The 10 Things

You Wont Find

in a
Godly
Marriage
By Matthew L. Jacobson
www.MatthewLJacobson.com
Copyright 2014 by Matthew L. Jacobson
Cover design by Triumph Assistants
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Introduction
Marriage is in tough shape these days.
And not just marriage but Christian
marriage, which is more than sad its
tragic.
Why? Because God has a very specific
purpose in each and every Christian
marriage: To be a picture to the world of
how much Jesus Christ loves His Bride, the
Church.
So, how are we doing with that?
Every Christian husband and wife should
be able to say to others: Follow my
example in marriage.
But, could you? Could you stand up in a
room and say, without embarrassment,
Were not perfect but even so, I encourage
you to follow our example in marriage?
Most couldnt.
How sad that what is rare in the typical
Church is supposed to be normal
Christianity. And, how about those disciples
who live in the same house with you . . .
your children? If you couldnt say this to
your friends, you couldnt say it to your
children, either, which raises a very
uncomfortable question. Are you providing
an example to your children of how not to
have a Christ-honoring marriage?
A godly couple can say this because of
whats missing from their marriage.
Sometimes its good when certain things go
missing from our marriages.
Here are 10 things that need to go
from every relationship where
Gods standards for marriage are
sought. . . .
Chapter 1
ASharp Tongue
Have you ever given into the desire to make
it sting? It can be easy to cut with words
when things dont go our way.
Even one time is too often but, how often do
we cut ourselves slack in cutting with our
tongues?
But, you made me so angry,
What you said made me respond that way,
I would never talk like that if you werent
so . . .
Most of us are pretty creative when it comes
to justifying our sin. Thats exactly what
exercising a sharp tongue is: sin.
Sharp Tongues can come in two varieties.
First, there are the words themselves that are
biting or cutting. Youre such a . . . Why
dont you just . . . You make me . . . Youre
so . . . You . . .
Then there is the way we say it our tone
and countenance the vibe we choose to
communicate. Our tone and body language
can be just as razor-edged as our words.
With a change of tone and a roll of the eyes,
a simple comment can become a cutting
put-down. Thank you under those
conditions doesnt need interpretation.
Instead of expressing appreciation, it
suddenly means, Youre such a jerk. Why
dont you shut up?
I have a question for you. There can be
exceptions, but when was the last time you
regretted what you didnt say? Everyone
remembers the time (many times!) we said
something we regretted but, rarely have I
regretted restraining myself during the urge
to just say it in an intense moment.
The Bible has a lot to say about the words
we use.
How great a forest is set ablaze by such a
small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world
of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among
our members, staining the whole body,
setting on fire the entire course of life, and is
set on fire by hell . . . no human being can
tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of
deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and
Father, and with it we curse people who are
made in the likeness of God. From the same
mouth come blessing and cursing . . . a
harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by
those who make peace.
~ from James, Chapter 3
As the Scriptures state, its normal for our
flesh to embrace the impulse to use sharp,
cutting words on each other. What could be
more natural? But a godly couple doesnt
give in to this ungodly impulse because
theyve subdued their natural tendency and
obey the direct instruction of Scripture.
A soft answer turns away wrath.
~ Proverbs 15:1.
This is a small but powerful verse. Even in
the midst of rising temperatures, responding
with softness of spirit and with soft words
often derails the fleshs tendency to sin.
Pleasant words are as honeycomb, sweet to
the soul, and health to the bones.
~ Proverbs 16:24
There is no place for a sharp tongue in
any relationship and thats why you wont
find one in a Christ-honoring marriage.
Chapter 2
AGood Memory
When it comes to offenses between spouses,
a good memory is very bad.
Theres nothing quite like regularly
referencing the list of your spouses past
offenses and failures to close a heart and
prevent true intimacy and fellowship.
There is a deep-seated unkindness revealed
by the refusal to let someones past failures
remain in the past. I dont want to be an
unkind spouse, do you? In 1
st
Corinthians 13,
the Bible says, Love keeps no record of
wrongs.
So, we need to ask ourselves a question:
How loving am I, really?
