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Paradigms Ltd

Harley M Storey

CEO, Managing Director

Paradigms Ltd
Dear Coach
Here are your free coaching tools from our eBook 101 Tools Life Coaches Use.
I hope you will find them interesting, challenging and fun!
Please dont assume that the short tools are insignificant, they are just as useful as the
more extensive tools.
To make them easy to understand and use, each tool opens with a brief introduction and
explanation in blue italics.
The Table of Contents below contains active links so you can go straight to the tool by
clicking its name.
Also dont forget about the excellent free Life Priorities Tool available at
http://www.life-coach-tools.com/free_life_coaching_tools.html
If you have any feedback, comments or suggestions, I'd love to hear them, please email me at
harley@life-coach-tools.com
Kind regards

Harley M Storey

CEO, Managing Director


Paradigms Limited
P.S You may be wondering why we said we would send you 20 tools and weve sent you 25?
Well, we like to under-promise and over-deliver!
P.P.S The 101 Tools Life Coaches Use Bonus Pack is available for a limited time from
www.life-coach-tools.com

101 Tools Life Coaches Use Bonus Pack available @

www.life-coach-tools.com
1999-2007 Paradigms Ltd

Paradigms Ltd

TABLE OF CONTENTS
20 COACHING TOOLS.......................................................................................................5
1. Your Super Self!

2. The Life Wheel 7


3. Flush Out Those False Beliefs! 9
4. Life Roles Wheel

10

5. Stop Your Spending!

11

6. Problems and Potential 12


7. Life is Garbage & Life is Wonderful!
8. Conflict Tool

13

14

9. Reveal Your Hearts Wisdom

15

10. The Porcupine Problem Solver! 16


11. Decisions Tool 17
12. Do A Stress Inventory

18

13. The Heart Language Tool

20

14. The Five Stages of the Grief Process


15. Feel the feeling tool

21

23

16. Am I a Failure checklist? 24


17. Infinite solutions tool

25

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RELATIONSHIP TOOLS...................................................................................................26
18. My Dream Partner

27

19. Reflective listening

28

20. Relationship Cycles

29

21. Score Your Dream Partner!


22. Relationship circle

31

33

23. Partner Communication Quiz: How well do you know your partner?
24. When you I feel

35

25. A quick lesson in speaking Martian!

TOOLS IN A TOOLS

34

36

LIFE COACHES USE..............................................................37

1999-2007 Paradigms Ltd


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20 COACHING TOOLS

1999-2007 Paradigms Ltd

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Your Super Self!


This is a tool I start almost every client with and helps build confidence and self-esteem going
forward.
On a blank sheet of paper list at least 20 things that make you special
list any and all personal achievements and successes at least 20
list at least 20 things that you are good at or can do well (even if its cleaning your teeth)
list your 10 most unique qualities or unique things about you
write down at least one particularly attractive physical feature (even if its a cute pinkie toe or
particularly shapely ear lobe!)
Try reading this to yourself out loud every morning for a week

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The Life Wheel


This is the first tool I do with a client and helps you get a snapshot of where you're at
Get a blank sheet of paper
Draw a large circle
Divide the circle into 8 segments like a pizza where each piece represents an area of
your life as it is now.
Label each piece - as Health, Self-space, Personal Development, etc.
This Wheel is labelled with 8 areas of life - you can use these labels or, if there is a specific area of your life
you would like to examine just substitute a category.

The general categories


Fun - Happiness, Hobbies
Relationship - current or future Life Partner
Career - Job satisfaction, Career path
Family - Children, Parents, Relatives
Social - Friends, Sport, Activities
Health - Exercise, Diet
Financial - Savings, Investments
Creative - Self-space, Spiritual, Sport, Artistic

... / continued on following page


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1.

Assign a number from 1 to 10 next to each category.


Write 1 if you are unsatisfied in this area and up to 10 if you are totally satisfied.

2.

Look at your scores.


What are the 2 lowest scores?
What are the 2 areas you would most like to move forward?

3.

Moving forward
How would you feel if you could significantly move forward in these 2 areas?
1.
2.

4.

Action
What could you do to start moving forward in these areas?
1.
2.

