Fidelity, How To Create A Loving Relationship That Lasts

Table of Contents
Title Page
CHAPTER 1 - TRUE LOVE
CHAPTER 2 - INTIMACY
EMOTIONAL INTIMACY
PHYSICAL INTIMACY
SPIRITUAL INTIMACY
CHAPTER 3 - THE ROOTS OF DESIRE
NON-FEAR
CRAVING
HABIT ENERGY
COMPLEXES
RELEASING CRAVING
CHAPTER 4 - TRANSFORMING LONELINESS AND SUFFERING
ATTENTION
APPEARANCE
SUFFERING
WRONG VIEWS
SOVEREIGNTY
CHAPTER 5 - UNDERSTANDING AND FORGIVENESS
DEEP LISTENING
FORGIVENESS
CHAPTER 6 - THREE KEYS TO HAPPINESS
RELEASING OUR COWS
MINDFULNESS
CONCENTRATION
INSIGHT
CHAPTER 7 - THE FOUR ELEMENTS OF TRUE LOVE
LOVING KINDNESS
COMPASSION
JOY
EQUANIMITY
CHAPTER 8 - OUR TRUE VOW
DEEP ASPIRATION
AWAKENING TO THE BUDDHA WITHIN
FULL-TIME BUDDHA
CHAPTER 9 - FIDELITY
PUTTING DOWN DEEP ROOTS
THE FIRST ROOT: FAITH
THE SECOND ROOT: PRACTICE
THE THIRD ROOT: COMMUNITY SUPPORT
TWO GARDENS
OUR TRUE HOME
SUTRA ON THE NET OF SENSUAL LOVE
PRACTICES
A NOTE ON THE TRANSLATION
Copyright Page
As light as a cloud or fine wat er grass
Yet it can fill or empt y t he ocean of love

NGUYEN DU, Tale of Kieu

CHAPTER 1

TRUE LOVE

IN THE SITTING ROOM OF THE WESTERN Heaven Temple in Hue, Viet nam, t here are a pair
of wooden panels t hat t he monks have inscribed wit h t wo lines of verse.

Without worldly manners, with the bones of an immortal The heart of the Buddha has great
love.

This verse means t hat t he Buddha is a loving person. The kind of love t hat t he Buddha
t eaches is a love t hat is very wide and inclusive. Thanks t o his great love, t he Buddha could
embrace t he whole world.
When Siddhart ha became a Buddha, he didnt cease t o be a person who needed t o give and
receive love. In t he Buddha, just as in all of us, t here were t he seeds of sensual desire. He left
home at t he age of t went y-nine and at t ained enlight enment at t he age of t hirt y-five. Thirt y-
five is st ill very young. Most of us st ill have a lot of sensual desire at t hat age. The Buddha had
enough love, as well as enough ment al responsibilit y and awakening, t o be able t o manage his
sexual energy. We can do t his as well.
This doesnt mean t hat we dont feel sensual desire; we do. But we arent overt aken by t hat
feeling. Inst ead, we can act from a broader feeling of love. Love has it s root s t o some ext ent in
sensual desire. Sensual desire has t he capacit y t o become love in all of us. Mindfulness
pract ice doesnt sweep away or bring an end t o sensual desire. To bring such a t hing t o an end
would make us no longer human. We pract ice in order t o have t he capacit y t o deal wit h desire,
t o smile wit h desire, so t hat we may be free from it .
All human beings have t he seeds of sensual desire wit hin. Now and t hen, when it ret urns, we
can use our mindfulness and insight t o smile at t hat desire. Then, we wont be overwhelmed by
sensual desire, and we wont get t rapped.
Love can bring us happiness and peace as long as we love in such a way t hat we dont make
a net t o confine ourselves and ot hers. We can t ell t he correct way t o love because, when we
love correct ly, we dont creat e more suffering.
The Buddha spoke about t his in a t eaching called The Net of Sensual Love.
1
The word
love in t his sut ra has a somewhat negat ive connot at ion. To be caught by sensual love is t o
be like a fish t hat swims int o a t rap and cant escape. In t he sut ra, t he image of a net is used t o
describe t he loss of freedom when someone is caught and ent angled by sensual desire.
The Sut ra on t he Net of Sensual Love uses t wo charact ers t o signify love. The first means
not only t he romant ic love bet ween t wo people, but also a love for humanit y. This charact er
doesnt mean at t achment ; it means t rue love. The second charact er means craving,
covet ousness, or desire. When t he t wo charact ers occur separat ely it s very easy t o t ranslat e
t hem: on t he one side t here is love and on t he ot her side t here is desire. When we put t he
words t oget her, it describes a love t hat cont ains desire.
Alt hough t he Buddha init ially t aught t he Sut ra on t he Net of Sensual Love t o monast ics, it is
relevant for everyone. People oft en ask if it is difficult t o be a celibat e monk or nun, but t o
pract ice mindfulness as a monast ic is in many ways easier t han t o pract ice as a layperson. To
refrain from sexual act ivit y alt oget her is much easier t han t o have a healt hy sexual
relat ionship. As monast ics, we spend our t ime in pract ice and in nat ure. We dont wat ch
t elevision, read romant ic novels, or look at images in movies or magazines t hat give rise t o
sensual desire. Meanwhile, laypeople are always bombarded wit h images and music t hat feed
sexual craving. To have all t hat st imulus and st ill have a healt hy sexual relat ionship wit h
mut ual underst anding and love, you need const ant pract ice.
We are all mot ivat ed by love. Love can be our great est joy orwhen it get s confused wit h
craving and at t achment our great est suffering. By underst anding t he root s of our suffering
and learning how t o develop deep underst anding of ourselves and our loved one, we can enjoy
t he relaxat ion, joy, and peace t hat come from t rue love.
CHAPTER 2

INTIMACY

Just as a monkey jumps from one t ree t o anot her, so people jump from one prison of
sensual love t o anot her.
Sut ra on t he Net of Sensual Love, Verse 9

WE MIGHT RECOGNIZE OURSELVES in t his image of t he monkey. If we dont like somet hing
our part ner does, we just find anot her part ner. Then, when t hat part ner inevit ably does
somet hing we dont like, we move on t o t he next .
We all want love and underst anding, but we oft en confuse love wit h desire. Love and desire
are different . When t hey get mixed up t oget her, we need t o look at t hem deeply and make an
effort t o sort t hem out ! There are t hree kinds of int imacy: physical, emot ional, and spirit ual.
Physical int imacy cant be separat ed from emot ional int imacy; we always feel some emot ional
int imacy when were sexual, even if we profess not t o. When spirit ual int imacy is t here, t hen
physical and emot ional int imacy can be healt hy, healing, and pleasurable.
EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

Every one of us is seeking emot ional int imacy. We want t o be in harmony.We want t o have real
communicat ion and mut ual underst anding. Alt hough physical desire is not love, it is impossible
t o have physical int imacy wit hout emot ional int imacy because body and mind are not t wo
separat e ent it ies. What happens in t he body will have an effect on t he mind and vice versa.
The mind cant exist wit hout a body t o hold it and t he body relies on t he mind t o move and t o
funct ion. There should be no dist inct ion bet ween respect ing your body and respect ing your
mind, because your body is you. Your loved ones body is also her mind.You cant respect one
part of her wit hout respect ing t he ot her.
I know a musician who for many years went out t o part ies every weekend t o list en t o music,
drink, and dance. At t he beginning of t he evening, t hese part ies would be joyful and open-
heart ed. People would be smiling and relat ing t o one anot her. But near midnight , people would
close up. They st art ed focusing only on finding someone t o bring home wit h t hem t hat night .
The music, alcohol, and t he food wat ered seeds of sexual desire in t hem. The next morning,
many of t hem would wake up next t o a virt ual st ranger. They would say good-bye and part
ways, wit hout remembering what t hey had shared in body and mind in privat e t he night before.
The following week, he would go t hrough t he same cycle again at anot her part y. But no mat t er
how many part ies he went t o or how many people he slept wit h, he couldnt find t he emot ional
well-being he was seeking, or fill t he void he felt inside.
PHYSICAL INTIMACY

Every living t hing want s t o cont inue int o t he fut ure. This is t rue of humans, as well as of all
ot her animals. Sex and sexual reproduct ion are part of life. Sex can bring great pleasure and
enrich a deep connect ion bet ween t wo people. We shouldnt be against sex, but we also
shouldnt confuse it wit h love. True love doesnt necessarily have t o do wit h sex. We can love
perfect ly wit hout sex and we can have sex wit hout love.
Spirit ual awakening isnt t he exclusive provenance of celibacy. There are people who are
celibat e but who dont have enough mindfulness, concent rat ion, and insight . When people in
int imat e relat ionships have mindfulness, concent rat ion, and insight , t heir relat ionships have an
element of holiness. Sexual int imacy shouldnt occur before t here is communion,
underst anding, and sharing on t he emot ional and spirit ual level.
The human body is beaut iful. The t ree, t he flower, t he snow, t he river, and t he willow are also
beaut iful. We are surrounded by beaut y, including t he humans and animals t hat populat e t he
Eart h. But we have t o learn how t o t reat beaut y so t hat we dont dest roy it .
Our societ y is organized in such a way t hat sensual pleasure seems t he most import ant
t hing. Producers and manufact urers want t o sell t heir product s. So t hey advert ise t heir goods
and wat er t he seed of craving in you. They want you t o be caught by t he desire for sensual
pleasure.
When were lonely and cut off, when we suffer and need healing, t hat is t he t ime t o come
home t o ourselves. We may also need t o be close t o anot her person. But if, right away, were
sexually int imat e wit h someone weve just met , t hat relat ionship wont heal or warm us. It will
just be a dist ract ion. When were t rapped by sensual love, we spend our t ime worrying t hat t he
ot her person will leave or bet ray us.
Loneliness cant be dissipat ed by sexual act ivit y. You cant heal yourself by having sex. You
have t o learn how t o be comfort able wit h yourself and focus on making your own home wit hin.
Once you have a spirit ual pat h, you have a home. Once you can deal wit h your emot ions and
handle t he difficult ies of your daily life, t hen you have somet hing t o offer t o anot her person.
The ot her person has t o do t he same t hing. Bot h people have t o heal on t heir own so t hey feel
at ease in t hemselves; t hen t hey can become a home for each ot her. Ot herwise, all t hat we
share in physical int imacy is our loneliness and suffering.
SPIRITUAL INTIMACY

Spirit ualit y doesnt mean a belief in a specific spirit ual t eaching. Everyone needs a spirit ual
dimension in his or her life. Wit hout a spirit ual dimension, we cant deal wit h t he daily difficult ies
we encount er. Mindfulness can be an import ant aspect of your spirit ual pat h, whet her or not
you are a religious pract it ioner.
Your spirit ual pract ice can help you deal wit h your st rong emot ions. It can help you t o list en
t o and embrace your own suffering, and help you t o recognize and embrace t he suffering of
your part ner and loved ones. Spirit ual int imacy wit h your part ner helps creat e emot ional
int imacy and makes your physical int imacy more fulfilling. The t hree kinds of int imacy are
int erconnect ed.
CHAPTER 3

THE ROOTS OF DESIRE

Blinded by at t achment , sooner or lat er we fall int o sensual love. Anxiet y mount s day by
day, just as wat er fills a pond drop by drop.

IF WE CONTINUE TO CULTIVATE sensual love, t hen inevit ably we arrive at sexual craving and
desire. We shouldnt underest imat e sensual love. When it arises, we should pay at t ent ion t o it
right at t he beginning.
Every human being want s t o love and be loved. This is very nat ural. But oft en love, desire,
need, and fear get wrapped up all t oget her. There are so many songs wit h t he words, I love
you; I need you. Such lyrics imply t hat loving and craving are t he same t hing, and t hat t he
ot her person is just t here t o fulfill our needs. We might feel we cant survive wit hout t he ot her
person. When we say, Darling, I cant live wit hout you. I need you, we t hink were speaking t he
language of love. We even feel it s a compliment t o t he ot her person. But t hat need is act ually
a cont inuat ion of t he original fear and desire t hat have been wit h us since we were small
children.
As babies, we were helpless. We had arms and feet , but we couldnt use t hem t o go
anywhere. There was very lit t le we could do for ourselves. We went from having been in a very
warm, wet , comfort able place inside t he womb t o being in a cold hard place full of harsh light . In
order t o breat he our first breat h, we had t o first expel t he liquid from our lungs. It was a
dangerous moment .
Our original desire is t o survive. And our original fear is t hat no one will be t here t o t ake care
of us. Before we could t alk or underst and language, we knew t hat t he sound of foot st eps
coming closer meant someone would feed and care for us. This made us happy; we really
needed t hat person.
As newborns, we could dist inguish t he smell of our mot her or t he person t aking care of us.
We knew t he sound of her voice. We came t o love t hat smell and t hat sound. That s t he first ,
original love, born from our need; it s complet ely nat ural.
When we grow up and look for a part ner, t he original desire t o survive is st ill t here in many of
us. We t hink t hat wit hout someone else, we cant survive. We might be looking for a part ner,
but t he child in us is looking for t hat feeling of safet y and comfort we had when our parent or
caregiver arrived.
When we were infant s, t he smell of our mot her was t he most wonderful smell in t he world,
because we needed her. In Asia, people use t he nose more t han t he mout h when t hey kiss
each ot her. They recognize and enjoy t he smell of t he ot her person.
We might relax int o a relat ionship, t hinking, Im okay now, because I have someone t o love
me and support me. But t he infant in us is saying, Now I can relax; my caregiver is here. That
feeling of joy does not come simply from a t rue appreciat ion of t he presence of t he ot her
person. Rat her, we are happy and peaceful because wit h t his person we can feel safe and at
ease. Lat er on, when our relat ionship becomes difficult , we arent relaxed anymore, and
happiness is no longer t here.
Fear and desire are connect ed. Out of our original fear came a desire for t he person who
made us feel comfort able and safe. An infant feels, Im helpless; I have no means t o t ake care
of myself. Im vulnerable. I need someone, ot herwise Ill die. Unless we recognize, t ake care of,
and release t hose feelings, t heyll cont inue t o det ermine t he decisions we make. If, as adult s,
we cont inue t o feel insecure and unsafe, t his is t he cont inuat ion of t he original fear t hat we
havent yet recognized and underst ood.
NON-FEAR

When desire st ops, t here is no more fear. We are t hen t ruly free, peaceful, and happy.
When t he pract it ioner has no more desire, nor any int ernal format ions, he has freed
himself from t he abyss.

