Sex education in children

How parents communicate

Research suggests that parents generally arent very confident about discussing sexual issues with their children. Along the way, a lot of young people miss out on valuable information. Common findings from the research include: Fathers tend to avoid taking part in sex education discussions.

When fathers do talk to their children about sex, they limit the conversation to less intimate issues. Mothers are more likely to talk about intimate, emotional and psychological aspects of sex than fathers. Mothers talk more about sex to their daughters than their sons. Parents tend to leave boys in the dark about female sexual issues such as menstruation. Parents may assume the school system will take care of their childs sex education, and so choose to say nothing. Parents may postpone talks about sex until they see evidence of the child having a relationship; for example, if their child starts dating or comes home with a love bite on their neck. These talks can turn into arguments because it can become a discipline issue rather than an opportunity to provide advice and guidance.

Parents tend to show embarrassed or awkward body language when talking to their child about sex: for example, avoiding eye contact. Parents confine their talks to the mechanics and biology of sex, and tend to omit the more difficult or embarrassing topics such as masturbation, homosexuality and orgasms.

How children react

Younger children may be curious and interested when parents talk about sexual issues. Older children, particularly teenagers, tend to be a less willing audience. Research findings include: An older child may feel like they know it all and that their parents couldnt possibly teach them anything.

An older child can be dismissive when their parents discuss sex with them, which shakes parental confidence. The child can feel as embarrassed and awkward as their parents, and may prefer not to talk about sex with them at all. If parents dont ever broach the subject of sex, the child tends to assume the parents dont want to talk about it - so the child never bothers to ask.

Successful communication
Families that talk openly about sexual issues share certain traits, which include: The parents are good listeners. The parents provide truthful answers to the childs questions.

The child is allowed to have opinions about sexual issues and voice them without fear of getting yelled at or punished. The parents dont insist that the child stick to strict and inflexible standards of behaviour. The child feels listened to, understood and supported by their parents.

Preparing yourself
Suggestions include: Learn as much as you can issues your older child or teenager is keen to hear you talk about include puberty, menstruation, reproduction, sexually transmitted diseases, contraception, unplanned pregnancy, abortion, homosexuality

and premarital sex. The more you know, the less youll stumble. Have back-up information get age-appropriate books, articles and videos to help you. Practice try out what you plan to say (and how) on your partner and friends. Try the words out so you feel comfortable with them.

Make it a regular topic think of sex education as an ongoing process. Smaller, frequent conversations are better than a big, one-off talk. Plan ahead dont wait for your child to bring the subject up; they may figure youre unapproachable and not ask you. Plan to start the conversations about sex yourself. Aim for a friendly chat try to see the talks as two-way discussions, not lectures. Plan to ask what your child thinks and feels. Aim to get a lively discussion going.

Getting started
Suggestions include: Keep it casual dont make talking about sex a special, solemn occasion. Most parents and children find it easier to discuss sex if theyre occupied doing everyday tasks such as cooking, washing the car or walking the dog. Try to maintain eye contact avoiding eye contact can suggest embarrassment or discomfort. If your child gets this message from you, they will learn that talking about sexual issues is taboo. Of course, you wont have to worry about this so much if youre both busy washing the dishes, for example.

Use the cues around you conversation starters could include romantic scenes in movies on television or something that has happened to a person you know. You could begin by asking open-ended questions, such as What would you do if you found yourself in that situation? A general conversation based around a hypothetical situation is an easy starting point, an d gives both you and your child a chance to express your thoughts and beliefs.

Use your own experience if you feel comfortable, illustrate particular points with stories from your own experience. Explain your values older children and teenagers are interested in hearing about parental values and beliefs. Share them, but dont expect your child to feel the same way.

Avoiding the conversation stoppers

Certain reactions are likely to stop the conversation or turn it into an argument. Things to avoid include: Dont demand that your child share your beliefs and values.

Dont argue that their opinions are wrong. Dont criticise, react in horror or get angry. Dont interrupt them when theyre talking. Dont stop listening to them. Dont assume they want your guidance. If you feel like giving them advice, first tell them why. Dont be stern and unapproachable; for example, avoid threatening statements like If you get yourself pregnant, dont bother coming home. Dont assume your child is sexually active or in trouble if they ask you a question about sex. A hysterical response will probably guarantee your child may never risk asking you anything about sex again.

