Choose Your Own Dating Adventure

CHOOSE YOUR OWN DATING ADVENTURE
Written & Directed

by
Reina Yaari
PENNY mid-twenties Shy and demure young librarian who knits and collects antiques.
She has a close knit bond with her cat, Mr. Mu, who ha!!ens to be a stued animal
she kee!s in her !urse.
DAVE mid-thirties "lean cut aristocratic ellow who is #ery awkward. $e wants to be a
great no#elist but currently %ust writes articles and mo#ie re#iews or !orn maga&ines.
WANDA mid-twenties S!irited bartender who works at bar and bistro $ot 'in Roo, she
ne#er lea#es home without a lask o whiskey. She has a secret crush on her co-worker
Scarlet (i#a )a *lame, and wishes she was a man, so she stood a chance o getting
with Scarlet.
NORMAN mid-twenties +i-se,ual accountant who moonlights as a headline drag
queen, by the name o Scarlet (i#a )a *lame at the bar and bistro, $ot 'in Roo.
ALICE mid-twenties to mid-thirties Single mother o three boys, she calls hersel a
widow e#er since her husband was sentenced to lie or manslaughter in the irst
degree.
BEN mid-thirties -erdy stoner man who li#es in his !arent.s basement and s!ends most
i his time !laying dungeons and dragons and WoW.
FEMALE CONSCIOUSNESS & MALE CONSCIOUSNESS
'hese two roles are !layed alternately by whate#er actor and or actress in not !laying a
character role in a scene. 'hey are the internal thoughts o the characters in each
scene. 'hey are dressed all in black and their shirts ha#e thought bubble caricatures on
them.
CHOOSE YOUR OWN DATING ADVENTURE
ACT ONE SCENE ONE
(PENNY & FEMALE CONSCIOUSNESS enter Stage Right. PENNY sits at the table
center stage. FEMALE CONSCIOUSNESS stands !stage t" the right.#
FEMALE CONSCIOUSNESS
/h dear, 0 am twenty minutes early. 1ust going to sit here and wait or my date. What i
he is running late2 /k rela,, %ust si! your coee and rela,. What i he stands me u!2
'hat would be terrible. /k %ust sto!. Read your book, 0 will %ust absorb into 'he "ount o
Monte "risto, and all will be ine. $e will !robably ind my cultured reading attracti#e, he
does say he is a writer on his !roile.
($A%E and MALE CONSCIOUSNESS enter stage right. &e st"!s t" l""' PENNY "(er.#
MALE CONSCIOUSNESS
'hat must be 3enny. She said she would be wearing a lower dress with a white
sweater. "ute. (ery "ute. 0 ho!e she has hal a brain. Most !eo!le lie on their !roiles.
She seems highly intellectual, but you ne#er know. (ery cute, though.
($A%E cr"sses t" the table. MALE CONSCIOUSNESS cr"sses t" stand !stage le)t.#
DAVE
4re you 3enny2
PENNY
/h hello. You must be Da#e2 3lease sit.
DAVE
-ah, 0.ll %ust stand here. $a. 5idding. ($A%E sits d"*n.#
Was that su!!osed to be unny2
MALE CONSCIOUSNESS
6od, that was lame. /k. 6o with things you ha#e in common. )iterature.
DAVE
"ount o Monte "risto2 0nteresting choice. 0 ound the e#olution o the main character
through his dri#en #engeance, to be thrilling. Destroying e#eryone who ruined his lie
with such class and style. 'he dynamic twist o the young man being his true born son
is touching and encloses the !lot with such !oetic %ustice.
PENNY
/h really, this is my irst time reading it. $e only %ust esca!ed the !rison.
MALE CONSCIOUSNESS
/h no, 0 %ust s!oiled the rest o the no#el. 0 hate s!oilers.
Really2 Did he really %ust gi#e away the whole storyline2 0diot.
DAVE
0.m such an idiot.
Yeah that was !retty lame.
DAVE
0 hate s!oilers, and now 0 am guilty o ruining a truly ama&ing story.
/k change the to!ic. 4sk him about his writing.
PENNY
*orget it. 0t.s ok. So, you say in your !roile that you7re a writer2
DAVE
Yes, 0 as!ire to be a no#elist but 0 write articles to !ay the bills.
MALE CONSCIOUSNESS
8uick change the sub%ect beore she asks-
PENNY
-What sort o articles2
MALE CONSCIOUSNESS
4sks something like that. "ra!, well here is ho!ing or an o!en mind or a dirty one.
