OVERCOMING THE STORMS OF LIFE

A Guide to Spiritual and Personal Empowerment

By Dr. Pearlie Jones

Author of the Hit Play and Book

The Rage of Silence

COPYRIGHT

Copyright 2003 by Dr. Pearlie Jones

All rights reserved. This book or parts thereof may not be reprod !ed in any form "itho t permission.

#or $ore %nformation Abo t& 'mpo"erment (orkshops) *eminars and other "ritten materials +y Dr. Pearlie $. Jones 'mail& drpearlie,-gmail.!om

%*+.& /0312234/5 'A.6/3& 531/0312234/3

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DEDICATION % dedi!ate this book to Alana Daniels for her !ontin ed friendship) te!hni!al s pport) and !ommitment to the goals and ob,e!tives of Change 'nterprises) %n!) my family) friends "ho provided en!o ragement to me in all of my !reative vent res) and n rt red me "hen % "as ill. They gave me the energy) motivation) and desire to go on to greater heights by having faith in me. % am espe!ially indebted to my A nt Tiny "ho !ontin es to be my most avid fan and !heerleader7 she "as and !ontin es to be a strong and positive for!e for me as % gre" into ad lthood thro gh perilo s times. % appre!iate the !hallenges posed to me by the negative for!es and people in my life7 these !hallenges afforded me the opport nities to gro" and to !rystalli8e my faith.

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PREFACE % have gro"n thro gh many of the !hallenges % sed to find da nting "hen % "as a yo ng "oman. % !an get beyond the big storms7 it is the small th ndersho"ers that keep me in an emotional 9 andary. $y daily goal is not to do or say anything negative to or abo t anyone and % am !hallenged daily to find !reative "ays to a!hieve this ob,e!tive. %f % do not "ork hard at it) % find myself slo"ly slipping into a negative abyss. Allo"ing negative people into my spa!e drains my energy and sometimes % gladly relin9 ish the !ontrol. %f it "ere my money) % "o ld fight for dear life to hold onto "hat % have "orked hard to earn. :o" abo t yo ; Do yo give in to negative energies easier than yo "o ld give p yo r last dollar; % am reminded of a story that % read in 'lementary s!hool abo t a gro p of monkeys "ho played hard in the s nshine and) "hen the rain !ame) they promised themselves that "hen the s n shone again) they "o ld b ild shelter. :o"ever) "hen the rain !eased they "o ld play among the trees on!e again !ompletely forgetting the promises they made "hen it "as raining. %sn<t it easy to be spirit ally gro"n "hen everything looks bright and rosy; The !hallenge !omes "hen the storm hits. (hen the th nderstorms !ome) if yo aren<t !aref l) yo r positive energy "ill ebb and yo r tho ght pro!esses "ill !hange) yo r patien!e "ill "ear thin and soon yo are likely to find yo rself !omplaining of all manner of physi!al ailments. (hen this happens) it takes "eeks before yo !an get ba!k to a !alm and pea!ef l state. D ring this spirit al absen!e) yo may not have the in!lination to meditate and before long) yo r "hole being resonates "ith g ilt) an=iety) and sometimes depression. This book is an impet s to get yo started on yo r spirit al 9 est. % se these prin!iples daily in my "ork "ith a gro p of "omen "ho met "ith me "eekly in a s pport gro p. % "itnessed "omen "ho !ame in "ith a defeatist attit de and stan!e) b t on!e they learn that they had the ans"er) and that they !ontrol their o"n destinies) iv

it<s like "at!hing the metamorphosis of a b tterfly. The first step and sometimes>greatest !hallenge is , st to de!ide to seek pea!e and not allo" anyone or anything to deter yo from yo r goal. % "rote this book to help enhan!e yo r spirit ally) emotionally) and personally. Parts ?ne thro gh *i= dis! ss the spirit al !omponent represented by poems) a narrative of e=perien!es and g idelines to a!hieve spirit al pea!e. The "orkbook se!tion provides a!tivities and instr !tions on eradi!ating spe!ifi! maladies that may plag e yo . Take this book a "hole7 p r!hase a spiral notebook to take notes as yo read thro gh and "ork the different e=er!ises in the "orkbook. @e!ord yo r tho ghts invoked by the different passages that yo read in the book. Take the time to "ork these e=er!ises !onsistently) yo !an and "ill start on the ,o rney to find inner pea!e. This book is not a ! re>all. %t is s ggested that yo !ontin e on yo r ,o rney by lo!ating reso r!es in yo r !omm nity to help yo enhan!e yo r self>esteem) learn ho" to !ope more effe!tively) in!rease yo r !ir!le of positive friends) and other spe!ifi! reso r!es that are ni9 e to yo . This book only to be an impet s to get yo started on yo r ,o rney. Ao may de!ide that yo need to seek professional assistan!e on!e yo have analy8ed yo r iss es. That is a very good sign of gro"th and mat rity) and it is okay to seek o tside help in any problem or !hallenge that yo may or have en!o ntered. @ead this book more than on!e and revie" yo r notes after a "eek or so) and yo "ill get an idea of yo r ,o rney. % "ish yo good fort ne and self>dis!overy on yo r ,o rney. .ot all that yo find "ill be positive or happy) b t it "ill serve to make yo a happier and more pea!ef l individ al.

TABLE OF CONTENTS Title Page.....................................................................................i Copyright.....................................................................................ii Dedi!ation ...................................................................................iii Prefa!e .........................................................................................iv Part / > An 'nding is a .e" +eginning..................................../

Part %% > $y %nspiration............................................................/2 Part %%% > Betting Past the Pain.....................................................22 Part %C > The @oad to Pea!e........................................................31 Part C > Paths to 'mpo"erment................................................02 Part C% > *!enarios.....................................................................20 Part C%% > (orkbook...................................................................43 Appendi!es '=er!ises to Assist in Personal Bro"th and Development........45 @ les for @esponsible Bro"th...................................................32 Boals (orksheet........................................................................33 Distorted ThinkingD #eelings.....................................................31 *elf 'steem 'val ationDTips to :elp +oost *elf 'steem..........1/ +eliefs and @elationshipsD Baining %nsight %nto *elf>Talk........14 (hat %s the E ality of $y @elationships;.................................11 The E ality That % (o ld $ost Fike To Develop....................50 *teps to @esolving Anger...........................................................52 Domesti! Ciolen!e %nformation.................................................50 The #inal Che!k Gp.....................................................................51

PART I AN ENDING IS A NEW BEGINNING Fife is an ever>evolving e=perien!e. Ao !annot tr ly be a part of that e=perien!e if yo do not kno" Hyo .I The nderstanding of self begins in the refle!tions of yo r !hildhood. As a !hild) yo re!eive !o ntless messages of "ho yo are or "ho yo "ill be!ome. As an ad lt) yo !ome to re!ogni8e that those messages may not tr ly represent yo r real self) b t the messages still lie deep "ithin) reinfor!ing yo r innermost tho ghts and feelings) limiting the 9 ality of yo r life. %n order to make positive !hanges in yo r life) yo m st identify yo r limiting !ore beliefs. These are the beliefs that yo kno" to be tr e7 that stop yo from taking risks in order to gro" and !hange. (ith a"areness of these beliefs) yo !an learn to let go of that "hi!h no longer fits and !reate ne" realities and beliefs. This is an ever>!hanging pro!ess that re9 ires yo r !ontin o s involvement. :o"ever) yo are not alone in the pro!ess. Ao r relationships are vital and are affe!ted by and !ontrib te to yo r gro"th. %f those relationships are promoting) n rt ring) and reinfor!ing they "ill broaden) and not narro" yo r life. The balan!e in a person<s life is the key to in!reased 9 ality. An integration of yo r internal and the e=ternal . . . the self7 the self<s re, venation "hi!h is leis re. :o"ever) remember) it is all abo t personal gro"th) "hi!h is only possible) "hen yo !hoose to take /

paths and !ross yo r bridges. (e have all stood on the path of life staring at a bridge asking) H(ho am %; (ho do % pretend to be; (hat is life;I

THE JOURNEY WITHIN The journey within is the scariest trip to plan and to embark upon because you dont know where to begin or the destination you seek or where it will end. What will you find? What myths and misconceptions will you throw on the wayside. This is uncomfortable because at least now, you know what you think you know. How comfortable is it for anyone to risk going forth to discover what and who they really are? What will you find on your inward journey? !r. "earlie #. $ones, %pring &' $acksonville, () %f yo are reading this book) then yo m st feel that yo need to kno" ho" to start this ,o rney7 at least yo kno" that it is time to do something different. Anytime yo embark pon a ne" advent re) there m st be a starting pla!e and an in"ard ,o rney is no different. :o" did yo !ome to this pla!e in yo r life; (hat for!es dire!ted yo to this , n!t re in yo r life; %f yo do not like it) ho" !an yo do something different; To ans"er these 9 estions) "e m st go ba!k to the very beginning to nderstand the development of yo r attit des) a!tions and res lting personality. 2

There are fo r ma,or so!iali8ation agents& family) peers) mass media and s!hool. % "ill !over the basi! ones dis! ssed in this !hapter. %n addition to the family nit) !h r!hes) ed !ational systems)

politi!s) o r ! lt ralDra!ial and ethni! gro ps "ork together to so!iali8e both men and "omen to believe spe!ifi! things abo t their roles. The above are referred to as so!iali8ation agents and they infl en!e all the norms) taboos) mores) val es) and even o r sense of morality. These !on!epts form o r belief system that affe!ts "hat "e feel7 these feelings are translated into a!tions and a!tions translate into habits and habits form the basis of o r personalities. 'ven tho gh "e are ltimately responsible for o r a!tions) some of the a!tions and !hoi!es that are available to s are !ontingent pon the so!ial milie in "hi!h "e gro" and learn. %f yo be!ome nemployed and !annot find a ,ob) yo may be!ome homeless or get divor!ed be!a se of the inability to find a ,ob that "ill meet yo r finan!ial responsibilities. (hen people meet yo ) some "ill treat yo as if it is yo r fa lt and yo may b y into this belief. %f yo believe this) yo "ill start to a!t the "ay yo think a poor person sho ld a!t) and !onse9 ently people "ill !ontin e to treat yo as s !h. %t be!omes a vi!io s !y!le. %f "e look f rther into this sit ation) "e may find that the type of "ork that yo do is no longer available in yo r lo!ality) and there are many other people in yo r same predi!ament. %s it yo r fa lt; 3

This is now a socia !"o# $%& (hen a large n mber of people e=perien!e the same iss esJsK) politi!ians and so!ial "orkers ,oin for!es to make things better or try to !ome p "ith a sol tion. This message may never filter do"n to the individ al in the predi!ament be!a se they are too bogged do"n to see the total pi!t re7 so they !ontin e to str ggle and believe that their fail re is theirs "hen it is a!t ally a so!ietal iss e. This impa!ts the individ al<s self>esteem and self>!on!ept and "hen this happens) it is very diffi! lt to move from that Lbad pla!e in life.< (e see later on ho" this affe!ts goals) dreams) and all of yo r !hoi!es. ?ne of the sol tions to this dilemma is to 9 estion the beliefs) val es and habits ingrained in s be!a se of o r o"n Lst ff< and the Lst ff of so!iety.< The only "ay to do this is to nderstand "here it all !ame from and !ommen!e "ith a systemati! program of !hanging the "ay yo think abo t yo rself arming yo rself "ith information and analy8ing events s rro nding yo r life. Gnfort nately) if yo !ontin e fa lty thinking for an e=tended

period) it erodes yo r spirit al !ore. Cha $n'$s an( cons)"ain)s& *o!iologists p rport that one m st re!ogni8e the !onstraints that o r ! lt re and so!iety impose) and ho" they interplay into o r lives to be able to alter !ontrollable !ir! mstan!es. Constraints s !h as e!onomi! for!es) pop lar ! lt re) family) and politi!s infl en!e every one of individ al level. s on an

Econo%ic Fo"c$s* As the G.*. e!onomy !hanges) it affe!ts the repla!ement of higher paying ,obs to lo">paying servi!e oriented ,obs) and this poses e!onomi! hardships on single mothers and nder ed !ated single fathers. 'ven the higher paying ,obs have !reated barriers and !onstraints. To get one of them) one has to have a !ollege ed !ation or be skilled in a parti! lar area. This also affe!ts yo ng married !o ples) "ho are str ggling to make ends meet. $any relationships fa!e diffi! lties over finan!es and many fall apart. The gro"ing divor!e rate !ontrib tes to poverty) high !rime rates) domesti! violen!e and the list goes on and on. %n addition) the listed so!ial problems dire!tly affe!t the lives of individ als7 ho"ever) the individ als "ho are affe!ted do not re!ogni8e the so!ietal !onstraints that hold them !aptive. T$chno o'ica chan'$s have e=tended the life span of the average Ameri!an and the de!line in the birth rates. This so nds like a blessing) b t look at the other end of the spe!tr m. *in!e people are living longer) "ages are going do"n and health !osts are steadily rising. Therefore) rising medi!al !osts eat p savings and that !o ld easily !ast a borderline middle !lass family into finan!ial distress or homelessness. %n addition) "ith dis!overies) there is a ne" po!ket of poverty established be!a se not everyone "ill be able to adapt to the steady rate of !hanges. %f yo are one of the nfort nate ones !a ght p in this transition) "hat is !an to make happening to yo may not be totally yo r fa lt. This is "hy it is important to get as m !h information as yo

de!isions) establish long range) short range goals) and have a master s rvival plan. These !hanges !an !ertainly infl en!e o r personal development be!a se of the tenden!y to self>blame "hen things do not go as planned. *ome people may think that maybe they do not deserve their dreams and desires be!a se of the inability to negotiate their environments. This !an lead to anger against Bod and the angrier one be!omes) the more alienated heDshe be!omes. and the over all stability of the family. The politi!al environment infl en!es families and the definition of "hat makes p a family. %n the last fifty years or so) ho" "e see family has !hanged drasti!ally. The traditional families !onsisted of man) "oman and !hildren. .o") be!a se of the transitions in o r ! lt ral beliefs) val es) and mass transportation) the family no" !onsists of same se= marriages) friends living together) or any individ al or gro p of individ als "ho !onsider themselves a family. The mass media is another agent of so!iali8ation and !hanges7 and the internet is be!oming a po"er tool to disseminate data. %t is both a blessing and a negative in o r so!iety. %t provides a !ost effe!tive means of getting information o t to a large a dien!e and it provides a means of p tting o t harmf l information. $any people have fallen vi!tim to s"indles perpet ated by %nternet s!ammers) internet !hat rooms) "ebsites) and dating servi!es that 4 ?n!e this happens) it affe!ts relationships) !hoi!es of ,obs) and poor health

have made national ne"s be!a se of their negative effe!ts on !hildren) !ons mer relationships and the family. '=perts "orry abo t the destr !tion of personal relationships fostered by the se of !omp ters by yo ng people and it be!omes a reality more and more every day. :o" these advan!es impa!t yo depends on the e=tent yo rely on the information that yo re!eive. Television sho"s) movies) pop m si!) maga8ines) radio) advertising) sports) hobbies) fads) and fashions pose !onstraints pon s by infl en!ing o r personalities) de!ision>making abilities) and s bse9 ent family life. There are other !onstraints in o r so!iety) b t the ones listed provide e=amples of ho" o r !hoi!es may not be be!a se "e are nable to make good de!isions. %t is e=a!erbated be!a se of the indo!trination of the printed) broad!ast media) and the infl en!es left in pla!e. %t is important to monitor the type of information that goes in the psy!he. %t is e9 ally important to be!ome a"are of all the barriers imposed by yo r environment) yo r val es) beliefs) ed !ational and skill level) and yo r so!ial !lass pla!ement. The vast !hanges in so!iety have led to the !hange of "omen<s roles over a period of time) b t the traditional role e=pe!tations are still there. Conservative religio s leaders) ed !ational instit tions) politi!s) and the printed and broad!ast media reinfor!e them. Therefore) "hen "e start to think abo t !hange or taking o r lives to another level) "e m st !onsider the so!ial !onditions nder "hi!h "e make de!isions and the type of information "e let into 3

o r minds.

