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Aware Parenting Ourselves Control Patterns and Loving Limits

I continue to be amazed how Aware Parenting principles and practices inform and
nourish my own life as a parent. Recently, Ive been learning more about control
patterns and loving limits for myself
Through being with my children, and talking to other parents, Ive learnt how subt
le control patterns can be. Control patterns are those habitual ways we protect
ourselves from our painful feelings (often without realising that we are doing
so).
Control patterns
For more information about control patterns, see: http://www.parentingwithpresen
ce.net/index.php?pageid=2686
http://www.parentingwithpresence.net/index.php?pageid=3365
http://www.parentingwithpresence.net/index.php?pageid=3366
Control patterns protect us from pain, and may have been life-savers to us in pa
inful times where we had no loving compassionate empathic listener. However, th
e downside of control patterns is that they numb us from feeling a full sense of
aliveness. Control patterns dull the whole range of our feelings, not only the
painful ones, so that we are less likely to experience joy and happiness and bl
iss.
Disconnected from what we are feeling in the moment takes us away from connectin
g with ourselves, with what is really going on, with what we believe, with what
we want, and what alternatives we could choose apart from spacing out or dissoci
ating.
When we are disconnected from ourselves, we are also less available for true con
nection and intimacy with others. In relationships this means avoiding intimacy
, and in parenting relationships it means we are less present with our children
and their feelings. Thus they too are more likely to unwittingly use control pa
tterns to avoid connecting with us, and connecting with themselves and their fee
lings.
Control patterns what can we do?
After nine years of practising Aware Parenting, I find myself gaining more aware
ness and choice about my own control patterns. In the past, I have often approa
ched them in more indirect ways, such as becoming increasingly friendly and clos
e with my sadness and grief.
Another compassionate and gentle approach I have found is that when I recognise
that I am about to engage in a control pattern, and stop myself for a moment, an
d notice, and be curious about what Im feeling. When I connect with the feeling, a
nd acknowledge it, it often shifts, and thus often means that the desire - whate
ver it is, just lifts.
Did I mention the subtleties of control patterns?
I see it in my children, how easy control patterns are to miss, and how c.p.s bec
ome more subtle with increasing age, such as reading a book to avoid painful fee
lings!
Shopping as a control pattern
A couple of months ago, it became very clear to me that shopping, and accumulati
ng certain things, especially clothes and shoes and toys, was a way that I kept
myself out of the present moment. Instead of feeling present in my body, I was
subtly thinking about the next new outfit, or when playing with my children, thi
nking about the next new toy. And it was subtle I wasnt actually thinking about t
hose things consciously, it was more like an undertone, a way of focussing on th
e future rather than the present. A way of avoiding the natural process of life
that we are constantly changing, growing, letting go of old ways of seeing the w
orld that everything gets older, grows, and death is an essential part of life.
The undertone of thinking about new things kept me from acknowledging the ending
of things, and simply enjoying the present.
I thought about how with the context of Aware Parenting, I set loving limits wit
h my children. Loving limits are done with the awareness that my child is actin
g in ways that indicate they are feeling upset (reading all day, or picking thei
r nails, or their noses!) and that they might need help to reconnect with their
feelings. Loving limits are compassionate, without any harshness, blame or crit
icism, and simply with the loving intention to help the child return to their na
tural state of presence.
I saw that with the shopping control pattern, I needed more than just being awar
e of it. So I set a loving limit for myself, a time period in which I would buy
no more clothes and shoes or toys except for birthdays and Christmas (we have a
LOT of these things, by the way!) A year without shopping for these items! As
soon as I set the limit for myself (and it was loving, with the intention of he
lping myself, no harshness or criticism of myself), I felt anxious Id been ponder
ing on buying a new pair of flip flops and suddenly, I really really wanted thos
e flip flops!!! I really understood the urgency of wanting a control pattern.
I wanted them so much!!!!
After a while of feeling the anxiety, I started to feel relief, and a kind of cl
arity of thinking and presence.
It was as though the control pattern of looking for new things to buy kept me aw
ay from simply being here, in the clothes Im wearing now, in the present moment.
I could see colours more clearly, and felt more aliveness. I started to focus
on gratitude for all the things that I already have, and could really sink into
having them now. A sense of presence started to fill the space that the distrac
tion had been taking up.
