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# iteslj.

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1. Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog. For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs. For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs. For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. owe!er, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg. "s a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after ha!ing three legs cut off. #. \$hat is the longest word in the %nglish language& S'()%S* there is a mile between the first and last letters+, -. Teacher* 'aria please point to "merica on the map. 'aria* This is it. Teacher* \$ell done. .ow class, who found "merica& /lass* 'aria did. 0. " Scotsman who was dri!ing home one night, ran into a car dri!en by an %nglishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologi1e and offered the %nglishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The %nglishman was glad to ha!e a drink. ,2o on,, said the Scot, ,ha!e another drink., The %nglishman drank gratefully. ,3ut don't you want one, too&, he asked the Scotsman. ,4erhaps,, replied the Scotsman, ,after the police ha!e gone., 5. "* "ren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger& 3* 6es ( am, ( married the wrong woman. 7. " man was pulled o!er for dri!ing too fast, e!en though he thought he was dri!ing just fine. 8. 9fficer* 6ou were speeding. 'an* .o, ( wasn't. 9fficer* 6es, you were. ('m gi!ing you a ticket. 'an* 3ut ( wasn't speeding. 9fficer* Tell that to the judge+ :The officer gi!es man the ticket.; 'an* \$ould ( get another ticket if ( called you a jerk& 9fficer* 6es, you would. 'an* \$hat if ( just thought that you were&

9fficer* ( can't gi!e you a ticket for what you think. 'an* Fine, ( think you're a jerk+ <. \$hat are the three =uickest ways of spreading a rumour :or gossip;. Telegram Telephone Tell a woman 4erhaps not !ery politically correct in the times we li!e in, but worth a slight chuckle. >. %?(T9@'S .9T%* 'aybe you could teach your students the phrase ,politically correct, and discuss it. (f you gi!e a man a fish, he eats for a day. (f you teach a man to fish, he can always eat. (f you gi!e a man a fire, he's warm for a day. (f you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life. 1A. "* ?id you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week. 3* That's impossible. \$hose baby& "* "n elephant's. 11. ,"m ( the first man you ha!e e!er lo!ed&, he said. ,9f course,, she answered ,\$hy do men always ask the same =uestion&,. 1#. \$hen ( was young ( didn't like going to weddings. 'y grandmother would tell me, ,6ou're next, owe!er, she stopped doing that after ( started saying the same thing to her at funerals. 1-. "* ('m in a big trouble+ 3* \$hy is that& "* ( saw a mouse in my house+ 3* 9h, well, all you need to do is use a trap. "* ( don't ha!e one. 3* \$ell then, buy one. "* /an't afford one. 3* ( can gi!e you mine if you want. "* That sounds good. 3* "ll you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap. "* ( don't ha!e any cheese. 3* 9kay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap. "* ( don't ha!e oil. 3* \$ell, then put only a small piece of bread. "* ( don't ha!e bread. 3* Then what is the mouse doing at your house&+ 10. " !ery drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another !ery drunk man.

e looks up in the sky and says, ,(s that the sun or the moon&, The other drunk man answers, ,( don't know. ('m a stranger here myself., 15. " man is talking to 2od. The man* ,2od, how long is a million years&, 2od* ,To me, it's about a minute., The man* ,2od, how much is a million dollars&, 2od* ,To me it's a penny., The man* ,2od, may ( ha!e a penny&, 2od* ,\$ait a minute., 17. Fred is -# years old and he is still single. 9ne day a friend asked, ,\$hy aren't you married& /an't you find a woman who will be a good wife&, Fred replied, ,"ctually, ('!e found many women ( wanted to marry, but when ( bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them., is friend thinks for a moment and says, ,('!e got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother., " few months later they meet again and his friend says, ,?id you find the perfect girl& ?id your mother like her&, \$ith a frown on his face, Fred answers, ,6es, ( found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. 6ou were right, my mother liked her !ery much., The friend said, ,Then what's the problem&, Fred replied, ,'y father doesn't like her., "n elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school. ,(f you promise not to belie!e e!erything your child says happens at school, ( will promise not to belie!e e!erything your child says happens at home. 18 "* ?octor, will ( be able to play the piano after the operation& 3* 6es, of course. "* 2reat+ ( ne!er could before+ 1<. \$hy couldn't /inderella be a good soccer player& She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin. :@e=uires basic knowledge of the /inderella story and that both ball and coach ha!e double meanings.; Submitted by* Billian . Teacher* Tell me a sentence that starts with an ,(,.

