BOOK PROPOSAL

UNLOCKING
PARENTAL INTELLIGENCE
Finding Meaning in Your Childs Behavior


Laurie Hollman, Ph.D.



WITH A SELECTION OF STORIES ABOUT
MOTHERS AND FATHERS WHO DISCOVER THEY HAVE
CAPABLE, THINKING, LOVING CHILDREN

1 Wawapek Road
Cold Spring Harbor, NY 11724
Dr.lauriehollman@gmail.com
631-692-9120
Lauriehollmanphd.com
Lauriehollmanphd.com/blog-parental-intelligence
OVERVIEW
On an episode of the famous TV show House, the first female medical director of a
large teaching hospital bemoans the fact that she doesnt know how to be a parent. She says that
she thinks other women must have a parenting handbook encrypted into their brain and she
missed out. She had the intelligence to graduate first in her class and to be the only and youngest
woman medical director, but she feels she doesnt have parental intelligence. This episode and its
many sequels on this theme were popular because her feelings have a universal quality. Millions
of parents feel the same!
What do some parents know and others need to learn? This comprehensive book takes the
reader on a journey following a five-step approach to parental intelligence that demonstrates how
to find and decipher the meaning behind human behavior, which will eventually lead to more
successful problem solving strategies. The book describes what goes on in the parent's mind
through self-reflection into their past to understand present reactions to their child. This is
necessary for them to discover what goes on in their child's mind that lies behind their words and
behaviors.
This in turn leads to a satisfying parent-child relationship where misbehaviors make sense
because the real underlying problems are revealed and solved. Accounts of parents using the five
steps demonstrate effective parenting and the struggles families have to overcome as their
children yearn to be themselves and let their parents know them. The chapters offer well-
developed, highly sensitive, short stories about vibrant, dynamic family members who live
compassionate and resilient lives. The main character in many of the eight stories is the forgotten
parentfatherswho successfully gain parental intelligence and deepen relationships with their
children
With each compelling story watch and learn how and why courageous parents gain
parental intelligence and the impact they have on their children and their behavior. Each family
portrait reveals that as parents understand themselves they can understand their children as they
grow and change together.
By the end of the book, if not before, parenting feels more pleasurable, inspiring, and
gratifying. Children of these parents are grateful, appealing, and loving.
After thirty years as a psychoanalyst and psychotherapist being on the front lines with
children and their parents, I knew that I had to explain what I had been doing all these years to
help parents raise their children with so much joy. Children with a wide range of behavioral
issues such as multiple hour-long temper tantrums a day, abrasive oppositional behavior or just
confusion and general misbehaviors became peaceful and loving children openly communicating
with parents who could not only love them, but like them, too. Discovering the meaning behind
their behavior helped children with mild behavior issues such as avoiding homework as well as
children with severe psychological problems such as depression. I myself raised two outstanding,
warm, empathic and industrious, loving children into successful men with the five-step approach.
If I could help the parents in my practice master my parenting approach, the five steps behind
parental intelligence, then I should also share it with the general parent population. Id connected
with thousands of parents through my practice, seminars, articles in professional international
journals and popular parenting magazines and my blog, as well as, online websites, newsletters
and articles to family and matrimonial lawyers, pediatricians, obstetricians, educators, internists,
social workers, psychologists and psychiatrists. But I hadnt written it all down in one place.
Now I have.
The book is both didactic and heartwarming, part parenting journey, part survival kit,
turning struggles over misbehavior into deep understanding of what children are going through
and how parents can help them move forward in this thing called growing up. Infancy,
childhood, and adolescence are all addressed. Parental Intelligence requires emotional work that
bears the fruit of strong parent-child bonds and lasting maturity for parents and children. The five
steps to parental intelligence are a successful tool for parents with typical children as well as
parents with special-needs children. This approach crosses all lines of economic or social class
and education. It is rewarding and long lasting as it is passed through generations.
In addition, all the while Dr. Hollman is creating in-depth portraits of parents and
children, she is informing the reader with up-to-date research. She illustrates, for example, how
stress is transmitted from the intrauterine environment to the infant; how babies bodies mime
adult language; how children with Asperger Syndrome communicate; how parents decide
whether to choose what she calls the new wave of scheduled socialization for elementary
school age children; and she discusses the impact of social media on both the adolescent-parent
divide and what she coins the new adolescent autonomy. In addition, she writes about the most
current research on the impact of fathers involvement on their children asking the question,
Does Gender Matter? as she writes about The Five Steps to Parental Intelligence.



ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Laurie Hollman, Ph.D. is a psychoanalyst with specialized clinical training in infant- parent,
child, adolescent and adult psychotherapy, a unique practice that covers the life span. She is
particularly adept at helping parents and children relate well together in todays complex family
milieu. This sensibility helps each family member understand their own emotional experiences
while simultaneously being receptive to others points of view. She has achieved this not only
through continued study of developmental psychology and contemporary research but by
experiencing all ages day after day for three decades.
Dr. Hollmans training in infant-parent psychotherapy was done at the Anni Bergman
Parent-Infant Training Program in NYC affiliated with the Institute for Psychoanalytic Training
and Research and the Contemporary Freudian Society. She has worked with adolescent mothers,
battered women and their babies, mothers with autistic children and their babies, alcoholic
mothers and their babies.
She received specialized training in child and adolescent treatment at New York
University. Her Ph.D. dissertation on nine-year-old girls culminated in a new finding and major
contribution to the psychology of this age group focusing on troubling fantasies with which these
children struggle. She was invited to join the faculty of New York University before graduating
and taught clinical courses on listening to unconscious fantasies, child psychotherapy, and
understanding the art work of children.
Dr. Hollmans training in the psychoanalysis of adults was done at The Society for
Psychoanalytic Study and Research where she became the youngest graduate to join the faculty
and Board of Directors and later became president. She taught courses on narcissistic and
borderline personality disorders as well as art therapy for children.
Dr. Hollman has studied with world-renowned figures such as psychiatrist and
psychoanalyst Dr. Jacob Arlow, psychologist and child researcher Dr. Anni Bergman, and
psychologist and infant researcher, Dr. Beatrice Beebe.
Dr. Hollman is widely published on topics relevant to parents and children such as juried
articles and chapters in the international Psychoanalytic Study of the Child, The International
Journal of Infant Observation, and the Inner World of the Mother. She wrote on subjects relevant
to parents of divorce for the Family Law Review, a publication of the New York Bar Association.
As a columnist for Newsdays Parent and Children Magazine and the Long Island Parent for
almost a decade, she has written countless articles on parenting and child development. She has
recently been a guest writer for popular parenting websites such as Naturalparentsnetwork.com
(that reaches approximately 300,000 parents monthly) and Positive Parenting Ally. These articles
were picked up by multiple family-oriented websites making her known on the internet as the
Parenting Expert. She writes bi-annual articles on mental illness for Long Island pediatricians,
internists and gynecologists/obstetricians, and for Long Island schools, discussing issues relevant
to educators and mental health counselors, including ADHD, the gifted child, depression and
anxiety in children and adolescents.
In addition to being on the faculty of New York University and The Society for
Psychoanalytic Study and Research, Dr. Hollman has also been on the faculty of the Long Island
Institute of Psychoanalysis and Long Island University where she has taught postgraduate
clinical courses. She has also taught countless seminars and led conferences on topics such as
self-esteem, child development, art therapy, narcissistic and borderline personality disorders,
assertiveness for women, counseling and psychotherapy, female development, and adolescent
development.
Earlier in her life, Dr. Hollman was an elementary school teacher with a background in
research in educational psychology, where she pioneered individualized instruction in the
classroom. This skill-based approach to assessing children rather than the ambiguous global
grading system (A, B, C, D) common then, was new in the 1970s and 1980s. For example, she
taught a second-third grade integrated classroom focusing on the strengths and weaknesses of
each child, where children learned to help each other learn. She also initiated the beginning of
teaching children with learning disabilities on a one-on-one basis, as well as supporting the
classroom teacher by entering his or her room as an adjunct teacher specialized to work with a
specific child. Today these interventions are done by resource teachers. She taught children
with reading disabilities in an educational clinic unusual then for its training of teachers
specializing in reading disabilities. These approaches, common today, were new at the time,
conceived and developed by Dr. Hollman specifically to help revitalize a very traditional school
system. She fostered distinctive relationships with hard-to-reach children and inspired their
parents to do the same. Even then, she had a relationship-based teaching style that reached a
broad spectrum of children.

