Dear Ms.

Hoffman,

In Class:
Many of our class participations consisted of looking at our fellow peers work to help guide
them to create more efficient work. I took my part in class participations by giving constructive
comments on some of my peers portfolios, inquiry paper drafts, and annotated bibliography.
Here are some of the comments that I posted about my classmates portfolios:
Very pretty background! Love the purple flowers in the background. I think it will
look great with the rest of your information.
I think your design choice is interesting. I like how you included pictures of you
on your website. Although your work is not on there, I am sure it will turn out
pretty good.
Very interesting background. I enjoyed reading your introduction.
Inquiry draft comments made on a fellow classmate paper about NFL injuries and brain:
Your introduction paragraph is pretty good. Your inquiry question seems pretty good too
but we think that it can be written another way because it sounds a bit long. Also, you said how
is the NFL responsible... so there you are assuming that the NFL is solemnly responsible. You
want to phrase it so that it is not a straight forward question with answers, but these are only
suggestions.
Remember the MLA format for the paper. There seems to be plenty of grammatical
problems. This probably goes with MLA format too but the heading should only be seen on the
first page.
Your paper was about the NFL and brain injuries but you seem to talk about the NFL
more. We think that you should include more information on the types of brain injuries and that
way there will be more emphasis on why the rules of football have become stricter. It will also be
interesting to know about some brain injuries and which are more common in football. In your
paper you mentioned Duerson shot himself that is very interesting; however you should
elaborate on that. It would be interesting to know his motives for shooting himself.
What special rules have been put in place in football? You said they were stricter but did
not clearly define how. Also, has anyone died of any unattended brain injuries in the NFL? What
is a concussion and how does it affect the brain?
Overall pretty good draft; just add to some things that you already have.
This is the comment that I posted on a group members annotated bibliography draft:
Our group decided that Kevin should fix his overall format. His citations are not
continuous and they should be arranged in alphabetical order. Delete numbering each source.
Don't forget to have a hanging indent as well.
One of the best parts about class participation is receiving feedback from my classmates. Having
someone else check and proof read my work is very helpful, it reflects what I have to keep
working on to make it better. My inquiry draft was one of the most important drafts that I had to
work on throughout the semester. Someone was assigned to read my paper and his feedback was
really effective. I took all of his suggestions that he had for paper. I tried not ending my
paragraphs all of a sudden like he states. His suggestions helped me steer my paper in a different
direction. I changed my introduction paper to make it more interesting. His revision of my paper
consisted of the following example:
Your page numbers need to be in the top right of each page and need to be your last
name then page number. You can do this by going to header/footer and click the page number 3
and make sure you change it to Times New Roman and 12 sizes because it wont automatically
do it. The tone could be a little more formal and conversational. Adding commentary will help
with this quite a bit. You have organized it in a good way, but like I said in the comments. End
your paragraphs in a way that actually ends the paragraph, rather than just stating a fact. You
need to close it well. Your introduction to each paragraph is good and grabs my attention well. I
can tell you are interested in the topic, but like I said, you do not give your own opinion very
much. You just state facts on facts. Give your own experience or connection rather than just
stating facts.
I do not see very many quotes or citing sources in this. There are a lot of facts stated
without giving credibility to where you found it. Work on giving quotations on the quotes and
giving commentary after each quote. Also, try to introduce a quote so it is not just, bang right
there. Lead into it, it helps with flow and making the paper easier to read for the audience.
The most engaging part of this paper would have to be the topic. It is an interesting topic
and something that I will want to read when it is finished. I like your very first sentence. It is
attention grabbing and something that makes your audience want to continue reading.
You said you want to know how we began writing our essay. I started with my own
experiences with my topic and my own opinions and used my research to back up what I believed
and thought. I explained my topic and gave my background on my inquiry question. I also gave a
reason as to why my topic is a reason of interest, why my topic is important and something to be
researched about.
In the book The curious Researcher the author Ballenger encourages us to write what he calls
multiple leads. The activity consists of having to write three different introductions to our inquiry
paper. It was an interesting activity and helped me developed the write introduction to my paper.
My peers suggestions led me to decide what introduction I should use. Some of their comments
are shown below:
We like the third introduction better because it is the most attention grabbing since it tells
the story of a surfer who lost a limb
It establishes the focus of the paper by stating the inquiry question at the end of the paper
Maybe try to find a better way work your question into the introduction
We liked lead 3 because it includes an actual story. The third lead introduces an example
into the "prosthetics culture". We think the first and second were a little too literal and
did not really add to the introduction. The third one provides good knowledge to someone
who was not aware of what prosthetics were and how they are beneficial.
Sometimes when we came to class we would have five to ten minutes to write about different
things. I remember having to do an assignment titled Independent Writing: moving from working
knowledge to focus knowledge. In that writing I had the chance to express my thoughts about my
inquiry project when I was starting out. This is what I wrote:
My inquiry project so far is not very intense. I do have a fairly good research question.
My inquiry question enables me to talk about a broad amount of things. There is so much
information out there and I am having a hard time picking out what will be useful in my paper.
Some patterns that I am seeing is a link amputations and prosthetics. Certain facts that stick out
are the mind controlling arm prosthetics. I had a friend throughout elementary school who was
born with missing body parts and used prosthetics. He was able to play sports and run like any
other student; I guess that sort of got me thinking about prosthetics even more.
Another assignment that I wrote in class is titled Writing in the Middle. We were giving an
introduction of a paper written by a boy who collected a lot of information before writing his
paper and towards the end he wrote his paper at the last minute. The reading was a flash back to
how I used to write my research papers in high school. I would gather a lot of information, think
I know everything, and then gather a cluster of information to write my paper a day before. It
made me realize I had to change my ways which started in English 1101. My opinions are seen
below:
I have to say that this process is a little similar to me in the aspect of collecting a lot of
information.
I am not completely clear on my topic process but I now try not to wait until the last
minute to write my paper. I do however collect a lot of information from different places
