THE GOLDDIGGER

The drunken voice of the Wines School of Colorado

3
Volume 93, Issue 21 March 31, 2014
INTERNET USER

News

Never gonna give you up

Features 6

Never gonna let you down

Sports 11

Hope Sisley Red Shirt

New High Land lectures take on increasingly philosophical theme

In honor of the legalization of marijuana in the state of Colorado, the name of the weekly Geophysics departmental lecture is being ocially changed from Heiland to High Land lecture. The university president has assured the public that this is not meant to reect the local elevation of Golden (about six thousand feet above sea level, which is fairly high in and of itself) but is rather a way to honor the new law, which President Scoggins has called a truly groundbreaking piece of legislation about which he is totally stoked. A renaming ceremony is planned for April 20th, in which students are invited to gather at the Green Center with their smoking paraphernalia and enjoy brownies, chips, and various other munchies with the president and Geophysics faculty. Attendees of the seminar will be allowed to smoke during the hour-long talk, a controversial decision. A poll was taken among the students and faculty to select the Heilands new title after low attendance convinced the Geophysics department that the lecture series needed a makeover. The new theme, the High Land lecture, was selected with a ninety-eight percent majority, beating out several other suggested titles. When asked their opinion of the name change, students in the geophysics department were generally positive. I think its freakin awesome, man, Eden Potter, a junior, told the Gold Digger. Ive been going to those talks for, like, three years, and they could really use a bong hit, if you ask me.

Nyan Cat named unofcial mascot for Galax-EDays. Concert line-up change to ten hours of Nyan Cat theme song on loop.

Never gonna run around and desert you

Opinion 12

Leah Hill Red Shirt

Vladimir Putin invades Crimea in endless quest to catch-em-all

Putin so determined to spread Russias borders? The answer became evident when Putin addressed the media simply saying, I gotta catch em all! Not many people know, but Russia is home to a very small variety of Pokmon. There are Rock types in the plains of Russia and Ice types in Siberia, but not much else. Putin was willing to accept his fate of having a two-note Pokmon party until the Ukrainian people ousted former president Yanukovych on February 22nd. When Yanukovychs house was explored by the press on February 26th, everyone was shocked at what was found. The presidents house was an enormous estate with sculptures everywhere, a manmade lake with an 18th century themed yacht oating on it, a private golf course, a classic car museum, grand dining halls with crystal chandeliers and gold plated walls, replaces everywhere, and the big

Stone Freeman, a senior, agreed. I already go to the Heiland high. This will just give me an excuse to smoke during the lecture, instead of just before and after it. Plus theyre totes providing Cheetos now, and I love Cheetos more than life itself. For real. The Gold Digger also interviewed the graduate student population and found grad students to be even more in favor of the change than the undergrads. Mimi Hendrix, a fourth-year masters student, tried to articulate why she likes the new name. Well, its, I mean, its like,

Never gonna make you cry

As we all probably know by now, Russia wants to take over the world, and is starting with Ukraine. On March 16th Crimean people voted to secede from Ukraine and join Russia with an overwhelming 97% in favor of joining Russia. There have also been whispers of Russia annexing Kazakhstan. But why is all this happening? Why is Vladimir

tamale: his own private zoo. This zoo is home to rare Pokmon from all around the world. It was shortly after the zoo was discovered that Putin made his move for Ukraine. While the best and most rare Pokmon are in Kiev, it was out of his reach. So he decided to go for all the water Pokmon in Crimea rst. Russian armed forces were sent into Crimea on February 27th-28th just one day after the discovery of the Pokmon

w w w . O R E D I G G E R . n e t

page

n e w s

march

Ramiro Rodriguez, Red Shirt

COURTESY FRANCES AND LYNNE

Stanford University - Researchers at Stanford Universitys Department of Psychology have concluded that fedoras, at caps, trilbys, pork pie hats, and an assortment of other headwear are only worn in an attempt to supplement a complete lack of personality or interesting characteristics. According to the study, the hat-wearing subjects make body language trying to bring the focus of the non-hat subject towards their own hat and not themselves. This happens with a tirade on why hats are no longer in vogue in a last-ditch eort to hold the interest of the person being spoken to. While the eects are more pronounced around the opposite sex, the attempts are equally ineective to seeming interesting.

Boulder, CO - Researchers for the Center for Recreational Marijuana Studies in Boulder, Colorado, have released a study denitively proving that Dark Side of the Moon does in fact sync up to The Wizard of Oz and that it is really far out and trippy, man. While work is still being done to conrm the discovery, experts in the eld of watching movies while high are already hailing this the greatest discovery in the eld since the discovery that Another Brick in the Wall syncs up with Wall-E, known as Another Brick in the Wall-E.

North Pole - Researchers at a research center at the North Pole have discovered the ruins of what appears to be a factory which many say could be the ruins of the fabled Santas Workshop. The oor is littered with weapons crafted from factory equipment and toys as well as an odd shimmering red liquid that contains a large amount of iron. Signs at the scene point to the destruction of this place being caused by an insurrection done by the working underclass, including a lsign that cryptologists have determined says The beatings will continue until morale improves.

International Space Station - An international team of scientists stationed at the International Space Station, located in space, has determined that the sun is hot. After years of study on the center of the solar system, head research Maj. Oliver Bivious claims that the sun is really, really, unbelievably hot, like, if you tried to lick it you would die. The study was ended when a supply shipment from Earth contained a Snapple bottle whose cap made the staggering discovery.

Oredigger Staff
Lucy Orsi Admiral Emily McNair Vice Admiral Taylor Polodna Rear Admiral Connor McDonald Rear Admiral Amos Gwa Ferengi Arnaud Filliat Missing in Action Katerina Gonzales Lieutenant Jared Riemer Lieutenant Karen Gilbert Faculty Advisor

Headlines from around the world

Ramiro Rodriguez, Red Shirt
Russian President Vladimir Putin has signed a law formalizing the annexation of Europe. While no one else is recognizing the annexation, Putin said while Bond-villainously stroking a white cat muahahaha, let them protest, rst Europe, next the world. The United Nations has announced a plans to pass a resolution to send a rather strongly worded letter at some point assuming Russia doesnt veto the resolution or failing to pass the resolution, will make Russia sit with the lame countries at the UN cafeteria. In a joint eort by the Department of Homeland Security and the National Security Agency, citizens of the United States are now having their pornographic preference monitored and will be required to have this information on their ID cards. The claim is being made by the Director of the NSA that this is purely a security issue and is totally not being done because its funny and who would stop us, I mean really. Privacy activists are imploring citizens to raise awareness of this massive invasion of privacy, and also that using the Faxes Received folder isnt fooling anyone. Legendary lm director and producer Tommy Wiseau, director and producer of The Room, has announced plans to lm a movie adaptation of the hit game Candy Crush Saga. The lm will center around the life of a candy farmer played by Wiseau who will journey throughout a strange and fantastical land to nd his missing wife Lisa as well as the meaning of life. While the lming is facing overwhelmingly negative attention, famed reviewer Ramiro Rodriguez had to say Ive never been more excited for any movie ever. The only thing that could make this better is a cameo by the Sharknado. In an eort to reduce welfare fraud, the state of Louisiana has launched a $150M initiative to create a system that evaluates how much people like a particular food so that EBT cards can only be used on food that people dont actually enjoy. The process will involve nationwide surveying of every food product available for purchase and creating a score for each one. Those on welfare will only be allowed to purchase food rated as Mediocre or worse. According to a new law passed in Texas, women will now be subjected to an hour long slideshow of children playing with small animals before receiving medical advice as pertaining to the termination of a pregnancy. Lawmakers say that this is absolutely not religiously motivated and they just want to make sure women dont do things they regret; aww, look at them playing with the kitty, aww, aww, look at it. While the move has drawn ire and protests around the country, lawmakers are for the most part seeing the bill as something to be produced in their own states. In food news, fast food chain McDonalds has announced their latest menu item, the McBurger. The McBurger is a triple patty burger that has cheeseburgers instead of buns. The move is seen as an attempt to legitimize a popular secret menu item as well as prevent the embarrassment of employees as drunk and or high customers attempt to order the menu item whose name cannot be put into print or said in polite society. The menu item is being announced in states in reverse order of average number of heart attack related fatalities using a commercial parodying the MTV reality show Pimp My Ride.

