Dont You Remember

by
Commen_sense

Kurtbastian I Angst I Romance I NC-17

Kurt wakes up 10 years in the future. He finds out that he recently had an accident and
everyones been really worried about him. Hes desperately upset to discover that hes
married, of all people, to Sebastian Smythe. The last interaction he had with the boy that he
can recall, is throwing the tape at the boy, the one of him admitting to tampering with the
slushy that hit Blaine.
http://glee-kink-meme.livejournal.com/26585.html?thread=31640281#t31640281 http://jinglebastian.tumblr.com/
http://commenalitys.livejournal.com/
Ebook by: http://kurtbastianpdfs.tumblr.com


2

Contends

Part 1 - 004 -
Part 2 - 009 -
Part 3 - 013 -
Part 4 - 017 -
Part 5 - 021 -
Part 6 - 026 -
Part 7 - 030 -
Part 8 - 034 -
Part 9 - 039 -
Part 10 - 042 -
Part 11 - 045 -
Part 12 - 050 -
Part 13 - 054 -
Part 14 - 058 -
Part 15 - 061 -
Part 16 - 069 -
Part 17 - 071 -
Part 18 - 076 -
Part 19 - 079 -
Part 20 - 083 -
Part 21 - 085 -
Part 22 - 091 -
3

Part 23 - 094 -
Part 24 - 099 -
Part 25 - 103 -
Part 26 - 107 -
Part 27 - 113 -
Part 28 - 116 -
Part 29 - 122 -
Part 30 - 128 -
Part 31 - 137 -
Part 32 - 150 -
Part 33 - 162 -
Part 34 - 173 -
Part 35 - 186 -
Part 36 - 195 -
Part 37 - 211 -
Part 38 - 220 -
Part 39 - 236 -
Part 40 - 249 -


4

Part 1
Sebastian was woken up by the shrill sound of his cell phone. The ringtone was harsh
enough to wake the dead, a purposeful move on Sebastians part to ensure that no
matter how deep of a sleep he may have fallen into, he woke up when the phone rang.
He grabbed for it, his voice hoarse when he said, Hello?

Sebastian, it was Burt. Good news kiddo. Kurts awake.

Sebastian swung his feet off the bed and stood up fast enough for his vision to swim.
Ignoring the sudden disorientation, he stumbled towards the bathroom, phone still
pressed against his ear. Ill be there in fifteen minutes.

_

Sebastian flew through the hospital corridors, hastily acknowledging the nods he got
from the nurses who were by now well acquainted with his face. They were smiling at
him with a knowing look and it only made Sebastians heart speed up and his desire to
see Kurt heighten.

When he got to Kurts room, he found Blaine waiting outside. He grinned when he saw
Sebastian and Sebastian could see that his eyes were rimmed red from crying. Sebastian
knew that Kurts accident had been hard for Blaine. Their breakup in junior year of
college hadnt impacted their friendship at all and the two were still as close as they had
been when Sebastian had first met them. Blaine was an important part of both his and
Kurts life, probably the only person apart from Kurt who Sebastian could confidently call
a friend. He had been there for Sebastian throughout the seven weeks Kurt had been
unconscious. If it hadnt been for Blaine and Burt, Sebastian would have cracked under
the stress not two days after the accident.

Hey, Blaine said when Sebastian finally reached him. I just got here. Burts inside, the
doctors talking to them. He told us to wait just a couple more minutes until hes done
checking up on Kurt.

Sebastian nodded and leaned down to draw Blaine into a tight hug, inhaling deeply.
Blaine smelled like hospital corridors and stale coffee but Sebastian still turned his face
into his neck, his heart feeling light. Hes okay, he whispered shakily into Blaines ear, a
lump forming in his throat. Kurts okay.

I know, Blaine replied with a small laugh, patting his back. I told you he would be.

Sebastian pulled back. I cant thank you enough for being here. I dont know what I
would have done without you, killer.

Hey, none of that okay. What kind of friend would I be if I wasnt here for you guys
when you needed me?

Sebastian looked away from Blaines shining eyes to the window of Kurts room. He could
see the outline of Doctor Hendricks and Burt standing over Kurts bed through the blinds.
Kurt was sitting propped up on some pillows but his face was obscured by Burts form. It
5

made Sebastian even more impatient and he tapped his foot and crossed his arms,
turning back to Blaine.

Trust Kurt to wake up when Im not here, Sebastian said, shaking his head. He
couldnt have chosen a time when I was sitting vigil by his bedside? Now Im going to get
endless crap about how I wasnt there when he woke up.

Youre looking forward to every teasing comment arent you? Blaine asked with a
smile.

Obviously.

Sebastian was just about to ignore the doctors request and barge in to Kurts room when
the door opened and Burt came out. The look on his face made Sebastians grin waver
and his stomach clench. Whats wrong?

Kurts fine, Burt said but his brow was still creased. Hes just he uh.

Burt, what is it? Sebastian demanded.

Burt looked at him hesitantly. He seems to have lost a great chunk of his memory.

How big a chunk? Sebastian asked slowly.

Burt took a deep breath. About ten years. Still thinks hes 18.

Sebastian felt as if someone had punched him in the gut. You mean he he doesnt
remember at all?

Burts answer was interrupted by Doctor Hendricks walking out. She gave them all a brief
smile before saying, Hes asking for Blaine.
Sebastian felt tears welling up in his eyes, hot and stinging. Blaine met his gaze looking
panicked and slightly guilty but he walked past the doctor into the room where Kurt was
waiting for him. Sebastian was vaguely aware of Burts hand on his arm and the doctor
explaining how memory loss was sometimes common amongst head injury victims but all
Sebastian could think of was Kurt inside the hospital room. A Kurt who probably didnt
even care that Sebastian was standing outside desperate to see him, a Kurt who still
thought he was eighteen, at the peak of his love for Blaine and resentment for
Sebastian.

Mr. Smythe, I know this is hard but -

Youre fucking right its hard! Sebastian snapped, his whole body shaking. My husband
just had ten years of his memory wiped.

Mr. Smythe, please. This is a hospital. You need to -

Dont tell me what I need to do -

Sebastian, take a deep breath, son. Burt said, tightening his grip on Sebastians arm.
6

Sebastian looked at him and saw the sympathy and understanding in his eyes. He knew.
Burt knew exactly what this situation meant for Sebastian.

Kurt seems stable for the time being, were going to run some tests and keep him here
for maybe a night or two more just to make sure everythings fine. Doctor Hendricks
said once Sebastian had taken three shaky breaths. The memory loss is by no means
permanent, she said gently looking straight at Sebastian. Theres more than a ninety
five percent chance that hell recover his memories over time. You just need to find the
right prompt. But until then, try and take things slowly. It can be overwhelming to find
out that youve missed ten years of your life. Its hard for the families but its equally
hard, if not more, for the patient.

Sebastian nodded, lips pressed together. Can I go see him? he asked, forcing his voice
to remain steady.

Of course, just remember to be gentle.

Sebastian frowned. By gentle you mean... he trailed off, narrowing his eyes when Burt
and Doctor Hendricks exchanged a look. Great. Sebastian said, shaking his head and
fighting back more tears. Really great. So now Im not even allowed to tell him that Im
his husband?

All the doctor means here, kid is that dropping such a big bomb on Kurt isnt really the
smartest thing to do right now. Burt said. Just, take it slow for the moment.

Sebastian closed his eyes and took another deep breath. He could stand here and keep
arguing but he desperately wanted to do was see Kurt. Fine, he said. Whatever.

The second his hand closed on the doorknob of Kurts room, his heart started beating
wildly in his chest. Neither of the rooms occupants noticed him enter and Sebastian took
advantage of the fact to just take in the sight of Kurt. (Alive. Hes alive. Hes alright.)

Kurt and Blaines hands were twined together on the bed between them. Any other time,
Sebastian wouldnt have thought about it twice, he was so used to their level of physical
comfort with each other. But knowing that right now, Kurt in his mind was madly in love
with Blaine, the gesture felt like a punch to Sebastians heart.

Kurt finally caught sight of him standing there and frowned. Sebastian? The sound of
Kurt taking his name after so long almost broke him right then and there but Sebastian
forced himself to remain calm for Kurts sake.

Blaine turned around at the mention of his name and Sebastian noticed how he discreetly
pulled his hand away from Kurts.

What are you doing here? Kurt asked.

Im here to see you, idiot. Sebastian replied.

Why would you care about - Kurt paused, Wait. Did you have anything to do with my
accident?
7


What, no. Sebastian said, walking up to stand beside where Blaine was sitting. Why
would you think that?

What other reason would you have to come see me?

How about because youre my husband? Because weve been together for seven years?
Because we've been married for two?

Sebastian swallowed the lump in his throat. In the future - god that sounds stupid, he
said, his body starting to quiver again. He rubbed his forehead with his palm, catching
the cold sweat beading there before he forced a smile on his face. We dont hate each
other as much as we used to.
Im going to go call Rachel. Blaine said suddenly, standing up. I couldnt get through
to her last time I tried. Shell want to know Kurts awake.

Sebastian frowned. Rachel already knew. She had called him minutes after Burt had and
said she was so sorry she couldnt get out of rehearsals to come to the hospital
immediately but she would be there as soon as they were over. There was no way Blaine
didnt know that. Sebastian couldnt stop a small, grateful smile from spreading across
his face when he realized Blaine was probably using the excuse to give him and Kurt
some time alone.

Wait, no. Dont go. Kurt said, grabbing Blaines wrist. Blaine hesitated but gently pulled
himself free of Kurts grip. Ill be just a second, he said softly.

Sebastian waited until the door shut behind Blaine to take his vacated seat next to the
bed. Kurt was looking at him curiously. How are you feeling? he asked, resisting the
urge to reach out and take Kurts hand like Blaine had.

Confused. Kurt said. So were what, were friends?

Thats one way of putting it, Sebastian said, unable to hide the sadness in his voice.

Wow, Kurt breathed. How did that happen?

Funny story, actually. Sebastian said with a small grin.

The last I remember of you is after youd assaulted Blaine with that rock salt slushie.
Were decidedly not friends. Or at least... we werent. I dont know I - Kurt dropped his
head into his hands and let out a frustrated huff. Ugh, I cant remember anything.

Dont pressure yourself too much. Sebastian said. He didnt even realize he was
reaching for Kurts hand until his palm was draped over the backs of Kurts fingers. Kurt
tensed and immediately pulled his hand away. Sebastian tried to stop the hurt from
showing on his face.
Can you please send my dad in? Kurt asked, not meeting Sebastians gaze.

Sebastian stood up and nodded, ignoring the sinking feeling inside him. Yeah. Yeah,
sure.
8

_

Sebastian stayed at the hospital while the doctors ran their tests. He took a seat at the
far end of the waiting room and listened to Blaine apologize over and over until Sebastian
finally snapped and told him to shut up; it wasnt his fault that Kurt had lost his memory
and that he was still helplessly in love with Blaine.

He kept twisting the wedding band on his finger, as if twisting it enough would turn the
clocks in Kurts mind back to the current time and make him remember everything.

It was cruel joke. All of it. That Kurt would forget the precise years where he and
Sebastian had developed a close friendship, fell in love and decided to stay together
other until death do them part. That he would rewind back to a time where Sebastian
meant nothing to him, when he was just an irritant in his path. When their interactions
were filled with nothing but insults flinging back and forth.

Sebastian wasnt aware that he was crying, not until he felt a hand on his shaking back
and looked up to see Blaines looking at him with glassy eyes.

Sebastian didnt want to be around him at the moment, couldnt bear to look at him
without thinking of how Kurt saw him. But he couldnt help himself from leaning against
him either. He lay his head on Blaines shoulder and let his tears continue to fall silently.

9

Part 2
Burt came out after a while and told Blaine that Kurt was asking if he was around again.
Blaine gave Sebastian another guilty look (he was starting to get really irritated by them)
before he left. Sebastian didnt miss the way his steps were brisk, impatient to see his
best friend. If Sebastian hadnt been forced to stay in the waiting room with a cup of the
hospitals cheap coffee, he would have smiled at him, teased him until Blaine blushed and
told him to shut up.

Hows he doing? Sebastian asked as Burt sat down beside him. He looked tired, his
stubble flecked with specks of white and his eyes watery either from crying or lack of
sleep.

Hes fine, still a little woozy from the meds. Had a lot of questions. Told him I would
answer all of them once the doctor finished their stupid tests.

Did he ask about me? Sebastian asked in a hopeful voice.

Burt gave him a sympathetic look. He asked me if you two becoming friends was the
weirdest thing to happen to him in ten years.

Sebastian smiled a little, What did you say?

No, Burt said with a small grin. Wait till he finds out youre married.

Sebastians shoulders slumped and he put his head in his hands. I cant believe he
doesnt remember.

I gotta give it to you, youre handling this better than I would under the same
circumstances. Burt said. I cant imagine how badly you must want to be with him right
now.

Sebastian was quiet for a moment. He was right; nobody could imagine the pain
Sebastian was going through. It was nothing short of torture watching how people Kurt
had worked with for barely six months got to see him while Sebastian was forced to sit in
the waiting room because he couldnt confuse Kurt with their friendship while he was
still coming to terms with his current situation.

Break things down slowly, Doctor Hendricks had said. Preferably have someone he
trusts answer his question, she had looked at Sebastian with a smile at the words. A
smile that Sebastian hadnt returned because the last person Kurt had trusted at
eighteen had been him. Doctor Hendricks knew Sebastian was Kurts husband, she didnt
know that he had also been the one person Kurt had hated with a fierce passion at one
point in his life. The same point he was stuck in at the moment. All she was concerned
with was that they didnt freak Kurt out with the news that he was married when really, it
was more the fact that he was married to Sebastian that would freak him out more than
anything.

Sebastian? Burt laid a hand on Sebastians back like Blaine had and Sebastian sat up,
unable to stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks when he looked at his father in
10

law.

Hes my husband, Burt. I was the one they called after the accident, I was the one who
held his hand every night and begged him to come back to me. I should be the one he
asks for not - Not Blaine. Sebastian took a shuddering breath. I feel like I saw him
more when he was unconscious.

Sebastian felt guilt wash through him in waves when a voice in his head said that he
would rather have Kurt unconscious if that meant he got to see him again, touch him
again, whisper everything he would only ever tell Kurt.
Blaine came out of Kurts room fifteen minutes before the visiting hours ended. Come
on, he said to Sebastian. Im taking you home.

What? No. Im family. Im staying.

Sebastian, youre exhausted and - Blaine hesitated.

And Kurt couldnt care less if I stayed, right? Sebastian asked in a bitter voice. So
might as well go home and have a good nights sleep while my husband goes on
believing that Im still the jerk I was in high school who just happens to be a friend now.

Blaine sighed and sat down next to Sebastian. Burts going to talk to him tonight, he
said. Once hes got the basics down, itll be easier for him to process everything else.

I know Blaine, I heard the doctor. Sebastian knew he was being kind of a bastard to
Blaine right now but he couldnt bring himself to care. When he looked back up at Blaine
and saw that there was only understanding in his gaze, he sighed. Im sorry, he said,
shaking his head. I shouldnt -

You are absolutely mad if you think you have to apologize to me right now, Blaine said.
If you want to stay the night, Im not going to stop you. But as your friend who loves
and cares about you, Im asking you to let me take you home. Stressing and exhausting
yourself more than you already have isnt going to help you. Or Kurt.

Sebastian nodded. Youre right, he said. I just wish I could see him one more time
before we left. He looked at the doors leading down to Kurts room with longing, missing
the way Blaine smiled.

You left your jacket in Kurts room earlier, he said.

I wasnt wearing a jacket. Sebastian said.

You were. Blaine insisted. Sebastian frowned at him, irritation bubbling inside of him
again at Blaines smile. Why the hell was he smiling oh.

Oh, Sebastian said, eyes wide and a grin spreading across his face. Blaine Anderson, I
could kiss you right now.
__

Kurt was alone when Sebastian entered his room. He looked up expectantly when he
11

entered but frowned when he saw it was Sebastian. What are you still doing here? he
asked.

I forgot my jacket, Sebastian said, looking around the room and spotting the jacket
draped over the foot of Kurts bed.

Kurt didnt seem to recall that Sebastian hadnt been wearing a jacket because he just
said Oh.

Sebastian moved towards the bed slowly, wanting to draw this out as long as he could.
Feeling any better? he asked.

Kurt shrugged. I feel fine. Tired but fine. Theyre not telling me anything. His mouth
twisted the way it did when he was annoyed. Sebastian wanted to bundle him up in a
hug that he reserved only for Kurt.

What do you know so far? he asked instead.

Im twenty eight, living in New York City and recovering from a car accident that left me
in a coma for seven weeks and wiped out ten years from my memory.

Wow. So much information. Are you sure you can handle all of it? Sebastian asked,
grinning when he saw Kurt roll his eyes in agreement.

Every time I asked them something more specific theyd just say that I was pushing
myself too hard. Its not like Im any less pressured not knowing anything about my
life.

Well what do you want to know? Sebastian asked. Maybe I can help.
Kurt looked at him with a frown. Dont you have to leave? Visiting hours have ended.

I can spare a few minutes. Sebastian said.

Well I definitely want to know how the hell we became friends. Im still having a hard
time believing that its actually a possibility. Kurt said, shaking his head.

Sebastian smiled. Ill tell you. But you cant push me for details. Deal?

Kurt rolled his eyes but he was obviously desperate for any scrap of information because
he said Deal.
Sebastian sat down in the vacant chair and Kurt angled his body towards him, face
expectant. There was a coffee shop near my campus where I used to hang out, he
started. It was close to where you were interning at the time and we kept bumping into
each other a lot.

Seriously? A coffee shop? Kurt asked, raising an eyebrow. As if stalking me at the
Lima Bean wasnt enough -

Hey, I was at this shop first. Sebastian said with a grin. Anyway, you were new to the
city and going through some trouble at the time.
12


What trouble?

No pushing for details, remember?

Kurt huffed. Fine. But I have another question.

Okay.

When exactly did you stop being a jerk and why did we forgive you after what you did to
Blaine?

I never stopped being a jerk; you just learned to love me despite it. Sebastian said
without thinking. He caught himself when Kurt frowned, looking uncomfortable. Um. I
mean. I apologized, obviously. There were certain events that took place that made me
re-evaluate a lot of things and yeah we put the slushie incident behind us.

Its not something you can just forget about. Kurt said, his face suddenly dark.

Sebastian felt his stomach churn at the turn of events. I told you, I apologized.

And we forgave you just like that? Kurt asked with a raised eyebrow.

It was a slow process but yes, you did. We werent in touch during college and when you
came to New York it was something like a fresh start for us. You never let me forget
about the slushie though and we still insulted each other a lot but ... yeah.

Kurt looked confused. Wait, you said I met you when I first came to New York but that
we werent in touch during college. Did I not go to college in New York?

Sebastian hesitated. Details, he said.

No, you have to tell me! Kurt said when Sebastian stood up. Nobody is telling me
anything!

Sebastian looked down at him, his heart aching. Theyll tell you soon enough, he said.

Kurt crossed his arms and pressed his lips together, deep in thought.

Sebastian picked up the jacket from the foot of Kurts bed and lingered for a moment
longer, waiting for Kurt to say something. When he didnt, Sebastian sighed and started
towards the door. He stopped and turned back to see Kurt staring at the ceiling.

Goodnight Kurt, he said in a quiet voice.

Kurt didnt respond, just like he hadnt for every night the past seven weeks. Nothing
new.

13

Part 3
Burt had left Kurt's room only to grab some food for himself. He ran into Sebastian on
the way back and though the boy tried to wipe his face the second he saw Burt, Burt still
caught the red in his eyes and the tear tracks on his cheeks.

Hey, Sebastian said in a relatively steady voice when they stopped in front of each
other. I just went back to get my jacket and... he trailed off when he saw that Burt was
grinning.

You dont have to lie to me, kid.

Sebastian sighed and returned Burts grin with a small one of his own. I just wanted to
see him before I left. he admitted.

Youre going home?

Blaines insisting. Sebastian said with a look that told Burt he wasnt fond of the idea. I
really dont mind spending the night in the waiting room. I could sneak in after hes
asleep and sit with him until morning...Id be gone before he woke up.

Burts heart ached for him. He stepped forward and clapped Sebastian on the shoulder.
Go home for tonight, buddy. he said. Youll be back in the morning and then well see
if Kurts ready to hear more about you two.

Speaking of which, Sebastian said, I may have let a few important details slip. Burt
pulled his hand away from Sebastians shoulder and raised his eyebrows, waiting. He
asked about how we became friends. I tried to keep it brief but he put the pieces
together and figured out he wasnt in New York for college.

That it? Burt asked.

Yeah, thats about it.

Burt nodded. I was going to talk to him right now and I expect he would have found out
anyway so it's not a big deal."

"I just thought I'd tell you," Sebastian said. His phone started ringing then and Sebastian
hurried to reject the call before the noise of the ringtone caused any complaints. "It's
Blaine," he said after glancing at the caller id. "He's probably waiting for me downstairs."

"Go on, don't keep him waiting." Burt said, stepping aside. "And try to get some rest,
kid. You look like you need it.
_

Kurt was staring up at the ceiling when Burt entered his room. Hey kiddo, he said,
drawing up the chair and taking a seat. This room smells like a fricking flower shop, he
said, wrinkling his nose at the overpowering sweet smell.

Dad, Kurt said, turning his face to look at his father. When are you going to start
14

telling me things?

Right about now, actually. Burt said.

Really? Kurt asked, sitting up. The way his face lit up with a smile made Burts heart
feel light and he nodded, giving Kurt a wide smile of his own.

But we have a few rules.

Dont tell me I cant ask for details. Kurt said, rolling his eyes.

You can, Burt said. But I get to decide which ones to give. If I think a question has an
answer thats too complicated for you to comprehend right now, Im gonna say next
question and thats going to be that for the moment, we clear?
Kurt nodded. Okay.

Now, Burt said, settling back in his chair and lacing his fingers over his stomach. Ask
away.

Kurt was silent for a second and Burt could see the questions swimming in his brain. It
must have been hard to choose one question when you had ten years of catching up to
do. Burt waited with patience until Kurt asked what Burt knew he was going to ask the
moment Sebastian told him hed let it slip that Kurt hadnt gone to college in the city.

Did I get rejected from NYADA? he asked in a quiet voice.
Burt sighed, Yes. He tried not to let the way Kurts face crumpled get to him and
swallowed before he continued. You didnt make the final cut.

Did Rachel?

Lets focus on you here, buddy.

Kurt ignored him and continued to press. Did she? She mentioned something about
rehearsals when she was here. Kurt said, looking over at the flowers she had brought
with her. She was too hysterical for me to really understand anything.

Burt sighed. Fine. Yes, Rachel got in.

And I didnt, Kurt said, looking down at where his hands were twined in his lap.

You dealt with the rejection with so much maturity, Burt said. I was so proud of you.

What did I do instead? Kurt asked. Am I still performing?

Not professionally. Burt said, There some external fashion design program being
offered at OSU that year and they were still looking for applicants around the time you
got rejected from NYADA. You got your degree from there and moved to New York after
graduation. It wasnt exactly what youd planned but you were happy and you ended up
coming to New York in the end anyway.

15

Kurt nodded. So what do I do? Am I a designer?

Youve been working at some fancy French label for the past couple of years.

The fancy French label was actually Nicole Smythes, Sebastians mother. She had
opened her boutique in New York four years ago and asked Kurt to help her out with it.
The designs were hers but Kurt got the chance to give a lot of his own input and the two
of them were already in talks about creating Kurts own line or making a joint venture.

Burt didnt give Kurt these details, but he did say Youre in the process of starting your
own clothing line.

Kurts eyes grew huge. Really?

Mmmhm. Im telling ya, NYADAs crying over not accepting you.

Kurt grinned and settled further back against his pillows. I...I like the sound of that.

Burt felt a mix of confusing emotions twist in his stomach. He loved the smile on Kurts
lips but his son wasnt thinking about the repercussions of the accident at the moment,
he was too caught up in his desire to figure out the events of the past. He didnt know
just how different his life was from what he had planned. How everything was far from
the dream that he was imagining it to be. No less perfect, but not something that he
would be able to come to terms with and appreciate immediately once he understood
everything.

Maybe it was the drugs that were keeping him from freaking out properly but Burt knew
that point would come soon enough. Until it did though, he was going to try his best to
warm Kurt up to how his life was at the moment.

This is going to sound stupid but do we win Nationals this year? Or...did we win? Kurt
corrected, closing his eyes and shaking his head as if to get rid of a bug.

You did, Burt said with a grin. I was there. You were fantastic.

Kurts face brightened and he clapped his hands. What did we place?

Second, Burt said.

Who placed first?

Some nutheads, I dunno. Burt said. I just cared about my son.

Kurt grinned. Where do I live?

Youll see when we get there. In the city, needless to say.

Do I live alone?

No.
16


Do I live with Blaine? Kurt asked, a blush creeping up on his face.

No, Burt said, not missing the way Kurts face fell.

Oh. Okay. He said a little sadly. So I have a flatmate?

Yes. Sort of.

Anyone I know? Well I mean obviously I know them but do I know them now?

Next question, was all Burt said in reply.

Kurt frowned but didnt linger on it too much and moved on to ask other things that were
on his mind. Burt patiently answered every question as best as he could from the silly
ones, to the more serious ones. Kurts eyes began to droop half an hour into their little
talk and Burt helped him settle into a more comfortable position for sleep.

Even though Kurt insisted that he was awake enough to talk, he drifted off mid sentence
while asking about the color scheme he'd used in his apartment. Burt watched him
snuffle in his sleep with a fond smile before he leaned over the bed to kiss his forehead
and whisper "I'm so glad you're okay, son."

"Mmpfh," was all Burt got in response but it was enough.

17

Part 4
Kurts morning consisted of nurses taking his blood pressure and Doctor Hendricks
checking up on him and telling him that he would have to see a therapist later that and if
things continued to look as good as they did, hed be able to go home by tonight.
Breakfast was bland and tasteless and the morning only started to look up when Blaine
arrived.

Hi, he greeted with a bright smile.

Kurt pushed the rest of his breakfast tray away and grinned at Blaine. Hi.

Burt was stood up and looked at Blaine with a silent question that Kurt did not
understand. Whatever it was, Blaine nodded and jerked his head towards the door. Burt
glanced back at Kurt, You okay? Im going to go get some coffee for myself.

Sure, Kurt said, feeling uncomfortable about the silent exchange but he was glad to get
some time alone with Blaine.

Hi, Blaine said again when he sat down next to Kurts bed. Howre you feeling?

Like Ive forgotten everything all over again, Kurt said with a small laugh. All of
yesterday is a blur at best. But I guess Im not as clueless as I was before.

Mm, Burt must have filled you in. Blaine said with a smile but he looked hesitant for
some reason.

Kurt dismissed the look for the moment and nodded. He didnt tell me everything but
Ive got the basics; college, job, where I live. Although I dont think he mentioned who
I lived with. Kurt racked his brains in case the piece of information had slipped his mind
sometime during his sleep.

Well youll meet him soon enough. Blaine said. Hell be coming by later.

I was wondering about that, Kurt admitted. Your roommate wakes up from a coma,
the least you could do is go and visit him, right?

Blaine was silent and Kurt took the opportunity to study his face. Now that he felt more
awake and aware than he had yesterday, he could look at Blaine closely and see how
exactly the years had changed him. Hed grown into his body in the best ways possible.
His chest and arms were broader than Kurt remembered, the muscles accentuated by the
simple gray t-shirt he wore over dark jeans, a plainer ensemble than what Kurt
remembered but it looked no less perfect on him.

Kurts favorite part about this Blaine though, was his hair it was loose and curly but
somehow managed to not turn into the untamed mess it had back in high school
whenever Blaine didnt gel it down. The look suited him.

He hadnt realized how hard hed been staring until Blaine broke the silence with a
slightly embarrassed, What?
18


His cheeks flushed, Kurt shook his head quickly and said, Nothing, sorry. I was
appreciating how well the years have treated you.

Blaine bit his lip and returned Kurts tentative smile but he still looked uncomfortable.
Whether it was because of embarrassment or something else, Kurt couldnt tell but it was
really starting to bother him. Something wrong? he asked.

Kurt, I think theres something you should know, Blaine said in a low voice.

Something akin to worry started to churn inside Kurts stomach but he nodded and said,
Okay.

There was a pause where Blaine just stared at him, Kurts nerves growing with every
second until Blaine finally took a deep breath and said, Were not together anymore.

For a moment neither of them said anything. Kurt blinked and Blaine held his breath as
his words settled around them, sinking into Kurts reality - this reality.

W-what? he managed to ask finally.

We broke up in college, Blaine said in a gentle voice. It was mutual.

Kurt took a few shaky breaths and looked away from Blaines eyes. He felt stupid now for
not once thinking about how ten years might have changed things between them.
Breaking up just hadnt seemed like a possibility. Blaine had been acting just as Kurt
would have expected him to act in the situation except now that he thought about it, he
wondered how he hadnt found it weird how Blaine hadnt said a single cheesy romantic
thing to him since hed woken up.
Tears prickled behind his eyes. Kurt blinked them away, not wanting Blaine to see. Are
you seeing someone else? he asked.

Not right now, no. Blaine said. Another pause followed and then, Were still best
friends, Kurt. Nothings changed that. Nothing ever will. He reached out to touch Kurts
hand but unlike all the other times Kurt had let Blaine take it, he pulled it away.

I I think you should leave, Blaine. Kurt said quietly.
Blaine stood up and Kurt could feel his gaze on him for a moment before he said, Im
sorry.

I am too, Kurt said, not looking at him.

Ill come by later? it was phrased as a question, as if Blaine was unsure whether or not
Kurt would want him there.

Kurt finally looked up at the familiar, warm face of this boy who he was still achingly in
love with. His first boyfriend, his first love, still his best friend. Always his best friend.

He smiled. Yeah. Okay.
__
19


Why are you here again? was the first thing Kurt asked when Sebastian entered his
room.

I wanted to check up on you, Sebastian said. I brought flowers, he grinned and held
up the selection hed chosen himself.

Kurt didnt look flattered, just irritated. Look, I appreciate the gesture and I know you
said we were friends but this really isnt a good time and I dont want to see you right
now.

Sebastian didnt flinch at the harsh words; he had spent a sleepless night in anticipation
of seeing Kurt again in the morning and he couldnt leave in two seconds, his patience
had been tested enough this past week.

How are you feeling? he asked much to Kurts annoyance.

Not a good time. Kurt repeated.

Its a simple question, Sebastian said. A one word answer will do. Anything will do.

Sebastian, please leave. Kurt said.

Whats wrong? Sebastian tried again. He knew what was wrong, he and Blaine had
spent the night talking about how to break things to Kurt and Sebastian knew exactly
why Kurt was upset but he couldnt give Kurt leisure time to come to terms with his and
Blaines break up. Doctor Hendricks had met him outside and said that Kurt would be
cleared to go home by tonight; there was no way Sebastian could keep the fact that they
lived together hidden for much longer. So he stepped closer to the bed and prompted
again. You can tell me.

Youre the last person I want to talk to about this, Kurt said.

Whys that? Sebastian asked, taking a seat despite the frustrated way Kurt grit his
teeth. You had no problem talking to me yesterday.

I know its hard for you, Kurt said looking at him with narrow eyes. But I just woke up
with ten years of my memories wiped. The least you could do is not act like a jerk.

Im not acting like a jerk. Im just asking you a question. I want to help.

Well you cant. Kurt said with a stubborn jut of his chin. And I want you to leave so
please leave. Sebastian didnt budge from his position. Sebastian. Leave.

No.

Why?

Because I just got here.

20

Kurt stared at him long and hard for a moment before he sighed and gave up. I liked
you better when I was drugged, he said, looking away.

Well you should learn to like me sober, Sebastian said, sitting up in his chair. Because
were going to be spending a lot of time together.

Kurt, despite clearly not wanting to, turned his head to fix him with a curious stare.
Why?

Sebastian gave him a smile, ready with his explanation for the moment. Because were
flatmates.

21

Part 5
Kurt remained in a state of disbelief for the rest of the morning. He refused to talk to
Sebastian; still hell bent on believing it was all one big joke. Only when Burt shook his
head and said that it wasnt a lie, did Kurt finally seemed to accept that he was in fact,
living with Sebastian Smythe.

Its not that bad. I promise, Sebastian said. We get along fine. Better than fine.

Excuse me if I find that hard to believe, Kurt snapped.

Its a beautiful apartment. Sebastian continued, ignoring him. Close to Central Park,
tons of natural lighting - Kurt wasnt even looking at him. He had his arms crossed over
his chest and was staring at the opposite wall but Sebastian knew he was listening. You
had most of the control over decorating, he said. I was just there to carry the paint
brushes and hold up samples for you to -

Stop. Kurt said suddenly.

Stop what?

Stop making it sound like - Kurt looked at him, frustrated. Like its something we
did together.

It is, Sebastian said with a frown. What, you think we just happened to move into the
same apartment that magically furnished itself?

Yes, Kurt said with another stubborn jut of his chin. That is exactly what Id like to
think. And youre not helping.

Sebastian couldnt help but smile a little. Oh, Kurt.

No. Dont oh Kurt me, I am going to think whatever I want in order to come to terms
with this disturbing piece of news and you are going to stay out my way and let me,
understood?

Sebastian stared at him. You expect that to work?

Yes.

Kurt, its not going to work.

I will make it work.

Not when you find out were married.
__

Sebastian took care of most of the paperwork when Kurt was finally discharged. Blaine
had promised to come by later but hed been called in by his boss for an emergency
meeting with the distributors of one of their records and so it was just Sebastian and
22

Burt. Kurt frowned when he saw Sebastian signing papers on his way to the elevator but
didnt say a word to him all the way down to the car.

Hed changed into a pair of black jeans and a red long sleeved shirt that Sebastian had
brought for him hed been too busy resolutely ignoring Sebastians presence and still
trying to build whatever fantasy he wanted to in his head about their living arrangements
to comment on the plainness of Sebastians choice of clothes. Even after all these years,
Sebastian had no clue how to navigate Kurts wardrobe. Blaine did a better job than him.
Sebastian could appreciate fashion, sure. But normal fashion and Kurt-fashion were two
different things in his mind.

Why do you have a car in New York City? Kurt asked with a huff as he got into the
passenger seat.

Because the public transport system is filthy. Sebastian said. And because I need it for
special occasions.

The ride home was silent. Kurt stared out of his window at the city in all her late
afternoon glory. Even though there were probably a million thoughts running through his
head at the moment, Kurt still had a small, uncontrollable grin on his face. Sebastian
wanted to lean over the gearshift and kiss the corner of it but he kept his eyes on the
road.

Their apartment was on the seventeenth floor. Kurt grew tenser with every number that
lit up over the elevator, taking them closer to his new home. Sebastian wasnt in much of
a better position beside him. This was it. There was no way he could hide their marriage
once they walked through the front door, one of the first things Kurt was bound to see
was the framed photograph of them at their wedding with both their families.

Kurts wedding band felt heavy in Sebastians pocket; he hadnt returned it with the rest
of Kurts possessions that had been found on him after the accident. He wanted to keep
it with him until Kurt was ready to have it back which Sebastian was certain wouldnt be
for a while.
When the bell dinged over them and the elevator doors slid open, Burt clapped both of
them on the back with a hand. Ready to see if your house is all you dreamed of? he
asked Kurt.

Kurt looked at Sebastian with narrowed eyes and Sebastian could almost hear him
saying it cant be a dream if Im stuck living with you but al he said was, I guess.

Sebastians hand shook a little as he turned the key in the lock. Welcome home, he
said to Kurt with a tentative grin when the door finally clicked open. He stepped aside
and watched Kurts face as he entered the apartment, his face completely blank of any
emotion.

Kurts gaze swept over the apartment in silence; from the entranceway to the lounge and
what little you could make of the kitchen from here to the cut of the hallway where it
lead to the bedrooms before coming to rest back on Sebastian who was waiting with
bated breath.

23

Well? he asked.

Its...not as bad as I expected. Kurt admitted, stepping further inside.

Not as bad as y even after everything I told you about how amazing it was? Sebastian
asked as Burt chuckled.

Obviously, I never believed you. Kurt said coolly, looking around with more care. His
face was less emotionless now; he obviously liked the place if the shine in his eyes and
his parted lips were anything to go by. It took a moment for Sebastian to realize why
Kurt wasnt freaking out like hed expected it was because he hadnt bothered to look
at the pictures on the walls yet.

It was as if Kurt had read his mind because he stopped in front of a wall of framed
photographs. He was looking at was a vertical frame, divided into three parts. The
pictures were in quick succession like something out of a photo booth at the mall. The
first was a black and white close up of Kurt and Sebastian with their arms around each
others shoulders, grinning at the camera. The second was in color, the same close up
but with Sebastian bent down to kiss Kurts cheek and the last one was black and white
again with both of them laughing with their eyes shut and mouths open in frozen shouts
of glee.

They were in their wedding suits.

Who whos wedding was this? Kurt asked, turning around to look at his father and
Sebastian with confusion and a hint of panic.

Sebastian didnt know whether to be glad or upset that Kurt had chosen to look at the
more subtle of their wedding photos. He guessed they could be taken as pictures of
them at a wedding instead of pictures of their wedding.

Oh my god, Kurt breathed suddenly. Were not just friends, are we?

Sebastian shook his head. Kurt were -

Dont tell me were -

- married.

Kurts eyes widened and Burt sucked in a deep breath. I ... I was going to say dating,
he said in a shocked whisper.

Sebastians heart started to pound when the color drained from Kurts face. Im sorry,
he said quickly. But you were going to find out soon enough and I -

Oh my god, Kurt breathed, lifting his eyes back to the photographs. His gaze flickered
from one picture to another so fast, Sebastian wondered if he was even taking any of it
in. Oh my god,.

Kurt-
24


This is some kind of joke, isnt it? Kurt said, rounding on his father. Dad, please tell
me you guys are joking.

Wed never joke about something as serious as this, Burt said gently. Why dont you
take a deep breath and -

No. Kurt said, shaking his head. No. No. No. This is not happening. Tears were
starting to gather in his eyes, clinging to the corner of his lashes. Dad, please.
Sebastian didnt know what he was asking for but he felt his own tears start to burn his
eyes. He stepped forward and touched Kurts arm but Kurt ripped it out of his grip.
Dont touch me!

Kurt, please calm down, Sebastian said. I can explain.

I cant calm down! he said, his voice shaking. I am married. To. You. His face was full
of horror, of disgust and hurt as if the there was no fate worse than being married to
Sebastian.
Sebastian felt the tears break free of his eyes and start sliding down his cheeks. Burt
stepped forward then, putting an arm around Kurts shoulder and steering him towards
the couch. Sebastian, get him a glass of water, he called over his shoulder.

Sebastian did as he was told. Kurt still wouldnt look at him but he took the water and
gulped it down, his hands still shaking. You okay? Burt asked when Kurt placed the now
empty glass on the coffee table.

No, Kurt said in a small voice. No, Im not. Sebastian felt his heart seize painfully. He
wished he could have been in Burts place right now with his arms around Kurt, wished
that he could have held him against his chest, pressed at kiss to his head and told him
that everything would be fine.

Kurt, he said instead, staying where he was. I know this is hard.

You think? Kurt asked, glaring up at him through his tears.

I know, Sebastian said, swallowing thickly. My husband doesnt remember me. You
think thats easy for me?

Kurt winced at the term husband. Im not your husband.

It hurt more than anything Sebastian could have ever imagined. Dont dont say that.

Im not. Kurt said again. Im not married. I dont have a degree in fashion design from
OSU or my own clothing line and Blaine and I never broke up.

Burt and Sebastian looked at each other with identical confused expressions as tears
continued to stream down Kurts face. Kurt, what are you saying? Burt asked slowly.

Im saying that I was stupid to think that my life before the accident is going to be my
life now, Kurt said. How can I fall back into the same patterns when Im not the same
25

person I was a week ago?

You are the same person, Sebastian said, his voice breaking.

Kurt ignored him. I was so stupid to believe that it would be easy.

Its not going to be easy for any of us, Burt said. But Im going to be here for you as
long as you need me and well get through this together.

How? Kurt asked. How are we going to get through this? Im stuck married to
Sebastian Smythe. He looked at Sebastian, I dont care about what we did over the
years, right here, right now you are the last person I would ever consider marrying.

Sebastian knew Kurt was hurt but it didnt lessen the blow of his words. He felt anger
start to paint the edges of his hurt. Well you know what, Kurt? he said. Im really
sorry this is so devastating for you but this isnt just about you. You dont get to dismiss
the seven years weve been together just because of a block in your memory that you
refuse to push away.

You think I want this? Kurt asked, standing up and fixing him with a vicious glare. You
think I want to be stuck ten years in the past?

I think you do, Sebastian said. I think youd rather live in your perfect little fairy tale
bubble with Blaine -

Dont make this about Blaine-

- than face the reality of the fact that you two broke up and that you chose to fall in love
with me instead.

I didnt get to choose! Kurt said. I dont have any choice here at all do I?

You think I forced you to marry me? Sebastian asked, his voice no longer near calm. It
takes two people, Kurt!

Boys, Burt said standing up. Calm down.

Kurt was glaring at Sebastian harder than ever. Im not the guy you married, he said.
And youre not the sort of guy I would ever marry. Theres only one solution I can see
here.

And whats that? Sebastian asked even though his heart started to pound sickeningly in
his chest.

There was a pause where the two of them just stared at each other, chests heaving with
the force of their breaths and then Kurt said, We get a divorce.

26

Part 6
The words hung thick in the air around them. Kurt saw the exact point they sunk in for
Sebastian because his face seemed to crumple. Something like guilt tugged at Kurts
heart but he was too busy breathing through the spinning in his head to take heed.
Sebastian stared at him for a long moment, his mouth opening and closing as if he
wanted to say something but didnt know how. Another second of silence passed before
his gaze flickered over Kurts shoulder to Burt and then he turned around and left without
a word, the apartment door banging shut behind him.

Slowly, Kurt turned to look at his dad who was still sitting on the couch. The guilt was
making itself known with more force now and Kurts expression turned sheepish and then
defensive when he met his dads disapproving gaze. What? he asked, crossing his arms
over his chest.

You know what, Burt said sternly.

Kurt sighed and dropped down on to the couch next to his dad. Dont tell me youre on
his side!

Its not about being on sides, Kurt. Its about how much that poor kid has gone through
this past week and how you basically ripped the heart outta his chest and threw it at his
feet. Kurt bit his lip and wrapped his arms around himself, suddenly cold. Burt
continued, his gaze burning hot into the side of Kurts face. I watched him sit by your
side night and day, holding your hand and babbling nonsense that all sounded like some
version of please come back. Imagine his pain when you woke up and didnt even
remember him.

Kurt swallowed around the slow building lump in his throat and refused to look at his
father. Its not my fault, he said weakly. Its not my fault I dont remember.

Im not saying it is, kid. But that doesnt give you a right to treat him like that.

Kurt felt fresh tears burn behind his eyes. Its not fair, he said, shaking his head. I
cant be married to him.

Well you are.

Kurt finally looked at his father, frowning. Why are you being like this? he asked. Cant
you see how this affects me? I dont want to be married, dad. I cant be married. I dont
know what Im doing with my life. I havent been to college yet as far as Im concerned,
even if I have a job, I wont know the first thing about what to do. Being married is
something I do notneed to deal with on top of everything else at the moment.

Burts arm was heavy when he draped it over Kurts shoulder and pulled him against his
side. You think I dont that? he asked softly. You have been so great with everything
so far, I dont blame you for freaking out about being married. But Kurt, the fact is that
you are married. To a pretty great guy no, dont look at me like that. Ive got some of
those memories youve locked away, remember? I know how great you two are together
even if you dont realize it right now. And every time you say that you would never marry
27

him, youre only putting yourself down.

Kurt frowned, What do you mean?

I mean that youre not stupid Kurt. You were thinking something when you married
Sebastian and it sure as hell wasnt how he was a douchebag at eighteen. Kurt was
silent for a moment and Burts arm tightened around his shoulder. You think my son is
stupid enough to go ahead and marry someone if he doesnt truly want to with every
fibre of his being?

Kurt didnt know what to say, he looked away from his dads gaze at the countless
photographs scattered around their apartment, on the walls, on the shelves...a decade
worth of happy memories that taunted him from every corner.

You think getting a divorce is going to solve anything? Burt continued. All thats gonna
happen is that youre going to get your memories back and realize what a huge ass
mistake you made. Its nothing but pain and heartbreak for both of you.
Kurt felt like crying and so he did, he let the tears stream down his cheeks and buried his
face in his fathers chest. What am I going to do dad?

Youll figure it out, Burt said, holding him tightly. And like I said, Ill be here to help as
long as you need me. But first, you need to stop treating Sebastian like hes doing
something wrong by being near you and start treating him at the very least, like a friend.
How would you feel if I woke up tomorrow and started denying you were my son?

That hit him hard and Kurt unconsciously tightened his grip on his dads shirt. I feel so
lost, he said in an almost childish voice.

Burt rubbed his arm and held him tighter. Im here, kid. He said. And more
importantly, youre here. After the accident I thought youd - he cut himself off and
cleared his throat. I dont care if you dont get your memories back. I bet you anything
youre going to be every bit as fabulous without them.

Kurt sniffled and pressed his cheek hard to his fathers shirt before sitting upright and
wiping the tears from his face. I Im going to go use the bathroom, he said as he got
to his feet.

You hungry? Theres food in the fridge I could heat up for you.
Kurt nodded and gave his father a small smile. Thanks dad.

He found the bathroom easily; it was bigger than he had expected and one look at the
shower told him it was going to be one of his favorite places in the apartment. It was
weird though, to see the mix of products lined up on the sink counter. Kurt took a wild
guess over which were his and which belonged to Sebastian. He found himself staring at
the toothbrushes and wondering if his was the purple one with the hideous stripes or the
equally hideous orange one next to it. It wasnt like it mattered at this point but the
trivial question was a good distraction. He eventually came to the conclusion that
Sebastian probably used two toothbrushes because his teeth needed just that extra
amount of care and that he probably had his own toothbrush hidden somewhere else.

28

Not knowing why - maybe he expected to have hidden his toothbrush in there? - he
opened the tiny wooden cabinet on the wall next to the shower and gasped softly when
the first thing he saw was a huge bottle of lube. Instinctively, he shut the cabinet and
turned away as if his eyes had been burnt. He splashed some cold water on his face and
left the bathroom before he could think anything else of the lube and instead, wandered
into the bedroom closest to him.

It was comfortably sized with a double bed framed by two gorgeous side tables, each
bearing a small, artistic lamp. The bedspread looked like something Kurt would have
picked out it was a simple pattern but mixed in well with the natural color scheme of
the room. As nice as the room was though, Kurt knew it couldnt be his bedroom. It felt
too impersonal.

He knew he was right the second he walked through the door of the next room. This one
immediately felt right. The design was more modern than their guest room, which is
what Kurt guessed the other room was for since (and he had another mild panic attack at
the thought) he and Sebastian probably slept together. Taking a calming breath and not
letting himself think of what he and Sebastian must have done on it, Kurt moved to
appreciate the bed, simple and clear cut in its design but no less stylish.

There was a huge abstract painting over the bed but the opposite wall boasted some
more personal photographs. Kurt walked over to them and let his eyes scan the shots of
him and Sebastian.

There was a rush of sound in his head and ears, like thousands of whispers struggling to
make sense. Kurt would have thought that they were memories from looking at the
pictures if his heart hadnt been pounding to a panicked rhythm. Kurt reached out and
touched his own face in one of the photographs as if the connection would link him with
the mind of the man in the frame. It was unreal, looking at this man in the photographs.
This man who looked exactly what Kurt would imagine an older him to look like - living a
life that he seemed to be perfectly comfortable in, with a husband and friends in the city
of his dreams.
Sighing, Kurt moved on to the bookshelf next to the photographs. It was smaller than the
bookshelf in the lounge and black instead of white. It criss crossed across the wall and a quick
look at the contents told him it contained more slim files that were either related to his or
Sebastians work and tiny artifacts than actual books. Some of the stuff Kurt recognized from
his old bedroom and that comforted him, some of the stuff was probably Sebastian and some
of the gadgets had familiar logos on them but Kurt didnt have a clue what they did.

That was another thing about waking up ten years in the future, technology hadnt gotten any
simpler.

The far left wall of the bedroom was dominated by huge windows Sebastian hadnt been
lying about plenty of natural light. The view was nothing short of breathtaking. The city at the
moment was lit up with twinkling lights against the backdrop of the night sky but in the
morning, he supposed the sun would have shone bright enough to bathe the entire room in its
glow. Kurt spent a few minutes just staring and wondering how beautiful the city must look
from here early in the morning or when it was raining or snowing. There could have been a
sandstorm outside for all Kurt cared and he would still think it beautiful.

An inspection of his walk in closet followed afterwards and Kurt had to resist the urge to take
29

out every item and examine it closely. He walked around opening random drawers in the
bedroom, shifting through stuff that should probably mean something to him scribbled
notes, numbers and dates, a color coded planner (Kurt set that aside to come back to later).
He kept expecting something to jog his memory, something to shout out to him, but he
couldnt feel too disappointed when it didnt.

When he had thought about moving to New York, he had been prepared for a tiny, cramped
apartment where hed be stepping on Rachels toes wherever he turned, he had thought
about curling up close next to Blaine in their first apartment, slightly larger than the one he
had shared with Rachel but lacking in a proper heating system. That would have been fine
though, because it would have meant that they had to cuddle to keep warm.

He hadnt been thinking about getting a place like this for years. It was surreal, it felt like
something too precious to be his, something he was afraid someone would take away from
him any second. Whatever Kurt may have felt about everything else he had woken up to, his
apartment definitely felt like home. He could feel the love and care he (and Sebastian, dont
forget Sebastian) had put into setting it up. Other things may have to take some getting used
to but Kurt knew that he would always feel at home in this place.

30

Part 7
Sebastian didnt know how many drinks hed had. He just knew it wasnt enough for the
bartender to cut him off. Jack! Sebastian called out to the large man. Did all that wax
youve got stuffed in your ear impair your hearing? I said get me another fucking beer!

I heard you loud and clear the first three times, Smythe. The man said, leaning over the
counter and fixing Sebastian with a firm stare. But theres no way Im letting you drink
another sip of alcohol tonight. Youre one second away from puking on my bar.

You have no idea what Im going through. Sebastian said, brining his fist donwn on the
wooden countertop. I need. A. Fucking. Drink.

Give me your phone, Jack said, holding out a hand.

Why? Sebastian asked but he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone anyway.

Im calling Blaine, Jack said, taking the phone from his hand. Hell take you home.

You know me too well. Sebastian grumbled. Ive gotta find another bar.

Youll be coming back in two days. Jack said with a grin. No one can put up with your
demanding little ass like I do. Well, except for Kurt.

Sebastian huffed. Yeah. Kurt.

Jack turned his back for a few seconds while he spoke to Blaine.

Sebastian stared at his hands during the conversation, hoping Blaine would be caught up in
something else to come and pick him up. He didnt want to see Blaine, he didnt want to go
back to his apartment. He didnt need anyone looking after him.

I just need another fucking beer. He said, looking up at Jack with pleading eyes. Just get
me. Another. Beer.

Not happening tonight, Jack said, setting Sebastians phone onto the counter between them.
Blainell be ten minutes.

Im going to sue you, Sebastian said darkly.

You dont scare me, Smythe.

Blaine arrived in the next three minutes much to Sebastians dismay. His hair was blown wild
by the wind and the tip of his nose was red but he caught sight of Sebastian and sighed in
relief. Oh my god, what the hell Seb? he said, taking the empty stool next to him. I tried
calling you a million times. Why would you turn off your phone?

Maybe because I didnt want to talk to you or to anybody for that matter? Sebastian asked.

Blaine looked at Jack. How much has he had?

Enough, Jack replied.

31

Blaine gripped Sebastians arm and tried to pull him to his feet. Cmon.

Dont touch me! Sebastian said, yanking his arm out of Blaines grip. He was suddenly
reminded of Kurt saying the same words to him not four hours ago wow, four hours. Had it
been that long? Just leave me alone. Sebastian said, dropping his head down to his hands.
Jack had moved down the bar to attend to other customers, Blaine was silent beside him for a
moment before he said This isnt the way to deal with things, Seb.

Really? Sebastian turned his head to look at Blaine with bloodshot eyes wet with tears.
Youre going to tell me the best way to deal with this? You have no idea Blaine, okay? No.
Idea.

Probably not, Blaine said. But I know enough to tell you that getting drunk isnt going to
help anyone.

He wants a divorce, Sebastian said in a quiet voice. He wants a fucking divorce.

Blaines lips parted in shock and his eyes widened. W-what? He said that?

Sebastian nodded, a bitter smile on his lips. He said there was no way we would ever work
out and that it was it was the only solution, god. Sebastian looked away again and jerked
his shoulder away from Blaines touch when he tried to wrap his arm around him. Seven
fucking years together and he gives up on us just like that.

Hes - confused. Probably scared and overwhelmed. Blaine said slowly. But he loves you
and you know it, even if he doesnt.
Why couldnt he have forgotten me completely? Sebastian said with a frustrated huff. Or
remembered just one more year? Why does the universe have to be so fucking cruel? He
huffed and pulled back to look down at the wedding band on his finger. I wish it had been
me. he said in such a low voice, it was barely above a whisper.

Sebastian...

No, seriously. Sebastian said, looking at Blaine with wide, earnest eyes. It would have been
so much easier. Kurt could have made me fall back in love with him inseconds and -

And you would have ran in the other direction as fast as you could, scared shitless. Blaine
said with a fond smile. Trust me. Sebastian Smythe would never takes the news of being a
married man well without every square inch of memory in why he got to the point in his head.
You would have been a nightmare. I was at your wedding, remember? Ive got proof of how
easily you freak out.

Sebastian didnt know whether to laugh or smile so he just stared at Blaine until the other boy
stood up and took him by the arm again. Lets get you home, he said. This time, Sebastian
followed.
__

Blaine left him at the foot of the building because Sebastian insisted that he was fine. Hed
had the sense to take his keys before he left but standing outside his apartment, he suddenly
felt bashful. He shouldnt have walked out like that, at least not on Burt. Hoping he didnt look
as drunk as he felt, he slowly swung open the front door and stepped inside.

32

The apartment was silent and the lights were off except for a lamp in the lounge. Sebastian
moved to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. He didnt hear the sound of
approaching footsteps and almost dropped the glass in his hands when he heard Kurts voice
from behind him.

Youre back.

He turned around, dreading the expression on Kurts face but all he saw was him looking
incredibly tired. Yeah. I uh I went...out. Sebastian said, his words slurring a little. He
pressed a hand to his forehead, cool from touching the glass.

Are you drunk? Kurt asked, a crease forming between his brows.

This was not how Sebastian wanted to have his first proper conversation with Kurt after the
events of the evening. He didnt want Kurt to see him like this. No, he lied, taking a shaky
step forward. He slipped and grabbed the fridge for support, feeling his face start to burn.
I know what I said before might have been harsh, Kurt said.

Did you mean it? Sebastian asked, punctuating his question with a hiccough. Do you want
are we going to have to get a divorce?

Please say no, please say no...

Kurt sighed. I know this is hard for you too but you gotta see this from my perspective
here. he said, shaking his head. All you are for me at the moment is the boy who tried to
break up me and my boyfriend, consistently made sissyphobic comments about me who and
nearly blinded Blaine with a rock salt slushie that was actually meant for me. All of that may
be in the past for you but its as clear in my head as if it had happened yesterday. How can
you expect me to overlook everything?

Kurt, Sebastian said, taking a few shaky steps towards the boy.

Just give me a chance, please. Tell me what you want me to do, Ill do anything. Tell me how
to fix this, tell me how to fix you -

Im not broken, Kurt said in a wet voice, struggling to remain steady.

Sebastian saw tears had sprung to Kurts eyes and he panicked. No, no. Of course youre
not, baby - he started, making a move to reach out to him. Kurt took a step back, looking
uncomfortable and Sebastian wanted to bang his head on the wall for his slip. I am trying,
Sebastian said in a broken voice, his fist curling around thin air where he had reached for
Kurt. I am, Kurt.

By getting drunk?

Sebastian swallowed. I told you were married and the first thing you asked for is a divorce,
he said in a broken voice. How do you think I felt?

Im sorry. Kurt said, his voice low and sincere. I really am. But - we cant go back to what
we were. I just, I cant - he broke off and looked away as if Sebastians face was causing him
too much pain.

33

Was this it then? Sebastian thought. Was this the end? He felt the realization crashing down
on him and the weight of it almost made him collapse to the ground. He didnt stop the tears
when they started sliding down his cheeks but reached inside his pocket, fingers closing
around Kurts wedding band. Closing the last few steps of distance between them, he stopped
in front of Kurt and held out the platinum band for him.

W-whats this? Kurt asked, looking from his outstretched hand to his face with a confused
frown.

Your wedding band. Sebastian said. Wed decided that if we ever if we both agreed
wed take get to keep our wedding bands and then I dont know, sell them? It was never
really supposed to be an option. Just a joke.

Sebastian -

Take it Kurt, he said, voice hoarse. Just please, dont make this harder.

Kurt took the ring, his fingers brushing Sebastians palm. Before he could stop himself,
Sebastian was surging forward and pressing his lips to Kurts forehead, not caring about how
he stiffened under the touch. He kept his lips, wet with his tears pressed against Kurts hot
skin, every piece of him breaking until he finally found enough strength to move away.

He didnt look back at Kurt as he brushed past him but he stopped in his tracks when Kurt
spoke up. His voice barely a whisper as he said, I dont want a divorce.

34

Part 8
It couldnt have taken more than a second but turning around to meet Kurts gaze felt like an
eternity. Sebastian wished he hadnt been drunk so that his vision wouldnt swim as much as
it did; he just wanted to see Kurts face clearly. From what he could make of it, he noticed
that Kurt was crying, his fist closed around the band in his hand as he stared at Sebastian.
His throat felt like someone had stuffed cotton in it and Sebastian swallowed before he asked,
You you dont?

Kurt closed his eyes and took a deep breath and in the little time that it took, Sebastian
began to panic again. What if he hadnt meant it? What if he was regretting saying it now?

There must have been a reason I married you, Kurt said, opening his eyes and breaking
Sebastians train of thought. And I dont want to risk destroying something I I guess I must
have really wanted in order to... he trailed off and bit his lip. Until I get my memories back
or in case I dont, were going to have to learn to work around this - thing. He gestured
around his head as if the block in his memory was something visible.

Sebastian wished it was, wished it was as easy as gripping it with his hand and throwing it
aside to reveal a Kurt with his memories one hundred percent intact.

He found himself marching back to Kurt and he only got a glimpse of the surprised expression
on Kurts face before he had thrown an arm over his shoulder and pulled him against his chest
in a bone crushing hug. Kurt let out a low sound of protest before he went slack in his grip.
Sebastian didnt care that he wasnt being held in return, he just continued to hold Kurt close,
breathing him in and grinning into his hair.

I love you so much Kurt, he whispered. So fucking much. Id do anything for you.

Um. Kurt didnt move a muscle but his uncertain tone seemed to snap Sebastian out of
whatever trance he had been in and he pulled back.

Sorry, he said quickly. I wasnt thinking. Im kind of -

Drunk? Kurt supplied.

Incredibly grateful, Sebastian said.

Kurt gave him a small smile but it was hesitant. Look, Sebastian. I understand that weve
been married for how long have we been married?

Two years.

Two years. Wow, Kurt breathed.

Weve been more or less together for seven. Sebastian said with a grin.

Yeah, you mentioned that. Kurt said. But right now I dont remember any of it so
technically, Ive only known you for a couple of not very happy months.

But youre -

Im going to try and work on not hating you, Kurt said with a nod. But I need you to not do
35

this.

Do what?

Kurt gestured between them. This, he said and Sebastian wasnt any closer to
understanding what he meant than he had been before. He frowned at Kurt until he sighed
and said, Look. Lets start slow okay? Well work at being friends first and then see where it
goes. You cant expect me to start acting like your husband just because Ive decided against
a divorce.

No, no. Of course not. Sebastian said, realization dawning. Take as much time as you
want. Im sorry. I wont touch you? That sounds like Im molesting you. He wrinkled his
face and Kurt laughed a little, it was a beautiful sound. Sebastian immediately wanted to hear
it again. Well work through this, Kurt, he said. I promise.

Thank you, Kurt said in a quiet voice. There was a tense moment of silence where Sebastian
wished he had the ability to read Kurts mind - this Kurts mind, because right now, Kurts
face was so much more guarded, so closed off than the Kurt Sebastian was used to. Do you
want anything from the bedroom? Kurt asked then, breaking the silence. Because Im going
to call it a night.

It took a moment for Sebastian to realize that he was expected to sleep on the couch since
Burt was in the guest room. Ill just grab a pillow and blanket, he said, following Kurt as he
led the way to their bedroom. Maybe get a change of clothes, he mumbled, pulling his shirt
away from his body and wrinkling his nose.
Kurt stood by the windows as Sebastian got his stuff. So Im assuming you took a look
around? Sebastian asked.

Yeah, I uh - Kurt turned away from the window to look at him. I think Im kind of in love
with this place.

Good to know, Sebastian said with a grin.

How can we afford it? Kurt asked, walking over to the bed and sitting down at the edge. I
know that I have a decent job and youre sorry, what do you do again?

Im a lawyer, Sebastian said.

Why am I not surprised? Kurt asked, shaking his head and giving him another tight smile.
Even with that though, a place like this has got to cost a fortune and I might not recognize
all of them but I know labels when I see them and most of this stuff - he waved his hand
around the room as a whole, - is definitely designer.

Well, the apartment itself was a wedding present. Sebastian said, rubbing the back of his
neck. My dad he hed made the investment a long time ago and we refused at first but you
know, what the hell. We were going to start a life together and my apartment where we
were living at the time was nice but we both agreed that this was something we would
never regret taking. So we did. And we pitched in to design it which set us back quite a bit as
far as money was concerned even though weve both got pretty decent incomes, he grinned
at Kurt when he saw this piece of news pleased him. But youve always been careful about
savings and stuff which really balances out my tendency to go wild with spending money. It
worked out okay in the end.
36


Better than okay, Id say, Kurt said in a low voice, pinching the comforter between his
forefinger and thumb. Sebastian grinned; even though he knew Kurt was talking about the
apartment, it made him unreasonably happy to know that at least this part of their life was
something Kurt liked. Kurt looked up at him all of a sudden, Do you have everything?

Sebastian took that as a sign that he should to leave. Reluctantly, he made his way to the
door. Kurt didnt ask him to stay, didnt even ask if the couch was a comfortable place to
sleep (which, thankfully, it was) and Sebastian guessed he shouldnt have been surprised.
Just because they were married and Kurt had agreed to try and make their relationship work
didnt mean that he cared about him enough to ask if he would be comfortable where he
slept.

Just one more thing - Kurt said, his voice stopping Sebastian in his tracks once again.
Which toothbrush is mine?
Sebastian smiled. The purple one.

Well, there goes my theory. Kurt sighed.

What theory?

Nothing. Kurt said. He walked over to the door, forcing Sebastian to stumble backwards
until he was standing just outside. Goodnight Sebastian.

Sebastian blinked when the door closed in his face. He stared at the wood for a moment
before his face broke out into a grin. At least he hadnt slammed it shut and at least he got a
goodnight this time.
Progress.
Kurt woke up feeling confused with the urge to call out to somebody just like he had at the
hospital. He sat up slowly, blinking the sleep from his eyes and as soon as his vision cleared
enough to take in his surroundings, he relaxed. It should have been weird, his new bedroom
should have confused him further but Kurt felt the familiar calm settle over him like it had last
night when he had gone around touching random possessions in the room.

He sank back into his pillows and took a deep breath. The room was still dark but the sun was
rising slowly outside the huge windows. Kurt hadnt closed the blinds before he went to sleep
and he was glad of it now when he turned on his side to stare at the early morning light
glinting off the buildings. He closed his eyes again, pressing his cheek into his pillow.

Kurt had always considered the bed in his old room to be one of the most comfortable places
on earth. Blaines bed had been his second favorite simply because it was Blaines (no, dont
think about Blaines bed, dont ruin the moment) but the fact was that this bed was just as, if
not more comfortable. Kurt was pretty sure he could stay cuddled up in his blankets all day.
He drifted off for a while, not going back to sleep but just hanging in the moment between
wakefulness and sleep. Once or twice he jerked awake because hed felt as if someone were
sliding an arm around his waist but when he turned to look over his shoulder, Sebastians side
of the bed (oh god, they have sides dont they?) was empty.

It wasnt that he felt creeped out by the phantom touch, in fact, he had a feeling that it might
be some sort of sense memory. Like this wasnt the first morning hed woken up to watch the
sun rise outside the windows. Like it was something he did on a regular basis except he had
someone pull him against their chest and press a kiss to the side of his neck as they did...
37


Kurt threw the comforter off of him and stood up. He didnt want to think about that
certain someone and what they did in this bed. Not right now.

He chose an outfit for the day, swearing to come back and give his closet the attention it
deserved before making his way to the bathroom. The shower was just as glorious as Kurt
had imagined. He spent a few minutes under the spray, just letting the water cascade over
his body before he turned to the products assembled in the compartments that were carved
into the wall. There was only one brand of shampoo and conditioner so Kurt figured that he
and Sebastian must share. The shower gel, though there were two bottles, neither of them
a brand Kurt recognized. He picked up the first one and gave it an experimental sniff. It was
something fresh and slightly fruity - grapefruit maybe? Kurt liked the smell at the any rate.

Just to make sure, he picked up the other bottle and gave it a sniff too and oh yeah, this was
definitely his. While the first gel had smelled nice enough, this one immediately made him
want to surround himself in the smell. It was comforting just like his bed had been comforting
and Kurt inhaled again deeply, just to let the pleasant smell invade his senses once more.

The bottle said it contained Grape Seed Oil, Mandarin Orange Peel Oil, Bergamot Oil and
Rosemary Leaf Extract. It could also be used as a shampoo. Even though he had perfectly
good shampoo and conditioner right beside him, Kurt went ahead and worked the scent into
his hair. By the time he emerged from the shower, he felt more relaxed than he had all
morning.
Sebastian was surprisingly awake and making coffee in the kitchen when Kurt finished
brushing his teeth and walked out. He must have taken a long time in the shower because the
sun was fully out now and had bathed the apartment in bright light. Kurt took a moment to
appreciate how beautiful the white color scheme of the lounge looked in the light of day. He
slid onto a stool behind the kitchen counter with a quick, Good morning.

Sleep well? Sebastian asked as he passed a cup of coffee over to him.

Kurt nodded as he took a sip. You? When Sebastian didnt reply, he looked at him over the
rim of his mug only to find him frowning. What?

You showered, Sebastian said.

Kurt rolled his eyes. What gave it away? Was it my wet hair?

Sebastian grinned. So howd you know which body wash was yours? he asked
conversationally.

Kurt felt a rush of satisfaction at the thought that he had been right. He shrugged, I chose
the scent I liked the most.

You liked this one? Sebastian asked, grinning widely.

It made me feel calm, comfortable...happy - I don't know, does that makes sense? Kurt
asked, taking another sip.

I guess, Sebastian said and okay, his grin was starting to get on Kurts nerves.

What? he asked irately.
38


Nothing. Sebastian pressed his lips together as if trying to stop himself from bursting out
laughing.

What - he asked again, setting down his mug. Is so funny?

Its just - Sebastians grin grew impossibly wide. The body wash that made you feel
so calm, comfortable and happy is actually mine.

39

Part 9
Kurts cheeks remained tinged with pink for the rest of the morning. He desperately wished he
hadnt picked up the second bottle and stuck to the grapefruit one. Now every time he
inhaled, the scent of Sebastians body wash filled his senses and while it was just as pleasant
as it had been the first time, it made Kurt shift uncomfortably in his seat.

He was grateful that Sebastian didnt comment any further because he wasnt sure he could
take the embarrassment. All he asked was, Do you want some pancakes? to which Kurt
replied with a shrug and said Sure.

From his position on the stool, Kurt watched Sebastian move around the kitchen, throwing
ingredients together with practiced ease. You cook? he asked mostly because he wanted to
take his mind off the stupid body wash.

Wow, what gave it away? Sebastian said, grinning at him over his shoulder. Is it the
pancake batter in my hands?

Kurt rolled his eyes, Just because youre making pancakes this morning doesnt mean you
cook.

I do, Sebastian said. Just not very often. We dont work well together in the kitchen.

Why? Kurt asked, leaning forward and tilting his head to fix Sebastian with a curious stare.

We both have serious control issues, Sebastian said with a grin. So if either of us decides
that its our turn to cook, the other one has to stay the fuck away. And since you like cooking
more than I do, Im usually the one staying out of your way. Kurt nodded. But we both
know Im the better cook.

Somehow I dont believe you. Kurt said.

You will after lunch. Sebastian said with a confident wink.

Kurt rested his chin on his fist as Sebastian turned back to the stove and took another sip of
coffee. It hit him then, watching the muscles shift in Sebastians shoulders as he flipped
pancakes, that he was going to be living with this man. Somehow, finding out that they were
married hadnt made the realization sink in sooner Kurt had been too caught up in the
absurdity of the situation to think about anything else.

