Professor Kesler

CRW 3013: The Circle

Kevin O'Neal

The Circle I turned the silicon covered steering wheel of my 1994 TransAm Firebird to guide the vehicle into the grass lot on the side of the road. Slowly, my foot pressed on the brakes as the tires climbed the small bump of the curb to get to the parking section. My face winced in anticipation of the bottom of my maroon car scraping, but relaxed when no screeching sounds of metal on concrete came to my ears. Letting a small breath of relief escape my lips, I brought my car over to an open space and lined it up directly behind another vehicle. I turned the key and took it out of its slot before looking over at the passenger seat. There, across from me, sat the most beautiful woman I have ever seen: Rachel. I was lucky enough to call her my girlfriend, but that honor was on shaky grounds. About two weeks ago, she had brought up my moving away to go off to college. She was going to stay in the area, but I was going to a college seven hours away. Not the vastest of distances, but still a very notable one, especially since she had no car or other viable way of getting to me; I would have to be the one to travel. Several times I had tried to reassure her that we would be fine and that I didn't have issues driving over to visit as often as I could. At least once a month was my goal and I thought that it was a reasonable one with the holidays and also since I only had a morning class on Fridays that I could drive up after. But she had voiced her own worries about the strain of having a long distance relationship and how she wasn't sure if she could do it. Tonight was an attempt to get away from the recent topics of hot debate and to have some fun with each other. Throughout much of the summer we had visited a little place that had swing dancing on Friday nights. It was open to everyone and the first hour or so was dedicated to learning the basics to swing dancing. After that, there were several hours to dance and even a room specifically set aside to try and learn new moves without being in the middle of a crowd of

Professor Kesler

CRW 3013: The Circle

Kevin O'Neal

other dancers. To try and make her night, I was planning on flipping her over my shoulder, a move that I had learned a week or so before we started talking about the future of our relationship. "Well," I began, "we're here safe and sound. You ready to have some fun." She produced a smile and that was all I needed, but she added a verbal answer for me, "You bet." With that, we opened our doors and stepped onto the overgrown grassy lot. I reached back to the door to hit the lock switch before shutting my door and meeting my girlfriend at the end of my car, where she was waiting, her door already closed. For a moment before I joined her I simply gazed at her. Tonight was a special night, and as such we had both dressed up nicely and were feeling fine. She had on a smooth, shiny, silky dress with thin diagonal lines of black and a few shades of silver running the dress's length to her knees. Two short threads were pulled up and tied behind her neck to support her top and a small zipper on the back of the dress ran down from her bust to her hips. She had a small black purse hanging from her shoulder, where one hand was grasping the long strap lightly. Her fingernails and toenails had a fresh coat of black nail polish on them. And covering her feet was a pair of scarlet high heels that featured a small opening for her toes and also showed off the top of her foot. At the tops of the heels was a small strap that ran about her ankle. "She looks beautiful," I thought. And then I quickly looked down at myself. I sported a somewhat faded silver button down shirt with the top button undone to boast my plain white T-Shirt underneath it; the sleeves were neatly rolled up to just above the elbows. At my waist was a plain, worn black belt that kept my slightly faded black dress pants up. On my

Professor Kesler

CRW 3013: The Circle

Kevin O'Neal

feet, I had some dress shoes which had a slight crease from where I had stood on my toes or had bent down with them on before. And my long black socks showed themselves on occasion whenever I took large steps or did some out of the ordinary moves. Now that I thought about it, I needed some new dress clothes. Rachel looked amazing, and I should at least get a more crisp attire to match her. Though I'm sure that she thought I looked fantastic as well and there would be no real point in bringing up my plans of shopping with her at the moment. Plus it was way too late to do anything about my choice of formal wear anyway. "Jacob?" Rachel asked. I must've been standing there looking at her for too long. "Yeah? Oh, sorry," I said as I offered my hand out to her for her to hold, "I was just stunned with how beautiful you are." Despite our recent arguing, her face flushed for a moment which in turn made me smile, knowing that I had made her feel pretty. My truthful comment had made us both happy and I silently cheered for myself for causing such an event. But then she looked at me and returned the favor in a soft, affectionate voice, "You're pretty handsome yourself." I smiled back and said, "Thanks, babe." We traveled to the end of the makeshift grass parking lot, for there were no lines drawn as to where to actually park, and looked down the narrow street to see if any cars were coming our way. With none close, we made our journey across the blacktop and to the building waiting for us on the other side. There was a wide stoop at the building's entryway with a couple pillars placed at the top of the stairs, holding up the flat roof. Ornate iron railings lined the sides of the stairs on which some people were sitting down and talking. We stepped up the stairs, but I couldn't help

