The Battle of the Books

By Jonathan Swift
A FULL AND TRUE ACCOUNT OF THE BATTLE FOUGHT LAST FRIDA BET!EEN
THE ANCIENT AND THE "ODERN BOO#S IN SAINT JA"ES$S LIBRAR%
WHOEVER examines, with due circumspection, into the annual records of time, will find it remarked that War
is the child of Pride, and Pride the daughter of Riches: the former of which assertions ma !e soon granted,
!ut one cannot so easil su!scri!e to the latter" for Pride is nearl related to #eggar and Want, either ! father
or mother, and sometimes ! !oth: and, to speak naturall, it $er seldom happens among men to fall out when
all ha$e enough" in$asions usuall tra$elling from north to south, that is to sa, from po$ert to plent% &he
most ancient and natural grounds of 'uarrels are lust and a$arice" which, though we ma allow to !e !rethren,
or collateral !ranches of pride, are certainl the issues of want% (or, to speak in the phrase of writers upon
politics, we ma o!ser$e in the repu!lic of dogs, which in its original seems to !e an institution of the man,
that the whole state is e$er in the profoundest peace after a full meal" and that ci$il !roils arise among them
when it happens for one great !one to !e sei)ed on ! some leading dog, who either di$ides it among the few,
and then it falls to an oligarch, or keeps it to himself, and then it runs up to a trann% &he same reasoning also
holds place among them in those dissensions we !ehold upon a turgescenc in an of their females% (or the
right of possession ling in common *it !eing impossi!le to esta!lish a propert in so delicate a case+, ,ealousies
and suspicions do so a!ound, that the whole commonwealth of that street is reduced to a manifest state of war,
of e$er citi)en against e$er citi)en, till some one of more courage, conduct, or fortune than the rest sei)es and
en,os the pri)e: upon which naturall arises plent of heart-!urning, and en$, and snarling against the happ
dog% .gain, if we look upon an of these repu!lics engaged in a foreign war, either of in$asion or defence, we
shall find the same reasoning will ser$e as to the grounds and occasions of each" and that po$ert or want, in
some degree or other *whether real or in opinion, which makes no alteration in the case+, has a great share, as
well as pride, on the part of the aggressor%
/ow whoe$er will please to take this scheme, and either reduce or adapt it to an intellectual state or
commonwealth of learning, will soon disco$er the first ground of disagreement !etween the two great parties at
this time in arms, and ma form ,ust conclusions upon the merits of either cause% #ut the issue or e$ents of this
war are not so eas to con,ecture at" for the present 'uarrel is so inflamed ! the warm heads of either faction,
and the pretensions somewhere or other so exor!itant, as not to admit the least o$ertures of accommodation%
&his 'uarrel first !egan, as 0 ha$e heard it affirmed ! an old dweller in the neigh!ourhood, a!out a small spot
of ground, ling and !eing upon one of the two tops of the hill Parnassus" the highest and largest of which had,
it seems, !een time out of mind in 'uiet possession of certain tenants, called the .ncients" and the other was
held ! the 1oderns% #ut these disliking their present station, sent certain am!assadors to the .ncients,
complaining of a great nuisance" how the height of that part of Parnassus 'uite spoiled the prospect of theirs,
especiall towards the east" and therefore, to a$oid a war, offered them the choice of this alternati$e, either that
the .ncients would please to remo$e themsel$es and their effects down to the lower summit, which the
1oderns would graciousl surrender to them, and ad$ance into their place" or else the said .ncients will gi$e
lea$e to the 1oderns to come with sho$els and mattocks, and le$el the said hill as low as the shall think it
con$enient% &o which the .ncients made answer, how little the expected such a message as this from a colon
whom the had admitted, out of their own free grace, to so near a neigh!ourhood% &hat, as to their own seat,
the were a!origines of it, and therefore to talk with them of a remo$al or surrender was a language the did not
understand% &hat if the height of the hill on their side shortened the prospect of the 1oderns, it was a
disad$antage the could not help" !ut desired them to consider whether that in,ur *if it !e an+ were not largel
recompensed ! the shade and shelter it afforded them% &hat as to the le$elling or digging down, it was either
foll or ignorance to propose it if the did or did not know how that side of the hill was an entire rock, which
would !reak their tools and hearts, without an damage to itself% &hat the would therefore ad$ise the 1oderns
rather to raise their own side of the hill than dream of pulling down that of the .ncients" to the former of which
the would not onl gi$e licence, !ut also largel contri!ute% .ll this was re,ected ! the 1oderns with much
indignation, who still insisted upon one of the two expedients" and so this difference !roke out into a long and
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o!stinate war, maintained on the one part ! resolution, and ! the courage of certain leaders and allies" !ut, on
the other, ! the greatness of their num!er, upon all defeats affording continual recruits% 0n this 'uarrel whole
ri$ulets of ink ha$e !een exhausted, and the $irulence of !oth parties enormousl augmented% /ow, it must !e
here understood, that ink is the great missi$e weapon in all !attles of the learned, which, con$eed through a
sort of engine called a 'uill, infinite num!ers of these are darted at the enem ! the $aliant on each side, with
e'ual skill and $iolence, as if it were an engagement of porcupines% &his malignant li'uor was compounded, !