Now though, everything suddenly felt so real. From the extra toothbrush in the bathroom to
Sebastians bed hair and night clothes this man, who until a few days ago (in his head,
anyway) had been nothing but an irritating presence at Kurts favorite coffee shop was
now living with him. Hed been the last person Kurt saw before going to bed last night and the
first person Kurt had seen this morning.

And hes making me breakfast

Something wrong? Sebastian asked when he turned around and caught the look on Kurts
face. He slid a plate of warm buttermilk pancakes complete with blueberries on top over to
him but Kurt made no move to reach for it. Kurt?

I I dont feel well, Kurt said, pushing the plate away. He stood up, taking his coffee mug
40

with him as he did and ignored the confused expression on Sebastians face. Im going back
to bed.

Sebastian lips were still forming around words when Kurt left, not giving him another glance.
Hed just opened his bedroom door when Burt walked out of his own room, yawning. Hey
kiddo, he said as he made his way towards the bathroom.

Kurt gave him a smile before ducking into the bedroom and shutting the door behind him. He
found his wedding band exactly where hed left it last night on top of his planner inside his
side table drawer. It felt heavier in his hand when he picked it up this time, like the weight of
all it represented was making itself known to him. Kurt turned it over a couple of times before
hesitantly sliding it down his ring finger.
It fit perfectly. Of course.

There was no denying that it was a beautiful ring. Under different circumstances, Kurt might
have spent hours admiring how flawless it looked against his skin. Maybe he had.

At the moment though, it only made him think of Sebastian in the kitchen with an identical
ring and sent a wave of panic through him. He took the ring off and put it back in the drawer.
If hed thought that trying it on would make the situation any less weird for him, he had been
absolutely wrong.

He dropped his head into his hand, pushing his fingers through his wet hair and taking a deep
breath which he immediately regretted when the now familiar scent of Sebastians body wash
filled his nostrils. What the hell have I got myself into? he muttered.
___

Clouds from seemingly nowhere converged in the sky close to midday. Kurt had moved out
into the lounge again and was sitting on the couch with his dad when it started to rain. He lost
track of what his father was talking about he had been catching Kurt up on everyone back
home but even the news of Finn and his family wasnt enough to distract Kurt from the
view.

It was a different kind of beautiful from the morning sunshine. The droplets fell thick and fast
like millions of diamonds falling from the sky, reflecting in the glass of the nearby buildings.
Kurt tilted his head and pressed his cheek to the back of the sofa as he stared outside.

Kurt? his dads voice asked. Kurt hummed, not turning his gaze away from the windows.
What the hell are you looking at?

The rain. Kurt said, Its beautiful.

Youd think youve never seen rain before in your life from the way you look right now. Burt
said with a chuckle.

Sebastian laughed from the kitchen and Kurts gaze flickered towards him. He had asked Kurt
if he was going to explain his behavior at breakfast but Kurt had simply said no and both of
them had left it at that. Now, when their eyes met, Sebastian gave Kurt a warm smile like he
knew exactly how and why Kurt found the rain fascinating. Kurt didnt smile, just blinked at
him as Sebastian turned back to peeling potatoes.

He didnt know how long he spent staring at the rain. Burt had gone back to reading the
41

newspaper and though Kurt wanted ask him so many things about Ohio, his tongue felt heavy
in his mouth and his eyelids were starting to droop. He drifted like he had that morning, still
aware of Burt and Sebastian talking around him but not caring enough to add anything of his
own to the conversation.

The sofa dipped a while later with the weight of another body and Sebastians voice was so
much closer when he said, Ill wake him up in a bit. Yeah, go ahead. Kurt guessed Burt
must have got up and gone somewhere because it was silent after that. He didnt really care;
the sound of the rain hitting the windowpanes and the distant rumble of thunder was sound
enough for him.

Someone, Sebastian probably, had draped a blanket over him at one point because when Kurt
shifted, he felt the blanket move with him. You awake? Sebastians voice asked softly. Kurt
didnt bother responding because he was too comfortable to make the effort; he kept his eyes
closed and continued to breathe deeply.

The light brush of the knuckles against his cheek the next second almost made him jump. His
heart picked up pace and his breath hitched but Sebastian didnt notice because he kept
stroking Kurts face from his temples, down along his cheekbones to his chin and then back
up. Kurt felt the urge to jerk away from the touch but it was soothing and eventually, he
relaxed enough to let a small sigh escape his lips.

Kurt, Sebastian said from far away.

What? Kurt wanted to ask.

Kurt. And that was it. His name once again; soft, tender, loving. The sound washed over his
whole body and filled him with unexplainable warmth. Kurt smiled into his pillow when had
he gotten a pillow? and drifted once more.

42

Part 10
Its raining the day they move into their apartment.

Kurt is tense, terrified that something precious is going to break in the process of bringing the
boxes up. He snaps more than once at Sebastian when he sets down a carton too heavily and
the contents rattle. Sebastian ignores him, stays out of his way for the most part until they
have everything and all thats left is unpacking. Once he slips a few bills into the hands of
their movers, he closes the door and walks over to where Kurt is standing in the middle of a
sea of boxes, staring out the huge windows at the slanting rain.

His arms slip around his waist easily and Kurt stiffens for a second before relaxing back
against him. Theyre quiet for a long moment, the only sound coming from the rain pounding
against the window sill. They havent switched on any lights yet and its dark enough because
of the clouds for it to seem like late evening even though its barely past noon.

Did you remember to tell Paula about the change in moving dates? Kurt asks suddenly.
Because if you didnt then well have to go a whole week without a bed and -

Yes I did, Sebastian says, cutting him off.

And Blaines bringing over the -

Kurt, shut up.

He said hed call by six what time is it right now? You can barely tell the difference between
night and day with all this rain -

Kurt, shh. Sebastian says, kissing the side of Kurts neck. Breathe, baby.

Kurt lets out a long breath and leans back against Sebastians chest. His hand is resting over
Sebastians on his waist and hes isnt sure if he even realizes it, but Kurt starts to trace the
wedding band on Sebastians finger with long, slow strokes. Its been a week since the
ceremony and theyve been wearing their rings for longer than that but the way Kurts finger
moves over the platinum band, barely brushing the skin at the corners makes Sebastian
hyper aware of the little patch of skin.

He breaks the silence all of a sudden, Shit.

What? Kurt asks, Dont tell me we forgot something.

Shit Kurt, Sebastian says again. Kurt turns around in his arms, frowning. Were married.
Kurt laughs for the first time all morning, the sound echoing around the walls of their
apartment. Sebastian drops his forehead to rest against Kurts and laughs with him. What is
so funny? he asks even though hes still grinning.

Kurt reaches up to cup Sebastians face. Dont tell me youre having second thoughts. Not
after weve already agreed to take this place. Because if you are, then Im sorry, well have to
resolve to stay in an unhappy marriage, Im not ready to give up the apartment.

At least the sex will be fantastic, Sebastian says.

Mm, I can guarantee that.
43


Im not having seconds thoughts, Sebastian says when Kurt turns around again and presses
his back against Sebastians chest. Im just worried Im going to screw this up.

Seriously? Kurt says. Shouldnt you have thought of that before we got married?

Do you know how long it took me to finally ask you to move in the first time? Sebastian
says. I dont do this Kurt. Ive never done this. And now weve got these - he held up both
their hands, the bands shining in even the dull light. And its not just an excuse to have more
sex anymore.

So thats what it was last time? Kurt says, turning his head to give him a teasing smile. You
asked me to move in so you could have more sex?

Obviously.

I had a feeling thats what it was all about.

Sebastian smiles and presses his nose to the curve behind Kurts ear, inhaling deeply. Kurt
smells like rain and sweat, tastes the same when

Sebastian replaces his nose with his lips and sucks lightly at the skin. Theres so much
Sebastian wants to say in that moment but he cant find the words. So he nudges Kurts jaw
with his nose until Kurt turns his head and captures his lips in a soft, reassuring kiss.

We can do this, Kurt whispers against his lips, his hand coming back up to cup the side of
Sebastians face. We can.
What if I screw up?

Kurt smiles, I might decide youre worth it and give you a third chance.

Third?

Youve already used up your second.

And it resulted in our marriage. Sebastian says with a grin. I make the most of what I
get.

Kurt twists his body so theyre in a weird, half embrace and kisses him again. Sebastian walks
them both backwards until Kurts back is pressed against the huge windows, his body framed
by the city. He kisses him deeper, sliding his tongue into Kurts mouth and stroking the roof of
his mouth in a way that makes Kurt curl closer to him.

When they have sex for the first time on a blanket on the floor of their new apartment, its
completely unlike the way it had been last time when Kurt had moved in. Last time, Sebastian
had held Kurt up against a wall and fucked him until he went boneless in his arms. This time,
its Kurt who fucks in to him, slow and deep, filling him up until Sebastian cant breathe. Every
touch feels like more of a promise than the last and Sebastian is terrified.

More terrified than he had been when he told Kurt he loved him for the first time, or when he
had finally proposed. Making their wedding vows hadnt been as terrifying as this. This is the
point where the glamour of their wedding that has surrounded them for months comes to an
44

end. This is the first step in an endless staircase that is going to be their life together. There is
so much that could go wrong.

He shudders in Kurts arms when he comes, the sound of his harsh panting overpowered by
the thundering rain. Kurt presses his lips to the curve of his jaw, buries his face in his neck as
he continues to thrust until he comes with a low whimper. They lie together, their chests
sweaty and legs tangled together. Kurts softening cock is still inside Sebastian and the
oversensitivity is almost painful but Sebastian holds Kurt tighter when he tries to move away.

No, he whispers. Stay just a bit longer.

Im staying with you forever, remember? Kurt says with a smile.

I hope so, Sebastian says. I honestly dont know what I would do without you.

Well with any luck, Kurt says, kissing the corner of his mouth and pushing away the sweaty
strands of his hair from his forehead. You want have to do without me.
__

Sebastian shook him awake some time later, his hand gentle but firm. Come on, sleeping
beauty, thats enough.

Dont call me that, Kurt mumbled automatically, fighting the urge to push Sebastian away.
He was still hanging onto the last, lazy shreds of sleep and his body stretched before he had
even opened his eyes.

Sebastian must have thought that he was turning over to go back to sleep because he
groaned. God, you sleep a lot, he said. Wasnt a whole week of unconsciousness enough
for you?

Kurt finally opened his eyes to glare at him but all he got in return was a wide grin. He sat up,
kicking the blanket away from his body. What time is it?

Lunch time, buddy, his father called from the table. Come on. You dont want to miss
this.

Sebastian stepped back when Kurt stood up and there was a brief moment when Kurt looked
at him and remembered the brush of knuckles against his face. What? Sebastian asked, a
crease forming between his brows.

Nothing, Kurt said with a shake of his head. I guess Im still waking up.

45

Part 11
Kurt insisted on doing the dishes after lunch because he felt useless after a day of nothing but
lazing around and napping, though he didnt tell that to Sebastian. When Sebastian tried to
protest and get him to just use the dish washer, Kurt snapped at him. Ive lost my memory,
Sebastian. Not my motor skills. I think I can handle a few plates and glasses.

Jesus, you can wash the fucking dishes. No need to get your claws out. Sebastian said.
Less work for me.

Burt had to run down to the store for a few supplies, he asked them if they needed anything
to which both of them shook their heads. It wasnt until the apartment door closed behind him
that Kurt realized they were alone and that Sebastian was staring at him. He ignored him for
as long as he could, focusing instead on the mechanical task at hand. It felt good to do
something even if it was as simple as washing dishes. Kurt was about to ask if he could take
over cooking duties for the night when Sebastian broke the silence.

So what did you think?

Of what? Kurt asked, not looking at him.

Lunch.

It was okay.

Do you believe me now when I say Im the superior cook?

Kurt chanced a look at Sebastian who was sitting on the stool Kurt had occupied that
morning. You made grilled chicken and mashed potatoes, he said. Not exactly gourmet
cuisine.

I was working with a hangover, Sebastian said, sounding offended. Cut a guy some slack.
Kurt shrugged as he dragged the soaping sponge down a plate. He almost jumped when he
felt Sebastians chest brush against his back. When had he moved from his place? Relax,
tiger. Im just making things easier. Sebastian said, reaching for a towel and grabbing a wet
plate.

I see your habit of calling me names that arent you know, my actual name hasnt died over
the years, Kurt said.

Sebastian grinned. I only use them with specific reason.

What might those be?

Depends, Sebastian said with a shrug, taking another plate from Kurts hand. Either Im
trying to irritate you like I am right now. Or Im in a romantic mood or - he stopped when he
saw that Kurt had tensed. I mostly just call you Kurt. he finished quickly.

The silence between them was awkward for a second before the ringtone of Sebastians cell
phone filled the apartment. Are you trying to wake the dead? Kurt asked, looking over at
the coffee table where the phone was vibrating along with the sound. He thought he saw a
hint of bitterness in Sebastians smile.

46

It was Blaine, promising to come by after work with dinner. Kurt do you want Chinese or
pizza? Sebastian called out.

Anything as long as its not dripping with grease, Kurt said.

Just grab a few burgers. Sebastian said and Kurt somehow knew just by his tone that he
was rolling his eyes. No, hes got his hands occupied at the moment. You can talk to him
when you see him later.

Kurt almost turned around and told Sebastian to give him the phone anyway, he was so eager
to talk to Blaine but by then, Sebastian had already hung up. At least he would see him this
evening, Kurt said to himself. He couldnt stop the grin that spread on his face at the
prospect.
__

Kurt spent the rest of the afternoon browsing his closet. For the most part, he had to fight the
urge to grab his laptop and start researching fashion trends over the past ten years. He found
a few pieces with a tag that had the initials KH on them and it took a surprising amount of
time for Kurt to recognize that they were actually his designs. His surprised shout was so
loud, both Burt and Sebastian appeared in his doorway within seconds. Kurt flushed a deep
shade of red and waved them off but Sebastian stayed anyway, his grin telling Kurt he knew
exactly what had prompted the exclamation.

Youre still working on a proper clothing line, he said, sitting down on the bed much to
Kurts dismay. But youve been making stuff for yourself for ages.
Kurt was silent as he ran his hand over the shirt. He almost asked Sebastian to tell him more
about his designs, about his job but then he looked up and saw the way Sebastian had slid
back on the bed and was lounging there as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Even
though Kurt knew this was technically their bed, seeing Sebastian spread out like that, with
the shadows of raindrops playing on his skin made him feel uncomfortable.

He was considering the politest way to tell him to leave when he heard Blaines voice out in
the hall, greeting Burt. His heart skipped a beat and he quickly turned back to check his
reflection in the full length mirror in his closet. His hair was a mess and his clothes werent as
flattering as they could be, especially after a morning spent rolling around in them, but at
least he looked better than he had at the hospital.

Sebastian didnt notice Kurts sudden jumpiness. He called out to Blaine from his position on
the bed and grinned lazily at him when Blaine walked through the bedroom door. Kurts
breath caught in his throat at the sight of him. His hair was dripping with thick droplets of
water that fell down in big blotches onto his powder blue button down. The first two buttons
were open to reveal a patch of bronze skin damp with rain and Kurt flashed back to the night
Blaines parents had been out of town and the two of them had spent hours just mouthing
over each others body.

Hey, Blaine said with a bright smile, oblivious to the sudden racing in Kurts heart as he
made his way towards him.

Hi, Kurt managed to say with a smile. He didnt resist when Blaine pulled him into a hug but
he did feel a flash of heat shoot through him when he kissed Kurts cheek. Sebastian seemed
unfazed by the display of affection and it surprised Kurt given how his last meeting with
Blaine had ended on the news of their break up but maybe they were the sort of friends who
kissed? Blaine had always been very physically affectionate; Kurt shouldnt have been
47

surprised that the habit would have stuck after all these years. A kiss on the cheek was
probably as normal as a handshake for him by this point.

How are you doing? Blaine asked as Kurt joined him and Sebastian on the bed.

He spent the whole day napping, Sebastian said with a grin and Kurt elbowed him in the
thigh, his eyes fixed on the way Blaines grin widened.

Well thats good, right? You need your rest.

Yeah, I guess. Kurt said.

It felt oddly familiar sitting on the bed talking to the two of them; his husband and his best.
Kurt rolled around the words on tongue as if they would make the roles of these boys any
more real in his head. As if the warmth he felt when he looked at Blaine would transfer to
when he looked at Sebastian.

It never did.

When Sebastian said he was going to go the bathroom, Kurt almost grabbed his hand and told
him to stay because he felt as if a whole cage of butterflies had been let loose in his stomach
at the thought of staying alone with Blaine in his bedroom.

Blaine just smiled at him though, playing with one of the cushions as he asked, So howre
things with Sebastian?

Kurt shrugged, Were getting along. I guess.

Give him a chance, Kurt.

I have. Kurt said. I just keep thinking about the last time I did.

Blaine looked at him long and hard, as if he was weighing his words before he said them.
That was a long time ago. A lot of things have changed.

Youre telling me, Kurt said with a roll of his eyes.

Its stopped raining, Blaine said and Kurt was about to call him out on his sudden change of
topic when Blaine asked, Have you been on the roof yet? Kurt shook his head. Oh my god,
you havent? Come on, the timing is perfect. The sun hasnt set yet.

Kurt found himself being dragged out the bedroom towards the apartment door as Blaine
shouted a quick, Were going to the roof! to Burt over his shoulder.

Kurt was too focused on the feeling of Blaines hand around his wrist to pay attention to
where they were going. He only looked up when they stepped out onto the roof, still a little
wet from a day of nonstop rain.
Wow, Kurt breathed.

Its beautiful isnt it? Blaine asked, letting go of his hand and stepping forward.
Surprisingly, no one ever comes up here so we can hang out and never have to worry about
intruding on someone elses space.
48


Kurt walked over to the ledge and looked out at the city, Blaine coming to stand beside him,
his face turned towards the sky. Kurt looked at him, his hand aching to reach out and touch
his cheek, trace over the end of day stubble there. Instead, he turned back to the buildings
around him and asked, Youve been in New York longer than me, right?

Only by three years. Give or take a couple of months.

And to think I was always worried about how you would deal with being left behind. Kurt
said quietly. Blaine gave him a small smile but didnt press the subject. Blaine, Kurt said,
turning his body towards him. Why did we break up?

We were we were fighting a lot. Blaine said. The distance was getting to us both and
every time we promised each other wed try and make it work, about ten things would go
wrong simultaneously and it would make everything that much harder.

Did either of us...cheat? When Blaine didnt reply, Kurt felt his heart sink.

No, he said finally. Not in the literal sense. But emotionally, I think we had moved on a
long time before we finally ended things.

That was worse than anything. Kurt felt tears start to gather in his eyes at the thought of him
and Blaine struggling to make a relationship work when neither of them was emotionally
invested anymore. It just wasnt something he could process right now. He could never think
of a point where he didnt love Blaine with all his heart.

Im glad I dont remember it. Kurt said in a quiet voice. I dont want to remember falling
out of love with you. I dont I cant think of how I ever could.

We moved on, Kurt. That was all. Blaine said. We still love each other, just not in the way
we used to. Its not any less intense just different.

Kurt wiped his eyes, trying to stop the tears from escaping. He didnt want to cry. Not over
something he was sure he had already devoted several hours to crying over. You know what
the worst part is? Kurt asked. Its not that we broke up its how I dont remember all the
good stuff in the years we were together. Senior prom, winning Nationals together, sneaking
you into my dorm room did I sneak you into my dorm room?

Blaine grinned. A couple of times.

Kurt laughed. It sounded wet. See?

Well you still have pictures of all of it. Maybe not the dorm room part, but Nationals and
prom facebook is probably full of them.

I just, Kurt took a deep breath. I guess Im looking for some sort of closure.

Closure? Blaine repeated, frowning a little.

Kurt looked at him and nodded slowly, eyes raking over his face and still seeing the same
Blaine he had always seen, just a little older. Blaine, he said in an almost terrified whisper.
Can I kiss you?

49

Blaines face immediately became guarded. Kurt -

No, please. Just listen to me. Kurt said, cutting him off. Just one time. One last time. Think
of it as a consolation prize for missing out on the years of being together that I dont
remember. Please, Blaine.

Kurt, youre - Kurt knew he was going to say married but he didnt. Blaine looked at him
with hesitation and sympathy, the same way he had looked at him the first time Kurt had
confessed his crush to him. Kurts heart pounded while he waited for Blaines answer, he
could see his mind working behind his eyes. Finally, he took a deep breath and said For
closure?

Kurt smiled, relief washing over him. For closure.
Where did Kurt and Blaine go? Sebastian asked after he came out of the bathroom to find
the bedroom empty.

Burt was watching football and didnt look away from the screen when he said, They went up
on the roof or something.

Sebastian slipped into a pair of sandals and took the stairs two at a time, finding the door
wide open when he got to the top. The sun was just about setting but there was still enough
light to make out Kurt and Blaine standing off to his left. Sebastian made a move towards
them but stopped in his tracks when he saw how they were pressed together.

For a moment he thought his eyes must have been playing tricks on him, he grappled for an
explanation that would explain why Blaine was currently cupping Kurts face with both hands
or why Kurt had his fingers threaded through Blaines curls, holding him close. His brain tried
and failed to give him a valid answer and as much as he wanted to, as much it felt like a blow
to heart every second he kept staring, Sebastian couldnt look away.

He stood frozen, feeling sick as he watched the two of them kiss; his husband and his best
friend.

50

Part 12
Sebastian didnt remember going back downstairs. He didnt answer when Burt asked him if
something was wrong, just walked past him into the bedroom where everything had been so
perfect just a few minutes ago and shut the door. The image of Kurt and Blaine seemed to be
burned into the back of his eyelids, every time he so much as blinked, he was treated to the
sight of them kissing with a passion he hadnt seen between them in years.

It wasnt like Sebastian hadnt anticipated Kurts feelings towards Blaine, he just hadnt
expected them to lead anywhere because he had never thought Blaine would let them. He
didnt know whether he was more hurt or angry. Probably a wild mixture of both.

The door opened and Blaine walked in, looking surprised when he saw Sebastian standing in
the middle of the room. Oh hey we were wondering where you were. he said, but
Sebastian noticed how he was avoiding his gaze.

Wheres Kurt? Sebastian asked, his voice surprisingly calm.

Hes still on the roof. I guess he wanted to look at the view a bit longer.

Really? Sebastian said in a flat voice.

Yeah, Blaine gave him a small smile and rubbed the back of his neck. Sebastian wondered if
he knew how the guilt was seeping through every moment of his body. His eyes kept
flickering from Sebastian to the windows before he finally said, Listen Sebastian, I think Im
going to stay away for a bit.

Stay away?

I think its best for all of us.

Did something happen? Sebastian asked.

No, no. Nothing happened. Blaine said quickly.

Why dont you say that again, Blaine? Sebastian said, his voice dangerously calm. With a
little more conviction this time.

Blaine looked at Sebastian with panicked eyes. I dont - What?

Ill tell you what, Sebastian said, stepping closer to him. I just saw you kissing my husband
not two minutes ago. Blaines expression froze and Sebastian felt a tinge of satisfaction at
how the color drained from his face. And instead of dealing with how big of a dick you are to
do that to me and to Kurt, youre just going to run away.

Its not like that -

Isnt it? Sebastian said, his anger rising to the surface now. Whats it like then Blaine?
Because from what it looked like, you were definitely kissing my husband on that roof
knowing full well how he feels about you and how having you kiss him is the last thing he
needs right now!

Sebastian -
51


Youre my best friend, you asshole! Sebastian shouted, not bothering to keep his voice low.
What the fuck were you thinking? How could you possibly have justified doing something like
that?

Kurt said -

Kurt is stuck ten years in the past. Youre not!

Blaine opened and closed his mouth but decided against saying anything. Sebastian fought
the urge to hit him, balled his hands into fists at his side instead and breathed through his
nose in an attempt to calm himself.

Get out, he said finally.

Blaine blinked. What?

I said get out. Youre right, its best if you stay away for a while. Its bad enough that Kurt
hates me right now, I dont need you making things worse than they already are.

Im sorry, Blaine said, rubbing his face with his hand. I really am.

Sebastian didnt say anything, just clenched his jaw and waited for Blaine to leave. Blaine
looked at him with a desperate expression on his face as if he was searching for the right
words to fix everything but then he just nodded, looking as broken as Sebastian felt when he
left.
Dinner was tense. Burt kept looking at Sebastian with a questioning frown but he didnt press
for any details even though he was bound to have heard bits of his argument with Blaine.
Instead, he kept up a steady stream of conversation with Kurt, talking about meaningless
things which Kurt only replied to in monosyllables. For the first time, Sebastian wished Burt
hadnt been there; he knew he was only trying to help but Sebastian didnt need anyones
help right now. What he needed was time alone with Kurt so they could both figure this out
without anyones misguided attempts at helping them.

His frustration with him faded away when Burt got up and declared he was going to bed early.
Sebastian waited until the bedroom door had shut behind him before he finally turned his
gaze to Kurt. He hadnt asked where Blaine had gone nor had he said one word to Sebastian
throughout the evening. He chewed his food in silence, sniffing occasionally in a way that
made Sebastian think he was fighting tears.

Are you okay? he asked.

Kurt shrugged.

Kurt?

Im done, Kurt said, dropping the rest of his burger onto his plate. I cant eat anymore. It
feels like Im stuffing cotton in my mouth.

Do you want a drink?

I think Im going to go to bed. Kurt said, pushing back his chair and standing up.
52


Wait, Sebastian said and Kurt sighed, turning to look at him impatiently. Sebastian stood
up, careful not to step into Kurts comfort zone, knowing he would close off even further.
Dont go to bed yet.

Im tired.

You spent the whole day sleeping! Sebastian backtracked when he saw the way Kurts eyes
narrowed. Can we just I dont know, talk?

Why? Kurt asked as if the idea was ridiculous.

Do we need a reason? Sebastian said, trying his best to hide his desperation. I just want to
talk.

Kurt looked at him closely for a moment and Sebastian felt hopeful that he would nod and sit
back down but Kurt just shook his head and said, Im really not in the mood right now.

Sebastian stood looking after him for a long time, his mind swimming and his stomach
clenching painfully before he found himself walking down the hall towards his bedroom, a new
determination in his step. He didnt knock, just opened the door and walked in. Kurt looked up
in alarm from where he was sitting on the bed and wiped his face hastily before he glared at
him, What?

Are you even trying? Sebastian said, closing the door behind him and crossing his arms.

I dont know what youre talking about. What are you doing in my room?

This is our room.

Kurt huffed. Sebastian, just leave me alone.

I dont think you are, Sebastian continued, ignoring him. I dont think you care about us
enough to try and make this work.

What is that supposed to mean? Kurt said, standing up.

It means Im your husband and you couldnt care less about me or how I feel in about all of
this.

See this is exactly what I was talking about, Kurt said, shaking his head. I feel like
Im obligated to love you just because youre my husband and you make it so difficult to try
and -

Thats just it, though! Sebastian said, his body practically shaking. You arent trying. Youre
not making the slightest effort to remember anything.

I didnt know there was a rulebook of how to go about regaining your memory. Kurt
snapped.

You dont need a rulebook to tell you that you dont go around kissing your ex boyfriends
when youre married, Kurt!
53

Kurt froze, much like Blaine had. He told you? he asked in a quiet voice.

I saw you both, Sebastian said. Do you have any idea how I felt when I -

Do you have any idea how I feel?! Kurt said, cutting him off. His posture was defensive,
tears gathering in his eyes. So much has changed and Ive barely had time to process it. Its
not as easy as pushing a button, Sebastian. My memory isnt going to return just because
I tried to remember something. He put his hands to his temples and massaged them in slow
circles, letting out a deep breath. Everything is just so damn confusing for me right now, he
said, looking back up at Sebastian with wet eyes. I know I promised to try and make this
work but its not working. Im sorry. The truth is that I dont love you. I cant love you. I
just cant. And wearing some stupid, expensive rings isnt going to change that.

Sebastians body didnt give him any warning. The tears sprung to his eyes and started
streaming down his cheeks before he had a chance to do anything about them. Kurt seemed
to realize what hed said and his face changed; his lips parted and the crease in his eyebrow
disappeared, replaced instead by guilt carved into every inch of his features. Sebastian, I
didnt -

You were right before, Sebastian said through his tears. Youre not my husband. Youre not
my Kurt.

Kurts eyes flared with anger and he took a step forward, the words falling from his lips
almost like a reflex. I am your Kurt.

There was a stunned pause after that where they both stared at each other and Sebastian felt
his heart skip a few beats in succession. The sheer force with which Kurt had said the words
sent a shiver through him and it took all his self control to remain standing where he was and
not reach out and grab Kurt.

54

Part 13
I I dont know where that came from, Kurt said in a shocked whisper. His whole body was
quivering; the rushing sound in his ears was back and a disgusting throbbing had started up
in his head, the kind that occurred after he had spent a long time crying. He pressed the heel
of his hands to both his eyes and tried to block his vision, tried to take deep calming breaths
and clear his head.

His words were still echoing in his head.

I am your Kurt

He hadnt even been aware of what hed said until the words were hanging in the air between
them. It had been as natural as saying, are you crazy? when someone insisted that flip flops
were considered respectable footwear. He didnt know what had prompted it except for the
fact that the second he had seen Sebastian start to cry, guilt had washed over him like a tidal
wave and all hed wanted to do was make it better.

When Sebastian had said he wasnt his Kurt, it had hurt. There was no reason for his words to
hurt, they were true Kurt had said as much himself. He wasnt Sebastians husband, he
wasnt the same Kurt and yet, something inside him had flared up and felt the need to fight
back.

It was like there was another him struggling to come to the surface, to fix what Kurt was
screwing up. A Kurt who took comfort in the smell of Sebastians body wash, who curled up
close to him in his sleep and wore his wedding band proudly rather than hiding it away in a
drawer. A Kurt who felt Sebastians pain as strongly as if it were his own and refused to let
himself be the cause of it.

Sebastians Kurt.

Kurt wanted to rip him out of his body and throw him at Sebastian. Say here, you have him.
Now leave me alone.

Instead, he was stuck battling with him, trying to reconcile that Kurts feelings with his own
feelings. It was exhausting and confusing.

Kurt, Sebastians voice was gentle, closer.

Just go away, Kurt said without any force.

Kurt, look at me. Sebastians voice was calm, pleading and it was that, more than anything
that made Kurt open his eyes and look at him. Are you okay? he asked.

Im fine, Kurt said, taking a step back to put some distance between them.

To his dismay, Sebastian only stepped closer. You dont look fine.

Sebastian - but Kurt didnt have the energy to say anything else except, Im sorry. He
wished hed opened a lamp or something because it suddenly felt too close, too personal
standing here in the dark with Sebastian barely an arms length away from him. Im sorry,
he said again. I shouldnt have lashed out at you, I shouldnt have kissed Blaine but I wasnt
thinking and -
55


Hey - hey, ssh. Sebastian said, closing the last few inches between them and wrapping his
arms around Kurt. The promise hed made last night to keep his distance seemed to have
flown out the window for all the care Sebastian took to stay at a respectful distance.

No, dont - Kurt said, trying to twist away from the embrace but Sebastian didnt budge.
Something told him he was used to Kurt pushing him away when he was upset but unlike
everyone else, he didnt back down.

Marriage perks a voice in his head said.

Kurt didnt want to cry, he really didnt. But there was something about the way Sebastian
was cradling his head against his chest with his other arm wrapped tightly around Kurts waist
that made him want to cry. A battle seemed to be raging between how his body wanted to
press in closer and let Sebastian hold him and how his mind refused to come to terms with
the fact that he was letting Sebastian Smythe comfort him.

His body won because Kurt let out a shuddering breath and relaxed in Sebastians arms.
Sensing the sudden lack of resistance, Sebastian tightened his grip. His fingers threaded
through Kurts hair, stroking along his scalp in a slow, soothing motion and his chin came to
rest on top of his head.

You dont have to be sorry, he said, his voice barely above a whisper. You have issues to
sort out, I get that. I just wish you would let me help you instead of going to someone else.
I wasnt thinking of you when I kissed him. Kurt said. Maybe I should have, but I wasnt.
You have to understand that I didnt mean to hurt you.

I know you didnt. Sebastian said with a sigh. You dont care about me enough to think of
hurting of me no, dont try to deny it. Its the truth and we both know it.

If I didnt care, Kurt said slowly. I wouldnt have apologized. I wasnt lying when I said I
dont love you. I dont. But I do care about you. To some extent, at least.

You didnt just say you dont love me, Kurt. You said you cant. Sebastian said, looking
heartbroken.

If there was any way to talk all of his words back, Kurt would. The hurt on Sebastians face
was breaking him more than his own pain.

Were in the same situation, he thought with a burning sadness. We both woke up one day to
find out that the person we love most doesnt love us back anymore.

Kurt hated feeling like he owed something to anyone but he knew he owed it to Sebastian to
be honest with him. If Blaine had closed himself off and refused to talk to Kurt, it would have
torn his heart apart. He may not have been Sebastian's Kurt one hundred percent but he was
all Sebastian had and it may have been an obligation, but it was something Kurt would have
expected too if the situation were reversed.

When I was in the hospital, Kurt said quietly, Doctor Hendricks told me that one of the
main causes of stress in my situation would be the complete lack of control I had over my life.
She said that since this version of my life isnt going to make any sense to me, I might try
and hold on to everything I know from my past in order to feel less lost.
56


And thats what you were doing with Blaine. It wasnt a question, just a statement. You
were trying to feel less lost.

I was looking for closure. Kurt said. Its easier to let go of things like not going to NYADA or
never making it on to Broadway because I dont remember experiencing them. But Blaine
meant so much to me. He was one of the best things that ever happened in Lima. You cant
hate me for wanting to hold on to how safe I felt with him.

I dont hate you. Sebastian said. You just hate me.

Kurt closed his eyes and took a deep breath. I hate the Sebastian that I remember, he said
when he opened his eyes again. Youre not him. Its just difficult for me to separate you
two.

Kurt, be honest before, when you said youre my Kurt, what were you thinking?

I wasnt thinking.

You were thinking something.

Kurt shook his head. I wasnt. I had no idea Id said the words until a second after Id said
them.

You know what I think? Sebastian said. I think somewhere in here... his hand came up to
brush Kurts temple and trace back over his head. Somewhere in your unconscious mind, you
remember me. Its like you said yesterday, you know theres a reason you married me.
You know theres a part of you loves me but you dont let that part of you come out
consciously because the idea of loving me scares you too much.

How do you know me so well? For the second time that night, Kurt wasnt able to stop the
words until hed already said them.

Sebastian smiled, his hand drifting down from his forehead to touch Kurts cheek lightly.
Because, he said. If youre my Kurt, then Im also your Sebastian.
Every single pair of eyes present is trained on them, Sebastian is well aware of this fact. He
forces himself to ignore everyone, focuses instead on Kurt who is currently smiling at him, his
arms wrapped tightly around Sebastians waist.

Years of slowly falling in love, months of crazy preparation and here they finally are. Sharing
their first dance as a married couple.

So are we KurtandSebastian or SebastianandKurt? Kurt asks with a teasing smile.

Lets stick to Kurt and Sebastian. Sebastian replies, tugging Kurt closer and daring enough
to slip his hands lower on his waist so theyre resting just above the swell of his ass. Dont go
all coupley on me. Im freaked out enough as it is. Kurt laughs and leans up to kiss Sebastian
with just the barest brush of his lips. Tease. Sebastian grumbles when he pulls away.

Youre mine forever now. Kurt says, his eyes shining.

Sebastian drops his forehead to rest against Kurt, his heart aching with the sheer amount of
57

love he feels for this man in this moment. He kisses the corner of Kurts mouth, brushes their
noses together and breathes in deeply. Ive only ever been yours. Difference is, now its
official.

58

Part 14
For the first time since the accident, Kurt woke up the next day feeling light and happy. Not
happy, exactly. Just calm. He didnt need a moment to take in his surroundings, his eyes
were already expecting to see the blinds hed let down over the windows before he went to
bed last night. It had been in anticipation of blocking the sunlight so he could sleep in longer
but it had been of no use judging by the time on his bedside alarm clock, it was just past
dawn.

Kurt stretched before turning on his side to face the empty side of the bed. He wondered what
it felt like to wake up in the mornings with Sebastian sleeping next to him, whether Sebastian
had any annoying sleeping habits like hogging the blankets or snoring or talking in his sleep.
Did he still find them endearing or were they already at the point where snoring would result
in a smack to the face with a pillow accompanied by shut up, Im trying to sleep.

Marriage had always been something Kurt thought about even when it was never a possibility
for him growing up in Ohio. It had been a glamorous, idealized version of events more than
anything. The rings, the suits, the cake. Hed dreamed of what song he would dance to with
his husband for the first time and where they would go on their honeymoon.

This part of married life, the realistic part, was something he hadnt given much thought to.
He hadnt had the chance to digest the idea of being married and all that it would entail.
Instead, hed found himself thrust headfirst into all of it.

Sebastian was he was not the husband Kurt had dreamed of - but last night had changed
the way Kurt looked at things. He wasnt ready to jump into their relationship with everything
he had yet, but he was willing to make a conscious effort to recognize, if not remember, the
reasons he had fallen in love with him. It wasnt going to be a situation he resigned himself to
anymore, he was going to make it a choice something he wanted - because the truth was,
after last night, he did want this.

Things werent any less confusing for him, but there had been a moment, several moments in
fact when he had felt at peace with everything and it had been because of Sebastian. He
made things feel less like a burden. Burt, Blaine, Rachel, Finn - everyone he had talked to
since waking up had promised to be there for him whenever he needed them. Kurt was
grateful and he knew their concern came from a place of caring but there was something
different about Sebastian.

Even with all the crap Kurt had given him, with all the complications of their situation, there
was an underlying promise of were in this together. Something deeper than what he had with
everyone else, even his dad. Sebastian was his - as crazy, as scary, as absurd as that was
Sebastian was his. They were in this together and it wasnt just because they were married. It
was because they loved each other, a love strong enough that Kurt could recognize the
strength of it without any memory of how they reached that point.

Sebastian had been right, Kurt hadnt been trying. He hadnt felt comfortable enough to try
and think about their relationship, hed been too fixated on everything else. Now that he was
beginning to understand bits and pieces, he wanted to try. Letting go of the past had been
the first step, it was time to step into the present and take control of his life as it was instead
of hanging onto the fragments he remembered.
Sleep feeling like a lost cause, Kurt rolled out of bed straight into the bathroom. He would
need to shave soon and their tub was begging for him to try it out but Kurt felt too lazy to do
59

anything other than brush his teeth at the moment.

Sebastian was fast asleep when Kurt walked into the lounge. Kurt noted with a certain level of
relief that he wasnt snoring. He was, however, falling off the sofa.

So, he took up a lot of space while sleeping. Great.

Kurt poured himself some juice and searched around in the cupboards for some cereal. Once
again, he felt the urge to cook something but he didnt want to wake Sebastian by the clatter
of pots and pans so he stuck to a simple breakfast.

He had brought his planner outside with him and he flipped through the pages as he ate. The
dates prior to his accident were filled with notes and appointments. Kurt read through them
with interest the name Van came up more than once; Tell Van to return samples, Have Van
call in Mrs. Trevor , Ask Van if shell cover with app. with David K. at 2. From the looks of it,
Kurt guessed she was his assistant.

I have an assistant. Wow

Most of the recent pages were not as inked down. The upcoming Saturday had been crossed
out completely; the words GO ON A DATE WITH MY FUCKING HUSBAND written in large,
block letters across it. Kurt stared at them for a long time before he shut his planner and
pushed it away.
Yeah, not ready to throw himself into the relationship yet.

Hey, Kurt looked up to find his dad smiling at him. Watchya doing?

Nothing, just going through stuff. Kurt said. Do you want breakfast?

I just want coffee, Burt said, wandering over to the coffee maker. His gaze fell on Sebastian
and he sighed. I feel so bad about him sleeping out here.

Kurt looked over his shoulder at the sofa at Sebastians sleeping form. Im not ready to sleep
with him yet, he said, cringing when he realized the implications of the statement.

Burt didnt seem to catch any underlying meaning because all he said was, Im not saying
you should. Im saying I feel bad for taking up what could have been his bedroom in this
situation.

Im sure he doesnt mind, dad. Kurt said.

Yeah but, do I really need to be here?

Of course you do, Kurt said immediately.

Look kid, if you need me, Ill stay. But I think what you need is some time alone with him.
he looked at Sebastian pointedly before looking back at Kurt who had now started worrying
his bottom lip between his teeth. I feel like Im in your way.

Youre not, Kurt said.

Sebastian stirred awake behind them and the conversation came to a halt as both Kurt and
Burt turned to watch him roll off the sofa onto the floor with a muffled, Oooph,
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Yup. Burt said, pouring himself a cup of coffee. I think Ill check into a hotel tonight.
__

What are you doing? Sebastian asked when he came out of the shower a while later and
saw Kurt going through the kitchen cupboards again.

Looking for ingredients, Kurt said. Im making lunch today.

Why?

Because I have this urge to cook, Kurt said, pulling out a packet of egg noodles. Get some
semblance of normalcy back in my life. Sebastian shrugged and reached for the cereal box
Kurt had left on the counter. Kurt caught a whiff of his body wash and he couldnt stop
himself from inhaling deeply. He was glad Sebastian got distracted by the sight of Kurts
planner to notice. Yeah, I was going through that earlier. Kurt said when he saw the frown
on his face.

Did it jog your memory on anything? Sebastian asked but his voice wasnt hopeful.

Nope.

Big surprise.

Kurt shrugged and turned back to the ingredients he had taken out. There was a sudden
tension in his shoulders that hadnt been present before Sebastian came out. He couldnt
concentrate on the task at hand when he was constantly reminded of last night and how he
had let himself be more vulnerable in front of Sebastian than he ever had before.

You know what, he said, putting the packet of noodles back inside the cupboard. Lets just
order something.

Sebastian continued to chew his cereal, frowning. What happened to gaining some
semblance of normalcy? he asked.

I have questions, Kurt said, leaning over the counter. And youre going to answer them.

61

Part 15
A friend of Burts in the city had called him for a day of catching up; Kurt had a suspicion that
Burt was lying but he didnt stop his dad when he tried to leave. He just hugged him and
asked him to have dinner with them before he went to his hotel that night.

He doesnt have to go to a hotel when we have a guest room. Sebastian said, folding the
blanket hed been using for the night and draping it over the back of the sofa. Thats why
theyre called guest rooms. Theyre for guests.

Kurt didnt say anything, just leaned against the front door and watched Sebastian rearrange
the cushions on the couch. He still looked tired and the fact that hed changed right back into
his sweatpants and the t-shirt that hed slept in after his shower didnt make him look any
fresher. Kurt almost pushed him into the bedroom and told him to sleep but Sebastian turned
around and asked, So how are we doing this?

Uh - Kurt hadnt actually thought about this part. He had questions, but just like
immediately after his accident, there was no cohesion to them. Sebastian raised his
eyebrows, waiting. How about we go through pictures and I ask questions as they come up?
Maybe the visuals will help.

Sebastian shrugged. We dont have albums so youre going to have to get your laptop.

His laptop, it turned out, was locked. Kurt looked to Sebastian expectantly where he was
sitting next to him on one of the kitchen stools. Sebastian grinned, his eyes glinting with
something playful and wicked. Kurt knew that look well, it was the same look Sebastian had
got when hed first said I dont like you at the Lima Bean years ago.

What? Kurt asked.

Sebastians grin widened. Wouldnt it be fun if I didnt tell you your password?

No it wouldnt.

I think it would.

I think you need to stop smirking and tell me my damn password. Kurt said, narrowing his
eyes in warning.

Sebastian crossed his arms over his chest and grinned. No, I dont think so.

Sebastian, Kurt said in a warning tone.

Kurt, he replied calmly.

Kurts jaw tightened. Fine, he said, turning back to his laptop. I dont need your help.

He was determined to retrieve his password from the depths of his memory if he had to but it
was as if someone had wiped his mind completely because he couldnt eventry and think of
possible passwords. Knowing it would never work, he typed in the password he remembered
for his old laptop. Predictably, it was wrong. Kurt exhaled through his nose and clicked the
hint button that had popped up at the incorrect guess.

62

I dont need a hint for my own password and if youre not me, why would I give you one?

He could feel Sebastian shaking with silent laughter next to him but Kurt didnt turn his head
to look at him, just clenched his hand into a fist next to his laptop and said, Shut up.

Sebastian burst out laughing at that, the sound echoing around the apartment. Kurt felt his
irritation flare; Sebastian must have sensed it because he choked on a laugh and said, Okay.
Okay. Sorry.

Are you done being a jerk now? Kurt asked, raising an eyebrow.

For the time being, Sebastian said, tilting the laptop towards himself and typing in the
password too fast for Kurt to read the keys. He forgot to ask him what it was for future
reference when his desktop came up and he caught sight of his wallpaper. It was a
photograph of the two of them. The dim lights and several empty cups next to Kurts elbow
made him think they were at a party of some sort. Sebastian had his head on Kurts shoulder
and Kurts cheek was pressed to the top of his hair. Their eyes were slightly bloodshot but
their grins were loose and genuine.

Kurt didnt move for a second, just stared at how happy picture Kurt looked and wondered if
there was a possibility he could ever feel like that with Sebastian again.

I dont know if you remember, but you have to press that little icon over there to access the
internet. Sebastian said from beside him. He looked unfazed by the picture, still intent on
teasing Kurt. With how grateful he was that this hadnt become awkward, Kurt forgot to retort
and clicked the browser icon in silence.
His heart was thumping as he opened up Facebook, knowing that there were probably
hundreds of pictures just like his wallpaper waiting for him. Kurt had so far avoided spending
too much time dwelling on the photographs of him and Sebastian that were scattered all over
the apartment. It was hard enough to come to terms with the living, breathing version of
Sebastian right in front of him, he hadnt felt the need to weigh himself down with picture
Sebastian too.

Oh god, dont tell me you dont have your passwords saved on this, Sebastian said
suddenly, pulling Kurt from his thoughts.

Hm?

You dont keep yourself logged in?

Apparently not, Kurt said.

Well this is a problem.

Why?

Because genius, Sebastian said with a roll of his eyes. I dont know your Facebook
password.

I refuse to believe you never Facebook stalked me. Kurt said with a raised eyebrow.

Of course I did, Sebastian scoffed. But it kind of loses its appeal after you get married. I
63

dont even remember the last time I was on your profile. I have no need of knowing your
password.

Kurt sighed and turned his eyes back to the blue and white of Facebooks login page. This
sucks.

Im pretty sure Blaine knows, Sebastian said, his voice laced with air of forced causality. He
changes your statuses to something ridiculous at least once a month. Kurt fought back a
smile; Blaine would. Ill get the phone, Sebastian said, pushing back his stool and standing
up. The corners of his mouth were turned down but he forced a smile when he came back
with his cell phone, Blaines number already dialed in.

Hello? Blaines voice sounded tentative but hopeful. He must have thought it was Sebastian,
Kurt realized with a pang. The details of Sebastians conversation with Blaine after the kiss
were unknown to him, but he knew enough to guess that they werent exactly on good terms
at the moment.

Um, hey. Its me.

Kurt? Blaine said in a surprised voice. Hey, are you okay?

Im fine. Whats my Facebook password? Might as well get straight to the point..

Your Facebook password?

Yes, Blaine. Kurt said with some impatience. My password. Sebastian says you might know
it.

Uh yeah, I do. I think. You threatened to change it after last time but its worth a shot.
Try pinap1

Kurt typed it into the bar and pressed enter, holding his breath as the page refreshed. He
sighed when it directed him to his homepage. It worked, he said with a grin. What does
pinap1 mean?

Blaine laughed, Password is not a password. The 1 stands for an exclamation point.

Thanks, Blaine.

No problem.

Kurt cut the call and scanned the homepage, ignoring the red bubble that told him he had
over 100 notifications. The layout is different from what I remember, he said absently.

Why would Facebook not keep the same layout they had ten years ago? What were
they thinking?

Kurt turned to glare at Sebastian. Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed this
morning?

I didnt wake up in a bed, Sebastian said with a grin.

Kurt huffed. Just shut up for a minute, okay? He clicked through to his profile; it was just
64

as confusing as his home page but he skimmed through the basics, feeling only marginally
uncomfortable when he saw Married to Sebastian Smythe as his relationship status.

Nicole S.? he asked when he saw his work information.

Thats the label you work for.

Never heard of it.

Sebastian smiled. Lets leave that one for now. Too many resulting questions.

Isnt that the point of all this? Kurt asked. Asking questions?

Do you really want to waste our time talking about work?

Its a part of my life isnt it?

If a picture related to work comes up, well talk. Sebastian said. Okay?

Kurt turned back to the screen. His wall was full of posts from friends and co workers giving
him their best wishes. More than half of the names were unfamiliar to him. There was too
much to go through so he gave up and clicked through to what he hoped were his photo
archives. Sebastian laughed at the look on his face when he saw the number of pictures he
was tagged in.
Oh my god, he said in disbelief. How am I supposed to go through all of these? Its going
to take forever.

You do have ten years worth of catching up to do, Sebastian said with a shrug.

Kurt glared at him. Youre not helping.

Tell you what. Sebastian said, setting down his mug. How about we go through photos
others have tagged of you instead of going through every album individually. You can see
more stuff that way. Unless - he paused, eyes flickering from the screen to Kurts face. Is
there someone in particular you want to stalk?

Blaine, you Kurt thought but all he said was, No. Tagged pictures are fine.

Sebastian nodded and tilted the laptop towards himself again so he could get to the right
page. There, he said, sliding the laptop back to Kurt. Those are pictures of your Nationals
trip. Just keep going forward.

There was so much to cover. Kurt went through endless photographs, flicking through them
so fast in his haste, they became a blur. Sebastian told him to slow down once or twice but
Kurt just said, My life. Shut up.

He went through photos of graduation, his heart seizing up at the ones of him and Rachel
clinging to each other, crying. They had probably known their dreams of going to New York
werent going to become reality by that point. Sebastian didnt have much to say about any of
the photos but Kurt knew Rachel would have more than enough to talk about when they met.

What are you doing? Sebastian asked when Kurt clicked back to his tagged photo page and
65

started scrolling forward through the years.

Looking for pictures of us, Kurt said. He missed the way Sebastian straightened in his chair
in anticipation. Theres no point of going through pictures you have no clue about
when youre the one who is supposed to be talking me through them.

Well in that case -

Hey! Kurt said when Sebastian took the laptop from him. What the hell?

Sh, Sebastian hushed him, his eyes intent on the screen. He moved his stool closer to Kurts
and their arms brushed when he set the laptop between them. Here we are, he said,
nodding towards the page he had opened. Kurt Hummel and Sebastian Smythe over the
years.

Bless this stupid website Kurt thought when he saw something that looked like an updated
version of Facebooks friendship page. There was a photograph of him and Sebastian at the
top of the page with the caption Marriedwritten just beneath it. Sebastian clicked through to
photos of them and scrolled back to open up the very first one.

It was a group shot; Kurt had his arms around another boy and there were three more people
between him and Sebastian. You know, he said. You never did tell me much about how we
became friends.

Okay, so. Sebastian licked his lips, excitement practically radiating off him as he angled his
body towards Kurt. You know we met at a coffee shop right?

You might have mentioned it.

Well. That was the beginning.

Are you talking about the Lima Bean or -

Roasters.

Roasters?

Sebastian nodded, turning back to the laptop and furiously flicking through photographs.
Weve got to have a picture of it - he kept going through photographs but didnt stop
talking. Anyway you were working an internship at Vogue -

Really?

You hated it, Sebastian said with a shrug. It would stress you out so much by the end of
the day that when we ran into each other, youd take every ounce of your frustration out on
me. It was fun.

Kurt rolled his eyes. Yes, Im sure.

You know it was, Sebastian said with a confident grin. Deny it all you want, but youve
always found our banter sexy.

I have not. Kurt said firmly.
66


Sebastians grin was impossibly wide by this point. Cute, he said. But youre forgetting that
were past the point of secrets now. You told me.

Kurt blushed, scowling. It wasnt fair that Sebastian knew him this well while all Kurt had of
him in his memory was a cocky boy in a Dalton blazer intent on destroying the first
relationship Kurt had ever had with a boy.

Getting back to this, he said, pushing Sebastians hand away from the keyboard and taking
control of navigation.
They went through picture after picture, stopping at ones that piqued Kurts interest more
than others. He didnt pay much attention to the shots of them kissing or posing for the
camera with their arms around each other. The pictures that captured his attention more
were candid shots, things like him and Sebastian bent over a piece of paper, both of their
brows creased or photos where the two of them were just in the background, completely
unaware that a camera was on them, hugging, just talking...

Most of the time, Sebastian had the answers to his questions; Where were we? Who is that?
Were we dating by then? Is that my boyfriend? What was he like? Did you like him?

Sometimes, even Sebastian didnt know what they had been talking about in a frozen moment
in time or why they had been laughing so hard. I dont know. Because someone said
something funny? That, or we were stoned.

Stoned was something Kurt seemed to be a lot in the pictures. The parties were endless and a
lot of the earlier photographs of them were taken in dark rooms with hoards of people around
them and drinks in their hands. Kurt had a hard time believing he would enjoy being
intoxicated as much as he appeared to considering his history with alcohol. He voiced this
thought to Sebastian who just laughed.

Oh god, I forgot about how uptight you were before, he said. No. You loosened up a lot
more in the later years. I think your break up with Blaine kind of - he stopped when he saw
how Kurt had stiffened and backpedalled. You became more open to different ways of having
fun, he said.

Kurt chewed his bottom lip, eyes fixed on a picture of him half sprawled in Sebastians lap,
laughing so hard he was doubled over. He had seen Blaine in some of the pictures and hed
wanted to ask Sebastian about the relationship between him and Blaine if things had been
awkward, if Blaine had been angry at first that Kurt was friends with Sebastian, if their past
had been a barrier or if theyd moved on easily.

Kurt?

Hm.

You can ask about Blaine if you want, you know.

Why do you have to know me so well?

No, Kurt said, lifting his eyes to look at Sebastian. Not right now.

Sebastian gave him a small smile. The mood had shifted around them; the playfulness
67

seemed to have dissolved into something more serious. Even the pictures that were coming
up now had a different feeling to them.

What year is this - Sebastian said, leaning closer to look at the date beneath the
photograph. Yeah. We were getting serious by that point.

Kurt could tell.

There was something about the way they were looking at each other, the way they
were touching in these pictures that was more...intimate than before.

It felt like he was intruding on something private and considering how some of the shots were
of them sleeping wrapped around each other, it was private.

Are all of our friends creeps? he asked, his voice slightly irritated. He was surprised of how
protective he felt of picture Kurt and picture Sebastian, how he felt the need to keep their
relationship away from prying eyes.
Yes. Sebastian replied with a laugh. Everyone had a field day whenever they caught us
acting like well like a couple. I got taunted endlessly because you know the whole
relationships arent for me thing kind of fell apart after I went and fell in love with you.

Kurt pressed his lips together, fighting the urge to shift away from Sebastian all of a sudden.
Hed been fine until now, but these pictures made him want to turn away from the screen, to
change the topic and go back to their bickering. The questions were still buzzing in his head
though so he asked, Why did we ever give them a chance to photograph us sleeping?

Well, these particular pictures are from our long weekend in Florida, Sebastian said, nodding
towards the current pictures Kurt was going through on the screen. We were at Kate and
Johns wedding.

Kate and John? Kurt said with a frown.

Kates my cousin, Sebastian explained as Kurt continued to move through more pictures. It
was when I first introduced you as The Boyfriend to my family. Well, technically, my parents
knew but this was like an official, non-official announcement. It was utter madness because
Kate is exactly the kind of person that comes to mind when you think of crazy bride she
was jumping down our throats to get stuff done and after a day of creating playlists and
running around making sure orders were placed and invitations were sent out, we didnt give
a fuck about falling asleep in front of people.

Is this from their wedding too? Kurt asked, staring at a shot of them dancing with their
foreheads pressed together. Yeah, Sebastian said with a nod. I think Kate was the one who
took that one.

Kurt stared at the photo for a long time, pushing himself to try and remember
something, anything.

It was like looking at baby pictures. You can see how happy you are, you can see the
adoration in the eyes of the people looking at you and you know that you must have been
loved, must have felt safe and cherished but you cant remember any of it. No matter how
hard you try, your memory draws a blank and all that happens is you try and come up with
your own dialogue for the people talking to you, think of what you might have been thinking
68

in that moment and try to fill in the blanks yourself.

Do you do you want to see our wedding pictures? Sebastian asked in a quiet voice.

Kurt didnt realize he had tears in his eyes until his voice came out sounding croaky. No, he
said, closing the laptop and standing up. I cant. Its too much.

Sebastians face fell, he looked crushed but he swallowed and stood up too. Thats okay, he
said softly. No pressure.

Kurt suddenly wished his dad had still been around purely so he wouldnt have to be alone
with Sebastian right now. The way Sebastian was staring at him made his face grow hot and
he closed his eyes. My head hurts, he said.

You wanna lie down? Sebastian asked.

No.

I could get you some painkillers?

No.

Well - Sebastian struggled with what to do and Kurt wished he could help him out, give him
an answer but he didnt know what he wanted either. We could watch a movie, he said
finally. Unless its going to make your headache worse. Then we can just, I dont know?
Listen to music. But a movie would be more fun. We have Wicked but wait, you dont like it.
You always said that no one could beat the original cast. Theres Really?, you love that movie.
It just came out a year and a half ago and -

Sebastian, Kurt said, cutting off his rambling. Sebastian looked relieved at the prospect of
having to shut up. Kurt managed a small smile, Lets just order lunch for now.

69

Part 16
Kurt ended up going through their iTunes library while they waited for the food to arrive,
barely getting to the chorus of one song before he switched to the next.

Do you want me to show you your favorites? Sebastian asked him as he made his way
through entire albums in the course of a minute.

No, I want to find them for myself.

Once in a while, when he would pause to listen to a song in its entirety, hed catch Sebastian
grinning at him and know that he must have stumbled across an old favorite. By the time
they finished lunch, Kurt had made his way through more than three hundred songs. The
overwhelming feeling he had got from looking at pictures of him and Sebastian all morning
had faded away, replaced by a renewed curiosity.

He didnt hesitate for a second before saying, I want to know more.

Sebastian, who had been fiddling with his phone on the couch, looked up as Kurt sat down
next to him. More about? he asked.

Us.

Sebastian grinned. He might have been annoying most of the time, but Kurt found his
enthusiasm at any opportunity to talk about them kind of adorable.

As adorable as Sebastian Smythe could get, that was.

What about us?

Our first date. Kurt decided after a moment of thought.

Okay, Sebastian said with a nod. Um. It was about two weeks after you and Sean your
boyfriend at the time broke up. I asked you out and you - Sebastian cut himself off with a
laugh. You thought I was joking at first. We used to flirt a lot with each other and you were
used to me making passes at you so you didnt take me seriously.

Kurt thought of Sebastian and how hed flirt with Blaine every time they ran in to each other
at the Lima Bean. He tried to imagine Sebastian doing that to him, tried to
imagine himself flirting back but he couldnt.

It took a while to convince you of how fucking serious I was, Sebastian continued. But you
agreed eventually.

I agreed to date you that easily?

You agreed to go on a date with me, Sebastian corrected. Neither of us was looking for a
relationship at the time. Youd been going on dates on and off with a couple of guys and
mostly, I think we were just looking for an excuse to fuck. Not that we needed one, but you
know. Formalities.

The tips of Kurts ears had gone red at Sebastians bluntness but in a way, it was comforting
that he didnt sugar coat things for Kurt. It was better for him this way, to know everything as
70

it had been.

Whered we go? he asked, trying to keep his voice steady.

We went ice skating in Central Park. Sebastian said with a grin.

Kurt raised an eyebrow. Really? No clubs?

Instead of replying, Sebastian stood up and held out a hand to him. Kurt frowned at it before
looking up at him questioningly. Sebastian smiled. Think youre up for a re-enactment of our
first date?
__

It took them a while to get ready because they were both still in their pyjamas and Kurt
refused to leave until he had showered and shaved. They didnt take Sebastians car since
neither of them wanted to risk getting caught in end of day traffic and Kurt said he would
much rather walk anyway.

Central Park was crowded with people as it always was when they got there. Sebastian kept
glancing at Kurt out of the corner of his eye. He looked glad to be out of the apartment and
was taking his surroundings in with newfound excitement. Sebastian was suddenly reminded
about how this Kurt didnt have the memories of late afternoons spent lazing around on park
benches or under trees with their heads in each others laps and their fingers twined. All this
Kurt remembered of Central Park was from his brief visit during his Nationals trip in junior
year of high school.

Wait, he said suddenly, stopping in his tracks. Lets not go to the rink.

I thought we were going to re enact our first date, Kurt said with a frown.

We were. Sebastian said. But the rink wont be frozen right now and really, whats the
point? Theres no guarantee itll do anything to awaken your memories of that night.
So what are we doing then? Kurt asked, slipping his hands into his pockets. I dont want to
go home yet.

Sebastian took a moment to relish in the way Kurt had said home instead of something
detached like the apartment. Kurt was waiting for an answer though and Sebastian gave him
a tentative smile before he said, Kurt. Do you want to go on a date with me? Right here,
right now?

Kurt blinked, looking taken aback. I - Sebastian waited, his heart thumping in anticipation
as he watched Kurt process the question. Eventually he swallowed and nodded, the tiny
movement of his head sending immeasurable relief through Sebastians body. Okay. I
guess.

Fun fact, Sebastian said with a grin. That was exactly what your answer was the first time.

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Part 17
Sebastian, what are you doing?

Laying my head down in your lap. What does it look like, genius?

Kurt sighs and sets aside his sketchpad and pencil in favor of threading his fingers through
Sebastians hair. He leans back against the tree theyre sitting in front of and brushes a stray
leaf off his knee. I was drawing, he says with a disapproving frown even though his voice
has no accusation in it.

Sebastian knows he doesnt mind the distraction one bit no matter how much he might
pretend to. This is, after all, supposed to be a date even if both of them have work weighing
down on them. They deserve a break.

Yeah, well now youre not. he says with a grin.

Kurt gives in to a soft smile, his hand moving down to cradle Sebastians face, stroking lightly
along his jaw. Hello, neglected boyfriend of mine.

One of these days, you are going to stop making me want to barf at your cheesy rom-com
dialog.

Kurt scowls but doesnt pull his hand away from Sebastians face. His eyes take on a more
playful glint though, the kind he gets when hes rising to a challenge. Barf, huh? he says, his
thumb tracing around Sebastians mouth before pressing against the pout of his lower lip.
Does this make you want to barf? he presses down harder with his thumb until Sebastians
mouth falls open just enough for Kurt to bend down and slip his tongue into it, bypassing the
soft peck that usually precedes this kind of kiss.

Sebastian moans low in his throat and reaches up to cup the back of Kurts head, kissing him
back hungrily. Hes thankful that the massiveness of the tree provides them some level of
privacy not that hed care if people saw, but he knows Kurt is more comfortable this way. It
certainly shows in the way he isnt afraid to deepen the kiss, licking along the roof of
Sebastians mouth and stroking their tongues together in a perfect rhythm.

Im still waiting for an answer, he says when he pulls away and straightens up. His cheeks
are flushed and his eyes are darker than before but his smile is still light and happy.

What? Sebastian says, his voice coming out dazed.

Do I still make you want to barf?

Ugh, stop saying that, Sebastian says, his face scrunching up as he drags Kurt down for
another kiss.

Kurt smiles against his lip, placing a chaste kiss to his top lip. Ill take that as a no.
__

They walked around Central Park, Kurt filling the silence between them with stories about his
first time in New York; how he and Rachel had snuck out of their hotel room to go have
breakfast at Tiffanys during their Nationals trip, how Santana had lost her shit after they
hadnt placed all stuff Sebastian knew already but he didnt tell Kurt that. He liked the way
72

Kurt was looser around him now, how he laughed when Sebastian made a joke and how he
wasnt hesitant to ask questions about them and their life.

Sebastian lost track of the conversation when they passed by a tree he was intimately familiar
with.

Kurt frowned when he saw Sebastian was no longer paying attention. Something wrong? he
asked.

Fun fact number two -

Are you going to keep doing that? Kurt cut in. Because its kind of irritating.

Sebastian ignored him. That tree back there? One of our favorite places to hang out.

Kurt looked over his shoulder at the tree theyd passed. Any particular reason? he asked.

If you sit on the other side of it, you cant really be seen by passer bys. The view is beautiful
too, privacy is just an added bonus. Sebastian said. Also - this is the place you first took my
hand on our date.

That was a downright lie. Sebastian didnt even remember how they had ended up holding
hands, just that he had found their fingers interlaced without knowing who had made the first
move. It had felt easy, natural, right. He glanced down at where Kurts hand was peeking out
from the sleeve of his jacket and decided to take a chance. Kurt inhaled a little sharply when
he felt Sebastians fingers curl around his before Sebastian slotted their palms together.
You know, you were the first person to ever hold my hand who I didnt laugh at and push
away. Sebastian said, nodding at the skeptical look on Kurts face. Seriously. It was always
too much of a romantic gesture for me to feel comfortable with. Especially on first dates.

And what, I was different?

Youve always been different.

Kurt looked down at their joint hands and ran his thumb over the back of Sebastians
knuckles once, as if searching for something in the touch. Whatever it was, he didnt find it
because the next second he was pulling his hand free, his face expressionless.

Sebastian felt as if someone had stabbed him in the heart.

Im sorry, Kurt said, not looking at Sebastian. Its just that this is still new for me and
kind of weird.

No, its okay. I know. Im sorry too. Sebastian said, shoving his hand into his jacket pocket
instead of letting it hang lamely at his side. Do you want to see Roasters?

Kurt frowned, Roasters?

The coffee shop where we met? Sebastian prompted. I told you about it this morning.

Recognition dawned on Kurts face and he nodded, smiling. Coffee sounds awesome.
_
73


Tracy, the cute barista who always seemed to be at the shop no matter what time they went,
smiled when she saw the two of them walk in. Boys, she said with a wide grin. I havent
seen you around here in ages.

Hey, babe. Sebastian said, returning her grin. Been busy. He ordered them both mochas,
shaking his head when Kurt tried to make his a non fat. Dont, he said. Trust me on this.
Besides, after a week of being comatose, you can splurge on the calories.

Kurt rolled his eyes and shoved him lightly with his elbow but agreed. Sebastian even got
them a huge slice of cheesecake for good measure even though Kurt pointed out that they
had to go to dinner with Burt afterwards.

The table in the corner which Kurt had dubbed their table years ago, was free and Sebastian
nodded Kurt over to it, grinning when Kurt looked around the place appreciatively.

Its nice, he commented.

I know.

I can see why I came here.

They drank their coffees in relative silence for a moment, Kurt speaking up once to say that it
was some of the best coffee hed ever had. Sebastian raised an eyebrow and smirked as if to
say, told you so. Kurts face suddenly changed then, a crease forming between his brows and
he looked around the cafe twice, sweeping over the tiny space with his eyes as if looking for
someone, something.

Everything okay? Sebastian asked.

Kurt blinked, looking as if hed just been woken up from a dream. Yeah. Um. I just had this
weird sort of - he shook his head. I dont know. Felt like de ja vu.

Sebastian leaned forward in his seat, his heart beating faster. You remembered something?
he asked with barely contained excitement. His mind started racing at the possibilities. Had
Kurt had a flashback to the two of them sitting with their legs pressed together under the
table while Sebastian read through a case study and Kurt sketched out designs he had in
mind? Did he remember the days they had sat here in the late afternoons planning their
wedding, jotting down ideas and fighting over details that wouldnt matter when the day of
the ceremony actually arrived?

Kurt? Sebastian prompted, reaching out to lay a hand over Kurts. He didnt pull away,
Sebastian wasnt even sure hed noticed. Please, please remember me.

It feels like theres so much to remember about this place, Kurt said quietly. And Im trying
but - he looked at Sebastian and shook his head. Nothing.

Sebastian felt his heart sink for the second time that night but he forced a smile. Like I said,
no pressure. Searching for a distraction, he pushed his plate of half eaten cheesecake to
Kurt. Sure you dont want to try some? Sebastian asked.
To his surprise, Kurt reached for the fork Sebastian had been using and cut a small piece.
Sebastian watched him take the bite, watched the adorable way he chewed and swallowed his
74

food and felt the disappointment from seconds ago fade away at the smile that spread across
Kurts face.

It didnt matter if Kurt didnt remember the countless days and nights theyd spent here.
What mattered was that he was here, sitting across from Sebastian and that he hadnt pulled
his hand free from where it was lying beneath Sebastians palm on the table.

This is some pretty good cheesecake, he said.

Sebastian smiled. You love cheesecake, he said for no reason in particular. Youve always
loved cheesecake.

Kurt looked at him with a funny expression as he took another bite. Um, okay?

I tried to bake one for you. Didnt go so well.

What happened? Kurt asked, taking another bite.

Everything went wrong.

You cant bake?

I can. Sebastian said defensively. I was just nervous.

Why?

