How to Travel with a Salmon According to the newspapers, there are two main problems besetting the modern

world: the invasion of the computer, and the alarming expansion of the Third World. The newspapers are right, and I now it. !" recent #ourne" was brief: one da" in Stoc holm and three in $ondon. In Stoc holm, ta ing advantage a free hour, I bought a smo ed salmon, an enormous one, dirt cheap. It was carefull" pac aged in plastic, but I was told that, if I was traveling, I would well advised to eep it refrigerated. Ha. %ust tr". Happil", in $ondon, m" publisher made me a reservation in a deluxe hotel: a room e&uipped with minibar. 'ut on arriving at the hotel, I had the impression I was entering a foreign legation in (e ing during 'oxer rebellion: whole families camping out in lobb", travelers wrapped in blan ets sleeping amid luggage. I &uestioned the staff, ali of them Indians except for a few !ala"ans, and I was told the previous da", in this grand hotel, a computeri)ed s"stem had been installed and, before all the in s could be eliminated, had bro en down for two hours. There was no wa" of telling which rooms were occupied and which were free. I would have to wait. Towards evening the s"stem was bac up, and I managed to get into m" room. Worried about m" salmon, I removed it from the suitcase and loo ed for the minibar. As a rule, in normal hotels, the minibar is a small refrigerator containing two beers, some miniature bottles of hard li&uor, a few cans of fruit #uice, and two pac ets of peanuts. In m" hotel, the refrigerator was famil" si)e and contained fift" bottles of whis ", gin, *rambuie, +ourvoisier, eight large (erriers, two ,itelloises, and two -vians, three half.bottles of champagne, various cans of /uinness, pale ale, *utch beer, /erman beer, bottles of white wine both 0rench and Italian, and1 besides peanuts, also coc tail crac ers, almonds, chocolates, and Al a.Selt)er. There was no room for the salmon. I pulled out two room" drawers of the dresser and emptied the contents of the bar into them, then refrigerated the salmon, and thought no more about it. The next da", when I came bac into the room at four in the afternoon, the salmon was on the des , and the bar was again crammed almost solid with gourmet products. I opened the drawers, onl" to discover that ever"thing I had hidden there the da" before was still in place. I called the des and told the cler to inform the chambermaids that if the" found the bar empt" it wasn2t because I had consumed all its contents, but because of the salmon. He replied that all such re&uests had to be entered in the central computer, but . a further complication . because most of the staff spo e no -nglish, verbal instructions were not accepted: -ver"thing had to be translated into 'asic. !eanwhile, I pulled out another two drawers and filled them with the new contents of the bar, where I then replaced m" salmon. The next da" at 3 (.!., the salmon was bac on the des , and it was alread" emanating a suspect odor. The bar was crammed with bottles large and small, and the four drawers of the dresser suggested the bac room of a spea eas" at the height of (rohibition. I called the des again and was told that the" were having more trouble with the computer. I rang the bell for room service and tried to explain m" situation to a "outh with a pon" tail1 he could spea nothing but a dialect that, as an anthropologist colleague explained later, had been current onl" in 4efiristan at about the time Alexander the /reat was wooing 5oxana.

The next morning I went down to sign the bill. lt was astronomical. It indicated that in two and a half da"s I had consumed several hectoliters of ,euve +lic&uot, ten liters of various whis ies, including some ver" rare single malts, eight liters of gin, twent".five liters of mineral water 6both (errier and -vian, plus some bottles of San (ellegrino7, enough fruit #uice to protect from scurv" all the children in 89I+-02s care, and enough almonds, walnuts, and peanuts to induce vomiting in *r. 4a" Scarpetta. I tried to explain, but the cler , with a betel.blac ened smile, assured me that this was what the computer said. I as ed for a law"er, and the" brought me an avocado. 9ow m" publisher is furious and thin s I:m a chronic freeloader. The salmon is inedible. !" children insist I cut down on m" drin ing.