FRIENDSHIP

by Simone Weil
The essay from which this extract comes was given to the Dominican Father Perrin
by Simone Weil on the day of her final departure from France. In it she describes four
different inds of !implicit love of "od! including love of religion or religious
practices# love of one!s neighbour# love of the beauty of the world and finally
friendship. She attached great importance to it and wrote in her $oteboos #!%bove
all# never allow oneself to dream of friendship. ... Friendship is not to be sought#
dreamed about# longed for but exercised &it is a virtue'.! For herself# she hardly dared
hope for it. In a letter to Fo( )ous*uet# disabled veteran of the First World War# she
explains why+
,y attitude toward myself-is to be explained-on the level of biological mechanisms. For twelve
years I have suffered from pain around the central point of the nervous system# the meeting place of
soul and body. this pain persists during sleep and has never stopped for a second. For a period of ten
years it was so great# and was accompanied by such exhaustion# that the effort of attention and
intellectual wor was usually almost as despairing as that of a condemned man the day before his
execution. and often much more so# for my efforts seemed completely sterile and without even any
temporary result. I was sustained by the faith# which I ac*uired at the age of fourteen# that no true
effort of attention is ever wasted# even though it may never have any visible result# either direct or
indirect. $evertheless# a time came when I though my soul menaced# through exhaustion and an
aggravation of the pain# by such hideous and total breadown that I spent several wees of anguished
uncertainty whether death was not my imperative duty/although it seemed to me appalling that my
life should end in horror. %s I told you# I was only able to calm myself by deciding to live conditionally#
for a trial period.
% little earlier# when I had already been for years in this physical state# I wored for nearly a
year in engineering factories in the Paris region. The combination of personal experience and
sympathy for the wretched mass of people around me# in which I formed# even in my own eyes# an
undistinguishable item# implanted so deep in my heart the affliction of social degradation that I have
felt a slave ever since# in the 0oman sense of the word.
During all this time# the word "od had no place at all in my thoughts. It never had# until the
day/about three and a half years ago/when I could no longer eep it out. %t a moment of intense
physical pain# while I was maing the effort to love# although believing I had no right to give any name
to the love# I felt# while completely unprepared for it &I had never read the mystics'# a presence more
personal# more certain# and more real than that of a human being. it was inaccessible both to sense
and to imagination# and it resembled the love that irradiates the tenderest smile of somebody one
loves. Since that moment# the name of "od and the name of 1hrist have been more and more
irresistibly mingled with my thoughts.
2ntil then my only faith had been the Stoic amor fati as ,arcus %urelius understood it# and I
had always faithfully practiced it/to love the universe as one3s city# one3s native country# the beloved
fatherland of every soul. to cherish it for its beauty# in the total integrity of the order and necessity
which are its substance# and all the events that occur in it.
The result was the irreducible *uantity of hatred and repulsion which goes with suffering and
affliction recoiled entirely upon itself. %nd the *uantity it very great# because the suffering in *uestion
is located at the very root of my every single thought# without exception.
This is so much the case that I absolutely cannot imagine the possibility that any human being
could feel friendship for me. If I believed in yours it is only because I have confidence in you and you
have assured me of it# so that my reason tells me to believe it. )ut this does not mae it seem any less
the impossible to my imagination.
)ecause of this propensity of my imagination I am all the more tenderly grateful to those who
accomplish this impossibility. )ecause friendship is an incomparable# immeasurable boon to me# and a
source of life/not metaphorically but literally. Since it is not only my body but my soul itself that is
poisoned all through by suffering# it is impossible for my thought to dwell there and it is obliged to
travel elsewhere. It can only dwell for brief moments in "od. it dwells often among things# but it would
be against nature for human thought never to dwell in anything human. Thus it is literally true that
friendship gives to my thought all the life it has# apart from what comes to it from "od or from the
beauty of the world.