Sebastian looked into Kurts eyes for a second, feeling his heart clench at the memory. It
was the night I proposed to you. Kurt stopped chewing and just stared at Sebastian. I
wanted to cook the whole meal myself, Sebastian continued. It was supposed to be this
huge three course romantic dinner, but like I said - I was nervous and kept messing things
up. Kurt looked torn between discomfort and laughter. Sebastian drew his hand away from
Kurts and shook his head. Anyway. Thats a story for another time.

They finished their coffees and Kurt called Burt from Sebastians phone to ask where he
wanted to meet up. They decided on a hole in the wall Italian place not far from their
apartment but they still had half an hour before they were due there so when they stepped
out onto the pavement, Sebastian turned to Kurt and asked, You still up for one last stop?
Its just a ten minute walk from here to your first apartment in the city. You can say no if
youre tired. Well grab a cab straight to the restaurant but I figured you might want to check
it out.

I do, Kurt said, sounding genuinely excited.

Sebastian smiled, Alright then.

They started walking in the opposite direction from theyd come. Sebastian was about to tell
Kurt about the two roommates hed had at that time when they came to a crossing where the
pavement became uneven and he said, Ah, watch out.

Somewhere in the distance, a driver dropped scalding hot coffee over his knee and his elbow
came down on the car horn followed by the screech of tires as he hit the brake in a furious
attempt to dodge a cab.

75

Glass shattered. A woman screamed.

Next to Sebastian Kurt ducked just like he had when hed had attempted to throw the slushie
in his face years ago. Difference was, there was no Blaine to jump in front to save him from
the impact this time.

76

Part 18
Kurt?

Kurt lowered his arm and straightened up but his face was still panicked. What just
happened? Sebastian asked, taking Kurt by the elbow and angling his body so they were
facing each other. Kurt wouldnt meet his gaze; he kept looking up and down the deserted
road with a slightly lost expression. Kurt? Sebastian said again, louder this time.

Didnt you hear that? Kurt asked, looking frustrated when Sebastian didnt react
immediately. Just now. After the accident, a woman screamed-

Sebastian was honestly lost. No one screamed Kurt, he said, brow frowning in worry.
There was no accident.

Kurt looked distraught but then he shook his head as if to get rid of a fly and said, I guess I
must have imagined it.

Are you okay? Sebastian asked gently.

Yeah, Kurt nodded. Im fine.

Do you think this might have been a flashback?

There was a pause where Kurt looked unsure but a moment later, he shook his head again.
No.

You said something about an accident -

It was just a bunch of sounds. Probably my ears ringing or something.

Normal people dont usually hear women screaming when their ears ring, Kurt.

Im fine, Kurt said more firmly. If it was a flashback, I wouldve known.

How?

I dont know. Kurt said with a huff, I just would.

If they were just sounds whyd you duck then? Sebastian pressed.

Kurt pulled his elbow free from Sebastians grip only to take his hand. The gesture surprised
Sebastian so much he forgot the next part of his argument. Just let it go, okay? Kurt said
with a sigh. Wordlessly, Sebastian nodded, focused on the feeling of Kurts fingers slipping
through the gaps in his. Satisfied at his agreement to drop the subject, Kurt smiled and said,
I believe you were going to show me my old apartment.

Y-yeah. Sebastian said, trying not to let his voice quiver with excitement like his whole body
was.

He took my hand. Hes holding my hand. Were holding hands.

__
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They were still holding hands when they climbed into the back of the cab. Sebastian was
disappointed when Kurt finally pulled his fingers free and slid over to rest his head against the
window on the other side as Sebastian gives the cabbie the address to their restaurant.

So what did you think? Sebastian asked when hed settled back against the seat.

It was exactly the kind of apartment I imagined myself living in when I first moved to New
York, Kurt said. But I dont anything will ever compare to the one were living in now.

Sebastian felt giddy.

Were living in now. Not I'm living in now.

You know I really love how youve embraced that place as your home. Sebastian said,
grinning at Kurt.

I told you, Im kind of in love with it. Kurt said, giving him a small smile in return.

Yeah but still, Sebastian said.

He thought of reaching out and taking Kurts hand again because he already missed the
feeling of their fingers locked together but he decided not to. Instead, he forced himself to
look out of the window and let his mind wander.

They rode in silence for a while until the cabbie took a sharp turn and suddenly, Kurt's hand
darted out to grab Sebastians. For a second, Sebastians heart lifted at the thought of Kurt
trying to hold hands again but then he caught sight of Kurts expression.

Before he could do anything, Kurt was saying, Stop the cab. Stop!
What? the cabbie called, looking at Kurt through the rear view mirror as if he was crazy.

Just stop the damn cab! Kurt sounded furious, desperate.

Thankfully, they hadnt hit any traffic yet so the cabbie was able to pull over easily. Kurt was
out of the car within seconds and Sebastian blindly threw a few crumpled bills on the front
seat before clambering after him.

Kurt what - he stopped when he saw how Kurt was breathing; long, deep gulps of air like
hed just resurfaced from a long time underwater.

It happened again. He was shaking. The woman screaming, the accident I was there, I
saw it all happen and - fuck, he turned away from Sebastian and put a hand to his forehead,
collecting the sweat that had started to gather there.

Sebastian stepped forward and took Kurts hand to make him stop pacing and pulled him
aside so they werent in the way of pedestrians. Its definitely a flashback Kurt.

Thanks, I figured as much on my own. Kurt snapped but he didnt pull away when Sebastian
wrapped an arm around his waist and held him close. I - I remember the sound of a horn
blaring, he said in a quieter voice. I think it was from the oncoming car it might have been
my cabbie... he closed his eyes as if he was trying to recreate the scene in his head but he
78

opened them a split second later, looking sick. I screamed look out to the driver and then-

Okay, dont talk about it. Sebastian said cutting him off. He wasnt sure what the proper
procedure was for this sort of situation; whether he was supposed to encourage Kurt to
remember everything he could or tell him to block it out. All he knew was that Kurt hadnt
stopped shaking and that his hand was currently curled around Sebastians jacket. The
memory was clearly painful for him and Sebastian wanted to reach inside Kurts head and rip
it out. Just breathe.

Theres something else I remember.

Kurt - Sebastian started in a gentle voice, trying to tell him Kurt, dont do this to
yourself but Kurt cut him off.

Just before the woman screamed, I felt this really strong urge to get to you. Like I had to or
else... he broke off and looked up at him, tears finally gathering in his eyes. Sebastian, he
said in a hoarse whisper. I think the last thing I thought about before the car crashed - was
you.


79

Part 19
Sebastian didnt know how to react to this piece of information. It had been one thing to
answer his phone that morning and have a stranger tell him that his husband had been in an
accident, but to know the last thing Kurt had thought about before the crash, to see the fear
and panic he must have felt in that moment reflected in his eyes right now, it was almost too
much.

He was about to reach out and touch Kurts cheek, pull him into a hug, kiss him -
something when Kurt uncurled his fingers from Sebastians jacket and once again, took his
hand. Can we walk? he asked. I cant breathe here.

Sebastian nodded, not trusting himself to speak at the moment. Kurt was still taking long,
deep breaths next to him, his face paler than usual. After every couple of seconds he would
blink in rapid succession as if trying to push away the images that kept springing to his mind.
Sebastian wished he could say something to comfort him but his own heart felt bruised in his
chest, aching with the knowledge of how Kurt must be replaying the pain of the accident over
and over again in his head.

He kept rubbing his thumb along the patch of skin between Kurts forefinger and thumb in
long, reassuring swipes, trying to say everything that he couldnt express in words through
the touch. Either because he had understood what Sebastian was trying to say or because the
accident was haunting him again, Kurt tightened his grip on Sebastians hand as they weaved
their way through the crowds.

The restaurant they were due to meet Burt at wasnt far from where the cab had pulled up. It
took them less than fifteen minutes to get there but before they walked through the door,
Sebastian tugged Kurts hand and pulled him aside. Whats wrong? Kurt asked, frowning at
him.

Are you okay? Sebastian asked.

Im -

Dont say youre fine.

Im better.

Sebastian let out a deep breath of his own. Sure? and when Kurt nodded reassuringly -
Okay.

Okay? Kurt said with a smile, squeezing his hand one last time before dropping it and
reaching for the door again.

The place was crowded but Burt had managed to score a table and was scanning the menu
with interest when they walked in. Hey! he greeted when he saw them. I was beginning to
wonder if youd stood me up.

Sorry, Kurt said, shrugging of his coat and taking the seat opposite Burt. We got caught up
in something. His voice was steady, expression carefully controlled but Sebastian saw right
through his attempts to act like nothing had happened. He always saw right through Kurt.

Whatve you two been up to? Burt asked as they took their seats.
80


Just getting some fresh air, Kurt said with a shrug. We went to Central Park, had coffee
how was your day?

Sebastian tried hard not to frown at the fact that Kurt had failed to mention the word date or
the flashback but he let it go for the moment and leaned back in his chair as Burt started
talking about his day.

Kurt didnt bring up the flashback all through dinner. Sebastian kept waiting for him to, but
Kurt seemed to purposefully steer the conversation away from himself every time something
came up. He laughed, he joked, he asked questions about Carole, Finn and his wife. His act
was so perfect that if Sebastian hadnt known any better, he would never have guessed that
anything had happened.

By the end of dinner, though, Kurt did seem genuinely more relaxed than before. He tried to
get Burt to come back to the apartment but Burt refused, saying he already had a hotel room
booked

The second his cab disappeared around a corner, Sebastian turned and fixed Kurt with a firm
stare. Is there a particular reason you forgot to mention your flashback to your dad? he
asked.

I didnt tell him because there was no need to. Kurt said, buttoning up his coat as they
started to walk in the direction of their apartment.

No need? Kurt, this is huge.

I didnt want to worry him. He doesnt need the stress.
Kurt -

Look, its not like Ive got my memory back or anything, Kurt said with a frustrated huff.
Theres no point telling him about how I ran out of a cab because I was scared we were
going to crash again. Its stupid and Im already over it, can we please talk about something
else now?

Sebastian continued to stare at Kurt. This isnt something we can just ignore Kurt. Its not
stupid, its serious.

Dad doesnt need -

Im not talking about Burt. Sebastian cut him off. Fine. Dont tell him. But you have to see
Doctor Hendricks again. And, he pressed when Kurt opened his mouth to say something. - I
dont care what lies you tell Burt, but you have to be honest with me.

I am being honest with you, Kurt said.

I know, Sebastian said. But I also know how you shut people out when youre dealing with
things and I swear, if you try and do that with me Ill - he didnt know how to end that
sentence so he just said, Just please. Dont cut me out, okay?

Kurt pressed his lips together, looking slightly annoyed but he nodded. Fine.

81

Sebastian held out his hand, grinning when Kurt took it without hesitation.

__

Kurt was about to climb into bed when there was a knock on his bedroom door. What is it
Sebastian? he called out.

The door opened and Sebastian leaned against the frame, arms crossed over his chest. His
figure was outlined in the darkness by the light spilling in from the hallway and Kurt took a
moment to appreciate for the first time just how tall he was.

What do you want? he asked, trying to keep his voice neutral.

I realized something. Sebastian said, pushing off from the doorframe and walking over to
where Kurt stood by the bed. We never officially ended our date.

Seriously? Kurt couldnt help a small grin. You wait until were in our night suits to decide
its a good time?

Sebastian shrugged. Why not?

He stepped closer, one hand coming down to rest lightly on Kurts waist and Kurt tensed, his
smile faltering. He knew if he wanted, he could pull away. All he would have to do is tell
Sebastian to stop and he would. But he didnt say anything.

Instead, he held Sebastians gaze and stayed right where he was. His stomach clenched just
the slightest bit - not in the sickening way it had during the flashback - but in the way it used
to whenever Blaine had kissed him. A warm, pleasant fluttering that made him want to shiver.
His eyes closed mostly on instinct when Sebastian leaned in, his heart stuttering in
anticipation

Look out!

Kurt jerked away, Sebastians grip around his waist the only thing that kept him from
stumbling backwards.

He could hear Sebastian calling his name somewhere in the distance but his ears were once
again filled with the sound of the womans shrill scream, loud and piercing. There was nothing
he could do except close his eyes against the sudden flash of images. They didnt make sense,
they werent even in sequence. All they did was fill him with a slow, painful dread and the
familiar burning need to get to Sebastian.

There was something different this time though. A clawing feeling of guilt beneath everything
else, a kind of regret.

What is your problem Kurt?! Seriously, just TELL me already -

WE NEED SOME HELP HERE! SOMEBODY CALL AN AMUBLANCE!

- Oh great. Lets turn this on me. Because obviously Im the one whos creating problems
right?

Sir, are you okay? Can you hear me?
82


- What the fuck do you want from me, Kurt?

- Sometimes you make me regret marrying you!

A door slams.

Glass shatters.

Kurt, wait!

A woman screams.

Sebastian -

Im here. The womans screaming was fading. Sebastians voice clearer, closer now. Im
here, Kurt.

83

Part 20
When he opened his eyes again, his cheek was pressed to Sebastians shoulder.

Everything went quiet, like someone had turned off a switch and blocked out all sound except
for the echo of his own harsh breaths. Feeling returned to his limbs one by one and he
became aware of the fact that he had both his arms around Sebastian; one curved around his
shoulder, the other pressed to his back.

What is happening? he whispered.

Sebastian turned his head, his mouth brushing against the shell of Kurts ear. Did you
flashback to the accident again?

It was more than that this time. Kurt wanted to move away so he could see Sebastians
expression when he said the next few words but the desire to stay pressed close to him was
still running through his blood hot and urgent. It took an immense amount of effort to pull
free of Sebastians arms and look him in the eye. We were fighting.

Sebastians lips parted as if he was about to say something but all that came out was a shaky
breath. I cant believe this, he said, running a hand through his hair. He looked both angry
and sad. Of all the things, all the things you could have remembered about us you
remember us fighting.

Kurt ignored the flare of irritation that sparked in him at the words - it wasnt like he had any
control over what he remembered. With as much patience as he could, he asked What were
we fighting about?

What do you know so far?

Kurt closed his eyes, bright dots of lights forming the image of jagged glass and blurred
doorways behind his eyelids. Something about how I regretted marrying you - he looked at
Sebastian to see how his jaw was clenched tightly. No trace of anger anymore, just plain
sadness. The realization came with a small gasp and Kurt was surprised he hadnt made the
connection until now. Oh my god, he breathed. Was that the last thing I said to you before
the accident?

Sebastian blinked and looked away, turning his face to stare out the windows. Yes, he said
quietly.

No wonder hed felt such a crushing sense of regret during this flashback. Kurt had thought he
was going to die in the accident and that the last thing he wouldve said to Sebastian would
have been how he regretted marrying him.

He imagined getting the call with the news of the accident, imagined how it must have felt to
watch your husband lying motionless in a coma not knowing if he was going to wake up or not
and then, when he finally did, he imagined how it must have felt to deal with the knowledge
that he no longer loved you.

Sebastians Kurt surfaced in a wave of fierce protectiveness and empathy.

Feeling his pain as strongly as it was his own and refusing to let himself be the cause of it.

84

I am so sorry, he found himself saying.

What the hell are you sorry for? Sebastian asked, looking back at him. You dont even
know if it was your fault.

Im not sorry for the fight, Kurt said. Im sorry about everything after it. Sebastian sat
down on the bed and sighed, staring at his hands. Kurt watched his slumped posture for a
moment before asking, Was it my fault?

It was both of ours. Sebastian said. There was a pause, a huff of breath and then, The last
couple of weeks before the accident werent exactly the best for us. I dont mean us us but
like, for you and me. Work was driving both of us crazy for different reasons and we were just
we were on edge practically all the time. But I think we were also the only ones keeping
each other sane. Fighting is kind of our favorite form of stress relief. Well you know, he
turned his head just enough for Kurt to catch the corner of the smile. Except for sex.

Kurt resisted the urge to roll his eyes. So that morning -

You hadnt slept all night, I was being a dick - things got more heated than usual.

But I walked out -

to go to work. Sebastian cut in. Kurt. I dont know how much you remember of that
morning but I promise you, both of us felt equally stupid after you left. I knew you would
come back. I was going to call in sick and spend the whole day thinking of some romantic way
to make it up to you and we were going to be fine. We always are.
Kurt was quiet. On one hand, he wanted to lean over and wrap his arms around Sebastian
again, hold him tightly for all the nights he hadnt been able to. On the other hand, he
suddenly wanted to be alone again and collect his thoughts about how he had felt about
Sebastian before the accident and how he felt right now after tonight.

Todays kind of been a long day, he said, hoping it would be enough of a hint for Sebastian.

It was. Sebastian sniffed, rubbed a hand down his face once and nodded. Yeah. I should let
you get to bed.

The truth was that Kurt had been about to settle back with his laptop and browse through
pictures again without Sebastian watching his every reaction but he played along and said,
Thanks.

Sebastian made a move to stand up but surprised Kurt by darting in to kiss him on the cheek.
Kurt was too taken aback to do anything but stare at him when he pulled back and grinned.
"And so ends our date."

85

Part 21
Sebastian was woken up by the buzzing of their intercom. Three weeks ago, he would have
rolled over, thrown a leg over Kurts hip and gone right back to sleep but the fear that had
been instilled in him since the accident made him stand up. That wasnt to say he was any
less grumpy about the prospect of having to leave the comfort of his bed. He stumbled
towards the intercom, swearing the whole way with his eyes still half closed and when he
finally pressed the button, all he said was, Who the fuck are you and what do you want?

Is that how you greet your guests?

Rachel, Sebastian said through clenched teeth, trying to keep his voice calm. It is seven in
the morning on a Sunday.

Ive got bagels, coffee and blueberry muffins.

Sebastian sighed, dropping his forehead to the wall. She knew he had him at that. Come on
up.

Of all of Kurts old friends, getting on Rachels good side had been the hardest. When he and
Kurt had first started hanging out, she had been hell bent on the notion that Sebastian was
trying to corrupt Kurt and was secretly gathering blackmail material on him that would
inevitably destroy his career and his life. He guessed the trust issues were a given considering
how hed photoshopped naked pictures of her fianc back in high school but like hed
apologized. Rachel and Finn werent even together anymore. There was a point where you
had to let go of the past and move on.

Kurt, who listened to her rambling from one ear, pushed it all out through the other with a roll
of his eyes, very helpfully pointed out how Sebastian was still just as big of a jerk to her as he
had been in high school so there was no reason for her to let go of anything. And, okay
maybe Sebastian did make fun of her career a lot. At that point, it hadnt taken off and the
topic itself was too sensitive for anyone to touch, let alone Sebastian but he got a kick out of
annoying her even more than Kurt. Unlike him, all Rachel had done was fume and splutter
and get irritated to the point of exploding.

It was only after he and Kurt had started officially dating that shed made an effort to put
aside her prejudice.

Look Sebastian, Kurt means a lot to me okay? Hes been there for me through all of my past
affairs -

Failed affairs you mean.

- and if hes chosen to let you love him -

Hang in there Streisand, theres no love involved -

then its my duty as his friend to try and be supportive of his relationship even if I know
its going to meet an inevitable, heartbroken end. Rest assured, when it does, Im going to be
sitting next to him with a bucket of ice cream and a shoulder to cry on. But until then, I have
made a decision to give you a chance.

Somewhere along the way, they had eventually ended up becoming friends just like
86

Sebastian had ended up falling in love with Kurt.

Rachel gave him a tentative smile when he opened the door. She looked too fresh and chirpy
for someone at this time of day on a Sunday. Sebastian narrowed his eyes at her, reaching
for the box of muffins in her hands. Youre not forgiven yet.

Good morning to you too, Sebastian, she said, stepping in to the apartment. Wheres
Kurt?

Sleeping, he said, flipping the top of the box and inhaling the scent of freshly baked muffins.

Im going to go wake him up. Rachel said, striding towards the bedroom.

Oh no youre not. Sebastian said, grabbing her arm and steering her instead towards the
kitchen stools. He had a long day yesterday. You may have destroyed my morning. Youre
not destroying his.

Youve taken the bribe, you can no longer keep nagging me, she said, looking pointedly at
the muffin he was currently devouring. Sebastian rolled his eyes and leaned against the
counter as Rachel picked up a muffin for herself. I feel so bad for not coming by sooner but
you know how things are with rehearsals for next week. But anyway - details. Hows he
feeling? What have you guys been up to?

Hes better than when you last saw him at least. Sebastian said, washing down his muffin
with some coffee.

And how are things between the two of you? she asked in a softer tone.
Good. I mean, hes not wearing his ring or anything but hes accepted that were married.
Hes trying hard, Ill give him that. We even managed to go on a date yesterday and - he
was cut off by an excited squeal. A roll of his eyes followed and then, Seriously Rachel. You
are such a girl sometimes.

Shut up, she said, leaning over the counter and poking his shoulder. More about this
date.

We just walked around Central Park and had coffee before meeting Burt for dinner,
Sebastian said as if it wasnt a big deal. As if his heart hadnt been pounding at every smile,
every little touch Kurt had given him the whole night.

So has Kurt remembered anything yet? Rachel asked, sipping her own coffee. I know it
might be too optimistic at this point but I had to ask.

We went through pictures on his Facebook yesterday, Sebastian said, mentally debating on
whether or not to tell her about the flashback. He decided not to. Were working on it.

Rachel gave him a small smile. Youll get there, she picked at her muffin, looking thoughtful.
Oh by the way, I spoke to Blaine - Sebastian stiffened at the mention of his name but
Rachel didnt notice. - he said you two havent been in touch.

Did he tell you why? Sebastian asked, taking another sip of coffee and savoring the sweet-
bitter taste on his tongue for a moment before swallowing.

87

Apparently he said, and I quote I fucked up. She fixed him with a look that demanded
explanation. He sounded pretty upset but he wouldnt tell me anything.

The sound of a door opening interrupted Sebastians reply and Rachel, forgetting all about
Blaine, was out of her chair before Kurt had even walked out of the hall. She threw herself at
Kurt hard enough to make him stumble backwards but his face still lit up with a laugh.

Except Sebastian frowned. Kurts eyes were bloodshot and exhausted and he knew it
couldnt just be from a lack of sleep.

Did Rachel wake you? he asked as the two of them made their way back to the kitchen
counter.

Rachel glared at him but Kurt shook his head and said, I was up already.

Sleep well? Sebastians voice was just sharp enough to let Kurt know he wouldnt believe
him if he tried to lie.

Not really.

Kurt, if youre tired, you can go back to sleep. Rachel said, laying a hand over his. The only
reason Im here so early -

Oh, so you have a reason too? I just thought you made a habit of showing up at peoples
doors at the crack of dawn to ruin the rest of their day.

Rachel paused to glare at Sebastian some more. Bribe, she reminded him before turning
back to Kurt. Today is the only day I dont have rehearsals and Ive made sure to clear my
schedule so I could spend it with you. Its really hard to get free time lately and I have been
the worst friend ever. I really should have been here sooner but -

Rachel, Kurt cut her off, closing his eyes and pressed his fingers to his temple. Its fine.
Just talk a little softer please?

Are you okay? Sebastian asked, staring at Kurt with no little amount of concern.

Yeah, Kurt said with a nod. Sebastian would have pressed for details but Kurt gave him a
quick look that promised hed tell him whatever was wrong later. If Sebastian had his way, he
would have locked Rachel in the bathroom and not let her out until he was done talking to
Kurt but Kurt seemed genuinely happy to see her, even if his smile made his face look more
tired than happy.

So Sebastian let the two of them talk, focusing on the muffins instead (fuck, they were
delicious). It was only when Rachels phone rang and she excused herself to go into the hall
and answer it that he looked back at Kurt and found him sliding off the stool to walk around
the kitchen counter and get to him.
When are you scheduling the appointment with Doctor Hendricks? he asked in a low voice.

Uh, Sebastian was taken aback by the question and the almost scared look on Kurts face
was making him nervous. I was going to get one for tomorrow since I dont know if shell be
available on a Sunday. But - he added quickly. If you want, I could pull a few strings and
have her see you today.
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No, I guess tomorrows fine. Kurt said shaking his head.

Whats wrong? Sebastian asked, reaching up to touch the tired lines of Kurts face with his
fingers.

Kurt sighed and closed his eyes, just barely turning his face into the touch. They wont stop,
he whispered. The nightmares flashbacks, I cant even tell the difference anymore. They
wont stop. I think I barely slept for two hours last night.

Fuck, Kurt. Why didnt you wake me? Sebastian asked, spreading his hand so he was
cupping Kurts face more firmly.

What would you have done if I had? There was no point.

Let me decide the point next time, okay? Sebastian said, smoothing his thumb along Kurts
cheekbone. God, you look horrible.

Kurt scowled and pulled Sebastians hand away from his face. Thanks. Thats exactly what I
wanted to hear right now.

Sebastian couldnt help but grin just a little as Kurt turned his back to inspect the food Rachel
had brought. Before he could talk himself out of it, he stepped closer and pressed the length
of his body up against Kurts back, not missing the sharp intake of breath and a dull thump
that might have been Kurt dropping the bagel hed picked up. Taking the fact that he hadnt
pushed him away yet as a good sign, Sebastian slipped his arms around Kurts middle.

No matter how horrible you look, he said, brushing his mouth over Kurts temple. You will
always be my Kurt and I will always love you. He dragged his ring finger over Kurts stomach
so he could feel the band dig into his skin like a promise. Old and wrinkly is kind of the end
deal here.

Kurt was very still and for a second, Sebastian worried if he might have taken it too far. Kurt
had started becoming a little easier around him as far as physical comfort was concerned but
this may have been a bit too direct. Just as he was about to pull away and apologize, Kurt laid
his hand over Sebastians, spreading his fingers over the back of his.

Sometimes, he whispered. You -

Sorry about that, Rachel said, walking back out. Kurt immediately slipped out of Sebastians
arm and turned away from him.

Sebastians hand remained hovering in the air for a second before he clenched it into a fist
and brought it back down to his side. He wanted to punch something. Hard. Why couldnt
Rachels stupid call have lasted for a split second longer? Just until Kurt had finished saying
whatever hed been saying.

Rachel sat down again and set her phone on the counter, beaming. That was my boyfriend.

You have a boyfriend? Kurt asked, his voice just an octave higher than before.

Rachels smile turned sad and Sebastian felt his frustration give way to sympathy. He could
see the realization that something was wrong (no, nothing is wrong with Kurt), that
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something had changed with Kurt dawn on her.

Yes, she said quietly. His names Eric. You like him.

Sebastian could tell Kurt was rolling the name on his tongue, trying to see if it sounded
familiar but when nothing came up, he forced a smile and said, We have alot of catching up
to do.

Which is why Im taking you out, Rachel said, wiping away the tear at the corner of her eye
with a knuckle.

Out? Kurt repeated, raising his eyebrows.

Yes. So you better finish eating and go put on something fabulous.
Breakfast took another hour and a half. Not because they were busy eating but because they
were too distracted talking to each other. Well, Kurt and Rachel were too distracted.
Sebastian had just called dibs on the rest of the muffins and went to collapse on the sofa for
some Sunday morning TV.

In a way, it was nice to have Rachel there even if she had messed with his sleep. Her
presence was something normal, unlike Burts had been. It was easy to pretend this was just
another disrupted Sunday with Kurt and Rachel catching up in person on the weeks gossip
while Sebastian grumbled over the lost opportunity of lazy morning sex.

When Kurt finally got up to change his clothes, Rachel walked over the where Sebastian was
sprawled out and pushed his feet off the couch so she could take a seat. Ignoring the glare he
gave her, she angled herself towards him and said, You never told me why you and Blaine
arent on speaking terms.

Sebastian didnt look at her when he replied. Its nothing.

Dont try and -

Rachel, Sebastian cut in. Im aware of how much you like to pry in to other peoples
business but this really doesnt concern you sweetie, so let it go okay?

Rachel pressed her lips together, looking slightly offended but Sebastian didnt feel guilty. As
far as he was concerned, this was something that should remain between Kurt, Blaine and
him. Rachel was a good friend, but Sebastian had never been able to open up to her as easily
as he did with Blaine. Hed never really opened up to anyone other than Blaine and Kurt for
that matter. But Kurt had never required him to let his guard down; hed just broken through
it on his own.

Whatever is going on between the two of you, Rachel said. Fix it. I wasnt joking when I
said he sounded upset.

Although he didnt appreciate being told what to do, especially since Rachel had no clue what
had actually happened, Sebastian just said, Yeah. Whatever, and took comfort in the fact
that it was enough for her to drop the subject and wander into the bedroom after Kurt.

The thing was, he could almost image the sadness and regret in Blaines voice when hed said
those words, the stupid shining honesty in his eyes. Hed seen Blaine make a fair few stupid
90

decisions in the past couple of years, all three of them have had their share of mistakes.
Usually, theyd get together and make fun of whatever the situation until it stopped hurting
and dissolved into another incident to look back upon with laughter.

But as much as Sebastian wanted to forgive Blaine for kissing Kurt, he didnt know how.
Underneath the desire to get his best friend back, there was also the selfish fear that having
Blaine around them again would reignite Kurts feelings. Theyd been doing so well on getting
over their past history. With Blaine there, would Kurt still only turn to him when he was
scared, would he still lean into his touches and seek him out to ask questions or would he find
that comfort in Blaine?

He stayed back at the apartment while Rachel and Kurt left with the intention to call Blaine
and sort things out but the second the door closed behind the two of them, Sebastian
changed his mind.

A few more days of separation wouldnt hurt them.

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Part 22
When Kurt walked through the apartment door sometime after six, it took all of Sebastians
strength not to throw himself at him in a vicious hug. Under normal circumstances, he
wouldnt have thought twice but somehow, he had a feeling Kurt wouldnt appreciate being
jumped on at the moment. He honestly didnt know why a few hours of separation had him
this worked up. Maybe the accident had led to him developing a mild case of separation
anxiety. Hed spent the whole day waiting for Kurt to come back, be nothing but a silent
presence on the couch as he slept or browsed his laptop. At least he would have been in
Sebastians line of sight.

Rachel had texted him at lunch asking if he wanted to meet them at the restaurant they were
headed but Sebastian had declined, thinking Kurt would want to spend the day with his fried
undisturbed, even if it meant another few hours of torture for Sebastian.

Kurts face when he walked through the door didnt show any traces of enjoyment though. In
fact, he looked even more tired than he had that morning. He didnt even acknowledge
Sebastians greeting.

Kurt, whats wrong? Sebastian asked, frowning when Kurt walked past the lounge in long,
brisk steps.

Im going to go lie down, please dont come in. he said, not looking at Sebastian. The
bedroom door shut with a snap behind him and Sebastians nerves sparked to life in a wave of
uncomfortable worry.

He was tempted to just walk into the bedroom and demand to know what was wrong but the
way Kurt had requested him to stay out kept him where he was. Not for long though because
three minutes into the silence that had settled after Kurt went into the bedroom, Sebastian
was out of his seat and striding towards the hall. He could hear faint noises coming from
inside the bedroom, like balls rolling onto the floor.

Kurt, Im coming in. He called out as a warning before opening the door.

He stopped in his tracks at the sight that greeted him. Kurt was shoving everything in sight
on to the floor with unrestrained anger. A swipe of arm hand sent a row of snow globes to the
floor, it was a wonder they didnt shatter. Another swing of his hand and he knocked three
frames askew. Papers were flying, slipping loose from the files theyd been in and floating to
the ground in a slow dance.

Kurt was in the middle of all it, conducting the destruction of the room without making a
single sound.

Kurt! Sebastian walked over to him and grabbed him by the arm, stumbling when Kurt
shoved him away. He was breathing heavily as if hed just run a marathon and from up close,
Sebastian could see the tears streaming down his face. Kurt, he said in a horrified whisper.
What happened?

What else have I missed, huh? Kurt said, looking at him with a mixture of anger and
helplessness. It took Sebastian a moment to realize Kurt was simply voicing the continuation
of what hed been thinking while trashing the room. As if forgetting getting married to the
man I love wasnt enough - Sebastian could do nothing but stare as Kurt turned around and
sent a fresh pile of accessories to the floor. Finns son - Dads bypass surgery Going to
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Paris -

Everything Kurt was saying was more a huff of breath than an actual sentence.

Ive done things I would never have dreamed of and I dont remember any of it. I dont
remember anything except how I got myself into this fucking mess in the first place!

Kurts its not -

That fucking accident - Kurt kicked the floor lamp next to the bookshelf in frustration.
That stupid fucking inattentive driver! Ive lost everything because of him!
No you havent -

Really? Kurt rounded on him, eyes red but blazing with rage. You know what I did after
Rachel left? I told her Id get a cab and come straight home but I couldnt evenlook at one
without flashing back to the accident. His voice was quivering but Sebastian didnt dare
approach him yet. So, I decided to call you, see if you were interested in hanging out -
Sebastian's heart clenched at that. Kurt had thought of calling him, hed voluntarily sought
out an opportunity to spend time with him.

Except, Kurt continued. I realized I didnt have a cell phone. I could have bought a new one
but I didnt have enough cash and apparently, I dont even know the PIN code to use for my
ATM. Kurts voice was dripping with sarcasm by now, tears subsiding in favor of an angry
flush to his cheeks. And forget that, he said with a bitter laugh. Even if I had bought a
phone. I wouldnt know your number. Or Rachels, or Blaines. I was lucky enough to at least
remember where I lived.

Sebastian did step forward then, reaching out to touch Kurts cheek like he had that morning.
Kurt didnt push him away but he was still breathing heavily, no traces of calming down. I
have never - he choked on his words, looking at Sebastian with tear filled eyes. - felt so
helpless in my life. I dont even feel like myself anymore. I feel like Im a broken shell of what
I used to be.

Kurt, Sebastian said firmly, sliding his palms along Kurts cheek to cup his face in both
hands. Stop it. You are not broken. You said so yourself, youre not.

Kurt seemed to have lost any energy to fight back. He simply stood with his eyes on
Sebastians face, watching him in silence as Sebastian stroked his face in a helpless attempt
to comfort.
Ive made an appointment with Doctor Hendricks tomorrow morning at 11. he said, fighting
the urge to cry. Were going to figure this out, I promise. But right now, youre going to go
take a hot bath and then try and get some sleep. And, he added when Kurt still looked
distressed. Youre going to stop thinking. Whatever Rachels told you, whatever you saw in
those pictures or your flashbacks, I dont care block it out. Because none of it matters,
okay? Nothing matters except for you.

For a moment, it seemed like Kurt was going to push him away but what he did surprised
Sebastian even more. His hands came up to rest on Sebastians neck, angling his head down
so their foreheads touched, breaths mingling. Their lips were inches apart and Sebastian was
tempted to close the gap between them and press his lips to Kurts just once, a brief peck
that would be nothing but a simple expression of how much he loved him.

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He was just about to lean in when Kurt said, Sometimes I feel like you're the only person
whos keeping me from losing my mind.

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Part 23
Kurt didnt come out of his bath feeling any less miserable than he had before. He did
however feel slightly calmer which might have been the work of the bath oils Sebastian had
included in the water. He didnt so much as glance down to the hall to his bedroom, knowing
how it would look after the way hed trashed it. There was no way he could sleep in there
tonight, but the other option of sharing a bedroom with Sebastian wasnt one he was quite
ready for yet.

Sebastian had apparently been aware of this fact because when Kurt walked into the lounge,
he found the sofa and coffee table pushed aside, leaving space for a makeshift bed made out
of blankets and pillows. The lights were turned off and the blinds were all let down. Kurt found
the darkness soothing; a dull ache had started up in his head and the lack of sharp lights was
a blessing on his vision. Sebastian had lit a few candles on the kitchen counter. Judging from
the strong scent of jasmine and cranberry mandarin, they hadnt been lit just for the sake of
it.

The smell helps you sleep, a gentle voice said from behind him. Kurt turned around to see
Sebastian holding out a cup of tea for him with a warm smile on his face. Chamomile, he
said, nodding to the cup. You have it before bed on days when youre stressed.

Kurt took the cup from Sebastians hands silently even though he didnt feel like having tea.
Once his hand was free, Sebastian reached out to touch Kurts cheek again, a gesture that
Kurt was gradually getting used to. The brush of fingertips against his skin almost felt familiar
now.

His right temple gave a disgusting throb and almost as if hed felt it, Sebastians hand drifted
to it. Headache?

Kurt nodded. Its building.

He wanted to sit down, or better, move to the blankets Sebastian had set up. Standing felt
like too much effort.

Ill get you some painkillers, hang on. Sebastian moved back to the kitchen and returned a
second later with the pill and a glass of water.

It was still strange how well Sebastian knew him, how he knew exactly what to do and how to
act to make Kurt feel better. He guessed it was something to be expected after seven years of
being together. Still, it didnt make it any less strange.

The bed when Kurt sat down on it, was more comfortable than he had expected considering
all that separated him and the hard floor were a couple of blankets. He shouldnt have been
surprised when Sebastian sat down next to him but Sebastian must have seen the
questioning look on his face anyway because he said, Theres no way Im letting you sleep
alone tonight. And before you think its because you need someone looking after you, its not.
Im doing this for me. Im not going to get a second of sleep unless I have you near me and I
know youre not comfortable enough to share a bed so feel free to roll as far away on this
thing as you want. He gestured between them at the expanse of blankets.

Kurt managed a small smile and sipped his tea in silence. He liked how Sebastian managed to
take care of him without making him feel like he needed someone to take care of him. He
didnt feel sick or broken or lost like he had standing in the middle of New York City that
95

evening. All he felt was loved.

And fuck, if that wasnt the strangest thing of them all.

Sebastian Smythe made him feel loved.

Theres a forecast of some light showers tonight, Sebastian was saying beside him. Which
is perfect because you always said the sound of rain makes you sleepy. Hopefully you wont
even be awake to hear it when it starts but just in case. Helps.

Kurt hummed in response as he sipped his tea. He didnt have the energy to say anything and
Sebastian didnt seem to be waiting for an answer. When he finished the last drags of his
drink, Sebastian took the cup from his hands and went to place it in the kitchen. The
candlelight danced on his face as he made his way back to Kurt. It was darker here than it
had been in the kitchen and his face was enveloped by shadows once again and yet, Kurt
could still make out his smile.

Everything okay? he asked as he sat down.

Yeah, Kurt said with a nod.

You want to lie down?

No.
He could feel the exhaustion of last night and this morning crashing down on him but the calm
that had settled over his mind was giving way to feverish thoughts again. He drew his knees
up to his chest and starting rocking back and forth, unaware of what he was doing. He hated
admitting it to himself, but he was too scared to sleep.

Kurt, Sebastians voice was right next to his ear, close enough that it almost felt like he was
in his head. Just try to sleep. Please?

I cant, Kurt whispered feeling smaller than ever as he curled in on himself.

You wont be able stay awake forever.

I can try.

Sebastian laughed softly at that. No, baby. You really cant. When Kurt didnt say anything,
Sebastian sighed. Will you at least lie down?

Kurt didnt look at Sebastian as he settled on his back. He felt Sebastian shuffle a little before
he was moving in closer, his head propped up on an elbow as he looked down at Kurt.

Now close your eyes, he said, barely above a whisper.

That wasnt something Kurt wanted to do, no matter how heavy his eyelids felt. He knew
what he would see if he did. No amount of clearing his mind of thoughts would erase the
images of the accident. Theyd come rushing back to him just like they had last night and with
it, the womans scream and the raised voices of him and Sebastians fighting.

Sebastian seemed to know what Kurt was thinking he seemed to know that a lot lately
96

and touched his hand to Kurts cheek. Im here, was all he said.

Kurt closed his eyes, breathing through his nose and trying his best to block all thoughts, all
sounds and voices that werent part of the present. The rain had started up outside but it
wasnt as loud as it had been last time. He got a few moments of relatively comfortable
silence until his brain reminded him that Sebastian was probably staring at him right now and
his eyes flew open.

Sebastian wasnt staring at him; hed moved on to his back next to him and his eyes were
fixed on the ceiling. He turned his head when he sensed Kurts gaze and frowned, You
okay?

Yeah, Kurt said, turning his own gaze to the ceiling. The throbbing had returned to his head
and he unconsciously reached up to press his fingers to the ache. Sebastian shifted, drawing
Kurts hand away and replacing it with his own. Kurt wanted to protest but Sebastian spoke
up before he could say anything.

Painkillers not helping?

Apparently not, Kurt said.

Sebastian shifted even closer, his arm curving around Kurts body so his hand could cradle his
head. Not a single other part of them was touching and Kurt was thankful for the care
Sebastian was taking with everything.

He made a small noise of approval deep in his throat when Sebastian pressed his thumb
against Kurts temple. His fingers splayed out over his ear, digging gently into his scalp and
massaging it in slow circles. Kurts eyes fluttered closed again as Sebastian continued to work
his hand around his head, smoothing along the balls of pain in a well practiced motion.

He wondered if this was something Sebastian did whenever Kurt had a bad day or if he was
only doing this because of their current situation. Did he come home from work to the same
care and devotion every day?

Probably not considering how theyd been fighting in the weeks prior to the accident.

But Sebastian had said they kept each other sane. Maybe in between all the fighting, there
had been little gestures that showed they still loved each other, still cared?

Kurt thought of how hed texted Blaine the night at Scandals asking if hed got home okay
even after how things had ended between them in the parking lot. The thing about Blaine
was, there had never been a point where he didnt remember liking him. They had gone from
best friends to boyfriends in the span of a few months and it had felt like the most natural
thing in the world. The love hadnt been something they had needed to develop it had
already been there.
Sebastian though, was a completely different story. If Kurt disregarded everything hed felt in
the past few days about the boy, if he went back and placed himself in his shoes when
he had been eighteen, love would have been the last emotion he thought of when it came to
Sebastian. How had they moved past all that bitterness between them, how had they fallen in
to a love so strong that theyd committed to it forever?

How?
97


Kurt had seen the comments on pictures dating back to 2016 when he and Sebastian had just
started becoming friends. Comments like, Oh god, watching you two fight was the best part of
my night. and Both of you should not be allowed at a party together, too many insults flying
around to keep things peaceful.. It was a sharp contrast to the comments on photographs a
couple of years down the road with the two of them sitting with their arms around each
other; Fucking cuteness. Cannot handle it. . Just get married already.

Hed missed the years of slowly falling in love, of realizing that no matter what, they were it
for each other.

Were they?

We were going to be fine Sebastians voice echoed in his head. We always are.

I hope so a small part of Kurt said. I want us to be

He didnt know if it was the idea of a husband who loved him that appealed to him or the
thought that it was Sebastian. Sebastian who he had hated and who had somehow grown to
love him more than anything else in the world.

Kurt fell asleep somewhere in between his thoughts, floating through a dreamless sleep but
after what felt like a few scarce minutes, the calm and comfort gave way to panic.

He could feel the familiar clenching in his stomach, hear the rising volume of screams his,
Sebastians, the womans, he didnt know. He knew what was coming and he was desperate
to get away from it before he saw it all happen again. His legs felt like jelly or stone. Either
way, he was rooted to the spot, swinging his head wildly from side to side looking for an
escape.

He saw Sebastian across the street and called out to him but Sebastian didnt see him. Kurt
tried to move again but the scene shifted and he was standing over a car wreck, blood and
broken glass everywhere. This couldnt be his accident, a sane part of his brain supplied. How
would he know what the wreck looked liked from this perspective? And that couldnt be his
blood, there was too much of it enough to kill a man.

He felt sick, invisible in the crowd of people gathered around him. But no matter how much he
wanted to run away from the scene, something kept pulling him closer. He didnt have to
push people aside, he floated right through them as if they were nothing but wisps of air.
When he got to the front, he found the source of blood and his stomach lurched, heart
speeding up to a pace fast enough that it felt as if it would beat right out of his chest.

No, the blood wasnt his. It was Sebastians.

Kurt gasped, eyes flying open. He couldnt move, couldnt do anything except blink and pant
harshly as his heart rate slowed down. His face was turned towards the windows but he
couldnt make out anything except the darkness. When he finally regained some feeling in his
limbs, he turned on his side, eyes seeking out Sebastians form. He was asleep an arms
length away from Kurt, leg thrown out so his toes were brushing Kurts calf. Kurt slid closer to
him, his hand shaking when he reached out to touch his arm.

Sebastian jerked even though the touch had been light. Kurt?

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Kurt didnt reply, just slid closer, willing the pounding in his heart to slow down. Sebastian
seemed to think hed had another flashback because, as always, he said Im here.

His words meant so much more now. Kurt pressed his face into his shoulder, curling an arm
around Sebastians middle to hold him close. The warm, solid weight of him was enough to
normalize the erratic patterns of his beating heart. Sebastian held him quietly and after a few
minutes, Kurt thought that hed gone back to sleep. He tilted his head, brushing his lips along
the sleep warm skin of Sebastians jaw.

It wasnt a kiss. It was a reassurance.
Sebastians arm tightened around him and Kurts heart skid to a sudden stop Sebastian was
still awake. He didnt say anything though, not even when Kurt slipped out of his arms and
turned on his other side again.

Closing his eyes gave way to the same bloodied image of Sebastians body but Kurt forced
himself to block it out. When he was young, he used to build up extended fantasies in his
head to push out the lingering fear of whatever nightmare hed woken up from. He tried to do
that now but nothing stuck, the same images kept popping up

The blankets shifted and Sebastians chest brushed against his back, an arm encircling Kurts
waist.

Sometimes, when building fantasies hadnt work, Kurt had go into his parents room and
curled up into a little ball between them. His mother used to reach out and pull him against
her chest in her sleep and Kurt fell asleep feeling safe and loved in her arms.

His body seemed to associate Sebastians arms with the same safety and love because Kurt
found himself being lulled into sleep again and this time, the only thing he saw when he
closed his eyes was a picture Sebastian had posted on his Facebook with the caption
Somehow, you managed to show me love isnt completely worthless after all. I love you, Kurt.

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Part 24
You sure you dont want me to come with you? Sebastian asked when they pulled up in
front of the hospital.

Kurt unbuckled his seatbelt and shook his head. I want to talk to her on my own, if thats
okay.

Of course it is. Just tell me everything important, okay?

I will, Kurt said with a small smile.

Sebastian seemed to visibly relax at the assurance. I have to drop by the office and pick up
some paperwork, he said. Ill be back in an hour. Call me if youre free before that.

I still dont have a phone, Kurt pointed out.

Well fix that by tonight, Sebastian said with a grin. Until then, use the hospitals. You have
my card? When Kurt nodded, Sebastian leaned over the gearshift and kissed his cheek, lips
lingering long enough for Kurts eyes to flutter closed before he pulled away. Ill see you in
an hour.
_

Kurt wasnt called in until a quarter past eleven. Doctor Hendricks smiled when she saw him.
I was wondering when you were going to come in for a follow up, she said, gesturing for
him to take a seat. Howre things?

Kurt took a deep breath before he started talking; he told her everything from the flashbacks
and the insomnia to the headaches and disorientation that followed. Doctor Hendricks listened
in silence until he finished talking.

The flashbacks are completely normal, she assured him. Even in patients without amnesia,
its common for certain sounds or images to trigger memories of trauma.

There isnt always a trigger, though. Kurt said, remembering the night hed flashed back
just as Sebastian had leaned in to kiss him. Not anything obvious, at least.

Well the fear of the accident is embedded in your brain. For some people, theyll try to block
it out, for others, it keeps coming back no matter what. You dont necessarily need a trigger.

So if flashbacks to traumatic events happen to everyone, its not a sign that my memories
are coming back?

It could be a starting point. she said. Have you recalled anything other than the accident
itself?

Kurt nodded. I had a fight with my husband that morning, just before I left. I remember
snippets of the conversation.

And youve actively been trying to remember things? she asked as she started to shuffle
through his folder, pulling out the blood reports and PET scans that had been taken shortly
after hed woken up.

100

Yes, Kurt said with another affirming nod. Ive looked at pictures and read through my
planners but nothing really helps. Sometimes I get a sense of dj vu or connect certain
scents with emotions but as far as actual memories go, I dont have much.

Doctor Hendricks still had her eyes fixed on a report in her hand. She didnt look worried and
that comforted Kurt, especially when she looked back up at him and gave him another smile.
Like I said before, theres no neurological damage present from what your tests show. Its
just a case of psychogenic amnesia. Your memories arent lost forever.

How long until I get them back? Kurt asked, fully aware of the slightest hint of childishness
to his tone.

Its difficult to say, Doctor Hendricks said in a gentle voice. In most cases, memories dont
come back in one big sweep. Its a gradual process; youre probably going to get
disconnected pieces of information as you go along. You mentioned that certain scents help
you?

Kurt nodded, not wanting to elaborate on the body wash incident when it wasnt required.
Yes, he said. But in the abstract sense.

Try narrowing your focus on what you want to remember, she said. Instead of looking at
pictures spanning ten years, try a month. Pick events youre emotionally invested in. Theres
a greater chance that itll prompt your memory. Itll also help if you keep a diary, track the
memories as they come by so when you go back to them, things will start fitting like the
pieces of a puzzle.
She dissuaded him from doing anything that might cause him unneeded stress. That ruled out
going back to work, not that Kurt had planned on it so soon. He didnt even know the details
of what he did, nor did he have any idea how he was going to go about it without college or
work experience. Hed simply had been hoping to get some part of his life back on track.
Doctor Hendricks shook her head when he told her that, Its too soon. You cant put that
much strain on yourself, its not going to help your memory and itll only worsen your
insomnia.

Kurt hadnt woken up a single time after hed fell asleep with Sebastians arms around last
night. He thought of that when Doctor Hendricks pulled a pad of paper and a pen towards her.
Im reluctant to prescribe any heavy medication to help jog your memory just yet, she said.
Ill give you some light relaxants thatll help you sleep and your headaches but that should
be about it.

And if they dont work? Kurt asked as he took the prescription paper from her.

Well see what we can do then.
_

Sebastian was tapping his fingers impatiently against the steering wheel when Kurt climbed
into the passenger seat. He waited until Kurt had his seatbelt fastened before he asked,
Howd it go?

Good, Kurt said, leaning back in the seat. I got my questions answered at least. He
proceeded to give Sebastian a low down of the basics, only pausing when Sebastian had a
question of his own. Kurt could see him slowly relaxing once he assured him that according to
Doctor Hendricks, everything was normal from the flashbacks to the headaches. She
101

actually told me it was progress just before I left, he said. And that hopefully by the time I
go in for my next appointment, Ill have regained a few more memories.

Lets hope so, Sebastian said as he took a turn. Kurts eyes flickered over Sebastian to the
window where the road was curving but he didnt so much as bat an eye. It was easier to be
on the road when he was with Sebastian and the vehicle in question wasnt a cab. Everything
somehow seemed easier with Sebastian which was funny considering how Sebastian had been
the center of his worries when hed first learned the truth about their situation.

They stopped to pick up some supplies on the way home. Kurt turned the topic to Sebastians
work, asking him when he was due back. A small part of him wished the answer was not for a
while. He didnt want to be the one left behind feeling useless in the apartment while
everyone around him went back to their lives.

I start next Monday, Sebastian said, picking up a carton of milk and putting it in their cart.
I was working from home when you were in hospital and my partner was covering for me
where he could so I was able to get this week off completely. I would have extended my leave
but I cant with all the work thats piled up. He cast an apologetic look to Kurt and it
reminded him of what Sebastian had said about work being crazy a few weeks ago. God
knows how many deals or cases or whatever the hell Sebastian dealt with hed missed just
to spend time with Kurt.

Raspberry chocolate or peanut butter cup?

Huh? Kurt lifted his head from the cart to see Sebastian holding up two cartons of ice
cream.

For tonight, he said, shaking both cartons as if to weigh the contents. What do you want?

Kurt was confused. Whats tonight?

Either Sebastian didnt hear him or he ignored him because all he did was say, Lets take
both, and placed the ice creams in the cart next to the milk.

Whats tonight? Kurt repeated when they started walking again.

Movie night, Sebastian said with a grin. Weve got to start getting you up to date with the
entertainment industry. You are way too behind on pop culture.

Kurt smiled as Sebastian started sorting through fruits. I was actually hoping to call my dad
for dinner tonight, he said. Ive been meaning to cook anyway and I have a lot to talk about
what with all the brand new information Rachel gave me yesterday.
Sebastian looked a little crestfallen but he covered it up well. Yeah, sure. We can still do the
movie afterwards, right?

Kurt nodded and said, Yeah, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Aside from the ice cream, Kurt was surprised at the lack of junk food in their cart. Hed
shopped with Blaine and Finn before; he was used to the ratio of 1: 5 when it came to actual
food and poor excuses for food.

Youre health conscious? he couldnt help but ask.
102


What, no. Sebastian said with a laugh. Well, I mean. I got the gym regularly but Im not
really picky about what I eat in terms of calories. Why?

Kurt had meant to comment on the lack of crisps and sodas in their cart, meant to make a
reference about past experiences with boys and their eating habits but all that came out was,
Youre in good shape.

Sebastians face lit up with a grin so wide, it was a wonder his face didnt split in half.
Oh, am I?

His tone had the same, obnoxious teasing lilt to it that Kurt remembered. It was so easy to
slip back into the cool persona hed used to deal with Sebastian back in high school. Dont
flatter yourself, Sebastian. He said with a roll of his eyes.

Im not the one doing the flattering here, Kurt.

It was just an observation, he said, posture defensive but voice unaffected. Youre in good
shape, just like that man clearly isnt. He nodded towards a man in his mid forties, browsing
a row of nacho dips to their right.

The grin was still plastered to his face but Sebastian didnt tease him any further. Kurt knew
there was no way the blush on his face wasnt showing but at least this way, he got to hold on
to his dignity.
_

Wow, this place is a freaking mess, Sebastian said when they walked through the front
door. Kurt felt momentarily guilty, remembering the careless way hed tossed things to the
ground last night until he realized Sebastian was only talking about the lounge. Their bedding
was still strewn across the floor, the blinds hadnt been lifted and the apartment smelled
slightly stale.

They hadnt had a chance to clean up this morning. Kurt had woken up with Sebastian
plastered to his back at quarter past ten and nothing, not even their close proximity was able
to distract him from the fear of being late to his appointment.

You clean this up, Kurt said as he walked over to the kitchen and deposited their groceries
on the counter. I have a meal to cook.

Lets have lunch first? Sebastian said, lifting the blinds to let in some light. We never got to
have breakfast and Im hungry.

You go ahead, Kurt said with a wave of his hand, already pulling out ingredients he needed.
I dont want anything just yet.

Sebastian threw together a sandwich, glaring at Kurt when he smirked at the way he cut the
corners of the bread. Dont you dare laugh at me, he said. You make smiley faces with
maple syrup on your pancakes.

He grinned smugly when Kurt scowled and turned away.

103

Part 25
When the intercom buzzed, signalling Burts arrival, Kurt abandoned the salad he had been
tossing to answer it even after Sebastian called out, Ill get it. He ignored the questioning
frown his impatience earned him and waited by the door while Burts elevator came up.

He was anxious to see his dad again even though it had only been a day since their last
meeting. Somewhere in between talking about how she and Finn had ultimately decided they
werent going to work together, Rachel had mentioned Burts second heart attack and the
emergency bypass surgery that had to be conducted as a result. To say the news had come
as a shock was a drastic understatement. Kurt knew there wasnt any point in him freaking
out now when the operation was over and done with and his dad seemed perfectly healthy,
but still. It was big news and just the image of his father in the hospital again was enough to
make him shiver.

Burt seemed surprised that Kurt had found out so soon when he confronted him about the
surgery but all he laughed it off, It was years ago, kiddo. Im fine.

Its not about how long ago it was, dad its about how you didnt tell me.

What was there to tell huh? Youve got enough on your plate at the moment without
stressing yourself out over something that happened years ago.

I swear, Sebastian said, shaking his head. You Hummel men are the same. Silent suffering
seems to be a running trend in the family. He caught Kurts eye and grinned, obviously
thinking about how Kurt had refused to tell Burt about the flashback because he hadnt
wanted to worry him.

Kurt couldnt argue with that but he exchanged a smile with his father as they walked over to
the kitchen. He told him about the flashbacks over dinner, finally calm enough himself to
sound convincing when he assured his dad he was fine.

Apparently, his word wasnt enough because Burts head swivelled to look at Sebastian who
was sitting next to Kurt just to get conformation that he was in fact, telling the truth. That
made Kurt feel just a little bit insulted but judging by how often than not hed closed himself
off when going through trouble, he felt that Burts hesitancy in taking his word for it was
justified.

I promise, Im not lying. He said with a roll of his eyes. It was hard at first because I didnt
know what was happening but I met Doctor Hendricks today and she said its a sign of
progress that Ive started remembering things that arent just a part of the accident.

Wait, what? Burt said over a bite of garlic bread. You never mentioned anything about
getting other memories back.

Kurt felt Sebastian stiffen a little next to him. A foot touched his underneath the table in a
silent warning, not that Kurt needed it. He wasnt about to tell his father theyd been fighting.
Its not much, he said carefully. All I remember is talking to Sebastian before I left the
house that morning.

Burt seemed to buy it. Well thats good. Thats really good. Did your doctor say anything
else?

104

Kurt started to tell him about how shed suggested he narrow his focus to specific periods and
the medication shed prescribed him for his headaches but he was constantly distracted
because Sebastian hadnt pulled his foot away yet. His toe was flexing periodically against the
back of Kurts foot in an almost teasing dance.

He couldnt see the expression on Sebastians face when he pulled his foot away since his
eyes were focused on Burt but later, when Kurt glanced at him, Sebastian looked perfectly
fine albeit a little crestfallen like he had at the grocery store earlier that day. Kurt couldnt
help but feel like Sebastian had been testing the waters, checking to see if Kurt would pull
away or let him stay where he was.

He hadnt realized his glance had turned into an unconscious stare until Sebastian turned his
head and caught him. Kurt looked away but not before he caught the grin spreading across
Sebastians face. He was thankful Sebastian didnt call him out on it though. All he said was,
Whether you get your memories back or not, I think its safe to say your cooking skills
havent been affected.
After dinner, Sebastian excused himself to make an important call. Burt settled on the kitchen
stool, eyes trained on Kurt who was setting the dishwasher. He hadnt been as enthusiastic
about washing the dishes by hand this time around.

You two seem to be doing better, he commented.

Kurt nodded, not looking up from the plates he was arranging. Were working on it.

Anything you wanna talk about? Burt asked in a gentle voice that told Kurt he wasnt trying
to force a conversation on him.

He thought of refusing at first because his relationship with Sebastian was something he felt
intensely protective of to the point he didnt want to discuss it with anyone. Not even Rachel
had been able to get him to talk about how things were between the two of them. The reason
he didnt want to say anything was because there was no simple
answer. Fine, good, okay were too generic terms, the real answer was complicated and he
wasnt ready to elaborate on just how complicated.

Kurt was trying to strike a balance between his old self (that he had conveniently
named Sebastians Kurt) and his new self. Trying to explain how the two blended together at
moments wasnt a simple task. Hell, he barely understood it himself. But the way Burt was
looking at him - patiently, affectionately, made Kurt change his mind.

Yes, he said in a quiet voice.

Burt leaned his elbows on the counter and waited. Kurt abandoned the dishes and went to
stand on the opposite end of the counter in front of Burt, trying to think of how to phrase
what he wanted to ask.

This is going to sound crazy, he started. But sometimes I feel like there are two of me.
Burt didnt laugh at him, didnt frown, just stared back and nodded for him to continue. On
one hand theres pre-accident me and then theres me-me.

The sentence had sounded better in his head. Frustrated, Kurt started over. Remember how
you told me to imagine you waking up and not remembering me anymore? Well, lets pretend
you do remember me, but in your head, Im still a sophomore. Burt nodded again, slower
105

this time and Kurt could see he was getting into the headspace hed asked him to imagine.
Think of how badly I was being bullied back then and how Finn was a part of all of it. Now
imagine waking up and discovering that that Finn is your stepson.

He could see hed hit home with his example. Burts lips parted and he said, Oh.

Exactly, Kurt said with a small smile. But then youd spend a few days with him and see
how much he loves you and how hes changed over the years. Say your memories started
coming back but they were more...sense memories than actual memories. Like, youd reach
for a high five after he cracked a really funny joke or, I dont know, clap him on the back like
you do now. You wouldnt realize how familiar you were acting with him, it would all be
unconscious because in your conscious mind, he was still technically your sons bully. But
after a while, the past would start to fade away because it didnt hold any relevance in your
present life and you wouldnt want to bring those old issues back up because youve clearly
moved past them at some point in your life and you trust yourself enough to know that
whatever the reason had been, itd been strong enough.

Is that how you feel? Burt asked. With Sebastian?

Kurt took a deep breath and nodded. Yes, he breathed. It felt like a huge secret had been
let out into the open and he panicked until he reminded himself that this was his dad. A man
he trusted more than anyone in the whole world. I feel like hes family, Kurt said. Its hard
to wrap my head around the whole husbands part sometimes but I can feel he meant a lot
to pre-accident me.

What about post-accident you?
I dont know. Kurt admitted. Its confusing. Sometimes, it feels like were just good
friends. We get along. Other times, its like hes the sole reason I havent gone crazy yet and I
need him around me to keep myself calm. He knows me, he let out a huff of breath, almost
like a laugh. Its scary how well he knows me.


And that makes you feel vulnerable. It wasnt a question. Sebastian wasnt the only one
who knew him well. Burt smiled, seeming to sense that hed been right. Look Kurt, I know
how much your independence matters you and Im not going to tell you for a second that
youre wrong for wanting it. All Im gonna say is that being in a relationship with someone
automatically makes you vulnerable, especially when youve been with them for seven years
married or not. Ive seen you and Sebastian go through some crazy times together. You think
that slushy was the worst of it?

Kurts eyebrows creased. What are you talking about?

Burt shook his head. Not my place to say. What I mean is, yeah hes got seven years on you
right now but do you honestly think you didnt know every bit of him just as well? Kurt
shrugged even though he knew the answer what the answer was. Burts tone became gentler
and he dipped his head to catch Kurts gaze. Is it going to be scary having someone who can
read you like the back of their hand? Hell yeah! But dont run away from it just because it
makes you vulnerable. Trust me, sometimes allowing yourself to be vulnerable in front of
someone isnt a weakness. It takes a hell of a lotta strength.

Im not running away, Kurt said, meeting his dads gaze. I dont want to. Thats the thing. I
want to be around him, sometimes I like how he knows exactly what I need but I just dont
106

know how far I want to take things right now or whether I even consider myself his husband
or just his friend. I dont I dont know.

And thats okay. I dont think Sebastian is going anywhere anytime soon, Burt said with a
smile.

Where am I not going? Sebastian asked, walking back into the kitchen. Kurt straightened up
and wiped his face of the exasperation that had been painted across it a second ago.

Nowhere, he said.

Ah, talking about me were we? Sebastian said with a grin. When Kurt rolled his eyes, he
nudged their shoulders. Its okay. I wont pry - yet. Burt, you wanna watch some football?
he asked, turning to look at Burt.

No, I should get going. Burt said, slapping his palm on the counter and standing up. Dinner
was amazing, Kurt.

Thanks, Kurt said. The look in Burts eyes told him he knew he wasnt just thanking him for
the compliment.

107

Part 26
Kurt had forgotten about Sebastians plans for a movie night until he emerged from the
bathroom to find the coffee table pushed aside and blankets laid out again. The couch was
still in place though, playing host to Sebastians back as he leaned against it, legs stretched
out on the blanket in front of him. He was wearing the same fitted short sleeved shirt he
always wore to bed and a pair of bottle blue cotton pajama pants.

As he approached him, Kurt wondered how many people had been given the chance to see
Sebastian like this. Sure, there must have been countless guys whod seen every inch of skin
on Sebastians body and touched him in ways that Kurt was still uncomfortable thinking about
but how many of those guys had been able to see Sebastian as open and relaxed as he was
right now, his hair an innocent kind of messy from pulling his shirt carelessly over his head
instead of the result of a rough fuck and the grin on his face not meant to be anything but
warm?

Can I ask you something? Kurt said as he sat down next to Sebastian and stretched his own
legs out.

Sebastian nodded, holding up two spoons and one of the ice cream cartons theyd bought
earlier. Kurt accepted the offered spoon and watched Sebastian open the lid of the carton,
noticing how pronounced the stubble on his chin and upper lip was becoming with the lack of
shaving.

How many boyfriends have you had?

Sebastian looked up, a mix of amusement and curiosity on his face. Why? he asked, tilting
his face just a little and regarding Kurt with an exaggerated suspicious look.

Kurt stared back with determination. Because I want to know.

I take it were not counting the ones that lasted less than twelve hours? Kurts expression
must have given him the answer because he grinned and said, Right. Well that narrows the
options quite a bit.

The first time we met, you said youd met the love of your life on the dance floor at
Scandals. Was I supposed to think you were joking or...?

I was joking, Sebastian said with a grin. I met the love of my life in a coffee shop.

Kurt licked his lips and focused his eyes on the spoon he was currently dipping into the
carton. There was a thin layer of melted ice cream at the top and Kurt swirled his spoon
around it absently, willing his face not to heat up under Sebastians gaze.

Have you ever even had a boyfriend? he asked, finally raising his eyes to Sebastians again.

Sebastian shrugged, knocking Kurts spoon aside and taking a bite of his own. I think Ive
had two, excluding you.

You think? Kurt said, arching an eyebrow.

Well, its kind of difficult to determine whether theyre boyfriends or just guys I choose to
have sex with on a fairly regular basis and dont kick out immediately afterwards.
108


Kurt regarded Sebastian with a vaguely disgusted look. He shouldnt have been surprised
because this was Sebastian after all but all of a sudden he was reminded too much of the
seventeen year old promiscuous boy hed hated with a passion.

What? Sebastian said, frowning when Kurt continued to stare at him.

Nothing, I guess I kind of forgot who you were over these past few days.

Sebastian didnt seem offended by the comment at all. In fact, his frown disappeared
instantly, replaced by a wide grin. Oh, I see what youre trying to do.

What am I doing?
In lieu of an answer, Sebastian held up his hand, the band on his finger glinting in the glow of
the lamps. Kurt, whats this? he asked in a voice a teacher might use to ask a pre-schooler
a letter of the alphabet. Kurt knew what Sebastian was trying to say look at this ring, it
means Im yours. Those guys dont matter anymore but his tone still made Kurt feel a flare
of irritation and he slapped Sebastians hand away, glaring at him. Sebastian laughed, You
werent like that, okay?

You mean I wasnt just someone you enjoyed having sex with more than once? Kurt
deadpanned. Sebastian arched an eyebrow in reply and Kurt rolled his eyes, You know what
I mean.

I do. Sebastian said with a nod. And no, you werent just someone but I did enjoy having
sex with you more than once.

Fortunately, Kurt was well past the point of getting embarrassed or uncomfortable when
mentions of their sex life came up so all he did was take a bite of ice cream and ask, What
was I then? To you?

A pain in the ass. Sebastian said, shaking his head.

I assure you, I probably thought the same of you too. Kurt said coolly before he deflated a
bit and added, Which is why I dont understand how we ever got together in the first place.

Sebastian slid in closer so the length of his left leg was pressed against Kurts right and
propped an elbow on the sofa behind Kurts shoulder. You want an honest answer?

I wasnt aware Id have to specify that, Kurt said with some difficulty. His brain seemed very
fixated on the prickle of electricity that was coursing through him where their legs were
touching.

Just making sure I wont be bombarding you with more information than you can handle.
Sebastian said.

You wont, Kurt said firmly. Im okay.

It was complicated, Sebastian said. Until our first date, we were just friends and then that
night happened and things changed. Like, drastically.

Why?
109


Well, we had sex, for one thing. Sebastian said and Kurt could not have been more thankful
for his casual tone. He didnt think he could deal with long, lingering pauses and hesitant
looks. The fact that he and Sebastian had sex was something he had long since accepted just
like hed accepted that they were married. Trying to hide it or acting subtle would not only be
silly but also insulting to him he wasnt a blushing virgin anymore. He could handle listening
to Sebastian talk about their sex life without feeling awkward at least not any more
awkward than hearing Sebastian talk about their love life.

So? Kurt said with the same casual tone.

So, it was amazing. Sebastian said with a grin. More amazing than either of us had
expected and no amount of sex we had that night or the next morning was enough to
stop the craving for more.

Kurt frowned. That thats all it was about? he asked, a little let down. Sex?

Sebastian shook his head in reassurance. Its kind of difficult to explain because we werent
thinking clearly about any of it. You were still patching your relationship with Blaine and
settling in to New York. You hadnt had a steady boyfriend for months and I was my same old
self, going out and fucking whoever was hot enough. Somewhere in between all that, we
became friends. Like I said, you were going through a tough time with your internships and
you enjoyed taking it out on me.

I still dont understand how that makes things complicated, Kurt said, watching the spoon in
Sebastians hand make the journey from the carton to Sebastians lips.

Because, when we went on a date it was supposed to be a fun, onetime thing and we
wouldve used the embarrassing sounds we made during sex as blackmail material for future
use.

But that didnt happen. Kurt said slowly.