Avoiding awkward moments

Embarrassment can stop the conversation. Suggestions include: If you feel shy or embarrassed, say so and laugh about it. Perhaps you could have a chat about why sexual issues are so difficult to discuss. This can help ease the tension.

If you are uncomfortable with talking about your own sexual experiences, say so honestly. Explain that people need their privacy. If you cant bring yourself to talk about something, tell your child that youll find other ways to get the information to them. For example, you could get books, articles or videos on the subject. If you dont know the answer to something, say so. Ideally, you and your child could research the answer together.

When communication is too difficult

Sometimes, talking about sex seems impossible. The parent may be too embarrassed or the child may refuse to listen. Suggestions include: Keep at it, from time to time. Try different approaches. Talking over the phone may be easier.

Find out what sort of sex education topics are covered in school classes. Your child may be more inclined to talk to you about sex if you bring up topics that havent been already covered. Get age-appropriate sex education materials, such as books and videos, and leave them in your childs bedroom. Check out Family Planning Victorias website for some great book suggestions. Perhaps your child is interested in talking about sex, but not with you. Consider asking a trusted relative or friend to talk to your child instead.

Where to get help

Your doctor Your childs school Bookshops and libraries Family Planning Victoria Tel. (03) 9257 0100

Things to remember

Issues your older child or teenager is keen to hear you talk about include puberty, menstruation, reproduction, sexually transmitted diseases, contraception, unplanned pregnancy, abortion, homosexuality and premarital sex. Sex education is an ongoing process short and frequent conversations are better than the big, one-off talk. Parents and children find it easier to discuss sex if theyre preoccupied with another task, such as washing the car or walking the dog.

Primary school children need age-appropriate information about bodies, puberty, sex and reproduction. This is not one big talk, but lots of little conversations repeated. Puberty brings about dramatic physical and emotional changes that may be frightening to an unprepared child. Your talks will need to include topics such as the stages of sexual development, what to expect during puberty, sexual responsibility and relationships.

Understanding your childs sexual development

It is more common to hear parents swapping stories about childrens first teeth and first steps than it is to hear about a childs sexual development. This is understandable, as it is often seen as a very personal aspect of a persons growth and development. Yet this lack of general knowledge about what is normal sexual development can lead to unnecessary anxiety about childrens interest in nudity, rude things and sex. It is important to understand the stages of sexual development your child is likely to go through at different ages and what you can do to help them adjust to the changes they will experience. Parents are often relieved to hear that helping their child towards a happy, healthy sexuality does not come from any one big talk that must be word perfect.

Talking with children about sex

Sex education for a primary school child mostly occurs in the way we talk about body parts and body functions, how we teach children to care for, respect and protect their bodies, and when we prepare our children for puberty. Choosing the right age to answer questions such as Where do I come from? and What is sex? is more about how comfortable your family feels talking about such topics, rather than there being a perfect time.

Many children will have asked the question by the time they reach school. By grade three, they will have a keen interest and will have formulated some kind of theory. Many children will also have made the link between reproduction and sexual pleasure, and will be entering into schoolyard speculation and curiosity. Talking about these issues shows children that they can talk with trusted adults. Families lay the groundwork for children to feel okay about their bodies and body functions, and to feel confident to ask questions and seek help. School programs are vital to support this process. Developing good sexuality education programs shows that the community takes responsibility for this aspect of childrens growth and development. If families and schools wont take the subject on, children will turn to other sources of information that may not be reliable, such as friends, the Internet or the media.

Normal sexual development of a primary school child

Dont be horrified or alarmed if your child has an interest in sexual issues or displays certain sexual behaviours this is completely normal. In the primary school years, typical behaviours can include: They become modest and embarrassed about being naked in front of their parents.

They start gravitating towards same-sex friends and may complain about girl germs or boy germs when sp eaking of the opposite sex. Games with other children could include kissing games and marriage role-play. Children are curious about gender differences, sexual intercourse and pregnancy, and may discuss these issues among themselves with varying degrees of accuracy. Sex play that began in a childs earlier years, such as playing doctor, may continue because children of this age are interested in knowing more.

General suggestions
Suggestions on talking to your preteen about sexual issues include: Dont wait for your child to ask questions. If they havent said anything to you by the time they are 10, it is likely that shyness or embarrassment will stop them from this point on.