Student* ( is the... Teacher* Stop+ .e!er put 'is' after an ,(,. "lways put 'am' after an ,(,. Student* 9C. ( am the ninth letter of the alphabet. 1>. Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, ,( can make the boss gi!e me the day off., The man replies, ,"nd how would you do that&, The woman says, ,Bust wait and see., She then hangs upsideDdown from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, ,\$hat are you doing&, The woman replies, ,('m a light bulb., The boss then says, ,6ou'!e been working so much that you'!e gone cra1y. ( think you need to take the day off., The man starts to follow her and the boss says, ,\$here are you going&, The man says, ,('m going home, too. ( can't work in the dark., #A.Two cows are standing in a field. 9ne says to the other ,"re you worried about 'ad /ow ?isease&, The other one says ,.o, (t doesn't worry me, ('m a horse+, #1. Teacher* ow can we get some clean water& Student* 3ring the water from the ri!er and wash it. ##. E. \$hat do you call a ginger bread man with one leg& ". )imp 3i1kit. :limp biscuit; :"lternate* \$hat do the 3ritish call a cookie that got wet&; #-. :(f you don't know what )imp 3i1kit is, see the results of a 2oogle search for )imp 3i1kit.; " guy says to his friend, ,2uess how many coins ( ha!e in my pocket., The friends says, ,(f ( guess right, will you gi!e me one of them&, The first guys says, ,(f you guess right, ('ll gi!e you both of them+, #0. This is a good one to follow the following pre!iously submitted joke. "* \$hat do you call a deer with no eyes& 3* .o idea. :.o %ye ?eer.; "* \$hat do you call a dead deer with no eyes& 3* Still no idea. "* 'eet my new born brother. 3* 9h, he is so handsome+ \$hat's his name& "* ( don't know. ( can't understand a word he says. #5. E* \$hen does the :%nglish; alphabet ha!e only #5 letters& "* "t /hristmas time, because it is the time of .oel. :.o );

#7. E* \$hat starts with %, ends with % and only has one letter& "* "n en!elope. E* (f you drop a white hat into the @ed Sea, what does it become& "* \$et. E* \$hat do you call a boomerang that won't come back& "* " stick. E* \$here do you find giant snails& "* 9n the ends of their fingers. :2iants' nails.; E* \$hat tra!els around the world and stays in a corner& "* " stamp. E* \$hat is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean& "* " blackboard. These need to be written. E* \$hat do you call a pig with three eyes& "* " piiig. E* \$hat goes 9h, 9h, 9h& "* Santa /laus walking backwards. E* \$hat do elephants ha!e that no other animal has& "* 3aby elephants. ?epending on where you li!e, students will enjoy this one. E* \$hat do you call a hippie's wife& "* 'ississippi. E* \$hat did the ocean say to the beach& "* .othing, it just wa!ed+ Submitted by* %ric Stein The First - 6ears of 'arriage (n the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. (n the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. (n the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. " man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds* ,\$ife wanted,. The next day he recei!ed a hundred letters. They all said the same thing* ,6ou can ha!e mine., )o!e is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. E* \$hat happens when ,you, and ,(, are gone& "* 9nly #0 letters are left. :youFthe letter ,u, and ( the letter ,i,.; Submitted by* 'aria Germani @iddles of "lphabet E* \$hat letter of the alphabet is an insect& "* 3. :bee; E* \$hat letter is a part of the head& "* (. :eye;

E* \$hat letter is a drink& "* T. :tea; E* \$hat letter is a body of water& "* /. :sea; E* \$hat letter is a pronoun like ,you,& "* The letter , ( , E* \$hat letter is a !egetable& "* 4. :pea; E* \$hat letter is an exclamation& "* 9. :oh+; E* \$hat letter is a %uropean bird& "* B. :Bay; E* \$hat letter is looking for causes & "* 6. :why; E* \$hat four letters frighten a thief& "* 9.(./.H. :9h ( see you+; E* \$hat comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but not once in a thousand years& "* The letter ,m,. E* \$hy is the letter ,T, like an island & "* 3ecause it is in the middle of waTer. E* (n what way can the letter ,", help a deaf lady& "* (t can make ,her, ,hear. E* \$hich is the loudest !owel& "* The letter ,(,. (t is always in the midst of noise E* \$hat way are the letter ,", and ,noon, alike& "* 3oth of them are in the middle of the ,day,. E* \$hy is ,H, the happiest letter& "* 3ecause it is in the middle of ,fun,. E* \$hat word of only three syllables contains #7 letters& "* "lphabet F :#7 letters; E* \$hat relati!es are dependent on ,you,& "* "unt, uncle, cousin. They all need ,H,. E* \$hat is the end of e!erything&