the engineer who in$ented it, of two ingredients, which are, gall and copperas" ! its !itterness and $enom to
suit, in some degree, as well as to foment, the genius of the com!atants% .nd as the 3recians, after an
engagement, when the could not agree a!out the $ictor, were wont to set up trophies on !oth sides, the !eaten
part !eing content to !e at the same expense, to keep itself in countenance *a lauda!le and ancient custom,
happil re$i$ed of late in the art of war+, so the learned, after a sharp and !lood dispute, do, on !oth sides,
hang out their trophies too, whiche$er comes ! the worst% &hese trophies ha$e largel inscri!ed on them the
merits of the cause" a full impartial account of such a #attle, and how the $ictor fell clearl to the part that set
them up% &he are known to the world under se$eral names" as disputes, arguments, re,oinders, !rief
considerations, answers, replies, remarks, reflections, o!,ections, confutations% (or a $er few das the are
fixed up all in pu!lic places, either ! themsel$es or their representati$es, for passengers to ga)e at" whence the
chiefest and largest are remo$ed to certain maga)ines the call li!raries, there to remain in a 'uarter purposel
assigned them, and thenceforth !egin to !e called !ooks of contro$ers%
0n these !ooks is wonderfull instilled and preser$ed the spirit of each warrior while he is ali$e" and after his
death his soul transmigrates thither to inform them% &his, at least, is the more common opinion" !ut 0 !elie$e it
is with li!raries as with other cemeteries, where some philosophers affirm that a certain spirit, which the call
#R4&41 HO10/05, ho$ers o$er the monument, till the !od is corrupted and turns to dust or to worms, !ut
then $anishes or dissol$es" so, we ma sa, a restless spirit haunts o$er e$er !ook, till dust or worms ha$e
sei)ed upon it which to some ma happen in a few das, !ut to others later and therefore, !ooks of
contro$ers !eing, of all others, haunted ! the most disorderl spirits, ha$e alwas !een confined in a separate
lodge from the rest, and for fear of a mutual $iolence against each other, it was thought prudent ! our ancestors
to !ind them to the peace with strong iron chains% Of which in$ention the original occasion was this: When the
works of 5cotus first came out, the were carried to a certain li!rar, and had lodgings appointed them" !ut this
author was no sooner settled than he went to $isit his master .ristotle, and there !oth concerted together to sei)e
Plato ! main force, and turn him out from his ancient station among the di$ines, where he had peacea!l dwelt
near eight hundred ears% &he attempt succeeded, and the two usurpers ha$e reigned e$er since in his stead" !ut,
to maintain 'uiet for the future, it was decreed that all polemics of the larger si)e should !e hold fast with a
chain%
# this expedient, the pu!lic peace of li!raries might certainl ha$e !een preser$ed if a new species of
contro$ersial !ooks had not arisen of late ears, instinct with a more malignant spirit, from the war a!o$e
mentioned !etween the learned a!out the higher summit of Parnassus%
When these !ooks were first admitted into the pu!lic li!raries, 0 remem!er to ha$e said, upon occasion, to
se$eral persons concerned, how 0 was sure the would create !roils where$er the came, unless a world of care
were taken" and therefore 0 ad$ised that the champions of each side should !e coupled together, or otherwise
mixed, that, like the !lending of contrar poisons, their malignit might !e emploed among themsel$es% .nd it
seems 0 was neither an ill prophet nor an ill counsellor" for it was nothing else !ut the neglect of this caution
which ga$e occasion to the terri!le fight that happened on (rida last !etween the .ncient and 1odern #ooks
in the 6ing7s li!rar% /ow, !ecause the talk of this !attle is so fresh in e$er!od7s mouth, and the expectation
of the town so great to !e informed in the particulars, 0, !eing possessed of all 'ualifications re'uisite in an
historian, and retained ! neither part, ha$e resol$ed to compl with the urgent importunit of m friends, !
writing down a full impartial account thereof%
&he guardian of the regal li!rar, a person of great $alour, !ut chiefl renowned for his humanit, had !een a
fierce champion for the 1oderns, and, in an engagement upon Parnassus, had $owed with his own hands to
knock down two of the ancient chiefs who guarded a small pass on the superior rock, !ut, endea$ouring to
clim! up, was cruell o!structed ! his own unhapp weight and tendenc towards his centre, a 'ualit to
which those of the 1odern part are extremel su!,ect" for, !eing light-headed, the ha$e, in speculation, a
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wonderful agilit, and concei$e nothing too high for them to mount, !ut, in reducing to practice, disco$er a
might pressure a!out their posteriors and their heels% Ha$ing thus failed in his design, the disappointed
champion !ore a cruel rancour to the .ncients, which he resol$ed to gratif ! showing all marks of his fa$our
to the !ooks of their ad$ersaries, and lodging them in the fairest apartments" when, at the same time, whate$er
!ook had the !oldness to own itself for an ad$ocate of the .ncients was !uried ali$e in some o!scure corner,
and threatened, upon the least displeasure, to !e turned out of doors% #esides, it so happened that a!out this time
there was a strange confusion of place among all the !ooks in the li!rar, for which se$eral reasons were
assigned% 5ome imputed it to a great heap of learned dust, which a per$erse wind !lew off from a shelf of
1oderns into the keeper7s ees% Others affirmed he had a humour to pick the worms out of the schoolmen, and
swallow them fresh and fasting, whereof some fell upon his spleen, and some clim!ed up into his head, to the
great pertur!ation of !oth% .nd lastl, others maintained that, ! walking much in the dark a!out the li!rar, he
had 'uite lost the situation of it out of his head" and therefore, in replacing his !ooks, he was apt to mistake and
clap 9escartes next to .ristotle, poor Plato had got !etween Ho!!es and the 5e$en Wise 1asters, and Virgil
was hemmed in with 9rden on one side and Wither on the other%
1eanwhile, those !ooks that were ad$ocates for the 1oderns, chose out one from among them to make a
progress through the whole li!rar, examine the num!er and strength of their part, and concert their affairs%
&his messenger performed all things $er industriousl, and !rought !ack with him a list of their forces, in all,
fift thousand, consisting chiefl of light-horse, hea$-armed foot, and mercenaries" whereof the foot were in
general !ut sorril armed and worse clad" their horses large, !ut extremel out of case and heart" howe$er, some
few, ! trading among the .ncients, had furnished themsel$es tolera!l enough%
While things were in this ferment, discord grew extremel high" hot words passed on !oth sides, and ill !lood
was plentifull !red% Here a solitar .ncient, s'uee)ed up among a whole shelf of 1oderns, offered fairl to
dispute the case, and to pro$e ! manifest reason that the priorit was due to them from long possession, and in
regard of their prudence, anti'uit, and, a!o$e all, their great merits toward the 1oderns% #ut these denied the
premises, and seemed $er much to wonder how the .ncients could pretend to insist upon their anti'uit, when
it was so plain *if the went to that+ that the 1oderns were much the more ancient of the two% .s for an
o!ligations the owed to the .ncients, the renounced them all% :0t is true,; said the, :we are informed some
few of our part ha$e !een so mean as to !orrow their su!sistence from ou, !ut the rest, infinitel the greater
num!er *and especiall we (rench and English+, were so far from stooping to so !ase an example, that there
ne$er passed, till this $er hour, six words !etween us% (or our horses were of our own !reeding, our arms of
our own forging, and our clothes of our own cutting out and sewing%; Plato was ! chance up on the next shelf,
and o!ser$ing those that spoke to !e in the ragged plight mentioned a while ago, their ,ades lean and foundered,
their weapons of rotten wood, their armour rust, and nothing !ut rags underneath, he laughed loud, and in his
pleasant wa swore, ! , he !elie$ed them%
/ow, the 1oderns had not proceeded in their late negotiation with secrec enough to escape the notice of the
enem% (or those ad$ocates who had !egun the 'uarrel, ! setting first on foot the dispute of precedenc, talked
so loud of coming to a !attle, that 5ir William &emple happened to o$erhear them, and ga$e immediate
intelligence to the .ncients, who thereupon drew up their scattered troops together, resol$ing to act upon the
defensi$e" upon which, se$eral of the 1oderns fled o$er to their part, and among the rest &emple himself% &his
&emple, ha$ing !een educated and long con$ersed among the .ncients, was, of all the 1oderns, their greatest
fa$ourite, and !ecame their greatest champion%
&hings were at this crisis when a material accident fell out% (or upon the highest corner of a large window, there
dwelt a certain spider, swollen up to the first magnitude ! the destruction of infinite num!ers of flies, whose
spoils la scattered !efore the gates of his palace, like human !ones !efore the ca$e of some giant% &he a$enues
to his castle were guarded with turnpikes and palisadoes, all after the modern wa of fortification% .fter ou had
passed se$eral courts ou came to the centre, wherein ou might !ehold the consta!le himself in his own
lodgings, which had windows fronting to each a$enue, and ports to sall out upon all occasions of pre or
defence% 0n this mansion he had for some time dwelt in peace and plent, without danger to his person !