And since then, Ive been doing lots more outside activities, bike rides, swimming
, roller-blading, dancing, and have had much more of a sense of aliveness in my
body.
Id like to say a bit more about loving limits.
Loving limits
In Aware Parenting, loving limits are - when we see that our children are doing
things that indicate that they have pent up feelings, and we speak words in lovi
ng tones that stop children doing those things so that they can connect to the u
nderlying feelings. Behaviours such as hitting, biting, lack of cooperation, la
ck of care with people, pets and things, and so on, often indicate painful feeli
ngs. With loving limits, there is no sense of punishment or shame, simply the u
nderstanding that what the child seems to want (like I really NEEDED those flip
flops!!) is really a signal that they need some loving support to connect with the
feelings that are the real root of their behaviour.
A while ago, I read this http://www.fateproject.org/musings/?p=1243
as well as an article by a family who turned off all their devices on Sundays.
Computer use as a control pattern
Now, one of my other control patterns is computer use. Like things like food as
a control pattern, this is a slightly more challenging one to negotiate, becaus
e I use my computer to contribute in the world (like writing articles like this
one, arranging consultations, writing email consultations, and engaging in the P
arenting with Presence group).
So I want to keep using the computer to contribute, and connect, and NOT as a wa
y to help me disconnect from myself.
And yet, I have seen that it has become a strong control pattern. So for the la
st several weeks I have limited my use. And like loving limits with a child, th
ere is no self-judgment, criticism, or harshness towards myself. I simply see t
hat I want to live a more alive, present, awake life.
Identity and choice
And it is also about identity for me. My ex-husband commented that I was a pers
on who loved ideas and computers, and although that is true, a voice in me said,
I love nature, and cycling, and dancing! So the choice to give up the control pa
ttern was part of a choice to be something more, to live a life more aligned wit
h what I value.
Commonalities between different control patterns
Ive realised is that the computer-use control pattern is like a feeding control p
attern with a small child.
Feelings are more likely to be around just before we go to sleep and just after
we wake up, so just like giving our aware presence to our children at these time
s, rather than feeding them or distracting them in other ways, I have been avoid
ing using the computer at these times, and instead have been connecting with mys
elf.
Another thing I have noticed is that I used to use the computer little and often
it was so easy just to flip the lid and have a quick look at the Parenting with
Presence group, or Facebook.
And I think that the little and often approach has kept me in a bit of a spaced ou
t state, just like control patterns do with babies and children. It takes some
time after using a control pattern (which numbs us from what we are feeling), to
return to a state of presence and to connect with what is alive with us in the
present.
So, just like with limiting the frequency of something that is a control pattern
and also a real need (like food), I have started limiting my computer use to mu
ch less often, but in bigger chunks. For example, Ive mostly been using the comp
uter about twice a week for a chunk of hours, rather than using it between sever
al-to-many times a day.
Because I am now using the computer more rarely, I notice what a different state
of consciousness I soon get into once I do use it, and how it takes me time to
transition from that state to one where I am available for connection again.
Learning all the time
I am navigating through this learning more about presence, what takes me away, w
hat contributes to my life and helps me to contribute to others, and what actual
ly detracts from my relationships with my children and others in my life.
Non-mainstream parenting and computer use
I imagine this is quite pertinent to many people practising non-mainstream paren
ting approaches . Our needs for community, learning, and ease of connection (ie.
chatting to other parents with similar values when the children are asleep), mea
ns that we may find ourselves learning to differentiate between when computer us
e is contributing to a need, and when we are doing it to protect ourselves from
what we are feeling in the moment, and thus from intimacy with ourselves and fro
m finding like-minded families in our neighbourhood.
And computers have instant ways of meeting needs that are very valuable and also
powerful. If we want connection, or learning, or community, all we need is to
flip the lid open and find it all there, waiting for us. The trick I am learnin
g is how to use that with respect and awareness, to use the resources with choic
e and presence.
The joyful thing in this for me is that as I grow in awareness of the subtleties
of control patterns in my own life, I have more presence to offer my children,
and more awareness about their control patterns, and how to help their natural s
tate of presence flourish. We have also been for bike rides nearly every day, a
re going to the beach more, spending time in nature, and having a lot more fun!
I invite you to explore beyond the limits of your control patterns, to find even
more connection, intimacy, and aliveness..
sursa: http://www.parentingwithpresence.net/index.php?pageid=4926

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