+oth men and "omen are shaped by the so!ial

str !t re in "hi!h they live) the stat s of males and females) and ho" ea!h play o t their roles and role e=pe!tations. Traditionally) "omen<s "o $s assi'n$( )o )h$% )h$ "$s!onsi#i i)+ )o 'i,$- )o n.")."$ an( s.!!o") )o '$) o,$. %f) at anytime they go off to seek their o"n destinies) they seem selfish. Traditional roles program "omen to give in order to re!eive. This is in dire!t !ontradi!tion to the so!iali8ation that men re!eive7 to a!hieve their highest "ith "omen ba!king them. (omen are no" stepping o tside of their traditional roles to p rs e their o"n dreams and ambitions. This often "ill !a se g ilt be!a se of past so!iali8ations) b t efforts m st be made by "omen and their partners to strive beyond it to redis!over lost dreams. %f the environment that yo !reated or the one yo , st inherited does not s pport this ,o rney) make a spe!ial effort to align yo rself "ith a gro p of personally and spirit ally po"erf l "omen and men "ho do. Wha) cons)i).)$s wo%anhoo(/ $any "omen make the mistake of believing that be!a se they "ere born female they a tomati!ally kno" "hat makes a real woman. They perform the d ties that go into making a home r n smoothly) by raising the !hildren) holding do"n f ll time ,obs) and at the end of the day) many still have to find the time and energy to be a playmate to their partners. :o"ever) deep in their minds) they "onder) "hat does it really means to be a "oman; 1

#emales go thro gh an identity sear!h every de!ade of their lives. +ased on age) life styles) and self>a"areness many think they already have the ans"er. They look to their partners) their fathers) their brothers) and their friends in sear!h of themselves as they try to rea!h some nidentifiable goal and silently "onder if they have the right or the liberty to ponder..."hat it really means to be a "oman. Therefore) they , st t !k their fears) inse! rities) n!laimed dreams) and desires deep inside and go into the "orld pretending that all is "ell. Can anyone really see beneath the mask and see the real "oman; (here is she; (ho is this real "oman; Wh$"$ a"$ )h$ "$a %$n/ $en) thro gho t the annals of time) have devoted m !h time and !ontemplation defining "omanhood) and it "as not ntil re!ent times that "omen have started to address these same iss es. All of the vario s instit tions that form o r so!iali8ation system J!h r!h) family) marriage) politi!s) et!.K help to define "omen<s roles and identities. The problem "ith this is that these definitions are in!ongr ent "ith "hat many "omen feel and e=perien!e. This in!ongr en!e !a ses imbalan!e in the psy!hes of many "omen) !reating all manner of dysf n!tions "ithin them that are naked to the visible eye. Armed "ith dreams and desires formed by their peers) parents) the media) and all the information that !omes in thro gh all of their senses) females form relationships "ith fa lty belief systems that are based on these imbalan!es and life e=pe!tations.

$en learn from so!ially assigned roles and many men never find o t "hat it means to be a man be!a se of the !hanges in so!iety. (hen they intera!t "ith other men) they ,oin them in the perse! tion of those men "ho openly admit or sho" that they do not have a !l e abo t "hat it means to be a man) and those "ho a!!ept the !hanges and redefine themselves. $any men "ho try to hold do"n traditional definitions of manhood feel that they m st prove their manhood by demonstrating !ontrol over their partners7 sometimes this e9 ates to violen!e) manip lation) and psy!hologi!al imbalan!es in many men. ?verall) so!iety e=pe!ts men to hold do"n a f ll>time ,ob and take !are of the finan!ial and emotional needs of their families. Traditionally married "omen !an "ork) if they !hoose) to b t d e to the e!onomi! sit ations in modern times) many "omen have to "ork in order to help s pport the needs of the family. *ome men !ontin e to believe that they m st "ork and many base their mas! linity on their ability to take !are of their families. This trend is !hanging) ho"ever) not as rapidly as for "omen7 men are opting to stay at home "hile their "ives "ork. Their peers 9 estion them be!a se men are e=pe!ted to be the bread"inner "hile sim ltaneo sly trying to find it "ithin him to sho" kindness and sensitivity. %till, many wonder, is that what it means to be a man?

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$any men) attempting to define their o"n selves) attempt to define the roles of "omen. (e kno" that their so!iali8ations as a man depend on their ability to perform spe!ifi! d ties in !ooperation "ith the "oman being the s bmissive partner. %t is nderstandable that some men strive to maintain the stat s 9 o "hether it is the man or the "oman "ho !hanges. The partners have to !hange "ith them) and this !hange is leading to the displa!ement of many men<s self>!on!ept) and their vie"s of manhood in modern times. $any of the roles assigned to "omen do not fit all "omen and to try to p sh them on all "omen) regardless of their talents and interests) often spells disaster. (ho a!!epts the blame "hen disaster strikes; % maintain that no one is to blame. ? r so!iety is !hanging and everyone has to seek his or her o"n pla!e in the ne" realities. The travesty is to keep reality. *eeking the tr th is the ltimate key to as!ending to a higher level of !ons!io sness be!a se on ea!h level there a"aits a ne" tr th and a ne" reality. (ith this tr th !omes ne" !hallenges and opport nities , st "aiting for the eyes to open. $any people from all lifestyles may be on the same ,o rney and it has nothing to do "ith ra!e) ethni!ity) in!ome) se= al orientation) et!. :o"ever) there m st be a starting point "ithin the self > "here one !an fa!e their demons) deal "ith them and move on. %f an individ al is overly !on!erned abo t their roots) looks) life s!ripts formed sing an o tdated and fa lty

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d ring !hildhood) then healing "ill not begin ntil internal pea!e is rea!hed7 that is the essen!e of personal and spirit al gro"th. An individ al m st rise above the s rfa!e level Jhis or her o"n iss esK) to seek the tr th7 this makes it easier to !omm ni!ate "ith ea!h other be!a se there is no tenden!y to delve into the o ter layers of reality) b t to go "ithin the self and meeting Bod. (hen "e are able to shed the o ter layers of reality) "e !an start to deal spe!ifi!ally "ith the tr e spirit. The individ al "ho is able to stand ba!k and look at their life in perspe!tive is able to re!ogni8e their o"n !ontrib tions to their o"n pain) as "ell as re!ogni8e the strengths gained from the e=perien!es. The individ al) "ho is not allo"ed to speak of the !hallenges of their o"n) !reates t"o dynami!s7 the speaker "ill not be able to pro!ess those e=perien!es7 and the re!eiver "ill not nderstand anything of that person<s ,o rney. %n addition) this affe!ts the total so!iety as "ell as prevents himDher from having empathy and !ompassion for the other person and this la!k of sharing "ill impede the re!eiver<s o"n sense of hisDher o"n. #or e=ample) men and "omen have different paths and both e=perien!e pain and disappointment. (hen one person !annot hear the other<s story) !annot see that their paths are parallel) , st per!eived differently) healing and gro"th is hampered.

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Yo. c"$a)$ +o." own "$a i)+& %t is imperative that yo not spend a lot of time thinking abo t "hat yo do not have or !omplaining to others abo t yo r fail res. !onstr !tion of reality) yo Thro gh a pro!ess of so!ial !reate yo r reality thro gh so!ial in this reality) yo r

intera!tions. As yo present yo rself in terms that s it the setting) yo r p rposes) and if others relate to yo reality emerges. This makes it very important to be mindf l abo t "hat yo say abo t yo rself and yo r dreams and to "hom yo tell. 'ven if "hat yo say does not represent yo r tr e feelings) b t yo present them as real) they be!ome real in their (hen an individ al tries to do"nplay their !onse9 en!es.

!ontrib tions aro nd friends and family that are not as a!!omplished) the family "ill believe "hat yo say abo t yo rself and "ill rea!t to their beliefs and yo "onder "hy they do not nderstand yo . IS IT TOO LATE/ * have wondered up and down lifes highways Headed on a path that * did not chart. * thought that my life is predestined, but now * learn that * have choices, but is it too late for me? How do *, at this late stage, begin to chart a new course? Where do * get the energy and motivation to do the things? (ecessary to embark upon a new journey Is it too late? Dr. Pearlie $. Jones) *pring 01) Ja!ksonville) .C

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$any middle>aged "omen are dis!overing for the first time that they do not have "hat they "ant and are de!iding to take !harge of their o"n lives. They "onder if the damages of their so!iali8ations !an ever be ndone. Therapy !an help b t it "ill take a long time. Praying helps b t yo still need information and an a!tion plan) and prayer re9 ires a !ommitment on yo r part and a belief that Bod "ill do "hat yo asked. Do yo even believe that yo !an do it; +e of good !heer) anyone !an s !!eed at any part of his or her life and be!ome a po"erf l and empo"ered h man being be!a se s !!ess is) as yo per!eive it) and not ho" someone else does. People "ho made it despite in!redible odds !an s ally tra!e their s !!ess ba!k to someoneJsK "ho en!o raged them. The impet s of this se!tion is to stress the importan!e of developing a positive) n rt ring and s pportive environment b t this starts "ith yo and the first step is to believe in yo rself) tr st yo rself and believe that yo !an have "hat yo "ant.

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PART II MY INSPIRATION

WHERE IS MY MUSE/ * am traveling on the lonely road alone and * dont even know where * am going or who * will meet along the way. * come to the fork in the road and * cant decide which "ath to take. What * wouldnt give for someone To walk this road with me. Where is my muse, the one person who can Take me by the hand and lead me to great heights; This journey is getting too hard, maybe * would be better off *f * just went back to the beginning, at least there * will meet "eople that * know. #aybe that life wasnt so bad, after all. +ut, * have come too far to turn back now, +ut it is still good to know Where is my muse; Dr. Pearlie $. Jones %nspirations !an be fo nd thro gh many aven es7 sometimes it !omes by listening to the testimonies of others "ho have over!ome e=treme !hallenges. $ost important people often attrib te some of

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their s !!esses to people "ho have gone before. These people are not ne!essarily family b t people "ho have done important things in their genre. 'n!o ragement and inspiration are available in books) television intervie"s of people over!oming in!redible odds) !lasses taken) !hosen a!tivities and a!tively b ilding a positive and n rt ring s pport gro p. Ao r family is often a good pla!e to start. (here did they !ome from in life; They may not be) in the eyes of so!iety) as s !!essf l b t they may have s rvived in!redible odds. J st think of the kno"ledge) skills and abilities it m st have taken to make it despite the odds. .o one has to e=ist in a perpet al state of hopelessness and despair. :o"ever) to do this) make !on!erted efforts to gain information and se it to transform yo r life. #rom the Boals "orksheet) sele!t the goals that are important to yo and make a plan. The first pla!e to begin is to begin "ith yo rself by believing that yo !an a!hieve yo r goals. There !annot be eno gh emphasi8e on "hat individ als believe. They internali8e and a!t pon the beliefs and the beliefs manifest themselves into a!tion. 'a!h person has the ability to impa!t so!iety in a very small and a very large "ay. %f yo present yo rself) as yo "ant others to believe yo to be and if yo "ork hard at be!oming that person) yo "ill begin to see this refle!ted in the "ay others per!eive yo . This does not !ome easy b t "ith pra!ti!e yo !an do it. Asso!iating "ith only positive people) reading positive literat re) /4

spirit al and personal development books) the +ible) and anything that yo !an get yo r hands on that "ill help in the improvement of yo r mind and yo r thinking "ill make this possible. Fike any other goal) yo m st believe that yo !an believe in yo rself) and yo have to make others believe in yo . (hile the man and "oman travel do"n life<s high"ay trying to seek ans"ers) they may e=perien!e and do many hideo s things to those they meet along the "ay) b t many "onderf l things "ill happen also. 'a!h ne" e=perien!e strengthens and adds to their po"er as h man beings7 all "e have to do is learn ho" to vie" ea!h obsta!le as a means to strengthen and provide tools to rea!h higher levels of reality. Do%$s)ic Vio $nc$& The different role e=pe!tations sometimes lead to domesti! violen!e. This se!tion is not an attempt to , stify the violen!e in any "ay be!a se there are some mean and violent people and many theories are in pla!e as possible e=planations. The attempt here is to provide information on the effe!t of domesti! violen!e on the psy!hologi!al make p of the vi!tim. The 'mpo"erment *e!tion proves more information on domesti! violen!e and it is important to in!l de the relationship bet"een the different role e=pe!tations in this dis! ssion. $en and "omen sometimes ,oin bringing their o"n ideas of "hat they are s pposed to be b t are ns re. This !an and often does !a se disaster. The follo"ing poem speaks to domesti! violen!e) /3

rape) in!est and verbal ab se at the hands of men in a "oman<s life. Anger is a !onstant !ompanion and hope is ndeniably the ans"er b t anger p shes hope aside.

WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT/ * have been told as long as * can remember that * am supposed to be submissive to the man. * struggle to live according to my sociali,ation, but what rights do you have to violate my inner parts with your desires so uncontrolled, your dreams and visions so unfocused? !o your rights allow you all forms of abuses? When you are sociali,ed to protect me? What rights do you have to lead me when you don-t know where you are going? What gives you the right to think that the world is your domain? .nd where does it tell you that my body is a part of this ac/uisition? !oes this entitle you to verbally and physically abuse me while * am still to believe that you love me? Dr. Pearlie $. Jones) * mmer 55) Dallas) TM Gnfort nately) this poem e!hoes the sentiments of far too many "omen in o r so!iety. #ort nately) there are many "ho have never /1

and may never e=perien!e ab se and oppression. :o"ever) this book is for those of yo "ho have or kno" someone "ho has. (hat type of family life do yo think a nion of this reality "o ld !reate; % gre" p hearing elders say) HDon<t do as % do) do as % say.I As a parent) this is a very po"erf l statement and perhaps the best advi!e yo !o ld give at a given sit ation) b t looking farther do"n the line) yo may have yo th "ho e=press the follo"ing sentiment& VOICE OF YOUTH * have been taught to be obedient, respectful and submissive e to my parents. * struggle hard every day to live according to these sociali,ations, but what rights do you have as adults and the ones to lead me, to violate my trust, my childhood with your desires and dreams so uncontrolled and so unfocused. How can you protect me when * see you as the perpetrators? They t rn to their mothers seeking the ans"ers) b t meet only the mask that she has "orn all of her life as she) too) asks the signifi!ant men in her lifeN !o your rights mean that the only rights * have left are to feel the pains that you have left in the place of my pride? What gives you the right my brother, my father, my lover, my friend, what gives you the right? Dr. Pearlie $. Jones) * mmer 00) Ja!ksonville) .C /5

.o do bt) those "ho share these sentiments are filled "ith anger) resentment and hostility. %t is very diffi! lt to lead anyone else to a pla!e of pea!e and tran9 ility "hen yo r o"n head is a battlegro nd for the demons from yo r !hildhood) yo r environment and the res lting realities yo have !reated by the imbalan!es and in, sti!es in yo r o"n life. Wo%$n an( An'$"& $any of yo may not have s ffered ab se) b t "hat abo t the feeling of abandonment or re,e!tion; +e!a se of the !onf sion and transitions that are taking pla!e "ithin o r present>day families) many people emerge from families "ith feelings of rage d e to abandonment iss es. ?ne !an feel abandoned by a parent) friend or lover and still live in the same ho se or vi!inity to them. There is physi!al and emotional abandonment and they both "re!k emotional havo! in o r lives. The follo"ing poem represents ho" % felt be!a se of my father "ho "as not a father to me in any sense of the "ord. (hen % finally !onfronted him at aro nd t"enty>one years of age) he blamed his absen!e on my mother. F !kily my mother "as a strong and visible for!e in my life and % did not fo! s my rage on her. #or many years) rage "as my !onstant !ompanion ntil % finally de!ided to part "ays "ith it.