to make sure that I have enough things to write about. Mainly a lot of information gives
me ideas to write about.
In a five minute in class writing assignment we had to write a background about our topic.
This assignment was helpful because it gave me opportunities to know how organized I was
about my topic. Also, it helped me better gather my thoughts about my topic. This little bit of
background was written when we were thinking about what topic we should choose to write
about. As you can see this is when I thought about writing about organs. I realized later that
this topic was too specific and it would not work. This is a preview of what my background
on my topic looked like:
My Current Topic: Organ waiting list/man-made organs
The best thing about this topic is that there is a possibility that people will not have to
die because they need an organ transplant.
The worst thing about this topicI am not sure yet because I believe my topic is very
interesting
I hope my peers can help me when it comes down to whether my topic is boring or not
interesting.
Outside of class:
Many of our outside class work have been homework assignments and work from our inquiry
paper. As part of our extended project we first had to write a proposal that stated what we wanted
to write about. It also required us to write the importance of the topic to us as well. I believe I
invested a lot of time in the proposal because it stated what I wanted to actually write my paper
about. My proposal was structured like this:
Research Proposal
1. Inquiry question: How can advances in prosthetics better the lives of people victim to
amputations?
2. Your primary purpose is to explore:
a. What ethical issues arise?
b. When did prosthetics become a big thing?
c. How many lives are saved through prosthetics?
d. What kinds of prosthetics are made?
e. Can the possibility of a production of live organs be made possible?
f. What happens when a prosthetic goes bad in the human body?
g. How can prosthetics improve the lives of individuals?
h. How different would our society be if surgeries did not include prosthetics?
i. Does the type of prosthetic you get influence your hospital bill?
j. Is there an age limit to whom can get a prosthetic, at least in America?
3. Your starting point: Things I already know about this topic include that prosthetics help
peoples health. I know that they enable people to perform things that they normally
couldnt do. My personal experience related to the topic is looking at a billboard while
my parents were driving where a man who had a prosthetic leg could once again run
track. I chose this topic to write about because I would like to write about the importance
and value of such advances in science for the medical field. It interests me because it
presents people with the possibility of living a healthy and longer life. Also, I am
interested in this topic because I think it is pretty cool how prosthetics can be used inside
the human body and your own body works with it.
4. Working knowledge: The information I have found on my topic focuses on prosthetics
and technology. My working knowledge includes:
I ntroduction: What are prosthetics? Prosthetics is the branch of medicine that deals with the
artificial replacement of a body part. For all of our human history there have been people who
have lost an arm or leg. Beginnings of prosthetics is said to have started around 300 B.C. Most
recently technology and science have made it possible for people to have a replacement of that
lost arm or leg. With new technology making artificial limbs look more natural, the future seems
bright for these advances. It is important to remember that people have come a long way from
using materials such as wood and metal plates to replace a body part. Prosthetics give people a
chance walk if they are missing leg or make it possible for someone to have that look of an arm
back.
Definitions: Things to know about this topic includes knowing what prosthetics are, which is
defined above. Most prosthetics are causes of amputations which are a removal of a body part
due to trauma that happens in the body which then requires the removal of a certain body part to
prevent further pain and diseases.
People: People related to this topic are the people who currently have prosthetics. I cant leave
out the scientists who help better prosthetics. People who work with technology also play a
major role in the making of prosthetics. A man that I would like to include in my paper is Dennis
Aabo Sorensen. He is a man from Denmark whom researchers have put nerve wires that have
temporarily allowed him to feel objects from his amputated arm. It just shows a great advance in
prosthetics.
Context: We see prosthetics being used in peoples everyday life. Sure it includes people with
prosthetics but it gives them the opportunity to live a normal life. It also gives people the feeling
of normalcy which is important in our society because we tend to emphasize on looks. Feelings
of more confidence are noticeable. Not to mention people who play sports and have prosthetics.
They get the opportunity to do what they love again.
My first revision of my paper was quite interesting. I felt that I was quite lost at the beginning
and the outcome was that I changed my first paragraph. I do feel like I put the time and effort to
write this paper although it sounds more like a research paper then inquiry itself. The inquiry
paper was a chance for us to explore something new about a topic and learn something new at
the same time. My draft is a little long but I want to include some main points about my paper
that were important for me to change.
Like I mentioned before I decided to change my introduction paragraph to include the
story of an American surfer named Bethany Hamilton. I remember watching a movie that
was based on her and wanted to include that part in my paper.
Some of my paragraphs before were short and choppy. I managed to fix that in my first
revision of my paper.
I added a different conclusion, one that would better end my inquiry paper.
I already talked about changing my introduction but a great assignment that helped further my
changes was Writing Multiple Leads. I took my time writing three very distinct paragraphs. The
assignment was meant for us to write three different paragraphs each with a different twist on
starting out our inquiry paper. I think it made me think beyond anything that I already thought
and the assignment helped me establish what paragraph I wanted to include in my paper. The
paragraph I chose is the one below:
Bethany Hamilton, an American surfer, went one morning to surf along Tunnels Beach,
Kauai. As she was lying sideways on her surf board with her left arm in the water a tiger shark
attacked her, ripping her left arm off just below the shoulder. Eight weeks later Bethany was
back on her board surfing the sea aspiring to become a professional surfer. Now imagine waking
up the rest of your life knowing you will never have your arm again. Every part of our body has
a purpose and a function. To lose an arm or leg can place challenges in our everyday lives, but it
is in human nature to adapt to changes in our environment. Whether someone was attacked by
an animal, was born with deformities, or got injured in another accident our society now
provides a better way to cope with missing body parts. They are called prosthetic devices and the
use of technology has bettered the devices to endure for longer years and facilitate everyday
activities. I am not too familiar with such devices and if you are just as clueless as me, you are
probably wondering what impact such devices have on people.
Inquiry and my Inquiry project:
Chapter four, page 151, section: Question-Claim structure did a great job at helping me structure
my paper. I tried basing my paper in the same direction that the example in the book had
pictured. It helped me understand how to better organize my paper so that it wouldnt be out of
order and flow properly.



















