16 Mistakes Singles Make Volume One

Wilbert R. Mutoko. 2014. 16 Mistakes Singles Make Volume One. Email:wilbertmutoko@gmail.
com
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16 MI STAKES SI NGLES MAKE Volume One

I spent sleepless nights for over two years writing this book. Truly it has not been
easy. But its worthwhile for every single person to have a copy and increase
chances of proper dating and courtship leading to blissful marriage. I am offering this
book to you and your loved ones for free for the next two months. I did this so that no
youth or single parent would be left out in getting a copy simply because they have
no money. Feel free to distribute the book to as many people as you can. I believe
the lessons in this book will minimise mistakes that singles make resulting in hellish
marriages or no marriage at all. Enjoy and God bless!
Wilbert R. Mutoko. 2014. 16 Mistakes Singles Make Volume One. Email:wilbertmutoko@gmail.com
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16 MISTAKES SINGLES MAKE
Volume One

A Guide to Successful Dating and
Courtship that leads to Blissful Marriage

What others are saying about this book

This book is loaded for you if you are seeking to get the best out of your
relationship. Practical and insightful information; I recommend this book to
anyone who wants to avoid the pit-falls that lead to failed relationships. For
those who cherish success and desire to be at the drivers seat on the way to
relationship bliss, this book is a must read. Peace.

~ Pastor Lebone Mogami, Senior Pastor, Winners Chapel International
Church Botswana

This insightful and compelling book is a must read particularly by singles as it
will enable them to make a perfect choice of their partner and ensure a happy
forever-after marriage.
~ Prof James Katende, Ph.D
Founding Dean, College of Engineering & Technology,
Botswana International University of Science & Technology.

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16 MISTAKES SINGLES MAKE
Volume One

A Guide to Successful Dating and
Courtship that leads to Blissful Marriage

Wilbert R. Mutoko

Author of 15 Secrets for Personal Financial Success A Simple Step-by-Step
Plan for Financial Freedom

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Copy right May 2014, Wilbert R. Mutoko. All rights reserved.

This publication is designed in good faith to provide competent and reliable information
regarding the subject matter covered. However, the book is a general guide; therefore specific
advice on relationships, dating & courtship and marriage should be sought before taking
steps. The author and publisher therefore specifically disclaim any liability that is incurred
from the use or application of the contents of this book.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted
commercially by any means electronic, mechanical, photographic (photocopy) recording, or
otherwise without written permission from the publisher and author.

All scripture references are from the New Living Translation (NLT) or King James
Version (KJV) unless otherwise stated.

Global Family Restoration
P.O. Box AD 7 AAF Gaborone, Botswana
Tel: 00267 71824591 or 00267 71481536 or 00267 72727376
Email: wilbertmutoko@yahoo.com or wilbertmutoko@gmail.com or Face Book, LinkedIn,
Skype and Twitter: wilbertmutoko
www.wilbertmutoko.com

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A truly single person is one who is complete physically, emotionally,
spiritually, and intellectually without dependence upon anyone else.
~ Dr. Myles Munroe

The single years of a mans development is designed of God to be a season
of laying a solid foundation for a great life of exploits. A foundation that will
equip you for a life that makes a notable difference to your world.
~ Pastor Faith A. Oyedepo

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DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to:

My lovely son Peace here is a guide to your success in dating and courtship. I dont
doubt that you will be a great father, husband and global leader.

My beautiful daughters: Praise and Prayer. I am glad that as you follow this guide,
your futures shall be great. You shall be the best of mums, wives, and leaders world-
wide.

Billy and Bliss, wonderful sons to my brother Beaven; the world will see the glory of
God in your marriages and your exploits in life.

To my beloved young close relatives: Gracious Chivaura, Trust Chivaura, Carol
Machabvunga, Ruvimbo Machabvunga, Shumirayi Machabvunga, Tariro Mawire and
siblings, Nyasha Mutoko, Simba Mutoko, Privilege Mutoko, Faith Mutoko and
siblings, Zvikomborero Mutoko and siblings, Russel Machabvunga, Albert Jnr
Machabvunga, Chantelle Machabvunga, Divine Machabvunga, Doctrine
Machabvunga, Tanaka, Blessing and Tindo; and many more to come. You are so
precious to God and to me. The world is waiting to see you manifesting greatness in
dating, courtship and marriage, and manifesting greatness in every area of your lives.

Last but not least, to all single men and women in the world single from birth, single
by relationship failure, or single by widowhood, and any other category I may have
overlooked. I salute your courage as I dedicate this book to you. I understand the
challenges you face daily, because I was once a single. May this book be a relief to
your burdens, a comfort to your pains, a guide in times of confusion, and a solution
manual for your single life challenges?

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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I would like to thank the following people:
To God Almighty, thank you daddy for making me a gift to the world.
My precious wife, and best friend Princess Phillis Mutoko for your tremendous love.
My mother Irene Mutoko and my late dad Mark for raising me, your love is too much.
Here I pass the love you taught me to the whole world. I salute your courage.
My mother-in-law Juliet Machabvunga and my late father-in-law Wilson
Machabvunga; Thank you for the great wife you raised for me;
My smart children Peace, Praise and Prayer, you answer to your names.
Thank you for your support.
The publishers, Printers, Distributors of this God sent book, thank you for making it
possible
Last but not least, to you my dear reader and to all my clients and fans following me
on LinkedIn, Face book, radios, television, in seminars, newspapers and magazines.
Thank you for receiving me as a gift from God to you.

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Why I wrote this Book 2
Introduction - 4
Definition of Terms - 8
Mistake 1: Negative Attitude - 12
Mistake 2: Unclear Purpose of Relationship - 19
Mistake 3: No Specific Expectation - 25
Mistake 4: Lying and hiding past mistakes - 35
Mistake 5: Lack of Mentorship - 40
Mistake 6: Not consulting the Manufacturer of human beings - 51
Mistake 7: Not Planning For the Future, Waiting For a Rich Fiance - 59
Mistake 8: Trying to Escape Loneliness - 66
Mistake 9: Granting Your Fiance Your Body before Marriage - 72
Mistake 10: Falling In Love with a Person from a Different Background - 78
Mistake 11: Lack of Preparation - 89
Mistake 12: Desperation - 97
Mistake 13: Unwilling to Change - 103
Mistake 14: Choosing someone because of outward appearance only - 107
Mistake 15: Failing to Forgive - 109
Mistake 16: Giving Up - 112
CONCLUSION - 117
GLOSSARY - 119
RECOMMENDED READING - 124
APPENDIX 1: COURTSHIP QUESTIONS - 121
ABOUT THE AUTHOR - 126

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WHY I WROTE THIS BOOK?

What is your relationship status? I asked. Complicated, responded Jane.
What do you mean by complicated? I asked incredulously. Ah. Mmmmm.
Jane mused, scratching her head. She was not sure whether she was single;
in a relationship; engaged; married, or what! Have you ever come across
people who dont know their status? It is a reality. Such is the status of many
people because of certain mix-ups that have happened in their lives.

Single people all over the world have never been this confused, since the
beginning of the dotcom age. Singles dont know where to turn to for advice
and guidance. The media depicts superstars in an artificial way; while parents
try to drum in singles the old ways of doing things. Meanwhile, churches and
other organizations prescribe a spiritual approach to dating, courtship and
marriage. Friends and peers on the other hand, have their own influence. So
which advice should singles accept?

Realistically speaking, is it possible today for singles to date and be in
courtship successfully, and go ahead to enjoy blissful marriage? Why are
there so many break-ups and divorces in the world today? Is there a solution
to all the challenges singles and married face?

Mistakes are one of the biggest causes of failure in relationships. I have seen
singles make avoidable mistakes over and over again. For the purpose of
giving solutions to mistakes made by singles, I have written this book.

This book is for both religious and non-religious singles of all ages. Age is not
a barrier. As a counsellor (both Secular and Spiritual) and Pastor I have
helped young and old alike. I remember a 59 year old and a 60 year old that I
counselled before marriage, a few years ago. They had a fantastic wedding,
and they are enjoying themselves. So dont worry about your age, because
age is just a number.


I hope the book will be a provider of solutions to singles problems about
relationships; a manual for successful dating/courtship; and a guide to
preparation for a blissful marriage. I desire to put this book in the hands of
singles; and parents, teachers, pastors and counsellors to help them guide
singles in forming successful relationships.

I have a concern and care for you singles, and in this book I will attempt as
much as possible to answer your burning questions. I will then suggest
success solutions, drawn from experiences of counsellors, pastors,
relationship experts, sex experts, and marriage gurus who have successfully
chosen their life partners, and are enjoying peaceful and sweet marriages. I
will also share my real-life experiences that have given me a blissful and
heaven-on-earth marriage for over fifteen years.

Many singles make mistakes that cost them joy, and possibly rob them of
possible sweet marriages. Chapters of this book will hopefully help you to
avoid costly mistakes, for you to live happy and healthy lives.

Believe me, the issue of getting a suitable life partner is a burning issue in
many peoples hearts and lives. I have come across many single people, most
of whom are heart-broken due to past failed relationships; and as you can
expect, their first question to me as a counsellor and pastor is: What wrong
have I done to deserve this? Where have I missed it? Why cant I find Mr.
Right or Mrs. Right? What can I do to be located now? Why am I unlucky?

Success principles apply everywhere, no matter your geographical location or
race. There is always a way out in any situation you find yourself. This is your
year of favour; as I strongly believe the principles shared in this book will help
you get the right partner and go on to enjoy a great marriage. If that happens,
I will feel rewarded for my efforts of sleepless nights writing this book, and the
countless hours spent over the years counselling singles and couples. It will
also reduce the agony I experience each time I counsel married couples who
picked wrong partners and got stuck in marriage. I have experienced pain for
the past 18 years counselling such unhappy couples; and I thought writing a

book for singles can work as a preventive measure to reduce painful
marriages; which in turn can reduce the divorce rate world-wide.
Ignorance is our worst enemy. Once you know the principles to apply in any
area of your concern, you become free. This book will both open your eyes
and help you choose the right partner; or it will help you counsel singles
children, students etc. It will also equip parents, teachers, counsellors and
pastors with information to guide their children/clients in choosing a life
partner.

Wilbert R. Mutoko


Introduction

Dating and Courtship are the foundation for marriage. ~ Wilbert R. Mutoko

A good friend of mine told me a sad experience, that he called a contractor to
build a house and the contractor messed up. When the house was at roofing
level, the wall started cracking. Engineers came and condemned the
foundation as very weak. What were the correction measures, you may be
asking? The engineer asked my friend to demolish the whole wall and dig out
the faulty foundation. What a sad story? What a waste of resources? What a
waste of time? What a wasted opportunity?

There being no choice, the job had to be re-done. Now, if you have
constructed a house, you know how much money and effort goes into a
foundation. How about re-doing a house? No need to mention, when you do a
foundation, you need to take time and do it right the very first time. Otherwise
you suffer frustration. The bad contractor in this example cost my friend, time,
money, and other resources by cutting corners to build fast. Same applies to
marriage. Marriage has suffered break-down in our generation more than any
other institution. The major cause for failed marriages is faulty dating and
courtship.

Dating and courtship are the foundation for blissful marriage. You need to put
extra caution in dating and courtship so you can enjoy a stable and happy
marriage in future. As such, a lot of emphasis will be put in this book, on how
singles can avoid certain mistakes and have successful dating and courtship.
This in turn will result in a happy marriage that will positively impact your
nation, and the world at large.

Charity begins at home, and as such, any home that is full of mistakes, spells
disaster for the nation and world. If there is charity in everyones heart, there
will be charity in every relationship; leading to charity in every marriage,

charity in the community, country, continent, and eventually charity in the
world. This will in turn reduce divorce, chaos, wars and misunderstandings.
Divorce is skyrocketing everywhere in the world, and to anyone who desires
world peace; divorce is a big enemy that has to be avoided.

There are a few single people who are happy in life.
Many single folks are frustrated due to either lack of a
partner, frustrating relationship, and overwhelming
care for children; loneliness, confusion, and abusive
partner; rejection, failure in life or partner refusing to
legally marry.

In trying to deal with the above concerns, most
singles make several mistakes that make their lives
more miserable than ever. In this book, such
mistakes shall be exposed, and I will attempt to give
success tips that could help singles to deal with their
situations and either live a happy single life, get married or re-marry without
struggle.

The success tips have been compiled from books and articles written by
experts in the area of Dating, Courtship, Sex and Marriage; from my personal
experiences before I entered marriage; from personal experience acquired
over the years of spiritual and secular counselling; and from experience
counselling high school students and university students.

I took bits of information from different books, including the great book of all
times the Bible. Now, you dont have to be a Christian to quote or to refer to
the Bible. I have referred to the Bible just like any other book, without picking
offence on others who believe in other religions. Why do I mention this? You
may not be a Christian, and you have read this book so far, and you are
wondering I am a non-Christian. Am I reading again a book by one of these
fanatic Christians who judge non-Christians?
If there is charity in
everyones heart,
there will be charity
in every relationship,
leading to charity in
every marriage,
charity in the
community, country,
continent and
eventually charity in
the world.


Rest assured, I respect your religion; so please feel free to read this book with
joy knowing that the Bible is being quoted here as a reference book only. I am
not trying to undermine non-Christians. If I do so I would have failed my
mandate to reach out to all singles world-wide, with this solution manual for
relationships, regardless of your race or orientation.

Being single is similar to being in any healthy relationship. You have your ups
and downs, sometimes things are not perfect and you have to get on with
your life. Of course, you can do anything you want. Being single is not always
a bad thing. Break-ups hurt us all, but at some level, you might even be
relieved for getting away from a manipulative or an abusive relationship. So I
guess it is better to be single than to be with someone you don't even like! But
if you lack social skills, then you need to know more about relationships (Arjun
Kulkarni).

It is important for me to stress that dating and courtship are for people who
are ready for marriage. It is not for school-going children or youngsters. As
King Solomon said Love is stronger than death. Once you fall in love, love
grows like a flower; you cant stop it from blossoming. Many got involved in
love at school, and they failed school and scored on love (correctly termed
lust).

Only date and court someone when you know you are mature enough, and
ready for marriage; otherwise you put yourself in danger. Love has driven
many people crazy, and they abandoned school. So please do one thing at a
time. Dont copy those who date at school, they know they dont care about
their future. If you are serious with your future, date and court when ready for
marriage, because one thing leads to the other. Before you know it you may
find yourself pregnant or having received a sexually transmitted disease.

In this book there shall be room also for singles who do not intend to marry or
re-marry, to learn mistakes which they can avoid so that they live a happily-
ever single life.


Thank you for your understanding, and enjoy reading.

Wilbert R. Mutoko


DEFINITION OF TERMS

For the purpose of this book, singles include teenagers, youths, single
mothers or single fathers, divorcees, widows and widowers. The following
terms used in the book are defined as follows:

Life partner someone you choose to live with for the rest of your life,
sharing everything, spirit, soul and body, till death separates you.

Mistakes its something you do without intending to or that produces a result
that you do not want. It is something or part of something which is incorrect or
not right.

Singles unmarried, or having no fiance.
Dating someone who is trying to find a fiance. It also refers to efforts to
find time with a potential love interest, in pursuit of a possible relationship. I
would suggest that you should date someone while they dont know your
intentions. For example, you get closer to the girl you want at church or at
work, so you learn her, without her suspecting. This helps because she will
behave naturally without faking her character to please you. This is supported
by the following quote: "I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of
it." ~ Garry Shandling
Courtship This comes after dating. You suggest love to your prospective
fiance. It is the slow art of wooing and seducing ones beloved with intention
of marriage. It is the stage that leads to marriage.
The Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary defines dating as making or having
a date with, whereas to court is to seek the affections of, especially to seek
to win a pledge of marriage. It therefore follows that courtship comes after
dating, i.e., a person in courtship is getting ready for marriage, not for fun.


Marriage the relationship between husband and wife. It is the act of
marrying someone, or the ceremony at which this is done.
Successful something that is successful, achieves what it was intended to
achieve.
Successful Dating managing to find the right fiance that you intended to
have.
Successful courtship being able to keep a good and clean relationship
before marriage, leading to happy marriage.
Blissful a blissful situation or period of time is one in which you are
extremely happy.
Blissful Marriage Marriage or relationship between husband and wife, filled
with extreme happiness.

Dating and courtship, which ever way you define it, requires care and
responsibility so that your single life can have proper meaning.

Wilbert R. Mutoko


THE SIMPLE MANUAL FOR DATING, COURTSHIP AND READINESS FOR
BLISSFUL MARRIAGE

This classic, well-established title has been called the most simplistic yet
effective guide to successful dating, courtship and preparation for blissful
marriage.

Knowing how to avoid mistakes that plague singles, and the steps to follow in
dating, courtship and readiness for blissful marriage, is not the end. As with all
crucial issues of life, you need to act and change your situation, by changing
who you become. No one knows everything, but if you follow the advice in this
book, your life will never be the same again.

I will now take you step-by-step through the mistakes to be avoided by singles
followed by the success tips:

Mistake 1: Negative Attitude
Mistake 2: Unclear Purpose of Relationship
Mistake 3: No Specific Expectation
Mistake 4: Lying and hiding past mistakes
Mistake 5: Lack of Mentorship
Mistake 6: Not consulting the Manufacturer of human beings
Mistake 7: Not Planning For the Future, Waiting For a Rich Fiance
Mistake 8: Trying to Escape Loneliness
Mistake 9: Granting Your Fiance Your Body before Marriage
Mistake 10: Falling In Love with a Person from a Different Background
Mistake 11: Lack of Preparation
Mistake 12: Desperation
Mistake 13: Unwilling to Change
Mistake 14: Choosing someone because of outward appearance only
Mistake 15: Failing to Forgive
Mistake 16: Giving Up


Are you interested in learning the first mistake and its suggested
solutions? Lets turn the pages together. Next we look at Mistake 1:
Negative Attitude. Enjoy!


