Entropy

The biography of Jordan Gardiner

In loving memory of Audrey Jessica Gardiner

Entropy: the degradation of the matter and energy in the universe to an ultimate state of
inert uniformity. A process of degradation or running down or a trend to disorder.
- Merriam-ebster
Entropy: a state of disorder or chaos. !t is the scientific measure for the uncertainty of an
outcome.
- i"ipedia
To me# entropy means chaos. $Entropy$ is my %ourney out of chaos.
- Jordan Gardiner
Some characters depicted in Entropy have been given aliases to protect their identities.
The following is a true story:
Table of Contents
Prologue................................................................................................................................................ 11
ACT I
Chapter 1............................................................................................................................................... 14
Playing The Part
Chapter 2............................................................................................................................................... 21
Let A Star Be Just A Star And A Girl Just A Dream
Chapter ............................................................................................................................................... 1
An !n"inished Good#ye
Chapter 4 .............................................................................................................................................. $
The Delin%uents o" &dmonton
Chapter '............................................................................................................................................... 4(
)ome*oming
Chapter (............................................................................................................................................... '+
Bliss
Chapter +............................................................................................................................................... (+
&,aluating -our Standards
Chapter ................................................................................................................................................ +4
The !nderlying Tension
Chapter $............................................................................................................................................... ++
The Bit*h
ACT II
Chapter 1............................................................................................................................................... .2
Pre*on*ie,ed Per*eptions
Chapter 2............................................................................................................................................... $'
&motion And Logi*
Chapter ............................................................................................................................................. 1/
!ltimatum
Chapter 4............................................................................................................................................. 1/(
Dissolution
Chapter '............................................................................................................................................. 112
0ntelle*tual Games
Chapter (............................................................................................................................................. 12
1anipulation
Chapter +............................................................................................................................................. 12(
2hat Are Sisters 3or4
Chapter .............................................................................................................................................. 12
5ear Death
Chapter $............................................................................................................................................. 1+
6edemption
ACT III
Chapter 1............................................................................................................................................. 142
!ltimate Pu# Cra7ls
Chapter 2............................................................................................................................................. 1'/
The Game
Chapter ............................................................................................................................................. 1'
Cheerleaders
Chapter 4............................................................................................................................................. 1(/
So 0 thin8 0 Can Dan*e
Chapter '............................................................................................................................................. 1('
Judges Are Assholes
Chapter (............................................................................................................................................. 1+1
Brea8ing The Su**ess Barrier
Chapter +............................................................................................................................................. 1$/
A 5e7s 6eporter 3or A 1odel
Chapter .............................................................................................................................................. 2//
9ld 3lames Die )ard
Chapter $............................................................................................................................................. 2/+
A 3ire 0gnited
Chapter 1/........................................................................................................................................... 21'
Compromised
Chapter 11........................................................................................................................................... 22/
!nderta8ing
Chapter 12........................................................................................................................................... 22(
!pgraded
Chapter 1........................................................................................................................................... 2/
The Past 0s A Lie
Chapter 14........................................................................................................................................... 2+
De*eption:s Truth
ACT IV
Chapter 1............................................................................................................................................. 242
The 0m#alan*e o" Attra*tion
Chapter 2............................................................................................................................................. 24+
5e7 )ori;on
Chapter ............................................................................................................................................. 2'/
6esurgen*e
Chapter 4............................................................................................................................................. 2'4
9mission
Chapter '............................................................................................................................................. 2'$
3ears And Pho#ias
Chapter (............................................................................................................................................. 2(2
Spring Brea8 0n Can*un
Chapter +............................................................................................................................................. 2(
Co*o Bongo
Chapter .............................................................................................................................................. 2+2
6a*hel o" Chi*ago < =ara o" Toronto
Chapter $............................................................................................................................................. 2+.
Su#merged
Chapter 1/........................................................................................................................................... 2.
The 1oon Pala*e
Chapter 11........................................................................................................................................... 2$/
)ate &,ery Beauti"ul Day
Chapter 12........................................................................................................................................... 2$4
The Last Con%uest
Chapter 1........................................................................................................................................... /'
Sola*e
Chapter 14........................................................................................................................................... 12
2hen The Past 1eets The Present
ACT V
Chapter 1............................................................................................................................................ 2/
6eprisal
Chapter 2............................................................................................................................................. 2(
0" There 2as &,er A Per"e*t Girl
Chapter .............................................................................................................................................
Ameri*an Auda*ity
Chapter 4............................................................................................................................................. $
The Goat 0n The 2oods
Chapter '............................................................................................................................................. 4+
3ate Doesn:t Li8e Being Tempted T7i*e
Chapter (............................................................................................................................................. '1
The Great Di,ide
Chapter +............................................................................................................................................. ''
Purgatory
Chapter .............................................................................................................................................. (/
A Career 0n Dreams or A Career 0n Drugs
Chapter $............................................................................................................................................. (
&>ile
Chapter 1/........................................................................................................................................... (+
A#solution
Chapter 1/........................................................................................................................................... +1
The Last 1oment o" &ntropy
&pilogue.............................................................................................................................................. +'
Prologue
! thought that having the perfect woman# wealth in friends# and vast amounts of money would fill
the void of my inner dissatisfaction. !t didn$t.
! fought relentlessly to attain happiness and bliss& sometimes ! did attain it and it was perfect.
Everything felt right# in place# and in order# enduring a sense of symmetry li"e no other. The
problem was that it only lasted for a moment. !$ve dedicated years of my life for one very specific
state of being. This silly little thing is everything to us& it$s what the world craves# desires# and
wor"s toward.
!t$s simple chemistry in the brain of every woman# man# and child. Every emotion and feeling
you have ever endured is a product of your body regulating its resources.
'ove is a mystery# love is divine# love is meant to be. (o& love is science. 'ove is %ust a chemical
reaction and it can be manipulated and used. henever we$re sad or happy# angry or depressed# or
even feeling strong affection toward another# there is no cosmic or meaningful reason behind it. )ur
feelings and choices are biology.
*ate# destiny# and the idea that things are meant to be are only rationali+ations to ma"e sense of
our shortcomings or luc". The world is random# the world is chaotic# the world is entropy.
! had a huge arguement with an e,-girlfriend. !t started because ! felt li"e the universe had a plan
and that us being together wasn-t random. .he disagreed and it shoc"ed me that she didn-t thin" we
were part of a bigger destiny together.
! used to believe in higher purposes and prophecy stemming mostly from vanity and the idea that
! actually matter in this huge# cold universe& that it "nows and gives a shit about who ! am. !t-s
pathetic# but ! also li"e to thin" it-s romantic that cosmic recognition would separate me from a
lump of coal.
! never claimed to be pure of heart# not even close. The %ourney you$re about to embar" on is
cold# dar"# and real. /o happy endings ever e,ist in true stories0 1erhaps. 2ut you don$t see what
happens after the credits roll.
Tragedy leads to inspiration: that$s what !$ve always believed. !t$s the tragedies and the problems
rippling from them that built me into the man ! am today. ithout tragedy ! would have never
obtained any form of success.
Tragedy# pain# sorrow: it lies in all of us# unpreventable and lingering. ithout a way to come to
terms with it# we$re all forced to bear it in our hearts. 3ow can we really cope0 3ow can ! cope
while "nowing the girl ! was committed and promised to for so many years is see"ing pleasure in
other men0 .he en%oys it& ! dread it4
3uman nature is a cruel thing. 3ow much of it is really natural though0 Endless numbers feel no
guilt in wishing the worst upon the world. They remain giving the best they have "nowing it$s not
good enough. They wor" toward being their best and only self to find no reward. ith in%ustice li"e
this# it$s no wonder they become so self-destructive. Their cries for help go ignored as they
drastically ta"e measures out of spite from violent and angry discharges of emotion# or the feelings
of disconnection and detachment from reality. hat$s usually left is a blac" hole void of happiness
and self-worth.
Time and time again# !$ve gained and lost. !$ve faced and accepted my own death. ! was a messed
up child who grew up in the wrong way. ith an abusive father# myself being socially aw"ward#
getting beaten up at school& how did ! ever stand a chance0
! dreamt about becoming an actor# because those were the figures being pushed in our face by
maga+ines# television# and cinemas.
! became determined and motivated by the thought of revenge. ! wanted to ma"e every scumbag
that ever put me down# beat me up# and told me that ! couldn$t do it in their place. ! wanted to prove
them wrong because ! "new that no matter what they amounted to# stardom# fame# and fortune was
the only greatest way to prove that ! was somebody who was worth something.
!$ve been here before# !$ve been here more than once. A fraction of my pride# glory# ego# and self-
worth sift bac" into place& the strongest opponents to my minds current occupants.
! "now that if ! get up and continue fighting# ! will only find a demise in this hole again. 'oo"ing
bac" on myself# ! reali+e that every time ! have climbed out of the hole& ! reemerge stronger# more
determined# and more successful than !$ve ever been. 1erhaps this curse is my greatest blessing. !
am doomed to return to this hole until it molds me into the best ! can be# each and every time
ma"ing further strides to success.
! embrace my feelings of pain# because without them ! wouldn$t strive to become something
more. ! wouldn$t strive to become my best self and win life$s greatest pri+e: the opportunity to give
the world my greatest and final valediction.


I
Emotions are reason enough.
- (eil .trauss# 5ules )f The Game
Chapter 1
Playing The Part
The camera flashed as ! struc" my pose in the blac" leather chair. The photographer# 6atrina#
instructed me to shift my weight to the left. ! smiled# doing as she as"ed. A few more shots and that
was a wrap. ! rela,ed my body after the shoot was over.
After unmounting her camera# 6atrina approached me. 7!-d li"e to go over some details about
which pictures to select#8 she said# offering her input# 7these would be perfect for your close-ups
and these full body shots !-m about to show you give off a real authentic loo".8
79ou$re right# good taste#8 ! said# nodding in agreement.
79our pictures will be with my colleague at the headshot booth#8 she informed me.
! left the set to where the ma"e-up artists had made their establish. 5andy :hartrand was doing a
young model$s hair and ma"e-up. 7
9ou-re luc"y you "now48 ! notified the young model.
7hy$s that08 she as"ed challengingly.
7The unrepresented aren$t commonly dealt with by professionals such as 5andy#8 ! smir"ed.
7*inally somebody appreciates what !-m doing here48 5andy replied with amusement.
;3ow-s it going# 5andy08 ! as"ed with a smile.
5andy :hartrand# he was the man responsible for sending me forth with the most talented group
of aspiring# young actors# models# musicians# and dancers. 3e was scouting across the country
loo"ing for talent. 3is team told me ! had the spar" they were loo"ing for# that ! had an edge in the
entertainment industry. 2eing a film actor had always been a dream and life goal for myself. 2eing
invited to a convention to perform for world-renowned casting directors and producers seemed to
have been the first promising opportunity ! had.
5andy had finished styling the model before she strutted to her shoot.
;9ou come here4 ! want to do something with your hair#; 5andy demanded me.
As well as being a talent scout# 5andy was also a professional hair and ma"e-up artist. 3e had
previously been responsible for applying the face of several famous stars and events in the past such
as Madonna and ayne Gret+"y-s wedding.
7'ucas# !-d li"e you to ta"e some e,tra time with this one. ! thin" he could be the success story
we want#8 5andy e,plained to 'ucas# the hairdresser# before wal"ing off to deal with more an,ious
models.
;hat-s your name0; 'ucas as"ed# grabbing a clipboard of names from the table.
7Jordan Gardiner#8 ! replied as he had begun loo"ing through his list.
;!s this you0; 'ucas as"ed while pointing to a name that read $Jordan *ordyce.$
7(o#8 ! replied simply# ;!-m Jordan Gardiner. .ee0 5ight there#; as ! pointed to the correct name.
7Than" you#8 said 'ucas as he gestured me to the chair.
5andy was betting it all on me. 3e thought that out of the masses he auditioned# ! would have
the best chance of succeeding.
73e gets it48 5andy said# raising his voice to 'ucas as he continued with my hair# 79ou hand a
commercial script to any fifteen-year-old and it-s %ust a piece of paper to them# but Jordan gets it4
3e adds personality to the paper# he brings it to life4 3e-s sometimes <uiet# so you don-t e,pect it#
and then when you put him on the spot# 2))M# he hits you in the face4 )ut of nowhere# hes$
captured your interest48
'ucas finished with my hair and showed me in a mirror. 7hat do you thin"# .uperstar08 he
as"ed with confidence. My hair had a lot of volume and loo"ed very stylish.
7! loo" li"e one of the models#8 ! smiled.
7That-s e,actly the point#8 'ucas smiled bac".
After having my hair and ma"e-up done# it was time for my first audition. ! wal"ed out of the
auditorium lobby and traveled down several escalators to the bottom floor of the .haw :onference
:entre of which the event was ta"ing place.
! traveled from (elson# 2ritish :olumbia to Edmonton# Alberta to try my luc" with the attractive
opportunity.
The event had a total of four segments of auditions: acting# singing# modeling# and dance. ! was
participating in acting and dance. 5andy was particularly fond of me for my acting demonstration.
3e immediately put me through to the dance audition at the slight mention of my ability.
!n the remaining time# ! waited in front of the audition room as ! read my script aloud. ! was
selling toothpaste# cheeseburgers# clothing# and M1= players.
73ey# you-ve got that down#8 an Asian male with the number# >?>@ complimented# ;The agents
are going to love you.8
7Than"s# !$ve been tac"ling this for three days straight now48 ! e,claimed.
! was an,ious and wanted to ensure that ! had my lines practised to perfection. ! wasn$t simply
invited to come ta"e my chance at stardom. !t was a si,-hundred-ninety-five dollar fee to register
for the event# and then ! had to dish out the e,tra fees for travel# accommodation# and stylist
charges. ! paid a lot of money to be there# and you only got one shot. ! wasn-t going to leave
Edmonton without a contract.
7!$m 'ee#8 the stranger informed me while holding up his hand.
7Jordan Gardiner# pleasure to meet you. !$m sure the agents are going to li"e you too. 9ou got a
clear voice.8
7! don-t "now# but !-ll be rooting for you#8 'ee laughed before continuing on with his business.
'ee had long blac" hair# and piercing dar" eyes. !t appeared his motive for being there wasn$t for
e,posure or discovery. !t bewildered me for someone to have so much opportunity surrounding
them and not be interested in it.
.ecurity entered the pro,imity and unloc"ed the doors to the audition room# letting the amassing
group enter into the room.
! prepared to recite two commercials from memory in front of a camera# to directors# and talent
agents.
This was the "ind of chance ! dreamed about since ! was twelve years of age. !t started with the
small image in my head of pretending to be someone else in front of a camera. ith one thought !
had as a child# it had become a curiosity. :uriosity turned into a fascination# fascination turned into
a dream.
5ows of chairs and a %udge panel stood before a stage. A video camera from the audience
established an image onto a television set parallel from the camera# followed by a white A laying
beside the television.
hen everyone was seated# the acting agents began to give instructions to the participating
actors. ;ill males between the ages fourteen and seventeen please line up to this side of the
room0; a man on the panel politely as"ed while pointing to the left wall. ! stood up with the other
participants and lined up along the wall. After the man could see that everyone was in order he
continued with his instructions. ;)"ay# one at a time we are going to have you wal" up on stage and
stand on the white A. 9ou must stand there because that is where the camera is recording and you
will appear on the TB beside you. Ma"e sure you follow our instructions because we do choose you
based on your ability to follow simple instructions as well as your acting. The other day we had a
girl who couldn$t find the A and it too" us about five minutes to actually get her to stand where we
wanted#; the agent let off a short chuc"le# ;now !-m not singling anyone out# but yes# she did have a
particular hair colour;
Everyone in the room let off chuc"les after the agent$s remar".
;ell# let-s begin4; the agent clapped while ta"ing his seat.
As ! waited in line# ! observed the people that appeared before me. 'oo"ing for their mista"es to
ma"e sure ! did not do the same. To my surprise# nearly everyone that recited their script had
forgotten one or two lines and were unmista"ably nervous.
'ee had appeared before the audience and began his script# 7A whopper isn$t %ust a burger# it$s the
fresh tomato and...uh line0 )h yeah4 *resh tomato and lettuce grilled to perfection and um# um# shit#
never mind.8
'ee wal"ed off the stage without finishing his script.
!t was my turn.
! wal"ed in front of the camera and the audience confidently. ! smiled as much as possible#
because if %oy could sell the product# what would0 ! delivered the lines from memory with near
perfection# ;As" yourself# do ! want it or do ! need it0 Then loo" at the price tag and thin"# does it
matter0 al" into inners and find brand names and designer clothing for up to twenty to eighty
percent less than regular department stores. inners# where desire and practicality meet# so when
you need high <uality clothing and affordable prices# thin" inners4;
! was certain !-d gained the attention of these representatives# but would find out thereafter.
! too" a seat beside 'ee and patted him on the shoulder. 7hat went wrong# man08 ! as"ed.
7! %ust forgot my lines& it$s all good#8 he laughed.
79ou don$t seem that concerned. !f that was me# ! would be beating myself up right now#8 ! told
him.
7My parents %ust recommended that ! go to this event. They said it would be cool if ! got on a
maga+ine or commercial or something. They paid my upfront fee for me so ! basically %ust came to
meet people.8
'ee had a lot of interesting ideas about society and socialism. *rom the outside# he appeared
normali+ed and formal# mas"ing an eccentric# out-going roc"star attitude.
The day had approached evening. ! wal"ed out into the main auditorium that was enormous in
si+e. !t felt as if ! were wal"ing through an indoor stadium with a runway stage through the center.
! had finished my acting audition# but the opportunity wasn$t over for me yet. ! had one audition
left and this time my play of words wasn$t the game& it was in the field of dance and movement. !
felt li"e ! didn$t deserve the benefit of doubt for being a good dancer# ! had very little e,perience
and everything ! "new about dance came from watching people on a video blogging website "nown
as 9ouTube.
! found a seat in the auditorium and watched a seminar on how the industry operated. A well-
groomed# middle-aged man wal"ed out onto the stage and introduced himself as 2ob 'u"e. 3e
informed his audience that he was there representing /isney. 2ob 'u"e tal"ed about a film he was
involved in called 7Enchanted8 that was about a princess in the cartoon world that somehow ended
up into our human world in (ew 9or" :ity. e could e,pect it sometime ne,t year.
2ob 'u"e spo"e about how it was crucial to get good grades if you were a young actor. 7hen
you$re cast in a production# you miss a lot of school and students tend to fail or have their grades
drop dramatically because we pull them out for long periods of time. e do li"e to choose students
with better grades because we don$t want to put their education at ris"#8 he e,plained then carried
on to the process of landing an agent and what to watch out for# 7if you spea" with an agent and
they demand any fee$s upfront# be very s"eptical. Most agents that ta"e you on will get paid when
you do# they ta"e a percentage of your earnings for the %obs they get you.8
2ob 'u"e spo"e for an hour. ! had a valuable understanding of the way the industry wor"ed after
listening and absorbing his words and "nowledge. 3e started ta"ing some <uestions and ! had a
<uestion that had been itching the bac" of my head for <uite some time. 3e finally selected my hand
and ! stood up to address him# 7!f we don$t happen to find wor" at this convention# what advice can
you give us to pursue a career in this industry on our own08
2ob 'u"e stood on stage for a few moments thin"ing about the <uestion# 7That is a good
<uestion. 9ou can$t do it on your own# not in this industry. !t$s usually not about what you "now# it$s
about who you "now. 9our success goes about as far as your connections. hat number are you08
7C??C#8 ! replied.
2ob 'u"e turned to another area of the stage and continued ta"ing <uestions. Every participant at
the event was given a number so producers# directors# and agents had something to "eep trac" of us
with. 2efore 2ob 'u"e had left the stage# he introduced another middle-aged man# Michael 6at+.
Michael told his story about when he was a young# aspiring actor. 3e landed a pretty good agent
and was going to a large number of auditions for movies and television shows ali"e. There came
one audition where a director had chosen from hundreds of people and narrowed his decision down
to two young men. The role for the film re<uired the character to be bald so Michael and his
competition both shaved their heads. The end result was that Michael didn$t get the role and he was
crushed. 3is agent noticed how down Michael was and told him not to worry and that the other guy
was going nowhere. That other guy was named Tom :ruise.
The seminar came to an end and my mind was anew with stories and "nowledge about the
industry. ! too" in and soa"ed up every word that was spo"en during the seminar. ! truly believed
that it was my calling and future career# but destiny may have had other plans for me first.
There was so much going on at the event that ! had nearly forgotten to eat. ! left the auditorium
to find 'ee leaning up against the wall. ! approached him# e,plained that ! was going to grab some
pi++a and invited him to %oin me. 'ee was <uic" to say yes as it seemed he had nothing to do.
7! can$t wait for the big dance tonight#8 'ee announced as we headed toward the pi++a stand.
7! can$t either# dance and mingle with all the models# it should be fun#8 ! replied while mentally
drooling.
7My girlfriend would not be happy if she "new how many models were around here#8 'ee
laughed.
7!$m girlfriend-free. !$m a free-spirit tonight48
7'uc"y#8 'ee concluded.
7!$d have considered you the luc"y one. !$ve never had a girlfriend in my entire life#8 ! admitted#
7but ! have a feeling everything is going to change for me this wee"end.8
7!t probably will for a lot of people# we can wal" bac" into that auditorium and sit amongst the
crowd# any one of those people could be well on their way to famous by tomorrow. !t could even be
you48 'ee e,claimed.
7!t better be me48 ! said over-confidently# 7! wor"ed way too hard and spent far too much money
to let it go any other way.8
As time had progressed# it was nearly time for the dance segment of the auditions and ! had
dismissed myself from my new friend.
7!$ll be watching you from the audience48 'ee shouted after me.
;!$ll do a bac"flip in your honor4; ! shouted bac".
The center of the auditorium had models strutting up and down the runway# stri"ing seductive
poses. Across from the runway was a stand where the panel of %udges were located. They had their
noteboo"s open# occasionally %otting down some scribbles on certain models.
! was becoming more self-conscious than ever# "nowing that ! would be upon that runway in
front of thousands of critical eyes. Earlier# ! had found an area to practice a few bac" flips when a
beautiful model in her twenties approached me. .he complimented my dancing ability and carried a
conversation with me. ! wasn$t used to that# usually being alienated by good-loo"ing girls in high
school. ! was a teenager# not very attractive# and usually got e,tremely nervous around beautiful
women. 2ut now ! spo"e with crystal clear confidence# and felt my loo"s were an advantage. ! was
a completely different person. )ver night it appeared ! had done a full one-eighty. ! loo"ed
hansome# ! spo"e with purpose# and ! had talent to put to the test. ! was playing the part ! was meant
to.
! told the model a little bit about myself and how ! learned what ! could do. The model had
e,plained to me that she$d never seen anything li"e it and would ma"e sure she watched my
audition. .he gave me a glowing confidence for what ! was about to do.
The last of the models had wal"ed down the runway and the M: announced that the dance
segment of the auditions were about to ta"e place.7ill all participating dancers proceed behind
stage and be ready to audition.;
This is it. 3ere we go.
! got up from my seat# wal"ed behind the curtains# and began stretching to warm myself up. !
began sha"ing and couldn$t get a grip on myself# ! had never danced for anyone in my life and ! had
to perform in front of thousands of people. ! didn$t "now if ! was capable of performing for such a
massive audience in something ! didn$t believe ! was good at. !t was too late to bac" out and !
forced myself to let go of my second thoughts. 79ou$re going to be proud of yourself no matter what
way this audition goes#8 ! whispered to myself silently and closed my eyes to regain my composure.
! placed myself on the staircase that inverted to the runway platform# listening to the first
performance on stage. The song came to an end and the first dancer came bac"stage bursting with
energy. 3e high-fived other participating dancers as he came off the platform in victory because he
"new he nailed it. The M: called C??D to perform. The ne,t dancer came forward and disappeared
through the curtains.
7ait a minute4 ere you the guy doing bac" flips earlier08 a girl with long red hair dressed in a
leotard as"ed.
71robably#8 ! responded# 7! didn-t see anyone else doing bac" flips.8
7)h my god# that$s awesome4 hats your name08
7Jordan# yours0
75achel#8 she replied enthusiastically# 7are you o"ay08
7Just a little nervous#8 ! replied. ! guess she could tell ! had stage fright from my heavy breathing
and not being able to sit still.
.he seemed li"e a fun# outgoing "ind of girl& the type you could really be yourself around. .he
encouraged me and made me feel li"e ! could really pull through the audition. .he was to perform
right after me and she started to emphasi+e that she was getting nervous too. .he still "ept a positive
notion despite her fear and ! admired her for that.
;(ow we have participant C??= performing. Good luc"4; announced the M: on stage. My
number was going to be called ne,t.
7Jordan# ! have a really good idea4 ant to hear it08 5achel as"ed with hopefulness.
7Alright# let-s hear it#8 ! nodded.
79ou and ! should perform together. 5ight now4 e could %ust freestyle it and dance off each
other.8
7As much as ! would love to# it-s literally a last minute thing. )ur first practice run would be the
real deal#8 ! said regretfully.
7e could totally pull it off48 5achel pushed.
! hardly felt comfortable stepping up on a stage alone# and to perform with an e,perienced
dancer and loo" li"e a fool should ! fail# ! was capable enough to loo" li"e a fool on my own. hat
better way to do it than have the stage all to myself.
2efore ! "new it# they called participant C??C. ! wal"ed onto the platform and heard 5achel
whisper good luc" to me as ! got ready to wal" out from the curtains.
71erformer C??C is going to show us some brea"dancing. Good luc" C??C#8 the M: said as he
cued the music.
! stepped out onto the runaway to view thousands of analytical eyes on me.
Chapter 2
Let A Star Be Just A Star And A Girl Just A Dream
! threw myself into the air with a bac" flip and dove into a spinning maneuver upon landing. !
%umped furiously out of my spin and into a single-armed# hand-stand before twisting my legs into a
cool shape. ! was flipping and spinning through the air perfectly with the rhythm of the music.
The rest came naturally. ! let go of the routine ! had created and merely let my body flow into
whatever felt right. ! was overwhelmed with sense of accomplishment.
!t didn$t feel as if ! was dancing# but an un"nown force called instinct too" over my body. !t was
aware of the %udges facial e,pressions# the disposition of the audience# ta"ing care of me by ma"ing
my movements lucid and of the best possible <uality.
!t even made me enter a move that ! never successfully accomplished in my life. !t was called a
DEE?# when you spin in a handstand position on one hand& a spinning one-handed hand-stand if you
may. There was never even a moment of doubt. ! "new ! could not fail. And ! pushed all my
momentum forward and pivoted on my one hand three times before landing the move.
! gasped and could not believe the first time ! successfully accomplished that move was in front
of two-thousand people. ! stopped and stood in the middle of the stage for a moment to stare out
into the endless sea of people. ! remember being overwhelmed with a sense of glory. ! never felt
such a rush in my life. !t wasn$t a rush of adrenaline or fear# it was li"e you were e,periencing a
whole new world for the first time. ! was at peace with myself and had been surrounded by a sense
of ama+ement. ! could not believe that ! not only escaped my fear of failing# but ! had done
something much greater then ! ever imagined ! would. ! felt important for the first time.
*rom my lac" of e,perience# ! was lead to believe that ! was would never e,cel at something !
wanted to be. ! never thought that ! would ever have a chance of meeting the standards of great
people because ! did not meet my own. ! wanted and e,pected myself to be nothing but the best. !
made it my goal to wor" towards perfection.
2ac" home# ! had friends who had put me down for wanting to accomplish big things in my life.
They told me that there would always be someone better than me so it was unless to try and do
anything meaningful. ! was faced with the urge to prove them wrong and that motivated me to "eep
wor"ing until my body could not longer ta"e it.
! used to do laps around my neighbourhood# not slowing down until ! literally began spitting up
blood. ! used to attempt dance moves continuously until my body was covered in cuts# bruises# and
until my muscles would sei+e up# being sore for days. ! pushed myself past the pain and e,haustion
because only those who can fight past all the obstacles can truly become something more.
My lac" of confidence in myself seem to be unimportant now. 1erhaps all ! needed to do was
believe in myself.
! fell bac" into reality and continued to do what ! was meant to on that glamourous stage. ! threw
myself into another spin and %umped forward into front hand spring. As the music neared its end# !
%umped bac"ward into a final bac"flip# this time landing on my chest in a rela,ed position.
.creams# shouts# and clapping echoed through the auditorium for me.
! lifted myself from the stage# wal"ed to the end# and presented myself with a glorious bow and
win" to the %udges before disappearing behind the curtains.
7(eed an aspirin08 5achel as"ed as she came running up the steps to congratulate me.
7!$m good. ! did it# ! actually did it#8 ! stated in disbelief.
The e,ertion too" a lot out of me and ! gave every reserve of energy ! had. ! attempted to prevent
the di++iness from overcoming me# grabbing onto the railing so ! didn$t fall over.
! had no doubt impressed the agents# directors# and producers. ! even swore !$d seen one of their
%aws drop open during my performance. ! couldn$t help but notice that 2ob 'u"e and Michael 6at+
were upon the %udge stand& that would prove to be interesting.
7ell everyone# it loo"s li"e we all got served48 the M: %o"ed# 7so now we have participant
C??> %oining us with her hip hop. Good luc" C??>.8
7Good luc"# 5achel#8 ! smiled.
79ou were ama+ing48 she whispered as she ran up the steps and vanished through the curtain.
After my breath returned to me# ! relocated myself bac" to the audience to view 5achel$s
performance. 5achel was on stage doing robotic hip-hop movements and then bust out into several
bac" hand springs. !t was evident she was e<ual parts gymnast and hip hop dancer.
! had been wearing a vibrant green T-shirt which made me easy to pic" out in a crowd. A few
people in my pro,imity turned to loo" at me.79eah# that$s the brea" dancer.8 ! heard an individual
say a couple rows bac". ! leaned bac" into my chair comfortably and soa"ed up the attention.
! noticed the director from /isney# 2ob 'u"e# appear distracted as he was panning through the
audience rather than observing 5achel$s performance. 2ob 'u"e continued loo"ing through the
audience until it seemed as if he were glaring at me. !s he ma"ing eye-contact with me0 ! thin" he
is. 3e got up from his seat# came down from the stand# and started a casual wal" in my direction.
)h# this must be something good# ! thought as he stood before me.
;ere you the young man performing %ust before her0; he as"ed while pointing to 5achel on
stage.
79es# that was me#; ! replied in bewilderment as to what warrented the e,change.
;ill you meet me here tomorrow morning at F:?? a.m0 !$m putting together a show with a
uni<ue group of people specifically chosen by me#; 2ob 'u"e said# 7!$m setting up a showcase with
the participants ! li"ed the most.8
! was desired by the most sought-after representative at the event. ! was getting well recogni+ed
and that was my chance to get out there and let people see what ! could really do.
79es# !$ll definitely come meet you48 ! replied eagerly.
;Alright# perfect. :ome spea" with me after the auditions are over. Than" you#8 he said
appreciatively and returned to his seat on the %udge stand to observe the remaining performances.
The remaining dancers moved with precision and grace. .ome dancers appeared to maneuver
with such purpose and e,perience that ! didn$t understand how my reception was held on a higher
pedestal than they. There was so much talent there# so much ability# so many dreams waiting for
their chance to spar"le and shine. (o one else possessed the ability to brea" dance# ! figured that
was what made me stand out. ! was the only one to represent my genre of dance.
hen it came time for the vocal talent# artists with beautiful voices sang and e,erted their
emotion into every song. 9ou could tell that these performers felt ever word that came out of their
mouth.
)ne girl stuc" out more then the rest with her captivating voice. .he had short brown hair and
wore an attractive red dress which e,posed her shoulders and bac". !mpressively# she was a young
girl thirteen years of age who could hit notes as high as :hristina Aguilera. 2y the audience
reaction# she was favorite among the event. G li"e me.
A few more vocalists hit the stage and that concluded the showcase.
7That$s the remainder of our participants. Good %ob to everyone who performed today# we
en%oyed your performances#8 the M: spo"e# 7if we could have everyone ma"e their way out of the
main auditorium so we can set up for the dance. The dance starts at H:?? p.m and we$d love to see
you there. e also have our brunch and callbac"s starting at E:?? a.m tomorrow morning.
Goodnight everyone48
hen the crowd started to disperse# ! went to loo" for 2ob 'u"e and noticed the thirteen year old
vocalist digging through her purse on one of the seats. ! decided to compliment her on the ama+ing
voice.
73ey# good %ob up there. here$d you learn to sing08
7)h# than" you48 she replied# raising her head# 7%ust on my own.8
7That$s ama+ing. ! don$t "now anyone that can sing <uite li"e you.8
79eah# !$m not sure how ! do it. ! %ust open my mouth and out comes sound48 she giggled.
! laughed at her remar". 7!$m Jordan# by the way.8
7!$m 6ristina#8 she smiled.
A hand appeared on my shoulder and ! spun around to find 2ob 'u"e standing behind me.
72rea"dancer# ! see you$ve found =?@@ for me#8 he stated. G ! found it "ind of vague that 2ob 'u"e
called us by our numbers rather then learning our names. 2ob began ma"ing 6ristina the same offer
he had made me not so long ago.
7!$ll do it#8 she told him with e,citement.
7Great#8 2ob said# 7the show is over so if you$ll both come with me ! can e,plain to you what
we$re going to be doing tomorrow.;
2ob led us in front of the stand as do+ens more %oined us. ! recogni+ed everyone in the select
group because they were all on the stage within the last few hours.
7Than" you all for choosing to participant in my show#8 2ob 'u"e told everyone# 7!$m putting
this e,tended showcase together to show off the best of the talented. !$ve seen what you can do and !
have something specific in mind for you all. ! want the singers and the dancers to separate into two
groups.; e had spread out into the separate groups and 2ob continued# 7e$re going to create the
story of a young girl. .he is nerdy and wants to fit in with the popular group. .ingers# you will be
the nerdy group and dancers# you will be the popular group. The ob%ective of the dancers is to try to
show the young girl how to be cool. .he$s not going to succeed but instead propose that there
doesn$t need to be a line seperating popular from nerdy. The $cool$ dancers and the $nerdy$ singers
are going to %oin forces to bring song and dance together. /oes everyone understand the story08
The ma%ority of singers and dancers either said yes aloud or shoo" their head to confirm 2ob$s
<uestion.
7Good# !$ve selected participant =?@@ to be our young nerdy girl. 9ou$ve got the lead.8
7)h my god#8 6ristina said aloud covering her mouth with her hands# 7seriously08
79es#8 2ob smiled. 7(ow that everyone has a general idea of what$s going on you$re free to go#
e,cept for =?@@# ! need a little e,tra time for you.8
! left the auditorium to %oin the masses that collected in the outer room. ! located 'ee and we
decided to use our free time to interact before the arranged celebration. 'ee and ! mingled with the
crowd and it brought me to an interesting observation. Everyone was here for a similar cause: to be
noticed# be discovered and to hopefully accomplish something with their talent. hen you bring so
many people together supporting a similar cause# it feels li"e a family.
A group of participants formed within minutes and peers began performing# not for the
recognition of industry representatives# but for the recognition of each other. e formed a circle and
everyone too" turns performing in the center of the room. hether it was their ability to sing# to
dance# or to act# everyone did their part. )ther dancers# singers# models# and actors with funny and
positive personalities were there doing what they did best. ! eventually %umped on top of a table in
the middle of room and did a hand stand on the edge. Even the M: too" an interest in what was
going on and began beat bo,ing me a rhythm while ! showed off. A couple Asian girls nic"named
me Jac"ie :han for my acrobatic movements.
! was en%oying myself. !t hardly felt li"e any time had passed until the doors to the auditorium re-
opened. *lashing colours ignited out of the room as the music started. The mass entered the
auditorium with energy# giving the place some life. ! never seen a more positive and outgoing crowd
come together in my entire life.
Many of the models %umped onto the runway and began doing wal"s and poses above the dance
floor. 'ee and ! watched the models for a few minutes and then 'ee urged me to get on the dance
floor with him.
! wal"ed into the middle and began tossing together some moves. !t didn$t ta"e long until a
dense group formed around me. ! was receiving compliments left and right and a few girls decided
to sandwich me as ! was dancing. 'ee happened to have met 5achel and he was grinding against
her.
73ey# Jordan4 .he said ! was a really good grinder48 'ee announced pointing in front of him with
a big smile on his face. ! laughed.
/uring the dance# it seemed li"e ! was literally being handed women. ! lost count of how many
beautiful models were rubbing against me and ! was loving it.
! had never felt complete enlightenment before# but that was it. ! felt more proud and happy with
myself then ! ever had. Just when ! thought everything was perfect# it got better.
! had noticed one very specific girl who vastly stood out of the crowd. .he was all by herself#
moving her hips in a gentle rhythm. .he had beautiful brown eyes# brown hair that complimented
those eyes# a glowing smile and notably white teeth. ! continuously glanced at her# drawn in by her
beauty. .he loo"ed li"e she was radiating %ust as much energy that ! felt ! had.
7.hould ! ma"e a move on this girl08 ! as"ed 'ee.
;Go for it4; he encouraged# ;she-s really pretty.;
ith all the outstanding success !$ve had tonight# how could ! not have the courage to go tal" to
her# ! fathomed to myself. ! hesitated for a moment and then willingly approached her.
;3ey# ! thin" you$re absolutely gorgeous4 /o you want to dance0; ! said loudly over the music.
.he smiled her gorgeous smile and as"ed# 75eally08 with surprise.
79es#; ! replied instantly.
3er smile secretly whispered flattery to me.
7.ure4 3old on though# ! need to go tal" to a friend and !$ll be right bac".8 she e,claimed.
A few minutes went by and then another few minutes. ! began feeling discouraged. .he isn$t
interested and made an e,cuse to get away# ! rationali+ed. ! smiled with a dominant thought#
however# !$m en%oying myself far too much to let this discourage me.8
! saw 6ristina and began ma"ing my way through the mass to her.
Ine,pectedly# the gorgeous girl ! had as"ed to dance intercepted me.
;3ey# !$m bac". /o you want to dance now0; she as"ed in hopefulness.
;9es#; ! smiled.
.he wrapped her arms around me as we began moving bac" and forth inside the crowd. .he then
put her head down on my shoulder after ten minutes and it seemed she had become really
comfortable in my embrace. ! led her away from the dance floor to a more isolated spot so ! could
tal" to her.
;hat-s your name0; ! as"ed
;Jordan#; she replied# ;yours0;
! was in complete and utter disbelief. This ama+ing girl had the same name as me.
;Jordan#; ! replied.
;9eah# what-s yours0; she as"ed again# not reali+ing that ! had answered her <uestion.
;Jordan#; ! said again and laughed# ;my name is Jordan too.;
7(o way4 3ow old are you08
7!$m fifteen# yourself0
7!$m fourteen# but my birthday is less than J wee"s away.8
Jordan *ordyce wanted to go get a drin" and we continued learning about each other as we
wal"ed %ust outside of the auditorium. e grabbed some styrofoam cups and filled them with water#
watching the air bubbles float to the top of the %ug.
7.o that$s the really cute guy who as"ed you to dance#8 a vivid blonde said from behind us.
7'eah48 *ordyce scolded as her face turned bright red.
! guessed she was the friend Jordan went to tal" to before she came to dance with me.
7This is my friend# 'eah#8 *ordyce introduced.
7.o did you "iss her yet08 'eah as"ed# directing the <uestion towards me.
7(one of your business#8 ! said smoothly# smir"ing at the idea.
73ey# shes li"e my sister. ! have to loo" out for her#8 'eah said playfully as she hugged my
female counterpart.
Jordan and 'eah had an over the top girl chat with heightened voices and girly giggles. ! leaned
against the table sipping on my water while observing in astonishment.
7/o you want to come sit down08 *ordyce as"ed# e,tending her hand to me.
e found ourselves some blac" leather chairs at the far end of the room and comfortably laid
bac" into them.
7.o what did you audition for08 *ordyce as"ed me# 8other then dancing# ! saw you brea" dancing
and you$re really good48
! too" the compliment and told her# 7! also auditioned for acting. ! did a commercial this
morning.8
75eally0 3ow did you do08
7! thin" ! did pretty good. !$ll see if ! get any call bac"s tomorrow. hat did you two do08
7! was %ust in modeling. 'eah too#8 *ordyce replied.
79ou should do your commercial for us#8 'eah insisted.
79eah# ! want to see how good you are#8 *ordyce added.
! was a little shy at first# but she had tal"ed me into it. After ! recited my lines to her she gave me
a simple nod and said# ;!$d buy it.;
*or the ne,t hour we tal"ed about our goals and our reasons for being there. ! told her how ! was
an aspiring young actor trying to ma"e it in the film industry and she told me about how she
dreamed of being a model.
Time flew by and ! lost myself in conversation with Jordan and 'eah. Eventually they as"ed for
my contact information. e couldn$t find anything to write on so we had all e,changed and wrote
our information on the bac" of our numbered tags.
7ell# ! want to go bac" in and dance now. !$ll leave you two alone#8 said 'eah before leaving
for the auditorium. Jordan got up from her seat# sat down in my lap# put her arm around my nec"#
and raised her legs over mine.
! felt a passionate fire within Jordan *ordyce$s demeanor li"e a metropolitan twilight teaming
with life and activity.
7Even 'eah li"es you. That$s saying something#8 Jordan complimented.
7There$s a lot ! can say about you.8
7'i"e what0
79ou$re gorgeous# beautiful# sweet.8
7'uring08 Jordan as"ed as her face moved closer to mine.
7Bery8
7Am ! enchanting08
79es.8
7Good.8
7ould you li"e to "iss me08 ! as"ed# our faces so close ! could whisper to her.
7Maybe#8 she replied under her breath.
7'ets find out#8 ! said as ! pressed my lips against hers in an instant.
! had completely lost any sense of time as a heart-warming shoc" fluttered through my chest.
The night was nearing DD:?? p.m. and ! had remembered that ! needed to get up for >:?? a.m to
get bac" and ready for the /isney director. ! felt saddened that ! had to leave for the opportunity
when all ! wanted to do was stay with the girl. e ended the night with a serious lip-loc" and ! told
her to loo" for me tomorrow.
'ittle did ! "now# falling in love with this girl would change my destiny forever.
The Backflip
! stood in the middle of the field# contemplated the maneuver# then %umped up as high as possible
throwing my weight bac"ward. ! landed in the soil with my chest ma"ing a thud.
! gasped for air as it felt li"e someone had punched me in the gut. ! regained my breath# stood up
again# and attempted the bac" flip once more.
Thud
My chest smac"ed into the ground again and "noc"ed the air out of me.
ithout giving myself a chance to feel discouraged# ! tossed myself into the air again& faster that
time. ! stuc" my arms out to shield my chest. (o loud thud# instead a shoc" rippled up my arms. !
had landed on my palms and "nees.
! didn$t have enough time to beat gravity to the chase. ! loo"ed around trying to figure out how to
pull off the stunt. Inable to thin" of a way# ! went home scraped up and bruised. The ne,t morning !
returned to the field ma"ing continuous attempts to accomplish the impressive maneuver.
! pushed past the pain with my determination stemming from motivation. The ability wasn$t
going to escape me regardless of the physical pain it forced me to endure.
! observed my surrounding once more and drew my attention toward a stone wall at the outs"irts
of the field. !f ! didn$t have enough time to ma"e a full rotation before ! hit the ground# than surely
%umping from a higher place would give me the time ! sought after.
! climbed upon the wall# feeling a small sense of danger. 2ut ! wasn$t going to gain anything
without ris"ing something. ! turned my bac" to the eight foot drop and leaned bac"ward off the
ledge. Adrenaline poured through me and ! spun my body in the mid air# completed a full rotation#
but in that moment# ! lost control. ! rotated too far. A massive thud erupted from my body as !
landed on my bac" sending a shudder through my spine.
! slowly wal"ed home bent forward# holding my bac" in defeat. !n the morning my bac" was still
sore but manageable. ! returned to the field# climbed upon the stone wall and continued %umping off
of it. Three days of calculating# twea"ing# and ad%usting# ! landed my first bac" flip. ! tried it again.
! landed my second bac" flip# then my third# fourth# tenth. ! repeated the se<uence until it was
branded into my memory. Then ! played with it# ! gave it a twist# ! closed my eyes and spread my
arms %umping bac"ward flipping at the last possible moment.
The ability was mine. ! had earned it.
Chapter 3
An Unfinished Goodbye
My alarm cloc" erupted with that infamous bu++ing noise. ! grunted as ! rolled over and pressed
7.noo+e8 on the cloc". !$m %ust going to rest my eyes for five more minutes# ! thought to myself as !
started drifting bac" to sleep. (o4 Got to wa"e up# big day4 ! grunted as ! lifted myself out of bed. !t
was brutal mustering up the energy after so few hours of rest.
! too" a <uic" shower# brushed my teeth# put on my most flattering clothes and headed out to the
cab. As ! converged with the downtown core# the streets were almost completely empty. !t was so
peaceful compared to the previous day where my cab driver had to fight through traffic to get me to
my destination.
2y >:?? a.m# ! reached the conference centre# travelled down the many escalators and wal"ed
into the lobby outside the main auditorium. ! noticed 5achel sleeping on one of the couches Jordan
*ordyce and ! were sitting on previously# ! figured she spent the night there. ! wal"ed over to
5andy$s establish to find he hadn$t arrived yet. ! loo"ed up at a notice on the wall that read: $2e here
at >:?? sharp. /on$t be late4$ signed 5andy. ! stood there waiting for about J? minutes before 5andy
and his team arrived. They wal"ed in carrying duffel bags and began emptying ma"e up and hair
products onto their wor" stations.
7Jordan# you were here before five weren$t you. Good boy# ! li"e people who listen.8
*unny coming from a man who was %ust late.
'ucas had me sit down in his chair while consulting 5andy on what he should do this time.
7Today we$re going for a more natural loo"#8 5andy notified his team.
After my hair and ma"eup was done# the place seemed to get a bit livelier with people.
! wal"ed to the doors of the main auditorium and e,plained to the security guard that 2ob 'u"e
re<uested me. 3e unloc"ed the door for me and let me in. ! spotted 2ob 'u"e already spea"ing to a
few performers. 2ob as"ed me to wait till the rest of the dancers arrived. hen we had all arrived#
2ob got straight to wor".
7Alright# listen up everyone# we have %ust two hours before we open the doors. Everyone needs
to be in place and "now what to do by then. .ingers come with me bac"stage.; 3alf the group
disappeared behind the curtains and we dancers sat down# sociali+ing until we were re<uired.
ob !u"e addressing his select group.
3undreds of tables were being placed throughout the auditorium. ! felt the nerves "ic"ing in
again and "new those tables would soon be filled with people watching me. ! didn$t mind too much#
! only wanted to impress one set of eyes after last night.
Anthony came and sat down among us# he was an athletic man who had helped 5andy during the
preliminary audition process. 3e had a small resemblence to :hanning Tatum. ! met him when
5andy first came to my hometown to audition me. Anthony "new pop$n$loc" and 2ob as"ed him
help out in the show.
7! should$ve slept an e,tra hour before coming here# he never does anything with the dancers till
at least F:??48 Anthony claimed.
75eally# ! could$ve used some e,tra sleep#8 ! replied# resting my head on the table.
5achel came over to greet everyone and saw me# 73ey# you were chosen as well08 she as"ed me
in awe. !t turned out 2ob as"ed her to dance in the show alongside me. !t seemed we would get to
perform together after all.
After F:?? a.m# the director called a specific three dancers to the stage. Anthony# 5achel# and
myself. 2ob gave us very <uic" and precise instructions with one practice run.
7)ur singer# 6ristina#8 2ob 'u"e began# 7will be dancing in the middle of the stage here and
when she trips over this stool#8 2ob gestured to the stool in the middle of the stage# 7that$s when !
want the three of you to come out on stage and dance in the bac"ground. hen she finishes her
song !$m going to play your individual audition trac"s you provided from your previous
performance. hen your song comes up that$s when ! want you to step forward individually and do
a solo in front of 6ristina. E,cept for you#8 2ob finished as he pointed to me# 79ou$re going to
come in towards the end of Anthony$s audio trac". !$m going to give you a cue and that$s when !
want you to do one of those flips.8
2ob and ! stood on stage for a few minutes discussing what he wanted me to do on stage
specifically# and where he would sit in the audience so ! could "now where to loo" for my cue.
Alright# lets do it once48 2ob insisted.
e ran through the number a single time and 2ob let us go while he moved onto his ne,t set.
2ob <uic"ly finished with his last set of performers and the show was to begin in a half hour.
7Alright everyone# gather in around me#8 2ob shouted as we formed a semi-circle to him. ! could
tell he was getting ready to give a pep tal". 75eady or not# you$re all performers4 9ou are here to put
on a show and should always be ready to wor" under pressure. !f you are chosen to wor" with any
company represented here this will be one of the first things you learn.8
2ob instructed one of the security guards to open the doors and let people in as he too" a seat.
All performers including myself stepped behind the curtains and awaited for the show to begin. The
auditorium started flooding with people and they had begun to occupy the tables. hen the area had
become congested# the M: of the event presented himself on stage and tal"ed about how we were
chosen to be in the performance.
7)ver the past two days of auditions we noticed some remar"able talent4 Many of you will be
contacted and many of you will receive %obs. !# unfortunately# have to say many of you will not.
This doesn-t mean that we didn-t li"e you or that you weren-t good enough. !t %ust means that you
arn$t what we are loo"ing for at this time. ! encourage you all to "eep wor"ing at your art and
continue to pursue your dreams. e had some outstanding performers that we auditioned and would
li"e to present them to you once more. En%oy the show48 the M: finished.
The lights dimmed and the show began. The first set placed themselves on stage and started
singing in a gentle rhythm. After a moment they %umped into some pop music and began %umping
around the stage to get the audience going.
Every set did an outstanding %ob with their uni<ue talent as great rounds of applause reverberated
through the auditorium.
About eight sets in# 6ristina stepped out from the curtains and unleashed her vocals to the
audience. .he began singing about how she needed to be popular and began tripping over her own
feet and intentionally made her voice crac" as she was directed to act nerdy and clumsy.
(ow it was we# the dancers# time to step up. The three of us stepped out from the curtains#
Anthony$s hip hop remi, came into play and he moved center stage# too" 6ristina$s hand and
motioned her to copy him. 6ristina mimic"ed Anthony$s moves in a sloppy and off balance style.
! occasionally loo"ed through the countless eyes staring towards the stage in hope of finding the
girl ! shared so much intimacy with the previous night. Infortunately# ! couldn$t spend too much
time searching for her when ! had to "eep my focus. ! concentrated on ma"ing a flawless
performance since the people ! was performing for had doubled since the last time ! stood on the
stage.
2ob 'u"e cued me from the audience. ! ran to the end of the stage building momentum and let
myself fly into a soaring bac"flip. 5achel %umped in after me and showed off her moves. )ur dance
number came to a finish with roaring applause.
After the performance# the agent interviews were ne,t in line for the event. This was possibly the
most enticing part of the convention. This was when we got to find out if we would be offered
employment from an agency or "now if an agent wants to ta"e us on.
The call-bac"s were finally posted and ! went to view them# my eyes searching in anticipation
for my number to be listed on the board. .ure enough# ! had two call bac"s: one for 2ob 'u"e
.tudios based in Manhatten# (ew 9or" and one for :arolyn Acting Agencies based in Toronto#
)ntario.
! eagerly went to meet with those who had interest in my abilities. ! entered a largely congested
room that was outlined with rectangular tables. Each table represented a company. ! got into the line
up for 2ob 'u"e and waited for a one on one interview with him.
After a short period of time# ! loo"ed over to the line up parallel to mine. 5ight across from me
was Jordan *ordyce. .he loo"ed over# made eye contact# and formed a glowing smile.
7There you are#8 ! said happily# stepping out of my line for a moment.
73ey# ! saw you on stage earlier# you were so good48 she said e,citedly as she gave me a tight
hug.
! than"ed her appreciatively and as"ed if she had received any call bac"s. .he hadn$t received
any. The agents told her she was too short# didn$t have the right measurements# but had
complimented her vivid white teeth and told her that with some improvement she could be %ust the
model they were loo"ing for. .he seemed to have ta"en the feedbac" <uite negatively.
7They have no idea what they$re tal"ing about#8 ! told her# 7they$re passing up the best model that
could ever ta"e part in their agency. 'oo" at you# you$re absolutely stunning.8
The smile she had from hearing those words were memorable. ! had never seen a girl loo" more
attractive than when she was smiling# it was even more true in her case.
;! have to meet with 2ob 'u"e#; ! told her# ;and then an agent from :arolyn Acting Agencies. As
soon as !$m done# meet me in the lobby0 e$ll hang out.;
;9es# !$d love that4 And let me "now how your meetings go.;
After our short discussion# ! too" a seat in front of 2ob 'u"e$s table. 2ob 'u"e finally learned
my name and too" a loo" at the headshots and acting resume ! presented to him. 3e started giving
me instructions instead of interviewing me.
2ob 'u"e made it clear that he wasn$t interested in my acting ability but only in my dancing.
This was a little disappointing due to the fact that dance was a secondary goal for me# however# !
wasn$t about to be pic"y. Even a moment in the industry would be sufficient for me.
/isney is an American based company in the Inited .tates. ! lived in :anada and they would not
allow :anadians to wor" in the states without prior and notable e,perience. 2ob 'u"e "new this#
and had given me his email and personal cell phone number# telling me that when ! ac<uired enough
e,perience in my own country to wor" in the Inited .tates# ! can contact him and we can tal" about
a %ob offering.
Then ! went to :arolyn Acting Agencies from Toronto. An agent named :atherine with blac"
hair and thic" rimmed glasses told me that ! stood out while doing my commercial. .he sat there
loo"ing me up and down while chewing on the end of her pen. .he further told me that she li"ed the
highs and lows in my voice and that ! had a uni<ue loo". 3owever# it turned out her company
wanted me to move to Toronto to be signed to their agency. Another downfall for me as ! was only
fifteen and my parents would not be willing to move to Toronto. .he was going to show other
agents my headshots to see if anyone was willing to represent me for taped auditions to send out to
other cities# but ! shouldn$t hold my breath.
!t seemed to be for nothing that ! had come to the city of Edmonton# spending over a thousand of
my savings to ta"e my chances with the industry. ! felt even more discouraged as a young African-
American shot up from his seat in a nearby line and shouted out to the public in glory# 7! %ust got
signed to .ony 5ecords48
!t wasn$t all a waste though# ! immensely en%oyed my time during the event and met an ama+ing
girl who appeared to be my female counterpart& a girl who even shared the same name as !. al"ing
away with a new found confidence in my ability wasn$t something to underestimate either.
After the call bac"s# ! spo"e to 5achel. !t turned out she had been offered a role in an upcoming
/isney pro%ect called ;3annah Montana.; .he was told that it was a family program directed
towards children. 5achel didn$t want to be a part of a children-s show but later regretted it as it
turned out to be a big hit.
! found Jordan *ordyce in the lobby waiting for me.
;3ey# how$d it go0; *ordyce as"ed.
;!t was an unfortunate turn out. They wanted to offer me opportunities but they re<uire things
that ! can$t offer.;
79ou$re "idding me# right0 9ou were practically famous at this event and you got nothing08 she
stated in shoc".
7.eems so#8 ! said in a discouraged tone.
7Awe# don$t worry# Jordan. ! "now talent when ! see it and ! "now you$ll be famous one day.8
7Than" you#8 ! smiled#8 And you have every bit of my confidence that you will be an
outstanding model some day.8
7(o# ! thin" this it for me# this was my only chance. ! begged my parents to let me come here for
this. They won$t dish out the money for it ever again. ! don$t thin" ! want to go through the
disappointment of being told !$m not good enough again either.8
! felt so sad for her. Everything she wanted to be was a model and here are the people able to
grant that to her. !nstead of doing so# they tell her she isn$t good enough. 2ut ! suppose that$s how
the industry wor"ed& you have to become what others want you to be in order to get somewhere. e
want perfect# you$re not perfect# too bad# ne,t4
*ordyce and ! made our way up the escalators# wal"ed across the main auditorium and emerged
into the frosty atmosphere G it got very cold that far north in )ctober. G e stood on a huge
concrete balcony that ran along the south perimeter of the structure. e had a great view of the city
and were alone with privacy.
e observed some s"ateboarders below us and watched one wipe out as he attempted grinding
on a rail. 3e landed flat on his ass. *ordyce and ! burst into laughter and too" a few steps bac"
because the some of the s"aters loo"ed up and noticed us laughing at them. e spent time sharing
our %o"es and laughter. !t was hard not to smile in her presence. e tal"ed about our pet peeves that
both lead us to the topic of our sisters.
7!$m so not loo"ing forward to the return trip#8 *ordyce complained# 7having to listen to my
younger sister sing along to every female song on the stereo gives me such a headache.8
7(o way#8 ! laughed# 7my sister does the e,act same thing. There$s some decent songs that !
probably would$ve li"ed# but then my sister spends hours at a time singing out to the same trac"s
over and over again. !t "ind ruins the song for you.8
7! "now48 *ordyce e,claimed with rapport. 7My sister has a terrible voice too# she can$t sing at
all.8
7e$ll enough about disli"es# what are some of the things you en%oy08 ! as"ed changing the
sub%ect.
7! love bas"etball and drin"ing#8 she laughed# 7!$m a party girl and !$m almost always out with
my friends or at bas"etball practice.8
*ordyce$s phone dinged and she pulled it out of her bac" poc"et to view the te,t message.
7! have to go soon#8 *ordyce said sadly. 7/o you live here0 2ecause my family comes here <uite
often.8
7(o# ! live in 2ritish :olumbia# in a small town called (elson.8
7Great# ! finally meet a cute guy and he lives ten-thousand miles away.8
! blushed at her remar".
7here e,actly do you live08 ! as"ed.
7Grimshaw# no one has li"e ever heard of it#8 she replied# 7you don$t seem li"e a small town boy.
9ou seem li"e a city boy.8
7ell# ! love the city. ! feel li"e ! was made for it#8 ! told her as ! began loo"ing out at all the
s"yscrapers# 7it feels so big# there$s so much to do4 Most of all# it$s the opportunities here. ! feel li"e
! can go somewhere. !n (elson# ! don$t have a whole lot going for me. ! wanted to ma"e it so bad at
this event because ! don$t ever want to go bac" to my life in 2.:.;
;:ome on4 !t can$t be that bad0 9ou$re super cute# you can brea"dance# act. 9ou must have so
much going for you in your town.;
;.ometimes ! wonder why ! feel so out of my league there. (o one would believe me if ! told
them ! had the company of a girl li"e you.;
;ell# you$re ama+ing. And we$re going to meet again. !$ll ma"e sure of it.;
! loo"ed into her eyes and they were captivating. These were perhaps the last moments ! would
ever get to loo" into her perfect brown eyes. 2ut ! found comfort in her promise to meet again. !
believed ! met the most stunning girl of my life and time with her had been cut so short. ! wanted to
"iss her and her body language invited it in every way# but my nerves got the better of me.
The awful ringing of her phone went off. *ordyce answered the phone and replied with multiple
$Ih huh$s$ and $)"ay$s$ and then hung up. 7That was my mom. My ride bac" to Grimshaw is ready#8
she said gravely.
e wal"ed bac" inside the .haw :onference :entre and began ma"ing our way across the
auditorium. Many employee$s were all over the place putting away the tables# and pac"ing up all the
e<uipment. ! hated to see everything be cleared out. !t made the fact that my incredible adventure
being over more definite.
! glanced at *ordyce and "new ! couldn$t let my nerves ta"e one last "iss from me.
73old on48 ! demanded.
.he turned to face me and ! swiftly grabbed her around the waist and "issed her passionately. .he
wrapped one arm around me and brought her hand to the bac" of my head while intertwining her
lips with mine. 3er "iss revealed all the tension that had built up while on the balcony. After a few
moments we stepped out of each others grasps.
7!-m going to miss you#8 ! said <uietly.
7/on$t worry#8 she replied in a breathless whisper. ;9ou$re not going to ma"e me fall for you and
then tell me goodbye.;
! wal"ed her to the front entrance of the building and it was silent for nearly the whole way there.
!t seemed that we were both afraid of the word goodbye slipping out of our mouth. As we reached
the front entrance# we found her mom standing %ust outside with a car. *ordyce loo"ed at her
mother# than loo"ed at me# gave me a <uic" "iss# then disappeared through the entrance without a
word. 3er eyes stayed loc"ed on mine as we stared at each other through the glass walls. .he got
into the vehicle and then she was gone.
! wal"ed to the nearest pay phone to call a cab.
Jordan #ordyce and I at the $anadian Sho%case of &odel ' Talent
Chapter 4
The Delinquents of Edmonton
2efore ! had a chance to dial in the number for a cab# a familar voice greeted me from behind.
;'ee4 3ow$s it going0; ! greeted bac".
;Good4 !$m meeting up with some friends and going to a party tonight. 9ou gotta come4;
;!$m absolutely in4;
'ee had a DEHH Toyota .upra par"ed a few bloc"s away. e raced around the city with the
windows rolled down and great tunes on the stereo. 3e would burn rubber at the intersections at
holler at cute girls on the sidewal"s. 'ee loved the new freedom his driver license and car gave him.
'ee hadn$t been driving long# he was fifteen and in Alberta you could attain a class @ driver
license at the age of fourteen. Much earlier than the age in 2ritish :olumbia that was set to si,teen.
'ee too" me to the city$s hot spots claiming he wanted to teach me how to pic" up girls. And !$ll
be damned# he was good at it. !$d never "nown the "ind of courage to wal" up to any girl and start
chatting with them before getting a phone number. 'ee opened a set of two si,teen year old girls
and we bought smoothies with them before seeing a movie at the cinema. !nstant date4
After the double date ended# 'ee got a call and e,plained we were going to meet up with his
friend# (ic". (ic" was tall# wore a white hat and had long bleached hair. 3e seemed li"e a very
friendly guy. After meeting (ic" at his residence# 'ee told (ic" that he had to go pic" his girlfriend
up from wor" and then we going to go find something fun to do if he was interested.
(ic" accepted the offer and %umped into his dar" blue Toyota Matri,. 'ee and ! got bac" into the
.upra# pulling out onto the road# with (ic" following. .uddenly 'ee slammed on his bra"es coming
to a full stop. (ic" panic"ed and slammed on his own bra"es before he rear ended us. Just then he
pulled right around 'ee and !# speeding away from us. 'ee crushed his foot to the gas to "eep up
and then (ic"$s bra"e lights flashed on and 'ee slammed on his bra"es again.
7hat the hec" is going on08 ! as"ed in bewilderment.
7This is bra"e tag#8 'ee e,plained.
7hat happens if one of you hit eachother08 ! as"ed.
7)h# the insurance company will %ust pay it out#8 he laughed.
After the game of bra"e tag# 'ee pulled out onto the highway with (ic" following again.
'ee$s phone had started to ring and he answered it. ! could ma"e out a girl$s voice on the other
end of the conversation. 'ee$s face cringed with anger and his voice became hostile.
72ut !$m already on my way...! don$t care4 Tell him !$m already coming...that$s not the fuc"ing
point# it$s the fact that he$s your e,-boyfriend...don$t fuc"ing tell me that# ! "now he wants you
bac"...oh# so !$m an unreasonably dic"0 *I:64; 'ee screamed while throwing his phone into the
door where it made a loud smac". ! observed him in silence not "nowing if it would be better to stay
silent or try to comfort him.
The engines purr grew louder and louder as 'ee$s foot slowly descended upon the gas pedal. !
loo"ed out the window to see the trees and lines on the road blurring by faster than ! ever had. !
<uic"ly glanced at the speedometer that reached one-hundred-si,ty "ilometres and then ! loo"ed
over my shoulder to see if (ic" was "eeping up but he was nowhere in sight. 'ee$s phone began
ringing again but he completely ignored it. The angry loo" on 'ee$s face remained and the vehicle
began swaying into other lanes until 'ee continuously corrected the loss of control. 3e was fifteen#
he$d only been driving for a few months# he lac"ed e,perience and ! "new this wasn$t safe.
;9ou should slow down#; ! told 'ee. This seemed to have pissed him off more as the engine
roared more loudly. The speedometer now read J?? "ph. ;.low down#; ! told 'ee again# ;slow
down.; 'ee remained ignorant to my demands. ;.low the fuc" down4; ! screamed.
'ee loo"ed at me <uic"ly li"e he$d %ust snapped out of a trance# he glanced bac" to the road and
began slowing the vehicle down. 'ee was traveling ten "ilometres below the speed limit when he
directed the car around a curve in the highway. Two police cruisers sped right by with their lights
flashing.
;3oly shit48 'ee stammered in awe. 7/ude# you$re my fuc"ing luc"y charm4 !f you didn$t ma"e
me slow down %ust now# ! would$ve lost my drivers license. *uc" that was intense4 K$m getting off
the highway.;
3e turned off at the ne,t overpass.
'ee drove to his girlfriend$s neighbourhood and par"ed in front of her house. (ic" pulled up
beside 'ee. (ic" rolled down his window to communicate. ;here the hell did you guys go0 ! was
pulling one-fifty trying to "eep up with you guys and you %ust disappeared. Then ! saw two cop cars
pull onto the highway and ! was li"e $)h shit# ! hope their not chasing you.$;
;! was going two-hundred# man# and those cops were chasing us4 ! slowed down really fast
around this curve and then li"e ten seconds later the cops flew right by us4 Their radars were
probably pic"ing me up# ! slowed down %ust in time so ! bet they thought whoever they were
chasing was way the fuc" ahead.8 Anyway# ! need to go tal" to my girlfriend. 2e right bac".;
'ee stepped out of the car and ran up to a duple,$s doorstep. A girl opened the door and stepped
onto the doorstep with 'ee. ! could hear their voices arguing but they were too distant to ma"e out
words.
The arguing was not a good sign and ! "new if 'ee returned to the car in a heated moment of
frustration he would li"ely be driving li"e a lunatic once again. ! stepped out of the car and "noc"ed
on (ic"$s window. (ic" unloc"ed the car and let me in.
;9ou don$t mind if ! drive with you do you0; ! as"ed.
;9ou can drive with me# but whats going on0; (ic" said concerned.
;:an you hear them0; ! as"ed referring to the argument between 'ee and his girlfriend.
;9eah# doesn$t sound li"e it$s going well.;
;9eah# !$d prefer not to drive with 'ee when he$s pissed off. Going two-hundred on the highway#
he seemed to have had trouble controlling the vehicle and he wouldn$t slow down. 3e "ind of
frea"ed me out.;
;)h fuc"4 9eah# you$re driving with me for the rest of the night. ! "now 'ee li"es to drive fast but
when he$s li"e that# ! "now there$s only one thing on his mind and it isn$t the road. 3e$s had a lot of
close calls from pulling shit li"e that. hat was he pissed off from0;
;*rom the sounds of his phone conversation# ! thin" it was because his girlfriend was getting a
ride home with someone named Tyler and she didn$t want to wait an e,tra thirty minutes for 'ee.;
;)h# yeah4 Tyler is her e,-boyfriend. 'ee hates him.;
;.o how often does he drive li"e a maniac0;
;All the time. 'i"e two wee"s ago he was pushing over two-hundred "ilometres per hour on the
stretch toward the airport# way too much for a car li"e that# and we all told him to ta"e it easy. 3e
wouldn$t listen. )ne of his tires got a flat and we had to throw on the spare. After that he was
pushing two-hundred again on the way home. !t was stupid4;
'ee and his girlfriend$s voices became stressed and even louder. e could ma"e them out clearly
now.
;!f you fuc"ing dare touch Tyler# ! promise you# ! will never tal" to you again#; 'ee$s girlfriend
screamed.
;*uc" you# ! "now you$re fuc"ing him behind my bac"4 3e$s driving you home almost every
night now4 9ou$re probably fuc"ing him in the bac"seat seat# you fuc"ing whore4; 'ee raged#
stomping bac" to the .upra.
'ee$s girlfriend flipped 'ee off and screamed at 'ee$s bac" before she went bac" inside
slamming the door behind her. (ic" rolled down his window again and as"ed if 'ee was o"ay. 'ee
%umped into the .upra without a word and sped out of the par"ing lot with tires screeching. A loud
thun" erupted from 'ee$s car as he clipped a truc" on his way out and sped down the street before
disappearing.
(ic" and ! pulled out into the neighbourhood streets and we drove around for a while
ambivalently until 'ee had called (ic". An e,change of words went down and (ic" e,plained that
'ee wanted us to meet him at a girl named Monica$s house# that he wasn$t going to let his girlfriend
ruin the night.
(ic" and ! pulled into high class neighbourhood home. e %umped out of the car and 'ee was
already there "noc"ing on the door. Monica answered and invited us all in. ! introduced myself to
Monica. Monica had about twenty guests inside her house and they were having <uite the party. A
bong and a few bags of weed laid on the living room coffee table and downstairs in the basement
young girls were popping pills of ecstasy.
(ic" went into a bedroom and %umped on the bed. ! turned on the light and saw a dresser lined
with picture frames containing photos of a middle aged couple. !t wasn$t hard to figure out that this
was Monica$s parent$s bedroom.
;hat are you doing0; ! as"ed in bewilderment.
;! wonder if they$re still there#; (ic" said as he reached his arm into the crac" between the bed
and the wall. (ic" pulled up a pair of pin" lacy lingerie. ;9ou$ve got to be "idding me4; (ic"
laughed and rolled over on the bed# ;They$re still here4;
;/id you sleep with Monica$s mom0; ! laughed.
;(o# Monica threw a party last wee"end and ! slept with my e,-girlfriend here. e bro"e up two
days ago. .he complained that she couldn$t find her panties after the party#; he replied with a big
grin. 3e held up her panties li"e a trophy and threw them at me.
;/irty4; ! shouted as ! duc"ed and they hit the wall. ;hat was her name0; ! as"ed with
curiosity.
;'e,i. .hit# ! got an idea48 (ic" e,claimed as he ran up stairs.
:urious to "now what he was up to# ! followed him and he had as"ed Monica if she had any
hairspray.
79eah# why08
7Just get me some. 9ou$ll see.8
Monica entered her bathroom and returned to hand (ic" the hairspray. 3e ran outside while
Monica# 'ee and ! %oined him. 3e pulled a lighter out of his poc"et and created a flame thrower.
7'ee# hold these#8 (ic" demanded while holding up 'e,i$s panties.
'ee wal"ed over and held them up in his hand. (ic" sent flames hurdling all over the lace but
couldn$t get them to ignite.
7Give them here#8 ! demanded while ta"ing the panties from 'ee and the hairspray from (ic". !
began spraying hairspray all over the panties until they were soa"ed in the flammable li<uid. 7(ow
try#8 ! encouraged.
(ic" too" the hairspray bac" from me and ! held 'e,i$s panties in the air. *ire spiraled into the
air and the lace ignited. ! dropped the panties to the ground and watched them burn into a blac"
crisp. 'ee sat there with his camera phone recording the whole thing.
7/id you get that08 (ic" as"ed 'ee.
'ee nodded and (ic" instructed 'ee to send the video to 'e,i with a message attached: ! found
your panties# here they are4 This represents our official brea" up4
(ic"# 'ee and ! chuc"led humorously.
e drove bac" to 'ee$s house. 'ee# (ic" and ! sat in 'ee$s basement as he made a phone call to a
friend. 'ee called up a friend in hope for him to %oin us that night. ;hat...you$re in :algary...you$re
on a greyhound0 hen is it arriving in Edmonton0 )"ay# we$ll pic" you up and we can cause havoc
on this town4; he laughed. ;)"ay#; 'ee e,plained after he got off the phone# ;My friend :ody says
his neighbour is being an asshole to him and he$s li"e my best friend. e$re going to pran" the shit
out of :ody$s neighbour tonight before he comes bac" to Edmonton in two hours as a homecoming
gift.;
The three of us spent nearly an hour trying to brainstorm of things to do to :ody$s neighbour.
(ic" nor 'ee could come up with any ideas. ! suggested that we could buy some silicon or a puddy
li"e substance and fill the neighbour-s door loc"s with it. !t would eventually harden and destroy the
loc"s ma"ing the owner have to replace them.
;*uc"# that$s why ! love this guy#; 'ee said to (ic"# ;what else0;
;'ee# do you have any dog shit0; (ic" as"ed.
;9eah. ! got piles of it in the bac" yard#; 'ee replied.
;ell# remember what you did to /omini<ue$s place last summer0 'ets pour a shit load of dog
shit onto :ody$s neighbour-s doorstep...;
;And light it on fire4; 'ee interrupted.
;)"ay# sounds good. 'ets do it#; ! clapped in e,citement# 7we need something else though.
Tampons48
7Tampons08 (ic" as"ed strangely.
7And "etchup#8 ! replied# 7ma"e about half a do+en tampons loo" used and splatter them onto the
house.8
'ee ran upstairs# grabbed a garbage bag and went into his bac"yard. 'ee had (ic" and ! help
him shovel roughly forty pounds of fro+en dog shit into the bag.
e agreed it would attract less attention to ta"e one vehicle. e placed the huge bag of dog shit
into the bac" of the (ic"$s Matri,. (ic" and ! sat in the front and forced 'ee to sit in the bac"
closest to the dog shit since it was his idea to use it.
(ic" started the engine and 'ee burst out of the car leaving his door wide open and ran into his
house so fast that it appeared he was trying to escape imminent danger# he had come running bac"
out with a %ar of honey and %umped bac" into the car and closed his door.
7hat$s with the honey08 ! as"ed oddly.
7To ma"e the tampons stic"y#8 he laughed.
7! guess that wor"s#8 ! replied# laughing at how dramatically he had to get the honey.
(ic" pulled out onto the street and sped out bac" onto the highway.
73ere$s :ody$s address#8 'ee said handing a ripped piece of paper to (ic".
7)"ay# ! "now where that is#8 (ic" told 'ee.
(ic" pulled off the highway and into the par"ing lot of a almart. The three of us entered the
store and grabbed some tampons# "etchup# and 'ee shoplifted some energy drin"s for good
measure.
'ee grabbed an energy drin" and stuc" it inside his %ac"et poc"et. 'ee loo"ed around for people
suspiciously and grabbed another# then a third.
7.hit# that camera %ust totally saw me %ac" those.8 'ee scoffed. ! loo"ed up and found a camera
above.
7!f we beep# ! don$t "now you guys48 (ic" %o"ed.
7!f we beep# !$m going to tell them you planted them on me48 'ee laughed.
7.o who$s going to pay for these08 (ic" as"ed while tossing the bag of tampons to me.
7!$m sure 'ee can manage to stuff them into his %ac"et#8 ! %o"ed# 7alright# !$ll buy them.8
At the till# the cashier had given me a dirty loo". Maybe it was the tampons# maybe it was the
"etchup with the tampons. The cashier %ust seemed very aw"ward about my purchase.
After heading onto the other side of the city# (ic" pulled up in a <uiet neighbourhood. There was
a house on both sides of :ody$s place.
7.o which one is it08 (ic" as"ed.
7.hit# ! never thought to as"#8 'ee replied.
After some thought we decided to go for the house on the right. 'ee and ! scouted out the
property to ma"e a tactical plan. The front windows had metal shutters which foiled our initial plans
to an e,tent.
'ee and ! climbed over a fence and scouted the bac"yard. The rear windows of the house didn$t
have shutters. LAn open target.M
'ee and ! had returned to the car and (ic" has already begun slathering "etchup and honey all
over the tampons. 3e laid them down nicely lined up along the curb outside the passenger door.
'ee and ! %umped in the bac" of the car and began assembling the "etchup and honey covered
tampons. After twenty of them had been made the three of us grabbed two each and approached the
house. .plat. 'ee tossed one at the shutters. ! wal"ed up to the front door and smothered mine on
the door "nob and left the tampons hanging off it. (ic" tossed both of his onto the roof. e had
returned to the curb and loaded up for a round two. 'ee tried to bring four tampons this time and
accidentally lost grip of one. 3e tried to catch it but ended up pushing it up against his thigh. 3e
pulled the tampon off and strings of honey pulled from his leg and globs of "etchup ran down his
%eans.
e approached the house once more and entered through the gate leading into the bac"yard.
.lap# slap4 A few pads were thrown onto the window by 'ee. ! slapped one onto the bac" door and
another onto a patio table. (ic" tossed them aimlessly at the bac" of the house.
e returned to the car once more ! grabbed two and begun wal"ing over while 'ee and (ic"
were in the midst of grabbing the theirs. ! approached the house and fro+e still on the sidewal". A
man was outside in the bac"yard of the house. ! could see his head stic"ing up above the gate. !
dropped the tampons where ! stood and began running as fast as ! could past (ic" and 'ee.
75un4 5un48 ! e,claimed.
(ic" and 'ee dropped the tampons in their hands and ran bac" to the car. ! %umped into the
passenger seat. (ic" and 'ee %umped in seconds after and (ic" sped off.
7hat happened08 (ic" as"ed in e,citement.
7A guy was outside in the bac"yard. 3e was having a smo"e.8
7/o you thin" he heard us0 e were so <uiet48 'ee rationali+ed.
7! don$t "now# but if he didn$t hear us# he would$ve sure as hell heard me running down the
street#8 ! replied.
7e still got all this dog shit. hat the hell are we going to do with that08 (ic" as"ed.
7(ic"#8 'ee said# 7go to 1rimrose Gardens. My e, lives there.8
7)h# fuc" yeah4 e$re so getting her48 (ic" grinned while he changed his route.
(ic" eventually pulled up in front of a townhouse. 'ee %umped out and grabbed the bag of dog
shit. /umped it on the door step of his e, girlfriends house and attempted to light it on fire e,cept
the dog shit was fro+en and 'ee couldn$t get it to light if his life depended on it.
7This will do# ! guess#8 'ee said sounding disappointed and then ran up to front door of the
home# dropped his pants down to his an"les and too" a big shit on the doorstep.
(ic" and ! were speechless.
e %umped bac" into the car and (ic" as"ed what we should do with the rest of the night since it
was still young.
'ee$s last shennagian of the night was driving out to his school soccer field to do donuts. 3e
drove around s"idding in circles# tearing up the field$s maintained grass. After wrec"ing the school
soccer field# 'ee drove me bac" to my accomodations. 3e was speeding and rec"lessly gunning
past stop signs.
'ee$s behavior reminded me of a Motley :rue roc"star. 3e showed me a night that ! will never
forget and for the first time in my life# ! got to "now what it felt li"e to be a total rebel.
Chapter 4
Homeoming
! spent my si,teen hour bus ride thin"ing about what it would be li"e to be successful in the film
industry. ! was so close and it only made me want it more. Then ! thought about Jordan *ordyce and
wished ! could relive the last few days with her& ! wanted to see her again and continue the ama+ing
connection we had.
!t was the crac" of dawn when ! arrived in my 2ritish :olumbian hometown. My parents never
e,pected me to go school after the bus ride and no sleep# but ! was restless coming home after such
spectacular events.
'.B. 5ogers was the name of the school and it was the home to drama <ueens# stoners# hippies#
rednec"s# goths# emo$s# gee"s# and stuc" up preps& every stereotype that could offer something
negative. G ! guess that was most schools in one way or another.
! didn$t completely fit into any of the groups the school dispersed into# although ! was a part of
each group at some point# or tried to be. ! was merely a lone soul trying to find a place among
hundreds. ! never found it and most peers decided ! was a hybrid between gee" and prep. ! was
stuc" between two opposites.
! wal"ed into the halls and sociali+ed with everyone. My peers were eager to "now if ! had made
it. !f ! was going to be successful so that they could utili+e me. ! refused to tell them what happened#
and decided it was best to let them wonder.
! was more social# more tal"ative# and most of all more confident than when ! left. ! felt so bold
in my changes that ! approached a girl named 2rittany in my school that !-d been scared to tal" to
for months. ! found her sitting alone in our shared science class. ! sat beside her before it began
session and greeted her. .he thought ! was a creep for the many failed attempts ! made at stri"ing
conversation with her. A lot of aw"ward conversations ! had with her led nowhere# but here ! was
ma"ing conversation with her li"e she was any other person.
2rittany was an attractive blonde who usually had tanned s"in from the e,otic vacations her
family went on.
73ey# how$re you08 ! as"ed nonchalantly.
7)h# um# good08 she replied surprised that ! tal"ed to her so much more confidently than ! ever
had.
;9ou weren$t in any of our classes last wee". ! heard some things. here did you go0;
;hat have you heard0;
;That you were wor"ing with models and doing something from /isney ! thin".;
;:lose enough.;
;5eally04;
;! was at a talent convention and showcase. ! auditioned my brea"dancing and acting for agents#
directors# and producers from all over the world. And pretty much got to rub shoulders and became
friends with a lot of models.;
;3oly smo"es4 /id you ma"e it0;
;! can$t say too much right now# but !$m waiting to hear from an agency in Toronto.;
3er eyes widened and she actually as"ed me to sit beside her during class while she pic"ed my
ear. !n one year of having a petty crush on her# this was the first time she didn$t act creeped out by
me.
)ver the ne,t wee"# ! did better in school# started ma"ing more friends# and had even gotten a
girlfriend. The relationship was run short. Even though we were in fact dating# ! couldn$t help
pursuing other women. .he was no more than a "issing partner.
Everything in my home life seemed to finally fall into place. There was balance# but ! still wasn$t
sincerely happy. ! e,perienced a new high at :.MT and all ! wanted was to pursue that feeling of
success again. Even though ! met many of my social goals# ! still carried a feeling of inade<uacy.
There was a great deal ! left behind in Edmonton that wasn$t ready to be finished. ! was still holding
onto the feelings ! had for Jordan *ordyce# the sense of fame# the sense of vast opportunity and it$s
limitless potential.
! didn$t believe ! was meant to live in a small# hic" town surrounded by mountains& ! was meant
to grow up in a city and be surrounded by opportunity. ! was born in .urrey# 2ritish :olumbia and
lived in the lower mainland for nearly the first decade of my life. ! was city born# city raised# but
never grew old enough to ta"e advantage of the opportunities a city life could present. 2efore !
became ten years old# my parents decided to move bac" to their hometown# (elson# 2.:.
(elson was built on the slope of a mountain and the downtown core spread across eight bloc"s
of a single street. Everyone ! ever met declared (elson the pot smo"ing capital of :anada& it was
inhabited by hippies and we had our very own local store that sold weed over the counter until it
was closed due to obvious legal reasons.
! couldn$t let go of my e,periences in Edmonton. ! had to go bac" and set things right. *ordyce
was the fuel for this fire& we tal"ed everyday# sometimes over the phone# but mostly on M.($s
instant messaging program.
.he confided in me with every detail of her life. .he told me how much bas"etball meant to her#
how it was her favorite sport# and how good she was on the high school team. .he e,plained all her
troubles to me& how she li"e me# felt bored and inade<uate without :.MT. .he vented with me and
e,plained how she didn$t "now what she$d do without me. Most of all# she e,pressed how her
feelings were growing for me.
The :anadian .howcase of Model N Talent did something to us. !t gave us a taste of how
e,citing it was to be on the verge of accomplishing great things# to be radiating with purpose and a
chance to be discovered. e desired to be surrounded by <uality people and highly-functioning
artists again.
(ovember H
th
# J??> G M.( conversation:
( $onversation history has been edited for grammar to be understood easier.
Jordan Fordyce I actually really miss you.
Jordan !ardiner I)ll come bac" to Alberta* I promise. Then I)ll ta"e you out on the perfect
date.
Jordan Fordyce +h yeah, And %hat)s your idea of the perfect date,
Jordan !ardiner I had a dream about it. -ou and I %ere %al"ing along a beach off the ocean.
The s"y %as clear and vibrant %ith stars. The %aves soothingly %ashed up to our toes. -ou stopped
to face me* your eyes %ere gla.ed %ith passion* and you "issed me lightly. I held you around the
%aist and %hispered into your ear telling you ho% perfect you %ere. +f course %e)re going to have
to compromise though* Alberta doesn)t have an ocean and very fe% beaches.
Jordan Fordyce +h my god* if you)re ma"ing me %ant to see you so bad. /eep going0
Jordan !ardiner I)ve already told you too much lol.
Jordan Fordyce Then I guess I %on)t tell you about all the dreams I)ve had %ith you. I really
have to stop tal"ing to you before bedtime. I "eep dreaming that you come up here and see me.
Jordan !ardiner: +ne of these nights it %on)t be a dream.
Jordan Fordyce I hope so. This is hard* I met the perfect guy and he li"es me bac". It should be
as easy as being together* but no* it)s not that simple.
Jordan !ardiner: 1e %ill have each other soon. -ou 2ust have to %ait for me. $an you do that,
Jordan Fordyce -eah0 Tell me about your brea" in e3to%n 4Edmonton5 though0
Jordan !ardiner 6ahaha oh man* so much to tell. 1ell* !ee and I %ent driving all over the
place one night and %e sped do%n the high%ay at 788 " an hour. 1e had cops chase us.
Jordan Fordyce 6oly0 9id you guys out run them,
Jordan !ardiner -es0 I couldn)t believe it. !ee slo%ed do%n around a curve and a moment
later t%o cops fle% right past us. 1e figure their radars pic"ed us up but they didn)t "no% %ho they
%ere chasing and thought %e %ere %ay the fuc" ahead. They never suspected the car that 2ust
managed to slo% do%n to the speed limit out of sight lol. Then after that %e %ent and got into some
more trouble lol.
Jordan Fordyce: -our very luc"y. 1hat "ind of trouble did you get into,
Jordan !ardiner These people %ere being assholes to !ee)s friend named $ody. So %e bought
a bunch of tampons and "etchup. 4The cashier gave us the dirtiest loo".5 And put "etchup and honey
on the tampons to ma"e them loo" used. Then !ee literally shoveled :8 pounds of dog shit into a
garbage bag. And %e %ent to this persons house and stuc" the tampons up on the %indo%s and
doors and all over his yard haha. In the morning %e found out it %as a cops house.
Jordan Fordyce 6oly shit* you little hell raiser. ;oor old Alberta doesn)t stand a chance
against you.
Jordan !ardiner 6aha nope0 It %as a one time thing though. 9on)t %orry* I)m not al%ays such
a hoodlum haha.
Jordan Fordyce I doubt that. -ou $ people* I tell you. I thin" its really funny though cause it
mostly sounds li"e things me and my guy friends %ould do.
Jordan !ardiner 6aha so %hy do you say Alberta doesn)t stand a chance against us, 1hats
so great about us haha.
Jordan Fordyce !ol %ell you 2ust thin" you can come up in here and terrori.e the crap outta
poor cops.
Jordan !ardiner Thats e<actly %hat I thin". =5
Jordan Fordyce !ol as long as you stic" to cops* I guess its o"ay.
Jordan !ardiner I really shouldn)t ta"e alllll the credit. It %as albertians %ho supplied the
goods and drove me all over Edmonton haha.
Jordan Fordyce !ol yeah that)s ho% %e roll. 1e)re a%esome
Jordan !ardiner 1hat I really li"e about you guys..is that all your legal ages are a year
younger than ours haha. -ou can buy li>our a year early* drive a year early* pretty much do
anything a year early.
Jordan Fordyce !ol thats because us Albertans are frea"ing a%esome. 6o% %as your night,
Jordan !ardiner #rustrating0 I need to practice my headspins but I can)t find my
headspinning hat and im flippin shit haha.
Jordan Fordyce !ol ooh my god. 9on)t have a # 4bitch fit5. -ou)ll find your hat no %orries.
Jordan !ardiner 1hen I find it I)m going to get you to "iss it or something so it)ll be my luc"y
headspinning hat.
Jordan Fordyce 6aha funny* me and good luc" usually doesn)t go in the same sentence.
Jordan !ardiner 6aha I can see %hy.
Jordan Fordyce ;sssht. %hat is that supposed to mean,
Jordan !ardiner I)ll shut up no% before I dig myself into a hole lol. Even if that %as a
compliment.
Jordan Fordyce lol it %asnt a compliment so don?t evennn try
Jordan !ardiner -es it %as* I meant that you %ould give people bad luc" %hen they)re doing
something. They)d be loo"ing at you being so pretty and then %al" into a pole or something.
Jordan Fordyce 6aha %ell that)s a really round about %ay of saying that.
Jordan !ardiner I guess I could simplify it...you "no%, #or the idiots.
Jordan Fordyce A%e no% thats 2ust uncalled for. Someones uncharacteristically catty today. So
%hat are you doing right no%,
Jordan !ardiner 1ell right no%* tal"ing to this girl. Shes a bit odd but a lot of fun.
Jordan Fordyce +oh yeah %hose this odd girl,
Jordan !ardiner 1ell I thin" you "no% her pretty %ell. 6er names Jordan.
Jordan Fordyce 9escribe me as odd. Thaaan"s. So ho%s that 2ournal thing coming along.
Jordan !ardiner 6ey0 +dd is good. I?m odd too. It)s %hat ma"es us interesting. 1hy do you
al%ays see everything as insult lol. ....1hat Journal,
Jordan Fordyce !ol I?m 2ust being stubborn to give you a hard time. +h your diary thats
pin""". @;
Jordan !ardiner 6o%)d you "no%00,0,0
Jordan Fordyce $ause I?m a%esome li"e that,
Jordan !ardiner 1ell in all honesty....it)s blac"0 And yes0 It does have some %riting about you
in it. I "no% %hat)re thin"ing lol.
Jordan Fordyce !ol I %asn)t even gonna go there but you brought it up0 Its probably li"e bla
bla bla Jordan)s a bitch.
Jordan !ardiner Ao it)s not0 Im not that mean haha. It doesn)t even say anything bad. I don)t
li"e to read my 2ournal and bring bac" all these shitty memories. It)s for the good ones.
Jordan Fordyce !ol oh %ell %hat does it even say then,
Jordan !ardiner Thats for me to "no% and for you to %onder.
Jordan Fordyce Eugh. -ou can)t do that. -ou probably don)t tell me cause it does say
something bad. I)m going to bed. 6arumph.
Jordan !ardiner 1ell if you really %ant to "no% that bad. I suppose I could ma"e you earn it.
Jordan Fordyce 1ell since your %riting all these bad things in your 2ournal about me*maybe I
don)t %ant to earn it.
Jordan !ardiner Aothing bad* I s%ear0
Jordan Fordyce !ol. Its %hat I?m going to thin".... Bnless you tell me that is.
Jordan !ardiner I "no% your tric"s lol. I)ll call you tomorro%. Tell you then "ay,
Jordan Fordyce !ol I don)t see %hy you have to %ait to tell me.
Jordan !ardiner I)m actually 2ust trying to stall for time so I can thin" of an e<cuse haha.
Jordan Fordyce -eah I figured* you)re mean. I bet you)re changing it.
Jordan !ardiner 1o%...do you really thin" I)m that evil,
Jordan Fordyce !ol theres potential. 1ell it)s %ay past my bed time and I have school in the
morning. $all me %hen you)re done school,
Jordan !ardiner Sure thing. Goodnight Jordan.
*ebruary J?
th
# J??F - M.( :onversation:
Jordan Fordyce I have a fun idea0 1ant to play Jor3trivia,
Jordan !ardiner 1hat a name0 That totally 2ust cheered me up. !ets do it0
Jordan Fordyce I cheered myself up 2ust by thin"ing it. It rolls off your tongue and into your
heart.
Jordan !ardiner So %hat)s the first >uestion,
Jordan Fordyce 1hat)s my favourite color,
Jordan !ardiner Green0
Jordan Fordyce Terrible0 &inus ten3thousand points* it)s yello%.
Jordan !ardiner 1hat)s mine,
Jordan Fordyce Green.
Jordan !ardiner -ou only "ne% cause that %as the first conclusion I 2umped to. Ae<t >uestion0
Jordan Fordyce Told you I)m a%esome. 1hat)s my favourite TC sho%,
Jordan !ardiner The +$.
Jordan Fordyce 6aha used to be* but no% %hat is it,
Jordan !ardiner 6ouse or one of those doctor sho%s.
Jordan Fordyce $lose* so minus no points. It)s Gossip Girl0
Jordan !ardiner I got a better %ay of playing this. Since it)s Jor3trivia* I should get to as"
some >uestions too. 1hat)s my favourite hobby,
Jordan Fordyce 6aha that)s the point0 Bm* %riting in your diary,
Jordan !ardiner: Journal0 Say it %ith me* 2ourrrrnnnaaalll. It)s brea"dancing.
Jordan Fordyce 1hat)s my favourite food,
Jordan !ardiner ;asta,
Jordan Fordyce $lose* spicy food* I)d also accept anything %ith chic"en.
Jordan !ardiner Good taste* %hat)s my eye color,
Jordan Fordyce That)s easy* it %as one of the first things I noticed about you. ro%n* same as
mine. 1hat color is my room,
Jordan !ardiner Ded...ish,
Jordan Fordyce +h my god* you didn)t even guess my favourite color0 -ello%0
Jordan !ardiner If I %as an animal in the %ild* %hat %ould I be,
Jordan Fordyce 6aha a %olf.
Jordan !ardiner 1hat the fuc"0
Jordan Fordyce Deally, I)m "ic"ing your ass at this0 1hat position do I play in bas"etball and
volleyball,
Jordan !ardiner +h gee.* I don)t "no% much of the technical stuff for team sports. -ou)re a
goalie0 Just "idding haha.
Jordan Fordyce Setter and guard. Everyone "no%s that. 6aha and ten points cause you made
me laugh. -our turn.
Jordan !ardiner 1hat color is my room,
Jordan Fordyce 1hite, 6aha.
Jordan !ardiner lue* %ith glo% in the dar" stars.
Jordan Fordyce I never %ould)ve guessed you had glo% in the dar" stars hahaha.
Jordan !ardiner I %as a little "id* I never too" them do%n.
*ordyce and ! tal"ed for a matter of hours every night. !t seemed we had the world of
e,periences and thoughts to share with eachother. .he was very much in love with me and my
feelings toward her were mutual.
!n time# *ordyce$s enthusiasm toward me had slowly diminished. My enthusiasm toward life and
myself had mirrored her enthusiasm. !t started when# one night# ! had logged onto my M.( and
there were no replies to any of my emails. A few nights passed and the lac" of communication with
*ordyce was beginning to gain its edge on me. ! pic"ed up the phone and tried to call her. (o
answer. A few hours later# ! called once more and left a message. Another day passed# then a wee"#
then a month. .erveral more emails and phone calls ensued to no avail.
! decided to ma"e one last and final phone call. .he pic"ed up.
March DC
th
# J??F - Telephone conversation.
Jordan Fordyce Jordan...
Jordan !ardiner 1here did I fuc" up,
Jordan Fordyce -ou didn)t.
Jordan !ardiner 1hat)s going on %ith you, Everything o"ay,
Jordan Fordyce &hm.
Jordan !ardiner I can)t tell you ho% good it feels to hear your voice again.
Jordan Fordyce $an you please stop trying to call and email me.
Jordan !ardiner Aot unless you give me an e<plaination or some sort of closure.
Jordan Fordyce Trust me* you)re better off %ithout the e<plaination.
Jordan !ardiner -ou should let me decide that.
Jordan Fordyce I)m sorry. I can)t do this. I can)t deal %ith long distance relationships. I don)t
see it %or"ing and it)s not fair for either of us to "eep falling deeper for each other %hen it)s not
going to %or".
Jordan !ardiner I don)t "no% %here all this is coming from all of a sudden. 1hat you)re
feeling is nonsense. It can %or". It %ill %or". -ou 2ust have to give it time. !ong distance
relationships do %or" %hen there)s commitment on both ends.
Jordan Fordyce I)ve been feeling this for >uite some time no%. I)m not the person you thin" I
am. -ou thin" I)m this great %onderful person but I)m not that. 1hen you really get to "no% me*
you)ll be disappointed. It)s not you* It)s all me and I)m being honest %hen I say that.
Jordan !ardiner It)s not 2ust all you though. It)s about me too. -ou inspire me0 -ou ma"e me
%ant to do great things and you)re a force in my life that pushes me to those goals even faster.
Jordan Fordyce I)m sorry0 I have to go.
Jordan !ardiner Ao* don)t leave.
Jordan Fordyce ye.
*or the following months# ! had fallen under a moderate depression. Everything that ! had going
for me disappeared. The inspiration# the motivation# the happiness# and my better self had slowly
evaporated. ! isolated myself from my friends and became an enigma drowning in my own despair.
My life and all it$s aspects were completely imbalanced and out of proportion. 2etween trying to
manage teenage hormones# a bro"en family life# a depressing love life or lac" of# and having social
an,iety come bac" with no peer approval or recognition# ! was a bro"en human being.
! fell into a hole void of self worth and happiness. ! reali+ed that my whole life had been nothing
but a let down and disappointment to myself and everyone else. There was a reason that ! had so
few friends in my life# there was reason that ! couldn$t manage to hold onto love# and there was a
reason that all my happiness stemmed from one pathetic event in my life and nothing else. ! reali+ed
that ! would never earn or ac<uire that level of happiness again so ! decided removing myself from
the world was the best course of action.
Then a second ultimatum occurred to me# anything is better than death# so why not do something
cra+y instead. A chance to ma"e things better before such a definite decision was made.
! had been more emotionally invested in *ordyce than ! had anything in my life. ! felt significant
loss and wanted to "now what ! could have possibly done wrong. ! held onto a small hope. ! hoped
that if ! went bac" to Edmonton to where it all started# came bac" into touch with 'ee and the
people that had made me my better self# maybe ! could grasp onto what ! had again. Maybe ! could
go see *ordyce and bring her feelings bac" for me. And it would all be in the name of love4
! began loo"ing for employment. ! accepted any and every %ob until ! found myself employed
with three different businesses. ! too" a demeaning %ob at AN flipping burgers. ! earned
employment at ater 1ure N .imple preparing bagged ice for shipping. My final offer for
employment was with a privately owned :leaning company that held contracts with most of the
government owned buildings in town. ! was responsible for cleaning government offices and
conference rooms.
2etween my three %obs and school ! had less than minutes to spare each day. ! buried myself in
wor" to "eep myself distracted from my depression. ! needed money to go to Alberta alone at DF
years old and ma"e the most of my trip. 2y summer ! saved up over three-thousand dollars and
bought myself a one way airplane tic"et to Edmonton.
After the fact# ! told my parents that ! would be going away for the summer. My parents felt
amused by the idea. ;(o# you$re not.; My parents told me with finality.
;!$m leaving with or without your consent.;
My father smir"ed sarcastically. ;!f you leave don$t e,pect the door to be open for you when you
come bac".;
;! won$t count on it than#; ! told him before wal"ing out of the room.
My parents never e,pected me to go. ! was still so young and had never made such a large and
independent step in my life.
hen the date of my departure came# ! scribbled a long note to my parents e,plaining my need
to leave and that ! didn$t "now when ! would be bac". !f ! was welcomed bac" or not was their
choice.
! entered the airport# went through security# and sat down at the terminal waiting patiently for my
flight to arrive.
! consistently rotated my phone in my hand contemplating the decision to call *ordyce and tell
her ! was coming. ! dialed the first three digits of *ordyce$s number then cancelled it as ! thought
about what to say to her or what words to tell her to convince her see me.
;hat am ! doing0; ! as"ed myself in doubt. ! spent so long saving up my resources to ma"e
some pathetic trip to convince a girl to be in my life once again. ho the fuc" was ! "idding0
(othing in my life had wor"ed out& why should it with this0 hy am ! even sitting here and going
against everything ! "now. !$m going against my parents# !$m going against this uneasy feeling in my
gut# why am ! doing this to myself0 !$m doing this because !$m in love# and ! thin" !$m doing
something cra+y because no one has ever made me feel so happy. My life had been filled with chaos
and disappointment# ! had to do this because ! needed to believe that their was better out there for
me.
! had always felt li"e their was something wrong with me. ! was the "id in Elementary who
wasn$t cool enough to hang out with the other "ids because my parents couldn$t buy me a cool
enough bi"e# or the latest gaming system# or the best snac"s to trade during lunch.
!n middle school# ! had bro"en out with severe rashes around my mouth due to allergies to my
cat. ! was moc"ed for years# gained the nic"name of ;3erpie boy#; and always had a few to +ero
friends.
!n high school# my life was no better# my reputation was carried on and those who did not "now
me were eventually well informed. Intil word went around of my trip to :.MT and my shot at
becoming an actor# that ! had agencies interested in me and "new models# suddenly ! had use to my
peers# people wanted to "now me. *inally# ! felt appreciated# ! felt self worth# ! felt li"e someone
who was worth "nowing.
! started to lose my worth once again which contributed to my depression after ! had lost contact
with *ordyce. ! became obsessed with trying to get it bac"# ! was happy and deserved to retain that
happiness for the long term. ! would no longer wear my glasses in public for any reason# it was
either ! wear my contacts or suffer without vision. ! needed to have a perfect comple,ion or had to
call in sic" for school# male ma"e up would sometimes substitute the perfect comple,ion. ! was
constantly worrying about my hair# ma"ing fre<uent stops to the washroom to chec" on it or pat
astray hairs down with water.
2ut the truth was# nothing was going to change the image people had of me until ! changed my
outloo" on life. 2ut ! wouldn$t learn that until ! was older.
! thought ! deserved and needed a better life than what ! had. .o ! was going to go through with
my plan and ta"e my shot at happiness no matter how high the odds were stac"ed against me.
! began dialing again and got F digits in before ! slapped my cell phone shut# then reopened it. !
dialed all the correct digits# let it ring once# then %ust about slapped it shut again but *ordyce
answered on the first ring.
73ello08
7.hit#8 ! said to myself as ! put the phone up to my ear. 7Ih# hello08
7ho is this08
7Jordan.8
7)h.8
73ey4 9ou don$t need to be li"e that48 ! snapped.
7hy did you call08
7! needed to as" you something#8 ! said wea"ly but got a hold of myself# 7the fact is# !$m going to
be in Edmonton by tomorrow morning and ! want to meet up with you. !$ll find a ride up to
Grimshaw or something. !$m %ust coming all this way and thin" it$d be worthwhile to see you while
!$m in the province.8
7)"ay# well this is weird. !$m not even going to be here. !$m going on a road trip tomorrow.8 All
my hope came crashing down. ! "new it was going to be a mista"e calling her.
7My friends and ! are going on a road trip to Edmonton tomorrow. e can meet up48
My mouth dropped open with disbelief. Two sudden %olts of shoc" left me wordless& one second
! gave up all hope and the ne,t my hope handed itself to me on a silver platter.
7!$d love to. !$m %ust at the airport right now and my flight gets here in a couple hours. 3ow about
! call you and we touch base tomorrow evening08
7.ure# !$ll give you a call when ! get into the city.8
7.ounds great# so what are you going to the city for08
7My friends and ! have been wanting to go on a small road trip for some time and we want to do
lots of shopping and party. e decided the city is the best place. e$re going to be staying at the
*antasy 'and 3otel# do you "now where that is0
79eah# ! do. 5ight inside the mall right08
79eah# we$re gonna party it up in the hotel room tomorrow night. /o you "now anyone over
eighteen who can boot for us08
79eah# shouldn$t be a problem.8
7ell ! have to go now. ! still have pac"ing to do.8
7Tal" to you tomorrow.8
76ay# bye Jordan.8
! closed the phone and couldn$t hold bac" the huge smile ! had. ! was happy yet bewildered at the
same time. *ordyce was immensely condemning with our previous conversation# and now she was
readily ma"ing plans with me. ! "new there was something that ! couldn$t <uite read between the
lines. ! intended to find out that was.
Chapter "
Bliss
My heart raced at the thought of seeing *ordyce again. ! stood on a mall escalator until it brought
me to the main floor. ! wal"ed up to the entrance of the !MAA cinema within the est Edmonton
Mall.
An adorable brunette with captive brown eyes# a glowing smile# and the body of a model spun
around to loo" at me.
;Jordan4; .he e,claimed.
;Jordan4; ! e,claimed bac" humorously and coc"ed my head. ;9ou loo" %ust as adorable as you
did the last time ! saw you.;
;9ou mean !$m not even more adorable0; *ordyce pouted playfully.
;!t$s good to see you again#; ! told her as she embraced me with her arms tightly.
;! "inda missed you#; she told me.
;9ou$re not even going to say hi to me0; 'eah as"ed appearing by *ordyce$s side.
;'eah4; ! e,claimed# giving her a hug.
hen *ordyce arrived in Edmonton she called me and let me "now of her and a friend$s plans to
go shopping in the mall and then to go see a movie. ! didn$t reali+e the friend was 'eah& it was heart
warming to see them both.
;9ou are both so cute now that you$re together again4; 'eah e,claimed.
Good# ! thought to myself. ! wasn$t the only one who "new we were good for eachother.
;.o ! guess we should grab a coffee or something and catch up0; *ordyce said.
The three of us ended up outside a coffee shop. hile sitting across from *ordyce and 'eah !
couldn$t help but bring up the <uestion that had been eluding me for so many months.
;.o catching up# why have you been ignoring me for so long0; ! as"ed *ordyce.
*ordyce seemed to have been ta"en by surprise. .he stared at me blan"ly. ;! didn$t thin" you
were going to as" me that so soon#; she admitted# ;!$ll tell you later# o"ay0; Aw"ward silence
followed until 'eah bro"e the tension.
;.o what have you been doing since :.MT# Jordan0;
;Just ta"ing life day by day# you "now#; ! said without deterring my attention from *ordyce.
*ordyce made eye contact with me# we loo"ed into each others eyes for a long moment and
butterflies rushed through my gut. .he was ga+ing into me with an ashamed loo" in her eyes.
*ordyce blin"ed and turned her head away li"e she had %ust reali+ed she was staring.
;Ih# do you guy$s want to go shopping0; 'eah as"ed.
The three of us shopped around clothing stores. The girls dragged me to half a do+en places and
had me give them my opinions as they tried their things on. *ordyce came out of the change room
in a stunning red dress.
;hat do you thin"# Jordan0; she as"ed.
;Bictoria .ecret$s got nothing on you#; ! blurted out nearly letting my mouth drop open. *ordyce
blushed and stepped bac" inside the changing room to try on more clothing. 'eah came out wearing
a shiny long hanging spar"ly shirt and tight %eans that fit perfectly around her ass.
;Jordan0; .he as"ed waiting for my opinion.
;.uits you <uite well. 2uy it#; ! told her.
*ordyce bought a pair of brown high heeled boots and a couple pairs of %eans. 'eah bought only
the things ! li"ed.
e went to go see a movie and ! was sitting in between *ordyce and 'eah. *ordyce$s hand was
on the arm rest and ! was contemplating putting my hand on hers. ! didn$t "now whether she was
still attracted to me. ! wondered why ! was even hanging out with her. .he had disappeared from
my life for months and now we were hanging out acting li"e nothing happened. ! wasn$t sure of
anything.
! made continuous glances at *ordyce. The only thing that ran through my mind was how
beautiful she was. ! stood up in the middle of the movie to head to the washroom. ! needed a
moment to thin" to myself but ! heard *ordyce tell 'eah to wait where she was. *ordyce followed
me out of the theater.
;3ey#; she said. ! turned around and greeted her bac". ;here are you going0;
;ashroom#; ! replied.
;/o you have a minute to tal"0; she as"ed. 3er eyes were hopeful. *ordyce and ! wal"ed down
the hallway until we were alone. ;'oo"#; she said# ;! "now !$ve been "ind of a bitch to you. !$m
sorry for that# ! really am. ! was falling in love with you and you lived so far away. ! was scared and
! didn$t thin" ! would ever see you again. ! wanted to get over you and ! wanted you to let me# so !
acted li"e a bitch. ! feel so bad for it and ! wish ! could ta"e it bac" because here you are now. !$m
going to...;
! cut her off by planting a "iss on her mouth. ! had wanted to do that again for so long. .he
"issed me bac" aggressively.
