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Arguing is a normal part of any relationship; in fact, arguing is healthy and can help you
clarify any problems you may have with your partner. The key is learning how to argue
constructively and effectively. On the other hand, fighting continuously and letting your
emotions take over will put your relationship at risk.
At the end of this video Ill show you an amazing way to reignite the emotional
connection with your partner. Ive had many satisfactory testimonials from couples who
brought back the spark in their relationship after this simple exercise.
HOW TO HAVE EFFECIVE AND SUCCESSFUL ARGUMENTS

There are two crucial factors to help you avoid bitter arguments:
First, you need to Learn how to argue constructively
Second, you need to Focus On Reaching a Compromise
All couples argue, but this is a normal part of any relationship. However, there is a BIG
difference between a constructive argument, and a nasty fight.
Constructive arguments help to clarify each others needs and strengthens the
relationship. Nasty fights build resentments, put your relationship at risk and both you
and your partner ultimately lose!
Let me ask you. What have you gained from a heated argument? Nothing! This only
worsens your relationship. Each time you start an argument, your goal should be to
reach a fair and mutually beneficial outcome for both.

Many times the difference between a happy couple and an unhappy couple is due to
how they argue.
Do your arguments end up on a better communication and greater intimacy? Or;
Do they end up in bitterness and frustration?
Do you tend to argue frequently about the same issues?
Do you usually have heated arguments without ever resolving the underlying
problem?
Here is an important tip:

Try to identify the underlying issue. In other words, whats the real problem behind the
argument? This will allow you to communicate more directly and have a more positive
outcome. For instance:
Arguments about money are rarely about money; theyre usually about power
Arguments about kids are usually arguments about control
When you argue about chores, you are often more concerned about fairness
Sexual arguments are usually about intimacy; and
Arguments about jealousy and fidelity are usually about maturity

Before learning how to argue constructively, here are some things you should avoid.

11 THINGS TO AVOID DURING AN ARGUMENT


1. DO NOT YELL OR SCREAM
Try to stay calm during the dispute. Take a deep breath and return to your normal
speaking voice.

2. DO NOT EXAGGERATE
Just state accurately whatever bothers you or what you want.

3. DO NOT INTERRUPT
Let your partner finish his or her point before you respond.

4. DO NOT OVER-GENERALIZE
Avoid words like you always or you never

5. DO NOT BLAME YOUR PARTNER
This implies that youre not at fault and that youre only the victim.

6. DO NOT CROSS COMPLAIN
When your partner complains about something, do not say; how about all the times you
did so and so

7. DO NOT BRING UP SUPERIOR ROLES
Such as: I make more money, you have more friends, or I do more around the
house. This implies that there is no need for equality in your relationship.

8. DO NOT GIVE ADVICE
Do not tell your partner how to act, feel or think

9. DO NOT USE NEGATIVE TERMS
Such as: immature, alcoholic, philanderer, etc. This suggests that your partner has built-
in defects, instead of focusing on desired behaviors

10. NEVER FIGHT WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY
Its difficult to think clearly when youre angry. Wait until you calm down and agree to
resume the discussion at some later time.

11. NEVER FIGHT WHEN YOU'RE TIRED
When you're tired, you're not going to give this your best effort or put things in
perspective.

HOW TO ARGUE CONSTRUCTIVELY

Arguing is about clarifying and understanding your different points of view, not about
getting even or hurting your partner. Your goal as a couple is to have a positive and
mutually beneficial outcome. This in turn will strengthen your relationship.

Here are some important guidelines to remember during an argument:

MAKE ENOUGH TIME FOR THE ARGUMENT - You need to sit down and
clearly talk about your problems or disagreements

FOCUS ON ONE ISSUE AT THE TIME - Try to deal with only one issue and
agree that you'll deal with other issues later.

USE WORDS THAT DESCRIBE YOUR FEELINGS - When you or your mate is
talking about a problem use words like: I feel, I believe, or I want and avoid
words like: You did, You said, or You are.

LISTEN TO YOUR MATES POINT OF VIEW - Focus on what your mate is really
saying and how the problem affects him or her.

ALLOW FOR TIME OFF - You might start your argument calmly, but if one of you
starts getting angry take a cooling-off period. Remember; think of it as a
discussion NOT an argument

DECIDE WHETHER YOU SHOULD REALLY BE ARGUING OVER THIS - Are
you arguing about trivial issues that turned into big blow-outs? If thats the case,
just let it go. There are more important things to worry about in life.

HOW TO REACH A COMPROMISE

In order to reach a successful compromise, you must consider the needs, wants, and
happiness of your mate. That means being willing to give and take, including making
some sacrifices.

Here is a practical guide to a successful compromise:

EXPRESS YOUR NEEDS AND WANTS - Use statements such as I feel, I believe, or
I want, to express what you need and want in your relationship. Speak for yourself and
dont make demands.

LISTEN TO YOUR PARTNER - Now is your turn to give your partner a chance to
respond. Listen carefully to what your partner is saying and try to put yourself in his or
her shoes. Think about how your partner would be affected if he, or she just gave in to
your needs or wants. Once he or she finishes, you should repeat what you heard to
make sure you understood what he or she said.

CONSIDER OTHER OPTIONS - Work together as a team and come up with other
options as individuals and a couple. You may discover a better alternative neither one of
you thought of before.

BE FAIR IN YOUR DECISIONS - You cant both have it your way. So, its very
important to consider the fairness of each decision. Both of you need to give up
something in order to reach a satisfactory result. You dont always have to meet in the
middle. One of you can sacrifice something he or she wants while the other gives up
something else.

CREATE A WIN WIN SITUATION - A successful compromise not only avoids conflicts
but also creates a win win situation for you and your partner.
Try to see both sides of the issue. Make an effort to understand each others
needs, thoughts, feelings, and concerns
During the negotiation, look for common ground and common goals
Do some "brainstorming" together, as well as a list of "pros vs. cons"
NOTE: If a particular issue cant be solved and continues to have a negative impact on
your marriage, then you should seek professional help. Also, some problems such as
adultery, addiction and abuse (verbal or physical) are not open to compromise and
usually need professional help.
When you avoid nasty and heated arguments, your relationship becomes
happier, more stable and meaningful
Imagine being able to have positive and respectful discussions with your mate,
and be able to reach a mutually beneficial result
What your relationship will be like when you no longer are afraid of confrontations
with your partner?
What can be more important than saving your relationship?

HERE IS AN EXCELLENT EXERCISE TO REIGNITE AN EMOTIONAL BOND WITH
YOUR MATE

After you followed the previous recommendations, and at the end of your next
argument, try this with your spouse:
Face each other, hold hands and look into each others eyes.
Go back to the day when you got married and repeat the marriage vows:
I; say your name; take you; say your wifes name; to be my lawfully
wedded(husband or wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better,
for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.
Remember the emotions and the love you felt for your spouse at that moment.
Remember the commitment and willingness to spend the rest of your life with this
person because he or she was the best thing that happened to you.
Well; if you loved this person that much then and you were so committed to always be
there for him or her, if the feeling is mutual, you can renew that love and commitment
until death do you part.
A research by the Journal of Marriage and Family found that if one or both spouses
withdraw from conflict, they have a greater likelihood of divorce. On the other hand,
successful couples were those who argued constructively.

Wishing you the best in your relationship,

Marco Duarte