MISTAKE ONE: NEGATIVE ATTITUDE
TACKLE THE THING
By Edgar A. Guest
There are thousands to tell you it cannot be done,
There are thousands to prophesy failure;
There are thousands to point out to you, one by one,
Just start to sing as you tackle the thing

"Success or failure depends more upon attitude than upon capacity.
Successful people act as though they have accomplished or are enjoying
something. Soon it becomes a reality. Act, look, feel successful, conduct
yourself accordingly and you will be amazed at the positive result."
~ Dupree Jordan
Attitude is everything. Attitude is the way you view things and situations; and it
ultimately determines your success in anything you do. It is the way you think
and feel about something, showing it by the way you behave. What happens
to you is not the problem; rather what matters is how you react to the
happenings. Look at the story below:

Real Life Experience 1.1: Emmanuel Had a Negative Attitude on
Relationships and Marriage

Emmanuel was a victim of negative attitude as a youth; because he had seen
too many failed relationships, and crisis-marriages around him. So he hated
and feared dating, courtship and marrying. Although Emmanuel read many
books on marriage, somehow he entered marriage with a bit of negative
attitude. Thank God for the precious fiance he finally chose with Gods help.
She was so positive about marriage, contrary to Emmanuels negative
thoughts by then.


Their courtship was awesome, and they managed to work through any
external challenges they faced. After marriage, he learnt from more books
about marrying forever. In seven months, it really settled in Emmanuels mind
that there is no turning back in marriage. Emmanuel
and his wife faced their fair share of challenges,
especially during the first six months after wedding.
They loved each other a lot, and spend almost all
time together. But they had to learn to adjust their
characters to suit each other. But with a constructive attitude they solved their
differences, they adjusted their characters to each other, and today, over
twenty years later, their marriage stands rock-solid. They are enjoying one of
the best marriages on planet earth.

In case you are in the same situation as Emmanuel was before marriage,
thinking negative about marriage and thinking divorce; you need to make up
your mind and change for the better.

I like it when King Solomon said, He who finds a wife has found a good
thing, and he obtains favour from the Lord.

Success Tips

"If you can't change your fate, change your attitude." ~ Amy Tam

If you think relationships and marriage is not good, you are correct. If you
think relationships and marriage is a noble thing and you want to pursue it,
again you are correct. If you think one of these good days you will locate Mr.
or Mrs. Right; and you will go on to enjoy a heaven-on-earth marriage, you
are correct. If you think you are unlucky, you are hated, you have misfortune
Attitude is
everything. Your
attitude determines
your altitude in life.

and you will never meet anyone good for you; and you will not enjoy any
marriage; again you are correct.

This reminds me of one man who said to me, I think I will never find a woman
to settle with. I asked him why, and he said, Good women are no longer
there. What I always meet are bad girls. I then said to him, what you believe
is your choice. Good women are scarce, but they are available. But he was
slowly getting angry with me; and I had no choice but to end the conversation
by saying, I am sorry, but whatever you believe, that you will attract. Attitude
is everything. So I left the guy alone, and nine years later, he is still single at
age 44.

"Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do.
Attitude determines how well you do it." ~ Lou Holtz

Your attitude towards relationships is therefore very important. The only way
you can change your attitude is by studying books on positive relationships, or
following mentors who have a successful marriage to guide you through.
Otherwise alone by yourself, you may stumble forever. I pray that you change
your attitude and no sooner than later, you will attract the right partner, and
your marriage will be one of the best.

I found this article interesting and encouraging to singles:

Expert Advice 1.2: God Is Not Punishing You with Singleness

God is not punishing you with singleness. God loves you. For some
women [this advice applies to men as well], Gods best for them is to be
married earlier, so that they can learn important lessons about God through

marriage. For other women, Gods best for them is keeping them single for a
time, so they can learn those same lessons through singleness. Singleness is
not a problem to be fixed! Singleness is a season of life where we can focus
solely on God. The Bible says that it is Gods will that everyone be single for a
time and some be single forever and those are blessed! (1 Cor. 7:32-35)
You can choose to be obedient and single for as long as God wants or you
can disobey and date/marry the next cute lost guy who walks across your
path. Who will it be? Gods Mr. Right or the worlds Mr. Right-in-front-of-you?
(Gabrielle Pickle, Girlsgonewise.com article, Mr Right or Mr Right in
Front of You?)

In the words of Dr. David Oyedepo, You have unusual grace and impeccable
abilities. You are a priest and a king, and your priesthood and kingly dominion
is to be manifested on earth. You are special! (Book: Exploits in Ministry,
page 16). It is good for you to know that, being single does not mean you are
less important. You are important in life; so maximise your singlehood, so that
when you get married, your life can become better and fortified in marital
unity.

Attitudes that lead to Relationship Success among Singles
Believing that you are important before God. For God so loved the
world (you and I) and he gave his only begotten son (John 3:16)
A firm belief that God made you for a purpose. For I know the plans
that I have for you, plans not for evil but for good. To give you a future
and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)
Understanding that you attract what you always ponder in your heart. If
you think negative about relationships, you attract a wrong partner. And
if you assume that marriage is to be endured, you will take wrong steps
in dating and courtship that eventually lead to sad marriage. But if you
are positive minded, you take positive steps that lead to successful
dating and courtship culminating in blissful marriage. As a man thinks,
so is he. (Proverbs 7:23).

A firm belief that it is Gods will for you to relate and marry. It is not
good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to
him. (Genesis 2:18)
Consciousness that whatever you believe and ask, you will obtain. So if
you believe and ask for life to avail a soul mate, you will surely receive.
Ask and it will be given to you, seek, and you will find For everyone
who asks receives, and he who seeks finds (Matthew 7:7-8)
Believing that life is to be enjoyed, and not to be endured. This helps
you to be positive concerning relationship and marriage. It develops in
you an awareness that whether married or not, life is to be enjoyed to
the maximum. It cultivates the attitude that life is too short to spend it in
frustration. You have only one life, so enjoy it! You change what you
can, and ask God for strength to accept and live with what you cant
change.

SUMMARY

The greatest discovery of any generation is that
A human being can alter his life by altering his attitude.
~ William James

Attitude is everything. Your attitude determines your altitude in life. Attitude
determines how successful you will become in your relationships and
ultimately in marriage. What decisions you make completely depend on you.
The choice is yours. Some people marry on contract for two years or three
years saying: If it works, we will renew the contract. If it doesnt work: we
quit. To me this sounds like lack of commitment. How can you enter into a
short contract for something that was created to last forever? You therefore,
should not keep yourself in a relationship unless you see there is hope for
marriage. Similarly, you should not marry someone; until you are sure you are
compatible.


Mistake One: Negative Attitude

1.1 What is your general attitude towards relationships and marriage?
________________________________________________________
Make a list of attitudes that are stopping you from succeeding in
relationships?
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
_______________________________
1.2 If you enter into a relationship, and you face problems, what will you
do?
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________

1.3 Suppose you discover in a relationship that your fiance is lazy,
selfish, or careless, what would you do?
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
_______________
1.4 List five positive attitudes you need to develop for you to be successful
in relationships.
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
________________________________________


Our self-image and our habits tend to go together. Change one, and you will
automatically change the other. ~ Dr. Maxwell Maltz

One comes to believe whatever one repeats to oneself sufficiently often,
whether the statement is true or false. It comes to be dominating thought in
ones mind.
~ Robert Collier

"Whether a glass is half full, or half empty, depends on the attitude of the
person looking at it." ~ Unknown


MISTAKE TWO: UNCLEAR PURPOSE OF RELATIONSHIP

In order to have a successful Dream Team, youll need at least one more
person with whom you have a common purpose. You have to have a partner
to think through situations and circumstances. These people should have
limitless vision and work together for a single goal.
~ Mark Victor Hansen

I knew after my first lesson what I wanted to do with my life.
~ Billie Jean King

Is it not dangerous to enter into a relationship without knowing the other
fellows motive? Unclear or no purpose for a relationship, or assumption of
intentions always result in conflicts, misunderstandings and/or break up or
divorce.

Imagine a young man of twenty years, getting into a relationship with a rich
elderly woman of fifty four years; or an eighteen-year-old girl marrying a sixty-
year-old man! The elderly folk may think that the young fellow wants to settle
down. But the young fellow might be looking for a rich sugar mummy/daddy to
supply money. There is no problem with marrying someone of different age,
but whats the motive behind?

Real Life Experience 2.1 Relationship not for Fun

When I entered into a love relationship with Phillis, it was not for fun. Both of
us agreed that we intended to get married in less than two years. No wonder
we got married in 16 months. Both of us were serious about getting married.
We didnt have other relationships apart from this one. We knew beyond
doubt we were to have a wedding, and have an exemplary marriage that

would change lives everywhere we went. For that
reason, we were patient and we never slept with
each other until wedding day.

Some difference in minds may never be resolved. For example, you are
marrying because you want children quickly. Yet your partner wants to
proceed with school or career, and s/he plans to start having children after
seven years. Is that not a clash? Why not establish the vision before you go
far? If a man proposes love to you, why not ask him what he means when he
says I love you. Why not ask him his intentions?

Your partner may be thinking of marrying you so you take care of his/her
children. Others will be thinking of you taking care of their ailing parents.
Others could be relating with you so you buy them goodies.

If you dont clarify intentions, you may be shocked in future. Never take
anything for granted. Some people propose love, because you are beautiful or
handsome, but they dont have a future plan with you. Ask them for a clear
plan, before you are used as a toy. Your partner may start saying; Prove that
you love me by kissing or sleeping, then you know his/her intentions are to
waste you. You cannot prove love by doing things before time; its just like
eating an unripe orange! If you are genuine; why are you in a hurry? Why not
wait until the orange (fiance) and you get married? Any person with respect
for you should be willing to wait and do what is done in marriage at the right
time, period!

Success Tips

Blind commitment to a theory is not an intellectual virtue: it is an intellectual
crime.
~ Imre Lakatos

Whatever you take
for granted, will get
you grounded. ~
Wilbert R. Mutoko


You need to take time listening to your partner so you understand him/her.
For example, what does s/he really mean when s/he says, I love you? To
some guys, I love you means, I would like to marry you. To another it
means, I want you to join my group of girlfriends/boyfriends. While to
another it could mean, You are beautiful/handsome, and I would like to enjoy
you, though I am already married to someone else. Another could mean, I
just want to remove your virginity, because I specialise in that. Yet another
person saying I love you means, My wife/husband is away, can I have
temporary entertainment with you?

To another person it means, I just want to play with you, please be my time-
pusher; until I find the right person to marry. Another man/woman could be
saying, I want to sleep with you and make you cheap, because you think you
are special; then I will dump you. For others it could mean, I like your
wealth. To others I love you means, I want you to sing for my mother for
the rest of her life. To others I love you means I would like you to have
eight children for me. And yet to others I love you means I want you to go
to the country side and take care of my ill mother, or take care of my exs
children.

It follows that, not all who say to you I love you mean it. What is your reason
for getting into the relationship in the first place? What is the future plan for
children, money, relatives, schooling, and career? Be sure, and avoid
assumptions. A person can be handsome or beautiful; but can surprise you in
future. So be sure on the onset. What is s/he up to?

More so, it is wise to know your personal goals of life before getting into a
relationship. This helps you because your partner (fiance), who in turn may
become your spouse (life-partner), should have similar goals of life with yours.
Who will lead the family? Is it husband leading, wife leading or half to half?
Which church will you attend during courtship and after marrying?
You cant take these things for granted, because I have seen people getting
grounded by this. Many singles are frustrated today because they assumed

that their partners meant the relationship for future marriage; when they
actually meant something else.

This explains why many singles cry foul to their fiances: I want to be
married! Why are you delaying? Now, for some, it could be genuine. They are
delaying because they have no money etc, but for majority; sorry sister, he
never intended to marry! He has just been having fun time with you. You
assumed wrongly that he meant it for marriage. You should have asked and
verified intentions!

Real Life Example 2.2: What should I do?

Recently a lady posted on face book asking for help: My boy friend has just
confessed that he has a child with his ex. To make matters worse, he is
thinking of getting back to his ex. His mother doesnt like me, and he claims
that he doesnt know what to do. What should I do?

If you were responding to her, what would you say? Well, majority of the
respondents wrote this man doesnt love you anymore. Leave him and move
ahead with life. I partially agree with that notion. The point is - most people
have hidden agenda in relationship. You therefore need to watch out.

Below is another true life story that emphasizes importance of verifying your
lovers intentions before going far.

Real Life Example 2.3: Guy left with a Child

Recently I heard of a guy in a neighbouring country who fell in love with a
beautiful woman. The woman got pregnant and gave birth to a handsome
baby boy. The man got excited and broke the news to his fiance: Now that
you have given me a son, can we officialise our relationship in marriage? to
the mans utter shock, the fiance said, Marriage! You are joking! I am not
one of those women to be tied down in marriage by a man!

What the guy thought was good news to the fiance actually broke the
relationship. As I write, the guy is single and he was left with the boy, while his
fiance went about enjoying herself. Imagine how many ladies are looking for
such a man who is willing to marry and settle down! Yet to this woman, it was
not an opportunity. This is a lesson to both men and women to always verify.

Summary

Whatever you take for granted, will get you grounded ~ Wilbert R. Mutoko

If you walk into a relationship or marriage, without an agreed clear picture; it
can be disastrous. Never take chances; you live life once, and you need to
maximise it. Remember, trust your partner, but verify their intentions and
actions.

Mistake Two: Unclear Purpose of Relationship

2.1 Why are you entering into the relationship?
________________________________________________________
_______
2.2 If you marry, in whose surname will your children be?
________________________________________________________

2.3 If you marry, who will be head of family; is it husband leading, wife
leading or half to half?
________________________________________________________
2.4 Write down your expectations of a relationship before you enter it:
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________
_______________________________
________________________________________________________

Most people have no idea of the giant capacity we can immediately
command when we focus all of our resources on mastering a single
area of our lives.
~ Anthony Robbins

Accept responsibility for your life. Know that it is you, who will get you
where you want to go, no one else. ~ Les Brown


MISTAKE THREE: NO SPECIFIC EXPECTATION

EXPECTATION
By Wilbert R. Mutoko

High expectation breeds high mind preparation
That in turn breeds enthusiasm
What you dont expect, you dont respect
Whatever you want badly
Approach it boldly
Be specific about it
In no time you will hold it

Whatever you dont expect, you dont deserve. ~ Dr. David Oyedepo

You normally get what you expect. The dictionary defines expectations as:
your strong hopes or beliefs that something will happen, or that you will get
something that you want. Many singles have no specific expectation of a life
partner. When they meet a short guy, they think: May be s/he is the one.
When they meet a tall one, they suppose, I think this could be the correct
one. Another time they study with a slim folk, they assume, Could this be Mr.
/s. Right? Then one moment they see a bulky chap, and they presume, I
think I have now arrived at the suitable partner. This style of doing things is
confusing and leaves many bitter and stranded. It is a mistake that surely
needs correction.

Praying Unfocused Prayers

Keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking, and
you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened. For everyone

who asks, receives; everyone who seeks finds. And the door is opened to
everyone who knocks.
~ Jesus Christ (NLT: Mathew 7:7-8)

Prayer without a focus is like a bullet fired to no particular destination. Will the
bullet achieve any desired result? Obviously no! Many singles pray and hope
to get a good life partner to relate with and marry, but they cant describe to
you how the partner should look like skin colour, height, body structure,
character, literacy, profession, religion etc. This is one of the reasons why
singles are stranded; they
have no idea what kind of
partner they are waiting for.
They just wait and pray for
any man or woman who is
good enough. Good enough to who? Nobody knows!

The Greatest Psychologist, Sociologist and Philosopher who ever walked on
earth, King Jesus Christ said, You parents if your children ask for a loaf of
bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give
them a snake? Of course not! (NLT: Matthew 7:9-10). So if a child asks for
bread, they get bread. If they ask for fish, they get fish. What if they just say
they want something, without specification? They either get nothing, or they
get any available food!

If you are talking to a grocers shop and you say, Please bring me some
fruits. And the grocer gives you bananas. Would you say, I thought you
would bring me apples? obviously not! If you wanted apples, you would
specify, not just to order any fruits. Therefore, we all must learn to be specific
about what we want in life, including a desired partner.

Many singles pray and hope to get a good
life partner to relate with and marry, but they
cant describe to you how the partner should
look like skin colour, height, body structure,
character, literacy, profession, religion etc.

SUCCESS TIPS

If you expect nothing, you are correct. If you expect a lot, you are again
correct. You get what you expect. The choice is yours. ~ Wilbert R. Mutoko

Only people who ask specifically will ever receive anything from God. Have
you ever planned to buy a motor vehicle, and you dont have a model, colour,
size, or year of manufacture in mind? Imagine how hard it can be to get a car
that satisfies you! Even when you call a garage for a car, the salesman will
ask you what model and colour do you want? Then you respond Dont worry
salesman. Just any car can do. Will the salesman take you seriously as a
potential buyer? Obviously NO! The salesman would obviously be more
excited to help a client who knows what he really wants.

Real Life Experience 3.1 List of Qualities

In case you dont know how to pray with expectation, here is an example of a
poem that I wrote 3 years before I met my wife-to-be. By that time I did not
have a fiance. I was just enjoying preaching the Gospel as a youth. I was not
even sure I wanted to marry.