All that time# ! thought that ! wasn$t good enough for her. ! thought that ! did something wrong
and pushed her away somehow# but she was in %ust as much discontent as !.
*ordyce raised her hands up to my face and pulled me in closer. 'ip gloss smeared over my lips
as she "issed me. !t wasn$t until five minutes later she pulled bac" and reali+ed 'eah was probably
waiting for us.
! wal"ed bac" into the theatre overwhelmed and wiped away any lip gloss that may have still
been on my mouth. e duc"ed into the row toward 'eah again# finding her with her arms crossed.
;Too" you two long enough4; 'eah hissed# ;hat were you guys doing# having se,0;
*ordyce giggled and ! smiled to myself. *ordyce placed her hand around my arm loo"ing at me
attentively.
The movie ended and 'eah followed behind *ordyce and ! li"e a lost dog. ! felt bad for 'eah as
she had %ust become a third wheel.
! noticed 'eah$s attitude shift# she became very ve,atious with fre<uent interruptions and trying
to steer all conversation toward her. .he persistently gave *ordyce dirty loo"s and loo"s of
disapproval toward me.
*ordyce invited me bac" to the hotel her and 'eah were staying at. !t was convenient for her to
be staying at the hotel within the mall. .hopping# theatres# and recreation was all within a brief
wal". .he didn$t have to the leave the building for anything.
e wal"ed to the hotel area of the mall and too" an elevator up to the H
th
floor. *ordyce inserted
the "ey card into the door across the hall and we entered the room. *ordyce set her things down in
the bedroom and came bac" out into the "itchen. .he placed a bottle of vod"a onto the counter and
challenged me to a drin"ing contest.
;'et$s see who can drin" the most. ! bet ! can drin" you under the table.;
;)h ! thin" not#; ! remar"ed# ;what do ! get if ! out drin" you0
;hat do you want0;
;!$ll "eep it simple: a "iss.;
;!$ thin" that can arranged. !f ! win you have to read all the Twilight boo"s and tell me Edward
isn$t dreamy.;
;(ow that$s cruel#; ! laughed.
7Twilight is the best boo" ever# you have to give it a chance#8 *ordyce defended.
7)nly if you out drin" me48
*ordyce placed three shot glasses on the counter. *ordyce# 'eah# and ! began to repeatedly pour
li<uor down our throats. ! couldn$t help but notice that 'eah wasn$t tal"ing much and that she loo"ed
slightly pissed.
7Are you o"ay08 ! as"ed concerningly.
79eah. Just give me another shot#8 she replied trying to mas" an underlying emotion.
*ordyce pic"ed up on it too and pulled her into the bedroom for a private girl tal". *ordyce came
bac" out of the room after five minutes.
7hat$s wrong08
7! don$t "now. .he won$t tell me. .he$s been "ind of weird since the movie.8
;! thought so too.;
*ordyce and ! continued ta"ing shots consecutively# getting too drun" too fast. e started
e,changing our $first time drun"$ stories. e "ept laughing really hard at each others humorous
circumstances.
;)"ay *ordyce# you$re never going to believe mine. 2ut here it is. ! was acting in my first theater
production called The Miracle or"er. ! was playing the famous 3ellen 6eller$s brother. Anyway#
after three nights of the production# we had a cast party.
Throughout the production# ! had this huge# silly crush on a grade twelve girl named Jessie
Greer. !$d never let her "now it. 2ut when ! arrived at the cast party# a girl named Miranda had
prepared Te<uila .unrises for everbody. ! had only two drin"s and was in a whole new world4 !
remember going outside and wobbling all over the place thin"ing# $This is awesome4 ! never want
this to end.$ ! went bac" inside and saw Jessie Greer# and ! felt a courage ! never did in my entire
life. ithout holding bac"# ! charged right toward her and put my arm around her.. ;3ey Jessie4; !
said# ;! want to tell you a secret. ! li"e you. ! always have4 And ! thin" we should hang out
sometime4 Just you and !4; slurring li"e no tomorrow.
Jessie replied sympathetically# ;.orry# we %ust wouldn$t ma"e a good drun" couple.;
That$s what ! remember. The story everyone told me after was that ! charged over to her while
she was having a serious tal" with her boyfriend. ! pushed him out of the way# threw my arm around
her# and as"ed her out right in front of him. 3e was ready to hit me# but everyone else prevented
him from doing so.
2ut the story doesn$t end there# there was a peer named Geordi :amposa at the party. !t was his
first time drun" too. ! %ust handled it way better than he did. Everyone moved out into the bac"yard#
en%oying the fresh night air. And Geordi comes stumbling over to Jessie Greer. $Jessie#; he says#
$you$re ama+ing4 Give me a hug.$ Jessie gives him a hug# and after the embrace she screams at the
top of her lungs. (aturally# we all draw our attention to her. And Geordi has his pec"er hanging out
of his pants# and he had pressed it against Jessie during the hung.
Geordi is in a world of his own now# and starts ripping all his clothes off until he$s butt-na"ed.
And get this# he wants to hug more people. Everyone rushes inside loc"ing the door. Then someone
runs across the house to loc" the front door that Geordi is already at. Than" god# we$re safe4 rong.
Everyone is en%oying the party and we all forget about Geordi. .uddenly# we hear all this ruc"us
from the bathroom. ! open the bathroom door and Geordi is falling inside the bathroom with screen
window and silicon lining wrapped around his leg. 3e busted through the window and only god
"nows how. Geordi hit his head on the tile floor and seems out of it as he$s laying on the floor. Then
he reaches down and starts playing with penis. 3e really starts to get into it# playing with the tip and
%er"ing it li"e a champion. 3e really didn$t have a clue that the door was open and two do+en people
were watching horrified.
2ottom line# he pu"ed# we threw him in a cab# and still couldn$t get rid of him because he "ept
%umping out of the cab and running bac" to the house. e gave him more alcohol and he was finally
incoherent enough to sit in a cab long enough to get rid of him.
That was my first drun" e,perience.;
*ordyce$s mouth was hanging open. ! wasn$t sure what she tthought until she started howling at
the top of her lungs.
;!...can....barely.....breathe4; *ordyce managed to say between her laughter. .he finaally managed
to catch her breathe. ;hat was wrong with that "id0;
;3ell if ! "now. 3ow he wal"s around the school with pride still is beyond me.;
*ordyce started hyperventilating with laughter again. ;3ow...does....he...have pride0;
;!t$s your turn to tell me about your first drun" e,perience# *ordyce.;
;)h my god# ! don$t want to. :an ! please not0;
;ell# when you "eep ma"ing it sound %uicy.;
;*uc".;
;.tart tal"ing.;
;)"ay# this was four months ago. ! was at a house party too# and people gave me vod"a. ! got
really drun" and started about about you and :.MT. 3ow you were so ama+ing and romantic and
how ! missed you. End of story. .hut up4;
3er little admittance speech meant a lot to me. 2ut ! played it cool. ;Gosh# you$re such an
amateur4; ! teased.
;9ou$re the boy who is about to read a series of boo"s about spar"ly vampires4 3a4;
! too" three more shots.
;That$s three more for you# *ordyce. Inless you want to give up.;
;(ot a chance4;
*ordyce too" five shots and said ! had two more to catch up.
7! can$t do this anymore4 9ou$re relentless48 ! e,claimed.
7.o you$re going to read the Twilight .aga08 *ordyce grinned.
! nodded very slightly wondering if ! should really forfeit# but ! was feeling strange in the way
that into,ication did.
79eah# you win. 'ets go for a wal"48
;.ure# %ust let me have one more shot to rub it in#; *ordyce said# smiling before she tilted her
head bac".
;hy don$t you give me the run down on what Twilight is all about so ! don$t have to waste my
precious time reading it.;
*ordyce merely laughed at me.
;!$ll buy you the first boo" tomorrow to get you started4;
;Great#; ! smiled sarcastically.
*ordyce put her new boots on and we wal"ed through the mall until we came in an indoor
s"ating rin".
79ou want to do it08 *ordyce as"ed me.
7.ure#8 ! replied. ! hadn$t been s"ating in a long time and ! thought their was something romantic
about going s"ating on a date.
e paid the admission# rented out some s"ates # and ! reali+ed how bad of an idea it was as soon
as ! got onto the ice. 2eing into,icated# ! couldn$t stop falling. hen ! wasn$t falling# ! was
wobbling all over the place.
*ordyce$s face turned so intensely red with how hard she was laughing. .he was flying around
the rin" with so much drun"en energy and doing circles around me. !t was li"e not a single shot of
vod"a had effected her. ! couldn$t understand. .he did another pass around me and then fell flat on
her chest with her arms spread out in front of her. .he rolled over laughing# ! started laughing too as
some dignity returned to me. ! found some stability and fell over again as ! tried to help her up.
;This was such a bad idea#; ! laughed loudly.
;)h my god# why did ! suggest it0; *ordyce started laughing louder than ! was.
After the s"ating# we dropped into a store called .pencer$s and started teasing eachother about
the dirty toys we could buy eachother. .pencers was a store that held everything a minor shouldn$t
have: posters of nude women# dildos# se, guides# corsettes# mari%uana merchandise.
;*ordyce# if ! bought you this hot corsette and stoc"ings# would you wear it0;
;.ure. !$ll wear it4 !f you get to see me in it is another story.;
;Ts" ts" on your behalf.;
*ordyce gave me her cute little pout again. !t was always the playful pout that got me. !t was
worse than the sad puppy dog face. 3er playful pout said# ;!$m sorry# but not really. 2ecause ! "now
you adore me.;
e headed bac" to the hotel room. 'eah was curled up into a ball# passed out on the couch# with
the vod"a bottle still in her hand. !t was empty.
*ordyce and ! loo"ed at eachother with a concerned loo". hen we got closer to her# ! could tell
'eah had been crying& strea"s of blac" ma"e-up ran beneath her eyes. *ordyce shoo" 'eah and she
started whining. Eventually# she stated that she wanted to be left alone in hardly understandable
mumbles.
7!$ve never seen her li"e this. !$ll find out what$s wrong in the morning#8 *ordyce told me.
7!$m worried about her too. 3as she been going through stuff bac" home08
7!$m not sure. 9ou$re sleeping here right08 *ordyce as"ed with a hopeful loo".
! simply shot her the biggest grin and she pulled me into the bedroom. ! sat down on the end of
the bed. .he flic"ed off the light and crawled under the blan"et. ! followed her underneath and !
stared into her eyes across the pillow top.
7hat$s going through your head right now08 ! whispered gently.
7! can$t even begin to tell you#8 she whispered bac"# 7but# ! can show you.8
7.how me#8 ! demanded.
*ordyce leaned in toward me and brought her lips centimetres away from mine.
79ou have no idea how ! feel about you. 9ou have no idea what !$ve emotionally gone through
because of you#8 she e,asperated.
7!$ve been feeling so lost with what was happening between us#; ! whispered to her# ;the whole
reason ! came to Alberta# the whole reason !$m here# right now# is because of you. ! had to fi, things.
! needed you and ! needed this. Today was so perfect.8
7God# why do ! have to be so complicated. !$m sorry for putting you through that. !$ve never
"nown anyone so deep and open as you. 9ou are so ama+ing# Jordan. !$m sorry if ! made you feel
otherwise.;
*ordyce "issed me passionately and she pulled away every few minutes to loo" deeply into my
eyes. *ordyce$s brown eyes were filled with so much depth# ! could stare into them forever and
eventually get lost unable to find my way bac" to reality. .he was in love with me# her eyes couldn$t
have communicated it any better# and ! was in love with her. (o words and no actions could
describe the emotion# the connection# the lust# the build up# the lucidity and clarity of how perfect
and right that felt.
*ordyce$s hand found it$s way to my nec" and she pulled me toward her while she pressed
another "iss to my mouth. This "iss was different than others# ! could read the way she "issed me# !
could feel what she felt by the need and passion in which she moved her lips and tongue. .he had a
different "iss for varied levels of emotion. This "iss lightly whispered se,ual hints toward me. !t
was in her eyes# her "iss# her movements# her body language.
*ordyce placed her leg around my side and threw her arm tightly around my bac". 2efore ! "new
it# things had gotten passionately out of control. 3er shirt was off and she was pushing her bare
chest against my bare chest. e caressed eachother for an hour but neither of us were ready for se,.
e both agreed to do this relationship thing the right way# paced# steady# and wor"ing up to that
special act with the right person. .he drifted to sleep on my chest. .he appeared so peaceful in her
sleep# ! brushed her hair over the side of her face while feeling the rhythmic thump of her heart beat
on me.
###
! dreamed of *ordyce and ! sitting in the sand on a beach. The s"ies were clear and full of stars.
The moon$s reflection shimmered across the water. e were tal"ing. ! couldn$t remember what we
were tal"ing about but ! remember that it had something to do with us being together. *ordyce said
something hurtful to me and she ran toward a beautiful cabin on the line that separated sand from
grass. There was another man waiting at the cabin for her. *ordyce ran into his arms and "issed him#
then they went inside the cabin where ! couldn$t see them anymore. The s"y clouded over# it got
cold# and it got windy with violent waves crashing onto the shore. ! loo"ed down and there was a
nice a "nife in my chest. 2lood was tric"ling down my body and the restless sea swallowed me up
as ! died.
! felt my dream was trying to reveal a point or a lesson to me.
! wo"e up to giggles and laughing in the "itchen. ! loo"ed across the pillow top to find the
absence of *ordyce.
! yawned as ! pulled myself out of the bed and wal"ed up to the doorway. ! heard my name
before 'eah and a girl !$d never seen before both reali+ed ! was there. They became <uiet li"e they
had been guilty of getting caught doing something wrong.
;here$s *ordyce0; ! as"ed aw"wardly.
;.he went to get brea"fast for everyone#; replied 'eah.
;ho$s this0; ! as"ed nodding toward her red-headed friend.
;This is Alison#; 'eah informed me. Alison loo"ed li"e she was half prep G half goth. 7! have to
tal" to you#8 'eah blurted out aw"wardly
7/o you08
79eah#8 she replied as she sat down on the couch and patted the seat beside her indicating that
she wanted me to sit.
7/id you fuc" Jordan last night0; 'eah as"ed.
;!$m going to go for a smo"e#; Alison stated# not wanting to be present for what was about to
ta"e place. .he opened the balcony door and shut it behind her.
;E,cuse me0; ! said defensively.
;9ou need to stop doing whatever you$re doing with Jordan.8
7E,plain to me what the fuc" you$re tal"ing about it48
7Jordan doesn$t really li"e you. ell# she does# but shes not sure about you.8
7hy are you ma"ing up this bullshit08 ! scoffed# hurt and confused.
7!$m not ma"ing it up. ! care about you. ! don$t want you to get hurt#8 'eah answered as she
placed her hand over mine.
7Tell me where she is right now48 ! stammered as ! pulled my hand away from hers.
.he lunged herself forward at me and managed to brush her lips against mine before ! pulled
bac".
72itch48 ! shouted.
7!$m sorry48 she shouted bac" and then she fell bac" onto the couch. Tears began falling from her
eyes# 7! love you.8
My heart s"ipped a large beat. ! suddenly reali+ed what was going on. 'eah was acting out of
%ealously.
7hat gives you the right to lie to me and tell me that *ordyce doesn$t care about me08 ! as"ed
angrily.
.he didn$t say anything and %ust stared at the floor bawling her eyes out.
)verwhelmed# ! threw my shoes on and left the room slamming the door behind me. ! stood in
the hallway trying to figure out how to react to the "iss 'eah stole from me. ! was worried about
what would happened if and when *ordyce found out. ! felt terrible for 'eah. ! had no idea she had
those feelings for me and ! could tell *ordyce and ! were "illing her inside.
! wal"ed bac" inside the room.
Alison was comforting 'eah who was still in tears. ;'isten#; ! said to 'eah sympathetically# ;you
should$ve told me how you felt instead of resorting to this. !$m not going to tell *ordyce that you
"issed me so you$d better not pull anything. !$m sorry 'eah# ! really am.8
'eah nodded apologetically. ;!$m sorry. ! promise ! won$t do anything.;
! didn$t e,pect her to give in so easily. .everal moments passed and 'eah$s tears had cleared up.
.he as"ed me if we could still be friends and apologi+ed repeatedly more for what she did.
*ordyce came in through the door with brea"fast wraps and the first Twilight boo".
;)h no# you were serious about ma"ing me read that.;
;9eah# ! won4; she laughed.
;! won too. ! still got my "iss#; ! smir"ed unconvincingly.
;Touche#$; she replied. .he than wal"ed around me toward 'eah. ;'eah# we need to tal".;
;!t$s o"ay. ! dealt with it.; ! told *ordyce.
;Immm#; she replied# debating something.
;!t$s o"ay# Jordan#; 'eah told me# ;we need to have some girl tal".;
Alison and ! were aw"wardly alone in the room. ;.o how do you and 'eah "now each other0;
;!$m her cousin#; she informed me.
;)h#; ! said aw"wardly# ;so you must "now the $whole$ story.;
;9ep#; she replied# ;you should give her a chance.;
! ignored Alison$s statement and we both aw"wardly loo"ed around the room until 'eah and
*ordyce came bac" in.
;'eah and her cousin are going to hang out for a while#; *ordyce stated# ;you and ! can hang out
in the meantime.;
*ordyce and ! wal"ed through the mall.
;.o 'eah li"ed you# huh0;
;9eah# <uite une,pected#; ! replied.
;! "inda "new#; *ordyce said intelligently# ;! saw signs but didn$t "now for sure.;
;! never saw it coming# ! hardly tal"ed to her at all since :.MT. .o what all did she tell you0; !
had to "now if *ordyce "new about the "iss.
;.he %ust told me that she li"ed you for a long time but didn$t want to stand in the way of you and
!. That$s why she was acting all weird. 2ut she$s proud of us and happy that we were together.;
*ordyce seemed very "een on observing my responses. ! "new she was waiting for me to confess
the truth.
7.he "issed me.8
7! "now. Than"s for telling me#8 she said in a super cute voice.
.he "new that ! "new that she was testing me.
! immediately felt guilty. ! really intended to "eep the "iss to myself. !f it were any other girl# !
may not have cared. ! may have acted daring or perhaps even treated the situation as e,perimental.
2ut *ordyce wasn$t %ust any girl to me# she was the one# she fulfilled me# and ! didn$t want to leave
anything to chance when it came to her. Every moment with *ordyce felt right and in place# li"e a
planned destiny or fate was playing out it$s will. The only smart thing to do was to disregard the
complications and do what felt right. hen ! was with *ordyce# it was the only time in my life that
felt balanced to me. *ordyce was a relentless and a driving force in my life# so instead of deciding
to let 'eah become a part of e<uation# ! decided not to involve her and let the situation play out the
way it was meant to.
Jordan *ordyce made me feel li"e everything ! had endured in life was worthwhile so that !
could become more than what ! was. ! felt li"e my best self and ! wanted to be even more because
of her. ! couldn$t believe that a girl could draw out so much untapped inspiration from me. .adness#
despair# misery: ! couldn$t even recogni+e or decipher such feelings# they didn$t e,ist anymore.
7*ordyce# ! need to tell you that you are the best and brightest thing in my life. 9ou are
indescribable in all of your stunning features. ! honestly believe no girl could ever compare to you. !
love you.8
! opened my arms out to her and she grasped onto me tightly.
7! love you too#8 she said with the greatest smile ! had ever witnessed.
*ordyce found some corner of the mall and we couldn$t "eep our lips off eachother. e %o"ed
about the idea of running away together but "new our responsible minds would prevail. *ordyce
refused to say goodbye to me.
;Intil ne,t time#; she said instead.
;Intil ne,t time.; ! nodded.
And %ust li"e before# two unbelievably happy days and divergence.
Chapter $
E!aluating "our Standards
! had never anticipated that seeing *ordyce again would be a bad thing. !t was chaos and battle
on all fronts. ! didn$t "now what to thin" of anything. ! used 'eah as a crutch to validate my
opinions and feeings. And li"e any girl that had a crush on a boy# she gave me all the biased answers
that benefited her agenda.
! as"ed myself# ;Am ! creep0 Am ! stal"er0 Am ! a loser0; 2ecause bac" in (elson ! would$ve
been considered all of the above for chasing a girl. !n Alberta# ! was %ust Jordan fighting for the girl
he loved.
)ne wee" after *ordyce made her departure from the mall# she called me to say that we couldn$t
be in a relationship. .he gave me varied e,cuses and e,planations but none of them made any real
sense to me. .he was doing the same as before# cutting me out of her loop due to fear. ! refused to
accept her methods. The final result was the same one that 'eah warned me of# so in the end# she
was right. *ordyce went and got a fuc"ing boyfriend. ! don$t "now if it was to deter me or if she
actually li"ed that the guy.
! would reason my feelings with Jordan *ordyce to the point where she got angry with me. .he
didn$t believe in the odds and continued telling me that she still can$t handle the long distance. !
erased her from my life indefinitely for countless wee"s at a time and then let her bac" in when !
"new it wasn$t wor"ing and probably never would. /espite everything we had been through# !
remained friends with her and watched her slowly get over me# become increasingly attracted to
another# and fill the romantic part of her life with someone else.
*ordyce aside# ! had the whole summer ahead of me and had an uncle in Edmonton who owned
Meridian Electric. ! started to wor" for his company that repaired and distributed cranes for large
refineries in Alberta. The %ob wasn$t easy& long hours# early mornings# heavy labour# harsh wor"ing
conditions# but incredible pay. ! made about one-hundred-fifty dollars per day which was a lot to
ma"e for a teenager.
! stayed in touch with old friends li"e 'ee and (ic" and with them ! created an entirely new
lifestyle for myself. My social circle was some alien success to me.
! lived in one of the richest and safest neighbourhoods in Edmonton. ! made a lot of friends that
came from families of wealth and lu,ury. Their lawns were a vibrant# radiant green. A sports or
lu,ury car sat on the driveway of each home and a man made la"e accommodated and connected
most bac"yards. 2ac"yards where home owners hired peopl to maintain their gardens daily.
!t was paradise to me.
/espite my time during the summer# it felt li"e history was repeating itself. After the changes !
had made# ! still felt incomplete. ! had always felt li"e there was something pulling me towards
Edmonton. /own to the root# it was because of *ordyce# to be closer to her# to be in the realm of
possibility to be something with her.
! "new there was a hole in the companionship area of my life and it wasn$t going to be filled by
*ordyce# so ! started to loo"ing at alternative ways to fill the void. ! started going out with 'ee and
we$d hit up high school parties and drive down hyte Ave trying to pic" up older women with cars
even older.
! learned to be socially adept at a young age. !n a new city# "nowing almost no one# you had to
put yourself out there to ma"e friends fast. Isually# all it ta"es is one good guy to introduce you to
his social circle# and then you have options and can branch out.
The door to door salesman$s philosophy was what ! stood by: "noc" on D? doors and at least one
will answer# and it wor"ed. *or every handful of people ! stirred conversation up with# usually one
was interested in befriending me.
! eventually too" Alison$s offer to hang out# she had a natural beauty when she didn$t over-do her
ma"e-up. ! learned she was a very artistic girl. Alison painted beautiful abstract pieces that were
unli"e anything ! had ever viewed. ! later found out that her creativity stemmed from drugs and
hallucinations. Alison was bro"e and needing creative inspiration. .he called me up in the middle of
the night after she too" her last pill.
;Jordan# ! need to as" a small favor.;
;!t better be important if you$re calling me at this time#; ! replied still half asleep.
;! need forty dollars to buy some weed.;
;*uc" off.;
;1lease# !$ll ma"e it worth your while.;
;6eep tal"ing.;
;9ou li"e me# right0;
;hat draws you to that conclusion0;
;Just answer. /o you li"e me0;
;A bit# ! suppose.;
;Give me forty and you get me.;
;*ine. Tomorrow#; ! said %ust to hung up the phone and go bac" to sleep.
###
! stared out the window of the bus while heading downtown to see Alison in the morning. ! was
attracted to her and was considering to as" her out. .he li"ely pic"ed up on my body language and
disposition toward her. *orty dollars and she was mine. 1erhaps she wasn$t someone ! should
emotionally invest in afterall. !f any run-down schmuc" with forty buc"s could buy her than that
wasn$t a girl ! wanted to waste my time with.
Alison met me outside a :hapters on Jasper Ave. ! waited for her to decide what to do ne,t but
she had e,plained to me that she didn$t "now any dealers.
;9ou had me bring you forty dollars for pot and you don$t even "now where to get it0; ! laughed#
;Alright# come on.; ! had honestly never even seen mari%uana in my life. ! never did drugs and
never had the desire to try them# but ! figured they couldn$t be too hard to find.
Alison and ! entered a convenience store a few minutes after meeting up. A towering and gothic
teen within the store had overheard Alison and ! tal"ing about finding the substance. ;3ey# you$re
loo"ing for weed0 ! can hoo" you up#; he offered. ! laughed at how easy it was to find what we
wanted only moments after setting out to do so. The towering teenager named Trent introduced
himself to Alison and !. ;!$ll have one of my boys meet us. !t$ll be about thirty dollars#8 Trent
e,plained as we followed him to the subway station and too" a train further into the city.
Trent# despite his appearance happened to be e,plicitly friendly. ! invited Trent to hang out with
us after 'ee and (ic" called to pic" me up on some un"nown adventure. ! told them where we were
and they were on route.
Trent and a s"etchy character met with us in the downtown core. Alison handed Trent the fourty
dollars ! gave her for weed.
/eep down# ! "new Alison was fuc"ing me over. ! honestly couldn$t understand how people
could do it. *uc" people over# ! tried. ! too" advantage of so many people and was in perfect
opportune moments to destory people and gain financially# but ! could never do it. ! couldn$t destroy
my own values and morals# ! could shut things off# but ! couldn$t be so cold-hearted.
Trent and Alison had the great idea of lighting up at the :anada 1lace& the main government
building for the city. They smo"ed up %ust in front of the main entrance when a security guard came
wal"ing down the sidewal". The guard ma"e eye contact with the three of us and we got up to
leave. The guard pursued us. e bolted across the street and %umped down the hillside into a large
par". e entered a cluster of trees duc"ing and dodging into safety# remaining there for about
twenty minutes. The three of us were laughing vigorously because it was actually pretty fun. e
made our way bac" out of the shrubs tal"ing about how it was fun to have a good chase.
'ee and (ic" influ,ed with us and they brought vod"a. The five of us found a pathway to a
secluded shoreline running along the river that ran though the city. ! "ic"ed bac" in the sand sipping
on my drin" and en%oying myself. ! was merely meeting a girl to go buy weed and only hours later
!$m with an entire group of friends# en%oying a cool drin".
Alison en%oyed the company of our new arrivals# she thought they were funny# attractive# and
charming. !t wasn$t long until she forgot about holding up her end of our agreement and began to
move forward on Trent. Alison was drun" when she began ma"ing out with him and then proceeded
to ta"e Trent$s hand and place it on her breast.
! didn$t care. Every girl ! had emotionally invested myself in had hurt me in some way. ! stopped
placing all my eggs in one bas"et and began to place my eggs in many bas"ets. .he was %ust li"e
any other girl to me& a typical girl.
Alison started frea"ing out# ;Get off me4 hat are you doing0; acting li"e Trent had tried to
force himself on her. Alison wal"ed over to me and wrapped her arms around me.
;hat$s the matter with you# can$t handle your substances0; ! as"ed sternly.
;! want someone who cares.;
;5ight#; ! said# rolling my eyes and pushed Alison off me. .he was so full of shit. ! bought her
thirty dollars of weed for her artistic dependance and she pushes herself onto Trent# gets too fuc"ed
up to handle herself and comes to me for comfort. (ot happening.
'ee and (ic" were goofing around and too" turns punching each other in the balls until (ic"
heeled over in pain. They started eyeing the bridge in the distance# there was a tall bridge down the
river that ! estimated was ten stories elevated above the water.
;3ey# want to do something cra+y0; (ic" as"ed.
! assumed ! "new what they were tal"ing about. ;hat do you have in mind0; ! as"ed anyway.
(ic" laughed uncontrollably to himself and replied# ;9ou$ll see.;
'ee and (ic" began ma"ing their way bac" into the main area of the par". Trent# Alison and !
followed# grabbing whatever alcohol we had left.
(ic" and 'ee led us onto the middle of the bridge. (ic" began stripping down to his bo,ers and
'ee was doing the same. They both climbed over the railing and hung off it from the outside. (ic"$s
hands were the only thing between him and a ten story drop into the river# without thought# he
%umped off the bridge. ! flipped on the video on my camera phone and ran over to the edge of the
bridge. ! captured (ic" half way down before he splashed into water below.
'ee# hanging off the edge as well# stared at (ic" in disbelief. That is way bigger than ! thought it
would be. 'ee hesitated about %umping but ! had encouraged him. The thing that motivated him was
my promise to put him on 9ouTube. 79ou could be widely viewed doing this by millions48 ! told
him.
;9ouTube# really0; 'ee as"ed.
;9ou bet. 9ouTube man4;
'ee loo"ed over his shoulder and pointed out that (ic" had already floated half way down the
river. (ic" climbed upon the sanded area that the group of us were previously drin"ing on. 'ee let
out a fierce woot and shouted ;9ouTube; as he leap off the bridge. 3e flipped bac"ward and
completed a full rotation until becoming submerged into the water.
;! don$t really want to wait for them. 'et$s go#; Trent said to Alison and !.
To my surprise# Alison agreed# ;e can ta"e the rest of the li<our and ditch them#; she added.
;ait. ! want to %ump#; ! told them.
Trent and Alison both ac"nowledged my choice. ;)"ay# we$ll wait for you then#8 Trent told me. !
wasn$t sure if ! should actually believe that they$d wait for me after wanting to ditch my friends so
readily. !t didn$t matter to me# ! was going to %ump whether they were going to be there when ! came
bac" or not. ! too" every piece of clothing off my body leaving only my bo,ers. ! climbed over the
railing of the bridge and loo"ed down. An uneasy feeling hit my stomach.
;*uc"# ! should not have loo"ed down#; ! said aloud.
;/on$t worry about it. Just rela, and %ump#; Trent pushed.
;! don$t see you %umping# tough guy.; ! %o"ed.
! loo"ed up into the s"y only thin"ing about how terrified ! was and imagining everything that
could go wrong. ! closed my eyes# let go of all my doubt# leaned bac"# and loosened my grip around
the railing until ! fell off the bridge.
! didn$t %ump to impress anyone or gain recognition# but ! felt ! needed to do it for my own sa"e. !
needed to challenge myself so that ! could gain more confidence and add to my e,periences.
! fell airborne into the water and destroyed the smooth surface. ! became submerged in the mur"y
water for several seconds. ! opened my eyes and couldn$t see which direction the surface was under
the dar" mur"iness. Everywhere ! loo"ed# ! only saw muddy and diluted water. My instinct too"
control of my body and ! swam to the surface.
Every once in a while my instinct revealed itself and too" control. My instinct carried me into
places ! was unable to reach myself. ! was baffled by the physical manifestations it brought me into.
My instinct never failed me.
!n middle school# ! was overcome by a peer named /ean *els"e in gym class. The gym class was
playing a game of dodge ball and /ean had come up behind me and pulled me into a head loc"
while trying to rip the softball from my hands. ! tried to throw him off me but didn$t have the
strength to do so. Two popular girls# who ! was %ust starting to ac<uaint myself with# too" notice and
started laughing at me. My instinct too" over and ! tossed /ean into the air and onto my bac" and
spun him around li"e a rag doll before throwing him onto the gym floor.
! was shoc"ed by what ! had been capable of after instinct too" over. ! wanted to harness that
energy and unleash it at moments of my choosing# but unfortunately no one can control the
powerful entities within our body. They show themselves at the right triggers.
Jumping off that bridge wasn$t the smartest thing to do when ! was somewhat into,icated but !
did it and it felt good.
This became my obsession# ! needed to have some big meaningful e,perience everyday.
.omething dangerous or perhaps egotistical in order to feel accomplished. !f ! didn$t do something
great& ! felt li"e that specific day had been a waste. ! always had to do something productive.
! swam bac" to the shore where (ic" and 'ee beached upon. ;3oly fuc"#; ! breathed heavily#
;the %ump was nothing# it$s trying to swim against the current.;
;! "now#; 'ee breathed while sitting upon a boulder. 3e was still recovering his breath as well.
(ic"# 'ee# and ! returned to the bridge where Trent and Alison awaited li"e they promised. (ic"
and 'ee insisted on going for a second %ump but ! had already accomplished what ! had wanted to
do. They both %umped again and swam bac" to shore. !t seemed someone had witnessed what was
going on and called the 1olice. An officer was wal"ing along the shore line waiting for (ic" and
'ee to come out of the water before arresting them.
;!t was a good thing ! didn$t go for that second %ump#; ! told Trent and Alison.
The three of us left the area and wal"ed further into the par" across the bridge. Alison dropped
down in the grass and planted her hands to both sides of herself. ;*uc"# ! feel really fuc"ed up#; she
laughed. ! sat down beside her and told her she found a decent spot to rela,. !t was inside a little
clearing surrounded by trees.
;here are we0; ! as"ed as ! seemed to have been in the middle of nowhere e,cept ! could see
high rises in the distance over the trees.
;e$re in 6ingsway 1ar"#; Trent informed me# ;this is where ! do a lot of deals.;
Alison leaned over toward me and planted her face against mine. .he shoved her tongue in my
mouth and forced my body flat against the ground before boldly climbing on top of me
;hat the fuc"#; Trent said aloud. !t seemed Alison came bac" to reality and pulled herself away
from me. ! wanted to say something but didn$t. ! wondered what the hell was going on in that mind
of hers& she pulled a similar thing with Trent almost an hour ago.
Trent and ! began wal"ing away while Alison was still laying in the field. .he didn$t seem to be
moving. Trent as"ed me how ! "new her# ! told him that ! recently met her through a friend and we
only hung a few times. ! later learned that telling him this was a mista"e# his intentions were to
disregard me from the e<uation and find a way to sleep with her.
Trent wal"ed bac" over to Alison and piggy bac"ed her bac" into the city. Alison seemed on the
verge of passing out. ! got bored and grabbed a ta,i bac" to my house.
???
Trent called me the ne,t morning. ;Man# that chic" you had with you is a frea"4 After you left !
too" her home and she pulled me into her room# grabbed my hands and started shoving them down
her pants. .he frea"ed out again though and as"ed what the fuc" ! was doing and told me to get out.
.he threw a boo" at me.;
;hat the fuc"#8 ! replied and was then rendered speechless. ! never "new how fuc"ed up she
was. ;9ou "now ! li"ed her# right0;
;9eah#; Trent responded li"e that was irrelevant.
;/ic"4; ! laughed# ;hatever. To hell with the girl.; Alison was drama and ! was right to not get
emotionally involved.
Trent invited me to come hang out with him and ! too" him up on his offer.
2efore leaving ! flipped open my lap top and found Alison online# ! as"ed about what happened
with Trent. Told her about what he told me. ;(o. That didn$t happen at all#; she messaged# ;he tried
and ! denied. :an ! as" another favor though0 3ow much money do you have0 ! need some to buy
some E.;
! laughed and hit delete on her ass.
)ver the wee" Trent and ! hung out nearly every day and ! would assist him with selling herb so
that we could earn li<uor money.
Trent and ! were hanging out downtown on route to meet a potential customer. As we were
wal"ing through the outs"irts of downtown we saw a male that had a girl bac"ed up against a wall.
;!$ll fuc"ing "ill you# bitch4; he screamed in her face and slapped her across the face a few times.
Trent whispered to me that he "new this girl and that she was his friend. ;*ollow my lead# !
might need bac" up.;
! fro+e up with a little bit of fear. ! had never been in a real fight before. ! had a few
confrontations with enemies that too" a turn for the worse G nothing intentionally inflicting true
bodily harm.
Trent and ! wal"ed over. Trent confronted the guy and came inches from his face. ;2ac" the fuc"
off or !$m going to "ic" the shit out of you# fag.;
The guy loo"ed Trent dead in the face and said# ;.tay out of my fuc"ing business# bitch4; A
moment of tension passed until the guy wal"ed bac" to Trent$s female friend and slapped her in the
face once more.
Trent lost it. Trent leaped forward and grabbed the collar of man$s shirt. Trent raised his fist and
struc" him down with two brutal blows to the face.
The abusive stranger dropped to the ground with blood dripping down his face. Trents opponent
had a blan" e,pression of shoc" and then Trent grabbed him by the throat with one hand and
grabbed his shirt with the other. Trent threw him head first into the cement wall beside us and he let
out a strained grunt as he fell unconscious.
My eyes were wide with shoc" and adrenaline. This was li"ely the most violent act !$d witnessed
as a young teenager.
Trent went over to the girl as she was in tears. Trent made sure she was physically o"ay and told
her to go home. The girl nodded and disappeared down the street. Trent-s "nuc"les were swollen#
gashed# and one of them fractured. ! told him we should go to the hospital.
;9eah# ! thin" so#; Trent spo"e.
'uc"ily the 3ospital was only a twenty minute wal" from where we were. ! accompanied Trent
to the hospital# when we arrived in the main entrance# he spotted a wheel chair and %umped in it to
have fun on the way to the chec" in. 3e never too" anything seriously.
Chapter %
The Underlying Tension
A month later 'eah got in contact with me. .he was eager to see me again and said she was
coming to Edmonton the ne,t day. .he didn$t really leave any room for negotiation but ! thought !
could use a friendly face.
.he found a ride into the city and we met at est Edmonton Mall. 'eah brought Alison. Alison#
didn$t bring anything up other than the fact that ! didn$t tal" to her anymore. .he was friendly to a
point# but was bitchy more than anything. .he had demands every twenty minutes and if they
weren$t met# she$d have a fit. 7.omebody needs to buy me some fuc"ing smo"es or !$m going to flip
out#8 she$d say.
'eah obliged Alison and after her smo"e we went to go play glow in the dar" mini golf. 'eah let
it slip that *ordyce bro"e up with her boyfriend. That meant something to me but ! played it off li"e
! didn$t care about her anymore because ! "new 'eah was still infatuated with me. .he couldn$t have
made it any more obvious when she was calling our time together a date and abnormally laughed at
all my remar"s.
! was trying to convince 'eah to ditch Alison but she wouldn$t do it because it was her cousin.
Alison was the most annoying and clueless third wheel ! had ever "nown. ! finally got fed up
with the bullshit# threw my hands up in the air and announced that ! was leaving. ! began wal"ing
away from the two of them and 'eah chased after me and snatched my hand. 79ou can$t go. !$m
sorry ! brought her but you are my two favourite people in the world and ! %ust wanted to spend one
day with both of you.8
7Get rid of her#8 ! demanded# 7and !$ll stic" around.8
7! can$t do that. 1lease %ust stay#8 she pleaded.
7Goodbye#8 ! said with finality.
! went home that night and emailed *ordyce after nearly two months of no communication. .he
was happy that ! reached out to her.
7! have so much to tell you#8 she told me# 7you were li"e my best friend and you were always the
first person ! wanted to share things with# but you went on one of those things where you wouldn$t
tal" to me for months.8
79ou "now it was hard for me to be friends with you while you were with a guy that was
supposed to be me.8
79eah# well that$s over. !t didn$t wor" between /evon and !. 3e cheated on me and "ept lying
about it.8
*ordyce and ! enticed each other with what was new in our lives and she told me that she was in
.pruce Grove# a little town %ust twenty minutes outside of Edmonton.
79ou$re only twenty minutes away08 ! gasped# 7!$m still in Edmonton4 e can see each other48
7e$ll !$m only here for the night and then my friends and ! are going to :algary tomorrow.8
79ou have no time tonight and aren-t going to be stic"ing around at all tomorrow08
7ell# we might be going into the city for a couple hours. !$ll te,t you if ! have time to see you. !
got a new web cam by the way and ! haven$t tested it out# do you have one08
.he sent me an invite into a video conversation and ! was immediately flooded with emotion. !
hadn$t so much as loo"ed at a picture of her for almost two months and it overwhelmed me to see
her and hear her voice.
! got wea" and had to unload the feelings that ! had been repressing since the last time !$d seen
her.
! told her that it didn$t matter how many times ! could bloc" her out of my life or how far in
denial ! was# ! was unable to sha"e my longing for her. .he still popped up in my head all the time
and every time ! met a girl# ! compared them to her. ! was unable to be at peace with that "ind of
need hanging over my shoulders.
*ordyce stared into the web cam# her eyes glossed over and ! could see the hurt she felt. ! could
feel my own eyes become blurry with tears %ust barely brea"ing surface tension.
7!$m sorry#8 she said#7if ! could be with you# ! would. !f we were closer and the situation was
better.8
7!$m right here in Edmonton# *ordyce. 9ou$re not far from me.8
7! can$t. ! don$t thin" it$s a good idea to see you tomorrow now either.8
7hy08 ! scoffed.
79ou thin" you "now me but you don$t. ! love the way you thin" of me and you leave me
breathless with the things you say but !$m not good for you. !$m not a good person and you deserve
better than me.8
7!f ! don$t "now you# than let me get to "now you. e can$t truly connect on a personal level
when you$re always hiding behind a computer screen and never telling me how you feel. ! can pic"
up on how you feel a lot of time# but ! can never be sure.8
79ou don$t "now how ! feel.8
7! can read it in your face. ! love you# ! "now you have something for me too so why do you
fight yourself so much08
73ow can you "now it$s love08
72ecause !$ve fallen for a lot of girls# at times it really feels li"e love too# but ! "now it$s real with
you because nothing has ever compared to what ! feel for you# and !$ve never been stuc" with a
feeling li"e this for so long. !t$s practically been a year# *ordyce. A year since ! met you at :.MT
and those feelings are still there. (othing has ever inspired me or motivated me more than you. This
hold you have over me has molded me into a much better person.8
*ordyce had water running down her chee"s now.7! feel the same way about you#8 she told me#
7maybe not the e,act same way# but it$s too late. ! made mista"es and ! don$t want you getting any
of my baggage.8
7hat mista"es0 hat baggage08
7!$ve been really depressed lately. ! decided to be anore,ic because ! hate my body# !$ve been
doing lots of drugs and ! thin" !$m becoming an alcoholic. ! gave up all my dreams# !$m not going to
go anywhere li"e you. !$m so happy that you$re inspired and motivated by me but if ! enter your life
than !$m %ust going to drag you down with me. !$m carrying a lot of guilt around. A couple nights
ago ! was at a party and ! got really drun". ! lost my virginity to this guy ! only "new for a few days
because ! felt sorry for him. Trust me# you don$t want me.8 ! stared at *ordyce wordlessly. A tear
escaped my eye and fell down my chee". 7.ee#8 *ordyce continued after seeing the tear on my face#
7!$m not good for you.8
A guy without a shirt on wal"ed into the room behind *ordyce. hen she reali+ed he was there
she <uic"ly grabbed the mouse and signed off M.(.
! regretted tal"ing to her instantly as ! fell into a deep state of disarray. ! wasn$t ready to tal" to
her again let alone hear that. ! deleted *ordyce once more and slammed my lap top shut and didn$t
dare open it for the rest of the night.
! wal"ed over to the li<uor cabinet# grabbed te<uila and raspberry vod"a and sat down on my
bed. ! stared at my cloc" for about twenty minutes watching each minute pass by slowly and then !
began downing shot by shot from each bottle.
!n a moment of into,ication# ! called 'eah and e,plained that ! needed to see her immediately.
.he was already out of town but 'eah assured me she would tal" to some friends and get a ride bac"
to Edmonton. 3alf an hour later she called me bac" and said she would be in Edmonton in an hour.
Chapter &
The Bith
! wo"e up feeling a massive headache with the phone in my hand and all the lights on. ! passed
out and ! wo"e up confused and was desperately trying to thin" of how the night ended. All !
remembered was feeling bro"en up about *ordyce. ! loo"ed at the phone$s call log and remembered
calling 'eah and saw nine missed calls from her.
7)h fuc"#8 ! moaned and called her bac" immediately# 7'eah# hey...8
7here the fuc" are you0 ! thought you were dead. ! tried to call you li"e fifty times.8
7!$m sorry# ! was really drun" and now !$m hungover as fuc".8
7)h# ! guess ! came to Edmonton for nothing.8
7(o# !$ll feel bad. !$ll come see you. here are you08
7!$m in my friend$s truc". e slept here for the night because we were waiting for you to call.8
7:ome pic" me up. !$ll come bac" to Begreville with you#8 ! told 'eah. .he had wanted me to
come see her hometown for some time so ! offered to go there to ma"e her a little less frustrated
about having to sleep in a truc". They pic"ed me up at my house and we drove out to Begreville# a
small town an hour north of Edmonton.
hen we arrived# 'eah brought me into her house and into her bedroom. ! sat down on her bed.
My hangover was half gone.
'eah sat down on the bed ne,t to me.
;Tell me what$s wrong. ! "now there is something wrong.;
;!t$s none of your concern#; ! said emotionless.
;! care about you. ! want to help.;
! shifted my body posture away from her.
;/oes it have something to do with Jordan0;
;1ossibly...; ! accidentally breathed under my breath.
;! can tal" to her for you. e$re li"e sisters# she listens to me.;
;hat$s done is done. !t can be undone. This complicates everything for me. ! can$t thin" about
her the same way again.;
;hat did she do# Jordan0 Just tell me#; 'eah urged gently as she grabbed my hand and held it in
hers.
;.he slept with someone. !t was her first and she didn$t even li"e the guy. .he told me she did it
out of pity. ! thought...! %ust thought she was better then that. ! thought she had some self respect. !
can$t stop these feelings for her4 ! love her and it hurts so much "nowing that she lost her virginity
and she didn$t even ta"e my feelings into account. .he used to care about what ! thought. .he used
to admire my perspective. ! %ust want these feelings for her to end4 ! can$t stop them and they "eep
polluting my brain with self destructive thoughts#; ! said in an aggravated tone.
;)h my god. !$m so sorry# Jordan. ! can$t believe she$d do something li"e that. !$m %ust as
surprised as you are right now#; she said# her face revealing shoc".
The room stood in silence for the ne,t few minutes. ! was busy being absorbed by my sorrow
while 'eah was inert# un"nowing what to say.
;Jordan#; 'eah whispered very softly# ;!$m here for you# ! always have been. ! love you# Jordan.
*orget about *ordyce# she doesn$t care about your feelings and if she did# she wouldn$t have done
that to you. .he doesn$t deserve you# but ! do. !$ve always cared about you since the beginning. Just
let me in.;
3er eyes ga+ed deeply into mine and she leaned forward brushing her lips against mine. Then
planted her lips on me tightly as she wrapped her arms around me. ! grabbed onto her and pulled
both of us down onto the bed.
.he climbed on top of me while barely letting any space come between us. .he pulled her shirt
off and then hastily pulled mine off with desperation. 'eah had been wanting this for months# she
wanted it done before ! had a chance to change my mind. .he moved down my body "issing my
stomach and started to undo my %eans.
! loo"ed over her head staring at the ceiling. ! thought about why ! shouldn$t %ust stop her now.
*ordyce was never going to happen# she wasn$t a part of the e<uation anymore so their was no need
to save myself. ! leaned my head bac" and let it happen.
???
;Are you fuc"ing with me0 9ou don$t want to go out with me0 hat the fuc" was last night4
9ou$re not going to fuc" and chuc" me4 !f anybody as"s# ! fuc"ed and chuc"ed you. All you ever
did was whine about your fuc"ing Jordan *ordyce. ah# she doesn$t believe in long distance# wah# !
love her and can$t stop my feelings. This is the biggest mista"e of your life4; 'eah screamed as she
threw my phone at me. !t missed and hit the wall leaving a dent.
;Get over it#; ! told her while putting my shirt bac" on.
;)h# ! am over it. ! never li"ed you. ! %ust felt sorry for you4 ;
;/on$t "id yourself# 'eah. ! thin" you$ve got your feelings mi,ed up with mine#; ! told her as !
wal"ed out of the room.
;9ou$re going to get stomped4; 'eah shouted as ! left.
! too" a cab bac" into the city. G !t cost me over a hundred dollars.G )n the way bac" ! got a half
do+en phone calls from 'eah# her friends# her e, boyfriends# and older men she probably promised
to fuc" if they threatened me.
*rom the beginning# ! could not have been more wrong about 'eah. Ipon meeting her# ! too" her
for a girl of a wealthy family# intelligent# outgoing# and caring.
'eah turned out to be a single daughter with her mother living on welfare# only cared about
drama# and for things to go her way# and li"ed guiding conversations toward times she got into
fights with other girls and pulled their hair until they cried. And last of all# she prided herself on an
ever growing number of older guys she fuc"ed.
'eah made herself out to be a whiny# incompetent# bitch who tal"ed about suicide. .he always
tal"ed about how shitty her life was. !t was no surprise that her life was in fact shitty. .he
continuously made poor decisions despite anyone$s advice against them. .he could easily earn a life
of fulfilment and accomplishment# but she made decisions that benefited no one. .he acted
irrational# spiteful# and was completely ignorant and blind to level-headed choices. .he would
choose to assault someone because they called her stupid# she always resorted to the worst possible
choice for nearly everything.
After getting bac" to Edmonton# ! decided to leave 'eah in the past. *ordyce: alienated. 'eah:
alienated. (either of them were a part of the e<uation anymore. ! was enraged.
! vowed to become one of those asshole guys. A player who didn$t care and got what he wanted.
Girls were going to become disposable pleasures to me.
! got to "now many girls in the coming month and went on more than two do+en dates. G
sometimes up to three in a day. 3ow did ! get so many girls to meet me in such a short amount of
time0 ! launched a secret online campaign browsing for women online and messaging them with cut
and pasted routines. ! measured the success rates of many and found the best routines and
techni<ues to message with it. ! had a successfully engineered response for almost anything a girl
could to say to me.
(e,opia is a relic of social media today# but it was once commonly used and filled by teens and
young adults. (e,opia was what ! found to be my primary hunting ground.
And everytime ! traveled# ! searched all female (e,opia users in that area# and woud find myself
having dates arranged with girls before ! even arrived.
!t was always a numbers game with me. The same door-to-door salesman-s logic: "noc" on ten
doors and at least one will answer. ell about = in D? girls were answering but D in D? were willing
to set plans to meet. !n a month ! messaged around =?? women# so that was =? potential girls to
meet and date.
/espite my theory that all girls in the end were the same# selfish# self-centered# and dramatic# !
still deeply desired a significant other. !t was the salesman$s approach at wor" again. ! pursued all
women that reached my minimum standard but the beauty in mass relationships was that ! could
have more women than ! could handle and in the end choose the one ! wanted. ! could be the guy
with options and if love should ever present itself to me again# and ! felt fully confident that !
wouldn$t be hurt# ! would let everyone else go and be primarily devoted to her. !t was a process of
elimination.
The more girls ! met# the more ! hated the female gender. (early every girl did something that
would have hurt me if ! was emotionally invested. Isually# most of them would either cheat# lie#
act# or deceive for their own personal gain. ! also began to notice a popular line come up with most
of these girls: lets %ust be friends. The line had become infamous and it was an insult. 'ets %ust be
friends was a cheap consolation pri+e for your efforts.
Molly# we really hit it off and en%oyed each others company. e were moving fast and their was
a lot of chemistry. .he would call me up at night and had this weird thing where she always wanted
to masturbate on the phone with me. That ended when her grandpa wal"ed in on her while she was
on the phone. e continued seeing each other until she dropped the fact that she had a "id and
wanted me to father it.
6arla# she was perfect. .he filled my mental and physical e,pectations and things were great
other than the occasional frea" out where she would have a personality change for a day and not tell
me what was going on# then wanted to go on acting li"e we were destined to be married the ne,t
day# then deciding ! wasn$t good enough for her again. 3er e,cuse for her bipolar attitude was that
she needed to test me to see if ! would always "eep fighting for her. (e,t4
Tori# she loved to play mind games# lived for it# got off on it# ! was too smart for her though and
out gamed her.
Emma# she was a rich# daddy$s girl and drove a mustang whom her dad bought for her sweet
si,teen. .he wasn$t so good with social situations and she stuttered when she tal"ed. .he was drop
dead gorgeous though and let me drive her car. !t was cool until ! was over at her house while her
parents weren$t home...or so she thought and ! got a very formal threat from her father.
:aitlin# ! auditioned for a local play but didn$t ma"e the cut. :aitlin didn$t ma"e the cut either but
we hit it off and began hanging out at each others houses and would ma"e out in each other$s rooms.
Then she told me she li"ed someone else and stopped seeing me.
Amanda# we met up for our first date at the movie theater but that didn$t go so well because we
were too busy watching the movie to actually tal" to each other )ur second date was to the fair# we
went on rides and had a blast. 3ad some deep moments and really connected. The ne,t day ! was
received a message from her boyfriend.
Amy# she was a friend of Amanda$s. e went on a romantic wal" through the par" and watched
the sun set. e stayed out all night ma"ing out in a soccer field. .he didn$t "now Amanda and !
dated not long ago and decided to stop seeing me after accusing me of being a player.
Jessica# she was the pretty raver girl. .he too" me to my first rave and introduced me to the
world of drugs and serious hearing damage. .he too" me bac" to her house after the rave and
wouldn$t stop cuddling with me while on ecstasy. Everything was good until she told me she wanted
me to give her a baby. hen ! wouldn$t comply she found someone else# got "noc"ed up# and ended
up a single mother.
/rama ensued with all of these girls and ! thought it was my civic duty to let these girls "now
that they were inade<uate human beings. (aturally# this escalated the problems.
! had begun drin"ing every night because ! thought it calmed the nerves. 2efore ! "new it# ! was
doing it all the time. All my emotions had pent up until they were overwhelming. ! had to find new
ways to release all the anger# depression# and feelings of disconnection because alcohol %ust wasn$t
doing it for me anymore.
*or days ! wouldn$t sleep# ! always felt sic"# my state had ta"en a physical toll on my body. !n
time# ! felt li"e ! lost my emotion all together. ! %ust felt dead and empty# not caring about much of
anything. There was no will or motivation in me.
My whole life# ! thought ! had the will and drive to succeed and go further than most people in
their lifetimes# but "now ! didn$t "now what ! had anymore. 1eople were beginning to disli"e the
person ! was and ! started to become an enigma.
!n the end# ! had become so self destructive to myself that ! started thin"ing about the cause& the
female gender had so much power over me. ! didn$t feel li"e this because of women. ! felt this way
because ! was lac"ing in ma%or areas of my life# and women %ust had the power to bring me out of it
for a moment. hen they acted out in a cruel manner# it destroyed me. ! needed to fi, myself.
!$ve been here before. !$ve been here more than once. A little bit of my pride# glory# ego# and self
worth sift bac" into place& the strongest opponents to my minds current occupants. !$ve been at roc"
bottom before. ! "now that if ! pic" myself bac" up and reinvent myself once again ! will only find
a demise bac" here in this hole once more.
'oo"ing bac" on myself# ! reali+e that every time ! have climbed out of the hole# ! come bac"
stronger# more determined# and more successful than !$d ever been. 1erhaps this curse is my greatest
blessing. ! am doomed to return to this hole until it molds me into the best ! can be. Each and every
time ma"ing further strides to success.
.omething wasn$t wor"ing in Edmonton and ! needed a change of scenery. ! needed to ta"e
things from a different approach. ! needed out. ! decided to go bac" to 2ritish :olumbia. ! was
never happy there either but needed to get out of my current circumstances.
! too" the ne,t greyhound bac" to 2ritish :olumbia.

!!
1e)re 2ust fragile machines programmed %ith a false sense of our o%n importance. And every
no% and then the universe sends a reminder that %e don)t really matter to it.
(eil .trauss# The Game
Chapter 1
Preonie!ed E#$etations
/uring the eighteen hour bus ride bac" to my hometown# ! decided to fulfil my promise to
Jordan *ordyce and finally read the ;Twilight .aga.; !t was about a girl who moved to a small town
and fell in love with a vampire. (eedless to say it was garbage. G the stuff for teenage girls in early
puberty. G ! couldn$t help imagining myself as Edward and *ordyce as 2ella.
!$d been out of touch with Jordan *ordyce for a while again and ! was still unable to completely
forget about her. ! had thoughts that reminisced my regret and her neglect.
!n that moment# ! reali+ed that ! depended on other people for my happiness. ! wasn$t happy with
my accomplishments# the outstanding things !$d e,perienced# or even the basic needs ! had met my
entire life. ! only cared about how others viewed me# ! cared about ego# image# and the illusion of
importance in the world. !t was an epiphany from the long hours of my self reflection. )bviously# !
couldn$t change the egotistical personality within me over night but it was definitely something !
could wor" toward.
)ne of the passengers started complaining to the bus driver and interrupted my thoughts. ;! had
two pieces of luggage and Greyhound lost them both4 hat am ! suppose to do about that4; the
passenger yelled in a very hostile tone.
;9ou can call customer service when you get to your destination#; the driver e,plained# ;you can
sort it out then.;
My phone bu++ed with the noise of a te,t message. !t was Jordan *ordyce.
;.pea" of the devil#; ! muttered to myself ambivalently. ! wondered what she could possibly
want# but at the same time became hopeful of what could come after that moment.
;3ello# *ordyce.;
;3ey# what$s new0; she as"ed# trying to casually befriend me again.
;hy are you tal"ing to me0; ! replied.
;! feel really bad for the last time we tal"ed. ! could really use someone right now and you$re li"e
my other half# the other Jordan#8 *ordyce said really aw"wardly
;hy did you choose now to get bac" in touch with me0; ! as"ed suspiciously.
;!$ve been getting my shit together and !$m going to be in Edmonton again soon. ! thought we
could see each other8
My face turned red with mi,ed emotions. ! was in Edmonton the whole summer and she chooses
the day ! leave to tell me this.
7!$m sorry for the way things happened#8 *ordyce e,pressed. 7! want us to be friends. Aside from
all the troubles between us# we always had this "ind of connection. ! don$t want to lose it so when
you$re bac" in 2.: and all settled in# call me# o"ay08
! agreed that we should be friends and promised ! would call her. !t was too hard to be friends
with her in the past because ! couldn$t watch her ma"e mista"es and be with other people. 2ut
perhaps ! should$ve always been her friend# maybe if ! was there for her the entire time# she might
not have slipped away as far as she did. !f ! remain friends with her# maybe ! can win her over for
good# ! thought.
!t was good to "now that she wanted to be in my life as a friend. ! was only worried that it could
re"indle more feelings and renew what !$d been so desperately trying to get over.
A couple hours later# the bus had been delayed by a build up of traffic. Eventually the cause of
the traffic was visible. The remains of a van were sitting in the middle of the road abla+e. *ire
crac"led and snapped from the blac"# burnt to a crisp wrec".
;! don$t feel so bad about my luggage#; the angry passenger from earlier announced# ;now !
"now someone is having a crappier day than me.;
hen ! had arrived bac" in (elson# 2ritish :olumbia# my father was waiting for me at the
station.
;elcome bac"#; he greeted. e put my luggage in the hatchbac" of the Toyota Matri,. My
father as"ed me <uestions about the trip. G ! was surprised by how friendly he had acted after the
dramatic e,it ! made from my home. G ! replied to all his <uestions trying to be as vague as
possible. ! didn$t want him to "now that ! lost my virginity# that ! hoo"ed up with more girls than !
could count# that ! sold drugs# witnessed assaults# and fell into a dissatisfying and depressing mess.
!t felt nice to be bac" in a familiar place despite how much ! disli"ed it before. !t was boring# the
people were stuc" up# and the town was built mostly on hills. ! guess it was good for me# there was
less opportunity to get myself into trouble and ! could give myself the chance to feel stable again.
My last year in secondary school was starting in less than a wee" so ! decided to get caught up
with some friends that missed me over the summer. ! never really mentioned anything to anyone
about what had happened# it wasn$t something ! li"ed to tal" about and my general trust for people
was gone.
)ver the ne,t two months# my drin"ing habits hadn$t gone down and ! was going through three
bottles of vod"a per wee" . !t definitely wasn$t healthy but it did "eep my emotions under control to
a point. 'i<uor would become my vice& ! became a different person under the influence and !
trusted my drun"en-self more than ! trusted my real-self. ! trusted the person who had confidence#
didn$t give a fuc"# was irrational# and went after what he really wanted without weighing the
conse<uences. .omehow# ! thought he was better.
My parents had purchased a new car# the J??E Toyota Matri,. @ A car !-d wanted for my own
since racing around in one with (ic" and convinced my parents to get before ! left to Edmonton. G !
too" the vehicle to drive out to parties in the middle of the night without the "nowledge of my
parents. .ometimes when ! needed an outlet for my emotions# ! too" the vehicle out of town to
speed down highways as fast as ! could get the car to go and fly around corners. G !$d done most of
this after !-d been drin"ing.
! eventually phoned Jordan *ordyce# she was so happy to hear from me. e shared our problems
with each other and she simply listened. .he helped me cope with what ! was going through. .he
had regained control of her life and was e,celling fast. .he was getting into Iniversity programs
while still in high school and ! couldn$t help but be impressed.
! went to school everyday despite my sleepless nights. G 2eing young it seemed ! could handle
an all-nigher without conse<uences. G Throughout the days ! began to notice a girl in the halls of
my school that would fre<uently glance towards me and occasionally stare. .he had platinum#
blonde hair with brown stemming from the roots# blue eyes# and lips that were far too big for her
face. Every time ! wal"ed through that hallway# ! could feel her eyes burning into the bac" of my
s"ull.
!n drama class# a new student had arrived. .he had %et blac" hair and brown eyes that were shifty
and unnerving. .he was an open target# someone who would be easy to sociali+e with. Every year
there was a collection of new students. ! see"ed them out and befriended them before anyone else
did so ! could find friendship before they were aware of my low reputation. Most people within my
school viewed me li"e the school leader of gee"s and nerds# yet ! never associated myself with
them. .o ! tried to associate myself with the new students when their future stereotype was
un"nown to them.
! wal"ed up to the new girl as she was spea"ing with Taylor# a prep girl. ! introduced myself.
;9ou loo" li"e you$re totally confused with who to tal" to.; ! said giving Taylor a bac"handed
insult. Taylor wal"ed away in avoidance of me.
;ell# who should ! tal" to than0; the new girl challenged.
;9ou$re tal"ing to me right now so you$re already doing that right#; ! smir"ed with coc"y humor#
;here you from and what brings you to this hic" town0
;:algary and because ! have to stay with my aunt because ! got "ic"ed out of my mom$s house.;
;)h# you$re the trouble ma"ing "ind#; ! stated.
;9eah# ! am#; she replied far too seriously.
3er name was Bictoria and we had some chemistry.
A wee" later in the comfort of my home# ! found a new friend re<uest on *aceboo" from the girl
who constantly ga+ed at me in the halls. 3er name was Melissa 2arrie. :urious of her# ! decided to
accept the re<uest.
The ne,t day at school while wal"ing down the same hall ! usually saw Melissa in# she was
ga+ing at me more steadily than ever. ! nearly made it to the end of the hall until ! felt someone
wrap their arms around me from behind.
;9ay# you accepted me4; Melissa yelled e,citedly in a s<uea"y voice.
! had already felt uncomfortable from her constant ga+ing everyday and now she had hugged me
when we had never spo"en a word to each other ;9ou$re not one of those socially aw"ward girls are
you0; ! as"ed while ! spun around on her.
;(o#; she laughed# ;you have gorgeous eyes.;
;Than"s#; ! replied as ! had begun to wal" away.
;9ou have a nice ass too4; she shouted before ! disappeared around the corner.
The following wee" consisted of Melissa and ! getting to "now each other and myself drawing
physically close to Bictoria.
Melissa# she filled the wee" with surprise hugs and random compliments. ! tried not to pay much
attention to her but she was <uite persistent.
Bictoria# she treated me li"e her only friend in drama class. .ince our initial interaction# she
approached me every time ! came through the doors to the theater to ma"e light conversation. !n
time ! grew closer to her and she became a regular friend. After a few e,tra classes ! got her number
and we began to te,t each other regularly.
Melissa# ! still didn$t <uite "now what to ma"e of her# so ! gave in and decided it wouldn$t do any
harm to get to "now her. ! replied to one of the many messages she sent me on *aceboo". .he
seemed li"e a very positive and "ind individual. ! found it easy to open up to her so ! informed her
of a little bit about myself. .he was non-%udgmental and wanted to help with my problems. .he held
up a trustworthy persona# so ! slowly opened up to her a little bit more and more every night.
Eventually# ! told her about my e,periences# my drin"ing problem# my brutal depression and
feelings of insignificance and disconnection. .he too" it all in and genuinely cared for what ! went
through. !t was the first time ! opened up to anybody and trusted someone in the town. .he wasn$t
li"e most people and ! admired her for that.
Bictoria# ! eventually learned that the reasons she had to retreat to another province were the
same reasons ! would begin to greatly disli"e her. .he disregarded anyone else$s feelings or
problems. .he only acted on things that benefited her and only regarded another$s problems or
misfortunes if it affected her too.
! proceeded getting to "now her until ! felt it was time ! as"ed her to hang out outside of school.
.he agreed to meeting up one night and we had discovered that we lived across the street from each
other ! wal"ed down the street to the corner of the opposite bloc" from me. ! found Bictoria waiting
for me on top of a short staircase that laid beneath a vigorous oa" tree. Inder this oa" tree and on
those stairs was where many deep conversations too" place and se,ual tension had built up.
;! have to tell you something#; Bictoria told me after many nights of meeting there.
;hat is it0; ! as"ed as my curiosity spi"ed.
;!$m not sure ! can say it in words#; she smiled.
;.o say it an action0; ! suggested.
Bictoria placed her hand on the side of my face and leaned in to place her lips on mine. e made
out for a good few minutes until ! pulled away. ;That$s a good way to e,plain it. 9ou should e,plain
it to me a little bit more#; ! remar"ed bec"oning her bac" over. Bictoria wordlessly engaged her lips
with mine again and the night melted into a bliss.
Melissa# she had grown affectionate toward me and as"ed if ! would go to the movies with her. !
saw no harm in it. Throughout the movie she placed her hand on mine and rubbed her thumb
against the side of my palm continuously. At the end of the movie she played with her hair and
loo"ed at me li"e she had been in a trance. .he bit her lip and ! could tell she was begging for me to
"iss her. ! wasn$t attracted to her and went home leaving her without a "iss.
Bictoria and ! actually snuc" behind the stage curtains of the theater the ne,t morning and made
out. This time ! reached my hands under her shirt and slid my hand under her bra while e,ploring
the rest of her body. e tacitly gave each other the status of being in a relationship. e didn$t need
to tal" about it and or as" each other e both "new that we were e,clusive.
! met Bictoria under the oa" tree again for the tenth time that wee". e continued to do the same
activities we did every other night& "iss# caress each other# and tal" about what she wanted to do
when she was on her birth control once again. .he eventually complained she had to go and ! went
bac" home and poured myself a strong drin" li"e ! did almost every other night.
! chec"ed my email and found more death threats from 'eah and her friends# ! had been getting
them ever since the summer. ! sent her bac" some of her own medicine thin"ing nothing of it.
My phone indicated that ! %ust received a te,t message. ! grabbed my phone to see that it was
from Melissa.;3ey Jordan# it$s my friend .ydney$s 2irthday tonight and we$re going drin"ing
downtown. :an you come0;
! agreed and sent Melissa my reply. .he arranged that we meet at the bus stop that was at the core
of the town$s main street G it was only a five minute wal" from my house.
hen ! had reached the bus stop# ! approached a large group that consisted of a do+en girls.
There was a really short girl named .ydney G the birthday girl# G and a pair of twins that went by
the names of (icole and Jessica.
.ydney had brown hair with a reddish tint# brown eyes# and a face full of frec"les. .he had a
care-free attitude about herself and was very outgoing. .he dressed li"e a s"ater pun" and used
more slang than you could fit into a dictionary.
(icole and Jessica were identical twins and had opposite opinions of me. *rom the moment
(icole and ! met she was intrigued by me. *rom the moment Jessica and ! met# she had shown great
distaste for me. They were both tall# slender# brown haired# ha+el eye$d# and dressed in preps
clothing.
Among other girls ! had met were Amber# 3a+en# and *elica. ! had recogni+ed Amber from my
dance class but had never officially met her and ! "new 3a+en because ! had met her randomly at a
bush party years ago.
! made some %o"es as ! entered the group and threw on a humorous personality. *elica$s body
language became very inviting toward me and she laughed at all my %o"es.
Melissa$s face flic"ered with %ealousy and she came over to greet me with a tight hug. Melissa
as"ed what ! was up to before ! came down. ! told her ! was planning on going for a drive and
Melissa frowned at the idea since !-d told her about a night !$d already gotten into an accident. G !
clipped the rear corner of the new car against a truc".
.he demanded the "eys to the car but ! was unwilling to give them up. Melissa began to step
closer toward me with hostility. ! bac"ed away and went across the street where the area
transitioned to suburban. ! "new Melissa would follow and this was a ploy to bring her away from
the crowd. hat ! didn$t e,pect was (icole# that followed closely behind her.
Melissa tac"led me into the grass of someone-s yard and reached her hand into my poc"et. ;9ou
have no sense of someone$s personal place4; ! stated loudly. My comment didn$t phase Melissa& she
ripped the "ey from my poc"et. ! started toward her but as ! did she tossed it over to (icole where
she placed them into her bra.
;/on$t thin" ! won$t go down there#; ! said sternly while e,tending my hand for them bac".
;9eah# not happening#; (icole said proudly to herself li"e she had %ust done a good deed.
;!f you give me my "eys bac"#; ! started# ;! will...; ! cut off trying to thin" of what ! could
possibly offer.
;(ope# you$re not getting them bac" until the end of the night#; she said in the same proud tone
and wal"ed bac" across the street and re%oined the group. ! decided getting my "eys bac" later
would be a good idea if ! needed something to initiate more conversation with her later in the night.
Melissa pulled me aside while the rest of the group sociali+ed.
;e$ve been tal"ing for wee"s and this is the first time we$ve actually hung out together#; !
stated.
;)h yeah# ! %ust noticed that#; she said flirtatiously with her s<uea"y voice.
;(icole better give my "eys bac" or !$m going to hold you responsible#; ! told Melissa.
;)r what0; Melissa challenged.
! "new Melissa was attracted to me. !t was more than obvious& her persistence with trying to tal"
to me# the random hugs# multiple compliments# and the flirtatious tone of her voice when she spo"e
to me.
;)r you won$t earn a "iss from me#8 ! threatened.
;! wouldn$t mind "issing you#; she admitted almost at a loss of words. .he desired it but never
e,pected it to be a possibility.
!n the impulsiveness of the moment# ! leaned forward and gave Melissa a steady pec". Melissa$s
smile glowed through her lips and her chee"s turned flush with red. !$m not sure why ! "issed her#
curiosity probably. ! felt li"e !$d regret it. Melissa was clearly infatuated with me but ! loo"ed at her
more as a friend. ! "new that by "issing her# ! had probably %ust made any of her future advances
and persistence stronger.
;e should get bac" to the group#; ! said plainly.
Melissa and ! wal"ed bac" across the street and re%oined the group. As ! engaged *elica in more
conversation# ! tried not to ma"e eye contact with Melissa# who was still staring at me with content
and passion.
The birthday girl# .ydney# announced that she needed someone to help her find a bootleg for
smo"es.
;! can help you find some smo"es#; ! offered in hope to distance myself from Melissa.
.ydney and ! then parted from the group to a gas station a couple bloc"s away. .ydney turned
out to be very interesting.
;.o why have ! never seen you before# birthday girl0;
.ydney had e,plained to me that she had %ust moved to (elson from *ort .as"atchewan. G a
town %ust outside Edmonton.
;.o how do you li"e living in the pot smo"ing capital of :anada0; ! as"ed .ydney.
;!t$s dope shit. ! love it here#8 she replied.
! approached a shady loo"ing man outside the gas station and as"ed if he could grab a pac" of
smo"es for us. The man obliged and .ydney handed him a twenty.
;3ow old are you today0;
;!t$s my sweet si,teen today# man. ! want tonight to be fuc"ing dan".;
The man came bac" out and handed .ydney the cigarettes.
;:an you get us alcohol too0; .ydney as"ed me in hopefulness.
;(ot a very well planned birthday party#; ! laughed as .ydney handed me thirty dollars. ;hat
ma"es you thin" !$m any better at getting li<uor0;
;9ou$re already drun"#; .ydney chuc"led# ;you must have connections.;
! approached a few men outside the li<uor store that refused. G one even gave a lecture about
how teenagers shouldn$t be drin"ing. G A man eventually assisted me and ! re%oined .ydney and the
group with a bottle of whis"ey.
;'et$s go drin" at Gyro#; *elica recommended.
Gyro was a city par" that was built upon a ridge that you could see the whole town from.
hen we reached Gyro 1ar"# we wal"ed through an area of shrubs and sat down in a circle
under a canopy of trees. e began passing the bottle around after each of us too" a shot. Melissa
and Amber couldn$t handle any amount of li<uor at all. They too" about three shots each and
weren$t able to stand on two feet almost immediately.
The night turned into a disaster.
Melissa and Amber were screaming immaturely about things that didn$t ma"e any sense. Amber
ran further into the bush and dropped herself to the ground and began crying for what seemed li"e
no reason at all.
3alf the group shot unimpressed glances off to each other and decided to leave due to the
uninhibited and mentally strange behaviour. 3a+en# *elica# and Jessica had decided to leave with
the rest of the group. )nly .ydney# (icole# and ! had remained with Melissa and Amber.
Melissa stood up and %umped into my arms. ;! love you# Jordan#; she said with a smug smile on
her face. Melissa$s body weight collapsed in my arms and ! gentle lowered her into grass. Melissa
got bac" up and shot me a seductive glare.
! had to get out of there.
As ! had begun to leave the par"# .ydney had grabbed my arm. ;here are you going0; she
as"ed in a panic# her beady eyes pleading for me to stay# ;1lease don$t leave me to ta"e care of them
by myself.;
;Alright#; ! replied in surrender# ;!$ll go chec" on Amber and you can restrain Melissa.
;! want to go home#; (icole whined as she sat down on top of a large roc".
! wal"ed over to Amber and Melissa began to follow. .ydney bloc"ed Melissa and held her bac".
;Jordan4 ! thought you li"ed me. hats wrong0 Am ! not good loo"ing enough0 !t$s o"ay# ! won$t
tell my boyfriend about you. !t$ll be a secret#; Melissa shouted at me.
! fro+e where ! stood. .he had a boyfriend and she was hitting on me so aggressively. ! was
already nec" deep in drama.
Amber$s sobs had become apparent to me. ! continued on and "nelt down beside her.
;hat$s wrong0; ! as"ed sympathetically.
;Their$s too much going on. ! don$t "now what to do. Everyone left# everyone hates me#; Amber
spo"e between sobs.
;(o one hates you#; ! assured her# ;their$s %ust a little too much going on for everyone to handle.;
;Jordan# am ! attractive0; she as"ed me open-heartedly while more tears ran down her face.
;9ou$re o"ay#; ! said gently.
;! try so hard to get you to notice me in dance class but it seems li"e you never see me.;
;! see you#; ! lied trying to calm her#;you$re a great dancer.;
Amber hastily grabbed onto my arm and pulled herself up while she brushed her lips against
mine.
! bac"ed away. .hit# she "issed me# ! thought to myself# ! really hope Melissa didn$t see that. !
loo"ed up to see .ydney still trying to restrain Melissa with much difficulty.
;!$ll be right bac"# stay here#; ! told Amber while ! went bac" to help .ydney. Melissa noticed me
come out from behind the tree and escaped .ydney$s grasp. .he ran bac" into my arms and "issed
me. 3er lipstic" smeared from her lips and onto my mouth and chee".
;Melissa# thats enough4; ! shouted while pulling away from her and wiping the lipstic" off my
face.
Melissa dropped to the ground and burst into tears. ! felt bad because she had been the most
positive and "ind figure in my life for the last month. Infortunately that didn$t e,cuse the fact that
she was a lunatic when she was drun" and had a boyfriend.
;)h# ! feel sic"#; (icole announced from the roc" as she propped her chin in the palm of her
hand. ! sat beside (icole and let out a big sigh.
;Are you o"ay0; ! as"ed.
;9eah# !$m good. !$m %ust really bored and unhappy#; she replied.
.ydney shot me a glare for trying to sociali+e instead of helping her.
;.omething that helps when you$re feeling sic" is...; ! stated loudly enough %ust for .ydney to
hear.
.ydney turned away approvingly and (icole let out a short chuc"le because she "new e,actly
what was going on.
! found (icole to be most attractive girl there. .he was a prep& at the top of the social chain. 3er
brown hair and ha+el eyes were the same attributes *ordyce had. .he seemed level headed and
understood the situation from my point of view.
;Irgh4 Jordan# loo" at me4 'oo" at me# Jordan4; Melissa screamed desperately for my attention.
! paid no attention to the cra+ed girl until she screamed a $*uc" you4$ at me and burst into tears
again. .he dropped to the ground and pretended to roll down the hill ma"ing sounds of e,aggerated
agony. .he then rolled herself to a level part of the ground and around a tree which couldn$t have
been possible by natural physics. ! coc"ed my head in bewilderment. Melissa was throwing on a
drun"en act for my attention.
;.he would$ve stopped after the fourth roll#; ! said to (icole while observing.
;Agreed#; she replied.
;e really should find a way to get her and Amber home.;
;3ow can we do that0;
;ell# you seem pretty sober. !$m a great driver# even under the influence#; ! %o"ed# ;with your
awareness and my driving s"ills# we$d ma"e a great team4;
(icole laughed and leaned onto my shoulder. ;Than" you#; she said. ! assumed for cheering her
up.
Just then# ! noticed that the bottle of whis"ey was still laying on the ground nearly full. ! stood
up# grabbed the bottle# unscrewed the lid and too" a shot. (icole nudged me indicating that she
wanted one too. ! handed the bottle to her and we spent the ne,t twenty minutes laughing and
flirting. ! too" one last shot of whis"ey and then felt bold enough to %ust "iss her. ! leaned in# laid
my hand over her chee" and "issed her with a tenseful edge. .he "issed me bac".
.he had never "issed a guy before G or at least ! believed. G .he continuously darted her tongue
in and out of my mouth. .he eventually left her tongue in my mouth and moved it around aimlessly
li"e a fish out of water.
! closed my mouth till our "iss came to a steady# long pec". ! slowly escalated into a french "iss
to direct her how to "iss properly. .he followed the movements of my lips and began to mirror
them. 7That$s better#8 ! said lightly.
A devastating scream ignited into the air as Melissa found (icole and ! "issing. ;9ou fuc"ing
bitch. !$m going to "ill you4; Melissa screamed at (icole as her sister# Jessica# followed behind
closely. (icole sat silently with a loo" of guilt on her face.
Melissa lashed out forward to hurt (icole. ! stood up <uic"ly and intervened Melissa$s lunge.
Melissa continued to scream while trying to get around me and at (icole# ! was not letting Melissa
past me. ! had already felt the need to protect (icole& ! strangely felt responsible for her.
;9ou slut#; Jessica called her sister condescendingly.
;hat did ! do0; (icole said defensively.
;9ou$re "issing that man-whore4 'oo" at what he did to Melissa. 3e$s a player.;
;Melissa$s %ust drun"#; (icole argued# ;he didn$t do anything.;
;Than"s for telling me# Jessica. (ow ! "now ! can never trust your whore of a sister again#;
Melissa said hatefully.
;9ou bitch#; ! said to Jessica# ;you brought Melissa over here to show her this. 9ou$re trying to
cause drama.;
;9ou even "issed Amber#; Jessica pushed.
;)"ay#; ! shouted# ;enough of this bullshit. !$m going to set the record straight. Melissa# !
should$ve made this clear but ! don$t have feelings for you. 9ou$re better off as a friend to me.
Amber# you damn well "now you "issed me. And as for (icole# well ! li"e her. ! get a choice# o"ay.;
Melissa began to cry uncontrollably again. ! felt Melissa was no longer a threat to (icole so !
wal"ed over to her and gave her a hug. ;!$m sorry# Melissa# ! shouldn$t have "issed you earlier.
9ou$ll ma"e a great friend to me if you can accept what happened tonight.;
;Trevor$s here4; Jessica announced happily and ran over to a figure in the dar" approaching us.
7That guy over there has been playing your girlfriend#8 ! heard her say as she pointed to me.
Than" god# ! thought to myself. !t was obvious Trevor was Melissa$s boyfriend. ;Good# someone
can ta"e responsibility for Melissa now#; ! said in spite to show my disinterest in Melissa.
Trevor approached me. ! couldn$t see his face under the shadowed canopy of tree branches. !
leaned Melissa outward toward her boyfriend. Trevor too" her into his arms# reached his hand out#
and s<uee+ed my bicep# digging his nails into it. hat the fuc"# ! thought to myself about to engage
in defense. 3e undug his nails off my body and held Melissa while muttering some whispers into
her ear. !t wasn$t until then ! got a chance to observe what he loo"ed li"e. 3e wore a weathere# red
hoody with s"inny %eans and had long blac" hair that covered his eyes. ! nearly laughed. The way
Jessica said $Trevor$s here4$ ! imagined some big tough guy that would put us all in our place.
'oo"ing at Trevor then# ! thought that if ! playfully slugged him in the shoulder he might fall over.
Although wea" and pathetic# he later proved himself to be an annoyance and pain in the ass for as
long as ! pro%ected interest into (icole.
Trevor had seemed to have been "eeping Melissa preoccupied so ! started to wal" away with
(icole. ! thought the drama was done until Melissa screamed out once more.
;*uc" off# Trevor4 ! don$t love you anymore#; Melissa scoffed# ;! found someone better.;
Melissa ran bac" into my arms again. ! decided to ta"e the noble approach this time. ;Melissa#
here is a guy who loves you and wants to ta"e care of you. !$m not right for you. ! was never right
for you. Trevor seems to be a nice guy. !t$s not my place to ta"e you from him.;
Melissa started to become sober and she began listening to my reason. .he apologi+ed to (icole
and went home with Trevor.
Amber followed Melissa and Trevor since she lived close to Melissa$s house. ! too" (icole by
the hand and traveled far into the bushes where we wouldn$t be interrupted. ! began to "iss her
more.
.ydney then came out of nowhere. ;Jordan4 9ou said you were going to help me ta"e care of
everyone and instead you %ust go around and ma"e out with everyone here. !t$s my birthday and !
had to ta"e care of everyone on it4 ! can$t believe this4; she ranted in frustration.
(icole too" off somewhere to avoid the drama.
.ydney# she was cute. ! wanted to "iss her# my into,icated self e,plained to me. ! thought ! could
find the right words to ma"e her "iss me.
;.ydney# !$m sorry. ! understand how this must$ve loo"ed from your point of view and ! don$t
blame you. Melissa# ! honestly couldn$t stop her from "issing me. Amber# she too" me by surprise
and ! wal"ed away after that. (icole# now that was entirely my fault# that was purely out of
into,ication. ! en%oyed your company before all this crap# you$re li"e me# mature beyond our years.
! didn$t even want to "iss anyone tonight e,cept for you but my into,icated self got the better of me.
!t let me be careless and indecisive# but the only girl ! still want to "iss tonight is you#; ! bullshitted.
;)"ay#; .ydney accepted openly.
;May ! "iss you0; ! as"ed li"e a gentleman.
.ydney pressed her lips to mine for half a second and <uic"ly wal"ed away.
Moments later someone had shoved me to the ground forcefully. !t was 3a+en# she came bac".
.he spread her legs over my body and leaned down to ma"e out with me. .he shoved her tongue in
my mouth and ! could taste vod"a in her saliva.
! didn$t mind 3a+en coming on to me li"e that. ! en%oyed every moment of it# however# ! was
aware of (icole and .ydney$s presence in the distance. ! "issed her bac" as much as ! could without
ma"ing it seem li"e ! had welcomed it.
;3a+en# get off him4; .ydney shouted when she reali+ed what was going on.
3a+en ignored .ydney and darted her tongue into my mouth once more. ! "iss her bac" for a
moment and pulled away without drawing suspicion to the mutual en%oyment.
;9ou have to get off me# o"ay0; ! said li"e ! was trying to reason with her and then pulled her
down for a another "iss. ;'oo" 3a+en#; ! said as ! pulled bac" again# ;! don$t feel that way about
you.; and pulled her down for another "iss.
3a+en had shown the most confused loo" !$d ever seen but continued to place her lips on mine.
That was the final time ! could let it happen. ;3a+en# get off me4; ! said with authority.
;*ine# fuc" you48 she shouted before getting up and leaving.
! pic"ed myself up off the ground and smir"ed with the mental number of si, girls in my head#
that was the first time ! made that record in a single night# and it wouldn$t be the last.
.o that was what happened when you were the only guy in a group of intensely into,icated
women# but that night was purely luc". ! %ust happened to be in a position to show dominance and
authority over the certain individuals in the group. ! %ust happened to already have peer approval
wor"ing on my side. ! did a lot of things right that night# but also did a lot of things wrong.
! played my way to a few e,tra "isses# but ! was honest for the most part. Melissa# Amber# and
3a+en were out of my control. ! capitali+ed on my luc". And that might have been morally
dishonest.
.ydney# (icole# and Bictoria happened by my own hand. (icole happened out of pure attraction#
! wanted to "iss her because ! felt genuine interest for her. ! was also mildly attracted to .ydney# she
was beginning to grow on me.
! was testing my limits and still rebuilding myself. !# ultimately# didn$t "now who ! was yet.
.omeone who let go of his moralistic values or someone who did the right thing. hat ! did "now
was that ! felt more wanted than ! ever did. ! thought that would come with the feeling of
importance. !t did not. !f not ma"ing out with si, girls ! barely "now in one night# then what did it
ta"e to ma"e me feel important0 ! thin" deep down# ! "new these petty high school girls didn$t add
to a bigger plan.
! was wor"ing toward some bigger plan in my life# ! %ust didn$t "now what it was yet.
! had wal"ed (icole home which was about an hour wal" from Gyro par". .he was e,tremely
grateful that ! made the effort to ta"e her home and offered me her phone number. ! put it into my
phone with the promise of calling her the ne,t morning.
! returned home staring at my ceiling that seemed to have been moving side to side due to my
into,ication. /espite all the primitive feelings ! had endured that night# something had awa"ened in
me. !t too" me months to find a woman to se,ually attract and engage physically and then after
couple months to find another to do %ust that& when in the summertime ! was bringing in dates li"e
the daily newspaper and that night ! had "issed si, women that desired to "iss me bac". There was a
pattern emerging and ! had the ability to figure out the "ey to unloc"ing the door to attraction.
'ittle did ! "now& there was a secret underground community that collectively built attraction to a
science. ! was yet to discover it.
Chapter 2
Emotion And Logi
! had (icole on my mind for <uite some time after wa"ing up. ! fulfilled my promise and called
her. .he was happy to hear from me but was troubled.
;Melissa is turning everyone against me because of last night#; (icole told me# ;All my friends
don$t want anything to do with me and my sister is spreading rumors about us. .he$s been telling
everyone that !$m some "ind of whore with you. :an ! please see you0;
;!$d love to see you. !$m sorry that all this is happening. !f ! didn$t "iss you# none of this would be
going on.;
;(o# !$m glad you "issed me. Everyone is %ust being so immature.;
;!$ll tal" to Melissa. .ee if we can all "eep the peace. .o when do you want to see me0;
;henever possible.;
;Tonight# at the mall0 'ets go for coffee.;
;.ure# that sounds great.;
After getting off the phone with (icole# ! gave Melissa a call. Melissa claimed that she didn$t
remember anything from the previous night G ! believed that to be a lie G but she did remember
"issing me and it was the most ama+ing thing she ever felt. Amber stayed the night at Melissa$s and
too" the phone from Melissa to tell me that she didn$t mean what she said the night before about
wanting me to notice her G which ! also believed to be a lie G so ! should forget it.
hen ! went to school# .ydney had approached me within the hallways. ;/id you really "iss all
of us last night0; she as"ed. 2efore ! could get a word in she muttered ;1layer#; with a bitterness
and wal"ed away.
hile wal"ing to my class ! couldn$t help feeling somewhat guilty over .ydney$s opinion of me.
! "issed si, girls in one night G none of them "nowing of eachother at the time. !$m sure it would$ve
been perfectly acceptable if ! pursued all those girls on different days. !t was the fact that ! had done
it in the same night that was frowned upon.
!t was a double standard to me: most women ! "new found it perfectly fine to date multiple men
at once till they chose the one they found most suitable& e,cept most women despised men who
dated multiple women and acted as if it were %ust as inappropriate as cheating. The greatest double
standard women had created is that they fight for e<ual rights as men# they wish to be able to do and
e,press themselves the same ways men do& but at the same time e,pect men to be the ones to as"
them out# to pay for their dates# to support and nurture them. here is the e<uality in that0
!n the evening# ! had shown up at the mall waiting for (icole. To my surprise# when (icole
showed up# .ydney was there with her. ! couldn$t believe the chances. ! had an interest in only two
girls in the entire town and they were both before me. They were obviously spea"ing to eachother
and this was a setup.
! casually acted li"e this had been a mere coincidence. ! disregarded what .ydney said to me
earlier and en%oyed her company. ! conversed with the two and threw on the coc"y funny attitude !
usually used to flirt. e visited various stores in the mall and ! encouraged the girls to try out some
ridiculous clothing while they were trying to slip me into pin" leather %ac"ets and tight tan" tops.
e had some good laughs and ! could tell they were en%oying my free spirit attitude.
.ydney became very engaged with me during the night. (icole wasn$t nearly as engaged as
.ydney# she felt withdrawn. (icole started complaining that she felt sic" so we went outside after !
suggested that the fresh air might be able to help her. (icole complained even further about her
sic"ness and called a family member to come pic" her up.
(icole "ept her distance down the sidewal"# completely withdrawn from both .ydney and !. !
decided to %oin (icole to unveil some of the tension that seemed to have formed.
;3ow come you feel sic"0; ! as"ed.
;! don$t "now.;
;here do you feel sic".;
;'i"e everywhere.;
;)h# well do you thin" you$re going to be o"ay0;
;! don$t "now.;
)ne thing ! could not stand was spea"ing to a monosyllabic girl. (icole couldn$t have been more
vague. ! let her be and wal"ed bac" over to .ydney.
Minutes later# a truc" pulled up and (icole as"ed .ydney for a private word %ust before leaving.
.ydney wal"ed over to (icole and they began spea"ing <uietly %ust enough for me to not be able to
hear. .ydney came bac" over as (icole %umped into the vehicle and left.
.ydney e,plained to me that (icole went into submission and surrendered to her. ;9ou can have
Jordan. ! want him but ! don$t feel well and ! want to go home. ! hope he ma"es you happy.; .ydney
<uoted (icole.
7hat do you mean she went into submission and surrendered to you08
7! li"e you# it should be obvious enough.8
7(ot <uite. .o (icole does want me08
79eah# dude.8
;)h# well thats disappointing#; ! replied.
;hy0; .ydney as"ed.
;!t$s almost insulting that a girl who li"es me would give up so easily.;
.ydney and ! wal"ed up town to the main street. e sat on a pla+a bench and tal"ed about each
other. ! as"ed what brought her to (elson. ;(icole#; she replied# ;she$s my half-cousin and things
were getting pretty rough in *ort .as"atchewan for me. .o ! came here.;
*uc" my life. ! was getting involved between two cousins again. ! mentioned history repeating
itself# didn$t !0
;.ounds pretty fuc"ed up. .o when you say rough...; ! as"ed .ydney.
;My mom started doing co"e again and blew all our money. .he couldn$t pay rent anymore and !
had nowhere to stay. My step-dad moved here and lives with (icole$s mom.
;!$m sorry to hear that#; ! told .ydney as ! was in awe over her circumstances. Ever since ! met
.ydney# ! recogni+ed a defining amount of maturity in her. ! was intrigued by it because she was
young. G A couple years younger than myself.
.ydney inched closer to me and rested her head on my shoulder as we tal"ed. ! than"ed her for
stic"ing around with me even though (icole had left. ;ell yeah# !$m not going to %ust ditch you
li"e that. 9ou came to meet us and then we ta"e off after thirty minutes. !$m not li"e that# dude.;
;May ! as" you a sensitive <uestion0; ! as"ed.
;.hoot.;
;9ou called me a player earlier today. !f that$s how you feel than why did you come here tonight
and why are you still associating yourself with me0;
;e were all drun"# shit happens. ! thin" !$m %ust mad at myself because ! actually fell for what
you said to me and let you tal" me into "issing you.;
;3ow did you "now ! was being dishonest0;
;hen you made plans with (icole tonight. 9ou obviously li"e her and ! can tell you li"e me
too. 9ou$re going to have to choose one us#; .ydney deviously smiled.
!t was getting late and ! wal"ed .ydney to the bus stop where she was ready to catch a bus home.
2efore .ydney wal"ed onto the bus# she had warned me# ;2e careful who you choose# don$t e,pect
(icole to put out.;
! appreciated that .ydney stayed with me when (icole was unwilling too but ! didn$t want to
dismiss (icole yet. There was chemistry and a bond the first night ! met her. ! wanted to see if that
was still there.
! had begun to grow increasingly attracted to both (icole and .ydney. ! learned they were both
growing increasingly attracted to me# and ! was still stuc" between a decision.
My plan was to hang out with them individually until ! was able to choose. ! could become as
romantically involved with both as much as ! pleased without it interfering with one another# but at
no point was ! able to hang out with either one alone. They had made sure that they were always
with each other when going to see me and they were going to "eep hanging out with me li"e that
until ! chose one of them. !t was such an devious plan# they had no idea that ! was intending to
become romantically invovled with both of them# but they were well prepared for it.
! te,ted them both very fre<uently. ! found that ! could word things very well with either (icole
or .ydney. ! felt ! worded certain things with intelligence and approval so ! began mimic"ing the
conversations with both of them. !f ! said the right things to .ydney# ! would say them to (icole and
vice versa. ! was worried that they might be communicating with eachother and syncing their
conversations with me. Just li"e they were doing with their plans# so naturally# ! too" precautions. !
wrote the same things to them but worded them differently so it didn$t loo" li"e ! was giving off
automated messages.
(icole# much of the time seemed li"e she lac"ed intelligence. .he commonly acted li"e a dumb
blonde. .he was a slave to her emotions but that made her compassionate and gave her a great
capacity for love. !ntelligence aside# she slipped up and sent me a few messages that were meant for
.ydney.
;.ydney# he said this to me.; (icole replied with a copied te,t message enclosing my e,act
words to her# ;hat should ! say bac"0;
! was now glad to ta"e the precautions ! did and needed to ta"e even further precautions. The
smart thing to do would be to %ust choose one of them and be done with the fiasco# but ! still
couldn$t bring myself to a decision. ! e<ually wanted them both.
The same routine continued for nearly a month. At first# ! would continue trying to ma"e plans
with only .ydney or (icole but as they continued showing up together# ! gave in and only made
plans with one or the other only to e,pect them both.
! still occasionally hung out with Melissa and convinced her and (icole to ma"e up. After a
heartfelt apology# they were bac" to being good friends. ! slightly regretted it afterword as Melissa
had begun to ta"e away from my time with (icole. hen as"ing (icole to hang out she would tell
me that she was at Melissa$s house and couldn$t# or that she had plans with Melissa on that day. !
turned to .ydney afterword and .ydney refused to hang out with me as well because she said
(icole had to be there too unless ! was ready to ma"e my choice between them. ! did the only
smart thing ! thought ! could do: ! started inviting Melissa# (icole# and .ydney out as a group.
! stole my parent$s car again and too" .ydney# (icole# and Melissa for a drive. e had a lot of
fun that night but (icole-s sister# Jessica# had "nown what (icole was doing. Jessica warned (icole
not to get into my car before she left but (icole had ignored her.
(icole-s sister# Jessica# still hated me. !t was how ! could tell the twins apart in the hallway at
school& one twin smiled at me and the other %ust gave me a dirty loo".
e had a good time driving around in the vehicle. ! was speeding down empty suburban
neighbourhoods and blasting music on the top notch sound system. ! was trying to ma"e sure (icole
was en%oying herself and ! could leave a good impression with her.
! let (icole drive the Matri,# she$d never driven before so it was going to be an interesting
e,perience. ! too" her to an empty par"ing lot outside a al-Mart and switched seats with her.
.ydney wanted to see it for "ic"s so she got in the bac" seat. (icole sat down in the driver-s seat
and as"ed ;hat do ! do now0; ! shifted the gear for her and the car rolled J feet until (icole
stomped on the brea". My head %olted forward and nearly hit the dashboard while .ydney nearly
flipped into the front of the car.
;3oly fuc"4; .ydney shouted# deciding to get out and watch from a safe distance.
;)"ay that-s enough for tonight4; ! told (icole.
(icole begged me to let her drive more but there was no way ! was letting her do this in a brand
new car# especially after paying to get it fi,ed for clipping the corner against a truc".
(icole then got a call from her dad. !t turned out Jessica told her dad that (icole was in a car
with me. (icole$s parents called .ydney$s father who came and pic"ed up all of the girls and put an
end to our night.
(icole te,ted me at the end of the night to let me "now that her father grounded her for two
wee"s and wasn$t allowed to hang out outside of school during that time as a result. .he also
informed me that .ydney$s father was going to call the school in the morning and tell them about
me driving illegally and with other girls in the car.
The morning after the night before# ! was pulled out of my dance class and into the 1rincipal$s
office. ;/o you "now why you$re here0; he as"ed.
;1robably because of a pissed off father#; ! smir"ed and said in a disregarding tone.
The principal seemed to have let out a small smir" as well.
! e,plained that whether ! had the right documents to drive my car by myself or not was none of
the school$s business. The principal "new ! was right and allowed me to go bac" to class.
The ne,t day# .ydney-s father called (icole$s parents to tell them about me and made me out to
be this guy that was corrupting their girls. (icole-s parents then banned her from seeing me.
.ydney$s father also banned her from seeing me# but that didn$t stop either of them.
.hortly after# rumors about me were being spread between parents and among school. ! had been
driving girls around late at night# pushing ecstasy on them# and having se, with them. !t was an
interesting rumor since !$d only had se, once and had never done a drug in my life.
(icole was banned from seeing me# .ydney was banned from seeing me# Trevor# Melissa$s
boyfriend# had banned Melissa from continuing to see me. They had all been disobedient and saw
me whenever possible. 3owever# ! was only able to see them at a small fraction of the rate ! was
used to.
This complicated everything.
! felt that ! only had Bictoria to turn to. Bictoria was starting to be welcomed into a stereotyped
group and ! was beginning to see less of her too.
Girls# girls# girls. hy was it always about them0
.oon after# ! was hit with mild depression. ! was alone for most nights and the time ! got with
any of the girls was too seldom. The little ! had didn$t seem li"e enough anymore.
! was still somewhat of a social outcast within my school. ! got to hear about parties# about who
fuc"ed who# and who pu"ed their guts out on the last .aturday. ! wanted to be# but never got the
chance to become part of it.
! couldn$t understand why ! didn$t cliche with these groups. ! cliched with the same stereotypes
when they were in other cities. 'ee and his band of friends were party animals. They were usually
the ones who held the parties most tal"ed about.
Girls who were obtainable to me in other cities were out of my league in (elson. ! couldn$t
figure out why my results were so diluted in my home town. ! reali+ed that it was because ! was
already sentenced with a stereotype. ! noticed that the people who stuc" together in elementary
school were still in the same groups five years later. ! was the "id everyone pic"ed on in elementary
school# and ! was still labeled as the loser five years later and the peers who were labeled $loser$ in
elementary still held the same status despite their changes.
! began to notice things& small things. The twitch in the corner of someone-s eye# the aw"ward
shift in someones body posture# and the slight <uaver in someones voice when they were nervous.
1eople were flawed. More specifically the ones who posed as authority figures. 1arents and teachers
ali"e had the potential to be more flawed than !.
! noticed a pattern emerging: those of us labeled losers in elementary school were still the losers
in highschool and the boys who showed leadership on the elementary school playground were the
ones all the girls gossiped and tal"ed about. G This was not a coincidence.
!t didn$t ma"e sense. 'abels couldn$t have carried so far for so many years. This wasn$t about
labels& this was about the elementary school e,perience. ! later learned that the way people are in
high school affects and has the ability to determine the success and way a student turns out in their
adult life.
Elementary school& discrimination and leaving certain people out was a regular practice. This
formed a level of self-esteem. hether you were the ;cool "id; or ;the loser; you were affected by
high levels of conformity. The younger you are# the greater effect it has on the developing mind. As
an adult# the brain is already developed and adults are less prone to change and adaption. As a child
your developing brain has a vast capacity to change and be tender to influence.
.o as a child if you were discriminated against or abused& you were prone to enduring the same
levels of self esteem and personality disorders that were originally introduced at a young age. !n
highschool& having that type of mind development pushes you further into your stereotype.
.o the ;cool "ids; grow up to be popular adolescences in highschool and the ;losers; continue
being loo"ed upon poorly into highschool. !t was a flawed system# but no one dared challenge
nature# especially human nature when it was so brutal and condemning.
!t depressed me to come to this reali+ation. ! reached out to friends more needfully only to find
them pull away. ! "new many people# but not on the deep connective levels ! felt ! reached out to
Bictoria with. ! wanted to meet her# e,plained that it was important and ! really needed someone at
this point in time. .he promised me five minutes.
! met her under the oa" tree. ;!$m going through a really tough time right now#8 ! told her. ;Thin"
you can spare some e,tra time0; ! as"ed hopefully.
;!$m busy#; Bictoria responded plainly li"e ! had merely inconvenienced her.
;2usy with what0; ! countered offensively.
;Im...homewor"#; she lied carelessly.
! put endless hours listening to her and her feelings no matter how needy she came off and how
pathetic it made her sound. The tables were turned and she didn$t have a sliver of compassion for
me. hatever she wanted from me was physical. .he tal"ed about se, during our nights of
conversation and ! reali+ed how selfish she was acting. 3ow important was her apparent homewor"
anyway0 .he didn$t care about grades as she plainly stated it to me a few days ago.
;hatever#; ! told her as ! turned my bac" to her to wal" home.
;2ye#; she said in a cheery voice li"e she had found amusement in my bitterness.
! "new what was going on. !t was the new stereotyped group she was welcomed into. A group
that belittled me. Bictoria learned about my low reputation and treated me differently for it.
! went bac" to my house# %ust before ! entered# my parents pulled up in the driveway. They both
had grave faces on them.
;hat0; ! as"ed.
7e %ust got a call from the police. ould you li"e to tell us who 'eah is08
7*uc"#8 ! muttered to myself while feeling uneasy.
7The police told us that you$ve been threatening a girl in Edmonton and she wants to charge you.
They$ve opened up a case about you.8
7.hes an over-dramatic# trailer trash# physco bitch. .he$s been sending me death threats for more
than a month. ! sent )(E bac" to her and she$s trying to charge me08
The following hour was hell. My parents were relentless while screaming at me.
My parents had an event to go to and called a ta,i because they intended to drin". They left me at
the house alone.
ith Bictoria being a cold-hearted bitch that night and the bullshit 'eah was dishing out# ! was
unstable. ! flopped down in front of my computer des" while gulping down vod"a straight from the
bottle. ! could possibly get charged# all the girls ! li"ed could hardly see me# and the one girl !
turned to for help didn$t want anything to do with me.
! couldn$t stay cooped up in the house.
! began scanning through *aceboo"$s event page to see if anyone was throwing a party& nothing.
! wrote ;*uc" this town. This is bullshit.; on my profile status out of anger. ! got up# loo"ed in my
mother$s coat that she left home. ! found the set of car "eys in her poc"et that ! hoped would be
there.
As ! reached for the door "nob# my cell phone on the computer des" began bu++ing. The caller
!/ read ;.ydney.;
;3ello0; ! answered wondering what she wanted.
;3ey# ! saw your *aceboo" status. Everything o"ay0;
;*ine#; ! lied as ! too" another swig of vod"a.
;Are you drin"ing0; she as"ed. .he must$ve heard the alcohol falling down to the other end of
the bottle.
;!$m going for a drive#; ! said with finality to end the conversation.
;here0; .ydney replied instantly.
;! don$t "now. Maybe off a bridge or something#; ! said coldly.
;Jordan# you better not drive. 1romise me you won$t get into a car.;
;! can$t promise that.;
;9es# you can.;
;! won$t promise that#; ! said ta"ing another swig.
;/on$t ma"e me come all the way over there to ta"e your "eys from you#; she said threateningly.
! laughed at her hysterically.
;*ine#; she said# ;!$m coming.;
;!f you insist#; ! replied challengingly.
;9ou better be there to answer the door#; she told me %ust before hanging up.
! set the "eys down on the table# calmed down a bit# and actually began pouring my li<our into a
glass.
Twenty minutes later# ! heard a "noc" on the door. ! answered inviting .ydney inside.
.ydney$s eyes immediately glanced over to the "eys on the table. ! snatched them off the table
before she had a chance to attempt anything.
;3ey#; she shouted# ;what do you thin" you$re doing0;
;! may still decide to go out#; ! said playfully.
;/on$t you dare#; she replied as she wal"ed up and tore the "eys from my hand.
! sat down on the sofa and we both fell silent for a moment.
;! should than" you#; ! told her# ;! don$t thin" anyone else would$ve cared about me enough to
come.;
;ell# !$m not %ust anyone# and it$s what ! do#; she smiled and then sat on the sofa beside me. ;!
didn$t "now you had glasses#; she said gently.
! remembered how terrible ! loo"ed. ! had e,tremely low self-esteem in the moment and ! was
generally insecure and self conscious if ! did not loo" and feel my best.
;9eah# !$m not loo"ing my best right now#; ! responded flatly.
My hair was a mess# ! was wearing nerdy loo"ing glasses instead of the contacts ! usually wore#
my eyes had bags under them from sleepless nights# and my %eans were wet from spilling vod"a on
them.
;! thin" you loo" fine#; .ydney stated.
.ydney and ! left my house and wal"ed to a nearby par". e sat on a concrete bloc" and ! told
her about Bictoria and 'eah. ! admitted that they were what caused me to drin" as much as ! did and
the cause of my behaviour.
;The fuc"ing thing# though#; ! slurred# ;is that ! "new she would be a cold-hearted bitch. 2ut !
trusted her not to be. *uc"ing cunt# she...;
;9ou choose the worst girls#; .ydney interrupted# stopping me dead in my trac"s. ! smiled. ! felt
she was listening and understood. .he gave me the care Bictoria was incapable of. Although# neither
of us reali+ed it at the time# she created a pun against herself by saying ! $chose the worst girls.$
.ydney apologi+ed for the fact she had to go home and couldn$t stay the night at my home. ! had
never e,pected such a thing# however# she was gentle and careful enough to not only say the right
things to me# but word them the right way.
That night .ydney proved herself to be the one willing to put in the time and effort to ma"e it
wor". .ydney was more mature# understanding# intelligent# and more selfless than (icole# but !
couldn$t turn a blind eye toward (icole. Even though .ydney possessed all the <ualities (icole
didn$t# ! didn$t have the deep# sincere# and emotional connection that ! had with (icole. .ydney won
the logical choice# but (icole had won the emotional choice. Emotion was always more dominate
than logic.
Chapter 3
Ultimatum
2efore giving (icole and .ydney my final decision ! was sure ! was going to choose .ydney.
