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Marys Song
Her name was Mary. One summer she moved into the neighborhood when I was ten and she was
a year and a half or two years younger like eight or nine. The first time I saw her I was standing
on the curb with Jackie and this big moving van pulls up in front of my friends Frankies old
house, he moved away in the early part of the spring. This scrawny little girl who was nothing
more than skin and bones hops out between two big movers from the front seat of the truck and
she slips and lands on her backside. Jackie and I are standing around snickering and laughing
amongst ourselves, whispering back and forth that she was a Skank, a term we learned from my
brother and his friends. Then Jackie says to me she looks just like this weasel he saw on a
Saturday morning cartoon, and from that time forward we called her The Weasel.
We walked around the corner talking and making judgments about her and we decided she was
ugly as sin. She had these enormous buckteeth that protruded out from an unnaturally small
mouth, and she contorted her mushy lips like invalids and people with disfigured faces do trying
to cover those teeth up so people wouldnt notice as much, but that made her look even more like
a Weasel, and she had limp looking stringy blonde hair that covered her little head and eyes like
a mop making it hard to tell if she was looking at you, away from you or you wondered if she
even noticed you.
We really didnt know for sure but it was rumored she came from a farm somewhere out in
Western Pennsylvania. She walked with her head to the ground and her shoulders rounded and
rolled over in a way that reminded you of kids youd seen on TV shows or in the movies living
somewhere on a farm or up in the backwoods of Kentucky, maybe even Appalachia or
someplace like that. Later on we found out she came from her grandfathers pig farm up in Erie
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Pennsylvania. Her father ran that farm, but as rumor had it he had to bust out of there in a hurry
over something he did that must have been real bad, but nobody ever told us what it was. It was
just one of those secrets you keep on guessing on.
Her skin was unnaturally pale and she had these freckles all over her body and face, and they
drove me nuts, because there was a kid at camp named Jeffry with freckles and I couldnt stand
him. So, because she was ugly and had freckles I felt perfectly justified in torturing this poor
little soul throughout her childhood. One other thing I forgot to mention, her long legs, they were
too long for her body and they made her movements awkward and clumsy. I hated the way she
was always falling off her bike and tripping over curbs and cracks in the pavement and
everything else she did. And her voice, that was the topper of all toppers. She had this squeaky
high-pitched voice like Mini Mouse or some cartoon Chipmunk. I really had it in for her.
For years when she walked or rode her bike down the street Id chase after her and stick out my
tongue and make funny faces. Id yell out at her, Hey Weasel, watchadoin Weasel? Weasel,
Weasel, look at her, aint she just one ugly looking Weasel. Let me hear you squeal, can you
squeal real good for me just once, Weasel. Weasel, Weasel, Weasel
I was so mean to that poor little girl I still feel guilty about it. Id pull her hair, rip a piece of her
clothing, Id kick her, nail her in the head with a snowball in the winter and dirtball in the
summer. I did all I could do to make her life on earth one big miserable experience. Kids can be
so rotten sometimes and I was certainly guilty in that respect.
I was just too young and stupid to understand the depths of this poor girls misery. Her father
was this mean alcoholic who smoked three packs of Camels a day and was quickly heading
towards the first stage of tuberculosis, and her mother, a slag wife, who gave no visible form of
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affection, seemed to treat her like an annoyance, like a pet she was sorry she adopted. A boy my
age could never fathom the awful pain I was causing her. But when youre ten somehow you feel
like its your duty to continually shower the skanky girl with a reign of homespun terror. I kept at
The Weasel for years. Most people would have never forgiven me for what I had done, but she
did she was different.
Some years passed and I moved on into teenage adolescence. Suddenly, I was feeling this
strange itchy tingly sensation in my crotch that just wouldnt go away with just a scratch.
Scratching made it worse, but then I soon wised up and stopped scratching it and started stroking
it and that solved all my problems at least for a while.
I was just so busy with this whole new world of jerking off and getting pimples on my face I
didnt have time to spare for The Weasel. Me, Jackie and a bunch of guys from school we all just
became sex experts overnight; we knew everything. We talked all about what you did with your
dick once you got it inside a girls pussy; what you did was you twirled it around when you were
inside there, thats what drove them crazy and kept them coming back for more. And you
tightened up your ass real hard and plunged your way in as far as your penis could go and you
and kept on plunging, and that along with blowing in their ear is what drove them wild too. We
knew every angle of the game, and all of us were obsessed with sex; all we ever talked about
were Rubbers, Vaseline, French Ticklers and who had the hottest mother and would you fuck
her if shed let you do it. We used to all pull out our penises and show them to each other,
comparing length width and trajectory. We demonstrated our personal styles of jerking off giving
each other tips, all of having our own unique style to share. We all respected one another as
masters of the art.
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When I reached my middle teens and actually started dating girls I didnt see The Weasel around
much at all. Then one day she walked by in that blue checkered uniform which was the staple for
all the Catholic girls who went to Saint Raymonds, located in town of Mt Airy, which lied
within the city of Philadelphia, the place where I grew up and where all of the things in this
story happened.
The Weasel was in her last year of Saint Raymonds and she had changed. She was no longer
that skinny little runt that jumped out of that truck. She had breasts now and a beautiful body
shape. She had big round breasts and this cute little ass that swished back and forth under her
uniform. Her face had filled out and her teeth werent bucked anymore. We passed each other
and I smiled at her and she smiled right back. And that was the last time I thought of her as The
Weasel. She turned into Mary. I put her right into the spank bank.
When I tried telling Jackie, who was not quite as sexually advanced as I was, about my discovery
he told me I was nuts and said everything he could think of to convince me that she was still just
The Weasel. He laughed at me a said if I had any thoughts about her being anything but a dirty
Skank I was out of mind just for thinking about it. We were best friends but I didnt pay much
attention to what he had to say. Jackie was younger than I was and it wasnt his fault the
beginnings of his adolescent sexuality hadnt kicked in yet. Now I was curious about her. How
did this happen? She changed into a real girl so quickly; such a beautiful girl in fact.
One mild winter day I was sitting out on the front porch with my parents when Mary comes
walking towards us in her Catholic school uniform. Her hair had turned thick and it was now an
auburn color. She had it pinned back from her face and for the first time I noticed her warm blue
eyes looking straight at me, expectantly, shyly. Im studying her face as my parents are
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watching me. The more I look at her the prettier she becomes. Theres an aura coming from her
like sunshine, and shes drawing me in like a magnet. She was magic with an energy that you
cant explain in words, but it was real, and it surrounded her and transcended her physical
appearance that caused a shift in my mind and it moved me like nothing else had before.
I had no experience with these kinds of feelings and I didnt quite know how to react to them.
Neither of my parents could see it the magic, they were too busy being blinded by prejudice and
their usual brand of negativity. At that moment I just wanted to grab her and run off with her
somewhere. We could live in the forest.
Im nervous just standing there. What did she want? It didnt matter. We hadnt said two words
to each other for years, just that smile between us about a month ago and now I dont want her to
ever leave; then she says, Hi Rob.
My parents tensed up and turned to look at her.
Would you like to come to a basketball game over at the school with me Saturday night?
I look at her, and then at my parents who are now shaking their heads in disbelief and excuse
themselves and go inside the house.
I said, Yeah, Mary, I think that would be great.
She looks at me and says, Your parents dont seem to like me.
Dont worry, Ill talk to them.
Then I said, Boy you sure changed Mary, you changed a lot.
She laughed and spun around to show herself off, So I dont look like a Weasel anymore?
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My eyes hit the ground in shame. She walked up to me and took my hand. Dont worry about
that, we were just kids. I think you are a good person Rob, I can feel it.
She let go and ran off yelling back at me, I hope you can make it, its supposed to be a great
game.
This was the middle sixties, and Im living in this provincial Philadelphia town. Times are
supposed to be changing but not nearly fast enough for me or her. According to my parents Jews
go out with Jews and that was that.
It doesnt matter what they said. Catholic girl -whatever, it doesnt matter, I had become
entranced with her and I was going to that basketball game at her school. .
I go back in the house to talk this over with them. I am hoping the conversation will be fair and
reasonable.
My mother says, Are you out of your frigging mind? Why on earth would you want to go out
with that homely little girl? She comes from the backwoods for Christ sake. And to a basketball
game with a bunch of goyim, what is wrong with you?
She turns to my father and tells him to say something.
He says, Hes not going, so theres no argument here. You hear me Rob, youre not going, and
if I find out you did go God help you.
Im ashamed of them. Who the hell did they think they were? She is a girl and I am a boy, what
else matters. So what, were Jews, what did that mean? Were no better or worse than anyone
else as far as Im concerned.
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I said, She came over and asked me to go on a date and Im going out with her. Shes a nice girl
and I want to go. Theyre not lining up at the door so heres a chance for me to go on a real date
so Im going.
They both started in with the whole Jewish thing again.
What is wrong with you? Why are you bringing religion into this? Its a date to a basketball
game, not a marriage proposal.
My Old Man says, Shes as Catholic that Weasel is. Youre not going out with a Catholic girl,
and I dont want you ever getting mixed up with one, theyre nothing but trouble. Theyre
always wrestling with their sins and their guilt and worrying about going to hell and all the rest
of that crap. Take my work for it Robbie stay away.
Find you a nice Jewish girl, my mother says. Make me proud. Dont go prowling around like
your brother looking for anything you can find. Youre supposed to be different. Dont be
wasting your time with a with low class white trash like her.
Then my father chimes in again, All you have to do is look at that father of hers and you can see
hes a classic Jew Hater, and so is the mother. If the Nazis came here looking for us theyd be the
first ones to rat us out, you mark my words.
My mother says, Just take a look at her mother. Shes nothing but a hag, a beast. Thats what
youre little friend Mary is going to wind up looking like in twenty years. When youre picking
out a girl just look at the mother and Ill guarantee you shell be looking just like her in twenty
years.
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I tell them that Im not thinking in terms of marriage, all were talking about here is a basketball
game and nothing more. They kept on pressuring me and pressuring me, and because of that I
made the horrible mistake of going back to Mary and making up some kind of lame excuse about
not being able to go. Shes smiling and saying thats okay, well do it another time, but I can see
that shes hurt and I feel like two cents. I walked around Mt Airy all night doing some real
serious soul searching and all I wanted to do was go back to her and talk to her, but I didnt have
the guts.
Im getting ready to finish High School and summer is coming I make plans to go to Community
College for a year and then transfer into a real school. I get a part time job at Horn&Hardart for
the summer and kick back. Then Im starting to hear rumors about Mary turning into a tramp
and a whore. Jackies tells me all these details about how shes doing guys on the first date,
giving blow jobs in parking lots and getting fucked in drive-in movies.
Hes laughing while hes telling me a story about this beer party he went to a couple of weeks
ago and how everybody got rip roaring drunk on beer and high on weed. He said Mary was there.
The guys got her real drunk and threw her in the back of a car, tore off her clothes and poured
beer all over her. Jackie tells me twenty guys lined up to fuck her and she took as many on as
she could until she passed out. Im getting sick inside while hes telling me all this and Im
hoping that none of it is true.
That summer started out badly. After a couple of weeks of work I was discontented and filled
with sexual frustration and fear of the future. I had a chance to take another job at an overnight
camp but I passed on that because the pay was so low and I was in no mood play host to a bunch
of little campers the timing wasnt right.
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So Im hanging around the house after work smoking pot, drinking beer and eating so much I
wound gaining a bunch of weight. Then I hear about Mary again. Shes a Flower Child now,
hanging out with Hippies and Motorcycle Creeps. Shes travelling all over the country smoking
anything that will burn and dropping acid. I even heard she was living on a commune in New
Hampshire for a while.
She comes back to town that summer and one morning I see her bopping down the driveway
wearing a tie dye shirt without a bra. Im going nuts watching her tits bouncing and her ass
shaking in these tight bellbottom jeans. Her father got real sick and is lying in bed waiting to die
of lung cancer so she doesnt have to put up with him any longer and moves out of her bedroom
and sets up this little hippie pad in the basement.
Im walking up and down the driveway passing her door, hoping shell notice me. I hear strange
music coming from her basement, the smell of incense and these familiar pungent odors are
making their way from her threshold to the street. The sounds and smells are luring me like
sirens drawing me closer and closer to her door like a helpless fly to a spider web. I want to call
her name, I want to knock, but shes all too mysterious and strange and I just dont have the
nerve.
Im keep passing by and each time I look a little longer and move a little slower hoping and
praying that sooner or later shell notice me. I cant stand it anymore and I start peeking through
her door. I want to know whats going on inside. Maybe shes having an orgy. Maybe its like
the one I just saw in that movie, Joe.
Then, as fate would have it, one day my luck changes. The sun is just starting to go down and
Im passing by her basement moving slower than ever. Im peeking in the door and acting like a
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real peeping-tom, and then she comes up behind me and scares the shit out of me. Shes twirling
the locks of her hair and saying, Looking for something special Rob? She laughs and asks me
if I lost something and can she help me find it.
So, I say the first stupid thing that pops in my mind, I say. Well, its the music, I keep on
hearing this really cool music coming from your place and I was just stopping to listen,. is what
I said and Im dancing around sounding like bullshit, Im sorry, I wont do it anymore, its kind
of creepy, I know.
Shes looking at me with smile on her face. Is the music all youre curious about, Rob?
Yeah, its the music, for sure its the music, I tell her.
She says okay takes me by the hand and brings inside so we can listen to the music together.
The basement has this sweet pungent smell of fragrant oils from the Far East and opium. There
are candles and beads hanging everywhere, water pipes in all shapes and sizes, and an Indian
print fabric cloth billows from the ceiling transforming that basement into what seems like a
Sultans lair. I sit on an old mohair sofa underneath a black light poster of Popeye putting the
stones to Olive Oyl, and Im watching Mary as she bends over the turntable and puts on an
album.
The music starts to play and I hear this sitar going off, and Mary asks me if I ever heard of Ravi
Shankar. No, it told her, no I never heard of him.
Theres magic to his music, I love it, it really make me high. Does music make you high Rob?
I said, The Beach Boys made me high. When I listened to their music all my senses mind are
drawn to the ocean and the beaches they were singing about. I wanted to find Surfer Girl. I
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wanted a Woody. Their songs made me realize there was some whole other kind of life outside
of Philadelphia and as soon as I got the chance I was going out and finding it.
She said that was cool and she wanted to go out there too someday. I was looking at her hair, and
it was long thick and curly, long enough to reach the back of her ass. She was sexy as hell. We
listened to a part of the Ravi Shankar record and then she gets up and puts on another album, the
Young Bloods I think it was. Shes standing by the turntable smiling at me, and its this warm
serene smile that makes me feel like I just made it home and I dont ever want to leave, then she
sits right next to me on the sofa.
My mind is squirming. Im thinking about all those stories I heard about her. Did she really take
on all those guys? She pushes herself closer to me. Does she want to do it? I fooled around with
a couple of girls but I dont know too much at all about sex. Im just a big talker. Shes been
around, she knows all about it. Im nervous but still praying something happens. All the while
Ive been walking up and down the driveway Ive had all these sexual scenarios running through
my head like a fantasy train. All kinds of images are popping through my brain from fine erotica
down to cheap 16 millimeter porno movie action. Ive been pining for her and, dying for her
touch. Somehow I had fallen into something beyond obsession.
Im hoping and praying that my desires and natural male instincts will pull me through these
coming moments. Nothing else in the world matters right now but Mary. This is the only place I
ever want to be.
Im rationalizing and thinking to myself, does it really matter what shes done in the past? All of
us are guilty of having done bad things and nobodys hands are perfectly clean. She is a woman
experienced. She can take me to places they sing about in songs, to places I have never been
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before. Tonight I will be transformed and I will discover the ways of love. She will deliver me
from the shackles of boyhood, and by the end of this night I will know once and for all what it is
like to be a man. I told myself I didnt care one iota what she had done in the past.
She runs her fingers through my hair. I love the smell of her and I breathe her in. She smells like
flowers, patchouli oil and Atlantic City. Her tie dye shirt is loose and I can look down and see
her breasts, her nipples. She catches me looking, laughs and she says, Tell me the truth, Rob,
this isnt the first time youve been peeking around my door, is it?
Nah, I say sheepishly. I was just walking by and
She puts her hands over my mouth and says, This is okay, Im glad you came. You dont have
to say anymore.
This big black cat of hers jumps in her lap and lays its head against her chest.
I love this cat, she tells me, I get so much positive energy from her. Cats come straight from
heaven, did you know that?
I shake my head yes, I say they must be from heaven. Truth be said I hate cats and I wanted to
take this one and fling it out the window because it was plain this cat was finding it amusing how
easily it was stealing the stage.
I stay cool, play along and say, So cats are from heaven, thats nice really nice.
Shes stroking its little pin head, and its purring and looking right at me and I can tell its
laughing at me because it was so easy for it to just move right in on the action.
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I tell her that dogs have to be from heaven too, and she shrugs her shoulders and mumbles
something like maybe or maybe not.
Suddenly Im starting to panic because were losing the mood. This could be the most important
moment of my life and were talking about dogs and cats while we should be rolling on the floor
with our clothes off.
But, I stay cool. I play along, I humor her. If I allow all my desires to appear transparent that
could turn her off. Ive waited eighteen years for a day like this to come along, so I had to be
patient, play along, and let things flow naturally. I looked down at her legs, and they were
smooth and beautiful. I wanted to do touch her so bad. And Im figuring if half the stuff they
say about her is true then she has to be real hot for sex, at least half a nymphomaniac Im hoping.
If I played my cards right I just might find my day in sun with her body wrapped around me.
I began to question if it was bad that I was thinking these types of thoughts. Would I just be
using her to meet my own ends? She was too good for that. The conclusion came quickly.
Whatever dirty stuff I was thinking didnt really matter when you matched it up against the real
desire I had for her. Passion is a powerful thing and you cant measure it or tell how far you
might take it or where it may lead you. I was completely caught up in something I couldnt stop,
and the way I felt right then, unbridled passion, could have easily led me across state lines to
Maryland where the marrying age was only sixteen. So I set caution to the wind and let myself
off the hook on issues of guilt and shame, at least for the time being.
We go back to playing the Hell game. I guess a Sewer Rat must be straight out of hell, dont
you think?
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She giggles. Yeah, Ill bet you rats are from hell; rats, pigeons, man eating sharks, they all have
to be from hell, dont you think? What else, this is fun.
Shes laughing as Im naming all of these rotten creature, termites, flying ants, fire breathing
dragons, the mambo snake, wild boars and the laughing hyena, all of them straight out of hell.
Then she says something that really took me back, she says, My father, that sonofabitch is right
out of hell. He hates my guts and as sick as he is, when he works up enough energy to talk he
calls me a slut and a whore. He hates me. He has such a negative spirit, he always has been. I
feel sorry for him because hell never make peace with himself or with God. He lived miserable
and thats the way hes going to die, miserable.
I didnt expect her to say anything like that and it shook me up and now I feel obligated to
confess something to her so I tell her how I feel about my father.
I say, Im not sure about my father anymore. Hes changed so much lately you cant tell if hes
from heaven or hell from one moment to the next. All he cares about lately is my curfew, and
some nights when I sneak in through the basement hes there waiting in the shadows to kick the
shit out of me for coming home late.
She moves closer and puts her hands across my legs, says, He beats you?
Yeah, he does, but mostly its slaps, he never really comes after me with a closed fist. Hed kill
me if he did that. The man is just too powerful and full of rage.
But he hits you, she repeats.
Yeah, he does.
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Well then, were both victims of abuse.
I shrugged and told her I guess that was true but my father really wasnt all that bad.
Mary tells me, You never have to worry about me hurting you because Im from heaven, too.
She leans over and whispers in my ear, You might think Im crazy, and youre the only one Ive
ever told this too, Im a White Witch, and I have magical powers.
I ask her to do some kind of trick like turn her cat into a frog.
She laughs and says, One thing I can do is predict the future.
Then tell me, tell me what going to happen.
Well, first of all you and I are going to be friends, real friends.
Friends, oh no, not that, that word is the kiss of death that ends any hope of romance. Why
would she say that? Friends is a bad thing, it means I like you, but not enough to make love to
you. Oh, I could see it all coming together now. My expectations shattered in a matter of
moments. She and I would just be friends and hang out together until Mister Right comes along,
some guy she wants to be with romantically and then thats the end of me, goodbye friend. What
else does a friend actually mean?
It was all over before it started. I was never going to get the chance to be with her and learn the
secrets of love. How could she be so cruel to want me for a friend? What did I do to deserve
this? I should have gone with her to that basketball game.
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Whats the matter Rob, she asks like she knows exactly what Im thinking. Are you ashamed
to be friends with me? Are you afraid of what people might say if they find out youre going
around hanging around with The Weasel?
When she said The Weasel it hit me right in the chest and it hurt, and I said, No its just that
She put up her hand and stopped me. Its just that youre worried if we become friends you
wont be able to make love to me? Isnt that right, Rob? You want me, dont you? Isnt that the
real reason you been coming down the alley and peeking in my doorway for the last couple of
weeks? Shes smiling a knowing smile while she saying this.
She hit the nail right on the head and I was ashamed. She couldnt have come closer to the truth
and I just didnt know what to say. I started to get up to leave and she pulled me back down.
She put both hands behind my head and looked me straight in the eyes. I looked dead at her and
she was so pretty, and her looks were growing on me every second. I saw so many things in her
face all at once. On the surface there was sadness and the fear that came from her environment,
but I looked beyond her veneer of sadness and I was able to see expressions that were full of
hope and magic. An energy exuded from her soul and it lifted me up and I could hear it calling
out, Im all alone, what I need is a friend, a real solid friend.
Could I be her friend? Did I have the strength to withstand the mockery and ridicule that would
come from being buddies with Weasel the Slut?
Her eyes were still fixed on mine and again it was likes she read my mind and said, Please be
my friend. Please Rob. Ive been around lots of guys and all they ever want to do is use me and
when they get what they want they just leave. I know you have heard all the rumors about me,
and Im just sick to death of all of it. No more hanging out with guys who dont care about me
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anymore, Im done with that. Theres just no way to please them. Im ready for somebody to
love me.
She began to cry and asked me to hold her and I held her in my arms.
She asked me, Is there something wrong with me? Am I such a bad person? Tell me the truth
Rob do you think Im bad?
No Mary, I dont think youre bad, I think youre beautiful inside and out.
You really mean that?
Yes, I do.
I need someone to love me and take care of me, to hold me like your holding me now. She
looked up at the basement ceiling and said, You know, theres never been any love in this
house. No love at all. My father is nothing but a mean old drunk, and my mother has done
nothing with her life besides using up all her energy trying to survive his abuse and his reign of
terror, which left her with no kind of love and very little time for me.
She wrapped her arms around my head and pressed her lips to my ear, whispering, begging me to
promise to be her friend and to never betray her. Promise Rob, promise me now.
I nodded yes. She started kissing me all around my neck and face. Ever since we were kids,
even when you were trying to hurt me all the time, I always sensed there was something different
about you. I always knew you had a good heart inside.
You thought that? I asked. Even back when I chased you down and threw snowballs at your
head.
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Yes, even back then. You threw them at me, but never that hard.
Then she kissed me and we held onto each other and kissed for a long time. I could feel the heat
rising up in my brain and all these unfamiliar but wonderful sensations are coursing through my
mind and body. I started comparing other experiences I had with girls, girls I played around with
underneath the boardwalk at the Jersey Shore. Girls I finger popped outside of dance parties in
the back of Jackies old van. There was this one girl I met from Canada at a beach party last
summer, a beautiful girl. We found a spot on the beach and kissed all night long, she even let me
play with her tits. I thought that might have felt like love, but it was nothing compared to what I
was feeling during these moments with Mary. It was like I had passed right into heaven.
When we stopped I told her how much I did want to be her friend.
She told me not to worry. Well make love, she promised. And it wont be just fucking, it
will be real love making because I love you already, Rob Ive loved you for a long time. I never
had real love, and I cant say I know what its like, but I do know that its real, you just need the
right person to find it with. Do you think we can find it together?
My head is nodding and I say, Yes, together we will find it.
Mary said she had to go upstairs for a while and she made promise to come back later in the
night. She said she had a special place she was going to take me to.
The only problem was, I told her, I had to wait for the Old Man to go to fall off to sleep and then
Id sneak out the back door and come back for her. She stops me at the door and makes me swear
that Im coming back no matter what. I swear to her that I will.
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Im lying in my bed waiting for the Old Man to fall off to sleep. As soon as he dozes off he starts
snoring, the whole house shakes and you cant hear a thing and then its time to make my exit.
Im seeing visions of Mary everywhere. I see her face on the ceiling, on the walls, the carpet. I
see visions of her behind the shadows of the closet and down the hallway. All I can smell is the
sweet smell of her hair, her body. All I want is to be with her, to hold her, to touch her. The
realization of how quickly life can move hits me. Those short moments we just spent together
has transformed my life. That girl I chased and tortured through childhood had now become my
first love.
The Old Man is in bed watching Johnnie Carson and I hear the show coming to the end. He
clicks off the TV, goes to the toilet, farts, burps and falls asleep snoring. He has this serious
killer like snore that rattles the brain and damages the ears. Now the house is shaking to its
underpinnings, termites are dying, windows are cracking and my mothers teeth are getting
looser.
The coast is clear so I hop out of bed and get dressed and I know even if my mother is awake she
wont hearing me over his snore. Theres not much left of her hearing after sleeping with my
father all those years.
I sneak out the back door and walk down the driveway. I can see the red glow of Marys
cigarette as she leans against the garage waiting for me. And she says, I was worried you
werent going to make it.
I promised you Id come back. I couldnt leave until the Old Man fell asleep.
Here, take these, she says, and hands me a bag of plastic flowers and some candles.
20