Professor Kesler

CRW 3013: The Circle

Kevin O'Neal

wondering why there were always people out here. It didn't seem to matter what time of the night it was, there was always a group at the stoop. I made a mental note to ask Rachel later, but for now we headed through the doors and into the building where a table lay in front of us. Across from us sat an elderly lady who looked pleasantly at us. I gave a smile back and let go of Rachel's hand as I searched my pocket for my wallet. Once I found it, I pulled it out and opened it up, taking a ten dollar bill out from its folds. "Just the two of us," I said. The lady nodded and took the currency, putting it in a register drawer where other bills lay in their correct spots. Then her hands moved over and grabbed a stamp and pressed it against an ink pad before motioning for our hands. Both of us put our right hand out for her to stamp the top of. As she did, I looked down the table and saw their large tin container filled with ice and drinks. "Hey Rachel, do you have any singles for later?" I asked. I could hear her suppress a giggle and I instantly knew where her mind went. Happiness flowed into me as I felt that we were starting to not think about me moving away and just be ourselves. Before I could clarify my question for money, however, she said, "Yup. I'll cover for us tonight." Shaking my head a bit, I turned back around to see her smiling back at me. Obviously she was still amused. I rolled my eyes, but grinned back before thanking the lady across from the table and making my way, Rachel in tow, away. Before us, directly behind the table we had to stop at to get in, was a large, mostly open room. The floors were wooden and gave off a soft glow from the reflections of the lights overhead. Chairs lined the majority of the side walls while others sat around several tables that were closely filed against a wall, leaving little room for the chairs already against the wall. At the

Professor Kesler

CRW 3013: The Circle

Kevin O'Neal

opposite end of the room was a small stage which lay empty. On either side of the stage were a couple of doors. One led to the stage itself and whatever was hidden on the sides or behind the back curtains. The other door was the only way downstairs, where a small practice room was; it would undoubtedly be filled with people later on if it wasn't already. Like the stoop, the practice room was a popular hangout of many of the regulars. In addition to the doors on either side of the stage, there were two side doors to the main room itself: an exit door, and a door leading to the ladies and gentlemen restrooms. As we began walking to some of the chairs against the wall, I leaned in and asked Rachel, "See any of your friends here tonight?" She took another minute to look around the several dozen people who were already inside and shook her head, "No, I don't think so. But Paul is supposed to be showing up later." "Gotcha," I said, "Anywhere in particular you wanna sit?" "Nope. Let's just go to our usual place a little away from the exit door," said Rachel. After a little walking around to double check to see if any friends were around, we sat down and Rachel took out her phone to check for messages. There were none. "What time is it, sweetie?" I asked. "Umm," she looked for the time stamp on her phone, "8:38." "Oh dang, we're late. Sorry." Though I wasn't terribly worried about it. "They're probably just waiting for some more people. It's supposed to start at 8:30, but for a while now most people come at 9:00," she explained. "Don't worry about it." "Ah. I guess people don't want to go through the intro process anymore, huh?" I asked. I also couldn't help but notice that while she would've normally said such things, she hadn't called

Professor Kesler

CRW 3013: The Circle

Kevin O'Neal

me "baby" or "honey" or anything of the like all night. Or for the past couple of days, to be honest. "Yeah, that could definitely be part of it," she paused. "But it sucks. I'd rather get it rolling to meet people and have more time to dance." Rachel liked to dance. A ton. As such, she had been coming fairly regularly throughout the past couple of years. Soon after we started dating, she invited me along. It was a rough start, although she says that I was a quick learner, but I had become better during the following months. I had even learned how to flip her, which was an exciting achievement and one I was hoping to do again later in the circle. The circle was formed about halfway through the night and all of the dancers would gather in a large circle as the people who were brave enough grabbed a partner and danced in front of everyone, showing off their moves and having their pictures taken while they danced. "Yeah, sorry, babe. I know you like dancing, but it should start up soon enough." I said. Sure enough, a little before 9:00, the owners of the small dance studio put on their headsets and walked into the middle of the large room. I had never officially met them, but their names were Tom and Michelle. Apparently, according to Rachel, they were a cute married couple who were very nice and friendly when you talked to them. I was happy to hear that they enjoyed their weekend dance tutorials, even after doing it for over a decade. "Aaaallll right, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to get the lessons started," Tom stated, his voice booming from the loud speakers. "If all the guys would kindly come to this side of the room," he waved a hand in the air while looking around, "and if the girls would please walk on over to the side my wife is facing." Michelle raised her own hand, "Right over here ladies. Over by the tables."