They had both confronted me with an ultimatum: 79ou have to choose one of us by twelve tonight
or you get neither of us.8 They told me together.
! wanted to call their bluff and continue to see them both# but they were right# it was time ! chose
one of them. ! was at the point where ! was ready to go further with both of them but couldn$t unless
! made the decision between them.
! was infatuated with (icole but her parents gave her strict rules so that she was not allowed to
see me. 3er own sister sold her out and would report to her parents everytime (icole snuc" out for
an e,tra OJ? allowance this month. ! was relieved to hear that (icole told me she didn-t care how
much trouble she got into# she wasn$t going to stop seeing me. Even though (icole had made that
decision she still couldn$t overcome her parents and our time seeing eachother was limited to only
an hour a night as her parents put a new curfew on her after her grounding.
.ydney# was still down to earth and was easy to ma"e plans with. Almost everytime ! as"ed her
to be# .ydney was there for me.
(icole had a more compassionate edge to her. (icole cared about me and convinced me to stop
drin"ing as much and stopped me from driving as rec"lessly as ! did. ! made the agreement that !
wouldn$t touch a drop of alcohol unless ! was in a social setting for her.
.ydney# she didn$t feel the large amounts of compassion or didn$t fall asleep with me on her mind
li"e (icole did. .ydney held only very basic attraction for me. This was good in it$s own ways& the
relationship could be more stable and if it didn$t wor" out# ! would have less heartache as oppose to
(icole.
*or the first time# ! chose security over ris"& logic over emotion.
! decided .ydney was going to be my new girlfriend. The decision was loc"ed in my head but !
wanted to wait till midnight to tell her in case ! had a change of heart.
Jordan *ordyce happened to call me that evening. ! as"ed *ordyce for her opinion and she told
me that she felt ! should go for (icole because ! clearly wanted her more. ! reminded *ordyce that
when ! followed my emotion with herself# it hadn$t ended well.
79ou "now# it$s funny#; ! said to *ordyce# ;you and (icole are so ali"e. 9ou both have the same
attributes& brown hair# ha+el eyes# and you both love bas"et ball. Although# she$s <uite the opposite
from you$re intelligence. .he ma"es me smile sometimes at how much of a blonde she can be. 7
7! really thin" you should go for (icole. .he$s the one you$re tal"ing about#8 *ordyce told me.
(icole messaged me about an hour after ! finished tal"ing to *ordyce. .he wanted to meet with
me before my answer was set in stone. ! met her at Gyro par" and sat with her on the swing sets.
;! want to tell you something before you ma"e up your mind#; she told me.
;Go ahead#; ! said confused. (icole was a very simple girl. .omething that frustrated me about
her was that she couldn$t put her feelings into words. .he could only simplify what she felt in the
easiest and most basic terms she "new.
! thought all the cards were on the table. ! was intrigued that there was something more (icole
had to lay out.
;9ou$re the first person ! ever felt li"e this with. ! was confused because ! didn$t "now what was
happening to me emotionally...!$m not good at this4; (icole panic"ed.
;9ou$re doing great. 6eep going#; ! encouraged.
;! spent so many nights upset because ! felt you li"ed .ydney more. ! want you to be happy but !
want to be happy too. ! love you.;
! felt an unsteady but a warming feeling in the center of my chest as she said her last three words.
(icole stood up from her swing and ! followed her to a nearby bench.
;! love you too.; ! told her.
(icole leaned into me# giving me a hug and buried her head into my chest for several minutes.
! said goodbye to (icole and reevaluated my decision.
At home# an hour to midnight# ! was wondering if ! should %ust flip a goddamn coin or as" an
)ui%i board. .ydney was no longer my choice. (icole had told me how she really felt about me and
there was no way ! could ignore that.
! devised two separate te,t messages# one for .ydney# and one for (icole.
7(icole# you$re more comple, than most of the other options out there# but you have such a vast
heart and that ma"es you special. 9ou$re filled with this great capacity for love# compassion# and
heartfelt emotion& it always leaves a certain breath-ta"ing feeling in my chest. ! choose you#
(icole.8
7.ydney# ! loved every moment we spent together. 9ou$re so mature and the most down to earth
girl ! ever "new. ! always feel at peace with you in my presence. ! wish ! didn$t have such a hard
decision to ma"e because !$d love nothing more than to continue getting to "now you on the
personal level that we have been. !f it$s any consolation# ! was sure it was going to be you for the
longest time. !$m sorry# ! %ust feel a much stronger connection with (icole.8
! chose (icole and .ydney didn$t appear to be happy about that.
A half-hour after letting (icole "now that ! wanted her to be my girlfriend# ! received a te,t
message from .ydney.
;! "new you were a player but ! never "new you could be so cold4;
! felt horrible. .ydney refused to even loo" at me in school. /espite all the negative feeling that
built up inside her for me# ! still cared about her and wanted the best for her. ! wanted to remain
friends with her more than anything.
As (icole and ! grew closer# ! started to really fall for her and she e,plained that she was falling
for me %ust the same. The last time ! felt a fraction of that feeling was two years ago when ! met
Jordan *ordyce. The feelings weren$t as vast or powerful as they had been with *ordyce but ! was
happy and motivated. *inally# out of countless do+ens of girls# ! finally found someone that
compared to the first person ! fell in love with.
!t was still an interesting observation to reali+e how many of the same attributes (icole and
*ordyce carried. hat <ualities in common did these two girls have that ! found so desirable0
hatever <ualities they were# Jordan *ordyce had more of them# but ! was happy with the girl !
had. !t was all ! needed.
)ver time .ydney had eventually accepted my choice and started tal"ing to me again. e began
to hang out as friends and in groups of common friends. At one point when we were alone# she
apologi+ed and said she was mista"en about me being cold-hearted and a player after seeing how !
protected and remained loyal to (icole
Chapter 4
Dissolution
'eah sent me some more emails. .he was trying to indicate her control over me by how she
could have me charged whenever she wanted and insisted that ! was a worthless piece of shit. ! was
surprised by the fact that she was still trying to ruin my life.
.he provo"ed me long enough. ! remembered that she once told me she used the same password
for everything she did online. ! input her email into my M.(# typed out ;iloveyou; into the bar and
hit enter. ;!ncorrect password.;
! went to her *aceboo"# input her email and then typed out ;iloveyou; into the bar and hit enter.
The window directed me to her profile page. ! began loo"ing through her inbo, to find many
messages to muscular-loo"ing men. 'eah was trying to convince them to ta"e a road trip with her to
2.: so they could %ump me. ! also found many messages to her other friends tal"ing about how she
wanted me "illed and harmed in the most brutal ways possible. Then ! came across a series of
messages between 'eah and Jordan *ordyce$s current boyfriend. The messages contained
arrangements to meet# have se,# an e,change of nude pictures# and an agreement to "eep it behind
*ordyce$s bac".
! printed out all the threatening messages about me as hard proof in case 'eah tried to have me
charged again. ! started to message some of her friends pretending to be 'eah# getting more specific
information that would further a case against her.
! saw 'eah sign into M.( and "new it wouldn$t be long until she logged into faceboo" and saw
the messages she didn$t send. .hortly after# Jordan *ordyce signed into M.( and then ! "new had a
hard decision to ma"e. ! could delete 'eah$s *aceboo" which ! "new would greatly upset her and !$d
feel a little %ustified# or ! could give the log in information to *ordyce so she could be made aware
of what was going on between 'eah and her boyfriend. ! "new there was only time for one.
! messaged *ordyce <uic"ly and told her there was something she needed to see. *ordyce was
hesitant# but ! told her there wasn$t very much time and it concerned her greatly.
;)"ay# !$ll loo" at whatever it is#; she told me.
! called her and gave her the log in information. ! couldn$t tell her flat out what it was because
she "new ! felt condemningly about her boyfriend and wouldn$t trust any accusations ! would say
about him.
;!$m in# now what0; *ordyce as"ed irritably.
;Go to the inbo,.;
! heard a couple clic"s over the phone and then a gasp. .ilence followed for a few minutes and
then *ordyce was able to spea" again.
;)h my god#; *ordyce said# her voice was sha"en and uneasy# ;how could he0;
;!$m sorry ! showed this to you. ! thought you deserved to "now.;
;Than" you. e$re done# ! thin" it$s safe to say we$re over. 3e can$t e,plain himself out of this
one#; she said# ;!$ll call you later. ! need to call him right now4;
! felt bad for *ordyce and wondered if ! did the right thing. ! felt guilty in some ways because !
brought it to *ordyce$s attention not because ! thought she deserved to "now but because ! wanted
her to be single.
???
! met (icole that night. e met in the middle of a soccer field near her house. .he wrapped her
arms around me and "issed me. e would tal" about ourselves# learn about eachother# loo" deeply
into eachother$s eyes. e continued this almost every night and stopped ma"ing plans to meet. e
simply showed up in the field at the same time every night "nowing we would be there for
eachother.
At school she would come by my loc"er loo"ing cute every morning and give me a "iss before
class. ! li"ed where things were going and didn$t remember being happier in a very long time.
/uring brea"s between class# ! would wal" through the hallways loo"ing for (icole and turn a
corner and accidentally hear her telling her friends how ama+ing ! was and how she couldn$t
herself.
Everytime ! came around# Trevor# Melissa$s boyfriend who was good friends with (icole was
commonly near her 3e always appeared to be disturbed by my presence. ! ignored it until one day
after school# ! as"ed (icole if she wanted to go downtown with me to hang out. Trevor stepped in
between (icole and ! and told me to go away and said no one wanted me there.
7hat$s your problem# man08
79ou are48 he stammered.
7Get out of my way#8 ! demanded as ! shoved Trevor aside# 7!$m trying to tal" to my girlfriend.
(icole# do you want to go downtown.8
7.ure48 she replied happily.
As (icole and ! wal"ed into town# ! as"ed her what was up with Trevor.
7! don$t "now. 3e$s normally pretty nice and has been my friend since grade si,. 9ou can trust
him#8 she assured me.
)ver the wee"s# when ! would wal" up to (icole# he would pull Melissa away from the group
and leave. ! figured he must$ve been mad about the night Melissa was all over me but ! wondered
why he would hold a grudge about it for so long. ! hardly spo"e to Melissa since dating (icole. !
approached him in the hallways when he was alone. 7'oo" man# ! get that you don$t li"e me. !
understand that you$ve been friends with these girls for a long time but !$m not here to cause
problems. ! really li"e (icole and she$s my girlfriend. .he says you$re a good guy and ! trust her
%udgement so ! hope we can all get along here.8
7)h yeah#8 Trevor said nicely and weirdly as ! caught him off guard# 7it$s cool. ! don$t mind.8
7)"ay. .o we$re cool08 ! offered my hand out to him in friendship.
3e shoo" my hand. ! felt good about handling it in such a friendly way. ! had a girlfriend ! was
happy with# ! had good friends# and ! seemed to have solved the issues Trevor had with me.
Trevor# Melissa# (icole and ! went on a double date and saw a movie. Trevor didn$t seem li"e he
had turned a new leaf however. 3e only spo"e to me when ! addressed him and he didn$t even loo"
at me the entire evening.
At the end of the movie# ! "issed (icole. !t seemed to have pissed Trevor off.
79ou "now what# ! don$t even "now why we$re here48 Trevor e,claimed angrily to Melissa.
Trevor turned to me 7e don$t even fuc"ing want you around# e,cept for (icole so why don$t you
%ust stop coming around.8
! stood up and got in Trevor$s face. 7!$ve been "ind to you and you$re starting a problem where
there isn$t one. hat$s your deal# e,actly08
7:ome on# Melissa#8 he said as he grabbed her and too" her from the theater. ! was almost at my
last means with him and held myself bac" from doing something drastic. After the ordeal with
'eah# ! "new not to ma"e any threats and ! "new that if a fight should ensue# he must ma"e the first
stri"e.
!n time# the drama of Trevor trying to pull Melissa away from me and trying to tal" (icole into
dumping me escalated. Trevor was trying to show that he was the alpha male of the group# but !
"new ! was the true alpha male. Trevor was only beginning to ma"e a fool out of himself as !
planted ideas into (icole and Melissa that Trevor was acting out of %ealously# even through he
probably was. Eventually Trevor had left the group after ! had pulled enough strings to ma"e the
girls alienate him. !t had become a posse of (icole# Melissa and !. Melissa was still dating Trevor
but minimi+ed the fre<uency she saw him.
Just when ! began to get comfortable# ! went to go to meet (icole in the field but she didn$t show.
! waited there for over an hour but she never came. The ne,t day at school ! as"ed her about it and
she said her parents grounded her again and wouldn$t let her out. ! moved in to "iss her before class
but she pulled bac" before ! could.
7hat$s going on with you0 9ou didn$t show last night and now you won$t "iss me08
(icole %ust stood there with her head down# not saying a word. ! "new something was going on
but she refused to tell me.
)ver the ne,t month# ! wasn$t sure what happened. (icole withdrew herself from me over a slow
period of time. 3er smiles began to fade every time she met me and the greeting hugs were replaced
with wea" $3ellos.$ )ur time to meet each other was reduced to once a wee" outside of school and
she began to feel less li"e a girlfriend to me and more li"e a lost cause. ! confronted her after much
effort. .he told me she found it hard to stay with me because her sister was constantly
compromising her to her parents.
.he didn$t need to lie me though. .he %ust wasn$t trying anymore. !t wasn$t hard to reali+e she fell
out of love with me and that she was trying to withdraw herself slowly until we were no more. .he
still cared about me and didn$t want to turn her bac" on me because she felt guilty about doing so.
.he eventually became than"ful for her parents rules as she began to constantly use them as e,cuses
to avoid me.
! couldn$t understand. The signs were gradual but not sudden. 3owever# this reali+ation was
sudden and ! felt myself in the midst of an imminent loss. ! reacted instinctively# trying harder to
bring (icole bac". !f ! "new the things ! "now now# ! would have "nown that by trying harder !
was pushing her further away from me. The more attracted you are to someone# the less attracted
they are to you. The person who cares less has the most power.
! didn$t give up though. e came to all sorts of compromises. *or wee"s# we were off and on.
.he would leave me with her greatest apologies and ! would push bac" for her in desperation. !
as"ed her to give it another shot# told her it happens in relationships# and that it would pass. !t never
passed.
.he eventually ceased communication with me in a cruel way. .he sent me a te,t-message
containing the following: ;! never loved you. ! was lying because my friends pressured me to say it
bac". ! fuc"ing hate you and if you died# it would feel complete my life.;
At first ! didn$t thin" it was actually (icole that te,ted me. ! approached her at school the ne,t
morning and withdrew the approach after seeing the loo" of disgust on her face when she saw me.
! didn$t "now what ! had done to ma"e her fall out of love with me and then suddenly come to
feel hatred for me. ! assumed she decided being e,cessively harsh was only a means to permanently
end us.
!-d felt %ust as hurt as ever. My promise to stop drin"ing was now void. ! hurdled myself bac"
into my drin"ing habits and started to drive rec"lessly again. ! got into fights at school because my
attitude turned cold and rebellious. There were no limits on how ! e,pressed my rage# sadness# and
pain. !$d gotten myself arrested for drun"en mischief. ! challenged my parents to place authority
over me that resulted in getting into a fist fight with my father. ! began loo"ing at drugs because !
believed they might transition some of my anger into temporary en%oyment. All ! wanted was to
create a distraction from my emotions.
! hadn$t been that miserable since ! was in Edmonton. ! "new the magnitude my depression and
self-destruction could hold. ! was desperate to "eep it surpressed at any cost. ! fought my impulses
in hope of not letting my agoni+ing negativity surface. ! feared myself because ! "new ! didn$t want
to give the dar"er version of myself control and let him destroy the potential for future happiness.
! was in a struggle with everything. 'ife# love# and myself& it was all in shambles. ! was barely
holding on from falling bac" into a hole where a scarier version of myself might resurface.
!-ve been here before. !-ve been here more than once. A little bit of my pride# glory# ego# and self
worth sift bac" into place& the strongest opponents to my minds current occupants. !-ve been at roc"
bottom before and ! "now that if ! pic" myself bac" up# ! will only find a demise in this place again.
'oo"ing bac" on myself# ! reali+e that every time ! have climbed out of the hole# ! come bac"
stronger# more determined# and more successful than !-ve ever been. 1erhaps this curse is my
greatest blessing. ! am doomed to return to this hole until it molds me into the best ! can be# each
and every time ma"ing further strides to success.
Melissa started to hang out with me more after my loss. ! learned that she had a lot to do with
(icole coming forward with her feelings before ! made my choice during the ultimatum. Melissa
was growing as a person perhaps it was her growing e,perience with the problems escalating
around all of us. .he was much more mature and gratifying to be around.
! was in the school courtyard tal"ing to Melissa. e spo"e about (icole and ! e,plained that !
was starting to get over what happened.
Melissa was so considerate. .he still li"ed me since the time we first met and she put mine and
(icole$s feelings ahead of her own to ensure my happiness.
Melissa$s boyfriend didn$t li"e the fact that she started to spend increasing amounts of time with
me. Trevor started to get controlling and did everything he could to "eep Melissa away from me. 3e
bad mouthed me and would %ump between Melissa and ! whenever he saw us together. 3e
commonly bombarded her with "isses# hugs# and whispered delicate things into her ear. ! found it a
challenge to hold bac" my laughter everytime he intervened. 3e didn$t "now how obvious his
affectionate act was. 3e was still trying to be the alpha male and show me that Melissa was his by
showing me that he could do this to her. Melissa pro%ected her interest into me all the same li"e
Trevor hadn$t even been in our presence.
!n drama class# Bictoria had become a stranger to me. ! always figured she would find a place
among the preps# but she had became stereotyped among the stoners and drug abusers. ! was
than"ful ! didn$t fuc" her after rumors had begun that she had se, with two people ! "new within my
school. They both contracted chlamydia. *or the time ! had "nown Bictoria# ! "new the rumors were
true.
Thoughtout the wee"s# Melissa and ! grew even closer as friends. Trevor continued to try to
relentlessly throw himself in between every conversation ! had with her. Even if we weren$t
spea"ing but still in the same room# Trevor would intervene.
Trevor was getting on my nerves to a point where ! was ready to start reacting to him. !$d spo"en
to Melissa during brea" after first class and ! as"ed if she wanted to hang out at lunch time. Melissa
said she was heading down to the beach with Amber for some girl time and if ! bumped into Trevor#
not to tell him.
)n more than one occasion# Melissa e,pressed her annoyance with Trevor. .he complained that
he never lets her have a moment to herself. 3e finds her on every brea"# follows her to the bus stop
every day after school and follows her downtown when she isn$t going home right away. ! advised
Melissa to stand up for herself and tell him to piss off. Melissa was far too nice for that though.
/uring 'unch# Melissa left to the beach with Amber while ! was wal"ing through the halls of my
school loo"ing for something to do. /uring this period# ! noticed Trevor pass me through hall many
times and ! had spotted him outside windows chec"ing isolated areas li"e the school field and into
the forest behind the school. Trevor was chec"ing every noo" and cranny for Melissa. Trevor passed
me in the hall for the last time and confronted me.
;3ey#; he as"ed in a friendly tone# ;do you "now where Melissa is0;
! was surprised by how friendly he as"ed. ;(o# sorry#; ! replied# stunned by how polite he was.
! met with Melissa after school and she immediately as"ed if ! had tal"ed to Trevor.
;9es# why0; ! replied.
;3e said you threatened him today4; Melissa e,claimed.
;)h# really0; ! said %ust before telling Melissa the brief conversation we had earlier# ;and those
are the only words we said to each other.;
Melissa believed my recollection of the event and got onto her bus to go home. ! stomped bac"
home irritated by Trevor.
'ater in the day# Melissa had called me to as" if ! wanted to hang out with her. ! obliged and met
her at Gyro par". e wal"ed around through the shrubs and pathways of Gyro.
;Jordan# ! called you here because there is something you need to "now#; Melissa told me.
;hat is it0;
;! "now the reason (icole started acting to hatefully toward you. !t$s Trevor.;
;!$m interested#; ! replied# my tone turning stern.
Melissa lowered her head with guilt. ;!$d been convincing (icole to e,press herself and "eep
giving your relationship second chances because Trevor "ept trying to tal" (icole out of it and she
was listening. Trevor is being a %er" because he$s threatened by you. 3e thin"s you$re going to ta"e
me away from him and that$s why he$s been trying to "eep me away from you. That$s why he tal"ed
(icole into ma"ing you go away#; she e,plained lightly.
;hat was Trevor saying to (icole0 E,act words#; ! pushed.
;Trevor told (icole that she should %ust remove you from her life. (icole said "ept saying no at
first but Trevor started saying he$d heard you tal" shit behind her bac". 3e told (icole that you said
she was %ust another girl you wanted to fuc" and once you did you were going to move onto another
girl.;
;hy the fuc" is she listening to him0; ! scoffed.
;(icole and Trevor have been good friends for a long time#; Melissa informed me.
:ould it have been Trevor that caused me so much bullshit. ! now "new the source of (icole$s
sudden hatred. ! wanted to throw everything ! had at Trevor but it was brought to my attention that
both of Trevor$s parents were cops. Trevor$s parents would no doubt charge me for assault if ! made
a move against their son. ! had to find another way at him.
Trevor too" (icole from me so ! decided ! was going to ta"e Melissa from him. G ! couldn$t
imagine it being hard. G ! was going to fulfill Trevor$s greatest fear.
Chapter '
%ntelletual Games
Every moment Melissa and ! were together# Trevor wasn$t far behind. Melissa and ! went out of
our way to search for places that we thought Trevor might not loo". 3e usually found us together
and couldn$t recogni+e that Melissa desired and en%oyed my company. 3e only viewed me as the
problem which blinded him to the fact that she wilfully began to cheat on him.
)n the wee"end# Melissa and Amber met me at the highschool soccer field after dar" . Melissa
had a big smile on her face as usual and Amber was leaning against the chain lin" fence that circled
the field. Amber$s head tilted bac" as she too" a shot from a clear bottle of .ilent .am$s Bod"a and
then blurted out# ;3ey Jordan4;
;3ey Jordan#; Melissa said# grinning as she opened up her arms to embrace me. .he s<uee+ed
tightly and whispered# ;! want you#; into my ear.
! smiled and as"ed Amber# ;9ou en%oying yourself0; as she seemed to have been swaying bac"
and forth.
;!$m a little tipsy#; Amber replied with a smug smile on her face.
;! waited till you got here to start drin"ing#; Melissa suc"ed up.
The three of us wal"ed to the dar" end of the field. The girls tal"ed about scary movies and
e,perimenting with )ui%a boards while passing the vod"a between the three of us. The girls became
more into,icated and Melissa grabbed onto me and pushed me against the fence. .he planted her
lips on me urgefully and then too" the liberty to run her hands up my shirt.
Melissa began to undo my belt until ! intervened. ;3ey# ta"e it easy# !$m not even bu++ed yet.; !
told her. .he grabbed the bottle of vod"a and shoved it in my face. ! chugged much of it and
decided to give my into,icated-self full control of the decisions that night. My into,icated-self
allowed Melissa to leave Amber at the dar" side of the field while Melissa and ! wal"ed to opposite
half where she undid my pants# pulled them down and got on her "nees. ! thought ! was too drun"
to fully appreciate it.
Amber came over to complain that she was bored. .he began to ma"e out with me in front of
Melissa. ! pulled bac" in fear of how Melissa would react after the last time. Melissa loo"ed at me
open-heartedly and went bac" to suc"ing on me while Amber put her ton<ue in my mouth.. !t was
turning into a threesome.
The girls eventually became too incoherent and were hardly able to wal". ! tried to support#
carry# and piggy bac" them home. ! didn$t get far and Melissa "ept trying to suc" on my finger and
playfully bite me every so often. Amber said she couldn$t go any further and laid down on
someone$s lawn losing consciousness.
Tears began to run down Melissa$s chee"s.
;hat$s wrong0; ! as"ed Melissa# rolling my eyes as the evening lost its en%oyability.
;! can$t believe !$m doing this to you again. Everytime we drin" you have to ta"e care of us.
e$re such bad people.;
;(o# you$re not. ! don$t mind so much this time.; ! told her. ! didn$t mind as long as they didn$t act
li"e insane tribal people with the screaming# rolling down hills# and violently lunging at people.
! eventually got them home and returned to mine.
PPP
The ne,t day at school# Trevor happened to find out that Melissa was "issing me the previous
night. G !f only he "new what else she did. G ! noticed Trevor over my shoulder as ! wal"ing
through the hallways after class. 3e was with a big guy named Jared 1ar"er. Jared was huge
compared to me and was "nown for a being a fighter.
Trevor and Jared approached me. Jared lowered his head and got directly in my face to
intimidate me. ;!f you tal" to Melissa or any of her friends again you$re going to regret it# you little
asshole#; Jared said with a violent edge to his voice.
! wanted to tell both of them where to go. ! laughed at both Jared and Trevor in my mind. ! found
it humouring that they thought they could intimidate me into giving into a threat. G hen being
threatened ! had always felt compelled to challenge it. G My eyes shifted from Jared$s face to
Trevors$ eyes. Trevor let out a satisfied smir" li"e he thought he had dominance over me. ! loo"ed
bac" at Jared and stared him dead in the eyes. ;And then what0; ! as"ed# ;9ou$re going to hit me0; !
as"ed li"e ! was humoured by his approach.
;)h# !$ll do more then that. 9ou will not tal" to Melissa or any of her friends again# got it0;
;9ou "now what#; ! replied returning the smir" Trevor had# ;! will spea" to Melissa and her
friends if ! please# and whenever the fuc" ! please# got it0;
Trevor wiped the smir" off his face.
;Go ahead#; Jared sneered# ;you$ll %ust ma"e my %ob easier.;
;!$d have your ass sued so fast your parents would both have to find second %obs to cover the
liability#; ! threatened.
;They$ll be nothing left of you to sue me with4; Jared fumed# raising his voice and then stomped
away in anger with Trevor. !t wasn$t until then ! reali+ed %ust how empty his threats were.
;.ure man# come bac" when you$re ready to do something4 !$d love to ma"e some money off
you#; ! shouted after him.
Jared and Trevor ignored my volitile remar". ! could tell they had no intention in following
through. They wanted to scare me into bac"ing away and they "new they had failed. They were
loo"ing for any sign of fear or intimidation in me and ! didn$t give it to them.
!f ! really did get into a fight with Jared# ! "new ! couldn$t win. My bar" was brutal and ! was yet
to test the true potential of my bite. ! had believed that force respects greater force so ! acted
relentless with my words and tone of voice when encountering those who would use aggressive
tactics against me.
! wasn$t going to stand by and let it go on any longer. !t was officially all-out war and ! would
complete my endeavor of stealing Melissa away from him. ! could anger Trevor enough to ta"e the
first swing at me# then ! could end this in the name of self-defense.
Even if ! couldn$t get at him physically# !-d get at him emotionally when he lost Melissa. ! won
either way.
Melissa was falling for me# growing more attached# and growing more attracted to me li"e ! had
anticipated. .he had e,pressed that her feelings grew more for me than what she felt for Trevor. !
observed Trevor and could see it affecting him in the way he carried himself. ! found it so
satisfying.
! felt guilty that ! had to use Melissa for revenge and would only discard her when ! had it. !
didn$t thin" ! could do that to her# not after everything she$d done for me. ! cared about her and my
conscious got the better of me# so ! let it go. ! let go of my desire for revenge against Trevor# my
remaining pain from (icole# and began to move bac" into the position of a friend to Melissa. 2ut
this train ! had created was already moving too fast# spiraling out of control on a death path.
PPP
My parents were out of town on the wee"end and ! decided to throw a party. ! e,pected around
thirty peers and that was enough. ! didn$t trust things at a higher <uantity.
Melissa and Amber came around at F:?? pm. Three hours before the party was actually suppose
to start. They didn$t have alcohol on them and begged me for some of the vod"a ! had under my bed
G hidden from my parents.
! agreed to let Melissa and Amber have two glasses each and was cutting them off because !
"new they wouldn$t be able to handle more.
After the few drin"s Melissa became e,cited and se,ual. .he climbed on top of the couch and on
top of me while spreading her legs over mine.
;Melissa# don$t#; ! scolded.
;hy# ! thought this was what you wanted#; she whispered into my ear.
;(ot anymore.;
;hy0; she said# leaning bac" with a shoc"ed e,pression on her face.
;!f you want to do this# prove to me that this is what you really want. 2rea" up with Trevor.;
;! can$t#; she frowned unhappily.
;hy0; ! as"ed.
;! care about both of you#; she replied
! had to place myself in a position to give Melissa an ultimatum between Trevor and !. .he
refused to choose# ;! can$t4; Melissa whined# ;! don$t want to hurt anybody.;
;ell sometimes you have to# don$t you thin" you$re hurting Trevor already by doing this shit
with me and not brea"ing up with him0; ! told her# ;!f you brea" up with him# yeah# you$re putting
him through pain# but that$s not as bad as putting him through the prolonged pain by continuing this
relationship with me.
Melissa turned hostile and removed herself from me# ;Amber wants you. 9ou can fuc" her
tonight if you want#; Melissa said as if she were giving me permission.
!rritated by Melissa# ! obliged. ;*ine4; ! replied. Amber and ! went into my bedroom and ! shut
the door behind Melissa. Amber sat on the bed# ! sat beside her and moved in to "iss her. Amber
wouldn$t let me get past a pec"# ;Are you going to "iss me or not0; ! frowned.
;'et the bottle spea"#; she replied.
;3a# you$re not getting another drop.;
;hy# ! want another shot#; she demanded.
;6iss me and !$ll thin" about it.;
;(o# give me a shot first.;
;! do that and you$ll pass out before ! get the "iss#; ! replied# getting a little irritated.
7Just let the bottle spea"#; she repeated.
! "new she didn$t give a fuc"# she only wanted to get drun". ;hatever#; ! responded and
grabbed the bottle from underneath the bed. ! handed it to Amber# she unscrewed the lid and too"
the largest gulp !$d ever seen. ! moved in to "iss her and she wilfully stuc" her tongue in my mouth.
Just then a few loud bangs smac"ed against a wall on the other side of the house. ;hat the fuc"
is that0; ! said to myself as ! left the room to investigate. ! entered the bathroom to find Melissa
sitting in the bathtub crying. 3er mascara was smudged down her face and she smac"ed her head
into the bac" of the wall again as hard as she could. ;*uc"ing stop that4; ! shouted at her. Melissa
turned her eyes to me and only stared. ;hat$s wrong0; ! as"ed.
;(othing#; she replied coldly.
! gave Amber the bottle of vod"a to "eep her busy in the living room and climbed into the wet
bathtub beside Melissa. ! spent the ne,t thirty minutes sitting in the tub trying to reason with her
more gently.
;ho do you want0;
;! want both of you#; she replied# still unwilling to decide.
;My life is out of balance and it has a lot to do with you. !f things don$t wor" out# ! have to get
rid of the source of the problem& you.;
ater began to surface over Melissa$s eyes again.
;/on$t be upset. !t$s nothing to personally do with you. !t$s a habit of mine. ! had to erase Jordan
*ordyce from my life a few times because she began creating too much negativity for me. ! had to
do it to her and many girls after her. The bridge was burned with (icole too& see the pattern08
The water in Melissa$s eyes bro"e surface tension and ran down her chee"s. (ow she was crying
out of guilt. ;!$m sorry. ! only wanted to help and now !$m ruining your life#; she said.
;3ey# don$t worry about it. 9ou have given me so much# you gave me support# friends# led me to
e,periences that ! will never forget. ithout you# ! would$ve never met (icole# Amber# .ydney# and
others who became fragile pieces in my life for the last several months# but li"e most good things#
they don$t last and you have to "now when to burn the bridge before it does more harm than good.;
;.o !f ! can$t choose you or Trevor# you$re cutting me out of life0;
;9es#; ! said lowering my head down sadly.
;! can$t do it. !$m sorry. ! %ust can$t do it. !$m so wea"-willed#; Melissa cried.
;e$re ending on good terms# that$s the important thing. e should get bac" out there. e
shouldn$t leave Amber alone with the whole bottle.;
Melissa got up and wrapped her arms around me. 3er face was centimetres from mine. ;! love
you# Jordan#; she whispered so passionately as she ran her fingers through my hair softly# ;!$m
going to miss you.;
*or some reason# ! found her immensely beautiful with her mascara running down her face# the
smell of her hair# and the perfect comple,ion her s"in carried. 2utterflies ran through my stomach.
;! love you too#; impulsively escaped my mouth.
.he was so sweet and so compassionate. e never connected so deeply before. ! never felt
attraction for her in my life# but ! had %ust developed my first romantic feeling for her. This was a
problem. ! %ust gave her a speech about how ! needed to erase her from my life because she was a
source of drama and it was true. This was in my best interest and moments ago ! wasn$t emotional
attached so it would$ve been easy. (ow# ! was fuc"ed. ! always acted on emotion. ! was still
recovering from (icole and now ! was facing the same "ind of vulnerability again.
hen we entered the living room# ! was impressed to see that Amber hadn$t dran"en as much as !
thought she would. .he was laying on the couch waiting for us.
Melissa chec"ed her phone to find multiple missed calls from Trevor and numerous te,ts.
;Trevor is at the school and he$s really needs to tal" to me#; Melissa blurted and ran out of the door
before ! could say anything. Melissa$s facial e,pressions showed worry so ! worried what made her
burst out the door so fast. ! couldn$t follow her because people were going to start showing up for
the party and ! couldn$t leave Amber in my house alone. !nstead ! ended up sitting beside Amber.
e began to connect on the deep levels similar to what ! %ust had with Melissa. 1erhaps it was the
atmosphere# but it was probably the alcohol.
*ifteen minutes passed and ! assumed that Melissa wasn$t coming bac"# especially in Trevor$s
care. Alone with Amber# we made out some more. This time it felt li"e she wasn$t "issing me for
something but because she wanted to. ! ran my hand over her breast and placed my hand on her
inner thigh.
;(o#; she said. ! removed my hand. henever a girl said no# ! respected that. Amber went on to
tell me# ;! don$t want to be whore. Everyone sees me as a whore and ! don$t want to be loo"ed at
li"e that anymore.;
Amber told me stories in the past about how she fuc"ed a thirty-three year old man with a wife
and children. .he was fifteen-years-old at the time and her reason for doing so was because she was
drun"# and he was hot.
! always felt that Amber was struggling between two sides of herself. .he was miserable and
their was a side to her that said fuc" life and fuc" the world# she did what she wanted. .he would do
drugs# have se, with whoever# and turn off her feelings. There was another side to her though. 3er
other side wanted to see herself as respected. .he wanted to be someone good and ma"e good
choices because even if it didn$t seem li"e it# she really did care about herself. 3er sadness made her
more careless attitude the dominant one and that was why she was the way she was.
;/o you thin" !$m a whore# Jordan0; she as"ed pitifully.
;.ort of#; ! replied trying to be honest# ;! thin" you$re %ust confused with the world around you
and you don$t "now how to react to it. 9ou have it in you to change.;
Amber placed her hand over mine and filled the gaps between my fingers with hers. .he
confided in me for the first time and she trusted me.
My cell phone started ringing. ! answered it and Trevor was on the other end.
;3ello0;
;3ey.;
;hat the fuc" do you want#; ! sneered.
;Melissa left her bag there. !s it o"ay if ! go and get it0; he as"ed politely so that ! may forget
that he was a two-faced shit and let him on my property.
;(o# it$s not fuc"ing o"ay. !f you step one foot onto my property you$re not going to step off it in
the same condition#; ! warned.
;hy0; he as"ed li"e he was confused by my aggressive response.
;/on$t play games# you fuc". 9ou damn well "now why. !f Melissa wants her bag# she can come
here and get it herself or ! can give it to her at school on Monday.;
;)"ay#; he responded innocently then hung up. Moments later Melissa "noc"ed on my door. ! let
her in and she rushed forward to hug me. ! loo"ed around for Trevor& he didn$t appear to be
anywhere nearby but ! "new Trevor was somewhere out there# waiting for her to come bac".
Melissa grabbed her bag and sat on my couch. ;/on$t you have to go bac"0; ! as"ed.
;(o# ! %ust want to stay here for a bit. Trevor wants me to leave but !$m having fun#; she smiled.
;Glad to hear it#; ! smiled bac" and sat down beside her.
;e should drin" more#; Amber slurred.
;Alright# !$m in a good mood. 'et$s get drun"#; ! announced. ! got up to grab the vod"a that was
half finished and loo"ed out the window for Trevor one more time# then loc"ed the door for good
measure.
hile pouring shots for the three of us# Melissa had to go the washroom. hile she was in the
washroom she had left her phone on the coffee table& it began ringing consistently and dinged with
te,ts. ! "new Melissa would feel compelled to go bac" out# seeing Trevor again# and this time he
wouldn$t let her bac" without anything to come bac" for. .o ! turned her phone off and tuc"ed it
between the cushions of the couch.
Melissa came bac" into the living room# placed herself beside me once more and we all pic"ed
up our shots.
;'i"e this#; Melissa said# as she pressed her shot glass up to my mouth. ! reached my arm up to
her mouth so that it was crossed with her arm. e poured eachother$s shots into our mouths.
Melissa spilt some of the li<our down my face and burst into laughter.
Melissa spun around toward Amber and as"ed for a moment alone with me. Amber nodded and
Melissa guided me into my bedroom. .he pushed me onto the bed and climbed on top of me. !
pulled her down for a "iss and we got caught in a lip loc" for several minutes until she started to
grind her pelvis into mine. ! thought she was going to pull my clothes off and have se, with me.
.he continued ma"ing out with me for several minutes and ! pulled her shirt off to escalate the
e,perience. .he pulled her bra off for me and pulled my shirt off. .he pressed her chest against
mine and my hands found their way to Melissa$s belt and ! began to undo them. ;(o#; she whined#
;!$m not ready for that yet.;
;Igh#; ! moaned# stopping.
;hat$s wrong0; Melissa as"ed.
;hat the hell is this0; ! as"ed# frustrated# ;hy are you telling me to stop now.;#
;! only wanted to "iss#; she said innocently.
;9ou$re unbelievable#; ! told her# grabbing my shirt and getting ready to leave the room.
;ait#; she said# grabbing my arm. ;)"ay.;
.he undid her belt# too" her %eans off# and pulled her thong down her legs.
;*uc" it#; ! said aloud and %umped bac" into the bed with her.
.he grinded her pelvis into mine. 3er legs weaved in between mine and she grabbed my pillow
burying her head into it trying not to scream.
Then the door swung wide open and ! heard a gasp from Amber. ;Ew# what are you doing0;
Amber shouted.
;Get out4; Melissa screamed as she %umped off me and began dressing herself <uic"ly. Amber
slammed the door bac" shut and Melissa chased after her still +ipping up her %eans and panting
down her se, hair.
;Ewww#; Amber shouted# 7you have se, hair.;
;Amber# you can$t tell anyone about this4 1romise me4;
Amber thought about it for moment. ;)"ay# ! promise.
Melissa was swaying bac" and forth now and as"ed me for another shot.
;9ou$re too drun"#; ! notified her.
;1lease# ! want more#; she begged.
;(ot happening.;
.everal eager "noc"s erupted on my front door. ! answered to find a do+en of my friends enter
my home.
Melissa and Amber# for some reason# got nervous due to the popularity of the girls that arrived in
my home. Melissa gave me a last "iss on the lips before she went outside with Amber. ! followed
her to convince Melissa to stay and try to sociali+e.
;3oly fuc"#; Amber shouted# ;all that alcohol %ust hit me.; as she stumbled out of my yard.
Trevor appeared from down the road and grabbed Melissa aggressively.
;Ta"e it easy with her# fuc"ing emo rednec".;
Trevor ignored my insult until Amber blurted out# ;)h my god# Trevor4 Melissa and Jordan were
ma"ing out and then they went into a room and were li"e on top of eachother doing shit in a bed.
They were li"e na"ed.;
Trevor spun around and loo"ed at me# his eyes widening. ! smiled at him and he turned bac"
around and pulled Melissa away. Amber# hardly being able to wal" straight# stumbled after them.
! returned to the party which turned into a competition after Bictoria announced that she was
having a party that night too. .he used the hot tub in her bac"yard as a selling point.
Bictoria and ! were swapping peers between our parties$. .he came over to my place wearing a
big red scarf and shouted# ;3ey everyone# ! have a hot tub and a way bigger house. :ome over and
party across the street.;
;And who invited you here0; ! as"ed critically# ;and what$s with that scarf0;
;(othing#; she replied.
! wal"ed up and yan"ed it off her nec" revealing the largest hic"eys ! had ever seen to the whole
party.
.he ripped her scarf out of my hand and stormed out of the house embarrassed. Infortunately#
many of my peers began tal"ing about how nice that hot tub sounded and left for Bictoria$s shortly
after. ! called it a night and went to bed.
???
The ne,t day. Melissa and ! snuc" away into some of the bac" halls inside the school. e were
tal"ing about each others$ feelings and about our moment of se,ual intensity. e both leaned in for
a "iss but the moment our lips %ust barely touched# the stairwell door swung open and Trevor rushed
in grabbing Melissa by the arm and pulling her out into the hall.
;.TA9 AA9 *5)M 3E54; Trevor screamed in desperation after he witnessed what was %ust
about to ta"e place.
;9ou really are a piece of wor"# Trevor#; ! laughed while following him out into the hall# ;she
cheats on you half a do+en times and your first reaction is Q!t$s all Jordan$s fault# Melissa can$t help
it. ! love her.#8 ! said imitating Trevor. Trevor$s eyes turned more serious. ! continued to try and arise
more anger out of him. ;9ou caught her cheating on you how many times now and still you accept
her bac" in your arms. 3ow pathetic can a guy get0 9ou "now she-s going to do it again# right0;
Melissa loo"ed up from the ground <uic"ly meeting my eyes for a moment. .he loo"ed at me
li"e ! had betrayed her. !t was li"e she had %ust reali+ed who ! really was# and that she was nothing
more than tool to be used by me. !t didn$t phase me. ! was beginning to see how naive Melissa
really was.
;9ou "now# Trevor#; ! continued# ;!-m really surprised that you can ta"e so much shit. This
whole time !-ve been wondering $ow# when is this guy finally going to snap#$ and you will# don$t
worry. hen you do !-m going to put you down li"e the dog you are.;
5age appeared in Trevor$s face. 3e bulged his hand into a fist and it began to sha"e. This is it# !
thought to myself# he$s finally going to ta"e a swing.;
Trevor turned around and wal"ed down the hall as fast as he could with Melissa. ! yelled down
the hall at him# uncaring of the audience that turned their attention from their loc"ers.
;The funniest part is she doesn$t even regret cheating on you4;
Trevor spun around in an instant and yelled at me at the top of his lungs# ;*I:6 9)I4 9)I$5E
A *I:6!(G ').E5 T3AT !'' G) A*TE5 A(9 G!5' T) GET !(T) 3E5 1A(T.4 9)I
T5EAT )ME( '!6E .3!T4 9)I$5E ()T3!(G 2IT A 1'A9E5 T3AT /)E.($T G!BE A
.3!T A2)IT A(9 G!5'48 Trevor lost it# his voice was full of hate and he was stuttering on his
words. 3e still wouldn$t ma"e a move against me. 3owever# ! was satisfied with his outburst of
anger.
! spo"e to Trevor with a confident and even voice# ;! don$t treat women badly. ! show them all a
genuine interest and offer them a better option. Melissa cheated on you because ! gave her a better
option than you#; ! finished in my coldest voice.
! could see pain form on Trevor$s face. Trevor turned bac" around and wal"ed away in a hurry#
hoping not to show anymore wea"ness.
! was done with this. ! got Melissa to cheat on him and ! could see the agony he felt. ! gained my
%ustice. Trevor too" (icole from me# ! nearly too" Melissa from him. ! had caused him to feel the
same despair he caused me to feel# even if for %ust moment.
! wal"ed to my loc"er feeling accomplished. ! could let Melissa go easily# even though some
small feelings developed for her the previous night# they were not genuine. Melissa was nothing of
what a meaningful pursuit meant to me.
A football player named 2rent approached me from behind and threw me up against my loc"er.
;hat the fuc" did you do to Melissa0 hy is she crying0; he as"ed in an aggrevated. tone.
;.tay the fuc" out of it# it$s got nothing to do with you#; ! said bac" in the same tone. 3e shoved
me and ! repeated myself# ;.tay the fuc" out of this and wal" away. ! have no fight with you.; 3e
shoved me again and ! pushed him bac" with the same force. 3e refused to be reasonable and only
wanted the situation to go one way. 3e grabbed me by the collar of my coat and slammed me up
against my loc"er. ! remained calm and didn$t resist. ! merely loo"ed him in the eyes while he had
me pinned.;al" away now or your problems are going to be a hundred times worse than mine#; !
warned him. 3e pulled me bac" from the loc"er and slammed me bac" into it.
;!-m not going to as" you again4 hat the fuc" did you do to Melissa0; he shouted# demanding
his answer.
! loo"ed around and several do+en students gathered around to watch the dispute. (ow ! had
show to everyone that nobody gets to do that to me. ! had to fight my pride.
;Ta"e your hands off me now before ! smash your face in#; ! shouted bac" in his face.
2rent lost it after ! showed in his face. 3e bac"ed away to throw a punch. ! dodged it and he
grabbed my shoulders and "need me in the gut. My body concaved with the hit to the stomach and !
came right bac" up with an uppercut to his face. ! hit him dead center in the nose and he grunted in
pain.
;9ou fuc"er4; he screamed as he threw a punch to the side of my head and ! returned one %ust
above his eye. 2rent stumbled bac" with the blow to his face. ! acted fast and threw another punch
to 2rent but he dodged it and my fist smashed into a loc"er. 3e grabbed me trying to tac"le me to
the ground and leaned my head bac" and smashed my forehead into his. A deadly blow to both of
us. ! clutched him bac" ignoring the pain. e were both in each other-s grips trying to throw
eachother to the ground# pushing at each other with as much force as we had. e crashed up against
a wall# ! twisted my leg behind his foot and pushed my body into his. 3e fell bac"ward on my foot
and lost his balance. 3e grabbed onto me as he fell# ta"ing me down with him. 2rent landed on the
ground before ! did and ! dropped a single last stri"e to his as ! landed on the ground with him.
;That$s enough4 hat is going on over here0; Teachers began shouting as they came out of the
classrooms to investigate the commotion. The teachers escorted us both to the principal-s office to
await disciplinary measures. The principal tal"ed to 2rent in a separate room while ma"ing me wait
in his office.
! could see Trevor outside the window of the office smiling at me. 3e gave me a moc"ing
thumbs up.
! moved my lips very slowly# silently saying# ;9ou$re ne,t#; ma"ing sure he could lip read me.
Trevor wiped the smile off his face and wal"ed away. 2rent was sent home and the principal then
came into the office to <uestion me.
! e,plained that it was a matter of defense but many of 2rent$s friends came forward as witnesses
to lie for him. They said ! provo"ed him and made the first stri"e. ! was sent home with a two day
suspension before winter brea".
! received messages on *aceboo" from a girl named 6endra in my dance class. .he had been
wondering why ! hadn$t been in class the past couple days. ! e,plained to her that ! was suspended.
! was under the impression that she was attracted to me because she made se,ual %o"es toward
me and instantly spo"e to me every time ! logged into my M.( and *aceboo".
! had "nown her to be dating a peer of mine named 6onrad. 6endra claimed that they bro"e up
and that we should get to "now eachother better because we were in dance class together. .he told
me she thought ! was telling a story in my dance movements.
;Tell a story0 ! may en%oy writing but ! don$t do cheesy stuff li"e that#; ! told her.
;.ometimes you can do it without meaning to. ! thin" when someone dances# they tell a story
about who they want to be instead of who they are.;
Maybe she was right. ! danced ma"ing up moves that ! felt ! were impressive doing. ! felt
prominent and glorified in the way ! danced and that$s how ! wanted to feel in way of others.
/uring the inter 2rea"# Adam became my best friend. Adam was a new friend ! made after
.ydney had introduced me to him. .ydney had begun pursuing him after ! chose (icole and he and
.ydney dated for a while.
Adam "new 2rent very well. G They played football together. G 3e was surprised to find that !
was the Jordan he had heard about.
;hy don$t you have any bruises or cuts on your face0; he as"ed with surprise.
;hy would ! have cuts or bruises on my face0; ! replied.
;2rent told me he got into a fight with someone named Jordan and that he "ic"ed the shit out of
him. ! never reali+ed he was tal"ing about you. ! didn$t thin" it was you because you loo"ed
perfectly fine before and after he told me about that fight.;
;9ou$re "idding me#; ! laughed# ;! did more damage to that fuc"# 2rent# then he did to me. !
wal"ed away without a scratch and ! saw the big# red# puffy nose ! gave him. 3e$s telling everyone
he did me in0;
;9eah man# you actually too" him on and wal"ed away without a scratch0;
;Everyone "eeps saying that#; ! laughed.
!t was a compliment to me. (o one e,pected me# the short guy# to have the ability to e<ually ta"e
on a guy as big as 2rent. ! could hold my own in a threatened situation. ! was short# however ! had
hidden muscularity under the shirts ! wore that were too long and the thic" layer of a hoody with an
overcoat. ! had ama+ing strength from endless hours brea"dance practice ! did everyday. hen !
was middle school# ! was cursed with an unattractive slouch and small umuscular arms& ! was the
definition of wea". hen ! found an interest in brea"dancing# it was all ! did# everything ! spent my
free time doing# and my greatest trait.
The night of a school dance# ! would get home from school in the afternoon# push furniture to all
sides of the living room to clear a space# and would practice brea"dancing until the school dance
started.
1eople were impressed and ama+ed with me. (obody e,pected the short# stereotyped loser to be
the most admirable and impressive person on the dance floor. ! hoped it would be my way into the
$cool$ crowd. !nstead# the $cool$ crowd was offended by me. ! could do things beyond what they
could imagine themselves doing so they targeted me.
Many of them had aproached me# as"ing me to show them some more moves. ;e$ll start a big
circle for you and get people watching#; they promised# and they did. They made a big circle and
directed everyone$s attention to me. ! would begin to lunge into a bac" flip until someone shoved
me from the side and %umped bac" into the crowd before ! could see who it was. ! tried again# this
time to have someone stic" their leg out to trip me. ! fell over# embarrassed in front of the crowd.
hen ! went to loo" at who tripped me# they blended themself bac" into the crowd again. !nstead of
doing a bac"flip# ! decided to do some less impressive moves that would be more difficult to
sabotage. ! did a spin on my bac" called the windmill until a prep came out and booted me in the
side. ! toppled over in pain and finally saw who has been harassing me. !t was the prep that initially
as"ed me to brea"dance and offered to ma"e the circle for me. 3e did it to embarrass me and ma"e
me loo" li"e a fool. ! got up and shoved him with all the force ! could muster. 3e fell bac"ward and
landed on the floor. A nearby teacher saw me tac"le him and grabbed the sleeve of my shirt and
threw me out of the dance for starting a fight.
Chapter "
&ani$ulation
!n the evening# ! laid in my bed with the phone sitting beside me wondering if ! should call
*ordyce. ! decided to go ahead and do it.
73ey4 ! was %ust about to call you.eird#8 she said. 7hat$s up08
7)h not much# got "ic"ed out of school#8 ! laughed.
7That$s terrible4 3ow the hell did that happen08
7Got into a fight over a girl. ! don$t even "now why it happened& the guy hardly even "nows
Melissa.8
7Melissa# what0 hat ever happened to (icole08
73ow do you even "now ! pic"ed (icole in the first place. ! never told you.8
7! %ust "now you#8 she giggled.
7! don$t "now what happened with (icole. .he bought into this guy$s bullshit and left me.
Melissa is dating that guy. e$ve "ind of had a thing going on and they$re still dating. 3e caught her
cheating with me about three times now and still refuses to brea" up with her. 3e$s pathetic48
79ou$re a hell raiser# oh my god4 !t seems your charms are still effective.8
!t was ama+ing tal"ing to her. hen tal"ing to her# my problems always %ust melted away and we
were %ust two people purely en%oying eachothers$ conversation.
79eah# if only they still wor"ed on you#8 ! laughed.
7Jordan#8 she said concerningly. 3er attitude shifted. 7!$ve been meaning to as" you something:
was it you that sent those messages to my boyfriend0 ! tal"ed to 'eah and she says it wasn$t her. .he
says you got into her account and sent them because you still love me.8
79eah# ! won$t lie and say that there aren-t still some feelings there# but ! can$t believe you would
even as" me that4 'eah is a conniving bitch# she$s poison and she$s trying to poison you against
me48
7)"ay# !$m sorry4 ! wasn$t accusing you& ! %ust had to ma"e sure that$s what happened. ! managed
to forgive /om and needed to "now before we get into a relationship again.8
7ait# what do you mean you forgive him0 3ow can you even consider getting into a
relationship again0 /om was so easily willing to cheat on you. ! saw every bit of that conversation
and /om didn$t even need the smallest push to do it& the idea was proposed and he %umped right on
it. 3ow do you "now he hasn$t gone through with cheating on you before and you$re stupidly ta"ing
him bac" %ust li"e that08
79ou don$t "now him4 3e$s been beating himself up ever since it happened and has felt horrible.8
7Jesus# *ordyce# what are you doing0 This is stupid. ! thought you were smarter than that48
7! thin" !$m going to go#8 *ordyce said <uietly and upset.
! hung up the phone on her and grabbed a drin". ! had finally gotten Jordan single again and a
few wee"s later she went bac" to the guy who was readily able to cheat on her. (ot even for a
second did she loo" at me as an option. ! was there for her# we had moments that were powerful and
full of emotion# we connected on universal levels and it hurt me to "now she was going bac" to a
man that didn$t appreciate her.
! started to regret the way ! tal"ed to Jordan *ordyce and reali+ed how much ! still wanted her
deep down. The girls ! had been pursuing were nothing more than compensation for not having
*ordyce. (icole was the closet ! had to *ordyce since being with her which was why ! felt so
attracted to her.
Adam messaged me as"ing if ! wanted to hang out that night. Adam and ! dran" %ust about every
night during the two wee" brea". ! had been staying up till F:?? am every morning and sleeping in
till F:?? pm in the evening. ! hadn-t seen daylight in almost a wee".
Through my drun"en nights of self reflection# ! decided ! wanted to go bac" to Edmonton. ! was
trying to wait it out till ! could get the hell out of here again and bac" to Edmonton. ! could live a
good life there# ! %ust needed to ma"e better choices this time around. That$s what ! did# ! ran. hen
things started to get hard and fuc"ed up# ! always wanted to go somewhere else and have a fresh
start. !t seemed ! was %umping bac" and forth between (elson and Edmonton# living alter lives in
each.
inter brea" seemed to have ended too soon. hen school had begun once again# people who
were friends of 2rent had begun to harass me. After my fight with 2rent# the administration had told
me ! was one of the most complained about students in the school. ! was enraged by this& ! felt li"e
the greatest victim in the school and ! was only the most complained about because# instead of most
victims# ! fought bac" and retaliated to hold onto my self-worth and self-respect. *orce respects
greater force and when things blew up# ! was always the greatest force seen by the authorities. .o in
the eyes of others# ! was the bad guy# and ! was always going to be the bad guy in (elson.
3owever# when being harassed# ! suc"ed it up for the sa"e of staying in school. ! was almost
done and ! didn$t want to screw up my education when it was so close to being over. ! wor"ed hard
to gain the right amount of credits to graduate from highschool five months early. ! wasn$t going to
fuc" it up and have to stay an additional five months more than what ! had to.
hen returning to dance class# ! noticed 6endra fre<uently staring at me. ! also noticed that she
befriended Amber and after another wee" she began to hang out with Melissa.
! wasn$t particularly impressed with her interaction with Melissa after hearing that she had
established a hate group for me on *aceboo".
After many more dance sessions# 6endra pulled aside after class was dismissed. .he e,pressed
her feelings of infatuation for me and wanted to go out with me. ! said we could be friends first and
go from there because ! was suspicious of her sudden association with Melissa and Amber. As
friends# she became <uite clingy. The more ! got to "now 6endra# the more suspicious ! became of
her. 6endra told stories in half truths and bended each and every word she ever spo"e to satisfy
what she willed. ! had immense reason to believe there was an underlying plot being wor"ed against
me.
hen 6endra added me to *aceboo" we had C mutual friends. After two wee"s we had CF
mutual friends& many of these friends included those from Edmonton who she could not have
possibly "nown. A mental alarm went off in my head and ! immediately bloc"ed her on *aceboo".
This was stal"er behaviour at wor". 6endra turned out to be one of those fuc"ed up girls who li"ed
to play mind games with people.
hen going to tal" to Amber# she had as"ed me if it was true that ! as"ed 6endra out.
;/id 6endra tell you that0; ! as"ed.
;9eah# she seems really nice. 9ou two are good for each other.;
;e$re not dating4; ! said angrily and spun around to search the halls for 6endra. ! was sic" of
her mind games. ! spotted her tal"ing to Melissa and approached her.
;! "now what you$ve been doing# 6endra4 hy have you been telling people that we$re dating0;
6endra tried to ignore me. .he gave me the cold shoulder and started to wal" away. ! grabbed her
arm. ;Enough is enough. 9ou have no chance with me# !$m interested in far more worthwhile girls
than you#; ! muttered harshly.
6endra e,ploded. ;! will have you "illed4; she screamed in the middle of the hallway and then
burst into tears.
6endra ran over to a group of guys who were labeled as the nerd$s. 6endra had dated that guy
named 6onrad from the group. Although a nerd# 6onrad was respectable. 3e treated everyone fairly
and nice# and was the only person ! "new in the school to ride a motorcycle G he deserved some
recognition for that. G ! "new 6endra was trying to stir shit up# it was in her nature. ! trusted that
6onrad would be reasonable enough to hear my side of the story before acting on whatever 6endra
was whispering into his ear.
Chapter $
'hat Are Sisters (or)
My last days of school came rolling around and ! actually felt sad to leave it. .chool# it was my
whole life thus far and ! was finishing earlier than most. ! wasn$t sure if ! wanted high school to end
so <uic"ly "nowing ! would never come to it again.
*rom there on# it was only me# on my own# against cold# brutal# and relentless life. ! was up to
the challenge. *uc" the primitive mentalities of high school. !n the big bad world was where !
would and was meant to thrive. !t was time to earn the glory and the lifestyle ! sought after.
.urprisingly# ! was considerably happy throughout those last days. ! was especially happy over
one girl in particular. My sister had a very close friend named 5ebecca and invited her over on
many occasions. )ne night# my sister# (atasha# invited 5ebecca and her sister over. 5ebecca$s sister
was named :ourtney and the two of them were identical twins.
That night# they were all huddled on my bed playing Guitar 3ero on my Abo, =F?. ! didn$t "now
:ourtney very well and was curious about her. ! wanted to find a way to ma"e conversation so !
used whatever ! could. :ourtney complained to my sister that she was hungry but my sister had
disregarded her hunger. ! wal"ed out of the room and into the "itchen# started cutting slices of
cheese# sausage# veggies# and grabbed a bag of crac"ers. ! set up a nice platter# wal"ed bac" into the
bedroom and set it down on my study des".
;)h my god# you brought food. Than" you4; :ourtney e,claimed.
;3uh0; ! said# turning around and acting li"e ! hadn$t seen her there. ;This is for me4;
;(o way# you$re sharing that4; :ourtney countered.
.he continued demanding food from me and playfully hit me when ! didn$t do as she as"ed. G !
was a little amused by it G :ourtney had begun to steal food off my platter and before ! "new it# we
were outright flirting.
! never really thought it was a possibility that :ourtney and ! could be anything. .he was always
the girl that my sister was friends with. (atasha and 5ebecca left the room and it was the first
moment we had alone together. e were cuddling together on my bed# loo"ing into each other-s
eyes for a brief moment.
;May ! "iss you0; ! as"ed her in almost a whisper.
.he smiled and a small tint of red arose in her chee"s. ;Maybe#; she replied.
! moved my mouth towards hers and pressed my lips against hers. !t started off with %ust a small
pec" and then it escalated into more intimate "issing. .he "issed so passionately and ! felt a small
spar".
;ow#; ! smiled.
;hat0; she replied.
;9ou0 ow.;
;hat4; she repeated# louder.
;9ou. ho would$ve imagined#; ! told her in a da+e.
:ourtney had something most girls didn$t have. .he was uncomplicated and easy going. .he was
honest and ! could tell that about her from being alone with her for twenty wishful minutes.
My sister burst into the room to grab :ourtney. ;5ebecca and ! want to go to bed#; she told her.
:ourtney obliged and left the room for a moment# then came bac" to tell me that she probably
wouldn$t be able to stop thin"ing about that "iss for the ne,t couple hours. Then she as"ed me if she
could snea" into my room while everyone was asleep.
;(ot that ! wouldn$t love for you to snea" into my room# but ! "now my mother and she$ll
probably be chec"ing up on you three throughout the night# ma"e sure none of you are getting into
mischief.;
;)"ay#; :ourtney frowned and went to bed.
The girls set up an air mattress in the living room that they slept on. My room was directly
connected to the living room and they were only a metre away from my bedroom door. ! laid in bed
for <uite a while thin"ing about what %ust happened with :ourtney.
!n the morning# ! got up and wo"e :ourtney up. .he smiled and told me she had a dream about
me.
Around D:?? p.m# my mother came out of her bedroom and notified me of an audition for Model
N Talent .cout :anada LMT.:.M !t was much li"e :.MT# the event ! attended when ! was fifteen
and met Jordan *ordyce at.
! spent fifteen minutes in the washroom doing my hair# putting on male ma"e up# and placing
myself into my best %eans and flashiest dress shirt. ! placed another set of :rest hite .trips to give
my teeth that finishing glow. ! loo"ed and felt my best.
! left for the auditions without my sister# who was suppose to come but she had bac"ed out.
hen ! arrived# Melissa# (icole# and her sister# Jessica# were there. !t was a little aw"ward since all
three of them now despised me.
! signed for the papers and auditioned. They handed me a paper filled with different commercial
scripts and told me ! had to choose one of them to read.
At the last minute# !-d seen my sister wal" into the room with :ourtney and 5ebecca. !t loo"ed
li"e my sister decided to audition after all.
! was happy that :ourtney was there# she would get to see my audition. ! was called up to the
front of the room to recite my commercial. ! was great at memori+ing things. ! confidently left my
script on my seat and wal"ed in front of everyone where ! recited my commercial with near
perfection. Everyone clapped for me. ! believe my confidence radiated a certain "ind of energy# !
felt li"e ! was glowing before the audience.
(icole was called right after me. .he nervously held her paper in hand and dropped it before
starting. 7.orry48 she embarrassingly said while pic"ing it bac" up. .he placed an 7um8 in between
each sentence.
!t was a good feeling showing your e, that you$re better than her.
(e,t# Melissa was up. .he laughed# giggled# and smiled brightly while reading out her script. !t
wasn$t done too well but ! "new she was going to get attention for her vibrant personality.
After everyone had auditioned# the participants were called into separate rooms one by one for
interviews.
A woman named 6ate sat me down and complimented me# 7/o you have e,perience in this
field0 9ou were very professional with your script and with the way you carried yourself.8
! told her about my e,periences at :.MT and how ! caught the interest from representatives
from /isney and :arolyn$s Acting Agency in Toronto. .he was very impressed and told me that she
would not have even made me audition with my e,perience. .he handed me an invitation to attend a
showcase in Bancouver.
Another large sum of money was re<uested and ! was to provide my own travel e,penses#
accommodations# and stylist charges. 7!$ll be straight with you#; ! told 6ate# ;!$m not interested in
sin"ing that much money into this right now. 1erhaps ne,t year when ! have more resources
available#8 ! e,plained to her.
7)"ay# we will be coming through (elson again ne,t year. !$ll put you straight through if you$re
interested. Ta"e my business card and give me a call ne,t year or if you change your mind.8
! than"ed her and wal"ed outside to see :ourtney waiting out in the hallway. 73ow did you do08
she as"ed.
7! did great4 ! turned their offer down# though. ! can thin" of better ways to spend one-thousand
dollars.8
'ater that night# :ourtney and ! were cuddling in my bed again. :ourtney and 5ebecca were
fighting and :ourtney became depressed. ! tried to comfort her and ! typed in te,t messages on my
phone# showing them to :ourtney. !t said# 7! care about you and !-ll be there for you when you need
me.;
.he smiled and mouthed the words ;Than" you.;
! then wrote her another one as"ing# ;ill you be my girlfriend0;
.he loo"ed me in the eyes and thought for a minute with deep consideration. .he said she$d have
to thin" about it. 3er sister and my sister were both in the room with us and we didn$t want to ma"e
it too obvious that there was something going on between her and !. ! was dying to "iss her again#
so we did. e got caught "issing by (atasha and 5ebecca and ! felt very guilty that ! may have
gotten :ourtney in trouble.
! saw :ourtney at school during my e,am day and she told that she didn$t get in trouble and that
it was good that her sister "new so :ourtney didn$t have to hide it anymore.
! thought she was ama+ing in her own little ways# she was growing on me incredibly fast# not in
the same way other romantic interests had. This time# my logical side and my feelings told me she
was the right decision. !n my past !-d always pursued girls out of emotion and never logic. There
was something balanced about my feelings for :ourtney.
###
!n the morning# ! loo"ed at my te,t messages to find one from Melissa. 73ey Jordan# !$m sorry
for being a bitch before but ! really need to as" you something.8
! responded out of curiosity# 7hat is it08
7!s MT.: the same "ind of event that you were at before08
7!t is.8
7:an you please help me. ! got invited and my mom says she$s going to pay the fee$s to go to
Bancouver. !$ve never wanted anything so bad. ! need you to help me prepare. 9ou "now what it$s
li"e so you "now what to e,pect.8
! decided to fuc" with her# 79eah# !$ll help you on one condition. 9ou have to brea" up with
Trevor and cease tal"ing to him. Then !$ll help you.8
! was going to see %ust how badly she wanted it.
*or days she begged and whined for another condition. ! owed her no sympathy and began to
ignore her completely.
A few nights later# 6endra flipped shit when she found out about :ourtney. ! chec"ed my
overdue *aceboo" messages to see many apologies about her lying. .he said she %ust got the wrong
impression and was emotional when she said she$d have me "illed. A few messages followed#
showing evidence that she was getting irritated with my non-responsiveness. .he reali+ed that !
completely stopped giving her attention and she was not ta"ing it well.
.he called me numerous times threatening to call the cops for apparently hac"ing into her M.(
and *aceboo". !t appeared someone else got fed up with her bullshit and compromised her
accounts.
6endra was a control frea". .he had her e,-boyfriend or boyfriend# whatever the real story was#
6onrad# wrapped around her finger and this guy was foolish enough to buy into any bullshit story
6endra gave him.
! was sitting in my living room writing emails to *ordyce and friends in Alberta when ! heard a
car screech around the bloc" and pull in front my house. ! set my lap top down and wal"ed into the
"itchen to grab a large "nife. ! didn$t "now what their intentions were and ! grabbed a "nife to put
behind my bac" as a precaution. .omeone began to violently "noc" on my door as ! came bac" out
of the "itchen. ! answered the door for 6onrad and his large friend# 5iley# who was leaning against
my gate a few metres bac". 6onrad had a furious loo" on his face.
7:an ! help you08 ! as"ed.
7Are your parents home08
7(o# my parents are wor"ing. hat would you li"e08
7! want you to give 6endra$s password bac" right now48 he demanded.
7! don$t have it.8
72ullshit# ! "now you hac"ed her account.8
7! didn$t hac" her account# but ! applaud whoever did. 2itch had it coming to her.8
7/on$t you dare fuc"ing tal" about her li"e that48
7'oo"# ! don$t "now what she$s been telling you# but ! have nothing against you. 9ou can come
in# sit down# and we can tal" about this and clear the air.8
7There is nothing to tal" about4 Either you give 6endra$s password bac" or you will regret it.8
! stayed calm and tried to deal with him in a mature manner# 79ou don$t need to be hostile with
me# man. !$m %ust trying to help. 9ou$re under a lot of misconceptions and you deserve to "now that
6endra has been trying to cheat on you.8
7*uc" you# you deserve what$s coming48 6onrad screamed and spun around to head bac" to his
car.
! revealed the concealed "nife from my bac". 7/on$t show up here again. 9ou$re not welcome
here and you$re trespassing48
5iley too" a good loo" at my "nife and pulled out one of his own# giving me a serial "iller stare.
7Are you really that stupid08 ! as"ed 5iley while he was waving his tiny camping "nife around.
7.top for a minute#8 ! humorously told 5iley# 7loo" at your "nife. (ow loo" at mine. ! see your
"nife and !-m li"e $oh# that probably wouldn-t hurt so bad.$ (ow loo" at my "nife# thin" this one
would do some damage08 ! laughed with cynicism. 7!f you thin" !-m afraid of you# A(9 )* 9)I#
you are so very sadly mista"en. (ow get the fuc" off my property# you two fuc"ing clowns48
6onrad and his friend loo"ed at me dumbfounded. They were wordless. They reali+ed coming to
my house and trying to intimidate me was a useless attempt. They left my yard# %umped bac" in the
idling car and sped off in a hurry. *ive minutes later# ! got a phone call from 6endra again.
7hat the hell did you say to 6onrad4 hat the fuc" did you do to ma"e him frea" out so
much08 6endra shouted over the line demanding answers.
79ou thin" you can send people to my house to threaten me and then e,pect me to let them leave
happy08 ! laughed.
7They-re going to the police station to report you right now4 9ou-re basicly fuc"ed now# Jordan4
e-re going to charge you.8
7!s that so0 ell good luc" trying to accomplish that considering your little pawn made the
bigger offense tonight. 9ou thin" you-re the first to try and charge me0 ! made mista"es that almost
did get me charged# ! "now what it ta"es to charge someone# ! "now what to say and what not to
say# what to do and what not to do. ! "now what ! can get away with and "now what you can-t.
atch your tongue girl# ! can ruin your life if you push me far enough.8
6endra blurted out a few useless insults and threats before ! heard her phone slam down onto the
receiver.
! went down to the police station to report what happened and found that 6onrad and 5iley were
already there complaining about me. ! didn$t care& they showed up on M9 property and threatened
ME. They couldn$t do shit to me no matter how bad they wanted.
An officer got us into a room to come up with a solution to the conflict. !t was at this time
6onrad was willing to tal" and wor" something out. The officer as"ed 6onrad what he was trying
to accomplish. 3e said he %ust wanted me to leave 6endra alone. ! e,plained that ! was disgusted to
"now the girl and would gladly leave her alone. The problem arose not because ! didn$t leave her
alone# it was because ! actually did.
! went bac" home where Adam came over to my place because he got "ic"ed out and didn$t have
anywhere else to go. ! stole the car again and went cruising down the highway with him.
Chapter %
*ear Death
! en%oyed the feeling of only paying attention to the road and listening to good tunes. The road
was covered with fresh snow fall and it didn$t matter how fast ! pushed the vehicle# it seemed to
have flawless traction. 2eing young and foolish# ! believed those horrifying car accidents were
something that happened to other people. (ot me.
! was racing toward :astlegar& it was (elson$s sister town about forty "ilometres away through
the mountains. ! was speeding e,cessively due to the fact that ! was e,tremely irritated by 6endra
and the turn of events that night.
! watched the speedometer pin hit one-si,ty. G ! was accustomed to driving at this speed. G A
sharp corner was coming up and ! reali+ed ! was going to fast to ma"e it around. 73old on#8 ! told
Adam who was in the passenger seat. A bad feeling hit my gut. A si,th sense sort of feeling that told
me something bad was about to happen. ! smoothly rolled around the curve in the road and
everything seemed fine. ! guess my mind set was a little off. !-d been a little edgy with the
enormous loads of drama rippling around me.
!n a half-second# everything turned horribly wrong. The steering wheel violently %olted to the left
and the vehicle s"idded sideways down the road. ! pulled bac" on the steering wheel trying to "eep
the vehicle straight. ! had too much speed to control and ! became instantly horrified. The vehicle
was lost and ! had the most imminent and detrimental choice to ma"e. .hould ! let the car collide
into roc" cliffside of the mountain or direct it toward the decline toward the la"e. hich option was
less li"ely to "ill us0 ! didn$t have enough time to ma"e a decision. !nstinct too" over and ! pulled
the vehicle away from smashing into the cliff. The car swerved toward the other side of the road and
we were sent flying off the emban"ment toward the la"e.
The hood of the car smashed into the mound of snow that separated paved order from wilderness
and into the air. My body elevated above the seat with the downward force. Ipon impact# ! watched
the hood of the car crumple as it smashed into a cluster of trees in our path. The car tipped forward
and pivoted# causing us to flip and roll toward the la"e uncontrollably.
There is a moment when you$re about to die that time slows down. 9our adrenal gland
completely empties itself in a last attempt to give you survivability. 9our brain processes your every
sight# smell# sound# and sensation at light bursting speeds.
As the car window e,ploded in my face upon another impact# it almost loo"ed beautiful
watching the glimmering shards float by me in seeming slow motion.
The vehicle continued to dive forward ripping a path through shrubs and spitting snow out of it$s
inevitable path.
(o4 9ou can$t die. (ot here and not now. hatever it ta"es# Jordan# whatever it ta"es. 9ou need
to get out of this car right now# my pure intsinct demanded of me.
!nstinct being the force it was# too" complete control of my body and forced to me whip my seat
belt off and "ic" the driver door open as ! prepared to lunge out of the vehicle. As ! pushed the door
open the vehicle slammed into another tree forcing my door bac" shut and "noc"ing me bac" into
my seat.
The only thing going through my mind was: this can$t be real# this has to be a bad dream# but it
wasn$t a dream. The car continued downward and ! could see the la"e coming into view.
! closed my eyes listening to the destructive sounds of impact. ! "new it was over# my life was
going to end here. ! had no choice but to accept death and braced myself for the coming moment.
(ot even for a moment did ! thin" of my family# god# or any girl ! had ever loved. All ! wondered
was what was on the other side and ! hoped that my conscience would survive the %ourney.
Then all of a sudden# everything stopped.
The forceful motions and destructive sounds of impact came to a dead silence. The vehicle was
motionless and ! was in shoc". ! loo"ed at my body in wonder if ! was hurt. All ! could feel was the
free+ing air tingling my shoc" stric"en face. Adam was unconscious and he came around a few
moments later.
;Get out of the car4; ! demanded with worry.
Adam <uic"ly shoved at his door but it refused to budge. My door could open and ! helped Adam
climb out as ! san" my feet on solid ground. ! wasn$t sure where the vehicle had stopped and made
sure we were out of the car in case it started rolling again.
The car pinned itself against a thic" tree trun" that was literally a few feet from the steep drop off
into the ice-cold la"e. ! couldn$t believe it. !t was too close for comfort.
! wobbled a few feet from the vehicle# fell onto my "nees# and started screaming at the top of my
lungs. ! was still letting all that adrenaline out.
;! was going to die. ! was going to fuc"ing die4 A33333334 ! accepted it. A3333334 !
fuc"ing accepted my death. ! closed my eyes4 3ow is this possible0;
;hat happened...; Adam said# mumbling. ! was clear he was in shoc".
! could see smo"e coming from what was left of the engine. (early half the hood had been
ripped off. A peice of car spoiler was laying beside my feet in the snow# and ! noticed a wide trail of
metallic debris in the wa"e of destrution.
! was in shoc". ! didn$t believe what %ust happened actually happened.
7Are you o"ay08 ! as"ed Adam ambivalently.
79eah#8 he replied. 3is voice was sha"en and uneasy.
! didn$t understand how neither of us had a scratch on us. /id we actually die and we were ghosts
that manifested out of our shredded bodies0
;Get out of my way#; ! told Adam as ! pushed him aside. ! needed to chec" if my dead body was
in the car because ! could barely believe we were both alive.
Two empty seats.
7! need to find my phone#; ! told Adam# ;! need to find my phone#8 ! muttered to myself as !
swept bro"en glass off the floor of the car loo"ing for where my phone could have gone.
7hy do you need your phone08 Adam as"ed. 3e must$ve been out of it.
7To call for help48 ! yelled in disbelief of his ridiculous <uestion.
79ou can-t call the cops4 e-ll be in so much shit.8
7(o# %ust me. 9ou were merely a passenger. All the legal repercussions go on me. ! probably %ust
fuc"ed up my whole life right here. !f !-m not loo"ing at %ail time# then !-ll have to pay for this car
since !-m not insured and ! don-t e,actly have thirty grand lying around. !-m going to lose my
license for a long time.
7/on-t call the cops. e can report the vehicle stolen.8
7And do what0 e$re in the fuc"ing middle of nowhere and we$ll fuc"ing come down with
ammonia or frostbite before we get anywhere#8 ! shouted in frustration.
Adam handed me his phone because ! couldnt locate mine amongst the wrec"age.
;9ou had a phone the whole time#; ! said infuriated# ;yet it never occured to you to call for help
while ! was loo"ing for mine to do %ust that0;
! snatched Adam$s phone out of his hand and dialed EDD to report my crash. The call assistant
notified us that help was on its way and as"ed <uestions li"e 7!s anyone was hurt0 3ow far out of
town are you0 Are you dressed for the weather08 !t didn$t matter# the weather didn$t bother me. !
was %ust standing there in shoc" and disbelief.
Adam and ! began climbing up the emban"ment with difficulty as our legs san" several feet into
the snow. e used the path of scattered bro"en trees and wrec"age to our advantage# finding our
way up.
To my surprise# ! spotted a small# silver device stic"ing out of the snow several do+en metres
away from the car. ! reached into the snow and pulled my phone from the fro+en snow. ! loo"ed
from my phone to Adam. 7e-re luc"y to be alive#8 ! stated and "ept thin"ing about the
repercussions of what %ust happened. ! began to feel sic" to my stomach. 7! don-t "now if !
would-ve been better off dieing in that crash. My life is going to go speeding downhill when ! get
bac" home#8 ! said gravely.
7/ude# %ust thin" of how much we learned from this48 Adam replied. 5age flooded my face. !
was tempted to stri"e Adam in the face. 3e was loo"ing at it as the e,perience of a lifetime# as an
e,citing story to tell. 3e is telling me to loo" at it as a good e,perience when he gets to wal" away
without so much as a slap on the wrist.
Adam and ! heard a car drive by and we figured we were about C? yards from the highway. !t
was si,teen degrees celsius and we didn$t have %ac"ets and began to get very cold# very fast. Adam
and ! made it bac" to the highway and remained standing on the road until a police truc" slowed
and pulled up in front of us. The officer stepped out of the truc" and told us to get inside to warm
up. The officer loo"ed up my driver-s license in the system and as"ed me if ! was suppose to be
driving. ! admitted that ! was driving illegally and that my parents didn$t "now ! had possession of
the vehicle. 3e told me to come down to the car with him to grab anything ! needed while he too"
pictures of the wrec"age. As we doubled bac"# we followed the route the car went down.
73oly#8 the officer stammered# 7this was bad4 ! can$t believe you wal"ed out of this untouched.8
As we were driving bac" to town the officer said we missed about two clusters of thic" trees and
hit the most level part of the emban"ment. !f we were going any other speed or hit the ban" at any
other spot we$d both li"ely be dead.
The officer pulled in front of my house. 79ou wrec"ed the only family car and your parents
didn$t "now you too" it. 2oy# ! wouldn$t want to be you right now. 9ou probably wish we could
"eep driving around the bloc" over and over again# huh08 he said.
79eah# that sounds pretty nice right now#8 ! said wea"ly.
79ou$d better come with me#8 the officer said before escorting me to front doorstep.
The officer "noc"ed on the door several times. !t was around C:?? a.m and it too" several
minutes for my father to answer the door.
7hat did he do now08 My father as"ed in a pissed off tone.
79our son had a bit of an accident with your car. 3e went off the ridge along the mountains
toward :astlegar. ! have to tell you# he must have a guardian angel or something because !$m
surprised he$s alive.8
My father scoffed and raised his arm to hit me but held bac" due to the presence of the officer.
! stepped inside slowly and collapsed in the doorway of my bedroom. The officer pulled out a
fine boo" and wrote up a five-hunded dollar fine for careless driving.
The night ended after two hours of screaming# yelling# and panic"ing from my parents before
admitting that ! needed some sort of professional help.
###
! dreamed about the crash all over again. !t was a nightmare and ! wo"e up sha"ing and felt li"e
pu"ing all morning. ! was clearly still in shoc" and was considering going to the hospital.
! "ept replaying the crash in my head over and over. Every detail# every sense# sound# sight# was
crystal clear and as vivid as actually being there. ! couldn$t sha"e the reality of what happened. !t
was the reali+ation of my mortality& ! was so closely removed from this world and ! didn$t "now
what to do or how to feel about it.
After laying in bed for two hours# ! went into the bathroom and loo"ed in the mirror. ! was pale
as a ghost. ! laid down beside the toilet bowl for nearly an hour waiting for myself to pu"e but never
did.
My parents called the insurance company and needed to get a replacement vehicle# but the only
way they could ac<uire one was if admitted to ta"ing the vehicle without permission. The insurance
company would replace the car to my parents and than go after me for the outstanding debt. ! had a
OJ@#??? debt to pay off. G A great way to finish school and start your life.
! had to see :ourtney. .he seemed to be the only good thing ! had left in my life. ! went to the
school and found her in the school library studying for e,ams. After telling her what ! had
e,perienced# she was overwhelmed with concern. ! pulled her out of the library for a moment so !
could tell her how ! really felt about her.
After nearly dying the night before# ! loo"ed at it as a second chance at life. ! made a promise to
myself& ! told myself that ! should be dead and the time ! lived after my accident was my new life. !
promised that ! would dramatically change my circumstances and that ! would do everything !-ve
held bac" from doing all my life. ! had to forget being self-conscious# insecure# depressed& those
characteristics didn$t apply to me any longer. ! would grow stronger and accomplish more than !
ever set out to do.
!t felt comforting to loo" at it li"e ! cheated death and whatever ! did now was a bonus in my life.
Everything ! did was what ! would have wished ! had done after ! was dead. !t was what ! would
have wanted to change if my life ended now.
:ourtney and ! sat beside each other on a bench in the hallway. ! loo"ed at her for a moment
thin"ing of my promise. ;After the crash and the shoc" died down the first thing ! thought of was
you. !-m luc"y to be alive and ! %ust want you to "now that ! care about you and you are one of the
only good things left in my life now.; ! said to her in a very even voice. .he blushed and wrapped
her arms around me very tightly. ! had given her a long "iss and then left for the impound lot to loo"
at the remains of my parent$s vehicle. The damage to the car was much more serious then ! had
reali+ed. My family collected the remaining belongings in the car and the vehicle was written off.
)ut of the hell of my day there was moment of relief and hope. /uring the late evening :ourtney
had te,ted me giving me an answer to my <uestion# ;Jordan# ! want to go out with you. ! want to be
your girlfriend.8
! smiled for a moment# %ust for a moment.
Chapter &
+edem$tion
Thoughts of the car crash still made me sic" to my stomach but ! had been "eeping true to my
promise. .ome ma%or differences had been appearing in my life and ! was starting to feel li"e the
person ! was meant to be. !t seemed that it was my insecurities holding me bac" from being the
person ! needed to be. ! thought that you should always pursue and see" fulfilment in your desires
no matter what they are or how complicated. Go for your goals because even if you fail# you can
loo" bac" and "now you did what was right for you# no regrets.
'ater in the wee"# ! found a letter in the mail addressed to me. ! opened it up it to find that it was
from !:2:# the only insurance company in 2ritish :olumbia# demanding me to surrender my
drivers license to them for a si, month suspension and then if ! pleased# to apply for another
learners license from scratch.
! couldn$t lose my license and start this driving bullshit from the beginning again. ! felt inclined
to hold onto my driver$s license so ! signed the papers ac"nowledging the surrender of my license
and attached a note to it# 7/river$s license is lost# no longer in my possession.8
! called *ordyce again# she almost didn$t ta"e my phone call. 7!f ! tal" to you and you call to me
stupid and get mad at me for my own decisions again# !$ll never answer another call from you
again#8 *ordyce e,plained firmly.
7!$m sorry for that# Jordan. ! can$t tell you how bad ! feel for that. 9ou %ust really caught me off
guard and you "now !$ve been having a lot of drama in my life. !t got a lot worse# li"e life shattering
worse and ! don$t "now# ! %ust need to tal" to someone and ma"e amends with you. After being so
close to death# ! "now ! wouldn$t want to leave the world with bad terms between us.8
7)"ay# e,plain to me what you$re tal"ing about.8
7! got into a car accident. A really bad one and !$m luc"y to even be here. !t is literally a fuc"ing
miracle that ! survived.8
73oly shit# are you o"ay08
71hysically# yes. Mentally# not so much. *or a while# ! was wishing ! died in that crash because
my whole life has been speeding downhill since. 2ut now !$m appreciative and than"ful to be alive.
! need to as" you something# do you thin" !$m a bad person08
7(o# you$re not a bad person. hy would you as" that08
7After my crash# ! told people# none of my friends seemed to have even care about what ! went
through. They didn$t blin" and they carried on with their usual lives. My e,-girlfriend# (icole# told
me she wished that ! died in that crash and that it would$ve completed her.8
7ow# well you don$t need to listen to someone li"e her. !f she could say something li"e that than
you don$t need a degenerate li"e her in your life anyway.8
7!$m still hurt over what happened between her and !# but !$m ignoring that and only loo"ing
ahead. This is my new life now and !$m living for everything ! doubted in myself before.8
###
! was offered an opportunity in Edmonton to start an electrical apprenticeship with my uncle$s
company and ! was leaving in less immediately. ! didn$t want to let go of the life ! had# especially
now that ! had found someone that fulfilled everything ! needed. 2ut ! had to let my life move
forward and push to bigger things.
! pic"ed :ourtney up from school nearly every day because we had so little time left together
before ! moved to Edmonton. ! needed to brea" the news to her and too" her for a wal" down a path
running alongside the mountain into the forest above town. e wal"ed for several minutes on the
solitary pathway# engaging in light conversation. !t was really <uite romantic.
! reached into my poc"et to grab a sterling silver nec"lace ! bought for her. .he gasped as !
placed it around her nec". Then ! gave her the envelope of which ! enclosed a poem ! had
handwritten.
;!t$s beautiful4; she e,claimed# ;hat$s it all for0;
;! have to give you a proper goodbye.;
;hat0 hat do you mean goodbye0;
;!$m leaving (elson. Going bac" to Edmonton to ma"e something of myself.;
;9ou can$t...%ust ma"e me fall in love with you and then leave4 !t$s not fair4;
;!f ! stay here# ! won$t have a future. There is nothing here. This town is primitive and desolate.;
;!$m here. ! can be your future.;
;!t$s not enough at this time. !f you wait for me# ! will come bac" for you. ! promise.;
! "issed her intensely before she could argue.
! wanted to stay but :ourtney wasn$t enough. !t wasn$t enough to be parading around in this
town# being caught up with a high school sweetheart# and fighting against those at odds with me. !
needed a fulfilling purpose# a career# e,citement# and even a little bit of danger.
(elson would never be enough for me.
I had closed the door upon my heart
and %ouldn)t let anyone in*
I had trusted and loved only to be hurt
but* that %ould never happen again.
I had loc"ed the door and tossed the "ey
as hard* and as far as I could*
!ove %ould never enter there again*
my heart %as closed for good.
Then you came into my life
and made me change my mind*
2ust %hen I thought that tiny "ey
%as impossible to find.
That)s %hen you held out your hand
And proved to me I %as %rong*
inside your palm %as the "ey to my heart.
-ou had it all along.
As ! got up to ma"e my departure# ! found a letter in my mailbo,.
EJordan* !ast night %hen I got home I %anted to %rite you a song but I couldn)t thin" of anything
4%hich is the first5 so I %rote you this instead. !ast night on the ride home* I %as listening to a
really good song called* I miss you by Shane and Shane. It "ind of represents my feelings for you. It
says= +h* I miss you so. It feels li"e forever. +h* it ta"es so long. It hurts to remember. 1hen I heard
the %ords to that chorus* I felt li"e crying because one day a%ay from you is hard enough* but
endless months... I don)t "no% %hat I?ll do. There are so many things I %ant to tell you. I %ant the
very best for you0 I 2ust %ant you to "no% something that too" me >uite a long time to doF I trust
you and have faith in you. It)s really hard for me to trust people cu. everyone I put all my trust in*
they thre% it all a%ay. They lied and covered it up %ith more lies but I "ne% the truth and it hurt so
bad "no%ing that they lied to me. I am so loyal and I 2ust don)t understand %hy it)s so hard for
people to tell me the truth. efore I %as afraid to trust you and I %asn)t sure %hether to believe you
or everyone else* but no% I trust you* Jordan. I love you and I %ant to be the perfect person for you
cu. %hat I %ant more then anything is to see you happy0 Everything about you inspires me and the
%ee" after %e first "issed* I started %riting and playing guitar again. I 2ust %ant you to "no% that
you mean a lot to me. I never %ant to lose you. I love you Jordan00 3 $ourtney 1i"strom.E


!!!
A man has t%o primary drives in early adulthood= +ne to%ard po%er* success* and
accomplishmentF the other to%ard love* companionship* and se<.
(eil .trauss# The Game
Chapter 1
Ultimate Pub ,ra-ls
Three months later...
;3old your arms up please.; ! held up my arms up and the bouncer gave me a <uic" pat down.
;Alright# you$re good#; the bouncer said letting me wal" through. ! wal"ed into the nightclub& it
was my first time in one and ! felt good.
!t was one of the most high class clubs in the city. There were statues of Egyptian gods at every
corner of the room# fifty inch ':/ screens lined the walls and their were e,otic dancers on the
balconies. ! too" a seat at the bar counter and ordered a vod"a tonic.
73ey Jordan48 5achel greeted cheerfully G The female dancer ! met at :.MT many years ago. G
as she and her se,y blonde friend# 6aty# came running up to me. ! hadn$t seen 5achel since :.MT.
!t was nice to catch up with someone who was there with me in the beginning.
;9ou e,cited0; 5achel as"ed.
;9eah# this place is intense#; ! replied over the music.
7Good# !-m going to be dancing in circles all around you all night4 (ow let me e,plain to you
how the pub crawl wor"s. e have an hour at this club until we need to get onto the party bus. e
have to be on it at fifteen after# sharp4 Then we go to /iamonds# then it$s Inion 3all and 'uc"y D=#;
e,claimed 5achel.
;.ounds good. ell let-s get dancing. ! want to see these circles4; ! challenged 5achel.
5achel too" me to the dance floor and 6aty followed.
;Jordan ! haven$t seen you dance in years. 9ou have to show me all your new stuff4; said 5achel
with much enthusiasm.
;.how me some of your hip hop# 5achel# and then maybe !-ll show you what !-ve got4; ! replied.
5achel tried to do a little dancing but it was clear that she had been out of it for too long. .he
encouraged me again to do my thing and ! held up my end of the deal. ! started dancing and flaring
up the most impressive moves ! had to show.
5achel was very impressed. 6aty and 5achel sandwiched me. 6aty# who already appeared
into,icated began to grind her ass against my crotch.
! wasn$t attracted to 5achel herself# but she sure did have %aw-dropping friends.
After the dancing# ! decided to go bac" to the bar counter to buy myself another drin". 5achel
and 6aty followed close behind me li"e shar"s honing in on the scent of blood. 7:an you buy us
drin"s# please08 They as"ed in their cutest voices.
! bought a couple rounds of Jac" /aniels for the three of us& we continued hitting shots and
ma"ing %o"es. 5achel and 6aty grabbed their third round from me and told me they were going
bac" to the dance floor to mingle with some other guys.
! was unimpressed being used for drin"s so they could go hang out with other dudes& 6aty
seemed to have sensed it. .he wrapped her arms around my bac" and whispered into my ear. ;:ome
find me at the bac" of the bus when we leave#; before shooting me a seductive glare.
At D?:D> sharp# 5achel# 6aty# and myself went outside and blended into a group of people who
were waiting to get on the blac" party bus.
An immaculately groomed# tan s"inned# well-dressed man began blowing on a whistle and told
everyone to <uiet down as he stood in the doorway of the bus. ;)"ay# first off# my name is Jay and
than" you for partying with Iltimate 1ub :rawls: the best pub crawl in the city4 (ow we$re going
to be doing a lot of illegal shit on this bus and if we get caught it$s our bus driver here that ta"es the
blame# so all ! as" is a small# small tip for our bus driver during the night. ! have only one rule: 9ou
can pound on my bus# you %ust can$t 1)I(/ on my bus4 (ow it$s my friend# 5ic"$s birthday so
we-re all going to sing him happy birthday. 2ut instead of saying his name. e$re going to say $ 9ou
fuc"er4$8
The bus load of people were very lively and drun" as we filled the bus. ;3appy 2irthday# you
fuc"errrr#; we all began singing.
;:ran" the music4; Jay yelled. The music was hit to a boom and the bus full of si, do+en people
were dancing their drun"en hearts out. 1eople crac"ed open bottles of li<uor# hit to"es# and snorting
cocaine off the seats.
The bus sped through the city and went downtown to where the true nightlife was at. ! was
offered multiple beers and shots of spirits from random people# getting decently into,icated.
6aty was at the bac" of the bus li"e she promised and ! sat down beside her in front of the
stripper pole that stood in the center of the floor.
79ou$re "ind of cute#8 she breathed into my ear.
79ou$re pretty forward# ! li"e it#8 ! complimented.
6aty %umped on the stripper pole and began dancing around it# ! got up and she leaned bac"
rubbing herself against me. ! made out with her until the bus turned around a corner and par"ed in
front of a li<our store.
&yself and /aty on the party bus.
7:an you buy me some coolers08 6aty slurred.
7!$ll see what ! can do#8 ! replied. ! left the bus and entered the li<our store. ! grabbed a si, pac"
of beer and a one litre bottle of cooler for 6aty.
A cop car pulled up in front of the li<our store and ! could hear Jay panic"ing# 7*uc"# fuc"48 Jay
was flipping shit and called the bus driver from the li<uor store# ;Get the fuc" out of here4 :ops are
%ust outside. /rive off for twenty minutes and then come bac"4;
The bus pulled out as a precaution to avoid attracting attention. The officers came inside the
li<our store and began chec"ing identification. G They "new something was up.
After paying# 6aty# 5achel# and ! stepped outside the li<our store. An East-!ndian male who had
previously gotten high on the bus began frea"ing out. 7:all me a fuc"ing ambulance now4 9ou guys
drugged me4 hat the fuc" is happening08
7:alm down# calm down. !t$s %ust the weed# man# it$s %ust the weed#8 his friends were trying to
e,plain.
7(o#8 the east !ndian demanded# 7! need a doctor right now48
79ou don$t need a doctor# you %ust need to rela,48
7*uc" you# guys. 9ou$re trying to "ill me48 the !ndian screamed as he began climbing on top of
the police cruiser and sat cross legged on top of the vehicle.
;Get the fuc" off of there# do you want to get arrested0;
6aty laughed# 7That "id is so fuc"ed# ! hope he gets arrested.8
Moments later the cops wal"ed out of the li<uor store to discover what was going on.
;)fficers# please help me. ! need a doctor. They made me smo"e weed on the bus4; the !ndian
urged in panic.
The cops remained calm and didn$t say a word until they reached the cruiser. ;:ome down#; one
of the officers demanded. The "id moved closer to the edge of the car and the two officers ripped
him off# dropped him to the ground# and began twisting his arms around his bac". The officer that
had him pinned continued yelling at him to stop resisting while getting violently rough with the "id.
The "id clearly wasn$t resisting and these cops were abusing their power.
e decided it wasn$t a good idea to stic" around and started wal"ing a couple bloc"s away. Jay
caught up to us. ;ell at least the "id too" the cops off our hands#; Jay said with a smir" and got
bac" on the phone to tell the bus driver to come get us. After an enduring conversation on the
phone# Jay told us to wait where we were before he too" off running down the street.
7here the hell is he going08 ! as"ed.
7ho the fuc" "nows#8 5achel replied. 7it$s cold and !$m fuc"ing free+ing. *uc" inter48
73ug me#8 6aty demanded. ! wal"ed up to her and held her.
5achel$s phone started ringing. ! could hear Jay$s voice on the other end# 7Get the fuc" over to
D>E
th
street and @C
th
ave fast4 This bus is leaving without you48
7e need to go#8 5achel shouted# 7!$m not getting left behind on another pub crawl.8
7Another08 ! as"ed as we began running down the street to the intersection Jay directed us to.
79eah#8 5achel panted# 7! got too drun" at the club last wee" and Jay fuc"ing left without me.8
7That guy is an asshole#8 ! laughed hysterically. ! don$t "now why ! found that so funny# probably
the boo+e.
e saw the bus driving away at the intersection ahead of us. The rear emergency door opened
and Jay was hanging off the handle screaming at us to run faster.
7Go# go# go# hurry up# bitches48 The bus was driving roughly thirty "ilometres per hour and 6aty
%umped onto the bus as it was increasing it$s speed. Jay grabbed her hand to pull her in but she
slipped and ! put both hands forward and shoved her ass bac" onto the bus. ! %umped up a second
later as Jay pulled me in.
73oly fuc"# we %ust %umped onto a moving bus48 ! worded in between breaths.
75achel# lose some weight#8 Jay laughed# as she fell behind and the bus drove off without her.
5achel flipped Jay off the distance.
7:an$t we go bac" for her08 ! as"ed# 7! feel horrible.8
7.he$s been cutting money off the top ever since she started wor"ing for me. .he can find her
own way home#8 Jay said humorously.
The bus pulled into the par"ing lot of the strip club and a rush of people came off the bus with
their party spirits in full throttle.
/iamond$s Gentlemen :lub was more than ! imagined. ! entered the club and sat down in the
B!1 section with 6aty and Jay. Jay was entitled to free lap dances but he was too busy ensuring his
pub crawl clients were buying drin"s. .
The pub crawl tic"ets included B!1 access to all clubs and certain number of free shots at each
club. /o+ens of te<uila shots were lined up at our table and about four strippers came to as" me if !
wanted a dance.
;3ey cutie. 3ow-s it going0 9ou having a good time tonight0; as"ed the stripper.
;!-m pretty good and ! sure am#; ! replied to the stripper.
;/o you want to dance with me and my friend Joyce0; she as"ed as she put her arm around me.
.trippers are a waste of money# ! thought to myself. ;!-m good at the moment#; ! told her. The
stripper nodded and went to go find other customers.
6aty ditched me and was all over a set of guys that were on our pub crawl bus. ! watched 6aty# !
learned how she wor"ed. .he was "issing a few of the guys after they bought her drin"s# and then
she ditched them before moving onto another set of men. .he was having her fun# wondering how
drun" she could get for free.
)ne of the guys 6aty had %ust swindled a few rounds from noticed me observing him3 he came
near my table and said# ;2itches# those girls are fuc"ing hoes.;
;/on$t worry about it#8 ! said in my thic" drun"en voice# 7girls li"e that are nothing more than
disposable pleasures meant to be passed around.;
;3arsh man#; he replied.
;They made that reputation for themselves#; ! assured him.
Jay started to blow on his whistle again and announced that it was time to go to the ne,t club.
The bus blasted music all the way to hyte Ave to 'uc"y D=. The bus par"ed across the street from
the club# so we had to travel through a crosswal".
A couple attractive women were chatting a few feet in front of me. ! decided to catch up and
approach the girls# but in that moment# a cab slammed on its bra"es and couldn$t stop in time. The
vehicle plowed into one of the young women "noc"ing her over. .he was overly into,icated and
didn$t reali+e what %ust happened to her.
;)h my god# you$re bleeding4; panic"ed her friend.
;! am0; the into,icated girl responded in confusion. ! loo"ed down at her leg to see blood
running down it at an alarming rate. ! stepped up and put her arm around my shoulder and e,plained
that ! was going to help get her off the road. ! carried her to the sidewal" and laid her down before
dialing $EDD$ and waited until the paramedics arrived. The in%ured girl$s friend than"ed me for being
the only one who stepped up to help. .he told me her name was Beronica# and gave me her phone
number.
hen ! made my way into 'uc"y D=# ! s<uee+ed onto the dance-floor. ! danced with a few
random girls but couldn$t really get anywhere with them because ! couldn$t hear my own voice over
the music# let alone theirs.
6aty fell into me out of nowhere and was about to fall face first onto the floor until ! caught her
in my arms.
76aty# what the fuc"08 ! shouted.
7!$m so fuc"ing drun"48 she laughed as she turned around and began grinding against me. .he
nearly fell over again and ! brought her over to the entrance until she collapsed onto the floor
whining about how she didn$t want to leave.
The bouncer sitting by the entrance came over and told me ! had two minutes to get her out of
the building until they removed her themselves.
! got her to come outside where ! hailed down a cab and %umped into the bac"seat with her.
7hat$s your address# 6aty08
(o answer. .he passed out cold.
6aty wo"e up barely coherent and began mumbling# 79ou can$t ta"e me home. My dad will "ill
me if you ta"e me home li"e this. 9ou don$t "now what he$s li"e.8
! told the cab driver to ta"e us to my address instead. The driver dropped us off and 6aty seemed
to have sobered up enough to wal" straight.
7!s this where you live08 6aty as"ed.
79es# but we$re not going there#8 ! said as ! led her through a couple sub-divisions to my friend#
1aige$s home. Most my friends and ! referred to her house as the mini-mansion. !t was a wide three
floor home# with three living rooms# two "itchens# four washrooms# si, bedrooms# a full basement
suite# a garage that could store a tan"# and a pool in the bac"yard. ! too" 6aty into the bac"yard of
the mini-mansion and unloc"ed the bac" door with a "ey code.
7hose house is this08 6aty as"ed s"eptically before stepping inside.
7My friend# 1aige$s.8
7/oes she even "now you$re here08
7e "now eachother well enough that she gave me the door code and tells me to %ust come in
whenever ! want to see her. .he$s always awa"e around this time. :ome on.8
e went down to the basement suite where 1aige and a handful of her friends were standing on a
coffee table dancing and drin"ing vod"a while a couple others were huddled around her computer
loo"ing at guys on *aceboo".
1aige greeted me#7)h hi# Jordan4 hat$s up08
7(ot much# %ust got bac" from a night out in the city. My new friend here# 6aty# had a little too
much to drin" and needs a place to crash for the night. :an she stay here08
79eah# no problem. My friends are all sleeping over here anyway.8 1aige %umped off the table
and ran up to 6aty and invited her to ma"e herself at home while introducing her to everybody.
1aige welcomed 6aty warmly.
! sat down on the couch# rela,ing while 1aige started dancing on the table again with her sister#
Jill. 6aty started to feel better and got in on the action. ! watched them move their bodies se,ually
and ! was starting to feel a little seduced.
1aige tossed me the bottle of vod"a and ! decided to get drun" again. ! %umped on the coffee
table with the girls and began grinding against 6aty once more. .he was en%oying it and 1aige
grabbed my ass. This is fuc"ing heaven# ! thought# grinning.
hile grinding on 6aty# ! started contemplating if ! should "iss her. ! turned her around# leaned
in for the "iss# but the table had enough. A leg snapped and we all came tumbling off into a big dog
pile laughing our asses off.
7/on$t worry about it#8 1aige laughed# 8! have another one in storage.8
! sat bac" down on the couch. 6aty planted herself beside me and whispered in my ear# 7! don$t
li"e your friend# she$s too rich.8
! loo"ed at her discerningly. 7.he$s been e,tremely friendly to you# she$s offering you a place to
sleep and you$re %udging her0 9ou$re unreal#8 ! scoffed.
6aty turned her bac" to me and leaned the other way on the couch. .he pulled out her phone and
began reading te,t messages.Gor at least pretended to.
! got up and went into a separate room to drin" with 1aige privately. 79ou are an ama+ing friend#
1aige. 9ou$ve been there for me time and time again.8
7Anytime# Jordan#8 she smiled# 7! li"e your new friend. .he seems really cool.8
7!$m distancing myself from her for the moment.sshe said something that offended me.
Apparently# you$re too rich for her to li"e.8
71eople li"e to hate#8 she laughed and started to tease# 7what$s the real story behind her0 .he$s
really good loo"ing# Jordan trying to get laid08
There was a "noc" on the door. ! answered it to find 6aty standing there with moist eyes li"e she
was about to brea" down crying. 7:an ! tal" to you08 she as"ed. ! too" her upstairs and out into the
bac"yard.79ou didn$t tell 1aige what ! said about her did you08
7(o#8 ! lied.
7Good. Everyone li"e hates me right now. All these guys ! met tonight are calling me a bitch and
a player and shit.8
;9ou did ma"e out with three different guys tonight#; ! e,plained to her.
7!t$s not my fault# ! %ust wanted to have fun. ! didn$t promise those guys anything and they treat
me li"e dirt.8
79ou$re a bar star when you do that# it$s only pro%ecting the image that you want attention out of
them. )f course they$re going to act coldly toward you.8
79eah# but ! was having fun with you and you didn$t mind.8
! loo"ed at her grimly.
7)h#8 she peeped.
Tears began rolling down her face. ;!-m sorry# Jordan.;
7! forgive you. 9ou %ust need to ma"e better choices#; ! told her.
;! won$t party anymore. ! always do stupid things when !-m drun"#; 6aty said as she loo"ed into
my eyes. .he moved in to "iss me and ! "issed her bac".
! wasn$t too convinced she meant what she said or if it was %ust the boo+e tal"ing but we were
both too captured in the moment to let romance sit aside that night.
Chapter 2
The Game
! began indulging myself in new studies. ! sought out an underground community of pic" up
artists and learned the secrets of attraction with them. At first ! was only wor"ing with the theories
these men presented to me# but after trying them out at bars and clubs# they became law.
! had been randomly browsing in my local boo" store and came across an intriguing boo". $The
Game: 1enetrating The .ecret .ociety of 1ic" Ip Artists$ by (eil .trauss8 *rom the moment !
ga+ed upon it$s blac" vinyl e,terior and loo"ed upon it$s gold and red interior# it spo"e volumes of
content to me.
79ou found the best boo" in this entire store#8 a slimy character wearing a :hapters uniform
from behind me spo"e. .lic"ed blonde hair down to his shoulders# he bec"oned to the boo" with his
boney finger and a greasy grin# 7!t wor"s# my friend.8
7hat e,actly is the boo" about08 ! as"ed him.
7hy# the art of seduction# my friend. !t$s a grand boo" and if you read this# you can have any
woman you want# ! mean any woman48
;.ounds li"e a high e,pectation for reading a boo".; ! flipped the boo" over and loo"ed at the
price tag: OCF.EE. 73oly shit# that$s e,pensive for a boo".8
79ou must thin" of it as an investment# my friend. .ure# it$s a little steep but the number of
e,periences that you will gain after reading that boo"# no amount of money can buy.8
7! thin" !$ll purchase it#8 ! decided in curiosity.
7E,cellent48 The creepy store cler" clapped his hands in e,citement# 7!$ll ring it up for you.8
After charging me for the boo"# he introduced himself as Arnaldo and offered me his phone
number. 7hen you have been enlightened# contact me and ! will show you the way.8
! input Arnaldo# $the enlightened one$s$ digits into my phone thin"ing# this guy can$t be for real#
and immediately discarded them as ! pretended to save him as a contact.
'ater in the night# ! dove into the studies of pic" up artistry and attraction to find myself
impressed and in awe. The men in this boo" "new no limits and collectively built attraction into a
science. :onse<uently# ! had reali+ed that a lot of the tactics ! used to flirt with women in high
school where mentioned in this boo"# e,cept in a much more professional and advanced form. !
learned what ! had always done right# and what ! had always done wrong with women.
