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12 literary insults to make you weep
A survey has named "My dear, I don't give a damn", from Gone
With the Wind as the greatest literary putdown. Here are our
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theguardian.com, Tuesday 3 June 2014 00.06 AEST
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156 comments. Showing 50 conversations, threads collapsed , sorted oldest first
1 2
All comments Staff replies Guardian picks
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Matt Holmes
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3 PEOPLE, 3 COMMENTS
DebsJ
This is more a quote about a literary review. George Bernard Shaw's response to a
critic:
I am in the smallest room of the house. I have your review in front of me. Soon it will
be behind me.
02 June 2014 3:14pm
44
tufsoft DebsJ
it was the composer Max Reger who wrote that to a critic
02 June 2014 3:50pm
12
Factsaregood DebsJ
Talking about GBS, two quotes about him:
'GBS has no enemies in the world, and none of his friends like him'
and
02 June 2014 5:02pm
11
Share
Share Share
and
'It is refreshing in this day and age of atheism to see how George Bernard
Shaw believes in himself'
2 PEOPLE, 2 COMMENTS
conedison
"Well, at least a brain tumour's one medical condition you'll never have to worry
about." Raymond Chandler, The Little Sister
02 June 2014 3:23pm
69
Dave Leaton conedison
More Chandler -- never enough:
"She's a charming middle age lady with a face like a bucket of mud and if
she's washed her hair since Coolidge's second term, I'll eat my spare tire,
rim and all." -- Farewell, My Lovely
"She opened a mouth like a firebucket and laughed. That terminated my
interest in her. I couldn't hear the laugh but the hole in her face when she
unzippered her teeth was all I needed."--The Long Good-bye
"From thirty feet away she looked like a lot of class. From ten feet away she
looked like something made up to be seen from thirty feet away."--The High
Window
"She was as cute as a washtub." -- Farewell, My Lovely
And then one in the other direction:
"It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained glass
window."--Farewell, My Lovely
02 June 2014 8:54pm
8
2 PEOPLE, 2 COMMENTS
britesparc
"Monty, you terrible..."
02 June 2014 3:25pm
28
Terpitude britesparc
I love Monty Don.
02 June 2014 5:11pm
4
2 PEOPLE, 2 COMMENTS
Simon Sullivan
12 literary insults to make you weep
13 - Dan Brown : The Da Vinci Code
02 June 2014 3:33pm
113
TheBigHeat Simon Sullivan
Somewhere recently I read something that had never occurred to me. And
of course it's true -- no-one has ever heard of a town like Vinci inventing a
code about anything. It should be The Leonardo Code, as da Vinci means
"from Vinci."
03 June 2014 1:35am
1
Willdidthis
" the Idol of Idiot worshippers "
02 June 2014 3:33pm
9
Cosmodemon
"You are a fishmonger" from Hamlet vexes people. Unless they are actually a
02 June 2014 3:34pm
16
fishmonger, in which case it is a much subtler insult.
2 PEOPLE, 2 COMMENTS
Glycon
'I cannot but conclude the Bulk of your Natives, to be the most pernicious Race of
little odious Vermin, that Nature ever suffered to crawl upon the Surface of the Earth.'
Johnny Swift on the Human Race.
02 June 2014 3:43pm
18
benjonson Glycon
Technically it's the king of Brobdignag.
02 June 2014 11:20pm
1
7 PEOPLE, 7 COMMENTS
Show 4 more replies Last reply: 02 June 2014 9:01pm
Bliad
"Raper-like"
FFS Grauniad, do you source your sub-editors from a primary school in Mogadishu?
Bliad
02 June 2014 3:46pm
70
jecjec Bliad
snap!
02 June 2014 3:49pm
2
TimHannigan Bliad
FFS Grauniad, do you source your sub-editors from a primary
school in Mogadishu?
Ain't bad, as insults go.
Perhaps a sub-thread of sub-editor-subjecting slander?
02 June 2014 4:02pm
18
GMonet Bliad
Honk! It reminded me of Lloyd Christmas in Dumb and Dumber: "Tell her I'm
02 June 2014 4:04pm
9
jecjec
The link to this from the front page said raper (sic) -like insults. I do hope that was a
typo ......