I look at her funny.
Dont worry, youll see.
She pulls out a pack of Lucky Strikes and we both light up as we walk down the driveway that
divides the row homes on either side. It was warm summer night, my favorite time to be out on
the prowl. It was a perfect night, no wind and not a cloud in the sky. It was before the
neighborhood changed, when it was still safe and quiet and you could walk around all night
wrapped up in your own little world where nobody would intrude. It was just me and Mary
walking beneath the stars and the moonlight, and the only sounds we heard were the buzz of
street lamps and that clicking noise that came from the traffic lights as they shifted between
colors. Everybody else was sleeping. Even the cars looked like they were sleeping as we headed
down the driveway and made our way out to the street.
We walked all the way down to Cheltenham Ave. which is the township line, where the city
meets the suburbs, and then we crossed the street over to Montgomery Township. Im always
amazed how the air is so much fresher and cleaner the moment you step out of the city limits. As
you move in a few hundred yards then the air really starts to change.
Mary is laughing and playing the game of not telling me where we are going. I dont know
where were headed until we get right up on it, and were standing in front at the entrance
looking at the stone that reads Holy Seplecure Cemetery, in raised brass letters.
This is the cemetery. I say to her. What the hell are we doing at a cemetery?
Its my favorite place in the world, is what she tells me.
21

Youre what? Your favorite place in the world, theres nothing but dead people in there. Lets
get out of here, this is nuts. I start walking away and she grabs the back of my shirt.
Listen to me Rob, its only their bodies that are dead, not their spirits, and they are still very
much alive.
I start backing off, and I tell her, This is not a good idea, Mary. I wish you told me where we
were going. I never expected this evening turning out to be a scary night.
She laughs and asks me if Im too scared to go in.
Its not that Im scared.
Shes nodding her head and laughing and telling me that I am scared, that Im scared to death,
but Im a guy and guys are always afraid to admit it when theyre scared.
A cemetery is a place you drive by in your car, I said, Sometimes you look at the headstones
and think about death and sometimes you dont. Youre not supposed to go walking around them
with candles in the middle of the night. Why dont we go back to my place and well get some
poles and bait and lets go fishing at Valley Green instead, what do you say? You like going
fishing, dont you?
She stood tapping her foot and looking at me with a blank stare.
Okay, maybe fishing is a bad idea. We dont have to do that. How bout we take the trail the
arboretum, theres plenty of magic in that place at night. Or we could walk to Valley Green and
not go fishing. Theres still time to get there and back before the sun comes up.
22

She comes over and hugs me, tells me not to act like a sissy. She tells me once we start going
through the place Ill thank her for it.
Mary, Im not a sissy, its just that I fell like an intruder. If I was lying in there dead I dont
think Id be wanting people to be walking around my grave in the middle of the night. Dont you
think these people want to be left in peace? Rest in Peace, thats the big catch phrase on most of
those stones, isnt it there for a reason?
No, no thats wrong Rob, she says. They love to have visitors and be around people.
How do you know that, and please dont start telling me they talk to you, not that, okay.
None of them have actually spoken to me yet but Im getting to know them better each time I
come here. There are spirits that are starting to come into my head like faint shadows and I can
feel their vibrations on my body. I think one day Ill be able to hear them. You think they want to
be left alone, youre wrong. Why do you think people visit the graves of their friends and
families and leave flowers and the Jewish people place rocks on the stones? Its a natural
instinct that people have. They might not know exactly why they are doing it, but that doesnt
matter, what matters is theyre drawn to do it, theyre drawn to not let them lie alone.
I just figure shes nuts. Pretty but nuts, but I go along with it and we climb the chain-link fence
and enter the cemetery.
Here, she says, and pulls two candles from the bag she handed me and we light them up.
Candle light is the only light you want to walk around a graveyard with. Flashlights get them
upset.
Shes definitely a nut case. Oh boy, what did I set myself up for?
23

She calls me over to one of the graves and holds a candle up to the inscription on the stone. This
person was born in July, and since its her birthday month, we should leave one of the plastic
flowers next to her.
We go walking around all the graves looking for people who were born in July so we could lay
flowers beside them to commemorate their birth dates. You never know what you might wind up
doing in life. I ask her why were using plastic flowers instead of real flowers, and she tells me
that they last a lot longer and the dead people wouldnt be able to tell the difference anyway. Its
the gesture that matters, not the actual object itself.
They still have thoughts and feelings, Mary says. But nothing in the material world really
matters to them because they dont have bodies to worry about any more just their souls and
spirits lie intact.
We hold our candles against our chests and wander in and out between row upon row of
headstones until we come to a long line of mausoleums decked out with fancy pillars and carved
doors at the entrance. They remind me of tiny mansions, and Im thinking why would somebody
want to be bothered with a house after they are dead?
Mary lies on her back with her head pressed against a headstone and folds her arms over her
chest with a plastic flower between her fingers. No matter what, this is how we all wind up, is
what she says. Rob, did you ever stop to think how long were dead compared to how long
were alive? Life, its like mini-seconds compared to death. Its really amazing, dont you
think?
She pats the ground gesturing for me to come and lie next to her.
24

