THE MOTIONLESS TRIP SPIRAL STUDY ON SUICIDE MURMURANTE TEATRO/JORGE VARGAS

Directed by: Jorge Vargas Co-directed by: Juan de Dios Rath Executive producer: Ariadna Medina Text by: Jorge Vargas and Murmurante Teatro

English translation by: Fer de la Cruz

Nota del traductor: Los puntos suspensivos entre parntesis cuadrados [] indican la ubicacin de las acotaciones en el texto original, omitidas de esta traduccin. Translators note: The ellipsis between square brackets [] indicate the position of stage directions in the original text, deleted from this translation. She: [] I feel sad. I see the future bringing no hope; I know that things will not improve. Nothing matters to me, nothing. Nothing satisfies me. I no longer know where to look. I am tired of looking in the crowd for someone to give me a hand; someone who understands the pain that I feel for what I am going through. I am tired of looking at the stars, trying to predict the past and change the world; of trying to leave an imprint more permanent than myself. I am suicidal. I have tried it several times. There is some strange and restless recess before the last and definite attempt.

1. A DEEP WELL

He: [] In this part of the play, a scuba diver would share his experiences in cenote sinkholes. I will recreate the experience and go down with you into the depths of a Yucatecan cenote. The sensation is like that of free falling. Its a fall that lasts about thirty minutes. Once inside the cenote, despair will come, along with great loneliness which you start to control by feeling your breathing. This connects you with yourself. You may experience it by simply shutting your ears with your palms and breathing deeply. [] Inside the cenote is completely dark and the only visual reference is the water mirror up above, turning smaller and smaller [] until you have the feeling that you wont fit through it when you try to reach the surface. It is when you turn on your light that you get to see part of the walls. In some caves there are incrustations of quarts which reflect the passing light, giving you the sensation of floating in outer space among shining stars. Cave diving is something I had never experienced and I wanted to, even when something can go very wrong down there if you dont take care of yourself and if you dont watch every step of the ascent carefully. By the effect of decompression, the air your breath can make your veins explode. Besides, one feels completely alone down there.

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2. THIS IS NOT A WORLD

[] She: Never again will I have faith because this is not a world I want to live in. I am going to die. I have nothing to say about me. In any case, it all consists on knowing that nothing makes sense because I am going to die. I have never felt truly alive. Instead, I have even felt completely inert. Most of the things that happen in my life seem so alien. It is as if everything went at a different speed than mine. I crave to crave for something, for anything. I am tired of so much continuous defeat. Not even pain The strongest feeling one can perceive is that of nothingness, of being nowhere or absent. That, to me, is being alive. Generally all is silent. And I remain silent. No noise; just this: an indefinite silence as if everywhere. One just has to go out and walk the streets, bearing a gesture of defeat between the eyebrows, as a flame extinguished. I wish someone would scream or at least say something. It doesnt happen. Everyones defeated in this torrid city; in this swampy atmosphere. The only honest people are those drunks leaving the cantinas in the evening. One sees nothingness everywhere. Some might think the opposite, in vain. Im sure theyll often bite their tongue to pretend theyre alive. To die, most are too coward. Its best to hold on a bit. Something can still happen. Does anybody want to say something? []

3. THE HOUNDS
[] He: [] Why did you cut your arm? She: Because it is a wonderful sensation. Because the sensation is amazing. He: And dont you think you may be sick? She: No He: I do. Its not your fault but you must be responsible of your own acts. Please, dont do it again. What happened to your arm? She: I cut it.

He: That means that youre seeking attention in quite an immature way. Did it make you feel any better? She: No. He: Did it release any tension? She: No. He: Did it relieve anything? [] Did it relieve anything? She: No. He: Then, I dont understand why you did it. She: Then, ask. He: Did tension go away? [] May I look? She: No. He: I would like to, to see if its infected. She: No. [] He: I feared you would do this. Many people do it. It releases tension. She: Did you ever do it? He: She: You didnt. Too sane and prudent. I dont know where the fuck you might have read it but it doesnt release any tension. [] Why dont you ask me why? Why did I cut my arm? He: Would you like to tell me? She: Yes. He: Then, tell me. She: Then, ask. Why? Why did I do it? []

4. FIVE SPIRALS
She: This morning, as I dozed, I dreamed that I was on the edge of the origin; that I was standing on the brink of the abyss where everything started, and that I was looking at the creation of chaos. It was a lucid instant before the endless night. []

She: Everything was getting slower in the dream: The planets, the particles, the cars, music A DJ was slowing everything. It wasnt immobility but a total slowness instead.