Most of us walk around afraid of separat ion from our loved ones, afraid of loneliness, and afraid
of not hingness. Our great est fear is t hat when we die we will become not hing. Many of us
believe t hat our ent ire exist ence is only a single life span from t he moment we are born unt il
t he moment we die. We believe t hat we are born from not hing and when we die we become
not hing.
We get filled wit h t he fear of annihilat ion. But annihilat ion is just a not ion. Buddha t aught
t hat t here is no birt h; t here is no deat h; t here is no coming; t here is no going; t here is no same;
t here is no different ; t here is no permanent self. If we pract ice medit at ion, we can generat e t he
energies of mindfulness and concent rat ion. These energies will lead us t o t he insight t hat
t here is no birt h and no deat h. We can t ruly remove our fear of deat h. When we underst and
t hat we cannot be dest royed, we are liberat ed from fear. It is a great relief. Non-fear is t he
ult imat e joy.
If you have fear, you cant have happiness. If youre st ill running aft er t he object of your
desire, t hen you st ill have fear. The fear goes t oget her wit h craving. If you st op t he craving, t he
fear will go away nat urally.
Somet imes youre fearful, but you dont know why. The Buddha says t he reason youre
fearful is because youre st ill craving. If you st op running aft er t he object of your craving, youll
have no fear. Having no fear, you can be peaceful. Wit h peace in your body and mind, you
arent beset by worries and you have fewer accident s. You are free.
One of t he great est gift s we can offer t o ot her people is t o embody non-fear and
nonat t achment . This t rue t eaching is more precious t han money or mat erial resources. Fear
dist ort s our lives and makes us miserable. We cling t o object s and people, like a drowning
person clinging t o a float ing log. By pract icing nonat t achment and sharing t his wisdom wit h
ot hers, we give t he gift of non-fear. Everyt hing is impermanent . This moment passes. That
person walks away. Happiness is st ill possible.
When we love someone, we should look deeply int o t he nat ure of t hat love. True love
doesnt cont ain suffering or at t achment . It brings well-being t o ourselves and ot hers. True love
is generat ed from wit hin. Wit h t rue love, you feel complet e in yourself; you dont need
somet hing from out side. True love is like t he sun, shining wit h it s own light , and offering t hat
light t o everyone.
CRAVING

The root s of sensual love are deep and firm. The t ree may be cut , yet t he branches and
leaves sprout again.

My dear sensual desire, I know your source. The desiring mind comes from want s and
wrong percept ions.

In verse 31 of t he sut ra, t he Buddha calls our desire by it s t rue name: craving. Alt hough we
want love and healing, we st ill follow our sensual cravings. Why? The craving makes knot s in
t he deeper part of our mind. The int ernal knot s push us. Somet imes we dont want t o move,
speak, or act like t hat . But somet hing deep inside us pushes us t o speak and act in t hat way.
Aft erward, we feel so ashamed. That int ernal knot is ordering us around. It pushes us t o do and
say t hings against our will. And when weve done it , it s t oo lat e, and we feel deeply sorry. We
say t o ourselves, How could I have said or done t hat ? But it s already done. The root of t hat
craving is our habit energy. When we look deeply at it , we can begin t o unt ie t he knot .
HABIT ENERGY

The mind of sensual love is like a st ream of wat er following t he course of habit energy and
pride. Our t hought s and percept ions become t aint ed by t he hues of sensual love; we hide
t he t rut h from ourselves and cannot see it .

Habit energy is t here in all of us in t he form of seeds t ransmit t ed from our ancest ors, our
grandparent s, and our parent s, as well as seeds creat ed by t he difficult ies we ourselves have
experienced. Oft en were unaware of t hese energies operat ing in us. We may want t o be in a
commit t ed relat ionship but our habit energies can color our percept ions, direct our behaviors,
and make our lives difficult .
Wit h mindfulness, we can become aware of t he habit energy t hat has been passed down t o
us. We might see t hat our parent s or grandparent s were also very weak in similar ways. We
can be aware wit hout judgment t hat our negat ive habit s come from t hese ancest ral root s. We
can smile at our short comings, at our habit energy.
Perhaps in t he past when weve not iced ourselves doing somet hing unint ent ional,
somet hing we may have inherit ed, weve blamed our individual, isolat ed selves. Wit h
awareness, we can begin t o see our act ions have deeper root s and we can t ransform t hese
habit energies.
Wit h t he pract ice of mindfulness, we recognize t he habit ual nat ure of our desire. Mindfulness
and concent rat ion can help us look and find t he root s of our act ions. Our act ions may have
been inspired by somet hing t hat happened yest erday, or t hey may have been inspired by
somet hing t hree hundred years old t hat has it s root s in one of our ancest ors.
When were able t o smile at a provocat ion or direct our sexual energy t owards somet hing
posit ive, we can be aware of our abilit y, appreciat e it , and cont inue in t his way. The key is t o be
aware of our act ions. Our mindfulness will help us underst and where our act ions are coming
from.
If we arent yet able t o t ransform t hat habit energy, we will come out of t he prison of one
relat ionship only t o fall int o t he prison of anot her. It s common pract ice, when we encount er
difficult y and suffering wit h our part ner or spouse, t o t hink we need t o separat e or divorce. By
get t ing away from t he ot her person, we t hink well have freedom. We t hink t hat person is t he
cause of our suffering. But t he t rut h is t hat even t hough we may feel freer right aft er t he
divorce or separat ion, we oft en get ent angled immediat ely wit h someone else. We may st ick t o
t his new person, but we end up act ing just like we did wit h t he last one. We are t he vict ims of
our own habit s. The way we t hink, speak, and act has not changed. What we did t o cause
suffering t o t he first person, we now do t o cause suffering t o someone new, and we creat e a
second hell.
But if we are aware of our act ions, we can decide whet her or not t hey are beneficial and if
not , we can decide not t o repeat t hem. If were aware of t he habit energies in us and can
become more int ent ional in our t hought s, speech, and act ions, t hen we can t ransform not only
ourselves, but also our ancest ors who plant ed t he seeds. If were able t o do t hat , it means our
ancest ors are also able t o smile at what is provoking t hem. If one person keeps calm and
smiles at a provocat ion, t he whole world will have a bet t er chance for peace.
COMPLEXES

Pride is a current t hat runs along wit h habit energy. Our pride is oft en connect ed t o our sense
of sexual self-wort h. When a person is at t ract ed t o us, we have t he impression t hat our self-
pride is sat isfied. We feel we have some value, some at t ract iveness, some good qualit ies and
t hat is why t he ot her person is at t ached t o us. We want t o be wit h someone t o prove t hat we
are t alent ed and beaut iful. If were alone, we oft en t hink t hat it s proof t hat were not
int erest ing or pret t y enough, and we suffer.
Were always comparing. Our t hought s are reinforced by t he images we const ant ly see
around us and by our superficial view of ot hers. We t hink were bet t er or worse t han someone,
or else were focused on t rying t o be equal t o t hat person. These t hree complexesbet t er
t han, worse t han, and equal t oare int imat ely connect ed wit h our sexual energy.
Maint aining our idea of a separat e self is t he source of all of our complexes. We see
ourselves as separat e individuals, so we compare ourselves wit h ot hers t o see if we are bet t er,
worse, or equal t o t hem. But looking deeply, we see t hat t here is no self wit h which t o compare.
Our dualist ic t hinking is t he basis of our at t achment and craving.
We have t wo hands and we have names for t hem, right hand and left hand. Have you ever
seen t he t wo hands fight ing each ot her? I have never seen t his. Every t ime my left hand get s
hurt , I not ice t hat my right hand comes nat urally t o help. So t here must be somet hing like love
in t he body. Somet imes my hands help each ot her, somet imes t hey each act separat ely, but
t hey have never fought .
My right hand invit es t he bell, writ es books, does calligraphy, and pours t ea. But my right
hand doesnt look down on t he left hand and say, Oh left hand, you are good for not hing. All
t he poems, I wrot e t hem. All t hat calligraphy in German, French, and EnglishIve done it all.
You are useless. You are good for not hing. The right hand has never suffered from t he
complex of pride. The left hand has never suffered from t he complex of unwort hiness. It s
wonderful. When t he right hand has a problem, t he left hand comes right away. The right hand
never says, You have t o pay me back. I always come t o help you. You owe me.
The sut ra t alks about how t he st ream of desire flows along wit h t he st ream of our
complexes. We want t o prove t hat we are someone, t hat we are wort hy, t hat we have value,
so we look for someone t o approve of us and in t his way we pull ot hers int o t he suffering
caused by at t achment . This is a pit y. When we can see our part ner as not separat e from us,
not bet t er or worse or even equal t o ourselves, t hen we have t he wisdom of nondiscriminat ion.
We see t he happiness of ot hers as our happiness, t heir suffering as our suffering.
Look at your hand. The fingers are like five brot hers and sist ers of t he same family. Suppose
were a family of five. When we remember t hat if one person suffers, we all suffer, we have t he
wisdom of nondiscriminat ion. If t he ot her person is happy, we are also happy.
Very few people know how t o see love and romance in t erms of impermanence and nonself.
Realizing nonself, we can see ourselves in our beloveds, and see t hem in ourselves. At t hat
point we become healt hy, light , and happy. To belit t le or praise our loved ones is also t o belit t le
or praise ourselves. Nonself is an insight t hat can help resolve t he problem of sexual desire.
Inst ead of denying love, we can view love in light of t he insight of nonself.
To love, in t he t rue sense of t he word, is t o feel no discriminat ion. We should have t he
element of equanimit y, so t hat we can love wit hout boundaries. Equanimit y is t he absence of
t he t hree complexesbet t er, worse, and equal. We no longer discriminat e. We are able t o
embrace everyt hing and we no longer suffer. When t here is love wit hout discriminat ion, t here is
also an absence of suffering.
RELEASING CRAVING

The st ream of t he mind cont inues t o flow freely, allowing t he knot s of sensual love t o
burgeon and snag. Only real insight is capable of discerning t his realit y clearly, helping us
t o cut t hrough it s root s in our mind.

Some t ime aft er t he Buddha was enlight ened, he went back t o his nat ive kingdom. He saw
t hat t he polit ical sit uat ion was very bad. His fat her had already passed away and many of t he
high government officials were corrupt . Mara, t he embodiment of craving, appeared and said,
Buddha, you are t he best polit ician in t he world. If you decide t o become king, you can save
t he sit uat ion in your nat ive count ry; you can save t he whole world. The Buddha said, Mara,
my old friend, many condit ions are needed for t he sit uat ion t o change; it s not just a mat t er of
who is king. I abandoned t his kingdom seven years ago in order t o pract ice. Since t hat t ime, I
have discovered so many t hings; I can help count less people, many more t han I could help if I
were t o become king.
That pushing desire in each of us is Mara. The Mara inside us says, Youre good; youre t he
best . But when Mara says t hese t hings, we have t o recognize t hat t hey come from Mara. I
know you; you are my Mara. Each of us has many Maras inside. They come and t alk t o us. As
soon as we recognize t hat negat ive energy, we can say, My dear Mara, I know t hat you are
t here. You cant pull me.
When sensual desire arises, you can say, My dear sensual love, I know your root . You come
from desire based on my wrong percept ions. But now I dont have t hat craving, and you cant
t ouch me. Even if you are t here, you cant pull me. I dont have any more wishes, and I have no
more wrong percept ions about you. So how can you arise?
Now you are like t he fish who already knows t he hook is in t he bait . You know t he bait isnt a
source of nourishment , and you are no longer caught by it . Your percept ion is clear. You are
awakened, and you cant be pulled by t his and t hat .
When we let go of our complexes and look deeply at our habit energy, our cravings
disappear.We can undo t he ordering energy, t he pushing knot . We come out of t he abyss.
Looking deeply, we underst and bet t er. We can undo all t he int ernal knot s, and t hen we are
free.
CHAPTER 4

TRANSFORMING LONELINESS AND SUFFERING

EACH OF US HAS A DEEP DESIRE TO know and underst and t he world and t o be known and
underst ood in ret urn. That is a deep nat ural t hirst . But oft en t his t hirst causes us t o wait for
somet hing out side of ourselves.
Oft en, weve had no t ime t o underst and ourselves before weve already found object s for
our love. Or, we cont inue t o wait for somet hing t hat will make us feel fulfilled. This is one
our love. Or, we cont inue t o wait for somet hing t hat will make us feel fulfilled. This is one
reason many of us in indust rialized count ries are now const ant ly on our phones or checking
our email.
All of us feel lonely and empt y inside somet imes. When we have t hese feelings, we t ry t o fill
t he vacuum by consuming food or alcohol, or by engaging in sexual act ivit y. Yet , even while we
are enjoying t hese t hings, t he empt y feeling not only persist s but becomes deeper t han before.
We can t ransform t his feeling of loneliness only when we t ruly underst and ourselves and our
loved ones.
Even if t wo people have a baby t oget her, t hey are st ill separat e. Each of us remains in
isolat ion. It s not by living t oget her, or by having sexual relat ions, or even by having children
t oget her t hat we can dispel t his feeling of isolat ion. We can only dispel our mut ual isolat ion
when we pract ice mindfulness and are able t o t ruly come home t o ourselves and each ot her.
ATTENTION

By imprisoning ourselves in sensual love, we are like a silkworm weaving it s own cocoon.
The wise are able t o cut t hrough and let go of t he percept ions t hat lead t o desires.
Indifferent t o t he object of sensual love, t hey can avoid all suffering.

The sut ra uses t he image of a silkworm winding t he st rands of a cocoon around it self so it can
sleep. The silkworm creat es it s own cocoon. We make our own cocoon by choosing where t o
put our at t ent ion. There are different kinds of at t ent ion. There is t he kind of at t ent ion t hat
helps us, such as when we pay at t ent ion t o our breat hing or t o t he sound of t he bell. That is
called appropriat e at t ent ion. The object of our at t ent ion det ermines whet her we are peaceful
or not . For example, when were aware of t he sound of t he bell, our minds nat urally set t le down
and become calm.
Feelings can be pleasant or unpleasant . When we see a form or hear a sound, we recognize
it and we have a feeling and a percept ion about it . Our feeling leads t o a percept ion.
Percept ion follows and belongs wit h feeling. We t hink somet hing is ugly or beaut iful, pleasant
or unpleasant . To have a pleasant sensat ion is t o have a happy feeling; t o have an unpleasant
sensat ion is t o have a feeling of suffering.
Oft en our percept ions are incorrect . We get in t ouch wit h an object and t hink t hat it
embodies love, happiness, a self, or purit y. We t end t o t hink t hat love is somet hing sent iment al
t hat will fill t he empt iness inside us. We blame our suffering on anot her person or group, or on
bad luck, but out side condit ions are not t he reason it appears. Our suffering was already t here.
The birt h of a human being is not a beginning but a cont inuat ion. When were born, all t he
different kinds of seedsseeds of goodness, cruelt y, awakeningare already inside us.
Whet her t he goodness or t he cruelt y in us is revealed depends on which seeds we cult ivat e by
our act ions and our ways of life. There are real painful feelings, st rong emot ions, and t roubling
percept ions t hat agit at e us or make us afraid. Wit h t he energy of mindfulness, we can spend
t ime wit h t hese difficult feelings wit hout running away. We can embrace t hem t he way a
parent embraces a child, saying t o t hem, Darling, I am here for you; I have come back; Im going
t o t ake care of you. In t his way, we t ake care of our emot ions, feelings, and percept ions.
APPEARANCE

Our mind dispersed, we t end t o see t he object of sensual love as somet hing pure, ignorant
t hat t his growing at t achment will remove all freedom and bring much suffering.

Those who are mindful are able t o see t he impure nat ure of t he object of t heir sensual
love. That is why t hey can let go of t heir desires, escape t he jail, and avoid t he misfort unes
of old age and deat h.

As a cult ure, we place great st ock in ext ernal appearance. Our at t achment t o physical beaut y
is somet hing t hat we need t o let go of, yet it seems t hat t he majorit y of people are racing
t oward it . In t he major cit ies of t he world, you can see t his clearly. St ores t hat sell cosmet ics
grow like mushrooms, full of product s t hat promise t o make us beaut iful or fashionable. People
go t o doct ors t o change t heir bodies or faces. They rely on knives or chemicals t o cut or adjust
cert ain part s of t heir bodies, wit h t he idea t hat t his will somehow make t hem more at t ract ive.
If we see an image and are seduced by it , it is because we dont know how t o cont emplat e
impermanence. Ignorant , we t hink t hat t hat form is wholesome and beaut iful. We dont
know t hat appearance doesnt cont ain anyt hing real and long-last ing wit hin it .