Families are often famous for their
unkindness, referencing a members lesser
moments at the most inopportune times, but
when it comes to failures of ones spouse,
its far worse youre going home to bed
(more likely the couch!) with that person!
And then, theres the next day, and the day
after that.
The sheer hypocrisy of not letting go of past
offenses is another character flaw revealed
by a bad good memory. When we wont
forgive and forget our spouses offenses
(when they have been repented of and weve
said, I forgive you) what were really
saying is that, My past offenses dont count
anymore, but yours still do.
God wants us to embrace a different
perspective. In the parable of The
Unmerciful Servant, found in Matthew 18,
Jesus reveals what every spouse who was
tempted to cast up past offenses into the face
of his/her spouse should never forget.
The story is about money or, rather, talents
and denarii. One denarii was a days wage,
and it took 6,000 denarii to make one talent
(about 16 years at an average days pay).
Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be
compared to a king who wished to settle
accounts with his servants. When he began
to settle, one was brought to him who owed
him 10,000 talents. And since he could not
pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with
his wife and children and all that he had,
and payment to be made. So the servant fell
on his knees, imploring him, Have patience
with me, and I will pay you everything. And
out of pity for him, the master of that servant
released him and forgave him the debt.
But when that same servant went out, he
found one of his fellow servants who owed
him 100 denarii, and seizing him, he began
to choke him, saying, Pay what you owe.
So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded
with him, Have patience with me, and I will
pay you. He refused and went and put him
in prison until he should pay the debt. When
his fellow servants saw what had taken
place, they were greatly distressed, and they
went and reported to their master all that
had taken place. Then his master summoned
him and said to him, You wicked servant! I
forgave you all that debt because you
pleaded with me. And should not you have
had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had
mercy on you? And in anger his master
delivered him to the jailers, until he should
pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father
will do to every one of you, if you do not
forgive your brother from your heart.
It can be too easy to lightly pass over the
vital truth contained in this story Jesus told.
He wants us to understand, God has
forgiven every one of us so much more
than we could ever pay.
For the truly repentant, Hes wiped the slate
clean. The heart of the message here is, how
dare we refuse to forgive others (our spouse,
for instance) when weve been forgiven so
very much.
Gods account of His gracious forgiveness
of us is a grave warning to every spouse
who refuses to let go of past offenses.
The offense against you may feel huge is
huge in your life and experience but, if
your spouse has repented and asked for
forgiveness, thats the end of it. And, the
Father desires that you and I reflect on the
fact that the offenses committed against us
are small compared with what we are guilty
of, before God, and the greatness of Gods
total, complete forgiveness offered to us.
After we repent of our sins before God, He
doesnt then commit them to memory so
they can be thrown in our faces the next
time we need to repent.
The Bible says that God forgets our sins.
When we repent and ask forgiveness of each
other, they should never be referenced again.
Remembering and repeating past wrongs
will prevent the true fellowship that always
follows true forgiveness. Colossians 3:13
(we are called to forgive as God has
forgiven)
Do you want intimate fellowship with
your spouse? Then let a bad good
memory go missing from your marriage
because, He who covers an offense seeks
love, but he who repeats a matter separates
close friends. Proverbs 17:9
Chapter 3
Neglecting the biblical order in
marriage
In todays culture, its practically hate
speech to declare that a wife is to submit to
her husband in the way The Church is to
submit to its head, Jesus Christ. Drowning
kittens is more socially acceptable to the
spirit of the age.
But, theres something worse giving
men a pass on the subject of the biblical
order in marriage. A lot gets said about the
structure as it relates to the woman but much
less time, over the years, has been devoted
to the Christian mans responsibility. And, if
you want to know why Christian marriage is
in disarray, look no farther than the men of
the Church.