Sebastian smiled. We enjoyed it too much. And we wanted more. The thing was, we couldnt
exactly become fuck buddies because it would put our friendship at risk and neither of us was
ready for that. So we kept up the formality of more dates.
No amount of imagination could make the scenario believable in Kurts head. He couldnt think
of how he would ever use dating as an excuse to have sex without an ounce of sincerity in the
emotional aspects of the relationship. There was a gap in the story and that gap was Kurts
thought process in all of this. Kurt desperately wished he had his memories right now so he
could see the reasoning of his past self in agreeing to an arrangement like that.

Sebastian must have seen the disbelief on Kurts face because he said, You stopped being so
comfortable with all of it after a while.

Why? Kurt asked.

See the thing was, even though the dates were formalities they were still dates. We were
spending way more time alone together than we had before and it was starting to change
us.

Change as in -
110


We were becoming too involved. Without realizing it, we were making ourselves more
vulnerable to each other than we had before. Then Christmas break came around and you
went back to Lima -

Kurt felt something stir inside him like a warning. There were flashes in his head, little
glimpses of Sebastian smirking at him with snowflakes in his hair as he watched Kurt enjoy
his first winter in New York, airports packed with people flying in all directions to get to their
families in time for the holidays he didnt know what his mind was grappling for, probably
some way to fill in the gaps of the story Sebastian was telling him but he couldnt quite place
the warning.

Sebastian had gone silent next to him, staring at the slowly melting ice cream in his hands.
What happened when I went back to Lima? Kurt asked quietly.

At the airport, you hugged me. Really tightly and you said Im going to miss you, asshole,
Sebastian had started to twirl his spoon around the melted mess of ice cream now and he
didnt look up as he continued talking. I laughed and said Id try and return the favor but the
thing was, I did miss you. Youd started sleeping over a lot and after you left everything
suddenly seemed really empty. It was at that point that I realized how deep wed gotten
ourselves into this thing, how deepId gotten in to it. I panicked. My opinion on relationships
then was no different from what it had been in high school. I didnt trust them and I didnt
trust myself to be in one. So I did the only thing I could think of to convince myself that
nothing had changed -

You cheated on me. Kurt said simply, staring at his feet.

It wasnt cheating. Sebastian said. Im not saying that in my defense, Im saying that
because it was the truth. We werent actually dating and we both knew it.

But I didnt see it like that, did I? Kurt said, feeling a pang of sympathy towards his younger
self mixed with a certain amount of disappointment at how he hadnt had the sense to guard
himself against what was bound to have been even more crushing heartbreak after Blaine. I
fell in love with you.

There it was. The reason hed agreed to keep going on those dates; he had gone and fallen
in love with Sebastian Smythe.

Sebastian looked at him, his eyes guilty. How do you know?

Wild guess, Kurt said with a small smile.

Sebastian sighed. You did but so did I. You just had the guts to admit it and then step
back. We stopped our dates and you started going out with this Liam guy whod been after
you for ages.

Liam the name sounded familiar. There had been a boy with chestnut colored hair and
dimples that Kurt had seemed to have been with in a lot of the pictures dating back to early
2017, he remembered thinking that the boy must have been his boyfriend judging how close
they had been in all of the shots. Now he knew he had been right.

What happened with us? After I came back?
111

We were still at each others throats, Sebastian said. But you were a lot more guarded
around me and it frustrated me to no extent because Id become used to seeing you
completely open no pun intended. He grinned and Kurt shook his head, an amused smile
tugging at his lips. I didnt know what to do to get you back because you werent ignoring me
so technically there was no getting you back. You took me home after I got too drunk to drive
some nights and you would still buy me coffee from time to time when I was stressed about
law school but I still felt so fucking lost. There you were, all composed with a shiny new
boyfriend next to you and you were moving on and then there I was, going fucking crazy
because I was in love with you but wasnt ready to admit it and basically - theres a lot of
middle but Im going to skip forward because we need that happy ending already I got my
shit together and started actively pursuing you.

Kurt couldnt help the snort that escaped him at that. Actively pursuing?

To his surprise, Sebastian blushed. I was horrible at it, okay? I can be charming when I want
to be but its kind of hard when the person Im trying to charm knows me well enough to see
through any fancy dinner reservations and polite talk and - Kurt was suppressing laughter by
this point because Sebastian was getting defensive, ice cream spilling over from the carton
and trickling onto his fingers as he rambled on. - your boyfriend was a real fucking pain. Hed
get suspicious if I so much as looked in your direction and obviously, he hated me because
eventually, at one point it became obvious what I was doing and everyone seemed to catch
on except for you.

Kurt frowned. I couldnt have been that clueless. I refuse to believe you were throwing
yourself at me with laughable attempts at being charming and I didnt notice.

Sebastian shook his head. You heartless dick, he said. You noticed all right. You were just
enjoying torturing me. You kept me at it for weeks even after Liam broke up with you and
oh yeah, go ahead. Laugh. Lets all laugh. Ha. Ha.

Kurt leaned his head back against Sebastians folded arm where it rested on the couch and
laughed until his vision blurred with the tears in his eyes and well, that was a new. Laughter
as a cause for tears. He would definitely take it over the alternative of painful flashbacks.

Oh god, I would kill to remember that. Kurt said when his laughs subsided and he finally
regained control of his breathing. His stomach was in stitches and he placed a hand over it as
he tilted his head to see Sebastian smiling at him. His eyes were warm and well, there was
no other word for it - adoring. What finally won this prince over, then? Kurt asked.

Sebastian leaned in and pressed his lips to Kurts forehead, completely unlike the way he had
the first night in their apartment. That had been desperate and sloppy with his tears and
heartbreak. This was nothing like that. The press of his lips was soft and tender, lingering on
Kurts forehead until he could feel the warmth of the touch down to the tips of his toes. They
curled of their own accord and his face tilted, causing Sebastians lips to skid over his
forehead until they were skimming the top of his left eyebrow.

A kiss, he said, pulling away a little bit only to dip back down and kiss the arch of Kurts
cheekbone. Several kisses.

Really? Kurt said, trying to keep his voice steady. It came out sounding more than just
steady. It sounding playful and flirty and hey - where did that come from? But Kurt didnt
fight it, he was having too much fun. No Central Park serenade? No skywritten messages
across New York City?
112


Im much better at expressing my feelings physically. Sebastian said, kissing the curve of
Kurts jaw. The arm that had been resting on the sofa now curved around Kurts shoulder,
draping over it and pulling him closer against Sebastians side as he hooked his ankle over
Kurts. So much easier than words.
Kurt waited for the closeness to feel uncomfortable. Waited for the telltale signs of panic in his
head and body which would make him want to pull away but it was like his whole body was
buzzing with laughter, with affection, with god only knew what. All Kurt knew was that he
felt happier than he had since the accident, light and carefree and Sebastian was grinning
against his cheek, the edges of his smile pressing into Kurts own.

Kurt?

Mm.

Sebastians other hand caught Kurts and he tangled their fingers together, arm tightening
around Kurts shoulder and drawing him in even closer until Kurt could feel every rise and fall
of Sebastians chest as he breathed.

I love you.

The words washed over him, sinking into the depths of his bones. A part of Kurt wanted to
say I love you too but he knew it was more Im sure I loved you too. He bit his tongue to
keep from giving in to the temptation because whenever he said those words, he wanted
them to be every bit as sincere and heartfelt as they could be, unhindered by conflicting
emotions from memories he was trying so hard to remember. Something pure and
entirely his.

You dont have to say it back, Sebastian said, saving him the trouble of replying. I just
needed to say it right now.

Kurt felt a rush of gratitude for him and turned his head just the slightest so he could press a
kiss to the corner of his mouth in a silent thank you. Maybe he was better at expressing his
feelings physically too.

Sebastian held him, wrapped completely around Kurts body as if he were a pillow, his
forehead pressed against Kurts shoulder and thumb drawing circles on the inside of his wrist.
Kurt could hear the hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen, the distant buzz of New York City
outside the window and the slow, steady sounds of both their breaths. He rested his cheek on
top of Sebastians head and closed his eyes, feeling at peace with everything like nothing,
not even a decade worth of memory loss could ruin the moment.

113

Part 27
There was a lot to be said about waking up next to someone. Kurt had always found the
concept romantic; blinking your eyes open in the morning to see the peaceful, sleeping face
of your lover before anything else the perfect start to the day.

Just like most of his romantic fantasies though, this idea had been more appealing in theory
than actuality. Waking up to Finns face for the first time had been a sore disappointment
his mouth had been hanging open, a spot of drool dripping from the corner and Kurt had
found himself questioning what it was that he saw in this boy. Waking up next to Blaine in his
bed after Rachels party had only brought a wave of sadness and hed decided that waking up
alone was the only option for him. Private, peaceful and with no one to break any
expectations he had of them.

It wasnt until Kurt had started dating Blaine that he regained faith in the romance of it all. He
remembered waking up the night after theyd had sex for the first time to find Blaines face
inches from his, eyelashes fanned out across his skin and lips parted just the slightest bit as
he slept. Kurt had felt warm all over at the sight, found himself thinking so this is what its
like.

Kurt knew that Blaine was far from the only boy hed woken up with. Hed heard Sebastian
and Rachel talk about some of the boys hed fooled around with when hed moved to New
York and Kurt was willing to bet hed had at least a handful of awkward morning after
encounters even if a small part of his brain told him he was probably overestimating. It didnt
matter though because none of those encounters had a place in Kurts memory.

So when Kurt opened his eyes to see Sebastian next to him, his first thought was this is kind
of romantic.

Except that it wasnt not really.

For one thing, Sebastian wasnt even directly next to Kurt. He was on the floor, sprawled
across the blankets while Kurt laid stomach first on the couch above him. The sight was a lot
less romantic and a lot more hilarious from this point of view. Kurt had to stifle a laugh at the
way Sebastian had a cushion covering his face to block out the light streaming in from the
windows.

After a few seconds of staring at him, Kurt started to feel creepy. So he kicked the blanket
free of his feet and stood up, moving to let down the blinds before he walked back to
Sebastian and plucked the cushion from his face. Youll suffocate yourself in your sleep, he
said, rolling his eyes. Sebastian snuffled, turned on his side and proceeded to bury his face
further into his pillow, looking just the slightest bit annoyed.

He didnt stir while Kurt made breakfast which Kurt found somewhat wounding to his pride.
On more than one occasion hed been assured that his French toast smelled good enough to
wake the dead but apparently, Sebastian didnt share the sentiment.

Breakfast in bed was a luxury Kurt loved though the only times he was afforded it was when
he was sleeping over at Blaines or when his dad brought some toast and coffee on the days
he slept in not exactly the most fashionable breakfast, but it was the thought that counted.
When Kurt was the one serving, he went all out. His mother had been the one to teach him
that the quality of food wasnt just in the taste, presentation could make the world of a
difference. The difference between regular, boring pancakes or pancakes with syrupy smiley
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faces.

Kurt liked waking people up with a carefully decorated tray, liked seeing their faces light up
whether it was his dad or Blaine or Rachel and Mercedes when they had one of their
sleepovers. It was a simple gesture of appreciation for his friends and family so he didnt think
too much when he set up a similar tray for Sebastian; Orange spice French toast with
powdered sugar on top, scrambled eggs, whole wheat bread, butter, jam a bowl of mixed fruit
and two cups of steaming hot coffee.

He set the tray on the coffee table not far from where Sebastian was sleeping before he knelt
down next to him and rapped him lightly on the forehead with his knuckles. Sebastian, hey
Sebastian. Wake up.
Sebastian grumbled, no longer springing to attention at the slightest touch like he had when
Kurt reached for him scared and shaking from his dreams the night before last.

Go away, he mumbled.

Sebastian -

Its Sunday, let me sleep.

Its Tuesday. Kurt corrected with a frown. And Im the one with amnesia here, he added
under his breath as he pushed at Sebastians shoulder again. Come on, wake up.

Sebastian turned on to his back, looking severely pissed. The irritation faded a little when he
opened his eyes and saw Kurt, his face softening into a smile. Oh, its you.

Of course its me, Kurt said with a roll of his eyes. He liked how easy the conversation felt,
like it was one they had all the time. Maybe it was.

Mm, Sebastian hummed, reaching up to touch Kurts face before he could move away.
Good morning.

Kurt gently pulled Sebastians hand away and said, Good morning to you too. Ive got
breakfast.

Not yet, Sebastian said, grabbing Kurts wrist when he started to lean back towards the
coffee table. Cmere.

Sebastian's eyes were still sleep heavy, not quite open yet and his smile was lazy enough for
Kurt to conclude that he was still in the process of waking up. That would explain why he
didnt think twice before pulling Kurt down on to his chest and trapping him there with an arm
around his back. Kurts protest was muffled in the cotton of Sebastians shirt partly because
the move had taken him by surprise and partly because he was hit by the strong, familiar
scent of body wash and clean sweat that made his body go lax.

It was like smelling the lingering hints of his mothers perfume on her old dresser. There was
a certain rightness about it that made him press in closer, search out the scent to where it
was stronger, just in the dip of Sebastians collarbone. He was tempted to stay there, after all
it wasnt like he hadnt let Sebastian hold him close to his chest last night while they watched
some Oscar nominated thriller.

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But Kurt had felt in control last night, at least more in control than he felt right now. If he
didnt pull away, he was certain hed end up doing something stupid. Not stupid exactly, that
wasnt the right word. Impulsive.

Naw, baby come back... Sebastian protested when Kurt pulled free of his grip but he trailed
off when he opened his eyes again and saw the expression on Kurts face. He seemed to wake
up properly then, realization hitting him all of a sudden. Shit, Im sorry.

Its okay, Kurt said with a wave of his hand.

I forgot - Sebastian broke off and closed his eyes, all hints of relaxation slipping from his
face replaced by a painful kind of sadness. Its just that we do that a lot.

Im sorry, what?

Sebastian kept his eyes closed as if looking at Kurt was too painful. We bring breakfast to
each other in bed on weekends and laze around until it gets cold. His voice was dripping with
nostalgia. Im sorry, he finally looked at Kurt again, his eyes genuinely apologetic. It was
easy to forget that things arent the same.

Kurt felt the overwhelming urge to punch something. For the look on Sebastians face, for the
longing in his own heart. Instead, he forced a smile and leaned back to grab the tray. Well
theyre not much different if weve still got the breakfast in bed part down, right?

Sebastian sat up, smiling slowly when he saw the food spread out on the tray. Fancy.

And its still warm, Kurt said with a grin.

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Part 28
Kurt spent most of his Tuesday gathering information on his bank accounts and ATM codes,
configuring his phone settings and retrieving as many passwords as he could based on
Sebastians knowledge and his own guesswork. By evening, he was sick of looking at papers
and computer screens all day but Sebastian refused to change out of his pajamas to go out.
He was hell bent on turning his Tuesday into the perfect lazy Sunday so instead, they ended
up taking mugs of coffee onto the roof to watch the sunset. Kurt kept thinking about the last
time he had been there, about Blaine, about the kiss. Sebastian was apparently thinking
along the same lines because he was silent, staring out over the buildings at the sinking sun
with a thoughtful expression on his face.

For a long time, neither of them spoke but when the sun finally dipped below the horizon and
the city started to glow to life in the darkness, Kurt let out a long sigh and said, New York
City.

How observant of you, Sebastian said with a grin.

Kurt ignored him and closed his eyes against a cool breeze that had undoubtedly messed his
hair up as it passed. He couldnt bring himself to care. I still have a hard time believing Im
actually here, he said. In this city, in this apartment -

- stuck with me. When Kurt turned to look at him, Sebastians grin was teasing.

Stuck with you, yes. he said with a small smile of his own.

Could be much worse, you know.

Could be, Kurt agreed quietly as Sebastian reached out to take his hand.

They stayed on the roof until their stomachs started to protest but once they got back to the
apartment, neither of them was in the mood to cook anything. Im not going out, Sebastian
said, flopping onto the couch. Order something.

While they waited for their food to arrive, Kurt played around with their entertainment
system. He hadnt really paid it any attention since hed moved in, occasionally catching
snippets of football and CNN headlines while Burt or Sebastian watched, never feeling inclined
to look at it himself. They didnt have any DVDs, he knew that much. Their library was all
digitalized, the home page divided into folders Live TV, Recorded Shows, Movies and Music.
Kurt was about to open the movies folder when a thought struck him all of a sudden and he
almost dropped the remote in excitement.

Oh my god, he said, a grin slowly spreading across his face.

What?

I just realized that we probably have all of the unaired Greys Anatomy episodes. Except,
theyre not unaired anymore because Im in the future and shit. He didnt even care how
crazy he sounded or that Sebastian had burst out laughing next to him because finally,
something good about skipping forward ten years in his life. At least hed know if Meredith
and Derek had their happy ending or not.

Ignoring how Sebastians shoulders were still shaking with laughter, he opened the recorded
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shows folder and held himself back from squealing when he saw a file labelled Greys
Anatomy The Complete Seasons. Before Kurt could open it, Sebastian had pried the remote
away from his hand and navigated back to the home screen.

Hey! Kurt protested.

We are watching a movie, he said firmly. You have all the time in the world to catch up on
that stupid show. Im not sitting through another marathon. God knows Ive had enough in
the past. He opened up the movies main page filled with further sub folders; Sebastians
picks, Kurts picks, Mutually Agreed Upons, Genre Divisions, To-Watch, Private and turned to
Kurt again. So. Its your turn to choose tonight. You want to base your choice on genre or
trust the taste of your past self?

Why do I get the feeling youre enjoying this way more than you should? Kurt asked, taking
the remote from Sebastians hand again. His taste in movies was impeccable so Kurt was
certain that picking something at random from his folder would be a safe enough option but
before he did that, his curiosity had him scrolling past everything on to the very last folder
labelled as Private.
Two icons appeared up when he opened it, one a sub folder titled Wedding and the other a
small padlock. When Kurt tried to open it, a request to enter a password popped up in large,
bold letters.

Why is this locked? Kurt asked, turning to Sebastian for answers but he only found the other
boy grinning.

Lets leave that one for now shall we?

Why? Kurt pressed, his interest piqued.

Trust me.

No.

Kurt.

Whats in the file?

You dont want to know.

I do.

No, you really dont, Sebastian insisted. Not right now.

Something in his eyes convinced Kurt that he was right. His curiosity was far from
extinguished but there was an underlying feeling of hesitancy that came from the warning in
Sebastians tone. Up until now, he hadnt really held back on answering any of Kurts
questions, had gone as far as talking openly about their sex life. If Sebastian thought that file
was something Kurt wasnt ready for yet, Kurt was going to go ahead and trust him.

Fine, he said, jaw tightening as he clicked back to the movies page. But Im going to come
back to that.

118

The first movie they watched was a mindless comedy, the kind that had no plot, no purpose
but kept your stomach in stitches from laughing too hard. The second was the 2014 movie
adaptation of Wicked which, as Sebastian had predicted, Kurt ended up disliking. It was fun
pointing out everything that was wrong with it though, especially since Sebastian seemed well
rehearsed in the complaints and said exactly what Kurt was thinking (probably reciting from
past experiences).

The criticism continued long after the movie was over Kurt kept thinking of new things to
add as they threw away the empty noodle containers, as they brushed their teeth, as they
stripped away the extra comforter and settled into bed. It was only after he finished saying,
It doesnt do the original production any justice, with a huff of breath that he realized how
silent Sebastian had gone next to him.

Kurt turned his head to ask him what was wrong but he lost his train of thought halfway
through. Sebastian was staring at him with a strange look in his eyes, a cross between
hopeful and amused and the realization of where they were and how theyd got there without
Kurt realizing hit him all too suddenly.

Youre in my bed, he blurted out.

Yeah, I was wondering when youd notice that. Sebastian said with a tentative grin.

How did I not notice you crawling into my bed?

Our bed, Sebastian corrected. And probably because you seemed a little preoccupied
with Wicked to notice.

And you decided to take advantage of that? Kurt asked, arching an eyebrow.

Sebastian offered him a grin in reply before adding, Id say Im sorry but I couldnt help
myself - especially after how you didnt bat an eye when I started brushing my teeth next to
you in the bathroom. I figured you were going to stop rambling and say goodnight at the door
but it was like you were in some kind of trance. You just kept on talking and talking and then
you were climbing into bed and nodding towards me to switch off the lights and I wanted to
see how far you were going to go before it hit you.

Well its hit me now, Kurt said, not quite believing how hed ignored it in the first place.

And its time for me to leave. It wasnt a question so Kurt didnt give an answer. Sebastian
shifted closer to Kurt, the light peeking in through the blinds casting shadows on his face.
Can I say goodnight before I leave? he asked, cupping Kurts cheek and brushing his thumb
along the short hairs near his temple.
Goodnight, Kurt said, his voice trembling just the slightest but Sebastian didnt pull away.

You know it could be another sign, he said in a soft voice.

Hmm? Kurt hummed, his eyes starting to feel heavy as Sebastians thumb circled Kurts
temple in another soothing motion.

The fact that you didnt think anything was out of the ordinary when I moved to lie down
next to you, Sebastian said with a smile. Maybe it wasnt just because you were busy
thinking about a stupid movie, maybe it was because your mind didnt see anything weird
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about us going to bed together.

Kurt had been thinking the same thing but all he said was, Yeah. Maybe.

Sensing that Kurt wasnt in the mood to press the subject, Sebastian ducked down to kiss his
forehead quickly before he slipped out of bed, leaving with only a quiet, Goodnight, baby.

Kurt had barely closed his eyes when he felt the bed dip again. The room was much darker
than it had been a moment ago but Kurt didnt need light to make out the familiar shape of
Sebastians body moving towards him. He was about to say, oh, youre back but Sebastian
was reaching out to pull him closer to his chest, his breath warm against Kurts face and Kurt
thought, of course he is.

Warm lips touched his just as a pair of arms encircled his waist and Kurt melted into the
touch, moving closer until he could feel the heat of Sebastians body pressed along the length
of his. Seconds turned into minutes which could have turned into hours, Kurts jaw never tired
of moving in slow sync with Sebastians. The brush of a soft, wet tongue against his own
never became too much, the hand rubbing up and down his spine in long, even strokes never
stopped every nerve in his body from tingling. He stayed there, his hands in Sebastians hair,
leg thrown over his hip as they kissed in the darkness of the room feeling lazy and content.

I love you, Kurt. Sebastian whispered, moving his lips to kiss along Kurts jaw, the column
of his throat, the base of his collarbone.

Kurt opened his mouth to reply but he couldnt bring himself to form words. He tried and
failed to make a sound, any sound but nothing came out except a broken gasp.

Youre not going to say it back? Sebastian asked, moving to hover over Kurts body with a
frown.

I cant.

Why not? Sebastian asked, tilting his head and regarding Kurt with a frustrated expression.

There was a reason. Kurt couldnt remember the reason. Something about an accident but
how was he supposed to explain it to Sebastian?

Why not, Kurt? Sebastian asked again, his voice lower and more dangerous than before. His
face twisted with rage, eyes blazing even in the darkness. Kurt didnt realize Sebastian was
pressing down on his stomach with his elbow until the sharp pain hit him like a bullet and his
eyes flew open.

He was out of his bed and rushing towards the bathroom before the scene had faded from the
back of his eyelids. His dinner came up in long, burning heaves that left his eyes watering and
his whole body shaking. When he was finished, Kurt slumped against the shower stall,
accepting the glass of water that appeared in front of him. It took a few moments for him to
register he was no longer leaning against frosted glass of the stall but in Sebastians arms.
The second he became aware of this, he ripped himself away from Sebastian, getting to his
feet and backing up.

Are you okay? Sebastian asked, looking hurt by Kurts reaction.

I - Kurt cleared his throat, taking deep gulps of air.
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It must have been the shrimp, Sebastian said. I thought it tasted a little funny. You
shouldnt have had so much.

Yeah, Kurt said, splashing water on his face. He could feel the panic lingering from his
dream seep out through him with every cold droplet against his skin. Once he felt calm
enough, he reopened his eyes and looked at Sebastians reflection in the mirror. He was
staring at Kurt with a worried expression.

Do you want me to get you anything? he asked.

My prescription pills are on the kitchen counter, can you grab those? Kurt asked in a steady
voice.
Sebastian nodded and disappeared, leaving Kurt to turn his gaze towards his own pale
reflection. Just a dream, he whispered. Just a stupid dream.

The shrimp had tasted a little funny, now that Kurt thought about it. That was a perfectly
logical explanation as to why his dream had become so distorted towards the end. It had
happened a few times over the years whenever hed had a bad dinner or contracted a nasty
case of food poisoning. In his dreams, hed be doing something completely unrelated but the
sickening feeling in his stomach would distract him and all of a sudden the Broadway stage
hed be on would start to shake or the car he would be in would pick up speed until his
stomach churned and he woke up rushing to the bathroom to puke.

The realization made him feel stronger on his feet, feel like he was more firmly rooted in
reality.

Do you want me to stay with you? Sebastian asked later when Kurt headed back to bed.

Im fine, Kurt said.

You sure?

Whatever it was probably came up back there, Im okay. Kurt said with a nod.

Whyd you need the relaxants then? Sebastian asked, looking doubtful.

Kurt didnt know whether to be annoyed or touched by the careful observation. Headache,
he said.

You want another massage?

Kurt smiled at that, Im good, thanks.

Dont be modest, Ive been told I can work magic with my hands. Sebastian said with a grin,
though Kurt could see he still looked worried.

Im the one who needs to be modest?

Come on, you can pay me back later with breakfast in bed again. His voice was laced with a
note of pleading despite how he hid it well behind his cocky grin and easy posture.

121

The second Im asleep, youre out. Kurt said with a sigh as he pushed through the door into
the bedroom. And dont get your hopes up for breakfast, it was your laziness that prompted
the Chinese tonight and consequently why Im sick. If anyone is making breakfast, its you.

Sebastian scoffed, My fault? It wasnt like you were insisting on cooking anything. The most
we would have done was go out and eat Chinese instead of ordering it. Dont put this on
me.

Its still on you. Kurt said stubbornly, moving under the covers again. Sebastian lowered
himself down next to him, smiling but he didnt say anything as he reached for Kurts face.
His fingers were warm against Kurts cool skin and it took only a few seconds for Kurt to feel
the ache in his head recede.

His stomach was growling with hunger when he woke in the morning but before he could even
consider what he wanted for breakfast, Sebastian appeared in the doorway bearing a fully
laden tray. Kurt sat up as Sebastian set the tray on his lap and surveyed the contents with an
amused gaze.

Among the bread and jam and juice was a plate of pancakes winking at him with a lopsided,
syrupy smiley.

122

Part 29
The rest of the week passed in a sluggish blur; Kurt spent his time either catching up with
movies, Greys Anatomy episodes or piecing together more information about his past. He
followed Dr. Hendricks advice and stuck to specific timeframes, focusing as hard as he could
on major events but no matter how many pictures and video clips he watched or how detailed
a description Sebastian gave him about where they were or what they were doing, his
memory remained stubbornly locked.

There were moments when Kurt was tempted to give up but as Sebastian kept pointing out,
even if he didnt remember everything completely, at least he knew it had happened. That
was better than being completely clueless right?

Think of everything as a huge party that youre too drunk to remember, he said. And Im
you designated driver whos piecing everything together for you.

Funny, Kurt said with a grin. That you should be the designated driver. If I remember
correctly, thats my job.

We like switching things up, Sebastian countered with a wink, nudging Kurts shoulder when
he rolled his eyes.

Sebastian was right though. By the time Saturday rolled around, even though Kurt was no
better off on the road to magically remembering everything, the thick fog in his brain had
started to clear a little. He still got headaches when he pressured himself too much to
remember things but the relaxants Dr. Hendricks had given him helped; they had rid him of
the nightmares at least.

They were having breakfast, a part of the day which was fast becoming Kurts favorite, when
he said, Im going to go out after this.

Hmm? Sebastian hummed, still half asleep as he sipped his coffee.

Im going out, Kurt repeated patiently. There are a few things I want to do. That wasnt
entirely true, Kurt had no idea what he was going to do but he wanted to get out and explore
the city on the own. The times hed wandered around aimlessly with Sebastian and Rachel
had been fun, but he felt like a more personal date with New York was due. She had been
sorely neglected in the wake of his accident. You can tag along if you want, he said, smiling
at how it made Sebastian sound like some sort of faithful puppy.

Of course, the offer was only another formality because Kurt was well aware of how Sebastian
had to get started on reading case files so he would be up to date with everything when he
went back to work on Monday. Wasting a day frolicking in the city was the least of his
priorities at the moment.

As predicted, Sebastian groaned and dropped his head to the kitchen counter, though that
could also have been because he wasnt awake enough to be having a conversation that
required him to do anything more than grunt. Theyd stayed up until three a.m. watching
more movies last night by now, Kurt had managed to get through at least a quarter of their
favorite picks but an unfortunate incident with a mug slipping from Kurts hand and
shattering on the floor at eight thirty in the morning had wrecked Sebastians plans to sleep
in.

123

Is that a yes, a no or a god, shut up? Kurt asked with an amused smile as he sipped his
apple juice.

Its a fuck why do we have to work, Sebastian said, lifting his head. I want to come with
you but I cant. Jon is going to come over around noon to brief me on a couple of things and
theres probably no way I can reschedule.

Thats fine, Kurt said, trying to hide the relief he felt.

You going to be okay on your own? Sebastian asked and though his concern was genuine,
Kurt couldnt stop his voice from sounding a haughty and defensive when he replied.

I think I can handle the big, bad city without a babysitter, Sebastian.

I didnt mean it like that, Sebastian said with none of his usual playfulness. He sounded a
rather lot like a whining baby.

Kurt loosened up and managed a small smiled. I know.
So where are you headed? Sebastian asked, taking a long sip of his coffee.

To meet my dad, mostly. It wasnt a complete lie, Kurt had been planning on visiting his
father but he still hoped Sebastian wouldnt push for details. He didnt. Ill be back by lunch,
he continued, turning back to his half finished bowl of cereal. If not, Ill text you to let you
know.

Sebastian nodded, draining the remainder of his coffee and getting to his feet. Im going to
go squeeze in some more sleep before Jon gets here.

After having two cups of strongly caffeinated coffee?

Its worth a shot, Sebastian said with a shrug.

Kurt was too preoccupied with finishing his breakfast and planning what he was going to wear
that he didnt notice how Sebastian was still standing next to him, staring quietly. Thats
kind of creepy, Kurt said when he finally caught him in the act.

Sebastian grinned, stepping forward so he was inches away from where Kurt was sitting on
his stool. Weve done creepier stuff in the past.

Im not sure I want to know what you mean by that.

Well save it for when youre ready then, Sebastian said, cupping Kurts face. A crease
appeared between his eyebrows as he stroked his thumb along Kurts cheek. Promise youll
come home to me?

The fear in his voice was so heavy it surprised Kurt. It was as if Sebastian was afraid Kurt
would go and get himself into another accident. Which, Kurt realized, was exactly what
Sebastian was worried about.

What did I tell you about being able to take care of myself? Kurt said, trying to prompt a
grin but Sebastian didnt take the bait.

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Im not worried about you. Im more concerned about those jackasses who dont think twice
before smashing into someone elses car.

I dont think they do that on purpose.

Still, Sebastian said, thumb rubbing insistently at a spot on Kurts cheek. Im allowed to be
scared. You think youre the only one having flashbacks?

Kurt hadnt thought about of that. Theyd been sleeping in separate rooms after their first
movie night. Kurt was out like a light the second his head hit the pillows thanks to the
relaxants so the thought that Sebastian was waking up worrying about him in the next room
never crossed his mind.

Actually, now that he thought of it there had been a moment a couple of nights ago when
hed heard the creak of a door opening and the ghost of fingertips against his skin but hed
been too heavy with sleep and drugs to think anything of it and chalked it up to some sort of
dream.

Now that Sebastian had admitted to flashing back to Kurts accident or probably getting the
news of Kurts accident, in his case he was certain that it had been Sebastian checking to
make sure Kurt was still with him.

He wasnt sure of how to respond to this piece of information so he continued to try and turn
the conversation on to a lighter note. Maybe I should start sharing those relaxants with you,
he said with a grin.

Sebastian finally smiled and dropped his hand. Maybe then Ill be able to sleep through all
the noise you make in the mornings.

Hey, it was one time. Kurt said, the corners of his mouth turning down as Sebastian
laughed.

Just come back, okay? Sebastian said in a softer tone.

Kurt nodded. I will.
There was so much to do in New York but Kurt found the little things more thrilling than
anything else. He withdrew cash from the ATM, bought himself a cup of coffee and went from
store to store doing nothing but scanning the racks of coats and jeans with the knowledge
that if he wanted, he could buy any of them. It was different from the last time hed been in
New York during his Nationals trip. Then, hed been careful about every penny he spent,
knowing that he couldnt afford to splurge on unnecessary accessories with college looming
over his head.

Even now, he wasnt stupid enough to spend money just for the sake of spending it but when
he came across a cute vintage Bakelite collar pin, he couldnt resist buying it. Hed only just
made this decision when someone calling his name caught his attention.

The store he was in what was the name, again? Palladium - was mostly empty so he found
the source easily. A tall man, in about his mid thirties with cropped hair and a silver earring
shining in his left ear was making his way towards Kurt. He was an employee at the store,
going by his uniform and when he was close enough, Kurt made out the name Paulo on his
badge.
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Ah, Kurt, he said in a slightly accented voice. Good to see you again.

Hi, Paulo Kurt said, proud of how casual he sounded when in reality, he was wracking his
brain hard for the slightest hint of who this man was.

Where have you been? Ive been trying to contact you for weeks! Paulo said with a shake of
his head.

Oh, my uh my phone broke. Kurt lied.

Well, Ill be damned. Your orders been here since the Thursday before last. I thought youd
forgotten about it.

I have, Kurt thought but he said, Im sorry. Things have been a bit busy.

Paulo motioned for him to follow as he led the way to the long counters next to the display of
collar pins Kurt had been looking at. Hows that husband of yours? he asked as he shuffled
through some boxes on the other side of the counter.

Hes great, Kurt said, not sure why he was playing along instead of coming out straight and
telling Paulo the real reason he hadnt been around for weeks and how he had no clue what
order they were talking about. It was too easy to pretend nothing was out of the ordinary.

Paulo turned around with a small, square box in his hands and Kurt leaned forward, watching
expectantly as Paulo raised the lid. The inside was lined with grey silk, rising and falling in soft
folds like waves around a thin, black bracelet.

Kurt lifted it out of box, marvelling at how light it felt in his hands. The leather was woven
together to meet in a steel metal clasp. Opposite the clasp were two small silver links framing
a strip of smoother leather.

Beautiful, isnt it? Paulo asked with a smile, watching Kurt run his fingers over the rope like
pattern.

Yeah, Kurt breathed, unclasping it to try it on. It didnt fit though, the band was on the side
of uncomfortably loose. Um, I think theres a problem with the size. Kurt said with a frown
but when he looked up at Paulo, he found the other man giving him an amused smile.

Thats because its not tailored to your hand, he said as if he found the whole thing
hilarious.

Why not? Kurt asked, feeling like he was missing out on something.

Because its for Sebastian...? Paulo looked suspicious now and Kurt felt like giving himself a
mental slap for not realizing it sooner.

Right, of course. he said quickly, slipping the band off and fixing the clasp again. I ordered
this for Sebastian because -

You wanted to surprise him with something special for you anniversary, Paulo finished with
a nod. I wish my girlfriend was as romantic. I doubt she even remembers when our
anniversary is.
126


Kurt thought of telling him that he didnt remember his anniversary either but all he did was
ask, So Im guessing Sebastian doesnt know about this?
Paulo seemed to think he was questioning whether or not he had been responsible for giving
anything away because he shook his head. Oh absolutely not. My lips have been sealed. He
came in a few days after you had placed your order to - he stopped, his smile turning guilty.

To -? Kurt prompted.

Paulo shook his head, still smiling. Nothing.

Kurt didnt believe for a second it was nothing but he let it go and dropped his gaze to the
bracelet in his hand. He was about to put it back in its case when a flash of silver caught his
eye. Curious, Kurt lifted it up to examine the embossed words behind the strap of plain
leather.

Discord and Rhythm

He didnt get a chance to dwell on what it meant or decide whether it would be too suspicious
to ask Paulo if he knew because Paulo had started talking again. I trust I dont have to
explain how to take care of leather?

Kurt replaced the bracelet in the box and let Paulo adjust the silk around it. Dont wear it in
the shower? he said.

Paulo laughed, Basically, yes. Should I wrap this up for you?

No, its okay. Kurt said.

Its a gift, isnt it? Paulo said. No extra charge.

Okay, I guess.

Paulo disappeared with a curt nod and a, Be right back.

Kurt remained standing at the counter, staring at a point far off in the distance, repeating the
words over and over in his mind.

Discord and Rhythm, Discord and Rhythm - he knew of Discord and rhyme from a Duran
Duran song but it still made no sense.

Fifteen minutes later he walked out of the shop with the small box safely in his coat pocket
next to the bowtie pin collar hed chosen for himself.

The first thing he did was text Sebastian to let him know he wasnt going to be home from
lunch, no point in having him worry. Sebastian replied in a split second with a simple sad
emoticon.

Next, Kurt called his dad and asked him if he would be able to delay their meeting until
evening and cover for him if Sebastian asked where he was. It took a certain amount of
convincing and promising that he would explain everything to get Burt to agree.

127

Finally, Kurt scrolled through his contacts, his thumb stopping to hover over the name of the
one person he was certain would have answers to what he wanted to know.

Blaine Anderson

128

Part 30
Blaine's nervousness was so palpable, he had barely taken a seat at the diner opposite Kurt
when Kurt snapped, "Stop it.

Stop what? Blaine asked, looking half alarmed.

Stop being so nervous, Kurt said, linking his fingers together and resting them on the table in
front of him. Theres nothing to be nervous about, youre only making me uncomfortable.

Sorry, Blaine said sheepishly. We havent spoken in a while and given how things ended
between us last time, its just a little weird.

Kurt had known the kiss would come up sooner or later. Better sooner than later, then. Look, he
started, staring at his hands. That kiss was something I needed more than anything at that
moment and you gave it to me." I shouldnt have.

But you did. Kurt said, eyes flickering up to see Blaine staring out the window.

It was a mistake.

No it wasnt, Kurt said with more force this time. It was wrong, but it wasnt a mistake. If you
hadnt kissed me, I wouldnt have been able to move on.

So youve moved on? The question was quiet, but Blaines eyes were intent on his face now as
he waited for an answer.

Kurt took a moment to consider the question, raking his eyes over the familiar lines of Blaines
face. The urge to yes and leave everything at that was strong but he couldnt lie, not if he wanted
his relationship with Blaine to continue being as open and honest as it had been before. So he
settled for, Im trying.

Blaines mouth twisted a little. Kurt could see the disappointment in the lines of his face and that
made him angry.

You know, if you wanted to act like this you shouldnt have come at all, Blaine.

Its just, Sebastian already hates me as it is, I dont want to risk -

Youre not risking anything but spending some time with me in a completely public place with a
greasy table in between us. Kurt snapped. I think you can trust me enough to not jump at you
throughout lunch.

Blaine look startled, as if he hadnt been aware his reaction had been offensive. Im sorry, Kurt.
He said quickly. I didnt mean it like that.

Kurt exhaled through his nose and gave a small nod of acknowledgment. Like I said, Im trying.
These things dont fix themselves in a day. I loved you Blaine, Blaine shifted uncomfortably just
as Kurt added, But when I said that kiss was for closure, I meant it.

Im sorry, Blaine said again.
129


Kurt stared at him for a second. I need my best friend right now, he said. But I cant act
naturally around him if hes going to read into every little sign of affection.

Blaine nodded and then shook his head, an odd sort of bobble which gave him an overall comical
effect. No, no. Youre right. Im sorry.

Stop apologizing. Blaine snapped his mouth shut immediately and looked at Kurt with a rapt
expression for a second before his shoulders relaxed and his lips quirked into a grin.

Hey, Kurt. He said in a pointedly cheerful voice. Havent seen you in forever.

Kurt gave him a grateful smile and said, Thank you.

They ordered their food while Kurt caught Blaine up on everything that had happened since
theyd last seen each other. Blaine had got updates from Rachel but he didnt know about Kurts
flashback or his appointment with Doctor Hendricks or the nightmares. Blaine didnt interrupt him
much and when Kurt was finished talking, he asked, What about you and Sebastian?

Things are definitely a lot better than they were before, Kurt said, stirring the straw around in his
glass of lemonade. I mean, I guess part of it is because of everything the flashbacks make me
feel but other than that, it got a lot easier to be around him once I stopped looking at him as
Sebastian Smythe, the devils spawn sent to ruin my life and started looking at him as the guy I
had for some strong unknown reason, decided to marry.

Blaine smiled, I wouldnt let go of the devils spawn theory just yet. You should see him on his
bad days. Kurt raised an eyebrow as Blaine popped his last French fry into his mouth and
reached for a napkin, Im messing with you. Im glad you guys are working things out. So
whats this about? You said you needed my help with something but you sound okay to me.

Oh, right. Kurt said, remembering the reason hed called Blaine in the first place. I have
something to show you.

He regarded the greasy tabletop for a second before laying a napkin down on it and reaching for
box in his pocket. He placed it on top of the napkin and carefully took the bracelet out for Blaine
to see. Recognition sparked in Blaines eyes, quickly turning into excitement and he automatically
reached a hand of for the bracelet but Kurt pulled it away.

Not after that burger, no. he said. You have wash your hands first.

Kurt, come on. At least let me see. Blaine protested.

Kurt held the bracelet out for Blaine to inspect, Im guessing you know what this is, then?

Blaine looked at Kurt and nodded, Yeah of course. You went on about it for ages before placing
an order. I went through a million different designs with you before you settled on that. Wait,
howd you get it? he looked up inquiringly at Kurt.

Kurt told him about his chance encounter with Paulo and how hed played along even though he
had no clue what the man was going on about. When is our anniversary, anyway? he asked.
Mine and Sebastians, I mean.
130


He couldnt help but feel slightly embarrassed that he didnt even know the date theyd gotten
married but Blaine didnt ask him why he wasnt aware of this piece of information, simply
answered, 22nd August.

Kurt frowned. Its late June right now, isnt it? he looked around as if expecting a calendar to pop
out at him. Its kind of early to be buying presents.

Blaine laughed, Thats what I said to you but you told me to shut up.

Kurt looked at the bracelet in his hand. What about this? he asked, holding it out so Blaine could
read the engraving. Does that mean anything to you?

Discord and Rhythm, Blaine read. Yeah its - he sat back and paused, looking like he was
trying to think of how to explain it. Its kind of your theme.

Theme? Kurt repeated, leaning in slightly. As in theme song?

No, no just the general theme of your relationship with Sebastian.

When Kurt continued to look confused, Blaine laid his palms flat on the tabletop and said, You
two had a bit of a rocky relationship. Wait, no. Thats an understatement. You had a very rocky
relationship. There was a lot of fighting, a lot of misunderstanding, basically a lot of discord
between you two. But at the same time, your relationship had a steady rhythm to it like, a push
and pull, give and take whatever you want to call it. Most relationships do, but with you and
Sebastian it was like the discord was what gave you that rhythm. You didnt grow closer to each
other by spilling out your secrets in candlelight or making really showy declarations of love and
well, there were one time, he said with a grin, staring at Kurt like he knew a really juicy piece of
gossip but wouldnt share. As far as I remember, the times you and Sebastian seemed to be the
closest were when you had those fights. Obviously I dont know details but from what you told me
and what Sebastian told me youd end up shouting out things that made you most vulnerable
and it all came together in bits and pieces until you realized that you two were far too gone to
back out. Am I making any sense?

Kurt nodded slowly, eyes fixed on the bracelet. There were so many things running through his
mind, not least of which was how intimately Blaine was acquainted with the two of them. What
struck him most though, was how even now, after the accident the moments he had first felt
connected to Sebastian had been the night right after the kiss when they had ended up fighting
and consequently talking things out.

My best man speech actually ended with heres to more years of discord and rhythm," Blaine
said with a small laugh, recapturing Kurts attention. Not exactly the wisest thing to say among
people who actually thought I was cursing you or something but there you have it.
__

When Kurt got home, Sebastian was sitting on the kitchen stool, tapping his pen against the side
of jaw as he read through a piece of paper in his hand. He looked up when the front door closed
behind Kurt, his face lighting up with a smile.

Look who made it back in one piece, he said, setting his pen down.

131

Worried I wouldnt? Kurt said as he made his way towards him.

Naah, Sebastian said even though the mornings conversation had clearly said otherwise.

Hows Burt?

Hes good, Kurt said walking placing the small paper bag of toiletries hed picked up for himself
on the counter among the plethora of files and papers. When did Jon leave?

About an hour ago, Sebastian said. Kurt nodded silently, looking around the kitchen at the
evidence of their take away Thai lunch. Whats wrong? Sebastian asked.

Nothing. Kurt said quickly. Why would you ask that?

You look like you have something on your mind. Sebastian reached out as if to wrap an arm
around Kurts waist but he pulled his hand back, settling for looking up at Kurt with a questioning
expression. Kurt stepped forward of his own accord, Sebastians thighs parting to make room for
him to stand between them. Whats up? Sebastian asked softly even though the surprise of
Kurts sudden closeness was evident on his face.

Nothing, Kurt said again. Im just thinking.

Well share with the class, Sebastian said and didnt hesitate to wrap an arm around Kurts waist
this time.

Do you ever get frustrated? Kurt asked.

All the time, Sebastian said with a small grin. But depends on what kind of frustration were
talking about here.

With me, Kurt said. With how I dont remember you or us or any of this, he gestured around
their apartment, Sebastians eyes following the movement of his hand.

What brought this on? Sebastian asked when his gaze returned to Kurts face. Last I saw you,
you were determined to take the big bad city by storm all on your own.

Just answer my question, Kurt said.

Sebastian sighed, looking like he would rather do anything other than answer truthfully but Kurt
was staring at him pointedly so he didnt exactly have a choice. Yes, he said with another sigh.
Yes I do get incredibly frustrated when I say something and you dont remember your queues to
tease back. It throws me off every time. I get frustrated when I reach for you in my sleep and
youre not there and when I want to kiss you but I cant because youre not ready and Im not
saying you should be, its just I miss my Kurt sometimes.

Kurts face must have reflected the way his heart had sunk because Sebastian next words came
out in a sudden rush. No, no, no Kurt, I didnt mean oh god, youre my Kurt, of course youre
my Kurt! Youre just different, thats all and thats frustrating at times. I didn't mean it in any other
way.

I know, Kurt said, reaching up to run a hand through Sebastians ruffled hair. Its okay.
132

Sebastians eyes slid shut and the tension drained from his shoulders as he relaxed.

Your turn, Sebastian said when he opened his eyes again. What the fuck brought this on?

I ran into Blaine today, Kurt said slowly, not meeting Sebastians eyes but following his fingers
as they continued to thread through Sebastians hair. He didnt want to lie but telling Sebastian
why he had called Blaine would mean talking about the bracelet and he wanted to keep that a
secret for now. It was a chance encounter but we talked a bit and he said some things about us.

What things? Sebastian asked with an air of forced causality.

Kurt dropped his gaze to Sebastians eyes, hand pausing in his hair. Just stuff I wish I
remembered, Kurt said quietly. I mean, Ive been trying to recall anything, even if its just
fragments but for the first time I actually really, really want to remember all of it. It sounds I dont
know to explain it but after everything Blaine said and these past two weeks with you I -
Sebastians expression softened, his smile turning sympathetic and arm tightening around Kurts
waist. Im starting to get a little impatient, Kurt continued. This relationship is obviously a huge
part of who I am and its really frustrating only having second hand information. I feel like Im
missing a really crucial part of myself and that everyone except me knows about it.

Thats not completely true, Sebastian teased, trying to coax a smile out of Kurt. We still have
moments no one knows about.

Kurt gave in and let his lips turn up into a smile. I guess.

And well keep having those moments, Sebastian stood up, Kurts hand falling away from his
hair at the movement. For a second, he looked like he might bend down and kiss Kurt; his eyes
flickered to Kurts lips and lingered there for longer than was casual but when he met Kurts gaze
again, all he did was say, Dont let it get to you, Kurt.

Im not, Kurt said.

No baby, you are. Sebastian said, touching his fingers to Kurt's cheek. Dont.

He left to shower and shave after that leaving Kurt to slip into his bedroom and seek out a hiding
place for his present. He ended up in the closet, flipping through jackets until he found one with
plenty of pockets both inside and out. He placed the box carefully in one of the inner pockets
before pushing the hanger further towards the back of the rack, effectively hiding it from view. He
wasnt worried that Sebastian would actively prowl around for presents, but he didnt want to risk
him finding it even by accident.

By the time Sebastian came out of his shower, Kurt was finishing up with dinner. Grilled cheese
and tomato sandwiches, he said when Sebastian stopped in his tracks and sniffed with interest.
Theres some leftover chicken parmigiana in the fridge if you want something else.

No, this is completely fine, Sebastian said, picking up a sandwich from the plate beside the
stove. He took a large bite and proceeded to make a very inappropriate noise deep in his throat.
His expression turned defensive when he caught Kurt staring at him with an arched eyebrow.
Stop judging me, asshole. he said. Jon eats like an animal, he hogged all the fucking food and
work makes me hungry.

133

Kurt grinned, Help yourself, but try and hold back on the pornographic moans. Any more and I
might start to think you have some sort of weird food fetish.

But I do, Sebastian said taking a step forward. Whipped cream, ice cream, chocolate syrup and
strawberries...

Kurt refused to blush or look away from Sebastians teasing grin. He stared back, expression
pointedly unamused until he couldnt hold back his grin any longer and turned away, laughing.
You are not as funny as you think you are.

Your face says otherwise, Sebastian says taking another bite of his sandwich before giving him
a wink and moving back to the island. Fuck, man. Ive still got to read up on this shit before
Monday.

You have all of tomorrow, Kurt said, moving to get a soda from the fridge. Give it a rest.

Grab a beer for me, please. Sebastian said, picking up the pen hed been using previously and
capping it. And no, I cant leave it for tomorrow because tomorrow I have plans.

What plans? Kurt asked, passing the bottle over to Sebastian and popping open his own can of
Coke.

I want to take you on another date, Sebastian said. Once I start work again, things are going to
be way too crazy and I want to spend one last day with you.

You make it sound like youre leaving forever, Kurt said as he took a sip of his drink. Is this date
going to be a day long event?

No, Sebastian said. My mom wants to meet up for brunch before and I thought I could take you
wherever I wanted to take you after that.

Your mom, Kurt said, straightening up. Sebastian nodded, stuffing the last bite of his sandwich
into his mouth and stacking his files one on top of the other. Your mom, Kurt repeated. You
know, I was wondering when youd mention your parents. Not that Ive taken it to heart or
anything but dont they want to talk to their son in law after his near fatal accident?

She did, Sebastian said. But I didnt let her. I figured dealing with me was enough, you didnt
need your mother in law bugging you on top of that. Besides, Maman was in Paris sorting out
some bumps in property investments when your accident happened and she only got back this
Thursday.

And your dad?

Sebastian paused, the file in his hand inches from the top of the pile. Kurt sensed he had hit a
sore spot and immediately moved to backtrack but Sebastian seemed to pull himself together and
said, He uh he died last year.

Im Im so sorry, Kurt said. Were you two close?

The way Sebastian looked at him, with a mixture of disappointment and sadness made Kurt feel
like hed said something wrong but he couldnt figure out what it was. Hed only asked a simple
134

question.

Yes, Sebastian said after a moment. Very close. He was my idol. You liked him too.

So that was what hed done not remembered the man who had meant so much to his husband.
This was probably the kind of moment Sebastian had been referring to when hed said he missed
his Kurt. There wasnt much Kurt could do to soothe the hurt though, so he reached out and laid
his hand over Sebastians, giving it a squeeze in a silent gesture of condolence which Sebastian
accepted with a small smile before he looked up, all traces of sadness gone.

Im taking that as a yes, then?

Yeah sure, Kurt said with a smile. Id like to meet your mom.

Kurt was in the bathroom going through his newly adapted night time skincare routine later that
night when Sebastian appeared in the doorway looking distressed.

Have you seen my RIP file? he asked, ignoring how Kurts face was plastered with thick white
paste.

Its probably resting in peace.

Kurt, Im serious.

Whats your RIP file?"

Really Important Papers file, Sebastian said. Kurts mouth quirked up into a grin. I dont
remember where I put it and I really, really need it right now.

Shouldnt you have all your important papers on your computer or something in this age of
technology? Kurt teased.

Some things will always require old fashioned paper work. Sebastian said. Now quit messing
around and tell me if youve seen it or not.

Describe it.

Its uh its dark purple with a black stripe down the side.

Kurt shook his head and turned back to the mirror. No, I dont think Ive seen a purple one. There
was a thin one with a bluish-purple tint to it on the bedroom bookshelf though.

No, Sebastian said. This is solid purple. God, where the hell did it disappear? he let his
forehead thunk against the doorframe before straightening up and catching Kurts eye in the
mirror. You look like an idiot, just by the way, he said before disappearing once again.

I do not, Kurt muttered, turning his eyes back to his reflection.

Sebastian still looked frustrated when Kurt went back out. He was leaning against the fridge,
taking long sips of his beer as he glared around the apartment.

135

Didnt find it? Kurt asked.

He shook his head. Fucking file.

Kurt spared him an amused smile but didnt tease him any further. Their playlist was set to
a familiar song even though Kurt couldnt place the lyrics, he vaguely recognized the mystical
quality of the vocals.

It may have been a result of the song or maybe it was just because he was still thinking of the
stupid file but before he sat down on the couch, Kurt lifted the cushions and peered underneath,
not knowing what he was expecting but when he saw the corner of a deep purple file sticking out,
his breath caught in his throat. He pulled it out with slightly trembling hands, not quite believing
his eyes. There was no question if this was the right file or not, it had the black stripe down its
side, some papers peeking out of the corners, edges crumpled under the weight of the countless
bodies that had sat on it over the past weeks.

The music was suddenly too loud, the chorus rising and pounding in every corner of his skull.
Kurt could feel something pushing to get through to him, explain how he had known to check
under the couch.

Come on Sebastian, youve been working since last night -

- cant, baby. You understand, you didnt move for ages when you were -

Let me help you with all that stress -

Kurt -

Later. The boring papers arent going anywhere -

What are you doing, youll crumple them -

Ssshh -

Fuck Kur-mmmph.

Kurt stared at the file, his breaths coming a little faster. It felt like he was sinking in quicksand and
clutching at the memories desperately to survive. The music continued to echo around the
apartment and when Kurt lifted his eyes to the couch again he could almost see the way he had
pressed Sebastian onto his back and shoved the file hastily under the cushions.

What are you doing on your knees? Sebastian asked, coming up behind him. His eyes fell on
the file in his hand and widened. Oh fuck, you found it!

Kurt stood up, holding it out for Sebastian. It was under the cushions.

What the hell was it doing there? Sebastian said with a frown as he regarded the crumpled
edges of the paper.

I put it there while trying to distract you, Kurt said, his voice slightly raspy.

136

"Oh right," Sebastian said as continued to flick through the papers. "I told you you'd crumple the -"
his head snapped up suddenly as if hed just realized what Kurt had said. Wait, did you do you
-

Kurt knew he was trying to say do you remember? but the shock on his face was clearing
hindering his ability to form words so Kurt settled for answering him with a nod and a slow
spreading grin.

There was a suspended moment of silence before Sebastian threw the file onto the couch. Holy
shit," he said and closed the distance between them, pulling Kurt against his chest in a bone
crushing hug. Kurt laughed into his shoulder, palm pressed against Sebastians thudding heart
it was racing faster than Kurts own.

I how? Sebastian asked when he pulled back. Did something trigger it or -

That song, Kurt said. It was playing while when we were - he paused, tripping over the
words having sex before he realized that there was no point hiding them from Sebastian. It wasnt
like this was a fantasy he wanted to keep a secret. Sebastian had been a willing participant in the
activities, even without Kurt telling him, hed know exactly what had happened so he shook his
head imperceptibly and said, while we were having sex and I guess the music and the sight of
the couch kind of put two and two together in my brain.

Sebastian was staring at him, eyes flickering over every inch of his face and excitement
thrumming through his body. Kurt, he said in an almost whisper, reaching up to cup Kurts face
with both his hands. Kurt,

It might have been that they both moved together or that one of them made the first move and the
other followed however it happened, the next second Kurt found his lips pressed against
Sebastians, their mouths slick from the beer Sebastian had been drinking and the chapstick Kurt
had applied. The hands on his face pulled him in closer as their lips met again and again. Kurt
fisted his fingers in Sebastians shirt as his lips parted under the soft lick of Sebastians tongue.
The warmth of it in Kurts mouth made his head spin a little with the familiarity of it all but he only
got two glorious strokes of it against his own before Sebastian was pulling back and bundling him
into another hug, clutching fistfuls of his t-shirt as he pulled him closer, still.

First you remember us fighting and now you remember us having sex, he said in between small
laughs. You dont do things halfway do you?

Kurt pulled his arm free from where it was trapped between their bodies and wrapped it around
Sebastians back. The familiar scent of his body wash hit him strongly when Kurt turned his face
into Sebastians neck and smiled against his skin.

Apparently not.

137

Part 31
Meeting your partners parents for the first time was simply put - nerve wracking.

Kurt remembered the night he had been introduced to Blaines family as The Boyfriend shortly
after Regionals. Hed been nauseous throughout the hours leading up to the meeting despite the
fact that it wasnt the first time he was going to meet the Andersons. Hed met Blaines parents
countless times while he and Blaine had been hanging out after school before theyd started
dating. That particular night, however had led to a drastic shift in the mood between the four of
them. It hadnt been unwelcoming or unpleasant by any means but Kurt had definitely felt
awkward, like he was under the critical observation of both Mr. and Mrs. Anderson, giving a test
he didnt know the criteria to pass.

Looking back now, Kurt decided he would gladly go through a hundred similarly awkward dinners
rather than face the prospect of brunch with Nicole Smythe. At least with the Andersons, they had
been on the same page. Todays meeting promised nothing but an unfair distribution of
knowledge. Nicole and Sebastian would have years of knowing Kurt under their belts. Kurt, on the
other hand, didnt have the faintest clue how to act around his mother-in-law.

Mother-in-law

There was no other way to think of it. He couldnt think of her as Mrs. Smythe or Nicole or
anything except his mother-in-law.

He had tried and failed to convince himself it would just be like meeting the Andersons hed
dress his best, be his charming, well behaved self and assure them of how much he liked their
son but no matter how hard he tried, he just couldnt bring himself to accept that it would be as
easy. For one, he and Sebastian werent just boyfriends, they were they were a whole mess of
complications. For another, this was a woman he was seeing for the first time had probably
already seen Kurt in parent pleasing mode more than once. Maybe they had long since moved
past all the formalities and started to act more like a permanent family as opposed to temporary
guests in each others lives.

Oh god, what if Nicole knew some horribly embarrassing things about him? What if she and Burt
had drunkenly exchanged baby stories about their kids and she knew all about the time Kurt had
smeared his mothers lipstick on his eyelids in place of eye shadow? Or the time when hed wet
his pants on the way back from a scary Halloween movie special in third grade? What if she had
seen Kurt drunk? Kurt didnt even remember the last time hed touched alcohol, what he was like
when he was drunk? From what he remembered, when he wasnt feeling sick to his stomach,
being intoxicated made him horny. So, sohorny.

Shit.

Okay, Kurt whispered to the racks of clothes staring back at him from inside his closet. Calm
down. Stop overthinking.

Sorting through the selection of shirts calmed him for a bit but barely a few minutes later he was
right back to where hed started.

Perhaps if he had a bit more of a grasp on his memories, he would feel confident enough to play
along as if everything were normal like he had with Paulo but the only things Kurt remembered
138

were his accident, fighting with Sebastian and having sex with Sebastian - and okay, no. That last
train of thought was not doing him any good right now.

Hed replayed the memory of shoving Sebastians RIP file under the cushions over and over
again in his head just to feel the rush of relief at being able to remember something. But things
had progressed to awkward really fast when every ounce of force Kurt put into remembering
more only served to clarify the exact details of the sounds Sebastian had made when Kurt had
slowly peeled off his clothes or how Kurt had been able to take all of Sebastian into his mouth
something that had distracted him from his discomfort because wow, he hadnt been aware he
could do that - he and Blaine had still been new to sex, still in the process of testing things out
one by one...

Stop it, he said, the words echoing around the silence of his room. His train of thought cut off
abruptly at his admonishment, leaving Kurts mind blissfully blank for a few seconds until once
again, the nervousness overtook him. Kurt didnt succumb to it this time but squared his
shoulders and focused more intently on the clothes at hand. There was no way out of this
meeting even though he had half a mind to feign sickness and force Sebastian to cancel. His
accident had given him plenty of difficult situations to deal with, a simple meeting with someone
who was supposed to be part of his family was definitely something Kurt could handle.

When he walked out into the lounge half an hour later, Sebastian was talking to someone on his
phone, his jaw set tight. Yeah, whatever. he said, eyes flickering up to see Kurt. His expression
didnt soften as he swept his gaze over Kurts attire; he seemed too preoccupied with the person
on the other end. Just be there, okay?

Who was that? Kurt asked when Sebastian cut the call and slipped the phone into his jeans
pocket.

Blaine, Sebastian said flatly. Maman asked me to invite him and we're going to have to pick
Burt up on the way too.

Well thats good - right?

Sure, Sebastian said but his voice was clipped.

That doesnt sound very convincing.

Well Im sorry, Sebastian snapped. But its not like my opinion makes a difference here.

You dont want Blaine to come?

Oh Id love if Blaine came, Sebastian said, voice dripping with sarcasm as he headed towards
the bedroom. Im sure you would to.

Kurt frowned, following him. Whats up with you?

Nothing, Sebastian said, pulling off his wrinkled white t-shirt and throwing it aside. It landed
haphazardly around a pair of summer sandals near the bookshelf. Kurts frown deepened, he
didnt even get the chance to appreciate how Sebastian was now walking around the room
completely shirtless because he was too annoyed to take notice.

139

Is this about yesterday? Kurt asked.

There was a scoff from inside the closet but no reply.

Kurt sighed and turned around, picking up Sebastians shirt from the floor and folding it over the
loveseat near the window. He had an inkling Sebastians attitude wasnt just because of Blaine.
Sebastian had been snippy ever since last night when hed realized that they were still supposed
to sleep in separate bedrooms.

Their kiss had been something that had happened in the heat of the moment Kurt had felt too
overwhelmed with emotions at the time to think clearly and he didnt regret it, per say, he just
wished Sebastian would understand that he needed a little time to straighten things out and
ending up curled around each other in bed wasnt going to help.

For all the patience Sebastian had shown so far, Kurt could see how his desperation to get old
Kurt back one hundred percent was starting to seep through his cool exterior. He couldnt blame
him for wanting his husband back, but he also couldnt stand around and deal with Sebastian
acting like a petulant child and putting words in his mouth.

He moved to back out of the room, wait in the lounge until Sebastian calmed down and was ready
to leave when Sebastian walked out of the closet wearing a slim fit blue shirt and a fresh pair of
dark jeans. His eyes were looking everywhere except at Kurt but when they fell on the floor next
to bed, he froze. Kurt followed his gaze to see what he was looking at but Sebastian moved in
front of him, blocking his view.

What? Kurt asked as Sebastian bent down to pick something up from the ground.

Sebastian turned around, his expression hard. Whats this doing on the floor?

Kurts stomach lurched at the sight of his wedding band held precociously between Sebastians
thumb and forefinger. He mustve accidentally dropped it while taking out his wallet and watch
from the drawer earlier. I - he started but Sebastian cut him off.

I know you dont care about this marriage but you can at least have the decency to respect how
much these rings cost and not go around throwing them all over the place.

You think I threw that on purpose? Kurt asked, his voice rising.

Whats it doing on the floor then?

It was an accident.

Sebastian scoffed and turned his back to Kurt. Sure, he said in the same clipped tone hed used
a while ago.

Kurt was seconds away from stepping forward and slapping him but he curled his hands into fists
and took a deep breath. Whatever is going on inside you head, stop taking it out on me.

Oh thats rich, coming from you. Sebastian said, dropping the ring into the drawer and nudging it
shut with his hip. He stormed past Kurt without looking at him and this time, Kurt didnt attempt to
calm himself down before he stalked after him.
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What is that supposed to mean?

It means Ive been taking your shit for days without a word and the second I have a problem, I
have to shut up because your delicate little head cant take it.

What is your problem?!

My problem is that you cant seem to make up your mind on what you want from me here. One
second youre crying into my shoulder, then youre kissing me and suddenly youre pushing me
away when I try to sleep with you. Sleep, Kurt. All I wanted was to sleep in the same bed as my
husband and you cranked up a story about how you werent ready for that yet. Jesus Christ, it
wasnt like I was trying to fucking rape you!

Kurt stared at him speechlessly. All the retorts he'd had in his head a second ago had vanished
into thin air, leaving anger, hurt and humiliation swirling inside him in their wake. Sebastian was
breathing heavily in front of him, no trace of guilt on his face and when Kurt didnt say anything for
a few long seconds, he muttered, Forget it and turned away again.

He should have said something, Kurt knew he should have said something. Shouted at
Sebastian, acted on his desire to slap him but he stood rooted to the spot even as the loud echo
of one of their cell phones ringing broke through the silence like a sharp knife.

Of all the times he had turned to Sebastian for help, never had he felt so conscious about it.
There had always been gentleness to Sebastians touch, patience and an underlying promise that
he would stick with Kurt for however long it took for him to get used to things, that it was okay if
he wanted to lean on Sebastian for support. Now he made it sound like it was something hed
only been putting up with, not an action that held any traces of genuine care.

This side of Sebastian, the side that had the power to hurt Kurt so viciously with just words was
something Kurt had almost forgotten about. Maybe its what made everything hurt so much more
because the boy he had started to trust so completely had turned on him and thrown all his
vulnerabilities in his face like they were problems Kurt was creating on purpose.

What? Sebastian snarled in lieu of a greeting when he answered his phone but his tone
immediately softened. Yes, Maman were on our way.

Kurt didnt hear the rest of the conversation but when Sebastian looked to him and said, Lets go
he shook his head.

No.

No?

Im not going.

What the fuck do you mean youre not going?

I mean you can go to this stupid brunch on your own while I stay home and nurse my delicate
head.

141

Sebastian glared at him. Dont be like this. Not now.

I can save it for later, if youd like. Its not like my condition is going to magically change in a few
hours.

Look, whatever your issues are -

My issues?! Kurt was shouting now but he didnt care. Yes, Sebastian theyre my
issues because Im the one who got his head smashed in an accident or have you forgotten that
little fact?

Youre not the only one dealing with the repruccussions of -

No, but I think struggling to rediscover yourself with a ten year memory lapse is a tiny bit harder
than not getting laid for a month.

Sebastians face twisted into another scowl at that. This isnt about sex! he yelled. He was about
to add something else but the phone rang in his hand again and he huffed in frustration, glancing
down at the caller ID. Its Burt, he said. Here. Explain your change of mind. Ill just go tell
Maman to chuck all the food in the dumpsters, then.

He tossed the phone to Kurt, who by some miracle managed to react fast enough to catch it in his
hand.

Hello? Kurt said, his voice raspy from shouting.

Hey, kiddo. How long are you and Sebastian gonna take? Ive been ready for ages.

Were - Kurt looked at Sebastian who was no longer staring at Kurt but leaning by the window,
palm pressed flat to his glass. We got caught up with something. He said quickly. Burts voice
was too cheerful, Kurt didnt have the energy to tell him what was really happening. Were just
about to leave.

Give me a call when you get here, Ill come out.

Okay, Kurt said, forcing some expression into his voice. See you soon, dad.

Oh so were going now? Sebastian said when Kurt started towards the door without a word.

I didnt want to ruin his good mood.

So when it comes to your parents, we have to do everything to ensure theyre fine and dandy but
a second ago you were perfectly content with ruining my mothers good mood.

Kurt rounded on him the second the elevator doors slid shut. If were doing this, then this bitch
act needs to stop right now. Im meeting your mother for the first time and Im not going to let you
ruin things by acting like an asshole so just dont talk to me at all.

Fine.

Fine.
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The car ride to Burts hotel was silent but filled with tension. It cackled around them, almost a
visible presence. Burt felt it immediately because the second he slid into the backseat, he
frowned and asked, Everything okay?

Yeah, Kurt said, turning to look at his dad between the front seats and plastering what he hoped
was a convincing smile on his face. How are you doing?

Im great, Burt said. Hungry as hell. Havent touched a thing since Nic called this morning.

Kurt gave him another smile before turning back to the front. His anger at Sebastian had
dissipated, replaced by the nerves from before and he spent the rest of the drive fidgeting with his
hands and staring out the window. He caught Sebastian glancing at him a few times but neither of
them said anything until they pulled up in front of a low rise apartment some twenty minutes later.

You look like youre walking to your death, Sebastian whispered, walking round the car just as
Kurt got out of the passenger seat. You werent even this nervous when you gave her a job
interview.

What? Kurt said, tearing his gaze away from the building to look at Sebastian.

Nothing, Sebastian said but the look on his face gave away that it was definitely not nothing.