DAVE
Well it #aries, 0 write or ahem, adult maga&ines and whate#er to!ics a!!ly. Sometimes
0 write bios on the models and 0 also-
PENNY
-Wait. What kind o maga&ines2
Did he say adult maga&ines2 4s in !orno2 "an you e#en call that writing and kee! any
sense o sel res!ect2
DAVE
4dult, !orn they are !orno maga&ines.
PENNY
/h. /k, %ust making sure 0 heard that right. 'hat must be uh-
-What do 0 say2 What do 0 say2 'hink9 'hink9 'hink9
PENNY
6ood !ractice2 5ee! the words lowing, your creati#e %uices !um!ing. +ang that drum
o writ wit. See what 0 did there, writing to writ and wit2 Yeah, stimulate you to do what
you want to do, writing. Stimulate you to write. 1ust kee! on writing. Writing. Writing.
Writing.
/h my god. 5ill me now.
MALE CONSCIOUSNESS
/n the !lus side. She is e,tra cute when she gets lustered.
DAVE
Yes, it certainly kee!s me in the !ractice o-
DAVE & PENNY
Writing.
MALE CONSCIOUSNESS & FEMALE CONSCIOUSNESS
*ree&e9 'ime to choose your own dating ad#enture9
MALE CONSCIOUSNESS
"an 0 ha#e a random #olunteer rom the audience2 Raise your hand to !artici!ate.
'ake your !ick dear lady. (FEMALE CONSCIOUSNESS ta'es a +"+ent t" !ic' and
stand ! "ne ") the ("lnteers.#
Your name good #olunteer2 :#eryone gi#e a big round o a!!lause or (na+e ")
("lnteer#.
MALE CONSCIOUSNESS
'his dating ad#enture can go one o three ways, you hold the ate o these two !oor
souls in your #ery hands. 0 am now going to list three !lot choices or you to choose
rom. De!ending on which one you !ick, will set the outcome o this dating ad#enture or
all o time. 4re you ready bra#e #olunteer2 Your three !lot choices are ;. Da#e asks
3enny why she chose to sign u! with the match making agency, )o#e Story< We hel!
write your airy tale2 =. Da#e knows 3enny does not care or his work, he tells 3enny
that his %ob !ays or his condo and )e,us 0S con#ertible. /r >. 3enny asks Da#e i he
likes animals, and tells him about her best riend and cat, Mr. Mu.
Do you understand your o!tions2 What is your choice2 4udience gi#e another round o
a!!lause or our bra#e #olunteer. 'he ad#enture continues with !lot choice number
(sa,s !ic'ed !l"t ch"ice it-s descri!ti"n#.
MALE CONSCIOUSNESS
4nd back to our regularly scheduled !rogramming.
(MALE CONSCIOUSNESS & *:M4): CONSCIOUSNESS res+e their !laces
standing !stage le)t and right t" PENNY & $A%E#
Resume the dating ad#enture9
((NOTE: This part is a bit confusing to explain. Basically depending on what the
volunteer's chooses will dictate what parts of the script are !ept in play and or
how things end. " have #apped things out so depending on what is chosen will
change the course of the script now and later on. " will detail this better later if
needed. E#ail #e if you need #ore clarification or have $uestions if you
please.%%
(/. $a(e as's Penn, *h, she ch"se t" sign ! *ith the +atch +a'ing agenc,0 L"(e
St"r,1 2e hel! *rite ,"r )air, tale.#
DAVE
So how did you end u! getting in#ol#ed with the agency2 0 signed on with )o#e Story<
We hel! write your airy tale, because they seemed #ery thorough and had un date set
u!s.
PENNY
Yeah, 0 lost a bet.
DAVE
You lost a bet2
PENNY
Yeah, a library member who works or them, dared me to tear a corner o a book !age.
0 0 tore it, 0 got ?;@@@ dollars and i not, then 0 had to sign u! with the dating agency.
DAVE
So here we are. 4re you %ust doing this to honor the bet2
PENNY
De!ends on how things go, 0 su!!ose.
MALE CONSCIOUSNESS
'ear %ust one !age corner and earn a grand. 0 would burn the darn book or a grand.
