Well get ready for a treat. Douglas: I dont know, I was rather hoping not to break my duck. Arthur: Skipper, are you sure theres not enough fuel to wait? Cause, theres always a little bit left when the gauge shows red. Martin: Yes, oddly enough Arthur, a jet aircraft isnt as precisely similar to a Vauxhall Corsa as a stupid person might imagine. Were going to Bristol. Arthur: What dyou reckon, Douglas?

Douglas: We could go to Bristol, I believe people do However, weve easily enough fuel spare to hold for twenty minutes, maybe even thirty. Martin: No, Im sorry, but were diverting. Arthur: Hang on a tick, though, if Douglas reckons twenty minutes Martin: No, lets not hang on a tick, lets listen to the captain, shall we? Douglas: Of course, Martin, if you say we divert, then divert we shall. Martin: Thank you. Douglas: Unless, of course, we were to smell smoke in the flight deck. Martin: What? Douglas: Im just saying, if, by any remote chance, we smelled smoke in the flight deck, we would of course be duty bound to land at the nearest available airfield with immediate priority. In this case, by a happy coincidence, Fitton. Martin: Yes, maybe, but I dont smell smoke in the flight deck. [match striking] Douglas: How about now? Martin: What are you suggesting, Douglas? Douglas: We tell the tower we smell smoke, which we do. We get to land straightaway, they check the aircraft, dont find anything, one of lifes little mysteries, but jolly good boys for taking no chances. Everybodys happy and theres jam for tea. Arthur: Right! Thats, you know, thats really clever. Martin: No, Im sorry, but absolutely not. Douglas: I used to do it all the time at Air England. Martin: Well, youre not at Air England now, where you are now is in the co-pilots seat, and on the way to Bristol. Youll like it. They have a lovelysuspension bridge. Douglas: Well, shall I just satcom Carolyn before we make our final decision? Its rather an expensive diversion. Martin: No, we have made our final decision. I have decided, and as Carolyn knows, whilst in flight, I am supreme commander of this vessel. Douglas: Golly. Captain Bligh flies again. Martin: Douglas, Im not impressed by your Air England mates. When youre on Captain Blighs aircraft you can do it his way, but when youre on mine, you do it mine. Is that understood? Douglas: Yes. Martin: Yes, what? Douglas: Yes it is. Martin: Yes it is, what? Douglas: Yes it is understood. Martin: Yes it is understood, what? Douglas: Yes it is understood, please? Martin: Im waiting. Douglas: Martin, youre not seriously asking me to call you sir? Martin: Yes, I am; why is that so hard to believe? Douglas: Well, to select just one reason from the fifteen or sixteen that present themselves Im old enough to be your father. Martin: Not unless you started very young. Douglas: I did. Martin: Right, well, I think your age and your previous role has given you a rather skewed view of the chain of authority on this aircraft, and maybe a little observation of the formalities will help remind you which one of us is still the captain, so Is that understood? Douglas: Yes sir. Martin: Thank you. Fitton approach, golf tango india, in view of your delay, request diversion Brisol. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [plane landing] Carolyn: Martin, youre a berk. Martin: Im not a berk, Carolyn, Im an airline captain. Carolyn: Wrong on both counts, youre a colossal berk, and youre not an airline captain. I dont have an airline; I have one jet. You cannot put one jet in a line. If MJN is anything, it is an airdot. Martin: Look, Im sorry Carolyn, but I cant just magic up extra fuel. Carolyn: Yes, and I cant just magic up seven thousand pounds to spend on you taking a scenic tour of the West Country. And where were you in all this, Douglas? Dont tell me you voluntarily went to Br istol?

Douglas: I did suggest an alternative plan to Sir, Carolyn, but Sir quite properly reminded me that Sir is in command, and we should all obey Sir at all times. Carolyn: Who reminded you? Douglas: Captain Crieff, or, as I am privileged to call him, Sir. Carolyn: Martin, you are many things, but believe me, you are not Sir. If anyone is Sir, I am Sir. And as Sir, I am telling you from now on, diversions are out. Martin: I see, so, if an engine catches fire on takeoff, shrug shoulders, keep upper lip stiff, and press on for Portugal. Got it. Carolyn: All right, Biggles, you divert if something goes very very seriously wrong, and I am talking, Oh dear, surely we had two wings when we started wrong. Otherwise otherwise you press on like a brave little soldier, and you stop treating my company as a bottomless money pit. Martin: That is completely unfair. Carolyn: Is that right? Ill tell you what, then. Why dont you explain to me why you had the cargo hold heated to thirty degrees all trip? Martin: Did we? Carolyn: Didnt you even know? Martin: Well, the thermostats in the hold, you see, and Carolyn: You are allowed to look in there when you do the walk round you know, its not secret. Do you know how much it costs to keep a large metal room toasty warm thirty thousand feet up in the air? It is surprisingly pricey, so listen, next Thursday youre going to Abu Dhabi, and youre going cheap. You will fly the most no-frills, most cost-effective plane it is possible to fly. You will make EasyJet look like Air Force One, understood? Martin: Yes, Carolyn. Douglas: And who are the lucky passengers on Scrooge McDuck Air? Carolyn: No passengers, some oil exec has moved out there and were bringing him everything he owns: furniture, clothes, carpets, cat the lot. Martin: Alright, what times the pickup? Carolyn: Theres not going to be a pickup. Martin: What? Carolyn: You remember that thing I said 15 seconds ago about no frills? Well, astonishingly, thats still in effect. There will be no taxis; you get to my house at 6:30 and Ill drive you. Martin: No, no, no, no, no, Im sorry, Carolyn, you simply cant treat us like this. Carolyn: Fine. Then do by all means feel free to resign, Martin, and take a job with one of the many companies eager to sign up the only commercial pilot in the skies who took seven goes to get his license. Martin: Look, Carolyn, you cannot penalize me for taking a rational command decision based on reasonable air safety concerns. Carolyn: Yes, I can. Martin: Well, technically you can. Carolyn: Good, then technically I will. Now, please, go and be somewhere else. Douglas: Well done, Sir. Thats her told. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [water sloshing] [knocking] Arthur [from outside the door]: Morning mum, can I come in? Carolyn: Do you have coffee? Arthur [still outside the door]: Yes. Carolyn: Can I have the coffee without talking to you? Arthur [still outside the door]: Not really. Carolyn: *sighs* Come in, then. [door opening] Arthur: Here you go. [mug clinking] Do you need a hand? Carolyn: Yes, pass me the shampoo and catch hold of this. [water sloshing] Alright, good girl, awww [dog yipping] Whos going to be a lovely clean doggie? Arthur: You know the chapsll be here soon, dont you? Carolyn: What time is it? Arthur: 6:15. Oh, damn. Carolyn: What? Arthur: Im trying to train myself to always talk in 24-hour clock like Martin, but I keep forgetting. Carolyn: Well, what should you have said?

Arthur: Well, 6:15, but not the 6:15 I was thinking of. You see, I was thinking of the one theres two of, but when you do it right there should only be one, and what I was doing Carolyn: Arthur, Arthur, Arthur, light of my life, do please shut up. Arthur: Right, yes, sorry. Sorry Mum, Im just so excited about the trip. Carolyn: Arthur, youve been on hundreds of trips, hasnt the novelty worn off a little? Arthur: No, never! Its just always exciting! That amazing moment when twelve tons of metal leaves the earth and no one knows why Carolyn: Yes, we do. Arthur: Yeah, but, you know not really. I mean, we know you need wings and engines and a sticky-up bit on the end for some reason, but its not like we actually know why a plane stays in the air. Carolyn: No, no, Arthur, we really do. We, we do, we do know that. Arthur: Oh. How, then? Carolyn: Well uh because will you give me that towel? [dog whining] Carolyn: Okay, okay, good doggie, keep still. Because, there are four forces acting on the plane. And so long as two of them are bigger than the other two, the plane flies. Arthur: Mum, I dont mind that no one knows. Carolyn: But we do! We do! Thats it! What I said, thats how. Arthur: Well, what are the four forces then? Carolyn: Yes, well, I will tell you what they are. Lift, weight, uh Arthur: Up and down? Carolyn: No, no, no, no, no, th- those are up and down. Its lift, weight Arthur: Left and right? Carolyn: No, no, no, no. Lift, weight Arthur: Engines? Carolyn: No, no, well, yes, yes, yes, sort of Um Thrust, thrust. Lift, weight, thrust, and Arthur: Time. Carolyn: Drag. Lift, weight, thrust, and drag. So, the weight and drag are overcome because the engines give the plane thrust and the wings give it lift. And thats how a plane flies. Arthur: How do the wings give the lift? Carolyn: What? Arthur: The wings are really heavy. How does bolting two ginormous lumps of metal to a ginormous lump of metal give it lift? Carolyn: Because they are wings. Theyre like birds wings. Arthur: Yeah, but birds wings flap. Ours dont flap. Theyve got flaps. But I once watched the flaps all the way to Stockholm and, take it from me, they are seriously misnamed. So why does having wings make a plane leave the runway? [doorbell rings] Carolyn: Ah, theyre here. Now, go and wait in the car with them, I need to clean my teeth. Arthur: Yeah, but how do the wings Carolyn: Answer the door! Arthur: Okay, Im going, Im going! Carolyn: [to the dog] There we are, Snoopadoop! Whos a lovely clean girl? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [door opening] Arthur: Hi there Douglas! Douglas: Morning, Arthur. Youre revoltingly chirpy for half six in the morning. Wheres your mother? Arthur: Shes just brushing her teeth. She says to wait there in the car. Wheres Martin? [Arthur enters car] Douglas: Who can predict the movements of the supreme commander? Perhaps God wanted to pick his brains about something. Arthur: How do you mean? Douglas: Nevermind. Ah! Whats this? Who is this commanding presence hoving into view? Can it be Sir? It can! Martin: Morning. Douglas: Greetings, oh Sir. Martin: Dont call me Sir, Douglas. Douglas: Sirs mind is fickle and changeable. I shall endeavor to remember, Sir, but from time to time, my natural awe at the majestic figure cut by Sir may bubble up uncontrollably, and Martin: Thank you Douglas, truly you are an hilarious pilot. Wheres Carolyn?

Douglas: Sharpening her teeth. Arthur: Brushing. Douglas: Brushing her teeth, yes, sorry. Well, in you get then, Sir of Sirs, youre letting the cold in. Martin: I cant, youre in my seat. Douglas: Your seat? You have a seat? Martin: Yes. Douglas: In Carolyns car? Martin: The front seat is my seat. Douglas: What, did you call shotgun? Martin: I dont need to call shotgun, Im the captain. Douglas: The captain gets the front seat in the aircraft Martin, because hes driving it, not in any vehicle he happens to be in. Martin: I always sit in the front seat in the taxi. Douglas: Only because the taxi goes to your house first. This time, I got here first, and so here I am. Voil. Arthur: Tell you what, if it makes it easier, I could go in the front. Martin and Douglas: Shut up, Arthur. Martin: Douglas, Im supposed to do the briefing. How am I supposed to give the briefing from the back seat? Douglas: Ill still be able to hear you, Ill be in the same car and everything. And my legs are longer; yards longer. Martin: But, I dont Douglas: Oh all right, Ill toss you for it. Martin: Hey, no, thats not fair, you know about me and coin tosses. Douglas: Heads or tails? Martin: Oh bloody hell, tails then. [tosses coin] Douglas: Oh. Thats odd. Martin: Did I win? Did I actually win? That never happens. Thats the first time in a run of about five hundred. Douglas: Just get on with it. Martin: *sighs happily* Now, that is nice. Comfy. Ahhhh. Now listen up, chaps, heres the briefing, fairly straightforward weathers good, clear skies expected at Abu Dhabi, our alternate is Dubai. Ill operate out, Douglas, you operate back, trust thats all clear? Douglas: Aye, aye, Captain Ahab. Martin: I suppose hes a friend of Captain Bligh, is he? Douglas: The three of you should go for drinks sometime. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [door opening] Carolyn: Okay, Team Useless, were late Martin: But thats because you were Carolyn: Shut up and listen, heres your briefing: Douglas will operate out, Martin back; clear skies at Abu Dhabi, your alternate is Bahrain. Martin: Carolyn, Ive already done the Carolyn: No, really, shut up and listen. Alternate Bahrain, but of course you dont need an alternate, because todays the day we try running MJN as a profitable business, rather than a charitable sanctuary for rubbish pilots. Oh, wait, wait, wait a minute. [car stopping] Martin, swap seats with Douglas. Martin: What? Carolyn: Hes too tall, I cant see out of the back window. [pause] Well come on, chop chop! Martin: I dont believe it! Carolyn: Im going to count to one. One! [doors opening and closing] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Douglas: Look at all this lot: carpets, vases, and a storage heater. Martin: Why would he want a storage heater in Abu Dhabi? Douglas: Well there is a lot of heat to store. Martin: Right, were done. Arthur, were done. Arthur: Coming, Skipper. Martin: What are you doing back there? Arthur: Just trying to soothe the cat.

[cat mewling angrily] Arthur: Ow! Martin: God, what happened? Arthur: I failed. Douglas: Good heavens, are you alright? Arthur: I think so. Hes sweet, really. He was just playing. Martin: At what, being a leopard? Douglas: I wouldnt have thought he could get his paw through the bars. Arthur: Nor did I. He really can, though. Martin: Do you want to go and sew yourself back together? Arthur: No, Im fineish. Douglas: It seems so, and now its back to the boring old plane flying. Arthur: Oh, yes, about that, I wanted to ask you something, Skipper. Mum was telling me this morning because theyve got wings. Douglas: Is there anything that woman doesnt know? Arthur: But she didnt really explain, why do wings lift us up? Douglas: Ah, well, ascension Martin: Uh, Douglas, he asked me. Listen carefully, Arthur. The wing is curved on top but flat on the bottom. When it meets the air it splits it in two. The air that goes over the top has further to go so it has to go faster to keep up with the air underneath. That reduces the pressure above the wing, giving us lift. Arthur: Ah, fantastic! Thanks Skipper, I totally get it now. Martin: Youre welcome. Arthur: Except why does it have to? Martin: Why does what what? Arthur: Why does the air on top have to keep up with the air on the bottom? Why dont they just split up? Douglas: For the sake of the kids? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Martin: Fuel system checked? Douglas: Checked. Martin: Hydraulics checked? Douglas: Checked. Martin: Transponder checked? Douglas: Like a picnic tablecloth. Martin: In general, plane not broken? Douglas: Plane, so far as one can tell, not broken. Martin: Great. Ill go and do the walk around then. Douglas: Not forgetting, of course, to check that the cargo hold temperature Martin: No, obviously not forgetting that, Douglas; do I have to remind you again whos in command? Douglas: Could it by any chance be you, Captain Queeg? Martin: Queeg? Youre just making them up now. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [plane landing] Tower: Bonjour golf tango india, maintain 340, direction Douglas: Mais oui, mon ami. Out. [clicks off intercom] Martin: Post-takeoff checks complete, Douglas. Douglas: Thank you Captain. Perkins. Martin: Oh, knock it off, Douglas. Douglas: Knock what off? Martin: Yes, alright, Ive never head of Captain Perkins, happy now? You win again in the game of referencing fictional captains I dont recognize, but dyou know, thats because instead of reading the adventures of Captain Perkins, in my punt at Eton College, Oxford, I was rereading Principles of Climatology for Pilots and underlining bits in red, alright? Douglas: Alright. Feel better? Martin: Yes. Douglas: Good. I said, Thank you, Captain. Perkins. Brian Perkins. Martin: Oh. Right. Hanrahan. [Arthur enters] Arthur: Lunch is served, gents! Douglas: Ah, excellent! What have we today?

Arthur: Oh, heaps of deliciousness. I spent hours on it. Martin: Arthur, I very much hope that you mean by that you spent hours removing the lids from our delicious catered food. Douglas: Which, to be fair, we are perfectly prepared to imagine of you. Arthur: Okay, uh, you see, the caterers were one of the things Mum thought we could tighten our belt around. She thought that with me not having terribly much to do on cargo flights, I could try my hand at doing the meals! Martin: Did she? Did she really? And what have you prepared? Arthur: Well, uh, two separate meals, as per, for someone, this! Martin: My god. Arthur: I call it my orange platter. Douglas: Really? I wonder why. Arthur: Oh, because everything in it Douglas: Yes, Arthur, I can see why. Martin: What makes the mashed potato orange? Arthur: Cooking it in the same sauce that I used to curry the baked beans. Martin: And the other option? Arthur: Ah-ha! My signature dish! Behold surprising rice! Douglas: Good lord! Martin: What are those bits? Arthur: Ah, you see, Skipper, if you dont mind me saying so, that question is entirely against the spirit of surprising rice. Douglas: Arthur, youre aware the point of giving us separate meals is so that we cant both get food poisoning? Theres really not much point if youre just going to poison us in two different ways. Arthur: Oh, come on, chaps. I tried my hardest, you know? Martin: Thats what were afraid of. Arthur, sorry, but please, take these away, humanely destroy them, and see if theres anything edible on the plane. Douglas, satcom please. [satcom beeping] Martin: Carolyn, what the hell are you trying to do? Carolyn: Whats the matter? Has Arthur told you about the accommodation already? I told him to wait till youd landed. Martin: Wha- no! What about the accommodation? Carolyn: Oh nothing, nothing! Youll love it! It has old world, Bedouin charm. What did you want then? Martin: The food, Carolyn! Were skilled professionals doing a difficult and dangerous job, we need proper catering. Carolyn: Skilled professionals dont go to Bristol. Ask anyone. Skilled professionals dont forget to check the cargo hold heating. Speaking of which, did you check it? Martin: Yes, yes of course I did! How could I forget with everyone reminding me twice a minute? I checked it before the walk round and I checked it after the walk round and it was definitely, definitely off. Douglas: On. Martin: What? Douglas: Sir means on, naturally, it was on. Whoops, must go now Carolyn, here comes a mountain, cheerio! [satcom beeping] Martin: Douglas, is this some half-baked revenge attempt? Because if so, its really pointless; why would she believe I deliberately turned it on? Douglas: Why indeed, but I had this sort of feeling you might hope she did, what with the cat in the hold and all. Martin: Oh god. Douglas: Precisely. I did try to remind you. Martin: Oh god. Douglas: Yes. Martin: Do you think its dead? Douglas: No, no, definitely not. Not yet. Martin: Oh god. Douglas: Probably feeling the chill, though. Martin: What flight time have you got? Douglas: A little under eight hours. Martin: How long can a cat survive in an unheated hold at thirty-four thousand feet? Douglas: Oh, I used to know this one Its always coming up in pub quizzes. Martin: Yes, alright. Douglas: Now then, is it three hours and twenty-eight seconds, or is that a weasel in a submarine?

Martin: You dont know? Douglas: I regret not. But I wouldnt hold out too much hope for the answer being eight hours. Martin: Oh god. Im going to have to kill the clients cat? Douglas: Its looking that way. Martin: I cant kill the clients cat. Douglas: Thats also true. Martin: Well what else can I do? Douglas: I suppose you could always Martin: I cant! I cant divert! Shell hunt me down! Shell actually hunt me down with knives. Douglas: Whereas if we carry on and freeze the clients cat to death? Martin: Also knives. Big knives. If we, we did carry on and the cat didnt make it do you think theyd be able to tell how it died? Douglas: Again, I fear you flatter my knowledge of cat pathology. Martin: I dont see how they could, I mean, its not as if its going to freeze into a block of ice, is it? Douglas: Not unless its a cartoon cat, no. Martin: I mean, its not as if the Cat CSI is gonna descend on us. Douglas: I wouldnt have thought so; theyre so busy these days. Martin: I mean, I know its a bit rotten for the cat, but ten thousand pounds to divert is quite a lot, isnt it? Douglas: A fair bit. And Carolyn Martin: And the knives Yes so, what do you think? Is that reasonable? Thats reasonable, isnt it? Isnt it? Douglas: Its a command decision, sir. All yours. Arthur: Right, I found some biscuits and some strepsils; who wants what? Douglas: I think we can probably risk both having the biscuits. Arthur: Skipper, are you alright? Martin: Yes. Arthur: Are you sure? Youre a sort of grey color. And you didnt even try the surprising rice. Martin: Im fine. Arthur: No, really, is something Douglas: Arthur, you were asking why the air over the wing has to keep up with the air underneath. Arthur: Oh, yes, do you know? Douglas: Indeed I do; attend. The air is not passing over the wing; the wing is passing through the air. So, the curved upper side stretches the air forced over it apart, reducing pressure, producing lift. The lift pushes up, the weight pushes down. So as long as the lift is more than the weight, up we go. And that, my friend, is how an aeroplane flies. Arthur: Got it! Right, yes! Cracking! I completely get it now. Douglas: Good. You see, its actually quite easy to grasp when its explained properly by someone who understands. Arthur: So thats why planes cant fly upside-down! Douglas: Uh yes they can. Arthur: Can they? Douglas: Well of course they can, havent you seen the Red Arrows? Arthur: But, doesnt that mean the curved side of the wing is on the bottom? So the lift is pushing down? As well as the weight? How does that work? Martin: Yes, Douglas, how does that work? Douglas: Well, Arthur, theres a very simple explanation, but just to finish what we were saying, Martin, I think its entirely up to you whether you let the cat in the hold freeze to death. Arthur: What?! Martin: Douglas! Arthur: Skipper! Douglas: No one wants to hear the explanation? What a shame. Arthur: Why?! Why would you do that? Martin: Im not doing it on purpose, Arthur. Arthur: Then why are you doing it at all? Martin: It seems the cargo hold heating may not have been turned on. Douglas: Masterly use of the passive voice. Arthur: But Skipper, its really cold as high up as this. Martin: Yes, thank you, Professor Science. Arthur: So we should turn the heating on. Martin: Yes, okay, good idea, you can do it, just climb out over the wing, wrench open the hold doors, swing yourself in, and adjust the thermostat. Arthur: Okay, how will I recognize

Martin: Not really! Arthur: Oh, Ive got an idea! We could divert! If we landed now the cat might be okay! Douglas: Well done, Arthur! Why didnt we think of that, Martin? Martin: Arthur, I know hes a lovely cat, but it costs thousands and thousands of pounds to divert and you remember your mother and her thoughts about that? Arthur: Right, yes. But, you know its just a sweet little pussy cat. Martin: Its not! Its a crazed psycho cat! Look at yourself, Arthur, you have open wounds! Arthur: Yeah, I suppose so, but its gonna get really cold. And, you know die. Martin: So, you want me to divert, is that it? You want me to ditch in Nowheresville, Normandy, you want me to tell Carolyn I do have the absolutely cast-iron excuse she demanded for diverting, and it goes meow? Arthur: Yes, please. Martin: Alright, fine. Fine! Alright, its only a job. Therell be other jobs. [beeping] France Control this is golf tango india request immediate diversion to nearest airfield. Tower: Roger golf tango india, do you have an emergency? Martin: Well, *sighs* weve got Douglas: One moment please, tower. [beeping] Martin: What is it, Douglas? Douglas: Captain [match striking] I do believe I can smell smoke in the flight deck. Can you smell smoke in the flight deck, Captain? Martin: Yes yes, I can, Douglas. Could you request an immediate diversion, please ? Douglas: Certainly, sir. [credits]

SEASON 1 EPISODE 2: Boston

CAROLYN: Your seatbelt fastens like this, and unfastens like this. An invaluable lesson there for any of you who have never been in a car. In the very unlikely event of an emergency landing, your inflatable safety jacket is under your seat, and that is precisely where I recommend it stay, given that the largest body of water between here and Luton is an open-air swimming pool inDaventry. Finally, please keep your mobile phones switched off for the duration of the flight. Obviously, they have no effect whatsoever on our navigational equipment, or we wouldnt let you have them. But, they drive me up the wall. Thank you, and enjoy your flight. [credits] [beep] MARTIN: Fitton approach, this is Golf Echo Romeo Tango India climbing to six thousand feet, left turn, direct Luton. TOWER: Okey-dokey, have fun. MARTIN: Carl TOWER: *sighs* Roger, Golf Tango India. MARTIN: Thank you. TOWER: Youre welcome. Dont fly into anything I wouldnt fly into. [disconnecting] DOUGLAS: Post-takeoff checks complete. MARTIN: Thank you Douglas. Could you balance the fuel, please? [pause] Douglas, the fuel? DOUGLAS: Sorry, Captain, cant help you. MARTIN: *sighs* Simon says, Could you balance the fuel? DOUGLAS: By all means. You know, you can give up anytime you like. Its been six trips. MARTIN: No, I can get you. Besides, I want another go. I know I can do better than last time. DOUGLAS: What, even better than, Shall we play Simon Says, Martin? Okay, Ill go first, Douglas. Tell me when youre ready, Martin. Im ready Douglas. Ah! I dont know, Martin, you set the bar punishingly high. CAROLYN: [entering] Ah, gentlemen. DOUGLAS: Oh dear. CAROLYN: What? MARTIN: Its always trouble when were gentlemen; I prefer it when were imbeciles. DOUGLAS: Or dolts. MARTIN: Dolts is good, yes. CAROLYN: No, this is good news! I have another job for you. MARTIN: Weve already got another job this week. CAROLYN: Indeed you have, so stand by for another-nother job. The fine people at Algonquin Charter Air have excellently grounded a Gulfstream at Luton, which leaves them with a whole parcel of cross Americans

who arent in America but would like to be. And guess whos making their dream come true? Our very own selves. MARTIN: We cant do it. CAROLYN: We can do it, we will do it, and we are doing it. Does that answer your question? MARTIN: It wasnt a question, Carolyn, it was a statement. The Istanbul trip is Thursday night. CAROLYN: I know. We get back Thursday morning. MARTIN: But we have to have twelve hours rest between trips. CAROLYN: I know, because you are lazy, lazy pilots. So, we get to BostonWednesday morning, twelve hours break, fly home Wednesday evening, arrive Thursday morning, twelve hours break, off to Istanbul, perfect. MARTIN: But Ive got my EasyJet interview on Wednesday afternoon. DOUGLAS: Ah, well, EasyJet, easy go. CAROLYN: You can still do that. I dont care what you do in your twelve hours; you can sleep or try to sneak away from my company like a sniveling rat; its all the same to me. MARTIN: Douglas, help me out here. DOUGLAS: Ahhh, nice try. MARTIN: Damn. CAROLYN: Please tell me youre not still playing Simon Says. DOUGLAS: Im afraid I cant do that, for two reasons ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ARTHUR: Good evening sir, welcome on board today. Good evening madam, welcome also to you today on board. Good evening sir, welcome to being on board to you today. Oh, uh, sir? Excuse me. MR LEHMAN: Yeah? What? ARTHUR: May I inform yourself that MJN does run a fully comprehensive non-smoking service, and as such result of this all cigarettes, cigars, and cigarellos must be extinguished upon embarkation and retained in a state of extinguishment until termination of the disembarkation. Thank yourself for your cooperation. MR LEHMAN: Im not cooperating. ARTHUR: No, not yet, but, Im sure youre going to in a minute, and then, thank you. MR LEHMAN: Do you know how much I paid to be on this flight today? ARTHUR: I bet it was loads. MR LEHMAN: Yeah, good guess, it was loads. It was so much that it seems to me that, uh, [inhaling] I can pretty much smoke where I like, okay? ARTHUR: But itits very dangerous to smoke on an aeroplane. MR LEHMAN: No its not. ARTHUR: I dont know what to say now. MR LEHMAN: How old are you, sonny? ARTHUR: Twenty-eight and a half. MR LEHMAN: Well, I was smoking on aeroplanes for twenty years before you were born. Why do you think the no smoking signs go on and off? ARTHUR: Actually ours dont mostly. Although one of them flickers. And theres one we cant turn on at all because it makes the cabin smell of fish. MR LEHMAN: Well, that sure gives me confidence. So, uh, [inhaling] were all done here, right? ARTHUR: Yep. MR LEHMAN: And I can smoke? CAROLYN: Hello! Welcome on board. Its my pleasure to serve you today. Please do let me know or a member of my team know if we can help you at any time such as for instance by extinguishing that cigarette. [hissing] MR LEHMAN: Hey! CAROLYN: Oh dear! Arthur, get this gentleman a fresh glass of wine please, this one seems to be a bit cigarette-y. Thank you so very much, and please do enjoy the rest of your flight. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MARTIN: Douglas, can you give me the fuel check at the last weigh point? [pause] Simon says, Give me the fuel check at the last weigh point. DOUGLAS: Certainly. Ten minutes early and seven hundred kilos up on flight plan. MARTIN: Nearly got you though, didnt I? [beeping] DOUGLAS: No. Ah here we go again, lets see what vital parts fallen off the old girl this time. Ah. MARTIN: What is it?

DOUGLAS: Shall I tell you an interesting thing about this thin metal tube full of petrol were flying hundreds of miles above the Atlantic Ocean? MARTIN: What? DOUGLAS: Its on fire. MARTIN: Douglas. DOUGLAS: Master caution fire, Captain; smoke detector, passenger loo. MARTIN: Ahh. Carolyn, weve got a CAROLYN: Yes, I know, I know, keep your goggles on. Its just stroppy Mr. Lehman in 3B. Hang on. [knocking] MR LEHMAN: Its taken. CAROLYN: Sir, please extinguish your cigarette, take the paper cup off the smoke alarm, make a mental note that that trick never works, and return to your seat. MR LEHMAN: Nope. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [flight deck door opening] CAROLYN: Martin, give Douglas your hat. [pause] Do it. MARTIN: You didnt say Simon says. CAROLYN: I am not playing your game. The man in the loo refuses to come out, so give Douglas your hat. MARTIN: Im sure to you those two sentences follow one another naturally but I dont quite see CAROLYN: I dont need you to see, I need you to give Douglas your hat. MARTIN: I dont want to give him my hat. DOUGLAS: If it helps, I dont want to take his hat. CAROLYN: Oh for goodness sake. Why dont people just blindly obey anymore? He needs your hat because I want the captain to go down there and strike terror into his heart. MARTIN: But Im the captain. CAROLYN: Im only too painfully aware that you are the captain, Martin, but Douglas actually looks and sounds like a captain. Youre not going to strike terror into anyones heart unless you chat them up in a bar. MARTIN: Right, well lets just see about that, shall we? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MARTIN: Mr. Lehman. MR LEHMAN: Yep? MARTIN: I notice youre no longer in the toilet cubicle, sir. MR LEHMAN: I bet the guys call you Captain Hawkeye. (AN: also possiblyCaptain Hawkeye.) MARTIN: Are you aware that ten minutes ago I was on the point of aborting the flight? MR LEHMAN: Oh I wouldnt do that if I were you, looks wet down there. MARTIN: Because, sir, I was under the impression that the aircraft was on fire. MR LEHMAN: No, it was just me smoking. MARTIN: Yes, I know. MR LEHMAN: Right. So you werent on the point of aborting anything, now were you? MARTIN: Sir, as the commander of this vessel, I must demand MR LEHMAN: Okay, thats about enough. What are you gonna do, commander? Have me arrested? No. And Ill tell you why not. Because your tin-pot little one-airplane outfit needs me and my business about a zillion times more than I need you. You think you can scare me, by marching down here in your Fisher Price When I grow up I wanna be a pilot costume? Give me a break! Youre not the commander of anything. Youre a little guy who cant get a game with the big boys, and wears a uniform like a rear admirals to make up for the fact that hes basically just a flying cabbie. Am I right?! MARTIN: [voice breaking] No! No, youre not right. Youre a very rude man. You cant speak to me like that. Im the captain. MR LEHMAN: Okay, captain, you run along now and, uh, try not to cry into any important equipment. MARTIN: [voice breaking] Im not crying. Your smoke got in my eyes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DOUGLAS: How did it go? MARTIN: Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Arthur? DOUGLAS: Well, anything you say five times is obviously true. ARTHUR: Yes, Skipper? MARTIN: Right, right. Arthur, did you see me inform Mr. Lehman about our non-smoking policy? ARTHUR: Well I wasnt really looking. I mean, I certainly didnt notice if he made you cry or not. I mean, he probably didnt.

MARTIN: I was not crying; his smoke got in my eyes. DOUGLAS: [singing] Smoke gets in your eyes MARTIN: Shut up, Douglas! Now, Arthur, weve already had one fire scare on this trip, we cant afford to take chances. And since we know that Mr. Lehman has been fully informed of the policy and therefore certainly wont be smoking in the loo again ARTHUR: Actually, I think he might. MARTIN: No, Arthur, he wont. ARTHUR: The thing is, though, Skip, with all due respect, but what Ive got that you havent is that Mum sent me on a course on understanding people inIpswich. MARTIN: And if I ever want the people of Ipswich understood, you ll be the first person I call. Meanwhile ARTHUR: Yeah, yeah, but it means I can now read people. You know, like a book. DOUGLAS: Have you ever read a book, Arthur? ARTHUR: Yes, actually. White Fang. Twice. Anyway, bringing my people-reading skills to the table, Im able to reveal to you now that Mr. Lehman didnt show any of the five indicators of true resolve to change his behavior patterns, and therefore, in a nutshell, I reckon he might smoke in the loo again. MARTIN: Listen carefully, Arthur. He definitely wont, and therefore, if the smoke alarm does go off again, it can only be a real fire, and so Im authorizing you in that unlikely event, not to waste time knocking, just to override the door lock and immediately discharge the fire extinguisher into any flame you see. ARTHUR: Ahhhh. Any flame I see. MARTIN: Thats right. Even if its just a little tiny glow-y one. ARTHUR: Aye-aye, Skipper! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ARTHUR: Okay, hes up, hes on the move Okay hes in. MARTIN: [through walkie-talkie] Okay Arthur, stand by ARTHUR: [laughing] Okay MARTIN: Stand by. [beeping] MARTIN: Oh, no, emergency! Emergency! The plane is on fire! Arthur, for the love of God, save us all! ARTHUR: Yes, Skipper! MR LEHMAN: Hey, what the !? ARTHUR and MR LEHMAN: [yelling] MR LEHMAN: Oh, oh god! Oh, my chest! [thudding] ARTHUR: Fires out. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [bing bong] MARTIN: Good evening, this is Captain Crieff speaking. Im sorry to have to tell you, a passenger has been taken ill. So if there is anyone with medical training on board, could they please come to the flight deck door? Thank you. DOUGLAS: Okay, weve moved him to the galley. MARTIN: Hows he looking? DOUGLAS: Well, hes covered in foam and hes had a heart attack. Otherwise, great. MARTIN: Right. I was just thinking, maybe we ought to turn the plane round. DOUGLAS: Well, yes, of course, we should. Havent you done it yet? MARTIN: Oh, right, right! Because, on the other hand obviously Carolyns not going to like it much. DOUGLAS: Martin, thats irrelevant. Its a serious medical emergency. You ditch into the nearest airfield, and were, what, twenty minutes off midway, so forty minutes closer to home. Theres no question we have to turn round is the decision I imagine you have come to, Captain. MARTIN: Yes, it is, exactly. [beeping] MARTIN: Shanwick, this is Golf Echo Romeo Tango India, we have a serious passenger medical emergency, wish to return as soon as possible. TOWER: Roger, Golf Tango India, stand by, Ill coordinate. MARTIN: Carolynll understand, wont she? I mean, a lifes at stake. Im sure I saw doctor on the load sheet. Here we are, 7A, Dr. Thomas Price, where is he? DOUGLAS: Lying low, I should think. MARTIN: What, why? DOUGLAS: Too scared of being sued. MARTIN: Youre joking. DOUGLAS: No! Especially going to America. If he tries to treat him and anything goes wrong, hes looking at a huge malpractice suit.

MARTIN: But surely no one will sue someone for trying to save their life. DOUGLAS: Lets face it, if anyone would, Mr. Lehman would. MARTIN: Go and have a quick look at him for me, would you? [ pause] *sighs* Simon Says, Go and have a quick look at him for me, would you? DOUGLAS: Then Simon shall be obeyed. TOWER: Golf Tango India, very little traffic on your track this evening. Maintain 330 turn right to Reykjavik and when in range contact Iceland 118.05. MARTIN: Oh. Reykjavik. I was thinking we could just go back home. TOWER: Well, Reykjaviks much closer. I thought you said it was a medical emergency. MARTIN: Okay, right, yeah, roger. [bing bong] MARTIN: Ladies and gentlemen, Captain Crieff here again, Im sure youll understand that as we have a passenger on board in need of medical attention, we will have to make an unscheduled stop today in, um, in Reykjavik. I do apologize for the inconvenience and once again if there is a person with medical training on board, please do make yourself known to us. Thank you. CAROLYN: [entering flight deck] Reykjavik?! MARTIN: Carolyn, hello. CAROLYN: Reykjavik? Reykjavik? Reykjavik?! MARTIN: Carolyn, you sound like youre coughing up a hairball. CAROLYN: Why in the wide world are we going to Reykjavik? MARTIN: Because, and I know on a busy flight you may have missed this, your son hosed a passenger down with a fire extinguisher and gave him a heart attack, so I thought it might be a touching gesture if we tried to get him to a hospital. CAROLYN: And whats wrong with the hospitals in Boston? MARTIN: Nothings wrong with them, theyre terribly good, but theyre 1500 miles away. CAROLYN: But do you have any idea what itll cost to land in Iceland? And find everyone accommodation and reroute tomorrow and miss Istanbul? MARTIN: A man may be dying back there! CAROLYN: A horrible man. MARTIN: Carolyn, just because a passenger is rude to you doesnt mean they deserve to die. CAROLYN: Okay. Martin, listen. We are almost halfway. Boston cant be more than, what, just forty minutes further? And, putting aside the thousands and thousands of pounds it will cost, look at it from his point of view. He lives in Boston. If we carry on, he goes to hospital in his home town. His family and his friends are right there. MARTIN: Friends? CAROLYN: Hes rich, hell have friends. If he goes to some hospital in Iceland, hell be alone in a foreign land, his family will have to fly over to be with him, maybe theyll be too late All for the sake of forty minutes. MARTIN: Shanwick, this is Golf Tango India, we wish to cancel our emer gency; wed like to continue to Boston. TOWER: Oh, all better now, is he? Thats nice. Roger, Golf Tango India, route direct to 51 North 30 West and resume your previously cleared track. CAROLYN: Good command decision, Captain. See you later. [bing bong] MARTIN: Sorry to disturb you again, ladies and gentlemen, just to let you know that we will after all be continuing our journey to Boston, and I repeat, if theres a doctor on board and they retain even a hazy memory of the Hippocratic Oath, it would be really super to see them in the galley. Thank you. DOUGLAS: What are you doing, Martin? MARTIN: Im trying to flush out Dr. Price. DOUGLAS: No, why are you turning back to Boston? MARTIN: Oh, well, I was just thinking it over and I realized its actually almost as quick to DOUGLAS: Carolyn got to you, didnt she? MARTIN: What? No, she didnt get to me, she just happened to make a couple of valid points that DOUGLAS: Martin, turn the plane round. MARTIN: No, Ive made a command decision. DOUGLAS: Its the wrong decision. Bostons an extra forty minutes away. MARTIN: Yes, well forty minutes, thats not all that DOUGLAS: If he dies thirty minutes out of Boston, just as he would be getting into the ambulance in Reykjavik, what are you going to tell his family? [beeping] MARTIN: Hello Shanwick, its Golf Tango India here again.

TOWER: Ah, if it isnt the bouncing bomb. Where can we tempt you with this time? Turner Reefs very nice this time of year. MARTIN: Reykjavik will be fine, thank you. TOWER: Are you sure now? I mean, dont rush into anything because Ive literally nothing better to do with my time than ping you around the Atlantic Ocean all the live-long day. [bing bong] MARTIN: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Crieff once again, just to let you know that I misspoke a little just now. We will in fact be diverting to Reykjavik airport as planned. [passengers groaning] MARTIN: Oh, I know, trying to save someones life is such a chore, isnt it? Speaking of which, if there is, in fact, and despite the deafening silence so far, a doctor on board, and if that doctor has quite finished his chicken casserole, blueberry cheesecake, and ooh coffee with milk no sugar, then maybe such a hypothetical doctor might like to stop flicking through the duty-free catalog and thoughtfully pulling on his sandy mustache and walk the hypothetical seven rows to join me with the patient here in the galley. But, if there isnt a doctor on board, then nevermind. [bing] [curtains opening] DR PRICE: Hello? MARTIN: Oh, hello! Mr. Price, is it? DR PRICE: Dr. Price. MARTIN: Oh, a doctor? Good lord, what a stroke of luck, the very thing were looking for. Well, this is the patient. DR PRICE: Okay, lets have a look, okay? Uh-huh. MARTIN: What do you think? DR PRICE: I think probably a bridge. MARTIN: A bridge? DR PRICE: Yeah, a tunnels obviously out of the question, but if you really need to get past him, you could use a couple of drinks trolleys and a stretcher to rig up a rudimentary cantilever bridge; that, at least, is my professional opinion as a PhD in civil engineering. Or has one of us made some sort of really embarrassing mistake? MARTIN: Im so sorry. I didnt DR PRICE: Yeah, oh, and by the way, I dont know anything about medicine, but this guy doesnt need a doctor. MARTIN: What? DR PRICE: Not anymore. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CAROLYN: Turn the plane around. MARTIN: Youre not listening to me. CAROLYN: No, and far more importantly, youre not turning the plane around. Do it. Now. MARTIN: I cant turn the plane around. CAROLYN: Martin, if there is one thing youve proved on this trip over and over again, its that you can turn the plane around. Or were we just caught in a slow-motion hurricane? MARTIN: But Mr. Lehman CAROLYN: Is dead, God rest his grumpy soul. So he doesnt need an ambulance, he doesnt need a hospital. All he needs is to be taken home, to Boston. MARTIN: Douglas? DOUGLAS: You could tell her we no longer have enough fuel left to get to Boston safely. MARTIN: Yes, thank you, Carolyn, we no DOUGLAS: But we do. MARTIN: Thank you so much. DOUGLAS: Sorry, but shes right, we should go to Boston. CAROLYN: Ah-ha! MARTIN: Fine, fine, well go to Boston, but only if CAROLYN: Yes? MARTIN: Douglas talks to Shanwick. CAROLYN: Douglas? DOUGLAS: My pleasure. [beeping] DOUGLAS: Hello, Shanwick. Greetings once again from the merry men of Yo-Yo Airways. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ARTHUR: Well, goodbye, then. I feel someone should, um, say a few words. Hamilton R. Lehman. Born, 1943 in America, probably. Died, 2008 in the sky. Definitely. Non-vegetarian option. I didnt know you for very long, Mr. Lehman, but Ill always remember you as, as a shouty man. You loved to shout. Shout and smoke, those were your twin passions. And so, in a way, I suppose you died doing what you loved. Shouting and smoking and covered in foam. I dont know if you liked that. You probably didnt. Still, goodbye. Rest in peace. Thank you for flying MJN Air. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MARTIN: Do you think well make it in time? DOUGLAS: Remember how I didnt know three minutes ago? MARTIN: *sighs* DOUGLAS: No new information has come in since then. MARTIN: Right. *sighs* DOUGLAS: You alright? MARTIN: Yes, its just, you know, it hasnt been a great trip, has it? I think possibly I made a few well I didnt exactly Ive got this interview when we get back if we get back in time, which I doubt and I just wondered if, as a captain, if things I mean, I only ask because of course you were a captain for a while, and I just wondered if, I mean its a bit difficult, but, could you give me some advice? DOUGLAS: Well, the main thing is, youve got to stop asking for advice. MARTIN: Great, thanks. DOUGLAS: Its okay, you can start as soon as Ive given you mine. Youre the captain, Martin. And one of the many excellent things about being captain, along with the irresistible sexual magnetism, and first crack at the cheese tray, is that youre always right. So, by all means, take opinions, but remember, you dont have to listen to Carolyn, you dont have to listen to ATC, you dont even and savor this because I shall never say it again you dont even have to listen to me. Youre the boss. What you say goes. MARTIN: Yes. Yes, youre right. Okay. Thank you. But, uh, Douglas DOUGLAS: What? MARTIN: Simon says, Could you give me some advice? DOUGLAS: Ahhhh Well done. MARTIN: My turn! My turn! DOUGLAS: Alright. Tell me when youre ready. [pause] Simon says, Tell me when youre ready. MARTIN: Im ready. DOUGLAS: Come again? MARTIN: Im ready! Ohh! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ARTHUR: Goodbye, thank you for flying MJN Air! Goodbye, thank you for flying MJN Air! Goodbye, thank you for flying MJN Air! Goodbye, tha Oh, thats it. All done, Mum! DOUGLAS: And were all finished at the pointy end with a cheeky little twelve minutes in hand before we go out of hours. CAROLYN: Great, well, the paramedics are back there in the galley with Mr. L, so as soon as theyre ready Oh, speak of the devils. Well, the angels. PARAMEDIC: Are you Carolyn Knapp-Shappey? CAROLYN: Yes. PARAMEDIC: Did you call up an ambulance crew, maam? CAROLYN: Yes, I did. PARAMEDIC: And why did you do that? CAROLYN: Why? Well because, well I mean, look at him. PARAMEDIC: We are looking at him, and wed like to know what you expect us to do with him. CAROLYN: I have to tell you I really dont mind. Once hes off my plane, as far as Im concerned, you can let your imagination run wild. PARAMEDIC: Maam, hes dead. Hes been dead some time. We are an emergency service. This guy, not so much an emergency. CAROLYN: Well what am I supposed to do? Carry him to the hospital over my shoulder? PARAMEDIC: Maam, you need to contact the coroners office. Theyll send out a vehicle. CAROLYN: When? PARAMEDIC: I dont know; when they can. You just give them a call tomorrow morning, see when they can do. DOUGLAS: Tomorrow morning? PARAMEDIC: Yeah, theyll be all closed up now. CAROLYN: So what are we supposed to do, just leave him here until theyre ready for him?

PARAMEDIC: Absolutely not. CAROLYN: Good! PARAMEDIC: Youre gonna need to remain in attendance. CAROLYN: What?! But, we, we, we cant! We cant! MARTIN: Just one moment if you please. CAROLYN: Martin, dont. PARAMEDIC: Sir MARTIN: Madam, I dont think you appreciate that I am the captain of this aircraft, not her. PARAMEDIC: Yeah, and? MARTIN: And and I just saw him move. PARAMEDIC: No, you didnt. MARTIN: I absolutely did. PARAMEDIC: This mans been dead for some time, sir. MARTIN: I dont think so; Im telling you, I just saw him move. PARAMEDIC: What movement did he make? MARTIN: He did a little wave. PARAMEDIC: I dont think so. MARTIN: Well I do think so, and I am an airline captain, the commander of this vessel, and Im willing to swear anywhere that he absolutely did. He gave me a little wave, and then he pointed at you, and then he tapped his watch as if to say Why arent I in the hospital already? And then he relapsed into his unconscious state, so it seems to me you can either refuse to take him and I can while away the hours I spend waiting with him filing a complaint against you for negligence, which will tie us all up in endless red tape until I eventually agree that maybe what I saw was just rigor mortis, or you can take him with you now in your big, empty ambulance, to the hospital, to which you are going anyway, and we can all hope and pray he doesnt die on the way. PARAMEDIC: Okay, Lucas, patient seen exhibiting vital signs, get him on the gurney. MARTIN: Thank you so much. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CAROLYN: Where is he? DOUGLAS: Well, if last nights anything to go by, hes telling the whole story to every third person he meets. It slows him down a tad. ARTHUR: While were waiting, can I just have a quick look in duty free? CAROLYN: No, Arthur, you do not need any more Toblerones. ARTHUR: Mum, theyve got the white ones! MARTIN: Ah-ha! There you all are! Good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning! DOUGLAS: Good morning, Martin! Still feeling pretty chipper, I see. MARTIN: And whyever not? Twelve hours restful rest, beautiful blue sky to fly in, and a certain sense of a job rather well done. CAROLYN: Yes, Martin, were all delighted by your new-found butch-ness, now can we please just get through customs and go home? CUSTOMS: Is this your bag, sir? MARTIN: Yes, yes. Im sorry, Carolyn, do I detect a note of tetchiness? Surely you havent already forgotten how I singlehandedly saved you from losing out on a trip worth tens of thousands of pounds. CUSTOMS: Im just gonna take a look through it. MARTIN: Yeah, fine. CAROLYN: Not yet, you havent. Weve still got to get back on time. MARTIN: You neednt worry about that Carolyn; clear skies, no wind, no pesky passengers to peg out midway Istanbul awaits us. As indeed do the good people of EasyJet, await me anyway. CUSTOMS: Whats this? MARTIN: What? CUSTOMS: Whats this? MARTIN: Well, since you ask, its a nose hair clipper, okay? CUSTOMS: It cant go in your hand luggage. You need to put it in the hold. MARTIN: But theyre nasal clippers. What am I supposed to do with nasal clippers? CUSTOMS: Im sorry sir, thats federal law. MARTIN: You do realize we have an ax on the flight deck, dont you? CUSTOMS: What? DOUGLAS: OF course, Captain, there is a time and a place for the strong-arm tac MARTIN: We have a fire ax. So youre stopping me from equipping myself with the deadly power of the nose hairs trimmer on board a plan where I can, should the mood take me, brandish an ax.

CUSTOMS: Im not sure what youre telling me, sir. DOUGLAS: Hes not telling you anything, he doesnt want his silly old clippers anyway, repulsive object. Come on, Martin, before you say anything you might MARTIN: And besides that, Im the one flying the bloody thing, if I want to crash the plane I dont even need an ax, I just need to push on the big metal column in front of me [thud] MARTIN: Ugh! CUSTOMS: Sir, I am arresting you under Section 6 of the Anti-Terrorism Actof 2002. MARTIN: What?! CUSTOMS: You were heard in the presence of witnesses to make a threat against the safety of the aircraft. Please come with me. Sir! CAROLYN: You idiot, Martin! You colossal idiot! [struggling] MARTIN: But Ive gotta fly the plane in forty minutes! CUSTOMS: Oh, no sir, I dont think so. Come with me, please! [struggling] CAROLYN: Come back! Come back! Bring him back! DOUGLAS: So, Arthur, shall we take a look at those Toblerones?

SEASON 1 EPISODE 3: Cremona

[bing bong] Douglas: Good evening, this is first officer Douglas Richardson. Just to let you know, were now making our final preparations to fly you to the moon. While were airborne, I do hope youll take advantage of the opportunity to play among the stars. Those of you sitting on the left hand side of the aircraft should have an excellent view of what spring is like on Jupiter. And on the right hand side, Mars. In other words, hold my hand. In other words, baby, kiss me. Cabin doors to automatic. [credits] Martin: [chuckling] Very good, very good. Okay, my turn. Douglas: Alright, uh do Come Fly with Me. [bing bong] Martin: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of MJN air, Id like to invite you to [singing] Come fly with me, lets fly, lets fly away Carolyn: [on intercom] Martin, Martin what on earth are you doing? Martin: Carolyn, I, yes, nothing. Carolyn: Whats going on in there? Youve been on stand for half an hour! Ive been waiting for you in the portacabin. Douglas: Yes, we saw your light was on and we thought you might still be there. Carolyn: But you didnt come in! Douglas: No, we saw your light was on and we thought you might still be there. Carolyn: Well come in now, I want to talk to you. Well heaven knows thats not true but I have things to tell you! [disconnecting] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [doors opening] Carolyn: Ah, at last! Now, then. Guess whos got a job tomorrow. Ill give you a clue: its us!

Douglas: And they called Hitchcock the master of suspense. Carolyn: Anyway, youll like this trip. Youre taking a film star to Italy. Martin: A film star? Carolyn: Mm-hmm. Martin: Which one? Carolyn: Hester Macaulay. Martin: Oh, yes, wasnt she Arthur: Hester Macaulay?! Douglas: Good lord! Arthur, I didnt know you were here! Arthur: Hester Macaulay?! The Lady of the Lake?! In my cabin?! Martin: What were you doing behind there? Carolyn: And what are you talking about, idiot child? Arthur: She was Griselda! The lady of the lake! In Quest for Camelot! Carolyn: Oh, was she? Arthur: Yes! Shes the one who tells Arthur to bring her Excalibur. Douglas: Bring her Excalibur? Surely she gives him Excalibur. Arthur: How could she give him Excalibur? Excaliburs a person. Douglas: Right. Keen Arthurian scholars, were they, these filmmakers? Arthur: Well, I say person; obviously it famously turns out hes a vampire. Carolyn: Arthur, theres something on your face. Arthur: Oh, got it? Carolyn: No, no, lower. Its hanging of the bottom of your face. Its a sort of huge shelf of bone and flesh and its flapping about making a horrible noise. Can you make it stop? Arthur: Right. Yes. Sorry, mum. Carolyn: Thank you. Now, scatter to the winds, all of you. Martin: flight plan; Douglas: load sheet; Arthur: coffee. Arthur: Right. Carolyn: Fly, my pretties! Fly! Martin: Come on, monkey-face. Arthur: Right-o. [door opening and closing] Douglas: Cremona? So I imagine were staying at the Excelsior? Carolyn: Then carry on imagining, Douglas, because thats as close as youre getting. Ms. Macaulay will be at the Excelsior; you will be over the road at the Garibaldi. Douglas: Oh, no! The Garibaldis an absolute dump!

Carolyn: A dump, yes, but a keenly-priced dump. Douglas: If this was a proper airline wed be staying at the Excelsior. Carolyn: Agreed. And if you were proper pilots, youd be flying with a proper airline. Impasse. Now, go and do me that load sheet. One passenger and a dozen shirts. Douglas: One of our sweatier actresses, is she? Carolyn: No, the films set in Fascist Italy, and apparently the studio needs some extra black shirts for the um Douglas: Extras? Carolyn: Yes, playing Douglas: Blackshirts? Carolyn: Precisely. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Martin: [rehearsing to himself] Good morning, madam, and welc No,maam. Good morning, maam, and welc No, shes not the Queen! Hmmm. Good morning, Ms. Macaulay, and we No; madam. Arthur: [entering with Douglas] The thing is, it is unprofessional to tell a passenger that you once made a collage of her face out of pasta shapes? Douglas: I really dont know. Arthur: You see, part of me thinks Douglas: Oh, Im sorry; did I say know? I meant care, I dont really care. Morning, Martin, youre looking very smart. Martin: [defensively] No, Im not, no more than usual. This is how I always look; what are you saying? Douglas: Yes, youre quite right, it was an unforgivable compliment; I do apologize. Now then, Arthur, spot test. Arthur: Ah, great, I love these! Douglas: What can you tell me about the group of people we passed just now waiting outside the portacabin? Arthur: Right, um I didnt really notice them Um Mostly men, I think. I think one of them had a beard. Thats it. Douglas: There were about thirty of them, all wearing homemade suits of armor and singing a song about a dragon. Arthur: Yeah, now you say that Martin: Suits of armor? Why on earth? [door banging open] Crowd: [singing] As it was written, so it shall be! Hester: Thank you, thank you. Yes, thank you. Oh, hello. MJN Air? Martin: Yes, hellooo! Ah, good morning, Ms Madam, and welc Ma Madam Macaulay Ms Maa mmm Ms Macaulay Hester: Hm! Thank you! But please, call me Hester.

Douglas: Yes, the full titles rather a mouthful, isnt it? Martin: [stuttering] This is First Offi I mean, Im Captain Martin Crieff, but this is the First Officer Douglas Richardson, the co-pilot. Hester: Pleased to meet you, Mr Co-Pilot. Is that like being a co-star? Douglas: I suppose it is, yes. Martin: [laughing] Well, not really, I mean, a co-star is equal with the other co-star, whereas the co-pilot is junior to me. Hester: Oh yes, Im sure he is, Captain Crieff. Martin: Please, call me Madam Martin! Hester: Thank you, Martin, I will. And who is this? Arthur: Hello. Im Arthur. Hester: What? Arthur: Uh Im Arthur? Hester: King of the Britons? Arthur: Steward of the Aeroplane. Douglas: Yeah, he really is called Arthur. Hester: Oh. Oh, Im so sorry, Arthur. I thought you were one of those idiotic fans. Now, I wonder if I could just have a quick word with the manager? Martin: Oh, yes, yes, of course. Just through that door there. Hester: Thank you so much Captain uh, Martin. Martin: Youre quite welcome Hester. Douglas: Oh, quite welcome, Hester. Quite, quite, quite. Martin: Jealous. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Carolyn: Oh, hello. You must be Ms Macaulay. How splendid to meet you. Hester: Wheres the manager? I want to speak to him. Carolyn: Well, Im her. Carolyn Knapp-Shappey, owner and manager. Hester: Alright, then what the hell is going on here? I arrive at what Im assured is a competent and discreet private charter firm to find the entrance thronged with my fans Carolyn: Would you call them a throng? Hester: Through which I have to fight my own way Carolyn: Im not sure thirty is a throng A gathering, maybe. Hester: Because no one is there to meet me, to help me from the taxi, to take my luggage, to show me to the Carolyn: Im so sorry, I had no idea! Well make arrangements immediately. Now may I ask the precise nature of your disability?

Hester: What? Im not disabled! Carolyn: Oh! Im sorry; I thought you said you couldnt get out of a taxi without help. Hester: Listen, have you even flown a flim star before? Carolyn: We took Norman Pace to Farnborough. Hes a lovely man. Hester: Well I am not Norman Pace. Carolyn: I was beginning to suspect as much. Hester: Listen to me, dearie. One more crack out of you, and the executive producer of this film will cancel the contract and rebook me on a flight with a professional company. Carolyn: Im so sorry if I have in any way offended you. Nothing could be further from my intention. Hester: Thats better. And another thing. Is that strange little red-faced man actually a qualified pilot? I mean, am I safe to fly with him? Carolyn: I can assure you that Captain Crieff is very nearly the best pilot in the company. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Martin: And beside that, we have the artificial horizon. Hester: Gosh, yes! What does it do? Martin: Well, it just tells you if youre flying level or or or not level. And, if youre not flying level, you can correct it on the basis of that and fly more more Douglas: Levelly? Martin: Levelly! Douglas: Lovely. Martin: And these are the altimeters. Hester: Really? They sound like a nice middle-class couple, dont they? [all laughing] Martin: [stuttering] How do you mean? Hester: You know, Oh, do come in! Lovely to see you; now, have you met the Altimeters? Martin: [laughing] Oh! I see! Yes, thats very good! [laughing] Yes, the Altimeters! Mrs and Mr Altimeter. [lowering voice] Im Im Im Greg Altimeter, and this is my wife, Catherine Altimeter! [laughing, snorts] Hester: Exactly, yes. Why do you need two? Martin: Um, just in case one goes wrong. Douglas: Thats the theory anyway. In practice, its like Confucius says: Man with one altimeter always know height; man with two, never certain. Hester: [laughing] Martin: Oh, I know loads like that! [Chinese accent] Confucius, he say Oh, theyve, um, theyve all gone out of my head. Hester: Well nevermind. I probably ought to go back now, actually. Thank you so much for showing me around up here.

Martin: Right, yes, of course. Well, Im glad you enjoyed it! Who knows, maybe you can show me round a film set one day. Hester: Maybe. Who knows? Martin: Never eat yellow snow! Hester: What? Martin: Confucius, he well, thats not one of the best ones. Hester: Okay. [door opening and closing] Martin: What a lovely woman. Douglas: Oh, did you like her? You seemed rather cool and distant. Martin: Oh no, did I, really? Douglas: No. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arthur: Hello. Hester: Oh, hello. Arthur: Might I ask yourself at this time if yourself would care to partake of the enjoyment of the in-flight entertainment system we do provide on the aircraft today? Hester: What? Arthur: Shall I put the telly on? Hester: Thats sweet of you, but, Im quite happy reading my book. Thank you. Arthur: Youre welcome. Hester: Is that all? Arthur: Yes, thats all. Except, Im sorry about that thing when you met me and you thought I was a fan. Hester: Oh, no, no, no, I should apologize to you. Its just, those ridiculous Camelot idiots. They follow all over the world, singing and changing and telling me theyre my biggest fans It gets to one a little sometimes, you know? Arthur: Right, I see. Still, though, I just want to say, I am your biggest fan. Hester: Oh really? Arthur: Absolutely. Hester: Enjoy my Clytemnestra, did you? Arthur: Your Clyte? Hester: My career-defining Clytemnestra at Stratford? Or perhaps you preferred my Olivier award-winning performance in A Dolls House? Arthur: You performed in a dolls house?! Hester: Or, perhaps youre more of a movie buff.

Arthur: Yes, I just love Hester: No, dont tell me, Im keen to guess. A Light Shines Darkly? Tails You Lose? Fargles Bear? Arthur: No, I love Hester: Because I hope you werent about to suggest that youre my biggest fan based on two miserable weeks I spent up to my bosom in pond weed filming some ridiculous fantasy dreck I only agreed to because my little cat needed a dialysis machine! Arthur: Right. No, I liked the other ones. Did your cat get better? Hester: No, she died. Arthur: Oh, dear. Still, you know what they say about cats? Hester: What? Arthur: Theyve got nine lives. So, maybe shes still alive? Hester: Get out of my sight! Arthur: Right-o! Carolyn: [entering] Everything alright in here? Arthur: Im just getting out of a clients sight. Carolyn: So often the key to a happy flight. Hester: Please explain to me what the hell is going on here. Carolyn: Difficult book, is it? Hester: Not the book! The fact that, having assured me I would have no more trouble from my weird fans, you appear to have assigned me one as my steward! Carolyn: I apologize, madam, but can I congratulate you on the hard-line manner in which you dealt with the menace? Hester: What? Carolyn: Oh, its just that, so many people, faced with someone shyly telling them they l iked their work, would simply have smiled and said Thank you, but not you! You let the bastard have it with both barrels! Well done you! Hester: Listen, its not too late for me to walk out on you, you know. Carolyn: Thats true, so long as you can phone your executive producer before we take off. May I just remind you all electronic equipment must be switched off until after we take off? Hester: I am the executive producer. Carolyn: How can I make madams journey more comfortable? Hester: Thats better. I want that Camelot freak kept out of my sight. You can do my stewardessing, and you can start by bringing me a lemon tea. Carolyn: Instantly, madam. [from behind the curtain] Arthur, put the kettle on and dig out those lemon handwipes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arthur: Wow! This hotels amazing! Look, that whole walls a waterfall!

Martin: Well, dont get too attached to it; the Garibaldi is pretty different. Though, to be fair, it does also have water running down the walls. Douglas: Ms Macaulay, may I present the Excelsior? Hester: Oh, its lovely, Douglas! Thank you so much. Receptionist: Bongiorno signore! Martin: Oh, bongiorno. Um, do you speak English? Receptionist: Of course, sir. Martin: Good, great. Umm, uh, one room please. Receptionist: Certainly. What name is it? Martin: Mrs Hest Hester: Martin! Martin: Yes? Hester: I dont use my real name. The fans, remember? Martin: Oh yes, of course. What name do you use? Hester: Oh, various ones. Often cartoon characters. Arthur: Oh, wow! Did you nick that off Notting Hill? Hester: They nicked it off me. Martin: So, what name shall I use? Hester: You choose? Martin: Uh yes. One room please, for Miss Jessica Rabbit. Hester: Martin! Martin: Oh, god! No! I mean, I didnt mean you look like not that you dont look like well, not that you do, but Um, not Jessica Rabbit Mrs Snoopy! Hester: Why only one room? Where are you all staying? Douglas: The Garibaldi. Hester: Oh, no. No, you mustnt stay there, its ghastly! They tried to put me up there when I did Who Do You Think You Are? Douglas: Oh, you have Italian relatives? Hester: God, no. But when the BBC offer to fly you to wherever your family are from, you dont say Kidderminster. The Garibaldi is the most awful dive! I insisted they move me! Douglas: Oh, dear. Well, Carolyn cant have known that when she booked it for us, can she, Martin? Martin: No. Hester: If I were you, Id just stay here. Oh, unless you have to Douglas: Captain? Martin: No, no, we dont have to! Good lord, no. Um three more rooms, please.

Receptionist: Certainly, sir. What names? Arthur: Oh! Oh! Can I be Goofy? Martin: Douglas Richardson, Arthur Shappey, and Captain Martin Crieff. Receptionist: Oh, youre a capitan! Martin: Thats right, Im an airline captain. Receptionist: So, did you want a suite? Martin: What? Receptionist: Well, generally when the air crews come, the capitan, he likes a suite. Martin: Yes! Uh, the thing about that is Receptionist: No, sir, I ask because, Im sorry, we have none left today. Martin: Oh! Oh, well, well yes, I would have liked one, I mean obviously, Im an airline captain, and frankly this is very shoddy, I mean, Ill rough it this once in one of your normal five -star rooms, but Im very disappointed. Receptionist: Well, you could always state rooms? Martin: What? Receptionist: The state rooms, on the fifth floor. The whole of the fifth floor. Hester: Yes, Martin! Why dont you?! Martin: Right! Yes, yes! I will! Yes! Yes! Douglas: Nonchalantly done. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Martin: [calling out to Hester] And, uh, anything else I can do, you have my number, so dont hesitate to call! [elevator doors opening and closing] Arthur: Wow, Skip! Five-star hotel, eh? This is the life! Martin: No its not. Arthur: Isnt it? Martin: No, were going straight back down to the lobby, refunding those rooms, and were going back to the Garibaldi. Im so sorry to disappoint you. Arthur: No, its fine. I dont like big hotel rooms anyway. Too many drawers. Martin: Drawers? Arthur: Yeah, cause, you know, youve gotta put something in every drawer, havent you? Or it doesnt feel like home. And sometimes, in these places, I have to split pairs of socks. Martin: Ah, hello. I was here fifteen minutes ago, I Receptionist: I remember you! Martin: Yes, I imagine you would do. Receptionist: Its very exciting for us, you know. We dont often get to rent out the state rooms in the winter.

Martin: No, I bet you dont. The thing is, I, um, Ive been up to have a look at the room ah - the rooms, and to be honest, theyre a little stately. Receptionist: Theyre state rooms. Martin: Yeah, yes, I appreciate that, but there comes a point, dont you feel, when a state room crosses the line from being a nice stately room for a statesman to lie in state and becomes, you know, just terrifyingly huge and expensive. So, if you could possibly just refund me the Receptionist: Oooh Martin: I dont like the way you said oh; please tell me its a cultural thing and thats just how you begin the sentence, Oh, dont worry, sir, thatll be no problemo at all. Receptionist: No, the problem is, uh, somebody just tried to rent the state rooms and we had to turn him down. Martin: Great, he can have it. Receptionist: No, no, hes gone now. Uh, we dont know where Martin: What did he look like? Receptionist: [stuttering] Uh, he was a big man with a big coat and a big beard. Martin: Right, so in the eight minutes since I was last here, Brian Blessedstrolled in, tried to rent the most expensive suite in the hotel, and then left disappointed for a destination unknown? Receptionist: I didnt get his name. Arthur: Bluto? Martin: Despite you just telling me you never get any bookings for it in the winter. Receptionist: What can I say, we were lucky. Martin: Yes, well, you make your own luck, dont you? How about the other two rooms, the normal-sized ones, can you refund those? Receptionist: This maybe we can do. [phone ringing] Martin: Oh, for heavens sake! Arthur, go to Douglass room, 312, stop him unpacking, Ill meet you there. [answering phone] Hello? Carolyn: Martin, my favorite aviator. Martin: Oh, god, whatve I done now? Carolyn: Nothing, nothing, you simply find me in a rare good humor! Martin: Certainly rare. Carolyn: Im in Italy on a sunny day, my flight home is not until midnight, the studio have coughed up the money like lambs, and generally all is rosy. Unless you were about to tell me otherwise? Martin: No, no! Everything heres fine. Carolyn: Excellent! Well, such a good mood am I in, I thought I would treat you three to dinner tonight. Martin: Well, thats very nice of you Carolyn: And not only that, but at the Excelsior!

Martin: Oh, no, no! The Garibaldi will be fine! Carolyn: Oh, dont be ridiculous, the Garibaldi is far from fine or you wouldnt be staying there. Martin: Actually, I had a look at the restaurant, they do a very nice Italian burger thing. Looks good. Carolyn: I dont know what youre playing at, Martin, but stop it. For reasons of my own, I particularly want us to eat at the Excelsior this evening, so that is where I shall see you, 7:30 sharp! [phone beeping] Martin: Oh, terrific. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Martin: 310, 311, ah, 312. [knocking] [door opening] Douglas: Ah, Martin, hello. No. Martin: No what? Douglas: No way, absolutely out of the question Jose. Martin: You dont know what Im going to ask! Douglas: Oh, but I do. Arthur: Hello, Skipper. Dont worry, I filled Douglas in. Martin: Oh, well done. Douglas: So if Arthur can be relied upon, which I concede is far from a given, youre going to ask if, to save your skin with Carolyn, I will leave this lovely five-star hotel room and go to the Garibaldi. Martin: Yes. Douglas: While you stay here in the five-star hotel state room suite. Well, obviously, Ill have to think long and hard about this one. No. Martin: Douglas Douglas: Sorry, I like it here. I have two fluffy dressing gowns in case one of them goes wrong. And there are complimentary mixed nuts, which is charming. Martin: Well Im sorry, but Ive returned this room to the hotel, you cant stay here. Douglas: Fair enough, then you go to the Garibaldi and Ill have the state rooms. Martin: No, Douglas, Im trying to tell you, youre right. Douglas: So glad we agree. Martin: Youre right, you cant trust anything Arthur tells you. Of course Im not staying in the state rooms. I got them refunded too. Arthur: What, after Id gone? Martin: Yes, after youd gone. Arthur: Oh, well done, Skip! I must say, Im surprised because that receptionist seemed pretty

Martin: Im very persuasive! So, all the rooms are refunded and we have no choice but to go to the Garibaldi, okay? Douglas: Spoilsport. Alright, give me ten minutes, I have things to pack. Martin: You cant have unpacked already. Douglas: I didnt say they were my things. Martin: Dont forget the mixed nuts. Douglas: As if I would. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arthur: Gosh, it is different here, isnt it? Are those real? Douglas: No, no, theyre decorative stuffed cockroaches. See you at dinner then, chaps. Martin: Bye. [to Arthur] Is he gone? Right [to receptionist] Bongiorno, excuse me, I made a mistake, I just want one room please. If we can return these two? Thank you. Arthur: Whats going on, Skip? Martin: Alright, Arthur, listen really carefully. Arthur: Oh dear, I hate these. Martin: You and I arent staying here tonight; were staying in the Excelsior! In the state rooms! Arthur: But I thought you managed to retu Martin: No, of course I didnt return them! But, heres the important thing. [door opening, walking across street] Martin: You mustnt tell Douglas that were staying at the Excelsior. You mustnt tell Hester were staying at the Garibaldi, and above all, you must not tell Carolyn anything at all, got that? Arthur: No. Martin: Okay, here we are. We might just be able to pull this off. Crowd: [singing] King of the Britons, as it was written, so it shall beeee! Martin: Arthur, you promised me you didnt tell anyone where she was staying! Arthur: I didnt! Honestly, I didnt! Martin: You must have done! Oh, god, do you think shes seen? [phone ringing] Martin: Hello? Hester: What have you done?! Arthur: [answering Martin] Yes, I do. Martin: Ah, Hester! I was just Hester: Dont Hester me, you ridiculous incompetent little man. Just explain to me how it is that No actually, dont explain. Martin: But

Hester: I dont want to hear any more of your stuttering and toadying, I just want you to make them all GO AWAY! Douglas: Well, shes no Norman Pace, is she? Martin: Douglas, what are you doing here? Douglas: Oh, I saw you beetling off and I just had a hunch this might be an interesting place to come and have a drink. The horde of knights is an unexpected bonus. Martin: What am I gonna do? Douglas: About what in particular? Martin: About everything! Douglas: Ah, everything in particular? Well, as I see it, your problems are a vastly expensive nonrefundable state room suite, a hotel lobbys worth of gormless fans, and a furious actress. Martin: Yes! Douglas: And your assets are a dozen black shirts. Martin: What? Douglas: Well, the answers obvious, surely. Martin: Not to me. Douglas: Ah, interesting, because it is to me. So, suppose I were to sort all this out for you and suppose once it was sorted out there was still a nice Excelsior hotel room left over. Martin: Yes, yes, you can have it! Douglas: Excellent. [to crowd] Attention, oh spotty knights! I have a proposition for you. Am I right in thinking that you are here lying in wait like grubby leopards for Hester Macaulay? Crowd: Yes! Douglas: Well, as the more astute or the least un-astute of you will have noticed, shes not coming down until you go away. Fan 1: Well, were not going away until she comes down! Douglas: What a delicious metaphysical conundrum. And one to which, luckily, I have the answer. I can arrange for twelve of you to not only meet Ms Macaulay but to actually shake her hand after first washing your own sixteen or seventeen times, on condition that the rest of you immediately go a really, really long way away. Fan 2: How do we pick which twelve? Fan 3: Well, we could cut cards for it. Douglas: Oh, come, come! What sort of opportunity does that give you to demonstrate your strange, unsettling devotion? Fan 4: You mean you want us to fight for it? Douglas: No, no, no! I want you to bid for it! Do I hear, for instance, five hundred euros? Crowd: [excited bidding] Douglas: It seems I do. [elevator dinging]

Douglas: After you, Ms Macaulay. [doors closing] Douglas: Ms Macaulay, on behalf of us all at MJN Air, allow me to say how sorry we are for all the trouble and inconvenience youve suffered. Hester: Well so you bloody well should be. Douglas: Indeed we bloody well should be, and so we bloody well are. Firstly, let me assure you that the medieval contingent have now been entirely vanquished. And furthermore, in recompense for your suffering, I have been authorized to secure for you perhaps the most luxurious accommodation in Italy not already bagsied by the Pope. Behold [elevator dings] your state rooms! Hester: How did you time your speech so that it ended precisely on the ding? Douglas: I rode up and down the lift a few times practicing. Hester: Well, its a nice room. Douglas: It is a nice room, and beyond lies an even nicer room, which leads into a frankly astonishing room, and beyond that an airing cupboard, which, I admit, is an anticlimax. Hester: This is certainly more how I expect to be treated. Douglas: Well of course it is. And not only that, but we have paid for the hotel to lay on a team of staff who will be exclusively dedicated to looking after you during your stay. Allow me to introduce your butler. Butler: [stammering excitedly] Douglas: Sadly, none of them can speak any English. Hester: Pleased to meet you. Butler: [excited noises] Douglas: Then this is your under-butler, your under-under-butler, and your under-butler-butler. And this is your chef, your wine waiter, your pastry cook, and your puddingsmith. Hester: Pleased to meet you. Puddingsmith: [awkwardly] Pleased to meet you Hester: Are you alright? Douglas: Thats Cremonese dialect for The pleasures ours. Finally, your laundry man, your knife and boots boy, the man whose job it is to fold the end of your loo roll into a v-shape, and your stable lad. Hester: Why on earth would I want a stable lad? Douglas: Dont you? Umberto, youre fired. Umberto: Aww. Hester: Isnt there a maid of some sort? Douglas: Oh, yes, of course! Umberto, youre rehired. Umberto: Woo-hoo! Douglas: Now, all of you, get out. [grumbling] Hester: Curious uniform they have.

Douglas: Yes, I rather like it. Hester: If I was an Italian hotel manager, I wouldnt give my staff black shirts. Douglas: Ah, but thats the beauty of it. Gives them an exciting ninja look, dont you feel? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Douglas: Its perfectly simple. Hester stays in your state rooms, paid for by the proceeds of the handshake auction. I stay in Hesters old room here, you stay in my old room at the Garibaldi. Arthur: And me? Douglas: Also in my room at the Garibaldi. Arthur: Brilliant! Bagsy I get the floor. Martin: Why would you want the floor? Arthur: Are you joking? I sleep in a bed every night! Oh, theres mum! Douglas: Carolyn? I thought she was flying home. Martin: Not till tonight. She was very keen to take us for dinner here first; God knows why. Carolyn, hello! Carolyn: Martin, what is going on? Martin: Nothing, nothing! Everythings fine! Hesters happy, the accommodation budgets balanced everything is absolutely fine! Carolyn: Where are all the fans? Martin: Oh, you heard about that, did you? Yes, well, we did have a momentary glitch with some enthusiasts, but dont worry, we sent them all away. Carolyn: You sent them away?! Why on earth did you send them away?! They were my revenge! Martin: What? Carolyn: Yes! Why else do you think I told them where she was staying? Martin: You told them? Carolyn: Of course I told them. As soon as the studio paid up. No one calls me dearie and gets away with it. And then I specifically booked this table for us to survey the mayhem. Douglas, didnt you explain this to him? Douglas: I Martin: Douglas explain it?! Carolyn: Yes, it was his idea in the first place! Martin: Douglas! Douglas: Mixed nut? [credits]

SEASON 1 EPISODE 4: Douz

[bing bong] Martin: Good afternoon, this is your captain speaking, just to say there is absolutely nothing to worry about. [bing bong]

Martin: Hello, Captain Crieff here again. Still no need to panic. I repeat, there is no need to panic. Or to look out of the windows. Everythings fine. [bing bong] Martin: Actually, I wasnt being entirely straight with you just now. You see, its this damnable sleeping sickness of mine. [yawning] Normally I control it with a mysterious stimulant from South America, but blast it, my supplys run out. Im afraid our only hope now is if, by some chance, someone on board knows how to prepare this stimulant and could Carolyn: Yes, we get the message. Arthur, take Martin his coffee. [credits] Arthur: Here you are, Skipper. Wow, is that the Sahara?! Douglas: The vast, sandy thing on the ground? Thats the chap, yes. Arthur: Wow! Its brilliant! Douglas: Always at hand with the mot juste, arent you, Arthur? Yes, the Sahara Desert is brilliant. Just as the Niagara Falls were brilliant, the Northern Lights were brilliant, and that chap from RyanAir burping the theme to The Muppets was really brilliant. Arthur: Come on, that was brilliant! Wow, camels! Douglas: And how would you describe them, in a word? Arthur: Brilliant! Douglas: Thought so. Arthur: What are they all doing there? Douglas: Filling up! Douz is the last town in Tunisia before the desert. Its like a big camel petrol station. Martin: Ha! What would you know about petrol stations? Douglas: Ive seen them. I drive past them. Sometimes I stop for a Kit Kat. Arthur: What, doesnt your car need petrol, Douglas? Martin: No, Douglass car does not need petrol. Arthur: Wow! Well, maybe I should get one Douglas: Yes, Arthur, you keep lumbering on after the uptake. Its sure to tire eventually. What Martins getting at and this isnt for your mothers ears is, you know how we have to run off a couple of litres of fuel before every trip to check for water droplets? Well, theres nothing in the book to say where you have to run it off to. Martin: I think theres a general understanding that they didnt mean into the tank of the First Officers Lexus. Douglas: Then they should have said so; Im not a mind reader! Arthur: You can run a car on aviation fuel? Douglas: Oh, yes! Its a bit like giving a bunny rabbit cheetah food, but it doesnt half make it go, as I imagine it would do the bunny rabbit. Douz Tower: Golf Tango India, good evening. Youre cleared to land at your discretion on 2-7. Wind is 200 at 25. Douglas: Roger. [disconnecting] Ooh, breezy.

Martin: You still happy to take the landing, or shall I? Douglas: Oh, I suspect Ill muddle through, Martin. I was doing my log book the other day and I noticed that this happens to be my 2000th landing. Arthur: Oh, wow! Is that true? Thats amazing! Douglas: Oh, not brilliant? Im crushed. Martin: No, its not true, Arthur. Its just another transparent attempt to remind me what a mighty sky god he is. Douglas: Of course its true! Why would you doubt it? Martin: Well, my suspicions were first aroused by the use of the phrase I was doing my log book. The last time you did your log book, you couldve had it signed off by Douglas Bader. Douglas: Dont listen to him, Arthur. Two thousand landings, precisely. Arthur: Wow. And how many takeoffs? Douglas: Oh, nothing like as many. Arthur: Right. Martin: Mmm, because of course takeoffs are cancelled all the time. Landings, almost never. Douglas: Thats right. Arthur: Oh yes, of course. [beeping] Martin: Oh, hang on, weve lost one of the hydro systems. Douglas: Possibly. The thing about GERTI, though, bless her, is she is rather the aeroplane who cries wolf. I particularly enjoyed her last ground proximity warning; the one when we were on the ground. Martin: The contents have fallen to zero, standby pump two on, check pressure Pressures falling; no, we really have lost number one hydraulic system. Douglas: Ooh, what fun! Martin: Right, uh right, right. Um, number one hydraulic system lost. Uh no special procedures. Note: lack of rudder will reduce max crosswind limit to 25 knots. Douglas: Wont it just?! Arthur, break the emergency glass, I require myBiggles hat. Martin: Douglas, this is serious. Douglas: Douz tower, this is Golf Tango India, weve lost our number one hydraulic system. No operational effects, we continue to make our approach. Tower: Roger that, Golf Tango India. Well have the fire truck on standby. Douglas: Youre quite the little ray of sunshine, arent you, tower? [bing bong] Douglas: Hello, Carolyn. This is the pointy end. Just to let you know, Ill be landing today without number one hydro. Carolyn: What?! Why?! Douglas: Oh, I dont know, just to see if I can! Alright everyone, hang on, were going in!

Martin: I have control. Douglas: What? Martin: I have control. I have control; control, I have it! Douglas: Martin, you gave me this sector, and Im well within my limits Martin: I know, I know, Im sorry, but we cant be too careful. Douglas: Too careful?! Martin: I have control. Douglas: How do you mean too careful?! Martin: Douglas, I have control! Douglas: You have control. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Martin: And shut-down checks complete. Douglas: Well done, Captain. Carolyn: Good lord, Douglas. You made a right old meal of that, didnt you? Douglas: Not really. Carolyn: What?! You did two go-arounds, then you finally slammed it onto the ground like you were trying to wipe out the dinosaurs. Douglas: Oh, Im not denying a right old meal was made of it, but I was not thechef du jour. Captain Crieff kindly took control. Carolyn: What? Martin landed it?! With a hydro failure in a crosswind? Martin, you get flustered trying to parallel park! Why on earth would you take control? Martin: Im the senior pilot on board, Carolyn. Carolyn: Yes, but Douglas is the better pilot on board. You do see how better trumps senior, dont you? Martin: And for your information, a firm landing is generally the safest. Carolyn: If that landing had been any safer, it would have killed us. Douglas: You know what they say: a good landings any landing you can walk away from. A great landing is one where they can reuse the plane. Arthur: Mum, I was just taking a look outside, and, um, the company who sub-contracted to us, are they called Panda Charters? Carolyn: Yes, why? Arthur: And theyre hiring us because they had a tech failure? Carolyn: Yes, why? Arthur: Look over there. Looks like quite a big tech failure. Carolyn: Good lord. Douglas: That is a very broken plane.

Arthur: Do they have hyenas in the Sahara? Martin: Not big enough to attack 737s, but I take your point. Carolyn: Well, lets turn this round as quickly as possible. Ill be back in an hour, and watch out for anyone trying to steal our engines. Douglas: Have no fear; Martin will be in control throughout. [door opening] Carolyn: [gasping] Arthur: You alright, mum? Carolyn: Gosh, its hot! Douglas: Ah, Sahara not only brilliant, but hot! I see where Arthur gets his way with words. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Martin: So theyre officially the national cricket team? Douglas: Apparently, of Scotland. Martin: Didnt think Scots played cricket. Douglas: It seems at least eleven of them do. Martin: And the Scotland-Tunisia cricket match, is that a regular thing? Douglas: A hotly contested Hiberno-African derby, Ive no doubt. [camera beeping, shutter clicking] Martin: What are you doing now, Arthur? Arthur: Oh, nothing. You two carry on. Act natural. Douglas: Why are you taking our pictures? Arthur: Mums reprinting our company brochure, and she says I can have a go at taking the picture for the cover. Douglas: Oh dear, does that mean were losing the current one? Martin: The one with Carolyn strangling a customer? Douglas: I always thought that summed up MJN Air rather well. Arthur: Shes adjusting his pillow. But yeah, it does look a bit strangly. [knocking, door opening] Douglas: Hello? Habib: Hello, Captain. Compliments of the airfield manager, and would you please be able to settle the bill? Martin: Yeah, actually, Im the captain. Hello? The one in the captains seat, wearing the captains hat? Habib: Sorry, Captain. Compliments of the Martin: Yes, alright, give it here. Yes, fine, fine. Whats this? Habib: Fire truck.

Martin: Yes, I can read what it says. What does it mean? [camera beeping, shutter clicking] Douglas: Really, Arthur? The front page of MJNs brochure: our gallant captain quibbles over a bill? Martin: Im not quibbling, Douglas. It says three hundred dollars here for a fire truck. Habib: I dont know, its not usual. Douglas: Oh really? You know, Martin, these little airfields do rather try things on sometimes if they suspect youre not Martin: What, not what? Douglas: Oh, nothing. Habib: Would you like to speak to the airfield manager, sir? Martin: Yes, yes I would. Ill show him whether or not Im that. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [knocking] Juteau: Entrez. [door opening] Ah, you have. Martin: Hello, are you the airfield manager? Juteau: I am, yes. Yves Juteau at your service. You must be the captain. Martin: No, actually, Im the Oh, yes. Martin Crieff. Juteau: Im delighted to meet you. Martin: Are you French? Juteau: Ah! My cover is blown. Originally, yes. Youre not the only ones who used to have an empire. Now, will you take caf? Martin: No, I dont want coffee. Juteau: Oh, then coffee you shall not have. So, how can I help you? Martin: Its this bill. Juteau: Yes? Martin: Well firstly, youre charging us for three hours on stand. Weve only been here, what, one hour fiftyfour. Juteau: I regret we charge per hour, or per part of per hour. Martin: Thats still only two hours. Juteau: You are expecting to leave within the next six minutes? Youd better, if I may attempt an idiom, get your skates on. But yes, by all means, between friends, let us call it two. Martin: Thank you. Now, this weather report. Eighty dollars? Juteau: Yes? Martin: Its a very glossy folder. Juteau: Thank you.

Martin: Containing one sheet of A4 printed off from Google weather maps. Juteau: You would prefer two sheets? Martin: Which says its going to be hot. Juteau: It is going to be hot. Martin: Do you really think thats information worth eighty dollars? Juteau: Without it you cannot take off, so I would say so. Anything else? Martin: Yes, actually, fire truck. Juteau: Yes? Martin: What do you mean, fire truck? Juteau: I can find no words that describe a fire truck better than fire truck. Martin: But why are we paying for it? Juteau: Because you called it up. You radioed you were landing with a hydraulics failure. We mobilized the fire truck. Martin: We dont pay for that! Juteau: Then who pays for that? Martin: Nobody pays for that, it just happens! Juteau: I dont know what your fire trucks do, Captain, but our fire trucks do not just happen. Martin: I suppose you think Ill believe anything, do you? Juteau: I am sure you will believe almost nothing. However, if you pass me the bill, I will send you an amended one. Martin: Youre taking off the fire truck? Juteau: No, Im taking off the third hour. The fire truck remains. Martin: Right, well, Ive made my point, anyway. Juteau: Youve made it. I have disagreed with it. Im going to do nothing about it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [cricketers singing] Carolyn: Gentlemen, gentlemen! I dont mind the singing, but if you could possibly all keep to the inside of the minibus, that would be super. Thank you! [to pilot] Theyre a very spirited bunch, arent they? I was expecting the Scottish cricket team to have a certain dour quality. Pilot: Well, you cant blame them. Theyre just delighted to be getting home. We all are. Really, on behalf of my crew, I cant thank you enough. We are so, so grateful. Carolyn: Oh! Thank you, but really, really theres no need. Pilot: Oh but there is! I mean, we cant get over it. Its so public-spirited of you! So generous! [bus stopping suddenly] Carolyn: What? How do mean, generous? Whats generous?

Pilot: Well, to come and rescue us like this. Carolyn: Well its my job, isnt it? I mean, Im getting paid. Pilot: Oh really? Who by? Carolyn: What? By your firm. Panda Charters. Pilot: Um, no. I dont think so. I mean, they went bust, you know. You did know that, didnt you? Carolyn: No, I did not. They omitted to mention it. Pilot: Thats why were here. The airport manager wouldnt let us leave without paying our bill. Incidentally, dont cross him, whatever you do. Hes a right bastard. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [door opening] Douglas: Ah, Martin. How did you get on? Martin: Ah, yes, pretty well. Theyre just sending out the new amended lowerbill now. Douglas: Gosh, well done. Martin: Its nothing, really, just a matter of showing them whos in control. Hes a nice enough fellow, really hes just one of those little men whove got a little job and so have to spend the whole time proving theyre just as good as anyone else, you know the type. Douglas: It rings a faint bell. [door opening] Carolyn: Right, come on then, lets get out of this hell hole! [camera beeping, shutter clicking] Carolyn: ARTHUR WILL YOU PUT THAT DAMN THING AWAY BEFORE I MAKE YOU EAT IT?! Arthur: Sorry, mum. Douglas: Everything tickety-boo, Carolyn? Carolyn: No, its not. Were doing this whole damn trip for free! Panda Charters went bust! Thats why their plane looks like that! The airfield manager stripped it of parts in lieu of payment. Douglas: Goodness, thats hardcore. Habib: Excuse me, Monsieur Juteaus compliments, and the revised bill. Martin: Right. Ah-ha! Two hours! See, not so hardcore as all that. Not when stood up to. Douglas: And the fire truck? Martin: Doesnt matter about the fire truck. Carolyn: What about the fire truck? Martin: Nothing, doesnt matter. Right, do you have a card reader or? Douglas: Whats this? Safety infringement penalty, six hundred dollars? Martin: What?! Habib: Yes, the manager anticipated you might like to talk to him about that. He is on the radio.

[beeping] Martin: Safety infringement? What safety infringement? Juteau: Ah, good afternoon, Captain Crieff. I hope you are enjoying your free hour. Martin: Never mind about that; whats this about a safety infringement? Juteau: Certainly there was a small one. Martin: What? It wasnt there on the last bill. Juteau: Indeed not. But, when you did me the honor of visiting my office to complain about the last bill, you crossed the apron, did you not? Martin: Yes. Juteau: And were you wearing the regulation yellow reflective safety vest? Martin: I Juteau: Voil. Martin: But its a deserted airfield, in the middle of the day, in the Tunisian sunshine! Juteau: Nevertheless, it is wise to be in good habits. Martin: Well, were not paying for it. Juteau: Ah! Then we have a problem. Martin: Yes, we do. Carolyn: No, we dont. Martin: Carolyn, Im dealing with this! Its under control! Carolyn: Shut up, Martin. Were already thousands of pounds down on this trip. All I want to do is get home. Monsieur Juteau, hello! So sorry about the misunderstanding. Yes, of course well pay the bill. Juteau: Well, if youll just give your credit card to Habib there Martin: Well, well done, monsieur. Its a good week for you, isnt it? Bankrupted these guys, fleeced us, I hope you feel really big now! Juteau: These guys? The gentlemen from Panda Charter? They are with you? Martin: Yes they are, poor sods, because you wrecked their business and pulled their plane to shreds! Carolyn: Martin, thats enough! Martin: Hello? Are you listening to me?! Juteau: Im sorry, I was just arranging something. Carolyn: Hello? The payments gone through. Juteau: Ah, excellent. Thank you. Regrettably, though, as you are carrying Panda Charters crew and passengers, I must hold you responsible for their debts. Im afraid you may not leave until they are paid off. Martin: Ah, now come on! Carolyn: How much? Juteau: Twelve thousand three hundred and six dollars. But let us call it twelve thousand.

Martin: Yes, well, nice try, but thats entirely illegal. Juteau: Thats debatable. Martin: Unfortunately we dont have time to debate it, must be off now, see you in court, maybe! Juteau: Of course, what is not debatable, is whether it is illegal or not to take off without clearance from air traffic control. It definitely is. Martin: Whos going to stop us? Juteau: No one is going to stop you, but when you get home, your national authorities, whom I would notify, would immediately suspend your operators license. Also, I was playing for time. I am going to stop you, by parking the fire truck across your nose. Although, on the up side, this time I will not charge you for mobilizing it. [door opening] Arthur: Chaps, I was just taking a look outside, and Martin, Douglas, and Carolyn: Yes, we know! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Passenger: Hey, hey pal! Arthur: Uh, yes sir, how can myself be of assistance to yourself? Passenger: Eh? When we gettin this thing moving? Arthur: Ah, I do regret to inform yourselves that the delay thats going on currently is still currently ongoing. But we will keep you fully informed as to the development of any developments as they develop. Passenger: Eh? Passenger 2: Well, how about breaking out the drinks trolley? Passenger: Aye, nice one. Arthur: Unfortunately, no drink service is scheduled at this time due to technical difficulties. We do apologize for any inconvenience. [passengers groaning] Passenger: What technical difficulties stop you giving out drinks? Arthur: Mums locked the cupboard. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Carolyn: Alright, Ive had a look. As well as the fire truck, hes put a tractor behind us and a baggage truck on each side. Douglas: Okay, so we cant go backwards or sideways Martin: Explain to me how we were planning to go sideways. Douglas: Alright, then, Captain, Ill just sit back and watch you masterfully sort it out, shall I? Carolyn: I dont have time for your stupid squabbles. This is serious. Martin: Yes, yes, youre right. We can find a way out of this; the most important thing is to keep cool. [ air conditioning switching off] What was that?

Douglas: That was the air conditioning dying, Captain. But, carry on, you were just telling us about the most important thing. Martin: Why, why? I mean, why, why?! Douglas: Four excellent questions. And the answer to all four is, because weve run out of fuel. Martin: What? We cant have done. I mean, weve just refueled. [banging] Passenger: [shouting] Hey! Whats happened to the air conditioning? [beeping] Carolyn: Monsieur Juteau? Juteau: Good afternoon. Carolyn: We seem to find ourselves a little light on fuel. You wouldnt know anything about that, would you? Juteau: Yes, we have retrieved our fuel from your aircraft in lieu of payment. Carolyn: Monsieur, without fuel, our air conditioning unit will not work. Juteau: Oh, dear me. What an unintended consequence. May I suggest, then, that you work fast to resolve the situation? The temperature is currently 35 degrees; thats in the shade, not in a metal tube in direct sunlight. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Martin: Alright, alright, Carolyn, Ive been looking at the chart; theres an airstrip at Kebili, only about 20 miles away. If we could just get as far as there, we could refuel properly. Carolyn: Well, thats great, problem solved! All we need now is enough fuel to get there, our enemy to give us takeoff clearance, and for that fire truck to disappear. Simple. [passengers shouting] Arthur: Ill tell them, o ow! The passengers have a few requests. Carolyn: What? Arthur: Um, well, more beer. They were very clear about that. Look, to make sure I remembered, they wrote it on me. Martin: Yes, so they did. Arthur: Yeah, so beer, definitely. Um, water some of them are keen on. Uh, and, an umpire. Martin: An umpire? Arthur: Yes. Martin: Why do they need an [bat hitting ball, cheering] Arthur: Ah, theyve started without. Carolyn: Alright! Arthur: Mum! Mum, you cant go in there. Carolyn: Why not?