I believe the best time to start writing a list of qualities for the person you want
to marry is when your mind is not ready for a relationship or for marriage. It is
equally the best time to start praying for your future life partner. That time you
think properly because you have no pressure of feelings and no hurry to move
on. By that time I was only 20 when I wrote the poem describing the wife-to-
be. As grace had it, I only got into a relationship three years later, to the
woman who is now my wife.


Guess what, by the time I got into the relationship with Phillis, I didnt
consciously see that the woman I proposed to was exactly as described in my
poem. The poem was as follows:

The Wife-to-be

She should be unique,
Beautiful and active-minded,
Should be a full, substantial
Lady with human dignity

An unselfish and kind-hearted
Lady with individuality
A real precious apple of the eye,
With a suitable complexion

I need to hear sweetness
A sweet, golden voice
From her fair lips so as
To hearten myself

She should be educated,
To some sort of higher level
She should be full of humanity
As well as hospitality

She should be of good blood
One who loves and cares indeed
She and I should be birds
Of the same feathers

She should be full of beans
One full of good spirit

A lady with a capability
To bottle up my aggressiveness

One who can confide
So that all good will be secret
So that we live in a ferment
Aware of any trouble maniacs

She should not be an extravagant
She should detest gossiping
Must be a true Christian
Indeed full of faith

She must carry copious love
Not one who needs to run fast
To catch up with my great, golden love
I shall share this love with a special someone

In the same manner, Phillis when she was still about 16 years old, she was
taught by her pastor to write a list of expectations for a future husband.
Interesting enough she kept the paper and prayed about its items up to the
time we married. The list was like this:

I must see a vision before my future-husband approaches me; and
My future husband should:-
Fear and love God more than anything
Love me as he loves himself
Faithful not cheating
Have slight (if any) difference in height and complexion
See a vision before he approaches me
Patient and long-suffering
Accept me as I am
Full of wisdom


Now, to those who are close to Phillis and I, they know that the features in my
poem, describe Phillis; and the features in Phillis list describe me. God is
indeed a match maker. But it started with solid expectation and focused
prayers for both Phillis and I.

Not everyone is to copy our kind of
partner expectation lists. For
example, if you have never seen a
vision in your life, will you expect
God to speak to you through a
vision? NO. God will speak to you in the way you easily understand. You are
a unique being, therefore you should list what you want, the way you like and
understand it.

You dont have to wait until you are 20 like I did, to write a list of
characteristics for your life partner. There is no harm visualizing and praying
in time, say when you are still a teenager.

I have advised some friends to plan in advance and prepare money for dowry;
but they disregarded my advice. But then when they came of age, and blood
became hot; they felt in a hurry to marry, and they made mistakes which could
have been avoided had they done preparation in time.

True Life Story 3.2 She Came with a Photo

Recently I got impressed by one girl who desired marriage. She came to my
wife and I with a photo of herself. She said, Please pray for me. I want to get
married this year, but I dont have the partner yet. Her photo showed lots of
expectation. She borrowed a wedding gown and a crown from someone; put
them on, and posed for a photo. What a good way of motivating her mind
towards marriage!

If you expect nothing, you are
correct. If you expect a lot, you are
again correct. You get what you
expect. The choice is yours. ~
Wilbert R. Mutoko


You can be sure that with this strong expectation, looking at her picture on the
wall daily, meditation on Gods Word, continuous mentorship, specific prayers,
and good behaviour; and mixing well with others; she will soon attract Mr.
Right.

True Life Story 3.3 Crazy Expectation about Marriage

Both Phillis and I had crazy expectation about marriage and having children.
In our church there was a fund for helping orphans. This fund was raised
monthly by children, through their parents, to donate to less-privileged
children. Giving to needy people, especially orphans, is a sure way to provoke
blessings. Even though I didnt have a child, for many years before I got a
partner, and before I married; I was giving to the orphans fund in the name of
a child called Peace Mutoko. I also gave tithes to God in Peaces name. This
was in great expectation that when I marry, I would definitely have children,
and my first born would be called Peace.

Just like I did, Phillis believed in giving on behalf of a future child; although
she was not yet married and she didnt have a partner. For many years, she
was giving tithes and orphan offerings for a future child by the name Praise.

Guess what, by the time we finally got into a relationship, and eventually
married; we named our first child Peace and second one, Praise. It doesnt
come as a surprise that our children are extra-blessed and ultra intelligent.
The hand of God rests upon them in a special way. Why? We had great
expectation for the future.

Real Life Experience 3.4 Dr. David Yonggi Cho Counsels a Spinster

To support the above discussion, lets borrow the words of Dr. David Yonggi
Cho in his book The Fourth Dimension Volume One Discovering a New

World of Answered Prayer, pages 9 to 12: Once I was the visiting preacher in
a church, the pastors wife invited me to the pastors office. The pastor asked,
Cho, would you please pray for a lady? I asked, For what? Well, she wants
to get married, and she still hasnt found a husband.
... So in she walked a nice spinster over thirty years old. I asked her, Sister,
how long have you been praying for a husband?
She answered, For more than ten years. Why hasnt God answered your
prayer for these more than ten years? I asked. What kind of husband have
you been asking for? I continued.
She shrugged her shoulders, Well, thats up to God. God knows all.
Thats your mistake. God never works by
Himself, but only through you. God is the
eternal source, but He only works through
your requests. Do you really want me to
pray for you?
Yes.
Okay, bring me some white paper and a pencil, and sit down in front of me.
She sat down and...

To cut the long story short, this woman had remained unmarried because she
had not been specific in her prayers for a husband. With the help of Dr. David
Yonggi Cho she listed on paper, the characteristics of the husband she
desired: Caucasian, tall, skinny, musical, schoolteacher etc. And she pasted
the paper on her mirror. She read the ten points aloud every evening before
sleeping, and every morning, and she praised God for the answer. In one year
the woman got married to a visiting Caucasian, musical schoolteacher.

That is why Dr. David Yonggi Cho says, Do not say, Oh, God, bless me,
bless me! do you know how many blessings the Bible has? Over 8 000
promises! If you say, Oh God, bless me, then God might ask you, What kind
of blessing out of over 8 000 promises do you want? So be very definite.
Take out your notebook, write it down, and see it clearly.

If you say, Oh God, bless
me, then God might ask
you, What kind of blessing
out of over 8 000 promises
do you want? So be very
definite.

Summary

It is important for you to build expectation in your mind. Stop empty
expectations in life. Expectation gives you focus and clarity. You will find it
easier to get the right life partner.

Mistake Three: No Specific Expectation

3.1 Write a list of the qualities you expect in your life partner (feel free to
add more to the list) -
Age:__________________________________________________________
Religion:_______________________________________________________
Profession:_____________________________________________________
Height:________________________________________________________
Skin
colour_________________________________________________________
Race:_________________________________________________________
Slim or
bulky:_________________________________________________________
Partners
hobby:________________________________________________________
Background:____________________________________________________
Origin:________________________________________________________
Qualifications:__________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

3.2 Now for those who are ready for marriage, put this information on a
nice piece of paper or photocopy this paper and paste it on the wall of
your bedroom and bathroom by the mirror. Read the whole list daily in
the morning and before you sleep; then visualise your partner and
praise God for the answer.


The Lord never welcomes vague prayers. When the son of Timaeus, the
blind Bartimaeus came running after Jesus Christ, he cried, Oh, thou son of
David, be merciful to me. Although everybody knew that Bartimaeus was
asking for the healing of his blindness, Christ asked, What do you want me to
do for you? Christ wants very specific requests. Bartimaeus said, Sir, I want
to see. Jesus replied, It shall be done unto you as you believe. Bartimaeus
opened his eyes. ~ Dr. David Yonggi Cho

Lifes blows cannot break a person whose spirit is warmed at the fire of
enthusiasm.
~ Norman Vincent Peale


MISTAKE FOUR: LYING AND HIDING PAST MISTAKES

You cant hide elephant horns, they will protrude ~ Shona Proverb

The only thing you will forever remember is the truth. Lies are sweet, but
easily forgotten. Thats why if police criminal investigation department were to
ask you a question; then they ask you the same question differently, if you are
a liar, you will give different answers to the same question. Lying ruins trust in
any relationship. Once you lose trust, it is difficult to re-gain it. A relationship
based on lies is like a house of cardboard paper; which will not survive the
tests and trials of life.

True Life Story 4.1 Nothing Can Be Hidden Forever

A happy marriage for ten years almost ended overnight. What had happened?

Alice had hidden some crucial facts about her life before marriage. Had Alice
known, in the beginning she could have avoided future struggles,
explanations, and countless counselling hours to save a marriage under
attack.

It all started when Alice fell in love with Ben, ten years before. She kept it
secret that she had a child with another guy by the name of Steven. So when
she got married to Ben, they took in Nelly, Alices daughter as if Nelly was her
younger sister, yet she was actually Alices blood daughter. Nelly was only
five years old by then.

For ten years, Ben never knew that Nelly was actually Alices daughter, and
not sister as purported. But because nothing is hidden forever, one day they
went to the village, and one elderly lady spilled the beans Ah! Your
daughter has grown up Alice. How about the father, have you heard from him

ever since? Did you tell your husband, Ben, that you had a child with Steven,
before marrying Ben? This was said right in the presence of Ben.

Thus, the fire and fracas started and Alice almost lost her blissful marriage of
ten years. Thank God for Pastors who had to intervene with prayers and
counselling?

I think it is better to lose a person before a relationship, because you have told
the truth, than lose a marriage when your partner finds out hidden issues
about you. Prevention is always better than cure. Be careful what you keep a
secret during courtship; some of the things will backfire in due course! Unless
your partner is not interested to know, it is wise to tell all that happened to you
slowly though; not everything in one day.

Success Tips

A lie cannot live. ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

You dont necessarily tell all you have ever done in one day. Otherwise you
scare your partner with too much information. But you need to purpose in your
heart to expose your life bit by bit. The following true life story shows the trap
of hiding facts in courtship. You might be thinking, But I thought this book was
about success in Dating and Courtship, and not on marriage! Why then is
Wilbert writing stories on marriage? May I remind you that this book is titled:
16 MISTAKES SINGLES MAKE A Guide to Successful Dating and
Courtship that leads to Blissful Marriage. In this book I am not just writing
about general dating, but dating and courtship aimed at blissful marriage.

The purpose of teaching singles about
successful dating and courtship in this
You cant hide elephant horns,
they will protrude ~ Shona
Proverb


case, is so they can have blissful marriages in future. This means that stories
of failed marriages warn you to avoid mistakes committed during preparation
for marriage. Such reference is made to help you prepare thoroughly, so you
can enjoy blissful marriage like I and a few more people do.

True Life Story 4.2 They Divorced During Honeymoon

After all had been said and done. Off, the new couple went for honeymoon
at a local five star hotel, expecting to rest and plan their future for at least five
days. The pastors and relatives bade Casper and Abigail farewell as they
drove away to the hotel.

In the middle of the night Abigails pastor woke up to answer a harsh and
abusive call from Casper. Pastor, how come your spiritual daughter told me
she was a virgin, but I have just discovered that she is ...? The pastor was
lost for words. He pinched himself to see if he was awake or it was just a bad
dream. But alas! He was dead awake. His spiritual daughter, Abigail hid the
truth from him and the congregation. She had actually stayed with a man for
five years and was divorced for lack of bearing children. Now she had fooled
everyone to think that she was an innocent, God-loving and faithful virgin girl;
when in fact she knew that she had known another man for five years, hence
she had long lost her virginity!

Abigail kept it to herself thinking, Now that I am born again, my past is over
and I am a new creature. I guess this means even my virginity is renewed and
I dont need to inform my fiance about my past. People had gathered half a
day ago at Abigail and Caspers wedding. Now what?

The pastor tried to talk with Abigail on the phone in vain as she was just
sobbing and crying. She only managed to say, I a-a-am s-s-o sorry. I was
once married and thats when I lost my virginity. I am so-o-r-r-y please! That
phone call marked the end of the new (few hours) marriage! This is a true
story, and all singles should take hid!

This is a story you cannot tell people when they are already married, because
it can be too late. But it helps singles that are serious to get married, and not
only marriage, but blissful extremely happy marriage. Even though God has
forgiven your past, your future partner is not God. S/he reserves the right to
know the truth and decide whether to accept you as you are, or to leave you
alone and look elsewhere before you even marry.

Summary

Lying is a good way to set a time bomb for your own personal destruction.
Only the truth will set you free from misunderstandings and arguments in
future. That is why a great man said, What you want people to know, they are
not interested; what you are hiding is what people are searching for. Many
times, singles hide facts that work against them in future. Rid yourself against
such self-traps by being open and transparent! Dont wait until someone will
expose your bad past; why not expose yourself and gain trust in the
beginning? Better lose a possible lover before marriage because you told the
truth, than lie or hide the truth then get into trouble in future.

Mistake Four: Lying and Hiding Past Mistakes

4.1 Have you said the truth about your past?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
4.2 What is it that you are hiding and if someone exposes after you get
married, it can destroy your future?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________


You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.
~ Jesus Christ of Nazareth (John 8:32)


MISTAKE FIVE: LACK OF MENTORSHIP

Get a Mentor

If you desire success;
Find a suitable Coach.
Get a Mentor to lead you.
Pour your heart out to him.
Tell him the truth of your life.
Share with him your passions.
Alert him of your dream partner.
Listen to him more than you talk.
Before you know it, you are happily married.

"A lot of people have gone further than they thought they could because
someone else thought they could." ~ Unknown

Many singles get into relationships without a coach or mentor. Lack of a
mentor or guide or coach is the easiest way to fail in relationships. Can you
imagine Tiger Woods becoming a golf champion without a coach? Can you
imagine a powerful soccer team without a coach? Imagine Serena Williams
playing tennis with no coach?

Life is complex. Why are you making life hard for yourself by playing the game
of life alone, without a coach/mentor? Someone close to you has got the
answers to your difficult questions. If you choose a mentor, the solutions to
your problems, will easily appear.


Our generation is morally sick; that is why people fail, particularly, in
relationships. I have read or listened to many people being interviewed in the
press:

Question: Who is your model or mentor?
Answer: (Any of these) my mother, my father, my pastor, Robert Kiyosaki, or
Barack Obama.

The above interview precept makes
sense, shows responsibility, focus and
humility. It shows that there is nothing
new under the sun. You can learn from
other people. But I have been shocked by some interviews which go as
follows:

Question: Who is your model or mentor?
Answer: myself

Honestly how can you be your own mentor or model? Do you mean you are
all-in-all, you know everything, and you dont need anyone to guide you? So
then how can you be successful without making terrible mistakes?

Success Tips

An uncommon future requires an uncommon mentor. ~ Dr. Mike Murdock

Most great people not only in relationships, but in life, business and career
have become great because they have traceable mentors. Success teacher
Jim Rohn was mentored by Earl Shoaff; Joshua was mentored by Moses;
Elisha was coached by Elijah; Timothy grew up in ministry under Apostle
Paul; Jerry Savelle was under Kenneth Copeland for thirty years before
blossoming into personal fulltime ministry; Robert Kiyosaki was mentored by
Life is complex. Why are you
making life hard for yourself
by playing the game of life
alone, without a
coach/mentor?

The Rich Dad; Donald Trump was mentored by his biological father; and
Bishop David Oyedepo is proud of having been raised by the late Kenneth
Hagin Snr, Kenneth Copeland, and the late Arch Bishop Benson Idahosa.

Are you sure you really want to be great? Are you really sure? So, who are
your mentors?

True Life Story 5.1 My Mentors

I grew up under lovely parents Mark and Irene Mutoko who taught me many
things such as hard work; good manners; excellence at school; focus;
avoiding alcohol, smoking and girlfriends at school-going-age. My dad and
mum remain my greatest heroes for life.

However, for me to practically learn the essence of a peaceful marriage,
anchored on Gods word, I had to stay with my Godly cousin Bethrem and his
wife Dorcas for several months. I learnt it from them that marriage is possible
with respect and no-cheating. So many things that I had not quite understood
when growing up were imparted in me during my stay with this loving couple.
My mentors are one of the reasons why I am enjoying a blissful marriage.

A mentor is someone who has gone through your situation; and s/he can
easily guide you through the process. Personally, I use the help of coaches,
and I will forever be grateful for having them in my life. This is one of the
reasons I am enjoying a life-long honey moon with my wife. It can happen to
anyone, including you my dear reader.

My mentor warned me against traps before I got into a relationship with
Phillis. He warned me that I had to read at least five books about marriage,
before I married. He warned me against taking too long in a relationship
without marrying. He also advised me to pray and fast months before wedding

day. His advice worked and is still working like fire today. As for you, when did
you last meet your mentor(s).

True Life Story 5.2 illustrates how Jones grew up without home mentorship,
but he got it in a pastors home.

True Life Story 5.2 It Surely Pays To Follow a Mentor

Jones grew up in a one-parent home, where he stayed with his brother and
hard-working mother. He only knew his father by the time he turned 21. He
grew up in bitterness as to why a man (his so-called father), could bear
children and run away, to leave the family suffering. Jones was also
discouraged about marriage when he saw the bad examples of marriage in
his village. There was no single marriage that he could envy or learn from. So
he decided at an early age that he was not going to get into a love
relationship, neither was he going to marry.

Thank God for Jesus that arrested Jones when he was 22 years old. Seeing
that God was calling him to become a pastor; Jones decided to move into a
pastors house to be mentored. I saw that I needed practical lessons on how
to relate with opposite sex, how to marry, how to lead a successful home and
ministry. So since I had not learnt such things in our home, and no school
taught such things; I had to stay with my successful pastor to be mentored,
said Jones.

This decision which Jones made 18 years ago, to go for mentorship, is
showing fruits today as he is happily married, has four well-groomed children,
and he is the Senior Pastor of an ever flourishing church numbering over 3
000 members. It surely pays to follow a mentor. You have no excuse
whatever.