Job interview? Kurt pressed as they climbed the steps to the front door. Why would I give your
mother a job interview? Burt rang the doorbell while Sebastian continued to ignore Kurt, hands
shoved into his pocket. Sebastian, answer my -

The front door opened, interrupting Kurts demand and drawing his eyes to the woman framed in
the doorway. She was stunning. Kurt took a moment to just stare at her while she greeted the two
men in front of him.

Her dark hair was twisted up into an elegant bun at the top of her head, only a short fringe left
free to brush the top of her eyebrows. Her face was fresh, highlighted by the faintest brush of
eyeliner and lipstick and when she smiled, there were dimples on either side of her cheek exactly
the kind that Sebastian would get. The resemblance between mother and son was actually
startling. The only noticeable difference was how Nicoles eyes were a shade darker than
Sebastians but they still glowed with warmth as she beamed up at her son.

It was when Kurt looked at the deep blue frock she wearing, belted around her middle and paired
with a simple pearl necklace that everything suddenly clicked in his head.

Nicole S. - the employer listed on his Facebook was Nicole Smythe.

The knowledge that this woman owned a designer label to her name and that Kurt worked for her
hit him like a ton of bricks, stunning him into silence for the second time that morning until she
stepped forward to hug him and Kurt blurted out, Youre my boss.

It was worse than any first introduction he had imagined. Burt chuckled behind her back,
Sebastian just stared at him with a blank expression but Nicole smiled, albeit looking a bit
confused as she shook her head and cupped his face tenderly.

143

No, honey. She said with the faintest hint of a French accent. Not today. Im just Nicole for
now. Kurt nodded jerkily, cheeks flaming with heat but when Nicole pulled him into a hug, he felt
the embarrassment melt away in favor of a flash of nostalgia. She cradled his head, squeezing
him close and her perfume smelled almost as comforting as Sebastians body wash. Oh honey,
she said softly. I have missed you so much.

Kurt didnt know how to respond. He couldnt exactly say I missed you too, when this was his first
meeting with her. When they pulled away, Nicoles eyes were glazed with tears but she gave a
small laugh and wiped delicately at the corner of her eye with a knuckle.

Sorry, she said. Its just that Ive been thinking about you every day since the accident and
Sebastian wouldnt let me speak to you and now youre here... she trailed off, taking a deep
breath and giving Kurt a watery smile. How are you? she asked in a voice that was filled with
nothing but honest concern.

Im good, Kurt said with a smile. The Carole-like motherly affection that was emanating from this
woman put him at ease. I dont know if Sebastians told you but Ive started remembering a few
things here and there. He was hoping he wouldnt be pushed into giving details but at least this
was better than saying Im frustrated because I just remembered that your son is a dick and he
hurt me more than I want to let him see.

No, as a matter of fact he hasn't said anything, Nicole said, giving Sebastian a disapproving
look over her shoulder before stepping aside. Come in, well be more comfortable when were
not standing in the entryway.

Sebastian refused to make eye contact with him as they walked down the hall but Kurt couldnt
have cared less about him in the moment. He was suddenly self conscious of his choice of
clothing for today. He was wearing a double collar cuff dress shirt with a gray vest, a simple yet
tasteful outfit but the sudden awareness of the fact that this woman leading him into her drawing
room was probably a critical appreciator of fashion made his outfit feel boring.

The drawing room was connected to a dining room where a large table was already half laid out.
A woman in a maids uniform was setting down a pitcher of juice next to some crystal cut glasses
when they walked in. Nicole introduced her as Moira.

I wasnt able to put together everything for todays brunch on my own, Moiras helped a great
deal.

Always a pleasure, Madame.

Nicole touched her arm and gave her a fond smile. Dont bring out anything else until Blaine gets
here. Sebastian, call and ask him where he is will you?

Ill do it. Kurt said quickly. He caught the way Sebastians jaw tightened at that but he really
wanted an excuse to escape for a few moments and this was the perfect getaway. He took a
minute to clear his head once he was in the hallway away, digest the sudden information about
his dual relationship with Nicole before he pulled out his phone and dialed Blaines number.

Blaine answered on the third ring, already rambling, Im almost there. Im almost there, Im
almost there!

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Kurt smiled, Hurry up. Were waiting for you.

Blaines arrival seemed to simultaneously lighten the mood and make it tenser, if that was even
possible. Burt and Nicole looked happy to see him but Sebastian barely gave him a nod of
acknowledgment as he sat down. He wasnt talking to anyone, choosing instead to stare at the
arm of his chair, bouncing his fist off the twisted handle as if it was the most fascinating thing
ever. Blaine cast Kurt a questioning look but Kurt shook his head and turned to Nicole, trying his
hardest to ignore Sebastians presence altogether.

Nicole was easy to talk to, once Kurt stopped letting his inhibitions get the best of him. In the end,
it didnt seem to matter whether she was his mother in law or employer or a random woman on
the street. There was a sense of comfort Kurt got from being around her that dispelled any
awkwardness he had been anticipating. She asked him about the flashbacks he had and Kurt told
her as briefly as he could about remembering a few interactions with Sebastian and the accident
itself. When she asked if Sebastian was taking good care of him (Not that you cant take
perfectly good care of yourself, honey but still...) Kurt forced a smile and said, Yes.

From the corner of his eye he could see how Sebastian scowled down at his fist.

Nicole noticed her sons mood eventually but when she asked him if everything was okay,
Sebastian stood up and said he was going to go get some muffins because he was hungry.
Blaine got up to follow him, probably looking for the chance to catch him alone but Burt said he
was starving too and headed over to the table without a seconds notice leaving Nicole and Kurt
sitting in the drawing room. Kurt was almost embarrassed at his dads behavior but when he
realized his lack of formality wasnt because of ignored manners but because a sense of
familiarity with Nicole, he felt a warmth bloom in his stomach.

That was until he joined him in the dining room to see Sebastian glaring at him from the corner.
Kurt did his best to ignore him once again and if he took a seat beside Blaine just to spite him, he
didnt think twice about it. After everything Sebastian had said to him this morning, Kurt would
annoy him as much as he wanted, thank you very much.

So, Kurt. What are your plans now? Nicole asked as they started to eat. I dont mean to frighten
you into thinking Ill fire you, but how do you plan on coming back to work?

I havent really thought of it. Kurt said. My doctors told me not to stress myself too much but I
dont think sitting around the apartment all day is going to do much for me either especially since
Sebastian starts work again tomorrow.

Next to him, Blaine leaned towards Sebastian who was sitting across from him and asked, Are
you still working on the Trinity case?

Sebastian ignored him and continued to smash his fork into his strata. Not missing this, Nicole
leaned over and laid a hand over his. You havent touched your food, sweetie.

Im not really hungry. Sebastian said. He looked up, eyes finding Kurts and staring at him with
an unreadable expression.

Sweetheart is everything okay? You look -

Sebastian stood up so fast he knocked over his glass of grapefruit juice, sending it spilling onto
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Burts plate and dribbling down onto his slacks. Stop fucking asking me if everything is okay! Its
not, alright? You know its not and he knows it not! he nodded towards Kurt who was staring at
Sebastian with just as much shock as the rest of them. Fuck this, just fuck it. Fuck everything!
Sebastian threw his hands up and left the dining room in a rush, almost sending Moira tumbling
over her feet on his way.

Silence hung heavy in the room after him, Kurt staring at his plate with clenched teeth and Nicole
shaking her head slowly as if refusing to believe her son had just swore at her face. He hasnt
snapped like that since his father passed away, she said in a shaky voice. "Even with the
accident he'd been so collected..." she trailed off, shaking her head again.

I felt something was up with him in the car, Burt said and Kurt could feel everyones gaze on him
now. Whats going on?

Kurt didnt like the fact that everything was coming out into the open like this. This wasnt how the
brunch was supposed to go. Sebastian couldnt just storm out and leave him to deal with their
families questions.

We had a disagreement, he said as steadily as he could, still avoiding making eye contact with
anyone. Hes just making a big deal out of it.

It was far, far from the truth. He wanted to shout everything he had been feeling ever since their
fight but he figured there was enough tension in the air as it was. Nicole stood up, setting her
napkin down beside her plate. Im going to go check on him.

After she left, Kurt let his shoulders slump and dropped his head into his hands.

Kurt? his dad asked in a softer voice.

Not right now, dad. Please.

Is this about me? Blaine asked quietly from beside him. I knew it. I shouldnt have come but
Sebastian -

No, its not about you. Kurt said, shaking his head. I really dont want to talk about this. Its kind
of private.

Burt pressed his lips together and nodded but Blaine stood up. Im gonna go, he said. Tell
Nicole Im sorry but the food was lovely.

No! Kurt said, grabbing his hand and pulling him back down. No one else is leaving me to deal
with their mess. Theres enough as it is. Im going to go find them and well well sort this out.

He stood up, his legs feeling unsteady but he managed to not stumble as he made his way out of
the room. His feet seemed to lead him up the stairs of their own accord and when Kurt got close
enough to the door at the far end of the hall, he managed to make out the sound of Sebastians
voice, shaking with emotion as he talked.

horrible, Maman. You dont know what I said to him - you dont you werent there.

Sssshhh, my child.
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If I keep messing up like this hes not going to stick around. Not like before.

Kurt froze outside the door, blocked from the view of the mother and son standing near the
window but he could still make out how Nicole had her arms around Sebastian and was stroking
a hand up and down his back.

He doesnt even remember Dad. It was said in a pained whisper, as if of all the things Kurt didnt
remember, this was the most painful for him.

Tears were sliding down Kurts cheeks and he didnt realize this until he blinked and his
eyelashes came up with drops clinging to the edges. He felt angry at himself for crying, he
shouldnt be not after that morning, not after how Sebastian had yelled at him. But he couldnt
stop the feeble ache in his chest at the utter pain in Sebastians voice.

I want him back, Sebastian said, his voice hoarse. I want him back, Maman.

He cant be gone, Kurt. He cant. Its too soon. People dont die like this. Its not fair. Its not
fucking fair.

Kurt cradles Sebastians head against his chest and strokes a hand through his messy hair.
Theres nothing he can say right now that is going to make Sebastian feel better so he does the
only thing he can and holds him close, lets him feel the proof of Kurts beating heart in a silent
promise of Im still here. You still have me.

I want him back, is the angry whisper that finally breaks the silence. They cant take him from
me I want him back! the last part is almost a roar, ripping through the quiet apartment and it
takes both of Kurts hands to hold Sebastian down and keep him from standing up. Sebastian
loses the fight in him within seconds and slumps right back against Kurts chest, wrapping his
arms around his middle like a child clinging on for dear life.

Kurts quiet once again, doing nothing but holding his husband close while he cries. Once his
sobs die down and the grip on Kurts shirt relaxes a little, Kurt leans down and kisses Sebastians
forehead, bringing one had to rest on the side of his face, thumb stroking along his temple.

I love you, he says and he knows that it means so much more than all of the Im sorry for your
losss that Sebastians had to endure all day long because Sebastain doesnt say 'I love you too',
he doesnt need to.

What he does is lean in further in the circle of Kurts arms and take a shaky breath, breathing a
thank you somewhere in between.

Thank you for being here. Thank you for loving me.

Kurt had to lean on the wall for support after how suddenly the memory hit him. It fizzled out into
fragments of him stripping Sebastian down to his underwear and crawling under the covers with
him, waking up some point in the night to Sebastian sobbing beside him only to pull him against
his chest again -

It took a few seconds for his head to stop throbbing but when he finally felt steady enough, he
straightened up and pushed open the door and walked into the bedroom. Sebastian and Nicole
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looked up, no longer embracing now. Kurt had his gaze trained on Sebastian's face but when
Nicole stepped forward, he looked at her and asked, Can I have a few minutes alone with him,
please?

Nicole gave a curt nod and slipped quietly from the room, shutting the door behind her. Sebastian
was staring at Kurt, all the hardness from before drained from his face. His eyes were rimmed red
and his lips were wet from had he just licked his tears? Something told Kurt he had.

For a moment, neither of them said anything until they both spoke at the same time.

Kurt I -

Look, its not -

They stopped mid sentence until Sebastian said, Ill go first. Kurt stepped closer and nodded for
him to continue. Im so fucking sorry, Sebastian said in a rush of breath. For everything I said
this morning, for how Ive been acting. I wasnt thinking straight and you have every right to be
mad. I cant believe half the things I said. It was just - Blaine and you and after we kissed last
night, I expected things to go back to normal but I know thats not how it works but -

Im not pushing you away, Kurt said, cutting him off. He reached out to take Sebastians hand in
his. I promise. Its just - he hesitated, staring at Sebastian as he tried to think of how to explain
everything. My emotions are all over the place after a flashback and Im scared if I give in to
them and do something too much, too soon itll make everything worse. That this - he
squeezed Sebastians hand, bringing it up to hold it against his heart. wont be sincere but just
something Im doing blindly. I told you I can feel how important this relationship is to me, I want to
make sure Im not going to mess it up.

Sebastian leaned down to press their foreheads together. Im so fucking sorry, Kurt. he
whispered.

Kurt smiled, I would have said some equally nasty things had my tongue worked properly so I
guess were even?

Sebastian pulled his hand free of Kurts only to wrap it around him instead, drawing Kurt against
his body. His fingers slipped into Kurts hair as Kurt hooked his chin over his shoulder and the two
of them stood there, swaying on the spot to a silent tune for long, quiet minutes until Kurt said, I
remembered something just now.

About me?

Us. Kurt said, turning his head to press his cheek against the cotton of Sebastians shirt. I think
it was after your fathers funeral. We were in our bedroom, I was holding you.

Sebastian didnt say anything, Kurt knew he was thinking back to the painful memory and he
suddenly felt sorry for bringing it up. He brushed a kiss along Sebastians jaw before, sliding his
hands up to wrap around his neck and pull him even closer.

Thank you, he whispered and he knew from the way Sebastians grip tightened around him that
he knew everything the words implied.
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Thank you for being here. Thank you for loving me.
149


150

Part 32
When they re-entered the dining room, Burt, Blaine and Nicole were all in the middle of a hushed
conversation. Their voices cut off abruptly when Kurt and Sebastian walked in, three pairs of eyes
turning to look at them with burning curiosity as they took their seats opposite each other.

Dont pretend like the three of you werent just talking about us, Sebastian said as he picked up
his napkin and spread it on his lap. He turned to Burt, looking genuinely apologetic and a little
embarrassed. Im sorry about the juice.

Burt smiled at him. Dont worry about it, kid. These jeans arent anything fancy.

Have you worked things out? Nicole asked gently.

Sebastian glanced up at Kurt and gave him a small grin. Yeah, pretty much.

Good, she said and then proceeded to smack the back of Sebastians head with a folded
napkin. Sebastian looked scandalized and even though there was no possible way the blow could
have hurt, he raised his hand to rub gingerly at the back of his head.

Maman!

If I ever see you behaving like that at the table again, you will have hell to pay. Compris?

Sebastian nodded, looking every bit the scolded child. Kurt stifled a laugh behind his hand and
caught Burt and Blaine doing the same next to him. For a second, he felt bad because there were
few things more humiliating than getting told off by a parent in company and laughing would not
help matters but the scowl on Sebastians face didnt seem as angry or upset as it did annoyed.

Nicoles stern expression soon melted into a fond smile and she reached out to caress the spot
on Sebastians head where the napkin had hit him moments ago. My grumpy little baby, she
said in French. Sebastian rolled his eyes and reached for a crepe.

Kurt have you tried these cheese blitzes? Nicole asked. Theyre your favorite.

There was a renewed energy to the room when conversation started up again this time round.
Sebastian and Blaine were talking for one, discussing the infamous Trinity Case with Burt adding
his own thoughts in at random intervals and Nicole was telling Kurt stories about previous
brunches and dinners where someone or the other had managed to create some sort of havoc.

We like to keep things interesting around here. I cant tell you the number of times Christopher
would bring up a touchy topic just to get things heated. He loved getting a good debate going,
must have been the lawyer in him. Her smile was full of nostalgia - and when her gaze flickered
up to stare at the vacant chair at the other end of the table longing.

Kurt could tell Christopher Smythe had been a loved man but he didnt feel comfortable asking
more about him. After everything that had happened that morning, he felt hyperaware of how his
lack of knowledge about things hed previously known intimately could hurt others without his
knowing.

Nicole seemed to notice the way he shifted uncomfortably in his chair because she said, Its
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okay honey. I dont expect you to remember anything.

Kurt gave her a grateful smile. I remember bits and pieces, he said in between sips of cool
water. But mostly, its stuff about me and Sebastian, not so much everybody else.

Well Im not surprised, Nicole said with a smile that had just a little teasing edge to it. Its
always been about you and Sebastian, not so much everybody else.

Its probably because I spend more time with him, Kurt said quickly. And most of the memories
in our apartment are of us so -

Kurt, Nicole laid a hand over his, cutting him off. You dont have to justify yourself.

"I really wish I remembered more sometimes," he admitted. "It would make things a lot less
awkward."

"There's no need to feel awkward around me, honey. We're family."

Kurt felt an immense flood of warmth and gratitude for this woman. The conversation between
them flowed easily after that, ranging from memories to upcoming fashion trends to how Paris
looked at this time of year. By the time they moved from the table back to the sitting room, all five
of them were laughing and cutting each other off in order to talk first.

Nicole pressed a package of leftovers into Sebastian's hand when they started to leave. "Here
you are darling," she said, kissing his cheek. Judging by the way Sebastian accepted it without
protest and a simple 'thank you' made him think it was something she always did after brunches.
He wasn't complaining, it would be great to get back to the delicious cheddar apple bundles later
on.

Kurt caught Sebastian and Blaine talking off to the side while he said his own goodbye's and
thank you's to Nicole. The two boys seemed to be talking things through because in the end,
Blaine reached up and threw his arms around Sebastian in a tight hug in response to which
Sebastian laughed and said something in Blaine's ear. The sight made Kurt feel a sense of relief
because the last thing he wanted was for the little feud between Blaine and Sebastian to
continue.

"You two made up?" he asked as they bucked their seat belts in the car a few minutes later.

"Figured it was time," Sebastian said with a grin.
_

They went back to the apartment after dropping Burt off to his hotel in order to put the food in the
fridge and freshen up before they left for their date.

Where are we going anyway? Kurt asked once Sebastian came out of the bathroom, his button
up swapped for a boring dark blue t-shirt. When he sat down next to Kurt and propped an elbow
on the back of the couch, the muscles popped out under his sleeve, the cotton hugging his skin in
the most delicious ways possible. Kurts eyes were drawn to the tight bulge and okay, not so
boring then. A rush of images and sounds came back to him, he recognized them as snippets of
the memory he had of the night hed blown Sebastian on this very couch. It made heat tug at him
somewhere low in his belly but he pulled himself together, focusing at the Sebastian who was
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currently sitting in front of him rather than the Sebastian who had been thrusting up into Kurts
mouth at his own insistence.

Hmm? he asked distractedly when he realized Sebastian was saying something.

You asked where were going - theres something we do after every time we have Sunday
brunch with Maman -

Were not having sex, Kurt said immediately.

Sebastian was silent for a single stunned second before he burst out laughing. Kurt felt his
cheeks grow a little warm in a way that had nothing to do with the vivid memory from before but
Sebastian was stretching out the arm he had resting on the back of the couch to wrap a hand
around the back of Kurts neck and stroke softly there. Well thats a shame, he said. But sex
usually isnt on the agenda until later. Theres something else we do first.

What?

Sebastian shook his head. Guess.

Kurt frowned. How am I supposed to know?

Because its something we do a lot and your memory has been good lately. Just give it a push.
Try.

Kurt had no clue where to start. Give me something to go on at least.

Its under open air.

Thats not helpful at all.

Well its all youre getting. Kurt, come on. Sebastian looked serious as he shifted closer, curving
a leg up so his knee rested over Kurts thigh. Give it a shot. Its something we do after ever
brunch, under open air and heres something else we say its so we can burn off the calories
weve consumed but mostly we just like the time it gives us to be together and talk without the
interruption of a movie or the urge to fuck conversation and just - well, fuck.

The only thing that came to Kurts mind was a tree which at the moment, seemed bizarre but then
it hit him as gently as a passing breeze, so unlike the sudden jolts of memory hed been
experiencing lately.

Central park, he said, heart skipping a beat when Sebastians face lit up. We take a walk in
Central Park.

Yes, Sebastian said with a breathless laugh. His hand slid up from Kurts neck into his hair.
See? You did it, baby.

Kurt placed his hand on Sebastians waist, drawing him a closer as he let out a giddy laugh. I
did, he said, tilting his head up and slotting their lips together. For a second, he just let himself
enjoy the buzz of excitement both from the success of their little experiment and the feeling of
Sebastians soft lips pressing against his before he drew back and kissed him again, harder this
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time, taking Sebastians bottom lip between his own, suckling it lightly. Sebastian made a high,
breathy noise that sounded more like another excited exclamation than anything even remotely
sexual but it still made Kurt feel warm inside.

You remembered, though. Sebastian said suddenly, breaking the kiss. Kurt blinked, feeling a
little disoriented but he couldnt help smiling at the look of pure glee on Sebastians face.

Yes, he said, stroking a hand down the side of Sebastians face. We established that.

Sebastian didnt seem to find it any less exciting because he just said, Fuck, Kurt. You
remembered. and surged forward to kiss him once more. After a second of trading wet, slightly
sloppy kisses, he drew back and asked, Do you remember anything specific or just that we go
for a walk? Do you remember anything about me?

Kurt wished he did. No, he said, shaking his head. I just kind of ... know that we go for a walk.

Thats okay, Sebastian said, kissing him quickly as if in reassurance. Its something.

Yeah.

So we should probably get going if we want to uphold tradition. Sebastian said though he
made no move to get up from their current position.

We should.

You want to change your clothes?

Whats wrong with what Im wearing? Kurt asked, looking down at his outfit.

Nothing, Sebastian said, tilting Kurts head up with a finger to his chin and kissing the corner of
his mouth. Just thought you might want to be a bit more comfortable. Also, Im not sure youd
want to risk getting those pants dirty.

The tree flashed in his mind again and Kurt smiled. Because we lie around in the grass after the
walk?

Dont remember specifics, my ass. Sebastian said with a wide grin.

I dont. Kurt said. But I remember this.

Sebastian pressed the pad of his thumb against the dip of Kurts chin. Its enough for now, he
said.

Now move so I can go change. Kurt said, patting his arm and attempting to slip out of their weird
little tangle of limbs.

Wait, no. Not yet. Sebastian said, holding him down.

You were the one who said we should get going.

Just a few more seconds wont hurt, Sebastian said as he leaned in again, presumably to kiss
154

Kurt but Kurt turned his face so all Sebastians lips found was the skin of his cheek.

No.

Kurt, come on.

I want to see if going to the park itself is going to jog some more memories. We cant waste time
sitting around.

I wouldnt call this wasting time, Sebastian said and he managed to sneak in another kiss before
he sighed and moved back, letting Kurt get to his feet. Kurt stumbled a little as he made his way
to the bedroom, probably because of the disorientation of standing up too fast but it could also
have been because he could still feel the way Sebastian had ran his fingers lightly down his side
before hed pulled away. Dont take forever! Sebastian called out after him.

Kurt found pair of jeans, which when he later checked the label in the bathroom turned out to be
Dolce and Gabbana, and a white V-neck shirt which he paired with the sandals that were lying
around his room (he had a feeling they might belong to Sebastian but they were comfortable so
who cared?). He was ready to go in less than ten minutes which Sebastian seemed to find
incredibly amusing.

Aw, are you that excited? he teased as they grabbed their phones and wallets and headed to
the elevator. Kurt scoffed but didnt reply since he was eyeing the pair of khaki shorts Sebastian
had thrown on in the time Kurt had took to get ready. Something about those shorts kept his
attention all the way out of the apartment building and it wasnt just the toned muscles of
Sebastians legs that were peeking out from underneath them.

It was only when they got to Central Park that Kurt realized what was bugging him about the
khakis.

Those are mine, arent they?

Sebastian had been in the middle of saying something and it took him a moment to figure out
what Kurt was talking about. Oh these? he said, looking down at his shorts. Yeah.

Youre wearing them.

Killer observational skills, genius. Sebastian said with a grin.

Im just saying.

Yeah Im wearing them, just like youre wearing my sandals.

Theyre comfortable, Kurt said with a hint of defensiveness to his tone.

And not ugly?

Yes. Which is surprising given how your fashion sense is just as woefully plain as I remember.

Thats because you picked them out. Sebastian said with a laugh. And my fashion sense is fine
for your information.
155


Kurt laughed, shaking his head. Go on telling yourself that.

Sebastian reached out and took his hand, slotting their fingers together. For a few minutes, they
walked in comfortable silence until Sebastian spoke up. So anything new jump out at you yet?

Not really, Kurt said.

What are you thinking about, then?

Honestly, Kurt had been thinking about that morning, everything that had been said between
them since the moment Sebastian had finished talking to Blaine on the phone. Nothing, he said.

Give me a little credit for being your husband, Kurt. I know that expression. What are you
thinking about? Kurt didnt speak up immediately so Sebastian sighed and added, This is kind of
what these walks are about you know. Talking to each other.

I was thinking about the stuff we said this morning. Kurt admitted.

You mean the stuff I said. You didnt exactly get a chance to talk did you? Sebastians voice
was lower now, guilt creeping into his features again.

No, Im not its not like that.

Whats it like then?

There was something Blaine said to me yesterday about us that makes even more sense in light
of what happened today.

What did he say?

He said our relationships themed around discord and rhythm. Sebastian smiled but let Kurt
continue to speak. He said that the discord is what gives us rhythm and its kind of true isnt it? If
you hadnt cracked this morning, I wouldnt have known whats been going on in your head all this
time, we wouldnt have talked things out and I wouldnt have felt as connected you as I do right
now.

You feel connected to me? Sebastian asked, smile widening.

After what happened in that bedroom and those memories? Kind of, yeah.

Sebastian tugged at their joint hands so they ended up walking closer together. Well since were
talking things out theres something Ive been thinking about too. Kurt raised his eyebrows in
silent inquiry. Its about what you said at Mamans, about how giving into the crazy emotions you
have from flashbacks is going to make things worse. What if youre wrong? Kurt frowned but
Sebastian didnt give him a chance to ask for clarification before he started explaining himself.
The things you feel after a flashback, those are emotions that are a huge part of who we were
who we are. If you keep fighting them, arent you kind of fighting us too?

I dont get it. Are you saying you want me to act when Im not thinking straight?

156

And why arent you thinking straight?

Because the memories are powerful sometimes and I cant pull myself out them immediately.

So?

So its confusing, Sebastian. Kurt said with a huff of breath.

But I feel like youre the most honest after youve had a flashback. Sebastian said. Remember
the night you told me youre my Kurt?

That wasnt a flashback.

It came from crazy emotions though, right?

Kurt nodded, I guess.

And then after you remembered the accident, you said you felt the urge to run to me or call out to
me. Again, Kurt nodded. What Im trying to say here is that the moments where I feel you let
yourself open up to me most are when your memories or past emotions or whatever have
something to say about it. Otherwise, we might as well be simple friends.

Kurt took a few moments to mull over what Sebastian had said. Sebastian apparently thought that
was the end of the conversation because he started talking about how there was a really cool
karaoke bar nearby and they should go there sometime.

I feel vulnerable, Kurt said suddenly.

What? Sebastian looked taken aback.

The memories, Kurt said. Most of the time, they make me feel vulnerable. At least the intense
ones and it all comes back to what I said about wanting control. If I let the emotions control me,
then I dont feel in control.

Im not saying let them control you, Sebastian said. Just listen to them, maybe?

I do, Kurt insisted. Thats mostly why I spoke to you at Nicoles house because Id had a
flashback about comforting you and I felt kind of...protective.

Protective? Of me? Sebastian asked with a smile.

Yes.

How cute. Sebastian said.

Kurt rolled his eyes as Sebastian pulled his hand out of Kurts and wrapped it around his waist
instead, slipping the tips of his fingers into the front pocket of his jeans. I love you, he said,
pressing a kiss to Kurts temple.

Kurt curled his arm around Sebastians waist and smiled. Im getting there.
_
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They walked for another forty five minutes until they found a secluded tree to settle down under.
Sebastian tugged Kurts head down onto his lap, not paying attention to his protests as he
threaded his fingers through his hair.

No, seriously. Dont touch it! Kurt said, trying to duck away from Sebastians insistent hand.

Sebastian laughed. You think Im going to listen to you?

You should, Kurt said, slapping at Sebastians hand.

Well Im not. Sebastian pushed Kurts hand away and grabbed lightly at a fistful of Kurts hair.
Kurt sighed and gave in, a low moan escaping his throat when Sebastian tugged his hair in a way
that sent sparks spiralling from his scalp right down to the tips of his toes. A warm pair of lips
brushed against his forehead. Never underestimate how well I know you, Sebastian whispered.

You dont seem to know me that well if youre messing up my hair when Im telling you not to.

No, but I also know you find this soothing - he dragged the pads of his fingers along Kurts
scalp, back and forth, back and forth and yes, it was soothing but Kurt didnt admit to it. Sebastian
chuckled above him, the sight of him blocked out by how Kurts eyes had slid shut.

Whatever. he grumbled.

They sat listening to the bustling life around them, Sebastians hand in Kurts hair and his voice
low as he hummed. Like most of the songs Kurt heard lately, he recognized the tune but couldnt
name it. Eventually, he gathered the energy to open his eyes and look up at Sebastian. His head
was leaning back against the tree but his eyes were fixed on Kurts face.

What are you humming?

Loving You by Ourselves. Sebastian said. Its a couple of years old.

Sing it.

Ooh, bossy. I like that. Sebastian said, laughing when Kurt gave his stomach a light punch.
Fine, fine. He took a deep breath and started to sing. And loving you is the best thing Ive ever
done -

Kurt closed his eyes, letting the sound of Sebastians voice wash over him. It was the first time
hed heard Sebastian sing. The most hed heard of his voice was during Bad in the parking lot
when theyd been fighting for whod do MJ at Regionals. Even then, hed been backed up with
Warbler vocals and singing along with the New Directions. Right now, his voice was soft and
purely him.

You have a nice voice, he said absently.

So youve told me before.

Have I?

158

Mm.

Well this is the first time Im hearing you sing without any ulterior motives.

Ill sing for you whenever you want.

Kurt closed his eyes again but there was something bugging him when Sebastian picked up from
where hed left off. Have you sang this before? he asked, opening his eyes to look at Sebastian.

Bunch of times, yeah.

I think I remember some of it.

The song?

No, the times youve sang it.

Tell me. Sebastian demanded.

Dont ask that, I cant explain it.

You cant do that, Kurt. Tell me whatever you remember.

Kurt huffed and tried to concentrate on the broken images that were flitting through his minds
eye. It was too difficult to grasp on to a single one. Okay no, he said. I give up. One second I
see you drunk out of your mind, the next were cuddling.

Sebastian laughed. Makes sense.

To you, maybe. Kurt grumbled.

I like that youre starting to remember me. Even if its like this.

Making no sense at all?

That sounds like a pretty apt description of me. Sebastian said with a grin. He held out his hand
in front of Kurt until Kurt got the message and slid his fingers in the gaps between Sebastians.
They settled down in silence once again, the sun slowly sinking in the sky around them.

Todays been exhausting.

Tell me about it, Sebastian said. And I have to work tomorrow.

I was thinking I might start too.

Going back to work?

Not exactly. I want to go through the files and designs I was working on before the accident or at
least do a bit of research on fashion trends over the past decade. That way, when I go in to the
office, I wont be completely clueless. Nicole said shed help.

159

Thats cool, itll give you something to do while Im not around.

Like Im not capable of a life when youre not around? Kurt asked, arching an eyebrow.

Things arent nearly as interesting, you gotta admit. I mean, come on. A week of being
comatose? Imagine if Id been with you wherever youd disappeared during that time. Being
unconscious would have been so much more fun.

Kurt turned his face into Sebastians thigh to hide his laugh and the gesture felt so incredibly
natural that when he looked back up at Sebastians smiling face, he felt as if he was seeing
Sebastian a bit clearer than he had before. Like he was a black and white outline and Kurt was
slowly coloring in bits and pieces of him with recovered memories and his newly discovered
feelings. Maybe thats why he didnt think twice before reaching up with his free hand to pull him
down for a kiss.
_

By the time they got home, both of them were exhausted.

Do you want to eat anything? Sebastian asked, toeing off his shoes at the entrance.

No, Im still full. Kurt said. But get me a glass of milk.

I wasnt offering to get you anything but okay. Sebastian said, narrowly missing the kick Kurt
directed towards his shin.

Kurt brushed his teeth, sped through his moisturizing routine, too tired to shower. He was letting
down the blinds in his rooms when Sebastian came in, once again shirtless.

Did I take off my oh yeah, here it is. He picked up the t-shirt Kurt had placed on the love seat
that morning and pulled it on before turning to face Kurt. Dont let all of them down, the light from
outsides beautiful.

Also a little distracting when youre trying to sleep late in the mornings.

Sebastian pouted. I have to get up early.

Too bad for you, Kurt said as he brushed past him to the bed. Sebastian padded behind him
and once Kurt had sat down, he swung a leg over his lap and moved to straddle his thighs. The
new position brought them startlingly close but when Sebastian cupped his face and gave him a
smile that was as soft and gentle as the low glow of the lamp, he relaxed. Saying goodnight? Or
officially ending the date? Kurt asked.

Both, Sebastian said before leaning in and kissing him. Kurt slipped his tongue in Sebastians
mouth, teasing him with tiny kitten licks until Sebastian groaned and shuffled closer, their groins
pressing together. Kurt could feel the outline of Sebastians flaccid cock through his thin night suit
but it didnt make him want to pull away or even press closer. It was just there, just like the rest of
Sebastian and Kurt didnt know why he found it funny that Sebastian and his dick came in one
package. Maybe it was the whole double meaning of package, maybe he hadnt expected the
first time hed feel Sebastians dick to be something completely matter of fact. Either way, when
he started laughing into Sebastians mouth, Sebastian pulled away looking offended.

160

What? he asked.

Nothing, Kurt said, shaking his head.

Are you laughing at me?

No.

Sebastian looked at him dubiously for a second before he decided theyd make better use of their
time kissing and started to lean forward again but it only made the head of his cock nudge at the
side of Kurts hip and he snorted, actually feeling a little immature this time around.

What the fuck is up with you? Sebastian asked.

Im just tired, Kurt said and it wasnt an outright lie. His eyes were dropping with exhaustion.

Sebastian sighed. Me too. But I dont want to leave yet.

So dont, Kurt said. Stay with me.

The pause that followed was tense for some reason, Kurt had a feeling Sebastian was thinking of
how hed yelled at Kurt for not letting them share a bed that morning. Sure enough, he shook his
head and said, Kurt, I dont want you to feel like you have to -

I dont feel obligated if thats what youre thinking. Kurt said firmly. Im asking you to stay
because I want you to. He pressed their foreheads together and brushed his lips along the
corner of Sebastians mouth. Following those crazy emotions and everything.

Sebastian still looked doubtful. You sure? he asked.

Yes.

His face finally broke into a smile. Okay, he said. Lemme get my phone. Its got my alarm.

Kurt nodded and accepted a quick kiss before Sebastian slipped away. He settled down on the
bed and switched off the light, trying to think of reasons why this could be a mistake and when
nothing popped to mind, he felt relieved. Sebastian returned, fiddling with his phone and using the
glare to light his way in the dark room before he set it aside on his bedside table and lay
down next to Kurt.

This isnt so bad, Kurt said.

Mm.

Just dont rape me. Sebastian groaned at that and turned his face into his pillow. Kurt smiled.
Im joking.

Dont.

Everything that happened today? Im glad it did.

161

Sebastians face was obscured by the dark but Kurt could make out the faint hint of a smile. Me
too, he said.

A hand reached out and brush against Kurts bicep lightly as if waiting for him to flinch away from
the touch. He didnt. Sebastian shifted closer, just enough so he wouldnt have to stretch his arm
out to reach for Kurt and this thumb slipped past the sleeve of Kurts t-shirt to trace along his
forearm in tiny circles. It was just as soothing as the hands in his hair had been except this time
around, the combination of the soft mattress beneath him and the coolness of the dark made him
even more boneless than hed felt in the park.

Sebastian didnt stick to monotonous circles; his thumb would shift from the circles to slow back
and forth motions before turning into figures eights, the combination of the different patterns
sending tiny, delicious tremors through Kurt. Somehow, Sebastian fell asleep before Kurt, his
hand dropping away from Kurts arm to rest heavily on his stomach instead and when the weight
became uncomfortable, Kurt pushed it away, letting it thump onto the bed between them. He felt
sorry for a moment but Sebastian snuffled and threw a leg out, hooking his ankle over Kurts
before his breathing became even once more and Kurt figured he was okay.

It took him a long time to fall asleep despite how tired he was but when he did, he could still feel
the phantom brush of Sebastians thumb against his skin and the more solid weight of his ankle
against Kurt's. It made him smile.

162

Part 33
Kurt jerked awake at the sound of Sebastians alarm going off. It was far from the
worst wakeup call hed ever got but it didnt stop the racing in his heart from being
woken up unexpectedly. He could feel Sebastian shuffling around on the bed next to
him, reaching bleary eyed for his phone. Once the sound cut off and the room was
enveloped in silence once more, Sebastian thumped back down against his pillow
and groaned. Kurt, who was already starting to slip back into the blissful realms of
sleep, turned his back to him and closed his eyes.
The sheets rustled and a second later, a knee jammed into the back of Kurts shin.
He groaned half in frustration, half in pain but Sebastian only slid in closer, bringing
an arm to wrap around Kurts waist.
Dntchoo have tgeddup? Kurt mumbled, his lips barely parting enough to form
words.
Js a few minutes. Sebastian said, pressing his forehead against the back of Kurts
neck. Kurt hummed, letting Sebastian throw a leg over his own and snuggle closer.
He lost track of time but when the heat of two bodies pressing together became
uncomfortably hot and Kurt shifted on to his back, he found that Sebastian had fallen
into a deep sleep with no apparent intention of getting up again.
Kurt could have let him sleep on but he knew Sebastian would be late for work if he
did. Feeling irritated that he had to play the role of the responsible one in the
situation, he nudged Sebastians side with an elbow and said, Hey geddup.
Sebastian pressed his face into Kurts chest and mumbled something that sounded
suspiciously like in a minute but Kurt gave his shoulder a firm shake and said, You
already took a few minutes. Geddup.
Sebastian rolled away from Kurt, flopping onto his stomach on the other side of the
bed. Kurt could hear him grumbling to himself as he reached for his phone again,
tapping at it to light up the screen. When he saw the time, he bolted back on to his
knees, narrowly avoiding falling off the bed. Fuck!
Told you, Kurt said as Sebastian got to his feet and started stumbling towards the
door. By the time the bathroom door thumped shut behind him in the hall, Kurt was
already asleep.
He was awoken a short while later by a freshly showered, fully dressed Sebastian
stroking his fingers gently along Kurts cheek. Kurt opened his eyes slowly, his
eyelids feeling heavy and tilted his head to look up at him. What?
Gimme a kiss, Im leaving. Sebastian said, leaning down and Kurt had just enough
sense to pull back before their lips touched.
163

Ew, he said, wrinkling his nose. Sebastian looked both amused and slightly hurt but
there was no way Kurt was going to kiss him like this. His lips were dry and chapped
and he had morning breath. Even a little peck was out of the question.
Whats wrong? Sebastian asked, his fingers curling around thin air where Kurts
cheek had been a second ago.
Kurt shook his head and said, Its just gross.
Sebastian started to laugh then, the sound filling up the room, drowning out the
muffled noise of traffic and morning bustle outside the windows. Oh baby, Ive seen
you when youre gross and trust me this - he gestured a hand along Kurts body
isnt gross. Kurt didnt get a chance to pull back this time but Sebastian only kissed
his cheek. Go back to sleep,
Kurt wanted to point out how that was no longer a possibility thanks to Sebastian
waking him up multiple times already but all he did was wave a hand as Sebastian
disappeared out the door and turn his face into the nearest pillow. It didnt take much
to figure out the pillow was Sebastians, it smelled strongly of him and Kurt found
himself pressing his nose further into the softness of it.
Somehow, he managed to go back to sleep anyway.
_
The apartment seemed quiet without Sebastian but it didnt feel empty. In fact,
without Sebastian around, Kurt realized he had hours stretching ahead of him where
he could explore every square inch of the place, pull out all the little secrets hidden
under the beds and deep in the closets without anyone hovering over him. It was a
new kind of freedom and it might have been crazy, but it felt like the walls themselves
were exuding a silent sort of encouragement.
Of course Kurt didnt really have to dig too deep; the first thing he saw when he
opened the guest bedroom was Sebastians laptop lying on the pile of rumpled
sheets in the middle of the bed and well, that was secretive enough.
It wasnt password protected when Kurt opened it. He bit his lip, hand hovering over
the sleek black keys as he tried to convince himself this wasnt really an invasion of
privacy. Sebastian knew the password to Kurts laptop, hed known the contents of
his files well enough to navigate through them flawlessly when the two of them had
been going through pictures together so it wasnt like Kurt was doing something
wrong. Hed probably browsed through Sebastians laptop plenty of times before.
They were husbands. They shared stuff, right?
Somehow, the logic still felt wrong but Kurt couldnt push away the burning curiosity
to find out what Sebastian had been looking at. Please dont be porn. He said aloud
164

as he pushed back the screen to a more comfortable angle and clicked on the first
open window.
There was no porn in sight, thank god. Most of the windows had pictures of him and
Sebastian from different albums, Sebastians browser was open to an unfinished
email addressed to Kate Ryerson and another window at the bottom of the screen
was labelled Trinity Shit. What caught Kurts attention though were he tabs next to
Sebastians open Gmail account. They all seemed to center around one theme; Help!
Whered My Memories go?!, How to Handle a Family Member With Amnesia, What Is
Retrograde Amnesia?, Coping with Amnesia, Flashbacks and PTSD Explained,
Memory: What Can You Do to Trigger It?
Kurt flicked through the articles, skimming the text but not really taking anything in.
His chest ached in the dull way it sometimes did when the emotion was too
complicated for him to do anything other than just feel it. Kurt knew Sebastian had
been trying as hard he could to help him regain his memories but the image of him
curled up in bed with these stupid articles, the thought that in his desperation hed
turned to advice from websites that listed down steps to recovering memory as if it
were as simple as rebooting a computer made the situation so much more painful.
It was apparent that Sebastian hadnt just been reading these articles, hed taken
them as serious guidelines. Some of the tips they had given were things Sebastian
had actually tried with Kurt going to familiar places, browsing through pictures with
detailed explanations, playing favorite songs...
At least Sebastian had made everything seem less mechanical than it sounded on
paper.
When he could no longer take the cheerful stories of patients who had succeeded in
regaining their memories, Kurt shut the laptop and stood up. He was sure by now that
his memory was only temporarily blocked, but he couldnt help thinking that those
very stories had been what built up false expectations in Sebastian. It explained why
hed snapped yesterday when Kurt hadnt snapped back to normal after their first kiss
in the lounge. The articles made it look so easy. It wasnt.
Back in his bedroom, he dug through his closet for every piece of clothing with his
initials on it and spread it out on the bed, intent on continuing through with his original
plans of but halfway through looking at his own incomplete sketches, he decided he
was too distracted to concentrate.
Eventually, he found himself on the couch, opening sub folder after sub folder on the
screen in front of him until he got to his wedding file. Hed been putting it off for too
long, both because he hadnt felt ready and because hed had a feeling Sebastian
would be too hurt if Kurt sat down and watched one of the most important days in
both their lives and didnt remember anything. Now though, with the knowledge of
exactly how much effort Sebastian was putting into this relationship, into Kurts
health, the need to give back as good as he was getting was too strong.
165

There were two videos, one titled Official, the other As Narrated by Blaine Anderson.
Intrigued, Kurt clicked the latter and a black screen popped up, Blaines dramatic
voice filling the background.
Ladies and Gentlemen, what you are about to witness is the exclusive, uncensored,
behind the scenes footage of Sebastian Smythe and Kurt Hummels wedding. Join
me, the man the best man - Blaine Anderson as I take you through the nitty gritty of
getting married. Watch the union of the man who swore hed never love anyone but
himself and the -
Oh shut up Blaine, nobody is going to watch that video except us. Sebastians voice
cut in.
And you sound like Rachel, Kurt added.
Fuck you both.
Twenty minutes into the video, Kurt was glad hed chosen this instead of the official.
The clips werent just from the wedding, there were scenes that probably took place
weeks before with people sitting around tables planning color schemes and going
through seating arrangements. Some of the faces Kurt recognized others were
completely unfamiliar. Blaine kept up a steady stream of comments throughout all the
clips, an air of warmth and playfulness about them. There wasnt a single scene
where Kurt or Sebastian were acting happy out of obligation, in fact they were
bickering with each other over trivial matters, swearing at Blaine to fucking shut up, at
things they bumped into while looking the other way, at the world in general rather
than posing for the camera.
It made the whole ordeal of watching his wedding a lot less nerve wracking than Kurt
had originally expected. It felt real. Not magical, not something that looked like it had
been taken out of someone elses life but something that was so realistic, it actually
reminded Kurt of the panic, the chaos, the way hed been on edge while planning
Burt and Caroles wedding.
Oh man Kurts lost it. Blaine said in between a laugh. The camera was focused in
on Kurt standing next to a large man, both of them looking incredibly stressed out.
Kurt was gesticulating wildly as he talked, not letting the other man get a single word
edgewise. I mean it was only a matter of time, Blaine continued as he zoomed in on
Kurts face. Poor guys been way more stressed ever since Sebastians family
started showing up and I dont think hes getting laid as much as he wants to.
Wouldnt be too sure about that.
Blaine swiveled to focus on Sebastian. The camera was zoomed in too much so all
that actually came out of it was a close up of Sebastians left eye and a flash of cheek
before Blaine turned focus back to Kurt and asked, Shouldnt you be calming him
down or something?
166

Naah, Camerons a pain in the ass. He probably deserves whatever hes getting.
Sebastian! Kurt called out when he caught sight of him.
Yes, baby?
Did you speak to Cameron about the additional fifteen people we have to feed for
the next five days?
Fuck, Sebastian breathed.
You are screeeewwweddd, Blaine teased.
Fuck. Blaine save me.
SEBASTIAN TELL ME YOU -
Blaine save me. Sebastian said in an urgent voice, louder than Kurts own since he
was standing right next to the camera.
Oh no, youre on your own man.
Kurt almost felt sorry for Sebastian as he watched his own face cloud over with rage
on screen, realizing thats what he must have looked like every time Finn messed up
any part of his immaculate planning for their parents wedding.
Hey Kurt, how about a smile - Blaine said as Kurt stalked past him after Sebastian.
Not now Blaine, Kurt said, elbowing the camera as he went. SEBASTIAN COME
BACK HERE!
Despite the feverish preparations, there were moments which embodied all the
warmth and happiness that weddings brought. Moments when Blaine hid away in
corners and filmed Sebastian sleeping curled against Kurts side exhausted after a
day of entertaining guests, when their friends would sit outside after dinner and sing
with Kurt sitting between Sebastians legs, when they were all dancing to some
thumping bass in the background and shouting at Kurt and Sebastian to stop making
out.
For gods sake you get married in three days! Keep it in your pants!
Fuck off Kate, Sebastian said, breaking away from the kiss to glare at his cousin.
Or do you want me to talk about what I found you and John doing in the pool house
the night before your wedding?
167

Ooh he got you there, Blaine said even as Kate threw him a vicious glare.
You werent even there. He could be lying for all you know.
But Im not Katy and you know it.
Kate turned back to Sebastian and shook her head. You play dirty Sebby.
Sebastian gave her a smug smile before sliding his hand around the back of Kurts
head and dropping his gaze to Kurts mouth. Now if youll excuse us...
It wasnt until Kurt saw himself getting dressed for his wedding that he started to feel
the beginnings of nervousness. It just bloomed in his stomach out of nowhere as if he
were actually standing in front of the mirror like he was on screen, struggling with his
cravat. The suit at least, had Kurts instant approval and for a moment he just looked
himself over, thankful for the full head to toe shot Blaine took of him that allowed him
to appreciate the outfit in its entirety.
It might have been obnoxious but Kurt couldnt help but think I look pretty damn
fabulous.
What he also looked was pretty damn nervous.
Aw, are you nervous? Blaine asked. Dont worry, youre not alone. I just visited Seb
and hes freaking out. Wouldnt even let me film him.
Yeah Kurt, its totally normal. You saw me at my wedding. Finn added.
Burt laughed from somewhere in the background. Finn, dont compare yourself to
your brother. You were sweating through your suit.
Kurt was silent throughout the whole exchange. Eventually, Blaine said Finn, hey,
can you hold this for a sec?
Sure.
The camera shook as it was handed over to Finn, Burts voice warning him to not
drop it, and a second later, Blaine came into the shot, moving to stand in front of Kurt
and draw his fumbling hands away from his neck. In the few more seconds the clip
lasted, Blaine continued to talk to Kurt in a low, soothing tone. What he was saying
was difficult to make out but Kurt was nodding along, lips pressed tightly together as
if to keep himself from crying.
He wasnt sure, but Kurt thought he head himself say there was a time when I
thought itd be you. Whether he was joking or being serious, he couldnt tell because
his face was blocked out by Blaine leaning up for a hug and Burt moving into the shot
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with his own arms outstretched. The scene cut there, transitioning into what seemed
to be the wedding reception. Kurt was thrown off for a few seconds where was the
actual ceremony? The vows and the cake and the first dance? For one wild moment,
he thought that none of it had happened before his brain caught up with him and he
realized that the gaps were probably covered up in the official video.
The current shot was of Kurt and Sebastian slow dancing among a swarm of other
couples. If there had been any doubt about whether Kurt was still thinking about
Blaine on his wedding day, it was gone the second Kurt saw the way both he and
Sebastian were wrapped around each other with blissful smiles. Theyd lost their suit
jackets and ties so it must have been some time after the actual reception. From
what Kurt could make out of the other couples, most of them were faces of close
friends and family; Rachel and her boyfriend, Burt and Carole, Christopher and
Nicole, Kate and John, Finn and what must have been his wife. They were all cut off
when the camera zoomed in on Kurt and Sebastian.
Kurts head was tucked right beneath Sebastians chin, cheek pressed to his
collarbone and their arms around each other. His face was flushed, probably a mixed
result of the alcohol hed consumed, the exertion of the faster dances that had
preceded this one and just the general glow of happiness.
Awwww man, Blaine said, his voice a little slurred. He was definitely tipsy. You
guys look too cute and I dont want to bug you but this is the grand finale so -
Kurt pulled away from Sebastian when Blaine got close enough and shook his head,
giving him a fond smile. Youre still walking around with that thing?
Youll thank me later. Blaine said. Now tell me. Sebastian are you happy?
No Blaine, I am devastated, Sebastian said with a completely serious face. This
asshole has forever robbed me of my bachelor charm. I can already feel the loss.
Kurt laughed and gave Sebastians arm a light punch but Sebastian only tightened
his arms around Kurts body.
You never had any bachelor charm, Kurt said.
I had plenty.
Please, you walked around with too scared for commitment branded on your
face. Kind of overrode the charm part.
And I suppose my fear of commitment is why I married you?
You married me because I have impeccable taste in everything and the fact that I
somehow chose you flattered your ego.
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Either Sebastian didnt have a response to that or he just chose instead to dip his
head down and kiss Kurt in lieu of answer. Blaine didnt let them get too into it before
he said, Thats cute and everything but you never answered my question. A hand
reached out to poke Sebastians forearm. Are you happy?
Of course Im happy you idiot. Sebastian said, turning to grin at Kurt and nuzzling
his nose.
Is this what you thought being married would feel like?
It hasnt even been 24 hours yet, Blaine. Let me get back to you on that one.
Yeah, hell let you know when the chains settle in around his hands. Kurt said.
Thatll be sooner than he might think, Sebastian said with a suggestive wink. Kurt
rolled his eyes before leaning in to press his cheek against Sebastians shoulder,
their bodies swaying from side to side as they danced.
No innuendos. Im going for a romantic ending, here. Blaine warned. So Kurt was
your wedding everything youve ever wanted it to be?
Kurt nodded, a content smile spreading across his lips. Mmhm.
It was perfect?
Better. His eyes fluttered shut when Sebastian leaned down and brushed a kiss to
his temple.
Am I your Prince Charming, Kurt? Sebastian teased.
Not even close.
Sebastian scowled but Blaine said, Prince charming or not, Kurt -- Are you happy?
Kurt didnt joke with his answer. His arms slid up and around Sebastians shoulders,
hugging him close and when he opened his eyes, they were glazed over a bit. Im
married, he whispered.
And that makes you happy?
Sebastian couldnt see Kurts expression since his face was turned away. The most
he could do was press his cheek to the top of Kurts head and wait for his reply. The
anticipation was clear on his face.
He makes me happy, Kurt said, curling his hand around Sebastians bicep.
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Sebastians face morphed into a wide grin. Do I?
Miraculously, yes.
Does that mean youve forgiven me for the cake? Sebastian asked, kissing the top
of Kurts head.
I havent forgiven, nor have I forgotten. Kurt pointed at the camera, looking straight
at it. This little thing can bear witness. I. Will. Get my revenge.
Oooh pointing, I like it! You remember my lessons well, Kurt! someone called out
from the background.
And on that note from Cooper Anderson, Blaine said, the eye roll hidden in his tone.
I end this amazing account of Kurt Hummel and Sebastian Smythes wedding. I bet
you its a million times better than the boring official crap. Now go on, kiss and stuff
so the audience have something to hold on to.
I told you nobody is going to watch this except us, Blaine. Sebastian said but he
didnt resist when Kurt leaned up just a little to kiss him. In fact, he seemed to forget
Blaine was standing there because his hand came up to cup Kurts jaw, tilting his
head back so he could kiss him deeper. Kurt whispered something against his lips
which made Sebastian laugh so hard, he had to break the kiss for a few seconds and
press his face into Kurts neck.
I love these two idiots, Blaine said in a low voice as Sebastian and Kurt continued to
kiss lazily in between hushed conversation. And I hope you idiots have a good life.
Kurt sat completely still after the screen switched back to main page. His brain was
hurling questions too fast for him to actually take time out and think of the answers;
Cooper Anderson was he the brother Blaine never talked about? How did Kurt not
remember meeting Blaines brother? Had they managed to find alternate catering
arrangements for the fifteen extra people? What had Sebastian done with the cake to
make Kurt want revenge? How exactly had he been planning his revenge? What was
Finns wifes name? What was the joke Christopher had promised to tell once Blaine
shut his camera off? What song had he and Sebastian danced to the first time as a
married couple? How had Sebastian looked in his complete wedding suit?
He might as well have watched a really unfulfilling movie with tons of loopholes and a
cliff-hanger ending for all the questions he still had. Blaines video had contained no
details, just snippets of everything. Kurt didnt even know the wedding venue. If he
wanted, he could have watched the official video to fill in the gaps but there were
more than enough things to digest as it was. Blaine, Sebastian, himself and the way
he'd looked - as if Sebastian was the best thing to ever happen to him.
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His cell phone vibrated on the coffee table, the screen lighting up with an incoming
call from Sebastian, accompanied by a picture of him Kurt didnt remember taking.
Judging by the angle, it looked like Sebastian had taken it himself.
Smiling, Kurt pulled himself from his jumbled thoughts and answered it. Hey,
Hey Kurt," Sebastian's voice made him feel happier than it should have under
normal circumstances. Maybe Blaine's idea of ending the video on a romantic note
had been more effective than he'd thought. "You missing me? Sebastian asked, the
words were barely out of his mouth before somebody shouted from behind him. Kurt
heard was a burst of static as Sebastian shuffled around and shouted back, Just let
me eat a fucking sandwich, Ill be there in ten minutes!
Kurt laughed when Sebastian turned back to the phone, swearing. I think the real
question here is, are you missing me?
Is that a trick question? Sebastian asked.
Youre pretty slow with the answers, might as well be.
Yes, I miss you. Sebastian said, giving up the banter quicker than Kurt had
expected. First day back after a week and Im already going crazy. Howre you
doing? Make any progress with work?
Kurt looked up at the TV screen and said, Yeah. A bit.
Maman helping you? Sebastian asked with a mouthful of what must have been his
sandwich.
No, its just me at the moment.
You sound distracted.
Im counting how many times you woke me up this morning.
It was Sebastians turn to laugh. Sorry but in my defense, that last time wouldve
only taken a second if you hadnt freaked out about a little goodbye kiss as much as
you did.
I didnt freak out -
Sure you did.
It was gross, Sebastian.
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Its routine, Kurt. There was a pause where Kurt thought he heard the same hint of
hurt in Sebastians voice that hed seen on his face that morning but a second later, it
was gone. Well stick to kissing cheeks until you get past your hygiene issues but
you might want to get used to it because Im not giving up that routine. I happen to
like it.
Never took you for a routine person.
Im not.
Couldve fooled me.
Someone shouted Sebastians name again and he groaned, not bothering with a
responding shout this time. His voice was rushed when he spoke next and it was
obvious he was swallowing large bites of his sandwich as he talked. Dont make
dinner tonight, okay?
Why not?
Because Mondays are my turn.
Sebastian Im free, I can -
No. Mondays are mine. I want to.
What was that about not being a routine person?
Ill see you tonight, baby.

173

Part 34
When Sebastian got home, he found Kurt sitting on the couch, red faced and
laughing with his hand covering most of his face. Sebastian instantly recognized the
dance off the two of them were having on screen; it had been some time after all the
formalities had been taken care of at their wedding and their friends had pushed
them onto the dance floor to do something crazy. Kurt always insisted hed won but
Sebastian continued to reassure himself that he had been the better dancer
by far even if some of his moves had caused the elder members of the audience to
blush and turn away. He hadnt cared - not when Kurts eyes had glinted playfully and
hed given back just as good as Sebastian gave him.
Dropping his keys and bag, Sebastian moved to take a seat next to Kurt. Kurt didnt
look up at him; he was watching the rest of the dance through the gaps in his fingers,
shoulders shaking with laughter. It was only when the song ended and his onscreen
self turned to pull Sebastian into a hug much to the hooting and clapping of his
friends that Kurt tore his eyes away from the screen and lowered his hand.
Hey, he said when he finally looked at Sebastian.
Hi, Sebastian replied. He leaned in for a kiss that Kurt accepted with much less
hassle than he had that morning. He even brought a hand up to brush his fingers
along Sebastians jaw for the few seconds their lips remained connected before he
pulled back. The kiss had been short but it had done exactly what after work kisses
were meant to do - drain the tension of the day from Sebastians body even if it was
just for a little while. So I see you finally got around to watching our wedding, he
said after hed settled back against the couch.
Yeah, Kurt said, turning his eyes to the screen where Rachel and Blaine had
stepped up to perform a song theyd composed for him and Kurt. Is that - did they
write that? Kurt asked when the lyrics registered with him.
Sebastian nodded. Blaine came up with the music, Rachel with the
lyrics.
Wow. Kurt breathed.
I know. Sebastian said, his eyes trained on Kurts face, at the awe present in his
features.
They were silent for a while during which the camera panned to Kurt and Sebastian
watching the performance with damp eyes. Once it was over, Sebastian took the
remote and paused the video.
I was watching that, you know. Kurt said.
I know. But why make do with a digital version of me when you have the real thing
right here? Sebastian asked with a wink.
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Sorry to burst your bubble but you werent exactly the center of my attention.
Youre saying that I wasnt the center of your attention in our wedding video?
Kurt smiled and shook his head. There were far more interesting things to see.
Like?
Like Finns daughter and that original song and the table centrepieces -
Youd choose looking at table centerpieces over your gorgeous husband?
Sebastian asked, his offended tone only half joking.
Gorgeous? Kurt said raising an eyebrow. The centrepieces were gorgeous. He
reached across Sebastians lap for the remote. Now, if youre done needling me for
ego boosting statements, I want to get back to this and try to remember more about
them.
Good luck with that, Sebastian said, standing up just as the video resumed playing.
If you need any help with remembering stuff, Im sure the centerpieces will answer
all your questions.
Kurts foot caught the back his shin as he passed, pressing in just hard enough for a
sharp pain to shoot up his leg. When Sebastian threw him a glare over his shoulder,
Kurt grinned at him. Thats payback for this morning.
Maybe the centerpieces should make your dinner too. Sebastian called out as he
headed towards the bedroom.
_
So, Kurt said, spreading a napkin on his lap after theyd sat down at the table. How
was your day?
Sebastian paused with a forkful of pasta halfway to his mouth. Kurts expression was
formal, his posture awkward and stiff as he waited for Sebastians reply. Kurt,
Sebastian said, trying to hide a smile. What are you doing?
Im asking you how your day was, Kurt said with the same stiff formality.
Like a butler asking if Id like him to pour me some more
wine.