AUDIENCE AND TYPE OF PROJECT
This nonfiction book explains Parental Intelligence, a phenomenally successful approach
to parenting, by presenting eight fictionalized accounts of parenting stories based on real
problems and family dynamics. The book addresses two audiences, parents and professionals
(psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, nurse practitioners, family lawyers, internists,
obstetricians, pediatricians, educators).

COMPETING AND RELATED TITLES
Why yet another parenting book? The overriding necessity for Parental Intelligence is its
distinguishing characteristic: its unique focus on the internal meanings of external behaviors that
are found by understanding the interaction of the mind of the child and the mind of the
introspective parent. This book offers a new vista on how to deal with frustrating, troubling and
even extremely volatile behaviors. In the books mentioned below, behavior is generally
discussed as something external to be shaped rather than something with underlying reasons and
meanings that portray distress and inner conflict. Parental Intelligence is further notable for its
continuous narratives about eight children and their parents rather than a myriad of disconnected
and isolated case vignettes as is common in most parenting books. The chapters read like full-
length short stories that develop rich, real characters that come alive as they grow and change
together. In addition, Parental Intelligence it is not a one-size-fits-all approach to multiple
problems. Behaviors are understood in the context of both a childs and parents past and present
lives, not as isolated acts. In addition to the stories of a broad range of children without a clinical
diagnosis, this book will also discuss behaviors of children with special needs such as ADHD
and High Functioning Autism or Aspergers syndrome.
Parental Intelligence is a good companion with All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of
Modern Parenthood by Jennifer Senior ( HarperCollins, 2014, $ 20.33, ISBN 978-0-06-207222-
1) who discusses parenthood as it has evolved through generations. Brim full with current
research from sociology to philosophy, the book entertains and rewards the reader with first-hand
reports from parents about how they feel about raising children today. Senior, looking at cultural
changes in the U.S., says, Why parents go to such elaborate lengths on behalf of their children
is understandable. But, is it? All parents, even in the middle-class culture she focuses on,
arent the same. Reading Parental Intelligence will let the reader in on the idiosyncratic histories
of parents in todays culture that lead the reader to understand much more of the why of
modern parenting ways.
Parental Intelligence is an antidote to a current parenting book which has stirred a lot of
interest among parents focused on achievement: Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua
(Penguin Press, 2011, $25.95, ISBN-078-1-59420). Chuas parenting philosophy is an
aggressive, authoritarian and rigorous approach to raising high achieving children. In contrast,
the philosophy of Parental Intelligence is to look at the behaviors of children as communications
worth understanding before deciding what is to be done. The Tiger Mother is focused on the
parents absolute and indisputable decision-making power that determines the course of the
childs life. In direct contrast, the concept behind Parental Intelligence is that the parent-child
relationship grows as the child and parent understand themselves and each other, charting a
course for the childs own life decisions.
Another book of current interest, Touchpoints by Berry Brazelton, M.D. and Joshua
Sparrow, M.D. (Perseus Book Group, 2001, two volumes, $18.95, $17.95, ISBN-07382-1049;
ISBN-0-7382-0678-4), addresses parents who are looking for markers of their childrens stages
of developmenthence touchpoints. Touchpoints shares a similar philosophy as Parental
Intelligence, but focuses only on the tasks of developmental stages and external behaviors. These
books augment each other.
One more current book in keeping with the Parental Intelligence philosophy is The
Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene, Ph.D. (HarperCollins, 2005, $13.95, ISBN-10-0-06077939)
that focuses on chronically inflexible, easily frustrated, explosive children. Parental Intelligence
enhances Greenes approach to this special group of children by focusing on a much broader
range of childrens problems that include the explosive child. Again, however, Greene focuses
on changing external behaviors, not underlying causes.
An interesting older parenting book from a special perspective is How to Play with Your
Children (and when not to) by Brian and Shirley Sutton-Smith (hard cover, 1974, Hawthorn
Books, Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 73-339), which focuses on play as a key
factor in childrens psychological, social and academic development. The major point of this
approach is that the successful parent is the playful parent who doesnt give children a world of
toys but play-communicates. If parents play, children play and live a full life of imagination
and resourcefulness. Creative processes are encouraged and explored for a wide range of ages.
The attitude of this book resonates with Parental Intelligence although it clearly has its own
perspective.
The Motherhood Constellation by Daniel N. Stern (Basic Books, 1995, 0-465-02602-8)
describes a fascinating view of motherhood that is essential to the understanding of parenting as
a stage of life. It is a paradigm for understanding the relationship between parent and child,
reaching into the inner world of each, examining the way they reverberate, and stressing the
importance of interactive behaviors. This book addresses the importance of how parent and child
represent each other, which is an essential view for parent and psychotherapist alike,
complementing the philosophy of Parental Intelligence.
Positive Discipline A-Z by Jane Nelson, Lynn Lott, and H. Stephen Glenn (Three Rivers
Press, 2007, ISBN 978-0-307-34557) offers 1001 solutions to every day parenting problems.
Describing processes in alphabetical order from allowance to values, the authors offer practical
advice for a very broad range of topics, attempting to show kind yet firm methods of
approaching children so they are responsible and resourceful. Its outlook resonates with Parental
Intelligence, offering tools for parents in everyday situations. This book complements the
concepts of Parental Intelligence (the more I punish him, the more he lies), yet, focuses on
specific suggestions of what to say and when to say it to positively affect external behavior,
while Parental Intelligence goes further and offers strategies for developing and understanding
the meaning of behavior which, ultimately develops a deep relationship of parent and child.
Parenting Without Punishment: Making Problem Behavior Work for You by J. W. Maag,
Ph.D. (The Charles Press, 1996, $20.66, ISBN 0-914783-78-5) discusses how punishment does
not work. It focuses on a behavior shaping program of strict time-consuming positive
reinforcement techniques such as token economies that are charted in detail on extensive
behavioral records. Some of the behavior analysis techniques are intermittent reinforcement,
extinction, and reinforced approximations. In other words, periodic rewards are given for signs
of corrected behaviors. One unusual technique is the use of surprise or shock as a
manipulation, illustrated in a psychiatric hospital where a child who refused to speak to his
mother on the phone, was lied to when told the call was from his school principal, and he took
the call. Parental Intelligence would never condone such deceit. Further, also in sharp contrast to
Parental Intelligence, Maag recommends that behaviors are modified without recognition of any
of the complex reasons behind them. Except for the common reference to parenting without
punishment, these two books are significantly different from each other.
The Discipline Book by William Sears, M.D. and Martha Sears, R.N. (Little, Brown and
Company, 1995, $$14.99, ISBN 978-0-316-77904-3) is a broadly based book on what parents
need to know to have a better-behaved child from birth to age ten. It is a book about what is
needed to encourage good behavior due to the development of inner controls that last a lifetime.
Attachment parenting, proposes a very specific set of parenting suggestions such as breast-
feeding, sleeping with your child, setting schedules, and holding your baby as much as possible,
which foster a deep parent-child connection. The book does not discriminate which babies
should have this routine, but instead argues that these rules of parenting create a strong
attachment that leads to effective discipline for all children. The book focuses on tone of voice
and facial expressions to get negative points across. The advice ranges from morality to tattling
to manners and masturbation. Parental Intelligence is compatible with this book, except that it
adds the important and essential concept that behaviors have meanings which determine the
approach to problem solving. Parental Intelligence differs from Positive Discipline by its
understanding that children and parents are unique individuals that need specific guidance rather
than a one-size-fits-all approach. Furthermore, Parental Intelligence includes an approach for
pre-teens and adolescents not only birth to ten.
My book offers parents a chance to go deeper into the complexities of the parenting
process than the aforementioned books alone. Parental Intelligence does not offer a clear-cut
recipe or an approach to understanding parenting as a stage of life, but a challenging approach to
finding meaning behind behavior that reveals the workings of the minds of a parent and child.
Equipped with this understanding, parent and child can and will find problem-solving skills and
methods that are right for their specific situation and circumstance.