How many people fail in life and ministry today and blame their parents and
background? They fail to realise that all of us can learn from our past, but
what happens in our lives is a direct result of our thinking and actions. Getting
mentorship as Jones did, is one way of ensuring success in career and life.

Mentors versus Advisors

"A coachable person understands and is mature enough to understand
that a little hurt today is worth it for a lot of help tomorrow."
~ J ohn C. Maxwell

An advisor is someone who gives you ideas that may or may not help you. An
advisor mostly speaks things s/he has read or heard, but not necessarily
experienced. S/he can also speak from experience, but that doesnt
necessarily qualify them as a mentor. On the other hand, a mentor is your
guide or coach. You can choose to follow them remotely, that is from afar, by
reading their books or listening to their tapes. But many times, it is more
effective to have a mentor you can see and talk to. The choice is yours.

Both mentors and advisors are crucial in life. Nevertheless, mentors are rare
to find, but advisors are plenty. Anyone can be an advisor, but a mentor who
can find? If you have a relationship/marriage mentor and you rarely consult
him/her for help and guidance, s/he is an advisor, not a mentor. You should
never take crucial steps without your mentor knowing. Same applies to your
business mentor, academic mentor, spiritual mentor, financial mentor, and
career mentor. All successful people have different mentors for each area of
life. You have to build lasting relationships with your mentors for you to gain
lasting success.

True Life Story 5.3 shows how Yolanda still got married after age 40 by
following footsteps of a good mentor.

True Life Story 5.3 She Got the Right Partner Even After Age 40

Yolanda came to Mother Doreen for counselling, a few years ago, at the age
of 46. Her life was battered and shattered. Five years before she knew the
Lord, her relationships were a mess. She had been abused by different men
promising to marry her, but later dumping her. She was bitter and hopeless.
Yolanda trusted Mother Doreen with her life, and took her as mentor. She said
in tears, Mummy, my life is in a mess. I have chosen you as my mentor,
because I desire your exemplary marriage. Please help me come out of this
mess!

Mother Doreen prayed with Yolanda hours on end. She guided her step-by-
step how she could still get the right partner even after age 40. She was not
ashamed to say anything happening in her life. Yolanda could call and visit
her mentor several times per week for updates and guidance. A year ago, she
got married to a fine gentleman and they are happily married; and God
blessed the couple with a set of twins. It was as if God gave the couple twins
to cover up for lost time. Whatever Yolanda had tried to achieve by her own
efforts, she got it faster with the help of a mentor.

I pray that your relationship and eventually your marriage will be one of the
best! A mentor will help you avoid unnecessary pitfalls. There is nothing new
under the sun; and you cant know everything by yourself. Locate a more
mature person of same sex with you whom you can trust, and tell them
everything about your life. Keep in close contact with the mentor, and you will
never regret the success you will get from this simple wisdom.

Involve Family and Loved Ones in Dating & Courtship

For you to be successful and safe in dating and courtship, you should involve
your parents and loved ones as illustrated in Expert Advice 5.4 below.

Expert Advice 5.4 Dating is not an Individualistic Exercise
Both single men and single women should be encouraged not to look at
dating as an individualistic exercise. The entire processfrom finding
compatible people to date, to dating, to preparing for marriageshould be
more of a community affair. Singles parents, pastors, church elders, and
friends should all take some responsibility here. (Kevin Offner, from
Touchstonemag.com article Courtship for Christians).
Know How to Tap Into the Grace of Your Mentors

Your mentors have become successful without you; so they dont need you.
You need them more than ever. ~ Dr. David Oyedepo

You need to understand that, although you can help your mentor in one way
or the other; your mentor has been successful without you, so do not beat
your chest about it. Actually you are the one who needs help, not your mentor!
This attitude helps you to approach your mentor with humility.

True Life Story 5.5 Who Doesnt Want Helping a Helpful Person?

Recently a young lady (Clara) mentored by Priscian, called Priscian that she
wanted to come for counselling. Priscian had a lot of work to do, so she said
to Clara, Sorry I am very busy. You can visit another time. The simple
reason why Priscian refused Claras visit that day, is that Clara is lazy. She
always comes for help only. Even after being given food; when Clara finishes
eating she doesnt help removing and washing dishes. So Priscian knew that
hosting such a person on a busy day meant she would postpone her work to
attend to Clara.

However, if Clara cared to help with work once in a while during visits to
Priscians house; Priscian could have allowed her to come on a busy day. The
two would then do laundry together faster, while talking through some of
Claras problems. You can bet it, they would finish laundry faster and have
time to talk more. Clara would also be blessed by Priscian for helping her. But
alas! Clara is like many young singles I know, arrogant, lazy, and unhelpful.
Guess the result; Clara and such other people get little help from mentors.
Who doesnt want helping a helpful person? Mentors will surely help you more
if they see you as a responsible single, not a parasite that expects spoon-
feeding.

I have made it a point to service back my mentors. For example, I gave a free
copy of my first book to my mentors who helped me publish it. It is in my
nature never to take advantage of people. I would rather allow people to take
advantage of me because God sent me to them. I am surrounded by advisors
and mentors: legal, career, business, relationship, ministry, and spiritual etc.
My desire is always to plant back something into my helpers lives.
Sometimes I give them money; sometimes I pray for them and help them
otherwise.
Time and again I am surprised by people who want help completely for free.
They know how to keep wealth for themselves and will never honour the
vessels used to help them. It wont work! Let me help you here! When is your
pastor (spiritual mentor)s birthday? When is your boss (career mentor)s
birthday? Last time when your mentor faced problems, how did you help?
When did you last help your teacher (academic mentor) to carry piles of
books? When last did you pray for your mentor?
IN SHORT, FOR YOU TO GET BEST HELP FROM OTHER PEOPLE, YOU
MUST BE INTERESTED IN THEIR LIVES. There is no pipe that transports
water and remains dry. As the pipe carries water, it automatically becomes
ever wet. Similarly, if you water (help)
IN SHORT, FOR YOU TO
GET BEST HELP FROM
OTHER PEOPLE, YOU
MUST BE INTERESTED IN
THEIR LIVES.

your mentors, your life will be nourished more. Are you watering your
mentors, or you are a parasite? Who wants a parasite? No one!
You can give your mentor money; help with physical work for example,
clearing grass at his/house, or helping to clean plates; buy them clothes, pray
for them, or any other way possible. Many times a mentor will not charge you
for guidance and help; but if you are wise, you will distinguish yourself from
thousands of parasites that are helped by the mentor. Right now, is there a
reason why your mentor will miss you and pray for you, or why s/he would
sacrifice to see you on a busy schedule?

True Life Story 5.6 We Blessed our Mentors Parent

Years ago, one of my mentors parents visited our town for the first time.
When my wife and I saw him, our hearts were excited. We couldnt imagine,
our own spiritual mothers father is around! Wow! What can we do to please
him? He is also our father. Though we didnt have much money, we quickly
packaged a thousand bucks, a letter of appreciation, and we designed a
certificate of appreciation for our mentors father.

You should have been there when we handed our presents in. We received
many blessings from our mentors father, our mum (mentor) and from her
husband. Will these three great people forget us? Do you think they will forget
to pray for us? I beg to differ!

Good things dont just happen. We have excitedly blessed our mentors over
and over again, and the results are amazing. Unfortunately, I see many
people who think that by being our mentees, they are doing us a favour. Not
so! We have been successful before the mentees, and life gets better without
the mentees around because it means less work.


I understand this because I know my own mentors dont need me. I am
actually the one who needs them. When you grasp that, you will think straight,
and you will do things differently. Favour will immediately become your name.
If the advice I am giving here is making you angry, I am glad because i
assume it will cause you to change.
Dont Mix Up Things

I have seen many people who move
from person to person seeking help.
Wont you get confused at the end? There is no harm in having a number of
mentors, but you should be careful not to choose many mentors who speak
completely different things and they end up confusing you or divulging your
secrets to other people. For example, when I was a youth, I chose my cousin
and his wife as my main mentors. Later they referred me to a pastor in the
same church for mentoring, and I was getting same help, no new complicated
ideas.

Some youths are lazy to work on their lives, so they go around seeking help
from everybody! This is bad because you may get conflicting ideas on
important issues of life. It is better to have a few specific mentors helping you;
rather than too many advisors that confuse you with different teachings and
beliefs.
Summary
There is no great person without a mentor. The best way to tour a place is by
using a human guide or coach who has been to where you are going; rather
than using guess work. There are people near you that are successful in
relationships and marriage, choose one, preferably a man if you are a man,
and a woman if you are a woman. Alone, life can be tough and rough, but with
a mentor, life gets simple.

Alone, life can be tough and rough,
but with a mentor, life gets simple.


Mistake Five: LACK OF MENTORSHIP
5.1 Who is your mentor in relationships?
______________________________________
5.2 How often do you consult your
mentor?____________________________________


MISTAKE SIX: NOT CONSULTING THE MANUFACTURER OF HUMAN
BEINGS

The word of the Lord came unto me, saying,
Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee;
And before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee,
And I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.
~ Jeremiah 1:5 (KJV)

Without a general, an army is lost. Greek Proverb

God is the designer of relationships. Without him relationships wont function
well. Failure to consult God leads to many mistakes causing you to cry, Lord,
the partner you gave me , yet you know that you got the partner by yourself
without consulting God. No matter what you do, life depends on God. The fact
that you are breathing now, is just by His grace. Remember, God controls
your oxygen; anytime He wants He can disconnect your oxygen, and you
become history. Never be fooled by your achievements relationship,
academic, financial, career etc; God matters in your life. He loves you so
much that He cares about your relationships and your future.

Understanding Gods importance in your life naturally translates to the fact
that you need direct connection with Him. You need to establish a close
relationship with God, so He gets interested in your affairs. Prayer and
meditating on Gods word is one way to maintain a good walk with Him.
Maintaining a close walk with God results in Him giving you strength, wisdom,
protection and support in life and relationships. According to Dr. David
Oyedepo, You dont decide your purpose, you discover it. A belt can never
serve as a neck tie. If you are a misfit, you suffer frustration.


To connect with God for the first time, you do Activity 6.1 below:

Activity 6.1 Connecting with God

In case you are not yet born again, please pray the following prayer:

Father God I come to you in the name of Jesus Christ. I know that I am a
sinner, and I cannot help myself. Lord Jesus I believe you died for my sins,
and on the third day you came back to life. Come into my heart Jesus and
become the Lord of my life. Help me to live a life that pleases you. Thank you
Lord; for saving me.

Congratulations!!! You are now a child of God. You are connected to the most
loving and caring being on earth, Almighty God. From today, start attending a
good Bible based Church. Buy a Bible and read it daily. Pray and grow
spiritually through fellowship with born again Christians. God will now help you
in relationships and everything.

Winning Invisible Battles First

Wickedness is real; and forces of wickedness abound all around us today.
But, I have good news for you, if you are a child of God: you can overcome all
the forces of wickedness! ~ Bishop David Oyedepo

Many times, people struggle to get married because of demonic influence.
That is why Apostle Paul said,

A final word: be strong with the Lords mighty power. Put on all of Gods
armour so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies and tricks of

the Devil. For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but
against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those
mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in
the heavenly realms. ~ Ephesians 6: 10-12 (NLT).

Successful life is a result of victory over the enemy, over Satan and his
demons. To succeed in life, you have to soldier on until you win all battles!

Obviously there are dangers of relating and marrying someone from a
different religion or faith. It is wise to get someone you fellowship with so you
will not get surprises in future.
Success Tips

Dance with God, Hell let the right person cut in. ~ Unknown

God is your maker, whether you believe it or not. He is concerned about your
welfare, and desires the best for you in your relationships. To quote the words
of Jesus Christ,

Ask and it shall be given unto you, knock and the door shall be opened, seek
and you will find. ~ Mathew 7:7

God will not necessarily choose a partner for every single, but he will direct
you to a suitable person; particularly according to the qualities you have
asked for from God.


Conquer Evil Spirits

"Satan is not a fictional character or a figment of the imagination. He is a real
spiritual being who has a specific agenda: to destroy peoples lives and lead
them to Hell."
~ Dr. Creflo Dollar

True Life Story 6:2 Jessica Conquers Evil Spirits

Jessica kept herself holy and virgin before the Lord up to the age of 33.
People were mocking and laughing at her saying, She goes about preaching
and praying, but she cant help herself to get married! These mockeries only
helped to strengthen Jessica the more. She kept on doing well and serving in
Gods vineyard. She went to her mentor a more senior lady in the church
that had a stable marriage. The mentor told her not to depend on anyone for
deliverance. She had to fast and pray, to turn around her destiny.

Immediately, Jessica started prayer and fasting for three days. At the end of
the three days, Jessica heard strange voices laughing, He he de! You will
never get married! You have a spirit husband that you were given while you
were a small girl! So forget any success in relationships! Just forget about
marriage! Ha-ha-ha!

Immediately after the strange laughter, and queer words spoken in the air;
Jessica knew that her warfare was far from over. She continued fighting the
demons in prayer and fasting. She read more books on spiritual warfare
written by her pastor. Prayers from her mentor and from her pastor prevailed;
and at age 34, Jessica got married to a handsome young man. As I write, she

is happily married, and she has four lovely children. Glory to God, and shame
to the devil forever!

Some good-looking singles wonder why no one has ever been serious to
relate or marry them. It could be caused by evil spirits. You have to win
against spirit husbands, spirit wives and other spirits that are against your
progress, particularly against fruitful relationships; for you to enjoy
relationships and eventually get married. For example, if you regularly have
sex, or you eat food in your dreams; there is a possibility that an evil spirit is
messing you up, and may delay your marriage and/or progress in life.
Sometimes you can notice the trends in your clan of marrying and re-marrying
among your aunties or uncles.

True Life Story 6:3 Saul Defeats Evil Forces

Some time back, one young man by the name Saul came to me for prayer
and counselling. He knelt down and cried: Sir I have suffered enough. I
cannot find a woman to marry. Every woman I propose love to will laugh at
me. Even if one will agree to love me, within a month, she will say that she
has changed her mind. The other problem is that there is a woman that visits
me in my dreams at night to have sex with me. So every morning when I wake
up, my manhood is wounded and painful. I am tired of this! Please help me!

On hearing his sad story, my heart was grieved and I was filled with
compassion and prayed for him. I taught Saul how to fight demons, and he
fasted for 14 days; while he read a book on spiritual warfare. That was the
end of his affliction.

I met him recently, and he was full of smiles. He said to me, Do you
remember me? I am Saul. That guy you helped in 2002. This is my wife and
two children. Praise God I am free!


For the same reason, Jesus Christ once told the father of an epileptic child,
This kind doesnt go, except by prayer and fasting. It is a good idea to have
a mentor helping you, then you locate scriptures of warfare, you pray and fast,
well before you think of marriage. When you conquer any spirits troubling you,
your breakthrough comes.

True Life Story 6.4 Multi-Sexual Behaviour Terminated

Over ten years ago, while I was still a school teacher, a school girl aged 16
came to me for counselling. She was beautiful and looked responsible, but
her school performance was pitiful. She said: Mr. Mutoko, I need your
assistance. Tears and mourning. I cannot say NO to any man that
proposes me. I cant say NO sir! Tears and mourning. Any man - old or
young, short or tall, dark or light in complexion, I just find myself accepting. I
just say YES; but now I am tired. My sisters do the same, my mother does the
same, and my grandmother did the same. Please I am tired!

Her story was heart-rending. We prayed together over a few weeks while she
read books on spiritual warfare. From there she became a different person.
She cut all the love relationships and started concentrating on school work. By
the time she wrote her O-Level exams, she got straight As that surprised
her relatives and friends. At first she had not known that her behaviour was
caused by evil spirits of multi-sexual acts.

If you have the same problem, and you wonder why you fail to have a lasting
relationship; you need to seek spiritual help near you, particularly from your
pastor. I wish you the best and freedom at last.

I like Dr. Creflo Dollars conclusion on this matter: The good news is that
while Satan is real, so is God! In fact, God is more powerful than any demonic

force in Hell. And when a Christian knows who they are in Christ, they can
exercise authority over the devil and stop his works."
Summary

Seeking Gods help is the wisest thing you can ever do to become successful
in relationships. You cannot be wiser than God, the greatest of all relaters and
lovers. Scriptures say, For God so loved the world that He gave His only
begotten son ... (John 3:16). God so loved, by giving His only... You can
depend on him for directions. Sometimes you may not even know why you fail
in relationships and/or marriage. You need to go ahead and attack any spirit
responsible for the delay in your marriage. If you dont fight and mention the
demons in prayer, you will never know that they are the ones causing your
problem.

Mistake Six: Not consulting the Manufacturer of Human Beings

6.1 Are you seeking Gods help?
__________________________________________

6.2 When was the last time you fasted and prayed to God for guidance in
your relationship?
_______________________________________________________

6.3 Which scriptures are you using to pray for success in relationships
and/or marriage partner?
________________________________________________________

"From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven.
And when two souls that are destined to be together find each other, their
streams of light flow together, and a single brighter light goes forth from their
united being."
~ Author Unknown

"Every Timothy needs a Paul; Every Ruth needs a Naomi."
~ Pastor Aaron Williams


MISTAKE SEVEN: NOT PLANNING FOR THE FUTURE, WAITING FOR A
RICH FIANCE

MY COMFORT ZONE
By Author Unknown

If you're in a comfort zone, afraid to venture out,
Remember that all winners were at one time filled with doubt.
A step or two and words of praise can make your dreams come true.
Reach for your future with a smile; success is there for you!