(3. $a(e 'n"*s Penn, d"esn-t li'e his 4"b0 s" he tells her that it !a,s )"r his c"nd" and
Le5s IS c"n(ertible.#
PENNY
$ow does one get into writing articles or adult maga&ines2
DAVE
My Sister is a !hotogra!her, she does a lot o adult !hotogra!hy. She got me connected
with the right !eo!le, and e#en though it isn.t the sort o writing 0 originally sought out, it
!ays the bills, rent or my condo and my lo#ely )e,us 0S con#ertible. 0 can tell you don.t
a!!ro#e, but it is a good !aying %ob and 0 am a good writer.
PENNY
1ust don.t e,!ect me to e#er read your work.
3enny you are being horribly rude. 6i#e the guy a break.
PENNY
0.m sorry. 'hat was a bit rude. *orgi#e me2
DAVE
*orgi#en.
(6. Penn, as's $a(e i) he li'es ani+als0 and tells hi+ ab"t Mr. M)).#
PENNY
4re you an animal lo#er2
DAVE
0 en%oy eating them.
PENNY
*unny. 0 ask you that, because my best riend in the world is my cat. $is name is Mr.
Mu and he is the sweetest most wonderul tom cat in the world.
MALE CONSCIOUSNESS
She named her !ussy cat Mr. Mu2 Really.
DAVE
0 am sure he is a #ery ine cat.
PENNY
'he best, always #ery cuddly, and !layul. )istens to )udwig (an +eeto#en and o
course 'he 3ussy "at Dolls. $e lo#es to watch Downton 4bby and he adores +uy the
(am!ire Slayer.
DANNY
Mr. Mu has an eclectic range o tastes.
0 think Mr. Mu might not bite a guy 0 bring home or once.
MALE CONSCIOUSNESS
'his cat could be a deal breaker. Resist saying something that will oend her cra&y cat
lo#e. 8uick, change the sub%ect.
DAVE
Do you ha#e any a#orite classic authors2
PENNY
+ooks are my gemstones. +eing a librarian is like li#ing in my own !ersonal treasury.
$ard to !ick %ust one a#orite author, more like old riends 0 oten #isit again and again.
DAVE
'hat is deinitely how 0 eel about Sir 4rthur "onan Doyle, )ouisa May 4lcott, and your
eatured 4le,andre Dumas.
PENNY
)ouisa May 4lcott2
DAVE
Don7t make un, but 0 am a sucker or )ittle Women. 0t makes me cry e#ery time.
PENNY
0t makes me cry as well. Don7t make un o me or being yet another 1ane 4usten girl. 0
ha#e read all o her works, but the classics 0 ha#e read the most are !robably (ictor
$ugo7s 'he $unchback o -otre-Dame and o course, )es Miserables.
6oing better. Maybe this guy really is worth getting to know.
DAVE
6ood story and ama&ing characters. 0 %ust wrote a mo#ie re#iew about )es Miserables.
PENNY
/h you write or a mo#ie column. 0n a news!a!er or website2
DAVE
0 write mo#ie re#iews or a ew maga&ines, (Penn, ta'es a si! ") her drin'.# including
'&4, 4sian Sluts, and also $orny 6ingers.
PENNY
(Penn, hal) ch"'es "n her si!0 and c"ghs a bit t" clear her thr"at.# Right. 'he adult-
DAVE
4dult maga&ines. Yeah, it !ays. Se, sells and all that.
MALE CONSCIOUSNESS
Danger &one. You are hanging yoursel, !ull some class together. 'his girl is great.
Don7t mess this u!.
(Penn, and $a(e sit si!!ing at their drin's.#
$i Mom and Dad, 0 met this great guy9 "annot wait or you to meet him, what was that2
What does he do or a li#ing2 $e writes or #ulgar adult !orno maga&ines. 0t is good
money.
DAVE
0 really want to write mystery and historical iction. 4re you listening2 :arth to 3enny.
Why Dad, you might ha#e read some o his articles. Do you subscribe to 4sian Sluts2
-o. Well maybe '&42 You do. $ow about $orny 6ingers2 /h Mom, 0 didn7t know you
were into that2 You both may ha#e read his articles then, bring him to Sunday dinner2
Sure thing9 /h dear 6od. 'hat would be tragic.
DAVE
$ello. 3enny2
PENNY
Sorry, mind sort o ran away with me.
DAVE
0t.s ok. You know, you.re #ery !retty.
PENNY
0 am2 0 mean, thank you. 'han you #ery much.
DAVE
You.re #ery welcome. Did you want to !erha!s go some!lace else2 Maybe a restaurant
or some sort o nightclub2
MALE CONSCIOUSNESS
"an 0 ha#e a new random #olunteer rom the audience2 Raise your hand to !artici!ate.