Kurt looked away, his cheeks going a bit pink. I figured thats what we did. Sat down
at dinner and talked about our day like -
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A married couple? Sebastian finished for him. He couldnt help the fond smile that
spread across his lips at the thought of how Kurt was probably basing his ideas of
their marriage on the experience of all the romantic movies hed ever watched.
This is definitely not how we talk about our day. Sebastian said, gesturing to the
neatly laid out table. Were not this civilized. Weve tried but our crazy schedules
dont really give us the luxury of proper dinners.
How does it usually happen then? Kurt asked.
We talk in between brushing our teeth and taking a dump.
Of course Sebastian wasnt exactly telling the truth, but it was worth it to see Kurts
face scrunch up in disgust. Ew! Sebastian burst out laughing. You are disgusting.
Were eating for gods sake.
Im sorry, are you still in our honeymoon phase? Sebastian said with a grin. Did I
shatter the romance of our wedding with real life?
Kurt glared at him, his cheeks a flaming red either from anger or embarrassment.
Sebastian took a bite of his pasta and took mercy on the images that must have been
tormenting Kurt at the moment. Im kidding, he said, rolling his eyes when the
intensity of Kurts gaze only increased.
Remind me to never ask you any questions again, Kurt said, turning back to his
plate.
Sebastian considered him for a second, remembering the tip given in one of the
articles hed come across while doing his research on treating amnesia. It had said
something along the lines of repeating familiar behaviors to trigger memories. He
and Kurt didnt have a fixed pattern to how they had dinner or talked about their day.
Very rarely, it was like how it was right now; sitting at a table and talking in between
bites of food. Sometimes, when one of them would run a hot bath theyd talk while
sipping wine and soaking in hot water and relaxing bath oils. On one occasion, theyd
had a frustrated conversation about their bosses while having sex until it had hit
Sebastian that Kurt was talking about his mother while attempting to undo
Sebastians shirt and that had effectively killed the conversation - and his boner.
That wasnt a scenario Sebastian could repeat at the moment but he could still
choose from some of the less eventful nights. Even if it didnt make Kurt remember
anything explicit, it would still be better than feeding his misguided fantasies of their
day to day lives.
Where are you going? Kurt asked as Sebastian pushed back his chair and stood
up. Whoa! he said, dropping his fork when Sebastian pulled off his shirt in one swift
move. Whatre you -
Come on, Sebastian said, picking up his plate and moving towards the couch. Kurt
didnt follow immediately but by the time Sebastian had finished fiddling around with
176

his iPod settings to get it to an appropriate playlist, Kurt was standing beside the
couch with his food in his hands, looking dubious.
What are we doing? he asked when Sebastian sat down.
What we normally do, Sebastian said, nodding to the empty space next to him.
Do you normally have dinner without a shirt?
Yes, Sebastian said, taking a bite of pasta and shooting Kurt a wide grin. The
second Kurt had taken a seat, he swung his legs up to rest his feet in Kurts lap and
settled back against the armrest. You know Rick the Dick yelled at me twice today?
he said much to the surprised look on Kurts face. Thank god for Jon or I would have
lost my shit and quit right on the spot. We cant really afford for me to lose my job
right now but Jesus sometimes I just want to kick the guy in his fucking balls. Like,
what more do you expect from me? I did everything you fucking told me to. I came to
work even while my husband was in the hospital and all I took were five days off but
he goes ahead and acts like Ive been on a freaking vacation this whole time.
Kurt was staring at him, just staring at him like he was some unknown creature
descended from outer space. Can you pick up the dry cleaning tomorrow?"
Sebastian continued. "I'd do it myself but I won't have time. I'm going to head over to
the gym after work because if Rick the Dick keeps this up I'll need a way to blow off
steam and I'm already picking up groceries on the way home so...
He turned back to his food and took another couple of large bites while Kurt
continued to stare at him. His expression had gone from utterly confused to
suspicious but after a moment, he smiled. I see, he said.
You see what? Sebastian asked in between a mouthful of pasta.
Apart from your horrible table manners -
Were not at the table anymore.
- I see what youre doing.
And whats that?
Kurt took a bite from his own plate and unlike Sebastian he swallowed before saying,
Those articles make it sound easier than it actually is, you know.
Sebastians eyebrows shot up in surprise. You went through my computer. It wasnt
a question; there was no other way Kurt could have known.
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Kurt nodded, looking hesitant all of a sudden. Should I be sorry? I figured it was
okay to poke around seeing as you practically knew the contents of my laptop inside
out.
Its okay, Sebastian said. I hadnt meant for you to see those articles but whatever,
its not like its a secret how Im trying to help you.
And I appreciate that, Kurt said. But dont get your hopes up too high because it
doesnt work that way.
I know, Sebastian said. But its worked a few times so far. There must be some
credibility in their methods.
Maybe, but I wouldnt trust them so completely. Itll only lead to frustration when they
dont work.
But you trust me, right?
Kurt glanced up at him and smiled, I guess.
Good, Sebastian said, shoving some more pasta into his mouth. Then
trust my methods.
Methods that involve taking off your shirt? What exactly are you trying to accomplish
by that anyway?
Sebastian grinned, curving his toes so they brushed the side of Kurts thigh. Am I
making you uncomfortable?
Kurt pushed Sebastians feet off his lap, unbalancing him all of a sudden and it was
all Sebastian could do to not tumble to the floor. Not as much as youd like, Kurt
said smoothly, setting his plate on his lap where Sebastians feet had been seconds
ago. I just dont understand the point.
Who knows how my bare chest and this couch can spark some more memories,
Sebastian said, sitting up straighter.
He thought he heard Kurt say I could do without any more of those, thank you but he
wasnt sure. What he was sure about was that when Kurt pointed his fork at his plate
and said, This is actually pretty good, what he meant it was fucking fantastic. It
reminded Sebastian of the first couple of times hed cooked for Kurt, back when Kurt
was still reserved when it came to giving him open compliments.
Dont hold back on the praise, he said with a grin. I know you are secretly trying to
figure out what I put in the sauce. Just a heads up, Im not going to tell you.
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Kurt narrowed his eyes at him for a second before he shook his head and turned
back to his plate. So I take it that Rick the Dick is your boss?
Yep. He hates me.
Why?
Why do you think?
Because youre disrespectful, obnoxious and too smart for your own good?
Sebastian grinned in response. You know me so well - even without your memories.
But in my defense, Im not directly disrespectful. If anything, I give the dick more
respect than he deserves but I just dont like him and when I dont like people - well,
you know how I tend to come off.
Kurt laughed, Oh I know.
So how was your day honey? Sebastian asked in an overly cheerful tone that made
Kurts jaw tighten in irritation.
It was informative, he replied.
I thought you were going to concentrate on work-related stuff. Howd you go from
fashion trends and Kurt Hummel couture to snooping around other peoples laptops
and our wedding?
Kurt shrugged, I was in the mood.
You couldnt have waited to watch it with me?
I wanted to watch it on my own, Kurt said and there was something in his tone that
told Sebastian there was a deeper reason for that than Kurt just not wanting
Sebastians comments to ruin everything.
Did you see Blaines unofficial version?
Kurts face broke into a smile, I watched that one first. I loved it.
Yeah? Sebastian asked hopefully. What did you think of the actual ceremony?
There was a pause during which Kurt finished up the rest of his dinner and leaned
forward to set his empty plate on the coffee table. It wasnt exactly the dream
wedding I had in my mind at eighteen, he said, unaware of how Sebastians heart
plummeted at his words. But the changes were a pleasant enough surprise. I guess
that pretty much speaks for the rest of my life as well.
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When his words registered with Sebastian, his face broke into a grin. Is there a
hidden compliment there somewhere? he said. Are you saying being married to me
is a pleasant surprise? Kurt ignored him, though he couldnt quite suppress his
smile. It made Sebastians whole body glow with warmth. Well youve certainly
changed your tune, he said.
Who says I was talking about our marriage? Kurt said, standing up and heading
towards the dining table.
Dont tell me the pleasant surprise is something ridiculous like our colorful key bowl
by the door. Sebastian called after him.
Kurt poured himself a glass of water and leaned against a chair, eyes glinting with the
same playfulness Sebastian recalled from their little dance off when he said,
That is a pretty beautiful bowl.
If Sebastian wasnt so fucking happy to have Kurt right in front of him joking in the
easy, flirty way that was definitely still new to him but intimately familiar to Sebastian,
he would have responded with another quip. But all he could do was walk over to
Kurt and dip his head down to kiss the corner of his mouth.
Ive missed coming home to you, he said in a low voice, reaching out to touch Kurts
cheek.
Kurts expression softened with understanding. But Sebastian was certain he couldnt
possibly have any idea how horrible it had been for him to come home to an empty
apartment on the odd nights when Burt or Blaine had managed to push him to go
home and rest instead of staying at the hospital. Kurt would never know how hed felt
when hed opened the front door and found their apartment eerily silent, devoid of the
buzz it always seemed to have whenever Kurt was around, how hed used Kurts
body wash to surround himself in his husbands smell, how hed slept on Kurts side
of the bed wearing Kurts pajamas and hugging Kurts pillow - anything in order to
feel like he was there with him physically.
He cupped Kurts face in his hand, running his thumb along his cheekbone before
leaning in to kiss him once more. But just like that morning, Kurt turned away at the
last second except this time, he was pressing his lips together in an attempt to not
smile. Um, he said when he turned back to meet Sebastians questioning gaze.
Can we not do this when youre shirtless?
Sebastian looked down at his bare chest, having forgotten he wasnt wearing a shirt
anymore. A laugh bubbled out of him at the realization and he took a step away from
Kurt, reaching for his discarded t-shirt on the chair beside him. This okay? he asked
once hed pulled the shirt back over his head.
Kurt stepped forward in an obvious yes to his question, hand coming up to rest
against the side of Sebastians neck. His lips were cool and slippery from the water
hed been sipping a moment ago but they meshed perfectly with Sebastians, pliant
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under his moving mouth. The warm, solid press of him against Sebastians body
grounded him, reminded him of how at one point hed thought he would have lost the
chance to ever do this again. The wave of gratitude that washed through him at that
made him push closer, wrap arm hand around Kurts back and bring the other hand
to cradle his cheek. Kurt pressed into the touch, tilting his head and releasing his
breath in a small exhale against Sebastians lips when they parted to allow his
tongue to slip in. There was a lingering taste of tomato sauce in his mouth but
beneath it all was a flavor that was completely and uniquely Kurt.
He hadnt realized how hed pushed Kurt back against the table until a
sudden thud broke through the silence around them followed by a yelp from Kurt who
jerked forward against Sebastians chest. What? Sebastian asked, confused at the
way Kurts face was twisting uncomfortably. Kurt stepped aside to reveal the glass
hed knocked over. The water was dripping off the edge of the table and had soaked
through a deep patch at the back of Kurts shirt.
Its freezing, Kurt said, pinching the material and pulling it away from his skin.
Go change, Sebastian said, setting the glass upright again. Ill clean this up.
When Kurt came back out, Sebastian had cleared away the table and was starting
the dishes. Need some help? he asked, leaning against the counter beside the sink.
Actually, Sebastian said. Since I cooked dinner, you can do the honors.
Kurt stared at the soapy sponge Sebastian offered him looking mildly surprised but
he shook himself out of it quickly. Sure, he said, stepping into place when Sebastian
moved away.
Sebastian grabbed a beer for himself from the fridge and watched Kurt work in
silence for a few minutes, the music filling the background until Kurt asked, So did
we manage to find alternate arrangements for the fifteen extra people?
What? Sebastian asked with a frown.
In Blaines video theres a part with someone called Cameron -
Oh! Oh, yeah. It wasnt as big of a deal as you made it.
Im pretty sure it was, Kurt said looking skeptical.
Naah. Cost a bit of extra money but we managed. Sebastian said with a shrug,
taking another swing from his bottle.
Who were they?
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The extras? Uninvited cousins. Sebastian said with a roll of his eyes. You
were pissed until they went and made you fall in love with them.
You have a lot of cousins. Kurt commented.
Big family, Sebastian said with a shrug. My parents were the only one with a single
child.
Did you want a sibling? Kurt asked, glancing at him as if attempting to read the
answer on his face.
Not really, Sebastian said. I wasnt exactly jealous of the snobby elder sisters and
whiny younger brothers everyone else seemed to have.
You wouldnt have liked to have a little kid to boss around?
She would have worshipped me, okay? Sebastian said a little defensively. Anyone
would be lucky to have me looking out for them.
A weird expression flashed on Kurts face; a look of amusement morphing into
something softer, something unreadable. So it would have been a she, he said,
smile tugging at his lips. You wanted a younger sister?
If it had happened, I would have preferred it to be a girl.
No one to compete with for daddys perfect son status? Kurt said with a knowing
look.
It both threw him off and made Sebastian inexplicably happy how Kurt was picking up
on these small details about him. There was no way he was working on pure
guesses. Sebastian chose to believe that these observations were proof of how Kurt
was getting his memories back in quiet, unnoticeable ways. He may not have
remembered the exact conversations where Sebastian had revealed these parts of
himself, but he still remembered - and it was enough.
Yes, Sebastian said with a smile. I guess I wouldnt have minded giving up being
an only child as long as I got to hold on to being the only son. But obviously, I didnt
have to give up either of those since Maman could never get pregnant again.
Im sorry, Kurt said, turning off the tap and wiping his hands on the small towel next
the sink.
No big deal, Sebastian said with another shrug. All that extra attention was focused
on me. Besides, I had plenty of other kids to look after and boss around.
Youre close with your cousins? Kurt asked.
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The fact that they crashed my wedding wasnt enough of an indication? Sebastian
asked, following Kurt back to the couch.
Doesnt have to mean youre on good terms. Maybe they were just there to make fun
of Sebastian Smythe finally getting married.
Sebastians eyes actually widened at the accuracy of his statement. Kurt was
chuckling to himself but when Sebastian didnt reply, he turned to look at him and
frowned at the expression on his face. What?
Kurt, you have - you have no idea do you? Sebastian asked in a low voice.
Kurt looked confused. About what?
Youre saying all of this incredibly accurate stuff without even realizing it, Sebastian
said with a small laugh.
I am?
How did you know some of the idiots were there to make fun of me? Sebastian
asked.
I dont know. I just assumed -
You cant have just assumed -
Yes I could, Kurt said sharply, all traces of a smile disappearing from his face. You
told me your first committed relationship was with me and that some of your family
found the fact that you were getting married despite never considering it before
hilarious.
Why are you being so harsh about this? Sebastian asked, eyebrows creasing.
I dont want you to see progress where theres none, Kurt said in an exasperated
voice.
But thats not true -
Look, I appreciate your help and yes I am thrilled that my memories have started
coming back but dont go around confusing information Ive pieced together with stuff
Ive got second hand for actual memories.
There was a tense pause after his words wherein Kurt stared at the opposite wall and
Sebastian stared at Kurt. He took a deep breath before he shifted closer and laid a
hand over Kurts on his knee. Hey, he said softly but Kurt didnt meet his eyes.
Okay so maybe some of the stuff is brilliant guesswork but it still doesnt change the
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fact that you know things about me that most others dont know and I definitely
havent told you after the accident.
Kurt finally met his eyes. Like what?
Seemingly little things, he said. Like me not wanting a brother to compete for the
best son of the year award.
Thats not really -
Yes it is, Sebastian said forcefully, cutting him off. You dont get it, Kurt. Im a crazy
private person when I want to be. Ive had sex with people in dirty bathrooms without
blinking an eye but I didnt tell you my favorite color three months into us dating
because it felt too personal.
Thats crazy. Kurt said, face breaking into a small smile.
Isnt it? Sebastian said with a grin. The point is - you could have guessed a million
reasons as to why I wanted a sister instead of a brother but you got the answer spot
on. I dont care if you got lucky, you picked up that little detail about me without
blinking an eye. Kurt sighed and leaned back against the couch, closing his eyes. I
know you want to be practical and not get too optimistic, Sebastian said, but give
yourself credit where its due.
Kurt didnt say anything for a few seconds until he finally opened his eyes and turned
his head to look at Sebastian. That was a pretty mean thing to do, he said. Crash
your wedding just to make fun of you. Didnt it ruin all our preparations?
Sebastian laughed, glad the tension had dissolved. They werent mean, and they
were willing to be cut out of any lists where they couldnt be accommodated last
minute. You ended up liking them.
Mm, Kurt hummed, turning his eyes to the ceiling. Theres so much I want to ask
you,
The centerpieces not giving you satisfactory answers? Sebastian teased.
Sadly, no.
I thought so.
Kurt smiled, lifting his head to let Sebastian slide an arm around his shoulders before
settling back against him. What did you do with the cake that made me mad at you?
he asked after a moment.
You let it go! Sebastian said.
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Im pretty sure I said I havent forgiven or forgotten except that I have forgotten so -
what did you do? You were well behaved in the official cake cutting so it must have
happened off screen.
I made sure of it, Sebastian said.
What did you do? Kurt pressed, sounding impatient.
Sebastian raised two fingers of his free hand in front of them and swiped them
through the air over an invisible cake. Kurts lips parted, his eyes widening in horror.
Please tell me you didnt - oh god, he said when Sebastian slid the fingers down the
side of Kurts face. Oh my god, you didnt just smear my with icing on my wedding
day.
That wasnt the end of it, Sebastian said before he leaned in and licked back up the
path his fingers had made.
Gross! Kurt said, trying to squirm away but Sebastian had him trapped in place with
the hand around his shoulder. He sucked kisses along the skin of Kurts cheek,
nipping at the flesh only to soothe the sting with a sweep of his tongue. Kurt had
stopped trying to squirm away but he was still making disgusted sounds except they
came off as more breathless noises than anything disapproving. Once Sebastian was
satisfied that the invisible icing had disappeared, he pulled away.
Kurts cheek was wet and shining, flushed a bright shade of red. The funny part was
that the rest of his face was the exact some color. Sebastian grinned but Kurt ignored
him, wiping his cheek with his hand before cleaning the spit off on Sebastians pants.
You are disgusting, he said. And I cant believe you would do that in front of
guests!
No one was looking except for our friends, Sebastian said with a fond roll of his
eyes. Well them and your dad but hey, at least I helped you clean up.
It was our wedding Sebastian, not a birthday party!
Sebastian grinned widely, Thats exactly what you said to me then.
And Ill also say that Im going to get revenge. Kurt said. And its going to be ten
times worse.
I wouldnt mind you sucking my face, Sebastian said.
Kurt pulled out of his arms and scooted towards the edge of the sofa, looking irritated
but not angry. Okay, no. I feel disgusting, he said a second later and got to his feet.
Im going to go wash my face. Dont follow me.
Youre acting like I gave you the cooties, Sebastian teased.
185

You licked my face.
It wasnt the first time.

His laughter was still echoing around the apartment when Kurt slammed the
bathroom door shut.

186

Part 35
The next couple of weeks were - weird. Some days, Kurt would be warm, affectionate and
optimistic about everything from his memories returning to getting back on track with his job.
Those days were Sebastians favorite. He would take advantage of every second Kurt let him
press up close to him and kiss him, hold him and whisper in to his ear. But then there were days
when Kurt was cranky, distant and refused to so much as meet Sebastians eye.

Burt had gone back to Ohio the Sunday after Kurt started going back to work. He wasn't working
as much as he was shadowing others and trying to understand the flow of things but Sebastian
knew Kurt was having a rough time. He wasn't understanding half the things going on, panicking
every time people expected him to know the answer to something. Nicole wasnt at the office
personally so Kurt was under the guidance of his supervisor and fellow co-workers. Not being
able to keep up frustrated him and even though he refused to talk to Sebastian about it most of
the time, Sebastian knew how it was getting him down. He had enough proof of that from the
snippets of conversation he'd heard of Kurt and Burt's phone calls.

Maybe you jumped back in too soon, he said over dinner one night. Kurt had been quiet all
evening and his eyes were constantly damp which couldnt just have been because he was
slicing onions. It broke Sebastians heart. You could have taken a small fashion course or
something instead. Youre pressuring yourself too much like this.

Im not, Kurt said. Im not pressuring myself enough.

Do you seriously think what youre doing is insufficient? Sebastian asked. Baby, youre working
your ass off day and night. Theres no way you can catch up with years of education and training
in just a month. You have to -

Are you done rubbing it all in my face? Kurt asked sharply.

Im not rubbing it in your -

Well it definitely seems like it. Kurt said. I know exactly how much of my brain Im lacking and I
dont need to have you of all people reminding me.

Youre not lacking brains, Kurt. But Kurt was already storming towards their bedroom, his half
eaten plate of food abandoned next to Sebastian. The door slammed behind him and Sebastian
stayed frozen for a few seconds before he pushed aside his own plate a little too roughly and
dropped his head into his hands.

He wasnt exactly having the time of his life either. The firm he worked for was going through the
process of rebranding, a stressful enough time for the people in Sebastians department but
Sebastian had it worse because for some reason, his boss fucking hated him and nothing
Sebastian did was good enough. There were days when Sebastian wanted to throw all sensibility
out the window and quit his job, find someplace that didnt make him want to break things.

Everything would have been so much easier to deal with if hed had Kurt supporting him like hed
always done before the accident. Not with empty promises of how hed find someplace better, not
with reassurances of how good a lawyer he was but with the simple proof how much he loved him
and would stick with him no matter what he chose to do. Sebastian had always been a fan of
speaking through touch and Kurt knew this fact well enough to say everything Sebastian needed
187

to hear in brushes of his lips and the press of his hand against Sebastians body.

Sebastian missed him so much sometimes. Missed that closeness, missed being able to say so
much with so little. He missed him and then immediately felt guilty because Kurt was here, it
wasnt fair to separate this Kurt and pre-accident Kurt. But no matter how many times Sebastian
repeated that little fact in his head, he still felt a crushing sense of loss in moments when Kurt
didnt pick up that there were things on Sebastians mind weighing him down and damn it,
he needed Kurt to be more than just a presence around him, craved to be closer to him in ways
stolen kisses or hugs wouldnt let him be.

Moments like Tuesday night when Sebastian went up to the roof and spent half an hour smoking
only to come back down to Kurts disapproving expression.

You smoke? he asked, sniffing the air and wrinkling his nose.

Sebastian nodded, his face expressionless. On occasion.

There were only ever two occasions; Sebastian either smoked at parties - less so now than he
had during college - or when he was too stressed to work it off with a trip to the gym. And given
the plethora of bad days Kurt had been having lately coupled with Sebastians own workload,
todays cigarettes were definitely because of stress. Kurt didnt remember this bit of information
because he crossed his arms and shook his head. Do you have any idea how unhealthy that is
for you?

Youre one to talk, Sebastian said. You know the kind of stuff youve put into your system? At
Kurts surprised expression, he said, Well then until you remember, you dont get to give me crap
for it.

Im sorry I didnt know looking out for you made you so unbearable.

Well, if youre looking out for me, youre doing it wrong. Sebastian snapped.

Am I missing something here?

Sebastian looked at him and felt his anger waver. Kurt looked so lost, exasperated and confused
and fuck, it wasnt his fault that he didnt remember how he was supposed to react in these
situations. Of course he would nitpick the health hazards of smoking rather than recognize the
emotional significance of the act for Sebastian. Holding him close and fucking him in slow thrusts
until Sebastian couldnt breathe was probably the last reaction on his mind.

Yes, Sebastian said with a huff of breath.Youre missing something.

Well - Kurt looked around the apartment, running a hand through his hair. Youre going to have
to tell me what that is otherwise Im just going to go on assuming things.

Its nothing, Sebastian said, making his way to the bathroom. Ill grab some air freshener for
you to get rid of the smell.

Kurt followed him to the bathroom, looking unsatisfied with Sebastians reply. Look, Im honestly
just trying to figure out why you would do that to your own body.

188

I know you are, Sebastian said, handing him the air freshener. But dont waste your time. There
are more than enough things that need figuring out as it is. He reached out and cupped Kurts
face, dragging his thumb along Kurts temple and foolishly pleading that the touch would spark
some sort of memory but when Kurt continued to do nothing but stare at him. Sebastian dropped
his hand. Im going to shower now so unless you want a free show, I think you should leave.

Kurt stayed where he was, eyes trained on Sebastians face. His gaze was intense, searching
desperately for the answers he wanted. Sebastian shrugged when he didnt move and peeled off
his t-shirt, reaching into the shower stall to turn on the hot water. Kurt stepped back when
Sebastian moved to toss his shirt into the hamper behind the door but his eyes never left
Sebastians face.

Im going to take my pants off, Sebastian said, popping the button on his jeans. Now would
probably be the time to leave.

Wait, Kurt said, looking distressed. Whats going on?

Sebastian didnt want to have this conversation. He wasnt feeling strong enough to stand by and
explain everything when he was so used to Kurt understanding him without explanation. It was
selfish and childish, not to mention unfair but if Kurt couldnt realize what Sebastian wanted
without being told, then Sebastian wasnt going to tell him. He gripped the doorframe next to
Kurts shoulder and sighed. Kurt, just leave please.

Kurt bit his lip, eyes still darting over every inch of Sebastians face. For a second, Sebastian
thought that Kurt understood, that he remembered what smoking was symbolic of and that he
would dosomething - kiss him, hug him - but Kurt nodded, his expression becoming stony and
said, Fine.

As Sebastian watched him leave, he felt his heart sink and kicked the bathroom door shut so hard
the painting on the wall outside shook. He spent close to an hour under the spray, letting the hot
water soothe the ache in his muscles. It was a poor substitute for how Kurt knew to take care of
him but it was the only alternative he had.
_

Things continued to remain tense, waves of frustration and happiness that came and went so
sporadically that Sebastian had no fucking clue what to do with it all. He didn't know what was
causing the drastic mood swings in Kurt, what made him walk up to Sebastian and randomly
wrap his arms around his back or what made him look at Sebastian like he was the sole cause of
all his problems.

Thursday morning, when he bent down to kiss Kurts cheek in standard goodbye, a hand came
up to cup his jaw and keep him in place. Sebastian frowned, pulling back just enough to see the
way Kurts eyes fluttered open, hazy with sleep and the color of the sea and sky locked in a
twisting dance. Silently, Kurt tilted his head up and pressed his lips against Sebastians in a dry,
but impeccably soft kiss.

That little gesture left Sebastian buzzing with energy for the rest of day. But in the evening, when
Kurt came back from work, he locked himself in the guest room (which was acting as his
makeshift study) and refused to come out for hours. When their dinner arrived, he finally emerged
from the room calmer and with a smile but by then Sebastian was too frustrated to brush his
previous attitude off and they both went to bed without saying another word to each other.
189

_

Have your memories been any more co-operative lately? Sebastian asked as they were folding
their laundry Saturday morning.

Kurt ignored his question and picked up a pair of navy boxers from the basket. Are these yours
or mine?

I dont know. They look like yours. Sebastian said with a shrug.

You have a pair exactly like these, Kurt said, sounding more irritated than he should. What if
theyre yours?

Then put them in my pile. Sebastian said dryly.

What if theyre mine?

Then put them in your fucking pile! Sebastian snapped.Jesus Kurt, theyre just a pair of stupid
boxers. The world isnt going to end if theyre put in the wrong pile. Its not like we havent shared
clothing before.

I doubt we share underwear, Kurt said, looking only further irritated.

It was that dismissal of something that they were so used to doing on occasion that made
Sebastian's insides alight with irritation.

What, you dont remember borrowing a pair of my boxers because yours were dripping with
come? he asked, taking a wild pleasure in the way Kurts face glazed over with horror that
probably had more to do with Sebastians harsh tone than his actual words. What about that time
we were fucking and the pizza guy arrived? Remember how you grabbed my underwear off the
floor so you could go answer the intercom? Or when we were -

What the fuck is your problem?! Kurt exclaimed, cutting him off. His face was flushed red and
his eyes dark from anger.

Sebastian threw the jeans he was supposed to be folding, sending a pile of neatly stacked shirts
sliding to the ground. You finish folding these, Im done. he said.

So youre just going to walk out? Because I asked you whose boxers these were?

Im going to walk out because you have been doing nothing but pissing me off for the past
couple of weeks and if I stay around any longer, Ill end up saying things Ill regret.

You should say them, Kurt said. Because really, I want to hear what the hell has been making
you so weird.

Sebastian laughed bitterly, Im being weird, Kurt?

Kurts face shifted, something like guilt flashing across his features but it was gone a second later
and he just tipped his chin up in a defiant gesture. You know what? Sebastian said, shaking his
head. Fine. Ill tell you what the fuck I have to say. I am tired of you, okay? I am tired of your
190

mood swings, I am tired of you closing off on me, I am tired of you not understanding me when I
talk to you.

Youve barely said three words to me since last night!

I just asked you if your memories were being cooperative! Sebastian said, throwing his hand up.
And instead of actually having a conversation with me, you went and started worrying about
some stupid pair of boxers! Sebastian picked up the item of clothing in question and threw it at
Kurts chest. It bounced off him and on to the floor, joining the tangle of shirts.

Okay, so I was a little preoccupied with our underwear, Kurt said stiffly. Doesnt explain why
youre acting like this.

Kurt, Sebastian said, pressing a hand to his forehead. I - he didnt know how to say it. Why
are you shutting me out? he ended up asking. After all the times you promised me you wouldnt,
why have you stopped treating me like your husband?

I feel like were both wearing blinding masks, why the hell would you think Im not treating you
like my husband?!

Because youre still not wearing your ring, for one.

Kurts hand automatically curled into a fist as if to hide his bare fingers but it only served to
highlight the strip of skin where his wedding band would have otherwise been. Im not ready for
that, he said

You know a month ago, I would have believed you but right now, all that sounds like is bullshit,
Sebastian said, shaking his head. Listen to yourself - one second you claim youre treating me
like a husband and the next you say youre not ready to wear your ring I mean, what am I
supposed to make of that?

Kurt licked his lips and tore his gaze away from Sebastians face. It feels like too heavy a
commitment.

It is a heavy commitment Kurt, Sebastian said. And Im sorry but if you still havent accepted
that, then I dont know if you ever will.

Youre being really fucking selfish right now, you know. Kurt said, looking back at him. You
have no idea the havoc going on inside my head. Rings are honestly the last things on my mind.

Youre the selfish one here, Sebastian shot back. Youre so fucking lost in your own head that
you cant see how Im losing my mind!

Do you have disconnected memories jumping out at you? Kurt asked. Are you getting hit by
flashbacks while walking down the road?

Dont act like Im being insensitive about your struggle, Sebastian said. Ive asked you to talk to
me about your problems a million times.

How am I supposed to talk about them?! Kurt exclaimed, his voice cracking.

191

Theres this wonderful thing called a mouth which lets you communicate with others, Sebastian
snapped. All you have to do is open it.

Kurt closed his eyes and took a deep breath, his face flushing an even deeper shade of red. How
am I supposed to tell you that I lost a project Id apparently been working towards since before my
accident just because I was unconscious when the deadline came around? And that I only
realized how much this project meant to me when I saw the guy whod got it instead - the guy
who, just by the way, misses no opportunity to tell me how Im too defected to work anymore.

Is this Troy? Sebastian asked, a different kind of anger licking his insides. Troy was one of
Kurts bitterest colleagues. Hed hated Kurt since the day theyd met and was always battling him
head to head. Kurt had known exactly how to deal with the bastard and almost always held the
upper hand in their silent fights but right now, Kurt was just vulnerable enough for him to take
every kind of sick advantage he could.

It doesnt matter who it is, Kurt said, swallowing thickly.

Kurt, you tell your supervisor this dick is treating you like that.

I would if I wasnt sure my supervisor was just as annoyed with me, Kurt said. Do you know
how embarrassed I was when I showed her the sketch Id worked on day and night only to be told
it was the exact replica of a piece from Marc Jacobs 2018 spring collection?

Sebastian stared at him quietly as Kurts eyes started to get wet. Im telling Maman, he said.
People like that shouldnt be allowed to work at all. How the fuck do they think they can treat you
like that and get away with it? Youre not even fucking working full time yet! Theyre supposed to
be helping you not - not bringing you down! He was shaking, head spinning a little.

Kurt shook his head. Marie has been nothing but amazing, he said. But I dont blame her for
being irritated. She spent hours with me, going through an overview of what the brand is working
on, she showed me storyboards and old photo shoots and then I spent three days working on my
first design and its not even something I created myself but a figment of memory returning at the
worst possible time.

Baby, this is why I said you shouldnt go back to work just yet, Sebastian said, his voice
desperate. We were both stupid to hope things would work out so quickly but theyre obviously
not and your doctor told you stress wouldnt be good for you.

Im fine, Kurt said. I went to Dr. Hendricks on Wednesday and she said -

Wait, wait, what? Sebastian said, waving his hand to stop Kurt midsentence. You went to the
hospital?

Yeah, for a checkup, Kurt said with a shrug. I was supposed to go every two weeks.

Why the hell did I not know about this? Sebastian asked.

You did, Kurt said with a frown. I - his face clouded over, lips forming a small o when he
realized that he hadnt told Sebastian at all. Im sorry, he said. I honestly thought Id told you.

How can you have thought you told me when you havent spoken to me properly in days?
192


I forgot, Kurt said in a low voice, bending to pick up the fallen shirts.

This is exactly what Im talking about, Kurt. Sebastian said, unable to hide the hurt in his voice
now. Something as serious as going to your doctor and you didnt even fucking tell me. How is
that treating me like your husband?

Its not like she said anything life changing.

It doesnt matter - I want to know about this stuff. Why wont you talk to me about it anymore?

Im not the only one closing off, you know. Kurt said quietly, stacking the shirts back up again
neatly.

Sebastian frowned. Whats that supposed to mean?

Youre not being very helpful lately, Kurt said, still not looking at him. Whenever I ask you
something, you brush it off.

Bullshit, Sebastian said. Im the one trying to get you to fucking open up.

Really? What about that night you were smoking and I asked you what was wrong? Kurt asked.

It was Sebastians turn to remain silent. Hed been selfish that night, he knew it. But hed been
feeling really fucking horrible and had needed Kurt to understand without his help. It was an odd
explanation, not one he could give to Kurt without sounding like a complete dick so he crossed
his arms and said, It was only that one time. I wasnt feeling up to talking. What about all the
other times I did try?

Kurt finally looked at him, expression cool. Those were times when I didnt feel up to talking.

Sebastian grit his teeth. You know what, this is pointless, he said. Go on playing the victim here
and ignore everything Im going through because it doesnt matter.

Look - all you need to know is that there is seriously nothing wrong. I was having some
headaches, nothing a few pills cant fix. Im just not used to getting hit by memories as suddenly
as theyve been coming in these past weeks.

What memories? Sebastian said. You havent told me anything about any memories returning.
Ive been trying to help you out -

I know you have.

And yet you still didnt think I deserved to know more than the spark notes version of your life?
Your doctors appointment and the things youve remembered. How many of those memories
include me?

None. Kurt said quietly.

Sebastian stood stunned for a second before he said, Sorry, what?

193

None, Kurt said looking at him with a steady gaze. You asked how many memories you were in
and the answer is none. I havent been able to remember anything about you since I watched our
wedding video.

But you said that you were frequently remembering things. Sebastian said with a frown.

Kurt nodded. Things that have nothing to do with us.

What are you remembering then?

Kurt avoided looking at him, keeping his gaze on the clothes in his hands. Are you going to help
me with these?

Are you going to answer my question? Sebastian countered.

Kurt sighed, Sebastian I really dont want to talk about this right now.

Kurt, you cant just do that every time I - the rest of his words were muffled by Kurt suddenly
grabbing him by the arm and pulling him into a kiss. It was rough, it was messy, it was everything
the past few weeks had been. Sebastian wasnt sure if this was Kurt finally understanding that
maybe what Sebastian needed wasnt just words but touch, or if it was just Kurts way to shut him
up.

Either way, Sebastian pushed everything theyd said in the past few minutes out of his mind and
leaned into Kurts body, pressed their mouths together harder and grabbed Kurts forearms to
drag him closer. Kurt bit his lip, tugging at the flesh insistently as his hand slid from Sebastians
arm up into his hair, tugging at the strands.

Eventually, the rhythm of their mouths slowed down to a gentler caress and they stayed locked
together, drinking up each other with slow strokes of their tongues and wandering hands. It wasnt
the exact closeness Sebastian had been craving, but it was enough to soothe the ache. He felt
like he understood Kurt most in this moment. Once the urgency and harshness had melted away,
the kiss was equal parts Im sorry and I love you. Which was why, when Kurt pulled back, and
whispered, I love you, Sebastian said I love you too without thinking twice about it.

His eyes were closed, forehead pressed against Kurts and both their breaths mingling between
them but when Kurts words hit Sebastian, his eyes flew open and he looked at him with wide
eyes. Kurt didnt smile, he didnt look happy at all in fact. His expression was a complicated mix of
emotions but hed said that he loved Sebastian. For the first time in months - hed said those
words aloud.

Kurt -

Remember that, Kurt said, cutting him off. His voice was shaky, a result of their intense kissing
or because of what he was saying, Sebastian didnt know. I love you, even if I dont say it, even if
I dont wear my ring or remember anything else about us. I love you and you know it just as much
as I feel it so just - just remember that, okay?

Sebastian nodded wordlessly and wrapped his arms tighter around Kurt, trying not to think too
much about how it seemed like Kurt was attempting to convince himself of that fact just as much
as he was assuring Sebastian.
194


195

Part 36
I love you. Remember that

Sebastian tried. Oh he tried. Every time Kurt was in his bad place and took it out on Sebastian, he
kept repeating he loves you, he loves you in head but he still couldnt shake the feeling that Kurt
had used him in some deeply selfish way. Like hed known exactly how much Sebastian had
been craving an emotional connection and had only chosen to stop ignoring it when it became
something of an advantage to him. Cutting short their conversation in the laundry room had
probably been exactly what Kurt planned on doing with his kiss and mini speech, it had been
nothing more than a diversion.

And Sebastian, the idiot that he became around Kurt, had taken the bait.

The more Sebastian thought about it, the more furious he got, the more unreasonable. Some part
of his brain that hadnt turned a blind eye to logic argued that everything Sebastian was thinking
was complete bullshit. But the other, angered and hurt part refused to listen.

Really, what proof was there lately that Kurt loved him? When did he do anything that gave
weight to his words? He moved silently around the apartment, eating at different hours, never
staying in the same room as Sebastian for too long and spending and increasing amount of time
in the guest-room-slash-study.

It scared him sometimes how far apart they were growing. It hadnt been like this between them
for so long, theyd always found some way to talk, to work at this - at them together. It hurt so
much to have Kurt close off so suddenly, only giving him occasional glimpses after all the ways
hed trusted Sebastian enough to let him in after the accident.

Sebastian frequently wished he knew what Kurt thought about while he stared out of the large
windows into the city late at night or what he giggled about in his dreams only to start sobbing
quietly when he woke up. He wished Kurt would stop going to work and pushing himself harder
than he should, wished he would talk to Sebastian, let him reassure him in ways that spoke
louder than words.

He continued to crave touch, more so now that Kurt had withdrawn completely. He wanted to run
his palm down Kurts spine as he curled up next to him, wanted to kiss the dip of his collarbone
and say Im here in the way that had calmed Kurt so many times before. He wanted to surround
himself with Kurts body until they couldnt breathe, feel naked skin pressed together, all heat and
intimacy.

He kept wanting until he finally decided to stop.

If Kurt was being an asshole, he could be one too. He stopped trying to make Kurt talk to him,
stopped kissing him goodbye in the mornings, stopped making dinner for two on the days it was
his turn to cook.

Some part of him hoped Kurt would notice how he was drifting away and that hed do something
to pull him back in.

Kurt did nothing.
_
196


It took Sebastian moving back to sleep in the guest room for Kurt to finally notice.

The door creaked open hours after Sebastian had settled in for the night, light spilling in from the
hallway. Sebastian had his back turned to the door so all he saw were the shadows cast on the
walls but he could feel Kurts presence as he leaned against the doorframe.

Sebastian? His voice was soft, hesitant. Sebastian closed his eyes to fight the aching in his
chest. Are you awake? He didnt reply but Kurt seemed to sense he was because he said,
Come back to bed.

And god, Sebastian had to clench his teeth and grip his pillowcase tight enough for his knuckles
to turn white in order to keep himself from getting up and going to Kurt. Instead, he swallowed
thickly and asked - because he didnt have enough self control to stop himself - Why?

Because I cant sleep, Kurt said.

So once again Im just something that exists solely to help you function better. His words were
bitter but they were true. Sebastian did exist for Kurt, hed let Kurt use him, take everything he
had to give until there was nothing left because Kurt was the world to him. But not like this.

His Kurt would never have used him so selfishly, not without giving back as good as he got and
this Kurt hadnt been thinking much of giving back to Sebastian lately. Sebastian had no
obligation to do anything for him anymore. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a voice told him
he was being a complete idiot because Kurt was here, asking him to come back to bed, wasnt
that enough?

No the pissed off part retorted.

At the door, Kurt sighed. Sebastian saw the shadow of his hand as he rubbed his forehead. The
bed feels empty without you, he said quietly.

The words ripped through his heart but bounced off his brain. Sebastian couldnt shake the
feeling that this was Kurt trying to manipulate his emotions again to get what he wanted. It made
him more sad than it did angry to think of how Kurt had gone from somewhere who had cared
about Sebastians feelings even when he couldnt remember him to someone who used him to
his own advantage knowing full well how much Sebastian loved him.

Sebastian?

Sebastian didnt move, didnt say anything.

Please, Kurt sounded on the verge of tears.

Sebastian bit down on his lip and inhaled deeply, holding the breath in and willing Kurt to
just please leave, to not make this harder than it already was. It would have been easy to follow
Kurt to their bedroom, believe that his tears and soft words were genuine but the events of the
past couple of days were still fresh in his mind and he was done letting himself get walked over
after every time Kurt professed to care about him.

The door closed with a click, darkness enveloping the room once more. Sebastian exhaled
197

through his nose, his whole body curling inwards.
_

In the morning, when Sebastian went back to their bedroom to get his clothes for work, he found
Kurt splayed on Sebastians side of the bed. He was awake, staring blankly at the window but
hadnt noticed Sebastian come in. Watching the way his arm was curled around Sebastians
pillow, holding it to his chest made Sebastians stomach twist with guilt. Maybe Kurts tears and
words last had been genuine.

Instead of ignoring him and going straight to the closet like hed planned on doing, Sebastian
found himself walking towards the bed. Kurt lifted his head to glance over his shoulder at the
sound of footsteps, eyes widening when he saw Sebastian.

Ive always said my side of the bed was much more comfortable to sleep on. Sebastian said
when he came to a stop next to the bed.

Kurt stared at him quietly for a second. Its really not that different, he said, his voice croaky.
From sleep or from crying, Sebastian didnt know.

I wouldnt have believed you if the bags under your eyes didnt scream lack of sleep. Sebastian
said in a softer tone. Kurt shifted to the side as Sebastian lifted a knee to rest on the mattress
next to him. He wasnt sure if he was going to crawl over Kurt or lie down beside him, even if he
was going to do anything other than stand with one foot on the ground and one knee brushing
Kurts side but at the moment, he wasnt really thinking of positions. He was thinking of the way
Kurt was looking up at him - hesitant, guarded, a little hopeful.

You dont look like you had a very good night either, Kurt said, eyes raking over Sebastians
face where the evidence of the past couple of restless hours must have been showing.

I didnt.

Kurts hand brushed his, eyes still trained on Sebastians face as if waiting for him to pull it away.
When he didnt, Kurt tangled their fingers together and squeezed. Sebastian squeezed back.

Why - Kurt paused, dropping his gaze to their hands, licking his lips. Why didnt you come back
last night?

I didnt want to sleep with someone who would obviously rather sleep alone. Sebastian said.

Do I look like I wanted to sleep alone? Kurt asked, gesturing towards his untouched side of the
bed. I stayed up all night wishing you were here.

Though the confession made his heart ache, Sebastian didnt relent. One night doesnt make up
for the million nights before it, Kurt.

When did I ever tell you I didnt want you sleeping with me?

When did you ever tell me you did?

Kurt looked defeated at that. I know I havent exactly been really...anything lately -

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Oh you have, Sebastian said lightly. Youve been a selfish jerk and a complete insensitive
asshole.

For a second, Kurt looked like he was going to argue but he only pressed his lips together and
took a deep breath. Im sorry. He said, fingers twitching between Sebastians. Its been a really
rough couple of days. Im exhausted.

Yet, instead of resting and not pressuring yourself, youre going to get up and go to work later.

Sebastian could feel the tension slowly creeping up, settling into the air around them. Kurt could
probably feel it too because he shifted restlessly and squeezed Sebastians hand harder as if
doing so would deflate some of the tension.

This has nothing to do with work, he said calmly.

It has everything to do with your stupidity.

Sebastian, just let it go already okay? Kurt said, voice no longer controlled but edging on
frustrated. Weve talked about this.

If those three seconds in the laundry room count as talking.

Kurts fingers tightened almost painfully around Sebastians, like he was trying very hard to not let
go. Sebastian knew that if he did, it would break the invisible thread between them that was
keeping this conversation going.

Youre supposed to support me, Kurt said slowly, his tone laced with hurt.

Im not going to support you being an idiot. Sebastian said firmly.

Kurt released his hand and Sebastian could almost hear the phantom snap as Kurt began to
retreat into himself. He even shifted to his own side of the bed, turning his back to Sebastian.
You should get going, he said in a clipped voice. Youre going to be late.

Sebastian got his clothes in silence, nerves itching for a fight that would slap some sense into
Kurt but when he walked out of the closet, Kurts eyes were closed. Sebastian could tell he was
feigning sleep - probably to avoid any more conversation. Silently, he made his way out of the
bedroom, barely hearing the sigh Kurt let out as the door shut behind him. In the bathroom, he
was so distracted, he cut himself twice while shaving, used his shampoo in place of body wash
and very nearly missed substituting shaving cream for toothpaste.

He cursed throughout pulling his clothes on only to realize hed forgotten his tie. Damn it, he
muttered as he wrenched open the bathroom door and headed back towards the bedroom. Kurt
looked surprised when Sebastian walked back in, cheeks flushing with sudden color. It took a
moment for Sebastian to realize Kurt had rolled back to his side of the bed and was once again
lying with his face buried in Sebastians pillow.

I forgot my tie, Sebastian said in response to Kurts questioning gaze. Sorry. Go back to sleep.

Kurts gaze burned through the back of Sebastians shirt as he made his way over to the closet.
He tried to ignore him and grabbed the first tie he saw, throwing it around his neck as he walked
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out.

That doesnt go with your shirt, you know. Kurt spoke up.

Sebastian swallowed the sudden lump in his throat as his mind skipped back to mornings where
Kurt would lie quietly on the bed and watch him dress, occasionally dropping a comment about
his clothes or hair. He glanced at Kurt and found him watching Sebastian with slightly drooped
eyes, cheek smushed against his pillow.

It looks fine. Sebastian said, turning away, not wanting to get caught up in another moment that
would inevitably be ruined.

Do you really want to argue fashion with me?

Well if the ties bugging you so much, maybe you should get up and give me one that doesnt
offend you but if you wont then Im not going to be yelled at for being late because my husband
didnt approve of my color coordination.

To his surprise, Kurt swung his legs off the bed and got up in one graceful move. You have no
color coordination, he said, walking past him into the closet.

Sebastian felt an odd rush of adrenaline as he waited for him to come back out, fingers flexing at
his sides. If youre planning on bedazzling my outfit with some of your weird accessories, dont
even think about it, he called out. I dont want to show up to work looking like a clown.

Kurt emerged with a simple navy blue tie in his hands and gave Sebastian a measuring look
before he stepped closer, tugging at the knot of the tie already around his neck. Sebastian felt
heat spread through his body like wildfire, starting at the places where Kurts fingers were
brushing the skin of his neck right down to the tips of his toes. Kurt turned back to drop the tie on
the bed before draping the newly selected one around Sebastians neck. His eyes were intent on
his hands as they worked on the knot but he looked like he was preoccupied with something.

What made you think I wanted to sleep alone? he asked, eyes still on the tie.

Sebastian watched him silently for a moment before he said, Youve been ignoring me again.

So have you, Kurt said quietly.

Dont twist things around Kurt.

Kurt fidgeted with the tie, clearly unsatisfied with the knot and slid it loose so he could start all
over again. Theres been a lot going on, he said.

Work?

God, just stop with pestering me about my job, Kurt said with a frustrated huff. No, its not all
about work. Its the chaos that is in my head.

So instead of talking to me like I asked you to, you ignore me again?

Kurt paused, eyes flickering up to Sebastians before moving back to the tie. The knot was done
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but Kurt didnt remove his hands. There are some things Id rather deal with alone.

Like what?

Like coming to terms with what a huge asshole you were to me when we first met in New York.
Kurts voice was light, almost teasing but there was something heavier underneath, something
Sebastian could tell he was covering up.

So you have been remembering me, Sebastian said, raising an eyebrow.

Bits and pieces, Kurt said. Always bits and pieces.

Its better than nothing, right? Sebastian said, trying to smile but it didnt quite work out. There
were so many things Kurt could have been remembering about him, things without proper
context. That would explain his random bursts of anger towards Sebastian, why hed wanted to
stay away from him as much as possible. Oh god, what was he remembering? All attempts at a
smile failed, Sebastian frowned. You know you really should have talked to me. I bet youve
been over thinking things like crazy.

Kurt looked up at him with a cool expression. And Im the only one over thinking things right?

Why do you throw everything back in my face? Sebastian asked with a sigh. Everything I say,
its never enough to just shut up and answer me is it?

Kurts eyes dropped to Sebastians mouth. Youve never been very good at listening either, he
said before leaning in and close the last bit of distance between them. Sebastian held still when
their lips touched, frantically thinking back to the laundry room, to all the times Kurt had ignored
him the past few days and how hed sworn he wouldnt give in like this again but Kurts lips were
soft, pressing against his like a sweet apology and Sebastian found himself bringing a hand up to
cup his face and keep him there as he wrapped the other arm low around Kurts waist.

It was like so many of their fights, cut off mid conversation so they could finish with saying things
through touches instead of words. Like the way Kurts palm slid to left of Sebastians tie, coming
to a rest over his heart in a silent I love you, the way Sebastian bit his lip to say Im still mad at
you, this isnt over. But they melted into the kiss, making up for an almost week long silence
between them. Sebastians hand found the warm skin of Kurts lower back where his shirt had
ridden up. He flattened his palm against his back and pushed Kurts body closer against his
chest. Kurt exhaled a little puff of breath through his nose as Sebastians hand continued to slide
up along his spine, shirt bunching around his wrist as he rode it up higher.

Oh god, Kurt breathed, tearing his mouth away and Sebastian felt the shiver that coursed
through him under his palm. It made his own body flare with heat but he started to pull back, the
few minutes he had left to leave for work forcing him to stop everything where it was. To his
surprise, Kurts hands flew to cup his jaw and hold him in place. No, dont go, he whispered,
kissing him firmly on the mouth again.

Kurt, Sebastian huffed out a laugh as he tried to pull away again but Kurt was apparently very
serious about not letting Sebastian go because his hand slid down to wrap around his tie. He
walked them backwards until Sebastian felt his back thump against the wall. Kurt hang on for a
minmm.

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Dont go, Kurt said again, breathing the words out against Sebastians jaw. Please.

What the hells gotten into you? Sebastian asked, his head spinning. I mean, god I want to stay
but -

I need you here right now, Kurt said, finally pulling back enough to look Sebastian in the eyes.
My head is clear for the first time in days and I need you to keep me in the moment.

Sebastian struggled to gain control of his breathing, staring at Kurts wet mouth distractedly until
his words finally registered. I cant skip work, Kurt.

Neither can I but just - stay for a while longer. Kurt said, hands fluttering over Sebastians body
until he finally cupped them around his waist. He dropped his head to Sebastians shoulder,
taking a deep breath. Please. Just a few minutes.

Are you going to explain what the hell is going on with you? Sebastian asked as he wrapped an
arm around Kurts back. Or is this going to be like the other day where you shut me up with a few
kisses and then go back to ignoring me later?

Ill tell you everything, Kurt said, fingers flexing against Sebastians waist. I promise. Right now
I just want you to hold me.
_

Hey, baby.

Kurt tugs the book out of Sebastians hand and throws it aside, moving to straddle his lap. Hes
barely settled down before he grabs Sebastians face in his hands and kisses him. Its rough and
needy, Kurt swiping his tongue along the back of Sebastians teeth, biting his bottom lip until its
plump and fisting a hand in his hair so he can tug at the strands as does whatever he wants with
Sebastians mouth.

Sebastian is so caught up in kissing him, he doesnt realize Kurt is tilting sideways, falling onto his
back on the couch and dragging Sebastian down on top of him. The second theyre horizontal,
Kurts kisses slow down, settling into a series of softer pecks against Sebastians lips, the corner
of his mouth, his jaw.

Bad day? he asks as Kurt shifts to give Sebastian enough room to lie down behind him. Once
hes settled, Kurt presses his back up against Sebastians chest and drags his arm around drape
along his waist. Im taking that as a yes, Sebastian says as Kurt lays a palm over Sebastians
hand.

Bad is an understatement.

You want a cheer up blow job? Sebastian asks, slipping his hand down to brush along Kurts
crotch.

Kurt grabs it and pulls it back up to his waist. Later.

My offer to punch off Troys front teeth still stands you know, Sebastian says, his smile pressing
into Kurts skin as he kisses the side of his face.

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Tempting, Kurt says, leaning back into the touch. But I want to break them on my own, thanks.

Do you want to talk about it? Sebastian asks in a softer tone.

Kurts silent for a second, fingers tracing back and forth along the back of Sebastians hand. Not
right now, he says in a quiet voice. His face turns back so his nose is brushing Sebastians
cheek and he breathes in deeply, his body losing some of its tension. Right now I just want you
to hold me.
_

Sebastian felt restless the whole day, desperate to get back to Kurt and talk to him. He skipped
going to the gym after work and headed straight back to the apartment, cursing every minute he
got stuck in traffic. When he finally made it through the front door, he found Kurt standing in the
kitchen, his back turned to Sebastian. There was a strong smell of chocolate in the air which
made Sebastian stop in his tracks just to inhale the warm, sweet scent.

Kurt hadnt noticed him come him, the sound of his footsteps drowned out by the electric mixer he
had whirring. Sebastian made his way over to him but stopped in his tracks once again when he
caught sight of the cake on the kitchen island, raspberry filling oozing out slightly from the
corners.

Sebastian smiled; chocolate raspberry cake was his favorite.

It was also Kurts go-to sorry cake. He made it when he knew hed messed up and wanted to
make amends with more than just words. Usually, it led to an evening of lots of wine and lots of
conversation where Kurt grudgingly admitted hed been an idiot and Sebastian agreed with him
followed by lots of sex. It was one of Kurts foolproof ways of gaining Sebastians forgiveness.
Just looking at the cake right now made Sebastian want to forget the crap of the past few days
and call it even but he held himself back from marching up and wrapping his arms around Kurt
from behind. He had no idea if Kurts intentions were actually to apologize or if hed been just
been in the mood to bake. Did he even know this cake was Sebastians favorite?

The sound of the mixer cut off and Kurt turned around, licking a smudge of frosting from the tip of
his finger. He jumped a little when he saw Sebastian standing three steps away from him. Youre
not supposed to be home for another two hours, he said.

Sebastian shrugged. I skipped going to the gym today.

Kurt nodded slowly. Oh,

Smells good, Sebastian said, nodding towards the cake.

Thanks its uh - its not finished yet. I still have to frost it.

I can see that.

Its for you, Kurt said almost shyly but his eyes were fixed squarely on Sebastians face.

Sebastian grinned. I know.

Kurt looked a little surprised, You do?
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So Sebastian had been right - Kurt had no idea what the cake really meant, just like he had no
idea what smoking meant for Sebastian. Oddly enough, Sebastian found he didnt mind Kurts
lack of information frustrating this time. It was actually kind of endearing.

Why this cake? he asked as Kurt picked up the bowl of icing and put it on the island.

I had a feeling youd like it, Kurt said with a shrug.

Sebastian smirked as Kurt started to frost the cake. His subconscious knowledge of things was
still just as amusing as it had been before. Sebastian was hungry, and the sight and smell of the
cake make his stomach grumble weakly but there were more pressing matters at hand.

I think you promised to tell me about all the shit thats been going on with you lately, he said.

Let me finish frosting this, Kurt said. Go change your clothes and Ill -

No, Sebastian said, taking hold of Kurts wrist and turning him around. I want to talk now.

Kurt set down the knife in his hand and sighed, obviously sensing that Sebastian wasnt going to
let this go. Can we at least sit down first?

Sebastian followed Kurt to the couch, swiping some dripping raspberry filling from the side of the
cake as he went and sucking the finger into his mouth. Kurt sat down, tucking his legs underneath
him as Sebastian shrugged off his jacket, undid his tie and popped open the first few buttons of
his shirt. It was with the intention to loosen up a bit but by the time he sat down, Kurts eyes were
wide, lips shining as if hed just licked them.

For a moment, Sebastian thought Kurt was going to surge forward and kiss him again, the
thought wasnt completely unwelcome but instead, Kurt said. I quit.

Sebastian blinked a couple of times. What?

Nicole was in her office today and I went inside and told her I was quitting my job.

Wait, wait - why the hell would you quit your job?

Kurt sighed, tearing his eyes away from Sebastians face to look out the window. Because no
company is going to wait months for an employee to pull himself together, his voice cracked a
little towards the end despite his attempt to sound strong and Sebastian shifted closer on instinct.

You could have gone back whenever you were ready, you didnt have to quit, Sebastian said
incredulously.

Kurt shook his head. Its not fair to block this job from other people who deserve it and who can
do it better than I can right now.

Sebastian stared at him at a loss for words. On one hand he was relieved that the madness of the
last three weeks would come to an end but at the same time, he could see how the decision had
affected Kurt and this wasnt what Sebastian had wanted at all. Hed wanted Kurt to take things
easy, not completely give up a job he loved. Before he could say anything, Kurt took his hand and
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twined their fingers together.

You were right, he said. I have been pushing myself too hard. I was working day and night and
barely thought about anything other than the color palette for the clothes I was studying but - I
needed the distraction. These past few weeks have been way too confusing and if I had just sat
down and let myself get caught up in all these random bursts of emotion, I would have cracked.

You could have talked to me, Sebastian said for what felt like the hundredth time. No matter
how hard it was, I would have tried to help.

I thought about it, Kurt said in a low voice. But when you started to ignore me, I couldnt help
thinking that youd given up.

Given up on you? Sebastian asked incredulously.

Kurt nodded. That youd thought I wasnt worth putting the effort in anymore.

Are you crazy? Sebastian asked, shaking his head. I was mad at you. I kept putting in all this
effort and you did nothing in return. I wasnt giving up, I was fighting. I wanted you to fucking
notice that I wasnt the same -

I did, Kurt said. But I just - he dropped his head into his hands and took a deep breath. I finally
started remembering stuff about you again but most of it was horrible. It was hard to not get mad
at you when your voice in my head would constantly be criticizing and making fun of my designs
and the actual you would keep telling me to stop working because it was of no use. It made me
want to punch you, he looked up at Sebastian and shook his head. You have no idea, he said,
sounding tired. The memories come so suddenly and theyre impossible to stop and I get
everything mixed up. Youve seen me when I have my flashbacks - its intense. Logically, Id
know that youve grown from the guy who spilt Coke on my sketches because he was annoyed I
wouldnt go dancing with him but I still wouldnt want to be around you but it still made me angry.

Why do you always remember us fighting? Sebastian groaned, leaning his head back and
staring at the ceiling.

Well we seem to do that a lot. Fight, I mean.

Sebastian tilted his head to look at Kurt and found him smiling a little. There was something about
Kurt right now that made him appear more - real than he had in a long time. Maybe it was the
knowing glint in his eyes as he remembered the countless times theyd started bickering over
nothing just for the sake of it. Maybe it was just the fact that they were having an actual
conversation after so long.

So basically, you locked yourself away because you were mad at a younger version of me,
Sebastian said lightly.

Most of the time, yes.

What about the other times?

I have a life outside of you too, you know. Kurt said but his words were soft, pleading for
Sebastian to not take them the wrong way. There were other things that I needed to come to
205

terms with. Things about myself and - his thumb started to swipe back and forth along the inside
of Sebastians wrist as if he was suddenly nervous. Sometimes I just needed to be left alone.

Youd cry, Sebastian said, not missing the surprise and panic on Kurts face. At night, when you
thought I was asleep.

I - Sebastian waited for him to say something more but Kurt only bit his lips and continued to
look torn between something.

Kurt if were being honest with each other, might as well do it properly.

I dont want you to make you upset, Kurt said quietly.

You wont.

Kurt regarded him for a long moment before he took a deep breath and said, Ive been
remembering Blaine.

Sebastian had no clue why the words surprised him so much. Blaine had been a part of Kurts life
- a big part - of course Kurt was going to remember him eventually. But the thought hadnt even
crossed his mind every time hed seen Kurt sitting with his expression far away. Hed never
guessed that of all the things Kurt could be thinking about, hed be thinking of Blaine.

What about Blaine? he asked calmly.

Fighting with him, singing with him, flying out to New York to surprise him on Valentines Day his
freshmen year - the most random things. Kurt wasnt looking at Sebastian, staring instead at a
spot on the opposite wall. Sebastian didnt know what to say. It started the night after I watched
our wedding video - the one he narrated. Kurt continued. I guess it unlocked all those fantasies
in the back of my head where Id dreamed of getting married to him. His eyes flickered up to look
at Sebastian quickly, gauging his response. Sorry, he said quickly, turning away. I didnt mean
for it to sound like that. Its just - its complicated. Id remember things about him and no matter
how hard I tried, I couldnt remember you. And when I finally started to, it was stuff that made me
want to hate you. It didnt help that you werent talking to me anymore and so every time I
remembered Blaine I kind of slipped more and more into that frame of mind.

The laundry room suddenly made sense - how Kurt had thrown himself at Sebastian, I love you.
Remember that - and then this morning. I need you to keep me in the moment. Hed been trying
to pull himselfout of that mindset, trying not to let himself get sucked into his memories and
Sebastian hadnt been helping. To be fair, Kurt hadnt been trying very hard either but Sebastian
couldnt help feeling like there was more he could have done himself without needing Kurt to tell
him. Hed been too caught up in his own pain and over thinking things to read what Kurt needed.
Maybe theyd both been silently screaming at each other this whole time.

I loved him, Kurt said in a low whisper. And remembering all those things about us - it was like
falling in love again and losing it all over. Kurt finally raised his eyes to look at him and when his
thumb moved over Sebastians knuckle, he suddenly became aware of how their hands were still
connected. Sebastian, you had every right to be mad at me - and thats exactly what Sebastian
has been saying to himself all this time - that he had the right to ignore Kurt just as hard as Kurt
was ignoring him, that he could act cold and indifferent and it wouldnt matter because Kurt was
doing the same thing with him. But looking at Kurt now, Sebastian felt nothing but a hot throb of
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guilt at his actions.

Kurt - he started but Kurt cut him off quickly.

No, please let me finish. he said. I dont blame you for being mad. Maybe if Id told you why I
was acting the way I was sooner you wouldve understood but like I said before, its hard to put all
of this into words sometimes. Kurt shifted so his knees were brushing the top of Sebastians
thigh. I was insensitive, Im sorry. But I wasnt lying when I said that I love you. Its the only thing
Ive ever been sure of. Even when I hated you at the beginning, I knew if there was one thing I
could trust it was how much I must have loved you to choose this life with you and thats whats
been getting me through. I kept trusting that I could mess up but youd still love me.

I will, Sebastian said, his voice suddenly hoarse. I always have.

Kurt looked down at their hands again. Remember what I said about you being the one who
keeps me from losing my mind? he looked up just in time to see Sebastians affirming nod. This
morning, it was like being close to you made everything else go quiet. And all I could feel or hear
was you. I wish Id reached out to you to you sooner, he ducked his head again, smiling as he
shook his head. Wouldve made staying grounded in reality so much easier.

Sebastian pulled his hand free of Kurts grip and reached out to cup his face, pulling him in so he
could bring their mouths together. Kurt exhaled slowly through his nose, hand fisting in the collar
of Sebastians shirt as he shifted to settle in his lap.

Sebastian felt oddly...numb. Like his brain was refusing to fully process everything Kurt had said
in the last few minutes. He didnt feel anything when he thought of how Kurt must have woken up
countless nights expecting to see Blaine next to him and feeling disappointed when he saw
Sebastian instead. He didnt want to think about that.

But there was still a nagging insecurity in the back of his mind, quiet under the wet sound of their
lips meeting again and again and the soft nosies falling from Kurts lips every few seconds but
definitely there. An insecurity that had been rooted in him since Kurt asked for Blaine after waking
up.

It was that insecurity that made Sebastian break their kiss, look Kurt in the eyes and ask, Do you
trust me?

Kurt looked a little dazed, breathing heavily as he stared down at Sebastian. What? Yes, of
course.

Sebastian slipped his hand beneath the hem of Kurts shirt, sliding his palm up his spine again as
he leaned in to kiss the curve of Kurts neck. He could see the confusion on Kurts face give way
to understanding as Sebastians palm slid higher just like that morning, bunching Kurts t-shirt in
the process. Sebastian wasnt going to ask him if he was okay with this, he trusted Kurt to tell him
if he wasnt. So when Kurt didnt say anything, Sebastian took that as permission to tug the shirt
over his head and toss it aside.

Pale, creamy skin - so, so familiar. Sebastian barely had time to run his hand along the front of
Kurts chest before Kurt was leaning back in, eyes locked on Sebastians as his hands slipped
down to work at the buttons of his shirt. They kissed again and it felt different. It felt - why did the
world real keep coming back to Sebastians head? He hated it. It was like his brain was saying
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everything with Kurt before this hadnt been real but there was just something about the way Kurt
was touching him, his hand brushing the skin along the waistband of his pants as he tugged
Sebastians shirt free - sure and steady instead of hesitant like it probably should have been that
made Sebastian feel like none of this felt new to Kurt.

Kurt pushed Sebastians shirt off his shoulders hastily, letting it catch at his elbows. Sebastian
was about to shake it off the rest of the way when Kurt broke his mouth away from Sebastians
and bent to press his lips to Sebastians right shoulder cap. It was that press of wet lips against
his skin that made the word real suddenly make sense.

This gesture was something only his Kurt ever did and judging by the look on Kurts face when
Sebastian tilted his head to look at him, it wasnt just a coincidental kiss. The tip of Kurts nose
was distinctly red like he got when he was about to cry. Sebastian touched his cheek, aiming to
angle his face so he could kiss him but Kurt only opened his mouth and pressed it firmer against
Sebastians skin.

Kurt, Sebastian said softly. Kurt kept his eyes closed as he kissed a path up along Sebastians
neck to the back of his ear where he kissed the single freckle tucked behind the lobe. Another
favorite spot of Kurts. One which he spent hours of the early morning devoted to kissing and
licking. Kurt. Sebastian said again, gently pulling Kurt away from him to look at him. Kurts eyes
were damp, his whole face flushed pink and Sebastian forgot what he was about to say. He
ended up kissing Kurt slow and deep, cupping his jaw and sliding his tongue into his mouth where
the lingering taste of cream cheese frosting on Kurts tongue mixed with the raspberry filling on
his own and it was perfect, in more ways than one.

Oh god, Kurt said when they broke apart, lips stretching into a smile as he dropped his forehead
against Sebastians. I just realized what the cake meas.

Sebastian grinned and pecked Kurt on the lips. It means the best things.

Kurt shook his head, still smiling but he started to stand up. Sebastian felt his heart sink,
disappointment and hurt settling in the pit of his stomach but it only lasted until Kurt held out his
hand to him and smiled reassuringly. Sebastian breathed a sigh of relief and took his hand,
dragging himself off the couch, shirt falling off completely in the process.

The walk to the bedroom seemed to take forever. Sebastian wasnt even aware his feet were
moving at all. His eyes were fixed on Kurts naked back, the feeling of his hand encasing
Sebastians. Once they were in the bedroom, Kurt pushed Sebastian onto the bed and climbed
on top of him, bare chests pressing together. Sebastians head spun a little at the weight of him,
familiar and comforting and everything hed been craving.

Kurt seemed sure of everything he was doing, from the way he was slowly thrusting his tongue in
and out of Sebastians mouth to the way his hands started to work on the button of his pants.
Confident, easy movements - practiced, familiar. His hand slipped past the waistband to brush
over the line of his cock through his underwear and Sebastians whole body arched with the
touch. Kurt smiled, holding Sebastian down with a palm pressed flat to his chest as his hand
moulded to the shape of him. His eyes closed, breathing slowing down to long, even inhales and
exhales as if he was soaking in the moment. Sebastian wanted to know what he was thinking so
badly.

Look at me, he said and Kurt opened his eyes immediately, staring down at Sebastian like he
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was seeing him for the first time in ages. For a second they just stared at each other until Kurt
squeezed his hand and Sebastian jerked, leg kicking out underneath Kurt and teeth sinking into
his bottom lip at how fucking good it felt.

Kurts expression changed, a slow smirk spreading across his lips. I hope youre going to last
until we both have our pants off, he said.

Shut up, Sebastian said as Kurt peeled his pants down and discarded them. Its been fucking
forever and I you have no idea how much I need you right now.

I think I do, Kurt said, fingers dancing along the length of Sebastians erection through his
boxers.

Sebastian rolled them over, Kurts hand flying up to grip his shoulders as his back hit the mattress
before Sebastian slanted their mouths together. Kurt hummed as Sebastian tore his mouth away
and started to kiss his way down his chest, movements gaining urgency with every salty slick
press of lips against Kurts skin. The taste of him was addictive and Sebastian lapped it up like it
was a drug.

Kurts hand threaded through his hair, the flush on his cheeks spreading down his neck and torso
as Sebastian continued to kiss lower. When he pressed his mouth against Kurt through his
underwear, Kurt gasped, fingers tightening in Sebastians hair. Sebastian tugged his boxers down
hastily, not even getting them past Kurts knees before he ducked in and licked a thick stripe up
the underside of Kurts cock.

Oh my god, Kurt gasped above him.

The weight of Kurt in his mouth felt perfect, an ache finally being relieved. Sebastian closed his
lips around the head, sucking with gentle pressure and tonguing beneath the ridge just like he
knew Kurt liked.

Sebastian, Kurt said, tugging at his hair. Seb.

Sebastian felt a fresh wave of affection at the nickname. He pulled back, licking his lips before he
dragged them down the side of Kurts cock, turning his face to kiss that tender spot on the inside
of his thigh. Kurt sighed above him, fingers flexing in Sebastians hair as he sunk his mouth down
him again.

No, wait - he breathed, tugging at Sebastians hair until he looked up at him. Its not enough.
Which Sebastian found a little offending because he had Kurt as deep as he could possibly get.
Kurt laughed when he saw Sebastians expression and dragged him back up so their bodies were
pressed together from the chest down. I want you closer, idiot. he said, craning his neck up to
kiss him. The tips of his fingers slipped beneath Sebastians boxers, brushing over the top of his
ass in a teasing drag. Sebastian pressed back into the touch, sparks of electricity lighting up his
veins.

Kurt pushed the offending item away, kicking his own underwear off completely in the process
and wrapping his legs around Sebastians waist. Their cocks slid together, slicked by precome
and sweat and - Oh, Sebastian moaned, Oh fuck. Both of Kurts hand came up to cup
Sebastians jaw, and he was still grinning when their mouths met. The kiss was sloppy this time,
overpowered by the growing, needy heat pooling at the base of both their spines.
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Sebastian snaked a hand beneath Kurts neck, lifting his head up slightly so he could kiss him
deeper just as Kurt reached between their bodies to wrap a hand around both of them. His grip
was loose but so, so perfect and it was all Sebastian could do to not thrust into the circle of his fist
and come from the drag of their cocks and the heat of his hand alone.

Kurt eased them into a rhythm, guiding their movements with rolls of his hips. Sebastian went
with it, feeling helpless to do anything but follow Kurts lead. He didnt care how he got off, just
that it was with Kurt and they were so close and damn it, hed missed this closeness so much. He
wasnt aware hed been mouthing along the side of Kurts neck until Kurt squirmed beneath him
and oh that did wonderful things for their cocks.

Stop licking my neck, he said, sounding amused.

Sebastian didnt move away. Ive fucking missed you okay.

I think your sentence order is-mm-a bit wrong. Kurt said, rolling his hips harder, faster. Isnt it
supposed to be you missed fucking me?

Sebastian did pull back at that, staring down at Kurts face with surprise. Kurt looked relaxed and
amused even if his whole face was flushed and sweat was beading on his forehead. For a
moment it was easy to forget there was anything different about him. He was staring at Sebastian
with the same mixture of love and lust he always did, a glint of playfulness in his eyes.

Kurt, Sebastian said in a strained voice, his balls tightening with every thrust. Fuck. I love
you. Ive missed you, Ive missed this.

Kurt brought his free hand to cup the back of Sebastians head and he pulled him down into
another sweet kiss. Sebastian came a few seconds later, jaw going slack and body shuddering as
he spilled white streaks onto Kurt's stomach. He felt a burst of irritation when he realized Kurt was
still hard and aching between them. This was supposed to have been about Kurt -
making him feel good, not getting caught up with what hed wanted for himself.

Limbs feeling too heavy, Sebastian pushed Kurts hand away and replaced it with his own. He
smeared his thumb along the head of Kurt's cock, sticky with his own come before moving his
hand in a perfect down-up stroke. It took only a few similar strokes until Kurts neck stretched
back and he came with a quiet sigh, hands grappling at Sebastians forearms.

Sebastian wiped his hand on the sheets as Kurt came down from his high, settling on his side
beside him and pushing back a few strands of sweaty hair on his forehead.

Kurt smiled up at him, eyelids drooping slightly. Sebastian, he said softly, almost another sigh.

Kurt, Sebastian said in reply, a smile tugging at the corners of his own mouth.

You look - clearer.

And you sound drunk, Sebastian teased, not allowing himself to get his hopes up too much over
thinking of what Kurts words meant. Over thinking hadnt done much for him lately.

I love you, Kurt said, cupping Sebastians face and stroking a thumb down his cheek.
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I love you too,

I love you more than anyone.

I know, Sebastian said with a grin that was more smug than it should have been.

Thank you for putting up with me for so long, Kurt said quietly as Sebastian kissed his temple.

There was so much Sebastian wanted to say in reply but it was easier to lean down and kiss Kurt
instead. Their kiss was drenched with post orgasmic laziness but Sebastian still pressed into it,
grateful, sated and so unbearably happy.

I'll stay with you forever.

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Part 37
Kurts dreams that night consisted of wet mouths and hot bodies pressing, grinding and sliding
together. He felt like he was losing his mind. Every time hed get close to the edge, Sebastian would
back off with his patented smirk, slipping away into the foggy haze and leaving Kurt a helpless,
frustrated mess.

He skipped from one setting to another. One moment, hed feel how he was tied down, the silk
scarves digging into his wrists as he tugged at them, Sebastians mouth around him, sending shivers
through his spine and the next second, hed be in a familiar club, lights dancing off faceless bodies as
he pressed Sebastian against a wall in a darkened corner and kissed him until he couldnt breathe.
Then there was the image of Sebastian tied to the bed, staring up at Kurt with lust clouded eyes, lips
swollen and chest heaving as Kurt rode him with slow, deliberate rolls of his hips.

Kurt wasnt sure how it was possible to jump so quickly through fantasies yet still feel like every single
one of them lasted forever. It was delicious torture. Right up until the moment he found himself in a
familiar but unrecognizable room with the uncomfortable feeling that something was wrong. It took him
a while to figure out that the problem lay in the fact that the body he was curled around and thrusting
in rhythm with was too small, hair too curly, skin too tan. Realization washed over him like a wave and
the surroundings suddenly become clearer - a cramped dorm room littered with hastily discarded
clothes, a stuffed bear clutching a heart lying amidst a pile of jeans - and Blaine. Face down on the
mattress, moaning softly, warm and pliant.

Kurt - fuck. Right there - Kurt stopped moving, his head spinning and body burning with heat,
desire, guilt. Blaine turned his head back to look at him with a confused frown. Why the hell are you
stopping?

Kurt couldnt form a reply. He tried to pull out, move away but Blaine rolled his hips up insistently,
burying Kurt deeper inside of him.

Fuck, Kurt Blaine breathed. I love you so much.

Kurt felt his heart clench and stomach swoop with the familiar jittery happiness that he used to feel
whenever Blaine told him that. His hips stuttered, body reeling on the edge of an orgasm. He came as
he woke up, back arching and cock throbbing in his briefs.

For a few seconds, Kurt could do nothing but stare at the ceiling, willing himself to regain control of his
breathing. His body felt loose and tight at the same time; boneless with his release and tense with the
guilt coursing through him. The room was dark, a thin strip of moonlight streaking through a slit in the
blinds. It was probably hours before dawn. When Kurt turned his head, he found Sebastian sprawled
out on his stomach next to him, fast asleep. Hed forgone his normal nightly attire in favor of sleeping
naked since hed insisted the formalities were unnecessary. He looked innocent in his sleep, peaceful.
Kurt felt a fresh wave of guilt, accompanied by a sickness in his stomach and a throb in his temple at
the sight of him.

He reached out and touched Sebastians shoulder, curving his palm to the shape of it and soaking in
the feeling of his sleep warm skin. Sebastian didnt move, not even when Kurt leaned in and pressed
his lips to his cheek. Pushing away the dream felt easier this way, with Sebastian real and solid next to
him but when Kurt tried to shift closer, the stickiness in his underwear made his face twist in discomfort
and the image of Blaines flushed face came crashing back to his minds eye.

