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90 Seconds of Want By Ross Schexnayder Since I have your attention for the next 90 seconds I wanted to say that I just realized no matter what I do up here to show who I am, it isnt about me. Its about you. You, sitting out there, writing and staring, staring and writing, nothing here matters unless its what YOU want. How can you expect me to appeal to everyone in the amount of time it takes to heat up a can of Chef Boyardee? Some of you want me to give you Shakespeare, abridged but obscure, something youve never heard before, like thats going to happen, Oh for a muse of fire that would ascend the brightest heaven of invention, a kingdom for a stage, princes to act and monarchs to behold the swelling scene. Some want me to pull in and make you see my soul with the slightest turn of m y head and a glisten in my eye (Demonstrates). You may be thinking, can she belt? (sing) YES I CAN! What about legit(sing magic flute clich). How about a time step? (does time step) make it a double Sam. (does double time step) Accents anyone? (proper British) Would you like your tea and crumpets in the library Miss Cardew, or (thick Cockney)Good Day there Govnr, could you spare a little kindness for the poor, or (deep Southern) Big Daddy always says that being relations doesnt mean you cant have relations. What human being could possibly show all of that in the time allowed? So while you are staring and writing staring and writing answer me thisdo you want an audition or a bowl of ravioli? Because I guess I could act that too.

Floating in the Air By Ross Schexnayder Im not going to stop this time, Im not. Little old me, who used to sit in the corner, who used to take less than what she wanted, who used to just sit back while everyone else went riding through the clouds; and for the first time it doesnt feel conceited or arrogant orwhatever awful things you used to tell me feeling like this was. I smiled today and it felt wonderful because today it was my smile and no one elses. Today, I can fly too. Are you listening? It doesnt matter if you are because Im going forward from now on. No more set backs, Im alive. Do you hear that world? Im alive! See What Happened Was By Ross Schexnayder It isnt my fault. I can explain why my shoe is missing, why there is a hole in the window, and the nose is missing off your garden gnome. You see my bed is way to close to the window, and well, when you turn off the light, the window becomes a portal to an alternate universe. Not just any universe(looks both ways) an evil universe. Shhhhh, you cant let it hear, it might open up and beevil. And thats how my shoe disappeared, see, an evil monster lurched out of the portal, turned my CD player on and started to do an evil break dance. He made me watch him for two hours, and then, oh its almost too difficult to say, he made me get up with him anddance. He forced me into a malicious kick line, and kept telling me to kick higher. Higherhigherhigher he saidI was about to kick the sky when suddenly, my shoe flew off, bounced off the ceiling fan, ricocheted off my Johnny Depp posterhe is so cuteand then poof, through the glass and did rhinoplasty on the Gnomes nose. The hole in the window caused a disruption in the portal and sucked the monster back through it just before you walked in. You see? Maybe if you had bought me a good window instead of an evil one, this would never have happened. (pause) Grounded? Thats what I thought.

Where Have All The Good Princes Gone? By Ross Schexnayder I have got to be the worst fairy tale princess ever! Those other girls make it look so easy with their sugar and spice and everything nice routineplease. The whole thing is rigged, right from the beginning, and I got the worst part of the deal. For instance: Ariel, Snow White, Rapunzel, Cinderella, and Aurora. Those are award winning namesshows some thought. Their fairy God-mothers were looking out for them on the day they were born; unlike mine who was out with the tooth fairy playing bingo at the Happily Ever After Rest Home. So, I get namedBruenhilda, oh yeah, Bruenhilda from the kingdom of Swampfoot Falls. Snow White lives in the forest with dwarves, Cinderella talks to field mice and birds, Ariel hangs out with a crab and a flounder, while I, in Swampfoot Falls, sit on a lily pad avoiding explosive swamp gas and giant singing mosquitoes that call themselves the Blending Blood Suckers. What half decent prince would ever want to marry a girl who comes from a kingdom that smells something like when a cat vomits up a dill pickle? Ive tried; heaven knows Ive tried everything. I pricked myself on a spinning wheel, but it got infected and I had to get a tetanus shot. I threw my hair out of a tower and a prince started to climb it, but I had a really cheap weave put in andwellit fell out and so did he. I thought about dressing up as a mermaid, but all the Kingdom Costume Shop had left, was a chicken outfit, and I gave up after the third prince who came by laughingly asked me Why did I cross the road? I dont know what Im going to do; dwarves creep me out; Im allergic to seafood; all the fairies are mad at me because I wouldnt clap for Tinkerbelldont ask but she started it; and quite franklypoisonous apples just give me gas. I dont know how Im going to get a prince, if I dont find him soon Ill be the last Bruenhilda of Swampfoot Falls. Tonight my father is sending me to a ball with Prince DexterPrince Dexter of Mucusville. He may sound awful but he snotI mean he is not. Oh dear! I hope he gets me back in time, if he doesnt get me back before midnight, his carriage turns into a giant runny nose with a coldI better bring extra tissues. Why couldnt Ive been born an ogre? At least they like living in a swamp.