swallows from a!o$e, or to his palace ! !rooms from !elow" when it was the pleasure of fortune to conduct
thither a wandering !ee, to whose curiosit a !roken pane in the glass had disco$ered itself, and in he went,
where, expatiating a while, he at last happened to alight upon one of the outward walls of the spider7s citadel"
<
which, ielding to the une'ual weight, sunk down to the $er foundation% &hrice he endea$oured to force his
passage, and thrice the centre shook% &he spider within, feeling the terri!le con$ulsion, supposed at first that
nature was approaching to her final dissolution, or else that #eel)e!u!, with all his legions, was come to
re$enge the death of man thousands of his su!,ects whom his enem had slain and de$oured% Howe$er, he at
length $aliantl resol$ed to issue forth and meet his fate% 1eanwhile the !ee had ac'uitted himself of his toils,
and, posted securel at some distance, was emploed in cleansing his wings, and disengaging them from the
ragged remnants of the co!we!% # this time the spider was ad$entured out, when, !eholding the chasms, the
ruins, and dilapidations of his fortress, he was $er near at his wit7s end" he stormed and swore like a madman,
and swelled till he was read to !urst% .t length, casting his ee upon the !ee, and wisel gathering causes from
e$ents *for the know each other ! sight+, :. plague split ou,; said he" :is it ou, with a $engeance, that ha$e
made this litter here" could not ou look !efore ou, and !e d-d= 9o ou think 0 ha$e nothing else to do *in the
de$il7s name+ !ut to mend and repair after ou=; :3ood words, friend,; said the !ee, ha$ing now pruned
himself, and !eing disposed to droll" :07ll gi$e ou m hand and word to come near our kennel no more" 0 was
ne$er in such a confounded pickle since 0 was !orn%; :5irrah,; replied the spider, :if it were not for !reaking an
old custom in our famil, ne$er to stir a!road against an enem, 0 should come and teach ou !etter manners%;
:0 pra ha$e patience,; said the !ee, :or ou7ll spend our su!stance, and, for aught 0 see, ou ma stand in
need of it all, towards the repair of our house%; :Rogue, rogue,; replied the spider, :et methinks ou should
ha$e more respect to a person whom all the world allows to !e so much our !etters%; :# m troth,; said the
!ee, :the comparison will amount to a $er good ,est, and ou will do me a fa$our to let me know the reasons
that all the world is pleased to use in so hopeful a dispute%; .t this the spider, ha$ing swelled himself into the
si)e and posture of a disputant, !egan his argument in the true spirit of contro$ers, with resolution to !e
heartil scurrilous and angr, to urge on his own reasons without the least regard to the answers or o!,ections of
his opposite, and full predetermined in his mind against all con$iction%
:/ot to disparage mself,; said he, :! the comparison with such a rascal, what art thou !ut a $aga!ond without
house or home, without stock or inheritance= !orn to no possession of our own, !ut a pair of wings and a
drone-pipe% >our li$elihood is a uni$ersal plunder upon nature" a free!ooter o$er fields and gardens" and, for
the sake of stealing, will ro! a nettle as easil as a $iolet% Whereas 0 am a domestic animal, furnished with a
nati$e stock within mself% &his large castle *to show m impro$ements in the mathematics+ is all !uilt with m
own hands, and the materials extracted altogether out of m own person%;
:0 am glad,; answered the !ee, :to hear ou grant at least that 0 am come honestl ! m wings and m $oice"
for then, it seems, 0 am o!liged to Hea$en alone for m flights and m music" and Pro$idence would ne$er ha$e
!estowed on me two such gifts without designing them for the no!lest ends% 0 $isit, indeed, all the flowers and
!lossoms of the field and garden, !ut whate$er 0 collect thence enriches mself without the least in,ur to their
!eaut, their smell, or their taste% /ow, for ou and our skill in architecture and other mathematics, 0 ha$e little
to sa: in that !uilding of ours there might, for aught 0 know, ha$e !een la!our and method enough" !ut, !
woeful experience for us !oth, it is too plain the materials are naught" and 0 hope ou will henceforth take
warning, and consider duration and matter, as well as method and art% >ou !oast, indeed, of !eing o!liged to no
other creature, !ut of drawing and spinning out all from ourself" that is to sa, if we ma ,udge of the li'uor in
the $essel ! what issues out, ou possess a good plentiful store of dirt and poison in our !reast" and, though 0
would ! no means lesson or disparage our genuine stock of either, et 0 dou!t ou are somewhat o!liged, for
an increase of !oth, to a little foreign assistance% >our inherent portion of dirt does not fall of ac'uisitions, !
sweepings exhaled from !elow" and one insect furnishes ou with a share of poison to destro another% 5o that,
in short, the 'uestion comes all to this: whether is the no!ler !eing of the two, that which, ! a la)
contemplation of four inches round, ! an o$erweening pride, feeding, and engendering on itself, turns all into
excrement and $enom, producing nothing at all !ut fl!ane and a co!we!" or that which, ! a uni$ersal range,
with long search, much stud, true ,udgment, and distinction of things, !rings home hone and wax%;
&his dispute was managed with such eagerness, clamour, and warmth, that the two parties of !ooks, in arms
!elow, stood silent a while, waiting in suspense what would !e the issue" which was not long undetermined: for
the !ee, grown impatient at so much loss of time, fled straight awa to a !ed of roses, without looking for a
repl, and left the spider, like an orator, collected in himself, and ,ust prepared to !urst out%
?