Arthur: Theyre in their swimming trunks. Carolyn: In their swimming trunks? Arthur: Yes, its gotten really hot in there. And in here. I mean, its just hot generally. I think its because were so near the Sahara Desert. Carolyn: Yes, alright. Very well. Martin, you and Do Where is Douglas anyway? [bat hitting ball, glass breaking, shouting] Douglas: Howzat?! [bing bong] Carolyn: Douglas, I wish to have a little word under the wing. Now! [passengers ooohing] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Douglas: Carolyn, what can I do for you? Carolyn: What are we going to do? Douglas: I dont know; what are we going to do? Carolyn: No, seriously, what are we going to do? Douglas: I really dont know. Carolyn: Of course you know! Douglas: Youve slightly lost me. Carolyn: You always know; youve always got some sort of trick or loophole or you know someone who knows someone. What is it this time? Douglas: No, really, this time Im stumped. But, dont you worry, Martins in control. Ill have no doubt hell come up with something. Carolyn: I thought so. This is all because Martin took the landing off you, isnt it? So now youre not going to help. Douglas: Martin needs no help from the humble likes of I. Martin is Carolyn: Oh, stop it! Just stop it, will you? I need you to get us out of this. This is serious! Douglas: No, it isnt! As it happens, I dont even have the answer. I mean, the fire trucks easy enough, but not the rest of it. But in any case, we both know that if you really want to get away, you can. Carolyn: How? Douglas: By swallowing your pride and paying the man! Carolyn: What with? Douglas: With a little tiny bit of all your money. Carolyn: I dont have any money. Douglas: Oh, dont be ridiculous! Ive seen your house; Ive seen your car; I am currently standing underneath your aeroplane.

Carolyn: I had money. Eight years ago, I had money, after the divorce. More money than I knew what to do with. And, as you say, an aeroplane. More aeroplane than I knew what to do with. But, then I started to run an air charter business. Now, I have three mortgages on the house. I have to keep the car because I have to have something smart to pick clients up in, and I have to keep the plane because, well, the minimum number of planes for a viable airline is one. But I dont have any money. Why do you think Im always going on at you two for how much you spend? Do you think I enjoy it? Douglas: Well, yes. Carolyn: Yes, well, alright, I do a bit. But also, literally every trip we do has the potential to bankrupt the company. And this one could bankrupt me. Douglas: Gosh. I had no idea. Carolyn: No, well. Douglas: But, if youve been losing all this money, why have you kept on doing it all these years? Carolyn: Because, I am the Chief Executive Officer of MJN Air. Its a good thing to be. Its better than [sighing] a little old lady. Douglas: I see. Carolyn: So, will you please return to the aircraft, put on the rest of your clothes, sit down nicely with Martin, and think of something? Douglas: Right you are. Carolyn: Oh, and Douglas? Your solution to the fire truck? Youre not thinking set fire to the managers office so it has to move, are you? Douglas: I wasnt, no, but I am now! Are you up for that? Carolyn: No! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Martin: Douglas, thats thats a terrific idea! Would it work? Douglas: It worked when old GW and I did it with that snow plow inVancouver, but I dont really see how it helps us, Im afraid. We still wont have any fuel, and we still wont have clearance for takeoff. Arthur: Could we go and get fuel in jerry cans and bring it back here? Douglas: If we had about eight years, yes. Arthur: We cant steal back the fuel he took off us Douglas: Im sure hes locked it away somewhere. Martin: Besides, it no longer meets the quality criteria. Douglas: Martin, that really doesnt matter. I think we can give ourselves a license to bend the rules just a tiny bit in this situation. Martin: [laughing] Like you need an excuse. The man who hasnt bought a gallon of petrol since oh! Douglas: What? Martin: Well, just a thought. If you can feed a rabbit on a tiny bit of cheetah food, can you feed a cheetah on lots of rabbit food? Douglas: Oh, you mean Martin: What do you think?

Douglas: Yes, I like it! Arthur: [conspiratorially] Yeah, that might just work. Martin: What might? Arthur: I dont know. I just like talking like this. Douglas: Its a great idea, Martin, but itll only give us a couple of dozen litres at most. We couldnt even fly the twenty miles to Kebili on that, even if we had clearance. Arthur: Could we just drive there? Martin: No! Arthur: Sorry, Skip. Martin: Sorry, Arthur, I know youre trying to help, but no, we cant just taxi our plane out onto the main road and drive it twenty miles to Kebili. Douglas: Why cant we? Martin: What? Douglas: The deserted main road, straight road, through the desert Martin: No, we couldnt! Could we? Douglas: Arthur, do you know what you are, in a word? Arthur: [sadly] Yeah Douglas: Brilliant! Arthur: [happily] Oh! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [door opening, passengers cheering] Douglas: Alright, boys. Martin and I have done the sneaky bit, and I dont think anyone saw. Now, the less sneaky bit, which people will see. So its all about speed: we get out, we do it, we get back in. Understand? [passengers cheering] Douglas: Are you ready? [passengers shouting] Douglas: Then, onwards, for England, Harry, and Saint George! [passengers booing] Douglas: Sorry, sorry, sorry. For Scotland, cricket, and Saint Wisden! [passengers cheering] Douglas: Places, places! Okay, remember, bend from the knees, not from the back, and three, two, one, lift! [passengers grunting] Douglas: Yes, its coming, its coming! Yes! And carry, carry, bit more! Nearly there, nearly there! And, drop! [crashing]

Juteau: Hey! Hey! Douglas: Back on the plane, back on the plane! Go, go, go, go! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Martin: Engine bleeds on, auxiliary power off Douglas: Martin, we dont have time for the checks. Juteau: [on radio] Golf Tango India, what do you think youre doing? Douglas: Hello there Douz tower, sorry about this. Love to stay, but weve just remembered a pressing engagement. Juteau: You cannot take off. You are forbidden from taking off! Martin: Duly noted. Im afraid your little fire truck was slightly in our way. Hope you dont mind us moving it. Juteau: And how far do you think youll get with no fuel? Carolyn: No fuel? Martin: Whatever gave you that idea? Carolyn: Weve got fuel. Juteau: How? Martin: Lets just say next time you want to starve an aircraft of fuel, dont surround it with four petrol-driven vehicles. Juteau: You stole the petrol from my trucks?! Douglas: As the voice recorder in this flight deck will forever record for posterity, absolutely not. Wouldnt it have been clever if we had, though? Juteau: It doesnt matter. You do not have clearance, repeat, do not have clearance to take off! Douglas: Take off? Martin: Who said anything about taking off? Carolyn: Wouldnt dream of it! Against the law, you know. Douglas: Plus, weve nothing like enough fuel to get us there, in the air Martin: On the ground, though Carolyn: Taxiing down the long, straight, deserted highway to Kebili Douglas: We should be fine! Martin: Right hand down a bit, number one, and be sure to indicate when joining the road. Douglas: Right hand down a bit it is, Captain. Juteau: You cant take that on the road! Its its against the law! Douglas: Is it? Im not sure it is. What do you think, Carolyn? Carolyn: It might be. Not very well up on the Tunisian Highway Code. Douglas: Well, Ill tell you what, Yves old chum, if you can get the Sahara Desert traffic police mobilized in the next forty minutes or so, I suppose well find out. Bye!

[beeping] Martin: Do they drive on the left or the right in Tunisia? Douglas: I think when theyre driving on an empty highway through the desert in an aeroplane, they probably drive pretty much wherever the hell they like. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [passengers singing and cheering] Douglas: Two miles to go, Martin. Martin: Thank you, Douglas. Douglas: Do you want me to drive for a bit, darling? Martin: No thanks, dear. You know I get carsick in the passenger seat. Are they ready for us in Kebili? Douglas: They are. [door opening] Martin: Arthur! Arthur: [slurring] Today has been the most fun Ive ever had in my life! Douglas: Good! Arthur, is it possible youve had a little drink? Arthur: I have had a little drink. Oh, and look, I think I found the photo for the brochure! Douglas: Oh yes? Lets see. Ah Martin? Martin: Hmm, striking. Douglas: So, Arthur, in your quest to find the one image which perfectly sums up MJN Air and everything it stands for, youve elected for a shot of twelve Scottish cricketers in the Sahara Desert wearing swimsuits and carrying a fire engine. Arthur: Yes. Douglas: Hmm. The awful thing is, I sort of know what you mean. [credits]

SEASON 1 EPISODE 5: Edinburgh

[bing bong] MARTIN: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Apologies to those of you who have been watching the in-flight entertainment this evening. Unfortunately a mechanical fault seems to have developed and Im afraid we will not be able to bring you the last half hour of our feature presentation. However, as luck would have it, I happened to see this film a couple of days ago; and Im happy to tell you that the bald guy was in the pay of the mob all along; and that that woman from The West Wing shot Bill Paxton, but they caught her in the end. I hope that helps. [credits] CAROLYN: And lastly, your roster for the next two weeks. On the eighteenth, youre going to Oslo to pick up a CFO ARTHUR: Wow! What, for government scientists to study? CAROLYN: A CFO, Arthur, not UFO. Then nothing til the twenty-fourth when, Im afraid, youre taking a stag do to Rome. [Martin and Douglas groaning] CAROLYN: Yes, I know, I know. They bring us three millennia of art, culture and architecture; we bring them thirteen City boys to throw up on it. It is heart-breaking. ARTHUR: Where did you go for your stag night, Douglas?

DOUGLAS: Which one? MARTIN: Any of them. DOUGLAS: Oh, the first one was the best. Soho, 1977, with my brother, Jeffrey Bernard, Peter Cook, and a Kink. CAROLYN: Whats a kink? DOUGLAS: One of The Kinks. MARTIN: Which one? DOUGLAS: Oh, I know nothing about pop music. Whichever one it is that can fit three golf balls in his mouth. MARTIN: Hmm! CAROLYN: Anyway after Rome, a little treat, because guess whats happening on the twenty-eighth? DOUGLAS: Ah! The Six Nations final! ARTHUR: Birling Day! CAROLYN: Indeed it is. DOUGLAS: Yes! MARTIN: What? CAROLYN: Ah. Of course. You hadnt joined us by last Birling Day, had you? MARTIN: Whats Birling Day? DOUGLAS: Mr. Birling is a retired gentleman who lives in an enormous house in Sussex with his enormous pile of money and his enormous wife; and his big treat is that once a year, he hires us to take him to the Six Nations rugby final, wherever it is Where is it this year, Carolyn? CAROLYN: Edinburgh. DOUGLAS: where he proceeds to get heroically sloshed and spends the rest of the year sleeping it off. MARTIN: Right. So whats so special about that? DOUGLAS: Oh, no reason. Its just fun after a year of CFOs and stag dos to take a nice old boy out on a spree. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DOUGLAS: All right, Arthur, nearly there. MARTIN: Why do we all have to pick him up, anyway? DOUGLAS: Its just a little courtesy Mr. Birling likes, thats all. MARTIN: Ive never seen you like this with a client, Douglas. DOUGLAS: Ah, well, Mr. B is something special. Mr. BIRLING: My dear boys! My dear boys! Cometh the hour, cometh the men; the magnificent men in their flying machines, no less. ARTHUR: Hello, Mr. Birling! MR. BIRLING: Arthur, my dear boy! How are you? Now, I hope youve been brushing up on your rugby since we last met. ARTHUR: Oh yes! Ask me anything. MR. BIRLING: Who won the last Grand Slam? ARTHUR: France! MR. BIRLING: What colour do Italy play in? ARTHUR: Red. MR. BIRLING: How many points for a conversion? ARTHUR: Three. MR. BIRLING: Excellent; very good. ARTHUR: How many did I get right? MR. BIRLING: Not a single one, but werent you quick? ARTHUR: I was quick! MR. BIRLING: Like lightning, dear boy, absolute lightning. And a new face, I see. DOUGLAS: Mr. Birling, may I introduce Martin Crieff. MR. BIRLING: Hello there, my little man. Now, Crieff, Crieff. Any relation to Jolyon Crieff? MARTIN: I doubt it. MR. BIRLING: Ah, but one never knows, one never knows. MARTIN: One never does, but one can have a fairly strong hunch that no-one in ones family has ever been called Joly-on. MR. BIRLING: Well, youre quite right, of course. My chap was a Moncrieff like Algernon. [silence] MR. BIRLING: In Earnest. [silence] MR. BIRLING: Dyou know your Wilde, my boy? MARTIN: Im wild? In what sense?

MR. BIRLING: No, no, Oscar Wilde. Dear me, Douglas, you seem to have landed yourself a bit of a chump. MARTIN: I beg your pardon?! MR. BIRLING: Oh, granted, my little man, granted. No doubt youre a valued alumnus of the University of Life or possibly Exeter. MARTIN: What?! MR. BIRLING: Douglas, old man, I take it congratulations are in order final return to the captains seat of which you were such an ornament for so long. DOUGLAS: No, no. Still in the co-pilots seat. But still terribly ornamental! MR. BIRLING: Hmm. You dont mean that that this young mans the captain? MARTIN: Yes, thats right. Does that concern you? MR. BIRLING: Oh, not in the least. Im all for youth opportunities. I was just thinking what, er, an awful slap in the face it must be for Dougie here. DOUGLAS: Oh, no, not really. MR. BIRLING: Oh, but yes yes really. I mean, do you have to do everything he says? DOUGLAS: Well MR. BIRLING: And Arthur, my boy, are you still going around with that delightful girl with a squint? ARTHUR: Er, no. MR. BIRLING: Did she say she couldnt see you anymore? ARTHUR: Yeah, she did. MR. BIRLING: Yes. I have to admit I prepared that one in advance. I was dreading that you might still be together so I couldnt use it. ARTHUR: Well, were not. MR. BIRLING: Well, it wasnt a big risk, Ill admit. Just look at you. MR. BIRLING: Right, thats enough pleasantries, I think. Shall we go? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [door opening] ARTHUR: but now Ive got a new way of remembering, because Ireland wear green, cause shamrocks are green; Scotland wear blue, cause its cold in Scotland; England wear red cause the flags red, white and blue. DOUGLAS: England wear white. ARTHUR: Oh yeah: England wear white cause the flags red, white and blue; France DOUGLAS: Yes, jolly good. Er, Martin, Mr. Bs all settled and Ive got the weather for you. MARTIN: Never mind the weather. What was all that?! DOUGLAS: All what? MARTIN: That astonishing display of synchronised sycophancy. DOUGLAS: Oh, very good. Have you been working on that for a while? MARTIN [sighing]: You said he was a nice old boy. Hes a horrible old boy. ARTHUR: What, Mr. B? No! DOUGLAS: Its just his way, Martin a little harmless joshing. MARTIN: He called you a failed criminal, and Arthur a repulsive half-wit. ARTHUR: And you MARTIN: I know what he called me. Now how is that harmless joshing? DOUGLAS: Well, I think for someone from his background, its MARTIN [sighing]: Oh, I see. I know what this is. It doesnt matter how nasty he is, so long as he went to a jolly good public school, like you two. DOUGLAS: Oh, now, thats not fair at all! Arthur went to a ghastly public school. ARTHUR: Its true, I did. I mean, once, I was top in my year. Me! MARTIN: Well, for the duration of the trip, can we all please try to have a little professional dignity and not go all gooey just because a man in an embroidered waistcoat calls us dear boys? DOUGLAS: He didnt call you a dear boy; he called you a little man. ARTHUR: Martin, you dont understand, though DOUGLAS [interrupting]: He understands perfectly, Arthur. MARTIN: Hang on. Hang on. I know that tone of voice. What are you trying to stop Arthur from telling me? DOUGLAS: I wouldnt dream of trying MARTIN: Arthur? ARTHUR: Well, I was just gonna say: what about the tips?! MARTIN: Ohhhh, I see. DOUGLAS: Now, look MARTIN: Now it begins to make sense. Big tipper, is he? How nice! So he can treat you how he likes, so long as he pays you off at the end of it. How very dignified. DOUGLAS: Its not like that MARTIN: How much does he give you, then? Go on.

DOUGLAS: Its not its not a question of how mu MARTIN: Come on! DOUGLAS: Well, if you must know, last year he gave us five hundred pounds each. MARTIN: Oh. Very nice. ARTHUR: Yeah, but that was unusual DOUGLAS: True. That was because England won. We cant expect that to happen this year. ARTHUR: Oh. Arent England good any more? DOUGLAS: Not good enough to win a match between Wales and France, certainly. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MARTIN: All right, lets get [door opening] MARTIN: Oh, hello. DOUGLAS: Carolyn! A flight deck visit. What a nice surprise. CAROLYN: Really? Is it really such a surprise to see me on Birling Day? DOUGLAS: Perhaps not. CAROLYN: Perhaps indeed not. Open your flight bag. DOUGLAS: If you insist. MARTIN: Whats going on? DOUGLAS: Its a Birling Day tradition: a little contest Carolyn and I have, and that I win. CAROLYN: Its not a tradition or a contest: it is systematic theft. You see, Martin, Mr. Birling is partial to twenty-five year old Talisker single malt whiskey. DOUGLAS: As am I. CAROLYN: As is Douglas the difference being, of course, that Mr. Birling is a paying and valued customer, whilst Douglas is merely a sneaky thieving pilot. MARTIN: You drink his whiskey on the trip?! DOUGLAS: No, of course not! I steal his whiskey on the trip, and drink it later. CAROLYN: Well, not this time. Philip! Arthur! Come in here! [door opening] CAROLYN: You know Philip from the fire crew, dont you? DOUGLAS: Course. Good morning, Philip. PHILIP: Hello, Mr. Richardson. CAROLYN: Good. Philip, frisk him, properly. PHILIP: Sorry about this, Douglas. DOUGLAS: Quite all right. PHILIP: Er, what am I looking for? CAROLYN: Tubes, reservoirs, bottles strapped to his legs; anything that can hold liquid. Now, lets see what we have in your flight bag. Hip flask an obvious decoy. Still Ah. Water. Thought so. A shampoo bottle for coloured hair. Surely youre not tinting, Douglas? DOUGLAS: Oh! Does coloured mean dyed? I thought it just meant full of colour. CAROLYN: Yes, of course you did. Well, that seems to be shampoo and, whats this? Nail varnish? MARTIN: Nail varnish?! DOUGLAS: Well, go on, sniff it. It is nail varnish. CAROLYN: Yes. Yes, it is. What do you want nail varnish for? DOUGLAS: If you must know, I find it prevents cracking and splitting. MARTIN: Well! I had no idea you were such a pretty pilot, Douglas! DOUGLAS: Anyway, are you satisfied, Carolyn? CAROLYN: For now, yes; but let me tell you this, Fingers: on your return, Philip here will be once more frisking you with digits dexterous with practice and I shall be going through your flight bag with the very finest of tooth combs. And if any of these things have magically transformed from water, shampoo and nail varnish [Martin giggling] CAROLYN: into twenty-five year old Scotch, I shall know about it. Now then, Arthur. ARTHUR: Yes, Mum! CAROLYN: I have here thirteen little miniature bottles of Talisker. Guard them with your life. When its time to give Mr. Birling another whiskey, you take one of these and a fresh glass, you open it in front of him, listening for the crack of the seal breaking, like so. And you pour it out for him with one hand. ARTHUR: Why only one hand? CAROLYN: Because with the other hand you will be most likely fighting off theYogi Bear of the drinks trolley, First Officer Richardson. Here they are

CAROLYN: Oh. Except you cant give him this one. The seals been broken. Would, er, anybody like to try it? Oh! What am I thinking? Youre all about to go on duty. What a terrible shame. Oh, well, cheers. [pause] Oh! That is terribly good. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [bing bong] ARTHUR: Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to well, gentlemen well, gentle man well, Mr. Birling. Hello, Mr. Birling! MR. BIRLING: Hello, Arthur. ARTHUR: Ooh, hello! Er, anyway, welcome aboard. Erm, the captain has now at this time disilluminated the seat belt sign MR. BIRLING: Yes, I saw. ARTHUR: er, right, so you can, if you wish, avail yourself of the opportunity to disengage your seatbelt at this moment in time. MR. BIRLING: Never did it up in the first place. Im not a girl. ARTHUR: Right. [laughing] Actually, I like doing it like this. Its-its more like a chat, isnt it? MR. BIRLING: It is the snag being, of course, that the last thing I want from you is a chat, whereas the first thing I want is another whiskey. ARTHUR: Ah. Right-o! MR. BIRLING: Mmm! Yum-yum. Mmm. ARTHUR: Mr. B? What did you mean before when you said you werent surprised about Fliss and me breaking up? MR. BIRLING: Well, she was from a good family, wasnt she? ARTHUR: I liked them. MR. BIRLING: There you are, then. Even if she didnt get fed up with you which frankly she surely did doubtless her people put their foot down. ARTHUR: Why? MR. BIRLING: Well, for a start, youre twenty-eight, you have a ridiculous job and you still live with your mother. ARTHUR: Well, yeah, but not in the, Ooh, still lives with his mother way people are thinking when they laugh about it. I I just live with her because we get on really well, like friends, so why pay rent? MR. BIRLING: That is precisely what people are thinking when they laugh about it. ARTHUR: So you dont think anyone will want to be with me? MR. BIRLING: Well, Arthur, what it really boils down to is: Im bored of talking about this. Now, when do I get to visit the flight deck? ARTHUR: Ill-Ill go and see. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MARTIN (into radio): Lundy, good afternoon. This is Golf Echo Romeo Tango India, maintaining flight level two-five-zero, direct Pole Hill. LUNDY ATC: Roger, Golf Tango India, maintain two-five-zero [door opening] ARTHUR: Hello. Would you like your coffee yet? MARTIN: Arthur? Whats the matter? ARTHUR (sighing): Nothing. I just wondered if you wanted your coffee. DOUGLAS: And the thought reminded you of your cousin Vladimir who died in a coffee mine? ARTHUR (sadly): No, Im fine. Ill go and get it. Oh, and Mr. Birling was wondering if he can come up to the flight deck yet. DOUGLAS: Of course, of course! Send the old boy up. MARTIN: What? No! of course not! Whats got into you both? You know the law! ARTHUR: Yeah, but its Mr. Birling! He always visits. MARTIN: Oh, I see. I wasnt aware that the Air Navigation Order finished, quote, unless, of course, he went to the right school and is liable to tip you half a grand at the end of the flight, unquote. ARTHUR: Ah, but that was only because England won. MARTIN: Fine a hundred quid. So much the more reason not to disregard [door opening] MARTIN: What the ? MR. BIRLING: Hello! I got bored waiting, so I thought what Id do is just assume it would be fine. MARTIN: Well I-I-Im sorry, sir, but its not. CAA regulations and the UK law forbid any non crew member on the flight deck during the flight.

MR. BIRLING: Oh, nonsense. Sort this out, Douglas. DOUGLAS: Erm, Im very sorry, Mr. Birling. If the captain insists, theres nothing I can do. MR. BIRLING: Oh dear. I was right. It is humiliating. You must feel totally emasculated. Ooh! MARTIN: Sir, will you please return to your seat? MR. BIRLING: All right, all right. You mustnt expect much of a tip from me, though, Im afraid. DOUGLAS: Er, can I just emphasise: this is entirely the captains decision. MR. BIRLING: Yes, yes, I get the point, though the fact remains, Dougie: Im not enjoying myself. What shall we do about that? DOUGLAS: Well Now, how about if I came back with you, show you the flight plan, the charts, the weather maps? MR. BIRLING: Ah, yes. That might help. MARTIN: Or just get on your hands and knees and let him use you as a footstool. MR. BIRLING: Oh, and bring your hat. I like wearing your hat though its not as good as your captains hat. Well, I need hardly tell you that. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MARTIN: All right. Thank you. [hanging up phone] I do apologise, sir, but they assure me the limo is on its way and will be with us momentarily. MR. BIRLING: Well, I dont suppose it would be here momentarily. MARTIN: Im sure it will, sir. MR. BIRLING: No, I mean its not going to wink into existence beside us for a moment and then disappear, is it? MARTIN [sighing]: No. No its not. MR. BIRLING: And yet, curiously, if it did we would still be one up on our current situation. MARTIN: As I say, sir, I apologise. MR. BIRLING: Is that it? MARTIN: Yes. MR. BIRLING: Captain, the other two have explained to you, I hope, that Im rather a generous tipper. MARTIN: They did mention it, yes. MR. BIRLING: Hmm. but that the level of my tips depends entirely on the quality of the, um well, I was going to say customer service but lets be straight with one another the toadying I receive. MARTIN [sighing]: I gathered that, but Im afraid, sir, that I like to think of myself as not quite so easily bought. [car pulling up] MR. BIRLING: Ah, well, I see, I see. Then I shall see you after the match. Oh, and for the avoidance of doubt, it occurs to me that in a fairytale I would be so impressed by your failure to be bought, I would at the end of the trip give you an even bigger tip than anyone else. What you should know about me, though, is that I like being toadied to, and I pay people to do it, so you wont be getting a sausage! Cheerio! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [phone ringing] ARTHUR [sadly]: Hello; Arthur Shappey. CAROLYN: Hello, witless, its your mother. ARTHUR: Oh, hello, Mum. How are you? CAROLYN: Too busy to tell you. How is it going? Did you get there on time? Is Mr. Birling happy? ARTHUR [sadly]: Yeah, its all fine. Martins showing Mr. B to his limo; Douglas and I are gonna watch the match in the plane; Mr. Birling says Ill never find another girlfriend. CAROLYN: Oh. Well, Mr. Birling the seventy-something retiree from Sussex is, of course, one of the countrys foremost relationship experts ARTHUR [anguished]: Oh, no, is he? I didnt even know that! CAROLYN: but what he doesnt know that we know is the peculiar and unaccountable pull you have over bossy, Pony Club types with Alice bands and stupid names. ARTHUR: Yeah, I do have that, dont I? Like Minty and Libbit and Pobs! CAROLYN: Oh, no, please dont list them. Sounds like youre brainstorming names for a Labrador puppy. Look, where are you, anyway? You sound as if youre in a wind tunnel. ARTHUR: Oh, I just, er, popped onto the roof of the plane. CAROLYN: The roof?! What the hell are you doing up there?! ARTHUR: Well, the picture on the rugby went all funny, so Douglas said I should shin up onto the roof and twiddle the aerial only now Im here, I cant seem to find it. CAROLYN: Ohh, you idiot boy! This is Go and water the window boxes all over again, isnt it? ARTHUR: Ohhh! CAROLYN: Yes, Ohhh! Douglas is just trying to make a fool of you though one would have thought all the fish in that particular barrel had been shot long ago. Get down immediately, and make sure you dont break any of those miniatures.

ARTHUR: The miniatures? [trailing off] CAROLYN [angrily]: What? Arthur do not tell me that you left Douglas with the miniatures. ARTHUR: No, no! No, Ive got them here with me. Its all fine. CAROLYN: Then why did you start to say the miniatures, then? ARTHUR: I-I didnt. CAROLYN: You did. I heard you. ARTHUR: No! I was just singing to myself. CAROLYN: Singing? What were you singing? ARTHUR: (singing to the tune of Hey, Big Spender) The minute yer walked through the door boom boom ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [door opening] DOUGLAS: Oh, well done, Arthur, you did the trick. Look. ARTHUR: I didnt find the aerial. DOUGLAS: Oh? Well, you must have knocked it by accident or something. ARTHUR: I dont even think there is an aerial up there. DOUGLAS: Oh, all right. You got me. It was a bit of a joke. Still, nice to get some fresh air and exercise, eh? ARTHUR: Douglas, Mum was just wondering: while I was up there, you didnt steal the posh whiskey, did you? DOUGLAS: Arthur! Would I do a thing like that? ARTHUR: Youve done it on every single Birling Day so far. DOUGLAS: Well, not this one. Your mothers been too clever for me. Go and check. ARTHUR: Well, theyre all still here. DOUGLAS: Exactly. ARTHUR: And theyre full. But maybe youve swapped them for tea or something. DOUGLAS: Well, even if I did, how would I get it off the plane? But if youre worried, see if the seals broken. ARTHUR: How? DOUGLAS: Pick one at random. ARTHUR: Right. DOUGLAS: And open it up. DOUGLAS: There you are. Still virgo intacta. Well, not any more, of course. You cant serve him that one. Shall I take it off your hands? ARTHUR: No! DOUGLAS: Fine. Be like that. Now, come on: Wales are five points up. ARTHUR: Great! COMMENTATOR: And Gethin Jenkins picks it up he runs! He scores! DOUGLAS and ARTHUR: Yeah! [door opening] MARTIN: God. He is insufferable. DOUGLAS: What, old Mr. B? No, hes a nice old boy really. MARTIN: Douglas, Im really surprised at you. I didnt think it was your style to roll over and grovel just for a big tip. DOUGLAS: We cant all have your high moral standards, Martin. Yes!! Nice kicking, Cymru! MARTIN: Why are you cheering for Wales? You hate Wales! DOUGLAS: Oh, now, I wouldnt say that. MARTIN: You say that every time we fly to Cardiff often to the handling staff! I dread to think what they do to our cases. DOUGLAS: No, no! All one union, arent we? Gotta support anyone against the French. ARTHUR: Thats not why Im supporting them. DOUGLAS: Martin doesnt want to hear why MARTIN: Yes I do. Why, Arthur? ARTHUR: Well, imagine the size of the tip Mr. Birlingll give us if his side win. MARTIN: But England arent playing. ARTHUR: No. But Mr. Birlings Welsh. MARTIN: Hes not Welsh! How can he be Welsh?! Hes English! He sounds more English than the Queen! ARTHUR: Posh Welsh. They sound like us. Still Welsh, though. He hates England. Thats why he gave us such measly tips last year. MARTIN: Measly? ARTHUR: Yeah, I told you! Last time we only got five hundred quid, because England beat Wales. The time before that, we got six grand! And Wales werent even playing that time! MARTIN: W ho Why didnt you tell me?

DOUGLAS: You made it clear where you stood on the matter, Captain. To be honest, I was shamed into silence by your rectitude. His dignity is beyond price, I thought to myself, and far be it for me to MARTIN: Yes, all right! ARTHUR: And imagine what well get if Wales actually win! DOUGLAS: Oh, here we go! COMMENTATOR: The whistle blows, and Wales are Triple Crown champions! DOUGLAS, ARTHUR and MARTIN (simultaneously): Yes!! COMMENTATOR: Two tries in the second half ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [Mr. Birling singing to the tune of Cwm Rhondda] MR. BIRLING: Bread of heaven, bread of heaven, yum yum-yum-yum-yum-yum-yum! Bread of hea-ven, here I come! MARTIN: Congratulations, sir. Marvellously played. MR. BIRLING: Ah, if it isnt little Captain No-Tips-Please-Were-British. MARTIN: Ah, well, yes, since you mentioned that, um MR. BIRLING: You know, theres a little very little, tiny, really part of me that admires you, my boy. I mean, obviously, I dont admire your manner or your job or your appearance, or anything about you at all and I seem to have lost the thread of my remarks. MARTIN: You were just saying you admire me, sir. MR. BIRLING: I very much doubt that. MARTIN: No, you were, a-about the tips. But the thing is MR. BIRLING: Ah yes, thats right. You dont want a tip. The Land of my Fathers has won the Triple Crown, Im all set to give off money like a like a money-geyser, and yet you wont toady. Thats almost enough to make me admire you, if you werent so obviously an odious little tick. MARTIN: Thank you, sir. Erm, but about the toadying: Ive had a slight change of heart. MR. BIRLING: Oh, I see! You want in on the tips after all. MARTIN: Yes please. MR. BIRLING: Well then, you, my boy, have much ground to make up. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [door opening] DOUGLAS: Oh, hello, Mr. Birling. This is a pleasant surprise. MR. BIRLING: What-ho, Dougie. Little Captain Thing here invited me up to the flight deck for take-off. DOUGLAS: Did he now?! Good for Captain Thing! MARTIN: So if youd like to take a seat here, sir. Ill get you some headphones. MR. BIRLING: Id rather sit here. MARTIN: Much as Id like to help you, Mr. Birling, you probably cant sit in the captains seat. MR. BIRLING: Oh dear. MARTIN: But if theres anything else I can MR. BIRLING: You can let me make the man say, Pull up, pull up. MARTIN: What? DOUGLAS: Mr. Birling has a particular fondness for the Ground Proximity warning. MARTIN: Oh! Right! Well yes. If youd like to press this [beeping] GROUND PROXIMITY WARNING: Pull up. Pull up. MR. BIRLING: Ha-ha! Splendid! GROUND PROXIMITY WARNING: Pull up. Pull up. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DOUGLAS: Post take-off checks complete, Captain. MR. BIRLING: Did you see the match, Dougie-boy? DOUGLAS: I did indeed, sir. A famous victory. Jenkins did you proud. MR. BIRLING: Didnt he just? I support Wales, Marty. Did I tell you? MARTIN: Er, no, as it happens, you didnt. MR. BIRLING: Who do you support? MARTIN: Wales. MR. BIRLING: Really? Where were you born? MARTIN [slowly]: Wokingham. MR. BIRLING: Well, then, wheres your national pride, you reptile? MARTIN: Of course, youre right. [laughing] Should support England.

MR. BIRLING: No! Trick question. Ten out of ten for toadying effort; none out of ten for toadying technique. I detest anyone who supports England. Your people have oppressed my people for centuries. MARTIN: Yes. Im so sorry about that. MR. BIRLING: All right, Im bored now. Take me back to my seat. DOUGLAS: Oh, Ill do that, Mr. Birling MARTIN: No, Ill do that, thank you, Douglas. And if theres anything else I can do for you MR. BIRLING: Ah, well, funny you should say that while were in the galley. I think you should know that the more I drink, the more generous I get. MARTIN: Ill send Arthur to bring your miniatures straight away. MR. BIRLING: Yes. The thing about those miniatures is, theyre rather miniature, wouldnt you say? When youre celebrating a great big win, you rather want a great big whiskey! MARTIN: Ah, well. Lets see what we have in the cupboard. MARTIN: Um well, this is what we give the stag parties. Um, McHamishs Special Tartan Reserve. Im not sure its quite the quality youre used to. MR. BIRLING: That will do nicely, my boy. The time for quality has passed. Quantity is the watchword now! And excellent toadying work, incidentally youre a natural. Oh, and give me that as well. MARTIN: Of course, sir. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DOUGLAS: Post landing checks complete. MARTIN: Thank you, Douglas. DOUGLAS: Incidentally, Martin, wheres your hat? MARTIN: Its in the cabin. DOUGLAS: Whats it doing there? MARTIN: Its not doing anything. Its a hat. DOUGLAS: You see, I think it is doing something. I think it is adorning the head and loosening the pockets of a man who MARTIN: Yes, all right. [door opening] DOUGLAS: Ah, Arthur. How is the Pride of Carmarthen? ARTHUR: Uhh, sleepy. If I had to describe him in one word, that-that is the one Id choose. Really very sleepy. He didnt even wake up for my pre-landing safety announcement, and thats impressive, because I did the version with the screams. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MR. BIRLING [singing, slurring]: If ten green bottles hangin-on-a-wall. Ten green bottles hangin-on-a-wall. And if ten green bottles hangin-on-a-wall, there are ten green bottles hangin-on-a-wall. ARTHUR: Hello, Mr. B. Uh, weve landed. MR. BIRLING [slurring]: Dyou like my song? DOUGLAS: Indeed we do, but MR. BIRLING: It concerns bottles. ARTHUR: Yes. MR. BIRLING: I dont seem to be making much headway with it at all. DOUGLAS: Well, dont you worry about that. The important thing is, weve arrived. MR. BIRLING: Mmmm. MARTIN: Yes, the journey is over. ARTHUR: Mumll be here any moment to pick you up! DOUGLAS: So if there was any last little thing you were MR. BIRLING: I might have a little sleep. MARTIN: No! MR. BIRLING: Good night. [bottle dropping to the ground] DOUGLAS: Oh no! Arthur! How on earth did he get hold of this?! ARTHUR: I dont I dont know, Douglas! Honest! I didnt give it to him! A-and I swear I kept the cupboard locked. MARTIN: What-what-what? Whats the matter? DOUGLAS: Well, use your eyes, Martin! Hes got hold of a half litre bottle! Arthur, what were you thinking of?! ARTHUR: It really, really wasnt me! Im not completely stupid! MARTIN: Well it wouldnt be that stupid, would it? I mean, if We wanted him drunk, didnt we? DOUGLAS: Oh Martin. You didnt? ARTHUR: Oh, Skipper.

MARTIN: He asked me to! He said the drunker he got, the more generous he tipped. DOUGLAS: Yes, up to a point, after which the drunker he gets, the more catatonic he gets. ARTHUR: Thats why hes on the miniatures, Skip, so we can you know regulate the flow. [knocking] CAROLYN: Hello! Are you ready to go? DOUGLAS: Mr. Birling? Wake up! MARTIN: Please, wake up! ARTHUR: Come on, Mr. B! Rise and shine! CAROLYN: Good evening, Mr. Birling. I trust you had a pleasant Oh, good lord. Hes outdone himself this time. DOUGLAS: Yes, with a little help from his friends. CAROLYN: All right. Well, Philip do you think you can carry him? PHILIP: Reckon so. CAROLYN: Good! Then you escort Mr. Birling to his limo, and then return straight here for a lively game of Search the First Officer for Stolen Whiskey. PHILIP: Okay. MARTIN: Bye then, Mr. Birling. DOUGLAS: Any last thing you want to say to us before you go? ARTHUR: Anything at all? MR. BIRLING [singing drunkenly]: hangin-on-a-wall. MARTIN: Right. Thanks. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ARTHUR: Hey. Maybe when he sobers up, hell remember he hasnt tipped us and send us something in the post. DOUGLAS: Yes, maybe! Or maybe hell just get the tooth fairy to pop it under our pillows for him on her rounds. ARTHUR: I know what will cheer us up. You didnt manage to get any of that Talisker off the plane, did you, Douglas? DOUGLAS: No, as it happens I didnt. ARTHUR: No, well I did. DOUGLAS: What? ARTHUR: Yeah. I mean, not lots or anything just you remember that miniature you made me open, Douglas, that I couldnt serve to Mr. Birling? Well, Ive still got it! MARTIN: Oh, good work, Arthur! Well played! ARTHUR: Who wants a swig? MARTIN: Er, yes please! [swallowing] Thats horrible! ARTHUR: What? DOUGLAS: Well, it would be. I stole all the Talisker while you were on the roof. ARTHUR: But you-you cant have done! They were all still sealed when I came down! I opened one at random! DOUGLAS: No, they werent all still sealed. They all still made a *khrrr* noise. But you see, Arthur, there are twoways of making a whiskey miniature make a *khrrr* noise. One certainly is to get an unopened one straight from the factory; but another is to take an open one and to dab the side of the cap with two spots of clear nail varnish. Yeah. So while Arthur was bravely searching for the TV aerial, I opened them all up and switched them for McHamish Tartan Terror Mr. B being in no state to tell the difference and then I hid the Talisker on the plane to reclaim at my leisure. MARTIN: Oh, so at least we DOUGLAS [interrupting]: I hid it somewhere no-one would think to look for it or recognise it for what it was somewhere no-one would touch it. I hid it in the MARTIN and DOUGLAS: McHamish Tartan bottle. DOUGLAS: Yes. Mr. Birling got his Talisker after all. Lets hope he appreciated it. ARTHUR: I dont think he did. DOUGLAS: No. I dont think he did either. MARTIN: So we dont have any good whiskey or bad whiskey or a tip. DOUGLAS: No. [pause] Anyone care for a shot of nail varnish? [credits]

SEASON 1 EPISODE 6: Fitton

(Bing-bong.) ARTHUR (in a fake posh voice over the cabin address): Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, lords and ladies your Majesty. This is your captain speaking Captain Wing Commander Sir Arthur Shappey

welcoming you aboard this world record-attempting flight around the world. Er, passengers on both sides of the aircraft should have excellent views of the world. If you find were going over a bit of the world you like the look of, er, do please ring your little bell and one of the cabin crew will fit you with a parachute and chuck you out. Otherwise, enjoy the flight and, er, when we get to Sydney, do keep an eye out for the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Im gonna have a crack at flying underneath it. (Knocking on the cabin door.) CAROLYN (from outside): Hey, Wing Commander! Less yammering; more hoovering! ARTHUR: Sorry, Mum! (A vacuum cleaner starts up.) This week, Fitton! (Sound of rain hammering down on the portacabins roof.) MARTIN: Then theres another leak over here. ARTHUR: Right-o, Martin! (Portacabin door opens.) DOUGLAS: God, the rains horrible outside. (Sound of dripping.) DOUGLAS: and inside. CAROLYN: Douglas, you are forty-five minutes late. DOUGLAS (insincerely): Oh dear, how terribly remiss of me. And Mr. Goddard is, of course, so famously punctual. I do hope I havent kept him waiting. CAROLYN: Its a job, Douglas, a job for which you are being paid like any other and I expect you to be on time. DOUGLAS: I am chastened and ashamed. Arthur, tea. ARTHUR: Uh, yep, will do, Douglas. Just trying to fix this leak first. DOUGLAS: Oh well, in that case: Arthur, tea? ARTHUR: Wow! Youre making me tea?! DOUGLAS: I know. Its a topsy-turvy day of misrule, isnt it? ARTHUR: Cracking! Loads of milk, four sugars, please! (He hums a couple of random notes under his breath as he continues to work.) ARTHUR: Hey, Douglas. You know when you get something going round and round in your brain? DOUGLAS: Yes though Im a little surprised you do. ARTHUR: A-a tune, I mean. DOUGLAS: Ah! Yes. ARTHUR: Well, Ive got one of yours at the moment. DOUGLAS: One of mine? ARTHUR: Yeah, something you were singing a-a few days ago, only Ive only got the one line. Um, how does it go after this? Um (He starts to produce music from his throat. By no stretch of the imagination can it be ca lled singing it sounds more like hes trying to gargle musically and he produces each note to a strangled Ah sound. The first seven notes probably sound vaguely familiar to some of the radio audience, but after that the tune descends into what seems more like a string of random notes.) ARTHUR: How does it go then? DOUGLAS: Well, I hope after that it goes to a vet and is painlessly put out of its misery. ARTHUR: But whats the next line? DOUGLAS: I have no idea. ARTHUR: Its something you were singing! DOUGLAS: Are you sure youre not thinking of when Martin trapped my hand in the cabin door? ARTHUR: No, no, you were singing it this week. Um (He strangles a further string of notes. The tune sounds totally unlike what he was strangling before.) DOUGLAS: Well, was it (He starts to sing smoothly) Summer time, and the living is easy ARTHUR: No, it was more like (Again he does his best to strip his vocal chords as he gargles a tune dissimilar to the one he was murdering previously.) DOUGLAS: You do realise every time you do that, its completely different? ARTHUR: No, listen. (He starts to caterwaul again but mercifully Carolyn interrupts after only a few notes.) CAROLYN: Please, Arthur, not again! ARTHUR: Sorry, Mum.

(He gets back to trying to fix the leak.) MARTIN: Oh, Douglas, I thought of another one this morning. DOUGLAS: Oh yes? CAROLYN: What are you doing this time? DOUGLAS: Books That Sound More Interesting With The Final Letter Knocked Off. CAROLYN: Oh, right. Er, what have you got so far? DOUGLAS: Of Mice and Me; and Three Men in a Boa. CAROLYN: Oh. Ah, ah! Far From The Madding Crow. DOUGLAS: Oh, very good! Well have that. And whats your new one, Martin? MARTIN (excitedly): The Hound of the Baskerville! Ive taken the s off! DOUGLAS: Almost good. Certainly better than when you took the s off The Mill on the Floss to make The Mill on the Flos. [He pronounces Flos the same as Floss.] (Rattling and thumping nearby.) ARTHUR: Ah-ha! (More thudding, then the sound of trickling water.) CAROLYN: Arthur, Arthur, what have you done? ARTHUR: Im making progress. Ive found the hole where the rains coming in. DOUGLAS: Found it, or made it? ARTHUR: No, it was there before. Ive just made it easier to see. MARTIN: You mean bigger. ARTHUR: Bigger-ish. DOUGLAS (exasperated): Oh, for heavens sake! Its now raining inside the portacabin! Can we please just go into Fitton and wait in a nice coffee shop or something? CAROLYN: No! If Goddard turns up, we have to be ready in twenty minutes flight plan filed, aircraft checked, ready to go. DOUGLAS: Hes not going to call! We havent heard a peep out of him for twenty-eight days! Hes clearly forgotten all about us. CAROLYN: We dont know that. Anyway, Standby is the Holy Grail of the airline in dustry being paid to fly without any actual flying. No risk of the three of you putting us into bankruptcy, prison or the side of a mountain. God has smiled on us; and if he has chosen as his instrument a lippy telecom millionaire from Bracknell, who are we to argue? MARTIN: Well, if we cant go into town, we could at least go and sit in the plane where its dry. DOUGLAS (despairing): Oh, God, do we have to? MARTIN: Well, we can sit in the plane, or we can sit in the rain. DOUGLAS: Cant we sit in the car or sit in a bar? MARTIN: Douglas. DOUGLAS: Im sorry. I thought we were staging an impromptu tribute to Dr. Seuss. (Sound of rain hammering down on the planes roof.) DOUGLAS: Wow! This is much nicer(!) ARTHUR: How about a game of Charades?! CAROLYN, MARTIN and DOUGLAS (simultaneously): No! ARTHUR: Oh, why not? CAROLYN: Because, dear heart, none of us will soon forget the misery of you spending twenty-five minutes miming Apocalypse Now without knowing what an apocalypse was. (Silence for a few seconds, then Arthur starts to strangle his tune again, but now it sounds even less like the original one. However, Douglas now recognises another melody coming out of the cacophony.) DOUGLAS: Oh! Oh-oh-oh, is it (He grandly sings the opening lines from the aria Non pi andrai from Le nozze di Figaro, although he doesnt sing the actual words.) ARTHUR (interrupting on the third line): No, that doesnt sound anything like what I sang. DOUGLAS: That, Im willing to concede. MARTIN: Well, so long as were in the plane with nothing to do, we could always review the Standard Operating Procedures. (Douglas and Carolyn sigh in exasperation.) CAROLYN: Yes, thatll make the day fly by on silver wings(!) MARTIN: It is a legal requirement, and were here anyway. DOUGLAS: Thats why you were so keen to come out to the plane, isnt it, so you could get us to go through your rotten old OPs. MARTIN: Well, since Ive gone to all the trouble of revising them CAROLYN (tetchily): Fine! Well go through one.

MARTIN (sulkily): No. I dont want to now. CAROLYN: Oh, come on. MARTIN: No. DOUGLAS (trying his best to sound genuine): Martin, were sorry. Its very good of you to do them. Please take us through one. MARTIN: All right. (He clears his throat, then shuffles through the pages of a manual.) Standard Operating Procedure evacuation in event of smoke or fire in cabin. CAROLYN: Fine. ARTHUR: Hang on: is it okay for me to hear these? MARTIN: Yes! Theyre not secrets! ARTHUR: Oh. Okay, carry on. MARTIN: Set parking brake. DOUGLAS: Mmm-hmm. MARTIN: Shut down engines. CAROLYN: Good idea. MARTIN: P.A. announcement. DOUGLAS: Yeah. MARTIN: First Officer leaves through the nearest exit. DOUGLAS: You bet he does and enters nearest bar. MARTIN: Captain dons cap, enters cabin to assist passengers. (Theres a pause, then Carolyn starts to giggle, trying and failing to suppress her laughter. A moment later Douglas also starts trying to choke back his chuckles.) MARTIN: What? CAROLYN (giggling): Does what?! MARTIN: Assists passengers. What? Whats so funny? DOUGLAS (laughing): No, no, no before that. MARTIN: Captain dons cap, enters cabin to (Carolyn and Douglas lose it, bursting out into sustained laughter.) DOUGLAS: Dons cap?! CAROLYN: Captain dons cap! DOUGLAS: Oh yeah! You have to don your cap before dealing with a fire! CAROLYN: Otherwise how will the fire know who the captain is?! MARTIN: Its for the passengers. (Douglas starts quoting from the poem Casabianca by Felicia Dorothea Hemans.) DOUGLAS: The boy stood on the burning deck / Whence all but he had fled. (Carolyn deliberately re-writes the next lines.) CAROLYN: His heart was in his mouth but, lo! / His cap was on his head! MARTIN (irritated and hurt): Right! Fine! Forget it. Forget it! Ill go and sit on the flight deck and review them by myself. (Douglas and Carolyn continue to laugh as the flight deck door slams, then they slowly pull themselves together.) CAROLYN: Ooh. Oh. Oh dear. DOUGLAS: Oh. Was that a bit ? CAROLYN: Yes, a little bit. DOUGLAS: Oh. CAROLYN: Do you think, er, do you think one of us should, er ? DOUGLAS: Yes. (The flight deck door opens and then closes.) ARTHUR: Right. Well. Just you and me, Mum. You know, you can play Charades with two people. CAROLYN (instantly): No. ARTHUR: Okay. Oh, um Dad called this morning. CAROLYN: Ah. I thought he might. ARTHUR: Mmm. Well, he did. CAROLYN: What did he have to say? ARTHUR: Oh, he asked after you um, and the plane. CAROLYN: Oh yes? In which order? ARTHUR: Not that order. CAROLYN: No. ARTHUR: Uh, and he said to tell you CAROLYN (interrupting): Not interested. ARTHUR: Yeah, but he said to tell you CAROLYN: I know what he said to tell me, because hes said it every twelfth of November for eight years.

Not interested. ARTHUR: He still made me promise to say it. Sorry. CAROLYN: Go on, then. Get it over with. ARTHUR: He said to tell you hed like to buy his plane back off you. CAROLYN: Not interested. And its not his plane. Not that it matters, but how much was he offering this time? ARTHUR: A hundred pounds. CAROLYN: A hundred?! Well, thats just silly! Last year I turned him down for a hundred and twentyfivethousand. Why would I go for twenty-five grand less? ARTHUR: No, not a hundred thousand pounds a hundred pounds. CAROLYN: No, dear, no. I didnt pick you up on it before because frankly lifes too short, but when he said a hundred, he meant a hundred thousand. ARTHUR (confidently): No he didnt. CAROLYN: Arthur, given that in your short life you have caught hold of the wrong end of enough sticks to build an entire wrong end of a forest, what makes you so sure youve got it right this time? ARTHUR: Because he made me write it down. (He takes out a piece of paper and reads from it.) ARTHUR: Tell her, yes, he does mean a hundred pounds, not a hundred grand. One hundred pounds and no pennies. I havent got it wrong. No, write Arthur. Arthur hasnt got it wrong. Phone if you want details. DOUGLAS (tentatively): Erm, Martin? MARTIN (sulkily): What do you want? DOUGLAS: Apologies, Martin. That was very childish of us. MARTIN: Yes it ruddy well was. DOUGLAS: Yes. Perfectly reasonable emergency procedure. MARTIN: Are you being funny again? DOUGLAS: No! No, I mean it. The hat makes it clear to confused, frightened passengers that you are in charge. Absolutely. MARTIN: Exactly! DOUGLAS: Entirely sensible. MARTIN: Its nothing to do with showing off about being the captain. DOUGLAS: No. MARTIN: I mean, God knows I could write Captain on my forehead in lipstick and people still wouldnt get it. (Douglas snorts laughter.) MARTIN: What? What have I done now? DOUGLAS (still laughing): No, no, noth-nothing. I mean, not you. I was I was just hoping you werent thinking of putting that in the Operating Procedure. (Martin chuckles.) MARTIN: What, you mean, First Officer leaves through nearest exit. Captain writes Captain on forehead with lipstick, dons cap, enters cabin. DOUGLAS: In unlikely event of captain non-recognition, captain doffs cap, gestures to lipstick inscription (They both laugh, then they settle down.) MARTIN: Why do they always think youre the captain, Douglas? DOUGLAS: Oh, thats easy. Cause I dont care. Captains dont care. Ive been a first officer, been a captain, been a first officer again. All the same to me. So long as youre happy, who gives a toss how many rings there are on your sleeve? Whereas you always look like you want to be the captain, so people assume you cant be one. Youve gotta lose that look. MARTIN: But I have always wanted to be an airline captain. DOUGLAS: Really? MARTIN: Yes, ever since I was six. DOUGLAS: Ah. And before that? MARTIN: I wanted to be an aeroplane. DOUGLAS: I see. MARTIN: Why what did you want to be? DOUGLAS: Oh, various things at different times. I studied medicine at university. MARTIN: You wanted to be a doctor? DOUGLAS: Well, I wanted to be a medical student. They seemed to have the most fun. Im not sure I ever wanted to be a doctor glamorous, but gloopy. (Flight deck door opens.) ARTHUR: Coffee, chaps. DOUGLAS: How about you, Arthur? What do you want to do if you grow up?

ARTHUR: Huh? MARTIN: When you were a boy, what did you want to be? ARTHUR: Oh, well, I-I was a bit like you, actually, Skipper. I always wanted to be a pilot too. DOUGLAS: Good lord, really? ARTHUR: Yeah. (He chuckles briefly.) Obviously that was never gonna happen. MARTIN: Oh, well ARTHUR: Although, actually, when I was seventeen Mum did get me an interview at the, um, Oxford Aviation Academy, for my birthday. So I-I-I actually went up and I sat in the hall and the others started to come in and I dunno they all looked like proper pilots, or at least You know the Muppet Babies? DOUGLAS: I fear they may have passed me by. ARTHUR: Well, it was this cartoon with baby versions of Kermit and Miss Piggy and everyone; and these guys looked like Muppet Baby versions of well, you two well, anyway MARTIN (resigned): Yes, I know, I know of him. ARTHUR: Yeah. And anyway, the-the woman came out and said, Arthur Shappey, youre up, and all the Muppet Baby pilots looked round to see who he was and so did I. After a bit they decided he hadnt turned up and went to the next guy. So, you know, part of me always wonders, um, what would have happened if Id gone through that door. DOUGLAS: Well, I can tell you, Arthur. Theyd have made mincemeat out of you. ARTHUR: Really? DOUGLAS: Absolutely. Youd be a hopeless pilot. Theyd have laughed you out of the room. ARTHUR: And youre not just saying that to make me feel better? DOUGLAS: Not at all. You wouldnt have had a cats chance in hell, would he, Martin? MARTIN: Im afraid not. ARTHUR (affectionately): Aww. You guys are great! MARTIN: There isnt, though. After the age of thirty, you just dont meet anyone new. Youre on your raft with your friends, and everyone else is on their raft. Sometimes the rafts bump into each other, but theres no raft hopping. And Ive managed to get on an all-boys raft. DOUGLAS: Well, what about cabin crew? MARTIN: Hmm, well, for two very different reasons, Im afraid neither Arthur nor Carolyn quite float my boat. DOUGLAS: Well, theres always weddings. I met all three of my wives at weddings. MARTIN: Really?! DOUGLAS: Mmm, course. The third one, I met at my wedding which was a trifle awkward. MARTIN: Yes, I imagine it would be! DOUGLAS: Yeah, my second marriage wasnt my favourite. MARTIN: Which one was? DOUGLAS: Oh, the current Mrs Richardson, hands down! Shes smashing! Look: I got her this for our anniversary. (Sound of his flight bag being unzipped.) MARTIN: I think you may be showing me the wrong bag. DOUGLAS: No thats the one. MARTIN: Youve got her a bottle of brown sauce? You incorrigible old romantic(!) DOUGLAS: Ah, but its her favourite brown sauce, only they changed the recipe in Britain and now she doesnt like it any more. But I did some research and they still make it with the old recipe in Greece. So last time we were in Thessaloniki you remember, back when we used to fly planes for a living instead of sit in them I got her this. Shell love it. MARTIN: Oh, you sod. That actually is romantic. CAROLYN: Arthur. Listen carefully. ARTHUR: Oh-oh. CAROLYN: Ive just been talking with your father. ARTHUR: Right. CAROLYN: Hes now offering to buy GERTI for one pound. ARTHUR: Right. And are you thinking of Cause Id probably give you ten. CAROLYN: in exchange for which, he will take GERTI and, with her, all of MJNs debts. ARTHUR: Oh. CAROLYN: So what do you think I should do? (Flight deck door opens.) DOUGLAS: Ah, Carolyn. CAROLYN: What? DOUGLAS: Well, its two hours to dusk and hes clearly not coming. Can we have a little snifter? CAROLYN: No. Get out.

DOUGLAS: Pardonnez-moi. (Flight deck door closes.) CAROLYN: Carry on, Arthur. ARTHUR: Well, what do you want to do? CAROLYN: I-I want to know what you think. ARTHUR: Really? Are you sure? CAROLYN: Yes! I mean, lets be clear: not in your capacity as astute financial analyst; in your capacity as someone who might one day come into this money or lack of money. ARTHUR: Oh. Right. Well, um, I dont want to I think you should do whatever you think but just-just thinking about myself, I dont know what Id do with the money that would be better than getting to go up in the plane all the time with you guys. But thats just me being selfish. (Flight deck door opens.) DOUGLAS: No she didnt really go for the drinks idea. Water it is. (Clinking of glasses, then water pouring into them.) MARTIN: So, what is it exactly thats so special about I dont even know her name. DOUGLAS: Helena. MARTIN: Hmm. DOUGLAS: Oh, I dont know. I mean, shes clever and funny and kind and beautiful and so on and et cetera you know, the standard specs. But, I think if Im honest, what it really comes down to is, she thinks Im terrific. MARTIN: Does she?(!) DOUGLAS: Yup. The bees pyjamas; the cats knees. Really terrific. MARTIN: And thats enough to make you happy together, is it your shared belief in the terrificness of you? (Flight deck door opens.) DOUGLAS: Its not a bad start. MARTIN: But does it make you happy? Truly happy? DOUGLAS: Oh, well, come on. No-ones truly happy. ARTHUR: Im truly happy! MARTIN: Oh God. DOUGLAS: No, Arthur; you are cheery. No-ones interested in the secret of true cheeriness. ARTHUR: No, thats not true. Im fairly often just completely happy. Like, for instance, when you get into a bath quickly and its just the right temperature, and you go (blissfully) Ohhhh! I mean, no-one really gets any happier than that. MARTIN: What a depressing thought. ARTHUR: No! No, its not, though! Because those sort of things happen all the time, whereas youre hardly ever you know blissfully happy with the love of your life in the moonlight; and when you are, youre too busy worrying about it being over soon. Whereas the bath moments theres loads of those! Oh! Like when you realise your knuckles are ready for cracking. DOUGLAS: What?! (Arthur cracks his knuckles.) DOUGLAS and MARTIN: Eurgh! ARTHUR: See? I was happy then. Ooh wait! Ive got another one. (Flight deck door closes as Arthur leaves.) MARTIN: Did you order the motivational seminar by Forrest Gump? (Flight deck door opens again.) ARTHUR: Apples! DOUGLAS: Oh, no! Please spare us the crisp crunch of the first bite of an apple. ARTHUR: No, no, of course not. No-one really likes apples. That would be like liking wood. No I mean this. (Sound of an apple repeatedly landing in Arthurs hands.) DOUGLAS: What?! ARTHUR: This tossing an apple from hand to hand. It just feels really nice. I could do it for hours. Try it. (He tosses an apple to Douglas, who also starts tossing his from hand to hand.) DOUGLAS (after a moment): You know, there is something rather pleasant about it. MARTIN: Oh, for goodness sakes! I dont believe it! ARTHUR: Try it! (He throws an apple to Martin, who joins in with the apple-tossing.) ARTHUR (after a moment): See?! MARTIN: Well, its satisfying, but I wouldnt say I was happy. ARTHUR: Give it a bit longer. (Flight deck door opens.)

CAROLYN: Good grief. The worlds least impressive troupe of jugglers. What on earth are you doing? ARTHUR: Nothing! MARTIN: Nothing. (As the boys continue to toss their apples, Douglas begins to idly hum the tune of Were Busy Doing Nothing.) ARTHUR (loudly): Thats it! (Martin cries out in surprise.) MARTIN: Oh! Arthur, you made me drop my apple! CAROLYN: Oh, Martin. Surely the only professional pilot who cannot successfully juggle one apple. ARTHUR: Thats the tune, though! (He gargles the beginning of the tune, still getting it wrong within a few notes.) DOUGLAS: Oh! (He starts to sing.) DOUGLAS: Were busy doing nothing, working the whole day through (Martin is already humming along by the second half of the phrase, and now joins in the singing.) DOUGLAS and MARTIN: Trying to find lots of things not to do (Carolyn joins in.) DOUGLAS, MARTIN and CAROLYN: Were busy going nowhere. Isnt it just a crime? (And now Arthur joins in somewhat discordantly for the last line.) THE WHOLE CREW: Wed like to be unhappy but we never do have the time! (They all laugh.) CAROLYN: All right, all right, who wants a drink? DOUGLAS: Really? You seemed quite anti the idea just now. CAROLYN: Yes. Well, I have perked up somewhat since then; and anyway, for goodness sake, Goddards obviously not going to call. Its an hour before dusk after twenty-eight days of silence hes forgotten about us. MARTIN: Except hes guaranteed to call if we have a drink. DOUGLAS: Well, hed better hurry up then. Hes three drinks too late for me. CAROLYN: Douglas. Have you been drinking? DOUGLAS: I cannot tell a lie. What am I saying? Im terrific at telling lies. I mean, Im not going to tell a lie. Yes. MARTIN: I thought it was water! DOUGLAS: Thats the beauty of vodka: colourless, odourless. Proof that God loves pilots or at least th e Russians do. (Glasses clink and liquid is poured.) CAROLYN: Arthur? One for you? ARTHUR: Oh, thanks. Er, can I have pineapple juice? CAROLYN: No, its all right. Weve decided hes not going to call. You can have wine. ARTHUR (disappointed): Oh. Okay. (He perks up.) But can I have pineapple juice? CAROLYN: Yes, fine. ARTHUR: Thanks, Mum! (More alcohol is poured into glasses. Martin and Douglas snigger a little drunkenly.) DOUGLAS: Er, er A Dance to the Music of Tim? (Martin and Carolyn laugh.) CAROLYN: Oh! Oh, very good, very good, very good. Ah, mmm The da Vinci Cod. (The men laugh.) MARTIN: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! James Bond! James Bond! Erm The Man With The Golden Gu. (He pronounces it goo, then sniggers.) MARTIN: Goldfinge! (Pronouncing it gold-finj, he laughs alone.) MARTIN (loudly): Octopuss! DOUGLAS: Octopuss?! Thats just octopus! MARTIN: Yes! DOUGLAS (despairingly): Oh, please, someone save me from this. (A phone begins to ring.) DOUGLAS: Not you, though. MARTIN: Who is it? CAROLYN: Anonymous caller. ARTHUR: Could be anyone. MARTIN: Probably not him. CAROLYN (picking up the phone): Hello? Oh, yes. Yes, of course! Yes! Very well. Goodbye.

(She puts the phone down.) CAROLYN: Goddard will be here in twenty minutes. MARTIN (groaning): Ohh. CAROLYN: What do we do? DOUGLAS: Why did you say yes? CAROLYN: Hes paid us thousands and thousands of pounds this month just for me to say Yes to that one phone call. DOUGLAS: True. CAROLYN: We have to fly. DOUGLAS: But CAROLYN: but we cant fly. MARTIN (drunkenly): I can fly. (half-singing) I can fly right up to the sky! CAROLYN: You cant! MARTIN (singing): I can! CAROLYN: You cant! DOUGLAS: No, but CAROLYN: What? DOUGLAS: I can. CAROLYN: No you cant! MARTIN (puzzled): Hmm? CAROLYN: Well just tell him the plane wont start and refund him his money, and I-I wasnt going to tell you this, but as it happens, today someone made me an offer DOUGLAS (interrupting): Im sorry to interrupt, Carolyn, but youre not listening. I am fit to fly. CAROLYN: Youre not! Youve been drinking. DOUGLAS: No. I havent. I dont drink. MARTIN (laughing): Yes you do! DOUGLAS: No I dont. MARTIN (drunkenly): You do! Ive seen you, hundreds of times! DOUGLAS: No. You think you have, but you havent. CAROLYN (catching on): Oh! MARTIN (not catching on at all): I have! Youve been drinking tonight! DOUGLAS: The thing about not being able to tell vodka from water is it cuts both ways. CAROLYN: So youre sober! DOUGLAS: Very sober. Eight years for me, too. CAROLYN: You can fly! DOUGLAS: I can fly. MARTIN: I can fly too! I can bloody well fly as well as any fly. DOUGLAS: Of course, Im perfectly qualified to fly this plane alone. CAROLYN: Yes, but Goddard doesnt know that. Hes hired two pilots. Hes expecting a captain. DOUGLAS: Well, we could always (He trails off.) CAROLYN: Oh no. DOUGLAS: Well, what else can we do? CAROLYN: Oh no! DOUGLAS: Arthur! ARTHUR: Yep? DOUGLAS: Arthur Shappey? Youre up! (Bing-bong.) ARTHUR (over cabin address, his voice occasionally cracking with nerves): Good evening, this is your captain speaking. Captain Martin Crieff speaking. I shall be captaining the plane as your captain this evening. (Long pause.) ARTHUR: Okay, bye! (In the cabin.) MARTIN (trying and almost succeeding to sound sober): Good evening, Mr. Goddard. Welcome aboard. My names Arthur. Ill be your steward today. MR. GODDARD (east London accent): Yeah, cheers, Arfur. All right? MARTIN: May I offer sir a drink, sir? MR. GODDARD: Yeah, yeah, ang on. Let me get meself sorted out. MARTIN: Oh, absolutely, sir. But when youre all nicely settled in, would you like me to bring you a drink? Thats all I was asking.

MR. GODDARD: Yeah, all right. Mineral water. MARTIN: Very good, sir. Would you like spill, or starkling? MR. GODDARD: Just hang on a minute, can you?! CAROLYN (sounding decidedly fuzzy): Er, Martin, Ill take care of this. MARTIN (quietly, through gritted teeth): Im Arthur! CAROLYN: Oh, yes, yes. Arthur (she chuckles) Ill take care of this, Arthur. Sir, would you like a drink? MR. GODDARD: Yes! A still mineral water, no ice, all right? CAROLYN: Right! Go and get him one, Marthur. MARTIN: Martha?! CAROLYN: Arthur! Arthur! (She and Martin both burst into giggles.) MR. GODDARD: Whats up? Whats goin on? CAROLYN: No-no-no-no, nothing, nothing, nothing. He used to be he used to be Martha, now hes Arthur! (They crack up laughing.) MR. GODDARD: What are you laughin at? (The two of them try to control themselves.) MARTIN: Im not laughing. MR. GODDARD: Yes you are. (Martin sniggers.) MR. GODDARD: And whys your uniform so baggy? MARTIN (still forcing back giggles): Im Ive lost a lot of weight recently. CAROLYN: Yes, yes, yes (she giggles) from when he was Martha! (She and Martin crack up again.) MR. GODDARD: Right. Ive ad enough of this. I wanna see the pilots. CAROLYN: Oh, no, no. Im afraid thats quite impossible. MR. GODDARD (sternly): Take me to the pilots! Now. (Sound of apples being tossed from hand to hand.) DOUGLAS: Thats right! And catch and throw, and catch and throw, and catch and throw, and catch (As they set up a rhythm to Douglas words, Arthur begins to sing the Entry Of The Gladiators by Julius Fucik better known as the circus theme. The flight deck door bursts open as they continue.) MR. GODDARD: Look, whats going on with bloody hell! DOUGLAS (as he and Arthur stop tossing apples): Oh, Im sorry, sir, but youre intruding on a standard preflight exercise to improve reflex time and hand-eye coordination. Could you return to your seat? ARTHUR: Yeah. Thats right. MR. GODDARD: Youre the captain, are you? ARTHUR: I certainly am. I am the captain. MR. GODDARD: Right, I wanna smell your breath both of you. DOUGLAS: Be our guest. (He huffs breath towards Mr. Goddard, as does Arthur.) MR. GODDARD: All right, then. Fair enough. Fair enough. ARTHUR: Course, if wed been drinking vodka, you wouldnt be able to smell it on our breath. MR. GODDARD: Youve been drinking vodka? ARTHUR: No, no, we havent! I was just saying, as an interesting fact. MR. GODDARD: Are you really a captain, mate? DOUGLAS: Yes. You see, i-it ARTHUR: Thank you, Douglas. I can deal with this. I am a captain, yes, and I can assure you that you may fully rely on my professionalism and my judgement. MR. GODDARD: Yeah. Fair enough, mate. No offence. ARTHUR: not to mention my thirty years of flying experience. MR. GODDARD: ang on! Thirty years?! How old are you? ARTHUR: Well if I qualified at eighteen which I did that makes me (hesitantly) forty-eight. MR. GODDARD: You dont look forty-eight to me. DOUGLAS: The captain does have a youthful vigour. MARTIN: Everyone comments on it. CAROLYN: Of course, he has a punishing moisturising routine MR. GODDARD (interrupting): All right. I dunno what the ells goin on ere, but luckily for you Ive got to be in Madrid by nine. So eres how its goin to go: you are gonna fly the plane DOUGLAS: Yes, sir. MR. GODDARD: Shut it. You are gonna watch, and not touch anything unless he tells you to. DOUGLAS: I wont tell him to.

MR. GODDARD: Good. And you, and you are gonna sit in your little kitchen with a litre of water each and sober up. And no-one is gonna juggle apples! (Sound of a hairdryer being waved around.) ARTHUR: Zzzoooom! Zooom! Zooom! CAROLYN: Arthur, its a hairdryer. You have to point it steadily. You cant just zap things dry like its a ray gun. ARTHUR: Sorry, Mum. (The portacabin door opens.) MARTIN: Carolyn, Im off now. CAROLYN: Cheerio. Oh, Martin, did you leave a bottle of brown sauce on the flight deck, you revolting creature? MARTIN: Oh, no actually thats Douglas. Has he gone? CAROLYN: Oh, at the first whiff of mopping up to be done. MARTIN: Right, well, give it to me. Ill drop it off on my way home. CAROLYN: Im sure he can go a couple of days without brown sauce. MARTIN: No, he Its a long, slightly weird story. CAROLYN: Then, by all means, keep it to yourself. Goodbye! (The office phone starts to ring.) MARTIN: Bye-bye, Arthur. ARTHUR: Bye, Skipper! I loved being you! MARTIN: Oh! Well, Im glad somebody does. (He leaves. Carolyn picks up the phone.) CAROLYN: Ah, thank you for ringing back. Yes, I have a message for Mr. Shappey from the CEO of MJN Air. (She narrates her message slowly and pedantically.) CAROLYN: GERTIs staying with me, so up yours, baldy. Yes, it is a business message. Its in code, you see. Hell know what it means. And thats from Carolyn Knapp-Shappey, CEO, My Jet Now Air. Thank you so much. (She hangs up.) (A doorbell is rung. The door is opened.) DOUGLAS: Oh. Martin! MARTIN: Hello, Douglas. DOUGLAS: What are you doing here? MARTIN: I just stopped by to give you this. You left it on the plane. DOUGLAS: Oh! Right. Yes. Er, thank you. MARTIN: Youre welcome. Just thought Id stop by on my way home. I mean, Im not really on my way, actually, but to save your anniversary, I thought DOUGLAS: I know, and I-I do appreciate it. I really do. (Awkward pause.) DOUGLAS: Well, I wont keep you. MARTIN: Oh. Okay. Well, Ill see you next (He stops.) MARTIN: Douglas. Your epaulettes! DOUGLAS: What? MARTIN: Theyve grown an extra bar. DOUGLAS: Oh, look at that! How silly of me! I must have put on my old Air England ones by mistake. MARTIN: When? DOUGLAS: When? MARTIN: When? DOUGLAS: Well, when I got dressed. MARTIN: Douglas, you were not wearing captains epaulettes during the flight! I would have noticed, believe me. DOUGLAS: Yes, you would, wouldnt you? MARTIN: Which means you must have HELENA (from a distance): Who is it, Dougie? DOUGLAS: Er, no-one, sweetheart. Just someone dropping something off. HELENA (coming closer): Oh! Hello. MARTIN: Hello. Im Martin. DOUGLAS: Well, thanks for that, Martin. Ill see you HELENA: Martin! Oh, from MJN.

DOUGLAS: Thats right, darling. Martin, this is my wonderful wife Helena. Helena, this is my trusted and valued first officer, Martin Crieff. HELENA: Pleased to meet you. MARTIN (thoughtfully): Pleased to meet you. HELENA: We meet at last! Ive heard so much about you. MARTIN: So I gather. HELENA: Well, wont you come in for a drink? MARTIN: Perhaps another time. Id better get home. HELENA: Oh, what a pity! Ive been dying to hear what hes like as a boss. I bet you end up doing all the work! I know Id hate to be Douglas first officer. MARTIN: Yes, well, as a friend once told me, As long as youre happy, who gives a toss how many stripes youve got on your arm? HELENA: Ah, but I bet whoever told you that was a first officer! MARTIN: Now you come to mention it, I rather think he was.

SEASON 2 EPISODE 1: Helsinki

(Radio on.) FITTON AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: Golf Tango India, Im gonna clear you to start after Golf Echo Echo. DOUGLAS (into radio): Thank you, Karl. Ready to go after Golf Echo. KARL: Thats Golf Echo Echo. DOUGLAS: Sorry, Tower. I thought the second Echo was an echo. KARL: What? DOUGLAS: I thought you said Golf Echo echo when in fact you said, Golf Echo Echo. That is to say, I thought the first Echo was Echo and the second Echo was an echo of Echo; whereas in fact both Echos were Echos and neither Echo was an echo. KARL: Then perhaps Id better put you right to the back of the queue while you check your radio equipment, shall I? (Slight pause.) DOUGLAS: Golf Tango India ready to follow Golf Echo Echo. This week, Helsinki! (Douglas is humming the tune English Country Garden as he moves something around in the flight deck. The flight deck door opens.) MARTIN: Oh! Hello Douglas. Good lord! DOUGLAS: Ah. Morning, Martin. I wasnt expecting you just yet. MARTIN: Evidently not! DOUGLAS: Have you picked up the weather? MARTIN: Er, yes. North Sea turbulence; clear skies at Helsinki. DOUGLAS: Oh, jolly good. MARTIN: Douglas, I cant help but notice youve filled the flight deck with orchids. DOUGLAS: Yes. Yes, I have done that. Yes. MARTIN: Are you about to propose to me? DOUGLAS: It pains me to break your heart, Martin, but no. These are for another man a Finnish customs officer named Milo, to be exact. MARTIN (getting on his pretend high horse): And what does he have that I dont have?! DOUGLAS: Fish cakes. (Martin chuckles.) MARTIN: Really?! DOUGLAS: Also salmon, turbot and langoustine. MARTIN: Oh, Douglas, youre not smuggling again? DOUGLAS: Absolutely not. Perish the thought! A simple exchange of gifts. You see, a friend gave me these orchids when we were in Cyprus, as a token of appreciation for the sixteen jars of Barnaise sauce I gave him; which were in turn an unwanted gift from a friend in Marseilles. The orchids are lovely but not quite my thing, so I shall pass them on to my friend in Helsinki and who knows? he may wish to show his gratitude by presenting me with assorted fish and fish products, which will be just the very thing for a friend of mine in Zurich. Theyre rather short of fresh seafood in Switzer land dont know why(!) MARTIN: I see. But if you just keep bartering each thing along, whats the point? DOUGLAS: Well, put it this way: I have here about five hundred Euros worth of flowers, and I shall exchange them for about five hundred and sixty Euros worth of fish; and I started three months ago with a

cheese sandwich. Right thats most of them hidden away. Could you put this bunch under your seat? (Martin groans as he takes the bunch from Douglas. The flight deck door opens.) ARTHUR (cheerfully): Good morning, good morning, good morning, gents! Teas, coffees? Keys, toffees? DOUGLAS: Morning, Arthur. You seem a little low-spirited. ARTHUR: Do I? DOUGLAS (flatly): No. MARTIN: What is it this time? Have the numbers you would have picked in the Lottery come up again? ARTHUR: Oh, that was a great day, wasnt it? Sixty thousand pounds! MARTIN: That you didnt win. ARTHUR: But thats what my numbers were worth! Brilliant! No, no, nothing like that. No, er, lets just say Imreally looking forward to meeting our passenger today. DOUGLAS: Ooh, who is it? Lets see (He consults a sheet of paper.) DOUGLAS: Mr. Arthur Milliner. A stockbroker. Yes, he sounds enormous fun. (Flight deck door opens.) CAROLYN (grumpily): Oh, youre here already. What are you doing in here? MARTIN: Arranging flowers. CAROLYN: Dont get sarcastic with me. MARTIN: Sorry, Carolyn. ARTHUR: Scusey. Back in a minute. (Flight deck door closes.) CAROLYN: Right, youve got clear skies at Helsinki; your alternate is Stockholm; Douglas, you operate out. DOUGLAS: Wilco. Whos this Milliner chap were flying, then? Arthur seems very keen to meet him. CAROLYN: No idea. Internet booking. Payments gone through fine, though, so, er (Flight deck door opens.) ARTHUR: Happy birthday! CAROLYN: Oh! MARTIN: Oh. DOUGLAS: Oh, yes! CAROLYN: You remembered! DOUGLAS: Happy birthday. MARTIN: Yes, happy birthday. ARTHUR: You thought Id forgotten, didnt you?! CAROLYN: Well, I-I wasnt sure. ARTHUR: Of course not! Not a special birthday like this one! CAROLYN: Whats so special about sixty-three? ARTHUR: Well, you know, because of the song. (Singing to the tune of When Im Sixty Four) Do you still like me? / Can you still see me? / Now Im sixty-three! DOUGLAS: Ah, that song. Carolyn, youre aware I had forgotten, arent you? CAROLYN: Yes! Dont worry. I forgot to put any money on your expenses card. Paying for your own hotel room can be your present. DOUGLAS: Thats thats a very big present! CAROLYN: I know! Im such a lucky girl! You shouldnt have(!) MARTIN: I didnt forget. CAROLYN: Didnt you? DOUGLAS: Didnt you? MARTIN: No I hid my present under my seat. Its (He produces the bunch of flowers.) MARTIN: these. CAROLYN: Oh, orchids! How lovely! (Martin laughs nervously.) DOUGLAS: Gosh. How generous of you, Martin. MARTIN: Not that generous. DOUGLAS: Pretty generous. Orchids are very expensive. MARTIN: Quite expensive not all that expensive. DOUGLAS: Youd be surprised. MARTIN: No I wouldnt. DOUGLAS: Yes you will. ARTHUR: My present, though time for my present. CAROLYN: Yes, Im sorry, dear. What is it? ARTHUR: Well, its a pretty special one, and its in the cabin. So, are you ready? CAROLYN: Yes.

ARTHUR: Mum, its been fifteen years since youve seen her, but today, for your birth day, get ready to meet (He opens the flight deck door.) ARTHUR: your sister Ruth! (Long silence.) CAROLYN: Oh. ARTHUR: And her husband Philip, and her grandson Kieran! (Another long silence.) ARTHUR: Hooray! KIERAN (sounding teenaged, with a fairly posh accent): Arent you going to say anything to her, Granny? RUTH (northern English accent): Well, Kieran, when a lady is asked to drive a hundred and fifty miles to meet her sister, she naturally assumes its because her sister has something to say to her. (Slight pause.) RUTH: But evidently not. CAROLYN: Arthur, during your no doubt meticulous planning of this occasion, did it occur to you that if two sisters havent spoken for fifteen years, there might be a reason for it? ARTHUR: No. CAROLYN: Ah. Well, regrettably, youll have to tell your aunt shes wasted her time. Were about to leave for Helsinki and I have much to do. ARTHUR: A-ha! Thats the second part of my present. CAROLYN: What? ARTHUR (excitedly): I booked the trip! So we can all go together! MARTIN: You booked the trip? DOUGLAS: Youre Arthur Milliner? ARTHUR: Yes! MARTIN: Milliner? Why Milliner? ARTHUR: Because its not my name, but it sounds like a name that someone might have. MARTIN: And Arthur? ARTHUR: That was the clever bit! Its the last name youd expect me to use, because it actually is my name! DOUGLAS: To be honest, Arthur, I think the moment you decided to book your aunt on a fake flight to Helsinki, you had us on the back foot, expectations-wise. CAROLYN: Arthur, a word with you in the galley. ARTHUR: I dont want to. CAROLYN: I want you to. (Door closes. [Transcribers note: this doesnt make sense. They must be in the cabin at this point because they cant all be crammed into the flight deck, and the galley is only separa ted from the cabin by a curtain. A rare sound effects gaffe, I think.]) DOUGLAS: Oh dear. This is a little awkward, isnt it? RUTH: Its not awkward for me. DOUGLAS: Oh good(!) Just the rest of us, then. RUTH: No! No, its not awkward for my husband; its not awkward for my grandson. Weve nothing to feel awkward about. We accepted an invitation in good faith. DOUGLAS: So, Philip, what line of work are you in? RUTH: My husbands deaf. DOUGLAS: Ah. That explains much. RUTH: What does it explain? DOUGLAS: W hy he cant hear me. KIERAN: Are you the captain? DOUGLAS: No, Im the first officer. This is the cap MARTIN (interrupting): Im the captain. KIERAN: Youre very young to be a captain. MARTIN (exasperated): Oh, for goodness sake! Youre an actual child! KIERAN: No, I mean, wow! Youre very young to be a captain! Did you display exceptional leadership skills and goal focus? MARTIN: Ah, well, its, er, not for me to say. DOUGLAS (resignedly): And yet, and yet. KIERAN: Because I also displayed exceptional leadership skills and goal focus, and thats a verbatim quote from my report. Are you prepared to share the techniques of your success? MARTIN: Oh, well. Yes, theres probably a tip or two I can pass along. What do you say we have you up on the flight deck once we get underway, eh? KIERAN: I am delighted to accept! (Martin chuckles.)

DOUGLAS: And the small matter of the anti-terrorism laws, Captain? MARTIN (airily): Oh, lets not get too hidebound by rules and regs, eh, Number One? DOUGLAS: Number One? MARTIN: Douglas. RUTH: And when will we be getting under way, might I ask? DOUGLAS: Ah. Of course, not having seen your sister for so long, its possible you may have missed certain subtle signs just now that would warn the experienced Carolyn-watcher not to bank on seeing Helsinki today. Sorry to rain on your parade, Martin. MARTIN: No-no-no, my parades fine. Bone dry. Bad news for the import/export parade, though, Id have thought. I wonder how long fresh orchids keep? DOUGLAS: Ah. Excuse me for a moment. CAROLYN: And how did you even pay for it? ARTHUR: With a credit card online. CAROLYN: You dont have a credit card. ARTHUR: Your credit card. CAROLYN: My credit card?! ARTHUR: No, no, because it doesnt matter, because its your plane, so youre just paying yourself! Its free! CAROLYN: The fuels not free. The landing fees are not free. The business we would have had if Mr. Arthur Idiot Milliner hadnt been hogging the plane isnt free! (Galley curtain opens.) CAROLYN: Ah, Douglas, good. Arthur, go and tell Ruth and her hangers-on to sling their collective hook. ARTHUR: Okay. Sorry, Mum. (Door closes.) CAROLYN: And Douglas, cancel the flight plan. DOUGLAS: Are you sure? CAROLYN: Of course Im sure! Im not spending time and fuel taking my rotten sister on a jolly to Finland. DOUGLAS: You know best but she did come all this way. CAROLYN: Because she smelled a freebie! DOUGLAS: Maybe. She still came, though. And then theres Arthur internet booking, pseudonyms, secret phone calls to Lancashire. Thats a lot of work he put in especially for an idiot. CAROLYN: Douglas, call me a cynical old bat (Douglas draws in a breath.) CAROLYN: Dont even think about it but is it entirely without the bounds of possibility that you have an ulterior motive for this trip going ahead? DOUGLAS: Carolyn, I hope you know me better than that. At any given moment I never have fewer than sevenulterior motives under way; but even so CAROLYN: Would I have to talk to her? DOUGLAS: Flying her to Finland in silence might seem a little eccentric. RUTH: and not just for the petrol, mind; theres Philips loss of earnings to think of; theres general wear and tear (Door opens.) CAROLYN: So. Ruth. RUTH: Im sorry is somebody talking to me? CAROLYN: Yes. Im talking to you. RUTH: Well. Thank you. CAROLYN: For what? RUTH: For accepting you were in the wrong. CAROLYN: I didnt! RUTH: Well, you implicitly did by being the first to speak. CAROLYN: No I didnt! RUTH: Well, you did, so apology accepted. CAROLYN: Apology not given. RUTH: Apology still accepted. Now, what did you want? CAROLYN: All I want is to tell you exactly where you can go, Ruth, and that is DOUGLAS (mildly): Carolyn. CAROLYN: to Helsinki. Would you would you like to go to Helsinki? RUTH: Well, I suppose now were here and youve apologised CAROLYN: I havent. RUTH: All right, then. CAROLYN (not happily): Good.

RUTH: Yes. ARTHUR: Hooray! MARTIN: Incidentally, Arthur: why on earth Helsinki? ARTHUR: Oh, Ive just always wanted to go to Helsinki. It so unds really fun! MARTIN: What have you ever heard about Helsinki? ARTHUR: Nothing! I mean the name! Helsinki! How could you not have fun in Helsinki! Its like half -helterskelter and half-twinkly! DOUGLAS: Ive always thought it sounds like a sink in hell. ARTHUR: Oh, now youve spoiled it. FITTON ATC (over radio): Golf Tango India, join the visual circuit at three thousand feet; turn left, follow your nose, and if you get lost, stop and ask. DOUGLAS: Yes, thank you, Karl. Roger. (Radio off. Flight deck door opens.) ARTHUR: Er, chaps. Er, little chap here said, er, you said he could come up. KIERAN: Im not a little chap! ARTHUR: Yes you are. MARTIN: Oh yes! Come on in, Kieran. ARTHUR: Er, Skipper says you can go in. KIERAN: Yes, I heard him. ARTHUR: Um, its my job to tell you. KIERAN: What a stupid job! ARTHUR: No, youve got a stupid job. KIERAN: Im at school. ARTHUR (defensively): Yeah. (Flight deck door closes.) MARTIN: Kieran! Hello. Sit yourself down there. We call that the jump seat. KIERAN: Yes, I know. MARTIN: Okay. So, this array of screens and dials might look very imposing, but its actually not so verydifferent (Kieran begins to chuckle and continues to do so.) MARTIN: from your dads car. What? KIERAN: Im sorry. Its just I have Microsoft Flight Simulator X Deluxe edition. I do three to four hours training every day. DOUGLAS: Playing, you mean. KIERAN: No I use it as a training tool. DOUGLAS: Mmm, but its a game, so playing. KIERAN: Anyway, Im-Im probably familiar with more flight instrument layouts than you are. MARTIN (laughing): Well, I doubt it, actually. Ive also got Flight Simulator. KIERAN: Oh, which edition? MARTIN (hesitantly): Ninety-five. KIERAN: And how often do you train on it? DOUGLAS: Play on it. MARTIN: Most days. DOUGLAS: Hang on, hang on, Martin. You come home after ten or twelve hours flying an aeroplane and then, to wind down, you sit in front of a computer and pretend to fly an aeroplane? KIERAN: Perfectly sensible procedure. Allows you to revise infrequently-met hazards. MARTIN: Yes! Exactly! You see, Douglas? DOUGLAS: I see that your life meets with the approval of the obsessive fourteen year old boy. KIERAN: Obsessive is just a word the disorganised use for the focussed. DOUGLAS: Its not the only word they use. MARTIN: Ignore him! Just ignore him. Now then: what did you want to ask me? KIERAN: Er (he clears his throat) well. Let me start by getting an idea of your hinterland. What are your outside interests? MARTIN (slowly): Outside of what? KIERAN: Outside flying. MARTIN: Outside flying? KIERAN: Yes. MARTIN: You mean, what else am I interested in apart from flying? KIERAN: Yeah. Like, er, for instance, I have grade seven lute, and Im not even gonna take grade eight, cause my tutor says Id be better off spending the time getting to concert standard. MARTIN: W-well, no, I dont play the lute

KIERAN: And Im an orange belt in karate. DOUGLAS: Orange! Scariest of all the colours. KIERAN: Yeah, well, its scary enough that Im classified as a deadly weapon, and actually forbidden by law from using my skills except in self defence. DOUGLAS: Goodness! How you must long for someone to clip you round the ear. MARTIN: Douglas! RUTH: So: this is your husbands famous executive jet. CAROLYN (drifting into a northern English accent): Its not an executive jet; hes not my husband; and its nothis but otherwise, spot on. RUTH: Mmm. Queer little thing, isnt it? Is the wing supposed to be doing that? CAROLYN: Yes, it is. RUTH: And this noise is normal, is it? CAROLYN: Perfectly normal. RUTH: And is this supposed to come off? CAROLYN: Yes No. Give it to me. RUTH: How is your ex-husband, anyway? CAROLYN: You know very well I dont talk to him. RUTH: Oh, Im sorry. I didnt mean that ex-husband. I meant your other ex-husband. CAROLYN: Hes fine I believe. RUTH: Oh good. I always liked Ian. CAROLYN: Yes, I remember. RUTH: Sorry to put my foot in it. I forgot you have such a complicated life. CAROLYN: I wouldnt call it a complicated life. RUTH: Oh, wouldnt you? What would you call it, then? CAROLYN: A life. (Door opens.) ARTHUR: Hello, Ma! Hello, Aunty Ruth! Catching up? Great. Er, would you like a drink? Orange juice? Coke? CAROLYN: I would like a triple Scotch, and I would very much like to be the one that fetches it. (Sound of her leaving the area.) ARTHUR (quietly): Oh, thats-thats brilliant, actually. Um, Aunty Ruth, wheres the cake? RUTH: What cake? ARTHUR: The birthday cake. Mums birthday cake. RUTH: Well, I dont know. ARTHUR: But didnt you get my email asking you to bring a cake? RUTH: Yes, I got it. I didnt reply, though, did I? ARTHUR: I just thought you might like to bring a cake. RUTH: Why because Im just some stay-at-home housewife whod be only all too ever so pleased to do the baking for Little Miss Businesswoman Carolyn? ARTHUR: No! I-I dont know! Im sorry! I-I just wanted to surprise Mum with a cake. RUTH: Then you should have bought a cake, shouldnt you? ARTHUR: Yes I should! RUTH: Well, then! MARTIN: And that, I think, basically, is-is-is the, er, the-the-the situation in broad terms. KIERAN: Right. In future, its fine just to say you dont know. Okay, next question DOUGLAS: No, I dont think so. Time for you to pop back off to your granny, I rather think. KIERAN: But I havent finished! MARTIN: Yes you have. Douglas is quite right. Were very busy up here. KIERAN: But, Captain, I wanted to ask the secret of your enormous success. MARTIN: Er, would you say enormous success? KIERAN: Of course! Command position by thirty-two thats remarkable! And theres always something to learn from the remarkable. MARTIN: Yes, well, I suppose thats true. I-I wouldnt say it myself but, um well, thats the English disease, isnt it? We dont celebrate our success; we dont blow our own trumpet. DOUGLAS: Can I just say, sir, how inspiring its been to watch you fight that disease? KIERAN: Er, so: first things first. Which flying school did you go to? MARTIN: Ah, you see, my storys even more remarkable than that. I actually p ut myself through my PPL and CPL. KIERAN: Interesting. You didnt even think it was worth applying? MARTIN: Oh, well, I did apply.

KIERAN: And turned down their offer? MARTIN: I didnt I didnt get an offer as such, at the time. KIERAN: Not as such? MARTIN: All right, not at all! So what? I did it the hard way. I did menial jobs and night shifts for years to save up for the flying hours and the instrument rating and then I saved up all over again to do the re -take. KIERAN: You failed your instrument rating? MARTIN: I passed it eventually. (Short pause.) KIERAN: Good for you. Anyway, um, Im sorry to have wasted your time. Ill leave you in peace now. MARTIN: What? No! Dont be like that! Im a captain at thirty-two! We just agreed that was impressive! KIERAN: Hmm its just your career template isnt a close fit with my own. MARTIN: Oh? And whats your career template? KIERAN (clearing his throat briefly and then rattling off his plan) : Christs College, Cambridge; RAF scholarship; two tours of duty; conversion course at Oxford Air Training; twenty years with major airline; retire at forty-five; enter politics; reach Cabinet level within six parliamentary terms. DOUGLAS: And when will it be our pride and privilege to have you as Prime Minister? KIERAN: I assure you I have no Prime Ministerial ambitions unless my colleagues insist that that is where my duty lies. DOUGLAS: Oh God. Youre probably gonna make it, arent you? (Galley curtain opens.) DOUGLAS: Ah, hello, Arthur. Kettle on? ARTHUR (sounding less bouncy than usual): Oh, er, you shouldve rung. Id have-Id have made it. DOUGLAS: No, I wanted a little respite from Junior Mussolini. What on earth are you doing? ARTHUR: Im making a cake. DOUGLAS: Are you? Right. Out of mud and gravel. ARTHUR: Chocolate mousse. We had six individual chocolate mousses left over from Cyprus. I thought if I kind of ground up these amaretto biscuits in them and then put it in a dish on top of the toasted sandwich maker, it would make a sort of DOUGLAS: Ah. It didnt though, did it? ARTHUR: No. DOUGLAS: And whats behind this sudden enthusiasm for patisserie? ARTHUR: Mums birthday! I really wanted to surprise her with a cake. DOUGLAS: I think youll definitely surprise her with that one. (In an airport) CUSTOMS OFFICER (male, Finnish accent): Er, hello, please, sir, welcome to Helsinki. Your passports, please. RUTH: Good lord! This is Helsinki Airport? I didnt realise Helsinki was some two -bit town in the middle of nowhere. I wouldnt have come. CUSTOMS OFFICER: Madam, I can assure you Helsinki is a super-fabulous modern city with two international airports. RUTH: Oh? And this is the smaller one? CUSTOMS OFFICER: This is neither of them. This is Rautavaara Airfield. MARTIN (quietly): Er, Carolyn, I, er, I-I-I assumed youd want the cheapest landing fees, and Mr. Milliner didnt specify well, no, obviously Mr. Milliner didnt specify CAROLYN: No, its fine! RUTH: So, you brought us all this way to sit in an airport for four hours? CAROLYN: Look, it wasnt my idea in the first place! RUTH (her voice fading as she walks away): Ive seen everything now, I really have. CUSTOMS OFFICER: Who is next, please? ARTHUR: Has she gone? Hi. CUSTOMS OFFICER (stamping his passport): Okay, in you go Oh! Oh-ho, oh. What is this strange leaky box? ARTHUR (confidentially): Its a secret. CUSTOMS OFFICER: Okay you know an airport is not a good place to bring secret things into? Let us have a little look inside (He opens the box and cries out in surprise.) CUSTOMS OFFICER: Herra Is! [Literally translates as Lord Father; in English we would probably say, Good God!] What is this, please?! ARTHUR: Its a cake. CUSTOMS OFFICER: It does not look like a cake.