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Flush Out Those False Beliefs!


Before you can transform negative thoughts and feelings, you need to become aware of them, so
heres a list of beliefs that may need updating!

Step 1
When under pressure I ..
I often feel guilty about .
When . happens I stress out and feel like .
My Achilles heel (greatest weakness) is .
I am always trying to stop ... from happening.
When the unexpected happens I ..
I always try to ..
The biggest obstacle that stops me loving and approving of myself is .
What drives most of my behavior is .
I am afraid of ..
I seek my s approval (always / mostly / usually / occasionally)
My most frequent negative / uncomfortable emotion is feeling .
The feeling I dislike the most is .
I need to learn to ..
Congratulations that took courage!

Step 2
Now you have identified your false beliefs, go back and re-do the exercise writing how you would
like to be. For example:
When under pressure I panic
to
When under pressure I think about the situation calmly and ask for support.

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Life Roles Wheel


This tool helps to clarify life roles. Just draw a circle and divide your life up into segments. Watch for
space for Self.

Life Roles

ME

Partner

Mother

Life Coach

Get a blank sheet of paper


Head it The Roles of my Life. and apportion the roles in your life Mother, Partner,
Employee, Sister, Daughter, etc.
Draw a large circle
Divide the circle into segments like a cake where each piece represents a role in your
life. The bigger the piece the more important it is.
When you have settled on the relative sizes that each piece should be Label them, you
may wish to colour them also.
Check out what you have come up with. Any surprises? Did you allow for any space for
You?
Try drawing a second Map the way you would like things to be.
Are there any differences with the first Map and how things are now?

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Stop Your Spending!


A great tool to help put the brakes on your spending!
Put your credit card in a bowl of water
place in the freezer
the next time you are tempted to buy something you can do so but have to wait until it
thaws as you cant microwave or you will destroy the card.

1999-2007 Paradigms Ltd


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Problems and Potential


You have heard about problems and opportunity, but what about turning problems into potential?
Change brings loss and loss brings grief. But loss can also represent freedom, and change, like the
tender fronds of a fresh green shoot, represent the start of something new ...
I have lost, what have I gained?
If every problem possesses the seeds of its own resolution, what is the opportunity in my
problem, what is a possible resolution?
What is something good about this situation, no matter how small or insignificant?
Does this situation have a positive aspect?
Can I open myself up to my feelings a little more? What is something I can do to help me get
in touch with my feelings?
Who can I turn to for support?
What can I take from experiencing this? What can I learn? How can I grow?
Am I flowing with the situation or fighting and resisting?
How can I create faith for the future and strength to go on?

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Life is Garbage & Life is Wonderful!


The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.
Eric Hoffer
It is often very easy to answer the question whats wrong in our life. However, it is a wonderful thing
to have a non-headache or a non-toothache, but so often we do not think of the joy of not having
these problems until we experience them and then wish them away.
Similarly, it is wonderful to be able to take a breath when we want to, to drink a glass of water, to eat
whenever we like, or have the blessing of good eyesight.
If we were without these things we would be thinking about acquiring them, but when we have them,
it is so easy to take them for granted.
This exercise can help us redress the balance of what's really right and wrong in our life
Get 2 blank sheets of paper.
On one piece of paper, list all of the things that are wrong in your life dont be afraid to
be negative get it all out!
On the other, write a list of all the positive things in your life right now, including everything
thats not wrong.
When you have finished, place the two pieces of paper side by side and ask yourself
What is of the greatest use to me and what serves me most to focus on what's wrong or
what not wrong?
When you have decided which list is best for you to dwell on, discard the list you do not wish
to focus on - throw it away maybe even bury or burn it, if you wish to make this a
memorable event.
Try reading the remaining list every morning for 3 weeks and see what happens

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Conflict Tool
A handy tool if you are having issues with someone
write down what they are doing that causes the problem
then write how you contribute to the problem
ask yourself, What can I do to stop things escalating?
What is my responsibility here?
What steps can I take to help resolve this problem or restore this relationship?