0t happened upon this emergenc that .Esop !roke silence first% He had !een of late most !ar!arousl treated
! a strange effect of the regent7s humanit, who had torn off his title-page, sorel defaced one half of his
lea$es, and chained him fast among a shelf of 1oderns% Where, soon disco$ering how high the 'uarrel was
likel to proceed, he tried all his arts, and turned himself to a thousand forms% .t length, in the !orrowed shape
of an ass, the regent mistook him for a 1odern" ! which means he had time and opportunit to escape to the
.ncients, ,ust when the spider and the !ee were entering into their contest" to which he ga$e his attention with a
world of pleasure, and, when it was ended, swore in the loudest ke that in all his life he had ne$er known two
cases, so parallel and adapt to each other as that in the window and this upon the shel$es% :&he disputants,; said
he, :ha$e admira!l managed the dispute !etween them, ha$e taken in the full strength of all that is to !e said
on !oth sides, and exhausted the su!stance of e$er argument PRO and @O/% 0t is !ut to ad,ust the reasonings
of !oth to the present 'uarrel, then to compare and appl the la!ours and fruits of each, as the !ee has learnedl
deduced them, and we shall find the conclusion fall plain and close upon the 1oderns and us% (or pra,
gentlemen, was e$er anthing so modern as the spider in his air, his turns, and his paradoxes= he argues in the
!ehalf of ou, his !rethren, and himself, with man !oastings of his nati$e stock and great genius" that he spins
and spits wholl from himself, and scorns to own an o!ligation or assistance from without% &hen he displas to
ou his great skill in architecture and impro$ement in the mathematics% &o all this the !ee, as an ad$ocate
retained ! us, the .ncients, thinks fit to answer, that, if one ma ,udge of the great genius or in$entions of the
1oderns ! what the ha$e produced, ou will hardl ha$e countenance to !ear ou out in !oasting of either%
Erect our schemes with as much method and skill as ou please" et, if the materials !e nothing !ut dirt, spun
out of our own entrails *the guts of modern !rains+, the edifice will conclude at last in a co!we!" the duration
of which, like that of other spiders7 we!s, ma !e imputed to their !eing forgotten, or neglected, or hid in a
corner% (or anthing else of genuine that the 1oderns ma pretend to, 0 cannot recollect" unless it !e a large
$ein of wrangling and satire, much of a nature and su!stance with the spiders7 poison" which, howe$er the
pretend to spit wholl out of themsel$es, is impro$ed ! the same arts, ! feeding upon the insects and $ermin
of the age% .s for us, the .ncients, we are content with the !ee, to pretend to nothing of our own !eond our
wings and our $oice: that is to sa, our flights and our language% (or the rest, whate$er we ha$e got has !een !
infinite la!our and search, and ranging through e$er corner of nature" the difference is, that, instead of dirt and
poison, we ha$e rather chosen to till our hi$es with hone and wax" thus furnishing mankind with the two
no!lest of things, which are sweetness and light%;
0t is wonderful to concei$e the tumult arisen among the !ooks upon the close of this long descant of .Esop:
!oth parties took the hint, and heightened their animosities so on a sudden, that the resol$ed it should come to
a !attle% 0mmediatel the two main !odies withdrew, under their se$eral ensigns, to the farther parts of the
li!rar, and there entered into ca!als and consults upon the present emergenc% &he 1oderns were in $er warm
de!ates upon the choice of their leaders" and nothing less than the fear impending from their enemies could
ha$e kept them from mutinies upon this occasion% &he difference was greatest among the horse, where e$er
pri$ate trooper pretended to the chief command, from &asso and 1ilton to 9rden and Wither% &he light-horse
were commanded ! @owle and 9espreaux% &here came the !owmen under their $aliant leaders, 9escartes,
3assendi, and Ho!!es" whose strength was such that the could shoot their arrows !eond the atmosphere,
ne$er to fall down again, !ut turn, like that of E$ander, into meteors" or, like the cannon-!all, into stars%
Paracelsus !rought a s'uadron of stinkpot-flingers from the snow mountains of Rhaetia% &here came a $ast
!od of dragoons, of different nations, under the leading of Har$e, their great aga: part armed with scthes, the
weapons of death" part with lances and long kni$es, all steeped in poison" part shot !ullets of a most malignant
nature, and used white powder, which infalli!l killed without report% &here came se$eral !odies of hea$-
armed foot, all mercenaries, under the ensigns of 3uicciardini, 9a$ila, Poldore Vergil, #uchanan, 1ariana,
@amden, and others% &he engineers were commanded ! Regiomontanus and Wilkins% &he rest was a confused
multitude, led ! 5cotus, .'uinas, and #ellarmine" of might !ulk and stature, !ut without either arms, courage,
or discipline% 0n the last place came infinite swarms of calones, a disorderl rout led ! A7Estrange" rogues and
ragamuffins, that follow the camp for nothing !ut the plunder, all without coats to co$er them%
&he arm of the .ncients was much fewer in num!er" Homer led the horse, and Pindar the light-horse" Euclid
was chief engineer" Plato and .ristotle commanded the !owmen" Herodotus and Ai$ the foot" Hippocrates, the
dragoons" the allies, led ! Vossius and &emple, !rought up the rear%
B
.ll things $iolentl tending to a decisi$e !attle, (ame, who much fre'uented, and had a large apartment
formerl assigned her in the regal li!rar, fled up straight to Cupiter, to whom she deli$ered a faithful account of
all that passed !etween the two parties !elow" for among the gods she alwas tells truth% Co$e, in great concern,
con$okes a council in the 1ilk Wa% &he senate assem!led, he declares the occasion of con$ening them" a
!lood !attle ,ust impendent !etween two might armies of ancient and modern creatures, called !ooks,
wherein the celestial interest was !ut too deepl concerned% 1omus, the patron of the 1oderns, made an
excellent speech in their fa$our, which was answered ! Pallas, the protectress of the .ncients% &he assem!l
was di$ided in their affections" when Cupiter commanded the #ook of (ate to !e laid !efore him% 0mmediatel
were !rought ! 1ercur three large $olumes in folio, containing memoirs of all things past, present, and to
come% &he clasps were of sil$er dou!le gilt, the co$ers of celestial turke leather, and the paper such as here on
earth might pass almost for $ellum% Cupiter, ha$ing silentl read the decree, would communicate the import to
none, !ut presentl shut up the !ook%
Without the doors of this assem!l there attended a $ast num!er of light, nim!le gods, menial ser$ants to
Cupiter: those are his ministering instruments in all affairs !elow% &he tra$el in a cara$an, more or less
together, and are fastened to each other like a link of galle-sla$es, ! a light chain, which passes from them to
Cupiter7s great toe: and et, in recei$ing or deli$ering a message, the ma ne$er approach a!o$e the lowest step
of his throne, where he and the whisper to each other through a large hollow trunk% &hese deities are called !