Im telling her no way. This dead people stuff is way too morbid for me. Why dont we just get
the hell out of here and go down by the creek at the arboretum. Its warm enough, we can go
swimming. And I want to show you what I found I found fresh water spring right off from the
duck pond. You can drink right out of it and you wont get sick. Its the best water I ever tasted
for sure.
She doesnt say anything, and lies there pouting in silence, so I feel bad, and I tell myself okay,
Ill play along and lay down beside her and ask her to tell me the truth and admit this little
excursion is not as normal as shes making it out to be. I just never heard of anybody doing this
kind of thing. She tells me no, its not weird and its not creepy. She says it just isnt fair that
dead people never get much company, especially at night when they really get lonely.
She goes on to convince me how its a good thing for us to be hanging out in the graveyard
making all these corpses feel good.
She pushes herself up and leans her back against the headstone. Youre looking at all of this the
wrong way, Rob. A cemetery is really beautiful thing if you just stop to think about it. Its a
place where all of this transition goes on all the time. And Im not crazy, I know that cemeteries
and headstones are things that creep most people out, but think about it, our lives here on earth is
short. When your body dies its just the beginning of a more important, a much more special
spiritual journey, at least for some of us. I dont think that every soul moves on through to
another higher spiritual level though, only the good ones do.
Who decides that?
You decide that. God decides it. If you are good and you do good things for people I believe
your soul can live on forever.
25

Do you think that you and I have good souls, Mary?
Oh yes, of course we do, Rob, she says and moves even closer. You see there are all different
kinds of souls that get wrapped in either negative or positive forces or good and evil forces. The
Church tries to teach us all about heaven and hell, but I dont believe thats the whole story at all.
I believe that some souls will die and others will live on. I believe they are all around us all the
time, and the strong souls, the ones that can leave the graveyard come to be with us and they help
us and guide us. They can affect our lives in ways we dont know even know about.
There cant be just good souls out there, there has be some evil ones that still run around
causing trouble in the night, dont you think.
Yes, both, and thats what makes up for a lot of the good and evil we experience here on earth,
but the evil souls eventually die off because they can never rise up to a higher spiritual level like
the good souls do. The strong evil ones might fight to stay on earth for a while but sooner or later
they die off.
Do you think the souls move around doing whatever they want, kind of how the Gods do in
Greek Mythology? Those Gods crack me up. I read about them you know, and they were as
popular as rock stars back during the time of the Greeks and the Romans. They used to go
around causing mischief and fooling with mortal peoples lives, putting all kinds of thoughts in
their heads, thoughts that might start anything from romance to wars. These Gods, they get off
on all the stuff they would pull on humans, it was like a sport to them, a game of human
manipulation they all loved to play. Theyd do a good deed now and again, but mostly they like
screwing around with mere mortals.
26

Mary thinks about that and then she says, Yes, I think some of that is true, but God has his hand
in it too, since he is the only true force that can forge the balance between good and evil.
So hes kind of like a school principle; steps in when things start getting out of hand.
She nods her head, looks and me and tells me yeah, thats probably the way it is.
I tell her, I never really took the time to think about this. All my life I just listened to all this
religious talk from my Father, the Rabbis and Hebrew teachers. Theyd talk all about the
prophets and how almighty and great God is, but it always sounded like a bunch of mumbo-
jumbo to me and never made sense. I could never figure out how to apply those teachings to my
life. I just get bored sitting in synagogue looking up at the clock and grinding my teeth, waiting
for the service to be over.
I lied next to Mary thinking about how she put things into prospective. Whether she was right or
wrong really didnt matter, it was still evocative and it got my brain waves flowing. She got me
thinking beyond those stereotypical devils, angels and evil spirits they say are running around the
earth, and she thought my idea about departed souls running the show was really cool. It was a
good feeling my thoughts capturing a much better understanding of life and death. The whole
thing might have not made any sense to me in the morning, but for the moment it was just great.
I get up and look at Mary. Her eyes are glowing and look to be filled with magic. I remember
seeing a similar expression in some other eyes in one of my favorite paintings called The
Caravan, I couldnt remember the artist, but I know exactly where it hangs in the Philadelphia
Museum of Art.
I sit next to her again. She says, Look around Rob, can you feel it?
27

Feel what?
I can sense all those souls that are out there stirring in the night. Oh, I can feel them, Rob.
How are they doing, are they happy?
Some are happy and some are sad, just like in real life. Some of them are in here wrestling to
save their souls but some of them will just die off. My father will lose his soul because its just
too late for him to do anything to save it. He has cancer and hell be dead soon, and I know his
soul will die along with him.
Maybe your father was a rotten guy but who really knows whose soul is going to live or die?
It only makes sense that a person has to have some kind of love in their heart. I believe a person
has to at least have an underlying passion and love for humanity for the soul to continue on after
the body is gone.
I stroke her hair and say, Maybe the guy did do something decent. Maybe he did some good
things when he was a kid before you were ever born. Something could have happened to him that
made him change. I mean, how do you know for sure?
She shook her head no. I know, trust me. I know my father is and has always been a negative
soul. I talked to my Grandparents and my Aunts and Uncles about him and they all said he was
no good even when he was a little kid. Some people are just born plain rotten with a long mean
streak. Its just the way life is. The only passion he ever had is for those cigarettes and the bottle
and thats no kind of passion at all if you ask me.
She stopped and stayed quiet for a few moments and then said, I dont want to talk about him
anymore Rob, and its too depressing and sad. Lets talk about other stuff, okay.
28

We sat and held one another, and I felt the warmth of her body, the sweet smell of skin. I looked
up at the stars. The sky was lit up by a full moon and the moonlight came pouring down over Mt
Airy and across the road to the cemetery, and as I looked down through the rows of headstones,
walking paths and trees my mind began to ponder new questions about life and death. Some of
these ideas I had pondered before, but trying to solve lifes mysteries can be awful disturbing to a
kid, so I put those ideas on hold for a time and thought about other things until tonight. Tonight
was different. It made me feel good talking about ethereal things with Mary because she seemed
to understand what was going on beyond the temporal world more than anyone. I was thinking
this was going to be the best summer yet.
As I was getting ready to tell her about that she started talking, and shes saying, Ive been
coming here since late spring and Ive begun to observe things that are so interesting. I watch the
lighting bugs, and I see them hovering over a grave for a while, and then they move to another
grave and hover of it. Im watching this real close for several nights and what I started to notice,
there are some graves they never go near. Ive seen butterflies do the same thing, and I think the
graves that the bugs never go near are the graves of the dead souls. Ive began to mark them
with sticks. There has to be a way to find out about some of these peoples lives to learn how
they lost their souls.
Im looking at her, scratching my head and ask, Where do you come up with this? How often
do you visit this place? Have you been coming here all by yourself?
Yes, yes I have.
Mary, you are one gutsy girl. How do you sit all alone in a cemetery in the middle of the night
and think about all this? I spend most of my time trying to stay out of my Old Mans way and
29

just getting through this part of my life. I dont have even half of an idea of where the hell Im
going in life. And here you are sitting around thinking about souls, spirits, and youre worrying
about trying to make these dead peoples lives a little better. I swear I never took the time to
think about what might be good for the departed because I cant even figure out whats good for
me yet. Dont get me wrong, but most people would think youre crazy, but after tonight I dont
think Im ever going to question your sanity, Mary.
She swivels over in my lap and starts kissing me. Sparks are flying and my brain is filling up
with that warm liquid again, and Im high, Im intoxicated over her. What Mary had just been
saying was going through my mind, and if she was right about souls living on through their
strength and passion, then that would mean if I died in her arms right then and there my soul
would surely survive. Hell, I figured Id be way out in front of the spiritual herd as long as I held
on to this moment.
Things were beginning to add up. Why is it that people lose their sense of fear and feel
indestructible while making love? Be it illusion or real, love making creates a safe haven, a time
when the soul has sort of an insurance policy from getting lost or pulled away into hell, limbo,
purgatory or whatever dark place souls go to get lost to eternity.
It seemed clear to me how any normal guy would opt to spend his final hours in the act of
making love and going out peaceful and happy I saw clear connections between philosophy, art,
science and love, all having the same primary root of action as love making which would be to
save our souls from dying, just like Mary was saying.
30

She pulls my hand to her breasts and my fingers ride over them and they are firm and full of lust
and life. I lift up her shirt and kiss her and she smells like flowers and the sweet smell of rain.
Her head leans back, she moans.
Dont you see, she says. Death and love are linked so closely. You surrender to both, you
give up your mind body and soul to both, and you are transformed by them to other dimensions
that are not of this world. Take me now Rob, take me as far away as we can go.
Im getting ready to do whatever she wants right there on top of that grave when were suddenly
overcome by the sound of a motor and are eyes are blinded by headlights.
We jump up, were scared. I look at Mary as the headlights cross her face and her eyes looked
terrified. I hear the car door slam and see a guy coming out of this Jeep. Hes coming right up on
us and hes yelling. Hey you, what the hell do you think youre doing here?
I tell to Mary run, and we take off for the fences. The guy gets back in his Jeep and hes right on
our heels screaming Stop, stop, stop or Ill shoot.
Were almost at the fence when I hear the sound of a shotgun being racked. Marys getting
scared and is saying maybe we ought to stop, and I say screw that, what if he kills us. He could
bury us in the cemetery and nobody would ever find us. All we had to do was get over that
fence.
Right after I say that I hear a blast like a tire blowing out and then I feel the pain like theres a
million needles stuck in my ass. I fall to the ground and I hear Mary cry out, Oh my God youre
dead.
She grabs me and gets me back on my feet and we make it to the fence and scale over top.
31

Ive been shot, I said. I cant believe that sonofabitch shot me, and it hurt real badly but we
kept on running until we get way back into the suburban streets, and we dont stop until we find
the right hiding place where that maniac in the Jeep cant find us. Were running out of breath
and we find ourselves a safe nook that is surrounded by hedges and trees off the side of the road
behind a grouping of houses. Im panting for air and as soon as I get my breath back I pull my
pants down to see how bad Im hurt. Mary runs her hand over my backside and I scream out in
pain.
She gets down on her knees and shes looking and then she says, Well Rob you did get shot,
thats for sure. Good news is you got lucky this time, its only rock salt. When I lived in the
country farmers used to shot kids with rock salt all the time if they came across their crops.
Thank God you didnt get hit in the face; you can go blind getting hit in the face by rock salt.
Its burning like fire.
I bet it is. Best thing to do is get you in water to dissolve the salt crystals.
We take the path through Gimbles Woods that leads to the arboretum, and as we came up on it I
can hear the creek running, and I make a sprint towards it and submerge myself in the water.
The place is called Curtis Arboretum and its a beautiful preserve of trees, ponds and rolling hills
set in a valley below a rich suburban neighborhood called Elkins Park. Elkins Park was the
former home of industrialists who built Philadelphia, the debutante, and the rich and famous who
lived behind the walls of luxurious mansions. The rich lived there. They lived there until the
Depression came and most of the lifestyle that had to do with mansions, high society and live-in
servants was washed away like houses in a Louisiana Flood.
32

At the high end of the valley stood a stone Mansion which was once the home of a billionaire
named John Curtis who owned a piece of the railroad and the street cars and just about anything
else he could get his hands on in the city of Philadelphia. In his day the men who controlled
public transportation controlled the growth of the city. As they expanded the rail lines Curtis and
his buddies, one of being Elkins, helped build the homes, mostly row-house neighborhoods that
grace the streets of Philadelphia.
When Curtis died he donated his mansion and its surroundings to the township. He wanted a
place for people to go and get away from the rat race of the city, a perfect place to lie in the sun
relax for an afternoon.
The mansion was once beautiful like castles in places like England and Ireland are beautiful,
with spires and turrets and a there was this huge domed entrance way covered with slate and
mosaic, propped up on thick marble columns. Below the entrance there used to lay a sunken
garden bordered by manicured hedges, and it was filled with fountains and statures of scantily
clad goddesses who stood alongside statues of Roman and Greek Gods. There were botanicals
said to have come from all over the world. But, in our time only parts and sections of it were left.
We never got to see it in full regalia. The township owned it now and they rented it out for
parties and weddings and other special occasions to those who could afford it.
Its about three in the morning and Im soaking in the creek as the burn from the salt is slowly
fading away. Im looking up at towards the mansion and wondering what it would have been like
to live in a place with all these servants, butlers and maids running around, bowing and
curtseying as they cross your path. With a Yes sir, and an Of course Madam.
33

Mary is sitting behind me on the bank stroking my hair and I ask her if she thinks well ever live
in anything better than as two-story row-house. Mary says she doesnt care where she lives as
long as she has love and happiness. That sounded nice, and I was all for love and happiness but I
knew that was not all my heart required.
I tell her this, I say, Ever since I crossed over Cheltenham Ave. into the Suburban Township to
go sledding with my brother and his friends at Cedarbrook Country Club I couldnt never stop
thinking about this whole other life that existed outside of our little patch of the world we
occupied in the city.
In the summers I caddied for the Country Club people. They all talked different and acted
different than anyone I knew in the city. And the women, my God, most of them were so
beautiful with real tans that you could only get in places like Miami Beach or on some Caribbean
island. The men drove around in foreign cars and wore tailored clothes that you would only see
in movies, and I remember telling my father about these things that I saw and his response was
those people were nothing but a bunch of snobs and phonies. He was full of it. There is no way
he didnt want the same things those golf course people had, he just didnt know how to get it.
Guess I wouldnt mind moving back to the country one day. Mary says. Buy a nice farm
house and raise goats and horses.
Ive never spent much time out in farm country, I said. There was this one time my Father
and my Cousin Ruby took me skeet shooting out in the country on this mans farm and that
didnt turn out so good.
She asked me to tell her the story, tell her about what happened?
34

