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When Dr John Gottman began researching the subject in the early 1970s, there was very little solid scientific data on marriage and the factors that make it work. Marriage counsellors depended on conventional wisdom, opinion, intuition, religious beliefs or the ideas of psychotherapists to give advice to couples, with the result that they were not particularly effective. In 1986, Gottman, a psychology professor at the University of Washington in Seattle who had previously studied mathematics at MIT, set up his Family Research Lab, colloquially known as the Love Lab. A furnished apartment overlooking a lake, the lab was set up to film and record the conversations, arguments and body language of couples living together. Surprisingly, the project was the first to scientifically observe real married couples in action. By the time Gottman published The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, his team had observed more than 650 couples over a 14-year period. Most of the people who came to his marriage classes were on the brink of divorce, but after learning his principles their relapse rate back to marital misery was less than half the average for marriage counselling. There are hundreds of titles on improving spousal relationships, but Gottmans research gives his the edge because its advice was forged from actual data rather than well-meaning generalities. As a consequence, many of its answers are counterintuitive, and the author delights in busting a few myths about what makes a happy and stable marriage.
Predicting divorce
After many years research, Gottmans astonishing claim is to be able to make 91% accurate predictions of whether a couple will end in divorce or stay married after observing them for only five minutes. Couples do not end up in the divorce courts because they have arguments, he writes, it is the way they argue that massively increases the chance of them splitting up. In watching endless hours of taped interaction between couples, Gottman identified several signs that they may be on the road to divorce - if not in the next year, then some years hence. They include: Harsh startups When discussions begin with criticism, sarcasm or contempt what Gottman calls a harsh startup. What begins badly, ends badly. Criticism There is a difference between complaints, which refer to a particular action of your spouse and personal criticism.
Contempt Includes any form of sneering, eye-rolling, mockery or name-calling that aims to make the other person feel bad. A worse version of contempt is belligerence, often expressed in the phrase What are you going to do about it? Defensiveness Trying to make the other person seem like they are the problem, as if you have not made any contribution. Stonewalling When one partner tunes out, unable to take regular criticism, contempt and defensiveness. By disengaging they are less exposed to being hurt. Gottman notes that in 85% of marriages, it is the man who is the stonewaller. This is because the male cardiovascular system recovers from stress more slowly. A mans response to conflict is likely to be more indignant, with thoughts of getting even or I dont have to take this. Women, on the other hand, are better able to soothe themselves down following a stressful situation, which also explains why women nearly always have to raise the issues of conflict in the relationship and men try to avoid them. Flooding Regular emotional flooding is when either partner are overwhelmed by verbal attacks from the other. When we are attacked, heart rate and blood pressure go up and hormones are released, including adrenaline. On a physiological level we experience verbal attacks as a threat to our survival. As Gottman puts it, you respond the same way, whether youre facing a saber -toothed tiger or a contemptuous spouse demanding to know why you can never remember to put the toilet seat back down. When frequent flooding occurs, each partners wish to avoid the experience results in them emotionally disengaging with each other. Failure of repair attempts Unhappy couples fail to stop a heated argument in its tracks by saying, for instance, Wait, I need to calm down or employing an amusing expression to prevention escalation of the conflict. Happy couples all have this vital ability, which prevents the argument from descending into personal insult. On their own, the signs do not necessarily predict divorce, but if occurring on top of each other over a sustained period are very likely to end a relationship. He describes defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism and contempt as 'the four horseman of the apocalypse'. The level of negative sentiment slowly starts to overtake the positives, so that the set point of happiness in the relationship declines to a point that it becomes too painful. AFFAIRS The partners emotionally disengage, stop bothering to try to sort things out, and begin leading parallel lives within the same house. This is the point at which affairs are most likely, because one or both of the partners becomes lonely and seeks attention, support or care elsewhere. An affair, Gottman points out, is usually the symptom of a dying marriage rather than the cause.
Final comments
Gottmans research originated in what seems like a rather obvious question: why, exactly, is marriage so difficult at times? His research taught him that although it is often challenging, it does not need to be as difficult as it is. Once you understand what makes marriage tick at a scientific level you are in a much better position to improve yours and protect it against failure. This, of course, applies to long-term relationships of any kind. Gottman has also conducted a 12-year study of gay and lesbian couples, and found that their interactions were not that different to straight couples. Gays tend to take things a little less personally, use fewer hostile or controlling tactics, and generally employ more affection and humor when they bring up a disagreement - but the basic dynamics of conflict and conflict resolution are the same. It is probable that in fifty years time we will look back and be amazed how little knowledge the average person had on physiological and psychological responses to conflict, and on how to manage relationships overall. Paradoxically, hard science has much to teach us about the soft things love, romance and friendship - that make life worth living.