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Reveal Your Hearts Wisdom


This tool helps you move on from anything significant or get some insight into where you are at
emotionally
Set aside some quiet time to write a letter that no one will read, but will help you to reveal your
hearts messages and wisdom.
Write at the top of the page the question you want an answer to, such as How do really I
feel about Sam? or How do I feel about my job
Write down all the things you wish you could say, what you wished you could've said, etc
basically getting it all out.
Include all the memories positive and negative you can remember.
Try not to analyze what you are writing just let it flow from the heart. Write without
judgment just put down whatever comes to your mind we will analyze it later.
When you have finished, leave it for a few hours before reading it, or better still sleep on it.
As you read over what you have written, highlight or underline anything that strikes you as
interesting, unusual or significant.
These are the messages and the wisdom your heart is bringing through to you. Think about
what these messages are, and what wisdom your heart is revealing to you.
When the time is right, ask yourself what you would like to do with the letter? Put it in a
keepsafe box, place in a bottle and let it go in the ocean, burn it, bury it or even send it.

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The Porcupine Problem Solver!


This tool helps you creatively brainstorm with a porcupine for inspiration!
Draw a circle on a blank piece of paper
Put a little porcupine face on it
Draw lots of porcupine spikes around the body of the porcupine
Write your Problem in the middle of the porcupine
Write and label the spikes with possible Responses, Actions & Solutions
Finally add any New Thoughts about the problem to spare spikes
Remember when brainstorming there is no such thing as a bad idea!

ask for help


take lunch
do nothing
organise better
hire home help
just do it!
start workearlier?
quit job!
work nearer home. or from home?
talk to Bob about helpingout more
have a girls nite!!!

1999-2007 Paradigms Ltd

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Decisions Tool
Have trouble making decisions?
Do you make a decision and then change your mind?
Are you always second-guessing yourself?
Do you feel like the stakes are much higher than they actually are?
Feel like you are a failure at making decisions?
Try this Decisions Tool!
Make a list of the big decisions you have made and stuck to.
How did they work out?
Calculate approximately how many decisions you make every day.
Is there such a thing as a wrong decision?
If there is such a thing as a wrong decision, what happens if you make one?
Do you still feel like you are a failure at making decisions or is it rather easy?
Is making a decision really such a big deal?

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Do A Stress Inventory
If you are feeling a bit low but cant put your finger on why, a stress inventory is a great way to get an idea of
what you have on your emotional plate.
Feeling a bit flat and run down?
Feeling unmotivated?
What have you been dealing with on an emotional and mental level over the last 2 years?
Draw up a page with 3 columns for the Event, the Date it occurred, and its Score
Event

Date

Score

/10

Record any significant changes in the last 2 years


including positive changes, eg. A new job or house
including changes in the lives of those people close to you, eg. children, parents, etc
this list does not cover every situation, so feel free to add to them, and please email me at
harley@life-coach-tools.com with your suggestions
Give every event a score from 1-10.
+ denotes the event could score higher (eg. Financial stress at 5+ could be 7)
++ denotes that the event could score much higher (eg. Sick child at 4++ could be 9)
10 Terminal Illness
9+
Death of someone close
7++
Serious Illness / Hospitalisation
7++ Divorce
6++
A child born
6++
Family / Relationship conflict or estrangement
6++
Sick / infirm dependants (including parents)
6++
Moving countries / state
6+
Parents into a retirement home
5++
End of relationship
5+ Moderate Illness
5
Conflict with friends
5+ Financial stress
5+ Moving house
5+
Chronic health issues / Mild depression
5+
A new significant relationship
4++
Sick child
4+
A pet dying
3+
Last child to leave home
2+
A new job / role
2 Holiday
1+
First child to leave home
1
A child starting school
1
A new pet
1
A new car / major possession
1 No exercise
1 Bad diet
... / continued on following page

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What is your score over the last 6 months


A score over 3 during this time is considered moderate change and likely to result in moderate stress.
A score of 5 or over during this time is considered significant change and likely to result in high stress.
What is your score over the last 18-24 months
A score over 5 is considered moderate stress
A score over 7 or over is considered high stress
If you are stressed, what can you do to de-stress, who you can get support from, or how you can increase
your emotional inputs?