Local News
The City of Golden is looking to repave all of the streets in the city. The asphalt will be multiple colors, but blue will dominate. Members of the city council note that this change will make Golden more memorable to tourists and does not drastically add to the cost. The Jeerson County Sheri has dedicated part of the force to round up animals on the east side of highway 6. The ocers will guide the animals across the road during both morning and evening rush hour. Animals include elk, deer, and skunks, and the operation will begin immediately. Clear Creek will be diverted onto the Colorado School of Mines campus for E-Days. This will allow more people to attend the cardboard boat race on Saturday. Additionally, multiple boats will be launched at the same time, allowing participants to attack each other as they go down the creek. The State Senate passed a law requiring all vacuums to be sold with warnings in various languages, including cat and dog. These warnings must be printed on the vacuum in bold colors and must say exactly what the vacuum will do and tell pets not to be afraid of it. The law goes into eect August 24, 2027.

w w w . O R E D I G G E R . n e t

march 31, 2014

High Land continued How I ruined Galax-e Days

Hope Sisley Red Shirt
Continued from Page 1

k n e w s

page 03

Putins pokemon cont.

Leah Hill Red Shirt
Continued from Page 1 zoo. Crimea is a peninsula right between Russia and Ukraine in the Black Sea. Aside from a small slice of land connecting it to Ukraine, Crimea looks like an island. Crimea is home to many water Pokmon that cannot be found in Russia. The Black Sea is infested with Tentacool, but the bodies of water on Crimea itself are home to one of the greatest varieties of water Pokmon in the world. I have always wanted a Laparas and maybe one of the new starters, the cute little blue frog, Putin was overheard saying just before Russias parliament approved his request to use force in Ukraine to protect Russian interests on March 1st. Ukraine saw their approval as a declaration of war. But in return for their cooperation, Putin offered Crimea a chance to see the Articuno that Russians claim to have captured in Siberia. On March 6th, Crimeas parliament voted to join Russia, and sent the vote to the people. Vladimir Putins Pokmon party currently includes a level 15 Geodude, a level 12 Nosepass, and a level 11 Jynx. Needless to say, it is not intimidating. Putin claims that his goal is simply to complete his Pokdex. But the parliament elected interim president of Ukraine Olexander Turchynov says that they cannot ever give up the collection of rare Pokmon to Russia. It was Ukrainian people to worked hard to catch these Pokmon, not our former president. While Ukraine continues to resist Russias seize on their population of Pokmon, the rest of the world stands with them. Barack Obama pledged to stand with Ukraine during a meeting with interim Prime Minister Arseniy Yatsenyuk at the White House on March 12th. And on March 17th, the EU

if your name is who you are, well, if you change your name, like, its like youre changing who you are. Im changing my name, too. Im going to be Sunflower Rocketship from now on. I got the idea from this sweet album I, like, heard in Amsterdam. Want to listen? Not everyone is so enthusias-

tic about the new title, however. Candy Kane, a fifth-year senior, complained that the Heiland could have received a better theme for its makeover. I was really hoping it would become the Pie Land Lecture, she lamented on her Livejournal account. I know its great that theyre giving out free chips and all, but I would much rather they gave out free pie. This sentiment is shared by a small but passionate group of students, who are busily gathering signatures on a petition to Resurrect Pie Land,

which so far has met with minor support. Other rejected titles include the Cry Land lecture, a seminar about feelings, and the Why Land? lecture, in which speakers would come and expound upon the possibilities of human settlements in space or underwater colonies. If the new lecture title does not draw more students to the talks, President Scoggins has promised to entertain some of the other possible themes. He allows, however, that this is highly unlikely to occur.

Colin Marshal, Kit Pfeiffer and Samara Omar Klingon High Council

Step one: Only buy 300 packets and give over half of them away to friends. Youre welcome friends. Maybe if we had known the pedometers were going to be such a big hit we would have bought more. Step two: Wednesday. You may have thought all the money raised by Alphatraz is going to charity but really we are taking it for ourselves. Hope you did not volunteer to get locked in jail because you are never getting out. Step Three: Thursday. Approximately 9 people will be laughing at this years comedian and that will be the MAC executive council. Fooling the entire campus at into thinking E-Days was actually happening is a pretty solid April Fools prank. As for casino night, you can gamble all you want, but the real gamble is whether or not there is going to be a concert. Step Four: Friday. Looking forward to burritos and ice cream sandwiches on the Ore Cart Pull? Too bad, I already ate them. And this year, Blaster will be pulling the ore cart with me inside. No

way Im walking all seven of those miles. Forget the ROI articles, the next news report Mines will be in will be titled: Engineering school works school mascot to death. Whats better than a reputation of animal abuse? At the Friday Night Event, the only Sound Remedy youll be getting is a good nights sleep. Step Five: Saturday. Cardboard boat race? New name: Cardboard gloat race. Its just going to be me, sitting on a pedestal of cardboard while Im fanning myself with the Alphatraz cash. The only bad thing is that the cardboard will be weighed down by all of the hoarded packets. And whats all the excitement about 303 about? Isnt that a zip code? Final Step: Its pretty well known that MAC is the laziest, largest waste of student funds out there. Thats why this year we are requesting even more money! We may be saying this will help us buy more E-Days packets for you all next year, but really we will just be distributing the money amongst ourselves (as we do every year). So I hope you all have a terrible E-Days; Ive worked very hard to make it a reality.

Katerina Gonzales Lieutenant

Search for room continues

outside to Kafadar commons, and did not report anything. The next evening, a common hour exam was set to occur in MH370. Actually, two exams were set to occur, due to an error in scheduling. This left Physics I and Scientific Computing students doubly baffled as to where they were supposed to take their exams. The students were then sent to Berthoud 108 and Coolbaugh 209 and instructed to share desks with students already in there taking a ProbStats test. Professor Chuck Stone is in charge of the search for MH370. Stone told the Oredigger, Wow!

and US imposed travel bans and asset freezes on several officials from Russia and Ukraine over the Crimea referendum. But as Russian troops stormed a military base in Simeropol, Crimea on March 18th, a Ukrainian officers Laparas was stolen from him. The next day Ukraine started making plans to withdraw soldiers and their families from Crimea. A Pokmon battle is expected, but stealing someones Laparas which he has raised from an egg is something only team Rocket wouldnt do. Interim president Turchynov told the press. While the EU and US have extended sanctions on Russia, the future for Ukraine and their Pokmon is still unknown. Vladimir Putin is currently 62 years old and well past the age of the typical aspiring Pokmon master. It is widely believed that Putin is attempting to take over the world and all their Pokmon just as Giovanni once did in the Kanto region of Japan.