! need to put this stuff to the test# ! thought to myself# grabbing my %ac"et. ! headed out to the
nearest nightclub.
As ! entered the Inion 3all# ! spotted what loo"ed li"e the most beautiful girl in the club. !
approached her and said# 7! need a female opinion on something.8 ! as"ed a <uestion that re<uired
her own genuine perspective and she began to spill out rants left and right. !t was difficult for me to
get a word in.
!t was so fascinating& generally most friends and ! as"ed women <uestions that only re<uired a
$9es$ or a $(o$ answer. .o all we got were $9es$s$ and $(o$s$. Then we would only bombard her with
the boring and standard interview-li"e <uestions: what do you do for wor"0 3ow old are you0 hat
do you li"e to do0
This information was so obvious if you too" the time to thin" about it# but no one stopped to
thin" about it. Men are intimated by women and free+e up because they$re afraid of re%ection. !t$s
that e,act fear of re%ection that causes us to become re%ected more than anything else.
! continued tal"ing to the attractive blonde and eventually lost her interest and as she started to
give me one worded answers to everything ! said.
7.o if you were put in that situation# what would you do08 ! as"ed.
79eah.8
79eah08
.he turned her bac" to me and began tal"ing to her friend. 3er friend gave me a strange loo" and
bro"e eye contact. ! aw"wardly wal"ed away and eventually went home and straight to the boo"
again. ! got a small taste of what $The Game$ had to offer# and ! was hoo"ed.
! finished reading the boo" within a wee" and became determined to achieve the standards the
men in the boo" reached. They lived a lu,urious lifestyle through what they learned. !t was ama+ing
what a group of people with similar interests could achieve when coming together& they started
seminars and wor"shops charging as much as OD??? a person. They brought in thousands of people
because the "nowledge these people had was so effective and underground. 7The modern player is
well under the radar*8 the boo" claimed# and it was true.
The Game mentioned these places called 'airs and they were popping up in every ma%or city.
The 'air was where every pic" up artist was welcome and went to share "nowledge and to pool
ideas.
! located an online forum dedicated to pic" up artists in Edmonton. ! got to "now the people
within these forums and it was through them that ! discovered the Edmonton 'air. They held a
meeting once a month downtown and rented out a massive room in the city public library.
! was given a formal invitation into the Edmonton 'air after becoming "nown enough on the
forums. )n a .unday afternoon# ! too" the subway downtown and reached the libraries$ fourth floor.
A bouncer-loo"ing man stood in the doorway and as"ed me for the password. 79ellow duc"#8 ! said
to him. 3e waved me in and ! nearly stopped dead as ! entered the room. Every loser you could
imagine in highschool was here. Their were people whose faces were covered in acne# people
wearing dress shirts tuc"ed into their pants# people roc"ing feathered boas$# and even a man with
down-syndrome.
! was considered a loser bac" in highschool# but ! did not belong there. ! turned around to leave
but someone had shouted 73ey# are you JGardiner from the forums08
79eah# that would be me#8 ! said as ! turned to loo" at a 6orean wearing a vest and fedora.
7:ome sit over here#8 he said while patting his hand on the empty chair beside him.
hat the hell# ! thought to myself# ! may as well ma"e the most of this.
7!$m 5ich#8 he said as he leaned over and presented his hand.
A man whistled as he wal"ed in front of the group. 3e was tall# athletic# and well-groomed&
finally# a guy ta"es loo"s li"e he could have any woman he wanted. 73ello# my name is 5yan for all
the new faces here today. Infortunately# we have to start with some bad news. There are rumors
going around the net that there is going to be a bloc"buster movie made about us. Apparently a film
company in 3ollywood has purchased the screen rights from $The Game.$ !f a movie is made about
us# it will become mainstream and then our secrets are out in the open# our "nowledge loses it$s
value and it won$t wor" because everyone will "now about it. They$ll as" us# $Are you using those
lines from that movie0$ and we$re busted4
7!f this is in fact true# than we have to innovate our art#8 a man from the group shouted angrily.
7e can$t memori+e the lines we read# we need to master the theories and ma"e our own routines.8
7Alright#8 ! spo"e up# 7honestly# ! %ust finished reading The Game and this is my first meeting#
but ! li"e what this guy is saying# a movie could come and fuc" everything up# but if you learn the
theory and not the scripted lines you say to a girl# than we can come up with our own material and
no movie can bring that into the spotlight.8
After the meeting# many strange people approached me. 7! li"ed your comment about the movie#
! thin" you can be one of the leaders#8 one of them told me. Another came up and as"ed me to go
sarging with him. .arging was the term used for go out and pic" up women. 5ich# the man that
as"ed me to sit down by him seemed li"e a smart guy however# we e,changed digits and decided to
hit the clubs ne,t wee"end.
That was my first and last 'air meeting.
Chapter 3
,heerleaders
! went to many clubs with 5ich and opened many women using the new openers ! learned. !
found myself tal"ing to the types of girls ! had been re%ected by and too scared to tal" to in
highschool. These girls were interested in tal"ing to me and were flirting uncontrollably.
! even managed to get this one girl named Ashley begging me to ta"e her home. ! was hesitant
and didn$t her find her as attractive as most of the other girls ! wanted to ta"e home# but ! settled.
Ashley was brunette# had blue eyes# a nice dar" tan# and was a cheerleader# but had a disgusting
overbite and bad breath. ! too" her to my car after the club closed and after getting there she as"ed
me not to start the car. .he opened the door and ! heard a nasty splatter of alcohol and stomach acid
hit the pavement.
7Are you o"ay08 ! as"ed.
79eah# !$m fine#8 she said %ust before ! heard a another splatter. ! felt sic" to my stomach.
7)"ay# !$m good#8 she said as she leaned bac" in and shut the door to my car# 7we going to your
place08
7!$m feeling a little bit tired# ! thin" !$m going to hit the sheets soon. here do you live# !$ll ta"e
you home.8
7)h same# !$m tired too#8 she told me her address and said# 7!$m going to go to bed too.8
*uc" off# ! thought to myself# this damn girl has been mimic"ing me all night. Tells me she
doesn$t li"e (ine !nch (ails# then ! say ! do# then she says# 7)h# ! li"e them too.8 3er voice was
dripping with desparation.
After ! too" her home# ! began thin"ing deeply for the whole drive bac". This was a huge lesson
in higher value to me. ! met Ashley# used my techni<ues and made her interested. .he was showing
every sign of attraction for me# but ! wasn$t attracted to her. ! was running material# putting on an
act to gain the attention of her and her group of friends. hen ! ran out of material# the act was
over. ! left the group and Ashley followed# ! let her "iss me but she then she wouldn$t stop ta"ing
them. ! pulled away# ! withdrew any interest ! had in her and Ashley wasn$t stupid# she recogni+ed
that ! pulled away and tried to gain my interest bac". 2ut the more she tried# the more ! wanted to
pull away and the more ! pulled away# the more she tried.
! had higher value than her# that$s why she grew attached to me so fast. !t was the same for me
and one-hundred other scenarios. ! was a loser in high school# was attracted to the most popular girl
and she was o"ay with me at first# but then ! told her that ! li"ed her. .he distanced herself from me.
! thought that by trying harder# ! could ma"e her come to li"e me# but no# the harder you try# the
more you lower your value to that person and the more you push them away. !t was common& it
happened millions of times a day to millions of different people. The amount of interest someone
has in you is e<ual to the amount of value you have to them and vice versa. After reali+ing this# for
many following nights !$d been testing people# playing with the idea of values# it was li"e learning
about psychology and how to manipulate the outcomes of certain scenarios.
!t became my new ma%or goal: to master the art of socialism. ! wasn$t as interested in pic" up as
was for socialism as a whole. !nstead of letting things come to me by chance and hoping for some
cute girl to approach me or to find a way to ma"e a friend forgive me over something# ! would see"
these scenarios out and "new e,actly what triggers to pull to gain what ! sought after.
! would attain the outcomes and opportunities ! wanted# ! wasn$t going to wait anymore. ! wanted
to live the life ! envisioned for myself and ! found the tools to attain it. There was no slowing down.
!t wasn$t %ust a way to meet women# it was a lifestyle# con<uering your fear of women was
mastering socialism. The s"ills you learn to tal" to women# the demonstrations of higher value and
the way you sell yourself and present yourself could also be used for %ob interviews# meeting a new
group of friends# and ma"ing sales pitches. Every aspect of life benefited.
###
! went bac" to browsing for women online and messaged them with the engineered cut and paste
routines.
ithin a month my phone was littered with hundreds of phone numbers for attractive women
wanting to meet up. !t was difficult to use these numbers because out of the masses# it was hard to
remember which girl was who.
! was caught calling girls by names that weren$t their own and repeating routines !$d already
recited to me them numerous times before. ! %ust couldn$t "eep trac" anymore. This was a problem
and ! had too" on more women than ! could handle. Many became disposable to me. !$d meet many
fantastic women in one day# but my favorite was the one ! could pay the best attention to# ma"ing
the rest discarded.
The problem of value came bac" to me. ! discarded all the women ! met for my single favorite
girl# so ! lost all the women but one. ! usually tried too hard or gave too much of myself away for
the favorite that ! lost my value to her and by the end of the day ! left myself with nothing.
My Game needed to be twea"ed. My logistics were off.
###
Ashley# my first true seduction using pic" up artist material# continued messaging me to hang
out.G .he was good loo"ing aside from the overbite.
! too" an interest in her with the intention of friendship# but she became increasingly infatuated
with me# wanting to spend every moment with me. .he was letting out pure need and it was
brutally unattractive.
Ashley called me and she wanted me to come watch her at the annual cheerleading provincials at
est Edmonton Mall. ! obliged and arrived at the indoor arena that was surrounded by masses of
people. ! shuffled through the crowd until ! got a good view. My %aw dropped open# ! had never
seen cheerleaders in my life before. ! began chec"ing out girls at every left# right# and center.
:heerleaders were spinning# %umping# and doing flips. ! was watching girls in red shirts and
white s"irts doing flips off eachother and throwing dance moves around with immense energy. !
spotted a team wearing blac" shirts# blac" s"irts# and white bows at the top of their head waiting for
their turn to perform. The white bows loo"ed a lot li"e bunny ears which ! got a lot of amusement
from. !t reminded me of a time in my dance class in high school: all the girls were doing fancy
ballet hops around me# ! couldn$t imagine them as anything but cute bunny rabbits hopping around
me# their bunny rabbit "ing.
The blac" bunny rabbits eventually moved onto the center of the floor and started doing their
dance and cheering. Two caught my attention the most: a brunette that loo"ed a lot li"e Jordan
*ordyce and a vivid blonde with perfect lips# perfect eyes# pluc"ed eye brows# and a perfect
comple,ion& ! was drawn in by her beauty.
At that moment# ! had the cra+iest idea: it wouldn-t be too bad to %oin cheerleading. ! was a good
athlete and ! could dance with# toss# and cheer with a bunch of girls in mini-s"irts. 3ow bad could
that be0
The blac" bunny rabbits finished their routine and the music stopped. The team dispersed and
separated into the masses. The vivid blonde happened to wal" into my pro,imity# ! spun around and
wal"ed over to open conversation before a couple of guys ran up and began hugging her. They lifted
her up into the air shouting# 79ou were great48
! withdrew the approach. !$ll get one of these cheerleaders# ! thought to myself.
73ey Jordan48 ! heard Ashley$s voice from behind me say.
7:rap#8 ! muttered under my breath and turned around# 73ey# how$s it going08
7/id you see me08
79eah# you were ama+ing48 ! lied. ! arrived late and missed her performance.
.he grabbed onto my hand and pulled me through the mall# 79ou$re coming to see $atchmen$
with me.8 ! tried to refuse but she insisted and had already bought me a tic"et in advance. ! really
hoped she didn$t thin" it was a date.
Things were progressing a little further with her than ! had anticipated. ! had to paint the picture
clearer for her& ! only wanted friendship#but ! didn$t want to brea" her sweet# little# %oyful heart.
e got into the cinema# ! was really bored of the movie# and ! could see Ashley turning to loo" at
me multiple times throughout the film. ! continued loo"ing at the screen pretending to be oblivious
to it. .he eventually placed her hand over mine. ! %ust about cried inside. ! loo"ed at her& her eyes
were so beady and full of desperation. .he leaned forward very slowly# my stomach churned. ! let
her "iss me out of pity. 3er saliva was pasty and ! could feel myself about to gag. ! %umped up and
ran out of the movie theater as fast as ! could.
! completely ditched Ashley and started wal"ing around the mall feeling sic" and really bad for
her. My phone dinged# 7here did you go08 she as"ed. ! didn$t have it in me to reply.
! sat down in the food court chowing down at Taco 2ell until 6aty called me# ;Jordan# you got to
come party with me and my girl tonight4 e miss you. here are you0; ! told them where ! was
and 6aty continued# ;)"ay# we-re coming right now. /on$t go anywhere4;
hen 6aty caught up with me# she introduced me to her friend# Beronica. ! strangely recogni+ed
Beronica but couldn$t figure it out# then it hit me. .he was the girl that gave me her phone number
for helping her friend to the sidewal" after being hit by a ta,i. .mall world.
6aty e,plained that she got me a pub crawl tic"et and that ! was going on it with her whether !
li"ed it or not. 6aty said it with a smile so bright that it was impossible to deny her demand.
;*ree pub crawl# how can ! turn that down0; ! replied# returning the same bright smile. !t would
be my second time on an Iltimate 1ub :rawl.
e arrived at The Empire. !t was ;5ed :arpet .aturday; when the high-class dress code was in
affect. 'uc"ily# ! was dressed nicely and so were the girls. e wal"ed in and got the regular pat
down.
)n the pub crawl bus# Jay was laying down his rules as he did every wee"end. ;Alright
everyone# we$re about to do a lot of illegal shit# and ! have a couple rules.; Every pub crawl it came
down to Jay having only one rule that mattered: no one pounded on his bus. ;9ou can pound on the
bus# but you can$t 1)I(/ on the bus.;
! met some new people on the pub crawl. .hane# who was a pure alpha male# introduced himself
to me before throwing an attractive brunette on top of me. .he was drun" out of her mind#7ho are
you0 hy the fuc" am ! here0 here$s .hane08 she as"ed before she got up and went loo"ing for
him toward the front of the bus.
! loo"ed at .hane at the front of the bus and he was ma"ing out with another brunette. ! decided
to cut him a brea" in hope of ma"ing a friend. 73ey48 ! shouted at the attractive brunette that was
%ust on top me# 7.hane$s bac" here48 ! e,claimed. ! saw .hane ma"e eye-contact with me before
giving me a nod and devilish grin.
73e is08 the brunette as"ed dumbfounded# 7but ! don$t see him.8
3oly fuc"# ! laughed thin"ing# this girl is so fuc"ing loaded. ! managed to tal" her into sitting
bac" down beside me.
7! don$t see him#8 she continued to whine.
73e$ll be right bac"#8 ! promised.
.hane returned and opened his arms to embrace her# 7There you are48
!t seemed .hane had found someone else to ta"e the brunette off his hands while he came bac"
and sat down beside me on the bus.
7Than"s for covering for me# you$re a good guy#8 he said to me as he raised his fist waiting for
me to bump it. ! learned that .hane was a cheerleading coach# he was there celebrating with a group
of girls that did really well during the provincials. ! told him ! was at the cheerleading provincials
earlier and was stunned by some of the girls !$d seen& ! as"ed him if could introduce me to some of
them.
.hane assured me he would get me ac<uainted with some of the hottest cheerleaders he "new.
.hane was admirable# he had the natural social s"ills that most people had to practice to get.
e arrived at Eden# this strip club was much more fancy then /iamonds& the women were better
loo"ing# more fle,ible# and the atmosphere breathed class. There were a do+en strippers lined up on
stage and a guy sitting on his hands on a chair. They were choosing random people out of the crowd
to come up onto the stage. The luc"y random got to pic" what stripper he wanted to dance for him
and she would give him a little taste of what happened in the bac" rooms.
.hane sat beside me and told me about how he "new one of the strippers lined up on stage. 3e
was shoc"ed that she became a stripper# ;(o way# ! can$t believe that. ! went to high school with
that girl and she was li"e a straight A student#8 he said pointing to her.
! wasn$t paying much attention to the strippers because a girl across the room caught my eye# it
was the vivid blonde cheerleader ! nearly approached earlier. .he loo"ed even better out of her
cheerleading uniform because she was wearing a slim blac" dress that dropped less then half way
down her tanned legs and e,posed most of her bac". .he was by herself drin"ing a vod"a cooler. !t
was the perfect open.
;!$ll catch you at the ne,t club# .hane.; ! told him and wal"ed across the room. ! reached the
blonde$s table and sat down in front of her. ;9ou loo" bored4; ! e,claimed.
;9eah# my friend didn$t show up yet. /o you want "eep me company0; she as"ed.
That was way too easy.
;.ure#8 ! replied# 7you$ll never believe what happened to me today. ! caught a cab downtown
earlier# when we were on the highway# the cab bro"e down right in the middle of the road.
Afterword# the driver as"s me to get out and help him push his car out of the traffic.;
7)h my god# did you help him08 she laughed.
;ell yes# ! thought that if ! helped him out. The fare would be void. 3e still as"ed me to pay. !
didn$t pay him.;
The cab story is fictional.
! started running all "inds of routines and techni<ues on her and she was becoming increasingly
interested. .he eventually offered to buy me a drin".
79ou$re never too drun" on a pub crawl#8 ! told her# accepting the drin" graciously.
;hat-s your name0; she as"ed me.
An indicator of interest# perfect.
;!-m Jordan# and yours0;
7!-m 2riana. :an ! ta"e a picture with you# you$re really cute.;
! smiled then leaned over to her as she too" the picture. Most girls of her league re<uired perfect
game to have them# but every once in a while you came across a diamond in the rough.
riana and myself
The camera flashed and then ! heard .hane spea" from behind us# ;'oo"s li"e you didn$t need
me to introduce you to any cheerleaders after all#; .hane laughed as he "issed 2riana on the chee".
;9ou two "now eachother0; ! as"ed.
;9es#8 2riana spo"e# 7he used to coach me4;
7Anyway# ! %ust came to say 3ello. 3ave fun# you two#8 .hane said# win"ing at me.
2riana wanted to go out to roll herself a %oint. hen we got outside# and wal"ed into the alley
around the corner# she complained that she was cold. ;/o you want to "eep me warm0; she as"ed. !
put my arms around her waist and she started giggling# ;9ou$re "inda pulling my dress up# but you
probably did that on purpose.; she said with a big smile. ! simply laughed and apologi+ed before
pulling her dress bac" down her legs for her.
The pub crawl bus pulled up# 2riana finished her %oint# and Jay came out of the club with his
whistle getting everyone bac" onto the bus for the ne,t club. 7e should get bac" on the bus# but
first ! need to "now ten things from you.8 ! told her.
7Ten things08 she as"ed# perple,ed.
7/igits#8 ! said while pulling my phone out.
.he told me her phone number and we %umped on the bus.
At the end of the night ! too" a cab bac" to Twin 2roo"s and wasn$t <uite tired yet# so ! went for
a wal" over to the small body of water in the middle of the sub-division. ! stepped out onto the
small wooden pier that sat at the edge of the water. The stars were out and there was a cool bree+e
ma"ing ripples across the water. The grass swayed softly and the lights of million dollar homes
were cast out onto the reflection of the pond. !t was a beautiful night and it had been a long time
since ! had a peaceful moment li"e that.
! began thin"ing about my car accident in 2ritish :olumbia. After my car crash# ! promised
myself to ma"e dramatic changes to my circumstances and ! hadn$t. ! may have moved to a different
city# ! may have found a good %ob# ! may have been meeting great people and surrounding myself
with beautiful women# but ! wasn$t anywhere significant in my life. ! wasn$t any closer to where !
hoped to be. hen ! made that promise to myself# ! meant relentlessly fighting to fulfil my dreams
and ma"e a significant mar" to a vast number of people. ! needed to step my game up# and in the
coming month# ! certainly did.
Chapter 4
So % thin. % ,an Dane
! was in a da+e# the irritating bu++ing of my alarm cloc" grew louder and louder as ! came bac"
to the world. ! %umped out of bed and got ready for my big day. ! spent about forty-five minutes
after my shower pacing around my room# thoroughly thin"ing everything out from my routine to
what ! would say in interviews.
! heard my ta,i hon" outside and departed to the downtown core.
/ay was %ust beginning to brea" when ! arrived at the inspear :enter to find a large line up of
dancers waiting to perform. hen ! got into the line up# ! was greeted by news reporters and
%ournalists. They as"ed basic <uestions about myself and how ! felt about trying out.
Another set of reporters urged me to come to a concrete sign that read $The inspear :enter$ and
as"ed me and two female dancers to climb on top of it. The reporters wanted us to perform a move
for the camera. ! did a spin and the female dancers stri"ed ballet poses.
'eah Miller# a previous BJ for Much Music and now host of .o 9ou Thin" 9ou :an /ance
:anada came over to collect me and do+ens of other dancers. ;(ow on the count of three ! want all
of you to shout $.o 9ou Thin" 9ou :an /ance :anada$ for the camera and then cheer as loud as you
can4; she instructed. e shouted the words and cheered as loud as we could.
! used to watch her on Much Music and had a small crush on her when ! was in my early teens.
.he wasn$t nearly as attractive as shown on television# her s"in loo"ed too shiny li"e it was plastic.
A truc" pulled up near the street and Ashley %umped out. .he spotted me and came over. 7)h my
god# Jordan# ! can$t believe you$re actually doing this. !$m so proud of you.;
Ashley found out that ! was trying out for the TB show from my *aceboo" statuses and created a
group dedicated to my efforts. ! decided to "eep Ashley around after "issing me at the movie
theater. 3er infatuation for me made her dependable.
A couple guys wearing .9T9:/ t-shirts came down the line chec"ing everyone-s !/ to ensure
everyone was of age to audition.
;May we see your identification please0; they as"ed as they got to me. ! pulled out my birth
certificate and 2.: drivers license. They loo"ed at my identification before loo"ing bac" to me#
;!-m sorry# sir. 9ou$re too young to audition.;
;hat do you mean !$m too young to audition08 ! stammered. 7 The ma%ority age to try out in
Alberta is eighteen.; ! stated.
;9es# but since you$re a resident of 2.:# we can$t let you audition unless you$re nineteen.
Eighteen is the legal age to try out in Alberta because it is the age ma%ority# but 2.:$s age ma%ority
is nineteen# so we cannot let you audition even if you$re in Alberta.8
There was no way ! going to be turned down after all of that. ;'oo"; ! said# ;! %ust moved here
from 2ritish :olumbia and haven$t changed over my driver-s license yet. !$m a resident of Alberta#
you have to let me through.8
;!-m sorry. ! normally don$t li"e to turn down a person# but ! can$t let you in unless you get some
proof that you live in Alberta.8
! wal"ed away from the building and across the street with Ashley. ! was furious. 7Great48 ! said
aloud# 8! have to find wherever the hell the government building is# try to prove to the government
that ! live in Alberta without proof and get some new identification# all in the ne,t two hours before
the doors to the audition close. !$m fuc"ed48
! was in a fren+y with a do+en things running through my mind. ! was loo"ing for a loop hole in
anything. ! sent my brain into an overcloc" and was processing every and any option. 3ow can ! get
the outcome ! want0 hat do ! need to do0 hat actions do ! need to ta"e0
7Jordan# what$s wrong08 Ashley as"ed.
7They won$t let me audition4; ! yelled# 79ou were standing right beside me# you heard them#
don$t as" stupid <uestions and let me thin".8
Ashley too" a step bac" and got really <uiet.
7*uc"# fuc"# fuc"#48 ! muttered to myself multiple times and began pacing.
;Awe# Jordan# !-m so sorry. ! "now how much you wanted to do this. ! guess we can %ust spend
the day together#; she said in a pitiful voice.
! loo"ed her in the eyes and replied# ;ho says !-m giving up0 !-m going to audition. Trust me4;
;Jordan# there isn$t really anything we can do.;
! was disappointed that she was telling me to throw in the towel. .he was one of the few people
who supported me from the beginning and came to town %ust to cheer me on.
;:ome with me# ! have an idea4; ! said to her while grabbing her hand.
;here are we going0; she as"ed.
;! don-t "now# ! have a feeling that ! should go this way#; ! told her.
Ashley was confused and didn$t "now what ! was doing. ! didn$t "now what ! was doing either
but ! was following my intuition.
After wal"ing several bloc"s# ! found what ! was loo"ing for: The :anada 1lace# main
government building in Edmonton. They would be able to tell me what ! needed to do to get my
Alberta residency.
! wal"ed into the towering s"yscraper and ! had no idea where to go. There was a big opening in
the center of the structure with fountains and an information des". ! wal"ed to the information des"
and tal"ed to the African-American security guard sitting behind it.
;E,cuse me# where do ! go to get identification done0;
7e actually don$t do that here.8
7/o you have any idea where0 ! have an incredibly time-sensitive situation on my hands and
need to figure this out asap4 !$m trying out for .o 9ou Thin" 9ou :an /ance :anada and if ! can$t
get photo identification done# ! can$t try out.8
7.o 9ou Thin" 9ou :an /ance# really0 My wife loves that show. Alright# let me ma"e some
phone calls and !$ll see if ! can find an answer to your <uestion. :ome bac" in ten minutes.8
Even the man at the security des" didn$t have an idea. ! sat down by the fountain with Ashley
"nowing that ! had no more leads. ! "new other government structures that could get my
identification done# but they were out of the downtown core. !f ! left downtown# ! could forfeit any
hope of ma"ing it bac" to the audition in time.
'ess then an hour and a half remained before the audition doors closed. ! had to figure something
out immediately# but ! was afraid ! had come to a <uic" dead end and the security guard would be
unable to help me.
! don$t "now why# but ! felt li"e ! had to try out. ! never believed in destiny or fate but ! felt li"e
trying out that day was what ! was meant to do. ! couldn$t feel at peace with myself if ! didn$t enter
The inspear :enter and at least give it my best shot. ! needed to at least earn the e,perience.
! had such a determined and driven mind# ! wanted to do so many ama+ing things with my life.
This was the ultimate chance to put my talent to the test. ! couldn$t be denied to even try.
;! have to do this# !-m meant for better things then %ust loo"ing for ways# ! need to actually do
them#8 ! said to Ashley# feeling hopeless.
Ashley didn$t say a word# she %ust hugged me.
Ten minutes passed and ! went bac" to the des". ;! found an answer to your <uestion#; the
security guard told me. ;There-s a building about eight bloc"s from here and they do registry&
everything from marriages to licenses# everything4; 3e pointed me in the direction of the place and
! than"ed him gratefully. 73ey# what$s your name08
7Jordan#8 ! replied.
7! hope you ma"e it# Jordan#8 he encouraged.
About eight bloc"s west# ! found the place. ! was running out of time far too fast and ! had only
one hour before .o 9ou Thin" 9ou :an /ance closed their doors to any more participants.
The registry office was inside one of the largest malls in the city and ! had never been inside it. !t
was four floors high and spanned across nine city bloc"s. The place was a ma+e and ! had to find a
single office among it# and fast. ! was losing more hope by the minute as ! ran through the mall
aimlessly until ! came to the mall directory.
The directory was massive and the registry centre was several bloc"s from my location. After
going bac" and forth between many escalators and floors# ! reached the registry office.
! ran to the front des" of the registry office.;3i# is it possible to get any "ind of photo
identification within the ne,t hour0; ! breathed heavily from running through the structure with
Ashley.
The women at the des" told me it was# but ! had to have proof that ! lived in Alberta. .he listed
that proof included pay stubs from an employer# utility bills# or identification that already concluded
that ! was from Alberta.
! sat in the lobby trying to thin" things through. Ashley once again thought it was another dead
end and tried to prevent me from getting my hopes up. ;Ashley# do you remember that time ! told
you every now and then ! seem to pull off the impossible08 ! as"ed.
;9es0; she replied# li"e she was as"ing if that were the right answer.
;ell this is going to be one of those times.;
! got up and returned to the front des"# ;ould a letter from my employer be enough proof0; !
as"ed.
The woman at the des" replied# 79es.8
7May ! get it fa,ed here# right now0;
79es.8
;)"ay# than" you.;
! wal"ed bac" into the lobby and got on the phone with my uncle# who was ! was luc"ily enough
to have as my employer. ! e,plained the situation and told him ! would not be able to audition
without him fa,ing a letter to the office. 3e e,plained that he would do so.
3e sent the letter and ! unwillingly turned in my 2.: drivers to get it switched for an Alberta
residency card. ! was unsure of what would happen if ! showed them a suspended driver$s license
from 2ritish :olumbia.
The woman told me nothing came up on the system about my license being suspended and that
their was only an outstanding debt. .he was going to give me an Alberta driver$s license instead of
a residential !/.
! did a couple tests# they too" a new picture of me# and gave me a temporary piece of paper that
was to substitute my license before it came in the mail.
! dropped bac" onto the seat in the lobby# 7(o#8 ! said hopelessly.
7hat$s wrong0 9ou got it# Jordan. 'ets go4 Go audition48 Ashley urged frantically.
! %ust reali+ed that ! lost the only piece of photo identification ! had. )ne piece had to be photo
!/ for the audition# and the woman at the registry had %ust cut it to pieces with a pair of scissors.
7! have to get to the same people that identified me earlier. They seen my photo identifcation and
have to let me through if ! show them my new identity document# they %ust have to.8
Ashley and ! were doubtful# but after the pushing %ourney we e,perienced# we needed to continue
to try.
Ashley and ! ran out the building with the temporary license and only ten minutes before the
deadline.
! ran all the way to the inspear :entre and got there %ust in time.
;3ey# you made it4; the man that chec"ed my !/ earlier stated in disbelief. ! showed him my
temporary license and birth certificate#79ou lost your photo !/ didn$t you08
79eah# ! did. ! was hoping you$d still be here because you$re the only one who got to see it before
it was destroyed.8
7)"ay# you$re in. !$m not allowed to do this without your proof on you so get in there <uic"48
7Than" you so much#8 ! e,tended my arm to sha"e his hand.
7(o time for that# get in there48 he urged.
! ran into the building without a word more# but Ashley had to wait outside. )nly contestants
were able to enter the event. A few security guards gave me a pat down# and then gave me the all
clear. ! was the last person to get in and they loc"ed the doors as soon ! too" the first step inside. A
second later and ! would$ve missed the deadline.
(ot only was ! able to get into .o 9ou Thin" 9ou :an /ance# but ! also cheated the motor
vehicle system and was under a new motor vehicle %urisdiction.
! had determination and pride "nowng ! demanded my way into .o 9ou Thin" 9ou :an /ance. !t
too" hell to abide by their regulations# but ! acheived a tas" that was seemingly impossible.
Chapter '
Judges Are Assholes
3undreds of dancers were warming up in the main auditorium. ! moved into the center warming
up with some stretches and began to go over my routine a few more times.
1erformers were being interviewed by local news# radio stations and %ournalists. ! wanted to be
the one getting the interviews# the one landing air time on television# and the one getting into
newspapers.
! began doing my bac" and front flips "nowing it would catch the attention of the media.
Journalists and photographers came running over to get my story. They as"ed me to do a couple
poses for them and bombarded me with <uestions. ;hat$s your name0 3ow long have you been
dancing0 here are you from0 ;3ow old are you0 here did you learn your style of dance0;
As ! was answering <uestions ! "ept glancing at an attractive dirty blonde that was being
interviewed by The 2ounce# a local radio station. .he gave an occasional glance over to me and !
appeared to have caught her attention as well. After ! wrapped up my interview# ! wal"ed away from
the press and sat down on a set of stairs to observe the dirty blonde. .he really held herself on
camera. .he sounded li"e she was reporter herself# because she was.
After her interview she came into my pro,imity doing stretches.
;The %ournalists seem to really li"e you#8 ! said to her.
;.eems so#; she replied ma"ing eye-contact.
;!t loo"ed li"e you$ve done that before#; ! pushed pursuing conversation.
;9eah# !$m used to it. ! wor" at Global (ews so ! hope !$m good on camera#8 she smiled.
.he was very confident# beautiful# outgoing# and had this way about her. The more ! engaged# the
more ! became fascinated by her.
! as"ed for her name# it was /iane.
e got very ta"en away by eachothers stories and e,periences. ! shared with her my promise to
ma"e the most of myself after my horrific car incident# and the way ! fell in love with dance.
/iane told me how she yearned for e,posure. .he wanted audiences to see her and she felt good
about being shown on TB or having her voice heard on the radio. ! sensed a slight edge of pride in
her voice.
! desired the same things# ! don$t "now if it was for the same reasons but ! "new that the stage
was my home. ! was radiating with creativity# ideas# and art that ! wanted to share with the world.
'eah Miller came out of a hallway and announced that it was time for the auditions and
instructed all the dancers to follow her. e were guided down multiple hallways. ! was e,pecting to
be ta"en into the massive auditorium that was usually seen on TB# but instead we were ta"en into a
tennis court si+ed room lined with foldable chairs.
There was no stage# no panel of three celebrity %udges# but a panel of ten empty seats. !t wasn$t
li"e the TB show at all. ! was starting to wonder %ust how much of .o 9ou Thin" 9ou :an /ance
happened off camera.
After several minutes# nine %udges ! never recogni+ed came into the room and filled the panel.
All but one seat remained empty. The %udges instructed us to ta"e our seats.
/iane sat beside me and when ! too" a =F? loo" around myself# ! reali+ed that ! was surrounded
by some of the most beautiful women !$d ever "nown. To my opposite of /iane was an e,tremely
tall brunette girl wearing a blac" leotard that e,posed her unbelievably long and se,y legs. 3er
beauty and height was intimidating. .he was so far out of any league that ! ever attempted to spea"
to# and ! generally went for the best.
The %udges began introducing themselves and tal"ed about what they were "nown for. A women
in her si,ties said she was "nown for inventing the famous cougar crawl.
!n the middle of the %udge introductions# a man wal"ed out onto the middle of the dance floor# his
name was 2la"e McGrath. ! recogni+ed him because he was the winner of the first season of
.9T9:/.
72la"e# good to see you made it#8 a women from the %udge panel said with a slight moc". 7hy
don$t you give our contestants a demonstration.8
2la"e let out a definite# 7(o#8 and too" his seat among the %udges.
!t too" me several moments to wor" up the courage to tal" to the intimidatingly beautiful
brunette beside me. ! shyly loo"ed over to her and wished her good luc".
7)h# than" you. Good luc" to you too48 she said# glowing with personality.
! went <uiet after that# ! wasn-t sure how to engage in conversation with her and lamely said
good luc" in hope to start one. ! started "ic"ing myself for my inability to produce dialogue to the
beautiful girl.
The %udges began going over the instructions of the competition. The instructions were simple#
their were three rounds: a freestyle round# they play you a random trac" and you have to freestyle
to it the best you can. They auditioned ten dancers at a time and you had thirty seconds to get on
and off the dance floor to let the ne,t person through. Afterword the ten dancers line up# if you
caught the interest of the %udges# they$ll call your number and you move onto round J. !f you didn$t
catch the interest of the %udges# then you went out the big door at the bac" of the room that said
;().; which led into the bac" alley. Londerful treatmentM
5ound J is the choreography round: famous dancers show the winners of round D their
choreography and they try their best to "eep up. !f you can$t "eep up or follow the choreography
then you$re sent out the 7().8 door.
5ound =: ma"e it past the first two rounds then you get the audition that$s televised in front of the
three celebrity %udges.
.o it began& ten dancers were called to the floor at a time.
! must$ve watched about about fifty dancers while observing the %udges. ! paid most my attention
to 2la"e McGrath. My first impression of him was that he was an asshole# the way he danced on
television# the way he tal"ed# and the way he acted was coc"y and alpha male. 5ight then# his hand
propped up the side of his face and his eyes were barely half open. 3is body language implied that
he was bored and didn$t even want to be there.
7'oo" at 2la"e# he loo"s li"e he doesn-t even want to be here#8 ! said to the intimidating
brunette.
7)h yeah# ! "now# he-s such a dic". My friend too" a class with him in Toronto and he acts li"e
such a "now it all. 'i"e who cares if he won a season of .o 9ou Thin" 9ou :an /ance# there are so
many dancers %ust as good as him#8 the brunette replied.
! agreed with every word she said. .uddenly# she wasn$t so intimidating# ! became comfortable
beside her and started tal"ing to her li"e she was a normal person.
Q7!m Jordan# by the way#8 ! said# reaching my hand over to hers and shoo" it.
7!-m :orynne#8 she replied.
7(ice to meet you. 3ow long have you been dancing# :orynne0
7!-ve been ta"ing ballet and different "inds of contemporary for eight years. ! learned most of
what ! "now from a dancing academy in England.
7England& wow4 And eight years& that$s dedication48 ! e,claimed.
7Than" you# how long have you been dancing for0
7!-ve been teaching myself brea"dancing off 9ouTube for about three years.8
! told :orynne the story of how ! %ust barely made it into the building because of the
identification incident.
73oly# you-re dedicated48 :orynne complimented# 7! probably would-ve %ust wal"ed away and
waited to try ne,t year# but awesome# you have true determination.8
! never would$ve imagined that :orynne would succeed in the show for the coming months#
ma"ing it to the top twelve before being voted off.
atch :orynne$s televised audition here: https:RRwww.youtube.comRwatch0vSgCJC@(T6etg
! introduced :orynne to /iane# and three of us became friends.
There were some ama+ing dancers that ! didn$t thin" ! would be able to compete with but !
noticed a pattern in how the %udges were choosing people. They were choosing people that showed
the most personality and energy& dancers that stuc" out and loo"ed different from the rest got
through# including the bad dancers.
! was putting it together in my mind# this is televised# they$re choosing the people that will seem
the most interesting on TB. !f you$re a profound dancer# you$re in. !f you$re a horrible dancer# you$re
in. !f you$re amongst the average set of s"illed dancers that were neither bad nor e,traordinary#
you$re out.
*rom the dancers !$d watched# ! thought to rate myself among average# so ! was really going to
have to throw everything ! had into my thirty seconds.
!t was %ust about my time before ! was called with the ne,t ten.
7Just in case ! don$t ma"e it# !$ll wait for you outside#8 /iane told me.
! nodded# 7Good luc"# /iane. ! better see you in round two.8
:orynne let out an awe for me while /iane showed me her crossed fingers as ! got up to
perform. A massive rush of an,iety hit me# my heart rate had risen# my palms got sweaty# and my
stomach was being eaten up by butterflies. .cratch that# my stomach was filled with vicious
teradactyles.
! was up with a handful of African American hip hop dancers. As we wal"ed out onto the floor#
one of the guys moaned# ;Awe man# my stomach.;
! laughed and as"ed# ;hat# got butterflies0;
3e turned to loo" at me and said# ;hat# you mean that stuff girls get# %ust "idding# yeah ! do.
1lease let us have a good song# please let us have a good song#8 he started repeating to himself. )ne
of the %udges cued the music and we got a song by 6anye est and the blac" guy whispered a loud
;9es#; to himself.
3e %umped in throwing hip hops moves together# then got down and did some brea"dancing. 3is
thirty seconds ended and one of the %udges said# 7(e,t.8 ! ran into the middle of the dance floor and
pulled a stylish bac" flip# ! threw every hip hop move ! had with as much energy as ! could unleash.
! did some spins building my momentum up and then swung into a front flip onto my bac"& from
there ! swung my legs into a windmill and pushed my body off the ground into a hand stall. ! never
meshed my moves together so fluidly. G ! was definitely improving with all my late nights of
practice. G ! was cued to stop and let the ne,t performer in.
The remaining dancers stepped into the center# put in their freestyle# and then lined up. ! was
smiling with this huge grin that shouted pic" me. Myself and three other dancers in my set were
called to the ne,t round. ! let out a breath of relief and "ept my fingers crossed for /iane and
:orynne behind me.
A .9T9:/ staff member guided us up a staircase into the massive auditorium li"e the one on
television. There were dancers following choreography# they gave dancers about twenty minutes to
catch onto it# if they didn$t# they pluc"ed them out and sent them out of the building.
7Alright#8 a choreographer said to the staff member# 7!-m ready for the ne,t batch.8
e began following his moves but the routine was difficult and complicated. Twenty minutes
passed and ! still didn$t have it down as well as the others. ! was sent down a set of stairs and out a
door that went out the side of the building. ! wondered why they didn$t %ust let everyone out of the
front entrance. hen ! wal"ed around to the front of the building# ! understood why& camera crews#
%ournalists# and radio stations were all on the hunt to find some information on the outcome of
events inside.
.9T9:/ didn$t want any spoilers before they aired the show. hile entering the building ! had
to sign a contract and non-disclosure agreement saying that ! wouldn$t tal" to the press after
auditioning.
! spotted Ashley sitting on a bench loo"ing lonely# 79ou$re still here08 ! as"ed surprised# 73ow
long have you been out here08
7'i"e three or four hours# how did you do048 she s<uealed.
7! didn$t ma"e it# got to round two and then got "ic"ed out.8
7Awe# !$m so sorry# Jordan. Are you o"ay08
7*uc"# !$m great4 ! had so much fun# ! met some ama+ing people# and ! got to put my ability to
the test. That was all ! wanted.8
/iane and a few girls ! recogni+ed from inside the building were in a group tal"ing to eachother.
7/iane# how did you do08 ! as"ed as ! approached her with Ashley.
7! got sent out the 7(o.8 door#8 she pouted# 7but what happened with you0 hat was upstairs0;
7That$s too bad# ! wanted to see you in action. 5ound J was as far as ! went# that choreography
was tric"y.8
/iane introduced me to a girl she had %ust met but didn$t ma"e it past the first round.
;3i# !-m 2ianca#; she said.
! noticed she was carrying around a bunch of luggage and ! as"ed her about it. .he told me she
flew in from innipeg that morning to audition# she didn$t have enough money for a return flight#
and had no hotel room boo"ed. .he was basically stranded and didn$t seem to care. .he was a true
free-spirit.
! suggested the idea that we all go for a drin" to celebrate the e,perience and the union of the
talented# artistic# and ambitious individuals of eachother.
73ey#8 shouted the African-American ! met inside the building as he came from around the
corner. 79ou made it to round J# you luc"y bastard. Good %ob# man.8
! learned that his name was Mi"e# he was humorous# friendly# and ! invited him to %oin /iane#
Ashley# 2ianca# and ! for that drin".
Just before we were about to leave# another reporter floating around the building came over to us
and interviewed us as a group.
.he as"ed if we all auditioned# we told her we had. Mi"e was being funny# ;3e made it to round
= and is going to Toronto on the show4; he e,claimed to the reporter while pointing at me.
The reporter got all e,cited and replied# ;3E /!/0; with uber amounts of enthusiasm.
! had to tell her# ;(o# he$s "idding48
.he got us to do some moves# too" pictures# and said she$d put us up on her website:
http:RRwww.inews HH? .comR:hannelsR5egRi5eportsR.tory.asp,0idS D?@EE@C
)ur group hit nearest 2oston 1i++a with a lounge and ! bought the first round of drin"s. !t didn$t
matter if nobody made it big on the show# we all had fun# we all got some degree of e,posure# and
we were all brought together. Today was a success for all of us.
#rom left to rightF ianca rady* myself* 9iane 9elanovic.
Chapter "
Brea.ing The Suess Barrier
The ne,t morning before wor"# ! dropped by the gas station to get a newspaper. There ! was#
right on the front page of the Edmonton Journal. ! flipped over to the article on .o 9ou Thin" 9ou
:an /ance :anada# there was a very brief paragraph about me with a big picture of myself doing a
hand stall.
'ater that evening# ! heard myself tal"ing on the radio# found a couple websites with pictures of
me on it# and ! was confident ! got some air time on television. ! was so satisfied with myself. !
didn$t ma"e it onto the show# but my face and my name was getting out there. ! wanted more# !
needed to see" out e,posure# ! wanted to be on top of the world.
Jordan *ordyce once said to me# ;! have to be the best# ! don$t care what it is# but ! have to be up
there and ! want the world to see my accomplishments. !f ! fail# ! may as well "ill myself now
because !-ll never happy. The best are people who don$t stop until they do what it ta"es# the best
don$t follow anyone else or buy into bullshit# the best succeed no matter what.; !t was the same
mentality as mine: be everything or be nothing.
! called her that that evening to tell her about my fifteen minutes of fame. *ordyce and ! had
remained in contact with each other throughout my time in Edmonton. *ordyce had a lot of drama
with her boyfriend in the previous months# the same boyfriend that she too" bac" after the 'eah
incident. *ordyce changed in those months# she$d been miserable and ! could no longer see her
glowing personality. !t was absent. .he was this brilliant# young girl# determined and confident# but
! could see how she was being run-down by her relationship. ! wanted to help her# ! pleaded with
her to leave him for her own sa"e# but she didn$t seem to have the willpower to do it. .he would
never tell me what was going on between her and her boyfriend# but she would call me in tears and
always as"ed me to tell her how !$ve been doing to distract her.
! was no longer in love with *ordyce# but ! never lost my immense attraction for her. ! still
thought she was the perfect girl for me and if she ever as"ed me to# ! would$ve dropped everything
to be with her.G .he "new this.
2efore ! had the chance to tell *ordyce about .9T9:/# she brought up the incident where ! had
shown her the messages between 'eah and her boyfriend. ! was bewildered as to why it was coming
up after so long.
Jordan *ordyce was a girl that prided herself in being intelligent and smart# but ! had never seen
her be so blind. 7hy did you show me those messages0 /id you really thin" ! deserved to "now#
or did you %ust want /om out of the picture to leave an opportunity for yourself08 she as"ed. !
remained silent# weighing the truth and the lie. ! told her my intentions were to loo" out for her in
the past# but there was more to it than that. 71lease tell me# Jordan. !t$s been distancing me from you
because !$ve never "nown what your intentions have been since then. /o you really want what$s best
for me...or %ust me08
! had no idea she felt that way since the incident. !t had planted a seed of doubt in her and it was
growing# not reaching the surface until now.
! told her the truth: that ! helped her for the wrong reasons.
.he told me her boyfriend demanded that she shut me out of her life because ! was insult to their
relationship. !t was a slap in the face.
;.o what# !-m basically a disposable friend to you now0; ! as"ed.
.he told me# ;.orry# !-m not a great as you thin" ! am# !-m not ama+ing# !-m not going to be
successful. ! tried to tell you once.
7ell# isn$t that fuc"ing cute. !$m an insult to your relationship because ! pointed out your
boyfriend$s disloyal habits to you0 !f that$s the case# your whole relationship is one big fuc"ing
%o"e.8
.he$d never heard me spea" li"e that before# ! could hear the shoc" in her voice after ! said it.
7ow# ! thought we could do this on good terms# this could$ve been easy but you$re %ust being so
fuc"ing melodramatic.;
;*ine# if you$re so pathetic to %ust shut people out of your life because someone told you to# !
wouldn$t even want to call such a disgrace my friend. 9ou$re a fuc"ing sheep and you$re right# you$re
not great at all. 9ou$ll never be the best# you$ll never be up there and the world will never see your
accomplishments. 9ou failed# so you may as well "ill yourself because you$ll never be happy. All
you do is follow everyone else and buy into bullshit# you$re not willing to do what it ta"es.; ! used
the words she said one year ago to describe how she didn$t want to be# she didn$t even remember
them.
7! actually felt so horrible for doing this to you# but you %ust made it so easy48 *ordyce said
raising her voice and revealing the hurt she felt. ! didn$t mean to be so harsh# ! thought she$d
remember her own words and snap out of it# but instead she felt li"e ! plunged a "nife into the most
delicate center of her heart.
.he hung up on me# and ! didn$t e,cept to see her or hear her voice ever again. 7Goodbye...; !
said to her long after the phone call had already ended. My eyes become moist and ! was
motionless. ! felt so hurt& she was my inspiration for years. ! thought she was li"e me& built for
greatness but life and her choices had run her down. 3er best <ualities were gone and weren-t
coming bac". .he was no different from every other woman in my past now and she would never
"now the things ! accomplish.8
???
/iane called me and told that !$d better have .aturday open because she bought us tic"ets to
Mariana$s Trench# .hiloh# and :arly 5ae Jepson at the .tarlite 5oom. /iane wanted to see :arly
5ae Jepson because she followed :anadian !dol and "new :arly 5ae Jepson placed third in the fifth
season of the show. !t was interesting to be hanging out with /iane because she noticed things that !
didn$t# she always pointed out when a girl was chec"ing me out. To my surprise# ! was being
chec"ed out by women all the time and ! would have otherwise never "nown.
! never understood how she always noticed this because it was something ! never noticed myself.
/iane taught me that girls li"e to use their peripheral vision to chec" out men because it doesn$t
appear li"e they$re directly loo"ing at them.
/iane and ! got into the line up for the concert# in front of /iane and ! were an obno,ious group
of girls in club attire. ! noticed this one girl that was more obno,ious than the rest. ! overheard her
name# 'arissa. .he was attractive# slic" blac" hair# a nice layer of eye liner# and her dress barely
made it down to her "nees.
hen /iane and ! got inside the venue :arly 5ae Jepson was already singing. /iane was upset
that she didn$t get to see her when she first got out on stage. ! found it "ind of strange# :arly 5ae
Jepson loo"ed a lot li"e my e, (icole and even had 5ae in her name# e,cept she was a hundred
times more good loo"ing.
After :arly$s first few songs# Josh 5amsey of Mariana-s Trench came on stage to sing with :arly.
They sang $.our :andy$ almost a year before they released it. !t was eye opening after the song
came out because it$s then you truly reali+e how long they wor" on their music before they release it
to the world.
hen :arly finished her set# she went to signing booth and then hung out at the bar in the bac"
of the venue. .he seemed to be sitting there unoccupied with no one tal"ing to her so ! decided to
go and start a conversation. ! had no idea how she earned fame but she informed me she was a
finalist in :anadian !dol and was from Mission# 2.:. .he was %ust as nice and sweet as she was
adorable. ! bought her album# got it signed# and too" a picture with her.
! was still feeling the high of .9T9:/ and rolling with an attractive Global (ews reporter. !
wondered# %ust how far can ! push this rush of success0
;/o you get nervous when performing0 9ou loo"ed li"e you had butterflies at one point#; ! as"ed
:arly.
;Actually# yes. !$ve been performing for years now and ! sometimes get butterflies still.;
;!t$s "ind of cra+y. !$m a performer myself and ! would go through these periods of fearlessness#
then at points !$d be getting the nervous and stage fright spells again. ! have no idea what triggers
them every once in a while.;
;! get that too4 !t$s completely normal4 hat do you do0; :arly as"ed# ta"ing an interest.
;!$m a brea"dancer# auditioned for .o 9ou Thin" 9ou :an /ance last wee"# but !$m primarily an
actor#; ! replied.
;Bery cool#; :arly ac"nowledged while nodding her head.
;! "now you$re on tour right now# but we should grab a coffee or drin" when it$s over. !t$d be neat
to pic" your ear about the music industry and %ust tal" as artists.;
;)h...! appreciate the offer but ! really shouldn$t be giving my phone number out to fans.;
;! understand. ell# it was nice meeting you#; ! told miss Jepson# sha"ing her hand.
&yself and $arly Dae Jepson at the Starlite Doom
hen ! as"ed out :arly 5ae Jepson bac" in J?D?# she was a name not "nown to most of the
general population. .he became ten-fold famous by releasing# 7:all Me Maybe#8 because she
obviously regretted turning me down.
! went bac" into the pit to find /iane but was unable to find her. ! wanted to give /iane the
opportunity to meet :arly herself since she was "ind of enough to bring me to the event. A mosh pit
bro"e out and ! was starting to get shoved around. A fat girl beside me "ept trying to discreetly rub
up against me on purpose. Just because people were getting pushed around# she wasn$t fooling me. !
decided to get away from her and almost made it to the front of the pit. Everyone was sweaty and
the heat was unbearable# ! was wiping beads of sweat off my forehead every few minutes.
The blac" haired girl in the club attire# 'arissa# was before me. .he got pushed into me and
began apologi+ing.
;!-m sorry4 !-m sorry4 !-m sorry4; she continued repeating to numerous people. ! genuinely felt
bad for her. .he loo"ed li"e she was trying to get out of the pit but wasn$t having any luc".
7/on$t worry about it# it$s happening to everyone.8 ! shouted to her above the noise.
'arissa$s blonde friend spo"e up and said ;! shouldn$t e,actly be grinding on you. My boyfriend
wants me bac" undamaged.; ! told her ! was gay and not to worry. !t wor"ed. .he shouted to
'arissa# ;3e$s gay# it$s o"ay. e can stay close to him4; 'arissa finally introduced herself to me.
7:an ! hold onto you08 she as"ed# 7! almost fell li"e three times getting shoved around and since
you$re gay ! feel safe with you.;
! started being coc"y funny with her and said# ;9eah you can hold onto me. !$ll protect you.;
;9ay# ! have a protector4;
Mariana$s Trench finally came on stage. They played many recogni+able songs li"e .ha"e
Tramp# All To Myself# and 2eside 9ou.
!n between one of the songs# Josh 5amsay as"ed if it was anyone-s birthday. A couple people in
the pit raised their hands. ;3appy 2irthday# 3appy 2irthday# you loo" li"e a liar#; he said to
individuals in the audience.
! raised my hand with the guiltiest loo" on my face. Josh 5amsay loo"ed over to me and said#
79ou$re definitely lying# loo" at this guys face4; as he pointed to me. ! laughed as a large portion of
the audience turned to loo" at me.
;:an ! have a birthday "iss08 a young girl in the crowd shouted.
;3ow old are you0; Josh 5amsay as"ed.
The girl from the crowd replied# ;*ourteen.;
Josh 5amsay laughed and e,claimed#; ell ! would# but ! don-t want to go to %ail4;
hen the show ended and ! finally found /iane outside. ! began apologi+ing for losing her and
not being with her for nearly the entire concert. .he merely wal"ed up to me# threw her arms around
my shoulders# and planted a fat "iss on my lips. 7/id you have fun08 she as"ed# 7That was one of
the best concerts !$ve been to.8
! loo"ed at /iane# stunned. ;ell#; ! began# ;! guess it$s a good thing :arly 5ae Jepson refused to
give me her number.;
;9ou didn$t4;
! simply shot her the cutest puppy dog loo" ! had and shrugged innocently.
PPP
! was beginning to attain the lifestyle !$d been searching for my whole life. ! never had an
unmeaningful day. My life was appealing& ! had health# fun# money# love# a desirable social life#
success in some form# and great people all around me. ! had a lifestyle most wish they could attain
and ! was at an all time high.
!$d been through things# ! was tested# ! was put through trials and tribulations that put in the
dar"est of places# but ! survived# ! fought# and ! never stopped moving forward. (ow# ! was writing
a boo"# ! tried out for .o 9ou Thin" 9ou :an /ance# ! was dating a beautiful news reporter# and it
was only the beginning. ! "new ! had it in me to pursue much more.
! chased this irresistable high li"e it was the essence of my life.
###
Ashley became %ealous when she learned that /iane and ! had started dating# she loo"ed /iane
up on *aceboo" and sent her a crude message concerning me. ! never got to see the message but
from the way /iane blew up# ! "new it wasn$t pretty.
hen ! chec"ed my *aceboo"# ! discovered that ! had a message from Ashley as well.
&arch GG* 788H
Jordan* seeing you care about her so much* ma"es me upset. I care about you so much and their is
no %ay to e<plain it. This has never happened before. I cry %henever something is %rong in your
life. I %ould do anything to ma"e you happier. Anything* Jordan. I cant bare to see you li"e this* to
see that you have fallen so badly in love %ith someone that)s not right for you.
I might3as3%ell give up and let you call me your sister. I "no% I %ill never be luc"y enough to
have you as a boyfriend. 1hy do I bother trying. I dont %ant to admit I love you... ut %hat im
going through... isnt it a typical love story, Girl meets boy* girl falls for boy* boy doesnt even
stumble. #eeling li"e this ma"es me >uestion everything. God* my mind* my family* my friends* my
life* the reason for my e<istance.
Sometimes you say you feel hopeless against your dreams, Try being me. At least you have the
person you %ant. -ou don)t have to %atch the person you care most about* love someone else. 1hat
is going on %ith me to%ards you* is li"e you and Jordan #ordyce. +nly G8 times %orse. -ou haven)t
left me* you are still in my life. 1e ma"e plans to see eachother.
I dont %ant to lose you. I can)t lose you. I %ant you to be happy* no matter %ho you are %ith. I
support you G88I. If you are %ith 9iane for the rest of your life* I)m happyF %ill you be my brother
then, If you are %ith me* perfect. If you are single* but are happy* I support that. -ou are my best
friend. If you %ere to leave my life* I dont "no% %hat %ould happen to me.
I %ish my friend* #red "ne% about you. I %ish he "ne% ho% hard I have fallen.* but he doesnt
and I don)t "no% if I can ever tell him. 6e)s against people falling in love. As for Canessa* she has
never approved of anyone I have li"ed. Ao one0 Then you came along* she hasn)t even met you and
she approves. -ou "no% ho% big of a deal this is,0 6BGE000 I have a feeling she says she approves
because she "no%s I could never get you. She approves %hen she has doubt.
!aura* I)m pretty sure she is getting pissed off at me for tal"ing about you so much. It seems that
is the only thing that comes out of my mouth anymore....EJGardiner....Jordan...Gorgie....E
1hen I %a"e up in the morning* the first thing I loo" at is my cell phone* seeing if maybe* 2ust
maybe* you sent me a te<t. I only loo" to disappoint myself. 1hen I)m sitting in class* the only thing
I %anna be doing is tal"ing to you* the only person I %ant to be around is you. I sit there picturing
you* your eyes* us fighting over your camera. I never %anted those times to end.
6o% could I let this happen, 6o% could I let myself fall for someone %ho can)t catch me, I)m
the one that is at fault. I should "no% by no%* and should notice* I shouldnt fall for anyone* or I
should at least be more careful %ith %ho I trust. Everytime I trust someone it goes %rong. Its al%ays
my fault. I shouldn)t get so attached to people* it)s not healthy. ;eople need their space.
This happiness* this act* becomes reality %hen I)m %ith you. I picture you* and smile instantly. If
I dont tal" to you before I go to bed* it doesnt feel li"e I should be sleeping. I picture your eyes* and
everything seems good in the %orld. I thin" about your eyes* and it gives me courage to "eep
moving on.. I dont "no% %hy* but they do. Although I tell you I)m fine* I only say it to "eep you
happy. I say I)m %illing to do anything for you* but if the time came %hen you as"ed for a favour* I
have no idea %hat I could possibly offer you.
5eading that letter made me uncomfortable. Bery uncomfortable. ! felt so horrible that Ashley
was pouring out all these feelings and ! had none to return. ! "new ! couldn$t let it continue. ! loved
having her around because she thought so much of me.
! could sense the drama and disaster inbound# so ! had to divert it. ! felt li"e a monstrous asshole
for what ! was about to do. hat ! had to say to Ashley was going to destroy her world.
PPP
! called Ashley# invited her over# told her we needed to tal" about the email she sent me. .he was
at my house within an hour. ! invited her in# she sat down on my couch# and engaged in cautious
small tal". .he was treading very carefully# unsure of what was really going on. ! could feel the
blistering tension and ! "new she could too.
! sat down in front her. 7Ashley#8 ! said plainly.
7!$m sorry# ! "now you$re pissed off at me. ! %ust couldn$t "eep it in anymore.8
7)n the contrary#8 ! frowned# 7!$m not mad# !$m the one that$s sorry. e can$t "eep doing this.
Trust me# when ! say that !$m doing it to help you.8
7/oing what08 she as"ed# confused.
7e can$t hang out# we can$t tal" to eachother anymore.8
7(o4 Jordan please# ! can$t lose you.8 Ashley stammered.
7! can$t return your feelings. 9ou$re %ust going to "eep getting hurt# especially since !$m with
/iane.8
7! tried so hard to be that girl for you#8 Ashley cried# 7:an you please %ust give me a chance08
7! can$t.8
7! don$t "now what to do. ! can$t let you go4 9ou can$t fuc"ing do this to me48
7Ashley...8 ! started# trying to thin" of what ! could possible say to give her peace of mind.
7Jordan# this isn$t you. ! can$t bare to see you li"e this& to see that you have fallen so badly in love
with everything you were against. 9ou hated stuc" up rich people# you hated stuc" up successful
people# and you said you would always give bac" and appreciate everything given to you if you
made it. ell now it$s happened# maybe you$re not famous yet# and maybe you$re not a millionaire#
but you$ve had a small taste from both and you$ve already lost yourself.8
.he wasn$t going to let go without a fight. ! felt so horrible for what was about to do. .he wasn$t
going to stop unless ! dealt a blow of hurt. Maybe she would get over me faster that way.
7Ashley4 9ou want "now something about me0 ! never even li"ed you as a friend. ! only "ept
you around because you acted li"e my personal assistant. 9ou did everything ! as"ed4 !t was
pathetic# but useful. 9ou$re silly little infatuation for me made you dependable. 2ut now ! don$t want
you anymore# you$ve become more trouble than you$re worth48
Ashley$s mouth was hanging open with shoc" and tears started rolling down her face rapidly.
7hy are you being li"e this0 This isn$t you. !$m so confused.8
;! don$t want you calling me anymore# ! don$t want to see you anymore. Get out and don$t ever
loo" bac".8
.he got up and headed for the door. .he was breathing heavily# li"e she was about to
hyperventilate. .he loo"ed at me through her wet# moist eyes and said one last thing. 7! love you#8
so wea"ly ! could barely hear it.
! loo"ed away from her# trying to hide a tear that barely escaped from my own eye. ! heard the
door open# then close. hen ! loo"ed up she was gone. ! felt li"e a monstrous asshole to her and !
felt bad beyond belief. ! hoped that she would see me as an asshole who wasn$t worth her time.
###
! made a spur of the moment decision to purchase blonde hair dye to turn my hair a light shade of
blonde. ! didn$t intend to ma"e my hair as white as it was# but ! had become distracted after ta"ing a
phone call from 6aty. ! forgot that ! left the dye in my hair for twice as long as the pac"age
recommended
;Jordan we$re going on another pub crawl tonight# you in0;
7!-m in# ! need to unwind#; ! replied to her. 6aty and ! saw eachother once a wee" since my first
pub crawl with her# she usually came around to conduct the sale of a pub crawl tic"et with me but
considered me her friend with benefits# and ! had the full benefits. ! ended it when ! started to
officially date /iane. 2ut ! got frea"ed out when she came to me after learning she was pregnant.
7!t$s not yours# don$t worry#8 she assured me# 7! "now for a fact that it$s not yours.8
! too" the hint and as"ed# 7ho is he08
7(o one you would "now# but ! %ust want you to "now that this is my last pub crawl with you.8
7! understand#8 ! told her.
! washed out the hair dye and loo"ed at the mirror in shoc". ! wanted a slight blonde touch# not
full on platinum intensity. 2ut it happened and there was no turning bac". They said blondes have
more fun# ! thin" it was true.
Among my pub crawls# ! individually met and brought together three people who would soon
become legendary with me. .cott# 'u"e# and (icholas& we became the notorious pub crawl regulars.
.cott& shaved head# acted pretty bad ass and was always willing to get into a fight. 3e was an
alpha male and hosted parties and outings into the city on a regular basis.
'u"e& a dar" haired# s"inny but athletic guy who roc"ed a mean mohaw". ! later found out he
was bise,ual which e,plained his %umpy and more than outgoing personality. 3 was a lure for the
ladies.
(icholas# a tall# brown haired# blue collar tradesman. 3e too" pride in pic"ing up women li"e
me. (icholas and ! had a lot in common# we studied the same psychological topics and had both
read 7The Game.8
.cott called me a few hours before the pub crawl. ;! won a limo pac"age to /iamonds# so we can
go there first with B!1 access and then since we already bought pub crawl tic"ets# we can catch the
bus after it gets to /iamonds.8 ! agreed to his plan# thought it sounded good until he added a 7but.8
72ut ! need you to get at least two girls to come with us for the limo or we don$t get it.8
7!$ll get four#8 ! promised confidently. *irst girl ! called was /iane and she wasn$t available. My
second call was to 2riana# ;3ey 2riana# what-s happening0; ! as"ed.
;Jordan# me and my girls are going on the pub crawl tonight. Are you going08 2riana as"ed.
;)f course# ! always go# but !$m s"ipping the first part and %oining up after /iamonds. :ome with
us and we can pic" you up with a limousine#8 ! told her.
;)h my god# are you serious0; 2riana said in an e,cited tone. 7That$s e,actly what me and the
girls need right now.8 ! could hear some other girls laughing and giggling in the bac"ground.
79ou and the girls# how many do you have with you08
! could hear her doing a head count then she replied# 7Eight48
7)h# we$re so fuc"ing pic"ing you up. Tell you what# what$s your address# we$ll have the limo
come straight to your house.8
The evening came by sooner than e,pected and we pic"ed up 2riana and her group of friends#
Beronica and 5achel were among them. e were the infamous pub crawl regulars# we became a
strong band of friends and drin"ing buddies. 3alf of the girls were already drun" with a bottle of
te<uila and ! was in for a good night. !t was <uite the satisfying e,perience# rolling with all these
gorgeous women in a limousine.
'u"e was going ballistic and giddy# 7)h man ! thin" !$m going to go bac" to straight48 he burst
out laughing.
7/on$t give him anymore te<uila#8 ! win"ed at Beronica sitting beside him.
2riana introduced me to 'e,i# a new girl that started hanging out with the group. 'e,i was
blonde# and incredibly outgoing as she was ma"ing out with 5achel on demand. 'e,i too" a li"ing
to me when everyone was going off about my .9T9:/ e,perience.
73e was on .o 9ou Thin" 9ou :an /ance08 'e,i shouted# her eyes widening.
! tried to be modest but ! was li"e a mini-celebrity in that limousine. ! had 5achel in one arm
beside me# 2riana in the other# and 'e,i decided to sit on my lap. 5achel was feeding me shots of
te<uila and my leg was falling asleep. Te<uila always made me bold# ! pushed 'e,i off me and said#
73ands off the merchandise#8 it made her chase me. ! felt claustrophobic and smothered in that
limousine so ! told 5achel to ma"e out with 'e,i again. !t gave me enough time to ma"e my
getaway as ! sat bac" beside 2riana and lifted her legs over my lap.
The limousine arrived at the strip club# we stumbled out the vehicle. To our surprise# the pub
crawl bus already beat us here.
73ey# ! was wondering why my bus loo"ed a little emptier tonight. 9ou bastards stole all the
girls.8 Jay laughed as he snuc" up behind us inside the club.
Jay had a new bodyguard figure# his name was Grath and he was the biggest# bad ass loo"ing guy
!$d ever seen. 3e had sterling silver chains hanging around his nec" and his fingers were filled with
the rings of sna"es and s"ulls. Everything about the way he loo"ed screamed dangerous and he
didn$t loo" li"e the "ind of guy you would want to accidentally brush up against or loo" at the
wrong way. 2ut Grath wasn$t scary at all# he was really easy to warm up to after he would crac"
%o"es that weren$t really funny and then laugh up a storm to himself.
Jay made a lot of money that night and wanted to celebrate by getting everyone wrec"ed# he
purchased = trays filled with te<uila shots. ! downed about half a do+en shots and ! was gone. ! ran
out to the designated smo"ing area with all the girls and told them all to "iss me on the chee"s
while ! ta"e pictures. They all huddled around me and not only "issed me on the chee"s# but shoved
their tongues in my mouth# then ! had them ma"ing out with eachother. ! couldn$t "eep count of how
many girls made out with me# they did everything ! commanded.
A group of men at the club started to circle around us. They were standing there staring and
tal"ing about everything ! was doing# ;3ow is he doing that4; )ne of the guys stammered. Another
approached me and as"ed me what my secret was.
! was admired# many wanted to be me in that moment# many wanted to have what ! had# this was
the feeling of success. A couple good loo"ing girls in glittering dresses came over to tal" to me out
of the blue# it really was all about social proof. omen don$t respond to money or good loo"s as
much as they do to social proof# ! "new it was true because ! was the star of the club tonight.
The guys came out with 6aty and 5achel# ! had totally forgotten about them. 7Jordan# what "ind
of cra+y shit are you doing08 6aty as"ed in disbelief as ! had 2riana and Beronica pull their breasts
out in a picture with me.
!t seemed ! had gotten a little carried away...
#rom left to rightF riana* myself* Ceronica* un"no%n.
&yself ' riana
&yself ' Ceronica
&yself ' Dachel on the pub cra%l bus after 9iamonds
Aicholas ' !e<i
&arcus ' Scott
#rom left to rightF John *myself* Grath* !e<i* &arcus
! lost trac" of who all ! had "issed and ! figured all the pictures would come bac" to haunt me in
the morning. !n my drun"en glory# ! remembered that ! was dating /iane# and started pleading with
everyone to delete the pictures# but some of them were already popping up on *aceboo".
! deactivated my *aceboo" temporarily until ! could maintain some control over the images of
my drun"en adventures.
e headed out to the ne,t club on the pub crawl list. The 2an" Iltra 'ounge# it used to be a
ban" but was then turned into a high profile club.
! %umped out onto the middle of the dance floor as soon as we got there. ! was dancing with 6aty
and offered to buy her drin"# but then ! remembered she was pregnant and too" it bac". .he was
dancing very close to me loo"ing up and down my body. 3er body language was inviting and !
moved in for the "iss. A second before my lips were on hers ! was grabbed by the arm and pulled. !
stumbled as ! turned to loo" at who pulled me# 7e have to go48 .cott urged# panic"ed.
! saw two people swinging fists near me and .cott continued pulling on my arm. ! was stumbling
all over the place and fell into a girl and "noc"ed her drin" into her dress. .he started to swear at me
and .cott helped me up to "eep hurrying me out of the club.
7hat the hell is happening08 ! shouted.
! caught view of the e,it and Grath was fighting off two bouncers. 3e got slammed against the
wall and Grath grabbed one the bouncer$s arms and twisted it behind his bac".
72riana got caught with co"e and Grath got the bouncers away from her# we all need to go. Jay
has got the bus waiting.8
e hurried onto the bus and it was only half filled. 2riana# Beronica# and 'e,i %umped onto the
bus. Grath followed on breathing heavily with a cut %ust above his eye. Jay demanded the driver to
ta"e off now. As the bus pulled out 5achel and 6aty came running out of the club waving their
arms. 5achel got left behind on yet another pub crawl# it was hilarious.
7*uc"48 Jay shouted# 7!$m going to lose customers because ! left half of them behind. ! should$ve
left your asses to get arrested but if the owner finds out that it$s my group that$s causing this shit he
won$t let me ta"e my pub crawls there anymore. 9ou$re all bad for business4 (ow who has the
blow08 2riana started crying and wea"ly held it up in her hand. Jay snatched it from her and tossed
it out the window. e were all feeling bad and it "illed all of our bu++$s. 7.ince you guys are
regular$s# !$m going to set some ground rules for my business. /o co"e on the bus# do co"e before
you get inside the club# do co"e anywhere e,cept inside and don$t beat up the fuc"ing bouncers4 e
still got one more club on the list so don$t fuc" up# buy lots of drin"s# and fuc"ing ma"e me loo"
good48
hen we got into the final club# 5oc"star$s# my bu++ was still dead but it wasn$t anything that a
few more shots of te<uila and a %ager bomb couldn$t fi,.
!t was an ama+ing club# the floor was opened up and there was a second level balcony that gave a
surrounding view of the dance floor.
There were a few men brea"dancing in the center of the dance floor. ! observed them and "new !
outmatched them# ! %umped in and threw my moves out onto the floor.
The other brea"dancers challenged me but were no match. These other guys had perfectly
mastered their style# their footwor" was smooth and crafted# years of e,perience was evident. My
techni<ue and style was flawed# my moves were unmastered and sloppy# at first ! couldn$t
understand why everyone was loo"ing up to me more than them. ! reali+ed why when ! started
doing power moves& spins# flips# hand stalling for ten seconds at a time. !t didn$t matter how sloppy
my style was# ! was running the most impressive loo"ing moves and also the hardest. ! was
performing the moves that brea"dance was recogni+ed for. The few years !-d been brea"dancing !
wasn$t trying to perfect my style# but trying to strengthen myself and ma"e myself more fit to pull
the most impressive moves# ! never thought this way would$ve gotten me the recognition ! desired#
but it did# and ! loved it.
.cott came over when he saw what was going on# .cott was pushing some hip hop moves beside
me and we wor"ed together to throw a show for the crowd.
A large circle formed around the dance floor that left nearly half the room open for us. A couple
of the bouncers even came over to watch. The crowd chanted for us# ;Go4 Go4 Go4 Go4; ! was by
far out of breath but everyone continued to cheer me on# so ! finished by down one big bac"flip off
.cott$s bac" and then we ran off to get more drin"s.
.cott# 'u"e# (icholas# Beronica# 'e,i# and myself went upstairs to go chec" things out. Grath
and Jay were upstairs getting more rounds of Te<uila lined up. 2riana was already there and
downed three shots in a row before a big loo" of disgust emerged from her face. .cott and ! too"
her outside for a moment in case she was about to get sic". .he started to get upset and said she felt
super di++y and didn$t want to drin" anymore. 2riana fell into me and ! held her up in my arms. .he
turned around and lic"ed me on the chee" %ust before starting to ta"e all her clothes off. 3er shirt
came off and she threw it onto the road. .he tried to get her pin" bra off but was too drun" to reach
the clip. ! grabbed her and demanded her to stop.
7*uc" you#8 she whined as she ripped herself away from me and %umped on .cott and tried to
ma"e out with him.
7(o# 2riana. 9ou need to get dressed# let me get your shirt#8 .cott reasoned.
79ou "now what# fuc" you too.8 2riana mumbled and started hitting on random men in the line
up waiting to get inside the club.
Jay came out# saw what was going on and said he$d ta"e care of it. .cott and ! reentered the club
wondering about 2riana.73e$s probably going to call the bus and fuc" her before the night$s over#8
.cott complained.
3e was probably right# a few wee"s ago their was a wedding and the newly weds decided to
celebrate their marriage on the pub crawl. The husbands bachelor buddies dragged him away and
missed the bus. At the end of the night Jay got the wife drun" and introduced her to cocaine for the
first time. After the pub crawl was over the bus pulled around the corner and Jay fuc"ed her in the
bac" of the bus. !t was horrible# two people fell in love# got married# and in a moment of true
happiness someone had corrupted her# got her addicted to drugs# and was ta"en advantage of by
another man on their wedding night.
e all "new Jay# we all had hearts# and we all felt guilty for standing by and letting him do it but
there was nothing we could do. And every wee"end we continued supporting his pub crawl in union
of se,# drugs# and a night to %ust get fuc"ed up together.
! couldn$t help but thin" that we were all bro"en and pathetic. That we all needed to come
together and mindlessly lose control and ma"e mista"es to cope# that we needed to abuse drugs
together and use eachother for se, so that we could en%oy temporary satisfaction.
!t reached closing time and the bus was ready to ta"e us bac" to The Empire where we would
catch a cab to get home. Beronica sat beside me on the bus and as"ed me <uestions about my
dancing and as"ed if ! en%oyed "issing her at the strip club.
.cott# 'u"e# Beronica# and ! all lived on the southside of Edmonton and we decided that we
would share cab fair.
hen we got bac" to the empire# .cott said he saw someone he "new and would be right bac".
.cott had trouble wal"ing and stumbled toward a white sedan. ! overhead .cott saying things li"e#
73ey# long time man# how you been08
A voice from the car shouted bac" at .cott# 73ow dare you come here and pretend to be my
friend. 9ou$re a fuc"ing rat and sold me out to the cops# ! got charged because of you.8
.cott bac"ed away from the car and headed for us. A group of guys got out of the car and began
following .cott as he came bac" over to us# 7.cott# don$t wal" away from us# we want to show you
what it$s li"e to get fuc"ed over by your friends.;
'u"e shouted at the group# 7/on$t worry about him. 3e$s %ust had too much to drin" tonight.
e$re leaving.8
7'i"e hell you are# stupid# spi"y-haired bitch48 screamed the alpha male. ! really didn$t want to
fight these guys# a couple of them were large and loo"ed li"e a heavy body builders.
! spotted Grath tal"ing to a group of girls by the club entrance# ! waved him over urgefully# he
caught sight of me and came over. Grath loo"ed from me to the group of hostile drun"s. ;9ou see
these rings#; Grath shouted holding up his fist# ;they$ll fuc" you up4 !$'' fuc" you up4;
The group of drun"en hostiles were shouting insults across the par"ing lot and ma"ing threats. !
"new there was no way we were going to avoid a brawl.
.cott started pu"ing beside a cement bloc"# ;:ome on .cott# we need to get out of here.; 'u"e
said while trying to get him up. .cott clearly wasn$t in any condition to fight# 'u"e had never been
in a fight in his life and ! "new we couldn$t beat them.
! flagged down a ta,i and helped 'u"e carry .cott to the passenger seat# he was barely
conscious.8
'u"e and ! %umped into the ta,i and told the driver to go# at that moment commotion erupted
from all sides of the vehicle.
)ne of the hostile drun"s ran up to the driver-s side of the cab# opened the door and punched the
driver in the head with as much force as possible and then slammed his head into the steering
wheel# he was out cold. Grath was pushed into the side of the ta,i and bounced bac" on his
opponent. Grath literally pic"ed up his opposer and threw him into the cement bloc"ed. Everyone
else got out of the cab to fight and ! did the same# as soon as ! got out ! too" a hit to the face by
some guy wearing a blac" coat. My head whipped bac" with the punch and ! came bac" at him and
threw one good shot to his throat. 3e gasped and held his hand to his throat because he couldn$t
breathe. ! "new he couldn$t breathe because !-d been hit there before# it cuts off your air for a
moment.
! grabbed him by the collar of his coat while running him into a par"ed car. ! threw several more
punches to his face until a beer bottle hit the car and shattered beside me. ! turned around to see
another beer bottle flying towards me. ! threw my arm up to shield myself and the bottle hit my arm
then fell to the ground.
! stormed toward the man throwing beer bottles but another enemy came at me from the side and
"noc"ed me to the ground. 3e %umped on me and got me in a headloc"# ! was getting cho"ed out
and started to get nauseous. All ! could hear was 'u"e shouting# ;3elp Jordan4 3elp Jordan4;
! thought ! was done for and was ready to fall unconscious# but then ! felt my attac"er get
"noc"ed off me and ! could hear grunts of pain as Grath brutally ended him.
A police cruiser pulled up blinding everyone with it$s headlights. e too" off running in a group
and fled down a staircase leading to a lower level of the par"ade.
;!-m par"ed right there4 !-m par" right there4; Grath shouted as he started his car from his "ey
remote# ;someone has to get in the trun"# <uic"4;
Most of us piled into the car and 'u"e %umped in the trun" when he discovered there wasn$t
enough room for him. .ome of us were witnessed in the assault between eachother# some of us had
too many illegal drugs on us to get caught by the cops# and now Grath was drin"ing and driving. e
didn$t want to deal with the cops# period.
e sped through downtown and made it to the bridge. Grath was clearly drun" because he was
swerving all over the street. ! closed my eyes and as"ed myself# 7hat the fuc" did ! get myself
into08 Grath was gunning it across the bridge# the speedometer read DJ? "ph where the speed limit
was F?. A red car in front of us signalled into our lane# Grath swung the steering wheel to the right
trying to swerve around the red car but was going too fast. There was a loud smash as the corner of
Grath$s bumper collided with the red car$s. The driver of the red car slammed on his bra"es# as we
sped past.
e drove south for about ten minutes and Grath pulled into the driveway of a ghetto loo"ing
house. ;! live about a twenty minute wal" from here#; .cott e,plained.
;'ET ME )IT )* T3E *I:6!(G :A5 ()4 *I:6# *I:64 M)T3E5*I:6!(G *I:64;
erupted from the trun" of the car. e opened the trun" for 'u"e as he %umped out in a panic.
;3AT T3E *I:6 A. T3AT# 9)I .3!T4 9)I 3!T .)ME)(E /!/(T 9)I0 9)I 6()
3AT T3AT. '!6E !( T3E /A56 !( A *I:6!(G T5I(64; 3e shouted at Grath. Everyone
waited until 'u"e was done his an,iety attac".
.cott# 'u"e# Beronica and ! wal"ed to .cott$s house. 'u"e and .cott gave me and Beronica
blan"ets and told us we had to share the couch.
They were calling the shots because 'u"e and .cott were roommates. 'u"e and .cott went to
bed and Beronica started stripping down to her in bo,ers in front of me. .he didn$t seem to mind
sharing the couch with me.
! %umped on the couch and laid down acting super rela,ed leaving no room for Beronica. ;3ey#
you can$t do that4 Move over#; Beronica demanded of me.
;!f you want on the couch from me you have to earn it#; ! teased.
Beronica put on a very shoc"ed and offended loo" on her face before %umping on me. .he
wedged herself between the bac" of the couch and my body while trying to push me off. ! was
about to fall flat on my face and lose ownership of the couch. ;)h# no you don$t4; ! said as !
grabbed her arms and held them bac" so she was unable to "eep pushing. .he started struggling to
brea" free but somehow ended up lying on top of me letting out a burst of held bac" laughter. !
started laughing too.
;! feel so comfortable with you#; Beronica said <uietly between giggles. 3er hair was all in her
face and she tilted her head up to loo" into my eyes. !t loo"ed li"e she was debating whether she
should lean in for a "iss or not. .he then opened up her mouth to say# ;e can share the bed#; and
smiled. ! held Beronica in my arms and drifted to sleep.
***
! wo"e up to find Beronica awa"e in my arms.
;*inally# you$re awa"e now4; Beronica said e,citedly# ;! wanted to get up a while ago but ! was
scared to wa"e you up.;
;)h# well than" you#8 ! replied.
;2y the way#; Beronica continued# ;you snore li"e a caveman.;
! opened my mouth with the same shoc"ed and offended loo" she gave me last night. ;! do not4;
Beronica and ! flirted for the ne,t couple hours on the couch and she tal"ed about wanting to
have se, with a Jonas 2rother and steal his purity away# and then went off about hoo"ing me up
with Miley :yrus.
;! once had a cra+y dream where Miley :yrus li"ed me and was hitting on me hardcore#; ! told
her.
;Are you serious40; .he as"ed bursting out into laughter for the tenth time that morning.
;! have to get home now. !t was nice cuddling with you# Beronica.; ! said while getting up and
giving her a <uic" flirtatious win".
;ait4; she demanded# grabbing my arm. ;9ou can$t leave me here# ! live in the same direction
as you# you have to wal" me home#; she said observing my unsatisfied loo" and rethought the last
sentence# ;or at least part way0; she said in the form of a <uestion.
! leaned over the couch closer to her# ;)"ay#; ! said with a smile# ;but you got to go fi, your hair#
! can$t let you go out in public li"e that#; ! said while putting my hand on her head and messing her
hair up some more.
Beronica got herself fi,ed up and we said goodbye to 'u"e and .cott. As we were wal"ing across
the southside of the city# Beronica told me about her teenage years. !t seemed she nearly had it as
rough as ! did in high school.
;! would dress up li"e ! was going to nightclub everyday and still everyone treated me dirt. ! had
almost no friends and people were always starting shit with me for no reason#; Beronica e,plained.
! could relate# ! told her about my life in high school and compared it to hers.
e reached Beronica$s house and parted ways before ! continued my wal" home.
Chapter $
A *e-s +e$orter (or A &odel
)ver the ne,t few months# !$d gone to numerous concerts with /iane: .tereos# Ten .econd Epic#
6ardinall )ffishall# Mother Mother# )ur 'ady 1eace# (atasha 2edingfield# 3edley# :roo"ers#
Tommy 'ee of Motley :rue# 2enni 2enassi# .howte"# 6evin 5udolf# 'M*A)# 2if (a"ed# 'ights#
A"on# *ar East Movement# and 3ollywood Indead.
The damn lead singer of 3ollywood Indead stole my camera. 3e did give it bac" after having
some fun with it however.
/iane and ! went to Mariana$s Trench for the second time.
The Mariana$s Trench concert too" place at :apital E,# a yearly event that was a massive
summer carnival. /iane introduced me to two guy friends at the carnival before Mariana$s Trench
played. They were younger than /iane and had a "een eye for mischief# particularly when one of
them thought it would be funny to buy an ice cream cone and tossed it into the sea of people before
the stage. The glob of ice cream landed in a poor girl$s hair and it stuc" there as she tried to get it
out by running her fingers through her blonde strands repeatedly.G she was only spreading it.
Mariana$s Trench began playing .ha"e Tramp. 7)h my god#8 /iane said loudly and "issed me#
7wait here# ! have to go find my friend. This is our favourite song.8 ! nodded and after she
disappeared# /iane$s two guy friends loo"ed bac" at me. They were twice my si+e and ! could see
devious plot in their eyes. They both loo"ed at eachother as if silently as"ing# 7are you thin"ing
what !$m thin"ing08
They both lunged at me# grabbed my legs# and hoisted me into the air. ! landed on top of heads#
hands# and unfortunately faces. A fist came up and struc" me in the face as ! was floating above the
crowd. 1eople carried me above them and ! had no control over my body# ! was at the mercy of
those holding me up. ! got tossed up again and had a couple feet of air above the heads below me#
as ! came down ! spotted a badass-loo"ing bi"er dude. 3e loo"ed old# had a gray handle bar
moustache# was wearing a blac" bandana# and a blac" leather %ac"et. 3e loo"ed li"e a 3ells Angel#
and ! was headed right for him.
!n the half second ! was falling# ! pleaded that ! didn$t land on him. ! fell downward and booted
the bi"er right in the face# my heart dropped and ! begged that the crowd didn$t let me go there. !
san" into the crowd in front of the now e,tremely angry bi"er. 2ut frantic hands pulled me bac"
above the sea of people and they carried me right to the stage. Josh 5amsey and ! made eye contact#
he smir"ed at me %ust before security pulled me behind the barricades before the stage. The security
guard ripped the collar of my shirt and shoved me bac" outside the barricade.
! loo"ed li"e hell.
My hair was a fri++ed mess# my face was bruised from getting hit# and the collar of my shirt was
ripped in half. ! wal"ed around the sea of people and loo"ed into it wondering how the hell ! was
going to find /iane. ! te,ted her. .he replied e,plaining that she was at the front of crowd on the
left side. G !t really helped considering ! was loo"ing into a sea of three-thousand people. G !t really
! started s<uee+ing and pushing my way bac" into the crowd. Josh 5amsey made a remar" about
Edmontonians and the crowd went wild. ! shouted out with a remar" of my own but no one could
hear me over the screams# e,cept for one girl.
Jade# a girl who was recently brea"ing into modeling spun around and said# 7)h# hi Jordan48
:onfused# ! as"ed# 7/o ! "now you08
7!t$s me# Jade from *aceboo".8
Then it registered in my memory# ! had been tal"ing to one of 'eah$s old friends since moving to
Edmonton. Jade and ! tal"ed over *aceboo" casually but had never met eachother.
7Jade4 3oly shit# how are you08
7!$m great4 :ra+y meeting you li"e this.8
Jade and ! had as much chemistry as we had online# we got interested in eachother and tal"ed
about meeting but never fell through with the plans# and then pure chance had brought us together.
.he told me she was in the city for a photoshoot with her modeling agency and came to :apital E,
while she was in Edmonton.
7! need to go find my girlfriend# /iane# she$s near the front# want to tag along08
7.ure# %ust hold on and let me ditch my friends#8 Jade turned around and dismissed herself from
her group. Jade and ! made it about half way to the stage until we started having to s<uee+e tightly
in between people to get further. Jade put her arms around me and pressed against me while
s<uee+ing between another compressed set of people.
)ur legs ended up intertwined between eachothers# her crotch pressed up against my leg and
mine against hers# 7This is hot#8 she said seductively. .he loo"ed into my eyes and ! loo"ed into
hers# ! felt li"e she was inviting me to "iss her# so ! did. e got into an intense lip loc"# when !
pulled out of the "iss ! recogni+ed a face in the crowd. /iane was staring at me with a loo" of
disgust# disappointment and hurt on her face. Guilt flooded me and ! only stared bac" at her before
she s<uirmed herself further into the crowd to get away from me.
7Jade# stay here48 ! demanded and urgently s<uee+ed further into the crowd loo"ing for her. !
couldn$t find her anywhere and started frantically te,ting her. 7here are you0 !$m sorry. This
random girl %ust came up and "issed me.8
7.tay away from me#8 she replied.
! searched for both /iane and Jade in the crowd but couldn$t find either afterword
! went home after the concert ended feeling deeply distraught and guilty. ! got into my room and
opened up the lap top# ! searched for /iane on *aceboo"# but it was evident she bloc"ed all forms of
communication with me. .he was not coming up in any of my searches and stopped replying to all
of my te,ts.
! felt li"e the biggest idiot in the world# /iane was the most prominent woman ! had ever dated#
she had the world going for her# she was stable# beautiful# smart# confident# responsible# and she
was perfect for long term commitment. /iane was nothing but good to me# and ! fuc"ed it up %ust as
it was about to get serious.
! believed ! cheated and pursued women at every opportunity because ! was the loser in
highschool# ! had never had a serious or noteworthy girlfriend in my entire teen-hood# ! felt li"e !
needed a consolation pri+e for missing out on popularity and good e,periences throughout my
highschool years. ! had to let go of that consolation pri+e and learn to recogni+e when ! had
something great sitting right underneath my nose.
/iane and ! had a more casual relationship and ! didn$t ta"e it too seriously. ! received a te,t
message from one of her friends telling me that /iane actually fell for me during that wee" and was
going to tal" to me about getting into a more serious relationship# until she saw me with Jade.
A message from Jade popped up on my faceboo"# she invited me to come to :apital E, again the
ne,t day# she said she had fun with me and wanted to see me again.
A modeling photo of Jade #erguson
! got mi,ed up between an attractive news reporter and a struggling model. hen ! thought about
it# ! wanted /iane. ! reached out to her one last time and called her# she answered and told me she
really li"ed me but wanted to be with someone who could be loyal to %ust one girl no matter what#
and ! wasn$t that guy. !n the finality# ! arranged the plans to meet with Jade at :apital E, again# it
was a date.
###
! entered the gates# paid for the ride pass# and located Jade and her friend. Jade hugged me as she
greeted me.
7Are you going to introduce me to your friend08 ! as"ed# 7!t$s the polite thing to do.8
Jade introduced me to 6elsey# who was consistently playing with her lip ring using her tongue.
At first# it was a little aw"ward around 6elsey but after ! started running some standard Game
material on her& she warmed up to me pretty fast. !t turned out 6elsey and ! had great chemistry# we
%ust had these moments whenever we made eye contact# we$d both simply smile at eachother
immensely& it was flirting without the words.
! learned that Jade was one of those girls who couldn$t put her phone down. 2etween rides she
couldn$t stop te,ting and ! "new ! could use that against her. ! tried using my seduction techni<ues
on her but she was playing hard to get. ! tried to ta"e her by surprise and "iss her une,pectedly. !
"ept getting a centimetre from her lips before she pulled bac" and loo"ed at me disapprovingly.
7.o ! guess this is not a date#8 ! stated#
7(o# it$s a date# but no "issing#8 Jade replied with assurance.
7!t can$t be a date if there$s no "iss.8
7ell# my dates are li"e that#8 she said with a smug smile on her face.
7That$s not fair.8
7! don$t play fair# as" 6elsey.8
7.he has three boyfriends#8 6elsey informed me.
! laughed# 7.o glad ! didn$t "iss her now# than"s 6elsey.8
7hat4 hy08 Jade stammered.
! "new that by teasing Jade the right way ! could ma"e her chase me. That was what The Game
was about& ma"ing the girl chase you instead of chasing her.
7(othing# ! %ust didn$t reali+e you were one of $those$ girls.8
7hat girl08 Jade shouted.
Jade$s phone beeped with another te,t message# she couldn$t stop answering them all day. !
snatched the phone from her. Jade pretended not to care and let me have my way with her te,t
messages. The phone beeped with yet another te,t# 7ho$s 5yan08 ! as"ed.
7hat4 Give me that48 Jade stammered.
7!f ! didn$t "now any better# !$d thin" he was important to you.8
7Give me the phone4 hat did he say08
! loo"ed at 5yan$s message. !t read# 7! don$t remember much# what did you do after the party08
73oly shit# this is good48 ! fibbed while "eeping the phone out of Jade$s reach as she tried
grabbing for it again. ! replied to the message with a smiley face and deleted both the received and
outgoing message to screw with Jade. .he wanted to play hard to get and the multiple boyfriend
card on me# than ! didn$t have to play nice with her.
The three of us got onto another ride# it was one of those cup things that spun round and round. !
gave the phone to Jade as soon as the ride started# she "new e,actly why ! chose to give to her then#
7This ride isn$t fast enough to stop me from reading#8 she laughed thin"ing she got the best of me.
)n the ride she got frustrated and started smac"ing me playfully# 79ou deleted it4 )h my god# what
did you say0 hat did he say0 9ou have to tell me# this is so mean48
! eventually told Jade what he said and told her that ! only sent a smiley face bac". .he didn$t
believe me and as"ed 5yan what the last thing she sent was.
After a few more rides# Jade became e,tremely frustrated and she was te,ting more frantically
than she had the entire day. ! worried that it was something ! did as more and more drama bro"e out
with Jade on her phone.
Jade suddenly loo"ed up from her phone and slapped 6elsey across the face as hard as she could.
6elsey pushed Jade ma"ing her fall bac" into someone else.
75yan thin"s you$re a fuc"ing slutty bitch and he never wants to see you again. Just bac" off
him#8 6elsey blurted out.
7hat the hell was that08 ! stammered to both of the girls. They both ignored me.
Jade ran away into the crowd and 6elsey too" off in the opposite direction. After some
searching# ! spotted Jade crying on the curb. ! put my arm around her and tried comforting
her#7hat happened0 9ou can tal" to me.8
Jade opened up and said she got really drun" at a party and cheated on her boyfriend. L)ne of her
boyfriends at leastM And that he already found someone else and doesn$t want to be with her
anymore. .he had %ust discovered that the someone else was 6elsey.
Jade started digging through her purse and pulled out a mic"ey of rum. .he titled her head bac"#
ta"ing large swigs before and shoving the bottle in my face. !n time# ! was starting to feel the li<our.
Jade informed me that she needed to go tal" to 6elsey and wor" things out.
7Good luc" finding her#8 ! said humorously
7! "now where she is#8 Jade replied# 7she te,ted me. !$ll te,t you when we$re done.8 .he got up#
wiped away her tears# and disappeared into the mass of people.
! got up and wandered :apital E, with nothing to do until ! came to a military tent. They had a
military vehicle par"ed# and a table with military grade firearms that you could hold and feel.
! thought about it# ! thought about being a solider# firing weapons and having weapons fired upon
me. ! would be a warrior# ! could become more fit and more e,perienced than anyone ! ever "new.
! pic"ed up the assault rifle and held in my hands gracefully# ! peered through the scope and
imagined firing a round off. /eep in my heart ! "new ! wanted it. ! didn$t want to go to war but !
wanted to e,perience more and be more than everyone ! "new. ! wanted to feel superior and my
opportunity to do that had never been so easy. All ! had to do was tal" to the recruiter and sign a
contract.
! approached the recruiter and as"ed <uestions about what military life was li"e and what "ind of
ris"s their were in %oining. There was the ris" that ! could be fatally in%ured or "illed.
! told him ! wanted to %oin the :anadian *orces. 3e printed out a piece of paper# had me fill out
the information# and all ! had to do was sign the last dotted line and ! was officially government
property.
! held the pen in hand and stared at the paper. A moment passed and ! was fro+en still# 7!$m sorry#
! need a moment before ! sign.8
7.ure# it$s a big decision# ta"e your time#8 the recruiter told me.
! wal"ed outside the tent# a soldier in uniform noticed me and as"ed if !$d li"e to sit in the
military %eep. ! ignored his offer and told him# 7!$m moments away from %oining you guys# is it
worth it08
7/epends on what you$re loo"ing for# most people loo" at the benefits of %oining the army and
they$re a lot of them# but no one ever reali+es how much of a shoc" it is to suddenly change your
lifestyle. 8! continued as"ing him all sorts of <uestions# he was willing to tell me the details that the
recruiter held bac". 3e got into a traumatic story that always rang through my head everytime the
:anadian *orces came up.7! was deployed in Afghanistan and my camp was ta"ing fire every night.
! would get a phone call from my mother once every two wee"s# she was worried sic" for me and it
would brea" her heart if she "new how much danger there was# so ! lied to her. ! told her that we
hadn$t seen any of the bad guys and ! hadn$t even used my rifle yet. ! told her that everything was
fine and ! was ma"ing a difference# that ! was safe and she would see me soon. 2ut ! wasn$t safe# !
was returning fire every day with artillery shells flying overhead into the trees. )ne day# my platoon
got ambushed and we were in the middle of the firefight# a buddy of mine too" a shot to the head
and dropped dead right in front of me. ! thin" about that every day and thin" about how easily it
could$ve been me. .o thin" about that before you sign your life away.8
! couldn$t do it# it didn$t seem li"e a big deal# all ! was doing was signing a piece of paper and
would be getting great training and unforgettable life e,perience. 2ut after hearing the story# it all
felt too real for me. ! thought about being "illed and accepted it as the ris" ! had to ta"e# you don$t
imagine yourself being the one to die# you imagine yourself as the one to ma"e it out alive and go
home. hen ! started to really thin" about it# ! reali+ed how fragile ! really was and how easily my
life could be ta"en from me.
! wal"ed away from the tent and started thin"ing deeply about what ! had almost done. !t was a
decision ! had to put on hold.
! te,ted Jade# 73ave you two wor"ed everything out yet08
7(o# we$re not done yet. !$ll te,t you when.8
! spotted the girls in the line up for the water log ride an hour later as ! was wal"ing around
loo"ing for things to do. ! grew tired and te,ted her telling her not to bother te,ting me afterword
because ! was leaving. ! wasn$t actually leaving# but ! thought ! owed it to myself to disregard
people who would suc" me in when they needed personal support and than throw me away when !
wasn$t specifically desired.
! entered a fenced off smo"ing area and approached a male as"ing for a cigarette. hen we got
into conversation# ! learned that he coincidentally ended up in the same situation ! did& ditched by
some girls. 3e e,plained how he had won four tic"ets to the event by calling into the 2ounce ED.@#
the 2ounce was a hit music radio station that was popular throughout Edmonton and it$s
surrounding areas. 3e had brought three girls with him and as soon as they got their ride passes#
they too" off.
! told him about what happened between Jade# 6elsey and !# then made the suggestion that the
two of us hang out. 3e agreed and introduced himself as 6yle Thomas. 6yle was new to Edmonton
and was actively loo"ing for friends.
6yle and ! hit up a do+en rides until ! got a te,t message from 1aige# she was having a pool party
at the mini-mansion while her parents were out of town. .he told me to bring as many people as !
li"ed. ! sent out invites to all my closest friends and the pub crawl crew.
! invited 6yle and he offered to provide some li<our. 6yle guided me into the par"ing lot and he
unloc"ed the door to a beautiful white DEHC *irebird# it was his most pri+ed possession.
6yle was a natural show off and li"ed to point out things that no one else noticed# or cared to
notice. 3e revved his engine vigorously when pulling out onto the streets and pointed to an
attractive young girl wal"ing down the sidewal". 7.he$s on her period# want to "now how ! "now
that0 'oo" at the way she wal"s# she$s unnecessarily ta"ing shorter steps.
2ewildered# ! observed the girl. ! silently nodded when he loo"ed toward me waiting for me to
agree.
hen we arrived at li<our store# 6yle went all out# he bought a bottle of Te<uila# Bod"a# Gin# a
twenty-four case of beer# and two four-pac"s of strawberry coolers. 6yle was starting to grow on
me.
72ig spender# eh08 ! said as 6yle dumped the bags of li<our in the bac" seat.
7!t$s pay day today# ! got a couple grand to burn.8
7hat do you do08
7! wor" two %obs# ! mar" the ground where the gas lines are and ! do construction whenever !
can.8
hen we arrived in Twin 2roo"s# 6yle was in awe over the beautiful homes in the area. 3e$d
never been to a wealthy person$s party before.
1aige happily greeted us in# she was in a cheery mood and told me that ! had to meet her
boyfriend# :olin# when he showed up. .he wouldn$t stop going off about how sweet he was# she
seemed infatuated and ! was happy for her.
.cott# 'u"e# (icholas# 2riana# 'e,i# Beronica# 5achel# and 6aty# had all shown up. My friends
mingled well with 1aige$s friends and we stood beside eachother while staring out onto the pool
dec" "nowing that it was we that brought them together.
7.o where$s this :olin08 ! as"ed.
73e should be here by now#8 she replied and started te,ting. To her dismay# she then said he
wasn$t coming.
79ou o"ay08 ! as"ed# concerned by her saddened e,pression.
79eah# we %ust got into a fight a few days ago and he$s still childishly mad at me about it. 3e$s
not happy that !$m having a party either# he thin"s !$m going to get into trouble#8 she e,plained#
rolling her eyes.
7ell# ! hope he$s worth it# you deserve the best# 1aige.8 ! complimented.
7Awe# than" you# Jordan. .o do you have anyone in your life# right now08
7! was dating a news reporter# believe it or not# then ! foolishly lost her when she caught me
cheating with a model.8 ! said humorously.
73oly shit#8 1aige laughed# 7someones been a bad boy.8
7And it seems you$ve turned into a good girl.8
7!$ve always been a good girl48 she countered.
7ell# there was that time we evaded police and then you bro"e my heart.8
7/on$t bring that up again48 1aige said unhappily and started wal"ing away.
7.orry# ! didn$t mean to upset you.8 ! said# following.
7/on$t be sorry# %ust don$t do it again.8
72ut someone says !$m a bad boy now.8 ! said in a silly voice# trying to cheer her up again.
.cott and (icholas started teasing 1aige and ! from the pool# 7Jordan# did you as" her out yet08
7! already have a boyfriend48 1aige shouted defensively.
72ut he$s a good "isser# you can as" her# her# and her.8 .cott laughed# pointing to 2riana#
Beronica# and then 6aty.
79ou didn$t48 1aige smiled# her mouth dropping open and then she burst into laughter.
7.cott# no more pool parties for you# my friend.8
7)h no# he$s coming to all my pool parties now#8 1aige remar"ed and then sat at the edge of the
pool# 7so what else has Jordan been up to08
.cott started spea"ing of all sorts of evil ! had committed on half a do+en pub crawls. ! didn$t
need a recap of all my drun"en adventures so ! started tal"ing to 'e,i. e somehow got into a
conversation about our e,$s and a guy named (ic" came up for her.
7ait# a (ic" about this tall#8 ! estimated with my hand# 7had bleached hair# always wore a hat08
79eah.8 'e,i said s"eptically.
7/id you two ever have se, in a girl$s parent$s bed at a house party# and you couldn$t find your
panties afterword08
73AT T3E *I:6# 9EA348
7/id you ever get a video of a bunch of guys burning those panties08
7Alright# how the fuc" do you "now so much08 'e,i stammered in disbelief.
7! used to "now (ic"# ! helped burn your panties#8 ! confessed# nearly pissing myself from
laughing. ! told her about how ! met (ic" and how we came about finding her panties. !t turned out
that 'e,i still "ept in touch with (ic" and she "new 'ee. ! as"ed her about 'ee and e,plained that !
always wondered what happened to him.
1aige wal"ed up beside me# 7Jordan# ! had no idea#8 she giggled.
###
6yle called me in the afternoon# he e,plained how he had won more tic"ets from calling into The
2ounce again. ;3ey Jordan# ! won two tic"ets to the Inderground .ound with ill.i.am. ! was
going to ta"e this girl ! "new but she-s busy so that means there-s one tic"et up for grabs. /o you
want it0; ! didn$t hesitate# a free concert sounded good enough to me.
6yle and ! met downtown# went into the underground floor of the city center par"ade and entered
through security. The venue had a race car theme because the event was used as an after party for
the Edmonton !ndy 5acers. Along the walls were dancers in cages and a long counter with about
twenty female bartenders dressed in the chec"ered blac" and white racing pattern.
ill.i.am started to play 7! Gotta *eeling8 and the crowd went wild. ! started to do some
brea"dancing in the center of the par"ing lot# people were clapping# and cheering for me# ill.i.am
grabbed the microphone and ac"nowledged me# 7'ove the brea"dancing# man. 'et$s get you up to
the front48
1eople made way for me and ! began twisting moves together before the stage. ! felt proud that !
was recogni+ed for my art by someone li"e ill.i.am.
After ! grew tired and didn$t have the breath to pop out another move# 6yle and ! found a table to
sit at. e noticed two dancers snea"ing glances at us from inside one of the cages# ! recogni+ed one
of the dancers from a calendar my co-wor"er 5andy had up at wor"# she was an Edmonton 5ush
girl# a go-go dancer. The Edmonton 5ush was a cheerleading s<uad that was chosen for the city-s
biggest and most well "nown events. The dancers came out of the cage after twenty minutes for a
brea".
6yle put a big smir" on his face and got up from the table# ! "new he was going to try hitting on
a locally successful woman and ! was humoured by it because ! didn$t believe it would go well. !
observed 6yle from the table# he had the girls smiling and laughing. ! eventually seen one of the
girls grab a nap"in and write her number on it before handing it to 6yle. )"ay# that$s it# ! thought as
! got up and went to get in on the action. 76yle4 !ntroduce me to your friends# it$s the polite thing to
do.8 6yle showed good sportsmanship and got me ac<uainted with the girls. The Edmonton 5ush
girl was named 3illary# and her friend was Tayla# we became a group and went outside for a
cigarette.
After the girls finished their smo"es# they went bac" inside for their ne,t rotation in the cages. A
<uiet sobbing became apparent to 6yle and !# there was a girl sitting on the curb of the sidewal"
ta"ing long inhaled puffs of her cigarette while letting tears run down her chee"s. 6yle %umped
down beside her# ;hat-s wrong# why do you loo" so upset0; 6yle as"ed in a funny voice.
;)h# ! %ust had a bad night#; the girl replied. 6yle pushed for an answer but the girl refused to
give it to him.
;Alright# how can ! ma"e your day0 ! hate seeing people upset#; 6yle as"ed the girl# persisting.
;These fuc"ing shoes are too tight for my feet4; the girl e,claimed angrily as she pulled them off
her feet and threw them onto the street.
6yle smiled at her# ;ell# do you want to trade me shoes0;
The women laughed# ;9eah right# if you could wal" in my shoes !-d give you a hug#; 6yle
removed his s"ate shoes and could barely fit three toes into each high heel and then began wobbling
wal"ing across the street in them. The women giggled at 6yle as he nearly fell over on his face a
few times. The girl got up and gave 6yle a hug# ;9ou$re cute#; she told him# ;but !-m married#8 as
she showed 6yle the ring on her finger# then wal"ed bac" into the underground par"ing lot. ! loo"ed
at 6yle impressively# ! met my match.
At the end of the night# ! received a random te,t message from .ydney out of the blue. ! hadn$t
spo"en with her since ! left 2.: but it still felt li"e it was %ust yesterday that ! was trying to choose
between her and (icole. .ydney e,plained to me that she moved bac" to *ort .as"atchewan and
wondered if ! still lived in Edmonton which was less than an hour away. .he wanted to see me.