We went into this stall to go pee and I couldnt reach the urinal so I said I was going to go off
and pee in the corner somewhere, but my Cousin Ruby said no way, get on top of that bucket
there and youll be able to pee just fine. So Im standing on top of this five gallon bucket and the
lid caves in and I wind up falling into it. This liquid comes squirting out and man when it hit the
air you just couldnt breathe. My father, he turns white as a sheet and picks me up and goes
running out in the middle of the farm screaming for help. The farmer and his son came running.
They hauled me up and dipped me over in a well to get the chemical off me which turned out to
be gun blue. It was in the middle of the winter, about twenty-five degrees and I damn near froze
to death. The farmers gave me some clothes to wear home and the next day my pants and shoes
were all burned up just like theyd been in a fire.
Mary couldnt stop laughing over that story. Shes still laughing when she asks me if I want kids.
I think about that for a minute and then I come out and tell her, Yeah, I guess. Ive never given
it much thought but someday Id like to have kids.
She gets next to me in the water and holds my hand. Thats what I want, Rob. I want kids and a
family of my own. Id give them so much love. Id be so good to them. It wouldnt be anything
like it was with my parents. Ill make all the corrections that have to be made.
Mary is making me nervous, and its not that she was saying anything bad or out of line; hell it
was a normal desire for a young girl like herself to want kids and a house in the country, one that
had a white picket fence that wrapped around the property. There was such innocence and
naivet in the way she said it I felt bad about the fact that her dreams scared me and scrambled
my emotions. My dreams of having children lied way off in the future. First I wanted to see
35

things, live life, experience it and explore the world before taking on the responsibility of a wife
and kids.
The thought of having kids now with her or anybody knocked me off balance and made my
stomach queasy for a time but I soon got over it. I told how wonderful and nice it was for people
to have dreams, but Mary was no fool and she looked at me askance as I tried to delicately dance
around the subject. She never did bring it up again, but I could tell it was always on her mind.
Although I was still sore the creek water had dissolved the salt crystals and I felt one heck of a
lot better than I did after getting shot. I tell Mary we got to get home right before the sun comes
up because my father wakes up real early and I dont need for him to find me missing out of my
bed.
We walked home talking about the dead people, souls and spirits and everything and I told her
those souls sure werent looking out for us tonight, thats for sure. She was arguing back at me
saying they most certainly were, and if it wasnt for them it probably wouldnt have been rock
salt but buckshot that came firing out of that gun and then where would I be.
Who knows, maybe she had a point, but I got her to make me a promise the next time we went
out roaming and wandering through the night wed go someplace else beside the cemetery, and
she said she wanted to come back to Curtis Hall the next night and I said all right. I hadnt had
time to show her that underwater spring and I wanted her to drink out of it, and both of us would
get up on the hill and check out the mansion. So coming back again that night would be a fun
thing, and wed bring our fishing poles and try to catch something out of that dirty old pond.
36

Mary said she was excited about the spring. She said, Fresh water like that has a way of
rejuvenating and cleansing the body and soul. You and I will drink from it together and wash
away our sins and all the bad things that haunt us.
Mary got back to driveway and we kissed each other goodbye. I got in bed and fell asleep right
before the sun came up. When I woke up it was after noon and everything has changed and I
know that there was no escaping the fact that I was in love with her. If I would have been smart
Id have kept it to myself but I had to go and say something to Jackie which turned out to be a
real big mistake on my part. He was laughing at me, and he kept saying I was putting him on
with all this love stuff, that I really didnt mean any of it. When I convinced him it was for real
he started getting mad and calling her all kinds of names and he was calling me an idiot and a
first class sucker for falling in love with a pig and a slut like The Weasel.
Were standing in his basement and hes dancing around all over the place. Hes bobbing back
and forth in front of me trying to get me aggravated. What the hell are you doing, Rob, he
demands to know. Do you understand that she went out and fucked just about everybody in the
neighborhood? Now youre telling me youre in love with her, youre making her your
girlfriend? He puts up his hands like the whole thing is out of control. Are you fucking
kidding me? You got to get yourself under control my friend, and I mean fast or youre going to
become the laughing stock of this neighborhood.
Jackie is shaking his head back and forth and he keeps on saying that he cant believe it. He says,
Were you a virgin before you spent the night with her, Rob? Was Mary the first pussy you ever
had, because if thats it I can kind of accept that, lots of guys lose their heads over their first
37

piece of ass? Tell me the truth, Rob, Im your friend, Im not going to run out and tell everybody,
were you a virgin before her?
Jackie and I were friends from the time we were five, but I realized there and then that I really
didnt know him as well as I thought. I thought I could trust him with anything and thats why I
wanted him to be the first one to know about Mary. I thought he would understand about me
being in love; being happy with her. I never expected him to turn out the type to care what other
people had to say. People say all kinds of things about everybody.
For a few moments I looked at Jackie and didnt say anything. Wed had our share of fights and
he knew when I was starting to get real angry Id go silent.
What are you going to do, Rob, you going to punch me in the mouth? He was starting getting
nervous and I saw him looking around the room for something to pick up and whack me over the
head with before trouble started.
Finally I said, "No Jackie, Im not a virgin and you know that as well as I do. Ive been fucking
those little Catholic girls you got to school with on the grass outside the dances hops and
basement parties for a long time now. Truth is I didnt have sex with her yet.
He starts shaking his hands up in front of me like hes trying to frame me in to focus and sanity.
Okay, okay, he says, So you didnt even have sex with her. Then he lets go with a sadistic
laugh that got to me.
Are you telling me youre in love with her mind? Is that what it is, you love her for her
intellectual brilliance, her worldliness, her keen take on life.
38

I said, Enough, and stopped him right there. You know something, go fuck yourself, Jackie.
Im sorry I came to with this in the first place; it was a real big mistake. Before I walked in here I
thought you were my friend but the truth is youre just one more piece of shit off the street
corner. And you know something else? I think youre afraid of girls. Maybe its time for you to
start figuring things out about your own sexuality, maybe youre Gay or something. Maybe you
need to see a doctor so he can tell you where to start putting your dick.
I walk to the door and he gets in front of me. Listen, I tell him, Get out of my way. You dont
know anything about her and lets just leave it at that before I smash your head through the wall.
And you know what, I believe that story you told me about that beer party less and less,
something just doesnt add up with that tale.
We stand nose to nose looking at each other, both knowing what the other is thinking, and were
thinking about all the years we spent together as friends, best friends, and now the friendship is
dissolving within moments over a girl. One of us should let it go but we dont. Then he goes and
says, I cant believe that you are really telling me that you love that ugly pig. He snaps his
fingers in front of my face and tells me, Wake up Rob, wake up, get over it. You had a bad
dream is all this is.
I had enough and turn to leave. He pushes me against the door. I plant my feet and swivel around
with a right hook square across his nose. Blood is squirting everywhere. He goes down on one
knee and hes saying he cant believe I just hit him. He asks me to get him a towel. I go get him
one out of the bathroom. Hes patting his nose to stop the blood and holds out his fingers
showing me the blood.
39

He says, Weve been best friends forever you and me, and you go and punch me out over that
Skank?
Im sick to my stomach. Its Jackie for Christ Sake, my best friend. Look what I did, I hurt him,
and I made him bleed. Right away I started to have doubts about whether this new found love for
Mary was worth the price of a longtime friendship. What other trouble was it going to cause?
How many more friends would I lose? You cant just throw away a friend, at least not a friend
like Jackie was.
I reach down to help him up and he tells me to fuck off and struggles to his feet.
Im sorry, Jackie, I shouldnt have done that, but why did you have to go off say those things?
You didnt have to say what you said. Come on, lets forget about it. I slugged you, but I didnt
mean it, it was just a reaction is what it was.
Hes leaning against the wall and blood is still running down is face. I think you just broke my
nose and youre telling me you didnt mean it. How do you break somebodys nose and not mean
it? What has gotten into you Rob?
He walks to the back of the room to get away from me and says, You know what they say about
her, true or not is doesnt matter, a rumor can be stronger than the truth. They say shes not only
a whore but some kind of witch that can cast spells on people. You know I dont believe in that
kind of shit, but who knows. Maybe shes already cast her spell on you and thats why you just
punched me in the face. Maybe the best thing for you is to go find yourself a priest and get an
exorcism before its too late.
40

Im feeling low and humiliated as I walk out of Jackies basement, and all I hear are his words
echoing around in my head. She went out and fucked every guy in the neighborhood and now
what? Youre in love with her. Shes your girlfriend now?
What was happening to me? Maybe I was just turning into a real jerk-off.
Then on the other hand last night was the best time of my life. It was so good when we were
together. I was already missing her and wed had only been apart for a short while, and I never
felt that way, I never missed a girl before.
But, could I handle the stigma? Mt Airy was a small town and the people there could be
unforgiving. Jackie was right; there was no secret that everyone had Mary made for a slut. She
was the town Whore the Pig who spread her legs and gave blow-job for every guy in who wanted
one, and now they were thinking she was a witch. How crazy was that?
Jackie was probably on the phone right now telling everyone he knew that I was in love with her
to get even with me for slugging him. It wouldnt be long now before I became the laughing
stock of the neighborhood, and when youre still just a kid living in Philadelphia row-house
neighborhood its hard to live your life when youre the laughing stock.
Without the strength of heart character or conviction to guide me along the right path I took the
cowards way out. To save my name I would jilt her, avoid her at all costs and act like I never
knew her. I would act like a real asshole towards her and never tell her why. That was my plan.
What a punk I was. A punk hoping that she would just fade away and the whole thing would be
over so I wouldnt have to deal with the fear of being ridiculed any longer.
41

I called Jackie up and apologized, told him I was sorry that I hit him and that I was through with
her for good. He was happy to hear it and let me off the hook saying we were friends too long to
let that Skank come between us.
She didnt just go away though. I hadnt called her and was hiding away from her in the house
for a couple of days until she caught me in the driveway putting out the trash and came right up
to demanding to know what happened. I told her I was busy, the worst thing, the dumbest thing I
could have said.
She told me I was full of shit. Im trying to apologize and Im making up some bullshit about
forgetting to call her. We had made plans after the night at the cemetery and I was pretending
like it never happened.
She gets right up in my face and reminds me, We were supposed to go fishing Rob did you
forget that? We were supposed to go fishing and you were going to show me that underwater
spring. I sat on my tackle box in the driveway waiting for you half the night. I didnt want to
knock on your door for fear of waking your father up so I just sat there like an idiot, sure that you
would come, sure that something happened and you were just running late. Why did you do that
to me? She started crying. I thought we had something. I thought we had something that was
really special. She was pulling on my arms and shirt, hitting me on the chest demanding to
know what happened.
Next thing Jackie comes out his back door with a big bandage on his nose and a shit-eaten grin
on his face. He gets right next to me and leans his arm on my shoulder and asks Mary how she
was doing in this real phony sarcastic voice. Mary sees right through everything and shes
42

glaring at me with this new found hatred and I feel about two feet tall and Im looking for a hole
to crawl in.
I cant believe this, shes saying. What is this, are the two of you in love? Are you a couple
of funny boys or is it still the same kind of love you had for each other when you were little
kids? Look at you, youre both pathetic, Rob and Jackie still out to get The Weasel? Why dont
you go grab a dirt bomb Jackie? Remember the time you threw one at me and it went in my
mouth. I was spitting out dirt for a week and the two of you thought that was the funniest thing
on earth.
I move towards her, try and say something to calm her down but she puts up her hand to stop me,
to stay away. You dont have to bullshit me Rob. You tell Jackie when and how you were
planning to fuck me? Jackie, you tell him how I sucked off the whole football team? Oh yeah, I
banged twenty guys at a beer party right. Well you and I both know thats, bullshit. Tell him
what really happened that night Jackie. Go ahead, she screams, tell him or I will.
Jackie stands there dumbfounded and doesnt say a thing.
I dont know whats going on.
Then Marty breaks out and says, It was rape, they raped me and you did nothing to help me
Jackie. You and your friends watched awhile just for kicks, like it was a side show. You just
stood there and watching them molest and rape me, until they beat me senseless, and then when
the excitement became too dramatic for you little punks you got in your car and drove off and
left me for dead. Deny it you piece of shit.
43

She went up to him and cracked him one real hard on his taped up nose and he started bleeding
again.
You cant deny it because I saw you and your friends watching. I saw everything until I got
kicked in the face with a boot it all went black.
God ahead and tell your buddy Rob what you did next you little shirt. Go on tell him what you
did and make him proud of you.
Jackie stayed silent and gave me this shameful look that made me sick inside.
I said, For Christ Sake, say something, Jackie.
Mary said, Whats the matter, Jackie? Things arent so funny now are they? I can still go to the
cops because I went to the police after, filled out a report and got a rape test and it came up
positive, which means I can press charges whenever I want.
What if I go to the cops now? You and all your buddies will wind up going to jail instead of
college. They take rape pretty serious in the state of Pennsylvania. Who knows, you might get
out by the time youre thirty, youll still have plenty of years left to have fun and party.
She keeps on going working up froth, So, you dont want to tell him what happened I will.
After a couple of days he figures Im not going to the cops so he starts spreading rumors about
me wanting it. He tells everybody Im standing on top of a car saying come on guys, come and
get me. Yeah, that was me, The Weasel the Fucking Whore. For sure, I wanted twenty sweaty
guys with beer breath to hop all over me and beat me half to death. Thats been a real dream for
me Jackie, all my life Ive been waiting for something like that to happen. I have to admit it was
44

brilliant how you spread those rumors so fast to and cover your ass. Make it look like the girl
whore wanted it and maybe nobody would think twice about it being a rape.
You better start talking Jackie, I said, but I could see he was getting all frozen up inside and
wasnt going to say a thing. Mary had to be telling the truth and he had to be guilty.
Mary said, Whats he going to tell you Rob, you think hes going to tell you truth? That
sonofabitch just stood around and did nothing your buddy is nothing but a rotten cowardly
piece of shit.
She started walking to her door and I called for her to stop. She turns around and smacks me in
the face. You listened to him didnt you, Rob. He told you I was nothing but a whore and you
bought it. You forget about us and that wonderful night we just spent. It was the most wonderful
night of my entire life and you killed it.
She was crying uncontrollably now, punches me in the chest and runs to her door, tells me she
never wants to see me again for the rest of her life. I run after her and grab her before she gets
inside the house. She turns toward me and says, What do you want Rob. I dont want to see you
anymore, do you understand. It makes me sick just to have to look at the two of you two little
babies that never grew up, so just go run off and play.
I dont want to play with Jackie, I said under my breath. Ill come tonight please. Well go
fishing just like we planned.
She kept crying, saying no, no, telling me to go away and not to come back, ever. Before I could
think of something else to say she slammed the door in my face. I look back for Jackie and hes
long gone. I just lost my best friend and my first love all at once.
45