SPECIAL MARKETING AND PROMOTIONAL OPPORTUNITIES
Online Audience
Dr. Hollman has a strong, thriving presence on the internet as a Parenting Expert. She
has an online audience of over 15,000 parenting and professional viewers who read her articles
on Parental Intelligence and other parenting topics written on Facebook (titled Parental
Intelligence), her website (Blog: Parental Intelligence), and Twitter.
She also posts regularly to enormous audiences on other sites: (1) weekly for Love that
Max, a special needs blog that is rated in the top 100 Mom Blogs, (2) weekly for Mommy Blogs
(150,000 followers), (3) monthly for Natural Parenting Network (300,000 monthly unique
visitors), (4) periodically for Positive Parenting Ally in Denmark.
Dr. Hollman is reaching parents across the United States, the United Kingdom, Canada,
Denmark, Australia, New Zealand, India, Brazil, the Netherlands, China and Israel.
Offline Audience
Dr. Hollman has been a public speaker and seminar leader for thirty years on subjects
ranging from parenting, female development, child development, adolescence, Parent
Effectiveness Training, personality disorders and assertiveness. This created a broad base of
parents and professionals who respect her work in a wide range of community and professional
organizations. She is on the Speakers Bureau of the Institute for Psychoanalytic Training and
Research that reaches an international community.
Dr. Hollman has been welcomed at the National Mothers Center, the NY State
Postpartum Resource Center, the National Association for the Education of Young Children
(NAEYC), and the Adelphi University Parenting Institute.
Furthermore, because the books stories cover infancy, high-risk children, adopted
children, children of divorce, identical twins, and children with high functioning autism, and
each of these subgroups are supported by special parenting organizations and websites catering
to these categories, Parental Intelligence can be publicized by a wide range of such
organizations and their publications. Furthermore, book reviews can be written for the many
local, national, and international publications and websites that have published Dr. Hollmans
articles and posts.
Dr. Hollman has written articles for hundreds of schools, pediatricians, obstetricians, and
internists who form a base of professionals to whom the book could be marketed. She is an
affiliate of the Institute for Psychoanalytic Training and Research (IPTAR, NYC) who was a co-
sponsor with the Contemporary Freudian Society (NYC) of the Anni Bergman Parent-Infant
Psychotherapy Training Program, where Dr. Hollman was certified to work with infants and
parents. Dr. Phyllis Beren, Co-Director of the Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy Program at
IPTAR, has already requested that the book be used as a required text for the students in the
program.
Similarly, based on a draft of her book, Dr. Hollman has been asked to teach, How to
Work with Parents in Psychotherapy at the Columbia University Infant-Parent Psychotherapy
Program. A typical request came from Christine Anzieu-Premmeur, M.D., Ph.D., Child and
Psychoanalyst and Psychiatrist, Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, Columbia University,
Director, Columbia University Parent-Infant Training Program and Director, Pacella Child
Center: I read with great pleasure your book on parenting. I found it well documented and
smart. I am sure it could help a lot of families. Can you come and talk to the Columbia Parent-
Infant Program trainees about the case of the two-year-old adopted boy and your ideas on how to
work with parents? This is an example of the enthusiasm for Parental Intelligence, and the
speaking engagements and the professional marketing the book will generate.
Following these examples, Dr. Hollman could publicize the book to parent-child
psychotherapists at groups such as the Contemporary Freudian Society in New York City and
Washington, D.C., the Boston Change Process Study Group as well as the Anni Bergman Ph.D.
Parent-Infant Psychotherapy Program in New York City and like-minded child psychotherapy
training and institutes around the United States, the United Kingdom, Israel, Italy and France.
Dr. Hollman is in contact with and could distribute copies of the book to parents and
professionals in the United States and abroad who specialize in treating children and adolescents.
These professionals can learn to use the principles of Parental Intelligence in their practices
(seminars could be held by Dr. Hollman teaching the method) and recommend the book to their
parent patients. A wide network of parents can thus be generated who read the book and suggest
it to others.
In short, Dr. Hollman can supply links to publicize the book to hundreds of colleges,
universities, and psychoanalytic institutes for the training of child psychotherapists who work
with parents around the world, as well as more directly to hundreds of thousands of parents who
are involved in parenting websites that reach out to diverse families including those with special
needs children.