Chris Oestreich Red Shirt

OReilly trolls

D I N O S A U R S
Jacquie Feuerborn Red Shirt
Everyone on campus has seen the strange stone sculpture on Kafadar Commons. No one is really sure what it is supposed to be or why it is there. Recently, there has been an executive decision made by officials at the school that the strange three rock stone sculpture is to come down and be replaced. The statue is to be replaced by something much larger and more straight forward. The current statue will be demolished to make way for a new statue of a dinosaur. Not just any dinosaur, but a life size replica of a Sauroposeidon dinosaur. These dinosaurs stood sixty feet tall and were about 108 feet long. There is some question of how the statue will fit on Kafadar Commons but the school is already looking into solutions to any potential space issues. One of their primary solutions to not having enough room is to suggest moving Meyer Hall. There is no news yet as to where it would be relocated to but surely the school would figure something out that would work for the Physics Department. The dinosaur statue will be hand carved from a single block

The disappearance of room MH370 has left the Mines campus in shock. In such an interconnected community, it seemed impossible to lose something as large as a physics classroom. However, the unthinkable became reality on Saturday, March 8 when the room disappeared without a trace. At 12:41 am, a physics student walked around Meyer trying to look for the room, but could not find it. He left his pillow in the room and needed to take a nap. He decided to take his napping

Can you believe itI cant find this room! Would you look at this! A blue box! As Stone said, there is a blue box in the middle of the third floor hallway of Meyer, similar to a black box. The blue box on MH370 may hold clues as to what happened. Time traveling aliens are suspected in all of this.

Geology dept. moves to Kafadar

Katerina Gonzalez Lieutenant
Mines administration, USG, GSG, and the Geology Department have all agreed that having a department building for Geology is useless, so all Geology classes will now be held out in Kafadar. Theyre always on Kafadar anyway, said President Scoggins. This includes the classes already out on Kafadar, such as Structural Geology, but will also include freshman GEOL101 all the way to graduatelevel petrology. TAs and professors will hold office hours while hammocking or slacklining. The move has been met with outrage from the Slacklining Club and other students who frequent the commons for recreation. The Geophysics Department is also saddened and angered, as Kafadar is an extremely

In a stunning press release earlier this week, famous political pundit Bill O Reilly announced that his show The OReilly Factor is indeed a hoax. OReilly has been trolling America in one of the greatest pranks since the NASA moon landing. Best known for his scathing commentaries on the Democrats and an undying love for guns, freedom, lower taxes, and screaming at guests until he becomes red in the face, OReilly has quickly become one of the most beloved

pundits on Fox News. Apparently, that persona has been a sham meant to see how gullible the average American could be. When asked to elaborate, OReilly had this to say: Well of course its a joke, how could anyone take this show seriously? I mean, come on, I compared South Chicago to Haiti and advocated kidnapping and water boarding Nancy Pelosi. Didnt anyone get the hint that Im trolling right wing nut jobs? As this news breaks, it leaves much to be answered for dedicated fans of The OReilly Factor who must surely be reevaluating their life choices.

of granite; they are still looking for one big enough. The design was sketched out by the one and only Luis Jimenez, who created the devil horse by Denver International Airport. The plans were made before his untimely death while constructing the devil horse. Luckily for the school, however, he was able to completely finish the sketch for Colorado School of Mines new dinosaur statue. The statue will not have glowing eyes or anything terrifying like that; it will simply be immense in size. Keep an eye out for the dinosaur statue that is coming to the Colorado School of Mines near you.

geologically interesting area to do gravity, magnetic, electrical, and electromagnetic surveys. Geophysics has countered by buying a portion of the IM fields to do surveys on. Because of the eyesore that Berthoud Hall is architecturally, it will be knocked down to make way for new infrastructure. Many have suggested a parking lot, but another building for the Petroleum Department will be built with another Starbucks on the first floor and a Burger King on the 6th floor. The building will be called Marcus Hall. Geology students are content with Kafadar as their new home. Instead of long nights studying in Berthoud, they have begun studying at Coors Lab. Mines has been very helpful during the transition, and has even bought all the geology students new colored pencils.

w w w . O R E D I G G E R . n e t

page

Faculty Spotlight Twilight: The The Ghost of Chauvenet Hall single greatest movie of all time
Jacqueline Feuerborn Red Shirt
of boat. As he passed the Statue of Liberty, he chose a new name. That was the day that Gregory VladinThere is one person on campus kash was born. Vladinkash became that does not get nearly as much a mathematician and soon secured respect as he should. Every stu- a teaching job at none other than dent, faculty, and sta member has Colorado School of Mines. heard of him but no one knows the He was a well-liked teacher real story and even fewer have even while at Mines, and some students tried to talk to him. He is campuss even went so far as to claim that he only ghost. was the best teacher that they have Gregory Vladinkash is the ghost ever had at Mines. However, when of Chauvenet Hall. Some people looking into who Vladinkash taught have heard the story or perhaps while at the school, all records of even ventured into the depths of his classes and students disappear, Chauvenet Hall except for the in hopes of seeThere are stories that name plaque in ing him but few the basement have succeeded. claim he was a Russian of Chauvenet Professor VladinHall and a single kash is not the prisoner during the Cold newspaper clipterrifying ghost from CSMs War and was tortured for ping that everyone own Oredigger. thinks he his. information in the depths All it says in the There are stoarticle is that ries that claim he students mourn of Chauvenet Hall was a Russian the loss of Proprisoner during the Cold War and fessor Vladinkash and that he will was tortured for information in the be missed. There is not even a hint depths of Chauvenet Hall, but the of what happened to him but all we truth is far less ominous and even do know is that he died sometime more ominous at the same time. during his time at Mines. Vladinkash is a Russian citizen The rumors about his ghost inbut he has not been to his mother habiting Chauvenet Hall, seem like country in over thirty-seven years. just that: rumors. However, despite The truth is, Gregory Vladinkash any initial hesitance there is no is not his real name. He was born doubt that there is something hidas Sergi Putin. Yes, as in Presi- ing in the shadowy basement of dent Putin of Russia. Gregory, or Chauvenet Hall. What else could Sergi as he use to be called, is the give the entire building that air of grandfather of the current President danger and gloom? Why else do of Russia. How did Putins grand- people refuse to enter the basefather come to be in the basement ment of Chauvenet Hall? There is of Chauvenet Hall on the Colorado only one answer to these quesSchool of Mines campus? tions. It is simple really, Vladinkash Vladinkash left Russia in 1936, still lives down there. The only place the year people claim he died. on campus he feels safe perhaps? There is little known about how he We can never truly know, unless is said to have died, for anyone who someone is brave enough to vencould know anything shuts up the ture down there and nd him. second that the current Putin looks Who is willing to nd Gregory their way. What little is known is that Vladinkash or Sergi Putin, as he Vladinkash left Russia and made was once known, and ask him his his way to the United States by way story?