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THE RAGE OF SILENCE *n silence, * watched my father race by my mother and me as if we were nothing. With my heart in my throat, volts of light were shooting from my tear0swelled eyes that scorched my nose and lips as * watched my father move down the road without ever looking back until he finally disappeared. * faced abandonment *( %*12()2 * served my mother for thirty unchallenged years to the best of my ability. Though no matter how much * gave3 it never seemed to be enough to keep her from choosing men over me. .nd like a good daughter, * shrouded my emotions in silence * suffered with my feelings of rejection *( %*12()2 * cried out to the dark until the river of my soul ran thy and my body ached while the words of my perfect, beautiful, educated husband rang out like thunder through my being, 4* never loved you5 and every day as my soul mate proved his words to be true, * let a little more of my hopes, dreams and youth pass into a dark abyss of self0pity with my sanity and self0esteem seemingly trapped in a state of irretrievable silence. Oenton Jones) /551) Dallas) TM

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%f yo have a similar reality) anger "ill be one of yo r tr est and !losest friends. %f yo have been on yo r ,o rney for any length of time) anger "ill be there thro gh yo r ad lthood) helping de!ide "hom yo "ill marry) "hat types of ,obs yo "ill take) and "ill form a large portion of yo r reality base. This friend may be so !aref lly !on!ealed ntil no one ever noti!es. Anger "ill be there "hen yo raise yo r !hildren and) if yo are not !aref l) anger "ill pass onto yo r !hildren and yo r !hildren<s !hildren. The !y!le of violen!e !an be disr pted "ith information and a strong s pport gro p. (e see eviden!e of anger "hen o r !hildren are o t of !ontrol and "e hang o r heads in shame) m ttering to o rselves HOids aren<t the "ay they sed to be. The family is falling apart. +oyP Those "omen need to stop "orking) stay at home and raise those !hildren.I ?r e9 ally "e hear) H#athers need to take more time "ith their !hildren.I :o" many times have yo heard someone say) HThe government needs to do something;I (hat do yo think; Poorly managed anger is at the root of many serio s physi!al) so!ial and emotional problems7 from heart disease to neighborhood violen!e. %t is important that "e empo"er o rselves) nderstand o r o"n and othersQ feelings and resolve !onfli!t in a non>violent manner.

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Re!ogni8e "hen yo are feeling angry. (hat makes yo angry; (hen is anger sed as a !over> p for other emotions ... fear) stress) shame) fatig e) embarrassment; Empathi8e. Try to see things from the other personQs point of vie". (hat are that personQs feelings; Can yo remember having a similar feeling; Fearn to se R%R messages to e=press yo r feelings. JR% feel angry "hen ... % donQt like it "hen ... % am h rt that...RK. Think. ?ften o r anger !omes from ho" "e look at things. *ome e=perts say that o r tho ghts a!t ally !reate o r angry feelings) and no one !an make s angry. :o" "e think abo t a sit ation) ho" "e interpret "hat someone says and ho" "e handle o r fr strations and disappointments are "hat stirs p o r anger. Hear "hat the other person is saying) "here the other person is !oming from. Che!k to see if yo nderstand !orre!tly. R%Qm trying to nderstand "hat yo are saying. Ao say...R Fook into the other personQs eyes to sho" that yo are listening. This kind of a!tive hearing "orks both "hen yo are the angry person and "hen someone is angry "ith yo . (hen people are h rt they "ant to be heard. Bive feedba!k that yo are hearing them. Integrate respe!t and love "ith "hat yo say abo t yo r anger. *ometimes people need to speak o t their anger for a "hile) even if it seems disrespe!tf l. Then they !an learn and pra!ti!e more

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respe!tf l and !aring "ays to e=press the anger. (ords) after all) are safer than a!tionsP Noti!e yo r bodyQs rea!tion as yo get angry& in!reased heart rate) breathing harder and faster) heada!hes) stoma!h pains) tension in the ne!k) and pains in the !hest. Fearn to bring yo rself nder !ontrol and noti!e ho" yo !alm yo rself. (hat "orks for yo ; Fong "alks) ,ogging) thinking abo t other "ays to look at the sit ation) meditation) listening to m si!) doing art"ork) or telling yo rself R%Qm ?O.R 0eep yo r attention on the present event and alternative sol tions. Do not bring p old gr dges and "o nds. Oeep yo r fo! s on the behavior that is !a sing the diffi! lty. Oeep personalities o t of it.

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PART III GETTING PAST THE PAIN % !onsider myself a seasoned "oman and have been told all my life) in!l ding no") that % am destined for greatness. % am strong) talented and have my "hole f t re ahead of me. #or a very long time) % !o ld not nderstand ho" anyone !o ld see that greatness in me "hen % !o ld only see pain in the essen!e of my being. (hile sear!hing for my inner pea!e) % !o ldn<t take the time to look inside be!a se "hen % did7 % !o ld only see darkness) sadness) and disappointments forged by the poverty) dis!rimination and my str ggle to make it in a !onvol ted "orld. #or many years) anger "as my shield from the pain and fr strations !reated by the negative energies en!o ntered in my travels. Anger) my shield) my partner) "as there for me as % started my ,o rney as a very yo ng "oman. Anger "as there for my fore parents be!a se of oppressive and ab sive environments that they lived and str ggled to s rvive in. The strength of their anger drove my fore parents. :and in hand) anger led me thro gh life<s trea!hero s bends and ! rves and shielded me from the pains of my life. There !ame a time) several years ago) "hen % gre" tired of my life mates and longed for something more. % had a vision of a better emotional life b t % , st did not kno" ho" to grasp it. % t rned in"ard and listened to the 9 iet spirit.

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HOPE ETERNAL *n my spirit Hope silently whispered to me, you are right3 you deserve more than to live your life through the eyes of .nger6 * see the light in your eyes that signal to me that you are ready for me. )ome with me3 allow the light into your life. 1earn how to look inside yourself and when you do, you will find me there. *n the stillness of my spirit 7od said, * am the you that you forgot the moment you were born. * am the you that your parents, society, teachers, and peer groups have taken so much trouble to make you forget. * am He who has always been with you, just turn to #e listen to your heart. Dr. P. Jones) * mmer 00 Ja!ksonville) .C % fo nd that it "as possible to rise above the pain to find inner pea!e. % look ba!k on the e=perien!es no" and reali8e that % "as on a spirit al ,o rney. At the ape= of that ,o rney) % fo nd Bod and it "as at that point "hen % emerged. % emerged a tr ly healthy and empo"ered h man being. As % !ontin ed my ,o rney) "eathering

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all manner of storms) th nderstorms and h rri!anes) there !ame a point in my life "hen % reali8ed that these have only been !hallenges pla!ed in my path to help me see my strengths. (hat a "onderf l e=perien!e for me to look ba!k over my ,o rney and reali8e "hat % had be!ome. B$co%in' Awa"$& The follo"ing poem is a very po"erf l and meaningf l pie!e "ritten by my son abo t /3 years ago. % often told him of the str ggles that % had to end re !oming from an impoverished ba!kgro nd in Arkansas) raised by my mother in the Deep *o th. ?ften) % have fo nd) in speaking to some yo th abo t past str ggles) they sometimes find it boring. Conse9 ently) it moved me "hen my son approa!hed me "ith this poem as his interpretation of my life. %t also all des to the very point "hen % started to see my life in retrospe!t and reali8ed that % have be!ome&

STRONG AND MAJESTIC 8rom the backwoods of poverty with a narrow view of life, * embraced the world with a virgin spirit. 9naware of the darkness or indifference, my light, though bruised and battered, reached out yet again. .flame with hopes and dreams fort by tradition, * felt my sanity slipping into the abyss of darkness and ignorance, and all its mates disguised as security. There was an absence, a void. !rawing upon the primal forces of love and light, 23

* concentrated my very soul into a spark. That spark, weak and sick from separation, struggled and found its way back. The soul now complete, struggles for a still unfamiliar plane 0freedom. Through many ugly and hostile planes of e:istence, the duality of my soul depended on ;7od.< *t W.% #= masculine strength and sense of justice that protected you. *t was the sisterhood founded in the she0part of the )reator that nourished your spirit and the creativity that flows with your life from the cup of your femininity. .nd now, knowledgeable of the world, yet isolated, separate, but in touch3 an innocent in a complicated world, destiny has washed over my body like the tide, warm and wonderful, and it has revealed only but a glimpse of infinite possibilities. >efreshed and cleansed, l am a bust with passion and, once again, * have miraculously given birth to a revelation. With pride, * rise victoriously to new and untold challenges. 1ike a phoeni:, beautiful and blinding, * soar, on fire with passion3 for the woman is mystical, sentient, sensuous, powerful and intelligent. * am a mother, lover, sister, leader, healer, a fierce combatant and a loyal friend. The wisdom of the ages, as well as the hopes of the future rest within my +irth loins under control, awaiting the nourishment of my bosom. * am woman, and like an unknown deity, * have always been here. * am aware of the past, am in touch with 21

the present, and * will mother the future I AM WOMAN. * can fly, but if * should fall, dont -tear me, Help me. 8or all my encompassing spirit will rise again, *n innocence, in e:cellence and in strength. (ritten by Oenton Jones) % traveled life<s high"ays !ons med "ith @AB' for years be!a se % felt this strong sense of abandonment "hen my father negle!ted me7 !onse9 ently) % allo"ed other people into my life that "o ld abandon me in other "ays. % allo"ed myself to believe that % really "as not "orth it any"ay. % fo nd plenty of people) both men and "omen) "ho shared this sentiment "ith me. $y beliefs !reated my reality and % made !hoi!es and de!isions based on these false realities. % fa!ed all of these !hallenges on my ,o rney) b t no"... STRONG AND MAJESTIC- con)1( * awake to a new day amidst the stormy seas, navigating my way through treacherous waves and reefs that men dare not sail alone3 isolated because * captain my own ship. +ecause * dared to survive to live to dream again. +ecause my father was not a father to me. +ecause my mother, at the interference of men, allowed me to call upon strength untold and * moved beyond her. +ecause my lovers wanted to run, free like stallions, 25

dragging my love, my life, in addition, my child in the wake of their trampled and withered wild oats. +ecause * have survived the misogynist, homophobic and self0hatred my brother has for his mother and the creative, nurturing part of his soul that she was so careful to cultivate. +ecause * used those dark seeds, that gift of his anger and pain and all that man could throw at me to find my way back. (o longer in silence, but in >.72, my soul cries out WH=6 .nd as my eyes look toward the sky and revel in the warmth of the morning %un, * reali,e what * have become and Why Do You Fear Me? (ritten by Oenton Jones) '=!erpt from HThe @age of *ilen!e)I the Play) * mmer 50) Dallas) TM (hen yo !an look at life and those aro nd yo in the fa!e and ask these po"erf l 9 estions mentioned in the previo s poem) yo are starting to "ake pP Fife<s !hallenges !an sometimes render one po"erless and "hen it does) it is hard to imagine anyone feeling fearf l or intimidated by yo . %t is not yo ) per se7 it is the po"er that resides "ithin every one of s. *ome people !an see this and some even try to keep yo from be!oming a"are of yo r o"n personal po"er. %n fa!t) yo may not even be a"are that anyone is noti!ing yo . Fook aro nd yo ) yo "ill s ddenly reali8e that yo have been living in the shado"s all of yo r life. (hen yo reali8e this) yo kno" it is time to peep yo r head o tside of the spirit al 30

!ave and fortress yo have been in all of yo r life and start on yo r ,o rney to self>dis!overy and personal and spirit al empo"erment. COMING OUT OF THE SHADOWS * spent a lifetime lurking in the shadows in a world created by racism, se:ism, poverty, and the internali,ation of these oppressions. (urtured only by my fears and insecurities, * built a fortress within the darkness. *n this dark world, pain was a constant companion. .nger has been my constant companion and has been with me through the ages. .nger helped me build this fortress and was my only and best friend in this dark world. *t was akin to two souls +?9(! by my dark realities. * wore self0confidence as a shield to prevent others who share this world with me from knowing who * really was. * learned to speak the language of happiness, peace and contentment. +ut these words did not reflect what * felt inside. +ut one day, * ventured beyond the edges of darkness and beheld the light of truth. This truth came to me through information, and thence * started my journey into lightness. #y sojourn into the light was blinding. * retreated into the comfort of the shadows. (o longer satisfied with the limitations of this darkness, * tucked my fears and insecurities deep within my soul and ventured into the light once more. 3/

?nce into a world of bright sunshine, * found hope. Dr. Pearlie $. Jones) * mmer 00) Ja!ksonville) .C %n yo r spirit) yo kno" that yo did not find :ope. :ope has al"ays been there in the re!esses of yo r mind) heart and so l. Ao "ere too blinded by yo r anger and its mates to see. All yo had to do "as open p yo r eyes to see beyond the shado"s to find the goodness that "aited for yo . @ea!h o t yo r arms and heart) take the hands of hope and allo" yo rself to be lead to a pla!e of pea!e and serenity. Five for the day "hen yo !an honestly say) * found myself6 (o longer can fear, pain and shame keep me bound to a world of darkness and * celebrate the day * rushed into the light e:claiming at the top of my voice, from the depths of my soul, W. T)H ?9T W?>1!, * H.@2 )?#2 ?9T ?8 TH2 %H.!?W%6< Dr. Pearlie $. Jones Coming o t of the shado"s is a tri mph7 b t on!e yo enter the bright "orld of s nshine) "ill yo be able to go forth and !laim the promises of Bod; %s there something that still keeps yo bo nd to that dark "orld that yo fo ght so hard to es!ape; ?n!e the e=!itement of the es!ape el des yo ) yo may still find yo rself

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"ith the harsh realities of not kno"ing "hat yo have inside of yo . People tell yo that yo are spe!ial) that yo have a lot going for yo rself and yo "ant to believe it b t yo , st do not see it yet. Therefore) yo look inside yo rself and ask&

IS IT ME/ * cant get beyond the fog to a place where there are no more unseen strings that keep me from achieving my highest. * reach, but * cannot seem to touch. * look but * cant seem to focus. When * try to push beyond my present reality, there is something that * cant see and touch that tells me endlessly that now is all that * will ever be. *s it me? What is it that tells me that * can do what * dont know how to do? Where do * get these notions that * am majestic, strong and resourceful? Who plants these seeds of greatness in me, and stays just beyond my consciousness, %ilently leading me beyond the fog? *s it me? 7od resonates in your spirit, * am the voice that speaks to you in the stillness of the night. * am the watcher while you sleep and your guide as you go stumbling through life trying to find your path3 * .# the planter of these seeds of 33

greatness in you. 1ook into your heart and find me there. =ou still ponder, What dark forces reside within me that keep me from thinking, feeling, .nd making the right moves so that * can claim the promises of 7od? %adly you reali,e, *T *% #26 Pearlie Jones Ja!ksonville) .C '=!erpt from the Performan!e) Pea!e in the $idst of the *torm

.o" that yo are !oming into yo r o"n) yo are a"are of yo r greatness and yo have be!ome f lly a"are that yo have taken on a"esome responsibilities. *ome "ere given to yo based on yo r gender and others yo took on yo rself trying to find love and a!!eptan!e. .o") yo are no longer satisfied "ith trying to hold p the "hole sky by yo rself and yo ask for s pport. (hile s ffering from lo" self>esteem and all of the other emotional !onse9 en!es of being in partnership "ith anger) yo "ere too afraid to ask) H(hat abo t me;I Ao didn<t "ant to appear too selfish) so yo "ent forth trying to hold p the "hole sky7 "hen yo "ere a!t ally e=pe!ted to hold p , st yo r part b t be!a se of yo r so!iali8ation yo took on the "hole sky "hile resting on a ro!ky fo ndation. Ao are "ell on yo r "ay to spirit al "ellness "hen yo !an look yo rself in the mirror and tell yo rself that yo need s pport and then be able take this re9 est beyond yo rself. Ao th are asking the same 9 estion...