SUMMARY
Our children are our only real wealth. We impoverish ourselves if we do not have ways
to help them with their struggles and take pleasure in their joys and achievements. So how do we
do this? Some parents seem to naturally have the knack, but many dont. Discouraged parents are
deeply saddened when their children are troubled. The childs problems signaled by their
behaviors overtake both the parents and childs lives. Misbehaviors are often a red flag to a
hidden pain that has been carried inside a child for a long time that parents may have been
blocked from seeing because of hidden pain inside themselves from their own lives. Other times,
the behaviors are responses to simpler problems. This parenting approach understands a wide
array of problems, so solutions can be found.
The stories in this book depict how parents found answers to these questions:
What do you do
when your infant unaccountably fusses and cant be calmed down?
when your two-year-old adoptee has excessive temper tantrums?
when your four-year-old with Aspergers Syndrome sings a song over and over again
without regard for his frustrated audience?
when your six-year-old identical twin hits his brother repeatedly?
when your eight-year-old with ADHD cries about homework on a daily basis?
when your outgoing thirteen-year-old wants to stay in a coed hotel on a class trip?
when your fifteen-year-old wont clean her messy room?
when your socially awkward but brilliant seventeen-year-old drinks and breaks curfew?
Parental Intelligence teaches parents to focus on meaning, not action. Instead of asking,
How do I handle this? Step back and first ask, What does this mean? Behaviors illustrate the
multiple determinants of the childs distress. With that understanding, problems hidden behind
the misbehavior emerge. Conflict and conflict resolution are addressed with a parenting approach
that proceeds from understanding the minds of parent and child to problem solving.
With decades of treating children and their parents Dr. Laurie Hollman declares, If you
understand the behavior, you can figure out what to do. Then punishment is off the table because
it only causes parent and child anger, resentment, and frustration along with a schism in the
relationship.
Parental Intelligence offers a compelling road map designed to enable you to:
Understand what fuels punishment instead of a search for meaning
Step back and assess the situation
Reflect on your reactions to your childs behavior or attitude then reflect on your own
life experiences that led to these reactions
Understand what is going on in your childs mind
Learn about your childs stage of development
Develop collaborative problem solving that deepens the relationship
Parental Intelligence is written in an easy-to-read format that inspires parents and carries
them through the maze of parenting with heartrending stories. Hollman offers testimony to the
immense inner resources of valiant parents.
OUTLINE
Parental Intelligence begins with an Introduction that previews the book, where I discuss
my inspiration for the bookthirty years of experience using this approach successfully. I
explore the basic principle that behavior has meaning which, when understood, offers more
options than punishment for problem solving and conflict resolution. I explain how the parent-
child relationship grows with this method of child rearing, comment on the stumbling blocks of
parenting, the intergenerational effects of parenting, and the interaction of parent and child
histories on each other. I also outline the chapters in the book.
The introduction is followed by an essay, The Essential Parent, which sets the stage for
understanding the essential parenting skills needed for a successful and enduring secure
attachment between parent and child.

PART I: DEVELOPING YOUR PARENTAL INTELLIGENCE
This first part contains three chapters that describe the theory of parental intelligence.
Chapter One: The Parenting Mindset
The parenting mindset is the foundation to the approach described in the chapters that
follow. In its most basic form, it is an open-minded attitude that looks to understand the meaning
behind a childs behavior before deciding what to do about it. It is an attitude that seeks
understanding before action, that believes external behavior has internal causes, and that both
parents and children behave based on what they think and feel. When parents shift their focus
from trying to stop misbehaviors to trying to understand the meanings of misbehaviors, they are
empowered to understand their childs mind as well as their own as they rework their parent-
child relationship so that undesired behaviors stop, emotional growth occurs, and the parent-child
relationship is strengthened while important problems are solved.
Here is an excerpt of a mother who has held this parenting mindset for some time and
thus can help her daughter discuss her behavior and the underlying struggles beneath it:
On the way to the kitchen, thirteen-year-old Olivia says to her mom, who is not yet in sight,
Mom, I have something to tell you, but dont want you to be mad. Mom adopts the
nonjudgmental, empathic mindset she needs if Olivia is to feel safe enough to tell her whatever
she thinks is a bad thing. Whatever it is, Mom says, We can work it out. Olivia raises her face
to show her mother a golden ring piercing her lower lip. Mom is shocked, but works hard at
reserving her feelings, holding Olivias worry in mind. Olivia starts to cry. Her best friend
convinced her to go to the mall where they each got one, but now fears shes made a mistake.
How big a mistake could this be? asks Olivias mother. If you dont want to leave it in, the
hole will close up in a few days. This response allows Olivia to experience her mother as a
safe parent, someone she could go to with her problems.
Olivia and her mother explore together meanings behind the behavior: Olivia wanted to feel
prettier, her self-image was uncertain, she wanted to experiment with a new look that she
thought was more mature, and she wanted to do something independently from her mother.
Together, mother and daughter achieve a deeper understanding of themselves and each other.