A woman who is willing to be herself, and pursue her own potential, runs not
so much the risk of loneliness, as the challenge of exposure to more
interesting men - and people in general. ~ Lorraine Hansberry

Some singles do not plan for a successful future, because they dream of
getting a wealthy fiance who will make them rich. Today there are many
young men and women who write in newspapers, magazines or on the
internet expressing a desire to locate a rich and successful fiance; who will
turn their fortunes around. Fact is; how many single and wealthy people are
out there? How many singles are expecting to be lucky to get the wealthy
fiance? Can you afford to fold your hands and sit down without developing
your life; waiting for a rich person some day? What if you get a Rich fiance,
but s/he is up to playing only? What if you never get the rich person at all? Are
you after richies or personality? Will you call yourself a responsible person?

To echo the words of Dr. David Oyedepo:
A successful life is not measured by the quantity of accumulated
possessions, neither is it measured by popularity. Rather, it consists of the

attainment of Gods goals and purposes for ones life. Everyone who is born
of God has a divine plan for his life.

Before you venture into relationships, what is your life plan? Why were you
born? What sort of partner will fit into your vision for life?

When you marry someone for their Mercedes Benz, for instance, in times of
crisis or physical abuse, the car will be parked and will never defend you.
When you marry someone for what they possess, you become one of their
possessions; and they can abuse you anytime. They can replace you with
another possession similar to the way they could replace lawn mower. Do you
want to be treated like that? When you touch a television, they say to you:
Hey! Dont hurt my television! I bought this gadget when you were not there!

Are you sure to drop your career and
studies because of a relationship or
marriage? Wont you regret tomorrow?
What if you get into marriage and things
dont work out as you thought, yet you
threw away your career and destiny?

Success Tips

Even the rich are hungry for love, for being wanted, for having someone to
call their own. ~ Mother Theresa

Rich people also need to be loved from a good heart, not just from a heart of
someone looking for money. Not from a fake heart! Not from a heart looking
for goodies! Not from a gold-digger!

One of the reasons my wife and I enjoy a heaven-on-earth marriage, is that
we married out of true love and mutual understanding. It was not for money or
When you marry someone for
what they possess, you
become one of their
possessions; and they can
abuse you anytime.


wealth because none of these was available. I married four months after
college; and you can be sure there was no money stored anywhere.
Therefore, I encourage you to make a conscious decision to relate, and then
marry for the right reasons. There is no problem marrying a rich guy, but be
sure to verify that s/he doesnt have other lovers and that you will not be
his/her next toy.

It is wise to do all you can to develop yourself academically, financially,
spiritually, mentally, career wise, and physically before courtship and
marriage. Most successful people find it more comfortable to relate and marry
like-minded people of their level in life.

More often than not, when successful people date or court lower-class
prospects; they dont intend to marry, but to have fun. So you need to be
careful who is dating you, and what level they are in life. I am sure you dont
like to be the fiance for test drive, then when your fiance wants to marry;
s/he gets a different person.

Eating Someones Money or Goodies

There is no free lunch anywhere; you pay for it one way or the other. Many
girls get stuck if they decide to quit a relationship, because they owe lover
money or goodies. Asking for money and material possessions in a
relationship is a sign of being a parasite; and I wonder how many people
enjoy relating with parasites. Hid the words of Fortune Cookie who said: Be
Careful. Bees with honey in their mouths can have stingers in their back. This
is illustrated in True Life Story 7.1 below:

True Life Story 7.1 She Had Eaten a Boys Money and She Couldnt Pay
Back

Mildred was deep in love with Job. However both of them were still in junior
secondary school. That year I happened to be the chair person of Youth

Fellowship at church. Those days I tried using force. I would threaten
members of the youth that I must never find them in ungodly love
relationships; otherwise ... In fact no youth was to date, until they were ready
for marriage! But alas! Mildred and Job fell head-over-hills in love, and I was
the only one who didnt know about their affair.

One day Mildred decided to quit the relationship, to walk upright with the Lord.
That was the beginning of her problems. Actually it was the events that
unfolded after her decision to quit the relationship with Job that caused me to
know what was going on. I vividly remember; she came to me in tears saying,
Chairman, please help. I am in trouble as my fiance is demanding that if I
am quitting our relationship; I have to pay back all the money I collected from
him, and compensate him for the costs incurred when he took care of me. I
was shocked that, this fine sister had been misbehaving under my
leadership, but now she needed my help.

That day I learnt that no one can ever force another to walk upright. Anyway,
back to the story, I asked Job to write a list of all the money that our sister
owed him, so I would pay him the money and free the sister to serve God. I
was so pained in my heart that this sister was being forced to stay in an
immoral relationship because she had eaten a boys money and she couldnt
pay back. It saddened me that some unscrupulous men take advantage of
ladies who collect money and goodies when they are not married to the guy.
They use the money spent on the girl as a hook to stay forever in the
relationship. How sad!

Job went away and came back with no list. He just wanted to frustrate
Mildred. And indeed he managed to frustrate her to hell, as she could not set
herself free from the trap. Could I help her any further? Obviously no, I gave
up! She had been bitten by what she sort.

Dont be too cheap! A person good for marriage doesnt behave like a
parasite. Try as much as you can to avoid consuming lots of money from

your partner before marriage; lest you get trapped if you decide to opt out of
the relationship.

Think Point 7.2 Rich Man wanted!

Here is a newspaper excerpt:

Rich Man wanted!

I am a beautiful 25 year-old lady looking for a 45 to 70 year-old rich man who
is ready to settle down. He must be serious, loving, caring, and handsome. He
should have many luxurious cars, houses, and must love travelling. He must
also have lots of cash and investments. Additionally, he should love cooking
and doing household chores.

What is your opinion of the woman in this case?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

Would you think the woman in question is serious about long-term loving
relationship and stable marriage?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

Consider the following example as well:

Think Point 7.3 Sugar Mummy Urgently Needed!

Here is a newspaper excerpt:


Sugar Mummy Urgently Needed!

I am a 24 year-old man looking for a rich, independent and self-sufficient
woman who is ready to marry. Her age should range from 45 to 75 years. She
must be, loving, caring, and beautiful. She should have her own cars and
accommodation. She should be a good cook; and a lover of fun. Willingness
to share money and resources is a must; she must not be stingy.

What is your opinion of the man in this case?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

Would you think the man in question is serious about long-term loving
relationship or marriage?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

Summary

It is important for you to have personal goals for life. Avoid living today with
only one useless aim waiting for a rich man or woman to marry you. Be
responsible, and work on your life. Nobody likes to relate or marry a parasite
waiting to receive only and never give.

Mistake Seven: Not Planning For the Future, Waiting For a Rich Fiance

7.1 What are your personal goals?
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
_______________________________________


7.2 What is your career? What are you doing to be better in your career
and life?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

Real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that nobodys going to know
whether you did it or not. ~ Oprah Winfrey


MISTAKE EIGHT: TRYING TO ESCAPE LONELINESS

IT'S UP TO ME
By James J. Metcalfe
And I remind myself that I
Am capable and free,
And my success and happiness
Are really up to me.

A man who finds no satisfaction in himself will seek for it in vain elsewhere.
~ La Rochefoucauld

Thinking that getting into a relationship will remove loneliness is a grave
mistake. Many singles make this mistake, only to realize that they get into
courtship and eventually marriage, but they remain lonely.

Loneliness can be defined as the unhappiness that is felt by someone
because they do not have friends or anyone to talk to. It is more a problem in
the mind than anything else. You could still be among loved ones, but feel
lonely. However, under normal circumstances, you should feel comfortable
whether with others around, or by yourself.

Think Point 8.1: Comfortable Without a Girlfriend

I dont have a girlfriend. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a fiance.
But when I look at my friends and they are having heartache, I think its nice to
be single. Let me grow up until I am close to marriage, then I will get into one
good relationship. For now I need to concentrate on school and developing
myself spiritually, mentally, financially and socially. Tom G.

What is your opinion on Toms decision to stay single until when he is ready to
marry?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

Success Tips

Pray that your loneliness may spur you into
finding something to live for, great enough to die
for. ~ Dag Hammarskjold

Loneliness is usually caused by failure to accept
and appreciate self. It could be because when you grew up, you never
experienced love; maybe you were belittled, and verbally or physically
abused. Parents, peers or teachers may have negatively impacted on you by
telling you, You are good-for-nothing, ugly and dumb. If you believe such
prophecy of doom, then you find it hard to accept yourself worthy of good
things.

Brendan Francis said it well: At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep
and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self.

Here is a magazine excerpt to illustrate dangers of loneliness:

Real Life Experience 8.2: Losing Interest

Start by accepting
and loving yourself
first, before you try
loving another
person.

Losing Interest
I have been dating my girlfriend for four years but shes so negative about her
looks. She always talks about how other girls are more beautiful than she is
its making me lose interest although I do love her. Bertha

Sis Pinkie Answers
Dear Bertha. I can imagine your frustration. It seems as if your girlfriend has
poor self-image. With love and support she can overcome this lack of
confidence.

You cant counsel her on this issue, but you can be honest with her and let
her know how you feel about the current state of your relationship.

Encourage her to seek professional help. Good luck!

This lack of self-acceptance and self-esteem may fail you in any relationship
you try, as illustrated above. You therefore need to accept yourself as worth
living. You could do this by building a relationship with God, read the Bible,
pray, read motivational books, seek counsel from professional counsellors
and pastors.

You need not be arrogant, but appreciate and value yourself. The Bible says
that you should love your neighbour as you love yourself. It therefore follows
that you will find it hard to love and appreciate others when you dont love
yourself. Start by accepting and loving yourself first, before you try loving
another person.

To deal with loneliness, you should love, value, and accept yourself. I am one
person that used to experience loneliness, many years ago. Even at a party
with friends or with family members I would feel out of place. But from the time
I learnt to appreciate myself; when I learnt that I was born for a purpose,
loneliness left me for good. Its one thing to be alone and yet another thing to
be lonely. Loneliness can happen even when you are in the midst of others.


It is a mistake to decide going into a relationship, or marriage to avoid
loneliness, because you may find that when your spouse or fiance is there,
you can still be lonely and bored. You therefore need to work on your self-
esteem before venturing into a relationship.

Expert Advice 8.3 WOMEN BEWARE OF
THE LIE

WOMEN BEWARE OF THE LIE: When I
find a man and get married, I will finally
feel happy and complete. If thats true, why
are so many women getting divorced (or wishing they were)? Why do
Hollywood stars ditch beauties for someone else? The truth is, you will only
feel happy and complete when you let God be your first love. No man
especially one who is not Gods best for youwill even come close. When the
excitement wears off (and it will), you will feel more alone than when you were
single. By telling ourselves the truth, we have every chance to find the very
best man that God wants to give us. (Julie Ferwerda, from Crosswalk.com
article 9 Lies Women Tell Themselves about Men)

You have to learn to appreciate and love you, before you get into any serious
relationship. If you take you for granted, you will always assume that everyone
you meet takes you like trash.

Many people can do anything to lure you into a relationship, and marriage.
Forewarned is forearmed:

Expert Advice 8.4: Do not compromise.

Dont compromise. Funny what loneliness can do? People with whom we
have nothing in common and sometimes hardly like are suddenly
attractive. We can even convince ourselves its unreasonable for God to make
us wait for physical pleasure. But anytime we push ahead of Him, either by
It is a mistake to decide
going into a relationship, or
marriage to avert
loneliness, because you
may find that even when
your spouse or fiance is
there, can still be lonely
and bored.

trying to force a dubious relationship or misplacing our moral compass, were
like the Prodigal, sifting through slop when we could revel in riches down the
road. (Carolyn MacInnes, from the Boundless.org article, In the
Meantime: What to Do While Waiting on God).

Loneliness can be disastrous. Every person needs to love and understand
themselves first before moving into a relationship.
Summary

If you are lonely before a relationship, you cannot be happy in the
relationship. So work on your self-esteem before getting into any relationship.
Love yourself, appreciate self, accept and forgive yourself for previous
mistakes. You are only human, and you are prone to make mistakes. Now
decide to move on with life. There is a bright future ahead of you.

Mistake Eight: Trying to Escape Loneliness

8.1 Do you love and accept yourself?
________________________________________________________
8.2 Which book are you reading to improve your self-esteem?
________________________________________________________

It is of practical value to learn to like you. Since you must spend so
much time with yourself you might as well get some satisfaction out of
the relationship.
~ Norman Vincent Pearl


If you are lonely before marriage, you will remain lonely in marriage.
~ Dr. Myles Munroe


MISTAKE NINE: GRANTING A FIANCE YOUR BODY BEFORE
MARRIAGE

Why?

Do you enjoy eating an unripe orange?
Why eat a green orange before time?
How come you kill what you eat not?
As a snake kills a rabbit,
And leave it unconsumed!
Man, why fondle or sleep with a lady,
Whom you havent officially married?

Woman, why give your body to a man,
That is not officially your husband?
Why should you be cheap and cry,
When tomorrow you are dumped?
As a cow goes for slaughter,
You are led into a secluded place,
As if you know not what awaits you!

In case you were taken advantage of,
Weep not and despair not.
Once beaten, twice shy
God will forgive your mistakes,
But will you repeat the same errors?
Surely you ought to be wiser,
And keep yourself, for your
One and only future husband/wife!

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
~ Matt Barry

One of the biggest mistakes singles make is allowing their partner to touch,
kiss, fondle or sleep with them before marriage. You see a lady going into a
guys room, and by the time she leaves the room, she is putting on different
clothes. Just that behaviour, causes your fiance to doubt your legitimacy. He
will assume that your boldness to remove clothes in his presence shows you
have done it before other guys. He could go ahead and enjoy you, but
knowing pretty well he will never marry such a cheap person. Very few men
are willing to pay bride price or dowry, and accept responsibility for any
pregnancies after staying or playing with you free of charge. Many singles
are bitter because they feel they were used by their partners, and later got
dumped.

Multi-Sexual Relationships

Whoever loves wisdom makes his father rejoice, but a companion of harlots
wastes his wealth. ~ Proverbs 29:3 (KJV)

Another terrible tendency by singles is being in love correctly termed
LUST with multiple partners. It cant be called love, because when you truly
love, how would you share your heart with several people.

I remember one lady who said, I have two hundred partners. Some are for
airtime, others partying, clothes, cars, money etc What a shame! Do you
think such a lady is thinking of settling down one day? Obviously a big NO!

Success Tips

"I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to
sleep with me and she said 'no.'" ~Woody Allen

The issue is simple; a man will trust you, pay bride price, and stick to your
heart, when he sees that you are firm; and you wont allow him to touch you or

play with you before marriage. Every man is looking for such a serious
woman, who reserves her body for his one-and-only-man, who is committed
to follow expected marital procedures; not someone who is out to eat you
and run away without paying.

Similarly, every lady is looking for a man who will keep himself pure for her
alone. Nevertheless, both men and women should be careful not to fall into
hands of predators. Even in churches, there are men or women who live way-
ward lives, but they come to church looking for honest partners. Usually God
will allow a fake woman or man looking for a partner to locate a fake partner
without knowing.

Importantly, if you fall in love with the wrong person, and it doesnt work out;
you are at an advantage if you have not been sexually used in the process.
My advice is: no matter how much you think you are in love; you must never
do what married people do, before you are officially married. Before you
marry, never give your partner privileges that are only found in marriage. If
you have been used and you fall away, it leaves scars of pain.

Think Point 9.1 below, a lady who was firm in keeping her integrity:

Think Point 9.1: Lame says, He Wanted to Sleep with Me

I went out with this guy for four months. I loved him. Then he asked me to
sleep with him to prove that I love him. And I said if he wants me to prove my
love by sleeping with him, we better break up. And we did. But my heart was
broken. ~ Lame T.

9.1 What do you think about Lames situation?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
9.2 Did Lame do the right thing to break away from the
guy?__________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
9.3 If you were Lame, what would you
do?___________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

Playing with a partner who hasnt yet paid bride price, and hasnt followed all
noble procedures, is just like allowing a client to eat food in your restaurant on
credit for several months. When you finally demand your money, the payer
(partner) feels pain. Its as if they are paying for nothing because they have
forgotten how delicious the food was. They would rather go and buy fresh
food somewhere for cash (that is, look for a virgin somewhere else) and leave
you crying.

Always remember that you will not be young forever. Many singles waste
their lives when they are young and beautiful or handsome. Before they know
it, wrinkles start showing up and they begin to panic; then they seriously start
looking for a man or woman to marry. That can be too late! It is wiser to keep
yourself for one man or woman; and decide that you enter courtship for
marriage, than for fun. You dont touch naked electric wires for fun; they may
take your life!
Fornication or Adultery
The major cause of divorce is fornication, rather than adultery. That is why
Jesus said:
And I say unto you, whosoever shall put away his wife,
except it be for fornication, and shall marry another,
committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put
away doth commit adultery. (Matthew 19:9, KJV)
Is it not crazy
for teenagers
to date and
experience
intimacy? Is
dating not for
people ready
to marry?

Fornication is sex before marriage. Adultery is sex during marriage, with
someone who is not your partner. Jesus placed fornication as the cause for
divorce, because of breach of trust.
The main cause of divorce is not what is happening during marriage, but what
happened before marriage. If you are a fornicator before marriage, you will
more likely be an adulterer during marriage. If you remain pure before
marriage, you will more likely remain pure during marriage.
Is it not crazy for teenagers to date and experience intimacy? Is dating not for
people ready to marry?
Personally, I made it a point that I never slept with my partner until after
marriage ceremony. It has helped me because right now we enjoy a sweet,
stress-free marriage. My wife has never had sexual intimacy with another man
apart from me, and vice-versa. No one knows everything, and I am not trying
to sound perfect; I am just trying to sound a warning bell to the young singles
who have never known a man or woman. Keep yourself clean, and you avoid
unnecessary future heartaches. To those who have already made a mistake I
say: Go and sin no more.