Everyone want s t heir out er appearance t o be more appealing, but t here is not hing last ing or
aut hent ic about appearance. St ill, we are seduced by our own reflect ion and t he out er
appearance of ot hers. One t hing we know for sure is t hat our appearance and bodily form will
change, so t here is no use being at t ached t o it . There are hundreds of magazines and
websit es t hat t ell us t hat in order t o succeed, we have t o look like t his or t hat and use t his or
t hat kind of product . Many people suffer so much because t hey cant accept t heir bodies. They
want t o look different so t hey will be accept ed.
Accept ing your body is crucial for your peace and freedom. Every human being is born as a
flower in t he garden of humanit y. And flowers differ from each ot her. If you cant accept your
body and your mind, you cant be a home for yourself. Many young people dont accept who
t hey are, and yet t hey want t o be a home for someone else. But how can t hey be if t heyre not
yet a home for t hemselves?
Ive writ t en a calligraphy t hat says, Be beaut iful; be yourself, which is a very import ant
pract ice. When you pract ice building a home in yourself, you become more and more beaut iful.
You radiat e your inner peace, warmt h, and joy.
When our mind experiences pleasure, t he five desires arise. The real hero quickly put s an
end t o t hese desires.

When somet hing is pleasant , lovely, and appealing, were caught by it . But appealing
appearances are decept ive. We get hooked by t hem and once were caught , we suffer.
The Buddha once described someone who is very t hirst y and sees a glass of fresh wat er. He
t hinks t hat if he drinks t hat wat er, hell be sat isfied. Looking closer, he sees t heres a label
saying t he wat er is poison. If someone drinks it , t hat person will die. But t he wat er looks so
clear, fresh, and fragrant . A wise person would say Id bet t er not drink t hat wat er. Ill find
anot her source. But for many of us, t he appearance is so appealing, we say, Ill drink it . If I die,
at least Ill die sat isfied.
We have wisdom; we have underst anding. We know t hat if we drink t he poisonous wat er, we
will die. But we drink it anyway. There are many of us like t hat , ready t o die for somet hing t hat
seems very appealing. Yet t here are so many sources t hat could sat isfy our t hirst wit hout
endangering us.
The Buddha gave anot her example, t hat of a fish swimming in a pond. The fish sees an
appealing piece of bait , and when it s about t o bit e, anot her fish says, No, dont do it ; t heres
somet hing inside t hat will hook you. I know because it happened t o me. But t he ot her fish is
young, inexperienced, and full of energy. He says, No! It s so appealing, I want t o eat it . Ill
survive like you did. The desire is so st rong; Were willing t o risk danger. Many young people
say, I want t o feel good. Ill t ake responsibilit y, no mat t er what t he consequences are. But
while t aking t he bait might be pleasant for a few minut es, it will bring suffering soon enough.
SUFFERING

Sensual love inflict s us wit h suffering and t ies us t o worldly life. Worries and misfort unes
caused by sensual love develop day and night like an invasive grass wit h t angled root s.

The grass referred t o in t his verse is t he grass used for t hat ching roofs. In t he Pali t ext , it s
called dirana. It s t angled root s are woven t oget her, but it s shoot s look sweet and so people
want t o just pick t he shoot s. Underneat h t he eart h, t he grass grows very quickly and t he root s
become t angled in a mat . If we just wat er t his grass and pick only t he shoot s, it cont inues it s
t angled growt h. We need t o dig up t he root s complet ely so t hat t he weed cannot come up
again.
Most of us have t ast ed t he suffering of sexual craving. We feel st uck in our relat ionship, in
our work, and we t hink t hat sat isfying our sensual desire will set us free. But it is t his desire
t hat is causing our worries and misfort unes. Worries and misfort unes are always t here when
we are ruled by sensual love. Even money and power will not prot ect us.
Most of us t ry t o run away from our own suffering. We t ry t o cover up t he suffering inside
and fill our feeling of empt iness by means of consumpt ion. We consume food, music, or sex.
Somet imes we drive or t alk on t he t elephone in order t o forget our suffering. The market place
provides us wit h many ways t o run away from ourselves. But running away doesnt help.
It t akes courage t o recognize what isnt working and t o list en deeply t o t he suffering inside.
We can use t he energy of mindfulness, generat ed by breat hing and walking, t o get t he
st rengt h and courage t o go home t o ourselves, recognize t he suffering inside, and embrace it
t enderly. We can list en deeply t o our suffering and even respond t o it , saying, My suffering, I
know you are t here. I have come home, and I will t ake care of you.
There are t imes when we suffer and we dont know why. We dont know t he nat ure of t he
suffering. That suffering may have been t ransmit t ed t o us by our parent s or our ancest ors.
They may not have been able t o t ransform t heir suffering, and now t hey have t ransmit t ed it t o
us. First , we just acknowledge t hat it is t here inside us. If we dont list en t o our own suffering,
we wont underst and it , and we wont have compassion for ourselves. Compassion is t he
element t hat helps heal us. Only when we have compassion for ourselves, can we t ruly list en
t o anot her person.
So we embrace our pain, sorrow, and loneliness wit h t he energy of mindfulness. The
underst anding and insight born from t his pract ice will help t ransform t he suffering inside us. We
feel light er; we begin t o feel warmt h and peace inside. That benefit s us, and it benefit s t he
ot her person as well. Then, when t he ot her person joins you in building a home, you have an
ally. You are helping him, and he is helping you.
WRONG VIEWS

Those who are great and wise accomplish t he way, liberat ing t hemselves from all
at t achment and suffering, emancipat ing t hemselves from all discriminat ion, and
t ranscending all dualist ic views.

The pat h of liberat ion is open t o you; why would you t ake cords t o bind yourself and ot hers?
The t rue t eaching is t hat this lies in that; you cannot t ake t his out of t hat . If a piece of drift wood
is st uck on t he side of t he river, t hen it st ops. It cant cont inue and will not reach t he ocean. It
doesnt mat t er on which side of t he river you are st uck, youre st ill st uck. Moving t hrough t he
cent er, not at t ached t o any shore, is called t aking t he middle way.
According t o t he Buddha, t here are four wrong views (viparyasa). Viparyasa means t o t urn
upside down, or t o reverse. All our suffering is caused by t hese four views t hat are cont rary t o
t he t rut h. The first wrong view is permanence (nitya). Things are impermanent (anitya) but we
see t hem as permanent . The second wrong view is happiness (sukha). Somet imes t here is
suffering (dukkha) but we t hink it is happiness. For example, we t hink drugs or alcohol make us
happy, or when were beginning an affair, we t hink it will bring us last ing happiness but inst ead
it causes us and our loved ones t o suffer.
The t hird wrong view is self (atman). People do not have a separat e exist ence, just as a
flower does not have a separat e exist ence. The cloud is in t he flower. The fat her is in t he child.
To see t his t rut h is t o see nonself. When we fully grasp nonself, we have no more at t achment .
When were caught in dualist ic t hinking, in not ions of t his and t hat , t hen we see fat her and son
as t wo different ident it ies; we see body and consciousness, birt h and deat h as t wo separat e
t hings.
The Buddha said, Not hing is born or dies; Not hing is or is not ; Not hing comes or goes. Birt h
and deat h, and coming and going, exist only in our mind. Scient ist s can see t his t rut h, even if
only int ellect ually. The French chemist Ant oine Lavoisier said, Not hing is lost ; not hing is
creat ed; everyt hing is t ransformed.
When we observe a flower or a cloud, we can see t heres no birt h and no deat h, no coming
and no going. Birt h and deat h are simply t he out ward appearance of t hings. When we look
more deeply we see t hat not hing is born and not hing dies. When we fully accept t his, well have
no more fear of what comes and goes. The Christ ian myst ics t ouch t his t rut h and express it as
rest ing in God. In Buddhism we call it nirvana. If we want t o arrive at nirvana, we must let go
of our dualist ic views of birt h and deat h, coming and going, subject and object , and inside and
out side. Our biggest obst acle is our dualist ic view. Some people say t hat God is t he creat or
and t hat t he world is his creat ion. Seeing t he creat or and t he creat ion as t wo separat e t hings
is a dualist ic view.
The last wrong view is purit y (shuddhi). We like t o keep t hings separat e, so we dont see t he
compost t hat helps make t he garden, t he mud t hat helps grow t he lot us, or t he dirt , sweat , and
blood t hat help creat e a diamond. It s not pure but we t hink it is pure. This oft en happens when
we go looking for an affair or a relat ionship. We t hink t hat because we find someone at t ract ive,
t hey have some kind of purit y t hat is meaningful t o us. But every person is made up of t he pure
and t he impure, garbage as well as flowers.
When we are able t o look deeply and let go of permanence, happiness, self, and purit y, we
arrive at insight . Wit h t his insight , inst ead of idealizing t he object of our sensual desire, we can
dist inguish his or her t rue nat ure. We see t hat in essence he or she is impermanent , wit hout a
self, and impurejust like us.
SOVEREIGNTY

When t he mind goes in t he direct ion of sensual love, t he t ree of sexual love springs up and
quickly sprout s buds. The mind becomes dispersed because t he object of sensual love
generat es a violent fire in us. Those who look for sensual love are like monkeys jumping
from branch t o branch in search of fruit s.

By t ying ourselves up in t he net of sensual love, or t aking shelt er under it s umbrella, we
bind ourselves t o t he cycle of at t achment , like a fish swimming int o his own t rap.

Most of us live in environment s where we have numerous opport unit ies t o become busy and
burdened. We go from event t o event , from person t o person, and t he environment quickly
pulls us away from mindfulness pract ice. We may have a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a part ner, or a
spouse, yet we st ill have unfulfilled sensual desires. It compels us t o leave t hat person t o follow
anot her. The monkey swings from branch t o branch in search of fruit . It eat s one first , but it st ill
craves anot her. Wit hout delusion and craving, we wouldnt be caught by desire.
It s not ot her people who confine us; we confine ourselves. If we feel t rapped, it s due t o our
own act ions. No one is forcing us t o t ie ourselves up. We t ake t he net of love and we wrap
ourselves in it . We t ake t he umbrella of love t o cover ourselves up. We become like a fish going
int o t he opening of a t rap. There is a t radit ional Viet namese bamboo t rap wit h t wo openings.
Going in is easy; going out is difficult .
At t he moment of his awakening at t he foot of t he bodhi t ree, t he Buddha declared, How
st rangeall beings possess t he capacit y t o be awakened, t o underst and, t o love, and t o be
freeyet t hey dont know it and t hey allow t hemselves t o be carried away on t he ocean of
suffering. He saw t hat day and night we seek what is already t here wit hin us. We can call it
Buddha nat ure or awakened nat ure, t he t rue freedom t hat is t he foundat ion of all peace and
happiness. The capacit y t o be enlight ened isnt somet hing t hat someone else can offer t o you.
It s already t here inside.
Each one of us is sovereign over t he t errit ory of our own being and t he five element s we are
made of: form (t he body), feelings, percept ions, ment al format ions, and consciousness. Our
pract ice is t o look deeply int o t hese five element s and discover t he t rue nat ure of our being
t he t rue nat ure of our suffering, our happiness, our peace, and our fearlessness.
But most of us have run away from our own t errit ory and allowed conflict s and disorder t o
arise. Weve been t oo afraid t o go back t o our t errit ory and face t he difficult ies and suffering.
Whenever we have fift een free minut es, an hour or t wo, we have t he habit of using our
comput ers or cell phones, music, or conversat ions t o forget and t o run away from t he realit y of
t he element s t hat make up our beings. We t hink, Im suffering t oo much. I have t oo many
problems. I dont want t o go back t o t hem anymore.
In order t o claim our sovereign t errit ory and t ransform t he element s we are made of, we need
t o cult ivat e t he energy of mindfulness. This is what will give us t he st rengt h t o come back t o
ourselves. This energy is somet hing real and concret e.
When we pract ice walking wit h awareness, our solid peaceful st eps cult ivat e t he energy of
mindfulness and bring us back t o t he present moment . When we sit and follow our breat hing,
aware of our in-breat h and out -breat h, we are cult ivat ing t he energy of mindfulness. When we
have a meal in mindfulness, we invest all our being in t he present moment and are aware of our
food and of t hose who are eat ing wit h us. We can cult ivat e t he energy of mindfulness,
what ever we are doingwhen we are working, or cleaning up, and even when we are being
int imat e wit h our loved one. Just a few days pract icing like t his can increase our energy of
mindfulness, and t hat energy will help us, prot ect us, and give us courage t o go back t o
ourselves, t o see and embrace what is t here in our t errit ory.
Liberat ion and salvat ion cant come from anyone ot her t han yourself. You cant wait for
somebody t o help you. You are your own island. Go back t o your in-breat h and out -breat h.
Touch t he peace wit hin you, and you can see more deeply. Youll see t he root of t he difficult y
and youll be able t o undo t he t ies t hat bind you. Even if your mind is filled wit h t he desire for
sensual love, youll be able t o unt ie all t hese fet t ers.
CHAPTER 5

UNDERSTANDING AND FORGIVENESS

When we comprehend t he Buddhas t eachings, we see and underst and t he t rue nat ure of
t hings wit hout being caught by t hem.