Chapter Two: What Fuels Punishment Instead of a Search for Meaning?
This chapter discusses the purported aims of punishment and how they fail. Punishment
is defined as an action taken or imposed on a child in reaction to a childs acting contrary to a
parents rule or moral belief. Punishments aim is both to curb current misbehaviors and to deter
future behaviors. However, instead, punishment does not change misbehaviors in the long run,
but builds long-term resentment that fosters a deep schism in the relationship. Parents develop
blind spots to childrens emotions, are misled by their childrens actions, and eventually draw
erroneous conclusions about their childs conscious and unconscious intentions. The chapter
explains various reasons why parents punish including the way parents were punished
themselves as children.
Here is a typical example of an abrupt punishment that mars the parent-child relationship
without solving any problems:
Responsible, hard-working seventeen-year-old Eva comes home late. Her angry father
meets her at the door, telling her that no excuses would be accepted for breaking the curfew.
You know you broke the rules. Youre grounded for two weekends. No discussion. Eva flops on
her bed and thinks: It wasnt my fault. Dad just doesnt get it. He never does. Im always on time
for school unless the bus is late but thank goodness Dad doesnt know when that happens. Hed
call the bus company! I tell the truth and get grounded. Last time I do that.
Thus, punishment drove parent and child away from each other, resulting in the teens
reaction to keep secrets away from her father in the future to avoid his angry response.

Chapter Three: Five Steps to Parental Intelligence
Many steps lie between misbehavior and solutions. This chapter describes the five-step
process to solving problems. The first step, Stepping Back, gives parents time to begin to
evaluate the situation, suspend judgment, examine and question assumptions, and realize the
situation isnt fully understood.
The second step, Self-Reflecting, allows parents to discover how their past history affects
their present approach to parenting. It allows the parent to observe him or herself from a distance
and think about his or her feelings, motives and actions. It helps parents become interested in the
impact their past has on their responses to specific situations with their children in the present.
That is, the parent learns to understand how his or her past generational histories, influences of
parenting styles over time, carry over into their feelings and dealings with their own children.
The third step, Understanding Your Childs Mind, means recognizing and understanding
your childs mental states, which include goals, intentions, and feelings. Parents who hold their
childs mind in mind are more likely to have children who feel secure, to manage parent-child
relationships better, and to be effective in resolving inevitable conflicts and arguments. This is a
key chapter that focuses on the idea that children often have unconscious motives and intentions.
Parents who get to know their children very well find out what lies behind behavior, so the real
problems can be addressed.
The fourth step is Understanding Your Childs Development, exploring the difference
between chronological age and developmental age. There are expected developmental stages
when children master different skills, but not all children reach those stages at the same time, and
some children dont reach them at all. That is, children have the ability to perform in various
ways at different (st)ages, not necessarily dependent on how old they are. A special section on
saying No describes how to set limits.
The fifth step, Problem Solving, is the culmination of the previous steps. The interesting
result may be that the initial problem, the specific misbehavior, is now part of a group of
problems to be solved over time. The importance of the initial behavior goes through a
transformation and is often no longer the focus. In time, parent and child engage each other,
focus on their relationship, empathize and identify meanings behind behaviors, thus solving their
problems.
This is not a unidirectional process. Each step can be returned to at any time and multiple
times before resolution results.
In the discussion of each step, there is a subsection, Does Gender Matter? in which
contemporary research on fathers involvement with their children is discussed in light of
learning each step in the Parental Intelligence process.
PART II: STORIES OF PARENTAL INTELLIGENCE IN PRACTICE
In Chapters Four through Twelve, we watch the inevitable unraveling and coming together of
eight families. These are stories of parents who wend their way through the five step approach to
parental intelligence as they follow new paths with their children, grapple with change and
discover new family connections.

Chapter Four: At-Risk Parents Misread Infants Fussy Behavior: Carries First Months
This chapter presents a portrait of two at-risk teenage parents, Laura and Cole, who marry
when nineteen-year-old Laura becomes unexpectedly pregnant. They both admit to not liking
children and having no experience taking care of babies. Although the baby fusses in the normal
range of infancy, the couple misreads their babys fussing as causing trouble and dont know
how to soothe her. Both parents are children of emotionally disturbed parents who are unable to
help them.
The couple hires a grandmotherly woman to care for their infant when they go to work
and school. They try to prepare her for what they believe is their difficult baby. As she learns
their perceptions and gets to know the infant, she is able to guide them to understand the babys
normal communications and intentions. In time, with the continuing help of the child-minder
who becomes like a parent to Laura and Cole, the young parents are able to reflect on the sources
of their incorrect interpretations of the babys behavior, learn about infancy, and create healthy
parent-infant relationships, so this baby does not have to follow in the footsteps of her neglected
parents.
Excerpt: Lidia appeared promptly the next morning, cheerfully ignoring the disheveled young
mothers appearance and her disorganized household. Piles of laundry, overflowing baskets of
garbage, dishes in the sink, and infant toys scattered about didnt ruffle her. She instantly
observed a strained and exhausted teenage mother who was unprepared for her maternal
role...Lidia knew at once that she had two babies to care for and was sensitive to their anxious
bonding.



Chapter Five: A Distressed Child, Not a Bad Child: Two-Year-Old Travis
Discover how the parents of Travis, a two-year-old adoptee, progressed through the five-
step-approach to parenting, resolving his escalating behavior of temper tantrums by
understanding the meaning behind his outbursts. He was too young to tolerate the multiple losses
he had to enduredislocation from his birth mother when adopted loss of his nanny at one
yearloss of his father who threatens divorce. Further, they faced transmission of high stress
reactions from the biological mother who travelled the globe in threatening areas when
pregnant, creating an intrauterine environment that led to a high level of vigilance in her child
after birth.
Find out how in the problem solving phase, the parents reconsidered Travis needs. He
needed to be with them more, not less. They start to introduce feeling words into his vocabulary
so he could express himself rather than tantrum. This was new for Travis father but he caught on
quickly. He began to play with Travis for the first time, a major accomplishment for a father who
didnt really want a child. Dad never realized before he could actually play with a two-year-old.
He felt wanted and experienced a new kind of accomplishment admitting he would not have
done all this if there hadnt been temper tantrums. Travis parents continue to need to work
things out between them, but they had begun problem solving at a level Travis could participate
in. The temper tantrums dwindled and stopped.
Excerpts: Mrs. Daver now understood how Travis actions made her feel so rejected that she
couldnt hear his tantrums as emphatic calls for help. She felt he was doing something to hurt
her, not to reach her, and when she wasnt there for him in the way he needed, he just escalated
his behavior trying even harder to get the attention and care he needed from her
Reflecting on these insights led Travis father to wonder how he could help Travis find
his way. his darkening thoughts led him to realize they would have to help Travis together,
challenging his view of their son being only her child...
Travis parents parental intelligence had reached a significant height that would
continue to develop as they and Travis grew. The gateway to becoming a tender, loving family
had been opened. However, this was just the beginning of how raising Travis was reshaping who
they were and who they could become.