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The Heart Language Tool


It always surprises me that practically every client relates to this tool in some way!
Do you feel stressed and harassed during the day, like you're always doing things
to please others rather than yourself?
Do you have problems making decisions about insignificant matters?
Are you unsure about what it is you really want?
Do you find yourself doing things you really dont want to do and continually acting
out of obligation?
Part of being an adult is learning to put the needs of others, such as our children or employer, ahead
of ourselves. But we can become so used to doing what we feel we should do, or living by the
expectations of others that we lose touch with ourselves.
If we stop listening to our hearts voice, eventually we won't recognize it. Then we wonder why our life
is so dry and un-spontaneous.
We need to re-open the conversation with our heart - to remember how to listen to our heart and not
just our head.
How to recognise your hearts voice: when you're feeling stressed or that you feel you have lost your
centre, ask yourself two questions,
1. What am I feeling now?
2. I would like ?
Try to listen to the first thought which will be from your heart not your head which comes in
with chatter and rationalizing afterwards.
If the message from your heart is possible and practical then do it, eg. take a break, call a friend,
pop out for a coffee, jump up from your desk and shout Yes!.
If it is not realistic just note your hearts message until its convenient to follow through, but be careful
this habit is life changing!
Why not try following your heart and doing one spontaneous thing every day?
And if you really want to be immature have some fun in a boring, staid grown up situation ask
yourself:
What would I do if I was 5?

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The Five Stages of the Grief Process


Grief occurs as the result of something as significant as the passing of a loved one, a health crisis
and also over something as seemingly insignificant as missing out on a carpark.
The common factor in all these events is change. Change, even positive change, equates to loss
and any loss requires an adjustment this adjustment process is felt as grief.
An awareness of the stages of grief, can help us to deal with the feelings that inevitably
accompanies loss. If we are aware that what we are feeling is entirely normal and that there is a
rhyme and a reason, a time and a season we are better placed to be able to accept and allow the
process to work through us.
It should also be borne in mind that we are all different, so some people experience the stages in
varying orders, times or degrees of intensity.
The 5 Stages are:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining & Regret
4. Sadness
5. Acceptance
Denial
Denial is generally the first stage in the grief process. A part of us cannot accept that the change or
loss has actually occurred. We may feel numb or experience shock. This is our emotions way of
dealing with an unexpected and significant change.
An example would be hearing of the death of someone we loved say our grandmother.
Anger
The next stage is us anger. We probably feel that the loss is unjustified, and ask Why me?
We feel angry that we have lost our Gran.
Bargaining & Regret
In the bargaining stage, we are trying to come to terms with what has happened and may regret
what we didnt or could not do.
Common thoughts include "If only ." or "I wish ." or "Maybe if ."
We may regret that we didnt spend more time with Gran while she was alive.

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Sadness
Feelings of sadness actually signal the end of the grieving process. Sadness is a very positive
emotion, it means we are beginning to actually feel the loss and come to terms with it.
We start to feel profound sadness that Gran is gone.
We may wish to end this stage and to move on as quickly as possible, but at such times it is good
to recall the medical maxim, Patients need patience.
Acceptance
The final stage in the first cycle of grief is acceptance, and represents that the healing is complete.
We are starting to incorporate into our life and our thinking, the knowledge that our Gran is gone and
is not coming back.
Awareness of the stages of grief can help us to give ourselves permission to grieve and heal. It can
also increase our emotional competence because we are better able to identify what we are feeling
and why.
In addition to the above 5 Cycles of Grief there are also the phenomenons of Transference and the
Theory of 7 Cycles.
Transference
If we have not fully felt our loss, or if the loss is especially significant, we will probably experience
some degree of transference where when we grieve over one event we are actually feeling the grief
over something else.
Using the example above, our grandmother may pass and we dont feel much emotion but when our
beloved unexpectedly dies we experience profound loss and feelings out of proportion to the event.
This is a clue that what we are really dealing with is mainly not our cats passing, but our unfelt
feelings over our grandmother.
7 Year Cycles
The phenomenon of the 7-Year Cycle will follow any significant loss and is dealt with in a separate
tool 7 Cycle Theory. (part of 101 Tools Life Coaches Use available from
www.life-coach-tools.com )