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WHO1S WATCHING MY BAC0/ * rise each day to new and unfolding challenges ready to go forth into this world being strong, invincible and in control of my world and all it encompasses. )enturies and more it seems, * have been charged with the responsibility to keep the family and community together. This has been pounded into my head as part of my truth and reality as a woman. .s a man, *ve been told that * am supposed to protect, take care of the home and maintain control of my family. * have to be responsible for the religious values of my family and teach my sons how to be men, but someone forgot to tell me how this works. * stumble through life everyday pretending to have all of the answers when silently * am wondering... Whos watching my back? .s a young person, * am told to go out to be a lady but they forgot to tell me what this entirely means. * look to the T@ and all * see is meaningless se: and violence. * listen to the pop music and * hear women degraded. * hear violence and * look to my community and * see apathy. * then go back to my family and * get confusion. * feel that * am standing alone, Whos watching my back? *m strong, *m told and * mother the earth, *m told. * look around me and wonder where the father of this earth is? * look to my sisters and brothers .nd * cry out in lonely desperation...Whos watching my back? 32

*m trying to watch your back as *ve been told that this is my duty as a man. +ut where do * get to get the strength to shoulder your pain and mine too? * feel your pain but right now, * want to know... Whos watching my back? * believe that * have it made over the man. * play my role well as the protector, caretaker and nurturer. * listen to the rhetoric of my dear, sweet brothers .nd fashioned myself into a collage of what * have heard that they want. +ut, when * look around me, the decent /ualities that they said that they wanted are not in demand. .* still stand alone and * wonder to myself...Whos watching my back? (ow, * have discovered that all alone, according to the e:perts, * have been aiding and abetting the demise of the male child * did this single0handily because there was no man around to lend support. * look into my heart and soul and .sk myself, ;Was * supposed to do this alone and after all,< Whos watching my back? *ve been told that the =outh is the key to the future that we have to inherit a world. That our present leaders leave behind and that we are aiding and abetting the demise of this society because of our wild and violent ways. We aren-t doing this single handily because many of us can-t see the safety net beneath us. 34

We look into our own souls and hearts and ask ourselves, are we supposed to do this alone, and after all, did we make the drugs, the se: and violence that we see in the communities? !id we cause our parents hearts to break because of their dreams unfulfilled, their visions blurred by the pains of every day survival, as * look around me and see the confusion that abounds, * ask you, Whos watching my back? * was so busy watching the backs of my brothers and hurting sisters, * forgot to let them know that my back needed watching. * am asking you, W O! WA"# IN$ YO%& 'A#(? Pearlie Jones) Ja!ksonville) .C) 2000

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PART IV THE ROAD TO PEACE 'vent ally) the raging for!es of the storm may propel s into its eye "hile the "hirl"inds of life h rl aro nd s. *ometimes this l ll makes s think that the storm has passed) "hile in a!t ality) it has not. (itho t preparation) the raging storm still a"aits s. The one period in my life "hen % felt most !onne!ted to Bod and felt :is eminent presen!e "as d ring the time "hen everything in my life "as in transition and !haos. D ring this stormy time) % t rned to my heavenly #ather for g idan!e and s bstan!e. % tried rea!hing o t to others in the !h r!h !omm nity b t felt more b rdened than relieved. % remember one day "alking thro gh my ho se feeling sorry for myself) "ith my heart heavy and my so l !rying o t) H(hy;I %n the midst of all this pain) a s dden !alm !ame over me and then % kne" that from that moment on) it "as Bod and me. #rom that pre!ise moment) % started to live , st one moment at a time and started really looking for the positive and good things in my life. 'a!h morning "hen % got p) % "o ld pray for the things that % "anted to happen that day and thanked my Bod for them. As % "alked from one point to the other) % noti!ed that the sky "as bl er) the grass "as greener) and that people really responded on!e % opened my eyes and heart to them. % started taking ,oy in the smallest of mira!les and one day) % , st "as not over"helmed and depressed

31

any more. $y finan!ial sit ation "as not any better) my marriage "as not repaired) my !hild still e=hibited behavioral problems and physi!ally % "as still alone. % felt) ho"ever) that % "as not alone. (hen the time !ame for de!isions to be made) % made them more prayerf lly and !aref lly. This "as an a!!elerated period of gro"th for me. % a"oke ea!h day an=io s to start the ne" day) e=!ited like a yo ng !hild an=io sly a"aiting *anta to bring ever hoped for toys. % relin9 ished my life to Bod and "aited on :im for the first time in my life. % sa" little mira!les on every day of my ,o rney. % prayed for "hat % needed) believed that % "o ld get it and it "as done. %t "as , st that simple. % stopped "hining and !omplaining to my friends and "hen they asked me the stat s of my sit ation) % replied) H%<m tr ly blessed.I % felt Bod<s presen!e in everything that % did and "herever % "ent7 that "as s !h an over"helming feeling and one that % tho ght % "o ld !arry "ith me for the rest of my life. % "orked hard to get to this point and % had to let go of some tr ths imposed pon me by my so!iali8ations) my peers and repla!ed those that !ame to me thro gh my o"n personal dis!overies. % "as not thro gh gro"ing and life<s little lessons "ere not thro gh "ith me yet. 'a!h birthday bro ght its o"n ni9 e !hallenges b t having gone thro gh s !h a spirit al void and re>emergen!e) % had a strong spirit al fo ndation. $y !hallenge in later years be!ame my la!k of "orking on the spirit al fo ndation on a !ontin o s basis) by be!oming too rela=ed "hen the storms abated. 35

BLESSINGS %ome people spend an inordinate part of their youth bemoaning their misfortunes, not aware of what they possess in mind, body and spirit. They complain about all of the things they do not have and things they cannot control. They see the world through glasses of the ;have0nots< and allow themselves to feel the aches and pains of deprivation. They wallow in the afterglow of these feelings and wear them like badges of honor. *n the face of death and when the real pains of loss are reali,ed then it becomes clear that they overlooked all of 7ods greatest blessings shielded under the guise of their challenges and the ability to meet them triumphantly. Dr. Pearlie $. Jones

Ho!$ an( Fo"'i,$n$ss&

.ot "orking on b ilding a strong emotionally defenseless and

spirit al fo ndation "ill leave yo

v lnerable. D ring this Hdo"n time)I negative energies and negative people are more likely to enter yo r spa!e. These negative energies are akin to a vir s. ?n!e they get in) they slo"ly eroded yo r spirit al !enter. (hile the love of Bod) kno"ledge of :is po"er) and love are still there7 these energies !an and "ill !a se a spirit al void. This void allo"s those angry) petty and hostile feelings to move in and on!e 00

these negative feelings are in !ontrol) a !omplete !hange in attit de and tho ght patterns "ill o!! r. These !hanges often !a se physi!al stresses that lead to many of the stress related diseases that invade o r pop lation today. (hen negative energies move in) a !omplete spirit al re> a"akening m st take pla!e. The first step in re!laiming this spirit al po"er is re!ogni8ing that there is al"ays hope and that yo r heavenly #ather is , st a prayer a"ay.

WHAT IS LIFE WITHOUT HOPE *n trying times like these, it is difficult to find something to hold on to or believe that there is a tomorrow. 8or many of us there will be a tomorrow, but the challenge is to find beauty in the world that shows us strife and shows it as a guide that points our path to the W.=. How terrible is it to wake each new day and in a sea of despair, not mindful of the beauty that surrounds us and the blessings that come with a new day? To live each day in this bottomless pit is akin to living without hope and what is the beauty in that? 2mbrace each new day and awake to the promises of 7od and give praises for the challenges that come along the way, because there in the midst is H?"2. Dr. Pearlie $. Jones) 2000) Ja!ksonville) .C '=!erpt from HPea!e in the $idst of the *torm) the Performan!e.I

0/

Do yo feel that the key to pea!e of mind is merely for the asking; %n addition) do yo str ggle for years "ith the demons that keep yo p at night; Ao pray and pray b t those dark tho ghts !ontin e to !lo d yo r mind and prevent yo from living a life free of g ilt) shame and pain. Fo"'i,$n$ss is )h$ 2$+& ? r o"n personal healing !omes "hen "e are "illing to forgive others. $any people a!t ally kno" "hat it takes to find inner pea!e b t they are not "illing to do "hat it takes to a!hieve it. (hy hold on to the h rts and pains from the past "hen they are !learly !hains that keep yo bo nd in spirit al darkness; The a!t of forgiving is not so m !h for the other person) as it is for yo . %f yo ans"er yes to any of the follo"ing 9 estions) it is time yo spend a little time "ith yo rself in learning ho" to let go and find forgiveness "ithin yo rself for yo r "rongs and misdeeds as "ell as things done to yo by other people. S Do yo harbor g ilt) gripes) or gr dges from past sit ations; S Are yo plag ed by tho ghts like) %f only % had; or % "ish % didn<t .S Are yo afraid of re,e!tion) disapproval or abandonment; S (hen personal problems arise) do yo sometimes think) oh) no) not again; S Are yo ashamed of things yo <ve done; S Do yo "ish yo !o ld apologi8e to someone yo have "ronged and be forgiven; S Do yo "ish yo !o ld set the re!ord straight and finally be vindi!ated; 02

S Does thinking abo t the "ay yo on!e "ere Jbea tif l) !arefree) pop lar) athleti!) et!.K leave yo dissatisfied "ith "ho yo are today; S Do yo fre9 ently feel disappointed by or bitter abo t) yo r relationships at "ork or life in general; S Are yo fearf l of the f t re; S :as life not lived p to yo r e=pe!tations; I HAVE THE ANSWER +ecause He feeds the birds, because He planted the trees3 because He clothed the grass of the field, our heavenly 8ather, can provide for you and me. +ecause He directs the wind and tells it the way to blow, and He even controls the weather, and reminds it, its time to snow. +ecause He made the mighty rivers, and carved out the pathways for the tiny stream, then through his enduring power, He will help us to achieve our dreams. +ecause He placed the beauty, of the rainbow in the sky, and He alone, scooped out the valleys, made them narrow or wide because He loves us so, Hed already made a way for you and *. He formed the great mountains, He peaked them low or high3 He made the little birdies, and gave them wings to fly. He created the vast ?ceans3 on them He placed the many waves3 +ecause of His grace, He reaches down, rescues and saves. Dr. Pearlie $. Jones) Dallas) Te=as) /551

%t appears that many older people kno" ho" to take things in stride7 to live life at its f llest) to "eather the storms) yet e=hibit an ltimate sense of pea!e and serenity despite in!redible odds. The 03

ne=t !han!e yo have) take the time to talk to a senior !iti8en "ho has fo nd that pea!e that yo seek. %t is so !omforting to hear abo t the !hallenges they fa!ed in their yo th and to see the po"er of their faith today. *pend time "ith yo r older relatives and really listen to them. They !an be a strong so r!e of en!o ragement to yo on yo r spirit al ,o rney. @emember no") not all seniors have fo nd their inner pea!e. *tay a"ay from negative and mean spirited people of all ages. *pirit led seniors kno" that the ans"er to life<s !hallenges rests "ith Bod. THAN0S FOR THE LESSONS- MOTHER When * travel the roads you trod mother, my heart becomes heavy and my eyes misty. * think of the love, safely and security you provided me during the lean years when * know it must have been hard for you. * now know and understand the true depths of the despair you must have felt being poor, alone, uneducated and female. !espite the pain you suffered, you were able to teach me love of 7od, a strong sense of survival and compassion. #other thank you for teaching me how to have faith when everything around me was falling apart. Dr. Pearlie $. Jones) Dallas) Te=as) /551