Chapter Six: A Boy with Aspergers Cant Stop Singing: Four-Year-Old Lee
A stay-at-home dad of awkward, chatty four-year-old Lee used the five steps with his
working wife to resolve some of their childs social problems. He helps himself and his wife
come to grips with the diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome, also known as high functioning
Autism without language or intellectual impairment. After raising two older sons, the father
recalls how as a toddler, Lee seemed indifferent to him. In preschool, he couldnt share or play
with other children and frustrated his older brothers. Carl tried to support his wife who felt so
provoked and shut out by their sons repetitious talking, singing, and poor eye contact that one
night she abruptly punished him, which shocked herself and Lee.
Excerpt: Parenting had always seemed pleasurable to Carl and Deirdre, even exciting as they
learned from their childrens interests and personalities, but now, hiding despair as they tried to
buoy each other up, they werent so sure.
Father and mother suffered with deep guilt that their genetic make-up and their own
childhood interpersonal difficulties contributed to Lees problems. They discover Lees sensory
world that is too loud, too bright, and too social for his coping mechanisms. When under a lot of
stress, Lee rocks slowly due to his anxiety, raises his voice and get close to screaming, seeming
to communicate his fear and overstimulation. Husband and his wife are troubled viewing their
solitary preschooler lost in a world of his own making. He has trouble accepting limits, tolerating
frustrations, and understanding others.
The two brothers risk engaging Lee in social situations, in order to satisfy their desires to
be in relation to him, only to discover that he can broaden his restricted, solitary world.
Excerpt: When Vic brought the three new cars to Lee, Lee gave him a smile and let Vic add the
others to his long row. Vic remembered that Lee had trouble looking at him and thought Lee may
feel a little nervous when he was trying to play with himVic kept his voice tone low, so Lee
wouldnt get too excited and scaredHeres the store, Lee. The car in front is going shopping.
...Vic was pleased. He went to give Lee a hug, and Lee quickly backed away, but he smiled and
looked at Vic, however briefly. He swiftly withdrew again and turned his back on Vic. But what
magic Vic had engineered. Lee had managed a bit of change with his brother.
The beset parents are pleased when they learn that Lee copes best when his life is
predictable with clear routines and expectations and when they use his strengthshis remarkable
memory and capacity to follow rules. They ponder deeply over the question of whether Lee can
feel love only to find that he is coming to know he is an important member of their enduring
family life.
Excerpts: Carl had often asked himself the question, Could Lee love? It was hard to be in
Lees mind. He wondered: Did he care that it was Vic in particular who gave him the new cars?
Did he enjoy his singing in a different way when Israel sang with him?
Lee was a part of something: more than himself. He was a member of his family. Carl and
Deirdre thought he knew that.

Chapter Seven: Jealousy in An Identical Twin: Six-Year-Old Clive
Meet the daunting parents of six-year-old Clive, a vulnerable kindergartener who was in
the same class with his rambunctious, identical twin, Ari. When Clives favorite teacher
showered attention on Ari, Clive hit Ari. At the same time, his father was away for a month and
when he returned and gave attention to Ari, Clive began to hit Ari at home as well. With the
parents knowledge, the teacher began punishing Clive by taking away painting, his favorite
activity. But nothing changed.
Stepping back, the boys empathic mother realized that Clive held back as Ari hugged
dad good-bye when he left on his frequent business trips and the pattern repeated when Dad
returned. Self-reflecting, the twins mother recognized she was more protective of Clive than Ari
and gave him more time, while the father favored spunkier Ari, who reminded him of his
relationship with his brothers.
Through the discussion of a drawing that Clive designed on the computer, dad and Clive
come to grips with Clives belief that his father was mad at him because he couldnt read as well
as Ari. In fact, Clive came to an incorrect conclusion that his father went far away because he
was upset with him.
Excerpt: Dad looked back at the picture for more clues. He was very tempted to call his wife,
but sensed he shouldnt. This was between Clive and himself. He plunged in: Clive, why did the
teacher say you couldnt paint?
Its because Im BAD like I told you, Clive paused and then blurted out, I hit Ari.
More than once, too. That is bad. REALLY BAD. And you went away. Far away.
Clive, do you think I went away because you hit Ari? dad asked in fear.
No. You went away because I cant read. You dont like boys who cant read. You like
smart boys like Ari.
Mr. Richards found himself rocking Clive very slowly like a baby. He was speechless,
having trouble following his sons gloomy logic. He didnt know what he had done to cause
Clive to think he didnt like him. But then he thought again. It wasnt what he had done. It was
what he hadnt done. He had never paid enough attention to Clive, so Clive drew the conclusion
that he didnt like him. Then, he speculated, when Clive had a problem reading, which wasnt
really a problem except in comparison to Ari, he imagined that he didnt like him because of the
reading and therefore went away. Gosh. It was an outlandish conclusion, but a childs mind
could create anything.
Eventually, through open dialogue with his wife and sons, the family not only solved the
hitting problem but also worked out how to communicate more effectively with the father when
he took his long trips. Dad understood the profound importance he held for Clive and their
relationship deepened.

Chapter Eight: The Storm, The Calm with ADHD: Eight-Year-Old Cathie
Cathie was a third-grader treated for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Distraught
Cathie and her besieged mother argued daily about sitting still when doing homework. Cathies
mother threatened no dessert after dinner but this had no effect. Their relationship was falling
apart.
Using the five step parenting approach, the mother deftly figured out that she had been
taking Cathies resistance personally and felt rebuffed. Their perpetually disrupted lives shifted
as she faced that when Cathie fussed, it wasnt bad behavior but a way of demonstrating how
overwhelmed she was. Hiding under the table was only a way of trying to settle down in a quiet
contained place. Mother and father reflected about how painful it was to watch their daughter
struggle and they began to recall their own struggles at that age. The mother took a different tack
with the homework situation by talking to Cathie about how she felt hiding under the table.
Cathie, how ya doing down there?
Im scared.
Oh. dear. What are you scared about?
Im scared that Im bad and stupid. Im resting.
Sweetheart, youre not bad or stupid. I know homework is hard to do when youre off
your medicine for ADHD. Im proud of you for knowing how to rest. I bet under the
table is like a special little place for you to calm down
Im coming out now. Ill try to finish the sentences.
This exchange was a lovely example of Cathies mother trying to understand her
daughters mind. The mother-daughter relationship was growing. Cathies mother learned how
her daughters fear of her mothers anger and disapproval were influencing her behavior. In
order to problem solve, she thought of ways to soothe Cathie, thus helping Cathie to soothe
herself. They ingeniously came up with plans that would relieve the situation and help the bigger
problem, her self-esteem. The mother also advocated for her daughter at school and plans were
made to relieve her struggles. As mother and Cathie learned to problem solve together, their
interactions and relationship vastly improved as well.

