HR B3

Clear Writing
Fight the fog
Exercises

Human Resources and Security
Learning and Development

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Training developed for the European Commission
by DEMOS under the terms of a framework contract.

www.demos.fr
www.demosgroup.com



This training manual complies with EMAS rules.

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Creative vs Expository Writing

The writer of the following passage seems confused about the difference between creative
writing and expository writing. Can you explain why?


The first case was settled for 200,000, and the second piece of litigation was disposed of
out of court for 300,000, while the price of the amicable accord reached in the third suit
was 500,000.











Something similar could also be said of the person who wrote this. Why?


However, the current situation being as previously herein described, and notwithstanding
any indications to the contrary, in the absence of any further and more detailed
subsequent information being made available at a later point in time, the conclusion which
the writer is compelled to reach regarding the matter is ...











On the next 2 pages are 2 letters. Read each letter and make some notes about them,
such as who you think the reader is, the language used, length of sentences, layout.

Consider, in particular, which letter you would prefer to write, and which letter you would
prefer to read?

Discuss.
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Letter 1



Dear _____________:

You are kindly requested to furnish medical evidence in support of your pending
claim for pension payments. The best type of evidence to submit would be either a report
of a recent medical examination by your personal physician, or a report from a hospital or
clinic that you have presented yourself at for treatment recently. The said report should
include total and complete findings and diagnoses of the condition which you claim has
rendered you permanently and totally disabled. It is not necessary for you to actually
receive an examination at this point in time. It is only required that a report from a doctor,
hospital, or clinic that has treated you recently is forwarded.

This evidence should be submitted as soon as possible, preferably on or before 60
days. If receipt of this information is not within 60 days from the date of this letter, your
claim will be denied. Evidence must be received by the Department of Social Security
within one year from the date of this letter; otherwise, benefits, if entitlement is established,
may not be paid prior to the date of its receipt. SHOW FULL NAME AND Soc.Sec. FILE
NUMBER ON ALL EVIDENCE SUBMITTED.

Privacy Act Information: The information requested by this letter is duly authorized
by existing law (38 E.U. 210 (c)(1)) and is considered necessary and relevant to determine
entitlement to maximum benefits applied for under the law. The information submitted may
be disclosed outside the Department of Social Security only as permitted by law.


____________________
Adjudication Officer
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Letter 2


Dear _______________:

We received your claim for a pension on (date). The law requires us to ask you for
more information to decide if you are entitled to a pension.

What We Need
Please send us a medical report from a doctor or clinic you have visited in the past
six months. The report should show why you cannot go back to work.
You may take this letter and the enclosed Guide to your doctor. It explains exactly
what information should be included in the report.
When We Need It
We need the doctor's report by November 17, 2007. We will have to refuse your
claim if we don't get the report by that date.
Your Right to Privacy
The information you give us is private. We might have to give out this information
in a few special cases. But we will not give it out to the general public without your
permission. We've attached a form which explains your privacy rights.

If you have any questions about this letter, you may call us at 44-800-827-100.
The call is free.

Yours Sincerely,
__________________


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Clear Writing Start With Clear Thinking

Some people are naturally-gifted writersthe rest of us have to work at it, in which case it
helps if you can follow a process.

Depending on how complex your document needs to be, there are up to 5 steps in the
writing process:

Thinking,
Planning,
Writing,
Revising,
Editing.

Exercise

Here are 5 personalities, each with different skills which are very useful during the
different parts of the process. See if you can match the personality to the process step and
make some notes about what qualities the personality might have which would be useful
to your writing.

Inspector Genius Judge Builder/Carpenter Architect

Process
Step
Personality Useful Qualities
Thinking




Planning




Writing




Revising




Editing




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Writing: Precise Information + Logically Linked

The first sentence in a paragraph is usually the topic sentence. By stating the controlling
idea, the topic sentence focuses the readers mind.

As well, with well-introduced paragraphs, your writing will become much more skimmable:
readers who are in a hurry will get your point efficiently.

Good paragraph openers contain a transitional word or phrase to ease the readers way
from one paragraph to the next. Readers can then immediately understand whether the
new paragraph amplifies what has preceded, contrasts with it, or follows it in some other
way.

A good paragraph opener establishes a connection by using one or two of the following
devices:

Pointing wordswords like this, that, these, those, and the.
Echo linkswords or phrases in which a previously idea reverberates.
Explicit connectivestransition words such as further, also, therefore.