ARTHUR: I know. I added powdered milk to make it less runny .. and it didnt make it less runny. It just made it bigger, and gave it a funny sort of smell. But it is a cake. CUSTOMS OFFICER: Sadly, er, this cake is not welcome to Finland. ARTHUR: What? CUSTOMS OFFICER: You cant bring it in. We have very strict rules about importing foods, and this definitely does not fit into any category we have or will ever have. DOUGLAS: Milo! CUSTOMS OFFICER/MILO: Ah, Dooglass! DOUGLAS: My dear old friend! You dont look a day older than when we first met on that E nglish/Finland school exchange. (Milo chuckles.) DOUGLAS: And to celebrate those dear old days and because luckily I am enormously confident in my masculinity I have bought you a bunch of flowers. MILO: And, er, for my part, I have remembered how much you loved our various fishes of the sea and, er, I have brought you fourteen boxes of them. DOUGLAS: What a thoughtful gift! Now, whats the problem with young Arthur here? MILO: Er, the boy is trying to bring in this bowl of this mainly chocolate thing with This we do not allow. DOUGLAS: Ah, I see. But surely if he pays the new Anglo/Scandinavian Mainly Chocolate Thing import tax I heard about on the news MILO: Ah, yes, yes, yes, of course. Er, one hundred Euros, please. DOUGLAS: One hundred? I heard it was about fifty. MILO: No, no, it is a hundred. DOUGLAS: Well, I was surprised when I heard it, so the next time it was mentioned, I listened really hard, and Idefinitely heard that it was seventy-five. MILO: Okay, seventy-five Euros, please. ARTHUR: Thanks, Douglas. DOUGLAS: My pleasure. (Door opens.) MARTIN: Why, Douglas? Why do we have to go in the caf? KIERAN: Its not even open. DOUGLAS: Its for Arthurs surprise. Hes hiding behind that counter. Hes going to leap out with his sort -of a cake. ARTHUR: Hi, chaps! DOUGLAS: So you two wait here and start singing when I bring Carolyn in. (Martin sighs with exasperation. The door closes.) MARTIN: So, Kieran. Suppose while we wait, dyou have any other questions for me? KIERAN: Thanks. Im fine. MARTIN: You sure? KIERAN: Mmm, yes. Im afraid I rather miscalibrated your utility as a resource. MARTIN: No you didnt! You said yourself, being a captain at thirty-two is remarkable. Thats the exact word you used. KIERAN: Well, that does puzzle me. How old are the other captains? MARTIN: What other captains? KIERAN: In the airline. MARTIN: Im the only captain. KIERAN: But how does that work? Youd have to go on every flight. MARTIN: Yes, of course. Were the pilots. (Door opens.) DOUGLAS: All right? Everyone ready? KIERAN (laughing sarcastically): So when you say that youre the captain, you mean youre the captain out of the two of you? MARTIN: Yes. Whats so funny about that? KIERAN (still amused): Nothing, nothing. Im Of course, that makes sense of everything. MARTIN: What do you mean, everything? KIERAN: Well, the flying school rejection, the instrument rating failure, just the general way you are. MARTIN (furiously): You little DOUGLAS: Martin! KIERAN: Imagine, though: all this time I actually thought you were a proper captain! MARTIN (angrily): Right! DOUGLAS: Martin, no. (Sound of a hand striking the side of a head. Kieran cries out.)

DOUGLAS: Oh dear. Thats really bad. MARTIN (apologetically): Oh no. I-Im sorry. Im s Im really sorry. KIERAN: You hit me! DOUGLAS: Ah, come on. It was just a little clip round the ear. KIERAN: Which means I can do this. Ki-ya! (Martin screams as he is struck.) MARTIN: No! KIERAN: Ki-ya! (Another blow falls.) MARTIN (screaming): Ah, no, please! KIERAN: Ya! MARTIN: Ahh, please! Stop! Im sorry! Im so sorry! KIERAN: Ya! (Martin cries out as the blows continue to fall. The door opens.) CAROLYN: What on earth is going on?! RUTH: Kieran! Not again! Stop that this instant! (Martin sobs.) KIERAN: No-no, Granny, its all right, its all right. He hit me first, honest! RUTH: Of course he didnt hit you first! Your Great-Aunt may put on a lot of airs about this tuppennyhapenny little outfit, but even she wouldnt employ pilots who hit children. CAROLYN: Oh God. KIERAN: He did! He did! He hit me! Douglas, didnt he hit me? DOUGLAS: He may have given you a little clip round the ear. KIERAN: Yeah! He hit me! He gave me a hit in the ear! MARTIN: Clip round! Not-not a hit in; a clip round! RUTH: You! You hit my grandson? MARTIN: He seems okay. RUTH: You hit a defenceless child? MARTIN: Hes not defenceless! Hes definitely not that. RUTH: Right. You can expect to hear from my solicitors. CAROLYN: Oh, dont talk rot. The boys absolutely fine. RUTH: This is child abuse! This could go to the Court of Human Rights! DOUGLAS: I really dont think it could. CAROLYN: You cant sue me. I should sue you for what your little boys done to my pilot. MARTIN: No, please, dont do that. I-I really dont want you to do that. RUTH: Youve done it again, havent you, Carol? CAROLYN: Carolyn. RUTH: Youve done what you always do. Youve bitten off more than you can chew. Run an airline? You couldnt run a sweet shop! CAROLYN (in full northern accent): I didnt want to run the sweet shop. And I never said it was an airline. Its a charter plane, and I can run it. Ive run it for twelve years. RUTH: Yes, and look at the state of it. Your planes falling to bits; youve a Nissen hut for an office; and youve a daft pilot who fights children. Youve messed it up, Carol. Youve made a muck of it, just like at school, and with the shop, and with both your marriages. CAROLYN (upset): I-I-I dont You cant ARTHUR (frantically): Hey! Shut up! You horrible aunt! RUTH: Er, what are you doing here? And what on earth is that bowl of mud?! ARTHUR (angrily): Its a cake! (Splat!) (Ruth screams.) DOUGLAS: And hes just surprised you with it. SWEDEN AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL (over radio): Roger, Golf Tango India, continue as cleared. MARTIN: Thank you, Sweden. (Radio off.) DOUGLAS: So, what do we think of Helsinki, on balance? Twinkly helter-skelter, or sink of hell? MARTIN and CAROLYN: Sink of hell. DOUGLAS: Oh, come on. It wasnt that bad. MARTIN: Carolyn abandoned her sister and great-nephew in an airfield; Arthur paid seventy-five Euros for a bowl of sludge and threw at his aunt. DOUGLAS: And you hit a child. MARTIN: Yes.

CAROLYN: And were beaten up by a child. MARTIN: Yes. DOUGLAS: The same child. MARTIN: All right, Douglas! I was there. DOUGLAS: Yes you were on the ground, squealing for mercy. MARTIN (through gritted teeth): All right! (Knock on the flight deck door.) ARTHUR (from outside): Are you ready? DOUGLAS: Ready! Martin, dim the lights. MARTIN: Right. (Click as he turns the flight deck lights off. The door opens.) ARTHUR (singing): Happy birthday to you (Martin and Douglas join in.) ARTHUR, MARTIN and DOUGLAS: Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday, dear Carolyn/Mum! Happy birthday to you! CAROLYN: Oh, my goodness! Well, you certainly have surprised me with a cake. DOUGLAS: Thought we might. CAROLYN: Perhaps whats most surprising about it is that its a fishcake. ARTHUR: Yes! You see, Douglas said you actually probably were expecting a normal cake a bit, werent you? CAROLYN: A bit, maybe. ARTHUR: Yeah! So even if we had one and we dont have one it wouldnt be a proper surprise, whereas this would be. CAROLYN: Yes, it is! And-and these ARTHUR: They didnt have candles in the airport shop. Er, they only had CAROLYN: cigarettes. ARTHUR: Yeah, yeah. And theres only twenty because CAROLYN: they come in packs of twenty. ARTHUR: Well, partly that, but also, as it turns out, thats as many cigarettes as you can stick in a fishcake. DOUGLAS: Every day a new nugget of knowledge. CAROLYN: Its lovely, Arthur. Thank you very much indeed. ARTHUR: Youre welcome. CAROLYN: And thank you for my orchids, Martin. Theyre beautiful though not quite as plentiful as the ones I saw Douglas giving that customs officer hes in love with. DOUGLAS: Though, interestingly, about the same price. Oh, and heres my present. CAROLYN: I thought youd forgotten. DOUGLAS: Oh, you didnt fall for that, did you? No my present can be seen if you look out to your right. MARTIN and CAROLYN (awestruck): Ohhh! CAROLYN: Theyre beautiful! MARTIN: Wow! Ive never seen them before. DOUGLAS: Pretty, arent they? ARTHUR: What? What are we looking at? DOUGLAS: Your other right, Arthur. ARTHUR: Oh, wow! Brilliant! CAROLYN: Though Im not sure you can claim to have arranged for the Northern Lights to be switched on for me. DOUGLAS: All Im saying is: if anyone you knew could, who would it be? CAROLYN: Well, thank you very much. ARTHUR (sadly): Theyve rather put my fishcake in the shade. DOUGLAS: It is, of course, a joint present from the two of us. MARTIN: Hey! DOUGLAS: All right, the three of us. (Flight deck door opens.) PHILIP (northern English accent): Erm, hello. CAROLYN: Philip! We we didnt know you were back there! DOUGLAS: Rigorous cross-check of the cabin, was it, Arthur? CAROLYN: Philip, I-I dont know how to tell you this. We-weve left Ruth and Kieran in Helsinki. PHILIP: Oh. Well done you. (He chuckles.) DOUGLAS: Hang on: I thought you were deaf? PHILIP: Shh. Its a secret.

SEASON 2 EPISODE 2: Gdansk

(Flight deck door opens.) MARTIN: Hello, Carolyn. CAROLYN: Listen to this! This chamber orchestra were picking up listen to what their conductors put under Any Special Requirements: The first violins will not sit together; the second violins will not sit apart. The harpist will ignore you unless your aura is orange; there is nothing you can do to make your aura more orange. The tubist must on no account be given alcohol; the conductor must at all times be given alcohol. He will also require the toilet to himself for an hour before landing. And, most importantly, the bassoonist, Madame Szyszko-Bohusz, will be working under the presumption that you are trying to kill her unless proved otherwise, so avoid approaching her with blunt instrum ents, sharp knives or hot liquids. Terrific! How am I supposed to serve her dinner? DOUGLAS: Carefully. This week: Gdansk! MARTIN (into radio): Amsterdam, Golf Tango India. With you flight level three-three-zero. AMSTERDAM ATC: Golf Tango India, radar identified. Continue as cleared. ARTHUR: Okay, heres another list. Uh, everyone ready? Get set: the Seven Deadly Sins. MARTIN: Yes! I know these! I know them! (Sound of frantic scribbling.) DOUGLAS: Ah, the deadly sin of Pride. MARTIN: Stop it, Douglas! Youre making it easier for Carolyn! DOUGLAS: Ah, the deadly sin of Envy. MARTIN: Douglas, stop it now. DOUGLAS: Ah, the deadly sin of Anger! MARTIN: Stop it! CAROLYN: Done! MARTIN (making an angry noise): Douglas was distracting me! DOUGLAS: And done. MARTIN: Oh! ARTHUR: Okay, lets see. Um, yeah, Douglas got em all. MARTIN: (exasperated sigh) ARTHUR: Uh, Mums got oh. Sorry, Mum, theres no Wrath. (He pronounces it rath.) CAROLYN: You mean Wrath. (She pronounces it roth.) Of course there is. ARTHUR: No, Im sorry. According to this book theres no Rath or Roth. And youve missed out Anger. CAROLYN: That is Wrath, you idiot child! Have you never heard of Wrath? DOUGLAS: Youve certainly witnessed it often enough. MARTIN: Sorry, Carolyn, we have to go by the book, Im afraid, so I come second. ARTHUR: Yeah, looks like it, Skip. Uh, let me just check Oh, bad luck. Youve got Lust down twice. MARTIN: Oh, for DOUGLAS: Naughty Captain Crieff! Which one did he miss out? ARTHUR: Uh, Pride. DOUGLAS: Irony upon ironies. MARTIN: Lets do another. Im gonna win this one. DOUGLAS: Are you now? Then perhaps we should make it a little more interesting. MARTIN: Im not betting, Douglas. Ive told you. DOUGLAS: Why not? MARTIN: Because I always B-Because its beneath my dignity as a captain. ARTHUR: Ill bet with you, Douglas. CAROLYN: No you wont. ARTHUR: Oh, but Mum ! CAROLYN: Dont Oh, but Mum me. Who owns your car? ARTHUR: Douglas does. CAROLYN: Well, then? ARTHUR: He still lets me drive it. DOUGLAS: And at a very competitive hourly rate. MARTIN: All right, no-ones betting anyone anything. Arthur, what is it? ARTHUR (rifling through his book): Um . okay, heres one. On your marks, get set: the Seven Dwarves. (Sounds of scribbling.) DOUGLAS: Martin, dont forget Lusty.

MARTIN (through gritted teeth): Shut up! CAROLYN: Done! MARTIN: Oh, he distracted me again! DOUGLAS: Done. MARTIN: Oh okay, this is unfair. ARTHUR: Yeah, Douglas got em all. MARTIN: (exasperated noise) ARTHUR: And Mums got oh, Mum! Theres no Loopy! CAROLYN: Isnt there? Whats his name, then, the stupid one? ARTHUR: Well, I-I cant tell you until Martins handed his in. MARTIN: Oh, yes! I could still win! DOUGLAS: I think youll find I won. MARTIN: I could still come second! DOUGLAS: Second from last. MARTIN: I could still not lose. CAROLYN: How many have you got? MARTIN: Six. CAROLYN: Ah, same as me. Have you got the stupid one? MARTIN: Yes. CAROLYN: What is it? MARTIN: Its (He stops himself and laughs.) No! (He chuckles.) CAROLYN: Well, it was worth a try. Um, Silly? Dummy? Dizzy? Ditzy? Arthur? ARTHUR (indignantly): Mum! (Someones service bell bongs three times.) CAROLYN (exasperated): Oh, for Gods sake! (The bell bongs again three times.) CAROLYN: If those jumped-up buskers cant learn to leave the service bell alone, I swear Ill cut off their thumbs! DOUGLAS: Come fly the friendly skies. CAROLYN: Id better go. What was it, then, Arthur, the last Dwarf? MARTIN: No, dont tell her. Im gonna remember my last one before you remember yours. CAROLYN: Oh, for goodness sake, Martin, how childish. Dont you dare help him, Douglas. DOUGLAS: Scouts honour. CAROLYN: Right, lets see what the loonies want now. Ooh, Loony! ARTHUR: No. (The bell bongs again three times.) CAROLYN: Madam. What seems to be the problem? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ (European accent your guess is as good as mine what nationality shes supposed to be): Someone has tampered with my arm-rests. Who is responsible? CAROLYN: Ah-ha. And you must be the bassoonist, Madame Szyszko (She struggles with the pronunciation.) MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Szyszko-Bohusz. CAROLYN: Gesundheit. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: And how do you know Im bassoonist? Have you been spying on me? CAROLYN: No, madam, but your conductor described you rather vividly. And I wont pretend it didnt help that youre sitting next to a bassoon. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Never am I separated from my bassoon. CAROLYN: Oh, the clingy type, is it? Now, then, whats wrong with your arm -rests? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: You tell me what is wrong with arm-rests. CAROLYN: With great pleasure. In a word: nothing. In six words: nothing is wrong with your arm-rests. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Thats seven words. CAROLYN: Arm-rests is hyphenated. Well, Im glad weve had this chat. Ill see you later. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Mine are higher than the others! CAROLYN: I think not. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: But somebodys tampered with them! CAROLYN: May I ask who and why or, if you prefer, whom and whym? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Listen. I am one of worlds leading bassoonists and, believe me, there are many bassoonists whod be very pleased to see me come to no good. CAROLYN: And doubtless one or two cabin crew. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: So, what are you going to do? CAROLYN: What am I going to do about your theory that, before take-off, a bassoonist or bassoonists

unknown broke into the aircraft, selected this seat, fractionally elevated the arm-rests and slunk off to await the to me obscure but to them presumably inevitable and deadly consequences? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Yes. CAROLYN: I am going to suggest you swap seats with your bassoon. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Ah. MARTIN: Come on, Douglas. DOUGLAS: No. MARTIN: Please? DOUGLAS: Sorry. MARTIN: Just tell me! Ive gotta get my last Dwarf before Carolyn gets hers. DOUGLAS: Theres a phrase you dont hear so much since the dwarf -hunting ban. MARTIN: You dont have to say anything. Just show me your list. DOUGLAS: I couldnt possibly. I gave Carolyn Scouts honour. MARTIN: Youre not a Scout! DOUGLAS: You know what they say: once a Scout, always a Scout. MARTIN: You were never a Scout. DOUGLAS: You know what they say: never a Scout, always a Scout. MARTIN: Come on, Douglas! I just want to win something for once! DOUGLAS: Ah, well, if thats what you want MARTIN: No. DOUGLAS: lets see: twenty quid says MARTIN: No. DOUGLAS: the ATC at Warsaw is female. MARTIN: Douglas, I told you, Im not betting Female? DOUGLAS: Yep. MARTIN: But theyre nearly all male. DOUGLAS: Well, then, youll probably win, wont you? MARTIN: You must know something. You must somehow know whos on duty. DOUGLAS: How could I possibly know a thing like that? So, are we on? MARTIN: Not for money. DOUGLAS (sighing): Have it your way. I bet you the cheese tray. MARTIN: Not the whole tray. The Emmental. DOUGLAS: The Brie. MARTIN: Fine. I bet you the Brie that Warsaw Control is female. DOUGLAS: No, I said I bet shes female. MARTIN: I know you did, but since you dont know either way, you wont mind taking the more likely bet, will you? DOUGLAS: No. No, I wont. MARTIN: Good! Then I bet you shes female. DOUGLAS: Youre on. MARTIN (into radio): Warsaw Control, Golf Tango India. Could we have the latest Gdansk weather, please? WARSAW ATC (male): Golf Tango India MARTIN: Oh! WARSAW ATC: Wind shifting twelve, three quarters visibility, scattered thunderclouds. MARTIN (furious): Bloody hell! WARSAW ATC: Well, Im sorry. Theyre quite little thunderclouds. MARTIN: Roger, Warsaw. (Radio off.) MARTIN: I thought you knew it was a woman. DOUGLAS: No. I just relied on you assuming I did. Never mind, Martin. You lose some (He pauses for a long moment.) DOUGLAS: dont you? MARTIN: The expression is, You win some, you lose some. DOUGLAS: Thats the expression, yes. MARTIN: Come on, I win things sometimes. DOUGLAS: Do you, Captain? MARTIN: Y-Yes I do, First Officer. Dont forget that, hmm? If Im such a loser, how come Im the one with four stripes on my arm? DOUGLAS: Ah, there you have me. MARTIN: Well, I am, and thats when Im at work, mind you, not just round the house to impress my wife. DOUGLAS (furious): How dare you bring that up?

MARTIN (embarrassed): Douglas DOUGLAS: I revealed something deeply personal and private to you in a moment of vulnerability and you use it as a cheap shot. MARTIN: Im really sorry, Douglas. I didnt mean to No, wait a minute, thats not what happened. You didnt reveal anything to me. I caught you out by accident after youd done everything you could to hide it. DOUGLAS: Nevertheless MARTIN: No, theres no nevertheless. That makes it fair game. Hows it any different from all the things you constantly tease me about, like my height, or the number of goes I took to get my CPL, or the time I landed with the brakes on? DOUGLAS: Theyre all funny. MARTIN: Well, its funny you pretending to your wife youre a captain. It doesnt stop it being funny just because its about you. DOUGLAS: Yes it does. MARTIN: No it doesnt! (Service bell bongs five times.) CAROLYN: Ms Szyszko-Bohusz, we meet again. Dont be shy about ringing that service bell, by the way. I dont want you to be worried about annoying me. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Im not. CAROLYN: Now thats a weight off my mind. Now then, how can I help? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: What is this on my cashew nuts? CAROLYN: Are you can you be pointing at the salt? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: This does not look like the salt I know! CAROLYN: And what does it look like? Tiny transparent hand grenades? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: It looks like broken glass! CAROLYN: Its salt! MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Salt does not look this way! Salt is little round balls. These are big jagged CAROLYN: Oh, for pitys sake! (Sound of Carolyn snatching up a cashew and, presumably, putting it in her mouth.) CAROLYN: Satisfied? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: You have eaten my cashews. CAROLYN: I have eaten one of your cashews. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: There were only five in the packet. CAROLYN: Now there are only four. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Can I have more cashews? CAROLYN: My pleasure. With salt or broken glass? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Salt. With salt. Only with salt! CAROLYN: I will make a note of it. AMSTERDAM ATC (over radio): Golf Tango India, contact Maastricht on frequency one-two-six decimal five. (Silence.) AMSTERDAM ATC: Golf Tango India, this is Amsterdam, do you read me? (Silence.) AMSTERDAM ATC: Golf Tango India, this is Amsterdam. I say again, do you read me? (Sound of Martin violently and noisily exhaling. He gasps a couple of times.) MARTIN (breathless): Golf Tango India. Apologies, Amsterdam. Microphone intermittent. Roger Maastricht on one-two-six decimal five. (He groans as he catches his breath. Douglas exhales noisily.) DOUGLAS: Oh, bad luck, Captain. MARTIN: Look, that doesnt count. I was answering ATC. DOUGLAS: Sorry, Martin. The bet was just who could hold their breath longest. So thats the Brie, Roquefort and the squidgy one in the foil packet to me. (Martin groans plaintively.) DOUGLAS: Just the Emmental and the crackers still in play. (Flight deck door opens.) ARTHUR: Coffee, gents? And, uh, message from Mum: have you forgotten to turn the seatbelt signs off, you pair of Have you forgotten to turn the seatbelt signs off? DOUGLAS: No, no, not forgotten, no. ARTHUR: Oh! Passenger Derby?! DOUGLAS: We thought so, yes. ARTHUR: Great! Can I do the commentary? DOUGLAS: If youd be so kind.

ARTHUR: Brilliant! Hang on. (Flight deck door closes. Beep from the intercom.) ARTHUR (over intercom): Okay, chaps, ready. MARTIN: So this is for the Emmental? DOUGLAS: Well Arthur? What are the puddings today? ARTHUR: Oh, um, strudel and cheesecake. DOUGLAS: Perfect. Martin, I see your Emmental and I raise you my cheesecake. MARTIN: I see your cheesecake with my strudel. DOUGLAS: Excellent! All right, Arthur, take us through the runners and riders. ARTHUR: Thank you, Douglas! Well, welcome to the five thirty-five from up in the air. The conditions are perfect, the seatbelt signs been on for over forty minutes, Ive been round with the drinks trolley twice, a nd theyre really squirming for the off. The favourites, of course, are the runners in Row A today the trombone player who looks like Winston Churchill and the little clarinettist with the head thats too big for him. Who do you want, Skip? MARTIN: Who looks keenest? ARTHUR: Well, theyre both pretty wriggly. Uh, but the trombonist is making little meowing noises. MARTIN: Ill take him. ARTHUR: Uh, Douglas? DOUGLAS: Wheres the older lady in the Harry Potter glasses? ARTHUR: Uh, Row C. DOUGLAS: Okay, Ill take her. I happened to watch her claiming overhead luggage space and it was a very promising display. Some really useful elbow work. MARTIN: Ah, well, its not fair if youve already DOUGLAS: Too late. (Bing as he turns off the seatbelt sign.) ARTHUR: And theyre off! And its Trombone Churchill taking an early lead. He had his seatbelt undone behind his paper. Classic manoeuvre there. But hes slow out of the chair and its Little Bighead whos up in the aisle first. Little Bighead looking strong but, oh! Hes tangled with a stray cellist! And now Trombone Churchills making up ground! But whos this streaking up on the outside? Its Harry Potters Granny! Shes past Little Bighead, shes past Wandering Cellist! And in the final straight its neck and neck between Trombone Churchill and Potters Gran! Potters Gran and Trombone Churchill as they reach the door and oh! Trombone Churchill takes an elbow to the gut and its Potters Gran! Shes in and shes safe! DOUGLAS: Yes! MARTIN: Nooo! ARTHUR: Bad luck, Skip. Not your day. MARTIN (miserably): Not my life. ARTHUR: Good evening, madam. Beef or trout? FEMALE PASSENGER: Beef, please. ARTHUR: And for you, madam? Beef or trout? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Who are you? ARTHUR: Arthur. Oh, I mean, um, my name is Arthur, Im privileged to be serving yourself as part of your onboard team onboard today onboard. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: No. No, this is no good. Where is the old woman? ARTHUR: Right. I dont know who you mean by that, madam, but I wouldnt call her an old woman. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ (calling out): Old woman! ARTHUR: Oh dear. (The service bell dings repeatedly.) CAROLYN: Yes, yes, yes, ring out wild bells in the wild sky. (The bell continues dinging.) CAROLYN: And who, I wonder, is the wild bell ringer? Who could it possibly be? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Its me, its me! See, my light is on! CAROLYN: And yet nobodys home. My dear Ms Szyszko-Bohusz, how can I help you? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: This boy. Who is this boy? I have not seen this boy before. CAROLYN: And your theory, no doubt, is that the Bassoonist Black-Hand Gang, having been cruelly foiled in the matter of the arm-rests and the cashew nuts, have sent him to serve you a poisoned trout. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Do you not believe I have enemies? CAROLYN: On the contrary, I find that astonishingly easy to believe. This, however, is not one of them. This is my son Arthur, and I promise you he couldnt hurt a fly. ARTHUR: Thanks, Mum! CAROLYN: Because the fly would outwit him. If you will excuse me, I have a violinist fight to arbitrate. Ooh, and Arthur, Goofy?

ARTHUR: What? CAROLYN: The thing we were talking about earlier in the flight deck. The last one of seven. Its Goofy, isnt it? ARTHUR: Oh! No, Mum. Goofy! (He laughs.) MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: What was that? Whats going on? CAROLYN: Oh, nothing, nothing, doesnt matter. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Its a code, isnt it? What does it mean? Whats happening? CAROLYN: No, really, nothing. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Do you think I dont know about these codes? I know all about them. Inspector Sands: fire in the theatre. Mr. Westman: bomb on a train. Whats Goofy? CAROLYN: It was just a private remark MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: What does it mean? You must tell me now. CAROLYN: Yes, youre quite right. Thats what we do. We alert crew to emergencies, not with the convenient intercom in the galley but by furtively whispering the names of Disney characters at each other. Donald Duck means lethal bird strike; Dumbo means pilots dropped his magic feather; Shere Khan means tiger in the flight deck You happy now? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: No. What is Goofy? CAROLYN: Goofy is a cartoon cow. ARTHUR: Mum! Hes a dog! (Flight deck door opens.) ARTHUR: Here we are, gents. Uh, cheesecake for you, Douglas, and strudel for you Douglas. DOUGLAS: Thank you, Arthur, and thank you, Martin. MARTIN (sulkily): Enjoy it. I didnt want it anyway. DOUGLAS: Isnt that lucky? MARTIN: I mean it. Strudels horrible. No-one likes strudel. DOUGLAS: I refute your argument thus: strudels terrific. Everyone likes strudel. MARTIN: All right, then. I bet you more of the passengers choose cheesecake than strudel. DOUGLAS: Very well. I bet you twenty quid more of the punters pick strudel than cheesecake. ARTHUR: There you go, Skip, your lucks changing. You cant lose this one. Cheesecakes always more popular. MARTIN: Oh no. Must be a trick. He must know something. DOUGLAS: What could I possibly know? MARTIN: Well, I dunno. The orchestras sponsored by the Anglo-Polish Strudel Appreciation Society, or the International League Against Cheesecake. DOUGLAS: Well, you can take strudel if you like. MARTIN: Yes, Ill take strudel. DOUGLAS: Fine. MARTIN: No, hang on, this is how you diddled me with the female Air Traffic Controllers. ARTHUR: Crikey! MARTIN: You made me pick the bad bet. You want me to pick strudel. I want cheesecake. DOUGLAS: Fine. Its yours. MARTIN: Hang on! That was too easy! You knew Id work that out! I want strudel. DOUGLAS: Are you sure? MARTIN: Yes. No! Yes! So therefore no. No. Yes! Strudel? DOUGLAS: Strudel? All right, then, youre on. MARTIN (despairingly): Oh God! Ive ended up with strudel! No-one likes strudel! DOUGLAS: Seems an odd choice, certainly. Id have picked cheesecake. MARTIN: (frustrated sound) ARTHUR: Cheer up, Skipper. You never know your luck. MARTIN: I always know my luck. ARTHUR: Well, I wouldnt be too sure of that, Skip. MARTIN: Yes. Arthur, what are you doing with your face? ARTHUR: Im winking. MARTIN: Youre only supposed to use one eye. ARTHUR: I know, but I can only do that if I hold the other one open with my finger, and I thought Douglas would notice. DOUGLAS: Youre making the mistake of thinking Douglas cares. ARTHUR: Cheesecake or strudel, madam? And may I especially recommend the strudel? Its a lovely strudel. FEMALE PASSENGER: Yes, all right, the strudel.

ARTHUR: Good choice! And-and for you, madam? Theres our splendid strudel tender delicious slices of piping hot apple with a rich golden-brown crust; or a bit of old cheesecake. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Whats the cheesecake like? ARTHUR: Well, you know, cheesecakey. Theyre all much of a muchness, cheesecakes, arent they? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: What flavour is it? ARTHUR: I dont know. Im not sure it even has a flavour. Cheesecake flavour. The strudel is apple. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: It must have a flavour. ARTHUR: Uh, lets see. Rasp-berry. Eugh. Sounds awful. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Raspberry. ARTHUR: Oh, yeah. Still. Boring! MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Ill have the cheesecake, please. ARTHUR (whispering): Dont have the cheesecake. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: What? Why not? ARTHUR (whispering): I cant tell you why, but dont! MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ (binging her service bell repeatedly): Everybody! Stop eating the cheesecake! Its poisoned! The cheesecake is poisoned! (Murmurs of concern from the passengers.) CAROLYN: Uh, ladies-ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, if I can have your attention for a moment. I must apologise for my junior cabin attendants slightly o ver-zealous promotion of the strudel today. What can I say? The boy loves a strudel, and the strudel is certainly excellent as, however, is the cheesecake. They are both delicious and non-poisonous choices. Thank you. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: You eat some, then. CAROLYN: I beg your pardon? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: If its so safe, lets see you eat a slice. Now! (Sounds of agreement from the passengers.) MALE PASSENGER: You eat it! CAROLYN: Arthur, eat some cheesecake. ARTHUR: Best order ever! (He tucks in.) CAROLYN: You see? A revolting display but, I hope, a reassuring one. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Look, everyone! She wont eat it! That must be what Goofy means. Its airline code for poison in the cheesecake! CAROLYN: Its not poisoned! MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Well, eat it, then. MALE PASSENGER: Yes, go on! CAROLYN: I dont want to. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Ha! MALE PASSENGER: Why not? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Yes, why not? CAROLYN: Because its horrible, all right? Its not poisoned, its just revolting. Tastes l ike the pink stuff you bite into at the dentist, laid on a bed of fish tank gravel. And if it was ever even shown a picture of a raspberry, it wasnt looking. But it is not poisoned. DOUGLAS: A little underhand, wasnt it, Martin asking Arthur to cheat for you? MARTIN: I didnt ask him to. It was all his idea. I won fair and square. DOUGLAS: Did you? (Intercom on.) DOUGLAS: Arthur, how many people went for the strudel in the end? ARTHUR (over intercom): Uh, five. DOUGLAS: And the cheesecake? ARTHUR: Eight. MARTIN: What?! Even though they thought it was poisoned?! ARTHUR: Sorry, Skip. Everyone hates strudel. (Martin groans.) DOUGLAS: Thatll be twenty quid, please, Captain. MARTIN: Right. Double or quits. I bet you I bet you I can land in Gdansk on time . DOUGLAS: No, that was the last bet. Rien ne va plus. MARTIN: Y-you cant stop now. DOUGLAS: Sorry. Bored of betting, and I need to devote my attention to consuming this mountain of tiny cheeses. MARTIN: Fifty quid! A hundred! DOUGLAS: Sorry, Martin, nothing doing.

MARTIN: Afraid of losing, are you? DOUGLAS: Looking back on our time together today, Martin, do you think thats what Im afraid of? MARTIN: Well, Im sure we can find something of mine you want. How about my spare captains epaulets? Helena must be wondering why yours are so worn out. DOUGLAS (angrily): All right, Sonny Jim. A months salary. MARTIN: What? DOUGLAS: You heard. You wanna bet? Well bet. A months salary says you dont land on time. MARTIN: I didnt mean A months salarys a bit DOUGLAS: Youre right. We might as well do it properly. Three months salary. MARTIN: No! I didnt mean DOUGLAS: I thought you wanted to bet. I thought you wanted to win at something. MARTIN: Your salary or mine? DOUGLAS: Yours if you lose; mine if I lose. Are we on? MARTIN: Youll just radio an emergency or something. DOUGLAS: No, no tricks. Im quite happy to rely on your natural bad luck and incompetence. Are we on? MARTIN: Were on. ATC (over radio): Golf Tango India, for your information, Speed Bird zero-zero-seven has reported thundercloud build-up on your route fifty miles ahead. Advise your intentions. MARTIN (wearily): Golf Tango India, will advise. (Radio off.) MARTIN: Douglas, how did you make there be a thunderstorm? DOUGLAS: I fear you may be confusing me with Thor. Though of course I do seem to remember, when you asked Warsaw for the weather earlier, something about scattered thunderclouds. But, because Im wonderful, I tell you what Ill do: Ill offer you a different stake. MARTIN: Go on. DOUGLAS: Instead of three months salary, you may bet me all rights in perpetuity to the story of me letting Helena believe Im a captain. MARTIN: What do you mean? DOUGLAS: I mean if you lose, you never ever get to tell, mention, allude to or hint at that story, so long as we both shall live. Understand? MARTIN: Yes. DOUGLAS: I take it were on? MARTIN: No. DOUGLAS: What? MARTIN: I need that story. I have to have something, and now Ive tasted having something, I cant go back. DOUGLAS: And youll pay three months salary for the privilege? MARTIN: Or Ill fly through the thunderstorm. I havent decided yet. CAROLYN: So, Madame S-B MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: My name is Szyszko-Bohusz. CAROLYN: Believe me, I shall remember it as long as I live. Now then, I have eaten the cheesecake, Arthur has eaten the cheesecake. ARTHUR: Four slices. CAROLYN: And we remain both hale and hearty Arthur disgustingly so. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Yes, Im-Im sorry. Sometimes I get a little, uh, what is the word? Deranged? CAROLYN: I suspect not the one you mean, but a good one nevertheless. Listen to me: I am in charge of your safety. I am a terrifically wise and capable woman with many years flying experience, and I personally guarantee that all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well, all right? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Yes, all right. Except my service bell, it seems to have stopped working. CAROLYN: Imagine that! MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: But still, in an emergency CAROLYN: In an emergency, madam, you can tootle your bassoon. MARTIN (over cabin address): Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, Captain Crieff here speaking. We should be landing in Gdansk in just under twenty minutes. I apologise for our delayed arrival. We had to divert around a thunderstorm en route. Cabin crew: twenty minutes to landing. DOUGLAS: Bad luck, Captain. MARTIN: I had to go round it. DOUGLAS: Fine. MARTIN: It would have been reckless not to. DOUGLAS: You dont have to justify it to me.

MARTIN: You accept the bets off, then? DOUGLAS: No. MARTIN: But, Douglas, it was a thunderstorm! DOUGLAS: God moves in mysterious ways in order to do lovely things for Douglas Richardson. But, because I am even more wonderful than previously stated, my earlier offer still stands. Promise never to mention my wifes mis-apprehension ever again and were all square. MARTIN: No. DOUGLAS: Really? Youd rather pay me three months salary? MARTIN: Yes, I would. In fact, Ill give it to you now. DOUGLAS: Well, you cant MARTIN: Nothing plus nothing is nothing; add another nothing and thats a grand total of bugger -all. DOUGLAS: What are you talking about? MARTIN: I dont have a salary. (He sighs.) Look, when I had my interview with Carolyn, it wasnt to be captain, it was to be first officer, and by the end I (he groans) I could see I wasnt gonna get it, so I said last-ditch try I said Id work for half of whatever she gave the last guy, and this funny light came into her eyes and she said, A third, and I said, No, and there were some pretty heavy negotiations and we agreed on a quarter, only then when I was leaving she said, How little would you take to be captain? and after some more negotiation, we decided I would be captain and she wouldnt pay me at all. My salary is nothing. And three times nothing is nothing. So so, so! Ive tricked you! Ha! Yeah! Now youre the loser! DOUGLAS: Yes. The point of that story certainly is that Im the loser. Bad luck, Martin. MARTIN (plaintively): Why cant I ever win something ever?! Being someone who doesnt win often I could take that. DOUGLAS: Well, obviously I cant help you with that but, changing the subject entirely, are you feeling quite well? MARTIN: Yeah, just miserable. DOUGLAS: Cause you look rather poorly. MARTIN: No, no, Im fine. DOUGLAS: I dont know, Martin. Youre looking very pale positively snow white. MARTIN: What? DOUGLAS: I was wondering if you had that nasty bug thats going around the one with the seven symptoms. MARTIN (finally catching on): I might have that, yes. Ive, uh, Ive definitely got some of them. DOUGLAS: I thought so. For instance, you might have been feeling rather lethargic? MARTIN: Yes, Ive got that one that symptom. DOUGLAS: Right. Lethargic, perhaps, to the point of feeling groggy, slow-witted, as if drugged? MARTIN (chuckling): Yes, Ive got that too. DOUGLAS: Then theres the mood swings. One minute youre euphoric; the next youre oddly irritable. MARTIN (laughing): Yes, both of them. Thats four. DOUGLAS: Right. Er, there are physical symptoms too: inflammation of the nasal passages leading to bouts of MARTIN: Yeah, got him that. DOUGLAS: And, of course, that can make you feel self-conscious. MARTIN: What? DOUGLAS: Shy. MARTIN: Oh! Yeah, got that one. DOUGLAS: Right. So my advice to you is that you seek out a health care professional. MARTIN: Douglas, if youre just tormenting me DOUGLAS: No, Martin, listen. If you have those six symptoms, I strongly recommend you seek out a medic. MARTIN: Just tell me! DOUGLAS: I cant tell you, Martin. I promised, Scouts honour. The person who can tell you is a G.P! A quack! A sawbones! MARTIN: What?! DOUGLAS: Someone who can tell you, in the immortal words of Bugs Bunny, Whats up? MARTIN: Ohhhhh! (The orchestras Conductor flushes and comes out of the toilet.) MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Ah, Maestro, a pleasant hour? CONDUCTOR: Ah, most satisfactory, thank you. You are feeling calmer, madam? I gather you had a troubled flight. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Oh, Maestro, you have no idea, with the arm-rests and the big salt and the Disney code and the cheesecake! But the old woman shes rude and ill-favoured but somehow I trust her. All is well. There is nothing to worry about.

CONDUCTOR: Uh, good. (Bing-bong.) MARTIN (over cabin address): This is Captain Crieff with an urgent message for the cabin crew. Sleepy, Dopey, Happy, Grumpy, Sneezy, Bashful, Doc. Thank you! (Madame Szyszko-Bohusz draws in a huge breath and begins blowing her bassoon frantically.)

SEASON 2 EPISODE 3: Ipswich

This week, Ipswich! DOUGLAS (into radio): Golf Tango India, continue as cleared. Thank you, Shannon. (Radio off.) MARTIN: Dyou want any more of this one, Douglas? DOUGLAS: No, I dont think so. I think Im done. MARTIN: All right. (Calling loudly) Arthur! (Flight deck door opens.) ARTHUR: Yes, Skip? MARTIN: Cheese tray is now open to Arthurs. ARTHUR: Oh, brilliant! Thanks, chaps. Oh, wow! Almost a whole squidgy one! (Sound of him unwrapping the squidgy one and eating it.) ARTHUR (with his mouth full): Its funny. This is like something I saw on a wildlife show last night. DOUGLAS: I was just thinking something similar myself. ARTHUR: No, it was these, um, African hunting dogs; and what theyve got is theyve got an alpha dog, er, beta dogs and amigo dogs. MARTIN: Amigo dogs? DOUGLAS: Surely youve heard of amigo dogs? Spanish breed; very friendly. Often found in threes. MARTIN: Omega? Dyou mean omega? ARTHUR: Oh, yeah, maybe. Anyway, when they kill something, the alpha dog eats as much as he wants first; then the beta dogs have a go; and then the amigo dogs have the leftovers. And thats like us, isnt it? MARTIN: Well, not really, because Douglas and I share the cheese tray. ARTHUR: So? MARTIN: Well, so the alpha dog and the beta dog are eating together. DOUGLAS: And which is which, pray? MARTIN: I think thats perfectly obvious, dont you? DOUGLAS: Yes I do. MARTIN: So do I. DOUGLAS: Good. ARTHUR: No-no I-I meant youre the two beta dogs. MARTIN: What? ARTHUR: Because Mum always has the Camembert off the tray before I bring it in. MARTIN: What?! DOUGLAS: Theres Camembert?! We never get any Camembert. ARTHUR: though, thinking about it, that is a secret. MARTIN (loudly): Carolyn! (Flight deck door opens.) CAROLYN: Gentlemen! DOUGLAS: Carolyn, we have a complaint. CAROLYN: Oh dear me. Tell you what: why dont you write it down, put it in an envelope, tear it in half, throw it away, and shut your face? In the meantime, attend: are you busy on Monday? MARTIN and DOUGLAS (simultaneously): Yes. CAROLYN: Quite right; full marks. Now, prepare to learn what it is you will be busy doing. MARTIN: No, Carolyn Mondays a day off. Its been on the wall chart for ages. CAROLYN: Wall charts can lie, Martin. Notoriously deceitful, the wall chart. Anyway, on Monday youll be delighted to learn I have booked us a refresher SEP course. MARTIN: Oh, no! DOUGLAS (protesting): Carolyn! ARTHUR: Er, whats a that? MARTIN: Safety and Emergency Procedures. Amongst other things, jumping into a cold swimming pool in uniform and scrambling into life rafts. ARTHUR: Brilliant!

MARTIN: No, thats a bad (He sighs.) Oh, never mind. DOUGLAS: Carolyn, I dont need a refresher. CAROLYN: Course you do. Procedures change, Douglas. Aircraft change. DOUGLAS: The only time this aircraft changes is when another bit falls off it. CAROLYN: Well, procedures change. DOUGLAS: Is it still pull to go up, push to go down? CAROLYN: Yes. DOUGLAS: Im fine, then. CAROLYN: You are all going, because if you dont, the CAA will stop you flying; and althou gh heaven knows thats not a bad idea, my job depends on preventing it. ARTHUR: Where is it? CAROLYN: Ipswich. ARTHUR: Oh, brilliant! Where I went before. Will there be more learning how to understand people? CAROLYN: No, Arthur. I think you understand as much about people as you ever will. ARTHUR: Thanks, Mum! What a nice thing to say! CAROLYN: Case in point. (Sound of Carolyns car accelerating, followed by the protesting horn of another car.) CAROLYN (loudly): Oh, pipe down! Do you not have overtaking in Ipswich? ARTHUR: Give me another one, Mum. CAROLYN: All right. How many loudhailers are there in the aft cabinet? ARTHUR: Okay. And aft is the one at the front? CAROLYN: Back. ARTHUR: Back! Back! I meant back. CAROLYN: The fore comes before the aft that comes after. DOUGLAS: I havent heard that one before. CAROLYN: Well, thats because no-one but Arthur has ever needed a mnemonic for fore and aft. MARTIN: Two in the aft cabinet; none in the fore; one on the flight deck. CAROLYN: Yes, Martin, but please try and let Arthur answer one. DOUGLAS: How dyou know all this stuff, Martin? MARTIN: It is my duty to be familiar with the safety equipment of the aircraft I command. DOUGLAS: Goodness! Harken to the mighty woof of the alpha dog. CAROLYN: What? DOUGLAS: Arthur was telling us about that documentary. Martin is labouring under the delusion that he is the alpha dog in this organisation. CAROLYN: Ah-ha! Whereas you, of course, correctly reminded him that I am. DOUGLAS: You have the loudest bark, certainly; but I like to think Im the one who brings down the hartebeest. ARTHUR: Douglas, you give me a question. DOUGLAS: Oh, I dont know any of this stuff. MARTIN: Then how dyou think youre gonna pass the exam? DOUGLAS: Luck. MARTIN: You cant rely on luck! DOUGLAS: You cant rely on luck. ARTHUR: Skip, you give me one. MARTIN: Oh, all right. At what number of passengers does it become compulsory to carry at least one flight attendant? ARTHUR: Well, we always carry at least one, so therefore no passengers? MARTIN: No. Nineteen. ARTHUR: Oh, right. It depends, though. MARTIN: Er, no, no. It doesnt depend. The answer is nineteen. ARTHUR: Yeah, but if its somewhere nice, Mumll come; or if the passengers are important. Or if shes bored. MARTIN: Yes, but if you say any of that, youll fail; whereas if you say nineteen, you wont fail. Dyou understand that? Nineteen. Nineteen passengers; one cabin crew. Nineteen. DOUGLAS: Nineteen. MARTIN: Nineteen. CAROLYN: Will you all please stop saying nineteen? ARTHUR: I didnt say nineteen. MARTIN: That is exactly the problem!

(Carolyns car pulls to a halt. Car doors open.) DR. DUNCAN (calling out): Hello! (He comes closer.) Hello. Miss Knapp-Shappey? CAROLYN: Thats right, yes. DR. DUNCAN: Hello. Im Doctor Duncan, Peter Duncan. Not the Peter Duncan. CAROLYN: Not which Peter Duncan? DR. DUNCAN: Peter Duncan. CAROLYN: Whos Peter Duncan? DR. DUNCAN: From Blue Peter in the eighties, and Duncan Dares. ARTHUR: Ooh, yes! I remember him! He was great! DR. DUNCAN: Yes. Well, Im not him! (He laughs.) ARTHUR: Oh. CAROLYN: Jolly good(!) Now, this is Captain Martin Crieff, First Officer Douglas Richardson DR. DUNCAN: Hello, Captain. CAROLYN: No, no, no, the other way round. MARTIN: Oh, for the love of CAROLYN: and Arthur Shappey, steward. DR. DUNCAN: Right. So youre the advanced guard, are you? CAROLYN: How dyou mean? DR. DUNCAN: Well, just that the others havent arrived yet. CAROLYN: Which others would those be? DR. DUNCAN: Well, the rest of the airline? CAROLYN: Doctor Duncan, you see before you the airline. Drink us in. DR. DUNCAN: Theres four hundred of you? CAROLYN: Are there, though? Count again. DR. DUNCAN: Not four hundred? CAROLYN: Four. DR. DUNCAN: Right! Thats unfortunate. I should probably speak to Catering. But, well, anyway, um, welcome! Ill be looking after the classroom side of things and Mr. Sargent (He calls out.) DR. DUNCAN: Mr. Sargent! Can I borrow you? MR. SARGENT (walking over): Good morning. DR. DUNCAN: After a quick CRM lecture, Mr. Sargent will be putting you through the pool drill, then after lunch well have the exam, and finally Mr. Sargent will take you through the smoke-filled fuselage. DOUGLAS: Metaphorically? MR. SARGENT: No, sir, not metaphorically, sir, no. We ad a bit of a job gettin our ands on a metaphorical fuselage, sir; and even if you can track one down, its a bugger tryin to fill it with a simile of some smoke. DOUGLAS: I see. Tell me, Mr. Sargent: were you in the RAF by any chance? MR. SARGENT: I certainly was. DOUGLAS: And were you a sergeant, Mr. Sargent? MR. SARGENT: No, sir, I wasnt a sergeant because as we just established I was in the RA bleedin F., not the bleedin Army, so I was a warrant officer. And since my name is not Warren Tofficer, thi s occasioned no bleedin mirth whatsoever. DR. DUNCAN: Right! Good! Good to get that sorted out. Now, if youll excuse me, Im just gonna dash off and do what I can to hold back four hundred quiches. (In a large echoing room.) MARTIN (loudly): Must you sit at the back, Douglas? DOUGLAS: I always sit at the back. MARTIN: But theres only two of us in a lecture theatre with five hundred seats. DOUGLAS: Some of which are at the back. (Door opens.) DR. DUNCAN: S-sorry Im late, chaps. Trying to intercept the caterers. MARTIN: Did you manage? DR. DUNCAN: No. I hope youve got an appetite! Right! Douglas, er, dyou want to join us down here, maybe? DOUGLAS: No, Im fine. DR. DUNCAN: Right! Fair enough. All right. Well, um, well why dont we come and join you at the back? MARTIN: Oh, for goodness sake (Footsteps.) DR. DUNCAN: Now then, I want to talk to you today about the potentially dangerous mind sets a pilot can get themselves into; and in particular what are known as the Six Deadly Is. These are

MARTIN (instantly): Impatience, Impulsivity, Invulnerability, Insecurity, Indecision, and I-Know-Best. DR. DUNCAN: Absolutely. Yes. Gosh! Well done! So, lets take them one by one. I-Know-Best is the antiauthority attitude that rules and regulations dont apply to you; that you make up your own laws. Now, I dont know if either of you have ever flown with anyone like that MARTIN (laughing): Yeah, me! I have! Yes, I definitely have. DR. DUNCAN: Right. Well, d-dont name any names. MARTIN: Oh, no-no-no! Certainly not, no, no, no. Lets, um, lets call him Dougal. Dougal ignores safety briefings, tech checks; he can barely be persuaded to file a flight plan. He basically thinks hes always right. DOUGLAS: Has it occurred to you that maybe Dougal is always right? MARTIN (chuckling derisively): Its definitely occurred to Dougal! DR. DUNCAN: O-kay. Great! Well, next: Impulsivity thats the tendency of some pilots to panic under pressure, to do the first thing they think of just for the sake of doing something. Now, again, you may never have DOUGLAS: Actually, that does ring a little bell. DR. DUNCAN: Oh, well again, without naming names. DOUGLAS: No. That would be the height of iniquity. Well, this chap could be literally any of the other pilots in MJN Air; lets call him Marvin once requested an emergency landing because his watch went off. MARTIN: It was a new watch with a very odd alarm. DOUGLAS: Oh. Have you flown with Marvin, Martin? Curious chap, isnt he? DR. DUNCAN: Then theres Insecurity always trying to prove hes as good a pilot as anyone else. DOUGLAS: Marvin. DR. DUNCAN: Impatience sacrifices procedure or even safety to save time MARTIN: Dougal. DR. DUNCAN: and finally Indecision getting caught in the headlights of a problem and being unable to settle on a plan of action. DOUGLAS: And Marvin. MARTIN: I thought you said Marvin impulsively did the first thing he thought of. DOUGLAS: Amazingly, he manages to combine both: doing whichever is least appropriate to the situation. (Slight pause.) DR. DUNCAN: Okay. Well, whats good here is that were fostering a real openness between the two of you. DOUGLAS: Yes. That is good, isnt it?(!) MARTIN: Mmm(!) Well done, us(!) CAROLYN: All right: where are the asbestos fire gloves kept? ARTHUR: Yes! Brilliant! I know this one. In the galley, on top of the microwave. CAROLYN: No theyre behind the captains seat. ARTHUR: Theyre not, though. Theyre on top of the microwave. CAROLYN: Yes. I know thats where they actually are ARTHUR: Right, then! CAROLYN: but thats not where you should say they are. ARTHUR: Why not? CAROLYN: Because we probably shouldnt let the CAA examiner know we use vital safety equipment as oven gloves. (Mr. Sargent pointedly clears his throat.) CAROLYN: Ah. Mr. Sargent. I was just, er MR. SARGENT: I didnt hear anything, madam. In the Air Force we used to use the CO2 fire extinguishers to cool the beer. Just dont let Doctor Duncan hear you. Speaking of whom, madam, the good doctor asks if you could bring your company portfolio to im in the Seminar Room. CAROLYN: The Seminar Room? MR. SARGENT: Oh, yes. How would we have won the Battle of Britain if we adnt ad our portfolios in the Seminar Room?(!) CAROLYN: Yes, of course(!) Arthur, stay here and keep revising. (Door closes.) MR. SARGENT: You aving trouble revising, are you? ARTHUR: Yeah. I-Im not at my best with exams and stuff. MR. SARGENT: What are you at your best at? ARTHUR: Er probably crazy golf. MR. SARGENT: All right. Well, look, you didnt ear this from me, but, er, shall I tell you an interesting thing about the passenger oxygen generators in your aircraft? ARTHUR: Aw, yeah, please! MR. SARGENT: They produce oxygen for exactly twelve minutes.

ARTHUR: Thats not very interesting. MR. SARGENT: Well, yes it is. ARTHUR: No its not. MR. SARGENT: See, if I was a young lad studying for an exam, Id find it very interesting indeed. ARTHUR: Oh! Right! Because it might come up! MR. SARGENT: Oh, I am certainly not telling you that. Im merely saying its a possibility. ARTHUR: Oh. Well, thanks, but no, I dont think so. Er, it sounds like its mainly gonna be stuff about where stuff is. MR. SARGENT: Right. So you dont reckon thats the sort of thing theyd ask, whereas I as someone who works in the test centre reckons its exactly the sort of thing theyd ask. Well, well just ave to agree to disagree. ARTHUR: Okay! MR. SARGENT: Youre an idiot. ARTHUR: I know! Thats why Im worried! DR. DUNCAN: All right. So, in this session DOUGLAS: Hang on. Wheres Martin? DR. DUNCAN: Oh. Well, this is a break-out group just for the first officers. DOUGLAS: All one of us. DR. DUNCAN: Yes, I see what you mean, but best to stick to the plan. You see, a common problem in flight decks with poor crew resource management is that the first officer is overly in awe of the captain. DOUGLAS: Is it, now? DR. DUNCAN: Yes. Now, the method I want to teach you is the Five Step Statement. So, Douglas, imagine youve noticed a problem but youre shy of bringing it up with your captain. Step One DOUGLAS: Hang on. DR. DUNCAN: Yes? DOUGLAS: No, its just this is going to need really quite a lot of imagination. (Slight pause.) DOUGLAS: Okay, got it. DR. DUNCAN: Okay. Step One DOUGLAS: No, its gone again. DR. DUNCAN: Step One: first, you get his attention. Now, depending on how you get on, that might be, Excuse me, sir, or, Er, Captain DOUGLAS: Mmm. DR. DUNCAN: or in an informal flight deck, it might just be, Hey, Chief DOUGLAS: Might it really? DR. DUNCAN: Yes. So, Step Two: state your concern in a non-confrontational manner. Hey, Chief, I might be wrong DOUGLAS: I might be wrong? DR. DUNCAN: Yes. Thats a good trick for taking the sting out of it. I might be wrong, but I think were low on fuel. Step Three: let him know how you feel about this. This makes me feel uneasy. Step Four: propose a solution. One thing we could do is reduce our speed. Step Five: obtain buy-in to your idea. How does that sound to you? DOUGLAS: Well, frankly, it sounds lik e the biggest load of DR. DUNCAN: No-no, no-no, thats what you might say. How does that sound to you? DOUGLAS: Ah. DR. DUNCAN: So, dyou want to role play that through now, Douglas? DOUGLAS: I would love to. Hey, Chief! I might be wrong, but I think were flying into a mountain. This makes me feel scared of the mountain! One thing we could do is pull up and fly over the mountain. How does that sound to (He makes the sound of the plane crashing into the side of the mountain and exploding.) DR. DUNCAN: Yes. Of course, in-in that situation you might need to react a little more instinctively. DOUGLAS: Oh, do you think so?(!) (Sound of a whistle being blown, and the ripple of water nearby. Voices are echoey.) MR. SARGENT: All right, lady and gentlemen. Welcome to the pool drill. No doubt Doctor Duncan has given you some fascinating glimpses into the psychology of the aviational mind, but what were gonna do now is check you know ow to get off your burnin aircraft and into your nice safe floaty boat. ARTHUR (excitedly): Mr. Sargent? MR. SARGENT: Yes, son. ARTHUR: This is brilliant! MR. SARGENT: Good! Right, then. So there you are, up in your little plane somewhere above the North

Atlantic when suddenly, oh dearie me, beep-beep-beep, two engine failures. Not the best of news, seeing as you only ave two engines; and you ave to glide to a forced landin. The exercise begins just as you ave glid the plane to sea level. DOUGLAS: Sorry glid? MR. SARGENT: Yes, glid. Is there something funny about that? DOUGLAS: Not in the least, no. Im very glad we glid. MR. SARGENT: All right. Now, when I blow my whistle, jump into the pool, inflate the life raft and conduct standard emergency procedure. (The whistle blows.) ARTHUR: Hooray!! (Sound of a splash as he jumps into the pool.) MR. SARGENT: Good lad! Well, come on, the rest of you! In, in, in! CAROLYN: Yes, all right! Im getting in! (She shudders noisily.) CAROLYN: Oh God, its cold! MR. SARGENT: Yes, madam. This is what we tend to find in the North bleedin Atlantic Ocean! An what aboutyou two?! Come on, in! MARTIN: Yes, Im, er, Im just putting in my ear plugs. MR. SARGENT: You dont need bleedin ear plugs, sir! MARTIN: Well, I-I do, actually. Erm, I have a slight abnormality of the inner ear and I-I cant go swimming without MR. SARGENT: Get yourself in the bleedin pool, sir! Now! (Martin whines as he jumps into the pool.) DOUGLAS: Arthur, heres the dinghy. Catch. (Sound of a solid splash.) ARTHUR: Thanks, Douglas! So now, what do I just pull this, um (Sound of the dinghy rapidly inflating.) ARTHUR (almost exploding with excitement): Wowww! Look at that! MR. SARGENT: Oi! Sir! Why are you not in the pool? DOUGLAS: First Officer retrieves dinghy, conveys it to cabin crew. MR. SARGENT: Yes, well, first officers done that. Now, first officer gets in the bleedin pool himself! DOUGLAS: I think not. MR. SARGENT: I dont care whether or not you bleedin well think so. (Sternly) Get in the pool. DOUGLAS: No. You see, the problem is, I was never in the RAF, so rather sadly Ive never managed to cultivate a fear of shouty red-faced little men with bristly heads. I was, however, in command of an aircraft for thirteen years MARTIN (distantly from the pool): Though not now! DOUGLAS: though not now; and I picked up a few little things along the way, such as: if the engines are stopped, theres no risk of fire and so it would be a poor decision to waterlog my clothing and risk hypothermia when I can remain on the wing of the aircraft and wait for the gallant steward to steer the dinghy close enough to it that I can step in (Sound of him stepping onto the rubber lip of the dinghy.) DOUGLAS: like so. Hello there, Arthur. MR. SARGENT (after a moment): I sppose you think youre very clever, dont you? DOUGLAS: Ill let you into a little secret: I sometimes do. (Back in the training centre.) ARTHUR: Right another quiche, I think. Anyone else? Skip? MARTIN: No! ARTHUR: But youve only had one. MARTIN: Yes! Ive had one! One is the correct dosage of quiche for the adult human male. How many have youhad now? ARTHUR: Seven. And we have got a hundred each to get through. DOUGLAS: It was a mistake, Arthur, not a challenge. CAROLYN: Wait a minute, Arthur. Listen, all of you. Weve only got the exam and the fusela ge drill to go. The exams in the lap of the gods, but in the fuselage we are going to concentrate. We are going to be disciplined; we are going to listen to one clear voice of command. Got that? MARTIN: Yes. Thank you, Carolyn. CAROLYN: Not you, idiot me. MARTIN: But Im the captain! CAROLYN: Yes, Martin! Everyone whos ever met you knows youre the captain, but I am the alpha dog. DOUGLAS: You say that, Carolyn, but

CAROLYN: I do say that, Douglas, yes; because if youd seen the documentary youd kno w that what makes an alpha dog is not languid put-downs, its providing the pack with their food, their shelter, their pay, their hotel rooms, and most of all their aeroplane. DOUGLAS: Goodness. I wish I had seen it now. CAROLYN: So, in the fuselage, everyone listen to me and follow me especially you, Arthur. And Arthur, in the exam ARTHUR: I know. Nineteen. MARTIN: No, Arthur! Thats only the answer to one question. ARTHUR: Oh, right. Which one? DR. DUNCAN: All right. Individual questions now. Martin: how are the passenger oxygen masks activated? MARTIN (promptly): Automatically by a barometric pressure switch when the cabin altitude is fourteen thousand feet; or when the Pass Oxygen switch on the overhead panel is positioned to On. DR. DUNCAN: Yes! Perfect answer! Okay. Carolyn: how many smoke hoods are there in the rear stowage compartment? CAROLYN: Two. DR. DUNCAN: Yes! Okay Dyou want to elaborate on that? CAROLYN: Theres one and theres another one. Totalling two. DR. DUNCAN: Yes! Okay! Fine, yes. Douglas a slightly obscure one for you, Im afraid. At what number of passengers does it become compulsory to carry at least one flight attendant? DOUGLAS: Hmm. That is tricky. MARTIN: You would get that one. DOUGLAS: Still, Ill have a stab at it. Could it be nineteen? DR. DUNCAN: Quite right! Finally, Arthur: for how long does a passenger oxygen generator produce oxygen once activated? ARTHUR: Oh, thats a coincidence! Someone was just talking to me about that! Was it you, Douglas? Or Mum? Someone, anyway. DR. DUNCAN: So whats the answer? ARTHUR: I dont know. I didnt listen. (Sound of a whistle being blown, and the ripple of water nearby. Voices are echoey again.) MR. SARGENT: All right, lady and gentlemen. Ignore the pool this time. Concentrate your attentions on the mock-up fuselage. Inside, it as been laid out in exactly the same way as your aircraft, with the tiny improvement that weve filled it with smoke. Also, somewhere inside is Adrian a life-size life-weight dummy representing an unlucky passenger. Obviously any passenger of MJN Air is by definition an unlucky passenger, but this one is unlucky even by your own igh standards because e is relyin on you to save im. When I blow my whistle, you will don your smoke oods , enter the fuselage in a random order, locate Adrian and retrieve im in under five minutes. The random order is as follows: Arthur, Douglas, Carolyn, Martin. ARTHUR: Ooh. I mean, hooray, but also (He makes a doubtful, worried sound.) I dont think I should go first. MR. SARGENT: No, nor do I. Thats why youre goin first. On your marks, get set (He blows his whistle. Sounds of the crew struggling to put on their smoke hoods.) MR. SARGENT: Come on, come on! oods on, quickly! Right! In you go! In, in, in! Not all separately, like sheep that ave got into a bleedin garden! old the back of the belt of the crew member in front! MR. SARGENT: One minute left! Come on! CAROLYN (muffled): For goodness sake, four minutes gone! Arthur! Are you sure you havent found anything? ARTHUR (muffled): No! CAROLYN (muffled): Hasnt anyone? DOUGLAS (muffled): No! MARTIN (muffled): No. But I am erm I-Im a bit, er MR. SARGENT: Forty-five seconds! CAROLYN (muffled): Well have to abandon it. (Sound of a thump as someones rubber-clad body falls to the floor.) DOUGLAS (muffled): What was that? ARTHUR (muffled): It was Skipper! Hes fallen down! CAROLYN (muffled): Martin! Are you all right? DOUGLAS (muffled): Arthur, how do you know it was Martin? ARTHUR (muffled): I was holding on to his belt. CAROLYN (muffled): But but you were in the lead! ARTHUR (muffled): But Mr. Sargent said, Everyone hold someones belt.

CAROLYN (muffled): Well, not you! DOUGLAS (muffled): Never mind that now. Is Martin all right? ARTHUR (muffled): I think so. My screens a bit misted up. Ill just, er (He starts coughing violently, then theres another rubber -clad thump.) DR. DUNCAN: So what exactly happened? MR. SARGENT: Yes. What exactly appened? Lets see if we can piece it together for the good doctor. For starters, how many bodies did you rescue from the fuselage? CAROLYN: Two. MR. SARGENT: Two. Which is pretty good going, given that I only put one in there. Carolyn: whose body did yourescue? CAROLYN: Arthurs. MR. SARGENT: Arthurs. And why was Arthurs body lying in the fuselage? ARTHUR (quietly): I got a bit smoke-filled. MR. SARGENT: Yes, you did. Because in the smoke-filled cabin, in order to see more clearly, you took off your smoke hood. An what was you tryin to see more clearly? ARTHUR: The body I found. MR. SARGENT: The body you found the body Douglas, in the end, brought out of the fuselage; the body of DOUGLAS: Martin. MR. SARGENT: The body of Martin. An why was the body of Martin lyin on the floor? MARTIN: Er, as I believe I mentioned before, I have a slight abnormality of the inner ear. Its -its perfectly airworthy, but it means I, um, I-I-I-I-I black out if I get dizzy. MR. SARGENT: If you get dizzy. An why was you dizzy? MARTIN: Because we were going round in circles. MR. SARGENT: And that was because ? MARTIN: Because Arthur was holding on to my belt. MR. SARGENT: Ex-bleedin-xactly. Because you was all oldin on to each others belts, goin round and round the smoke-filled cabin playing Ring-A-Ring-A-Roses while Adrian the dummy looked on, burning merrily to a crisp. In which circumstances, I ope it will come as no surprise that you have well and truly failed the SEP. CAROLYN: No! You cant fail us! MR. SARGENT: I not only can, I ave to. An I not only ave to, I want to. DR. DUNCAN: Quite right, Mr. Sargent. Absolutely though of course you could maybe let them re-take it. MR. SARGENT: I could at my discretion allow a re-take if I ad any reason to think they were under an unfair disadvantage which I dont. DOUGLAS: Oh, but we were. MR. SARGENT: Oh yes? And what was that? DOUGLAS: Arthur was in the lead. MR. SARGENT: A crew is only as strong as its weakest link and your weakest link is very weak indeed. If you want me, I wont be in the Seminar Room. (Door opens and closes.) CAROLYN: Peter, can I have a word with you? DR. DUNCAN: Im sorry, Carolyn, but Mr. Sargents quite right, and Arthur did fail his exam as well. CAROLYN: Look, this is a very safe aircraft. I have a good pilot, and a safe pilot; and the safe pilots in charge of the good pilot. Martin wont let them get into trouble; and if they do, Douglas would get them out of it. DR. DUNCAN: But it does have Arthur on it. CAROLYN: Yes, but Arthur doesnt do anything. He just serves the meals. If anything went wrong, Id handle it; and if I wasnt on board, the pilots would handle it. Arthur is basically just a passenger in a hat. Thats only because he made himself a hat. (Douglas ostentatiously clears his throat.) DOUGLAS (dramatically): Hey, Chief. CAROLYN: What? DOUGLAS: I might be wrong (He stops and laughs uproariously.) DOUGLAS: Sorry. I really must learn to say that with a straight face. (He clears his throat again.) DOUGLAS: I I might be wrong, but I think Arthurs about to lose us all our jobs. CAROLYN: This is not DOUGLAS (interrupting): Hang on. Im only on Step Two. This makes me feel unemployed; and also a little surprised, given that Im sure Ive heard quite a lot recently that the number of passengers at which it

becomes compulsory to carry a flight attendant is nineteen and I just wonder how often that situations going to occur in our aircraft with its sixteen seats. CAROLYN: Ahh! DOUGLAS: And how does that sound to you? CAROLYN: Thank you, Douglas! DOUGLAS: Youre welcome. Enjoy the hartebeest. CAROLYN: Doctor Duncan, weve had a slight company reorganisation in the last few seconds. From now on, Arthur will no longer fly on the crew roster. Henceforth, any flights he happens to be on, hell be on the passenger roster. DR. DUNCAN: As a passenger? CAROLYN: Precisely. DR. DUNCAN: But still acting as a steward? CAROLYN: Certainly not! Of course, as a frequent flyer, he may choose to help the other passengers. You know, always be first to offer to get the coffee and serve dinner and stay behind after to hoover the aircraft, but in the eyes of God and the CAA, he will simply be an unusually helpful passenger who wears a hat. DR. DUNCAN: Well, that-that would make things a lot easier. CAROLYN: Yes it would. DR. DUNCAN: So long as the rest of you pass the fuselage drill. CAROLYN: Peter. It has long been a maxim of MJN Air that when Arthur stops helping, we can do anything. (Sound of breathless panting from Martin, Douglas and Carolyn. A whistle blows.) MR. SARGENT: All right. Four minutes and, er, fifty-two seconds the very definition of barely adequate. But youve rescued Adrian, youre in time, an therefore, on the strict understanding that Arthur has no official role on the aircraft whatsoever except possibly chock you all pass. (Carolyn, Douglas and Martin cheer.) MR. SARGENT: Except you. MARTIN (frantically): Why?! What did I do?! Please give me another chance! MR. SARGENT: Not you. MARTIN: Oh. MR. SARGENT: You. DOUGLAS (incredulously): Me?! MR. SARGENT: Yes, my friend, you. Because for all your smooth talkin and your smart answers, matey, noone passes my SEP trainin without demonstratin to my satisfaction they can swim strongly in uniform and rescue a body from the water. DOUGLAS: I see. Well, then, well just have to see what the CAA adjudicates when I take CAROLYN: Douglas, shut up. Martin, pass me Adrian. MARTIN: Here. (Sound of the dummy being thrown into the pool.) CAROLYN: Douglas, fetch! (Douglas sighs heavily, then grunts as he throws himself off the side of the pool.) (Splash!)

SEASON 2 EPISODE 4: Johannesburg

(Bing-bong.) ARTHUR (into cabin address): Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, our onboard transit process today has now reached its ultimate termination. CAROLYN: He means weve landed. ARTHUR: Yes. So, as yourselves prepare for disemboarding, if I could kindly ask you to kindly ensure you retain all your personal items about your person throughout the duration of the disembarkation. CAROLYN: He means take your stuff with you. ARTHUR: In concluding, its been a privilege for ourselves to conduct yourselves through the in -flight experience today, and I do hope youll re-favour ourselves with the esteem of your forth-looking custom going forward. CAROLYN: No idea. This week, Johannesburg! DOUGLAS: Okay, Martin, two miles to run. Descend to five hundred feet. Stand by for visual on target. MARTIN: Douglas, are we certain about this?

DOUGLAS: Quite certain. MARTIN (nervously): Right. Its just I Im sure its gonna be fine DOUGLAS: Excellent! Im also sure its going to be fine. MARTIN: The thing is, though, Im not sure its gonna be fine. DOUGLAS: What an exquisite paradox. Luckily, though, Im still completely sure its going to be fine; so as Im a hundred percent sure and youre fifty each way, that still gives us a comfortable hundred and fifty percent working majority. MARTIN: Douglas! DOUGLAS: Target in sight; level five hundred feet; left-left; waggle wings and open air brakes now! (Slight pause.) DOUGLAS: Oh. MARTIN: What?! What?! What?! I cant see! What happened?! DOUGLAS: I may have very slightly over-estimated how fine it would be. CAROLYN: What were you thinking? MARTIN: Look, all we were trying CAROLYN: Shut up, Martin. Douglas, what were you thinking? DOUGLAS: I just thought, since I had to work on my daughters birthday, it would be nice to do a little flypast of her party on the way. CAROLYN: Barrow-in-Furness is not on the way to Paris. So first you stole my aircraft DOUGLAS: I wouldnt call it stealing. CAROLYN: I paid you to fly three hundred miles south west. You flew it two hundred miles north east. What is that if not stealing? DOUGLAS: Hijacking, at most. MARTIN: Carolyn CAROLYN: Shut up, Martin. (Martin groans quietly.) CAROLYN: But, of course, you were just warming up! Because not only did you steal my aircraft, you then chose to mark your arrival at the childrens birthday party by dropping a bomb on it. DOUGLAS: The idea was perfectly sound! CAROLYN: The idea was terminally stupid! Was it your idea, Martin? MARTIN: No it wasnt! Oh, and Im allowed to speak again now, am I? CAROLYN: No shut up. DOUGLAS: It was my idea. It occurred to me that if we filled the air brake cavity with boiled sweets and then opened it just as we were flying over CAROLYN: you could strafe your daughters birthday party. DOUGLAS: No, not strafe! We werent going anything like f ast enough! We did check! MARTIN: I did the calculations. DOUGLAS: And we were quite sure the sweets would flutter gently down to the excited children beneath. And so they would have done, if it hadnt been rather a hot day and the sweets in the metal compartment hadnt melted a little and then, up in the cold air, solidified again into a a CAROLYN: a sugar brick. DOUGLAS: Yes. CAROLYN: which you dropped on your ex-wifes house. DOUGLAS: Yes but we were very lucky really. We could have hit her conservatory or her BMW. CAROLYN: Or a child! DOUGLAS: Now, dont exaggerate! All the children had run for safety long before it landed. CAROLYN: That is not as reassuring a sentence as you seem to think. DOUGLAS: Im just saying we couldnt have hit a child; but I admit we could have hit a car. CAROLYN: But you didnt hit a car, did you? You hit a carp. DOUGLAS: Yes. CAROLYN: Do you have any idea how much a koi carp costs? DOUGLAS: I do now, yes. But dont worry I dont expect you to pay for it. CAROLYN: You d?! Of course you dont expect me to pay for it! Why in heaven would I pay for it? DOUGLAS: Well, as you pointed out, it is your plane. CAROLYN: Yes! And I paid you to use it to fly a franking machine to Paris, not to fly a multi-coloured confectionary brick to Cumbria and drop it on a fish. MARTIN: Well, to be fair, we did go to Paris afterwards. CAROLYN: Martin. Really, shut absolutely up. MARTIN (resignedly): Right! CAROLYN: Look, both of you. Im being serious with my serious face. You cannot keep doing things like this. I will spell it out in words of one syllable. (Pedantically) If you waste my money we will go

bust. You will have no job. DOUGLAS: Cash, not mon-ey. CAROLYN: Please! Will you take this seriously? We cant go on like this! Look at the trip budget youve submitted for Johannesburg next week: fourteen thousand pounds! Are we flying there on the backs of unicorns? MARTIN: Its pared to the bone, I promise you! I cant compromise safety for economy. CAROLYN: Thats rich, coming from the Bomber of Barrow. DOUGLAS: Im sorry, Carolyn. Its just that the captain and myself are deeply unmaterialistic. Our souls are rather beautiful that way, actually. CAROLYN: Is that so? All right, then, First Officer Gandhi: Ill tell you what Ill do. On a one-trip trial basis, if you can magically shave, say, two thousand pounds off that pared-to-the-bone budget, you can split it between you which should just about pay for the carp but if it comes in so much as a penny over twelve thousand pounds, you pay me a grand each. Deal? DOUGLAS: Absolutely. Deal. MARTIN: No, wait! Douglas! The budget really is pretty tight. How on earth are we going DOUGLAS: Oh, Martin. Trust me! Deal. (Flight deck door opens.) ARTHUR: Chaps, my galleys been burgled. Theyve taken the trolley, er, the duty free, the microwave, even the hot water boiler. DOUGLAS: Sorry, Arthur, that was me. The lighter we keep the plane, the less fuel we need, so Ive off loaded all unnecessary dead weight. Speaking of which, how much do you weigh? ARTHUR: But how am I supposed to heat up the catering? DOUGLAS: Oh, Ive cancelled the catering. MARTIN: You cancelled our food for a twelve hour flight?! DOUGLAS: Needless expense. Dont worry I rustled us up a little something myself. ARTHUR: Oh, Douglas, you should have asked me. DOUGLAS: Should I, though, Arthur, really? The inventor of fizzy yoghurt? ARTHUR: To be fair, I didnt invent that so much as discover the process that makes it. DOUGLAS: Yes. Yoghurt plus time. Here, take these. (Sound of him handing Tupperware boxes to Arthur.) ARTHUR: Right-o. Er, how do I prepare them? DOUGLAS: Take lids off boxes; empty onto plates; give to pilots. And and I cant stress this strongly enough do nothing else to it whatsoever. MARTIN: Is that really gonna save us much money, Douglas? DOUGLAS: Every little helps. Why, what have you come up with? MARTIN: Well, er, had a good think last night, and I think so long as we get the long runway at Joburg, we maybe able to land without using the wheel brakes. DOUGLAS: I see. And thatll save us what? MARTIN: Well, itll prolong the life of the brakes. DOUGLAS: To the tune of ? MARTIN: Obviously not in a calculable way. DOUGLAS: Terrific(!) Well done. MARTIN: Well, all right. What else have you come up with? DOUGLAS: Turn off air conditioning; only take half the liquid oxygen; keep air recirculation fans on; and only use one engine to taxi and Im just getting warmed up. ARTHUR: So, if doing those things saves money, why dont we do it all the time? DOUGLAS: Well, the most tiresome of pettifoggers might question whether it constituted absolute best practice. MARTIN: You mean its horrendously illegal. DOUGLAS: Horrendously is a strong word. MARTIN: I notice youre not quibbling illegal. DOUGLAS: Not dangerously illegal. Its not like Im suggesting we only fly on one engine although MARTIN: No! (Sounds of eating.) MARTIN (with his mouth full): This is excellent, Douglas! Did you really cook it yourself? DOUGLAS: I did indeed. MARTIN: Mmm! Its lovely! DOUGLAS: Im very good at cooking. MARTIN: Is there anything youre not very good at? (Silence.)

MARTIN: Douglas? DOUGLAS: Im thinking. There are things I havent tried yet. I suppose its possible Im not very good at some of those theoretically. MARTIN: Well, this is great. Unusual flavour what is it? DOUGLAS: Carp. MARTIN: But not DOUGLAS: When I pay a thousand pounds for a fish, I dont just throw it in the bin. Now then, when we get to Joburg, obviously we can save a lot on hotels. MARTIN: How? DOUGLAS: By not staying in one. MARTIN: So where will we sleep? DOUGLAS: Well, Im a happily married man, so I shall sleep in the plane; but you, mlad, have four hours in hand to get yourself invited to the Johannesburgian bedroom of your choice. (Martin chuckles, then quickly becomes serious again.) MARTIN: Yes, Ill sleep in the plane too. DOUGLAS: That uniforms wasted on you, it really is. (An alarm pings three times.) DOUGLAS: Ah! Fancy that. MARTIN: What? DOUGLAS: Little flashing warning light, Captain. Anti-icing, the starboard wing, declaring itself Rabbit of Negative Euphoria. MARTIN: What?! DOUGLAS: Not A Happy Bunny. MARTIN (frantically): Right, okay, okay, okay! Isolate the anti-icing valves port and starboard. Prepare for landing and DOUGLAS: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! We dont need to divert. We can do without anti-icing. MARTIN: No we cant! DOUGLAS: Martin, were currently flying over southern Spain. Were about to fly the length of continental Africa. May I suggest that ice may not be our most formidable foe? MARTIN: You know perfectly well the hotter it is, the quicker ice will form if we fly through clouds. DOUGLAS: But I have a strategic master stroke to counter that: lets not fly through any clouds. MARTIN: But there are clouds, look. DOUGLAS: What, those little fluffies?! We could just weave in and out of those! And we only have to keep thestarboard wing out of them, anyway. Itll be fun! MARTIN: No, Douglas, were landing and getting it fixed. DOUGLAS: You know what? I was wrong about the warning light. Its not on. I made a mistake. MARTIN: I can see it! DOUGLAS: No, Martin. Thats an optical illusion caused by the fierce glare of the sun the hot, Mediterranean ice-melting sun which will beat down on us as we pay landing fees and engineers fees, and hope theyll fix us in time to get to Joburg tonight. In Spain. Lovely people, magnificent culture not famed for their snap-to-it efficiency. MARTIN: Look, I know, but I-Im sorry, I have to. (Douglas sighs in exasperation. Radio on.) MARTIN (into radio): Madrid, Golf Tango India. We have a system malfunction; require radar vectors to nearest suitable airfield. (Sound of GERTIs engines shutting down, and the flicking of switches.) MARTIN: And post-landing checks complete. (Flight deck door opens.) CAROLYN: Gentlemen. I cant help but notice weve landed three hours after take -off, which means either you have discovered a hitherto-unsuspected warp drive button, or this isnt Johannesburg. MARTIN: Carolyn, Im sorry. You can rant and rave all you like, but we had to divert. The anti-icing system was CAROLYN (mildly): Yes, fine, whatever you think. (Startled silence for a moment.) MARTIN: Really? CAROLYN: Yes, of course! Im sure you had your reasons. MARTIN: Well, yes, but dont you want to hear them and then disagree with them? I thought youd be more furious. CAROLYN: Yes, its curious, isnt it?! Curious Im not furious! It turns out I mind losing money a lot less just so long as Douglas is losing it too. MARTIN: And me!

CAROLYN: Yes, but for some reason you losing money doesnt make me happy the way Douglas losing money does. MARTIN: Oh, well thank you, I suppose. CAROLYN: Youre very welcome! DOUGLAS: Well, sorry to disappoint you, Carolyn, but I have no intention of losing any money. The landing fees should be pretty light in a tiny airfield like this, and it doesnt shut til five. Plenty of time for them to fix GERTI. (Flight deck door opens.) ARTHUR: Chaps, have we landed? DOUGLAS: Yes, Arthur. Well spotted. ARTHUR: Well, er, since youve taken away my water boiler, can I order some hot water here? MARTIN: Yes, of course. DOUGLAS: No-no-no. MARTIN: Oh, come on. Im not flying the length of Africa without coffee. We need hot water. DOUGLAS: Certainly, but we dont need to pay thirty Euros for it. Theres an old flying school trick I know. MARTIN: Of course there is(!) DOUGLAS: Arthur, get a wine bottle, fill it with water and, using the asbestos gloves, place it very carefully on the lip of one of the engine exhausts. Hey presto, boiling water. CAROLYN: Good heavens. Douglas has discovered his inner Womble. ARTHUR: But doesnt the air come out of the back of those engines pretty fast? DOUGLAS: Arthur, the engines arent on. Clues to this include the aircraft being stationary on the ground and eerily quiet. But theyll still be hot from the flight. ARTHUR: Ah, right! Yes! Because I was thinking, otherwise I might have had a bit of a job DOUGLAS: balancing a wine bottle in a fourteen hundred mile an hour jet blast. Yes, I imagine you would. SEOR QUINTANILLA (Spanish accent): I am sorry. We have no engineer at this airfield. DOUGLAS: Right. So what do you do when you need an engineer? SEOR QUINTANILLA: We call Diego out from the big airport at Albacete. DOUGLAS: Well, can you do that now, please? SEOR QUINTANILLA: I can DOUGLAS: Then do. SEOR QUINTANILLA: but he wont come. CAROLYN: Do you know, I think what I like about this conversation most, Douglas, is th at youre the one having to have it. DOUGLAS: Why wont he come? SEOR QUINTANILLA: He cannot. His car is broke down. DOUGLAS: The engineers car has broken down? SEOR QUINTANILLA: Yes. CAROLYN: Thats not a terribly good sign, is it? DOUGLAS: Well, can we go and get him? SEOR QUINTANILLA: I suppose, but how? You have no car. CAROLYN: Ah. Hes got you there. DOUGLAS: Can we hire a car? SEOR QUINTANILLA: Not here. Maybe from the airport at Albacete. DOUGLAS: The place we want the car to get to. SEOR QUINTANILLA: Its the nearest place. DOUGLAS: Er, well, can we borrow a car? SEOR QUINTANILLA: Whose car? DOUGLAS: Well, I dont know! Your car! SEOR QUINTANILLA (chuckling): No. DOUGLAS: Why not? SEOR QUINTANILLA: Its a nice car a BMW. CAROLYN: Well, Douglas here has an excellent safety record with BMWs. Only last week, he didnt drop a brick on one. DOUGLAS: Carolyn, youre really not helping. CAROLYN: I know! Im not trying to. Its fun this, isnt it chipping in from the sidelines? I can see why youre so fond of it. DOUGLAS: Seor Quintanilla. SEOR QUINTANILLA: Si. DOUGLAS: Surely there is a vehicle somewhere on this airfield we can pay you a hundred Euros to let us

drive to Albacete and back? SEOR QUINTANILLA: Er, maybe there is something. (Sound of a low-powered vehicle chugging along.) ARTHUR (cheerfully singing): Three men went to mow, went to mow a meadow! Three men, two men, one man and his dog (Silence, apart from the engine.) ARTHUR: Thats where you say, Woof woof, Skip. MARTIN: No it isnt. ARTHUR: I think it is. Because its just after the word, dog, and dogs go MARTIN: I mean Im not saying, Woof woof. ARTHUR: It would cheer you up. MARTIN (angrily): We are driving across the Spanish plains in the heat of the day on a sixty mile round trip on unmade roads in a baggage truck. Its gonna take more to cheer me up than saying, Woof woof. ARTHUR: Well, if youre sure. It always cheers me up. Can we have the air conditioning on, please? MARTIN (incredulously): The ai There is no air conditioning! Why would you have air conditioning on a vehicle with no doors? ARTHUR: To keep it cool. MARTIN: Arthur, Im I really am at the end of my tether here. Could you please just try your hardest not to say anything? ARTHUR: really stupid. MARTIN: No! Just anything. ARTHUR: Oh, right. Will do, Skip. Ooh, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. MARTIN: Stop it! ARTHUR: Sorry! Dah! (He finally falls silent.) MARTIN: Thank you. Now, lets just try and get through this with the minimum of fuss (The vehicle skids to an unexpected halt, its tyres spinning. Martin cries out in surprise, then the baggage truck falls silent. Theres a pause, broken only by the sound of birds singing nearby.) MARTIN: Arthur, put your hand down. I know: low bridge. DOUGLAS (quietly to himself): and eighty is, er, ten thousand four hundred, plus one hundred (Flight deck door opens.) CAROLYN: Hello, Douglas. Doing your sums? DOUGLAS: Yes. (Quietly to himself) and twenty-four plus, er, minus CAROLYN (talking over his calculations): Well, I wont disturb you. Just wondered if youd heard from Martin yet. DOUGLAS: No. Hes not answering his phone. Why isnt he answering? Theres no point even doing this if hes not gonna be back in time. CAROLYN: Oh, dont you worry. Im quite sure hell successfully drive his baggage truck to Albacete, find and pick up the engineer, bring him back in plenty of time to fix the plane by five. DOUGLAS: Do you think so? CAROLYN: Not even for a moment. Theres about six hundred ways that pla n could go wrong, even if it wasnt Martin doing it, and it is Martin doing it with help, from Arthur. DOUGLAS (irritated): Youre enjoying this, arent you? CAROLYN: I honestly dont know when Ive enjoyed a trip more. I only wish Id thought of this years ago. This way, if I lose, you lose which takes the sting out of it enormously; and if I win, I win and thus I win. DOUGLAS (sarcastically): How nice for you. Oh, blast. CAROLYN: What? DOUGLAS: The running total for this trip: twelve thousand and fourteen pounds. CAROLYN: Oh dear. DOUGLAS: Of course, when you said, under twelve thousand, you didnt mean literally to the penny that would be ridiculous. You meant to the nearest hundred or so. CAROLYN: Ahh. Your little face as you tried to look as if you remotely thought you might get away with that. A miss is as good as a mile, Im afraid. DOUGLAS (determinedly): Right. (Sound of the baggage truck revving and the tyres spinning.) ARTHUR: No, i-its not budging, Skip. (The truck revs and skids again. Arthur gets back into the truck and closes the door [which is clever, seeing as Martin said earlier that the truck doesnt have doors ...].) ARTHUR: Its, er, its really firmly wedged under. I think we must have hit the bridge quite hard.

MARTIN: Yes. ARTHUR: So what now, Skip? MARTIN: I dont know! ARTHUR: Okay. (A vehicles horn can be heard.) ARTHUR: Er, Skip chap behind us wants to come through. MARTIN: Yeah, I can see that! ARTHUR: Oh, o-okay. Its just, because you werent doing anything, I thought you hadnt seen. Umm, I still dont really know what were waiting for. MARTIN: Im waiting for Im waiting for Douglas to say something sarcastic and then sort it out. ARTHUR: Oh, right. Of course, Douglas isnt here, Skip. MARTIN: I know that! ARTHUR: I mean, I can try and fill in, but I-I dont know how good Ill be. (Martin sighs in frustration.) ARTHUR (deepening his voice in an attempt to sound like Douglas) : Er, Im glad were stuck under this bridge. MARTIN: Shush, please. Just ARTHUR (deep voice): Thats a good thing MARTIN: Stop it! Youre not helping. If it comes to that, what are you waiting for? ARTHUR (normal voice): You to tell me what to do, Skip. MARTIN: I dont know! (Sound of the other vehicles horn again, and angry shouting in Spanish. Martin sighs again.) MARTIN: I mean all I can think of is, um i-i-is, I suppose we could we could let the tyres down. ARTHUR: Oh, right and pretend weve got a puncture. MARTIN: No to lower our height a couple of inches. ARTHUR (gasping with excitement): Yes, brilliant! Well-well, lets do that! MARTIN: Yes, but what have I got wrong? ARTHUR: Oh, have you got something wrong? MARTIN: I always get something wrong; and if Douglas were here, hed point out what. ARTHUR: W ell, hes not. So shall we just try it and see? (Knock on a door, which then opens.) DOUGLAS: Seor Quintanilla. SEOR QUINTANILLA: Hello, yes? Ah, its you again. DOUGLAS: Yes. CAROLYN: Hello, Seor. SEOR QUINTANILLA: And your merry woman. DOUGLAS: Isnt she just? Er, now, er, Seor, Ive just been looking through your airfield bill. SEOR QUINTANILLA: Yes? DOUGLAS: and I was just wondering i-if there was any possibility at all of reducing it by, say, twenty Euros? SEOR QUINTANILLA: Was something not good? Are you not happy? DOUGLAS: Oh, no, no, everything was good. Were very happy. CAROLYN: Me especially. DOUGLAS: Er, but I would appreciate it as a favour if you felt you could knock off a measly twenty Euros. SEOR QUINTANILLA: This is not a market! Im not used to haggle. This is a fair price, yes? You do not think I try to cheat you? DOUGLAS: No, no! Absolutely not! W-well, look, how about this, then: is there anything we could do around the airfield while were waiting that would be worth twent y Euros to you? SEOR QUINTANILLA: I suppose you could wash my car. DOUGLAS (angrily): Im not gonna wash your car! SEOR QUINTANILLA: I dont want you to wash my car Im trying to help you! DOUGLAS (calming down): Of course, er, yes. I-I apologise. Which is your car? SEOR QUINTANILLA: The BMW. DOUGLAS: How could I forget?(!) SEOR QUINTANILLA: Catch! (Sound of him tossing his car keys to Douglas, who catches them.) CAROLYN: Douglas, are you going to wash his car? Are you really going to wash his car?! (She chuckles.) This day just gets better and better! (The baggage truck is in motion again.) MARTIN and ARTHUR (singing): went to mow a meadow! Six men, five men, four men, three men, two

men, one man and his dog ARTHUR: Ouah! Ouah! MARTIN and ARTHUR (singing): went to mow a meadow! MARTIN: Ouah, ouah, Arthur? ARTHUR: Thats what French dogs say, Skip. I thought Id do one in French cause were abroad. MARTIN: But were in Spain. ARTHUR: I know, but I dont know what Spanish dogs say. Do you? MARTIN: No, no, I dont know what Spanish dogs say. ARTHUR: Whats the matter? MARTIN: Sorry same thing again. I just automatically waited for Douglas to say something sarcastic. ARTHUR: Yes, hed have had one in there, wouldnt he? (He laughs briefly.) What dyou think it would have been? MARTIN: I dont know. However, my young professor of canine linguistics, welcome to Albacete airport! (The truck has stopped and the boys get out, closing the [non-existent] doors.) MARTIN: Twenty minutes ahead of schedule, even with stopping to pump the tyres back up. ARTHUR: Nice work, Skip! It was a brilliant plan! MARTIN: Oh! Did go rather well, didnt it? Now, apparently, the engineers office is in the green hangar. That must be that one there! Follow me. ARTHUR: Right. (They start to walk.) MARTIN: Gosh. Sunny, isnt it? (Theres the creak of the hinge on a spectacles case.) ARTHUR: Wow! Skip! Are those new? Theyre brilliant! MARTIN: Oh, dyou like them? Picked them up at the garage. Theyre called aviator shades. ARTHUR: Theyre amazing! You look like one of those guys in Top Gear! MARTIN: God, do I? Which one? Not Clarkson? ARTHUR: No, Tom Cruise. MARTIN: Top Gun, Arthur. ARTHUR: Oh, yeah! MARTIN (sighing happily): Ah, Ive always wanted a pair of these. ARTHUR: Well, why didnt you get one? MARTIN: I suppose I thought Douglas would probably be a well, pretty funny about them. ARTHUR: Oh yeah. Yes, he-he will be, wont he? MARTIN: Yeah, Ill take them off quickly before we get back. ARTHUR: Yeah. Probably best. You know, Douglas is great, obviously I mean, hes brilliant but this is quite nice, isnt it? Like a little holiday. MARTIN (thoughtfully): Yes. Yes, it is. (They have stopped walking.) ARTHUR: Right. Is this it? MARTIN: Yes. ARTHUR: Oh. Er, Skip? It looks a bit MARTIN: closed. ARTHUR: Yeah. MARTIN: Why would it be closed on a Tuesday? ARTHUR: I-I dont know. MARTIN (exasperated): Oh, well, thats it, then. Were done for! Should have known. The thing with the bridge was just to make it all the worse when inevitably ARTHUR: Yes, but you can think of something, Skip! You were brilliant last time! MARTIN: Oh. Well Now, we could, um, try and find the manager here and see if we can get the engineers home address, drive into town Ah, but itll be too late. We have to get in the air before five and its what, two fifteen now Oh! ARTHUR: What? MARTIN: Two fifteen in Spain! Siesta! ARTHUR: Whats that? MARTIN: Its when they stop work for a couple of hours after lunch to have a sleep. ARTHUR: Wow! Can we start doing that?! MARTIN: And since the airports so far from the town, I wouldnt be surprised if they Lets just try. (He bangs loudly on the metal door of the hangar.) MARTIN (loudly): Hello! Hello! El engineero! Wake up, please! ARTHUR: Skip! MARTIN: Please answer, por favor! Its important! (He bangs on the door again.)