'ake your !ick dear lady. A*:M4): "/-S"0/BS-:SS takes a moment to !ick and
stand u! one o the #olunteers.C
Your name good #olunteer2 :#eryone gi#e a big round o a!!lause or Aname o
#olunteerC.
MALE CONSCIOUSNESS
all o time. 4re you ready bra#e #olunteer2 Your three !lot choices are ;. 3enny
!retends to go to the restroom, and ditches Da#e. Sad. =. 3enny and Da#e mo#e their
date orward and make !lans or a second date. $a!!y. >. Da#e makes a mo#e to kiss
3enny, and gets sla!!ed. 4wkward.
(("lnteer-s !ic' and !l"t ch"ice descri!ti"n#.
MALE CONSCIOUSNESS
4nd back to our regularly scheduled !rogramming.
(MALE CONSCIOUSNESS & FEMALE CONSCIOUSNESS res+e their !laces
standing !stage le)t and right t" PENNY & $A%E#
Resume the dating ad#enture9
(/. Penn, !retends t" g" t" the restr""+0 and ditches $a(e. Sad.#
PENNY
:,cuse me, 0 am going to go use the ladies room.
DAVE
/k. 07ll be here.
PENNY
6reat. (PENNY & FEMALE CONSCIOUSNESS e5it stage le)t.#
MALE CONSCIOUSNESS
She seems into me. 07m into her, this could be something good. 0 really think she tried
to !ush !ast my unique %ob outline and saw that 0 am a cultured man with taste and
class. 3enny seems the most genuine girl, %ust like her !roile. 4 humble, intellectual,
librarian and attracti#e. She is engaging and riendly, 0 am so glad 0 came out on this
date instead o hooking u! with some !orn star girl again. Meaningless se, %ust doesn7t
buy you lo#e. -ow 3enny, she is my kind o coin to buy into a long term romance.
Maybe 0 am reading into things, but it seems like she thinks 0 am a air catch2 We could
really make a connection. 'here is something s!arking here, 0 %ust know it. 0 mean, this
girl could really be the- she has been gone or a while. 0 wonder what is taking so long.
Darn it, 0 think 0 got ditched again.
DAVE
0 got ditched. (Sigh. &ead in hands.# -ot again.
MALE CONSCIOUSNESS
0 really thought we could ha#e had something.
(3. Penn, and $a(e +"(e their date )"r*ard and +a'e !lans )"r a sec"nd date.
&a!!,.#
(PENNY & FEMALE CONSCIOUSNESS enter stage le)t. She cr"sses t" stand at the
table.#
MALE CONSCIOUSNESS
/h good, she is still here. 3enny you are a bright co!!er beauty.
0 he kee!s looking at me like that, 0 am going to blush all o#er.
DAVE
'hought maybe you let me, or a minute there.
PENNY
/nly or a short time. Shall we mo#e our date along2 0 know a great bistro around the
block, with li#e %a&& !laying tonight. What do you think2
DAVE
Sounds enchanting.
PENNY
)et7s go Mr. "harming.
DAVE
6ladly Miss. "a!ti#ating.
PENNY
)aying it on a little thick.
DAVE
-e#er.
(E(er,"ne e5its stage right. OR 6. $a(e +a'es a +"(e t" 'iss Penn, t"" s""n0 and
gets sla!!ed. A*'*ard.#
($A%E leans in and atte+!ts t" 'iss PENNY and gets sla!!ed.#
PENNY
/h my9 Sorry, 0 was caught o guard. 0t was %ust ast to try and kiss me. 0t was %ust a
bit-
DAVE
-*ine, no 0 am sorry. 3oor choice on my !art. 6ot caught u! in a moment, a moment
with %ust mysel ob#iously.
PENNY
Maybe we should call-
DAVE
-"all it a night2
PENNY
Yeah, but 0 want a do o#er. 0 mean a second date. 0 still want to see you again, i that
sounds agreeable. Maybe start at that bistro and bar, it.s called $ot 'in Roo, we could
meet there2
DAVE
Really2 0 mean yeah, deinitely. May 0 escort you out to your car2
PENNY
Yes you may.