The Funny Guy By Ross Schexnayder Why am I always the funny guy? No, really, Im asking. What is it? Yeah I can make a Pratt fall down two flights of stairson my facein high-waterslook easy, I can be the guy who sees a person with their fly open and say well, its cheaper than air conditioning, and so what if every time I laugh its followed by a respiratory outburst (demonstrates by bellowing a large gasp of air), but after all of this I never walk home with someone beautiful on my arm. I constantly watch the guy who says nothing, who does nothing, who probably has a wind-up key somewhere on his body; walk away with the girl of my dreams every time. Its not just that though, its this constant squeezing pressure in the pit of my stomach that everyone is relying on me for some sense of release. They get to live all their lives like little inhuman trolls because at some point theyll cross my path and they can feel better about it because I make them laugh. From this I dont get a day off, Im on 24/7, because if Im not they say whats the matter with him, is he having problems at home. I dont get a day just to be human because Im not, Im that strange species from the planet rubber chicken who slid his way here on a banana peel for the worlds enjoyment. Look, Im not saying its a horrible life, Im just saying thatwellits lonely. And Im tired of being alone, laughing at myself in the mirror. I just wanted to say it; Im tired of being alone. There it is, nowpoint me to the kitchen, my face has a date with a cream pie.

NEON SIGN By Ross Schexnayder I love puzzles. You know when youre little and your parents give you those square puzzles with the huge wooden pieces and the tiny plastic knobs on them, I would just giggle every time they would give them to me. Said my face would light up like a neon sign. (makes face light up with a smile) What makes them so much fun is dumping out all the pieces, finding the edges and watching this mass of nothing but cardboard make a picture. See

what makes puzzles special is that you need every piece. Some of them are square, with fuzzy colors and make up the corners; some of them seem to have no nameable shape at all and fit in the middle; a few have sharp edges and take a lot of work to find their place; and some are round and have beautiful images on them and fit right in without having to try. But no matter what, if one piece is missing the puzzle just wont work. People look at a puzzle and they can never see how it fits together because they only see its differences, but if you flip them over where the colors and shapes arent as recognizable you see them as one piece out to do one thingcomplete the puzzle. Ive always felt its not the picture that is defined by the pieces, but the pieces that are defined by the picture they make. That makes me smile, like a neon sign.

Comfort Man By Ross Schexnayder If I could be a super hero, I think my super hero name would be "Comfort Man." With the power to get comfortable anywhere at anytime. Lets say if I was on a plane and it was about to crash, I would activate my super power and immediately feel my butt cheeks start to relax and my mind drift to frogs hopping to lily pads as the wings peel away and we plummet quickly to the ground. I'd have the ability to crush ice extremely fast so I can make that seven fruit daiquiri before the big game starts. The ability to stop a bead of sweat from falling down my forehead and suck itself back into the pore from which it came. The ability to make a Lazy-boy appear magically for any time I have to wait in line, especially at the DMV, so my bones could rest like a bear in the midst of winter. And most importantly when city hall would come to me to help stop that comet the size of Texas heading for the Gulf of Mexico, I would merely say at least all of our cars will get washed. Yes, I would be Comfort Man. So back ache and time crunching stressors beware, because Comfort Man is on the recline.


Girl One thing I know, is that I LOVE adventures! When I get older I could totally see myself leading a safari in Africa! I would drive one of those Hummers and I would wear one of those awesome safari hats! And who knowsI might have to wrestle a lion or do something even more dangerous! You just waittheyll write a book about me one day!

Girl To me, there is nothing more beautiful than a horse! Especially MY horses! I have five of them you know? They get so excited when I bring them a carrot, or hay, or a sugar cube! I love them all. I really do. But to tell you the truth, my favorite one is Princess. But promise you wont tell the other four!

Girl Sometimes when Im in a big group of people, I feel like everybody has someone to talk to, but I dont. Its hard for me to go up and talk to people I dont know. But waitI really dont KNOW all of you that well-but I am talking to you and Im not nervous! Can you believe it?