f e a t u r e s

march

COURTESY GRODANSNAGEL

BlueRose676 Red Shirt

Cooking Corner
Jacqueline Feuerborn Red Shirt
The majority of the students at Colorado School of Mines are here to become engineers. Anyone who wishes to do not only that but also become the perfect engineer, simply has to follow these steps. Be sure not to leave any ingredients out. Ingredients: Mild to severe exhaustion Copious amounts of stress Lots of homework Complete lack of desire to be productive One pounding headache More coee than one person should consume Looming Deadlines Instructions: 1. Get lots of homework and mix it with a complete lack of desire to be productive. Once these are thoroughly mixed, add looming deadlines. 2. Once the looming deadlines

Recipe for the perfect engineer

have been fully integrated into the mixture, add copious amounts of stress and stir well. 3. In a separate bowl, add mild to severe exhaustion (level of exhaustion is to each cooks preference) and more coee than one person should consume. When there is a slight buzzing, add one pounding headache and stir well. 4. Combine the two bowls of ingredients and mix well. 5. The mixture is complete when the homework is still slightly visible but is mostly hidden under extreme stress and too much coffee. 6. Place mixture at Colorado School of Mines and leave for roughly 4 years or until batter has given up on life completely. Be sure to not include any free time. If there is any free time in the mixing bowl, the recipe wont turn out right. Now, all there is left to do is take the perfect engineer and try and motivate it. Good luck. At this stage, all motivation should have completely baked o.

New Skrillex album: Recess

Evan Michael Thomas Ford Red Shirt
Dubstep has evolved from humble beginnings and one of the most prominent and forward thinking artists of the genre is Skrillex. His hair is a statement for his passion and music: it says, Yup, this is happening. The rst song of the album, entitled, Burn the Children, begins mellow with a oscillatory melody that chills out real hard, but comes in solid with the heavy bass like bum bum bum BUMM BUMM CHIGGGA CHIGGA beep beep CHIGGA yearrrenn---CHIGGA yearrrren. Only to be followed by some harder intervals of BIM BARMMM BARRUURRMRMRMNN BIM BARMM ABABBRRRNRNN dun dun chhhh dun dun dun chhhh. The melody comes back real soft, then the screams. Lots of screams, gotta love the screams with then the BRAAAMMPADAMPADAM BRUMMMMM BRUMM beeeeep beep beep beep beepbeep-beeep-beeep beeeeeeep

There is a great unsung epic of the silver screen. It comprises five movies and is based upon a four-book series by the best author of the modern era, maybe of all time. It stars the two best actors and possibly the single best actress who has ever lived. Thousands have thrilled, gasped, sighed, laughed, and wept at its brilliance, and even more have dreamt themselves into the story. It is a tale of love and life which will persist for all eternity. If the reader does not already know to what this refers, its the Twilight Saga, duh. Twilight is the story of a teenage girl named Bella who falls in love with a 102-year-old vampire named Edward who goes to her high school. Hes totally not a pedo, even if he is way older than her, because he looks like hes seventeen, so hes basically the same age as her, since obviously an old man dating a teenage girl is only creepy when he looks old and icky, instead of young and smexy and fabulous. Edward even sparkles! Like for serious! Because thats totally the reason why vampires cant be in the sunlight. They dont, like, burn up or anything - they sparkle like diamonds! Its totally hot. Anyhow, Bella also falls in love with a super hot teenage werewolf named Jacob, and then she has to choose between him and Edward. Plus theres some bad vampires who hate Edward because hes way hotter than they are, so theyre always trying to cockblock. Also, Bella wants to be a vampire, too, because she wants to sparkle like a diamond just like Edward, but he wont turn her because he might, like, lose control and eat her or something. Its totally a metaphor for sex, which makes Edward even hotter! Like, hes so into her that he might just, like, devour her like a rabid dog! Isnt that sexy? Shut up, it totally is. Twilight was a hit book series before it got made into the best movie series ever made. The movies are actually way better than the books. Here is why: 1. There are only four books, but there are five movies, since

the producers wanted to make sure they did justice to the final book, Breaking Dawn, so they split it into two. Isnt that awesome? Two more hours of smexy Edward! 2. Reading about Jacob being shirtless is so not as hot as seeing Jacob shirtless. 3. Kristen Stewart, who plays Bella, is basically the best actress to ever live. She has such a huge range of emotions! No one who saw the movies didnt cry when Edward rejected her and Bella was so miserable that she sat in her room for months and months just staring out the window. Kristen Stewart captured Bellas desolation perfectly. Plus she and Robert Pattinson, who played Edward, have super awesome chemistry together. They even dated in real life! 4. The vampire sparkles looked so pretty on the big screen! Computer graphics are way better than imagination. 5. Movies are always better than books, duh. There are five Twilight movies, and each one is better than the one before it. Breaking Dawn Part Two, the final installment in the series, came out in 2013, ending an era. In this masterpiece of the cinema, Bella is a new vampire, with a cute little vampire baby named Renesmee, which is such a pretty name! The baby is so perfect in the book that they had to computer-generate her face for the movie because they couldnt find an actress pretty enough. And even though Bella decided to marry Edward in the end, its okay - like, Jacob isnt heartbroken or anything, because it turns out that the only reason why he thought that he loved Bella was because he actually was in love with her and Edwards baby! So when Renesmee grows up, shell marry Jacob, and then he can live happily ever after, too! Isnt that romantic? Its like theyre in love even before shes born! This story is so beautiful that it made every person in every theater across the nation cry like a little baby. (Not a vampire baby, though, because vampires cant cry!) It should absolutely have swept the Academy Awards but it wasnt even nominated for anything. This is such a

crime. Instead, some stupid history movie called Twelve Years A Slave won everything, which was about some black guy or something, who even cares. Twilight is so much better than any other movie that its not even worth comparing. Who cares about what happened to some guy who died, like, two hundred years ago? Edward totally lives forever! Way cooler! Why would someone want to watch a movie about boring real life history when they could watch a love story about a vampire who sparkles like a diamond? Did the slave guy sparkle in the sunlight? I bet he didnt. Did he change into a wolf? He so did not. Does he live happily ever after as a vampire with a hot vampire lover and an adorable vampire baby? Not even close! Someone please explain why the Academy is so lame when it comes to picking Oscar winners. Anyhow, Breaking Dawn was basically the peak to which all cinema aspires. From the immortal romance between Bella and Edward to the cute romance between Jacob and Renesmee, to the super hot werewolf boys running around shirtless, to the scary action between the bad vampires and the good ones, this story has everything that anyone would ever want to see in a movie. Plus Kristen Stewart is amazing. Shes super funny and cute in real life, too. She was also awesome in Snow White and the Huntsman, which the Oscar committee also ignored! Its like they dont understand what an excellent actress she is. Jerks. The point is, everyone should watch the Twilight Saga! Anyone who has not seen it will regret it forever. It is the greatest movie (okay, movie series, whatever) ever made, and will probably never be bested, until they remake it a hundred years from now in, like, 4D Smellovision or something awesome like that. 10 stars out of 5! Twilight forever!!!!!!

