Christian Sex Rules

A guide to what's allowed in the bedroom

Louis and Melissa McBurney
When it comes to sex, most married Christians just do what works for them. f they
ha!e been blessed enough to ha!e disco!ered something that brings satisfaction,
"leasure, closeness, and climax, they most likely will continue that "ractice.
#owe!er, some are "lagued with guilt because they wonder if what they're doing is
sinful.
$C% recei!es many, many &uestions from Christian cou"les who want to know what
is and what is not okay to do sexually. 'nfortunately, churches tend to ignore this
issue, small grou"s usually don't talk about sex, and most Christian books deal with
more (s"iritual( ideas.
%ouldn't it be nice to ha!e a list of sexual "ractices categori)ed by (sinful( or (okay(*
s there such a list* %ould e!eryone agree with the list* s there a solution to this
dilemma*
%e think the answers to those &uestions are+ yes, no, no, and "robably not,in that
order. %e'd really like to create such a list that could settle once and fore!er the
niggling doubts about sexual "ractices. But that's not "ossible. -ifferent communities
of Christians ha!e different understandings about sexual "ractices that are based on
a few general biblical "rinci"les. .o list would be acce"ted by all Christians. /till, we
do want to "ro!ide some guidelines that we ho"e will hel" you enjoy the gift of your
sexuality to the fullest. $hat's what we're con!inced 0od wants for each of his
children.
%e doubt that 0od's sur"rised by the intensity of our sexual desire or of its
fulfillment. /eeing us enjoy the "assion and "leasure seems to fit with his creati!e
nature. $here are some definite boundaries, howe!er, that were identified through
his %ord. $hese are established to "rotect and enhance the maximum enjoyment of
the gift. %e think it's like our gi!ing our kids bicycles. %e'd teach them the safety
rules right away so they could delight in the ride without being run o!er by a car on a
busy street.
1irst, we'd like to "oint out the ob!ious,the Bible is not a manual on sexual
techni&ue. %e'!e heard some "eo"le say that /ong of /olomon describes
acce"table sexual "ositions and beha!ior. %e see it as a "oetic lo!e song that
clearly embraces the joy of sexual "lay. %e don't think it is an attem"t to outline any
s"ecific sexual "ractices.
/econd, we want to em"hasi)e again that there are some s"ecific sexual beha!iors
that are forbidden in scri"tures. Adultery, that is ha!ing sexual intercourse with
another "erson's s"ouse or a "artner other than your own s"ouse, is a sin. 2esus, in
the /ermon on the Mount, dee"ens the im"ortance of marital faithfulness by
extending the "rohibition of infidelity to include a lustful thought life as well as the
"hysical act of intercourse. Looking into our minds and hearts is an im"ortant
"rinci"le for safeguarding the delights of intimacy.
/cri"ture is also clear about the e!il of fornication,"remarital sexual intercourse,
which most of our culture acce"ts as normal and irresistible. %e see many cou"les
suffering from the conse&uences of their early "romiscuity. $he (sexual freedom( of
our time isn't free and usually carries some "retty hea!y costs.
$he Bible also lists other "ractices that are (abominations( to 0od 3Le !. 45, 6om.
4+74897, $hess. :+485, and Cor. ;+4787<=. $hese include homosexuality, bestiality,
and incest.
And last, there is a !ast array of "ossible sexual "ractices for married cou"les that
are not mentioned at all in /cri"ture 3we can find no reference to nternet
"ornogra"hy, !ibrators, or !ideos=. /o, since we aren't likely to find a definiti!e
answer, the best we can do is find the "rinci"les 0od has gi!en us and a""ly them to
the cultural setting we're li!ing in. As we look for those you may not be sur"rised to
find that we're not much different in the twenty8first century than how mankind has
been since creation. %e ha!e the same anatomical e&ui"ment, the same "hysiologic
hormones, the same mental ca"acity for lust and fantasy, and the same relational
needs that ha!e always dri!en men and women to seek sexual "leasure and
intimacy. As >cclesiastes says, (there is nothing new under the sun,( exce"t maybe
the !ast array of new toys.
Exclusivity
Many studies ha!e confirmed what biblical commandments im"ly. $hat is that
becoming one flesh with one "artner "ro!ides the best setting for satisfying sexual
intimacy. /ex is neither a s"ectator s"ort for grou" indulgence nor an e!ent to test a
"erson's ability to score with multi"le "artners. Casual sex as a way to "ro!e one's
"rowess or sim"ly achie!e "hysiologic relief of sexual tension only confirms that his
or her ability to co"ulate is intact. Although "ro!iding some "leasure, it fails to meet
the dee"er need for intimacy that sex was designed to gi!e.
A cou"le in a long8term committed relationshi" enters into a more secure and
trusting territory with each sexual encounter. n that bed sex can truly become
(making lo!e( rather than just ha!ing sex. Multi"le "artners create mistrust,
"erformance anxiety, and com"arison e!aluations that are barriers to the dee"est
le!els of intimacy.
Mutuality
t is ob!ious to most cou"les early on that men and women are significantly different
in their sexual interests and dri!es. Men usually ha!e a desire for more fre&uent sex
and greater !ariety in forms of sexual "lay. %omen usually want more emotional
connectedness through tender touch and con!ersation and "refer more consistent
lo!e8making techni&ue. $hese differences often lead to tension o!er "ositions for
intercourse, fre&uency of sex, and ex"erimentation with different sources of
stimulation.