Here is a list of some explicit connectives.

When adding a point: also, and, in addition, besides, similarly, nor, along with, likewise,
too, moreover, further
When giving an example: for instance, for example, as one example, likewise, another
When restating: that is, this means, in short, again
When introducing a cause: because, since, when
When introducing a result: so, as a result, thus, therefore, accordingly, then
When contrasting: but, instead, yet, however, still, nevertheless, conversely, whereas,
in contrast to, unfortunately
When qualifying: of course, admittedly, though, even though, even if, only if, true, while,
naturally, in some cases, occasionally, if, despite
When pressing a point: in fact, indeed, of course, without exception, still, even so,
anyway, assuredly
When explaining a sentence: that is, then, earlier, previously, meanwhile, now, until
now, later, eventually, finally
When summing up: to summarise, to sum up, to conclude, in short, so, consequently
When sequencing ideas: First, ... Second, ... Third, ... Finally

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Writing: Precise Information + Logically Linked

Exercise

The following sentences are consecutive paragraph openers from Lawrence Friedmans
Crime and Punishment in American History (1993). Identify the bridging words, as well as
the bridging method (pointing word, echo link, explicit connective), in each paragraph
opener, beginning with the second. Remember that each of these paragraph openers is
followed by several other sentences in the paragraph. Youre not trying to link the
sentences listed; rather, youre trying to spot words in each paragraph opener that relate
explicitly to what must have come at the end of the preceding paragraph.

1. The automobile made its first appearance on the streets, for all practical purposes, in
the first decade of this century.
2. By 1940, the United States had become an automobile society.
3. The numbers have continued to rise, as automobiles choke the roads and highways,
and millions of people, living in the land of suburban sprawl, use the automobile as
their lifelineconnecting them to work, shopping, and the outside world in general.
4. Thus, a person who parks overtime and gets a ticket will get an order to appear in
court and face the music.
5. In many localities, traffic matters were handled by municipal courts, police courts,
justices of the peace, and sometimes specialised departments of a municipal court.
6. The traffic court judge, as one would expect, did not have the prestige and dignity of a
higher-grade judge.
7. The root of all this evil was, perhaps, the fact that defendants did notand do notsee
themselves as criminals, but rather as unlucky people who got caught breaking a rule
that everybody breaks once in a while.
8. This attitude came to the surface in a 1958 American Bar Association report on traffic
matters in Oklahoma.

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Revising: As Short As Possible

When you revise, there are ways to shorten sentences.

Omit needless words.

The following sentence is 35 words long. It isnt overlong, but its still verbose.

It is not necessary that an investment advisers compensation be paid directly by the
person receiving investment advisory services, but only that the investment adviser
receive compensation from some source for his or her services.

See if you can rewrite the sentence to be only 15 words long, without loss in meaning.











Imagine how this helps in sentence after sentence, paragraph after paragraph.
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Replace compound constructions.

It also helps if you replace compound constructions with a shorter equivalent.

Replace this With this
an adequate number of enough
a number of several, many
a sufficient number of enough
at the present time now
at the time when when
at this point in time now
at that point in time then
during such time as while
during the course of during
for the reason that because
in the event that if
in the near future soon
is able to can
notwithstanding the fact that although
on a daily basis daily
on the ground that because
prior to before
subsequent to after
the majority of most
until such time as until
by means of by
by reason of because of
by virtue of by, under
for the purpose of to
in accordance with by, under
in as much as since
in connection with with, about, concerning
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in favour of for
in order to to
in relation to about, concerning
in the nature of like
with a view to to
with reference to about, concerning
in some instances sometimes
in many cases often
in the situation in which when
during the time that during, when
for the period that during, while
insofar as ... is concerned (omit it and start with the subject)
there is no doubt but that doubtless, no doubt
the question as to whether whether, the question whether
This is a topic that this topic
the fact that (omit it)

Exercise

Look through the list above and make a note of any constructions in the left-hand column
that you use regularly.

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Identify the circumlocutions in the sentences below, then rewrite the sentences so that
they are more concise.


Please note that we are unable to provide contractors with access to the Commission
Intranet in view of the fact that they are not members of Commission staff.