Professor Kesler

CRW 3013: The Circle

Kevin O'Neal

They waited a minute for everyone to find their place before Tom continued, "Thank you, thank you. We both really appreciate all of you for coming out here and joining us. Now, if this is your first time here, don't worry, we're going to be teaching you the basic steps for swing dancing." Michelle chimed in, "That's right. If you're new, don't worry so much. There are plenty of people that are here for their first time. And we're going to be going through each of the basic steps slowly and several times." There was some shuffling of feet from the nervous ones in the crowd. I looked down for a moment, letting a smile pass over my face. I had once been in their shoes and knew what was going on in their heads. In fact, today I was a little nervous too. Not because I didn't know the basic steps, but because of what I was planning on doing later that night. It was always my goal to go into the circle with Rachel, but I had never mustered up the courage before. On top of that, I felt like the act meant even more now that she wasn't so sure about her and I being together. My smile faded and my own feet moved in anticipation. I needed to be on the top of my game today. Good thing the lessons were first and I could warm up. "Now," Tom said, "all of the guys, please look at me, and all of the girls look at Michelle here. Watch our feet as we count out loud. Okay, so this is the basic move. It's six counts, all right?" He paused for a moment to see if he had everyone's attention. "Okay, now guys, you're going to start by stepping back with your left foot, like this." Tom's foot moved backwards, keeping his heel slightly off of the ground. Michelle took her turn and spoke, "And ladies, you're going to step back with your right foot. This is count one. On count two, you're going to bounce a little on your left foot and bring

Professor Kesler

CRW 3013: The Circle

Kevin O'Neal

your right foot back in line with your left. So one, step back with your right; two, bounce on your left and bring your right back." Tom nodded and waited a moment before he said, "That's right. And guys, same sort of thing. Except remember, you're back with your left foot. Ladies back with your right foot. Gentlemen with your left." He paused, doing the example again. "And then on count three you lean on your left foot. Four, bounce on your left again. Five, lean on your right foot. Six, bounce on your left. Ladies: three, right; four, bounce right; five, left; six, bounce left." "Okay, good, good," Michelle said. "Now, we're going to play some slow music and just practice this six-step. Okay." She waited a moment as Tom pulled out a clicker from his pocket and clicked a button. Slow music began to play. "One, two, three, four, five, six. One, two, three, four, five, six," Michelle repeated several times as the song went on. The rest of the lesson went fairly smoothly. The owners got the participants into a large circle to practice moving with a partner and then every minute or two, the dancers would switch partners. This would happen five times and then the two groups, men and women, would separate again and learn another basic step. After practicing on their own, the circle would start up and more practice with a partner would continue. Eventually, the lessons came to a close and there was a brief intermission before the swing music began playing through the speakers. During this time, I danced with Rachel several times with the basic moves before letting her dance with some people that she knew there. It served a couple of purposes: I needed to go over the moves that I wanted to do in my head again, and also to let her dance with more experienced people. I still felt like I was slowing her down on the dance floor. The way some people moved on the dance floor was amazing. However, I realized that they'd been dancing for quite some time and had a lot of practice under their belts. So I wasn't too downtrodden, but

Professor Kesler

CRW 3013: The Circle

Kevin O'Neal

enough to feel the need to let her dance with others. Watching the experienced dancers on the floor also made me want to get better and learn new moves. And that eventually led me to go downstairs to the practice room, with Rachel right behind me. As luck would have it, we found Paul down there practicing some of his moves and showing others how to them as well. Rachel got excited and, when Paul was free, skipped over to Paul and hugged him. They had met during swing dancing and had been friends for about a year and a half, dancing together often. "Paul!" Rachel yelled as she squeezed him, "It's good to see you again! You haven't been around the past few weeks." "Oh hey, Rachel! It's great to see you, too." He hugged her back for a minute before continuing, "Yeah, sorry. I was out of town with the family, traveling around and visiting grandparents." Paul then looked to me. "Hey, Jacob. Good to see you again too." I smiled back at him and said, "Same to ya. How's the family?" "Yeah, is everything okay?" Rachel asked. Paul smiled and said, "They're fine. It was just something we do every once in a while when we can. Since it's summer, I'm pretty free as long as I clear it with my workplace." He looked at both of us, "What are you guys down here for?" "Jacob wanted to go over a few of the moves," said Rachel. "Yeah, I really wanna get that flip down pat. Also, see if I can't get the Jackhammer one," I said, but my hands were already starting to sweat. Thoughts ran through my head, "Oh man, I'm going to drop her. I better not drop her. But I did last time. And she got hurt." It was the main reason I hadn't done much of the advanced stuff with her this week. And I was also trying to surprise her later with it in the circle.

