Dec.

1, 2010

How to Get to Holy: The Ethnography of A Preachers Wife

It is not atypical at a private Christian university to find a multitude of young women pining for the opportunity to marry a preacher and fulfill their calling to become the wife of a man in the ministry. Because I am surrounded by young women who desire this lifestyle, I decided to research it. In this ethnography I will discuss my informants life leading up to and throughout her experience as the wife of a preacher. I first met my informant at my friends church a few weeks before I began this project and decided to interview her after my friend told me that this woman had a very interesting background. When I first called my informant and requested an interview with her she was skeptical. She seemed to be worried that my project would be used to discredit her church. She said that because all denominations think about doctrine in different ways people oftentimes get offended at others beliefs. I assured her that my paper would be focused on her life and experiences as the wife of a preacher. I also explained to her my own personal interest in denominational differences and my intention to understand them rather than dispute them. We decided to meet at a local restaurant where my informant insisted on buying me dinner and dessert. For purposes of anonymity, my informants name has been changed throughout this project. I will refer to her as Sister Sue. S. Sue lives in a small town in southeastern Tennessee, where she is married to the preacher of a small congregation. She has lived and been the preachers wife in said town since 1992. S. Sue is a short woman with white hair that she wears 1

wrapped in a braid on top of her head. Although she never told me how old she is, the information she did give me allows me to estimate that S. Sue is in her late sixties. At the start of the interview, S. Sue primarily discussed her husband, his work, and their church. For purposes of organization, and to best explain how this particular individual became the wife of a preacher, I will tell S. Sues story in sequential order rather than the way she told it to me. (See Figure 1)

(Fig.1) Progression of S. Sues Life

Moves out at the request of her mother Grows up in pastors home Moves back home to care for siblings

Lives in Georgia

Works in financing

Gets engaged 3 times

Age 36: Moves, Marries, Mothers

Moves to present home

Congregation grows from 17 to 60

As a young girl, growing up in Georgia, S. Sue had a childhood that quite differed from that of an average American kid: Her mother told her that she did not like her and asked her to move out of the house. S. Sue left her mother and five younger siblings and ended up living in the home of a preacher and his family. Throughout her time at the preachers house she learned the art of hospitality. People were always coming to the house for a meal or even to sleep. She explained

that she always had to be prepared to give up her bed for the visiting missionary or needy church member. When S. Sues mother began to get sick, she asked S. Sue to come back home. After S. Sue moved home and started taking care of her siblings, only two weeks passed before her mother passed away. Although my informant did not share why, how or when she decided to leave her siblings to get a job, she did tell me that her much younger siblings like her own children and cares for them very much. S. Sue did leave them, however, and went on to receive a college education and then a job in financing. S. Sue worked in the corporate world and, from what I could discern through her humility, she was quite successful in her field. She financially supported herself and lived alone until the age of thirty-six. S. Sue did want to get married, but she said that she was very picky. In fact, S. Sue was so picky that she was engaged three times before she met the man who became her husband. When she met her husband, he was a recent widower with three children. S. Sue laughed a little when she recalled meeting him; he was so many things that she never wanted: a younger man, a father, a once-married man, and a preacher. According to my informant, the only thing her husband had going for him was his long legs. However, as S. Sue repeatedly reminded me, God can do all things. One month after meeting each other, S. Sue and Brother Bob were married. S. Sue left her job and joined this new family. Within the next year, S. Sue also adopted her husbands three children and moved with her family to Fort Worth, Texas where her husband worked. Because of her previous experience in financing

S. Sue was able to work with her husbands money and eliminate the majority of the many lingering medical bills from his first wifes hospital and treatment fees. When discussing the first part of her marriage, S. Sue mentioned many hardships that both she and her husband were going through, but she points to God as the one who got them through it. She sees His work and divine providence in her relationship with her husband and the circumstances that brought them together. S. Sue and Br. Bobs mutual faith in the Lord led them to leave Fort Worth and travel to work at a church Cleveland, TN. Since 1992, S. Sue and her family have lived in Cleveland where Br. Bob has been a pastor at the same church, which has grown from having merely seventeen members to a sixty-some member congregation. In addition to leading their church, Br. Bob also works as the project manager at two nuclear engineering plants and he is the proselytizer for their churchs district, which means that he oversees the doings of all his denominations churches in this area. S. Sue works to help her husband with all of his responsibilities. My informants eagerness to discuss her husbands work, along with the long-persisting stereotypes that I have heard about, ignited within me some sort of feminist outcry and I wondered if S. Sues only goal in life was to serve her husband. I was pleased and slightly amazed to see the ways in which my informant owns her position; rather than being an idea that she bought into, she utilizes her circumstances and thanks God for them. Even though I found that S. Sue does have some stereotypical preacher wife characteristics, her devotion to the Lord brings genuineness and excitement to the career that I have seen several young women pine away for. (See Figure 2)