(E(er,"ne e5its stage right.#
ACT ONE- SCENE TWO
(MALE CONSCIOUSNESS & FEMALE CONSCIOUSNESS re7enter )"ll"*ing 2AN$A
& NORMAN *h" cr"ss d"*nstage le)t and la, "t a blan'et. 2AN$A has a !icnic
bas'et and bac'!ac'0 and NORMAN has the blan'et.#
NORMAN
/ne thing 0 will say or this arranged dating ser#ice, they ha#e taste, 0 ne#er would ha#e
thought to ha#e a !icnic on a irst date. (2AN$A !lls "t a hi! )las' and n"ds at hi+
*hile ta'ing si!s.# -ice o them to !ro#ide e#erything, rom blanket, to ood and lask2
WANDA
'his is my whiskey lask, may it ne#er run dry9 Want a !ull2 (NORMAN sha'es his
head.#
NORMAN
4s a bartender, do you ind yoursel inclined to stay sober. 6et tired o all the cra&y
boo&e hounds in your lie2
WANDA
-o not really. Why2
FEMALE CONSCIOUSNESS: Don.t tell me this guy is a total square.
MALE CONSCIOUSNESS: She really doesn.t recogni&e me2 She hasn.t got a clue.
NORMAN
-o reason. (Sits d"*n.#
WANDA
(Sits d"*n.# 4s an accountant, do you tire o running your own inances2
NORMAN
-o, 0 take great !ride and care in kee!ing my money in order.
WANDA
Well 0 take great !ride in being a damn good barkee! and mi,ologist. Working at a bar
and bistro like the $ot 'in Roo is loads o un. We ha#e li#e music, mostly %a&&,
burlesque girls, comedy, and drag queens. 'here is ne#er a dull moment. -ow !lease
tell me you ha#e more to you than !unching numbers or 0 will be lea#ing right now.
MALE CONSCIOUSNESS
Should 0 tell her2 -o, kee! the mystery. Start with something else.
NORMAN
07m bise,ual. So 0 count e#eryone in2 Sorry, accounting humor.
5inda unny %oke. $e swings both ways, that is something.
WANDA
Really2 0 always wanted to hook u! with two men, both into me and into each other.
'hat seems so incredibly hot.
NORMAN
-e#er done anything like that, but 0 can see the a!!eal it has to some !eo!le.
WANDA
4!!ealing to some !eo!le2 You don.t think that ha#ing two lo#ers on you at once, doing
wonderul things to your body would be cra&y hot2
NORMAN
0 admit that it would be e,tremely se,y, #ery hot. 4t least the idea o it is se,y and hot.
Who is this guy2 $e seems oddly amiliar2 Maybe he has been to my work and his ace
blended in with the bar rush2 -o, 0 think 0 would remember him, he is #ery good
looking. Why else would 0 ha#e acce!ted him rom to! my agency com!atible lo#e
!icks.
WANDA
You don.t ha#e to hold back with me. 0 am the kind o woman who dances on bar to!s
while gi#ing !atrons shots directly rom the bottle, as they stu twenties in my !ants.
Shock #alue takes a lot, or a girl like me.
MALE CONSCIOUSNESS
Maybe 0 can re#eal that she knows me on our second date. Scarlet (i#a )a *lame is
the headline drag queen at $ot 'in Roo, 0 can ask to %oin her or the end o her shit
when 0 !erorm ne,t week as Scarlet. Wanda and 0 always ha#e barrels o laughs at
work, but she doesn.t recogni&e me out o drag.
"an 0 ha#e a new random #olunteer rom the audience2 Raise your hand to !artici!ate.
'ake your !ick dear gentleman. (FEMALE CONSCIOUSNESS ta'es a +"+ent t" !ic'
and stand ! "ne ") the ("lnteers.#
MALE CONSCIOUSNESS
Your name good #olunteer2 :#eryone gi#e a big round o a!!lause or (na+e ")
("lnteer#.
all o time. 4re you ready bra#e #olunteer2 Your three !lot choices are ;. Wanda admits
to -orman that she has a secret crush on one o her gay co-workers, who !erorms as a
drag queen. =. -orman sets u! a second date with Wanda, to meet her at work on a
drag show night dressed as Scarlet. /r >. -orman and Wanda don.t set u! another
date, he !lans to coness his secret crush or her when they see each other at work at
the ne,t drag show. 4gain, dressed as Scarlet.
MALE CONSCIOUSNESS
(sa,s !ic'ed !l"t ch"ice it-s descri!ti"n#.
3lease tune in ne,t week to continue to en%oy these dating ad#entures.
'hank you or !artici!ating in dating ad#entures9 You hel! us write the airy tales9

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