For the first time I understand heartbreak. I sat in my room alone listening to sad songs on the
radio and all I want to do is roll up in a ball and die. All I can think of is Mary, how much I
wanted to be with her, listen to the sound of her voice and feel her touch. The time we spent
together was short, but that didnt matter, it still had me longing for her like a drug addiction;
running through my veins, causing my mind and heart to be overwhelmed and consumed by the
loss of her.
How did it all happen so fast, no warning no escape. Up until a couple of days ago girls were
nothing but distractions for me, playthings that I would tire of quickly. All those years we lived
in the same neighborhood and on the same block she was nothing but a source of ridicule and
later on nothing more than a passing thought. Now I cant live without her. Was this the
beginning of the lessons of life? How many lessons were waiting for me down the long road of
Hard Knocks? Maybe I should stay locked away in my room forever.
My first love had been blown, shattered to pieces because I was nothing but a spineless chicken-
shit. Those feelings I had with her may never come my way again, and that fate I would deserve.
Where to hide? If I had any guts I would have jumped off Suicide Bridge and splattered myself
across Ridge Ave. At least it would have provided entertainment for the evening news. Instead I
chose to stay in my room wallowing in self-pity. I went out and bought some beer and for the
first time I sat and watched Soap Operas and old movies about romantic heartbreak and sorrow.
How long could I live on beer. Maybe it would be a slow and painless death.
A week goes by. My parents are on the phone getting recommendations for the best doctors. My
cousin Marv was head of psychiatric at Friends Medical Hospital. A room may open up soon.
Early one morning the phone rings and its Mary. My heart is pounding a mile a minute and I can
46

hear her whispering. At first I cant hear what shes saying. Shes asking me to come over. He
voice is as sweet as music and my tortured soul gets a shot of Demerol. Rob, come now, I need
to see you now, she says.
Shes in her basement sitting cross-legged on the floor with a huge pile of pot in front of her.
There are zip-lock bags, a sifter and a tri-beam scale on the coffee table. The sun is pouring
through the glass-block basement window making her blonde hair glow like fire and her face
shines like a Goddess.
Mary pulls out a paneled screen from behind her and pours about a pound of dope over it. I
watch her long fingers separate the twigs from the shake with such finesse and speed it seems
shes was born to do the job. She shakes the screen over a large tinfoil pan and separates the
seeds. She pours the pan into the sifter and refines it down even more.
She looks at me and says, This is real good Panamanian Red so Im go to save the seeds to plant
when I get my farm.
Ive got my head cocked to the side like the RCA Dog and Im looking at her. She says, You
still think that buying a farm is a stupid idea dont you Rob? Just a pipe dream in a young girls
head isnt it?
Its obvious shes still pissed off at me and Im walking on thin ice so I have to be real careful
with what I say.
You think Im some stupid girl whos just hangs in cemeteries and is caught up in the creepy
spirit world. You dont think I know anything about life, do you? Well thats why I called you
47

over here so you could see Im not all that stupid. Ive got a plan and as long as Im living and
breathing Im going to find a way to carry it out.
I tell her no, I dont think shes stupid, and that now the whole idea of that farm shes been
talking about makes perfect sense. Im stammering for the right words afraid of saying the wrong
ones and having her kick me out of her life for good I wasnt sure yet if this was some kind of
test of if she brought me over here just torture me.
I said, You mentioned the farm when we were at the arboretum, but I dont remember
everything you said about it.
She ignores me and takes a handful of pot and places it on the scale. , checks the weight and
takes off a couple of pinches. There thats an ounce you want to bag it for me.
I said sure.
I take a zip-lock, bag it and seal it. We keep on going, shes weighing and Im bagging. We do if
for over a half an hour without saying a word when she breaks the silence. You know how
much I pay for a pound of this stuff? A pound cost me $90. Can you tell me how many ounces
are in a pound Rob?
I say 16. She tells me very good. Maybe Im not a hopeless case after all. Then she starts giving
me a math quiz. I sell each ounce for $20 each so what is my profit?
I take a moment to think this one out. Well 20x16=320 minus the 90 you pay for the pound, so
that leaves you with a profit of $230 per pound.
She nods her head and tells me very good.
48

I have people all over town that sell for me and I can turn 15 to 20 pounds over every week like
nothing.
Jesus, Mary thats a lot of money. I would have never guessed you were doing this unless you
told me.
Ive never told anyone Im dealing beside you and the people I have to do business with. You
start going around telling people what youre doing, well thats just a sure prescription for
getting caught.
She rolls up joint, lights it, takes a couple of drags and hands it to me. I take it in, hold it for a
few seconds and let it out and go into a coughing frenzy. Its not the first time I smoked pot but
this was the strongest stuff I ever had.
I manage to tell her what great stuff it is while Im coughing so hard it feels like the top of my
head is going to explode.
That farm I told you about, its not really a dream anymore. I have the money to buy it. Ive
been looking out in Western Pennsylvania for one. All I want to do is sit here a little while longer
until my Old Man passes on and then Ill be all set. Ill be able to buy the farm that I want and
have enough money that I wont have answer to anybody or worry about a thing.
You know this is dangerous, Mary? You could get caught you know. The weight youre playing
around with is way beyond usage and, if you get pinched for distribution you could go to prison.
Lots of people from the neighborhood are doing time for dealing weight. Id hate to see that
happen to you is all Im saying.
49

Im willing to take the risk, Rob. All I want to do is get the hell out of here and live a life thats
worth living. Ive been doing this hustle for over two years now and nobody is the wiser for it.
Ive got a lawyer on retainer and a lot of money hidden, so even if I did get caught they wouldnt
keep me in jail forever, three years maybe. When I got out Id be all set. Id risk just about
anything to get out of this goddamn house. If I dont get out of here soon Im just going to
shrivel up and die.
Mary and I sat on the floor weighing and bagging dope until the sun went down. She kept rolling
joint after joint and we smoked ourselves into a real solid high. She puts all the bagged up pot in
a big plastic bag and asks me to open the closet and turn on the light.
See over there in that corner she says, pull on the coat hanger and pull out the dummy wall.
I tug on the hanger, the wall slips out and theres an open space behind the closet where she has
bags on tops of plastic bags hidden.
Kind of like playing treasure hunt isnt it? She laughs and places the bag alongside all the
other bags. Ill deal with all of that later. Now its time for some fun and recreation.
She brings out this wad of tinfoil and opens it up. Inside there are these bright little pills she calls
Orange Sunshine. She asks me if I ever dropped acid before and I told her yes, I did it a couple
of times but it made my stomach hurt and I got kind of paranoid. It made everything look funny
like I was walking through the House of Mirrors at Willow Grove Park, but it did make me
curious. The stuff got me thinking different than ways I thought before.
50

Last time I did it I felt lost and detached from the world and I promised myself I wouldnt mess
around with it again. This was different though. Id be with Mary, and somehow I felt safe and
protected with her. I wondered if Id have some profound thoughts would come zap me again.
Mary puts the pill on the coffee table next to the sifter and the tri-beam scale. She opens up the
tinfoil and there are four of these barrel shaped tiny orange pills glowing with the energy of
sunlight and looking awful dangerous like futuristic atomic energy pills or something like out of
a sci-fi movie.
She says, This is the stuff theyre taking out of California. You dont see much of it here. A girl
I met lives on a commune in San Francisco, she sent them to me.
I asked her if she tried them yet. She said no, that she was afraid to do them alone and was
waiting for the right time and the right person to them with.
Ive been scared of them Rob. They are supposed to be so powerful you can have a really bad
bum trip if youre not careful. You ever have a bum trip, Rob?
A few, I said.
She breaks a pill in half and lays one of the pieces on my tongue. She swallows the other half
and tells me to swallow mine. I let it lie on the tip of my tongue for a moment.
She says, Dont be such a chicken, Rob. Were not going to have a bum trip or anything like
that. Well be together the whole time and I promise nothing bad will happen.
Promise me one thing, I asked her.
What?
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No frigging cemeteries tonight.
Okay.
You promise?
Yes Rob, I promise, no cemeteries.
I catch this mischievous gleam in her eye right before I swallow the pill and Im thinking about
whether or not I made a mistake.
We light up another joint and pass it back and forth. Shes laughing while telling me about all of
this crazy Alice and Wonderland stuff she just read by Lewis Carrol.
They say he was taking magic mushrooms when he wrote that book.
I heard that.
She started going on about the Queen of Hearts and the Mad Hatter and how we were going to
through the looking glass just like Alice did in the story. It didnt take long for me to catch on to
what she was talking about.
It took less than twenty minutes before the floor started to feel like sponge rubber and everything
in the room is breathing and pulsating and taking on a life of its own. I suck out the last hit of the
joint and put it out before I look over at Mary. She doesnt look the same any longer. She looks
like a cross between a French Poodle and the Creature from the Black Lagoon, something top
military scientists really have to take a look at. Im thinking about going in the bathroom to
check myself out but I pass on that idea. Its better I dont see myself.
52

Mary puts on this music that makes me feel like Im sitting in a Turkish Harem. She starts
dancing around the room gyrating, her body, controlling her movements from the center of her
hips like a seasoned belly dancer, and shes spinning around in circles holding a tie-dyed scarf in
her hand. She had me entranced, but Im afraid any moment shes going to shrink down real
small like Alice or Tinker Bell.
All of a sudden the acid really kicks in and I start breaking out in a sweat. Im having a real hard
time keeping grips with reality, whatever that is. My heart is racing and I start filling up with
nervous energy thats so intense I feel like I could chew right through the walls, keep on going
through the drywall the two by fours and copper pipe. Im pretty sure I could chew right out to
the street and when I go there Id eat a car or two just to calm myself down some.
Mary puts all the window shades down then turns on the black lights that are handing over the
day-glow posters. Shes keep on dancing and spinning and the black light has the scarf leaving
trails and streaks of light that look like fire.
Now Im getting paranoid; no surprise its just about the right time for that. For sure the whole
world is after me. Everyone is out to get me but Im not sure why. Im looking at the posters on
the wall, Hendrix, Einstein, Daffy Duck, Peppy Le Pew along with the Road Runner and Coyote.
Theyre all looking back at me, scrutinizing, wanting to know what Im doing there invading
their territory and I know theyre all plotting against me.
Maybe if I got a conversation going with Einstein I could work some things out me and him,
man to man. Im trying to talk to him but hes disinterested in what I have to say. He shakes his
head and keeps on staring with this look like he wants to know what Im doing taking up the
same time and space in the same room with his esteemed genius.
53

Finally I get the balls to ask him what Im doing there, and maybe if he had some time could he
explain the meaning of life to me.
For Christ sake, youre the guy with the brain bigger than a Cadillac, why dont you help me
out by telling me what Im doing here and what Im supposed to do next? Arent you the kind of
guy a person is supposed to look up to, cant you give me some kind of support?
He starts talking but its in this real heavy German accent and that sing song voice of his is
driving me nuts. Theres no way to get this guy in a normal conversation, and he just keeps going
on about the speed of light, the curve in space and what he had to go through to prove his theory
of relativity. He wasnt doing me a bit of good and I told him to go fuck himself and went to the
next character on the wall.
Its Hendrix and he doesnt have much to offer either. Hes looking down at me from the
Electric Lady Land poster sporting his big assed afro and that scarf around his neck. He looks
so all so cool and mellow that its enough to make you sick. All he can say is, Be cool with the
purple haze my brother, and always remember to excuse yourself when you kiss the sky.
Hendrix, just one more asshole to add to the list.
I glance over at Popeye and hes too busy nailing Olive Oyl to have any time for me. What
words of wisdom would he have to say anyway? The guy just spoke in snippets.
In a final ditch effort I look over to Daffy Duck for some support and sympathy wrong duck,
definitely not the sympathetic type, and hes ranting and raving at me, quacking and talking in
language filled with spit and its hard to understand a single word hes saying. Hes shaking his
fist at me making all kinds of threats and Im really getting to the point where I had enough and
start looking for the door when Mary comes over.
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Shes dancing in front of me, swinging her hips and her belly is right up on my nose. She pushes
her crotch into my face and Im holding onto her hips as she gyrates to the Turkish harem music
that has been playing in the background this whole time. It feels so good to touch her and the feel
of her soft skin and taught muscles is calming me down and Im hoping that with her help Im
going to survive a complete Orange Sunshine paranoiac breakdown. Shes rubbing her fingers
through my hair and then she pulls me up and holds me against her rubbing her body all over me.
I go to kiss her and then I hear this loud wheezing sound like somebody just coughed up a lung
coming from the top of the basement steps.
A phlegm-filled demonic voice hollers out, Mary, Mary Louise, what the hell you doing down
there listening to the devils music?
Oh my God, Its her Old Man. He was supposed to be on his death bed. I jump to my feet and
start heading for the door.
He yells out again, What are you doing down there Mary you dirty little Whore?
Im turning the knob on the door getting ready to run through five or six states, but Mary
motions very calmly for me to sit back down so I do.
She whisper, Dont worry, he doesnt have the strength to make it down the stairs.
She turns off the music and flips off the lights and as cool as a cucumber tells him that she is
meditating and wants to be left alone.
But hes not going away so fast. He goes, What the hell you got burning down there you dirty
little bitch? Smells like the shit they used to smoke on the ships when I was in the Navy. Hemp,
you smoking hemp down there Mary because it sure as hell smells to me like one of those
55

fucking boats I was on when some guys picked that stuff up in the Philippines. Those hemp
smokers got caught they throw them in the brig. Some of them got court martialed and spent five
years learning their lesson and sobering up.
He keeps on ranting and raving and Mary takes me by the hand and says lets go.
The next thing I know were cutting through the woods to Curtis Hall and shes telling me
sometimes he works up enough strength to get downstairs from the bedroom but there was no
way he could make it down to the basement. It would take her mother a couple of hours to get
him back up stairs and into bed from the living room.
The Orange Sunshine is buzzing in my head but I have somewhat of a handle on it now and Im
feeling like Im getting past the point where Im going to slide off the edge of the earth. My
senses are heightened way up though, and any little thing, a sight a sound freaks me out.
We get to Curtis Hall in what seems like a few seconds and climb the hill towards the Mansion.
The place is all lit up inside and out and cars are parked everywhere and you can hear the buzz of
people going in and out. Mary drags me up close and were peeking inside the windows and
there are voices and the sound of music playing and we can see people holding drinks and girls
in gowns and guys wearing tuxedos.
Im thinking theres a wedding going on when Mary starts talking about the ghosts from the
Curtis past coming out for a moonlit party. How wonderful it would be if we could finally meet
up and party with the spirits from the other side.
I say, Mary, please, enough. Its taking all of my will power and strength just to keep my sanity
with this drug running through me so give me a break and stop with the spirit world shit, at least
56

for tonight before I lose my mind completely. Its just a wedding going on in there, thats it, no
ghouls, no goblins, just a couple of people getting married. I know because I saw the wedding
cake in the middle of the room and its covered with real frosting so it cant be haunted, its just
too fresh to be haunted.
She says, You really do get freaked out by out-worldly things dont you? Lets back away from
the Mansion a bit and stand in the field for a while, theres such a nice breeze out tonight.
We back off about twenty yards from the Mansion and were standing on the side of the hill next
to this large cluster of pine trees. Its nice because we can stand inside of the trees and nobody
can see us. Its like a little fort.
Out-worldly. I liked that and I told her how funny I thought it was. We both started laughing and
we couldnt stop. The laughing heightened the mood and changed everything and now this was
turning into a first class trip with all the accommodations
Im laughing and Im saying, This stuff has my mind swirling. One moment Im thinking Im
going down the Yellow Brick Road and youre Dorothy from The Wizard of OZ, and the next
moment Im stuck inside one of those really weird Betty Boop Cartoons where everything is
alive and animated including the cars, chairs, clocks, tin buckets and street lamps.
Mary laughs and says, If were stuck in the World of Oz we have to worry about one of those
apple trees getting mad at us, and of course we have to watch out for those dreaded flying
monkeys. They could snatch us up by our necks. I can hear myself screaming for help, but no
one hears and they fly us straight to the cliff hanging castle of the Wicked Witch of the North or
was it the Wicked Witch of the West, I forget, doesnt matter. Now I can hear the witch
57