WHEN WE UNDERSTAND OUR OWN suffering, it becomes much easier for us t o underst and
anot hers. Underst anding is a gift . The ot her person may feel underst ood for t he first t ime.
Underst anding is t he ot her name of love. If you dont underst and, you cant love. If you dont
underst and your son, you cant love him. If you dont underst and your mot her, you cant love
her. To offer underst anding means t o offer love. Wit hout underst anding, t he more we love,
t he more we make ourselves and ot hers suffer.
In Pearl Bucks novel East Wind: West Wind, a young man leaves China t o go t o t he Unit ed
St at es t o become a doct or. The woman t o whom hes bet rot hed st ays behind. She had always
been educat ed in t he t radit ional Chinese way, including having her feet bound and learning
t radit ional ways t o serve and please a husband. By t he t ime t he young man had finished his
st udies and ret urned t o China t o marry, hed been influenced by his t ime in t he West . He
want ed his wife t o express her own t hought s and not be afraid of, or subservient t o him. But
t his was t oo difficult for her. It went against everyt hing shed learned about how t o be a good
wife. The couple spent many mont hs est ranged from one anot her, unable t o achieve any real
emot ional or spirit ual int imacy. The husband declined t o be physically int imat e wit h her while
t he chasm bet ween t hem was so wide. Event ually t hey come t o underst and and love each
ot her, and find happiness as a couple.
There are t imes you may sit and look at a child when shes sleeping. While t he child sleeps,
she reveals t enderness, suffering, and hope. Just cont emplat e a child sleeping and observe
your feelings. Underst anding and compassion will arise in you, and you will know how t o t ake
care of t hat child and make her happy. The same is t rue for your part ner. You should have a
chance t o observe him when he sleeps. Look deeply, and see t he t enderness t hat is revealed,
t he suffering, t he hope, t he despair t hat can be expressed during sleep. Sit t here for fift een
minut es or half an hour, and just look. Underst anding and compassion will arise in you, and you
will know how t o be t here for your part ner.
Our parent s brought us int o t he world. If our parent s underst ood and loved each ot her, it
gave us a chance t o learn what t rue love is. If our parent s didnt love and underst and each
ot her, we didnt have t hat chance. If our parent s loved and underst ood each ot her, t hey
became our first t eachers in how t o love. They didnt give us a course or classes. Their manner
of t aking care of each ot her was t he best course.
The most precious inherit ance parent s can leave t heir children is t heir own happiness.
Parent s happiness is t he most valuable gift t hey can give t heir children. Your children can use
t hose lessons t he whole of t heir lives. You may not be able t o leave t hem money, houses, and
land, but you can help t hem be happy people. If we have happy parent s, we have received t he
richest inherit ance of all.
When a couple lives t oget her, t hey have a t endency t o t hink t hat t hey underst and t he ot her
person complet ely, inside and out . They believe t hat t heyre not hiding anyt hing from each
ot her. They t hink t hat t hey complet ely know each ot hers body and mind. But , in realit y, a
human being is a universe t o discover. What we see is oft en just t he shell; t he t rut h isnt easy
t o know.
Underst anding anot her person isnt possible unt il we have pract iced looking deeply at
ourselves. Then, when we look at t he ot her person, well begin t o underst and t heir suffering,
because weve already seen and t ransformed our own. Once we can underst and our loved
ones suffering, we can help him or her. We will no longer reproach or blame t he ot her person,
because well have underst anding in our heart s. Our way of looking at t he ot her person will
cont ain compassion. And t he ot her person will be able t o t ell. Even if we havent done or said
anyt hing, our way of looking already begins t he process of healing.
If a couple doesnt pract ice mindfulness and does not t ry t o underst and t heir own and each
ot hers suffering, t hey wont go far. They may cont inue t o live t oget her for a long t ime even
when t heyre not happy. They may st ay t oget her for t he sake of t he children, or because t hey
dont want t o complicat e t heir lives. There are many couples like t hat t heyre t oget her but
t heyre not happy. There are ot her couples who cant support being in such a sit uat ion and so
t hey separat e or divorce.
Loneliness can only be healed by underst anding and love. Somet imes we t hink t hat if we
have sexual relat ions wit h someone else, well feel less lonely. But t he t rut h is t hat such sex
doesnt relieve t he feeling of loneliness; it makes it worse. Sexualit y should be accompanied by
underst anding and love. Wit hout underst anding and love, sex is empt y.
DEEP LISTENING

Deep list ening is necessary in order t o t ruly be t here for t he person we love. In t he person we
love, t here is suffering we havent yet been able t o see. Someone who can underst and our
suffering is our best friend. We want t o be someone who can underst and t he suffering of
ot hers. To underst and, we must list en deeply.
We could ask our part ner, Darling, Id like it if you would speak t o me of your childhood. What
did you like t o eat ? What games did you play? What difficult ies did you have? If were t ruly
curious, well want t o know and underst and t hese t hings. When t here is t he curiosit y and t he
desire t o t ruly be t here for t he ot her person, she will t ell us about her childhood. Simply by really
list ening t o her about her early yearsmaybe she was happy, maybe she was t ort ured, and
her suffering is st ill t here aft er so many years, and nobody knewwe become her best friend.
Let s list en t o each ot her. Let s be t here for each ot her. We need t o say t hese simple
t hings. Ot herwise, t he union of t wo bodies becomes very monot onous aft er a t ime. Even when
were wit h our part ner, we cont inue t o have t he feeling of being alone. So we look for anot her
person t o be wit h. In t his way, were always seeking. But dont believe t hat you see all t hat s
cont ained in t he dept hs of someones eyes. If you have t he impression t hat you know your
beloved inside and out side, and t hat s why youre bored or rest less, youre wrong. Are you sure
t hat you know yourself?
In Asia t heres a saying: There are t hose who sleep in t he same bed but who have different
dreams. Once we have t he capacit y t o love and underst and, we can bring happiness t o
ourselves and t o ot hers. When we ask our beloved about his childhood he may answer, The
past is no longer part of my life; I dont want t o t alk about it . But if he isnt able t o underst and
himself, he wont be able t o underst and ot hers.
It seems simple t o say t hat love is made of underst anding but it is difficult t o pract ice. We
st art wit h underst anding our own suffering and discovering what causes our own craving. This
helps us t o t ransform and t o not reproach or hat e any longer. Wit h underst anding, we can love,
and we can finally remove t his feeling of loneliness in ourselves.
FORGIVENESS

Dont wait unt il it s t oo lat e t o see what really mat t ers t o you. Because sensual desire can feel
so overwhelming, it is oft en not unt il lat er t hat you see what havoc it has wreaked. Everybody
makes mist akes, but you cant keep asking people t o forgive you again and again. For example,
inst ead of just saying, Im sorry I shout ed at you, you need t o t rain yourself not t o shout so
oft en. Make a commit ment t o t ake t he t ime and pract ice seeing t he root s of your behavior.
Then you can make a real vow t o t ransform yourself, t o t ransform t he sit uat ion, and t o help
people.
True repent ance makes you happy and makes t he ot her person happy. Wit hout it , t rust will
disappear and bot h of you will be less happy. Vow t hat you will be t ransformed and t hat you
will t ry your best t o go in t he direct ion of t he pract ice. Ot herwise, t he ot her person will lose
t rust in you; and slowly youll lose t rust in yourself; and your relat ionship will be less st rong t han
in t he past . Act in such a way t hat t rust is st rengt hened every day. You dont need t o say
anyt hing. The ot her person will know by t he way you act t hat youre t ruly beginning anew.
Even if t he ot her person doesnt see it right away, dont quarrel or be afraid. Just pract ice well
and st eadily, and slowly t he t rut h will be revealed and t he relat ionship will improve.
It s import ant t o pract ice right t hinking. Right t hinking means looking deeply in order t o have
more underst anding and compassion. Whenever you find yourself judging your part ner, go back
t o your in-breat h and out -breat h, and ask, How can I see t his different ly? Can I look more
deeply t o bet t er underst and her suffering and her difficult ies?
When you underst and your part ner, you can more easily accept him and have more
compassion. This compassion will already bring you some relief. Dont cont inue t o be shocked
by his speech and behavior. Oft en people t hink, This is unaccept able, I have t o correct him.
When youve had t his kind of shock, go back t o your in-breat h and out -breat h right away. Go
back t o your peace and look more deeply t o see how t hings are. You can do t his in any
sit uat ion and you can accept and enjoy t hat sit uat ion. Compassion doesnt mean t hat you
have t o love t hat person whos so difficult . But if you st op and look deeper, youll see t hat
persons difficult ies. If you can accept him, t hen you can love him.
Everyone has his or her areas of unskillfulness. When you see t hat your way is not helping,
t hen wake yourself up and st op your unskillful t hought s and behavior. Shout ing at someone is
not t he way t o help. If youve already shout ed, t hen realize t hat t his is one of your unskillful
behaviors. Go back t o your in-breat h and out -breat h and say, I have t o repair t his. Then go t o
t he ot her person and apologize, and t ell yourself t hat next t ime youll t ry your best t o
remember beforehand and act different ly.
If you want t o be a hero, you need t o be able t o do t he work of being sincere wit h your
part ner and commit t o being peace right now. Even if you have a lot of anger, t ry t o st op and
look deeper t o underst and yourself and ot hers. You have t o use your fait h in t he pract ice and
t ry t o t ransform t oday. Dont wait unt il t omorrow.
CHAPTER 6

THREE KEYS TO HAPPINESS

If we want t o be happy and joyful, t hen we must be det ermined t o let go of at t achment . . .
The absence of at t achment leads t o t rue peace and joy.

WE TEND TO THINK THAT IN ORDER t o be happy, we need cert ain out side condit ions; we
must have t his or t hat before happiness can arrive. But happiness comes from our way of
looking at t hings. Were not happy, but ot her people under t he same condit ions are happy. This
verse reminds us t o be like t he lot us leaf. Drops of wat er glide off t he lot us leaf wit hout being
absorbed by it . We aspire t o be like t his lot us leaf, so t hat our sensual desire glides off us and
we keep our equanimit y.
Our happiness depends on our insight . We may have had what we t hink of as a bad
accident . But if we look more deeply, we may see t hat t his accident might have a beneficial
effect in making us more mindful in t he fut ure and helping us t o avoid an even bigger accident .
Somet imes it seems were experiencing what we might call good luck. But , it s wise t o be
caut ious, because good luck can bring a negat ive consequence in it s wake.
When youre not happy, it s import ant t o look deeply int o t he sit uat ion. If you say, Im not
happy in t his place or wit h t his person, maybe t hat s not really t rue. If youre not happy, it s not
because of t he sit uat ion out side; it s because of you. You can be happy in any sit uat ion. This
doesnt mean t hat you should be passive and accept t hings as t hey are. You accept , yes, in
t he sense t hat you see clearly how t hings are; you see t he negat ive and you also see t he
posit ive.
Dont t hink t hat wit hout t his or t hat you cant be happy. Go ahead and t ry your best t o have
what you want , but in t he meant ime you can st ill be happy. For example, if youre wait ing for a
visa so you can leave t he count ry, dont say, Ill only be happy once Ive got t he visa. Perhaps
when you arrive in t he ot her count ry, you wont be happy t here eit her. So you have t o t rain
yourself t o t hink: Even if I dont get t he visa, it s okay. Im happy here. That way if youre able
t o obt ain t he visa, youll have t he capacit y t o also accept t he sit uat ion as it is in t he ot her
count ry.
RELEASING OUR COWS

Theres an old st ory about t he Buddha sit t ing wit h his monks. They had just finished eat ing
t heir lunch t oget her in mindfulness. Suddenly a farmer came by. He was suffering so much. He
said, Dear brot hers, have you seen my cows going by? I have five cows but for some reason
t his morning t hey all ran away. I also have t wo acres of sesame plant s, and t his year t he
t his morning t hey all ran away. I also have t wo acres of sesame plant s, and t his year t he
insect s at e all t he sesame seeds. Theres not hing left . I t hink Im going t o kill myself.
Wit h compassion, t he Buddha looked at him and said, Dear friend, weve been sit t ing here
for more t han an hour and we havent seen any cows. You might want t o look for t hem in
anot her direct ion.
When t he farmer left , t he Buddha t urned around and looked at t he monks sit t ing wit h him.
He smiled and said, My dear friends, you are very lucky because you dont have any cows.
The cows represent t he t hings t o which we are at t ached. So t he pract ice is t o learn how t o
release our cows. Sit down and breat he in and out in mindfulness and concent rat ion, and
ident ify your cows. Call your cows by t heir t rue names, and see whet her you have t he abilit y t o
release any of t hem. The more you release, t he happier you become. Cow-releasing is an art , a
pract ice. The idea you have about happiness is a cow, a st rong one. It needs great insight and
courage t o let it go.
Suppose you want somet hing very much. You t hink t hat if you dont get t hat somet hing,
happiness wont be possible. You get caught in t hat idea. But , in realit y, t here are people who
have t hat t hing who are miserable, and t here people who dont have t hat t hing who are
perfect ly happy. You have an idea about happiness. If you havent been able t o be happy, it
may be because of t hat idea. Release t hat idea, and happiness can come more easily. There
are many doors t o happiness. If you open all of t hem, t hen happiness has many ways t o come
t o you. But if t he sit uat ion is t hat you have closed all t he doors except one, t hen t hat is why
happiness cannot come. Perhaps happiness cant come t hrough t hat one door. So dont close
any of t he doors. Open all t he doors. Dont commit yourself t o just one idea of happiness.
Remove t he idea of happiness t hat you have, and t hen happiness can come, t his aft ernoon.
Many of us are caught in our ideas of how we can be t ruly happy. We are at t ached t o a
number of t hings t hat we t hink are crucial for our well-being. We may have suffered a lot
because of our at t achment t o t hose t hings, but we dont have t he courage t o release t hem; it
doesnt feel safe t o do so. But it may be t hat we cont inue t o suffer because of our at t achment
t o t hose t hings. It may be a person, a mat erial object , or a posit ion in societ y, anyt hing. We
t hink t hat wit hout t hat person or t hing we will not be safe, and t hat is why were caught by it .
Happiness depends first of all on having t he deep desire for happiness, and t hen on having a
spirit ual pat h t o follow. Every day, do some lit t le t hing on t hat pat h, and you will be happy. Dont
t ry t o do big t hings. Do small t hings t o make yourself happier, t o make your friends happier.
When you cook a dish or clear t he t able, do it beaut ifully, for yourself and for t he people around
you. You can st art right away.
There are t hree key pract ices t hat can t ransform your suffering and allow you t o t ruly make
a home for yourself so t hat you have solidit y and underst anding t o give your part ner. They also
lead you t o great joy. They are t he pract ices of mindfulness (smrti), concent rat ion (samadhi),
and insight (praja). Wit h mindfulness, concent rat ion, and insight , we can purify our mind so
t hat t he afflict ions will be light er, we can connect more deeply wit h our loved ones, and we can
be free.
MINDFULNESS

Let t ing go, releasing, is one t echnique t hat can bring about joy and happiness. Mindfulness is
anot her met hod t hat brings about joy and happiness. Suppose you are a young person. You
can hike, jump, and run; you can do many t hings. Youre full of energy. Being young is a
wonderful t hing. There are t hose of us who cant do t hose t hings anymore; were t oo old now.
So breat he in and feel yourself young and full of energy. Breat hing in, I know t hat I am st ill
young. And t hat awareness brings happiness.
When I breat he in, I can focus my at t ent ion on my eyes, and t he insight comes t hat my eyes
are st ill good enough; my eyes are st ill in good condit ion. Breat hing in, Im aware of my eyes.
Breat hing out I smile t o my eyes. To some people t his may seem silly at first ; but t his way of
pract icing mindfulness can bring insight and happiness. It s wonderful t o have eyes st ill in good
condit ion. You need only t o open your eyes in order t o ent er int o a paradise of forms and
colors. Spring is here; t here is a paradise t here. And because you have eyes in good condit ion,
you can ent er t he paradise easily. You dont have t o make any effort ; just open your eyes.
For t hose of us who have lost our eyesight , t his paradise is no longer available t hrough our
eyes. Our deepest wish is t o recover our eyesight in order t o see paradise again. But t hose of
us who st ill have eyes in good condit ion can say, Breat hing in, I am aware of my eyes;
Breat hing out , I know t hey are in good condit ion. And t he insight comes t hat you have a
condit ion of happiness t hat is already t here. That is mindfulness, and mindfulness brings joy
and happiness. Mindfulness t ells you t hat you are st ill young. Mindfulness t ells you t hat your
eyes are in good condit ion.
Breat hing in, Im aware of my heart . You recognize your heart and you know t hat your
heart st ill funct ions normally. It s wonderful t o have a heart t hat funct ions normally. Those of us
who dont have a heart like t hat are fearful of having a heart at t ack at any t ime. So every t ime
were mindful of our heart funct ioning normally, we feel happy. Wit h mindfulness, happiness
comes just like t hat , in one second. Mindfulness helps us recognize t he many condit ions of
happiness t hat are inside us and around us.
So we have t o t rain ourselves t o learn t hat mindfulness is a source of happiness. We dont
need money; we dont have t o go shopping. We just need mindfulness. First we develop t he
capacit y of let t ing go. Then we develop t he capacit y of being mindful. Then we can see t hat
happiness is already available.
Some of us have so many condit ions for happiness, yet were not happy. Ot her people envy
us and imagine were happy people. We have so many condit ions of happiness, yet we dont
recognize and t reasure t hem.
CONCENTRATION