beep beEEEP BEEEEP BEEEEEEP BEeeep BRUM BEEEEEEP. It is a great song to fall asleep to, or to do laundry to, or whatever is currently like the thing youre doing or were doing. Some other notable tracks are Blender Breath (ft. Dog Spit), Robotic Bukkake, and The Angled Fist Anthem. Its a visionary set of tracks that set the standard for the next generation of dubstep tracks and anthems you can bump your head to and stab your friends with.

w w w . O R E D I G G E R . n e t

march

f e a t u r e s

page 05

Guggenheim bell-ringer revealed

Katerina Gonzales Lieutenant
For years, the Mines community has wondered who is the person responsible for the beautiful bellringing coming from Guggenheim. Cynics have claimed that the bell sounds are fake and electronic and until now no one has known what to believe. Upon sending a freshman writer to climb Guggenheim one evening, The Oredigger has discovered that the bell tower is indeed authentic, and has also found the identity of the bell-ringer: Jake Larson. Upon his discovery, Larson was excited to show the campus his joy of bell-ringing. The president and dean of the school had wanted his identity to remain secret in order to protect him, but Larson seems to be handling his new-found fame very well. Being a bell-ringer is not an easy job, but Larson does not complain, stating, I get nights o and usually only need to be in the tower at the top of the hour and during special hours. Special hours include the noon hours and 5 oclock hour, when extensive songs are played with the bells. Jake also is a student at CSM and does academic things between bell-ringing, but bell-ringing comes rst. Although he keeps with the classics, Larson is allowed to compose his own songs. One of his best pieces is played during the noon hour. I got the idea after learning about randomness in Java, Larson said. The song sounds random to the ear, but Larson generated a song using Java that had truly random notes to compare, and Larsons original pseudo-random hit still stands as the best song in his repertoire. Other schools have tried to recruit Larson to play bells in their administrative buildings, but it is clear that Larson loves playing only in Guggenheims tower. In wind, rain, snow, and sun, Jake Larson is visible under the gold dome, ringing away.
KATERINA GONZALES / OREDIGGER

ENERGIZING
YOUR FUTURE

Restaurant Review: Larrys Place

Evan Michael Thomas Ford Red Shirt
Larrys Place: good luck nding it, but it is denitely worth it. This is the kind of place that has no sign or address, so you have to keep an ear out for a braying donkey when walking in downtown Golden between 2:31--2:38 am. Locating the origin of the donkey wont grant you access, just a one time redeemable ticket printed on a fruit roll-up. DO NOT EAT THE FRUIT ROLL UP. Instead, fold it in half with a plastic toothpick in the middle, and toss it in Clear Creek EXACTLY 11 minutes after you receive it. If the timing is right, youll see a small hunchback with nub left arm climb out from under the bridge near 13th Street. This is Gary. Gary will then burp a ve-digit code three times; remember this code BUT DO NOT WRITE IT DOWN. Enter this code into the orange lock box that restricts entry into Larrys Place. Once you get in, be sure to whisper the Pledge of Allegiance to the bouncer (he likes that). So, simple as that, youre in. Now, the good part. The food is mediocre, and the beverages are served with potato avored ice chips (western Latvian pop culture fads arent really my thing). Larrys Place is more than food and drink, however. The hostess is a stonecold babe, if not the HOTTEST engineer north of Salida, Colorado. I think her name is Robin. The owner, Larry, is kind enough, but he usually sweats on and stains everything he touches. Its forgivable because he has a pretty serious gland problem. Either way, Larry and Robin have great chemistry during their Nordic Pole Dancing routine, making the entire hassle well worth it. Some negatives about the place is the STRICT no iguanas policy. During full moons, the bouncer is a tad handsy. Additionally, there is a crying infant stuck in the vents. Its usually pretty quiet, but unfortunately, you can hear it over the music sometimes. The biggest thing to look out for is the basement. An unpleasant stench is always rising from the lowest level, and a thick pile of dirty feathers line the stairs on the way down. I might check it out the next time I head over, but I recommend that rst-timers avoid it (Robin stabbed a guy who asked about it once). Usually some heavy crowds on Tuesdays and Sundays, but otherwise a pretty good hang out. Summary: Wholesome family fun, or a spectacular place to take a rst date!

Jake Larson practices ringing his bells.

THE MINES FUND FUELS YOUR EDUCATION

Hydropower dates back thousands of years, yet is essential to fueling our future. Much like water generates electricity, The Mines Fund generates essential support for a comprehensive Mines experience, from the M Climb to E-Days, from the classroom to the lab, and to more than 170 student organizations.

Learn how THE MINES FUND has made a difference for you at

giving.mines.edu/students

Katerina Gonzales Lieutenant

Slate hosts free cooking classes to graduating seniors

are even learning how to make homemade chocolate milk. How generous of Slate to make sure these students will be able to eat, as a meager engineering salary requires frugalness, and students are already burnt out

FREE SUMMER STORAGE!

College Student Storage is looking for a campus manager to hand out flyers at the School of Mines in April. We are offering free summer storage and some $$ if you do a good job. Must be a School of Mines student and we prefer a student that lives on campus. If interested, please email us at info@csstorage.com or call 303545-9525

New graduates are not known for their chef skills, often ordering pizza every day and sometimes combining leftovers that do not combine well into one dish. Thankfully, Slate Caf has been offering the chance of a lifetime the past week to seniors expected to graduate in May. Students who will be grad students are not welcome as voted on by student government and are instead offered a two-week course called Scavenging. GSG was fine with the ruling (as they are with most rulings) and said, Aint nobody got time for [cooking]. The free cooking classes have been a huge success thus far, with seniors learning how to make favorites such as omelets and paninis. They

on ramen. Said one senior, In all my life I never thought Id be able to accomplish so much at Colorado School of Mines. First my degree, now gourmet cooking! I

COURTESY DESIGNKNOCK.COM

can probably drop out now and get my own cooking show. My grandma will be so proud. Due to these free classes, along with senioritis, many CSM seniors are expected to drop out, but administration knows they will be okay since they now know how to feed themselves. However, the number of students will not decline in the long run. Due to the huge success of Slates classes, Mines is in the process of getting a Culinary Arts degree program added to the bulletin. Said one admin, We want to eventually compete with Johnson and Wales University as the best food college in the state. In the meantime, Mines graduates will continue to be the best gift to the world as not only amazing, smart, and good-looking engineers, but also as the premier cooks of the west.