Until such time as we are in possession of more information, we will be unable to supply a
satisfactory reply to your inquiry.


In the event that there is a long time delay, there is concern that the agreement so far
reached could falter owing to the fact that too many issues are still unresolved or not
decided.


At this point in time, the Commission is not in a position to say if the programme developed
for the transition from humanitarian assistance to development aid has been successful.


The representative said that she was of the opinion that the preliminary forecast had been
well received in spite of the fact that revisions would be necessary.


He underlined the importance of these new technologies in the near future from the point of
view of social and ecological implications.


As a result of strong concerns expressed by the EC delegation, members have submitted a
request for more elaborate information with a view to making a final assessment in the next
committee.


It seems there would be a possibility to set up a greater number of research institutes for
the purpose of further developing agricultural policies.



Prior to the start of the meeting, the vice-chair had indicated that he wanted to give up this
role as of the next board meeting.

In the event that visitors are not in possession of personal identification, the security guard
will not be in a position to grant them access to the building.
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Convert nominalizations back into verbs.

Consultants dont assess program resultsthey conduct an assessment of program results.
Politicians dont meet and decidethey attend a meeting and reach a decision.

When you use a nominalization unnecessarily, you generally have to support the resulting noun
with another verb and a preposition.

You can spot common nominalizations by their endings:
-al -ment -ant
-ence -ion -ent
-ancy -ency -ance
-ity

Some examples:
Nominalization Better Wording
conduct an examination of examine
make provision for provide for
provide a description of describe
submit an application apply
take into consideration consider

Exercise

Improve the following passage by changing all but one or two of the nominalizations. Do
any nominalizations need to stay?

An interested party may make an application for a modification or revocation of an anti-
dumping order (or termination of a suspension agreement) in conjunction with an annual
administrative review. A revocation application will normally receive no consideration by
the board unless there have been no sales at less than fair value for a period of at least
three consecutive years.

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Find the hidden main verb in the sentences below and rewrite the sentences.

1. The researchers must conduct an investigation into food safety and consumer
protection.


2. The units expectation was an earlier receipt of the documentation.



3. The meeting reached the decision to postpone the implementation until the New
Year.



4. A calculation of financial forecasts has been made on the basis of rates observed
during the last quarter.



5. An invitation has been extended to participants to alert the unit to any errors in the
preliminary results, so that corrections can be made accordingly.



6. There are expectations in the Commission that the answer to queries will be made
quickly and efficiently according to the deadlines.



7. An agreement has been reached for the allocation of extra funds in emergency
situations.



8. A summary of the decisions made and the actions to be taken were recorded in the
minutes.



9. Expectations for an acceleration of growth in 2005 are predicted, given the
favourable European climate.



10. The preparation of the proposal for the new procedures must be completed by the
end of the year.
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Prefer the active voice over the passive

Remember it this way: if youre active, you do things; if youre passive, things are done to
you.

The active voice typically has four advantages over the passive:
It usually requires fewer words.
It better reflects a chronologically ordered sequence.
It makes the readers job easier because its syntax meets the English-speakers
expectation that the sentence subject will perform the action of the verb.
It makes the writing more vigorous and lively.

However, there are times when the passive is useful. Do you know when they are?








Exercise

Count the passive-voice constructions in the following paragraph. Decide which ones you
would change to active voice. Change them.

During the taxable years at issue, the replacement fuel assemblies had not begun to be
used by the company for their specifically assigned function, namely, to generate electrical
power through nuclear fission. Nor were the assemblies placed in a state of readiness for
their intended use during the years in which they were acquired. That did not occur until
the spring of 2000, when, after more than a year of careful planning, the reactor was shut
down, various maintenance tasks were performed, spent fuel assemblies were removed,
the reactor was reconfigured using the new fuel assemblies in conjunction with partially
spent assemblies that were not replaced and low power testing was performed to ensure
that the reconfigured reactor core performed safely in accordance with specifications. Only
after those procedures had been successfully completed did the replacement fuel
assemblies generate salable electric power and, hence, income to taxpayer. Only at that
point could the replacement fuel assemblies be considered to have been placed in service.

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Revise for Eurospeak and False Friends

Exercise

Rewrite the following sentences, replacing the words in bold:

Todays training action is designed to introduce you to the work of DG X.



The Commission will launch an action to tell citizens about the new border arrangements.



