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Documentary

Now Serving #98. I looked down at my paper ticket, I was number 134 oh boy. The
Department of Motor Vehicles was never my favorite place, especially in the morning. I was sitting in the
back, staring at a sea of disgruntled heads in front of me, when a man sat down next to me.
Im number 175. Whats your number? He excitedly asked.
People werent supposed to get this excited waiting in line. Im number 134. Good luck
buddy.
Oh Im not here by chance. Not at all. Ive been planning this trip for months. This is my first
time this really is amazing.
Sorry to hear that. Youll probably be out before noon. I hope you brought all your forms with
you. This was my second no my third trip here.
What I want to know is why why you do it. With the level of technology you possess, there
must be a simpler way. I mean, its not like you live for thousands of years; in fact your life spans are
frighteningly short Im surprised youve accomplished anything at all. So why? Why do you wait in
lines when you could be out and about? With all your automation and computerization why do you sit
in places like these?
I looked at my neighbor. Are you from another planet buddy?
Actually, Im from another galaxy. For an instant, his appearance changed. I was sitting next
to my favorite one-eyed blue alien.
Oh my God. What are you doing here? My words came out in an embarrassed, frenzied
whisper.
Mitchell, stop worrying, its fine. This whole planet thinks Im a 40 year old man, simply
wandering around. Surbedus pulled out what looked like a cell phone, but the buttons were in this
bizarre configuration and covered with shifting, otherworldly glyphs. Lets see, he tapped a few keys,
there! All done. Your new car is now registered. Lets go.
As we walked across the parking lot, I turned to him. I was about to say that what you did was
illegal, but I dont really know what you did.
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Youre welcome. Is this your vehicle?
Brand new 2014 Thompson Zip. Its a little bit modest, but I dont need anything special.
Surbedus scanned my car. An electric engine? How primitive Ill have to upgrade that for
you.
How long have you been working for the Porcelain Dragon? I turned the key in the ignition
and she purred.
Working for? Im sorry Mitchell, Im just getting used to your concepts and way of thinking.
Ive been working for Hoshi for some time now. On to your next question: are you working for the
Porcelain Dragon? Not really; its hard to explain.
So what would you say that Im doing?
Surbedus smiled. The best you can.
I turned on the radio and my intergalactic friend sang along with The Velvet Underground as
they espoused Rock n Roll. His voice descended into a low multi-harmonic pulse that shook the whole
car. At other times his voice sounded like a cat meowing through a box fan.
Are you having fun?
His pupils congealed into one super black spot. Im having a blast.

Maggie pounded on my door. Cmon Mitch! I havent got all day.
I opened the door only a crack. What do you want?
I want to drive your Zip. You promised that I could after you got back from the DMV. How did
you get back so fast anyways?
Its being worked on.
Well then just be that way!
Surbedus called from the garage. Mitchell, I need some ice cubes.
Whos in your garage? Maggie looked over to her right, but the garage door was shut.
A visitor. Hes an expert mechanic well, not really but hes good with cars. Sort of.
These Hydrogen converters wont install themselves. Surbedus words had a sweet melodic
ring to them.
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Hydrogen converters? Maggie walked past me and into the garage. Mitchtheres a.what
the hell is that? She just stood there, transfixed.
Maggie, this is Uncle Barry. I gently led her to my alien mechanic.
Oh Mitchell, stop youre embarrassing me. Will one of you get some ice cubes? Surbedus
was busily re-arranging parts.
Several minutes later, with Maggie still in a state of disbelief, Surbedus stood back and grinned.
Its done? I walked around my car.
Its done. She will never need another drop of gasoline or volt of electricity. She runs on
Oxygen and Hydrogen now. What a beauty! About the color though. Bob change color to bright
green.
The car instantly went from black to green.
How did you do that? You named my car? You named my car Bob?
Bob seemed a popular name. Now, lets give it one last check. He pulled out his device and
frowned. This is odd. Why are the readings doing this?
Whats wrong? Did you break it? I was worried that I would never get to drive my Zip again.
The car is fine. The space-time continuum five miles from here is, well, ruptured. Oh! There
we go its back to normal. No wait, theres something displacing our dimension. This is very unusual;
in fact Id say its unprecedented. Lets go.
So the three of us drove off in the worlds first Hydrogen-Oxygen fueled car. It handled like a
dream and purred like a smug lioness. I turned on the radio and a stream of chattering, alien dialect
pounded our ears.
I hope you dont mind; I expanded your radios range. Oh my! Neutrino Farm stocks are
down; mother always told me to stay away from risky investments. Oh here! Pull in here!