"* The letter ,g,. Submitted by* 'ubarak "bdessalami This is a bilingual %nglishISpanish jokeDD especially good for a class of nati!e Spanish speakers. (t also illustrates an important gramatical difference between languages :genders of nouns;. "n %nglishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. e hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since the %nglishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. They were hiking on a mountain trail when a !ery large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The %nglishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, ,'ira el mosca+, The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, ,.o, senor, 'la mosca'... es feminina., The %nglishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, ,2ood hea!ens... you must ha!e incredibly good eyesight., Submitted by* 2ary /ooper, ?allas, Texas E* \$hat has many keys but can't open any doors& "* " piano. E* \$hat has 7 eyes but can't see& "* - blind mice. E* \$ho earns money dri!ing their customers away& "* " taxi dri!er. The teacher speaking to a student said, ,Saud, name two pronouns., Saud who suddenly woke up, said, ,\$ho, me&, Submitted by* "bu Bouri Teacher* Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. .ow, if ( say ,( am beautiful,, which tense is it& Student* 9b!iously it is the past tense. Submitted by* "bu Bouri E* \$hat is orange and sounds like parrot& "* " carrot Submitted by* 'ariana 2Jme1 E* /an a kangaroo jump higher than the %mpire State 3uilding& "* 6es, because the %mpire State 3uilding can't jump+ Submitted by* Submitted by* "na /arriKo, 4ortugal This is a riddle. (t works well if you let the students ask yes and no =uestions about the situation, before re!ealing the answer. E* " man goes into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun, and points it at the customer. ,Thank you, replies the customer and walks out. \$hat happened& "* The customer had hiccups.

('!e used this in many countries in %astern %urope. (t always works D a shock as a hiccup cure appears to be an international thing. Submitted by* Benny 'itchell E* \$hat do you call a deer with no eyes& "* .o idea.:.oDeye deer; Submitted by* 4ablo 9rtega BuLre1 %S) teacher* 6ou must ne!er begin a sentence ,( is ...,. /le!er student* 4lease sir, what's wrong with ,( is a !owel,.

## The %nglish Sense of umour 3ritish Bokes

/lick here to suggest a joke for inclusion on this page ere is a selection of old %nglish and 3ritish jokes* " man walks into a doctor's office. e has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. ,\$hat's the matter with me&, he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, ,6ou're not eating properly., DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

## ,.ot now kid+, DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

" man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. "fter a moment, the man called the waiter and said* ,\$aiter+ \$aiter+ There's a fly in my soup+, ,4lease don't speak so loudly, sir,, said the waiter, ,or e!eryone will want one., DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

\$hat is the longest word in the %nglish language& ,Smiles,. 3ecause there is a mile between its first and last letters+ DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD There are 5 birds in a tree. " hunter shoots # of them dead. ow many birds are left& # birds. The other - fly away+ DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD "n %nglish teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard* ,woman without her man is nothing,. The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly. The men wrote* ,\$oman, without her man, is nothing., The women wrote* ,\$oman+ \$ithout her, man is nothing., DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD The woman was in bed with her lo!er and had just told him how stupid her (rish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. e glared at her lo!er and bellowed, ,\$hat are you doing&, ,There,, said the wife, ,didn't ( tell you he was stupid&, DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD \$hat's the definition of a pessimist& " pessimist is a wellDinformed optimist. DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 'ark called in to see his friend "ngus :a Scotman; to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. @ather ob!iously, he remarked ,6ou're decorating, ( see., to which "ngus replied ,.o. ('m mo!ing house., DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD 9ne day an %nglishman, a Scotsman, and an (rishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of 2uinness. Bust as they were about to enjoy their creamy be!erage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The %nglishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The (rishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out o!er the beer, and started yelling, ,S4(T (T 9HT, S4(T (T 9HT 69H 3"SMM@?++++, DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD " man was injected with a deadly poison, but, it did not kill him. \$hy& e was already dead+