Chapter Nine: Mothers Angst: Thirteen-Year-Old Olivia
Five-foot-two Olivia was a feisty, outgoing, well-liked athletic thirteen-year-old. Despite
this, her sense of self was marred by her academic difficulties. A worrisome mother kept a close
eye on her daughter. Since her husband worked long hours, she had to make most decisions on
her own. Without consulting Olivia, she offered to be a chaperone on a school trip to
Washington, D.C. but all the spots were taken. The following dialogue ensued:
Mom, my teacher told me you offered to be a chaperone on the school trip.
Absolutely. You are too young to be going far away and staying with boys in a hotel.
I wont be near the boys. Ill be staying in a room with two of my girlfriends.
There could be drugs and boys could sneak to your room. Since I am not able to attend,
you wont go. If you bring it up again, youll be grounded for a week.
Mom, I know you get scared about things, but
The mother tried to use the five-step parenting approach. She questioned, Was I trying
so hard to protect Olivia that I ended up acting like a warden instead of a loving mother?
The mothers anxiety had its source in a traumatic incident when she was raped as a
teenager by another teen on drugs. She wondered if she was attending too much to her own needs
to lower her own anxiety, than her daughters needs to grow up independently and strong.
After talking with her husband, Olivias mother realized that the Washington trip revived
her own experience and heightened her fears unnecessarily. She questioned how Olivia felt when
she (the mother) was nervous, realizing Olivia had needs of her own to socialize, fit in, and feel
confident.
Eventually, Olivia went on the trip, her self-esteem was lifted by being liked by a smart
boy, and her mother became more resilient, so her daughter didnt have to mother her. Due to the
profound impact of Olivias mothers use of parental intelligence, the bond with her daughter
was strengthened.
Excerpt: Delilas love for her daughter had fuelled her determination to understand her own
anxiety and not let it interfere with being a caring mother. She admired her daughter and had
learned that her daughter trusted her. Delila was a complex woman who had started feeling
anxious because of an unresolved memory that dictated a poor decision about the trip, but that
wasnt all of her. Rebounding with the fortitude to look within herself revealed her courage and
depth of character. She was learning about herself and her daughter and anticipating the promise
of their deep and growing relationship.
Chapter Ten: A Messy Room Signals Depression: Fifteen-Year-Old Leslie
Leslie was close to her protective confidante, her mother. Her father divorced her mother
when she was six. The mother, disturbed by the chronically messy bedroom of fifteen-year-old
Leslie, punished her or simply screamed at her not only making no impact, but also seeming to
cause Leslie to become sullen and detached. This close mother-daughter duo was distanced for
months until the mother realized that Leslies detachment stirred memories of her own mothers
prolonged depression when she was Leslies age. Not wanting to feel that old pain and anger, her
mother had blocked out the idea that something could be tormenting Leslie. Reviving her long-
time usage of parental intelligence, the mother finally realized that Leslie may be suffering from
the emotional loss of her father, especially when he moved across the country.
In this chapter, the impact of parental intelligence on a mother and daughter for whom this
approach had become a way of life is seen. Because the fifteen-year-old had been raised this
way, she was precociously introspective and able to understand her own behavior. Thus, when
the mother ultimately opened up their dialogue, she learned that Leslie quit her favorite dance
troupe when her father failed to show up to a major recital Leslie had secretly invited him to.
Leslie was able to explain to her mother that because dancing reminded her of his broken
promise, she quit hoping that would relieve the pain. Of course it didnt and she became
depressed. She also started dating a boy who eventually broke up with her, a second loss. When
Leslie and her mother talk, the mother realizesthat the messy room was the barometer of Leslies
emotional disorganization and strife.
Excerpt: The two sat together quietly for several moments and then Ceci continued.
Im glad we are able to talk together and I have an idea that might help. Would you like
me to talk to your father? It must have been difficult to communicate with him on your own all
the time. I know he loves you. He just doesnt know how to show it.
Yes, responded Leslie feeling a great release of tension. I would like you to do that for
me.
There was something so caressing in their words as they leaned toward one another
giving Leslie hope.
I love you Mommy.
As Ceci hugged her daughter, she felt her love clinging round her again like it had been
so many months before. She felt they had returned to that place where they were so strongly
connected. She thought how Leslies violin, her dancing, her painting, her old high spirits as well
as her present abandoned heart were all her daughter. Leslie, in return, felt great relief, knowing
her mother understood her. She could even tell her about Craig now. She had regained the
faithful lifeline that her mother had always represented.
Now that they found each other again, they could continue talking about what both
needed. In particular, Ceci felt she could now help her daughter deal with the problem presented
by her absent father. Theirs was a unique bond.
Leslies mother grasped that the messy room was the barometer of Leslies emotional
disorganization and strife. The loss of her father was the overarching problem. With their heart-
to-heart, they recover their derailed tie.

Chapter Eleven: A Lonely Place to Call Home: Seventeen-Year-Old Eva
Eva achieved brilliantly but had no friends. When she ventured out socially for the first
time, she came home late from her first party where she drank a few beers. Her father
disregarded her attempt at total honesty and grounded her sternly. Her mother remained passive.
When the father began the five-step approach, he questioned his motives.
Excerpt: He recalled that when she came home and he grounded her, she had run up the stairs
upset, not just placidly following his dictates. He remembered how startled he felt by her
reaction. The front hall that had seemed full of life when she went out now seemed dark and
empty. He asked himself, What have I done? With that thought, he slumped into a well-
cushioned chair in the dimly lit living room and fell into deep thought.
Later he reflected on his own childhood in relation to the kind of parent hed become.
Excerpt: Evas father remembered that his father was a harsh disciplinarian. He had expected to
be a different kind of father for Eva, but his fathers ways slipped outWith Evas fathers
beginning reflections, he was able to realize his reactions went far beyond the curfew and
drinking in question.
Evas father engaged his wife for the first time in parenting decisions. Meanwhile, Eva
continued to socialize and confronted her parents about her needs. To her surprise, her parents
changed their attitudes and her father came up with an ingenious plan to help her gain
confidence. The mother, too, started to gain Evas respect as she recognized her daughters hopes
and desires to lead a full life.