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PART V PATHS TO EMPOWERMENT 'mpo"erment !omes from information that "e have gathered on o r ,o rney. %t is diffi! lt to move for"ard ntil the past be!omes , st that) the past. This se!tion makes a !onne!tion bet"een history) negative and positive e=perien!es. There are for!es operating in so!iety and ! lt rally that impa!t the environment "here "e live) thrive and negotiate o r s rvival and s bse9 ent empo"erment. In3o"%a)ion is !ow$"& Take a fe" min tes to refle!t pon this phrase. The more information that yo a!9 ire on anything "ill p t yo in a po"er position. :ave yo ever been a part of something b t not in the information loop; %f yo have fo nd yo rself on the o tside) then yo are familiar "ith the feelings that are asso!iated "ith not being a part of things and the res lting inse! rities. 1ife is like that also. The more yo kno" abo t yo rself) the more self> !onfident yo be!ome. $ake yo rself a st dent of life7 amass kno"ledge abo t yo rself) yo r !hallenges and ho" yo affe!t the "orld that yo impa!t. (e all have impa!t) yo kno". Th$ Roa( )o Inn$" P$ac$& $any "omen do not kno" "hat they "ant or if they even deserve the goodness in life be!a se for so long they have believed that they !o ld not have it7 or they have delayed their o"n dreams for the sake of the family. %t is advisable to "ork thro gh the '=er!ises& Assist in Personal Bro"th and Development) 02

lo!ated in the Appendi!es) at the start of yo r ,o rney. This "ill prevent yo from f mbling aro nd in the fog trying to find yo r path. Ao may e=perien!e an array of feelings as yo "ork thro gh the e=er!ises) and yo may dis!over that yo harbor negative feelings against individ als from yo r past be!a se of things that they may have done to yo . Additionally) yo "ill !ome to a f ll nderstanding that yo allo"ed yo rself to step do"n be!a se of some mispla!ed loyalty to a friend or a family member. This may !reate anger against yo by yo 7 so the first order is to forgive. L$a"n To Fo"'i,$ Yo."s$ 3& This means forgive yo rself for not being perfe!t) for the mistakes yo have made in yo r life and for the bad !hoi!es that lead yo to bad pla!es and people. Fook at all the relationships in yo r life) in!l ding family and friends. Are there people that yo feel that yo have h rt; Can yo find it in yo r heart to ask them for their forgiveness; Do yo find that this re9 est for forgiveness !omes hard for yo be!a se yo ) too) have been "ronged and yo do not nderstand (:A they !annot see that; 'ven if they "ill not or !annot forgive yo ) forgive yo rself and move on. They may not be able to get past their pain to see yo rs) therefore) yo have to take responsibility for yo r o"n pain and yo r o"n pea!e of mind. L$a"n )o Fo"'i,$ O)h$"s& Do not be afraid to give the release they need to move on in their ,o rney7 yo "ill find a sense of pea!e in doing this. Fook inside yo r heart) find and a!kno"ledge 04

areas "here yo might have failed a loved one. @emember) at the time of the deed) yo might have been operating on limited information) a false reality base and yo may have tho ght it "as right. %n retrospe!t) yo !an see that it "as not b t it is a "ise person "ho !an look himself or herself dire!tly in the mirror and admit transgressions. *o) give this individ al !los re and repair the bridge that prevents yo from being !lose to loved ones. This "ill be painf l and diffi! lt b t "hen it is all over) yo "ill start to find a sense of pea!e. Ao !annot !ontrol "hat other people feel or "hat they believe. The goal is to !lear the path to yo r glory sing pea!e and tr th) as yo nderstand it. Bod "ill provide the "ords and the strength "hen it is time. Think long and hard before taking any a!tion. .o matter "hat they have done to yo and ho" nfair it is to forgive them7 for yo r o"n sake) yo have infl en!ed have to let go. s to @emember o r past beliefs and ho" "e remember the events all s7 and ho" o r de!isions lead n!omfortable pla!es. (hen yo find yo are thinking bad abo t someone , st go into yo r prayer mode. %f yo do this eno gh) yo "ill a tomati!ally do it and it "ill be!ome se!ond nat re. Ao "ill find that person "ill !hange to"ards yo . They have their o"n spe!ial ,o rney. (e are not to , dge them) , st love them thro gh Bod as one of his spe!ial !hildren. %t is ironi! ho" the "orld seemingly !hanges "hen yo !hange ho" yo per!eive things. Jes s des!ribes this transformation. 03

The ltimate goal of spirit al strengthening is the re>programming of the tho ght pro!esses. The brain is like a !omp ter. %f negative information goes in then the only o tp t "ill be negative information. Therefore) "hat is p t into yo r mind m st be ,ealo sly g arded as yo "o ld yo r most pre!io s gems. @eading inspirational books that motivate and inspire are e=!ellent tools for the re>a"akening of the inno!en!e and godly po"er that lie "ithin ea!h person. ? r environment provides n mero s stim li both positive and negative. %n all of o r "aking ho rs) "e are !ontin ally re!eiving messages from the environment that affe!t o r reality. $ !h of this information enters o r psy!he on a s b>!ons!io s level. .evertheless) over 50T of environmental things "e !an !ontrol. %t is paramo nt that "e be!ome a"are of o r s rro ndings and "hat goes into o r senses. (e !an !ontrol the type of people "e are aro nd) the type of entertainment7 vis al) a ditory) and sensory information that "e absorb. %t takes !o rage and a strong !ommitment to one<s o"n spirit al health to say no to garbage. %t is very easy to fall into the Hpoor me mentalityI be!a se it feels good to bemoan the in, sti!es heaped pon yo at times. This is one time "here yo !an be the !enter of attention "hen yo are venting yo r fr strations and most of the time yo !an find an a dien!e. The bad thing abo t it is "hen yo are no longer of the fr strated) yo r a dien!e "ill !onstantly remind yo

01

in, sti!e and it "ill be diffi! lt for yo to take that high spirit al road again. %f yo get off the path too often) yo may appear as a hypo!rite. :o" many times have yo said something like that abo t a fello" Christian; %t is very !lear that to gro" spirit ally means that yo have to persevere and stay on that spirit al ,o rney even "hen the road gets ro!ky. %n fa!t) the ro!ky road !an be sed and an impet s for !hange. Ao Christian m s!les. don<t be!ome strong "itho t fle=ing yo r *o "hen tro ble !omes) this "ill be an

e=!ellent opport nity to test yo r resolve. *pirit al friends m st be developed and n rt red to prevent the inevitable loneliness) fr stration and sometimes depression that "ill !ome. Do not make the mistake of thinking that sin!e yo are on an enlightened path) that yo r life is going to be smooth sailing. %t is important that this inner !ir!le of peers have the same philosophy as yo be!a se too m !h energy spent in disagreements over basi! philosophi!al differen!es "astes pre!io s time. %t does not mean that either one is "rong7 it means that the t"o realities are divergent and "ill !a se fri!tion and sometimes estrangement. The travelers on this road need !onsisten!y to be able to stay fo! sed. Choose these people very !aref lly. Disco,$" +o." inn$" #$a.)+ an( c ai% i). (hen yo are feeling do"n on yo rself) , st think of the po"er yo inherited from yo r

05

heavenly #ather and kno" that :e did not make , nk. Allo" yo rself to feel the po"er that !omes from kno"ing that yo are a ni9 e and spe!ial person) and before yo kno" it) yo "ill start to feel Bod<s presen!e. Claim the val e that Bod gave yo at birth. )lose your eyes for a moment. )lear your mind and allow yourself to think about your anointing with power directly from your heavenly 8ather. How does that feel? Aeep your eyes closed for a few moments more to allow the reali,ation of your birthright to sink into the essence of your being. That feels good. .o" try to !arry that feeling "ith yo "herever yo go. (henever yo are aro nd negative people or in negative !ir! mstan!es7 go into that spe!ial pla!e and allo" yo rself to feel the "arming flo" of Bod<s love and imagine :im anointing yo "ith yo r birthright. Do not allo" anyone or anything to steal this from yo be!a se yo are +ea tif l. Fin( )h$ 'oo( in $,$"+)hin'& +e!a se "e live in a !onvol ted "orld) bad things do happen to good people. %t sometimes appears that "hen yo try to do right) it is as if yo "alk aro nd "ith a neon sign flashing) Hd mp on mePI (hen it is yo r time to sho lder some pain) a!!ept it gra!io sly and learn ho" to see Bod<s plan in it. Do not be so 9 i!k to think that Bod p t the b rden on yo . A !lose and !aref l s!r tiny of a sit ation "ill reveal that the o!! rren!e is be!a se of a re!ent or a

20

past de!ision. : manity has free "ill to make good or bad de!isions that affe!t o r lives for the rest of o r lives and o r !hildren<s lives. *o) think abo t short>term and long>term reper! ssions. Determine if it is !a sed by one of yo r !hoi!es if so) "hat have yo learned from this sit ation; Acc$!) )h$ )hin's +o. canno) chan'$& The serenity prayer really helps in making this a reality be!a se it does absol tely no good to spend a lot of energy on things in yo r life that yo !annot !ontrol. Fearn to re!ogni8e those things that yo do have !ontrol of and "ork on them. #or e=ample) if yo are in a bad relationship) do not "aste yo r time trying to !hange the other person. The only person that yo !an !hange is yo rself and yo kno" ho" hard it is to !hange. S$) on' )$"% an( sho")4)$"% 'oa s& @efle!t ba!k on the Boals (orksheet and list yo r goals in the follo"ing !ategories7 personal) finan!ial) spirit al) ed !ational) so!ial and !ivi!. Do not limit yo rself. Allo" yo rself to believe that yo have "hat yo "ant. %f yo fail to plan yo r goals) then yo plan to fail. Do yo think yo "ill ever kno" "hen yo rea!h yo r destination if yo do not kno" "here yo are going; @efer to the Boals (orksheet lo!ated in the (orkbook se!tion to develop an a!tion plan. #rom this a!tion plan) develop yo r short term and long>term goals. Do a 'oo( ($$( $,$"+(a+& This !an be a small gest re) like giving someone a sin!ere !ompliment) letting a shopper go ahead of yo 2/

at the s per market or a h ge one) like ! tting an infirmed person<s grass or organi8ing a !lean p !re" from the neighborhood to !lean a ho se for a senior person. %t does not matter "hat yo do) b t fo! s a portion of everyday thinking and doing something ni!e for someone else. $any people already give sa!rifi!ially b t is it be!a se it is e=pe!ted of yo ; %f so) do something for someone "ho absol tely does not have any e=pe!tations from yo and relish the feelings that yo gain from a tiny a!t of kindness. (hat "o ld happen if these tiny a!ts be!ome !ontagio s aro nd yo r offi!e or home; A"esomeP An)ici!a)$ w$ & (e form o r realities by "hat is believed. $ake yo r life more positive and f n by e=pe!ting a mira!le everyday. %nstead of e=pe!ting the "orse) e=pe!t the best from everyone yo meet. Fook for life<s tiny mira!les everyday and do not be ama8ed "hen yo find them. B$ '"a)$3. . Bratit de opens yo r heart to ,oy) so be s re to appre!iate all of yo r blessings) even the tiny ones. #ind ,oy in even the smallest things in yo r daily ,o rney. #or instan!e) no matter ho" bad things are in yo r life) look at "hat yo do have and be gratef l for that. Attit de means a lot and a positive attit de "ill dra" other people to yo . .o one "ants to be aro nd a !omplaining) ngratef l gro !h.

22

B$ Ha!!+& Ao !an solve most problems if they are per!eived as !hallenges rather than obsta!les. Do resear!h) read books and talk to other people "ho have gone thro gh yo r !hallenge and find ne" "ays of doing things. Fook at ea!h obsta!le as an opport nity to learn something ne". Atta!k ea!h !hallenge "ith optimism) honesty) tena!ity) a!!eptan!e) and event ally yo "ill be an over> all happier person even d ring !riti!al times of stress. B$ )h$ chan'$ +o. wan) )o s$$ in )h$ wo" (. This is the order of the day. As yo ,o rney thro gho t yo r life) yo "ill find many opport nities to make a differen!e in this "orld.

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PART VI SCENARIOS FROM REAL LIFE Sc$na"ios depi!t a!t al e=perien!es7 the names are fi!titio s to prote!t the identities. As mentioned nder the %nspiration se!tion) many people get motivated and inspired by listening to the ,o rneys of others. %t is hoped that one of these stories and their res lting dis!overies "ill assist yo in yo r ,o rney. *ome of these individ als have , st started on their ,o rney b t % felt that "as signifi!ant too to demonstrate their str ggles to !hange and the importan!e of finding others on this same ,o rney. Th$ i%!ac) o3 in)$"na i5$( o!!"$ssion& Cynthia $i!helle "as born in the late 00<s and !ame to mat rity in the 40<s in an impoverished Afri!an Ameri!an !omm nity in the Deep *o th. :er immediate family "as poor and many did not finish high s!hool be!a se of poverty. *he gre" p in an environment "ith no Afri!an Ameri!an professionals or +la!k :istory !o rses that ta ght her the strengths of her ra!e. $i!helle did not re!eive any information or en!o ragement abo t "hat she "o ld do beyond high s!hool. %n fa!t) her getting o t of high s!hool "itho t being pregnant satisfied her mother<s dreams and her mother "as very pro d of her. After that) she "as on her o"n.

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?ne day) "hen she "as in the 3th or 1th grade) she anno n!ed to her *pee!h tea!her that she "anted to be a Jo rnalist. This respe!ted tea!her told her that her dreams "ere nrealisti! be!a se there "ere not any Afri!an Ameri!an Jo rnalists. +e!a se of her age and her respe!t for her elders) Cynthia never spoke of this dream again. *he did not give p on "riting7 ho"ever) she !ontin ed to "rite poetry and short stories that she never shared "ith anyone be!a se she did not think they "ere any good. That one bit of advi!e from the tea!her sh t this yo ng girl do"n for many years) b t not forever. Fater in high s!hool) her 'nglish tea!her told her that she "as very e=pressive) had a very vivid imagination and "o ld do "ell in !ollege. That planted another seed in her head) so her ne" goal "as to go to !ollege) b t to do "hat) she did not kno". +e!a se of her poverty) la!k of information and reso r!es) and relying on her peers) she did not kno" ho" to even go abo t going to !ollege. The high s!hool Co nselor never !o nseled her abo t her f t re or even a!kno"ledged that she even had a f t re. $ost of the information "as given to !hildren of Prea!hers and Tea!hers be!a se they "ere prod !ts of the respe!ted families in this r ral !omm nity. *in!e Cynthia "as poor) her life !han!es did not ens re her a bright and prospero s f t re d e to her mother<s ed !ational !ompletion of the eighth grade. Cynthia<s referen!e gro p and her mother tho ght she sho ld find a good man) get married and have !hildren. This did not feel right to her and she "anted more. *he dreamed of having bea tif l !lothes) a bea tif l 22

home) b t her mother and her e=tended family tho ght she "as a dreamer. 'vent ally) she finished high s!hool and relo!ated to Te=as. After a series of minim m "age and dead end ,obs) she landed a ,ob "here her boss re!ogni8ed her intelligen!e and en!o raged her to go to !ollege. :er mentor helped her !omplete !ollege appli!ations) finan!ial aid appli!ations and a!t ally took her nder her "ing. Cynthia "as very !yni!al) disbelieving and no matter ho" m !h she "as told abo t her nat ral abilities) she did not believe it. :o"ever) she did not hear abo t her potential "hen she "as very yo ng and she did not even kno" that she had them. %n the ne" environment) she blossomed and ne" opport nities opened p for her. *he still did not kno" ho" to make things happen and no one really ever took the time to mentor her. *he often felt g ilty be!a se she felt she "as not sing "hat nat ral gifts Bod gave her. #ear "as her biggest reason for not getting the things she "anted o t of life. This one spe!ial "oman looked beyond her naivety and sa" her potential greatness. *oon Cynthia started to em late her mentor<s style of spee!h and did not "ant to leave her present ,ob. This "as the first time she learned that she did have skills. :er mentor did not let her settle for this ,ob and en!o raged her to 9 it her ,ob and go to !ollege. T"o !olleges a!!epted Cynthia and she attended the one in her to"n. The first day she "ent on !amp s she felt like an ant in a 24

high ivory to"er. %n the first assembly) she looked at the other st dents and felt that) s rely) they belonged there and) s rely) she did not. Cynthia s rvived that dreadf l first day and started her !lasses. %n her !lasses) she felt so in!onse9 ential that "hen the tea!her asked 9 estions) even tho gh she kne" the ans"ers) she "o ld not speak p be!a se she kne" she "o ld probably be "rong and she feared being "rong and ridi! led. :er only redeeming feat re "as her ability to "rite and e=press herself on paper) so she did "ell on essay tests. 'ven tho gh she made good grades) she never tho ght she deserved them and "o ld often be!ome depressed "hen she got her papers ba!k "ith an HA.I ?ne day a male instr !tor asked her to remain after !lass. :e told her that she "as pretty b t she needed to dress to a!!ent ate her feat res. :e advised her to start "earing shorter dresses) learn ho" to "ear her hair differently) !ome to the front of the !lassroom) stop hiding in the ba!k behind other st dents and to speak p. 'ven tho gh she did not tr st his motives) she did as he s ggested. *he bo ght a stylish "ig) "ent to *ears and p r!hased some p to date !lothing. *he "ore one o tfit timidly on !amp s the follo"ing day. That day "hen she "alked a!ross !amp s) a gro p of yo ng men "histled at her. *he looked aro nd to see if some other girl "alked behind her. To her s rprise) they "ere looking and ga"king at her. This happened more than on!e. *lo"ly her 23

self>!onfiden!e started to rise and for the very first time in her short life) she felt bea tif l. The o tlets Cynthia had "ere reading) playing "ith farm animals) and "riting short stories. There "ere no other !hildren "ho lived !lose to her) therefore) she had to find her o"n type of entertainment. *he loved reading b t her reading !hoi!es "ere the tr e !onfession maga8ines) et!. (hen her family finally p r!hased a se!ond hand television) it be!ame her other o tlet. %n the early fifties) there "ere not many programs on the air and the only images that she sa" of bla!ks "ere negative and stereotypi!al s !h as Amos and Andy) the bla!k person on The Ja!k +enny *ho" and the image of A nt Jemima on the flo r sa!ks. College opened p a ne" reality for her and she met different types of people. %t "as a long time before she !o ld really feel that she belonged in !ollege environment be!a se of the feedba!k she had re!eived from her peers) family) the so!ial milie that she gre" p in and the internali8ation of these negative oppressions. %t "o ld take years to deprogram these embedded tho ghts. :o"ever) "hen she read the ideas of philosophers) theologians) so!ial s!ientists and so!ial "orkers) she "as ama8ed to find that these ed !ated people voi!ed some of her ideas. That gave her a strong sense of empo"erment to kno" that she "as not "eird as some of her peers and family tho ght. *he had a mind and something to say. %t "o ld take a little "hile longer for her to be able to vo!ali8e this. 21