Kurt grit his teeth and took a deep breath, fighting the buzzing that had started up in his ears. He
212

needed to breathe. He couldnt breathe here.

Quietly, he slipped out of bed, grabbing a clean pair of underwear and some clothes as he went. He
was halfway to the bedroom door when he turned back and went to his bedside table. The drawer
creaked slightly when Kurt slid it open but he managed to find his wedding band easily. Sebastian
snuffled in his sleep and turned onto his back when Kurt shut the door behind him, but he didnt wake
up.
_

Kurt stayed on the roof for hours, doing nothing but staring out at the city and breathing deeply, his
fingers constantly twirling the ring in his hands. He tried to block his thoughts but it was like trying to
stop a tide from crashing. This wasnt the first time hed dreamt about Blaine - hed been dreaming
about him constantly for the past few weeks. But this was the first time they had been doing anything
that didnt earn a PG-13 rating.

He was desperate for the quiet calm that had settled around him last night after talking to Sebastian,
for the feeling of completeness that hed got when they both lay wrapped around each other
afterwards. But at the moment all he felt was guilty and helpless and there was no way hed be able to
look Sebastian in the eye for at least a couple of days.

You know if youre going to leave a guy in the middle of the night, a heads up would be nice.

Well, not looking at him wasnt really an option, was it?

Kurt turned around to see Sebastian making his way towards him in a pair of shorts and slippers, hair
a wild mess and eyes still sleep heavy. He barely had time to wipe discreetly as his tears before
Sebastian was hoisting himself up to sit on the ledge with him.

Howd you know I was here? Kurt asked.

I had a feeling, Sebastian said. Youre lucky I didnt start freaking out when you werent in the
apartment.

Sorry, Kurt said. I just needed some fresh air. It was too hot down there.

Im sure it was, Sebastian said with a smirk. At Kurts frown, he added. Guess what I saw in the
bathroom? Kurts heart sunk at the thought of the soiled boxers hed thrown aside without thought but
Sebastian apparently, seemed to find the whole thing hilarious. If you were horny, you could have
woken me up, he said, leaning in and dropping his gaze to Kurts mouth. We could have gone for
round three.

His words only made Kurt guiltier and he pushed Sebastian away when he tried to kiss him. Stop it,
he muttered.

Sebastian moved back, but barely. Whats up? he asked, voice softer.

Kurt looked down at his hands, twirling the ring in circles again. He was tempted to say nothing and
follow Sebastian back to bed but the sensible part of his brain knew that hiding this from Sebastian
would only make things worse. But god - how was he supposed to explain to his husband that hed
just had a wet dream about his ex boyfriend?

Kurt? Sebastian prompted. Whats going on?
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His heart thudding, Kurt whispered, I had another dream about Blaine.

Sebastian stared at him, still confused. So?

I had a dream about Blaine, he said slowly, keeping his eyes on Sebastians and hoping desperately
that Sebastian wouldnt make him explain any further.

Hed got his point across apparently because Sebastians lips parted and he leaned back, blinking a
couple of times until all traces of sleep disappeared. Oh, he said, looking away as if not sure how to
respond. His grin had disappeared, replaced by a crease between his eyebrows and a little twist to his
mouth that Kurt instinctively knew was indicative of how Sebastian was upset but was trying to hide it.

I was dreaming about you first, Kurt said, sounding helpless. It just happened. Im so sorry -

You werent thinking about him though, right? Sebastian asked.

What?

Blaine. You werent thinking about him when we were having sex. Or afterwards? You didnt wish it
was him?

How could you even think that? No. Of course not.

Then I dont really care. Sebastian said with a shrug like that solved everything.

You dont care that Im having sex with him in my dreams? Kurt asked, quirking an eyebrow.

Sebastian laughed, No.

Kurt had expected to be relieved by Sebastians easy acceptance. Instead, he felt only more wound
up. How are you so okay with this all of a sudden?

Its not like you can control your dreams, Sebastian said. And you did say you were dreaming about
me first. Kurt turned away from him again, shaking his head at how messed up everything felt in his
mind. Sebastian was staring at him quietly and from the corner of his eye, Kurt could see how he was
frowning again. This is bugging you isnt it?

Of course its bugging me Sebastian, Kurt said, just barely suppressing the urge to roll his eyes.

Kurt, if youre feeling guilty over a stupid dream -

It wasnt just a dream, Kurt said, ducking his head down and gripping his ring tightly in between his
thumb and forefinger. Im pretty sure it was a memory of some kind. There was this stupid bear on the
floor I remember buying him from the airport gift shop when I went to surprise him for Valentines Day.

Okay, so it was a memory. It was still something you couldnt stop - Kurt, he forced Kurts gaze back
to his. Stop beating yourself up over this.

Look I appreciate what youre trying to do but -

Im not trying to do anything, Sebastian cut him off, reaching to tug the ring out of Kurts grip. Kurt
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fought the sudden lump that rose in his throat when Sebastian took his left hand. He was a hopeless
romantic, he always would be and something about the way the moonlight was bathing Sebastians
face in a soft glow as he slid the ring on Kurts finger was incredibly romantic. Sebastian stared at their
hands for a long moment, his face contemplative before he met Kurts gaze with a firm expression. As
far as Im concerned, youre mine, he said, his voice deep and comforting in a way that made Kurts
body curl towards him. And as long as you want to be mine, Im not going to let some stupid dreams
convince me otherwise.

Kurt finally relaxed, his shoulders slumping as he let out a deep breath and squeezed Sebastians
hands. Well its not like you stopped fighting even when I didnt want to be yours, he said with a
small smile. Youre pretty insistent.

I dont like having my things taken away from me, Sebastian said with a grin, sliding down from the
ledge. He stepped in between Kurts parting thighs, bracketing his arms on the ledge on either side of
Kurts waist. Besides, its not like Im a stranger to sexy dreams about other people.

Really? Kurt said, raising an eyebrow.

You dont remember all my fantasies about Nathan? Youre in a lot of them, he said as he leaned in
to capture Kurts lips. Kurt lost himself in the kiss for a few seconds, feeling the buzzing in his ears
quieten down until it rushed up again with the image of a tall, brunette boy with large eyes and an
Australian accent. He cupped Sebastians jaw and pulled away, fixing him with a questioning gaze.

Wait, Nathan as in the lead singer from Ourselves Nathan?

Sebastian grinned. So you do remember.

Kurts head spun with the knowledge, with the sudden images of kneeling next to Sebastian on the
bed as Sebastian touched himself and elaborated on the fantasy hed been having about Kurt fucking
Nathan on their dining table and - Oh my god, Kurt said with a helpless bout of laughter. Nathan.

So are we even now? Sebastian asked, wrapping an arm around Kurts waist and pulling him off the
ledge. Kurt wanted to point out how there was a huge difference between dreaming about a celebrity
and dreaming about your ex-boyfriend especially when that dream was more of an intimate memory
than a fantasy but Sebastian was grinning at him, dragging his knuckles along Kurts back and Kurt
was more than ready to let go of this night.

I guess, he said.

Great. Now if were done here Id like to go back down and get some sleep because I have to be up
for work in less than four hours.

Youve woken up easily with less, Kurt said as they started towards the stairs. He loved how he could
pull examples from the top of his head without straining to remember. For all the things that were still
blocked in his memory, it felt so easy to remember Sebastian, even if most of the incidents were just
fuzzy recollections rather than detailed flashbacks.

Well in that case, Sebastian shot Kurt a grin over his shoulder as he opened the apartment door and
the second they were both inside, he spun Kurt around and pinned him to the door. You should tell
me more about those dreams you were having of me.

Not going to happen, Sebastian, Kurt said, sidestepping him and toeing off the sandals hed worn up
215

to the roof.

Why not? Sebastian said, following him into the bedroom as he stripped his clothes and threw them
aside.

Because Ive already come three times tonight and I dont think I can again.

Sebastian didnt seem to take that as a sufficient excuse. He grabbed Kurt by the waist and fell onto
the bed with him, throwing a leg over his hip to keep him from squirming away. Kurt didnt fight him.
This felt easy, this felt familiar and natural and he moved without thinking, curving an arm under
Sebastians shoulder and threading his hand through his hair.
__

Oh hey, Kurt says, voice thick and croaky from sleep when he feels the bed dip. Its dark and if he
had the energy to open his eyes, hed see that the digital clock on his side table reads a quarter past
two.

Sebastian slides in to press his body along Kurts back, smelling strongly of alcohol but beneath that,
he's all clean sweat and fading cologne.Hey, he says, slurring a little.His lips are turned up in a smile
when he kisses Kurts neck.

Have fun? Kurt asks, melting into the embrace when Sebastian circles an arm around his waist. He
doesnt mind Sebastian having his own life, his own friends and he hadnt been upset when Sebastian
called to cancel their plans for dinner because he wanted to go out with a bunch of guys from work.
But having Sebastian come home to him at the end of the night is something he still looks forward to
even if he doesn't wait up. He can never quiet sleep as peacefully alone now that he's so used to
sharing a bed with Sebastian.

Mm, Sebastian starts to mouth along Kurts neck, hand sliding around Kurts waist to rest on his
stomach. You shudda come too.

Drinking with a group of pretentious lawyers isnt really my thing.

Sebastian ignores him and nips at his jaw before sucking a kiss over the bite. You awake enough for
some fun of our own?

Kurts not. Not really, hes already half asleep but before he can say that, Sebastian is muttering
something and shifting away from Kurt to fumble with the cushions near his hip. Someone had a good
time without me, he says when he finds the dildo Kurt had forgotten to put away. He sounds equal
parts amused and upset at having missed out on the fun.

I wasnt going to wait around for you to come back, Kurt says with a half shrug, turning away and
closing his eyes. Its your own loss.

Fuck, Sebastian says, throwing the toy aside and moving to wriggle out of his clothes before sliding
back in. Did you imagine it was me? he asks as he gently pushes Kurt so hes fully on his stomach.
Did you wish it was my cock in you?

Kurt hums when Sebastian drapes himself over his back, the weight of him warm and perfect. Hes
really sleepy and the soothing kisses Sebastian is trailing along his shoulder blades arent helping
keeping him awake.

Kurt, Sebastian says when he doesnt reply. I asked you if you were thinking of me.
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course I was, Kurt mumbles, pressing his cheek into the pillow and letting out a quiet sigh when
Sebastian kisses the dimple on his back.

I wish I could have been here to see you. Sebastian moves back up, lips pressing against the nape
of Kurts neck as he uses his knees to nudge his thighs apart. You look so fucking hot when you
touch yourself.

Mm.

Did you watch that video we made? he asks. Kurt smiles at how pleased Sebastian sounds at the
prospect.

Yes, he manages to say even though his tongue feels heavy. Its worth the effort because Sebastian
lets out a low growl and ducks forward to angle Kurts head so he can kiss him.

Fuck thats so hot, he says. The kiss is messy and awkward from this angle but Sebastian is
apparently too drunk, or too horny to care. Kurt can feel his erection sliding against the back of his
thigh as Sebastian slowly ruts against him. From what seems like far away, he hears the click of a
bottle cap being opened and a second later, two slicked fingers circling his hole. They slide in easily,
his muscles still loose from the hour hed spent slowly fucking himself. Kurt, Sebastian breathes,
pressing his forehead to Kurts back. Kurt, fuck, Kurt. Youre so hot baby. Youre so fucking hot.

And you are so fucking drunk, Kurt thinks with a smile.

Sebastian manages to slide into him with one smooth thrust and the second hes buried fully inside of
Kurt, he moans loudly - loud enough to jolt Kurt into opening his eyes. He cant bring himself to feel
frustrated though because Sebastian whispers, I love you and starts to grind his hips against him in a
way that even Kurts sleep fogged mind cant ignore.

He lets himself ride the intermingled waves of sleep and pleasure, smiling into his pillow when
Sebastians hand finds his and tangles their fingers together. Hes rambling something against Kurts
skin, probably variations of how hot he thinks Kurt is and how much he loves him and though Kurt
doesnt register any of them, he feels the warm glow seep into his bones with every vibration of the
words against his body.

He doesnt know who comes first, just that he does at some point, fingers tightening around
Sebastians as his toes curl and his body goes lax with pleasure. Its not like the orgasms hed given
himself, its sweeter, spreading through him slowly and making him sink further into the mattress.

I love you, Sebastian whispers when he collapses onto his back next to him. Kurt cant be bothered
by the stickiness on the sheets, or by replying to Sebastian. He doesnt have to. He musters up
enough energy to turn over and settle against Sebastians side, kissing whatever warm patch of skin
his lips find before he drifts off to sleep once more feeling sated and loved.
_

Can you drink? Sebastian asked over dinner two nights later. They were at the same hole in the wall
Italian place where theyd had dinner with Burt. Sebastian had met Kurt there straight from work and
while he didn't look as sharp as he did in the mornings, the sight of him with his collar button undone
and tie loose was a constant distraction for him. And for the teenage girl to their left if the blush on her
cheeks and the smitten glances she kept shooting Sebastian were any indication.

Drink as in alcohol? Kurt asked.
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What else?

Kurt hadnt felt the need to take his medication since hed quit work. He spent most of his time
wandering around the city - there was still so much to see - until he settled down at Roasters with a
sketchpad and let his hand flow. He hadnt made much progress, but it had been soothing to work
without the pressure of impressing anyone or meeting any deadlines. Even though his head was as
clear as it was going to get what with random memories jumping out at him at various points of the
day, he wasnt sure if alcohol would be the best decision.

I think its best if I didnt, he said after a moment. Intoxication isnt really going to help keep my head
on my shoulders.

Not even a little bit?

Why, are you in the mood to get drunk? Kurt asked, with a small smile.

Not drunk. Just. Im in the mood to loosen up a bit, its Friday night. He leaned back in his chair and
stretched slightly in a way that made the shirt he was wearing go taut around his shoulders in the most
delicious ways. Whats the harm in one drink?

Kurt was about to reply when he caught the girl staring at Sebastian with her lips parted and cheeks
now a flaming shade of red. It was then that he noticed Sebastian was flexing his arms a bit, smirking
even though his eyes were fixed on Kurt, patiently waiting for a reply. Kurt shook his head fondly as
the girl turned away to take hasty gulps of water.

You knew she was staring at you,

I dont know who youre talking about.

Oh you know exactly who Im talking about, Kurt said with a grin. That poor girl.

Ill just gave her a month's worth of wet dreams. Sebastian said with a smug smile. His face turned
serious and he sat up straight again, losing his interest in putting on a show. So - where do we stand
on going to Jack's?

I have no problem with going, Kurt said with a shrug. I just dont want to drink.

Fair enough, Sebastian said with a sigh, motioning for the bill.

Kurt noticed the girl follow them when they stood up but he didnt think much of it. Not until they were
at the door and she very purposefully walked straight into Sebastians back. Oh, god sorry! she said,
fumbling over her words when Sebastian turned to look at her. I was texting my friend and I didnt see
... she trailed off at the grin Sebastian flashed her.

Its okay, sweetheart.

Be careful next time, Kurt said to her when they stepped outside. I had a friend who fell into a
fountain because she was texting while walking.

The girl blinked, looking away from Sebastian to Kurt. What? she sounded annoyed at the
interruption.
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I said you might want to be more careful next time, Kurt said in a sharper tone, his previous
amusement at her crush dissipating at the glare she was giving him.

Yeah whatever, she muttered before giving Sebastian another quick smile and disappearing in the
opposite direction.

Kurt stared after her, shaking his head. She did that on purpose.

Sebastian ignored him and said, Tell me more about this friend who fell into a fountain.

You dont know? Kurt asked with surprise. It was Tina. Back in high school, I think she was
shopping for props or something at the mall.

And she just fell into a fountain while texting?

She wasnt looking at where she was going. Tripped.

Oh, Tina Blowin Wang, Sebastian said fondly, shaking his head. I always did like her.

It was only when they entered the bar that Kurt realized how easily the memory of Tina falling into the
fountain had come to him. He remembered nothing about what happened afterwards or when exactly
in high school this had happened but still, hed remembered. And without actively trying to.

He felt giddy when he sat down on the stool next to Sebastian, so caught up with himself he didnt
notice that Sebastian was sliding a glass over to him with a smirk on his face. A Shirley temple with
extra cherries for Kurt. Kurt looked from the drink to Sebastians face and shook his head as the
memories of that night at Scandals came back to him. They were clearer than anything else he was
remembering lately, closer to the time frame hed woken up in and he was willing to bet anything
Sebastian had ordered this drink on purpose.

Fuck you, Kurt said, still grinning. You were such a jerk.

And you were so freaking uptight, Sebastian said, shaking his head as he picked up his own glass
and took a sip. Thank god youve loosened up over the years.

Though Kurt could recall similar nights where they had sat around at this very bar just drinking and
talking with each other or with a group of friends, it felt like a whole new experience all the same. He
loved watching the way Sebastians skin flushed as he got progressively drunker, how his whole body
seemed to relax and the way he leaned closer to Kurts side. It was when Sebastian almost slid off his
stool from laughing so hard that Kurt decided hed had enough for one night.

Okay, he said, shaking his head at the bartender when Sebastian motioned for a refill. Thats
enough for you.

Sebastian looked like he was going to protest but halfway through narrowing his eyes at Kurt, his
expression changed. I have to pee, he said suddenly and got up. Kurt watched him make his way
towards the bathrooms with a laugh and pulled out his wallet.

Your boyfriend? The bartender asked. He was new Kurt noticed. Or maybe he wasnt but judging by
how Kurt had recognized the rest of the staff, he had a feeling he was right.

219

Husband, he said as he placed the bills on the counter. The word sent liquidy warmth spreading
through him, right down to the tips of his toes. He was a bit surprised at how much he enjoyed saying
it. His ring seemed to flare with heat, making its presence felt on his finger. Kurt hadnt removed it
since the night Sebastian had slid it on his finger.

The bartender smiled and scooped the bills up, moving down to serve another customer. Kurt leaned
forward on his stool, stirring the melting ice cubes in his glass as he waited for Sebastian to come
back from the bathroom.

Can I buy you another drink, gorgeous?

Kurt looked up in time to see a man sliding in to take Sebastians vacated stool. He was about Kurts
height with striking green eyes and stubble lining his face in a way that gave him a roguish charm.
Definitely easy on the eyes. Thanks, Kurt said with a smile. But Im married.

The guy didnt seem shaken by this information. If anything his grin grew wider, more confident. That
didnt stop you last time.

220

Part 38
Kurts smile froze in place. Im - Im sorry?

The man grinned, leaning his elbow on the bar and propping his chin on his hand. You look
surprised to see me.

Who are you? Kurt asked, not even bothering with trying to remember himself. His mind
was going into overdrive like it often did when he was confronted with something particularly
shocking from his past. He was imagining a hundred different scenarios that would explain
the identity of this person and his previous statement. Maybe they had met on a night when
Kurt had been pissed at Sebastian and let this guy buy him drinks just to spite him. Maybe
the drinks had led to a few too hot too close dances and some groping and god - he hadnt
cheated. He wouldnt have cheated.

Right?

The mans grin wavered and a crease appeared between his eyebrows. Um, Kurt, he said,
expression flickering between amusement and confusion. Its Chandler.

Nothing jumped out at him with the name like Kurt had expected but somewhere in his mind
he knew this Chandler - whoever he was - wasnt a threat. Well, he wasnt much of a threat
because Kurt still felt distinctly uncomfortable under his curious gaze but something was
telling him he was harmless. He still wished Sebastian would come back and help him out
here, at least hed feel a bit more at ease with him nearby.

Chandler was now rubbing at the stubble on his chin with a self conscious expression,
eyeing Kurt unsurely. I mean I know I havent shaved in a few days, he said with a small,
nervous laugh. But come on sweetie, you cant forget me that easily.

It was the endearment and the familiar, easy way it had been said that made Kurt stiffen
even more. How do we know each other? he asked sharply.

Is this a joke? This is a joke, right? Chandler said, looking around the bar like he was
expecting a swarm of people to jump out with cameras before turning back to Kurt. Or have I
just accidentally come across your twin who just happens to be called Kurt? When Kurt
didnt smile or reply, Chandlers face became even more distressed. Okay maybe your
drunk sweetie, or maybe you just think this is funny but youre actually scaring me Kurt -
Kurt remained silent, trying to place Chandlers name and face with the hazy images in his
head. It was apparently too much of a test on Chandlers patience because he slid to his feet
and said, Im going to go okay?

Thats probably the best thing to do right now, Kurt said, watching the way Chandler ran a
hand through his hair, messing it up and letting it flop onto his forehead. He looked like he
wanted to say something but he was staring at Kurt like he was going to explode any second.
In the end, he just nodded, cast one last wary look at Kurt and left, bumping into a young
couple on his way out.

221

Oh man, a voice said from behind him.

Kurt spun his stool around to face Sebastian. Where the hell were you?! he demanded. I
was beginning to think youd drowned yourselves in the toilet.

I was enjoying the show, Sebastian said, tugging on Kurts arm and pulling him to his feet.
His face - he gestured towards the door through which Chandler had just disappeared. -
was the most entertaining thing I have seen all week.

Kurt rolled his eyes as they stepped out but a second later, he found himself asking, Wait so
you know him?

Everybody knows Chandler, Sebastian said, wrapping an arm around Kurts waist and
leaning on him. Hes annoying as fuck.

Who is he?

Some friend of yours, I dont know. Hes crazy.

Were friends? Kurt asked, suddenly feeling guilty at the thought of the panicked look on
Chandlers face. I thought Id cheated on you.

What, with Chandler? Sebastian snorted and dissolved into laughter. Oh god, baby you
can do so much better than him. Besides, its not me you cheated on. Kurt wanted to ask
him what he meant by that but Sebastian leaned down to place a sloppy kiss on his cheek
and Kurts train of thought was broken by a wave of disconnected images of him helping a
handsy, drunk Sebastian home so many times in the past.

Kurt smiled and tucked his hand it into the back pocket of Sebastians slacks. Youve
certainly managed to loosen up, he teased.

You know what would have been even better? Sebastian said. If wed gone dancing. That
would have been awesome. We havent been to Pulse in ages.

Kurt didnt have to ask to know Pulse was the club they frequented. Oh god, no. He said,
shaking his head. I cant even imagine the headaches Id get with all the thumping music.

Sebastian pouted a little until his face broke into a grin. Well then I have a better idea. he
said, eyes shining with excitement. He leaned over, his mouth brushing Kurts ear and it was
up to Kurt to maneuver them through the crowd without crashing into other pedestrians.
When we get home, Sebastian whispered, You should spread me out on all fours, tie me
to the bed and then fuck -

Sebastians cell phone started to ring. He broke off, looking irritated as he stared down at
himself like he was expecting his phone to present itself. Kurt laughed as Sebastian drew
back to take his phone out of his front pocket, looking more irritated by the second. He huffed
when he saw the caller ID and Kurt heard him mutter Fucking cockblocker before he was
raising the phone to his ear and saying What? in lieu of a greeting. Yeah, he continued
222

after a pause. Thats because were not home, idiot. Whoever was on the other line said
something that made Sebastian frown. Wait - wait, slow down. God, I cant understand a
word youre saying, he sighed, leaning even more on Kurt. Look, killer. Well be home in a
bit okay? Just hang in there.

Was that Blaine? Kurt asked when Sebastian shoved his phone back into his pocket and
readjusted his grip on Kurts waist. Sebastian nodded. What happened?

Tyler happened. Sebastian said with a sigh.

Whos Tyler?

A long story.
_

Blaine was sitting with his back to their apartment door, legs spread out in front of him when
they got back. Finally! he said, scrambling to his feet when he saw Kurt and Sebastian.

Hi, Kurt said, not quite meeting Blaines gaze as fumbled for his keys. They hadnt spoken
in a while, mostly Kurts own doing. Being around Blaine had become a lot harder once he
started remembering things about their shared past and this time around, hed chosen to
deal with it on his own. Blaine hadnt been pushing for contact either though, hed been fairly
MIA himself come to think of it. Kurt was probably going to find out why soon enough.

Who let you into the building? Sebastian asked, leaning against the wall while Kurt
unlocked the door.

Mrs. Conners, Blaine said. She was coming home from the grocery store and saw me
banging on your intercom.

She just let you in? Kurt asked as he pushed the door open and stepped inside, flicking on
a few lights in the process.

Of course she did. She knows me. I helped catsit for her once.

Kurt raised an eyebrow but was immediately distracted by Sebastian tripping over the shoes
near the door and almost crashing to the ground. Sebastian giggled when Kurt wrapped an
arm around his waist to steady him. Whoops.

How drunk is he? Blaine asked, frowning at Sebastian.

I think hes pretending to be drunker than he is. Kurt said, staring firmly at Sebastian and
trying not to smile at the wide grin Sebastian gave him in return.

Well I need booze. Blaine said, rubbing his forehead. Lots of it.

He started towards the kitchen with confident familiarity as Kurt dragged Sebastian towards
the couch. Dont touch any of the expensive stuff! Sebastian called after Blaine. Everything
223

else - knock yourself out. He collapsed onto the couch with a small oof. Kurt moved to
unlace and remove Sebastians shoes but halfway through, Sebastian grabbed his arm and
pulled him up so Kurt collapsed against his chest. Kiss me, he said suddenly, voice low.

Wheres this coming from? Kurt asked.

Just kiss me Kurt, Sebastian demanded impatiently. He grabbed the back of Kurts head
and pulled him down into a messy kiss that lasted only for a few seconds but left Sebastians
face flushed pink when Kurt moved back. Mm, good. he mumbled before slumping back
against the couch and letting Kurt remove his shoes.

Kurt shook his head and set the shoes next to the couch. He stayed on his knees though,
between Sebastians spread legs, staring absently at the way Sebastians shirt had come
untucked. He was stalling, he knew he was. But it felt safer here, it felt easy to pretend it was
just the two of them and Blaine wasnt grumbling to himself about some guy named Tyler in
their kitchen.

Kurt didnt want to think of who Tyler was. Blaine had told him he didnt have a boyfriend,
there had been no mention of Blaine dating anyone in the past few weeks and now out of
nowhere, this Tyler figure had appeared. Kurt felt cheated and lied to but he tried to hold on
to his emotions until he heard the full story.

Please tell me he didnt just pass out.

Kurt swallowed and stood up, turning to find Blaine nursing a beer and staring accusingly at
Sebastian. No, Kurt said. Hes very much awake.

Mmhm, Sebastian hummed He reached out and grabbed a fistful of Kurts shirt at the small
of his back, dragging him down onto the couch next to him. Kurt collapsed against the
cushions and barely had time to adjust himself comfortably before Sebastian was shifting,
stretching his legs out and plopping his head in Kurts lap. Once he was settled, he turned his
face towards Blaine and his voice was much more sober and compassionate than before
when he said, Now in slow, clear words - tell me what the fuck that asshole did this time.

Blaine didnt answer right away. He looked at Kurt and asked, Do you know who Tyler is?
Kurt shook his head. Blaine sighed, looking almost - disappointed? Well Im sorry I dont
really have the energy to explain right now so do you mind if I just dived right in with him? he
gestured towards Sebastian.

Kurt, ignoring the sting he felt at Blaines words, nodded. Yeah. Sure. Maybe Ill catch up
along the way.

Great, Blaine said with a tired nod. He looked at Sebastian again and took a deep breath
before saying, He came back.

There was a pause. Kurt looked from Blaines face down to Sebastians in his lap. Both boys
were frowning in silence and Kurt wanted to claw his eyes out with his need to know what
was going on.
224


_

Kurt, are you even listening to me?

Theyre in a shop - Kurts holding up a gorgeous red and blue sweater, feeling the softness of
it on his fingers and imaging how well itll fit on Sebastians shoulders. Of course I am, he
says, turning the price tag and grinning at the discounted price.

And?

And I think youre rushing things, Kurt says simply. Blaine. Youve known Tyler for what -
two months and youre already planning on proposing to him. Its insane.

I love him.

Kurt looks at the sincerity on Blaines face and sighs. Its too soon. You barely know the
guy.

Youre one to talk. You fell in love with Sebastian barely two weeks after you started dating
him.

Wed known each other for six months before that, not counting our time in Lima which is
much more than you can say for yourself and Tyler.

Blaine huffs in frustration and runs a hand through his hair. Look, I really like this guy.

I know, Kurt says softly. But really liking the guy is not exactly the strongest reason to
propose to him. This just reeks of another Gap Attack, sweetie.

Blaine scowls at the reminder and Kurt can see the defensive set to his jaw when he says,
Tylers nothing like Jeremiah.

They certainly share the same head of hair, Kurt comments with a laugh.

Kurt, can you please be serious here for a second?

I am serious. Im seriously telling you that youre making a mistake - what do you think of
this sweater? Sebastian always look great in bl - hey, where are you going?

To find a friend who doesnt give shit advice!
_

When? Sebastian asked.

Blaine took a swing of beer. This morning. Showed up at my doorstep like nothing had
happened. He was still wearing his ring.

225

The fucker, Sebastian murmured.

He said hed needed time to figure things out -

Bullshit.

Thats what I said. Blaine shook his head, gripping his bottle tighter. And thats not even
the worst part. He thinks were still engaged since he didnt actually break up with me.

Sebastian snorted. Really? Dropping off the face of the earth for three months with no
contact didnt count as breaking up?

Blaine shrugged and swirled his finger along the countertop. Apparently not.

_

I just dont understand why you would do that, Kurt says, shaking his head as he squeezes
some shampoo into his hand.

He wanted someone to support his crazy decision, I did.

Why? Kurt says, working the shampoo into his hair. Why the hell would you encourage
something that is obviously going to do nothing but hurt him?

Because he needs to make this decision for himself, Sebastian says with a shrug, wrapping
his arms around Kurts waist and kissing his wet shoulder.

Kurt elbows his chest and pulls free of his grip. Were his friends, Sebastian. Were
supposed to be helping him. Not encouraging him to dive face first into a death trap.

Stop being so dramatic, Kurt. Sebastian says with a sigh. Blaines a big boy. If he wants
Tyler, let him have Tyler. You remember how many people tried to tell you I wasnt good for
you? he leans forward again, mouthing at the nape of Kurts neck where the last traces of
shampoo have just been washed away. And how you didnt give a shit about what they
said?

Kurt rolls shoulders, trying to squirm away. I should have listened, he says with a roll of his
eyes.

Sebastian brings a slippery hand to his waist and holds him steady, grinning against his skin.
But you didnt, he teases. And look how well that turned out for you.

Kurt turns around, sighing as he wraps his arms around Sebastians neck. I guess it could
have been worse, he says with a smile.
_

Kurt listened to Blaine explain Tylers attempts at justifying his disappearance but he was far
too busy mulling over the past to concentrate properly.
226


Tyler. Tyler Warsaw. Hed been a DJ at Pulse where hed met Blaine for the first time thanks
to Kurt and Sebastians excellent wingman skills. Kurt tried to remember details but all he
could recall was Blaine wanting to get laid - had it been his birthday?

How Blaine had gone from wanting a simple, fun one night stand to a full long term
committed relationship - a marriage proposal, for gods sake - in the span of two weeks was
way beyond Kurts comprehension.

But then again, this was Blaine. Blaine who had sang a love song to a guy hed met for
coffee twice at his workplace, who thought Sebastians aggressive flirting had
been harmless, who had given Kurt a promise ring less than a year after they had started
dating.

Blaine, Sebastian said, his voice suddenly cautious. Please tell me you didnt forgive him.

Of course not! Blaine said. How stupid do you think I am?

Sebastian didnt look convinced. Do you want to forgive him?

Blaine drained the last of his beer and stood up, I need something stronger.
_

He said what?

Yes! He said yes!

Kurt looks over at Sebastian where hes got a game controller in one hand a can of Diet
Coke in the other. He catches Kurts eye and nods his head questioningly.

Kurt? Blaine says from the other end of the line. You still there?

Y-yeah, Kurt says, walking over to Sebastian feeling shaky on his feet. Im here. Thats -
thats good.

Good? Im getting married dummy - its fucking fantastic!

Kurt manages a small laugh and leans into Sebastian, dropping his forehead onto his
shoulder as Sebastian continues to play his stupid game. Im really happy for you.

Sebastian around? Blaine asks.

No, Kurt lies. Hes taking a shower.

Sebastian turns his head to look at him with raised eyebrows but Kurt pinches his side and
he turns back to his game.

Dont tell him. I want to surprise him with the news when I come over tonight.
227


Great, Kurt says. Thats about the only reply he can manage right now. He hangs up and
drops the phone on to the couch before looking at Sebastian. Tyler said yes.

Well, fuck. Sebastian says, pausing the game and turning towards Kurt. Didnt see that
one coming.
_

Kurt felt like he had melted into the background after a few minutes. He found his hands
threaded through Sebastians hair, gently crawling back and forth along his scalp while
Blaine and Sebastian talked. Sebastians eyes were drooping like they did when he was very
tired but Kurt could see the effort he was making to stay awake and listen to Blaine. Kurt
didnt know whether he felt relieved or upset over the fact that Blaine was completely
ignoring him, not even trying to seek out any advice from him.

_

Whats going on? Kurt asks when he comes home to find Blaine asleep on their couch and
Sebastian watching him with a sympathetic expression on his face.

Oh hey, Sebastian whispers, standing up and making his way towards Kurt. He takes the
garment bags from Kurts hand and leans in to kiss the corner of his mouth.

Whats wrong? Kurt asks in a low voice, looking at Blaines sleeping form.

Theres a pause where Sebastian follows Kurts gaze and sighs. Tyler left, he says
eventually.

What? Kurt asks, eyes widening.

This morning - he just disappeared. Didnt leave a note, wont answer his phone - hes
just...gone.
_

Blaine, you know what you should do? Sebastian said when he finally sat up. Fuck him.

Yeah, thanks. Blaine said with a roll of his eyes.

No, Sebastian said. I actually mean fuck him. Give him the best sex of his life and then
dump his sorry ass. That, my friend, is going to be true payba-whoa. He crashed back down
to the couch after attempting to stand up too fast.

Easy, Kurt said, gripping his forearm.

Seb, Blaine said with a sigh, rubbing his forehead. Fucking Tyler is the last thing I should
be thinking about.

What you should be thinking about is getting some sleep, Kurt said finally. You look
228

exhausted and in some serious need of rest. Blaine looked at him properly for the first time
that night, his eyes full of sadness and a longing for something Kurt couldnt place? He didnt
dwell on it too much. I assume youre crashing here tonight?

Of course he is, Sebastian said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Blaine nodded. Yeah Ill just crash on the couch.

We have a guest room, Kurt reminded him. Although you might have to clean up a bit
because Ive been using it as a home office lately.

No problem, Blaine said, avoiding Kurts gaze as he stood up. Im going to go use the
bathroom,

Sebastian slumped against Kurts side as Blaine stumbled into the hallway. Poor guy, he
mumbled.

Yeah, Kurt agreed.

Hell make it through, Sebastian said, getting to his feet again, slower this time. He held out
a hand to Kurt who was still sitting, gripping both his knees and said softly, Come on.

Blaine said goodnight to them as they passed him coming out of the bathroom in the hall. If
you need anything, let me know. Kurt said to his back as it headed further down the hall to
the guest bedroom. Blaines hair was sticking up at the back of his head and his shoulders
were hunched. He barely mumbled a reply before the door shut behind him. Kurt frowned
after him for a moment before following Sebastian into their bedroom.

Sebastian was standing in his briefs and fumbling with the buttons on his shirt. The rest of his
clothes lay in a pile on the floor that Kurt would pick up before he went to bed. Sebastian
huffed and dropped his hands, looking at Kurt with an exasperated expression. Help?

Kurt smiled, making his way over to Sebastian and slowly unbuttoning his shirt for him.
Sebastian wrapped an arm around his waist, holding him close even after hed finished.
How crappy a friend would I be if I asked you to fuck me with Blaine next door? he asked,
nosing at Kurts temple.

Pretty crappy. Kurt said.

But Im really glad to have you here with me right now, Sebastian said, stepping back to
shrug his shirt off. He let it fall to join the rest of his clothes and pulled Kurt on to the bed with
him. Kurt, he said, turning them both on to their sides and throwing a leg over Kurts hip to
hold him closer. Fuck me please.

He sounded like a child asking for an extra cookie. Kurt was reminded suddenly of how
innocent Sebastian could be when he was drunk, even if he was horny as fuck. It sent a
wave of affection through him and he turned his head to kiss Sebastians cheek, letting his
lips remain against the warm skin as he said, Not tonight.
229


Please? Sebastian asked again, rolling his hips up gently. Kurt, it wont make us bad
people.

Wont it?

It wont, Sebastian insisted. We can lay off tying me to the bed -

But that was the best part -

- until next time. Sebastian said, rolling his hips up harder now. Just fuck me tonight.
However you want.

Kurt stared at the pleading look on his face, the quiet need and gave in with a press of his
mouth against Sebastians. Sebastian ended up on his stomach, muffling his moans into the
pillow as Kurt fucked him with fast, determined rolls of his hips. He felt slightly guilty, closing
his eyes against the wild pleasure of having Sebastian squeeze around him so tightly, so
perfectly while his best friend lay miserable not ten steps down the hall. But Sebastian lifted
his head back, letting out a soft sigh when Kurt thrust in deep and held himself there, filling
him up completely and Kurt lost himself in the look of utter contentment on Sebastians face
and the thought that he was the one who put it there.

I never want to forget what this feels like, Sebastian whispered.

Kurt knew this wasnt just Sebastian saying he wanted Kurt to fuck him harder, it went
deeper than that, right down to the fear Sebastian had carried around the whole week Kurt
had been unconscious. You wont lose me, Kurt said, turning his face to kiss behind
Sebastians ear. I promise you wont lose me.

The words made him think of Blaine for some reason but then Sebastian was turning on to
his back, causing Kurt to slip out of him in the process. He pulled Kurt down to bring their
mouths together, kissing Kurt like he was drowning and clinging on for dear life. Surprised by
the sudden desperation Kurt could feel in every line of Sebastians body, Kurt kissed him
back as gently and reassuringly as he could.

Kurt, Sebastian breathed, skimming his lips along Kurts jaw and down to his neck. Im
really glad you didnt leave me. Kurt didnt say anything. Instead, he readjusted their
positions, hooking Sebastians legs over his shoulder and thrusting back in with one smooth
push of his hips. Sebastians neck snapped back, head digging into the pillows. Oh fuck!

Quiet, Kurt hissed, slapping a hand over Sebastians mouth. Sebastians eyes grew a bit
wider and Kurt could feel his lips stretching into a smile beneath his hand. He tilted his head
to the side, regarding Sebastian silently for a second before he smiled, realization trickling in
slowly. Youre an endless book of kinks, arent you?

Sebastian might have tried to say something but it was muffled beneath Kurts hand and cut
short by Kurt picking up the speed of his thrusts. He reached between their bodies and
wrapped a hand around his cock as Kurt continued to fuck him and it took only a couple of
230

rough strokes before Sebastian was coming, shuddering beneath him. It was only after hed
slumped back against the pillow with a sated grin and Kurt was still fucking him that he
realized he was nowhere near close to coming. He was still hard and watching Sebastians
face contort with pleasure had spread a white hot string of desire through his whole body but
he still wasnt feeling the building urgency at the base of his spine.
Come on, Sebastian urged him, gripping Kurts hips and guiding his movements.

Kurt squeezed his eyes shut and thrust harder, hair falling forward into his eyes. After a few
seconds of trying to regain that delicious teasing heat that would push him over the edge, he
stopped moving.
Maybe it was because he could no longer push away the guilt of focusing on his own
pleasure when Blaine was so close. Maybe he was too distracted by Tyler. Either way, he
didnt have the energy to keep going. He fell forward onto Sebastians chest, not caring about
the drops of come that were drying there.

Whats wrong? Sebastian asked as Kurt panted against his neck.

I dont think its going to happen tonight, Kurt said.

No, no - dont say that, Sebastian said, pushing Kurt off his chest and onto his back. Here,
Ill ride you.

Sebastian, Kurt said weakly as Sebastian moved to straddle him, Dont.

Sebastian stared at him silently for a few moments. Why?

Kurt pressed rubbed a hand over his forehead and sighed, feeling his erection start to wane.
I dont need it, he said, tugging Sebastian down next to him and curling his body closer.
Well have plenty of time for more orgasms over the weekend.

Sebastian looked upset but he wrapped an arm around Kurt and let him press himself closer.
Fine. Your loss.

Its not a complete loss, Kurt said, kissing the side of Sebastians neck. I still got to make
you come.

Mm. That was fun, Sebastian said, trailing his knuckles down Kurts spine. He fell asleep a
few minutes later, chin hooked over Kurts head. Kurt slipped out of his grip quietly, knowing
sleep was another thing far out of his reach for the moment and began gathering up their
discarded clothes. The room was heavy with the smell of sex and the sheets were a
complete mess. Not using condoms was a convenience they had apparently started a year
ago after Sebastians insistence to bareback but it definitely made things messier.

He pulled on his briefs and was just about to go settle on the loveseat with his sketchbook
when there was a crash from outside. Making sure Sebastian was still asleep, Kurt left the
room and followed the sound of muffled curses into the kitchen. Blaine was on his knees,
swiping at the mayonnaise spattered on the floor half heartedly with a tissue.

231

What are you doing? Kurt asked.

Blaine jumped and looked around, eyes sweeping over Kurts figure once before he turned
back to the floor. Kurt was suddenly aware of how he was standing in nothing but a pair of
briefs and he crossed his arms over his chest, trying not to feel self conscious. Blaine had
seen him naked after all.

Not the best reassurance, a voice in his head said.

I was hungry, Blaine said, getting to his feet and throwing the sodden tissue into the bin.
Trying to make myself a sandwich.

He leaned against the counter and closed his eyes, rubbing his face and looking so small.
Kurt felt a wave of protectiveness for him. Here, he said, stepping forward. Go sit down, Ill
make something for you.

You dont have to, Blaine said.

I want to. He suddenly remembered how dirty his hands were. There was no way he was
going to touch food like this. Give me minute, Ill be right back.

Blaine was pressing a glass of water against his forehead when Kurt came back from the
bathroom. Hed found a pair of Sebastians sweat pants hanging on the hook behind the door
and deciding it was better than walking around in his briefs, had pulled them on. Blaine
however didnt seem to like the sight of them because the whole time Kurt made him a
sandwich, he continued to glare at the kitchen counter, taking small sips of water.

Here you go, Kurt said, sliding the plate across to him. Do you want anything else?

No, Blaine said shortly. Thanks.

Kurt watched him eat in silence for a few seconds, his heart breaking for him. Blaine, he
said when Blaine continued to ignore him. Is there a reason youre avoiding me?

Maybe I should be asking you that, Blaine said.

Kurt knew he should have seen that coming. Im sorry, he said. I was dealing with a lot of
things. I should have at least called. When Blaine didnt say anything he added, a little
defensively, You didnt make much of an effort either you know.

I was busy too, Blaine said. If you havent noticed, I dont have a nice little husband to help
me out when I have a problem.

Kurt wanted to feel angry at his sniping but he couldnt, not when he knew the bitterness in
Blaines voice was stemming from hurt and insecurity.

You dont understand, Blaine says. You have Sebastian and you have me. Two people
who love you with everything theyve got. I have no one. You have no idea what that feels
232

like. Do you even remember the last time I had a proper relationship? I dont. He tears his
eyes away and bites at his thumbnail, I think you were the last one.

About Tyler, Kurt said, trying to break the silence. I think I remember him.

Good for you, Blaine said, pushing his plate away and gulping down the rest of his water.
Wish I could forget.

So not the best conversation starter then. How can I help? Kurt asked, not knowing what
else to do when Blaine dropped his head into his hands. He circled the kitchen island and
took the stool next to Blaine, laying a palm on his shoulder. I want to help. Blaine didnt
move, staying slumped against the counter. It made Kurt think of all the times Blaine would
curl into himself when he felt insecure. Blaine? he said softly. Blaine lifted his head and
looked at Kurt with wide, sad eyes rimmed red and - Chandler .

It wasnt me you cheated on.

The realization was completely irrelevant but when Kurt said, Im so sorry. he meant more
than just the fact that he was sorry for Blaines pain because being reminded of how hed
hurt Blaine only intensified his sympathy for the pain Tyler had put Blaine through.

Blaine leaned in to his arms and buried his face in Kurts neck. Kurt held him, silently wishing
there was some way he could fix things. They stayed like that for what felt like ages, Blaines
hard curling against his back and pulling him closer until Kurt almost slid off his stool. When
he finally pulled back, Blaine was wiping at his eyes and saying, Thanks. I really needed
that.

Kurt gave him a small smile. Im always here, he said. Even if I kind of havent been lately
but you know I would do anything for ymph.

The shock of Blaines lips on his did make him slide off the stool then. The kiss broke and
Kurt didnt get a chance to say a single word before Blaine was rambling, Oh my god. Im so
sorry. Kurt - I wasnt thinking. Im sorry, I shouldnt have done that Im just so fucking messed
up right now and - his voice cracked, the heel of his hands digging into his eyes.

_

Did you just kiss me?

Yes?

Blaine.

Im sorry okay? Dont give me that look. And its not like Sebastian cares, hes sitting right
next to you.

Yeah Kurt, I dont care - oh fucking HELL you did not just do that! he yells at the screen,
smashing the buttons on his controller.
233


Kurt smiles and turns away from Sebastian back to Blaine. Blaines grinning but theres a
nervousness underlying it all. You did say you wanted to make me feel better, he jokes
feebly.

Kurt had said that but he stills feels uncomfortable. Why, he cant really put his finger on it.
Its not the fact that Blaine had kissed him thats making him feel awkward, its the way he
had - needy and desperate and all too familiar.

Fuck, Sebastian mutters, falling back against the couch as his characters life bar empties.
I could use one of those feel better kisses too.

Because you got your ass beaten by a computer? Kurt asks, arching an eyebrow when
Sebastian leans over his shoulder.

By someone named freakshow249 actually.

God thats even worse.

Blaine averts his eyes when Sebastian kisses Kurt, cupping his face and smiling against his
lips. Kurts eyes slip shut but in the second before they do, he thinks he sees Blaine press his
lips together and frown, like hes trying to keep from crying.
_

Its okay, Kurt said, cutting off Blaines continuous rambling. Its okay, just. Relax.

Blaine shook his head. Im still a little drunk.

More than a little, Kurt said with a gentle smile. Come on, lets get you to bed.

He didnt know why he followed Blaine into the bedroom and watched him flop onto the
mattress. But when he had needed Blaine to be there for him when he was confused and not
thinking straight on that roof, Blaine had been there. Kurt wanted to return that favor right
now. He blamed the ache in his chest that had been making him feel things stronger than he
should on the memories hed been practically re-living the past few weeks.

Kurt sat down on the edge of the bed and reached out to brush a few messy curls away from
Blaines forehead. You okay?

Blaine shrugged. I guess.

Kurt scratched his scalp lightly, smiling when Blaine sighed and pressed his cheek into his
pillow and gave him a soft smile in return. Later, when he slipped back into his bed with
Sebastian, he couldnt get the picture of Blaines smile out of his head.

Hey, Sebastian mumbled, cracking his eye open when he saw Kurt. Blaine okay?

Kurt was surprised Sebastian had noticed his absence; hed been out cold a second ago.
234

Yeah, he said, reaching out and tracing his fingers over Sebastians jaw. Hes okay.
_

Okay! Okay! Kurt - truth or dare?

Truth, Kurt says, glaring when the group boos and shouts BORING!

Stella has a grin on her face though and she waves her hand to calm everyone down before
she says. Okay. Then Kurt - if this house catches fire and you can only save Blaine or
Sebastian, who would you save?

Thats a stupid question, Kurt says.

No, no no. Stella says, shaking her head. Come on Kurt. You can only save one of them.
Whod you save?

Kurt laughs and takes a swing of his drink, savoring the sweet taste on his lips as he turns to
grin at Sebastian but he finds his husband staring back at him with a serious expression. Kurt
frowns, looking past him to where Blaines sitting with an equally serious expression, staring
pointedly at the bottle in the middle of their little circle. Suddenly feeling uncomfortable, Kurt
turns away and back to Stella.

Thats not how the questions work, he says.

Fuck it. Its my birthday. I can change the rules if I want.

Kurt sets his cup down and shifts uncomfortably, feeling everyones eyes on him. This isnt
funny Stella, he says in a low voice. The game has suddenly gone from a fun to something
that is putting him under bright lights with a question he cant answer without hurting one of
the two people he loves most.

Clocks ticking Kurt!

Sebastian and Blaine are unnaturally still and silent and Kurt wants to slap both of them. He
wants them to be grinning and joking and nudging each other, not waiting silently for his
answer like it actually matters. Dont they know hed give his life for both of them? How is he
supposed to choose who hed let die in a fire? Something tells him the answer should be
simple, that the ring on his finger should signify who hed always pick in these situations that
but he knows and hes pretty sure all his friends in this room know its not that simple. Blaine
and Sebastian both mean so much to him in so many different ways. His love for them
stretches and threads together into something inseparable built on years of needing them
and having them need him. If they were burning, Kurt would probably just choose to burn
with them.

Im not answering.

Thats cheating! Stella says. If you dont answer, you have to cut holes into the sleeve of
that jacket you wore here.
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Thats Marc Jacobs and it cost 500 dollars! Kurt exclaims.

All you have to do is pick a name. Stella says with a shrug. Kurt wonders how a perfectly
sweet girl can turn into the devil with a couple of drinks in her.

Kurt huffs and looks at Sebastian for some help but all Sebastian does is say, Pick a name
Kurt, in a dangerously calm voice - like hes trying not to let on how much the answer means
to him. It only makes Kurt more furious.

Ten seconds, Stella says, And then you can say goodbye to your baby! She holds up
Kurts jacket and a pair of sharp scissors.

Kurt stares at her as the group starts to count down. Eight - seven - six.

Kurt.

He looks at Sebastian, panicked and desperate.

Five - four - three

Kurt holds out his hand to Stella and says, Give me those.

When the first strip of fabric falls to the ground and the group cackles with laughter, Kurt
looks up and glares at both the boys sitting next to him. Hes relived to find them both
grinning at him. He has a feeling theyre as relieved as he is that he hasnt answered the
question.

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Part 39
The first time Sebastian woke up during the night, it was too dark to see anything but he could
still feel - the light touch of Kurts thumb tracing back and forth over his eyebrow, circling his
temple and gliding down the side of his face in a smooth curve. He smiled. Kurt must have felt the
way his lips turned up because he shifted closer, hooking his ankle over Sebastians and sliding
his fingers through his hair to cup the back of his head. Sebastian couldnt really form words, his
brain too foggy with sleep and tongue too heavy in his mouth but he managed to lift his arm and
reach out to Kurts waist, letting it thump down and rest heavily against the warm skin. He slipped
back into the realms of sleep just as Kurt tilted his head up to brush a dry kiss across his cheek.

The second time Sebastian woke up, it was because of a sharp pain in his back. A knee digging
in painfully followed by a kick to his shin and an elbow to the side of his face. Sebastian groaned,
still lacking enough energy to form proper words, in the hope that Kurt would get the hint and stop
moving. He didnt usually toss and turn this much. As Kurt liked to remind him, Sebastian was the
one who made sharing a bed a test on his patience. Kurt was a relatively peaceful sleeper in
comparison. Hed been more restless than usual in the past month because of his recurring
nightmares but that thought didnt occur to Sebastian in his current sleep heavy state. All he felt
was incredibly frustrated every time Kurt shifted and the sheets slipped a few inches lower on
Sebastians body.

He kept hoping Kurt would find a comfortable position and stop moving but eventually, after a
particularly hard kick, Sebastian had no choice but to turn over on his side so he could face Kurt
and force his eyes open in a glare. It disappeared quickly once Sebastian took in the sight of
Kurts face. The room was lighter now, just enough for him to be able to make out Kurts creased
brows, his lips parted as he mumbled nonsensical things every so often. His body jerked, a low
whine escaping his throat when Sebastian lay a hand on his sweaty cheek to try and calm him.

Kurt, he said, his voice croaky from sleep.

Kurt shifted, turning his face to trap Sebastians hand between the pillow and his cheek. No, he
mumbled. Dont leave me.

Kurt. Youre just dreaming baby.

Kurt was shaking his head slightly, mumbling something that sounded like Sebastians name.
Sebastian wondered what he was dreaming about, whether it was another nightmare or some
disturbing flashback. Whatever it was, he wanted it to stop, was overcome by the need to wake
Kurt up and assure him that he was okay. Cupping Kurts other cheek with his free hand,
Sebastian tried to gently shake him awake.

No, please. Kurt said and the wet feeling beneath Sebastians fingers told him he was crying.
Confused and now very worried, Sebastian wrapped his arm around Kurt and drew him against
his chest. Kurt was still asleep but he clung to Sebastian, fingers digging into his side and wet
cheek pressing against his chest. Sebastian smoothed a hand down Kurts back, giving in to the
urge to close his eyes because keeping them open required too much strength.

Ssshhh, its okay, he whispered, curling his fingers at the small of Kurts back and sliding a leg
between Kurts own. Ive got you.

Kurt stilled after another few minutes, his breathing slowing down and grip on Sebastians side
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loosening. Sebastian carefully adjusted their positions so the weight of Kurt wouldnt make his
arm fall asleep and let himself slip back into unconsciousness.

The third time Sebastian woke up, the room was bathed in the glow of morning sunlight and
Kurts mouth was sucking lightly at a spot on his collarbone. Sebastians eyes fluttered shut as
quickly as they had opened at the sudden awareness of his senses, the rush of heat that spiraled
downwards at the swirl of Kurts tongue on his skin. Kurt sensed he was awake and pressed one
last wet kiss to the mark that was now blooming on his collarbone before pulling back and smiling
at Sebastian.

Good morning, he said, lifting his head up to peck Sebastian on the lips.

What the hell was up with you last night? was how Sebastian responded to that.

Kurt frowned, moved to settle more comfortably on top of him. What? he asked, tilting his head
to the side and regarding Sebastian curiously.

You dont remember?

I dont remember a lot of things, youre going to have to be more specific.

Sebastian was about to tell him about the tossing and turning and crying but Kurt looked so
happy, sleep muzzled and carefree that he didnt want to ruin the moment with the reminder of
some stupid nightmare Kurt had probably already forgotten about. So he shook his head, lay a
hand on the small of Kurts back and said, Nothing.

For a second, he thought a flash of relief on Kurts face but it quickly gave way to a blinding smile
as he leaned down to capture Sebastians bottom lip between his own. The kisses were slow and
lazy, their feet tangling together and hands skimming over warm skin. Sebastians cock was
starting to take interest, trying to persuade him to pin Kurt to the bed and give him that orgasm he
owed him.

You really need a shower, Kurt said suddenly, forcing all of the fantastic images in Sebastians
mind to come crashing down. Sebastian raised his eyebrows, tilting his head to try and look at
Kurt as he ran the tip of his nose along the column of Sebastians throat, face scrunched up.

You werent complaining a second ago.

You were stinking quite as much a second ago. Kurt said coolly, sliding off the bed and getting
to his feet. Sebastian watched him head to the closet and lay back against his pillow as the sound
of hangers being shoved aside filled the room. A second later, Kurt emerged with his clothes
draped over his arm and gave Sebastian a critical look when he saw him still sprawled out across
the bed.

Are you going to stay there all day?

What time is it?

Almost 11, Kurt replied as he started towards the bedroom door.

Wait, seriously? Sebastian tilted his head and caught sight of the time in the digital clock next to
238

his bed. Sighing, he shoved the sheets off himself and followed Kurt into the hall. Blaine wasnt
awake yet and the apartment was silent as they made their way to the bathroom. Kurt didnt say
anything when Sebastian entered the bathroom with him, not that Sebastian had expected him to
- but he did make a face when he saw Sebastian lifting the toilet seat and positioning himself in
front of it.

What? Sebastian asked.

Kurt shook his head. I feel like we havent been together long enough for me to see this.

Seriously Kurt?

Kurt shrugged, hung his clothes on the hook at the back of the door and grabbed his toothbrush.
At least I dont remember enough for it to feel like that long.

His words didnt hurt like they did when Kurt reminded Sebastian how he didnt remember all their
time together. If anything, Sebastian was amused. So let me get this straight, he said after hed
pulled the flush and started towards the shower stall. Weve been together long enough for you
to come in my ass and for me to clean up your vomit but watching me pee grosses you out?

Mouth foaming with toothpaste, Kurt didnt reply. He narrowed his eyes at Sebastian through the
mirror but remained silent as Sebastian smirked and turned on the shower spray. Kurt kept
shooting him looks the whole time he went through his morning routine. Quiet, intense looks that
made Sebastian think of the previous night, the fingers tracing his face, the quiet sobs wetting his
chest and the smile hed woken up to this morning.

You okay? he asked Kurt the next time he caught him looking.

Yeah, Kurt said quickly.

Sebastian gave a nod, not entirely convinced but still managed a grin. You want to join me?

Kurt looked like he was contemplating it but he shook his head. We dont have time. Blaine might
wake up soon.

So?

So I dont want to start something I cant finish. Kurt said with a sigh.

Your loss, Sebastian mumbled, turning his face back to the spray. He heard the stall door slide
open a while later and grinned, eyes still closed when he felt Kurts arms wrap around his middle
and curve upwards. Im irresistible, arent I?

Not you. The idea of a shower. Im just here to get clean. He smirked and pulled his arms away,
reaching for his bottle of body wash but Sebastian snatched it out of his hand.

Let me help.

Nothing we cant finish, Kurt warned.

Nothing we cant finish, Sebastian repeated and promptly darted in to cover Kurts mouth with
239

his own. Kurt groaned, tried to say something which was swallowed by Sebastians tongue but
eventually gave in and wrapped his arms around Sebastians shoulders, scraping nails along his
shoulder blades.

The bottle of body wash slipped from Sebastians hand and the thud of it as it fell echoed in the
bathroom. At the same time there was a knock on the door and Blaines voice called out, weak
and tired. Kurt?

Kurt broke the kiss, turning his head to stare at the door, fingers curled against Sebastians chest.
Yeah, Blaine, he called out in an unusually high voice. Just uh - give me a minute.

Can you like - hurry? I think I might throw up.

Shit, Kurt muttered and gave Sebastian an apologetic look as he stepped out of the shower
stall. Why does this apartment only have one bathroom? he hissed.

Didnt seem like a problem when we got it, Sebastian said with a shrug.

Is Seb in there too? Blaine asked, voice muffled as if he had his face smushed to the door. Are
you guys having sex? Please tell me you are not putting orgasms before me.

Sebastian laughed and turned the water off, grabbing the towel Kurt tossed at him. Dont worry
killer. Your presence literally killed our boners.

Blaine groaned and there was a dull thump on the door as if hed just dropped his head against
the wood. Kurt pulled his clothes on hurriedly, ran his fingers through his hair to get it to look semi
decent and threw a quick look over his shoulder to make sure Sebastian had a towel around his
waist before he opened the bathroom door. Blaine stumbled in, heading straight for the toilet and
doubled over, the sound of him retching echoing disgustingly around them. Sebastian wanted to
help him - Blaine looked like crap from his wild, gel clumped hair to his stubble dotted face - but
he didnt really feel like approaching him when he was puking his guts out.

Oh Blaine, Kurt said in a small voice from behind him. He walked over to him and knelt down
beside him, brushing the messy curls out of his face as Blaines head drooped. Sebastian silently
backed out of the bathroom, trusting Kurt to deal with Blaine better than Sebastian would ever be
able to and went to get changed. When he came back out, the bathroom door was shut and Kurt
was humming in the kitchen, the smell of fresh coffee and scrambled eggs making Sebastians
stomach grumble.

Hey, Kurt said when he saw Sebastian. Blaines in the shower.

I figured. He poured himself some coffee while Kurt transferred the eggs on to a plate.

Want some? he asked.

Thanks, Sebastian said with a nod, taking the offered plate from Kurts hands. Kurt stopped him
from turning away with a hand to his forearm and without warning, leaned up to kiss him. It was a
short kiss and Kurt pulled away quickly but before he did, he pressed his forehead to Sebastians
cheek, breathing out slowly against his jaw and tightening his fingers before he let go. Sebastian
sat down on a kitchen stool with the distinct feeling that something was wrong and that it had to
do with the apparently forgotten nightmare of the previous night. He didnt want to force Kurt to
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recall something that might make him uncomfortable or cause him any sort of pain but he was
desperate to know what he had seen.

Blaine came out a few moments later, shirtless and towelling his hair dry. Look at you,
Sebastian said with a teasing grin. All bright eyed and bushy tailed.

Ha-ha, Blaine said before asking, Can I borrow a shirt? I think I got some puke on mine.

Help yourself, Sebastian said, nodding towards their bedroom. Right hand side of the closet is
all Kurt - left is mine. Id recommend borrowing something from me since whatever Kurt has is
going to be too complicated for your itsy bitsy hung over brain to maneuver.

Blaine glared at him without conviction before mumbling his thanks and shuffling back towards
the hall. Kurt, who had been silently watching him the whole time, tapped his fingers against the
side of his coffee mug and watched him go, looking like Blaines misery was solely his fault.
Sebastian stayed silent, knowing it would be of no use to ask him for an explanation of his
thoughts when Blaine was still wandering around.

Fuck you both and your tall bodies! Blaine called out from the bedroom.

Even Kurt laughed at that but he still had the decency to school his face into a neutral expression
when Blaine walked out swimming in one of Sebastians t-shirts. Sebastian continued to laugh.
Real sexy Blaine. I think you might even wear it better than I do. Its a whole new look on you.

Fuck you, Blaine mumbled again, sliding on to the stool next to him. Seriously.

Kurt passed him a tall glass of water and said, Drink. Blaine did as he was told but as soon as
he was done, asked for coffee. Kurt shook his head. Not until youve hydrated yourself properly.

Sebastian had dealt with Blaines hangovers before. The kind that were a result of some heavy
partying and the kind, like this one, that resulted from broken hearts and anger. But hed never
been quite as good as dealing with him as Kurt was - is. It was a strange feeling, watching Kurt
know intuitively what Blaine would need. It shouldnt have surprised him, Kurt was good at
knowing what people would need. He knew what his dad was thinking most of the time before he
said it, he knew when Rachel wanted to cuddle and cry or when she wanted to be left alone, hell -
he knew Sebastian like the back of his hand.

We dont have the sugary cereals you love so much but we have one with real chocolate pieces,
Kurt said, holding out a box of expensive cereal for Blaines inspection. Will that do?

Yeah. Just - please can I get some coffee?

Decaf,

Extracaf. With a shot of Courvoisier.

Sebastian grinned. Youre funny.

Youre horrible, Blaine groaned when Kurt handed him a mug of decaf coffee with a pointed
look. He took a sip, scrunched his nose up in disgust and then turned to glare at Sebastian again
as if it was all his fault. How come youre not hungover? You were pretty drunk last night.
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Blaine. You could have just sniffed that bottle of beer and youd still be as hungover as you are
right now. Sebastian teased. Trust me, I can hold my alcohol better than most. Especially you.

Blaine tried to push him away when Sebastian reached out to ruffle his hair. Sebastian thought he
heard Im not a dog mumbled somewhere in between and he grinned, only messing up Blaines
hair further. Kurt was the one who dealt with Blaine with affection and soft words. Sebastian could
never keep that up for long. He either joined Blaine in his anger and threw out random ideas for
revenge or spiralled into teasing him until Blaines amusement overshadowed his anger.

It usually worked. But this time, when Blaine pulled free of Sebastians grip, his grin faded away
much quicker than it should have, eyes dropping down to the V of his shirt. Sebastian followed his
gaze to find the hickey Kurt had given him that morning peeking out from beneath the material of
his shirt. Blaine stared at it quietly for a second before blinking and looking away, eyes searching
out Kurt who was leaning against the counter again. They shared a look, and maybe it was the
way Blaine avoided Sebastians eye for the rest of breakfast or the way Kurt kept biting the corner
of his lip, but Sebastian was smart enough to sense something was wrong. He waited until after
Kurt had left to get some groceries and he and Blaine were alone to ask him.

What? Nothing, Blaine said, staring intently at the dishes he had insisted on washing.

Then why do you look like a kid caught stealing cookies from the jar? Sebastian asked.

I dont -

Blaine. His voice was firm enough and demanding enough for Blaine to lift his eyes to meet his.
He looked nervous.

I kissed him, he said in a low voice. For a moment, Sebastian thought he was going to add
something else, an explanation, a hear me out please like he had last time hed kissed Kurt but
after opening and closing his mouth, Blaine remained silent, waiting.

Okay, Sebastian said with a slow nod. Is that it?

Youre - youre not mad? Blaine asked, eyes widening comically and glass slipping from his
fingers. Sebastian managed to catch it before it hit the floor.

No, he said honestly.

Why? Last time you -

Last time was different.

Was it?

Yes, Sebastian said. Last time, Kurt wasnt - he wasnt my Kurt. It still hurt to dismiss him like
that but there was no simpler way to put it. You kissed him on that roof knowing full well that it
was more than just a kiss, you knew how Kurt felt about you and you shouldnt have abused the
situation.

I know Im sorry, Blaine said, pressing a wet hand to his forehead. But I swear last night was
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nothing like that.

I know, Sebastian said calmly, remembering the brush of Kurts fingers on his skin, the soft kiss
against his cheek - Which is why Im not mad.

Blaine got needy when he was upset, Sebastian knew that. Sebastian himself fluctuated between
being needy and being a complete bastard to people when he was upset. Kurt remained cool and
aloof until he reached his breaking point and even then he only reached out to a select few. That
was them individually. Being in a long, committed relationship changed you sometimes, it made
you less afraid of letting the other person see you at your most vulnerable.

When Sebastians father had died, he had forced himself to act calm around his dads colleagues,
around his mom, he hadnt let any of his own pain show because not only would it have hurt his
mother to see him upset, it would have made him appear weak in front of his fathers associates.
But later, alone with Kurt, he had let himself go. Hed cried his heart out on Kurts shoulder, hadnt
cried as much in his whole life like the way he cried that night and the nights after. But there was
a sense of calm relief after hed run out of tears, the knowledge that Kurt wasnt going to think him
weak like his dads associates, wasnt going to treat him like glass that would shatter the way his
mother would have, it was okay to need Kurt to just be there, it was okay to want him to do
nothing but hold him until he was ready to let go.

And Kurt may not have remembered everything after the accident but in the nights that Sebastian
felt frustrated and helpless with Kurts coldness, he reminded himself of the first couple of days
after Kurt had woken up, how he had reached out to Sebastian and only Sebastian for comfort,
told him that he was the only one keeping him from losing his mind. Even when nothing around
him made sense, Kurt hadnt held back from showing just how much he needed Sebastian
whether it was curling up against his chest to push away nightmares or shouting and screaming
at him until the weight in his chest lifted.

Blaine was somehow needier than both of them combined and considering Kurt was the only
person he had ever fully opened up to in his life, he still gravitated towards him when he was
upset. It was something Sebastian had come to accept. It didnt bother him - much. He had his
own set of insecurities but he trusted Kurt and he trusted Blaine. A kiss planted out of desperation
and the need to be closer, to be held and comforted until the problems shrunk to a manageable
sizes wasnt something Sebastian beat himself over thinking about.

It was just - it was that damn accident. The amnesia and the stupid block in Kurts head that
refused to go away completely that made Sebastian weary of the look on Kurts face when he
was watching Blaine. And now with Blaine so emotionally breakable after Tyler and Kurt still
struggling with the eighteen year old inside of him -

Blaine, Sebastian said suddenly. Do you still have feelings for Kurt?

He could see how the abruptness of his question had affected Blaine but once hed gathered
himself, Blaine shook his head and said, No.

No?

No.

Youre...sure about that?
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Blaine nodded and met Sebastians gaze full on as if he was trying to prove how much he meant
his words. I love him but - not in that way. Not anymore.

If it was just an innocent kiss, why were you apologizing?

Because I could be, Blaine said weakly. His gaze turned guilty, apologetic. Give me the chance
and I could fall right back in love with him.

Sebastian tried not to let his feelings show. He wasnt even sure what he was feeling. Anger?
Hurt? Sympathy?

But youre not. Going to get that chance, I mean.

I know, Blaine said. Im not even going to try.

Sebastian gave a curt nod and stared at Blaine quietly as he finished with the rest of the dishes.
But what if you had gotten the chance? he found himself asking. What if Kurt never
remembered anything after the accident and we got a divorce? Would you have got back together
with him?

Blaine didnt look at him when he answered. Eventually.

Sebastian licked his lips, dug his teeth into the tender flesh of his bottom lip and dragged his
thumb back and forth along the inside of his wedding band in a silent reminder that
that hadnt happened. Of course, he said, his voice coming out clipped.

Would you have blamed me if I had? Blaine asked, raising his eyes to Sebastian again except
this time there was a hint of challenge in them.

Yes. Sebastian said firmly.

For giving Kurt what he wanted?

Sebastian gritted his teeth. Youre not who Kurt wants.

Blaines shoulders sagged even further and all of Sebastians anger drained out at the sight of
him. Believe me, he said in a weak voice. I know.

