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INT. STANS HOUSE - DAY STAN and KYLE are on the Xbox One. KENNY watches.

Theyre playing Dead Rising 3. KYLE Dude combine the machete, duct tape, baseball bat and lighter and you get this thing called the "GOMORRAH"! STAN Woah! Whats a Gomorrah? KENNY (muffled) Gomorrah is this thing where you put your dick in a girl and it makes your pee sting. KYLE Ew, gross! CARTMAN (O.S.) You guys! Seriously, you guys! SUDDENLY, CARTMAN runs into the lounge, gasping for breath. CARTMAN You guys, did you hear the news? KYLE Did you finally get the record for most Burritos eaten at a Taco Bell? Kyle, Stan and Kenny laugh. CARTMAN HEY! That isnt funny, asshole! This is serious! KENNY Did Peter Dinklage escape from your moms asshole? AGAIN, the three Boys laugh. CARTMAN KENNY! Peter Dinklage is not stuck in my moms GOD DAMN BUTTHOLE! STAN Okay, okay, whats up?


CARTMAN Its the Loch Ness Monster, hes real! KYLE Cartman, youre a terrible liar. CARTMAN Shut up, jew! Im telling the truth -- look! Cartman grabs the TV remote and switches the channel. Its the 5 OCLOCK NEWS. KYLE Hey! CARTMAN Shhh, watch! Behind the NEWS ANCHOR is a picture of Peter Dinklage. NEWS ANCHOR is still a mystery as to how Mr. Dinklage managed to fit inside the local womans butthole, and declined to comment further. That mustve been a petty big butthole. Kenny chuckles. CARTMAN Weak. NEWS ANCHOR In other news, an African-American man living in Scotland claims that he has finally discovered the whereabouts of the legendary Loch Ness Monster! The African-American Man is CHEFs DAD. His picture appears on the screen. CARTMAN I told you! STAN Isnt that Chefs dad? CARTMAN What, the old creepy black guy?

3. STAN Yeah! KYLE I think so, look! Chefs Dad is being interviewed on location in SCOTLAND by a REPORTER. CHEFS MOM stands next to him. CHEFS DAD Me and the lil lady was comin back from the cinema, see -CHEFS MOM We were watchin a movie. CHEFS DAD And as we was drivin down the road to our little cottage, she yells in my ear, THOMAS, LOOK OUT!, and I squint on down the road, theres a car comin the other way! So I swerve CHEFS MOM Oh he swervin everywhere, my purse went flyin CHEFS DAD Her stuff flyin all over the place! So I get the car to stop, and the driver of the other car comes up to the window CHEFS MOM Aw, she were a little woman with her hair tied up in a bun, she looked all warn out nall. CHEFS DAD So I say, im sorry darlin, I didnt see you coming! Did you do much damage to the car? She say it just a little scratch. So I ask her how much I need to pay to cover... and she say... I need about tree fiddy. He pauses. STAN Holy shit dude. KENNY How isnt this guy dead yet? Hes like 112. BACK TO the TV.


CHEFS DAD Its about that time I notice that it aint no pretty little lady with her hair tied in a bun, its a six-storey scaly dinosaur from the palaeolithic era! Ysee, this is the sixteenth time this WEEK the monster sees me, so I say, GOD DAMN MONSTER! I TELLIN YOU AGAIN, YOU AINT GETTIN MY GOD DAMN TREE FIDDY!