[] Everything created suction. The universe creates suction and disintegrates, becoming cold and dead. One day the moon will fall on EarthI heard it onceby gravity. It is because Earth creates suction and the moon loses impulse. [] My father doesnt have much impulse of his own either. He rotates around my mother. [] So I was standing by the abyss where everything started. [] I had a night in which all was revealed to me. I will die. What else can I say? []

5. ONLY DESTRUCTION IS PERMANENT

[] He: What are you thinking of doing with your life? Do you have a plan? She: Cutting my wrists, overdosing, and then hanging. He: All together? She: Yes. That way there wont be any doubt that I want to kill myself. She: I am your faithful convert; your work converted into sanity, into the goal of leaving obstacles behind, to enhance my self esteem by practicing my talents. He: To overcome the opposition. She: To have control and influence on others. He: To defend yourself. She: To defend my psychological space. He: To vindicate the self. She: To be seen and heard; to excite, to surprise, to fascinate, to impress, to intrigue, to amuse He: To entertain or seduce others, to break free of social restrictions. She: To resist pressure. He: To be independent and to act driven by desire. She: To defy conversion. He: To avoid pain. She: To avoid shame. He: To erase past humiliation with action retaken. She: To maintain self respect. He: To suppress fear.

She: To overcome weakness. He: To belong. She: To be accepted. [] He: [] To get close and to create an enjoyable link with another. [] She: To chat in friendly ways, to tell stories, to exchange feelings, ideas, secrets. [] To communicate, to chat [] To laugh, to joke, to win the affection of a desired other, to remain loyal ant to enjoy sensual experiences with that other one, ignited. He: To feed, help, protect, console... She: Condoled, supported, assisted, cured To create an enjoyable, lasting, cooperative, and reciprocal relationship with another. He: With a fellow being. She: To be forgiven, to be loved, to be free. [] The only permanence is destruction. We will all disappear. I, as a person, am a total failure.

6. GLOOMY SUNDAY
[] She: I dont imagine, clearly, that only one soul can He: You can She: Could He: You could She: Should He: You should She: Or is going to He: Or youre going to She: And, if I did He: And if you did She: I dont believe, clearly He: I dont believe, aside from She: That another soul He: Your soul She: A soul like mine He: Do you know what you are doing?

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She: Zero hope, zero hope, zero hope, zero hope, zero hope, zero hope, zero hope. [] She: I dont imagine, clearly, that only one soul can, could, should, or is going to and, if I did, I dont believe, clearly, that another soul, a soul like mine

She: I always loved you even when I hated you [] She: Here I am and over there is my body dancing on glass. I had never killed myself so dont bother to look for precedents.

7. ONE DAY THE MOON WILL FALL ON EARTH

[] One day the moon will fall on EarthI heard it onceby gravity. It is because Earth creates suction and the moon loses impulse. [] My father doesnt have much of an impulse anymore. He rotates around my mother. [] They dont know anything. I always did what I wanted. [] I dont know what this might really mean but it seems quite to the point. [] I am sad. There isnt one single drug on Earth to give life some sense. Its OK. Lets get rid of everything. Lets go get the drugs, a chemical lobotomy Lets turn off the higher functions of my brain and maybe well become more capable of living.

8. WHERE WILL WE FIND THE STRENGHTH TO LIVE?

[] He: What are you thinking of doing with your life? Do you have a plan? She: Cutting my wrists, overdosing, and then hanging. He: All together? She: Yes. That way there wont be any doubt that I want to kill myself. He: It wouldnt work. The overdose would make you sleepy and you wouldnt have the strength to cut your wrists. [] She: I would already be standing on a chair with a rope around my neck. [] He: If you were alone, do you think you could harm yourself? She: It terrifies me to know that I could. He: And would that be a way of protecting you? She: Yes. It is terror what keeps me away from the railroad tracks. I just hope to God that death be the end. I feel as if I were eighty years old. I am sick of living and my mind wants to die. He: That is a metaphor, not reality. She: Its a simile. He: It is not reality. She: It is not a metaphor; its a simile and, even if it werent, what defines a metaphor is that its real. [] He: You are not eighty years old. [] Or, are you? Are you? [] She: Do you despise every unhappy person or only me in particular? He: I dont despise you. Its not your fault. Youre ill. She: I dont feel ill. He: You dont? She: No. Im depressed. Depression is anger, is what you did, who was there, who you blame. He: And who do you blame? She: I blame myself. [] No. Its not your fault. Its not your fault is the only thing I hear. Its not your fault; its a decease. The fault isnt yours. I know its not my fault but after hearing it so much I start to believe that it is. Its not your fault, I know, but you allow it, dont you? You allow this state of despair. You allow it. I wont be able to think, I wont be able to work. Nothing will interfere with my job more than suicide. [] I dreamed of something stupid: I dreamed that I went to see the doctor who gave me eight minutes to live. Eight minutes, after having spent two hours in that shitty waiting room.