Chapter %
/ld (lames Die Hard
)ver the ne,t wee"# with a little bit of searching# ! bought my first car# a DEED 3onda :ivic. !t
was this heap of %un" that was hardly in an operable state. ! bought it and had it towed to my uncle$s
shop. ! called 6yle up because he "new a lot about wor"ing on vehicles and he was the only person
that could get the car in running condition in the ne,t couple days. ! purchased over two-thousand
dollars in parts for the vehicle and installed them with the help of 6yle.
6yle and ! spent a lot of time wor"ing on the vehicle ma"ing it fit to drive# we practically
replaced everything other than the engine itself. ! called the insurance company and they charged
me over two-hundred a month for insurance over the accident ! had in 2.:.
! was surprised by how fast ! got all this done# things happened with the motivation of seeing
.ydney. .he$d been bugging me all wee" to come see her# she was the perhaps the only tie to my
past that ! had left and that had value to me. .ydney was someone who ! thought could understand
me because she would get to witness both of my alternate lives in each province.
6yle wanted to come up to *ort .as"atchewan to see who all the wor" was for# ;This girl must
be pretty special if she-s got you on the go all wee" %ust to see her#; 6yle snic"ered.
;(ot really# she$s %ust a girl ! have small history with#; ! e,plained non-chalantly. !t wasn$t true
though# ! thin" a part of me regretted not being able to fulfil the connection .ydney and ! had in the
past. hen ! chose (icole ! often thought# what if ! had chose .ydney& it was my chance to re"indle
what was never finished.
7.o when are you going to see her08 6yle as"ed.
7(ot sure# my boss has me wor"ing overtime for the rest of the wee"# ! won$t have much free
time on my hands.8
The ne,t day# .ydney te,ted me and as"ed once again if ! could come see her that day. ! was at
wor" and told her that it was unli"ely. 6yle called me during my brea" and ! mentioned .ydney
bugging me again.
;e should go#; 6yle said anticipating an adventure# 7today48
;!$m still at wor"# !-m all dirty# and have to wor" again tomorrow# so we would have to call it an
early night if we went up. !t gives us two# maybe three hours to be up there#; ! countered.
6yle accused me of procrastinating# 7/on$t do tomorrow what you can do today#8 he said#
7.eeing .ydney has been on your mind for over a wee" now# so %ust go see her48
Eventually 6yle persuaded me. ! called .ydney# ;ell# .ydney# you %ust might get what your
wish#; ! told her.
;9ou$re coming to see me0; .ydney s<uealed.
;9eah# ! should be there around @:?? p.m. Meet me at the 2oston 1i++a par"ing lot# don$t be
late.; !t was done. ! %ust finali+ed the plans and set the wheels in motion. L1un intended.M
###
6yle and ! bic"ered at eachother the entire drive to *ort .as"atchewan# ! "new the <uic"est way
to .ydney by ta"ing the main highways around Edmonton. 2y my estimation ! was only twenty
minutes away from seeing .ydney. ! was about to turn onto highway DF toward the last stretch to
*ort .as"atchewan but 6yle insisted he "new a better way. ! trusted 6yle$s %udgement and stayed on
the current highway but it started heading bac" into the north side of Edmonton.
;6yle this goes bac" into the fuc"ing city# now we have to wait at five do+en intersections and go
slow city speeds#8 ! stated angrily. At every red light# ! was getting more and more irritable. e
were getting stuc" in traffic and twenty minutes passed. My route would$ve had me in *ort
.as"atchewan already but instead ! was still trying to fight my way out of the city.
;)"ay this lights turning red# gun it48 6yle instructed. ! stomped my foot to the gas and flew
through the yellow light %ust as it turned red. ;.ee#; 6yle said.
e finally reached a highway but ! didn$t "now where the hell we were. The only thing ! "new
was that ! left so that ! would$ve been fifteen minutes early. ! was now fifteen minutes late and only
%ust leaving the city. ! tried to "eep my road rage suppressed but ! was clearly showing it by driving
one-hundred-eighty "ilometres per hour down the highway. 6yle "ept pointing out that ! was mad
and that ! should slow down# but ! only ignored him and was determined to ma"e up for lost time.
! naturally would not have been so mad but ! was worried that .ydney might not wait more than
thirty minutes for me at 2oston 1i++a. ! was also stressed that ! only had a few hours to spend with
.ydney and 6yle$s forty-five minute detour had cut into almost half of that time.
e eventually reached *ort .as"atchewan# ! ripped off the road and swung into a par"ing stall
outside 2oston 1i++a. (o one was there# ! figured that .ydney had gotten tired of waiting and left. !
stepped out of the car and demanded a cigarette from 6yle# he handed me one and ! lit it as fast as !
could# inhaling deeply to relieve my stress. 7(ever ta"ing driving directions from you again#; ! told
6yle coldly.
7:heer up man# you can ma"e plans with her another time.8 ! dropped my smo"e# spun around
and swung my fist at him in anger. 3e duc"ed under my swing and ! hit nothing but air. ! was
angered by his lac" of care# he tal"ed me into going# ! set a perfect plan in motion# he ruined it and
made my effort for nothing. The way ! saw it# he sent me on a wild goose chase and ruined my
chance to get bac" in touch with the girl ! cared about.
7:alm down48 6yle shouted# 7! still got us here# didn$t !0 !$ll even buy you a new pac" of
smo"es4;
!n that moment a truc" further down the par"ing lot started it$s engine# it pulled forward down the
lot a few spaces away from 6yle and !. ! loo"ed into the truc" and saw a scruffy loo"ing man in a
red baseball cap and a brown haired girl sitting in the passenger seat. The two in the truc" were
laughing.
;There-s .ydney#; ! told 6yle. .ydney and her guy friend stepped out of the truc" and we wal"ed
toward each other filling the space between our vehicles. .ydney came directly to me giving me a
hug.
7/id you %ust try to hit your friend08 .ydney as"ed while smiling at the sight of me.
;!t$s an inside %o"e#8 ! smiled in return#7!ntroductions0;
;This is Matt#; .ydney replied. ! introduced 6yle and then as"ed how long .ydney and Matt had
"nown each other# ;)h# about two wee"s. 3e lives in *ort too#; .ydney answered.
! gave .ydney a playful bac"handed insult and as"ed about what happened to her hair since the
last time ! saw her. .he had bangs that really didn$t suit her. .ydney countered with %o"es about my
new platinum blonde hair. ! thought it loo"ed good but she claimed to thin" otherwise. After a
volley of conversation bac" and forth we all agreed that we should go bac" to .ydney$s apartment.
;! don$t "now how to get there so we$ll follow you#; ! told .ydney and Matt as 6yle and !
returned to the :ivic. The truc" too" off and we followed it down the main road.
! thought about all the times 6yle and ! went out to clubs and ! was going to give up on a girl but
he pointed out things that ! completely missed. 6yle was the guy ! could count on for
encouragement to go after what ! wanted because his most abundant <uality was persuasion.
;6yle# pic" up on whatever signs you can from .ydney#8 ! told him# 7!-m going to try and bring
out some indicators of interest from her.; 6yle apologi+ed about his misdirection to *ort
.as"atchewan and admitted that he was wrong. 3e assured me he would watch .ydney for any
signs and promised me that he was loo"ing out for my best interest.
e followed the truc" past a cluster of department stores and fast food restaurants until it pulled
into a large formation of apartment buildings. The truc" pulled into a par"ing spot before one of the
comple,es.
.ydney %umped out of the truc" and instructed us to par" in the visitor par"ing spaces. ! pulled
into a random stall and went to put my foot to the brea". ! accidentally pressed on the gas and the
car gunned forward mere inches from a newly planted tree. ! reacted <uic" and put the car to a stop
%ust before it bumped up the curb.
! could see .ydney laughing at me again in the rear view mirror. ;)h man# ! must be ma"ing a
great impression#; ! said to 6yle humorously.
6yle loo"ed at me for half a second and burst into laughter# ;*uc" Jordan# let-s go4; he replied.
6yle and ! approached .ydney who was waiting with Matt by the entrance of her comple,. .he
unloc"ed the lobby door with her "ey and we followed her into a long# narrow hallway and stood in
front of the elevator as she re<uested the lift to our floor. The elevator doors opened with a ding and
we stepped inside while .ydney pressed for the third floor. ;! had some fun times getting drun" and
passing out in this elevator#; .ydney remar"ed while waiting. The doors opened and we wal"ed
across another hall before .ydney opened the door into her apartment.
Matt sat down on a grey couch that .ydney apparently slept on every night. 6yle pointed out that
it was very s<uea"y in the middle# ;hat were you guys doing on that couch0; 6yle said with
humouring accusation. A big guilty smile formed on .ydney-s face and her chee"s started to turn a
bright red.
;9up# .ydney-s guilty. 'oo" at her face4; ! said being coc"y-funny. .ydney turned away trying to
hide her face but she "new the obvious wasn$t going away.
;!t was only once4; .ydney countered.
;)ne time ma"es a couch that s<uea"y0; 6yle as"ed# bewildered.
.ydney hid her face again and then revealed it once again to tal"# ;My sister did things on that
couch too4;
;)r that-s the story she-s going with#; ! grinned as ! sat down on s<uea"y grey couch. ! bounced
up and down on it for dramatic effect# emphasi+ing on the s<uea"s.
.ydney sat down between Matt and ! on the couch. Matt started tic"ling her. .ydney %olted onto
my lap and ! held her arms bac" as Matt tic"led her. hen Matt had stopped# .ydney didn$t seem to
want to move.
;)h# ! have to show you something# Jordan4; .ydney said e,citedly while motioning me to
follow her. ! followed her into a bedroom leaving Matt and 6yle behind in the living room. .he
opened up the bedroom closet showing me several weed plants glowing under a heated lamp.
.he then directed me to follow her bac" out into the living room where she wal"ed up to a small
cage sitting on the living room table. .he opened the cage and lifted a big orange sna"e out of it.
;This is !ggy#; she told me as she handed it to me# ;all my friends in (elson are scared of sna"es#;
.ydney continued.
! laughed# ;All ! remember is (icole being deathly afraid of sna"es.;
.ydney$s face turned to annoyed# ;That girl was so immature# she is such a daddy$s girl and ! bet
she didn$t even put out with you.; ! almost cut in but .ydney cut me off# ;Actually# ew4 ! don$t even
want to "now what she did with you.;
! left it at that# 6yle started to frantically te,t on his cell phone# he shoved the phone in front of
my face showing his discreet message to me# 7Matt$s hungry and !$m going to convince him to get
food with me which will leave you and .ydney alone. /on$t waste the time ! open up for you.8
73ey .ydney#8 6yle brought up. 7Matt and ! are hungry so we$re going to go grab some food.
e$$ll be right bac".8
.ydney wasn$t phased by the turn of events. !n fact she seemed pleased that she and ! would be
left alone together. .ydney showed me her balcony and left the slide door wide open as she offered
me one of her smo"es.
;)"ay# we$re going now#; 6yle said as he came up behind us and loc"ed the balcony door on us.
;3ey4; .ydney shouted as we watched 6yle and Matt put their shoes on and leave the apartment.
Moments later# we saw them speed away down the road in Matt$s truc". 6yle was a fuc"ing
relentless and brilliant matchma"er.
;! guess we$re going to be here for a while#; ! said to .ydney trying to hide my smir" over 6yle$s
display.
.ydney and ! were trapped out on her balcony for almost an hour. !t was the perfect hour to get
out personal feelings and not be able to escape eachother. e started to tal" about the night that !
chose (icole over her.
.he as"ed me what was special about our first "iss# the only one time ! ever "issed her was along
with the five other girls in the same night. ! avoided the topic "nowing that ! could never give her
the answer she was loo"ing for.
.he gave up digging for answers and we ended up tal"ing about my fight with 2rent leading to
my suspension. ! recogni+ed that all of it was %ust mere small tal". ! decided to ta"e the ris" and tal"
about something that mattered. ;! should$ve chose you# .ydney# instead of (icole# it was the
stupidest decision ! could have made. :hoosing (icole only gave me drama# it lead to the fling with
Melissa and the bullshit with Trevor# which lead to the fight with 2rent# which eventually lead to
6endra ta"ing an interest in me and then sending 6onrad to my house to threaten me and then
finally...my car accident. !t was a huge chain reaction leading to my demise. My life might$ve been
so much more different if ! had chose you.;
.ydney$s eyes were glued to mine# she didn$t blin" once. ;ell#; .ydney said softly# ;shit$s
fuc"ed.;
;!t sure is#; ! replied# ;you "now# ! have to go when 6yle gets bac". ! wor" in the morning.;
;(o4; .ydney demanded# ;.tay. 9ou can stay the night here.;
;hy do you want me to stay so bad0; ! as"ed her.
;e haven$t seen each other in a long time# we still have lots of catching up to do#; she told me.
;!t hasn$t been that long# you stopped tal"ing to me shortly after (icole# so why do you want to
be friends with me now# all of a sudden0; ! as"ed.
;2ecause people don$t hate you here# everyone is off my case about being friends with you now.;
;.o you do whatever people tell you to do %ust to ma"e them happy0; ! as"ed with underlying
cynicism.
.ydney became very <uiet. .he "new what ! as"ed was true and didn$t want to admit it. .ydney
and ! managed to get the balcony door open and went inside. ! te,ted 6yle and told him some of the
signs ! was seeing from .ydney.
;.he wants you# don$t leave tonight. 3old it out and see where it goes#; 6yle te,ted in reply.
;3ow do you "now0; ! as"ed him. ! easily recogni+ed the signs too but ! need the reassurance
that 6yle was so used to giving me.
;!f she didn$t want you she wouldn$t have purposely thrown herself into your arms when Matt
was tic"ling her and she wouldn$t be trying to stop you from leaving#; 6yle replied. .ydney and !
tal"ed for moments more until my phone started bu++ing with yet another te,t from 6yle. ;Jordan#
you and .ydney should come over here. ! told Matt that ! was trying to hoo" you two up and now
he$s flipping shit. 3e-s got a problem with you all of a sudden.;
;.ydney#; ! as"ed# ;do you "now why Matt would be flipping out right now0;
;)h#; .ydney said# ;3e$s probably mad because you$re alone with me# he$s got a bit of a thing for
me.;
;! noticed#; ! replied# ;we should go to Mc/onalds. 6yle doesn$t want to be dealing with him
right now.
;)"ay#; .ydney agreed.
e left the apartment building and drove out to Mc/onalds to find 6yle and Matt. 6yle was
sitting on a bench away from Matt$s truc" and ! could see the figure of Matt in the driver$s seat. !
par"ed beside Matt. .ydney loo"ed out the window and was about to open the door but hesitated.
.ydney let out a big sigh#;! don$t want to go out there but ! have to#; she e,plained.
! nodded and she got out of the car. ! got out and 6yle came to meet me# 7! brought up that ! was
hoo"ing you and .ydney up. ! didn$t "now he had the hot$s for her. 3e got pissed off# really pissed
off.8 6yle e,plained.
After waiting about five minutes .ydney came out of the truc" and approached me# ;Everything
is fine now#; she assured.
;ell# 6yle and ! are going to ta"e off.; ! told her.
.ydney wal"ed up close to me and gave me a hug.
;6iss goodbye0; ! said to her pointing to my lips.
.ydney shoo" her head and then 6yle spo"e up.
;)h come on# it$s obvious you want him4; 6yle said loudly.
.ydney-s e,pression changed to seriousness and she spo"e to 6yle# ;!t$s not going to happen#;
then she loo"ed to me# ;Jordan# you should "now better#; she said in a definite tone.
!t was %ust about final and we were all ready to go. After hearing .ydney$s conclusion# ! felt that
there was no point in staying and no point in seeing .ydney ever again.
;Ah fuc". ! forgot my cigarettes at your place# .ydney#8 6yle remembered# 7:an we come bac"
and get them0; 3e as"ed.
;.ure#; .ydney replied.
;/rive with me again0; ! as"ed.
.ydney answered with another sure and %umped in my car. 6yle loo"ed at me confused. .ydney
told 6yle that after tal"ing to Matt# he was now o"ay. 6yle surprisingly got bac" into the truc" with
Matt and they drove off. ! "new 6yle was a true friend after seeing all the sacrifices he made for my
own benefit. Matt drove down the highway and ! followed but .ydney as"ed me to ta"e a scenic
route that was longer# ! wondered if she was trying to buy more time with me. 2y the way .ydney
reacted to 6yle and ! a moment ago ! thought it was perfectly clear she was only interested in being
friends. e casually tal"ed on the way bac" to her apartment and she as"ed me what ! thought of
her.
7! don$t "now# you$re different from when ! "new you in 2.:. ! see a lot of the same traits and a
lot of new traits in you.8
7'i"e what08 .ydney as"ed.
7! might tell you one day.8
7*uc" that# you tell me right now.8
7.orry .ydney# but as far as !$m concerned ! may never see you again# so that$s that.8
7*uc"ing seriously0 2ut why0 !t better not be over a stupid "iss.8
7!$m %ust really busy# ! have a lot going for me. ! really only have time for wor" and not much
else#8 ! lied.
79ou$re a good friend of mine. ! care about you and !$ve been really e,cited that you$ve been
going places. Are you sure you can$t stay the night0 e still have so much to tal" about#8 she
pleaded.
Matt was par"ed in the resident par"ing stall. 6yle got out of the truc" and was waving his arms
sarcastically for help. ! par"ed in the visitor stall and .ydney slightly opened the car door before she
said her goodbye.
;9ou "now# it$s still not too late to give me that "iss goodbye#; ! told her.
;9ou should "now better#; she said in e,actly the same way as before and stepped out.
6yle %umped into my car a moment later. ! as"ed him if he was getting his smo"es& turned out he
had them all along. 3e was simply buying me more time for .ydney because he truly believed she
li"ed me.
;.o0; 6yle as"ed.
;!t didn$t go anywhere#; ! told him as ! shifted the car into reverse and left *ort .as"atchewan#
7.he$s only interested in being friends.8
79ou don$t "now that. Just give her some time to thin" about her night with you.8
! pulled onto 6yle$s anchorage# dropped him off# then drove myself home in disappointment.
Chapter &
A (ire %gnited
.ydney called me the day after and as"ed me to ma"e arrangements on my day off. ! was going
to see her on the wee"end and she told me ! could stay the night at her place. .he called our plans a
date. ! called .ydney the day of our plans to confirm some last minute details.
;3ello0;
;3ey .ydney# it$s Jordan. Are you bringing anyone with us tonight0;
;(o# why0;
;Just wondering if ! should bring 6yle or not. !f it$s %ust you and me ! don$t really want to bring
him...unless you want me to# of course.;
;(o# no. Just the two of us is great. e$re going to go to a party tonight# o"ay0;
;.ure# sounds great.8
72e here around si,.;
7!$ll be there at si,.8
After my shift# ! left to go see .ydney.
.ydney came down from her apartment and invited me inside. 3er sister was home this time and
wanted me to meet her. .ydney introduced her older sister named 2rittany& she was pretty cute. .he
had very dar"# medium length hair. .he appeared easy going and clearly had a slight motherly
figure over .ydney. 2rittany was nearly a splitting image of .ydney e,cept she was a version ten
years older.
2rittany told me where the party was# which was out on some anchorage north of *ort
.as"atchewan.;My boyfriend# /ale# is coming to get me so you and .ydney can follow us out
there#; she e,plained.
;.ounds good.; ! said. ! turned to .ydney and as"ed if she wanted to get some li<uor. .he
nodded and we left the apartment. ! bought a bottle of Jagermister# got a full tan" of gas# and by the
time we got bac" to the apartment# 2rittany$s ride arrived in an *ord *D>?. e headed north on the
highway for about twenty minutes until they pulled onto a dirt road.
! "ept my distance from the truc" because it was flic"ing roc"s at my newly installed
windshield. 2rittany$s boyfriend flew down the beaten path with no sense to slow down for .ydney
and !. !t wasn$t long till they disappeared out of sight. !t felt li"e forever that we were driving down
the never ending road. There were no turn offs$# no signs# %ust trees.
;! hate dirt roads#8 ! complained grumpily.
;9ou$re always so serious when you drive#; .ydney pointed out.
;! wasn$t that serious when we were driving the Matri, in (elson some time ago.;
.ydney thought about it for a second then replied# ;(o# you were pretty serious#8 she giggled.
e reminisced of my cra+y e,$s in high school and she brought up Adam. .he was surprised that
! "new Adam and that we were once friends. .he was beyond surprised when ! told her of the car
accident we$d been in together.
An hour passed and we eventually reached a paved highway# ;Than" god4 ! couldn$t stand those
roc"s coming up at my windshield# ! %ust got it replaced#; ! ranted. A guilty smile formed on
.ydney-s face. ;hat0; ! as"ed.
;/on$t get too e,cited# we have to hit another dirt road %ust up here#; .ydney informed me. !
caught up to 2rittany and /ale# sure enough# they signalled off the highway onto another dirt road. !
started cursing under my breath.
Twenty minutes later# we turned off onto a meadow to find a large house and several do+en cars
par"ed out by a mound of pallets# old busted up chairs# a couch# and a table. .ome guys in the
distance were getting the bonfire ready and began pouring gasoline over the heap of wood and
debris. ! par"ed the car by a long# white pic"et fence.
.ydney and ! grabbed the Jagermister on the way out of the car. e wal"ed over to the igniting
fire as it engulfed the gasoline soa"ed wood.
.ydney introduced me to several do+en people and more were showing up by the minute. A
wide# chubby# dar"-s"inned man ran over and hugged .ydney while lifting her off the ground.
7Me,ico48 .ydney shouted# 7! haven$t seen you in forever.8
79eah# ! came bac" for the .ummer#8 he replied.
7(o one can pronounce my name so everyone calls me Me,ico#8 Me,ico told me after .ydney
introduced us. Me,ico was one of the friendliest guys ! had ever met& he was li"e a giant teddy bear.
A girl that loo"ed a lot li"e 2ella from the Twilight .aga L6risten .tewartM came up behind
.ydney and tapped her on the shoulder. .ydney turned around and a concerned loo" flic"ered
across her face. 7Jordan# is it o"ay if ! leave you alone for a while. e really need to tal"#8 .ydney
as"ed me. ! nodded. .ydney and the mysterious girl wal"ed to the tree line.
7Ih oh# the other .ydney is here#8Me,ico stated# 7That girl is also .ydney& they have a big
history and a lot of drama went down between them before your .ydney moved to 2.:.8
(ightfall approached fast and ! was en%oying myself. Most of the men out there were rednec"s#
but li"eable rednec"s. Most of the girls had a country appeal and that wasn$t necessarily a bad thing
either.
.ydney and .ydney were still tal"ing. ! could tears coming from the 2ella-loo"ing .ydney& !
wondered what was going on between them.
! did my thing among the crowd. Everyone there was tal"ative# easy to relate to# and fairly drun".
! sat down beside one brunette on a log and made small tal" with her. ! noticed a noteboo" in her
arms and as"ed what it was for. .he opened it up showing me s"etches and drawing she$d done. .he
related to me# calling both of us artists# ;9ou were on .o 9ou Thin" 9ou :an /ance right08 she
as"ed.
;Ih# yeah#; ! chuc"led# ;how did you "now0
;)h# it$s %ust what a lot of people are saying#; she replied. ! loo"ed around and ! felt flattered. !
didn$t "now anyone but ! already had peer approval wor"ing for me. ! figured .ydney and her sister
had been tal"ing to people and telling them about me. ! was that interesting city-boy living the
dream to most of these people.
Twenty minutes later# .ydney spotted me and she came over to as" how ! was doing. ;1retty
good#; ! told her# ;! li"e the people here.; .ydney smiled and as"ed me to follow her. ! got up and
started wal"ing across the field with her. The massive fire no longer illuminated us and the laughter
from the crowd by the fire became faint in the distance. ! loo"ed up at the s"y to find it spar"ling
with stars& the sight was so serene. ! had never seen the stars with such clarity without all the light
pollution of the city.
.ydney and ! reached the white pic"et fence by my car and leaned on it. .ydney started naming
clusters of stars and pointing things out to me. ;! didn$t "now you were into astrology#; ! stated#
impressed.
;9up#; she replied and stood <uietly. .he was ga+ing up at the s"y# ta"ing in the beauty as ! was.
.ydney climbed over the fence and ! followed her over. ! unloc"ed my car and we %umped in#
ta"ing more shots of li<uor and getting notably into,icated.
.ydney pulled my i1od out of the glove compartment and began going through songs# ;! love 'il
ayne#; she told me as started playing a 'il ayne song on my i1od. Mrs )fficer Lfeat 2obby
BalentinoM began softly playing from my spea"ers.
;3e$s actually coming to Edmonton in two wee"s and !-m going#; ! told her.
.ydney began blushing#;)h my god# %ust the thought of seeing 'il ayne.;
;! could ta"e you#; ! told her.
;5eally0; she as"ed as she leaned her head bac" against the seat and loo"ed deeply into my eyes.
3er face was very close to mine but ! loo"ed away. ! glanced bac" over to .ydney and her head was
still leaning against the seat. !t almost seemed li"e she was inviting me "iss her but ! was confused
by her previous signals. )ur faces were only a few inches from each other and ! glanced at her lips.
!n the impulse of a decision# ! slightly leaned forward and "issed her. ! pulled bac" to see her
reaction and she only had a cute smile on her face. ! leaned bac" in and pressed my lips against hers
once again& she started "issing me more intimately and ! put my hand on the side of her face. 3er
hands came over my shoulders and ! began "issing her nec". .he started grabbing onto me more
tightly and started biting my nec". !t was almost as if she was waiting for it to happen and all her
se,ual tension had built up inside her.
;9ou$re intense4; .ydney e,claimed grabbing onto me tighter than before.
My curiosity intervened and ! pulled away for a moment. ;.ydney#; ! said.
;Jordan#; she replied smiling.
;! didn$t <uite understand something you said to me the other night. 9ou told me that ! should
"now better. Just how e,actly should ! "now better0; ! as"ed.
;Just...you should#; she replied softly. .ydney ran her right hand threw my hair while she began
"issing me again. .he stopped every couple minutes to loo" out the window to ma"e sure no one
saw us. .he didn$t want people "nowing that she was "issing me because people already suspected
we were more than friends when she denied it. ! subtly placed my hand under her shirt# feeling her
slender body. ! ran my hand bac" down to her waist line and ! popped the button on her %eans.
.ydney stopped "issing for a moment# ;(o# not in a car#; she demanded.
! paused momentarily. ;/o you want to get out here0; ! as"ed.
;(ot yet# !-m having fun#; she replied.
Sydney ' I
e got out of the car to en%oy the rest of the party. e returned to the fire where 2rittany and
/ale were tal"ing# passing a bottle of whis"ey between eachother. e greeted them and 2rittany
pulled .ydney away demanding that she meet someone. .ydney and 2rittany wal"ed off toward the
house in the distance and left me alone with /ale. 3e as"ed what ! had going on between the two
girls. ! e,plained that .ydney and ! had %ust started a fling and !$ve gotten to "now 2rittany as a
result of that.
79ou have too much confidence with women#8 he told me and started on his own philosophy
about women# ;9ounger girls li"e .ydney don$t want nothing but se, and easy hoo" ups. They don$t
want to settle down or have a relationship until they$re at least thirty. /on$t get attached to either of
them#; he advised.
;/on$t worry about it# !$ve handled .ydney before#; ! told /ale.
;.ee# way too much confidence with women#; he replied. /ale pulled a small bag of white
powder from his poc"et and offered me cocaine. ! turned it down and went to go find .ydney and
2rittany. ! loo"ed bac" and saw that /ale dipped his car "ey into the bag and sniffed it.
As ! approached the house# ! found .ydney sitting on the porch loo"ing upset. ! sat down beside
her and as"ed her what was wrong. ;!-m fine#; she "ept insisting. After some persistence# ! got her
to open up. ;Mitchell yelled at me# he told me fuc" off. 3e said# $.ydney# get the fuc" out of my
way. !$m busy right now.$ !$ve "nown him for years and he$s never tal"ed to me li"e that.;
! thought about it for a moment. ;There-s way too much drama in *ort#; ! told .ydney. .he
agreed and we went bac" to my car and ended up "issing more. After ten minutes of intimacy# we
left the car again and entered the house. e wal"ed in on 2rittany and /ale having a big fight# they
were yelling at each other until /ale stormed outside# got in his vehicle and was about to ta"e off.
.ydney ran out to go tal" to him. 2rittany loo"ed at me with a concerned loo"#. ;Jordan# can you
please go with her. /ale isn$t himself right now and ! don$t want .ydney getting dragged into this.8
! understood what the fight was about& witnessing /ale snort co"e and 2rittany saying he wasn$t
himself# it wasn$t hard to put two and two together. ! went outside and followed .ydney to /ale$s
truc"# ! stopped her before she reached him. ;.ydney4 /on$t get in the middle of this# this isn$t your
drama.; ! told her with authority.
;(o# Jordan. This is what ! do# ! wor" things out#; she told me in a tenseful voice. .he spun
around and headed for /ale$s truc" again.
;.ydney4; ! yelled. .he ignored me and ran up to /ale. /ale began raising his voice and !
wal"ed up behind .ydney standing aside# ready to protect her if ! needed to. /ale was shouting
about how 2rittany didn$t care about him# ! intervened and tried coming up with a solution. /ale
appeared to be ta"ing in what ! had to say.
;2ut Jordan# do you understand where !-m coming from# man0; he as"ed.
7! do# but this doesn$t necessarily mean it$s over. 9ou$re both caught up in the moment and not
thin"ing clearly. ! thin" you should go home# let 2rittany cool off# and tal" to her in the morning#; !
advised.
;(o#; /ale replied. ;There is no tal"ing to her after this# but you$re a good guy. !$d have your
bac" anytime.;
.ydney gave me the odd dirty loo"# she almost appeared %ealous that /ale was listening to me
over her when she had "nown him far longer. Eventually /ale had enough# %umped into his truc"
and went home.
;Jordan# can you ta"e 2rittany home too0 .he has no way home e,cept for us now.; .ydney
as"ed. ! was o"ay with it.
Afterword# .ydney introduced me to the man she considered her brother# Mitchell. .he
considered him her big brother because he had always been there for her when she was really
young# ! found Mitchell to be a cool guy# his personality was was easy going and friendly.
7:ool#8 he said after the introduction# 7if .ydney li"es you than you have my respect#8 while
placing his hand on my shoulder# 79ou want a beer0 ! got a tons in the bac" of my truc".8
7.ure#8 ! replied willing to do some male bonding. .ydney said she was going to go chec" on her
sister and ma"e sure she was o"ay after the incident with /ale. Mitch and ! wal"ed over to his truc"
nearby and he tossed me a 2udweiser.
7Than"s. 3ow come .ydney was upset about you earlier08 ! as"ed# 7!$m not %udging# %ust
curious.8
7)h#8 3e laughed# 7! was trying to get with this girl !$ve been after for months. ! was this close to
getting her to "iss me48 he gestured with his fingers# 7but .ydney comes %umping in right between
us and bombards me with <uestions. ! was so frustrated.8
ith Mitchell# ! learned that .ydney and /ale had a romantic history before she had gone to
2ritish :olumbia. /ale was twenty# and .ydney only fifteen-years-old when they became involved.
G ! was disgusted by the thought.
After hanging out with Mitch# ! felt li"e ! was starting to get tired and wanted to leave. ! loo"ed
for .ydney but she was nowhere to be found. ! chec"ed the bonfire that had become isolated# !
chec"ed inside the house and she wasn$t there. ! wondered around approaching groups of people to
see if .ydney was there but had no luc". ! spent more than an hour searching for her.
! decided to leave without her or 2rittany. ! started my car hoping that .ydney was somewhere in
the distance and that she would see that my headlights were on. ! started to get pissed and began
blaring music in my car. ! put the car into drive but shifted it bac" into par"# ! had %ust reali+ed that !
didn$t "now the way bac". ! had a vague idea but since we too" many bac" roads to get there# !
didn$t feel confident that ! could find my way bac" without getting lost.
! got out of the car again to loo" for .ydney and 2rittany. ! went inside the house again# many
people had passed out on the couches and floor of the living room. ! searched all areas of the house
and was %ust about to leave when a weathered-loo"ing man as"ed if me if ! was Jordan. 3is face
was full of scars and wrin"les# yet he was young.
7/epends#8 ! replied to his <uestion.
7!t$s totally you# ! can tell. .ydney told me you were on .o 9ou Thin" 9ou :an /ance. :an you
show us some moves08 he as"ed out loud. A group of people within the living room drew their
attention toward me.
7! guess you got me# yeah# it$s me# !$d love to show you some moves but ! need to find .ydney.8
A girl sitting on the couch spo"e up# 7.ydney is upstairs# but you shouldn$t go up there# she$s
"ind of having se,.8
7hat08 ! scoffed# 7here is she08 My heart dropped# it didn$t seem unli"ely that .ydney would
be all over me and then would be fuc"ing someone else an hour later& it would e,plain why she
disappeared.
7!$ll show you which room but !$m not going in there#8 the girl offered as she got up from the
couch and led me upstairs. The girl pointed to the first door on the right of the hallway. ! opened the
door up and saw two half na"ed people mauling each other. ! reali+ed it was the other 2ella-loo"ing
.ydney ! saw earlier. ! e,haled with some relief and shut the door before going bac" downstairs.
Everyone was loo"ing at me when ! came bac" down the stairs# 7rong .ydney48 ! laughed.
7/oes anyone "now where the other one is08
7)h# you mean .ydney 2landin. ! have no idea#8 the same girl replied innocently.
The man that as"ed me to dance approached again# 73ey# ! saw .ydney earlier by the bonfire if
that helps.8
7.he$s not there anymore# ! chec"ed more than once.8
7)h well# !$m 3arley by the way. 3arley /avid 2oom# li"e the motorcycle. ant to see08 he
as"ed while pulling out his drivers license. .ure enough his name was 3arley /avid. 7! li"e you#8
he said# 7you seem li"e the "ind of guy you can trust and fights for what he believes in.8 ! swore
3arley was on something but ! humoured him. 7! can help you find a spot to crash# you loo" tired#8
he told me.
7(o#8 ! replied# 7! thin" !$m %ust going to get out of here. ! was suppose to give .ydney a ride
bac" to *ort .as"atchewan but !$ve been loo"ing for her for more than an hour.8
7)h man# how much have you had to drin" tonight0 9ou$re drun"# ! can tell. /on$t do it# Jordan.
Trust me# it$s a wee"end and the cops probably have road bloc"s set up all over the place. Just stay
the night# go home when you$re sober# you$ll than" yourself for it# ! swear. 7
! loo"ed at him oddly# 7! appreciate the concern but ! really should get out of here.8
73ey loo"# ! "now you probably thin" !$m some weird guy you don$t even "now# but ! have a
feeling that you$re a cool guy and we$re going to be friends in the near future. .ydney says good
things about you so you$re probably going to be one of us before you "now it. e %ust met and ! feel
li"e ! should "now you# we$re going to see eachother again sooner than you thin".8
! continued to humor 3arley and eventually left the house# it was nearing C:?? am# and ! decided
to %ust sleep in my car and hopefully .ydney or 2rittany would turn up in the morning. ! closed my
eyes started to drift asleep until ! started to hear a great deal of commotion happening from outside
the car# ! got out to ta"e a loo". .ydney was standing by a big crowd of people that were screaming
and shouting. ! could hear grunts of pain and screams coming from behind the crowd# ! wal"ed over
to find Mitchell and a large bald man ta"ing swings at each other. Mitchell-s shirt was ripped up and
hanging off his body# his bac" was covered in gashes and blood. Mitchell was swinging his fists at
his opponent furiously. Mitchell$s enemy "noc"ed a good swing to Mitchell$s face and he fell bac".
Mitchell shot bac" up fast and grabbed his opponent as they ran into the white pic"et fence
smashing right through leaving a large hole. They were beating the hell out of eachother on the
ground in a pile of debris and bro"en wood. The grunts of pain and e,ertion ended# Mitchell lost.
Mitchell was laying against the fence in a bloody mess.
.ydney and ! wal"ed over to assess the damage. Mitchell had a small piece of wood stic"ing into
part of his eyelid and another in his eyebrow. 2lood was running down from his pure bloodshot eye
and it didn$t loo" good. 3e laid on the ground breathing heavily. .ydney tried to tal" to him but he
could barely get a word out.
.ydney loo"ed to me and said# ;*uc" it# this is too much for me# ! need to get out of here now4
Jordan# please %ust ta"e me home#; she demanded eagerly.
;Alright# let-s go#; ! agreed. .ydney and ! didn$t say a word to each other all the way to the car. !
started the engine and drove out onto the gravel road.
;! don$t "now how to get bac" to *ort from here#; ! told .ydney.
;(either do !#; she replied.
;e$ll figure it out#8 ! assured her. e made it bac" to the paved highway but ! couldn$t find the
bac" road we too" earlier so ! continued down the highway.
.ydney put on the song Mrs )fficer Lfeat 2obby BalentinoM by 'il ayne again. ;! li"e this
song#; ! told her# ;you got me hoo"ed on it after the moment we had earlier. Got some good
memories attached to it now.;
.ydney giggled. After an hour of driving we eventually found our way bac" to *ort
.as"atchewan.
hen we wal"ed to the lobby# .ydney reali+ed that her sister had the "ey to the apartment.
;*uc"# we$re loc"ed out4; .ydney said angrily. .ydney ended up calling the landlord from the
bu++er and he came out to let us into the apartment. /aylight was visible in the distance by the time
we got inside# .ydney closed her curtains and went into the bathroom to change into her py%amas. !
lit up a smo"e while waiting for her until ! heard a shout come from the bathroom# ;J)5/A(4;
;hat0; ! as"ed# bewildered.
.ydney-s voice returned# ;hy is my button undone0; she shouted in shoc".
.he must not have remembered me doing that# ! burst out laughing but tried to "eep it down so
that .ydney couldn$t hear me. ! started to get really tired and laid my head upon .ydney-s pillow
and closed my eyes.
.ydney came bac" out with her py%amas on and sat down on the couch beside me. ;a"e up4;
she said sha"ing me. ! opened my eyes and she leaned over and "issed me. ! pulled her body closer
to me and she climbed on top of me. 3er hands were all over my body and mine were all over hers.
.he slid her hands underneath my shirt# rolled off me into the corner of the couch and made me go
on top of her. ! pulled her shirt up and slid my hand under her bra. .he had very warm# per"y
breasts. ! moved my mouth down to her chest and began "issing her breasts. .ydney let off a subtle
moan and wrapped her legs around me. .he pressed her hands up against my chest and brushed one
down my body to my pants. .he pulled on my %eans and then slid her hand down grabbing my coc"#
then she pulled her hand away. ;! can$t do this# ! would love to# ! really# really would# but ! can$t#;
.ydney complained. 2ut she remained running her hands across my body and pulling me closer to
her. .he continued to "iss me and continued to let off subtle moans as ! pushed up against her. .he
wouldn$t let me go down her pants so ! placed my hand between her legs and began rubbing her
through her py%amas. .he began moaning even louder and could feel how wet she was through her
clothing.
;! can$t imagine how bad you want this right now. !t$s probably been a while since you had se,#;
! whispered into her ear.
;Irgh# Jordan. 9ou$re teasing me so bad right now. .top ma"ing me want it# you$re way too
tempting#; .ydney whispered bac".
;Good#; ! replied.
e continued having dry se, for at least thirty fuc"ing minutes but she wouldn$t give in. !
eventually gave up and went to go sleep on another couch. ! was disappointed# ! want to fuc" her
and ! "now she wanted it too but for some reason she wouldn$t let herself. !t was anti-slut defense
and if ! had "ept escalating she may have given in. .ydney followed me to the couch and laid down
on top of me. .he fell asleep in my arms# ! "issed her once more while she was fast asleep and !
drifted into a somber.
Chapter 1(
,om$romised
! wo"e up with .ydney in my arms# her arms were pinned around my chest and ! was e,tremely
uncomfortable. ! tried to move a little but couldn$t budge without moving .ydney around too much.
! carefully reached over her and pic"ed up her wrist trying to move it closer to her body. Then !
reached for her other arm but .ydney started moving half asleep. ! too" the moment to s<uee+e out
from underneath her. .ydney$s arms clutched a nearby blan"et and she remained in her somber.
! sat down on another couch opposite of the room and stared at her for a couple minutes in deep
thought. ! "new ! had to be careful with her# she "new how to play and manipulate people. ! needed
to tread carefully.
My instincts and gut feeling told me that bad times were coming& that feeling was connected to
.ydney. ! suspected that she may try to play me or try to get something from me. ! %ust didn$t "now
what# if anything at all. .he hadn$t shown any signs of it& it appeared she had a genuine interest in
me. *eelings were developing for her and that made me vulnerable for the first time since ! had
become an Albertan.
.omething inside myself told me not to trust .ydney without collateral. !t was cold but ! felt it
was reasonable. 1erhaps ! was over-anayli+ing the situation because before last night ! only wanted
to sleep with her# but now ! wanted a relationship with her.
The decision between (icole and .ydney was li"e a flesh wound that never fully healed. A once
closed door had now opened up to me once again& ! let my curiosity and slight attachment for
feelings of the past get the better of me.
.ydney wo"e up and ! brought her a glass of water# ;3ere# you don$t want a hangover to "ic" in#;
! told her.
.he too" the glass of water# ;)h god# ! really hope ! don$t have a hangover.; .ydney felt fine at
the moment and started acting a little more lively after she$d wo"en up from her da+e.
! needed to "now if .ydney-s actions last night were purely hers or the alcohol influencing her. !
"issed her once again# she "issed me bac"& they were hers.
Things se,ually escalated again and she went as she did the previous night# she still wouldn$t let
me get past her pants. That was when ! noticed the first sign of a trap# if my intuition happened to
be right# then she was feeding the fire %ust enough to "eep it from burning out. !t was the cat string
theory at wor"# dangle a string in front of a cat and it will pursue it# but if you give it the string# it
may paw it a couple times and lose interest.
2rittany came through the door and found us together on the couch# ;hat the hell you guys#
you left without me4; 2rittany stammered.
;e loo"ed for you but couldn$t find you. ! told you we were leaving soon li"e three times#
2rittany4; .ydney e,claimed.
! didn$t believe anything interesting was going to happen for a while so ! decided to leave. ! made
arrangements with .ydney for the ne,t wee"end to pic" her up and ta"e her to an amusement par"
at est Edmonton Mall. !t was a date.
###
! drove bac" to *ort .as"atchewan# te,ted .ydney# and told her that ! was there. .ydney came
down while she was on the phone# after getting off she told me that it was Mitchell and he was
stopping by. .ydney as"ed me if we could wait fifteen minutes before leaving because she needed
to slap Mitchell across the face for getting in yet another fight that morning.
;3e$s cra+y#; ! laughed# 7! thought he would$ve been out of commission for a long time after that
fight at the acreage.
.ydney loo"ed at me unhappily# not "nowing what to thin" about it.
Mitchell arrived. .ydney shouted at him as she raised her hand and smac"ed him across the face.
! wal"ed over and Mitchell gave me a welcoming smile. At least he remembered me ! thought to
myself. ;3ow you feeling# man0; ! laughed.
;Great4; he replied. Mitchell had a blac" eye the si+e of an apple# his face was covered in cuts#
and he was acting li"e life was never better. 3e was relentless.
Mitch went to see 2rittany while .ydney and ! departed. ! drove bac" to Edmonton and arrived
at est Edmonton Mall. ! par"ed outside the :asino Entrance ne,t to a staircase with yellow
railings.
.ydney and ! went inside the mall to amusement par"# chec"ing out the roller coaster. .ydney
was frea"ing out as she ga+ed upon the towering loops and drops. ;! thought you were a tough girl#;
! teased as she playfully tried snea"ing away. e didn$t spend a lot of time there and began trying to
figure out something fun to do. e went to chec" out cinema listings# glow in the dar" mini golf#
and how much 'il ayne tic"ets were. .ydney seemed to be very pic"y that day and didn$t want to
agree on much.
! went to my favorite clothing store and saw a stylish blac"# long sleeve# button up shirt. ! tried it
on# ;3ow does it loo"0 Good0; ! as"ed .ydney hoping for an honest opinion.
;!t loo"s good#; she confirmed.
;)"ay# !-m buying it#; ! told her as ! began wal"ing towards the purchase counter.
;9ou spend your money too much#; .ydney observed.
;! ma"e too much money#; ! replied in a coc"y manner.
!t was hot in the mall and ! wanted to leave my hoody and new purchase in the car.
73old on48 .ydney stopped me eagerly# 7! want to chec" out this store.8 .ydney stepped into a
women$s clothing store but didn$t seem to be interested in anything inside. .he paced around the
store aggressively te,ting on her phone for ten minutes.
7e$ll come bac"# .ydney. ! don$t want to "eep carrying this stuff around.8
7)"ay# ! %ust need to go to the washroom first#8 she replied. .ydney too" forever in the
washroom and ! started to get irritated. .he was acting very indifferent and was paying more
attention to her phone than me.
7)"ay# !$m done now#8 .ydney said as she came out of the washroom. )n the way to the car she
said the most bi+arre thing to me# ;ouldn$t it be funny if you$re car got stolen and ! got to see you
frea" out#; .ydney implied %o"ingly.
! didn$t answer her. ! wondered why she would ma"e a %o"e li"e that# it was out of place.
e wal"ed outside into the par"ing lot and when ! arrived at my row# ! couldn$t see my car.
;)"ay# where did it go0; ! as"ed .ydney. .ydney didn$t reply because she was reali+ing the irony of
her %o"e# if it was irony at all. .ydney and ! wal"ed across the row of vehicles twice. ;)"ay# ! "now
! was par"ed right there4; ! said pointing to the par"ing stall beside the yellow railed staircase. /o
you remember me par"ing there too0; ! as"ed .ydney raising my voice.
79es ! do4; .ydney said in a worried tone.
;*or a fact0; ! as"ed.
;9eah# you were par"ed right there#; .ydney replied.
;*uc"4; ! shouted. ! tried to "eep my cool and act as if the car thing wasn$t getting to me too
much. .ydney and ! both sat down on the staircase. ! pulled out my phone# ;!$m reporting it#; ! told
her.
;Irgh# ! really don$t want to have to deal with cops today#; .ydney complained# ;/on$t worry
about it# it wasn$t a very good car anyway.8
! glared at her for a moment. My car had %ust been stolen and she didn$t want me to report it# she
was definitely fuc"ing suspicious. ! dialed EDD into my phone and spo"e to an officer# ;3i# ! believe
my vehicle was %ust stolen.; The officer collected my information and listed my vehicle as stolen in
their database and that was that. That was normally how it wor"ed with stolen vehicles.
;*uc"4; ! shouted again# ;! %ust bought that car and san" OJ??? into it fi,ing it up48
.ydney tried to cheer me up a little# ;3ey Jordan# !$ll go on the roller coaster if you want.;
! shoo" my head# 7*uc" that# the day$s over.8
;3m# you can fight me4; .ydney e,claimed.
;(o# ! can$t fuc"ing believe this.; ! started laughing cynically.
;hy won$t you fight me0; .ydney as"ed in a cute voice.
72ecause ! really li"e you# ! care about you.8
! put my hand against her face and "issed her. .he barely "issed me bac" and pulled away. ! tried
again five minutes later but .ydney appeared to be completely disinterested in me.
;.o# how did you manage to ma"e a %o"e about my car being stolen only moments before it
was0; ! as"ed .ydney# my suspicion increasing when she would no longer "iss me.
;! don$t "now#; .ydney replied# ;! %ust had a feeling. )h fuc"# ! don$t have a way bac" to *ort
now4;
.he called /ale and he agreed to pic" her up# he was going to be there in five minutes. Another
tic" went off in my head# he lived in *ort .as"atchewan but %ust happened to be five minutes away
after my car had been stolen.
;:an ! crash at your place for the night0; ! as"ed .ydney. 7! could really use someone to hang
out with tonight.8 ! intended to go bac" to *ort .as"atchewan with .ydney to investigate. ! thought
!$d get her drun" and see if she let something about my car slip.
.ydney said it wasn$t a good idea but ! insisted. .he thought about it for a minute and nodded#
7)"ay# you can stay the night. 9ou have to sleep on your own couch though.;
! was conflicted# ! was more than suspicious that .ydney had something to do with my car
disappearing and it seemed she had lost interest for me in almost an instant. ! %ust developed
moderately prominent feelings for her and the pull away was unnerving.
!n spite# ! began acting as if ! was disinterested in .ydney as well. ! needed her to feel the pull
away and then want to fight for my attention. ! "new ! had the conviction to swap sides of the
playing field with her# and then ! was going to ta"e her down for my car and everyone who helped
her.
/ale arrived in a rusty# white van. 3arley /avid 2oom was there with a handful of people who
were not yet "nown to me. ! put my seat belt on and /ale pulled his van off the mall lot and onto
the road. 3arley loo"ed bac" at me from the front passenger seat# ;9ou$re having a bad day# aren-t
you buddy0;
;.omewhat#8 ! mumbled. /ale rolled a %oint while driving# too" a puff and then handed it to me.
;3ere#; /ale said# ;you loo" li"e you need this right now.; ! wasn$t a drug user but ! too" the %oint
and inhaled in hope that it would calm my nerves. !t didn$t.
The evidence was piling up by the second. .ydney never mentioned that my car was stolen when
she spo"e on the phone with them. ! was standing by her for the whole conversation. !t was
completely implausible for them to "now ! was having any "ind of bad day unless .ydney told them
before the discovery. ! had to remain incognito# and rip this scheme apart from the inside.
e drove for about forty minutes reaching the outer city limits of *ort .as"atchewan. e
suddenly heard a rumbling coming from the bac" of the van. /ale loo"ed out the rear view mirror
and yelled# ;)h shit4; as he pulled onto the side of the road. Everyone piled out of the car to loo" at
the flat tire.
e sat on the side of the highway for half an hour. .ydney didn$t so much as loo" at me for that
thirty minute period and ! decided not to attempt tal"ing to her until she had done so first. 2oth of
us had started a childish two-way silent treatment. ! closed my eyes and paid attention to only the
soothing winds blowing around me. 2e patient# wait this out# observe everything# and answers will
come# ! thought to myself. /ale finally made the %udgement call to ma"e a long wal" bac" to his
place to get a %ac" and spare tire. e wal"ed for over two hours until we reached /ale$s weathered
house.
hen we had arrived# .ydney called 2rittany as"ing is she "new anyone that could pic" her up.
7Mitch is still here# he can come get you.8 ! could hear 2rittany say on the other end.
7That would be great#8 .ydney replied# 7And ! guess Jordan is coming too.8
7That$s fine#8 2rittany said.
/ale spread some cocaine down on his disgusting coffee table and snorted a line off it. .ydney
as"ed to go use /ale$s washroom and wal"ed out of the room.
79ou "now you$re getting my sloppy seconds# right08 /ale told me after she left.
7! heard#8 ! said coldly.
7That girl is fuc"ing touchy. .he could never "eep her hands to herself#8 he snic"ered.
! started to feel sic" thin"ing about her and /ale together. 7! didn$t "now her standards used to be
so low# they definitely improved with me#8 ! said in a bitter stab at him.
/ale$s face turned red with anger and then he spontaneously %umped over the table at me. 3e
grabbed the collar of my shirt and then got pulled away by 3arley. 73e didn$t mean it man# he didn$t
mean it# %ust calm down#8 3arley reasoned.
7Get him the fuc" out of my house48 /ale shouted violently.
! wal"ed out his house surprised and threatened by the violent outburst he had toward me. ! sat
down on the sidewal" curb and waited for .ydney to hopefully come out for me.
.ydney came out of the house and stood behind me with arms crossed# 7hat the hell did you
do08 she as"ed accusingly.
7Just struc" a nerve#8 ! replied.
.ydney sat down beside me and let out a big sigh# 7!t$s been a fuc"ed up day.8
7!t has#8 ! agreed cynically.
/ale and 3arley left the house and wal"ed down the street carrying a %ac" and spare tire.
.ydney and ! aw"wardly sat beside eachother for what seemed li"e an eternity. Mitchell showed
up in his truc" and too" us bac" to the apartment. hen we had arrived# 2rittany was standing in
the "itchen holding her phone with a devastated loo" on her face. ;Im#8 she hesitated# 7when
3arley and /ale went to go switch the tire...apparently the %ac" failed and the van fell on 3arley$s
head. /ale says it$s really bad and their$s an ambulance coming to get him.8
;)h no# you$ve got to be fuc"ing "idding me#; ! reacted.
;ow# today is bad luc" day.; .ydney said in a calm tone. !t appeared that she barely cared at all.
! noticed a certain mindset in the people of *ort .as"atchewan& so much happened there that it was
all routine for everyone& they didn$t show empathy as most people did. hen something happened#
they ac"nowledged it and continued on as they were.
! "new .ydney was putting up some sort of guise# using me to achieve some ob%ective that !
couldn$t figure out. .he had what she wanted and <uite honestly# ! was baffled that ! made it this far
into enemy lines. 1erhaps they were using the ploy of friendship to mas" themselves as suspects.
(o matter what the answer was# ! was declaring psychological warfare on .ydney.
Chapter 11
Underta.ing
Mitch and 2rittany had left the apartment on a date# it seemed they were developing affection for
each other. .ydney still seemed distant# she sat down on the balcony and started playing music on
her i1od while watching the sun set over the hori+on.
;hat are you thin"ing about0; ! as"ed .ydney in a friendly tone.
;(othing#; she replied coldly.
7e$re not going to let $bad luc" day$ ruin our evening are we0;
;! don$t "now#; she replied in the same cold voice.
;! thin" .ydney needs some li<uor# then she$ll be having fun and she$ll be bac" to her cheery
self#; ! said in a playful voice.
;e$re going to get li<uor0; .ydney as"ed as some life returned to her.
e left the apartment and headed for the li<our store. .ydney had started acting warm toward me
again but halfway during the wal"# something triggered her bac" to the cold and detached mood.
.he remained <uiet for a short duration and then finally let me "now what was on her mind.
;9ou "now# you shouldn$t care about me so much#; .ydney warned.
;hy$s that0; ! as"ed curiously.
;!f you "new what ! was up to# you wouldn$t be doing this for me right now.;
;!-m well aware of what you$re up to# .ydney. ! figured it out <uite a while ago.;
;! doubt that#; .ydney countered# ;My set up is still wor"ing on you.;
;Trust me# it$s not.;
;Then why are you still doing this for me#; .ydney as"ed challengingly# ;9ou "now# if /ylan
ever came to visit me# ! would choose him over you in a second.;
;/ylan is not here. /ylan is irrelevant.;
/ylan was her e, that she left behind in (elson.
;9ou can$t win me anymore# Jordan. ! already got what ! wanted out of you.;
;And what would that be0;
;!-m not telling you. 9ou$ll never guess it either# it is so insignificant it wouldn$t even cross your
mind.; .ydney told me.
This was perhaps the only thing .ydney ever said to me that got under my nerves. .he may have
gotten what she wanted out of me but she still wanted more# she still needed something from me
otherwise we wouldn$t still be in each other$s presence. Everything she said confirmed all my
beliefs& she was in fact trying to game me. ! "new to be careful of her and it paid off& ! had already
done everything ! needed as a precaution. ! caught myself when ! reali+ed ! was developing feelings
for her and made myself ready to brea" everything off with no emotional impact.
;! "now what it is. 'i"e ! said# ! figured you out before ! even came to first see you.;
;Then what is it# Jordan0 hat did ! get from you0;
7!t can be only one of two things: one would really piss me off# and the other# you$re right# it$s
insignificant.;
.ydney as"ed me again what it was. ! ignored her. !f ! was wrong# it would satisfy her. Even
though ! had a pretty good idea of what it was# it was better to let her wonder.
e reached the li<uor store and ! bought a bottle of Jac" /aniels. .ydney once told me she loved
Jac" /aniels and dran" it every wee"end for a whole summer. ! teased her with her favorite li<uor
concealed in the brown paper bag# not telling her what it was. ! eventually let her have the bag after
irritating her for several minutes. A shoc" of %oy swiftly overtoo" .ydney-s e,pression as she saw
what ! bought. hen we got bac" to .ydney-s apartment# she pulled out a dec" of cards.
7e should play a drin"ing game#8 she said e,citedly.
7'et$s play .ociables#8 ! recommended.
.ydney agreed to .ociables and ! wrote down the rules on a piece of paper. .ydney grabbed two
shot glasses from the cupboard and laid them down. ! instructed .ydney to spread the cards across
the table and then e,plained the rules to her.
.ydney and ! had begun the game# ! drew first and loo"ed at my card. 7Three# drin" one and give
two# that-s two to you# .ydney.8
7Irgh#8 .ydney grunted as she poured herself two shots of Jac" /aniels# then drew. 71iss card4
9ay48
! reached into the pile and pulled out a drin" one. 7*uc"# !-m going to be smashed before you8 !
laughed.
After many shots# .ydney had begun to show her warmer side for me again. 79ou-re really fun#8
she complimented and drew a seven# 7 .even# everybody drin"s.8
7:heers#8 ! smiled as we tinged our shot glasses together. ! drew ne,t and pulled a 5ule :ard.
7)h# this is going to be good#8 ! said# shooting .ydney an evil glare# 7the rule is you have to say
7/ot com#8 after everything you say. /ot com.8
7That-s a horrible rule4 /ot com48 .ydney complained.
7! "now. /ot com#8 ! laughed#79our turn. /ot com.
.ydney drew a 5ule :ard as well and a loo" of evil anticipation formed on her face.
7)h# this is going to be good48 .ydney taunted# 7)"ay# the new rule is instead of you having to
say dot com# Jordan# you have to say $9ou se,y bitch.$ after every sentence.8 .ydney demanded with
authority.
7)h# so that-s how you want to play# you se,y bitch08 ! said to .ydney laughing.
.ydney soa"ed in my last three words proudly. My phone started ringing# fuc" ! thought to
myself# hope it-s not someone important. 73ello# you se,y bitch48 ! said as ! answered the phone.
7Ihhhh# o"ay08 2rittany replied# 7!-m coming bac" to the apartment. 9ou or .ydney have to let
me in# o"ay08
7.ure# ! can let you in# you se,y bitch#8 ! told her.
7This is fuc"ing hilarious48 .ydney burst# crac"ing up uncontrollably.
7!-m going to have to e,plain this to your sister# you se,y bitch48 ! told .ydney as ! ended the
call.
e played a couple more cards# they were drin" cards.
79uc"#8 .ydney blurted out with a loo" of disgust after ta"ing her last shot of Jac" /aniels. 7!
need chase if !-m going to drin" anymore.8
7e can go get chase# you se,y bitch#8 ! told .ydney# 7but no more se,y bitch if ! buy.8
7/eal48 .ydney replied eagerly.
e left the apartment and let 2rittany in on our way out. ! started acting li"e ! had higher value
than her by being both coc"y and s"eptical about everything she tal"ed about. e wal"ed half way
to the @DD and .ydney began trying to impress me.
7! "now a bit about cars too you "now#8 she tried persuading# 7loo"# !-ll go over to that %eep and
steal shit out of it.8
7hat if it has an alarm08 ! <ui++ed her.
7Then !$ll do this48 she e,claimed. .ydney wal"ed over to the bac" of the %eep and "ic"ed the
tire. 7.ee# no alarm.8 .ydney then wal"ed from the bac" of the %eep to the driver door. .he grabbed
the door handle and pulled# 7!t-s loc"ed...8 .ydney said seemingly confused.
79ou-re so drun"48 ! burst out laughing.
! "ept teasing .ydney until we made it a couple bloc"s from @DD. .ydney grabbed my arm and
stopped me in the middle of the road. .he loo"ed me in the eyes for a moment and without a word
she leaned in to "iss me. .he slightly brushed her lips against mine li"e she was waiting for me to
"iss her bac". ! stood absolutely motionless.
7e should get that chase#8 ! told her and began wal"ing away from her.
.ydney followed with a perple,ed loo" on her face. ! wasn-t going to let her get what she wanted
so easily. .ydney showed disinterest in me and now ! had her favored disposition bac"# ! had all the
power. !f she wanted my attention and praise bac"# she had to wor" for it. ! entered the convience
store and .ydney waited for me outside. ! wal"ed out and handed her a J litre bottle of 1epsi to
carry on the way bac". ! wal"ed about a bloc" as .ydney followed# she tried handing me the 1epsi#
but ! refused to ta"e it and .ydney got somewhat frustrated. ! eventually too" the 1epsi from her
hand and placed it in the middle of the sidewal". .ydney laid down on the grass of someone-s lawn
in front of the 1epsi.
7! don-t feel that good#8 .ydney told me.
! "nelt down by .ydney and encouraged her to get up. ! en%oyed .ydney during her into,icated
state& it made her impulsive# ma"ing it easy for me to read and predict her. Alcohol was the only
thing that made .ydney show emotional vulnerability. ! doubted that .ydney felt ill# and was certain
it was an act in spite of my non-compliance to bring forth my attentiveness. The pure need she
radiated was thic" in her voice. Infortunately for her# ! didn-t feel that it was time to reward her
with anything.
! helped .ydney up and began wal"ing with her leaving the 1epsi behind on the sidewal".
7Aren-t you going to get that08 .ydney as"ed upset.
79ou can get it. !$m more than capable of drin"ing Jac" /aniels with chase#8 ! e,plained.
.ydney was showing every sign of struggle# she was getting mad and even more frustrated than
before. .he wal"ed bac"# grabbed the 1epsi and hot headedly wal"ed alongside me.
! started to feel a little bad and .ydney wouldn$t so much as loo" at me for several bloc"s. !
stopped .ydney# 7!-ll carry it#8 ! offered as ! e,tended my hand. .he merely stared into my eyes and
! saw an opportunity to punish her for one final and definite time before ! gave in. ! moved my face
close to hers as if ! was about to "iss her. .he placed the bottle in my hand and then closed her eyes
waiting for me to close the space between our lips.
! too" the bottle from her hand# turned around# and continued wal"ing. .ydney tensely %umped in
front of me. .he grabbed my hand and held it in hers.
7.ee# now you-re playing hard to get which ma"es you all that much more desirable#8 she said
softly. .he leaned in to "iss me once more. .he pressed her lips against mine for a moment and !
still remained motionless.
79ou won-t even "iss me#8 .ydney e,asperated# sha"ing her head. .he turned around and began
wal"ing away from me <uic"ly as if she were trying to hide tears.
7.ydney48 ! shouted. ! caught up to her# grabbed her by the waist# ran my hand through her hair
and "issed her more strongly and passionately than ! ever had. .he "issed bac" with urgeful
intensity.
After a moment she pulled away# 7! can-t# /ylan means too much to me#8 she said and than
stormed off in anger. ! followed# letting her contemplate her emotions. At first ! didn$t believe that
she was for real. !t didn$t register with me that after she tried so hard to get me and after finally
letting her have me# she pulled the $! love someone else.$ card.
Every instinct and play that involved not giving her what she wanted was the correct one. !
should$ve destroyed her when ! had the upper hand. :ompassion and empathy were nothing but
wea"nesses when it came to .ydney# and she would never see those traits from me again.
Just before we entered the apartment building# ! stopped her one last time.7hen has /ylan ever
showed a significant signing of loving you08 ! as"ed with a hint of anger in my voice.
7All the time48 .ydney replied.
.ydney was unaware# but my friends in 2.: informed me that /ylan had been going to parties#
getting drun"# and then flirting with every girl he could and screwing a few while .ydney was here
flirting with me. They were oblivious to each other.
7.ydney# soon you-re going to get over him and he-s going to get over you...and then you-re
going to reali+e that you lost the best decision for you.8
! saw no point in telling her about her e,-lover# /ylan. .he wouldn$t have believed me anyway#
and it would$ve only seemed li"e ! was fighting to win her over. .ydney didn$t deserve to feel li"e
she was worth fighting for& and ! certainly wasn$t going to.
.ydney remained silent as she summoned the elevator. hen we entered the apartment# she
passed out on the couch within moments.
! found 2rittany and Mitchell tal"ing on the balcony ! as"ed if they wanted to play the
unfinished game of sociables. e were having a great time and before long# ! reali+ed ! had too
much to drin". My head was spinning and ! was more into,icated then ! wished to be. 2rittany and
Mitchell went to the bedroom to close the deal on their date. .ydney wo"e up after they left and she
was acting li"e she completely disowned me. .he blamed me for her misplaced feelings and said !
was pulling her away from /ylan. .he wouldn-t tal" to me after she told me why she was acting so
redundant. !t got under my s"in and ! eventually got up after too much anger accumulated inside
me.
*uc" .ydney and her mind games& ! was sic" of her. ! didn-t want to see or be near her anymore.
! got up and began heading for the door.
7!-m leaving48 ! said angrily.
7hat0 hy are you leaving08 .ydney as"ed surprised.
7/oesn-t matter.8
7here are you going to go0 9ou don$t have a car to get bac" home.8
7! have you to than" for that.8
7hat do you mean0 Jordan# come here48
! ignored her and put my shoes on.
7Jordan4 :ome here48 .ydney repeated.
7Goodbye#8 ! replied stubbornly as ! opened up the door.
7*ine# *uc" you then. Go48 .ydney shouted at me.
! slammed the door and wal"ed down the hall to the elevator. ! wal"ed out onto the main floor
and out of the apartment. ! called 6yle at =:?? am and as"ed if he could pic" me up after giving him
a brief summary of the day.
73ey# you weren-t sleeping were you08 ! as"ed
7(o# !-ve been up all night wor"ing on the engine for my *irebird.
7'oo"# my car was stolen# .ydney-s acting li"e a bitch and !-m stuc" in *ort without a place to
go at the moment. :an you come up here08 ! as"ed
7.ure# !-ll come up there but my engine is "ind of outside the vehicle. !-ll estimate about three
hours until it-s running. :an you hold out till then08 6yle as"ed.
7! guess ! don-t really have a choice#8 ! told him.
After tal"ing on the phone with 6yle# ! sat down on a bench inside the apartment lobby# the only
thing ! could do was wait. ! contemplated the complications between .ydney and !. As far as ! was
concerned# ! was done with her# and done with *ort .as"atchewan. ! left behind everything ! "new
in 2.: and ! remembered why& it was people li"e .ydney that ! wanted to get away from. ! heard
the ding of the elevator doors opening on my floor.
as .ydney coming down# ! wondered# did she have a heart afterall0
Mitchell opened the door to find me sitting on the bench.
7There you are. hat-s up man08 Mitchell as"ed.
73m# .ydney complain about me or something08
7(o# ! heard yelling# then the door slam and then everything was <uiet. ! came into the living to
see what was going on and .ydney was asleep and you weren-t there. ! thought oh shit# Jordan can-t
get bac" in.8
Mitchell held the door open inviting me bac" in.
7:an we tal" for a minute08 ! as"ed Mitchell.
7.ure#8 3e said easily as he sat down beside me.
! e,plained to him what was going on with .ydney and how ! was on edge because of my car
being stolen earlier that day.
7)h# don-t worry about .ydney# man. .he-s %ust really indecisive# she changes her mind
constantly#8 Mitch assured me.
Mitch was a good guy. 3e was rec"less# and he was fearless# and never bac"ed down from a fight
from what !-d seen# but tal"ing to him ! could see he had a very understanding and respectful side.
e tal"ed for an hour about each others$ e,periences and the hardships we-ve both gone through& !
found ! could relate to him on countless levels. e eventually got significantly drowsy and we went
bac" to the apartment. ! crashed on the couch across from .ydney.
PPP
! wo"e to find .ydney still asleep. ! loo"ed at her wondering# what if she really didn$t steal my
car# what if ! was reading too much into things# what if ! should be ta"ing pity on her instead of
trying to get the better of her. (o# the girl really is a mess and the disappearence of my car couldn$t
have been more obvious. .he mumbled something about /ylan in her sleep.
;9ou and /ylan are more ali"e than you thin". ! hope you get him. 9ou$ll both ruin eachother#; !
said lightly before putting on my coat and leaving the apartment.
.ometimes the only way to win the game was to leave it.
Chapter 12
U$graded
6yle pic"ed me up in *ort .as"atchewan. 6yle and ! discussed the issue of my car being stolen
and the set of events leading up to it. e both agreed that .ydney was a leading factor in its
apprehension.
7!t$s %ust all fuc"ed up#8 ! e,plained to 6yle# 7! too" her out on a date...loo"ing bac" on it now#
she very much seemed li"e she was trying to distract me. .he made a %o"e about my car being
stolen %ust moments before finding it was& it certainly adds up. .ydney being with me# she could tell
somebody in *ort .as"atchewan where my car was par"ed and then tip them off if ! was coming
bac". The moment the car disappeared# her attitude changed li"e she didnt have to put the act
anymore. 'ater that night# she was indifferent and hinted that she got what she wanted out of me. !t
wasn$t too far fetched to assume what she wanted to get was my car. My initial thoughts when my
car was stolen were that .ydney had something to do with it. ! have no proof but my gut feeling
tells me it$s true& my instincts have never led me astray.8
79ou$re right#8 6yle said firmly# 7!t wouldn-t be that hard to do. !t was definitely her. e need to
go bac" to *ort .as"atchewan to chec" if your car is there# there-s no harm in chec"ing. 9ou can-t
let .ydney "now that we-re in the area otherwise she or any of her friends might have it moved.8
7Alright# ! suppose we could go chec"# but in the mean time# ! need to find myself another car.;
6yle assured me that he would help me find a good deal on a new car.
(early three wee"s passed since ! had seen .ydney. .ydney never bothered to ma"e an effort to
tal" to me since that night and neither did !. 6yle and ! drove to *ort .as"atchewan multiple times
to see if my car was par"ed near .ydney-s apartment. (o results ever turned up and we %ust drove
around *ort .as"atchewan "eeping an eye out for my red 3onda :ivic. .ydney# no longer tal"ing to
me only lead 6yle to believe that she was hiding something. LMy car.M
7!-m sic" of all the theatrics and games#8 ! told 6yle# 7! "now how ! can find out if .ydney-s
lying to me or not with a few simple te,t messages.8
73ow do you figure you can pull that off08 6yle as"ed curiously.
7Tell her ! found my car# if she-s able to call bullshit# she must "now something more.8
79ou "now# that-s perfect48 6yle e,claimed.
! pic"ed up my phone and called .ydney# 7hat do you want08 she as"ed with hostility. .he
hadn$t lost her touch.
7They found my car# ! "now ! didn$t say anything about it before but ! believed you had
something to do with it. That$s why ! acted indifferently toward you that night# ! owe you an
apology.8 .he sounded li"e she bought it and appeared to have believed every word ! had to say.
That was that# bac" to the silent treatment with her. ! was frustrated by the fact ! had been wrong. !
strongly believed she would call bullshit on my car being found# ! searched her voice# her words#
listened to any sign of doubt and she gave none. Maybe ! was wrong# maybe ! really was unfair to
her and she had nothing to do with my car. The day at the mall was coincidence and the %o"e she
made was truly irony.
###
7! still thin" she did it#8 6yle said coldly as we drove up to a house in Millwoods.
76yle# let it go. .ydney is a dead end. 3as it ever occurred to you that maybe my car theft was
random08 ! as"ed him.
7Too many signs pointing to .ydney#8 6yle replied.
! agreed with him# ! still believed that it was .ydney but ! wasn$t going to dwell on it any further.
7.o this is the house with the *iero08 ! as"ed.
79eah# this is it. 9ou got the cash08 ! pulled two-thousand dollars of cash out of my new# leather
%ac"et that 6yle convinced me to buy.
7.o the car was going for three-thousand in the ad. )ur mission is to haggle him down to two-
thousand. 1ic" out every little thing you see wrong with the car# be very critical to ma"e it
seemingly appear that the car is worth less and less to the owner#8 6yle instructed.
The owner came out of the house to greet us. 7The car is around bac"#8 the man said as he
guided us behind the house to a garage. A red sports car emerged from the car port# it loo"ed much
li"e 6yle-s *irebird but slightly smaller. 73ere it is# a DEHH 1ontiac *iero GT. !t-s been garage
stored for the last year and the engine was replaced %ust a few years ago.8
6yle and ! too" the vehicle for a test drive# it had only one noticeable problem# the rear bra"es
were completely disabled. ! had the "nowledge to fi, the problem# however. 6yle and ! succeeded
in convincing the owner to sell the *iero for two-thousand and ! drove home in a new and much
more impressive vehicle than my 3onda :ivic.
! spent the ne,t wee" repairing the new vehicle. The rear bra"es didn-t wor" at all so ! purchased
a new master cylinder# bled the bra"es# replaced the rotors# bra"e pads and then shortened the bra"e
line. ! found that the bra"es only made little improvement. ! scratched my head over what could be
causing the mysterious bra"e problem. ! proceeded to replace the spar" plugs with the addition of
new spar" plug wires# a new air filter# new rubber gas"ets# and then topped it off with new spea"ers
and a stereo system.
! too" the 1ontiac *iero for it$s first test drive after tuning and repairing it. ! reali+ed how much !
grew a li"ing to the car. ! pulled the *iero out into the longest stretch of road in Twin 2roo"s and let
the odometer drop as low as five "ilometres per hour and then stomped my foot to the gas with full
acceleration. The engine roared to full speed with ease. The road-s end came up <uic"ly and ! did a
right turn at the intersection. A tall brunette that loo"ed somewhat li"e :orynne 2arron and a
shorter red-haired girl were wal"ing side by side on the sidewal".
7(ice car#8 shouted the tall brunette.
! slowed the car down and pulled over beside them. 7Than" you# what are you girls up to on such
a lovely day08 ! as"ed with a shining smile.
7Just hanging out# you08 the tall brunette replied.
7Test driving the new car. 9ou girls live in Twin 2roo"s08 ! as"ed.
79eah we do# !-m guessing you do too08
7.ure do# we should hang out sometime. Ta"e my number.8
! showed the girl my digits on my own phone and she copied them into hers.
7hat-s your name08 The brunette as"ed.
7Jordan# and your name is08
7Ava and this is my friend# Jill.
73i.8 Jill said shyly# half hiding behind Ava.
! recogni+ed Jill#79ou$re 1aige$s sister# aren-t you08
79eah# how do you "now her08
7e used to hang out and party# !$ve seen you around at your place#8 ! replied.
71robably# you "ind of loo" familiar too.8
7hat$s 1aige been up to0 ! haven$t tal"ed to her in a while.8
7(ot too much# she$s stopped partying though and got engaged with her boyfriend.8
7ow# things sure change fast. Anyway# ! should get out of here# neighbours are probably
complaining about me because of my loud engine and rec"less driving habits. ! loo" forward to
hearing from you# Ava#8 ! said# smiling as ! pulled away and drove bac" to my place.
7Uuic"est phone number !$ve ever gotten.8 ! said to myself with a grin.
! had a dream for the *iero& ! imagined a pearlescent paint %ob in blac" with the addition of
golden rims# it would loo" ama+ing. *iero-s were older cars made only in the H?-s by 1ontiac. They
were ta"en off the assembly line because then weren-t well "nown for reliability. They had roughly
a three year life span before the vehicle began to have serious internal problems. *iero-s were very
popular bac" in their decade and certain people li"ed to buy them today due to the wide variety of
mod "its. *iero-s could be modified with easy to install *errari and 'amborghini body "its. !t was
genius# purchase a cheap H?-s car and ma"e it appear as a half-million dollar vehicle. !t was the
cheap and easy way to show off significant high value.
Chapter 13
The Past %s A Lie
! chec"ed my emails to find a message from 5andy :hartrand# the talent scout that recruited me
to the :.MT event several years ago.
73ey "id# !-m coming through Edmonton ne,t wee" and ! want to meet with you for coffee and
tal" about getting you signed to a ma%or acting agency. !-m running my own business now and !-m
no longer with :.MT. ! want to help you. 'et me "now what-s going on in your life. !-d li"e to
catch up. G5andy8
! replied and agreed to meet Mr. :hartrand then did some research on him. .ome time ago there
had been a great deal of complaints about the :.MT event and it had been <uestioned on whether it
was legit or not. Even ! thought it was <uestionable at one point& after ! had paid to go the event# !
was given a pac"age with all its details. The pac"age was filled with spelling mista"es and loo"ing
bac" at the event as a whole# ! recogni+ed how unorgani+ed it had really been. Many organi+ers of
the event had been accused of fraud but couldn-t face charges or a lawsuit due to the forms the
participants had to sign before attending the event. ! dug up an article that had been written wee"s
after :.MT too" place.

Tina 6ennedy
3igh 1rairie Times
orro%ing your dreams* a gro%ing industry that lives on the fringes of the modeling and talent
industries* has become more mainstream than ever= They are the modeling and talent conventions
that you pay to attend and hear someone tell you ho% to %al"* %ear your ma"eup or that you need
hundreds of dollars %orth of photos to brea" into.
Dather than the scam industry that it once %as* it?s legitimi.ed in $anada %ith only %arnings of
buyer be%are.
#or one mother %ho bought into the dream for her t%o daughters* it %as a heart3brea"ing and
e<pensive endeavour.
It?s almost li"e you?re under a spell of hopefulness. J-ou?re in. 6ere?s %hat you?ve got to pay.?
It?s almost li"e you?re in a %hirl%ind* says Shirley $alliou* %ho brought her t%o daughters to the
Sho%case of America convention in Edmonton +ctober K through L.
That?s the selling point. #rom the moment you attend the audition* it?s a con.
It started one day %hen Shirley %as reading a daily ne%spaper. She noticed a small
advertisement in the classifieds. She told her daughters* GK3year3old &onica and GH3year3old
9iane.
efore long* they %ere on a road trip to Edmonton.
!i"e hundreds of others* they %ere as"ed to %ait. Then came time for the auditions and the >uic"
intervie%s %ith &arie 9afnas and Dandy $hartrand. Shirley says the compliments %ere manyM
enough to convince her and her daughters that they needed to go the ne<t step= a NKHO per person
sho%case %here they $anadian Sho%case for &odel and Talent %ould have do.ens of big name
scouts loo"ing for the face and the voice.
It %as a costly lesson* says Shirley.
They really led me to believe they %ere legitimate and using reno%ned names of agencies that
led me believing that this is a for real thing. And then* after researching the names and that out of
P8 some so called agencies there %as probably maybe t%o or three that %ere legitimate.
That?s ho% they %or". The model and talent scout industry is flourishing in $anada and getting
bigger all the time. The problem is* say representatives from various modeling and talent agencies*
you should AECED pay up front fees.
Some speculate that they?re becoming a more fre>uent event in $anada simply because many
states in the B.S. are %riting la%s that prevent them from charging up front fees. So they?re moving
operations %here that isn?t a problem.
It?s become a business that ban"s on dreams to get money in the ban".
The etter usiness ureau provides information based on complaints.
Cirtually all successful models and actors %or" through managers* and generally use a talent
agency that does not charge a fee payable in advance for screen tests* photographs* acting or
modeling lessons or other services. If you are signed as a client by a licensed talent agency* you
%ill pay such agency nothing until you %or" and then a percentage of your earnings as a
performer.
The premise is simple. They call an audition* literally attracting hundreds of aspiring models*
actors* musicians and vocalists. Sometimes they get through the first part %ithout having to pay
money.
It?s follo%ing that initial contact that they as" you to sign a contract or agreement that has you
paying money to attend a convention.
They use tags li"e Get 9iscovered* appealing to the desires and aspirations of youth to sell
out seats and floor space.
They tell you that to succeed in the business* you need photographs* a comp card* and lessons in
ho% to behave* %al"* and put your ma"eup on.
They tell you that you don?t have to be O?G8 and GG8 lbs that models are hired all the time for
catalogue %or".
The fact is* catalogue %or" is coveted and not as easy to brea" into as modeling and talent
agencies %ould have you believe.
It?s a t%isted and comple< set of lies* %ith 2ust enough truth and legitimacy to ma"e you feel li"e
there?s a chance.
They created that environmentQthe audition is only a couple of minutesQyou go in you do
your performance and you?re out the door.
1hat?s very important to remember* is that anyone %ho pays the fees gets called bac". It has
nothing to do %ith loo" or talent.
9uring these conventions* the agency* such as $anadian Sho%case for &odel ' Talent* bring in
e<perts to tal" about the industry and ho% to get discovered. They contact smaller agencies and
give their agents paid trips and a payment for their attendance.
9afnas told the times in a telephone call on +ct. G8 that she Jprocessed? appro<imately PO8
participants.
That?s more than N7:P*888 for 2ust the registration fee alone. It doesn?t ta"e into account any
other money spent by aspiring singers* actors* models and their parents through that %ee"end.
9afnas set a fee of NHO for parents and guardians as %ell. She refused to say ho% much her
company made for the %ee"end 2ust as she refused to say %hat it %as participants got for that
money.
9afnas did try to say there %ere scouts and agents from various big name companies such as
#ord &odels* ;aramount ;ictures and 1arner rothersM%ho %ere on the list of more than K8 of
those the company said %ere invited.
efore the convention even too" place* The Times called many of those agencies.
#ord said they refuse to go to any event %here models or talent have to pay up front fees. As
%ell* %hile $anadian Sho%case of &odel ' Talent advertised someone %ould be there from #ord?s
Cancouver office* #ord does not have a .$. office.
9afnas* %ho in the audition %ith the $alliou girls* complimented both* used Shirley?s comments
of the talent and beauty in the communities around !esser Slave !a"e.
9afnas told her if she could arrange the sho%* they %ould come to to%n and do the auditions.
$omplimentary rooms and space %ere found through rian 6olmberg at the 6igh ;rairie Inn.
9afnas never returned his calls to confirm reservations.
1hen she did call him bac" it %as to yell and insult him because he?d cancelled the rooms to
ta"e paying customers.
She called Shirley the ne<t day. -elling at her* 9afnas told Shirley she?d cost her money* and
caused her not to be able to be home %ith her family over the Than"sgiving 1ee"end.
Shirley had spo"en to 9afnas 2ust the day before in Edmonton. 9espite the "no%ledge that the
sho%case %as >uite probably not %hat she and her daughters %ere hoping it %as* $alliou had
already paid out money that %ould not be refunded. Additionally* she %anted to see if there %as
anything about it that %as productive.
It %as phenomenal %hen you first arrived* she says. She %al"ed around* got names and company
names and believed* based on the hype through the %ee"end* that the people in the Sha%
$onvention $entre* %ere the movers and sha"ers of the Aorth American entertainment industry.
;hone calls and internet chec"s at the etter usiness ureau* American #ederal Trade
$ommission* and simple bac" ground chec"s through the companies they claimed to have
represented resulted in many cases of misrepresentation.
It %as and is very disappointing* says Shirley.
They?re not %hat and %ho they say they are. They %ant you to buy their version of %hat you need
to brea" into the modeling* acting or music industries. It has nothing to do %ith being discovered. It
has to do %ith you buying their product at inflated prices.
The Screen Actors Guild also advises against such agencies on their %eb site?s #re>uently As"ed
Ruestions.
The legitimate talent agency does not charge a fee payable in advance for registering you* for
resumes* for public relations services* for screen tests* for photographs* for acting lessons* or for
many other services used to separate you from your money. If you are signed as a client by a
legitimate talent agency* you %ill pay such agency nothing until you %or" and then G8 percent of
your earnings as a performer M but nothing in advance.
The simple difference bet%een these convention sorts is that they don?t find %or" for you. Deal
management companies do.
The ones that are finding %or" for their talent are ta"ing a percentage of %hat the 2ob isM
up%ards to 78 per cent.
That?s the difference bet%een a management company and a talent agency demanding up front
fees.
As for 9afnas and her $anadian Sho%case for &odel ' Talent and Sho%case of America
companies* they?ll go on to the ne<t community and do %hat they do. $anada has little protection at
this point and everything comes do%n to buyer be%are and be a%are.
It really disappoints me because I mean there %ere people coming from 1innipegQfrom all over
the place spending big money the e<penses to come do%n single parents %ith the same dream and
aspirations that they had for their "ids* that I have for my "ids and not reali.ing.
Shirley %ill not allo% this to happen again. There?s a difference bet%een an open audition and
signing up for classes.
1e?re filling someone else?s employment dream rather than them fulfilling the dreams of our
"ids* says Shirley. Al%ays >uestion before signing or handing over moneyQJust be %ary of
handing out money no matter %hat the promises.

5andy :hartrand was no doubt everything he was accused to be. 3e wasn-t interested in my
talent or e,posing me to the success ! desired. *rom the moment ! met him# he was con and was still
trying to pull the same routine that made him so much money in the past. ! decided ! was going to
meet with him anyway# see what he had to offer# and if he as"ed for a large sum of money li"e !
predicted he would# ! was going to confront him on his scam.
The wee" went by and 5andy :hartrand called me on time. 7ill you meet me at the .outhgate
Mall# boy0 e-ll be at the Tim 3ortons at =:=?.8
7.ure# see you then#8 ! replied.
! dressed stylishly# printed out the article on the :.MT event# got into my *iero and drove out to
.outhgate. 5andy was late and ! found a seat while sha"ing my head for 5andy-s disorgani+ation.
75andy# 5andy# 5andy# you really haven-t changed at all.8 ! said to myself.
5andy eventually arrived with two companions. There was an older loo"ing women in her
thirties and a younger man who loo"ed to be in his early twenties. They both loo"ed li"e models
and were incredibly well groomed.
! stood up from my seat to greet 5andy and then too" the liberty of introducing myself to
5andy-s business partners.
7!-m Jordan#8 ! informed them as ! shoo" both their hands# 7and you two are08
7!$m 'arissa.8 the female said seductively.
7And !-m Jonas#8 the male said smoothly.
75andy-s told me much about you and you-re dancing accomplishments#8 'arissa complimented
as she gestured for me to sit bac" down# 7!-d very much li"e to hear about your e,perience at .o
9ou Thin" 9ou :an /ance.8
7Ah# so 5andy-s been "eeping tabs on me has he08 ! smiled.
'arissa too" a seat beside me while 5andy and Jonas too" their seats across from me.
7'isten# boy#8 5andy interrupted# 7!-ve started my own business now. ! didn-t li"e the way they
were doing things at the :anadian .howcase of Model and Talent. :.MT didn-t have the success
stories other talent scouts do# that-s what we-re loo"ing for: the person who can become our success
story. e thin" you have what it ta"es to be our success story and we want you to be one of the first
to %oin our company. 2y being one of the first to %oin us we will respect that and ta"e e,tra care of
you. 9ou will get more out of our company then anyone else.
5andy was ma"ing his sales pitch and all he really had left to do was mention how much it was
going to cost me. 3e came to me e,pecting an easy con# but he wasn-t going to scam me again and
this time ! was going to ma"e him wor" to get his point across.
7ell#8 ! interrupted# 79ou-re a company that is %ust starting out# did you "now that about ninety
percent of businesses that start out don-t ma"e it in the mar"et. .o if ! went with you guys# a
business %ust starting out# !-d be ta"ing a much bigger ris" then if ! went to any other "nown
company on the mar"et.8
7!f you went with us you-d be on your way to stardom much faster than any other company48
5andy countered# 79ou being one of the first to start out with us would ma"e us want to help you
out more and get you up and going. 9ou-ll have more attention from the people on the top. 'arissa
lives here in Edmonton and she-ll be "eeping an eye on you.8 5andy e,plained while handing me a
business card that read 7Get /iscovered8 on it.
'arissa grabbed the card and wrote her number on it with a large smiley face beside it and slid it
across the table in front of me. .he then put her hand on my bac" and ran her finger nail across the
lining of my nec". ! recogni+ed this move of seduction from when an e,otic dancer was trying to
convince me to open my wallet to her. !t wouldn-t have surprised me if 'arissa was stripper loo"ing
for some e,tra cash as a con artist.
7.o what do you say# Jordan08 5andy as"ed confident he had me fooled. 7'arissa can help you
get some comp cards made up and !-ll have a photographer ready to get some body shots done on
you by ne,t wee". The girl ! have in mind is one of the better photographers in Edmonton so it-ll
cost you about O>??# but trust me# she-s worth the money.
7*ive-hundred is <uite e,pensive for a few photographs# especially when ! still have perfectly
good professional photos from :.MT.8
7!f you want to brea" out into the industry# you have to "eep your portfolio updated. Inderstand#
boy08
! slightly nodded my head with a suspicious loo" on my face.
7Good#8 5andy continued# 7(ow we also have a O@E> registration fee to sign up with us. e
have a contract here and we %ust need you to read it over <uic"ly and sign it. 9ou should %ust sign it
because we-re almost out of time# we have another client to meet.8
! didn-t even need to loo" at the contract# they were desperate and it showed# it made them
sloppy. ! stood up and reached into my bac" poc"et.7! came across an article the other day# 5andy. !
thought ! should bring it to your attention before we continue.8
! handed the article to 5andy and his eyes glanced over the paper suspiciously. !t loo"ed as if
5andy had come across the article before. After a <uic" moment# 5andy tore the paper in half and
threw it on the floor.
7This doesn-t have anything to do with me. !t was :.MT#8 5andy said passing the blame# 7This
is why ! left. ! didn-t li"e the way they were doing things and ! get the bad name for it. 'isten boy#
do you thin" that %ust because the company ! was with made some bad decisions that ! should pay
for it08
75egardless of whether you$re telling the truth or not#8 ! began# 7there will always be
conse<uences for bad business decisions. /o you consider yourself a business man# Mr. :hartrand0
/o you consider yourself a professional08
7! am professional4 That-s got nothing to do...8
7!f you want people to ta"e you seriously and want to run a business# 7! interrupted# 7at least act
professional for fuc" sa"es. .how up to meetings on time and show me paperwor" that isn-t filled
with spelling mista"es#8 ! held up 5andy-s contract# 79ou-re a fuc"ing %o"e# all of you. !t may have
wor"ed on me when ! was a fifteen-year-old boy who was full of dreams and believed you were my
only chance and answer# but if anyone as old as me is stupid enough to fall for this# than they
probably deserve to get scammed. e-re done here48 ! said in anger and finality before ! got up
from my seat.
The three con artists stood silently in their seats as ! wal"ed out& their faces were full of guilt and
regret# regret that someone called them on their game. !t didn-t matter how they felt# what they did#
what they do is ine,cusable. Giving children and young people-s dreams hope for a price and then
crushing those dreams while laughing at how much money they made. !t was nothing more than a
sic" %o"e. They probably felt amusement by dangling everyone-s greatest hopes in front of them.
! wal"ed bac" to my *iero and drove bac" home. After meeting 5andy :hartrand and being
e,posed to his scam# it did have me thin"ing about my dreams again and how ! could ma"e them
come to reality.
Chapter 14
Dee$tion0s Truth
(early a month had passed since my 3onda was stolen# and ! received a phone call from the
police.
7Jordan Gardiner08
79es# that-s me.8
7e-ve recovered your vehicle# you can come pic" it up from the police impound in
9ellowhead.7
! was in disbelief. ! never thought ! would ever see the vehicle again# and with my *iero# !
honestly didn$t even care if the vehicle was recovered or not. ! called 6yle and as"ed him to give
me a ride to the impound lot so ! could drive my vehicle bac".
hen we arrived# ! paid the impound fee of one-hundred-eighty-si, dollars while as"ing the
police had recovered it.
;!t was found in *ort .as"atchewan abandoned on a dirt road.;
;!nteresting...; ! replied.
An officer led 6yle and ! to where my car was par"ed. hen ! opened the car door# my spea"ers
and stereo system were ripped out of the car with wires hanging out of the dash board. My high-end
clothing# i1od# and D.DC litre bottle of whis"ey was gone. ! opened the trun" to find that my %umper
cables# %erry can# and sub-woofer were also gone. ! loo"ed under the hood of the vehicle and it
appeared that the engine was ripped apart& every valuable# brand-new car part was removed from
the engine. Then ! loo"ed at the ignition of the car seeing obvious signs that someone shoved a
screwdriver into it.
;! wonder#; ! told 6yle as ! loo"ed into the glove department and pulled .ydney-s house "eys
out. 7Guess it really wasn$t .ydney# she wouldn-t have left these here#8 ! said to 6yle. 6yle-s eyes
gleamed with thought. ! "new what he was thin"ing and ! answered his thoughts before he spo"e#
7(o. !-m giving them bac" to her.8
7Jordan# .ydney doesn-t "now you have them. /o you "now how fuc"ing easy it could be to
brea" into her apartment and cash out on all her shit. .he-s a bitch and she deserves it.8
7.he does# but her sister doesn-t. ! don-t give a shit about .ydney but ! have respect for her sister.
e-re not brea"ing into anything.8
7Jordan# you need to stop being a fuc"ing coward and learn to ta"e ris"s4 9ou give too much
respect to people who don-t deserve it. hy do you %ust wal" away0 9ou$ll never feel %ustified and !
"now it gets to you.8
! "new he was right# but it didn$t give me a free pass to rob someone$s home. And ! wasn$$t about
to brea" any laws.
;Jordan#; 6yle continued# ;Just because .ydney$s "eys are here doesn$t mean that she didn$t do it.
9ou said yourself& she was with you the entire time. hoever actually too" the vehicle could$ve
forgot# or didn$t care to ta"e .ydney$s "eys. !t was found in *ort-*uc"ing-.as"atchewan4 e were
loo"ing in the right place the entire time4 hat does that say about your instincts0 9ou$ve been right
about every %udgement. Trust this one4;
;My %udgement says brea"ing into an apartment is going to go very badly for both of us. !$m as
adament as you about .ydney# but we got to let this one go. (ow# since this vehicle barely has half
an engine left# !$m going to see if ! can get my impound fee bac".;
! wal"ed inside the office and told them the engine was ripped apart. That it would cost more
money than what it was worth to ta"e the vehicle bac". They refused to refund to me. !t made my
blood boil that they had my vehicle towed to the impound lot and charged me money before
allowing me the chance to even loo" at it.
! decided to go bac" out and see if there was anything of value left to possibly collect. 6yle was
still standing beside the vehicle with a guilty loo" on his face. ! loo"ed bac" inside the glove
compartment and noticed .ydney$s "eys were no longer there.
! agreed with 6yle$s reasoning: bitch steals my car# rob her apartment. ! had more to lose than
anyone with where ! lived# the money ! made# and no e,istence of a criminal record. 6yle was
going to get me in trouble with the law with the "ind of advice he was starting to lay out.
6yle drove me home and as"ed to borrow O>? for gas.
;here you do plan on going for O>?0;
;Just normal commutes. ! live a bit out of town. ! promise to pay you bac" on my ne,t pay
che<ue.;
6yle$s most abundant trait was always persuasion. 3e had a counter offer for everything. 3e
brought up how many times he drove me to *ort .as"atchewan to loo" for my 3onda :ivic# and
how he helped me get a good deal on the *iero.
;!$ll give you O=?# but ! better see that money on the ne,t *riday.;
! would$ve hands down gave him the money# but ! "new 6yle had .ydney$s "eys and something
seemed suspicious about the whole situation. My instinct was on edge again and ! didn$t "now why.
2ut it told me not to give 6yle the money.
! called .ydney later on that night to warn her that 6yle had her "eys and ! suggested that she
have her loc"s changed.
;! didn$t "now 6yle for very long before ! introduced you two. 3e$s not trustworthy and is very
good at playing mind games.8
;Jordan# !$m sic" of your lies#8 .ydney replied# 76yle is here now and he told me how you staged
your car being stolen to get my "eys and brea" into my apartment. 9ou$re the one that shouldn$t be
trusted# not 6yle.
;.ydney# shut up4 9ou don$t "now a goddamn thing# you should "now by now that !$m honest. !f
you$re really the idiot you$re ma"ing yourself out to be then you deserve everything that-s coming.
'et me have a word with 6yle.;
! could hear the phone rattle as it was being handed off to 6yle.
;hat0;
;6yle# you really are a piece of wor". 9ou preach about trust to me and then you reveal that
you$re the most disloyal fuc" in the city.8
;(o# !$m very loyal. Just to the people who deserve it#; 6yle laughed at me.
The phone call ended with a beep. My blood boiled.
###
The following afternoon# 6yle called me again. ! answered to condemn him with more spiteful
words. My anger was so abundant that ! was even planning to threaten him. /espite parting ways
with .ydney# ! did feel something for her. !$d be damned if ! let 6yle ta"e advantage of my
downfall# especially when he fooled me into lending him the gas money to see her.
;Jordan# stop4 'et me tal" for one second4; 6yle said e,tremely fast to get his point across# ;'ast
night was an act# ! "now .ydney stole your car and ! "now ! too" her "eys. ! gave them bac" to her
as a gesture of goodwill. ! made her thin" ! betrayed you to gain her trust# and !...;
;.hut the fuc" up# 6yle. 9ou can twist this any you want but you$re not going to tal" your way
out of...;
;.ydney admitted it4;
! paused for a moment. ;hat0;
;.ydney admitted it to me4 .he arranged everything. /ale# 3arley# and those other guys stole
your car. )ne of them too" the car bac" to *ort .as"atchewan and then they pic"ed you up playing
innocent.;
;9ou$re lying.;
;(o. 9ou should see .ydney$s apartment right now. A few wee"s ago you said she and her sister
couldn$t ma"e rent and feed themselves# right0 ell# .ydney has a new ferret# they bought a new
(intendo ii with games# they$re ahead of their rent payments. 3ow does that ma"e sense0;
;3ow do ! "now ! can trust you0;
;! didn$t tell you because ! "new you$d disagree with me. ! didn$t rob her# ! %ust investigated and
tal"ed her into telling me the truth. .he did it4 .he stole your car4;
;My thirty dollars0;
;!$ll come get you right now# give it bac" to you# and then we can go to the police station
together.;
;Alright. !f everything you say is true...than" you. 9ou fooled me# so !$m sure you could fool
.ydney.;
;e got her# Jordan# we got her.;
6yle held up his word& he arrived at my home# handed me my money# and then gave me a ride to
the police station where ! reported my story with 6yle$s obsecure statement.
To our surprise# the police informed us that they couldn$t lift a finger. !t wasn$t enough evidence
to lay charges or pursue an investigation. 6yle and ! left the station appalled.
;.o that$s it...;
;!$m sorry# Jordan. That was my last trump card.;
;! could destroy that girl#; ! told 6yle very seriously# ;but ! can$t do it without ta"ing myself
down with her.;
;)n the path of revenge# dig two graves# right0; 6yle as"ed.
;9eah# that$s the <uote. .tupid girl# what they got from my car was probably what ! would$ve
spent on her within two months. !f anything# the bitch saved me finances# time# and trouble by
stealing my car.;
;.ome people %ust li"e to shoot themselves in their own foot.;

!B
A conflicted heart feeds on doubt and confusion. It %ill ma"e you >uestion your path* your
tactics* your motives. 1hen you stare ahead and dar"ness is all you seeF only reason and
determination can you pull bac" from the abyss.
5evenge
Chapter 1
The %mbalane of Attration

As ! studied and learned about the flaws of attraction over the course of a number of years# !
came to a sobering reali+ation: the greatest imbalance of attraction spiraled down to values. !t was
always about values.
1artner A becomes more emotionally invested in the relationship than 1artner 2# and the more
love partner A wants from the other# the less 1artner 2 feels li"e giving. 1artner A has less value#
where partner 2 has more value.
2oth men and women can occupy either position at various times# so it seemed to me that the
contemporary preoccupation with women as victims of male mistreatment was causing us to lose
sight of an important fact# that women can be heart-brea"ers too.
! also concluded that virtually everyone e,periences love$s two sides in the same way. !t doesn$t
matter whether your mother adored you or ignored you# or if your childhood was happy or
miserable# no one# not even the emotionally healthy are e,empt from the pain of love when it tips
out of balance.
The troubled individual may more fre<uently wind up in unbalanced relationships# and the
healthier person may recover more <uic"ly# but love can go out of "ilter for anyone.
! reali+ed that there was some missing lin" between this imbalance of emotional involvement
and disfunction in relationships. hat ! found is this emotional pivot point was a parado,# which is
why it$s been so difficult for us to recogni+e the problem.
The lower value partner# feeling insecure and wanting to regain control to enhance their
attraction power# tries harder. The basic rights of courtship are about self-enhancement& wearing
your most flattering clothing# spending hours at the mirror thin"ing up clever things to say# honing
culinary s"ills# spending money freely on gifts# restaurant meals# romantic diversions# in order to
ma"e yourself as desirable as possible.
The goal of all this effort is to gain emotional control over a loved one so we don$t have to worry
about re%ection& that means winning his or her love. 2ut there$s a catch: if you prove too appealing
to the one you want to the point that you are clearly more in love with them# than they are with you#
your relationship will fall out of balance. 9ou$ve become the one down# or if you$re frightened by
your partner$s advances# you$ve become the one up.
The very desire to attract someone# to try to influence another person under your emotional
domination has the potential to upset the balance of the relationship# and that-s because the feeling
of being in love is biochemically lin"ed to the feeling of being out of control.
)nce you feel completely sure of another person-s love# your feelings for that person begin to
fade. Gone is the challenge# the spar"# the e,citement.
!t was an early morning in my driveway# giving the *iero a tune-up when ! spotted 1aige wal"ing
across the street. ! forgot all about 1aige until seeing her sister Jill a few wee"s bac".
71aige48 ! shouted out. .he spotted me and came over.
7.o this is the cool car ! saw on your *aceboo"#8 she greeted.
7!t sure is. ! haven$t seen you in forever. hat have you been up to.8
79ou don$t want to "now#8 she said# smir"ing. .he gave me an aw"ard hug because ! "ept my
hands away from her.
7!$d hug you bac"# but my hands are covered in this blac" smut.8
7Good call# !$d be so angry with you if you got it on my new clothes48 she laughed# 7! want to
stay and catch up but ! have to help my sister pic" out a dress for my aunt$s wedding. /o you have
my new number08
e e,changed new phone numbers and around mid-day she te,ted me. .he wanted to go for
coffee and demanded that ! give her a ride in my new car. 7*iero$s are se,y48 she told me.
! pic"ed 1aige up at the mini-mansion and we went to the closest .tarbuc"s. .he got immensely
engaged and was fascinated by my new stories of a stolen car and hanging with the cra+y *ort
.as"atchewan rednec"s.
79ou$re still the same Jordan Gardiner#8 she laughed# 7always going on adventures and getting
into trouble.8
79ou don$t "now the half of it#8 ! replied# 7so much to tell you# but enough about me. ! want to
"now what$s new with you.8
7ell#8 1aige hesitated. 7!$m ta"ing a new outloo" on life. ! got engaged...8
7! heard about that#8 ! interrupted.
7ell# :olin wasn$t the person ! thought he was. 3e started frea"ing out on me all the time and !
bro"e everything off.8 she said# her voice strained# 7! "now most people treat me li"e the typical
rich girl and they resent me because my parents provide me with so much. ! actually want to go
somewhere in my life and earn something for myself. ! want to do it on my own without my
parent$s money. ! hate being treated with resentment because of the wealth ! come from.8
7.o you$re saying your e,-fiance resented you because of your families wealth08
73e belittled me because of it.8
;!t sounds li"e a great goal that you$re setting# to do things on your own. !t$s a really gratifying
feeling to be dependant only on yourself. !$m proud of you.;
1aige smiled.
7!$m mad at you#8 1aige said with a coc"y edge brea"ing the three seconds of silence.
7Mad at me0 hat could ! have possibly done08 ! laughed# ta"en abac".
79ou hardly ever tal" to me anymore. ! saw you at the mall li"e a month ago. ! waved to you and
you gave me the dirtiest loo" ever4 ! was wondering why you hated me.8
7! have no recollection of that#8 ! laughed. 7! probably didn$t recogni+e you and thought you
were %ust some creep trying to get my attention.8
7/id you actually %ust call me# 1aige# a creep08 .he gasped playfully.
1aige was single again# and it didn$t ta"e long to revert to her old# flirty self& the 1aige ! missed
vigorously. 1aige had an ego even greater than mine# she was a wild party animal# and smart in the
cunning way.
After we finished our coffee# 1aige invited me bac" to her place. ! showed off in the *iero by
speeding up down the long stretches of road. ! par"ed in her immense driveway and we headed
inside.
7/o you want to go for a swim08 1aige as"ed as we wal"ed upstairs into her bedroom. .he
slipped into a red bi"ini.
! was about to decline# but after seeing her impeccable body# ! decided otherwise.
7! don$t have a bathing suit.8 ! said brea"ing my ga+e.
73ere#8 she said tossing me a pair from her closet# 7! bought them for :olin when ! was in 1alm
.prings last month# but since we bro"e up you can have them.8
e %umped into the pool and shared our wild e,periences from the past year. e "ept having
these intense moments of eye-contact and %ust grinned at eachother.
! started tal"ing about .ydney# venting my anger and frustration. .he randomly splashed me and
started laughing.
7)"ay08 ! laughed bac".
7/on$t be so tense# have fun48 she said as she sent another splash at me. !t was on and we went at
each other without mercy. ! charged her after having enough water shot into my face. ! grabbed her
around the waist and sent us both under. e both came up# she loo"ed at me and ! got really
immersed in her eyes. .he bro"e eye-contact and as"ed# 7hat$s the real reason you stopped tal"ing
to me08
7! %ust got really busy# you "now# climbing to the top of the world.8 ! smir"ed sarcastically.
7(o# the first time.8
7! thin" you "now the answer to that#8 my tone turning more serious.
72ut it$s in my nature to call you out on it#8 she smir"ed with similar sarcasm.
7hat happened before# it may have been a game to you# but it wasn$t to me. *or me# it left a
mar".8
7e had some awesome times though# didn$t we08 .he pouted cutely. 7e could go bac" and do
it all over again.8
7!$m not interested in playing this game with you again. 9ou %ust got out of an engagement# !
"now better. !$m not going to be a card in either your rebound or plot against your e,.8
1aige loo"ed at me with very upset eyes. 7!$m not playing games. !$m not li"e that anymore#8
1aige said as she moved really close to me. 7! was really stupid# and ! do thin" about it sometimes. !
never forgot about you.8
7!$m trying really hard not to "iss you right now.8 ! whispered as ! placed my hand on the side of
her face.
1aige slightly bit her lip. 7/o it#8 she said confidently.
7(ah#8 ! said ruining the moment. 1aige loo"ed at me s"eptically. 7! have too much respect for
you and our friendship to %ust hoo" up with you# and you still %ust got out of an engagement48 !
e,claimed.
.he merely stared at me for a moment before getting out of the pool. ! had always loved 1aige$s
charisma. !f ! was going to become involved with a girl as worthy as her# ! wanted to do it the right
way. ! wanted her to be genuinely interested in me and not loo" at me as a potential rebound or
hoo" up as she once did. .he was also a girl ! felt ! could attract without running any pic" up
material# she "new me inside and out.
.he invited me bac" inside and grabbed a towel for me. As ! thought she was about to hand it to
me# she threw herself into a hug. 3er wet body against mine had me slightly aroused. 79ou$re such a
good guy#8 she told me.
After drying off# she wanted to watch the movie $:hasing 'iberty$ and cuddle. 7*riends cuddle#8
she claimed. .he was punishing for what ! had %ust done. .he wasn$t stupid# she "new ! was
attracted to her and the game was on. .he was going to tempt me and then play hard to get. ash#
rinse# repeat.
1aige "new the cat string theory all too well.
.he was silent halfway through the movie in the basement suite. ! couldn$t even pay attention to
the film# ! "ept thin"ing about 1aige. !t had been a long time since ! felt genuine feelings for a girl
and ! wondered what it would be li"e to feel the wonder of love again. ! had always been physically
attracted to 1aige but ! saw her so differently after spending that "ind of time with her.
.he said she$s not playing games# she$s not li"e that anymore. !t was time to find out if she really
had changed.
7!s it too late to "iss you08 ! as"ed very gently.
.he loo"ed at me and shoo" her head.