Some children may feel more modest by age six and might want privacy in the bathroom. This is a good chance to make sure they know that they can say no to touching that they do not want. Masturbation is normal and healthy for children and may start long before puberty begins. Children just need to know that it is something to do in private. Many parents begin to talk about conception when their children are still pre-schoolers. Certainly it is important to start the conversation by the time they are eight or nine. If your child hasnt asked, you could try starting with a question s uch as: Have you ever wondered how you were born? Look for opportunities to introduce the conversation for example, you may choose to use a book or to comment on a pregnant relative.

Some girls will begin breast development and periods at age eight. By age nine, start a conversation with boys and girls about growing up and changing bodies. Dont assume that the lengthy talks you have already had have stuck. You will need to go back to topics (in fact, this is the best way to create open communication). Make sure your child knows who they can talk to about embarrassing personal stuff. Talk with them about who they would talk to if they needed an adults ear but were reluctant to come to you. Find out what sexuality education your childs primary school provides and support them in the provision of ageappropriate information.

The changes of puberty

Puberty brings about dramatic physical and emotional changes that may be frightening to an unprepared child. It can be reassuring for children to learn when their family members started noticing changes in themselves. Talk about how

you felt and how you managed tricky situations like periods or wet dreams. Suggestions include: Start talking about puberty-type issues at age nine. If you are unsure or unclear about the changes of puberty, find out.

Use age-appropriate sex education materials, such as books, to help explain to your child what changes they will undergo. Girls can start their periods as young as eight years old. Make sure they know what to expect. Show them what tampons and sanitary pads look like and, as the time approaches, equip them with a pad pack for their school bag. Boys need to know about unwanted erections and wet dreams before they happen, so that these occurrences dont alarm them. Inform girls about male pubertal changes, and boys about female pubertal changes.

The biology of sex and reproduction

Suggestions include: Be honest and truthful. If your child asks Why do men and women have sex? dont just answer To make babies. Explain that people also have sex because they enjoy it and it feels good.

If they ask about same-sex relationships, tell them that some people have sex with people of the same sex. Use age-appropriate materials, such as books, to help explain the issues. The Hormone Factory is a website aimed at 10 to 12 year olds that explains puberty, sexual intercourse and sexual issues in a clear, light-hearted way. You could browse through the website together, clarifying any questions your child may have.

Personal safety and wellbeing skills for children

Children need to learn important skills and knowledge to help protect their personal safety and wellbeing. You can help: Teach your child the names of the sexual parts of the body and body functions this helps them to communicate more

clearly and contributes to their safety and wellbeing. Help them to learn online safety skills the ThinkUKnow website has an Internet safety program that provides advice for parents. Maintain an environment in which your child feels safe talking about their feelings and problems. Encourage your child to know they can decide who touches them. Help them to identify a network of support, including teachers, who they can turn to. Teach your child about secret touch this is most effective and easily understood by children using language such as: Its not OK for an adult or older person to touch a private part of your body for no reason and ask you to keep it a secret.

Feelings and relationships

Suggestions include: Think about your own moral, ethical and religious sexual standards so that you can better explain your point of view to your child. It may help to discuss these issues first with your partner. If you have firm views about sexual issues, now is the time to start talking to your child about them. Be prepared for the possibility that your child may agree with you now, but over time, may either accept or reject your point of view. Stress that relationships are about respecting yourself and the other person and having considerati on for your partners feelings. Discuss sex in its wider context, as an important part of adult life that includes long-term relationships and families.

What to do if you feel uncomfortable

You may have found that discussing sex with your child was OK in their preschool years, but the extra detail required as your child gets older feels too embarrassing to talk about. Perhaps youve been waiting so long for the right time that you havent talked to your child about sex at all.

Suggestions include: Use materials to help you get started find some age-appropriate materials, such as books or videos, and look through

them with your child. Be honest if you feel embarrassed if you cant face talking about sex, provide the materials and let your child look through them alone. If your child has questions for you, try your best to answer them. If you are too shy, explain this to your child.

Use the Internet log on to a good website like The Hormone Factory. You could browse through the website together, clarifying any questions your child may have. Ask someone else you could ask a trusted relative or friend to talk to your child in your place. Explain your own attitudes keep in mind that your child wont know about your morals, values and beliefs unless you tell them.

Where to get help

Bookshops or libraries The Hormone Factory Family Planning Victoria Tel. (03) 9257 0100 Your childs school ThinkUKnow for parent advice on Internet safety

Things to remember

If you are unapproachable, your child will turn to other sources of information that may not be reliable, such as friends. Find out what sexuality education your primary school provides and support them in the provision of age-appropriate information. Read age-appropriate books on sex together with your child.

