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Vipers & Scorpions

By: Stephen Kilijanczyk

A Christian satire of the American bipartisan political system, expressed through the
Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Chapter 1

Preaching of John the Baptist

Before the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, Isaiah the prophet wrote:

“Behold, I am sending my messenger ahead of you; he will prepare your way. A voice of
one crying out in the desert: ‘Prepare the way of the Lord, make straight his path.’ ”

A man named John the Baptist appeared in the Mojave Desert proclaiming a baptism of
repentance for the forgiveness of sins. People from the West Coast and all the inhabitants
of Las Vegas were going out to him and being baptized in Lake Tahoe. John was clothed
in grizzle bear hair and wore a black leather belt around his waist. He fed off of wild
honey and insects. And he proclaimed this message to all those who would hear: “One
mightier than I is coming after me. I am not worthy to stoop and loosen the clasp of his
sandals. I have baptized you with water; he will baptize you with the Holy Spirit.”

The Baptism of Jesus

It happened in those days that Jesus came from the City of Salt Lake, within Utah and
was baptized in Lake Tahoe by John. On coming up out of the water he saw the heavens
being torn open and the Spirit, like a dove, descending upon him. And voice came from
heaven, “You are my beloved Son; with you I am well pleased.”

The Temptation of Jesus

At once the Spirit drove him out into the desert, and he remained in the desert for forty
days, tempted by Satan. He was among wild beasts, and the angels ministered to him.

The Beginning of the West Coast Ministry

After John had been arrested, Jesus came to California proclaiming the gospel of God:
“This is the time of fulfillment. The kingdom of God is at hand. Repent, and believe in
the gospel.”

The Call of the First Disciples

As he was passing through Los Angeles he stopped at the Los Angeles Convention
Center, he saw Simon and his brother Andrew holding an open casting call; they were
Talent Agents. Jesus said to them, “Come after me, and I will make you Agents of God.
Then they left their booth and followed him.” He walked along a little further and saw
James, the son of Zebedee, and his brother John. They too were in agents looking for
fresh talent. Then he called them. So they left their father Zebedee at the booth long with
the other employees and followed him.
The Cure of the Demoniac
Then they left and came to Calabasas, after a few days he entered city hall and taught.
The people were amazed at his teaching, for he taught them as one having authority and
not as the politicians. In their city hall was a politician with an unclean spirit ; he cried
out, “What have you to do with us, Jesus of Salt Lake? Have you come to condemn us? I
know who you are—the Holy One of God!” Jesus rebuked him and said, “Quiet! Come
out of him!” The unclean spirit convulsed him and with a loud cry came out of him. All
were amazed and asked one another, “What is this? A new teaching with authority. He
commands even the unclean spirits and they obey him.” His fame spread everywhere
throughout the whole west coast.

The Cure of Simon’s Mother-in-Law

On leaving the city hall he entered the house of Simon and Andrew with James and John.
Simon’s mother-in-law laid there sick with the flu. They immediately told him about her.
He approached, grasped her hand, and helped her up. Then the fever left her and she
waited on them.

Other Healings
When it was evening, after sunset, they brought to him all who were ill or possessed by
demons. The whole town was gathered at the door. He cured many who were sick with
various diseases, and he drove out many demons, not permitting them to speak because
they knew him.

Jesus Leaves Calabasas

Rising very early before dawn, he left and went off to a deserted place, where he prayed.
Simon and those who with him pursued him and on finding him said, “Everyone is
looking for you.” He told them, “Let us go on to San Francisco that I may preach there
also. For this purpose have I come.” So he went into their city halls, preaching and
driving out demons throughout the whole west coast.

The Cleansing of a AIDS Patient

An AIDS patient came to him and kneeling down begged him and said, “If you wish, you
can make me clean.” Moved with pity, he stretched out his hand, touched him, and said to
him, “I do will. Be made clean.” The AIDS left immediately, and he was made clean.
Then, warning him sternly, he dismissed him at once. Then he said to him, “See that you
tell no one anything, but go, show yourself to the doctor; that will be proof for them.”
The man went away and began to publicize the whole matter. He spread the report abroad
so that it was impossible for Jesus to enter a town openly. He remained outside in
deserted places, and people kept coming to him from everywhere.