Your affectation to DG X will take effect on April 1.



Delegations will find annexed a copy of the report.



You may send your candidature to DG X.



Controls of budget spending are made by the Court of Auditors.



A note was diffused to the DG X correspondents in the Member States.



DG X disposes of a large budget.



Budget engagements come to 3 million.



Send your eventual comments on this guide to V/2.



The evolution of this matter will be watched with interest.



The program will be executed in three stages.

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The Chairman exposed the difficult situation to the meeting.



Schemes in favour of refugees will be launched next year.



Globally, delegates were satisfied with the meeting.



Ms X asked whether DG X would be implicated in the exercise.



An important sum of money has been earmarked for the ESF.



The financial package was not very interesting.



The Chairman thanked Dr Y for her intervention and concluded the meeting.



Please join a copy of your CV.



The Director will normally come to todays meeting.



We must follow the orientations set out in the strategy paper.



I have resumed the main points of the meeting.



The matter is being dealt with by our services.


Unfortunately, the Head of Unit could not assist the meeting.



Lastly, the conditions were accepted.

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The assessment showed that the country had good perspectives.



The inspectors are responsible for carrying out controls.



An eventual delay could damage the agreement reached.



The annexes can be found behind the document.



Please could you remember all staff that badges must be displayed on entry.



The meeting was sensible and needed to be reported until next week.



He summarised the meeting shortly.



In case visitors do not have identification, they will not be granted access.

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MORE EXERCISES
HOW TO DO THESE EXERCISES

Each exercise has three texts labelled "Original", "Analysis", and "Revision". The
procedure is as follows:

1. Cover the page so that only the "Original" is visible, and read the text.
2. As you read, and with everything else still covered, make notes about what you think
needs to be done to improve the "Original".
3. Uncover the "Analysis" and compare it with your notes.
4. Rewrite the text.

S. Finally, compare your work to the "Revision".

EXERCISE A

Original

A piece of electronic equipment installed in automobiles could allow insurance companies
to monitor the driving behaviour of their customers.
Each time a motorist uses the car, the device will record the roads being travelled and the
time of the journey, and send the information via satellite to the insurance company.
With this data, the company will be able to calculate the insurance premium for each
individual journey based on the relative risk of crashes on the different roads at different
times of the day. The motorist will receive a monthly or quarterly "usage statement", similar
to a telephone bill, itemising the insurance cost for each use of the car.
By agreeing to the system, motorists could save hundreds of euros on their automobile
insurance.
Because of the lower risk of crashes, trips on superhighways will cost less per kilometre
than on city roads and ....

Analysis
This text ignores the expository writing attitude: No one wants to read what you are going
to write. In other words, it fails to answer the all-important question: Why would anyone
want to read this? The lead could be of interest to "techno-nerds" (people with a natural
interest in science and technology), but what about everyone else?

Revision
Motorists could save hundreds of euros on their automobile insurance by allowing their
driving habits to be monitored by a satellite-tracking device installed in the vehicle.
Each time a motorist uses the car, the device will record the roads being travelled and the
time of the journey, and send the information to the insurance company.
The company will then calculate the insurance premium based on an assessment of the
relative risk of crashes on the different roads at different times of the day. Motorists will
receive a monthly or quarterly "usage statement", similar to a telephone bill, giving the
insurance cost for each journey.
Because of the lower risk of crashes, trips on superhighways will cost less per kilometre
than on city roads and ....

Simply moving the fourth paragraph of the Original to the first paragraph of the Revision
charges everything. Who wouldn't want to know how to save hundreds of euros on their
automobile insurance?
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EXERCISE B

Organising information

The following information is given piece by piece. Your task is to weave it into a clear,
concise, dense paragraph. You are not required to use all the information. Remember,
according to our definition of clarity, if there is something of "no importance", you should
leave it out.

Original

1. On May 29, France will vote on the European Union Constitution.

2. Five consecutive opinion polls show that the Constitution will be rejected in the French
referendum.

3. Each opinion poll has been increasingly negative.

4. The situation is grave, and troubling.

5. France is one of the founders of the EU.

6. Until now, it has been considered one of the leading pillars of the EU.

7. A no vote in France could seriously influence referendums in other EU countries.

8. President Jacques Chirac is a strong supporter of the EU Constitution.

9. The referendum is not required under French law.

10. President Chirac took the decision to hold the referendum.

11. Apparently he believes that he will be able to capitalise politically through a split of the
French Socialists over the EU Constitution.