Men are basically instructed to be to their
wives as Jesus is to the Church. So, how
did/does Jesus act toward the Church, His
Bride?
a) He loved her before He knew
her. . . . while we were yet sinners,
Christ died for us. Romans 5:8 Men are
called to be faithful and sacrificial before
they are in a relationship with their wives
think emotional and sexual purity for life
before men meet their life-partner.
b) He nourishes and cherishes His
Bride. Ephesians 5:29. The English word
cherish means to treasure, value, prize,
appreciate, take pleasure in, to attach
importance to, but the biblical word
rendered cherish in English means to
make warm speaking of deep and rich
affection. Do you make your wife warm,
not sexually but does she experience a warm,
inward glow of satisfaction because of how
you value and treat her? Every Christian
husband is responsible to make his wife a
cherished woman.
c) He gave Himself. Ephesians 5:25.
The Bible says Jesus was tortured so
severely that by the time the Romans were
finished, he was barely recognizable as
human. Our crucifixes and paintings dont
do the reality justice. Flesh hung from his
bones. Until we deeply reflect on the torture
of Jesus, we wont understand the extremes
of sacrifice for our wives to which we have
been called.
Love your wife as Christ loved the Church.
Will we ever rise to the standard of love
established by our example, Jesus Christ?
Maybe not, but a man like that is much
easier to submit to and to follow than a man
who makes regular choices that says, I love
me.
The best approach is to read your own
mail.
Where God says something specific to the
wife, Christian wives should read and heed.
Where God says something specific to
husbands, Christian husbands should read
and heed.
Lets stop pointing out verses that our
spouse should be paying attention to. When
we focus on what God has said to us, we
wont have the time to focus on how others
arent measuring up to what God has called
them to do.
The Bible is increasingly out of step with the
culture no surprise there but, if you
desire to have a marriage ordered according
to Gods structure and standards, read and
live by Ephesians chapter 5.
Chapter 4
Alack of care of how each
other is doing
Even in the most deeply wounded person -
with layers of emotional armor strategically
deployed to fend off the any attempt to be
known - there is a heart that desires to
matter to someone, if only the risk of finding
out wasnt so great.
So many spouses subsist in marriages where
they know only one thing for certain: They
arent truly cared for. Its sad . . . and its
sinful. Godly love engenders a genuine
concern for ones spouse and how he/she is
doing at any given moment.
Ironically, most would readily say when
asked, Yes, I love my spouse. Many even
have deep feelings of affection, but this is
never enough because of something that
many married people forget: Your spouse is
not a mind-reader!
For some, it may be more uncomfortable
than a root canal without anesthetic, but we
simply have to make the effort to find a
meaningful channel of expression for how
we care to be communicated in a way that
our spouse can hear and understand.
It may be uncomfortable but it isnt
complicated. Communicating that love can
be as easy as finding a quiet moment and
sincerely asking, Hey, how are you
doing . . . really? Love is kind, the Bible
says. (1 Cor. 13:4) Is that how your spouse
would describe you in your interaction with
him/her?
No marriage can be godly where a lack of
care for each other is present.
Chapter 5
Taking offense quickly
Are you the person who takes offense
quickly? Who cant stand being questioned?
Who readily feels the inquiries of others are
thinly veiled challenges? Who hears in an
off-hand remark an intended slight?
For your sake and everyone around you, I
hope not because this describes the person
who Pride has by the throat with one hand
and with the other is driving away everyone
who cares about him/her.
Being touchy and taking offense quickly
are often symptoms of a wounded, insecure
heart. But, God came to bind up wounds and
to heal By his stripes you are healed, the
Word says in 1 Peter 2:24.
There are always good reasons for being
offended but being quick to take offense is
sinful and destructive. In 1
st
Corinthians 13,
the Bible says, love is not easily provoked.
So, if I am, Im not a loving person. We
need to be honest with ourselves.
God will change anyone who will allow
Him to do His redeeming work. If you are in
need of this sanctifying change, humble
yourself and ask your heavenly Father to do
the necessary surgery.
Godly spouses are slow to become angry.
1 Cor. 13:5
Chapter 6
An Unwillingness to Sustain
Difficulty
We get married, we envision our future and
then Life Happens. God didnt call us to
health, wealth, and a life filled with nothing
but happy moments. He called you and me
to faithfulness in everything.
What God has joined together, let
no man separate Mark 10:9
We never know where the twists and turns
of life will lead. But God knows and He
wants us to receive His grace for the journey,
not run in fear from an unknown future.