9. NOTHING REAL HAPPENS HERE

She: Shit! Shit! Shit! For rejecting me and never being there, shit! For making me feel like Im shit. Shit! For bleeding off me all the love and life that I had. Shit! Every single day with its shit. Everything is shit. My father is shit for turning my life forever into shit. My mother is shit for not getting her shit out of there and leaving him. But especially God is shit for making me love a person who doesnt exist. The planets are shit; the universe is shit because I am more alive than I am dead. Shit! Shit! Shit! [] Nothing real happens here.

10. TEN SECONDS

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She: Although itll take me ten second to die, that is already too much time, even when you no longer care for anything. I know one day I told you that I would no longer attempt against my life. My body no longer had a soul. It was only a cold body without any goals or anything. I dreamed of being someone that I wasnt. You have no idea of the countless times that I would die to tell you that I loved you. What I hated the most about my life was to have such as small soul. Today, at last, this body will be mine forever. Theres no one to blame here. You have to stay here because youre strong. Please stay. I lived always full of dreams. That was the first mistake: to live only of dreams. You have no idea of how much I hate sex. It disgusts me. I never wished you wrong even when I said, at one point, that not even dead I would forgive you. I lived always full of fear for everything. There wont be anything like that anymore. Well, I think its time to say good bye. Im very nervous but happy at the same time because this body will be forever mine, and my soul will at last come back to me. Ill no longer feel hate or anything. I wont feel anything. It is quite an eternity the ten seconds it will take me to die.

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THE SKY REFLECTED

He: It is suicidal. Those who knew the diver would always tell him that diving in a cenote was itself so dangerous that it was suicidal. He somehow would admit it. It is a suicidal act but it isnt a suicidal impulse what drowns me into a cenote. Its an impulse of life. Its the need of feeling in complete contact with myself, with my breathing, with the pulse of my blood, with the sensation of my life depending only of what I do or stop doing. There are times in which being down there is so fascinating that I forget about time and that I only have eight minutes of life. Eight minutes that I must reserve to be able to exit the cenote in a safe manner. It has happened that I look at my watch and I only have six or five minutes left, and I know I have to surface in no rush, even as I taste the rust of when there is no more air in the tank. In this way, surrounded by the night that is trapped in the bottom of a cenote, you return, slowly, zigzagging in the ascent, and the tiny light that is the opening grows, becoming a gigantic disk of light that covers everything. Then you know yourself to be safe. You have emerged from the cenote to reencounter yourself with light, air, and transparency. You never think that dying is your purpose but rather to go back to life: to the intense life of the origin.

12. THE TALE OF THE LEMMINGS

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She: The idea of birth control has been developing since the 1950s and was popularized in the 60s after the invention of the pill. In 1958, Walt Disney produced White Wilderness, a documentary about animal life where lemmings are featured. Lemmings are rodents who live on the Artic prairies of Europe and Asia. They have a thick fur to withstand the low temperatures. Their size can reach about 6 inches. Their birth rates are very high so they have to migrate, going through rivers and lakesthey are good swimmersin search of food and land. Disney took the lemmings migratory habits to create a myth: the myth of the collective

suicide of an overpopulated community which enters a state of psychosis and run to a cliff to throw itself to the sea. Lemmings do this as they confuse the sea with a river, and they perish from exhaustion. Twenty four years later, a Canadian magazine published an article which states that Disneys documentary is tricked, since filming location did not correspond to the lemmings natural habitat. Furthermore, the article accused the filmmakers of animal abuse, for forcing the group of lemmings to fall off a cliff and die. How much of what we know of our conduct is real? Ever since Disneys documentary, a suicidal nature has been attributed to lemmings. Do we have to believe everything we are told? Disneys deception was awarded an Oscar and a Golden Berlin Bear for best documentary. Is suicide real? Does it exist in nature? Does it behave as genetic programming? Is it contagious? In the case of lemmings, the answer is no. In Lithuania, 80 of every 100,000 people commit suicide per year. In Japan there are 82 suicides daily; this is, some 30,000 per year. In the Yucatan Penninsula, someone every 48 hours decides to commit suicide. It is generally a male between 18 and 34 years of age, alcoholic, and with at least one Mayan last name. Is suicide a social creation? If it is, who has not imagined her/his own suicide? []