MARTIN: Trs importante! Will pay extra bonus lucre! Gracias! (Silence.) MARTIN: No, of course not. Well, that would just be too MANs VOICE (from inside the hangar): Qui es? Qu quieren? MARTIN (triumphantly): Yes! ARTHUR: Thats brilliant, Skip! MARTIN: Oh. Dyou think so? Huh! (Sound of a cloth sploshing in a bucket of water.) CAROLYN: Ah, there you are, Douglas. I couldnt find you. DOUGLAS: But then you did. CAROLYN: But then I did. Why are you hiding behind the aircraft? DOUGLAS: Im not hiding. CAROLYN: Not any more, certainly. And, my, what an excellent job youre doing. Youre a demon with that chamois leather. DOUGLAS: Have you come to help? CAROLYN: Even better than that. Ive come to watch. DOUGLAS: Thats not better. CAROLYN: Oh, Im sorry. I meant better for me. Its a lot better for me. (Squeak of hinges on a metal beach chair.) DOUGLAS: Youve brought a deckchair? CAROLYN: I always keep one in the hold for just such an occasion. (She sighs contentedly as she sits down.) CAROLYN: This is the life. (More splashing of the chamois leather in the bucket.) CAROLYN: You know, I think this would be my Luxury if I was on Desert Island Discs. DOUGLAS: A deckchair? CAROLYN: No you washing a car. I think I could endure almost any hardship as long as I had the Bible and Shakespeare, Palgraves Golden Treasury, and the sight of First Officer Douglas Richardson grumpily soaping a wheel arch. DOUGLAS: Two thousand pounds, Carolyn. Remember that. Thats what its going to cost you. CAROLYN: Cheap at twice the price; and thats only if Martin gets back in time and, really, what are the chances of that? MARTIN and ARTHUR (singing): Six men, five men, four men, three men, two men, one man and his dog MARTIN: Diego? DIEGO: Wao! Wao! MARTIN and ARTHUR: went to mow a meadow! MARTIN: Wao, wao? When have you ever heard a dog say, Wao, wao? DIEGO (Spanish accent): Every time I have heard a dog, he have said to me, Wao, wao. MARTIN: Then you, Seor, have been speaking to some very peculiar dogs. Arthur, where are we up to? ARTHUR: Thirty-two! MARTIN: Very well: on my count, gentlemen. One, two, three! MARTIN and ARTHUR (singing): Thirty-two men went to mow, went to mow a meadow DOUGLAS (sighing in exasperation): Twenty to five. Thats definitely it, then. CAROLYN: Youve said that every five minutes since four oclock. DOUGLAS: Yes! But theres no way we can do it now, even if (He breaks off as distant but approaching singing can be heard.) MARTIN and ARTHUR: three men, two men, one man and his DOUGLAS: Oh, look! MARTIN: Elephant! DIEGO: Prah! Prah! MARTIN and ARTHUR (finishing up grandly as everyone gets out of the truck and slams non-existent doors): went to mow a meadow! MARTIN: Prah, prah? Diego, really? DIEGO: Of course. DOUGLAS: Martin! Good lord! Maverick flies again. MARTIN: Hello, Douglas. Can I suggest you save all the jokes about my shades for now and well have them in a nice long stream once we get airborne. In the meantime, Carolyn, Douglas this is Diego: a fine engineer, a useful light baritone and a man with an inexhaustible knowledge of how Spanish animals go.

Diego, do your Spanish cockerel. DIEGO: Ki-kiri-ki! MARTIN: Yep, thats my favourite one. Now, then, Diego, heres the wing. Get to work. Arthur, park the truck. ARTHUR: Er, where? MARTIN: Er, well behind the plane, by that wet car. You two, get on board and prepare to leave immediately! DOUGLAS: But Martin, weve only got twenty minutes before they shut the Tower. He cant possibly fix it MARTIN: Certainly he can. A man who can imitate a Spanish squirrel helping forty-eight men mow a meadow is capable of anything. Now, come on: we have to get a move on. DOUGLAS: In other words, you feel the need the need for speed. MARTIN: Seriously, Douglas. Save them for later. (Flight deck door opens.) MARTIN (breathlessly): Done. DOUGLAS: You did the walk-round? MARTIN: Yes! DOUGLAS: In forty-five seconds? MARTIN (still catching his breath): More of a jog-around but I saw everything I needed to see. DOUGLAS: But your walk-rounds take days! MARTIN: Well, maybe Ive gained a little faith in my instincts as a pilot. Now, how ar e we doing? DOUGLAS: Seven minutes to five. Cabin ready; pre-take-off checks done. How about the anti-icing? MARTIN: Diegos still looking at it. DOUGLAS: Well, then, why are we bothering? Theres no way (Knock on the flight deck door.) MARTIN: A-ha! Come in! (Flight deck door opens.) MARTIN: Diego. Anti-icing all fixed? DIEGO: No. DOUGLAS: Ah. MARTIN: Then what were you doing up there? Go and fix it. DIEGO: Not fixed because not broken. MARTIN: Not broken? DIEGO: No. He is very well. MARTIN: But it was. It was definitely broken. Look the little orange warning lights on. DIEGO: Oh. Let me see. Yes. Little orange warning light he is broken. (Sound of Diego thumping the console.) DIEGO: There! All better! MARTIN: Right. Thank you, Diego. Now, quick get off the plane! (Flight deck door closes.) DOUGLAS: Right. So all of this was in aid of a dodgy warning light. MARTIN: Yes, well, just one of those things. Could have happened to anyone. DOUGLAS: Could have done, but actually happened to MARTIN (interrupting): to both of us. You didnt give the light a thump any more than I did. Anyway, its agood thing! It means its fixed now! We can still get away in time; we can still get in under budget. DOUGLAS: But ? MARTIN: Douglas, be quiet. (Intercom on.) MARTIN (into intercom): All ready in the back? CAROLYN (over intercom): All ready. MARTIN (flicking switches): Right. Air con? DOUGLAS (also flicking switches): Off. MARTIN: Anti-collision light? DOUGLAS: On. MARTIN: Fuel pump switches? DOUGLAS: On. (Radio on.) MARTIN (into radio): Hello, ground. Are we cleared to start number one? SEOR QUINTANILLA (over radio): Cleared to start number one. MARTIN: Starting one. (GERTIs engine begins to rev up.) DOUGLAS: So, do I take it you had some sort of mystical awakening on your road trip?

MARTIN: No, nothing like that. I just had cause to remember that I am not, in fact, quite as incapable as it suits certain people to make out. DOUGLAS: Well, if it earns us a grand each, Im all in favour of it. Engine stable. MARTIN: Thank you. Fuel flow. (Sound of a lever being pushed. GERTIs engine tone goes up a notch then theres a loud bang, followed by smashing glass and then a car alarm.) DOUGLAS: Engine malfunction, number one. MARTIN: Shutting down number one! SEOR QUINTANILLA (over radio as the engine powers down again): What have you done? What have you done?! MARTIN (into radio): W-we dont know! Whats happened? What did you see? SEOR QUINTANILLA: You have fired a missile from your plane! MARTIN: Is anyone hurt? SEOR QUINTANILLA: My BMW! My BMW is hurt! You fire your missile straight into my car! DOUGLAS: Martin. In the course of your jog-round, did you happen to instinctively notice whether Arthur had retrieved the bottle of water from the engine exhaust? (Martin whines in anguish. Theres a snapping of plastic.) DOUGLAS: Oh Martin. Youve broken your new shades.

SEASON 2 EPISODE 5: Kuala Lumpur

(Radio on.) FITTON AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL (over radio): Welcome home, Golf Tango India. Vacate runway to your right and taxi to your stand. MARTIN (flicking switches): Thank you, Karl. Oh, incidentally, be advised: as we landed we saw a large hawk or kestrel about fifty feet from the runway. KARL: Noted, Golf Tango India. What was it doing? DOUGLAS: Watching how its supposed to be done. This week, Kuala Lumpur! (Portacabin office door opens.) ARTHUR: Mum? Can I borrow your car? CAROLYN: Why? Whats wrong with your car? ARTHUR: Its really old and its a horrible colour and it smells of duffel coats. CAROLYN: Well, whats wrong with it thats stopping you driving it? ARTHUR: Only those things, but I thought since we were on standby this week, I might go for some drives in anice car, like yours. CAROLYN: No you wont because you and I will be using this week to see if we can ease your stewarding skills up above that crucial dividing line between Very Bad and merely Bad. Im going to be your Mystery Passenger. ARTHUR: Brilliant! Will there be clues? CAROLYN: I mean we are going to sit in the plane and youre going to practise serving me. ARTHUR: Right! So whats the mystery? CAROLYN: The mystery is who I am. ARTHUR: And who are you? CAROLYN: Im me. ARTHUR: Thats not very mysterious. CAROLYN (wearily): Oh, lifes too short. You and I are going to pretend to be a steward and a passenger ARTHUR: Ah, right! Bagsie be the steward! (Knock on the door, which then opens.) MARTIN: Hello, Carolyn? Um, just had a thought. CAROLYN: Oh good! A pilot with a thought! How the gods smile upon me. MARTIN: It just occurred to me, for weeks like this, we really ought to have a pilots lounge. CAROLYN (sternly): A what? MARTIN: A pilots lounge. CAROLYN: Martin, the very last thing I want to do is encourage either of you to do any more lounging than you already do. MARTIN: It wouldnt be for lounging in. It would be for our briefings; doing our log books. I thought maybe each month one of us could present a paper on some aspect of aviation that interests us. CAROLYN: And to think, a moment ago, I thought the idea couldnt sound less ap pealing.

ARTHUR: But, Mum, you-you could make money out of it. You could sell drinks. CAROLYN: Without a licence to pilots?! ARTHUR: No-no, I mean tea and coffee and things to David and George from Engineering, and the fire crew, and Karl the ATC; even Dirk the grounds man. MARTIN: Er, no, no, no i-it would be a pilots lounge, not for those guys for the pilots. ARTHUR: But that doesnt make sense. Im not a pilot. MARTIN: No. ARTHUR: But Id be allowed in. MARTIN: No. ARTHUR: Oh! CAROLYN: Martin, if you can find an empty room on the airfield, you are welcome to sit in it; and if you can lure Douglas in and then keep him there long enough to read a paper at him, youre a better man than I am, Gunga Din. Close the door on your way out. MARTIN: But CAROLYN: On which, you should now go. Im sorry; I thought that was implied. (Sound of someone rattling a door handle in an attempt to open the door. Voices are a little echoey.) ARTHUR: Any good, Skip? MARTIN: No, Arthur, because its locked. ARTHUR: Ah. Ooh! Ill tell you where you could try, though how about that scrap DC-10 fuselage out round the back of the hangar? I mean, its probably full of rats and cobwebs and skeletons, but if we clean it up MARTIN: Thats actually not a bad idea. (Footsteps as they head outdoors.) MARTIN: Tell you what, though, Arthur: if it does turn out to be suitable, I thought we might strike a happy compromise between my idea of keeping it just for pilots and your idea of inviting everyone who works on the airfield. ARTHUR: What would that be? MARTIN: Just the pilots. And you. ARTHUR: Ooh! So Id be like an honorary pilot! MARTIN: No, youd just be you. ARTHUR: Great! Although, the engineers and everyone are really good fun. George does these brilliant impressions of fruit. MARTIN: Yes, Im-Im sure theyre great, but-but what I want is a nice civilised arena to compare notes with my fellow professionals. (Footsteps stop.) MARTIN: Right, here it is. (Distant sound of laughter.) MARTIN: Is there is there someone in there?! ARTHUR: Sounds like it. (Fuselage door opens.) GEORGE: All right, next one, next one, next one, right? Number twelve: the conference pear! (Raucous cheering from several people.) ARTHUR: Wow! Dave! George! Everyone! Hi! GEORGE (nervously, as everyone else falls silent): Arthur! Captain Crieff! MARTIN: Can someone please tell me what the hells going on in here? DOUGLAS: Hallo, Martin. MARTIN: Douglas! DOUGLAS: Welcome to the Flap and Throttle. (Cheers from everyone else.) (Outside the fuselage.) ARTHUR: What a brilliant place, Douglas! MARTIN: How longs it been going on? DOUGLAS: We just had our third anniversary, actually. MARTIN: So before I even got here? DOUGLAS: Yes. MARTIN: Why didnt you tell me about it? DOUGLAS: Well, we were just waiting for you to settle in you know, get comfortable with everyone. MARTIN: Ive been here a year and a half! DOUGLAS: And were still waiting. MARTIN: I see. So its an illegal pub for everyone who works on the airfield except me. DOUGLAS: Well, to be honest, I didnt think youd approve.

MARTIN: I dont approve! DOUGLAS: I thought you might have told Carolyn or the airfield manager. MARTIN: I might have done! DOUGLAS: Right. So thats why we didnt tell you. ARTHUR: Yeah, but why didnt you tell me? DOUGLAS: Because it was a secret, Arthur, and you are without a shadow of a doubt the worst liar in the world. ARTHUR (indignantly): Im not! DOUGLAS: All right: answer this question with a lie. Whats your name? ARTHUR: Arth nold man, er cat, sir, man. DOUGLAS: Arthnold Manercatsirman. ARTHUR (dubiously): Yeah. DOUGLAS: Thats an unusual name. Tell me: is it made-up? ARTHUR: Yes, it is. Oh! DOUGLAS: You see, thats the sort of trick question you wanna watch for. Ill tell you a secret: the way to lie convincingly is never make something up. Just tell a different truth. So, if you have to lie about where you were today, tell them where you really were last week. ARTHUR: Ah. DOUGLAS: If you have to give a false name, use a real name you already know. Try again: whats your name? ARTHUR (after a moments thought): Douglas Richardson! DOUGLAS: Better. Not quite perfect. (Sound of a siren.) ARTHUR: Oh. I forgot. Mums waiting for me in the plane. MARTIN: What for? ARTHUR: Shes being my Mystery Passenger. DOUGLAS: Well, good luck. Let us know if you work out who she is. ARTHUR: Right-o! MARTIN (as Arthur walks away): Douglas an illegal pub on an airfield is incredibly dangerous and irresponsible. DOUGLAS: Dont be so melodramatic. No-one drinks when theyre on duty. Its just a bit of fun. Its more about the secret club atmosphere you know, like at school. MARTIN: Not at my school. DOUGLAS: Oh, come on! You must have had secret clubs in the lunch break at least! MARTIN: No, actually. People werent really around during lunch break. I think they went home or (He trails off.) MARTIN: Oh. DOUGLAS: Ah. MARTIN: Well, anyway, I-I-I thought you didnt drink? I thought you hadnt had a drink for nine years? DOUGLAS: Martin, that is a secret. I have carefully built up my reputation as a hard-boozing sky god, and Im not having you spoil it. MARTIN: So what do you drink there? DOUGLAS: If you must know you know every year I win a bottle of Talisker single malt from Carolyn? MARTIN: Steal. DOUGLAS: Win. Well, I keep it in the Flap and Throttle. Everyone knows its for my personal use only. Not everyone knows its refilled with apple juice. MARTIN: Well, Douglas, look, Im sorry. Either you close it down immediately or Ill be forced to inform Carolyn. DOUGLAS: I cant close it down. Its not my pub. If you want it stopped, youll have to come down and tell them yourself all the mechanics, the engineers, the fire crew Dirk the grounds man. MARTIN: Im not afraid of them! DOUGLAS: Nor should you be not even Dirk. MARTIN: Well, Im not. DOUGLAS: Good. MARTIN: Why not even Dirk? DOUGLAS: No reason. I just mean, someone who was afraid of them would probably start by being afraid of Dirk. Its the natural place to start. MARTIN: Well, Im not! And Ill come and tell them this evening. DOUGLAS: Ooh! Full moon! MARTIN: Stop it!

CAROLYN: Arthur, where have you been? I told you to meet me in the cabin half an hour ago. ARTHUR: Sorry, Mum. Ive been Ive been to the dentist. CAROLYN: Oh, have you? ARTHUR: Yes, I have. He said Ive been brushing really well but to watch out for my gums. CAROLYN: Right so no real change since last week, then, when I took you. ARTHUR: Oh yeah. CAROLYN: Leave the lying to Douglas, dear. Hes the professional. So: its a normal flight; Im the passengers; youre you. Off we go. ARTHUR: W-wait-wait. Where are we going? CAROLYN: Well, it doesnt matter. Er, Pisa. ARTHUR (disappointed): Oh! We went to Pisa last week. CAROLYN: Well, where do you want us to go, then? ARTHUR: Kuala Lumpur. CAROLYN: Why Kuala Lumpur? ARTHUR: Its like Helsinki: Ive always wanted to go there. It sounds like CAROLYN (interrupting): Arthur. Let me warn you: I am not in the best of tempers and I strongly advise you notto start talking about a city populated by either koalas or Oompa Loompas. ARTHUR: I have nothing to say. CAROLYN: Good! And go! (In a posher voice) Excuse me, steward. Where can I smoke my cigarette? ARTHUR: Oh! Im sorry, madam This is brilliant! Its like acting! CAROLYN (normal voice): Get on with it! ARTHUR: Im sorry, madam, er, but for your happy convenience, cigarettes may not be enjoyed anywhere on board at this time. CAROLYN: Oh. All right. What about this pipe? ARTHUR: Im not sure. Um, let me just ask my CAROLYN: Shes not on board. ARTHUR: Oh, okay. Er, well I I-Im gonna go for no. Sorry. CAROLYN: A reefer? ARTHUR: I dont. CAROLYN: Its medicinal. ARTHUR: Ooh, medicinal! Well, I expect, er CAROLYN: No! ARTHUR: No! I expect no! Thats what I was gonna say: I expect definitely not! CAROLYN: Arthur. Here are the things you can smoke on board ARTHUR: Ooh, no, hang on, wait. Ill write it down. CAROLYN: You dont need to write it down! Its nothing! You cant smoke anything on the plane. ARTHUR: Nothing. CAROLYN: Nothing. ARTHUR: Id still quite like to write it down. (Drinking glasses clink.) DOUGLAS: Okay, hes on his way. Now, remember: were aiming for something between the bar in Cheers and the Mess Hall in Dam Busters; and I know youd think if you use Captain in every sentence hell think youre taking the piss, but actually, he wont. Right, here he is. (The fuselage door opens. Everyone cheers.) DOUGLAS: Welcome, Martin, to the Flap and Throttle. GEORGE: Pleasure to see you here, Captain. DAVE: An honour, Captain, a real honour. MARTIN: Whats going on? DOUGLAS: I mentioned you were coming down and, well, everyone was very excited. MARTIN: Well I hope you told them why I was coming. DOUGLAS: Of course not. Thats your job. DAVE: Now its a proper club, isnt it? GEORGE: Yeah. Its all very well havin the first officer down ere, but the captain, Captain thats different. MARTIN: Then why didnt you ask me? DAVE: Never thought youd accept, Captain. GEORGE: We thought youd be one of those standoffish captains, Captain too grand to mix with the ground staff. MARTIN (clearing his throat awkwardly): Yes, well Look, you dont have to call me Captain all the time, you know. GEORGE: Oh, right. MARTIN: Skipper will do.

DAVE: Thanks, Skipper. Appreciate it. MARTIN: Well, all right, listen er, men. Er, the fact is DAVE: No, hang on, hang on, hang on. Cant have the skipper giving a speech without a glass in his hand. What you havin, Skipper? GEORGE: No, no. Im the chief engineer. I get to buy Skip a drink. MARTIN: Ah, well, this this is just it. Er, I-I-I-Im afraid I simply cant DOUGLAS (interrupting): Martin, a quick word. MARTIN: Now? DOUGLAS: Operational matter. MARTIN: All right. DOUGLAS (quietly): Martin, its up to you, of course, but I just thought I should let you know: these people are very proud. In their culture, theres nothing more insulting than to spurn a gift. Its a terrible loss of face. MARTIN: What, engineers?! A-are you sure youre not thinking of the Japanese? DOUGLAS: Well, theres so many great Japanese engineers, the cultures rubbed off on them. MARTIN: Douglas, I cant allow an illegal bar to operate on an airfield property, still less partake myself. What would Carolyn say if she found out? DOUGLAS: I dont know. Then again, these guys are all self-employed. If you close down their pub, theyll probably refuse to work for us, and then MJN would fold instantly. I dont know what shed say about that, either. But its your choice. GEORGE: ere we are, Skipper. Your first pint at the Flap and Throttle. DAVE: First of many. MARTIN: No, really, stop it. You-you must understand, I really cannot accept this drink. (Silence falls.) GEORGE: You cant accept it? DAVE: Well, why not, Skipper? MARTIN: Because as the skipper first round is my round! (Cheering.) CAROLYN: All right. Today, were going to build on yesterda Were not going to let yesterday get us down. Now, lets see you taking meal orders. Go. ARTHUR: Hello, madam. Chicken or beef? CAROLYN: Beef, please. ARTHUR: Okay. How did I do? CAROLYN: Keep going! ARTHUR: Oh. Er, right-o. Hallo, madam. Chicken or beef? CAROLYN: Chicken, please. ARTHUR: You said, Beef, just now. CAROLYN: I was being someone different! ARTHUR: Thats pretty confusing, Mum. Couldnt you at least do a different voice? CAROLYN: No I couldnt! ARTHUR: Please? Because in real life theyd have different voices. And faces. CAROLYN: Oh, all right. (In a bad Scottish accent) Chicken, please. ARTHUR: Certainly, madam! And for you, madam? CAROLYN (deep voice): Sir. ARTHUR: I beg your pardon, sir. Er, chicken or beef? CAROLYN (deep voice): How is the chicken cooked? ARTHUR: Four minutes on defrost; shake the bag; three minutes on full. CAROLYN (normal voice): No! Dont tell them that! ARTHUR: Sorry, are you being you again, or him, or one of the others? CAROLYN: Me! Just dont tell him we reheat it. ARTHUR: Well, he must know! I mean, obviously we dont have a whole kitchen back there! Hes not stupid. CAROLYN: Yes he is. Everyone on this plane is stupid until proved otherwise. ARTHUR: Shall I put that on the list? CAROLYN: Isnt it there already? ARTHUR (unfolding a piece of paper): Er, The customer is always: Wrong ; Rude ; Late ; Witless ; Loud ; Drunk ; Thieving; and Sly. I suppose Witless sort of covers stupid. CAROLYN: Oh, I dont know. Stick Stupid down as well. Have you got Rude? ARTHUR (consulting his paper again): Er, yep. CAROLYN: Put it down again. Its a good one. (Background conversation.) DOUGLAS: You say that, Dave, but they equalised within ten minutes, so I-I dont

(Fuselage door opens and closes.) MARTIN: Evening, chaps! DOUGLAS: Oh, hello, Martin. DAVE and GEORGE (disinterestedly): All right? MARTIN: Sorry. I-I didnt mean to interrupt. Er, carry on. DAVE: Oh, we were just talkin about, er Did you see the match, Skipper? MARTIN: The match? No, I missed the match. I-I think we were on a trip. GEORGE: It only finished twenty minutes ago. MARTIN: Oh, that match! Oh, I was thinking of another match. No, I didnt see that one either. I missed missed both the matches. DAVE: Right. Well, I was just sayin, City never had a hope once they were down to ten. MARTIN: Yes, well, a-as I say, I missed it. DAVE: Yeah, but you see what Im sayin? MARTIN: Oh yeah yeah! Yeah, of course, yes, I see what youre saying. Tens tens not enough. You need a lot more than-than ten! DAVE: Well, you need eleven. MARTIN: Thats what I mean eleven, yes! Thats what you need. Not ten. GEORGE: Who do you support, Skipper? MARTIN: In football? GEORGE: Yeah. MARTIN: England. W no, I mean obviously, er, England and er United. DAVE: Which United? MARTIN (very hesitantly): Nottingham. DAVE: Nottingham United? Never eard of em. What league are they in? MARTIN: I dont follow that closely, actually. GEORGE: Yeah, but you must know what league theyre in. DOUGLAS: In many ways, theyre in a league of their own. Arent they, Martin? MARTIN: Yes, thats right. (He laughs nervously.) GEORGE: Right. (He chuckles.) You from up Nottingham way originally, then? MARTIN: No Wokingham. Down Wokingham way! DAVE: Whyd you pick Nottingham to follow, then? MARTIN: Well Nottingham, Wokingham they sound very similar. (Awkward silence for a moment.) MARTIN: Tell you what, though, George, er, youll be interested in this. You know that little Cherokee that was out doing circuits today? Well, on his third landing, he (Cries of Ohh! from everyone, as someone repeatedly rings a bell behind the bar.) GEORGE, DAVE and OTHERS: Oh, shop! (This gradually turns into a chant of Shop, shop, shop, shop!) MARTIN (anxiously): Whats going on?! What have I done?! DAVE: Talkin shop, Skip. Sorry automatic round forfeit. MARTIN: What?! DOUGLAS: Flap and Throttle house rules, Im afraid, Martin. Anyone caught talking shop has to buy a round for the whole bar. MARTIN: Then, how dyou talk about flying? GEORGE: Well, you cant, can you? Thats the point. MARTIN: So what dyou talk about? DAVE: I dunno! Music, sport, women! GEORGE: The meanin o life. Anything but bloody planes, eh? MARTIN: Yes. Yeah, of course. (Sadly, his voice getting quieter) Yeah, who wants to talk about stupid aviation? (The bell begins to ring again and everyone takes up a new chant.) EVERYONE: A-bomb! A-bomb! DOUGLAS: Oh, come on! Go easy on him, chaps! Hes new! DAVE: A-bomb! DOUGLAS: Oh, all right, fine. Sorry, Martin. The A word is banned. MARTIN (nervously): Oh, I-I-I see. (He chuckles.) A-another round for everyone? GEORGE: Ooh! DOUGLAS: No Im afraid having two consecutive forfeits incurs a Whoops Johnny. (The patrons laugh gleefully.) MARTIN: A what?! EVERYONE (in a chant): Whoops-Johnny-Johnny-Johnny, Whoops-Johnny, Whoops-Johnny-JohnnyJohnny-Johnny!

(They all cheer.) MARTIN (his voice full of dread): Oh God. CAROLYN: Okay, same as yesterday. Youve got chicken or beef; but today Ill throw in some unusual diets. ARTHUR: Great. Dont forget to do the voices! Hallo, sir or madam. CAROLYN (in a sort of Southern American voice): Madam. ARTHUR: Madam. Er, would you like chicken or beef? CAROLYN (same American voice): Well, now, that all depends. You see, Im a celiac. ARTHUR: Ooh! Lovely! Chicken or beef? CAROLYN (American): It means Im gluten-intolerant. ARTHUR: Well, Ill-Ill try not to be too gluten annoying. CAROLYN (American): It means I cant eat gluten. ARTHUR: Weve got chicken or beef. CAROLYN (American): Gluten is in wheat products. ARTHUR: Oh, right! Yeah, with you. Erm, I think theyre both fine. CAROLYN (American): No wheat in either? ARTHUR: Dont think so. CAROLYN (American): Right. Then I will have the chicken. ARTHUR: Okey-dokey. CAROLYN (in her normal voice): Which is coated in breadcrumbs, so Ill have a violent reaction, my airways will swell up and maybe Ill die. ARTHUR: Perhaps the beef. CAROLYN: Arthur, what things are made of wheat? ARTHUR: Er, wheat cakes Weetabix those little straw dollies CAROLYN: Bread! Bread is made of wheat. ARTHUR (smiling disbelievingly): No. CAROLYN: Yes! What did you think it was made of? ARTHUR: Its not made of anything! Its just bread. CAROLYN: So where does it come from? ARTHUR: Well, I dont know. It (Long pause.) ARTHUR: Wow! DOUGLAS: Five, four, three, two, one. (A watch or clock alarm bleeps.) DOUGLAS: And so ends another eventful shift. Right, Martin, see you in the Flap and Throttle later? MARTIN (unhappily): Yes. DOUGLAS: Good! And dont forget to bring your shin pads. Its Skittles night! MARTIN: Why-why-why do I need shin pads for Skittles? DOUGLAS: Oh, the way we play it, if youre not bowling youre a skittle. MARTIN: Oh God. DOUGLAS: You all right? MARTIN: No. DOUGLAS: Why not? MARTIN (frantically): I hate it! Douglas, I really, really, really hate it. I hate the drinking games and the pop quizzes and the round forfeits and the competitive farting, and the Whoops Johnnys and the bloody anchovies DOUGLAS: If its any consolation, I thought you coped very well with being anchovied. You had a real quiet dignity. MARTIN: I just cant stand it! DOUGLAS: Well, I suppose you could it would be a wrench for all of us, of course but you could stop coming in. MARTIN: No! I cant! DOUGLAS: Cant you? MARTIN: Of course not! You saw what it was like when I first arrived: they were overjoyed! They said I made it a proper club; and they said it proved I wasnt standoffish, so if I stop going now, itll prove I am standoffish. I-I only wish Id never found out about the wretched place. And now I know about it, I have to go! Im trapped Im trapped-trapped like a (He pauses as he seeks the right word.) DOUGLAS: tinned anchovy?

CAROLYN: All right. Today were going to put everything weve covered so far together. I might throw anythingat you possibly literally. Are you ready? ARTHUR (a little nervously): Yeah. And if I manage it, can I borrow your car? CAROLYN: Arthur, you havent managed any of these things on their own. What makes you think you can handle them together? ARTHUR: I cant eat eggs and flour and sugar on their own, but I can eat cake. CAROLYN: All right but only if you really manage it. ARTHUR: Actually, I can eat eggs on their own. And sugar. And flour. CAROLYN: Go! (She impersonates ringing the service bell.) Ding-ding! (In a very posh voice) I say, steward, can my little girl go up on the flight deck for landing? ARTHUR: Er, yes, Im sure thats fine. CAROLYN (normal voice): No! ARTHUR: Oh! CAROLYN: Its against the law. ARTHUR: Right. CAROLYN: Ding-ding! (In a Welsh accent) Excuse me. Could you let the oxygen masks down so we can have a practice with them? ARTHUR: Er, yes, of course. Ill just go and CAROLYN (normal voice): No! You cant! Ding-ding! (In the voice of an elderly woman) Excuse me, dear, Im blind. Could you guide me to the toilet? ARTHUR: No! No I cant! CAROLYN (normal voice): Yes! Yes you can! ARTHUR: Yes! Yes I can! CAROLYN: Ding-ding! (In a deep voice, pretending to be a man) Excuse me Im still waiting for my whiskey. ARTHUR: Er, yes CAROLYN: Ding-ding! (In a French accent) And when are you going to take away my tray? (Arthur flails wordlessly.) CAROLYN: Ding-ding! (In a little girls voice) Mister, my tummy feels funny. ARTHUR (hysterically): Shut up! All of you shut up! CAROLYN (normal voice): Arthur, you cant ARTHUR: You too! Right, French lady, Ill take your tray; you show the blind lady to th e loo. CAROLYN (French accent): No! Zis is not my job! ARTHUR: Just do it! And Mr. Powell, could you please CAROLYN (normal voice): Whos Mr. Powell? ARTHUR: The man who wants his whiskey. I have to give them names or its just confusing. And he looks like Mr. Powell who taught me history. CAROLYN: Arthur, he looks like me! ARTHUR: Mum, excuse me, I am trying to talk to Mr. Powell. Mr. Powell, could you look after the little girl, please? CAROLYN (deep voice): I will do nothing of the sort! Im a passenger! ARTHUR: Okay, in that case: ding-ding! (In an Australian accent) Hi dont worry, mate, Ill look after the little Sheila! (In his normal voice) Oh, thank you so much. (Australian accent) No worries, mate! CAROLYN: Arthur! You cannot be passengers! ARTHUR: You never said I couldnt! Ding-ding! (In a high-pitched Scottish accent) And Ill show the blind lady to the loo! (Normal voice) Thank you! (Scottish accent) Oh, its ma pleasure, hoots! CAROLYN: Arthur! ARTHUR (increasingly frenetically): Shush! So, Bluey, youll look after the little girl. (Australian accent) Yip!(Normal voice) Mrs Badcrumble, youll look after the blind lady. (Scottish accent) Aye, I will. (Normal voice)Madame Froufrou, let me take your tray. Mr. Powell, heres your whiskey. Now ding-ding, the seatbelt signs are on. Everybody sit down and shut up! (Slight pause.) ARTHUR (calmer): How did I do? CAROLYN: Well, its not how they teach it in the training courses but I have to admit, it is what I might have done. Here: (jingle of car keys) catch. (Sound of the keys being thrown and then caught.) MARTIN: So, I mean, I-I was within limits but it was a ticklish little crosswind sixty, sixty-five, but gusting seventy and I thought to myself, Well, I have seven options here DAVE (despairingly): Seven. MARTIN: Ah! Quite right, Dave, yes! Eight. (He chuckles.) You see, Id been given the one-nine runway but d-dyou know the airport at Nice?

DAVE: No. MARTIN: Oh well, Ill just explain the layout. Theyve got this very DAVE: Look, I mean yes. Yes. I do know it. MARTIN: Are you sure? Because you really wont understand this story if you dont. Ill just refresh your memory. Theres a very odd (Fuselage door opens.) ARTHUR: Hi, chaps. DAVE (with frantic relief in his voice): Arthur! There you are! ARTHUR: Hi, Dave. I said Id pop in, didnt I? DAVE: Yes, you did! You said youd pop in at seven forty-five; and now its gone eight! ARTHUR: I said about seven forty-five. MARTIN: Well, it doesnt matter hes here now. Come and join us, Arthur. I was, er, just telling Dave about the landing into Nice. ARTHUR: Ooh, what about the talking shop forfeit? MARTIN: Oh, Ive paid for that. DAVE: Yeah, yeah. He bought me a drink. So now he can talk about flying (he tries to suppress a sigh) as much as he likes. MARTIN: So, there I was DAVE: Actually, Ive-Ive gotta go now. MARTIN: Oh, really? I-I thought you wanted to see Arthur. DAVE: No, no. Ive gotta go. MARTIN: Oh well. I-Ill finish the story another time. DAVE: No! Finish it now. Definitely. Arthur can fill me in later. (Fuselage door closes.) MARTIN: Thats odd. Thats exactly what George did half an hour ago. Its like you all cant stand to be in each others company. (He chuckles. Arthur laughs nervously.) ARTHUR: That is odd. MARTIN: I mean, I must say, I do like it being this quiet. It just seems, you know, strange given how busy it was those first few days (He draws in a breath.) Oh. I see. Arthur? ARTHUR: Hello. MARTIN: Where have you just come from, Arthur? ARTHUR: I had dinner and then I went for a walk and then I came here. MARTIN: Where did you have dinner? ARTHUR: An Italian restaurant. MARTIN: What, in Fitton? ARTHUR: Yep. MARTIN: That doesnt sound much like you. ARTHUR: No. Im quite enigmatic, though. MARTIN: And Id have thought youd have had enough of Italian food since we were in Pisa last week. ARTHUR: No. That just whetted my appetite. MARTIN: Who did you have dinner with? ARTHUR: Er, Douglas and you. (Quickly correcting himself) wouldnt know the other person! MARTIN: What was his name? ARTHUR: Mark MARTIN: Mark Manercatsirman? ARTHUR: No Mark er (he gasps excitedly as he thinks of a name) Ramprakash! MARTIN: Of course(!) And the walk afterwards: where did you, Douglas and Mark Ramprakash go? ARTHUR (his voice becoming increasingly plaintive): We went to see the Tower of Air Traffic Control. MARTIN: The Leaning Tower of Air Traffic Control? ARTHUR (frantically): How do people do it?! How do they lie? Its impossible! MARTIN: Wheres the new pub, Arthur? ARTHUR (instantly): The mechanics loading bay. MARTIN: Right! (Hubbub of voices chatting. A door opens.) ARTHUR: Er, Douglas? DOUGLAS: Arthur? Arent you supposed to be on Martin-sitting duty? Ah. ARTHUR: Sorry. MARTIN: Hello, Douglas. DOUGLAS: Skipper! Welcome to the Windsock Arms!

MARTIN: Dont Skipper me. So this is where everyones been. DOUGLAS: Where everyones been busy preparing your surprise! MARTIN (angrily): Oh please, Douglas. Dont bother. DOUGLAS: All right. But we just thought, as captain, you were entitled to your own private bar, while we MARTIN (bitterly): went off and set up another cooler gang that Im not allowed in. Yes, yes, I get it. Well, bad luck. (Sound of a number being dialled on a mobile phone.) DOUGLAS: No, Martin, dont. MARTIN: Hi, Carolyn? DOUGLAS: No! MARTIN: I think you ought to come over to the mechanics loading bay. DOUGLAS: Dont say why. MARTIN: Because theres an unlicensed bar in it, thats why. DOUGLAS: Oh, great. (Martin hangs up.) MARTIN: Shes coming straight over. DOUGLAS: I thought she might. All right everyone get out, but drain your glasses first. GEORGE: What? Why? DOUGLAS: Just do it. GEORGE: Oh. MARTIN (as glasses are drained and put down, and everyone else leaves) : There-theres no point in that. All the bottles are still sitting on the bar; and anyway, I have to tell her everything. DOUGLAS: Really, Martin? Everything? Including the four days you spent as a pillar of the Flap and Throttle? MARTIN: Yes, but I didnt want to. A-a-and anyway, this isnt about that pub; its about this pub the one you left me out of. DOUGLAS: You wanted to be left out of it! You told me so! You wanted to go back to not knowing! I was tryingto help. MARTIN: What? Oh, no. Oh. Douglas, Im sorry. I-I-Im sorry! I didnt realise! I look, I-I, erm, Ill phone her back and DOUGLAS: Too late. (Sound of footsteps on metal steps outside.) DOUGLAS: Dont worry. Tell her everything like you were going to, but get ready to follow my lead. MARTIN: All right. (Door opens.) CAROLYN: What on earth is going ? Oh. DOUGLAS: Evening, Carolyn. Welcome to the Windsock Arms! CAROLYN: Oh, Douglas. This is too far, even for you. Providing unlicensed alcohol on an airfield to airfield staff on duty? Martin, how long have you known about this? MARTIN: I just discovered it now; just now; just immediately now. CAROLYN: Whos been coming here, Douglas? DOUGLAS: Ah, well The thing is, I have a terrible memory for faces. CAROLYN: I want a list of the names of everyone whos been drinking here. DOUGLAS: Also names. Faces and names those are my weak spots. CAROLYN: Douglas, Im serious. We need to have a talk. DOUGLAS: Always a pleasure; never a chore. CAROLYN: in which I may have to fire you. DOUGLAS: Quite right too. CAROLYN: Im not joking. DOUGLAS: Absolutely not! Its terribly serious and thats certainly how you should react if I ever set up an illegal bar in the airfield. CAROLYN: You have! DOUGLAS: Well, no, I havent. You see, Carolyn, I am your Mys tery Perpetrator of Gross Professional Misconduct. Hallo. CAROLYN: What? DOUGLAS: Arthur was telling me about all the fun youve been having with the Mystery Passenger lessons, and I thought it was a shame for you and Martin to miss out, so I arranged this and you both did terribly well! CAROLYN: Douglas, I am not an idiot. This place is full of booze. DOUGLAS: But is it, though? Martin, pass me one of those bottles, would you? Absolutely any one at all. Your free choice. (Clinking of a bottle.)

MARTIN: Here you are. DOUGLAS: Ah, the Talisker! Excellent choice, sir. (Sound of liquid pouring into a glass.) DOUGLAS: There we are. On the house. Tell me what you think. CAROLYN (taking a drink): Apple juice. DOUGLAS: It does have apple-y overtones, doesnt it? Or, if you prefer, I can do you water, cold tea, or I thinkthis ones mouthwash. CAROLYN: You went to all this trouble just to wind me up? DOUGLAS: You and Martin. It was an irresistible two-for-the-price-of-one deal. CAROLYN: You are an infantile time-wasting sorry excuse for a pilot, and I ought to fire you anyway just to teach you a lesson. DOUGLAS: Yes. Funny, though, wasnt it? CAROLYN: Martin. MARTIN: Yes? CAROLYN: Are you still there? MARTIN: Yes. CAROLYN: Then dont be. MARTIN: Right. CAROLYN (as the door closes and the sound of Martins footsteps recedes outside) : Right. Now, Douglas, listen to me. DOUGLAS: Yes, Carolyn? CAROLYN: A double gin and tonic, please, with ice and lemon. DOUGLAS: Coming right up. CAROLYN (as Douglas prepares her drink): Dyou think that went all right? DOUGLAS: Very well, I thought. Im impressed he took four days to tell you. I thought it would be sooner. CAROLYN: Im rather insulted he believed Id fall for that rotten apple juice trick. DOUGLAS: All in a good cause. Now Martin can return to blissful ignorance; the boys can relax again; and you can start coming back to the pub. CAROLYN: Wheres the new one going to be? DOUGLAS: We thought the fire crew break room. The Hose and Hydrant? CAROLYN: Perfect. Cheers. DOUGLAS: Cheers. (They clink glasses.)

SEASON 2 EPISODE 6: Limerick

(Bing-bong.) DOUGLAS (over cabin address): Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Were now about halfway through our flight from Hong Kong to Limerick, and I just thought Id let you know that I am bored. Bored, bored, bored, bored bored. We are, unbelievably, still flying over Russia, which continues to be stupidly big. Reallyenormous. Far bigger than necessary. Weve been in the air now for about a week, and it doesnt look like well be landing until the last syllable of recorded time. So, if anyone on board knows any card tricks, ghost stories, or would like to have some sex, please do make your way to the flight deck. Thank you. (Slight pause.) (Bing-bong.) MARTIN (over cabin address): Er, ladies and gentlemen, I do I do profoundly apologise for my first officer and his badly misjudged attempt at humour. I do hope you werent distressed by his outburst, and -and let me just say in his defence that up here in the flight deck it is unbelievably boring! DOUGLAS: So boring. MARTIN: So very very very very boring! DOUGLAS and MARTIN (simultaneously): Bo-ored! This week, Limerick! MARTIN (yawning): Why does Tipperary always get the blame for it being a long way to? Its an even longer way to Limerick. DOUGLAS: Only by about thirty miles. MARTIN: Mmm. Dont suppose they sing about it much there, then. DOUGLAS: What? Where? MARTIN (singing): Its a long way to Tipperary (speaking) in Limerick. Well, they probably have

their ownversion. (Singing) Its a short way to Tipperary / Im just popping up there now, actually / Can I get you anything? DOUGLAS: Theyre certainly both a hell of a long way from Hong Kong. MARTIN: Thats true. And all just for this. (He pats a box.) MARTIN: Youd think they could pop it in the post, wouldnt you? DOUGLAS: Well, its time-sensitive, of course. And the chap was telling me its more valuable, ounce for ounce, than gold. MARTIN: Hmm. DOUGLAS: Rhymes for flight. MARTIN: Er, bite, fight, night, right DOUGLAS: Ah yes. Heres one: (Bing-bong.) DOUGLAS: Ladies and gentlemen, were just flying over Gloucestershire now. You may be able to make out a town below, though its quite hard to identify through the cloud cover. Or, as they say in Limerick : We hope youre enjoying the flight. On your left were just coming in sight Of Swindon or Stroud All covered in cloud, And its much the same thing on the right. MARTIN (as if inspired): Davina McCall. DOUGLAS: Yes, fair enough. You can have that. (Intercom on.) ARTHUR (over intercom): Hi, chaps. N-nice one, Douglas. Um, but just to settle an argument, though CAROLYN (from further away in the cabin): Its not an argument. Its you being wrong. ARTHUR: Just to settle a me being wrong, are we really over Swindon and Stroud? DOUGLAS: No, Arthur not for hours yet. CAROLYN: Told you, clot. DOUGLAS: Wishful thinking, Im afraid; and I felt Swindon and Stroud might be easier to rhyme than Krasnomaysky and Vyshny Volochyok. ARTHUR: Oh, right. Mizhny Molomek. Gizhny Gologek. Chizhny Jolojek yes, I see what you mean. Vishny Volovek. DOUGLAS: Yes. Maybe we could leave you to go through the rest of the alphabet off the intercom? ARTHUR: Okay. Ooh, before I go, though, er, whats the time? MARTIN: Wheres your watch? ARTHUR: Its broken. I was trying to find out the difference between splash-proof and waterproof. MARTIN: Well, Arthur, the time is just coming up to nine sixteen now. DOUGLAS: Yes. Or, to be a little more precise, six thirty-three. MARTIN: No it isnt. DOUGLAS: Yes it is. MARTIN: No it Damn. Its done it again. (He taps his watch.) DOUGLAS: You see, Arthur, you and Martin have something in common. ARTHUR: Brilliant! DOUGLAS: Its that both of your watches are broken. MARTIN: No it isnt. Its just bedding in. CAROLYN: Arthur. Arthur, its an intercom, not a chat line. Youre supposed to be putting the dinner on. ARTHUR: Oh, right. Sorry, Mum. (Intercom off.) MARTIN: Just cause you cant bear to admit that I picked up a genuine Patek Philippe for almost nothing. DOUGLAS (pointedly): In Hong Kong. MARTIN: Look, Im not stupid. I realise most of the watches in shops like that are fakes, and thats why I went for this one. This this was the one he didnt want to show m e. DOUGLAS: Oh yes? MARTIN: Yes. You see, at first he got out his standard tourist trap tray of Roolexes and Obegas and I just said to him, Look, I-I-Im not a tourist. Im an airline pilot. DOUGLAS: You should have told him you were a captain. MARTIN: I did, actually. DOUGLAS: Imagine my surprise. MARTIN: No, but I was too clever for him. I spotted this one right at the back of the high shelf and he said (in a bad Chinese accent) Oh, I was hoping you would not see that. DOUGLAS: Did he?! Gosh! So, er, just clarify for me: why did he have it in his shop?

MARTIN: What? DOUGLAS: Why did he put something that he hoped he wouldnt have to sell in his shop? Why not put it I dont know under his bed? Is it like a forfeit system hes set up for himself ? (Flight deck door opens.) CAROLYN: Evening, drivers. Oh, isnt that a lovely sunset? MARTIN and DOUGLAS (simultaneously): No its not. CAROLYN: Oh, all right! Now, Douglas, give me a bing-bong. DOUGLAS: Oh, but Carolyn, this is all so sudden. CAROLYN: Oh, ho-ho. Funny pilot. Bing-bong, please. (Bing-bong.) CAROLYN (into cabin address): Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has now illuminated the seat-belt sign, so please ensure your hand baggage and duty free are safely stowed, your tray tables are folded away, and your seat is returned to the upright position. Or, as they say in Limerick: The captain has turned on the signs, So stow away bags of all kinds. Then make sure your tray Is folded away And your seat back no longer reclines. DOUGLAS: Yes. Do I take it youre as bored back there as we are up here? CAROLYN: Well, honestly fourteen hours with a broken DVD player, no passengers to tease, and the ever-present fear that Ill weaken and let Arthur play Charades. MARTIN (frantically): No!! DOUGLAS (urgently): You must be strong! That might well make the boredom levels actually fatal. CAROLYN: I know. Well, havent you two got a game going, or something? MARTIN: We just started one, actually. Agatha Christie. DOUGLAS: Yes, true. Russell Crowe. MARTIN: Good one. CAROLYN: Well, what is it? MARTIN: Its People Who Arent Evil But Have Evil-Sounding Names. Like Russell Crowe. CAROLYN: Whats wrong with Russell Crowe? DOUGLAS (in an evil voice): Russell Crowe. MARTIN (in an evil voice): Russell Crowe. CAROLYN: No, no, no, no, no. (In a deep, movie trailer voice) Russell Crowe, here to save the day! DOUGLAS (in an evil voice): Mark me well (He cackles evilly.) Soon you will rue the day you dared to crossRrrrussell Crowe. CAROLYN: Oh, all right, then, yes. MARTIN: So far Douglas has got him, and Ive got Agatha Christie and (in an evil voice) Davina McCall. CAROLYN: Because obviously it has to be a competition. DOUGLAS: Of course. Its who can get most in half an hour, ending at seven as measured by Martins watch, which adds a pleasingly random element. MARTIN: No it doesnt! CAROLYN: Evelyn Waugh. DOUGLAS: Not bad. (Flight deck door opens.) ARTHUR: Coffee, chaps. (He puts the cups down.) Wow, brilliant sunset. MARTIN: No it isnt. DOUGLAS (simultaneously): No its not. ARTHUR: Oh. Okay. Rubbish sunset. MARTIN: Arthur? M. ARTHUR: What? Ooh! Er, Mountain. Moccasin. Magma. CAROLYN: Whats this now? DOUGLAS: Arthurs trying to learn the phonetic alphabet. He favours the spot -check method of revision. None of the above, Arthur, no. ARTHUR: Er, Molecule. Mongoose. Mosquito! MARTIN: Shorter. ARTHUR: Mosque. CAROLYN: Its a name. ARTHUR: Macnamara. Michinson. Moon! DOUGLAS: A first name. ARTHUR: Er, Martin, er, Maggie, Milly, Molly, Mandy, Matthew, Michael CAROLYN: Nearly! Shorter.

ARTHUR: Mickey! Mick! Mi! Muh! MARTIN: No, Arthur, the phonetic alphabet version of the letter M is not Muh. Its Mike! ARTHUR: Oh! I was close, then. MARTIN: In comparison to Molecule or Milly-Molly-Mandy, yes. ARTHUR: Brilliant. Anyway (picking up the cups again) like I say, coffee. (He puts them down again.) CAROLYN: Careful! Dont put it on that! ARTHUR: Sorry, sorry. Why whats that? CAROLYN: That is the cargo the whole reason were here. ARTHUR: Wow that box? Thats all? Whats in it? MARTIN: Its DOUGLAS: Guess. ARTHUR: Ooh, great! CAROLYN: This could take a while. DOUGLAS: If theres one thing weve got, its a while. Go on, Arthur twenty questions. ARTHUR: Yes, brilliant! Twenty Questions! Or Charades. CAROLYN, MARTIN and DOUGLAS (simultaneously): No! ARTHUR (plaintively): But Ive got a really good one! Oh, all right. Um, is it a diamond? MARTIN: No. Nineteen. ARTHUR: Is it a ruby? MARTIN: No. Eighteen. DOUGLAS: You might want to start with more general questions, Arthur. ARTHUR: Okay. Um, animal, vegetable or mineral? MARTIN: Animal. Seventeen. ARTHUR: Right. Is it bigger than a sheep? CAROLYN: Look at the size of the box. ARTHUR: Oh yeah! Is it bigger than the box? DOUGLAS: Is it bigger than the box its in? No, its not! Fifteen. ARTHUR: Is it alive? DOUGLAS: Ah! Interesting. Debateable. Fourteen. MARTIN: Really? Debateable? DOUGLAS: Wouldnt you say? MARTIN: Oh, yeah, I-I suppose so, yes. ARTHUR: Is it valuable? CAROLYN: No! Of course not(!) A client just chartered a plane and two pilots to fly a packet of crisps halfway round the world(!) Arthur you remember when I told you to put the dinner on? ARTHUR: Yeah. CAROLYN: Did you, in fact, do that? ARTHUR: No. No, now I think about it, I got mixed up and made coffee. CAROLYN: Then perhaps you could have another crack at it now. ARTHUR: Right-o! What are we having? CAROLYN: Admirals pie. ARTHUR: Okay. Is that the same as a Fishermans pie? CAROLYN: No, its not. The admiral and the fisherman favour entirely different pies. ARTHUR: Right-o. How long does it get in the micro? CAROLYN: Three minutes, one minute, three minutes. ARTHUR: Okay! (Flight deck door closes.) DOUGLAS: I dont know when Ive looked forward to a meal more. CAROLYN: Oh, be quiet. (Pause.) CAROLYN: Is it me, or is the sun not getting any lower? DOUGLAS: No, its not just you. MARTIN: Because were flying west into a sunset near the Arctic Circle. DOUGLAS: Every time it just dips behind the horizon, ATC make us climb a thousand feet and up it pops again, like Gods own fiery yo-yo. (Flight deck door opens.) ARTHUR: Sorry. Mum, did you say one minute, three minute, one minute? CAROLYN: Oh, for goodness sake! No! Of course not! What cooks for one minute and stands for three? Its three, one, three. ARTHUR: Oh, right. Okay, actually thats easy to remember, because Ill just think of 433 Squadron, only remember to swap the first two numbers and take three off the middle one!

CAROLYN: Arthur, are you insane? Thats the stupidest way to remember anything Ive ever heard! MARTIN: Also, its not 433 Squadron, its 633 Squadron. ARTHUR: Oh, yeah! Thanks, Skipper. So first, Ive got to add two to the squadron I think it is to get the realsquadron and then swap CAROLYN: No! Dont do any of that. Just remember it. Just use your brain and remember the three numbers. ARTHUR: Yes! Sorry. Three three CAROLYN: No! Oh, come with me. (Flight deck door closes.) MARTIN: So hows Helena? DOUGLAS: What do you mean? What are you getting at? MARTIN: Im asking after the health of your wife. DOUGLAS: Oh yes? As preparation for a crack about her thinking what she thinks? MARTIN: No as a way of finding out how she is. DOUGLAS: Shes fine. MARTIN: Good. Why are you suddenly so ? DOUGLAS: Im not suddenly anything. Anyway, hows your ? MARTIN: My what? DOUGLAS: I dont know. There must be someone by now, no? MARTIN: No. Still no. DOUGLAS: Oh, Martin! Youre a young single airline captain. How difficult can it be? MARTIN: Really really difficult. DOUGLAS: Well, what about cabin crew? MARTIN: Mmm, well, for two very different reasons, Im afraid neither Arthur nor Carolyn quite float my boat. DOUGLAS: Not our cabin crew everybody elses. All those gorgeous stewardesses down route. MARTIN: Actually, I think the whole hosties are easy thing is a bit of a sexist male fantasy. DOUGLAS: No its not. MARTIN: Oh, right. You pull stewardesses all the time, then, do you? DOUGLAS: Certainly not. Im a happily married man. MARTIN: Yes, right, but you have done. DOUGLAS: More than you can possibly imagine. MARTIN: Well thats not true for a start. I can imagine a thousand stewardesses. DOUGLAS: And your point is ? (Flight deck door opens.) ARTHUR: Er, chaps, two quick things DOUGLAS: J. ARTHUR: What? Ooh, er, Justin, Jeffrey, Jilly, Jenny, Georgina. MARTIN: Its one half of a famous pair of lovers? ARTHUR: June! DOUGLAS: If you can imagine such a thing, a pair of lovers even more famous than Terry and June. MARTIN: Romeo and ARTHUR: Jomeo. Julio. Juliet! MARTIN and DOUGLAS: Yes! ARTHUR: Yes! I got that quite quickly, didnt I? DOUGLAS: Quite quickly. ARTHUR: Yeah. Er, now, yeah, two things: er, firstly, Douglas, what was that place again? DOUGLAS: What place? ARTHUR: The one we were over? The one you said I couldnt rhyme? DOUGLAS: Oh, er, Vyshny Volochyok. ARTHUR: Yeah. Well, I thought, what if you had a musical instrument, right, and you wanted to make sure there werent any sea creatures on it DOUGLAS: Yes? ARTHUR: youd do a fish-free oboe check. DOUGLAS: Yes. Not bad. Not good, though. ARTHUR: Is it human? MARTIN: What? ARTHUR: The thing in the box. Is it human, like a part of the body? MARTIN: Oh. No. Twelve. ARTHUR: Right. So its animal, not human, valuable, smaller than the box its in, and may or may not be alive. DOUGLAS: Like Schrdingers cat. ARTHUR: Is it a Schrdingers cat?

MARTIN: No. Eleven. ARTHUR: Is it an animal? MARTIN: No. Ten. ARTHUR: A plant? MARTIN: No. Nine. ARTHUR: But it might be alive. MARTIN: Yes. Eight. ARTHUR: Is it magic? (Flight deck door opens.) CAROLYN: Arthur. Why is there a half-cooked Admirals pie congealing in the microwave? ARTHUR: Oh! I forgot about it. It was just having its little rest in the middle, because otherwise it goes all bubbly at the edges and you have to CAROLYN: Yes, thank you, Heston Blumenthal. Just sort it out. ARTHUR: Right-o. (Flight deck door closes.) DOUGLAS: Heston Blumenthal. CAROLYN: Yes. You know, the chef. DOUGLAS: Yes, I know. I meant (evil voice) Heston Blumenthal. MARTIN: Oh! Yes, of course. Damn! CAROLYN: But that was mine! DOUGLAS: Finders, keepers. CAROLYN: Oh, all right. Ah! Calista Flockhart. MARTIN: Yes! Very good. DOUGLAS: No, no, I dont think so. CAROLYN: What do you mean? (In an evil voice) Tremble, puny mortals, for I am she who is known as Calista Flockhart! DOUGLAS: Well, you can do any name in the voice, but theres nothing wrong with it. Its, er, well Calista is from the Latin for beautiful; and Flockhart what could be nicer than a flock of hearts? CAROLYN: Calista, suggesting calluses and blisters; Flock, suggesting flog, pluck and pick; Calista Flockhart, the callused, blistered one who comes to flog and pluck your heart. DOUGLAS: Nonsense. MARTIN: Just because she reminds you of one of your old girlfriends. DOUGLAS: Well, not so much reminds me of. MARTIN: I dont believe it! DOUGLAS: Speaking of which, Martin, have you thought about internet dating? MARTIN: Douglas! DOUGLAS: What? Theres no stigma to it these days. MARTIN: Douglas! Carolyns here! DOUGLAS: Oh, were all friends here! You should try it. MARTIN: Well, I had a look at a site once, but you have to go on and on about your hobbies and outside interests and you know DOUGLAS: Yes. Not your strong suit. MARTIN: Anyway, I dont want all the weight of expectation. I just want to find a nice, natural, low -stakes way to meet people. CAROLYN: I find walking the dog works rather well. (Startled silence.) CAROLYN: Oh, hello. Ive finally found the flight deck mute button, have I? Any particular reason it should be so surprising that I might be interested in meeting someone too? MARTIN and DOUGLAS (more or less simultaneously): No! No, of course not! CAROLYN: Well, then. As I say, I can wholly recommend having a dog around. Anyone with a dog is allowed to talk to anyone else with a dog. Its like a-a secret loophole for allowing the English to talk to strangers. (Her voice becomes a little sad.) What I dont so much recommend is having your twenty-nine year old son living at home with you. Its a biggish house, of course, and he has his own part of it, but even so, a house containing Arthur is very difficult to mistake for an empty house. (She recovers and becomes more stern.) CAROLYN: None of this is any business of yours, miserable underlings! DOUGLAS: No. It was wrong of us to ask(!) CAROLYN: Yes! Well! Things to do! (Flight deck door closes.) MARTIN: Well! DOUGLAS: Well! (Flight deck door opens.)

MARTIN: Arthur F! ARTHUR: Ooh! Fox! DOUGLAS: Nearly. ARTHUR: Er Foxes! MARTIN: Fox something. Fox what? ARTHUR: Foxwhat. Fox Hat. Fox Head. Fox Clock. Fox Face! Fox Box! MARTIN: No! Not Fox Box! Its a type of dance. ARTHUR: Tango! MARTIN: No! The phonetic alphabet for F is not Tango! DOUGLAS: Foxtrot. ARTHUR: Ohhhh! I nearly said that. I got the fox bit. MARTIN: Well done(!) ARTHUR: Anyway, I just popped in to ask: is it man made? MARTIN: What? ARTHUR: The thing in the box is it made by a man? MARTIN: Oh, no. ARTHUR: Is it made by an animal? MARTIN: You see, thats a really stupid question that you just happen to have got lucky with. Yes. ARTHUR: Brilliant! How many have I got left? MARTIN: Dunno. About ten? ARTHUR: Okay Is it made by bees? MARTIN: No. Nine. ARTHUR: Worms? MARTIN: No. Eight. ARTHUR: Dogs? MARTIN: No. Seven. ARTHUR: Tigers? MARTIN: No. Six. Are you sure this is the line of questioning you want to pursue? ARTHUR: Yes. Bears? MARTIN: No. Five. ARTHUR: Horses. MARTIN: No DOUGLAS: Er, Martin? MARTIN: Oh! Yes! It is made by horses. ARTHUR: Brilliant! Now, then. What do horses make? CAROLYN (calling from the galley): Arthur! Pie! ARTHUR: Yeah, sorry. Scuse me, gents. (Flight deck door closes.) MARTIN: Douglas, look! At last! The suns almost gone again! DOUGLAS: Oh, yes, there it goes. Come on, you big red sod set, damn you! MARTIN: There it goes. Come on, come on! DOUGLAS: Tell you what: descending fifty feet. (GERTIs engines whine briefly.) DOUGLAS: And gone. MARTIN: Thats better. Oh, isnt it lovely and dark? DOUGLAS: Mmm. The sun has taken his hat off. Hip hip hip hooray. MARTIN: Hes taken off his hat at last and gone a-bloody-way. Shall I put the lights on? DOUGLAS: No! Lets keep the flight deck dark for a while, like a fighter plane. MARTIN: Yeah! DOUGLAS: You know, for what its worth, I think you should give one of those dating sites a go. You can always make up a hobby. MARTIN: Yeah, but even if I did meet someone, where would I take them? Theyd expect an airline captain to be able to wine and dine them, and Im always broke because well, you know why. DOUGLAS: You dont have to tell them youre an airline captain. Oh, Im sorry, I dont know what I was thinking. Does Carolyn really not pay you anything? MARTIN: No, nothing. DOUGLAS: So, how do you get by? MARTIN: I have another job that I fit in around the trips. DOUGLAS: Yes? (Martin sighs.) MARTIN: I am a man. DOUGLAS: Yes, all right, Martin. Youre not in an Arthur Miller play.

MARTIN: Let me finish! I am a man with a van. DOUGLAS: Ah. MARTIN: People call me up and I go round in my van and move their stuff for them. DOUGLAS: I see. Where did you get a van? MARTIN: When my dad died, he left me his van. DOUGLAS: Thats nice isnt it? MARTIN: Well, he didnt leave me any money. I mean, I didnt want his money but he didnt leave me any. Simon and Caitlin got five grand each, but I didnt. Suppose because he thought Id spend it on trying to become a pilot waste it on trying to become a pilot, because I had spent thousands by then, so instead he left me his van, and his tool kit, and his sodding multimeter. I mean, he didnt leave a note in the glove compartment saying (in his dads London accent) For Gods sake, son, give it up and become an electrician (normal voice) but he might as well have done; and then four months after he died I got my first job a pilot. I mean, it was a rubbish job, but four months and then I got this job and I was a captain, but not making money, and I went back to the van. Thats why I dont have any hobbies. My job is humping boxes into my dads old van thats what Im paid to do. This this is my hobby. And its-its not your fault, but it doesnt help that I sit next to you with your perfect life and your happy marriage and your salary and the well, frankly, in any figures at all, it doesnt help. DOUGLAS: Not a perfect life, perhaps. After all, Im sitting next to you. MARTIN: Oh, thank you(!) Thank you for those few kind words of sympathy(!) DOUGLAS: I didnt mean it like that. I just meant, Im not at Air England any more. Im here. And, you knowsome things about my life. You know about Helena thinking Im the captain. MARTIN: Yes. Why did you tell her that? DOUGLAS: I didnt tell her. She just assumed I was. People tend to do that. Dont know if youve noticed. MARTIN: Yes, I have! DOUGLAS: And I just failed to correct her. MARTIN: Well, for what its worth, I really think you ought to tell her. I mean, she loves you. Shes not gonna care, you know, whether youre a captain or not. DOUGLAS: Yes. I have told her now, actually. MARTIN: Oh, right! DOUGLAS: Yes quite soon after you came over that day. MARTIN: Right. And how did she take it? DOUGLAS: Really well very well. You were quite right. She didnt mind at all. Not at all. She was glad I told her. MARTIN: Right! Great! Oh, thats wonderful! God I thought from the way you were saying it, shed hit the roof. DOUGLAS: No. MARTIN: Good! DOUGLAS: Very calm. MARTIN: And wasnt I right? Dont you feel its a huge weight off your back? DOUGLAS: Yes and no. MARTIN: And no? DOUGLAS: What she actually said was, she was pleased Id told her my secret because it made it easier for her to tell me hers. MARTIN: Oh. DOUGLAS: Hers was the more conventional sort. If I had to criticise, I must say it lacked the verge and originality of mine. I mean, Darling, Ive been lying to you about the precise rank I hold in a small charter airline I flatter myself thats not a confession often made. Darling, Ive been having an affair with my Tai Chi teacher bit more run of the mill. MARTIN: Oh. DOUGLAS: I mean, fair enough: points for Tai Chi teacher rather than tennis coach or dancing instructor, but basically familiar territory. MARTIN: Oh. DOUGLAS: Mmm. MARTIN: Im so sorry. DOUGLAS: Thank you. MARTIN: Oh God, if only I hadnt come round that night. DOUGLAS: Oh, no, dont be silly. You didnt tell her, after all. No, I-I dont blame you. I blame the Chinese. MARTIN: What for? DOUGLAS: Tai Chi. MARTIN: I think that was the Japanese. DOUGLAS: I bet you a fiver it was the Chinese. MARTIN: Youre on!

(Flight deck door opens.) CAROLYN: Gentlemen. I Why are you lurking in the dark? Do you not have fifty p for the meter? (Click of switches. Douglas cries out in pain.) CAROLYN: Thats better. DOUGLAS: Yes! Youve just temporarily blinded both your pilots! But, hey, what harm could that do?(!) CAROLYN: Oh, dont fuss. We bring many gifts to cheer you, such as Arthur? Dinner! ARTHUR: Here we go, chaps. (Sound of him putting plates down.) DOUGLAS: Good God. MARTIN: Is this the famous Admirals pie? ARTHUR: Yep! DOUGLAS: The admirals not a fussy eater, is he? CAROLYN: Well, you have to bear in mind that idiot-features here has been reheating it and forgetting about it by turns for the last half hour. DOUGLAS: Hmm. I think Ill stick to the sandwiches we picked up at the airport unendorsed by senior naval personnel though they are. MARTIN: Yeah, me too. ARTHUR: All the more pie for me! CAROLYN: So be it; but gentlemen, we bring food for the soul, not just the body. I now present Mr. Arthur Shappey with the story of a famous Scottish actor who went for a solitary hike in Russia, got caught in the rain, and regretted not having packed with more care. Or, as they say in Limerick ARTHUR: Sean Connery, in Vyshny Volochyok, In the rain, on a drizzly solo trek Said (attempting a Sean Connery impersonation) Forgetting my shweater Has made me much wetter. I shertainly do miss my polo neck. MARTIN: Well, Arthur, that was erm that was that was just I mean, wasnt it, Douglas? DOUGLAS: Certainly was and more! All your own work? ARTHUR: Well, Mum helped a bit with the, er, writing of it. (He starts eating some pie.) ARTHUR (with his mouth full): Ooh, the thing in the box: was it made by a lot of horses or just one? MARTIN: Just one. Three. ARTHUR: One three? MARTIN: No, one horse; three questions left. ARTHUR: Was it a famous horse? MARTIN: I suppose so, yes. Two. ARTHUR: Is he famous for the things he makes? MARTIN: Well sort of, but not in the way youre thinking. Hes not a famous horse potter. O ne. Last question. ARTHUR: Right. CAROLYN: Hes famous for making other horses. ARTHUR: Wow! CAROLYN: And now, of course, youre thinking of a horse Frankenstein, arent you? ARTHUR: Yeah! CAROLYN: Thats my boy. No he makes horses in the usual way horses make other horses. ARTHUR: Ohh! CAROLYN: The penny drops. ARTHUR: Is it The thing in the box is Eurgh! DOUGLAS: Thats right. ARTHUR: Oh! Oh, no! Oh, thats put me right off my pie! DOUGLAS: Still, its probably good for our souls. I mean, if were ever in danger of becoming dazzled by the sheer glamour of this job, we can always reflect that the four of us once spent three days travelling halfway round the world and back as couriers of a bottle of horse sp CAROLYN (interrupting): Thank you, Douglas. That will more than do. ARTHUR: But CAROLYN: Arthur. B. ARTHUR: Oh! Big! Bag, Bog, Bob, Bush, Ball, Bag, Bug, Bag, Bag, Bag CAROLYN: It is not Bag! Two syllables. ARTHUR: Balloon! Baboon! Bassoon! Bubble, Babble, Bag, Bag-bag! Baghdad! MARTIN: No! Its something you say at the end of a play. ARTHUR: Bye-bye! CAROLYN: No! What do you say to the actors?

ARTHUR: Boo! DOUGLAS: No! Like Encore. ARTHUR: Boncore! MARTIN (exasperated): Bravo! ARTHUR: Oh! Yes, I knew that. DOUGLAS: You really, really didnt. ARTHUR: Another! CAROLYN: No! ARTHUR: Go on, please, just one more. One last one. DOUGLAS: All right. Erm, G. ARTHUR: Golf! (Stunned silence.) DOUGLAS: Yes, thats right. ARTHUR: Well, obviously I know some of them. CAROLYN: Whats the time? MARTIN: It is precisely one minute to seven. DOUGLAS: Or, in fact Oh. No, it is one minute to seven. MARTIN: Of course it is, because this loath though you are to admit it is a genuine Patek Philippe. CAROLYN: So, who won the Evil Name game? DOUGLAS: Oh, its two-all, I think, if I let you have Calista Flockhart. MARTIN: Oh, damn, there must be another one. Er, er, er how much time have I got? DOUGLAS: What does your watch say? MARTIN: I just told you, i Oh! Patek Philippe! Thats an evil name! CAROLYN: Is it? DOUGLAS (in an evil voice): Patek Philippe. (Normal voice) Well, hes certainly not a goodie. Not sure hes the super-villain, though maybe his henchman. MARTIN: Rolex. DOUGLAS: Thats the villains pet robot. MARTIN: Omega! CAROLYN: Thats his doomsday device. MARTIN: Tag Heuer! DOUGLAS: And there he is! Martin wins! MARTIN: Yes! I win! (His watch begins to play a tinny electronic version of the theme to The Simpsons.) CAROLYN: What on earth is that? DOUGLAS: That I believe is the sound seven oclock makes on a genuine Patek Philippe(!) ARTHUR: So are we nearly there now? DOUGLAS: No. Five hours still to go. CAROLYN: What are we going to do now? ARTHUR: Ive got an idea and its a really good one. CAROLYN (reluctantly): Oh, all right. ARTHUR: Brilliant! Here goes! (Slight pause as Arthur does his first mime.) MARTIN: Its a film. (Slight pause for the next bit of the mime.) DOUGLAS: One word. (Slight pause for the next mime.) DOUGLAS, MARTIN and CAROLYN (simultaneously): Airplane. ARTHUR (high-pitched in indignation): How did you know?!

CABIN PRESSURE AT CHRISTMAS: Molokai

DOUGLAS Air con? MARTIN: Off. DOUGLAS: Anti-collision light? MARTIN: On. DOUGLAS: Fuel pump switches? MARTIN: On. DOUGLAS: Dasher? MARTIN: On. DOUGLAS: Dancer? MARTIN: On.

DOUGLAS: Prancer and Vixen? MARTIN: On. Comet? DOUGLAS: On. MARTIN: Cupid! DOUGLAS: On. MARTIN: Donner and Blitzen? DOUGLAS: To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall. MARTIN Dash away DOUGLAS and MARTIN: dash away, dash away, all! This Christmas, Molokai! (Radio on.) OCEANIC ATC (over radio): Thank you, Golf Tango India. Continue as cleared. DOUGLAS: Golf Tango India, continue as cleared. Thank you, Oceanic, and Merry Christmas. OCEANIC ATC: Im a Shinto Buddhist. DOUGLAS: And may you be a merry one. (Radio off. Sound of an exuberant cheer from the cabin.) DOUGLAS: Ah, Arthurs awoken. Brace yourself. MARTIN: What for? DOUGLAS: Oh, is this the first time youve flown with Arthur on Christmas morning? (Flight deck door bursts open.) ARTHUR (singing): Ge-e-et dressed you merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay, For it is Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Day! DOUGLAS: Yes ARTHUR: Its Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Christmas Day MARTIN: Arthur ARTHUR: It is Chri-i-i-i-i-istmas Day, Christ-i-mas Day, It is Chri-hi-hi-hi-hi-hi-histmas Day! DOUGLAS: Are you finished? ARTHUR: Not necessarily. I know other verses! MARTIN: No you dont! You dont even know that one. ARTHUR: With respect, Skip, I absolutely do know that one. It goes: Get dressed you merry gentlemen MARTIN: No! No it doesnt. Its not Get dressed, its God rest. God rest you, merry gentlemen. ARTHUR (chuckling in disbelief): No its not. MARTIN: Yes it is! Why would you be telling them, Get dressed? ARTHUR: Because its Christmas! MARTIN: What, so theyre naked? ARTHUR: No, theyre in bed! Its saying, Come on, merry gentlemen, its Christmas! Up and at em; get dressed; lets do our stockings! MARTIN: No, its God rest. ARTHUR: Well, that makes no sense. God rest, you merry gentlemen? Whats a God rest? DOUGLAS: Somewhere to put your god? MARTIN: Its not God rest, you merry gentlemen; its God rest you, merry gentlemen. ARTHUR: Well, that makes no sense either! (Martin sighs.) DOUGLAS: Actually, its neither. Its God rest you merry, gentlemen, as in, Happy Christmas, gentlemen. I hope God gives you a restful and merry one, and doesnt accidentally shut you in a flying cupboard with a pair of idiots. ARTHUR: Oh, cheer up, Douglas. Well be back in Tokyo in no time, and then weve got the rest of Christmas off! What are you gonna do? DOUGLAS: Go back to the hotel, bit of sleep, ring my daughter, and then go out and ingest a quite heroic quantity of festive sushi. ARTHUR: How about you, Skip? MARTIN: Oh, I dunno. Ill probably sit by the pool, read a book. ARTHUR: Oh, Skip! Thats not very Christmassy. MARTIN: Well, Im not that big on Christmas. ARTHUR: Well, if you change your mind, youre both welcome to join Mum and me. Weve found this brilliant Japanese restaurant called The Auspicious Pig and Whistle Old England-Style Happy Pub; and were having

turkey and Christmas pudding and presents and carols and stockings and silly hats and mulled wine. DOUGLAS: All quite low-key, then, is it? (Bing-bong.) DOUGLAS: Ooh! (Singing) Bing-bong merrily on high / In heaven the phone is ringing. (Sat comm on.) MARTIN: Hello? Captain Crieff. CAROLYN (over sat comm): Martin! Tokyo calling. Merry Christmas! Peace on earth and goodwill to all men even pilots. How was Hong Kong? MARTIN: Are you all right, Carolyn? CAROLYN: Perfectly, thank you but more importantly, are you all right? You sleep well? Nice and wellrested, are you? DOUGLAS: Martin, dont. MARTIN: Yes, thanks. Ive DOUGLAS: Its a trap! CAROLYN: Good! Now, then, my festive flyers: you remember that friendly little chat we had about working at Christmas? DOUGLAS: No, I dont. I remember an enormous argument when you announced that youd booked us to fly Japanese golfers back and forth all through Christmas week without asking us. CAROLYN: Well, Im sorry, but Christmas wasnt on the wall chart. DOUGLAS: Christmas was on the wall chart. It was written on the wall chart by the makers of the wall chart. And I remember us finally very graciously agreeing to do it on the strict understanding that our last Hong Kong run would be on Christmas morning, and wed be back in Tokyo with the rest of the day to ourselves by midday precisely. CAROLYN: Yyyes well, Id like to propose a very minor tweak to that arrangement, by which you can still get back into Tokyo at noon. MARTIN: Yes? CAROLYN: and there you pick up me and a Russian yacht broker and fly us on to Hawaii. MARTIN: Hawaii?! CAROLYN: Mmm! The island of Molokai, to be precise, which Mr. Alyakhin either owns a beach resort on, or quite possibly just owns. Its not entirely clear. DOUGLAS: So you want us to spend another seven hours of Christmas Day in an aeroplane. CAROLYN: Look this is in all our best interests. Mr. Alyakhin is a huge charter firm user, and if we can get on his list, then our ridiculous business the survival of which is already as astonishing as when you go into a motorway service station and see theyve still got a Wimpy might just continue into the New Year. ARTHUR: But-but Mum, what about our Christmas at the Auspicious Pig and Whistle, with turkey and pudding and stockings and a tree and mulled wine? CAROLYN: Yes! Dont worry! Well still do all that, but in sunny Hawaii! Itll be exactly the same but with lesssake and more hula. ARTHUR (unhappily): Okay. CAROLYN: Oh, and Arthur?! This is a very important client, so well be giving him our very best customer service, okay? ARTHUR: Absolutely, Mum. Ill pull out all the stops. CAROLYN: Er, no, no, no our very best customer service. ARTHUR: Oh, right. Ill hide in the galley and let you do everything. CAROLYN: Good boy! (Clicking of switches.) DOUGLAS (grumpily): Post-ruddy-take-off checks grudgingly completed, Captain, by a first officer who should by all natural laws be just tucking into his seventh hosomaki. MARTIN: Thank you, Douglas. Im sure theyll have sushi somewhere on Molokai. DOUGLAS: Im sure they wont. Theyll have chicken Santa burgers and pretzels. ARTHUR: So so twelve plus seven is nineteen, and nineteen oclock is dont tell me. One oclock is thirteen, two oclock is fourteen, three oclock is fifteen MARTIN: Seven oclock, Arthur. ARTHUR: Oh! Okay, so we-we still get Christmas evening. DOUGLAS: Plus the five hour time difference. ARTHUR: Eight, nine, ten, eleven twelve. Oh. MARTIN: Sorry. ARTHUR (trying to be brave but failing): No, I-I dont really mind. Well just have our Christmas on Boxing Day. Thats thatll be almost as good, pretty much; nearly as good, in some ways. Anyway, I-Im not all that bothered about Christmas. I think its been over-commercialised.

MARTIN: Do you?! ARTHUR: Yes, I do! DOUGLAS: Thats an interesting opinion. ARTHUR: Its one Ive long held. DOUGLAS: What does over-commercialised mean? ARTHUR: It means its too much, um its over- it used to be under- now its I dont know! Terry on the fire crew said it and it sounded really grown-up. I love Christmas. Its my equal favourite time of year with my birthday, summer, Easter, Mums birthday and Lent. DOUGLAS: Oh, cheer up. Itll be round again before you know it. ARTHUR: Yeah. Yeah, I know. Doesnt really matter. (Tearfully) Scuse me, chaps. Im just gonna sit in the galley for a bit. (He sniffs.) ARTHUR (singing in an sad voice as he leaves the flight deck) : Youd better not pout, youd better not cry MARTIN: Douglas? DOUGLAS: Mmm? MARTIN: I was just thinking about poor old Arthur missing out on his big Christmas you know, his turkey, pudding, and presents and silly hats and so on. DOUGLAS (uninterestedly): Mmm? MARTIN: Yes, well, I-I-I was just thinking, if-if we wanted, we could probably, sort of, do some of those things here, couldnt we, in the flight deck? DOUGLAS: I thought you said you were glad to be missing Christmas. MARTIN: Oh, I am! No, completely. But, um, but for Arthurs sake. DOUGLAS: And how do you propose to cook a turkey dinner at thirty-five thousand feet? MARTIN: Dunno, but wed think of something. And the others seem quite do-able. DOUGLAS: Of that list, as far as I can see, all weve got are hats. MARTIN (chuckling): Yeah. And theyre not very silly ones. DOUGLAS: Yours is quite silly. MARTIN: Look, I keep telling you, I didnt ask for extra. Its just the standard amount of gold braid they put on a captains hat these days. DOUGLAS: In the Democratic Republic of Congo, maybe. MARTIN: Well, anyway, what do you think? Fancy a, er, flight deck Christmas? DOUGLAS: I think its an utterly stupid idea for two reasons, one of which is obvious, and the other of which is that Arthur is twenty-nine years old. MARTIN: Pass the time, though. DOUGLAS (exasperated): Oh, go on, then. (Intercom on.) MARTIN: Arthur? Can you step into the flight deck? CAROLYN: So what exactly is it your company does, Mr. Alyakhin? MR. ALYAKHIN (Russian accent): We sell yachts. CAROLYN: Oh! What sort of yachts? MR. ALYAKHIN: Massive yachts. CAROLYN: To whom? MR. ALYAKHIN: To people who do not have massive yachts; or, more often, to people who do have massive yachts but who would now like another yacht even more massive or newer or less sunken. CAROLYN: And dyou use a lot of private air travel? MR. ALYAKHIN: Every spring, we are more or less constantly flying clients out to Antibes. CAROLYN: Well, I do hope, this spring, youll consider MJN Air. MR. ALYAKHIN (chuckling): Im sorry. You are very good to support your employers, but my clients, they expect a little more than, you know, a minibus with wings. CAROLYN: Well, actually, I am the CEO of this company. MR. ALYAKHIN: Really? But also the stewardess. CAROLYN: For our most important clients, yes. MR. ALYAKHIN: Hmm. This is, perhaps, one small thing in your favour. Most of the firms we use, the stewardesses are very young, very beautiful, and the clients, of course, they like this, but sometimes it causes hmm! problems. You, I think, would not cause these problems. CAROLYN (grimly): No. MR. ALYAKHIN: No. You are more like, er, old babushka.

CAROLYN (grimly): Am I really? MR. ALYAKHIN: You know this word, er, babushka? CAROLYN: Yes. Yes, I do. (Tightly) Thank you. MR. ALYAKHIN: Yes, its not really a compliment. CAROLYN: No. So will you, er, will you consider us? MR. ALYAKHIN: No. CAROLYN: But MR. ALYAKHIN: Seriously, no. Now, what wines do you have? CAROLYN: Well, I gave you the wine list earlier. MR. ALYAKHIN: Yes, I read that. It was very funny. What wines do you have? CAROLYN: Those are our wines. MR. ALYAKHIN (sighing): Very well. Luckily I did a little bit of shopping in Tokyo. (Rustling of bags and the clink of bottles.) MR. ALYAKHIN: Serve me this, please Babushka. MARTIN: Yes, Arthur, but aircraft dont have chimneys. ARTHUR: Why not? DOUGLAS: Shall we move on? Next: presents. ARTHUR: Well, Ive got you all presents but theyre in the hold. MARTIN: Ah, we could do a Secret Santa! ARTHUR: Oh, great! MARTIN (scribbling on paper): I write each of our names on four slips of paper. Now we all take one. DOUGLAS: Mine says Martin. MARTIN: and we dont say who weve got. DOUGLAS: I bet they all say Martin. MARTIN: No they dont. And now we think of a present for whoever weve got. DOUGLAS: Like what? MARTIN: Anything. For instance, you could give your person whoever he might be first crack at the cheese tray for a month; or do the walk-round for him next time it rains; or simply pay him a nice compliment about what a fine commanding officer he is DOUGLAS (talking over him): This can be Carolyns slip. Give me another one. (Door opens.) CAROLYN: Douglas. What are you doing in the galley? DOUGLAS: Searching for turkey. CAROLYN: Well, I think theres an old chicken sandwich in the door of the fridge. DOUGLAS (opening the fridge door): A-ha! Oh, by the way, Im supposed to tell you, were having a Secret Santa. CAROLYN: What fresh hell is this? DOUGLAS: One of those things where youre given a slip with someones name on it and you get them a present. You got Martin. CAROLYN: Look, tell him Im sorry, but I just dont have time t Oh. Unless does he like red wine? DOUGLAS: Martin? I think so, yes. CAROLYN: Fine. Ill give him this then. (Clink of a wine bottle.) CAROLYN: Mr. Alyakhin just gave me this bottle to serve him. Its nothing too special, is it? DOUGLAS: Oh. Petrus 2005. Thats rather nice, actually. CAROLYN: Oh! Well, its Martins lucky day, then. DOUGLAS: And what are you planning to serve Mr. Alyakhin? CAROLYN: Well, what do you think? The same wine box Chateau Gatwick we give everyone. DOUGLAS: What happened to our very best customer service? CAROLYN: Well, firstly, everyones palate is shot at thirty-five thousand feet and hell never notice; and secondly, he calls me Babushka. DOUGLAS: And yet he lives. MARTIN: Hmm, now, what about a tree? Any ideas? ARTHUR: Hmm. If we had a bush, we could put it on a stick. MARTIN: Any ideas that dont rely on us having a bush? (Flight deck door opens.)

DOUGLAS: Gentlemen, I have in my hand a chicken sandwich. ARTHUR: Oh, well done, Douglas! So we just need to fish the bits of chicken out and I dont know somehow make them a bit more like turkey. MARTIN: How do we do that? ARTHUR: Uh can we make them drier and sort of not as nice tasting but in a good way? DOUGLAS: Certainly we can. Leave it to me. Next: Christmas pudding. How on earth are we going to do that? MARTIN: Well, I suppose its basically just a cake with dried fruit and cream on top ARTHUR: and brandy poured over it and set fire to! DOUGLAS: You realise that might be a tall-ish order in an aircraft flight deck? ARTHUR: All right, Ill let you off that one. DOUGLAS: But I will check my coat pockets for chocolate raisins. ARTHUR: Hooray! CAROLYN: How are you finding your wine, Mr. Alyakhin? MR. ALYAKHIN: Mmm, superb. CAROLYN: So glad. Now, listen: I admit we may not be the fastest or slickest aircraft in the skies MR. ALYAKHIN: I think you more or less lost that race when the Wright Brothers took off. CAROLYN: but its owned and run by someone who will fight harder for your money; and not only that, but will fight for much, much less of it this much less. (She hands him a piece of paper.) MR. ALYAKHIN: Ah. Now that is very interesting argument but could you really handle three or four flights a month from us? CAROLYN: Certainly. I mean, I wont pretend were not a small company but MR. ALYAKHIN: Ah, that in itself is not a problem. I mean, so long as theres a crew and a relief crew, theoretically even if you employ just four pilots, we would consider you. CAROLYN: Oh! Interesting! MR. ALYAKHIN: How many do you employ? CAROLYN: Well (she chuckles nervously) as it happens, the bare minimum of as you say four! MR. ALYAKHIN: Yes. You see, the danger with really tiny firms is you tend to cut corners and bend rules just to survive, and this leads to little problems. CAROLYN: Ooh, not us, though. Absolutely not. We are sticklers at MJN. We stickle. MR. ALYAKHIN: Well, let me ring my CFO, and we shall see. (Flight deck door opens.) CAROLYN: Drivers, Im bringing Why does it smell of chicken in here? MARTIN: Because Douglas has hung strips of chicken all over the air conditioning ducts. CAROLYN: Arthur, why on earth ? MARTIN: Not Arthur. Douglas. CAROLYN: Oh, good lord, its catching. And what are you doing, Martin? MARTIN: I am for the benefit of your son shelling these chocolate raisins. CAROLYN: Shelling them? MARTIN: Yes. Theres no chocolate in a Christmas pudding, so Im rolling them between finger and thumb until the chocolate crumbles off. CAROLYN: Of course you are(!) Well, if I could just ask you to pack away your various charming handicrafts for now, Im bringing Mr. Alyakhin up to use the sat comm, so, Arthur get in the locker. ARTHUR: The locker?! Mum! Cant I just hide in the galley? CAROLYN: He has to come through the galley to get to the flight deck, idiot. ARTHUR: Well, I wont say anything to him. Ill just be like, you know, the man in the galley, okay? CAROLYN: No! Its not okay! When a very wealthy businessman hires a private plane, he doesnt assume itll come with a man in the galley. Now, get in the locker. ARTHUR (sighing): Fine. (Metallic thumping noises as Arthur gets into the locker and closes the door.) CAROLYN: All right, back in a minute. And, you two, try to look like pilots. You know, real pilots. MARTIN: Oh, for (Flight deck door closes.) DOUGLAS (quietly): Martin? MARTIN: Mmm? DOUGLAS: While Arthurs shut away in a small tin cupboard, can I ask you: in the Secret Santa, did you happen to get me?

MARTIN: Well I-I dont think I should tell you, should I? DOUGLAS: Not if youre upholding the strictest principles of Santa-ly secretiveness, no but just between us? MARTIN: Yes, as it happens, I did. DOUGLAS: Excellent. Can I swap with you? MARTIN: But then youd get you. DOUGLAS: I know. MARTIN: Why-why would you want yourself? DOUGLAS: Well, call it a harmless whim. MARTIN: This is a scheme, isnt it? DOUGLAS: A scheme?! Me?! On Christmas Day?! What sort of a person do you take me for? MARTIN: What are you after this time? DOUGLAS: Oh, nothing that would interest you. Will you swap, then? MARTIN: Who have you got? DOUGLAS: Arthur. MARTIN: Ooh! I could give him a stocking! Okay, then. (They swap slips of paper.) DOUGLAS: Thank you. MARTIN: Now, do you have an orange on you? DOUGLAS: An orange. (Thoughtfully) Orange. (He pats his pockets.) DOUGLAS: Let me just check my citrus pocket. No. (He pats his pockets again.) DOUGLAS: And my emergency citrus pocket? MARTIN: Yes, all right. DOUGLAS: Why do you want one? MARTIN: Well, theres always an orange in a Christmas stocking! And chocolate coins! And a sugar mouse.Everyone knows that. DOUGLAS: I see. This is definitely all still for Arthurs benefit, is it? MARTIN: Yes! DOUGLAS: Just checking. How are you going to make chocolate coins? MARTIN: Well, Ive the chocolate I peeled off the raisins; I just need to put it on some coins . (Flight deck door opens.) CAROLYN: Mr. Alyakhin, this is Captain Crieff. MR. ALYAKHIN: Pleased to meet you. DOUGLAS: And you though, actually MARTIN: Im the captain. MR. ALYAKHIN: Are you? MARTIN: Yes! MR. ALYAKHIN: Im sorry. I thought you were the what do you call him er DOUGLAS: Captains Little Helper? MARTIN: No, I I am the captain. MR. ALYAKHIN: He doesnt look like a captain. I fear our clients would not be impressed. Perhaps, when welcoming them aboard, this one could wear the captains hat. MARTIN: No, he couldnt. Sorry, no. DOUGLAS: No, I agree. You see, Captain Crieff here has assiduously built up his neck muscles by constant wearing of that hat, whereas I fear the sheer weight of gold braid would snap mine like a dry twig. MR. ALYAKHIN: What does your other captain look like? MARTIN: What other captain? Im the captain! CAROLYN: Out of the two of you, yes, but obviously we have other pilots at MJN Air. MARTIN: Do we?! CAROLYN: Yes, of course! DOUGLAS: Remind me, if you would, of the names of the others? CAROLYN: Well, theres, er theres Nigel, and, um and Noel. DOUGLAS: Noel! Christmassy name. CAROLYN: Yes! Yes, he was born on Christmas Day. DOUGLAS: Oh, really?! I never knew that about old Noel. CAROLYN: Well, now you do. DOUGLAS: Is that why he didnt have to fly today, because its his birthday? CAROLYN: No he doesnt have to fly today, like Nigel, because theyre senior to you two and get to pick their trips first because theyre so much better. DOUGLAS: Oh, I see. Is that why youre stewardessing today as well, rather than our usual stewardesses

Holly and Ivy and Carol and Mary Christmas? MARTIN (laughing nervously as he joins in): Yes, and Bert! DOUGLAS: Yes, dear old Bert the stewardess eighty-six today and still less grumpy than certain of his colleagues! MARTIN (anxiously): Ei-ei-ei-ei-eighty-six today, did you say? DOUGLAS: Thats right! He shares a birthday with Noel! And the little baby Jesus. CAROLYN: All right, that will do! Mr. Alyakhin, the sat comm. MR. ALYAKHIN: Thank you, thank you. (Sat comm on. Mr. Alyakhin dials a number, then starts speaking into the phone in Russian.) DOUGLAS (quietly, as Mr. Alyakhin continues his conversation) : Oh, er, by the way, Carolyn, sorry to bother you but Ive just realised Ive got myself in the Secret Santa. Can I swap with you? CAROLYN: What? Yes, yes, for all I care Oh, no-no-no-no, wait. I was going to give Martin that wine. DOUGLAS: So? CAROLYN: Well, I cant give it to you, can I? You dont drink. DOUGLAS: Oh, dont worry I have friends who drink. Ill pass it on. CAROLYN: Oh, all right, then. Heres the slip. MR. ALYAKHIN (into sat comm): Harasho. Spasibo, Andre. Spasibo. (He disconnects.) MR. ALYAKHIN: Okay. (Sat comm off.) MR. ALYAKHIN: I have finished. Babushka, let us return. MARTIN: Babushka? CAROLYN (dangerously): Say nothing. (Flight deck door closes.) MARTIN: So your scheme, then. DOUGLAS: Yes? MARTIN: Its to get hold of that bottle of wine? DOUGLAS: Yes. MARTIN: Expensive bottle of wine, is it? DOUGLAS: Oh yes. MARTIN: Really expensive? DOUGLAS: Yep. MARTIN: Hundreds of pounds? DOUGLAS: Couple of thousand, probably. MARTIN: Youre going to sell it? DOUGLAS: Certainly am. (Martin growls.) DOUGLAS: Dont feel bad for Carolyn she nicked it in the first place. MARTIN: Christmas really brings out the best in you, doesnt it?(!) ARTHUR (muffled): Er, chaps? Can I come out yet? MARTIN: Oh God! Sorry, Arthur. Yes, of course. (Thumping as the locker door opens.) ARTHUR (sighing with relief): Oh, thats better. Um, whose is this umbrella? Im afraid I might have stood on it a bit. MARTIN: Oh, Arthur! Thats mine! And its new! ARTHUR: Sorry, Skip. Still, it is a green umbrella. MARTIN: Yeah, so? ARTHUR (opening the umbrella): Christmas tree! DOUGLAS: Ah, yes! (Martin groans.) DOUGLAS: Just like the carol. (Singing) Deck the halls with Martins brolly MARTIN: Douglas! DOUGLAS (softly): Fa-la-la-la-laa la-la-la-laa. MR. ALYAKHIN: I am sorry, Babushka. I dont think it will work. You, I like; and I believe I can see how we could sell your terrible aircraft as retro experience but your captain, he does not inspire confidence. Im afraid he looks to me like exactly the sort of rule-bending chance-taker I was talking about. CAROLYN: What, Martin?! Youre rejecting us because you think Martin might not be enough of a stickler?! Right. Come with me.