mortal men accidents or e$ents" !ut the gods call them second causes% Cupiter ha$ing deli$ered his message to a
certain num!er of these di$inities, the flew immediatel down to the pinnacle of the regal li!rar, and
consulting a few minutes, entered unseen, and disposed the parties according to their orders%
1eanwhile 1omus, fearing the worst, and calling to mind an ancient prophec which !ore no $er good face to
his children the 1oderns, !ent his flight to the region of a malignant deit called @riticism% 5he dwelt on the top
of a snow mountain in /o$a Dem!la" there 1omus found her extended in her den, upon the spoils of
num!erless $olumes, half de$oured% .t her right hand sat 0gnorance, her father and hus!and, !lind with age" at
her left, Pride, her mother, dressing her up in the scraps of paper herself had torn% &here was Opinion, her sister,
light of foot, hood-winked, and head-strong, et gidd and perpetuall turning% .!out her plaed her children,
/oise and 0mpudence, 9ulness and Vanit, Positi$eness, Pedantr, and 0ll-manners% &he goddess herself had
claws like a cat" her head, and ears, and $oice resem!led those of an ass" her teeth fallen out !efore, her ees
turned inward, as if she looked onl upon herself" her diet was the o$erflowing of her own gall" her spleen was
so large as to stand prominent, like a dug of the first rate" nor wanted excrescences in form of teats, at which a
crew of ugl monsters were greedil sucking" and, what is wonderful to concei$e, the !ulk of spleen increased
faster than the sucking could diminish it% :3oddess,; said 1omus, :can ou sit idl here while our de$out
worshippers, the 1oderns, are this minute entering into a cruel !attle, and perhaps now ling under the swords
of their enemies= who then hereafter will e$er sacrifice or !uild altars to our di$inities= Haste, therefore, to the
#ritish 0sle, and, if possi!le, pre$ent their destruction" while 0 make factions among the gods, and gain them
o$er to our part%;
1omus, ha$ing thus deli$ered himself, staed not for an answer, !ut left the goddess to her own resentment% 4p
she rose in a rage, and, as it is the form on such occasions, !egan a solilo'u: :0t is 0; *said she+ :who gi$e
wisdom to infants and idiots" ! me children grow wiser than their parents, ! me !eaux !ecome politicians,
and school!os ,udges of philosoph" ! me sophisters de!ate and conclude upon the depths of knowledge" and
coffee-house wits, instinct ! me, can correct an author7s stle, and displa his minutest errors, without
understanding a slla!le of his matter or his language" ! me striplings spend their ,udgment, as the do their
estate, !efore it comes into their hands% 0t is 0 who ha$e deposed wit and knowledge from their empire o$er
poetr, and ad$anced mself in their stead% .nd shall a few upstart .ncients dare to oppose me= #ut come, m
aged parent, and ou, m children dear, and thou, m !eauteous sister" let us ascend m chariot, and haste to
assist our de$out 1oderns, who are now sacrificing to us a hecatom!, as 0 percei$e ! that grateful smell which
from thence reaches m nostrils%;
&he goddess and her train, ha$ing mounted the chariot, which was drawn ! tame geese, flew o$er infinite
regions, shedding her influence in due places, till at length she arri$ed at her !elo$ed island of #ritain" !ut in
ho$ering o$er its metropolis, what !lessings did she not let fall upon her seminaries of 3resham and @o$ent-
gardenE .nd now she reached the fatal plain of 5t% Cames7s li!rar, at what time the two armies were upon the
F
point to engage" where, entering with all her cara$an unseen, and landing upon a case of shel$es, now desert,
!ut once inha!ited ! a colon of $irtuosos, she staed awhile to o!ser$e the posture of !oth armies%
#ut here the tender cares of a mother !egan to fill her thoughts and mo$e in her !reast: for at the head of a troup
of 1odern !owmen she cast her ees upon her son Wotton, to whom the fates had assigned a $er short thread%
Wotton, a oung hero, whom an unknown father of mortal race !egot ! stolen em!races with this goddess% He
was the darling of his mother a!o$e all her children, and she resol$ed to go and comfort him% #ut first,
according to the good old custom of deities, she cast a!out to change her shape, for fear the di$init of her
countenance might da))le his mortal sight and o$ercharge the rest of his senses% 5he therefore gathered up her
person into an octa$o compass: her !od grow white and arid, and split in pieces with drness" the thick turned
into paste!oard, and the thin into paper" upon which her parents and children artfull strewed a !lack ,uice, or
decoction of gall and soot, in form of letters: her head, and $oice, and spleen, kept their primiti$e form" and that
which !efore was a co$er of skin did still continue so% 0n this guise she marched on towards the 1oderns,
indistinguisha!le in shape and dress from the di$ine #entle, Wotton7s dearest friend% :#ra$e Wotton,; said the
goddess, :wh do our troops stand idle here, to spend their present $igour and opportunit of the da= awa, let
us haste to the generals, and ad$ise to gi$e the onset immediatel%; Ha$ing spoke thus, she took the ugliest of
her monsters, full glutted from her spleen, and flung it in$isi!l into his mouth, which, fling straight up into
his head, s'uee)ed out his ee-!alls, ga$e him a distorted look, and half-o$erturned his !rain% &hen she
pri$atel ordered two of her !elo$ed children, 9ulness and 0ll-manners, closel to attend his person in all
encounters% Ha$ing thus accoutred him, she $anished in a mist, and the hero percei$ed it was the goddess his
mother%
&he destined hour of fate !eing now arri$ed, the fight !egan" whereof, !efore 0 dare ad$enture to make a
particular description, 0 must, after the example of other authors, petition for a hundred tongues, and mouths,
and hands, and pens, which would all !e too little to perform so immense a work% 5a, goddess, that presidest
o$er histor, who it was that first ad$anced in the field of !attleE Paracelsus, at the head of his dragoons,