So you can see what you have done for me by giving me yours-
There is however a personal and human love whih is pure and whih enshrines an
intimation and refletion of divine love! This is friendship" provided we #eep to the
true meanin$ of the word!
Preferene for some human bein$ is neessarily a different thin$ from harity!
%harity does not disriminate! If it is found more abundantly in any speial &uarter" it
is beause afflition has haned to provide an oasion there for the e'han$e of
ompassion and $ratitude! It is e&ually available for the whole human rae" inasmuh
as afflition an ome to all" offerin$ them an opportunity for suh an e'han$e!
Preferene for human bein$s an be of two #inds! Either we are see#in$ some
partiular $ood in him or we need him! In a $eneral way all possible attahments
ome under one of these heads! We are drawn towards a thin$" either beause there is
some $ood we are see#in$ from it" or beause we annot do without it! Sometimes the
two motives oinide! (ften however they do not! Eah is distint and &uite
independent! We eat distasteful food" if we have nothin$ else" beause we annot do
otherwise! ) moderately $reedy man loo#s out for deliaies" but he an easily do
without them! If we have no air we are suffoated* we stru$$le to $et it" not beause
we e'pet to $et some advanta$e from it but beause we need it! We $o in searh of
sea air without bein$ driven by an neessity" beause we li#e it! In time it often omes
about automatially that the seond motive ta#es the plae of the first! This is one of
the $reat misfortunes of out rae! ) man smo#es opium in order to attain a speial
ondition" whih he thin#s superior* often" as time $oes on" the opium redues him to
a miserable ondition whih he feels to be de$radin$" but he is no lon$er able to do
without it! )rnolphe bou$ht )$nes from her adopted mother" beause it seemed to
him it would be an advanta$e to have a little $irl with him" a little $irl whom he would
$radually ma#e into a $ood wife! +ater on she eased to ause him anythin$ but heart,
rendin$ and de$radin$ torment! -ut with the passa$e of time his attahment to her had
beome a vital bond whih fored this terrible line from his lips. 4,ais 5e sens l67
dedans *u3il faudra *ue 5e cr8ve
Harpa$on stared by onsiderin$ $old as an advanta$e! +ater it beame nothin$
but the ob/et of a hauntin$ obsession" yet an ob/et of whih the loss would ause his
death! )s Plato says" there is a $reat differene between the essene of the Neessary
and that of the 0ood!
There is no ontradition between see#in$ out own $ood in a human bein$ and
wishin$ for his $ood to be inreased! For this very reason" when the motive that draws
us towards anybody is simply some advanta$e for ourselves" the onditions of
friendship are not fulfilled! Friendship is a supernatural harmony" a union of
opposites!
When a human bein$ is in any de$ree neessary to us" we annot desire his
$ood unless we ease to desire our own! Where there is onstraint and domination!
We are in the power of that of whih we stand in need" unless we possess it! The
entral $ood for every man is free disposal of himself! Either we renoune it" whih is
a rime of idolatry" sine it an be renouned only in favour of 0od" or we desire that
the bein$ we stand in need of should be deprived of it!
)ny #ind of mehanism may /oin human bein$s to$ether wwith bonds of
affetion whih have the iron hardness of neessity! 1other love is often of suh a
#ind* so at times is paternal love" as is 9e P8re "oriot of -la2a* so is arnal love in
its most intense form" as in 93:cole des femmes and in Ph8dre* as also" very
fre&uently" is the love between husband and wife" hiefly as a result of habit! Filial
and fraternal love are more rarely of this nature!
There are moreover de$rees of neessity! Everythin$ is neessary in some
de$ree if its loss really auses a derease in vital ener$y! 3This word is here used in
the strit and preise sense that it mi$ht have it the study of vital phenomena were as
far advaned as that of fallin$ bodies!4 When the de$ree of neessity is e'treme"
deprivation leads to death! This is the ase when all the vital ener$y of one bein$ is
bound up with another by some attahment! In the lesser de$rees" deprivation leads to
more or less onsiderable lessenin$ of ener$y! Thus a total deprivation only
diminishes the life fore! Nevertheless the neessary &uantity of food is onsidered to
be that re&uired if a person is not to be wea#ened!