The Bible says, "Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the
body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body" (1
Corinthians 6:18, ASV). We are not to play with fornication, but flee it.

Summary

No one will ever force you to make changes to your life. I have no right to tell
you what to do; but my duty as a Counsellor and Pastor is to encourage you
to think of changing for the better. In case you had already lost virginity or you
have been cheated, abused or dumped; this is not the end of life. You are so
precious before God and I. There is yet another chance coming your way.
This time, be careful not to fall prey again. Keep yourself and protect yourself.
Your destiny is in your hands. I wish you the best. Always remember - God
loves you and so do I.

Mistake Nine: Granting Your Fiance Your Body before Marriage
9.1 Is your body safe?
________________________________________________________
9.2 Who are your friends? Do they encourage you to keep yourself until
marriage?
________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________

You are what happened when I wished upon a star.
You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across
fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they
won't laugh if you trip. ~ Jonathan Carroll


MISTAKE TEN: FALLING IN LOVE WITH A PERSON FROM A DIFFERENT
BACKGROUND

A MANS DEEP CRY

One man said:
I am applying for divorce!
My wife is the wrong one!
I am tired of cooking for her
And doing household chores

What a sad scenario?
This man married a wife,
And suffered silently 10 years
Because of background difference

He should have researched
Well before marriage;
And decide if he would manage;
To stay with a woman from abroad

Beware! Divorce is like amputation!
You never remain the same!
Always apply a background check,
Before going far with a relationship

Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. Its not something you
learn in school, but if you havent learned the meaning of friendship, you really
havent learned anything. ~ Muhammad Ali


Many singles choose partners without a thorough background check, and that
results in terrible misunderstandings. For example, in some cultures, women
cook and do household chores, while men go hunting, or support the family.
In some cultures, it is the men who cook, even though they go to work. If you
are ready to do what is not in your culture, fine. But if you find it hard; why
even enter into a relationship; let alone try marriage?

There is an African saying marry from your neighbourhood. Our forefathers
emphasized that no one was to marry someone from far away. Parents
insisted that their children were to marry in well-known families. Before telling
your parents that you were dating someone, you would better make sure that
the person is from your neighbourhood. Otherwise parents would give an
outright NO to your proposal. This custom helped, because people in the
neighbourhood knew each others weaknesses and strengths. This custom is
illustrated below:

Real Life Experience 10.1 Dating and Marrying in the Neighbourhood

My paternal grandfather dated and married from the next village. His marriage
was very strong and full of sweetness. Similarly my maternal grandfather
dated and married from a nearby village. His marriage was also very
exemplary up to the time the two were separated by death. My father also
dated and married in the same village.

Therefore my father and mothers families knew each other very well. These
three examples of dating and marriage contributed immensely to my positive
outlook on marriage. In all the above examples, each of my grandfathers only
married once and never married second or third wives. They had stable and
happy marriages for all their lives. In the same way, my father had one wife
(my mum) up to the day he left the world.


This does not in any way suggest that my fore parents didnt have the
slightest challenges in marriage. But their marital successes were caused by
courtship, and eventually marriage within their surroundings.

In those olden days, you were not allowed to go to a faraway place and marry
there, because parents were afraid of unpleasant surprises. For example, if
you didnt know a person well, it was easy to marry from a family of witches,
robbers, lazy people, ungodly folks or people of strange customs.

On the contrary, nowadays people date and marry anyone from anywhere. I
think this is one of the major causes of relationship fights, break-ups and
divorce. Many singles make dangerous gambles or experiments on their lives,
which were easily avoidable in the olden days, when you had to date or marry
from a known family.

Real Life Experience 10.2 In my case

In my case, I didnt date and marry from my village. Rather I dated and
married Phillis from a far away village and province, though in the same
country. At first my parents were displeased with my decision to marry from a
family they didnt know. More so that Phillis village is from a different part of
the country, whose culture my parents were not too sure of.

However, during courtship period, Phillis met my family several times. I also
interacted with her family many times before marriage. Furthermore, Phillis
and I shared many things in common. Our biggest similarity was the spiritual
aspect. Both Phillis and I were, and are still great lovers of God. We were, and
are still going to the same church. She was a Pastor and I was an Evangelist.
She likes being open and transparent, and so do I. No wonder both our
families eventually gathered in support of our marriage and wedding
celebrations. They have never regretted once for supporting us.


Guess what! Up to this day, our parents are proud of my wife and I.

Even though we came from different parts of the country, Phillis and I had a
lot in common. We will never regret our decision, with Gods help to marry. So
I suggest that if you are from different places, but you are in serious love;
make sure there are some clear similarities that tie the two of you; lest you
have a nightmare of a marriage in future.

True Life Story 10.3 Theresa Marries a Lion in Sheep Skin

Theresa grew up in the white garment apostolic sect of religion. She was a
well-behaved girl that loved God and honoured parents. When she turned
twenty five years, she got worried that all her friends were already married;
but there she was just walking alone without a partner. Make matters worse,
no man had ever said to her Hi, I love you. She asked herself, Is it that I am
not beautiful enough? Is it that my manners are lacking? Elders say that
religious girls should not relate with or marry an unbelieving guy; but why is it
that boys at church dont see me? Will I ever get married? Would a non-
believer be a wrong choice for me?

Unfortunately, Theresa could not find quick answers to the questions she
asked herself daily. One day she met this new guy in church, Zacks. Zacks
had just come from a faraway place and was a prophet. Many people liked
him for his gift of prophecy. He seemed to know many things about peoples
past, present and future.

Within two weeks, Theresa had fallen head-over-heels in love with Zacks.
What she didnt know was that Zacks had been a full-time drunk, smoker, and
womaniser until the time he decided to join the apostolic sect two weeks
before visiting Theresas village. Zacks mission was simply to marry a nice,
God-fearing lady who could take care of his family. He was not up to
worshipping God at all. He was a lion-in-sheep-skin.


Zacks was aware that in the apostolic sect there was no dowry to be paid
when marrying. Men were expected to buy lots of sugar, tea, bread and
butter. Relatives would then gather, eat and celebrate; then the son-in-law
would walk away with his wife. Because Zacks didnt have money to marry, he
thought, If I become a fake prophet and join the apostolic sect church; I will
marry for free. So he did and took away Theresa to his village far away.

To her utter most disgust, when they got to Zacks home place, within two
months, Theresas new husband told her in no uncertain terms, No more
prayers in my home. Understand! I am tired of this God, God thing! If I hear
you praying, you are in for it! As a matter of fact, from this day forward, you
will no longer go to church. I want you to help me brew some beer to appease
my ancestors.

This was the worst story in Theresas life. She thought to herself, I am in
trouble now because I married a strange man, from a place I didnt know. But
I thought Zacks was a prophet! I wrongly assumed he was a true man of God!
I just agreed to marry him without doing a background-check. Hey! I am
finished! What do I do now; I am pregnant with this idiots child. Hey! Is this
marriage or a joke?

Unfortunately, it was too late for her. She decided to pray in silence, and obey
her husband. Zacks started drinking beer like never before; many times he
slept out, and came back home after two days. He never supported the family
financially, and so, Theresa had to do lots of menial jobs to clothe and feed
the children. The last time I saw her, she was pregnant with the seventh child.
Very true and sad story!

If you dont want trouble in future; never assume anything. Make sure you
understand what you are putting yourself into.

In some backgrounds, women are not permitted to go to work; only men go to
work. Now, if you are a career minded lady, this may be a tall order. Dont

assume that your man will change. Talk about it before going far, and
remember that he can just say to you, Dont worry honey, I will change. But
in reality, many people rarely change. Get ready to adjust in case s/he doesnt
change.

Similarly, in some places, a man marries and sends his wife to the
countryside (rural area) to till the fields, and take care of his aging parents.
Dont take this for granted either. Will you manage it? If you cant manage,
dont go far with that kind of relationship.

Success Tips

The searching-out and thorough investigation of truth ought to be the primary
study of man. ~ Cicero

The problem with most singles is that as soon as they get into a relationship,
they are already thinking and exploring kissing and sex. Wrong foundation!
Take time to know each other (in open places), where the unexpected doesnt
happen. In case you go to a private place, have a third person, for your
security. Make sure you understand each others backgrounds, and you are
willing to adjust where possible.

Consider the following scenario:

Real Life Experience 10.4: I Love White Guys

I Love White Guys
I am a mature lady and I want to be married to a white guy. Im much more
attracted to them than men of my own race. Can you help me? Elizabeth


Auntie Georgina Answers
Inter-racial relationships are becoming quite common world-wide. We all have
our opinions and personal tastes when it comes to marriage and dating. Its
important that you dont allow race to stand in the way of your happiness.

A word of advice, sister be prepared to face social pressure because some
people are not open to change. This is a choice you need to make; look at
what matters most to you, and dont focus on other peoples expectations.
Good luck with your search.

The scenario in Real Life Experience 10.4 is very common nowadays. People
want short cuts to finding life partners; so they try to get partners by remote
means such as radio, newspapers, and internet. To a lesser extent it has
helped some people. But for the majority, it has brought untold frustrations. So
be warned to do enough research; this is your life!

Effective Dating

I think the best way of dating is observing your targeted partner without him or
her knowing what is happening; because the moment you tell someone that
you love them, they start compromising their true character to please you.
They can temporarily change their manners or dressing to suit you; then when
you finally marry them, they show you their true colour. You might get the
shock of your life, after you finally say, I do. I do.

The story below is a good example of successful dating:

True Life Story 10.5 Joel and Charitys Successful Dating
Joel dated his girl Charity without her knowing. She revealed her true
character without knowing Joel was watching and following her. Their
backgrounds were the same, she had a college diploma and Joel had a

diploma. Charity came from a not-so-rich family, and so did Joel. She had
lived most of her life in the country-side, and so did Joel.
Charity is a very kind and loving person, non-selective when helping the
despised people in society, and so does Joel. Charity is dark in complexion,
and so is Joel (so no one of them will one day say, You are so dark). Both of
them are strong Christians with a heart for sincere service, and they served
and still serve in the same denomination, and same assembly.

All these similarities, I believe have helped Charity and Joel to work on few
differences. As a result, they are enjoying a great marriage. I have a story
similar to that of Charity and Joel, and I believe that you are next to give an
even better testimony than ours!

Think Point 10.6 Our Own Dating

If you are a strong Christian, it is best to relate with, and marry someone from
your faith, preferably from the same assembly. Endeavour to relate with
someone who prays and is as spiritually strong as you are. For instance,
when I proposed love to Phillis, I always talked about Jesus and witnessing.
Even when I married her, I would spend two to four hours per day praying.
Imagine how hurtful it could have been if Phillis didnt believe in what I
believed; or if she was not used to someone who is always overexcited about
God! When you are from same background, the whole process from dating to
marriage will be simple, because you agree in many aspects of life.

As depicted in Think Point 10.6 above, if you are a strong Christian and you
relate with and finally marry a lukewarm person; your faith will be quenched
by your partners different beliefs and attitudes. Consequently, if you believe
in worshipping ancestors or you are an atheist, I advise you to get someone
like you.

I can imagine the trouble many people have in relationships because of their
partners different beliefs and habits. For instance, your partner is always
attending church events, and you want her home to drink beer with you. Or
you stay at home, but your partner goes to the night club every day, and
comes home midnight! Such chaos can be avoided before you even get into
the relationship.

Have you seen the family and parents of your partner? Do you fit into the
system? Do they really accept you? Actually, most churches will not wed you
if your parents or in-laws dont accept the marriage proposal.

Expert Advice 10.7 We Were Simply Good Friends.
Here is what Tom Brown says:
Satan tried to get me involved in wrong relationships with different girls. Oh,
they were so pretty! But they werent born-again, Spirit-filled girls. I knew God
had called me into the ministry, so I realized my choice for a wife was critical.
None of the girls I liked were interested in being a preachers wife.
Satan almost got me on several occasions. One girl, who was drunk at the
time, said to me, "Tom, with you being religious and all that, and me
being such a sinner, we would make a good couple." Yea, sure?
When I met Sonia (the lady Tom finally married) at church, I asked her to play
tennis with me. We saw each other every week at a nursing home that we
ministered at church together. We went out a couple of times. In all those
months, we never saw each other as idols. We were simply good friends
(Tom Brown, from the article We were simply good friends).

Imagine what could have happened to Tom if he had chosen the wrong
partner! What could have happened to him if he had chosen to marry one of

the drunken ladies who proposed love to him! But Tom chose to marry Sonia
from Church to avoid unnecessary clashes in future. Life is real; so I advise
you to take care in choosing the right person.
Crucial Indicators
Any man that hurts and abuses any women, including his mother, sisters,
class mates or work mates, ex girl friend or ex wife; will most likely not make a
good partner, husband or father. If he doesnt show mercy and kindness to
other women; it is most likely that he will not show mercy or consideration to
you. An abusive person is most likely abusive in many ways. Dont fall into his
trap. He may smile today, but one day you will see the opposite. So before
you commit your life to a man, get a chance to listen and see how he treats
women in different circumstances.
Similarly a woman that disrespects her father, brothers, male work mates etc;
will most likely not honour her partner. If she doesnt care about her own
relatives, chances are, she may not care for you. Open your eyes and see
where you are going; and what you are putting yourself into.
Summary
A person from your background spiritually, culturally, mentally, regionally, and
possibly financially, makes a good match; of course subject to other
considerations. The choice is yours.
Mistake Ten: Falling In Love with a Person from a Completely Different
Background
10.1 Do you know the background of your partner to be?
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________
10.2 Write a list of the qualities you want your future partner to
possess

______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

Action distinguishes winners from mere talkers. Act now, or regret tomorrow.
~ Wilbert R. Mutoko


MISTAKE ELEVEN: LACK OF PREPARATION

But dont begin until you count the cost.
For who would begin construction of a building without first getting estimates
And then checking to see if there is enough money to pay the bills?
Otherwise, you might complete only the foundation before running out of
funds.
And then how everyone would laugh at you!
They would say, There is the person who started that building and ran out of
money before it was finished!
~ Jesus Christ (Luke 14:28-30) [NLT]

The single years of a mans development is designed of God to be a season
of laying a solid foundation for a great life of exploits. A foundation that will
equip you for a life that makes a notable difference to your world.
~ Faith A. Oyedepo

Have you ever been on a long journey, but you didnt have time to prepare for
it? What is the likely result? You might forget your travel documents, you
board the wrong mode of transport, or you fail to reach destination on time.
How many years does it take for a doctor to finish medical studies? From
primary school to completion of medical degree, its about 20 years. How
about an engineer? S/he takes approximately 17 years.

People take years preparing for their desired careers. But very few take time
to prepare for relationships and marriage. Some take months preparing for
wedding celebrations, yet they dont prepare for marriage itself, which is more
important.

Schools rarely teach about life-long relationships and marriage. Schools
concentrate on teaching young people about sex, HIV prevention and puberty,

but they dont teach developing meaningful long-term relationships. Homes
also rarely train children about relationships and marriage. So if you dont
read a minimum five books before a relationship and marriage; how do you
expect success?

Is it any wonder that relationships and marriages fail daily? Lack of
preparation is the worst enemy of relationships and marriage.

Success Tips

If anything is crucial to you; you make effort to prepare for it.
~ Wilbert R. Mutoko

Anything you do without thorough preparation is bound to fail.

Most singles get into relationship with little or no preparation. No serious
person drives a car without first going to get a licence. Before you get a
drivers licence, you learn how to drive and control a vehicle, road signs, how
to observe mirrors etc. If you drive without a licence you endanger your
vehicle, your life, lives of passengers and lives of other road users. Imagine
how dangerous you are when you enter into a relationship (and/or marriage)
without mental preparation. Wont you be a danger to hearts of people around
you, to children and your partner?

It is sad that a medical doctor spends 20 years in school learning a career
which he can stop anytime if he feels so; yet people date, court and marry
without reading a single book, or attending a seminar on courtship and
marriage. Unbelievable, bearing in mind that marriage is forever!


Find Out About Ex

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener ~ Wiseman

Many people just go into relationships and marriage without serious
considerations. They just say love is blind, but they wake up in abusive
relationships and marriages. It is crucial to do all due diligence before going
far.

Relating with or marrying a divorcee without consulting the divorcees ex is
risky. It is necessary to establish why they divorced in the first place. You find
a wise way to get the information from the ex himself/herself. Some people
hide the fact that they are still seeing their ex; and sometimes they are not
even divorced. Find out more. Some men or women lie that they are not
married, and they have no children; yet they are actually married. As a young
innocent lady or man, you can fall into this trap, if you are not vigilant.

Find Out More about Your Partner

Having peace in your spirit alone is not enough. You need to make an
enquiry about your fiance-to-be. Never enter a relationship with someone
who doesnt have a relative where you can enquire. ~ Bishop David Abioye

How does someone get married to a man who has a wife, without knowing it?
Negligence and lack of prior preparation are the major causes. Why not take
time to research about your partner before going far? Why not visit his/her
family and see the relatives? If your fiance says, I have no relatives. I am
the only one remaining in my family. Be more cautious; take time to know this
folk, because many times that guy is not telling the truth. S/he is probably
hiding some bad history.

You can ask the Biblical Jacob, he will tell you. He paid dowry with hard
labour for 7 years intending to get Rachel. But because he didnt do enough
prior research about the culture of his fiance-to-be; by end of 7 years, he
was given Leah Rachels sister. So he had to work another 7 years, to make
it 14 years total of hard labour, before he got Rachel his sweet-heart. He
was therefore forced by conditions to marry two wives, yet he wanted one. It
can happen to anyone that is not careful to research. Watch out!

