FEATURE

Couples are slowly waking up to the fact today that their own relationships have to be nurtured as much as caring for their children. Saras Bhaskar, counselling psychologist and coach says that ninety per cent of the couples she counsels put children ahead of their marriage. Husbands get caught up in their careers, providing material comforts for the family. Wives meanwhile assume the role of homemakers and mothers to the exclusion of everything else. They end up living under the same roof as strangers. Couples lack clarity about balancing their roles. It is necessary for a husband to focus on his career. But, he has equal responsibility to play out his roles as a husband and a father. The same goes for his spouse. It does take great courage to put marriage on an equal footing with children, Saras admits. Once the children are born couples do not want to behave like newlyweds nor feel the necessity to be romantic. Do we always have to conclude that time for each other means romance? she asks. Time for each other could mean anything from sharing activities, exchanging viewpoints about a movie, book or events. Developing an interest in a partners passion adds meaning to the relationship. Romance follows naturally when you have this stable and consistent interpersonal relationship, she says. In this scenario, sex too plays a big role in keeping the marriage alive. According to psychiatrist Dr Hema Tharoor, intimacy and sex should not end once the children are born. If your spouse is not interested in you then it might be good to introspect if lack of sex is causing the emotional distance. The need and frequency for physical intimacy may vary over the years, but

Romancing SPOUSE
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Parents are increasingly realising the importance of setting aside 'couple' time in their busy schedules to keep the spark alive in their marriage, says KAVITHA SHANMUGAM
It is not just teenagers who date. Homemaker Preeti Thomas, a hands-on mother of three boys and her busy real estate entrepreneur husband often go on dates together. Married for twenty years, Preeti often reschedules gym workouts and Thomas his meetings, to grab a quick coffee together, to go for a walk on the beach or to catch the morning show at the local cinema. This is our time together, when we escape our roles as parents, as a boss or daughter or son and see the world as a couple, says Preeti. Both are extremely conscious about bonding with one another, despite pressing work. Says Preeti, If we do not communicate with each other now, we are bound to end up as strangers at 50. The best part of our lives will be over. We wont have good memories to share.

Devina with her family

A 37-year-old entrepreneur Devina Hemdev, married for 12 years and a mother of two, ensures she gets bonding time with her husband despite their heavy work schedules. We go on holidays and out to dinners regularly just to nurture our couple equation. We do whatever it takes to stay on track, she says. Staying constantly connected with the spouse is very important according to her, as people change with age.

WHEN YOU MARRY IT IS FOREVER!

Married for 21 years, N Mohanakrishnan and homemaker Radha, who are in their late forties, remain inseparable. There are usually a thousand reasons for couples to drift, but in their case, there is only one to stay together - love. "You dont need to recharge or renew marital love. When you marry, it is forever," says Mohanakrishnan. He is the last person to crack silly wife jokes in office. My best friends are my wife and children, he says.
Radha and Mohanakrishnan His secure and happy marriage did not happen overnight, he admits. It was a bond nurtured with time. Initially, both made compromises. His wife had to adjust to living in a joint family. I admired her for the respect she gave my family. I felt bound to behave in a similar manner, he says.

Values are equally important. When Mohanakrishnan learnt that Radha had brought home his sick grandmother and nursed her, he was proud of her. Radha has her own reasons to bond with her husband. Small acts of kindness reflect his concern for her. For instance, his encouragement in her pursuit of higher education pleased her. Both give each other space to follow their individual passions. He is a movie buff and she a Carnatic music rasika. This loving bond between the parents has rubbed off on their children. They are also extremely friendly and well-adjusted. My sons love the atmosphere at home and invite their friends over. They introduce us with pride, says Mohanakrishnan. The circle is complete with this happy family.
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it should not be ignored," she says. Commitment and communication are important factors which keep the marital spark alive. "If these two elements are in place, the next step is to spend time together," says Preeti. Rashmee Ram, homemaker and mother of two, does not consciously work at her six-year-old marriage. She religiously follows one routine, though. However late her husband comes back from work, she makes it a point to wait and have dinner with him. "Our conversations together at night reassure me that he is still a part of my life. We have no time for romantic frills such as candle-light dinners or cosy music sessions," she adds. Other acts help. When Rashmee cared for her mother-in-law suffering from cancer, she grew several notches in her husbands love. "Where there is understanding, external triggers are not needed to keep love alive," she says. At the end of the day, marriage is always "work in progress", says Dr Hema. Couples have to realise that they need to work hard to find ways to keep the love meters ticking and reach a stage of total harmony.

POINTERS TO KEEP THE SPARK ALIVE

Commitment, communication and respect Do not take your spouse for granted Take short vacations together Express or display your affection and regard Make the effort to have a cordial relationship with the spouses family Do not magnify small faults Accept the person as he/she is Provide space for each other to grow

Rashmee with her family

EXPERT SPEAK

NURTURE MARRIAGE AND CHILDREN AT THE SAME TIME

The children of emotionally bonded parents are usually happy and well-adjusted. The post-children era for parents will be smooth if they have nurtured their couple relationship. Good parenting is not about putting our children or our marriage first. It is about nurturing both daily. Our children will grow up and leave before you know it. What will they leave behind: an empty nest or a couple of lovebirds? The choice is yours.

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Saras Bhaskar

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