(hat for!es do yo see in this short story; %t demonstrated most of "hat "e have been talking abo t p to this point. +e!a se there "as no n rt ring and s pport provided) no en!o ragement to her dreams7 she delayed them into "ell into her life. *he had no kno"ledge of the a!!omplishments of Afri!an Ameri!ans before her be!a se her high s!hool did not tea!h +la!k :istory. All that she heard abo t being bla!k "as negative. This "as re>enfor!ed by the myths and stereotypes from her ra!e and as "ell as "hites. *he did not personally kno" anyone "ho had made it) so she had to keep b mping her head ntil she finally fo nd her "ay o t of the sha!kles of poverty) ra!ism) e!onomi! deprivation) and se=ism. This !ame to her thro gh ed !ation. The "ider !omm nity per!eived bla!k "omen d ring this time as inferior b t strong and n rt ring to "hite !hildren. These "ere not the roles that she "anted to !laim b t she didn<t kno" ho" to break o t of the !o!oon. *he !ontin ed to dream b t her dreams "ere la ghed at be!a se she "as the !hild of a poor ned !ated single parent. All of these negatives be!ame her master stat s that follo"ed her thro gho t her life. .o matter ho" she tried to move beyond it) it "o ld raise its gly head repeatedly. These dynami!s are not ni9 e to , st +la!k "omen. *o!iety determines the so!ial stat s of "omen in ea!h ! lt re and "hen !o rageo s "omen dare to step o t side of their roles) it is done at great personal and so!ial risks. (hat are the risks; %f yo are the type of person "ho val es being a!!epted and being a part of a 25

bigger gro p) then going against the norms "ill p t yo at odds "ith the gro p and yo might fa!e ridi! le and e=!l sion from the gro p. There "ill !ome a time "hen yo might have to go it alone ntil yo find yo r ne" ni!he. This is a pro!ess and it "ill not !ome over night. $any people end p abandoning their plans to please loved ones and referen!e gro ps. The self>esteem proponents and some religio s leaders make it appear so easy7 many try to make yo believe that all you have to do is believe it and you will achieve it. %t is imperative that yo believe and amass information) b t it is e9 ally important for yo to nderstand that the road to !hange is diffi! lt. That<s "hy so many people don<t take it on. %t is important that yo "ork espe!ially hard at b ilding yo r self> esteem and self>!on!ept. Ao have to believe in yo rself to be able to stand strong and tr e to yo r dreams. 'very one of s is !onne!ted to ea!h other and together "e form a gro p . . . a so!iety. (hen yo !hange) things aro nd yo !hange. *o) if yo are married or in a relationship) it is important to share this ,o rney "ith them7 they may not like it) b t they don<t have to like it) , st a!!ept it. Cynthia event ally made a de!ision to , st ba!k off from high s!hool a!9 aintan!es and friends that she made before she started on her ,o rney and even some e=tended family members. (hen she !ame home from !ollege) often her ned !ated family and high s!hool friends avoided her. *he moved to another level in her 40

,o rney and she 9 i!kly dis!overed that she did not belong in her previo s reality. (hen she "ent aro nd her family) she talked abo t "hat they "anted to talk abo t) and never inter,e!ted any of her opinions or e=perien!es. ?ften they talked to her as if she did not kno" anything. %f she spoke the same lang age as them) she "as admonished for not speaking any better for a !ollege st dent. %f she sed proper 'nglish) she "as admonished for being a kno" it all. *he , st did not seem to fit in any"here. (hen this happens) it is time to stop and take a personal inventory of yo rself. Fook at the !hallenge) disse!t it) and think of all of the "ays this !o ld have happened. %f yo are honest "ith yo rself) most times yo !an tra!e it ba!k to a de!ision that yo made re!ently or far in the ba!k. 'very a!t or de!ision has !onse9 en!es. Cynthia did not tr st herself eno gh to assert her ne"fo nd reality and she still relied too heavily on the approval of others to demand her ne" respe!t. People "ill believe of yo "hat yo tell them or "hat yo lead them to believe. Cynthia made no effort to share her ,o rney "ith others) and they did not see the !hange in her. %nstead) she "ent aro nd for years living t"o different realities often feeling h rt be!a se no one really kne" the real her. Cynthia !ompleted !ollege and event ally entered into professional employment) b t !ontin ed to flo nder aro nd for years in and o t of ,obs) relationships and t"o marriages. The self>!onfiden!e she garnered in her early years did not follo" her thro gh o t the years. *he did not !ontin e her ,o rney on a !ommitted basis) so 4/

she made bad de!isions that led to nhealthy pla!es and dead ends. After not finding the pea!e and !ontentment she so ght) she de!ided to embark pon a ne" ,o rney and that ,o rney took her to ne" heights and e=posed her to ne" people. (hat she fo nd on this ,o rney "as e=!iting in some "ays) fearf l in others) b t ltimately) she fo nd that many of the de!isions that she made "as be!a se of her la!k of information and this made her angry "ith herself. .onetheless) she !ontin ed on her path and event ally she learned ho" to find pea!e d ring the !hallenges in her life. The Jo rney !ontin es. . After reading the foregoing s!enario) think abo t the 9 estions belo". /. Did Cynthia give her family and friends the !han!e to kno" her "hen she hid behind the !omfort 8ones of an earlier reality; 2. Do yo think that Cynthia<s bad de!isions !a sed her to have diffi! lties in her life; (as it her fa lt that she !o ld not make the right de!isions to lead to her s !!ess initially; 3. Can yo identify for!es in her ba!kgro nd that infl en!ed her f t re) after reading the first part of this book; 0. Can yo personally identify "ith aspe!ts of this s!enario; Ma2in' D$cisions 3o" )h$ W"on' R$asons& $ar,orie married a man that she felt in her heart "as not p to her level) b t she "anted to be in a relationship. *he needed a male fig re for her son and she "anted to relo!ate. This man served as a "ay o t for her. *he tho ght that sin!e she "as a ni!e person) it "o ld be all 42

right. :e t rned o t to be a liar) a manip lator) misappropriated some of her money and "as not even that good of a role model for her son. $ar,orie spent many * ndays in Ch r!h praying for him and bemoaning her ltimate betrayal. 'vent ally they divor!ed and she did not leave the marriage "ith the same !redit standing be!a se he ran her !redit !ards p) hid the statements and before she fo nd o t abo t it) they "ere already talking abo t reporting to the !redit b rea . Fooking deeper into this s!enario) "ho do yo think "as at fa lt; Gltimately) $ar,orie<s h sband needed to be responsible for his o"n behavior b t $ar,orie<s de!ision to marry him for the "rong reasons and to tr st him played into her disappointment. :e did not hold a g n to her head and he did not promise that he "as a saint. ?n!e "hen they "ere deep in arg ment) he broke do"n and !ried saying) H(hy did yo marry me any"ay;I This st mped her and then she kne" that) ltimately) he did not !hange. *he did not allo" herself to see "hat "as right there before her eyes) and she did not follo" her o"n instin!ts be!a se the signals "ere there. $ar,orie tho ght that her kindness) her display of tr st and professions of love "o ld transform him. :e did not "ant to transform be!a se he did not think anything "as "rong "ith him. :e tho ght she sho ld !hange be!a se that is "hat a "oman is s pposed to do) right; They both "ere "rong be!a se they did not stop to analy8e their motives. :e "anted an ed !ated and 43

professional "oman. *he had her "ants b t "hat they both "anted "as not !ompatible and they "ere not honest "ith ea!h other in the beginning. $ar,orie "as so !onfident ntil this did not bother her for the short time she had to spend "ith him. *he did not s ffer emotionally b t she did finan!ially be!a se he did not handle money "ell. %n fa!t) on paydays he !o ld not make it home "ith his entire pay!he!k. $ar,orie did not "ant to be the type of "oman "ho met her h sband at his ,ob demanding the pay!he!k. (hat "o ld yo do; $en and "omen mar!h to a different dr mmer and this means that men are en!o raged to mar!h to their o"n t nes "hile "omen are so!iali8ed to s pport them in the ba!kgro nd. (hat happens "hen "omen de!ide to ! t ba!k on this s pport to p rs e their o"n dreams7 an imbalan!e o!! rs and this !a ses !haos in relationships. Ho (in' On To a Pi!$ D"$a%& +etty) 32 years old) "orked for over /0 years to s pport her h sband<s b dding !areer. (hile she stood behind him) she started to feel nf lfilled. 'ven tho gh she "as very kind to her h sband) and did all the things "omen do to make a home r n smoothly& she held do"n a f ll time ,ob) raised the !hildren and made s re the ho se "as 9 iet and in order "hen he !ame home. :er h sband treated her "ith the tmost disrespe!t b t she still h ng in there. Thro gho t his mistreatments) his many affairs) +etty felt that if she loved him more he "o ld see ho" inval able she "as and he "o ld !hange. +etty de!ided to find her 40

o"n destiny and slo"ly she started to !hange. This did not sit "ell "ith her h sband) their relationship f rther deteriorated and they event ally divor!ed. At first) she "as devastated and fearf l be!a se she "as not s re if she !o ld do this by herself. #or t"o years) she blossomed and her self>esteem and !onfiden!e rose to in!redible heights) b t deep in her heart she "anted to keep her family in ta!t. :er family tho ght that she "as !ra8y for leaving a man "ith s !h a good ,ob. *he had material things b t deep in her heart she longed for her family to be ba!k inta!t be!a se this is "hat she learned from her parents "hen she "as gro"ing p. %n fa!t) her family still en!o rages her to try to bring her family ba!k together. Therefore) "hen her h sband started to "ine and dine her) it did not take m !h for him to pers ade her to give him another !han!e. +etty did not tell her family abo t his physi!al and emotional violen!e. They only sa" the pi!t re that they both painted. *oon) +etty started to think that maybe it "as not so bad after all so they remarried abo t one year later. %t did not take long before he started the "omani8ing) verbal ab se) and intimidation7 this time she "as not that afraid of him be!a se she got him in tro ble d ring their first marriage. Therefore) he kne" he !o ld not get a"ay "ith the physi!al ab se b t he !ontin ed the verbal ab se. +etty fo nd and attended a (omen<s * pport Bro p that en!o raged her to set goals) make an a!tion plan and "ork the 42

plan. *he dropped o t of the gro p for a month b t "hen she !ame ba!k to the gro p) she pro dly anno n!ed that she is on the spirit al ,o rney that the gro p leader spoke so m !h abo t. *he said that ntil the gro p !onfronted her "ith the tr th) she never looked inside herself7 she al"ays !ontrib ted all the blame on her h sband. +etty still fa!es !hallenges) b t the greatest !hallenge e=ists "ithin her. %t is very diffi! lt for her to identify her "ants be!a se she never had to think abo t them. *he has !hallenges in problem solving be!a se that) too) "asn<t anything she ever learned to do. (hen !hallenges presented themselves) she , st let them pass. +etty often presents herself as the happy) helpf l person7 b t is finding it very diffi! lt to maintain this image "hile traveling her path. *o) the ,o rney !ontin es.

44

WOR0BOO0 SECTION This se!tion is designed to assist yo "ith yo r self>dis!overy. %f yo "ill take the time to "ork thro gh the e=er!ise) yo "ill noti!e a heightened sense of self>kno"ing and nderstanding. Th$ P$"sona G"ow)h an( D$,$ o!%$n) E6$"cis$s "ill most definitely help yo n!over the hidden messages that yo learned from yo r yo th) the environment) friends) family) broad!ast and printed media. *ome of this information "ill be asto nding) and some "ill hit yo in a negative sense. Please keep in mind that all e=perien!es "ork to make yo a po"erf l and spirit al h man being. R. $s 3o" R$s!onsi# $ G"ow)h& Cery simple reminders of ho" to bring together all of yo r emotional and !ognitive reso r!es. Ao probably already kno" this) b t sometimes seeing them organi8ed differently "ill stim late a !omplete ne" nderstanding. Goa s Wo"2sh$$) is a very po"erf l tool and a very diffi! lt one to do. %ndivid als "ho do this e=er!ise have tro ble listing all of the things they "ant be!a se they don<t kno" "hat they "ant. This is an opport ne time for yo to vis ali8e all of yo r lost dreams) hopes and material !omforts that yo "o ld like to obtain. :ave f n "ith this. Ao !an have anything that yo "ant. Dis)o")$( Thin2in' !an prevent yo from having all of the things that yo vis ali8e. As yo "ork thro gh this list) % am s re yo "ill find e=amples of "ays of thinking that have held yo !aptive) have f n breaking sha!kles of mental bondage. S$ 34$s)$$% E,a .a)ion an( Ti!s )o Boos) S$ 3 Es)$$% are po"erf l tools that "ork together. ?n!e yo have dis!overed) to yo r dismay) that yo may need to "ork on yo r self>esteem after !ompleting the eval ation) yo "ill need tips on boosting it. B$ i$3s an( R$ a)ionshi!s is a fa!t sheet that "ill help yo identify yo r beliefs abo t yo r relationship "ith others. (hat 43

yo believe and "hat yo feel "ill affe!t all of the relationships in yo r life. Wha) is )h$ 7.a i)+ o3 M+ R$ a)ionshi!s/ Ao r beliefs abo t yo r relationships impa!t ho" yo make friends and "hat type of people yo allo" in yo r life. Ao may find that yo are dealing "ith the "rong type of people. Th$ 7.a i)i$s )ha) I wo. ( Li2$ )o D$,$ o! helps yo identify "hat yo "ant and "hat yo e=pe!t from yo rself and "hat yo are "illing to give to others in order to have a balan!ed life. S)$!s a) R$so ,in' An'$" this is a po"erf l fa!t sheet that merely provides yo an idea of spe!ifi! steps to deal "ith yo r anger. %n "orking the vario s e=er!ises) yo perhaps have dis!overed that yo do harbor some deep>seated anger and hostility. Ao !annot obtain the pea!e yo seek ntil the anger is resolved and this is an on>going pro!ess. Do%$s)ic Vio $nc$ In3o"%a)ion* This is an over>vie" of "hat domesti! violen!e is and if yo need more spe!ifi! information) please visit or !all yo r lo!al domesti! violen!e !enter) like the (omen<s Center. This information is important be!a se it sho"s the different types of domesti! violen!e be!a se many people think that it only involves hitting or beating.