o!ser$ing 3alen in the ad$erse wing, darted his ,a$elin with a might force, which the !ra$e .ncient recei$ed
upon his shield, the point !reaking in the second fold % % % H0@ P.4@. % % % % 9E54/&
&he !ore the wounded aga on their shields to his chariot % % % 9E54/& % % % /O//4AA.% % % %
&hen .ristotle, o!ser$ing #acon ad$ance with a furious mien, drew his !ow to the head, and let fl his arrow,
which missed the $aliant 1odern and went whi))ing o$er his head" !ut 9escartes it hit" the steel point 'uickl
found a defect in his head-piece" it pierced the leather and the paste!oard, and went in at his right ee% &he
torture of the pain whirled the $aliant !ow-man round till death, like a star of superior influence, drew him into
his own $ortex 0/3E/5 H0.&45 % % % % H0@ 0/ 15% % % % % % % % % when Homer appeared at the head of the ca$alr,
mounted on a furious horse, with difficult managed ! the rider himself, !ut which no other mortal durst
approach" he rode among the enem7s ranks, and !ore down all !efore him% 5a, goddess, whom he slew first
and whom he slew lastE (irst, 3ondi!ert ad$anced against him, clad in hea$ armour and mounted on a staid
so!er gelding, not so famed for his speed as his docilit in kneeling whene$er his rider would mount or alight%
He had made a $ow to Pallas that he would ne$er lea$e the field till he had spoiled Homer of his armour:
madman, who had ne$er once seen the wearer, nor understood his strengthE Him Homer o$erthrew, horse and
man, to the ground, there to !e trampled and choked in the dirt% &hen with a long spear he slew 9enham, a stout
1odern, who from his father7s side deri$ed his lineage from .pollo, !ut his mother was of mortal race% He fell,
and !it the earth% &he celestial part .pollo took, and made it a star" !ut the terrestrial la wallowing upon the
ground% &hen Homer slew 5am Wesle with a kick of his horse7s heel" he took Perrault ! might force out of
his saddle, then hurled him at (ontenelle, with the same !low dashing out !oth their !rains%
On the left wing of the horse Virgil appeared, in shining armour, completel fitted to his !od" he was mounted
on a dapple-gre steed, the slowness of whose pace was an effect of the highest mettle and $igour% He cast his
ee on the ad$erse wing, with a desire to find an o!,ect worth of his $alour, when !ehold upon a sorrel gelding
of a monstrous si)e appeared a foe, issuing from among the thickest of the enem7s s'uadrons" !ut his speed
was less than his noise" for his horse, old and lean, spent the dregs of his strength in a high trot, which, though it
made slow ad$ances, et caused a loud clashing of his armour, terri!le to hear% &he two ca$aliers had now
approached within the throw of a lance, when the stranger desired a parle, and, lifting up the $isor of his
G
helmet, a face hardl appeared from within which, after a pause, was known for that of the renowned 9rden%
&he !ra$e .ncient suddenl started, as one possessed with surprise and disappointment together" for the helmet
was nine times too large for the head, which appeared situate far in the hinder part, e$en like the lad in a
lo!ster, or like a mouse under a canop of state, or like a shri$elled !eau from within the penthouse of a modern
periwig" and the $oice was suited to the $isage, sounding weak and remote% 9rden, in a long harangue, soothed
up the good .ncient" called him father, and, ! a large deduction of genealogies, made it plainl appear that
the were nearl related% &hen he hum!l proposed an exchange of armour, as a lasting mark of hospitalit
!etween them% Virgil consented *for the goddess 9iffidence came unseen, and cast a mist !efore his ees+,
though his was of gold and cost a hundred !ee$es, the other7s !ut of rust iron% Howe$er, this glittering armour
!ecame the 1odern et worsen than his own% &hen the agreed to exchange horses" !ut, when it came to the
trial, 9rden was afraid and utterl una!le to mount% % % .A&ER H0.&45 % % % % 0/ 15%
Aucan appeared upon a fier horse of admira!le shape, !ut headstrong, !earing the rider where he list o$er the
field" he made a might slaughter among the enem7s horse" which destruction to stop, #lackmore, a famous
1odern *!ut one of the mercenaries+, strenuousl opposed himself, and darted his ,a$elin with a strong hand,
which, falling short of its mark, struck deep in the earth% &hen Aucan threw a lance" !ut .Esculapius came
unseen and turned off the point% :#ra$e 1odern,; said Aucan, :0 percei$e some god protects ou, for ne$er did
m arm so decei$e me !efore: !ut what mortal can contend with a god= &herefore, let us fight no longer, !ut
present gifts to each other%; Aucan then !estowed on the 1odern a pair of spurs, and #lackmore ga$e Aucan a
!ridle% % % % P.4@. 9E54/&% % % % % % % %
@reech: !ut the goddess 9ulness took a cloud, formed into the shape of Horace, armed and mounted, and placed
in a fling posture !efore him% 3lad was the ca$alier to !egin a com!at with a fling foe, and pursued the
image, threatening aloud" till at last it led him to the peaceful !ower of his father, Ogle!, ! whom he was
disarmed and assigned to his repose%
&hen Pindar slew , and and Oldham, and , and .fra the .ma)on, light of foot" ne$er ad$ancing in a
direct line, !ut wheeling with incredi!le agilit and force, he made a terri!le slaughter among the enem7s light-
horse% Him when @owle o!ser$ed, his generous heart !urnt within him, and he ad$anced against the fierce
.ncient, imitating his address, his pace, and career, as well as the $igour of his horse and his own skill would
allow% When the two ca$aliers had approached within the length of three ,a$elins, first @owle threw a lance,
which missed Pindar, and, passing into the enem7s ranks, fell ineffectual to the ground% &hen Pindar darted a
,a$elin so large and weight, that scarce a do)en @a$aliers, as ca$aliers are in our degenerate das, could raise it
from the ground" et he threw it with ease, and it went, ! an unerring hand, singing through the air" nor could
the 1odern ha$e a$oided present death if he had not luckil opposed the shield that had !een gi$en him !