Here is a glimpse into a challenging chapter
of my and Lisas life from an article I wrote
last year.
At some point, the life we planned on and
reality collide.
Our first several years of marriage were
pretty much free of serious hardship oh,
things happened that we thought were
difficult but the first real challenge? That
would be the birth of our Little Sparrow.
How do you cope when the Dr. tells you
your new baby is severely brain-damaged
and is, in so many words, a vegetable?
I kept it together while he was there but
could feel a growing fire in my chest, as if
the sinews of my heart were being ripped
apart.
Daddy wants to protect.
Daddy wants to fight.
But, theres not one thing Daddy can do to
stop what was happening.
When the door clicked shut behind the
good Dr., I turned to Lisa my lover, my
friend, and oh, how we cried.
In one moment all the hopes, dreams, and
aspirations for a new little life, for our little
girl, vanished.
Have you been there, too? Or maybe youre
living there right now searching for
understanding and the strength to carry on
in the face of deepest sorrow, or a bitter
challenge.
Step 1: Remember the book of Job
He is God in the stillness and in the
storm.
God knows every detail about you including
the worst thing you are facing right now.
The book of Job gives us a peek behind the
curtain. Satan is at work in every trauma,
trouble, and trial we face but so is God.
Theres a line in an old hymn I love that goes
like this: He will sanctify to you your deepest
distress. You see, God never gives you the
grace for someone elses trials but He
always gives you the grace for what He
calls you to walk through.
Will you receive it?
He will take that trial your Enemy meant as
dark and dirty and sanctify it literally
make it clean if you trust and yield to His
light in the midst of your troubles.
In that hospital room, I knelt (fell to my
knees) beside the bed, desperately grasping
Lisas hand . . .
Oh God, I dont understand why our little
girl has to be hurt like this . . . it makes no
sense to me . . .
but I still trust you . . .
we still believe that you are good, even
though we dont see or understand.
Then we cried a lot more.
Step 2: Believe the Truth God will
never leave you or forsake you.
Matt. 28:20 . . . I am with you alway . . .
He is there, in your deepest struggle. Do we
truly believe what weve been telling
everyone we believe? Do we believe that
God is good in the shadows of life, or only in
the sunshine?
But, dont get the wrong idea. I still get
emotional over what might have been.
Sorry maybe a super Christian would just
forge ahead in total strength and conviction,
but this Daddy?
The other day when some kids were visiting,
running all over the yard and our Little
Sparrow leaned over to me and whispered
in my ear, I wish I could run, or when Im
at some event like we were, recently, where
theres a little country dancing and I see my
sweet girl in her wheel chair, her longing
eyes watching the other kids laughing and
playing . . . yeah, I still cry.
My little girls heart was made for dancing,
too.
Step 3: Hold fast to your hope
Romans 15:13 Now the God of hope fill you
with all joy and peace in believing, that ye
may abound in hope, through the power of
the Holy Ghost.
And, God knows that. He created her for His
glory which is why following the Marriage
Supper of The Lamb, Im thinking theres
going to be a big dance and Im pretty sure
Ill have to stand in line for a dance with
Little Sparrow . . . just behind Jesus,
Welcome Little Sparrow . . . may I have this
dance.
************************
Has life taken a turn you didnt anticipate
and, like Jesus wrestling in the garden, you
dont particularly want?
Not my will but yours be done.
God has called you and me to faithfulness in
the deepest struggles we face. Our flesh will
always want the easy way out but God gives
His grace for every trial.
Godly couples have settled in for the long
haul. They dont cut and run when
things get tough. Remember the old vow,
In sickness and in health?
Godly love bears all things. 1 Cor. 13:7
Chapter 7
Pride
Pride is one of the more stupid sins, not
that that keeps us from being prideful
(stupid!). It comes in endless variations but,
essentially, pride says, Notice me, talk
about me, and focus on me.
The Bible is crystal-clear on Gods
perspective on pride and thats why it is so
foolish. From the Scriptures we see plainly
that when we choose pride, we make God
our enemy. 1 Peter 5:5 we are told that God
opposes the proud. The actual word used
means that He sets Himself in battle against
(the prideful person).