Professor Kesler

CRW 3013: The Circle

Kevin O'Neal

When Rachel first started bringing me to the dances, I had seen the circle and the people who did some really fancy moves and had mentioned that I had wanted to do that with her. She smiled brightly at that and encouraged me to do it when I was ready. I thought that I was ready, but I still wasn't amazing like those others. There was nothing I could do to impress the gathered audience. On top of that, I couldn't even do some of the moves I knew because I was afraid that I'd drop her. Hence the sweaty palms. "The flip?" Paul said. "That's awesome. You guys have done it before, right?" Rachel spoke, "Yup. Well, a couple of times. A lot of the time I don't get all the way around. But we've been doing better the past few times." "Except for that part where I dropped you last week. And you hit your head. And it hurt," I explained to Paul. Rachel rolled her eyes, "Jacob. It's okay. I know you didn't mean to. And how many times have we tried the flip? And that was the only time that your dropped me?" I knew that she spoke mostly the truth, but her body betrayed her. When we had danced earlier, I had done a move where she was supposed to lift both legs in the air and lean on my bent knee while my arms held her upper body. The Sweetheart, it was called. But during that move, she kept one leg on the ground instead of lifting them both up like normal. "I know, Rachel, I know. I'm just worried is all." I wiped my hands on my dress pants to dry them. Paul looked between the two of us for a moment, perhaps sensing the tension between us that we were trying to hide, before he said, "Rachel is right, you know. You guys have done that move a fair amount and only once did you drop her, regardless as to if she got all the way around or not. Not a bad track record."

10

Professor Kesler

CRW 3013: The Circle

Kevin O'Neal

It was sweet that he was trying to be encouraging, and Rachel looked at me with that 'See?!' expression on her face. It was nice to know that she still had some confidence in me. "Okay, okay. Can we just try it, please?" We spent at least 30 minutes in the practice room going over moves before we heard that the circle was starting. Paul led the way upstairs and joined the crowd to watch the people who dared to enter. Since there were plenty of people watching, there wasn't much room on the outskirts of the circle to still see what was happening on the inside, so we moved back and climbed on the stage to watch the people. Trying to hide my nervousness and be more like we were before the talks about moving started, I wrapped an arm around Rachel and she slowly returned the favor. In addition to the arguments we'd been having, this was the last time I'd be able to attend swing with her for potentially a year. If I was going to dance in the circle with her, it had to be tonight. I took a deep breath in and slowly released it, causing Rachel to look at me and ask, "You okay, Jacob?" I met her gaze and offered a weak smile. Just as her body had betrayed her on the dance floor, I could see in her eyes that she knew what was going through my mind and why I was out of it. I nodded and said, "Yeah. I'm fine." I paused for a minute, taking a deep breath again, "You ready?" "Jacob, if you're not ready, we shouldn't do it," she reassured me. I shook my head, "No, I'm ready. Let's do this." Before she could argue, I hopped down from the stage and looked up at her, offering her my hand. She smiled softly and took my hand as she got down. We made our way to the inner circle and waited for the current dancers to leave the circle before we jumped in.

