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quote Quotes About Funny

Quotes tagged as "funny" (showing 61-90 of 3,000)

Jarod Kintz I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it's relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one? Jarod Kintz tags: ethics, funny, grades, humor, iq, kidnap, kidnapping, money, people, ransom, relationships, school, wealth, work-ethic 1505 likes Like Gena Showalter Ten Things You Shouldn't Say on a Date. 1. You're wearing that? 2. Something smells funny. 3. Where's the Tylenol? 4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother. 5. I have a confession to make 6. My dad has a suit just like that. 7. That man is hot. Look at him. 8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever 9. You're going to order that? Seriously? 10. You're how old? Gena Showalter, Animal Instincts tags: dating, funny 1419 likes Like Lauren Myracle You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle! Lauren Myracle, ttfn tags: funny, humor, waffles 1343 likes Like Charles M. Schulz This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this. Charles M. Schulz tags: cute, funny, sad, stupid 1290 likes Like Richelle Mead

Hey Mason, wipe the drool off your face. If you're going to think about me naked, do it on your own time." [...] "This is my time, Hathaway. I'm leading today's session." "Oh yeah?" I retorted. "Huh. Well, I guess this is a good time to think about me naked, then." "It's always a good a time to think about you naked," added someone nearby, breaking the tension further. Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy tags: funny 1219 likes Like Richelle Mead A ghostly smile flickered across his face. "If you weren't so psychotic, you'd be fun to hang around." "Funny, I feel that way about you too." He didn't say anything else, but the smile grew, and he walked away. Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy tags: christian, funny, rose 1150 likes Like Jarod Kintz I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each others hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are. Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale tags: absurd, funny, funny-quotes, gloves, holding-hands, humor, humor-quotes, in-love, life, love, relationships, witty-quotes 1050 likes Like Mae West Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided. Mae West tags: funny 984 likes Like Jarod Kintz If I told you Ive worked hard to get where Im at, Id be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now. Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale tags: concept, dedication, funny, hard-work, idea, location, lying, perserverance, silly, success 973 likes Like Charlaine Harris If there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands downor cheeks up. Charlaine Harris, Dead to the World

tags: funny, sookie-eric 963 likes Like Jarod Kintz When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance. Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me tags: dating, dental-insurance, friendship, funny, humor, life, women 947 likes Like Laurell K. Hamilton Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright. Laurell K. Hamilton, Burnt Offerings tags: anita-blake, bad-ass, funny 924 likes Like Bill Watterson You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!! Bill Watterson tags: calvin-and-hobbes, comic, education, funny, school 908 likes Like Jarod Kintz You know what I like most about people? Pets. Jarod Kintz, Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life tags: affection, funny, humor, misanthrope, people, pet, pets, relationships 905 likes Like Rick Riordan She said this in the same way you might say Fields of Punishment or Hades's gym shorts. Rick Riordan, The Titan's Curse tags: funny, humor 893 likes Like Rodney Dangerfield I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers. Rodney Dangerfield tags: funny, humour, neighborhoods 893 likes Like Pseudonymous Bosch Books can also provoke emotions. And emotions sometimes are even more troublesome than ideas. Emotions have led people to do all sorts of things they later regret-like, oh, throwing a book at someone else.

 Pseudonymous Bosch, The Name of This Book Is Secret tags: anime, emotions, funny, humor, manga, provoke, troublesome 882 likes Like Jarod Kintz She didn't say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse "I love you" with "May I take your order? Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81. tags: beauty, cashier, confusion, daydreaming, delusional, fantasy, funny, humor, love, thought 868 likes Like Jennifer L. Armentrout Remind me," he paused, drawing in a stuttered gasp, "to never piss you off again. Christ, are you secretly a ninja? Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian tags: daemon, funny, katy, ninja 838 likes Like Jarod Kintz If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public. Jarod Kintz tags: funny, funny-quotes, humor, humor-quotes, sex, sexual-stamina, shoes, witty-quotes 832 likes Like Jarod Kintz If I saw you hitchhiking, Id smile and return your thumbs up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence. Jarod Kintz tags: funny, hitchhiking, influence, inspirational, positive-influence, smile 820 likes Like Holly Black Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks. Holly Black, Ironside tags: corny, funny, ironside 783 likes Like C. JoyBell C. I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman! C. JoyBell C. tags: funny, good-and-bad, humor, humour, life, life-and-living, woman, woman-s-character, womanhood, women 780 likes Like

Laurie Halse Anderson Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can't help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers. Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak tags: accurate, drowsiness, funny 741 likes Like Orson Scott Card Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty." Gideon Wyeth:"Why?" Ethan: "Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty. Orson Scott Card tags: advent-rising, funny, humour, stupid 730 likes Like Jarod Kintz I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy. Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me tags: clever, eggs, funny, relationships, witty 687 likes Like Jarod Kintz I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair. Jarod Kintz, I Want tags: absurd, beards, children, dada, funny, funny-quotes, humor, humorous-quotations, kids, life, life-surreal, random, strange, witty-quotes 676 likes Like Confucius The funniest people are the saddest once Confucius tags: funny, people, sad 675 likes Like Jarod Kintz I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side. Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me tags: cheating, cranberries, dating, funny, humor, music, relationships, romance, turkey, women 663 likes Like Jarod Kintz

I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And Id love nothing more than to drink it. Jarod Kintz, I Want Two apply for a job at our country's largest funeral home, and then wear a suit and noose to the job interview. tags: absurd, america, drink, funny, humor, love, novel, silly, universe, write, writing 562 likes Like