w w w . O R E D I G G E R . n e t

page 6

School to use civil eng. A series of unmajors for slave-labor fortunate events
Emily McNair Vice Admiral
Civil engineers partaking in field session this summer will have a new challenge to contend with: updating campus buildings. The recent influx of students has increased the need for larger lecture halls and current buildings are being used to capacity. Incoming freshmen classes keep growing, which has been putting strain on already aging facilities. More and more students crowd small classrooms and residence halls are often over capacity. To compensate, Mines can do one of two things: increase the number of buildings or increase the capacity of those it already has. Rather than increase the number of buildings on campus and remove Kafadar Commons, the administration is looking to make current buildings taller. Well be asking our students to both strengthen current structures as well as add additional floors, a source close to the administration explained. This allows Mines to keep with its master plan while providing the best possible facilities to our students. During field session, civil engineering students will be asked to select one of four buildings: Alderson Hall, Berthoud Hall, Meyer Hall, or the Green Center. They will suggest ways to strengthen the current structure to allow for more floors as well as propose layouts for two additional floors. The layouts must include at least one lecture hall and should include a computer lab. This new construction should use primarily recycled materials while keeping with the original design of the building. An outside firm will rate these upgrades and select the best. Those that are selected will be implemented within the next ten years. The students that suggested the winning designs will receive $6. Students gave mixed reviews on this change to field session. I like the idea, Bob Schmidt said, but I hope this isnt just an attempt to extort us. Why should we be paying them so that we can create designs for them? Other students were more hopeful. At least well have a chance to leave our mark on campus, Sherri White said. Professors, however, were against the change. Not all of my students want to design buildings, a professor explained, We ought to provide this opportunity as a variation to field session rather than require all of our students to do it. Students do have the choice to delay field session until this temporary change has expired. However, most students will instead take this opportunity to show Mines what they think of this plan. Ill make sure to create an ugly fifth floor for Alderson, an unnamed student said, and Ill laugh when everyones stuck with it. The administration is looking for more opinions on this proposal for changing field session. Comments can be sent to fakefieldsession@ mines.edu.

f e a t u r e s

march 31, 2014

Evan Ford Red Shirt

Robots take over Mines

Hope Sisley Red Shirt
I have to write quickly, before the engineers of our forthcoming apocalypse can track my IP address. My escape was hard-won, and I know this revelation will lead surely to my destruction, but the world must know, at any cost. The unthinkable has occurred. The professors and staff you trusted to guide your education and development have betrayed you, have pulled the proverbial wool over your collective eyes, oh fellow students! Each night, while you trudged blearyeyed from your flickering computer screens, eager for the embrace of sleep, a secret lair far beneath Kafadar Commons has been bursting to life! Yes, oh miners, right beneath your feet, the cogs of your destruction have been relentlessly turning, and now you have no choice but to run or be crushed. It all began some thirty years ago, when then-president Dr. Guy McBride was approached by a mysterious scientist claiming to have invented the ultimate weapon against the Soviet machine. He was taken in by the scientists smooth talk, and soon had signed away half of the schools operating budget to pursue the project. Though the Soviet Union fell, the project continued, unknown to anyone but the tenured faculty and the janitorial staff. Now, at long last, the true goal of the project - world domination - is within their grasp. What is this terrifying project? What is this superweapon hidden beneath your very noses? It is none other than a robotic army numbering in the thousands - nay, tens of thousands! Each unit in this army carries a thermonuclear warhead, has an adaptive artificial intelligence system, and bears the strength of a grizzly, the agility of a marmoset, and the speed of a cheetah. The robots have been trained like the ninja warriors of old, learning stealth, hand-to-hand combat, acrobatics, and, most importantly, how to kill instantly and undetectably. Once equipped with human disguises, these killing machines will be dispatched into the populace, and President Scoggins and his emeritus underlings will be poised to take over the world. No demand will be beyond their capacity, no conquest too daring for their synthetic soldiers. It is enough to chill even the bravest of hearts. I, your intrepid Gold Digger reporter, stumbled upon this horrifying secret on accident while researching a story about the Mines heating system. Beneath the steam tunnels, beneath the sewers, lies a vast vault which seems to stretch, not only under the school itself, but under all of Golden and even under Table Mountain and the Coors Brewery. Indeed, the conspiracy stretches to the Coors family as well, who appear to have financed the building of the army. In this massive man-made cavern, a production line turns out two robots per hour a production line that has been running since 1983. The scale of this operation is staggering. After they roll off of the factory conveyer belt, the robots are trained in large groups, delivering precisely synchronized roundhouse kicks in a huge group in a cement chamber

Obama begins senior slide

Chris Oestreich Red Shirt
President Obama announced today that he is entering his senior slide for the last two years of his second term. Similar to when high school seniors check out for their final spring semester, Obama will spend his last two years in office slacking off. When asked for a comment the President had this to say: Come on guys. I got Obama-care enacted, what else do you want from me? I cant wait to just chill and coast through these last two years. When asked what he plans to fill his time with, he responded: I dont know Ive been meaning to finally restore my old Trans Am and Michelles been pushing me to start scrap book-

large enough for the entire population of the School of Mines to fit inside all at once. The chosen faculty who run the project stand watch, leading the exercises or simply overseeing them. In another room, silicone human skins are produced to be fitted over each of the robots, each skin made to match a different human. The humans selected to be replaced by robots will be kidnapped and sent to a desert island in the South Pacific where they will live out their days as slave labor, making small plastic hula dancers to be sold to tourists in Hawaii and Tahiti. As if this were not nefarious enough, the programming for the robots has been outsourced to none other but yourselves, the students of Mines. Each homework assignment, essay and test that you are given is a thinly veiled piece of the robot armys training. Your blood, sweat, and tears are ensuring that these robots can better approximate human behavior when the day of judgment comes. That is correct, Mines students. Your hard work is being used, without your knowledge, to further the universitys plans to bend the world to their will, yourselves included. No sooner had I learned this shocking information than I was detected by the facilitys intruder sensors, and was forced to flee for my life. I have been on the run ever since, and am sending this in hopes that this may save others from my own fate. Even now I can hear them coming down the hall for me. Run, people of Golden! Run for your lives while you still can! Oh no, there they azsfvfbrtvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

Peter Mooncrest Sandoval (PMS, as indicated by the initials recorded on the borehole logs recorded on 2/25/06 [Exhibit A]) performed poorly on the tasks assigned to him, which eventually led to the termination of his entry-level geologic consultant position at a Geotechnical firm. On the night of Februrary 24, 2006, Peter was preparing a homemade meal for his girlfriend (lets call her Sylvia) of six years. He returned from work that Friday evening and began preparing a 3-course meal; he was planning to propose that night. During the meal, Sylvia announced she was leaving Peter for another man. She got up and left in tears mid-meal, and ran to her car parked across the street. As she left, two very important events took place: (1) Peters Yorkshire Terrier, Mustafa, rushed out the door to chase Sylvia, and (2) Peter also got up to follow her, and in a distraught and hurried motion he accidently placed the corner of his napkin over a pomegranate-asparagus candle. Event 1 led to Mustafa being killed in a brutal hit-and-run accident involving a blue sedan. Peter had to watch this take place, scarring him further. As he tended to Mustafa in a hopeless effort to save his only stable friend in the past 10 years, he failed to notice the repercussions of Event 2: the smoke rising from his recently purchased 2 story ranch style home.

Emily McNair Vice Admiral

(Insert Headline)

He had been planning to buy this home since his sophomore year of college. The flames spread quickly and engulfed the entire first floor in minutes. The fire department arrived shortly, but in their haste they re-ran over Mustafa with their 25-ton fire truck. Peter could only watch as he could not warn the driver over the piercing call of the sirens. Only the cast iron salt and pepper shakers that Sylvia had given him for their 4th anniversary endured the inferno that had destroyed not only Peters house, but also his dreams. It was at this time that Peter received a phone call on his flip-phone Motorola that he was required to work the following day, which happened to be a Saturday. Peter slept in his car that night, attempting to use work as an escape from this nasty turn of events. His rear passenger side window was left slightly open and a small family of raccoons slipped into his car and urinated on his PPE and shoes, and the rancid stench that followed led to a lack of sleep and further sobbing. As you can see, Peters night was one to be forgotten, and his behavior and mistakes made in the field on February 25, 2006 were due to a shattered emotional state and severe lack of sleep. Perhaps his one true mistake was allowing his determination and desire to please to keep him from telling his superior about his situation. Instead, he attempted, to the best of his ability, to sample the two boreholes assigned to him.

ing with her but I havent had time up until now. Itll just be nice to not have to worry about drone strikes or NSA wiretapping for a change. After the Presidents statement, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced that Obama will be available if anyone wants to rock some Skynyrd and pound some beers with him on the White House lawn.