! "issed her very slowly. A small sense of butterflies impeded my chest# ! hadn$t had butterflies
from "issing a girl since (icole. )"ay# ! told myself# !$m going to let myself have this. !$m going to
let myself fall for 1aige. ! wanted to feel what it was li"e to truly fall for someone again and damn
the conse<uences.
7Thin"ing about what you said& about going bac" and doing it all over again. Maybe we should.
e$re older# more e,perienced# more mature now. e don$t have to ma"e the same mista"es as
before.8
1aige stared at me for a few moments. !t seemed she was having trouble registering what ! had
%ust said. 7! don$t "now. That was a stupid thing for me to say# ! don$t "now what ! was thin"ing.
9ou were right# !$m still getting over :olin#8 she replied in a sorry tone.
e <uietly stared at the TB screen# but we both "new neither of our minds were on the movie. !t
got uncomfortable and aw"ward. ! pulled my phone out and acted li"e ! was replying to te,t
messages when ! had none. Then ! made up the e,cuse that ! had plans with some other friends and
needed to go.
7)"ay#8 was all she said.
! said bye and let myself out.
After ! got bac" to my house# ! was beating myself up over how much ! screwed things up. ! %ust
had to be bold# ! %ust had to be wrec"less# ! felt li"e ! was falling for 1aige all over again and if she
was gaming me# ! gave her complete power over me.
! leaned bac" onto my bedside smiling however. There it is# ! actually have unconditional
feelings for a girl. !t had been so long.
Chapter 2
*e- Hori1on
! wo"e up in my new bed for the first time. 3eartache overtoo" me# it had only been one night
since !$d been away from :ourtney. ! already missed her so much and leaving her behind in (elson
was perhaps the hardest thing !$d ever done. ! <uestioned myself# wondering if ! made the right
decision.
e called each other every night# her voice was soft over the phone and ! longed for her to be in
my arms again. 2ut deep down ! "new it wasn$t going to wor". ! "new ! was going to pursue other
girls in Edmonton and :ourtney was a pointless endeavor. ! bro"e it off with :ourtney and she was
crushed for a while. .he finally got over me when she met a guy named /avid 'ayne. ! was glad
she had him.
! turned my bac" to my entire past# ! ceased contact with everyone ! "new in 2ritish :olumbia
and only loo"ed forward with my new life in Alberta.
! wondered what new e,periences Edmonton would hold for me. ! grew comfortable in my new#
upper class home# and became accustomed to having <uality numbers in my ban" account from my
outstanding %ob opportunity. 3owever# ! had to rebuild my social life from the ground up.
! went for a wal" in the par" that was %ust across the waterfront of the neighborhood. !t was a
beautiful summer day and ! decided to wal" out to the middle of the grassy soccer field. ! started
doing bac" flips and handsprings across the field to "eep my abilities in their pea" performance.
A pair of girls were tanning on towels at the other end of the field. They were beyond beautiful
and they were watching me. !t made me a little nervous and ! %umped into another bac" flip and lost
control. ! landed on my face and collapsed on the ground.
)ne of the girls came running over to see if ! was o"ay#
;That loo"ed really cool#; she complimented.
Maybe not.
;Than"s# ! messed up though#; ! smiled.
;!t still loo"ed cool.;
A handful of toddlers came running up and began to hang off the dirty blonde$s arms# ;e want
to get ice cream4; they whined.
;.iblings0; ! as"ed.
;:ousins#; she replied# ;)"ay# o"ay# we$ll get you guy$s some ice cream. !t was nice meeting
you.;
! was very curious of the girl but after her cousins stole my thunder and ta"ing a good smac" to
the face# ! went bac" to the confines of my home.
'ater in the afternoon# ! uploaded some new music to my i1od and decided to go for a wal" and
e,plore my new neighborhood. The environment and high class lifestyle was everything ! wished !
had grown up with. ! wondered how different my life would$ve been if that wish was a reality.
al"ing alongside the waterfront# ! saw the dirty blonde from earlier with her many cousins coming
in my direction.
;3ey4 3ow$re you0; she as"ed very enthusiasticly. !t was evident that she was happy to see me
again.
;)h# !$m awesome#8 ! smiled# 7ould you li"e to hang out later when you got your cousins off
your bac"0;
! didn$t li"e as"ing someone to ma"e plans with me so sudden but ! "new ! may never get the
chance again.
;Ih yeah# !$d love to. hen0; she as"ed an,iously.
;3ow about the field# the same place we first met# at...let$s say# D?:?? pm.;
;)"ay# !$ll meet you there. 9ou promise you$ll be there0;
;! promise#; ! assured her.
The s"y turned dar" and D?:?? pm came rolling around. ! indulged in a couple drin"s and wal"ed
out to the field. The dirty blonde hadn$t shown up# ! waited for fifteen minutes and she still hadn$t
arrived. After ! loo"ed at my phone# ! started to leave.
The girl appeared from around the bloc" breathing heavily. ;3ey4; she panted
;3ey#; ! replied# ;! didn$t thin" you were coming.;
;(o# ! %ust lost trac" of time#8 she laughed.
! as"ed her what she wanted to do and she left it up to me to come up with the ideas. ;'ets see
where this leads#; ! told her as ! too" her down one of the dar" pathways into a forested area at the
outs"irts of the neighborhood.
! started ma"ing %o"es about how ! heard wolves earlier and how they$re vicious in this area. !t
was a plot to scare the gorgeous blonde into stic"ing close to me. ! e,tended my arm out for her to
hold onto# she too" me by the arm and followed me deep down the pathway. Eventually an area of
the pathway had a long# painted# wooden fence running alongside it. The other side of the fence
held the bac"yards of many multi-million dollar homes.
e stopped behind one of the most beautiful loo"ing homes !$d seen in the entire neighborhood.
The home had teal light from an illuminated swimming pool dancing along the side of it.
! was flirting with the girl relentlessly and she made every indication of interest she possibly
could. ! moved in close to her and as"ed if she wanted to "iss me# she let out a wea" yes. ! pressed
my lips against her and made out with her as she leaned bac" against the fence. hile "issing# we
made light conversation. ! as"ed what "ind of girl she was and she "ept urging me to guess.
;9ou$re a popular girl. 9ou seem li"e the type.;
;Many would say so# but nope.; she shyly shoo" her head.
;Than what0;
;Guess#; she said again.
;Im# one of those sporty types0;
;(ope#; she replied again.
! must$ve guessed every stereotype in the boo" until she told me that she didn$t believe in
stereotypes.
79ou groom yourself very well# you$re beautiful# tanned# your hair is li"e sil"# you dress in
designer clothes& everything about you shouts popular#8 ! remar"ed. .he smiled and remained silent
for a few moments. .he cutely loo"ed at me through her mascaraed eyes in a seductive way. 7Aside
from your loo"s# you seem li"e you have a really good heart. The time you spend with your cousins
and the non-belief in stereotypes indicate that right there.8
.he leaned her face in close to mine with a mysteriously devious smir".
;9ou pay attention to things# ! li"e that.;
;! li"e this whole mysterious thing you$ve got going on. !t ma"es me want to get to "now you so
much more.;
;! have to go. ! wor" in the morning and need sleep.;
7:an ! wal" you home08 ! as"ed.
79ou already did#8 she replied and pulled on a hidden latch in the fence.
7! don$t even "now your name.8
71aige# 1aige 'arsen#8 she said %ust before disappearing through the gate.
Chapter 3
+esurgene
! wo"e up with 1aige on my mind# ! started rethin"ing my position on the feelings ! had for her# !
had doubt running through my mind and decided that ! should run material on her. ! could bring her
in and ! ultimately needed to get her pursuing me rather than pursuing her. ! promised myself that !
wouldn$t run routines on her# but ! permitted myself to wor" the theory behind them.
! was silly to wor" myself into a fren+y over her# because when ! finally chec"ed my phone# !
found a long te,t message from her sent late the previous night.
7Jordan# !$m sorry if ! made things weird earlier today. ! %ust didn$t thin" ! was the type of girl
you would be interested in and it totally caught me by surprise. 9ou$ve changed a lot# li"e in a good
way. !$m not doing anything tomorrow so let$s hang out08
Around noon# ! called her because ! "new how much she adored sleeping in.
71aige# ! got your te,t.8
7)h good.8
7!$m glad you cleared that up# !$m sorry for hitting on you the way ! did. !$ve %ust been thin"ing
about a lot of things in my life lately and how ! wished things were different.8
7! "now what you mean.8
7hen did you want to hang out08 ! as"ed 1aige.
75ight now08
7here08
7Anywhere you want.8
7The waterfront# fifteen minutes08
7.ure4 !$ll be there.8
! felt weird# almost sad# and it seemed li"e she did too. ! sensed a dissatisfaction in her life
similar to mine.
hen ! met 1aige at the waterfront# she didn$t seem herself. 3er hair was tied bac" and she was
wearing bug-eyed sunglasses.
73ey Jordan#8 she said as she hugged me. 3er voice was thic" li"e she$d been drin"ing. 7.orry
again for yesterday# ! don$t really feel right. ! haven$t slept since you left my house yesterday and
!$ve been drin"ing all night.8
7hat$s going on with you08 ! as"ed# concerned.
7!t$s hard to e,plain#8 she said and sat down on a nearby bench. ! sat beside her. 7!$m miserable# !
feel li"e nothing$s right in my life. ! felt li"e things were suppose to be a certain way and destiny has
been derailed and set off its path. :olin and ! were engaged# he was perfect for me and everything
was right# but the way he changed# the way he was# %ust hurts me so much because ! still love him#
the old him# but that$s not him anymore.8
7! "now how you feel# you initially fall in love with someone# but change is something
inevitable# it becomes hard to admit that the person you loved no longer e,ists in that body we$ve
grown so attached to.8
7!t$s li"e the person ! loved is dead# and there is someone else living in his body#8 she
e,asperated.
7There is no %ustice for it. (othing can ma"e that better and it turns your whole world upside
down. Everything you "now and love becomes a lie& it$s hard to wrap your head around it.8
7E,actly4 This is so weird that we$re having this conversation. ! didn$t "now you thought this
way.8
7!$ve e,perienced it myself on different levels& it wasn$t a very pretty chapter of my life.8
7! can imagine.8
7!$m surprised by you# you$ve turned into <uite the intellectual# 1aige.8
7! %ust thin" a lot deeper than ! used to. ! had everything and ! too" it for granted# but now it
doesn$t seem li"e it$s enough anymore. 'ife needs to have more meaning than the life !$m currently
living.8
! too" her hand# 7There is so much more to life than having everything you want and need. The
struggle# the difficulties# and the %ourney out of chaos is what truly builds you as a person.8
1aige rested her head on my shoulder#7!t %ust feels so weird. ! don$t "now what$s right anymore.8
7/o you feel detached and disconnected from reality08
7Mhm. !$m so glad we$re friends. 9ou understand things no one else does.8
! could feel value fluctuating between 1aige and !. .he seemed hopeless and needy and in turn#
the feelings ! had for her were absent. hen she had her walls up# ! sensed challenge and a
con<uest.
!t wasn$t my fault# nor hers. Every girl that ever turned me down wasn$t truly a bitch or guilty for
being cruel# nor was ! guilty for every girl ! turned down and was a heartbrea"er to& it was only our
brain transmitting signals evaluating the mating efficiency the other person had.
hen you can truly understand the way your mind thin"s and understand the low and primitive
value it holds# you can be above it. 9ou can ignore and move against your genetic code to be more&
to ma"e the logical instead of emotional choices.
7! wish ! wasn$t damaged goods#8 1aige self-loathed.
7!s 1aige 'arsen self-loathing0 hat the fuc" did you slip me08 ! laughed trying to lighten the
mood# 79ou$re this brilliant girl# sure# you were a wild party animal when we first met and you lost
the man you love# but you have this way about you. 9ou e,ert this energy and it effects everyone in
your presence. 9ou can have the world in your hands# 1aige# %ust get past this hiccup and you$ll see
a whole new world of opportunity.8
3er face changed from depressed to overwhelmingly happy faster than ! could blin". .he was
blushing and !$d never seen her smile so wide. !t over%oyed me to see her li"e this# and %oyed me
even more "nowing that ! was the cause of it.
.he loo"ed up at me and lightly "issed me. ! fully indulged in the moment.
! didn$t need to run a single line of pic" up material# all it too" was some honesty# genuine care#
and advice with the right words. 1erhaps this $Game$ was inade<uate and $be yourself$ wasn$t the
cliche and useless advice ! always thought it had been G so long as yourself was one outstanding
individual.
7'et me ta"e you out#8 ! said strongly to 1aige# 7we$ll "eep it casual# no emotional attachment.
e$re both emotionally damaged and companionship could help us both. 8
.he thought about it for a moment. 7Alright# no emotional attachment#8 she agreed.
)f course ! wasn$t silly enough to believe that emotional attachment was something that either of
us could control. ! needed to give her something that would mas" her doubt in us# and it did.
1aige and ! had been seeing each other for wee"s. e fre<uented movie theaters# restaurants#
swimming pools# par"s# house parties# and clubs. e went on some of the most fun and enticing
dates ! had ever been on.
e had eventually gone on a camping trip outside of :algary for one wee"end. 1aige had no
idea what to do in the outdoors. ! taught her how to set up a tent and ma"e a proper fire. e got
hungry and ! as"ed her what she brought for food.
! brought hot dogs# granola bars# marshmallows# and vitamin water. ! "new if we needed to !
could cheat and drive the forty-five minutes to the nearest /enny$s in :algary.
7! came prepared48 she smiled and ran to the car and pulled out a bottle of rum from her suitcase.
! gave her a funny loo"# 7That$s all you brought for consumption08
79eah#8 she loo"ed at me li"e she didn$t see anything wrong with that.
7:ome here# you48 ! laughed and pic"ed her up while swinging her legs around.
7)h my god# put me down48 she laughed# 79ou can$t do this to me48
e dran"# we ate# we "issed. .he started e,pressing how glad she was that ! chose to be with her.
79ou$$re honestly li"e the perfect boyfriend#8 1aige said attentively.
7My girlfriend is pretty high up there too#8 ! replied# ga+ing into her eyes.
7(o# ! really mean that. The last couple wee"s have %ust been so great. 9ou were right# you
"now.8
75ight about what08
7(ew and better opportunities after ! stopped self loathing# as you called it#8 she smiled.
7This sounds li"e that tal"#8 ! smir"ed happily.
7hat tal"08
7The $! want to ta"e this to the ne,t step$ tal".8
.he opened her mouth to spea" but no words came out# she shot me her glowing smile again and
decided to get up and wal" away instead. ! loo"ed bac" at her as she un+ipped the tent entrance. .he
too" off her sweater and than her tan" top before throwing it at me.
! too" one last shot of rum before ! entered the tent after her. My eyes filled with desire seeing
her white# lacey lingerie.
!t about to be our first time and ! hoped it meant as much to her as it did to me. ! felt devoted to
her and ! didn$t want it to be meaningless and purely for pleasure. .he became the girl and the
wonder !$d been searching for so many years of my life. .he filled the void inside me and it was
enough to say# yes# ! can conclude my %ourney here.
Chapter 4
/mission
The girl had set an inner fire off in me. ! "ept running the name# 1aige 'arsen# through my head.
! had to see her again.
After some searching on *aceboo"# ! found her& the stunning and beautiful girl that shared
intimacy with me the previous night. ! boldly sent her a message telling her that ! was ta"ing her out
on the wee"end. .he full out refused me.
7(o# !$m ta"ing 9)I out#8 she replied while attaching her phone number.
e arranged to meet in the field again on a beautiful and warm *riday night. .he loo"ed even
better than the last time ! saw her.
7.o# what$s on the agenda for tonight.8
79ou$ll see#8 she smiled seductively and bec"oned me to follow her while ta"ing my hand.
My heart rate slightly increased# she was so beautiful and was already treating me li"e her
boyfriend.
.he led me to her house and invited me inside. .he told me her parents weren$t home before we
went down into the basement suite. There was an illuminated bar set up at one end of the room. .he
grabbed two glasses and started pouring drin"s.
7)h# ! get it. 9ou$re too young to go to the bar so you have your own.8
.he scoffed# 7! bet !$m older than you.8
7!$m eighteen.8
73a4 (ineteen48
79ou were drin"ing before you came to get me#8 ! said observantly.
7Just a little#8 she replied as she raised her thumb and inde, finger.
7! guess ! better catch up.8 .he made a cosmo and slid it across the counter top to me. 79ou sure
"now how to ta"e a man on a romantic date.8
.he raised her finger up telling me to wait as she finished her sip#7This isn$t the date. This is the
warm up.8
.he had me curious# ! wanted to "now what she was up to. 7!f this isn$t the date# than what is08 !
as"ed.
7!$m not drun" enough to start being honest#8 she giggled.
.he had me fascinated. .he had a nice and shy demeanor the other night# now she had a little bit
of attitude. There was a cunning edge in the way she spo"e# ! was dying to figure her out.
! finished my drin" and she slid another one over to me. .he accused me of drin"ing too slow
and urged me to hurry up if we were going to get to the $date$ on time.
.he poured two shot glasses full of rum. 7)"ay# before we go# <uic" <uic"48 e tinged our
glasses together and tilted our heads bac".
e left the house and started wal"ing across the neighborhood. .he pulled out her phone a few
times to te,t. ! stole some glances and noticed the word $party.$
7e$re going to a house party# aren-t we08 ! as"ed.
7Jer"4 ! "now you loo"ed at my phone.8
7! li"e house parties# but since !$m letting you ta"e me this thing# you need to let me do one
thing.8
7hat$s that08 she as"ed with a coc"y edge.
7:lose your eyes.8
.he closed them and ! went in for the "iss. .he "issed me bac" vigorously.
7! really li"e you#8 ! smiled as ! held her around the waist.
7! li"e you too#8 she replied open-heartedly.
e continued wal"ing to the house party. 1aige informed me that it was one of her very close
friends throwing it and that if ! see her sister there# not to hit on her.
7/oes she loo" li"e you08
71retty much# but she always dyes her hair red.8
7)h# ! thin" ! should meet your sister.8
7/on$t even48
e came into pro,imity of the house. !t was nice# but only about half as large as 1aige$s home.
To my surprise# not only were there high school students congesting into the house# but also
college freshmen& it was the ma"ings to a wild party. hen getting inside# a hot little redhead
approached 1aige and she was as"ing about a guy. ! "new it was her sister.
! leaned in to introduce myself but the redhead ran off before ! got a word out.
7hat$s your sisters name08 ! as"ed 1aige.
7)h my god# you$re already into her aren-t you48 she said %umping the gun.
7(o# ! was %ust curious#8 ! replied innocently.
7Jill.8
1aige and ! mingled with senselessly drun" randoms before grabbing some beer and tal"ing
privately in a stairwell.
7hat are you most proud of# 1aige08 ! as"ed.
7!$d have to say being popular#8 she replied with a hint of pride in her voice# 7 3ow about you08
7My independence. !$ve grown up considerably fast. !$ve e,perienced a lot.8
7! can see that about you. hat was your first impression of me08
7That you were a stunning girl that breathed class# that ! have to marry so she can share her trust
fund with me#8 ! %o"ed.
7.hut up4 ! do not have a trust fund. My family$s not that rich.8
7(o# you %ust live in a mini-mansion#8 ! laughed. 7hat does your family do08
7My daddy is a lawyer# mom is his secretary. My dad$s made some really good investment
choices though# that$s where most of the money came from.8
Jill found us and told 1aige that someone named 5eanna needed to tal" to her. 1aige left the
room leaving me alone with Jill. 7ho are you08 Jill as"ed s"eptically.
7*riend of your sister$s. !$m Jordan.8 ! reached over to sha"e her hand.
7Just to warn you# my sister goes through guys li"e she does tampons#8 she said leaving without
sha"ing my hand.
! hung around# waiting for 1aige to turn up again. .he seemed to have disappeared. ! was left
alone in a party full of people ! didn$t "now# feeling li"e a chump.
An hour into the party# everyone started to get out of control and the home was being ransac"ed.
.ome s"ater pun" was ta"ing batteries out of every device he could find: TB remotes# a mouse and
"eyboard# A-2o, controllers. .ome frat boys were shaving s<uares in the carpet with an electric
ra+or and cutting random cords that they came across. ! wal"ed into the bac"yard where lawn
gnomes were being shattered on the rooftop by shirtless men covered in the scribbles of a
permanent mar"er.
)ut of nowhere# 1aige wal"ed up from behind me# loo"ing horrified. 7hat happened08 1aige
as"ed in disbelief.
7A lot# where did you go08
79ou don$t even want to "now#8 she told me.
1olice lights began flashing from the front of the house. .enselessly drun" party-goers became
panic"ed. A stampede of high school minors came running into the bac"yard. ! could hear cops
yelling# freshmen girls screaming# and the alarm system ringing.
79ou have to get me out of here#8 1aige said in a fren+y.
! nodded and helped her climb over the fence in the bac"yard. .o many inebriated teens were
flailing over the fence that it loo"ed li"e a scene from orld ar V. ! too" 1aige$s hand and ran
onto the street with her. There seemed to be a steady stream of students following a specific
direction# so ! followed the general traffic through countless yards# subdivision to subdivision. 1aige
tripped over a fence and grabbed onto me on the way down. e landed roughly in the grass of
someone$s bac"yard laughing hysterically. !t was such a rush evading the police li"e that.
7hat$s your name again08 1aige slurred.
79ou better be "idding#8 ! said laughing my ass off.
7!$m so...so dru...8 she passed out cold beside me.
! grew worried and shoo" her# she was completely unconscious# and ! was too drun" to carry her
bac" to either her house or mine. ! laid ne,t to her for roughly twenty minutes until she regained
consciousness.
73ey#8 she whispered.
73ey#8 ! smiled.
7/id ! %ust pass out08
79ou did.8
73oly fuc". ! can$t believe ! did that. 5eanna$s weed is so strong# it made me so di++y.8
! found her adorable. .he was whispering and smiling with her pearly white teeth even after the
cra+iness we both e,perienced. .he was still <uite attractive even when she loo"ed li"e such a
disaster.
.he leaned over to "iss me. /uring our lip loc"# her stomach growled fiercely.
7/o not pu"e4 Especially when you$re right above me#8 ! said as my eyes went wide.
.he rested her body over my chest laughing# 7(o# !$m actually really hungry.8
;/o you want to get some food0 !f we can ma"e it bac" to my place# we can +ip over to the JCR@
Mc/onalds in my *iero.;
;/o you thin" ! maintain this body on Mc/ic"s0 Mc/onalds# not even once4 9ou$re ta"ing me to
/enny$s4;
;9ou "now# !$m not going to argue with that.;
1aige was insistant on driving her car and thought she lived closer. e made it to 1aige$s home
where she let me drive her Audi A> that her parents bought for her si,teenth birthday. G !t was the
smoothest car !$d ever driven.
e arrived at /enny$s and noticed something on the menu called 72as"et of 1uppies.8 e
decided to fuc" with the waitress and as"ed if we got to choose our own puppies.
7hat do you mean08 the cute waitress as"ed in confusion.
7ell#8 ! stated# 7can we get them in dalmatian or chiwawa08
1aige couldn$t stop laughing.
7They$re not real puppies#8 the waitress replied# dumbfounded# 7they$re...8
7e "now# we "now#8 1aige blurted out in between laughs# 7Jordan# %ust order me something.8
7Two cheese burgers48 ! announced at the top of my head.
The waitress wrote it down on her notepad and paced away desperately.
1aige sobered up after getting some food in her. After indulging our appetites# ! drove her bac"
home. ! stood on her doorstep and gave her a "iss goodbye. .he remained motionless# she let me
"iss her but did not "iss bac". 7Jordan#8 she said in an apologetic tone# ;you$re going to hate me.8
;! don$t thin" there is anything you can say to create that effect.;
;!$ve been dating someone for two months. 3e$s ama+ing# but then you came along and have this
confidence# this boldness# and way. ! got carried with you# and ! "now you want more. 2ut ! can$t
do it. e can be friends# but ! have to go bac" to my man now.;
! stared at her in disbelief and she stared bac" waiting for me to respond. 7That$s cool#8 ! lied.
79ou don$t owe me anything.8
7Good. As long as we "eep it casual# we can "eep seeing eachother. Goodnight.;
;(o# wait4 !t$s not cool. ! fuc"ing li"e you# 1aige. ! want you and ! will do whatever it ta"es to
win you. 2ut ! will never be second best to someone else# not with a girl4 ! don$t "now who this guy
is# but if tonight had any indication# it$s that we$re perfect for eachother.;
;Jordan...;
;:hoose. Ma"e up your mind right now or ! wal".;
;!t$s not going to be you.;
;Goodbye# 1aige. !t was fun while it lasted#; ! told her as ! turned around and wal"ed off her
doorstep.
;.top this4 !$m so glad ! met you. Everything have been ama+ing with you#; 1aige shouted after
me# ;but you$re not going to pressure me into ma"ing a decision. ! shouldn$t have even mentioned
him but stupid alcohol ma"es it all come out.;
;Goodbye#; ! finali+ed# ; ! thin" that$$s the only thing left to say.;
! wal"ed half-way down 1aige$s driveway. .he was still standing there with an upset loo" on her
face. Then ! "ept wal"ing hoping she$d shout one more thing at me# anything to prompt me to go
bac" and fight# but she didn$t.
! never let myself free fall before. ! thought that if ! had to# ! could wal" away from 1aige with
little to no hurt..
al"ing home# ! wondered how ! let such prominant feelings creep up on me so <uic"ly. ! didn$t
want to admit it# but ! already cared about 1aige more than ! thought.
! was incredibly attracted to her and was loo"ing for more than a simple fling# but it was obvious
that her attraction for me ended there. .he# ultimately# sent me on the endeavour to learn the game
in the later months and move onto pursuing a multitude of women.
.he got into a serious relationship with her significant other# :olin. 1aige and ! practically
friend-+oned each other and it was potentially the better decision because we became ama+ing
friends that could open-heartedly tell each other about everything.
hen ! got home# filled with disappointment# ! found that 5achel faceboo"ed me# spea"ing of
glorified# alcohol-induced adventures on Iltimate 1ub :rawls. 7!$m selling the tic"ets for the
event#; 5achel pitched# ;you$ll really li"e my friend# 6aty# it$s going to be so fun48
!$d never been to a club before and loo"ed forward to seeing 5achel again.
Chapter '
(ears And Phobias
1aige wo"e me up in the middle of the night. 7Jordan# !$m fuc"ing free+ing. ! can$t sleep in this
tent for another second.8
! was shivering to no end and suggested that we sleep in the car where we could turn on the heat.
e grabbed the blan"ets and snuggled up in the car.
7! can$t believe you loo"ed at me weird for bringing rum# it can actually "eep us warm#8 1aige
%ustified.
7(ever want to go camping again#8 ! mumbled bitterly.
7! wonder whose smart idea it was to go camping in )ctober#8 1aige said# her voice dripping in
sarcasm.
7! admit# not one of my best ideas. 9ou "now what "eeps you warmer than rum08
7hat08
! nodded my head toward the bac"seat.
7Again08
! grinned as she climbed on top of me after crawling into the bac".
! ended falling asleep with 1aige nestled in my arms. hen ! wo"e up# she was sleeping so
peacefully. ! didn$t want to move and wa"e her so ! laid there merely staring at all her facial
features. 3er lips loo"ed so soft and luscious# remnants of her ma"e up laid around her eyes# some
strands of hair were hanging off her nose. ! ran my hand across her hair line and pushed the strands
out of her face. .he smiled while her eyes were still closed.
7! love that#8 she said as she opened her eyes.
! had an outing into the city of :algary planned. ! too" her to the :algary Tower and she made
fun of my phobia of being in an elevator. 1aige learned one of my only two fears: elevators and air
planes. ! didn$t li"e anything that could cause the floor to drop from beneath my feet if something
went wrong.
hen we got out of the elevator# we were presented with an ama+ing view of the city and the
roc"y mountains across the landscape.
! learned that 1aige had a fear of heights when she refused to %oin me on the ple,iglass floor& we
could see the city streets a mile below our feet. After ten minutes of encouragement and teasing# she
finally stepped out while grasping my arms tightly.
1aige certainly found her revenge on the elevator ride bac" down. ! regretted being so coc"y
about the ple,iglass because she was %umping up and down in the elevator to spite me.
7.top being so cruel#8 ! whined# 7if my fears come true# you$ll die too48
7At least ! "now you$ll be more scared than ! am#8 she laughed.
7!$m ta"ing us right bac" up and !$m going to ma"e you stand on the ple,iglass while ! ta"e a
sledgehammer to it.8
7(ot before ! ma"e this elevator crash#8 she said before %umping and slamming her feet on the
floor again. Every time she did it# ! could feel the elevator drop a little faster than normal. ! felt li"e
curling up into a little ball.
7Just you fuc"ing wait# ! had a really nice date planned but now !$ve got some other ideas of
where to ta"e you.8 The elevator too" so long to descend from that height and ! was relieved to be
at ground level again. 7hew#8 ! breathed as we wal"ed out onto the downtown streets.
7!$m so going to fuc" with you every time we$re in an elevator now. hat happened to Jordan
Gardiner# fears nothing08
7Tell anyone about my fear of elevators and !$ll tell everyone you self-loathed.8
7/eal. 9our fear of elevators is so much more fun than my petty emotions.8
71etty huh0 'i"e your attraction towards me08
7! bet ! li"e you more than you li"e me.8
1aige and ! started competing over who was more emotionally invested. 7hy do you li"e me
more08 ! as"ed.
79ou$re so cute cowering in an elevator# but actually# you ma"e me reali+e things about myself
that ! didn$t "now. hen !$m with you# it %ust seems li"e the rest of the world disappears. 9ou ma"e
me happy. hy do you li"e me more08
.taring into her glossy eyes spar"ed everything in me# 7! love you# 1aige 'arsen. ithout words#
your eyes spea" volumes to me. ! could be wal"ing down the street and not "now anything about
you& but after seeing your radiant smile# it would tell me the whole story. ! love the way you carry
yourself# ! love the beauty you see in the world# and ! love the beauty inside of yourself.8
79ou li"e full on love me08 1aige stammered.
79eah#8 ! "new ! was in over my head but ! was willing to commit to it# 7! love you# 1aige.8
7! love you too# Jordan Gardiner.8
!t was all too intense# too real# ! never thought !$d be hearing those "inds of words from a girl li"e
1aige 'arsen. ! put incredible value on her# and we were both irresistibly infatuated with each other.
! wanted a long-lasting relationship with her and she too" the relationship as seriously as ! did.
After visiting the :algary Tower# we went to a military museum to see real weapons and
e<uipment that was recovered from orld ar !! G li"e bullet-dented German helmets.
1aige "new about my strong desire to %oin the :anadian *orces and being in the military museum
only made her thin" about what would happen if that time came.
7! don$t want you to %oin the army#8 1aige whined# 7what if you don$t come bac"08
7! will.8
7/o you have any fuc"ing idea what it would do to me if you died in Afghanistan or
something08
7!$ll come bac"48
7hat if it changes you0 hat if your not the same after e,periencing war08
7e should go& ! "now you hate war. ! don$t "now what ! was thin"ing by bringing you here.8
7!t$s not that# !$m falling for you really badly and if you do this# ! "now you$ll be gone a lot and
you might not come bac". 9ou can$t ma"e me fall in love with you and then %ust ta"e off to a place
where bullets are whi++ing over your head48
;! thin" ! need this# 1aige. ! need the life e,perience# ! need the s"ills and military trade will
shape me into something better. !$m tired of sitting on the sidelines waiting for a promotion or a
better %ob opportunity. Their are immense advancement opportunities in the military and ! need to
ta"e what ! want by force. ! need to recogni+e what ! want# stand up# and get it because nothing is
going to fall into my lap.;
;! fell into your lap#; 1aige teased.
;(o#; ! replied laughing# ;! had to chase you a little bit.;
;! do agree with you# Jordan#; 1aige e,plained# ;but this isn$t the way. ! don$t "now what will
happen to us if you leave.;
.he was right. ! went to a military recruitment centre without telling 1aige# and was sure ! was
going to go into Armored 5econnainsse. 2ut they$d first send me to .t. Jean in Uuebec for basic
training. That was already three months away from 1aige.
)n the drive bac" to the campsite# ! thought about my choices and the effect they had on 1aige. !
decided to put my thoughts of enlisting behind me for her. 7! won$t leave you. ! won$t %oin the
military. ! wanted in to give my life a sense of true purpose. ! wanted to %oin to fill some type of
hole in myself# but you fill it. 9ou$re good enough and ! don$t need to ris" my life or prove anything
because ! have everything ! need right here with you.8
1aige loo"ed at me for a moment# her eyes started to water over. 7!$m sorry for getting all
emotional#8 she laughed# slightly embarrassed. 79ou ma"e me feel so much and !$m probably
overreacting but ! thin" ! really love you.8
7!t$s o"ay#8 ! smiled#7you$re more than ama+ing for me and ! want to be ama+ing for you too. !$ll
never leave you. !f we end# it would be your decision# not mine. ! promise you that.;
7Good#8 she said wiping away a tear.
79ou$ve gone soft on me#8 ! remar"ed.
7.hut up#8 she giggled.
After arriving on the campsite and starting a new fire# 1aige told me that her parents were
sending her and Jill to :ancun for 1aige$s 2irthday and Jill$s late graduation gift. They were leaving
around .pring 2rea". 7My parents would hate the idea of a guy coming# but if you can afford your
own plane tic"et# ! can snea" you into the resort with me#8 she fantasi+ed.
1aige wasn$t serious# she was merely ta"ing pleasure in the idea.
Chapter "
S$ring Brea. %n ,anun
! sat beside the window on my estJet flight. !t had been a long time since ! was on a plane and !
was a little nervous. !t didn$t help when 1aige told me every story she$d heard of ta"e-off going
wrong %ust before we boarded.
estJet had a sense of humor. ;There is no smo"ing on this flight#; the captain announced during
his review of the safety procedures# ;if you$re caught smo"ing on this flight# you will be let out onto
the %et$s patio dec" to watch the movie $Gone ith The ind.$; Lho writes these haha0M
The plane ripped off the runway and gave us a five hour# birds-eye view of the Inited .tates. e
had eventually flown over (ew )rleans and started descending over the ocean. The shores of
Me,ico came into view and ! was mildly overta"en with e,citement. ! imagined endless spring
brea" and beach parties# tur<uoise waters# and a beaming warm sun.
After the plane descended onto the runway# 1aige# Jill# and ! e,ited the plane to go through
Me,ican customs while receiving a dose of warm air and moisture.
e caught a shuttle to our resort and chec"ed in at The 2each 1alace. 2y the time we got into
our rooms and settled in# it was already dar". 1aige and ! spotted a resturaunt on the beach outside
the resort. e ordered authentic Me,ican food and margaritas. The atmosphere was surreal and
dream-li"e. 1aige and ! began drin"ing our pina colada# trying to decipher if they were alcoholic or
not# coming to the conclusion that they were in fact non-alcoholic. e were wrong. !nto,ication
snea"ily crept up on her and before she reali+ed it# her face was flush and small giggles were
escaping her mouth.
;There was definitely alcohol in these#; 1aige laughed aloud.
;1aige# you$re such a lightweight#; ! teased# ;! can$t believe you would get drun" off one
margarita.;
;! don$t usually get drun" this fast# what the hec"48
A moment later# it hit me& ! leaned my head bac" and laughed. ;3oly shit# these drin"s are
strong4;
Tomorrow# we were hitting the most popular club in all of :ancun. The moment felt li"e the
calm before the storm. And it was.
Chapter $
,oo Bongo
Ever since getting off the plane# ! was bombarded with the advertisements of :oco 2ongo& ;1uts
Begas nightlife to shame#; was the tag line. !n the shuttle to the resort# billboards of :oco 2ongo
<uoted their review with the 5olling .tone& ;Begas showtime meets the party.; !n the morning while
on the beach# a small plane flew alongside the coast carrying a banner that read ;:oco 2ongo# a
spring brea"er$s paradise.;
! had arrived at :oco 2ongo with 1aige on my arm. :oco 2ongo was a OF> I./ cover charge
but included unlimited drin"s for the entire night. ! s"eptically paid it but soon felt it was worth
every penny and more. The club was filled with spring brea"ers& college students from around the
globe were going wild.
As soon as we entered# a bartender waved us over. 3e tried pushing shots on 1aige and ! but we
"ept trying to turn them down. Me,ican bartenders are the most persistent men you$ll ever meet.
79ou$re a good couple# you$re a good couple#8 he pressed# 7!$m %ust trying to get you luc"y man# you
seem li"e a real solid guy.8 After a five minute dispute# 1aige and ! decided to ta"e the shots in good
graces and ordered 'ong !sland !ced Tea$s.
1aige and ! moved out onto the lower dance floor and started moving our bodies. .he threw her
arms over me and got close to my face.
7This is really perfect# isn$t it08
7.pring 2rea" in :ancun with 1aige 'arsen# what$s regular life again08 ! laughed.
1aige nearly heeled over# she was drun"# we both indulged in more than a couple alcoholic
beverages at 1lanet 3ollywood for dinner.
A Me,ican couple in our close pro,imity were dancing and openly engaged in contact with us as
! accidentally made eye contact with the female. The male wal"ed up and started slurring some shit
into my ear as ! held my drin" in front of me# ! loo"ed away to see the female laughing to 1aige
about something. As ! turned my head bac" to the male# ! swore ! saw him slip something into my
drin".
79ou$re going to have a really good time tonight# man. En%oy it48 he shouted as 1aige
discontinued tal"ing to the Me,ican girl and pulled me away from the area.
7That bitch as"ed me if ! was into swapping48 1aige scoffed.
7!$m pretty sure that guy slipped something into my drin"#8 ! replied as ! set my drin" down on
the floor and "ic"ed it over.
7.eriously08 1aige as"ed.
7!$ve heard stories of it happening# but that$s the first time !$ve ever actually seen it go down.8
7Jesus# ! don$t even want to thin" of what they wanted with us#8 1aige said with a frea"ed out
edge to her voice.
1aige and ! continued dancing and started ma"ing out. ! ordered the bus boy to grab us a second
round of drin"s. That was 1aige$s final drin"# she was over the edge. 1aige got sic" and rationali+ed
that it was from the food at 1lanet 3ollywood# but ! "new she had too much to drin".
7e should go bac" to the resort#8 ! suggested.
7(o4 This place was way too e,pensive for you to ta"e me# some pu"ing girl# home.8
79ou$re not some girl#8 ! laughed# 7you$re my girlfriend.8
7(o#8 she said again# 7! want you to have a good time# !$ve done this stuff before# you$ve never
had the chance. ! want you to have fun and "now what it$s li"e#8 she slurred harder than ever before.
7And how do you e,pect to get home in this condition08 ! as"ed.
7!$ll wal"# ! "now where the resort is#8 she said while swaying bac" and forth.
! "ept pushing for her to let me ta"e her home but she wasn$t having it.
7e$re leaving right now. This is Me,ico# it$s dangerous# and !$m not letting you out of my sight
unless ! "now you$re safe.8
7(o#8 she said once more# 7! have to tell you something. :olin messaged me last night# he said
the best sorry ever. ! still love him. 9ou need to have fun# meet a girl.8
My stomach completely dropped# ! hoped it wasn$t a drun"en truth and %ust drun"en bullshit.
7)"ay# that$s it#8 ! yan"ed her arm and pulled her outside of the club# hailed down a cab# and as"ed
how much it would cost to get her to The 2each 1alace.
7Twenty American dollars#8 the cab driver replied.
73ere$s forty# ma"e sure she gets inside#8 ! told him as ! slammed the door shut on her.
! sent Jill an email from my i1hone e,plaining that ! sent 1aige bac" in a ta,i and to wait in the
lobby for her as she was hardly in condition to wal".
7Irgh48 ! grunted to myself# 7she better be full of shit#8 before storming bac" inside :oco
2ongo.
The club must$ve filled up with at least fifteen-hundred people across three floors. ! stood on the
highest floor loo"ing down upon thousands of people. There was an elevated area of floor in the
center of the main level. There ! spotted some of the most attractive-loo"ing American women ! had
ever laid eyes on. Their beautiful tans# pure white smiles# luscious hair# and legs that stood li"e
golden arches had hundreds of lustful men staring at them. ! "new that was where ! wanted to be.

)n the way to the main level# ! noticed how rowdy and rude drun"en American girls could be. An
employee bent down in the middle of a group of American girls and began pic"ing up the bottles
and cups they had thrown on the ground. ;hat the fuc"4; one girl shouted at him# ;what the fuc" is
he doing# why can$t he do that after closing.;
;*uc"ing Me,icans# there is something wrong with them#8 another girl scoffed.
The employee loo"ed upset and intimated as he shamefully pic"ed up their litter. ! gave one of
the girls a dirty loo" as ! wal"ed by and shoo" my head at her. .he saw me# spun around# and gave
me a shove that had little effect.
Americans as a whole weren$t as polite or careful as most :anadians. Americans were in fact
more outspo"en and said what was their mind. ! li"ed the traits embedded in American people and
their culture# you could see them at face value for the most part.
! loo"ed up toward one of the clubs many stages. A few girls were dancing in mini s"irts# they
were both perfect tens$. A spotlight moved in on them and they showed up on the large screens
throughout the venue. )ne of the girls grabbed the other and shoved her tongue into her friend$s
mouth# the crowd went wild. Just when ! thought the sight couldn$t get any better# hidden %ets on the
floor burst air from underneath the girls. Their s"irts went flying up and the whole club saw their g-
strings. The brunette grabbed her s"irt# pulled it right down# and ran off the stage in embarrassment.
! went to the bar and grabbed a vod"a sprite. Every so often the bus boy would come and "eep
bringing me drin"s# ! didn$t even have to return to the bar the entire night. !t was by the most
ama+ing club !$d ever been in. Every so often cannons would shoot loads of confetti into the air# !
"ept having to pluc" pieces of it out of my beverage.
! started chatting with two American girls by the platform.
;3ey# it loo"s li"e the party is over here4; ! shouted over the music.
;!t sure is#;one girl shouted bac"# ;e$re the coolest people here.;
;9ou are the friendliest girl !$ve met in the last...; ! paused while pretending to thin"# ;three
minutes. 'et me guess# you$re the good one and you$re the bad one#; ! said pointing to her friend.
;hat$s your name0; ! as"ed the first girl.
;Mac"en+ie#; she replied.
;(o way# you$re "idding me. ! never get along with girl$s named Mac"en+ie.; Mac"en+ie$s friend
as"ed me what my name was. ! told her and shoo" her hand as she informed me that her name Amy.
;.o what ma"es you thin" you$re good enough to tal" to us0; Amy as"ed.
! laughed it off# ;! admit# you$re both very pretty# but beauty is common. .o you got luc"y in the
gene pool# what counts is great personality# great energy# great outloo"# and what you ma"e of
yourself. !t was cute that you stepped up though.;
The girls were slightly baffled. ! brought them in close for a few pictures. ! remembered hearing
that American girls were in fact easier than :anadians but didn$t believe it. 1erhaps ! got luc"y# or
perhaps it was true.
A couple flashes from my camera and ! felt good. Mac"en+ie started grinding against me with
the seductive movement of her hips. ! decided to reward them with a true compliment#;9ou "now
what# a lot of girls bore the fuc" out of me but you girls are fun4; ! lead them further onto the dance
floor# giving them a couple spins and said to Mac"en+ie#;!$m trying so hard not to "iss you right
now. )n scale of D-D? how good of a "isser are you0;
;Ten#; she replied confidently.
;'et$s find out#; ! said while leaning into her. .he did pretty good& ! gave her a nine.
! always wanted to "iss an American girl.G crossed off my buc"et list.
e stuc" together as a group. Mac"en+ie# Amy# and ! watched ama+ing shows. There was a
massive Tron reenactment where men in neon suits were battling it out with glowing discs# and
acrobats were flipping through the air overhead.
After the show ended# the most well-groomed pair of males ! had ever seen came into our
pro,imity. )ne of them approached me and shouted into my ear# ;.ee that girl over there# she$s been
chec"ing out for the last couple minutes# !$ve been watching# go tal" to her.; 3e pointed to a girl a
couple groups away as his friend swooped in and started whispering things into Mac"en+ie and
Amy$s ears. !t was obvious that the male tal"ing to me was trying to distract me while his friend
tried to steal my girls from underneath my nose.
To be honest# ! was <uite intimidated. The males spo"e with 2ritish accents# they conveyed very
high value# they were tall# had perfect golden tans# dirty blonde hair# and loo"ed li"e they had a lot
of money due to the designer clothing they were wearing.
! felt the girls presence shift away from me. ! was losing them.
;!$m pretty sure she was loo"ing at you#; ! said loudly# ;she loo"s li"e a true gold digger. 9ou two
would be perfect for each other.; ! pushed him out of the way and intercepted Mac"en+ie and the
alpha male while he was continuing to whisper in her ear. ;3ey man# what do you call that hair cut0
!t$s so cool# ! want one e,actly li"e it so ! can show all my friends how a 2ritish douche-bag attracts
women.;
;This haircut was over two-hundred dollars# loo" at your hair# it loo"s li"e you got it done on
some street corner.;
;/ude# you$re li"e my personal assistant# %ust "eep the advice coming4; ! said and gave him a
complete DH? degree turn bac" to the girls. The 2ritish guy placed his hand on my shoulder and !
spun around and "noc"ed it off. ;3ands off the merchandise# buddy4; ! loo"ed around and <uite a
few people in the pro,imity were loo"ing. ! noticed a few security guards standing a few metres
away watching and the 2ritish chaps did too. They <uic"ly bac"ed off and ! turned around to the
girls and <uic"ly apologi+ed# ;.orry# ! don$t "now what their problems were. ! hope they weren$t
getting too pushy. ;
;9eah# what was their problem4; Amy said.
!t was stunning to see how <uic"ly the tables could turn. The 2ritish guy$s were trying to treat
me li"e some chump and they were probably used to ta"ing girls from people with their designer
clothing# e,pensive haircuts# 2ritish accents# and coc"y demeanor.
###
! wo"e up with a hangover and got up to go on a tour to the Mayan 5uins. All our tours were
boo"ed before we even came to Me,ico so ! had to s<uee+e my partying in where ! could.
The ancient city we were visiting was named :hichen !t+a. !t was about a two hour bus ride from
:ancun. )n the way we stopped at a massive sin" hole that was partially flooded with water. e
travelled into the caves and came out into the sin"hole. An opening from above shone the most
beautiful ray of light in the center of the hole. The tour guide informed everyone that inside the sin"
hole they used to sacrifice people there believing that if they drowned one of their strongest
warriors# the gods would give them the rain they so desperately needed.
They allowed the tourists to swim in the water before we departed to the ancient city of :hichen
!t+a. As ! was in the water# ! reali+ed that ! was probably swimming above century year old bodies
and nearly pu"ed after ! accidently swallowed some of the water.
:hichen !t+a was stunning. ! stood in a pla+a staring up at the immense pyramid# it was one the
world$s seven wonders. Along the pyramid there were names and graffiti scratched into the stone# it
was a shame that some people had no respect for the history and cultural significance that the
pyramid stood for.
The tour guide e,plained that archeological evidence had shown that the Mayan structures all
had color. The pyramid in the figure below was red with sections of tur<uoise.
The tour guide also e,plained that if he was standing at the top of the pyramid he could spea" to
us in a normal voice and we would be able to hear him clearly without him having to raise his
voice. Anyone standing at the top or inside the pyramid could hear everything that was going on
within one s<uare "ilometre.
The tour guide started clapping# a few of the visitors and myself followed his clapping in repetition.
hat followed was the most intriguing sound# it was unli"e anything !$d ever heard. )ur claps were
echoing from the top of the pyramid and the sound was travelling across the pla+a with perfect
clarity.
(e,t we had wal"ed in between two great walls with a giant stone hoop at each side. This was
where the Mayans played their sport. ! was standing in the biggest arena of it$s type ever discovered#
the Mayans they would host a game every year and it was to the Maya as to what our .uperbowl is
to us.
*rom wall to wall you could spea" in a normal voice and hear each other clearly. The tour guide
mentioned that even when there was a game happening and the walls were lined with spectators and
cheering# you could still hear clearly. !t was believed to be engineering but that couldn$t be proved.
(o one really "new how the Mayans achieved such sound clarity with their structures.
The Mayans were ancient but much more advanced than we are today. The Mayans achieved no
violence against their own people for thirty years through science and psychology. The Mayans
were astronomically accurate without modern technology and machines.
A human born god was the only one who could enter the top of the pyramid and there he had all
the information to predict the weather# eclipses# many things. The human born god "new things that
no other in the entire world "new# so he had a choice: would he step out of the pyramid and
announce an eclipse to his people or would he step out of the pyramid and ma"e it appear as if he
were creating the eclipse.
###
The ne,t day# ! noticed 1aige with an enormous smile as she was on her lap top on the balcony.
;hat$s with the super happy grin0; ! as"ed.
;(othing#; 1aige said as ! could hear her closing windows on her computer.
! noticed she had a faceboo" conversation open with her e,# :olin# before she closed it. ! "new
she was hiding it. ! believed that she didn$t remember telling me about her e, the previous night as
she as"ed me how she got home. !t couldn$t have been more obvious that :olin was trying to woo
her once again and 1aige was buying into it. ! didn$t say anything and gave 1aige her space. !t was
almost insulting that 1aige assumed ! was that stupid# but ! continued on with my daily routine of
which she started to e,clude herself from immensely.
Throughout the day# 1aige was seemingly ignoring me. Everytime ! would enter the room to tal"
to her# she would split. !$d as" if she wanted to go to another club# she would say she was too tired
and then go to the beach. ! would out to beach and she would go bac" inside the resort. Jill was
pleasant enough to tal" to me but would avoid any conversation geared toward her sister. After
putting up with the displaced treatment all day# ! got frustrated and confronted 1aige in our room
which became only hers shortly after the following conversation: 7!s there anything you want to tell
me# you s"ipped out on :oco 2ongo# you s"ipped out on the Mayan 5uins and ! don$t thin" !$ve
seen you put down that laptop once. 9ou$ve been very indifferent since we got to Me,ico.8
7! thin" we moved too fast with this relationship. Things have been getting heavily committed
and ! feel li"e ! need to step bac" and thin" about where all this is going. ! %ust "ind of reali+ed
some things the other day and ! thin" we should go bac" to being friends for now.8
7.o that$s the card you want to play0 Tell :olin ! say $3i.$8 ! said coldly before turning around to
leave.
7hat ma"es you thin" !$m tal"ing to :olin08 she countered defensively.
7Too much.8
.he didn$t need to ma"e e,cuses for suddenly withdrawing her emotion# ! "new what was what. !
assumed that 1aige was going to come to her senses and reali+e what she was doing# but she didn$t.
! slept on the fold-out couch for the night.
Chapter %
+ahel of ,hiago 2 3ara of Toronto
! went down to the beach to catch some sunshine and improve my tan. ! laid down on a tanning
chair and soa"ed in the light for about an hour. ! got up# loo"ed around and spotted an attractive girl
that had the perfect golden tan. ! was still pale white after spending three days in Me,ico# so !
decided to use my s"in tone as a conversation starter. .he wal"ed out onto the pier and ! made my
way to her.
;9ou got a really nice tan#; ! complimented# ;!s there a tric" to getting that perfect golden tan0
!$ve been here all wee" and !$m still pretty white.;
;(ot really# you %ust lay in the sun for a long time and you get there.;
;9eah# pretty straight forward#; ! said while ! dove into the clear teal water. hen ! came up she
advised that ! %ump into water and get wet every twenty minutes.
;!t speeds up your tanning#; she said as she %umped into the water beside me.
! as"ed her if she was American. .he was from :hicago# !llinois and her name was 5achel& she
was staying at the same resort ! was. !t turned out that it was her forth time in :ancun and she was
consistently vacationing in e,otic areas.
! informed her ! was :anadian and she told me she thought ! had that type of accent. e got deep
into a conversation about the differences between our cultures. 5achel wondered if :anada had a
1resident# if there was snow all year round# and we somehow got into tal"ing about natural disasters
and J?DJ on the Mayan :alender. The conversation shifted to how other cultures thin" Americans
are brutally unintelligent. ! assured her that ! assumed many Americans were in fact very smart and
that the not-so-smart ones were commonly put in the spotlight.
e got out of the water# sat down on the pier leaving our feet dipped in the water. 5achel was
mirroring some of my movements and her body language was very inviting so ! decided to ris" it# !
leaned in to "iss her and she lightly "issed me bac".
! pulled away and she smiled. ! leaned bac" in but she put her hand up bloc"ing my face.
;My family is on the beach watching me#8 she warned# 7so ! got to "eep it 1G rated. ! don$t want
them giving me hell for "issing a :anadian boy.;
A woman began wal"ing over from the beach and sat down near 5achel and !. The woman
loo"ed very young# ! thought she was 5achel$s sister until she informed otherwise& she was 5achel$s
aunt.
5achel and ! carried small tal" under the watchful eye of her aunt. ! wanted to "iss 5achel and !
"new she did too. e both wanted her aunt to leave# eventually thirty minutes passed and she was
still sitting behind us. ! "new she wasn$t going to go anywhere until we were split up. ! wanted to
as" if we could meet up later but didn$t want to raise any alarms with her careful relatives.
;!$m going to head bac" to the beach#; ! told her.
;)h# it was really nice meeting you#; 5achel told me as she mee"ly shoo" my hand.
! wal"ed bac" onto the beach and ! noticed 5achel and her aunt begin to head bac" as well. ! laid
down and continued tanning for twenty more minutes. ! too" my sun glasses off and loo"ed around
the beach# 5achel was laying on a tanning chair a few yards down the beach and her family was
nowhere to be seen.
! made my move& ! wal"ed over to her and as"ed# ;Are you busy tonight0 ! was wondering if you
wanted to hang out later.;
;.ure#; she said casually. ;.orry for my aunt by the way# ! %ust wanted her to go away but she$s
really overprotective.
7! understand#8 ! smiled.
7My family wants to go shopping in a bit# we might be bac" by H:?? tonight. !s that too late0;
;Eight is fine# .ee you then.8
.he "new it was a date.
! retreated to the resort room and 1aige was on her lap top as usual. ! stood in the doorway#
leaning against it.
;! met someone today.; ! said# announcing my presence.
;9ou did0;
;:ute American girl. 3er name$s 5achel. e have a date at eight$o$cloc".;
;hy are you telling me this0; 1aige as"ed with concerned loo" on her face.;
;2ecause# ! want you to as" me not to go. ! want you to stop me. Tell me that this isn$t right.;
;! don$t "now if ! can. ! don$t "now how ! feel.;
;! will go meet this girl unless you tell me not to. ! will do something that ! can$t ta"e bac". .o
you need to find yourself and ma"e this decision right now.;
;!$m sorry# Jordan. 9ou should go meet her. ! won$t hold it against you.;
;! see. 9ou really don$t care anymore. !f you loved me# you wouldn$t be so indifferent about this.
9ou$d be fighting for me with your teeth and nails# you$d be screaming at me for even wondering
how ! could consider such a thing.;
;! don$t "now what to say.;
;!t$s over# 1aige. ! won$t wait for you to decide if you want me or not. ! won$t be an option to you
while you$re my priority. ! will never submit myself to that "ind of treatment.;
! wal"ed out of the room# letting a single tear escape my eye before ! demanded composure from
myself.
Eight came by sooner than e,pected and ! and went down to the beach hoping she would be there
on time. .he wasn$t there and ! waited for about twenty minutes. ! was feeling a little down on my
luc"# she stood me up.
Maybe it was a sign. Maybe this was the universe$s way of telling me to fight for 1aige.
###
The ne,t day ! stayed inside and didn$t dare to go out until after dar". ! was suffering from mild
heat stro"e# ! was sweating in bed all day and had the sha"es# felt li"e pu"ing# and had a booming
headache. ! was red as an overripe tomato# and it hurt to touch everything. All this suffering had
better turn into a great tan# ! thought to myself.
Around midnight# ! wal"ed out to the pool area of the resort. A group of drun"en J>-=> year olds
were chatting and smo"ing cigars at a patio set. To my horror# ! saw a muscle toned man %ot along
side the pool and %ump in completely nude.
;)h my god# loo" at this terrified guy#; A woman shouted# ;he %ust wal"ed out at the worst
possible moment to see Mi"e %umping in the pool.8
;hat the hell did ! %ust wal" in on0; ! as"ed# slightly humoured.
;:ome over here. .it down# ma"e yourself at home#8 A blonde told me. 3er face was mildly
aged but she was still very attractive. .he was in her mid thirties# ! presumed. hen ! came to the
table ! was introduced to a man named /arren who offered me a cigar. ! gracefully accepted and sat
down at the woman$s re<uest.
The blonde presented herself as 'aureen. A brunette at the table shoo" my hand and said her
name was 6ara# and the final female presented herself as Emily.
The only other male ! didn$t "now was a .cottish speeched gentleman named Gale. Everyone at
the table claimed to feel sorry for the poor American who wal"ed in on the na"ed guy. ! corrected
them and told them ! was :anadian. They welcomed me even further "nowing that ! shared their
citi+enship.
;here in :anada are you from0; 6ara as"ed. 6ara loo"ed the closest to my age# she was
twenty-si,.
;!$m from (elson# 2ritish :olumbia. !t$s considered the pot smo"ing capital of :anada#; !
e,plained with a touch of coc"iness.
;)h we "now#; Mi"e said aloud as he got dressed and sat down at the table# 7we$ve been there
before.8
The ladies burst out laughing# ma"ing remar"s of me. e$re all a decade older than him and
we$re probably ma"ing him feel li"e such an outcast4; 'aureen said.
;(ot at all. !f anything# ! thin" you guy$s are a little more wild than me#; ! replied.
;That$s how most young people are. The younger you are# the more mature you are at heart# but
the older you get# the more li"e us you become# more immature than spring brea"ers#; they
chuc"led.
;That$s so true#; the one named Mi"e proclaimed. 3e started getting nude again and too" a dive
into the pool# his bare ass was magnified under the ripples of the water. 6ara noticed this and
laughed uncontrollably while ma"ing a comment about it.
;That$s %ust one more reason to not trust Air :anada pilots#; /arren claimed.
The group started ma"ing %o"es about Mi"e$s piloting. !t wasn$t until about ten minutes that !
reali+ed Mi"e truly was in fact a pilot.
;! will never fly with Mi"e because his landings ma"e feel li"e the whole %et is going to do a
nose dive into the runway and blow the fuc" up#; /arren remar"ed.
;!f you ever get him as a pilot#; Emily spo"e aloud# ;get off the fuc"ing plane. 3e has the most
rough landings ever. ! thin" !$m going to die every time ! fly with him.;
;ait a minute# he is actually an Air :anada pilot0; ! as"ed s"eptically. ! didn$t believe it.
;9eah# he$s my husband4; 6ara said in pure honesty# ;3ere# have some of this; she told me as she
grabbed a glass from the bar and poured it full of cooler that they had at the table. ;!t$s only five
percent but at least !$m giving you a drin".;
6ara "ept catching eye contact with me and holding it throughout the interaction.
Emily loo"ed at me# ;Mi"e is actually a great pilot. 9ou$$ll never be safer than with him flying
the plane. .o ne,t time you fly# go with Air :anada. Trust us.;
;9ou "now# !$ve been with Air :anada a few times and the flight with total shit. 9ou "now why0
2ecause Mi"e wasn$t flying the plane4; ! %o"ed.
The group laughed wildly.
;*uc" man# you$re the coolest twenty-one year old to hang out with us#; Mi"e told me as he came
bac" from the pool dripping wet# ;Actually you$re the only twenty-one year old to hang out with us.
!$m going to give you my email. Anytime you want free reservations and all inclusive# hit me up4;
3e wrote down his email for me.
;/on$t hold him to it. 3e$s too drun" to even remember you#; 6ara said# ;but !$ll remember you.
!$m good li"e that.;
! couldn$t help getting the feeling that 6ara had been flirting with me ever since ambivalent
arrival.
The entire group decided to go %ump in the ocean down the beach# far from where 6ara and !
remained by the patio.
;hy don$t you %oin them0; ! as"ed 6ara.
;Their shenanigans get a little old after some time#; she told me# ;come with me# we$re going to
do our own thing.; ! stood <uietly as ! followed her to the swimming pool. .he pulled her clothes
off and %umped into the pool completely na"ed.
! stood there li"e an idiot.
;Are you going to %oin me or wait for my husband to come bac"#8 6ara said to me.
! loo"ed down at the beach# they all seemed busy having a good time. ! too" all my clothes off
and %umped in beside her.
79ou seem pretty innocent#8 6ara moc"ed.
7!$m far from it#8 ! countered.
79our confidence is certainly there#8 she replied.
7hat do you thin" draws the line between an innocent man and the opposite08 ! as"ed her.
7E,perience#8 6ara stated# she was loo"ing at me intensely.
7! have a lot of that.8
! reali+ed what ! was doing# ! reali+ed what she was doing. .he had me <ualifying myself to her#
! should$ve been ma"ing her <ualify herself to me# it wasn$t too late to turn the tables.
7.o what do you have going for yourself other than your loo"s08
79ou mean other than the fact that !$m married to a man who has one of the highest paying %obs
in (orth America0 !$m one of the best lays you could have# !$m snea"y# smart# and ! li"e younger
men.8
! "new what was happening# the whole situation didn$t feel real# it seemed the cliche wor"ings of
a movie# but it wasn$t a movie and ! saw an opportunity. ! loo"ed down the beach# her husband was
nowhere in sight so ! boldly made the move. ! "issed her and she stuc" her tongue in my mouth.
! pulled bac" and loo"ed into her eyes. .he was grinning and ! was shoc"ed over what ! had
done# ! was shoc"ed over what she was doing. ! chec"ed for her husband again and she noticed that.
79ou$re so innocent.8
73ow do you figure that08 ! as"ed.
79ou$re hesitant. 9ou$re careful. Although !$m impressed that you$re only twenty-one.8
7!$ve been through a lot.8
7'i"e what08
7(ear death e,periences# immense loss# disloyal women# heartache.8
7ere you in love08
7! was.8
7'ove corrupts. ! thin" love is a lie and it$s one big game.8
7!s that why you$re doing this right now08
6ara nodded.
! understood. 6ara was five years older than me# she was married# and she was fuc"ing around
on her husband when he wasn$t far and could easily catch us.
as love really %ust a myth# a %o"e# a game of attraction to played and won. as it a means of
having control or power over another$s emotion0 Even if love was genuine# it almost always had an
e,piry date# most will always and eventually fall out of love.
! thought about 1aige# how immensely deep our emotion and connection ran# and how real our
$love$ felt. Then it was so easily compromised and her whole character toward me did a DH? degree
shift. ! felt betrayed. That moment of heartbrea" was where ! truly wanted to turn my bac" on
innocence.
6ara thought that hesitation and carefulness were <ualities of innocence# so ! showed none. !n
that moment of letting 1aige go and accepting what was# ! e,erted myself into 6ara. ! pushed her
bac" against the edge of the pool and "issed her intensely. .he wrapped her legs around me as ! felt
her breasts. ! felt li"e ! was living out some sic" fantasy spawned of a corrupt marriage# and !
probably was.
6ara slipped out of the pool and gestured me to follow. ! grabbed my clothes as did she. !
followed her bac" into the resort lobby and we too" an elevator up to =Hth floor.
.he unloc"ed her room$s door with the "ey card and laid down on the bed waiting for me. ! stood
there for a moment li"e an idiot thin"ing ! was getting in too deep.
! snapped out of my thought and pulled her thong down her legs. ! went down on her and began
spelling the A2:$s with my tongue. .he spread her legs even further and moaned loudly. ;Just fuc"
me#; she said aloud. ! pulled my shorts off in a hurry and went inside her. .he moaned and twisted
her body as ! continued inside her. ! was getting close and she "new it. ;:um inside me#; she said#
;!$m on birth control.; ! got to my clima, as she did. 3er grasp tightened around me and she dug her
nails into my bac".
.he finally released when the moment was over. ;Than" you#; she managed to say under her
hard breaths# ;get out.;
;hat0; ! replied.
;Get out#; 6ara repeated# ;unless you want Mi"e to come bac" any minute to beat the living shit
out of you.;
! immediately got the point and wal"ed out of the room overwhelmed and breathing heavily. !
got the ne,t elevator to my floor# 1aige and Jill were asleep and ! %umped onto the foldout bed. !
made it my goal to sleep with an attractive young# American girl. !nstead ! slept with an attractive#
mature but still young# :anadian woman. :lose enough.
! laid awa"e for hours thin"ing about what happened and 1aige. hat happened felt weird and so
out of place. 1aige to be shifting away from me felt wrong# li"e destiny strayed from it$s path. To
sleep with a married women so promiscuously seemed out of character for myself and ! felt sic" out
of guilt for the act !$d done.
These things didn$t feel right to me and nothing good appeared to hold weight for me anymore. !
was losing my sense of reality and life felt li"e a game. ithout something good and real in my life
how could ! stay grounded0 ! deserved better than this.
Chapter &
Submerged
! headed out for !sla Mu%eres# it was large island a couple miles off the coast of :ancun. ! sat on
a catamaran that was flowing up and down the waves on a windy day. A diving instructor was
wal"ing up and down the boat as"ing tourists if they were interested in going for a dive a few
"ilometres off the coast of the island. 3e made the offer to me and ! declined. The instructor named
/ario insisted that it was an unforgettable e,perience and showed me some pictures of his previous
dives.
! became interested and let him tal" me into it. ! paid the fee and filled out some waivers. The
instructor tal"ed a pair of girls sitting right in front of me to go on the dive too. They were both
moderately attractive so ! didn$t mind. )ne of the women had a nice golden tan# long dirty-blonde
hair# and a se,y surfer loo". 3er friend was dar" s"inned and she spo"e in Jamaican dialect.
hen we arrived at the island# we waited for a boat to transport us to the diving location that was
forty-five minutes late. /uring the drawn-out wait# the girls were sitting at the table ne,t to mine.
;!s this your girls$ first dive0; ! as"ed.
They both replied with a yes.
;!$m a little scared. This is my first time doing anything li"e this#; the blonde told me.
;! "now what you mean. !$m a little nervous about it myself. ! too" a short scuba instruction
course in 3awaii# it was limited to a pool# but ! found that it felt li"e ! was running out of air when
breathing from the tan"# even though you$re not.;
;)h god#; the blonde put her hands up to her face# ;don$t tell me that.;
;!$m sure you$ll be fine. !t was about eight years ago.;
The Jamaican girl as"ed me what my name was and we all got through introductions. The blonde
was 6elsey# and the Jamaican was Aleah. They were best friends and came to :ancun together.
;3ow old are you0; Aleah as"ed. ! noticed she was good at dropping random <uestions when
they passed through her mind.
;Twenty-one# and you two are...;
;(ineteen and nineteen.;
;/o ! loo" my age0; ! as"ed the girls. They both nodded.;)"ay# %ust wondering. ! went to :oco
2ongo a few nights ago and the bouncer told me he thought ! loo"ed si,teen. ! was li"e whaaat0;
;)h no way# you definitely loo" over twenty at least#8 Aleah replied.
;here you girls from0;
;Michigan.;
6elsey got into telling me a story about how she nearly had to cancel her trip to :ancun. .he had
everything ready# pac"ed up her bags and went to the airport with Aleah. After she arrived# she
reali+ed her passport was e,pired. .o they had to wait two wee"s# buy new plane tic"ets# boo"
another resort# and drive all the way to :hicago to ta"e the ne,t availble flight to :ancun.
The boat finally arrived.
As the boat was speeding away from the doc"# the instructor distributed our gear and verbally
taught us how to use it. )ur first run was going to be the crash course without prior e,perience or
training.
The further away from the island we got# surprisingly# the less nervous ! became and the more
e,cited ! was. ! was eager to get into the water.
6elsey "ept closing her eyes and leaving them shut for minutes at a time. ! as"ed her if she was
sea sic".
;(o# ! love boat rides. ! li"e to %ust close my eyes and feel the waves. !t$s rela,ing.;
! tried it out and closed my eyes with her. .he was right# it did feel rela,ing.
e put our wet suits on# mas"s# fins# and the boat stopped. )ne by one# we fastened our counter
weights# air tan"s# and then leaned bac"ward off the boat and into the water.
6elsey and ! were the final two on the boat# ;3opefully there aren-t any shar"s around#8 ! %o"ed.
;/on$t even %o"e about that4; 6elsey said# raising her voice and shooting me a very serious yet
silly loo"# ;9ou have no idea how deathly afraid ! am of shar"s.;
;!t$ll be o"ay# !$m sure most of them are friendly.;
6elsey raised her hand and smac"ed me on the arm# ;!t$s not funny4; she laughed.
6elsey and ! got into the water. e %oined the rest of the divers behind the boat and grabbed onto
a rope that trailed from it.
;1ut your faces in the water and loo" down. .tay li"e that for the ne,t ten minutes. !t$s the only
way to get used to it. /on$t let go of the rope#; the instructor# /ario# e,plained.
/ario helped me submerge first# ! didn$t get enough time to get used to breathing and ! became
very disorientated about half way down. ! started to have an an,iety attac". My mas" filled halfway
with water# my ears became pained from the pressure# and ! felt li"e ! was suffocating. ! "ept giving
/ario the hand signal to ascend but he wouldn$t allow it. ! released some of the water from my mas"
li"e ! was taught to on the boat and persisted to give the instructor the hand signal to ascend. /ario
was unrelenting and ! gave in as he guided me further down the rope until ! stood at the sandy
bottom of the sea. ! finally became rela,ed and calm# ! adapted to the breathing pattern but ! still
felt li"e ! was mildly suffocating.
/ario went to descend 6elsey ne,t. As 6elsey came down# she loo"ed li"e she was in a greater
panic than !. .he wasn$t watching what she was doing as she descended and "ic"ed me in the face
which dislodged my mas". .alt water burned my eyes and ! desparately tried to place the mas" and
get a proper seal which was a little difficult being blind underwater. !t too" me several moments to
release the water from the mas"# ! had to tilt my head bac" and continue blowing air into the mas"
through my nose until ! could see again. 6elsey was before me reali+ing what she had done and
tried to communicate an immense apology. ! gave her the hand signal letting her "now ! was o"ay.
6elsey and ! waited for several minutes until the rest of the group came down without Aleah. (ot
"nowing what happened to Aleah# we followed /ario as he too" us around the coral reef. !t was a
another world on the ocean floor. e swam alongside schools of fish and observed sea turtles. !
swam right up to turtle and ran my hand over it$s shell. ! waved 6elsey over and she loo"ed ama+ed
to do the same.
! shoc"ingly lost all sense of direction under the water. e came around a large part of the reef
and came bac" over it li"e we were bac"trac"ing. !nstead of seeing familiar ground# a whole new
area of the reef came into view. henever ! stopped to loo" at something# ! usually couldn$t
decipher which direction ! came from.
After forty-five minutes of e,ploration# ! decided to chec" my air gauge. !t was running pretty
low and the pin had %ust dropped into the red section of the gauge. ! swam over to /ario and
showed him# he signaled that it was o"ay. ! "ept a close eye on the gauge and noticed it was
dropping abnormally fast. /ario$s assistant swam over and pointed at my mouth piece# he too" a
close loo" and grabbed my gauge. 3is eyes widened and he pulled me upward with urgency. ! felt
disorientated again and then ! "new for a fact that ! had no air left. The assistant pulled the regulator
out of my mouth# and gave me his. e continued trading the regulator every couple breaths of air so
that we could both ma"e it to the surface. ! gasped as ! came out of submersion& it felt ama+ing to
breathe fresh air again. ! loo"ed around and couldn$t spot the boat anywhere.
;)ver there#; he instructed. ! spotted the boat a great distance in the hori+on.
The s"ies had become windy and we had to fight over large waves that toppled a few feet over
our heads. ! swallowed salt water a couple times and gagged while trying not to pu"e.
;6eep this in#8 my savior told me# bec"oning toward the mouth piece.
My air tan" was completely depleted and the regulator could no longer serve any purpose. !
consistently pushed through a wave and opened my mouth to breathe as the ne,t wave would stri"e
me# instead of air# ! got gulp fulls of salt water. ! was e,hausted fighting against the waves and !
thought ! was done for until about half way to the boat# it finally spotted us.
The boat launched through the waves until it slowed down beside us. !t$s operator placed a ladder
over the edge of the boat and ! climbed bac" in to see Aleah sitting down loo"ing sic". ! too" my
gear off and sat down beside her catching my breathe.
;! thin" there was an air lea" in your regulator#; /ario$s assistant told me# ;you shouldn$t have
run out of air that fast. !t was a good thing we got you up when we did.;
;! can$t...believe...that happened#; ! managed to murmur# panting li"e a dog.
3e nodded and %umped bac" in the water to return to the group.
;/on$t tell me you were up here the entire time#; ! said to Aleah after regaining my composure.
;9eah# ! felt really sea-sic". .till do#; she mumbled.
Everyone else started surfacing near the boat. 6elsey came up first and tiredly sat down beside
me.
;3ow you come you went up so early0;
;! ran out of air. *rom the sounds of it# ! had only moments to spare.;
;)h my god# that$s scary4 ! found a really cool yellow fish and wanted to show you but ! saw you
going up.;
;hat did you thin" of the e,perience0; ! as"ed her.
;!t was so ama+ing. ! thin" !$m going to ma"e this a hobby. 9ou0;
;The same# ! definitely want to do this again# but with reliable e<uipment.;
Eventually everyone had climbed aboard. The boat started cutting through the water and too" us
bac" to the island. ! decided to purchase the /B/ containing photos and underwater video of the
e,perience.
The greatest part of the vacation was that it was all-inclusive. All my meals# drin"s# facilities#
tours# were covered in one price. ! stepped up to the bar counter near the doc" on !sla Mu%eres and
ordered a :arribean .ea& it was Jamaican rum# blue curacao# coconut cream# and pineapple %uice G
delicious4
The Me,icans running the tour got most of the tourists winded up. A Me,ican with a goofy smile
was running around with a bottle of te<uila and was pouring a stream of it into tourist mouths.
! got hit up and "ept my head tilted bac". About ten seconds passed and the stream was still
pouring. 1eople were getting into a repetitive clap and cheering for me. Another few seconds passed
and ! pushed the bottle away from me. !t burned down my throat and ! "new it was going to hit me
soon.
6elsey found me and called me an alcoholic. ;! didn$t see you ta"e your te<uila shot yet#; !
teased.
! handed her my :aribbean .ea and she was instantly hoo"ed# she wouldn$t stop ordering them. !
began feeling the te<uila and ! "new 6elsey was getting a bu++ on. e sat by the beach together.
;.o you$re staying at the same resort as ! am#; ! brought up.
;3ow would you "now that0; she as"ed# a little s"eptical.
;9our wrist band# 1alace 5esorts# ! saw it on you while we were underwater.;
;)h# aren-t you smart.;
;! li"e to thin" so.;
.he then planted the biggest surprise "iss on my mouth that ! had ever e,perienced.
;hoa# what was that4; ! stammered.
;! don$t "now#; she giggled.
;Get over here#; ! said as ! pulled her bac" toward me# engaging in serious lip loc".
! loo"ed up for a moment and spotted Aleah giving me the most evil glare. !t loo"ed li"e she was
ready to come over and wor" some cra+y voodoo on me.
The rest of the night was bliss. 6elsey and ! made plans to meet on the s"y dec" the ne,t
morning. )ur resort had a large pool and bar that sat at the top of the s"yscraper that overloo"ed the
city and ocean.
#rom left to rightF un"no%n* myself* /elsey.
Chapter 1(
The &oon Palae
6elsey and ! caught a shuttle to a sister resort located thirty minutes south of :ancun. hen we
arrived# we were in awe. The si+e of the resort could easily ma"e up a moderate town# and the main
lobby was the si+e of a shopping mall. The Moon 1alace was home to seven swimming pools# si,
restaurants# two signature golf courses# world class spa$s# free use of boats# sea-doo$s# "aya"s#
dolphin activities# and the li<our was still free.
hat shoc"ed me the most was the women& the pool area was pac"ed with them. 3undreds of
beautiful college girls in bi"ini$s were drin"ing# partying# and laying around catching rays. Every
girl was gorgeous# ! couldn$t spot a single overweight# or unattractive female.
!t was more than a paradise and more vast than any fantasy or dream ! ever had.
Music was booming over the area and ! could hear an M: bringing people in toward an event.
6elsey and ! investigated the commotion and arrived %ust in time for a beer drin"ing contest. e
were eager to participate but the deadline to sign up had passed.
Twenty men and twenty women stood apart with a pedestal in between. The M: e,plained that
the men would compete between each other# they had to finish there beer and then crush their
plastic cup over their forehead. The first one to do this won the round.
The women also had to compete amongst themselves# had to finish their beer# but instead of
crushing their cup on their forehead# they had to sha"e their booties for the crowd.
! was li"ing the event more and more by the moment.
After the winner from both the male and female group were found# the two would represent their
gender and compete in one final round. The pri+e was an international cruise for two.
.ome introductions were made# most of the males were from either Michigan or !ndiana and one
was from the Inited 6ingdom.
Most of the women were American with the e,ception of one 2ritish mother and a women from
Bene+uela.
The men competed. The 2ritish chap went against a Michigan frat boy. The frat boy won and
smac"ed his fists against his chest and raised them in the air. The Americans were intently
competitive# they really too" their alpha male demeanor to new heights.
The 2ritish mother competed with a young American girl. The M: started hitting on the mother
and ma"ing a big %o"e of it. 3e pointed out her son to the crowd as he had a disgusted loo" on his
face. ;
.orry "iddo# !$m going to be you$re new step father4; The M: remar"ed.
The teenage son started booing.
The mother won against the American girl and she started to sha"e her booty for the crowd.
;)h god# mom4 (o4; her son shouted.
The crowd laughed wildly as the mother and son became the center of attention.
As the competition endured# there were many laughs and entertaining reactions as the contestants
were getting noticeably into,icated toward the finals. The cutest American girl was starting to
wobble and she forfeited in an amusing manner. .he went to %ump into the pool near 6elsey and !
and she slipped on the edge before slamming her chest into the curb around the pool. ! could only
imagine how painful that was on her breasts. .he cried out in pain and then started to laugh it off.
A male from !ndiana ended up winning the contest. After it was over# countless drun" Americans
dispersed around the pool area and onto the beach.
6elsey and ! went down to the beach and got involved in a game of beach volley ball. Every time
the ball touched the sand# the person who was at fault had to drin". !t was arranged for men against
women. 6elsey got really competitive with me# it was so cute. The women served the ball first and !
%umped up and bumped it bac" over the net. 6elsey %umped in to counter but "noc"ed it into the net.
;/rinnn"4; one of the guys on my team rooted. e continued to volley the ball bac" and forth
between teams and ! "noc"ed it in 6elsey$s direction e,pecting her to fumble the ball again. .he
smac"ed it right at me# ! shot my hands up but was too late. The ball hit me dead in the face. !
shamefully too" a gulp from my :orona. ! served the ball toward 6elsey and she shot it up toward
me again# ! "noc"ed it bac" over the net# and 6elsey pushed it bac" at me. !t seemed my whole
team got out of my way as 6elsey and ! shot the ball bac" and forth at each other# it turned into a
competition purely between the two of us. 2oth of our teams merely observed as the tension was
rising. Eventually my hands slipped and ! had to finish my beer.
After a good hour# 6elsey and ! went for a wal" down the beach. ;9ou screwed up at first# !
e,pected you to be bad# but then you blew me away#; ! told 6elsey.
;! was on the high school volley ball team#; she smiled immensely.
;)f course you would be#; ! laughed.
e spotted a pier loaded with sea-doos further down the beach# 6elsey and ! in<uired# and we
too" one out into the water. .he held onto me from behind as ! pushed it to full speed. !t too" me
some time to get used to how to operate the machine# but ! started to get the hang of it and went
flying through the water. ! was getting air off the waves and having a blast. 6elsey was getting
frea"ed out when the waves started growing in si+e into the blue abyss.
76elsey# how much air do you thin" we can get off that wave over there08 ! as"ed.
7)h god# don$t do it48 she shouted.
! sent the sea-doo into full speed and went flying toward it. 2ig mista"e. ! went too fast over the
wave and the sea-doo practically did a nose dive into the wave that came after. The whole sea-doo
dove underwater as the wave toppled over 6elsey and !. ! swallowed a mouthful of sea-water and !
could hear 6elsey coughing away behind me.
;)h my god# ! want to go bac". :an we please go bac"# ! don$t li"e this at all#8 she begged.
! nodded and ! too" us bac" toward the pier. The waves were still %ust as intense and we were out
pretty far. 6elsey held onto my so tightly# ! couldn$t help but en%oy her worry.
hen ! doc"ed the machine# 6elsey got off in a hurry. ;!$m sorry#; she said# ;! didn$t thin" it
would be that bad.;
;!t wasn$t that bad# but yeah# ! didn$t li"e diving into that one wave either. .ea water is
disgusting.;
;!t was your cra+y driving4; 6elsey scowled.
! raised an eyebrow# reached off the doc"# grabbed a clump of sea weed and flic"ed it at her. .he
screamed. ;That$s because you$re so cute#; ! flirted.
e went bac" to the pool area and ! spotted a girl in a red bi"ini wal" past me with a colourful#
layered drin". !t was green at the top# yellow in the middle# and red at the bottom. ! stopped her to
as" what it was& a 2ob Marley. ! ordered one for 6elsey and ! from one of the pool$s swim-up bars.
G ! was really into trying out new drin"s considering they were all-inclusive.
6elsey was starting to get mad at me for the consistency ! was chec"ing out other girls in.
;The girl you as"ed about the 2ob Marley# the one in the red bi"ini# yeah# ! "now you were into
her.;
;.hut up4 ! was %ust dumbstruc" by the colourful drin"# and the girl in the red bi"ini was li"e the
perfect advertisement for it. ho wouldn$t want to drin" what she was drin"ing0;
;)h my god# you...; 6elsey smac"ed me in the arm instead of finishing her sentence.
6elsey and ! went shopping at some of the resort$s gift shops. ! bought a cool loo"ing t-shirt that
6elsey said loo"ed good on me. ! bought 6elsey a pretty nec"lace so that she had something to
remember me by. .he then bought me a ten ounce silver chain from a vendor after chec"ing for a
number print# and scratching the inside of a lin" to chec" for its authenticity. *orty American dollars
for ten ounces# ama+ing deal considering silver was O=J.FH per ounce in :anada at the time.
After dar"# we sat down at the beach. !t was immensely blissful with the sound of the waves
smoothly rolling onto the shore# the glistening stars in the s"y# and the warm bree+e sifting through
our hair.
;!$ve been thin"ing#; 6elsey spo"e# ;! don$t "now much about you other than you$re :anadian.;
;! don$t "now much about you other than you$re American# you$re deathly afraid of shar"s# you
don$t li"e big waves# you$re afraid of sea weed# but you li"e to spend lots of your time by the ocean.
hat$s up with that0; ! %o"ed.
;3ey4 ! was trying to have a serious a serious conversation. .eriously tell me something about
yourself.;
;Alright# alright# !$ve been through a lot# !$m mentally hardened and strong due to the things !$ve
gone through# ! ma"e seemingly impossible goals for myself because ! want to be e,traordinary but
! constantly beat myself up for not being the best. ! shouldn$t even be telling you this# wow# the
li<uor is getting to me.;
;(o# this is good. 9esterday when ! met you ! could tell that there was something great about
you. .omething that no one else had.;
! was flattered.
;6elsey# ! can tell what "ind of person you are. 9ou have this innocence about you. 9ou haven$t
been hurt a lot have you0 2ecause the way you carry yourself shows in your attitude# you have this
calm# rela,ed# and positive way about you. Even though you have your fears# you accept them and
don$t let them hold you bac" from your e,periences. !$m pretty sure that ! "now you haven$t been
hurt by any romantic interest because you$re open. ! don$t sense any walls in you at all and you$re
full of this good# positive energy. !t$s ama+ing.;
6elsey blushed. ;!$ve li"ed a lot of guys but !$ve never been in love. ! want to e,perience it but
the right person hasn$t come along#8 she said# her thoughts deepening.
(o man wants to hear that their is something out there better than them# but ! saw this as what it
was: a .pring 2rea" fling# someone to ma"e stories and memories with. Everyone dreams about the
perfect vacation and meeting the perfect person on that vacation because they go hand in hand. ho
wouldn$t dream of being in a paradise and meeting someone seemingly perfect for them.
6elsey was interested in me# no doubt# but the point she was trying to ma"e was that she was still
loo"ing for the wonder of love. 'ove is something so hyped and made out to be the most blissful
and perfect feeling. ! understood why she was curious of it and wanted to find it.
.ome rowdy teenagers ran down by the beach near 6elsey and !. ! saw none other than the girl
who introduced me to the 2ob Marley run down the beach with a group of men. They formed a
circle by the water and ! could overhear them tal"ing about s"inny dipping.
;They$re s"inny dipping# we should %oin them#; ! laughed.
;)h# fuc" that4; 6elsey scoffed.
;9ou$ve gone scuba diving# "issed a hot guy you hardly you "now#; ! said# pointing to myself.
;and battled violent waves on a sea-doo. 9ou have to go s"inny dipping& this is what .pring 2rea"
is all about4;
6elsey thought about it for a minute. ;*ine# but only with you. Away from those people down the
beach.;
;! was %ust teasing# but if you$re really up to it...;
;ell apparently this is what .pring 2rea" is all about#; she smir"ed.
! got up and e,tended my hand to help her out of the sand. .he s<uee+ed my hand lightly so ! left
it in hers. e wal"ed down the beach and when we were a moderate distance from the s"inny
dippers# she %umped in front of me and planted another surprise "iss on me. !t wasn$t spontaneous
and fun li"e it was the first time. .he "ept her lips loc"ed on mine and was passionate in the way
she did it.
! brought her down into the sand and we %ust laid there and made out for ten minutes.
;! wish there was a guy li"e you bac" home#; she said to me.
! "new she was starting to feel something real for me. !t started as a simple and fun fling but
turned into a real connection. ! couldn$t help but feel moved by her compassion toward me.
;! wish ! had a girl li"e you bac" home too# things would be so much more...perfect#; ! told her.
;(ow you$re showing me the real you.
! remained silent.
.he too" off her low cut bi"ini top and revealed her breasts to me. .he pressed them up against
my chest as ! caressed her. ! wasn$t feeling it though# something about the way she saw me# the real
me# left a mar". ! was suffering from an immensely bro"en heart and ! didn$t believe it could ever
fully heal.
!t pained me that things progressed so <uic"ly with 1aige and her feelings for me shifted away
%ust as suddenly as they fell into place. hen she said we should go bac" to being friends# ! "new it
was over# and we probably weren$t going to regain what we had. ! didn$t want to admit that it was
getting to me so deeply. ! was hiding from my emotions and distracting myself in new e,periences#
activities# and women. 2ut ! couldn$t hide from my emotions anymore# and they surfaced.
;! can$t do this# ; ! said embarrassingly to 6elsey.
;hat$s wrong0; she as"ed# stunned.
! started pouring everything about 1aige out.
;.he was incredibly special to me# ! didn$t reali+e how special she was to me until she started
slipping through my fingers. !$m trying to start over# reset myself for another woman. !$ve been
doing really good# meeting lots of woman who are even out of 1aige$s league# but it doesn$t feel
right. hen ! "iss another girl or we get into a bed and the inevitable is ready to happen# ! %ust feel
li"e it should be with 1aige instead of a near stranger. !$m sorry#8 ! said to 6elsey pathetically.
;!t$s o"ay#; 6elsey spo"e as she loo"ed into my eyes deeply and gave me a pec".
;!$m trying to move on and ! need these to feelings to end immediately. !$m in a new country# this
place is ama+ing# the atmosphere# the energy# it$s so great# if ! can$t do it here# ! might not be able to
let go anywhere else.;
6elsey nodded# 7!t$s got nothing to do with the place# the wound is still fresh# you need to give it
time to heal first.8
.he was right. ! was drun"# emotionally damaged# and wasn$t thin"ing clearly. ! was very much
in love with 1aige. 3alf of me wanted to "eep holding on and fight for her# the other half wanted to
be rid of her and wanted the emotional dependency to end.
*or the last two days# ! built myself up into this outstanding guy who had his shit together# and as
soon as we had reached a significant moment# ! fell apart on her. ! felt so worthless and pathetic but
6elsey understood. .he didn$t %udge me# she %ust listened.
e stayed up all night tal"ing about personal feelings and 6elsey made me feel better by sharing
some of her own feelings of inade<uacy with me. !t was clear that a lot of the attraction she had for
me disappeared after my brea"down# but she didn$t treat me any differently other than the fact she
didn$t loo" at me as a compatible partner anymore.
###
!n the morning# when the shuttle arrived bac" to the 2each 1alace# 6elsey and ! parted ways. !
returned to my room but ! was loc"ed out and wasn$t given a "ey card. ! headed out to the beach and
spotted 1aige and her sister Jill tanning on a set of beach chairs before the ocean.
;3ey#; ! said wea"ly with a hangover# feeling down.
;here the fuc" have you been0; 1aige as"ed seriously# ;e were thin"ing about going out to
loo" for you but figured you %ust crashed in some slut$s room.;
;! was at the Moon 1alace# got caught up in some spring brea" madness. 9ou should come chec"
it out on another day#; ! recommended.
Jill wanted to go for a swim while 1aige was set on getting her perfect tan. ! %oined Jill and went
body surfing in the large waves that came crashing onto shore. Jill and ! actually had a pretty good
time# she was generally shy whenever ! came around but it seemed li"e she was letting loose.
;'ets hit this one together#; ! told Jill as a large wave began tunneling several meters away from
us. e %umped away from the wave and it carried us many feet.
! felt li"e Jill was starting to warm up to me but she was still immensely shy.
! slept in the entire day while 1aige and Jill went to A<ua orld. *rom what they told me# it was
<uite the adventure with snor"eling# sea-dooing# and speed boating through the lagoon. !t was
unfortunate that ! missed it.
hen ! got up in the evening# 1aige fell asleep watching TB as she had a long day. ! stepped out
onto the balcony and found Jill standing by the railing loo"ing off into the beautiful# star-da++eled
s"y.
;hy are you so shy0; ! as"ed her# still in somewhat of a slumber.
;!$m not shy# ! %ust don$t really "now you.;
;9ou$re not that good at getting to "now people#; ! bugged# ;we$ve been on a trip together for
half a wee" already and you seem to avoid me li"e the plague.;
Jill was silent for moment# but then she spo"e# ;9ou$re li"e my sister# and !$m not li"e either of
you. !$m not into the parties and drin"ing. ! li"e the way ! am.;
;! can appreciate that. 9ou$re young though# only nineteen. 9ou haven$t had a true taste of $the
party.$ Eventually# you all get there.;
;!$ve had a taste and ! don$t trust myself in that crowd. That$s what ! mean when ! say ! li"e who !
am. ! don$t want to get involved in the party bullshit and let it change me.;
;! %ust spent the last couple days with a great girl named 6elsey. .he was no party animal mind
you# but she was a little bit li"e you: innocent.;
;)h# so that$s why you disappeared the last couple days. 1aige was pissed about that4 9ou$re
suppose to be here with her and not some girl you met on the beach.;
;! "now. /on$t tell her# o"ay0;
;!$ll tell her whatever she deserves to "now#8 Jill said intimidatingly as she turned and loo"ed me
in the face closely.
;9our sister has her own shit to wor" out. hen she$s on *aceboo" pouring her heart out to her
e, and wondering if she still has feelings for him# do you e,pect me to aw"wardly sit around this
place waiting for her to figure it out0 ! bought and paid for my own e,penses here# ! deserve to
en%oy my time here instead of waiting for 1aige. ! feel bad that we$re not spending time together# but
it was her decision to open up her lap top and fall into that mess.;
;! guess so#; Jill said# suddenly loo"ing unsure of herself.
;hat$s going on with you0; ! as"ed changing the sub%ect# ;you$re standing out here all alone
loo"ing up at the s"y# their is definitely something going on in that head of yours.;
;! don$t want to tal" about it#; she replied coldly.
;.o you$re not bullshit free after all#; ! said humorously.
;9ou$re an ass#; she told me as she started to wal" bac" inside.
! followed her# 79our family really li"es their secrets don$t they.8 ! remar"ed.
Jill spun around and stared into me with angering eyes. 7! used to party with my sister# she
started getting me drun" when ! was fifteen and didn$t "now what the hell ! doing. .he too" me to a
party and ! had se, with a twenty year old because ! felt pressured to be popular li"e her. ! was
practically raped. Then it happened again with some other guy. ! never felt so used in my entire life
and ! cried off and on for wee"s. That$s why ! don$t party and that$s why ! don$t want to be li"e
either of you4
My mind flooded with awe and sympathy. That e,plained her shyness# her frigidness# and why
she socially distanced herself from me. !t wasn$t %ust me# ! haven$t seen her close to anyone else
either. .he$d been psychologically scarred as a young teenager.
;:ome for a wal" with me#; ! suggested.
;hy0; she as"ed.
;!t$ll be good for both of us.; ! spo"e gently.
;(o#; she told me as she went into her room and shut the door.
That was that.
Chapter 11
Hate E!ery Beautiful Day
Tension was high. 1aige was pissed off at me# and Jill seemingly hated me.
! laid down on a beach chair surfing the internet on my i1hone. Jill appeared by my side after a
half hour# ;.till want to go for that wal"0; she as"ed.
;.ure#; ! replied# bewildered.
.and sifted between our toes in the perfect white sand as we made our way along the shoreline. !
wondered why Jill had wanted to go for that wal" because she remained <uiet for several long
minutes.
;Im#; slipped my mouth in attempt to begin conversation.
;1aige is getting bac" with :olin#; Jill said with a definite tone.
! was surprised# ;! didn$t thin" she would.;
;ell she is. .he wanted me to hang out with you for the ne,t couple days and help you find
some girl to hit on# but you already did that.;
;*uc"4; ! shouted and "ic"ed sand into the air# ;!$ve had it with you girls# you$re both mentally
deficient4 9ou "now# ! tried to be nice and chal" it down to shyness for you# but no# you$re %ust a
plain old bitch.; ! started stomping off down the beach and Jill merely followed me <uietly. ;hat
are you doing now0; ! as"ed.
;aiting for you to calm down and tal"#; she replied.
;(ot going to happen# %ust go bac" to the resort#; ! said stubbornly.
.he left down the beach and ! wished ! hadn$t sent her away. ! thought about calling out to her
and as"ing her to come bac"# but ! didn$t.
!n Me,ico# public into,ication wasn$t against the law. ! went to the nearest li<our store and
bought a bottle of Jamaican rum# sat down on the beach and starting drin"ing straight from the
bottle as way to vent my frustration.
! was %ust loo"ing out into ocean and observing couples laughing and having fun together in the
waves crashing onto the shore. ! was envious. ! didn$t want a hundred meaningless flings# ! %ust
wanted to find someone special in my life& someone that could fill the void of emptiness.
! continued wal"ing down the beach and spotted 6elsey and Aleah together. ! was so than"ful
that ! bumped into them again.
73ey48 ! greeted. They warmly greeted me bac".
The three of us hung out on the beach for an hour and ! shared my Jamaican rum with them.
7Are you feeling better now08 6elsey as"ed me.
7! am right now#8 ! smiled.
79ou wor"ed everything out with that girl08
73er sister actually told me that she$s getting bac" with her e, and encouraged that ! hit on other
girls# only an hour ago.8
7)h god48
7!$m not dwelling on it#8 ! lied# 7! got it all out# than"s for listening the other night# it helped a
lot.8
7(o problem4 !$m really glad you$re o"ay now.8
! figured ! could redeem myself with 6elsey if ! played my cards right# so ! unleashed the most a
barage of pic" up material ! had on her. ! started with something called the best friends test# 7! thin"
it$s pretty obvious that you and Aleah are best friends if you$re traveling together# but lets see how
good of friends you really are#8 ! told them# 7!$m going to do the best friends test on you two.
7This sounds interesting#8 6elsey laughed. 7)"ay# lets do it.8
7Alright# both of you ma"e eye contact with me#8 ! instructed. 7/o you both use the same
shampoo08
6elsey loo"ed at Aleah oddly. Aleah didn$t drop eye contact. They both replied# 7e don$t
"now.8
7The <uestion didn$t even matter# best friends usually loo" at eachother before answering. 6elsey
loo"ed# but Aleah didn$t# so that means 6elsey is the better friend.8
The girls burst out laughing and 6elsey started teasing Aleah about it.
! moved into a routine called The :ube Test. 73ave you ever done the cube test08 ! as"ed 6elsey.
7! don-t "now what it is# but it sounds fun. !s it li"e the best friends thing#8 she said# her eyes
gleaming full of attentiveness.
7!magine a cube# tell me what color this cube is& whether it-s solid or transparent# and where it is#
! want you to tell me everything there is to "now about this cube.8
7)"ay um# red cube# it-s sort of transparent. !t-s surrounded by a blac" bac"ground and yeah#
that-s it#8 she replied.
7!nteresting#8 ! replied approving her answer# 7now imagine an ob%ect outside this cube# it can be
anything# what is it08
7!t-s an elephant48 she e,claimed.
7)h boy# this is going to be a hard one. (ow# imagine an ob%ect inside the cube# what is it08
7!t$s Aleah#8 she claimed# putting her arm around her. 7.o what-s it all mean08
7!-ll tell you what it all means# absolutely nothing. ! made it all up.8
7)h my god# are you serious08
7!$m %ust "idding#8 ! laughed. 7!t actually means something. The blac" surrounding of your cube
describes how you feel about the things around you. 9ou feel as if your life is surrounded by things
that are uncertain and you can$t see or predict it. (ow the fact that your cube is red is symbolic for
your personality. 5ed is a strong color# it describes your passion# determination# and strong
personality. 9our cube being transparent and not solid shows that your strong personality and
determination has flaws# li"e your feelings of inade<uacy. The elephant# now ! could be wrong# but
!-m betting it means that you thin" big and desire things much greater then what you see around
you#8 ! finished watching her interest become ama+ement.
79ou are so smart4 ! actually thin" you could be right48 she e,claimed# her words dripping with
enthusiasm.
!-ve learned that one thing women love is somebody who can teach them about herself. The tric"
to the cube is that after they tell you their answers# it-s left up to your own interpretation of what it
could mean. 9ou feel surrounded by difficulty# and you feel trapped and feel the need to brea" out
from it# and accomplish better things in your life& that sums up most people in the world. !t-s runs
along the lines of fortune telling# palm reading# and all of that nonsense. These psychics can tell you
things so vague that it$s almost as if they-re announcing societies problems as one# but only
applying it to you.
! learned the cube test from 7The Game8 but made it my own and turned it into a very simple
formula. The cube is the person itself# the surrounding is how they view the world around them# you
as" them to imagine an ob%ect outside the cube& it$s interpreted to something they desire. Then you
as" them to imagine an ob%ect inside the cube& it$s interpreted to something they already obtained.
Through this& you create some deep and imaginative e,planation and if you thought it through well
enough# the girl will find it accurate and she$ll be impressed if not attracted.
###
1aige became a complete stranger to me in a mere few short days. .he avoided me and only
spo"e to me when it was necessary. ! felt ! was truly in love with her but didn$t want to act out in
desperation. /esperation was the single most condemning act to bring what was had past it$s point
of no return.
! didn$t see 1aige or Jill much for the final days of the trip. ! spent most of the nights going to the
clubs and hanging out with new people !$d been meeting. !$d invited 6elsey and Aleah out to a club
called $The :ity.$ ! wo"e up ne,t to her at the resort the following morning# not entirely
remembering how ! got there.
!t was my last morning in :ancun as my flight left mid-day. ! e,plained this to 6elsey as she
"issed me a long and passionate goodbye. Alcohol and another woman was perhaps the greatest
brea"-up cure. After sleeping with 6elsey# ! felt ! could tac"le this 1aige situation with confidence.
! eventually had to face the aw"wardness when ! had to go to the airport with a booming
hangover. ! popped two tylenol before boarding the plane# sitting beside 1aige for what would be
the entire flight bac" to :anada.
1aige said two words to me for half the flight& $E,cuse me.$ and that was so she could get up to
to use the washroom. hen she returned to her seat# ! ambushed her. ;.o are you going to "eep this
no tal"ing rule up or %ust tell me that you got bac" with :olin.;
.he loo"ed at me for a moment with seriously offended eyes. .he opened her mouth to spea" but
before she got a word out ! interrupted.
;2lah blah blah# !$m sorry# maybe we can still be friends. !$ve had that tal" more times than ! can
count#; ! e,plained. ;e were friends in the beginning and we can be friends now. .o you
reconciled with your boyfriend# that$s great# !$m happy for you# really# but you don$t need act li"e
!$m still your boyfriend and you have to snea" around me. hen we got into this# we said no
emotional attachment# neither of us held up that agreement but there doesn$t need to be any hard
feelings.8
1aige$s mouth hung open for half a second# ;hoa# "ay. *uc" Jordan# you$re too smart for your
own good. !$m sorry but yeah# :olin and ! got bac" together# !$m so glad that$s your ta"e on it. !$ve
been feeling so aw"ward around you this whole trip and all you had to do was spea" up4;
;/on$t put this on me#; ! laughed as ! smac"ed 1aige$s arm li"e 6elsey had done to me many
times# she rubbed off on me. ;! met some pretty ama+ing women in :ancun. ! have memories !$ll
never forget and it wouldn$t have happened if ! was glued to you this whole trip. ! guess things
wor"ed out for the best0;
! was angry# hurt# betrayed# but ! "ept those feelings hidden to put the act of friendship in place.
!t would allow me to "eep a foothold if ! should find the right opportunity to gain 1aige bac".
/espite that# 1aige was too valuable# even as a friend# to let escape my grasp. ! wanted her on my
side# always.
'ove sometimes consists of two mental processes rebelling against each other: emotion and
logic. Emotion is genuine and real# it$s the true love most young people "now. 2ut then there-s the
logical side& it$s a mas"ed affection. Even though the attraction may be there# the other person
"nows you$re good for them and they merely settle for that reason# even if they$re not truly in love.
The people that settle have a scarcity mentally# they believe that there are only a limited number
of opportunities and you need to fight and hold on to the things you have because you may never
get them again. )n the other hand# many people have the abundance mentality and thin" that there
is enough opportunity in the world# whether it$s related to money# love# business# there is enough for
everyone. That$s why people with very little appear needy and desperate& they live with scarcity.
The people with abundance appear too good and attractive because they hold higher value and
believe many more opportunities will come to them despite what you have to offer.
1aige was raised in abundance# ! was raised in scarcity# that was why it never wor"ed out. .he
thought there was so much more out there for her# when ! thought there was only her.
1aige$s closed approach had been blown away. .he poured out what she was feelings over the
past wee" in a long tiresome hour. !n between she as"ed me about 6elsey# Mac"en+ie# 5achel#
6ara# and the many other girls ! had encountered on my vestiges in Me,ico. /own to her core#
1aige was a free spirited girl that li"ed to party# she didn$t li"e being loc"ed down and wanted her
freedom. .he "new ! was loo"ing for commitment but she wasn$t li"ely ready to %ump into a new
commitment as she had not gotten over :olin. .he was uncertain about how ! would ta"e the whole
situation and was fearful of ma"ing such a deafening blow to me.
)ne thing ! didn$t dare tell 1aige however# was my intrigued attraction for her sister# Jill.
Chapter 12
The Last ,onquest
!t was bac" to the frosty atmosphere of Edmonton. inter always ended late that far up north and
the snow fall was still going strong.
! found a friend re<uest from Jill on *aceboo"# ! accepted and as"ed her she wanted to hang out.
.he happened to be online and replied right away.
e agreed to meet up on the long stretch of sidewal" along the street of large mansions.
! saw her steadily ma"ing her way toward me. There was something immensely different about
her# she dyed her hair a vivid blonde. !t loo"ed surprisingly good on her but ! missed her sil"y# red
hair.
e wal"ed up to each other but she hadn$t finished her conversation on the phone. e stopped
directly in front of each other and ! stood there until she had finally said goodbye after a few
minutes.
! was going to mention how rude it was to "eep me waiting while she finished up her
conversation but ! decided to let it go with the way she shyly said ;3i.; hen we started tal"ing she
was stuttering every do+en words and fidgeted her head a lot# loo"ing away from me after every
<uestion and loo"ing at the ground fre<uently.
;9ou$ve never done this before have you0; ! as"ed humorously.
;(o# !$ve never %ust blindly met someone ! hardly "now li"e this. The only reason ! trust you
enough to meet with you is because 1aige vouched for you. .he said you$re one the best guys to
"now. ;
;.he said that0 ell# trust me# she$s not wrong#; ! smiled proudly.
!t %ust ta"es me a while to warm up to anyone ! don$t "now or ! get "ind of nervous. And you
were "ind of intimidating in Me,ico.
Jill informed me that she replaced her afternoon wal" to meet me. .he told me that she usually
wal"ed out to a cliff point that held a serene view. .he agreed to ta"e me down the path it too" to
get there and share a piece of her daily life with me. Jill had led me through her neighbourhood and
down a ma+e of pathways into the forest. Jill "ept laughing at how disoriented ! loo"ed as we
influ,ed onto ma+e-li"e trails. ! "ept assuring her ! wasn$t lost even though ! was pretty sure that !
was in fact astray.
;! need a female opinion& who do you thin" lies more# men or women0
;3m# that-s hard to say# it$s probably e<ual#; she replied.
;! thin" it$s pretty close to e<ual too# but women are far better liars than men#; ! theori+ed.
;hat do you mean0;
;omen are so much better at pic"ing up on things than men. Especially body language# most
men fail to notice simple things so they can be pretty blind to an obvious lie a girl might tell. )n top
of that# women can be really deceptive#8 ! concluded.
;)h ! see. ! assume you$re spea"ing from e,perience.;
;More or less.;
;! personally find it hard to lie to someone. ! %ust can$t loo" someone in the eye and then lie to
them. !t$s easy for me to lie in a te,t or over the phone though#; she responded openly.
.he was already honest and tal"ative. (ot every girl was worth meeting and after enough
e,perience you can initially tell in the first moments when a girl wasn$t worth it. !ts the unworthy
ones that you have to entertain and wor" to "eep interested. orthwhile women will provide you
with all you need to tal" to them. (o routines or techni<ues needed .
;5eally# why is it so hard in person0; ! continued.
;!t$s %ust the fact that it ma"es me feel worse about what !$m about to do and the guilt is
overwhelming.;
;! thin" a lot of people find it easy through te,t and messages because you$re in the comfort of
being outside the situation. !n person# you feel more bare and vulnerable.;
;E,actly. hat do you thin" is the worst lie a person can tell0; she as"ed.
;That-s a tough one. /o you consider "eeping "nowledge from someone as a lie because if
someone in a relationship cheats and hides it# !$d consider that to be the worst lie.;
;)h yeah# for sure.;
;3ow about you0; ! as"ed.
;! thin" saying $! love you$ and not meaning it is the worst lie.;
;1ersonally ! thin" it$s pretty obvious when someone says those words and don$t mean it.
Teenagers are the worst# they get caught up in it when they$re too young to even have a genuine
understanding of love.;
;9eah# without a doubt. ! find when you$re in a relationship and your partner says it# you feel
obligated to say it bac". 9ou$re afraid that if you don$t# the other person will ta"e it the wrong way.