02 June 2014 3:46pm
7
2 PEOPLE, 2 COMMENTS
veritypontiki
One may have a feast day with the father of the reformation, Martin Luther. The first
3 I linked to were:
1) You are a person of sin and the child of perdition, leading all the world with you to
the devil, using your lying and deceitful ways.
2) You have surrendered yourself and dared to become an avowed enemy of God,
wanting to race rather than trot to hell.
3) Think what you will, so make in your pants, hang it round your neck, then make a
jelly of it and eat it like the vulgar sows and asses you are!
02 June 2014 3:48pm
6
SimonJB veritypontiki
02 June 2014 4:38pm
3
Field day.....
02 June 2014 4:38pm
4 PEOPLE, 4 COMMENTS
IvorEngine
Sir Thomas More in A Man for All Seasons: "Why Richard, it profits a man nothing to
give his soul for the whole world... but for Wales?"
How very dare he!!!
02 June 2014 3:53pm
34
Funso Oke IvorEngine
Ha! ha! ha!
02 June 2014 4:04pm
blatantfraud IvorEngine
Used that in another context recently, elating to our illustrious Deputy PM.
02 June 2014 6:47pm
jno50 IvorEngine
In fairness, Robert Bolt might get some credit for that one.
02 June 2014 7:46pm
2
llamalpaca
Marcius in Coriolanus
What's the matter, you dissentious rogues,
That, rubbing the poor itch of your opinion,
Make yourselves scabs
02 June 2014 3:54pm
10
TimHannigan
There are some fine ones in Rudyard Kipling's Kim. Most come in the form of banter
between characters so you need to read the dialogue in full to get the zip and the
zing and the rhythm of it. But I think my favourite is this:
Go to Jehannum and abide there with thy reputationless aunt!
Also pretty sharp is this:
Son of a swine, is the soft part of the road meant for thee to scratch thy
back upon? Father of all the daughters of shame and husband of ten
thousand virtueless ones, thy mother was devoted to a devil, being led
thereto by her mother. Thy aunts have never had a nose for seven
generations. Thy sister - what Owl's folly told thee to draw thy carts across
the road?
It's the fact he doesn't round off the final "thy sister" part of the insult, but just leaves
it hanging that's pure insulting genius. The implication of whatever outrageous
slander it was set to be has all the more impact!
02 June 2014 3:56pm
10
2 PEOPLE, 2 COMMENTS
lindt
Guardian, fix the fucking "raper like insults" on the front page link - god forbid this
enters the language. Or maybe it already has.
02 June 2014 3:58pm
21
mikedow lindt
As for you, little envious Prigs, snarling, bastard, puny Criticks, you'll soon
have railed your last. Go hang yourselves. Francois Rabelais
02 June 2014 4:37pm
5
Funso Oke
Wole Soyinka described a creapy, smiling, insidiously charming military-government
doctor/apologist who gave him a perfunctory check-up in prison "an unctuous toad"
in The Man Died. Has always stayed with me that one.
02 June 2014 4:04pm
3
Michael Mooney
'Very good", I said coldly. "In that case, tinkerty-tonk." And I
meant it to sting.
Bertie Wooster, master of the chilling put-down.
02 June 2014 4:04pm
73
bertilek
May the Baby Jesus tear you with a great iron hook!
- Robertson Davies, The Rebel Angels
02 June 2014 4:09pm
10
Splutterer
I've always loved this from hamlet to his mother:
You cannot call it love; for at your age
the heyday in the blood is tame, it's humble,
I love the expression "hey day in the blood"....
02 June 2014 4:16pm
3
10 PEOPLE, 10 COMMENTS
sirroger
as always, PG Wodehouse provides:
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries
you will need.
It was one of the dullest speeches I ever heard. The Agee woman told us for three
quarters of an hour how she came to write her beastly book, when a simple apology
was all that was required.
You're one of those guys who can make a party just by leaving it. It's a great gift.
She looked like something that might have occurred to Ibsen in one of his less
frivolous moments.
The brains of members of the Press departments of motion-picture studios resemble
soup at a cheap restaurant. It is wiser not to stir them.