Venus% .nd now !oth heroes drew their swords" !ut the 1odern was so aghast and disordered that he knew not
where he was" his shield dropped from his hands" thrice he fled, and thrice he could not escape% .t last he
turned, and lifting up his hand in the posture of a suppliant, :3odlike Pindar,; said he, :spare m life, and
possess m horse, with these arms, !eside the ransom which m friends will gi$e when the hear 0 am ali$e and
our prisoner%; :9ogE; said Pindar, :let our ransom sta with our friends" !ut our carcase shall !e left for
the fowls of the air and the !easts of the field%; With that he raised his sword, and, with a might stroke, cleft
the wretched 1odern in twain, the sword pursuing the !low" and one half la panting on the ground, to !e trod
in pieces ! the horses7 feet" the other half was !orne ! the frighted steed through the field% &his Venus took,
washed it se$en times in am!rosia, then struck it thrice with a sprig of amaranth" upon which the leather grow
round and soft, and the lea$es turned into feathers, and, !eing gilded !efore, continued gilded still" so it !ecame
a do$e, and she harnessed it to her chariot% % % % % % % % H0.&45 V.A9E 9E- % % % % (AE/945 0/ 15%
THE E&ISODE OF BENTLE AND !OTTON%
9a !eing far spent, and the numerous forces of the 1oderns half inclining to a retreat, there issued forth, from
a s'uadron of their hea$-armed foot, a captain whose name was #entle, the most deformed of all the
1oderns" tall, !ut without shape or comeliness" large, !ut without strength or proportion% His armour was
patched up of a thousand incoherent pieces, and the sound of it, as he marched, was loud and dr, like that made
! the fall of a sheet of lead, which an Etesian wind !lows suddenl down from the roof of some steeple% His
helmet was of old rust iron, !ut the $i)or was !rass, which, tainted ! his !reath, corrupted into copperas, nor
H
wanted gall from the same fountain, so that, whene$er pro$oked ! anger or la!our, an atramentous 'ualit, of
most malignant nature, was seen to distil from his lips% 0n his right hand he grasped a flail, and *that he might
ne$er !e unpro$ided of an offensi$e weapon+ a $essel full of ordure in his left% &hus completel armed, he
ad$anced with a slow and hea$ pace where the 1odern chiefs were holding a consult upon the sum of things,
who, as he came onwards, laughed to !ehold his crooked leg and humped shoulder, which his !oot and armour,
$ainl endea$ouring to hide, were forced to compl with and expose% &he generals made use of him for his
talent of railing, which, kept within go$ernment, pro$ed fre'uentl of great ser$ice to their cause, !ut, at other
times, did more mischief than good" for, at the least touch of offence, and often without an at all, he would,
like a wounded elephant, con$ert it against his leaders% 5uch, at this ,uncture, was the disposition of #entle,
grie$ed to see the enem pre$ail, and dissatisfied with e$er!od7s conduct !ut his own% He hum!l ga$e the
1odern generals to understand that he concei$ed, with great su!mission, the were all a pack of rogues, and
fools, and confounded logger-heads, and illiterate whelps, and nonsensical scoundrels" that, if himself had !een
constituted general, those presumptuous dogs, the .ncients, would long !efore this ha$e !een !eaten out of the
field% :>ou,; said he, :sit here idle, !ut when 0, or an other $aliant 1odern kill an enem, ou are sure to sei)e
the spoil% #ut 0 will not march one foot against the foe till ou all swear to me that whome$er 0 take or kill, his
arms 0 shall 'uietl possess%; #entle ha$ing spoken thus, 5caliger, !estowing him a sour look, :1iscreant
praterE; said he, :elo'uent onl in thine own ees, thou railest without wit, or truth, or discretion% &he malignit
of th temper per$erteth nature" th learning makes thee more !ar!arous" th stud of humanit more inhuman"
th con$erse among poets more gro$elling, mir, and dull% .ll arts of ci$ilising others render thee rude and
untracta!le" courts ha$e taught thee ill manners, and polite con$ersation has finished thee a pedant% #esides, a
greater coward !urdeneth not the arm% #ut ne$er despond" 0 pass m word, whate$er spoil thou takest shall
certainl !e th own" though 0 hope that $ile carcase will first !ecome a pre to kites and worms%;
#entle durst not repl, !ut, half choked with spleen and rage, withdrew, in full resolution of performing some
great achie$ement% With him, for his aid and companion, he took his !elo$ed Wotton, resol$ing ! polic or
surprise to attempt some neglected 'uarter of the .ncients7 arm% &he !egan their march o$er carcases of their
slaughtered friends" then to the right of their own forces" then wheeled northward, till the came to
.ldro$andus7s tom!, which the passed on the side of the declining sun% .nd now the arri$ed, with fear,
toward the enem7s out-guards, looking a!out, if hapl the might sp the 'uarters of the wounded, or some
straggling sleepers, unarmed and remote from the rest% .s when two mongrel curs, whom nati$e greediness and
domestic want pro$oke and ,oin in partnership, though fearful, nightl to in$ade the folds of some rich gra)ier,
the, with tails depressed and lolling tongues, creep soft and slow% 1eanwhile the conscious moon, now in her
)enith, on their guilt heads darts perpendicular ras" nor dare the !ark, though much pro$oked at her refulgent
$isage, whether seen in puddle ! reflection or in sphere direct" !ut one sur$es the region round, while the
other scouts the plain, if hapl to disco$er, at distance from the flock, some carcase half de$oured, the refuse of
gorged wol$es or ominous ra$ens% 5o marched this lo$el, lo$ing pair of friends, nor with less fear and
circumspection, when at a distance the might percei$e two shining suits of armour hanging upon an oak, and
the owners not far off in a profound sleep% &he two friends drew lots, and the pursuing of this ad$enture fell to
#entle" on he went, and in his $an @onfusion and .ma)e, while Horror and .ffright !rought up the rear% .s he
came near, !ehold two heroes of the .ncient arm, Phalaris and .Esop, la fast asleep% #entle would fain
ha$e despatched them !oth, and, stealing close, aimed his flail at Phalaris7s !reast" !ut then the goddess
.ffright, interposing, caught the 1odern in her ic arms, and dragged him from the danger she foresaw" !oth