ARTHUR: Oh. Its beautiful. MARTIN: All right. Who wants to put the star on top? (Flight deck door opens.) CAROLYN (a little breathlessly): Im bringing him back. Arthur, in your locker. ARTHUR: Im going! Im going! (Thumping of the locker door as Carolyn calls out to Mr. Alyakhin.) CAROLYN: Come on through! MR. ALYAKHIN: Gentlemen, sorry to interrupt again Good lord. What is that? DOUGLAS: Nothing. Just an umbrella. MARTIN: Its drying off. MR. ALYAKHIN: Youve decorated it? DOUGLAS: No, no. Weve just dropped things on it strategically. MR. ALYAKHIN: And you what are you covered in? MARTIN: Me? Oh, oh, yes. I (He laughs nervously.) I-I may have got a bit of, er, chocolatey stuff on me. MR. ALYAKHIN: Why? MARTIN: Just a snack; keep the blood sugar level up. Its a long way from Hong Kong to Hawaii. DOUGLAS (urgently): Martin. MR. ALYAKHIN: From Tokyo. MARTIN: Yeah, but we started in Hong Kong. CAROLYN (despairingly): Oh God. MR. ALYAKHIN: Dyou mean to tell me that, before you flew me from Tokyo to Molokai, you flew from Hong Kong to Tokyo? MARTIN: No. MR. ALYAKHIN: No you didnt? MARTIN: No, I didnt mean to tell you that. MR. ALYAKHIN: Then how can you possibly still be within your legal hours? Im sorry, Babushka, but this is precisely the sort of dangerous corner-cutting I was afraid of. DOUGLAS: Er, if I may. MR. ALYAKHIN: What? DOUGLAS: Before you go any further, theres someone I think you should meet. (The locker door is opened.) DOUGLAS: Mr. Alyakhin, this is Noel. Say hello, Noel. ARTHUR: Hello. Im Ar DOUGLAS (interrupting): But no need to say anything else. Noel is our relief pilot, who has been swapping in and out with both of us throughout the two sectors, thus extending our duty hours in the CAA-approved manner, havent you, Noel? ARTHUR: Yes. I DOUGLAS (interrupting): Thatll do. MR. ALYAKHIN: But why has he been hiding in locker? DOUGLAS: Well because, as you know, todays his birthday, and were organising a surprise birthday party for him! MR. ALYAKHIN: I see. And I suppose that explains the chocolate and decorations. DOUGLAS: Oh, so it does! I mean, yes, it does. MR. ALYAKHIN: Hmm. (Sound of GERTIs engines shutting down. Flicking of switches.) DOUGLAS: After-landing checks complete, and on stand at seven minutes to midnight precisely. MARTIN (calling loudly): Arthur! Were ready! In you come! (Flight deck door opens.) MARTIN: Okay, Arthur, your seven-minute Christmas starts now! ARTHUR: Hooray! (He blows on a party hooter.) MARTIN: Where did you get that from? ARTHUR: Oh, I always carry one of these. You never know! MARTIN: Aaaaand off we go! Tree look! ARTHUR: Its beautiful! DOUGLAS: Its a green umbrella with little milk buckets stapled to it. ARTHUR: I think its beautiful. MARTIN: Decorations ta-da! ARTHUR: Wow! Ive never seen so many of the warning lights on before! DOUGLAS: Yes, yes this is what happens if you tell a plane its flying when its actually parked. Poor old

GERTI would like us to know shes flying considerably too close to the ground and infinitely too slowly. MARTIN: Turkey! Direct from the air con carvery. Here you go. ARTHUR (scoffing some chicken-turkey): Lovely! MARTIN: Seconds? ARTHUR: Ooh, why not? Its Christmas. (He eats some more.) MARTIN: Christmas pudding now, the trick here is its a bit like a tequila slammer. You take a raisin, dip it in custard cream crumbs and then knock it back with coffee creamer. Ready? ARTHUR: Ready! MARTIN: Go! (Arthur follows the instructions, then chokes.) ARTHUR: Ah. Oh. (High-pitched and a little strangled) Lovely! (Flight deck door opens.) CAROLYN: Success, my little Christmas elves! Mr. Alyakhin has agreed to give us a trial run in the New Year. MARTIN: Carolyn, great! Youre just in time for presents. CAROLYN: Well, why are we doing it now? ARTHUR: Because, for the next four minutes, its still Christmas! CAROLYN: But DOUGLAS: Carolyn, you first. CAROLYN: Oh. Well, yours is the wine, Douglas. Shall I get it for you? MARTIN: No time! Douglas, what did you get for Carolyn? DOUGLAS: You remember twenty minutes ago when I brilliantly and single-handedly saved your bacon with the yacht broker? CAROLYN: Yes. DOUGLAS: Well merry Christmas. CAROLYN: Thank you. ARTHUR: My turn! My turn! This is for you, Martin. Its one of just a couple of things you missed off the list, you see. A silly hat! MARTIN: Oh goodness. Is that my hat? ARTHUR: Yes, but made silly! DOUGLAS: Sillier. MARTIN: How is all that staying on? ARTHUR: Well, Ive used a sort of framework of dry spaghetti MARTIN: Mmm-hmm. ARTHUR: to hold up the MARTIN: the cooked spaghetti. Yes, yes. Thank you, Arthur. Its just what I, um, least expected! Now then, this is for you. ARTHUR: Oh, an extra sock! Brilliant! Now Ill always have a pair, even when ones in the wash! MARTIN: The socks not the present! Its a stocking. ARTHUR (excitedly): Oh, wow! Thank you, Skip! Oh, what have we got? Erm an orange Tic Tac MARTIN: Its the closest I could get. ARTHUR: a sugar sachet with a a rabbit drawn on it MARTIN: Its a m-mouse! Its a sugar mouse. ARTHUR: Right, yeah! Er, and some five ps that, um, with whats happened to the five ps? MARTIN: Because of the chocolate! Theyre chocolate coins! ARTHUR: Oh! Brilliant! Thank you! (Someones watch alarm beeps.) MARTIN: And midnight. ARTHUR: Ohhh. Well, thank you, chaps. Best Christmas ever. DOUGLAS: Really? You did spend a fair amount of it in a tin box. ARTHUR: Yeah, all right. Well well best this year, anyway. DOUGLAS: Not necessarily. What about next Christmas? ARTHUR: Well, thatll be next year. DOUGLAS: Interestingly, no. You see, I have a little extra present for you, Arthur and that is the information which, of course, as a professional pilot, Martin will hardly have forgotten, that as you fly from Tokyo to Hawaii, you pass over a thing called the International Date Line MARTIN: Oh oh! DOUGLAS: at which point you put the clocks back twenty-four hours. In a way, that makes this twelve ohone on Christmas morning. ARTHUR (almost breathless with delight): No! DOUGLAS: So my present to you, Arthur, is that we are all of us about to have the whole of Christmas Day

off, in Hawaii. CAROLYN: Oh! DOUGLAS: some of us having had the benefit of a dry run. ARTHUR (singing): Get dressed you merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay DOUGLAS: Yes, perhaps save the full rendition for tomorrow morning. ARTHUR: Thank you, Douglas! Best present ever! Oh and actually thats great, because I got an extra present for everyone. The other thing you left off my list, Skip. MARTIN: Hmm? ARTHUR: This! MARTIN: Mulled wine! (Arthur pours out glasses of the mulled wine.) MARTIN: Oh, lovely(!) DOUGLAS (murderously): You took my Petrus 05 and you mulled it? ARTHUR: Well, not properly. I dont have the stuff. But, you know, I whacked in some fruit juice and some sugar and the rest of the orange Tic Tacs, and then I just blitzed it in the microwave! Itll be close enough! DOUGLAS (murderously): You MARTIN (interrupting): Of course it will be close enough! And its the thought that counts, isnt it, Douglas? DOUGLAS (murderously): Absolutely. Thank you, Arthur. ARTHUR: Oh, youre welcome! Merry Christmas! (They clink glasses, drink, and then all choke and cough.) CAROLYN: Thats actually rather good!

SEASON 3 EPISODE 1: Qikiqtarjuaq

This week, Qikiqtarjuaq! CAROLYN: Good morning, gentlemen! How are we today? Satiated with the delights of New York? All ready to go home? DOUGLAS: Yes. MARTIN: Mmm, absolutely. CAROLYN: Then home we shall go almost straightaway, pausing only for an extremely minor detour DOUGLAS: Oh, no! MARTIN: Carolyn, I cant! CAROLYN: in Toronto. DOUGLAS: Oh. Well, that is quite close. CAROLYN: and then a quick stop to Qikiqtarjuaq and straight home. DOUGLAS: Sorry, where? CAROLYN: Qikiqtarjuaq. Q-I-K ARTHUR: Mum, sorry, but you forgot the U. CAROLYN: No, I did not. There isnt a U. Its Q-I-K-I ARTHUR: No, Mum. Theres always a U after a Q. Its the law. Mrs Dimont taught me that eventually. CAROLYN: And you are a credit to her. Nonetheless, the good people of Qikiqtarjuaq choose to spell it Q-IK-I-Q-T MARTIN: Another Q?! CAROLYN: Yes. Q-T ARTHUR: Q-T?! Well, Im not gonna be the one to tell Mrs Dimont. DOUGLAS: Leaving the spelling bee aside for a moment, where is this Qikiqtarryjack? CAROLYN: Are you referring to Qikiqtarjuaq? DOUGLAS: Youre really proud of yourself for having learned to say that, arent you? CAROLYN: Yes. Also, its rather pleasing to say Qikiqtarjuaq. Anyway, its in Canada. MARTIN: Near Toronto? CAROLYN: Near-ish. MARTIN: How near-ish? CAROLYN: About, ooh, seventeen hundred miles. MARTIN: No, Carolyn, Im sorry. I absolutely cant. Ive got a job on Thursday. CAROLYN: No you havent. MARTIN: I do. Not with MJN. I mean a delivery job with my van. CAROLYN: Oh well, that doesnt matter. MARTIN: It matters to me, Carolyn! It happens to be the only thing Im actually paid to do. DOUGLAS: Right Ive looked it up on my phone. Its a tiny isolated settlement in the Arctic Circle. Why on

Earth are we going there? CAROLYN: Because that is where the polar bears are. DOUGLAS: And where do the polar bears want to go? CAROLYN: The polar bears dont want to go anywhere. The polar bears just want to be left in peace and quiet, but that is where the polar bears find themselves bang out of luck, because we are picking up a dozen tourists from Unbeaten Track Travel and flying them past every polar bear we can find between Toronto and Qikiqtarjuaq. ARTHUR (almost bursting with excitement): What?! Are we?! Polar bears?! Were gonna fly over polar bears?! And see them and look at them and be with the polar bears?! CAROLYN: Yes, we are. MARTIN: No, were not. ARTHUR: Yes, we are, Skip! MARTIN: No, were not! For one thing, GERTIs much too fast a plane. You need a prop engined aircraft to watch wildlife, not a jet. CAROLYN: Well, why cant you just fly slower? ARTHUR: Yeah, we can just fly slower! MARTIN: No, we cant. DOUGLAS: Of course we can. We can come down to a hundred, a hundred and twenty easily as long as we watch the angle of bank. ARTHUR: Yeah, Martin! We just need to watch the angle of bank and the polar bears! We need to watch the polar bears! MARTIN: No, we cant. Shed be hard to manoeuvre and likely to stall. It would be incredibly dangerous and unprofessional. DOUGLAS: Fun, though. When do we leave? CAROLYN: Straightaway. MARTIN: No! DOUGLAS: Good! ARTHUR: Brilliant! CAROLYN: Oh, if youre online, Douglas, look up polar bears or exploring or something. DOUGLAS: Why? CAROLYN: Because one of you will have to give a lecture on it. Unbeaten Tracks thing is that the crew are all experts on the region and they give lectures. ARTHUR: Can I give a lecture on polar bears? CAROLYN (instantly): No. DOUGLAS: What do you know about polar bears, Arthur? ARTHUR: Polar bears are brilliant. DOUGLAS: You might want to pad that out with some PowerPoints. DOUGLAS: All right. Alfred Hitchcock. MARTIN: Ooh, okay. Lets hear it. (Bing-bong.) DOUGLAS (over cabin address): Hallo. My name is First Officer Douglas Richardson. On behalf of the captain and myself, a warm welcome aboard this MJN flight to Qikiqtarjuaq. Just to let you know we will be flying out from Toronto today, roughly North by Northwest at the Vertigo -inducing height of twenty thousand feet, way above The Birds. You will already have met your purser today, Carolyn Rebecca Topaz, but now, as The Lady Vanishes behind the Torn Curtain into the galley, the steward will hold you Spellbound with his Notorious demonstration of The Thirty-Nine Steps to a safe evacuation, though these basically boil down to three: pull the Rope, inflate the Lifeboat and escape through the Rear Window. MARTIN: Ten? DOUGLAS: Thirteen. MARTIN: Mmm! DOUGLAS: I think. I very nearly got The Man Who Knew Too Much in, but I was after all talking about Arthur. (The flight deck door opens.) NANCY (angrily, in a Canadian accent): Excuse me. MARTIN: Oh, uh, hello. I-Im the captain, Martin Crieff, and this is NANCY: Nancy Dean Liebhart. DOUGLAS: Not quite, but what an interesting guess. NANCY: Expedition supervisor, Unbeaten Track Travel. What was that, please? MARTIN: What was what? NANCY: The Hitchcock thing.

DOUGLAS: Oh, you noticed that! Well done. NANCY: In an emergency, climb out through the Rear Window? Does that strike you as a professional thing for the pilot of an aircraft to say? MARTIN: No, no, absolutely not. NANCY: No, absolutely not is right, so what the hell just happened? DOUGLAS: I can assure you, madam, I am entirely professional in all NANCY (talking over him): No, youre not. I can tell professionalism a mile off. You dont have it, sir. This guy has it. You dont. MARTIN (surprised): Oh! Well, do I? I mean, yes, yes, I do, actually. Thank you. Thank you for noticing. NANCY: So. Why did you let him do it? DOUGLAS: Yes, why did you let me do it? MARTIN: Yes, I-I do apologise. Rest assured, I will be disciplining him. DOUGLAS: Oh, will you? MARTIN (through gritted teeth): Yes, I will. (Smarmily, to Nancy) And the rest of the flight will be conducted in an entirely professional atmosphere of the utmost professionality that I always bring to my my my DOUGLAS: profession? MARTIN: workplace. CAROLYN: Hello. Everything all right in here? NANCY: Ah. Are you Carolyn Shappey-Knappey? CAROLYN: More or less. Hello. Pleased to meet you. NANCY: Nancy Dean Liebhart, expedition supervisor. I was expecting you to meet me and the travellers at the gate. CAROLYN: Oh, yes, sorry. I was unavoidably detained in the airport, helping the steward find a book about polar bears. NANCY: So, in your absence, I had to conduct them aboard a strange aircraft in every sense get them seated and then listen to your first officer squeezing Hitchcock films into the cabin address. CAROLYN: Ooh, how many did you get? DOUGLAS: Thirteen. CAROLYN: Well done! NANCY: I would like a word with you in the galley, madam. CAROLYN: With great pleasure. DOUGLAS: Oh, before you go, how long do you want this Arctic lecture? Ive worked up about twenty minutes worth. Will that do? NANCY: That wont be necessary, thank you. DOUGLAS: But I thought at Unbeaten Track you always NANCY: At Unbeaten Track, we do, because our crews are staffed by professional experts and adventurers with genuine stories to tell. What I feel I would get from you, sir, is some zany British humour, and Ive already had about as much of that as I can take. (Flight deck door closes.) DOUGLAS: Well, she was a little ray of sunshine, wasnt she? MARTIN: I thought she was quite right. DOUGLAS: Did you? MARTIN: Yes. Im sorry to say this, Douglas, but sometimes you are unprofessional. DOUGLAS: Shall we drop the subject? MARTIN: No. Douglas, this is difficult, um, because I-I think weve become friends, and, um, and Im glad about that, but I-I do also think I have a duty to you, a-a-as your captain DOUGLAS (ominously): Think very, very carefully about how you want to finish this sentence. MARTIN: as your captain, to let you know when youre getting into bad habits, and it was unprofessional to do the Film Game on real live passengers. DOUGLAS: You said, Lets hear it. MARTIN: And whats worse is that you were seriously considering low-altitude, low-speed manoeuvres in theArctic, which would be very unsafe for us. DOUGLAS: Itll be perfectly safe so long as Im the one doing it. MARTIN: Yeah, look, you see, no, you-you think youre this invincible pilot, but things go wrong for everyone. And if youre not professional in your assessment DOUGLAS (talking over him): And youre the perfect professional, are you? MARTIN: No, well, not perfect, but I am professional. I analyse risk; I make sure Im in a position to deal with whatever is thrown at me. DOUGLAS: Of course, you know what the actual definition of a professional is, dont you? MARTIN: Im just DOUGLAS: What actually separates professionals from amateurs. MARTIN: I

DOUGLAS: Its being paid to do the job the way Carolyn pays me. And doesnt pay you. (Brief silence.) MARTIN: Pre-take-off checklist, please. DOUGLAS: Certainly, Captain. NANCY: So you understand the issue I have around this? CAROLYN: Oh, absolutely, and I do apologise for not being there to meet you, but I assure you that though small MJN Air adheres to the highest standards of professionalism. ARTHUR: Mum. CAROLYN: Uh, not now, Im busy. ARTHUR: No, theres a serious problem. CAROLYN: What, really? ARTHUR: Yes, look. This book only has a polar bear on the cover. Its actually about all kinds of bears. CAROLYN: Well, I rather set myself up for that, didnt I? NANCY: It wouldnt have mattered anyway. Ive seen your website. ARTHUR: Ooh, have you?! Brilliant. You see, Mum? I told you people would go. NANCY: Oh! You did that, did you? ARTHUR: Thank you! NANCY: Are you a professional web designer? ARTHUR: No! Not even a bit! But theres this website that makes it really simple, even if youre completely clueless. You can make it play music, and the words flash, and, you know, put in things like the line of dancing aeroplanes you know, make it look make it look really professional. NANCY: Okay, Ms Knapp-Shappey, Im going to ask you and your crew from now on at all times to refer to this flight as being an Unbeaten Track flight, not an MJN one. CAROLYN: Why? It is an MJN flight. NANCY: Yes, but my concern is that travellers may Google you on their return and discover no offence what sort of outfit you are. CAROLYN: When you say, No offence, do you in fact know what that means? MARTIN: Could you balance the fuel, Douglas? (Click.) MARTIN: Have you done it? DOUGLAS: You saw me do it. MARTIN: It is protocol to tell me when youve done it. DOUGLAS: Ive done it. (Flight deck door opens. Carolyn comes in sounding furious.) CAROLYN: Right. If that bloody woman thinks she can tell me how to act in my own What is the matter with you two, then? MARTIN: Nothing. DOUGLAS: Nothing. CAROLYN: Well, obviously something. Oh, hang on, Ive just realised: I dont care. Douglas, I have decided that, on this flight, I require some mildly but not life-threatening unprofessional amusement with which to while away the time. MARTIN: Carolyn, no. DOUGLAS: What a good idea! MARTIN: Carolyn, I specifically gave Nancy my word DOUGLAS: Theres always The Travelling Lemon, for instance. CAROLYN: Oh, of course! The very thing! MARTIN: What? Whats that? DOUGLAS: Not come across The Travelling Lemon, Martin, in all your professional experience? W ell, Player One strolls through a full passenger cabin, chatting to the adoring public of this or that topic of interest and, as he goes, he casually secretes somewhere where it can still be clearly seen a lemon, or other citrus fruit as mutually agreed by the players and referees before match play commences, but Im a traditionalist and favour a lemon. CAROLYN: And then Player Two goes out, finds it, retrieves it, hides it again. Now, whats our record, Douglas? DOUGLAS: I believe on that night flight to Miami we achieved a rally of sixteen. CAROLYN: Well, Im sure we can top that. DOUGLAS: Doubtless. Shall I go first? CAROLYN: Oh, by all means. MARTIN (anguished): No! DOUGLAS: Back soon!

(Flight deck door closes. Martin sighs.) MARTIN: Carolyn, Im glad Ive got you alone. CAROLYN: Oh dear. MARTIN: I want a pay rise. CAROLYN: Martin, this is not the time or the place. MARTIN: Yes, it is. I do a difficult and demanding job and I want a pay rise. CAROLYN: Fine. Consider your salary doubled. MARTIN: Very funny. CAROLYN (laughing): Do-do you see? Because twice nothing is nothing! MARTIN: Yes, I get it. CAROLYN: I could have said tripled because three times nothing is also nothing and so on. MARTIN: I really do understand. CAROLYN: Do you? Good, because all this hilarious japery is a nice way of saying, No, absolutely not. MARTIN: Thats the nice way, is it? CAROLYN: Oh-ho-ho, you should hear the nasty way. (Flight deck door opens.) DOUGLAS: Carolyn, the lemon is in play. CAROLYN: Super! MARTIN: Carolyn, please dont let Nancy see you do this. CAROLYN: What do you care what she sees? MARTIN: Just dont. ARTHUR: And this ones a koala bear. Uh, thats not actually a bear, in fact. This one is a panda bear. Thatsnot actually a bear. Honestly, its like nothings actually a bear. MRS COOK (Canadian accent): Im sorry. Im confused. Why are you showing me this? ARTHUR: Its interesting about bears and things. Dont worry: its all part of the service. Its not extra. Were all experts on stuff today, you see? Im the expert on bears. And Egypt, actually. In Egypt, they used to pull your brains out through your nose with a hook. And thats not even something in this book thats something I know! MRS COOK: Is someone looking after you, young man? ARTHUR: No, Im looking after you! You are confused, arent you? CAROLYN: Arthur, what are you doing? ARTHUR: Er, teaching. CAROLYN: Code Red, Arthur. ARTHUR: Ooh, right-o. (Receding footsteps.) MRS COOK: Whats Code Red? CAROLYN: Ooh, its just a code between him and I. It means, Go away, go away now, go away fast. Now, can I get you anything to drink? MRS COOK: A Coke, please. CAROLYN (pouring the drink): Certainly. Ice and lemon? MRS COOK: Just ice, please. CAROLYN (dropping ice cubes into the glass): All right. One Coke with ice. MRS COOK: Thank you. CAROLYN: And Ill take that. MRS COOK: Did you just take something out of my handbag? CAROLYN: No-no, no, no, just from on the top of it. MRS COOK: What? What did you take? CAROLYN: Only this. Sorry I thought you said you didnt want lemon. MRS COOK: No, I dont, but CAROLYN: Is it your lemon? MRS COOK: Uh, no. CAROLYN: Well, Ill look after it, then. Thank you very much. DOUGLAS: Right. Probably about time to give them my lecture. MARTIN: No, youre not doing a lecture. In fact, Im going to do all the cabin address from now on. DOUGLAS: Oh. All right. (Bing-bong.) DOUGLAS: Hallo, ladies and gentlemen. MARTIN (quietly): Douglas, stop! DOUGLAS: You want to talk to them, little Captain Perfect? You can talk to them. MARTIN: Douglas!

DOUGLAS: Obviously Ive got my thumb on the Mute button. MARTIN (sighing with relief): Right, then. Well, then DOUGLAS: Up until now. Ladies and gentlemen, it is now my pleasure to introduce you to your captain today, Captain (he assumes a French accent) Martin duCref (he reverts to his normal accent) who joins us today for his first flight, in fact, after ten years with Air France. MARTIN (furiously, quietly): You DOUGLAS: Dealing with whatevers thrown at you? MARTIN: Although actually Im DOUGLAS: French. Hes a French pilot, from France. MARTIN (putting on an appallingly bad French accent): allo. It is mah pleasure to be today your pilot on this journey most exciting. owever, as I am not, uh, the nattive speaker, the first officer will (he drifts back into his own accent) do most of the talking today. DOUGLAS: Oh, well, if you insist. MARTIN: Douglas, that was the most (Flight deck door opens.) NANCY: What the hell was that? DOUGLAS: Bonjour, Madame. Bienvenue dans le flight deck. MARTIN: Im sorry, I NANCY: You, I thought I could not rely on, but I thought at least I could take my eye off you while I run round nursemaiding the rest of your outfit. MARTIN: It wasnt my fault, though! Douglas NANCY: Yeah, the big boy made you do it, I know, I heard. I mean, I thought you could take care of him. This is it, though, okay? Im talking to you now. DOUGLAS: Oh, really? How lovely. NANCY: Youve had your fun. Its over. DOUGLAS: You see, I dont know. I think there might be some mileage left in it. MARTIN: No, dont worry. I will manage him. NANCY: I certainly hope so. (Flight deck door closes.) MARTIN: Douglas, please. Im asking you nicely. DOUGLAS: You didnt tell your friend youd ask me nicely, though, did you? You told her youd manage me. So, lets see you. (Flight deck door opens.) CAROLYN: Douglas, the lemon is with you. DOUGLAS: Ah, excellent! MARTIN (frantic): No, please! Carolyn, we just had Nancy in here. Shes really angry. She explicitly said DOUGLAS (airily): Bye. (Flight deck door closes. Martin groans.) CAROLYN: Dont worry about her, Martin. She didnt book us. Shes just a jumped -up rep. MARTIN: Yes, I know. I just I really want her to think of me as a professional. CAROLYN: Why? What do you care what she thinks? MARTIN: Well, she said I was one and and now she thinks Im not and I Well, Im not, am I, because you dont pay me. You pay the others but you dont pay me. CAROLYN: Its not that I wont, Martin. I cant. How many times do I have to tell you: this is a loss-making company which could fold at any moment. Anyway, I dont pay Arthur. MARTIN: But he lives with you, so he gets all his food and lodging for free. CAROLYN: Martin, let me nip this very much in the bud any suggestion of you coming to live with us. MARTIN: Oh God, no! No, no-no-no. And what about Douglas? You pay him, dont you? CAROLYN: Yes. Yes, I pay him because I have to pay him, because hes not like you. If I stopped paying him, hed stop coming to work in the limited sense of the word work that applies to Douglas. MARTIN: You could cut his pay, though. CAROLYN: You want me to cut Douglas pay. MARTIN: No, I-I dont want you to, Im just saying you could, theoretically, split it between us. Its not unreasonable. We do the same job. Why should he get all the pay? I mean, have you ever thought about the way I live at home? CAROLYN: Not Im delighted to say for a single second. MARTIN: Yes, well, maybe you should. I get ten pounds an hour as a Man with a Van. CAROLYN: Well, theres your problem. Thats far too cheap. Last time I used one, I paid about twenty-five. MARTIN: Yes, but my vans very old and breaks down a lot, and half the time Im not there because Im flying an aircraft for you. The only thing Ive got going for me is that Im cheap. So I live in a horrible attic in a shared house where Im the only grown-up. All the other five are students at the agricultural college. Ive been therenine years now; thats three generations of students. They pass me on to the next lot like a sort of

friendly ghost: Oh, are you living in Parkside Terrace next year? Well, listen, theres a pilot in the attic but dont worry, he never bothers anyone. I cant afford to go out, to buy nice food. I live on toast and pasta. Sometimes, for a treat, I have a baked potato. So just so you know Im not asking because Im greedy. (Long pause.) CAROLYN: I will think about it. MARTIN: Thank you. (Flight deck door opens.) DOUGLAS: Behold! The lemon! Thats an easy one, Carolyn. You think a seasoned old Travelling Lemon player like me doesnt know the old air freshener substitution trick? MARTIN: Right, good. Youve both hidden it, youve both found it. Game over, all right? DOUGLAS: No, no. Were just starting a rally. CAROLYN: Douglas, maybe we should DOUGLAS: Of course, you havent found it yet, Martin. MARTIN: What? DOUGLAS: Ill do you a deal. Ill hide it for you. If you find it, you can keep it. Game over. MARTIN: And no new game? DOUGLAS: No new game. MARTIN: Promise you wont hide it anywhere near or on Nancy. DOUGLAS: Damn. All right. MARTIN: And itll be in plain sight? DOUGLAS: Of course. That is the most sacred and fundamental law of The Travelling Lemon. MARTIN: All right. ARTHUR: Hello. Youre youre the woman from Unbeaten Track, arent you? NANCY: Yes. Hello. ARTHUR: Hello. Uh, we didnt meet properly. Im Arthur. Im the steward and bear expert. For instance, the sloth bear eats half its own body weight every month. NANCY: Im a little busy with these forms. ARTHUR: Oh, you should do what I do. Dont do them. Listen, I-I was just wondering: are all your experts on your crew or do you have guest lecturers? NANCY: Yes, sometimes. ARTHUR: Right, because I just know an awful lot about bears at the moment. Uh, so if you ever need to, you know, borrow me, well youd have to sort it out with Mum but Im sure itd be okay. NANCY: Thank you for your offer. Ill bear that in mind. ARTHUR: Bear! NANCY: Where? ARTHUR: No-no, you said, Bear that in mind, like a bear! (He laughs uproariously.) Oh, I might put that in my lecture! MR. PEARY (Canadian accent): Excuse me, Captain. MARTIN: Yes, hello. MR. PEARY: Oh! You you sound different in person. (Pause.) MARTIN (putting on his terrible French accent): Do I? I do not know why. Can I elp you? MR. PEARY: I just wondered if everything was okay. Youve been up and down the cabin three times now. MARTIN (French accent): Ah, non, all is well. I just, erm You avent, by any chance, seen MR. PEARY: Seen what? MARTIN (French accent): a little lemon? MR. PEARY: What?! MARTIN (French accent): Nothing. It is no matter. (Flight deck door opens.) DOUGLAS: Ah, hello, Captain. Id given you up for lost. Found the lemon yet? MARTIN: No. DOUGLAS: Oh dear. Then the revelry continues. MARTIN: Look, Douglas, lets just stop fighting. DOUGLAS: Thats easy for you to say. You started it. MARTIN: Yes, all right, and now I want to finish it. DOUGLAS: But it hasnt occurred to you, for instance, to say sorry. MARTIN: Im sorry. Im sorry I called you unprofessional. DOUGLAS: Thank you. MARTIN: So were quits?

DOUGLAS: Nearly. Maybe if (Bing-bong.) DOUGLAS: Ladies and gentlemen, First Officer Richardson again. As you know, here at Unbeaten Track, its our pleasure to provide you with a short talk or anecdote MARTIN (hissing quietly): Douglas, no! DOUGLAS: from one of the crew with particular knowledge of the region. In this case, Id like to invite Captain duCref MARTIN (quietly, hysterically): Pleeeeease! DOUGLAS: to share with you the enthralling story of how he once encountered a polar bear in the wild and outwitted it armed only with if I recall correctly an egg whisk and a pogo stick. Ladies and gentlemen, your captain! MARTIN (terrible French accent): Allo. Well I dont like to talk about zis. DOUGLAS: But youve agreed to now! Were most honoured! So, when did it happen? MARTIN (French accent): Uh when I was in ze French Foreign Legion. DOUGLAS: Ah, the regiment famous for being non-Frenchmen. MARTIN (French accent): Yes. For me they made ze exception because I am not entirely French (he begins to drift into his normal accent) in fact, Im half-English more than half, actually, so (he forces himself to return to the French accent) anyway, we were stationed in Alaska DOUGLAS: Unusual for a desert regiment. MARTIN (French accent): Yes, it was unusual. We wanted to ave ze element of surprise. Anyway, I saw a polar bear, so I called out to my comrades DOUGLAS: What did you call out? MARTIN (French accent): Look out! A polar bear! DOUGLAS: Only you said it in French. MARTIN (French accent): Of course I said it in French then. I do not say it in French now because no -one would understand me. DOUGLAS: But, just out of interest, what is polar bear in French? MARTIN (French accent): It is, in fact, the same as in English. DOUGLAS: Really? Polar bear? MARTIN (French accent): Yes. It is a word we have borrowed from your langwaj. Only, of course, we say bear polar. DOUGLAS: I see. So you saw the polar bear, you called out, Attention, mes amis! Regardez-vous le bear polar! And then what? MARTIN (very rapidly in his French accent): Then I put the egg whisk into the snowdrift, whisked it up like a blizzard in the bears face, then under cover of his confusion, I bounced away on the pogo stick. Zhank you, goodbye. DOUGLAS: Goodness, what a remarkable story! Just goes to show, ladies and gentlemen, truth is stranger than fiction. MARTIN (normal accent): Thanks. Thanks a lot. You-you had to do that, didnt you? I just wanted one person one stranger to take me seriously as a professional pilot, but you couldnt even allow that. You had to humiliate me even after Id said sorry and now I dont know why I did. DOUGLAS: If it helps, the cabin address wasnt on for any of that. MARTIN: What? DOUGLAS: No-one heard it but you and me. MARTIN: You werent pressing the Mute button, and the red light was on. DOUGLAS: True; but while you were out playing hunt the lemon, I switched the LED round. Now the red light comes on when the PA is off. MARTIN: But that would mean its on now. DOUGLAS: It is, but now I have got my thumb on the Mute button. MARTIN: You absolute (Flight deck door bursts open.) ARTHUR: BEARS!! (Martin yells out in surprise.) ARTHUR: Bears, bears, bears! Polar bears! Look, on the ground! DOUGLAS: Of all places! Excellent! Right, bears, lets see what youve got. (GERTIs engines start to strain.) MARTIN: Douglas, I dont think (The engines whine even more with strain.) MARTIN: Douglas, we dont have the altitude! DOUGLAS (enthusiastically): Oh, weve got plenty of altitude! MARTIN: We dont! Were at treetop level already! DOUGLAS (enthusiastically): Ah, but youre forgetting no trees in the Arctic! That gives us at least another

thirty foot! MARTIN: No, it doesn DOUGLAS: Oh, you think you can get away that way, do you, Paddington? MARTIN (panic-stricken): No! Douglas, youll stall it! DOUGLAS: No I wont. Just sit back and enjoy the ride! MARTIN: I cant enjoy it if youre gonna kill us all! DOUGLAS: Dont exaggerate! Ah-ha! MARTIN: (screaming in terror) DOUGLAS: Lets be having you, then, Winnie! MARTIN: Douglas! I have control! DOUGLAS: No you dont! Ooh, Baloo at ten oclock! (He impersonates a machine gun.) Daka-daka-dakadaka-daka-daka! MARTIN (panic-stricken): Douglas, please, please stop! Youre gonna kill us all! Please! Youll kill us all! DOUGLAS (tetchily): Oh, fine. (GERTIs engines settle down to their normal noise. Martin pants noisily.) DOUGLAS: Honestly, what a fuss. (Flight deck door opens.) CAROLYN (sounding a little breathless): Gentlemen. DOUGLAS: There you go. We gave them a bit of a show, didnt we? CAROLYN: Oh yes. DOUGLAS: Sorry I had to stop, but they must have got a pretty good eyeful of the bears, didnt they? CAROLYN: They mainly werent looking at the bears. DOUGLAS: Why ever not? CAROLYN: Because they were mainly frozen in terror, because for some reason, as soon as you started chasing the bears, the cabin address came on. DOUGLAS: Oh dear. Now that, I admit, was a bit unprofessional. (Sound of the passengers disembarking, muttering amongst themselves.) CAROLYN: Goodbye. Goodbye. Thank you for flying with Unbeaten Track. ARTHUR: Goodbye. A female bear is called a sow. CAROLYN: Goodbye, madam. Thank you for flying Unbeaten Track. ARTHUR: Goodbye. A grizzly bear can strip a deers carcass in six minutes. MRS COOK: I beg your pardon? CAROLYN: Farewell bear facts, madam, courtesy of Unbeaten Track. NANCY: Excuse me! Let me through! I need you to stop saying that. It was MJN Air, madam. Remember, any complaints or lawsuits you may have, direct them to MJN Air. MARTIN: Er, excuse me, Nancy. NANCY: Ive nothing to say to you, Captain. MARTIN: No, well, I have something to say to you. I know I havent come across as completely professional this trip NANCY: Ha! MARTIN (passionately): but as it happens, I am professional. I am the most professional pilot I know. (His voice falters.) Its just well, it happens that I fly with a crew who well, Im not blaming them, its just (He shouts frantically) they never behave like the crews in the manuals! They dont even behave like the crews in the manuals who are the examples of crews behaving badly! They do things no manuals ever thought of! (He pulls himself together.) Anyway, I, er, I just wanted to say I am paid to fly aeroplanes, I do it proudly and I take it seriously. I am absolutely a professional, and I dont need you to tell me so. NANCY: Well. thats a very lovely speech. Very moving. MARTIN: Hm. Thank you. NANCY: Dyou know what would have made it even better? If youd given it without a lemon taped to the top of your hat.

SEASON 3 EPISODE 2: Paris

This week, Paris! (In the portacabin) ARTHUR (singing to the tune of Happy Birthday to You): Happy Birling Day to us! Happy Birling Day to us! (He strains to reach the high note on the next line.) Happy Birling Day, dear Martin and Douglas and Arrrrr-thur

MARTIN: All right, Arthur, thatll do! ARTHUR (finishing off the song rapidly): Happy Birling Day to us! MARTIN: Arthur! ARTHUR: Sorry! I just love Birling Day, dont you? MARTIN: No, I dont. I didnt become a pilot so that I could bow and scrape to some horrible dotty old man just because he gives massive tips. DOUGLAS: Well dont do it, then. MARTIN: Yes unfortunately I also didnt become a pilot who earns enough to afford not to. (Carolyn comes in.) CAROLYN: Ah, Douglas. Nice and early for Birling Day, I see. DOUGLAS: Ah, Carolyn. Likewise. CAROLYN: You are not going to win this time, Douglas. DOUGLAS: An interesting theory. Let me propose an alternative one: I am going to win this time. CAROLYN: Ah, but DOUGLAS: And this is a theory I have built up from the following postulates: one I win every time; two this is a time; three I will win this time. ARTHUR: Ooh, is this about the whiskey? CAROLYN: Yes, Arthur, this is about this two hundred pound bottle of twenty-five years old single malt Talisker whiskey which I am providing at the request of and for the sole benefit of Mr. Birling and of which Douglas here is not going to get so much as a single solitary sip. DOUGLAS: Well, thats true. Im not going to drink it Im going to sell it. CAROLYN: You are not going to do anything with it, Raffles, and Ill tell you why not: this Birling Da y, the whiskey is going to be under constant and vigilant watch. DOUGLAS: Oh, are you coming with us for once? That, I admit, does make it a little more interesting. CAROLYN: No, Im not. I do not trust myself to spend any more than twenty minutes with Mr. Birling without thumping him in the cravat. No, I am referring to my newly-appointed eyes and ears in the air, Detective Inspector Martin Crieff. DOUGLAS: Oh, really?! MARTIN: Yes. Sorry, Douglas, but she offered me a hundred pounds if I stop you from stealing it. DOUGLAS: And let me guess: If I do steal it, you pay her? MARTIN: Yes. DOUGLAS: Oh, Martin, you didnt fall for that, did you? Cant you see shes just trying to sell her debt on? She knows Ill steal it because I always do. She just wants to r ecoup some of her loss off you. MARTIN: Yes, but what if I stop you stealing it? DOUGLAS: Yes. That would certainly work out very well for you. There are just two small but I fear insurmountable problems with the scheme: I am me; and you are you. And I can outwit you with my wits tied behind my back. MARTIN: Oh, is that so? DOUGLAS: It is so. MARTIN: Well Im not so sure. DOUGLAS: I am so sure. MARTIN: Stop doing that! DOUGLAS: But I will steal it, and when I do and you come to me moaning about how you have to pay Carolyn a hundred pounds and you cant afford it, my reply will rhyme with, I bold you go. MR. BIRLING (from outside): Well? Do I have to open the door for myself? CAROLYN (opening the door): Mr. Birling. I do apologise. We didnt hear you knock. MR. BIRLING: Didnt knock. Shouted. Hello. MARTIN (grovelling): Mr. Birling. How nice to see you. DOUGLAS: Welcome back, sir. MR. BIRLING: Ah, my dear boys, there you are. Ready once more to help me slip the surly bounds of Earth, put out my hand and punch the face of God? DOUGLAS: I think its touch the face of God. MR. BIRLING: No, no, I didnt like the sound of that at all. Icky. CAROLYN: Well, I dont suppose God would be overjoyed at the prospect, either. MR. BIRLING: Oh, are you still here? I didnt see you last time. I thought perhaps youd died. CAROLYN: No. I am still here. MR. BIRLING: Fancy that. (Mrs Birling comes into the office.) MRS BIRLING: Birling! You cant just park with my door jammed against a wall and leave me there! MR. BIRLING: Can. Did. Elizabeth, these are the joke pilots I was telling you about. Captain, First Mate, Cabin Boy. MARTIN (laughing awkwardly): Um, actually Im the captain.

MR. BIRLING: He always says that. I dont know why. Pilots, this is Elizabeth, my awful wife. Shes come to see me off. MARTIN: Oh, hello. Um, Im sure shes not awful. MR. BIRLING: Well, Ill tell you what, my dear boy: you marry her for thirty years and then well compare notes. MRS BIRLING: Hello, yes. Nice to meet you and so forth, etcetera. Anyway, heres fifty pounds each. DOUGLAS: Oh, thank you! I must say, the early evidence is weighing heavily in favour of your not being awful. MRS BIRLING: Those are your tips. Youre having them now, and thats all youre getting. Mr. Birling and I have talked about those extravagant tips he used to give and weve mutually decided they should stop, havent we, Birling? MR. BIRLING: No. MRS BIRLING: Do you want to see your stupid rugby in stupid Paris? MR. BIRLING: Rugby isnt stupid. Paris, I grant you, is moronic. MRS BIRLING: What have we decided, then? MR. BIRLING (sulkily): No tips. MRS BIRLING: Thats right. MR. BIRLING: Shes an awful woman, she really is. I hate her more than I can say. MRS BIRLING: Right, off you go, then, Birling, and have a mildly pleasant time. Any more than that and youre in trouble. MR. BIRLING: Goodbye, dear. Take care while Im gone. Dont jump into any mineshafts. ARTHUR: This way, Mr. Birling. MR. BIRLING: What, into the aeroplane through the door of the aeroplane? You astonish me. ARTHUR: Ask me another one! MR. BIRLING: Who won the Triple Crown in seventy-seven? ARTHUR: Ah, trick question. I dont know. CAROLYN: Umm, drivers? Before you get on board, if youd care to step this way. DOUGLAS: Yes, Carolyn? CAROLYN: Phil from the fire crew is standing by for the traditional Birling Day frisking of the first officer. PHIL (patting Douglas down): Sorry, Douglas. DOUGLAS: Is this really necessary, Carolyn, now you have Crieff of the Yard dogging my every move? CAROLYN: No sense in taking chances. All right, Phil, what have we got? PHIL: Er, on his person, nothing. In his flight bag, one large plastic bottle of apple juice. CAROLYN: Oh, Douglas. Is this the best you can do? DOUGLAS: What? I like apple juice. CAROLYN: Well, youre going to have to do without it this time. Phil, throw it away. (Phil tosses the bottle in the bin.) DOUGLAS: I need that! CAROLYN: Anything else, Phil? PHIL (opening zipped pockets in the bag): Um, one small bottle of nail varnish. CAROLYN: What, again? Ah, thats sweet. Did you really think Id let you pull the same trick twice? You see, Douglas likes to use a dab of nail varnish to re-seal the caps of the bottles hes tampered with. Well, much good it may do you, Douglas, because this time there is just one bottle and I am opening it now. (Crack of the bottle lid being opened and then unscrewed.) CAROLYN: Now, lets see. (She takes a sip.) CAROLYN: Ooh. Mmmm! That is good stuff! Thank you, Phil. Dismissed. Oh, Martin: I am now placing the whiskey in your hands both literally and metaphorically. Stop Douglas getting hold of it for the next six hours and youve won a hundred quid. MARTIN: All right. Douglas, dont come anywhere near me. Get into the plane and go into the flight deck. DOUGLAS: You really dont have to hug the bottle like that, Martin. MARTIN: Just do it, please. DOUGLAS: All right. Goodbye, Carolyn. CAROLYN: Goodbye, Douglas. Good luck, Martin and may God have mercy on your soul. MARTIN: All right. Now, into the flight deck. DOUGLAS: Im going, Im going. MARTIN: Close the door. (Flight deck door closes.) MARTIN: Good. Arthur! ARTHUR: Hello, Skip!

MARTIN: Here is Mr. Birlings special whiskey. Now, I am not going to let Douglas out of the flight deck between now and Paris but, if he should escape somehow, he is not allowed to touch, hold, borrow, taste, look at or-or do anything at all with this whiskey, have you got that? ARTHUR: Got it. MARTIN: So, what isnt Douglas allowed to go near? ARTHUR: The whiskey. MARTIN: Who isnt allowed to go near the whiskey? ARTHUR: Douglas. MARTIN: What isnt Douglas allowed to do to the whiskey? ARTHUR: Anything. MARTIN: You really have got it! ARTHUR: Ive got it! Im not stupid! MARTIN: Who isnt allowed to do what to what? ARTHUR: Im not allowed to drive Mums car. MARTIN: What?! ARTHUR: Sorry, Skip, thats an earlier one. Um, Douglas isnt allowed to go near the whiskey. MARTIN: Good. Here it is. DOUGLAS: Post take-off checks complete. MARTIN: Thank you. DOUGLAS: So. Youve left the whiskey with Arthur, have you? MARTIN: None of your business. DOUGLAS: Bit risky, isnt it? Ive have thought youd have wanted to hang on to it yourself. MARTIN: No, actually. If it was here, you could manufacture some emergency to distract me while you swiped it and Id have to deal with it, but whatever happens, I can make absolutely certain you dont leave the flight deck til we land again. DOUGLAS: Mmm! Well played! MARTIN: Thank you. DOUGLAS: Well, Im just going to the loo. MARTIN: Oh no youre not! DOUGLAS: I rather think I am. MARTIN: No! I forbid it! DOUGLAS: You forbid it? MARTIN: Yes. DOUGLAS: Sorry, er, just to be clear: you are forbidding me from using the toilet, Captain? MARTIN: You dont need to go! DOUGLAS: I do! MARTIN: Well, youll just have to hold it in for an hour, wont you? DOUGLAS: Cant do that. Terribly bad for you. MARTIN: Right, fine. (Into intercom) Arthur, could you bring the Talisker to the flight deck, please? ARTHUR (over intercom): Okay! MARTIN: Douglas, put your hands on your head. DOUGLAS: Put my what on my what?! MARTIN: Oh, you heard me! DOUGLAS: Im not putting my hands on my head! MARTIN: You put your hands on your head or you dont go to the loo. DOUGLAS: Fine. (Flight deck door opens.) ARTHUR: All right, Skip, I MARTIN (panic-stricken): Arthur, give it to me, give it to me! Dont get near Douglas with it! Give it to me! Give it straight to me! Thank you. ARTHUR: You all right, Douglas? DOUGLAS: Fine, thank you. ARTHUR: Only you look like youve got a headache, or youve just discovered youve lost your hat. MARTIN: Douglas, you may go to the loo. DOUGLAS: I dont need to go any more. MARTIN: Oh, what a surprise(!) Go anyway. I dont want you pulling this again in ten minutes. DOUGLAS: Your wish is my command. (Flight deck door closes.) ARTHUR: I think youre doing this brilliantly, Skip. MARTIN: Thank you. ARTHUR: I dont know how hes gonna steal it this time.

MARTIN: Hes not going to steal it this time. ARTHUR: No, no, probably not. Although he is really sneaky. MARTIN: I dont care how sneaky he is, Arthur. If I simply never let him touch the bottle, he cant steal it. (The intercom beeps.) MR. BIRLING (over intercom): Hello? How does this thing work? MARTIN: Oh! (He laughs falsely.) Mr. Birling! Are you all right? MR. BIRLING: No. Ive been dinging on my Summon-an-Idiot bell for ages. And yet have I an idiot to show for my trouble? I have not! ARTHUR: Just coming, Mr. B.! MR. BIRLING: Good. And bring me my whiskey. ARTHUR: Right-o! (Intercom switches off again.) ARTHUR: Okay, Skip, if I could have MARTIN: Arthur, what were we just saying? ARTHUR: Oh, loads of stuff. MARTIN: Im not letting go of this bottle until Douglas is sitting back in his chair. ARTHUR: Okay. (The sat comm bleeps.) MARTIN: Hello? MJN Air. CAROLYN (over sat comm): Has he got it yet? MARTIN: No, he hasnt, and I resent the yet. Hes not gonna get it at all. CAROLYN: Have you got it yet, Douglas? MARTIN: Hes not in the flight deck at the moment. CAROLYN: Oh, fair enough. Hes a busy man. Hell be stealing the whiskey. MARTIN: No, actually, the whiskey is with me. I can do this, Carolyn. I am capable of (Flight deck door opens.) MARTIN: Ah. Er, bye, Carolyn. (Sat comm off.) MARTIN: Hands on your head. Hands on your head! DOUGLAS: Martin, please MARTIN (hysterically): Hands on your head! (More calmly) Thank you. Now, sit down, back down, slowly. Good, thank you. Arthur, here is the whiskey. You may now go and serve Mr. Birling. ARTHUR: Thanks, Skip! (Flight deck door closes.) DOUGLAS: Are you really going to keep this up for the whole trip? MARTIN: Yes, I am. And when by the end of it you havent managed to steal, Im going to say something that rhymes with You bidnt gell nee cat er DOUGLAS: Are you all right? MARTIN: You didnt tell me that, did you? Oh, it worked in my head! (Mr. Birling is alternately ringing the service bell and calling out.) MR. BIRLING: (Ding) Ding! (Ding) Ding! (Ding) Ding! (Ding) Ding! ARTHUR: Hello, Mr. B. MR. BIRLING: A-ha! Where have you been? Ive been both ringing my bell and shouting the word Ding since approximately the late Middle Ages. ARTHUR: Sorry. Skip was just MR. BIRLING: I dont wanna hear your Sorry Skip was justs. Now, pour me my Talisker. ARTHUR (pouring a glassful): Here you are. MR. BIRLING: Uh. At last. (He takes a gulp, then chokes.) MR. BIRLING: Thats not Talisker! Thats horrible! ARTHUR: Wow! MR. BIRLING: What do you mean, Wow? ARTHUR: Nothing. Its just I think the first officer might be magic! MARTIN (bursting into the flight deck): Right! How did you do it? DOUGLAS: Everything tickety-boo, Martin? MARTIN: How did you do it? How could you possibly have done it? DOUGLAS: Done what? MARTIN: Stolen Mr. Birlings whiskey how? DOUGLAS: What are you talking about? I havent. MARTIN: Oh, dont give me that! Okay, you won! Ill have to pay Carolyn. Now just tell me: how did you do

it? DOUGLAS (sounding genuinely surprised): Are you telling me the whiskeys gone? MARTIN: Yes, its gone! Because you took it! But how? DOUGLAS: I didnt. MARTIN: Well, of course you did! Youve been saying youre gonna take it all flight! DOUGLAS: Yes, and so I am, but I havent yet. I havent had a chance. MARTIN: What? DOUGLAS: Just tell me what happened. MARTIN: Mr. Birling asked for his whiskey; Arthur poured it out; it wasnt Talisker. DOUGLAS: It was apple juice? MARTIN: No, it was cheap horrible whiskey. DOUGLAS: Right. Because when I do it, itll be apple juice. MARTIN: Philip took away your apple juice. DOUGLAS: My decoy apple juice, certainly. MARTIN: A-a-a-a-are you seriously saying it wasnt you? DOUGLAS: Hand on heart, it absolutely wasnt Oh, hang on. Very clever. MARTIN: What? DOUGLAS: No, really, Im very impressed. Carolyns idea, I take it or did you actually come up with it yourself? MARTIN: What are you talking about? DOUGLAS: Youve quite obviously taken it and hidden it so I cant steal it and you can return it to Carolyn. MARTIN: I of course I didnt take it! You took it! DOUGLAS: No I didnt. You took it. MARTIN: No, you took it! (The sat comm bleeps.) MARTIN: Oh God. (The sat comm bleeps again.) MARTIN (clearing his throat as he answers): Hello, Carolyn. CAROLYN: So. Has he taken it yet? MARTIN: I dont know. CAROLYN: You dont know? How can you not know? Apply this simple test: do you have with you (a) a bottle of fine whiskey, or (b) a first officer with a grin like a cat whos learned to use a tin opener? MARTIN: I meant no, he-he-he hasnt stolen it. Its fine. Its all fine. CAROLYN: Oh Lord. Hes stolen it. How could you let this happen, Martin? I give you one simple job MARTIN (hurriedly): Sorry, Carolyn, got to go, were just flying over a a mountain. CAROLYN: In the English Channel? MARTIN: Bye! (Sat comm off.) MARTIN (panic-stricken): All right, I can sort this out, I can sort this out. (He turns the intercom on, taking in a deep breath as he does.) MARTIN (into intercom): ARTHUR! Could you come in here, please? ARTHUR (over intercom): Right-o! DOUGLAS: Ah, calling in the finest brains to work on the problem. MARTIN: A plane is a sealed unit. It must be on here somewhere. I just need to think I just need to think. (The flight deck door opens.) ARTHUR: Hi, chaps. MARTIN: Arthur, describe to me exactly what happened when you left the flight deck. ARTHUR: Okay. Wow, this is brilliant. MARTIN: Its not brilliant! ARTHUR: Its a bit brilliant. Can I tell you in my own words? DOUGLAS: Who elses words had you planned to use? Winston Churchills? ARTHUR: No, but they always say, Tell us in your own words the events of the night in question. MARTIN: Just tell us! ARTHUR: All right. In my own words, I came into the galley with the bottle you gave me. MARTIN: Yes. ARTHUR: I got a glass, and I went in to Mr. Birling MARTIN: Yes. ARTHUR: He had a bit of a shout; I had a bit of a listen MARTIN (impatiently): Yes. ARTHUR: I poured him a glass of whiskey; he tasted it, said it was horrible. I called for you; you came; you did that funny thing with your throat DOUGLAS: What funny thing?

ARTHUR: Oh, you know, the sort of (he makes a high-pitched panicked whining sound). MARTIN: All right, thatll do! Thank you, Arthur. DOUGLAS: Has that revealed the vital clue, Inspector? MARTIN: Shush, Douglas. DOUGLAS: Just trying to help. MARTIN: You cant help. Youre the suspect and also the person who did it! DOUGLAS: I really didnt, Martin. You made it impossible. And if I had, dont you think Id be gloating by now? MARTIN: Well yes. But who else could it be? DOUGLAS: Well, if youre sure it wasnt you, then I suppose theres only one person it could be. MARTIN: Well but why would Mr. Birling steal his own whiskey? DOUGLAS: I couldnt say, Martin. Perhaps you should investigate. ARTHUR: Ooh! Can I come too? MARTIN: No. ARTHUR: I wont say anything. Ill just be really excited! MARTIN: Mr. Birling. MR. BIRLING: Ah. Have you found it? MARTIN: Not just yet. MR. BIRLING: Well, then, find it. Has it occurred to you that Douglas might have taken it? He steals things, doesnt he, and I dont like his face. Mind you, I dont like your face. Worst thing about MJN: very ugly pilots. MARTIN: Mr. Birling, um, I just have a few questions for you. Quite routine. Nothing to worry about. MR. BIRLING: Why would I be worried? MARTIN: No reason. You shouldnt be. (He laughs falsely.) MR. BIRLING: Im not worried Im furious. Is that what you meant? Nothing to be furious about? Because if so, you couldnt be more wrong. And what do you mean, quite routine? How many mid -air whiskey thefts do you deal with? ARTHUR: About one a year. MARTIN: Shut up, Arthur! Mr. Birling, please tell me exactly what happened. ARTHUR: In my own words. MARTIN: In his own words in your own words. MR. BIRLING: I dinged my bell for about a week, then idiot-features here poured me my special whiskey, then I tasted it and it was foul, and then I was furious, and now I still am. MARTIN: I see. Now, um, j-j-just for the sake of argument, um, if you had stolen the whiskey yourself MR. BIRLING (angrily): Me?! Are you a total imbecile? Its my whiskey! I dont have to steal it its mine! If I stole it, it wouldnt be stealing, it would be having! And if I had it, I would have it! (Flight deck door opens.) DOUGLAS: Any progress? MARTIN: I dont think he has it. DOUGLAS: How can you tell? MARTIN: Pretty certain. But, um, its just impossible. He didnt take it; I didnt take it; you couldnt have taken it, and theres no-one else except Arthur, so how Oh! DOUGLAS: Youre not thinking MARTIN: Well, I know it seems crazy, but DOUGLAS: Arthur?! MARTIN: I know! But the thing is, weve taken away all the things that can possibly have happened, so I suppose the only thing thats left, even though it seems really weird, must be the thing that did happen, in fact. DOUGLAS: Snappily put. (The galley curtain rattles.) MARTIN: Arthur. ARTHUR: Ooh, hello, Skip! Ive got a theory! Now, suppose there was a travelling circus going by the airport, and one of the monkeys MARTIN: Let me stop you there, Arthur. ARTHUR: Yes? MARTIN: Im not angry. ARTHUR: Oh, good. Nor am I. MARTIN: Good. Um, but I-I-I think you should tell me what happened when you spilled Mr. Birlings Talisker. ARTHUR: What? MARTIN: That is what happened, isnt it? When I left you to go to the flight deck, Id taken care to impre ss

you with how very valuable and important the whiskey was, so when you dropped it and the bottle unsealed by Carolyn spilled everywhere, you panicked, and in horror you tried to cover up the accident by refilling it with cheap and nasty whiskey from the drinks cupboard didnt you? ARTHUR: Skip, youre absolutely brilliant. MARTIN: Huh! ARTHUR: How did you work it all out? Youre like Miss Marple! MARTIN: So that is what happened? ARTHUR: No! But its a brilliant solution! MARTIN: What? You-you didnt spill it? ARTHUR: No. Promise. Cross my heart and hope to die, terrapins tickle me if I lie. MARTIN: Well, someone did, Arthur, and if it wasnt me or Douglas or Mr. Birling or you, then who was it? ARTHUR: Well, this is where the monkey comes in. You see, the clowns like to get it drunk on whiskey for fun MARTIN: No, it wasnt a monkey, Arthur! ARTHUR: Well, you have your theories; I have mine. MARTIN: Theres Phil from the fire crew, I suppose, but he never touched the whiskey, only the apple juice he took off Oh! ARTHUR: What? MARTIN: Well, of course! Now I see exactly how he did it! ARTHUR: Do you? Brilliant! This is what always happens to Miss Marple as well! Was it the very last person we would suspect? MARTIN: No, it was Douglas. ARTHUR: Oh. Hes the very first person we would suspect. MARTIN: Yes! And he did it, even though it looks impossible. ARTHUR: Okay. Im just saying hes not who Miss Marple would have picked. MARTIN: Well Im not Miss Marple! ARTHUR: No. (Flight deck door opens.) MARTIN: Ah. Hello, Douglas. ARTHUR: Yes. Hello, Douglas. DOUGLAS: Hello. How goes the crime fighting? ARTHUR: Douglas, you may be wondering why weve asked you all to gather together. DOUGLAS: I wasnt aware you had asked me all to gather together. MARTIN: Thank you, Arthur. Leave it to me. Douglas, I know what happened. DOUGLAS: Oh. Sorry, Arthur, I did try and put him on the wrong trail with Mr. Birling, but I suppose he was always gonna work it out eventually. MARTIN: Work what out? DOUGLAS: Well, I assume Arthur accidentally spilled the whiskey and refilled it with cheap stuff, hoping noone would notice. MARTIN: No, actually, I thought of that, and he didnt. DOUGLAS: How dyou know? MARTIN: He says he didnt. DOUGLAS: Oh, right. MARTIN: And hes Arthur. He cant tell lies. His face goes a funny colour and if hes not sitting down, he falls over. ARTHUR: And sometimes even if I am sitting down. DOUGLAS: Well, that is true. MARTIN: Also, I know it wasnt him because it was you. And I know exactly how you did it. DOUGLAS: Well, you dont, because I didnt. MARTIN: I do, because you did. It was the apple juice! You know youre always searched on Birling Day. Why would you bring a bottle of apple juice in your flight bag unless having it taken away was exactly what you wanted because it wasnt apple juice at all it was the stolen Talisker! It was never taken off the plane because it was never on it! Before I even saw it, youd got at the bottle, filled it with cheap whiskey, re -sealed it with that nail varnish, put the real whiskey in the plastic bottle so that Phil who must be in on it with you could claim it was apple juice and take it off you to return it to you later! (Douglas applauds sarcastically.) DOUGLAS: Very clever, Martin. Very clever indeed. I see I under-estimated you. ARTHUR: And me. DOUGLAS: No, not you. MARTIN: So you admit it, Douglas? DOUGLAS: Uh, no, because youve forgotten Carolyn tasted the whiskey just before she gave it to you and

said it was definitely Talisker. Sorry. MARTIN: Oh. Yes. DOUGLAS: So Id have to have been in league with Carolyn, not Phil, but what would either of us have to gain from Ah-ha! MARTIN: What? What? DOUGLAS: Of course! ARTHUR: Oh, wow! Now Douglas is like Miss Marple! MARTIN: No, Im Miss Marple! DOUGLAS: Martin, it wasnt me, or you, or Arthur, or Mr. Birling who stole Carolyns whiskey. It was Carolyn! MARTIN: What? ARTHUR: Douglas is definitely Miss Marple. Thats who Miss Marple would have picked. DOUGLAS: Or rather, she didnt, because there was never any whiskey to steal. Look: Carolyn knows that every year I steal the whiskey. Suddenly, she realises: if Mr. Birlings not going to get the whiskey, why bother providing it? If she simply refills an old Talisker bottle with cheap whiskey and then re-seals it with the nail varnish trick I taught her, she can open it in front of us, tell us its the real thing and then, when Mr. Birling finds out its not, everyone will blame me and shell save herself two hundred pounds. MARTIN: Oh! DOUGLAS: And then, she thinks, why not actually make some money into the bargain? If she can convince you to accept the deal, then, whether I steal it or not, she can sting you for a hundred quid. MARTIN: No! She wouldnt do that! DOUGLAS: Im afraid so. Youre the mark, Martin; the cats-paw, the schmuck, the fall guy. Youve been played like a cheap pianola. MARTIN: I dont believe it! What can I do? DOUGLAS: Aint nothin you can do thats Chinatown. MARTIN: Right, give me the sat comm. DOUGLAS: What for? MARTIN: Im gonna tell her exactly what I think of her. DOUGLAS: Yes, you could do or MARTIN: What? DOUGLAS: Well, its just occurred to me: maybe there is something you can do. Maybe this isnt Chinatown. ARTHUR: You see, I didnt think it was when you said that. MARTIN: What do you mean? DOUGLAS: Well, if you accuse her, shell just deny all knowledge of it and her being her youll end up having to pay. But if you tell her that Mr. Birling enjoyed his Talisker very much and finished it all up, shell know youre lying but she cant say so without giving the game away. MARTIN: Yes! Thank you, Douglas! Thats perfect! (Sat comm on.) CAROLYN: Hello? MJN. MARTIN (smarmily): Hello, Carolyn, Martin here. CAROLYN: Ah, over the mountain now? Good. So, he nicked it, did he? MARTIN: No, no, he didnt. CAROLYN: I bet he did. MARTIN: By no means. Ive just been in to see Mr. Birling. He says to tell you how particularly nice the whiskey is this year. CAROLYN: Well! thats interesting. MARTIN: Are you surprised for some reason? CAROLYN: Im certainly surprised he got it. MARTIN: Are you? CAROLYN: And that Douglas didnt. MARTIN: No-no, Douglas definitely didnt, did you, Douglas? DOUGLAS: Alas, no. You were too clever for me, Carolyn. Rats. CAROLYN: Well! Well done, then, Martin. Youve earned your reward. Clever old you. MARTIN: Thank you! (Sat comm off.) DOUGLAS: Well played, Martin. MARTIN: Thank you. And thank you for helping me out. DOUGLAS: Oh, it was nothing. (Flight deck door opens.) MR. BIRLING: Ah, hello. Ive remembered my cufflinks. MARTIN: Mr. Birling, youre not really supposed to come up here. MR. BIRLING: Well, this is where you are and I need to speak to you regarding my cufflinks. DOUGLAS: What about your cufflinks?

MR. BIRLING: Ive just remembered them. Pearls, dear boy two beautiful pearls. A present from my awful wife before she was awful. DOUGLAS: Oh! MR. BIRLING: Yes. You see, she took away my money, she took away my cards, but she didnt take away my lovely pearl cufflinks. MARTIN: Well, maybe she just assumed youd never part with them. MR. BIRLING: Then more fool her, because thats just what Im going to do. Theyre worth a grand each, boys, easily, and Ill give you one apiece if you should happen to discover that you do, after all, have a bottle of Talisker which can come and watch the rugby with me for a bit until one of us ends up drunk by the other. MARTIN: Im sorry, Mr. Birling, but we really honestly dont MR. BIRLING: Im talking to the organ grinder, not the monkey. MARTIN: Im the organ grinder. DOUGLAS: Are you sure, Martin? The monkey tends to have the better hat. MARTIN: I am the organ grinder! And I have to tell you, Mr. Birling, that there is no Talisker. Weve all been the victims of a clever plot by Carolyn. Let me tell you the whole story. Carolyn knew that every year DOUGLAS (interrupting): Er, Martin, sorry to interrupt, but, um here you are, Mr. Birling. (Clink of a large bottle of alcohol.) MARTIN: What?! MR. BIRLING: A-ha! I thought as much! (He takes a swig.) MR. BIRLING: Mmm! Yes! Mmm! Thats the stuff! Here you are, you grubby little thief. Here you are, you clueless patsy. A pearl apiece. See you in two hours, full of rugby, song, and fine whiskey. (Flight deck door closes.) MARTIN (faint, breathless): You you stole the whiskey. DOUGLAS (mildly): Of course I did. I did tell you I would. MARTIN: You were in on it with Carolyn? DOUGLAS: No! She had nothing to do with it. It was Talisker when she tasted it. I just fed you that story to make you tell her I didnt steal it, but I did. MARTIN: How?! DOUGLAS: With this. MARTIN: The bottle of nail varnish?! DOUGLAS: Ah, but its not nail varnish. It just comes in a similar bottle which Ive re -labelled. What it is is a harmless but unpleasantly bitter-tasting clear substance you can buy from any chemist to put on your nails to stop you biting them. Of course, if you dont suffer that particular vice, there are other things you can do with it. For instance, when you go through the galley on the way to the loo, you can put a tiny drop on the bottom of each of the whiskey glasses just enough that any liquid poured into them becomes unpleasant tasting. Then, once Mr. Birling has rejected his glass of genuine Talisker as horrible and the bottle is written off as full of cheap whiskey and forgotten about, you can snaffle it at your leisure. MARTIN (groaning): Oh, no. Uh, well done. Very clever. Just a shame its gonna cost me a hundred quid, thats all. DOUGLAS: Sorry, Martin. I hate to say, I fold you crow, but I sold you dough. ARTHUR: But Douglas, theres one thing I still dont understand. DOUGLAS: Whats that, Arthur? ARTHUR: How did you do it?

SEASON 3 EPISODE 3: Newcastle

(Portacabin office door opens.) CAROLYN: Boys, weve just picked up an extra job. There shall be buns for tea. Wheres Martin? DOUGLAS: Hes not in yet. ARTHUR: Whats the job, Mum? CAROLYN: For Air Caledonian (in a Scottish accent) the wee Scottish airline. (Normal voice) One of their pilots has gone sick in Newcastle. They want us to fly out the covering crew. I do like flying other pilots! You dont have to hold back with them. DOUGLAS: Do you do much holding back with the passengers normally, then? CAROLYN: Of course I do! DOUGLAS: Good lord. ARTHUR: Mum, weve only got two pilots. What would we do if one of them went sick? CAROLYN: They wouldnt dare. ARTHUR: But what if they did? CAROLYN: Then Im sure wed think of something.

(Portacabin door opens.) CAROLYN: Ah, there you are, Martin. MARTIN (sounding very different because Benedict Cumberbatch was sick and so Tom Goodman-Hill stood in as Martin): Hullo, Carolyn. What have I missed? ARTHUR: Hi, Skip! Youre looking very well. MARTIN: Oh. Thank you, Arthur. ARTHUR: Dont you think, Douglas? DOUGLAS: Not specially. I think he looks exactly the same as always. This week, Newcastle! (Office door opens. A printer is running.) DOUGLAS: Hullo, Martin. Are the pilots here yet? MARTIN: Were the pilots, Douglas. DOUGLAS: Yes, but the proper pilots. MARTIN: Not yet, no. (The printer finishes running.) DOUGLAS: Ah, is that the flight plan? MARTIN: No, its mine. Leave it. DOUGLAS: Oh, Martin. Please dont tell me youve written a slim volume of verse! (He picks up the printed paper.) DOUGLAS: Oh. A c.v. MARTIN: Umm DOUGLAS: Goodness. Feeling the call of the Highlands, are we? Fancy ourselves in tartan epaulettes and a flying kilt? MARTIN: Theres nothing wrong with trying to advance ones career. DOUGLAS: Not at all! So, whats the plan? Fly them to Newcastle with such panache and lan that the captain feels compelled to recommend you to their Chief McPilot? MARTIN: Look, I know its a long shot, but if the captain and I should happen to hit it off, you never know. DOUGLAS: You never do. What flight time do you have from Fitton to Newcastle? MARTIN: Twenty-five minutes. DOUGLAS: Hmm. Lets hope hes the sort who makes friends quickly. CAROLYN (coming in): All right, look sharp. The pilots are here. MARTIN: We are the pilots. CAROLYN: I mean the proper pilots. MARTIN (angrily): Could everyone please stop calling them that?! (Portacabin door opens.) HERC (well-spoken English accent): Good morning. MJN Air? DOUGLAS: Herc! HERC: Douglas! (They promptly simultaneously go into what sounds like an old rugby or drinking chant.) MARTIN: Oh, terrific(!) HERC: How the devil are you? Not seen you since well, well, for a long time. But havent you done well for yourself? I see from your uniform youve become a Bolivian tank commander. DOUGLAS: Yes, its an exuberant little number, isnt it? And youre a Scotsman now, are you? HERC: Ah, you dont have to be Scottish to fly for a Scottish airline, you know? DOUGLAS: Dont you? Thats interesting, isnt it, Martin? Oh, Martin, this is Captain Herc Shipwright old friend of mine from Air England. MARTIN: Yes, I thought he might be. HERC: Martin, pleasure. Hope this lazy old sod doesnt work you too hard. MARTIN (tightly): Not really, no. Im the captain. HERC: Oh, gosh, so you are. Terribly sorry. So, Douglas, does that mean youre DOUGLAS (talking over him): And this is Carolyn. HERC: Charmed. Herc. CAROLYN: Herc? HERC: Thats it, yes, yes. Short for Hercules. Dad was rather eccentric. After the aircraft, though, rather than the hero. I find I never know if that makes it better or worse. CAROLYN: Do you have any brothers? HERC: Wellington and Harrier. CAROLYN: Sisters?

HERC: Sarah. He was eccentric, not mad. Youre the cabin crew, then, I take it. CAROLYN: I am the owner and the CEO. HERC: Oh gosh, are you? Well done! CAROLYN: What do you mean, Well done? HERC: I dont know. Nothing, really. CAROLYN: Well done for running a big scary company all by yourself, you clever little lady? HERC: No, no, absolutely not. No, just a general you know good for you. CAROLYN: I see. So youd still have said Well done if Id been an ugly middle-aged man in a suit, would you? HERC: The thought is inconceivable. So, its you I do the forms and what -not with, is it? CAROLYN: Yes. So please step into my office from where I administrate my airline. HERC: Right you are. Ah, heres my first officer. (Portacabin door opens.) HERC: I thought Id lost you. Chaps, this is Linda Fairbairn. Linda, these are some chaps. LINDA (Scottish accent): Hello. MARTIN: Oh! HERC: Back in a tick. (Carolyns office door closes.) LINDA: Oh? MARTIN: Oh how lovely to see you. LINDA: Have we met before? MARTIN: I dont think so, no. People havent usually met me before. LINDA: Sorry? MARTIN: I mean, theyve-theyve normally met Douglas before if theyve met anyone. I mean, obviously the people whove met me before have met me before, but there arent many of those because I-I havent met most people. DOUGLAS: Douglas Richardson. How lovely to meet you. LINDA: And you. Oh, is that your plane out there? DOUGLAS: That rather swish Gulfstream? Alas, no. You see the forlorn object facing it and thereby providing it with a rather grim memento mori? Thats GERTI. LINDA: Yes, thats what I meant. The Lockheed McDonnell 312. MARTIN: Oh! Yes, thats it! LINDA: Fantastic! I didnt realise there were any of those still flying. MARTIN: Well, there arent many. DOUGLAS: And those there are barely do. MARTIN: Thats very impressive, though. Not many people know what it is. DOUGLAS: Most people have to stop and think before saying, Aeroplane. LINDA: Well, I was a big plane spotter when I was a girl, so MARTIN: Really?! Me too! LINDA: What, when you were a girl?(!) MARTIN: What? No, no. Oh (He giggles inanely.) Yes, when I was a girl. No when I was a boy. I-I was never a girl. DOUGLAS: Yes. Good. To be absolutely clear. (Flight deck door opens) ARTHUR: Okay, chaps. Cabin cross-checked and ready for take-off. MARTIN: Thank you, Arthur and hows Captain Shipwright looking? Happy? Relaxed? ARTHUR: I wouldnt say relaxed. MARTIN: Oh? Why not? ARTHUR: Well, hes talking to Mum. MARTIN: Whys she still on board? I cant ask him for a job with her sitting there. Tell her to get off the plane. ARTHUR: Tell her to? MARTIN: Yes! ARTHUR: Mum? MARTIN: Yes! How hard can it be? ARTHUR: It can be impossible. MARTIN: Go! (Flight deck door closes.) DOUGLAS: Youre sure its Herc you want to speak to? MARTIN: What do you mean? DOUGLAS: Not First Officer Linda, the plane-spotting pride of Penicuik? MARTIN: Well, she cant recommend me, can she? Shes only my age; shes hardly going to know the Chief

Pilot. DOUGLAS: She is about your age, yes, and rather nice, I thought. MARTIN: Why, dyou think dyou think she DOUGLAS: So, by the time we land in Newcastle, youd ideally like a job recommendation from one of our passengers and a date from the other. MARTIN: Thats not really feasible, is it? DOUGLAS: Its an ambitious programme, certainly. HERC: All right, I admit it: I said, Good for you, because youre a woman. CAROLYN: Ha! HERC: Because youre clearly doing a fine job in what is, unfortunately, a male-dominated profession. CAROLYN: Well now youre changing the terms of the argument. HERC: Yes, I am. CAROLYN: And youre still wrong. ARTHUR: Er, Mum? Captain says to tell you were leaving now. CAROLYN: Right. Thank you. ARTHUR: Yes. CAROLYN: Anything else? ARTHUR: No, well, just, um, if youre gonna get off, you should probably get off. CAROLYN: Im not going anywhere. ARTHUR: Well, you sort of will, uh, because by not going anywhere, you will go to Newcastle, if you see what I mean. CAROLYN: All right, then, Ill go to Newcastle. ARTHUR: Yeah, fine. Um, only I think the skippers done the weight calculations based on five people and CAROLYN: Arthur. If you are about to suggest my weight is going to make us too heavy to take off, very bad things will happen to you. DOUGLAS: Post take-off checks complete. MARTIN: Thank you. DOUGLAS: Which means today the pre-landing checks pretty much about to start. MARTIN: Right. Okay, I think Ive decided. Im going to concentrate on getting Herc alone and giving him my c.v. DOUGLAS: Awwww. MARTIN: What? Dyou think thats the wrong decision? DOUGLAS: No, I think its probably the right one. Im just an old romantic. (Theres a knock on the door.) DOUGLAS: Come in. (Flight deck door opens.) LINDA: Hello, sorry to intrude. Its the conversation back there was getting a little heated. MARTIN: Oh no, youre welcome. Its lovely to see you and very nice to see you. LINDA: Thank you, Martin. MARTIN: So, Linda, youre a pilot. LINDA: Yes. MARTIN: Yes, obviously. Sorry. That wasnt a question. That was just a preliminary statement before the actual question that I was going to ask, which is: how long have you been a pilot? LINDA: Twelve years. MARTIN: Twelve years, right. Twelve years. Well, thats not a long time or a short time. Umm, do you like it? LINDA: What? MARTIN: Being a pilot. LINDA: Yes, I do. Do you? MARTIN: Yes, I do. I like it, like you. I mean, I like it like you do, not I like it like I like you. I dont like you. I mean, I dont not like you, I just, I dont like you as much as I like being a pilot. LINDA: Dont you? MARTIN: Well, not yet. I mean, Im sure if I got to know you, Id like you more than being well, probably not more than, because I love being a pilot and I dont suppose Id love you well, I suppose I might no, I mean, Im just gonna go and have a wander down the cabin now. (He leaves the flight deck.) LINDA: Is he always like that? DOUGLAS: No. Hes not terribly good at talking to other pilots, Im afraid. LINDA: Oh. I thought it was because I was a woman.

DOUGLAS: And hes atrocious at talking to women, so Im afraid you represent something of a Perfect Storm. (Galley curtain is pulled back.) MARTIN: Arthur! ARTHUR: Oh, hello, Skip! Have you come to talk to me? MARTIN: No. ARTHUR: Okay. MARTIN: Ive come to talk to Captain Shipwright. ARTHUR: Oh, right. Well, hes just, uh, through there MARTIN: I know where he is, but hes still talking to your mum. I want you to go and get her, bring her back here. ARTHUR: How? MARTIN: Just tell her you need to speak to her in the galley. ARTHUR: Why? MARTIN: It doesnt matter! Anything! Just make something up! ARTHUR: Okay! CAROLYN: because the sexism inherent in the whole aviation industry is now so institutio nalised, we falsely imagine it must be justified thats why. HERC: I know! Thats what I was saying, hence Well done! CAROLYN: Yes! ARTHUR: Er, could I have a word? CAROLYN: Arthur, I am busy. ARTHUR: Yeah, but theres a problem in the galley. Can you come and have a look? CAROLYN: Sort it out for yourself, Arthur. I wasnt even supposed to be on this flight, remember? ARTHUR: Yeah. Still, since you are here, I think its something you should take a look at. CAROLYN: Well, what is it? ARTHUR: Its hard to describe. Come and have a look. CAROLYN: Just tell me! You can say it in front of Herc hes not a real passenger. ARTHUR: Right. Well. Its a fire. HERC: A fire? ARTHUR: Only a little fire. MARTIN (hurrying over): Ah, hello, hello again, Herc. I dont suppose its a fire, is it, Arthur? HERC: He says its a fire. MARTIN: No he doesnt. ARTHUR: No I dont. MARTIN: See? ARTHUR: No, not a fire. I didnt mean a fire. MARTIN: Course he didnt. HERC: Well, what did you mean? ARTHUR: Just smoke. MARTIN: No. HERC: Smoke? Where from? ARTHUR: Im not sure. MARTIN: From something youve cooked, probably. Explicable smoke from cooking. ARTHUR: Yes, thats right, yes. CAROLYN: Youre not cooking anything, Arthur. ARTHUR (desperately): Im not cooking anything, Skip. MARTIN: Right. HERC: So, Captain, I imagine youll be wanting to land immediately. MARTIN: Umm HERC: I mean, Im not wanting to tell you your job, Captain, but obviously this counts as an emergency and you need to land now. MARTIN (unhappily): Yes I do. (In an echoing hangar) EDDIE (Birmingham accent): Right, then. Mornin all. Welcome to Birmingham. Nice of you to drop in. Im Eddie, Chief Engineer. Now, Captain Ive ad a look round HERC: Actually, Im merely a passenger on this flight. EDDIE: Oh, sorry. Ive ad a look round, Captain DOUGLAS: Youre getting warmer, but no.

EDDIE: Bloody ell. Someone give me a clue then. MARTIN: Oh, for goodness sake, its me! Look at my arm! Look at my hat! EDDIE: Very nice. So, Captain, Ive ad as I may have said a look round and theres absolutely nothing wrong at all. Well, I say that theres about a dozen things wrong, but nothing thatd cause smoke in the galley. DOUGLAS: Just one of lifes mysteries, then: the self -igniting and -extinguishing galley. Perhaps well never know its secrets. CAROLYN: All right, can we just get back up in the air, please? DOUGLAS: Maybe it was the ghost of some of Arthurs cruelly-burned toast. MARTIN: Yes, if youd all like to get back on board DOUGLAS: No takers for the ghost toast? Shame. MARTIN: Er, Linda, this way. LINDA: Yeah, I just wanted to ask Eddie, though: sorry, what did you mean, a dozen things wrong? EDDIE: Well, look at it. Its only gaffer tape and hope keeping it together. MARTIN: Er, actually, this is a perfectly airworthy craft. There may be a few superficial cosmetic snags, but I conduct a meticulous walk-round before every flight. EDDIE: Oh yeah? Wheres your tail navigation light, then? Or doesnt your meticulous walk -round extend to looking up? MARTIN: It Oh. Well, Im sure it was fine when we left. I would have noticed. The bulb must have blown while we were in the air. EDDIE: Probably, yeah. ow long was that, again? Seven minutes, did you say? MARTIN: Well, then, youd better replace it, hadnt you? EDDIE: Eh? MARTIN: Youve identified a fault on my aircraft. Thank you. Now, naturally, I expect you to make it good. LINDA: Martin, dyou not think wed be better off getting under way? EDDIE: Its a light, Captain, a little twinkly light so no-one flies into the back of you in the dark. I reckon you can risk going without it at midday. MARTIN: We might be delayed. It might get dark. EDDIE: Youre flying from Birmingham to Newcastle. Which way round the globe are you plannin on goi ng? MARTIN (getting on his high horse): Look, I happen to be the commander of this vessel, and if you want me to sign off your tech log, we will do this please by the book. EDDIE: All right then, Commander. By the book it shall be. MARTIN: Thank you. EDDIE: So the first thing well need is a cherry picker. MARTIN: What? What for? EDDIE: To reach the tail light. MARTIN: But its right here! You can reach it! You only need a stepladder! EDDIE: A stepladder, Commander?! Oh, you daredevil! No, no, the book specifically forbids the use of the dreaded stepladder or as its better known round ere the widow-maker. What we will be requiring is a cherry picker and, of course, a safety harness, hard hat and high-vis vest. See you in an hour or so. (He walks away.) MARTIN: Right. Still, I think the principle was was worth (He falls silent.) (Bing-bong.) MARTIN (over cabin address): Er, hello, chaps. Um, just to say everythings absolutely under control but the ground engineer and I did, er, at the last minute, jointly notice a minor performance defect which hes going to put right now. So, we should be taking off in about an hour. CAROLYN (yelling from the cabin): Martin! What have you done now?! MARTIN (over cabin address): So sorry about the delay which is not, incidentally, because of anything Ive done now. CAROLYN: Im sorry about this, Herc. HERC: No, not to worry. Weve still got two hours in hand. ARTHUR: Brilliant! I love take-off delays! DOUGLAS: Oh, Arthur, please! Even you cannot love take-off delays! CAROLYN (wearily): No, he does. ARTHUR: Yeah. Yeah, because take-offs the best bit of the whole flight, isnt it, and normally its over before you can enjoy it, whereas this way we get to really build up to it! Right, Im gonna get some tea s and coffees on and er, Mum? CAROLYN: What? ARTHUR: Its gonna be an hour. Can we open the games cupboard?

(In the hangar) MARTIN: Hello, Linda. Ive, er, Ive appraised them of the situation. Is Eddie back yet? LINDA: No. MARTIN: Oh. Right. So, Linda, apart from being a pilot, are you anything else? I mean, do you do anything else, or do you like anything? LINDA: Do I like anything? Er, well, Im a rally driver, if thats the sort of thing you mean. MARTIN: Oh, right! Wow! How exciting! Rally driving. Thats amazing! Gosh! So many questions. (He pulls in a deep breath.) Um, for instance, do you do it by yourself or with your I dunno if you have if you have a LINDA: a navigator, yes. MARTIN: Right, yes. And do you drive or does he ? LINDA: Well, because Im the driver and Sams the navigator, I tend to do the driving. MARTIN: Oh, yes, of course, silly of me! And Sam is he your I mean, is he also ? LINDA: Well, for a start, shes a woman. MARTIN: Oh, right. Oh, I see. Im sorry. Of course. LINDA: What do you mean of course? MARTIN: I dont mean anything. LINDA: Are you assuming that because Im a pilot and a rally driver that I must be a lesbian? MARTIN: No! Im not assuming that! I hope youre not! LINDA: You hope Im not?! MARTIN: I mean, not because its bad. Its not! Lesbians are great! I just meant, I hope youre not for my sake. No, not my sake! I mean for all mens sake. No, thats worse. God. LINDA: Lets just change the subject. MARTIN: Yes. Um, so how did you come to join Caledonian? LINDA (furiously): Oh for goodness sake! Because I was the best candidate for the job, okay? My father deliberately didnt sit on the panel and I applied under my mothers maiden name. MARTIN: What? LINDA: Well, youre insinuating I only got the job because my dad is Chief Pilot, arent you? MARTIN: No! No, not at all. I didnt I didnt I didnt even know. Your dads the Chief Pilot? Of Caledonian? LINDA: Yes! So what? It doesnt matter! MARTIN: No! Not in the least. Thats a totally, totally un-mattering thing. (In the cabin) CAROLYN: So, the deal is that I pay you three hundred and sixty-two pounds now HERC: Yes. CAROLYN: plus you dont pay any rent next time you land on any of my greens, my yellows excluding Leicester Square or Park Lane unless Ive built a hotel on it, unless you mortgage something, unless its a station. HERC: Unless its Kings Cross. CAROLYN: Yes. Well, that seems straightforward enough. Deal. DOUGLAS: I must say, Herc, Monopolys a very different game with you than it is with Arthur. ARTHUR (indignantly): Hey! DOUGLAS: Arthurs strategy tends to be pretty ruthlessly focussed on getting Marylebone and Covent Garden because those are the ones hes been to. CAROLYN: He also once did a deal whereby he gave Martin Mayfair so long as he was also allowed to give him the Electric Company. ARTHUR: Well, I kept having to times things by four. Thats not fun, thats maths! (In the hangar) EDDIE (unnecessarily loudly): All right, Ive made it! Im up here! (Sarcastically) Can you hear me down there, Commander? MARTIN (flatly): Yes. EDDIE: All right. Safety visor on, noise cancelling headphones on. Stand by, Commander! Im now about to commence the operation! MARTIN: Right. EDDIE: And (He screws the bulb round five times, takes it out, and screws the new one round five times to fit it into its socket.) EDDIE: And there we are! One brand new navigation tail light shining like a beacon! And now let the descent begin! (Warning beep.)

AUTOMATED VOICE: Caution. Cage about to descend. (Warning beep.) AUTOMATED VOICE: Caution. Cage about to descend. EDDIE: And away we go! (The cherry picker whirrs for about a second.) EDDIE: Ah, thats better. I cant stand heights. MARTIN: Fine. Have you had your fun now? EDDIE: You wanted the book you got the book. Are you happy to sign off the tech log now? MARTIN: Yes. (He scribbles his signature.) MARTIN: Right. And now thats done, let me just say this: people like you love to mock doing it by the book, but one of these days you might just find yourself on a plane when something goes wrong and then youll be jolly glad that there is a book and that there are people like me who do it by it. EDDIE: Oh yes? MARTIN: Yes, actually. Goodbye. EDDIE: Of course, I havent signed the tech log yet. MARTIN: Oh. EDDIE: When did you last check the radios? MARTIN: This morning. EDDIE: What, all two hundred and fifty-six channels? MARTIN: No, of course not. EDDIE: Right. This aircraft is grounded. MARTIN: What?! No! EDDIE: What can I say? Youve shown me the error of my ways. DOUGLAS: All right, Arthur, for a cheese: according to Jean Paul Sartre, what is hell? ARTHUR (thoughtfully): Hmm. Right. Jean Paul Sartre. What would he have said? HERC: Are you familiar with Jean Paul Sartre, Arthur? ARTHUR: Of course I am. I think hed have said that hell is something like when the baddies are in a concrete bunker and youre out of grenades. CAROLYN: Dear heart, are you by any chance thinking of Jean Claude Van Damme? ARTHUR: I might be, yes. DOUGLAS: Sorry, Arthur. Hell is other people. ARTHUR: What?! Thats just stupid! Other people are great! DOUGLAS: Id love to have seen you and Sartre go head to head on that one. CAROLYN: My go. (She rolls the dice.) CAROLYN: Ah, Art and Lit, please, Herc. HERC: Oh dear (he laughs) this is terribly easy. Which Bizet opera features the Toreador Song? DOUGLAS (laughing in agreement): Oh dear! CAROLYN: I havent the least idea. (Herc laughs again.) CAROLYN: Is there something amusing you, Captain Hercules? HERC: Oh. You really dont know? CAROLYN: No, I really dont know. Tosca? DOUGLAS: Carolyn! Thats Puccini! CAROLYN: Take your word for it. HERC: Oh, Carolyn, youre not gonna tell me you dont like opera? CAROLYN: Well, whats the point of it? It does two things badly. If I want a story, I go to see a play. If I want to hear music, I go to a concert. ARTHUR: Do you, Mum? When? CAROLYN: Shut up, Arthur. What I have no use for is a ridiculous story sung at me by actors who cant act in a language I dont speak for four and a half hours. HERC: Oh, what utter nonsense. Well-sung opera is the pinnacle of human endeavour. CAROLYN: Oh, rot! HERC (singing grandly): Torador, Torador DOUGLAS (joining in with him): Torador, Torador (They continue singing.) CAROLYN: Yes, Arthur, the answer was wrong. Hell is being trapped in a grounded aircraft with two middleaged pilots (her voice rises) singing Puccini at you! DOUGLAS and HERC (simultaneously): Its not Puccini! CAROLYN (yelling): I dont care!

EDDIE: Channel thirty-two. Golf Tango India radio check. BIRMINGHAM ATC: Strength five. MARTIN: So, Eddie, how are you getting on? EDDIE: The first thirty-two are clear as a bell, Commander. The next two hundred and twenty-four who can say? (Flight deck door opens) HERC: Hello there. Eddie, is it? Im Herc, the other captain. I gather youre very kindly checking the comms for us, yes? EDDIE: Thats right. Gotta do it by the book for the commander here. HERC: Oh, oh golly, yes. Cross the is and dot the ts couldnt agree more. No, I just wondered if you fancy a little bet. Youve got two hundred and fifty-six channels to check. I bet you fifty quid I know which one youre on. EDDIE: Thats pretty long odds, isnt it? And how will you know Im tellin th e truth? HERC: Oh, my dear chap, I trust you implicitly. Because, you see, my guess on which Im betting this fifty pound note is that out of the two hundred and fifty-six channels, youre on channel two hundred and fiftyfive. EDDIE: Oh, I see. Well, very close, Captain, but as it appens, I was on two hundred and fifty-six! HERC (insincerely): Oh, curse my terrible luck. Here you go. EDDIE: Much obliged. Okay, youre good to go. DOUGLAS: And on stand at two thirty-two. MARTIN: Right. (Bing-bong.) MARTIN (into cabin address): Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Newcastle. I do apologise for our delay today and I hope youve nonetheless enjoyed your flight. And could First Officer Fairbairn step into the flight deck for a moment? DOUGLAS: Oooh! Youre going to ask her? MARTIN: Yes. DOUGLAS: For a date, or to take your c.v.? MARTIN: None of your business. DOUGLAS: Fair enough. Well, good luck. MARTIN: Were you planning to just sit there? I mean, I can ask Arthur to get you some popcorn. DOUGLAS: Right. No. (He leaves as Linda comes in.) LINDA: You wanted to see me? MARTIN: Yes, I-I did. I just wanted to say to you that if, some time, I mean, in the future, well obviously in the future, if you felt like Linda, would you like to go to Duxford Air Museum with me? LINDA: Oh, I am so pleased you said that, Martin. MARTIN: Are you?! LINDA: Yes! Oh God, no, sorry I dont want to go out with you. Sorry. I should have said that first. I mean, no offence, but no. MARTIN: Right. So when you say youre so pleased I said it LINDA: No, I meant Im so pleased that you said that. I could see there was something and forgive me, but I had this awful feeling that you were gonna pull out a c.v. for me to give to Dad! (She laughs. Martin joins in falsely.) MARTIN: Oh, no, I wasnt going to do that. LINDA: No, of course not. Im sorry, but people do, though, and Oh, Ive been thinking the worst of you all this time. Forgive me? MARTIN: Of course! (In a mock-teasing voice) Maybe I should give you my c.v. now! LINDA (laughing): There you are you see, youre funny! I had a feeling that you would be if you just relaxed. MARTIN: So might you, after all ? LINDA (interrupting): No. I think you relaxed because I said no, and I think youre probably right about that. HERC: Well, cheerio, Douglas. Jolly good to see you. DOUGLAS: Yes, and you. HERC: Hope to bump into you again soon. DOUGLAS: Well, funny you should say that. I was rather toying with the idea of, er, well, stretching my wings a little. HERC: Oh? DOUGLAS: Yes. I wondered if it was time to be thinking about a move to a slightly bigger airline with

aeroplanes in the plural. I mean, even Caledonian mightnt be a bad HERC: Oh, I wouldnt do that. DOUGLAS: Really? HERC: Goodness me, no, no. No, youd find it deadly dull after all the excitement of charter life, nipping round the world like a sports car rather than lumbering about in a big old bus like us poor chaps. No, I envy you. DOUGLAS: But if hypothetically I were to ask HERC: Ah, but you wouldnt ask, would you? DOUGLAS: No. (Grimly) As you say, Im very happy where I am. HERC (signing something off): And done. Well, thank you very much, Carolyn, for a far more entertaining trip than I had any right to expect. CAROLYN: Our pleasure. Lovely to meet you. Goodbye. HERC: Oh, and, er, Carolyn? CAROLYN: Yes? HERC: I cant tell you how wrong you are about opera. CAROLYN: Oh, come on, weve already had that argument, and Ive already devastatingly won it. HERC: I dont think so, and I thought perhaps Id prove it to you. Theres a rather super Rigoletto at Covent Garden at the moment. I dont believe its humanly possible to see it and still dislike opera. Why dont you come along? CAROLYN: With you? HERC: Yes. CAROLYN (after a long pause): I think not. HERC: Oh, all right. May I ask why? CAROLYN: Because I hate opera, as you know. HERC: Fair enough. Just a suggestion. Cheerio. CAROLYN: Er, what I like is walking. I often walk my dog, for instance, on Brinkley Chase near Fitton, and then sometimes I have lunch in a pub. HERC: Well, now youre redefining the terms of the argument. CAROLYN: Yes, I am. HERC: All right, then, hows Thursday? CAROLYN: Ill let you know. Bye. (She walks away.) HERC (to himself): Jolly good! Now, I wonder if, er (Footsteps approach.) HERC: Ah, you got my message. Excellent. Well, listen: I just wanted to get you on your own for a moment to tell you I was very impressed today by the way you handled our little stopover, and by your attitude generally. So, look, heres my card. If you ever fancy slinging your c.v. over to Caledonian, Ill make sure youre on the top of the pile. ARTHUR: Gosh! Well, thats very kind of you, Herc, but to be honest, Im really happy here!