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Feel the feeling tool


This tool helps clients you get in touch with uncomfortable feelings and help to make them safe and
manageable
Feelings are like clouds. They look solid, but if you flew up to feel one you would find they are just
droplets of mist.
Also, like clouds, feelings come and go. When you open up to them, they pass over sometimes
after raining, sometimes after thunder and lightning, but they always pass.
And even on a dark, cloudy day, the sky beyond is still blue and the sun is always shining, its just
that sometimes we cant see it.
Sit down somewhere comfortable and quiet. Still yourself by breathing deeply
a few times.
Hold the thought that feelings are like clouds.
Invite the uncomfortable feeling to come to you.
Sit with it and continue to breathe slowly and deeply.
Try entering into a dialogue and talking to your feeling what is it saying to
you? Is this message true? Is it positive? Is it useful? What does safety mean
to you?
Sit with your feeling, the nature of feelings is that they're dynamic soon it will
change. If it is too difficult to wait, just be with it for as long as you are
comfortable and then let it go.
Think about the message the feeling was giving you. Surprisingly sometimes
negative feelings have a very protective undertone. Conversely, sometimes a
feeling will be a reflection of a limiting belief that when subject to conscious
thinking and the light of day, is rejected as being groundless. (Refer Beliefs
tools)
You can repeat this exercise as often as you like or when you have time and
space.
Over time the feeling and more importantly your fear of the feeling will
dissipate.
In time you may be able to see how the feeling served you or kept you safe.

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Am I a Failure checklist?
This checklist will help you decide if you are a certified failure! It is also an example of the way
coaching offers new thoughts and perspectives.
Do you feel like a failure?
Does feeling like a failure mean that you are a failure?
Can you learn without failing?
Does failing at something you do, make you a failure as a person?
Can you think of anyone who has never failed at anything?
Did you try and fail?
If you have tried and failed (ie. the outcome was not what you expected) does that mean
you have tried and failed at something or
does that mean you're a failure as a person?
Arent you a hero rather than a failure?
Do you agree with the statement A hero is someone who rides out to battle, is defeated and
returns home victorious?
Success is going from failure to failure without loss in enthusiasm.
Sir Winston Churchill

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Infinite solutions tool


Use this tool to expand and stretch your habitual mental pattern of only seeing limited options.
Write down your problem then ask
How else could you think about that?
Try and come up with 20 different thoughts or different ways of looking at your situation.

Fun exercise
Scenario: Imagine there is a hungry mosquito in the room whilst you are trying to sleep.
Think of at least 20 possible responses*
when you've finished, read another possibility at the bottom of this page!

*Did you come up with an option of just let it bite you!

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RELATIONSHIP TOOLS

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My Dream Partner
This tool helps you imagine the qualities of your dream partner. By making a quiz about your dream
partner you can create a clear picture of them in their mind. Then, when you meet them you will
be able to recognize them straight away!
"How does he make me feel special?"
"What does she do when I'm sick in bed?"
"How does he show affection?"
"How does he treat me in company when we go out?"
"How does he make me laugh?"
"Her most important quality is
"The best thing about him is
When you have finished, make a list of the qualities you would like in a future partner.
Then write down the qualities you will bring to the relationship.

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Reflective listening
Your communication is only as good as your understanding of the person you're
communicating with. Dr Tony Alessandra
Verbal communication is inherently inaccurate means for the transfer of information and is a skill we
have to learn and develop. This tool is designed to enhance and facilitate communication between
couples.
Excellent communication is a very important life skill because by hearing the other persons point of
view and in turn feeling heard yourself, means that half of the problem is resolved, because both sides
feel heard and validated.
If you see a guy and a girl together, chances are the girl will be talking and the guy will be listening as
on average women speak thousands more words a day than men!
However, neither gender is particularly good at communicating often men just dont speak, and
woman talk a lot but dont always communicate what they really feel.
create some quiet space together with your partner
listen to them without interruption or judgement
when they have finished, reflect back to them what you heard them say
ask them if you heard them correctly
repeat the process with them listening and reflecting what you say
If you are interested in couples communication tools, Dr. Harville Hendricks has written some great
books on this subject including Getting the Love You Want