Another helpful page from Ballengers book is found in chapter four, page 160, and is titled
Making Your Presence Felt. This is an important chart because it teaches how to feel part of your
inquiry without completely using too many Is. I referenced back to this page every time I
found myself using the word I too many times in my paper.



An example from Ballengers book that helped me write my introduction paragraph is found in
chapter four, page 165, and the section is titled Three Ways In. The example is about a girl
named Amanda and her three different introductions. Each of her introduction paragraphs was so
distinct from each other. Each paragraph has a different fact but still manage to explain her topic
perfectly. The example encouraged me when I had to write my three different introductions. It
showed me that I can write about different things and still arrive at the topic that I want to write
about. The example is seen below:









If I were to teach the class I would emphasize students to write about something that really gets
them motivating to write at least six pages. It is much easier writing about something that you
truly enjoy. I would also emphasize ideas about taking some time to enjoy and write your paper
so others enjoy what you write. Lastly, I would recommend actually reading Ballengers book
because he really has some helpful examples that can definitely help you in the right direction to
write your paper.
My Portfolio:
I tried designing my portfolio in a manner that is interesting and easy to see what I have written.
The portfolio provides a chance for us to express ourselves by posting our information and
designing the web page the way that we choose. My navigation tabs are kept simple and easy to
navigate. I had some very helpful suggestions from my classmates about shrinking the tabs that I
had before. My page looks more efficient and less confusing without too many tabs to navigate
through. I have created an e-portfolio before and decided to focus on exploring better ways to
show my work on Weebly this time. I want my work to be read easily by the people who view it.
Looking back and Thinking ahead:
In my midterm reflection I asked certain questions about the inquiry paper and overall class that I
was confused about. The questions I asked are:
How can you avoid sounding too informational on your paper?
What will happen if your research paper is not good in the end?
Why cant all professors have us write like Ballengers book?
How will I develop better skills in writing in this room?
Trying to answer my first question I would respond by saying that including personal stories
about people that relate to your topic is a good way to restrain from sounding too informational.
It gives the paper a little more voice about you and your insights by adding something other than
statistics and facts. I would respond to the second question by saying that you just have to be
confident about your paper. As long as you like your topic and feel that you have learned
something, you dont have to feel that the paper itself is bad. Ballengers book was different
source for writing research papers. Ballenger explained how to write a paper so different that the
way we taught in high school. He set all past myths about writing papers aside. The third
question is not really a question that I can answer because each professor has a different way of
teaching their class, but it would incredible if they introduced the The Curious Researcher to
the class. It would better help students understand what they are doing when they are writing
their inquiry paper. The last question is a little tricky to answer. I think skills are gained after
practice with writing. Having feedback from your teachers and reading the Ballenger book will
really help accomplish better skills in writing. Peer reviews will give you an insight on what your
readers think that you need to work on. By working on your work more readily you will be on
the right rack to becoming a better writer in general.