41

E6$"cis$s To Assis) In P$"sona G"ow)h An( D$,$ o!%$n) PG@C:A*' A *P%@AF .?T'+??O and take a fe" moments ea!h day to re!ord yo r !omments to the 9 estions belo". (hen yo re!ord in yo r Personal Bro"th Jo rnal) go to a 9 iet pla!e "ith soft m si! in the ba!kgro nd. This is yo r time) g ard it ,ealo sly and allo" yo rself to e=pand. Ao have no limitations.

/.

(hat do yo "ant; $ove thro gh any n!omfortable feeling and "rite do"n e=a!tly "hat yo "ant. +e spe!ifi!. This is the first 9 estion in any sit ation and the basi! one in life. Are yo "illing to have everything yo "ant; This may be one of the most diffi! lt tasks yo !an initially ndertake be!a se many people do not kno" "hat they "ant or ho" even to identify their "ants.

2. Do the follo"ing e=er!ises ntil yo feel restored& Fook at yo r list everyday) vis ali8e yo r possession of them) and tell yo rself that yo !an have "hat yo "ant. +e a"are and !ons!io s of yo r body) yo r feelings) yo r rea!tions and yo r e=perien!e from moment to moment. Pay attention to other people aro nd yo 7 observe them and the s rro nding events. Take the fear and mystery o t of "hat yo dire!tly observe. 45

 Fook at people) sit ations) events) and materials and see them for "hat they a!t ally are) not for "hat yo think they mean or have represented to yo in the past. Tell yo rself and noti!e yo r rea!tion7 HThe "orld % see doesn<t mean anything)I then) H% give meaning to "hat % see.I
3.

(rite do"n all fail res yo have had "ith a bearing on p rposes) goals) "ants) dreams) relationships) et!. *ele!t the p rposes) goals) "ants.

0. @e!laim yo r dreams. %t is never too late to dream. %n fa!t) if yo lose the ability to dream) hope is lost. *pend some time alone and think abo t some of the dreams from yo r yo th. ?f !o rse) yo "ill find that many are no longer important to yo b t there are still some !inders in yo r spirit "aiting to be f eled to a b rst of energy. ?n!e yo have de!ided to do this) mira! lo sly) the "ay "ill !ome. 2. @e!over yo r life by re!overing yo r p rposes) ob,e!tives)intentions) and vision.
4.

%dentify any events in yo r life "herein yo felt stopped) diminished) or po"erless. Did yo as a res lt or in!ident sh t yo rself do"n and de!ide to be less than yo are; Alternatively) did yo de!ide to make others less so they !o ld not overpo"er yo ;

30

3. Fook at "hat it has !ost yo to sh t do"n and reali8e the de!isions yo made as a res lt or sh tting do"n and their impa!t on yo r life.

1. (ho stopped yo ) for!ed yo ) or gave yo s bstit tes for "hat yo really "anted; (hat have yo done to get even) sh t do"n) and get "hat yo "ant; 5. (rite do"n any tho ghts) fears) beliefs) and notions that have to do "ith yo and others having e=a!tly "hat yo Dthey "ant. /0. Close yo r eyes and allo" yo rself to see) sense) feel yo rself in yo r ideal s!ene. *ee yo rself having "hat yo "ant in detail. Allo" yo rself to Hmo!k it pI in yo r imagination) envisioning yo r f t re e=perien!e. $ake it realP Do this on!e or t"i!e a day) as "anted. //. (rite do"n affirmative statements abo t yo r having "hat yo "ant ten times a day for one "eek. %f any do bts) fears) or misgivings !ome forth from yo ) simply "rite them o t in the margin of the page. Then "rite the affirmative statement again and !ontin e. @emember) yo are !reating a fresh) and these affirmations may be diffi! lt to keep at first) b t keep one. /2. Consider a spe!ifi! !onfli!t that yo are presently e=perien!ing. %f yo !o ld !hange it) ho" "o ld yo do so; (hat is keeping yo from having it that "ay; 3/

/3. (hom are yo being loyal to in denying yo rself the life yo "ant; (hat are yo afraid of losing or being negle!ted by; /0. Fist ten "ays that yo hold yo rself ba!k by sing inner !onfli!ts.
a. :o"

do yo !ontrol others by holding yo rself ba!k; has it !ost yo to be at "ar "ith yo rself;

b. (hat

/2. Commit to living as yo !hoose. (hat does yo r heart tell yo that yo "ant; /4. (hom do yo feel failed to help; .ame them. /3. (hom do yo feel yo failed to help; .ame them. /1. Fist everything yo feel g ilty abo t Jin!l de "hat yo "o ldn<t "ant anyone to kno"K /5. .e=t to ea!h g ilt item) "rite do"n "hat yo really are angry abo t) and give yo rself permission to feel anger. Ao r feelings are al"ays appropriate. #orgive yo rself for all of it. 20. ?bserve and "rite do"n the "ays in "hi!h yo evoke g ilt in others) and then tell them so that they are a"are of yo r games and "ill s pport yo in giving p g ilt as a tool of manip lation and domination. 2/. (rite do"n yo r payoffs in sing g ilt on others as "ell as yo rself. ?bserve "hat g ilt !osts. 22. Des!ribe in "riting "hat yo r life "o ld be like "itho t 32

g ilt. %magine a g iltless life. Pi!t re it and allo" yo rself to e=perien!e it. 23. (rite a des!ription of the "ay yo r main relationship appears at this time. Des!ribe the relationship or the la!k of one in as m !h detail as possible. 20. Cis ali8e the male and female relationship as both being yo and let this relationship be!ome a dialog e "ith yo rself bet"een yo r feminine and mas! line energies. :ave them make an agreement to love and take !are of ea!h other. 22. (rite do"n yo r ideal intimate relationship and in!l de everything yo desire this relationship to be. (ithhold nothing) tell the tr th and e=press yo r deepest desires and needs. 24. Fist ten "ays yo deny yo r feminine nat re. Fist ten fears yo have abo t allo"ing yo rself to f lly e=press yo r feminine nat re. Do this e=er!ise for yo r mas! line nat re as "ell. 23. Fist the names of the men of "ho !a sed yo fear and intimidation.. Fist the names of the "omen "hom !a sed yo fear and intimidation. Fook to see if yo have repressed yo r o"n self>e=pression and ho". 21. #ind a safe "ay to e=press and release yo r anger and h rt having to do "ith men and "omen Jsee the e=er!ise on assertivenessK. 33

25. Fist the feminine and mas! line 9 alities that yo are no" e=pressing !omfortably. 30. (hat feelings and emotions do yo find diffi! lt to p ll p o t of yo rself and e=press; Bive yo rself permission to feel and e=press them more often ntil it is nat ral and easy for yo . (hen) "here and "ith "ho do yo find it diffi! lt to ask for "hat yo "ant and do "hat yo feel like doing; @e!all the times in yo r life "hen yo sh t do"n and made a !ons!io s de!ision not to feel or e=press yo r feelings and needs. Bive yo rself permission to open p. Cis ali8e yo rself as a "hole person e=pressing both yo r feminine and mas! line energies f lly and easily "ith yo rself) in yo r relationships) in yo r "ork) and in yo self>e=pressions.

30

R. $s 3o" R$s!onsi# $ G"ow)h /. B$co%$ awa"$ o3 +o."s$ 3& Gltimately this in!l des not , st being a"are of yo r physi!al) and mental self) b t also yo r emotions as "ell even of yo r n!ons!io s drives and motivations. Ask yo rself these 9 estions) "here am % going; %s it getting me "hat % "ant; %f not) "hat is it getting it; 2. Ta2$ "$s!onsi#i i)+ 3o" +o." si).a)ion* This means that yo m st be "illing to a!!ept responsibility for the res lts of yo r behavior. %n other "ords) if yo are not getting "hat yo "ant) it is probably yo r fa lt and only thro gh yo r a!tion Ji.e.) by e=perimenting "ith different behaviorsK are yo to bring abo t different res lts. 3. Choos$ a%on' )h$ a )$"na)i,$s& (hat general things do yo really "ant to "ork on; (hat 9 alities do yo "ant to manifest in yo r life; (hat spe!ifi! behaviors do yo "ant to try o t; 0. Loo2 a) )h$ !ossi# $ a )$"na)i,$s& (hat other !hoi!es of behavior are open to yo ; (hat tentative models are more !onsistent "ith yo r val es; (hat are the likely !onse9 en!es of being more like this or that) of trying on !ertain ne" behavior; (hat is the best thing that !o ld happen; (hat is the "orst thing that !o ld happen; 2. A33i"% +o." ($cision& Gsing the po"er of fantasy and belief) imagine yo rself manifesting this ne" behavior in 32

a variety of sit ations. 4. D$,$ o! a ! an o3 ac)ion& $ap o t in detail the spe!ifi! steps of yo r plan in the order that yo "ill need them. Gse the items listed in yo r goals "orksheet to help yo in developing yo r plan of a!tion. +e very diligent in developing this plan and even more so in sti!king to it. %t may be diffi! lt at first) b t if yo persevere) it "ill pay off. 3. Ac) Now8 At some point) yo m st a!t ally take the risk of Htrying onI the ne" behavior. 1. E,a .a)$ )h$ o.)co%$& 'val ate the res lts of yo r attempts. (hat happened; :o" did yo feel; (ere the res lts "orth it; %f yo are "illing to add this ne" behavior or attit de to yo r repertoire) yo have be!ome e=panded) yo have !hoi!es. Ao have gro"n.

34

Goa s Wo"2sh$$) Fist 20 things that yo "o ld like to a!hieve) a!!omplish) or

a!9 ire d ring yo r lifetime. These things !an be personal) finan!ial) materials) et!. Fist them "itho t regard to "hether yo think yo !an get them. #rom this list) "hi!h ones do yo think yo !an a!!omplish in /0 years) 2 years) 3 years) and one year. Ten year goals& #ive year goals& Three year goals& ?ne year goals& *ele!t the three most important one>year goals& /. Fook at yo r list. (hy are yo r one>year goals important; a. (hat are yo doing no" to "ork on these goals; 2. (hat "ill yo have to do different; (hat habits) attit des) or asso!iations "ill yo have to alter; 3. (hat !an yo do today to start on these goals;

0. Can yo identify individ als "ho !an help yo ; 33

Dis)o")$( Thin2in' $ost bad feelings !ome from distorted thinking /. 2. No)hin' )hin2in'& All of yo look at things in absol te) bla!k>and>"hite !ategories. O,$"'$n$"a i5a)ion* Ao vie" a negative event as a never>ending pattern of defeat. 3. 0. 2. 4. 3. 1. 5. M$n)a Fi )$"* Ao d"ell on negatives and ignore the positives. Disco.n)in' )h$ !osi)i,$s& Ao insist that yo r a!!omplishments or positive 9 alities do not !o nt. J.%!in' )o conc .sions& Ao !on!l de things are bad "itho t any definite eviden!e. Min( "$a(in'& Ao ass me that people are rea!ting negatively to yo . Fo").n$ )$ in'* Ao predi!t that things "ill t rn o t badly. Ma'ni3ica)ion o" %ini%i5a)ion* Ao blo" things "ay o t of proportion or yo shrink their importan!e. E%o)iona "$asonin'* Ao reason from ho" yo feel. H% feel like an idiot) so % m st be one.I H*ho ldI statements& Ao !riti!i8e yo rself or other people "ith Hsho ldI Hsho ldn<tI Hm stsI) Ho ght)I and Hhave tos.I /0. La#$ in'* %nstead of saying) H% made a mistakeI yo tell yo rself) H%<m a ,erkI or Ha loser.I 99& B a%$* Ao blame yo rself for something yo "ere not 31

entirely responsible for) or yo blame other people and overlook "ays that yo !ontrib ted to a problem. %t "as emphasi8ed in the beginning per!eption of events gives meaning "orldvie" or reality. 'vents have themselves) and if yo vie" events "ith feelings "ill evolve. of this book that yo r to yo and form yo r no meaning in and of a distorted vie") negative

The !y!le is tho ghts U evokes feelings U evokes a!tion U evokes habits. Ao !annot find the pea!e yo seek as long as yo r thinking is distorted.

35

F$$ in's #eelings are neither right nor "rong. They , st are. :o" these feelings are e=pressed is a matter of individ al responsibility. Ao are en!o raged to "rite do"n yo r bottled> p feelings !a sed by yo r distorted thinking. To be able to e=press the !ontained feelings is a matter of good mental health.

> %n the above bo=) "rite the feelings yo e=perien!e most often. > Cir!le the feelings yo e=press freely "ith yo r family and friends. > P t a bo= aro nd the remaining feelings. These yo keep bottled inside. > (hat do yo think "o ld happen if yo "ere to e=press any of these feelings to another person;

10

Ch$c2 Yo." S$ 34Es)$$% 4 Ba"2s(a $ S$ 34Es)$$% E,a .a)ion No& :;

JThis is an 'CAFGAT%?.) not a testK This *elf>'steem 'val ation meas res yo r ! rrent level of self> esteem) yo r *elf>'steem %nde= J*'%K) and serves as a ga ge of yo r progress in a!hieving so nd self>esteem. %t is important to !learly nderstand all statements and be !ompletely honest in yo r s!oring if yo are to obtain a valid *'%. %t is essential that yo ans"er these statements a!!ording to ho" yo a!t ally feel or behave) instead of ho" yo think yo Rsho ldR feel or behave. *!ore as follo"s Jea!h s!ore sho"s ho" tr e or the amo nt of time yo believe that statement is tr e for yo K&
0 V not at all tr e for me / V some"hat tr e or tr e only part of the time 2 V fairly tr e or tr e abo t half the time 3 V mainly tr e or tr e most of the time 0 V tr e all the time

*!oring V 0 / 2 3 0
.ot Tr e ...... Tr e 0 0 0 0 1 1 1 1 2 2 2 2 3 3 3 3 4 4 4 4

S$ 34Es)$$% S)a)$%$n)s /. % donQt feel anyone else is better than % am. 2. % am free of shame) blame) and g ilt. 3. % am a happy) !arefree person. 0. % have no need to prove % am as good as or better than others. 1/

2. % do not have a strong need for people to pay attention to me or like "hat % do. 4. Fosing does not pset me or make me feel Rless thanR others. 3. % feel "arm and loving to"ard myself. 1. % do not feel others are better than % am be!a se they !an do things better) have more money) or are more pop lar. 5. % am at ease "ith strangers and make friends easily. /0. % speak p for my o"n ideas) likes) and dislikes. //. % am not h rt by othersQ opinions or attit des. /2. % do not need praise to feel good abo t myself.