laughing that horrible laugh and saying, Mary, where have you been my little pretty Ive been
so lonely and Ive been waiting for you for so long but you finally came.
Mary has her arms outstretched and shes circling around for affect as shes telling the story.
The Flying Monkeys shove me in front of this giant hourglass so I can watch images of my
impending doom.
Mary looks up at the Mansion and says, Rob, look at all of the limousines pulling up. It must be
the wedding party.
A string of Limos pull up to the entrance of the hall and a white-gloved chauffer gets out of the
first car and opens the door for the bride and groom. The bride is wearing traditional long tails
attached to her gown that look to be about a block long. Another Limo opens up and the Brides
Maids jump out to help the bride her with her tail. The rest of the entourage, the best men,
immediate family and such all exit the limos and head in procession though the entrance and into
the chapel hall
Oh, I love weddings, Mary says. They always make me cry.
Mary asks me if I love weddings too and shes getting all exciting like were talking about the
circus or something, and I lie, tell her I like them just fine. Truth is I thought they were boring
and all I ever cared about when I at one were the hors d'oeuvres , you know, those little pigs-in a
blanket and the meatballs on toothpicks and all the other cool stuff they serve on crackers and
toast at cocktail hour.
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The organ begins to play Here comes the Bride, And Mary wants to get right up close to the
Mansion again so we can see and hear everything. She pulls me behind some bushes right
beneath the window where the bride and groom are getting ready to take their vows.
The preacher breaks right into the sermon and begins, We are gathered here today so this man
and this woman can be joined together in holy matrimony
The preacher is cruising right on through those matrimonial lines and if he keeps up his current
pace the ceremony will be over in less than fifteen minutes. All of a sudden Mary is bursting out
in tears crying loud enough for everyone inside the reception hall to hear her. I put my hand over
her mouth and Im begging her to quiet down but she tells me she cant help it, its just the way it
is, weddings always make her cry.
I manage to drag her back to the pine trees and we lay on a soft bed of pine needles. Before I can
say another word shes kissing me everywhere and shes telling me to touch her, to put my hands
on her breasts and rub her pussy. Ive got my hands all over her and I see her bite down on her
teeth and shake, and she says she just had an orgasm. It was the first time I ever seen a girl have
one and I wanted to see that all over again as soon as many times as possible.
She grabs me around the head and whispers in my ear, Make love to me, do it now Rob.
We lay on those pine needles and made love, our senses heightened through the ceiling from the
LSD. I was with a other girls before, got it in there and pushed it in and out like a real champ
then walked away with this feeling of great conquest, but I never really made love before, I was.
just going through the motions, proving my manhood. This time it was different and it wasnt
only because of the drugs, I had fallen for Mary, and for the first time I was making love.
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We made love for a long time and for the first time in my life my mind was completely centered
and I didnt care about anything but Mary and me. I told myself if I died right there and then it
would be okay, because deep down I truly believed that I was never going to experience
anything like this again. This was it. I had peaked early in life, so what, I didnt care. I didnt
care if the fates condemned me to walk the face of the earth for the rest of my life with the all
the other pretenders, standing in a pile of ashes, waiting for lightening to strike twice in the same
place twice while the laws of physics say no. This was worth any curse.
Im going at it heart and soul and Mary is moaning and coming back against me hard, not like
the other girls who just lay there like dead fish. Her body is giving off this sweet sweaty smell
that drives me crazy and I just want to devour her, consume her whole and make her part of me.
For a moment my thoughts shift and I think about the salmon. Why the salmon, I dont know,
but I completely understand him now. I had gone through my whole life never really paying any
close attention to this very important fish. It swims upstream to spawn knowing full well what
the consequences will bring. It swims hundreds sometimes thousands of miles running like a
turbo-jet on primal fuel, undeterred, relentless it will meet its objective or die trying.
Now I can clearly see what is on his little fishes mind as he laughs in the face of death swimming
with reckless abandon to complete his mission and meet his objective. His final reward will be
slow death but he doesnt care, its all worth it to him. Male salmon dont die immediately after
fornication, what actually happens is they grow old very rapidly and within a few hours they
become death bed old, ancient and then just roll over and die but not without the satisfaction
that they have done their job by procreating their species and grabbed a great piece of ass in the
process. Because of their courageous actions more salmon will come. More will swim upstream.
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It seems more like the cleansing of a soul than a sacrifice. Whos to say that fish dont have
souls?
I forget the whole fish story when Mary starts to shake and spasm and shes telling me shes
going to have another orgasm begging me not to stop, not yet. Im pumping away like a
drunken sailor on his first leave in six months. We both climax, and I feel this explosion go off
in my head that measure up with the Big Bang that kicked the universe into first gear.
We collapse on each other, depleted and completely devoid of anxiety or pain.
I hear the preacher saying, Repeat after me, with this ring I do be wed...
Mary is kissing me and tells me how much she loves me and I tell her I love her right back. It
feels right to say. I mean it to because I really do love her for sure.
She says, It feels like we were just married, doesnt it Rob. I felt such a strong connection with
you, stronger than anything ever.
I kiss her on the lips and tell her, Mary, what we just experienced has to be stronger than any
vows two people can make in front of a preacher to please a crowd I feel like Ive been to the
moon and back. She says she does too.
The doors to the hall fling open and we run back over the hills toward the Mansion to get another
closer look. The bride and groom are piling into a limo going off on their honeymoon. People are
hugging and kissing and throwing rice at couple through the car window. The limo drives away
and the whole thing is over just like that.
Were back by the brook towards the edge of the arboretum now. I ask Mary what time it is but
she doesnt know or care. I figure its close to midnight but couldnt be sure. Were sitting side
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by side beneath this giant oak tree that I climbed from the time I was a little kid and Mary takes
out this knife she uses for cutting the pot stems, opens up her hand and slits her thumb to draw
blood. She has me put my hand out and does the same to me, I feel a sting but its no big dea.l
Lets rub our blood together, she says.
Just like the Indians, huh?
Blood on blood, heart to heart, no matter what happens from here on out you and I are bound
forever by blood.
Mary calls me the next morning and I can tell shes been crying. Something is wrong, real
wrong.
She says, My father found the dope.
How, I thought you said he was too weak to ever make down those stairs.
He is, she says and now shes crying real hard. He took a few steps down to the landing and
then he fell head over heels the rest of the way. I guess the combination of all the dope hes on
and the carpeted floor saved him from dying.
Were you there when he fell.
I was sleeping and when I woke up he was rummaging around the closet and found the dope.
How did he know the dummy wall was there/
He built it. He used to hide his money and his booze in there.
But you never expected him to come down there again so you used it.
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Thats right, exactly.
Hes sitting on the toilet. When he comes out he says hes calling the cops on us.
On us, how did this get to be us?
My father thinks youre the ringleader. He says you put me up to all of this. I tried telling him
the truth but he just keeps on ranting and raving about how Im too dumb to do something like
this on my own, saying how he knew all along that you were the big dope pusher in the
neighborhood and deserve to go to jail for the rest of your life.
My head starts spinning and I put the phone down next to me. My God what did I just walk into?
This was like a horrible nightmare or a cheap Saturday afternoon movie with like Faye Rae and
Edward G. Robison. I could wind up doing life in the can if her Old Man could convince the
cops it was me. Everything starts closing in on me and I want to run the hell out of there. I
thought about crossing the border to Mexico or maybe going to some Island where I could find a
job as a bartender serving exotic drinks to tourists for the rest of my life. It was time to think fast,
do something. Furthest Id ever been from Philly was Jersey, no I was in Florida once when I
was seven, but that didnt really count.
I hear the sound of a flushing toilet coming through the phone.
Then Mary in the background getting hysterical, saying hes coming out.
Now I can hear this sonofabtich screaming, Mary Louise you fucking little whore, you really
went ahead and did it this time. What did I tell you about hanging around with that no good Jew
bastard? Didnt I always teach you the Jews dont have any morals? All they ever care about is
money, money, money. They make me sick with their black hats and big noses.
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I hear Mary scream no, and theres the sound of a smack to the face, and then I hear a thump
which had to be Mary dropping the phone receiver to the floor.
Stay away from me, I can hear her saying. Hit me again and Ill kill you, you no good
drunken bastard.
Hes laughing and saying, You cant kill me. Im too filled up with morphine. Shoot me full of
holes and Ill keep on coming. You know how many guys I killed up on that farm? Id kill them
and feed them to the pigs. I made a lot of money killing people. Id do it for money and Id do it
for sport. You know, I wouldnt mind doing somebody one more time before I go to my final
resting place.
Her fingernails are clicking around the receiver as she grabs the phone off the floor.
She says, Rob youve got to come help me now. Hes out of his mind and hes going to do
something crazy.
Against all my instincts and better judgment I go running over to her house and her Old Man is
on the phone with the cops.
Yeah, hes telling them, She got this stuff off this kid named Rob that lives on our street. Ill
hold them here until you come and make the arrest.
I pull the phone out of his hand and he takes a feeble swing at me and I step out of the way.
You know, hes telling me, I think Im going to die today you shifty little Yid and it will
make me happy if I go out watch the two of you get sent up for good.
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Theres really nothing to say to this nut so I back away and Im watching Mary collecting
everything and throwing it all into three large duffle bags.
Shes all out of breath telling me, Rob were getting the hell out of here. Were taking the dope
and all the money and heading out to California Give me the keys to your car. I hand them to
her.
Marys Old Man pulls a rusty old government issue 45 from his bath robe, points it at me and
says the only place I may be going in California would be San Quentin. This was surreal. This
guy is supposed to be on his death bed and now hes standing there like James Cagney
threatening to shoot me.
My theory has always been when someone pulls a gun you get out of the room. Dont try and
talk them out of anything, dont reason with them, just get the hell out of the room. Im looking
at him close for the first time as I slowly back my way towards the door. Hes disgusting, about
four weeks of beard stubble on his face thats all filled up with chunky pieces of undigested food.
His pajama bottoms and his shirt are filthy grey and he stinks like hes been dead for a week.
Although his eyes are all fogged up and out of focus from all the dope hes been taking he
notices me backing away and tells me to stand where I am or hell put one right through me my
head.
I stop, try and stay calm and motionless.
He goes, You stole the cassette player out of my truck. It was you and that Dego kid Bernard
that you are as thick as thieves with; go ahead and deny it. I want it back and I dont care what
you have to do to get it, but get it back or else.
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I didnt steal your cassette player Mister Murphy, and if youre talking about Frankie, hes been
away for over a year. His white Chevy Nova is right outside in the street. He gave it to me until
he gets out. Neither of us stole your player.
Mary says, Enough, were not standing here listening to this nut case. Lets go Rob I got
everything in the car.
Marys Old Man turns the gun on her. She looks at him, stunned and asks him if hes willing to
shoot his own daughter. He says sure why not, just one less whore gone from the world is all. I
grab Mary and make a run for the door hoping this old prick cant react so fast. He cracks me in
the side of the head with the gun and I literally see starts and my legs get mushy, Im stunned,
cant move.
The Old Man points the gun at my head, calls me a no good Jew Bastard and pulls the trigger
and the gun misfires. He takes it and throws against the wall and it goes off. Lucky the bullet
didnt bounce and hit somebody beside him.
Hes coming after me, punching trying to connect. I pull Mary back and were about out the door
on our way to freedom and I hear Mary saying that we are going to be just fine, that she has
plenty of money stashed away. She says lets go, grabs me and were outside. I take one last look
through the screen door at her father and I see him gasping for breath and then he falls to his
knees.
Where the hell do you think youre going, he says. The cops will be here any second.
He falls on the side and starts squirming on the floor and spitting up blood.
Mary screams, Oh my God, hes dying.
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His goes into a death rattle and his face turns from red to blue and in a matter of seconds hes
gone.
Marys mother comes running down the steps ready to put on the best performance of her life.
She lies down next to him and is begging for a miracle, begging for God to bring him back.
Shes whispering all of this lovey goo-goo baby stuff in his ear, something I was sure she hadnt
done in years but now its too late, the guy is dead and hes not hearing a word of it.
Theres the sound of sirens, cop voices, they break down the door and Marys mother looks up
from the body of her dead husband and points the finger at me telling the cops that Im the one
that killed him.
I turn around and see Jackie hopping in the Nova and he pulls away without the cops noticing.
He must have been listening and didnt want the cops catching us with all that dope on top of
everything else.
An ambulance pulls up and the paramedics make a feeble attempt at trying to revive the Old Man
but hes long gone. They zip him up in a body bag and take him off to the funeral home.
The cops split me and Mary up and start asking us a whole bunch of questions to see if our
stories conflict.
Im telling them the exact truth about what happened and theyre shaking their heads and looking
at me like Im some crazed killer who has done this type of thing before.
Mary is sitting on the floor with her head between her knees rocking backing and forth acting
like shes catatonic and she wont say anything.
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A cop finds a bag of seeds and holds it up real proud for everybody to see. What do you know,
we got ourselves a couple of dope pushing killers right here, aint that something.
All the cops are laughing at us.
Marys mother is screaming at me, Dope addict, murderer, I hope you got to the chair for this. I
want you to burn in hell.
Im begging Mary please snap out of it, just tell them the truth, tell them what happened.
The cops are telling me to shut up or their going to put a gag on me.
They cuff both Mary and I and theyre saying that drugs and murder dont mix well. According
to them were going away for a long time, especially me.
They shove us in the back of a patrol car and halfway down to the station Mary says, Dont
worry about anything, Rob. Shes acting real calm like nothing happened, weird.
Why didnt you say something, why didnt you tell them what happened?
Rob, please listen to me. Just stay calm. Dont tell them anything else, nothing.
I cant believe her. This here could be my final act. Eighteen and its all over. The curtains are
drawing and shes telling me everything is going to be okay. I should have listened to my
parents and to Jackie and never got involved with this crazy nut. You should listen to the people
who love you. You really shouldnt trust anyone who hangs around in graveyards. Its just too
goddamn strange to be wholesome.
Now she says, What did you tell them Rob?
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I told them the truth. I said he hit me in the head with the gun and tried coming after me and the
next thing I knew he fell over dead.
What else, did you say anything about the dope?
Of course not, why would I tell them about that. Jackie got it out of there just in the nick of
time.
So now Jackie is okay now, hes a good guy again.
I didnt say that but he did save our ass.
He tried to stop it.
Stop what?
He tried to stop me from getting raped but there was too many of them and when he stepped in
he got himself beat up. Finally he threatened to call the cops but he waited way too long. Im
sorry I didnt tell you sooner. But its good, its good, you didnt say anything about the dope.
Dont say anything else to those Pigs until I get my lawyer.
Why didnt you tell me about Jackie?
I should have, Im sorry. I was just so angry. After this is over well both talk to him and get it
straightened out. You dont think hell run off and sell the dope do you?
I didnt answer. It was scaring me the way she was so cool and calculating like shed been down
this road before. I couldnt help thinking that maybe shed set this whole thing up so in the end
Id wind up bumping her Old Man off and shed serve me up as the fall guy and go walking
away Scot Free. It seemed like she had done this type of thing before. Too calm to be a novice.
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Was it possible that I was just one more of her male suckers caught in the sticky web of this
femme fatal? She lied to me about Jackie, what else had she lied about?
I said, Were looking at murder you know?
What murder, you didnt murder anyone Rob. He hit you and then he came after me and you
tried to protect us, end of story.
So why didnt you tell the cops that?
You dont tell the cops anything. You let the lawyer do the talking.
But
She leaned over and kissed me, told me again there was nothing to worry about and that
everything was going to be okay.
Then she starts telling me this, My money is hidden in the graveyard. We need somebody we
can trust to go get it out of there.
Jackie will get it.
You can trust him?
Yes.
Hes an asshole.
He can be, but I can trust him.
I sure hope youre right because were talking about a lot of money.
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How much money/
Close to a million Im guessing. Ive been saving up for a long time.
You bury a million dollars in a cemetery, are you nuts?
I said that a little too loud and she asked me to keep my voice down.
Did you ever consider a bank, a safety deposit box?
I just feel safer with it in the cemetery. The dead people dont care about stealing money, they
dont need it.
Tell me the truth, whats this whole thing with you and dead people/
You can trust them; they know how to keep a secret.
They keep us in separate holding cells. Marys Lawyer doesnt show up until the next morning.
He and Mary give the cops their version of the truth which must have been good enough because
they sprang Mary and let me sit in jail while the cops took their time chewing on the story.
I call my Old Man and tell him what happened and he says to never come home. I try and call
Jackie but he doesnt answer.
They sprang me after a couple of days and try to hit Mary on a drug charge over the bag of seeds
until her lawyer gets the whole case thrown out on illegal search and seizure.
Mary calls me after her fathers funeral is over and we meet over at Jackies house. Jackie
explains what happened that night Mary got raped. He tried to stop it but got himself pummeled
to the ground a couple of times. He called the cops but they didnt show up for over a half hour
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and by that time the whole thing was over. He told Mary he was sorry, he should have acted
sooner. She told him to forget it and said how wrong she was for not telling me he tried to help.
I asked Jackie why he didnt tell me what happened right off and he said I should have had more
faith in him than to think hed just let something like that happen. He was right. What was I
thinking? That type of thing just wasnt in his character at all.
Jackie told Mary he should have never have said bad things about her to me. She told him
theres always enough sin to go around for everybody and now it was time for forgiveness
We need to forget about this, she said. What happened was bad and we all screwed up,
especially me for not telling the truth about you Jackie. Its in the past now, best thing we can do
is put it behind us.
Jackie said, Ill never disrespect you again, I promise. Can you forgive me?
Mary hugged Jackie and told him that she was sorry too and that she already forgave him. This
might have been a stressful moment, but at least I had both of my best friends back.
Then she says shes wont be seeing me for a couple of days, you know, she had to spend some
time with her mother and help her through the grief and all.
A week goes by before I hear from her. I am going through one more heartbreak routine, but this
time its not quite as severe as the first. I sense something very strange is about to happen and I
prepare myself for the worst. Im thinking about her fathers death and how she didnt say
anything to protect me until we got to the police station, and Im not forgetting about her lying
about Jackie. Why didnt she tell the cops what happened right off instead of going into that
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zombie routine? Was she waiting to see what her lawyer had to say first? Was she thinking about
throwing me under the bus if he told her to do it?
A week passes then a few more days and then she call. She sounds broken up inside, maudlin
and somber. I dont want to go back to her basement so we meet at the luncheonette around the
corner. The spark and magic that lit up her eyes and face were snuffed out like candles, and her
once golden aura had gone to grey. Shes looking like shes under hypnosis or somebody cast a
spell upon her, and shes telling me about the obligation she has to take care of her mother. After
all she cant just abandon her. Theyve decided to sell the house and move back to Erie.
I told her somehow I felt this coming.
I dont want to lose her so I make this straight from the heart pitch to try and save us. I tell her
how much I love her. I say, lets get out of this place while theres still time left. My parents
they made the same mistake; chickened out, stayed back when they were ready to go west. They
had the car all packed up and ready to go to California when my mother suddenly gets cold-feet,
afraid to leave her mother behind. Her mother knew how to take care herself and she would have
been fine. They should have gone. If they had they might have had a whole different kind of life.
Now here it was, lifes classic mistakes coming around full circle. Lifes cycle walking right in
uninvited and repeating itself. I was praying for a chance to make an escape with this girl who I
really didnt know much about. All I really knew was I loved her and that was enough. Now I
could feel the window of time and opportunity quickly closing and slipping away.
Mary your mother can take care of herself. Lets go out to California like we planned. I said.
If we dont go now were going to wind up dying here.
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Everything Im saying is falling on deaf ears. Shes not listening and I know theres nothing I
can do or say that will penetrate that Catholic guilt and that Catholic sense of sorrow and self-
pity. My father talked about it all the time, the Catholic guilt. It isnt that Jews dont have it; not
much different at all as the Catholics experience. Truth is Jews are riddled with it, but we are
also masters when it comes to lifes rationalizations and balancing acts of reasoning which is part
of our salvation. On the other hand the Catholics have confession, but how well does that work?
Although confession offers instant absolution Catholics still seem to hold onto guilt as long as
we did, maybe longer. Right now nothing was working for Mary.
I was starting to get angry. As far as I was concerned she was being self-indulgent and
hypocritical.
What happened to us Mary? I said it loud enough for everyone in the restaurant to hear me.
What happened to life, to love to happiness? Whats going on in the spirit world and all those
poor souls you communicate with in the cemetery?
She yelled at me, told me to stop it, but I wasnt stopping, not yet. I might have been stupid
enough to have taken the bait but she drew me into her life and now she was just going to
dismiss me like nothing ever happened between us. Did she really care about me like she said or
was she just pretending all along? If things went sideways with her fathers death they could
have locked me up and thrown away the key, I just got lucky. Screw it, I wasnt letting it go and
I wasnt letting her get away with without some humiliation. If she was planning on going off
and leaving me high and dry then she was going to pay the price right there in Bakers
Luncheonette. No way was I giving her the opportunity to drag my heart though the mud over
and over again. If things were going to end I wanted it to happen now.
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I started in, Lets be honest here, you didnt love your father, you hated his guts and couldnt
wait for him to die.
She stared off into the distance, didnt say anything.
And your mother, well we both know shes nothing but an abusive miserable bitch that deserves
to be alone. So for the last time Mary, let this go, dont throw away your whole life over guilt
and some false sense of obligation, theres nothing novel about it, it happens all the time to
people when they let their emotions do the thinking for them. If your mother wants to go back to
Erie let her go. Give her some money and let her go live the rest of her life in peace and you live
yours with me like we planned on.
She pulls me out of Bakers and into the alley, breaks down in my arms. Tells me she sinned
horribly and promised the Lord Jesus that she would atone. Jesus was in her heart now and he
would show her the way, and right now the way was taking her mother off to Erie, PA.
She says to me, I had to make a vow to take care of her for the rest of her life.
Then thats it then?
It is for now but maybe not forever.
You know what Mary, youre full of shit. Im not buying any of this.
No Rob, listen she says, I need you to understand this.
Understand what? If Jesus cared about you, if he was really looking out for your best interests,
I doubt he would have you going into widows mode along with your mother. Why dont you
just go all the way and become a cloistered Nun, sit around and pray for the dead all day and cut
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yourself off from the rest of the world. They have a place for you down on Broad Street; if I
were you Id go ahead and sign up now.
Go ahead, go off and devote your life to a mother who never gave two shits about you. But Im
not buying this. This whole goddamn thing is just too incredulous. Youre running from
something. Theres something youre not telling me about isnt there?