the dormant heroes happened to turn at the same instant, though soundl sleeping, and !us in a dream% (or
Phalaris was ,ust that minute dreaming how a most $ile poetaster had lampooned him, and how he had got him
roaring in his !ull% .nd .Esop dreamed that as he and the .ncient were ling on the ground, a wild ass !roke
loose, ran a!out, trampling and kicking in their faces% #entle, lea$ing the two heroes asleep, sei)ed on !oth
their armours, and withdrew in 'uest of his darling Wotton%
He, in the meantime, had wandered long in search of some enterprise, till at length he arri$ed at a small ri$ulet
that issued from a fountain hard !, called, in the language of mortal men, Helicon% Here he stopped, and,
parched with thirst, resol$ed to alla it in this limpid stream% &hrice with profane hands he essaed to raise the
water to his lips, and thrice it slipped all through his fingers% &hen he stopped prone on his !reast, !ut, ere his
mouth had kissed the li'uid crstal, .pollo came, and in the channel held his shield !etwixt the 1odern and the
fountain, so that he drew up nothing !ut mud% (or, although no fountain on earth can compare with the clearness
of Helicon, et there lies at !ottom a thick sediment of slime and mud" for so .pollo !egged of Cupiter, as a
I
punishment to those who durst attempt to taste it with unhallowed lips, and for a lesson to all not to draw too
deep or far from the spring%
.t the fountain-head Wotton discerned two heroes" the one he could not distinguish, !ut the other was soon
known for &emple, general of the allies to the .ncients% His !ack was turned, and he was emploed in drinking
large draughts in his helmet from the fountain, where he had withdrawn himself to rest from the toils of the war%
Wotton, o!ser$ing him, with 'uaking knees and trem!ling hands, spoke thus to himself: O that 0 could kill this
destroer of our arm, what renown should 0 purchase among the chiefsE !ut to issue out against him, man
against man, shield against shield, and lance against lance, what 1odern of us dare= for he fights like a god, and
Pallas or .pollo are e$er at his el!ow% #ut, O motherE if what (ame reports !e true, that 0 am the son of so great
a goddess, grant me to hit &emple with this lance, that the stroke ma send him to hell, and that 0 ma return in
safet and triumph, laden with his spoils% &he first part of this praer the gods granted at the intercession of his
mother and of 1omus" !ut the rest, ! a per$erse wind sent from (ate, was scattered in the air% &hen Wotton
grasped his lance, and, !randishing it thrice o$er his head, darted it with all his might" the goddess, his mother,
at the same time adding strength to his arm% .wa the lance went hi))ing, and reached e$en to the !elt of the
a$erted .ncient, upon which, lightl gra)ing, it fell to the ground% &emple neither felt the weapon touch him nor
heard it fall: and Wotton might ha$e escaped to his arm, with the honour of ha$ing remitted his lance against
so great a leader unre$enged" !ut .pollo, enraged that a ,a$elin flung ! the assistance of so foul a goddess
should pollute his fountain, put on the shape of , and softl came to oung #ole, who then accompanied
&emple: he pointed first to the lance, then to the distant 1odern that flung it, and commanded the oung hero to
take immediate re$enge% #ole, clad in a suit of armour which had !een gi$en him ! all the gods, immediatel
ad$anced against the trem!ling foe, who now fled !efore him% .s a oung lion in the Ai!an plains, or .ra!
desert, sent ! his aged sire to hunt for pre, or health, or exercise, he scours along, wishing to meet some tiger
from the mountains, or a furious !oar" if chance a wild ass, with !raings importune, affronts his ear, the
generous !east, though loathing to distain his claws with !lood so $ile, et, much pro$oked at the offensi$e
noise, which Echo, foolish nmph, like her ill-,udging sex, repeats much louder, and with more delight than
Philomela7s song, he $indicates the honour of the forest, and hunts the nois long-eared animal% 5o Wotton fled,
so #ole pursued% #ut Wotton, hea$-armed, and slow of foot, !egan to slack his course, when his lo$er
#entle appeared, returning laden with the spoils of the two sleeping .ncients% #ole o!ser$ed him well, and
soon disco$ering the helmet and shield of Phalaris his friend, !oth which he had latel with his own hands new
polished and gilt, rage sparkled in his ees, and, lea$ing his pursuit after Wotton, he furiousl rushed on against
this new approacher% (ain would he !e re$enged on !oth" !ut !oth now fled different was: and, as a woman in
a little house that gets a painful li$elihood ! spinning, if chance her geese !e scattered o7er the common, she
courses round the plain from side to side, compelling here and there the stragglers to the flock" the cackle loud,
and flutter o7er the champaign" so #ole pursued, so fled this pair of friends: finding at length their flight was
$ain, the !ra$el ,oined, and drew themsel$es in phalanx% (irst #entle threw a spear with all his force, hoping
to pierce the enem7s !reast" !ut Pallas came unseen, and in the air took off the point, and clapped on one of
lead, which, after a dead !ang against the enem7s shield, fell !lunted to the ground% &hen #ole, o!ser$ing
well his time, took up a lance of wondrous length and sharpness" and, as this pair of friends compacted, stood
close side ! side, he wheeled him to the right, and, with unusual force, darted the weapon% #entle saw his fate
approach, and flanking down his arms close to his ri!s, hoping to sa$e his !od, in went the point, passing
through arm and side, nor stopped or spent its force till it had also pierced the $aliant Wotton, who, going to
sustain his ding friend, shared his fate% .s when a skilful cook has trussed a !race of woodcocks, he with iron
skewer pierces the tender sides of !oth, their legs and wings close pinioned to the ri!" so was this pair of friends
transfixed, till down the fell, ,oined in their li$es, ,oined in their deaths" so closel ,oined that @haron would
mistake them !oth for one, and waft them o$er 5tx for half his fare% (arewell, !elo$ed, lo$ing pair" few e'uals
ha$e ou left !ehind: and happ and immortal shall ou !e, if all m wit and elo'uence can make ou%
.nd now% % % %
9E54/& @OE&ER.%
2J