11

Professor Kesler

CRW 3013: The Circle

Kevin O'Neal

"One, two, three, four, five, six," I began counting in my head. However, the music was much faster than the song that played during the swing dancing lessons at the beginning of the night. There was no point in counting unless I intentionally wanted to mess myself up. I had to go with the music, and I did. For several seconds we just kept dancing in a circle, not doing any moves. None at all. "Oh, shit!" my mind raced, "I need to do something. Umm, the Sweetheart!" I quickly moved about and led Rachel into the move. Once again she kept one foot on the fllor instead of putting them both in the air. Michelle was walking around the inside of the circle with a camera. In fact, she always did that to get pictures for their website to promote swing dancing, but I had forgotten about it. My grip loosened and I almost dropped Rachel from my knee, but I quickly pulled her back up and got back into the rhythm. Once again we spun, not doing anything. I had done one move with her, and almost screwed that one up. I couldn't believe that I had made such a fool of myself and her. My eyes closed for a moment in disappointment. If I left now, this would all end and I could slink to a corner and hope that no one would see me. But I was doing this to make Rachel, and myself, happy. I was doing it to show that I was brave enough to face the circle with her and I'd be damned if I stopped and walked out of this. She would still of course would say that she had fun, but I knew that this wasn't enough. I needed to do something. For her. For me. At least try something that was decent to show her that I wasn't a total wuss and that we could face this distance thing together. My eyes opened with a determined look about them. I spun her into position and brought my hand down behind her knees and grabbed her farthest knee lightly while my right arm ran across her waist, holding her there for a pivot point. I lifted her up and used my left arm to push her around my right arm. She flipped over and landed on her feet as I brought her down. I flipped

12

Professor Kesler

CRW 3013: The Circle

Kevin O'Neal

her successfully. And without dropping her. The crowd cheered as I looked at Rachel. She was smiling and so was I. I reached for her hand and led her back into the crowd. That was enough for tonight. I'd work on my dancing skills and moves for next time we went into the circle. We stood on the edge of the circle and cheered other couples that went in and danced. After the circle was over, more music played and the last hour of the swing dancing started. I danced several more songs with Rachel and we both were happy that the circle had gone so well. After the dancing was over, we said goodbye to friends and exited the building going to my car. As I started up the vehicle and began driving, I reached for her hand and held it feeling proud. Within fifteen minutes we reached her place and I walked her to her door. "I'm really happy that we decided to go swing dancing tonight, babe." I said. "Yeah." She replied, "I'm happy too. You did an awesome job in the circle. I was a little afraid after the Sweetheart." I let out a short laugh, "Yeah, sorry about that. But thanks, you too. I was worried you weren't going to let me after that." She looked down for a moment before returning her gaze to me, "Anyway, umm, it's getting late and you still have to drive home." Her mood change from being happy at swing to now was concerning and she was also trying to get me to leave. "Oh. Right. Yeah, I guess I should get going." I pause for a moment before I leaned in and kissed her. "What time did you want to meet up tomorrow? Lunch?" There was a noticeable pause after I kissed her and asked her about later and all of the sudden she shook her head, "Jacob... I can't do this anymore." "What? Do what?" I already knew the answer.

13

Professor Kesler

CRW 3013: The Circle

Kevin O'Neal

Rachel took another moment before saying, "This. Us. You and me. I really don't think I can handle a long distance relationship. You're an amazing guy, but... I just can't pretend that things are going to be okay when they aren't." Her words stung and I was caught off guard. The night had gone well, I thought. We hadn't talked about the future and we had even gone into the circle. We had successfully done the flip! How could she say this? I didn't know how to respond so I repeated myself, "What?" "Jacob. This isn't going to work. You don't know how sad I am to admit this and do this, but... I can't do this. Tonight was amazing, but it just reminded me that we're not going to be able to do that in forever. And I don't know if I can wait a year to really be with you again." Rachel's voice was beginning to waver and her eyes began to water. "I was going to visit. Once a month, remember? We can do this." Of all nights for this to happen, and I obviously couldn't just accept what she was saying. I couldn't believe what was happening. "I like you Jacob... But I can't be with you. I don't think I can do it, and that's not fair to you either. So... We... I need to end this. I'm so sorry." She was trying hard to keep herself composed, but she was beginning to break down. As for me, I was still in shock about how sudden this was. I had conquered the circle with her. I had proven through it that we can overcome things - or at least that I could. It might've been a little thing to do, but it meant more than just entering the circle. I looked at her, but no words came. I didn't know what to say. A couple tears worked their way down Rachel's face. "I'm so sorry, Jacob. We... It's late, we can actually talk about this tomorrow, but... Good night, okay?"

14

Professor Kesler

CRW 3013: The Circle

Kevin O'Neal

Tomorrow? So we were going to meet up? "Yeah," I said. "I'll talk to you tomorrow... Good night." She nodded and headed inside of her parents' house as I stood there still in shock. Her words had yet to settle and I was still unsure of what had just happened. Had it been real? Finally, I made my way back to my car and sat in the driver's seat. A minute later, I finally turned on the engine and drove home, the events of the night finally starting to hit me. The fear of dancing now in the farthest reaches of my mind, I tried to overcome losing my girlfriend and how the talk with her would go in the morning.

15