They settled on the couch after Blaine was done wiping his hands dry on the kitchen towel. There
was an awkward silence between them that neither seemed willing to break. Sebastian kept
thinking of the easy way Blaine had said eventually, of Kurts intense looks all morning and
restless tossing the previous night. The low hum of Saturday morning sitcoms filled the apartment
while they waited for Kurt to return because suddenly, without him, their usually easy friendship
seemed strained. Or maybe it was because of him.

It took Blaine drawing his knees up to his chest and dropping his chin onto his folded arms for
Sebastian to notice the drying tear tracks on his face. He felt helpless, unequipped to deal with
Blaine like this but he was Blaines friend and Blaine had been there for him when Sebastian and
Kurt had been going through difficult times early in their relationship. Just because Blaine had
admitted to a hypothetical situation where he could have back the puppy dog love from his
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teenage years didnt mean he was actually looking to break Sebastian and Kurt up.

Feeling like a shit friend, Sebastian reached an arm out and draped it over Blaines shoulders.
Blaine raised his head and wiped at his face, sniffing dismissively. Im okay, he said. Really.

The fuck you are, Sebastian said. You look like a sad cartoon.

Blaine gave him a weak smile and sighed. I dont know what Im going to do.

With Tyler?

No, with the gorgeous single men queuing up for a chance to be with me. Yes with Tyler you
idiot.

Sebastian smiled and slid his fingers into Blaines drying curls, ruffling them affectionately. Well
at least you have some of your spunk back.
_

We should go out tonight, Sebastian said over lunch. Just the three of us. He realized a little
too late that just the three of us wasnt the best idea since Blaine was bound to feel like a third
wheel even without Sebastian and Kurt acting like a couple. Or I can call some other people too,
he added quickly.

Will going out involve alcohol?

No, said Kurt.

Yes, said Sebastian.

Im in. Blaine said with a grin.

Sebastian gave a self satisfied smile of his own and looked to Kurt who was glaring at him,
shaking his head. You can be designated driver, Sebastian said to him, his voice edging on
teasing. His foot found Kurts calf beneath the table, toes wiggling against his skin enough for
Kurt to jerk and struggle to hide a smile. Come on, Kurt. Live a little. Again, he realized too late
that his words werent exactly the best fit for the current situation because while the throwback to
2011 might have been funny for Kurt, Blaine seemed to take the greater hit of the words and the
grin on his face wavered.

Seriously, Sebastian really sucked at this stuff sometimes. The whole point of this night was to
not make Blaine feel like crap because his fianc turned out to be a dick (to no ones surprise but
his) and reminding him of a time when Kurt had eyes for only him and painfully highlighting how
everything was reversed now was kind of not doing that. Kurts eyes darted to Blaine, cautious
and calculating but a second later, Blaine was grinning again, gulping down water and asking,
So where are we going?

I was thinking Pulse, Sebastian said slowly. We havent been there in ages but Kurt -

Kurts fine, Kurt cut him off.

Sebastian frowned. I thought you said the thumping music would be too much.
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Kurt shook his head and stabbed at his sweet potato with a fork. Nope, he said. Its going to be
fine.

So - Pulse? Blaine said.

Sebastian broke away from staring at Kurt to look at him. Yeah, he said with a smile. Pulse it is.
Maybe well find some cute rebound for you.

For a moment, he worried if that had been the wrong thing to say too but Blaine raised his
eyebrows and sighed. I seriously hope so.
_

After lunch, Blaine wandered back into the guest room to sleep off the remainder of his
headache. Kurt took the opportunity to pull Sebastian into their bedroom and change the sheets.
I have something I wanted to ask you, he said as he tucked in the corners of a slate sheet.
Sebastian wondered if Kurt was going to call him out on his plans to get Blaine drunk and
carefree but with the way Kurt was fidgeting as he adjusted the creases in the sheet, he had a
feeling it was something more serious.

I had a flashback of sorts last night and its been bugging me.

You mean the dream where you started crying?

Kurt paused and looked up at him quietly for a long moment before he shook his head and
grabbed a pillow. No, not that.

Then what?

Kurt walked around the bed to where Sebastian was standing and wrapped his fingers around his
forearm, taking a deep breath. Remember Stellas birthday?

Stella the chick who used to work with you? Sebastian asked.

I guess, Kurt said. I dont remember details about her but - we were playing truth and dare and
she asked me who I would choose to save between you and Blaine if the house was burning
down and -

Wait wait wait wait, Sebastian said, cutting him off. He frowned, trying to recall the night of
Stellas birthday party from the hazy, alcohol numbed memories in his brain. This is what Kurt
must always feel like, he thought when he had to strain to remember that particular round of truth
or dare. Kurt, Im pretty sure she just asked you who was a better lay.

Kurts eyebrows drew together in confusion. What?

Yeah, Sebastian said. She just asked you who was better at sex. Me or Blaine.

I - Kurt shook his head. No. I remember her asking about a burning house.

You were dreaming, Sebastian said with a shrug. Didnt you say sometimes you saw messed
up versions of memories?
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Kurt blinked and dropped his hand from Sebastians arm. Yeah but - he sat down on the freshly
laid sheets and started running his fingers in circles over the smooth cotton. I could have sworn
this was a legitimate flashback. After a pause, he looked up at Sebastian and asked, So what
did I say?

Sebastian grinned. Blaine gives better head but I win in all other departments. Kurt smiled but it
didnt reach his eyes. Blaine was happy, Sebastian continued. I was hurt. I give awesome
head. You got multiple blowjobs a day for a long time after that night.

Mm, Kurt hummed absently.

So, Sebastian said, sitting down next to him. Whod you save in your version? He felt nervous
anticipation build up inside of him like he was back in front of Kurt with a ring held out in the palm
of his hand, heart hammering in his chest and every nerve in his body restless.

I uh - Kurt swallowed hard and avoided Sebastians eye. Not a good sign. I didnt choose, he
said finally.

You didnt choose? Sebastian repeated with a frown.

I refused to answer.

Oh.

Sebastian would definitely have been lying if hed said that he hadnt been expecting Kurt to
choose him. Hearing Kurt say that hed taken the easy way out and not answered at all made
everything hurt more than it would have if Kurt had straight out chosen Blaine. He hadnt been
bothered when Kurt told him he was having wet dreams about Blaine but this was different.
This hurt.

No, Sebastian - Kurt said, grabbing Sebastians arm and pulling him back down to the bed when
he tried to stand up. I dont. You know it doesnt mean - that.

Then what does it mean? Sebastian asked calmly.

It means - I was confused. Kurt said.

Im sure not choosing to let me die was a very confusing decision, Sebastian said bitterly.

Kurts eyes flared with anger quickly giving way to tiredness. It wasnt actually. Not that. He slid
his fingers through Sebastians and slotted their palms together tightly, drawing their joint hands
onto his thigh. I woke up and I realized almost immediately that there would never be a scenario
where I wouldnt save you. he said, eyes raking over his face. I cant live without you. His voice
cracked and Sebastian huffed out a breath, saying fuck, Kurt before he cupped Kurts cheek with
his free hand and crashed their mouths together. Kurts lips moved over his furiously, tongue
licking across the pout of his lower lip, hand pulling free of Sebastians to grip his waist, slide up
his side and fit the curve of his neck.

I cant live without you either, Sebastian thought as Kurt pulled him in closer, kisses slowing down
to something softer, less desperate and more tender. I dont know what I would have done
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without you.

Sebastian, Kurt said, lips skidding to the corner of Sebastians mouth when Sebastian tried to
push him back on to the bed. Sebastian, hang on a second -

Painfully, Sebastian moved back, eyes pulled towards the wet glint of Kurts mouth and the warm
flush on his cheeks. He smiled- so thankful to have Kurt next to him and barely resisted diving
right back in to kiss him senseless because something about this memory-dream-thing had been
bugging Kurt and Sebastian was curious to know what it was. Kurt took a few, calming breaths
before speaking again. You know I love you, right?

I think its safe to say so, Sebastian said with a grin. Which is why Im surprised you didnt say
my name in your dream.

Kurt sighed, You also know how much I loved Blaine? The way I loved Blaine when we were
together? Sebastian nodded. Well, I can still feel that sometimes. That kind of love, that kind of
intensity is hard enough to forget as it is but actually having it alive and living in the only part of
your brain you can actually remember things clearly? Its pretty hard to let go. And realizing that if
it ever came to it, Id choose to let him die and save you - that was one of the hardest things Ive
ever come to terms with. I guess thats why I didnt answer in my dream. How was I supposed to
tell him Id let him die? Hes my best friend. You know I love you - I never forgot how to love you
even with all of this amnesia crap and you know I always will love you but most of that stuff I said
to Blaine back when we were stupid kids making promises we couldnt keep and Ive had years to
grow up and come to terms with reality but sometimes I still feel like Ive been force fed too much
information all at once and its - its just been driving me crazy. I see Blaine alone and
heartbroken and my chest aches for him and I feel horrible because I get to have you and I get to
have him and -

Kurt, Sebastian said softly, laying a hand over Kurts and hushing him. Calm down baby.

I just want him to be happy, Kurt said, closing his eyes. We all grow up, we all lose things we
thought we never would and we all have to go through harsh adjustments but we still deserve to
be happy. I found you and I swear to god Sebastian Smythe, you are the last person I thought
would make me happy - Sebastian smiled widely. - but you do. You make me so fucking happy
and thats all I want for him too. Someone or something to make him as happy as he deserves to
be.

Sebastian had no clue how to reply to something like that. He had always been in awe of the way
Kurt was able to love, to be compassionate and forgive people. He knew Kurt would fight for what
he wanted but when it came down to it, hed give up something he wanted with all his heart if it
was hurting someone he loved. And so it shouldnt have been a surprise that Kurt was beating
himself up over Blaines heartbreak and a twisted dram.

Instead of giving Kurt an answer or comforting words, Sebastian ended up asking him more
questions. If this is what was bugging you, then what was the other dream?

Kurt didnt register his words for a few seconds but when he did, his eyes grew wide and his lips
formed a small O. That was - it was.

It was...? Sebastian pressed.

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It was a dream Id had before, Kurt said. A short while after my flashbacks started. Im watching
the aftermath of a car crash but instead of me, the victim is you.

That surprised Sebastian. Kurt had never mentioned that to him before and suddenly his cries
of no, please dont leave me the night before made much more sense. He wordlessly wrapped an
arm around Kurts shoulder and pulled him against his chest. Kurt held him for a few long
moments before pulling away. He gave a tight smile and rubbed a hand along his forehead. Just
my brain being weird and projecting fears I guess.

Your fear of losing me. God, if only you knew the things my brain did when I thought Id lose you.

Sebastian launched himself at Kurt once more, not caring about how gracelessly he pinned him
to the bed but the second he was on top of him, Kurts legs fell open to accommodate him and his
arms came to wrap around his body, holding him close. Kurts mouth was warm and familiar and
Sebastian let himself melt into it, tongues and teeth and lips moving together with ease like they
had forever and they did, he guessed, but they could also only have these few minutes and
Sebastian wanted to make use of every single second. Words were overrated, in Sebastians
experience, touch was what said so much with so little. And so, when he slid his palm up the hem
of Kurts shirt to rest heavy and warm against his stomach, he knew that Kurt understood it to
mean Im here and God, I could kiss you forever at the same time.

249

Part 40
Objectively, Kurt knew he must have liked going to clubs and bars at some point in his life. He
had enough snippets of memories and facebook pictures and videos to deduce as much. But as
they queued up in front of Pulse, Kurt couldnt really understand why. He supposed he should
have been enjoying himself, there was a general buzz of excitement in the air, backed up with the
steady thump of the music spilling out from the club doors onto the street. Blaine was next to him,
smiling happy and genuine and Sebastian was constantly brushing his hand against his waist or
the inside of his wrist while he talked as if he was having trouble keeping his hands to himself.

Really, there was no reason he shouldnt have been looking forward to going inside and dancing
into the late hours of the night with these two men. Except he was worried he was going to end
up embarrassing himself, that shimmying on the dance floor at Scandals was a far cry from what
everyone would be doing inside. The part of him that was still eighteen eclipsed every ounce of
confidence his twenty eight year old had at that point leaving him hanging in-between, neither boy
nor man, just a very confused Kurt.

Why do you look like youre about to throw up? Sebastian asked, nudging Kurt with an elbow as
they shuffled a few steps forward in the line. You feeling okay?

Kurt nodded jerkily. Yeah, Im fine.

Really? Blaine asked. You dont look it.

Im fine, Kurt repeated firmly.

Well, if you keep looking so freaking scared, theyre never going to let you in, Sebastian said.
Seriously Kurt, you look like youre twelve right now. Even your ID isnt going to cut it at this
point. Kurt didnt get a chance to glare at him because Sebastian was suddenly turning around to
look at a boy standing in line behind them, a boy who was definitely too young to be there. You
too, he said to him. For gods sake you look like your mommy is about to jump out and catch
you any second.

The boy looked up from where hed been staring at his feet, blue eyes bright beneath a fringe of
sandy hair. He looked startled at being addressed. W-what? Kurt noticed the way his eyes
raked over Sebastians face, the flush of red that spread across his cheeks.

Sebastian glowed with the obvious infatuation. Tell you what, he said. If you manage to make it
past the bouncer, Ill dance with you.

The boys eyes flickered to Kurt and stayed there, his lips parted and surprise painted all over his
face. Kurt gave him a small smile before turning back around. You enjoy attention too much, he
said to Sebastian with a grin, remembering the teenage girl from the restaurant. Sebastian
shrugged, not denying it. He wrapped his arm around Kurts waist, eyes on Blaine who was
staring at someone further down the line. Kurt followed his gaze but there were too many people
for him to pinpoint exactly who Blaine was staring at.

Find someone you like, killer? Sebastian asked, nudging the back of Blaines foot with his shoe.

Blaine blinked and looked away from whoever hed been staring at. Maybe, he said, rolling his
shoulders and bouncing on the balls of his feet. His grin reminded Kurt of the reason hed agreed
250

to come in the first place; because it was what Blaine had wanted and at this point, he was willing
to do anything to make his best friend not feel like crap because of some asshole whod never
deserved him.

I wish theyd hurry up, Blaine said. Weve been out here forever.

Ten minutes, Kurt corrected.

Blaine turned to look at him, eyebrows raised. Yeah - forever.

They made it to the front of the queue - much too soon for Kurts liking and not soon enough for
Blaines. The bouncer gave them one look before nodding and letting them through, though Kurt
could almost swear he felt his eyes linger dangerously on him as they passed, like he was going
to call him back and ask for ID. Thats ridiculous, Kurts inner voice assured him, there is no way
you look younger than eighteen.

He certainly felt eighteen though as he took in his surroundings. The inside of the club was twice
as loud as the outside, the mass of bodies on the dance floor all pulsating under the tinted blue
and purple of the lights. Nothing here even remotely resembled Scandals. It actually
made Scandals look like a barn out in the middle of nowhere. If Kurt hadnt been nervous enough
before, he definitely was now. Any hope hed had of being hit by a brilliant flash of memory upon
entering had been pretty much dashed. The surroundings were almost intimidating in their
foreignness.

Relax, Sebastian said from next to him, his hand returning to Kurts waist and squeezing
reassuringly. Itll be fun.

I know, Kurt said, straightening his shoulders like he was preparing to walk into the midst of a
battle. I hope so.

Look, if you dont feel up to staying, you can take the car and head home. Ill grab a cab back
with Blaine.

Kurt shook his head. No. No, I want to stay.

Well then youre going to have to loosen up, baby, Sebastian said with a grin just as Blaine
dragged them to the bar, demanding tequila shots immediately. Kurt wanted to stop Blaine from
drinking, remind him of last night and the horrible hangover this morning, but Sebastian threw him
a look saying dont you dare ruin the poor guys fun and he relented.

Kurt watched Blaine and Sebastian knock back their shots, repeating the process of lick, drink,
bite with practiced precision. Im feeling...kinda left out, he admitted when both Blaine and
Sebastian slammed down their final glass and picked up their slices of lime.

Sebastian leaned over his stool to Kurt, face flushed and grinning and said, Have a taste, then.

He cupped Kurts chin, pressing down on his lower lip with the pad of his thumb until Kurt let his
mouth fall open enough for Sebastian to roll his tongue out, gently brushing it over his own. It was
still heavy with the bitter-sour flavors of tequila and lime, Kurts head spun a little just from the
second hand taste. He felt self conscious for all of two seconds, wondering if Blaine was watching
them along with the million other people in the club before he let his thoughts go and gripped
251

Sebastians arm, reeling him in closer to kiss him more fully on the mouth. He heard Blaine shout
over the loud music, something about going off to dance and he sounded happy enough that Kurt
didnt have to pull away from Sebastian to make sure he hadnt offended him by ignoring him.

Come on, Sebastian said a few seconds later, breaking the kiss and taking Kurts hand. Lets
dance.

Kurt let Sebastian lead him out to the dance floor, right in the middle of the moving crowd. If Kurt
had been paying any attention to them, hed have felt suffocated by the sheer number of people
there, maybe even stared critically at some of the fashion choices they had made. But he wasnt
paying any attention. He was focused solely on Sebastian, the arms around his waist, the feeling
of their bodies close together. The tip of Sebastians nose touched his cheek, skimming down
along his jaw, catching the corner of Kurts smile. As they moved, Kurts previous nervousness
about embarrassing himself on the dance floor faded. His body fell into the natural rhythm well
remembered from countless hours spent on this very dance floor with Sebastian. He could feel
the beat of the song pulsing under his skin, like a drug injected into his veins, slowly unraveling
the part of him that remembered how much he enjoyed this.

Kurt lost track of how long they danced. Heat was pooling in his stomach, spreading through his
whole body and growing more urgent with every second he continued to move with and against
Sebastians body. Even under the shifting purple-blue lights, Sebastians eyes were dark and
looking at Kurt much in the way a wolf would look at its prey - hungry, eager. It was the
satisfaction Kurt got out of teasing Sebastian with every roll of his hips and the press of lips along
his skin that kept him from grinding against him hard and fast until he came.

I hate you, Sebastian gritted out when Kurt licked along the stubble on his chin.

You wont when we get back home and I fuck you on the couch, Kurt said, dancing his fingers
up along Sebastians sides. Or maybe Ill try fucking you up against the wall. Or maybe you can
fuck me.

He pulled back enough to get a good look at the hungry expression on Sebastians face, grinning
in triumph. Sebastian opened his mouth to reply but before he could say anything, Kurt was being
tugged away from him, whirled around by a firm hand on his forearm.

Heeeeyyyyy best friend! Blaine shouted gleefully, bouncing on his feet even as he kept a firm
grip on Kurts arm.

Oh my god, Kurt gasped as he found his footing again. Blaine! Are you trying to kill me?

No, silly! said Blaine with a shake of his head as if Kurt was out of his mind. Im trying to dance
with you! He let go of Kurts arm and proceeded to begin a familiar body bob, face scrunching up
and hair flopping around on his head as he danced. Come on, dance with me! he said when
Kurt just stood there and laughed. He took Kurts hand and spun him around, jumping back into
his personal space as he tried to lead Kurt into a sashay. Kurt glanced back at where Sebastian
stood watching them with a grin on his face before throwing himself into the dance. It was nothing
like the sexy, teasing dances hed shared with Sebastian just now. This was careless and silly
and sweetly reminiscent of his and Blaines first time at Scandals, young and nervous and relying
on each other to have fun.

Sebastian! Dance with us! Blaine shouted when he noticed that Sebastian hadnt joined them.
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I think Ill pass, Sebastian said. You two are embarrassing.

Kurt threw him a glare over his shoulder but Sebastians grin was affectionate as he moved past
them. Blaine wasnt quite ready to let him go. Oh no you dont, he said, launching himself
forward to grab Sebastians arm and drag him back. Sebastian ended up sandwiched between
the two of them, back pressed to Kurt and chest-to-chest with Blaine. It was slightly awkward
because he was taller than both of them by quite a few inches and that made dancing as a
threesome difficult.

Hang on, Sebastian said, spinning out and around to move behind Kurt. The new position
meant Kurt was now pressed between the two men, shimmying with Blaine in front of him and
rolling his shoulders back against Sebastian behind him. This is much better.

This is perfect! Blaine said, leaning in to Kurt as he danced.

Kurt smiled, draping his arms over Blaines shoulders as Sebastian brought his own hands down
to rest on Kurts waist. His muscles were starting to ache a bit but Kurt ignored them, too caught
up in Blaine and Sebastian and the thrumming energy in his body.

Yes, this was perfect.
_

Blaine remained on the dance floor when Kurt and Sebastian moved back to the bar to get more
drinks. Kurt collapsed on to a stool as Sebastian ordered for them, scanning the club. The
surroundings felt more familiar now, nothing explicit jumping to mind, but they didnt seem as
foreign as they had upon entering it. He saw Blaine had moved on to dance with another guy, a
guy Kurt was pretty sure had been in the group hed seen waiting in line outside. He seemed
very...interested in Blaine. If the way he kept grabbing handfuls of Blaines ass as they danced
was any indication.

Kurts didnt feel the wave of jealously hed expected at the sight of them, he just felt something
protective erupt inside his chest. So far, Blaine had seemed to be having a good time but Kurt
remembered the broken way Blaine had looked at him last night, the desperation in his kiss. He
just wanted to make sure Blaine wasnt going to set himself up for more hurt.

Hes fine, Sebastian said gently from next to him. Kurt tore his eyes away from Blaine to look at
him. Sebastian was watching Blaine with a thoughtful expression on his face.

From what I remember, you thought he was fine with Tyler too.

Well that guy isnt Tyler, Sebastian said decisively. I dont want him getting hurt any more than
you do but come on, Kurt. Hes having fun. Look at that face. Kurt had to admit Sebastian was
right. Blaine looked incredibly happy, like the dance floor was his natural habitat. The bartender
returned with their drinks and Sebastian slid a glass over to Kurt saying, Now stop staring and
drink.

Kurt looked at the proffered glass and rolled his eyes at the sight of the Shirley Temple.
Seriously, Sebastian? Its not funny anymore.

Sebastian grinned. I think it is.
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Kurt picked up Sebastians glass and sniffed. Whats this?

Coke and vodka. He reached for the glass but Kurt, feeling pleasantly buzzed from dancing and
more adventurous than he had been when hed first walked in, held the glass out of Sebastians
reach and shook his head.

I think Ill hang on to this.

Sebastian raised his eyebrows and smiled. I thought you were the designated driver?

Kurt grinned back at him. Not anymore. He wasnt planning on getting drunk, just a few sips, but
it was fun to let Sebastian think so.

Hed only taken a few sips when he saw the boy Sebastian had talked to in line approach them.
Sebastian noticed him too and his grin immediately turned smug. So you made it through, he
said when the boy was within earshot. And now you want that dance I promised you.

Actually, I was um - I was kind of hoping to ask you for a dance, the boy said, shifting his gaze
to Kurt and staring at him with a hopeful grin. Just one dance. Please?

Kurt paused, liquid still sloshing in his mouth. Uh -sure, he said, swallowing as an afterthought
to his answer. He was still worn out from dancing nonstop for the past hour but this opportunity
and the shocked, almost offended look on Sebastians face was too priceless to give up. You
dont mind do you? he asked Sebastian coolly as he stood up.

Sebastians expression gave way to amusement as he picked up Kurts abandoned glass and
raised it in toast to him. Knock yourself out, he said. Maybe Ill join you, later.

Maybe youll stay here and watch me, Kurt said in a low voice, leaning in to him slightly before
turning back to his waiting dance partner and smiling at him. Kurt made sure to find a spot on the
dance floor that would give Sebastian at the bar a perfect view before he turned his attention to
the boy in front of him. Whats your name?

Sean, he supplied, reaching out to tentatively place his hands on Kurts waist.

And exactly how old are you Sean? Kurt asked, tilting his head to the side. His best guess was
sixteen. Seventeen at the most.

Sean didnt answer him. He stepped in closer to Kurt, trying to school his features into a cool
expression and said, Does it matter?

Kurt wanted to laugh because Seans suave act was kind of adorable, but he thought of how he
would have felt if some older guy he wanted to dance with badly had laughed in his face and
ended up saying, Not really.

Good, Sean said, relaxing visibly and then, as if he couldnt control himself any longer - Youre
super hot by the way.

The laugh bubbled out of Kurt unbidden but Sean didnt seem offended. He grinned at Kurt, equal
parts nervous and smitten. Thank you, said Kurt, imaging the way Sebastian would have rolled
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his eyes at that. Thank you? Really, Kurt? Thats what youre going to say. Youre not so bad
yourself.

Sean look flustered at the comment. His eyes moved over Kurts shoulder to the bar and he said,
Your boyfriend is watching us.

Kurt resisted the urge to turn around and see for himself but he couldnt help adding an extra
swivel to his hips as he moved, knowing that Sebastian was watching. Hes not my boyfriend,
said Kurt and then, seeing the flicker of hope on Seans face, quickly added, Hes my husband.
The words still made him feel giddy and warm in the same way they had at the bar last night but
Sean looked disappointed.

Your - wait, youre married? When Kurt nodded, Sean swore under his breath, looking
heartbroken for a second before he sighed and said, Well it wasnt like I had a chance with you
anyway.

Kurt liked him. He smiled and tipped his head forward. I wouldnt be so sure, he said with a
small wink.

The music was loud over them but Kurt could tell Sean had heard him because his lips stretched
into a wide grin, cheeks darkening with color as he ducked his head, breaking eye contact. He
was looking back up in the next second though, more confident but still blushing slightly. Well
youre just going to have to make do with a single dance, Im afraid, he said.

Kurt laughed and took Seans proffered hand, letting him spin him around. He saw Sebastian
through the crowd, watching him over the rim of his glass but too many people were moving
through his line of sight for him to make out clearly the expression on his face. From what Kurt
could see, he was pretty sure Sebastian was grinning and it sparked an odd sense of dj vu
within him.

Sean looked like hed taken all his dancing queues from Blaine and Finn which left him doing an
awkward albeit energetic bounce-flail-shimmey. He pulled it off though, managed to be more
endearing than embarrassing and when the song was over, he let his hands flop to the side and
glared up at the ceiling. When he looked back down at Kurt, it was with the same, smitten smile
with an edge of gratitude to it. Well, thats it I guess.

Kurt would have given him a second dance but he was feeling dizzy. It was fun, he said as they
stepped away from the other dancers.

It was, Sean said a little breathlessly. Thanks.

Ill see you around Sean, Kurt said, touching his arm briefly as he moved past him.

Hed taken three steps forward when Sean came rushing back. Wait! Kurt stopped walking,
letting Sean cut in front of him. Sorry, Sean said quickly. I just - I dont know your name.

Kurt was really enjoying how smitten this boy was with him. Its Kurt, he supplied. His ego may
have been a little too inflated but Kurt couldnt help but think that in the pause that followed, Sean
was trying out his name in his mind and on his tongue.

Kurt, he said. Thats - yeah. Um... he trailed off, his gaze dropping from Kurts eyes to his lips
255

and then flickering back up. Before Kurt could say goodbye once more and head back to
Sebastian, Sean darted in and kissed him on the cheek, hard and fast before pulling back. Bye,
Kurt, he all but squeaked, avoiding Kurts gaze. Kurt smiled in surprise, staring after Sean as he
turned around and disappeared into the crowd.

Sebastian was waiting for him right where Kurt had left him. He didnt waste a second and
immediately pulled Kurt close, covering his mouth with his own in a raw display of passion that
contrasted hilariously with the nervous kiss on the cheek Sean had given him.

And it was with that kiss that the dj vu from before suddenly made sense.

Kurt broke away from Sebastian and looked into his eyes; dark, excited. It turns you on, doesnt
it, he said. Watching me dance with other people? It - he leaned in, just barely brushing his lips
against Sebastians parted ones, it really turns you on.

Sebastian wrapped his arm firmly around Kurts waist and kissed him again. You say that like Im
the only one getting turned on here. Tell me you didnt enjoy that.

Kurt shrugged, moving to take up the empty stool next to Sebastian. Sean was sweet.

Im not talking about your little admirer, Sebastian said sounding only a little irritated. Turned on
or not, Kurt was willing to bet anything that Sebastian was just a little bit jealous that Sean had
gone for him and not Sebastian. A wounded ego was not something Sebastian took well to,
whatever the circumstances.

Then what are you talking about? Kurt asked, unable to resist pushing Sebastians buttons just
a little bit. From what I got, we talking about getting turned on and dancing with Sean turned me
on. Simple as that. He didnt add that the arousal had been entirely the work of Sebastians eyes
watching him from the distance.

You know what Im talking about, Kurt. Dont pretend like you dont. Kurt stared at him, face
purposefully blank. Sebastians jaw tightened for a second before he relaxed. Fine, he said, his
lips quirking into a familiar smirk. Maybe a practical demonstration will help you more.

With that, he was out of his seat and heading a few stools to Kurts left. Kurt turned, curious, and
saw Sebastian grab the arm of a tall, muscular brunette. What are you doing, man?! the guy
protested.

Im giving you a chance to feel up the ass youve been staring at all night, Sebastian said.

Kurt watched the two of them head to the dance floor, the brunette guy now much more willing.
Sebastian shot Kurt a look over his shoulder just before they started dancing and - oh. Kurt had
figured it out already, knew that it was something of a game to the two of them to dance with
other people and thrill in the knowledge that theyd still be going home together at the end of the
night - but bits and pieces of memory were nothing compared to actually watching Sebastian with
someone else.

His eyes followed the movement of their bodies, something possessive and warm curling in him
at the sight of the arm the man was sliding up Sebastians arm. Sebastian had his cheek pressed
to the side of the guys head, eyes fixed on Kurt and smirk still plastered to his lips. Kurt finally
understood what Santana had meant by the term eye fucking
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There you are!

Kurt looked up, startled for the second time that night to see Blaine sliding on to Sebastians
empty stool. Hi, Kurt said, voice a little rough. Having fun?

Yeah! Blaine exclaimed, grabbing a handful of peanuts from a nearby bowl and popping them in
his mouth. He was sweaty and smelled strongly of alcohol but he seemed marginally less drunk
than he had been after the tequila shots. The dancing had sobered him up but hadnt taken away
any of his energy. He was practically bouncing on his stool. This was the best idea ever! Im not
thinking of Tyler at all.

Kurt arched an eyebrow. Blaine purposefully avoided looking at him, chewing on his peanuts.
Wheres Sebastian?

Dancing, Kurt said, eyes darting back to the dance floor where Sebastian was now holding up
his left hand and undoubtedly dropping the Im married bomb on his dance partner. The guy
didnt seem to care. He shrugged and cupped Sebastians hip, leaning in closer. Mine Kurt
thought smugly when Sebastian looked up at Kurt and winked. He turned away, back to Blaine
who was now reaching for the remains of Kurts Shirley Temple.

This...isnt alcohol, he said a little dumbly.

Its probably better for you, thats for sure. Kurt said. Blaine shrugged and drank it all in one
gulp. So, Kurt started. Wheres the guy you were dancing with. He seemed pretty...into you.

Ah, I ditched him, said Blaine, leaning his weight against Kurts side.

Why?

No reason, Blaine said with a shrug. I just got tired of dancing. Ill find him again. They
watched the dancers in silence for a few seconds before Blaine commented almost absently, He
liked my ass a lot. Like - a lot.

Kurt laughed. Yeah, I saw.

Kurt, Blaine said suddenly, sitting up and looking much more sober than he had a second ago.
Im sorry.

For what?

For kissing you last night.

You dont - you dont have to apologize for that, Kurt said.

I do. I shouldnt have planted one on you like that.

Oh like you havent done that a million times before? Kurt asked in a light voice. Come on,
Blaine. Its fine.

Blaine looked surprised at the comment and something behind his eyes shifted, caution morphing
257

into relief. I just thought. You know - after what happened on the roof and everything that... he
trailed off, shrugging in lieu of finishing his sentence.

Kurt understood what he meant to say and lay a comforting hand on Blaines knee. At some
point youre going to have to stop treating me like Im something breakable. Im not as clueless as
I was on that rooftop anymore, you know. Ive started remembering things. You dont have to
watch yourself around me, not anymore.

It was pointless to mention the turmoil hed gone through the whole night dealing with his feelings
for Blaine, the realization that they still existed somewhere inside of him as strong as passionate
as they had ten years ago, but overshadowed by his still more passionate love for Sebastian. He
had no idea how long it would take for his memory to be restored completely, for all he knew, he
could spend the next two weeks madly in love with Blaine as he remembered more and more
things from their time together and the weeks after that hating him when he remembered the
details of their break up. For now, he just wanted Blaine to treat him like he was his best friend,
not like he was some sort of replica he had to censor himself around.

Blaine smiled at him, eyes wet and shining, and a second later Kurt had an armful of his best
friend and a mouthful of his hair. He laughed, fighting to not topple off his stool at the force with
which Blaine had thrown himself at him and hugged him back.

Ive missed you, Blaine said when he finally pulled back.

I never left. Well...not really

It felt like you did. Blaine leaned forward and pecked Kurt on the lips quickly, a friendly kiss that
made Kurt think of New Years parties and his wedding and hollering a drunken Blaine home with
Sebastian after Friday nights out clubbing. Lets dance, Blaine said, standing up and jerking his
head towards the dance floor.

I thought you were tired, said Kurt.

Im never tired enough to dance with you. Kurt rolled his eyes when Blaine tapped his nose with
a finger.

Come on then, tiger, he said with a short laugh, looping his arm through Blaines. Lets go
embarrass Sebastian some more.
_

Somewhere in the middle of the third song, Blaine disappeared again, leaving Kurt to dance with
Sebastian. Their movements were still charged with sexual frustration, with the teasing promise of
acting on every instinct in their body as soon as they got home but they were also worn out and
theyd slowed down their pace, grinding in a way that was much more subtle and subsequently,
far more frustrating.

Kurt slipped his hands into the back pockets of Sebastians jeans and squeezed at a handful of
his ass through the denim. Sebastian groaned quietly, a sound that would have been lost amidst
the music if Sebastians mouth hadnt been right next to his ear.

Please tell me were getting out of here soon. Im so hard it hurts, Sebastian said, biting lightly
on the lobe of Kurts ear.
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Kurt smiled, pressing into the touch as Sebastian kissed behind his ear and mouthed along the
side of his neck. You may be over exaggerating a little. He could feel Sebastian was half hard,
but he supposed the sexual frustration alone was enough to make his body quiver with need for
release.

Fuck over exaggeration. I want you.

The admission made Kurt tilt his head and catch Sebastians mouth in a biting kiss that sent a hot
flash of desire coursing through his own body. Sebastians hand came up to cup his face,
gripping his cheeks firmly between his palms as he licked his way into his mouth. Okay, yes.
Kurt said with a small gasp when they pulled back. Lets leave. Lets just find Blaine and ... tell
him were leaving.

There was the slight problem of finding Blaine now that theyd lost him to the crowd and the
longer it took to locate him, the more Kurt worried that Blaine would want, or need them to stay
with him for the rest of the night, and he knew both he and Sebastian would agree.
Tonight had been about Blaine.

Fortunately, Blaine found them, appearing out of nowhere much like he had been all night. Kurt
was relieved to see he was just as cheerful as hed been when hed left them on the dance floor.
Hey, he said, waving as he pushed through people to get to them. Im gonna head home now.

Oh thank god, Kurt breathed. So are we, he said in a louder voice.

You going home alone, killer? Sebastian asked.

No, I uh - Blaine grinned, fidgeting slightly. Ive met someone.

Met someone, met someone? asked Kurt with raised eyebrows.

No! No. Just. Met someone. For the night. You know... he trailed off, looking impatiently at Kurt
as he waited for the bell to ring.

When it did, Kurts eyes widened because of course. He was such an idiot. Oh! Thats. Um,
great.

The idea of Blaine going home for a night of casual, no strings attached sex unsettled him for two
very distinct reasons. The eighteen year old in him was struck a little dumb by the mere idea of
Blaine and a one night stand, while the other part of him that was older, not as judgemental and
well accustomed to the idea of casual sex, was cautious that this guy - whoever he was - would
end up as another Tyler.

Kurt? Blaine looked guarded, like Kurts reaction was not what hed expected, was even a little
offensive.

Kurt released his lower lip from where hed been digging into it with his teeth and smiled. Have
fun, he said, leaning in to hug Blaine.

Remember to use condoms, Sebastian said when Blaine moved to hug him. Blaine wacked him
on the back of his head.
259


Thanks for tonight guys, Blaine said with a grateful smiled. I needed this.

Anytime, said Sebastian with a wink. Now dont keep the guy waiting.

Blaine grinned at them one last time before turning around and disappearing back in the direction
hed just came. Sebastians hand slid back from Kurts waist to rest along the top of his ass. Lets
go home, he whispered in Kurts ear, and that was possibly the sexiest thing hed said to him all
night.
_

It was very difficult to unlock the door when Sebastian was pressing up along his back, hands
gripping Kurts hips firmly and mouth moving wetly along the back of his neck. Kurt shivered and
tried unsuccessfully to get the key through the lock.

Sebastian, he gritted out with difficulty. Key. Lock. And then sex. He had to take this step by
step. Sebastian, can you at least let me open the door?

Sebastian hummed, the vibration against his skin sending another shiver rolling down Kurts
spine, but he showed no signs of stopping. Kurt clutched the keys tighter in his hand and let his
forehead thump against the door. He could feel Sebastians breath hot against the side of his
neck where he was now kissing a path up to his jaw. His hands tightened around Kurts hips,
sliding forward to brush teasingly along the erection that was now forming in his jeans.

Kurt sucked in a shaky breath through his nose and managed to shoulder Sebastian off of him
long enough to unlock and open the door. The apartment was dark after the light of the hallway,
Kurt had to blink a few times as he toed off his shoes to let his eyes adjust. He turned around
when the door shut behind him to find Sebastian flipping through his wallet.

Whatre you looking for? he asked.

Lube, Sebastian replied. I usually always have packets with me but - fuck. He looked up at
Kurt. Got any on you?

No. But -

Cant wait that long, Sebastian said as if hed read Kurts mind. Bedrooms too far.

Kurt couldnt help but agree so when Sebastian pushed him back against the wall making the
framed photographs next to him rattle dangerously, Kurt didnt protest and just draped his arms
over his shoulders. Sebastian kissed him, smelling lightly of cologne. In fact, the whole apartment
held the lingering hints of Sebastian and Kurts cologne, of Sebastians body wash and Kurts
hairspray. It was a combination that was so familiar to Kurts senses that he felt some of the
urgency from before dissipate as a wave of powerful emotion he couldnt name coursed through
him.

The fact that he had left this apartment with Sebastian, was returning home with him at the end of
the night, and that Sebastian would be next to him the next morning and the morning after that
and the morning after that made Kurt feel secure and safe and loved in a way that was almost
overwhelming to the part of him that was, despite everything, still young.

260

Cupping Sebastians face with both hands, Kurt kissed him harder, breathing in and letting the
comforting scent of them settle around him. Sebastians fingers were on the buttons of his shirt,
desperately working them through their holes. Kurt grabbed the hem of Sebastians own long
sleeved t-shirt and pulled it over his head.

Isnt there lube under the couch cushions? he asked in between kisses.

Sebastian paused, breathing hard. Huh?

Lube. I think I kept some there last week after - he didnt get a chance to finish his sentence
because Sebastian was now walking over to the couch, flicking on a lamp and digging under the
cushions. Kurt followed him, feeling light headed. The look of triumph on Sebastians face when
he found the small bottle made Kurt laugh but it quickly died in his throat when Sebastian began
undoing the button of his jeans. He kicked them off, along with his shoes leaving him only in a
pair of dark blue boxer briefs and socks.

Mouth dry, Kurt made his way towards him and without being fully conscious of what he was
doing, placed his hands on Sebastians shoulder and jumped. His legs locked around Sebastians
waist, arms curving to wrap around his neck as he attacked Sebastians mouth hungrily.
Sebastian swayed dangerously under the weight of him, almost enough to make Kurt worry that
he was going to lose his balance and send both of them crashing to the floor, but then he found
his footing and gripped Kurt tighter, walking them around the couch to the window.

Kurt winced when his overheated back made contact with the glass, cool from the air
conditioning. He arched away from the touch, pressing himself harder against the warmth of
Sebastians chest. Sebastian kissed down the column of his neck, sucking at his pulse point,
licking along his adams apple before he set Kurt back on his feet and turned him around.

Take off your pants, he said over the distinctive click of a bottle cap opening.

Kurt did, undoing his belt hastily and pushing his jeans and underwear down to where they
pooled around his feet. He stepped out of them and kicked them aside just as Sebastian pressed
back in against him. Instead of his circling his hole like Kurt had expected them to, Sebastians
fingers moved lower to smear along the inside of his thigh. Kurts legs parted on instinct but he
frowned, What - what the hell are you doing? he asked.

Sebastian kissed his neck, behind his ear. Just trust me, he said and continued to spread the
lube. You like this.

Kurt allowed himself to relax and wrapped a hand around his cock, stroking languidly to relieve
some of the tension. Sebastian once again, moved away. Kurt groaned in frustration and looked
over his shoulder to see him ripping open two condom packets. He would have complained and
told Sebastian he was just wasting time but he knew hed been told that he had been the one to
enforce the rule.

After the glow of fucking on every available surface when theyd first moved in had died down and
theyd had to spend an unappealing amount of time wiping off come stains from various places,
Kurt had set up strict rules stating that if they were going to fuck in the kitchen or on the couch or
anywhere else except for the bedroom, they had to wear condoms or make do with blowjobs
which, in comparison were a lot less messier.

261

Sebastian slid a condom down on Kurts cock and wrapped his hand around it, pumping slowly as
his own erection rubbed along the crease of Kurts ass, slick with lube. Kurt licked his lips and
pushed back against him, moving his hips in a slow grind, an echo of the dances theyd shared
earlier that night. Sebastians mouth returned to the back of his neck, kissing sloppily as his hand
continued to stroke him.

Kurt had been expecting to get fucked up against the window but this was turning out to be a
really good alternative. The window had been cold anyway.

With the lights of the city blinking back at him, the quiet, muffled sounds Sebastian was making
into his skin and the still lingering smell of their skin and products hanging around them, their
movements seemed to gain an air of sensuality. Kurt could see Sebastians reflection in the
glass, watching him silently. When Kurt smiled and curved a hand back to slip through his hair,
Sebastian turned his face and kissed Kurts cheek tenderly, following it up with a hot lick along
the shell of his ear. Kurt leaned his head back against Sebastians shoulder, gasping at the
sudden sensation of him sliding his erection between Kurts slippery thighs. He began to thrust,
his cock dragging along Kurts balls in a way that made his breath catch and his body flash hotter.

Faster, Kurt said, pulling a hand away from the window to place it over the hand Sebastian had
on his cock. He guided him through setting a faster pace, moaning when he felt tension building
up at the base of his spine. Sebastian dragged his other hand up from Kurts hip to brush his
fingers along his nipple and Kurt tilted his head, angling his mouth up to kiss him.

He gasped into Sebastians mouth when his orgasm washed over him, prompted by the simple
slide of Sebastians tongue over his and the circling thumb at the head of Kurts cock. He sagged
a little, bracing his arm on the window and leaning forward as Sebastian started thrusting harder,
chasing after his own release. Kurt squeezed his thighs tighter and continued to arch his hips,
moving along with Sebastian until he felt the unmistakable pulsing of Sebastians cock as he
spilled inside the condom.

Fuck, Sebastian said, running his hands down Kurts sides in long strokes before slumping
against his back. Did you like that?

Mm, Kurt replied, removing his condom and tying off the end. He let it drop to the floor,
determined to pick it up later along with the mess of clothes theyd scattered around the
apartment.

You know the first time we did this was the night we moved in to this place, Sebastian said,
breath hot against Kurts shoulder. Do you remember?

Boxes scattered all around, rain pounding the windows - Not really, said Kurt.

Sebastians hands framed his hips when he turned around, eyes glinting with the memory.
Yeah, he said. After wed fucked on the floor and over the kitchen counter and tried out the
bed, you just pushed me up against the window and slid your cock between my thighs.

Mm, Kurt hummed again, curling his arms around Sebastians neck and tilting his head up for a
kiss. Their lips moved slowly, unhurried as the seconds slipped past them. Kurt only drew back
when his stomach growled and he realized hed barely eaten anything all day. Im hungry, he
said.

262

Sebastians lips moved from Kurts mouth to his chin, teeth dragging along his neck. Me too. His
fingers circled around Kurts now flaccid penis enquiringly. How long before you can go again? I
wanna suck you.

Food first, said Kurt with a pat to the back of Sebastians neck.

Sebastian sighed and straightened up with one last kiss to the side of Kurts neck. For a second,
Kurt couldnt move because the sight of Sebastian, his skin flushed and glowing in the light of the
lamp, eyes warm as they stared at Kurt made him breathless. Kurt touched his cheek, giving
himself a second to appreciate how absolutely fucking gorgeous his husband was before he
leaned forward and pressed his lips to Sebastians shoulder, the emotions swirling inside of him
calming at the familiar, intimate gesture.

Sebastian inhaled deeply, his hand coming up to cup the back of Kurts head and stroke his hair.
They stood there, suspended in the moment with unspoken words filling the air around them, I
love you. I love you, until they both drew back and Kurt bent to pick up his briefs.

Can you clean up? he asked Sebastian. Ill see if there are any leftovers in the fridge.

Fifteen minutes later, Kurt was sitting cross legged on the kitchen island, Sebastian standing in
front of him, sharing a bowl of stir fry noodles. Their forks clanged against each other as they ate,
stealing kisses in between bites. Sebastian hadnt bothered to put anything on, leaving Kurt to
enjoy the glorious expanse of his naked body and imagine all the things he wanted to do to it.

So were fucking after this.

Yes, Kurt said, smiling at how Sebastian didnt even bother to make it sound like a question.

I want to try something, he said.

Have we tried it before? Kurt asked, arching an eyebrow. He knocked Sebastians fork out of
the way so he could stab at a piece of chicken Sebastian had been after. Sebastian looked at him
with an irritated flare of his nostrils but didnt pull back when Kurt leaned in to brush a dry kiss
against his lips.

Yes. I doubt you remember, though. Sebastian said, closing his mouth around a forkful of
noodles. It was odd, considering he was just eating but Kurt found the movement of his lips as he
chewed a huge turn on. Or maybe it wasnt him chewing as much as it was the fact that he was
standing inches away from him, stark naked and half hard thinking about some kinky plan that
Kurt was sure would end up every bit as amazing as the sex theyd just had.

Are you going to tell me? Kurt asked.

No. But youll find out. Sebastian said with a grin.
I thought we were going to fuck, Kurt said with a frown as he came out of the bathroom later to
find Sebastian sitting on the couch, fiddling with the TV remote.

We are, Sebastian said. Cmere.

Kurt ignored the space next to him where Sebastian was gesturing for him to sit and instead
263

crawled onto Sebastians lap. Im here, he said, wrapping his arms around Sebastians neck.
Now whats your big plan apart from this. He grinned at the hiss Sebastian let out when he
rolled his hips down against his erection.

If you gave me a second to talk instead of attacking me, Id tell you. Sebastian said before
pushing Kurt off his lap, sending him collapsing on the couch next to him. Kurt didnt get a chance
to be annoyed because his eyes fell on the TV screen and he froze.

The display was innocent, a blue background with a list of generic file names with PRIVATE
emblazoned at the top of the screen. The sight made Kurts heart stop pumping for a second as
things clicked into place. Knowing what the file contained didnt do anything to calm the part of
him that had just discovered that -

WE MADE A SEX TAPE?!

Sebastian laughed. So you do remember. And not tape, tapes. Kurt stared at him, shocked and
speechless. Hey, Sebastian said. It was your idea.
_

Kurts nails are digging into his skin where hes got his hands curled into fists to restrain himself.
Sebastian is kneeling on the bed in front of him, pushing his cock through his fist while his other
hand plays with his nipples. Kurt stares transfixed at the wet tip of his cock as it slides in and out
of sight, dripping precome. Sebastians close, his breaths uneven and thumb swiping furiously
under the head of his cock the way it always does when hes trying to push himself over the edge.
Kurt has learned every tell in Sebastians body language, every little touch and what it means for
Sebastian, for what hes feeling. Just a little more and itll be enough...

Come on, Kurt whispers. Come on, Sebastian.

Sebastian cant hear him, hes too far away but the silent command to come must be evident on
Kurts face because one glance at him and Sebastians eyes are slamming shut against the
onslaught of pleasure as his orgasm finally hits him. He bends over, hand pumping his cock
furiously, pulling out every last drop of com and with that, Kurt is pushing off from the wall and
striding towards the bed. He presses Sebastians back to the mattress and seals their mouths
together in a hungry, desperate kiss that is almost too hard to be pleasurable. But Kurt is far past
any tenderness. Hes spent the past twenty five minutes watching Sebastian work his way up to
and give himself an orgasm without once touching himself, or touching Sebastian and he is going
to explode if he doesnt come soon.

He wraps his hands around his erection, stroking erratically as every muscle in his body tightens.
Sebastian is boneless and lazy, mouth pliant under Kurts lips. Want some help with that? he
asks with a small, smug smirk, directing his eyes to where Kurt is furiously working his hand over
himself. He sits up, scooting back on the bed enough for him to bend comfortably and take Kurts
straining erection into his mouth.

Kurt gasps, falling back on the hand thats pressed flat against the mattress and closing the other
in Sebastians hair. Fuck, he breathes as Sebastian begins to suck him. Fuck - Sebastian...

It takes barely a minute of the hard, relentless sucking for him to come. Cool air ghosts across his
spent cock, wet from Sebastians mouth as Sebastian releases him. Kurt shudders, collapsing on
to the bed, lips still parted and body buzzing with the afterglow of his orgasm. It takes a few
264

minutes for his vision to clear, for his breathing to return to normal. Sebastian is hovering over
him, elbow propped up on the bed next to Kurts head.

The next time we do that, Kurt says breathlessly, trailing his fingertips over Sebastians chin,
Im filming you.
_

The shock was slowly fading as Kurt came to terms with the discovery. It was easier to get over
the horror at the thought of him ever making a sex tape (tapes), once he remembered how
comfortable hed felt while making them. Images of him and Sebastian fumbling with cameras,
working out angles, abandoning filming endeavours altogether to just fuck came trickling back to
him but the actual content of those films remained muddled.

Something about the first file on the list caught his attention though, a feeling that he clicked it
most out of all of them.

Kurt?

Looking away from the screen, Kurt found Sebastian staring at him. Play the first one, he said.

Well that was a fast change of heart, said Sebastian, eyebrows shooting up.

I was just surprised before, Kurt said quickly. Play it, come on.

But that ones just me -

Sebastian. I know. Which surprised him because a second ago, he hadnt known. But with
Sebastians words, everything rushed back making Kurts cock twitch, his frustration growing
when Sebastian didnt make any move to play the video. What are you waiting for?

In lieu of a reply, Sebastian kissed him, fast and messy, not giving Kurt a chance to close his
eyes before he was pulling away. A second later, the screen went blank as Sebastian
clicked play.
_

Mmm, Kurt hums against Sebastians lips. No touching involved, remember?

I can hardly do this without touching, Kurt, Sebastian says before licking his way back into Kurts
mouth.

You know what I mean. No touching me. Kurt struggles to find the strength to pull away from
Sebastian but his husband is kneeling in front of him hot and hard and Kurt cant resist dipping his
head back down for one last kiss...

Okay, okay. Stop, he says a second later, tearing his lips away from Sebastians mouth but
Sebastian just grabs the collar of Kurts shirt and hauls him back in. No, Kurt says, slipping out
of Sebastians grip. No more distractions. He moves to their bookshelf, leaving Sebastian to flop
down on the bed and let out a frustrated groan. Kurt takes a few, shaky breaths to calm himself
and discreetly presses the heel of his hand against his clothed erection before picking up the
video camera from the shelf and switching it on.

265

Ready? he asks, turning back to Sebastian.

Sebastian stretches himself out on the bed, arm curved over his head and rolls his eyes. Who
the fucks says ready before filming their boyfriend jerking off?

Youre not my boyfriend, Kurt says, zooming in drastically to capture the look on Sebastians
face. He peeks over the top of the camera and grins, Youre my husband.

Oh right, Sebastian says with a short laugh. I forgot about that.

How can you forget were married? The ceremony was barely six months ago, Kurt says, the
hand holding the camera dropping down to his side in disbelief.

Because weve been boyfriends way longer than weve been husbands? Why the fuck are we
having this conversation, were supposed to be shooting porn.

I prefer to call it private entertainment, says Kurt coolly, raising the camera again. And youre
the one who keeps delaying things.

Fine, Sebastian says. Lets do this

Grinning, Kurt hits the record button
_

The video started abruptly, black screen cutting into a shot of Sebastian stretched out on their
bed. He had the fingers of one hand playing with a nipple, cock gripped tightly in the other. Kurt
felt a sharp tug of arousal low in his belly, heat quickly spreading through his body like liquid fire
working its way up from the throb in his cock to the tips of his ears, trailing back down along his
collarbone and chest. His mouth went dry, hand automatically moving to press against his crotch.
He didnt realize Sebastian had slid from the couch down to his knees in front of him until a puff of
hair obscured his view before ducking out of sight. Kurts hand was pushed away, replaced by the
warm, wet heat of Sebastians mouth.

Oh god, Kurt gasped without looking away from the TV. His hips arched up as Sebastians
tongue swirled over the material of his briefs, making the damp cotton cling to his erection.

On-screen Sebastian looked directly at the camera and grinned lazily, the same grin Kurt found
reflected back at him when he glanced down at his own Sebastian. Tilting his head, Sebastian
kissed down the hard length of Kurts cock through his underwear, before moving back to the
head and sucking it into his mouth. Kurt wished he had two pairs of eyes, that way he wouldnt
have had to choose between watching Sebastian touch himself or watching Sebastian touch him.
It was a struggle to keep his eyes open at all, actually given the ripples of pleasure that kept
rolling through his body with unexpected jolts.

Hands threading through Sebastians hair, Kurt looked back up, barely containing a low moan at
the sight of on-screen Sebastian now on his stomach, ass on display as he rubbed himself
against the sheets. Lips moved from his cock to the inside of Kurts thighs, sucking wet kisses
along the skin and even though Kurt wasnt looking at him, he knew Sebastian was enjoying this
immensely. He tilted his hips up, hoping Sebastian would get the hint and remove his underwear
but the suggestion as ignored, along with the low whine of desperation that escaped Kurts throat.

266

Kurt gave up, tugging Sebastians hair hard enough for it to hurt as a sign of how annoyed he was
before he let himself relax and focused all his attention on the screen. Sebastian worked him up
to the edge faster than he should have been able to without even taking off his briefs, but
considering how Kurt had to restrain himself from coming every few seconds when on-screen
Sebastian did something mind numbingly hot, he wasnt surprised.

Eventually, the teasing torture of Sebastians mouth became too much. Can you just - Kurt tore
his eyes away from the screen with great difficulty to glare at Sebastian, - get on with it?
Sebastian smirked, tracing his tongue along the outline of Kurts balls before hooking his thumbs
over the waistband of his briefs and finally pulling them down. Thank you, Kurt sighed in relief
when Sebastian took him into his mouth.
_

Too tight?

Sebastian tugs at the scarf binding his wrists together over his head. No, its fine.

Good. Kurt leans down to kiss him briefly before sitting back up.

The tripod is set up next to the bed. All Kurt has to do is press the record button and then lose
himself in touching Sebastian, but his brain is whirring, thinking of the limited visual capacity of
having the camera at a stationary position. For one, when Kurt watches those videos later, he
wont be able to appreciate Sebastian the same way he can right now. The camera will only film
him from the side, leaving the image of how he looks beneath Kurts straddling legs, muscles taut
and skin flushed, all up to his own imagination.

What? Sebastian asks, eyes flickering over Kurts expression.

Kurt realizes hes been chewing on his lower lip in contemplation as he stares at the camera.
Nothing, he says quickly. Im just thinking if maybe we can find a better way to make this work.

Do you want me to turn over? Sebastian asks. You can fuck me deeper that way.

The thought makes Kurt lose his train of thought for a second but he quickly regains his bearings
and shakes his head. No, I meant the camera - how am I going to be able to see you like this if
its only filming from one angle? He runs a finger down Sebastians chest, absently swirling it
around a hardened nipple. I guess I could hold the camera in my hand and ride you instead but
that would -

No, Sebastian cuts in firmly. You got to make your wank material last week. This video is all for
me.

Kurt arches an eyebrow. Youre not really in the position to be making demands right now.

Watch me, Sebastian counters. We are not going to make another video with just my face in it.
I know Im hot Kurt, but if I wanted to watch myself while I got off, Id just look in the mirror.

Okay fine, Kurt says with a huff of breath. What do you want to jerk off to?

You, says Sebastian simply. I want to be able to watch you fuck me while Im tied up. Simple as
that. Which is why were not going to touch the camera and leave it exactly where it is.
267


Kurt reaches out and takes the camera in his hand anyway, much to Sebastians frustration. Oh
shut up, he says with a roll of his eyes. Well do it your way but if were going to stick to boring
angles while fucking, then I want a few shots of my own in the introduction.
_

If Kurt had thought that nothing could be hotter than watching Sebastian touch himself, then he
had been sorely wrong. The very first shot of the second video was a close up of a pair of tightly
bound wrists, panning out to show the entirety of Sebastians upper body, beaded with sweat and
squirming under the touch of Kurts wandering fingers.

God, you look so hot, Kurts on-screen counterpart said.

Do I? Sebastian asked, looking up at Kurt from his knees. His voice was closer, rough from
blowing Kurt in a way that made his insides twist hotter and Kurt gave up the image on the TV to
look back down at the real thing. Sebastians cheek was pressed to Kurts knee, hand now
moving over Kurts cock with the same, slow rhythm his mouth had been just seconds ago. Kurt,
he said, smirk pulling the corner of his mouth up. Do I look hot?

Yes, Kurt breathed as Sebastian twisted his hand on the upstroke. He was leaking precome
onto Sebastians fingers, his whole body desperate for release. Sebastian... He didnt need to
complete his sentence because Sebastian seemed to understand. He leaned up, slanting his
mouth over Kurts and kissing him briefly, but thoroughly before he took his hand and pulled Kurt
to the floor. A white sheet followed after them as Sebastian hastily spread it out on their rug and
crawled on top of it.

We dont have any condoms left, he explained at the sight of Kurts inquiring face.

Kurt was secretly glad. The thought of Sebastian fucking him without anything in between them
appealed greatly to his lust clouded mind, ruined sheets be damned. To his surprise - and
disappointment - instead of positioning himself behind Kurt, Sebastian moved to settle on all fours
in front of him. Hang on-

What for? Sebastian asked. Fuck me, come on. Im ready.

He was, Kurt noted; stretched open and wet from lube, clenching in anticipation as he waited for
Kurt to fuck him. The sight of on-screen Kurt working three fingers into Sebastian seemed to
mock the fact that Kurt had been denied the same pleasure. Figuring there was no point in
arguing over why Sebastian hadnt let him do the job, Kurt said, I want to bottom.

After this, Sebastian said, reaching behind him to spread his cheeks, trying to tempt Kurt into
hurrying up. It worked.

Ioh- I wont last that long, said Kurt as he sunk into Sebastian slowly.

Well youll have to.

Sweat was beading on his forehead with effort it took to not come. Kurt squeezed his eyes shut to
keep himself from looking at the TV, a single glance at which would be enough to make him lose
control. In the end, it didnt matter because the combined moans from both Sebastians were
enough to break the last of Kurts resolve and he shuddered forward as relief flooded every tense
268

muscle in his body.
_

Urgh!

What now? Sebastian asks tiredly.

The lighting is all wrong! Kurt says, oozing frustration as he runs a hand through his hair. Its
not working out the way I want.

Sebastians leaning against the window in their lounge, looking like something out of Kurts wet
dreams - exactly like something out Kurts wet dreams, to be honest - with the sleeves of his
white button up rolled up to his elbows, black bowtie undone around his neck. He looks just like
he did the night of Kate and Johns wedding, so distractingly gorgeous that Kurt wants to screw
his plans of filming them and get straight to the good part. But hes the one who had insisted that
they get the tripod and camera and film themselves before they did this because the opportunity
was perfect. Its been the only thing on his mind since Sebastian walked out of their bedroom
hours ago, ready to leave for Blaines engagement party, the only thing that kept Kurt from
breaking his champagne flute at the sight of Tylers face throughout the evening (he still doesnt
like the guy).

Kurt. His name is lost amidst the sigh that accompanies it as Sebastian pushes off from the
window and moves into Kurts personal space. Can we just forget about your obsession with
shooting porn for tonight?

Private entertainment, Kurt corrects automatically as Sebastians arm circle his waist. And no. I
dont want to forget. You look gorgeous and I want to remember this.

You can remember it without filming it, too. Theyre swaying on the spot now, a whisper of a
dance that Kurt falls into without noticing.

No, Kurt says with a stubborn shake of his head. Give me a minute. Ill figure out what to -
Sebastian doesnt give him a minute. He leans down and cuts off Kurts sentence with his mouth,
tip of his tongue pressing against the seam of Kurts lips before he closes his lips around it and
kisses him soundly.

You know, says Kurt, turning his face to break the kiss and nudge his nose against Sebastians.
I never thought youd be so indifferent about all of this. I thought it would be the kind of thing
youre into given your narcissistic personality and all.

Im not the only narcissist in this house, baby. Sebastian says, taking Kurts hand and lifting it up
to thread his fingers through his.

Doesnt change the fact that youre not even the least bit interested in helping me out.

Who says Im not interested? Sebastian leans against Kurt, forcing him to dip back, supported
only by the arm still firmly encircled around his waist. Kurt lets his head fall back, neck bared for
Sebastian to press a kiss against his adams apple. Its surprisingly relaxing. He straightens up
again and Sebastian says, I just find it incredibly funny how seriously you treat your porn.

Private entertainment. Sebastian kisses the crease between Kurts eyebrows and laughs
269

quietly, body quivering under Kurts palms. Whatever, Kurt mutters but hes smiling. Sebastians
touches are tender, leaning towards romantic and sensual, a combination Sebastian pulls off
effortlessly and as hes admitted, only ever with Kurt. Its actually perfect for what Kurt wants. I
think Ive figured it out, he says.

Figured what out? Sebastian asks, palm sliding under Kurts shirt to rest against the small of his
back.

How to fix the lighting. Kurt steps away from Sebastian and turns the lamp off, leaving them to
blink in the light slanting in through the windows.

I dont think thats going to help your shot, says Sebastian.

There isnt going to be any shot, Kurt says, slowly unbuttoning his shirt and draping it over the
back of the couch.

Oh?

Youre right. I dont need to film this to remember it.

You can if you want, Sebastian says, watching Kurt step out of his pants and boxers, still fully
dressed himself. I dont mind. Youre not the only one benefiting from this new hobby.

Kurt smiles and moves back to Sebastian, threading his fingers through the small hairs at the
base of his neck. Oh I know, he says. But I changed my mind. Well look better filming in
daylight. For now... He brings their mouths together again, the hand not in Sebastians hair
fumbling with the button of his slacks. Keep the shirt on.
_

Lube bottle being uncapped, Sebastians fingers slowly opening him up, the distant sound of skin
slapping against skin as they continued to fuck on camera - Kurt was in the middle of all of it with
a sort of relaxed, sleepy awareness. His body opened up for Sebastians fingers easily, loose and
pliant after his last orgasm and too heavy to move from his current position flat on his back. It
meant he couldnt see the TV but the light of it throwing shadows on Sebastians body was
equivalent to porn for him.

Private entertainment, a voice corrected him in his head.

Kurt closed his eyes, letting himself surrender to touch, gripping Sebastians bicep loosely as he
tipped his head back against a cushion and let out a quiet sigh.

Ah, his body twitched with oversensitivity when Sebastians finger brushed his prostrate.

Ssh, Sebastian hushed him, withdrawing his fingers for a brief few seconds before pressing
them right back in. Kurt didnt have the energy to cry out when they rubbed over his prostrate
again but his body jerked harder this time, simultaneously trying to twist away and press closer.
Do you want me to stop? asked Sebastian.

No, Kurt said without opening his eyes. Keep going.

Thought so. He didnt tease Kurt for too long, finally pulling his fingers away a few seconds later
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to wipe them on the sheet. Kurt opened his eyes when he felt Sebastian start to push into him
slowly, the relief on his face mirroring what Kurt felt. He realized belatedly that a sudden silence
had fallen around them and it took another hazy second for him to figure out why.

Whyd you pause the video? he asked, hitching a leg around Sebastians thigh.

Its not like you can see from here. Sebastians head dipped down, sweaty forehead pressing
against Kurts as he finally sunk in the rest of the way. Words were lost after that in favor of
rocking together in a rhythm much gentler than before; long, hard thrusts that left both of them
gasping for air. Kurts body was humming with sensitivity, amplifying every point of contact
between their bodies. It made keeping his eyes open a struggle but Kurt didnt want to close them
when Sebastian was watching him so intently.

Sebastian came with a low groan, cock throbbing and spilling inside of Kurt with a final, hard
thrust. The feeling of Sebastian coming inside of him was enough to tip Kurt over the edge for the
third time that night, and he spurted weakly between their bodies, turning his head to catch
Sebastians mouth. They were still kissing when Sebastian slipped out of him and on to his side.
His fingers touched Kurts cheek before skimming up his temple to card through his hair.

I cant feel my legs, Kurt said, huffing out a laugh when Sebastian tried to urge him on top of
him.

Flopping on to his back, Sebastian sighed. Me neither, actually.

And my back kind of hurts too.

What about those three orgasms I gave you?

Kurt smiled. Yeah. Those were nice.

He craned his neck to catch an upside down glimpse of the paused picture on the screen. We
still have three left, he said absently.

Sebastian, who had been staring at the ceiling, turned his gaze to Kurt with eyebrows raised and
asked, Orgasms?

No, you idiot. I was talking about the videos.

Oh. Sebastian laughed and lifted his head up to look at the TV. We can watch them later.

Kurt had no doubt that he would come back to watch every video multiple times or at least until
he had jerked himself raw but for now, all he wanted was to get off the floor, get clean and crawl
into bed with his husband. If only he could gather the strength to move. Sebastian looked
enviously peaceful next to him, eyes closed and chest rising and falling evenly, like he was
already slipping into unconsciousness. Kurt nudged him with his elbow. Sebastian?

Hmm?

Can you carry me to the bedroom?

Sebastian opened his eyes and tilted his head to smile at Kurt. Why the hell would I do that?
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Because Im too fucked out to move.

So am I.

Are you planning to spend the night on the floor, then?

Maybe. Kurt nudged him again, harder this time. Sebastian sighed and pushed himself up onto
his elbows. Fine.

He picked up the TV remote from next to Kurt as he stood up, switching it off along with the lamp.
Bathed in darkness, he was just a shadow as he moved through the lounge and Kurt watched
him sleepily, waiting for the arms to slip under him. When they finally did, he couldnt stop the
yelp that escaped him at the suddenness and shakiness with which Sebastian scooped him up, a
yelp that quickly turned into a laugh as he locked his arms around Sebastians neck and leaned
his head against his shoulder.

I enjoy the fact that youre taller than me, he said.

Sebastian only grunted in response as he shouldered open the door to their bedroom. He
lowered Kurt on to the bed gently, fighting Kurts attempts to pull him down on top of him. Hang
on, he said. I need to get something to clean us up. He returned with a warm, damp towel a
minute later but instead of giving it to Kurt, began wiping off the dried come himself. Kurt
stretched back against the pillows, letting Sebastian clean him up. It was just a stupid towel, but
Kurt felt pampered nonetheless.

Come here, he said softly when Sebastian had finished. Throwing the towel aside, Sebastian
finally let Kurt pull him down to the bed and kiss him. His tongue flicked out, soft against the roof
of Kurts mouth, familiar. Kurt sucked on it gently, releasing it only to take Sebastians upper lip
between his own lips and press a series of small kisses against it. You know I love you?

I think so. Yeah. Sebastian said with a small grin. The fingers of both hands carded through
Kurts hair, playing lightly with the strands. I love you too.

Thats comforting to know, Kurt teased, eyes crossing as Sebastian leaned in closer to his face.
Their lips met, too lazy to kiss properly but it was satisfying nonetheless.

Move over a bit, Sebastian said a second letter, nudging Kurt with his knee. I want to lie down
properly.

Kurt turned over so his back was pressed along Sebastians chest and drew Sebastians arm
around his waist after theyd tugged the sheets up over themselves. Threading their fingers
together, he raised their joined hands to his lips and kissed the back of Sebastians hand.
Sebastian continued to press small kisses to the back of Kurts ear, his neck and shoulder,
movements getting slower each second. His breathing finally slowed, but he didnt shift away
from Kurts body like he usually did in his sleep. He would, eventually. Sebastian couldnt sleep in
one position throughout the night if someone bound his hands and legs. But for those few
minutes, he remained wrapped around Kurt like a second skin. Kurt breathed deeply, and blinked
sleepily at the windows in front of him.

He was nodding off to sleep himself, nose buried in their pillows that held the
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distinctive them scent of sweat, shampoo and cologne. He realized, seconds before he fell asleep
that this was the same position hed imagined that first morning after waking up in his apartment
after the accident; lying on the bed with someones arm wrapped around his waist, the tingling of
his skin where lips had touched the back of neck - comfortable, safe, loved.