Seriously? We want to take the opposite end
of the battlefield against Almighty God,
Lord of Heaven and Earth? Not a wise
choice. That is why pride is stupid.
Ever wonder how that argument with your
spouse got started? Now you look back on it,
it seems pretty silly, doesnt it? The Bible
explains where conflict comes from.
Proverbs 13:10 says, Only by pride comes
contention.
I wasnt being prideful. I was being logical,
reasonable, and sensible. It was my
husband/wife who was being disagreeable.
If we are in an argument, God says it
happened because of pride . . . not the other
persons pride. Our pride.
Pride takes you somewhere. Its like a
vehicle to get you from point A to point
B. Get in the Pride Mobile and youre
guaranteed to arrive at a specified
destination.
Proverbs 16:18 says that pride precedes
destruction and a haughty spirit precedes a
fall.
Its hardly surprising. Selecting God as ones
enemy - by choosing pride - the outcome is
predictable. But, you and I can choose
differently. God has empowered every
believer by giving His Spirit.
A godly spouse say no to the fleshly
impulse to be prideful. The first thing youll
notice about a godly spouse is, Its not
about me. That one is too busy looking for
opportunities to lift up the other to make
God their enemy.
In 1 Cor. 13:4, God says that love doesnt
boast and is not puffed up.
Chapter 8
Tearing down one another
Only a madman would walk up to his own
home with a sledgehammer and start
smashing in the walls with blow after blow.
Crazy, right?
How about if he turned the sledgehammer
on himself and brought powerful swings,
one after another, down on his shin? Not a
pretty picture time for the straitjacket.
Ungodliness in marriage will lead to just
that kind of madness destructive behavior
that is actually self-destructive. Tearing
down one another is one of the most
insidious forms of self-hatred. When we
tear down our spouse, were actually
tearing down ourselves, according to the
Word.
God desires that we should understand and
embrace His perspective on our marriage,
which can be summed up in one word:
Oneness. God meant what He said, The two
shall become one flesh.
Once youre married, youre not two
separate entities, but a single whole. God
says you are one and this is why tearing
down each other is an exercise in madness
an exercise in self-destruction.
Speaking of the care a man is to have for his
wife, the Holy Spirit, through the Apostle
Paul, says in Ephesians 5, No man (no sane
man) ever hated his own flesh . . . Its time
to leave off with madness, with the
self-loathing, with diminishing of oneself
with words that tear each other down.
This sinful habit is missing from a godly
marriage because these couples are
busy . . . too busy lifting each other up to
have the time to tear each other down.
Chapter 9
Thinking less than the best of
each other
Every one wants to be deeply trusted by
someone.
How free, comfortable, and safe it is to be in
a marriage where a negative assessment to
who you are, what youve been doing,
where youve been, when you arrived, and
the why of what transpired is not the default
response . . . because you are trusted by your
spouse.
It is the way God designed a godly marriage
- . . . the heart of her husband safely
(securely) trusts in her . . . Of course, this
goes both ways. Every wife must be able to
completely trust her husband God requires
it.
For most, such a deep level of trust doesnt
come naturally. For others, trust has been
violated and reestablishing it after
repentance of ones spouse can be
challenging. But, it can be done because
choosing to think the best of your spouse
(that spouse you have who is imperfect . . .
just like you!) is exactly that: a choice . . . a
choice to love.
Godly couples love first and ask questions
later. They assume the best of each other. 1
Cor. 13:7
Chapter 10
Taking pleasure in each
others failings
Love doesnt rejoice when someone sins
but rejoices in the truth. 1 Cor. 13:6
Its easy to get busy with life and treat
marriage like it is something that is
happening to us instead of something we are
doing. But you are doing marriage.
Yes, it takes two - but the marriage you
have is the marriage you are building.
Every husband and wife has an active role to
play in the building of his/her marriage.
You also have a role to avoid.
In John 16:8, Jesus says that the Holy Spirit
is coming (after Jesus ascends to heaven)
and will be in the world, convicting the
world of sin, righteousness, and judgment to
come. The Holy Spirit has got His job
covered. He doesnt need you to fill in as
judge, jury, and hangman (woman!)
convicting your spouse of his/her
shortcomings and how he/she isnt
following the Scriptures.