SEASON 3 EPISODE 4: Ottery St Mary

This week, Ottery St Mary! (Flight deck door opens.) ARTHUR: Here we are, chaps er, chap. Coffee for you, Douglas, and coffee for you to maybe have a bit later on, Douglas. DOUGLAS: Did you by any chance forget Martin wasnt flying today, Arthur? ARTHUR: No, I didnt, actually. Its just, I only know the amounts to make coffee for two people. DOUGLAS: You could just have made half what you usually make. ARTHUR: Well, I couldnt because Id only know what to make half of once Id made it, and once Id made it, Id made it. DOUGLAS: Oh well, fair enough, then. I didnt realise youd addressed the problem scientifically. (The sat comm bleeps.) DOUGLAS (into sat comm): Hello? Starbucks, Irish Sea. MARTIN (over sat comm): Douglas, its Martin. DOUGLAS: Hullo there. Enjoying your day off? MARTIN: No. Douglas, how long til you land? DOUGLAS: About half an hour. Why? MARTIN: Great. Is Arthur there? DOUGLAS: Well, not all there.

ARTHUR: Hello, Skip! This is weird, isnt it? Cause normally when Im here listening to someone on sat comm, youre here too listening to them, only now youre there where they are and Im here where you usually are andwhere I usually am and am now, talking to you! DOUGLAS: You find Arthur in philosophical mood, Captain. MARTIN: Arthur, I need you to help me. ARTHUR: Brilliant! I love helping. MARTIN: Well, this is a big help a very big help. ARTHUR: No problem, Skip. I am a very big helper. MARTIN: Well, Arthur Um, Douglas, are you still listening? DOUGLAS: I dont have an enormous amount of choice, Martin. MARTIN: Cant you put your fingers in your ears? DOUGLAS: Well, heaven knows Im not generally a stickler for safety procedures, but Im not certain thats a good idea whilst flying an aeroplane. MARTIN (tetchily): Fine. (He sighs.) Arthur, Im at Fitton Hospital. ARTHUR: On no! Are you all right? MARTIN: No. Ive sprained my ankle. DOUGLAS: Oh dear. How did you do that? MARTIN: I was it doesnt matter how. DOUGLAS: Mmmmmartin? MARTIN (defensively): Look, its a perfectly valid tool when teaching best safety prac tice to demonstrate the wrong way as well as the right way. DOUGLAS: You twisted your ankle whilst teaching someone how not to twist their ankle? MARTIN: Anyway. Arthur, you know how although Im mostly a pilot Im also a bit of a Man with a Van? ARTHUR: Yeah. MARTIN: Well, today right now, actually Im supposed to be picking up a piano in Fitton and delivering it to a pub in Devon. ARTHUR: Wouldnt have thought you could do that with a sprained ankle. MARTIN: No, Arthur, I cant. This is where the you helping me part comes in. My van is at the airfield and the addresses and the spare van keys are in my pigeonhole. DOUGLAS: Spare Van Keys didnt we fly him to Amsterdam once? MARTIN: Douglas, shush. Arthur, when you land, do you think that you c ould (he hesitates momentarily) cou-cou-could you pick them up, find my van, pick me up at the hospital, drive me to Fitton, load a piano and then (he takes a long breath) drive me to Ottery St Mary? ARTHUR (nonchalantly): Yeah, no problem. All right, bye. DOUGLAS: Really, Martin? Arthur? Is this wise? ARTHUR (indignantly): Hey! MARTIN: I-I know, I know! But I dont have a choice. ARTHUR: Double hey! I can do it! DOUGLAS: Would it be worse for you to cancel the job, or to rely on Arthur Arthur to pick up and drive a piano a piano two hundred miles in a van a van? ARTHUR: Why shouldnt I? DOUGLAS: Because, Arthur, youre a clot. ARTHUR (indignantly): Im not a clot! Whats a clot? DOUGLAS: Well, you know the way that you are and the things that you do? ARTHUR: Yeah. DOUGLAS: Those are the ways of a clot. MARTIN: Douglas, youre forgetting: Ill be there with him the while time, supervising. DOUGLAS: Oh, then, what can possibly go wrong?(!) MARTIN: Yeah, but theres no-one else to ask! DOUGLAS: No-one? MARTIN: No. (Douglas clears his throat pointedly.) MARTIN: Really?! Would you? DOUGLAS: Well, Ive nothing else to do today and its always useful to have someone owe you a colossal favour. (Martin grunts.) ARTHUR: But I can still come, right? DOUGLAS: Of course! MARTIN: Er, really, Douglas? DOUGLAS: Oh yes! I see my role as very much a managerial one with perhaps a little light driving. If you

want actual piano-shoving done, well need a piano-shover. ARTHUR: Brilliant! (Portacabins office door opens.) CAROLYN: Ah, yes? Oh, hello, you two. ARTHUR: Hi, Mum. Er, GERTIs all hoovered and locked up, so can I go to Devon? CAROLYN: Devon? ARTHUR: Yeah. Er, Martin and Douglas are taking a piano to somewhere called er, what was it um Weasels King Henry? Hedgehog OBrien? DOUGLAS: Ottery St Mary. ARTHUR: Yeah and theyve said I can come too. Can I go, Mum? CAROLYN: Arthur, you are twenty-nine years old. You dont need my permission to go to Devon. ARTHUR: Is that a yes? CAROLYN: Yes! ARTHUR: You wont be bored all day without me? CAROLYN: Ill struggle through. DOUGLAS: Excellent! All right, then, Arthur you get the keys and addresses; Ill seek out the van. (Office door closes. Carolyn picks up the phone and dials.) HERC (answering at the other end): Hello? Herc Shipwright. CAROLYN: Ah, Herc. Its Carolyn Knapp-Shappey here. Are you still free today? HERC: Oh, hello. Yes, I am. CAROLYN: Yes, well, to my great disappointment, various better offers have fallen through and I am, in fact, reluctantly available for that lunch and dog walk you were nagging me about. MARTIN: Yes, this is it The Laurels. (The doorbell is rung.) MARTIN: Now let me do the talking, all right? DOUGLAS: Of course. ARTHUR: Right-o. (The door is opened.) LADY: Hello. DOUGLAS: Good morning, madam. I am Doug, this is Mart and Arth. We are your Man with a Van or, rather, Men with a Ven. MARTIN: Hello. I-Im sorry, ignore him. Im Martin Crieff. Were from Icarus Removals. LADY: Oh, right, youre here for the piano. DOUGLAS: Icarus? MARTIN: Yes, thats right. DOUGLAS: You do know what happened to Icarus, dont you? LADY: Its in here. Wipe your feet. MARTIN: Thank you very much. (Hissing to Douglas) Of course I do! (The door shuts behind them as they go in.) DOUGLAS: So youve deliberately named your company after the first bad pilot in history? MARTIN (through gritted teeth): Shut up! LADY: Here it is. DOUGLAS: A-ha! (He plays a dramatic flourish on the piano.) DOUGLAS: Ah, not bad. Shell be wasted in a pub. ARTHUR: Wow! Douglas, thats amazing! Ooh, now do Those Magnificent Men in their Flying Machines ! DOUGLAS: Absolutely not. ARTHUR: Oh, but its my favourite! DOUGLAS: Anyway, I dont know how it goes. ARTHUR: Yeah, you must do! Umm (He sings tunelessly) Up, down, flying around! Looping the loop and defying (he snatches a breath) the ground! DOUGLAS: If anything, I now know how it goes even less. But I can do you a little Chopin. (He begins to play a perfect rendition of Chopins Nocturne Op. 9 No. 2) MARTIN: Yes, thank you, Douglas. This lady wants us to move it, not show off on it. LADY: Oh, I dont mind. Isnt he good? DOUGLAS (continuing to play): Youre too kind. MARTIN: Actually, were on rather a tight schedule. DOUGLAS: Yes. Seven hours to drive two hundred miles. Every second counts. MARTIN: Douglas, please. DOUGLAS: Certainly, Icarus.

(He deliberately plays a mis-chord, then stops.) DOUGLAS: All right, Arthur, snap to it. Arthur provides the brawn of our little operation, madam. I you may not be entirely surprised to learn am the brains. LADY: He doesnt look very brawny. DOUGLAS: True, but thats nothing compared to how much hes not brainy. ARTHUR: Hey! LADY: And whats he for? DOUGLAS: Martin? Ah, Martin here has perhaps the most important thing of all. LADY: Whats that? DOUGLAS: A van. (A doorbell rings, then the door is opened) HERC: Hello, Carolyn. CAROLYN: Oh, there you are. Youre late. HERC: We didnt set a time. CAROLYN: Youre later than I imagined youd be. HERC: Then you clearly dont have a very vivid imagination. (Carolyns dog starts yapping.) CAROLYN (crooning): Hello, darling. Did you hear the silly late man? HERC: Oh, hello. What a ridiculous dog. CAROLYN: Im sorry? HERC: I said you have a ridiculous dog. CAROLYN: My dog is not ridiculous. HERC: Then whose dog is this? (To the dog) Hello there. (To Carolyn) What is she? CAROLYN: She is a cockerpoo. HERC: Oh! A cockerpoo. Obviously Id never have called her ridiculous had I known she was a cockerpoo(!) CAROLYN: It is a cross between a poodle and a HERC: cockatoo? CAROLYN: A cocker spaniel. And shes not ridiculous. She happens to be a noble and faithful hound. HERC: Mmm-hmm. Whats she called? CAROLYN: Doesnt matter. HERC: What? CAROLYN: Her name is not important. Right I thought wed have lunch first, then walk after. HERC: Oh. Id rather walk first, work up an appetite. CAROLYN: Fine. Ill see you when you finally get to the pub then. Ill be the one looking full. DOUGLAS (closing the van door): All right. Are we ready to go? MARTIN: Yes. ARTHUR: Yep. DOUGLAS: Jolly good. Pre-driving to Devon checklist, Captain? Doors? MARTIN: Closed. DOUGLAS: Seatbelts? MARTIN: On. DOUGLAS: Piano? MARTIN: Checked. DOUGLAS: Piano? ARTHUR: Cross-checked. DOUGLAS: Jellybabies? (Sound of a bag of sweets being tugged open.) MARTIN: Jellybabies to manual. DOUGLAS: Excellent! Then off we go. (He starts the van and pulls away.) MARTIN: I, um, I-I would have helped with the loading, you know, but its only this, this ankle is DOUGLAS: Its quite all right. We managed. MARTIN: Im impressed you got the owner to do so much of the lifting. DOUGLAS: Yes, she had a sort of wiry strength for her age. ARTHUR: I didnt know you could play the piano, Douglas. DOUGLAS: Well, you remember that time when there was that thing you didnt know whether or not I could do, and then it turned out that I couldnt? ARTHUR: No. DOUGLAS: No, nor do I. (They drive on for a moment, then Martin hisses in a panicked breath through his teeth and whimpers.)

DOUGLAS: What? MARTIN: Er, nothing. Its just, uh, a bit close to that Volvo. DOUGLAS (reprovingly): Martin! MARTIN: No, no, no, dont bite my head off but the vans probably wider than youre used to driving. DOUGLAS: I am used to driving an aeroplane. MARTIN: Not on the A46. (Silence for a moment.) ARTHUR: Yellow car. DOUGLAS: What? ARTHUR: Nothing. Just yellow car. MARTIN: Why did you say yellow car? ARTHUR: There was a yellow car. MARTIN: But why did you say yellow car? ARTHUR: Youve got to say yellow car when theres a yellow car. MARTIN: Why? ARTHUR: Thats how you play Yellow Car. MARTIN: Im not playing Yellow Car. ARTHUR: Youre always playing Yellow Car. DOUGLAS: And how though I fear I can guess does one play Yellow Car? ARTHUR: Right, well, imagine youre driving along MARTIN: We are driving along. ARTHUR: Oh yeah. Okay, so now you look at the cars as they come along in the other direction and theyre all different colours, so, for instance, now, er, that ones white; that ones blue; that ones a sort of metallygrey DOUGLAS: and when you see a yellow car, you say, Yellow car. ARTHUR (indignantly): How did you know?! DOUGLAS: A wild stab in the dark. MARTIN: And then what? ARTHUR: You start again. DOUGLAS: So how does it end, this game? ARTHUR: It never ends. DOUGLAS: Thats very much what I feared. WAITRESS: Are you ready to order? HERC: Yes, I think so. Ill, um, Ill have the mushroom and aubergine risotto. CAROLYN: Eugh! HERC: What do you mean, Eugh? CAROLYN: Well, youve seen they have proper food here as well. HERC: Nevertheless WAITRESS: Any starter? HERC: Greek salad, please. CAROLYN: Oh, dont tell me youre a vegetarian? HERC: I will tell you that because I am one. WAITRESS: And for you, madam? CAROLYN: Thats very disappointing. Why on earth ? HERC: Carolyn, all through human history, weve been wrong about equality and we thought we were right. All men are equal, except slaves, obviously. Oh, no, wait all men are equal except black ones, obviously. No! No, wait all people are equal except women, obviously. Look, are you not at all curious about what were still getting wrong? And dont you think theres a good chance its All lives are equal except animals, obviously? CAROLYN: Thats an eloquent argument. HERC: Thank you. CAROLYN: I mean, its childish, specious, and the bit where you compare animal rights with universal suffrage is frankly offensive, but its superficially eloquent. WAITRESS: Shall I come back? CAROLYN: No-no-no. No, Im ready. Ill have the rack of lamb. WAITRESS: And to start? CAROLYN: The whitebait. WAITRESS: Certainly. CAROLYN: Um, out of interest, about how many whitebait do you get in a serving? WAITRESS: About thirty, madam. CAROLYN: Gosh, imagine that: thirty little lives on a plate. Yum yum.

MARTIN: Okay: so as long as we average at least eleven miles an hour, we should get to Ottery St Mary by six. DOUGLAS: Well, its a punishing pace but I think Im up to it. ARTHUR: Whys it called that, then, Skip? MARTIN: What? ARTHUR: Ottery St Mary. MARTIN: Ive no idea. ARTHUR: Do you know, Douglas? DOUGLAS: Yes. MARTIN: Do you? DOUGLAS: Certainly I do. You see, St Mary is the patron saint of Devon and she, of course, was famously martyred by being eaten alive by otters. ARTHUR: Really? DOUGLAS: Oh yes rabid otters. So shes always portrayed in pictures absolutely covered in otters. ARTHUR: What, eating her? DOUGLAS: Sometimes, in the more fire and brimstone churches. Elsewhere, the assumption is theyre all in heaven now and have made up, so theyre just shown milling about her, nuzzling her affectionately and offering her ottery kisses and gifts of haddock. MARTIN: Douglas ARTHUR: Why would the otters go to heaven if they ate a saint? DOUGLAS: Youve put your finger, Arthur, as is so often your way, on the crux of a thorny theological problem. So far, our best guess is simply that St Peters got a real soft spot for otters. He looks into those whiskery faces and goes (in an affectionate voice) You guys! I cant stay mad at you! and lets them into heaven. ARTHUR: So heaven is full of otters! DOUGLAS: More than you can possibly imagine. MARTIN: So, in your case, Arthur, probably be about twelve. ARTHUR: Hey, I can imagine loads of otters! DOUGLAS: Really? How many? ARTHUR: A million! DOUGLAS: You see, I dont think you can. I dont think anyone can. ARTHUR: I can. Im doing it now! (Long pause.) ARTHUR: Wow! DOUGLAS: No, youre just imagining a lot of otters and then saying thats a million. I dont think anyone can actually genuinely imagine more than about twenty otters at a time. MARTIN: Oh, come on. I mean, I can definitely imagine a hundred otters. ARTHUR: Mmm, me too, yellow car. DOUGLAS: All right. How much space do they take up? MARTIN: Er DOUGLAS: Could you, for instance, get a hundred otters on board GERTI? MARTIN: Yes, I reckon you could. DOUGLAS: And is it a jam-packed RSPCA-nightmare of a plane, or are the otters lounging in relative comfort? MARTIN: Well, okay, theres, er, theres sixteen seats, so, say, two to a seat. DOUGLAS: Theyre good friends, these otters? MARTIN: Lets hope so. Then one in each overhead compartment DOUGLAS: Always remembering to open them with care because otters may have shifted during the flight. ARTHUR: And, er, one under each seat? DOUGLAS: Yes! Good thinking. MARTIN: Oh, but thats where the lifejackets are. DOUGLAS: Thats all right otters can swim. Now, how many in the galley? MARTIN: Er, four on the floor, two on the worktops? Well, it depends are we carrying Carolyn and Arthur? DOUGLAS: To wait on the otters? I think that would be an indulgence, frankly. I think wed be better off replacing them with more otters. MARTIN: Might be better off replacing Arthur with an otter anyway! ARTHUR (indignantly): Hey! DOUGLAS: So, thirty-two in the seats, sixteen in the overhead lockers, sixteen under the seats, six in the galley MARTIN: fifteen in the hold? DOUGLAS: Oh, twenty easily; and six or seven in the aisle.

MARTIN: Call it seven. DOUGLAS: Thats, what, ninety-seven; and three in the flight deck. A hundred! ARTHUR: Brilliant! MARTIN: No. Not in the flight deck. DOUGLAS: Hypothetically, though MARTIN: I dont care how hypothetical it is, Im not flying with a live otter in the flight deck. DOUGLAS: I dont see why not. Historically, very few hijackings have been carried out by otters. MARTIN: Well, Im sorry, but I dont think the Civil Aviation Authority would be too keen on the idea. DOUGLAS: To be quite honest with you, Captain, I dont think theres a whole lot about this plane full o f unsupervised otters the CAA is going to love. CAROLYN: Come on! Youre lagging again! HERC (breathlessly): Im not lagging. Im walking about twice the normal human pace. CAROLYN: This is why you need protein, you see otherwise you lag. HERC: Look, Ill tell you who isnt lagging your ridiculous dog. CAROLYN: What? Oh (calling to the dog) come back. Here! Here! HERC: Why dont you call her? CAROLYN: I am calling her. (Calling to the dog) Bad girl! Come here! HERC: Why dont you call her by name? CAROLYN (calling to the dog): Here! HERC: I hope that little girl likes dogs. CAROLYN (calling to the dog): Come here now! HERC: Oh dear, I dont think she does. (The dog yaps.) HERC: Well, not any more, anyway. CAROLYN (calling to the dog): Snoopadoop, here! (The dog yaps as she returns.) HERC: Snoopadoop? CAROLYN (to the dog): Good girl! (To Herc) Shut up. HERC (amused): This is better than I dared hope. CAROLYN: Arthur named her. HERC: Snoopadoop the cockerpoo, noblest of hounds. MARTIN: Couldnt you fit a couple in the loo? DOUGLAS: What? MARTIN: Otters. DOUGLAS: Ah, yes. ARTHUR: Brilliant, Skip! So, er, how manys that? DOUGLAS: Ninety-nine. ARTHUR: Oh, weve got to get to a hundred! Ooh, Services! Can we stop? MARTIN: Arthur, surely you cant need to go again? ARTHUR: No, I dont. I just really like motorway Services. Its like a little gang of shops that have gone on holiday together. MARTIN: No, we cant. ARTHUR: Why not? Weve got hours and hours to spare! MARTIN: Not to spare, to be safe. Were not stopping. (Arthur groans.) DOUGLAS: I know. Life is tough. Now, make yourself useful. ARTHUR (serenely): Im already useful. DOUGLAS: Make yourself even useful-er. Theres a map thingy on my phone type in the address. ARTHUR: Which address? DOUGLAS: The Gettysburg Address, Arthur. Which one do you think? The address were delivering this piano to! ARTHUR: Oh, right, yes. What is it? DOUGLAS: Give me strength. The address on the envelope you picked up from Martins pigeonhole at the airfield. ARTHUR: Right. Now I know how youre going to be, but remember you also asked me to pick up the van keys. MARTIN: Arthur ARTHUR: Half the job was picking up the van keys, and that part I did brilliantly! MARTIN: Oh God. DOUGLAS: Arthur, you clot.

MARTIN: Douglas, why did you get him to pick it up? You know hes a clot! ARTHUR (hurt): Im not a clot. DOUGLAS: I didnt know he was that much of a clot! I mean, he more or less manages to feed and dress himself. I assumed he could pick up a piece of paper ten seconds after being told to. MARTIN: Well, you were wrong! ARTHUR: Look, look, its all right. We can phone them and get their address! DOUGLAS: On which number should we phone them? ARTHUR: We can get the number from Directory Enquiries. DOUGLAS: And what shall we give Directory Enquiries to get the number? ARTHUR: Well, the addr (He trails off, groaning plaintively.) DOUGLAS (exasperated): Right. Back to the airfield. HERC: Carolyn, its this way. CAROLYN: No, its this way. HERC: It is not, Carolyn. I have a pilots excellent sense of direction; I have a map; I have GPS on my phone; and I am standing by a signpost and all of us agree that its this way! CAROLYN: And youre all wrong. This is a short cut. Come on. HERC: No. I dont want to. CAROLYN: Why not? HERC: Well, its-its muddy and hilly and theres sheep everywhere. CAROLYN: So? HERC: I dont like sheep. CAROLYN: Well, you dont have to like them. You just have to walk past them. HERC (tightly): I dont want to walk past them. CAROLYN: Hercules, are you frightened of sheep? HERC: No. No Im not, no. (Carolyn bleats.) HERC: Stop it. CAROLYN: You are! Youre frightened of sheep! Youre frightened of little woolly baa -lambs! HERC: No, no, I am not! Little baa-lambs I can take in my stride. Its big, mean, hooved, horned beasts that I dont like. (Carolyn bleats again.) HERC: Stop it! Its not funny! CAROLYN: If I can just pick you up on a small point there, Herc (she starts giggling) It is the funniest thing Ive ever heard! HERC: Its not, actually. Why do people always react like this? CAROLYN: Yes. Though, of course, now now I understand the vegetarianism. You fear reprisals. The midnight raid on your house; twelve balaclavad ewes with a thirst for revenge, a jar of mint sauce and a murderously sharp sprig of rosemary. HERC (hurrying away): Ill see you back at the car! MARTIN: Okay, its fine. Er, this is what the built-in time was built in for. So, suppose we get back to the airfield at, what, five? Turn straight around yellow car back on the M5 by DOUGLAS: Martin, Martin, are you playing Yellow Car? MARTIN: No. DOUGLAS: Why did you say, yellow car? MARTIN: I just happened to see one. DOUGLAS: Why did you say, yellow car? MARTIN: Im not playing it. I just wanted to say it before Arthur. DOUGLAS: That is what playing it is. MARTIN: Fine! Then Im playing it! And I won! Yellow car! Yellow car! Yellow car! ARTHUR: Wow, Skip, youre really good! I missed all of those. (They pull up at the airfield.) MARTIN: All right, now you two stay here. Ill go in and get it. (He gets out of the van.) DOUGLAS: Hmm. Whose is that green Mercedes? ARTHUR: I dont know. Its nice, isnt it? DOUGLAS: Lets have a look. (He gets out and walks towards the car.) DOUGLAS: Theres someone in it. (The cars electric window winds down.) HERC: Hello, Douglas.

DOUGLAS: Herc! What on Earth are you doing here? HERC: Im dropping Carolyn home, but she wanted to pick something up from the office on the way. Shes inside now if you want to speak to her. DOUGLAS: What do you mean, dropping her home? Is she all right? HERC: Shes fine. DOUGLAS: Home from where? HERC: Weve been for a walk. DOUGLAS: A walk? HERC: Thats right. DOUGLAS: You came all the way here to go for a walk with Carolyn? HERC: Well, and lunch. DOUGLAS: Oh, good Lord! And what have you done with your wife? HERC: Im not married. DOUGLAS: Divorced, I take it? HERC: Of course. DOUGLAS: How many times? HERC: Four. You? DOUGLAS: Just the three. HERC: Oh, you old romantic. DOUGLAS: Right, well, Ill leave you to it. Goodbye. HERC: Cheerio. (Douglas hurries back to the van and opens the door.) DOUGLAS: Arthur, quick. Help me get the piano out of the van. ARTHUR: Why? DOUGLAS: Just do it. (The portacabin door opens.) CAROLYN (calling out): All right, Herc, Ive found it. Lets go. (Douglas plays a dramatic flourish on the piano and then accompanies himself as he sings.) DOUGLAS: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, thats amor CAROLYN: Douglas DOUGLAS: When the moon seems to shine like youve had too much wine, thats amor CAROLYN: Why am I constantly beset by pilots who think theyre funny? DOUGLAS (stopping playing): Oh, hello Carolyn, fancy seeing you here. CAROLYN: Im ignoring you. You are being ignored. I am getting in the car. (Douglas starts playing again as she gets into Hercs car.) DOUGLAS: Bells will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling (The car engine starts up.) CAROLYN (calling from the car as it drives away): You are being ignored! DOUGLAS: and youll sing Vita bella ARTHUR (applauding): That was brilliant, Douglas! DOUGLAS: Hearts will fall (He stops playing.) ARTHUR: Now, now do Those Magnificent Men in their Flying Machines ! DOUGLAS: No. (He slams the piano lid down.) ARTHUR (disappointed): Oh! (Martin comes out of the portacabin.) MARTIN: Right, Ive given him a call. He says hell be there til seven so we can just make it as long as Douglas, why have you got the piano out? DOUGLAS: Just giving it an airing. MARTIN: Well, get it back in the van! DOUGLAS: All right, all right. Come on, Arthur. ARTHUR: Okay, okay! (He tugs on the vans door handle.) ARTHUR: Can I have the keys? DOUGLAS: You already have the keys. ARTHUR: No I dont. I gave them back to you. DOUGLAS: No, Arthur, you didnt. You have the keys. ARTHUR (patting his pockets): I dont! I dont! DOUGLAS: Then youve locked them in the van.

ARTHUR: No! I absolutely definitely gave them to you! DOUGLAS: Except that I dont remember taking them, and I dont have them, so one of us has made an incredibly stupid mistake. Which one of us does that sound more like? ARTHUR (plaintively): That sounds more like me. DOUGLAS: Because youre a what? ARTHUR: A clod. DOUGLAS: A clot. ARTHUR: A clot. DOUGLAS: And a clod. MARTIN (frantically): So what are we gonna do? Its five already. If we call a locksmith, well never make it. Douglas, dyou know a trick? DOUGLAS: Im afraid breaking into Transit vans is a little outside my sphere. MARTIN: Well, think of something. DOUGLAS: Well we may no longer be men with a van, but we are at the airfield and therefore we are as usual men with a plane. DOUGLAS (into radio): Bristol: Golf Tango India. Request permission for passage through your airspace for three men and a flying piano. BRISTOL ATC: Golf Tango India, please state intended next waypoint and key signature. DOUGLAS: Exmoor in F sharp. BRISTOL ATC: Accepted. (Flight deck door opens.) ARTHUR: Coffee, chaps, and Ive had a brilliant idea. MARTIN: Yes? ARTHUR: The fridge in the galley. I was just looking at it. I reckon if you turned it off and took the shelves out, you could get an otter in it! DOUGLAS: Do you know what? I think youre right! Gentlemen, we have hit our otter target! ARTHUR: Hooray! DOUGLAS: Martin, you were quite right: you can imagine a hundred otters. MARTIN (smugly): Thank you. ARTHUR: Oh, er, by the way, chaps DOUGLAS: Yes? ARTHUR: Sorry, its probably obvious, because Im a clot, but, um, when we land, how are we getting the piano from the airfield to the pub? MARTIN: Oh. DOUGLAS: Ah. (Grunting, and the sound of the pianos wheels squeaking as it rumbles along the road.) MARTIN: Youre doing really well, chaps. Nearly halfway there. DOUGLAS (grunting): Terrific(!) MARTIN: I really wish I could push too. Its just this stupid ankle, but Im really, really grateful for all of your help. DOUGLAS (grunting): Youre welcome. ARTHUR (panting): Yeah. Youre welcome. DOUGLAS: He didnt mean you. ARTHUR: What? I helped! DOUGLAS: You lost the address and locked the keys in the van! In what way, precisely, did you help? ARTHUR: Well, you wouldnt be able to push the piano without me! DOUGLAS (breathless and angry): We wouldnt have to push the piano without you! ARTHUR: Oh. Well, I was the one who thought of putting an otter in the fridge! DOUGLAS: True. In that respect, you were invaluable. MARTIN: Chaps, we do only have ten minutes left, so if you can go any faster at all (Douglas and Arthur groan as they try to speed up. A car goes past.) ARTHUR: Yellow car. DOUGLAS and MARTIN (simultaneously): Shut up! CAROLYN: And in racing green, Herc. Honestly. Id have more respect for you if youd gone for bright red. At least then youre saying, Yes, Im having a mid-life crisis. Who wants to make something of it? Racing green fools no-one. HERC: If I may just interrupt the flow of ignorant bile for a moment, which house is it? CAROLYN: Oh, here, by the tree. (The car pulls to a halt.)

CAROLYN: Well, thank you for today, anyway. HERC: My pleasure. CAROLYN: Sorry if I was a bit HERC: No, no, you werent at all CAROLYN: soppy. HERC: Oh. No, you werent at all. CAROLYN: But I-I didnt always have an entirely awful time. HERC: Good I think. Nor did I. CAROLYN: Right. Well do this again, then? HERC: Oh, good lord, no! No, next time, opera! CAROLYN (instantly): No. Absolutely not. HERC: Yes, absolutely yes. I endured your ridiculous dog and the gruesome sight of you inhaling a shoal of fish. Now its your turn to endure some of the most sublime music ever created by man. CAROLYN: I wont like it. HERC: Im not remotely interested in whether youll like it. Also, you will like it. CAROLYN: Well Ill let you know. (Douglas and Arthur gasp breathlessly as a doorbell rings. The door opens.) MR. HARDY: Yes? MARTIN: Mr. Hardy, Icarus Removals. MR. HARDY: Ah, just in time! I was about to go! Bloody hell what happened to those two? DOUGLAS (gasping): We have been pushing your piano. MR. HARDY: What?! Thats no way to treat it! Where have you been pushing it? MARTIN (hurriedly): Only from our van. MR. HARDY: Where is your van? MARTIN: We parked it round the corner. MR. HARDY: Why did you ? MARTIN (talking over him): So if youd care to sign here, sir MR. HARDY: Hold your horses. Lets take a look at it. MARTIN: Of course. MR. HARDY (walking around the piano): Uh-huh. Yeah. Yep, thats fine. Lets just check in here. (He lifts the lid and hits a few random notes.) MR. HARDY: Ooh. MARTIN: Everything all right? MR. HARDY: Well, yes, but what are these doing on the keys? DOUGLAS: What? (Theres the jingling of car keys as Mr. Hardy picks them up.) ARTHUR: Oh. Douglas. The van keys! DOUGLAS: Ah yes. Well, thats good. ARTHUR: You must have closed the lid on them, Douglas, when you finished playing to Mum. DOUGLAS: So it seems. Still MARTIN: After Arthur gave them back to you. ARTHUR: Like I said I gave them back to you. DOUGLAS: Yes. ARTHUR: Oh, Douglas. You CLOT! End credits, to the tune of Those Magnificent Men in their Flying Machines , followed by: DOUGLAS: Up, down, flying around! (Singing) Looping the loop and defying the ground. Theyre all (Speaking) Arthur! ARTHUR: frightfully keen! DOUGLAS: Those magnificent men DOUGLAS and MARTIN: Those magnificent men DOUGLAS, MARTIN and ARTHUR: Those magnificent men in their flying machines!

SEASON 3 EPISODE 5: Rotterdam

This week, Rotterdam! DOUGLAS: Okay, Martin, your turn. MARTIN: All right. I came through Customs and all I had to declare was some (he pauses

momentarily) jelly from New Delhi, a tunic from Munich, some maracas from Caracas and some cattle from Seattle. DOUGLAS: Some cattle?! MARTIN: Yes, why not? DOUGLAS: No, fine. Big plane. Okay: I came through Customs and all I had (The sat comm begins to ring.) DOUGLAS: Oh, thats odd. Were here, Carolyn and Arthur are in the cabin. Who else knows that number? MARTIN: No-one. DOUGLAS (switching on the sat comm): Hello, MJN Air. Is that God? HERC (over sat comm): Oh, I wouldnt go that far. DOUGLAS (unhappily): Oh, hello, Hercules. HERC: Hello, Douglas. Call me Herc. DOUGLAS: Did you want anything in particular, HHHHerc? HERC: I did, actually, yes. Is, um, is Carolyn around? DOUGLAS: Shes around in the sense that shes in the cabin doing her job, just as we are in t he flight deck, rather busy doing ours. HERC (insincerely): Oh, Im sorry. Did I interrupt at a crucial stage in a word game? MARTIN (stuttering): I-I-I-Ill get her for you. HERC: No-no-no, its all right, no. If you could just pass on a message. Turns out Friday is better than Saturday for the opera, so Ill pick her up at one. DOUGLAS: Yes, of course, sir. Anything else we can do for you? Wish your Aunty Edna a happy birthday? Tell your bookie to put a fiver each way on Gentleman Joe? Because we are of course essentially an airborne secretarial service. MARTIN (talking over him): Will do, Herc. Its-its no trouble at all. HERC: Thank you, Martin. (Sat comm off.) DOUGLAS: Theres no point toadying to him. Hes not going to get you a job at CalAir. MARTIN: Im not toadying. I like him. Why dont you? DOUGLAS: Ive known him longer than you, thats why. MARTIN: And? DOUGLAS: And hes a smooth-talking old smarm-pot who thinks hes the best thing to happen to the sky since rainbows. MARTIN: No wonder you dont like him, then. DOUGLAS: Yes. MARTIN: Hes nicking your act. DOUGLAS: Okay, Carolyn, lets try it without the camera first. Are you ready? CAROLYN (nervously): Yes. DOUGLAS: All right, go. (Carolyn begins to speak a little stiltedly in an overly forced upper class accent.) CAROLYN: Hello. It is my very great pleasure to welcome you aboard. ARTHUR: Action. DOUGLAS: Thank you, Arthur. Its usual, in fact, to shout that before the actor begins speaking. ARTHUR: Oh, sorry. I was confused by you saying go. And then I thought Id better say it anyway, you know, to be on the safe side. DOUGLAS: Lets try again. Arthur, ready to say action? ARTHUR: Yep. DOUGLAS: Carolyn, ready to go? CAROLYN (tetchily): Get on with it. DOUGLAS: Arthur, go. ARTHUR: Action! DOUGLAS: Carolyn, go. CAROLYN (in the stilted forced accent): Hello. It is my very great pleasure today to welcome you all aboard this MJN Air flight. DOUGLAS: May I stop you there? Try to remember youre the owner of an airline welcoming your passengers, not a monarch addressing her subjects. CAROLYN: I fail to see the distinction. DOUGLAS: Even so, maybe you could try it just a touch less like Queen Victoria recording an answerphone greeting. I mean, you might even try risking a smile! (Theres a short pause.) DOUGLAS: Ah. Do you have anything less sharky? (Carolyn continues her script, sounding a little more like herself but still obviously uncomfortable.)

CAROLYN: We know you have a wide choice of airlines and we are delighted youve chosen MJN DOUGLAS: Delighted and baffled. CAROLYN (continuing the script): Your safety today is our paramount concern ARTHUR: Whats paramount? DOUGLAS: Biggest. ARTHUR: Right. CAROLYN (continuing the script): so please pay attention to the safety demonstration even if youre a frequent flyer, as aircraft may vary. DOUGLAS: This one especially from flight to flight sometimes. ARTHUR: And then I do the safety demonstration. CAROLYN: Not yet! (Continuing the script) As owner and manager of MJN Air (The portacabin door opens.) MARTIN: Hello. CAROLYN: As owner and manager of MJN Air, my first priority is to ensure you have a comfortable and enjoyable flight. MARTIN: Is it?! Cause that hasnt really been coming across. Whats going on? CAROLYN: Mr. Alyakhin has decreed from his dacha that MJN should have a pre-flight film. He said it would make us look more like a real airline. I pretended not to know what he meant. So Arthurs doing his safety demonstration ARTHUR: but on film, like in a film! CAROLYN: and Im doing a welcome message. MARTIN: Arthurs doing the safety demo?! ARTHUR (excitedly): Yeah! CAROLYN: Yes, he is! Why shouldnt he? DOUGLAS: Arthur does have a rather free-form approach to his art. ARTHUR: Ooh! We could do it like a disaster movie! DOUGLAS: for instance. MARTIN: Surely you should do that one, Carolyn. CAROLYN: No I should not. DOUGLAS: That was the original plan. In fact, we did a trial run this morning, but watching it back, Carolyn was worried she looked rather ridiculous. MARTIN (politely to Carolyn, though clearly unconvinced): Oh, Im sure you didnt. DOUGLAS: Oh, she did utterly ridiculous. I didnt say she wasnt right to be worried. CAROLYN: Thank you, Douglas DOUGLAS: There was a particularly arresting moment when she was in a fully inflated yellow lifejacket, demonstrating how to use a whistle (Martin giggles.) CAROLYN (more firmly): Thank you, Douglas. DOUGLAS: She looked like a musical grapefruit. (Martin giggles again.) CAROLYN (angrily): That will do! MARTIN: Carolyn, I really feel I ought to do the welcome message. I mean, after all, I am the captain. People want to hear from the captain. They find it reassuring. CAROLYN: Martin, when has anyone ever found you reassuring? MARTIN: Thats not fair! CAROLYN: Look, Im sorry, but this needs to be calm, relaxed and authoritative none of which, Im afraid, are qualities for which you are famous. DOUGLAS: Mind you, theyre terribly hard qualities to find. MARTIN (anything but calmly): I am calm! Im very, very calm and authoritative, and-and, er, the other one. What was the other one? I can do that as well, whatever it was. DOUGLAS: Relaxed? MARTIN (frantically): Yes! Im very relaxed! CAROLYN: All right. Give it your best shot. MARTIN: Er, what, now? CAROLYN: Practice run. Fade up on Captain Martin Crieff at the controls (Martin whimpers.) CAROLYN: He turns to the camera engagingly and says MARTIN: Im not ready! CAROLYN: And blackout! MARTIN: What? No! CAROLYN: Thank you, Martin. Well let you know. MARTIN: No-no-no, wait-wait-wait! Okay. (He clears his throat.) Im ready now.

CAROLYN: Okay. Go. MARTIN (calmly): Hello. Welcome to MJN Air. (His calmness immediately begins to disintegrate.) M-m-my name is Captain Martin Crieff, though that doesnt matter its all very informal here. Just call me Martin well, in the context of this video, anyway. If you actually see me in person, its probably best you do call me CaptainCrieff, or just Captain. Its just protocol, Im afraid, um, but if it was up to me you could call me Marty.(Slight pause.) No, no, actually, no, no, lets not confuse things: definitely dont ever call me Marty. Right, so, to recap: hello. I am Captain Martin Captain Captain Crieff, Crieff, I mean! Can we start again? DOUGLAS: You old perfectionist, you. (Martin groans.) ARTHUR: I thought he was great! CAROLYN: You think everythings great. DOUGLAS: To be fair, Carolyn, he was no worse than you. CAROLYN: I know! All right. I was hoping to avoid this, but let us bow to the inevitable. (She draws in an unhappy breath.) Douglas, you can do it. MARTIN (despairingly): Oh, Carolyn, no! CAROLYN: I dont like it either, Martin, but since we have a pilot who sounds like Stephen Frys favourite uncle, we might as well use him. Go on, then, Douglas do your stuff. DOUGLAS: Um no, thank you. CAROLYN: What? DOUGLAS (awkwardly): Id rather not. CAROLYN: Youd rather not? But surely this combines your twin passions: scoring off Martin and the sound of your own voice. DOUGLAS: Oh, how little you know me. You see, my secret sorrow, Carolyn, is that I suffer from a quite crippling lack of self-confidence. CAROLYN: Do you, now? DOUGLAS: Absolutely. It is my curse. MARTIN: Well, thats settled, then. Ill do it. CAROLYN: No you wont. So: I cant do it, Martin shouldnt do it, and Douglas wont do it. Great. ARTHUR: Shall I do it? CAROLYN, DOUGLAS and MARTIN (simultaneously): No! (Footsteps along gravel.) ARTHUR: Hang on, Douglas, Ive dropped it again. DOUGLAS (as they both stop): You see now why Im carrying the video camera and youre carrying the lifejacket. ARTHUR: Yeah, fair enough. Douglas? Are you really not going to do the welcome speech? DOUGLAS: It would seem not. ARTHUR: Because I think youre being hard on yourself. I think you might be quite good a t it if you tried. DOUGLAS: Dont be ridiculous, Arthur. ARTHUR: No-no, I mean it. I really DOUGLAS (talking over him): Of course I should do it. I would be superb. (He turns on a really smooth voice.) DOUGLAS: Welcome to MJN Air, putting the excitement back into air travel sometimes too much so. ARTHUR: Oh, yeah! You are! You sound just like one of those guys who does that! Brilliant! Lets go and tell Mum. DOUGLAS: Not so fast, man-cub. If Martin knows I want to do it, hell put up a fight a fight I would win, naturally, but why bother? Whereas if I have to be persuaded to do it, I can get a quid pro quo. ARTHUR: Whats quick pwo kwo? DOUGLAS: Something in return. ARTHUR: Right. Like what? DOUGLAS: Dyou know, I havent even decided yet. Right, into the plane, Garbo, its time for your close-up. MARTIN (trying to sound smooth): Hello, Im Captain Martin Crieff. Hello. My name is Captain Martin Crieff. (Flight deck door opens.) MARTIN (his voice gradually becoming more frantic): This is Captain Martin Crieff. My names Captain Martin Crieff. DOUGLAS: Hello. Im looking for a Captain Martin Crieff. Have you seen him? MARTIN: Why cant I make it sound authoritative? ARTHUR: Hi, Skip! Weve come to film my bit on location. MARTIN: This is Captain Martin Crieff spea I think its my name. ARTHUR: That means in the actual place where the thing is meant to be. DOUGLAS: Youre recording a demo for Carolyn, are you?

ARTHUR: So, in this case, because the scene is set in a plane, were doing it in the plane. MARTIN: Yeah. Martin. Martin. Its just not a captains name. Martin. ARTHUR: Rather than building a set (tetchily) which we cant afford, apparently. DOUGLAS: Whats a captains name? MARTIN: Well, yours, for instance big surprise(!) (He puts on a ridiculous deep cheerful voice.) MARTIN: This is Captain Douglas Richardson. (He switches back to his normal [croaky, sexy ... Dammit, concentrate, Ariane] voice.) MARTIN: You see, it sounds much better. DOUGLAS: It does sound rather good. (Martin sighs in exasperation.) MARTIN: Captain der-der-DER-der-der. Thats what you need not Captain der-der-DERff. (The plane door opens.) CAROLYN: All right, studio, are we ready? Camera in position, lighting rigged? DOUGLAS: In as much as Im pointing the camera at him and Ive turned the lights on, yes. CAROLYN: Ready, Arthur? Oh, I see the hats back. ARTHUR (serenely): The hat is paramount. DOUGLAS: Its certainly biggest. All right, Arthur, in your own time. (Pause.) ARTHUR: Whos saying Action? DOUGLAS: You can say Action. ARTHUR: Action! (Pause.) DOUGLAS (tiredly): And go. ARTHUR: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen or good morning if its the morning when you watch this, or hello if its well, any time. Hello. Er, my name is Arthur and its my pleas ure to be being your cabin crew today unless its Mum. If Mums being your cabin crew today, then its her pleasure to be being it and its my displeasure not to be. But at least Im here on the video, so its a little bit me as well and Im pleased about that. DOUGLAS: Very good, Arthur. An excellent start. Shall we, though, stick to the version in the script for now? ARTHUR: Oh, yes, okay. Er, what was that again? DOUGLAS: Hello. ARTHUR: Right, yes. Hang on, just let me practice. Hallo. Hallo. No, hall hallo. (Cheerfully) Hallo! (He carries on practising in various different voices.) DOUGLAS: Carolyn, youre absolutely sure you dont want to do this yourself? CAROLYN: Yes. ARTHUR (loudly): Hallo! DOUGLAS: Fair enough. Im sure thats a wise decision. CAROLYN: Well, youre the one who said I looked stupid in that lifejacket. DOUGLAS: I did and you do, especially blowing that whistle which Ive never understood why you have to do, by the way. Frankly, anyone who needs the operation of a whistle explaining to them deserves to drown. Anyway, yes, you look absolutely ludicrous, but on the other hand, the alternative ARTHUR (loudly, in a ridiculous voice): Hellooo! CAROLYN: The alternative will be fine when hes had a bit of practice. DOUGLAS: If you say so. Okay, Arthur, lets try the next bit. ARTHUR: Okay. DOUGLAS: Action, and also go. ARTHUR: Right. Your seatbelt is fastened, adjusted and unfastened like this. (Rattling noises.) Hang on. Oh, no. Sorry, its different when youre not wearing it. Um, anywa y, what-what-what should happen is you put the metal square bit into the metal box of matches bit until it goes click No, no, its more of a (he tries to impersonate the click) No, no, its (he clicks his tongue twice) No, thats a dolphin. If it makes a noise like a dolphin, I dont know what youve done. Now, your nearest exit which may be behind you is being pointed out by a member of the cabin crew probably me er, the other me, the real me. Look at the real me. Now look back at the me me I mean, this me, me the me thats talking. If the other mes talking as well, then shut up, me! This is my bit! CAROLYN: Fine! Fine! I will do it! DOUGLAS: Maybe youre right. So youll do the safety demo and the welcome, then. Will you do one in disguise, or is the idea that youre identical twins? CAROLYN: No. Obviously youll have to do the welcome. DOUGLAS: Well, as I say, the debilitating shyness Anyway, changing the subject abruptly and completely, where are we flying next?

CAROLYN: Er, Rotterdam. DOUGLAS: Oh! Rotterdam. Lovely place. Awfully near Spa. CAROLYN: Where? DOUGLAS: Spa. Lovely town in Belgium, about two hundred miles away. Gave its name to the, er, well, the spa, logically enough, and this weekend, I believe, the site of the Belgian Grand Prix. In fact, Carolyn, a thought has just occurred to me: would you mind if I nipped over to see it while were there? CAROLYN: Well, you can if you like, but I dont see how youre going to nip two hundred miles and back. DOUGLAS: No. I suppose, to do that, Id require some kind of, er I dont know, flying machine. CAROLYN: What? No! Absolutely not! Youre not borrowing GERTI to fly yourself to the Grand Prix! DOUGLAS: Thats a shame, because it did occur to me that the excitement of the Gra nd Prix might be just the thing to put some fire in my belly and help me overcome my terrible fear of cameras. CAROLYN: Oh, I see. Not content with exacting a quid pro quo for things you dont want to do, youre now demanding them for things you do! DOUGLAS: I dont know what you mean. CAROLYN: Well, Im damned if Im bribing you to do something you want to do anyway. DOUGLAS: Fine. CAROLYN: Fine. MARTIN (cheerfully): Good morning, Carolyn. CAROLYN: Martin! Youre early. Were not going to Rotterdam til two. MARTIN: I know, but I know you want to do that film today and I thought you might want to listen to this first. CAROLYN: Martin MARTIN: I spent the whole of yesterday recording it on my phone and I think youll agree its pretty much exactly what you asked for: calm, authoritative, relaxed. Listen. (He activates the recording on his phone. His voice sounds about as confident as Martin is ever going to sound which, lets be honest, isnt all that confident and the tone has a fake cheeriness to it.) MARTINs VOICE: Hi, guys. My names Martin Crieff, the captain, and Im the guy in charge of flying you today. On behalf of the rest of the guys on my team and the guys back on the ground, let me give you guys one hell of a big MJN welcome on board today. Now, before we go right ahead and fly some plane, Im going to ask you to pay attention to this short safety demonstration. Hey, I know, guys big yawn, eh? (He chuckles.) But you know what? It might just save your life. (His confidence shatters and he starts to stutter nervously.) A-a-although, of course, an air accident is statistically incredibly unlikely. (He tries to get his confident tone back again.) Okay.(He clears his throat.) See you on the flip side of the safety demonstration. Ciao! CAROLYN: Goodness. Thats you being relaxed, is it? MARTIN: Well, relaxed but authoritative, like, like, like a cool teacher. CAROLYN: I see. Well, sadly, Professor Fonz, the vacancy has been filled. (She calls out.) Martin! Could you come here a moment? MARTIN: I-I am here. CAROLYN: How, then, would you evaluate the chances that I am referring to you? (The office door opens.) SECOND MARTIN: Hello. Im Martin. Im the captain. Good to meet you. (Martin lets out a panic-stricken shriek.) MARTIN: No! I-Im what dyou mean, youre the captain? SECOND MARTIN: Yeah! You must be the first officer. Nice to meet you. MARTIN: No, Im the captain. SECOND MARTIN: Ah. I thought I was the captain. CAROLYN: Indeed you are. Martin, Martin here is the real captain. Martin, Martin here is an actor. He will beplaying the captain. MARTIN: B-but he-he-hes dressed as a pilot! CAROLYN: I know! They stop at nothing, these actors. MARTIN: But the uniform ! Where did you get your uniform? SECOND MARTIN: Mrs Knapp-Shappey supplied it. CAROLYN: From a fancy dress shop, actually. MARTIN: But its nicer than mine! CAROLYN: I know! Ill be going back there in future. (The portacabin door opens.) DOUGLAS: Morning, all. Oh, hello. SECOND MARTIN: Hello. Im Martin. DOUGLAS: Goodness! What happened? Did you find a magic lamp? MARTIN: Im over here, Douglas. CAROLYN: Martin is an actor, Douglas, whom I have hired to do the welcome.

DOUGLAS: Oh. CAROLYN: So isnt that sorted out rather cleverly by me, with no need for anyone to get a free trip to Belgium? DOUGLAS: You know, actually, Carolyn, perhaps I could be persuaded. CAROLYN: Right the plan is: well rehearse your speech, Martin, in the flight deck on the ground; then well take you with us to Rotterdam so we can film it actually in the a ir. Douglas, come and help me set up. Martin, put the kettle on. No, not you, Martin; little Martin. (Martin squeaks indignantly.) MARTIN: I am not little Martin! CAROLYN: Douglas, heel. (The portacabin door closes as she and Douglas leave. Martin huffs indignantly.) SECOND MARTIN: So, sorry, youre really a pilot? MARTIN: Yes! Yes, I really am. A captain. SECOND MARTIN: Right. Jolly good. MARTIN: And youre really not. SECOND MARTIN: Not what? MARTIN: A pilot. SECOND MARTIN: Good heavens, no! MARTIN: Because you really look like one. SECOND MARTIN: Do I? Is that a compliment? MARTIN (despairingly): I would give a year of my life to look like you. SECOND MARTIN (hesitantly): Oh right. Well, thank you. MARTIN: And your name really is SECOND MARTIN: Martin. Hello. MARTIN: You see, when you say it, somehow it works. (Tentatively, as if dreading the answer) Whats your surname? SECOND MARTIN: Davenport. MARTIN (fed up): Martin Davenport. Good evening, this is Captain Martin Davenport. Oh, youve even got a der-der-DER-der-der name! SECOND MARTIN: Sorry, what have I got? MARTIN (frustrated): So you look more like a captain than me, you sound more like a captain than me, youve got a better uniform than me and a better name than me. You must be very pleased. SECOND MARTIN: I really just came here to do a job. MARTIN: Look, just as an experiment. If you were doing the Falaya [see footnote] approach into Nice with a twenty knot wind from the north-east, which runway would you use? SECOND MARTIN: Ive really no idea! MARTIN: Have a guess! SECOND MARTIN: Um, runway B? MARTIN: Runway B?! Whats that?! Thats not a runway! SECOND MARTIN: Well, as I say MARTIN: Its either the Zero Four Left or the Zero Four Right! SECOND MARTIN (guessing): The Zero Four Right? MARTIN: No! Left! How could you not know that?! SECOND MARTIN: Because Im not a pilot! MARTIN: Such a waste! Such a terrible waste! (Flight deck door opens) ARTHUR: Hi, chaps! Er, Mum says are you ready for the rehearsal? MARTIN (sulkily): No. DOUGLAS: Yes. ARTHUR (calling towards the cabin): Yeah, theyre ready! MARTIN: How tall do you think he is? DOUGLAS: Oh, Martin, I have no idea! Six one, six two? MARTIN: Yeah, perfect height taller than most people but not weird tall. DOUGLAS: Youve really got to let this go, you know. (Flight deck door opens.) CAROLYN: All right, drivers. Are you ready to make movie magic or at least sit and watch whilst movie magic is made beside you? Come on in, Martin. SECOND MARTIN: Hello again. DOUGLAS: Hello. MARTIN (loudly, accusingly): How tall are you, Martin? SECOND MARTIN (groaning quietly): Er, six two.

MARTIN: Huh! Told you so! Are you married? SECOND MARTIN: Yes. MARTIN: Course you are. Kids, too, I expect. SECOND MARTIN: Yes, two. MARTIN: Boy and a girl? SECOND MARTIN: How did you know? MARTIN (angrily): Just a hunch. CAROLYN: All right! If we could save the rest of the Creepy Stalker Quiz for later, lets get going. Little Martin, if you could clear the captains seat for Big Martin. MARTIN (furiously): Seriously, Carolyn, I am not Little Martin. CAROLYN: So you keep saying, but the tape measure tells a different tale. DOUGLAS: You can take my seat, Martin. CAROLYN: What? No! No, you stay where you are, Douglas. DOUGLAS: No, I dont think so. I am as I believe Ive mentioned before terribly shy. CAROLYN: Oh, dont be so childish. DOUGLAS (petulantly): Im not being childish, but if I cant go to the Grand Prix, Im not being in the film! CAROLYN: Fine. Little Martin (Martin groans in frustration.) CAROLYN: its your lucky day your big break into the moving pictures. You sit in Douglas seat and face away from the camera. MARTIN: This is the first officers seat. Im not a first officer. CAROLYN (sternly): Martin, will you sit down now! (Theres the interesting sound of Martins backside plonking down into the seat. Fangirls imagination goes berserk ) CAROLYN: Thank you so much. So, Big Martin MARTIN (almost in tears): Please, Carolyn! ARTHUR: We could call him Paramount Martin. CAROLYN: What? ARTHUR: Biggest. CAROLYN: Fine. Paramount Martin. Now, well start with a couple of seconds of the two of you flying; then you turn in your seat and you say the lines. SECOND MARTIN: Okay. How do I look like Im flying? CAROLYN: You put your feet up, play some stupid word game and gorge yourself on cheese. SECOND MARTIN: Erm CAROLYN: No, no, forgive me. I was being satirical. Just grab the control column and look pleased with yourself. MARTIN: Of course, um, just a suggestion, but it might help if one of us was to say something to ATC? Just request a weather report or something, to give it atmosphere. CAROLYN: Yes, all right. Paramount Martin, do that. SECOND MARTIN: All right. What should I say? MARTIN (sarcastically, triumphantly): Oh dear, dont you know what to say? CAROLYN: Martin, give him something to say. MARTIN: Or I could just say it myself. CAROLYN: Okay, fine, but keep it short. And, go. MARTIN: Shanwick, Golf Tango India, requesting the weather at Reykjavik. CAROLYN (whispering): And Paramount Martin, go! SECOND MARTIN (painfully stiltedly): Hello. A-and welcome. On the behalves of all of us. Here at M and M Air sorry! MJN. Air! We know you have a wide choice. Of airlines and we er oh, oh, sorry, its gone. Line? DOUGLAS: Well, this is interesting. SECOND MARTIN: Is everything all right, do you think? MARTIN: Er, yeah, Im sure it is. SECOND MARTIN: Why do you think she rushed out like that? And why did she take the other chap with her? MARTIN (hurriedly): Dont know. No idea. No idea at all. (He clears his throat.) MARTIN: So, Martin, um, tell me: do you do you do you get a lot of work? Are you a busy actor? SECOND MARTIN: Well, theres not a lot of work, no. Its all rather quiet at the moment, I think, for everyone. MARTIN: Right, right, right. But you make a living. SECOND MARTIN: Well, not entirely from acting, if Im honest. I do a bit of taxi driving too, on the side

and to some extent in the centre. MARTIN: I see. And have you always wanted to be an actor? SECOND MARTIN: Oh, always, always. Since I was five years old. Absolutely the only thing Ive ever wanted to be and its so frustrating when you know, without any doubt at all, what you were put on this Earth to do, and you just cant seem to persuade anyone else. MARTIN (quietly): I can imagine. So, um, how did Carolyn find you? SECOND MARTIN: Im on this website. I dont normally get anything through it, but this was amazing! She didnt even ask me to audition. MARTIN: Didnt she? Fancy that. And-and if you dont mind me asking how much is she paying you? SECOND MARTIN: Well, actually, I agreed to waive my fee. Er, you know, its a good cause, isnt it? MARTIN: What? MJN? No were not a good cause. Were a terrible cause. SECOND MARTIN (despairingly): I just wanted to do some acting! No-one ever lets me do any acting! MARTIN: Listen, um, do you live in Fitton, Martin? SECOND MARTIN: Yes. MARTIN: Dyou wanna go for a drink some time? SECOND MARTIN: Martin, look, Im really sorry. Im not (A slight pause, then Martin catches up.) MARTIN (frantically): Oh, no, no! Nor am I, no! I mean, dyou wanna go, you know, for a for a for a pint, er, yeah? A pint of, um, bitter or, er, or-or stout. SECOND MARTIN: Oh, yes! Yes, of course! Id like that, Martin. MARTIN: So would I Martin. CAROLYN: All right, lets get it over with. (She draws in a long breath.) I need you to do the welcome. DOUGLAS: Ill do it if I can go to the Grand Prix. CAROLYN: You cant go to the Grand Prix. DOUGLAS: Then you have your choice of the Martins. CAROLYN: Oh, all right. You can (Portacabin door opens.) HERC: Hello. CAROLYN: Herc! What are you doing here? HERC: Ive come to take you to the opera. CAROLYN: Well, thats tomorrow. HERC: No. Didnt you get my message? DOUGLAS: Oh dear. Forgetful old Martin. CAROLYN: Hang on. Herc, say, Hello, and welcome to MJN Air. DOUGLAS: What? HERC: Hello, and welcome to MJN Air. CAROLYN: A-ha! DOUGLAS: No! Absolutely not! CAROLYN: Herc, are you doing anything tonight? HERC: Yes, Im taking you to the opera. CAROLYN: Yeah, well, Im afraid youre not doing that because Im going to Rotterdam, so I wonder: would you mind coming with me, popping on a fancy dress uniform and recording MJNs welcome message? DOUGLAS (appalled): No! (Herc chuckles.) HERC: Oh. Oh, why not? Sounds rather fun. CAROLYN: Douglas unfortunately cant do it because of his crippling shyness. HERC (insincerely): Oh, how sad. If only we could give the poor man the gift of self-confidence. DOUGLAS: Youve youve made your point, Carolyn. Ill do it. Im happy to do it. (Grimly) Please. CAROLYN: Well, thank you, Douglas, but actually I think I prefer Hercs voice. DOUGLAS: What?! Oh, rubbish. (He turns on his smoothest voice.) DOUGLAS: We hope you have a pleasant flight. (Herc clears his throat.) HERC (smoothly): We do hope you relax and enjoy your flight. DOUGLAS (cranking up the smoothness): Please, do relax and have an absolutely splendid flight. HERC (going into full-on knicker-melting mode): You simply must have the most awfully lovely superscrumptious flight. CAROLYN: All right, stop, both of you, before I drown in syrup! Douglas, if I were to be gracious enough to allow you the favour of providing the MJN welcome message, what is my quid pro quo? DOUGLAS (tetchily): Fine. I wont go to the Grand Prix. CAROLYN: Ah, but you forget: you were never going to the Grand Prix, so what are you going to do for me?

CAROLYN: All right. Everybody ready? I hereby present MJN Airs first and, please God, last major motion picture. Arthur, press Play. ARTHUR: Okay! Action! (Twinkly music begins to play.) DOUGLAS (on the recording): Hello. Im First Officer Richardson. Thank you for choosing MJN Air. We wish you a peaceful and comfortable flight. Your security is very important to us, so please watch the following safety demonstration carefully, even if you are a frequent flier. CAROLYN: And who better to take us through it than DOUGLAS (on the recording): Hallo. Im your steward, Dougie. (Carolyn, Martin and Arthur cheer.) DOUGLAS: Oh, God. DOUGLAS (on the recording): Im the first officers identical twin brother. MJN Air proud to be a family business. Before we take off, please give me your full attention as I demonstrate the safety procedures aboard this aircraft. MARTIN (full of giggles): You definitely have our full attention, I promise you that! ARTHUR: You look great in my uniform, Douglas! Even the hat! MARTIN (giggling): Especially the hat! CAROLYN (shushing them): Were missing it! DOUGLAS (on the recording): When instructed, place your lifejacket over your head, pass the tapes around your waist and tie securely in a double bow at your side. CAROLYN (giggling): Whats that fruit Im thinking of like a grapefruit, but even bigger and more yellow?! MARTIN (almost incoherent through his laughter): A melon! (They collapse in giggles.) DOUGLAS (on the recording): until you are outside the aircraft. To inflate, pull the red toggle sharply. (Theres a hiss on the recording as Dougies lifejacket inflate s. The viewers cheer.) CAROLYN: Beautifully done, dont you agree, Herc? HERC: Oh, absolutely. Couldnt have done it better myself and under no circumstances would have tried. DOUGLAS (irritably): Yes, can we turn it off now? CAROLYN: No, certainly not. This is the best bit. DOUGLAS (on the recording): There is also a light, and a whistle for attracting attention. CAROLYN (deliberately stilted): But, Dougie, I dont understand. How does the whistle work? (On the recording, Dougie blows the whistle. The viewers cheer in delight.)

SEASON 3 EPISODE 6: St Petersburg

(Bing-bong) CAROLYN (over cabin address): Ladies and gentlemen, we will shortly be landing in St Petersburg. We do hope you enjoyed your visit to Saint-Tropez; and to those of you who managed to find a luxury yacht to your liking, we rejoice at your success. And to those of you who remain tragically un-be-yachted, our hearts go out to you at this difficult time. Oh, and because someone asked me earlier, let me assure you that the cabin crew like to think of ourselves as your hosts and would be insulted to be offered a tip. (Slight pause.) (Bing-bong) DOUGLAS (over cabin address): The pilots, however, like to think of themselves as your pilots. Please slide your insults under the flight deck door. This week, St Petersburg! (Flight deck door opens.) DOUGLAS (a little breathless): Exterior checks completed. MARTIN: That was very quick. DOUGLAS: Yes. Well, at six a.m. in St Petersburg in February, one does not tend to dawdle. Its definitely our plane and the wings are on it thatll do me. Now, Carolyn can I have the keys to the drinks cupboard? I need some vodka. CAROLYN: Why, certainly, Douglas. The perfect pre-flight treat for a man who hasnt drunk for a decade. And can I tempt you with a little heroin to follow? DOUGLAS: Seriously, Carolyn, its important. MARTIN: What on earth do you need vodka for? DOUGLAS: Well, on the walk-round, though brief, I did notice one small problem with the otherwise entirely airworthy plane.

MARTIN: Yes? DOUGLAS: It has an Arthur stuck to the side of it. MARTIN: What? DOUGLAS: Apparently he couldnt open the hold door with his thick gloves on, so he took one off, and now his hand is frozen to the door handle. CAROLYN: Oh, stupid boy! (Jingle of keys as she tosses them to Douglas.) CAROLYN: Here. (Footsteps.) ARTHUR (high-pitched and shivering): Oh, hello, chaps. Glad you came back. Cold, isnt it? CAROLYN: Why vodka, Douglas? Cant you use hot water? DOUGLAS: If you want to encase his hand in ice, yes. Alcohol has a much lower freezing point, so you can use it as a lubricant. (Sound of pouring liquid.) DOUGLAS: There you go, Arthur. ARTHUR (sighing with relief): Ohh. Thank you, Douglas. DOUGLAS: Now, put your glove back on and come inside. CAROLYN: Douglas, this is our best Stolichnaya. DOUGLAS: Mmm. Doesnt it smell good? ARTHUR (his voice muffled by something): Er, Douglas? Small problem. I was tryin to put my glove back on, so I just DOUGLAS: put the keys in your mouth. Of course you did. Carolyn vodka please. MARTIN: Post take-off checks complete. DOUGLAS: Thank you, Martin. (Intercom on.) DOUGLAS (into intercom): How is Arthur? CAROLYN (over intercom): Sore-lipped and accidentally drunk. ARTHUR (drunk and slurring): Should just stop being hurting now. CAROLYN: I can see the next three hours are going to fly by on gilded wings. DOUGLAS: Have fun. (Intercom off.) DOUGLAS: All right, then, Martin. Rhyming Journeys. MARTIN: Hmm? DOUGLAS: Vienna to Siena. MARTIN: Oh, right. Okay (Long pause.) MARTIN: Err DOUGLAS: Poole to Goole. MARTIN: Good one. (Long pause.) MARTIN: Err DOUGLAS: Aruba to Cuba. MARTIN: Oh, give me a chance! Oh! York to New York! DOUGLAS: Yyyess. Ish. Or York to Cork. MARTIN: Oh, damn! All right, um Paris to (murmuring quietly to himself) Baris, Caris, Daris, Faris (Louder) Oh! Or how about Peterborough to (Theres an explosion. Martin cries out in surprise. An alarm starts bleeping insistently.) DOUGLAS: Christ! Engine fire, number two engine. MARTIN: Oh God! Er, engine fire check list, number two engine. DOUGLAS (utterly professional): Engine fire check list, number two engine, Captain. Number two thrust lever? MARTIN: Yes. DOUGLAS: Closed. Number two fuel control switch? MARTIN: Yes, yes! DOUGLAS: Number two fuel control switch to cut-off. Number two fire handle check? MARTIN: Yes! DOUGLAS: Number two fire handle pulled. (The alarm stops bleeping.) DOUGLAS: Number one extinguisher fired, stopwatch started. Fire bell cancelled. MARTIN (into radio): Mayday, mayday. Golf Echo Romeo Tango India, suspected bird strike. We have one

engine on fire. Request immediate return and priority landing St Petersburg. ATC (over radio): Golf Tango India, roger your mayday. Continue as cleared, contact Pulkovo, approach one two four decimal two. MARTIN: Roger. One two four decimal two. ATC: Good luck. DOUGLAS: Fire is out, Captain. One two four decimal two is selected. Martin, do you want me to land it? MARTIN: No. Ill do it. DOUGLAS: Okay. (On the ground, somewhere in the airport) ARTHUR: Here you are, Skip. Nice hot cup of coffee. MARTIN: Oh. (He takes a sip.) Aww! Its cold! ARTHUR: Nice cup of coffee. MARTIN: Its horrible! ARTHUR: Cup of coffee. MARTIN: Im not even sure it is coffee. ARTHUR: Cup. Howre you feeling? MARTIN: Feeling? Feeling. Im feeling, feeling fine. Why-why dyou ask? Im absolutely fine, fine. How-howhow how are you? Sobered up, have you? ARTHUR: Yeah, I have, actually. It turns out a really good cure for being drunk is when youre on a plane and then an engine explodes and you think youre gonna die. MARTIN: You should write in to the British Medical Journal. ARTHUR: We didnt die, though, did we? MARTIN: No. No, no, we didnt. ARTHUR: Because you landed us, brilliantly. MARTIN (laughing softly): Wasnt bad, was it? ARTHUR: It was amazing! Mum and me thought Douglas must have done it. MARTIN: Oh, thanks a lot. ARTHUR: No, but I mean, it was like he did it, but you did it. MARTIN: All right. Thank you. (Approaching footsteps.) DOUGLAS: Martin. MARTIN: Hello. Whats the news? CAROLYN: Bird strike, as we thought. DOUGLAS: A big one. Probably a goose. ARTHUR: Oh no! Is it all right? DOUGLAS: What, the goose? Yes, Arthur, its fine. Itll have a bit of a headache, but a hell of a story for the goslings. ARTHUR: Phew! CAROLYN: The engine, however, is a write-off. MARTIN: Yes, I thought it might be when I noticed that it was on fire. How much? CAROLYN: What, to replace it? Well, about a quarter of a million pounds. (Martin whistles.) MARTIN: Thats a lot. CAROLYN: It is a lot, isnt it? I think it definitely qualifies as a lot. MARTIN: I-I mean presumably were insured? CAROLYN: Oh, yes, up to the hilt for public and passenger liability, so should the gooses lawyers ever track us down and demand restitution, we can pay them off without a second thought. The actual plane, though thats down to me. ARTHUR: Hey! Douglas said the goose was all right! CAROLYN: Yes, well, he lied. Neither goose nor GERTI are all right. So, Im afraid this is it, boys. You know how Im always saying one little thing could be the end of MJN Air? Well, this is one absolutely massive thing and its all over. ARTHUR: But cant we sell GERTI? CAROLYN: Well I hope so. Were gonna have to. ARTHUR: Ah, okay. And then just buy another plane with the money. CAROLYN: No, Arthur! If were very lucky indeed, we might be able to sell GERTI and, with the money, buy an icecream van. ARTHUR: Wow! CAROLYN: Not seriously. (Irritably) Oh, go and get us all coffee. ARTHUR: Right-o! (He walks away.)

MARTIN (quietly): Im Im sorry, Carolyn. CAROLYN (sighing): Well, we had a longer run than anyone expected, and if we had to go, at least this is landing on Mayfair with a hotel. DOUGLAS: So, what now? Can we help? CAROLYN: I dont know. I suppose Ill have to try and find a way of selling an ancient decrepit old plane thats just been badly beaten in a fight with a goose. Anyone got any ideas? MARTIN: I suppose you could sell it for parts. DOUGLAS: Or, theres always CAROLYN (instantly): No. DOUGLAS: Really? CAROLYN: Hes not having it. DOUGLAS: He really wants it. CAROLYN: That is exactly why hes not having it. I am not giving him the satisfaction. MARTIN: Who? DOUGLAS: Every year, Carolyn gets a call from her ex-husband and former owner of GERTI, trying to persuade her to let him buy it back off her. MARTIN: Every year? Why does he want it so much? CAROLYN: He is unbearably rich. It used to be his favourite toy and he hated that I got it in the divorce. Its not that he wants it; he just wants me not to have it. DOUGLAS: Well, the thing is, Carolyn: at the moment, you also want you not to have it. (Approaching footsteps.) ARTHUR: Coffees. Not have what? CAROLYN: GERTI. ARTHUR: Ah, are you still worrying about that? DOUGLAS: Its still nagging at the back of our minds, Arthur, yes. CAROLYN: Arthur, listen to me: Im serious. We are going to have to sell GERTI, straightaway, and we wont be able to buy another plane, so this is the end of MJN Air. ARTHUR: Oh, right. (Nonchalantly) Okay. CAROLYN: What do you mean, okay? This really is going to happen. Do you understand that? ARTHUR: Yeah, but it wont, though, will it? CAROLYN: Why not? ARTHUR: Well, Douglas will sort it out. CAROLYN: How? ARTHUR: I dont know. Hell think of something clever, like he always does. CAROLYN: Yes, but this isnt just a little fiddle over a bottle of wine or a bunch of orchids. Its a quarter of a million pounds. I really dont think he will this time. ARTHUR (grinning): Yes he will. DOUGLAS: Arthur, I wont. Look, no-one has a higher opinion of me than I do, but even I simply do not have the power to conjure up a quarter of a million pounds from nowhere. CAROLYN: So, theres nothing else for it, is there? DOUGLAS: I dont think so. Sorry. And Ive had to put her in a heated hangar, so the longer we wait, the more expensive it gets. CAROLYN: Fine. (She sighs.) Ill call him. MARTIN: Now? Its still five in the morning in Britain. CAROLYN: Oh yes. Well, thats something. (She walks away.) ARTHUR: Whos she calling? DOUGLAS: Your dad. ARTHUR (anxiously): What? Dad? Why? MARTIN: Well, we think hes our best chance of selling GERTI. ARTHUR: No! No, he cant have GERTI. DOUGLAS: Why not? ARTHUR: He just shouldnt have her. A-and anyway, then we wouldnt have her. DOUGLAS: Arthur, we keep telling you: we cant afford to fix her. ARTHUR (irritably): Yes, but I keep telling you: youll do something clever and itll be all right. MARTIN: Whats he like, then Mr. Shappey? DOUGLAS: I dont know. Ive never met him either. Whats he like, Arthur? ARTHUR: Ooh, hes, errr Hes, errr Hes, errr DOUGLAS: Good Lord, Martin, I think youve broken him. ARTHUR: No-no-no its just that hes, errrrr Hes, errr DOUGLAS: I think I think what we may be witnessing here is Arthur attempting to descr ibe something with an adjective other than brilliant.

ARTHUR: Yeah, no-no, I-I wouldnt say he was br I mean, obviously everyones br (He pauses momentarily.)No, hes not brilliant. Hes, errr hes all right. MARTIN: God! DOUGLAS: Yes. MARTIN: He must be awful! (Approaching footsteps.) CAROLYN: Ive spoken to him. Hes coming straight here. MARTIN: What, now? CAROLYN: Yes. Hes flying himself over in his private jet. Hell be here in about three hours. MARTIN: God, at least hes keen. CAROLYN: Oh yes, hes keen. ARTHUR (anxiously): Dads coming here, now? CAROLYN: Yes. ARTHUR (getting more panic stricken): Oh. Okay. Right. Okay. What shall I do? Shall I get him a present? What does he like? Ill get him a present. I-I-Ill get something from the duty free. CAROLYN: You dont need to get him a present, Arthur. ARTHUR: No, no, of course not. Stupid, stupid. Although, I might anyway, er, just to be sure. A TOBLERONE! I can get him a Toblerone! Brilliant! Problem solved! Dont panic, well be fine. Its a ll right. Okay, Ill go and get one now! MARTIN: But he wont be here for three hours! ARTHUR: Yeah, but, still, though, er, good to have it all ready in advance. Okay, bye! (He hurries away.) DOUGLAS: Good lord. MARTIN: Ive never seen him like that. CAROLYN: Thats his dad for you. All right, you two scram as well. Get some lunch on the company card. MARTIN: Really?! CAROLYN: Well, you did land a plane on one engine. That deserves a treat. DOUGLAS: Excellent! Well, I think I saw a sushi place CAROLYN: No, I meant at the crew canteen. You can have sushi when you land it on no engines. (In the canteen; cutlery scraping on plates) MARTIN (with his mouth full): Oh, Ive got a good one. DOUGLAS: Oh yes? MARTIN: Yup. Lublin to Dublin. DOUGLAS: Ooh, close. Im afraid its pronounced looblin. MARTIN (exasperated): Oh for goodness sake. Looblin to Dooblin? DOUGLAS: You can have it if you like. MARTIN: No. DOUGLAS: Lisbon to Brisbane? MARTIN: Yes, very good. Er Okay, Kent to now, you have to trust me, but Im pretty sure theres a place near where we used to camp in Wales called Llent. DOUGLAS: Fair enough. Kent to Llent. And of course we could go via Brent and Gwent and Stoke -onTrent. MARTIN (irritably): Oh, yes, all right. How was your soggy brown thing? DOUGLAS: It lived up to its promise. How was your bowl of grey? MARTIN: About the same. Do you think shes really going to sell it to him? DOUGLAS: I think shed better. No-one else is going to buy it. MARTIN: Right, so youre actually not DOUGLAS: What? MARTIN: Nothing. Just You really dont have a secret plan up your sleeve? DOUGLAS: Oh, Martin, not you as well. No, I really dont. MARTIN: No-no-no, I didnt think you did. Just checking, thats all. (Approaching footsteps.) GORDON (Australian accent): Scuse us, are these taken? (A chair scrapes as he pulls it out from the table.) MARTIN: Er, no, no. GORDON: Ah, great. Thanks, mate. Im Gordon. This is Tommo. TOMMO (Australian accent): All right? DOUGLAS: Martin, Douglas. GORDON: Nice to meet you. You flying in or flying out? MARTIN: Well, er, neither, really. Were sort of staying put. GORDON: Oh, right. What for?

DOUGLAS: Mainly the cuisine. GORDON: Ah! Ah, God, yeah! Im pretty sure this steak remembers Stalin! (They laugh.) MARTIN: How about you? GORDON: Ah, just got in. Bloody hell the crosswind, eh? Hairiest landing weve had for years, wasnt it, Tommo? TOMMO: Yep. GORDON: So, did you ? (Approaching footsteps.) CAROLYN: Well, this is cosy. GORDON: Ah. CAROLYN: Are we all getting on terribly well? MARTIN: Oh, hello, Carolyn. Er, this is Gordon. CAROLYN: Yes, weve met before, in fact. Hello, Gordon. How necessary to see you. MARTIN: Oh! GORDON: Hi there, Carolyn. Are these boys your crew, then? Hi, guys. Gordon Shappey CAROLYN: Dont shake his hand. DOUGLAS: Carolyn! CAROLYN: Fine, all right. GORDON: Good to meet you. So, you must be Captain Crieff. MARTIN: No, I yes! How did you know? GORDON: Well, the captains hat is a bit of a giveaway. DOUGLAS: Youd be surprised. GORDON: Oh, Carolyn, this is Tom. Hes my chief engineer. TOMMO: All right? GORDON: I brought him and his boys with me so they can have a look over the old girl. CAROLYN: Absolutely not. GORDON: Well, you know they kinda have to, so I know exactly whats wrong with her. CAROLYN: The only thing wrong with her as I told you on the phone is that we used one of her engines to make a goose smoothie. Otherwise she is fine. GORDON: I-I mean I cant really buy a plane without Tommo giving it the once-over, can I? TOMMO: No. DOUGLAS: Carolyn, that is reasonable. CAROLYN: Fine. If you must. GORDON: Great! Okay, so Ill give you a call in a few hours when theyre done. So, lets take a look at the poor old girl. You ready, Tommo? TOMMO: Yep. DOUGLAS: Follow me, gentlemen. (The three of them get up and walk away.) MARTIN: He didnt seem too bad. CAROLYN: Oh, didnt he? You took a shine to him, did you, Martin? MARTIN (hurriedly): No, no, not at all. No, he didnt seem too bad but he obviously is awful. DOUGLAS: Guildford to Ilford. MARTIN: Hong Kong to (Long pause.) MARTIN: itself? DOUGLAS: You mean, from Hong to Kong? MARTIN: No, forget it. (Approaching footsteps.) MARTIN: Oh, hello, Carolyn. Any news? CAROLYN (sighing): No. MARTIN: What are they doing out there? DOUGLAS: I cant imagine. Theres simply not enough engineering in GERTI to spend four hours looking at. Apart from the engines, shes mostly gaffer tape and string. (More approaching footsteps.) ARTHUR (morosely): Hi, guys. DOUGLAS: Oh dear. Still no luck? CAROLYN: Whats the matter? DOUGLAS: Alas, an exhaustive search of St Petersburg airport duty free has yet to turn up anything in the shape of a Toblerone. ARTHUR: Triangular.

DOUGLAS: Yes. ARTHUR: I dont understand it. Ive never been to an airport that didnt have Toblerones. I mean, okay, sometimes they dont have the white ones or the black ones, but not even to have the normal ones! MARTIN: So, Arthur, Ive just realised: youre half Australian. ARTHUR: Yeah! CAROLYN: Technically. DOUGLAS: That certainly explains a lot about the relentless cheeriness. ARTHUR: Yeah. (He goes into an appallingly bad Australian accent.) ARTHUR: And its also why I can do such a good Orstralian accint! DOUGLAS: Two things, Arthur: Australian accents arent genetic; and you cant do one. ARTHUR (still in the dreadful accent): Well, youre entitled to your opinion, sport! CAROLYN: Arthur! ARTHUR (normal accent): Sorry. Also its good because it means I can play cricket for either England or Australia, whichever need me. MARTIN: Can you play cricket? ARTHUR: Dont know. Ive never tried. DOUGLAS: Arthur, youre almost thirty. Dont you think youre leaving it a little late to embark upon your career as an international sportsman? ARTHUR: Not really. Shane Warne is forty-one. MARTIN: Yes, but hes retired. I mean, thats like saying Geoffrey Boycotts in his seventies. ARTHUR: You see? Well there you are, then. (Carolyns phone trills a text alert.) CAROLYN: Ah-ha! Gordons finally finished. Hell meet us in the office in half an hour. ARTHUR: Oh no! I still havent got him anything! CAROLYN: Arthur, you really dont need to ARTHUR (running off): Yeah, Ill meet you there! CAROLYN: Ready? MARTIN: Were ready. DOUGLAS: Yes. CAROLYN: Arthur? ARTHUR (in a plaintive whimper): Yeah. CAROLYN: All right. (She calls out.) You can come in. GORDON (opening the door): Hi, guys. Hello, Arthur. ARTHUR (anxiously): Hi! Hi, hi, er, Dad. (He laughs.) Er, thats not funny thats who you are. Hi. Er, um, I-I got you something. They didnt have any Toblerones, incredibly, so I got you some gin, because its called Gordons gin and youre called Gordon! So whenever you want to know which gin is yours, itll be the one with your name on it! And a-a-and whenever you want to know what your name is, itll be written on your gin. GORDON: Well, that was a very nice thought, Arthur. Thank you. ARTHUR (almost breathless with nerves): Youre welcome! CAROLYN: So, have your henchmen had a good look round now? Theyve been out there long enough. GORDON: Engineers, rather than henchmen, and yes, Im sorry it took so long. CAROLYN: I should think so. GORDON: You see, I gave them a couple of notebooks and asked them to take a note of everything that was wrong with her. After two hours they said they were gonna need more time; after three they said they were gonna need more notebooks. So hence my very generous offer to you now of five hundred pounds. CAROLYN: What?! Oh, oh, I see, and youll take on all MJNs debts. GORDON: No, no, sweet of you to offer to throw them in but no. I meant Id give you five hundred pounds and you give me GERTI. CAROLYN: Five hundred pounds? It is an aeroplane, not a second-hand Ford Fiesta! A hundred thousand pounds and there is no room for negotiation. GORDON: All right, bye. (He gets up from his chair.) CAROLYN: Its no good going through all this charade with me, Gordon. Remember: I know how fast you scrambled to get out here. Ive seen how eager youve been to buy it all these years. I know how much you want it. GORDON: Oh yeah, I want it. And you know why I want it? CAROLYN: Yes! You want it out of spite because you hate the fact I got it in the divorce. GORDON: No, no, no. Oh, wait yes. Thats exactly why. And not so much that you took it off me, even though you couldnt fly the bloody thing; not even that you then used it to play airlines with one pilot who

failed his CPL four times (Martin squeaks indignantly.) GORDON: and one who got thrown out of Air England for having sticky fingers. Yeah, Ive looked you up. No, its just because you called your airline My Jet Now. As soon as I heard that, I said to Hayley she sends her love, by the way, though obviously she doesnt mean it Right, I said, Im having that back off her. And you know what Im gonna do with it? Im gonna break it up for parts and sell the rest as scrap except for the tail fin. That Im gonna ship back to England and hang above my mantelpiece after, of course, Ive re-sprayed it NYBJAMS Not Your Bloody Jet Any More, Sweetheart. So, me and the guys are going to a hotel now. Ill be back in this office nine oclock tomorrow morning. Either youre there and you take five hundred quid for it, like you know you have to, or youre not and I fly home happy in the knowledge that youre shafted. (Scraping of a chair as he stands up.) ARTHUR: Dad? GORDON: What? ARTHUR: Youve forgotten your gin. GORDON: I dont drink cheap gin. You keep that. (The door opens and closes. Theres a long silence.) DOUGLAS: And yet you say the marriage wasnt a success? (In a taxi.) ARTHUR: You promise? You absolutely promise? CAROLYN: Of course were not going to sell it to him. After that? We can have it broken up for parts ourselves, if it comes to that. DOUGLAS: Yes. Odd he didnt realise that. CAROLYN: He just wanted the satisfaction of making his little speech, thats all. He never wanted the plane. DOUGLAS: But you always said he desperately wanted the plane. CAROLYN: Well, clearly I was wrong. Now, Douglas as soon as we get to the motel, I want you to help me write my little speech for tomorrow morning. MARTIN: What about me? CAROLYN: Well, all right you too, but I want it to be unbearably superior and snide, so obviously Douglas is my primary source. Douglas, what are you doing? DOUGLAS: Im just checking the taxis not being followed. MARTIN: Why? DOUGLAS: So we can turn it round and go back to the airport. CAROLYN: Why? DOUGLAS: Oh, just on a whim. (Footsteps.) DOUGLAS: And through here. (Doors open.) MARTIN: So we are going to GERTIs hangar. DOUGLAS: Maybe. CAROLYN: Oh, for Gods sake. Just tell us whats going on. DOUGLAS: Isnt it obvious? CAROLYN: I will punch you, Douglas. I will literally punch you on the nose. DOUGLAS: Well, ask yourself why if he wants it so much he made you an offer youd obviously never accept; why it took his engineers so long to check her over; and, of course, why he manipulated you into letting him book the office in MJNs name. CAROLYN: This isnt telling us, Douglas this is aggravated not telling us. DOUGLAS: All right. He never wanted to buy her. Hes going to steal her. MARTIN: What?! No hes not. DOUGLAS: No, hes not now, granted, but hes going to try. CAROLYN: But he cant. DOUGLAS: Yes he can. Hes qualified to fly her, hell have door keys from when he used t o own her, and since the airport now thinks hes part of MJN, theyre hardly going to stop him paying our bills or filing a flight plan. MARTIN: But her engines broken. DOUGLAS: I bet you a fiver its not. And (The door to the hangar squeaks open.) DOUGLAS: Ah. Ive won a fiver. You see? Thats what his engineers were up to. Its like the story of the old shoemaker. I forget the finer details, but I believe it concerns an old shoemaker who left a knackered old aeroplane in his workshop overnight and then magical mice or it may have been pixies came along and

bolted a new engine to it. CAROLYN: Then why are we here? Why arent we at the airport managers office, or -or-or the police? DOUGLAS: Oh, I think we can keep this in the family. All we need to sort him out for ourselves is a camera, a spanner, the asbestos gloves from the galley and, most of all, this. (Clink of a bottle of alcohol.) CAROLYN: Cheddar to Jeddah. DOUGLAS: Nice! MARTIN (quietly to himself): Firmingham Girmingham Vlermingham DOUGLAS: From Troon to the moon. (The sat comm bleeps.) DOUGLAS (into sat comm): Arthur? ARTHUR (secretively, over sat comm): Yes, hullo, its me. Hes just passed me. Hes going towards the hangar. DOUGLAS: Well done, Arthur. Stay where you are and keep watch. Well come and get you later. (Sat comm off.) DOUGLAS: Okay, hes coming. Martin. MARTIN: Hmm? DOUGLAS: You hide in the back of the cabin; Ill hide in the loo; and you, Carolyn, you get to hide in the flight deck locker. CAROLYN: Im not getting in there! DOUGLAS: I promise you itll be worth it. (The hangar door squeaks loudly.) DOUGLAS: Quickly! Thats the hangar door. (Gordon unlocks GERTIs door.) GORDON (into his phone): No, Tommo, youre still breaking up. Can you hear me now? TOMMO (over phone): Yep. GORDON: Well, I said she can try, Tom, but theres plenty of evidence that she invited me here to negotiate a sale. If I say we did a cash deal, shes gonna need a lot of lawyers to prove otherwise, and shes broke. Okay, Im in the plane. Better go. (Radio on.) GORDON: Tower, this is Golf Tango India. Dyou have my flight plan in the system yet? ATC: Golf Tango India, yes, we do. Cleared to taxi to runway two eight left. GORDON: Right. Here we go. (He immediately cries out in pain. Carolyn opens the locker door.) CAROLYN: Everything all right, Gordon? GORDON: My hands! What the hell have you done? CAROLYN: Oh dear, that does look nasty. Douglas! Could you come in here a minute? (Flight deck door opens.) DOUGLAS: Certainly, Carolyn. What can I do for you? (Gordon groans in pain.) DOUGLAS: Oh, hello, Gordon. Look at you there, sitting in someone elses aircraft with your hands on the control column, for all the world like you were about to steal it. I might get a picture of that. (He takes a picture.) DOUGLAS: And another. Dont take your hands away. (He takes another picture.) GORDON: I cant take my hands away! Theyre stuck to it! What have you done? What the hell have you done? DOUGLAS: What, to the metal casing of the control column? Nothing really just unbolted it, took it out of the hangar, left it in the minus-nineteen degree cold for twenty minutes, carried it back in with asbestos gloves, reattached it. Why? Do you find you have rather sticky fingers? GORDON: Get me off it! Get me off it! My fingers are burning! DOUGLAS: Yes, they will do that at first. (Gordon whimpers.) DOUGLAS: Dont worry, though theyll go numb soon, and eventually, of course, drop off. GORDON (frantically): Get me off it! CAROLYN: Nothing easier. All we need is some alcohol low freezing point, you see. Now, do you have any alcohol on you? GORDON: No! DOUGLAS: Funny I could have sworn I saw Arthur give you some. Well, lets see if we can rustle something up for you.

(Gordon groans.) DOUGLAS: Martin! MARTIN (coming into the flight deck): Yes, Douglas? Can I help? DOUGLAS: Mr. Shappey finds he has use for some alcohol. Do you happen to have his bottle of gin? MARTIN: Right here, Douglas! I know its his, because its got his name on it. Have you decided youd like i t after all, Mr. Shappey? GORDON: Give me it here! MARTIN: Certainly. And, er, whats your present for him? GORDON: What? MARTIN: Its usual to exchange presents, isnt it? What have you got for Arthur? GORDON: Nothing! MARTIN: Oh dear. How embarrassing for you. DOUGLAS: Oh! I know! Why dont you give him the engine youve just had bolted onto this aircrafts wing? CAROLYN: Oh, yes! He loves engines! What a thoughtful gift! GORDON (desperately): Yes, fine, all right! DOUGLAS: You freely give before God and the cabin voice recorder Arthur Shappey the starboard engine of this aircraft in exchange for this bottle of gin? GORDON: Yes! Now pour it over me! CAROLYN: With pleasure. (Liquid splashes over Gordon. He gurgles.) GORDON: Over my hands! CAROLYN: Whoops! (More liquid splashes over Gordon. He groans as his hands come free.) CAROLYN: Better? Good! And now, Gordon GORDON (angrily): What? CAROLYN: Get off My Jet Now! (Footsteps along tarmac.) MARTIN: Okay: Porthcawl to Montreal. DOUGLAS: Martin! Thats a perfect one! Well done! MARTIN: Via Donegal! CAROLYN: Yes! MARTIN: And the Albert Hall! DOUGLAS: Oh, bravo! How long have you been secretly working on that? MARTIN: Er all day. CAROLYN: Well, it was worth it! (They stop walking.) DOUGLAS: Ah. Behold the ever-vigilant watchdog! MARTIN (affectionately): Ahh. Seems a shame to wake him. DOUGLAS: No it doesnt. I want to go home. CAROLYN (sing-song): Arthur. ARTHUR (waking up): Mmm? CAROLYN (sing-song): Its time to go home, dear. ARTHUR: Oh, right. How are we doing that? CAROLYN: In GERTI. ARTHUR: Oh yeah? Shes fixed, is she? CAROLYN: Yes. ARTHUR: And you didnt have to pay for it. CAROLYN: No. ARTHUR: So MJN can carry on as normal? CAROLYN: Yes. ARTHUR: Okay. Good. CAROLYN: Arent you interested in how all that happened? ARTHUR: Did Douglas do something clever and now everythings fine? DOUGLAS: Yes. ARTHUR: There you are, then. Exactly what I said all along. I wish you lot would listen to me sometimes!

SEASON 4 EPISODE 1: Timbuktu

This week, Timbuktu!