We stopped in the middle of a farmers field. There were rows and rows of corn on either side,
their leaves trembling in the warm summer breeze.
Mitch, whats going on? Maggie whispered to me.
Im not sure.
Is it safe? She nervously looked around.
Nothings happened yet. I winked.
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Actually, something is happening; its been happening for some time now. Its just that their
activity has gone undetected by our primitive technology. Surbedus walked around in a circle,
occasionally looking up.
Our primitive technology?
They are scanning your environment with an electromagnetic field thats outside anything
science has ever proven existed. Lets see if I can get more readings. Aha! Surbedus brought up a
holographic, three-dimensional image, which hovered above his device. It was a black coil with
wriggling white tendrils on the top and bottom. Every so often, the probe shuddered.
What is it? Maggie looked up at the sky.
Im not sure. I do know its not from our dimension. I do know the field that its emitting is
changing. However, the energy is still outside the scientifically proven boundaries that weve all come
to know and love. Surbedus pushed a few buttons.
Is it dangerous? I joined Maggie in her search for the weird object. There was nothing above
us but blue sky and puffy white clouds.
If I knew what it was, then I could inform you as to whether or not it was dangerous. It does
seem to be occasionally displacing our space time continuum for some reason. Oh goodness is it
sending something back?
Whats going on? I was doing my best to be the calm, in charge hero.
A transmission! Theyre sending back a transmission! The field is changing; the
electromagnetic frequency is just outside of our normal. Uh-oh.
Uh-oh? I didnt like the sound of that.
Maggie, Mitchell, its time to leave. Surbedus quickly ushered us into the car. Now drive
fast, very fast.
Whats going on? Maggie was freaking out.
Hopefully nothing. Hopefully nothing. Mitchell, I will be back in a few minutes. Surbedus
simply melted out of sight.
Mitch, what the hell is going on? Maggie turned to me for reassurance.
The guy with all the clues just left. Sorry sis. But I promise you that, whatever it is, it should be
really interesting.
Oh I hope not Mitchell, Surbedus words flowed through my head like wine, interesting is
that last thing we want.
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I parked the car in the driveway and we ran into the house.
OK, were home. What do you want us to do now? I asked.
Cross your fingers. Surbedus replied. Lets see, its very simple, you can do this blue man, just
keep up with them, its like huppa-bidda-huppa when you were small. Its a childs game. Dont worry
Mitchell, this should work. I was never really good at that game, but its been a long time hopefully
Ive gotten better.
What is he doing? Maggie turned to me.
Im going to cancel the probes field with frequencies that are the exact opposite of what its
transmitting. In effect, Im going to blind it. Surbedus was trying his best to be optimistic.
Why? What dont you want it to see? I looked out the window. I never felt so vulnerable in
my life.
Us.

That evening, Surbedus simply appeared in my living room. He sat down on the couch and
sighed. Then he regained his cheery persona. Well, its done. Im not sure whats next, but whats
done is done; somehow well adapt. Hopefully their interest in us is purely scientific.
What happened? I brought in some potato chips, then wondered how our guest would eat
them.
I failed; or to put it another way they succeeded.
Succeeded at what? Maggie dove into the chips.
Observation. That was their goal all along. All I could do in the end was study their
transmission; I had to invent several new algorithms and do some interesting math, but with the help of
the galaxys top brains, I decoded some information.
What did you find out? I offered Surbedus a root beer.
He gladly took it, sniffed it, and then put the straw in one of his gills. Why this is delicious. I
found out two things: a purpose and a name. The ones who sent the probe were doing what you call a
documentary.
Like Oliver Nesbitts Undersea Kingdom? Maggie interrupted.
Exactly. Surbedus put a chip between his gills and then spat it out.
And the name? I asked.
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Axertane.

Bfk
2014 Benjamin F. Kaye