$his creates enormous o""ortunity for a cou"le to de!elo" mutual submissi!eness in
their relationshi". >ach indi!idual will ha!e ways to show res"ect and gi!e a
meaningful gift of lo!e to his or her mate. %e feel that gi!ing that res"ect to each
other is a huge way to guide your choices of sexual "lay in the direction of genuinely
mature lo!e.
-oing only what is mutually agreeable sexually means that each "artner will make
sacrifices for the sake of intimacy. A wife may gi!e herself more fre&uently or try a
!ariety of sexual ex"eriences that go beyond her comfort )one. A husband may
relin&uish some sexual fantasy or adjust his demands for intercourse twice a day just
to show lo!e to his mate. $hose exercises in "ersonal restraint are not easy, but hel"
build the oneness of intimacy.
/"ecific beha!iors that often fit this criteria are oral sex, rear8entry !aginal
"enetration, initiation of sexual acti!ity, "ositions for intercourse, and mutual
masturbation. %e find no scri"tural injunction against any of these or of fre&uency of
intercourse. $he ?ld $estament command of not ha!ing intercourse during a
woman's menstrual "eriod does seem to ha!e the medical benefit of a!oiding some
infectious "rocesses. @aul's admonition in Corinthians not to withhold sex exce"t by
mutual consent seems to fit with this general "rinci"le of mutuality. t acknowledges
the legitimacy of sexual desire and reinforces the boundary of sex within marriage.
Pleasurability
/exual "lay should be enjoyableA f an acti!ity you're doing doesn't bring enjoyment
to both "artners it will cause resentment and distance between you. $hat's not "art of
the design for (becoming one flesh.( t may be that some forms of your sexual "lay
create "ain for one or both of you. $hat should be e!aluated medically. f something
is creating discomfort, it is "robably treatable 3such as !aginitis or "ainful erections=.
$his can certainly "roduce barriers to intimacy.
At times cou"les may want to ex"lore the areas of sado8masochistic sex or bondage
fantasies. %e feel that these beha!iors mo!e sex out of the arena of selfless lo!e
into that of "ower or domination fantasies. n those neighborhoods sex becomes an
in!asi!e, controlling beha!ior in which one "erson is !iolated. $hat is a sexual
"er!ersion and is likely to create shame, humiliation, and ultimate de!aluation of one
3or both= "artners. %hen domination is a necessary ingredient for sexual "leasure
there tends to be de!elo"ment of tolerance to the le!el of excitation. #ence
increasing le!els of the stimulation are re&uired for the same sense of gratification.
$his is seen in its extreme in "ornogra"hy that includes ra"e and e!en murder as
forms of sexual stimulation.
Relationality
Duh! Bou might think. Well, of course, sexual intimacy includes a strong relational
component.
'nfortunately, that ain't necessarily so. ?ne of the most destructi!e forces we're
seeing these days is the increasing fre&uency of sexual addicti!e disorders. %hen
ha!ing sexual release becomes an addiction dri!en to le!els of com"ulsi!e beha!ior,
the relationshi" with a marriage "artner may be re"laced with !arious stimuli that are
essentially fantasy based. %e ha!e seen men dee"ly hooked on nternet
"ornogra"hy 3or other forms=. $hey are com"ulsi!ely dri!en to increasing ex"osure
to "ornogra"hic stimulation and masturbatory release of sexual tension. %e ha!e
seen women e&ually hooked on romance no!els or chat8room sex talk for sexual
release. $hese disorders dis"lace the relational dimension of sexuality.
Marital sex, if maintained at all, takes "lace mechanically with mental fantasies from
the artificial relationshi"s "ro!iding the only sexual stimulation. $hat robs marriage of
the most crucial "art of intimacy,the blend of relational and sexual connectedness.
$he use of "ornogra"hic films from whate!er source introduces this "ossible danger
into your sexuality. >x"licit sexual materials can "ro!ide sexual excitement and
arousal, but that form of stimulation may erode your enjoyment of each other. $hose
images may also create a basic sense of dissatisfaction with yoursel!es since most
cou"les don't maintain or e!er achie!e the sensual a""earance of "orn actors and
models. $he whole industry is based on illusions and those lies can lead to death of
your relationshi" as well as your sexual satisfaction.
Perpetuating Genital Union
%e delight in sexual "layfulness and creati!e ways to "leasure one another, but
unless it is not "hysically "ossible for a cou"le, we think nothing you do should
com"letely re"lace genital union. $he symbolism of ha!ing the embrace of !agina to
"enis and total gi!ing of the erect "enis to the welcoming !aginal canal is a recurring
reminder that we were created for each other. $he intimacy of that connectedness
should awaken our most "rimiti!e desire for oneness. $o enjoy sexual release in that
most "assionate form of embrace welds us into oneness like few other ex"eriences.
Melissa and Louis McBurney M!"!, 6eal /ex columnists for Marriage
Partnership, are marriage thera"ists and co8founders of Marble 6etreat in Marble,
Colorado, where they counsel clergy cou"les.