Girl Solast night I decided to make a dozen chocolate chip cookies. I was so excited because I was going to bring them today and share them with everyonebut you seeI am addicted to sugarso I tried oneand then fourand before I knew it they were all gone! So does anyone want a peanut butter sandwich?

Girl What do you mean you dont think I can do this part? Just wait a second! Ive been in movies! Do you hear me? Ive acted with some really awesome people and they liked me! I can be dramatic, scared, excited, and serious! Oh, and take a look at this death scene (act out a knife to the heart and die in a funny way)! Sodo I have the part?

Girl Why cant you understand that because I am the oldest I deserve to have what I want! Its hard taking care of all my brothers and sistersI need some relaxation! I need a vacation! I want you to send me to Disneyworld and Id like to stay in Cinderellas castle! That is where we princesses belong, so can you make that happen?

Girl You know? There is nothing better than being onstage! Just up there singing and dancing in front of everyone gives you such a rush! And then when they stand up and clap for you, its better than winning the lottery!

Girl My friends say Im hyper, but really Im just excitedall the time.about EVERYTHING! So if being excited and not being able to stand still means Im hyperwell then I am the most hyper girl in the entire world! Okay well, its been fun talking to you, but I gotta run!!!

Girl Hola! Que Pasa? Okay, why are yall looking at me like that? What? Youve never seen a girl speak Spanish before? I knowI knowIm a little different! But different can be great! And if you think I probably like Mexican foodwell youre right! Im a middle child, so I had to make myself stand out! Well, I gotta go; Im late for Spanish class! Adios amigos!

Girl ShhhCome hereI have a secret to tell you! Ilovetotalk!! I really do! I could stand here and talk for hours about my horses, how I love to play on the computer, how much I love to sing and dance, and how wild I can be! I could really talk and talk from sunrise to sunset and I dont know if I would be able to say all the things I need to say! So...waitwhats happening (pretend to lose your voice)?? I think my voice is going away! This is terrible! Is there a doctor in the house??

Girl Okay, so this last softball game was the best one Ive ever played! Did you see how I got that runner out? Ive never thrown that fast in my life! And when I got up to bat, its like I knew I was going to hit it and hit it hard! I felt this power in my arms that Ive never felt before! All the girls on my team were jumping and cheeringand I was the one who won the game for us! Me! I love this game!

Girl Im not saying I hate being an older sister! I just hate when my little brother takes things that dont belong to him! I love Mike and Ikes candyI had a brand new box but I couldnt find it. So I went searching for it. My brother said he didnt know where it was, but something told me to look in his room anyway. And do you know what I

found?? There in his disgustingly smelly shoe, he had hidden my box of Mike and Ikes! If he thinks Im going to eat them now, hes crazy!

Girl Just because more boys like rodeos and riding horses than girls do, it doesnt mean that we should only play with dolls and dresses! Boys arent the only ones who know how to have fun! I am a true country girl and I love going to rodeos! And one of these days, those same boys that make fun of me now are going to be eating my dust when I beat them in a roping contest! Look out boys!

Girl In my opinion, my dream vacation would be to go Hawaii and swim with the dolphins! I saw this show on the Discovery channel about it! You can actually get in the ocean with your snorkel gear and the trainer lets you grab onto the dorsal fin and you ride! They go so fast through the water and you hold on to the fin with both hands and just ride the waves! That would be the ultimate vacation to me!

Girl Did you know I could fly? No reallyI can! This summer Im going to get in this huge metal thing and Im going to be thrown into the sky and Ill fly! I cant wait! They say that there are these really cool seats you sit it and they bring you something to drink while youre way up in the air! And the coolest thing is that I can use my MP3 player or my computer while Im thousands of miles above the ground! Have you ever heard of anything cooler than that?

Girl This is hardyou knowtalking in front of a crowd. You know how they say if youre scared to just picture everybody without their clothes on. Well that doesnt work for me. I picture everyone being grilled cheese sandwiches and Dr. Peppers. There is no better food or drink in the world! So I know if I pretend all you people are grilled cheese and Dr. Pepper then I could stay up here and talk forever! The only bad thing is, youre all starting to look really tasty!

Girl I would love to come and hang out with you girls today after school, but Im training. What do you mean for what? The Olympics of course! I only have a few years before Im old enough to join the team! Ill be in the Summer Olympics for swimming! You should see how fast I am already. And you just wait; I bet Ill end up being the first woman ever to race against the men! I plan on making history! Ladies and Gentlemen, the gold medal goes to.ME!!!