When were mindful of somet hing, we can absorb it and concent rat e on it . Such concent rat ion
increases t he qualit y of our happiness. Suppose you have a cup of t ea. When youre mindful
and concent rat ed, your t ea becomes somet hing very real and t he t ime of t eadrinking makes
you so happy. Your mind is not dist urbed. It s not dwelling in t he past , in t he fut ure, or on your
current project s. Your mind is focused ent irely on t he t ea. That s concent rat ion. Tea is t he
object of your concent rat ion. So drinking t ea in t hat moment can make you very happy; and
t he more you are concent rat ed, t he happier you become. Cont emplat ing a beaut iful sunrise,
youre not dist ract ed by t hinking about t he past or t he fut ure. The more concent rat ed you
become, t he more you see t he beaut y all arond you. So concent rat ion is a source of happiness.
INSIGHT

Insight always liberat es you. If youre inhabit ed by fear, worries, desire, or craving, you cant be
peaceful. But when you have insight , fear and craving are removed; you are free; and t rue joy
and happiness come t o you. The pract ice of medit at ionreleasing, mindfulness, concent rat ion,
and insight is t he pract ice of t rue love.
CHAPTER 7

THE FOUR ELEMENTS OF TRUE LOVE

TRUE LOVE MAKES US HAPPY. If love doesnt make us happy, it s not love; it s somet hing
else.
The word love has so many meanings. We say we love ice cream, a pair of jeans, or a cert ain
movie. We have abused t hat word and have t o heal it . Words can get sick and lose t heir
meaning. We have t o det oxify t he words and make t hem healt hy again.
True love is made of loving kindness (maitri), compassion (karuna), joy (mudita), and
equanimit y (upeksha). True love brings joy and peace, and relieves suffering. You dont need
anot her person in order t o pract ice love. Pract ice love on yourself. When you succeed, loving
anot her person becomes very nat ural. Your love will be like a lamp t hat shines; it will make
many, many people happy.
The holy spirit is made of mindfulness, concent rat ion, and insight . When you pract ice t he
four qualit ies of t rue love, your love is healing and t ransformat ive, and it has t he element of
holiness in. Then sexual int imacy becomes somet hing very beaut iful. Love is a wonderful t hing.
It gives us t he abilit y t o offer joy and happiness, relieve suffering, and t ranscend all kinds of
separat ion and barriers.
LOVING KINDNESS

Mait ri, loving kindness, is t he first element of love. The word mait ri comes from t he Sanskrit
word mitra, which means friend. So love is friendship, and t hat friendship should bring about
happiness. Ot herwise, what s t he use of friendship? To be a friend means t o offer happiness. If
love doesnt offer happiness, if it makes t he ot her person cry all t he t ime, t hen it s not love; it s
not mait ri; it s t he opposit e.
Mait ri is t ranslat ed int o English as loving kindness, t he abilit y t o offer happiness. True love
requires t his element . Love does not just mean love for anot her person. Self-love is t he
foundat ion for loving anot her person. If you dont know how t o love and offer happiness t o
yourself, how can you love and offer happiness t o anot her person? If you dont know anyt hing
about happiness, how can you offer it ? Live in a way t hat brings you joy and happiness, and
t hen youll be able t o offer it t o anot her person.
We know t hat happiness has somet hing t o do wit h suffering. If we dont underst and
suffering, we cant know what happiness is. Underst anding suffering is t he very foundat ion of
happiness. If you dont know how t o handle a painful feeling in you, how can you help anot her
person t o do so? So self-love is crucial for loving anot her person. A successful relat ionship
depends on us recognizing our own painful feelings and emot ions insidenot fight ing t hem,
but accept ing, embracing, and t ransforming t hem t o get relief.
COMPASSION

The second element of love is karuna, which is t ranslat ed int o English as compassion. Karuna
is t he capacit y t o relieve sufferingt o remove and t ransform suffering. When someone you
love suffers, youre mot ivat ed t o do somet hing t o help. But if you dont know how t o handle t he
suffering in yourself, how can you help t he ot her person t o handle his suffering? We first have
t o handle t he suffering in ourselves. Whenever a painful feeling or emot ion arises, we should be
able t o be present wit h it not fight it , but recognize it .
We can learn how t o embrace and accept suffering and use mindfulness, concent rat ion, and
insight t o underst and it s nat ure. Then we get relief. The Buddhas t eaching is very clear and
concret e. He doesnt just say we have t o love, but he t ells us how t o love. He doesnt just say
we can t ransform our suffering; he t ells us exact ly howst ep by st ep.
We need t o not only recognize t he suffering, pain, and difficult ies wit hin us, we need t o
devot e t ime t o dealing wit h t hem and t ransforming t hem. Using mindfulness and
concent rat ion, we can nurt ure our own feelings of joy and happiness. If we know t he art of
releasing, t he art of mindfulness, concent rat ion, and insight , t hen we can bring in feelings of joy
and happiness at any t ime.
The word compassion does not quit e reflect t he t rue meaning of karuna. The prefix com
means t oget her and passion means t o suffer. So t o be compassionat e means t o suffer
t oget her wit h t he ot her person. But karuna doesnt require suffering. Karuna is t he capacit y t o
relieve suffering. It s t he capacit y t o relieve t he suffering in you and in t he ot her person. When
you know t he pract ice of mindful breat hing; of t enderly holding your pain and sorrow; of looking
deeply int o t he nat ure of suffering; t hen you can t ransform t hat suffering and bring relief. You
dont have t o suffer, and you dont have t o suffer wit h t he ot her person. Bot h of you can
pract ice t his way.
Suppose youre a compassionat e physician. When a pat ient comes in complaining of pain
and fear, even as a good doct or, you dont have t o suffer wit h t hat person in order t o be kind t o
him.
We have t o dist inguish bet ween t he willingness t o love and t he capacit y t o love. You may be
mot ivat ed by t he willingness t o love, but if t hat is your only mot ivat ion, t he ot her person will
suffer. So t he willingness t o love is not yet love. Many parent s love t heir children. Yet t hey
make t hem suffer a lot in t he name of love. Theyre oft en not capable of underst anding t heir
childrens suffering, difficult ies, hopes, and aspirat ions. We have t o ask ourselves, Am I really
loving t he ot her person by underst anding t hem or am I just project ing my own needs?
Love doesnt just mean t he int ent ion or willingness t o make someone happy, but t he
capacit y t o do so. That capacit y t o love is somet hing you have t o learn and cult ivat e. Look int o
yourself and recognize t he suffering in yourself. If you recognize, embrace, and t ransform your
suffering and difficult ies, t hen you are loving yourself. Based on t hat experience, you will
succeed in helping anot her person t o do t he same, bringing a feeling of joy and happiness.
JOY

Joy, mudit a, is t he t hird element of t rue love. Love should bring us joy. If love brings only t ears,
why should we love? If you provide yourself wit h joy, youll know how t o bring joy t o your
part ner and t o t he world.
Mudit a has been t ranslat ed as sympat het ic or alt ruist ic joy. I dont like t hat t ranslat ion
because if you dont have joy, you cant offer joy. Joy is for you, but it is also for me. A t rue
pract it ioner knows how t o bring joy t o himself. We dont need t o t alk about alt ruist ic joy. Joy is
just joy. If you are really joyful and your joy is healt hy, t hen t hat benefit s ot her people. If youre
not joyful, not fresh, or not smiling, t hen t hat doesnt benefit anyone. If youre inhabit ed by joy
and freshness, even if you do not hing, we profit from you.
EQUANIMITY

The fourt h element of t rue love is upeksha, meaning equanimit y and nondiscriminat ion. This is
t he foundat ion of t rue love. In t rue love, t here is no dist inct ion bet ween t he one who loves and
t he foundat ion of t rue love. In t rue love, t here is no dist inct ion bet ween t he one who loves and
t he one who is loved. Your suffering is my own suffering. My happiness is your happiness. Lover
and beloved are one. Theres no longer any barrier. True love has t his element of t he abolishing
of self. Happiness is no longer an individual mat t er. Suffering is also no longer an individual
mat t er. Theres no dist inct ion bet ween us.
Anot her way t o t ranslat e upeksha is inclusiveness. In t rue love, you dont exclude anyone. If
your love is t rue love, it will benefit not only humans, but also animals, plant s, and minerals.
When you love one person, it s an opport unit y for you t o love everyone, all beings. Then you
are going in a good direct ion, and t hat is t rue love. But if you love someone and you get caught
up in suffering and at t achment , t hen you get cut off from ot hers. That s not t rue love.
The deepest gift mindfulness can bring us is t he wisdom of nondiscriminat ion. We are not
noble by birt h. We are noble only by virt ue of t he way we t hink, speak, and act . The person who
pract ices t rue love has t he wisdom of nondiscriminat ion, and it informs all of his or her act ions.
You dont discriminat e bet ween yourself, your part ner, all people, and all living beings. Your
heart has grown large and your love knows no obst acles.
Cult ivat ing t he four element s of t rue loveloving kindness, compassion, joy, and equanimit y
is t he secret t o nourishing deep and healt hy relat ionships. When you pract ice wit h t hese
element s regularly, you can handle t he difficult ies in your relat ionships and t ransform t he
suffering you feel inside.You become like a Buddha. You love everyone and every species. Your
presence in t he world becomes very import ant , because your presence is t he presence of love.
CHAPTER 8

OUR TRUE VOW

Dont keep company wit h t hose who go against t he t rue t eachings. Dont let yourself be
pulled along t he pat h of at t achment . If t he pract it ioner has not yet t ranscended t ime, he is
st ill caught in dualist ic views.

THE SUTRA FOCUSES ON SENSUAL love and sexual desire, but it s t eaching applies t o desire
for power, fame, money, and good food, as well as sex. We know t hat if we eat a cert ain food, it
will upset our digest ion, but we st ill eat it . The way out is t o beware of t he superficial
appearance. From out side, somet hing may look very pleasant . But we have t o look deeper and
use t hat deep underst anding t o see t he superficial aspect s of t he object of our desire. Our
underst anding can overcome our cravings.
When our senses come in cont act wit h somet hing, we pay at t ent ion t o it . Nat urally, we
assign a feeling or a judgment t o what were paying at t ent ion t o and experience it as pleasant ,
unpleasant , or neut ral. That feeling brings about a percept ion. When we see somet hing as
unpleasant , we want t o reject it . When we see somet hing as pleasant , t hen we want t o grasp
it .
Our deepest desire, what mot ivat es us and det ermines t he direct ion our act ions will t ake, is
called volit ion or aspirat ion. It can be posit ive or negat ive. This is t he energy t hat keeps us
alive. We want t o t o do somet hing wit h our lives. If were mot ivat ed by compassion and t rue
love, we have a wholesome volit ion. But if our desire is pushing us int o negat ive environment s
and sit uat ions t hat dont bring us more joy and compassion, t hen inst ead of nourishing us, our
volit ion is harming us.
In sensual love, volit ion can look like a kind of sickness called lovesickness. We are addict ed
t o t he shadow of a figure, and we cannot forget him or her. When we are caught in t he net of
sensual desire, all our longings and our percept ions are dyed t he color of sensual love. When
walking we t hink about it ; when sit t ing we t hink about it . Wat ching t he moon we also
remember it ; wat ching a cloud we remember it again. The mind of sensual desire is a current ;
it s not a block or a clod of eart h. The current sweeps our t hought s, percept ions, and everyday
act ions along wit h it .
DEEP ASPIRATION

What is our aspirat ion? Is it awakening, mindfulness, or t he relief of suffering? Do we really
want t o realize our great est aspirat ion? If we t ruly want t o accomplish our aspirat ions, t hen
why would we go along a pat h t hat goes against t hem, and leaves us wit hout enough energy
t o pract ice and help ourselves and ot hers?
The bodhisat t va Kshit igarbha, who embodies t his st rong aspirat ion, made t his vow:
Wherever t here is suffering, I vow t o go t here and help; I feel fulfillment , cont ent ment , and
happiness helping people. Having a deep aspirat ion helps ot hers and brings you fulfillment and
cont ent ment at t he same t ime. If you and your part ner bot h have a deep aspirat ion, t hen not
only will you support each ot hers happiness, you will bring more happiness t o t he world in ways
t hat you, by yourself, cannot .
When your aspirat ion is t o fill yourself wit h great mindfulness and love, t hat aspirat ion is
called bodhicitta, beginners mind, t he mind of love. It is t he desire t o help relieve t he suffering
of ot hers and help ot hers t o become awakened. We should live in such a way t hat t his
aspirat ion becomes more solid every day. If our aspirat ion erodes and weakens, we will not
succeed on our pat h of pract ice. We need t o pract ice mindfulness daily in order t o fulfill our
aspirat ion. We need t o pat ient ly pursue our aspirat ion, but we dont lose t he present moment
we enjoy t he present moment and we use it t o realize our deepest desire.
Our deep aspirat ion is an immense source of energy. Wit hout an aspirat ion we wit her and
lose our vit alit y. We need t o observe t hat source of vit alit y wit hin us. Is it great enough? If
t heres not enough energy, t hen were not yet solid. A st orm can st ill knock us down.
Inside each of us is a great being, someone peaceful, full of light , underst anding, and
compassion. This person carries a sword of underst anding t hat cut s t hrough t he bonds of
suffering. Wit h great underst anding, we see t he way out of our bondage. We discover t he
light ness and compassion necessary t o love someone else. We can awaken t his great person
wit hin and realize our t rue aspirat ion, wit hout dist ract ion or int erference.
When you and your part ner share an aspirat ion and a pract ice, t here is no place for jealousy,
because youre bot h fait hful t o t he same aspirat ion. What ever t he ot her person does, you do it
wit h him. You share everyt hing. That is t he spirit of upeksha. It makes fidelit y possible.
Of course you st ill have your freedom, and your part ner st ill has her freedom int act . Love is
not a kind of prison. True love gives us a lot of space. Because you are connect ed spirit ually
and emot ionally as well as physically, you do not need t o always be in t he same place or doing
t he same t hing. You do not worry if your beloved is over here t oday and you are over t here.
AWAKENING TO THE BUDDHA WITHIN

The name Buddha means one who is awake. When Siddhart ha woke up t o t he realit y of
t he world all around him and made his vow t o live fully in each moment , he was t hirt y-five years
old. At t hirt y-five most of us st ill have a lot of sexual energy. In Plum Village we have many
young monks and nuns who have sexual energy like everyone else. But t hey pract ice
channeling t hat energy t oward t heir great aspirat ion and are not manipulat ed by it . We can
channeling t hat energy t oward t heir great aspirat ion and are not manipulat ed by it . We can
even use sexual energy t o support us on t he spirit ual pat h. Digging up t he root of sensual love
doesnt mean we eliminat e our sexual energy. Inst ead insight and compassion allow us t o
handle our sexual energy wit h skill.
Awakening is a mat t er of insight . Once we have insight , alt hough we st ill have t he energy of
sexual desire, we can manage it easily. The sut ra t alks about uproot ing t he energy of sexual
desire. This doesnt mean we harshly cut t his down or complet ely eliminat e it . When rest less
sexual desire arises, we pay at t ent ion t o it wit h enough underst anding and enough love t hat it
dissipat es and does not grow.
FULL-TIME BUDDHA

When you begin t o pract ice mindfulness, you begin as a part -t ime Buddha. Slowly you become
a full-t ime Buddha. Somet imes you are a Buddha; somet imes you fall back; and t hen, wit h
st eady pract ice, you become a Buddha once again. Buddhahood is wit hin reach because, like
t he Buddha, youre a human being. You can become a Buddha whenever you like. Buddha is
available in t he here and now, anyt ime, anywhere.
When you are a part -t ime Buddha, your romant ic relat ionships may go well some of t he t ime.
When you are a full-t ime Buddha, you can find a way t o be present and happy in your
relat ionship full-t ime, no mat t er what difficult ies arise.
Becoming a Buddha is not so difficult . A Buddha is someone who is enlight ened, capable of
loving and forgiving. You know t hat at t imes youre like t hat . So enjoy being a Buddha when
you can. When you sit , allow t he Buddha in you t o sit . When you walk, allow t he Buddha in you
t o walk. Enjoy your pract ice. If you dont become a Buddha, who will?
To become a Buddha, we have t o do t hree t hings. We have t o unt angle t he cords of sensual
desire, commit t o our deep aspirat ion, and free ourselves from dualist ic t hinking.
Every single person cont ains t he seeds of goodness, kindness, and enlight enment . We all
have t he seeds of Buddha nat ure wit hin us. To give t he Buddha a chance t o manifest , we
have t o wat er t hose seeds. When we act as if people have t hese seeds inside t hem, it gives us
and t hem t he st rengt h and energy t o help t hese seeds grow and flower. When we behave as if
we dont believe in our inherent goodness and t hat of ot hers, t hen we blame ourselves and
ot hers for our suffering and we lose our happiness.
You can use t he goodness in yourself t o t ransform your suffering and t he t endency t o be
angry, cruel, and afraid. But dont t hrow your suffering away. Use it . Your suffering is t he
compost t hat gives you t he underst anding t o nourish your happiness and t he happiness of
your loved ones.
CHAPTER 9

FIDELITY

Leaving desires behind, not heeding t he t racks of loves passage, we t ear apart t he net of
love; not hing can harm us anymore.