The administration has recently approved USGs proposal to install sleeping rooms in every campus building. These sleeping rooms will provide a safe, quiet place for students to nap in between classes. Each room will be equipped with five beds and fifteen recliners. Student workers will keep these rooms clean and supervise the sleeping students. These rooms will be open Monday through Friday from 8 am to 5 pm. There will be a 50 minute limit that will be strictly enforced by the student workers. They will likely use air horns to rapidly wake all of the sleeping students. Students belongings will be locked in chests beneath the beds or behind the recliners to prevent theft. Additionally, students will not be able to share beds with other students. Undergraduates are very supportive of the initiative. Thank goodness well have a place on campus to sleep, Luke Black said. Im tired of napping in the big window in Hill. Id rather have a bed, said Amy Jones. Graduate students, however, had a vastly different take on the issue. Home is for sleeping, said Susan Hu, when I am at school, I need to be working. Other graduate students agreed and have started a petition to stop the initiative. They need 2,000 signatures before the administration will consider their views. The petition can be found on the bulletin board in Engineering Hall from noon to 12:15 pm every day. Professors have mixed opinions on the initiative. Several professors in the geology department have reacted positively to the proposed change; however, professors in the chemical

and biological engineering department have expressed disgust. We need our students working as hard as they can, said a professor who preferred not to be named, giving them a sleeping room is simply going to distract them even more from their studies. Professors in the mechanical and petroleum engineering departments have expressed similar sentiments. The administration has been ignoring these requests, noting that sleeping rooms make the campus more appealing to undergraduates. How many schools in the country have dedicated rooms for napping? a spokesperson said. Mines has always been on the forefront of innovation, and we hope this innovation will help us attract more of the best and brightest students to join us. Prospective students have been quite receptive to the change and many of them have expressed increased desires to attend Mines due to the change. I love being able to relax between my classes, Catherine Hale said. Its great to know that I wont have to walk all the way home to get some rest during the day, said Alex Kerney. The sleeping rooms are scheduled to be added to campus within the next few years. Students can submit design ideas to USG at their next meeting; however, it is unclear how much of the students input will be used in the final design. Many speculate that the administration has already purchased furniture for these proposed rooms and is simply waiting until the end of the semester to move in the furniture and update classrooms for their new purpose, but this has yet to be confirmed. The administration is not taking public comments on this project.

w w w . O R E D I G G E R . n e t

march 31, 2014

Mike Rotch Red Shirt

Hordes of unknown enti- Game Review Rock Paper Scissors ties once again descend upon campus
Jordan Francis Red Shirt
changes over time. Dentists clean teeth. Dentist Olde N. Gay has only observed the mysterious creatures around campus in passing as he feeds the squirrels outside of Alderson. In reality, the creatures wandering in herds are victims of the Great Predator who feeds on the souls of hopefuls. Because hopefuls can no longer be found in our world, creatures outside of our world must be found for it to feed on. Like a Venus fly trap, the creatures are lured in by the beautiful promises of a good career, high pay, and a fun college experience. The herds seen wandering around campus, often led by minions of the Great Predator, are being tempted to sacrifice themselves and their souls in return for a better tomorrow. The awaiting torture that Dentist Olde N. Gay describes in his article is yet unknown to the hopeful and enthusiastic creatures being lured into the jaws of the Great Predator, to which most of us have already fallen victim. But as a dentist, he views the impending torture as an initiation rite instead of something to warn the naive creatures to avoid. Rock Paper Scissors (RPS) is a classic free-to-play multiplayer strategy game with no antipiracy restrictions. There are sites and applications available that allow players to game against a set program of moves or an AI, but the full version of the game can be downloaded for free off of any site where one can find instructions or off of any other player who already owns the game. The game was first created and released by some unknown indie developers in Asia during the Hang Dynasty, where it was called Shoushiling, which translates roughly to hand command. Eventually, as with many games from Asia, it grew in popularity with the Western crowd, who managed to import the game to their countries, translating it into many languages. The English translation was eventually retitled as Rock Paper Scissors. As with many classic games, the mechanics of the gameplay are fairly simple. Two or more players position themselves so that they can all see each others hands. In the English version, the players then make one hand into a fist and move it up and down three to four times as they chant three to four words, most commonly rock, paper, scissors or rock, paper, scissors, shoot. On the third or fourth word (depending on which version players are using), players take the hand that was making a fist and use it to display their chosen element. A flat hand signifies paper. A fist with the index and middle finger sticking out indicates scissors. A hand that remains a fist is a rock. These three elements are a bit of a rip-off of the concept of starter Pokmon from the popular Pokmon game series in that each element is strong against one of the other two elements and weak against the second. In this case, instead of fire, water, and grass, players have to choose between rock (which beats scissors and loses to paper), paper (which beats rock and loses to scissors), or scissors (which beats paper and loses to rock). After all players have showed their weapons of choice, players compare to see whose elements have emerged victorious. If two of the same elements are thrown, they tie and players must replay the round to determine a victor. This process can be repeated as often as necessary or until players get bored. The great thing about this game is it does not require a console or a computer, so there is no DRM or any other sort of always online requirement. The only main necessary compatibility checks are thus: players must ensure

f e a t u r e s

page 07

Review Corner: Twilight: The single greatest movie of all time

John Bristow Klingon
It is almost a human trait to review all that is around us. From refrigerators to potential mates, very little in society is capable of escaping the fine tooth comb of obsessive rating geeks. There is one aspect of society that tends to be immune from the ever present spotlight of the reviewers mind, that being the reviews themselves. Much as Alan Moore brought about the phrase Who watches the Watchmen? in the 1987 comic book classic Watchmen, this article seeks to answer the question: who reviews the reviews? The answer is of course, (and to break the standards of journalistic writing for a second by using the first person), me, thats who. The article Twilight: the Single Greatest Movie of All Time by renowned film critic BlueRose676 starts out dramatically with the captivating phrase, There is a great, followed by a resounding flow of words that emphasize the writers thoughts. For a whole paragraph the writer captivates the reader by building up the topic of the review without giving any indication of what the topic is. What is truly stunning about this style is the sheer tenacity of the descriptions that inevitably lead to the great mental and physical release that is the announcement of the review topic. The words themselves are so gripping that to echo them here would ruin any vestige of the sheer writing talent of BlueRose676. Words such as possibly, wept, gasped, persist, and eternity, grip the mind of the reader to prepare it for the emotional roller coaster that is to follow. The release that is embodied by the reveal of the subject is truly one of the most momentous events in review history, paralleled only by the greats such as Tom Wolfe and the late Hunter S. Thompson. It is not the goal of this article to spoil that surprise either. The following section is marked not only by the much more jovial tone of an impassioned reviewer, but by the exclamations of someone who truly understands the work that is being reviewed. The over-abundance of exclamation marks grasps the punctuation mark and removes it from its typical environment of teenage girls and plants it firmly and surprisingly in the realm of serious reviews. It is likely that even the most hardened reader will weep for joy from the contents of the first two body paragraphs. The use of the informal tone in these paragraphs challenges what a review can be, and with it, changes what reviews should strive to in the future. To best describe the emotions of the following list in the next section of the review, one word in particular from the review can be used: smexy. If there was ever a harbinger of the power of this article, that would indeed be the