2ut nowadays it$s not something ! come across anymore. The last time ! was in a relationship# ! was
si,teen so it$s not something ! really encounter.;
;'ove is a really complicated thing to tal" about because everyone one has their own concept of
love and it means different things to different people. 'i"e to some# love is cheap& they feel it$s
alright to love many times and with multiple people at once# to others& they feel it$s strictly divine
and it can only be a single and true e,perience.;
;9ou$re intriguing#; she smiled while loc"ing her ga+e further into me.
;Than" you#; ! replied# ;so# whats your opinion of love0;
;! don$t really "now# ! haven$t had the chance to e,perience it. ! have gone out with a few guy$s
and when we got remotely close they %ust left because they were afraid of commitment. (ow it$s
done the same to me# when ! get close to someone ! tend to push them away. ! guess !$m afraid to
get close to anyone. ! want to have the chance to e,perience love but it$s hard when you$re also
afraid of it.;
;9ou$re scared of the vulnerability0;
;9eah# !$ve only had se, with J men and they were both mista"es and ! found out ! was %ust a
trophy and bragging right to them. 9ou$d feel very vulnerable. ! "now !$m not a virgin anymore but
!$m saving myself now. The ne,t time it will only be with the right guy.;
! complimented Jill on her morals and values. Most women ! "new felt that their first was a
mista"e and because it had already been made they no longer saved themselves. ! admired Jill for
being able to reali+e the mista"e and not continue ma"ing it.
;My parents raised me well#; she smiled proudly.
;! agree#; ! lightly complimented# 7a lot of girls from a wealthy bac"ground turn out pretty snotty
because they$re parents spoil them and their children get everything they want. 9ou$re not li"e that
at all# you and your sister turned out great# you should be proud about that.
;hen ! was in high school# most of the girls were stuc" up. .o many girls thin" they$re better
than everyone else because they drive a nice car or their parents have a lot of money. !t$s ridiculous.
That$s one part of high school ! will not miss#; Jill told me.
;That was my biggest pet peeve in high school#; ! said sha"ing my head# ;! "new people driving
sports cars to school and to house parties li"e they owned the vehicle. They would brag about this
and that. .o what# you$re parents have a lot of money and they$re allowing you to drive their
investment# that doesn$t define anything about you as a person. 9our parents have a lot of money
and li"e to spoil their "ids# that-s cool# but !$m not that fortunate and ! have to wor" for those things#
and earn them instead of having them handed down to me. ! don$t thin" that ma"es me any less of a
person. !n fact# ! honestly thin" that ma"es me better than wealthy people. ! thin" more of people
who earned something for themselves rather than those who were %ust had it given them.;
.he leaned into me and was really interested in what ! was tal"ing about# ;E,actly. !t doesn$t
ma"e you any less of a person; she assured# ;! personally do come from a wealthy family# but when
! bought my first car ! as"ed if ! could pay for half of it. ! wanted to say $9eah$ ! earned this.;
;! admire you. There$s so much more depth to your personality than %ust the life you live.;
;ow# than" you#; she smiled appreciatively. ;! have to as"& what made you decide to want to
hang out with me0 'i"e what characteristics do you loo" for in a girl in order to be attracted to her.;
That was a huge indicator of interest. .he wanted to "now what ! was attracted to so that she
could possible mirror those things. ! was noticing the signs ! loo"ed for while interacting with a
woman# but ! hadn$t followed any of what ! "new.
;ords ! used to go by were: attraction is not a choice#; ! e,plained# ;no one can truly control
who they$re attracted to. ! have found certain traits that ! do appreciate and en%oy more than others.
*or e,ample# !$ve find myself more physically attracted to women with brown hair and ha+el eyes.
1ersonality wise# ! en%oy an intelligent woman$s company# someone that can hold a deep and
intellectual conversation. ! admire women who have a genuine "indness toward others and a sense
of respect for herself.;
;hat do you mean by sense of respect0; .he as"ed.
;!$ve met a lot of girls in clubs. .ome have as"ed me to ta"e them home or have as"ed me to
come their place after %ust meeting me. Most guys go for that# ! don$t. Those are the type of girls
who are loo"ing for cheap thrills and one night stands. !$m more than that. ! loo" for women of
value. !$m loo"ing for meaningful pursuits and not disposable pleasures.;
;9ou$re ama+ing4; she e,claimed# ;! can see why my sister said you were a great catch. Any girl
would be luc"y to "now you.;
;hat is one thing about yourself that you would li"e me to "now0; ! as"ed Jill# adding more
fuel to the conversation.
;There$s more to me than what meets the eye#; she said honestly# ;often# people loo" at me and
assume !$m another stuc" up girl because of the clothes ! wear or the stuff ! have. There$s so much
more to me than that.;
;9ou$re more than the lifestyle you live#; ! smiled as ! <uoted what ! had said about her before.
;9eah. Judgement is something that ! cannot stand. ! understand that %udgement is something that
people are prone to doing but ! hate the way people loo" at me and %ust assume that !$m this person
that !$m not#; she e,pressed sadly.
;! understand e,actly what you$re tal"ing about. 1eople are shallow and naturally inclined to
ma"e %udgement at first glance. hat$s your social life li"e0;
;2efore ! tell you# what do you imagine it being li"e for me0;
;2ased on your stereotype# ! would imagine you being popular. 9ou would have an abundance of
friends# and would usually find yourself the center of attention. 2ut you being the person you are&
even though you could have all that# you have trouble sociali+ing. 9ou have trouble sociali+ing
because people ma"e e,pectations of you and e,pect you to be this person you$re not. 9ou still
maintain that popular persona so ! can imagine you have a few really good friends that you trust.
3owever# when it comes to people in general# you have difficulties# lots of people want to be your
friend but they still e,pect you to be things you$re not# and that distances you from them. !s that
accurate0;
;9ou$re ama+ing# wow.; 3er eyes widened and she had a loo" of surprise on her face. ;hen !
go to school everyone "nows who ! am. ! was the popular girl and to this day everyone wants to be
my friend. 2ut !$m not the girl ! used to be. !$m not that party girl anymore. !$ve matured and !$ve
built my life around bigger things than %ust drin"ing and sleeping around. ! do have a few good
friends that were left after ! lost most of them. (o one understands why ! don$t ta"e advantage of
what ! could have# but ! choose to be the girl who would rather sit alone in the library at lunch then
sit at a table with a bunch of gossiping girls.;
;And despite your choices# do people still view you as the popular girl0; ! as"ed.
;A bit# yeah.;
;hat are you doing tomorrow& can ! ta"e you out0; ! as"ed confidently. ! created a personal and
perhaps an emotional connection with her& ! couldn$t see her saying $(o.$;
;9eah# sure. !$m not busy tomorrow. ;
e finally arrived at an opening in the trees# there was a beautiful view on the hidden landscape
that no one else "new about. ;! come here every day and %ust appreciate the view and soa" in the
peace#8 she told me.
Jill and ! stayed at the loo" out for a while. !t felt heart warming that she was willing to share this
with me because it was in fact special. Jill stood there loo"ing into s"y en%oying every bit of
tran<uil. ! stood by her and put my arm around her. .he loo"ed at me but didn$t seem to react in
anyway. ! leaned in to "iss her but she pulled away and threw up her defences instantaneously.
;.orry# !$m not ready for that. e should head bac"#; she said uncomfortably. ;*or that !$m going
to ma"e you find your own way bac".;
;*ine# but !f ! find our way bac" without getting lost once# you have to "iss me.;
Jill thought about it for a moment agreed that it was an acceptable arrangement.
My sense of direction had always been very good but their were a few moments where ! was
confused when we arrived at a for" in the road. Each icy pathway had loo"ed the same.
As ! chose one of the trails# ! as"ed Jill if ! made the correct decision but she remained <uiet with
a satisfying smile on her face.
As we reached the end of the pathway# we converged bac" into the paved order of the city. !
wal"ed Jill to her doorstep. Jill grabbed me and planted a nice wet "iss on my chee". ;9ou didn$t
say where ! had to "iss you#; she said proudly feeling li"e she had outsmarted me before going
inside.
###
!n the morning ! had awo"en to a te,t message from Jill.
7! wo"e up this morning with the thought of you on my mind. ! am so grateful that someone li"e
you too" the time to get to "now me. ! hope you still intend on ta"ing me out today because ! loo"
forward to seeing you again. A) Jill.8
! was ta"ing Jill on an official date out in the city. ! drove out to her house and te,ted her letting
her "now that ! had arrived. .he came out in a red button up %ac"et with %eans and a pair of sun
glasses sitting on her face.
;3ey#; she happily greeted me as she got into my car.
;3ey# how$s you$re morning been0; ! as"ed.
;5eally good# ! had coffee with a friend. ! told her about you.;
;.ay anything interesting about me0;
;ell ! sat down and ! thin" she noticed how happy ! was. *ive minutes into conversation she
%ust as"ed $ho is he0$ .o ! told her ! met this guy and he$s different from all the other guys.;
;!$m glad you thin" of me that way#; ! smiled gratefully# ;! feel the same way about you so far.
9ou and !# we have chemistry. ! feel li"e we understand each other pretty well. !t$s hard to find li"e-
minded people.;
;! "now what you mean#; she replied with an agreeing smile.
! put the car into drive and drove out into the city. ! as"ed her what her idea of an ideal date was.
! wanted to get an idea of where ! should ta"e her.
;(ot a fan of movie dates#; she e,plained# ;you never get to tal" to the other person. 1robably
dinner and a wal" on beach. .omething simple.;
That didn$t help much# it was too early for dinner and the Edmonton area was void of beaches.
;! agree# a movie doesn$t give you the chance to really interact with someone. ! en%oy getting to
"now the person !$m with# that is the point of a date after all# not to sit for a long period of time and
not "now anything about the other person#; ! told her.
;hat$s the worst date you$ve ever been on0; she as"ed.
;'ast year# ! too" this girl named .ydney to the amusement par". My car ended up getting stolen
and my date had something to do with it. e had a good time for a while# and when ! returned to
the par"ing lot# my car was gone. !t turned out she was trying to "eep me busy during the date and
was te,ting her friends to let me "now when ! was away from my vehicle. .he was there to tip them
off if ! were heading bac" to the car.;
;)h my gosh4 That$s horrible4;
;9eah#; ! laughed# ;by far the worst date ever. .he acted "ind and flattering towards me until the
moment my car was gone. 3er personality made a complete change after that moment and she acted
li"e she didn$t want anything to do with me. .o what about you# your worst date0;
;This was a few months ago#; she started# ;! met this guy at the gym. 3e approached me and we
got to tal"ing. 3e as"ed for my number so ! gave it to him. e ended up going to the gym together
for a few wee"s and then he as"ed me on a date. ! accepted and he pic"ed me up and too" me to
dinner. 3is card ended up getting declined so ! paid for it because he didn$t have enough cash on
him. Then he wanted to go for drin"s# ! wasn$t too happy about it because ! don$t en%oy drin"ing and
! had to pay for them. 3e too" me to a club when ! wanted to go home. 3e "ept pushing me to
drin"# ! didn$t want to but dran" it anyway# then he started to get really touchy. ! got really
uncomfortable and ! had to call a friend to ta"e me home.;
;3ow disrespectful#; ! said# ;hopefully you two don$t end up bumping into each other at the gym
again.;
;)h no# ! changed gyms because of it.;
! eventually found myself downtown# Jill and ! decided to ta"e a casual wal" around some of
downtown$s most popular areas. e ended up in the par" where ! went bridge %umping so many
summers ago with 'ee and (ic".
;3ave you ever gotten to e,perience what you believe love is0; .he as"ed me furthering the
interaction.
;5egrettably# yes#; ! told her.
;Mind me as"ing why you say that0; she as"ed cautiously to avoid bringing up any possible
heartache.
! thought about it for a moment and said# ;2ecause it was a past e,perience and isn$t a current
one.;
;3ow do you "now it was love0; she pushed.
;2ecause ! haven$t been able to feel anything close to what ! felt with that e,perience. ! <uestion
whether or not ! will ever get the chance to e,perience it again. !t was such a powerful feeling that it
caused me to become a writer and almost inspired me to the completion of my first boo".;
;9ou write0 That$s ama+ing. hat$s the boo" called0;
;Entropy.;
;That$s an interesting name. hat does is mean0;
;!t$s a scientific term used to describe an imbalance of particles and it$s the uncertainty of an
outcome. To me# it means chaos. !$ve lived one hell of life and its felt li"e chaos to me. That$s what
$Entropy$ is: my %ourney out of chaos.;
;hat inspires you to write0;
;9ou always as" the good <uestions#; ! smiled# ;!$ve been through a lot of difficult e,periences
and !$ve done some good things despite all that. ! deserve some recognition# not to sound egotistical#
but ! "now ! deserve it. Everything !$ve been through and all my e,periences are going to ma"e a
great story. ! li"e to thin" that there is a reason ! had go through everything ! did. ! don$t want to
accept that it was all chance# that !$m %ust unluc"y# and that it$s the way life is. !$m trying to turn my
misfortune into something good.;
;!$m certain your boo" is going to be everything you hope it will be. 9ou seem very driven and
you seem li"e someone who has what it ta"es to succeed. Everyone has a purpose and that$s
probably yours.;
;Than" you#; ! smiled again# ;my biggest fear is to not accomplish what ! set out to do. !
honestly believe that not everyone has a purpose# as negative as that sounds# ! "now a lot of people
live useless lives. !t$s up to us to ma"e something of ourselves.8
;! agree completely# we have to find our purpose and wor" for it.;
;e can$t all depend on destiny and fate to ta"e us where we want to go. !n life people tend to
wait for good things to come to them and by waiting they miss out. Isually what you wish for
doesn$t fall into your lap: it falls somewhere nearby and you have to recogni+e it# stand up# and put
in the time and wor" it ta"es to get there. This isn$t because the universe is cruel# it$s because the
universe is smart and "nows we don$t appreciate things that fall into our lap.;
;!$ve never seen ambition li"e this before. ! have every bit of faith in the world that you will fulfil
that.;
Jill remained sitting beside me silently for a few moments. .he shyly loo"ed at the ground and
bac" to me numerous times. ;!f ! "issed you right now# would you "iss me bac"0; she as"ed softly.
;9es# ! would#; ! replied confidently.
.he leaned in and ! closed the remaining gap# our lips met with a light touch. ! leaned away and
smiled at the tint of red beneath her chee"s. 3er smile grew warm and inviting as ! leaned bac" in to
"iss her a second time. )ur lips twisted passionately into each others.
.he pulled away this time and ga+ed into my eyes. ;/o you li"e me0; she as"ed in a da++led
state.
;! do#; ! smiled.
;hy0;
;! feel we$re e<ually competent and share many of the same beliefs and values. 9ou have already
made me feel things that are out of the ordinary for me and ! en%oy tal"ing to you. ! en%oy your
company and ! notice the way you tal" to me# you li"e me too. ! admire your morals and values and
to be <uite honest# you$re the girl ! wish ! met a long time ago. 9ou$re e,actly the type of girl ! find
to be my match. 9ou have so many ama+ing things going for you. ;
;9ou really are something#; she smiled. ;!$ve "nown you for not even two wee"s and you "now
who ! am. 9ou inspire me and ! admire who you are. ! don$t thin" !$ve ever smiled so much in my
life then ! have today. Than" you for this.;
;! admire you for all the same reasons. e$re so in tune with each other.;
;! "now what you mean# ! would be lying if ! tried to deny it. !$ve never e,perienced love in my
life. ! don$t thin" !$ve even truly li"ed a guy before. 9ou$re the first to ma"e me feel li"e this#; Jill
confessed e,pressively.
;!$m completely ama+ed by you. !$ve e,perienced this feeling before but not li"e this. 'ast night#
! couldn$t stop thin"ing about you. ! "new you would ma"e an ama+ing friend# but ! wondered if !
should ta"e the ris" to see if you felt the attraction too. ! was worried that ! might push you away.;
;9ou haven$t in the least bit# you$ve been doing nothing but drawing me in#; she assured me.
;! hope you can understand what !$m about to tell you: the first = chapters of my boo" are about a
girl named Jordan *ordyce. ! felt similar things when ! first met her to what ! feel with you right
now. *ordyce and ! we were two peas in a pod. !t ended on a bitter note# Jordan *ordyce was my
first e,perience with love. ! completely forgot what it was to feel that and now these emotions and
feelings are being re"indled by you. ! can say !$ve loved a lot# but real love# it$s different. !t$s a long
shot if you really are that# but ! hope you are.;
;9ou ama+e me# ! have never met a guy that is able to e,press his feelings and thoughts the way
you have. 9ou are the "ind of guy ! have been waiting to meet. e share similar interests but at the
same time you are in fact your own person. hen ! started getting more social# ! e,pected nothing
more to meet new friends. ! got some flattering compliments from people and guy$s trying to buy
me# but nothing more. 9ou were different# you tal"ed to me about something interesting# an actual
topic. 9ou intrigued me from the beginning.;
;9ou have to be different to intrigue any girl. Most women get as"ed the same <uestions by men:
what$s your name& what do you do for wor"& what "ind of stuff do you li"e to do0 !nstead of boring
a woman with all the same <uestions she gets as"ed by every other man& why not as" her something
that re<uires her opinion0;
;3ow do you "now so much about women# anyway0; she as"ed cynically.
;!f only you "new the "nowledge ! have stored away in my mind#; ! admitted.
;!f you met me outside of a club how would you approach me0; she as"ed curiously.
;ould you be with friends or alone0;
;Alone#; she answered.
;ell that$s no fun# where$s the challenge0; ! teased# some pride sifting into place.
;)h# en%oy a challenge0 ith friends than#8 she countered.
! thought about it for a moment and invented the scenario in my head. Most men ma"e the
mista"e of waiting until the girl they want to approach leaves her group so that they can tal" to her
without the influence of her friends.
;!$d wait until you left your group of friends# then !$d approach your friends# tal" to them# gain
their interest. Maybe show off a magic tric" or teach them something about themselves they didn$t
"now. And when you got bac" to the group# ! would be introduced to you by your very own
friends#; ! said proudly li"e ! had %ust outsmarted every man and women that have found themselves
in that scenario.
;That is the most cunning way to pic" up a girl ! have ever heard of# you are so intelligent.;
;! have lots of great ways to start conversations and gain the interests of people. .ome of the
things !$ve tried are pretty silly but ! have a lot of fun with it. ! collected some poc"et lint once and
wal"ed by a girl ! wanted to tal" to. ! made it loo" li"e ! grabbed something off her dress and as"ed
$3ow long has this been there0$ while ! handed her the lint#; ! laughed.
;.nea"y#; she concluded.
;)ne time#; ! continued# ;there was this drop dead gorgeous girl in a club. .he loo"ed really
stuc" up# had an unhappy loo" on her face# and one of my friends tried to approached her. .he
ended up telling him to fuc" off. .o my friends came together and bet me O>? that ! couldn$t get her
number...;
;)h gosh# this should be good#; Jill giggled.
;! accepted the bet# wal"ed over to the woman and told her# $3ey# all my friends over there %ust
bet me fifty dollars that ! couldn$t get your number. !f you give me your number !$ll come bac" over
here and split the fifty with you.$ and sure enough.;
;9ou impress me more with every moment#; she said as she deeply stared into me# ;! want to
"now how you would pic" me up if ! was alone at a coffee shop.;
;!$d wal" by you# loo" over my shoulder and as" you for an opinion on something. ! loo" over
my shoulder because then it doesn$t loo" li"e ! directly wal"ed up to you. !t %ust loo"s li"e !$m
simply wal"ing by and ! really do need an opinion on something. After you start tal"ing to me& !$ll
turn and face you or perhaps even sit down. !$ll tell you that ! can only stay for a moment because !
have to catch up with my friends or ! need to get to an appointment. hen a man enters a group and
starts tal"ing& most women are worried about how long he$s going to stay and how to get rid of him.
2y saying ! can only stay for a moment# ! disarm that. The woman lets her guard down and ! can
have a genuine conversation. After some casual conversation ! have to show you that !$m more
interesting then the rest of the men around# so !$ll show you a magic tric" or teach you something
about yourself that you didn$t "now. Then...;
;9ou$re ama+ing. 9ou "now so much about women it blows my mind#; Jill interrupted. .he
began playing with hair and twisting it around her inde, finger.
;!f ! want to "iss you#; ! continued# ;! loo" for = signs: indicators of interest. !f you as" for my
name in the middle of a conversation& that shows interest# if you physically touch me during
conversation& that shows interest# and if you play with your hair while tal"ing to me& that especially
shows interest.;
Jill fro+e and lowered her hand from her hair. .he laughed nervously and as"ed# ;hat do you
do if a girl re%ects you0;
! couldn$t believe ! found myself telling Jill every tric" and techni<ue of my art. 5evealing my
hidden trade to her could destroy every chance ! had with her. !f she learned the deceptive tactics to
arouse interest in a women# it could cause her to <uestion everything about me& is what !$m doing
now a tric"# a deception# or a ploy to win her over# or am ! actually being genuine and honest to her.
Jill proved herself to be different from individuals# she was open and honest to me about
everything ! had as"ed and wondered. ! had no reason to doubt her. ! "ept opening up and letting
her in. My only worry was& what if she lost interest# ! would no longer have any pic" up material to
wor" with that she didn$t already "now about.
!t was about time ! reac<uainted myself with ris" and blind faith# so ! gave her e,actly that.
;!f a girl re%ects me#; ! told her# ;! tal" to her friends instead and use the same techni<ues. ! draw
her friends in# earn their trust# show them higher value. )nce the girl that re%ected me ta"es any
action in the group# !$ll hand her a playful bac"handed insult& nothing to offended her but something
that will result in laughter. !f she opens her mouth to spea"& ! will offer a piece of gum# if she plays
with her hair& ! will as" if it$s a wig and tell her it doesn$t loo" real# or ! can %ust do something as
simple as as"ing her friends how they can roll with her.8
Jill burst out in laughter and loo"ed at me for a while waiting for me to tell her more.
;And ! never# ever# under any circumstances offer to buy a girl a drin"#; ! finali+ed.
;hat0 3ow come0; she as"ed in bewilderment.
;!t lowers your value. A girl$s mentality when a man offers to give or buy her things is: $)h# he$s
trying to give or buy me these things because he doesn$t thin" ! will li"e him without it. 3e doesn$t
thin" ! will li"e him for himself.$ which she is generally right. Any confident# self respecting man
doesn$t need to buy or give a girl anything to get her to li"e him.;
;9ou "now# you could be the ne,t /r. /rew. hy didn$t you use any of this stuff on me0 hat
ma"es me different0;
;! pretty much ignored everything ! "new ! was suppose to do when it came to you. !$m a really
good %udge of character and ! "new there was much more to you that what appeared on the surface.
Then the way these feelings for you began developing G they were the e,act same ! e,perienced
with my first love. ! wasn$t going to treat you li"e any other girl because you$re not every other girl.
! felt something uni<ue and genuine with you so ! wanted a uni<ue and genuine interaction.;
;!$m really glad you feel this way. !$m happy you have ta"en the time to get to "now me. !$m a
girl who had walls up because !$m afraid of ma"ing a mista"e and getting hurt. *or some reason
when ! tal" to you# ! feel a sense of security. hen ! tal" to you my walls aren-t up. ! don$t feel the
need to be careful with you.;
After dropping Jill off at home# ! was overwhelmed with %oy. ! had so many good feelings toward
her and they were shared. ! had hope that ! could truly fall in love again.
Jill !arsen %ith her ne% blonde hair.
Chapter 13
Solae
Jordan *ordyce revealed herself to me. There was connection and there was brilliancy between
us# more so then the first time we met. .he showed me her inviting smile and loo"ed at me with her
luring# bright# ha+el eyes. Then fear overtoo" her face.
7Jordan# we have to get out of here48 *ordyce said# panic"ed as she grabbed my hand and led me
out of the .haw :onference :enter. .he ran into a par"ing lot with me.
7hat-s going on08 ! as"ed *ordyce in a demanding voice.
7They-re going to "ill you48
7ho08
A thundering sound echoed through the air and the window of a car shattered beside us. *ordyce
and ! too" flight towards the end of the par"ing lot. More echoing thunders ignited through the air
as glass# spar"s# and bullets whi++ed by us as we evaded imminent danger and duc"ed behind a car.
! awo"e from my dream and it was the weirdest thing to have one about *ordyce. ! hadn$t so
much as had a thought about her in nearly a year. ! thought ! had forgotten about her but obviously
my sub-conscience had not.
###
Jill called and as"ed me to come over# her parents were gone for a couple hours. hen ! "noc"ed
on her door# she answered dressed nicely and had her ma"e up very well done. !t was clear she
loo"ed as good as she did for me.
;9ou loo" really nice#; ! complimented.
;Than" you#; she smiled widely# ;we have a couple hours. My parents %ust left to go grocery
shopping and they$ll frea" if ! had a boy over.;
;9ou$re such a rebel#; ! teased.
Jill led me upstairs into the main living room# her house had more than one. hen ! sat down# !
san" into what felt li"e the most comfortable sofa ! had ever laid in. The room had an @? inch
television mounted on the wall and was lined with shelves containing the largest /B/ collection !
had ever seen.
! was on one end of the couch and Jill was sitting at the opposite end leaving a significant gap of
space between us. e had a really engaging conversation about what we loved to do and what we
were passionate about. After a while when the topic had run it$s course ! recogni+ed that we were
merely engaging in small tal".
Every time the conversation dropped for a few seconds ! would bring up something in her room
or bring up something that happened to me in the last few days.
3er eyes were loc"ed on me# she shared an inviting smile with me and ! "new she was waiting to
"iss me. And ! would have if it didn$t feel so damn aw"ward trying to slide across the couch closer
to her. hat if ! was wrong# what if she wasn$t inviting me to "iss her and ! loo"ed li"e the biggest
weirdo moving really close to her.
And then# the dog saved me. 3er new puppy :ooper ran into the room and %umped up on the
couch between us. Ising :ooper to close the gap ! pic"ed him up# sat where he was# and placed him
on my lap. ! was now beside Jill.
Jill leaned her head bac" against the couch loo"ing directly up into my eyes. (ow ! "new she
definitely wanted to be "issed. ! leaned in and engaged my mouth with hers. .he threw her hands up
around my nec". :ooper felt aw"ward and left us on the couch together.
Jill pushed me bac" and was practically laying on top of me. .he slipped one of her hands under
my shirt and ran it up my chest. ;.hould we be going to your bedroom0; ! %o"ed.
.he too" it seriously and grabbed me by the hand as she got up and led me into her room. ! sat
down on her bed and she aggressively tac"led me. ! had never had an e,perience li"e this# my heart
was pumping# ! was e,cited# ! was hard. .he pulled her shirt off before reaching bac" to undo her
bra.
! started to undress# ! ripped my shirt off and Jill undid my %eans and pulled them off onto the
floor.
Then the moment crashed down into pure chaos. A strange humming noise was coming from
beneath the house that was the garage door opening.
;)h my god#; Jill stammered as she %olted up# ;they$re never bac" this earlier.; .he snatched her
shirt and threw it on e,tremely <uic" and ran out of the room for a split second and ran bac" in.
;9ou have to get out of here4;
e heard the front door open and ! "new Jill$s parents were inside. ;hat do ! do0 3ide in the
closet0 Inder the bed0 3elp me out here4;
Jill$s parents called for her.
;Im# 3ere4; Jill said as she threw me my %eans and shirt# ;indow. (ow4;
! turned around and loo"ed at the window behind me# ;9ou$ve got to be "idding me...8
Jill opened her window and rushed me out. My bare feet san" into = nights worth of snowfall as !
climbed out onto Jill$s roof. My feet became cold and numb and ! hopped around loo"ing for a way
off Jill$s roof. ! considered running bac" and "noc"ing on Jill$s window if she didn$t loc" me out# but
! loo"ed toward the side of the house and saw a large snow pile beside the garage port where they
pushed all the shoveled snow from the driveway.
;)h god#; ! thought to myself# ;here goes.; as ! %umped ass first into the snow pile. !t was pretty
fro+en and my buttoc"s smac"ed against the hard surface. ! let out a loud groan of pain and wal"ed
out by the driveway where Jill$s dad was getting the last couple bags of groceries from the .IB.
All ! could blurt out was 73i#8 as my chee"s turned red with embarrassment.
3e gave me the strangest loo" ! had ever seen as ! wal"ed down the sidewal" in my bo,ers
carrying my clothes.
! te,ted Jill as ! got into the warmth of my own home# ;!$m sorry# your dad caught me leaving.
/id you get into trouble0;
;(o# my dad said he saw someone in their underwear leaving and as"ed me about it. ! said you
came to the door as some initiation pran" but got the wrong house. 3e believed me.;
! was immensely humoured by the set of events that had %ust too" place. !t felt li"e something
right out of a comedy film.
###
After hours of deep thought# my phone ignited a glow through the dar"ness of the evening
following that familiar resonating vibrate. ! pic"ed up the phone wondering who could possible be
calling me.
73ello# Jordan08 a soft voice flowed into my ear.
!t was a voice ! never imagined hearing again. ! "new who it was and responded in
bewilderment.
7*ordyce08
73ow-s it going0 'ong time no tal".8
7Bery. hat brings this une,pected phone call08
7!$m in the city right now and was hoping for a friend. !$m "ind of in a bind. :an you meet me08
7here are you08
7!-m actually pretty close to where# you "now# we first met.8
7That sounds good. 9ou can meet me at the .haw :onference :entre. ! can be there within the
hour.8
7That would be perfect4 )"ay bye4
72ye.8
7)h# and Jordan4 ! appreciate this. Than" you.8
! pressed end on the phone# threw on my coat# and wal"ed out the door.
/riving down the cities freeways# ! was submersed in frantic thought. The dream ! had this
morning and the random phone call from *ordyce# it was too strange.
! pulled into the par"ing lot of the convention center and spotted her standing outside the glass
doors where ! had seen her leave me for the first time. .he was curiously loo"ing around# wearing a
light blue scarf and blac" winter coat awaiting my arrival. ! stepped out of the vehicle and a smile
erupted on her face as ! approached# giving her my embrace.
7!t-s so nice to see you again#8 she e,asperated.
7!t$s great to see you too#8 ! smiled.
7God# you loo" different.8
7Good or bad08
7/efinitely good.8
.he pointed at herself cutely and raised an eyebrow.
79ou loo" the same# which is good. 9our beauty hasn$t lost it$s touch.8 ! said# bec"oning her
inside the conference centre. 7! thought we$d ta"e a tour of this place. A lot of touching memories
here.8
*ordyce and ! entered the building. !t hadn$t changed one bit. ! was en%oying the flashbac" feel !
was getting.8
7! never e,pected to see you again after the last time we tal"ed#8 ! said to *ordyce.
7hy would you thin" that08
7ell if ! recall# you basically called me a disposable friend and an insult to your relationship.8
79ou called me a sheep and told my boyfriend that ! became more of a liability then a friend.8
*ordyce countered.
7! stand by those#8 ! coldly remar"ed.
7!s that how you thin" of me48 she e,claimed# raising her voice# 79ou don-t understand4 9ou
don-t understand any of it48
7Then e,plain it# because it seems pretty clear to me.8
79ou have no idea how much that hurt me. 9ou didn$t even have any idea what ! was going
through. Especially after you changed so much# but ! suppose that$s not your interest# you want the
bottom line. ! really don$t li"e what you said about me# especially since !$m not li"e that at all. ! had
so many more problems to deal with because of you and ! stuc" up for you basically. !t$s great to
"now that it was worthwhile#8 she ended with a hurt loo" on her face. !t still didn-t e,cuse her for
what she did to me.
79ou shut me out of your life for something that happened so long ago and that was so
insignificant. :ould you please e,plain what you had to deal with because of me0 2ecause !-m
having trouble seeing it from your point of view. ! will ta"e the time to try understanding if you
don$t thin" !-m seeing it right#8 ! offered.
! really didn-t mind ta"ing the time to let her e,plain her side of things. Even though ! chose to
hold my ground and stand by my decisions# it felt warming to have her bac" in my life. Everything !
felt that was missing in my life seemed to dwindle away at her presence. ! was content with her by
my side.
7!t seemed insignificant to you# but with my $stupidity$ as you called it of going bac" to my
boyfriend caused an awful lot of bumps for it. ! was constantly getting into fights over you# when !
didn$t see the point in it. To us and our relationship# it was significant because it made everything
harder on our relationship. After he proved himself to me# ! <uestioned the whole thing# so ! shut
you out for him. This probably ma"es you mad but after what you said about me and to my
boyfriend& that erased all the hard feelings ! had for doing that to you. .o call me pathetic and a
stuc" up bitch if you want but ! was only trying to ma"e things wor".8
7!-m sorry ! put such hardship on your relationship. ! guess ! can understand that. ! "now how
your boyfriend probably sees it because !$ve been in his situation before and ! don$t blame him.
:ircumstances are very different for me now and my past has no relation to my present. That being
said# ! won-t hold any of it against you as long as you can do the same.8
7!-d li"e that# and he-s not my boyfriend anymore. ! caught him at a resturuant with another girl#
so ! guess you were right from the start.8
e came to the entrance of the main auditorium. The doors were wide open and it was filled
with people. There was a women on stage tal"ing about donations. !t appeared to be a charity event.
e stopped in the middle of the vigorous room and pointed things out.
7This is where ! first saw you perform#8 *ordyce stated# 7and thought you were the most
interesting and talented boy on the runway. !t-s too bad neither of us got anywhere here#8 envying
over her dreams as she reminisced.
7(ot many people did get anywhere. The organi+ers of the event did an outstanding %ob at
ma"ing all this seem legitimate# however# it was nothing less of a scam#8 ! said# informing her of
my last encounter with 5andy :hartrand.
7.uch a waste of talent48 *ordyce loo"ed to the ground feeling fooled.
7!t wasn-t a waste for me# ! grew so much here and it-s how ! met you. !t-s what gave me
confidence in my ability when ! felt ! had nothing to offer. !t changed my life and became one of the
most pivotal points in my history.8
7!-m glad it became something to you. 9ou definitely earned your recognition upon this place.8
7ell# what do you "now# this is where we first "issed#8 ! reminisced as we wal"ed bac" out into
the lobby. The same blac"# leather chairs were still there.
*ordyce-s phone began ringing until she pulled it out of her coat and sent the call straight to end.
(othing could have covered up the hurt loo" in her eyes as she put the phone bac" into her poc"et.
7hat-s wrong08 ! as"ed in concern.
7(othing#8 she replied with a smile in hope of hiding any emotion she may have revealed.
7There-s more to this surprise then you-re letting on#8 ! interrogated.
.he sighed in surrender. 7hen ! caught /om cheating on me# ! didn-t "now who the girl was
but they seemed very into each other and there was undeniably something intimate there. 3e$s been
calling me none-stop and "eeps showing up at my house. 3e$s been tal"ing about doing some cra+y
things# violent things. ! don$t want to get the cops involved because ! "now he$s %ust really hurt from
losing me# but ! didn$t feel safe and %ust had to get out of there. ! had to get out of that whole town
and Edmonton was the best place for me to go. 9ou-re the only one who ever really tried to be there
for me in the past. 9ou were the only person ! really had to call#8 she said# silently as"ing for my
help.
7!-m disappointed that it ta"es a last resort to have you spea"ing to me# but !-m willing to help
you. ! can offer you a place to stay. 9ou may stay as long as you need until you get things sorted
out.8
7Than" you#8 *ordyce spo"e almost in a whisper.
*ordyce-s phone began ringing again and the hurt loo" on her face returned li"e every other time
she had to loo" at her caller !/.
7Allow me#8 ! said# holding my hand out and loo"ing into her eyes with sincerity.
.he handed me the phone and ! answered the call with valance.
79ou must be /om.8
7ho is this08 /om replied in his deep voice demanding an answer.
7!$m Jordan# it may sound familiar to you. ! was the one who originally pointed out you-re
disloyal habits to miss *ordyce. The guy you used to argue about night upon night for <uite some
time. 3ow does it feel to "now that the one you claim to love has come to me for help in regard to
running away from you08 ! said into the phone# emphasi+ing great cynicism.
79ou have no idea who ! am# and you have no idea what you$re fuc"ing with. 9ou$re putting
yourself in a dangerous place. ! don-t "now who you are e,actly but !-ve heard about you. 9ou-ve
caused me a lot of trouble and it-s not going to end well for you. ! will give you one chance to
convince my girlfriend that it$s in her best interest to come home now48 /om demanded# raising his
voice.
7ell as much as ! appreciate the threat you feel ! oppose to you# ! refuse to steer such a girl in
the wrong direction. !f you want her# you-re going to have to come and get her and then ! guarantee
you this: ! will be standing in your way#8 ! finali+ed as ! hung up the phone without giving the man
on the other end a chance to reply.
79ou might$ve %ust egged him on enough to come down here and find you#8 *ordyce said in a
worrisome tone.
7/o ! loo" worried08 ! as"ed# sort of laughing.
7(o# but ! don-t thin" you reali+e how serious he is.8
7! have resources here#8 ! win"ed.
75esources0 )h# ! "now what you mean.8
7e should head out#8 ! told *ordyce# 7 !-ll show you my place.8
7Alright#8 *ordyce nodded in agreement.
*ordyce and ! left the :onference :entre and ! motioned her to enter my car.
7.o how did you afford a sports car08 *ordyce as"ed admiringly.
7!t was actually pretty cheap# but it$s a collectors car#8 ! remar"ed.
! roared the *iero$s engine and floored the gas pedal at the intersections to impress Jordan. .he
seemed to have been en%oying herself in the passenger seat.
After several intersections# ! loo"ed at her# assessing her silent thoughts.
7/o you ever wish you could go bac"08 she as"ed# ambivalently.
7hat do you mean08 ! as"ed curiously.
7Go bac" ten or so years and ta"e everything you "now with you.8
7All the time# but that won$t really change your circumstances. 9ou can ma"e different choices
for the past and they$ll ta"e you somewhere new# but you can also do that right now and not "now
where you$ll end up either.8
7! can-t really e,plain it# ! have so much regret. 9ou have similar feelings don-t you08 she as"ed
assumingly.
7(ot e,actly.8
7E,plain08
7! don-t have regret# not for myself at least. Everything ! ever did was to the best of my ability. !
ma"e a lot of mista"es because ! tend to follow my emotion even when my instinct is screaming at
me not to. The thing about that is# even if your choices blow up in your face# at least you did what
was right for you in the moment. That$s how ! %ustify it at least8 ! e,plained to her.
!t felt that even though ! was tal"ing to *ordyce# the words ! spo"e were not for her but for
myself# ! was assuring myself that ! couldn-t have controlled the past.
Chapter 14
'hen The Past &eets The Present
! had nearly forgotten about *ordyce and what happened the previous night. hen ! got out of
bed# ! was surprised to find *ordyce sleeping on my couch# she loo"ed so sweet and peaceful.
! wasn$t sure how to treat the situation from there out. ! wondered what Jill would thin"# !
wondered what ! would thin". The past couple days with Jill had been nothing but ama+ing# but
seeing *ordyce unburied so many feelings. ! wanted to "eep my conflicted feelings from *ordyce. !f
she "new ! had them and she felt something too# ! didn$t "now if ! would be able to ma"e the
decision to not be with her. ! was unsure of her and positive about Jill.
! left *ordyce a note on the coffee table saying that ! had gone out for a bit and to ma"e herself at
home. ! went for a wal" to process my thoughts# ! ended up outside the mini-mansion. ! "noc"ed on
the door and 1aige answered. Jill wasn$t home# but 1aige had invited me inside. ! opened up to
1aige about *ordyce# told her that ! saw her last night# e,plained that she was staying with me# and
told her that ! wasn$t sure what to do about it.
1aige "new all about Jordan *ordyce from reading early drafts of my boo"# she was aware of the
history.
7! hear that you and my sister are starting to hit it off#8 1aige said# raising an eyebrow.
79eah# !$m sorry ! never tal"ed to you about that. e$ve been hanging out a lot and !$m starting to
really li"e her.8
7!s she a Jordan *ordyce0 2ecause if she$s not# !$m not sure !$m going to let you date her. .he
really li"es you and deserves better if you$re still loo"ing for a girl who can be that to you.8
! went silent. ! actually had to thin" about it for a second. 7*uc" *ordyce#8 ! said aloud. ! paused
thin"ing about what ! had %ust said#79eah# fuc" *ordyce. ! gave her everything ! had to give. ! made
every sacrifice ! could possibly ma"e for her and it still wasn$t good enough. ! can$t believe it$s
ta"en me this long to reali+e it but she$s pathetic. ! begged for her# but the truth is she should$ve
begged for me and she didn$t. ! don$t need *ordyce# ! need a girl who is more than *ordyce ever
was# and Jill may be that. Trust me# ! won$t brea" her heart.8
1aige nodded approvingly. 79ou finally get it#8 she smiled# 7you better not choose *ordyce or Jill
and ! are going to murder you in your sleep. !$m not "idding# treat her right# she deserves the best.8
The truth was# ! "new what ! said# but my mind had not made that decision. ! was still deeply
conflicted.
7)n another note#8 1aige said# 7!$m having another big party tonight. Are you coming0 9ou can
bring Jordan. !n fact# bring as many people as you can# it$s going to be good. 8
! thought it was a great idea. !t would help *ordyce get a little more accommodated in
Edmonton.
! decided to head bac" to my house to see if *ordyce was awa"e# she was. *ordyce and ! spent
most the day learning about what each other had been up to for the past year. ! showed her pictures
from my Me,ico trip and showed her things around my house that had stories attached them. !
pulled out a shoe bo, filled with "eep sa"es and dug up my old :.MT number that had *ordyce$s
email and phone number that she had written on the bac" of it.
79ou still have that08 she gasped.
! had also found a picture of her and ! together that ! forgot ! had. .he loo"ed from it to me# her
face so close to mine. (ot even a second later we were "issing& a huge rush of butterflies hit me and
! felt so overwhelmed. ! couldn$t stop# everything ! ever felt for her had come rushing bac" to the
surface. Than the image of Jill flic"ered through my mind and ! pulled away.
7hat am ! doing08 ! whispered to myself. 7/on$t do that again#8 ! said to Jordan and left the
room. .he followed me out.
7hat$s wrong08 she as"ed# 7! "now you$re "ind of bitter about what happened between us in the
past but tell me how you feel.8
7! have a girlfriend.8
7)h#8 *ordyce said in disappointment# staring at the floor# 7that ma"es sense.8
7.he$s good for me.8
7!$m sorry# ! didn$t "now. !$m %ust going to go.8 *ordyce grabbed her coat and headed for the
door.
7/on$t go. !$m glad you$re here. !$m %ust confused. 9ou feel so right but ! can$t do that to Jill. !
care about her and things are going so well.8
7! should definitely go#8 *ordyce finali+ed# her voice strained. .he opened the door.
7.top48 ! shouted. .he ignored the demand and left.
! felt li"e complete shit. ! went to my room# put on some depressing music and laid in my bed for
over an hour.
! finally motivated myself to get up and sent out invites for 1aige$s party that night. My pub
crawl friends were coming and that right there was enough for a wild party.
! was hoping *ordyce would come bac" at some point but she didn$t. ! figured she ran bac" to
Grimshaw.
! drove out to the li<uor store and bought te<uila# vod"a# and blue curaco before leaving to the
party a little bit early.
! pulled onto the mansion driveway. ! placed all the li<uor ! bought perfectly in my arms li"e !
was a human gift bas"et. ! wal"ed up to the doorstep and when 1aige answered she gracefully
welcomed me in with all the gifts ! brought.
! dropped the boo+e on the "itchen counter. A group of girls ran into the "itchen as"ed 1aige if
they could %ump in the hot tub. 1aige nodded approvingly. 1aige as"ed to spea" with me alone and
led me up to her room.
79ou told me you wouldn$t go for *ordyce48
7hat ma"es you thin" ! did08
79ou "issed her#8 she replied while crossing her arms.
73ow the hell do you "now that08 ! stammered.
79ou get one more chance. /on$t fuc" it up48
.he left the room a little bit tempered and left me in shoc" and awe.
hen ! got bac" downstairs# the mansion filled up moderately. Most of the mass headed out into
the bac"yard. Many attractive and superficial girls were dancing around# getting drun"# and slipping
into the hot tub.
! spotted Jill tal"ing to some of her friends and approached. 3er group of friends saw me coming
and dispersed from Jill li"e they "new about me and the dilemma between *ordyce. Even though !
never told Jill about *ordyce# ! had a feeling she "new about her and what she represented.
7That was weird# do your friends not li"e me08
7!$m sure they$d li"e you but they don$t want to get caught in the drama.8
7! "new there was going to be something when ! wal"ed up to you.8
Jill urged me to follow her# we went outside the gate of her bac" yard and she too" me to the
loo"out where we had shared our first date together.
7The view is much different at night# it has a different "ind of beauty that you can$t see in the day
time#8 ! said# engaging in small tal" to hide from the inevitable drama that about to ensue.
Jill bit her lip and turned her bac" to me# then turned bac" around and slapped me across the
face. 3er lip <uivered and tears began running down her face.
! turned my head away to hide the tears that started falling from my own face. ! "new how badly
! hurt her after seeing her emotion discharged.
79ou should$ve told me there was someone else48 Jill shouted# as she regained some of her
composure.
7There wasn$t. .he was appeared bac" into my life %ust yesterday. ! didn$t "now this would
happen.8
7hat did you thin" would happen0 9ou invited her to stay at your place# and with your history
with her# did you really thin" nothing would happen08
7! guess 1aige told you everything#8 ! as"ed wea"ly.
79es# she did. ! wish you would$ve told me about Jordan *ordyce# especially since she$s in town
and coming to the party tonight.8
7ait# what0 3ow on earth would she be coming to the party tonight08
71aige is smarter than you thin". .he loo"ed her up on *aceboo" and made her an offer she
couldn$t refuse. .he$ll be here.8
7hoa# !$m not falling for that# nice try. 9ou and 1aige are obviously trying to put me through
some "ind of test.8
79ou bet we$re testing you. The ultimate test is to see if you wal" away with Jordan *ordyce
tonight or if you stay here with me.8
! couldn$t believe it. There was no way *ordyce was actually coming tonight. !f she did# ! admit
that it would still be hard to turn her down but ! would# ! "new ! would.
79ou should go bac" now#8 Jill told me# 7do me a favor and don$t tal" to me until you ma"e up
your mind. !$d rather have the bandage be ripped off <uic"ly.8
Jill stared into me with %ealousy but most of all disappointment. .he was right# ! was deeply
conflicted. There was a good chance !$d wal" away with *ordyce if the right moment presented
itself.
! started wal"ing but noticed Jill stood inert at the loo"out. 7Are you coming08 ! as"ed
concerned.
7Go#8 she demanded#7! need some time to myself.8
*or the first time in a long time# ! was scared. All the choices and options were in my hands# !
held the final decision but ! was afraid of the vast amount of uncertainty that would present itself in
the coming hours. ! didn$t want to lose Jill# and ! didn$t want to alienate *ordyce# but one or the
other had to happen.
hen ! arrived bac" at the mini-mansion# ! started pouring bac" shots of vod"a. ! was under a lot
pressure and thought little of the influence that drin"ing would have on such an immense decision.
1aige wal"ed out of the house and *ordyce followed behind her. ! felt uneasy seeing her because
! "new that everything ! did tonight from that moment on would change everything. !t would
change the disposition of some of my friends# and it would alter my long term happiness if ! made
the wrong decision between the two women. The decisions ! made tonight would impact me for
countless times to come.
Jordan *ordyce loo"ed around and saw me. .he gracefully wal"ed over to me and said# 7! love
your friends. They$re so friendly and welcoming.
7!$m glad my friends are ma"ing you feel so welcomed#8 ! replied# finding it a little hard to fa"e a
smile.
7About the "iss earlier# !$m sorry for that but it wasn$t really my fault. 9ou never told me you had
a girlfriend and you "issed me bac"...hardcore48 she pouted cutely.
! couldn$t help but laugh at her loo". 79eah# ! definitely should$ve told you#8 ! replied with
honesty.
7.o# you have to choose between us08
! nodded.
79ou$$ve done pretty good for yourself but ! don$t thin" ! should be in the e<uation. !t seems li"e
you have a good life and you$re happy. !$m %ust complicating things for you.8
7/on$t sell yourself short# you$re an ama+ing person with so much to offer. ! could do so much
good with someone li"e you in my life.8
7.ee# that-s what ! love about you& when life throws you a curve ball# you get even more into the
game. 9ou$ve got this aura that shows off how strong you are. 2ut you$re respectable too# not %ust an
airhead. ith you# when something happens# you overcome it. 9ou can do anything# Jordan
Gardiner.;
;ow#8 ! said# stunned# 7you see that in me0 That is e,actly the person ! have been willing
myself to be. The fact that you actually see me as that is flattering. ! have this drive in me to be far
more than anyone else. ! want to earn a significant place in this world. !t actually depresses me <uite
often. ! feel li"e all the wor" !$ve been doing for the past couple years had led to nearly nothing. !
still don$t even have a foothold in where ! want to be.8
7Jordan# what you don$t reali+e about yourself is that you are already going much further than a
lot of people. 9ou are strong and driven. 9ou have a lot of talent and you use your talent in the right
ways# further pursuing your dreams and goals and not using it simply for attention. 9ou are true to
yourself and even more-so true to the people around you# that is so golden# you don$t even "now. !t
might seem li"e you$ve gotten nowhere but everything you$ve done has only added to your character
and life e,perience. /on$t ever feel li"e you haven$t done anything when your %ourney is only %ust
beginning. 9ou are going to ma"e a mar" on this world# ! %ust "now it.8
! was so touched. .he was the only one that had ever ac"nowledged me for the things she
described.
7! can$t tell you how great of a person you are really are. 9ou can see and recogni+e things
underneath everything else. ! "now you$re intelligent and driven too. 9ou$re going to be on top of
the world some day.8
7! pay attention to personality. hen people are different# ! am intrigued. The very first time we
met# you were completely original# and you had this artistic view of the world. e pay attention to
the display of raw emotion in different art forms# not li"e a robot& fa"e# plastic# li"e everyone else.
9ou are true to yourself# you have substance to the way you live your life. ! always held great
respect for you because of that.8
7/o you ever wonder if there$s something wrong with us08 ! as"ed. 7The "ind of people we are#
so emotionally dependant# it$s not an advantage.8
7!t can be#8 she replied# 7sure# there-s a lot more around to get us down and it effects us a lot
more than others# but when we got our shit together and things are going right# nothing can bring us
down. e have a much higher drive to get what we want compared to most people. )ur chances of
succeeding are higher than most others.8
! saw Jill# she arrived through the bac" gate and was loo"ing across the yard toward *ordyce and
!. e made eye contact and a saddened e,pression overtoo" her face. As *ordyce and ! continued
tal"ing# ! assumed she had been observing us for some time and reali+ed the connection ! had with
Jordan.
7/o you want to go for a wal"08 ! suggested to *ordyce.
e wal"ed down the street away from the mini-mansion# we were silent for several minutes
merely reading each other$s body language and facial e,pressions. ! "ept running the two choices
through my head# playing them out and all the scenarios that would ensue. ! wanted to choose
*ordyce so badly# but she didn$t feel li"e the morally correct decision.
7! always thought about you#8 *ordyce told me# loo"ing into my eyes with sincerity. A spar"ling
glimmer reflected off her eyes from the street light above. The captivity of her eyes were luring and
delicate. ! wanted to do the only thing that could feel right in a moment such as that& to "iss her.
3er face was close to mine again. 7!$m trying so hard not "iss you#8 ! whispered. .o many
thoughts were rushing through my head. ! didn-t "now how to react and what the right decision
was. My instincts told me to protect myself and leave my guard up# but she was what ! always
wanted. ! fought so hard for her in the past and she ignored every effort ! made. ! didn-t "now if it
was a good idea that her and ! should continue digging up these emotions bac" after ! so deeply
buried them.
7*ordyce# what ! felt# what we both felt was so long ago. e-ve both changed so much and !-m
without <uestion an entirely different person. There is nothing of my past left in me. The feelings
you have right now are for that young boy that dreamed of being successful. !f you really pursue
me# you may not li"e what you find. That young boy is lost and he won-t be found.
7! "now you$re not that young innocent boy anymore#8 *ordyce said as she put her hand up to the
side of my face# 7you used to loo" so sweet# cute# and positive# but now your face has this hardened
edge to it# your eyes are more serious# you$ve been through a lot since ! last seen you. 9ou-re still
the same person though# at your core.8
79ou-re willing to throw it all on the table for me08
7! am.8
3ow could ! turn my bac" on what ! always wanted. 3ow could ! deny such a powerful
connection. ! made my decision. ! felt a urge that was brought on by the re"indled connection
between *ordyce and !. ! wanted to get out of there with my pri+e. ! wanted to ta"e her home and
not loo" behind me because the longer ! stayed around# the more ! felt bad and guilty about Jill.
! wal"ed toward my place with *ordyce. The further we got from the mansion the more ! "ept
loo"ing bac". Jill$s face "eep flic"ering through my mind. ! "new ! was ma"ing the wrong decision.
! had given *ordyce so many chances and she turned her bac" on all them# but there was Jill who
never turned down the only chance ! ever presented.
7! can$t do this#8 ! said# loo"ing into *ordyce$s eyes apologetically# 7! have always wanted you#
you will always have this special place in my heart. 2ut you made your decision years ago and there
is one girl bac" at that party who believes in me and loves me. .he never gave up her one and only
chance when you gave up every and years worth of chances with me. !$m sorry# but it too" you to
want me to reali+e that this isn$t right.8
! ran down the sidewal" and bac" into the mansion. ! loo"ed throughout the house and yard# but
Jill was nowhere to be found. ! scanned my eyes through the countless do+ens of into,icated party-
goers and spotted 1aige.
7/o you "now where Jill is0 ! need to tal" to her right away.8
7! haven$t seen her in a little while# did you chec" her room08
! went upstairs and tried her door.
.he was sitting alone on her bed# po"ing a straw in and out of the ice in her empty glass. .he
loo"ed depressed li"e her world had %ust collapsed from beneath her feet.
7! chose#8 ! said plainly as ! wal"ed up to her. .he loo"ed up at me with an unsettling loo" on her
face. ! "nelt down in front of her so that our faces were at an e<ual level. 7! care about you
immensely. !$m unsure if being with *ordyce is truly the right thing but the thing ! am sure about is
you.8
.he loo"ed at me# a tear formed in her eye# rolled off her face# and landed on the carpet. 7! was
so sure you were going to pic" her.8 .he said as she got up and hugged me tightly. .he rested her
head on my shoulder. ! bec"oned her to lift her head# when she did# ! "issed her. !t felt right# not
lustful and over+ealous li"e the "iss with *ordyce. There was symmetry in the "iss with Jill.
7! love you#8 she said# her voice sha"y from the imminent loss she e,pected to feel.
7! love you too#8 ! said happily# 7what do you say we have some fun. This is your party after all.8
! e,tended my hand out to her# she too" it as ! lead her bac" downstairs. 1aige saw us and smiled at
me approvingly. ! smiled bac" at her.
Jill and ! %umped into the hot tub with drin"s in hand. The sil"y blonde tips of her hair dipped
into the water. 3er eyes were so full of passion and happiness.
Jill feeling that she nearly lost me awa"ened many new and stronger feelings in her. .he felt a
huge pull away and those emotions arose a need to pull me bac". 1erhaps *ordyce needed to happen
so that we could both reali+e our true feelings for each other. ! felt a new "ind of connection with
her that ! hadn$t before& it felt li"e bliss.

B
#ate has a %ay of finding your vulnerabilities %here you least e<pect them* illuminating them
so that you reali.e ho% glaringly obvious they are* and then mercilessly driving a spi"e straight into
their most delicate center.
G Tommy 'ee# The /irt
Chapter 1
+e$risal
The drop of blood glimmered as it fell spashing onto the hardwood floor. ! stared at it# feeling
that it was a metaphorical message for me. !t left the body and now it was %ust puddled there#
separated from where it belonged. !t was me. !t was my blood.
.he released her long# finger nails that penetrated my nape.
73E( A5E 9)I G)!(G T) .T)1 )56!(G )( T3AT *I:6!(G 2))6 A(/
5EA'!VE T3AT ! /)(T ')BE 9)I A(9M)5E48
! %umped out of my seat. .he lunged at me trying to inflict harm# but ! grabbed her arms and held
them bac" against the wall until she stopped thrashing at me.
7J!''48 ! shouted# 79ou can say you don$t love me but ! "now you do. ! "now it$s tough. ! "now
! wor" too much but ! swear we will function normally again#; ! began rationali+ing as tears rapidly
secreted from my eyes. ;!$m almost done the boo"# it can generate some income# ! can pay more
attention to you.; !t pained me to see her act out li"e that# because ! "new things would never be the
same.
7! miss Audrey. ! feel so empty without her#8 Jill croa"ed# bawling her eyes out and collapsing to
the floor. 7! can$t tell you what this feels li"e#8 she cho"ed between sobs. Jill had been vicillating
between periods of e,treme anger and violence# and %ags of fitful cathartic sobbing.
7! miss her too. ! thin" about her everyday. ! wanted to be a father.8
79ou would$ve been a terrible father#8 she replied# hatefully.
7! guess we$ll never "now since you "illed her behind my bac"#8 ! replied# spitefully# 7and !$m the
bad parent08
7e$re really over this time48 she replied as she left the room to pac" her things.
;G)4 9)I$5E /AMAGE/ 2E9)(/ 5E1A!54 T3E5E !. () 3E'1!(G 9)I# T3E5E$.
() 5E'AT!)(.3!1 'E*T. T3E5E$. ()T3!(G4; ! screamed at the top of my voice so she could
hear how permanent ! made it from across the hall.
! could see the rebellious and careless traits of her sister surfacing during her reprisal.
*or some reason# Jill partly blamed me for the abortion of our child. Jill was four months
pregnant with my daughter# Audrey Jessica Gardiner# when ! came home from wor" one day to find
Jill$s stomach abnormally smaller.
;.he$s gone#; Jill told me# ;! had to# we weren$t ready.;
! was devastated.
! told Jill that ! forgave her to save the relationship& but they were words with empty meaning. !
wanted to forgive and let go more badly than anything. 2ut ! couldn$t. ! couldn$t control my bitter
and cold disposition for what she had done. !n turn# that bitterness brewed a rebellious demeanor
toward me as she went out and slept with another man.
! sensed her change in a way that ! never had before. .he appeared indifferent when she started
lying to me. !n the three years of being together# ! couldn$t recall her ever lying to me# and then !
learned that she had cheated on me some time ago. .he told me to spite me# called me clueless# and
had no regrets.
.o out of anger and despair# ! grabbed some hot little burnette# eighteen and in her graduation
year# and fuc"ed her in our own house while Jill was alseep in the ad%acent room.
!t was when we could no longer offer eachother fidelity that ! "new we were a lost cause. ! still
loved her# but there was too much resent to ever go bac" to the way things once were.
Jill and ! had two happy years together. The third and final year of our relationship was in
shambles.
! had given up my lu,urious accommodations due to unfortunate circumstances and Jill moved
out of the mini-mansion to live in a four-bedroom townhouse with me.
Jill$s parents had neglected her for ma"ing the decision to move in with me at such a young age
but she felt ! was worth the sacrifice. e sacrificed much for each other# enduring full time %obs#
money problems# and two pregnancies. G due to unforeseen circumstances# the first child wasn$t
born either. G )ur lives became so overloaded with responsibilities and wor" that neither of us had
time to en%oy them anymore.
Through all that resentment# she somehow thought that ! owed her the lifestyle she chose to
leave because in her mind# ! too" her away from it. ! didn$t "now her parents were going to disown
her choices# ! didn$t "now they were going to refuse her financial help. ! didn$t see that she was too
young# too ine,perienced# too dependant to not crac" under so much responsiblity.
As Jill was ransac"ing the closet in our bedroom# ! opened the door beside my wor" des" and
grabbed the little blac" bo, inside. ! opened it and loo"ed at the diamond ring ! had purchased to
propose to Jill with. ! got up# wal"ed across the hall and stood in the doorway before Jill.
;.o much has happened. !t$s hard to figure out how we got here. .eeing us li"e this brea"s my
heart and !$m trying my best to not feel li"e !$m screwing around trying to solve a problem that can$t
be fi,ed. ! have to believe that ! can do something. 9ou don$t need to say anything# but !$m going to
give you this#; ! e,plained as ! placed the bo, in her hand. ;This is what you mean to me. /on$t
undo everything we$ve accomplished. ! meant my promise when ! said ! would never leave you# did
you mean yours0;
;! left the room and gave her the much needed space.;
! gave my final attempt to save our relationship# but ! never reali+ed that the innocent girl ! fell in
love with was dead. And the hate that this changed Jill 'arsen had for me was unrelenting.
Jill rebounded faster than ! could imagine. .he sold the ring at a pawn shop and was in another
relationship one wee" after leaving# ma"ing it no secret that she was already fuc"ing the guy. !
begged her to stop# and made consistent efforts for reconcile.
Jill$s father never thought much of me# and being a retired lawyer# he called in a favor to one of
his friends employed by the 5oyal :anadian Mountian 1olice.
###
The police showed up at my house. ! "new it was because of Jill# so ! stepped out to tal" to the
two officers thin"ing that they would at least be fair& ! couldn$t have been more wrong. Jill used all
her powers to con%ure up the greatest sob story the police had ever heard.
The officers slapped handcuffs around my wrists and transported me to the police station where !
was charged and forced to sign a promise to appear. They soon after released me on bail with
conditions.
hen ! got home# ! sat in my car staring into space for a moment# then everything came boiling
to the surface. ! screamed and screamed while mercilessly slamming my right fist into the dash of
my car more times than ! could count. 7*I:6 9)I# G)/4 9)I$5E ()T3!(G4 9)I$5E ()T
5EA'4 ! A.6E/ 9)I *)5 3E'1# ! 15A9E/ T) 9)I A(/ ! 2EGGE/4 3E5E A5E 9)I0
3E5E T3E *I:6 A5E 9)I0 ! (EE/E/ 9)I A(/ 9)I A2A(/)(E/ ME# 9)I 'E*T
ME *)5 /EA/4; ! shouted at the top of my lungs but calmed down and spo"e <uietly# ;but...but
that$s only cause you$re not real and !$m tal"ing to myself.; ! loo"ed at my fist that was cut# gashed#
and dripping in blood. ! felt di++y# opened my car door# and then discharged my stomach$s content
onto the pavement.
! was falling into a suicidal rut. Jill was my love and ! made her my life. !t pained me to stand
aside and watch her new relationship progress through *aceboo" and word of mouth.
(ow# ! couldn$t spea" to her# have a friend pass on a message# couldn$t go near her place of
residence# school# or employment: these were the conditions of my bail# along with having to
completely abstain from alcohol and any non-prescription drug.
The court dates and legal headache ensued. ! would soon be drowning in lawyer fees.
###
My life was a freeflowing organism impossible to predict. !t changed and adapted as it pleased#
leaving preconcieved e,pectations to fail everytime. ! reali+ed an inner plot being wor"ed against
me after it was too late. ! was compromised by the person ! trusted most# the person ! sacrificed
everything for. ! was sent hurdling to the dar"est recesses of my mind and once you let the dar"ness
in# it never comes out.
! self-medicated myself with a D.DC litre bottle of vod"a every night while listening to Jill$s audio
statements against me to the police. )ver the previous year# ! was developing a problem with
alcohol# using it as a writing aid. (ow# my alcoholism had become more severe than it had ever
been.
! was transported to the hospital by police on numerous occasions after ! would call the suicide
crisis line and pour my drun"en heart out.
.uicidal ideation is what they said ! had.
! hired a therapist for a hundred-fifty dollars per session. .he was attractive to loo" at# ! could tell
her about my problems# and she used to wor" in a court house so she was able to give me free legal
advice. !t was only in front of her that ! felt ! could act li"e ! had some self-worth again. !
downplayed how miserable and pathetic ! felt because ! was attracted to her. .he began to wonder
why ! needed her sessions because ! always came into her office feeling confident# acting li"e ! had
my shit together. ! wanted her to thin" ! was different from all the nutcases she got in her office.
After ! as"ed her out# and she turned me down# ! didn$t have it in me to face her again.
! became addicted to pain "illers# the Tylenol =$s# by popping twelve a night and drin"ing
alcohol. ! e,perienced the greatest rushes where ! could thin" about Jill and feel nothing. 2ut !
started overdosing# contemplating the need of medical attention. !nstead# ! would lay in bed
gambling on the chance of not wa"ing up.
! started getting severe chest pains where my heart was. !$d been running my body down and was
deteriorating from the inside. ! almost became hopeful that the pains were some "ind of terminal
illness that would soon put me to rest.
! loo"ed into the 5estricted 1ossession and Ac<uisition 'icense so ! could legally purchase
firearms in :anada. hat ! intended to do with it# ! was unsure. Eventually ! ac<uired a handgun by
other means. ! dran" many nights# too" the weapon out of its case# loaded it# and stared down the
barrel of the gun. ! was contemplating my life.
! started doing research on the process of dieing. The research claimed that after death occurred
and your body could no longer sustain itself# their was a moment of limbo that was the process of
all your brain cells dieing rapidly. Apparently this was the reason for claims of memories flashing
before your eyes and out of body e,periences.
###
There was a light tapping on the front door. hen ! answered# 1aige was une,pectedly standing
in my doorway.
7Jordan#8 she said in a concerning tone.
7/o you "now what your sister is doing to me08 ! stammered.
7That$s why !$m here. ! "now you didn$t do half the stuff she$s accusing you of. ! "now you didn$t
hit her48
7!s T3AT what she$s saying now08
1aige nodded grimly. ! invited her inside and we sat down in the living room. 7! came to give
you these#8 she told me as she handed me a large orange envelope.
7hat is this08
73er emails to some of her friends.8
! briefly loo"ed over the documents and then loo"ed up at 1aige with than"ful eyes. .he had %ust
given me evidence that would vastly help my defence against the charges.
7hy are you helping me08 ! as"ed# stunned.
72ecause !$m shoc"ed that this is happening and ! don$t agree with my sister. ! don$t "now why
she$s ta"ing it so far# this does not need to go to court. .he was telling me that she wants to open a
lawsuit against you too for the rest of her belongings.8
7.he never even as"ed or came bac" for them. Ta"e them with you if you want.8
7!$m sorry she$s being so unreasonable.8
7! don$t "now what !$m going to do# 1aige.8
7! "now you loved her.8
7hat do you "now about this new guy in her life08
7(ot much.8
7/o you "now his name08
7!$m not giving it to you.8
71lease tell me his name.8
7(o# because ! don$t trust you to not go after him.8
! decided not to push it. ! couldn$t believe that 1aige was on my side. .he was an asset.
7!$m not myself. ! don$t feel right# 1aige. The thoughts in my head# they$d scare the fuc" out of
you& they scare the fuc" out of me4
1aige moved closer and embraced me. ! foolishly turned and "issed 1aige. .he "issed me bac"
for a brief moment and then pulled away# loo"ing shoc"ed. 7That shouldn$t have happened#8 she
said# loo"ing ambivalent.
7! wish it could$ve wor"ed between us. ! wish Jill never had to become an option. 2ut we weren$t
meant to be# were we08 .he %ust loo"ed at me# wondering how ! got so bro"en. 7 !$m sorry. !$m far
from a clear mind. ! feel completely shattered.8
7! "now. ! can hardly recogni+e you right now. 9ou loo" awful. ! get that you$re see"ing comfort
wherever you can find it# if you need a girl# go and find one. !t %ust can$t be me and you "now why.8
7! "now. ! would find some meaningless se, if ! could# but !$m sure you can see that !$m in no
condition to ma"e a girl attracted to me.8
7! wish ! could stay and be here for you# but ! can$t. Maybe when this is all over# we can be
normal friends again. Good luc"# Jordan.8
1aige hugged me one final time and then left the house.
That night ! too" more pain "illers than usual# and of course ! downed them with whis"ey li"e !
usually did. ! started having a terrible reaction# worse than any before. My whole body got the
sha"es# ! couldn$t stand up# and then my arms and legs started to go numb. My chest started getting
sharp pains that ran up through my arm. ! thought this was it# ! was really in trouble this time. !
debated calling poison control# but ! didn$t. ! laid on my couch baring through the pain. Eventually
! started getting scared# wondering if ! was really done living.
! reluctantly pulled the phone out of my poc"et and was so out of it that ! couldn$t even decipher
which contact ! pressed on my touchscreen.
7Jordan08 A familiar voice resonated into my ear.
73elp#8 was the only word that made it out of my mouth before ! lost consciousness.
Chapter 2
%f There 'as E!er A Perfet Girl
Jessica .haw# nic"named JJ& she was a fun loving# blue-eyed brunette with a personality that out-
shined that of any girl !$d met. .he had a burning determination and ambition that carried her far.
.he reminded me of 1aige$s charisma and *ordyce$s ambition. ithin ten minutes of meeting of this
girl# it was clear that she was going places in the world. .he was starting ma"e-up artistry courses in
a few wee"s and designed tattoo concepts. 3er most defining physical <uality was an intricate tattoo
of wings that spread across her bac".
Jessica had a big heart# she was always there for me when ! needed to count on her. .he showed
me more unconditional and genuine care than anybody ! had ever "nown. Jessica .haw was a
game-changer. .he had a lot of life e,perience and she understood most of what her peers went
through. .he was always ready to give good and uplifting advice. .he pulled me out of depression
many times which was a tas" that most people couldn$t achieve.
Jessica was infuriated.
7!f you ever fuc"ing scare me li"e that again# !$m going to fuc"ing "ill you48
7!$m so sorry. !$m barely holding onto my sanity.8
Jessica and ! hadn$t tal"ed since the ordeal with Jill. ! hadn$t really seen any of my friends since !
became an enigma. Jessica spent the entire day at my house letting me pour my feelings out#
supporting me# and ma"ing sure ! wouldn$t do anything to harm myself.
7hat a nightmare# this is fuc"ing stupid4 9ou and Jill were so great together. ! thought if anyone
had it together# it was you two. And if you bro"e up# you$d both be mature about it. This is the worst
brea"-up !$ve seen ever4 hat concerns me the most is why you$re getting your firearm permit08
! ignored her <uestion and continued on the topic that mattered. 7! %ust can$t believe she threw
everything we had away and is trying to destroy my life. .he$s not the same person# the Jill ! "new
is dead. !t$s sic"ening because ! still love and care about her.8
7ell# you weren$t meant to be together. ! don$t thin" you should hold it against her if she doesn$t
want to be with you. The way she went about it was totally wrong. ! "now you don$t want to hear it#
but you need to put her behind you. ! hate seeing you li"e this.8
7Moving on with my life would be a lu,ury at the very least# but she "eeps suc"ing me bac" in
with all this legal bullshit48
7hat$s that08 Jessica as"ed# pointing to a small pile of anti-depressant prescriptions.
7! was given a bunch of prescriptions for anti-depressants but ! refuse to ta"e them. ! probably
should be though...8
7/on$t. .mo"e pot instead if you have to. ! was on anti-depressants when ! was a teenager. hat
do you thin" helps more0 A medical coc"tail of cele,a# tra+odone# lara+apam and whatever else plus
side effects# or a good old %oint08
7Mari%uana never sat well with me.8
! got up and poured myself a glass of whis"ey.
Jessica loo"ed at me with concerned eyes. 7Jordan# stop. !t$s not what happens to you that ma"es
you who you are# it$s how you deal with it.8
73alf of me wants to die# the other half wants to live. ! honestly don$t "now which side is going
to win. ! have so many pain "illers# it would be enough. !$m sic" of feeling this way. (othing seems
to help and ! %ust want to stop suffocating in my own sorrow.8
7!f you die# who the hell am ! suppose to tal" to0 9ou understand things that most people don$t.
9ou might not "now it# but ! need you. /on$t leave me.8
79ou$re not %ust saying that to tal" me out of it0 ! don$t understand what you see in me. 9eah#
maybe ! had something special about me# but it$s gone now. ! %ust don$t have the will to do anything
anymore. Maybe !$m not the person you thought ! was. !$m wea"er than you thin".8
7(o# you$re stronger than you thin". 9ou %ust need to loo" at yourself the way ! do. 9ou barely
put a dent in your twenties and you$ve already done so many ama+ing things in your life. !f you can
do the things you$ve done in such a short time# thin" of what you$ll achieve in the years to come.
And you$re going to give that up over a stupid girl08
7! don$t even "now if it$s about Jill anymore. .he triggered me into this hole# and once you$ve
been in it long enough# you tend to crouch down and call it home. My best days are behind me.8
7That$s not true. !f you can push through it# ! promise it will all be worth it. .pend the summer
with me and ! will show you. ! will show you what life is really about.8
7hat e,actly can you show me08
7Guess you have to wait and see. 'oo"# !$ve tried to "ill myself at least five times. ! was in the
psych ward twice and ! have scars all over my arms and legs from cutting when ! was a teenager. !
"now. ! understand. ! "now what it$s li"e to want to die# when you feel worthless and their$s no
point. 2ut loo" at me now. !t$s worth it. 7
7Alright. !$ll do it. ! hope you can show me something that changes this. ! can$t accept this life
anymore and ! need drastic changes.
71romise me.8
7! don$t "now if ! can promise# but !$ll do my best.8
7.tart by pouring that glass in the sin".8
! was already having trouble doing that. 2ut after a moment# ! did. Then Jessica made me pour
the rest of bottle down the drain before tal"ing me into handing over all my pain "illers.
Maybe ! could do this# ! thought# maybe this girl is going to save my life.
###
e arranged a meet up the following day and planned a recreational outing at est Edmonton
Mall.
e hit the arcade first. ! slipped a ten dollar bill into the to"en dispenser. e played air hoc"ey
first and it was intense# we continued to volley the puc" bac" and forth scoring on eachother. As !
too" the lead# Jessica became very competitive. e argued who was going to win and ! got too
coc"y believing that it would be me. .he smac"ed the puc" right into my poc"et and shot her arms
up in victory.
e went into a booth and played a game that consisted of +ombie pirates boarding a ship and
throwing Molotov coc"tails at the screen. !t was <uite humouring when ! turned to loo" at Jessica
because she was cowering# <uivering her lips# and leaning away from the screen. .he was stoned
and the pirates were reasonably scary-loo"ing when they were lunging toward us.
Afterword# Jessica as"ed which game we should play ne,t. ! %o"ed about seeing Jessica groove
to /ance /ance 5evolution. The ne,t thing ! "new# she was pulling me onto the platform and
pic"ing a song. .he "ic"ed my ass& ! didn$t have her coordination. e set the second song to the
hard difficulty and it was a mess. ! was luc"y if ! hit twenty steps out of the hundreds that flew onto
the screen.
Jessica started playing this game where she inserted a coin and tried to roll it into a small hole.
.he hit a %ac"pot and won several hundred tic"ets that we used to buy a pair of penguins.
! proudly wal"ed out of the arcade holding a penguin in each hand.
After the arcade# ! pic"ed up on a strange# but defining and li"eable habit of Jessica$s. hen
conversation drew to a silence# she would recite e,act conversations that we had earlier G her verbal
memory was unparallelled.
;Jessica# when we were in the car at J:>> p.m# what were we tal"ing about0;
Jessica started reciting the e,act conversation we had at J:>> p.m. My %aw dropped.
;! remember everything# Jordan# everything4;
;hat about when you$re into,icated0;
;/oesn$t phase me. ! remember everything.;
;! love that# but it scares me at the same time4;
;hy$s that0;
;2ecause every stupid thing ! do is probably going to get recorded in your mind forever4;
;9eah# probably#; she chuc"led.
e ended up at the amusement par" within the mall and Jessica# being high# had her focus all
over the place. !t wasn$t a big deal until a mentally impaired teenager crouched in front of Jessica.
Jessica fro+e dead in her trac"s staring at the male as he crawled up to her on all fours li"e
.piderman and then ran off behind her.
! laughed %ust imagining what was going through her head.
;/id ! %ust see that08
;.ee what0;
;/on$t play with me4; she laughed# ;! "now that %ust happened.;
;hat did you see0; ! as"ed# pretending to be perple,ed and then finally admitted that it was
real.
e entered the dollar store and she convinced me to buy a colouring boo" with her so we could
color them and compare our boo"s after. Then we went to 3MB and bought .cooby /oo movies.
(othing was too silly for Jessica# and ! loved that about her.
&yself ' Jessica Sha%
henever we made eye contact# ! had to force myself to stop ga+ing. 3er eyes were so "ind#
glossy# and captivating that it was easy to get lost in them.
! "new what ! wanted and it was right before my eyes. .he was everything ! ever wanted in a girl
and more.
2ut ! couldn$t have her and ! had too much respect for her to even try. !t was the ring on her
finger# she was engaged to another and she was someone that deserved people that left her life
better than when they entered it.
! thought about "issing her throughout the day but <uic"ly buried that idea because the outcome
was unpredictable. .he was far too valuable of a friend and ! wasn$t willing to gamble such a
friendship on something as petty as a "iss.
! "new what ! ultimately wanted in a woman afterward. ! had wondered what the perfect girl for
me would be li"e# and ! now had something to compare her to.
###
! couldn$t do it. My addiction was calling me. ! drove to the nearest li<uor store and bought a
bottle of whis"ey# too" it home# and got drun".
Jessica came to see me again in the evening# she was so upset to see me drin"ing again. And then
she saw the paperwor" for my firearm permit because ! was stupid enough to leave it laying out in
the open. !t didn$t ta"e her long to figure out what it was really for.
7! wanna smac" you upside the head4 9ou need to reali+e that "illing yourself isn$t going to solve
a thing. 9ou "now what it does to me0 *ighting for my friends life0 (ot having any idea if !-ll ever
tal" to him again and !$m totally fuc"ing helpless to stop it. ! wish you could be happy# ! want to see
you succeed because you have so much to offer and you %ust want to throw it away4 9ou$re not
Jordan Gardiner right now# and !$m trying to get him bac". !$m trying# but !$m failing.8
My eyes watered over and ! felt li"e completely brea"ing down. ! was too stupid to see how
much she really cared about me# and ! was throwing her effort on the ground and mercilessly
stomping on it.
! placed my hand on the side of Jessica$s face. 7Jessica# you$re doing more than you reali+e. 9ou
inspire me and ! loo" up to you. hen ! tal" to you# it puts me at so much ease. There$s something
so fascinating and desirable about your personality. !$m %ust so lost. ! don$t "now who ! was before
all this and ! don$t "now if he$s ever coming bac". ! feel dead# and empty# and hollow. My life has
no substance to it anymore. This isn$t a life worth living. 2ut for you# only for you# !$m going to
try.8
7! was empty and numb. ! wanted to die#; Jessica began in a heartbro"en voice#; ! had to rebuild
myself from a shell of nothing. !t ta"es time but it$s worth it. !$m living proof of that. ! was different
before too. ! never got the old me bac". ! was happier before but !-m still o"ay with who ! am now.
9ou may never get the old you bac"# but you$re still worth %ust as much.8
7! really want to say something to you# but don$t "now if ! should.8
7hy shouldn$t you08
7!$m becoming immensely attracted to you. !t$s not %ust your adorable loo"s but your outstanding
personality. ! wish ! had you. ! "now you$d be the perfect girl for me and we could build each other
up so high. There is this ama+ing energy that you radiate& it$s into,icating.8
79ou "now# some people in this world may seem li"e one of a "ind# but there really are a lot of
people ali"e. !$m confident you$ll push through and find the perfect girl for you.8
! smiled because ! "new Jessica wouldn$t act on what ! said# even if she did have feelings. .he
couldn$t be phased by anything. .he carefully placed her loyalties# she carefully chose her friends#
and she wouldn$t let anything come between her and her choices. ! was proud of her.
Jessica was a blessing. .he was the only thing "eeping me grounded and ! was more than luc"y
to have her as a friend.
7! really# really want to read your boo".8
7Are you sure you want to open my 1andora$s 2o,08 ! laughed.
79es. ! want a copy# signed48
7! can do that.8
71romise08
7)h# ! see what you did there. .nea"y. Alright# then you have to totally ignore that rough draft
that may or may not be in your inbo,. ! want you to wait until the final product if !$m stic"ing
around to finish it.8
7That$s li"e saying to a five-year-old# $9ou see that great# big# shiny# red button0 /o ()T push it.$
2ut ! wanna push the button48
.o Jessica .haw prevented me from drin"ing# popping pills# and she had me writing again.
Chapter 3
Amerian Audaity
After two months of depression and self-medicating# ! started to find fragments of my self worth#
confidence# and desire to succeed again. ! thought in time# ! could become than"ful for losing Jill
and convince myself it was a blessing in disguise. ! had energy# time# and willpower that wasn$t
there before because ! had been pouring it all into Jill.
)pportunities rose# doors opened# and e,periences happened that ! never thought were possible. !
settled into a standard life with Jill# but now ! had the freedom to pursue my dreams in acting# and
finish my boo".
!t$s when you lose everything that you reali+e life is beautiful.
! still felt the tremendous loss and heartbrea" of Jill# but ! moved forward because that was the
only thing ! could do.
Even though it seemed li"e ! had rebuilt myself from the ground up# ! was never the same. After
Jill# ! let go of my morals and values because ! saw them as obsolete attributes& ! viewed them as
wea"ness. ! wanted to ma"e sure Jill never happened to me again. ! became incredibly coc"y and
over-confident to the point of arrogance# it was a mas" to hide my inner emotions from myself. !
blindly built a wall inside my head loc"ing away my agony and pain so that not ! and nor anyone
else could see it.
hen ! was finally ready to get bac" into the world# my social life boomed out of control.
Although# ! tried to get bac" into my old pic"-up routines and techni<ues# ! had been out of the
dating game for so long that ! didn$t even "now if ! remembered how to flirt properly.
PPP
! had to hand it to Jessica# she really was ma"ing a change to my disposition toward life.
e pulled up to the Inited .tates border in Jessica$s car. ! reluctantly presented my passport
wondering what would happen with a record of arrest and a pending trial.
The border guard waved us through& ! was in the Inited .tates of America. !t felt ama+ing
"nowing that ! had a freedom ! thought ! might not have.
e traveled through the state of Montana# and made our way into :oeur d$Alene# !daho#
chec"ing into a hotel.
:oeur d$Alene is a small town by American standards# but by no means a small town by my
:anadian standards. e bought a pac"age deal: stay one wee"end and earn two free tic"ets to
.ilverwood# an amusement par".. They were transforming the theme par" into a massive creepy
carnival for a special event.
The evening after chec"ing in# Jessica and ! departed to the theme par".
:olored lights flashed from rollercoasters and falling elevators of doom. The buildings were
showered with cob web and creepy s"ulls with blood flushing from their eye-soc"ets. *og machines
covered the area in an ominous and insidious atmosphere.
!t was difficult to find par"ing as masses of families and drun"# rowdy teenagers occupied the
stalls before flooding toward the main gates.
al"ing into the land of the dead# actors with the most disfigured faces and horrific costumes ran
around chasing and screaming at guests.
!$d gone through about three different haunted houses with Jessica& she was holding onto me
tightly as creatures of the night instilled fear into her. ! admittedly got scared at the end of one
haunted house when a si, foot# pig-faced man came running for us with a loud chainsaw prop.
e ended up by the large wooden roller coasters& which were derailed and placed bac"ward. A
reversed roller-coaster seemed %ust li"e the thrill ! craved. Jessica had no interest in stepping foot
onto the attraction. .he was feeling fatigued after driving all day.
Jessica suggested that we split up because she wanted to chec" out some of the gift shops and we
could re-meet. ! agreed that it was a sound plan and %oined the line-up to the coaster.
There was a nice# toasty# heated lamp by the line up& ! stood by it for a few minutes because it
was unusually chilly that night. ! started to thin" the line up was too long and nearly e%ected until a
group of girls ran in front of the heated lamp# bloc"ing my warmth.
;e$re sorry if we$re ta"ing your heat#; a brunette smiled.
;e$re not sorry4 e$re really :)'/4; her blonde friend e,claimed.
! started chatting them up# as"ing why they weren$t with their boyfriends. 'o and behold# they
were single. ! was ta"en abac"# because they seemed too pretty to be single# and almost every
attractive girl !$d seen that night was accompanied by family or a guy.
79ou$re pretty cute#8 the blonde informed me in mid-conversation.
Goddamn# ! loved American girls. They$re always so upfront.
7Than" you& so are you#8 ! remar"ed. 7/o you girls want to sit with me on the roller-coaster08
7Actually# we %ust came over to get warm. e were going to go into the bush and drin" this#8 the
blonde told me as she revealed a mic"ey or rum inside her purse. 7/o you want to come08
7Absolutely# but first !$d li"e to "now your names.8
7!$m Ale,a#8 the blonde informed me# 7and this is .ummer.8
e found a secluded area behind a wall of trees. Ale,a pulled a mic"ey of rum out of her
handbag and we started to drin"# which was a bad idea because once ! started# ! didn$t "now how to
stop.
! as"ed them if they wanted to go into some of the haunted houses with me& hinting that they
could hold onto me while ! protect them. e collected a pair of blue and red# framed glasses before
wal"ing inside a =/ fun-house. ! endured the long corridors and creepy actors& it was <uite
disorientating with slight into,ication creeping up# and three-dimensional images popping off every
surface.
As ! entered another corridor with the girls# a hot# blonde girl in a clown costume opened a trap
door# whipping her arm out at me with a metal-li"e drill prop in her hand. ! was smac"ed in the face
so hard that ! lost my vision for a moment. ;*I:6#; ! shouted in pain as blood started dribbling
from my nose. ! turned to loo" at what hit me# and there she was loo"ing afraid. !t was obvious she
made a mista"e by shoving her drill prop into my face# connecting with my nose and giving me the
most avid nose bleed of my life. 'oo"ing into her deep# dar" eyes# ! "new how scared she felt for
hitting a guest. ! let it go and stumbled out of the fun-house with a bloody face.
! was impressed that a blonde# American girl could subdue me# even if it was with a deadly drill
prop. ! found it amusing that ! had a new story to tell: The American :lown Girl That Made Me
2leed.
! got bac" onto the paved wal"way and a group of teenagers stopped to as" me for directions. !t
seemed ! loo"ed li"e an actor with all the blood on my face. Ale,a# luc"ily had nap"ins in her bag
and helped me get cleaned up.
! chec"ed my phone and Jessica had sent me several te,t messages wondering where the hell !
was.
79ou have to meet my friend# Jessica48 ! told the girls.
! met with Jessica. 3er face flooded with concern after seeing the visual evidence of trauma to
my face. As ! started to e,plain# she smelt the alcohol on my breath. .he loo"ed at me with so much
disappointment before sha"ing her head.
7!$m trying so hard# and you really don$t even care# do you08
79ou don$t understand...8 ! slurred slightly.
7! see it didn$t ta"e you long to find some girls and forget all about me. ! hope you have enough
money for a ta,i#8 Jessica said in disgust as she turned around and left me standing there.8
79ou$re friend is "ind of a bitch#8 .ummer said to me.
7.he$s not# ! %ust "eep disappointing her.8
7!t$s o"ay# you can hang out with us for the rest of the night#8 Ale,a offered# 7we$re going to a
party.8
! too" the girls up on there offer. e stopped at a li<uor store and ! purchased my beloved
whis"ey and offered the girls whatever they wanted& it was the least ! could do.
.ummer was driving and she li"ed to speed. !t was <uite a rush when she was gunning down an
isolated highway at one-hundred-fifty "ilometres per hour while ! was hanging out of the moon-
roof with a beer in my hand.
! shouted at the s"y without a care in the world before duc"ing bac" into the car.
7)h my god# you$re so awesome. here are you from# Jordan08 Ale,a as"ed.
7:anada48
73AT0 E 1!:6E/ I1 A *I:6!(G :A(A/!A(08 .ummer burst out hysterically. 72ut
you don$t have an accent or anything.8
7!nteresting# the Americans ! met in :ancun couldn$t pic" up on my accent either.8
79ou$re lying4 9ou are so American.8
79ou got me# !$m .outh $Murican# yeehaw48
;e do not sound that li"e that4; Ale,a snapped.
;'et$s hear you do a :anadian impression#; ! countered.
Ale,a loo"ed at me with serious eyes and let out a strong# ;E34;
7! thought :anadians were suppose to be conservative#8 .ummer stated.
7(ot me.8
7!$m still not buying that you$re :anadian.8
73ave a loo" at my passport#8 ! said# handing it to Ale,a.
79eah# he$s :anadian#8 Ale,a said to .ummer.
.ummer slowed the car down and pulled onto an acreage filled with vehicles. An immense white
house sat at one end of the field# where drun"# young adults occupied the porch shouting profanities
at nothing in particular. A large congestion occupied the center of the field and a few shirtless men
in %eans were discharging their firearms into empty beer cans.
.ummer and Ale,a convened with the group in the field and introduced me to a man named
5ic"& he was the host of the party. .ummer made some "ind of hand gesture toward 5ic" before he
invited us to follow him inside. 3e led us into empty room and shut the door behind us.
5ic" reached into his poc"et and pulled out a small bag of cocaine. 3e spread out four lines
across a dresser top and rolled up a twenty dollar bill. 3e snorted a line and then handed the bill to
.ummer# which proceeded to Ale,a# and then me.
! started at it for a moment# wondering if that was a line ! was willing to cross. ! didn$t give a
fuc". ! grabbed the bill and snorted the line.
7!$ve never done that before#8 ! stated.
79ou$re in for a treat man. En%oy this night#8 5ic" told me.
7Awe# ! hope you don$t feel pressured#8 Ale,a said to me.
73e$s not even from our country& he$s :anadian#8 .ummer e,plained to 5ic".
7:anadian huh0 9ou ever fire a gun before08
7(ot yet.8
7)h man# !$m going to give you another novelty e,perience48
5ic" bec"oned me and the girls to follow him outside. 3e loaded a handgun and held it out to
me.
7To ta"e the safety off...8
7! "now how use this#8 ! interrupted as ! clic"ed the safety off and coc"ed the gun.
! discharged the weapon into the pyramid of beer cans sitting on a fence. The first round missed#
the second pierced through the top can# and the four final rounds flew into the supporting cans.
7! am going to ma"e a "iller out of this guy48 5ic" shouted as he tossed me a cold beer from his
cooler on the porch.
After several minutes# the drug ! had snorted seemed to have counteracted the effects of
into,ication. ! wal"ed up to .ummer and Ale,a feeling li"e a "ing. ;! don$t "now what$s come over
me# but /AM( ! *EE' AE.)ME4;
Ale,a grabbed the collar of my shirt and pulled me in for a pec". .he pressed her head to mine
ma"ing an erotic sound. ;9ou$re mine tonight# %ust so you "now#; she said with vigor.
! wal"ed out into the field feeling fuc"ing awesome. ! coc"ed the gun again and raised it into the
air. ! discharged every round into the s"y cheering as loudly as ! could. 5ic" brought out a shotgun#
and another clip for my handgun. Ale,a and .ummer %oined us with handguns of their own.
5ic" gestured us to sit down in the tall grass as he spread out more lines of cocaine over the base
of the shotgun. e snorted more lines# unanimously raised our guns to the stars# and discharged
everything into the s"y.
! flopped bac"ward into the grass absorbing the moment. ! never wanted it to end. 2ut inevitably#
the drug had started to wear off. And then the real world became apparent again as Ale,a started to
get upset over some te,t messages she was receiving. .he showed .ummer and they were
discussing something in low monotones.
7hat$s going on08 ! as"ed# showing genuine concern for Ale,a. 5ic"$s ears per"ed up and he
began listening in.
7.ome guy is harassing Ale,a#8 .ummer e,plained# 7telling everyone she has diseases and shit
because she wouldn$t fuc" him.8
7)h my god#8 Ale,a started# 7he %ust sent me another te,t message and actually e,pects me to
come see him tonight.8
;! thin" Ale,a should go see him#; ! said with a coc"y edge li"e ! "new something everyone else
didn$t.
;hy the fuc"...; 5ic" started.
;3e$ll be e,pecting her and only her. Thin" of how surprised he$ll be when we show up behind
Ale,a and group of guys itching for a fight08
7*or a :anadian# you$re really growing on me#8 5ic" said# placing his hand on my shoulder# 7!$ll
call in my cavalry.8 3e went inside his house calling a half do+en of his loyal friends to arms.
;e$re all set4; he e,claimed# clapping his hands together.
;:an we actually gang beat him0; 5ic" as"ed.
;(o4; Ale,a whined.
;)f course not# we$re %ust going to send him a very clear message and ma"e him piss his pants a
little#8 ! laughed.
;e$ll see what happens# ! guess#; 5ic" replied as he %umped into a truc" with his band of
friends.
! got into the car with .ummer and Ale,a.
;3enry is at wor" and he has a fifteen minute brea" soon. 3e$s still hitting on me#; Ale,a scoffed.
.ummer was having a blast trying to "eep up with 5ic"$s truc". .he was driving the car li"e it
was a bullet-proof *errari. e arrived in :oeur d$Alene once more and peeled into a hotel par"ing
lot.
e left the vehicles and swarmed toward the side of the building where 3enry was sitting down
puffing on a cigarette. 3enry let out a nervous 73ey#8 as we formed a semi-circle around him.
;'et$s go for a chat# bud#; ! said to him as ! bec"oned him to follow me around the corner of the
hotel. ! didn$t "now what ! was doing. Ale,a wanted a word with him# 5ic" wanted to gang beat
him# and ! was ta"ing him around the corner for a private chat. ! thin" some part of me that still had
a soul wanted to save his ass.
;hat$s going on0; he as"ed# confused.
;All those guys around the corner# they$re really itching for a fight and Ale,a isn$t happy with
some of the things you$ve been saying about her.;
;! was...; he interrupted.
;! don$t care what the story is# ! don$t "now all the details# but the bottom line is that you will
cease contact with her. 9ou seem li"e a level headed guy so trust me when ! say it$s in your best
interest. (ow all those guys want to %ump you when we come bac" around the corner& !$m going to
try and tal" them down for you. .o no bullshit# got it0;
3e nodded. ! too" the smo"e out of his mouth and wal"ed away as ! finished it off.
3enry didn$t come bac" around the corner and went bac" inside the hotel from another entrance.
;hat happened0; 5ic" as"ed.
;3e got the message. ! doubt he$ll bother Ale,a again.8
! loo"ed over 5ic"$s shoulder and spotted Ale,a sitting on the hood of the car& evaluating her
attractiveness. ! was decently into,icated and was feeling more coc"y than ! ever had.
! wal"ed up to her and started tal"ing about a magic tric" ! wanted to show her.
;)"ay# close your eyes#; ! said to her.
;! don$t want to#; she whined.
;Alright# ! can$t do this#; ! said and started to wal" away from her.
;ait#; she shouted# ;o"ay# !$m doing it.; .he closed her eyes waiting for the so-called magic
tric".
! leaned in and planted a big "iss on her mouth.
;)h my god4; she yelled and ran towards .ummer. ;.ummer# 3E 6!..E/ ME4;
;Jordan# bad4; .ummer scolded.
! felt so proud of myself.
The rest of the night turned into speeding around the town with pellet and paintball guns#
shooting up vehicles# houses# and random bystanders on the sidewal"s. e were animals# screaming
wild shit out of our cars. e "new no limits.
The thing about getting a piece of myself bac"# was that when ! saw the first sign of confidence#
! latched onto it# giving myself to it fully. After e"ing out my days inside of my hole# my confidence
was tainted# poisoned# corrupt& it was transformed into pure coc"iness and ill-tempered arrogance.
Chapter 4
The Goat %n The 'oods
7!$m concerned about you. ! didn$t thin" things would be li"e this. !$m starting to wonder if you$re
beyond helping.8
7Jessica# !$m sorry. ! "now ! shouldn$t have dran"# but it was socially. !$m not downing bottles by
myself and popping do+ens of pills. ! thin" !$m starting to get a hold of myself. ! can control
myself.8
7hat did you do with those girls last night0 9ou didn$t get in until five in the morning.8
7Ale,a and .ummer %ust hung out& they showed me some cool areas.8
7That$s awfully vague.8
! couldn$t tell Jessica what happened last night. ! felt li"e she was started to get sic" of my shit
and ! "new she was still mad at me.
7.ince when did you get it in your head that ! started owing you e,planations and needing your
approval to ma"e my own decisions li"e an adult08
Jessica gave me a distasteful loo" and wal"ed out of the room. ! "new ! had a tell when ! was
lying& a guilty loo" in my eyes gave it away and it generally too" the most precise concentration to
hide it.
An hour passed and ! decided to loo" for Jessica. 3er car was still at the hotel so she wasn$t far. !
had found her in a par" across the street& she was laying down in the grass listening to music on her
phone.
7!$m sorry.8
7!$ve "nown you long enough to "now when you$re lying# when you$re happy# when you$re sad.
9ou$re trying to convince me that you doing better# but who are you really trying to fool0 9ou$re
running away from this# hiding from your problems by going out and drowning your miseries with
whatever is in front you. This isn$t something that be fi,ed from the outside# ! hope you "now that.8
Jessica and ! went shopping. ! bought a new wardrobe and a four-hundred-dollar# (ew 9or"-style
coat.
!n between stores# ! noticed a suspicious character hanging out in an alley. 3e dumped a bag in a
garbage bin& it loo"ed way too weird so after he left# Jessica and ! investigated. e found the bag
and inside were five "ittens. !t was horrible that someone %ust threw those adorable babies in the
garbage and left them to die. 2eing "ittens# they would not have been able to lift the large metal lid#
or would$ve been crushed inside a waste management truc". Jessica and ! located the nearest animal
shelter and saved those five innocent lives.
.aving those "ittens with Jessica seemed to have alleviated the tension between her and !.
!n evening we headed bac" toward the hotel. Jessica stopped before an isolated intersection when
the G1.$s voice directed her to turn right. ! frantically observed our surrounding.
7Ih Jessica# ! thin" you$re driving the wrong way.8
7!t$s o"ay# the G1. wouldn$t lie.8
2ut the G1. did lie# and at the the intersection before us# the lights turned green and several
do+en vehicles started accelerating toward us. *uc"ing oncoming traffic4
73)'9 *I:648 Jessica screamed. .he flipped the car into reverse and started gunning it bac"
the way we came. .he panic"ed and tossed the steering wheel ad%acent too early# popping the rear
wheels of the car onto the sidewal". .he pressed on the gas again# straightened the car# and started
driving normally down the one-way street li"e nobody saw anything.
;9ou$re a fuc"ing lunatic4;
;The G1. is a lunatic4 !t told me to turn left.;
;2ut a normal person would chec" if going down a one-way street was really the right way#
instead of blindly listening to the evil G1..;
;! figured it out4;
;9eah# after we had oncoming traffic flying toward us.;
;e$re o"ay#8 she said# ta"ing a deep breath# 7whew.8
! was genuinely scared for my life# but ! shouted out of the window at the top of my lungs# to
unleash some of that e,citement and adrenaline.
! pulled my head bac" into the car and turned to Jessica# ;Those Americans probably saw your
license plate and are thin"ing# $*uc"ing :anadians4$8
###
Ale,a te,ted me that evening as"ing what ! was doing. .he wanted me to hang out with her and
.ummer again. ! agreed and the girls pic"ed me up.
hen the girls showed up at the hotel par"ing lot# they were drun" and hysterical.
7Jordan# are you sober0 :an you drive0 Me and .ummer are so wasted# we almost crashed on the
way here li"e three times48
7! don$t "now what the rules are on driving American vehicles with a :anadian license# but ! can
drive.8
.ummer tossed me the "eys and began telling me directions.
;.o what are we doing0; ! as"ed as we got into the car.
;e$re meeting up with 5ic"# he says we$re ta"ing part in a yearly tradition#; .ummer replied.
7.ounds interesting.8
.ummer opened a bottle of alcohol and passed it to me. ! was foolish and detached enough to
ta"e it without weighing the conse<uences. ! "new what could happen if ! was caught getting so out
of control in a country that was not my own.
5ic" was in the par"ing lot of a diner before he recogni+ed that we were there and pulled out to
lead the way. .ummer informed me earlier that we were stopping at her friends house to play po"er
before the tradition started.
! had some difficulty "eeping up with 5ic"# he was driving his truc" li"e it was a bullet-proof
*errari.
;)h# so that$s how he wants to play4; ! said to .ummer as ! descended my foot upon the gas.
.ummer giggled as she was frantically te,ting someone. 3er phone dinged with a te,t message
and she put it up to my face. !t was a message from Ale,a telling .ummer that she wanted to get me
at her place at the end of the night. Inderneath ! caught an outgoing message telling Ale,a to forget
about Taylor.
;)h my god#8 Ale,a scoffed# 7did you seriously %ust show him08
.ummer let out a sinister laugh.
! loo"ed into the rear view mirror& Ale,a was blushing. ! continued driving while smir"ing to
myself. ! "new it was on and Ale,a "new ! "new.
;)"ay# this is not cool# you have to say something4; Ale,a demanded.
;ho$s Taylor0; ! laughed.
;E,-boyfriend. e actually "ind of have a thing going on right now.;
! "new she added that last part in attempt to bring out %ealousy.
;)h# my condolences.;
Ale,a$s mouth dropped open. ;9ou$re ruthless4; she stammered.
;!$m actually a pretty nice guy# you %ust haven$t seen me sober yet.;
;! thought you said you were sober when we got you4;
;!$m "idding4;
;! hope to god you are4 Even .ummer$s driving scares the shit out of me.;
;9ou can trust my driving.;
;3ow do ! "now that0;
;! have a good trac" record. !$ve only had one fatal accident that nearly too" my life.;
;3a...ha.;
! flipped through my phone# brought up the pictures of my decimated Matri, from countless
years ago and handed them to her. .he got nervous and as"ed me to slow the car down. ! obliged
and assured her that ! wasn$t drun". ! told her the story of how the accident happened and purposely
left out the ending of the e,perience. ! told Ale,a that if she wanted to "now the rest of the story# !$d
only tell her about it on our second date. .he was already eager to ma"e plans for the following
morning& ! had her hoo"ed.
! saw 5ic"$s bra"e light come on and he pulled into a trailer par" at the edge of town.
5ic" waved me over to meet his friend# (ic"& he seemed e,plicitly friendly. (ic" was
accompanied by a girl named .amantha. After some unintended eavesdropping# ! learned that
.amantha and (ic" had only met each other that day.
.o they$re not dating# ! thought with devious plot on my mind.
.amantha was attractive and ! ac<uainted myself with her by running some lines from The
Game. ;! need a female opinion on something# !f a girl is dating a guy and she goes out to the bar
with her friends# gets drun"# and ma"es out with other guys for fun# that$s cheating right0;
;9eah# !$ve heard this before. And then you as" if it$s still cheating if she ma"es out with a girl
instead# which yes# it is. !$ve read that boo".;
;.hit#; ! laughed# ;that boo" is getting way too popular.;
.amantha smiled and wal"ed away. ! had never been called on running material before. ! was
baffled.
e stuc" around at (ic"$s trailer for an hour drin"ing# chatting# and playing po"er before we
prepared to head out. Everyone had done a line of co"e but ! decided ! was going to opt out of the
practice that time& the last thing ! needed was another addiction.
The tradition was to ta"e place at a high school a few miles down the road but we were going to
ta"e the bac" roads since we were all drun". The bac" roads consisted of dirt that traveled a
winding ravine.
Every year# 5ic" and a group of friends climbed and scaled his high school rooftops. They would
drin" and play football up there. Apparently the rooftops were one hell of a climb and the rooftops
were an ultimate par"our course.
Ale,a and ! returned to the car but .ummer e,plained that she was going to go with 5ic" and
meet us there. (ic" wanted to lay in the trun" on a dare that 5ic" gave him and go hard through the
ravine.
;Go ahead#; ! told him and popped the trun" open. ! was going to ma"e his descent into the
ravine a living hell.
! gunned it down the dirt road# spitting pebbles and roc"s all over the place. ! slammed on the
bra"es multiple times and swerved around the curves. ! could hear (ic" banging in the truc". ;!
changed my mind4 1lease slow down. ! don$t want to die4; he shouted.
Ale,a had found the bottle that .ummer left behind and started ta"ing shots. .he was really
drun" and she reached her hand over my leg and began rubbing my crotch. ! leaned my head bac".
;)h fuc"#; ! said aloud. ! hadn$t had se, for countless months since Jill# it wasn$t very hard to turn
me on. ;9ou$re so bad#; ! told Ale,a.
.he giggled. ;:an you sleep at my house at the end of night0; she said in the cutest voice ! ever
heard# ;!$ll do anything.;
;Anything0;
;Anything4; she assured.
! was sold. ! confidently ripped down the rest of the dirt road as Ale,a undid my belt and ran her
hand down my shorts. ! made it onto the highway# found the school and pulled into the school
par"ing lot. 5ic" pulled in beside me and Ale,a <uic"ly did my belt bac" up. ! "ind of wanted to
say fuc" the rest of the night and go straight to her place.
! popped the trun" and let (ic" out# he seemed alright# a little di++y# but alright. hen we got out
of the car# Ale,a started stumbling toward the tree line that led deep into the forest. ! didn$t thin"
much of it but .ummer urged me to go after her.
;*uc"# not this shit again. ! didn$t thin" she dran" that much#; .ummer scoffed.
;.he was drin"ing vod"a in the car all the way down. hat$s going on0;
;hen she gets more drun" than she can handle she always runs off and if we don$t stop her or
follow her# good luc" finding her afterward.;
;)h great#; ! replied as ! ran after her.
Ale,a was stubborn and there was no way to reason with her. .he "ept insisting that she was fine
and that she %ust wanted to go for a run. .he "ept falling down and scrapping up her legs and "nees
and ! was sure she was going to hurt herself so ! restrained her. ! was careful not to restrain her too
forcefully so she "ept slipping out of my grasp and running through the woods as fast as she could
leaving her shoes behind. ! chased after her and we were getting deeper and deeper into the woods
that ! started to worry if ! could even find my way bac". ! caught up to her and wrapped my arms
around her waist. .he spun around and smac"ed me in the face.
;*uc" off4 'et me go4; she screamed.
;*ine4 *uc" you then# you got no shoes# it$s cold# you$re wearing a dress# and you got no way
home after .ummer and ! leave. 9ou did this to yourself4; ! yelled after her as she disappeared into
the dar". ;! sure "now how to pic" them#; ! muttered to myself as ! started wal"ing bac" to the
school.
! wal"ed for a while and finally spotted the lights from the school illuminating through the tree
branches. .ummer was sitting in her car fuming.
;9ou o"ay0; ! as"ed as ! wal"ed up to her window.
;(o#; she yelled# ;she always fuc"ing does this. !t$s always when we$re out of town too so then if
! leave her behind# !$ll feel guilty. !$m so sic" of her bullshit4 9ou "now what# fuc" it. .he can stay
lost and wal" all the way bac" to town when she sobers up.;
! pleaded with .ummer not to go# ;:an you please help me find her and convince her to come
bac". !$m worried about her.; .ummer didn$t want anything to with Ale,a at the time. 6yle# 5ic"
and .amantha got out of the car to help me find her. ! was really than"ful for that. .ummer didn$t
want to stay in the car alone and now she couldn$t leave without the group# so she unwillingly came
to help.
The five of us wandered the woods for nearly an hour. /uring the search# .amantha and (ic"
were flirting with each other pretty hard# ! predicted that they would hoo" up at the end of the night.
e eventually found the shoreline of the nearby la"e. e couldn$t find Ale,a anywhere and that
worried me even further. e were about to turn around bac" into the woods but Ale, spotted
something. ;hat$s that over there08 he said# pointing. There was a tiny light off in the distance
beside the la"e small enough to be the flame of a lighter# and then it disappeared.
e ran over to where we saw the light and there Ale,a was# crying as she was inhaling her
cigarette. .ummer frea"ed out on Ale,a before ! as"ed her to ta"e it easy. ! sat down beside Ale,a
and put my arm around her bac". .he was free+ing.