Analysis

No analysis. Go directly to writing your text.

Revision

There is no right or wrong answer to this exercise. Everyone has his own style and will
apply the principles of good expository writing differently. As examples, below are three
different versions.

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Revision 1

President Jacques Chirac is heading for a heavy political defeat May 29 when France
holds its referendum on the European Union Constitution. Five consecutive opinion polls
strongly indicate that the vote will almost certainly be negative despite President Chirac's
strong support. Although the referendum is not required under French law, President
Chirac called it in expectation that the opposition Socialists would split on the issue,
thereby strengthening his government.

Revision 1 focuses on the political fortunes of Jacques Chirac, not the broader influence of
the French referendum. Items 3,4,5,6, and 7 have not been used

Revision 2

Both the European Union and French President Jacques Chirac appear to be heading for
a heavy political defeat May 29 when France holds its referendum on the European Union
Constitution. Five consecutive opinion polls strongly indicate that the vote will almost
certainly be negative despite President Chirac's strong support. Because France is a
founding member of the EU - and until now considered to be one of its strongest pillars - if
France votes against the Constitution, the confidence of other member states could be
severely shaken.

The problem might very well have been avoided. The referendum is not required under
French law; however President Chirac appears to have called it in expectation that the
opposition Socialists would split on the issue, thereby strengthening his government.
Ironically, exactly the opposite seems likely to occur.

Revision 2 focuses on both the political fortunes of Jacques Chirac and the broader
influence of the French referendum. Items 3 and 4 of the given information have not been
used.

Revision 3

The European Union appears to be heading for a severe setback due to a gross political
miscalculation by French President Jacques Chirac. On May 29, France holds its
referendum on the European Union Constitution. Five consecutive opinion polls strongly
indicate that the vote will almost certainly be negative despite President Chirac's strong
support. Because France is a founding member of the EU - and until now thought to be
one of its strongest pillars - if France votes against the Constitution, the confidence of
other member states could be profoundly shaken.

The problem might very well have been avoided. The referendum is not required under
French law; however President Chirac appears to have called it in expectation that the
opposition Socialists would split on the issue, thereby strengthening his government.
Exactly the opposite now seems likely to occur.

Revision 3 focuses on the problems to be created for the European Union by President
Chirac's decision to allow a referendum. Items 3 and 4 of the given information have not
been used.

Note that items 3 and 4 were not used in any of the versions.

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Item 3 is interesting information. It could have been used, but the writer chose not to do
so. For example: "Five consecutive and increasingly negative opinion polls strongly
indicated that .... "

Item 4 makes a statement that is obvious from the text. Using item 4 would add nothing
and therefore reduce clarity.

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EXERCISE C

You may not understand what the following paragraph is talking about, but you should still
be able to make it more clear and brief. There is no analysis, so:

1. First rewrite it

2. Then look at the Revision to see what a professional writer did with it.

Original

Our investment strategy has been conceived to achieve out-performance in respect to the
reference index on the basis of a 2 - 5 year rolling period that is individually fixed for each
specific bond mandate and for each specific bond fund. Each out-performance objective is
calculated and announced in function of the investment universe for each compartment,
which are namely government bonds, corporate bonds, or aggregates, taking into
consideration the geographical coverage. We also have the ambition to deliver better
performance than peer funds to which we can be compared and to achieve the first and
second quartile in Standard & Poor's universe.

Revision

The investment process aims at three principal objectives:

Out-perform, over a 3-year rolling period, the reference index defined for each
bond mandate and bond fund;

Match or exceed the performance of peer funds;

Consistently achieve first or second quartile of the Standard & Poor's universe.

Because their behaviour is fundamentally different, the out-performance targets are
specific to each investment universe (area) - government bonds, corporate bonds or
aggregate, and geographic spread.

Note that the bullet points are arranged so that first word of each one is in bold. This is
more effective than putting words in bold anywhere they happen to fall.

EXAMPLE

The investment process aims at three principal objectives:

Over a 3-year rolling period, out-perform the reference index defined for each bond
mandate and bond fund

Deliver performance that matches or exceeds that of peer funds

Consistently achieve first or second quartile of the Standard & Poor's universe