The most fre&uent ause of neessity in the bonds of affetion is a
ombination of sympathy and habit! )s in the ase of avarie and drun#enness" that
whih was at first a searh for some desired $ood is transformed into a need by mere
passa$e of time! The differene from avarie" drun#enness" and all the vies" however"
is that in the bonds of affetion the two motives5searh for a desired $ood" and need
5an very easily oe'ist! They an also be separated! When the attahment of one
bein$ to another is made up of need and nothin$ else it is a fearful thin$! Few thin$s
in this world an reah suh a de$ree of u$liness and horror! There is always
somethin$ horrible whenever a human bein$ see#s what is $ood and only finds
neessity! The stories that tell of a beloved bein$ who suddenly appears with a death6s
head best symboli2e this! The human soul possesses a whole arsenal of lies with
whih to put up a defene a$ainst this u$liness and" in ima$ination" to manufature
sham advanta$es where there is only neessity! It is for this very reason that u$liness
is an evil" beause it ondues to lyin$!
Spea#in$ &uite $enerally" we mi$ht say that there is afflition whenever
neessity" under no matter what form" is imposed so harshly that the hardness e'eeds
the apaity for lyin$ of the person who reeives the impat! That is why the purest
souls are the most e'posed to afflition! For him who is apable of preventin$ the
automati reation of defene" whih tends to inrease the soul6s apaity for lyin$"
afflition is not an evil" althou$h it is always a woundin$ and in a sense a de$radation!
When a human bein$ is attahed to another by a bond of affetion whih
ontains any de$ree of neessity" it is impossible that he should wish autonomy to be
preserved both in himself and in the other! It is impossible by virtue of the mehanism
of nature! It is" however" made possible by the miraulous intervention of the
supernatural! This mirale is friendship!
7Friendship is an e&uality made of harmony"6 said the Pytha$oreans! There is
harmony beause there is a supernatural union between two opposites" that is to say"
neessity and liberty" the two opposites 0od ombined when he reated the world and
men! There is e&uality beause eah wishes to preserve the faulty of free onsent
both in himself and in the other!
When anyone wishes to put himself under a human bein$ or onsents to be
subordinated to him" there is no trae of friendship! Raine6s Pylades is not the friend
of (restes! There is no friendship where there is in e&uality!
) ertain reiproity is essential in friendship! If all $ood will is entirely
la#in$ on one of the two sides" the other should suppress his own affetion" out of
respet for the free onsent whih he should not desire to fore! If on one of the two
sides there is not any respet for the autonomy of the other" this other must ut the
bond unitin$ them out of respet for himself! In the same way" he who onsents to be
enslaved annot $ain friendship! -ut the neessity ontained in the bon of affetion
an e'ist on one side only" and in this ase there is only friendship on one side" if we
#eep to the strit sense and e'at meanin$ of the word!
) friendship is tarnished as soon as neessity triumphs" if only for a moment"
over the desire to preserve the faulty of free onsent on both sides! In all human
thin$s" neessity is the priniple of impurity! )ll friendship is impure if even a trae
of the wish to please or the ontrary desire to dominate is found in it! In a perfet
friendship these two friends have fully onsented to be two and not one" they respet
the distane whih the fat of bein$ two distint reatures plaes between them! 1an
has the ri$ht to desire diret union with 0od alone!
Friendship is a mirale by whih a person onsents to view from a distane"
and without omin$ any nearer" the very bein$ who is neessary to him as food! It
re&uires the stren$th of soul that Eve did not have* and yet she had no need of the
fruit! If she had been hun$ry at the moment when she loo#ed at the fruit" and if in
spite of that she had remained loo#in$ at it indefinitely without ta#in$ one step toward
it" she would have performed a mirale analo$ous to that of perfet friendship!