TO COMMIT TO ANOTHER PERSON is t o embark on a very advent urous journey. There is no
one right person who will make it easier. You must be very wise and very pat ient t o keep your
love alive so it will last for a long t ime.
The first year of a commit t ed relat ionship already reveals how difficult it is. When you first
commit t o someone, you have a beaut iful image of t hem, and you commit t o t hat image rat her
t han t he person. When you live wit h t he person t went y-four hours a day, you begin t o discover
t he realit y of t he ot her person doesnt quit e correspond wit h t he image you have of him or her.
Somet imes youre disappoint ed.
In t he beginning of a relat ionship, youre very passionat e. But t hat passion may only last a
short t imemaybe six mont hs, a year, or t wo years. Then, if youre not skillful, if you dont
pract ice mindfulness, concent rat ion, and insight , suffering will be born in you and in t he ot her
person. When you see someone else, you might t hink youd be happier wit h t hem. In Viet nam,
t here is a saying: St anding on t op of one mount ain and gazing at t he t op of anot her, you t hink
youd rat her be st anding on t he ot her mount ain.
When we commit t o a part ner, eit her in a marriage ceremony or in a privat e way, usually it is
because we believe we can be and want t o be fait hful t o our part ner for t he whole of our lives.
That is a challenge t hat requires consist ent st rong pract ice. Many of us dont have any models
of loyalt y and fait hfulness around us. The U.S. divorce rat e is around fift y percent , and for
nonmarried but commit t ed part ners, t he rat es are similar or higher.
We t end t o compare ourselves wit h ot hers and wonder if we have enough t o offer in a
relat ionship. Many of us feel unwort hy. Were t hirst y for t rut h, goodness, compassion, spirit ual
beaut y, and were sure t hese t hings dont exist wit hin us, so we go looking out side. Somet imes
we t hink weve found t he ideal part ner who embodies all t hat is good, beaut iful, and t rue. That
person may be a romant ic part ner, a friend, or a spirit ual t eacher. We see all t he good in t hat
person and we fall in love. Aft er a t ime, we usually discover t hat weve had a wrong percept ion
of t hat person, and we become disappoint ed.
Beaut y and goodness are t here in each of us. A t rue spirit ual part ner is one who encourages
you t o look deep inside yourself for t he beaut y and love youve been seeking. A t rue t eacher is
someone who helps you discover t he t eacher in yourself.
PUTTING DOWN DEEP ROOTS

To keep our commit ment t o our part ner and t o weat her t he most difficult st orms, we need
st rong root s. If we wait unt il t here is t rouble wit h our part ner t o t ry and solve it , we wont have
built st rong enough root s t o wit hst and t he assault . Oft en we t hink were balanced when, in
realit y, t hat balance is fragile. We only need a wind t o blow on t he t ips of our branches for us t o
fall down. A juniper t ree has it s root s plant ed deep in t he heart of t he eart h. As a result it is
solid and st rong. There are some t rees t hat appear t o be quit e st eady, but t hey only need one
raging st orm t o knock t hem down. Resilient t rees remain t ruly st eady in a violent st orm
because t heir root s are deep.
THE FIRST ROOT: FAITH

We t hink t hat when we commit t o anot her person, we need t o have fait h in t hat person, t o
t rust t hat t hey are wort hy of our commit ment . But really, t he ot her person is someone wit h
challenges and st rengt hs, just like everyone else. If we place our fait h in a god, t hen perhaps
lat er we will lose t hat fait h. If we have fait h in a person, t hen we may also lose fait h in t hat
person. We should have fait h in somet hing more st eadfast and enduring. We need t o have
fait h in ourselves and t he Buddha wit hin.
fait h in ourselves and t he Buddha wit hin.
When we see people who have t he capacit y t o generat e happiness, t his gives us fait h in our
own Buddha nat ure. This fait h is not a t heory; it is a realit y. We can look around and see t hat a
person who lives wit h happiness and compassion has t he capacit y t o make ot hers happy.
Someone who does not have t he capacit y t o underst and and love suffers and causes ot hers
t o suffer.
In t he Kalama Sut ra, t heres a passage where a young person says t o t he Buddha, There
are many spirit ual t eachers who visit us. Many of t hem also say t hat t heir way is t he t rue way,
and t hat we should follow t hem. We dont know whom we should follow! Please, Buddha, t each
us what we should do.
The Buddha said, Do not have fait h in somet hing because a famous spirit ual t eacher said it .
Do not have fait h in somet hing because it was recorded in script ures. Do not have fait h in
somet hing because everyone believes in it . Do not have fait h in somet hing because it is laid
down in cust om. Hearing somet hing, we should examine it closely, comprehend it , and apply it .
If, when we apply it , t here is a result , t hen we can have fait h in it . If t here is no result , t hen we
should not have fait h in it just because of cust om, script ure, or some spirit ual t eacher.
THE SECOND ROOT: PRACTICE

No mat t er how much we want t o commit t o a healt hy relat ionship, t here are so many ext ernal
messages t eaching us t o go aft er our cravings. We are full of so many old habit s. If we dont
pract ice mindfulness, our cravings and sensual desires will overwhelm us. Happiness is made
up of our mindfulness, concent rat ion, and insight . Each t ime we pract ice sit t ing medit at ion,
walking medit at ion, awareness of breat hing, loving speech, deep list ening, or any ot her
mindfulness pract ice, our root s are growing st ronger and deeper and we are gaining more
solidit y and st rengt h.
If we pract ice conscious breat hing, we will calm t he t urmoil and sorrow in our minds
whenever t hey appear. If at first our pract ice is not successful, we cont inue unt il we see t he
result s. When we see t hat t he pract ice works, slowly our fait h in it grows. Our fait h is always
based on empirical evidence. We do not believe it just because it has been repeat ed many
t imes by ot hers.
THE THIRD ROOT: COMMUNITY SUPPORT

In a relat ionship in which you and your part ner share t he same kind of aspirat ions, t hen you
become one, and t oget her you become an inst rument of love and peace. What ever you do,
you do t oget her, because you are a communit y, a Sangha of t wo people, of t hree or four
people, or of one hundred people who have fait h in t he same t hing: t hat we have t he capacit y
t o underst and bet t er, t o love bet t er, and t o have more happiness.
Aft er his enlight enment , t he first t hing t he Buddha did was t o look for fellow pract it ioners so
he could build a Sangha. We cant find happiness unless we have a refuge. I live in a communit y
of monks, nuns, and laypeople at t he Plum Village Medit at ion Pract ice Cent er in sout hwest
France. My communit y is my t rue home. Even if you are just t wo people, if you nourish each
ot hers joy and mindfulness, t hen you have a Sangha, a mindful communit y. If your family only
has t wo people, t hat is t he smallest Sangha. If you have a child, you have t hree Sangha
members. If you live wit h more people, you have a Sangha of four, or five, or more. Your family is
your home, your refuge.
Wit h our fait h in our communit y of t wo or more, we can go anywhere. The Sangha is like t he
eart h. It can absorb so much and can hold such deep root s. These root s reach down int o t he
whole communit y. When our root s reach down deeply int o t he Sangha, our root s begin t o draw
nut rient s from t he Sangha body t o increase our own st rengt h and keep us st anding upright .
When t he t hree root s of fait h, pract ice, and communit y support have fed us deeply, t hen we
will be solid bot h alone and in our relat ionships. We will not just survive; we will flourish. No
violent st orm can t hrow us. Oft en in our daily lives, we are just focused on survival. But fidelit y
is not a quest ion of survival. It is one of vit alit y.
TWO GARDENS

You have t wo gardens: your own garden and t hat of your beloved. First , you have t o t ake care
of your own garden and mast er t he art of gardening. In each one of us t here are flowers and
garbage. The garbage is t he anger, fear, discriminat ion, and jealousy wit hin us. If you wat er t he
garbage, you will st rengt hen t he negat ive seeds. If you wat er t he flowers of compassion,
underst anding, and love, you will st rengt hen t he posit ive seeds. What you grow is up t o you.
If you dont know how t o pract ice select ive wat ering in your own garden, t hen you wont
have enough wisdom t o help wat er t he flowers in t he garden of your beloved. In cult ivat ing
your own garden well, you also help t o cult ivat e her garden.
Even a week of pract ice can make a big difference. You can do it . Every t ime you pract ice
walking mindfully, invest ing your mind and body in every st ep, you are t aking your sit uat ion in
hand. Every t ime you breat he in and know you are breat hing in, every t ime you breat he out and
smile t o your out -breat h, you are yourself, you are your own mast er, and you are t he gardener
in your own garden. We are relying on you t o t ake good care of your garden, so t hat you can
help your beloved t o t ake care of hers.
If you have a difficult relat ionship, and you want t o make peace wit h t he ot her person, you
have t o go home t o yourself. Go home t o your garden and cult ivat e t he flowers of peace,
compassion, underst anding, and joy. Only aft er t hat can you come t o your part ner and be
pat ient and compassionat e.
When we commit t o anot her person, we make a promise t o grow t oget her, sharing t he fruit
and progress of pract ice. It is our responsibilit y t o t ake care of each ot her. Every t ime t he ot her
person does somet hing in t he direct ion of change and growt h, we should show our
appreciat ion.
If you have been t oget her wit h your part ner for some years, you may have t he impression
t hat you know everyt hing about t his person. But t hat isnt t rue. Scient ist s can st udy a speck of
dust for years, and t hey st ill dont claim t o underst and everyt hing about it . If a speck of dust is
t hat complex, how can you know everyt hing about anot her person? Your part ner needs your
at t ent ion and your wat ering of his or her posit ive seeds. Wit hout t hat at t ent ion, your
relat ionship will wit her.
We have t o learn t he art of creat ing happiness. If during your childhood, you saw your
parent s do t hings t hat creat ed happiness in t he family, you already know what t o do. But many
of us didnt have t hese role models. The problem is not one of being wrong or right , but one of
being more or less skillful. Living t oget her is an art . Even wit h a lot of goodwill, we can st ill make
t he ot her person very unhappy. Mindfulness is t he paint brush in t he art of happiness. When we
are mindful, we are more art ful and happiness blooms.
OUR TRUE HOME

Were all searching for a place where we feel safe and comfort able, a home where we can be
Were all searching for a place where we feel safe and comfort able, a home where we can be
t ruly ourselves. As we become more skilled in mindfulness and lay down t he root s of fidelit y, we
can t ruly relax wit h our part ner. All t he rest lessness and searching inside dissipat es when we
find our t rue home.
Our t rue home is inside. When we look deeply and honest ly at our own suffering, energies,
and views, we find a peace t hat comes from being comfort able in our own bodies. But our t rue
home is not only inside us. Once we have become comfort able in ourselves, t hen we can begin
list ening deeply t o t he suffering of our loved ones, and begin underst anding t heir experiences
and views. Then we can become a t rue home for each ot her. In Viet nam, each person in a
married couple calls t he ot her my home. When a man is asked, Where is your wife? he may
answer, My home is at t he Post Office. If someone asks a woman where she got somet hing,
she might say, My home made it . When a husband calls his wife, he asks, My home? And
she answers, Here I am.
If were pract icing mindfulness, t here doesnt have t o be a conflict bet ween t he t rue home
inside us and t he t rue home we make wit h our part ner. There is no discriminat ion, no craving. In
our t rue home t oget her t here is only relaxat ion, liberat ion, and joy.
SUTRA ON THE NET OF SENSUAL LOVE

1 When t he mind goes in t he direct ion of sensual love, t he t ree of sexual love springs up and
quickly sprout s buds. The mind becomes dispersed because t he object of sensual love
generat es a violent fire in us. Those who look for sensual love are like monkeys jumping from
branch t o branch in search of fruit s.

2 Sensual love inflict s us wit h suffering and t ies us t o worldly life. Worries and misfort unes
caused by sensual love develop day and night like an invasive grass wit h t angled root s.

3 Blinded by at t achment , sooner or lat er we fall int o sensual love. Anxiet y mount s day by day,
just as wat er fills a pond drop by drop.

4 In life t here are many worries and sorrows, but t heres no great er sorrow t han t hat brought
by sensual love. Only when a pract it ioner can let go of sensual love can he release all worry.

5 If we want t o be happy and joyful, t hen we must be det ermined t o let go of at t achment . Free
from at t achment , we are no longer caught in t he circle of samsaranot burdened by anxiet y
nor rest lessly searching for what is unwholesome. The absence of at t achment leads t o t rue
peace and joy.

6 If we have been deeply caught in love, t hen, on our deat hbed, surrounded by relat ives, we will
see just how long is t he pat h of worry and suffering t hat lies before us. The suffering caused
by love oft en leads t o risky sit uat ions and numerous disast ers.

7 Pract it ioners should not go in t he direct ion of sensual love. We must st art by finding a way t o
wholly uproot t he t ree of sensual love so it s root s can no longer sprout ; it s not like simply
cut t ing reeds above ground.

8 The root s of sensual love are deep and firm. The t ree may be cut , yet t he branches and
leaves sprout again. If sensual love is not uproot ed, t he suffering it causes will ret urn.