;Are you o"ay0;
;(ope#; she sobbed.
;hat$s wrong0;
The only answer she would give us was .ummer# because she was mad at her. .he refused to
move because she was too upset.
! spo"e to .ummer a few meters away and as"ed if she could forgive Ale,a. .ummer was firm
with her anger. ;)r at least pretend to forgive her0; ! ad%usted.
;*ine# only if it gets me out of here faster#; she hissed into my ear.
.ummer threw on a fa"e voice and act that seemed to be effective on Ale,a. .he agreed to come
bac" to the school with us. The si, of us headed bac" threw the woods searching for the lights of
the school. e ended up finding an isolated pathway and followed it. e had no idea where it went
but we were eventually trudging through mud. !t was so dar" that we couldn$t see an area that was
flooded. Ale, was so drun" that he thought he merely pushing through a puddle but dropped into
water that was waist deep.
;hat the fuc"4 hat is this0; Ale, stammered. ! peered through trees and saw that we were
practically bac" at the edge of the la"e. The la"e had been way higher than normal that summer due
to severe rainfall in the past couple wee"s. Ale, climbed out of the water and we bac"trac"ed along
the pathway.
e ended up finding a random goat tied to a tree on the side of the pathway. e were all
hysterical# wondering if we were tripping out and suddenly fell into Alice !n onderland or if the
goat was actually there.
The goat seemed to have cheered everyone up. .ummer seemed to have actually forgiven Ale,a
and we were all having fun again. e continued along the pathway and it eventually led us bac" to
the school.
;hy didn$t we see the pathway before0; ! laughed.
;2ecause it was too dar" and we were too fuc"ed up to notice it#; (ic" concluded.
;!t$s only J:=? a.m# does anyone still want to climb the school0; (ic" as"ed in hopefulness.
;!$m down#; ! replied# ;but we need to drin" more. e$re all too sober for this shit.;
e went bac" to the car# we passed my vod"a and .ummer$s te<uila around. Ale,a wasn$t as
sober as she appeared because as she dran" more she began closing and reopening her eyes until she
laid down and passed out right in the middle of the par"ing lot.
7Ale,a$s out cold# she$s not going anywhere and ! can only ta"e care of her so much in one
night#8 ! rationali+ed to the group# 7'ets do this tradition.8
Ale, and .amantha were on the roof helping pull .ummer up. (ic" didn$t want to go up because
he was certain that he would brea" his nec". ! climbed up with ease# ! still had some of my athletic
ability from my youth. .amantha was sitting on the edge of the roof with the te<uila.
;3ey# you got that up4; ! e,claimed e,citedly. .he passed the bottle over to me and ! too" a
victory shot. ;Bictory shots everybody4; ! shouted. Everyone had one.
Then to everyone$s horror# Ale,a stumbled over beneath us and she wanted up. (o one could tell
her no# everyone decided against my better %udgement and helped her climb up. (ic" was beneath
her so he could catch her %ust in case. All three us leaned over the ledge to pull her up safely.
! wasn$t worried so much about getting her up as ! was getting her bac" down. Ale,a grabbed
onto my hand and her other hand was placed in Ale,$s. e heaved her up with all the strength we
had# her foot slipped and her chest slammed into the ledge. e continued pulling until she got she
got onto the roof.
Ale,a %ust noticed that she was covered in scrapes and bruises. .he showed me a large one on her
chest from slamming into the side of the school. ;6iss it better0; she as"ed me in her cutest voice.
Ale,a and ! went e,ploring over the large roof while everyone else sat at the edge of the rooftop
continuing to drin".
e all had another round of Bictory shots and ! really started to feel the li<our again.
e started to search for a way to get inside the school as we circled the premise and tried to
unloc" the gymnasium doors with (ic"$s !/ by slipping it between the doors and trying to nudge
the latch. e had no luc".
.ummer had the great idea of smashing the window of one of the doors at the front entrance
without telling anybody. .he reached through the bro"en window and opened the door from the
inside. (o alarms sounded# the coast was clear. .ummer and .amantha began running through the
hallways laughing# giggling and shouting. Then ! figure they tripped a sensor that was further into
the school# because alarms went ringing. e ran to our cars and peeled out of the par"ing lot.
e sped about half a "ilometre and discreetly par"ed in front of (ic"$s home. ! was too drun" to
continue driving so (ic" said it was o"ay to leave my car at his place until morning. (ic" than"ed
us for the really good time and called it a night.
! %umped into the bac" of .ummer$s car# sitting in between Ale,a and .amantha. )n the drive
bac" to :ouer d$Alene# Ale,a passed out cold again. 5ic" and .ummer$s eyes were focused on the
road and ! "ept glancing at .amantha. ! was feeling incredibly bold after a do+en shots of te<uila
and ! placed my hand on .amantha$s leg. .he loo"ed at me and smiled. ! too" that as an invitation to
"eep going so ! brought my hand closer to her crotch and started rubbing her through her %eans. .he
leaned in toward me and we started ma"ing out <uietly. ! pulled away every few seconds to chec" if
5ic" and .ummer were still oblivious# they were. ! put my hand underneath .amantha$s shirt while
"issing her and started rubbing her right breast and then proceeded to slid my hand underneath her
%eans# her thong# and fingered her. .he stopped "issing me and leaned bac"# biting her lip trying not
to moan. 2efore ! "new it# we were in :ouer d$Alene and .ummer pulled into .amantha$s driveway.
;3ere you go#; .ummer said to .amantha and loo"ed bac" after ! already withdrew myself.
.amantha opened the car door# smac"ed me in the arm and pointed at Ale,a# who was still out cold.
! smiled at her# and then she smiled bac". ! couldn$t wipe the smir" off my face if my life
depended on it. ! decided that ! should apply bold to my attributes more often. *ortune favors the
bold as they say.
As .ummer pulled up to Ale,a$s house# she wo"e up. Ale,a as"ed me help her inside and that she
wanted me to stay with her. ! than"ed .ummer for the ride and told her !$d call her after wa"ing up.
Ale,a stumbled out of the car and ! unloc"ed the front door for her after she gave me her "eys. !
turned on the lights and Ale,a sat down on the couch# observing her "nee that appeared to have
been scrapped up the worst. .he told me to go to the medicine cabinet in her bathroom. ! brought
out some band aids for her. ! "neeled down in front of Ale,a and put her leg in my lap while trying
to open the band aid. ! was too drun" and couldn$t get them out of their wrapper. Ale,a offered to do
it and she got them open no problem. ! placed two band aids over Ale,as "nee and loo"ed up into
her eyes. .he stared right bac" at me and we both "new we were going to have se,.
###
! wo"e up not e,pecting to be beside someone. !t felt so long since Jill and ! missed finding
someone in my arms after wa"ing up.
! chec"ed my phone to find si, missed phone calls from Jessica and more than a do+en te,t
messages. e were supposed to return to :anada that day.
7)h shit48
7hat$s wrong08 Ale,a as"ed.
7/o you have the cab number handy08
7(o08
7*uc"# ! may have lost my best friend and might be stranded in the I...v right now.
7That$s "ind of funny.8
7Glad you thin" so#8 ! said sarcastically.
! called Jessica and she answered on the first ring. 73E5E T3E 3E'' A5E 9)I08
7!$m actually not <uite sure.8
7!$ve been driving around# loo"ing at stores# going to coffee shops# %ust fuc"ing around hoping !
wouldn$t have to leave you behind. 9ou had me worried sic". 9ou have no idea how mad ! am at
you.8
Ale,a came up behind me. 7! %ust as"ed .ummer# we can give you a ride bac" to :anada if you
can find us somewhere to crash for a few days.8
7Ih Jessica# !$m really sorry this happened. ! have another way to get home so you don$t need to
worry about me. !$ll e,plain everything when ! get bac".8
7E,plain it to me now.8
7! can$t. .ee you bac" in Edmonton.8 ! hung up already thin"ing of whatever lie ! was going to
tell her. ! turned around to ac"nowledge Ale,a. 7/one4 ! have a four bedroom townhouse that$s
completely empty.8
Chapter '
(ate Doesn0t Li.e Being Tem$ted T-ie
(othing phased me.
! felt li"e ! had reverted bac" to a childish teenager. ! didn$t "now what ! was doing running
around with delin<uent men and average-loo"ing sluts. ! used to live my life with substance and
date women whose personalitys$ were e<ual to their beauty.
This life was merely a distraction. 2inge drin"ing# dangerous driving# and worthless se, made
me forget my pain for a moment.
5ic"# .ummer# and Ale,a were at my house drin"ing whis"ey and playing po"er.
Ale,a "new that ! had court against Jill in the ne,t month and she as"ed me if she should ta"e a
few days off wor" to come bac" to :anada and show support for me& she seemed to have assumed
the role of my girlfriend. ! didn$t have feelings for her# ! didn$t care what she did with her body and
life& she was %ust some s"inny blonde ! could fuc". 2ut ! fancied the idea of having a girl to flaunt at
Jill during the court case.
After an hour into the po"er game# .ummer poured a white powder onto the table and divided it
into two lines with one of the cards from the dec". .ummer and Ale,a snorted it and then Ale,a
as"ed me if ! wanted some. ! turned the cocaine down. The girls suddenly had so much energy and
decided to go for a run outside# they did about fifteen laps around my house and then disappeared
into the sub-divisions. 5ic" and ! stepped out onto the balcony for a smo"e while listening to the
girls giggling and laughing somewhere in the distance.
After fifteen minutes# Ale,a and .ummer came running down the street and %umped over a large
metal bin. Ale,a fell pretty hard and got up complaining about having even more bruises li"e the
ones she got in the Inited .tates climbing the school.
;Jordan# 5ic"# we want to go for a drive4; .ummer announced. .he pulled out her car "eys#
%umping into the car with Ale,a and started speeding away. e chased after them waving our arms.
.ummer hit the bra"es# rolled down the window and shouted for us to hurry up if we were coming.
5ic" and ! got into the bac" of the car to supervise the girls but with .ummer drun"# on co"e# and
behind the wheel# ! "new none of us were safe.
;! thin" ! need this#; 5ic" said as he pulled a mic"ey of vod"a out of his bac" poc"et. 3e too"
and shot and passed it to me.
.ummer drove out in the flatland# flying around corners# pulling the e-bra"e and doing DH?
degree turns.
! was mildly frea"ing out while Ale,a was shouting all "inds of random stuff out the window.
)ut of the stress and fear# ! too" countless shot of the vod"a. .ummer stopped the car so (ic"
and Ale,a could swap seats. Ale,a %umped on me in the bac"seat and shoved her tongue in my
mouth. ith Ale,a attached my mouth and being as drun" as ! was# ! wasn$t paying attention to
anything else. e hardly noticed or cared that the car nearly went off the road so many times.
.ummer pulled out onto the highway and began gunning it. This poor blondie was standing on
the side of road with her thumb up. ! laughed and then .ummer started slowing down and pulled
over for her.
;Are you "idding me0 e$re pic"ing this girl up0; ! stammered.
;9eah# and we$re going to scare the living shit out of her#; .ummer win"ed.
;9ou are a cruel# cruel girl. hy we must be harass the cute ones08
73ey48 Ale,a e,claimed as she gave me a silly loo".
2londie %umped into the bac" beside me. ;Than" you so much# it was really cold out there and
hardly any cars are driving by at this time of night. ! need to get bac" into Edmonton#; she told us.
! could smell li<uor on her breath. Maybe she was a party animal too# maybe she was li"e us#
maybe she$d en%oy herself# ! started thin"ing as ! offered her some vod"a from the mic"ey.
.he declined.
.ummer completely ignored blondie$s re<uest to go to Edmonton and floored it in the opposite
direction. The tires screeched around every curve and then .ummer swung off the highway again
bac" onto the dirt roads. .he was pulling more one-eighty degree turns before shooting into walls of
trees. The girl had a loo" of terror on her face as was staring straight at the road. .he was already
regretting stepping foot in the cra+y car.
Ale,a started ma"ing out with me again. .he wrapped her arms around me and dug her nails into
my bac". ! playfully bit her nec". .he climbed on top of me started grinding her pelvis into mine.
2londie was right there and ! was so into,icated that ! %ust didn$t give a fuc". ! wanted her to see.
.he tapped me on the shoulder. ! turned around to loo" at her and she as"ed me for a shot. !
handed her the vod"a before turning bac" around on Ale,a. .he started moaning subtly li"e she was
trying to put on a show for our hitchhi"ing friend. 2londie wasn$t having it# she opened the door
while .ummer was still going over one-hundred.
.ummer noticed this and hammered on the bra"es as blondie is trying to climb out of the car
while it$s still moving. The car comes to a full stop and she ta"es off running.
73ey#8 .ummer shouts to Ale,a. 7Go and get her. e can$t leave her out in the middle of
nowhere. Their$s no cell service.8
.ummer as"ed who was most sober. ! said it was probably me. ! traded seats because .ummer
claimed she was feeling too fuc"ed up to "eep driving.
Ale,a gets out of the car# wal"s toward blondie# and tells her that she should come with us. That
it$s not safe for her to be out there alone. Ale,a grabs her arm and starts pulling her bac" toward the
car. .he appears reluctant. Just then# this big# blac" .ierra filled with rednec"s pulls up. They start
to holler at the girls.
Ale,a yells# 7.EE4 )3 M9 G)/# 'ET. G)48
The girls get into the car. ! slam the car into reverse# flip it into another one-eighty# 7!T$$.
EA.T.!/E# EA.T.!/E48 ! scream out the window as ! leave the rednec"s in a cloud of dust and
peel bac" out onto the highway.
2londie is hysterical. 7)h my god. hat$s happening08
! turn to the bac"seat# still driving rec"lessly# not even paying attention to the road. 7Eastside
rednec"s. !t$s co"e wars4 :)6E A5.48
2londie is straight up frea"ing the fuc" out. e drive bac" into Edmonton# she %umps out of the
car while it$s still moving# flags down a cab# and gets the fuc" out of there.
'ater in the night# .cott and 'u"e called me to tell me about a party. ! agreed and invited my
American guests to continue enduring the night.
.ummer is good to drive again and we pic" up .cott and 'u"e. e fill the car to overcapacity
and drive to a classy area. The house is filled with the privileged and some weird ass dubstep was
blasting out of blown spea"ers.
! start ma"ing my rounds and to my horror# ! spot Jill. .he$s with her new boyfriend and he has
her arm around her. My chest felt li"e it filled with rage and it too" every ounce of willpower to not
storm over there swinging my fists.
! run into the "itchen and grab a half-filled bottle of te<uila that someone left there. ! pour li<uor
down my throat thin"ing that it$s somehow going to ta"e the edge off. 2ut alcohol always ma"e
things worse.
5ic" came into the "itchen. 7There you are. 9our girlfriend is loo"ing for you.8
7e need to go. ()48
7hy08
7My e, is here.8 ! turned around and Ale,a is standing right there with .ummer.
7hich e,0 The one that$s ta"ing you to court08 Ale,a stammered.
! nodded. 7'et$s get the fuc" out of here48
7(o. .how me who she is. !$ll tell her where to fuc"ing go48
Then of all people# 1aige spots me from the living room. 7J)5/A(408
Ale,a naturally assumes that 1aige is Jill. 2efore ! could get a word out of my mouth# Ale,a
approaches 1aige and bitch slaps her across the face. The loo" of pure shoc" on 1aige$s face was
priceless. Although ! still held great respect for 1aige and cared about her.
! grabbed Ale,a by the arm and told her# ;rong 'arsen#; before pulling her toward the front
door. Just before ! made it out# Jill$s eyes met with mine for a half-second. -- That moment of eye-
contact was an image burned into my mind. -- e weren$t even there for ten minutes and we already
caused havoc.
.ummer and 5ic" came running out after us. e %umped in the car and drove to a secluded
par"ing lot. 5ic" pulled out some more cocaine but e,plained he had run out of the good stuff. The
"ind he was offering to everyone was lower grade meaning that it was laced.
! was almost tempted# but declined. ! "new that if ! had an additional substance in me# ! would
not be able to control myself.
.ummer started racing us bac" to my house. .he was really feeling the rush and didn$t give a
damn about the police or the public. .he was cruising down the highway so fast that every other car
seemed as if they were motionless.
)h my god# what the fuc" was that0; .ummer yelled.
;hat0; 5ic" as"ed.
;There it is again4;
;hat0; 5ic" as"ed again.
;! "eep seeing this flashing light behind me.;
;That co"e probably wasn$t clean#; ! stated because Ale,a "ept claiming that there was little
critters running around on the floor of the car.
.ummer wasn$t paying attention to the road during her brief hallucinations. Glaring bra"e lights
illuminated in front of us. An .IB before us slowed right down to pull onto an overpass. .ummer
slammed on the bra"es but it was too late# she swerved around the .IB at almost E? "ilometres an
hour and spun out into the other lane. ! heard a deathly screech as two beams of light came closing
in on us.
Chapter "
The Great Di!ide
There is something about spending :anada /ay alone# into,icated# sitting on your bathroom
floor gripping a handgun that lets you "now your life is spinning dangerously out of control.
! didn$t really care what happened to me anymore. !f ! lost control of my car and shot off a cliff#
so be it. Jill wasn$t suppose to "ill my daughter# Jill wasn$t suppose to leave me for a lesser man. !
saw a future with her# one ! had wor"ed hard toward and had been building for three years. ! put
everything into her and it was gone. Three years of wor"ing# three years of my time and energy
were wasted. ! held onto words li"e love# honesty# loyalty# compassion# and forgiveness to
demonstrate that ! had what it too" to be the best man for her# and all those words and their value
bought me nothing but grief# hatred# and self-destruction. ! wasn$t going to "ill myself but ! didn$t
have to necessarily be careful with my e,istence either.
! had to admit to myself that a part of me still loved Jill# and it pained me so much to accept that
when all ! wanted to do was forget that she ever e,isted. ! felt li"e my days were coming to a close#
that my end was inevitable and near. ! didn$t want to fight it or try to save myself because life lost
it$s value to me. That$s why ! dran" e,cessively and drove li"e ! was invincible# too" in a girlfriend
that ! "new was wrong for me and cheated with .amantha. !f my death was in fact coming# ! wanted
to at least die en%oying myself# stealing whatever form of happiness ! could get bac".
.ometimes ! wondered if ! was meant to die in that horrific car crash when ! was a teenager and
yet again a few nights ago# but ! somehow cheated death and these second chances at life come with
a heavy price. ! thought ! should at least be than"ful for all the additional years and e,periences that
came after.
! thought ! was scraping by on the roc" bottom all these months# hiding from my emotion#
dissatisfaction# and agony on the inside of a bottle. 2ut little did ! "now# was that there was
something even deeper than roc" bottom and ! was about to fall into it$s great divide.
My phone had been ringing non-stop. Even Jill left me a message& she told me she was only
calling because Jessica as"ed her to. Jessica was so worried about me that she was even turning to
my enemies for help.
Ale,a would bang on the door every few hours. .he was begging me to get a hold of myself and
drive her bac" home. .ince .ummer totaled the car and she was arrested for impaired driving# Ale,a
didn$t have a way bac" to the I.. 5ic"# ! had no clue where he was.
!$d been loc"ed inside my bathroom for close to twenty-four hours. 3adn$t eaten# hadn$t slept# %ust
going insane with a bottle and a seemingly endless supply of pain"illers.
:ar crashes fuc"ed with my head. 2eing in one when ! was a teenager traumati+ed me& being in
another one and watching .ummer get ta"en away by police fuc"ed me up. There was a baby and
her mother in the car that we spun into. ! wasn$t driving& ! wasn$t responsible for the accident# but
"nowing that ! was driving %ust li"e .ummer# being %ust as irresponsible as my friends made me feel
guilty.
! didn$t who ! was. ! didn$t thin" ! was a good person anymore. All that was once great was no
longer. ! didn$t "now how to fight for something# how to act li"e a normal human being# or how to
feel good about myself again.
After pu"ing my guts out# and deciding ! wasn$t going lodge a bullet into my s"ull# ! came out of
the bathroom. ! wobbled straight to the phone and called Jill bac" in tears# telling her what !$d been
doing for the last twenty-four hours.
79ou should$ve pulled the trigger. !t would$ve been nice to "now that you$re not in the world
anymore#8 she told me.
79ou$re fuc"ing sic"# you "now that.8
79ou$re the one who sounds mentally ill.8
7! loved you. ! would$ve done anything for you. 9ou "illed our daughter and ! was still willing to
fight for you. And you want me dead0 9ou$re too conceited to reali+e that you$re legitimately
playing with a life.8
7! have nothing but hatred for you4 9ou ma"e me fuc"ing...8
! hung up and fell into my couch as a sobbing mess. ! was in 3ell& this was 3ell and ! couldn$t
see a way out.
hen Ale,a reali+ed that ! was out of the washroom# she too" the gun and hid it on me. .mart
girl. 7Jordan...!$ll give you money. !$ll do whatever you want. :an you please %ust ta"e me home0 !
tried calling family and friends& no one can get me. !$m going to lose my %ob.
7Time...give me time...need..8 ! mumbled senselessly.
Ale,a gave up on me and she left the house. ! found my strength <uic"ly when she came bac"#
inviting random guys she met into my house. They came into my house acting li"e they owned the
place. Ale,a offered them food from my fridge and helped herself to the contents of my li<uor
cabinet. )h no4 (ot my precious alcohol4
This one asshole with curly hair sat down on my couch# crac"ed open one of my beers and
coc"ed his shoes up on my coffee table. e$ll call him :urly.
7GET T3E *I:6 )IT )* M9 3)I.E48 ! screamed.
3e %umped up <uic"ly. 3e was taller than me# staring down at me li"e ! was a lesser man.
A bald friend of his ran into the room and pulled :urly away from me.
7!s this your house08 the bald stranger as"ed respectfully.
79es# it is.8
7e$re sorry. e didn$t "now. Ale,a invited us& she said it was o"ay.8
7.he$s American and a guest in M9 house48
:urly stepped up and got in my face again. 7! don$t li"e the way you$re tal"ing to us# small guy.8
73ey48 2aldy e,claimed to :urly. 79ou %ust got out. 9ou want to go bac" to %ail. 9ou hit him and
you go bac" for two years.8
7!t$ll be worth it#8 :urly replied.
! smir"ed sarcastically. 7! got a pathetic convict in my house0 Go ahead# hit me4 !$d love to put
you bac" where you belong.8
7)h# don$t fuc"ing tempt me48
73old that thought.8 ! told him as ! went to my upper floor# dialed EDD on my cell# told the police
that ! had unwanted trespassers in my house and that they were threatening me in an agressive
manner.
!t was satisfying to see the police actually aid me for once. They escorted the intruders out of my
home# but when ! said ! wanted to press charges# Ale,a claimed a far-fetched story that ! told her
she was allowed to bring them there to get a party started. .he proceeded to tell them that ! was the
one initiating the threats and being agressive.
Maybe ! was. Maybe ! was %ust losing my mind. Maybe any person would lose it when they
witnessed strangers coming into their home and helping themselves to your things.
! called blasphemy# but the police were unable to press charges with Ale,a$s cooperation with my
opposed.
!t was cute when Ale,a tried to follow me bac" into my house after the dilema# claiming that she
only did it because ! was practically a ghost in my own home and that she needed to find people
who might drive her home.
.he stormed off my doorstep swearing !$d regret what ! did to her.
! laughed at her hysterically. ! actually felt good in some cra+y# strange way. Give me something
to fight for# give me a challenge# an obstacle to overcome that doesn$t seem so eternally permanent
and ! suddenly find purpose. /efensive instinct reawa"ended me& defense over my own property
and respect.
Ale,a wasn$t full of bullshit when she said !$d regret what ! did to her. 3owever her perspective
had a much different meaning than mine.
!n the e,act same way that the police came to arrest me for non-e,istent crimes against Jill# the
police came to arrest me for non-e,istant crimes against Ale,a.
The two officers escorted me to the bac" of their truc"# loo"ed up my file and learned that ! was
on bail and that one of my conditions was that ! couldn$t drin" alcohol. The officer pulled a case out
and removed a device from it. The officer instructed me to blow onto the device as hard as ! could. !
registered a fail into the machine. 3e told me he was going to release me with a promise to appear
in court for breaching my no alcohol condition. ! also had to sign papers ac"nowledging that my
license was going to be suspended for ninety days and my vehicle was going to be impounded
because Ale,a claimed that ! was driving drun" and that ! had cocaine in my car. The officers
searched my car and discovered traces of the white powder. ! immediately chec"ed my coat poc"ets
to find my car "eys were in fact absent.
! "indly as"ed the officers if they could let me step out of the vehicle to have a cigarette. They
allowed it and ! inhaled every puff of it as deeply as ! could as ! watched my car get hoo"ed up to a
tow truc" before being pulled away. ! started thin"ing about how ! didn$t stand a chance in court
anymore with my breach# how Ale,a fuc"ed me# how ! lost my ability to drive# and the thousands of
dollars in fines and vehicle impound fees. ! felt more hopeless than ! ever had.
hen ! finished my cigarette# ! received the strangest te,t from 5ic".
;.o you beat Ale,a0 5eally0 All the mar"s and bruises on her body show that you have# good %ob
on that. .he$s tal"ing to the police right now.;
;Jordan Gardiner#; the officer said as he stepped out of his vehicle. ;you$re under arrest for two
counts of assault on Ale,a .et+er.;
Chapter $
Purgatory
hen ! was sitting in the %ail cell# ! couldn$t stop myself from hyper ventilating# it e,hausted me
and ! was having difficulty breathing. ! held the small blan"et in my hands that the officer gave me
and loo"ed at the ceiling where a grate covered a ventilation duct. ! thought about weaving the
blan"et through the holes in the grate and hanging myself. !t really didn$t loo" that hard. !nstead# !
rolled over and went to sleep.
Then ! wo"e up to the officer opening the cell door. ;9ou have a phone call#; he told me before
guiding me into another room with a phone off the receiver. 3e shut the thic" metal door behind me
and ! pic"ed up the phone. !t was my lawyer.
;Jordan# you$ve got two options: tomorrow you can either decide to have a bail hearing and have
a trial set for ne,t month or you can stay detained for three days and get a trial in Grand *or"s
where legal aid is available to represent you. ! recommend you stic" it out so you can have
representation whereas if you re<uest a bail hearing# you$ll have to represent yourself. And whatever
you do# don$t answer any <uestions the police as" you. Good luc".;
And that was that.
! thought ! was only being detained for the night until things got sorted out. ! had no idea what !
was really facing. ! needed to get out of that cell so ! re<uested a bail hearing to fight for my
release.
! would have to wait until the morning.
The room was hell to me. ! had started going through withdrawals while ! was in there and
started hyperventilating again and had the sha"es. ! had nothing but a styrofoam cup for water and a
small blan"et that didn$t even cover my whole body. The room was free+ing and ! couldn$t "eep
myself warm and got to sleep on concrete.
! "new ! didn$t deserve this. ! wondered what was going on outside the cell# ! didn$t understand
how or why Ale,a did this me. ! was perple,ed and felt li"e an animal inside a cage.
! waited and waited for my bail hearing# but it never seemed to come. ! as"ed the officer outside
my cage what time it was mulitple times: J:?? p.m# C:?? p.m# H:?? p.m# midnight# but my bail
hearing never came. .o ! went to sleep# dreaming in my limbo. ! could consciously wa"e myself up
but ! "new where ! really was and wanted to stay asleep. ! dreamt that ! escaped my cell and ! was
en%oying freedom# en%oying the warm sun on my face# and en%oying a life without pain.
!n the morning# an officer finally pulled me out of the cell for a teleconference hearing with a
%udical case manager. ! immediately re<uested a bail hearing even though my lawyer advised me not
to.
The officer pleaded a case. 7Jordan Gardiner has been accused for abusing a woman and was
released on bail. 3e has again been charged for abusing another girl from the Inited .tates# in
which she claimed he had been "eeping cocaine in his car. hen we searched the vehicle# we did
find traces of the drug in his car. 3e was also on a no-alcohol condition and we found him
into,icated at the time of arrest. The 5:M1 are recommending that he be detained until )ctober
until he can be present for his trials. e believe that if he is granted release# he will commit more
offenses.8
!t was still early July and they wanted to "eep me detained until late )ctober. ! was baffled that !
could spend three-four months in prison without a conviction or any evidence presented against me.
7Bery well#8 the %udical case manager concluded. 73e will be detained until ne,t wee" where he
will be transported to the Edmonton courthouse to recieve a hearing.8
73old on#8 ! blurted out in disbelief# 7don$t ! get to give my side of the story08
7Bery well# let$s hear it#8 the %udge on the other end of the line replied.
! spilled everything4 2rea"ing into the school in the Inited .tates# how .ummer and Ale,a came
bac" to :anada with me# the car accident# how Ale,a invited criminals into my home# and how !
didn$t have posession of my "eys after learning a drug was discovered in my car. ! admitted to self-
medicating with alcohol# to every wrongful act !$d done# and that yes ! did violate my bail
conditions# but ! was a non-violent individual.8
The %udical case manager changed his position and granted me an earlier hearing in :algary in
three days so that ! didn$t have to be loc"ed up for as long. The officer in the room also changed her
attitude. .he said it was a good thing ! spo"e up and that there was honesty in my voice# which was
apparently a rare thing in her observation of criminals. .he told me that ! was either an ama+ing liar
or that ! was innocent. )ver the following days ! spent in solitary# she ac<uired cigerettes from other
co-wor"ers and let me out of my cell to smo"e them.
.he only let me inside the vehicle bay. ! still couldn$t see my precious daylight but to even get
out of the cell was a blessing.
7Than" you#8 ! told her with appreciative eyes. 7! "now you didn$t have to do this. ! can$t tell you
how much this means to me.8
Every breath of the cigerette was li"e puffing on magical unicorn dust. !nhaling a cigerette was
the e<uivalent to winning to the lottery for me.
7! have good news for you#8 the female officer told me# 7Ale,a recanted her accusations. .he
admitted that she lied to us and refused to give us another statement. hen someone ta"es bac"
their accusation and refuses to give another statement# the reverse onus is ta"en off you.8
A reverse onus meant that ! would have to prove my innocence to be released. (ow that the
reverse onus was ta"en off me# the crown counsel would have to prove my guilt beyond a
reasonable doubt. .o ! didn$t have to fight for my innocence& the crown had to fight for my guilt
instead.
*or the ne,t three days# all ! did was stare at four walls and sleep. !t felt li"e three wee"s in
solitary and ! had no concept of time. ! usually wo"e up not "nowing how long ! was out for#
thin"ing it was DD:?? p.m at night. hen ! as"ed an officer when he came to give me food# it was
only =:?? p.m.
9ou don$t reali+e %ust how beautiful the sun can be when you$ve been loc"ed in a room for so
long. To breathe fresh air# feel natural warmth# see a lush green tree or the thin blades of grass was
now a lu,ury. ! would$ve done anything to hug a beach# lay in some grass# dive into a la"e. To
envision the s"y again seemed li"e an immaculate paradise.
! wished that ! had been put in a cell with another criminal& ! didn$t care if he was a murder or
rapist. ! felt li"e ! was going insane in solitary. ! thought ! was going insane in my townhouse in my
bathroom for twenty-four hours# but being a %ail cell completely sober and nothing at all but hopeful
dreams and wishes to see the outside again was eye-opening.
My own personal hell started to feel li"e a blessing. /rugs# alcohol# near-death e,periences were
a stimulation that now felt alien.
After my remaining days of detainment before trial# two sheriff$s arrived at the police station# let
me out of my cell and shac"led my hands and legs before they led me into a truc". !nside was a
ple,iglass compartment that ! had the pleasure of sitting in for the three-hour drive to :algary.
My police escort arrived at the :algary courthouse. Ipon arrival# ! was put into a room to spea"
with a lawyer who was going to represent me. ! had to spea" to him through a telephone and we
were separated by a ple,i-glass window. The lawyer wasn$t very confident that he could get me
released. 3e e,plained to me that ! was probably going to end up in the nearest 5emand :enter# a
prison where there was a stabbing every wee"# for several months until my trials with Jill and Ale,a
were over. The lawyer told me he$d dealt in criminal law# he$d been representing criminals for over
thirty years and he "nows a criminal when he sees one. 3e told me ! wasn$t a criminal and ! didn$t
belong in prison# but if ! ended up there ! could very well become one by the time ! got out. *or that
very reason# he was going to fight to get me released.
! still couldn$t believe that ! was on the verge of being sent to a real and legitmate prison without
a conviction or any evidence presented against me. This was the real deal. ! thought a wee" in the
5:M1 station was bad# but four months with all the hardened criminals in the province& ! didn$t
"now if !$d survive. A part of me didn$t even care if ! went to prison or not& ! didn$t see much of a
life for myself either way. !f ! was released# what on earth would ! do with my freedom and life0
6ill myself0 :ontinue feeding my addictions0 'oc" myself in my bathroom for days with a
firearm0
As ! was as"ing myself all these <uestions# something happened that ! never thought would.
Jill wal"ed into the room# waiting on the other side of the ple,iglass window.
! pic"ed up the phone again. 7hy are you here08 ! as"ed# my voice filled with hatred.
7! didn$t thin" you$d go down this hard. ! thought you were stronger. ! thought you$d get over me
and live a better life#8 Jill e,plained.
7This has nothing to do with you anymore.8
79es it does. This all started because of me. !f ! didn$t have you charged in the first place# you
wouldn$t be in this mess. ! never wanted this for you.8
7:an you even comprehend the reactions of your decisions0 9ou$re not even sorry for what
you$ve done. (ot truly. This e,ample can$t top an imagination of what ! went through: the person
you loved started lying to you# murdered your child# started fuc"ing another person with only the
e,cuse that they didn$t feel that way about you anymore. Then because you still loved them and
as"ed for a second chance# %ust to see if it was what they really wanted# you got arrested and
limitations put on your life. 2ecause alcohol was the only coping tool you had# you were detained in
a %ail cell for almost a wee"# left cold# hungry# going through withdrawals# and nothing but one-
hundred and forty-four hours of staring at walls# wondering why you were suffering so much for
things you didn$t do. And now# wondering if you have to spend the ne,t several months in prison
until your trials are over# because apparently you$re a danger to the public. hen you curl up into a
ball screaming and crying for god or the devil to either save you or "ill you# wondering how you
can barely put one foot in front of the other....when you "now what that is li"e# when you
understand that you were the one to initially inflict it# and you can apologi+e and understand that
you destroyed a man& then one day ! may be able to forgive you.8
79ou$re being over-dramatic.8
79ou primitive little girl...8
7! thought you might have learned your lesson# but you didn$t.8
Jill hung up the phone and wal"ed out.
79)I$5E /EA/ T) ME# J!''4 ! 3)'/ 9)I 5E.1)(.!2'E# 9)I 3EA5 ME4 9)I$5E
5E.1)(.!2'E *)5 A'' T3!.48
! burst into tears. ! wasn$t trying to attac" Jill. ! was already starting to accept the fact that she
was fuc"ing another man. ! %ust wanted her to understand. ! wanted her to tell me she was sorry and
really mean it. ! had never e,perienced something so brutal& something to ma"e you feel li"e death
was better than another second of that "ind of suffering. A real# informed apology was all that !
wanted and Jill refused to give it to me. .he still treated me li"e a monster. ! A. a monster. 2ut
not the monster ! was being charged for& not the monster ! inflicited my own suffering with.
! was angry# sad# and hopeless.
The sheriff$s put me in another solitary room for three hours.
*inally# ! was escorted into the court room for my defense against non-e,istence crimes. All this
legal language and recitements of sections and acts flew bac" and forth between parties. ! didn$t
understand what was going on# if ! was winning or losing# or if ! was even going to be
ac"nowledged. ! finally heard some insight on what ! did "now and understand. Ale,a recanted her
accusations against me and re<uested that ! not be charged but it wasn$t in her control anymore and
crown proceeded with the charges.
The %udge told me she was going to release me# but on very strict conditions. .he gave me a F:??
p.m curfew# ! couldn$t posess a firearm# ! couldn$t possess a "nife e,cept for the purpose of eating
food# ! couldn$t directly or indirectly be in contact with Ale,a# .ummer# 5ic"# Jill# or 1aige. ! had to
absolutely abstain from alcohol and any drugs that weren$t prescribed to me by a doctor. ! couldn$t
legally change my name# my address# and ! had to report to a bail officer once a wee". !f ! bro"e
any of these conditions and was even suspected that ! might brea" one of them# ! would be sub%ect
to serving two years in prison.
! already felt li"e ! was on house arrest. The first thing ! did when ! got released was go to the
nearest gas station# buy a pac" of cigarettes and smo"ed half the pac" in one sitting. Then ! went to
the nearest li<our store to buy a bottle of vod"a. 2ut ! remembered that the police too" my drivers
license so ! had no photo !/.
! almost felt sic" seeing cars driving around on the street# hearing all the noises of the city# and
having a tourist as" me for directions. After being isolated for so many days# it was too much
stimulation for me.
! chec"ed my phone which was filled with te,t messages and missed phone calls. ord got
around about what was happening to me. !t almost brought tears to my eyes to see how much
people actually cared# especially all the people that ! thought didn$t.
Even friends in gangs# the big# tough# and badass guys you never e,pected to show emotion had
sent me stories of how ! changed their lives and sent me survival tactics for prison.
! went bac" to Edmonton and paid out a penalty to brea" my rent lease early. ! li<uified
everything ! had. 3igh-end electronics# e,pensive furniture# everything ! had spent the last few
years paying for to call my place a home with Jill was being loaded onto truc"s.
! called my bail officer and as"ed if ! was allowed to travel. .he told me that it was fine as long
as ! abided by my conditions in other cities& so ! went to the bus station and bought a one-way tic"et
to Bancouver.
! needed to get out of Alberta. ! needed a retreat# a familiar place# and familiar faces.
Jessica always left me in awe# she was smart# she was an intellectual# and she was e,perienced in
life li"e me. .he "new what she was tal"ing about so ! put great value on her opinions and advice&
her words meant more to me than others who didn$t <uite understand and see the world li"e we did.
! had scared the shit out of Jessica. ! managed to get one te,t message out to her saying my
goodbye %ust before ! was detained. .he was incredibly worried for me and searched *aceboo" for
answers. .he loo"ed at some of Jill$s statuses and "new something big went down. .he was flooded
with relief when ! contacted her letting her "now that ! was o"ay. 1hysically at least.
;Even though it seems li"e life is beating the hell out of you#; Jessica said to me# ;! "now you$ll
ta"e good out of it. !f this "ind of stuff didn$t happen to you and you lived an average life# you
wouldn$t have so many interesting things to say and write about. !t$s %ust the way you are&
everything about you is so full of energy. 'ife will bore you without events of this magnitude. 9ou
are too e,perienced to let this society destroy you.;
Jessica$s words gave me inspiration. *inally# ! was ready to listen. The ordeal ! had e,perienced
could$ve gone the other way# but instead# ! was a free man. ! could pursue what ! wanted& do what !
wanted. Just li"e my car crash when ! was a teenager# ! could loo" at this as another chance& a
chance to do real things in the world.
! had a long fight ahead of me and a lot of rebuilding to do. ! "new that ! would push closer and
closer to the victory line because ! was Jordan Gardiner& it was who ! was and what ! did.
2efore going to bed that night# 5ic" te,ted me to let me "now that Ale,a was in a I. hospital.
.he slashed both her wrists open because she felt guilty for lying to the police and putting me
through what she did. .he was found bleeding out in her bac"yard in :ouer d$Alene. .he wanted
5ic" to tell me that she still cared about me.
! never replied.
Chapter %
A ,areer %n Dreams or A ,areer %n Drugs
! caught up with my old friend# 6evin 1aynter# whom ! met during many acting productions in
the 6ootenays of 2ritish :olumbia. 6evin was one of the most talented and outgoing actors ! "new.
3e "new the film industry# and could do the most realistic impressions of famous celebrities.
6evin had an unparalleled vocabulary& he spo"e in refined statements and used old fashioned
words. !n fact# everything about him was old-fashioned. 3e breathed class and endorsed what men
used to be. 6evin believed in well-tailored suits# cigars# American cars# mannerisms# opening the
door for the girl& not showing off bulging muscles# flashing cash around# and acting li"e a hot-shot.
6evin was one of the final breeds of gentleman.
6evin was living in a high rise at the edge of (ew estminster& he gave me a tour of his very
accomodating comple, before inviting me into his suite on the twenty-third floor. 3e mi,ed up a
few drin"s and informed me about what he was doing in his life. 6evin had been brea"ing into the
entertainment industry notably fast. 6evin lived in (ew estminster for only a year and he had
landed the role of a bac"ground performer in several do+en productions. 6evin landed parts in
.upernatural# and met actors li"e :hristopher al"en# Jac" (icholson# Jac" 2lac"# and Jensen
Ac"les. 3e helped his sister land a spot in the wedding scene of Twilight: 2rea"ing /awn: 1art
)ne.
! was happy for him. 3e was achieving the dream !$d always wanted for myself.
The conversation too" a turn when he as"ed me if ! was still serious about brea"ing into the film
industry. 6evin had connections& good ones# and he was willing to set me up with them. !t was after
an hour of conversation and a cigar that ! reali+ed ! needed to %ust pic" a direction and put myself
into full throttle.
Jill and my life in Edmonton weighed me down& ! couldn$t find the time or the energy to pursue
something better. ! tried to replace Jill with Ale,a# but that was the stupidest thing ! could$ve done#
because not only did she land me in more legal trouble# the last thing ! needed was a serious
relationship. After Jill# ! never reali+ed it# but ! was free# and then ! tried to give my freedom away
so hastily. After my legal problems were over# ! wouldn$t have anything to weigh me down and it
would be the perfect moment to pursue my original dream.
6evin was an intellectual much li"e myself. 3e understood things that most of society was blind
to# and he "new ! was in the rut. 3e offered me not only the guidance ! needed# but a "ey to the
resources it too" to get where ! wanted.
After the rende+vous with 6evin# ! had one more contact to see. My old friend# Grath was a drug
dealer. ! confided in him about my legal problems and he told me their was someone who could
help. 3e put in contact with an !talian named John# whose father was a member of the (orth
American Mafia.
! went to the address provided to me. John answered the door# invited me in# and offered me a
drin". 3e was a short guy with long# blac"# greasy hair.
e bullshitted and engaged in small tal" for a bit# then he got straight to business.
;2efore ! begin tal"ing#; he said in his thic" !talian accent# ;we$re not here# and this conversation
isn$t happening.;
;Inderstood#; ! replied.
;!$m going to start you off small# nothing dangerous. !t$s going to be easy# low-ris" money. !$ll get
you transporting weed and once you prove that you can manage that# !$ll bring you up to ecstasy and
co"e. /on$t steal from us or you$re going to put yourself in a bad spot. !f a drop off or deal goes bad
and you come bac" without the money and without the product# come to us and %ust be honest. e
will deal with it. 6nowing who to trust is %ust as important as ma"ing the profit8
79ou guys don$t have an initiation process08 ! as"ed# unsure of myself.
;e$re not savages# you don$t have to get a tattoo or "ill someone. hen you want out# %ust say
you$re out. e$re not going to hold you this life. 2ut trust me# man# it$s hard to leave. 9ou get
addicted to the lifestyle. 9ou get addicted to the money.;
;! can imagine#8 ! smir"ed at the thought.
;9ou need to be very careful# almost paranoid. )nly deal with the people we tell you to. !f we
send you with product and someone says he$s pic"ing it up for him# you refuse and only put it in the
hands of who we tell you to. 2ring someone with you# pay him some of your cut. A big guy
preferably# someone who "nows how to fight. 3aving a partner li"e that ma"es people thin" twice
about double-crossing you. 2e careful about police too. ! was on a run with my boy %ust a couple
wee"s ago and we noticed an undercover cop sitting outside the house. )ur customer was under
surveillance so we left and stopped selling to him. !t was s"etchy situation. !f anything does happen
and you get arrested and have to go to court. /o not say anything. e will ta"e care of you. e$ll
pay for your lawyers and we$ll get you out. !f you end up doing time# we will compensate you. e
will give you money and a new life when you$re out. Just whatever you do# you cannot tal"# no
matter what. e have ways of getting to you even behind bars.
! wasn$t thin"ing about much other than the money. ! wasn$t thin"ing about police# charges# and
doing hard time. ! was bro"en& ! lost my whole life and ! was so desperate to find better
circumstances. ! saw this as the fast-trac" to success. !f ! was careful# if ! didn$t get caught# !$d have
the money and resources to build whatever life ! wanted. !t was a gamble but ! didn$t thin" much of
my freedom and thought ! had nothing to lose.
;/on$t use your own phone. .tay off the internet. Actually#; John continued as he pulled five new
i1hones out of his %ac"et. ;! have one for you. !t$s unloc"ed. Ise this phone for wor" and nothing
else.;
73old onto it for now. This is an attractive offer that ! appreciate greatly# but it$s something !$m
going to have to thin" about it.8
7)f course# man. There$s no pressure and this line of wor" isn$t for everyone.8
e continued tal"ing about the %ob for a good hour. ! learned how the entire world of drug
traffic"ing operated and how to protect yourself from the authorities on an e,treme scale. !f !
accepted the offer# ! would be moving e,tensive amounts of illegal substances from point A to point
2.
###
! shamefully found myself in a bar drin"ing my money away and debating the offer. as ! really
cut out for the criminal life0 as it worth ris"ing the chance of getting murdered or doing hard time
in a remand center.
2efore anything# ! had to get control of my li<our inta"e& ! "new my life was going to only get
worse if ! couldn$t do that. Alcoholism was my greatest vice.
hen you lose all control of your life# it hurdles into disorder and chaos. Entropy is the lac" of
everything good. !t$s the absence of control# order# trust# respect# and absolution.
An idea came to me. ! remembered that my deceased grandparents had property on an small#
isolated island off the shores of Bancouver !sland. ! chec"ed my ban" account and had a few
thousand dollars left. ! wired the remains to my parents and told them not to deposit that money
bac" to me for one month.
! left myself with %ust enough money to cover the ferry costs to get to the island. ! wouldn$t have
access to alcohol# cigarettes# internet# and it was even too far from any cell phone tower. ! wouldn$t
be able to get off the island until my parents transferred my funds bac" to me.
! was going to e,ile myself out there until ! dried out.
Chapter %
E#ile
hen ! arrived on the island with a population of only a few hundred# ! was completely cut off
from alcohol# cigarettes# and any other from of addiction ! had. ! had no cell service and no internet.
! was completely disconnected from the world# purposely leaving myself stranded without any way
to leave until my four wee"s of solitude were up. !t was the only way because ! "new ! wouldn$t be
able to stop myself when ! had all the access and resources to "eep feeding my horrible habits.
! was shoc"ed to find how run down my grandparents home had become. ! spent a wee" ripping
most of the rotting wood from the house and replaced it. ! cut away overgrown vegetation# repainted
the home and brought it bac" to a maintained condition.
! hadn$t reali+ed %ust how addicted ! was to my substances until ! gave my body a moment to be
free of them. ! started to get the sha"es and was having small fits because my body was telling me it
needed alcohol and it needed nicotine. ! wanted to get off that god-forsa"en roc" and give my body
what it so desperately craved# but ! couldn$t# ! was stuc" there and had no choice but to wait it out.
! often went outside and sat at the edge of the cliff side that dropped off into the abyss of the
ocean. !t was so peaceful and <uiet. .taring out at the water soothed me and the island became
nothing less than a paradise to me.
.ome mornings when the tide was out# ! climbed down the %agged cliff side and e,plored caves
underneath the island that were often submerged.
A lot of my stress from the outside world evaporated and ! mostly found myself in boredom
without drama and issues concaving on my life.
! started going through my grandfathers bo,es of belongings. ! found all the pictures he "ept of
himself when he was young and fighting in orld ar !!. ! encased all his medals and read the
%ournals of his accounts flying in a 'ancaster being the rear gunner of the aircraft. ! was in awe over
all the times he was nearly shot out of the s"y.
There was an account dated bac" to DECC and it was vivid. 3e was in the 'ancaster aside a fleet
of bombers flying over a German city. Tracers shots flew into the s"y and anti aircraft guns began
firing shells into the air. My grandfather witnessed three other aircraft get shot out of the air ne,t to
the aircraft he manned. 3e ran to the coc"pit and told the pilot that he had to do something or they
were ne,t. The pilot listened to my grandfathers advice and maneuverd into a nose dive evading all
"inds of pro%ectiles. My grandfathers action probably saved all their lives.
! sat in tears while reading all "inds of e,periences he had in the war. Then ! found pictures of
my grandmother and remembered how much of a good man he was and how chivalrous he treated
her. To me# my grandfather was a hero and ! wished ! had gotten to "now him better.
After two wee"s# most of the cravings were gone. My mental capacity had e,panded vastly. !
could recall memories and thin" so much more efficiently when ! wasn$t constantly drowning my
brain cells in alcohol.
! continued going through my grandparents bo,es in the cellar finding "eepsa"es with so many
memories and stories behind them and then ! found the most horrifying collection of items possible.
There was an old chest filled with aged whis"eys# scotch and wines. ! pic"ed up a bottle of whis"ey
and stared at it contemplating the decision. Alcoholism controlled my life for so many years and !
"new that all it would ta"e was one drin" and ! would be bac" in the hole. ! popped it open and
smelt the into,icating aroma. ! wanted it more than anything. ! dropped the bottle# wal"ed out of the
cellar# burst out the front door of the house and into the yard. ! had an an,iety attac" and started
"ic"ing debris in the trees and punching the side of the house. ! was so close to indulging my
addiction again# it was ta"ing every ounce of willpower that ! had left. Just smelling the whis"ey
was so into,icating to me. Just "nowing that it was there& it was scratching at the inside of my s"ull#
calling me. ! couldn$t ta"e it anymore.
PPP
! wo"e up staring into the bright s"y and loo"ing upward at tree tops. hen ! got a better sense
of what happened# ! loo"ed at myself. ! had only one shoe on and was covered in scratches# bruises#
and mud. 7(o...; ! said aloud# brea"ing into tears. ! got up# loo"ed around# and had no idea where !
was. ! was deep in the woods# wondering which direction my grandparents house was. 'uc"ily# !
did "now how to trac".
! trac"ed myself through the woods# partially remembering the %ournay ! made throughout the
night. ! spotted si, separate places where ! fell. ! finally found my missing shoe laying beside a
fallen tree that ! tripped over.
! came out to a meadow# seeing a long path cut across to the cliff side. My heart dropped when !
seen a half-empty bottle laying on a ledge below the cliff$$s drop. ! had been climbing along the cliff
side so drun" that ! couldn$t remember it. !t was a miracle that ! didn$t fall to my death.
The tide had risen and ! couldn$t access the way ! came until the tide was down. ! e,plored the
area# loo"ing for an alternate way to get bac"# but ! couldn$t find a viable route. .o ! sat by the cliff
side waiting for the tide to ta"e it$s leave.
! sat on the cliffside# disapointed# beating the hell out of my self worth. ! turned around and
started ripping tall grass from their roots. ;*uc"4 *uc"4 *uc"4 hat is wrong with me0 hy can$t !
stop drin"ing0 hy can$t ! fuc"ing stop drin"ing0; ! finished and fell to my "nees. ! clawed my
fingers into some soil# raised my arm# and let the dirt sift between my fingers.
The tide finally descended. ! climbed down the cliff# loo"ed at the bottle that was stic"ing off a
nudge in its side and noticed that ! didn$t even drin" that much. My tolerance dramatically dropped
after going cold tur"ey for a few wee"s.
.till hungover# dehydrated# ! wasn$t really at my best ability& physically or mentally. My muscles
got wea" as ! was climbing down the cliff and ! lost my grip. ! plummetted off the edge to imminent
death. !n a moment of pure adrenaline# ! threw my hands into the cliff side and e,tended my nails
trying to cling onto anything ! could. ! managed to grab onto something and avoided impact. !
couldn$t climb bac" up# the only way ! could go was down. ! loo"ed below me. The rest of the fall
didn$t appear to be lethal# but it was still going to hurt. ! let go and fell into the roc"s below me. !
landed sideways on my an"le and collapsed in between two large roc"s.
My hands had more raw flesh than actual s"in on them and three of my nails were torn right out.
! stared into the s"y for almost an hour# in shoc"# watching the sun go down. ! was out there all
alone# "nowing that their wouldn$t be any help to come. ! continuously loo"ed at my cell phone
thin"ing that if ! "ept loo"ing at it reception might magically appear.
! moved slowly# hoping not to find anything bro"en. My an"le seemed to have only been
severely sprained. ! got up# managed to hop to piece of drift wood# using it as a wal"ing stic".
The sun had completely gone down leaving me in plitch blac"ness. The moon was in the s"y# but
it didn$t provide enough light to see the crevices in the roc"s. Ising my cell phone for light in the
pitch blac"# ! managed to navigate to where the cliff merged with an incline.
! eventually made it bac" to house and collapsed in the doorway. ! slept for several hours and
then pic"ed myself up to head toward the bathroom. ! ransac"ed the medicine cabinet loo"ing for
medical supplies# disinfecting my cuts# bandaging my an"le# and wrapping my fingers up with
nearly a whole bo, of band-aids.
*or days# ! stayed inside the house. ! was too scared to enter the cellar and loo" at the chest filled
with several more bottles. !t felt li"e ! was alone in the house with a demon# feeling so much bad
energy being so close it.
hen ! had the strength# ! went bac" into the cellar and pulled the chest out of the house. !
dragged it onto the edge of the cliff. ! pic"ed up the first bottle of whis"ey and loo"ed at it for a
moment before throwing bac" my arm and whipping it off the cliff. ! reached into the chest for
another bottle and threw it into the ocean. Again and again# one by one# ! threw aged li<ours into the
ocean until the chest was light enough. ! ad%usted the chest %ust right when it was light enough for a
foot to displace it. ! "ic"ed the entire chest into the ocean with as much force as ! had.
;! beat you...! fuc"ing beat you#; ! said to myself. ! will never let you destroy my life again.
! gave into my addiction again and it nearly "illed me.
PPP
After the final wee"# my money finally came in and ! was ready to leave the island a new man. !
felt renewed as a man and "new that the island had probably saved my life. Through the sobriety
and discipline# something happened to me# something that ! never thought would. All my anger#
resent# and hate seemed to be absent. ! had always collected a lot of negative emotion as my past
grew but now it was gone. ! forgave everyone for the wrong they$d done by me and the past felt so
insignificant. The events of my past made me into the man ! was# and he was far from the best he
could be because he was unable to let go# forgive# and move on.
*or the first time# ! accepted my reality and the world. ! should$ve been using my valuable
energy# time# and resources building for the future instead of trying to rebuild the past and
correcting it$s mista"es.
! let my hell and less than fortunate e,periences destroy my character and life. 2ut ! reali+ed that
! could be than"ful for those e,periences because they strengthened me# opened my hori+ons# made
me more competent# "nowledgeable# and# ultimately# better. The %ourney was more important than
it$s end result.
Chapter &
Absolution
! returned to Bancouver and through my networ" ! landed a role in a production entitled )f
.aints And )utlaws. !t was set during the *rench 5enaissance. A group of religious conscripts
embar" on a %ourney to hunt down a legendary savage. ! play a servant to the arch bishop named
1hilippe.
'ife can happen in a very peculiar way: unnecessarily slamming doors to open others at precisely
the right time. That$s the thing ! loved: no matter how much ! plan# calculate# predict# e,pect#
assume# !$m always surprised. Just when ! thin" !$ve seen it all# watching insanity stuc" on replay#
whole new circumstances with the most dreamable opportunities find their way before my grasp.
After my acting role# ! stayed on the production as the director$s assistant. ! gained rapport and a
friendship with the director# who offered me a large supporting role in his second feature that would
shoot in J?DC.
/uring the film# ! auditioned for the highest accredited private school in my field of art. This
school had a si, month intensive program for the most dedicated actors.
Bancouver Acting .chool sent me audition sides from 2attlestar Galactica# seven crammed pages
of course material# and instructed me to provide five different voice-overs. ! had to memori+e every
line of the course material and relay it to the admissions director li"e ! was the teacher and he was
the student.
A couple wee"s later# ! received this:
hen my wor" on the production was concluded# ! returned to (elson and prepared to stand my
trials against Jill and Ale,a. My lawyer told me that the trials were going to be an uphill battle. !
educated myself proficiently and built a staggering case in my defence. ! discovered loopholes and
privately investigated by digging up old emails and collecting statements from Jill$s friends. !
gathered information and witnesses that could confirm my side of events during the fiasco with
Ale,a. 2y the time ! was done# ! had a stac" of documents that outsi+ed my brief-case.
! set up a meeting with the crown counsel before the trial to ma"e an agreement. ! wanted to
wrap both trials up with a peace bond. A peace bond was no admittance of guilt# but an agreement
to conditions that would e,pire without a record.
:rown refused my proposal and wanted to hand me a criminal record with a one year probation.
That %ust wasn$t acceptable to me. ! wondered what crown thought they had on me. !n most cases#
these "inds of charges were dropped with so little evidence. They had to have been bluffing.
The day of my first trial# ! dressed formal and stormed into the courthouse with confidence. !
dismissed my lawyer for the trial because ! felt confident enough to win on my own. ! also needed
to get off the three-hundred dollar per hour payments ! was ma"ing to him.
A few good friends appeared to show their support# however# they were pessimistic about me
coming out of the situation unscathed.
The %udge appeared at the stand. ! stood up as they declared my charges.
7May we have Mr. Gardiner confirm his attendance08 as"ed the crown counsel.
7!# Jordan Gardiner# am here and present.8
7:rown has decided to enter a $stay of proceedings.$ e will not be presenting evidence at this
time.8
7Bery well.8 The %udge responded.
!t was done. ! won# %ust li"e that. ! "new crown was bluffing. My friends and ! e,ited the
courtroom and burst into laughter.
7!$m almost disappointed that ! spent all those countless hours creating the perfect case and !
didn$t even get to present it48 ! howled.
:rown$s representative came out of the room and ! held bac" my remaining laughter. 7A
moment# Mr. Gardiner08 he as"ed.
7Bery well.8 ! replied as he gestured me to enter a private room.
79ou came to me with a peace bond proposal. ! have a counter-offer for you. !f you plea guilty to
the breach of underta"ing and uttering death threats# ! will pursue only half the conditions for your
probation.8
79ou want me to plea-bargain08
7!t will ma"e things easier for you. 9ou can get off your more strict bail conditions immediately.
! can ma"e your curfew disappear# waive you of the victim surcharge# but ! want you on /(A
testing.
7/(A testing. Are you "idding me08
7That$s the only offer !$m going to ma"e you.8
7hat$s the duration of probation you$re see"ing08
7)ne year.8
! "new they had me for the breach# ! spent countless nights loo"ing for a defence to the charge#
but it was impossible unless ! could fabricate a witness to become my patsy. My highest felony was
drin"ing alcohol in my own home.
7Ale,a recanted the assault charges# that$s going nowhere. ! never uttered any death threats# have
fun collecting proof of that. ! will plea guilty for the breach if you cut the probation down to si,
months.8
7!$ll let you have a conditional discharge. !t won$t result in a criminal record.8
! sat there for several moments thin"ing it over. :ould ! win without the plea-bargain and get a
better deal0 !t was <uestionable.
7*ine.8 ! agreed unhappily.
The representative nodded. 7.tic" around# !$ll see if ! can get this before the %udge today.8
! re-entered the courtroom# plead guilty to the breach of underta"ing and made my final
submission.
7! do not believe myself to be a bad person or a criminal. !$m non-violent and in my opinion
these charges are the result of ill-conceived choice in companionship. ! have brought myself to an
emotional healthy state after the devastation of my previous common-law relationship. ! ta"e full
responsibility for breaching my no-alcohol condition. ! have had an overwhelming problem with
alcohol# which ! have successfully learned to abstain from. ! have learned immensely from the legal
fallout of my actions# and only wish to better myself from here on. ! wish to have the freedom to go
to school in Bancouver to master my profession and contribute to the public and our society. Than"
you.8
The %udge loo"ed at me warmingly. 3e seemed to reali+e that ! was caught in the legal system for
no good reason# getting caught in a disgusting slew of vengeful e,-girlfriends.
7hen deciding a sentence for your conviction#; the %udge began# ;! have to as" two <uestions:
is it in your best interest to discharge you0 ! thin" yes# you have learned from your e,periences and
! believe that you will not repeat your mista"es. !s it in the public$s best interest to discharge you0 !
thin" the answer to that <uestion is also yes. 9ou have plans for the future and ! do not believe you
to be a danger to the public. ! see no reason to give you a criminal record# !$m denying crown$s /(A
test application# and ! will sentence you to a conditional discharge with only si, months probation.8
! accepted the fallout of one out of the several charges. To me# this was victory. All my freedoms
were given bac" to me# my legal headache was over# ! could rela, and en%oy my life without
restrictions again.
! signed for the legal documents in accordance with my probation and relin<uished all my
conditions.
! wal"ed out of the courthouse# feeling the warm sun on my face li"e it was the first time. !t was
the greatest feeling in the world. ! could finally put the dar"est chapter of my life behind me and
move forward in a new beginning.
Chapter 11
The Last &oment of Entro$y
After ! had gotten all my glorious liberty out of my system# ! got serious about my life in a way !
never was before. ! went bac" to Bancouver# found a high rise apartment with a beautiful view of
the city# and started ta"ing business classes. The men in these classes were already entrepreneurs#
one restoring a castle in .cotland# and another being the man who got straw-bale homes approved in
:anada. ! felt aw"ward in the class because everyone had at least a decade of age on me. (o one
understood what a young# ine,perienced adolescent was doing ta"ing business wor"shops.
! seemed to have had it all figured out. *ree of legal bindings and addiction# an abundance of
business connections# and a highly ambitious and functioning mind# ! was happier then !$d ever been
and ! didn$t need a girl# money# or fame attain it. ! derived it from within.
Even this odd little boo" called Entropy that ! had been writing seemed to have gained some
recognition.
(o one who is not an author could imagine the hardship to have a first time boo" published. The
mar"et was brutal. The chances of the average author ma"ing a simple profit# not a living# but a
simple profit were about the same odds as a struggling actor ma"ing the big time.
hy did all the careers ! loved the most have to be the hardest to earn0
! was a revolutionary among my ancestors& no one from my heritage had ever aimed as high as !
have. !f ! had chosen a %ob in medical# law# or engineering# ! could$ve put my heart into the
curriculum and have been promised a bright future. !nstead# ! chose a field that no matter how much
schooling is ac<uired# my income# my life# my future was always uncertain. ! could either be the
biggest success in my family tree or the largest failure.
! had found a role in another production entitled :hristmas Miracle. ! was a bac"ground
performer# but they got some good close-ups of me in the film.
###
! got up early to ta"e advantage of the gym as usual. ! entered the elevator and about halfway
down# a stunning brunette got in. ! occasionally glanced at her as we descended# trying to thin" of
something smart to say. .he was a perfect ten# model height# perfect s"in# brown eyes. .he was li"e
my perfect type and then some. .he caught me loo"ing at her and ! let out a nervous# 73i#8 as my
voice crac"ed. /id my voice %ust seriously crac"0 ! thought that was suppose to stop after puberty.
A bead of sweat ran down my nec".
.he continued staring forward with a little smir" on her face. .he "new ! was nervous. ! couldn$t
remember the last time a girl made me nervous. The elevator hit the main floor and ! wal"ed out not
reali+ing that ! got off on the wrong floor. The gym was one floor below. :orrecting my mista"e# !
too" the stairs down into the gym. The brunette was already in there. )f course she$d be going to the
gym too. .he loo"ed up and shot me the biggest grin ever because she "new ! got nervous and
wal"ed onto the wrong floor.
! shot a humorous smile bac". ! proceeded with my wor" out# overly e,erting myself using
heavier weights than usual.
/uring the evening# ! dropped in at 6evin$s apartment for drin"s and good conversation. hen
we got into it# he warned me about dating actresses.
7!t$s very cutthroat out here. 9ou can$t trust an actress because they# well# "now how to act. They
will gain your trust# play you# and then stic" a "nife in your bac".8
72ad e,perience08 ! as"ed.
73ardly#8 he responded# 7! had a friend who was wor"ing on a production. )ne of the actors
didn$t show up# and the production assistant mentioned that he loo"ed similar to their missing
character. 3e was flirting with an actress on set# and relayed the information bac" to her. .he went
and tal"ed to the director about it# pretty sure she offered him a se,ual favor or something# because
suddenly she filled the shoes and they replaced the lines for a female. My friend got screwed over
on that one.8
e then proceeded to e,change business proposals. 6evin was an entrepenuer in many respects.
! had two well-planned pro%ects that ! wanted to launch with 6evin being my business partner..
6evin was on board before ! even finished my pitch. e had laid the bric" to what would be a
rollercoaster of endeavors. e were going to ta"e the city by surprise not let anything stop us.
6evin and ! went on to discuss dual nationalities. ! had ancestral benefits that ! wanted to ta"e
advantage of. !$m half 5ussian and intended to get my citi+enship. !$m <uarter .cottish and can
obtain a five-year wor" visa within The Inited 6ingdom before being entitled to apply for 2ritish
nationality. The last of my ancestry is (ative-American which can be used to obtain dual citi+enship
between :anada and the Inited .tates.
!n my opinion# the three most powerful countries outside of my own were the I.# I6# and 5I. !
had nationality advantages for all of them. ! would be a fool to not utili+e them.
! arrived at my comple, as the night drew near it$s end. !t started storming with the occasional
flash of lightning. ! steep into the elevator. ! heard a female voice shout# ;ait4; ! held the elevator
open and the brunette gym girl stepped in soa"ing wet.
7)h hi#8 she giggled# li"ely about earlier.
73i.8 ! said confidently this time. 7'aughing at me08
7hat do you mean08
7)ur interaction earlier.8
79up4 That$s was so cute#8 she giggled.
! pic"ed up on the scent of alcohol. .he was drin"ing.
7! found it funny myself# my mind wasn$t on going to gym.8 ! laughed. 7!$m Jordan# by the way.8
76atherine Vholova#8 she told me# sha"ing my hand.
73ow was your evening08
7!t was great. ! went drin"ing with some friends. ! hardly get to drin" with how busy ! am.8
The elevator reached her floor. .he stepped out.
73ey# ! need a female opinion on something#8 ! said <uic"ly.
7)h08
! left one foot in the elevator as ! stepped out with her for a second.
7! was trying on colognes earlier and ! need to "now which one smells better.8
! had two different "inds on each wrist of my shirt. ! wanted to "eep tal"ing to her# and it was the
only thing ! could thin" of.
.he smelt each wrist. 7! li"e this one#8 she told me holding my left arm.
The elevator starting bu++ing profusely because ! "ept it open too long.
7Ih# ! hope this doesn$t seem too forward# but you seem li"e a really cool girl. ould you li"e to
grab another drin" in my suite08
7)"ay#8 she smiled.
! was slightly ta"en abac" by how easily she agreed. .he stepped bac" into the elevator with me#
we made it to my floor and wal"ed into my suite.
7'et me guess# modeling08
7Acting8 she smiled. 7Going to school for it.8
;*unny you say that...;
E$ilogue
/on$t dwell on the past. ! focused on rebuilding what ! had in the past instead of building for the
future. Many people focus on in%ustices and regrets from their past that they can barely appreciate
their accomplishments. hile you do have to deal with each and every problem in the moment#
when it$s over and done with# there is nothing you can do about it anymore. .o instead focus on
being great at what you en%oy. That# ultimately# is what you$ll be remembered for.
All the friends in the world couldn$t fill the void of my loneliness& they can$t promise you your
dreams or your happiness. 9our dreams and happiness are yours and yours alone to fulfil.
! had been obsessed with filling that bottomless void in myself. ! tried to fill it with love& Jordan
*ordyce and the many that came after her. ! tried to fill it with my dreams& acting. ! tried to fill it
with popularity by learning social techni<ues and tried to fill it with the satisfaction of having
money and spending it rapidly.
The truth is# we can$t depend on other things for our happiness or fulfilment. e can$t depend on
other people for an image or for our strength. The true strength that it ta"es to gain our happiness
comes from our inner selves.
9ou can never fool yourself into being happy even after all the money you could wish for has
bought all the things you desire. 9ou can never fool yourself when all the dreams you envisioned
have come true but you$ve reali+ed that life comes with it$s own set of more complicated problems.
9ou can never fool yourself for settling on a girl who is more than good for you# but not the one you
truly love because not love and not happiness can ever be fooled.
.o now that ! was all alone in the universe# it seemed li"e there was only one thing left for me to
do& to follow my dreams without holding onto the past or holding onto what could$ve been. ! felt my
destiny had once been written and ! was doomed to a life of perdition because ! couldn$t fulfil what
was written. 2ut now ! am a open boo" and ! can now write whatever destiny ! choose.
###
! thought that having the perfect woman# wealth in friends# and vast amounts of money would fill
the void of my inner dissatisfaction. !t didn$t.
! fought relentlessly to attain happiness and bliss& sometimes ! did attain it and it was perfect.
Everything felt right# in place# and in order# placing a sense of symmetry li"e no other. The problem
was that it only lasted for a moment. !$ve dedicated years of my life for one very specific state of
being. This silly little thing is everything to us& it$s what the world craves# desires# and wor"s
toward.
!t$s simple chemistry in the brain of every woman# man# and child. Every emotion and feeling
you have ever endured is a product of your body regulating its resources.
'ove is a mystery# love is divine# love is meant to be. (o& love is science. 'ove is %ust a chemical
reaction and it can be manipulated and used.
henever we$re sad or happy# angry or depressed# or even feeling strong affection toward
another# there is no cosmic or meaningful reason behind it. )ur feelings and choices are biology.
*ate# destiny# and the idea that things are meant to be are only rationali+ations to ma"e sense of
our shortcomings or luc". The world is random# the world is chaotic# the world is entropy.
! had a huge-arguement with an e,-girlfriend. G it was the only arguement ! ever had with her. G
!t started because ! felt li"e the universe had a plan and that us being together wasn$t random. .he
disagreed and it shoc"ed me that she didn$t thin" we were part of a bigger destiny together.
! used to believe in higher purposes and prophecy stemming mostly from vanity and the idea that
! actually matter in this huge# cold universe& that it "nows and gives a shit about who ! am. !t-s
pathetic# but ! also li"e to thin" it-s romantic that cosmic recognition would separate me from a
lump of coal.
Tragedy leads to inspiration: that$s what !$ve always believed. !t$s the tragedies and the problems
rippling from them that built me into the man ! am today. ithout tragedy ! would have never
obtained any form of success.
Tragedy# pain# sorrow: it lies in all of us# unpreventable and lingering. ithout a way to come to
terms with it# we$re all forced to bear it in our hearts. 3ow can we really cope0 3ow can ! cope
while "nowing the girl ! was committed and promised to for so many years is see"ing pleasure in
other men0 .he en%oys it& ! dread it4
3uman nature is a cruel thing. 3ow much of it is really natural though0 Endless numbers feel no
guilt in wishing the worst upon the world. They remain giving the best they have "nowing it$s not
good enough. They wor" toward being their best and only self to find no reward. ith in%ustice li"e
this# it$s no wonder they become so self-destructive. Their cries for help go ignored# so they
drastically ta"e measures out of spite from the violent and angry emotions# or the feelings of
disconnection and detachment from reality. hat$s usually left is a blac" hole void of happiness and
self-worth.
hy would ! wish to be part of a world so cold and cruel0 !s this all there is left to feel0
Thoughts of suicide sin" in and ma"e home to my thoughts as ! stare down the barrel of my gun.
They sit their waiting and e,pecting their presence to ta"e effect in this shuttered and dan" mind.
! could accept death# ! could give into these self-destructive feelings# ! could accept the false
satisfaction of ma"ing a rash decision and embrace the thoughts of their bro"en world. 2ut ! can
only let thoughts li"e these dance around in my head for so long.
!$ve been here before. !$ve been here more than once. A fraction of my pride# glory# ego# and self-
worth sift bac" into place& the strongest opponents to my minds current occupants.
!$ve been at roc" bottom before. ! "now that if ! pic" myself up and reinvent myself once more# !
will only find a demise here in this hole again. 'oo"ing bac" on myself# ! reali+e that every time !
have climbed out of the hole& ! reemerge stronger# more determined# and more successful than !$ve
ever been. 1erhaps this curse is my greatest blessing. ! am doomed to return to this hole until it
molds me into the best ! can be. Each and every time ma"ing further strides to success.
! embrace my feelings of pain# because without them ! wouldn$t strive to become something
more. ! wouldn$t strive to become my best self and win life$s greatest pri+e: the opportunity to give
the world my greatest and final valediction.
4 Entro$y 4
)ckno*ledge+ents
! would li"e to than" the following people:
Jordan *ordyce for giving me a time and place to begin my story. e may no longer "now each
other and may never will again# but than" you for being a great stepping stone and being a force in
my life that redefined me and my goals.
Jill 'arsen for being with me and staying loyal to me during our three years. ! "now ! was not an
easy person to live with# but you did your best and ! appreciate everything you did for me. 9ou
taught me to accept the flaws in myself and be confident in who ! am. Even after the hell and chaos
you put me through# ! forgive you.
1aige 'arsen for sharing my vision with me and even though we didn$t wor" out# you put your
friendship with me above all else. e e,perienced life and the world together# and ! wouldn$t trade
our e,periences for anything.
.ummer 2rown for re"indling and bringing my inspiration bac" to me# for supporting my wor"#
and reminding me what it was to feel the most heart warming e,periences life has to offer.
Meranda *rerichs for offering uni<ue intellect and sharing my opinions and views. ith you !
learned to deconstruct everyone else# recogni+e their flaws# their strengths# and reali+ed that
everyone was no more or less bro"en than me. All humans undergo the same emotional flaws and
you made me reali+e that among these flaws# ! had greater ones that only a larger individual could
hold.
Jessica .haw for recogni+ing and believing in my vision when no else did. e shared difficult
lives when growing up and have a genuine understanding for each other. 9ou$ve shown me that !$m
not alone in the %ourney to success and helped me find the confidence ! needed to "eep wor"ing
towards those dreams. Than" you for supporting me all the way through and showing me faith
when ! needed it the most.
'e,i /avie# Beronica (oering# .cott /onnan# 'u"e .illito# 2riana *orget# .hane .oni<# Marcus
.oosay# (icholas /ean# for your support and creating many great nights to write about during our
pub crawl era.
Ale, 5odass# :elena Jordan# .arah .omerville# (icole 6err# Vachary 5alph# /evon *indlay#
.hayla .elvidge# and Ashley 1fieffer for being good friends and creating lots of great e,periences
that will have to come in the second boo": Entropy# 2oo" !!: +h Ao* Aot Again.
Matt Graham# /rew .ummersides# Arlin Munro# Meg 2la"ely# Jacob 2ancroft# 6ayla ilding
for your encouragement. !t is greatly appreciated and you have my full encouragement in return.
My parents for teaching me values and despite my flaws# showing me love. ! blame you for
everything that is wrong with me# but ! also than" you for everything that is right.
My high school peers for discouraging me and ma"ing me feel alienated& because without you# !
would not have initially found the drive to fight for societal superiority. Though ! do understand that
in high school# it$s love and war.
(eil .trauss for being a role model to me. 9ou are truly a uni<ue man and an innovative writer.
9our wor" has caused me to find the best in myself because without your selfless desire to help the
less fortunate find ways to help themselves# ! may not have had the determination to wor" up to the
completion of this boo". Than" you for allowing me to use some of your discoveries and wor" in
my own and showing faith in me as a writer.
A"shay Gupta# for promoting Entropy in !ndia and helping me push to my deadlines. 9ou$ve
offered me great encouragement and sound advice. hen you arrive in :anada# you will have to
teach me all about circuit racing.
6aterina /eni"in for promoting Entropy in 5ussia# Albrecht Engel for promoting Entropy in
Germany# Beroni"a Baldhansova for promoting Entropy in the :+ech 5epublic# and (ic"las
Mc(aught for promoting Entropy in England.
Uuestions# praise# criticism0 9ou can send them to JGardinerEntropyWlive.ca
) Pre,ie* To -ntropy II

The Ste$ U$ 5 ,hroniles
Step Into The Corte<
My phone rang and ! answered.
;3i Jordan# this is 2ruce from 2:* :asting calling. Infortunately your boo"ing on
Tomorrowland has been canceled.;
;)h#; ! said disappointed. (o# !$m not losing the best boo"ing !$ve ever had# ! thought. ;!
understand. 'isten# ! "now .tep Ip > is shooting in Bancouver currently. ! have a history in the
dance community and follow the franchise. ! would love to be considered for the production if
possible.
;Ih# !$ll see what ! can do.;
Thirty minutes later ! pic"ed up my phone to hear a female voice# ;3i Jordan# hat$s your
avaliabilty for the ne,t wee". This is concerning a lot of wor" on feature film# .tep Ip >.;
;! have full avaliabilty4;
;)"ay# you$re boo"ed for .tep Ip >4;
;Than" you so much4 /id 2ruce have anything to do with this0;
;1ossibly#; she replied in a cute voice.
;Tell him ! say than" you4;
Traded Tomorrowland for .tep Ip >. ! was o"ay with that4
PPP
! arrived at my call-time for H:=?am at the 1acific (orthern E,ibit. Two-hundred bac"ground
performers congested into a large building on the grounds. :ranes and semi-truc"s of e<uipment
were unloading and building a massive set piece in the middle of an arena.
! approached my contact person# 'ori# at the sign in table. ;Jordan Gardiner for H:=?.; .he
handed me my paperwor" and legal documents. ! transitioned through the gear machine of
wardrobe# hair# and ma"e-up until ! loo"ed my best. After this# it was usually long hours in
holding until the set was ready to shoot.
My long time friend# 6evin 1aynter appeared une,pectedly.
;9ou got the call too0; 3e said.
;! did. e$re on .tep Ip > baby4;
;! don$t even "now what this is...! hate cattle castings.;
/uring five hours in holding# ! came to "now a girl named 2ethany Mc(ab. .he was a <uir"y
girl who blew me away with her professionalism. ! began spea"ing about Bancouver Acting
.chool and everything ! learned there. .he agreed on every bit of information ! had and further
touched on it in ways ! never thought of. .he had an unparalled "nowledge of our shared field.
The set was finished and the film e<uipment was in place to shoot.
The production$s director# Trish .ie# stood on a chair to address the two-hundred bac"ground
performers spea"ing into a microphone. ;elcome to .tep Ip >4;
;elcome to hell#; 6evin whispered in my ear with a sarcastic smir".
;This is the fifth installment of (orth America$s biggest dance franchise. Most people would
pay good money to see what you$ll be seeing today& instead we$re paying you. e have some of
the best dancers in the world performing in this film and we$re privledged to have them with us.
.o do the %ob we brought you in for and %ust en%oy the performances.;
Ever since ! had seen the trailer for the first .tep Ip film# ! had been in the midst of acheiving
my prime ability in brea"dance# and it became my dream to be in a .tep Ip film. ! had a feeling
that there would be a second# and never anticipated a third and fourth film in the coming years.
And after ! had let go of my dream and dancing career# somehow ! was in a .tep Ip film. Even
though it was merely bac"ground performing# ! made it into the franchise !$d always dreamed of.
1erhaps something really was out there helping me out.
The director instructed the two-hundred bac"ground performers to congest the stadium with a
bo,ing ring in the center. The bo,ing ring was the first round in a competion called The Borte,
which was set in 'as Begas.
A crew named /evine !ntervention first appeared in the bo,ing ring to perform. The dancing
was spectacular and ! happened to be in a position far bac" enough to see a screen that the
camera feed was sending. The camera pic"ed up the right angle and lighting effect to ma"e it
appear li"e an entirely breathless level of entertainment.
After the first couple hours of seeing the same dance crew perform the same dance several
do+en times# 6evin and ! decided to entertain ourselves. e got %ac"ed on uncountable cups of
coffee and started pitching random trailers to eachother in deep# raspy voices.
;)ne bac"ground performer finally had enough. hat happens when one man on little sleep#
has seen the same act over...and over again0 *ind out on $The .tep Ip > Masscre. :oming to a
theater near you4;
;)ne man gets trapped in a closet with a midget and can$t get out. 3e then learns the midget is
a vampire4 ill he escape0 $An"le 2iting Midgets$ coming this )ctober4;
A hot brunette nearby gave us the strangest loo" we$d ever seen. A $! thin" you$re retarded$
"ind of loo" and another bac"ground performer behind us started howling with laughter. 3e
thought our senseless humor was the funniest thing he ever heard and introduced himself as
.unny .harma.
After the %o"ing around# and playing Begas :lub Goers between ta"es# we finally wrapped the
scene and moved onto another dance crew. They were "nown as the Grim 6nights. The Grim
6nights play the antagonist in the film# and this is the biggest# most badass dance crew around.
!t$s going to ta"e the !'Mentri, and The Mob to compete against them.
hen the shooting started# ! didn$t have to fa"e my cheering and e,citement for the camera.
hat ! watched for my inspiration on a screen was now live.
The same process over: several do+en ta"es of the same performance. 2ut ! was pumped up
and loving every moment of the dance no matter how times they re-shot it.
hen the Grim 6nights completed their segment# bac"ground was called bac" to holding.
Trying to ma"e my way around the two-hundred actors# ! too" an alternate route and ended up
passing through an area ! wasn$t supposed to be in. ! thought ! was being smart by wal"ing
through the bac" hallways and rooms of the arena# but ! was wrong. .o as a way to avoid getting
into trouble# ! invented a contingency plan li"e ! usually did. ! acted li"e ! belonged and nobody
<uestioned me. ! wal"ed right past a short brunette who was probably more gorgeous than
anyone on the entire set and for some reason she loo"ed familar to me. ! continued wal"ing past
her and then it hit me. ! whipped body around for a second loo" and it was confirmed& she was
the lead female in .tep Ip J. ! smiled to myself and "ept wal"ing.
hen ! got bac" to holding# ! chugged bac" another coffee because ! was in an e,cited fren+y.
! met a lot of famous people but she was the most famous person !$d seen at that point. And she
was the se,iest b-girl ! "new of. The high of my lifestyle had hit a new level.
All the friends ! made and introduced to my circle and those who were introduced to me#
during my set-time became a<uaintted. .uddenly our holding table bacame the most popular in
the >? or so tables that were established. e were laughing with wild stories and stragglers from
other tables began to surround us.
! thought this would be the best time to mention who ! wal"ed by on my lone adventure
through the bac" halls.
;9ou$ll never guess who ! wal"ed by on the way bac" from set. ! decided to bypass the crowd
and accidently went into an area where all the main characters are. 2riana fuc"ing Evigan
wal"ed right by me.; ! said so proudly.
;)h# you didn$t "now she was here0 All the characters from the last .tep Ip films are here
and they$re going to be the ne,t dance crew in the scene.;
;)h...um# yeah. ! "now.; ! blurted out# suddenly feeling very silly.
)ther actors and actresses began stories about how they accidentally met very famous on set
by their own error.
$.o !$m not that special#$ ! pondered to myself. Then this shit happens all the time. $! can deal
with that. 2ring on the accidents4$
e started a card-game that was popular amongst Bancouver bac"ground performers called
Asshole. ! didn$t remember playing it since ! was in middle school. The game was still fun and
brought bac" good memories# without the mention of the new spin that bac"ground performers
had on it. e "ept laughing at the results of each game.
e were again called bac" to set being introduced to a crew called !'Mentri,. !t had every
most important character from all the crews in the past four films. !'Mentri, was clearly the
protaganist crew in the film. The crew the audiences were designed to love.
! was eye-fuc"ing the hell out of 2riana Evigan and she aw"wardly caught my glance and
smiled at me. ! turned my head away <uic"ly to not seem obvious. 2ut she "new and ! "new that
she "new.
.he caught me about three more times bewteen ta"es chec"ing her out. !$m so not good at this#
! thought. ! need to learn to be more subtle.
The camera started rolling and they threw on a mind-blowing performance using all "inds of
water# chal"# and smo"e effects.
! was probably most e,cited to see :hadd .mith on set# also "nown as Madd :hadd and the
robot guy. 3e too" that iconic# cheesy# robot arm swing and turned it into a new genre. 3e made
it into his lifestyle until he could move his entire body in the most subtle# partial movements. .!t
became his second nature.
)n set# we generally had a select group called specifics. These specifics played uniform roles
in film and television. They were generally the police officers# security guards# military soldiers#
doctors# and paramedics in productions. Anything that re<uired more than civilian clothing was
li"ely a specific.
The specifics of the shoot were for body builders and old-fashioned reporters with enormous#
single-flash cameras.
)ne of the specifics on set was my friend# John 'epas"i. e called him JJ. JJ and ! connected
very well and we became great friends on set. Along with 2ethany# 6evin# .unny# .chiva# and
Aurora.
.chiva and ! met through a gentleman named Artin. ! met Artin on my first day on set in
Bancouver.
Aurora# ! met on a previous production called ;*airly )dd .ummer.; A M) from
(ic"elodeon. ! was captivated by her European-*rench accent and as"ed her to teach me her
language.
The film and television industry brought me the greatest community of friends# and ! wouldn$t
trade them for anything.
/uring shooting# whenever the actors had dialogue# we bac"ground performers had to mime
the clapping and cheering. e acted energetic and cheerful# but couldn$t ma"e any noise. This
was the only way the dialogue can be heard and then samples of our audio are added after. This
was common for dancing and club scenes. They would play a sample of the music and cut it
before they started rolling the camera# and we had to continue dancing to the tempo in silence.
The day ended after fourteen hours on set# and we left home for another early call-time. The
ne,t day would be another fourteen hours and ! had to move into a new house that night. ! drifted
into a three-hour somber and started the day over again.
3air# ma"e-up# wardrobe# three more cups of coffee and bac" to filming. The day didn$t start
off too bad. The crew would shoot a scene and commonly announce a $lense change$ which was
another word for twenty-minute brea". ! was doing some brea"dancing of my own to "eep my
blood pumping between scenes. And as usual# it caught attention. The brunette who gave me the
weird loo" for my epic trailers called for me. .he was sitting beside .chiva. ! loo"ed at the
un"nown brunette and slowly wal"ed over with my shoulders held high.
;9es0;
;hat$s your name0;
;Jordan. 9ours0;
;!sabel.
here$d you learn how to do that0;
;A little video-blogging website "nown as 9ouTube.;
;That$s ama+ing.;
;Than" you.;
The director called us bac" to shoot.
'ater into the evening# ! could finally say that ! fell asleep standing up for the first time. My
body started stealing micro-naps and my brain would send a %olt through my body to wa"e me up
again. .unny as"ed what was with me. ! e,plained that ! "ept falling asleep. 3e was in awe that !
could do it standing up. Uuite fran"ly# ! was in awe that ! could do it too.
The ne,t brea" we had# ! ran to craft services to chug bac" two more coffees. My sleep
deprivation stabli+ed and ! was able to "eep myself awa"e a bit longer.
2ethany found herself beside me and she was nearly as sleep deprived as me. e got to the
point that we acted high as "ites but were in fact sober. e thought everything was funny and
started vocali+ing weird noises. e fuc"ed with shots where she would stand directly behind me
and throw her hair over my shoulders. !t would appear to the camera that ! had bi+arely abnormal
hair.
*or the last scene# !sabella Mi"o came onto stage playing Ale,a who is a famous# fictional BJ
who dressed in these outrageous and e,traordinary fashion peices. Everyone came out to her
events %ust to see what she would be wearing ne,t.
Isabella &i"o playing her role as Ale<a on Step Bp O
That was it4 e were wrapped and were sent bac" to holding. ! located where many of the
lead dancers were hanging out and %oined conversation with them. ! tal"ed to 2riana Evigan#
Adam .evani# 5yan Gu+man# :hadd .mith# :hris .cott# and Martin and *acundo 'ombard.
! felt li"e ! was on :loud (ine. ! was apart of the franchise ! so dearly loo"ed up to. (ow !
was tal"ing to and hanging out with the people ! only dreamed of meeting and being li"e. And it
made me humani+e them. The 3ollywood world suddenly felt normal to me.
riana Evigan and myself on set. ags under both our eyes.
!t was interesting when ! discovered who 5yan Gu+man was. ! wal"ed up to him thin"ing he
was %ust one of the supporting dancers. e carried casual conversation until ! as"ed him my first
<uestion.
;3ow long have you been dancing0 !$m wondering how much training it ta"es to get to your
level#; ! e,plained.
;!$ve been doing it for about two years. ! only learned dance for .tep Ip 5evolution. And now
!$m doing it again.;
;9ou were in the last film0;
;9eah# ! was the lead.;
;)h4 That was you04;
;9eah#; he laughed.
;Guess ! need to grab a picture with you.;
3e too" a picture with me. 3e told me to prepare for the upcoming shoot dates because they
were going to be even harder. 3e was right.
!n the coming days# .tep Ip > would bring bigger game and was truly saving the best for last.
2ut that would prove to be at my and DEE other performers e,penses.
.tep Ip > was about to create some controversy in the Bancouver *ilm !ndustry.
Dyan Gu.man and myself on set.
! thought this was the perfect premise for the final entry in the franchise. They pull from the
stories of the previous four .tep Ip films and connect all the stories in one way or another in the
fifth installment.
Andie# L2riana EviganM returns as the female lead# and .ean# L5yan Gu+manM returns as the
male lead. They are the romantic interest in the film. The protaganist dance crew from .tep Ip
=/ returns again as the protaganist# e,cept with the addition of Andie# .ean# and we can$t forget
Moose.
:hanning Tatum even returns for a cameo scene with 2riana Evigan.
The Mob from .tep Ip C also returns competing against their longtime friend .ean. *eet are
stepped on and things are less than friendly.
2ut as The Borte, competition progresses# !'Mentri, and The Mob %oin crews to face up to
the Grim 6nights& who seem to be winning every round of The Borte, competition.
PPP
A wee" passed and ! got called for more wor" on the production. The ne,t shooting location
was at the )rpheum Theatre on Granville .treet. !nside# the locations manager used a red interior
lighting and placed a stage in the center hall. The center hall had three floors and would ma"e an
incredible Begas-style club scene. The production was to be set in 'as Begas afterall.
! was forunate to live only one bloc" away from the main production site. The main
production site and the shooting location were sometimes two very separate places. !n these
separate locations# many performers are loaded onto shuttles that transport you to the shooting
location in which we create a secondary holding area.
After going through what ! called $The Gear Machine$ we are pampered.
The director stood in the middle of the stage to ma"e an announcement.
;Today we are filming the second round of the competition. e will be watching nine crews
give it their all. And the better you react to our crews# the better it sounds and loo"s on camera.
.o if you want to see them ma"e the final cut# help them out and cheer your hearts out4;
e cheered and one crew was most popular among us. An asian crew that danced to
;:entipede; by 6nife 1arty. They added a silly premise for their dance and built upon a epic
dubstep foundation. They were definitely a crowd favorite and ! hope they ma"e the final cut.
!n the middle of filming a girl behind me lost consciousness and fell over. .he was holding a
martini glass and pivoted before collasping. .he smac"ed onto the stone staircase# crac"ed her
head on the edge of a stair# and crushed bro"en martini-glass shards into her chest. (obody
reacted and let her lay on the floor unconscious. The on-site first-aid attended the girl
immediately and transported her to the hospital.
My fellow colleagues discussed what could have caused the incident. Most assumed the
intensely bright# flashing lights. 2ut ! thin" it was the dehydration of a hangover.
A confined room with so many high-beam lights generate a lot of heat and the room was
e,tremely hot. Anyone with a moderate hangover would$ve passed out.
The Grim 6nights arrived on the stage and "illed it better than any other crew. The Grim
6nights had female twins that were both badass and inspiring. They too" the beginning of the
performance as a duo on stage. Moments later# the rest of the Grim 6nights burst out onto the
stage. A s"inny African-American too" the center stage and would pop his arms out of their
soc"ets# dancing and twisting his arms in impossible ways.
JJ mentioned to me how the African-American resembled i+ 6alifa. .o what did we do0 e
started chanting# ;i+4 i+4 i+4; More and more Begas :lub-Goers %oined in chatting the
name i+.
;hat have ! done0; ! stammered.
;hat have we done0; JJ corrected me. ;'oo" at what we started.;
;e should probably behave#; ! laughed.
The damage was done. e coined the guy# and his name was i+ for the rest of the day.
2eing on big productions# ! always imagined that every element of the scene was perfectly
planned to a dime. 2ut that wasn$t the case. 1eople do react in the moment and the production
uses the best ta"e# perfect or not.
Each day of filming cost around thousands upon tens of thousands of dollars. A two hour film
re<uires about si,ty hours of footage from multiple cameras and all that had to be cut to a bare
minimum.
An actor may get lots of screen-time but ma"ing the final cut of the editing stage is a
completely different story.
*or many more days# we continued the same shooting process.
!'Mentri, was the final crew and they performed a synchroni+ed dance. 2ut after# the
actorsRdancers were given free range to do whatever they wanted. Their freestyle was better than
their planned performances. ! wondered how many of the previous .tep Ip dances had been in-
the-moment freestyle.
hat should a true nightclub be0 ! always wondered that thin"ing that all the venues !
e,perienced in :anada and even Me,ico didn$t <uite satisfy my nightclub bliss. ! wanted to
e,perience world-renowned parties that they showed in movies. ! found my first one# but it
wasn$t real# it was in a film portrayal of what a club should be.
! wondered why the most ama+ing club and party atmospheres had to be fa"ed in film.
The director directed two-hundred movie e,tras to fill three floors of lights shows and faces
moving their bodies with seduction and valance.
The .uper-.corpio :rane camera panned up to the third floor of the club stopping a mere foot
away from my face as ! danced. !t scanned the club li"e a .ci-*y security droid that would
destroy any movie e,tra if they weren$t doing their %ob. ! stood from the third floor# dancing and
waving my arms off the stone ridge. The camera panned three floors of two-hundred people
dancing in unison sharing the same momentum. ! loo"ed down from my floor and it loo"ed li"e
the most ama+ing and surreal visual ! had ever seen.
All my nights of drin"ing in nightclubs hadn$t been as fun as me being sober to only pretend
to be in an epic nightclub.
After a segment of crowd reactions# they moved our postions every hour or so. JJ and ! were
on the bottom floor in front of the stage. Moose LAdam .evaniM loo"ed bored on stage and
decided to wal" over and sha"e mine and JJ$s hand. ! complimented the fact he was the only
person to return for every single .tep Ip film. 3e merely loo"ed at me and wal"ed away li"e he
was too good to tal" to me.
e spent the rest of the day filming crowd reactions. !t was all about getting close-ups of us
in the bac"ground. 2efore we wrapped the day# we got some final shots of the other dance crews
reacting to the other crews winning or losing. They selected e,tras wearing shades of red and !
was wearing a red dress shirt. !t was a good contrast to the blue colors !'Mentri, had. The
camera peered over me for serveral ta"es while getting the protrangist dance crew$s reaction to
learning that they$re progressing to the ne,t round. ! turn around and Moose loo"s at me while
gesturing me to call him. !s Moose gay or %ust choosing me as an eyeline0 ! hope they put that in
the final cut anyway.
e wrapped up the shooting at The )rpheum theatre and ! was again called bac" to wor" at
The Iniversity of 2ritish :olumbia for the last and final scene. !t was a four day shoot.
e would be filming the final dance se<uence in the entire film and these were the last
shooting dates for the film all together.
! started hanging out with Aurora# my *rench# blonde# language-teacher. .he had been
catching lots of screen-time and was wearing a pin" bi"ini# grey over-shirt# and tight %eans.
.he$d only reply to me in *rench# ma"ing me loo" up each word$s translation to English. !
would reply in *rench to her. And only then would to tal" to me...also in her own langauge.
Aurora was either subborn or smart...because she "new ! wanted to communicate with her.
.he "new ! would put more effort into learning *rench to get to "now her.
After being processed for set# we arrived at the new shooting location at I2:. The shooting
location was dec"ed out to be a neon lit# three floor arena. And what would be witnessed has
never been done before in the history of dance. .tep Ip > in my opinion# is the film in the series
to give the franchise its rebirth. ! understand that people critici+e films with great endeavor# but
being involved with a film that represented everything ! used to love# getting to "now its cast#
being on location# being inspired by performances that only we will be able to witness# ! became
attached to it.
! reali+ed that my love for dance and my heroes may endure me a superficial opinion of the
film.
3owever much ! felt# the final dance segment too" four days to shoot and that was for roughly
ten minutes of footage. The brutal hours of being up at the brea" of dawn# wor"ing for roughly
fourteen hour shifts each day# and spending hours upon hours on standby# it wore on us and !
couldn$t imagine it for the dancers.
This new set at I2: was so intricately designed that the production crew built an entire
fourth floor to the arena that wasn$t there before. This forth floor held several hundred high-beam
lights# a storage tan" of sand# a pipe that ignited thousands of spar"s to rain down onto the set.
)n the floor they built a mini-platform with flamethrower %ets. And even a do+en chandliers that
The Grim 6nights would be hanging off of as they lowered them onto the dance floor for three
floors.
e shot the Grim 6nights scene first and they had safety wires harnessed to their gladiator
costumes. All of them were fitted with gold plated armour and red capes. They must$ve shot
twenty ta"es forcing the dancers to hang onto the giant chandleirs at a time.
;ait# we$re having a technical difficulty4; The director announced. A girl in the Grim
6nights loo"ed li"e she was struggling to hold on and not fall. .he was dangling only a couple
feet from my balcony position.
;3ow$s it going up there0; ! as"ed.
;)h it$s good. Just another day on set# you "now0;
;! "now. ! admire what you$re doing up here. !f you swing yourself in this direction a little bit#
! could totally save you.;
;)h# !$m good. This is an everday wor"-out#; she laughed and started doing chin-ups on the
chandler.
;Araggghh4 A Grim 6night screamed as he fell two feet and started dangling from his wire.
;)"ay# reset4; The director yelled. They lowered the chandlers# let the dancers regrip
themselves on it# and hoisted them into the air once more.
The music cued and we cheered our hearts out as the Grim 6nights declined onto the dance
floor and e,ploded into their dance. They were throwing down moves and swinging off the
chandlers flying all over the place.
After wrapping The Grim 6nights# we went for lunch and 6yle introduced to me a model
from set. -- 6yle graduated from Bancouver Acting .chool with me. -- This model named
Ale,andria had stories that would ma"e anyone cringe.
The worst ! will share with you.
)ne day she and her friend traveled to Me,ico for a vacation. hat do teenagers do in
Me,ico0 Get drun" and get cra+y4 Ale,andria$s friend met a man in a club and they were getting
more than intimate. The man tried to get Ale,andria$s friend to come home with him but refused.
After the wee" was over# they traveled bac" to :anada and her friend bro"e out in a massive
festering rash around her mouth. .he chec"ed into the hospital and was later greeted by three
police officers. The officers began as"ing <uestions agressively. ;Tell us everything you did from
the moment you got on the plane to the moment you got bac".; The girl ended up giving
information that led to the arrest of the man she met in the club. !t turned out the man have
nearly a do+en dead bodies of women in his home. The festering rash she had was something
that you could only get from necrophilia. 'uc"ily for her...it was curable. 9ou may also want to
avoid dating someone who wor"s in a hospital morgue. .ink
hile on the topic# ! decided to thoroughly ma"e everyone cringe as well...or so thought. !
made everyone laugh hysterically e,cept for 6yle. 6yle was trying to hold bac" his gag refle,
for several minutes and nearly pu"ed.
! read out the definition of ;melching#; feartured on The Irban /ictionary.
:lic" the lin" if you dare: http:RRwww.urbandictionary.comRdefine.php0termSMelch
As Ale,andria continued sharing her stories# she went on to tell us about Marco# one of the
Grim 6nights# who got her phone number. 2arely into the conversation he te,ted her saying that
he was staying at the .andman 3otel on /avie .treet. Marco proceeded to message Ale,andria
fifteen times per day and she chose not respond to him# then he found her official *aceboo"
model page. 3e wasn$t the only one doing it either. Moose was giving out his number to several
bac"ground girls. ! was told that James *ranco slept with roughly ten e,tras during his wor" on
The !nterview which was being filmed in Bancouver for a while. ! was also informed that a girl
on .tep Ip > was bragging about sleeping with three of the dancers during the course of a wee".
!t seemed that it was common practise for stars on movie sets.
JJ and ! got pictures with most of the main actors on the production and were only missing
one. Moose. e wal"ed around set doing what we called Moose hunting. This activity only
proved to us that Moose was "ind of a dic"4
henever my friends as"ed him for photos# he chose not to respond and blindly "ept
wal"ing. After as"ing# he would give me and JJ a dirty loo" whenever we made eye-contact. 3e
%ust loo"ed hostile. Maybe those girls weren$t calling him bac".
)ver the ne,t few days we shot the !'Mentri, scenes which was now merged with The Mob.
!t began with Adam .evani wal"ing out onto the arena floor with a small brown case. 3e sets
it on the ground and opens it up. A bright light shines from the case and out comes an entire
person. They do a contemporary peice together. That$s what it will loo" li"e for audiences
anyway. .ome camera wor" made it appear what it is.
/ancers start flying onto the dance floor on +iplines until suddenly the entire dance crew is on
the floor.
The photo is a snapshot of the camera feed displaying on an 3/TB set.
2riana Evigan %umps onto the platform and the atmoshpere changes from a melancholy blue
to a fiery red. .he$s holding a staff with the end ignited on fire and moves it seductively. There$s
a moment where she starts petting her crotch while her two side"ic"s somehow ma"e twer"ing
appear devine.
The flamethrowers ignite bursting fireballs into the air and spar"s start to rain onto the arena.
This is the most epic show ! have ever witnessed. .uddenly all the dancers disperse and the
platform opens up revealing a sandpit. A stream of sand pours into the sandpit li"e we$re now
inside an hour glass. .everal %ittery hands rise from the sand ma"ing <uic"# precise movements.
Arms reach out the sand and four dancers rise from the dusty abyss wearing dec"ed out goggles
and breathing mas"s.
The sand segment of the scene was the hardest to film. 2efore each ta"e# the dancers were
buried in buc"ets of sand by production assistants and director was frantic and shooting the
scene as <uic"ly as possible. The dancers were holding their breath under the sand and had to
continue holding their breath until they heard their musical cue.
After shooting each ta"e# the dancers needed rougly twenty minutes to recouver. 1roduction
assistants had to run and guide them off the set as soon the director yelled cut. ! watched one of
the choreographers# :hris .cott# wobble over to the garbage can and pu"e in it. The other
dancers had to sit down and loo"ed li"e they were on the verge of passing out.
The problem was not the sand# but the fact that the production crew used a chemcial called
vermiculite to substitute it. Bermiculite was apparently lighter and loo"ed more shiny on camera.
Bermiculite is a flame retardant which coats your lungs and is har+ardous when disturbed. ith
the cast dancing in it# throwing it around# and "ic"ing it into the air# it was sure as hell disturbed.
The verimiculite filled the room the it was difficult to see the other side of the arena. The
vermiculite dust was so thic" that it appeared as thic" as fog.
/uring the brea"# a production assistant was pissed off at the crew. ! overheard and decided to
investigate and ac<uire information. !t turned out that there was a private safety meeting between
the production crew about the substance The entire crew was advised to wear dust mas"s and the
fact that the three-hundred bac"ground performers were left in the dar".
3ere is where the controversy began.
The bac"ground performers noticed the crew wearing dust mas"s and that they were not.
Eventually do+ens reported having shortness of breath. Then came the urge to blow their nose
while many of us were finding blac" snot in our tissues. Almost one third of us started to cough
uncontrollably. .ome to the point of pu"ing. ! actually went home that night and couldn$t control
my coughing and eventually discharged my stomach into the toilet. Two people reported having
asthma attac"s. The vermiculite flooded the ventalition system and eveloped the entire building.
2ac"ground performers were running out of the arena to escape the substance to find the e,terior
rooms misty with it.
Everyone was tal"ing about it and some were ta"ing pictures even though we weren$t allowed
to on set as per the non-disclosure agreements we all had to sign to be on the production. I2:1
and A:T5A were definitely going to be interested in the events that night.
I2:1 and A:T5A are the actor$s unions for film and television.
My friend 6evin# and many others completely dodged the set and hid from the shooting
location and holding tent. They didn$t want to e,pose there health to something so volitile for the
sa"e of bac"ground rates and screen time.
! stuc" it out and thought everyone was overreacting. The scene was AE.)ME4 2ut ! did
pu"e...and ! felt sic" for a while as soon the production ended.
! truly feel sorry for the dancers that were burried in it. (o wonder they could barely wal"
after each soon and had to ta"e long breathers as well as :hris pu"ing in a garbage can.
.ometimes professionalism is thrown out the window to save a <uic" buc". Actually a lot of
the time...but it was une,pected from a ma%or producton.
This is my personal message to .ummit Entertainment. ! hope my health was worth ma"ing
your scene loo" damn good. And ! e,pect some notable screen time.
! caught word of something called the Miller Group# it was a selected group that had the
opportunity to run onto the dance floor in the final scene and dance with the leads. ! was not
selected to be in that group. .o ! decided to become a part of it despite that. ! stormed onto the
set and found Eddie. ;Eddie4; ! called out. 3e came over. ;!$m a s"illed brea"dancer and have
always followed the franchise. May ! be in the Miller group0; 3e loo"ed at me li"e ! was
retarded.
.chiva came out of nowhere and said to Eddie# ;3e needs to be in the Miller group# ! seen
him brea"dance and he$s on par with the leads. 9ou$d be ma"ing a mista"e if you didn$t put him
in the spotlight.;
;)"ay# you$re in#; Eddie told me.
;Than" you4; ! said appreciatively.
;.ee# ! got your bac"#; .chiva said as she high-fived me about ten times consecutively&
missing half them and nearly smac"ing me in the face.
! met .chiva on day one of filming and she had been growing on me. ! had a do+en girls !
wanted to as" out on set# but .chiva was winning my choice with every interaction.
.chiva...of all ways to as" you out. !$m as"ing you out. 9ou have my number# te,t me. :offee
dates lol...9ou "now whats up4
Anyway# the Miller group...we shot the final dance scene were everyone from the crowd is
pouring onto the dance floor. ! was placed at :hadd .mith$s starting location and out of the ta"es
! had to %ump over the railing to dance with the leads in the ending credits.
2efore ! %umped he told me a tale of when a racoon %umped on his head. That was an epic
story man4A raccoon %umped on your head...they carry rabies4 9ou$ never told me the end of that
story4 1lease tell me how it ended# !$l leave my email below.
! %umped out as the Miller group and went ballistic. ! was dancing with the lead
actorsRdancers. ! wal"ed to the front of the camera and twirled some girls around# patted the
leads on the bac". !t was an ama+ing scene and ! felt in the moment.
4 Entro$y %% 4
*eaturing accounts on getting mugged an abnormal number of times in Bancouver# being
drugged with your friends and wa"ing in the hospital with no recollection of how you got
there# how to tric" blonde 5ussians into thin"ing you$re a millionaire# a camping trip that
gives $'ord of The *lies$ a whole new meaning# a complete guide to the film industry with
personal advice from celebrities# a series of unbelievable and wild accounts from multiple
sets of ma%or films# what it$s li"e to live with a former playboy bunny# an alien encounter or
something that seemed authentic enough to be one.