Girl I dont think of myself as a tomboy at all! I mean, I cant help that Im a girl and I just happen to ride my four wheeler better than any boy I know! Hahaha! But really, when Im on my four-wheeler going fast with the wind in my hair, its just the coolest thing! I can really be myself! Some girls dont really get that. I dont need to be in a dress playing with dolls to be girly. I am just as much a girl going through mud holes and spinning my tires around corners! So if any of you girls dont mind getting dirty, just jump on and lets go!

Girl Since Im an only child, the world is at my fingertips! I dont have to share my time with anyone else. I get to do all the things I want to do. Swimming and softball are two of my favorite things to do. I can do a cannon ball like

youve never seen! And I keep getting better and better at my hitting and throwing. So you want to come swimming this weekend? You have to baby-sit your little sister? Ooohh, thats too bad! Girl I could see myself on TV one day. No, really, I could! Look at this face! This is a TV and movie type of face! I would want to be on a comedy-thats for sure. I could be Hannah Montanas sidekick or I could be a guest star on the Suite Life of Zack and Cody. That would be very cool. Or if I was on Zoey 101 I could be the girl in school whos always on skates. That would be awesomemainly because I love to skate! So make sure you watch, because you might see me on TV soon!

Girl I really need help! You see I am a singer and a writer and Im stuck on this one lyric that Im trying to write. I decided I was going to write a song and send it to the Jonas Brothers and see if they would record it on their next album! So heres the lyric: We have so much fun, your smile is like the sun, you always keep me laughing, until tomorrow______. It's that last word...I can't think of one to rhyme with fun and sun...This is driving me crazy! How will I land a record deal with this writers block? What if this block lasts until tomorrow comes? Wait.waitthats it!!! Until tomorrow comes! Look out Miley Cyrus---here I come!!!

Boy My favorite number is 32! You know why? Thats Shaqs number! Oh yes, Shaquille ONeal! Hes only the best player out there today! And Im going to be just like him! Did you know hes 7 feet tall? Right now Im about 4 feet tall, so that means I only have to grow 3 more feet. I heard that if you hang upside down from the monkey bars for an hour, you can grow taller! And he can hold an entire basket ball with one hand. Ive been doing hand stretches every night to make mine big! And his feet are huge! I can put both my feet into one of his shoes! I figured out that if a can get my friends dog to put my foot in its mouth and pull, my feet will get longer! Okay well I gotta goI got a meeting with a dog!

Boy The Jonas Brothers have nothing on me! I dont even think they play their own instruments. I play electric bass and Im actually pretty good. Im starting my own band. Im trying out names for us. I think those guys in the Naked Brothers Band have a stupid name. Im thinking of Fish and Chips or The Deodorants or The Paper Cuts! What do you think? Im kinda leaning towards The Deodorants only because some of the guys who want to be in the band could use some deodorant if you know what I mean??!! So are you gonna come and hear us?

Boy I am what you call the big man on campus! I have tons of friends and Im the one who has the parties! Mostly pool partiesI have a pool at my house. When the guys come over, well have cannonball contests and one time I made such a big splash that the wave hit my friend who was standing by the pool and it made him fall in. He didnt even have a swimsuit on! So his clothes were soakedit was awesome! So Im thinking of having a party this weekend. Wanna come?

Boy I am into crazy stunts. I dont mean little stunts or kid stuff. I mean EXTREME stunts. I like jumping off high stuff and slamming into the ground! People say they think I should be a stunt man and be on movies. That would be awesome! I could be Spidermans stunt double and when the real actor guy doesnt want to jump off the buildings, then I would do it for him. They would put me in this harness with a wire hooked up to me and I would

jump from 20 stories high and land on this big blown up cushion thing that would keep me from hitting the ground. That would look awesome in a movieand it would all be me! Methe EXTREME STUNTS MAN! Boy Cheeseburger! Just that word makes my stomach growl! Cheeeesebuuurger!! That is my favorite food. Now I dont want just any cheeseburgerI only want the ones from McDonaldsthey are the best! Just think, when I turn 16 I can get a job working there and I could eat one every day! And then I could become manager and then I could end up owning the whole company and Ill be so rich that I can eat cheeseburgers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the rest of my life! By the way, how much longer do I have to be here? Because Im hungry!!

Boy Sometimes after school, I like to go in my backyard and shoot things! I have this fence where I can sit stuff on and I use them as targets! I can knock a bottle off the fence with one shot and Ill be standing 40 feet away! Im that good! When I get older Im thinking about playing paint ball on a team. With my shooting skills, I could easily take out the other teams! Im that good!

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