What do you think about love at first sight? Some singles meet on a bus and
they fall in love; no wonder they fall and fail in marriage! There are a few
people who fell in love at first sight and enjoy courtship as well as marriage,
but majority of times, its a disaster. You need to have time to know your
partner, otherwise you find out shockers too late when you are already
married.

True Life Story 11.1 Prayer Delivers Lena from a Liars Plot

Lena was in serious love with Petro, who claimed he was a virgin brother. As
they were arranging for marriage while still in courtship; one day while Lena
was praying, God showed her in a vision that Petro had a wife and a son.
After the vision, she confronted him, but he laughed it off. Lena became more
determined to pray more. Days later, God said to Lena, I have somebody
better for you. She wondered why God was saying He had a better partner
for her. She looked around in the church and all circles, and could not see
another guy suitable to marry.

After a month she decided to follow Gods warning and she quit the
relationship with Petro. Two months later, it became evident that Petro indeed
had a wife and a child. Imagine the trouble Lena could be facing today had
she married Petro, the liar? Today Lena is married to a loving husband and
they are blessed with three lovely kids. Dont think Petro is the only liar in the
world; there are many liars and pretenders out there! Do your due diligences,

preferably during dating and courtship, before you sign wedding banners, or
before you even give that guy your body.

If you are careless and you submit yourself to a guy, without research; by the
time the guy tells you about his wife, you will be pregnant or used. In the
same manner, some men or women promise to marry you claiming, I no
longer love my spouse! You are better and I want to marry you. Actually I plan
to divorce him/her and marry you. We shall be happy ever after! Its a big lie
from the pit of hell! Such people never divorce their spouses. They plan to
use and dump you. Even if they marry you, remember you have done evil by
causing someone to lose their spouse to you. Life has a way of letting the
same happen to you a hundred fold; for you reap what you sow! You should
not be angry when somebody else will snatch that your spouse from you
years later, because thats how you got married, any way by stealing
another persons spouse! Now it will be your turn to feel the pinch!

True Life Story 11.2 Successful Dating

Joina dated his girl, Fiona, well before he proposed her. They were in the
same fellowship at church and he even visited her house to watch her closely.
Each time he visited he would go with one or two other people so she
wouldnt know that Joina was spying on her. He also investigated her close
friend so he would know more.

Interesting enough Fiona was also wise. Before he married her, she kept on
asking, Are you sure you have no wife and children? She then decided to
visit Joinas home village to see his mum and siblings. She also had a chance
to talk (and investigate) little children in Joinas village about him. Today she
is grateful because their blissful marriage is a fruit of successful dating,
courtship and prior research.


Anyone that refuses to show you their parents or refuses to be shown to your
parents and pastors is questionable. What is s/he hiding? Investigate further.
This is your life, and you have one life!

For the same reason, to avoid future surprises, never take a step to marry
someone before you see them at a party (or happy moment), and a crisis.
Where possible, visit your fiances place and mingle with his/her relatives
before saying, I do. It will help you, because as you get there you might be
greeted by your fiances kids who he never told you about. And one elderly
person will say, I hope he informed you that he has a child. Then you will be
free after knowing the truth. You can then run for your dear life! Or you
consciously marry him/her!

When is the Best Time to Prepare for Marriage?

The excerpts below explain it best:
I think one of the reasons the divorce rate is so high is because many people
spend more time preparing for their wedding (an event that lasts a few hours)
than for their marriage (a covenant that is designed to last a lifetime).
Marriage Preparation Should Begin Now.
Determine why you want to be married; what the Bible says about marriage,
what is your role in marriage, etc. Find joyfully married Christian couples and
spend time with them to learn what it takes to build a solid foundation for a
strong Christian marriage.
Praying to be married without preparing for marriage is like praying for rain
without grabbing an umbrella. (Lisa Powell, from article What to Do
during Your Season of Singleness)
Dating, courtship and marriage are rare subjects which are not practically
taught in school or in the home. Please for success in relationships and
marriage, take time and read at least five books about courtship and marriage

before starting. It is common sense advice. Otherwise you will have destiny
crash. Whether you have broken from a relationship before, or you are to
enter a relationship for the first time, you need self-development on
relationships.

Why not interview happily married couples; attend courtship and marriage
seminars, and study relevant books. Mind you to attend marriage seminars
should be for people that are in courtship and ready for marriage, not for
young children. Who you become determines your life-long success in
relationships. Never take this for granted. As a matter of fact, all successful
people read. Every reader is a potential leader.

To echo the wise words of Susan Jeffers:

Commitment does not mean that it has to last forever,
But while you are there, commit yourself 100%.
By doing this, the quality of your life improves 100%.

Reflect on this saying as well:

If we do not plant knowledge when young, it will give us no shade when we
are old.
~ Lord Chesterfield

Summary

Lack of preparation means preparation to fail. If you are serious with your
future, you will prepare thoroughly. Remember courtship leads to marriage,
and marriage is forever. Never take chances. You should do all that you can
to ensure a successful future.

Mistake Eleven: LACK OF PREPARATION

11.1 How much have you prepared for your relationships?
________________________________________________________
______________

11.2 How many books or articles have your read on
relationships/marriage?_____________________________________
________________________________________________________
____________________________

11.3 How many audios have you listened to so far?
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________

Or what king would ever dream of going to war without first sitting down with
his counsellors and discussing whether his army of ten thousand is strong
enough to defeat the twenty thousand soldiers who are marching against
him? If he is not able, then while the enemy is still far away, he will send a
delegation to discuss terms of peace.
~ Jesus Christ (Luke 14: 31-33 NLT)

Opportunity only favours the prepared ~ Mensa Otabil


MISTAKE TWELVE: DESPERATION

Desperation

Desperation is the mother of frustration
It gives birth to untold struggles
Desperation goes ahead of grave mistakes
That you regret for life

To have a happy future
Make sure you decide with the mind
And not with emotions
For emotions land you in fire

By the time your mind wakes up
Emotions will have disappeared
So take time to heal from broken relationships
And use your mind steadily

A bit of hurry, plus a bit of mistake equals much delay and frustration
~ Wilbert R. Mutoko

Most singles do not learn from their mistakes. They do not give themselves
time to locate the right man or woman. They dont allow themselves time to
recover from bad relationships, widowhood or in worst case scenarios
divorce. They get into a new relationship or marriage to show off to friends
and relatives, or to revenge their ex.

Too many singles rush into another relationship looking for comfort.
Unfortunately, this is disastrous because, if your heart is still bleeding from

previous relations; the next relationship is likely to fail. Why? You will assume
that your current partner is similar to your ex; you treat him/her with suspicion
and soon your mate will advise you: Please go and sort yourself with your ex
first, then you come back to me.

If you find new love too soon without reading new books on relationships or
checking with your mentor; and giving yourself time to heal, you are likely to
enter into the same cycle of frustration.

Success Tips

Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow-ripening fruit.
~ Aristotle

Anything you do in a hurry results in mistakes. Have you ever left a pot
boiling, or you forgot your packed lunch at home, because you were in hurry?
Have you ever made a serious mistake because you were in hurry? If you
have never been in a relationship, or you are out of a failed relationship; my
advice is - you should take your time to locate Mr. or Mrs. Right. Patience is a
precious virtue that is cherished forever.

It's so lonely when you don't even know yourself. ~ Anonymous

The following true life story from Reuters illustrates the idea best (Names of
people and places have been changed for protection):


True Life Story 12.1 Complicated Relationships

Singer Jay has filed for divorce from actress Helen, ending their seven-year
marriage. Jay filed the petition to the Lobatse High Court, citing irreconcilable
differences. The couple married seven years ago, months after Helens
engagement to another guy, and days after Jays divorce from another lady
was finalized. Currently Helen has already rebounded from the split, and is
dating a guy half her age by name Andrew.

If you look closely at the story above, you will see that the parties involved
didnt give themselves time to heal, learn why they failed, and self-develop,
before getting into new relationships. For example, Jay married Helen days
after his divorce from another lady. Also, Helen has already rebounded from
the split, and is dating a guy half her age by name Andrew. What a tragedy
Jay? You divorce, and days after, you get into another marriage? Seven years
later you divorce again! What happens to children, to your heart, to loved
ones, to wealth, and to life plans?
What about Helen? Are you still yourself? You were in an engagement,
dropped it, after months you got married, now you just divorced after seven
years; and while the divorce is fresh, you are already dating another man! Half
your age!
Where is this world going to? Where is the place for decency and stable
homes?
Learn From Your Mistakes
They say Once beaten, twice shy. And there is an African proverb: The one,
who comforts you, is sharing from personal experience. If you have been
involved in a relationship that failed, it is crucial for you to learn from errors, so
you comfort others; rather than you falling into the same traps repeatedly.

Acquire new knowledge so that next time you enter a relationship, you wont
repeat what you erred at first.
In Shona they say, If you divorce a wife for witchcraft or adultery; next time
you marry, you may marry a worse person. Sounds true? What could be the
reason? I think its because singles do not acquire new skills and information
after a break-up, divorce or death of spouse; so they still find themselves
attracting people of their calibre. When you acquire new knowledge and skills,
you become a different and better person, and you attract better candidates.

Expert Advice 12.2 Confused

Confused
Im 22 and have a three-year old daughter. Im HIV-positive and broke up with
the father of my child seven months ago. I met a 30-year-old guy three
months later, and we have a long-distance relationship.

Hes still with the mother of his young child. He told me about his three kids,
but now Im hearing that hes got two more. Why would he hide this?

I recently met someone else. Hes 25 and a loving, caring man; I am falling
more in love with him every day. I need help and advice. Clara.

Auntie Patience Answers
To be in a relationship is not childs play. The confusion you are experiencing
could be caused by uncertainty and doubts you have with your partners. If you
are seeing two people at the same time, it means you are unsure about
yourself.

Staying away from relationships for a while until you figure out what you need,
can be of help, when deciding whom you would like to be with. Your HIV-
status should not prevent you from having a meaningful and healthy
relationship, provided you know your self-worth.

If you are just coming out of a broken relationship, divorce or losing a spouse;
take time to heal. If it was a long relationship, you probably need more months
or years to be by yourself and heal. Take your time and develop your career,
academics or business. Keep yourself busy and take a break from love-life.
You will be grateful for it.

True Life Story 12.3 It Happened To Peter
Before Peter met his beautiful wife Phil, he had proposed to marry a certain
sister in the church. She agreed that she loved him. But before six months
she stopped responding to his mails; only to hear that she had been married
to another guy. Call it heart-ache or shocking pain? YES. Peter didnt know
what to do. But God had a far better replacement for her, in the form of Phil.
Peter is so grateful that Anna went away, and he got to marry Phil, the woman
of his heart. But it took patience, time to heal, counselling and prayers.
Interesting enough Peter remembers telling that first fiance (Anna) whom he
intended to marry, I love you. But I didnt hear from the Lord. Its just me who
loves you. Interestingly, several months after the broken relationship, while
he was praying, God showed him a vision on which he was wedding with Phil.
Thats why the biblical Paul said, All things work for good to them that love
the Lord according to His calling ...
What has happened to you? Did someone ditch you? Did someone cheat
you? Are all your age-mates in courtship or they got married, except you? I
know when these things happen, you think life has ended. NO. Life has
someone better for you. Take heart, and take your time. Remain honest and
keep yourself busy with good works.
Summary
Take your time to locate the right partner. Dont rush into a relationship out of
desperation. Avoid seeing that all your friends are getting partners, and you

just throw your self into some guys hands. You may regret for life. In the
same manner, take your time to heal in case of a failed relationship, before
getting into a fresh one.
Mistake Twelve: DESPERATION
12.1 What is motivating you into a new relationship?
___________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________

Desperation is a recipe for disaster. Never let anyone take advantage of you
in times of deep need. ~ Wilbert R. Mutoko


MISTAKE THIRTEEN: UNWILLING TO CHANGE

CHANGE IS MY NAME

Change is my name
Accept me and you succeed
Resist me and you break
Support me, I support you
Refuse me, I refuse you

Change is my name
Go with me, I go with you
Leave me and I leave you behind
If winter comes and you refuse to adapt
Cold will paralyze and punish you

Change is my name
If summer comes and you refuse to change
Heat will scotch and manhandle you
When I bring different seasons
Follow suit and enjoy life

There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or
accept the responsibility for changing them. Denis Waitley

When it comes to relationships, the biggest complication is that every
individual is unique. So you need to treat them as individuals. You need to be
flexible and adaptable, so that you treat every person you meet in a suitable
way. Same applies to would-be partners and partners. The reason why

people are frustrated in relationships is that they try to force people to become
like themselves. Or they get into a new relationship and they treat the new
partner the same way as their ex, or like their siblings.

Success Tips

Its not that some people have willpower and some dont. Its that some
people are ready to change and others are not. ~ James Gordon. M.D.

Change is inevitable. If winter comes and you say, I am not going to change
my dressing and bedding! I wont put on warm clothes! Who will suffer you or
winter? Obviously you will suffer! No matter how you hate winter, can you stop
it from coming? NO! Every year you can be certain that winter will come. You
therefore must always be ready to change.

People are different, and must be treated as such. Failure to do so will
frustrate you.

A humble spirit or being teachable will help you accept corrections from other
people. Such corrections can be hard because you are already used to your
way of doing things. But, believe me; it is worth the sacrifice for success in
relationships.

For changes to be of any true value, they have got to be lasting and
consistent. ~ Anthony Robbins

If you are not willing to change life, if you are not willing to compromise, dont
go into a relationship. Your partner is unique. You can not compare him/her
with any other person. You should be willing to allow him/her to change, and

at the same time you should be willing to change yourself to suit your
partners requests.

True Life Story 13.1 I Chose to Change My Habits

There are some small foxes that dont look harmful. But they can cause
discord. When I located my life partner, I had a number of habits that drove
her crazy. Phillis also had some habits that bothered me. But in this story I
choose to focus on my habits that were not good for her. Interesting enough,
when Phillis complained of my bad habits, I wondered what was wrong with
her. Thank God that both of us were willing to change, and we had a
successful courtship that led to a heaven-on-earth marriage.

One of the bad habits was that I walked too fast. It really used to excite me
when I outpaced everyone on walking. My partner, by then, hated the fast
walk. Did I change immediately? No! I didnt understand what was wrong with
Phillis head. But finally when I decided to scrutinize myself, I put myself in her
shoes, and I decided to change.

Having an accounting background, the second bad habit was stinginess, or
over control of monetary expenditure. My partner was the type that never
asked for money or goodies from me. However, once in a while as we met, in
the presence of a third person, I saw it fit to buy drinks and food. Instead of
chips and juice, which were Phillis favourite, I decided to always buy buns
and coke or other cheap drink. Guess what? My partner was so worried! What
would happen in marriage with such a stingy man? It took a very long time to
change. But because I loved Phillis, I had to adjust my expenditure habits.

What are the habits that worry your loved ones?

Summary

Any serious single should have willingness to change certain habits and
mannerisms. Failure to do so, results in failure to get Mr. /Mrs. Right. Or it

results in repeated failed relationships. Success in making changes to life,
results in success in dating and courtship, which lead to blissful marriage.
Remember, even God will not force you to change; he gives you the choice to
either change or stay where you are. The choice to change is yours.

Mistake Thirteen: Unwilling To Change

13.1 List down uncomfortable habits that your friends, relatives, teachers or
fiance complain about
you___________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

13.2 List down the suggested solution for each of the above bad habits

______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through
continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our
freedom. A man cant ride you unless your back is bent.
~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time.
We are the ones we have been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.
~ Barack Obama


MISTAKE FOURTEEN: CHOOSING SOMEONE BECAUSE OF OUTWARD
APPEARANCE ONLY

Smiling
By Anonymous

Don't go for looks; they can deceive.
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile
It takes only a smile to make a dark day bright.
Find the one that makes your heart smile.

What you see is not always the same as what you get. ~ Tswana Proverb

Everybody loves a beautiful or handsome partner, and there is nothing wrong
with that. Problem is some singles desire a partner simply because of outward
appearance, which is very dangerous looks can be deceiving. For instance,
is there harm in wanting to relate or marry someone because s/he is light in
complexion? The question is will you still love the person if their skin suffers a
pimple or skin disease in future and they become dark? If yes, it is ok. But if
no, think twice. Complexion or race should not be your principal reason for
marrying someone.

Success Tips

Looks can be deceiving ~ Wise Person


True Life Story 14.1 She Refused Marrying a Millionaire

When Joseph proposed to marry Nellie, many influential people were
disappointed. They told her, Why get into a relationship and marry a teacher?
Teachers have no money! Why dont you wait and we organize a millionaire
partner for you. Nellie answered them calmly, I love Joseph for who he is,
not for what he has; please dont bother about your millionaire guys.

Guess what, Nellie will be forever grateful for her decision to marry the
teacher; because now Joseph is no longer a classroom teacher; but a Global
Business Person and University Lecturer. No need to mention, Nellie and
Joseph are proud of how God brought them together.

Summary

Looks can be deceiving, whether its handsome, beauty, or wealth. Be careful,
because you may trap yourself with a dangerous partner for life. Take time to
check the person you commit your life to. Your life is very important, and you
live life once; so never gamble with your life. Long term relationships,
particularly marriage, are better set on a strong foundation thorough
research and establishment.