It would take more than long-stemmed roses to change my view that you're a
despicable cowardy-custard and a disgrace to a proud family. Your ancestors fought
in the Crusades and were often mentioned in despatches, and you cringe like a
salted snail at the thought of appearing as Santa Claus before an audience of
charming children who wouldn't hurt a fly. It's enough to make an aunt turn her face
to the wall and give up the struggle.
What are the chances of a cobra biting Harold, Jeeves?"
"Slight, I should imagine, sir. And in such an event, knowing the boy as intimately as
I do, my anxiety would be entirely for the snake.
02 June 2014 4:17pm
117
missehiggins sirroger
for the snake one alone i felt that a mere recommend was not enough. good
old Pellam Grenville (there was some raw work done at the font on that day)
unquestionably rocks:)
02 June 2014 4:43pm
17
SimonJB sirroger
02 June 2014 4:43pm
5
Show 7 more replies Last reply: 02 June 2014 10:39pm
Indeed. Wonderful.
02 June 2014 4:43pm
XBBLCJR sirroger
It would take more than long-stemmed roses to change my view that you're
02 June 2014 4:45pm
7
DarkClerk
Away, you scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian!
02 June 2014 4:18pm
7
Carlillvs
Why don't you just put the whole world in a bottle, Superman?
Superman: Red Son.
02 June 2014 4:20pm
3
JimNolan
"1 would like to swim ten leagues in a strong soup made from the cojones of all of
them," Agustin said.
For Whom The Bell Tolls.
02 June 2014 4:21pm
2
3 PEOPLE, 3 COMMENTS
annedemontmorency
A N WILSON IS A SHIT
Bevis Hiller
It looks straightforward but Hiller tricked Wilson into publishing it in his biography of
John Betjeman by forging a love letter by John Betjeman where an acrostic spelled
out "A N Wilson is a shit" which fooled Wilson totally.
Well done Bevis Hiller!
http://www.theguardian.com/uk/2006/aug/28/topstories3.books
02 June 2014 4:23pm
24
Faffnyr annedemontmorency
Blimey that's devious.
02 June 2014 5:46pm
1
HairyLime annedemontmorency
I'm sure Iris Murdoch would've seconded Hiller's opinion if she had lived
long enough to read Wilson's memoir of her.
02 June 2014 6:09pm
HorseloverFatarse
'May your beard grow inwards and choke you to death, Oh hound of the Baskervilles'
Whoops Apocalypse.
02 June 2014 4:24pm
1
otterburn999
Thomas Carlyle on Cardinal Newman. "...no more brains than an ordinary-sized
rabbit".
02 June 2014 4:26pm
4
Dappertutto
I always enjoyed Michel Houllebeq writing about Frederick Forsythe:
"I had read something by this halfwit that was full of heavy-handed eulogies to
Margaret Thatcher and ludicrous depictions of the USSR as the evil empire'. Id
wondered how he managed after the fall of the Berlin Wall"
02 June 2014 4:26pm
11
3 PEOPLE, 3 COMMENTS
mikedow
I am His Highness' dog at Kew;
Pray tell me, sir, whose dog are you?
Alexander Pope
02 June 2014 4:31pm
10
bigblackmariah mikedow
Posterity will ne'er survey
A nobler grave than this:
Here lie the bones of Castlereagh:
Stop, traveller, and piss.
Lord Byron
02 June 2014 5:18pm
23
RenaissanceManc bigblackmariah
An orator of such set trash of phrase
Ineffably--legitimately vile,
That even its grossest flatterers dare not praise,
Nor foes--all nations--condescend to smile,
Not even a sprightly blunder's spark can blaze
From that Ixion grindstone's ceaseless toil,
That turns and turns to give the world a notion
Of endless torments and perpetual motion.
Byron, also on 'that intellectual eunuch,Castlereagh'.
02 June 2014 8:11pm
1 PERSON, 2 COMMENTS
missehiggins
"If by a man's works may you judge him then you sir are a STEAMING PILE OF
HORSE MANURE:("
General Melchett to Captain Blackadder.
i may not have got it totally right but i am pretty close... and i positively YEARN to be
able to say this to someone.
02 June 2014 4:34pm
2
missehiggins missehiggins
"you may". prob should be "you may".