MARTIN: Do take your time, Douglas. Still everything to play for. (Gleefully) Im only twenty-six points ahead of your three points! (He giggles.) But-but I have every confidence youre about to come roaring back! DOUGLAS: Yes, all right. MARTIN: But I am gonna have to press you for an answer, Im afraid. DOUGLAS (sulkily): I dont know. At twenty thousand feet, I suppose about two hundred knots? MARTIN: Ooh, what a pity! Its a lovely guess, but Im afraid the answer on the card was two hundred a nd four knots! I win again! So thats Martin on twenty-nine; Douglas oh! Still on three (he chuckles) as we head into round two. DOUGLAS: That was one round?! MARTIN: Oh, dont worry, dont worry. Round twos much more fun. We say a fond farewell to the flight manual DOUGLAS: Thank God. MARTIN: and we welcome instead our very good friend the operations manual! DOUGLAS (protesting): No! No, Im sorry, Im done. MARTIN: No-no, fairs fair, Douglas. You promised if I joined in with Flight Deck Buckar oo, I could pick the next game. DOUGLAS: But I hate this game! MARTIN: Yes, and I hate Flight Deck Buckaroo. DOUGLAS: How can you hate Flight Deck Buckaroo? Its a terrific game! And its educational. MARTIN: There is nothing educational about seeing who can disable the most instruments without setting off the recorded warning. DOUGLAS: Yes there is! You find out all the things you dont really need! Like altimeters. MARTIN: No, this is educational. So, welcome to round two of Beat the Manuals! (Flight deck door opens.) ARTHUR: Hello, chaps. Any teas or coffees? DOUGLAS: Oh, thank God! ARTHUR: Oh. Sorry, Douglas, you should have rung. MARTIN: Actually, were fine, Arthur. We-well be landing in twenty minutes. ARTHUR: Oh, right-o. Oh, and a message from Mum. Er, she says how long until we land? DOUGLAS: Right. (Flight deck door opens again.) CAROLYN: Drivers, how long til we land? ARTHUR: Im asking them, Mum! CAROLYN: Not quickly enough. MARTIN: Weve just started the descent, Carolyn, so about twenty minutes? CAROLYN: Excellent. Now, Douglas, I am having lunch with Herc. Can you give Arthur a lift home? DOUGLAS: Sorry. Happy though I always am to pick up the pieces around your hectic love life, Im afraid as soon as we land Im driving to Twickenham. Ive got tickets for the rugby World Cup final. ARTHUR: Cup final? But doesnt that mean its Birling Day? MARTIN: Oh, Carolyn. Havent you told him? ARTHUR: Told me what? MARTIN: Arthur, there isnt going to be a Birling Day this year. ARTHUR (high-pitched in indignation): What?! Why not?! MARTIN: Because this year the final is in Twickenham. ARTHUR: Well, so? CAROLYN: So, Mr. Birling lives in Sussex. To get to Fitton he would have to drive through Twickenham; and while he certainly has more money than sense, I dont think anyone has that much more. ARTHUR (disappointed): Oh, no. I love Birling Day. MARTIN: Me too. DOUGLAS: Do you? MARTIN: Well, no, but I could do with the money. DOUGLAS: True. And I wouldnt say no to a free bottle of Talisker. CAROLYN: The bottles of expensive whisky I provide for Mr. Birlings exclusive use are not free, Douglas. They are stolen from me. DOUGLAS: And therefore free to me. MARTIN (into radio): Fitton Tower, this is Golf Echo Romeo Tango India established on the ILS. FITTON ATC (over radio): Ello, ello, is it a bird, is it a plane? No! Its oh, no wait, it is technically a plane. DOUGLAS: Hello, Karl. MARTIN: Fitton Tower, please confine air traffic communications to standard phraseology. KARL: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wind two eighty at eight; Runway three-six clear to land; all the usual jazz. MARTIN: Roger. Clear to land, three-six. KARL: So-o-o, did you have a lovely time in Luton?

DOUGLAS: How could one not? Its a palace of pleasure. MARTIN: I mean, seriously, youre really not meant to just chat on this thing! KARL: Sorry, Martin. Oh! One last thing, though: did any of you order a furious posh man? MARTIN: What? KARL: Only ones arrived for you very cross, very drunk. Phil poured him into your Departure Hut. CAROLYN: Lounge. KARL: Sorry: Lounge. Anyway, hope you like him! Ta-ra! (Radio off.) CAROLYN: That-that sounds like Mr. Birling! DOUGLAS: It does rather, doesnt it? By the way, cabin crew, prepare for landing. ARTHUR: Oh, right, Ill go and (Sound of GERTIs tyres squealing as she touches down and brakes.) DOUGLAS: Too late. (Portacabin door opens.) CAROLYN: Mr. Birling! MR. BIRLING (very drunk and slurring): Ah-ha! There you are at last. CAROLYN: What are you doing here? MR. BIRLING: What am I doing here? The question is: what were you doing not being here (he mumbles incoherently) before now, eh? CAROLYN: But were not expecting you. You-you-you dont have a booking. MR. BIRLING: Booking?! Dont need a booking! Where else are you lot gonna be on another job? CAROLYN: Well, yes. MR. BIRLING: Dont be silly. Now then now youre finally here, listen. Err, Timbuktu. CAROLYN: What about it? MR. BIRLING: Is-is it a real place? CAROLYN: Yes! MR. BIRLING: Ah! Told you so, stupid woman! CAROLYN: I beg your pardon? MR. BIRLING: I didnt mean youre a stupid woman, you silly woman. I mean my awful wife. Have you met my awful wife? CAROLYN: I have met your wife, certainly. MR. BIRLING: Well, thatll be the awful one. Ive only got one. I may be a fool, but Im not a damned fool. CAROLYN: No, Im sure youre not. MR. BIRLING: And anyway, Im not a fool. I knew where Timbuktu was, didnt I? CAROLYN: Did you? MR. BIRLING: Well, I knew it was somewhere. Thats the point I knew it wasnt made-up like some people thought it was, naming no wives. Well, where is it, anyway? China or somewhere stupid? CAROLYN: Its in Mali, in the middle of Africa, on the edge of the Sahara. MR. BIRLING: God, is it? How ghastly. Well, cant be helped. I want you to fly me there. CAROLYN: To Timbuktu? Why? MR. BIRLING: Firstly, none of your business; secondly, to watch the rugby. CAROLYN: But the rugby is in Twickenham. MR. BIRLING: I know the rugbys in Twickenham. I told my awful wife it was in Twickenham and she said I had to stay and see her awful friends when they came round for her awful thing. And I said I wouldnt, and she said I must, and I said I wouldnt, and she said I must, and I said I wouldnt CAROLYN: Yes, I believe Ive picked up the ebb and flow of the debate. MR. BIRLING: And in the end she said I could watch it in Timbuktu for all she cares. So Im going to. CAROLYN: Youre going to fly to Timbuktu to spite your wife? MR. BIRLING: Thats the idea, yeah, yeah. Fly to Timbuktu, take a picture to show awful wife whos bos s, i.e. me, I am, find bar in airport, cheer on Wales to glorious victory over the Eyeties, get drunk, fly home. CAROLYN: Well, I can ask the crew if they would be willing to consider giving up their day off to, er MR. BIRLING: Oh, cant we skip all that? Ill give em a couple of grand each and pay you double whatever you were gonna charge. CAROLYN (instantly): We should be ready to leave within the hour, sir. CAROLYN: All right, how are we doing? Where are the others? DOUGLAS: Fine. Martins panically filing a flight plan, and Ive sent Arthur into Fitton to buy a book about Timbuktu. CAROLYN: What on earth for? DOUGLAS: Hes in a helpful mood. CAROLYN: Yes, but why do you need a book?

DOUGLAS: I dont. I need a temporary absence of Arthur in a helpful mood. And I have just given away a ticket to watch the Cup Final in Twickenham in order that I can fly two and a half thousand miles to the heart of Africa and watch it there. CAROLYN (fake sympathetically): Oh, dear. Did the poor little pilot have to fly an aeroplane? (More sternly)Youre getting paid, arent you, plus an enormous tip? DOUGLAS: I know, I know. And a bottle of Talisker. CAROLYN: No. Not a bottle of Talisker. DOUGLAS: Well see, shall we? CAROLYN: No. I mean there wont be any Talisker to steal. I have to order in the twenty-five year old stuff specially, and theres no time. DOUGLAS: Oh. Well, in that case, perhaps I can help. I happen to have a few spare bottles knocking about for some reason. CAROLYN (hesitantly, reluctantly): Oh. Well. That would be very useful. Thank you. DOUGLAS: Shall we say two hundred pounds a bottle? CAROLYN: What?! No! Im not paying you for the whisky you stole from me in the first place! (Portacabin door opens.) MARTIN: Guys, theres a problem. CAROLYN: Then solve it. MARTIN: I cant solve it. CAROLYN: Have you tried to solve it? MARTIN: No. CAROLYN: Then you dont know if you can solve it, do you? MARTIN: Theres a civil war in Mali. So Timbuktus closed to all air traffic. CAROLYN: Right. So you cant solve it. MARTIN: Thank you. CAROLYN: Douglas, can you solve it? DOUGLAS: I appreciate your faith, Carolyn, but I Im not sure even I can broker a peace deal in a civil war. Not in time for kick-off, anyway. CAROLYN: Fine. I knew it was too good to be true. Whos going to tell Birling? MARTIN: Wait! Hang on we cant just give up! CAROLYN: Well, youre the one who said it was insolvable. MARTIN: By me, not by you two. There must be something we can do. (He sighs.) Oh, I could really use that two thousand quid. DOUGLAS: I know, I know, but what can we do? MARTIN: Well, I dont I dont suppose I dont suppose theres anywhere thats a bit like Timbuktu? CAROLYN: What, dyou mean also famous for being far away? MARTIN: No-no-no, I didnt mean that. I mean, like, it as in looks like it, a bit, if you didnt really know much about Timbuktu. CAROLYN (surprised): Martin?! DOUGLAS (impressed): Martin! MARTIN: No, I know, I know, I didnt mean it. Im just Im just trying to, you know, come up with ideas. DOUGLAS: No, Martin! Thats inspired! MARTIN: Is it? DOUGLAS: Youre a genius! An unexpectedly evil genius! CAROLYN: You mean you know somewhere that we could DOUGLAS: Oh, plenty of places! Theres a little airfield on the island of Sardinia, for instance Guspini. Itsperfect! Its on the edge of the second biggest desert in Europe, and the chap who runs it is an old friend of mine. MARTIN: Of course he is(!) DOUGLAS: Couple of hundred Euros and Im sure hell be only too pleased to be Timbuktuan for an ho ur or two.Three hundred and the engineers can probably knock up a Welcome to Timbuktu sign. MARTIN: No, but thats fraud! DOUGLAS (smugly): Isnt it, though? Thats why Im so delighted you suggested it. MARTIN: I didnt mean I-I wasnt seriously DOUGLAS: Oh, dont spoil it! CAROLYN: Douglas, look: its a nice idea, but we cannot possibly DOUGLAS: Look, Birlings always roaring drunk by the time we land anyway, and all he wants is a room to watch the rugby in and a sign saying, Welcome to Timbuktu , both of which Sardinia can provide and neither of which, incidentally, Timbuktu can provide. CAROLYN: But wont he be a bit suspicious that everyone speaks Italian? DOUGLAS: Why would he be? Mali was under Italian rule for decades. MARTIN: Oh. Was it?

DOUGLAS: Of course not. But if you didnt know that, why would he? Its a great idea, honestly! I dont know whether Im more proud of you for thinking of it, or worried that I didnt. CAROLYN: I-I suppose if we got him really drunk DOUGLAS: Thats the spirit! And, of course, thats where the twenty-five year old Talisker will come in so handy. MARTIN: Oh, no, please, you two no Talisker stuff! Not if were actually gonna do this. DOUGLAS: Would you care to take one bottle, madam, or two? (Flight deck door opens.) ARTHUR: Hi, chaps. Isnt this exciting? Ive always wanted to go to Timbuktu. It sounds brilliant like a cross between a DOUGLAS: No, wait. Let me guess. A cockatoo, obviously ARTHUR: Yes, yeah. DOUGLAS: and, um, errr no, I give up. ARTHUR: and my friend Tim Buckley! DOUGLAS: Of course! Silly of me! ARTHUR: Oh, and I, er, I found that book you wanted, Douglas. DOUGLAS: What book? ARTHUR: About Timbuktu. DOUGLAS: Oh, right. Yes, well, you hang on to that for now. ARTHUR: Oh, okay. Its about all of Africa really, but theres a chapter on Mali and a page on Timbuktu. Ive nearly finished it. MARTIN: The book? ARTHUR: The page. It sounds amazing. I cant wait to see it! MARTIN: Yes, but, Arthur, has no-one told you? Were not actually going to DOUGLAS (interrupting): to see much of Timbuktu. I mean, its straight out, watch the rugby in the airport, and back again. ARTHUR: Well, yeah, but I bet at least I see some camels. DOUGLAS: How much do you bet? MARTIN (quietly): Douglas. DOUGLAS: Never mind. Er, hadnt you better go away and hoover something? ARTHUR: Not really. Were all ready to go. DOUGLAS: Fine. Then go away and hoover nothing. ARTHUR: Right-o! (He leaves.) MARTIN: So were not telling him about ? DOUGLAS: What with him being the worst liar we know, I thought perhaps not. MARTIN: Mmm. (Flight deck door opens.) CAROLYN: All right, hes in. Do the briefing, Martin. MARTIN (looking at paperwork): Right. Destination is Guspini, code named Timbuktu. For the avoidance of doubt, crew should note that any time Timbuktu is referred to, Guspini is meant. DOUGLAS: Yes. I believe were up to speed with the deception. MARTIN: In the unlikely circumstance the actual Timbuktu is referred to, the name is to be repeated twice. DOUGLAS: How dyou mean? MARTIN: Timbuktu-Timbuktu. DOUGLAS: means Guspini. MARTIN: No! Timbuktu means Guspini; Timbuktu-Timbuktu means Timbuktu. DOUGLAS: Oh, I see. But you only repeated it once. MARTIN: I didnt. I said Timbuktu-Timbuktu. DOUGLAS: Exactly. You said it, and then you repeated it. If youd repeated it twice, youd have said, Timbuktu-Timbuktu-Timbuktu. (Martin groans.) CAROLYN: Yes, excuse me, but Im trying to run an airline here, not an owl sanctuary. Get on with it! MARTIN: All right. The alternate is Palermo, code named Ouagadougou. DOUGLAS: And if the real Ouagadougou is meant? MARTIN: I really cant imagine circumstances under which well need to refer to the real Ouagadougou. DOUGLAS: All right, but a good pilot is prepared for any eventuality, however MARTIN: ALL RIGHT! The code for the real Ouagadougou is Ouagadougou-Ouagadougou. DOUGLAS: Thank God were not going to Baden-Baden.

(In flight.) ARTHUR: Er, Mr. B? MR. BIRLING: Go away. ARTHUR: Yeah, will do. Er, but first, can myself draw yourselfs kindly attention to the sign that the captain has kindly en-illuminated in regard to the fastenation of your seatbelt during the current highly-unlikely event of turbulence? MR. BIRLING: What? ARTHUR: Could you do your seatbelt up? MR. BIRLING: Certainly not! Do I look like a girl? ARTHUR: You dont at all look like a girl. MR. BIRLING: Well then. ARTHUR: Okay, well, it doesnt really matter CAROLYN (calling from some distance away): Arthur! ARTHUR: Right, yes, sorry, it does really matter these days. MR. BIRLING: Since when? ARTHUR: Since Mum said so. CAROLYN (coming closer): Is there some problem, Mr. Birling? MR. BIRLING: I dont want my seatbelt on. CAROLYN: Oh dear. Still, into every life a little rain must fall. (Click.) MR. BIRLING: Did you just CAROLYN: And now, to console you for your tragedy, can I get you a drink? MR. BIRLING: Oh, well, um, perhaps a small whisky? CAROLYN: By all means. Macallans, Johnnie Walker, or Glenlivet? MR. BIRLING: What about my special whisky the Talisker 25? CAROLYN: Ah, yes. Im afraid this trip was at such short notice, we didnt have the chance to buy that in. ARTHUR: Ooh, Mum CAROLYN: Er, thank you, Arthur. Not now. MR. BIRLING (angrily): What?! You realise the only reason I fly on your toy aeroplane is that you carry the whisky I like! ARTHUR: Yeah, really, Mum, its important. CAROLYN: Thank you, Arthur. Code Red. MR. BIRLING: Youre not the only people who could take me to Timbuktu, you know. CAROLYN: Youd be surprised. ARTHUR: Mum, I really think on this occasion, I-I should over-ride the Code Red! Because youre forgetting that Douglas CAROLYN (loudly): Code Red, Arthur. Go away, go away fast, and go away now. ARTHUR: Right, yes, will do, yeah. CAROLYN: I will talk to you in the galley. ARTHUR (nervously): No-no, you dont have to. Its fine I get it now. CAROLYN (firmly): No, I will talk to you in the galley. ARTHUR (plaintively): Okay. CAROLYN: Right. First of all, you never over-rule a Code Red. ARTHUR: No, I know, Mum. Im sorry. CAROLYN (sternly): Yes. Why do you never over-rule a Code Red? ARTHUR (sighing): Because the Code Red is there to stop me when Im being too helpful, and I cant stop being too helpful by being more helpful. CAROLYN: Exactly. Good! ARTHUR: Yes, but this time I wasnt being too helpful! Its just, Mr. Birling wanted the Talisker, and we want him to be happy, and youd forgotten Douglas brought some Talisker in case you needed it! CAROLYN: I hadnt forgotten, Arthur. That is not why I asked him to bring it. ARTHUR: Why, then? CAROLYN: Because today, Arthur, is the Birling Day I steal the Talisker from Douglas Richardson! ARTHUR: Ohhh! CAROLYN: Ahhh! You get it now? ARTHUR: Yeah! I completely get it! Because normally its the other way around. CAROLYN: Yes! ARTHUR: Ooh, I do get it! CAROLYN: So, do you know where Douglas has stashed it? ARTHUR: Ooh, no where?! CAROLYN: I dont know! Im asking you!

ARTHUR: Why are you asking me? I dont know. CAROLYN: Yes, but I didnt know you didnt know until I Oh, go and read your book. DOUGLAS: Okay, countries beginning with MARTIN: What? No! Douglas, we dont have time for games. Can you just concentrate, please. DOUGLAS: All right, Captain. (Martin sighs.) DOUGLAS: On anything in particular? MARTIN (anxiously): On the crime! On getting away with the crime! DOUGLAS: Id prefer to use the word scheme. MARTIN: Yes, well, Id prefer to use the word hat. But its not a hat; its a crime! DOUGLAS: Martin, relax. Ive done things like this hundreds of times. MARTIN: Yes, and you got sacked from Air England. DOUGLAS: Only once. I almost always didnt. Trust me: its a perfectly good scheme and its all going to be fine. (Martin groans.) MARTIN: Oh my God. What if he looks out of the window? DOUGLAS: Mmm? MARTIN: Well, when were landing. What if he sees were landing on an island? Africas not an island! Right (Bing-bong) DOUGLAS: Er, Martin. Are you about to make an announcement telling Mr. Birling not to look out of the window? MARTIN: Of course I am! DOUGLAS: Just maybe run that past your internal psychologist first. (Flight deck door opens.) CAROLYN: All right, drivers, where are we? DOUGLAS: About an hour out from Timbuktu. CAROLYN: What? But I thought the whole point was DOUGLAS: Although of course still a fair way from Timbuktu-Timbuktu. CAROLYN: Oh, for heavens sake. DOUGLAS: And how is Mr. Birling? MARTIN (anxiously): Is he awake? Is he drunk? (In a stage whisper) Does he suspect? CAROLYN: Oh, calm down, Martin! Course he doesnt suspect. Until a few hours ago, he thought Timbuktu was either Chinese or fictional! However, he is fast sobering up. MARTIN (panic-stricken): What? Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no! He needs to be drunk! Thats the key to the wholecrime! DOUGLAS: Well, you know what might help with that. CAROLYN: Yes, I do. So and can we please do this with the bare minimum of gloating I will buy the Talisker. DOUGLAS: An excellent choice. Madam could not have made a wiser decision. CAROLYN: I said the bare minimum. DOUGLAS: Thatll be three hundred pounds. CAROLYN: Three hun You said two hundred before. DOUGLAS: Ah, that was the price in Fitton. Alas, the supply is scarcer up here. CAROLYN: Fine. Three hundred. DOUGLAS: Excellent. CAROLYN: Well, get the bottle out, then. DOUGLAS: Madam seems a little unfamiliar with how the whole buying process works. CAROLYN: Oh, Ill pay you when we get back. (Douglas laughs sarcastically.) DOUGLAS: Madam is a humourist. MARTIN: Guys, please. Can we try and focus on the main CAROLYN: I dont carry that sort of cash on trips. DOUGLAS: Yes you do. CAROLYN: Well, show me the bottle and Ill give you the money. DOUGLAS: Better yet, give me the money and Ill get out the bottle. CAROLYN: Ive changed my mind. I dont want it. DOUGLAS: Just as you please. But I warn you: the prices are only going to rise. MARTIN (increasingly frantically): Seriously, please, will both of you forget the whisky and concentrate on getting away with the CRIME?!

CAROLYN: Martin, for someone who cant bear to hear the word Sardinia, you are making very free with the word crime. (Door to the plane opens.) DOUGLAS: So, Martin, what do you think of Timbuktu? MARTIN (quietly, nervously): Well, actually, it-it does look quite, you know, middle-of-Africa-ish, doesnt it, actually, doesnt it? ARTHUR: What does? MARTIN: Er, th-this does. ARTHUR: Oh, yeah, well I can explain that, Skip. Er, Timbuktu is, in fact, in the middle of Africa, so, er, thats why it looks like this. MARTIN: Thank you, Arthur. ARTHUR: Dont mention it. I read the whole page of that book. Im basically an expert on Timbuktu now. CAROLYN (helping Mr. B down the steps): Right, there we go, Mr. Birling. Easy does it. MR. BIRLING: Cant you turn that down? CAROLYN: The sun? Not very easily, I fear. GIANCARLO (Italian accent): Hello! Hello! MR. BIRLING: Whos this, now? DOUGLAS: A-ha! GIANCARLO: Welcome to Timbooktoo. MR. BIRLING: Yes, yes, all right. GIANCARLO: Because that is where you are, and we are glad to ave you ere in our glorious country of Timbooktoo. DOUGLAS (quietly): Town. GIANCARLO (quietly): Town? DOUGLAS (quietly): Town. GIANCARLO (louder): town of Timbooktoo. See here our welcoming sign. MR. BIRLING: What sign? GIANCARLO: That one. The one that says Welcome to Timbooktoo. MR. BIRLING: Mmm. Well GIANCARLO: No, no! No, have a proper look! We spent ages on that. MR. BIRLING: Now then, you Whats your name? GIANCARLO: Giancarlo DOUGLAS (interrupting): Is it, though? GIANCARLO: Oh, no-no-no-no, its, uh, its, uh, er DOUGLAS: Quick as you like. GIANCARLO: Mandela. DOUGLAS (resignedly): Terrific. MR. BIRLING: Right, Mandela, youve got the rugby here, have you? GIANCARLO: Well, er, of course. Italys first rugby World Cup final in history everyone in the country is watching. MR. BIRLING: Really? Why? DOUGLAS: Ah, well, you have to remember Mali was part of the Italian Empire for a long time. The ties run deep. MR. BIRLING: Oh. Was it? ARTHUR: Er, no, Douglas, youre thinking of France. Mali was in the French Empire. DOUGLAS: No, Arthur ARTHUR: Yeah, no, definitely. It was in my book. DOUGLAS: Well, Mr. Birling, I think that concludes the greetings. MR. BIRLING: Something odds going on here. MARTIN (frantically): No it isnt! DOUGLAS: Not at all. MR. BIRLING: Where you fellows have got lucky is that the match is about to start, so I dont care. DOUGLAS: An attitude that does you great credit. Shall we escort you to the crew room? (Sound of rummaging in GERTIs flight deck.) CAROLYN: Right. (Locker door opening and closing.) CAROLYN: No, no, no. Too obvious. (More rummaging. The flight deck door opens.) MARTIN: Carolyn? (Carolyn yelps in surprise.)

CAROLYN: Oh, its you. What are you doing here? MARTIN: Its my flight deck. What are you doing here? CAROLYN: Its my aeroplane. Now, help me search for Douglas Talisker. MARTIN: Carolyn, please! Forget about the bloody Talisker! CAROLYN: The flight decks the only place hes had time to hide it. Its not in the locker or in the foot wells or under the seats Maybe its inside one of the seats. (She starts to rummage.) MARTIN: No its not. CAROLYN: What? MARTIN (hesitantly): Its probably not in the seats. CAROLYN: You know where it is. MARTIN (hastily): Okay, Im going back to the crew room now. CAROLYN (sternly): Tell me where it is, Martin. MARTIN: Carolyn, if Ive learned anything after five years at MJN Air, its never to get involved with Talisker on Birling Day. Goodbye. [Transcribers note: Yes, he does actually say MGN Air. Shame on you, Benedict!] CAROLYN: Ill give you a hundred pounds. MARTIN: I cant. Douglasd make my life a misery. CAROLYN: As will I if you dont. MARTIN (plaintively): Ive got to go! (Flight deck door closes.) CAROLYN (loudly): Two hundred pounds! (Flight deck door opens again.) MARTIN: Two hundred? CAROLYN: Yes. MARTIN (sighing): Its in the avionics bay. CAROLYN: Where? MARTIN: Under the floor hatch. CAROLYN (lifting the hatch): I never knew there was a hatch. MARTIN: No, well, he didnt think you did. (Knocking on the cabin door.) MARTIN: Quick! Quick-quick-quick! CAROLYN: Ah, got it! MR. BIRLING (from outside): Hello! Are you in there? (Sound of Mr. B trying to open the door.) MARTIN: Mr. Birling? MR. BIRLING (rattling the door): Open up, damn you! (Martin opens the door.) MR. BIRLING: Ah. ARTHUR: Hi! Its us! DOUGLAS: Why was the door locked? MARTIN: Mr. Birling! Whats the matter? CAROLYN: Why arent you watching the rugby? MR. BIRLING: Because rugby is dead. MARTIN: Oh dear. DOUGLAS: Italy are leading thirty-eight to three at half time. Mr. Birling feels hes seen enough. MR. BIRLING: Yes, and heard enough of that awful Mandela chap singing. DOUGLAS: Mr. Mandela has managed to overcome the natural apathy of the neutrals. MARTIN (anxiously): Oh, dear, I-I am sorry, Mr. Birling. Still, home early for us, then. Er, we-were actually nearly ready to go, so if youd like to ARTHUR: Aww, do we have to go? MARTIN: Yes we do. ARTHUR: Only, if weve got some spare time, cant we take Mr. Birling to see the sights? MARTIN and DOUGLAS and CAROLYN (simultaneously): No. ARTHUR: Oh! We could borrow Mr. Mandelas car! MARTIN and DOUGLAS and CAROLYN (simultaneously): No! MR. BIRLING: I dont want to see the sights. MARTIN: There he doesnt want to see the sights. CAROLYN: So, everyone back on board. ARTHUR: But-but you could take some more pictures to show your wife! MR. BIRLING: Oh, there is that, I suppose. MARTIN: No. I-Im sorry, Mr. Birling. Im gonna have to put my foot down. We really dont have time.

(Short silence.) MR. BIRLING: I want to see the sights. DOUGLAS: Well played, Martin. ARTHUR: Brilliant! Im gonna get to see some of Africa after all. DOUGLAS: Yes, Arthur. Yes you are. (In a car.) ARTHUR: Yellow car. MR. BIRLING: Cant you do something to stop him saying that? CAROLYN: Trust me: there is no power on Earth. ARTHUR: Its funny, though: it was another Fiat. DOUGLAS (sarcastically): Was it really? ARTHUR: Yeah! Loads of Fiats, arent there? I had no idea they were so popular in Timbuktu. MARTIN: Arthur ARTHUR: Its just, my book was saying that most transport is still camels and donkeys, but I havent seen a camel all journey! DOUGLAS: I did warn you you might not. ARTHUR: Ill call out if I see one. MR. BIRLING (grumpily): Do not do that! ARTHUR: No, no, its fine. I dont mind. Ill make it part of the game. Are camels yellow? Theyre sort of yellow-ish, arent they kind of yellowy-browny. Is there a name for that colour? CAROLYN: Yes, dear. Its called camel. ARTHUR: Oh, brilliant! So if I see one, I can just say, Camel camel! DOUGLAS: Good idea. And that way well know its a real camel. CAROLYN (tetchily): Douglas. ARTHUR: Oh dear, the roads getting really steep, isnt it? CAROLYN: Yes, well, these, er, rough desert pathways its -its not surprising theyre a bit, um ARTHUR: Well, it is a bit surprising, Mum, because the book was saying the Saharas one of the flattest places in the world! MARTIN (nervously): Youve really been getting into that book, havent you? ARTHUR: Yeah. Well, Mums been saying for years I dont read enough, so I thought Id MARTIN (exasperated): you thought youd start now. Great. Okay, Ive got a game: lets see who can stay the most shut-up for longest. ARTHUR: No, Im terrible at that. No, you lot play, though. Ill keep you amused. O h, look! Another pizzeria! They really love their pizza in Mali, dont they? Thats the fourth one weve seen. CAROLYN (resigned): Yes, and youve drawn attention to every single one. ARTHUR: Yeah, well, because its so surprising! Cause like I told you, Mali was part of the French Empire, so youd think, if anything, there would be more (The car screeches to a halt.) MARTIN: Oh dear. The cars stuck. ARTHUR: Is it? It doesnt seem MARTIN: Yes! Its stuck! Everyone out and help push. Not-not you, Mr. Birling, of course. Youre-youre our guest. (They get out of the car.) MARTIN (in an urgent whisper): Arthur, please. SHUT UP! ARTHUR: What? I didnt say anything. DOUGLAS: Youve done nothing but say things since we started. ARTHUR: Oh, you mean my interesting facts about Timbuktu. CAROLYN: Arthur, we are not in Timbuktu. We are in Sardinia, which is an island in Italy. (Stunned silence, then Arthur gasps.) ARTHUR: I thought we were CAROLYN: Yes, I know you did; and so does Mr. Birling, so please, stop loudly pointing out how much unlike the centre of Africa everything is. (The car door opens.) MR. BIRLING: All right. What on earth is going on? CAROLYN: No, no. No, no. Everythings fine. Its all fixed. MR. BIRLING: How is it fixed? You havent done anything. Youve just stood there talking. No, theres something very odd going on here. The idiot boy is right. This is a very big hill for a desert. Whats going on? MARTIN and DOUGLAS and CAROLYN (simultaneously): Nothing. MR. BIRLING: Youre very quiet suddenly. (Arthur whimpers.) MR. BIRLING: I said, whats going on?

(Arthur whines.) MR. BIRLING: What. Is. Going. On? ARTHUR (hysterically, rapidly): Nothing! Nothings going on! Were in Timbuktu, and everythings totally normal and you can get pizzas anywhere these days, and camels are really shy actually and its nothing like Sardinia, which Ive never been to, and Im not going to, and Im definitely not in now! CAROLYN: Arthur! Stop talking! ARTHUR (high-pitched, rapidly): I dont think I can remember how! CAROLYN: Someone else say something! Anything! MARTIN (panic stricken): Er, er, er, er Oh, look over there, Mr. Birling! From up here, you can see the sea! MR. BIRLING (grimly): The sea? DOUGLAS: Well, maybe not quite anything. (Back in GERTI.) MARTIN (tiredly): Fuel balanced, Douglas. DOUGLAS (flatly): Good-o. (Flight deck door opens.) CAROLYN: Well, weve come to an arrangement. MARTIN: Yes? CAROLYN: Hes not going to sue us. MARTIN (sighing with relief): Good. CAROLYN: or pay us. DOUGLAS: Ah. MARTIN: So essentially weve taken a multi-millionaire on a free day-trip to the Mediterranean. CAROLYN: Thats about the size of it, yes. DOUGLAS: Well, its good to give something back, isnt it? MARTIN: Im really sorry, Carolyn. CAROLYN: No, its all right. You only finished what Arthur started. DOUGLAS: Yes. Its been a topsy-turvy sort of Birling Day, hasnt it? We flew away from the rugby; Mr. Birling got soberer and soberer; and Arthur ruined everything with his knowledge and erudition. ARTHUR: I did, didnt I? MARTIN: I dont think he meant you to be proud. ARTHUR: No, no. I am a bit, though. CAROLYN: Oh, and, er, one other thing, Douglas. I stole the Talisker from you. (Clink of a bottle.) DOUGLAS: Carolyn! How did you find it? MARTIN: I told her, Douglas. DOUGLAS: You told her? MARTIN: Yes. DOUGLAS: I see. And how much did she pay you for that little betrayal? MARTIN: Two hundred pounds. (Short pause.) MARTIN: Heres your hundred. DOUGLAS: Thank you very much. CAROLYN: What? MARTIN: Really sorry, Carolyn. But what Ive actually learned after five years at MJN is never to side against Douglas on Birling Day. DOUGLAS: So Im rather afraid, Carolyn, that while you may have stolen the Talisker, you didnt steal oh, could you pass me the operations manual, Martin? MARTIN: Certainly, Douglas. (Sound of the manual being moved, followed by a clink of another bottle.) DOUGLAS: the Talisker-Talisker.

SEASON 4 EPISODE 2: Uskerty

This week, Uskerty! (Distant sound of an airport tannoy bing-bing-bong.) ARTHUR: Morning, chaps! Look! Im an Irish guy! DOUGLAS: Arthur, in three days in Cork, have you seen anyone wearing a green top hat with a shamrock

on it?! ARTHUR (in a diabolical Irish accent): Oi have noww, to be shure! MARTIN: Whats that?! Irish pirate? ARTHUR (in his equally diabolical Australian accent): Its not up there with my Orstralian, I admit! (In his normal voice) Er, anyway, Mums just coming. Er, she says dont file the flight plan yet. MARTIN: I already have. ARTHUR: Okay. Er, ooh, and Douglas, um, storm warning. DOUGLAS: Ah. Thank you, Arthur. What gale force? ARTHUR: Er, what does it go up to again? Is it, is it ten? DOUGLAS: Twelve. ARTHUR: Id say eight. DOUGLAS: Oh dear. MARTIN: No, I-I-Ive just picked up the weather. Theres lots of rain, but no storms. DOUGLAS: Were not talking about the weather. (Approaching footsteps.) CAROLYN: Martin, have you filed the flight plan? MARTIN: Yes, Ive CAROLYN: Why? I specifically told Arthur to tell you not to. MARTIN: But hes only just CAROLYN (interrupting): I dont want to hear your excuses. Go and change it. (Martin sighs in exasperation.) CAROLYN: Were stopping off in Kilkenny on the way home. MARTIN: Kilkenny? Why? CAROLYN: Let me answer your question with a question: what does it say in big letters on GERTIs tail? MARTIN: MJN. CAROLYN: And what does that stand for? MARTIN: My Jet Now. CAROLYN: Whose Jet Now? MARTIN: Your Jet Now. CAROLYN: And thats why were going to Kilkenny. Be ready in twenty minutes. MARTIN: But CAROLYN (walking away): Twenty minutes! (Martin sighs again.) ARTHUR: Thats an eight, isnt it? DOUGLAS: Definitely. Gusting to ten. (Bing-bong.) DOUGLAS (over cabin address): Lady and gentleman, welcome aboard this MJN flight from Cork to Kilkenny. That means a distance of about seventy miles, which means we have a flight time today roughly equivalent to that of a gently-lobbed Frisbee. Well, were nearing the top of our ascent now, so Ill leave you to relax and enjoy the flight, but the captain will speak to you a little later on when were nearing our destination. (Immediately: bing-bong, bing-bong.) MARTIN (over cabin address): Lady and gentleman, were about to begin our descent into Kilkenny. I do hope you had a restful flight, maybe got some sleep, enjoyed a movie or two (Flight deck door opens.) ARTHUR: Er, hi chaps, er, Mum says It basically boils down to Please could you stop? DOUGLAS: She said, Please?! ARTHUR: No, I added that. Er, but I took out quite a lot of other stuff. DOUGLAS: I see. Its a definite Force ten now, then, is it? ARTHUR: I think it is, yes. MARTIN: And dyou know why were stopping in Kilkenny? ARTHUR: Yeah, yeah. She, er, she wants to buy Herc a birthday present. MARTIN: A present? That she can only get from Kilkenny? What is it? ARTHUR: I dont know. But actually its from a little village outside Kilkenny. DOUGLAS: So she expects us all to wait around while she goes shopping for her boyfriend. ARTHUR: Okay, can I just ask, Douglas if you say that to her, er, dont call Herc her boyfriend, dont call it shopping, and also probably dont say any of it. (Squeal of GERTIs cabin door opening. Footsteps walk down the steps, then stop. As Carolyn speaks, her voice echoes.) CAROLYN (calling out): Er, h-hello? Hello-o! Anyone home?

ARTHUR: This is a bit spooky, isnt it? Dyou think its haunted? DOUGLAS: I wouldnt have thought so, Arthur, no. ARTHUR: Well, you know, everythings more ancient in Ireland, isnt it? DOUGLAS: Not the airports. CAROLYN (calling out): Hello-o! (A door opens.) GERRY (Irish accent): Hello, hello! Ah, youll be MJN Air. CAROLYN: Thats right, yes. GERRY: Grand. Hello! Welcome to Kilkenny. Im Gerry; Im the Airport Manager. Please make yourself at home. Anything you want, just CAROLYN: Id like a taxi. GERRY: Sure. Thats no problem at all. And if youd like a coffee first, weve got a little caf CAROLYN: Id like a taxi, straightaway please, to a village called Uskerty. [She pronounces it US-ker-ty.] GERRY: Ah, Uskerty. [He pronounces it Us-KER-ty.] GERRY: Oh, yes, I think I know it. My sisters best friend from school had a CAROLYN (interrupting): Did she really? What a small world. What a super story, yes. So tell them to pick us up straightaway. GERRY: Right you are. If youd just like to follow me, Ill quickly stamp your passports. CAROLYN: Why? Has Kilkenny declared independence? GERRY: Sorry? CAROLYN: Weve come from Cork! GERRY: Oh, right! Still, if you wanted to get them stamped anyway as a souvenir ARTHUR: Ooh, yes please! CAROLYN: No, thank you. A taxi, please, straightaway, to Manor Farm, Uskerty. [She still pronounces it wrong.] CAROLYN: And can we book a take-off slot in one hours time. GERRY: Sure; but dont feel you need to rush off. So long as youre gone before dusk CAROLYN (interrupting): An hours time, please. Douglas, Arthur: wait here; Martin: youre coming with me. MARTIN: Huh? Why? CAROLYN: I need you to help carry something. MARTIN: I dont want to carry CAROLYN (interrupting): Martin. Only Father Christmas cares about what you want. I am telling you what you are going to do. (A clock chimes.) MRS HERLIHY (Irish accent): Now then: will you have another piece of seed cake? CAROLYN: Oh, thats very kind of you, Mrs Herlihy, but no. MRS HERLIHY: Are you sure? I make it myself, you know. CAROLYN: Yes, I thought you probably did. Now, I dont want to rush you, but perhaps we could see MRS HERLIHY: Oh, of course, yes. I-Ill fetch him for you. (Door closes. Martin sighs.) CAROLYN: Martin. MARTIN: Hmm? CAROLYN: Put this in your pocket. MARTIN: What? No! What is it? CAROLYN: My seed cake. Quick! MARTIN: No! Why! CAROLYN: Its revolting! MARTIN: But then leave it. CAROLYN: No! I dont want to offend her. MARTIN: Oh, oh, suddenly youre worried about offending people! CAROLYN: People who own extremely-hard-to-find objects I want to buy from them, yes. Whiny pilots, not at all. Here. (Sounds of struggling and indignant noises from Martin as he tries to stop her shoving her cake into his pocket.) CAROLYN: Stop fussing! (Door opens.) MRS HERLIHY: Here we are. Isnt he a beauty? CAROLYN: Ooh, my, yes. Isnt he just? MRS HERLIHY: His names Finn McCool the Third well, it was.

CAROLYN: Hercs going to love him. MARTIN: Er, is he? CAROLYN: Of course he is. (To Mrs Herlihy) Its a present for a friend. MRS HERLIHY: Oh, how lovely! Is he very fond of sheep? CAROLYN: Oh, enormously. Yes, especially stuffed. (Sound of a passport being stamped.) GERRY: There we go. ARTHUR: Brilliant! GERRY: Dyou want one on the other page too? ARTHUR: Oh, yes please. (Sound of the passport being stamped again.) GERRY: There you go. Now, Douglas, how about you? DOUGLAS: Its kind of you, but Im fine. GERRY: Right you are. Now then, what else can I show you? DOUGLAS: Actually, Gerry, I-I dont mean to be rude but Ive been a pilot for thirty-four years. Im pretty familiar with airports. GERRY: Just the security gate, then. Its all brand new! Only I went on a special course and everything, and Ive only used it maybe twice. ARTHUR: Brilliant! Ill have a go! GERRY: Great! DOUGLAS: Really, Arthur? ARTHUR: Yeah! I love going through the X-ray gate! Its a bit like a game show, isnt it? Theres always that moment of Will I make the buzzer go? Will I make the buzzer go?! Yes! I didnt make the buzzer go! Or Ohhh, I made the buzzer go! GERRY (laughing happily): All right, then! Well, follow me! DOUGLAS: I think I might leave you to it and ARTHUR: Oh, come on, Douglas! Itll be fun! Well make a game of it! Like, one of us could put something metal in our pocket and see if the machine can tell which one of us it is! DOUGLAS: I think the machine can tell that. That is the whole point of the machine. ARTHUR: Yeah, well, lets see. Theres lots of things that theyre the whole point of me that I dont do. DOUGLAS: Like what? ARTHUR: Floss. Dont tell Mum. (Outdoors.) CAROLYN: Well, wheres the taxi gone? I told her Id only be ten minutes. MARTIN: Mmm, yes you did, half an hour ago. CAROLYN: All the more reason she should be here now. Move Finn McCool in a bit. Hes getting damp. MARTIN: So am I! CAROLYN: Yeah, no doubt, but I didnt just pay eighty-five Euros for you. MARTIN: You didnt pay anything for me. CAROLYN: Exactly. MARTIN (sighing): So, dare I ask you why youve bought your boyfriend a stuffed sheep? CAROLYN: He is not my boyfriend. MARTIN: Yeah, yeah, fine: your partner. CAROLYN: He is certainly not my partner. MARTIN: Well, what is he, then? CAROLYN: He is a man I know. MARTIN: Right. Well, then, why youve bought your man you know a sheep. CAROLYN: Oh, didnt you know? Herc hates sheep. MARTIN: Hates them? CAROLYN: Yes! Loathes them! Hes got a sort of phobia about them. MARTIN: And youve gone to a great deal of trouble and expense to get him the worst possible birthday present you can imagine. CAROLYN: Exactly. Isnt it perfect?! MARTIN: Err, in in a way. (A car pulls up.) CAROLYN: Ah. Here you are. Where did you go? BREEDA (Irish accent): Where did you go? You said ten minutes. CAROLYN: Yes, but I am the customer, and the customer is always right. MARTIN: Thats a bit of a policy change for you, isnt it? CAROLYN: Be quiet. And get Finn McCool inside before he gets any wetter.

BREEDA: Hang on. Whats that? CAROLYN: Oh, Im sorry. Do you not have these in Ireland? Its called a sheep. MARTIN: Carolyn. BREEDA: We do have them, as it happens, yes. But we keep them in fields, not in other peoples cars. CAROLYN: Yes, well, Im afraid Finn McCools days in the fields are behind him. Martin, see if you can wedge him in with all the BREEDA (interrupting): Im saying you cant carry it in this taxi. CAROLYN: Dont be ridiculous. MARTIN (urgently): Carolyn! CAROLYN: What? MARTIN: Look, just-just let me. (He puts on an awful Irish accent which possibly even Arthur could do better. Maybe.) MARTIN: Hello, dere! Hello and hi to you! Im -Im Martin Marty to mfriends. Sorry about my friend. She has, er, the devil of a temper on her! CAROLYN (indignantly): I do not! MARTIN (still in the shocking accent): as you can see. But I was just wonderin, given that the olde sheep is more a piece of furniture now, whether you might not be all roight with dat? BREEDA: Where are you from? MARTIN (in his normal accent): Wokingham. BREEDA: Right, so, look, the thing is: people have allergies. This is an animal-free car. MARTIN: Oh, right, yes, of course. But-but perhaps if we were to give you an extra uh thirty Euros, say, to cover the cost of getting your taxi deep cleaned? CAROLYN: Thirty Euros?! Im not paying an extra thirty Euros! BREEDA: No, youre not. Youre paying an extra forty, or youre staying here til you can get another cab. MARTIN: Forty Euros will be fine. Thank you. CAROLYN: Oh, will it indeed? Well, Im going to stop it out of your wages. MARTIN: Thatll be a good trick if you can do it. (High-pitched beeping.) GERRY (cheerfully): Ah! Ah, shes got it! ARTHUR: Yes! Yes! It was in my sock! I never thought it would look there! Lets go again! DOUGLAS: Actually, Arthur, I think I might cool off with a quiet read of my paper. The excitements getting to me. ARTHUR (disappointed): Ohh! GERRY: You sure theres nothing else I can show you? Er, the kiosk. Ooh, the baggage carousel! ARTHUR (excitedly): Ooh! DOUGLAS: No, Arthur. GERRY: What about the tannoy? (Arthur exhales delightedly.) GERRY: Would you not like a quick go on the tannoy? ARTHUR: Oh, Douglas! Please? (Triple tone of the airport tannoy.) ARTHUR (over the tannoy, in his Captain Wing Commander Sir Arthur Shappey voice) : Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention please. This is the Airport speaking. Listen to the Airport. Flight 202-0202 is now ready for boarding at Gate Eight. It isnt late. It will not wait. If you want to be on that aeroplane its time to get on the aeroplane now. If you have young children put them on the aeroplane. If you have any hand baggage put it on the aeroplane. If you have any bombs theyre not allowed on the aeroplane. Please put them in the bin! Okay, bye! Love, the Airport. (In the taxi.) CAROLYN: Is this the fastest you can go? BREEDA: No, but its the fastest Im going to go. CAROLYN: We are late. We have to take off before dusk. BREEDA: Yes, I know how it is with these emergency stuffed sheep deliveries. But with rain like this and these blind corners, you cant really take any chances. CAROLYN: Yeah, well youre certainly not doing that. BREEDA: Well, you know what they say: better twenty minutes late in this life CAROLYN: Oh, please. Dont start being charming at me. I can stand being late; I cannot stand being charmed. (The car slows down and stops.) MARTIN: Oh God. No, no, no, no, no.

CAROLYN: Why have you stopped? Dont stop! That is the opposite of what I want! MARTIN (hissing through gritted teeth): Carolyn! BREEDA: Well now, why dont we make a little race of it? CAROLYN: What? BREEDA: You get to the airport the fastest way you know how, and Ill get there the fastest I know how. Out you get. CAROLYN: Oh, dont be ridiculous. MARTIN (angrily): Carolyn! (To Breeda) Please. (He puts on his Irish accent again, making it even worse by making his tone sing-song.) MARTIN: Were very, very sorry. BREEDA: I said OUT! (Car doors open.) BREEDA: And take that horrible sheep with you! MARTIN: Oh, couldnt you at least take the sheep? BREEDA (angrily): No I could not! (The car door slams and Breeda drives away.) MARTIN: Great. Well done, Carolyn. CAROLYN: Oh, I see. This is my fault, is it? (Martin sighs in exasperation.) (Triple tone of the airport tannoy.) DOUGLAS (over tannoy): Your attention please. This is an important message for all passengers hoping to fly to Nottingham. (Pause.) DOUGLAS (slowly, pointedly, over tannoy): Raise your ambitions. ARTHUR: Okay, my turn! DOUGLAS (fed up): No, come on. We said that was the last one. Lovely to meet you, Gerry. Thanks for showing us round. GERRY: My pleasure. Nice to get some use out of Oh! What am I thinking?! The bar! Now, you will just have a quick drink at the bar, wont you? And then youve done everything. On the house! DOUGLAS: Its very kind of you, but unfortunately Arthur here doesnt much like alcohol. ARTHUR: Except peach schnapps. GERRY: Oh, I think weve got some DOUGLAS (interrupting): which, as hell remember, hes never allowed ever again. ARTHUR: Thats true. Im not. GERRY: Why not? DOUGLAS: Have you seen the film Gremlins? GERRY: Yes. DOUGLAS: Peach schnapps is to Arthur as water is to gremlins. ARTHUR (confidentially): I was terrifying! DOUGLAS: And I, of course, have a plane to fly in an hour or so, and the CAA prefer me to keep off the sauce on those occasions. ARTHUR: Oh, and anyway, you never drink DOUGLAS (talking over him): So thank you very much, but no. GERRY: Weve got soft drinks too. Loads of soft drinks. ARTHUR (gasping excitedly): Have you got pineapple juice? GERRY: Have we got pineapple juice?! Weve got cartons and cartons of the stuff! No-one ever asks for it! ARTHUR: Brilliant! Aww, Douglas, can we? Please? DOUGLAS (resignedly): One quick one. ARTHUR (triumphantly): Yes! CAROLYN: Well, what dyou want? Sackcloth and ashes? MARTIN: No. I just want you to say sorry. CAROLYN: Oh, dont be so childish. MARTIN: Its not childish (Carolyn makes urgent shushing sounds.) CAROLYN: Here comes another one. (A vehicle approaches. The two of them call out to it.) MARTIN: Hello, hello! CAROLYN: Please stop! MARTIN: Please! Hello! Stop! (The vehicle keeps going. Martin sighs.)

CAROLYN: It would help if you could try to look a little less peculiar. MARTIN: Oh, Im sorry, but its quite hard to not look peculiar when youre in uniform, soaked to the skin and carrying a dead sheep. CAROLYN: I wish you would stop going on and on and on about the sheep. MARTIN: I promise I will as soon as you let me throw it in a ditch! CAROLYN: It cost me eighty-five Euros! MARTIN: Then at least let me and the sheep hide behind a tree until you get them to stop and then we could CAROLYN: Oh, I see, I see. You think theyre more likely to stop for a poor little old lady alone in the rain, do you? MARTIN: Yes. All right, since you ask me, yes I do. CAROLYN: Well I am not a poor little old lady. MARTIN: Oh, God knows Im aware of that. CAROLYN: The tree, though. The tree might be useful. MARTIN: Really? What are you gonna do? Whittle us a motorbike? CAROLYN: No. But from the top you might be able to get phone reception. MARTIN: From the top? CAROLYN: Yes! Come on! Up you go! Chop-chop! MARTIN: I dont climb trees! CAROLYN: No-no, well, maybe not recently, but Im sure you climbed thousands in your carefree boyhood. Come on. Swarm up it. MARTIN: No, I didnt! I never climbed trees. CAROLYN: Then start now. MARTIN: Oh, for the love of (He starts to climb.) CAROLYN: Thats my boy. MARTIN (grunting as he climbs): This isnt what you pay me for, you know. CAROLYN: No. Its a bonus! Lucky me. MARTIN: Not that you pay me for anything, of course. CAROLYN: Ive told you before: I would love to pay you if I had it to pay, but I simply dont. Oh, there, there the one by your right foot. Yes! Yes, thats right. MARTIN (getting more breathless as he climbs): I could start looking for another job, you know. CAROLYN: Oh, good heavens. Arent you already? MARTIN: Of course not. CAROLYN: Well, why ever not? Theres a knot-hole by your left knee. MARTIN: Ow. Well, you know, er, loyalty. CAROLYN (raising her voice as Martin gets higher): Oh, Martin, no! I dont want to lose you but you really ought to be looking for other jobs! I assumed you were! Careful! I think that branch is dead! MARTIN: Hmm? (A branch cracks as he puts his weight on it. He yelps.) CAROLYN: Yes, I thought so. (Martin pants for breath.) MARTIN: But what would happen to MJN? [Benedict! Will you stop calling it MGN?!] MARTIN: Well, you wouldnt be able to find any other free pilot. CAROLYN: No, well, wed fold; but Martin, were going to fold sooner or later! MARTIN (determinedly): No were not! CAROLYN: Of course we are! Weve been on borrowed time for years! And youll-youll look far better applying as an employed pilot than an unemployed one. MARTIN (panting with the effort of climbing): Carolyn, I didnt realise that CAROLYN: Uh, try there. Anything? MARTIN: Uh yes, yes! Yes! Ive got a bar. (Still panting, he dials a number. It rings out, then its answered.) DOUGLAS (over phone): Hello? MARTIN: Douglas! Its me. DOUGLAS: Hello, Martin. Are you back? MARTIN: Er, no. We got thrown out of a taxi and now Im up a tree. DOUGLAS: Gosh. Quite a powerful throw. MARTIN: Can you send out another taxi? DOUGLAS: Certainly. Whats the address? MARTIN: The address? DOUGLAS: Yes. Where dyou want the cab sent?

MARTIN: To-to us. To where we are. Its-its a road, i-in the rain, uh, with a tree. DOUGLAS: Hmm. Are you hearing the problem? MARTIN: Come on! DOUGLAS: All right. Well, what can you see from there? Maybe we can work out where you are. MARTIN: Right. Er, well, theres fields and more trees, and, um, ooh, this way theres a theres a bee. DOUGLAS: I think we may need slightly more reliable landmarks than individual insects. MARTIN: S-several bees. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh! Ooh! Bees! Carolyn! Lots of lots of lots of bees! Er, i-in the dead branch! A lot! CAROLYN: Well, dont shout! Just climb down! Climb down! MARTIN (in a loud whisper): No. I dont think I should move. I dont think the bees would like it! I think Ill just keep very still, and maybe the bees will forget me! CAROLYN (flatly): Oh, terrific. Im stranded in the middle of Ireland with Captain Winnie the Pooh. (Recorded jazz music playing in the airport bar.) DOUGLAS: Oh, hes rung off. ARTHUR: Are they all right? DOUGLAS: Yes. They seem to have stopped off to climb a tree. ARTHUR (disappointed): Oh. Id have loved that. GERRY: Here we are, gentlemen. One pineapple juice on the rocks; one pineapple juice straight up. (Sound of the glasses being put onto the bar.) DOUGLAS: Cheers. ARTHUR: Cheers. (They clink glasses. Douglas takes a drink and sighs in satisfaction.) DOUGLAS: Thats the stuff. ARTHUR: Is it? DOUGLAS: Not remotely, but its nice to pretend now and again. GERRY: Cocktail olive? DOUGLAS: Dont mind if I do, Gerry. ARTHUR (nonchalantly): Dont mind if I do either, Gerry. (Pause.) ARTHUR: Eurgh! Oh, it turns out I mind a lot. (Martin and Carolyn call out to another approaching vehicle.) MARTIN: Hello, hello, please, please, hello, stop! CAROLYN: Ah, hello! No, stop! MARTIN: Hello! (The vehicle drives past.) CAROLYN: Oh. (Martin sighs.) CAROLYN: Hows your hand, Martin? MARTIN: Its fine. CAROLYN: Let me see. Hmm. Is-is-is that the one you landed on? MARTIN: No, this is the one I landed on. This is the one the bee stung me on. CAROLYN: Mmm. That fingers swelling. You should take that ring off. MARTIN: No, I cant. CAROLYN: You can. Just-just let your finger relax and MARTIN: No, I mean I never, ever take it off. It was my Dads signet ring. I havent taken it off since his funeral. CAROLYN: Oh, I see. Well, that-thats nice. MARTIN: Thank you. CAROLYN: Of course, if you dont take it off now and your finger keeps swelling, the paramedics will have tocut it off; or, if theyre too late, your finger will just burst. MARTIN: All right, all right! Im taking it off. CAROLYN: Good! Put it in your pocket. MARTIN: Yes! All right! Oh there-there-theres one coming. Now look, Carolyn, please. Youre absolutely and totally not a little old lady, but-but dusk is in forty-eight minutes. (He starts moving away from the road.) MARTIN: Could you, just this once, maybe-maybe pretend to be one? CAROLYN: Yes, all right, all right, fine, fine, fine. Get behind your bloody tree. MARTIN: Thank you! CAROLYN (calling out to the approaching vehicle): Hello-o! (She puts on a pathetic quavering old lady voice.)Hello; please.

FARMER FISHER (Irish accent, stopping his vehicle and applying the handbrake) : Are you all right there? CAROLYN (plaintively): Oh, oh, thank you for stopping. Were just trying to get to Kilkenny Airport, my friend and I. MARTIN (coming out from cover): Hello! CAROLYN: Could you could you possibly give us a lift? FARMER FISHER: Well, I dont mind taking you CAROLYN: Thank you. MARTIN: Thank you. FARMER FISHER: but theres only room for one in the cab. CAROLYN: Ah. FARMER FISHER: The otherll have to ride in the back with the girls. MARTIN: The girls? (Geese honk.) MARTIN: Are they are they swans? FARMER FISHER: Thats right. Thats my truck full of swans. They cant get enough swans in Kilkenny. CAROLYN: Theyre geese, Martin. MARTIN: Right, well, Carolyn, what do you think? Shall we shall we toss for it? FARMER FISHER: What are you talking about? She cant ride in the back! CAROLYN: Yes, Im sorry, Martin, but you have to remember I am a very frail old lady. (Jazz music in the bar.) GERRY: May I freshen your juices, gentlemen? DOUGLAS: Oh, why not? Lets live a little. (Sound of juice being poured into the glasses.) ARTHUR: This is great! DOUGLAS: Good vintage, is it? ARTHUR: No, I mean this, you know two guys, sitting in a bar, couple of drinks, box of those black paper napkins that always look really cool; like were in a film. I feel like I should have a hat. DOUGLAS: God knows, Arthur, you have a hat. ARTHUR: No, but I mean one of those ones with the dent they used to wear in black and white times. Gerry, could you, er, could you polish a glass? GERRY: Oh, have I given you a dirty one? ARTHUR: No, no. I just think it would look good. And then, Douglas, we should be saying things like, you know, Hey, you guy. The dames, eh? Yeah, the dames. Stupid dames. You had any luck with the horses? No, the horses are all idiots. You know, between the dames and the horses, sometimes I dont even know why I put my hat on. Thats how they talk in bars, isnt it? DOUGLAS: No, Arthur. Thats not how anyone talks, anywhere. ARTHUR: Oh, right. So how-how do they ? I mean, Ive never really been to a What sort of things do they say? DOUGLAS: I dont know. You just ask about each others lives. ARTHUR: Oh, okay. Right. Er So, do you miss your ex-wife? DOUGLAS: What?! ARTHUR: No! No! DOUGLAS: You dont not like that! ARTHUR: Sorry, sorry. DOUGLAS: You dont talk about anything. You-you just I dunno you-you joke. You moan about sport; you-you tease each other. Its terrific. ARTHUR: I dont know about sport. Um, I could tease you, though. Id like to be better at teasing. DOUGLAS: Well, you cant just ARTHUR: Honestly, Douglas, you silly great man. Look at you with your hair all straight. Its not easy, is it? DOUGLAS: Apparently not. MARTIN: Really? Just in there, with them. FARMER FISHER: Just sit quietly. Theyll leave you alone. MARTIN: What? Where-where-where should I sit? FARMER FISHER: On the floor. But careful itll be slippery. MARTIN: Why would it be slippery? FARMER FISHER: Have a think about that. MARTIN: Oh God, no. I cant sit on that! FARMER FISHER: Well, you cant stay standing up. MARTIN: Why not?

FARMER FISHER: Im not saying youre not allowed (The truck begins to move. Martin cries out as he falls over.) FARMER FISHER: I just dont think you can. CAROLYN: Are you all right? MARTIN: Yes. (He grunts as he straightens up.) Have I got any ? Oh God. CAROLYN: Yes, only a little bit. (Martin groans, then cries out in alarm.) MARTIN: One of thems attacking me! FARMER FISHER: No, shes just being friendly. MARTIN: I dont want a goose friend! Argh! Why does she keep trying to get in my pocket? FARMER FISHER: She probably thinks youve got food in there. Have you? MARTIN: Oh, yes(!) I never go anywhere without a pocket of goose food! CAROLYN: Martin, Martin. The seed cake. MARTIN: Oh, right, yeah. Er, um, actually I do. FARMER FISHER: Give her that, then, and shell leave you alone. MARTIN: All right. There we go. (The goose honks.) MARTIN: Right? (He laughs faintly.) All gone! No, nothing else for you, see? Completely empt Oh God. CAROLYN: What is it? MARTIN: Oh God. I think this goose has just eaten my fathers signet ring. (Jazz music in the bar.) ARTHUR: I ju I just dont know the sort of things people say. DOUGLAS: Yes you do. Youve heard me tease Martin hundreds of times. ARTHUR: Oh, right, okay. Er I notice Sir isnt terribly tall today. DOUGLAS: Yes. Thats better. Of course, I am quite tall. ARTHUR: Oh, damn! Its-its just really difficult with you. Theres-theres nothing to make fun of. (Silence.) ARTHUR: What? DOUGLAS: Im a fifty-seven year old first officer with three ex-wives and Im drinking sodding pineapple juice. ARTHUR: I know. So? DOUGLAS: Nothing. You know, I think maybe you should give up on teasing. Its not really your thing. ARTHUR: Okay. DOUGLAS: If it helps, you are excellent at being teased. ARTHUR: Oh, really? Am I? DOUGLAS: Oh, first rate! Second only to Martin. Hes the master. ARTHUR: Aww, thanks, Douglas! And-and maybe if I practise, I could get as good as him. DOUGLAS: As good as Martin? Im afraid not. He always goes the extra mile. The man just phoned me from up a tree. (The truck comes to a halt. Carolyn gets out.) CAROLYN: All right. Thank you so much, Mr. Fisher. Come on, Martin. Weve got eighteen minutes. Go-gogo. MARTIN: No-no-no, but what about my ring? CAROLYN: Ill get you another ring. MARTIN: It was my fathers. CAROLYN: Yes, Im sorry, but Look, Martin, a goose ate it. What do you want me to do give it the Heimlich manoeuvre? FARMER FISHER: You could buy the goose. MARTIN: I dont want to buy a goose! FARMER FISHER: I dont want to sell you a goose! But if you want that ring, youre going to have to take the goose it comes in. MARTIN: Carolyn, can I Can I take a goose on GERTI? CAROLYN: If it will get you on the plane before dusk, you can take a giant panda. MARTIN: Right! Okay. How much is it? FARMER FISHER: Depends. Which one dyou want? MARTIN: Which one? Well, the-the one that ate my ring, of course. FARMER FISHER: Ah. With you so far. Which ones that? MARTIN: I-I dont know. FARMER FISHER: Ah, now. MARTIN: Oh God.

FARMER FISHER: You know, if I were you MARTIN: Yes? FARMER FISHER: Id have kept an eye on it. MARTIN (frustrated): Thank you. (In the bar.) DOUGLAS (tiredly): Gerry, two more pineapple juices over here. GERRY: Er, dyou not think maybe youve had enough? DOUGLAS: No I dont. GERRY: Only theyre quite acidic. You can get yourself a stomach ulcer. DOUGLAS: Dont worry, Gerry. We can handle our juice. (Approaching footsteps.) DOUGLAS: Carolyn. ARTHUR: Hey, Mum! Whereve you been? CAROLYN (hurriedly): No time, no time. Get ready for take-off in fourteen minutes. ARTHUR: But Mum ! CAROLYN: Hurry! (Martin bursts through the door of the bar as Carolyn hurries away.) ARTHUR: Hey, Skip! MARTIN (urgently): Douglas, quick. I need your help. DOUGLAS: Martin Good Lord, youre soaking wet. MARTIN: Yes, well, its raining outside. Look DOUGLAS: What happened to your uniform? MARTIN: I tore it falling out of a tree DOUGLAS: Yes, but whats that all over it? MARTIN: Oh, er, goose droppings, but DOUGLAS: Is your hand okay? MARTIN (increasingly rapidly): No, a bee stung me DOUGLAS: What are you carrying? MARTIN (frantically): What does it look like?! A stuffed sheep! DOUGLAS: You see, Arthur? The master. MARTIN: Douglas, listen. Theres a truck full of geese outside and one of them ate my Dads ring and I dont know which one and I know theres nothing you can do but is there anything you can do? DOUGLAS: Gosh. Well, its a-a bit of a tall order, Martin, even for me. MARTIN (more quietly): You cant do anything? DOUGLAS: I didnt say that. Gerry. GERRY: Douglas. DOUGLAS: This is Martin. Martin is a man who would like to discover which of a truckload of geese has swallowed a valuable ring. Martin, this is Gerry. Gerry is a man who wishes he could get more use out of his metal-detecting gate. Perhaps you two could have a profitable discussion. GERRY: Oh, grand! CAROLYN (urgently as she hurries over): Come on, come on. Where are you all? Twelve minutes. MARTIN: Er, yes, Carolyn. But, er, b-before that, though, I-I just want to very quickly X-ray all the geese. CAROLYN: You what?! No, Im sorry, Martin, Im very sorry, but there is no time! Now come on! MARTIN (firmly): No. Im sorry, Carolyn. I carried the sheep for you. I climbed the tree. I rode the back of the truck. But now I have to X-ray these geese. DOUGLAS: Always the extra mile.

SEASON 4 EPISODE 3: Vaduz

This week, Vaduz! HERC: Carolyn, ten minutes. CAROLYN: Yes, all right, Herc. So, last recap: if the phone rings, answer it and take a message. If an email comes in, reply to it. If DOUGLAS: Hang on. Im taking notes. ARTHUR: But, er, dont worry about faxes, guys, because Mums put me in charge of the faxes. MARTIN (quietly): Are you sure, Carolyn? Because some people do still have fax machines. CAROLYN (quietly): Yes. Yes, some people do. We dont, though. (Louder) And, most importantly, I will have my phone on at all times. Call me at once if anything happens at all.

HERC: Er, i-if I could just clarify that a little. Do not call her, no matter what happens. CAROLYN: Dont listen to him. Call me if anything goes wro ng, or if we get any bookings. HERC: Those are just two of the circumstances under which you should not call. Other such circumstances include the following: any circumstances. CAROLYN: Ignore him. HERC: Ignore her. DOUGLAS: What a peaceful holiday you two are going to have. CAROLYN: It is not a holiday; it is a trip. HERC: Its a holiday the first holiday Ive had for years. DOUGLAS: I suppose normally youd just wait for the next honeymoon to roll round. ARTHUR: What? HERC: Douglas is wittily referring to my four marriages, Arthur, as opposed to his mere three. ARTHUR: Wow! Is that true? You two have got seven ex-wives? HERC: Between us, yes I think. There isnt any overlap, is there, Douglas? DOUGLAS: Id have to check my paperwork. ARTHUR: Seven! Thats enough for a netball team! HERC: What a chilling thought. DOUGLAS: Of course, if Carolyn contributes her two husbands as well, were well on our way to a football team. CAROLYN: Thank you, Douglas. That will do. HERC: I-I think Id put my second wife in goal. CAROLYN: Hercules Shipwright, did you just do a My ex -wifes so fat joke? HERC: Certainly not! She happens to be a professional goalkeeper. CAROLYN: Really? HERC: No. Shes huge. (Telephone rings.) DOUGLAS: Your turn, I think. MARTIN (making an annoyed sound, then picking up the phone): Hello? MJN Air. Captain Martin Crieff speaking. THERESA (over phone, in a Central European accent) : Hello. I would like a quote for a booking this Friday. MARTIN: Certainly. May I take your name? THERESA: Yes. I am Princess Theresa of Liechtenstein. MARTIN (laughing sarcastically): Are you? THERESA: I am, yes. MARTIN: What a coincidence. THERESA: In what way? MARTIN: Oh, its just that Im the Lord High Archduke Martin of Crieffstonia. THERESA: Ahh! MARTIN: Now what can I do for you? THERESA: Well MARTIN: Is it a dragon? THERESA: What? MARTIN: Dyou need rescuing from a dragon? Only I know what you princesses are like. DOUGLAS: Er, Martin. MARTIN: Mmm? DOUGLAS: This is nothing to do with me. MARTIN: No, of course not! DOUGLAS: No! Really! MARTIN (nervously, into phone): E-e-e-e-excuse me; can you wait a minute? THERESA: My pleasure. It will allow me to catch my breath from all the hilarity. MARTIN: Seriously, Douglas this isnt one of your mates? DOUGLAS: Who is it? MARTIN: The Princess of Liechtenstein! DOUGLAS: No. The Princess of Liechtenstein is not one of my mates. MARTIN: Right! Fine! Then you talk to her! DOUGLAS: With pleasure. (Into phone) Hello. This is First Officer Douglas Richardson. I do apologise. Weve been getting some hoax calls this week. Now, how can we help you? THERESA: Well, I am Princess Theresa of Liechtenstein and I was hoping to charter you to fly the king and I from Vaduz to Fitton. DOUGLAS: But of course! To fly The King And I? Well, this is The Sound of Music to our ears! Why, not since we flew Madam Butterfly to the South Pacific have we had

MARTIN: Douglas! Its nothing to do with me either! DOUGLAS: Yes it is; but I must say, answering it yourself first was a very artistic touch. MARTIN: Look at me. Its not me! DOUGLAS: Well, its not me! THERESA: Okay! So this has been a lot of fun, but ha-have we perhaps reached the point where one of you might consider googling the words Theresa and Liechtenstein? MARTIN: Douglas, look. Ive just DOUGLAS (smoothly): Your Royal Highness. How may we be of service? (Sounds of people on a beach in the background.) CAROLYN: Yeah, of course I am, Martin. Tell Arthur to meet me at the airport. (She hangs up her phone. Crunch of approaching footsteps on the sand.) HERC: Ah, Carolyn, there you are. Now, you know you were saying what fun wind surfing looked? CAROLYN: I dont recall saying anything of the kind. HERC: Well, you were very drunk at the time. CAROLYN: I was not! HERC: Nonetheless, you did say it, and accordingly I have booked us lessons this afternoon. CAROLYN: Oh, thats nice(!) Anyway, I am going to Liechtenstein. HERC: I think you might be over-reacting a little. CAROLYN: Martin just called. Hes just had a booking f rom the King of Liechtenstein. HERC: Well thats obviously Douglas doing a funny voice. CAROLYN: You would think so, yes, but apparently not. HERC: Well, the boys can cope. CAROLYN: What, with a king? Of course they cant! HERC: I didnt realise you were in such thrall to royalty. CAROLYN: I dont give two hoots for royalty! HERC: I think you give four or five hoots. CAROLYN: I do not. HERC: And not just any old hoots: low and reverent hoots, like an owl at a Jubilee. CAROLYN: No! Im sorry, Herc. I really have to go. HERC: No! You dont. Not on the second day of our first and only holiday in sixteen months together. CAROLYN: Look, I told you when I agreed to come, Id have to leave if work came up. HERC: And I told you I didnt agree and wasnt listening. CAROLYN: Oh, honestly, Herc. Its not a big deal. HERC: Well, in fact, it is a bit, because its important to me that we spend time together CAROLYN: Oh, dont. HERC: because I love you. CAROLYN (tightly, awkwardly): Yes. So you keep saying. HERC: I do, dont I? CAROLYN: Yes. Yes, and I wish you wouldnt. It makes you sound like a Disney toy. HERC: Actually, Disney didnt come up with the concept of expressing love. Other people have found it important as well. CAROLYN: Well, who? HERC: Most of humanity. CAROLYN: Well, there you are, then. You know what chumps they are. HERC: Who, humanity? CAROLYN: Yes, by and large. HERC: Well, granted. But still. (Flight deck door opens.) ARTHUR: Okay, chaps. Ive been, er, practising bows. Do you think, er, this one (short silence while he does his bow) or this one? (Another short silence, followed by the sound of something being caught in one hand.) ARTHUR: Thats a slightly fancier one. DOUGLAS: Isnt it just? What happens if you dont catch your hat? ARTHUR: Yeah, I thought of that. Er, I can extend the bit at the end to include picking it up. MARTIN: Just a simple inclination of the head from the neck, Arthur thats enough. ARTHUR: Are you sure? Doesnt sound very king-y. MARTIN: Quite sure. Ive been brushing up on protocol. DOUGLAS: Of course you have. MARTIN: Also, never look at the king directly. DOUGLAS: Are you sure youre not confusing him with the sun?

MARTIN: And dont hold eye contact. Just-just glance up and look away. DOUGLAS: Even if were looking at him through smoked glass? ARTHUR: Okay, Im gonna go and practise. (Flight deck door closes.) DOUGLAS: So Martin. What sort of team would your exes make? MARTIN: What? No team. You know Ive never been married. DOUGLAS: Mmm, but what about ex-girlfriends? MARTIN: Im not telling you that. DOUGLAS: Okay. MARTIN: Thats private. DOUGLAS: Absolutely. Forget I asked. (Pause.) MARTIN: How-how-how-how many people in a bobsled? DOUGLAS: Four. MARTIN: Oh. DOUGLAS: Theres five in a basketball team, if that helps. MARTIN: It doesnt. DOUGLAS: Ah. I dont think theres anything with three. MARTIN: No (he sighs) there wouldnt be. DOUGLAS: Hang on; Ill look it up. MARTIN: Theres really no need. DOUGLAS: Ptanque! MARTIN: What? DOUGLAS: Theres three players in a ptanque team! You know, boules like old Frenchmen play. MARTIN (with a resigned tone): Go on, then. DOUGLAS: What? MARTIN: Well, I know you only asked me so I would ask you. What sort of a team would your ex-girlfriends be? DOUGLAS: Hmmm. W ell, you know the start of the London Marathon ? MARTIN: Yes, all right! DOUGLAS: Shut-down checks complete; and fuel remaining is one thousand six hundred litres. MARTIN: One thousand six hundred. Got it. Right. Lets go quick, quick, quick. DOUGLAS: Were still early. MARTIN: Yes, but we could be earlier. (Knock on cabin door.) OTTO (European accent): Er, hello? (The door is opened.) OTTO: Hi. I am Otto. MARTIN: Hello. OTTO: I am your ground handling agent today. Er, we hope MARTIN (hastily): Yes, good-good-good. Wed like to take off at five. OTTO: Ja, sure, sure. In the meantime, dyou want cleaning services? MARTIN: Er, no thank you. We take care of that ourselves. OTTO: Okay, yeah, sure. So, catering services? MARTIN: No, we do that too. Okay, thanks OTTO: Check-in desks? MARTIN: No, again, we OTTO: you do it yourselves, sure, yeah. How about ? MARTIN: No, Im sorry. We really have to go. We are actually, as it happens, collecting the King of Liechtenstein, so anything else, just-just assume we do it ourselves. OTTO: Fuel. MARTIN: Oh. OTTO: You have a little portable refinery up there in the tail, maybe? (Martin sighs in exasperation.) OTTO: Or will His Majesty be bringing a couple of barrels of his own brew? MARTIN: Okay, sorry, yes, we want refuelling. Well need three thousand litres. OTTO: Okey-dokey. (In a car.) ARTHUR: Shall I offer to take his crown, or will he want to keep it on for the flight? DOUGLAS: Just a minute, Arthur. Martin

(Clinking of metal.) MARTIN: Hmm? DOUGLAS: What are you doing? MARTIN: I know youre going to laugh. DOUGLAS: Are you putting on ? MARTIN: It is correct protocol to wear ones decorations when greeting a foreign head of state. DOUGLAS: Medals?! When did you get medals?! MARTIN: During the ten years I was a member of the Air Cadets. DOUGLAS: I see. Whats this one? MARTIN: Thats my Cadet Forces Medal. DOUGLAS: For ? MARTIN: Being in the Air Cadets. DOUGLAS: Impressive stuff! And the other one? MARTIN (hurriedly): Doesnt matter. DOUGLAS: It does matter. MARTIN: Youll only make fun of it. DOUGLAS: Martin, let us be perfectly clear: the good ship Douglas Making Fun of Martins Medals set sail the moment you took the decision to put on some medals. The voyage is now well underway, and I can only suggest you relax and enjoy it. Whats the other one? MARTIN: Its my Millennium Star. DOUGLAS: Is it?! And thats awarded for ? MARTIN: I think you know what its for. DOUGLAS: I have a wild hope, certainly, but surely its too good to be true. MARTIN: It was awarded by the Queen to all serving members of the Armed Forces and Cadet Corps to commemorate the new millennium. DOUGLAS (delightedly): It is! Youre going to meet the King of Liechtenstein wearing a medal you got for being alive in the year two thousand! ARTHUR: I wish Id known. I could have got that one. (In a restaurant.) HERC: Thank you for staying. CAROLYN: Yes, yes, yes. You already said that. HERC: And Im saying again: I really appreciate you staying. CAROLYN: Yes-yes-yes. All right, fine. HERC: Because CAROLYN: Yes-yes, thank you. Thats lovely. HERC: I love you. CAROLYN: Yes, I am aware. The information has been duly noted. Thank you for your feedback. HERC: And do you ? CAROLYN (her voice getting increasingly high-pitched): No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no! HERC: No? CAROLYN: Not, No, the answers No, No, dont ask. HERC: So the answers not no. CAROLYN: I said, Dont ask; dont ask, dont tell, like gay American soldiers before two thousand and eleven. HERC: Well Im not a gay American soldier before two thousand and eleven; I am, in fact, none of those things. And I am interested in whether or not you feel as strongly about me as I do about you. CAROLYN: Why? Look, were-were doing very well as we are. Why-why cant we carry on like this? HERC: But what if we wanted to get married? CAROLYN: But we dont want to get married, though, do we? Not in the least tiniest little bit. HERC: I might want to. CAROLYN: Yes, Hercules, but lets face facts: you wanting to get married is like other people wanting to sneeze. Besides, Knapp-Shappey is bad enough as a surname. Im damned if Im going to become KnappShappey-Shipwright. HERC: Yes, I see what you mean. It does sound a bit like a soft shoe shuffle. (Outdoors.) ARTHUR: Wow! Its an actual castle! DOUGLAS: What did you expect Vaduz Castle to be? ARTHUR: I dunno. World of Leather was very disappointing. MARTIN: What do we do now? DOUGLAS: Knock?

MARTIN: Can you just knock at a castle? DOUGLAS: I dont see why not. What was your plan: jangle your medals together? (Knocking on the door, which is then opened.) THERESA: Hello. Oh, are you the pilots? MARTIN: Er-er, er, yes. Hello. Er, were-we-were here to see, er, Princess Theresa. THERESA: I know, yes. Hello. MARTIN: Hello. So-so is she in? THERESA: Yes she is in front of you. Hello. Come in. MARTIN: Oh. Right. (They go inside.) MARTIN (clearing his throat): Your Royal Highness, if I might introduce myself. I am Captain Martin Crieff. THERESA: Oh, I remember you! Youre here to save me from a dragon, yes? MARTIN: Terribly sorry about that. THERESA: Oh, no, dont worry. It happens a lot! MARTIN: Okay. And, er, and this is First Officer Douglas Richardson, and Mr. Arthur Shappey Esquire, who will be providing customer service. ARTHUR (quietly to Douglas): Mr. Arthur Shappey what? DOUGLAS (quietly): Esquire. ARTHUR: Whats a squire? DOUGLAS: You are. ARTHUR: Brilliant! MARTIN: The head of our company, Mrs Carolyn Knapp-Shappey, presents her compliments and her profound apologies not to be here in person, but rest assured, she will be waiting to greet you on our arrival in Fitton. THERESA: Really? Why? MARTIN: W -well, you know, to provide an official reception and-and to sweep the building for assassins. THERESA: Ooh! Right. Well, dyou get a lot of assassins in your airport? DOUGLAS: We do in the winter months. I think the cold drives them inside. MARTIN (through gritted teeth): Douglas! ARTHUR: Excuse me, your Princess. THERESA: Theresa is fine. ARTHUR: Er, Theresa. When do we get to see the king? MARTIN: Arthur! I-I-Im so sorry. He-he THERESA: Oh, no, no, no, its fine. Ill get him. (Calling out) Maxi! Your pilots are here! MAXIMILIAN (a teenage boy, excitedly): Yaaaay! THERESA: And you can come and m eet them as soon as youve finished your carrots! (Running footsteps, then a heavy door is pulled open.) MAXIMILIAN: I have finished them. MARTIN: Oh! DOUGLAS: Martin? I fear youre looking directly at the king. (In the car.) MAXIMILIAN: Green truck. That counts double. ARTHUR (indignantly): What?! No, no, thats not how you play! MAXIMILIAN: It is in Liechtenstein. ARTHUR: No its not! MAXIMILIAN: It is, because Im the King of Liechtenstein and I say it is. A hundred points to me! ARTHUR (frantically): There arent any points! MAXIMILIAN: There are in Liechtenstein. THERESA: Maxi! Stop being horrible! Im sorry Maxi is going through a stage where hes very pleased with himself for being accidentally born king. (She chuckles in embarrassment.) They all go through it! For my father, it lasted sixty years! MARTIN: So youre Maxis sister? THERESA: Im the oldest; hes the youngest. Six sisters, then Maxi. DOUGLAS: Good lord! THERESA: Yes. My fathers motto was, If at first you dont succeed DOUGLAS: And what takes His Majesty to Fitton? THERESA: Hes going back to school. ARTHUR: Ah, lucky you! I really miss going to school. MAXIMILIAN: Then youre stupid. I hate school. THERESA: No you dont. You just hate all the other boys.

MAXIMILIAN: No they hate me. They wont call me by my proper title. DOUGLAS: Children can be so cruel. MARTIN: I-I suppose you must stick out a bit, being royal. THERESA: Not at this school. He shares a desk with the Sheikh of Qatar. MAXIMILIAN: Yes, but hes only a prince. I outrank him. THERESA: Maxi, I keep telling you: people dont make friends by telling other people how much they outrank them. MARTIN: Thats true, actually! DOUGLAS: Yes. Captain Crieff as you can see is a grizzled veteran of the Air Cadets. THERESA (giggling flirtatiously): Oooh! Oh my, yes! (She touches his medals, which jingle.) THERESA: What are these? MARTIN (trying to sound nonchalant): Oh, those are just my decorations. THERESA (impressed): Oh! You come with decorations. Like a little Christmas tree! What are they for? DOUGLAS: Ooh! Can I tell her?! MARTIN: No. DOUGLAS: Please? MARTIN: No! This is-this is my Cadet Forces Medal; and, um, this is my Millennium Star. THERESA: Well, now! I think we can do a little better than that. You have provided aid to the Royal Family, so straight away you can have the Star of Liechtenstein (clinking as she adds the medal to Martins bar) theWreath of Liechtenstein (another clink) and, er, ooh, I dont know what the last one is called the Little Wobbly Stick of Liechtenstein. (Another clink.) MARTIN: Errr, thank you. MAXIMILIAN (whining): Theresa! You cant give him that! Thats our highest honour! THERESA (exasperated): Well someones gotta have it! (To Martin) Now, do you renounce Satan? MARTIN: Errrr, yes! THERESA: Super! That gives you the Holy Cross of St. Lucius! MARTIN: Okay, I think you might be teasing me. THERESA: Maxi, do we have a medal for Teasing Recognition? MAXIMILIAN: No. THERESA: Shame. (Flirtatiously to Martin) You really earned it. (Martin laughs nervously. Theres a moment of silence.) MAXIMILIAN: Black dog. ARTHUR: Oh, come on! Thats not even a vehicle! OTTO: Okay, and sign here. Youre all ready to go. DOUGLAS: Okay. (Sat comm bleeps.) MARTIN (into sat comm): Hello? CAROLYN (over sat comm): Martin? How is everything? MARTIN: Everythings fine, Carolyn. Were just about to leave. CAROLYN: Really? No-ones been thrown in a dungeon or anything? (She chuckles.) Good lord. And how fares the King of Liechtenstein? MARTIN: Hes fine. He and Arthur are playing Top Trumps. CAROLYN: What? MARTIN: Ill explain later. Dont worry. Im in complete control. CAROLYN: Well, good, because our flight home has been delayed by three hours. We wont get to Fitton in time to meet you. MARTIN: Its fine, its fine. Shes shes really not that sort of princess. DOUGLAS: Er, Captain MARTIN: Gotta go! (Sat comm off.) DOUGLAS: Could you just double-check this fuel order? MARTIN (taking the paper from Douglas): Er (high-pitched) What?! Three thousand litres? Why have you loaded three thousand litres? OTTO: Because you asked for three thousand litres. MARTIN: No I didnt. I said, Well need three thousand litres. OTTO: Okay, is that sounding any different to you, because MARTIN: No: Well need three thousand in the tank and we already have sixteen hundred, so OTTO: Well, maybe I am a simple soul, but I heard, We need three thousand litres, and what I thought was, Oh, I know, Ill give them three thousand litres! Theyll like that!

MARTIN: Yes, but DOUGLAS: Yes, well, whoevers fault it is OTTO: Its his fault. DOUGLAS: I know. But the good news, Martin, is were still under maximum take -off weight. MARTIN: Oh, good. DOUGLAS: The less good news is that when we get to Fitton, well still be way over maximum landing weight. MARTIN: Right. So we can go up but we cant come down. DOUGLAS: Exactly. We are Newtons worst nightmare. (On board another plane.) STEWARDESS: Your Bloody Mary, madam. CAROLYN: Thank you so much. I do like being a passenger. She doesnt know I know she hates me. HERC: Not all cabin crew hate their passengers, you know. CAROLYN (laughing cheerily): Oh, bless you! HERC: So, before we leave the subject entirely CAROLYN: What subject? Oh, no, not that subject. HERC: Marriage is definitely off the table? CAROLYN: Well Im not saying that. Im just saying why cant we carry on as we are? HERC: Well because things change. CAROLYN: What changes? HERC: Well for instance, if if were not in this for the medium-long term, I should probably go to Switzerland. CAROLYN: Well, thats a bit of an over-reaction. HERC: I did that joke already. CAROLYN: Its funnier now. HERC: No its not. CAROLYN: Oh yes it is, because the stakes are higher. Why would you go to Switzerland? HERC: Because if I dont, Ill be out of a job. CAROLYN: Why? HERC: Because Swiss Airways are going international next year. CAROLYN: Oh. Bully for them. HERC: by buying up lots of smaller airlines such as Air Caledonia. CAROLYN: Ohh. HERC: with massive redundancies. Now, as a senior captain, I have the option of keeping my job if I move to Zurich; or I can take redundancy. CAROLYN: And get another job? HERC: Where? CAROLYN: Well, I dont know. HERC: Well, nor do I. Fifty-six year old pilots are far less in demand that youd think. CAROLYN: Id assume theyre in no demand whatsoever. HERC: I realised, even as I said it, I was talking to the wrong person. CAROLYN: Well, you should go. HERC: Oh. Should I? CAROLYN: Yes, of course you should. I dont want you to give up your job for me. Im not asking you to do that. HERC: You dont want me to stay? CAROLYN: Well, I-I Im not asking you to stay. HERC: I understand that. Do you want me to stay? CAROLYN: I dont want you not to stay. HERC: I will stay if you want me to. CAROLYN: I dont want to be the reason you stay. HERC: Yes. Thats noted. The thing is, though: you would, as it happens, be the reason I stay, if I stay. How do you feel about that? CAROLYN: I dont know. HERC: Dont you? Thats okay. No. Mull it over, though. (Radio on.) MARTIN (into radio): Fitton Tower, this is Golf Echo Romeo Tango India. FITTON ATC (over radio): allo, chaps! Timed that well. Come straight in. Cleared number one for the approach. MARTIN (slowly): Yyyyes. Actually, Karl, wed like to hold before landing.

KARL: Y-you want me to put you in the hold? MARTIN: Yes, we do. KARL (laughing in disbelief): After all the bellyaching you normally give me? MARTIN: Even after that. KARL: Why? MARTIN: We just do. KARL: All right then! Golf Tango India, once round the holding pattern. Enjoy the view! MARTIN: No we need to hold for (he mutters calculations under his breath) about twenty circuits. KARL: Twenty?! MARTIN: Yes! Is that all right with you?! KARL: No, its fine with me. You arent half gonna get dizzy, though. Enter the hold at Arden; maintain flight level seven-zero, and advise when youve had enough and wanna go on the dodgems instead. ARTHUR: Okay, Ive got Harold the Fifth of Norway, and I pick Stateliness. Seven out of ten. MAXIMILIAN: Bad luck. Ive got me again. (Arthur sighs in exasperation.) MARTIN (coming out of the flight deck): Hello. Everything all right back here? ARTHUR: Hi, Skip. Er, yeah. Maxi and me have invented European Monarch Top Tr umps but he scores ten out of ten for everything. MARTIN: What about Size of Kingdom? MAXIMILIAN: Its not a category. ARTHUR: Yeah, I said we should have that. MARTIN: Well, anyway, I just wanted to explain Theresa? Er, y-you may have noticed were going round in circles and THERESA: Yes. Are you burning off fuel to reduce your landing weight? MARTIN: Er, yes! How did you know? THERESA: Oh, how much extra did you load? MARTIN: Well, about sixteen hundred litres. THERESA: Oh, goodness! ARTHUR: Wow, Skip. Mums gonna kill you! MARTIN: Thank you, Arthur. Im aware of that. THERESA: Oh! Oh, this is the anti-terrorism expert, yes? A bit of a dragon, is she?! MARTIN (laughing nervously): Er, well, yeah, if you met her (he stutters) dont ever say that to her, but yes. MAXIMILIAN (mockingly): Are you scared of her? MARTIN: Well, yes, I am. THERESA: Dont be rude, Maxi. Youre scared of the Sheikh of Qatar. MAXIMILIAN: Im not scared of him. I could have his head cut off. THERESA: You have to stop saying that all the time. You cant have anyones head cut off! MAXIMILIAN: I can if they commit treason. THERESA: Theyre not going to commit treason! ARTHUR: Ooh, I know, I know! Why dont you command them to cut their own head off? And then, if they do it, their heads cut off, and if they dont do it, theyve committed treason and you can have their head cut off! MAXIMILIAN (excitedly): Yeahhh! THERESA: Thank you, Arthur, but the last thing Maxi needs is a henchman. MARTIN: Maxi, can I give you some advice? MAXIMILIAN: You?! But youre a commoner. MARTIN: Yeah. Even so, um, when-when the Sheikh of Qatar is giving you a hard time, dont tell him youre going to cut his head off even if you can which you-you cant. It just makes you look like, um well, it makes you look like a man with a medal for being alive in the year two thousand. (Radio on.) KARL: allo, Golf Tango India. ows life on the Magic Roundabout? DOUGLAS: Hallo, Karl. KARL: Its ever so restful watching you, you know. Round and round and round, like-like one of those mobiles you hang on a cot. MARTIN: Tower, please confine KARL (interrupting): Aaaaanyway: silly question, I know, because obviously you live in the air now, but dyou fancy comin in? DOUGLAS: No thanks, Karl. Well have another five laps worth, please. KARL: Fair enough. Why stop just when youre beginning to enjoy yourself? Remain in the holding pattern; and scream if you wanna go faster!

MARTIN (exasperated): Thank you, Tower. (Radio off. Flight deck door opens.) THERESA: Er, excuse me? DOUGLAS: Ah, hallo. THERESA: Hello. I, er, just wanted to say thank you, Martin, for talking to Maxi. MARTIN: Oh. Youre welcome. THERESA: Its tricky becoming king so young. So easy to let it ruin you. MARTIN: Yes. I had the same thing when I was made Junior Corporal. THERESA: Anyway, thank you. (She laughs nervously.) MARTIN: Theresa, can I can I can I ask you a question? THERESA: Yes! MARTIN: Er, how come you know so much about landing weights? THERESA: Well, actually, when I was little, I-I wanted to be a pilot. MARTIN: No! THERESA: Is that so crazy? MARTIN: No, not at all! Its just when I was little, I wanted to be a pilot! THERESA: Well, yyyes I-I-I thought maybe you did. MARTIN: How did you know?! THERESA: Because youre a pilot. MARTIN: Oh! Yes. Yes, I am. THERESA: Youre doing the thing you always wanted to do. Youre-youre very lucky. MARTIN (slowly): I suppose I am. Its just, no-ones ever called me lucky before. (The sat comm begins to ring.) DOUGLAS: Ah. And this, Im afraid, may illustrate why not. MARTIN (plaintively as he answers the sat comm): Hello? CAROLYN (furiously over sat comm): Martin, what the hell is going on? MARTIN: I thought you were delayed! CAROLYN: We were delayed by three hours and yet here you still are, flying round and round in circles like a moth round a light bulb! So what as I believe I asked before the hell and this had better be really good is going on?! MARTIN: Right. Er, look, the thing is THERESA: Martin, let me talk to her. MARTIN: Er, thank you, but its best THERESA (firmly): I will talk to her. MARTIN: Okay THERESA: Hello? CAROLYN: What? Who are you? THERESA: I am Her Serene Highness Princess Theresa Gustava Bonaventura of Liechtenstein, Countess of Sponheim and Protector Extraordinary of the Cantons of Nmes! (Imperiously) Who are you? CAROLYN (humbly): Call me Carolyn. THERESA (sternly): Are you in charge? What is the meaning of this intolerable delay? CAROLYN: I am so sorry, Your Highness. I am Im just interrogating the captain and, when I find out, I assure you THERESA (interrupting): The captain? What has it to do with the captain? CAROLYN: Well hes the one flying the plane. THERESA: Of course he is round and round in circles. CAROLYN: Exactly! And when Ive found out why THERESA: on my command. CAROLYN: O-on your Sorry? THERESA: While we wait and we wait and we wait for you to arrive. CAROLYN: For me? Why? THERESA: To receive us, of course. We are the King and Princess of Liechtenstein. Do you think wed simply land in any old airport without reception, without having it swept for assassins? CAROLYN: I do I-I do apologise. I assassins? THERESA: Yes! Now sweep for those assassins, and once you are sure there arent any, you may call us back. CAROLYN: I think I can be fairly sure, even now THERESA (loudly): CALL US BACK! CAROLYN: Yes, yes, Your Highness. (Sat comm off.) MARTIN: Wwwwow! That was amazing! I thought you said you werent that sort of princess?

THERESA: No, but my mother is. That was basically her. MARTIN: Thank you so much. You saved my life. THERESA: Yes, well always useful to have a princess around to rescue you from dragons. MARTIN: Honestly, I-I-I dont know how I can thank you. THERESA: Well think of something. MARTIN: Okay. THERESA: Im waiting. MARTIN: Okay I I am thinking of something. THERESA (hopefully): Yes? MARTIN: But I dont know if its the same thing youre thinking of. THERESA: No, well, you wont know until you try, will you? MARTIN: Okay Well (He breathes in deeply, blows out a nervous breath, then speaks rapidly.) MARTIN: Would you like to go to Duxford Air Museum with me? THERESA: Okay, so its not what I was thinking of MARTIN: Oh God! Im so sorry! I should never have asked THERESA: No, but its not bad. (She laughs.) We can go tomorrow? MARTIN: Really? THERESA: Sure! MAXIMILIAN (calling out from the cabin): Theresa! THERESA (flirtatiously to Martin): See you later. (Flight deck door closes.) DOUGLAS (amazed): Well! MARTIN: Did she just DOUGLAS (impressed): Oh, yes! Congratulations, Martin. Youve got yourself a bobsled.