(Fig. 2) Responses to Stereotypes About Preachers Wives

Stereotype She intended to marry a preacher. She is respected. She does not struggle with patience. She has an easier time being close to God. Raising a Preachers Kid is extra trying. She is naturally an excellent cook. She is naturally compassionate/ hospitable/supportive. Reality False True False Neutral* Neutral* False Neutral*

S. Sue did not intend to end up where she did in life, but she fell in love with a man who preaches, and she gracefully took on the responsibilities that come with that. Her position warrants a general respect from her congregation and the public, who oftentimes seek aid whether that be financial, emotional, spiritual, or some other type of help from she and her husband. Just as it would with anyone, this level of expectation and attention can be trying on a preachers wife, but S. Sue works to remain patient and have a servants heart. She told me a story about a time when a woman asked for money for her and her baby, but S. Sue knew that the woman had not had a baby and was being untruthful about her situation. S. Sue said that she reminded herself that Jesus would act with compassion, so she helped the woman and her baby. However, my informant did say that she and her husband understand that they cannot hand out money to anyone who asks so they use treat each case separately and act with discernment in deciding how to respond to the needy. Because she is so involved in the church, and married to a preacher, it would seem as if S. Sue would have an easier time remaining close to God and finding time

to devote to Him. According to S. Sue, being close to God is as easy as you make it. She does this by having time alone in the morning praying while her husband runs and prays. S. Sue says that she also prays throughout the day, and if she ever has a quickening for prayer she will stop by the church to pray. She says that as a Christian you must have a spirit of discernment about prayer and be able to drop whatever you are doing if the Lord lays something on your heart to pray about. S. Sue and Br. Bob also live out their prayer life with one another, coming together to do a Bible study and pray with each other a few times a week. S. Sue told me that it is important for a couples children to see them praying. It is important for a households peace that the parents pray together. This led me to wonder if raising the dreaded PK, or preachers kid, proves more difficult than raising a child who does not grow up under a communitys religious expectations. S. Sue said that while people did and do expect more from her children, they are just like any other children and the difficulty still lies in raising them to serve God. Throughout my interview with S. Sue, she mentioned her children a few times, saying that they played music for the church services and congregation loved them. However, in the few times that she discussed her children she mentioned twice that people need to repress their judgment of children and show them mercy. Despite whatever struggles may have been present in their upbringing, S. Sue said that she always taught her children to love life and never let themselves get bitter. The final two stereotypes that I questioned S. Sue about go hand in hand: Is a preachers wife naturally a good cook? Is a preachers wife naturally compassionate,

hospitable and supportive? My informant answered with great humility, telling me that these are qualities that must be practiced and focused on. Although these qualities do not necessarily come naturally, S. Sue does have to utilize them in her daily life. At the beginning of my interview with her, S. Sue told me she and her husbands are both in a position of servant-hood. This means that in every aspect of their life they must give of their time and actions. This is done in many different ways. (See Figure 3)

(Fig. 3) Average Time Use of A Preachers Wife

Activity Talking on phone Working on the computer Attending church events Attending denominational events Planning/Coordinating Events Cooking Time Commitment 2 hours daily 1.5 hours daily 3 hours daily, 4 times a week 24 days yearly 2 hours weekly 2 hours daily

A typical week for S. Sue involves plenty of time on the phone doing things such as contacting members to check on them. She said that this is a rarity, but because there are so many people she keeps in contact with that one day her phone started ringing at 9 AM and rang forty-two times between then and one oclock. Being preachers wife, as S. Sue learned as a little girl, means always having your house open to visitors. At the beginning of their time in Cleveland, S. Sue said that her family would have guests at their house from Thanksgiving time until April. Even though most people want their privacy today and choose to stay in hotels when they come through town, S. Sue says that she still makes extra food when she cooks, just because she never knows if there will be extra people visiting for dinner.

While it is understandable and expected that S. Sue attend and participate in all of her churchs events, the extra work she puts into them is surprising. She organizes events, ensures that the church secretaries are doing their jobs, and she keeps track of the churchs finances. S. Sue also attends events outside of her church such as conferences, prayer meetings, youth rallies, and board meetings with her husband for his position as proselytizer. She also spends a lot of time with her congregation members, celebrating with them, mourning with them, and visiting them in the hospital. It was incredible to see how much work S. Sue does. She showed me her full calendar and smiled when I commented how busy she was; Thats just my church calendar, she said, I have a different one for my personal stuff. My discussions with S. Sue taught me a lot about what it means to marry a preacher. I feel that the young women I have talked with about their dream to be a preachers wife do desire to serve God in this way, but they probably do not realize the workload that such a position entails. I greatly admire S. Sue for her dedication to her work and her devotion to the Lords will. I learned that marrying a preacher does not bring a woman to holiness, but provides her with an opportunity to serve in an all-encompassing manner. Because of this I have gained a further admiration, as well as a deeper understanding, of the life of a preachers wife.