No, I just told you is the truth, I had to make a vow.
Vow my ass. You sold yourself off to me as this free thinking peacenik ,so evolved, so
connected to the spiritual world that nothing could get down or make you quit, not your parents,
nobody. You told me repeatedly that neither of them had the time of day for you, and how they
didnt love. You did nothing but go on and on about how your fathers soul would die right along
with him because he was just no good from the start. You hated those people and all you talked
about was getting away from them.
Now that I look back at everything that happened I feel like such an asshole. You reeled me in
to your little hippie world filled with the sweet smell of pot and incense while your plans and
schemes lied hidden behind smoke and vapor. Lets face it, you fucking used me.
She stops me and says, No please dont think of me like that.
You roped me in and set me up from day one. You pulled me into your life hoping and
expecting something would happen between me and your father all it would take to bump him
off was a little push, a push you didnt have the guts to do yourself so you used me for it.
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Rob, she said with this firm commanding voice that I had yet to hear, If that was my plan then
you would never have gotten out of jail. I would have lied and convinced the cops it was you
who killed my father. I can be pretty convincing when I want to.
There was a conniving look in her eye that irked me.
Yes thats true you can be very convincing. You showed me how good you were when you lied
about Jackie. You lied about him to push us apart so you could have me to yourself without his
interference. Youre a liar, no getting around that, and what liars do is lie again and again; it
never stops. You made your big mistake with me by not telling the truth about him, and it speaks
volumes about your true character. Instead of telling me what really happened you lead me to
believe that my best friend is nothing but this horrible person, this monster.
They raped me, she screamed. They raped me and damned near left me for dead and Im
supposed to worry about your friend Jackies feelings? I was traumatized.
Yeah, and now youre traumatized again over your mother having lost that soulless piece of
trash of a husband. I guess youre prone to trauma, some people are.
Now youre just being mean.
Maybe, I said and stopped for a moment to gather my thoughts; and then it hit me, let her go.
Good luck in Erie with your mother. Go take care of her like the Lord told you to.
We looked at each other for a few moments shifting back and forth on our feet wondering what
was going to be happen next, both seeing the end coming, and then I asked her, How old is she
now 55?
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Shes 54 if that matters
Oh it matters alright. She could easily live another 30 years. Why dont you call me after she
passes on then maybe we can start back up where we left off. Or maybe youll find some poor
schmuck to do her in while youre busy running around your farm planting a victory garden. I
sure hope you know what youre doing with those seeds because the Feds are really cracking
down on that shit.
Dont worry, I know what Im doing, she said calmly.
Im sure you do. Youre a calculating bitch and you always know what youre doing.
She leaned against the alley wall pulled a cigarette from her purse and lit up. Rob I know you I
hurt you and I guess I cant blame you for being cruel.
Nah, Im not being cruel, just realistic. Maybe Ill see you around sometime, huh Mary?
I walk out of the alley. Shes screaming after me to come back. Theres nothing else to discuss.
Theres no way any guy can compete with vows and hard core guilt, at least I didnt know of a
way to do it, and if she was looking for absolution from me, well that was somebody elses job.
One hot August day a moving truck pulls in front of Marys house. Jackie and I are standing on
the same piece of curb we stood on watching her move in ten years ago. We watch as the movers
load the contents of the house into the truck. Mary and her mother are already gone, living with
relatives up in Erie until they fix up her grandfathers old farm. She never said goodbye, no note
no nothing.
Im broken up inside but I do my best to convince myself its all for the best and things would
have wound up bad between her and I no matter what. I never tell anybody how much I still
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loved her or how much I hurt inside, so I suffer alone in silence. Months go by, the winter comes
and Im heart sick, cant shake it. I know that life will never be the same again. By mid-January
Im so filled with pain and depression that Im thinking about jumping out a window or going up
to Erie and finding her. Then I get this letter
My Dearest Rob,
I miss you so very much and I was so wrong and Im sorry that I left without saying goodbye,
but you did say some mean things so I wasnt sure what to do. The thing is you were right, I did
hate my father, but when he died and all it was like everything came crashing down on me at
once and I just didnt know what to do. Then this miracle happened Rob, you have to believe
me, it was a real one hundred percent miracle. Jesus came to me in the middle of the night and
stood along my bedside. Oh Rob you really have to believe me when I tell you Jesus came
because it really happened and its true, I swear. I know you think Im nothing but a liar but you
have to try and believe me on this. Ill never forget how he looked, so tall and beautiful in his
white robe, a glow around his whole body from his long curly hair down to his sandals. I cried
out to him and asked for his forgiveness and he gently put his hand over my forehead and told
me he loved me and spoke to me about forgiveness and salvation and told me I would be saved
by his hand. Everything felt so warm and golden inside of me and I was filled with so much life
and love from his touch He told me all the right things to do were already written in my heart and
then he vanished in a puff of smoke like one of those magic Genies you see in the movies.
It was just so amazing the way I was able to find the right way through my heart and it was
surely written in my destiny that I take my mother back to Erie. I just knew I had to take her
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there and look after her because this is the place she really wants to be and she has no one else in
this world but me. It was the right thing to do Rob.
We moved into the farmhouse my grandfather left to my Mom once the old tenants moved out.
We started fixing the old place up and I began looking around to lease the land out to crop
farmers because there was no way Mom and I could till the soil alone. We didnt know that
much about farming to begin with and neither of us had strength enough to be pitching hay and
pulling plows.
God knows I did my best to look after her and keep her health and spirits up, I swear I did. To
everyones dismay she caught this rare strain of flu back in November and no matter how much
medication the doctors gave her she just couldnt shake it off. The disease wreaked havoc on her
heart, which was never that strong to begin with and I watched her shrivel up to nothing and she
just died last week. We didnt send her off to funeral pallor we just laid her out in the living
room in an open coffin like they used to do back when. We lit candles all around the room and
people brought all these flowers. Then we settled on a nice spot as her final resting place next to
this big pine tree on a hill above the grazing area.
Oh Rob, Im so alone, so scared and confused. I need you. I know you must hate me for running
out on you the way I did, but please youve got to come for me. On the back of the letter theres
the address and directions to the farm. If you dont come Ill be heart- broken but Ill try and
understand. Ill be waiting for you my lover and things will be just like they were last summer, I
promise, youll see.
Your blood sister,
Mary
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I get on a Trailways bus to Erie in a raging snowstorm and the bus breaks down on the
Pennsylvania Turnpike. I stand with twenty other passengers on the side of the road freezing our
asses off waiting for another bus to come. There was a bum on the bus kind enough to share part
of his blanket and whiskey bottle with me. By the time I get into Erie its three in the morning.
Theres a blizzard in Erie causing ten foot snow drifts. Not one soul on the street, and no way to
get to the farmhouse, so I sleep on the bench in the bus station for the night.
In the morning it stopped snowing and the sun came up. I found this guy in the local diner who
had a snowplow and he offered to take me up to Murphys Farm for ten bucks and a little help
with throwing salt on the streets and hauling cars out of drifts on the way up.
As soon as we pull up in front the house I hear Mary call my name and she runs smack into my
arms. Im holding her tighter than I ever held her and the smell of her hair and the feel of her
body bring back all the wonderful feelings that were lying dead inside of me for so long. In a
matter of moments Im back to feeling like I felt last summer.
We hold on and kiss forever and I know this is love, the kind of love they write about in books
and make movies about. I knew without a doubt that this is what people kept people going. It
was a state of mind that any normal soul would fight and die for. What else mattered as much?
What on earth measured up to it? There was nothing else. I promised myself to cherish this and
hold onto it in my memory until the day I died. Everything in my life would have been
meaningless if it hadnt led up to this moment.
Mary takes me by the hand and leads to her house and all the cold and all the frost just melts
away over body and soul my and heart just fades into Marys heart
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Were inside her house and its kind of dark and small; needs work but it looks nice enough.
Theres the smell of candles and incense burning and it reminds me of being back in her
basement. My mind starts filling up with dreams again. I just want to be with her, talk to her hold
her.
Someone comes walking in the living room and throws a light switch. My mood changes while
Im looking at this at this bald headed character wearing an orange robe that looks like a shower
curtain. Hes a big hulking guy, stupid looking in that get up, and hes asking Mary whats going
on and who am I. She tells him Im her friend from Philadelphia and introduces me. He doesnt
extend his hand, just says Hare Krishna, bows a bit at the waist and disappears into the other
room.
I ask Mary, Who the hell is that?
Thats Jake: she says, Hes one of the family members.
Im thinking oh no, here we go again this is going to be bad real bad.
She leads me into the next room and introduces me to the rest of the family. All these Hare
Krishnas are lounging on sofas and lying on bean bag chairs strewn across the floor. A young
girl with pretty blue eyes and a bald head looks up at me and says Hare Krishna and shakes her
tambourine. Mary leads me to the front of the room and we both sit cross-legged on the floor.
She tells me its payer time and they all start chanting this weird chant that sounds like a flock of
angry bees.
Im starting to get sick and theres a feeling in my chest like something is jabbing me in the heart
with a real sharp object. Mary hands me this little round dough ball and tells me to chew on it. I
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put it in my mouth and I cant chew it or swallow it down, its just puffed between my cheeks
like a big wad of Silly Putty.
Im looking at these people with their bald heads, their orange robes. They have castanets on
their fingers, bongo drums between their legs. They are holding bells and tambourines. They all
look nuts and I feel like I just walked into a crazy house.
My body breaks into a sweat and I get up to look for a place to fall down. Mary is asking, whats
the matter, I cant answer her. Im praying this this is just temporary and that all these people are
going back to the airport after the snowstorm but I dont really think that is going to happen.
Were back in Marys bedroom and Im asking her how she could have fallen into such a stupid
trap with these assholes. Im trying to explain that they are nothing but a cult, just an excuse for a
bunch of lazy bastards to put up a religious front in order to extort time and money out of people.
I tell her, God expects us to be productive and use our minds and bodies, not just sit around and
sing praises to him all day long. How would anything get done, whos going to take out the
garbage and how is humanity supposed to advance if all we did was bang on drums and ring
bells for the Lord?
Cant you see that this is nothing but a set up for weak minded people? Ill bet you dollars to
doughnuts theres a guy at the top of this food- chain raking in the money. Its a fucking scam
like all cults are a fucking scam. How much money have you given these people?
Rob, thats really none of your business. What I offer is between me and the Lord Hare
Krishna.
Im telling you this is nothing but a fucking scam.
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Mary doesnt hear me. She starts giving me the lowdown on the whole Hare Krishna story. Im
getting sicker by the minute. She put the screws to me once again. I should have never have
gotten on that bus.
Oh its so beautiful Rob, she says with this condescending little giggle that make me want to
wrap my hands around her throat and kill her.
Shes not so far gone that she cant see my anger, but she keeps on going.
Do you even know what Krishna means Rob?
No, I dont know, I tell her as I drop my head like a benched athlete as I wait for the
explanation.
I raise my head up and look right in her eyes and she has this expression that clearly shows her
mind has been twisted around by these people and their puppet show cult. Somehow these
chanting motherfuckers got lucky and found a path around panhandling and chanting at the
airport that led directly to her door.
I knew right away this was just one more replay of her mind madness, and that look in her eye
were not at all dissimilar to that last parting look she had when she told me about the vow she
would make for her mother.
There was nothing I could do or say that would break her loose from these people and this cult.
There wasnt going to be any rescue, and there was no way to bring her back. Mary was a
spiritual chameleon that floated through on air from one type of devotion to another. She had
played her dirty trick of deception on me once again. She would lie and swear up and down that
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my opinion wasnt true, but it didnt matter, we were over. I should have just left, but like an
asshole I sat around to take more abuse from her.
She sits up against a pillow on her bed and asks me to come lay next to her, but I tell her no Im
okay sitting in this chair. Now she starts giving me the whole Krishna story.
Krishna is the name of the Supreme, she starts rattling like shes reciting lines out of a book.
It means all attractive. Anything that might attract you has its source in the Supreme. Therefore
the Supreme is also known as Rama and Rama means the highest eternal pleasure
And I say, condescendingly, What is that, what is the highest eternal pleasure. I know for sure
making love on acid is definitely one of them. Whats this Rama guy have to offer thats better
than making love on acid?
She giggles again and I hate that giggle even more than the first time. Then I recognize the
giggle, its one of those all-knowing giggles like the swamis have. Same giggle as that flower
head Maharishi Maheshi who was banging every broad that moved and snowing the whole world
with his sing song babbling bullshit including the Beatles until they figured him out to be a fraud.
He had that same irritating giggle.
She goes firing off lines like its Sunday and shes a religious school teacher. The highest eternal
pleasure is to place ourselves in harmony with Krishna and Krishnas energies so we can return
to our natural pure state of consciousness, what our family calls Krishna consciousness.
No, I say, This is complete crap, theyve got you brainwashed for sure. I dont care what kind
of pleasure you want to call it, eternal, external, the greatest pleasure I ever had was holding you
in my arms that night in Curtis Hall and making love to you. Nothing gets better than that,
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nothing on earth or sky comes close. And it wasnt just the love making, it was just being
together, sharing our lives and acting natural, not this shit. That was real this is a fabrication of
some other guys take on happiness. Its just a bunch of made up mumbo jumbo, cant you see
that?
I couldnt believe what she comes back with. She says to me, No Rob youre wrong. We were
just exploiting our energy and creating an entanglement that was making life much too
complicated to be in harmony with Krishna and Krishnas energies.
She stretches her arms out and drops her head against her shoulder and she looks real strange,
like she just turned two dimensional and fell into one of those 11
th
Century biblical oil depiction
of Jesus with Mary and the disciples. The ones like they have in the Art Museum with floating
cherubs blowing horns and a tumultuous skies opening up to the heavens. Heaven ready to
receive save and absolve all those lost suffering souls handing over their one way ticked off the
earth.
She starts preaching to me like the Holy Mother.
Shes very staid now, very matter of fact. She gets out of her bed giving me this sermon while
shes walking back and forth on the carpeted bedroom floor like an army general formulating
strategy.
I have given up those things that cause entanglement between people and illusions of true love
and have guided my soul towards true spiritual advancement.
She goes on and on laying out this list of things she will no longer do; she wont take drugs,
drink liquor, tea, coffee or smoke cigarettes.
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She says, the world of Krishna makes us high and there is no reason to get high on illusions.
What about that kiss you gave me out the door? That didnt seem like a Krishna kiss that felt
real. What happened, did you forget yourself for the moment?
Her wheels were turning, not sure what to say yet, I was right she did get caught up in the
moment and for a moment came out from behind this new veil she was hiding behind.
Then she goes, Oh Rob this doesnt mean I dont still love you, I do. And we can have sex, but
first we must both become devotees and get married under the eyes of Krishna. Everything in life
has its place including sex and when sex happens its to enrich the marriage and to multiply our
flock by having many children.
Let me get this straight, Mary, for me to have sex with you again I have shave my head and turn
into one of these bald headed, orange shower curtain wearing, tambourine shaking assholes.
Then I have to marry you outside of my faith, and we only get to do it for the sake of Krishna
and having children?
How many kids was she talking about? Multiply the flock? I never wanted more than two kids,
never a flock.
Finally I had enough. All I wanted to do was get the hell out of there. I asked her if she had a car
or truck, something that would get me back to town. She said that her grandfathers old pickup
was still running and why where was I going.
Im getting out of here while I still have my sanity. If I have to Ill walk back to the bus station,
but I just want out of this crazy house.
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She starts crying and saying how I never talked to her like that before and what had changed
about me that could make me so cruel and horrible. How could I just leave?
Dont you see Mary this is nothing but a dead end for losers. Whatever you think these people
are never going to be your friends. Theyll sponge off of you until they cant get another nickel
and then theyll move on to another place and find another sucker.
Im done. I had enough of Mary and her quest for spiritual enlightenment and it was time to get
away from her for good.
The big goon I met on the way in, Larry, he hears Mary crying and wants to know whats going
on, whats the matter?
She tells Larry its nothing, I just have her bit confused is all.
Larry is acting a little tough in his clown suit and says maybe I ought to leave.
Mary tells him no she doesnt want me to leave she wants me to stay.
I tell him to go fuck off and mind his own business Go bang on a drum, ring a bell or something
you fucking phony panhandling prick.
Now this bald headed asshole is staring me down like hes ready to duke it out and I say, Arent
you supposed to be a pacifist.
He keeps up with the intimidating look. Im looking around for a pole, a bat, something I can
really smash the shit out of him with. Hes the perfect scapegoat to help me relieve all my
frustrations. It would be a great work out.
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I think better of beating up on Larry and tell Mary Im leaving.
When I open the door the snow is coming down heavy again and theres a strong whistling wind
coming through the trees. Im thinking of going for it when Mary tells me its over twenty miles
to town and she says Ill never make it on foot. Now what?
She leads me down the hall to a room filled with books and a sofa. She tells me this was her
grandfathers little retreat. She said I could rest for a while until the storm settled down.
She says she has to go do her morning prayer and will come back later to check up on me. Its
about 9:00 AM and I realize I havent slept for over twenty-four hours. The sofa was
comfortable, one of those big bulky Victorian velvety ones with thick cushions that you just sink
into. The minute I laid down I went out like a light.
When I woke up it was dark out. Mary was sleeping on the floor by the sofa. I opened the
window curtain and the snow was still coming down but the wind had stopped. I got down on
the floor next to her and ran my fingers through her hair. It made me sick to think she was going
to cut it off to be part of this cult. Mary, what happened to you?
She woke and smiled at me, told me that she still loved me and would always love me.
But right now Krishna is the main man in your life, right. First it was Jesus and now its
Krishna. Whos next, Santa Clause?
Please try not to be so cynical, she said.
Are you having second thoughts about cutting your hair off? Wishful thinking.
No, tomorrow I will become a devotee. Its a day to rejoice and I want you to share it with me.
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Sorry Mary, no way. Im not going to stay around and watch them cut all your hair off, I
wouldnt be able to take it.
She said, I spoke to the farmer next to us and he said hed take you into town on his tractor in
the morning. I dont want you to go but I cant keep you here if you feel the way you do.
I asked her, What happened to all the noise, the drums, the chanting.
She said they all went to bed early and they got up early for their morning prayer.
Is there room on that couch for me? She asked. Will you hold me?
I held her and before we fell back to sleep she said this was would probably be our last time
together.
Right before the sun came up I woke. Mary wasnt there, probably went back to her bedroom for
the night.
The floorboards creaked as I grabbed my stuff and tip toed through the house, passed by all the
sleeping baldies and headed over to the farm across the road. The farmer already had the tractor
fired up and was ready to make the ride to town. He had a trailer hooked on the back so he could
bring back some provisions as he called them.
He asked me my name and where I was from so I told him, then he asked me questions about
what was going on in that house and I convinced him that they were just practicing this weird
religion and there was nothing to worry about because they were a peaceful lot, just weird
looking, thats all. I didnt want to make any trouble for Mary no matter how wrong I thought
she was.
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His name was Jake, a real nice guy. He asked me if I could stick around for a while to help him
load the trailer. I told him that wouldnt be a problem. When we got finished he gave me twenty
bucks for helping him and wished me good luck.
Before he pulled away he said, I dont go around getting into other peoples business but you
look like a good kid to me and my advice to you is stay clear of them kind of cults. I dont
believe in hexes and the devil and all that shit but I read a couple of articles in the Readers Digest
about some of them groups they have up in San Francisco and a lot of those people meet up with
a bad ending. One place there burnt up with a bunch of those same people you got next door.
They were wearing those orange robes, at least the ones you could recognize. They pulled dead
babies out of there and everything, a real mess. I read a lot of those cults get awful nasty too,
beat up on the people to keep them in line.
He pulled out some chewing tobacco and stuck and chunk in the side of his mouth, leaned over
and shook my hand, told me You best be heading back to the city now son; kid like you dont
look like hed be too happy hanging around these parts for too long.
Jake said goodbye and rode off.
Almost a year goes by until I hear from Mary again another letter.
My Dearest Rob,
I wouldnt blame you at all if you tore up this letter before you opened it but Im hoping you
dont. Its hard for me to imagine how I hurt you and how much emotional pain I put you
through. Like a fool I was looking for salvation everywhere and there you were, my savior
standing right in front of me and I was just too blind to see. My biggest regret in life will always
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be not going to out to California with you. We could be living in the sunshine and walking on the
beach right now. If I think too long about what I did Ill fall into a depression that would be top
deep and impossible to crawl out of.
After my father died I was riddled with guilt and filled with sin. My soul, my entire being felt
tainted and dirty so I went into panic mode and decided the only way I could save myself in the
eyes of God was to take care of my mother. After she died I still needed a way to cleanse myself
and thats when I joined the Hare Krishnas.
Rob, I was so wrong and you were so right, just like you are always right. If I had just listened to
you and stayed with you I know my life would be so much different now. I know I would be
happy. You are so smart and you picked up on the Krishnas right away. They are nothing but a
horrible evil cult just like you said. They dont care about anything else but money, money is
their real God. You just wouldnt believe how much they made selling their books and
magazines on street corners, and they do their dance and their mantra chant and people just
throw change and dollar bills at them and it all goes to this big organization somewhere nobody
really knows or talks about. Who are these people? You were so right about Larry. He knows
where the money goes because hes one of their strong arms; a wolf in sheeps clothing is what
he is. He got this small band of followers together to harass the rest of the devotees to go out
every day and earn money.
After you left that morning I became so depressed that I couldnt go through with the final ritual
of having my hair shaved off. I lost all my passion to become a devotee. All I could think was
you telling me how beautiful my hair was and the stories you told me about the women who
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went in the concentration camps during the war how they felt so humiliated and torn from their
identity and humanity from having their hair shaved off. I remembered all of those things.
After I refused the ritual Larry became cruel and hostile and would yell at me all the time. He
was abusing almost everybody and one girl, you probably remember her, the one with the big
beautiful blue eyes, they caught her trying to escape and beat her something terrible. When I
tried to stop them he and his little band of enforcers threatened me. They threatened to burn
down the farm.
I told them they all had to go but Larry refused and I realized I was in danger and went to Jake,
you know the farmer who drove you into town. Jake took kindly to me and he said if I promised
to never join a cult again and just stick with Jesus and the Christian faith he would help me and I
told him yes without a moments hesitation.