SEASON 4 EPISODE 4: Wokingham

This week, Wokingham! MARTIN: Fuel balanced. DOUGLAS: Beautifully done. MARTIN: Thank you. (Flight deck door opens.) CAROLYN: Whats wrong with the flight deck service bell? MARTIN: Er, nothing, is there? CAROLYN: Well, it keeps ringing. DOUGLAS: Yes. We rang it. CAROLYN: Then cease from ringing it. MARTIN: But we always ring it when we want Arthur to bring CAROLYN: Yes, but Arthur is not here; and when Arthur is not here, the flight deck service bell becomes an object of purely decorative interest. MARTIN: But what if we really need CAROLYN (interrupting): No, no, no, no, no. Let me spell this out for you in words of one syllable. DOUGLAS: Oh, good! Off you go. CAROLYN (slowly, pedantically): You do not so much as touch the service bell unless DOUGLAS and MARTIN (almost simultaneously): Ohhh! MARTIN: Ser-vice. DOUGLAS: Shame. Still, good effort. CAROLYN: I was not playing! MARTIN (haltingly): I bet I can go on for a more long time. DOUGLAS: All right, youre on. Whats the bet? MARTIN: I dont know. Maybe DOUGLAS: Whatever it was, you just lost it. Okay, my turn. MARTIN: Your turn at what? DOUGLAS (pedantically): Nice try, my friend. (Martin groans in frustration.) DOUGLAS: but you will not catch me out, so MARTIN: So ? DOUGLAS: so there.

(Again Martin grunts. The sat comm beeps.) DOUGLAS (into sat comm): Good day. MJN Air. How can we help you? ARTHUR (over sat comm): Hi, Douglas, its me. Is Mum there? CAROLYN: Yes, Im here. What have you done now? ARTHUR: Nothing! Nothing. Its-its just, um Ive got a sort of hypocritical question. CAROLYN: Ooh! Have you indeed? ARTHUR: Yeah. Suppose something had happened CAROLYN: What have you done? ARTHUR: No, I havent done anything! Its not my fault. And also maybe nothings happened. Um, but if -if something had happened and if there was nothing that one of you its about can do until they get back, should I tell you now, or should I wait until you land? CAROLYN: Is the person me? ARTHUR: Im not saying anything has happened. Im just saying, if it did CAROLYN: Yes, dear. Youve been tremendously cunning. Now, just tell us. ARTHUR: Okay, good. Um, Skip, your mum just called. MARTIN: Yes? ARTHUR: Right. And-and basically, the main thing she wants to say is that she has not had a heart attack. MARTIN: Shes had a heart attack?! ARTHUR: No! No! I mean oh, you really couldnt have got that more wrong, Skip! A-a heart attack i-is what she has not had. MARTIN: What do you mean?! What has she had? ARTHUR: Not a heart attack! She was very clear about that! MARTIN: Where is she? ARTHUR: Okay when I tell you where she is, Skip, youve gotta not worry too much, because in fact MARTIN (interrupting): Shes in a hospital? ARTHUR (high-pitched in surprise): How did you know?! MARTIN: Tell her Ill be there in three hours. (Footsteps, and Martins anxious breathing.) MARTIN: Mum. Are you okay? WENDY: Oh, Martin, sweetheart. You didnt need to come. (They kiss each other.) WENDY: Im completely fine. Its all a fuss about nothing. Oh, no, look youre in your uniform. You didnt come straight from work? MARTIN: Well, of course I did. WENDY: Oh, you shouldnt have. You didnt leave it in the middle, did you? MARTIN: Well, no. I I-I landed the plane. WENDY: Oh good. MARTIN: But, Mum, what happened? WENDY: Oh, nothing really. MARTIN: What, you just fancied a go in an ambulance? WENDY: No. I-I told them I didnt need an ambulance. It was all a silly fuss. I was just stacking the chairs up after the RNLI thing We did ever so well, you know, Martin. We got forty pounds MARTIN: Tha-tha-thats lovely, Mum, but-but just for now stick to the part about you ending up in hospital. WENDY: Well, when I finished, I was just a bit out of breath, thats all; and all it was was I had a bit of that funny throbbing thing I get, you know MARTIN: Wha-wha-what, in your chest? Chest pains? WENDY: Well, not chest pains, you know not Ooh, chest pains! Honestly, Martin, all I needed was a quick sit-down and it would have gone away, but nothing would please that fusspot Sandra but to send for the ambulance. Honestly, an ambulance! For me! Can you imagine? MARTIN: Yes, yes, I can. WENDY: But what if someone had really needed it? (Approaching footsteps.) CAITLIN: Mum! Are you okay? WENDY: Oh, Caitlin, not you as well. You shouldnt have come. (They kiss each other.) CAITLIN: Of course I should! (In a less affectionate voice) Hi, Martin. MARTIN: Hi, Cat. WENDY: Oh, look, youre in your uniform. Have you come from work too? CAITLIN: Of course I have! WENDY: But you finished your shift, didnt you? CAITLIN: No! I told them my mum was in hospital and I

WENDY: Oh no! At least Martin finished his shift. MARTIN: Mum, I didnt really have a choice. WENDY: Go on, Caitlin: go back and finish your shift. Ill be fine. CAITLIN: They can get along without me, Mum. WENDY: They cant. MARTIN: Mum, they really can. CAITLIN: What does that mean, Martin? MARTIN: What? Nothing! I was agreeing with you! CAITLIN: Agreeing with me that my job doesnt matter? MARTIN: No! I just meant Wokingham can probably struggle by for a bit with one less traffic warden. CAITLIN: Its fewer. And I suppose youre indispensable, are you? MARTIN: No, Im not saying that. DR. WHITE (male, coming over to the group): Everything all right over here, Wendy? WENDY: Oh, yes, thank you, Doctor White. Im sorry the children were squabbling. CAITLIN: We werent squabbling! MARTIN: Were not children! DR. WHITE: Yes. Pleased to meet you. Er, sorry to take you away from your party. CAITLIN: What party? MARTIN: Oh, no. Er, the-these actually are our jobs. DR. WHITE: Oh, I see! Oh. Now, Wendy. Er, the good news is your ECG and your blood tests look pretty cheerful, and we dont think youve had a heart attack. WENDY: You see! I told you so. DR. WHITE: Its looking more like a spot of angina, but to be sure, I think well keep you in for a few days WENDY: Oh no! DR. WHITE: no more than a week, and do a few investigations. WENDY: Oh, but really, no, Im fine, honestly. Cant I just go home? DR. WHITE: Well you could come in as an outpatient. Is there someone at home thatd look after you? WENDY: Oh, I can look after myself. CAITLIN: Dont be silly! We can do it between us, cant we, Martin? MARTIN: Er, yes, pr-probably. And of course theres Simon too. WENDY: Oh, now, youre not to bother Simon. MARTIN: Its not bothering him. We all WENDY: No, no, I really wont have you disturbing Simon. His jobs so important. CAITLIN: My jobs important. MARTIN: Yes, and my jobs actually important. CAITLIN: What dyou mean actually? MARTIN: I mean both of our jobs are important, like Simons. WENDY: But Simon works for the government! MARTIN (indignantly): He works for the council! WENDY: Well, exactly. (Flight deck door opens.) CAROLYN: Hello, drivers oh, driver. How long now? DOUGLAS: About three hours. CAROLYN: Right. (Pause.) CAROLYN: Oh gosh. Its boring up here when its just you, isnt it? DOUGLAS: Took the words right out of my mouth. CAROLYN: Well, dont you have some sort of game going? DOUGLAS: I dont think so. Only the Words of One Syllable one. CAROLYN: Oh yes! You were terrible at that. DOUGLAS (indignantly): I was not! CAROLYN: You were. You said accident. DOUGLAS: Oh, come on. That wasnt part of the game! CAROLYN: Nevertheless. DOUGLAS: Well, you couldnt even manage a full sentence! CAROLYN: I wasnt playing! (Slight pause.) DOUGLAS (carefully): Well then. Do you think you could do more well now? CAROLYN (carefully): I think I could do far far more well. DOUGLAS: Right. Well then. (Carefully) Let us both play at the same time, and the first one to use a word of more than one (long pause) sound will lose.

CAROLYN: You are on. And you will lose. DOUGLAS (at normal speed): As I say: you took the words right out of my mouth. CAROLYN: Ah! DOUGLAS: Yes? CAROLYN (frustrated): Ohh! (Sound of a kettle boiling.) MARTIN: Mum! Dyou want tea? WENDY (from a distance): Oh, Ill make it. MARTIN: No-no-no, dont get up. I can (Squeak of the kitchen door opening.) WENDY: Oh, I can do that. (Martin groans.) WENDY (a little breathlessly): Go and sit down. MARTIN: No, really, Mum, thats thats not how the looking after thing works. WENDY: But Im fine, really. I MARTIN: I know. You could run a marathon. Would you like some tea? WENDY: Oh, well, only if youre making some. MARTIN: I am making some. Weve definitely established that. WENDY: All right, then. MARTIN: Good. Milk, one sugar still? WENDY: Oh, just however it comes. MARTIN: It comes however y Fine. (Pouring of water.) WENDY: Oh, give me the chipped mug. MARTIN: Well, I-I-I could do that, or we could both have mugs without chips! WENDY: But I dont mind the chipped mug. MARTIN: I-I know you dont mind it, but Fine. There you are. Already-being-made tea, however it comes, in a chipped mug. Just the way you like it. WENDY: Dear, you-youre very good to Oh, Martin. Youre having coffee! MARTIN: I know. WENDY: Id have had coffee. MARTIN: Mum, two things: you dont like coffee; and youre not allowed to have coffee! WENDY: It would have been fine. MARTIN (loudly): Yes, absolutely fine, except you wouldnt have enjoyed it and it might have given you a heart attack! WENDY: Im sorry. MARTIN (apologetically): No, no, Mum. I-I-I-Im sorry. I didnt mean to snap at you. Im sorry. WENDY: No, it was my fault. Im sorry. I-I just dont want to be any trouble, thats all. MARTIN (plaintively): I know. Thats the beautiful irony. MARTIN (yawning): Morning, Carolyn. CAROLYN: Good morning, bright eyes. Are you all right? MARTIN: Mmm? Fine. CAROLYN: Wheres Douglas? MARTIN: Hes just (he yawns) Hes just (he yawns again) Hes just (The portacabin door opens.) DOUGLAS: Good morning, Martin. MARTIN: Well, hes here now. DOUGLAS (carefully): Oh. And good day to you. CAROLYN (carefully): Good day to you too. MARTIN: Whats going on? DOUGLAS (carefully): That damned game, where speech must be kept down to words of one sound. MARTIN: Youre not still playing that? CAROLYN: Two days now. It turns out were both quite good. (Carefully) Well, I cant brief like this. DOUGLAS (carefully): Fine. Brief him. Ill go and do the man-looks-at-plane bit. (He goes out and closes the door.) CAROLYN (relieved): Oh, thank heavens. So, Martin, heres Martin! (Sing-song) Mar-tin! MARTIN (jerking awake): Ah, yes, hello! Im awake. CAROLYN: Martin. Are you fit to fly? MARTIN: Mmm, yes! Just, um (he yawns as he speaks) six hours of Mum not being any trouble, then another six being a Man with a Van, and now Im gonna fly a plane, somewhere.

CAROLYN: No youre not. Youre going home to bed. (Martin sighs.) CAROLYN: Douglas and I can do this one. Look, you need to talk to your family. MARTIN: Oh, I cant. They think whenever Im not on a trip Im available to look after Mum. They dont know about Icarus Removals. CAROLYN: Well, tell them. MARTIN: I cant tell them! Theyre little enough impressed by me being a pilot; how can I tell them that I actually make a living out of Dads old van? CAROLYN: I dont know, but you need to find a way. However, for now, there is another solution. MARTIN: Yes? CAROLYN: Your mother, from the sounds of it, represents the immovable force of someone who needs helping but does not want to be helped. MARTIN: Yes! CAROLYN: Well, we have at our disposal do we not the irresistible force of someone who loves helping and doesnt really notice whether people want him or not. (Doorbell. A front door is opened.) WENDY: Hello? ARTHUR: Hello! Are you Mrs Skip? WENDY: No, Im Im sorry, youve got the wrong ARTHUR: Oh, sorry, I mean Mrs Crieff? Hello! Im Arthur. Skip said youd be expecting me? WENDY: No, no. I told him I dont want to bother a stranger. Im really perfectly fine, honestly. ARTHUR: Great! Can I come in? (The door closes as Arthur comes in.) WENDY: Oh, well, of course if I can get you a cup of tea or anything, but you mustnt ARTHUR: Oh, brilliant! Can I make it? WENDY: No, no, no! You sit down. Ill make it. ARTHUR: Yeah, but can I, though? Its just Im really good at teas and coffees. Its probably my best thing. That, or crazy golf. WENDY: Well, I-I-I suppose ARTHUR: Great! (Footsteps as Arthur heads for the kitchen.) ARTHUR: Its, er, straight its through here, is it? Ooh and Ive brought Boggle, Guess Who?, Connect Four and Kerplunk. WENDY: Are they rappers? ARTHUR: No, no, theyre games. WENDY: Oh, you really mustnt feel you have to waste your time entertaining me. ARTHUR: No, no! I love playing games! But I can never get anyone to play with me! WENDY: Oh. Well, I-I-I dont think Id be very good. ARTHUR: Well, itd be brilliant if you werent, because I am awful. And also, Ive brought, er, two jigsaws, a book of Word Searches, and some cables from my drawer. WENDY: Some cables? Why did you bring those? ARTHUR: Well, they sort of came out along with everything else, and I thought we could have fun trying to untangle them. (In flight.) CAROLYN (carefully): Well. Since my son is not on the plane, I may as well make the hot drinks. Would you like one? DOUGLAS: Thatd be most kind, thanks. [Transcribers note: does Thatd count as two syllables?!] CAROLYN: Tea? DOUGLAS: No, could I have (Long pause.) DOUGLAS (carefully): the one that is not tea? CAROLYN: The one that is not tea. Which one is that? DOUGLAS: You know what it is. CAROLYN: Beer! Oh, dear Doug, no! You cant have beer! DOUGLAS: No, not beer. CAROLYN: Wine! (Carefully) No, no wine for you, my friend. DOUGLAS (carefully): I do not want wine. I want the hot drink made from a bean, which comes in types such as Gold Blend. CAROLYN (carefully): I think I know which one you mean, but I will need you to ask for it by name, just to be

sure. DOUGLAS: Fine. I will have tea. ARTHUR: Is that a bit of your beard, Wendy? WENDY: I dont think so. I think its your tail. ARTHUR: Oh yeah, yeah. (The front door opens.) MARTIN: Hello? Mum? WENDY: Oh, Martin! Hello! Were in here! (Internal door opens.) MARTIN: Ooh, gosh! Youve been busy! ARTHUR: Hi, Skip! It turns out Wendy and I are amazing at jigsaws! Arent we, Wendy? WENDY: Well, youre very good. ARTHUR: Youre very good. Weve already done the two I brought, so, er, now weve mixed up the pieces and were doing them both together. MARTIN: What, to make one big ? ARTHUR: Well, thats what Id hoped, too, but no it looks like theyre coming out the same. Er, dyou wanna help? WENDY: Oh, no, you dont have to. MARTIN: No, Id like to. ARTHUR: Great! Any edges, give them to me. I am basically the edges guy. (Sound of the three of them sorting through jigsaw pieces.) WENDY: Where have you parked your car? MARTIN: Just round the corner. WENDY: Oh, dont do that! Bring it onto the drive. Itll be safer. MARTIN (chuckling): Safer than the mean streets of Wokingham? WENDY: Yes. MARTIN: Itll be fine. WENDY: Well, you know best. MARTIN (a little hesitantly): Actually, Mum, I didnt bring my car. WENDY: Didnt you, love? MARTIN: No. I, er, I came in the van Dads old van. WENDY: Oh, really? Youve still got that running, have you? ARTHUR: Yeah, its brilliant. Once, we nearly went to Devon. MARTIN: Yes. Actually, Mum, as it happens, I, um, use it for work a bit, between trips you know, deliveries or removals, Man with a Van stuff. Im a Man with a Van. WENDY: Oh, Martin, thats wonderful! MARTIN: Is it? WENDY: Of course! What, li-li-like your own business? MARTIN: Well I suppose so. WENDY: Oh, your dad would be ever so pleased. MARTIN: Would he? WENDY: Oh, yes! He always said you should have the van. Between you and me, Simon always wanted it, but your dad said, No, hell lose interest in a month, and he wont change the oil or get it MOTd. Martin should have it. And now youre running your own business with it. Hed be ever so proud! MARTIN (softly): Yes. (In a normal tone) And of course, also Im an airline pilot. WENDY: Oh yes. Yes, hed like that too. (Flight deck door opens.) CAROLYN: Well, then. Are you all set to go home? DOUGLAS: Yes I am. And you? (Carefully) Are all the folk in their seats? CAROLYN (carefully): Yes. They are all (At normal speed) Oh, Im sick of this game. DOUGLAS: Me too. CAROLYN: Were both just too good at it. Shall we call it a draw? DOUGLAS: I think we should, yes. (Pause.) CAROLYN (carefully): And yet I note you have still not said a word with more than one sound in it. DOUGLAS (carefully): And nor have you. CAROLYN (slowly): No. DOUGLAS (carefully): So. It seems it is a sort of mate which has gone stale. CAROLYN: Yes. Or does it? (Bing-bong.)

DOUGLAS: Hey! CAROLYN (into cabin address as naturally as she can): Good day, folks! Well all be on our way in just a tick. But first, a few words from the guy at the front in the hat! DOUGLAS (angrily): Oh! Thanks. (Into cabin address, carefully) Well. Hi guys. I am most glad to have you all with me on the plane for this short trip from here to the U.K. My name is Doug (long pause) Smith, and I am the one who will fly you this day. We will take one hour for our trip and we fly at a height of quite high up. But now let me pass you back to the one who spoke just now, who will take you through all the ways we keep you safe on board. CAROLYN: Thank you! (Rapidly) Tell you what: just read the card on the back of the seat in front. DOUGLAS (quietly): Oh! (Sound of jigsaw pieces being moved around in the box.) MARTIN: Another edge bit, Arthur. ARTHUR: Thank you, Skip. SIMON (coming in the front door): Hello, hello, hello! Anyone home? WENDY: Oh, its Simon! Simon, were in here! SIMON (opening the door and coming in): Mummo! WENDY: Oh, Simon, you shouldnt have come. SIMON: Shouldnt have come to see my poor old ma when shes been wounded in the field? Try keeping me away, thats all! MARTIN: We havent really needed to try for five days, have we? SIMON: Martin! Come here, chap! MARTIN: Oh, no, dont SIMON: Big hug! MARTIN: Mmm, its-its very nice to see you too, Simon. SIMON: No, no, no, none of that. Big hug. (Martin whimpers and groans, his voice muffled.) WENDY (fondly): Ahh, lovely! MARTIN (muffled): Its not lovely! SIMON: Ooh, its good to see you, eh? MARTIN (muffled): Dont lift me up! SIMON: And up he goes! MARTIN: No! SIMON: Whee! MARTIN: Put me down! SIMON: Hes flying! Whee! MARTIN: Put me down! Put me down! WENDY (fondly): Ohh! Its lovely to see you two having fun. (Martin protests incoherently.) SIMON: Now then, Mummo. Why didnt you tell me you were poorly? MARTIN: Well, I told you. WENDY: Oh, I know how busy you are. SIMON: Not too busy for you. Cant have you languishing here with no-one to look after you, can we? MARTIN: Not no-one. WENDY: No, Martins been very good. SIMON: Is that so? Well, good on you, chap, huh? MARTIN: Thank you, Simon No, no, no, wait, I SIMON: Now then, Mummo. First thing tomorrow Im getting my doctor to take a look at you. WENDY: Oh, theres no need. MARTIN: Your doctor? What doctor do you have? SIMON: Good old Doc Smiley, of course. MARTIN: What, Nathan Smiley, from school? SIMON: Thats right! Remember him, do you? MARTIN: Of course I remember him. He threw my briefcase on the Science Block. And hes a podiatrist! SIMON: And a bloody good one. MARTIN: He wont know anything about angina. WENDY: Martin, perhaps we should let Simon do what he thinks best. SIMON: Well, probably the best plan, chap, you know but well done for sticking to your guns. Shows a good spirit, huh? Keep it up. MARTIN: Thank you, Simon No!

DOUGLAS: Cant you just stand up to him? MARTIN: I try, but he just sort of steamrollers over me with his voice and his moustache. DOUGLAS: With his moustache? MARTIN: Really hard to argue with someone with a moustache that bushy. DOUGLAS: I reckon I could have a crack at it. MARTIN: Im sure you could you or Carolyn, but Im afraid Im not you or Carolyn. Im me. DOUGLAS: True but you know me and Carolyn. MARTIN: So? DOUGLAS: Well, were driving to Stansted on Sunday, arent we? Perhaps we ought to call in on the way and wish your mother well the whole crew. In our uniforms. MARTIN (delightedly): Oh, yes! Fantastic! (Doorbell. The front door is opened.) ARTHUR: Hi, Wendy! Its me! WENDY: Hello, Arthur. ARTHUR: And, er, this is Mum. CAROLYN and WENDY: Hello. ARTHUR: Mum, this is Martins mum. Martins mum, this is my mum. Thats quite fun to say! And, er, thi s is Martin, who you already know. (Front door closes as everyone comes in.) WENDY: Oh, Martin, look at you in your uniform. Arent you smart? Look at your hat! CAROLYN: Quite a sight, isnt it? Er, Carolyn. CAITLIN: Caitlin. Let me take your coats. CAROLYN: Oh, thank you. CAITLIN: And your hat, Martin? MARTIN: Er, no. Its all right. CAITLIN: Why? Arent you stopping? MARTIN: Yes, but I i-i-isnt Simon here yet? CAITLIN: Yes, hes just through there. Why wont you take your hat off? MARTIN (calling out): Simon! SIMON (from a nearby room): Hello, chap. Arent you coming through? MARTIN: Er, yes unless you want to come out here and, er SIMON: No, well, no-no point if youre coming through, is there, now? MARTIN: No, fine. (Quieter, irritated, to Caitlin) Go on, then. Take the hat. (Thump as he throws his hat to her.) CAITLIN: Oh! Thank you! SIMON (his voice getting louder as he comes towards the hall): All right, all right, all right, whats the big hold-up out here, huh? MARTIN: Oh, Simon! (Frantically, to Caitlin) Give it back! Give it back! CAITLIN: Give what back? MARTIN (his voice rising): My hat! Give me back my hat! SIMON: Martin! MARTIN: Simon! Hello. Sorry to be dressed like this. Were, er, on our way to work. Thats my hat Caitlins got. SIMON: Good lord! Is it? Anyway hug? MARTIN: No, no, no. Ill crease my uniform my captains uniform. SIMON: Ooh, I dont think so. Looks pretty polyester-tastic to me. Come ere! MARTIN (muffled, protesting): Dont lift me. Please, dont lift me. SIMON: And up we go! (The doorbell rings and the door is opened. Martin continues to protest in a muffled voice.) DOUGLAS: Have I got the right house? MARTIN (muffled): Put me down! Put me down! SIMON: Whos flying?! (He chuckles.) DOUGLAS: Yes, I think I have. (Martin gasps for breath.) WENDY: Come on in. The boys are just playing. DOUGLAS: So I see. SIMON: Ahh, there you go. (Martin pants as Simon puts him down.) MARTIN (breathlessly): Right, right. So, this is Wendy, Caitlin and Simon, and this is Douglas, my first officer.

WENDY: Lovely to meet you. CAITLIN: First officer? Is that like the captains captain? DOUGLAS: Not quite, in fact. MARTIN: Im the captain. You know Im the captain. CAITLIN: Well, yes, but youre not his captain, surely. MARTIN: Yes, I am! Arent I, Douglas? Tell them. CAROLYN (eagerly): Oh yes, do. DOUGLAS: Oh yes. He is (carefully) he is my That is who he is. CAITLIN (surprised): Oh! And is he good? DOUGLAS: Oh, yes! He is most most good. MARTIN (flatly): Great. Thanks, Douglas. Terrific. WENDY: Well, shall we go on through? After you, Mrs Knapp-Shappey. CAROLYN: Oh, please, call me (She stops.) DOUGLAS: Yes? CAROLYN: Ca. MARTIN: Ca? CAROLYN: Yes! Ca. Short for (She whines slightly.) DOUGLAS: Yes? CAROLYN: fun. Short, for fun. MARTIN: Oh no. Youre not still CAROLYN: What? (Stilted) All is well. MARTIN: Okay, can I see you both in the kitchen please? MARTIN (irritated): Youre still playing the game! CAROLYN: What? No! Of course not! MARTIN: You are! DOUGLAS: What game? MARTIN: Say sausages either of you. (Pause.) DOUGLAS: I think not. (Martin groans in frustration.) MARTIN: You said youd help me! That was the whole point! For once I was gonna look good in front of my brother, and now youre too busy playing your stupid game! CAROLYN: Well, we can do both. MARTIN: No you cant! You sound like a couple of broken Speak and Spells. DOUGLAS: That is a touch harsh. MARTIN: Stop it! Okay, look: Im declaring an amnesty. While youre in this house, the game s on hold, okay? CAROLYN: Suits me. DOUGLAS: And me. MARTIN: Good! Thank you. DOUGLAS: Right, then, shall we go back in? CAROLYN: Yes, lets. MARTIN: Wait a minute. Say sausages. CAROLYN: You first. DOUGLAS: No, you. MARTIN: Oh, for heavens sakes! All together, after three. One, two, three (He draws in an expectant breath, then quietly screams in frustration when nobody speaks.) MARTIN: Seriously! One two three DOUGLAS and CAROLYN (simultaneously): Sausages! MARTIN: Thank you! CAROLYN: Oh! Thats a relief! (Martin lets out a relieved sigh.) CAROLYN: Antidisestablishmentarianism. DOUGLAS: Excellent! Shall we re-combine with the familial gathering in the vestibule? CAROLYN: Assuredly! WENDY: Is everything okay? You mustnt stay if you need to go. MARTIN: No-no-no. Its all fine. CAITLIN: What were you arguing about?

MARTIN: Nothing. Just discussing a procedural aviation matter. SIMON: Right. Because it sounded like you were all shouting sausages. CAROLYN: Yes; a small contretemps concerning the catering arrangements, but Martin sorted it all out. DOUGLAS: As usual. SIMON: What was the problem? MARTIN: The problem was the-the problem was what we should serve on our next flight and the solution was sausages. SIMON: Ah, yeah, not sure, Martin. Take another pass at that if I were you. Youre forgetting the, er, kosher chaps. MARTIN: No Im not. I meant beef sausages. SIMON: Ah, now, you see, well if you get any Hindus, then they wont like that. No, no. I think your best bet is MARTIN (interrupting): No! There arent any Hindus! Its all fine! WENDY: Im sure it is, love, but why dont you listen to Simons idea? MARTIN (high-pitched and frantic under his breath): Douglas! DOUGLAS: So, Simon. I didnt introduce myself properly before. Im Douglas. Im Martins first officer his junior his second in command. SIMON: Well, pleased to meet you. I must say, you look more my idea of a pilot than old Martin here. DOUGLAS: Really? You look exactly my idea of a council administrator. SIMON: Well, senior administrator. DOUGLAS: Oh, really? Senior. Gosh. CAROLYN: The sights you must have seen. SIMON: Yes, well, I I could tell you a few stories. DOUGLAS: Please, do. (Awkward pause.) SIMON: Well, you know mustnt talk shop, you know. CAROLYN: Oh, but it would be such a treat for us! Weve been dying to hear more, ever since Martin told us all about you the other day as we flew over Monte Carlo. DOUGLAS: Was it Monte Carlo, Carolyn? I think it might have been Uganda. CAROLYN: Oh, yes, of course, when we took those nice cameramen to film mountain gorillas. DOUGLAS: Sorry. The-the trips rather blur into one after a bit. CAROLYN: Well, except for the ones like St Petersburg, where we had a bird strike on take-off and Martin landed us on one engine. DOUGLAS: Hmm! WENDY: Martin! Did you?! ARTHUR: Oh, he was brilliant. MARTIN: Well, you know, just part of the job. DOUGLAS: Huh! Well, its my job too, but I went to pieces. CAROLYN: Started crying. DOUGLAS: Im not ashamed to admit it. CAROLYN: Like a schoolgirl. DOUGLAS: Thatll do. But Martin here slapped me across the face, told me not to be a damned fool, and landed the plane single-handed, fighting the crosswind all the way down to the icy runway and saving all our lives. WENDY: Martin! CAITLIN: Thats amazing! DOUGLAS: But Im sorry were getting sidetracked. You were going to tell us your story, Simon. SIMON: Yeah. Yes. Well, er, I would, but, um, but, you know, b-best not. Official Secrets Act, you know. CAROLYN: Oh, of course. DOUGLAS: Say no more. CAROLYN: Very nice to meet you, Wendy. Sorry we cant stay longer. WENDY: Oh, no. Thank you for stopping. (Front door opens.) WENDY: It was lovely to see you all. ARTHUR: Bye, Wendy! WENDY: Bye, Arthur. (Footsteps as Carolyn, Arthur and Douglas walk away.) WENDY: Goodbye, Martin, love. MARTIN: Bye, Mum. See you Wednesday. WENDY: Yes. And Im ever so glad you told me about Icarus. MARTIN: Thanks, Mum. Im glad y Icarus?

WENDY: I-Isnt that what its called? Icarus Removals? MARTIN: Yes, but I didnt tell you that. WENDY: Didnt you? I-I-I think you did. MARTIN: No. WENDY: Oh. Well. MARTIN: You knew already? WENDY: Well, honestly, Martin, I might not be a techno, but I know enough to type my own sons name into Google every so often. MARTIN: What about the others? Do they know? WENDY: I dont know. I they might do. I think they probably do, actually. (She sniffs.) Yes, they do. MARTIN: They never said anything. WENDY: Of course not. You clearly didnt want to talk about it, so they didnt. Theyre ever so fond of you, Martin especially Simon. So, er, dont do anything like that to him again, will you? Once is enough. MARTIN: Do what? What do you mean? WENDY: So nice to meet your friends. Bye, love. Love you. MARTIN (quietly, thoughtfully): Love you too. (On the street.) DOUGLAS: All okay? MARTIN: Er, yes. I-I think so. You dont think we were too mean to Simon, do you? DOUGLAS: Good lord, no! CAROLYN: I dont think so. Why do you feel bad? MARTIN: Er, maybe a bit bad, but also, sort of mainly AMAZING! (He laughs with delight.) Im sorry, I know its petty, but it was AMAZING! (He laughs again.) Thank you so much. CAROLYN: Oh, not at all. I know what its like. Well, youve met Ruth. She still makes me feel like a fiveyear-old. MARTIN (sighing): You know, I think I could handle him if it werent for that moustache. DOUGLAS: I do think you set too much store by moustaches. CAROLYN: Ah-ha! Moustaches! MARTIN: What? CAROLYN: Three syllables. I win! DOUGLAS: But were not playing! Were on a truce! CAROLYN: No! No were not! While were in this house that was the truce. DOUGLAS: But youve used lots of long words since we left! CAROLYN: Have I? (Deliberately staccato) What when I told you how Ruth can make me feel five years old?(She laughs with delight, talking more normally) No! That was a trap, straight into which you blundered, First Officer Heffalump. MARTIN: Okay, my turn now. I didnt get a proper go on the plane. ARTHUR: Well, hang on: I havent had a go at all. DOUGLAS: You want a go, Arthur? ARTHUR: Course I do. DOUGLAS: All right, then. Your time starts now. ARTHUR: Brilliant! DOUGLAS: Short, but sweet.

SEASON 4 EPISODE 5: Xinzhou

This week, Xinzhou! (Arthur is idly humming In the Bleak Midwinter to himself as he rubs and pats at something outdoors. A strong wind is blowing.) ARTHUR: I wish I had a carrot. (Crunch of approaching footsteps.) ARTHUR: Oh, hi, guys! CAROLYN (a little breathlessly): Twenty-one minutes to go. Come on, come on, come on! Where is Martin? DOUGLAS: His hat blew off. CAROLYN: Blew off? How did it blow off? Its bigger than he is. (Calling out) Martin! MARTIN (some distance away): Yes! Just-just coming! CAROLYN: Leave your blasted hat! Nineteen minutes! MARTIN: Yes, I know. I just Got it!

CAROLYN: Well, come on, then! Arthur, is the cabin ready? ARTHUR: Er, yeah. Cargo loaded, food loaded, cabin checked; and Ive nearly finished this snowman. CAROLYN: Why are you building a snowman? ARTHUR: Its snowy. (Trotting footsteps.) MARTIN: Here I am. CAROLYN: At last. (Martin pants.) CAROLYN: Cant you get a chin strap for that thing? DOUGLAS: Dont give him ideas. (Plane door opens.) CAROLYN: All right. Everyone in. (Footsteps on the metal steps.) CAROLYN: Right. Eighteen minutes to dusk. Martin, come on! In-in-in! MARTIN: Yes, but-but-but Im just CAROLYN: This is not the time or the place to admire the beauty of China in the snow. DOUGLAS: To be fair, it is the place. CAROLYN: Douglas. (a) Shut up; (b) go and talk to the Tower. DOUGLAS: But having carried out (a), how can I CAROLYN: Now. (Flight deck door opens and closes.) CAROLYN: Right, Martin: do the walk-around. MARTIN: I was about to do the walk-around and you said, In-in-in. CAROLYN: And now Im saying, Out-out-out. Go! (Martin sighs. The cabin door opens and Martin walks down the steps.) CAROLYN: Right, Arthur: get ready for take-off. ARTHUR: Okay. Ready. CAROLYN: Good. ARTHUR: So, given that I am ready, and Skipll be a few minutes doing the walk -round, can I very quickly finish my snowman? CAROLYN: No! ARTHUR (frustrated): Oh! DOUGLAS (into radio): Xinzhou Tower, this is Golf Echo Romeo Tango India. Request start for Fitton. XINZHOU ATC (over radio): Roger, Golf Tango India, cleared to start. Be advised the airfield closes at dusk. DOUGLAS: Thank you, Tower. We know. The scheme weve come up with and I think youll admire its simplicity is to take off before that. ATC: Golf Tango India, please repeat? DOUGLAS: Roger, clear to start. (Radio off. Flight deck door opens. Martin lets out a noisy shudder.) DOUGLAS: Good heavens! Its Frosty the Snow-pilot! MARTIN: Okay, Ive done the walk -around, but then DOUGLAS: Well, alls going smoothly in here oh, except another bits fallen off GERTI. MARTIN: Oh, God. Which one? DOUGLAS: The APU start-ups failed. MARTIN: Oh no! DOUGLAS: Luckily, its final act before it expired was to start up the APU. So firstly, it died doing what it loved; and secondly, were still good to go. MARTIN: Good! Now, come and look at the snow. DOUGLAS: I can see it from here, Martin. Its lovely. Sit down, lets go. MARTIN: No Im worried about it. DOUGLAS: Oh, Martin, no. Please. MARTIN: Youll waste more time arguing about it than looking at it. DOUGLAS (tetchily): Right. Fine. (Footsteps in deep snow.) DOUGLAS (somewhat high-pitched with the cold): Yes, its absolutely fine. Come on! MARTIN: No, I I-I-I just think it looks a bit slushy. DOUGLAS: Its not slushy at all! Its lovely, dry, fluffy snow. If it was slushy, I couldnt make a snowball out of it, and yet, look. MARTIN: Yeah, but it it-its not a proper snowball. It hasnt got much structural integrity (Thump of the snowball hitting Martin. He cries out.)

DOUGLAS: Seems all right to me. MARTIN: I did know you were going to do that. DOUGLAS: And yet you didnt duck. MARTIN: Yes, but look: if you just scoop it lightly (Inside the plane.) ARTHUR: Oh, thats not fair. CAROLYN: What isnt? ARTHUR: Well, look out the window. If there wasnt time for me to finish my snowman, how come Martin and Douglas get to do that? CAROLYN: Oh, good grief! (Outside.) MARTIN: You see? Its still spattering before impact. Thats why its not safe CAROLYN (walking down the steps): Gentlemen, I hate to intrude on your pilot-y winter wonderland, but we have eleven minutes to get this thing in the air. MARTIN: Carolyn, I think the snow on the wings might be too slushy for take-off. DOUGLAS: And I think its absolutely fine. CAROLYN: And so youre settling it with a snowball fight. MARTIN: No; slushy snow wont hold its shape in any great volume, whereas dry snow DOUGLAS: Uh, Martin. MARTIN: What? DOUGLAS: Take a look at that. One of Arthurs finest snowmen. You cant make that out of slush. MARTIN: Oh. Oh oh well. It must be fine, then. DOUGLAS: Yep. So everyone back on. Were flying tonight! (Footsteps going back up the steps.) DOUGLAS: Arthur? ARTHUR: Yeah? DOUGLAS: Your snowman saved the day. ARTHUR: Brilliant. (Radio on.) DOUGLAS (into radio): Tower, this is Golf Tango India at the holding point, runway one-eight, ready for takeoff. ATC: Roger. Stand by for clearance. (Radio off.) MARTIN: Yes! We actually did it! DOUGLAS: We surprisingly did and with four minutes in hand! MARTIN (sniffing): Thats funny (He sniffs again.) Can you can you smell bacon? DOUGLAS (sniffing): No. MARTIN: Really? I c I can definitely smell bacon. DOUGLAS: Martin, is this your street way of saying you think theres a policeman on the plane? MARTIN: No-no, seriously. You-you-you really cant smell it? DOUGLAS: No. MARTIN: Really? Oh dear. Does it does it mean something when you smell bacon? DOUGLAS: Ah, well, thats one for the philosophers. MARTIN: Seriously because because if you think you smell burning toast, that means you might be having a stroke. What are you having if you can smell bacon? DOUGLAS: Breakfast? (Martin sighs in exasperation.) CAROLYN (through the closed flight deck door): Oy! Drivers! Whats going on up there? Are we going or not? (Bing-bong.) DOUGLAS (over cabin address): Good evening, Carolyns and Arthurs. This is your Douglas speaking. Im delighted to tell you that four hours in a Chinese traffic jam have not been in vain and we are awaiting clearance to leave the mysterious Orient and return to the obvious Fitton. CAROLYN and ARTHUR: Hooray! DOUGLAS: Im joined in the flight deck by Martin, who will be your Martin today. MARTIN: Hello! DOUGLAS: Your cabin service attendants will be you, and I have no doubt they will be doing everything they possibly can to make the pilots flight as peaceful and pleasant as possible. CAROLYN: I wont! I shall be fast asleep throughout. DOUGLAS: which is actually a very good start. Please sit back, relax ATC (over radio): Golf Tango India.

DOUGLAS (into radio): Roger, Tower. ATC: Clearance for take-off denied. DOUGLAS: What?! Why? ATC: You have left item of cargo on your stand. Please return and pick it up. MARTIN: Oh, no, no, no! We havent! I did the walk -around! Im absolutely certain there was nothing left on the ground. ATC: I can see it from here about one metre high, half metre wide, white in colour. DOUGLAS: Its a snowman! Its just a snowman! ATC: Please return and pick it up. DOUGLAS: But we cant possibly do that before dusk! ATC: Dawn is in eight hours and four minutes. Good night! (Radio off.) ARTHUR: Im really sorry. CAROLYN: No, its-its all right. ARTHUR (plaintively): It was just a snowman. MARTIN: Yes. ARTHUR: And youve got to remember, it did save the day before it ruined the day. CAROLYN: Right. Well, this has been so much fun, lets do it all again tomorrow morning. Douglas, go and sort us out a taxi back to the hotel. Martin, shut GERTI down. Arthur, sit still and dont build any snowmen. MARTIN (hesitantly): Shut the plane down? Douglas? DOUGLAS: Oh, God. CAROLYN: What now? DOUGLAS: The APU starter motors down, and if we shut it down, we cant start it back up again. ARTHUR: Oh no! Whats the APU? MARTIN: Auxiliary Power Unit. ARTHUR: Oh no! Whats the Auxiliary Power Unit? MARTIN: It powers the plane when the engines arent on. ARTHUR: Right. CAROLYN: Well, thats all right. We-we wont need any power before we turn the engines back on. DOUGLAS: Really? And what will we do to start the engines? Rub two sticks together? CAROLYN: So we have to leave the APU running til dawn. DOUGLAS: Yes. CAROLYN: And we cant leave the plane with it running. MARTIN: Nope. CAROLYN: So we are all sleeping on GERTI tonight. (Slight pause.) ARTHUR: BRILLIANT! MARTIN: Okay. So Ive put three of the seats back as far as theyll go, and Ive got all the blankets out of the emergency kit. DOUGLAS: How cosy. And whos sleeping in the aisle? ARTHUR: Me! It looked more fun. DOUGLAS: Hmm. Well, much as I adore a slumber party, I think Ill just sit in the flight deck and read, actually. I thought I was operating tonight. Ive had three coffees. MARTIN: Y-e-s. Thing is, though, Douglas, Im afraid you sort of have to sleep. DOUGLAS: Why? MARTIN: Well, we both have to get at least five hours sleep, or well be out of hours to fly tomorrow. DOUGLAS: Martin, Ill be fine. One night in nineteen seventy-nine, I stayed awake for five days. CAROLYN: One night? DOUGLAS: And what a night. MARTIN: Yes, well, nonetheless, legally DOUGLAS: Yes, all right. (Carolyn sniffs.) CAROLYN: Arthur? Are you cooking bacon? ARTHUR: No. MARTIN: Ah! You see? I told you. CAROLYN: What did you tell who? MARTIN: I told you I could smell bacon! Douglas said he couldnt. CAROLYN: Yes, yes, definitely fried bacon. What is it? MARTIN: I dunno. Can you smell it, Arthur? (Arthur sniffs.)

ARTHUR: Not really but smell isnt my best sense. DOUGLAS: Dare one ask what is your best sense, Arthur? ARTHUR: Oh, touch, definitely. We had this game in Science once where you had to work out what things were by feeling them in a bag, and I got nearly all of them even grapes. MARTIN: Have you got any bacon? I really fancy some now. ARTHUR: No, but I-I could go and do the dinners. CAROLYN: Ooh, yes. Im ravenous. MARTIN: Me too. What are we having? ARTHUR: Two chicken; two lamb. MARTIN: Ah, great! Quick as you can, then. ARTHUR: Right-o! (Galley curtain rattles as it is opened and then closed.) CAROLYN: Damn. DOUGLAS: What? CAROLYN: Oh, nothing. I I just realised I-Im not going to be back in time for Tosca. DOUGLAS: Oh dear. That wont go down well with Herc the Berk. CAROLYN: Do you mind not calling him that? DOUGLAS: Im sorry. Hercules the Berkules. CAROLYN: Anyway, I wasnt going with him. Hes in Zurich. DOUGLAS: I didnt know Air Cal flew to Zurich. CAROLYN: They dont. Hes, um, hes house-hunting. MARTIN: Is he? CAROLYN: Mmm, mmm. Yes he might might move there. DOUGLAS: Might he? CAROLYN: Yes if he wants to. MARTIN: And might you go with him? CAROLYN: Of course not! Why ever would I? MARTIN: Well, you have been going out for a year and a half. CAROLYN: Sixteen months. And we havent been going out; weve just been often in the same place. DOUGLAS: How romantic(!) MARTIN: So why might he move to Zurich? CAROLYN: Well Now look, this is secret, all right? Swiss Airways are launching internationally and theyve taken over Air Caledonia, so Herc either has to move to Zurich or take early retirement. MARTIN: Swiss Airways is going international? CAROLYN: Yes although that wasnt really the focus of my story. MARTIN: Oh, sorry. Its just th-th-theyll be recruiting, then, will they? CAROLYN: Ah, I see! Yes! Yes and you should apply. DOUGLAS: Oh. Should he? CAROLYN: Yes, of course he should. I keeping telling him he should be looking for other jobs. DOUGLAS: Do you indeed? CAROLYN: Yes! Im fed up with not being able to pay him. He needs to spread his wings. DOUGLAS: Even as we fold ours. MARTIN: Do you not think I should apply, then, Douglas? DOUGLAS: Oh, I wouldnt say that. You could. I mean, why not? You never know. But theyre a prestigious airline. MARTIN: Right. DOUGLAS: I mean, by all means throw your hat into the ring. I just wonder if there might be a less intimidating ring to aim for, first time. (Galley curtain rattles as it is opened.) ARTHUR: Er, Mum? CAROLYN: Yes? ARTHUR: A quick question: you know those small chickens you get where everyone has one each? CAROLYN: Yes. ARTHUR: What are they called? CAROLYN: Poussin. ARTHUR: Oh. Not baby chickens. CAROLYN: No. ARTHUR: Oh. Chaps, you know how we were talking about mistakes? MARTIN: What have you done? ARTHUR: and how they happen to all of us and its just one of those things? CAROLYN: What have you done? ARTHUR (frantically): It should have made it clearer! When I was ordering the catering, there was one called

baby chicken and I thought theyd be those little ones, and I love those because you feel like a giant! But they didnt mean that! It-it meant these. CAROLYN: So the catering you have laid on, Arthur, for four people trapped in a plane overnight, is two jars of chicken-flavoured baby food? ARTHUR: No! Thats not all. Theres two lamb-flavoured ones as well. DOUGLAS: What did you think baby lamb was? ARTHUR: Well, all lambs are baby lambs. MARTIN: And-and-and what about breakfast? ARTHUR: I didnt order breakfast. MARTIN: Why not? ARTHUR: I thought wed be full from dinner. MARTIN (frustrated): Oh! (Rattling of a spoon in a small glass jar.) CAROLYN: Ooh, well. Im stuffed(!) MARTIN: Hmm. CAROLYN: Very nearly four teaspoons of vaguely chicken-flavoured pure. Ah, couldnt eat another thing(!) MARTIN: Are-are-are-are you sure youre not gonna have yours, Douglas? DOUGLAS: Ive rarely been surer about anything. ARTHUR: I quite like mine. I might get it again. Its nice not having to bother with chewing. CAROLYN: All right. Well, we have feasted. Now let us slumber. Shall I turn out the light? MARTIN and ARTHUR: Yeah. DOUGLAS: No! This is ridiculous! Im not in the least tired. CAROLYN: Nevertheless. (Click.) CAROLYN: Arthur. Say something. ARTHUR: Ooh! Okay! What shall I say? CAROLYN: Well, anything, just so I know where you are and I dont tread on you getting back to my seat. ARTHUR: Oh, right! (Half-singing) Here I am, dont tread on me. Here I am, dont tread on me. Here I am, dont tread on me. Here I am, dont tread on me CAROLYN: Yes, yes, all right! Youre safe. Good night, all. ARTHUR, MARTIN and DOUGLAS: Good night. (Shuffling, and clearing of throats.) DOUGLAS: All right, heres a game. MARTIN: No, no, seriously, Douglas! I will not let us fly if we dont get some sleep. DOUGLAS: This will help us sleep; take our mind off the discomfort and the hunger, and the delicious aroma of mysterious bacon. MARTIN: All right, all right! All right. What game? DOUGLAS: Question and Answer Film Double Bills. MARTIN: What do you mean? DOUGLAS: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Gandhi. MARTIN: Okay. Er Hang on, hang on. DOUGLAS: Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Fight Club! MARTIN: You always do this! You always do this! You always-always save up loads before you announce what the game is. DOUGLAS: I do no such thing. (Martin sighs.) CAROLYN: O Brother, Where Art Thou? Notting Hill. DOUGLAS: Ah, hallo. I thought you were asleep. CAROLYN: I am asleep. MARTIN: Okay, okay, okay, okay! How Green Was My Valley? DOUGLAS: Yes? MARTIN: Seven. [Transcribers note: as in Se7en] DOUGLAS: Seven?! Your valley was seven green? MARTIN: Yes. Out of ten. I think the scale is implicit. DOUGLAS: Fair enough. Okay. Who Shot Liberty MARTIN: The thing is: I dont think this is the sort of game that makes you sleepy. DOUGLAS: All right. You suggest one, then. MARTIN: All right. How about Fizz Buzz? ARTHUR: Brilliant! MARTIN: Oh, dyou know Fizz Buzz?

ARTHUR: No, but I love the name. MARTIN: Well, well, you count round the circle, but for any number thats a multiple of three, you say, Fizz, and any number thats a multiple of five, you say, Buzz. ARTHUR: Its more maths-y than the name makes it sound. MARTIN: So, it-it-its quite sort of hypnotic. Lets just, lets just try one. DOUGLAS: All right. One. MARTIN: Two. ARTHUR: Three. DOUGLAS: Well, that was unexpected(!) MARTIN: No, Arthur, um, any multiple of three, you say, Fizz. ARTHUR: I know! But three isnt a multiple of three. Its just three. MARTIN: Its one three. One time Look, just trust me, okay? ARTHUR: Okay. DOUGLAS: One. MARTIN: Two. ARTHUR: Fizz. CAROLYN: Four. MARTIN: Buzz. DOUGLAS: Fizz. ARTHUR: Five. MARTIN: No. Listen, Arthur CAROLYN: Martin, Martin, speaking as the woman who spent what felt like most of the nineteen eighties trying to teach Arthur fractions, I suggest you give in gracefully. MARTIN: Fine. ARTHUR: No! Look, Skip, its a good game. Its just a bit over-complicated. I know how about, it-its instead of odd numbers, you say, Fizz, and instead of even numbers, you say, Buzz. MARTIN: Arthur, that-that would just be DOUGLAS: It does sound quite soporific, though. Fizz. MARTIN (unwillingly): Buzz. ARTHUR (quietly): One, two (Louder) Fizz. CAROLYN: Buzz. MARTIN (yawning): Fizz. DOUGLAS: Buzz. ARTHUR (quietly): One, two, three, four, five, six (Louder) Fizz. CAROLYN (sleepily): Buzz. MARTIN (almost asleep): Fizz. (Theres an electronic buzz.) ARTHUR: Wow! GERTIs playing! (The buzzing continues.) MARTIN: Whats-whats happening? DOUGLAS: Is that the APU warning? MARTIN: Er-er-er, er, Ill go and see. ARTHUR: Ow! MARTIN: Oops! Sorry, Arthur! DOUGLAS: Ill come too. ARTHUR (frantically): Here I am, dont tread on me. Here I am, dont tread on me. Here I am MARTIN (from the flight deck): Yes, its the APU. DOUGLAS: Oh, whats up with it now? Isnt it enough were baby-sitting the damn thing? MARTIN: Well, it says, er its over-heating. DOUGLAS: Of course it is. Dear old GERTI: cover her in snow and she gets a hot flush. MARTIN: Ooh! Cover her in snow. If the snow is blowing horizontally er, which it is, it might be blocking up the inlet. MARTIN (putting on his coat): Okay, ready. (The cabin door is opened.) ARTHUR: Good luck, Skip! MARTIN: Thanks. (The door closes.) ARTHUR: Whats he gonna do? DOUGLAS: The captain is a man of immense mechanical aptitude, and it is accordingly his plan to fine-tune the running of the AP Unit by finding a hole at the back of the plane and waggling a stick in it.

ARTHUR: And will that work? DOUGLAS: Oh yes. (The cabin door opens.) MARTIN: Done it. ARTHUR: Well done, Skip! MARTIN (shivering with the cold): Ooh! Give me a hand with my coat, Arthur. (Sound of Arthur helping Martin take his coat off.) MARTIN: But its, er, its gathering up in there pretty fast. I-I tried rigging up a sort of cover for it but theres nothing to fix it to, so it just keeps blowing off. (Carolyn sniffs.) CAROLYN: Ooh! Its that bacon smell again. It must be you, Martin. It was fine until you took your coat off. MARTIN: I do not smell of bacon! ARTHUR: Ooh, you do a bit, Skip. DOUGLAS: I still cant smell anything. Perhaps its one of those shared delusions. MARTIN: Hang on, hang on, hang on. (He sniffs himself.) It is me! Its my shirt! My shirt smells of fried bacon! ARTHUR: Ah, yeah! Wow, thats brilliant! You could market those. CAROLYN: Yes, I I really dont think he could. ARTHUR: Id buy one. MARTIN: But how can my shirt smell of bacon? CAROLYN: Have you changed your detergent recently? MARTIN: Not to bacon! ARTHUR: Have you rubbed any bacon on your shirt? MARTIN: No! Ive not been near any bacon. CAROLYN: Douglas youre very quiet. DOUGLAS: Yes, well, I have nothing to say. Its baffling. Im baffled. MARTIN: Its you, isnt it? You made my shirt all baconey. DOUGLAS: I assure you, I havent touched your shirt. Scouts honour. CAROLYN: All right. Enough of this. Its one oclock; youve got six hours left to get five hours sleep, so get cracking. DOUGLAS: Have you ever thought of recording a relaxation tape? (They settle down.) ARTHUR: Ooh! Can we play more Fizz Buzz? CAROLYN: No, we cannot. Ready lights out. (Click.) ARTHUR: Here I am, dont tread on me. Here I am, dont tread on me. Here I am, dont tread on me. (He continues singing.) MARTIN: I have to say, Carolyn it-it did seem to work last time. CAROLYN: Yes, but its so moronic! Its-its just fizz and buzz. ARTHUR: Here I am, dont tread on me. CAROLYN: Arthur! Youre safe. ARTHUR: Okay. But we can make it more complicated like I know! Instead of the, er, numbers thing, its, um, if someone says, Fizz, you have to say, Buzz. DOUGLAS: Thats you making it more complicated. ARTHUR: Lets just try it. DOUGLAS: All right. Fizz. ARTHUR: Buzz! DOUGLAS: Its quite a short game, isnt it? ARTHUR: Yeah, okay; might need another rule. Um how about if -if-if someone says, Buzz, you have to say something? MARTIN: Like what? ARTHUR: Er (singing) ave a banana! CAROLYN: No, something sensible. DOUGLAS: Yes! Heaven forfend the game should be contaminated by silliness. ARTHUR: Er I cant think of anything else. CAROLYN: Well, Im not saying, Have a banana. ARTHUR: Its not Have a banana, its ave a banana! Like the song! CAROLYN: What song? ARTHUR: The the ave a banana! song. I dont really know it except for one bit. DOUGLAS (singing): Lets all go down the Strand (Silence.)

ARTHUR: You all right, Douglas? DOUGLAS: Thats the song! Thats where you say, ave a banana! ARTHUR: But you didnt say, Buzz. DOUGLAS: But you just you just made that up. ARTHUR: Well, I mean, the whole things made up, Douglas. Its not like its the law! DOUGLAS: Fine. (Singing raucously) Lets all go down the Strand . Buzz. ARTHUR: ave a banana! MARTIN: Can I can I just clarify the rules? DOUGLAS: Oh, goodie. MARTIN: If someone says, Fizz ARTHUR: Buzz. MARTIN: you have to say, Buzz ARTHUR: ave a banana! MARTIN: and then when someone says, Buzz ARTHUR: ave a banana! MARTIN: you say ave a banana! ARTHUR: Right! Yeah! So, Ill start. Fizz! MARTIN: Buzz. DOUGLAS: Carolyn, care to do the honours? CAROLYN: No. Im not saying anyth ARTHUR: Go on, Mum! Try it! Its really fun to say! CAROLYN: No! DOUGLAS: Fine. ave a banana! (Silence.) DOUGLAS: Still not a long game. MARTIN: Well, what about if there was some sort of external cue, like, um well, if someone says your name, you have to say, Fizz. ARTHUR: Oh, thats brilliant, Skip! MARTIN: Fizz. DOUGLAS: Buzz. ARTHUR: ave a banana! It works! Skip, youre a genius! MARTIN: Fizz! DOUGLAS: Buzz. ARTHUR: ave a banana! How did you think of it, Skip?! CAROLYN: Arthur, will you stop saying, Skip? MARTIN: Fizz! DOUGLAS: Buzz! ARTHUR, MARTIN and DOUGLAS: ave a banana! CAROLYN: Stop it! Stop, stop, stop, all of you! ARTHUR: Sorry, Mum. ave CAROLYN: Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. ARTHUR: Sorry! CAROLYN: All right. Enough. Two of us have to sleep, and all of us need to. So, no more games, no more chat.(Her voice becomes lilting.) Were just going to lie here quietly, until we drift off gently to sleep. (The boys sigh as they settle down. A couple of seconds later, GERTIs APU warning buzzes.) MARTIN, DOUGLAS and ARTHUR: ave a banana! CAROLYN (exasperated): Oh! (GERTIs APU warning starts to buzz again. Everyone groans sleepily.) MARTIN (yawning): Its your turn, Douglas. DOUGLAS: It cant be my turn again. ARTHUR (yawning): I havent had a turn. Can I go? DOUGLAS: I dont see why not. Follow our footprints in the snow, and its the hole below the tail about the size of a jam jar. Clear the snow out and come back. ARTHUR (yawning): Right-o. Brilliant. (Sound of him getting up.) ARTHUR (tiredly): Here I am, dont tread on me. Here I am, dont tread on me. CAROLYN: Its you moving! ARTHUR: Oh yeah. Okay, back soon! (The cabin door opens.) CAROLYN: Turn the light back off after you. ARTHUR: Okay!

(The light switch clicks and the cabin door closes. Martin sighs sleepily.) CAROLYN: So is it just going to keep doing this every twenty minutes? MARTIN: Well, as long as it keeps snowing, yes. CAROLYN: Well, cant you do something, Douglas? DOUGLAS: Such as what? CAROLYN: I dont know one of those things you do. Cant you make some sort of cover for it? DOUGLAS: Well, we cant block it while its in use. Thats the whole point and its just a hole, five foot up in the side of the plane. Theres nothing to hang a cover on. (Carolyn sighs. Theres silence for a moment.) CAROLYN: Whos Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Spiderman . DOUGLAS: Ooh! MARTIN (strained, through gritted teeth): I am so hungry! DOUGLAS: Theres still my jar of baby food if you want it. MARTIN: Huh? Oh! Youre sure youre not hungry? DOUGLAS: No, I had something at the hotel. MARTIN: Did you?! Well, no-one else did. We were all complaining there was no food. DOUGLAS: Yes, well I rustled something up. MARTIN: Did you really? And could that possibly have anything to do with why my shirt smells of bacon? DOUGLAS: How could it possibly have anything to do with that? MARTIN: I dont know. (In a dramatic and suspicious voice) But somehow. DOUGLAS: Whats Eating Gilbert Grape? Twelve Monkeys. MARTIN: Er, would you really let Herc go to Zurich, Carolyn? CAROLYN: Its not a question of letting him. Hes a grown man. MARTIN: Well, yes, but would he stay if you asked him to? CAROLYN (slowly): So I have been led to believe. MARTIN: So it is a question of letting him. CAROLYN: Go to sleep. MARTIN: Mmm. DOUGLAS: What about you, Martin? If Swiss Airways took you, youd have to live in Zurich too. MARTIN (snippily): Oh, I thought I wasnt going to apply. I thought they were too good for me. DOUGLAS: Oh, I-I didnt say that. MARTIN: No, you just thought it really loudly. DOUGLAS: But would you move to Switzerland? MARTIN: If someone would let me fly airliners, Id live anywhere they wanted me to and how far is Zurich from Vaduz? CAROLYN: Ooh, about fifty miles or so, I think. Why? DOUGLAS: Oh, I see! Duxford went well, did it? CAROLYN: Whats Duxford? DOUGLAS: Duxford Air Museum is where Martin recently escorted a charming young woman from Liechtenstein. And when I say, from, I mean the princess of. CAROLYN: What, that snotty woman we flew? MARTIN: Umm, shes nicer when you get to know her. DOUGLAS: So? How did it go? MARTIN: How did what go? DOUGLAS: Duxford! How was it? MARTIN: It was excellent, as always. DOUGLAS: Learn anything new?(!) MARTIN: Well, no its really aimed at the lay person rather than the professional pilot DOUGLAS: I didnt mean about aviation! MARTIN: Douglas! DOUGLAS: Oh, keep your hair on! Im not asking for the gory details but did you get on? MARTIN: Yes, we did. She was nice. It was a nice day. It was nice to be with her. She was very nice. DOUGLAS: Ah, love. It brings out the poet in us all. MARTIN: Im not in love! CAROLYN: So are you seeing her again? MARTIN: Mmmmight be, next week. DOUGLAS: Ooh! The difficult second date! MARTIN: Yes, well, third, actually. DOUGLAS: Oh, really? When was the second? MARTIN: Er, well, you know when we had that day off in Delhi? She happened to be in Agra. DOUGLAS: Really? What for?

MARTIN: The, um (he clears his throat nervously) the king of Swedens birthday in the grounds of the Taj Mahal, so we went to that. DOUGLAS: I see. You took her to Duxford Air Museum; she took you to a private party at the Taj Mahal. Where were you going next week? MARTIN: Croydon Airport Visitors Centre. DOUGLAS: You spoil that girl. MARTIN: It was her idea! DOUGLAS: Well, you must certainly apply to SA, then. MARTIN: Really? DOUGLAS: Absolutely! Major airline recruiting just down the road from your girlfriend? MARTIN: Shes not my girlfriend DOUGLAS: Too good a chance to miss. Even if you dont get in, the interview will be good practice; and if youdo, you might even get to fly with someone who doesnt pinch your travel iron out of your flight bag to fry himself a bacon butty. MARTIN: I knew it was you! DOUGLAS: Sorry. I didnt know you were going to use it. CAROLYN: You know, Arthurs been gone a very long time. DOUGLAS: Yes, he has, rather. MARTIN: Oh lord. Hes probably still searching for the inlet. Ill go and get him. (The cabin door opens. Footsteps on the metal steps, then they stop.) MARTIN: Guys? Theres theres someone outside by the tail! DOUGLAS: Well, thatll be Arthur. MARTIN: No-no-no! Much taller. I think hes I think hes inspecting the plane. CAROLYN: Really? (She gets up and joins Martin on the steps.) MARTIN: See? CAROLYN: Oh, good lord. Um (she clears her throat and calls out) hallo? (Sing-song) Hall-o! ARTHUR (sing-song from a short distance away): Hall-o! CAROLYN: Arthur? Is that you? ARTHUR: Er, that isnt, but-but this is! Hello! CAROLYN: Well, what is that? ARTHUR: Before I tell you, I-I promise you Ill knock him down again before we leave. CAROLYN (despairingly): Another snowman. Oh, good lord, its a compulsion. ARTHUR: No, it-it-its only to keep me busy, because I thought Id stay out here and keep the intake clear while you guys get some sleep. CAROLYN: Yeah, well, it was a very sweet thought, dear, but you cant possibly stay out here in the cold all night. Now, come on in. DOUGLAS: Oh! Of course! MARTIN: What? DOUGLAS: Arthur cant, but I know who can. Arthur! Put your back against this with me. Now, one, two, three,shove. ARTHUR: I dont think it moves, Douglas. (Scraping of solid snow against the ground.) ARTHUR: Ooh, it does, though! CAROLYN: What on earth are you doing? DOUGLAS: Im getting us some sleep. You see, what Arthur has very cleverly accidentally done (The snowman continues to slide across the ground. Arthur and Douglas grunt with the effort.) DOUGLAS: is build us (More sliding snowman.) DOUGLAS: a six foot snow pedestal. ARTHUR: No, its a snowman. DOUGLAS: Its both. CAROLYN: A pedestal? For what? DOUGLAS: For the MJN patent APU Intake Snow Guard! Martin, give me your hat. MARTIN: What? No! DOUGLAS: Oh, go on. Swiss Airwaysll give you a much nicer one. MARTIN: I thought you said that was too intimidating a ring to throw my hat into. DOUGLAS: Did I? Well, I was forgetting, of course, just how intimidating your hat is. MARTIN: Ah. (Crunch as Douglas puts the hat on top of the snowman.) DOUGLAS: There. Covers the hole perfectly. I knew it must be good for something. ARTHUR: Oh, wow! So, hang on: my-my first snowman saved but then ruined the day, but

my second snowman and Martins hat, and Douglas idea, and Mums er CAROLYN: aeroplane. ARTHUR: aeroplane saved the night! DOUGLAS: Exactly, Arthur. ARTHUR: Fizz! MARTIN: Buzz! CAROLYN: Oh, what the hell. ave a banana!

SEASON 4 EPISODE 6: Yverdon-Les-Bains

This week, Yverdon-les-Bains! ARTHUR: Hes here! (The portacabin door opens.) CAROLYN (sounding genuinely welcoming): Hello, Martin! DOUGLAS: Martin! ARTHUR: Hi, Skip. MARTIN (suspiciously): Hello. Whats going on? Why are you why are you all looking at me like that? ARTHUR: A letter came for you, Skip. MARTIN: A letter? CAROLYN: With a Swiss stamp. MARTIN: Oh God! (He slits the envelope open.) MARTIN: Oh God! DOUGLAS: Were hoping Heidis finally replied to your fan mail. MARTIN (nervously): Er, okay, okay, okay, er Head of Personnel, Swiss Airways, Yverdon -les-Bains. Dear Mr. Creuff DOUGLAS: Good start. MARTIN: Thank you for attending our simulator check and technical exam. Your results are very interesting, and we would like to invite you to an interview to our headquarters in Yverdon on the twenty-first of March. Ive got an interview! (Almost singing) Ive got an interview! CAROLYN: Well done, Martin! MARTIN (loudly): Oh God, Ive got an interview!! ARTHUR: Youll be brilliant. MARTIN: I wont! Im terrible at interviews! DOUGLAS: Ooh bad news from the wall chart. Were taking some of Mr. Alyakhins yacht -fanciers yachtshopping that day. CAROLYN: Well, you can do that by yourself, cant you? DOUGLAS: Certainly I can, but I thought Mr. Alyakhin insisted on the full complement of pilots if you can call two a complement. CAROLYN: Oh, Im sure itll all be fine. DOUGLAS: All right, then lets see Well, Martin, if you relie ve me of the pleasure of the dawn flight to Doncaster Im down for on the nineteenth, Ill be in hours to do the Antibes solo. MARTIN: Oh, thanks, Douglas although, actually, youd be in hours even if I didnt do DOUGLAS: Yes, but then what would I get out of it? (Airport tannoy bing-bing-bong.) FEMALE VOICE (over tannoy): Passengers for Flight SA23 to Yverdon, we should be ready to board you within ten minutes. MARTIN: Right, right, right-right-right-right-right. (He drags in a nervous breath.) MARTIN: Anyone got any more practice questions? ARTHUR: Whats been your best crash? MARTIN: Anyone apart from Arthur. DOUGLAS: Oh, heres an old one: youre on a stopover in Bangkok, and your captain meets you in the hotel bar wearing a red cocktail dress. What do you say? MARTIN: Oh, right. Er, well, um its not on company time or property um, so in the spirit of respecting his life choices, Id DOUGLAS (interrupting): No, no. You tell her how well it goes with her earrings. MARTIN: Oh, but thats not fair! The question pre-supposes the

CAROLYN: Dont scare the boy, Douglas. They dont really go in for trick ones these days, Martin. Itll just be things like: what would you say is your worst quality? MARTIN: Oh-oh-oh-oh, yes; Ive got a great one for this. I saw it on a website. My worst quality, Im afraid, is that I am sometimes a bit too much of a perfectionist. (Carolyn and Douglas both groan.) CAROLYN: Whatever you do, dont say that. MARTIN: W-w-why not? Dont you see? Its really clever because it sounds like Im criticising myself, but-but actually, being a perfectionist is a good thing for a pilot to be, so CAROLYN: Yes, I understand the fiendish cunning of it, Martin. I just fear it may have lost the first fine flush of youth. (Martin sighs in exasperation.) CAROLYN: You should say something that shows youre genuinely aware of your weak points as a pilot. DOUGLAS: Oooh! CAROLYN: Yes, thank you, Douglas. I am not looking for contributions from the floor. ARTHUR: Ooh-ooh, I know. Make it something, um, you cant help but will make them feel sorry for you. Like, um, your worst quality is, er, youre blind. (Airport tannoy bing-bing-bong.) FEMALE VOICE (over tannoy): Ladies and gentlemen, Flight SA23 is now ready for boarding. MARTIN (anxious and high-pitched): Ooh. Okay! (He drags in a breath.) MARTIN: Okay-okay-okay-okay-okay-okay. CAROLYN: Good luck, Martin, and remember: be calm MARTIN: Mmm-hmm. CAROLYN: take your time MARTIN: Yes. DOUGLAS: Be assertive CAROLYN: but relaxed MARTIN: Yes, yes! ARTHUR: Good luck, Skip! Just be yourself! CAROLYN and DOUGLAS (simultaneously): No!! DOUGLAS: Dont do that! CAROLYN: Be a version of yourself. DOUGLAS: Quite a different version from usual. MARTIN (tetchily): Oh, all right. Thank you. ARTHUR (calling after him as he walks away): Good luck, Skip! I hope you get the job! But I also hope you stay with us! So overall, I hope, er I dont know what I hope! DOUGLAS: Tell you what, Arthur, give it another crack and try stopping after good luck. ARTHUR (calling out): Good luck! (To Douglas) Oh, yeah, that is better. (Portacabin door opens.) DOUGLAS: Good morning, Arthur. Now, then: are the self-loading freight all aboard? ARTHUR: The what? DOUGLAS: The passengers. ARTHUR: Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, theyre all on. DOUGLAS: Very well. Then ho! for sunny Antibes. ARTHUR: Ho! (Office door opens.) CAROLYN: Er, one moment, Douglas. Im going to come with you. DOUGLAS: Good! The more the merrier. CAROLYN: And so is Herc. DOUGLAS: up to a point. HERC: Always nice to see you too, Douglas. DOUGLAS: I dont know where were going to put him, though; sixteen passengers, no spare seats. CAROLYN: Yes, well, there is one. DOUGLAS: What? No! Oh, oh no, absolutely not. CAROLYN: Im sorry, Douglas, but you were quite right. Mr. Alyakhin insists on two pilots. DOUGLAS: But hes not even type-rated on GERTI. CAROLYN: I know. He doesnt need to be. Hes not going to do any actual flying. DOUGLAS: Oh, I see. So Im going to do all the work and hes just going to sit in the first officers seat looking ornamental. CAROLYN: Almost right. DOUGLAS (increasingly indignantly): Oh, no, no, no, no!

HERC: Im sorry, Douglas, but I am a captain. DOUGLAS: Youre not my captain. HERC: No, but your captain will be busy trying to persuade my new firm to let him be my first officer; so I suppose in a way that makes me your captains captain. DOUGLAS: No it doesnt! HERC: Besides, I only have a captains uniform. DOUGLAS (grimly): I am prepared to swap uniforms. HERC: Im not entirely sure mine would fit you. DOUGLAS: Yes it would! HERC: Dyou think? DOUGLAS: Yes! It would be fine! HERC: The sleeves would be fine CAROLYN: Enough! Everyone will wear their own clothes and sit in their own seats. Good God, I work in a kindergarten. ARTHUR: Er, Mum? CAROLYN: Yes, Arthur? ARTHUR: Just checking: who am I gonna be? CAROLYN: Youre going to be you. ARTHUR: Oh good. Thats the one I know. (Knock on a door.) DEROCHE (female, Swiss accent [allegedly]) (muffled): Come in. (The door opens.) DEROCHE: Good morning. My name is lise Deroche. You must be Mr. Creuff. MARTIN: Er, Crieff, actually. DEROCHE: Oh, my apologies. Mr. Crieff. MARTIN: Er, well, Captain, actually. Sorry, I dont mean, Call me Captain! I-I-I just thought it would be useful for you to know that I am one. (He chuckles nervously.) DEROCHE: I see. Well, a pleasure to meet you, Captain Crieff. MARTIN: And you, Mrs Dddd-drouch. DEROCHE: Well, since we are being exact, I am also a captain. MARTIN (quickly): That doesnt surprise me. DEROCHE: Im sorry? MARTIN: I mean, Im not surprised youre a woman. DEROCHE: Why would you be surprised ? MARTIN: Oh, no! No reason! I wouldnt be, and Im not. Thats my point. DEROCHE: What is your point? MARTIN: That if you wore a red dress in a hotel, I wouldnt assume you were a man! (Pause.) MARTIN (quietly): Shall I um shall I, shall I just go? DEROCHE: Fortunately for you, we record all our interviews and it is company policy that the interview does not begin until the recording starts. MARTIN: Oh, thank God! (Click and beep as Captain Deroche starts the recording machine.) DEROCHE: So: good morning, Captain Crieff. MARTIN: Oh, please call me Martin. (Bing-bong.) DOUGLAS (over cabin address): Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Douglas Richardson and I am your pilot. Its my pleasure to welcome you to my aircraft, and to introduce you to my crew. In the cabin youll be looked after by Carolyn and Arthur, two colleagues for whom I have the utmost respect. Also joining me today is (he almost gargles the first letter of the name) Hhherc Shipwright which he assures me is a perfectly normal name wholl be helping me out with maps and so on if the need arises. (Bing-bong.) HERC: If I can just add my voice to the first off icers fulsome welcome. My name and I dont pretend for a moment its a normal one, but there you go is Captain Hercules Shipwright, and I fear it momentarily slipped the first officers mind to mention that were going to Antibes at the height of thir ty thousand feet and a speed of four hundred knots. (Bing-bong.) DOUGLAS: unless I decide to go higher, lower, faster or slower than that in which case, that is exactly what well do.

(Bing-bong.) CAROLYN: On behalf of the cabin crew, Id like to add m y voice to the torrential downpour of announcements from the flight deck, and to assure passengers who might be planning on reading, sleeping, or hearing themselves think, that theyre now entirely at an end. DEROCHE: So: how good a pilot would you say you are, on a scale from one to ten? For instance, I would say I am a six. MARTIN: Right, okay. Er, w-well, Im confident er, but Im not over-confident, so, um five? DEROCHE: Five? MARTIN: No, no, too low, obviously. But, you know, I dont want to say Im a better pilot than you because because Im not I shouldnt think. DEROCHE: You might be. MARTIN: I might be. Er, well, eight. Eight eights too high. Is it? Nine and ten are definitely out.(Chuckling) As I say, Im not over-confident. DEROCHE (mildly sarcastic): You dont sound it. MARTIN: No. I-Im not. So, er, seven? (Instantly) No, not seven! Everyone says seven! (He chuckles briefly.)Six. Cant say six you said six! Maybe it is eight. Can I check: whats one on the scale a bad pilot or someone who cant fly at all? DEROCHE: You decide. MARTIN: All right. Er, well, if-if-if one is the worst pilot whos legal, then Im a five (Frantically and very rapidly) but a really good five, nearly a six, five point nine, well, five point eight; no-o-o, five point nine, say five point eight five, yes. DEROCHE: Thank you(!) No-ones ever answered to two decimal places before. (Flight deck door opens.) ARTHUR: Cheese tray, Douglas? DOUGLAS: Thank you, Arthur. I believe I will take the Roquefort, and the Emmental, ooh, and the Brie. Do help yourself to the others, Herc. HERC: Really?! Either of them?! DOUGLAS: Be my guest because you are. HERC: Well, thank you, but actually Im a vegetarian. DOUGLAS: Well, fine. Feel free to nibble wanly on a cracker. HERC: I think not. (Flight deck door opens again.) ARTHUR: And fruit tray for Herc. HERC: Thank you, Arthur. DOUGLAS: Fruit tray? ARTHUR: Yeah. Hercs vegetarian, you see, Douglas, so he has a fruit tray. (Short silence.) DOUGLAS (petulantly): I want a fruit tray. ARTHUR: I-Im sorry. I only ordered one for Herc. HERC: Youre welcome to an apple, Douglas, if you have room after all that cheese. DOUGLAS (sulkily): Keep your apple. ARTHUR: Ooh, Ill have it! HERC: You can have something more interesting if you like, Arthur. Theres, er, theres guava; mango; dragon fruit ARTHUR: Wow. Dragon fruit?! HERC: Help yourself. ARTHUR: Thanks, Herc! (He takes and eats a piece.) HERC: So, what do you think? ARTHUR (with his mouth half full): Yeah, its quite nice. Mmm. Itsh not really what I was expecting. I-I thought itd be a bit more, um, I dont know HERC: Dragony? ARTHUR: Yeah, yeah, maybe. Itsh all right, though. (He chuckles, then speaks with a muffled lisp.) ARTHUR: I quite like what it does to your lips. HERC: Your your lips? ARTHUR (even more muffled and lisping): Yeah, you know, the way it makesh them go all short of tingly and funny. That ish quite dragony, I shuppose. HERC: Ar-Arthur, are you all ARTHUR: Itsh a bit like that thing you get when you eat shtrawberriesh, which is good, becaush no-onell let

me eat shtrawberries any more. DOUGLAS (groaning): Oh, no HERC: All right, all right. A-Arthur, keep calm and-and breathe regularly. ARTHUR (muffled): I am calm. Shouldnt I be calm? (Intercom on.) DOUGLAS: Carolyn strawberry drill in the flight deck. CAROLYN (exasperated, over intercom): Oh, for goodness sake. ARTHUR (almost incomprehensible): I dont need a thtrawberry drill! HERC: Douglas, this is serious! He needs urgent medical attention! DOUGLAS: All right, Buzz Lightyear, keep your helmet on. We do this about twice a year. All he needs (Flight deck door opens and closes.) CAROLYN: Arthur, come here. ARTHUR: No, no, Im fine. CAROLYN: Good. Now, stay still. ARTHUR (very muffled and swollen-mouthed): I dont need it. Itsh fine. (He protests incoherently.) Ow! CAROLYN: Good boy. (Arthur groans.) CAROLYN: Now: what is it you didnt know had strawberries in it this time? Because if its strawberry mousse again, I swear I will ARTHUR: No, I promise, I hagnt had a thtrawberry; it wath a gragon froo. CAROLYN: A what? ARTHUR: A hhgrago froo. CAROLYN: What? ARTHUR: Froo-froo CAROLYN: Through ARTHUR: Throoo-t. CAROLYN: Throoot fruit! ARTHUR: Gragon fruit. CAROLYN: Grapefruit! ARTHUR: Gragon froo! CAROLYN: Kiwi fruit! ARTHUR: Gragon (He makes the sound of flapping wings, then roars as best as he can with his swollen mouth.) ARTHUR: fwoo. CAROLYN: Dragon fruit. ARTHUR: Yeth! Thith ith actually quye a goo game, ithnt it? DEROCHE: So, you have a command already at, er, MJN Air. MARTIN: Thats right. DEROCHE: But youre prepared to accept a drop in salary? MARTIN: Errrr, yyyes. DEROCHE: Because you are aware that our starting salary for first officers is only, er, in-in sterling, twentytwo thousand pounds. (Martin whimpers.) MARTIN: Yes, well, I-I-I will make that sacrifice. (Door opens.) OSKAR (male, Swiss accent [supposedly]): Hi, hi. lise, do you mind if I MARTIN: Oh. My. God. DEROCHE: Of course. OSKAR: Hi, hi. Good to meet you. Im Oskar Bider. MARTIN: I know! OSKAR: Im the CEO. MARTIN: I know! OSKAR: Call me Oskar. MARTIN (plaintively): Ill try! OSKAR: So, guys, ignore me. Im just sitting in. You wont know Im here. MARTIN: Right(!) OSKAR: Though I say that Im a pretty chatty guy, so maybe you will. (Martin laughs nervously.) MARTIN: C-c-c-c-can I just ask: d-d-dyou always sit on on all the interviews? OSKAR: No. MARTIN: Right, just-just some of them?

OSKAR: No, I never do. DEROCHE: All right. Shall we return to the interview? OSKAR: Sure, sure. (Martin gulps nervously.) OSKAR: Does anyone want muffins? I can get some muffins sent up. No? Okay, carry on. CAROLYN: All right, Elephant Man, how are you feeling? ARTHUR (still very garbled and fuzzy): Oh much better. The only thing ish, my lipsh are shtill a dit numb. CAROLYN: Yeah, all right, then. I suppose Ill have to feed the animals myself. ARTHUR: Oh, no, no, le me do it, Im fine, honethtly. CAROLYN: Offer me dinner. ARTHUR: Good evening, thir. Woulg you like the taghlitelli or or the boobooginyon? I cant say the b booboogi boobooginyon! CAROLYN: All right, itll do. Go on, off you go. ARTHUR: Hhanks, Num! (Galley curtain opens, then closes.) ARTHUR: Good evening, thir. Woulg you care for the tagliatelle? MAN (American[ish] accent): I dont eat pasta. ARTHUR: Oh dear. MAN: Well, isnt there an alternative? ARTHUR: Yeth. MAN: Well, what is it? ARTHUR: The tagliatelle ish vewy nice. MAN: I dont want the tagliatelle. What is the alternative? ARTHUR: Boof booginyon. MAN: What? ARTHUR: Oh, you know: boof like, like, beef, like from a cow booginyon, like I dont know what that meanth. But look, this! (He takes off the lid of the tray.) MAN: Oh, stew! ARTHUR: Well, thatth what I thaid it wath, but Nun says we ave to call it boof booginyon. DEROCHE: So, lets talk about your results so far. MARTIN: Ah, yes. DEROCHE: Well, firstly, youll be pleased to know your references from your current airline are excellent. MARTIN: Oh! Are they? DEROCHE: Indeed. Positively glowing report from your CEO, and another from your Chief Pilot. MARTIN: Well, thats very from who? DEROCHE: Your Chief Pilot Mr. Richardson. He is most complimentary: Myself apart, there is no-one at MJN whose abilities as a pilot I rate higher. MARTIN: How kind(!) DEROCHE: And we also request your CEO to select at random a member of the cabin crew to fill out a questionnaire, rating you on various attributes from poor to very good. In your case, the respondent drew in and ticked an additional box at the end of each line, labelled brilliant. MARTIN: Gosh! I wonder who that was? OSKAR: You sounded great! (Martin briefly laughs in an embarrassed way.) DEROCHE: So we invited you to take a sim check and a technical exam. MARTIN: Yes! DEROCHE: Yes. Your results are rather curious reading. In your simulator exam, you were rated adequate MARTIN: Oh! Good! DEROCHE: No, adequate. But in your technical knowledge exam MARTIN: Yes? DEROCHE: you got ninety-nine percent. MARTIN: Oh, good. That is good, isnt it? DEROCHE (hesitantly): Yes. OSKAR: Kind of amazing, actually, because the test is designed to return scores of between forty and sixty percent. No-ones ever got more than eighty-four percent. MARTIN: Really? (Thoughtfully) Ninety-nine percent. So I got a question wrong? DEROCHE: Yes. MARTIN: Which one?

DEROCHE: Er, What increase in landing distance is required for a flap-thirty landing with auto spoilers inoperable? MARTIN (instantly): Seven hundred and thirty feet. DEROCHE: Thats the right answer, yes. You put a hundred and thirty. MARTIN (snorting derisively): I dont think I did! DEROCHE: You you did. Look. MARTIN: No! Thats a seven! DEROCHE: Oh. Well, then you got a hundred percent. (Martin sighs happily.) OSKAR: So, look, Martin just between ourselves, what wed kind of like to know is: how did you cheat? MARTIN: What?! I didnt cheat! DEROCHE: Nobody ever gets a hundred percent, Mr. Crieff. OSKAR: Its been driving us crazy! Weve all looked at the footage; we just cant see where youre getting the answers! MARTIN: From my head! DEROCHE: I took the paper myself, as an experiment. I got seventy-eight percent! MARTIN: Yeah, but you said you were only six out of ten! DEROCHE: There are questions that are designed to be unanswerable without consulting the manual. Theyre there for us to see how candidates cope under stress. MARTIN: But I learned the manual. OSKAR: You learned it? MARTIN: Yes! DEROCHE: Thats impossible. Its-its six hundred pages long. MARTIN: I know it took me ages. OSKAR: But some of the questions werent even about our aircraft. MARTIN: No, but those ones were easy. They were just general knowledge. DEROCHE: We asked you which aircraft type KLM added in the winter of nineteen forty-eight! MARTIN: Exactly! The Convair two-forty! Any twelve year old could tell you that! OSKAR: Okay. Well, it looks like we owe you an apology. Thanks for coming, and well done. You broke the record! MARTIN: Thank you! OSKAR: So, youre free to go. MARTIN: But but-but, well, what about the rest of the interview? OSKAR: Oh. Yes, of course. Er, carry on the interview, lise. Ive Ive got to go, Martin, but great to meet you! MARTIN: Er, I-Id like you to stay. OSKAR: Yeah, wish I could, but lisell look after you. MARTIN (more firmly): I think you should stay. OSKAR: Okay, the thing is, I like to keep things sort of casual, but I am the CEO of a kind of pretty huge company. I get a bit busy. MARTIN: Yes, I know, but I think you put aside more time than this to deal with the cheating thing, and since you asked me to give up a day to come to Switzerland to interview for a job you had no intention of giving me (his voice becomes even more firm) I would like you to give me ten minutes to try to change your mind. (Oskar draws in a long deep breath. Then he buzzes the intercom.) OSKAR: Ute, can we get some muffins up here? (Flight deck door opens.) ARTHUR (still muffled and swollen): Hello, chaps. HERC: Hello, Arthur. ARTHUR: Cheas and coffees. Chea for you, Douglath, an coffee for you, Skik. HERC: Thank you. DOUGLAS: Wait a minute: coffee for who? ARTHUR: Mmm? DOUGLAS: What did you call him? ARTHUR: Who, Skik? Skip. DOUGLAS: Hes not Skip. Martin is Skip. ARTHUR: Well, yeah, but itsh jusht short for Skipper, isnt it? DOUGLAS: Yes! And hes not the skipper. Im the skipper, so dont call him Skip. ARTHUR: But I thought Shkipper jusht meant Captain. DOUGLAS (his voice rising angrily): No. Skipper means person in charge of the vessel, and as I am the only one on board who is trained or qualified to fly her, I think youll find that I am the supreme commander of th

(He trails off.) HERC: Yall right, Commander? DOUGLAS (horrified): What have I become? DEROCHE: All right. Lets talk about your experiences as a pilot. MARTIN: Mmm-hmm. DEROCHE: Can you think of a time when you were in conflict with someone professionally? MARTIN (laughing): Oh God, yes! DEROCHE: Really? MARTIN: I mean, like hundreds! OSKAR: Wow! Youre a bit fighty, huh? Wouldnt have guessed it. MARTIN: No! I mean y-you know, professional disagreements, which are then discussed and resolved professionally. OSKAR: Okay, show me. Suppose youre all ready to take off. Suddenly you realise: oh no! Youve left y our licence at home. What do you do? MARTIN: Oh, thats easy. OSKAR: Yes? MARTIN: That wouldnt happen. OSKAR: Okay. But if it did? MARTIN: But it wouldnt. No, my licence is in a special inside pocket of my flight bag. I never take it out except at Customs; and I check its there on leaving my home, on getting into my car, on leaving my car, on entering the terminal, on leaving the terminal, and on entering the aircraft. OSKAR: Why do you do that if you never take it out? MARTIN: So that I can never leave it at home. OSKAR: Okay, but say this time, somehow, you have. MARTIN (laughing in disbelief): But how?! OSKAR: Somehow for the sake of argument. (Martin sighs in frustration.) MARTIN (unhappily): All right. OSKAR: What would you do? MARTIN: Well, I would immediately inform the captain what had happened, apologise profusely, explain howliterally impossible it is that this has happened OSKAR: but that it has happened MARTIN: but that (he sighs) for the sake of argument, it has happened, and then I would go home and get it. OSKAR: Okay, great. So lise is your captain tell her. MARTIN: Okay. Um (He clears his throat.) Captain Duhrrrosh-sh lise. (He coughs.) Im very sorry, but I have for the sake of argument left my licence at home. DEROCHE: You fool! Never mind well go without it. MARTIN: Obviously we cant do that, Captain, because it would be illegal DEROCHE (talking over him): Nonsense. The flight is within Europe; your airline I.D. will do. MARTIN: Yes, but Im afraid I left that behind as well. DEROCHE: No you didnt, or you wouldnt have been allowed to board the plane. MARTIN: Well, I must have done, because I keep my I.D. card in the same pocket. OSKAR: But for the sake of argument, you didnt. MARTIN (tetchily): Fine! (Through gritted teeth) Very strange argument. (To lise) Still, I dont have a licence and its illegal to fly without a licence. DEROCHE: Technically, but its not as if anyone ever checks. MARTIN: No, but it is illegal. DEROCHE: But this airport closes at dusk. MARTIN: Then well have to go tomorrow! DEROCHE: But there are two hundred people on board MARTIN (talking over her): Well have to find them hotels! DEROCHE: Its Christmas Day! MARTIN: Merry Christmas! DEROCHE: You are proposing to cost the company thousands and thousands of Euros for a technicality which has no effect on air safety?! MARTIN: Well, this is exactly why Id never leave my licence at home! DOUGLAS (hesitantly, anxiously): and it was as if I was seeing the whole world through Martins eyes. HERC: That sounds unnerving. DOUGLAS: It was absolutely terrifying! I dont know how he does it!

HERC: Dyou think hell get the job? DOUGLAS: I hope so. HERC: You hope so? DOUGLAS: Well, I suppose I feel the way any rat on a sinking ship would feel if he saw one of the other rats leaping into a passing speed boat: pleased for my fellow rat HERC: but a little jealous of his speed boat. DOUGLAS: Yes. (Flight deck door opens.) CAROLYN: Whose speed boat? DOUGLAS: Martins. I-I was saying CAROLYN: Oh, well, actually, I dont care. But talking of Martin, where is it hes having this interview? DOUGLAS: Yverdon-les-Bains, near Geneva. CAROLYN: Yyyes. Now thats sort of on the way back for us, isnt it? DOUGLAS: Yyyes it sort of is. I mean, its a very much going the pretty way CAROLYN: Yes, well, its only money. Shall we pop in and pick him up? DEROCHE (tiredly): And finally, what would you say is your greatest weakness as a pilot? MARTIN: I-Im afraid Im too much of a perfectionist. (Deroche groans quietly.) MARTIN: I try too hard to do every aspect of my job really well. DEROCHE: Thats your greatest weakness? MARTIN: Yes. DEROCHE: I see. Thank you for MARTIN: I mean I worry too much. DEROCHE: Im sorry? MARTIN: Thats what I meant to say. I-I-I worry too much a bit. I dont worry too much too much I just worry too much about the right amount, which is almost not at all. What Im saying is I dont get panicky (with a rueful laugh in his voice) I do realise, by the way, that this, this may now sound a (he drags in a breath) a bit panicky, especially now Ive used the word panicky, but look -look-look, the thing is (a little agitatedly) although sometimes I can appear a little agitated on the surface, deep down Im (his voice becomes calmer) actually really calm. Im like a duck. DEROCHE: You are like a duck? MARTIN: Yeah, you know: Im paddling like hell on top, but Im very calm underneath. Oh no. Oh no! I mean, I-Im like a capsized duck. DEROCHE: Thank you. MARTIN: Can I have another go? DEROCHE: I dont think so. MARTIN: Dyou wanna hear one youve never heard before? Ill tell you one that I guarantee you have neverheard before. DEROCHE: Quickly, then. MARTIN: My biggest weakness, as a pilot, is that Im not very good at flying aeroplanes. OSKAR: Well, youre right about us not having heard it before. MARTIN: I mean (he sighs) Im good enough. Like the sim said, Im adequate adequate to the task. But I I dont do it easily. Its not second nature to me. On your scale of one to ten, if one is the bare minimum of competence, Im about a four. And I used to be a one no (he chuckles ruefully) I used to be a zero, and then I took my CPL again and then again and then I was a one, and then a two, and then a three, and now Im a four. And Im not finished yet. And thats why you should employ me. Thats why youd be lucky to employ me, because if youre not naturally good if you cant rely on just knowing how to do it like Doug l-like somepeople can, then you have to well, you have to be a perfectionist, actually and I am one. And thats why even when youve turned me down, Im gonna keep on applying because flying is the perfect job, and I wont settle for a life where I dont get to do it. DEROCHE: Well thank you for seeing us, Mr. Crieff. Well let you know as soon as we can. OSKAR: Ohh. Cant we just tell him now? DEROCHE: We can, but it-it seems a little cruel. OSKAR: You can start in June. MARTIN: What? DEROCHE (high-pitched with indignation): What?! Just because he made a nice speech?! OSKAR: No, I kind of tuned out for that. But, come on hes a captain at thirty-six; hes got our first perfect exam score ever. DEROCHE: But he did a terrible interview! OSKAR: Sure, but he got me to stay in the room; and he wouldnt fly without a licence. You see, Martin, I really hate the stereotype we Swiss have as really precise and rule-following. Im more of a kind of crazy guy,

you know?! But my pilots I like pilots who do things by the book and youve actually memorised the book! Plus, the more pressure lise put on you to break the rules, the more confident you got. Howd you do that?! MARTIN: Well, Ive had a lot of training. (Distant bing-bing-bong of airport tannoy. A door opens.) ARTHUR: Shkip, Shkip! Over here! MARTIN: Arthur?! What are you doing here?! ARTHUR: Weve come to pick you up! The othersh are jusht coming they didnt want to run. How did it go? MARTIN: Well, it Are you all right? ARTHUR: Oh yeah, Im fine. I had a I had a dragon fruit and I shtill cant shpeak properly. Everything shounds like Im really posh and-and a little bit drunk. MARTIN: What?! ARTHUR: But it doeshnt matter! How about you?! How did it go? MARTIN: I got it. ARTHUR: Ohhh! MARTIN (half-laughing as if he cant believe it): They offered me the job right there and then! I-I-I can start in three months! ARTHUR: Wow! Skip! Thatsh absholutely, er (he chokes on his words) jus what you wanted! MARTIN: Just-just what I wanted, yes. ARTHUR: Yeah, exactly! Its briwiant! MARTIN: but its-its not brilliant for anyone else, is it? ARTHUR: Oh, dont say that, Skip. The Swissh guysll get used to you! MARTIN: Yes, thank you, Arthur. I didnt mean them I meant you. MJN. ARTHUR: Oh, well be all right! Well find shtuff to do. I was thinking I could be a hotel guy you know, the ones with those huge bird cages for suitcases? I love those things. MARTIN: Or I-I-I I-I could just turn it down and What do I need twenty-two thousand pounds a year for?(!) ARTHUR: Well, loads of stuff, Skip! MARTIN: Yeah, yeah, Arthur, I know. ARTHUR: Well, look, to be honest with you, Skip, I-I wouldnt worry about it. Once Mum hears youve got an offer, you wont really have a choice. Shell make sure you go. MARTIN: Yes, but I-I-I might have been joking. (He laughs nervously.) ARTHUR: What? MARTIN (more firmly): I might have been joking about-about getting an offer. ARTHUR: Oh, right! (He chuckles briefly.) ARTHUR: I dont get it. Were-were you joking? MARTIN: I dont know. (The door opens again.) CAROLYN: Ah. Theyre in here. MARTIN: Er, hi, Carolyn, Douglas. DOUGLAS: Well? MARTIN: Hi, Herc! DOUGLAS: Never mind that. How did it go? MARTIN: I-I, I-I-I was just telling Arthur about it. ARTHUR: Yeah, well, I didnt completely undershtand. CAROLYN: Well, then, tell us! Did you get in? MARTIN: Theyre going to let me know.