Let the Holy Spirit do the convicting. Hes
much better at His job than you are!
Avoid the temptation to point out to your
spouse those Scriptures that were intended
for him/her. If you focus on the verses that
were written specifically to you, youll be
too busy walking in obedience to the Lord
(as you explore all the ways to walk
biblically and lovingly with your spouse)
you wont have the time to focus on
(accuse!) someone else.
Maybe youve got all of these negative,
sinful behaviors removed from your
marriage. If so, thats fantastic!
But, if not, take responsibility for what you
are bringing to the marriage and take action
to ensure these things are missing from
your marriage at least for the part of the
relationship God entrusted to you . . . your
part.
And, may God bless you as you seek
to honor Him with the marriage He
entrusted to you.
More Books
by Matthew and Lisa Jacobson
100 Ways to Love
Your Wife
By Matthew L. Jacobson
100 Ways To Love Your Wife is filled with
practical ideas for pursuing love, kindness,
friendship, and appreciation in the everyday
lives of couples committed to enjoying the
best a great marriage has to offer (although
much of what's here is apropos for those
planning to be married, too!). What does it
take to have a great marriage? It's not all that
complicated - just a whole lot of decisions
that say, "I love you," rather than those that
say, "I love me." This book provides
suggestions that help demonstrate to your
spouse that she is a cherished priority in
your life.
100 Ways to Love
Your Husband
By Lisa Jacobson
What could I tell you about enjoying a great
marriage? Ahappy and loving one.
Now that weve been married for 21 years.
Weve laughed together, cried together, slept
together, raised children together, and have
walked together for over two decades. Two
people whove been loving each other for a
long time.
So women often ask me, they wonder how
its done. What has worked and what has
helped us through the hard times? What has
brought us this far? And what will keep us
loving each other in the years to come?
Whether youre newly married, have been
together for decades, or still waiting to meet
the one God has for you, Lisa Jacobson of
Club31Women.com offers practical steps on
how you can enjoy a lasting, loving
marriage too.
Join her on the life-long journey of learning
to love each other.
About the Authors
Matthew L. Jacobson
My name is Matthew (feel free to call me
Matt!) and I should start by telling you the
best thing about me. God is so good! 21
years ago, I met and married this Lady, right
here.
(Saint) Lisa. We live with our eight kids on a
small acreage in the Pacific Northwest
well, most of them, anyway. Our oldest is
off to college on the east coast. On any
given day, you can catch us in the lake, on
the river, in the garden, feeding the chickens
or the cowor reading a good book by the
fireplace.
For the past 23 years, Ive worked in the
book publishing industry as VP of
Marketing & Editorial, Multnomah Press, Sr.
Acquisitions Editor of Broadman & Holman,
and VP of Editorial, Multnomah Publishers,
founder and president of Loyal Publishing,
and then of Loyal Arts Literary Agency.
About eleven years ago, I started Loyal
Publishing where Eric and Leslie Ludy
published their bestselling book, When God
Writes Your Love Story.
After selling Loyal Publishing, I began
Loyal Arts Literary Agency, which
represents such authors as Darlene Schacht
(Time-Warp Wife), Aaron & Jennifer Smith
(UnveiledWife) Eric & Leslie Ludy, and
Kevin Malarkey (The Boy Who Came Back
From Heaven a #7 New York Times
Bestseller).
Lisa and I have written several childrens
books including the C. S. Lewis Silver
Medal winner for Childrens Literature,
How Did God Make Me?
Lisa Jacobson
Lisa is the happily-ever-after wife of
Matthew and together they enjoy raising and
home-educating their 8 children. She's also
rather fond of dark chocolate, French press
coffee, and deep friendships (though not
necessarily in that order).
You can find Lisa sharing her passion for
husband, home, and family over at
Club31Women.com.
Shes also blessed to be a part of the
blogging team at TimeWarpWife.com,
TheBetterMom.com, and ForTheFamily.org.
Her articles have been featured at
KirkCameron.com.