9 Just as a monkey jumps from one t ree t o anot her, so people jump from one prison of sensual
love t o anot her.

10 The mind of sensual love is like a st reamof of wat er following t he course of habit energy
and pride. Our t hought s and percept ions become t aint ed by t he hues of sensual love; we hide
t he t rut h from ourselves and cannot see it .

11 The st ream of t he mind cont inues t o flow freely, allowing t he knot s of sensual love t o
burgeon and snag. Only real insight is capable of discerning t his realit y clearly, helping us t o cut
t hrough it s root s in our mind.

12 The st ream of sensual love permeat es our t hought s and percept ions, growing st ronger and
ent wining it self wit h t hem. It s source is bot t omless; wit h it , old age and deat h advance quickly.

13 The branches of t he t ree of sensual love cont inue t o grow, nourished by t hese nut riment s,
building up a mound of hat red and resent ment . Those who have lit t le insight hast en in t hat
direct ion.

14 The wise do not consider t he chains and shackles of jail t o be t he t oughest rest raint s. The
chains of at t achment are t he st rongest of t he t ies t hat bind.

15 The wise know t hat sensual love is t he most confining jail of all; escape from it is difficult .
They know t hat only by put t ing an end t o sensual love can t hey really be at peace.

16 If we see an image and are seduced by it , it is because we dont know how t o cont emplat e
impermanence. Ignorant , we t hink t hat form is wholesome and beaut iful. We dont know t hat
appearance doesnt cont ain anyt hing real and long-last ing wit hin it .

17 By imprisoning ourselves in sensual love, we are like a silkworm weaving it s own cocoon.
The wise are able t o cut t hrough and let go of t he percept ions t hat lead t o desires. Indifferent
t o t he object of sensual love, t hey can avoid all suffering.

18 Our mind dispersed, we t end t o see t he object of sensual love as somet hing pure, ignorant
t hat t his growing at t achment will remove all freedom and bring much suffering.

19 Those who are mindful are able t o see t he impure nat ure of t he object of t heir sensual love.
That is why t hey can let go of t heir desires, escape t he jail, and avoid t he misfort unes of old
age and deat h.

20 By t ying ourselves up in t he net of sensual love, or t aking shelt er under it s umbrella, we bind
ourselves t o t he cycle of at t achment , like a fish swimming int o his own t rap. Caught by old age
and deat h, we long for t he object of our love, like a calf seeking his mot hers udder.

21 Leaving desires behind, not heeding t he t racks of loves passage, we t ear apart t he net of
love; not hing can harm us anymore.

22 Those who are great and wise accomplish t he way, liberat ing t hemselves from all
at t achment and suffering, emancipat ing t hemselves from all discriminat ion, and t ranscending
all dualist ic views.

23 Dont keep company wit h t hose who go against t he t rue t eachings. Dont let yourself be
pulled along t he pat h of at t achment . If t he pract it ioner has not yet t ranscended t ime, he is st ill
caught in dualist ic views.

24 When we comprehend t he Buddhas t eachings, we see and underst and t he t rue nat ure of
t hings wit hout being caught by t hem. We know, t hen, how t o break t he t ies of sensual love in
our minds.

25 To offer t he aut hent ic t eaching is t he most precious gift of all. The scent of et hics is t he
most fragrant . Living according t o an aut hent ic t eaching is t he great est happiness. Put t ing an
end t o sensual love is t he definit ive vict ory over suffering.

26 Those wit h lit t le underst anding oft en t ie t hemselves up wit h t he rope of sensual desire.
They dont yet want t o cross t o t he ot her shore. Greed creat es corrupt ion and brings great
misfort une t o t hem and t o ot hers.

27 The greedy mind is like t he eart h; greed, anger, and ignorance, t he seeds. The happiness
reaped by t hose capable of offering and serving is immeasurable.

28 Wit h few companions but abundant goods, t he merchant becomes anxious and fearful. The
wise dont run aft er desires. They know t hat love for sensual pleasures is an enemy t hat can
ruin t heir lives.

29 When our mind experiences pleasure, t he five desires arise. The real hero quickly put s an
end t o t hese desires.

30 When desire st ops, t here is no more fear. We are t hen t ruly free, peaceful, and happy. When
t he pract it ioner has no more desire, nor any int ernal format ions, he has freed himself from t he
abyss.

31 My dear sensual desire, I know your source. The desiring mind comes from want s and wrong
percept ions. Now I have no more want s and wrong percept ions about you, so how can you
arise?

32 If we dont cut down t he t ree of sensual love at it s root s, it will grow again. If t he monk or
nun complet ely uproot s it , he or she will realize nirvana.

33 If a person doesnt want t o cut down t he t ree of sensual love, it s branches and leaves will
grow t o a great er or lesser ext ent . If our mind is st ill caught in sensual love, were st ill t he calf
always needing it s mot hers udder.
PRACTICES

MINDFUL BREATHING

Breathing in, I calm my body.
Breathing out, I smile.
Dwelling in the present moment,
I know this is a wonderful moment.

We can breat he consciously anyt ime t hroughout t he day. Anyt ime were aware of our
breat hing, we can recit e t hese lines.
Breat hing in, I calm my body. This line is like drinking a glass of cold wat er. You feel t he cool
freshness permeat ing your body. When I breat he in and recit e t his line, I act ually feel t he
breat hing calming my body and mind. Breat hing out , I smile. A smile can relax hundreds of
muscles in your face and make you mast er of yourself. That is why t he Buddhas and
bodhisat t vas are always smiling.
Dwelling in t he present moment , I know t his is a wonderful moment . While I sit here, I dont
t hink of anyt hing else. I sit here, and I know where I am. It is a joy t o sit , st able and at ease, and
ret urn t o ourselvesour breat hing, our half smile, our t rue nat ure. We can appreciat e t hese
moment s. We can ask ourselves, If I dont have peace and joy right now, when will I have
peace and joyt omorrow or aft er t omorrow? What is prevent ing me from being happy right
now? We can short en t he verses and say, Calming, smiling; present moment , wonderful
moment . Wherever we are, what ever were doing, we can come back t o ourselves and
pract ice conscious breat hing.
THE FIVE MINDFULNESS TRAININGS

The Five Mindfulness Trainings are for everyone, monast ics and laypeople. Mindfulness is t he
kind of energy t hat can help you t o go home t o yourself, t o be in t he here and t he now, so t hat
you know what t o do and what not t o do in order t o preserve yourself, t o build your t rue home,
t o t ransform your afflict ions, and t o be a home for ot her people. The Five Mindfulness Trainings
are a very concret e way of pract icing mindfulness.
St udying t he Five Mindfulness Trainings, we see t he pat h of maint aining t hem as t he pat h of
t rue love. The first t raining is t he pract ice of love, as are t he second, t hird, fourt h, and fift h.
Pract icing t he Mindfulness Trainings makes you holy. Holiness is possible for all of us.
Reverence for Life

THE FIRST MINDFULNESS TRAINING

Aware of t he suffering caused by t he dest ruct ion of life, I am commit t ed t o cult ivat ing t he
insight of int erbeing and compassion and learning ways t o prot ect t he lives of people, animals,
plant s, and minerals. I am det ermined not t o kill, not t o let ot hers kill, and not t o support any act
of killing in t he world, in my t hinking, or in my way of life. Seeing t hat harmful act ions arise from
anger, fear, greed, and int olerance, which in t urn come from dualist ic and discriminat ive
t hinking, I will cult ivat e openness, nondiscriminat ion, and nonat t achment t o views in order t o
t ransform violence, fanat icism, and dogmat ism in myself and in t he world.
True Happiness

THE SECOND MINDFULNESS TRAINING

Aware of t he suffering caused by exploit at ion, social injust ice, st ealing, and oppression, I am
commit t ed t o pract icing generosit y in my t hinking, speaking, and act ing. I am det ermined not t o
st eal and not t o possess anyt hing t hat should belong t o ot hers; and I will share my t ime,
energy, and mat erial resources wit h t hose who are in need. I will pract ice looking deeply t o see
t hat t he happiness and suffering of ot hers are not separat e from my own happiness and
suffering; t hat t rue happiness is not possible wit hout underst anding and compassion; and t hat
running aft er wealt h, fame, power, and sensual pleasures can bring much suffering and despair.
I am aware t hat happiness depends on my ment al at t it ude and not on ext ernal condit ions, and
t hat I can live happily in t he present moment simply by remembering t hat I already have more
t han enough condit ions t o be happy. I am commit t ed t o pract icing Right Livelihood so t hat I
can help reduce t he suffering of living beings on Eart h and reverse t he process of global
warming.
True Love

THE THIRD MINDFULNESS TRAINING

Aware of t he suffering caused by sexual misconduct , I am commit t ed t o cult ivat ing
responsibilit y and learning ways t o prot ect t he safet y and int egrit y of individuals, couples,
families, and societ y. Knowing t hat sexual desire is not love, and t hat sexual act ivit y mot ivat ed
by craving always harms myself as well as ot hers, I am det ermined not t o engage in sexual
relat ions wit hout t rue love and a deep, long-t erm commit ment made known t o my family and
friends. I will do everyt hing in my power t o prot ect children from sexual abuse and t o prevent
couples and families from being broken by sexual misconduct . Seeing t hat body and mind are
one, I am commit t ed t o learning appropriat e ways t o t ake care of my sexual energy and
cult ivat ing loving kindness, compassion, joy, and inclusivenesswhich are t he four basic
element s of t rue lovefor my great er happiness and t he great er happiness of ot hers.
Pract icing t rue love, we know t hat we will cont inue beaut ifully int o t he fut ure.
Loving Speech and Deep Listening

THE FOURTH MINDFULNESS TRAINING

Aware of t he suffering caused by unmindful speech and t he inabilit y t o list en t o ot hers, I am
commit t ed t o cult ivat ing loving speech and compassionat e list ening in order t o relieve suffering
and t o promot e reconciliat ion and peace in myself and among ot her people, et hnic and
religious groups, and nat ions. Knowing t hat words can creat e happiness or suffering, I am
commit t ed t o speaking t rut hfully, using words t hat inspire confidence, joy, and hope. When
anger is manifest ing in me, I am det ermined not t o speak. I will pract ice mindful breat hing and
walking in order t o recognize and t o look deeply int o my anger. I know t hat t he root s of anger
can be found in my wrong percept ions and lack of underst anding of t he suffering in myself and
in t he ot her person. I will speak and list en in a way t hat can help myself and t he ot her person
t o t ransform suffering and see t he way out of difficult sit uat ions. I am det ermined not t o spread
news t hat I do not know t o be cert ain and not t o ut t er words t hat can cause division or discord.
I will pract ice Right Diligence t o nourish my capacit y for underst anding, love, joy, and
inclusiveness, and gradually t ransform t he anger, violence, and fear t hat lie deep in my
consciousness.
Nourishment and Healing

THE FIFTH MINDFULNESS TRAINING

Aware of t he suffering caused by unmindful consumpt ion, I am commit t ed t o cult ivat ing good
healt h, bot h physical and ment al, for myself, my family, and my societ y by pract icing mindful
eat ing, drinking, and consuming. I will pract ice looking deeply int o how I consume t he Four Kinds
of Nut riment s, namely edible foods, sense impressions, volit ion, and consciousness. I am
det ermined not t o gamble, or t o use alcohol, drugs, or any ot her product s t hat cont ain t oxins,
such as cert ain websit es, elect ronic games, TV programs, films, magazines, books, and
conversat ions. I will pract ice coming back t o t he present moment t o be in t ouch wit h t he
refreshing, healing, and nourishing element s in me and around me, not let t ing regret s and
sorrow drag me back int o t he past nor let t ing anxiet ies, fear, or craving pull me out of t he
present moment . I am det ermined not t o t ry t o cover up loneliness, anxiet y, or ot her suffering
by losing myself in consumpt ion. I will cont emplat e int erbeing and consume in a way t hat
preserves peace, joy, and well-being in my body and consciousness, and in t he collect ive body
and consciousness of my family, my societ y, and t he Eart h.
SELECTIVE WATERING

The pract ice of select ive wat ering allows t he posit ive seeds in us t o grow, and gives st rengt h
and vit alit y t o t he mind. We let t he negat ive seeds rest and allow space for nourishment t o
ent er. Then, when we need t o look int o a difficult sit uat ion, well be able t o do so wit h more
ease, clarit y, and skill.
The person you love has all kinds of seeds in her: joy, suffering, and anger. If you wat er her
anger, t hen in just five minut es you can bring t he anger out in her. If you know how t o wat er
t he seeds of her compassion, joy, and underst anding, t hen t hese seeds will blossom. If you
recognize t he good seeds in her, you are wat ering her self-confidence and she will become t he
source of her own happiness as well as yours.
The pract ice of select ive wat ering has four part s. First , we allow t he negat ive seeds t o sleep
in our st ore consciousness and dont give t hem a chance t o manifest ; if t hey manifest t oo
oft en, t heir base will be st rengt hened. Secondly, if a negat ive seed manifest s, we help it go
back t o sleep as quickly as possible. We can replace it wit h anot her ment al format iont his is
t he t hird pract ice of right diligence. The fourt h pract ice is t hat when a good ment al format ion
has manifest ed, we t ry t o keep it t here as long as we can. It s just like when a good friend
comes t o visit , t he whole house is joyful so we t ry t o persuade him t o st ay a few more days.
We can help t he ot her person t o do t he same, t o change her ment al format ions. If anger or
fear manifest s in her, we can pract ice wat ering a good seed in her t hat will manifest and
replace t he ot her ment al format ion. Wit h t he pract ice and wit h t he help of t he Sangha we can
help t hese seeds t o have more of a chance t o manifest . We can organize our lives in such a
way t hat t he good seeds can be t ouched and wat ered several t imes a day. The good seeds
t hat havent had a chance t o manifest , we now give t hem a chance.
So as t o not wat er t he negat ive seeds in ourselves and each ot her, we can promise each
ot her, Darling, I know t here is a seed of anger in you. I know t hat every t ime I wat er t hat seed,
you suffer and you make me suffer t oo. So I make a vow t o refrain from wat ering t he seed of
anger in you. I also promise not t o wat er t he seed of anger in me. Can you make t he same
commit ment ? In our daily lives, let s not read, view, or consume anyt hing t hat wat ers t he seeds
of anger and violence in us. You know t hat t he seed of anger in me is quit e big enough. Every
t ime you do or say somet hing t hat wat ers it , I suffer and I make you suffer. So let s not wat er
t hese seeds in each ot her.
METTA MEDITATION

To love is, first of all, t o accept ourselves as we act ually are. That is why in t his medit at ion on
love, Knowing Thyself is t he first pract ice of love. When we pract ice met t a, we see t he
condit ions t hat have caused us t o be t he way we are. This makes it easy for us t o accept
ourselves, including our suffering and our happiness.
We begin wit h an aspirat ion: May I be. Then we t ranscend t he level of aspirat ion and look
deeply at all t he posit ive and negat ive charact erist ics of t he object of our medit at ion, in t his
case, ourselves. The willingness t o love is not yet love. We look deeply, wit h all our being, in
order t o underst and. We dont want t o imit at e ot hers or st rive aft er some ideal. The pract ice of
love medit at ion is not aut o-suggest ion. We dont just repeat t he words, I love myself. I love all
beings. We look deeply at our bodies, our feelings, our percept ions, our ment al format ions, and
our consciousness, and in just a few weeks of daily pract ice our aspirat ion t o love will become a
deep int ent ion. Love will ent er our t hought s, our words, and our act ions, and we will not ice t hat
we have become more peaceful, happy, and light er in body and spirit ; safer from injury; and
freer from anger, afflict ions, fear, and anxiet y.
When we pract ice, we observe how much peace, happiness, and light ness we already have.
We not ice whet her we are anxious about accident s or misfort unes, and how much anger,
irrit at ion, fear, anxiet y, or worry are already in us. As we become aware of t he feelings in us, our
self-underst anding will deepen. We will see how our fears and lack of peace cont ribut e t o our
unhappiness, and we will see t he value of loving ourselves and cult ivat ing a heart of
compassion.
In t his medit at ion on love, anger, afflict ions, fear, and anxiet y refer t o all t he unwholesome,
negat ive st at es of mind t hat dwell in us and rob us of our peace and happiness. Anger, fear,
anxiet y, craving, greed, and ignorance are t he great afflict ions of our t ime. By pract icing mindful
living, we are able t o deal wit h t hem, and our love is t ranslat ed int o effect ive act ion.
To pract ice t his love medit at ion, sit st ill, calm your body and your breat hing, and recit e it t o
yourself. The sit t ing posit ion is a wonderful posit ion for pract icing t his. Sit t ing st ill, youre not
t oo preoccupied wit h ot her mat t ers, so you can look deeply at yourself as you are, cult ivat e
your love for yourself, and det ermine t he best ways t o express t his love in t he world.