02 June 2014 4:36pm
3 PEOPLE, 4 COMMENTS
TheBigHeat
George Bernard Shaw in a message to Winston Churchill: "Enclosed are two tickets
for the opening night of my new play. Bring a friend -- if you have one."
Winston to GBS: "Unfortunately I have a previous engagement that evening. But I
would be glad to attend the second performance -- if there is one."
02 June 2014 4:39pm
69
blatantfraud TheBigHeat
02 June 2014 6:51pm
9
Apparently some politico called on Churchill when he was enthroned - 'Tell
him I can only deal with one shit at a time', he said.
MrDamage blatantfraud
Lord Keeper of the Privy Seal as it happens, which makes it too perfect.
02 June 2014 7:08pm
7
blatantfraud MrDamage
It does - thanks !
02 June 2014 7:36pm
1
3 PEOPLE, 3 COMMENTS
TheBigHeat
The painter Whistler once made a remark that Oscar Wilde thought particularly
clever.
"I wish I'd said that."
"Don't worry, Oscar. You will."
02 June 2014 4:42pm
18
LiquidSnake TheBigHeat
Monty Python's take on that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UxXW6tfl2Y0&feature=kp
02 June 2014 4:46pm
6
blatantfraud LiquidSnake
Thanks ! Not seen that for years !
02 June 2014 6:54pm
LiquidSnake
Unfortunate typo there on the front page:"raper-like".
02 June 2014 4:44pm
1
MrCanoehead
No list of insults is complete without a bit of flyting:
Vyld, venymous vipper, wanthreivinest of thingis,
Half ane elpf, half ane aip, of nature denyit,
Thow flyttis and thow freittis, thow fartis and thow flingis,
Bot this bargane, vnbeist, deir sall thow by it.
--Alexander Montgomerie
02 June 2014 4:47pm
2
3 PEOPLE, 3 COMMENTS
TheBigHeat
Samuel Johnson was once asked his opinion of Sir Richard Sheridan's [I think]
influence on the English Language.
"Sir, it is to burn a farthing candle at Dover to show light at Calais."
02 June 2014 4:49pm
4
SpencertheHalfwit TheBigHeat
His put down of oats and/or the Scots in the dictionary is surely the definition
of the word pithy. "A grain, which in England is generally given to horses,
but in Scotland supports the people."
02 June 2014 5:03pm
4
mikedow TheBigHeat
"Why Sir, Sherry is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken him a great
deal of pains to become what we see him. Such excess of stupidity, Sir, is
not in nature."
02 June 2014 7:55pm
2
2 PEOPLE, 2 COMMENTS
SimonJB
http://thoughtcatalog.com/christopher-hudspeth/2014/02/17-shakespearean-insults-
we-should-start-using-again/
"The devil damn thee black, thou cream-faced loon!"
[Thou there's some discussion elsewhere as to whether 'cream' is a substitution for a
genitally-based insult]
02 June 2014 4:53pm
2
Nothankyou SimonJB
"The devil damn thee black, thou cream-faced loon!/Where gottest thou that
goose look?"
Inspirationally amended by Dr Bowdler to "Why, what's the matter boy?"
02 June 2014 5:14pm
11
SimonJB
Though.... doh....
02 June 2014 4:54pm
2 PEOPLE, 2 COMMENTS
Willy Eckerslike
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you
half as well as you deserve." From Bilbo's speech at his eleventy-first birthday party
02 June 2014 4:54pm
21
DeltaDart Willy Eckerslike
Beautifully written and described in the book; quite clumsily handled in the
film.
02 June 2014 8:02pm
TheBigHeat
Nabokov on critics of Lolita: "I presume there exist readers who find titillating the
display of mural words in those hopelessly banal and enormous novels which are
typed out by the thumbs of tense mediocrities and called 'powerful' and 'stark' by the
reviewing hack."
02 June 2014 4:54pm
4
PaulBowes01
_Squire Headlong._
Bravo! Pass the bottle. The very best speech that ever was made.
_Mr Escot._
It has only the slight disadvantage of being unintelligible.
_Mr Panscope._
I am not obliged, sir, as Dr Johnson observed on a similar occasion,
to furnish you with an understanding.