PART III: THE FUTURE WITH PARENTAL INTELLIGENCE
Part III describes a world where Parental Intelligence has become commonplace.
Chapter Twelve: The Meeting Ground
I conclude with an essay about my philosophy of parenting that has ramifications at
familial and societal levels. I discuss how the parenting approach that encompasses Parental
Intelligence provides a meeting ground for parents and children to get to know each other in
profound and pleasurable ways as they solve problems in the present that affect their values and
future directions. If this kind of intelligence was taught to parents routinely, parenting would
become an introspective process, communication and understanding would become the basics for
family life, and relationships between parents and children would provide the foundation for
thinking through problems by recognizing the link between external behavior and internal
experience. Children of such families would have the skills to work through problems and face
conflict in their daily lives and ultimately do the same in their work lives and future
relationships. In some ways, this book doesnt have an ending. This new way of parenting offers
a new way of life. It provides a beginning for parents to understand children of all ages and
developmental levels to help them solve their problems and have loving, satisfying lives above
and beyond the pages of this book.



REVIEWS AND ENDORSEMENTS
After completing a draft of the book, I printed some copies, so that professionals (peer
reviewers) as well as several parents I admire and respect could read it and discuss it with me.
Here are some of the responses:
Professional Clinicians who Treat Children and Adolescents and their Parents
Phyllis Beren, Ph.D., Co-Director of the Institute for Psychoanalytic Training and
Research Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy Training Program, Training and Supervising
Analyst at the Institute for Psychoanalytic Training and Research, and The Contemporary
Freudian Society, Member of the International Psychoanalytical Association, Editor: Narcissistic
Disorders in Children and Adolescents, Jason Aronson, 1998.
Laurie Hollmans book, Parental Intelligence has accomplished a notable feat in
describing sophisticated theories of child development and behavior and offering a window into
the inner workings of the minds of parents and children, while managing to make these ideas
clear and easily accessible to parents. What distinguishes her guide from other parenting books is
her emphasis on the important need to understand, the meaning behind the misbehavior of the
child or adolescent, rather than assuming to know what the misbehavior means and reacting in
the moment. The structure of the book is also interesting, because the author offers the reader
stories, about eight children and their parents and takes you along on each of the journeys,
while describing in detail the presenting misbehavior, the problematic reactions and the parents
gradual awakening that leads to more insight about their child and also to greater self-
knowledge. She also tackles the area of problem solving and offers parents many tools to
improve relationships with their child. The book is clearly and beautifully written and Dr.
Hollman conveys throughout a non-judgmental, non-critical stance, where the reader feels her
genuine empathy for the parent and child and their struggles. Her empathy transforms the parents
into becoming more empathic with their children. Also of special note is Dr. Hollmans ability to
enable the parents to look more deeply into their own minds and to understand how their past
generational histories are carried over into their feelings and dealings with their own children.
This is a very admirable parenting book. I also strongly recommend this book to mental
health professionals and educators working with children and adolescents, who could also use it
as a text book for child therapists.
Rena Greenblatt, Ph.D., Psychoanalyst, Child and Adolescent Psychologist, Learning
Disabilities and ADHD Specialist, former Director, Child and Adolescent Program, Institute for
Psychoanalytic Study and Research, Adjunct Professor, New York University
With candor and compassion, Laurie Hollman, Ph.D., teaches parents about Parental
Intelligence. In her ground-breaking book, she draws on contemporary child development
theory offering parents an easy-to-follow, five-step program for conflict resolution. Parents will
learn how to understand the underlying determinants to their childs behavior, how to read
non-verbal as well as verbal communication, and how to create an open dialogue. As an
experienced child and family therapist, Dr. Hollman is in a unique position to talk to parents. She
provides fictionalized accounts of real problems. Dr. Hollman teaches parents how to understand
their own expectations, listen to their childs communication, and take into account the meaning
behind the childs behavior and how it relates to their developmental level. Along the way,
parents will build a stronger, healthier bond with their child. Just as Dr. Hollman teaches parents
to interact more effectively and empathically with their children, she writes with empathy and
understanding as she teaches parents this proven and user-friendly method of parenting. Dr.
Hollmans book is an essential guide for every parent.
Marie Oppedisano, Ph.D., Psychoanalyst, Child and Adolescent Psychologist
Dr. Laurie Hollmans book, Parental Intelligence, is a clear and concise guide to parenting.
Learning to understand the meaning of a childs behavior and dealing with it in an empathic,
problem-solving way is an effective approach to raising children who are self-confident and able
to eventually understand and control their own behaviors. This is a guide to thoughtful parenting
that is dynamic and aids both the parent and the child in feeling able to adjust to changing issues
as the child goes through different developmental stages. It is a book I will recommend to my
patients and the techniques are helpful to teach to therapists who work with issues related to
parenting.
Nursery School Teacher
Dottie Del Gaudio, Director and Teacher, Nursery School, Huntington, NY
This book offers a clear and practical approach to parenting that will promote not only better
relationships between parent and child, but also encourage personal growth and maturity of both
the parent and child. The book presents insightful parenting skills for the parent by sharing real
family histories, experiences, and solutions. The techniques of the approach are clearly
explained. Parents are encouraged to learn from their own past histories, given permission to
have made mistakes in how they handled situations with their child, and shown how to move to a
more positive understanding and resolution of the current crisis. The families we get to know
have children of different ages, different marital situations, and different challenges that make
their families unique, yet familiar. Through use of the steps taught in the book parents are led to
realize that the offense is not always the behavior that must be adjusted. The plan encourages
positive relationships and communication between parent and child which will lead to less
conflict or at least smoother resolution of future issues. What I like best about this approach to
parenting is that it will facilitate a calmer environment in the home and family with more
productive dialogue between the parents and between parent and child. The book is well written
and presented on a concrete, real life level that all parents can understand, retain, use and benefit
from.
Parents
Bruce Wichard, Divorced Father of Eleven-Year-Old Twin Boys
Insightful is the word I would use to best describe this book. It has helped me to better
understand my children and, therefore, myself. Dr. Hollman has mapped out an approach to
parenting that has already saved me countless heart aches. This book is a must for any concerned
parent interested in their childrens well-being and capacity to become responsible adults.
Kathy Shamoun, Mother of Three-Year-Old and Seven-Year-Old Sons
Parents like myself, seeking genuine closeness with their kids, find gem after gem in Dr.
Hollmans insightful, compassionate, decoding of troublesome behaviors. I tend to think of
myself as a conscientious parent, but as I get caught up in the pace of our busy lives, I often miss
the opportunities for real understanding that my childrens acting up signals to
meopportunities that if recognized, grow the secure trusting relationship I aim for with my two
boys. Dr. Hollman teaches us how to slow down the process so that we see the meaning
underneath the action and our own reactions. Implementing her steps I begin to develop
communication with my children that is honest and effective; communication that comes from
the heart and touches the heart. Such an important book! This is the users manual every parent
wishes came with their child.