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Relationship Cycles
The exercise is used to identity patterns in relationships and to help determine if any current
relationship issues have their origins in earlier relationships.
This tool can also be used to see how, when and where relationships ended or broke down and to
help identity any patterns.
Draw up a blank piece of paper with 4 columns:
Name

Relationship

Significant Features

Clues / Patterns

If you wish to examine potential patterns in Male Relationships, start with your most significant
early male relationship usually your Father, or Father figure - and proceed from there.
If dealing with Female Relationships start with your most significant early female relationship
usually your Mother and proceed from there to Grandmothers, Aunts, etc.
Under the Name column write their name. If a parent or relative use their name and under
relationship denote their relationship to you. eg. Patricia Mother.
List them in chronological order, from the earliest relationship to the latest from your partner to
your child for example.
Under Relationships column write their relationship to you.
Under Significant Features write your associations about the relationship. Go on feel here and try
and work from the heart not the head.
Under Clues / Patterns are there any patterns between the relationships similarities or opposites?
Does anything stand out? Any significant associations between relationships and people?

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Name

Relationship

Significant Features

Clues / Patterns

Emotionally Unavailable
Distant
Very Quiet
Generous
Big Spender

xx

Patricia Mother Honest

Jenny Partner Emotionally Unavailable

both Mom & Jenny are


Carefree emotionally unavailable
Untidy
Loyal
Very Loud
xx Jenny if the opposite
of Mum here

Cathryn Daughter Free Spender

Cathryn is a spender like


Chatty Mum, maybe this is why I
Considerate get so annoyed with her?

This Example suggests that this person


has chosen a partner that is emotionally unavailable like his Mother
has chosen a partner that is the opposite of his Mothers very quiet nature, and
that he may be reacting to his daughters free-spending ways as a result of his mothers similar
behaviour.

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Score Your Dream Partner!


The exercise is used to help gain clarity and insight into previous relationships and also to help
determine if any of the qualities you seek in a partner are similar, or opposite to, the qualities of your
early parental figures. It is also great for determining if a potential partner is worth pursuing!
Draw up a blank piece of paper with about 8 columns:
Qualities

Dad/Mum

st

1 Significant
Partner

2nd 3rd 4th New


Partner ?

Clues /
Patterns

Leave the Qualities column for now, and start with the Dad/Mum column.
If you wish to examine the qualities in a Male Partner, label the Dad/Mum column Dad, and/or name
an early male Father figure.
If you wish to examine the qualities in a Female Partner, label the Dad/Mum column Mum, and/or
name an early male Mother figure
Under the 1st Significant Partner column write the name of your first significant partner.
Complete the columns from left to right, from the 1st Significant Partner to the last. You dont want
any more than 7 or 8, but you can repeat the exercise later with as many as you wish.
Lastly, add in your Potential New Partner if you are thinking of one.
After you have written the names of your Partners, under the Qualities column write down:
a) the qualities you would like in a partner
b) character traits that appeal to you
c) the things you liked about previous partners
the sum of these qualities represents your ultimate Dream Partner.
d) finally, add in the significant personality traits of your Father, if you wish to examine Male
Partners, or your Mother if you are looking at Female Relationships.

... / continued on following page

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Now mark your partners off and see how they score.
How does your Potential New Partner stack up?
Qualities Dad Jerry Bob Mike Peter
Quiet
Kind x x x x

Polite
Funny x x x
Handsome
Wealthy x

opposite

Felt Safe

Points

Clues?

kindness is
important to me
not so important

x
x
x

soh is good

do I like Angry
men? like Dad?

xx

Dads
qualities
Angry x x x

Comments

Tim
(New Guy)
x
x

looks not vital


$ is nice!

x
3

5
Bob a
lot like
Dad

Peter Tim Highest


Lowest
Score!

.
Under Clues / Patterns are there any patterns between the partners? Any positive or negative
qualities which surprised you?
Look for similarities or opposites as a response to your Parental figure. For example, if your Father
was angry, you may be attracted to angry men or seek the opposite very patient and easy-going
partners.
This Example suggests that this person
has previously chosen a partner (Bob) that was very like her Father
that her last relationship (Peter) was perhaps a poor choice
that the potential new guy (Tim) looks like a pretty good candidate at this stage!