0 0 0

1 1 1

2 2 2

3 3 3

4 4 4

0 0

1 1

2 2

3 3

4 4

/3. % feel good abo t othersQ good l !k and "inning. /0. % do not find fa lt "ith my family) friends) or others. /2. % do not feel % m st al"ays please others. /4. % am open and honest) and not afraid of letting people see my real self. /3. % am friendly) tho ghtf l) and genero s to"ard others. 12

0 0

1 1

2 2

3 3

4 4

/1. % do not blame others for my problems and mistakes. /5. % en,oy being alone "ith myself. 20. % a!!ept !ompliments and gifts "itho t feeling n!omfortable or needing to give something in ret rn. 2/. % admit my mistakes and defeats "itho t feeling ashamed or Rless than.R 22. % feel no need to defend "hat % think) say) or do. 23. % do not need others to agree "ith me or tell me %Qm right. . 20. % do not brag abo t myself) "hat % have done) or "hat my family has or does. . 22. % do not feel Rp t do"nR "hen !riti!i8ed by my friends or others. .

0 0

1 1

2 2

3 3

4 4

0 0

1 1

2 2

3 3

4 4

The possible range of yo r *elf>'steem %nde= is from 0 to /00. *o nd self>esteem is indi!ated by an *'% of 52 or more. Bood self> esteem is indi!ated by a s!ore of 50 to 50. '=perien!e sho"s that any s!ore nder 50 is a disadvantage) a s!ore of 32 or less is a serio s handi!ap) and an *'% of 20 or less indi!ates a really !rippling la!k of self>esteem. Ao !an raise yo r self>esteem by "orking the +arksdale *elf>'steem Program. Copyright /530>200/ by Filb rn *. +arksdale) The +arksdale #o ndation) P.?. +o= /13) %dyll"ild) California 52205) G.*.A.) J505K 425>0434 Copyright /554>2002

13

Ti!s To H$ ! Yo. Boos) Yo." S$ 3 Es)$$%

/. A!!ept "ho yo are >> yo r strengths and yo r "eaknesses) yo r feelings and emotions. This doesnQt mean "e donQt have to "ork on things. 2. #orgive yo rself for mistakes) and) instead) see them as opport nities to learn and gro". 3. Take alone time) reg larly) to read) play) garden) "rite... basi!ally to n rt re yo rself. Develop yo r talents and abilities. 0. Tr st yo r tho ghts and int itions. Do "hat makes yo feel 2. happy and f lfilled. 4. Take pride in yo r a!hievements) big and small. 3. *et realisti! goals for yo rself. 1. @epla!e negative self>talk "ith positive) kind) loving statements. (hen something goes "rong) instead of blaming yo rself) that yo m st have done something "rong or that there<s something "rong "ith yo ) learn to a!!ept that it may not have anything to do "ith yo . 5. DonQt depend on others to make yo feel good. Ono" and refle!t on who +o. a"$ in the event of a re,e!tion. /0. '=er!ise) eat right) and get plenty of sleep. +eing e=ha sted and o t of shape !an leave yo feeling more v lnerable to inse! rity) an=iety) and self>dissatisfa!tion. 10

//. * rro nd yo rself "ith positive) healthy people. /2. Bet involved in pro,e!ts "hi!h help other people or the environment& :abitat for : manity) Fitera!y programs) +ig +rothersD+ig *isters. /3. *eek !o nseling or self>helpDs pport gro ps. Ao may find these very helpf l andDor !omforting. /0. $ost importantly) make !ons!io s) healthy !hoi!es. The R!hoi!e to !hooseR is the most important !hoi!e yo "ill ever make. Ma2$ choic$s )ha) $a,$ +o. #$))$" "a)h$" )han wo"s$ o33& $ake !hoi!es that syn!hroni8e yo r beliefs) val es) and a!tions. +e honest. Also) if yo !annot !ontrol !omparing yo rself to others) "hy not try !omparing yo rself "ith +o."s$ 3) instead; Alternatively) ho" abo t fo! sing on only the similarities "ith others; This shift in fo! s !an help yo reali8e that they have imperfe!tions) too) , st like everyone else) and that their fla"s do not refle!t yo r o"n self>"orth or val e as an individ al. ?verall) this self>reali8ation pro!ess Jgetting to kno" yo rself betterK may help yo fig re o t "hat the real problems are behind yo r lo" self>esteem. Ali!e also hopes yo "ill take steps to find assistan!e thro gh s pport gro ps or therapy. Take !are) and be gentle "ith yo rself.

12

B$ i$3s An( R$ a)ionshi!s (hat yo believe abo t yo rself as an individ al affe!ts yo r relationships "ith others. These beliefs g ide yo r intera!tions and determine the depth of intima!y yo "ill risk. I #$ i$,$ in %+ 3a%i +- I a%

I #$ i$,$ in %+ 3"i$n(shi!s- I a%

I #$ i$,$ in %+ wo"2! ac$- I a%

I #$ i$,$ in %+ s!i"i).a "$a %- I a%

I #$ i$,$ in %+ "$ a)ionshi!s- I a%

(hat yo

believe abo t yo rself "ill g ide yo r tho ghts)

feelings) and a!tions in regards to yo rself and others. This in!l des the positive or negative roles relationships play in yo r life. Are the individ als in yo r relationships n rt ring) promoting and !aring or negative) !riti!al and deval ing; 14

Gainin' Insi'h) In)o S$ 34Ta 2 Complete The Gnfinished *tatements +elo"& '=ample& % tell myself % amNNN.honest % tell myself % amNNN.organi,ed % tell myself % amNNN.fat % tell myself % amN. % tell myself % amN % tell myself % am % feel fearf l and sayN. % look at other<s !reativity and sayN % look at my o"n !reativity and sayN % !omplete a diffi! lt task and sayN. % look at my limitations and sayN. % look at my talents and sayN % am !apable of doing. N

13

Wha) Is Th$ 7.a i)+ O3 M+ R$ a)ionshi!s/

Lis) )h$ 9< most signifi!ant relationships that infl en!e yo r life in yo r day>to>day a!tions) in a positive "ay. P ac$ N o" C depending on "hether yo find this relationship most often or Criti!al and deval ing JCK P ac$ M o" R depending No)$ appro=imately ho" on "hether in this relationship yo most pretending to be someone yo are not) or allo" yo r J@K self to !ome for"ard many ho rs per "eek yo spend "ith ea!h person.

n rt ring and positive J.K often "ear a $ask J$K)

11

PERSONAL REFLECTION* Are yo spending 9 ality time "ith people "ho are n rt ring) positive and !aring; Do signifi!ant relationships reinfor!e yo ) and allo" the real yo to be present; Alternatively) are yo spending more time "ith individ als "ho are !riti!al and deval ing) people "ho ask yo to "ear a mask and "ho they "ant yo to be instead of yo r real self;

15

Th$ 7.a i)+ Tha) I Wo. ( Mos) Li2$ To D$,$ o! Is* S$ 3 Ca"$ $y Affirmation is& (hat % Think) #eel) And .eed Are $ost %mportant T? $e SELF4FIRST A!tions % "ill take to a!hieve& /. *ay "hat yo think) feel and don<t be !on!erned abo t ho" someone per!eives yo andDor "hat they do in response. 2. 3. 0. 2. Don<t overe=tend in relationships. Don<t give more than someone is giving. Don<t p t others before yo . Bet rid of andDor set bo ndaries on emotionally and physi!ally to=i! relationships Don<t dis!o nt andDor se!ond g ess yo r o"n tho ghts and feelings. Ao have them for a reason. 4. 3. Don<t let others negatively impa!t yo r life J!areer) a!tivities) dreams) et!K. *et bo ndaries. Don<t ass me responsibility for other people<s problems. Fet them solve their o"n. 1. 5. *et limits on the amo nt of garbage yo listen to. Dream abo t yo r f t re and "hat yo "ant.

/0. Don<t dis!o nt yo r val es and beliefs //. +e *elfish 50

/2K (at!h and believe people<s behaviors vers s their "ords. /3K @o!k the boat if ne!essary /0K 'at "ell7 J4>1 o8. :2?7 e=er!ise 3>2 times a "eek) et!K /2K Don<t enter into one sided relationships andDor relationship "ith individ als "ho do not add to yo r life andDor emotionally and physi!ally navailable. J%.e. not there for yo ) al!oholi!) nemployed) et!. or others "ho yo feel yo have to res! eK. /4K Don<t do things that yo do not "ant to do be!a se someone "ants yo to andDor to infl en!e them et!. /3K Don<t over e=plain and defend yo tho ghts and feelings , st state them. /1K *top being !on!erned abo t "hat others think or say abo t yo . %f they are talking abo t yo they are giving someone else a break. /5K Don<t settle for less than yo "ant.
8ormat for setting goals for 1ife "lan out of 1ife #akeovers by )heryl >ichardson, B&&&, )hapter B.

5/

Basic S)$!s To R$so ,in' An'$" /. )onsider the mistaken attit des and !onvi!tions that predispose s to being e=!essively angry in the first pla!e. 2. ?n!e these mistakes have been !orre!ted) "e "ill be less likely to be!ome e=tremely angry than "e "ere in the past. 3. *dentify fa!tors from yo r !hildhood that prevent yo from e=pressing yo r anger as appropriately as yo other"ise might. #a!tors like fear and denial are impediments to the effe!tive and appropriate management of yo r anger to"ard others. They !an be removed so that yo r s ppressed anger "ill not !ompo nd itself inside yo . 0. 1earn appropriate modes of e=pressing yo r legitimate anger at others so that yo !an begin to !ope more effe!tively "ith anger>provoking sit ations as they arise in yo r personal relationships. 2. Heal the anger "o nds that may have been left by the potentially devastating emotional impa!t of anger. %f "e do not !omplete this mopping p step) "e "ill !ling to the resentment of having been done "rong and "ill !arry the festering resid e of o r anger and rage in o r hearts. ?ne of the most effe!tive means of 52

giving o rselves immediate relief from anger in o r personal relationships is to forgive others. Gltimately) if "e "ant to e=perien!e pea!e) "e m st rid o rselves of resentment) for resentment) it has been said) is the only a!id that eats its o"n !ontainer. +etter to love one<s enemies and do "ell to those "ho hate yo .

53

Do%$s)ic Vio $nc$ In3o"%a)ion (hat is Ab se; Ph+sica > in!l des p shing) shoving) slapping) hitting "ith fist) ki!king) !hoking) grabbing) pin!hing) p lling hair) or threatening "ith "eapons. S$6.a > in!l des for!ed se= "ith the threat of violen!e) se= after violen!e has o!! rred) or the se of ob,e!ts or damaging a!ts "itho t the "omanQs !onsent. Ps+cho o'ica =E%o)iona > in!l des brain"ashing) !ontrol of the "omanQs freedom to !ome and go "hen she !hooses. D$s)".c)ion of property or pets. (hy (omen *tay *it ational #a!tors Econo%ic ($!$n($nc$& :o" !an she s pport herself and the !hildren; F$a" of greater physi!al danger to herself and her !hildren if they try to leave. F$a" of being h nted do"n and s ffering a "orse beating than before. S.",i,a & #ear that her partner "ill follo" her and kill her if she leaves) often based on real threats by her partner. 50

 F$a" of emotional damage to the !hildren. F$a" of losing ! stody of the !hildren) often based on her partnerQs remarks. Lac2 of alternative ho sing7 she has no"here else to go. Lac2 of ,ob skills7 she might not be able to get a ,ob. Socia iso a)ion res lting in la!k of s pport from family and friends. Socia iso a)ion res lting in la!k of information abo t her alternatives. Lac2 o3 .n($"s)an(in' from family) friends) poli!e) ministers) et!. N$'a)i,$ "$s!ons$s from !omm nity) poli!e) !o rts) so!ial "orkers) et!. F$a" of involvement in the !o rt pro!ess7 she may have had bad e=perien!es before. F$a" of the nkno"n. R+etter the devil yo kno" than the devil yo donQt.R F$a" and ambivalen!e over making formidable life !hanges. >Acc$!)a# $ ,io $nc$>& The violen!e es!alates slo"ly over time. Fiving "ith !onstant ab se n mbs the vi!tim so that she is nable to re!ogni8e that she is involved in a set pattern of ab se. Ti$s )o )h$ co%%.ni)+& The !hildren "o ld have to leave their s!hool7 she "o ld have to leave all her 52

friends and neighbors behind) et!. #or some "omen it "o ld be like being in the (itness Prote!tion program>>she !o ld never have any !onta!t "ith her old life. Ti$s to her home and belongings. Fa%i + !"$ss."$? be!a se $om al"ays said) R% told yo it "o ldnQt "ork o t.R or RAo made yo r bed) no" yo sleep in itI. F$a" of her ab ser doing something to get her Jreport her to "elfare) !all her "orkpla!e) et!.K Una# $ )o .s$ "$so."c$s be!a se of ho" they are provided Jlang age problems) disability) homophobia) et!.K Ti%$ needed to plan and prepare to leave. Types of Domesti! Ab se

Ph+sica * slapping) p shing) hitting) ki!king) biting) et!. E%o)iona * name>!alling) p tting do"n) ins lts) et!. S$6.a * being for!ed into se= al !onta!t Th"$a)s& R%f yo ...%Qll kill yo PR In)i%i(a)ion* gest res) looks) smashing things Iso a)ion* being kept from seeing or talking to others) not allo"ed to go o t. 54

Econo%ic* being given an allo"an!e) not allo"ed to have a ,ob.

(arning *igns *ho"s g ilt) ambivalen!e) and fear over living !onditions. #eels isolated and ntr sting of others) even tho gh she may be involved in the !omm nity. %s emotionally and e!onomi!ally dependent. :as a poor self>!on!ept Jthis may not have been tr e +'#?@' the relationshipK. :as observed other "omen in her family being ab sed or may have been ab sed as a !hild. #eels angry) embarrassed) and ashamed. %s fearf l of being insane. :as learned to feel helpless and feels po"erless. :as ne=plained in, ries that may go ntreated. The ab sive man& *ho"s e=treme ,ealo sy and "ants to keep the "oman isolated. :as an inability to !ope "ith stress and sho"s a la!k of imp lse !ontrol. JThis may not ne!essarily appear o tside the homeK

53

Fina Ch$c2 U! Congrat lationsP Ao have "orked yo "ay to the end of this

"orkbook. .o") take a fe" more min tes and !omplete the personal eval ations again. This "ill determine if this book has helped yo . %f yo really "ant to !hange and make yo r life more pea!ef l) reading this book on!e "ill not do the tri!k. #ind time ea!h day to "ork an e=er!ise in this book7 revie" it and really !on!entrate on yo r ans"ers. .o one "ill see this book nless yo sho" it to him or her. %f yo follo" the g idelines in this book) yo r spirit al) personal) and emotional development "ill improve. Ao m st remember that a "ise person kno"s "hen to seek professional help. This book is merely a g ide) not a ! re>all. .othing !an take the pla!e of professional assistan!e. %f yo !annot gain !ontrol of yo r tho ght life by yo rself > there is no shame in seeking help.

51

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