Thank You for Smoking script Robin Williger. He is a 15-year-old freshman from Racine, Wisconsin. He enjoys studying history.

He's on the debate team. Robin's future looked very, very bright, but recently he was diagnosed with cancer, a very tough kind of cancer. Robin tells me he has quit smoking, though, and he no longer thinks that cigarettes are cool. (applause) Whoo! And our final guest today is Nick Naylor. Mr. Naylor is the vice president of the Academy of Tobacco Studies. Now, they are the tobacco industry's main lobby in Washington, D.C. And Mr. Naylor is their chief spokesman. (audience murmuring) (booing, hissing) NICK: Few people on this planet know what it is to be truly despised. Can you blame them? I earn a living fronting an organization that kills 1,200 human beings a day. 1,200 people. We're talking two jumbo jet plane loads of men, women and children. I mean, there's Attila, Genghis, and me, Nick Naylor, the face of cigarettes... the Colonel Sanders of nicotine. This is where I work, the Academy of Tobacco Studies. It was established by seven gentlemen you may recognize from C-SPAN. These guys realized quick if they were going to claim that cigarettes were not addictive, they better have proof. This is the man they rely on, Erhardt Von Grupten Mundt. They found him in Germany. I won't go into the details. He's been testing the link between nicotine and lung cancer for 30 years and hasn't found any conclusive results. The man's a genius. He could disprove gravity. Then we've got our sharks. We draft them out of Ivy League law schools and give them timeshares and sports cars. It's just like a John Grisham novel-you know, without all the espionage.

Most importantly, we've got spin control. That's where I come in. I get paid to talk. I don't have an MD or law degree. (shutter clicking) (machine gun firing) I have a bachelor's in kicking ass and taking names. You know that guy who can pick up any girl? I'm him on crack. (cheers, applause) This is obviously a heated issue and we do have a lot that we want to cover today. - JOAN: Nick, do you have a question? - NICK: Joan, how on earth would Big Tobacco profit off of the loss of this young man? Now, I hate to think in such callous terms, but, if anything, we'd be losing a customer. It's not only our hope, it's in our best interest to keep Robin alive and smoking. - RON: That's ludicrous. - NICK: Let me tell you something, Joan, and please, let me share something with the fine, concerned people in the audience today. The Ron Goodes of this world... want the Robin Willigers to die. - RON: What? - NICK: You know why? So that their budgets will go up. This is nothing less than trafficking in human misery, and you, sir, ought to be ashamed of yourself. - RON: I ought to be ashamed of myself? - NICK: As a matter of fact, we're about to launch... a $50 million campaign aimed at persuading kids not to smoke. Because I think that we can all agree that there is nothing more important than America's children. - JOAN: All right, now, that's something that we're going to want to know more about. But I have to take a short break. Hang on, a lot more coming. (applause) - BR: $50 million?! Are you out of your fucking mind?! NICK: Everyone has a boss. BR just happens to be mine. He came from the vending machine world. This made him tough. The name BR came from his tour in Vietnam. The people who know its meaning are all dead. - BR: The deal was five million! - NICK: $5 million will get you a couple of subway posters. It's not going to impress anyone. - BR: That's the idea, Nick.

- NICK: You'll be thanking me soon. This'll probably get you great press. - BR: I gotta call the captain and see if this is gonna fly. Get your ass back to D.C. (applause nearby) (door opening) TEACHER: Thank you so much for coming. Mr. Naylor? It's your turn. Joey is such a bright young man. We all look forward to his coming out of his shell a little. He's a bit shy. NICK: Yeah, he gets that from his mother. (whisper): Hey, Joey. JOE: Please don't ruin my childhood. NICK: Come on, Joey. Trust me. How many of you want to be lawyers when you grow up? Right. How about... movie stars? (laughing) How about lobbyists? KIDS: What's that? NICK: It's kind of like being a movie star. It's what I do. I talk for a living. KIDS: What do you talk about? NICK: I speak on behalf of cigarettes. GIRL: My mom used to smoke. She says that cigarettes kill. NICK: Really? Now, is your mommy a doctor? GIRL: No. NICK: A scientific researcher of some kind? GIRL: No. NICK: Well, she doesn't exactly sound like a credible expert, now, does she? Don't feel bad. It's okay to listen to your mom. I mean, it's good to listen to your parents... Joey. All I'm suggesting is that there will always be people trying to tell you what to do and what to think. There probably already are people doing that. Am I right? KI DS: Yes. NICK: I'm here to say that when someone tries to act like some sort of an expert, you can respond, "Who says?" GIRL: So, cigarettes are good for you? TEACHER: No! - No, that's not... NICK: That's not what I'm getting at. My point is that you have to think for yourself. You have to challenge authority. If your parents told you that chocolate was dangerous, would you just take their word for it? KI DS: No. NICK: Exactly. So perhaps instead of acting like sheep when it comes to cigarettes, you should find out for yourself. TEACHER: Okay, then. Thank you, Mr. Naylor, for joining us.

(light applause) NICK: Every week we meet here at Bert's. Together, we represent the chief spokespeople for the tobacco, alcohol and firearms industries. We call ourselves the MOD Squad. All right.

M-O-D, Merchants of Death. POLLY: So, my day's ruined. NICK: Why? POLLY: Dateline's doing a segment on fetal alcohol syndrome. Thank you.

NICK: Polly works for the Moderation Council. A casual drinker by the age of 14, Polly quickly developed a tolerance usually reserved for Irish dockworkers. In our world, she's the woman that got the pope to endorse red wine. POLLY: We're gonna get creamed. Any ideas? NICK: I don't know. Deformed kids are tough. I'm lucky my product only makes them bald before it kills them. BOBBY JAY: You could hug the kids. POLLY: They're not going to let me hug the kids. NICK: Who's doing the segment, Donaldson or Sawyer? POLLY: Sawyer, probably. BOBBY JAY: You're fucked. POLLY: Why? BOBBY JAY: Cause she's gonna hug them. Look, if you see her going in for a hug, maybe just box her out, get in there before she does.

NICK: Bobby Jay works for SAFETY, The Society for the Advancement of Firearms and Effective Training for Youth. BOBBY JAY: You want me to smile?

NICK: After watching the footage of the Kent State shootings, Bobby Jay, then 17, signed up for the National Guard so he, too, could shoot college students. But the National Guard recruiter was out to lunch, so Bobby Jay ended up shooting Panamanians instead, which was almost as good as college students. (gunshot) Only they shoot back. BOBBY JAY: You know, you can beat a Breathalyzer - by sucking on activated charcoal tablets? - Really? POLLY: Maybe we should change our campaign to "If You Must Drink and Drive, Suck Charcoal." Yeah, but don't the police wonder why you're sucking on charcoal? There's no law against charcoal. Yet. - Yet.