Aside from being written by an outdated biologist, the previous article written about the strange herds of creatures wandering around campus was based on very little observations. Dr. Olde N. Gray isnt even a real doctor; hes a dentist. Many people complain that dentists are doctors too, but they only focus on a single part of the human body. Medical doctors spend a decade studying every part of the human body, what can go wrong with it, and how it

Hordes of unknown entities come to Mines

Dr. Olde N. Gray Chief Medical Officer
Just as has happened for the past few decades, these past few weeks have been marked by strange visitors on campus. Reports from the field indicate that these strange beings appear to be happy and enthusiastic for the future and are often surrounded by other individuals who are equally or even more excited for the future than the focal entity. Each of these packs are lead by a chipper guide creature. While attempts to determine the exact nature of these visits have failed, those who have spent many years observing this event have come to the conclusion that they are either interdimensional beings who appear to be excited for the prospect of four or more years of arduous torture, or they are simply figments of the campus imagination, echoing back to a time where time was not spent aimlessly staring at computer screens and graphing calculators. Since very little is known about these creatures, it is recommended that students do their best to avoid them as they have been known to bring back memories of failed ambitions and hopes of the future.

choice description. BlueRose676 takes the centerpiece of the review to break down the review topic into five distinct points, each more insightful than the last. It is critical to take a break after each to let the impact of the statement follow through. Like a one-two punch to the mind, the list section is poignant and shocking. If the reader of the review has not yet been convinced to step out of their comfort zone to partake in the topic, the last few paragraphs are custom built with meticulous precision to entice the reader. Like a carefully trained sniper using the best technology, BlueRose676 sends each of her points into the minds and hearts of the readers, to a truly magnificent effect. As with all reviews, there is heartbreak involved in the third to last paragraph. All unbiased opinions are thrown out as the reviews, and hopefully the readers embrace the well thought out phrasing having to do with the tortuous history of the topic. Needless to say, the emotional roller coaster returns to a high in the triumphant finale of the article. As the review finishes and the final rating is given out, the review invokes the strength of Citizen Kane. Through all of the power and sheer emotion of the review, Twilight: the Single Greatest of All Time, ruins the reviewing playing field like a student who gets a perfect grade in a class where the average is a 56%. Two thumbs way, way up.

beforehand that all participants are using the same version of RPS, or else players may wind up showing their chosen elements at different times. Additionally, it is usually a good idea for players to establish the number of rounds beforehand, lest hardcore players or those on a losing streak try to introduce unwanted extended versions of the game. Due to its open-source policy and general lack of restrictions, RPS has a thriving mod community. While some mods can get complex and creative, it is not difficult to get into this community. In fact, grade school children frequently create some of what are considered the best or most mods to the game. Most of the modifications add weapons to the players choice of elements, such as fire, gun, and meteor. These mods are easy to find and use, but are banned in tournament play and will only be tolerated by certain players. Some groups of RPS gamers encourage the use of mods to make play more exciting, though many more groups consider using any elements outside of the core three to be cheating. These groups will suspend or ban players who use these mods, especially if players do not establish beforehand that their version feature such additions. In addition to the modding community, Rock Paper Scissors has somewhat recently released downloadable content in the form of the Lizard Spock expansion. This DLC has gained popularity in recent years, especially among those who found the original gameplay to be somewhat repetitive and predictable. The Lizard Spock expansion seeks to fix the problem of predictability by adding two new elements to the players set of choices: Lizard and Spock. Lizard poisons Spock and eats paper, but is decapitated by scissors and crushed by rock. Spock vaporizes rock and smashes or breaks scissors, but is poisoned by lizard and disproved by paper. All rules of the original three elements still apply and the remainder of the interaction rules can be derived by combining those with the new rules. This expansion pack allows for more possible outcomes between players and thus makes the game a bit more difficult and engaging. Overall, Rock Paper Scissors is a fun game with a rich history. It makes for an entertaining game and an effective decision-making process, particularly with the use of the expansion pack. It is free to play and easy to obtain and set up, so players who have not checked this game out really have nothing to lose by trying it out.

It is not certain if these creatures have any relation to the much more mature creatures who appear out of the woodwork around the first home football game in the fall, promising bright futures full of green pieces of paper, but recent studies think it may all be some form of divine torture.

w w w . O R E D I G G E R . n e t

page 8

BCS correction: Mines deemed champs

Chris Robbins Red Shirt
The NCAA is back in the news once again for a potentially monumental mistake on their part. However, the newest topic of discussion regarding the governing body of collegiate athletics is much more than a mere tournament snub (a yearly occurrence), recruiting violation (again, an annual thing nowadays), or a player overconsumption-of-food violation (#pastagate, never forget), but rather the awarding of a recent national championship trophy to the wrong team. Its hard to imagine anybody, even the notoriously inept NCAA, bungling something high profile. But as emerging data from the highly credible people at MyTeamIsBetterThanYourTeam.com suggests, the BCS championships crystal football trophy should actually be on display not at Florida State University but right here in Golden at the Colorado School of Mines. How could that be? one might ask, as the Seminoles capped off a perfect 14-0 season competing in college footballs highest level, while the Orediggers posted a respectable, though not spectacular, 8-3 mark in Division II. A valid question, but the methodology of the folks at MTIBTYT.com uses logic implying that final records might not be everything. More importantly, their algorithm for crowning a potential champion places heavy on the quality of a teams competition, namely: 1) who a team has beaten, 2) who those defeated teams have beaten, and in the case of FSU not 3) how teams have fared against similar opponents. Each individual game in this successive chain of Team A beat Team B, who beat Team C etc., known as rounds, is assigned a score relative to the final scores of these games in question. These individual scores are then combined and compared vs. any other team in the NCAA (in this case Florida State). Now that the methodological background has been put into place, all one needs to do is apply it to the 2013-14 football season to see that CSM does in fact merit some consideration in a hypothetical re-crowning of the seasons football champion, as the Orediggers actually best the Seminoles in 15 rounds by a combined score of 582-427. But while the evidence is great and the claim is legitimate, CSM can talk and lobby and protest all it wants and it is virtually guaranteed that nothing will come of it. The NCAA never likes to admit that it can be wrong and rarely does, so this debate will more than likely end up being one more that is swept under their rug and never spoken of again. So move over 2003 Southern California, 2004 Auburn, 2008 Utah, and 2010 TCU. Make room for the 2013 Orediggers at the table of recent teams that were robbed of a shot at the football national title.

s p o r t s

march 31, 2014

DENVER, CO . APRIL 4-6, 2014

w w w . O R E D I G G E R . n e t