Development and Sexual Education

Infants and Toddlers - Children begin to learn about their sexuality at this age, and parents are their main teachers. It is important at this stage to name all the parts the body, as this teaches children that their entire body is natural and healthy. Additionally, talking with your child and responding to their needs at this age will lay ground work for trust and open discussion as they grow older.

Preschool children are very curious about bodies their own and other peoples. They are trying on roles and behaviours and may be mimicking adults as they play doctor, marriage or catch and kiss. This combination of natural curiosity and role-playing sometimes leads to childhood sex play. It may lead to touching, and children discover that this type of touching feels good. In other words, this type of play is expected and harmless. At this age it is important however, to teach children that their bodies belong to them and that no one has the right to touch them without permission. Additionally, teaching children to say no if they feel uncomfortable and to talk to a trusted adult if they need help, will prepare them if they are ever faced with a situation that makes them feel unsafe.

Sex Education for Young children are able to understand more complex issues about health, disease, and sexuality. Parents often find that their children are interested in birth, families and death and will often have questions, fears or concerns. By creating a home where a child feels free to ask questions about their bodies, health and sexuality, children will learn that their

home is a supportive environment and will be able to approach their parents in the future. At this stage, children can be provided with basic information and will understand best when information is based on concrete examples from their lives.

Sex Education for Preteens Children at this age are going through all the changes of puberty. They are often concerned about their bodies, their looks, and what is normal. There is a lot of social pressure at this age and due to this children ne ed your guidance on making good decisions about relationships, communicating sexual limits, and protecting themselves from unsafe situations.

Sex education for Teenagers are often very curious about sex. At this stage, it is important that they have been told basic and accurate information, including what sexual intercourse is, homosexuality, the negative consequences of sex, and information about protection.

Who should talk to your child

School based sex education is important to the health and well being of children. However, parents have a profound influence on the development of sexual attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors, especially in the years leading to early adolescence. Watch a Video About Sex Education: Therefore, most school based sex education programs are designed purely as a supplement to the information children receive from parents and caregivers. Additionally, adolescents often feel that the sex education they receive in school is inadequate, and they want open discussions with their parents.

Tips for talking with your child about sexuality

Its a parents responsibility to introduce sex education the topic little by little, dont wait for your child to start the c onversation. Find out what your children already know, for example where do you think babies come from?. Correct any misinformation and give the true facts about sex education.

Reward your children for asking questions about sex education rather than brushing of the subject. This will allow children to continue to feel comfortable to talk to you about any issue, specially about sex education.

If you dont know the answer to a questions about sex education, its a good opportunity for you and your child to look it up together.

Its OK to feel uncomfortable, and you can mention this to your child. For example, Im not used to talking about sex because Grandma didnt talk to me. But I think its important and it will get easier as we go along.

Look for naturally arising teaching opportunities that provide a good venue to talk about aspects of sexuality. Such as a scene on a TV show or movie, or if your teenager is getting ready for a school dance. These moments will provide you with the opportunity to share your family values and offer bits of information without having to formally sit down for talks about sex education

Facts are not enough. Children need to be educated about reproduction and puberty, however, they also need to hear about your own family values about sex education

Its the job of both parents to teach their children about sexuality and sex education. Children need to hear the adult view point of both genders. Additionally, it teaches children that men and women can talk about sexuality together an important skill in adulthood.

Its important to not just focus on the negative consequences of unprotected sexual activity. Teenagers also deserves to know that expressing sexual feelings in a responsible manner can be a vital and rewarding part of an adult relationship. Be sure to share your own family values about responsible healthy sexuality. The Quirky Kid Clinic can help parents and families with communication strategies as well as dealing with common issues that may arise. For more information, or to schedule an appointment please contact us. Information for this fact sheet was taken from an interview with Child Psychologist Kimberley OBrien, the Raising Children Network website, and the following articles: Hecht, M., & Eddington, E. N. (2003). The place and nature of sexuality education in society. In J. R. Levesque (Ed.), Sexuality education: What adolescents rights require (pp. 25 -37). New York: Nova. Fay, J., & Yanoff, J. M. (2000). What are teens telling us about sexual health? Results of the Second Annual Youth Conference of the Pennsylvania Coalition to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. Journal of Sex Education and Therapy, 25, 169-177.