Throu$h this supernatural mirale of respet for human autonomy" friendship
is very li#e the pure forms of ompassion and $ratitude alled forth by afflition! In
both ases the ontraries whih are the terms of the harmony are neessity and liberty"
or in other words subordination and e&uality! These two pairs of opposites are
e&uivalent!
From the fat that the desire to please and the desire to ommand are not
found in pure friendship" it has in it" at the same time as affetion" somethin$ not
unli#e a omplete indifferene! )lthou$h it is a bond between two people it is in a
sense impersonal! It leaves impartiality intat! It in no way prevents us from imitatin$
the perfetion of our Father in heaven who freely distributes sunli$ht and rain in every
plae! (n the ontrary" friendship and this distribution are the mutual onditions on of
the other" in most ases at any rate! For" as pratially every human bein$ is /oined to
others by bonds of affetion that have in them some de$ree of neessity" he annot $o
toward perfetion e'ept by transformin$ this affetion into friendship! Friendship has
somethin$ universal about it! It onsists of lovin$ a human bein$ as we should li#e to
be able to love eah soul in partiular of all those who $o to ma#e up the human rae!
)s a $eometriian loo#s at a partiular fi$ure in order to dedue the universal
properties of the trian$le" so he who #nows how to love direts upon a partiular
human bein$ a universal love! The onsent to preserve an autonomy within ourselves
and in others is essentially of a universal order! )s soon as we wish for this autonomy
to be respeted in more than /ust one sin$le bein$ we desire it for everyone" for we
ease to arran$e the order of the world in a irle whose enter is here below! We
transport the enter of the irle beyond the heavens!
Friendship does not have this power if the two bein$s who love eah other"
throu$h an unlawful use of affetion" they thin# the form only one! -ut then there is
not friendship in the true sense of the word! That is what mi$ht be alled an
adulterous union" even thou$h it omes about between husband and wife! There is not
friendship where distane is not #ept and respeted!
The simple fae of havin$ pleasure in thin#in$ in the same way as the beloved
bein$" or in any ase the fat of desirin$ suh an a$reement of opinion" atta#s the
purity of the friendship at the same time as its intelletual inte$rity! It is very fre&uent!
-ut at the same time pure friendship is rare!
When the bonds of affetion and neessity between human bein$s are not
supernaturally transformed into friendship" not only is the affetion of an impure and
low order" but it is also ombined with hatred and repulsion! That is shown very well
in 93:cole des Femmes and in Ph8dre. The mehanism is the same in affetions other
than arnal love! It is easy to understand this! We hate what we are dependent upon!
We beome mi'ed with hatred and revulsion* it is entirely han$ed into it! The
transformation may sometimes even be almost immediate" so that hardly any affetion
has had time to show* this is the ase when neessity is laid bare almost at one!
When the neessity whih brin$s people to$ether has nothin$ to do with the emotions"
when it is simply due to irumstanes" hostility often ma#es its appearane from the
start!
When %hrist said to his disiples. 7+ove one another"6 it was not attahment he
was layin$ down as their rule! )s it was a fat that there were bonds between them
due to the thou$hts" the life" and the habits they shared" he ommanded them to
transform these bonds into friendship" so that they should not be allowed to turn into
impure attahment or hatred!
Sine" shortly before his death" %hrist $ave this a new ommandment to be
added to the two $reat ommandments of the love of our nei$hbour and the love of
0od" we an thin# that pure friendship" li#e the love of our nei$hbour" has in it
somethin$ of a sarament! %hrist perhaps wished to su$$est this with referene to
%hristian friendship when he said. 7Where there are two or three $athered to$ether in
my name there am I in the midst of them! Pure friendship is an ima$e of the ori$inal
and perfet friendship that belon$s to the Trinity and is the very essene of 0od! It is
impossible for two human bein$s to be one while srupulously respetin$ the distane
that separates them" unless 0od is present in eah of them! The point at whih
parallels meet is infinity!