Well, Jake is a peace loving man but you sure dont want to get on his wrong side. He went out
and rounded up some of his friends and they came down on Larry and his buddies like Grant hit
Richmond. Larry was all busted up and they had to call in an ambulance for him; as for the
others, well they just got going while the going was good because Jake said hed comeback if
there was any more similar commotion which is one thing he wouldnt stand for in his town. All
the devotees left except Hannah, thats the girl with the big blue eyes, she and I went back to
Philadelphia and rented an apartment together. I know I shouldnt say this but I would really like
to see you.
Mary left her phone number and address but I never contacted her. A couple of years later I ran
into her in the Cherry Hill Mall. She was married now to this little pipsqueak of a guy named
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Miles. She introduced me to him and we talked for a bit and went our separate ways. I hoped that
Miles didnt suffer the same type of fate as I did being around her.
About a year letter another letter came. She told me how big a mistake she made marrying Miles
and how much she still loved me, and asked me if I would come out and visit her when he went
off on his next business trip. Again I didnt respond and never heard from her again.
Although the time we spent together that summer was short and compressed like a two-hour
movie, there was no denying it was one of the greatest times of my life. It was like riding an
amusement park roller coaster that never slowed down or stopped. I think about her from time
to time and wonder where she is now. Wherever she is I hope she found her fair share of peace
and happiness she had her faults but overall she was a good natured soul and she would
deserve that. Id be lying if I said I didnt still miss her and love her.








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