May I be peaceful, happy, and light in body and spirit.
May she be peaceful, happy, and light in body and spirit.
May he be peaceful, happy, and light in body and spirit.
May they be peaceful, happy, and light in body and spirit.

May I be safe and free from injury.
May she be safe and free from injury.
May he be safe and free from injury.
May they be safe and free from injury.

May I be free from anger, afflictions, fear, and anxiety.
May she be free from anger, afflictions, fear, and anxiety.
May he be free from anger, afflictions, fear, and anxiety.
May they be free from anger, afflictions, fear, and anxiety.

Begin pract icing t his love medit at ion on yourself, using t he word I. Unt il you are able t o love
and t ake care of yourself, you cannot be of much help t o ot hers. Aft er t hat , pract ice on ot hers
(he/she, t hey)first on someone you like, t hen on someone neut ral t o you, t hen on
someone you love, and finally on someone t he mere t hought of whom makes you suffer.
THE FIVE AWARENESSES

These verses can be used by anyone at anyt ime as a pract ice t o help safeguard our
relat ionships. Many people have used t hem in weddings and commit ment ceremonies and
some couples like t o recit e t hem t oget her weekly. If you have a bell, you can invit e it t o sound
aft er you recit e each verse. Breat he in and out a few t imes in silence before going on t o t he
next one.

1 We are aware t hat all generat ions of our ancest ors and all fut ure generat ions are present in
us.

2 We are aware of t he expect at ions t hat our ancest ors, our children, and t heir children have of
us.

3 We are aware t hat our joy, peace, freedom, and harmony are t he joy, peace, freedom, and
harmony of our ancest ors, our children, and t heir children.

4 We are aware t hat underst anding is t he very foundat ion of love.

5 We are aware t hat blaming and arguing can never help us and only creat e a wider gap
bet ween us; t hat only underst anding, t rust , and love can help us change and grow.
BEGINNING ANEW

At Plum Village, we pract ice a ceremony of Beginning Anew every week. Everyone sit s in a
circle wit h a vase of fresh flowers in t he cent er, and we follow our breat hing as we wait for t he
facilit at or t o begin. The ceremony has t hree part s: flower wat ering, expressing regret s, and
expressing hurt s and difficult ies. This pract ice can prevent feelings of hurt from building up
over t he weeks and helps make t he sit uat ion safe for everyone in t he communit y.
We begin wit h flower wat ering. When someone is ready t o speak, she joins her palms and
t he ot hers join t heir palms t o show t hat she has t he right t o speak. Then she st ands, walks
slowly t o t he flowers, t akes t he vase in her hands, and ret urns t o her seat . When she speaks,
her words reflect t he freshness and beaut y of t he flowers t hat are in her hands. During flower
wat ering, t he speaker acknowledges t he wholesome, wonderful qualit ies of t he ot hers. It is not
flat t ery; we always speak t he t rut h. Everyone has some st rong point s t hat can be seen wit h
awareness. No one can int errupt t he person who has t he flowers. She is allowed as much t ime
as she needs, and everyone else pract ices deep list ening. When she is finished speaking, she
st ands up and mindfully ret urns t he vase t o t he cent er of t he room.
In t he second part of t he ceremony, we express regret for anyt hing we have done t o hurt
ot hers. It does not t ake more t han one t hought less phrase t o hurt someone. The ceremony of
Beginning Anew is an opport unit y for us t o recall some regret from earlier in t he week and undo
it .
In t he t hird part of t he ceremony, we express ways in which ot hers have hurt us. Loving
speech is crucial. We want t o heal t he communit y, not harm it . We speak frankly, but we do not
want t o be dest ruct ive. List ening medit at ion is an import ant part of t he pract ice. When we sit
in a circle of friends who are all pract icing deep list ening, our speech becomes more beaut iful
and more const ruct ive. We never blame or argue.
Compassionat e list ening is crucial. We list en wit h t he willingness t o relieve t he suffering of
t he ot her person, not t o judge or argue wit h her. We list en wit h all our at t ent ion. Even if we
hear somet hing t hat is not t rue, we cont inue t o list en deeply so t he t hat ot her person can fully
express her pain and release t he t ensions wit hin herself. If we reply t o her or correct her, t he
pract ice will not bear fruit . We just list en. If we need t o t ell t he ot her person t hat her percept ion
was not correct , we can do t hat a few days lat er, privat ely and calmly. Then, at t he next
Beginning Anew session, she may be t he person who rect ifies t he error and we will not have t o
say anyt hing. We close t he ceremony wit h a song or by sit t ing t oget her in t he circle and
breat hing for a minut e.
HUGGING MEDITATION

Hugging medit at ion is a pract ice I invent ed. In 1966, a woman poet t ook me t o t he At lant a
Airport and t hen asked, Is it all right t o hug a Buddhist monk? In my count ry, we are not used
t o expressing ourselves t hat way, but I t hought , I am a Zen t eacher. It should be no problem
for me t o do t hat . So I said, Why not ? and she hugged me. But I was quit e st iff. While on t he
plane, I decided t hat if I want ed t o work wit h friends in t he West , I would have t o learn t he
cult ure of t he West , so I invent ed hugging medit at ion.
Hugging medit at ion is a combinat ion of East and West . According t o t he pract ice, you have
t o really hug t he person you are hugging. You have t o make him or her very real in your arms,
not just for t he sake of appearances, pat t ing him on t he back t o pret end you are t here, but
breat hing consciously and hugging wit h all your body, spirit , and heart . Hugging medit at ion is a
pract ice of mindfulness. Breat hing in, I know my dear one is in my arms, alive. Breat hing out ,
she is so precious t o me. If you breat he deeply like t hat , holding t he person you love, t he
energy of care, love, and mindfulness will penet rat e int o t hat person and she will be nourished
and bloom like a flower.
PEACE TREATY AND PEACE NOTE

The Peace Treat y is not just a piece of paper; it is a pract ice t hat can help us live long and
happily t oget her. The t reat y has t wo part sone for t he person who is angry and one for t he
person who has caused t he anger.
Peace Treaty

In Order That We May Live Long and Happily Toget her, In Order That We May Cont inually
Develop and Deepen Our Love and Underst anding, We t he Undersigned, Vow t o Observe and
Pract ice t he Following:
I, t he one who is angry, agree t o:
1. Refrain from saying or doing anyt hing t hat might cause furt her damage or escalat e
t he anger.
2. Not suppress my anger.
3. Pract ice breat hing and t aking refuge in t he island of myself.
4. Calmly, wit hin t went y-four hours, t ell t he one who has made me angry about my
anger and suffering, eit her verbally or by delivering a Peace Not e.
5. Ask for an appoint ment for lat er in t he week (e.g., Friday evening) t o discuss t his
mat t er more t horoughly, eit her verbally or by Peace Not e.
6. Not say: I am not angry. It s okay. I am not suffering. There is not hing t o be angry
about , at least not enough t o make me angry.
7. Pract ice breat hing and looking deeply int o my daily lifewhile sit t ing, lying down,
st anding, and walkingin order t o see:
a. t he ways I myself have been unskillful at t imes;
b. how I have hurt t he ot her person because of my own habit energy;
c. how t he st rong seed of anger in me is t he primary cause of my anger;
d. how t he ot her persons suffering, which wat ers t he seed of my anger, is t he
secondary cause;
e. how t he ot her person is only seeking relief from his or her own suffering;
f. t hat as long as t he ot her person suffers, I cannot be t ruly happy.
8. Apologize immediat ely, wit hout wait ing unt il t he Friday evening, as soon as I realize
my unskillfulness and lack of mindfulness.
9. Post pone t he Friday meet ing if I do not feel calm enough t o meet wit h t he ot her
person.
I, t he one who has made t he ot her angry, agree t o:
1. Respect t he ot her persons feelings, not ridicule him or her, and allow enough t ime
for him or her t o calm down;
2. Not press for an immediat e discussion;
3. Confirm t he ot her persons request for a meet ing, eit her verbally or by not e, and
assure him or her t hat I will be t here;
4. Pract ice breat hing and t aking refuge in t he island of myself t o see how: a.
a. I have seeds of unkindness and anger as well as t he habit energy t o make
t he ot her person unhappy;
b. I have mist akenly t hought t hat making t he ot her person suffer would relieve
my own suffering;
c. by making him or her suffer, I make myself suffer.
5. Apologize as soon as I realize my unskillfulness and lack of mindfulness, wit hout
making any at t empt t o just ify myself and wit hout wait ing unt il t he Friday meet ing.
We Vow, wit h Lord Buddha as Wit ness and t he Mindful Presence of t he Sangha, t o Abide by
These Art icles and t o Pract ice Wholeheart edly. We Invoke t he Three Gems for Prot ect ion and
t o Grant Us Clarit y and Confidence.
Signed, __________________________
t he Day of _______________________
in t he Year _______________________

If we, our part ners, and our families want not t o suffer, not t o be caught in blaming and
fight ing, we can sign t his Peace Treat y. According t o t he fourt h art icle of t he t reat y, we have
up t o t went y-four hours t o calm ourselves. Then we must t ell t he ot her person we are angry.
We do not have t he right t o keep our anger any longer t han t hat . If we do, it becomes
poisonous, and it may dest roy us and t he person we love. If we are used t o t he pract ice, we
may be ready t o t ell him in five or t en minut es, but t he maximum is t went y-four hours. We can
say, My dear friend, what you said t his morning made me very angry. I suffered very much and I
want you t o know it .
According t o t he fift h art icle, we end wit h t his sent ence, I hope t hat by Friday evening bot h
of us will have had a chance t o look deeply int o t his mat t er. Then we make an appoint ment .
Friday evening is a good t ime t o defuse all t he bombs, big or small, so t hat we will have t he
whole weekend for our enjoyment .
If we feel it is not yet safe for us t o speak t o our part ner, if we do not feel capable of doing it
in a calm way and t he deadline of t went y-four hours is approaching, we can use t his Peace
Not e:
Peace Note

Dat e ___________
Time ___________
Dear ______________________,This morning
(aft ernoon), you said (did) somet hing t hat made me very angry. I suffered very much. I
want you t o know t his. You said (did):

Please let us bot h look at what you said (did) and examine t he mat t er t oget her in a calm
and open manner t his Friday evening.
Yours, not very happy right now,
__________________________________

A NOTE ON THE TRANSLATION

The Sut ra on t he Net of Sensual Love was t ranslat ed from Chinese int o Viet namese from t he
Dharmapada of t he Chinese Canon by Thich Nhat Hanh. Sist er Chn inh Nghim, Sist er Chn
Hin Nghim, Sist er Annabel Lait y, and Brot her Chn Php Luu t ranslat ed t he Sut ra int o
English. Many t hanks t o Brot her Chn Php Luu, Sist er Annabel Lait y, Sist er Chn Dinh
Nghiem, and Sist er Chn Khong for t ranslat ing t he t alks used in t his book.

The Sut ra on t he Net of Sensual Love used here is ext ract ed from t he Chinese Dharmapada.
The Chinese Dharmapada is sut ra number 210 in t he Taisho Tripit aka. It has 39 chapt ers wit h
752 verses. It can be compared wit h t he Chapt er on Sensual Love in t he Chinese Udanavarga
(sut ra number 213 in t he Revised Tripit aka) and wit h t he Dhammapada of t he Pali Canon,
which has 26 chapt ers and 403 verses. The Chinese Dharmapada was t ranslat ed in t he t hird
cent ury c.e., t he Udanavarga was t ranslat ed in t he t ent h cent ury c.e., so t he former sut ra
preceded it by around seven hundred years.
Parallax Press, a nonprofit organizat ion, publishes books on engaged Buddhism and t he
pract ice of mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh and ot her aut hors. All of Thich Nhat Hanhs work
is available at our online st ore and in our free cat alog. For a copy of t he cat alog, please
cont act :

Parallax Press
P.O. Box 7355
Berkeley, CA 94707
Tel: (510) 525-0101

www.parallax.org

Monast ics and laypeople pract ice t he art of mindful living in t he t radit ion of Thich Nhat Hanh at
ret reat communit ies in France and t he Unit ed St at es. To reach any of t hese communit ies, or
for informat ion about individuals and families joining for a pract ice period, please cont act :
Plum Village
13 Mart ineau
33580 Dieulivol, France
www.plumvillage.org

Blue Cliff Monast ery
3 Mindfulness Road
Pine Bush, NY 12566
www.bluecliffmonast ery.org
www.deerparkmonast ery.org
Deer Park Monast ery
2499 Melru Lane
Escondido, CA 92026
www.bluecliffmonast ery.org
www.deerparkmonast ery.org

The Mindfulness Bell, a Journal of t he Art of Mindful Living in t he Tradit ion of Thich Nhat Hanh,
is published t hree t imes a year by Plum Village. To subscribe or t o see t he worldwide direct ory
of Sanghas, visit www.mindfulnessbell.org.

RELATED TITLES
FROM PARALLAX PRESS

Answers from the Heart
Cultivating the Mind of Love
Happiness
Learning True Love
Love in Action
Loves Garden
One Buddha is Not Enough
Reconciliation
Teachings on Love
World As Lover, World As Self
1
See t he Appendix for t he complet e t ext of t he sut ra.
Parallax Press
P.O. Box 7355
Berkeley, California 94707

Parallax Press is the publishing division
of Unified Buddhist Church

Copyright 2011 by Unified Buddhist Church, Inc.
All rights reserved

This book uses material from talks given in Vietnamese and English
by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh in 2010 and 2011.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Nht Hanh, Thch.
Fidelity : how to strengthen and nourish our intimate relationships / Thch Nht Hanh. p. cm.
eISBN : 978-1-935-20994-2
1. Love--Religious aspects--Buddhism. 2. Sex--Religious aspects--Buddhism. 3. Buddhism--Doctrines. 4. Tipitaka.
Suttapitaka. Khuddakanikaya. Dhammapada--Criticism, interpretation, etc. I. Title.
BQ4570.L6N52 2011
205.63--dc23
2011019198

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