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Relationship circle
This tool helps clarify your relationships with the people in their life. It can be as simple as just writing
the names of those you have a significant relationship with and drawing a line representing the depth
of the relationship, or you can continue with the exercise until it is as detailed as the example below.
Draw a large circle
Write your name in the middle
Around the circle write the names of people you have a significant relationship with, or anyone
who comes to mind. Include Partner, Exs, Children, Mother, Father, Siblings, Grandparents,
Significant Relatives, Close Friends, In-laws!, Work Colleagues, etc. present or passed.
After you have finished
Draw a line from you to the persons name. The longer the line the closer the relationship.
Go around and write one word you associate with each person as things are now
Write next to their name and your word association a colour that comes to mind.
How about adding yourself?
Look at the order you wrote the names in. Anything interesting about who you wrote first or
last?
Is there anyone significant you have inadvertently missed? In-laws, family, exs?
Add a for those people who contribute positively to your life or a / for those who are
currently take more than they give (this may be for valid reasons, eg. illness, divorce)
When you have finished pick the top 2 people you would like to move issues ahead with
Ask yourself what action you can take, eg. A phone call, a letter, a visit, etc.
Revisit the exercise whenever you feel the need to!

1999-2007 Paradigms Ltd


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How well do you know your partner Quiz?


to get you and your partner talking, smiling, laughing and maybe more ...

Get together with your partner.


Print two copies of this questionnaire and separately write down
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o
o

What you think their favourite movie is


favourite band or singer, or type of music
favourite actor, actress
favourite season
favourite TV show
favourite day of the week
their hero
favourite time of day
favourite activity
the quality they admire most in others
favourite activity (when clothed!)
best memory together
who they are closest to in their family
their best friend
the personal quality they most appreciate in a partner
favourite colour
their worst habit
their best habit
kindest thing you have done for them
your most difficult habit for them to deal with
the hardest issue for them to deal with
the one word that best describes them
if they were a car what car would they be?
what color? what condition? where would you buy it?
what they feel are your 3 best qualities
the thing they would most like you to do, what they most want from you
the way they would like you to communicate love
what is their loving style do they usually demonstrate their love by:
kind words,
loving actions,
thoughtfulness when apart,
giving gifts,
showing friendship
why you think they love you

Now swap lists, score them and laugh!

1999-2007 Paradigms Ltd


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When you I feel


This communication tool helps you learn how to communicate your needs positively and
constructively without accusing the other person.
Formula is
When you _______________, I feel __________________.
Example of what to say:
When you dont show me appreciation I feel hurt.
You are reclaiming your power and taking responsibility for your feelings by saying I
feel rather than You make me feel
You are also talking about the behaviour the not showing appreciation - rather than
condemning the person.
Example of what not to say:
You are a boof head and you make me angry.

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A quick lesson in speaking Martian!


A fun tool to help women speak to the men in their lives. With acknowledgment to the great author
and all round funny guy, Dr John Gray who coined the terminology that Men Are From Mars &
Women Are From Venus
I designed this tool to help a lovely client communicate with her husband. It is amazing when
coaching to hear the reply to the question, Have you told your partner what you're telling me now?
Ladies, would you like to get your needs met? (A chorus of shouts and approval ensues!)
The first step is knowing what they are, so ask yourself:
1. What do I need ?
2. I would like
Now that you have identified your needs, your natural inclination will be to speak Venutian and
communicate this in phrases like:
I wish
We never (anymore!)
I wouldn't mind sometime .
Why cant we (& the clincher) pleeease???
However, your Martian man cant hear any of this it's all too vague to him.
His communication needs are very clear and easy to understand if he wants something he asks
for it - without feeling guilty.
Heres how to translate all of the above into Martian are you ready?
Just fill in the blanks and dont be afraid to stand in your own space girl!
Here goes

I want __________________________

1999-2007 Paradigms Ltd


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Guilt ties us up and hold us back from life. This tool shows how to eliminate guilt and get
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