_Mr Escot._
I fear, sir, you would have some difficulty in furnishing me with such
an article from your own stock.
_Mr Panscope._
02 June 2014 4:55pm
3
_Mr Panscope._
'Sdeath, sir, do you question my understanding?
_Mr Escot._
I only question, sir, where I expect a reply; which, from things that
have no existence, I am not visionary enough to anticipate.
Thomas Love Peacock, Headlong Hall (1815)
Jantar
No Rabelais? Pity.
02 June 2014 5:01pm
2
Sunburst
Shakespeare (from Macbeth, I believe):
"You cream-faced loon!"
02 June 2014 5:03pm
5
2 PEOPLE, 3 COMMENTS
Factsaregood
'For Brutus is an honest man'
02 June 2014 5:03pm
2
Factsaregood Factsaregood
honourable, before someone kills/criticizes me
02 June 2014 5:09pm
2
CallmeJimmy Factsaregood
Quite right!
02 June 2014 6:13pm
SnowyJohn
I'm often tempted to use John Donne's " Saucy pedantic wretch!" when anyone is
being particularly pedantic.
02 June 2014 5:04pm
2
Gerzzo
"Fiery faced quintessence of all thats abominable!" EA Poe FTW!
02 June 2014 5:13pm
SouthSeaCo
'Evelyn, I'm going to give a present that's as hard as you are and as beautiful and as
empty and as easy to see through.'
The Cut-Glass Bowl, F. Scott Fitzgerald
02 June 2014 5:13pm
7
Melanie Mummy Harries
Didn't think much of any of these tbh thought they'd be some more cutting ones than
that. My father used to say "If brains were dynamite you wouldn't have enough to
blow your nose!" I like his version.
02 June 2014 5:14pm
2
shelly2212
02 June 2014 5:15pm
3
If looks could kill, youd soon find out that yours couldnt. After Claude, Iris
Owens (character: Harriet)
To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune, Mr Worthing, to lose both
looks like carelessness The Importance Of Being Earnest, Oscar Wilde
(character: Lady Bracknell)
02 June 2014 5:15pm
2 PEOPLE, 2 COMMENTS
Leopold1904
Wodehouse is fab at insults
Have you ever seen Spode eat asparagus?'
'No.'
'Revolting. It alters one's whole conception of Man as Nature's last word.'
The trouble with you, Spode, is that just because you have succeeded in
inducing a handful of half-wits to disfigure the London scene by going
about in black shorts, you think you're someone. You hear them shouting
Heil, Spode! and you imagine it is the Voice of the People. That is where
you make your bloomer. What the Voice of the People is saying is: Look
at that frightful ass Spode swanking about in footer bags! Did you ever in
your puff see such a perfect perisher?
02 June 2014 5:27pm
15
PlainChocolate Leopold1904
I'm pretty certain he did the original of the Vonnegut insult before Vonnegut
did.
And this one
"If ever there was a pot bellied little human louse who needed to have the
stuffing knocked out of him and his remains jumped on by strong men in
hobnailed boots, it is you, Mr Pott. The next time I see a mob in the street
setting on you, I shall offer to hold their coats and stand by and cheer."
02 June 2014 9:05pm
2
puskascat
'You are not worth the dust the rude wind blows in your face'. Albany to Goneril.
02 June 2014 5:29pm
2
viriditan
Dromio of Syracuse, describing a less than comely female:
Marry, sir, she's the kitchen wench and all grease;
and I know not what use to put her to but to make a
lamp of her and run from her by her own light. I
warrant, her rags and the tallow in them will burn a
Poland winter: if she lives till doomsday,
she'll burn a week longer than the whole world.
...
No longer from head to foot than from hip to hip:
she is spherical, like a globe; I could find out
countries in her.
02 June 2014 5:32pm
2
2 PEOPLE, 2 COMMENTS
williamsbach
Isn't there another Wildean one where a fawning fan says, 'I walked past your house
today, Oscar.' and Wilde replies, 'Thank you'?
02 June 2014 5:35pm
12
mikedow williamsbach
It was an American politician, John Randolph. His reply: "I am glad of it. I
hope you will always do it, Sir."
02 June 2014 8:09pm
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