Mistake Fourteen:Choosing Someone Because Of Outward Appearance
Only

14.1 Are you sure you love that folk, or you just like their beauty,
wealth, profession or house?
________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________

The roots of true achievement lie in the will to become the best that you can
become. ~ Harold Taylor

MISTAKE FIFTEEN: FAILING TO FORGIVE

If you forgive those who sin against you,
Your heavenly Father will forgive you.
But if you refuse to forgive others,
Your Father will not forgive your sins.
~ Jesus Christ (NLT)

Failing to forgive is like a cancer. It consumes your heart out like sulphuric
acid melting precious metal. ~ Wilbert R. Mutoko

Failing to forgive will breed bitterness, hatred and murder. If you carry people
in your heart that you havent forgiven, you run the risk of a heart break-down.
Failure to forgive leads you into trouble. An unforgiving heart is like a jail; you
need to release those people, and let them go! If you fail to forgive yourself,
your ex, or your partner; it reduces your chances of success in both current
and future relations.

True Life Story 15.1: Joel Forgiven but He Fails To Forgive

A story is told of a young man, Joel, who owed his boss $2 000, and was to
be reported to debt collectors. He begged his boss for mercy and forgiveness.
Fortunate enough, Joels boss forgave him his debt. However, soon after the
forgiveness, Joel went to demand $20 owed by his co-worker, Martha. He told
Martha, Pay my $20 or you go to debt collectors! Martha knelt before Joel to
beg him for mercy, but Joel could not listen. Immediately, he took Martha to
the debt collectors.

When the rest of the workers heard what had transpired; they reported it to
the boss, who immediately called Joel. I forgave you a bigger debt, of $2 000;

why were you not ashamed to go and torment your fellow worker for only
$20? Now I reinstate your debt of $2 000! If you fail to pay in 30 minutes, debt
collectors are coming to take you!

Success Tips

Dont hold on to a grudge too long, the weight becomes impossible to carry.
~ Zulu Proverb

Count Your Blessings
Author Unknown
I remember times when things went wrong,
My faith wore somewhat thin.
But all at once the dark clouds broke,
And the sun peeped through again.

If you know you need forgiveness, then you must forgive those who sin
against you. God has forgiven you more than you ever deserved; is it too hard
to forgive your partner, your ex, or your parents? The past is gone, so dont
live in the past. Start by forgiving yourself for past mistakes. Then forgive
others for their wrongs against you. Just try it today, once you forgive, you will
breath fresh air; and you will feel more loved and loving. Even your health will
spring up like good weather.

Summary

Forgiveness is one way of cleansing your soul and spirit; and clearing your
pathway to fulfilment in life. With forgiveness, you can be assured of hassle-
free relationships.

Mistake Fifteen: Failing to Forgive

15.1 Write down how many people you have locked in the jail of your heart?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
________________________

15.2 Write a list of people who you have wronged in the past, who are
offended in you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________

15.3 How many times have you wronged God?
____________________________________________________________
15.4 How many times has God forgiven you?
____________________________________________________________

15.5 What steps can you take to forgive the people who hurt you, one by one?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________

If a man says, I love God and hate his brother, he is a liar:
For he that loves not his brother whom he has seen,
How can he love God whom he has not seen?
~ Apostle John


MISTAKE SIXTEEN: GIVING UP

IT WILL COME
by Nathan Watson

When life's largest pressures leave you struck dumb,
Just search for an answer; the solution will come.

When a tragedy occurs leaving you feeling numb,
Just wait for your health; the strength will come.

Adversity causes some men (and women) to break; but it causes others to
break records.
~ William Arthur Ward

When you get into the habit of giving up, it affects you in everything you do
in school, career, business, ministry, thinking, holiness, spirituality, and
relationships. People, who easily quit, will never win in life. Thats why
Thomas Paine said, I love the man that can smile in trouble, which can
gather strength from distress, and grow brave reflections.

Many singles give up just before the right guy comes; or they quit every
relationship too early. This is dangerous because you may live in bitterness
thinking no one loves you, or you end up throwing yourself at the wrong
person. You should not consider quitting a relationship, each time any little
misunderstanding happens. Such attitude fails you time and again; as a
matter of fact, there is no relationship without challenges. And you have to
learn to deal with situations and grow. As the Shona proverb says: Dont
break your water jar, probably you are near home.


Success Tips

Dont wish it were easier, wish you were better. ~ Jim Rohn

All good things are hard to come by, and they take time. The same applies to
relationships, good partners are rare to find. I cant agree more with this
quote: The ripest peach is always highest on the tree ~ Unknown. With
fruits, the low hanging ones on the tree finish first, because they are easy to
pluck. But fruits at the top remain because they are difficult to access. If you
are finding it hard to get a partner, but you know you have kept yourself pure;
thing is, you are that rare fruit hanging on top of the tree. People are not
patient to bring you down (propose marriage) because it is hard work, and it is
time-consuming for them.

In case you are worried why you are beautiful or handsome, well-mannered
etc, but nobody loves you for marriage; I liken you to a precious jewel.
Consider gold or diamonds for example. You have to do great work to dig it
out of the ground. If you are not patient to invest time, equipment and money
to dig deep underground; you never get gold. Contrarily, it is easy to get coal
near the surface of the earth. That explains why the value of gold is much
higher than coal. You are gold, dont worry why coal (other folks), is dug faster
than you. Coal is dug easily, but is of lower value than gold.

Take heart because soon, the right folk will appear to wipe away all your
tears. Your joy shall surely exceed your tears, when finally Mr/s Right
manifests. You will smile and wonder whether its reality; yes it will be real
because of your patience to wait.


True Life Story 16.1 Norah Refused to Give Up

Norah was very beautiful and intelligent. She had a respectable career as an
Accountant and lived an enviable life. She loved people regardless of their
background, status or level of education. She loved God with all her heart and
served as a choir member and usher in a local church. She was a regular tithe
payer and supporter of Gods work. She also took very good care of her
parents, who were very proud of her.

There was only one big problem. Her two younger sisters Nelly and Susan got
married at the age of eighteen and twenty respectively. But Norah continued
to grow older without any man saying to her, Halo. She fasted and prayed
several times about the possibility of getting into a relationship, and marriage.
But years just rolled in without any brother asking Norahs hand in marriage.

Her Pastors and leaders kept on encouraging her. Contrarily, her friends and
relatives mocked her, What kind of a person are you? No child, no fiance,
no life? Ha ha ha! Your career and spiritual success without a man is useless!
Get serious and find a man for yourself! Why dont you grab some womans
husband so you can share? Others would mock her, Where is your God?
Little girls are getting married before you; what are you waiting for? Are you
waiting to develop horns before you date a man?

Norah strengthened herself in the Lord. She read many books on building
good relationships and marriage. She wrote a list of traits that she expected
her future husband to have, and she read the list daily; and thanked God for
future husband. Additionally, she kept on going for counselling from the
Pastors wife. She ignored peoples mockery and concentrated on developing
herself mentally, spiritually, financially, socially and otherwise.

When Norah turned 39 years, her sister Nelly divorced her husband for
infidelity. Her other sister Susan was facing marital problems she and her
husband were always fighting. Many of Norahs friends who had been married

or stayed with men, started coming to her for counselling because they envied
her positive attitude even though she was not yet married. Norah became a
beam of hope for all her mockers.

On Norahs 42
nd
birthday, a visiting church brother that was hot for God
proposed love to her. In three months time, wedding bells rang. Norah proudly
became Mrs. Peters at the age of forty-two and a half years. Finally her
shame was terminated. Her parents got a surprise consolation that at least
their eldest daughter had now married. Those who had laughed at Norah
started laughing with her. Her mockers became her makers.

Patience and waiting worked wonders for Norah. As if God was compensating
for lost time in her life; ten months after the wedding, she gave birth to twins
a boy and a girl. Two years later, she gave birth to twins again a boy and a
girl. Call it joy! Yes. This could only happen by the power of waiting for the
right time and the right person.

You might be growing older and people are mocking you. Guess what! Your
partner is on the way. Dont give up! Those who are laughing at you will soon
gather around you to laugh with you! If only you persevere to your long
awaited day. Avoid desperation as your genuine may come when you have
already picked a fake fiance/spouse for yourself.

Summary

Winners never quit, and quitters never win. Decide today never to give up on
a potential relationship. If you are in a struggling relationship, but you believe
that God approves it; work on your differences until you become an equal
match. On the other hand, if no one has ever proposed love to you, be happy
because your partner is on the way. As you know, good things take more time
to be polished. Your own partner is still being prepared and polished; and by
the time s/he appears, you will be stunned. Dont give up! Many great people
became great through patience and persistence.

Mistake Sixteen: Giving Up

16.1 Do you feel like giving up?
___________________________________________
16.2 Are you in a relationship, and you feel like it will never work; but you still
love your fiance?
______________________________________________________________
16.3 Are you discouraged because no one has ever dated you, or has ever
been serious to marry you?
______________________________________________________________
16.4 Do you think you have persevered enough in this regard?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
16.5 If you were given another chance to persevere, what would you do
differently?_____________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing
them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.
~ Rabindranath Tagore

Success comes from taking the initiative and following
up...persisting...eloquently expressing the depth of your love. What simple
action could you take today to produce a new momentum towards success in
your life? ~ Anthony Robbins


CONCLUSION

Action is a great restorer and builder of confidence. Inaction is not only
the result, but the cause, of fear. Perhaps the action you take will be
successful; perhaps different action or adjustments will have to follow.
But any action is better than no action at all.
~ Norman Vincent Peale

In life we all learn from mistakes. However, it is much better to learn more
from other peoples mistakes. Singles are not exempt from human error.
However, such mistakes can either be avoided or lessened by following the
success tips in this book. Hope this guide will lead you to successful dating,
courtship and blissful marriage. All the best!

It is important for me to stress that dating and courtship are for people who
are ready for marriage. It is not for school-going children or youngsters. As
King Solomon said Love is stronger than death. Once you start love issues,
love grows like a flower; you cant stop it to blossom. Many got involved in
love at school, and they failed school and scored on love, correctly termed
lust. Only date and court someone when you know you are ready for
marriage, otherwise you put yourself in danger.

Love has driven many people crazy, and they abandoned career or school.
So please do one thing at a time. Dont copy those who date at school, they
know they dont care about their future. If you are serious with your future,
date and court when ready for marriage, because one thing leads to the other.
If you are mature enough, follow the secrets you have learnt in this book and
Welcome to the world of peace, happiness and calm relationships. Welcome
to blissful marriage arena.


The difference between whether you say, I wish I would have, or Im glad I
did, at the end of your life is whether or not you take decisive action during
your life.
~ Wise Person


GLOSSARY

Loneliness - loneliness can be defined as the unhappiness that is felt by
someone because they do not have friends or anyone to talk to. It is more a
problem in the mind than anything else.

For the purpose of this book, singles include teenagers who are dating,
youths, single mothers or single fathers, divorcees, widows and widowers.
The following terms used in the book are defined as follows:

Life partner someone you choose to live with for the rest of your life,
sharing everything, spirit, soul and body.

Mistakes its something you do without intending to or that produces a
result that you do not want. It is something or part of something which is
incorrect or not right. If you mistake something, in this case, (relationship or
spouse), you fail to recognize or understand it.

Singles unmarried, or having no fiance (boyfriend or girlfriend).
Dating someone is trying to find a fiance. It also refers to efforts to find
time with a potential love interest, in pursuit of a possible relationship. I would
suggest that you should date someone while they dont know your intentions.
For example, you get closer to the girl you want at church or at work, so you
learn her, without her suspecting. This helps because she will behave
naturally without faking a character to please you. This is supported by the
following quote: "I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it." ~
Garry Shandling
Courtship This comes after dating. You suggest love to your prospective
fiance. It is the slow art of wooing and seducing ones beloved with intention
of marriage. It is the stage that leads to marriage.


The Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary defines dating as making or having
a date with, whereas to court is to seek the affections of, especially to seek
to win a pledge of marriage. It therefore follows that courtship comes after
dating, i.e., a person in courtship is getting ready for marriage, not fun.

Marriage the relationship between husband and wife. It is the act of
marrying someone, or the ceremony at which this is done. Furthermore it can
be defined as the state of being married.

Successful something that is successful, achieves what it was intended to
achieve.

Successful Dating managing to find the right fiance that you intended to
have.

Successful courtship being able to keep a good relationship before
marriage, leading to happy marriage.

Blissful a blissful situation or period of time is one in which you are
extremely happiness.

Blissful Marriage Marriage or relationship between husband and wife, filled
with extreme happiness.


APPENDIX A: COURTSHIP QUESTIONS

I have adopted and fine-tuned the following questions from:
http://www.mydearvalentine.com/relationships/courtship/questions.html to
help you during dating/courtship.

Courtship is not about romance. It is a crucial time to discuss your future with
your prospective partner. It is a time to pop up courtship questions to your
expected spouse. It is a chance to find out if you can live happily with each
other for ever.

Decide About Your Future

The background, social status, mental condition and views of the person you
want to wed are highly important. It is these things that will make you decide
about your future with him/her. Your courtship time questions will let you know
much about your spouse-to-be. So it is very important that you know about
the questions to ask during courtship.

Courtship Queries

Here are some of the most commons questions of courtship. Below each
question I briefly explain why you should ask the question. Remember the
questions have no particular order, and you dont have to ask all of them in
one day. You dont have to ask the questions as if you are a police officer.
You have to use wisdom and ask the questions in a natural dialogue way.

Why do you love me?
Can you tell me about your upbringing?
Tell me more about your parents and relatives?
Do you have any relatives around?
How was the in which you grew up?
How was your relationship with parents and siblings?
Are you ready for marriage?

Would you like to have children kids?
How many kids do you want to have?
Are we planning to have children soon after marriage or later?
Which faith do you follow?
(In case your faith is different) Do you have a problem with my kind of
religion?
Have you ever been a victim of physical abuse as a child?
Was your father a wife beater?
Did your parents fight or use abusive language?
What is your view of people spouses who beat or physically abuse their
partners?
What do you think about members of the opposite sex?
Tell me your expectations from me.
What kind of a father/mother do you expect me to be?
What are the feelings of your parents and siblings about me?
Can you tell me about your previous relationships?
Do you mind if I have a chat with your ex about your past together?
Do you view me in the light of the earlier relationships?
Find out if your intended spouse will be able to support you financially. This is
especially to be considered if you are a woman.

Discuss your spouse's relation with members of the opposite sex.

Question whether he/she is committed to marriage or if the person is looking
for flings outside marriage.

Discuss about the number of relationships, and marriages, you had before
meeting him/her. Ask your spouse-to-be if there is a problem.

Clearly talk about whether your spouse is going to turn to his/her parents for
the solution of every disagreement you have.

Ask whether your spouse will be okay with your meeting with friends after
marriage. If possible, introduce him/her to your buddies.

Ask if your spouse expects you to change yourself to suit his/her life and
status.

Question his/her abilities to become a good father/mother to your children.
Can your spouse guide your children to become successful citizens?

If you are a single parent, clearly discuss about the status you want your child
to enjoy in home. Ask him/her if that is okay?

A clear talk about your past and future can help you avoid frictions at a later
stage of life. Hope these courtship questions will help you make the right
decision about your future with partner.


RECOMMENDED READING

The Holy Bible: King James Version or New Living Translation

Faith Oyedepo 2008 (Dominion Publishing Books): Single with a Difference

Dr. David Yonggi Cho 1979 (Bridge-Logos): The Fourth Dimension Volume
One Discovering a New World of Answered Prayer

Robert J. Wieland 1995 (Southern Publishing Association): Will Marriage
work in Todays World?


Contact Wilbert: Global Family Restoration
P.O. Box AD 7 AAF Gaborone, Botswana
Tel: 00267 71824591 or 00267 71481536 or 00267 72727376
Email: wilbertmutoko@yahoo.com or wilbertmutoko@gmail.com or
Skype and Twitter: wilbertmutoko
www.wilbertmutoko.com


ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Nick-named, Doctor Love, Wilbert R. Mutoko, is
Speaker, Pastor, Counsellor, University Lecturer, and Author of the life-
changing book: 15 Secrets for Personal Financial Success A Simple Step-
by-Step Plan for Financial Freedom. He is privileged to passionately counsel,
guide, preach, teach and write on success in relationships and marriage for
the past twenty years. Wilbert has a special calling and grace from God for
family restoration financially, spiritually, in relationships, marital and in
raising enviable children. A sought-after speaker, Wilbert and his beloved wife
Phillis Princess (Machabvunga) Mutoko kept themselves pure for 16 months
in courtship before getting married on 01 May 1999. Ever since they married,
the two love-birds continuously enjoy a heaven-on-earth marriage that is
exemplary wherever they go.

Wilbert lovingly calls Phillis - Chocolate, Honey, Sweetheart, Babe, and
my Queen. In return Phillis passionately calls Wilbert Babe, Sweetie,
Daddy, my Heart-breaker, Man of my heart, My Lord, and My King.
Their over-fifteen year-old strong union is cemented with three lovely children
Peace, Praise and Prayer. Both Wilbert and Phillis are trained counsellors and
ordained Pastors. As professional counsellors and Pastors, the couple has
helped many people, including singles and married couples for the past two
decades.

Phillis and Wilbert are so passionate about helping others to locate their right
partners; and marry into life-long years of bliss. They pray for their counselees
and church members to have better relationships than their own marriage.

Many, hundreds of youths have passed through the hands of Wilbert and
Phillis into marriage. Several couples have undergone help sessions resulting
in survival of marriages that were in danger of divorce.

Born and bred in Zimbabwe, Wilbert R. Mutoko moved with his family to
Botswana over twelve years ago. He possesses the following qualifications
among others: MBA, South Africa; Leadership Diploma, Word of Faith Bible
Institute; and Christian Leadership and Ministry Diploma, Botswana Bible
Training Institute.

Together with Phillis they are qualified counsellors, trained by Lifeline
Botswana, where they have volunteered as counsellors and trainers to other
counsellors.

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